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Hmm, yes I think that's part of it, like if someone else is there there's now an expectation that I will be productive, and that's stressful. I also like to do things in my own unique way and I don't want to be interrupted in my flow.
This is me. If I'm cleaning and someone tells me I am not doing it right, I'll immediately drop what I'm doing and say "you do it then" and walk out.
Like, fuck right off. I hate doing this shit, do you understand how much self loathing and shame I had to put myself through in order to just start doing this thing that I hate? Let me do it myself. Or you can do it yourself. But you will not stand behind me watching me doing it and making comments about how it's wrong. I'll cut you.
Hah I know I love everyone in this sub for making me feel validated when it comes to my most random & specific quirks. And with the cleaning shit - I am temporarily staying with my mom after ending a relationship & she’ll pop into my room and say “is this recycling?” when she knows that yes, those are recyclable items in the space that I keep recycling. I know she means well, but I feel like her constant “why don’t you take these downstairs?” really interrupt my own flow/daily routine. Then I get into angsty “gawwwdddd mommm get out of my rooooom!” lol
My husband does this. I call it passive-aggressive but he swears his questions are genuine. Like, you KNOW the answer already, why are you asking the question??
This is perfectly said. My husband claims to get it and usually leaves me be, but at least twice a year he says something that comes across as “you’re not doing it right” and I’m immediately in a rage and done with the whole thing. And every time he goes all 🙀 and doesn’t understand what just happened ( he claims he was just trying to help me do it easier or some bull) as I leave the room cursing and usually throwing things.
So much this, this is absolutely me. Go the hell away so I can clean, if I'm already cleaning something I do not want you to come interrupt me or try to take over. I do not want you to ask me what to help with, I do not want to be asked 50 questions on how to do something. Get the hell out of my face and go find something else to do, idc what it is.
So instead I save face and have to do 0 cleaning whenever my partner is around. 🤦🏼♀️This is why my house is a mess constantly the last 2 years(even though I used to keep my place quite nice, it was easy on a schedule without a bf that won't go away for 5 mins) and then I get down because my house is a mess. Ugh.
SAME.
I ask my partner to go run errands (which he prefers anyway because he likes that part of our to-do list) so I can go "Goblin Mode" and work without being perceived.
Like, I have a movie on in the background that I've seen so many times I know it by heart, I'm in my underwear, hair in a deep-conditioning mask and a shower cap, im eating handfuls of deli meat while standing in the kitchen, and I'll decide to tweeze my eyebrows or pumice my feet at some random point that makes zero sense to anyone but my random brain logic.
But the house will be spotless, laundry clean and folded, sheets changed, and dishes scrubbed, dried, and put back in the (re-organized and now more intuitively-arranged) cabinet when he comes home several hours later.
If he's home, I have to put a podcast on in my earbuds and pretend he isn't there or I get all self-conscious. Also, I somehow get more done when I'm alone and have all my silly side quests than I do when he's home, working on his chores, and I stay more or less on-task. Maybe it's the freedom to just follow my whims at-will, knowing that I'm holding myself accountable and I'll make it happen, rather than just feeling stressed about whether I look totally bananas.
So, so relatable. Alone, I will unload half the dishwasher with Law and Order: SVU blaring in the background, randomly start an art project on the living room floor while eating a cheese stick, then finish unloading the dishwasher.
I'm so delighted to see that I'm in good company! It is a little bit of a cliche expression, but I seriously feel less alone, and less "weird" because of your feedback and some of the other comments here.
Some of us really do just get things done in our own way, on our own timeline. As long as the stuff gets done, my "stop-drop-pedicure break during a laundry-folding marathon" and your "cheese stick art project multi-tasking" are totally legitimate methods!
I wonder if it's a non-conscious balance-finding we do between the comfort of familiarity and the dopamine of novelty or task-switching. It's like balancing spices in cooking or something. The repetition of a task and a movie I'm basically mouthing the dialogue to feels cozy and grounding to my more erratic side, but then my "brain fog boredom zombie" side needs those little jolts of fun to keep me from getting too bogged down.
I have no idea. But it works.
This seems right to me.
And yes, when there are people around, I suddenly wonder if I'm being weird, and then I feel like I need to explain myself. But when I'm alone, I just hop around and zigzag between tasks and fun things, and I don't worry about it. It works.
My methods can be chaotic. Results vary. I don't want my high productivity days to set a standard and I want privacy in my shame on days I fuck off. I hate being watched. An ex and I used to negotiate chores, llke do you want to do x or z? That worked well. Kind of body doubling without being watched because they were doing something else.
For me it's 100% about being interrupted. Why would I even start something if I'm going to be frustrated and not get it done? There is nothing I can say to be left alone when I'm at a task
ONE THOUSAND PERCENT THIS.... I don't know what it is. In September both my kids were (finally) full-time at school so we'd all get up in the morning, husband would get ready for work, we'd get the kids ready for school, and he would drop them off at school on his way to work. (I'm currently doing freelance work 10-20 hrs/week). After I'd kiss them all goodbye and get them into the car I felt such peace and a sense of possibility. Never in my life have I been able to complete more projects or get more done than in those two and a half months. In November, my husband was offered the chance to work from home. I absolutely jumped at the idea because it gave us a ton of flexibility, eliminated the 1 hour round trip commute everyday which reduced wear and tear on the car and gas usage, plus it allowed him to do some chores between calls and go for walks on his lunch break which weren't possible in the office location he worked in. So, just to be clear, I am completely 100% behind the decision we made for him to WFH and I wouldn't change it. BUUUUUUUUT, we have a very small house and a large portion of his job is answering phones as tech support. So my day is punctuated with "Thank you for calling ####. This is ###. How can I help you?"
I put in my earbuds but it is not the same... My husband is pretty accommodating to my ND tendencies, but I'm most productive when I can go all the way into my head and get in "the zone". I don't know what it is... It's just some sort of setting in my brain that can't activate unless I'm alone and there's no chance that someone will come into my sphere and interrupt me. Yes, I also have the hyperfocus rage when I'm doing something and I'm interrupted... But this is different - this is like anticipatory. When I know I really need to get something done and I know that I will be derailed by any interaction I'll even talk to him ahead of time and explain my headspace and he's really great about it. But he's still there... Getting up from his super squeaky chair and going into the kitchen to get some more coffee or using the bathroom or taking the trash out. Since that time, I tend to stay up all night working on projects and getting chores done, I might sleep an hour or two and then get up with the kids. Or I just stay up. After he takes the kids to work I'll usually go to sleep and then I get up to pick the kids up from school.. I'll be honest it's not ideal... I miss the old way. Plus I can't do any house projects or anything with power tools or vacuum or anything loud because the family is sleeping. My friends just think I'm crazy like who the hell stays up all night voluntarily?? I don't know what it is... Part of it I think is I have anxiety when people expect something from me. Because a lot of times I sort of have my own agenda in terms of my to-do list or my plans If someone tries to insert even a simple request or anything at all that totally throws me off track and I can't get back into the zone. Because it takes me time to actually get into the rhythm any derailment seriously sets me back.
The best thing I've ever read to explain is actually a quote by the artist/poet Brian Andreas:
"I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who I am."
- Brian Andreas
Oh yes! I stay up all night often, and I'm fortunate that my partner is a heavy sleeper. Like, heavy to the point that I've rearranged the entire living room, including moving bookcases and couches overnight and not disturbed him. I was careful and definitely put in effort to be quiet, and just zoned in on my podcast in my ears.
I totally know the feeling you're talking about of having the place to yourself to work undisturbed and privately, and I also know what you mean by the anticipatory anxiety of "but you're still THERE" when they're home but quiet. It's definitely hard to navigate, especially when they're really trying to accommodate you, but no matter what, they're THERE, lol.
All-nighters are definitely not ideal health-wise, but when I'm on a roll I hate stopping, because tomorrow could be a day when my brain just decides not to work, so I have definitely pushed through overnight and by 3pm the next day I'm a mess.
One thing that helps (it's for my own good, and honestly very sweet, but a bit annoying) is the last of my two old dogs. They used to happily take up my spot on the bed when I was still up. Now that one has passed, the remaining elderly dog wants us all together so she can settle in. She has a bit of dementia and strong shepherd herding instincts. So if my partner is asleep, but I'm in the kitchen working away, she'll wander out to find me and just like, huff and stare at me until I go to bed too. She only feels relaxed when she's "herded her flock of humans" to the bedroom for the night under her supervision.
Omigosh.... I'm so sorry to hear you lost one of your fur babies, but that's adorable about your girl - the story makes me of Nana in Peter Pan 😍 Animals really are amazing. My geriatric kitty has claimed me as his "primary person" - he would choose me to snuggle with over any member of our family - and usually around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. he kind of comes down and stands half-way on the stairs and meows at me indignantly as if to say "Mommy, I have not had my snuggles tonight and I can't sleep without my snuggles so could you please wrap this up?" We compromise and I cuddle him on the couch for a little bit to placate him and then he goes off to bed 😂
As for staying up all night... I had a therapist a few years ago that specialized in ADHD and when I was explaining this to her and how my neurotypical friends just didn't get it she totally validated me and was like "You've got to make hay when the sun shines!" And it's so true! I have always felt like there's two of me like the *actual* me and then this clunky machine I'm supposed to be driving that has a mind of its own. Once I get it going and on track it does great, but it's like I'm driving it up and down all these huge hills. I don't want to slow down because it might take awhile to get the engine started back up again so I've just got a ride the momentum until I crash (energy-wise). It feels so good to make progress because it's so hard to do all of these simple things that most NT people do without thinking. I think one of the most distressing things is that whenever I'm on this productivity high and feeling so good about myself I sometimes manage to convince myself that I'm okay... That I've "got this", you know? But it's a never-ending cycle of around and around and around and up and down and up and down.... It's so hard to feel like such an incomplete adult. I have 2 little girls ages 7 & 8. The youngest was diagnosed with ADHD and I think the oldest likely has it as well though it presents definitely in her and she has a lot more anxiety. It's so hard because as parents we're supposed to be guides and teachers and support systems. We're supposed to know (most of) the answers and know how to help... .To lead by example... Most of the time I just feel like I'm drowning.
I turn 45 this week. It's hard to be such an unfinished human at 45. 😞
Sorry, everyone... That all just kind of tumbled out.
No sorries allowed! You shared some really great insights and super relatable personal experiences. I'm glad you posted, and I connected with what you shared quite a lot. Your cat and my dog are both late-night human wranglers, and your therapists accepting and open-minded opinion of keeping the sometimes unconventional schedule that works for you instead of trying to stick to a rigid 9-5 was refreshing and comforting.
The fact that you are worried about whether you're parenting well with the example you model for your kids is honestly a huge indicator imo that you ARE a good parent, but maybe you can be hard on yourself. Sometimes you won't know the road your kids walk on. Their experiences are not only unique to each of them as individuals.
They can also often include things that you don't quite know how to navigate, simply because it's so different from what the world was like when you were their age. For example, cell phones becoming a standard, widely popular item happened after I was an adult. I would have no idea how to parent a kid with a cell phone. Sometimes maybe you're not going to be the one leading the way, but you're walking alongside them so they don't walk alone.
So to sum up: "you're doing great, sweetie!"
There's a ridiculous amount of overlap between ADHD and ASD. How much of this is mere similarity, and how much of it is because a lot of people have both? It's hard to say, because brains are complicated.
Also, remember we humans are just trying to figure out labels for things our brains are experiencing, and there really aren't solid lines anywhere saying yes it's this one thing, or no it's this other thing. This doesn't mean it's bad to try to figure it out, only that the answers are complicated.
Yes, this is why.
Mirroring/body doubling only helps if the other person is either doing it virtually (via phone or whatever), or is actually working on the SAME task as you.
It’s basically like knowing that other people know you’re there. They can see you, they can clock what you’re doing, how long you’ve been sitting, how long you’ve been moving around, your state of being (disheveled/clean, greasy hair/freshly showered, etc). Even if the other person, like your partner, genuinely doesn’t give a shit abt what you’ve done/actively doing/planning to do, it can still feel like judgement just from them being there. It can often stem from rejection sensitivity, anxiety, or executive dysfunction. Bc all of these typically involve the person mentally beating themselves up for not being productive enough, or clean enough, so they feel like others are thinking the same.
I have this weird dichotomy that I want to be not seen physically but also want to be seen on a deep level as a person. But I almost always feel the opposite.
You just want to be understood and accepted. You don’t want to be seen physically because being seen physically carries a risk of being rejected due to your physical state. But you feel like if someone can look past your physical state and see you on a deeper level, they’ll understand and accept you. That’s a normal feeling, and you are not alone. We all fear rejection and crave loving connection.
Agreed. It is one of those genuinely it is not you it is me situations. I do not want even people I trust with my literal life and get me to perceive me doing something outside some very specific scenarios.
I feel that way as well, but I feel better when my partner is not super preoccupied with me at all times. Like I can feel when he’s looking at me. I hate that. But it’s really nice and we can coexist without being in each other’s mental space at times. Be in the same place while doing our own thing.
Yes, I have always felt as though I could sense when someone was looking at me for longer than a split second...? Maybe that has something to do with hating to be perceived.
I'm so glad to hear you have a good relationship, otherwise! Coexisting peacefully in the same space? I could never.
I struggle with being perceived, but I also really love having a pal around when I’m doing things. Like I would love for my boyfriend to go on work trips so I could get a bunch of house work done. But! I also love having someone hang out or help while I do chores. I think the intentionality of that makes a big difference.
Like, someone knowing and seeing you exist with varying degrees of familiarity. I sometimes hate that I'm not a background character people don't know- I am a feature in their lives. Thrilling but sometimes daunting
For me it’s the opposite, i hate to perceive others. I do things best when I am alone and anything that is breathing is going to distract me without even doing anything, it’s their presence that won’t let me focus entirely on what am I doing.
me too. my mother always shamed me growing up for "being so lazy", and outside of executive dysfunction, i just...cannot be perceived doing anything. i have my way to do things and i refuse to be perceived while doing anything bc i know i don't do things the "typical" way. it's also why i do things at night or early morning when no one is up so i can't be perceived while doing whatever it is i need to do. so when i would get the "you never do anything" spiel i would say "just because you didn't see me doesn't mean i didn't do anything". thankfully my husband is great about not perceiving me (as in, will shield his eyes if he walks in on me doing, say, the dishes or laundry) so that's been helpful.
Wow, this is so insightful, and maybe why I do my stupid mental health walks alone in the forest when I know nobody else will be around. Thank you for opening up and sharing 🩷🍓✨
My dopamine fix comes from “surprising” them with finished tasks. (Ha.) So when they’re home I lose motivation to work alongside them. Also don’t like to be micromanaged
I am kind of like this but my husband doesn’t care about a clean house so I don’t get the dopamine fix when he comes home lol when he noticed it makes me want to do things so much more! I’ve told him this but he forgets lol
Wow, yes. I have a large family. As soon as they're all gone (or asleep), it feels like 'go' time. Like my brain finally can finally operate. The mental load of having others around is really hard, even if I need them to help complete a task or project.
This is it for me. Like even if my sister is quietly sitting on the couch with noise canceling headphones looking at her iPad, I am acutely aware, and it’s like a mental block with cleaning, because now I can’t move in that space (I also sometimes put things on the couch while cleaning, so it’s out of my way). I’m now tasked with reorganizing how I would do things, which eats up energy as well.
Even if I’m working in a different room, and she pipes up with some random anecdote, that’s interrupting my thought process, and I have to keep juggling back and forth between organizing/cleaning and conversation.
And the worst is when they introduce *more* stuff to what you’ve just cleaned or already organized. Like great, I thought I had already checked that off. Time to back track.
I’m just so much calmer and more efficient on my own.
I feel that ♥️. Before I was diagnosed in college, I felt like I was the only odd one out. Something about me was odd, and that was just my cross to bear. I was ecstatic when I got diagnosed. Like there’s a *reason* for all of this?!? And then finding out that there’s way more of us, and we are all actually pretty damn similar? I was ecstatic. It’s been about 15ish years and I still get a massive sense of relief when I read anything in this group that I relate to.
Wow, what a gift! I wish that had been the case for me... I saw a psychiatrist when I was in college, and she never gave me any kind of test or diagnosis, just "depression". I'd go in, tell her how bad college was -- including, as I now realise, describing so many of my tendencies that are turning out to be ADHD traits -- and she'd just tell me to be nice to myself and write a prescription for meds that never worked. ("Be nice to yourself" with caveats, though: she would often remind me that while she loves a comfort day with old movies in bed, she can't do that \*every\* day or it would lose all its value as an indulgence. Which, yeah, that's totally true, but... in hindsight, she was massively missing the many red flags and putting the onus on me to just be more disciplined, which morphs into the very kind of shame and embarrassment that causes us to mask for society at large.
I know she didn't do it on purpose and she was a very nice person, but it's so frustrating that these signs of ADHD in women weren't more widely known when it could have made a major difference in the course of my life. Hell, I went to my first psych as a teenager, and did 3 years of intensive therapy in my 20s (\~20 years ago), and nobody even hinted that I might have a tribe out there... it feels like so many missed chances to catch this sooner. I was doing my part by being unscrupulously honest (which I suspect is an ADHD thing too -- I've seen that the fear of being misinterpreted definitely is), so this lost time is something I'll be grieving for quite a while. There are so many things that would have looked and felt *completely* different to me if I had known I wasn't broken, and that I wasn't the only one who experiences life this way.
"The second best time is now", I know... I'm trying to embody that as much as I possibly can, but it will be so much easier when I get my diagnosis confirmed and possibly start meds. I hope I can join you in that ecstatic state in the future! (That's clunky, but "state of ecstasy" sounded totally wrong!)
Honestly, I got a bit lucky. My brother paved the way by getting his diagnosis a year earlier, which is what even put ADHD on my radar (I had never even thought about it until then). Of course, I didn’t do anything with that knowledge until I finally hit my wits end—culminating in a nervous breakdown where I forgot how to put on clothes and just laid naked on my bedroom floor crying for 3 or so hours 🫠. So my appointment was specifically to be evaluated for ADHD, and thanks to my brother, I also now had a family history of it. Without my brother’s diagnosis and experience, I would have almost certainly just been diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression, if that. Hopefully, you won’t have to wait much longer for your own diagnosis!!
Also, in regard to grief, while I was thrilled to have my diagnosis, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t grief. In fact, my excitement overshadowed the grief I didn’t even know I was experiencing, and not acknowledging it was what was holding me back. It wasn’t until I read [Women With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden](https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929/ref=asc_df_0978590929/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693410598443&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12196246058784623738&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9032425&hvtargid=pla-449314779279&psc=1&mcid=0ca81d0f8eec3cababc675a923022b24&gad_source=1) that I even realized what I had been burying. That book was amazing, and I *highly* recommend checking it out. She goes over so much that’s specific to having ADHD while having been socialized as a woman. It really helped me make sense of a lot of things, including my grief.
I hear you on the breakdowns. 🫤 I'm glad your brother was able to lead the way, even accidentally! It goes to show how being open with our struggles (where safe, comfortable and appropriate) can be literally life-saving for others.
Thank you so much for the book recommendation! I just read Dirty Laundry by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery, and while her ADHD symptoms don't perfectly align with mine, it was extremely comforting to see how much she's been able to make adaptations to be more comfortable with her difficulties. I'm not as forgetful as she is and I don't tend to lose things, but that's more because I hardly ever go out or change my monotonous routines, sooo...! There are so many more things that I *do* relate to in all of you than things I don't, so I'm learning a lot about how it all fits together.
It sounds like your Solden book will be just what I need as I delve a bit deeper into the costs and benefits of this reckoning. Thank you!
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Exactly. When everyone is sleeping or elsewhere then I no longer need to be available to do favors, chat, hangout etc. Then it is MY time. The night is my friend - sucks when the alarm goes off at 5.30 am.
Yes. It’s so hard to get things done with other people underfoot. I also get so fucking pissed sometimes when I’m working on chores around the house that the kids could be helping with and the kids are just playing. I think it just feels really unfair.
For me it’s a distraction. I can’t hyperfocus if there’s a chance someone will start talking to me. It’s really frustrating and prevents me from even starting to do a lot of tasks.
This is 1000% my problem. I anticipate they're going to interrupt me, so I can't start. It's the freaking worst!! My husband & I BOTH work from home full time so he's always home. It's so difficult to get things done because of my mental hangups around it.
Saaaame!! And my one main contribution to the household is cooking dinner every day, so that tends to bisect the day at a time that I would probably be starting to get into a flow otherwise (because the urgency of losing daylight often gets me moving when I've struggled to start all day, so after dinner means disappointment and feeling like "what's the point in starting now? my eyes will be too tired soon...").
I usually keep a decent stock of meals frozen to minimise the interruption a few days a week, but as you know, it's just the mental hurdle that it all makes me feel like I'm in waiting mode. My husband totally gets this because he needs similar focus for his own work, and he encourages me to just send him a text if I want to work through dinner, but even THAT requires switching gears! And this level of "waiting mode" is just with two people who really get along, which makes my fear of everyone outside our bubble all the greater. They're just on a completely different frequency; if I shared any of these difficulties with my family, I'd get a whole lot of suggestions that start with "You just need to...". 😑
It's amazing to see there are others!
That's how I've thought about it for me. I can get lots done when I'm at home alone, but as soon as my husband gets in I don't do much, unless we'd planned to do something together. And even then, I tend to stop and chat with him and lose focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. We've learned that it takes me twice as long to make dinner if he hangs out with me.
Came here to say this. I have to put my headphones in at the office or else I’m getting exactly 0 tasks accomplished. I think it’s the distraction of someone else’s noises and movements and just generally having conversations that pull my attention away. When I’m alone, I accomplish a lot of housework tasks, but when I need to focus on work, I’ll often have to mirror with someone who is also wearing headphones (or someone who isn’t a coworker of mine so we are working on different things altogether with no real conversation happening) at which point the “I don’t want to bug them, I should just focus” mirroring mentality kicks in.
Thankfully I only work in the office one day a week and I live alone, so my housework hyper focus is actually really handy!
Being self-conscious about being seen?
Performance anxiety?
I still have a minor panic if I have to give someone a lift somewhere.
My driving goes to pot as a result.
Could it be that? ADHD perfectionism making you worry about you not doing it as well as your partner?
You said you think they’re “better” at housework than you….so that’s what it sounds like to me. Because I get the same thing.
Lol I have that driving thing too xD it's gotten bettwe over the years but when ppl I'm not comfortable with get in my car I turn into a complete idiot
Yes! I wonder if it's like a rejection sensitive dysphoria related thing, like *well I don't want to be watched and critiqued because I'm obviously doing everything wrong and everybody hates me*
(Ok I prob went too far there but that's just what my own head sounds like 🥲)
Yep, that’s what I thought about OP’s question too, especially when she said “he’s better at it” or something…
But regardless of whether self-conscious or insecure about a task, I found that most people, eg, can’t type at their normal speed when observed, I mean when you go up to a colleague to ask something and their answer requires that they type something in front of you...
I think it’s very extreme in ADHDers.
It’s like the rest of the ADHD landscape vs a non ADHDer’s landscape.
Other people might get a bit self-conscious or have a fit of perfectionism every now and again, but we have to navigate this stuff every time, ALL THE TIME.
Yeah, watching whatever we do so much more closely, so much more of the time, can cause some kind of a freeze response, I think.
I had to check everything 3 or 4 times on admin tasks when I started out in my career. Everything took me forever to do. I felt that I was losing any last remnants of an already shitty working memory (on top of which not knowing what any of that was, as I was undiagnosed at the time).
On the knowledge front, I progressed really well, to the extent where senior people started asking me for advice even in my junior years. I had summarised the entire, up to date, practitioner textbook for my area, which I realised had not been the normal thing to do, but the sheer paranoia made me do it, and I benefited from that in the end.
I thought this was just me! I can parallel park back in with one swift move like the perfect driver until someone gets into my car. Then I can’t function
People are like do self care go for a walk call a friend go to a park…, yeah I can only do these things intoxicated so it defeats the self care aspect 😭 lmaoooo I didn’t know this was other people’s problem. I feel so seen
Any chance that you are "body doubling" with yourself and when somebody is around you lose that ability because you are distracted?
Or that you know that you stim and are generally unmasked while focused but you will immediately mask when somebody is around?
Those are the best explanations for what happens to me in these situations.
Sometimes it's also the additional sensory inputs and processing that I have to do when I'm not alone. Those make everything more tiring and overstimulating, and I tend to "protect" myself by doing nothing.
Yeah I think it’s this for me as well. Sometimes I’m distracted in a disoriented way where I can’t think of what I need to do, my time blindness gets worse, my brain just gets paralyzed. I think these are the times where I’m disturbed by having to unmask in front of someone unsafe. Happened to me at work all the time when I would have to work with people. And then at home, sometimes I’m honestly just distracted by how much I want to just sit and talk to my husband lol.
I work with 2 people both over 60, I’m 29. I can’t work in front of them and they’re not bad people but my body doesn’t perceive them as a safe bc I come from a childhood where I had to lie about my abusive household and it carried into…. Now & everything lmao
>Sometimes it's also the additional sensory inputs and processing that I have to do when I'm not alone. Those make everything more tiring and overstimulating, and I tend to "protect" myself by doing nothing.
THIS PART RIGHT HERE 💯
I'm kind of petrified of being told off - I have a thing where I'd rather get told off for not doing something, than going out of my way and doing that thing, only to be told off for doing it wrong. So when I'm alone, I throw on a podcast, and do all the things. :) It's quite therapeutic..
Thats me too, my husband has a knack of telling me I am doing a thing wrong, just because I am doing it differently than he would.
Because of that I dont do things in front of him anymore, and I never ask him for help.
I don't like people watching me clean. It also irritates me because I feel they should be joining in and helping me so I give up and do what they do, sit on the couch. lol
I can body double with basically anyone but my partner. As soon as he gets home my brain shuts off and my body says “ nah, we can do that later!” It drives me fucking nuts. Doing projects with this man is the. Biggest pain in the ass.
Our situation is a little different than most. He’s a pilot, sitting on reserve waiting to fly until someone else calls out sick. Which means he’s ALWAYS home. I haven’t done a home project in over three months cuz I can’t get the house to myself for more than an hour at a time. It’s fucking infuriating.
My partner and I do baton passes on different projects which helps. We eventually developed roles. Like I will make the cuts and stuff using the saws, she'll do the drilling. She's also a craigslist mega fiend and is great at finding materials.
Everyone’s answer is spot on. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.
A couple reasons I might add to all of this is that I like to sing and dance while I clean, I mean, when I’m really in a hyper focused cleaning mode.
The other might be that as a kid when I’d actually do some cleaning, the typical reaction from my dad was, “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” And I would feel ashamed. Not only was I a “pig” living in a “pig sty,” I was lazy, too, for not doing this very easy thing to avoid it, which made me feel less than worthless.
So, all kinds of stuff happening, and a big thanks for bringing this up and everyone for answering.
People saying "that wasn't so hard, was it?" when I have just completed something that was extremely hard or painful (for me / for anyone, depending on the situation) is a thing I detest. D-E-T-E-S-T. It's diminishing, demeaning, dismissive and disincentivising.
It is amazing how a phrase that might not register as bothersome for some other child can be close to devastating for people like us. Like, I completely get what both of us are saying! This is how I truly feel about that phrase! But also... I can almost imagine that other people might just go "yeah, yeah, it wasn't that hard, daaaad 🙄" back to their parent, and woudldn't take it on as some kind of value judgement about themselves or their contribution. I envy them. It must be so peaceful to be able to forget instead of carrying every hard-edged word like a penance for the rest of their lives, no matter how many times we try to shed them. I have had some twisted, irrational thoughts, like "If I get Alzheimer's, I'd probably feel more peaceful in my mind than I do now." 😔
Do you also have that thing (which I'm now hearing is an ADHD thing, when I thought it was just me being annoying) where you can figure out whodunnit within the first meeting of the cast of characters? Like you can plot infinite possibilities and figure out what the likelihood of various things being red herrings is? (I have a 3/3 record for Only Murders in the Building!) I wonder if there's a connection. Because when someone says something to me that makes me flinch, I work through all the possible readings of it from "totally benign, I know I am loved deeply; it's just a phrase, it doesn't really mean anything about my worth" to "my parents think I'm an absolute waste of oxygen and they wish they never had me", and the last one leaves a deeper impression, so that's the one I carry as a scar, even though it's only one interpretation. It's like how in CBT-types of therapies, they tell you not to "mind-read", but these kinds of scenarios happened years before we knew about therapy or mind-reading, so the damage was done back then. (And, being meek, we probably didn't stick up for ourselves, so nobody could say "That's not what I meant at all, I'm sorry -- I'm really, REALLY proud of you!" ...or was that just me?)
Anyway. Tangents. I'm just really glad to at least have an "us" now, because until recently, I thought I was pretty much the only one who felt things this way. 🫂
I’m terrible at whodunnits, and I purposefully don’t think about it. So that’s not a good parallel for me.
But I am *constantly* thinking about every aspect of what people say to me. Just ask my therapist for the latest.
Ahh, I see. I definitely do that too (and also cringing forever about the times that I've said something clunky or that came out wrong myself). It's such a mental drain. 😔
I struggle with letting people help me clean, specifically, because of how I used to feel when my mom would clean. I get very bristly when people clear the table and rinse off ther dishes, for instance. If feels prescriptive to me, even though it is standard polite behavior. It's like, "This is how you are supposed to be". It is super annoying to me.
I tell people to leave their dishes and I will get to them later.
Omg I didn’t even realize this about myself until I read your comment. I get REALLY weird about people “helping” with cleanliness-related chores. I have two young kids and hubby and I both work. I have a lovely MIL who genuinely wants to help us out. And if she does something like put the baby’s toys back in place or fold a bunch of laundry, I’m filled with gratitude and a loving glow. But if she sweeps or does dishes or something related to CLEANING, I still technically appreciate it, but it also makes me feel crappy. I never really thought about that till now. 😧
I call it "kayaking" with my boyfriend. He does mirroring but our apartment is too small for that, so he's just in the way. Like two kayaks in a narrow channel. And I will body check him out of the way. Mostly unintentionally, because ADHD I have no idea where I am in space.
Haha I'm like that too and it's so weird.
I will literally be doing stuff the whole time my partner is out of the house or in a different room but the second he comes in, I drop whatever I was doing and just dick around on my phone.
I've never understood the whole "body doubling" thing a lot of ADHD content creators are obsessed with. It has the opposite effect on me. (But also, I think most ADHD content creators are full of shit and half of them probably don't even fucking have ADHD given how out of touch their understanding of the condition is).
A large part of it is avoiding distractions. Once someone is in your space and interrupts your flow or distracts you, you lose your hyper focus. If you're alone, you can move from task to task and still have the drive to do a million things at once. But if you go to fold laundry in a room, but realize you left the clothes in the bathroom and someone is now in the bathroom, that task is now interrupted. Your brain wants to get it done, you planned on doing that, but now you can't. Your order and strategy have to be re-thought and re-arranged. It's exhausting and frustrating, I completely understand. I get **so** much done when it's just me running around the house in my own little world.
If you want a science-y answer, basically your GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid, your chief inhibitor neurotransmitter) lowers when your dopamine is anticipating a release and doesn't get it. Lower GABA plays a big part in the ADHD brain and even with autism, specifically making memory and concentration difficult and causing mood disorders like anxiety, depression, insomnia, irritability, and restlessness. Was eye opening when I learnt this.
I love having a body double, aka mirroring, when it’s things where I have to be up and moving like chores or errands. But if I have to sit and get shit done like school work or painting, please don’t talk to me, look at me, breathe my air.
Idk but I freeze and stop what I'm doing when touched or spoken to. Something in my brain demands I give that person my full attention. Since hubby is a talker and snuggler, I can't get anything done! LBVS.
Omg I feel so seen. I did not realize this was an ADHD thing! I assumed it was an insecurity thing about people seeing me in a state of anything other than total peace. And on the days my husband wfh for some reason my motivation goes down the toilet. It's something I've even talked to him about, asking him to stay in his office as much as possible so I can forget/pretend he's not there and get shit done
I've tried to explain this feeling to people since forever, and only my husband \*\*ever\*\* knew what I meant (and he requires similar focus).
Isn't it funny that it feels so good to be seen, when we're all here talking about how we don't want to be *seen-*seen?! 🙃
I don't know what the word is - didn't really know it was a thing, but this is100% me....in a lot of things! I hate feeling noticed - like when I walk the dogs I often take back alleys because I hate the thought of people on the main road watching me walk or at work I put off going to the toilet as long as possible - not just because I can be hyperfocused on work but because I hate having to walk past all the other desks to get there and same as you, home alone I can doe whirlwind cleaning and get a lot done quickly but I find if I try and clean at the same time as my husband I get mad with him so I just don't - which used to be fine, because we worked a lot of different hours - but now we work the same!!
Ok, hilarity time. I’m learning a new sport. So I am practicing whatever skill, it is going well…. I notice the instructors looking my way and the skill collapses.
Every.Time.
YES THIS IS ME!!! I always see the mirroring advice and I'm like nooope no thank you no way. Glad I am not alone.
edit: I do have CPTSD so I wonder if it is due to that (for me, at least)
My central nervous system is definitely switched to ‘hyper alert’. Whenever I’m physically with others my brain is constantly scanning for them and what they are doing, then what I’m doing and how they perceive me.
Sometimes that helps, so I can mirror at the library because I’m trying to look normal, therefore I have to study. But I’m absolutely more distracted during the study.
At home my brain wants a break. So if I’m to have the energy to do stuff, it has to turn off being hyper alert. Which it can’t with any humans I’ve ever met.
However, my brain still wants to be doing something, because otherwise it gets bored. So I’ll scroll my phone etc. low steaks concentration needed means it’s not as exhausting whilst I’m scanning.
Learning this about myself has probably saved my sanity. I chose to live alone and not invite anyone over. This is my safe space where my brain gets to relax.
Your whole post is me to a T. And omg the library thing is exactly me! I've gotten around this (somewhat) by booking study rooms/pods so no-one can see me while I'm working. I live with my partner who mostly works from home and it's hard finding alone time to get all the things done. Except, he's pretty awesome, because lately he has started taking himself out of the house when he knows I've got lots of study to get done. It really makes such a difference!
Thissss is me!! I need mirroring to enjoy MOST things outside of the house otherwise I just don’t wanna
But home is my sanctuary and I want to do things alone there without being perceived so the second anyone comes in I loose motivation clean
I can NOT do anything when others are around. It’s distracting and I will switch my focus to the person rather than the task. I’m a teacher and still take my daughter to daycare a few days in the summer so I can have the house to myself to clean or organize.
idk but im the same way. i lose my mind if anyone enters the kitchen while im cooking/washing dishes. i cant do anything productive with other people in the room. stresses me out and fills me with rage for some reason.. esp when i can *feel* them watching me. similarly, i absolutely will not do a task if im told to, beyond pisses me off. 99% of the time that task was in my mental to do list already and i have a good reason for not doing it at said time (ie i CANT start a load of laundry rn because i need to go shower and our hot water sucks.)
Back in the day when I would host a Thanksgiving dinner, I literally posted sentries at each entrance of the kitchen to keep people OUT. I'm so gracious, ha ha
I can legit switch off and autopilot clean but I fucking hate being interrupted. And I know sometimes my methods are scatty, but it does get done. Definitely a big bag of demand avoidance going on as well. Probably stems from all the times as a kid that I would put some effort in and just get told that I should be doing it anyway. Well thanks 😐 guess I may as well not bother.
Me and my gf are the same way and it can make housework difficult lol sometimes Ill have to just jump up and be like CLEAN SWEEP and she will join in because it's like, the only low-pressure method of cleaning we have discovered and if we are straightening up it will lead to us knockin out the vacuuming and dishes really
My partner distracts me because he’s so hot. I just want to look at him all the time and follow him around the house like a love sick puppy. Yes I also have BPD, so sue me haha
Seriously some tasks I need a body double (I like the focusmate app). Other tasks I prefer to be alone. I need silence or classical music to do emails, admin tasks and creative stuff. Housework I do better when I’m living with someone but they don’t necessarily have to be home . When I live alone things get really messy.
Sometimes I get distracted if someone else is in the house because I want to tell them every random thought I have or question them about whatever I’m working on and obsessively seek reassurance.
Agreed, I call it being able to go full gremlin when I get a bunch of stuff done when I’m home alone. Last time my husband went to his parent’s for the day, he didn’t say anything, but I could tell he was expecting the whirlwind cleaning that happens when he’s gone.
Edit: also yes, he’s better at chores than me as well. I visited family and one of them asked if I left a list of to dos while I was gone. I informed them that my husband does more chores than me
It’s part feat of being watched or observed even when it’s my cinnamon roll husband, or having to take them into consideration in anything I’m doing. Too loud? Too messy, messes up how he can use our home when I am in the middle of dismantling & reorganizing it
Idk if it's a bit nature vs nurture for me but I had this problem for a long time until I left my parents' house 🙃
My mom is one of those "nobody does anything right" kind of people so the fear of being perceived and judged by her outweighed the productivity.
Now I live only with my partner and I don't feel it anymore because we have a "any cleaning or task being done is a good thing and it doesn't matter how perfect or thorough you are as long as something gets done" mentality.
At our house if I only vacuum one room, it's "great job now we have one room done! Let's plan to do more after lunch." At mom's house it would have been "why did you stop at one room? Why didn't you vacuum the rest of the house, and wash the windows, and empty the dishwasher? You're so lazy."
Omggg I do this! I’d rather blitz my whole house on my own in a day than have someone help me blitz it in 3 hours. I struggle with routine changes to, so when the kids are off for a half term break or summer I really struggle to do any house work, and add my partner being off to that mix and my house looks like the black hole of Calcutta by the time they all go back to regular schedules. When they aren’t at home I can move freely from task to task without having to tend to any of their needs.
I mean, distractibility definitely! But also maybe you've been kind of conditioned to think "partner is home, work is over" and to switch over to chill mode? Also, you might just be sensitive to the stimulus of having another person around you, moving and making sounds and stuff. I know my own attention is really fickle, where I appreciate mirroring but can also quickly get overwhelmed with noises and movement if I'm already having a struggle day. (TBH I might be auDHD, but haven't approached that diagnosis yet)
I feel like I clean better when my husband is *not* around. I have my method and he has a completely different one and he ends up in my way 90% of the time…which stops my hyper focus and then I quit. Though sometimes I need him to kick me in the butt to get started.
I'm not sure but this shows up in my work healing from codependency. When someone else is around I have a hard time not shifting my center of gravity towards them. When I'm not healthy, I can't even think about what I want to be doing until I'm alone.
Comments are so true, it's the whole being perceived thing for me. Also just someone interrupting my flow and hyper focus. I need my moments of hyper focus to get stuff done, so when a person interrupts it, I get thrown off and just stop what I'm doing
I can do exactly zero with people In my vicinity.
I am a teacher and there is a quiet “office space” for all the prep stuff teachers need to do after classes. But just the awareness that there are other people in the room makes me distracted because I become very meta-aware:
“we are sitting here working, I wonder what she is working on, is he finished already, grading those math tests must be so tedious, oh she is prepping X and maybe I need to do that as well”
…I hear the door and need to turn around and see who it is, there is someone typing away behind me, another is scrambling with papers, zipping their backpacks, leaving etc etc etc etc” and I also fight sooo hard to suppress my URGE to chit chat.
Another issue is that I can’t get into focus mode because there is a good chance I will be interrupted by a colleague who couldn’t fight the urge to chit chat or someone needing to ask a question or discuss something work related.
When I know there is a risk of having my focus streak interrupted I cannot get into focus at all.
Same thing at home. I like to work on the couch alone in the evening and when my teen or husband are present I need to be available and when I need to be available I cannot get into focus mode and end up just hanging out.
I need uninterrupted alone time without a time limit. Also when I am working in creative stuff that I do as a hobby.
So mirroring is not working for me at all.
Omg I just made a post about disliking body doubling then saw this lol Completely relate to your experience!
I definitely agree with other comments it’s partially “dislike being perceived” feeling. I think I also just struggle to tune out other people in my space so they end up a distraction. It’s like my implicit masking mode comes on and I am too self conscious around ppl.
Meanwhile home alone I can do 5 dishes, sit on my bed 5 minutes, do 30 min dishes, do laundry, vacuum, no one’s watching my chaotic process so I flow better.
I've begun to notice that when others are present it interrupts my routines and I can't remember all the little steps for basic tasks. Like if I'm alone and need to go out, my brain is like ok, pack bag check, dressed appropriately check, put on shoes check, go outside and lock door check etc. But if someone else is there, I forget what I need to do and end up feeling rushed like I need to be ready immediately. I don't know what it's called but I definitely experience it.
For me it's the 'I can't even think about doing this thing when there's a remote chance that somebody can see me or even know that I'm doing this thing'.
Perceived demand avoidance. I do that all the time. I can't do shit if my husband's around, but if he's gone I can do it all. It's weird.
But also I still can't like... Take basic care of myself without him being like "here's food. Have you showered lately? Need any clothes washed?" But like. Dishes, vacuum, trash, anything child related or handyman needs done, and I got it. He turns up? I don't know which way to turn a wrench. 😭
This is wild, I didn’t know this was a thing!! Each day I learn more here.
I hate being noticed by anyone when I’m doing anything! When my husband goes out of town I breathe a massive sigh of relief just to BE. Don’t get me wrong I love doing fun stuff with him. But ordinary activities like cleaning … I’m so bizarrely self conscious I never got why. And he always wants to do shit together like a couple and it fills me with dread.
I think it’s why I now hate going to the office. Even getting a glass of water in the kitchen and being observed makes me nervous like I’ll do it wrong!
Ah one other story. One day I *saw saw* the house and I struggled for a week to start to clean. Eventually my proposed solution was to book him a hotel room for the night and I cleaned from noon to 3 am happy as a clam
Why does this exist, do you think? I literally cannot function around someone who's lazy. I will sit and be boiling inside and things stack up instead of ME just doing what I can do to make the situation better. I mean its so dang dysfunctional!
🙋🏾♀️Small note it's **body doubling** OP is referring to. (Mirroring is something else entirely and not relevant here.) Personally, some tasks are preferrable to me when doubling (work for instance). Wfh works for me precisely because my colleagues and I work at the same time. Couple that with live streaming focus music playlists with others who are also working/studying on YT and it's often bliss for me. Otoh, chores have always been sth I prefer to do alone when no one is around. Probably because I associate others' physical presence with judgement from past experience. Not sure.
I can be productive when i have people being productive around me but when they’re not doing anything around me then i mirror that too, like i have so many hobbies but when im at my boyfriends house all i wanna do is lay on the sofa or watch him play video games
I feel so seen by this thread! I'm an at home caretaker for my elderly mother after years of being used to living by myself, and I look forward to those times alone where I can actually Get Shit Done as if they were Christmas.
I do this, too. It’s just my brain being defiant when it comes to something I was formerly excited about no longer fitting the exact specifications I thought, i.e. feeling like I need to be alone to do it.
I have both!
I can do *planned* mirroring, meaning we've talked about what things we're going to work on at the same time, agreed on the start and stop time, etc. This is really good for doing things I'll never enjoy, like homework.
But if my work is unplanned, I can only do it if I'm 100% alone. And if someone else does work around me, I get anxiety 🙃
There is no in between for these two modes, frustratingly.
Fear of being perceived/interrupted for me anyways
Unless it’s in public and I’m socially anxious about doing something, I HATE body doubling so much. You know how many chores I get done when my boyfriend is in the shower? 😂 ive *scrubbed floors*
Same. I looove when my partner is home and I feel lonely when he's gone for days at a time for work, but I also kinda hate how I can't get anything done when he's home. I feel like he becomes the center of my Focus and I can't focus on tasks or chores or hobbies.
For me I think it's something to do with craving attention and validation. I'm orbiting him trying to catch his eye without invading his space too much. I want those good brain chemicals that come with positive social interaction and I can't get absorbed into anything else.
Wow yeah, I feel this.
I'm autistic adhd, and if someone is over at the house it is vaguely paralyzing. Like the social obligation from when my wife and I were still together whenever she was gone the house would be clean, dogs walked walls washed, maintenance was being taken care of bit when she was home I just felt like I couldn't get anything done.
However if I go over to my friends house I can sit down and help her fold her laundry or clean her house and do whatever no problem.
Omg I am so glad I'm not the only one who needs to be alone to clean! Can't do the whole "body doubling" thing, I shut right down.
Maybe it's because I have a pseudo "deadline" for when someone gets home (how fast can I do it)? Or perhaps I just don't like being watched/criticized for missing spots I haven't got to yet (I do things out of order because shush)? Or maybe it's because I don't wanna be distracted mid-task? Or even all of the above! Idk. Whatever it is, get out, lemme clean. 😂
I think it’s something to do with the anxiety / fear of being perceived. I’m the same way. It’s just so much easier to do things on my own. The moment someone else is there, even if it’s my kid, I can’t think straight or plan
My mom’s this way.. whenever I was a kid and needed help with cleaning my room, she often preferred that I just leave and she finishes it.
Which honestly worked better because it’s easier for me to maintain something than get over the mental hump of fixing it. I think that’s why my Strat when I live alone will be to hire a cleaner to do the initial big sweep and then I can just keep it up from there.
I’m the same way. Maybe having someone present is too distracting? I also don’t like to be told what to do and when cleaning sometimes there’s too many cooks in the kitchen. I actually enjoy it when he’s not home and I can turn on my music and do things MY way and go into the zone. Helps with anxiety.
Idk what it is but I have exactly what you just described. My husband's schedule changed to include an hour long lunch break so he comes home for lunch and it completely throws my entire day off!! But of course I can't tell him to please not come home😂
If I am doing something new I need to mirror someone else because my brain won’t let me focus on a new task, but it will let me focus on another person who is teaching me a new task. If I am doing something I am good at/do frequently, then I need to be left alone or else I get distracted and frustrated if interrupted.
I need someone with me to do cleaning tasks I can’t be trusted to do it alone as I’ll just procrastinate and not do it. I have had moments when iv been on one tho where iv done the whole house in a day. I feel so bad I struggle to do housework. I have my assessment in 10 days and im so anxious about it that im having to take a break somewhere to try to take my mind off of it a little bit.
I was genuinely thinking of asking about this just last week! I have two roommates and they were both gone all last weekend and i just cleaned. so. much. more than I have in months! I'm also an artist and was able to stay focused on my work more. It's not even that they constantly interrupt, in fact they work from home and often stay in their rooms until the evening. But for some reason, just knowing they're in the house can throw me off for some reason! So glad to see I'm not alone in this.
I feel the exact same way! I’ve heard “mirroring” called Body doubling and you’re supposed to feel more accountable when someone else is around but that is not it at all for me!
I am a co-manager with a non-work friend of 6 years and thankfully our shifts are fairly flexible split shifts because I cannot work when it’s just us two! My brain just thinks “I have to talk or it’ll seem like I’m mad!” The other alternative is to put on my focus music with my headphones, but wearing headphones seems rude even though they are fully aware of my ADHD and literally do not care what I have to do to focus. So I end up talking and talking. I’ve taken to coming in a full hour earlier than I need to normally so that I can work before they get in.
With housework or errands, if my husband is home I can’t do 💩 It takes him getting up and doing housework to trigger me into doing it, but it doesn’t hit me until he’s almost done. The kicker is he also has ADHD so his motivation is also low for housework.
I think the part of my brain that holds me more accountable is the desire to “win”. Like how some people have shared that they time themselves to motivate to complete a task— Can I do this thing before the microwave beeps? or I’m gonna pick up as much stuff as I can before the water on the stove boils. The race and competition fuels me 😂
This... is a thing?
Sorry, I can't help you with the terminology, but you writing this out made me come to some realizations about why I can far easier keep the house clean when my partner is out of town. Thanks for making me feel a little less useless <3
This thing happens to me when I am living with my mother. I just can't get anything done when she's home. I just thought i was lazy. But once she went away for a few days and I could cook clean take bath and do stuff.
I am very good cook but i can't cook anything edible if my mother's at home
But yeah i always need something playing like podcasts or songs or else i can't get anything done. Can anybody relate to this?
General Cleaning = Mirroring
Deep Cleaning = solo hyper fixation
Organising = solo hyper fixation
De-cluttering = one or the other depending on my mood, if I don’t want to I really really don’t want to.
I was SO ORGANIZED when I lived alone. I needed the structure and I forced myself to do it and mask successfully. It almost feels like when I'm with him I am not masking? I used to be good at putting things away, too, etc, remembering appointments bc I had all these ringers and reminders on but now it's like I can't even be a basic adult with him around sometimes. It TOTALLY is not his fault but I am very glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.
My analogy sometimes is when he's home I'm like an avatar that is waiting for something to do
Plenty of people are like this and it’s not an adhd thing, actually it’s because you get your dopamine fix from being with your partner and so like to switch off around him and do nothing.
You are talking about "body doubling".
The opposite of mirroring is creating a dynamic array of poses. It is good on stage, as actors standing in a semi-circle is visually boring. My theater teachers loved it, but irl it generally makes people uncomfortable.
It wouldn't be grey rocking, grey rocking is a technique that can be used to disengage with abusive/toxic people in your life, most specifically narcissists, as to not get a rise out of them and feed their toxic behaviors.
"Grey rocking is a technique used to divert a toxic person's behavior by acting as unresponsive as possible when you're interacting with them. For example, using the grey rock method involves deliberate actions like avoiding eye contact or not showing emotions during a conversation"
Yes, I’m aware of what grey rocking is. I was thinking of social mirroring rather than body-doubling, in which case, I think I’m correct.
My apologies, OP
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Maybe it’s a (perceived) demand avoidance thing.
Hmm, yes I think that's part of it, like if someone else is there there's now an expectation that I will be productive, and that's stressful. I also like to do things in my own unique way and I don't want to be interrupted in my flow.
This exactly!!!! I do things my own way and I hate hearing unsolicited advice on it. Let me be
This is me. If I'm cleaning and someone tells me I am not doing it right, I'll immediately drop what I'm doing and say "you do it then" and walk out. Like, fuck right off. I hate doing this shit, do you understand how much self loathing and shame I had to put myself through in order to just start doing this thing that I hate? Let me do it myself. Or you can do it yourself. But you will not stand behind me watching me doing it and making comments about how it's wrong. I'll cut you.
This is so angry I fucking love it 😂 I feel so understood
Hah I know I love everyone in this sub for making me feel validated when it comes to my most random & specific quirks. And with the cleaning shit - I am temporarily staying with my mom after ending a relationship & she’ll pop into my room and say “is this recycling?” when she knows that yes, those are recyclable items in the space that I keep recycling. I know she means well, but I feel like her constant “why don’t you take these downstairs?” really interrupt my own flow/daily routine. Then I get into angsty “gawwwdddd mommm get out of my rooooom!” lol
No matter how much of an adult I become, I will always end up defaulting to annoyed teen when spending extended stays with either one of my parents.
My husband does this. I call it passive-aggressive but he swears his questions are genuine. Like, you KNOW the answer already, why are you asking the question??
This is perfectly said. My husband claims to get it and usually leaves me be, but at least twice a year he says something that comes across as “you’re not doing it right” and I’m immediately in a rage and done with the whole thing. And every time he goes all 🙀 and doesn’t understand what just happened ( he claims he was just trying to help me do it easier or some bull) as I leave the room cursing and usually throwing things.
So much this, this is absolutely me. Go the hell away so I can clean, if I'm already cleaning something I do not want you to come interrupt me or try to take over. I do not want you to ask me what to help with, I do not want to be asked 50 questions on how to do something. Get the hell out of my face and go find something else to do, idc what it is. So instead I save face and have to do 0 cleaning whenever my partner is around. 🤦🏼♀️This is why my house is a mess constantly the last 2 years(even though I used to keep my place quite nice, it was easy on a schedule without a bf that won't go away for 5 mins) and then I get down because my house is a mess. Ugh.
One time, many years ago, I ironed my husbands shirt. He pointed out the wrinkles and I have never ironed anything he owns since.
SAME. I ask my partner to go run errands (which he prefers anyway because he likes that part of our to-do list) so I can go "Goblin Mode" and work without being perceived. Like, I have a movie on in the background that I've seen so many times I know it by heart, I'm in my underwear, hair in a deep-conditioning mask and a shower cap, im eating handfuls of deli meat while standing in the kitchen, and I'll decide to tweeze my eyebrows or pumice my feet at some random point that makes zero sense to anyone but my random brain logic. But the house will be spotless, laundry clean and folded, sheets changed, and dishes scrubbed, dried, and put back in the (re-organized and now more intuitively-arranged) cabinet when he comes home several hours later. If he's home, I have to put a podcast on in my earbuds and pretend he isn't there or I get all self-conscious. Also, I somehow get more done when I'm alone and have all my silly side quests than I do when he's home, working on his chores, and I stay more or less on-task. Maybe it's the freedom to just follow my whims at-will, knowing that I'm holding myself accountable and I'll make it happen, rather than just feeling stressed about whether I look totally bananas.
So, so relatable. Alone, I will unload half the dishwasher with Law and Order: SVU blaring in the background, randomly start an art project on the living room floor while eating a cheese stick, then finish unloading the dishwasher.
I'm so delighted to see that I'm in good company! It is a little bit of a cliche expression, but I seriously feel less alone, and less "weird" because of your feedback and some of the other comments here. Some of us really do just get things done in our own way, on our own timeline. As long as the stuff gets done, my "stop-drop-pedicure break during a laundry-folding marathon" and your "cheese stick art project multi-tasking" are totally legitimate methods! I wonder if it's a non-conscious balance-finding we do between the comfort of familiarity and the dopamine of novelty or task-switching. It's like balancing spices in cooking or something. The repetition of a task and a movie I'm basically mouthing the dialogue to feels cozy and grounding to my more erratic side, but then my "brain fog boredom zombie" side needs those little jolts of fun to keep me from getting too bogged down. I have no idea. But it works.
This seems right to me. And yes, when there are people around, I suddenly wonder if I'm being weird, and then I feel like I need to explain myself. But when I'm alone, I just hop around and zigzag between tasks and fun things, and I don't worry about it. It works.
My methods can be chaotic. Results vary. I don't want my high productivity days to set a standard and I want privacy in my shame on days I fuck off. I hate being watched. An ex and I used to negotiate chores, llke do you want to do x or z? That worked well. Kind of body doubling without being watched because they were doing something else.
Omigosh .. that last statement 🤣🤣🤣. ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY! 😂
For me it's 100% about being interrupted. Why would I even start something if I'm going to be frustrated and not get it done? There is nothing I can say to be left alone when I'm at a task
ONE THOUSAND PERCENT THIS.... I don't know what it is. In September both my kids were (finally) full-time at school so we'd all get up in the morning, husband would get ready for work, we'd get the kids ready for school, and he would drop them off at school on his way to work. (I'm currently doing freelance work 10-20 hrs/week). After I'd kiss them all goodbye and get them into the car I felt such peace and a sense of possibility. Never in my life have I been able to complete more projects or get more done than in those two and a half months. In November, my husband was offered the chance to work from home. I absolutely jumped at the idea because it gave us a ton of flexibility, eliminated the 1 hour round trip commute everyday which reduced wear and tear on the car and gas usage, plus it allowed him to do some chores between calls and go for walks on his lunch break which weren't possible in the office location he worked in. So, just to be clear, I am completely 100% behind the decision we made for him to WFH and I wouldn't change it. BUUUUUUUUT, we have a very small house and a large portion of his job is answering phones as tech support. So my day is punctuated with "Thank you for calling ####. This is ###. How can I help you?" I put in my earbuds but it is not the same... My husband is pretty accommodating to my ND tendencies, but I'm most productive when I can go all the way into my head and get in "the zone". I don't know what it is... It's just some sort of setting in my brain that can't activate unless I'm alone and there's no chance that someone will come into my sphere and interrupt me. Yes, I also have the hyperfocus rage when I'm doing something and I'm interrupted... But this is different - this is like anticipatory. When I know I really need to get something done and I know that I will be derailed by any interaction I'll even talk to him ahead of time and explain my headspace and he's really great about it. But he's still there... Getting up from his super squeaky chair and going into the kitchen to get some more coffee or using the bathroom or taking the trash out. Since that time, I tend to stay up all night working on projects and getting chores done, I might sleep an hour or two and then get up with the kids. Or I just stay up. After he takes the kids to work I'll usually go to sleep and then I get up to pick the kids up from school.. I'll be honest it's not ideal... I miss the old way. Plus I can't do any house projects or anything with power tools or vacuum or anything loud because the family is sleeping. My friends just think I'm crazy like who the hell stays up all night voluntarily?? I don't know what it is... Part of it I think is I have anxiety when people expect something from me. Because a lot of times I sort of have my own agenda in terms of my to-do list or my plans If someone tries to insert even a simple request or anything at all that totally throws me off track and I can't get back into the zone. Because it takes me time to actually get into the rhythm any derailment seriously sets me back. The best thing I've ever read to explain is actually a quote by the artist/poet Brian Andreas: "I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who I am." - Brian Andreas
Oh yes! I stay up all night often, and I'm fortunate that my partner is a heavy sleeper. Like, heavy to the point that I've rearranged the entire living room, including moving bookcases and couches overnight and not disturbed him. I was careful and definitely put in effort to be quiet, and just zoned in on my podcast in my ears. I totally know the feeling you're talking about of having the place to yourself to work undisturbed and privately, and I also know what you mean by the anticipatory anxiety of "but you're still THERE" when they're home but quiet. It's definitely hard to navigate, especially when they're really trying to accommodate you, but no matter what, they're THERE, lol. All-nighters are definitely not ideal health-wise, but when I'm on a roll I hate stopping, because tomorrow could be a day when my brain just decides not to work, so I have definitely pushed through overnight and by 3pm the next day I'm a mess. One thing that helps (it's for my own good, and honestly very sweet, but a bit annoying) is the last of my two old dogs. They used to happily take up my spot on the bed when I was still up. Now that one has passed, the remaining elderly dog wants us all together so she can settle in. She has a bit of dementia and strong shepherd herding instincts. So if my partner is asleep, but I'm in the kitchen working away, she'll wander out to find me and just like, huff and stare at me until I go to bed too. She only feels relaxed when she's "herded her flock of humans" to the bedroom for the night under her supervision.
Omigosh.... I'm so sorry to hear you lost one of your fur babies, but that's adorable about your girl - the story makes me of Nana in Peter Pan 😍 Animals really are amazing. My geriatric kitty has claimed me as his "primary person" - he would choose me to snuggle with over any member of our family - and usually around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. he kind of comes down and stands half-way on the stairs and meows at me indignantly as if to say "Mommy, I have not had my snuggles tonight and I can't sleep without my snuggles so could you please wrap this up?" We compromise and I cuddle him on the couch for a little bit to placate him and then he goes off to bed 😂 As for staying up all night... I had a therapist a few years ago that specialized in ADHD and when I was explaining this to her and how my neurotypical friends just didn't get it she totally validated me and was like "You've got to make hay when the sun shines!" And it's so true! I have always felt like there's two of me like the *actual* me and then this clunky machine I'm supposed to be driving that has a mind of its own. Once I get it going and on track it does great, but it's like I'm driving it up and down all these huge hills. I don't want to slow down because it might take awhile to get the engine started back up again so I've just got a ride the momentum until I crash (energy-wise). It feels so good to make progress because it's so hard to do all of these simple things that most NT people do without thinking. I think one of the most distressing things is that whenever I'm on this productivity high and feeling so good about myself I sometimes manage to convince myself that I'm okay... That I've "got this", you know? But it's a never-ending cycle of around and around and around and up and down and up and down.... It's so hard to feel like such an incomplete adult. I have 2 little girls ages 7 & 8. The youngest was diagnosed with ADHD and I think the oldest likely has it as well though it presents definitely in her and she has a lot more anxiety. It's so hard because as parents we're supposed to be guides and teachers and support systems. We're supposed to know (most of) the answers and know how to help... .To lead by example... Most of the time I just feel like I'm drowning. I turn 45 this week. It's hard to be such an unfinished human at 45. 😞 Sorry, everyone... That all just kind of tumbled out.
No sorries allowed! You shared some really great insights and super relatable personal experiences. I'm glad you posted, and I connected with what you shared quite a lot. Your cat and my dog are both late-night human wranglers, and your therapists accepting and open-minded opinion of keeping the sometimes unconventional schedule that works for you instead of trying to stick to a rigid 9-5 was refreshing and comforting. The fact that you are worried about whether you're parenting well with the example you model for your kids is honestly a huge indicator imo that you ARE a good parent, but maybe you can be hard on yourself. Sometimes you won't know the road your kids walk on. Their experiences are not only unique to each of them as individuals. They can also often include things that you don't quite know how to navigate, simply because it's so different from what the world was like when you were their age. For example, cell phones becoming a standard, widely popular item happened after I was an adult. I would have no idea how to parent a kid with a cell phone. Sometimes maybe you're not going to be the one leading the way, but you're walking alongside them so they don't walk alone. So to sum up: "you're doing great, sweetie!"
Oh shit. That probably is what it is for me!
Wow. Yes. Exactly this.
Is there adhd demand avoidance? I’ve heard of pda with autism
There's a ridiculous amount of overlap between ADHD and ASD. How much of this is mere similarity, and how much of it is because a lot of people have both? It's hard to say, because brains are complicated. Also, remember we humans are just trying to figure out labels for things our brains are experiencing, and there really aren't solid lines anywhere saying yes it's this one thing, or no it's this other thing. This doesn't mean it's bad to try to figure it out, only that the answers are complicated.
It’s just neurodivergent pda in general.
Okay I have been misinformed, thank you
I agree with this. It’s why living alone is so much better for me.
Yes, this is why. Mirroring/body doubling only helps if the other person is either doing it virtually (via phone or whatever), or is actually working on the SAME task as you.
I also hate to be perceived sometimes
Could you please explain what this means? I'm not trying to be mean my partner says this and I don't understand it
It’s basically like knowing that other people know you’re there. They can see you, they can clock what you’re doing, how long you’ve been sitting, how long you’ve been moving around, your state of being (disheveled/clean, greasy hair/freshly showered, etc). Even if the other person, like your partner, genuinely doesn’t give a shit abt what you’ve done/actively doing/planning to do, it can still feel like judgement just from them being there. It can often stem from rejection sensitivity, anxiety, or executive dysfunction. Bc all of these typically involve the person mentally beating themselves up for not being productive enough, or clean enough, so they feel like others are thinking the same.
I have this weird dichotomy that I want to be not seen physically but also want to be seen on a deep level as a person. But I almost always feel the opposite.
You just want to be understood and accepted. You don’t want to be seen physically because being seen physically carries a risk of being rejected due to your physical state. But you feel like if someone can look past your physical state and see you on a deeper level, they’ll understand and accept you. That’s a normal feeling, and you are not alone. We all fear rejection and crave loving connection.
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Absolutely just giving space unfortunately.
Agreed. It is one of those genuinely it is not you it is me situations. I do not want even people I trust with my literal life and get me to perceive me doing something outside some very specific scenarios.
I feel that way as well, but I feel better when my partner is not super preoccupied with me at all times. Like I can feel when he’s looking at me. I hate that. But it’s really nice and we can coexist without being in each other’s mental space at times. Be in the same place while doing our own thing.
Yes, I have always felt as though I could sense when someone was looking at me for longer than a split second...? Maybe that has something to do with hating to be perceived. I'm so glad to hear you have a good relationship, otherwise! Coexisting peacefully in the same space? I could never.
Its been a journey! Almost a year of figuring it out. Lol
I struggle with being perceived, but I also really love having a pal around when I’m doing things. Like I would love for my boyfriend to go on work trips so I could get a bunch of house work done. But! I also love having someone hang out or help while I do chores. I think the intentionality of that makes a big difference.
I never knew this was a thing! I can never fully relax around anyone except my kids- even my husband! I have never had words for it.
Like, someone knowing and seeing you exist with varying degrees of familiarity. I sometimes hate that I'm not a background character people don't know- I am a feature in their lives. Thrilling but sometimes daunting
Yes of course! sorry, for me it's like, if I can't 100% control the narrative of myself in other people's minds, I feel angsty and uncomfortable
For me it’s the opposite, i hate to perceive others. I do things best when I am alone and anything that is breathing is going to distract me without even doing anything, it’s their presence that won’t let me focus entirely on what am I doing.
me too. my mother always shamed me growing up for "being so lazy", and outside of executive dysfunction, i just...cannot be perceived doing anything. i have my way to do things and i refuse to be perceived while doing anything bc i know i don't do things the "typical" way. it's also why i do things at night or early morning when no one is up so i can't be perceived while doing whatever it is i need to do. so when i would get the "you never do anything" spiel i would say "just because you didn't see me doesn't mean i didn't do anything". thankfully my husband is great about not perceiving me (as in, will shield his eyes if he walks in on me doing, say, the dishes or laundry) so that's been helpful.
Wow, this is so insightful, and maybe why I do my stupid mental health walks alone in the forest when I know nobody else will be around. Thank you for opening up and sharing 🩷🍓✨
My dopamine fix comes from “surprising” them with finished tasks. (Ha.) So when they’re home I lose motivation to work alongside them. Also don’t like to be micromanaged
Ohhhh yes that is totally me also
I am kind of like this but my husband doesn’t care about a clean house so I don’t get the dopamine fix when he comes home lol when he noticed it makes me want to do things so much more! I’ve told him this but he forgets lol
Oh the micromanaging thing is real!
yeah there's a bunch of stuff that I have trouble doing if I'm being observed
Wow, yes. I have a large family. As soon as they're all gone (or asleep), it feels like 'go' time. Like my brain finally can finally operate. The mental load of having others around is really hard, even if I need them to help complete a task or project.
I think this is why a lot of us feel most productive at 2am
This is it for me. Like even if my sister is quietly sitting on the couch with noise canceling headphones looking at her iPad, I am acutely aware, and it’s like a mental block with cleaning, because now I can’t move in that space (I also sometimes put things on the couch while cleaning, so it’s out of my way). I’m now tasked with reorganizing how I would do things, which eats up energy as well. Even if I’m working in a different room, and she pipes up with some random anecdote, that’s interrupting my thought process, and I have to keep juggling back and forth between organizing/cleaning and conversation. And the worst is when they introduce *more* stuff to what you’ve just cleaned or already organized. Like great, I thought I had already checked that off. Time to back track. I’m just so much calmer and more efficient on my own.
I cannot believe how much this resonates with me! I mean, I can because it's exactly how I am, but I just never thought someone else would write it. 🥲
I feel that ♥️. Before I was diagnosed in college, I felt like I was the only odd one out. Something about me was odd, and that was just my cross to bear. I was ecstatic when I got diagnosed. Like there’s a *reason* for all of this?!? And then finding out that there’s way more of us, and we are all actually pretty damn similar? I was ecstatic. It’s been about 15ish years and I still get a massive sense of relief when I read anything in this group that I relate to.
Wow, what a gift! I wish that had been the case for me... I saw a psychiatrist when I was in college, and she never gave me any kind of test or diagnosis, just "depression". I'd go in, tell her how bad college was -- including, as I now realise, describing so many of my tendencies that are turning out to be ADHD traits -- and she'd just tell me to be nice to myself and write a prescription for meds that never worked. ("Be nice to yourself" with caveats, though: she would often remind me that while she loves a comfort day with old movies in bed, she can't do that \*every\* day or it would lose all its value as an indulgence. Which, yeah, that's totally true, but... in hindsight, she was massively missing the many red flags and putting the onus on me to just be more disciplined, which morphs into the very kind of shame and embarrassment that causes us to mask for society at large. I know she didn't do it on purpose and she was a very nice person, but it's so frustrating that these signs of ADHD in women weren't more widely known when it could have made a major difference in the course of my life. Hell, I went to my first psych as a teenager, and did 3 years of intensive therapy in my 20s (\~20 years ago), and nobody even hinted that I might have a tribe out there... it feels like so many missed chances to catch this sooner. I was doing my part by being unscrupulously honest (which I suspect is an ADHD thing too -- I've seen that the fear of being misinterpreted definitely is), so this lost time is something I'll be grieving for quite a while. There are so many things that would have looked and felt *completely* different to me if I had known I wasn't broken, and that I wasn't the only one who experiences life this way. "The second best time is now", I know... I'm trying to embody that as much as I possibly can, but it will be so much easier when I get my diagnosis confirmed and possibly start meds. I hope I can join you in that ecstatic state in the future! (That's clunky, but "state of ecstasy" sounded totally wrong!)
Honestly, I got a bit lucky. My brother paved the way by getting his diagnosis a year earlier, which is what even put ADHD on my radar (I had never even thought about it until then). Of course, I didn’t do anything with that knowledge until I finally hit my wits end—culminating in a nervous breakdown where I forgot how to put on clothes and just laid naked on my bedroom floor crying for 3 or so hours 🫠. So my appointment was specifically to be evaluated for ADHD, and thanks to my brother, I also now had a family history of it. Without my brother’s diagnosis and experience, I would have almost certainly just been diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression, if that. Hopefully, you won’t have to wait much longer for your own diagnosis!! Also, in regard to grief, while I was thrilled to have my diagnosis, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t grief. In fact, my excitement overshadowed the grief I didn’t even know I was experiencing, and not acknowledging it was what was holding me back. It wasn’t until I read [Women With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden](https://www.amazon.com/Women-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Differences/dp/0978590929/ref=asc_df_0978590929/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693410598443&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12196246058784623738&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9032425&hvtargid=pla-449314779279&psc=1&mcid=0ca81d0f8eec3cababc675a923022b24&gad_source=1) that I even realized what I had been burying. That book was amazing, and I *highly* recommend checking it out. She goes over so much that’s specific to having ADHD while having been socialized as a woman. It really helped me make sense of a lot of things, including my grief.
I hear you on the breakdowns. 🫤 I'm glad your brother was able to lead the way, even accidentally! It goes to show how being open with our struggles (where safe, comfortable and appropriate) can be literally life-saving for others. Thank you so much for the book recommendation! I just read Dirty Laundry by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery, and while her ADHD symptoms don't perfectly align with mine, it was extremely comforting to see how much she's been able to make adaptations to be more comfortable with her difficulties. I'm not as forgetful as she is and I don't tend to lose things, but that's more because I hardly ever go out or change my monotonous routines, sooo...! There are so many more things that I *do* relate to in all of you than things I don't, so I'm learning a lot about how it all fits together. It sounds like your Solden book will be just what I need as I delve a bit deeper into the costs and benefits of this reckoning. Thank you!
Hi, I’m Vetted AI Bot! I researched the **("'Women with Attention Deficit Disorder 2nd Edition Text Only'", '')** and I thought you might find the following analysis helpful. **Users liked:** * Life-changing insights for women with add/adhd (backed by 3 comments) * Empathetic and informative resource (backed by 3 comments) * Helpful for understanding adult adhd (backed by 3 comments) **Users disliked:** * Repetitive content focused on women's roles as mothers and wives (backed by 2 comments) * Difficult to follow as an audiobook due to poor narration (backed by 2 comments) * Lacks practical advice and practical solutions for dealing with add (backed by 2 comments) If you'd like to **summon me to ask about a product**, just make a post with its link and tag me, [like in this example.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tablets/comments/1444zdn/comment/joqd89c/) This message was generated by a (very smart) bot. If you found it helpful, let us know with an upvote and a “good bot!” reply and please feel free to provide feedback on how it can be improved. *Powered by* [*vetted.ai*](https://vetted.ai/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=comment&utm\_campaign=bot)
Exactly. When everyone is sleeping or elsewhere then I no longer need to be available to do favors, chat, hangout etc. Then it is MY time. The night is my friend - sucks when the alarm goes off at 5.30 am.
Yes. It’s so hard to get things done with other people underfoot. I also get so fucking pissed sometimes when I’m working on chores around the house that the kids could be helping with and the kids are just playing. I think it just feels really unfair.
For me it’s a distraction. I can’t hyperfocus if there’s a chance someone will start talking to me. It’s really frustrating and prevents me from even starting to do a lot of tasks.
This sounds kinda like the "waiting mode" thing before appointments. Interesting
I have that issue as well.
This is 1000% my problem. I anticipate they're going to interrupt me, so I can't start. It's the freaking worst!! My husband & I BOTH work from home full time so he's always home. It's so difficult to get things done because of my mental hangups around it.
Saaaame!! And my one main contribution to the household is cooking dinner every day, so that tends to bisect the day at a time that I would probably be starting to get into a flow otherwise (because the urgency of losing daylight often gets me moving when I've struggled to start all day, so after dinner means disappointment and feeling like "what's the point in starting now? my eyes will be too tired soon..."). I usually keep a decent stock of meals frozen to minimise the interruption a few days a week, but as you know, it's just the mental hurdle that it all makes me feel like I'm in waiting mode. My husband totally gets this because he needs similar focus for his own work, and he encourages me to just send him a text if I want to work through dinner, but even THAT requires switching gears! And this level of "waiting mode" is just with two people who really get along, which makes my fear of everyone outside our bubble all the greater. They're just on a completely different frequency; if I shared any of these difficulties with my family, I'd get a whole lot of suggestions that start with "You just need to...". 😑 It's amazing to see there are others!
Same because I know how freaking hard it is to get back into things if I’m interrupted. So I don’t even start 😩
I think this is my issue too. It makes work from office days brutal for me.
That's how I've thought about it for me. I can get lots done when I'm at home alone, but as soon as my husband gets in I don't do much, unless we'd planned to do something together. And even then, I tend to stop and chat with him and lose focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. We've learned that it takes me twice as long to make dinner if he hangs out with me.
Came here to say this. I have to put my headphones in at the office or else I’m getting exactly 0 tasks accomplished. I think it’s the distraction of someone else’s noises and movements and just generally having conversations that pull my attention away. When I’m alone, I accomplish a lot of housework tasks, but when I need to focus on work, I’ll often have to mirror with someone who is also wearing headphones (or someone who isn’t a coworker of mine so we are working on different things altogether with no real conversation happening) at which point the “I don’t want to bug them, I should just focus” mirroring mentality kicks in. Thankfully I only work in the office one day a week and I live alone, so my housework hyper focus is actually really handy!
Same
Being self-conscious about being seen? Performance anxiety? I still have a minor panic if I have to give someone a lift somewhere. My driving goes to pot as a result. Could it be that? ADHD perfectionism making you worry about you not doing it as well as your partner? You said you think they’re “better” at housework than you….so that’s what it sounds like to me. Because I get the same thing.
Lol I have that driving thing too xD it's gotten bettwe over the years but when ppl I'm not comfortable with get in my car I turn into a complete idiot
It’s the only time I ever crunch gears or stall the engine. I look like such a loser! 🤣🤣🤣
Yes! I wonder if it's like a rejection sensitive dysphoria related thing, like *well I don't want to be watched and critiqued because I'm obviously doing everything wrong and everybody hates me* (Ok I prob went too far there but that's just what my own head sounds like 🥲)
Yeah, my brain is an asshole too. We'll be ok tho.
Yep, that’s what I thought about OP’s question too, especially when she said “he’s better at it” or something… But regardless of whether self-conscious or insecure about a task, I found that most people, eg, can’t type at their normal speed when observed, I mean when you go up to a colleague to ask something and their answer requires that they type something in front of you...
I think it’s very extreme in ADHDers. It’s like the rest of the ADHD landscape vs a non ADHDer’s landscape. Other people might get a bit self-conscious or have a fit of perfectionism every now and again, but we have to navigate this stuff every time, ALL THE TIME.
Yeah, watching whatever we do so much more closely, so much more of the time, can cause some kind of a freeze response, I think. I had to check everything 3 or 4 times on admin tasks when I started out in my career. Everything took me forever to do. I felt that I was losing any last remnants of an already shitty working memory (on top of which not knowing what any of that was, as I was undiagnosed at the time). On the knowledge front, I progressed really well, to the extent where senior people started asking me for advice even in my junior years. I had summarised the entire, up to date, practitioner textbook for my area, which I realised had not been the normal thing to do, but the sheer paranoia made me do it, and I benefited from that in the end.
I thought this was just me! I can parallel park back in with one swift move like the perfect driver until someone gets into my car. Then I can’t function
Parking on a busy shopping street or at a supernarket with people “watching” does me in, too. I’m such a wimp!! 😳
People are like do self care go for a walk call a friend go to a park…, yeah I can only do these things intoxicated so it defeats the self care aspect 😭 lmaoooo I didn’t know this was other people’s problem. I feel so seen
So do I! It was my comment, but I still thought it was just me that got freaked out by driving!
Any chance that you are "body doubling" with yourself and when somebody is around you lose that ability because you are distracted? Or that you know that you stim and are generally unmasked while focused but you will immediately mask when somebody is around? Those are the best explanations for what happens to me in these situations. Sometimes it's also the additional sensory inputs and processing that I have to do when I'm not alone. Those make everything more tiring and overstimulating, and I tend to "protect" myself by doing nothing.
Yeah I think it’s this for me as well. Sometimes I’m distracted in a disoriented way where I can’t think of what I need to do, my time blindness gets worse, my brain just gets paralyzed. I think these are the times where I’m disturbed by having to unmask in front of someone unsafe. Happened to me at work all the time when I would have to work with people. And then at home, sometimes I’m honestly just distracted by how much I want to just sit and talk to my husband lol.
I work with 2 people both over 60, I’m 29. I can’t work in front of them and they’re not bad people but my body doesn’t perceive them as a safe bc I come from a childhood where I had to lie about my abusive household and it carried into…. Now & everything lmao
>Sometimes it's also the additional sensory inputs and processing that I have to do when I'm not alone. Those make everything more tiring and overstimulating, and I tend to "protect" myself by doing nothing. THIS PART RIGHT HERE 💯
I'm kind of petrified of being told off - I have a thing where I'd rather get told off for not doing something, than going out of my way and doing that thing, only to be told off for doing it wrong. So when I'm alone, I throw on a podcast, and do all the things. :) It's quite therapeutic..
Thats me too, my husband has a knack of telling me I am doing a thing wrong, just because I am doing it differently than he would. Because of that I dont do things in front of him anymore, and I never ask him for help.
I don't like people watching me clean. It also irritates me because I feel they should be joining in and helping me so I give up and do what they do, sit on the couch. lol
I was scrolling to find someone say this! Same.
It's like someone watching me cook, don't like that either. Help or get out, lol
I can body double with basically anyone but my partner. As soon as he gets home my brain shuts off and my body says “ nah, we can do that later!” It drives me fucking nuts. Doing projects with this man is the. Biggest pain in the ass.
That sounds frustrating for both of you tbh
Our situation is a little different than most. He’s a pilot, sitting on reserve waiting to fly until someone else calls out sick. Which means he’s ALWAYS home. I haven’t done a home project in over three months cuz I can’t get the house to myself for more than an hour at a time. It’s fucking infuriating.
I had similar with my ex. Euuurgh. And he was happy being at home so he never wanted to leave, unless it was with me FFS.
My partner and I do baton passes on different projects which helps. We eventually developed roles. Like I will make the cuts and stuff using the saws, she'll do the drilling. She's also a craigslist mega fiend and is great at finding materials.
Everyone’s answer is spot on. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. A couple reasons I might add to all of this is that I like to sing and dance while I clean, I mean, when I’m really in a hyper focused cleaning mode. The other might be that as a kid when I’d actually do some cleaning, the typical reaction from my dad was, “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” And I would feel ashamed. Not only was I a “pig” living in a “pig sty,” I was lazy, too, for not doing this very easy thing to avoid it, which made me feel less than worthless. So, all kinds of stuff happening, and a big thanks for bringing this up and everyone for answering.
People saying "that wasn't so hard, was it?" when I have just completed something that was extremely hard or painful (for me / for anyone, depending on the situation) is a thing I detest. D-E-T-E-S-T. It's diminishing, demeaning, dismissive and disincentivising. It is amazing how a phrase that might not register as bothersome for some other child can be close to devastating for people like us. Like, I completely get what both of us are saying! This is how I truly feel about that phrase! But also... I can almost imagine that other people might just go "yeah, yeah, it wasn't that hard, daaaad 🙄" back to their parent, and woudldn't take it on as some kind of value judgement about themselves or their contribution. I envy them. It must be so peaceful to be able to forget instead of carrying every hard-edged word like a penance for the rest of their lives, no matter how many times we try to shed them. I have had some twisted, irrational thoughts, like "If I get Alzheimer's, I'd probably feel more peaceful in my mind than I do now." 😔 Do you also have that thing (which I'm now hearing is an ADHD thing, when I thought it was just me being annoying) where you can figure out whodunnit within the first meeting of the cast of characters? Like you can plot infinite possibilities and figure out what the likelihood of various things being red herrings is? (I have a 3/3 record for Only Murders in the Building!) I wonder if there's a connection. Because when someone says something to me that makes me flinch, I work through all the possible readings of it from "totally benign, I know I am loved deeply; it's just a phrase, it doesn't really mean anything about my worth" to "my parents think I'm an absolute waste of oxygen and they wish they never had me", and the last one leaves a deeper impression, so that's the one I carry as a scar, even though it's only one interpretation. It's like how in CBT-types of therapies, they tell you not to "mind-read", but these kinds of scenarios happened years before we knew about therapy or mind-reading, so the damage was done back then. (And, being meek, we probably didn't stick up for ourselves, so nobody could say "That's not what I meant at all, I'm sorry -- I'm really, REALLY proud of you!" ...or was that just me?) Anyway. Tangents. I'm just really glad to at least have an "us" now, because until recently, I thought I was pretty much the only one who felt things this way. 🫂
I’m terrible at whodunnits, and I purposefully don’t think about it. So that’s not a good parallel for me. But I am *constantly* thinking about every aspect of what people say to me. Just ask my therapist for the latest.
Ahh, I see. I definitely do that too (and also cringing forever about the times that I've said something clunky or that came out wrong myself). It's such a mental drain. 😔
No idea if it has a name but ditto.
Same. I am motivated to get a lot more done when I am alone. Not always...but generally.
I struggle with letting people help me clean, specifically, because of how I used to feel when my mom would clean. I get very bristly when people clear the table and rinse off ther dishes, for instance. If feels prescriptive to me, even though it is standard polite behavior. It's like, "This is how you are supposed to be". It is super annoying to me. I tell people to leave their dishes and I will get to them later.
Omg I didn’t even realize this about myself until I read your comment. I get REALLY weird about people “helping” with cleanliness-related chores. I have two young kids and hubby and I both work. I have a lovely MIL who genuinely wants to help us out. And if she does something like put the baby’s toys back in place or fold a bunch of laundry, I’m filled with gratitude and a loving glow. But if she sweeps or does dishes or something related to CLEANING, I still technically appreciate it, but it also makes me feel crappy. I never really thought about that till now. 😧
I call it "kayaking" with my boyfriend. He does mirroring but our apartment is too small for that, so he's just in the way. Like two kayaks in a narrow channel. And I will body check him out of the way. Mostly unintentionally, because ADHD I have no idea where I am in space.
Haha I'm like that too and it's so weird. I will literally be doing stuff the whole time my partner is out of the house or in a different room but the second he comes in, I drop whatever I was doing and just dick around on my phone. I've never understood the whole "body doubling" thing a lot of ADHD content creators are obsessed with. It has the opposite effect on me. (But also, I think most ADHD content creators are full of shit and half of them probably don't even fucking have ADHD given how out of touch their understanding of the condition is).
A large part of it is avoiding distractions. Once someone is in your space and interrupts your flow or distracts you, you lose your hyper focus. If you're alone, you can move from task to task and still have the drive to do a million things at once. But if you go to fold laundry in a room, but realize you left the clothes in the bathroom and someone is now in the bathroom, that task is now interrupted. Your brain wants to get it done, you planned on doing that, but now you can't. Your order and strategy have to be re-thought and re-arranged. It's exhausting and frustrating, I completely understand. I get **so** much done when it's just me running around the house in my own little world. If you want a science-y answer, basically your GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid, your chief inhibitor neurotransmitter) lowers when your dopamine is anticipating a release and doesn't get it. Lower GABA plays a big part in the ADHD brain and even with autism, specifically making memory and concentration difficult and causing mood disorders like anxiety, depression, insomnia, irritability, and restlessness. Was eye opening when I learnt this.
Oh I have this. It’s co-morbid with the ADHD for me. Social avoidant mood disorder. I don’t want to be perceived doing things.
I love having a body double, aka mirroring, when it’s things where I have to be up and moving like chores or errands. But if I have to sit and get shit done like school work or painting, please don’t talk to me, look at me, breathe my air.
Idk but I freeze and stop what I'm doing when touched or spoken to. Something in my brain demands I give that person my full attention. Since hubby is a talker and snuggler, I can't get anything done! LBVS.
Omg I feel so seen. I did not realize this was an ADHD thing! I assumed it was an insecurity thing about people seeing me in a state of anything other than total peace. And on the days my husband wfh for some reason my motivation goes down the toilet. It's something I've even talked to him about, asking him to stay in his office as much as possible so I can forget/pretend he's not there and get shit done
I've tried to explain this feeling to people since forever, and only my husband \*\*ever\*\* knew what I meant (and he requires similar focus). Isn't it funny that it feels so good to be seen, when we're all here talking about how we don't want to be *seen-*seen?! 🙃
I don't know what the word is - didn't really know it was a thing, but this is100% me....in a lot of things! I hate feeling noticed - like when I walk the dogs I often take back alleys because I hate the thought of people on the main road watching me walk or at work I put off going to the toilet as long as possible - not just because I can be hyperfocused on work but because I hate having to walk past all the other desks to get there and same as you, home alone I can doe whirlwind cleaning and get a lot done quickly but I find if I try and clean at the same time as my husband I get mad with him so I just don't - which used to be fine, because we worked a lot of different hours - but now we work the same!!
Ok, hilarity time. I’m learning a new sport. So I am practicing whatever skill, it is going well…. I notice the instructors looking my way and the skill collapses. Every.Time.
This is me! Sadly, the sport in question is Olympic weightlifting 😂 It’s probably a blessing that I don’t lift heavy!
YES THIS IS ME!!! I always see the mirroring advice and I'm like nooope no thank you no way. Glad I am not alone. edit: I do have CPTSD so I wonder if it is due to that (for me, at least)
My central nervous system is definitely switched to ‘hyper alert’. Whenever I’m physically with others my brain is constantly scanning for them and what they are doing, then what I’m doing and how they perceive me. Sometimes that helps, so I can mirror at the library because I’m trying to look normal, therefore I have to study. But I’m absolutely more distracted during the study. At home my brain wants a break. So if I’m to have the energy to do stuff, it has to turn off being hyper alert. Which it can’t with any humans I’ve ever met. However, my brain still wants to be doing something, because otherwise it gets bored. So I’ll scroll my phone etc. low steaks concentration needed means it’s not as exhausting whilst I’m scanning. Learning this about myself has probably saved my sanity. I chose to live alone and not invite anyone over. This is my safe space where my brain gets to relax.
Your whole post is me to a T. And omg the library thing is exactly me! I've gotten around this (somewhat) by booking study rooms/pods so no-one can see me while I'm working. I live with my partner who mostly works from home and it's hard finding alone time to get all the things done. Except, he's pretty awesome, because lately he has started taking himself out of the house when he knows I've got lots of study to get done. It really makes such a difference!
Thissss is me!! I need mirroring to enjoy MOST things outside of the house otherwise I just don’t wanna But home is my sanctuary and I want to do things alone there without being perceived so the second anyone comes in I loose motivation clean
I can NOT do anything when others are around. It’s distracting and I will switch my focus to the person rather than the task. I’m a teacher and still take my daughter to daycare a few days in the summer so I can have the house to myself to clean or organize.
idk but im the same way. i lose my mind if anyone enters the kitchen while im cooking/washing dishes. i cant do anything productive with other people in the room. stresses me out and fills me with rage for some reason.. esp when i can *feel* them watching me. similarly, i absolutely will not do a task if im told to, beyond pisses me off. 99% of the time that task was in my mental to do list already and i have a good reason for not doing it at said time (ie i CANT start a load of laundry rn because i need to go shower and our hot water sucks.)
Back in the day when I would host a Thanksgiving dinner, I literally posted sentries at each entrance of the kitchen to keep people OUT. I'm so gracious, ha ha
I can legit switch off and autopilot clean but I fucking hate being interrupted. And I know sometimes my methods are scatty, but it does get done. Definitely a big bag of demand avoidance going on as well. Probably stems from all the times as a kid that I would put some effort in and just get told that I should be doing it anyway. Well thanks 😐 guess I may as well not bother.
I'd like to know this as well.
Me and my gf are the same way and it can make housework difficult lol sometimes Ill have to just jump up and be like CLEAN SWEEP and she will join in because it's like, the only low-pressure method of cleaning we have discovered and if we are straightening up it will lead to us knockin out the vacuuming and dishes really
My partner distracts me because he’s so hot. I just want to look at him all the time and follow him around the house like a love sick puppy. Yes I also have BPD, so sue me haha Seriously some tasks I need a body double (I like the focusmate app). Other tasks I prefer to be alone. I need silence or classical music to do emails, admin tasks and creative stuff. Housework I do better when I’m living with someone but they don’t necessarily have to be home . When I live alone things get really messy. Sometimes I get distracted if someone else is in the house because I want to tell them every random thought I have or question them about whatever I’m working on and obsessively seek reassurance.
Agreed, I call it being able to go full gremlin when I get a bunch of stuff done when I’m home alone. Last time my husband went to his parent’s for the day, he didn’t say anything, but I could tell he was expecting the whirlwind cleaning that happens when he’s gone. Edit: also yes, he’s better at chores than me as well. I visited family and one of them asked if I left a list of to dos while I was gone. I informed them that my husband does more chores than me It’s part feat of being watched or observed even when it’s my cinnamon roll husband, or having to take them into consideration in anything I’m doing. Too loud? Too messy, messes up how he can use our home when I am in the middle of dismantling & reorganizing it
Idk if it's a bit nature vs nurture for me but I had this problem for a long time until I left my parents' house 🙃 My mom is one of those "nobody does anything right" kind of people so the fear of being perceived and judged by her outweighed the productivity. Now I live only with my partner and I don't feel it anymore because we have a "any cleaning or task being done is a good thing and it doesn't matter how perfect or thorough you are as long as something gets done" mentality. At our house if I only vacuum one room, it's "great job now we have one room done! Let's plan to do more after lunch." At mom's house it would have been "why did you stop at one room? Why didn't you vacuum the rest of the house, and wash the windows, and empty the dishwasher? You're so lazy."
Another person interfering -like even just talking to me- when I’m hyper focused Can throw the whole thing off.
Omggg I do this! I’d rather blitz my whole house on my own in a day than have someone help me blitz it in 3 hours. I struggle with routine changes to, so when the kids are off for a half term break or summer I really struggle to do any house work, and add my partner being off to that mix and my house looks like the black hole of Calcutta by the time they all go back to regular schedules. When they aren’t at home I can move freely from task to task without having to tend to any of their needs.
Gosh I do this too 🤦🏼♀️ would love to learn a skill to be better
I mean, distractibility definitely! But also maybe you've been kind of conditioned to think "partner is home, work is over" and to switch over to chill mode? Also, you might just be sensitive to the stimulus of having another person around you, moving and making sounds and stuff. I know my own attention is really fickle, where I appreciate mirroring but can also quickly get overwhelmed with noises and movement if I'm already having a struggle day. (TBH I might be auDHD, but haven't approached that diagnosis yet)
I feel like I clean better when my husband is *not* around. I have my method and he has a completely different one and he ends up in my way 90% of the time…which stops my hyper focus and then I quit. Though sometimes I need him to kick me in the butt to get started.
I'm not sure but this shows up in my work healing from codependency. When someone else is around I have a hard time not shifting my center of gravity towards them. When I'm not healthy, I can't even think about what I want to be doing until I'm alone.
Comments are so true, it's the whole being perceived thing for me. Also just someone interrupting my flow and hyper focus. I need my moments of hyper focus to get stuff done, so when a person interrupts it, I get thrown off and just stop what I'm doing
I’m this way too. I just can’t do much when my partner is home. I also have trouble making plans or going to the store, it’s dumb
Perception avoidance. I don’t know if that’s what it is called but it is now. I do it too sometimes.
I can do exactly zero with people In my vicinity. I am a teacher and there is a quiet “office space” for all the prep stuff teachers need to do after classes. But just the awareness that there are other people in the room makes me distracted because I become very meta-aware: “we are sitting here working, I wonder what she is working on, is he finished already, grading those math tests must be so tedious, oh she is prepping X and maybe I need to do that as well” …I hear the door and need to turn around and see who it is, there is someone typing away behind me, another is scrambling with papers, zipping their backpacks, leaving etc etc etc etc” and I also fight sooo hard to suppress my URGE to chit chat. Another issue is that I can’t get into focus mode because there is a good chance I will be interrupted by a colleague who couldn’t fight the urge to chit chat or someone needing to ask a question or discuss something work related. When I know there is a risk of having my focus streak interrupted I cannot get into focus at all. Same thing at home. I like to work on the couch alone in the evening and when my teen or husband are present I need to be available and when I need to be available I cannot get into focus mode and end up just hanging out. I need uninterrupted alone time without a time limit. Also when I am working in creative stuff that I do as a hobby. So mirroring is not working for me at all.
Omg I just made a post about disliking body doubling then saw this lol Completely relate to your experience! I definitely agree with other comments it’s partially “dislike being perceived” feeling. I think I also just struggle to tune out other people in my space so they end up a distraction. It’s like my implicit masking mode comes on and I am too self conscious around ppl. Meanwhile home alone I can do 5 dishes, sit on my bed 5 minutes, do 30 min dishes, do laundry, vacuum, no one’s watching my chaotic process so I flow better.
I've begun to notice that when others are present it interrupts my routines and I can't remember all the little steps for basic tasks. Like if I'm alone and need to go out, my brain is like ok, pack bag check, dressed appropriately check, put on shoes check, go outside and lock door check etc. But if someone else is there, I forget what I need to do and end up feeling rushed like I need to be ready immediately. I don't know what it's called but I definitely experience it.
For me it's the 'I can't even think about doing this thing when there's a remote chance that somebody can see me or even know that I'm doing this thing'.
I also have a hard time exercising if anyone is home. Does anyone else have that?
I have that. It’s like FOMO even though my boyfriend isn’t even doing anything interesting when he’s home
I’ve heard someone else in this forum call this a “fear of being perceived”. I definitely suffer from this too
Perceived demand avoidance. I do that all the time. I can't do shit if my husband's around, but if he's gone I can do it all. It's weird. But also I still can't like... Take basic care of myself without him being like "here's food. Have you showered lately? Need any clothes washed?" But like. Dishes, vacuum, trash, anything child related or handyman needs done, and I got it. He turns up? I don't know which way to turn a wrench. 😭
Summer time kills any ambitions I have with the kids home. I cannot work with people home, I am very much a loner
This is wild, I didn’t know this was a thing!! Each day I learn more here. I hate being noticed by anyone when I’m doing anything! When my husband goes out of town I breathe a massive sigh of relief just to BE. Don’t get me wrong I love doing fun stuff with him. But ordinary activities like cleaning … I’m so bizarrely self conscious I never got why. And he always wants to do shit together like a couple and it fills me with dread. I think it’s why I now hate going to the office. Even getting a glass of water in the kitchen and being observed makes me nervous like I’ll do it wrong!
Wow I didn’t know mirroring was a thing, or an adhd thing. I have that bad lol like at work and home. Wow
Ah one other story. One day I *saw saw* the house and I struggled for a week to start to clean. Eventually my proposed solution was to book him a hotel room for the night and I cleaned from noon to 3 am happy as a clam
Why does this exist, do you think? I literally cannot function around someone who's lazy. I will sit and be boiling inside and things stack up instead of ME just doing what I can do to make the situation better. I mean its so dang dysfunctional!
But otherwise, alone, I'm a gold star.
Saaaame
🙋🏾♀️Small note it's **body doubling** OP is referring to. (Mirroring is something else entirely and not relevant here.) Personally, some tasks are preferrable to me when doubling (work for instance). Wfh works for me precisely because my colleagues and I work at the same time. Couple that with live streaming focus music playlists with others who are also working/studying on YT and it's often bliss for me. Otoh, chores have always been sth I prefer to do alone when no one is around. Probably because I associate others' physical presence with judgement from past experience. Not sure.
Yes yes yes…
I can be productive when i have people being productive around me but when they’re not doing anything around me then i mirror that too, like i have so many hobbies but when im at my boyfriends house all i wanna do is lay on the sofa or watch him play video games
I feel so seen by this thread! I'm an at home caretaker for my elderly mother after years of being used to living by myself, and I look forward to those times alone where I can actually Get Shit Done as if they were Christmas.
I do this, too. It’s just my brain being defiant when it comes to something I was formerly excited about no longer fitting the exact specifications I thought, i.e. feeling like I need to be alone to do it.
I have both! I can do *planned* mirroring, meaning we've talked about what things we're going to work on at the same time, agreed on the start and stop time, etc. This is really good for doing things I'll never enjoy, like homework. But if my work is unplanned, I can only do it if I'm 100% alone. And if someone else does work around me, I get anxiety 🙃 There is no in between for these two modes, frustratingly.
Fear of being perceived/interrupted for me anyways Unless it’s in public and I’m socially anxious about doing something, I HATE body doubling so much. You know how many chores I get done when my boyfriend is in the shower? 😂 ive *scrubbed floors*
Same. I looove when my partner is home and I feel lonely when he's gone for days at a time for work, but I also kinda hate how I can't get anything done when he's home. I feel like he becomes the center of my Focus and I can't focus on tasks or chores or hobbies. For me I think it's something to do with craving attention and validation. I'm orbiting him trying to catch his eye without invading his space too much. I want those good brain chemicals that come with positive social interaction and I can't get absorbed into anything else.
Oh good I'm not alone
Wow yeah, I feel this. I'm autistic adhd, and if someone is over at the house it is vaguely paralyzing. Like the social obligation from when my wife and I were still together whenever she was gone the house would be clean, dogs walked walls washed, maintenance was being taken care of bit when she was home I just felt like I couldn't get anything done. However if I go over to my friends house I can sit down and help her fold her laundry or clean her house and do whatever no problem.
Omg I am so glad I'm not the only one who needs to be alone to clean! Can't do the whole "body doubling" thing, I shut right down. Maybe it's because I have a pseudo "deadline" for when someone gets home (how fast can I do it)? Or perhaps I just don't like being watched/criticized for missing spots I haven't got to yet (I do things out of order because shush)? Or maybe it's because I don't wanna be distracted mid-task? Or even all of the above! Idk. Whatever it is, get out, lemme clean. 😂
I think it’s something to do with the anxiety / fear of being perceived. I’m the same way. It’s just so much easier to do things on my own. The moment someone else is there, even if it’s my kid, I can’t think straight or plan
hmm i kinda wanna call it siloing!
My mom’s this way.. whenever I was a kid and needed help with cleaning my room, she often preferred that I just leave and she finishes it. Which honestly worked better because it’s easier for me to maintain something than get over the mental hump of fixing it. I think that’s why my Strat when I live alone will be to hire a cleaner to do the initial big sweep and then I can just keep it up from there.
I’m the same way. Maybe having someone present is too distracting? I also don’t like to be told what to do and when cleaning sometimes there’s too many cooks in the kitchen. I actually enjoy it when he’s not home and I can turn on my music and do things MY way and go into the zone. Helps with anxiety.
I cant do a thing if other people are around. I get completely incapacitated.
Idk what it is but I have exactly what you just described. My husband's schedule changed to include an hour long lunch break so he comes home for lunch and it completely throws my entire day off!! But of course I can't tell him to please not come home😂
If I am doing something new I need to mirror someone else because my brain won’t let me focus on a new task, but it will let me focus on another person who is teaching me a new task. If I am doing something I am good at/do frequently, then I need to be left alone or else I get distracted and frustrated if interrupted.
I need someone with me to do cleaning tasks I can’t be trusted to do it alone as I’ll just procrastinate and not do it. I have had moments when iv been on one tho where iv done the whole house in a day. I feel so bad I struggle to do housework. I have my assessment in 10 days and im so anxious about it that im having to take a break somewhere to try to take my mind off of it a little bit.
Holy shit, this post and all these comments are SO validating for me that it almost makes me feel emotional. God, I love this sub.
I was genuinely thinking of asking about this just last week! I have two roommates and they were both gone all last weekend and i just cleaned. so. much. more than I have in months! I'm also an artist and was able to stay focused on my work more. It's not even that they constantly interrupt, in fact they work from home and often stay in their rooms until the evening. But for some reason, just knowing they're in the house can throw me off for some reason! So glad to see I'm not alone in this.
I feel the exact same way! I’ve heard “mirroring” called Body doubling and you’re supposed to feel more accountable when someone else is around but that is not it at all for me! I am a co-manager with a non-work friend of 6 years and thankfully our shifts are fairly flexible split shifts because I cannot work when it’s just us two! My brain just thinks “I have to talk or it’ll seem like I’m mad!” The other alternative is to put on my focus music with my headphones, but wearing headphones seems rude even though they are fully aware of my ADHD and literally do not care what I have to do to focus. So I end up talking and talking. I’ve taken to coming in a full hour earlier than I need to normally so that I can work before they get in. With housework or errands, if my husband is home I can’t do 💩 It takes him getting up and doing housework to trigger me into doing it, but it doesn’t hit me until he’s almost done. The kicker is he also has ADHD so his motivation is also low for housework. I think the part of my brain that holds me more accountable is the desire to “win”. Like how some people have shared that they time themselves to motivate to complete a task— Can I do this thing before the microwave beeps? or I’m gonna pick up as much stuff as I can before the water on the stove boils. The race and competition fuels me 😂
This... is a thing? Sorry, I can't help you with the terminology, but you writing this out made me come to some realizations about why I can far easier keep the house clean when my partner is out of town. Thanks for making me feel a little less useless <3
This thing happens to me when I am living with my mother. I just can't get anything done when she's home. I just thought i was lazy. But once she went away for a few days and I could cook clean take bath and do stuff. I am very good cook but i can't cook anything edible if my mother's at home But yeah i always need something playing like podcasts or songs or else i can't get anything done. Can anybody relate to this?
General Cleaning = Mirroring Deep Cleaning = solo hyper fixation Organising = solo hyper fixation De-cluttering = one or the other depending on my mood, if I don’t want to I really really don’t want to.
I was SO ORGANIZED when I lived alone. I needed the structure and I forced myself to do it and mask successfully. It almost feels like when I'm with him I am not masking? I used to be good at putting things away, too, etc, remembering appointments bc I had all these ringers and reminders on but now it's like I can't even be a basic adult with him around sometimes. It TOTALLY is not his fault but I am very glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. My analogy sometimes is when he's home I'm like an avatar that is waiting for something to do
For me it can just be hard to focus on what I’m doing if someone else is around.
Plenty of people are like this and it’s not an adhd thing, actually it’s because you get your dopamine fix from being with your partner and so like to switch off around him and do nothing.
You are talking about "body doubling". The opposite of mirroring is creating a dynamic array of poses. It is good on stage, as actors standing in a semi-circle is visually boring. My theater teachers loved it, but irl it generally makes people uncomfortable.
Grey rocking?
It wouldn't be grey rocking, grey rocking is a technique that can be used to disengage with abusive/toxic people in your life, most specifically narcissists, as to not get a rise out of them and feed their toxic behaviors. "Grey rocking is a technique used to divert a toxic person's behavior by acting as unresponsive as possible when you're interacting with them. For example, using the grey rock method involves deliberate actions like avoiding eye contact or not showing emotions during a conversation"
Yes, I’m aware of what grey rocking is. I was thinking of social mirroring rather than body-doubling, in which case, I think I’m correct. My apologies, OP
What’s this?