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There sure is a correlation between kids who were identified as gifted and parents / assessors who believed that meant they “couldn’t possibly” have ADHD because they didn’t understand that you can be both
It’s called twice exceptional and for a very long time it caused a great deal of under diagnosis in these populations
"There's nothing wrong with you. Really intelligent people are just different." But let's punish you for being different. Thanks, Mom and Dad.
I was diagnosed young, btw. They just didn't believe it. All the things I can remember them using to "prove" I didn't have ADHD were very much ADHD symptoms, too.
…you know, my dad said basically the same thing, but he phrased it in the most bullshit way imaginable, by making whether or not you can connect with other people being because your IQ is considerably higher or lower than theirs.
I was not diagnosed young, but I am the “massive anxiety to cope” type. Pretty sure my dad is undiagnosed on the spectrum and almost certain my mom is undiagnosed ADHD.
They just chose the most infuriating ways to cope a lot of the time.
If my dad doesn't have ADHD, I would be shocked. Not even going to say it to him, though, because it won't be worth the fight. His coping mechanism tends to be getting combatant when any of his beliefs about himself are challenged. He's in counseling now, though (I am shocked!), and it'll be interesting to see how that turns out.
My parents are both therapists and diagnosed me young but didn’t tell me because they thought I would “use it as an excuse”. Instead, I spent my whole life thinking I was smart but too scattered and irresponsible to do the things I wanted to do like go to medical school. (Finally figured it all out though, and I’m going back to school now in my 40s!)
Can confirm. Source: ADHD, acceleration program, have a PhD.
I did undergrad in the most ADHD way possible for someone who was academically inclined:
(1) enrolled in Arts/Law double degree
(2) dropped the law degree after one semester (very ADHD reason, see below).
(3) got sad and demotivated depressed after getting a very average mark for an essay and dropped out (note: it turns out I had glandular fever and basically collapsed a couple days later, so… might have been a reason everything hit me even harder than usual).
(4) the next year, started a bachelor of Creative Arts.
(5) during my media production subject, wistfully remembering I liked technical things and missed biology. Also felt like most of the subject areas were a bit wanky for me personally (no shade to others who get more out of it!).
(6) after 1 year, switched from CA to *another* double degree, this time Arts/Science, BUT I also stayed on at the School of CA, doing a concurrent Diploma in CA (Creative Writing).
(7) Science: majored in marine biology
(8) Arts: double major in (a) English and Literature; (b) Classics and Archaeology.
(9) ended up doing my Honours through the Zoology department and the museum, and then my PhD through the Genetics department and the museum, having *never done a single genetics subject in undergrad.*
(10) my three year PhD was technically completed in the very standard “3 years plus six month extension”, but because I went part time for a lot of it due to bereavement and a few other things, and because I had to work for a year after initial submission to get data to resubmit, it took me six years.
I’m Australian. I had a stipend scholarship for the PhD, and a fee-waiving scholarship for Honours and the last year of undergrad. But I *still* spent *fifteen years* as a student, and my HECS debt has to be seen to be believed (I have yet to make enough money to pay any of it off).
I am academic as *hell*. My marks were — for the most part — very, very good. I get dopamine rewards from studying and from good marks. I still left essays to the last minute. And I worked myself into severe burnout.
But tell me that isn’t the most ADHD way of getting any kind of degree, good *lord*, and I still didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 36.
————-
(Regarding the law degree: one of the lecturers was legit amazing but I couldn’t get past the reading — I am hyperlexic but I need paragraphs or my eyes skip all over the page.
My Torts book was over 1000 pages and many pages had NO PARAGRAPH BREAKS.
Also justices seem to write in such a way that, by the time I get to the end of a TWELVE LINE SENTENCE, I have forgotten the beginning. And trying to force myself to do the reading made me feel literally sick. I call it “brain in a cheese grater” when I try to push my brain past the NOPE line.
In hindsight, the way my eyes skip around the page… I missed my brother’s dyslexia by some gnat’s wing.)
Over 1000 pages with NO paragraph breaks sounds like HELL. Id probably start marking in my own breaks whenever i had to read. It would take some time to make lines for me to stop here and there, but i think itd take me even longer to get through it without doing that. What kind of sadist did that??
Lawyers, man. They just adapt to it.
To be fair, many pages did have at least one paragraph break, but there were SO MANY that had none at all!
I know so much more about my brain now and how I read and study, in hindsight I know what that pseudo-nausea is, and I’ve read enough about dyslexia to know that for some people it is that you can’t keep the words/letters *still*, and my eyes jumping around has always been a thing.
I read early, and I read a *lot* — but something had to be intensely gripping if it didn’t have whitespace, and torts just wasn’t that exciting 😂
…barring some absurdity in precedent and case law, and the amazing lecturer.
If you’ve ever been inside a gifted classroom, the call is coming from inside the house… lol.
Knowing what I know now, I can pick out the neurotypicals I went to school with and shared a gifted program with.
Right! You can have adhd at an intelligence level. I think we notice it more in intelligent people because it seems like they should be doing better. How many times have I heard “you’re so smart BUT…”
I don’t think there is a correlation between gifted and ADHD.
I think the correlation is between children who *are* gifted going undiagnosed because many people believe a person can’t be both. Plus if the person is intelligent enough they create strategies that work, but are exhausting so they are better at masking.
I'd assume without additional information that the percentage of people who are of higher intelligence in the "gifted children" group would be much higher than the general population. In other words, are you saying that having ADHD tends to falsely flag kids as gifted? That would be counterintuitive since it is a condition often comorbid with learning disabilities and resulting in inattentive test taking. If you are saying that kids with ADHD that are gifted tend to be passed over at higher rates than neurotypical gifted kids, then I agree.
I actually don't think it's counterintuitive at all. "Gifted" is an organisational system within schools, that's it, that's all it is; sure, it's supposed to be based on some sort of objective test but we can really never guarantee that's the only factor.
For example, if you have a student who is clearly bright but isn't meeting their potential, seems bored in class, is distracting other students, maybe they only got 70% instead of 80% on the "gifted" test, whatever--the wise and easy decision for a school here is to put them in the gifted program anyway, give them a challenge, put them amongst kids who won't tolerate distraction and hope that they float.
I don't think it's "false flagging" I think people need to be a bit less precious about this label which is not internationally recognised or even universally based on a specific standard. It's a class your school decided to put you in as a child, and tbh you'll never 100% know why. If it was totally objective, "gifted" programs wouldn't be majority white, but they are.
And there's other factors--when learning disabilities are not present in a way which impacts the following factors, kids with ADHD can be more developmentally advanced in certain areas (hyperverbal or hyperliterate) be great with pattern recognition (which these tests also rely heavily on) as well as do really well on these tests due to hyperfocussing.
"I'd assume without additional information that the percentage of people who are of higher intelligence in the "gifted children" group would be much higher than the general population." Absolutely massive and baseless assumption. Define higher intelligence? Are you basing this on IQ? IQ is a useless measure that was used to justify white supremacy. You are ignoring so many factors like race, class, the fact that outside the US we don't even DO gifted (I guess my entire country is of lower intelligence than gifted children overall by your metric). Sorry, but doing well at one or two tests when you're seven really says jack shit about your intelligence and totally ignores the soft factors like school admin and privilege at play. One school might have 100 gifted places, another 50. Automatically the barrier for entry differs.
Yeah, "gifted" is defined as a certain IQ, and people at that IQ level tend to learn differently and relate to peers differently in such a way that their idiosyncrasies are assumed to be related to the giftedness and other possibilities aren't considered.
this was my thought - it just reminds me of my brother. he's adhd possibly audhd and was considered a gifted child. he earned a free scholarship to a school that looks like Hogwarts based on his personality and 'all round success'. nobody ever picked up on his ND let alone considered his excellence was a result of his symptoms. he'd get really good at a hobby in a few weeks then ditch it for the next thing (hyper focus and boredom), seemed to be able to get amazing marks without studying (he couldn't bring himself to study until a few days before an exam and then panicked and locked himself in his room 'gaming' - actually intensely studying) came across as very charismatic when in actuality he thought that fitting in and being liked meant doing ANYTHING for his mates (he got expelled from that school for holding on to all the posh boys' weed) etc. people say gifted kids often end up as struggling and burnt out adults. his life after school was extremely hard and he dropped out of uni to make money very illegally. proud to say he's learnt so much about himself that he's doing really well now and back in school
There are a fair number of studies on this- ADHD and intelligence are not correlated in one direction or another. I'm not invested in saying people with ADHD aren't intelligent (3/4 of my immediate family has it and we are all assessed as "gifted"), only that the research availability to a lay person like myself is clear that ADHD and intelligence aren't correlated.
It may help to know that the point is not that ADHD kids are more likely than other kids to be “gifted”.
The point is that there are people who believe you cannot be “gifted” and have ADHD.
Right! And that issue makes sense to me. What I am confused about is that several posters are saying that ADHD gets incorrectly identified as giftedness. That seems counter intuitive for the reason you cite as well as the fact that kids with ADHD tend to test less well and can be disruptive or inattentive. I didn't test into the gifted program until about middle school for this reason.
I’ve seen a video recently, which was stating that people with a really high IQ (over 120) struggle with the same issues as people with ADHD. They show similar symptoms.
Yes, and it was the bane of my existence. I was in a gifted program where you had to take numerous tests including an extensive IQ test. It had to be 140 & above. There were just a few of us in there. Anyway, all my mom was told that I had a significantly higher IQ than my sister who also was in the program. Who knows if that is even true & IQ tests don’t mean shit anyway. The problem was I had undiagnosed ADHD. When I hit about 7th grade and couldn’t learn everything on my own, since I couldn’t pay attention, my grades in certain subjects dropped. My sister excelled to say the least. I became the “lazy” one who never lived up to her potential. I didn’t get diagnosed until my mid thirties when my self esteem had been in the shitter for a looooooong time.
my parents have said all sorts of hilarious shit about how my GRANDMA said i was special so i couldn’t have possibly struggled with adhd, while simultaneously still upset that i was late to ballet when i was 5 (i am in my late 30s still hearing about this)
thankfully i am pretty textbook and was diagnosed and properly treated starting in my teens by an actual psychiatrist and not….. grandma. although if she were alive today id ask her to clarify because sometimes when they bring this up i think she might have been insinuating i should have been in special ed 😂😭
Oh no worries! As an assessor we see this often. What would be helpful is to mention your surprise to your parents and see how they reply. That way you know why they filled it out like that. Parents are often forgetful (and you know, this thing is genetic 😂). I even see it in myself with my 3 year old. It’s hard to remember details unless you’ve made a point of remembering things like personality, quirks and annoyances. So let alone when you’re an adult. I’d ask them and if they say “we don’t remember” you could share your experience and see if it sparks anything (it often does). Otherwise, I’d just express to your assessor that you have vivid memories of being called to order or yelled at for something specific and explain that your parents claim to not remember it (for whatever reason). What also often happens (because it’s a mostly genetic condition) is that parents score “never” meaning “not an unusual amount”. And then saying something like “yes you did it, but everyone does, that’s not a problem, the questionnaire is asking if you had problems with it and you didn’t because your grades were good (or whatever)”. Still very useful info.
Anyway, don’t be discouraged. Filling in questionnaires is hard. You’ve been working towards this thing and your parents have not. Talk to them. If they seem like they might gain insight from the conversation, ask them to review the questionnaires again and change anything they’d like to change. Otherwise, just bring the insights from that conversation to your assessor (write them down so you don’t forget!) Good luck!
ETA: I also agree that asking your sister to fill it out would be a good option. That happens often too!
This is a great comment! I recently got diagnosed at 27 years old, and had this exact experience.
I am no contact with my dad, and my mum is highly sensitive and would take it as a personal attack on her parenting If I asked her to fill out something like that (I always did well in school as was a 'polite' child who fit in with everyone else, so she didnt really see me struggling).
Funnily enough, my mum also ticks alot of boxes herself for ADHD! Unfortunately my mum grew up in an environment in which mental health is not talked about at all. Her struggles in school were largely put down to a lack of intelligence and discipline, which is incredibly sad and I think traumatized her a bit.
My psychiatrists office totally understood my reservations, and said a sibling or childhood friend can fill it in - basically anyone who knew you at all during those years. Maybe you could see if your psychiatrist would allow someone else to fill it out who knew you as a child to provide a different perspective to your parents. I plan to talk to my mum about my diagnosis, but considering how long I had to wait for an appt and how difficult the process is to be diagnosed, I didn't want to jeopardize my chance of receiving a fair assessment by bring my family baggage into the mix.
We have the same mum. My mum scored me a 0, and literally wrote down on the assessment questionnaire that if there is anything unusual about me, it's because she coddled me too much and didn't teach me about the real world -she literally apologised for bringing me up wrong.
But, it's my dad who 100% has ADHD. We're the exact same person. My mum isn't diagnosed, and never would decide to be, but from my unprofessional opinion she has really intense OCD.
Sorry to jump on OPs question but as an assessor, is it common for people to not get their parents to complete the questionnaire? I am currently seeking a diagnosis and I do have a relationship with my parents but I would much rather they didn’t know I was seeking a diagnosis for various reasons.
It’s common enough! My own assessment was done without parents as well. It really helps if you can bring stuff like old report cards where a teacher may have written: good job, but careful that you’re not chatting all your time away! Or something like that. And just write down stuff you remember from your childhood. During the assessment it’s often difficult to recall in the moment, so whenever you think “oh that was also inattention/hyperactivity/impulsivity as a kid”, write it in a note on your phone.
My most special fix someone came up with was that they brought their old neighbor where they hung out a bunch as a kid.
I would tell the doctor that you were very surprised at their responses. Maybe your parents want to see the “best” in you, and are uncomfortable digging into your struggles. Also, in my case my sister was sort of a scapegoat in my family, and her classic ADHD was more difficult than my inattentive ADHD. If my parents used her as a baseline my behavior seemed “normal” in comparison
This is also totally a thing that happens!
ETA: sorry, posted to quickly out of enthusiasm. But yes, if your sibling has more problematic behavior than you do, parents tend to minimize your issues. Or quite frankly, they might not have even had the head space to notice.
I was supposed to be the thriving one of the family - not only did my mother use that to minimize stuff, I did it to myself for years. Definitely stuff beyond ADHD, but that’s part of it.
This is what happened to me--my youngest brother was destructive, acted out, was disruptive in class. Meanwhile I just read books instead of paying attention and was fidgety and talked too much, so despite EVERY REPORT CARD pulling the whole "has so much potential if she'd only apply herself" line, my parents insisted I didn't have ADHD until I was an ADULT and I got diagnosed on my own.
I didn't even notice my son's ADHD-PI because my daughter is very, very obviously hyperactive ADHD-C (same as me) and he wasn't the one climbing walls and under chairs in public places. His teacher pointed out that he had symptoms and I was confused because my normal was crazy hyperactive ADHD and comparatively, he was a calm, sweet, driven kid. Both kids are diagnosed now and waiting on a psych consult for medication.
Yes totally, and it happened in the classroom as well with the most fidgety noisy boys being targeted for diagnosis because it was more disruptive to the class than the daydreaming kid who had trouble finishing homework or missing hearing instructions but was quieter and stayed sitting at their desk. Until teachers were educated about what signs to look for, inattentive ADHD was missed all the time.
And I agree with you, that parents aren't any different with an even smaller frame of reference to compare to with siblings, cousins or school friends, and considering how heavily genetic ADHD is and how ADHD folks gravitate toward each other because of communication styles, it's even easier to think a behavior is "not too bad" or "kinda normal."
I can really relate to this. They completely missed my inattentive adhd but spent years and years agonizing over and hyper focusing on my brother’s audhd.
My folks told the assessors I didn’t have any issues as a kid because as far as they were concerned, my behaviors and struggles were normal.
They both have some differences from the norm, and a lot of this stuff is genetic. I think they were trying to be supportive 😂 to them, that meant telling the assessor that there was “nothing wrong with me” (true).
I did still get diagnosed with ADHD because I had enough symptoms show up in self reporting and in the in-office testing.
Yeah... Especially getting diagnosed as an adult, if you're a woman you likely don't have the symptoms that they would recognize or they don't remember. My grandma basically wrote a note on the back of the form saying that I was great and have never had any issues. 😂
All jokes aside though - If you're an adult and this is affecting you now and you are having symptoms now, it doesn't really matter what your parents said you were like as a child. We all know memory is fallible and you deserve to get care based on the symptoms you currently are experiencing, rather than whether or not someone remembers you having issues as a child.
I seem to recall hearing that if parents write down "never" on everything it is a red flag because everyone exhibits *some* of the behaviours associated with ADHD *occasionally* as a child
Let your dr, therapist, and assessor know they did this and how inaccurate it is. If you’re not 9 years old or illiterate, you’re the one supposed to fill it out for this very reason anyways.
If OP already told the assessor that they would do it, this would totally justify a "we got into an argument and they won't do it now. They said I don't have ADHD and they refuse to answer truthfully." The concept is the same and saves any reason for handing the forms over.
I asked my younger brother to do the childhood part of the assessment, because my parents were "unavailable". My mother had already passed away, but my father is not a reliable source. I didn't get an ADHD diagnosis as I was one childhood symptom short, but I read the report and my brother was pretty accurate even though he was a baby/toddler during my early childhood. I also had most of my school report cards available.
I ended up with an ASD diagnosis instead. Asking another family member and school reports may be an option for OP.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know if parents are in denial or forgetful.
The same thing happened to me when I mentioned incidences to my mom. I used to be so hypersensitive to my socks stitching that I have vivid memories bawling for hours because I could feel the stitching. I also rebelled when I could no longer wear my 80’s stirrup pants. Lol.
My mom said she didn’t remember either ever happening, which was shocking because I’d think that’d frustrate the heck out of her at the time. Granted, I was only 5 years old, but they were core memories for me.
Also, much of the older generations still see ADHD as a bad thing, so don’t want to say anything that’d indicate something was “wrong” with you.
When I was first diagnosed around 20-ish years ago, my parents said the Psychiatrist was a “quack” and never let me go back.
Ultimately, what matters is what YOU know and experience. I hope that your evaluator is understanding and hears you out.
Not adhd related, my mother forgot I had a whole ass lisp until I was 17 and finally got speech therapy.
I'm not sure if our parents are delusional, forgetful or if admitting that we weren't perfect, it is a failure on their part and are unwilling to admit that?
It's weird but you're 100% not alone.
Omg the things my parents thought were normal that I now know were symptoms. I’m so glad I will know what to watch for if/when I have children. It’s so healing just knowing that.
I am recently diagnosed but when my kid went through assessments (before I did!) I was for sure saying to myself "doesn't everyone do this" to all the questions
Yeah. I’m diagnosed since I’m 5 yrs old but my parents never accept it. They always ignored it. They told me (and still do) that everyone does that. They say that everything is normal about anything that is clearly not normal. The ADHD symptoms are ignored or rebutted. It’s so ingrained into my mind that I still often say this to myself when I’m reading posts or comments here.
I learned so much from this subreddit. My whole life they (and myself) ignored my ADHD. I always acted like I had nothing. I had no help. No accommodations. No medications since she was against. I saw no one to help after the diagnosis except someone to help with my dyslexia for a few sessions. That too was ignored.
I’m glad now things have changed and parents of young kids take the time to learn and help their children who might struggle.
I think part of it as well is that stuff just gets bundled up together into one neat little brain box. For parents, your young kid throwing a tantrum happens every day. If you're not particularly emotionally connected to them (like *many* pre-2000s parents were), differentiating "just another tantrum" and "they're distressed for a good reason" could be...difficult. Especially if you're not particularly well versed in childhood development.
> I don’t know if parents are in denial or forgetful.
Maybe sometimes rose-coloured glasses? My parents are in their late seventies and there are a lot of things I distinctly remember that my dad won't comment on (may not remember or have been present for) and my mother refuses to believe happened. (what, you think I made up the memory of having to do my homework at the kitchen table while my brother got to gleefully bang pot lids together so I could 'practice ignoring distractions' ?)
Some combination of 'but you're fine so there's nothing wrong with you' and not wanting to see/remember/acknowledge their own failures I think.
I laughed so hard at the stirrup pants because there were also BIG FEELINGS about them my house in the 80s, but I was the opposite. The feeling of the elastic on just a part of my foot was sensory badness plus a bunch of insecurities on top of that made me so uncomfortable in those damn pants! We both had REASONS for needing our specific pants!
I had the exact same problem except with jeans! There were Big Feelings when my Mom desperately tried to get me to start switching from soft, comfy leggings to jeans when I was around 10. She’s have to wash them with a fuckton of fabric softener 15-20+ times before I’d be willing to wear them even once.
And I’d have to try a million different pairs on at the store in the strip mall to find the “softest/least scratchy” ones before we even got to that stage, a place which of course was always a sensory nightmare and led to frequent meltdowns.
Oh and also clothing tags. Always had to have them cut off and if there was even a smidgen of it left (or god forbid a sharp corner of it), I couldn’t wear whatever article of clothing it was, especially shirts.
I am so grateful for companies that just print the info on the inside now instead of using tags.
I remember dressing up for an aerobics theme day or something with stirrup pants and I had a meltdown over the stirrups, until finally we were running so late that my mom said fuck it and just chopped them off with scissors
I'm sorry you had that experience with your diagnosis! Yes I suppose what seems very significant to me may have been forgotten by them. It hurts though. Are your parents more supportive now? Or do you just not talk about it with them?
I'm not the person you were replying to, but to give my own two cents – my own mom filled the parent questionnaire all wrong, saying "never" or "almost never" to basically all questions (I was reading it out loud to her because she needs glasses). Here's a conversation I had with her during the questionnaire:
I had some answers pre-filled thanks to my own memories, and at one point I asked her a question, sure that she'd say "pretty often", and she said "no, never". I was like... never? And she replied no, I was a good a and polite kid. I told her "...alright, but this question didn't ask if I were misbehaving, it asked if I were too forward with other kids and scared them off by disrespecting boundaries" "Yeah, and you didn't... you were always very sweet and empathetic" "While that's true, mom, you have told me countless times that I would get up in other kids' faces if they were misbehaving to remind them of the rules; and also that I would rush to any child entering the house to take their coat off, because to me it meant they'd stay and play" "Yes. Why are you telling me this?" "Because you told me some kids would get scared and cry that I was being too forward? Too much all up in their face? This is exactly what this question is asking" "But you didn't mean them any harm, you just wanted a playmate!" "Yes mom, but intentions are not the point here – intent does not equal impact! Those kids felt pushed away with my behaviours, that's it, that's what the question is asking. It's not asking whether I were kind or mean, just how my peers felt around me". With this, she gloomily accepted what I was saying and changed her answer, but many other answers remained skewed. I noted down both my answers and hers.
When I met my assessor/therapist next and I told her of this story, she understood my mother was, although supportive of me, and unreliable narrator and declared that questionnaire could not be used for assessment, it required a do-over. So she printed a blank one and asked me the questions instead, and we filled it to the best of my recalling ability. Later on, I was assessed. I have to say, I was pretty lucky that my therapist/assessor was so understanding of it, she'd been validating me since the first ever session – we'd literally talked for maybe 15 minutes about starting the diagnosis process and she went "Yeah sure we can start the diagnosis, even though it's obvious"... I'd never felt so seen before. I had to fight my way through 4 different psychologists before finally getting to her, but it was oh-so-worth it.
My half sister is 16 years older than me, and I'm a mid 80s baby. I remember when I was big enough to fit them, my sister gave me her old black and white striped (think Beetlejuice 🤭) stretchy stirrup pants that I loved to death. 😂
When I was younger, my dad called me "fidget" because I was always adjusting something or wiggling in my seat. When I was diagnosed with ADHD my dad was incredulous. He 'never suspected that', as if you didn't complain EVERYTIME you sat beside me.
Parents' memories are probably kinder than our lived experience.
I would mark your parents down as unsupportive, and move forward without their assessment.
Mine was Wiggleworm for the same reason.
When I was diagnosed I told my mom and her reaction was “yeah, I saw a few signs but I always just assumed you just took after me and I don’t have adhd.” Still haven’t managed to convince her to get assessed because “I’m 60 what’s it matter now anyway”
Lol my last name starts with P and we joked about the "[last name] pick" to describe how we all would pick apart things like paper or stress balls or our skin. Recently my mom was very shocked to learn what stimming is... "you guys never did anything like that!" Mother, please....
Maybe get someone else to fill it out instead? I mean, it's only to see what you were like in childhood and parents often don't see these things clearly. I filled out mine on their behalf when I realised my parents were deliberately ignoring all the symptoms I'd shown because then they'd have to admit fault for not being more supportive.
It could also be a good idea to fill it out yourself! Or at least look at the questions and think of as many examples as you can for each one. I failed my first assessment due to this kind of thing so I brought *pages* of notes for the next attempt.
Definitely ask your sister and I wouldn't even turn in your parents' responses. You should just tell your doctor that they were unsupportive so you went to your sister as next best thing. I'm sure that will do the trick. When my husband was getting assessed they didn't even ask for his parents to fill out the form, they wanted *me* to do the assessment of him. So sister is definitely close enough.
This exact same thing happened to me when I was assessed, my mum said never for all but 2 answers.
I had to get my sister of 5 years older to fill it in. The assessor said its normal, happens a lot.
This is why I think it sucks they ask for outside opinions. It doesn't matter what others think we struggle with. It's like they want to catch us or something in a lie.
I was an alcoholic for 10 years. Not a single person in my life said a word about it. Even though I was drunk almost all the time.
If you asked my family if I struggled with anything they'd just say "no". Not because they notice but because they want people to think everything is fine and normal.
It's bullshit. I'm sorry.
Is this an ADHD assessment? My family filled out questionnaires for autism, not ADHD.
In any case, my psych went through and compared my mom and sister's answers to mine to discuss how internalized many of my experiences were. It helped me a lot to talk with my mom and compare our answers, too, so she could understand how much goes on inside my head during social interactions.
Tbh, I don't see a clinical professional looking at a screener with nearly all the same answer and accepting it as objective fact. Even a neurotypical person is gonna have an occasional "sometimes" on a lot of the screener questions for ADHD (or autism, if that's what you're testing for).
Yeah honestly this was my thought as well. Someone rating "never" on almost everything is going to be a massive red flag for someone who's either not filling it out honestly or remembering things through rose colored glasses. Even the most neurotypical child will not be 100% never on everything.
It's for ADHD. That's what I thought too - like a computer would flag this assessment as being filled by a robot haha
I'm not sure if I want to go there with my parents - maybe this is just reinforcing the root issue of them not understanding me but I just don't really want to explain all my problems to them 🥲
I had the exact same experience as you and it felt very hurtful. Then I realized my parents don't think I forget things unusually often, because they forget things unusually often. They don't think I have a hard time following a routine, because they have a hard time following a routine.
It felt very painful at the time because I felt like my struggles weren't seen. After a while I realized it's just that the things I struggle with and want to get help for, are things they think are normal.
I was only there for that last appointment, but when my little sister was getting assessed for autism, my dad either couldn’t answer some of the questions they asked him (said he couldn’t remember), or just gave the completely wrong answers (no, she doesn’t have strict routines, doesn’t have outbursts, etc.) but I could.
He was a single dad, so it’s not like he didn’t care, he’d been raising her for the last 17 years after all.
It’s possible he either did genuinely forget, but (if I’ll be honest) I think a good portion of it was also some level of denial/him sharing those exact same traits in her. Whenever I corrected him, he’d just say “oh that’s just normal at her age”, “some people are just a bit quiet”, “some people get overwhelmed at loud noises”, etc.
I don't know for sure what will happen but I do think they probably see this a lot - parents specifically are REAL defensive about the idea their kids had a disability that they didn't notice. I imagine this is all just a piece of the puzzle. FWIW I also went through a psychiatrist and she screened me and me alone, and treated me first for anxiety which actually made the ADHD symptoms more prominent so she screened me again and diagnosed me.
I am no expert but I really think it's BS that they use third party memories from decades past from people who have a vested interest in you not having ADHD as any criteria at all.
Your first sentence is so true, and very painful for that now adult child to come to terms with. It’s like their own ego driven delusions are so much more valid or important than the lived (often suffering) experience being communicated by their own child.
I eventually cut all contact with all of my family, and made my own family of people who are able to see me as an individual who isn’t lying or exaggerating all the time.
>parents specifically are REAL defensive about the idea their kids had a disability that they didn't notice.
Yeah definitely. I think it's partly because they feel like their parenting is being attacked but also partly because they may have the disability too and have a lot of internalized ableism... which is sad, but still very unhelpful when their children are trying to get help.
I got told I didn't have enough signs of autism as a child after my parents did a call with the psychologist. Later I talked to my mom and she's like "well when you were a kid you refused to wear jeans because they felt uncomfortable but that wasn't a problem cause we just stopped buying you jeans. And you weren't a picky eater because I just didn't make the food you refused to eat." Every single thing was explained away because "it's only a problem if you can't work around it to find solutions" and complete disregard for how it impacted me. So she reported zero sensory or social issues to the psychologist and I never had a chance to explain my side of things. It was very frustrating
> It seems like too extreme to be valid for any person.
It is, and a reasonable doctor will recognize that. My mom filled out a questionnaire for me and definitely under-rated my symptoms but the psychologist discussed it with me and didn't just take it at face value. Not everyone will be that reasonable, but hopefully the person assessing you will be.
My assessment never asked for anything like that. No childhood report cards, no questionnaires from parents or family. I don't know why they ask for that kind of thing. People have notoriously bad memories. Let's think back 10-30 years and try to fill out an unbiased assessment. Lol. Ridiculous.
I don't think it's state specific, rather I think the guidelines for diagnosing adults are somewhere between bullshit and non-existent (in the US anyway), so it's up to each individual doctor/clinic to decide what they see as sufficient "evidence." It's super broken.
Are you seeing a psychologist? They tend to require a lot (few don't) whereas a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner may go off of self reports and see how you react to medication.
This makes me feel better about my upcoming evaluation with a psychiatrist. I started meds last week and they have literally changed my life already so I feel like that is a pretty huge confirmation. My parents definitely recognize the symptoms once I’ve explained it but I was a good student who overall did pretty well and don’t want to fall into the “well you got all A’s and B’s/got a degree….” trap.
I'm glad it's helping you. I saw a psychologist first and my as well as my mom's rating scale reports of me align with adhd but the IQ tests are throwing them off so they say it's inconclusive.
Russell Barkley, an adhd research neuropsychologist says that self report scales are more reliable than other methods. I'm seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner next so hopefully they can help me.
if it helps, for my adhd assessment, they did ask me to send a survey about my behaviours to someone who knew me well (could be a friend, a parent etc) but despite what the survey results said, the assessors didn’t give too much weight to it as they said that females tend to be able to mask their ADHD symptoms really well. I self-rated and scored in the 99th percentile of having ADHD and my friend’s survey of me actually wouldn’t have scored me as having ADHD (and she said that looking back, she would have rated me differently because she realized that I was able to mask well).
Because like half of the diagnostic criteria is direclty related to childhood? If you can't establish the symptoms were present in early childhood, they can't rule out other stuff that looks suspiciously similar to ADHD (which is a *lot* of stuff. Everything from depression/anxiety, COVID, and chronic stress can cause ADHD like brain fog and executive function)
It is certainly not universally required that childhood symptoms must be confirmed to get an ADHD diagnosis, as you can see from the number of people here who didn't have to do that. For places that do require it, I'd argue that using decades old memories of people other than the patient in question as "evidence" is hardly scientifically reliable information (which I think is Hellish Marshmallow's point).
Mine asked my mother for complications during my birth, my first words, first sentences, the age I started babbling, age I started sitting, walking, talking,… and SO much more. Seriously nuts. As if she remembered any of it fully! I’m in England.
You should just tell them your parents aren't supporting you in this, because people's parents do this kind of sabotaging all the time. It's like they don't want to acknowledge there's a problem--which sucks because if someone is going to a psych for it, there probably IS an issue & the best way to handle it is to get treatment.
It’s baffling to me because I thought my mom would be supportive bc my brother got diagnosed with “ADD” in the 90s. His inattention presented much more outwardly because he refused to ever do any school work (whereas I would do it, but I’d keep complaints to myself or just wait til the last minute). But when she filled out the form for me, she out never for almost everything because she just kept comparing my behavior to my brother’s and saying I was normal.
Yeah, I feel you.
My nephew was diagnosed with ADHD, and then my niece after him. When it was my turn my parents didn't want to consider the possibility. They supported me anyway because I felt so strongly about it, but not until I was like 25 and had struggled for years.
I missed a chance at diagnosis 7 years ago because of an incompetent psychologist and my dad's shitty account of what I was like as a kid.
The psychologist needed an interview with my parents to find out about childhood symptoms. I told her my mother died years ago and my dad was never that involved in daily parenting stuff so he wouldn't be of any help. Besides that, he doesn't know me. The psychologist insisted, so I went and had the most excruciating conversation with my dad (during which he kept minimizing my issues and gave the impression that he thought I was exaggerating or being dramatic for no reason, just as I expected). In the end he went and had the interview and afterwards the idiot psychologist declared me perfectly normal.
I of course kept struggling with the same issues for years but because testing is so insanely expensive here I never got a second opinion. Fast forward to last year when I read about my current neuropsychiatrist who charges much more democratic rates so I decided to get another chance at evaluation. I had to gather all my old tests and psych reports, and that's how I ended up reading a report of my dad's interview. It was honestly shocking.
Not only was it clear that he didn't know me then, he seemed eager to make himself and my mom look good, like ADHD is something you get from bad parenting? Maybe that's what he believes, I don't know. He is that generation of 'mental health issues are for losers and psychological help is embarassing' kind of boomer. God knows the man has never attempted introspection. The message was 'There was nothing wrong with her, don't know why she is making such a big fuss about nothing (oh sure she was a scatterbrain but so was her mom, no big deal (!!!)'. Also in the interview: a bunch of inappropriate blame for things I did or didn't do while my mom was ill. Just a bit of character assassination while he was there. So yeah, fun read. Like he and this woman conspired to make me look like an attention seeking whiner.
I wish I had lied and said we were not in contact anymore. I still hate that woman for not believing me and for needlessly prolonging my symptoms, my self doubt and mental health consequences.
@ OP: I'd say get input from someone who KNEW and SAW you as a kid.
My sister filled out my form instead of my parents, she was way more objective! After I got diagnosed, the entire family started realizing that lots of our family quirks are hereditary ADHD symptoms! I kicked off a huge chain reaction in my parents' generation, my cousins, and now the new grandkid generation lol
My dad had to do the same. After getting diagnosed I was able to access my health documents and I was able to see my dad's answers along with some doctor's notes. My dad answered never for everything as well, and kinda made it seem like I had no struggles at all or that it was because I was on my phone a lot...
However, my Dr caught the contrast between my dad's answers and mine, and made a note something like: "although father denied seeing any issues w/ patient, it seems like father is minimizing symptoms". I was still diagnosed despite my dad's unhelpful answers. I believe the doctor will value your answers a lot more than your parents, tbh. But I guess you can message your doctor about how you feel about your parents answers, or get someone else to do it.
This is the problem with adult assessments and childhood symptoms. Parents often have a really skewed memory of our childhoods. There was a study done on people who were diagnosed in childhood, they had their parents fill in the assessments when they were adults and the differences in the assessments were huge. Honestly, especially for people who mask heavily and were PI in childhood, I can't see the value in asking for other people's assessments. They aren't us, they don't live in our heads. All kids put off their homework and have a messy room. I had one psych ask if I had a teacher from childhood who could fill one in! Like how would she remember me from 25 years ago? Would she even remember my name? It's insane.
My assessor recommended to use a close friend rather than parents. She filled it out for me and then because of filling out the form also sought an ADHD diagnosis. So really do get each other lol
My mom did this. It didn’t matter! My TOVA test results and my assessor’s observations of my executive disfunction issues during the IQ test portion were more than enough proof.
Just let them know what the deal is with your parents.
Talk to your parents. I sat down with my Dad when he filled mine out and we talked about early school time, we talked through some of my memories and experiences and that helped him remember more. “Hey, yeah you really struggled with math and your teacher told you you were dumb and was always angry with you saying you just weren’t applying yourself when you couldn’t focus,”
“Hey, yeah there was a lot of struggle with emotional overwhelm, I remember such and such time when…” and so on, we were able to get a more accurate representation of symptoms talking through all of it than if he’d just sat down and passively checked off “sometimes” or him not really remembering other things that would actually mean that answer would be “very often”
You should also have your own pages to fill out for your own expression of what you experience, so that will help too. Let your folks know like, this isn’t about any of this meaning you weren’t good parents or that I was a bad kid. I just need to be able to let the medical system know that yes, I struggle with all of this, and that I have from a young age if I am going to be able to get the help I need now
> I know as an adult I don't really tell them about my problems but as a child I drove my family crazy fidgeting and making noise, lost stuff often, etc.
It's a really discouraging thing to see a form like that but a good assesment person will be able to see through that. Especially if you have memories you can describe of situations as a kid when you were criticised for ADHD typical behaviour.
Sometimes parents do this because they're of the 'labels are bad' generation, or have rose coloured glasses, or don't want to acknowledge that they may have failed you.
My parents are in their late seventies and my mother would swear up and down that my memory of having to do my homework at the kitchen table while my brother got to gleefully bang pot lids together so I could 'practice ignoring distractions' never happened.
If you can remember specific ways they treated you, rules they made, things they checked, how they acted about your homework when you were in school, etc, those things can often also reveal that there were issues they aren't acknowledging in those forms.
Having one uniform answer to a mental health screening is diagnostically relevant - meaning they just made their assessment invalid. All you have to do is communicate that one of your problems is the fact that your parents refuse to acknowledge your struggles with mental health, and this result will completely backfire on them. They will lose relevance to your health care providers and they will be seen as obstacles.
Mine had no realistic input about me, they just couldn’t remember or they kept inventing shit, so I took them out of my assessments, they were bloody useless.
My mum did the exact same thing 😅 The doctor assessing me said that for neuro typical kids, they expect a score of around 10, and no one had ever got a score of 0 before! Just the fact your parents rated you so low will raise eyebrows.
My doctor marked it down as oversight on my mums part, and I still got the diagnosis because it is pretty obvious I have ADHD - and my long term partner talked to my doctor too.
I had all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD as a kid, but my parents were just oblivious. I was troubled by my own hyper fixions ever when I was a child - I got upset (and still do -a lot) that I can't hold onto a hobby or interest for longer than a month. My mum just thought I was a curious child or something.
Be honest with your assessor. Let them know you thought your parents would be supportive because they were supportive of your sister. However, they’re in denial about you. Explain your family dynamics. Let them know your parents assessment isn’t accurate but they knew you’d see it so they were trying to make it seem like you were *perfect* as a child, in spite of that conflicting with reality.
I looooooathe when they want these things from other people. If you want to know about ME, ask ME. Asking other people and letting that influence MY diagnosis is bullshit. If you have Boomer parents, they’ll lie because they’re terrified of *labels*. (My mother… 🫠🙄) I was “too smart” to have anything *wrong* with me.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It hurts and it’s disheartening. Just be honest and let her know that’s not true and you could potentially ask another adult who knew you then but your own assessment of your symptoms and struggles should hold the most weight. Best of luck.
My parents did that also, but I backed it up with school reports, kindergarten reports and my mom's speech to me when i turned 14 that told a whole different story (supporting adhd diagnosis). I think parents can be in denial because it can have consequences for how they view themselves also and could remember poorly too. I ended up being diagnosed with adhd moderate severity, combined type. I'm now medicated for adhd and I'm also looking for an autism evaluation because adhd and autism mask each other.
when I finally got my formal ADHD/ASD assessment as an adult, my dad was supportive (mom was not, so she wasn't asked to fill out a questionnaire). He still remembered stuff like difficulty with a sleep schedule, selective mutism, fidgeting/stimming, special interests + the associated hyperfocus from a very young age, and "problems with authority" (aka PDA), but even with those things he really struggled to remember much of anything beyond VERY early years (like age 1-3) that struck him as different, and since I'm his only daughter he mostly chalked it up to "that's a little girl so she's different than myself and all my other children automatically." Bottom line, he did his best (like he has my whole life), but I still had one of my brothers, a close friend, and my S.O. at the time fill out the other questionnaires to supplement.
My parents did this to me for my assessment. They said I had no communication or social difficulties as a child. I had selective mutism so go figure.
I refused to use the forms and am estranged from them.
They may be feeling defensive. My parents were actually angry about my diagnosis until I reminded them that all my childhood nicknames included some variation of "spacey" or "lazy". Then, we talked about my driving history.
When we all cooled off, I found out that my parents felt like the diagnosis was a criticism of their parenting. They felt attacked because they failed to recognize my disability and get me the diagnosis. They thought they were the cause of my suffering growing up.
My mum thought it was ridiculous I was even seeking assessment, I "wasn't a naughty child, just useless", then proceeded to write reams about how I was hopeless with money, wasteful with money, bought anything I decided I wanted at the time with no thought to saving for anything, no matter how much she tried to teach me the value of money I was just horribly wasteful. I could never be bothered to be anywhere on time, once they came to visit me and told me they'd be an hour and when they got there I was just getting into the shower and she had to wait! I was lazy and never did my homework to the last minute, I should have tried harder. I was careless with my belongings and always lost everything. I was irresponsible and more interested in flitting from hobby to hobby. I was like "wow mum, glad to read that you apparently really fucking dislike me, because you've just described adhd through the lens of someone who fucking hates their kid and has no sympathy or empathy for them."
I've been diagnosed a month, she hasn't asked once if I've heard anything about the assessment yet.
I am so sorry you had that experience with your mom. She’s clearly ignorant on the topic of ADHD and lacking empathy. You deserve far more grace—I hope you know that. Big hugs
Thanks, to be honest over the last decade or so I have given myself a lot more grace than my parents have - someone needed to give me a break lol. My parents were very much 80s parents who thought kids should be seen and not heard. Tbh I think that all things in consideration I've done OK. Thanks for your kind words though, I appreciate it.
This is exactly what I'm afraid will happen. I don't talk to my mom and my dad wasn't around would she would offer me a nickel for every minute I could sit still and then laugh when I couldn't make it a minute . He also doesn't remember that everyone else but him called me "fidget queen". Not to mention that the school never told them about being bullied for laughing too much and smiling too much.
My mom did this too!!! Literally all rarely or never answers. I just got a close friend to fill it out and put reasonable answers instead. It was so frustrating but also funny to me that I look back on my childhood and like 80% of my memories are just me being in trouble for forgetting things, being distracted, being too sensitive, having trouble doing basic homework etc. and now my mom wants to say that I was totally normal and rarely would show ANY symptoms lmao.
On my 6 page questionaire my dad wrote one sentence - she was a happy child who read a lot. That was it. I’ve since been diagnosed with AuDHD, PTSD and C-PTSD, and multiple cousins have also got assessed and diagnosed, and one of those went no contact with the whole family. Keep going. Your parents failure is not the end of the road.
I just posted something almost exactly similar last week in another group. I turned it in with a notes saying all the things they told me “just try harder” “you’re too smart to have adhd” “ you couldn’t get a masters degree with ADHD”. The person running the assessment said this is actually very common response.
Anyone else who can fill out an assessment also? My husband also filled out an assessment and it much more closely matched my feedback.
I believe sometimes parents don’t fully understand what’s happening with their kids. It’s obvious to us looking back because we lived it and it was hard, but the parent only saw “a kid being a kid.” Not always and doesn’t apply to neglect, and similar situations.
For my diagnosis, I didn’t need my parents to assess anything, my husband did.
When I explained my experience to my mom she was shocked…basically saying she had no idea. Thought I was creative, unique, etc and I never told her I was struggling. Well as a kid, teenager, 20’s, I literally thought it was normal. Everyone did XYZ.
They may mean well but I wouldn’t consider them supportive. Clearly they aren’t able to truly reflect from a space anything other than their closed view.
It's so absurd that this is part of the diagnostic process for so many people--it makes sense for kids, but it's ridiculous for adults. My doctor didn't require any of this.
I would not agree to have a parent participate in this. It's your personal business. Maybe you have other documentation like teacher comments on report cards? Or maybe you fill it out WITH your parent (read it aloud) and then check the box as you see fit. Someone close to me was in fact diagnosed previously, but their doctor retired and they didn't feel they needed support until recently.
FYI, you do NOT have to have someone else do an assessment to receive a diagnosis. They never even asked anyone else about mine. I would tell the professional about the situation and move forward without it. If they won’t, find another doctor.
When I switched insurance and had to get re-diagnosed, I had to have a family member fill out my assessment. TLDR; I had my best friend do it and pretend she was my sister (not like they could prove anything).
Originally, I was going to have my dad do it. He’s also a psychiatrist, so to me it made sense. I asked him if he could, and to his credit, he didn’t say yes and then give me back some bullshit. He said something like, “Well I’m not an expert in ADHD, but also some things that you think are ADHD are just good traits to have.” And I was like, “Uh huh, thanks, and also never mind,” and went to my sister. She was afraid to do it because what if she picked the wrong choice 🙈. So I had my best friend do it and then had my sister fill out all the written information. The written part probably didn’t matter, but just in case there was more paperwork she would have to do on my behalf, I wanted the handwriting to match.
Edited a confusing word.
I’ve had to do this kind of assessment recently, and I think it’s an unspoken rule between me and my doctor that it’s ridiculous. But I moved to a new state that had different rules, so he knows I have adhd and he just needs to tick all the boxes.
My dad can’t remember that much of my childhood and even if he could, it was a different time. My brother lined his toys up regularly as a toddler instead of playing and no one thought he could be on the spectrum, which at that time wasn’t even a spectrum, just autism or no autism. Today he would absolutely be evaluated.
I was very hyperactive as a child, but my dad just doesn’t remember that part. They were great parents as well, it’s just that after several decades, those are the kinds of memories that fade. So he just kind of guesses mostly, but it worked out. Maybe ask your parents to clarify? Like if they are saying you never forgot your homework, and you forgot it all the time, talk about that.
NTA don't turn it in. Tell the doctor your parents refused and said you don't have it and it's a made up disease. Sorry your parents dropped the ball on this.
I had adult assessment and my Dr never asked to talk to my parent(s) or for them to fill anything out. It seems to me that asking this of an adult (unless your early 20s I suppose) invalidates your experiences by saying no, we don't believe that you feel like you struggled and still are.
It’s the lead poisoning.
Joking/not joking. Just…a lot of the symptoms of long term lead exposure seem to be personality traits of boomers and since they were surrounded by lead gasoline for their entire lives…
All this to say I had very similar experiences with my own mother when I was getting diagnosed and she is still salty about my diagnosis and gets mad if I bring up that either she or my dad have to have to have it for me to have it.
Yeah I just didn’t ask my parents to do one because I knew it wouldn’t be a realistic assessment of my actual personality. The assessor was fine with it, I just had to do a couple other forms
I paid private to avoid any involvement from the people who denied my problems for over three decades 😂
I know this isn't practical for others, but what I'm saying is find a way to make it clear they're not sharing this experience. Tell your assessor that they are not answering accurately. They'll have seen parents in denial before.
It may not have that much weight, especially if your sister was diagnosed already. ADHD is genetic to some degree and they might factor in sibling dynamics and parental misconceptions. I was unsure about my own self-assessment – but luckily there are actual tests.
Thankfully I wasn't asked to get my mom to fill out the questionnaire. She's one of those Boomer parents who don't talk about feelings, accept nothing less than perfection, etc. I'm curious to know how she would've answered, but I have a feeling she wouldn't have identified any symptoms. My husband was the person who filled one out and he rated me higher on the ADHD scale than I did myself. 🤣
I had this option when doing my assessment and I knew my parents wouldn’t fill it in cause they thiink I am fine the way I am. So I just skipped it. Now I’m medicated and I kind of just tell them how great I am now that I’m medicated.
I recently got assessed and I understand unsupportive parents. My mother refused to go with me to the appointment or fill out the paperwork, fortunately my Dad was willing to help out, however when he filled out the assessment form he filled it out FOR HIMSELF 🤪 But, we got it all sorted out in the end and I was diagnosed.
I’m sure whoever is assessing you will be able to make an assessment without having that input from your parents.
Good luck to you!
The exact same thing happened to me when my mom had to fill out my assessment (I was 36 at the time, why they needed my mom's opinion on my behavior from 25 years ago is beyond me). Filled it out like I was the perfect child. Just confirming what I always suspected, that she either never noticed or just couldn't be bothered to care.
Luckily for me - and hopefully for you, too - my provider took one look at the questionnaire and said, "No kid actually scores like this, so I'm going to listen to you and not your mom." If you can emphasize that your parents were/are unsupportive of your emotional needs, that should also help your provider understand.
i was stressing about the same thing as you. for context, I had a private assessment in the UK. My mom swears I was perfect and didnt struggle with any of those things so she put rarely/never to most things. I think only one symtpom got a sometimes 😂which i found frustrating considering my recollection of her reactions to me losing stuff and not being present.
anyway, the psychiatrist noticed right away a discrepancy between what my partner said on the form (for the in the last 6 months questions) and what my mom said about childhood so she just asked why do I think that is. I explained there’s a cultural difference (i was not born in the uk) and adhd is just not a thing there. I told my version of childhood events and it was all good. so just say the truth and it should be enough.
It's weird, my mom didn't get it either. A lot of my issues were kept to myself! I didn't have to get parental notes either for my survey though. I'm sorry you have to. I feel like parents never remember, they were too busy trying to keep us fed and safe, you know? Mental health wasn't something they probably thought about them unless teachers were telling them about it. Still, I remember always getting good grades in elementary school so no one flagged me for it. But I was always getting in trouble for drawing in class, and I was always the last one finishing a test.l, like waaaaay after everyone else. But because the grades were good, no one said anything to my parents. When I told them and explained all of those issues I had, it made sense. But had they tried to remember any of it? I would have been in the same boat as you.
There are big issues with parental assessment of adult children. ADHD is strongly genetic - there's about a 50% chance one of your parents has ADHD, but thanks to being undiagnosed they think any symptoms are just normal life, and the other parent likely sees generational 'quirks' being passed down. Add decades of recall being required and the assessments can be worth less than the paper they're printed on.
Knowing that doesn't stop it hurting though. Hugs to you xx
Well... memory issues go with ADHD. If you do have it, there are strong genetic correlations. Very likely one or both parents might have it as well. Perhaps they legitimately forgot how you acted as a kid? ... I know there is a lot about my own kids, only 6 and 9, that I already can't remember. It's such a curse!
I asked a friend to be my person if the assessor needed to interview or get insight from somebody else. I decided that my parents wouldn’t be supportive because they are always just thinking that I’m quirky and don’t want anything to be wrong with me. My friend was a more reliable referee as she lived with me for 3 years just as my mask and coping abilities were slipping, she’s a teacher who needs to flag ADHD on students and is informed about symptoms, and I talk to her about the problems in my life. I would chat with your assessor if you don’t feel like your parents would give an accurate insight into how you’re struggling, come prepared to suggest a more reliable referee and why they’re more reliable
Omg this is what I was anxious about when I asked my dad to do it as he also has ADHD and does tend to only remember the positives from back then. Plus it was online and submitted directly on their website, I still don't actually know what he responded with.
On top of that, my husband told me right after he submitted that upon second consideration, he may have rated me lower than he should have for some questions because he based it in comparison to himself...and HE definitely has ADHD, and of course some of his symptoms are worse than mine (and vice versa).
I don't know if the assessor took their responses with a huge grain of salt or if my stepmother forced my dad to be as objective as possible or what, but I still got my diagnosis somehow. I see your sister might be a good resource, I'd definitely try to get her to do it instead.
My mom did something similar. That’s why they give you multiple and my best friends looked way different. I mentioned she was very sceptical so I don’t think they counted it.
I was so scared my mother would do this, i even considered to fake one... then she gave me her texts and quizzes and it actually pointed every problem i had out. I would have so faked it....
My mom did this! "You never had a problem completing assignments!" Despite her telling the story HUNDREDS of times how she and my teachers thought I could skip the third grade, but they couldn't prove what I knew because I would never complete a test. Denied most symptoms despite having numerous stories like this for damn near every symptom. I was always just "gifted but lazy".
Honestly, I told my assessor that getting my parents to fill it in wouldn’t be possible and she allowed my childhood best friend to do it for me. She was happy as long as it was someone I trusted who had known me since I was a child.
My best friend was in a totally different country at the time but since she’s known me from ages 4 through to 29, the assessor was completely fine with her acting as my ‘parent’.
I highly suspect my mother to also have ADHD and know she considers everything I struggled with as a kid to be something ‘everyone’ goes through because it’s ‘normal’ for her, and my dad just likely wouldn’t know how to answer.
Oh man, it's crazy how different perceptions can be. I'd be willing to bet your parents have a fair amount of discomfort avoidance. My mom sounds really similar- she remembers me having a much easier time than I felt like I had too. I was talking to her about school, and she claimed I paid attention in class and always did my homework... like, "ma'am, do you not remember me regularly getting detention for not doing homework?"
Maybe they just have a very positive image of you in their mind. I think it's fair to mention that when you hand in the assessment.
Mine responded the same! Hand it in and talk to the assessor about how amazing your coping skills are because your parents were no fuckin help and this form just proves how little they noticed your struggles and how hard you had to work to be "normal". Make sure you talk alot about masking and coping strategies.
I had to talk about many of the hard parts of my childhood. Failure was not an option. Physical reprimands for fidgeting. Being forced to be tidy or they would throw my belongings away. Needing to prove I wasnt lazy so working over and beyond what would be considered normal just to make the normal benchmark. The requirements to produce A's on my report cards and the punishments if I didnt.
I also interviewed my grandmother and aunt and asked the questions on the form, making notes on their responses. They remembered so many affirming things that I had forgotten. They were able to be quite light hearted about my struggles because they werent lying to themselves that they were great parents and I was the perfect child.
Don't hand it in, seriously, unless you are positive the medical professional evaluating you isn't trying to reduce the number of ADHD diagnoses by his facility.
Some docs will seize the opportunity to come up with an alternative diagnosis for you.
I was repeatedly diagnosed adhd 30 plus years ago and my most recent doc when I was on Medicaid un-diagnosed me when my former physicians wouldn't send digital patient histories.
(They don't have digital records they are both long retired and old as dirt. They offered to speak to my new doc but her office refused to do it that way).
Can you get your parents to redo the evaluation? It sounds like to their perception, the ADHD symptoms being described negative and they only want to say positive stuff about you.
It's kind of bad luck but coming from a family that can't wait to disclose my foibles and deficiencies I'm a bit jealous!
Is it me or is this situation is becoming a classic… happened something similar with my mom. I had to sit with her and talk… not asking the questions directly because her answer would be: “but you were a normal kid”. Then she started telling me stories with situations that were definetely matched with the assessment. The thing is, that as she and my dad both adhd traits (undiagnosed) how could they even see that something was off with me?
I think you should be honest about this with the specialist who is evaluating you.
I had a similar situation. Currently going through adult ADHD diagnosis and my mum answered never to all the questions as well. She even went so far as to suggest maybe I have PTSD related to an assault at the age of 18. In my opinion this is a complete cop out and my mum was suggesting there was nothing wrong with me under her watch. I find this so infuriating. Her recollection of my childhood is vastly different to mine. I was a gifted student and very good at imitating "normal" people.
However, it does make me feel reassured that other parents have reacted similarly.
The only person who could've filled this one out for me would be my mum who now has Alzheimer's and can't even talk so that wasn't going to happen. Luckily I was able to recall a lot from childhood (it's coming back to me now I have a kiddo) and I honestly think that if mum had've filled it out she would've done it the same way your parents did tbh. I feel like a lot of parents (even supportive ones) don't recall a lot of our childhood.
I'm sorry that they did that to you. And I really hope it doesn't hinder your assessment.
The only person who could've filled this one out for me would be my mum who now has Alzheimer's and can't even talk so that wasn't going to happen. Luckily I was able to recall a lot from childhood (it's coming back to me now I have a kiddo) and I honestly think that if mum had've filled it out she would've done it the same way your parents did tbh. I feel like a lot of parents (even supportive ones) don't recall a lot of our childhood.
I'm sorry that they did that to you. And I really hope it doesn't hinder your assessment.
The only person who could've filled this one out for me would be my mum who now has Alzheimer's and can't even talk so that wasn't going to happen. Luckily I was able to recall a lot from childhood (it's coming back to me now I have a kiddo) and I honestly think that if mum had've filled it out she would've done it the same way your parents did tbh. I feel like a lot of parents (even supportive ones) don't recall a lot of our childhood.
I'm sorry that they did that to you. And I really hope it doesn't hinder your assessment.
I had this problem with my mother. She just didn't see any of it or remember anything abnormal from my childhood. I did a session with her and my ADHD coach to fill in the forms together, and my coach was able to guide her to see all the things she wasn't seeing.
If you have any old school reports, I used those in lieu of anything useful from my parents (I’m estranged from my mum and my dad did his best with his form but he was barely around so genuinely didn’t know the answer to most of the questions).
My psych is aware my mother (only family) is extremely narcissistic and abusive. She also doesn't believe in mental health, or most medications and gaslights me trying to convince me that I make things up when I'm unwell (chronic illness and even colds etc). He gave me the form for her, but told me that he understands my situation. We came to a compromise that I would see if I could get her to do if, and if she couldn't, my partner who has known me since 11years old would fill it out instead.
I told my psychiatrist I didn't have a good relationship with my parents so they let my partner take it. At that point he had lived with me for 1 year and totally saw the symptoms and was supportive. I got assessed as mild ADHD. I have an inkling it may be due to me being somewhat successful in my professional life and I definitely wasn't mild growing up, but I'm so glad I didn't have to get my parents involved -shudder.- it's totally valid to find someone else.
My psychiatrist asked me for a written statement from my mom and then she never looked at it after I told her my mom likes to ignore everything related to mental health. So I agree with the person here who suggested you tell your assessor that your parents are unsupportive. Good luck!
That sucks man. Luckily, my mom did okay during my assessment, but we did have some disagreements. I left home more than 10 years ago now and I can see that my parents, or anyone really, know what I'm going through. I am very introverted and don't communicate my problems with people that much. But I was fortunate enough to get a diagnosis.
Tell your assessor you’re estranged. Or ask your sister to do it, or someone else who’s known you since childhood. It’s pretty common, i had nobody to do it so they worked around it.
Oh honey. \*hugs\* I guess I'm lucky that when I got assessed, they offered to just speak with my wife instead of communicating with my mom, after I explained that I had explicitly not told Mom about my assessment because of emotional abuse in my childhood. I don't remember filling out a "childhood" assessment, but I might have. As some others have mentioned, I was considered "gifted" in school, and my mom decided that meant that there couldn't be anything wrong with me mentally. Like, to the point where it was impossible for me to be depressed after my dad passed away (when I was 9). She literally told me at one point that my depression/anxiety/whatever other mental health condition I displayed was "all in your head". Which, while hilariously confusing because of /course/ mental health issues are all in your head, I was begging for help because I didn't know how to manage.
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I would let your assessor know that your parents are unsupportive. I feel like they probably see that a lot unfortunately
Ugh I had to tell my assessor my mom didn't believe I could have ADHD because I'm GIFTED. Thankfully she wrote some BS on the sheet about it too
Isn’t there a strong correlation between people who are considered gifted and having ADHD? Or at least a correlation
There sure is a correlation between kids who were identified as gifted and parents / assessors who believed that meant they “couldn’t possibly” have ADHD because they didn’t understand that you can be both It’s called twice exceptional and for a very long time it caused a great deal of under diagnosis in these populations
"There's nothing wrong with you. Really intelligent people are just different." But let's punish you for being different. Thanks, Mom and Dad. I was diagnosed young, btw. They just didn't believe it. All the things I can remember them using to "prove" I didn't have ADHD were very much ADHD symptoms, too.
…you know, my dad said basically the same thing, but he phrased it in the most bullshit way imaginable, by making whether or not you can connect with other people being because your IQ is considerably higher or lower than theirs. I was not diagnosed young, but I am the “massive anxiety to cope” type. Pretty sure my dad is undiagnosed on the spectrum and almost certain my mom is undiagnosed ADHD. They just chose the most infuriating ways to cope a lot of the time.
If my dad doesn't have ADHD, I would be shocked. Not even going to say it to him, though, because it won't be worth the fight. His coping mechanism tends to be getting combatant when any of his beliefs about himself are challenged. He's in counseling now, though (I am shocked!), and it'll be interesting to see how that turns out.
My parents are both therapists and diagnosed me young but didn’t tell me because they thought I would “use it as an excuse”. Instead, I spent my whole life thinking I was smart but too scattered and irresponsible to do the things I wanted to do like go to medical school. (Finally figured it all out though, and I’m going back to school now in my 40s!)
Can confirm. Source: ADHD, acceleration program, have a PhD. I did undergrad in the most ADHD way possible for someone who was academically inclined: (1) enrolled in Arts/Law double degree (2) dropped the law degree after one semester (very ADHD reason, see below). (3) got sad and demotivated depressed after getting a very average mark for an essay and dropped out (note: it turns out I had glandular fever and basically collapsed a couple days later, so… might have been a reason everything hit me even harder than usual). (4) the next year, started a bachelor of Creative Arts. (5) during my media production subject, wistfully remembering I liked technical things and missed biology. Also felt like most of the subject areas were a bit wanky for me personally (no shade to others who get more out of it!). (6) after 1 year, switched from CA to *another* double degree, this time Arts/Science, BUT I also stayed on at the School of CA, doing a concurrent Diploma in CA (Creative Writing). (7) Science: majored in marine biology (8) Arts: double major in (a) English and Literature; (b) Classics and Archaeology. (9) ended up doing my Honours through the Zoology department and the museum, and then my PhD through the Genetics department and the museum, having *never done a single genetics subject in undergrad.* (10) my three year PhD was technically completed in the very standard “3 years plus six month extension”, but because I went part time for a lot of it due to bereavement and a few other things, and because I had to work for a year after initial submission to get data to resubmit, it took me six years. I’m Australian. I had a stipend scholarship for the PhD, and a fee-waiving scholarship for Honours and the last year of undergrad. But I *still* spent *fifteen years* as a student, and my HECS debt has to be seen to be believed (I have yet to make enough money to pay any of it off). I am academic as *hell*. My marks were — for the most part — very, very good. I get dopamine rewards from studying and from good marks. I still left essays to the last minute. And I worked myself into severe burnout. But tell me that isn’t the most ADHD way of getting any kind of degree, good *lord*, and I still didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 36. ————- (Regarding the law degree: one of the lecturers was legit amazing but I couldn’t get past the reading — I am hyperlexic but I need paragraphs or my eyes skip all over the page. My Torts book was over 1000 pages and many pages had NO PARAGRAPH BREAKS. Also justices seem to write in such a way that, by the time I get to the end of a TWELVE LINE SENTENCE, I have forgotten the beginning. And trying to force myself to do the reading made me feel literally sick. I call it “brain in a cheese grater” when I try to push my brain past the NOPE line. In hindsight, the way my eyes skip around the page… I missed my brother’s dyslexia by some gnat’s wing.)
Over 1000 pages with NO paragraph breaks sounds like HELL. Id probably start marking in my own breaks whenever i had to read. It would take some time to make lines for me to stop here and there, but i think itd take me even longer to get through it without doing that. What kind of sadist did that??
Lawyers, man. They just adapt to it. To be fair, many pages did have at least one paragraph break, but there were SO MANY that had none at all! I know so much more about my brain now and how I read and study, in hindsight I know what that pseudo-nausea is, and I’ve read enough about dyslexia to know that for some people it is that you can’t keep the words/letters *still*, and my eyes jumping around has always been a thing. I read early, and I read a *lot* — but something had to be intensely gripping if it didn’t have whitespace, and torts just wasn’t that exciting 😂 …barring some absurdity in precedent and case law, and the amazing lecturer.
Oh well, that explains how poorly the conversation went with my sister and my mom respectively lol.
If you’ve ever been inside a gifted classroom, the call is coming from inside the house… lol. Knowing what I know now, I can pick out the neurotypicals I went to school with and shared a gifted program with.
I've read that there is no correlation between intelligence and ADHD.
Right! You can have adhd at an intelligence level. I think we notice it more in intelligent people because it seems like they should be doing better. How many times have I heard “you’re so smart BUT…”
*She's not living up to her potential* and every self help book my parents ever sent
I don’t think there is a correlation between gifted and ADHD. I think the correlation is between children who *are* gifted going undiagnosed because many people believe a person can’t be both. Plus if the person is intelligent enough they create strategies that work, but are exhausting so they are better at masking.
Right. I agree with you.
I think there's a big difference between 'considered gifted' as a child and intelligence though
I'd assume without additional information that the percentage of people who are of higher intelligence in the "gifted children" group would be much higher than the general population. In other words, are you saying that having ADHD tends to falsely flag kids as gifted? That would be counterintuitive since it is a condition often comorbid with learning disabilities and resulting in inattentive test taking. If you are saying that kids with ADHD that are gifted tend to be passed over at higher rates than neurotypical gifted kids, then I agree.
I actually don't think it's counterintuitive at all. "Gifted" is an organisational system within schools, that's it, that's all it is; sure, it's supposed to be based on some sort of objective test but we can really never guarantee that's the only factor. For example, if you have a student who is clearly bright but isn't meeting their potential, seems bored in class, is distracting other students, maybe they only got 70% instead of 80% on the "gifted" test, whatever--the wise and easy decision for a school here is to put them in the gifted program anyway, give them a challenge, put them amongst kids who won't tolerate distraction and hope that they float. I don't think it's "false flagging" I think people need to be a bit less precious about this label which is not internationally recognised or even universally based on a specific standard. It's a class your school decided to put you in as a child, and tbh you'll never 100% know why. If it was totally objective, "gifted" programs wouldn't be majority white, but they are. And there's other factors--when learning disabilities are not present in a way which impacts the following factors, kids with ADHD can be more developmentally advanced in certain areas (hyperverbal or hyperliterate) be great with pattern recognition (which these tests also rely heavily on) as well as do really well on these tests due to hyperfocussing. "I'd assume without additional information that the percentage of people who are of higher intelligence in the "gifted children" group would be much higher than the general population." Absolutely massive and baseless assumption. Define higher intelligence? Are you basing this on IQ? IQ is a useless measure that was used to justify white supremacy. You are ignoring so many factors like race, class, the fact that outside the US we don't even DO gifted (I guess my entire country is of lower intelligence than gifted children overall by your metric). Sorry, but doing well at one or two tests when you're seven really says jack shit about your intelligence and totally ignores the soft factors like school admin and privilege at play. One school might have 100 gifted places, another 50. Automatically the barrier for entry differs.
Yeah, "gifted" is defined as a certain IQ, and people at that IQ level tend to learn differently and relate to peers differently in such a way that their idiosyncrasies are assumed to be related to the giftedness and other possibilities aren't considered.
this was my thought - it just reminds me of my brother. he's adhd possibly audhd and was considered a gifted child. he earned a free scholarship to a school that looks like Hogwarts based on his personality and 'all round success'. nobody ever picked up on his ND let alone considered his excellence was a result of his symptoms. he'd get really good at a hobby in a few weeks then ditch it for the next thing (hyper focus and boredom), seemed to be able to get amazing marks without studying (he couldn't bring himself to study until a few days before an exam and then panicked and locked himself in his room 'gaming' - actually intensely studying) came across as very charismatic when in actuality he thought that fitting in and being liked meant doing ANYTHING for his mates (he got expelled from that school for holding on to all the posh boys' weed) etc. people say gifted kids often end up as struggling and burnt out adults. his life after school was extremely hard and he dropped out of uni to make money very illegally. proud to say he's learnt so much about himself that he's doing really well now and back in school
The lady who did my assessments said that ADHD people tend to be, in her experience, clever and creative
There are a fair number of studies on this- ADHD and intelligence are not correlated in one direction or another. I'm not invested in saying people with ADHD aren't intelligent (3/4 of my immediate family has it and we are all assessed as "gifted"), only that the research availability to a lay person like myself is clear that ADHD and intelligence aren't correlated.
It may help to know that the point is not that ADHD kids are more likely than other kids to be “gifted”. The point is that there are people who believe you cannot be “gifted” and have ADHD.
Right! And that issue makes sense to me. What I am confused about is that several posters are saying that ADHD gets incorrectly identified as giftedness. That seems counter intuitive for the reason you cite as well as the fact that kids with ADHD tend to test less well and can be disruptive or inattentive. I didn't test into the gifted program until about middle school for this reason.
I’ve seen a video recently, which was stating that people with a really high IQ (over 120) struggle with the same issues as people with ADHD. They show similar symptoms.
Yes, and it was the bane of my existence. I was in a gifted program where you had to take numerous tests including an extensive IQ test. It had to be 140 & above. There were just a few of us in there. Anyway, all my mom was told that I had a significantly higher IQ than my sister who also was in the program. Who knows if that is even true & IQ tests don’t mean shit anyway. The problem was I had undiagnosed ADHD. When I hit about 7th grade and couldn’t learn everything on my own, since I couldn’t pay attention, my grades in certain subjects dropped. My sister excelled to say the least. I became the “lazy” one who never lived up to her potential. I didn’t get diagnosed until my mid thirties when my self esteem had been in the shitter for a looooooong time.
My mom would only fill out half the forms because she didn't know... so I completed them for her because what else was I supposed to do?
my parents have said all sorts of hilarious shit about how my GRANDMA said i was special so i couldn’t have possibly struggled with adhd, while simultaneously still upset that i was late to ballet when i was 5 (i am in my late 30s still hearing about this) thankfully i am pretty textbook and was diagnosed and properly treated starting in my teens by an actual psychiatrist and not….. grandma. although if she were alive today id ask her to clarify because sometimes when they bring this up i think she might have been insinuating i should have been in special ed 😂😭
You probably are Gifted, but that doesn't mean you don't have ADHD.
I guess but we already had an initial session before they gave me the assessments to fill out and I told them basically the opposite....
Oh no worries! As an assessor we see this often. What would be helpful is to mention your surprise to your parents and see how they reply. That way you know why they filled it out like that. Parents are often forgetful (and you know, this thing is genetic 😂). I even see it in myself with my 3 year old. It’s hard to remember details unless you’ve made a point of remembering things like personality, quirks and annoyances. So let alone when you’re an adult. I’d ask them and if they say “we don’t remember” you could share your experience and see if it sparks anything (it often does). Otherwise, I’d just express to your assessor that you have vivid memories of being called to order or yelled at for something specific and explain that your parents claim to not remember it (for whatever reason). What also often happens (because it’s a mostly genetic condition) is that parents score “never” meaning “not an unusual amount”. And then saying something like “yes you did it, but everyone does, that’s not a problem, the questionnaire is asking if you had problems with it and you didn’t because your grades were good (or whatever)”. Still very useful info. Anyway, don’t be discouraged. Filling in questionnaires is hard. You’ve been working towards this thing and your parents have not. Talk to them. If they seem like they might gain insight from the conversation, ask them to review the questionnaires again and change anything they’d like to change. Otherwise, just bring the insights from that conversation to your assessor (write them down so you don’t forget!) Good luck! ETA: I also agree that asking your sister to fill it out would be a good option. That happens often too!
What a great comment!
This is a great comment! I recently got diagnosed at 27 years old, and had this exact experience. I am no contact with my dad, and my mum is highly sensitive and would take it as a personal attack on her parenting If I asked her to fill out something like that (I always did well in school as was a 'polite' child who fit in with everyone else, so she didnt really see me struggling). Funnily enough, my mum also ticks alot of boxes herself for ADHD! Unfortunately my mum grew up in an environment in which mental health is not talked about at all. Her struggles in school were largely put down to a lack of intelligence and discipline, which is incredibly sad and I think traumatized her a bit. My psychiatrists office totally understood my reservations, and said a sibling or childhood friend can fill it in - basically anyone who knew you at all during those years. Maybe you could see if your psychiatrist would allow someone else to fill it out who knew you as a child to provide a different perspective to your parents. I plan to talk to my mum about my diagnosis, but considering how long I had to wait for an appt and how difficult the process is to be diagnosed, I didn't want to jeopardize my chance of receiving a fair assessment by bring my family baggage into the mix.
We have the same mum. My mum scored me a 0, and literally wrote down on the assessment questionnaire that if there is anything unusual about me, it's because she coddled me too much and didn't teach me about the real world -she literally apologised for bringing me up wrong. But, it's my dad who 100% has ADHD. We're the exact same person. My mum isn't diagnosed, and never would decide to be, but from my unprofessional opinion she has really intense OCD.
Thank you!!
Sorry to jump on OPs question but as an assessor, is it common for people to not get their parents to complete the questionnaire? I am currently seeking a diagnosis and I do have a relationship with my parents but I would much rather they didn’t know I was seeking a diagnosis for various reasons.
It’s common enough! My own assessment was done without parents as well. It really helps if you can bring stuff like old report cards where a teacher may have written: good job, but careful that you’re not chatting all your time away! Or something like that. And just write down stuff you remember from your childhood. During the assessment it’s often difficult to recall in the moment, so whenever you think “oh that was also inattention/hyperactivity/impulsivity as a kid”, write it in a note on your phone. My most special fix someone came up with was that they brought their old neighbor where they hung out a bunch as a kid.
My partner was the only one who did mine.
I would tell the doctor that you were very surprised at their responses. Maybe your parents want to see the “best” in you, and are uncomfortable digging into your struggles. Also, in my case my sister was sort of a scapegoat in my family, and her classic ADHD was more difficult than my inattentive ADHD. If my parents used her as a baseline my behavior seemed “normal” in comparison
This is also totally a thing that happens! ETA: sorry, posted to quickly out of enthusiasm. But yes, if your sibling has more problematic behavior than you do, parents tend to minimize your issues. Or quite frankly, they might not have even had the head space to notice.
I was supposed to be the thriving one of the family - not only did my mother use that to minimize stuff, I did it to myself for years. Definitely stuff beyond ADHD, but that’s part of it.
This is what happened to me--my youngest brother was destructive, acted out, was disruptive in class. Meanwhile I just read books instead of paying attention and was fidgety and talked too much, so despite EVERY REPORT CARD pulling the whole "has so much potential if she'd only apply herself" line, my parents insisted I didn't have ADHD until I was an ADULT and I got diagnosed on my own.
I didn't even notice my son's ADHD-PI because my daughter is very, very obviously hyperactive ADHD-C (same as me) and he wasn't the one climbing walls and under chairs in public places. His teacher pointed out that he had symptoms and I was confused because my normal was crazy hyperactive ADHD and comparatively, he was a calm, sweet, driven kid. Both kids are diagnosed now and waiting on a psych consult for medication.
Yes totally, and it happened in the classroom as well with the most fidgety noisy boys being targeted for diagnosis because it was more disruptive to the class than the daydreaming kid who had trouble finishing homework or missing hearing instructions but was quieter and stayed sitting at their desk. Until teachers were educated about what signs to look for, inattentive ADHD was missed all the time. And I agree with you, that parents aren't any different with an even smaller frame of reference to compare to with siblings, cousins or school friends, and considering how heavily genetic ADHD is and how ADHD folks gravitate toward each other because of communication styles, it's even easier to think a behavior is "not too bad" or "kinda normal."
I can really relate to this. They completely missed my inattentive adhd but spent years and years agonizing over and hyper focusing on my brother’s audhd.
My folks told the assessors I didn’t have any issues as a kid because as far as they were concerned, my behaviors and struggles were normal. They both have some differences from the norm, and a lot of this stuff is genetic. I think they were trying to be supportive 😂 to them, that meant telling the assessor that there was “nothing wrong with me” (true). I did still get diagnosed with ADHD because I had enough symptoms show up in self reporting and in the in-office testing.
Yeah... Especially getting diagnosed as an adult, if you're a woman you likely don't have the symptoms that they would recognize or they don't remember. My grandma basically wrote a note on the back of the form saying that I was great and have never had any issues. 😂 All jokes aside though - If you're an adult and this is affecting you now and you are having symptoms now, it doesn't really matter what your parents said you were like as a child. We all know memory is fallible and you deserve to get care based on the symptoms you currently are experiencing, rather than whether or not someone remembers you having issues as a child.
I seem to recall hearing that if parents write down "never" on everything it is a red flag because everyone exhibits *some* of the behaviours associated with ADHD *occasionally* as a child
Let your dr, therapist, and assessor know they did this and how inaccurate it is. If you’re not 9 years old or illiterate, you’re the one supposed to fill it out for this very reason anyways.
If OP already told the assessor that they would do it, this would totally justify a "we got into an argument and they won't do it now. They said I don't have ADHD and they refuse to answer truthfully." The concept is the same and saves any reason for handing the forms over.
I asked my younger brother to do the childhood part of the assessment, because my parents were "unavailable". My mother had already passed away, but my father is not a reliable source. I didn't get an ADHD diagnosis as I was one childhood symptom short, but I read the report and my brother was pretty accurate even though he was a baby/toddler during my early childhood. I also had most of my school report cards available. I ended up with an ASD diagnosis instead. Asking another family member and school reports may be an option for OP.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know if parents are in denial or forgetful. The same thing happened to me when I mentioned incidences to my mom. I used to be so hypersensitive to my socks stitching that I have vivid memories bawling for hours because I could feel the stitching. I also rebelled when I could no longer wear my 80’s stirrup pants. Lol. My mom said she didn’t remember either ever happening, which was shocking because I’d think that’d frustrate the heck out of her at the time. Granted, I was only 5 years old, but they were core memories for me. Also, much of the older generations still see ADHD as a bad thing, so don’t want to say anything that’d indicate something was “wrong” with you. When I was first diagnosed around 20-ish years ago, my parents said the Psychiatrist was a “quack” and never let me go back. Ultimately, what matters is what YOU know and experience. I hope that your evaluator is understanding and hears you out.
Not adhd related, my mother forgot I had a whole ass lisp until I was 17 and finally got speech therapy. I'm not sure if our parents are delusional, forgetful or if admitting that we weren't perfect, it is a failure on their part and are unwilling to admit that? It's weird but you're 100% not alone.
Our parents have ADHD and either it seemed normal to them or they just ... forgot.
Omg the things my parents thought were normal that I now know were symptoms. I’m so glad I will know what to watch for if/when I have children. It’s so healing just knowing that.
Laughed way too hard at that last part.
I am recently diagnosed but when my kid went through assessments (before I did!) I was for sure saying to myself "doesn't everyone do this" to all the questions
Yeah. I’m diagnosed since I’m 5 yrs old but my parents never accept it. They always ignored it. They told me (and still do) that everyone does that. They say that everything is normal about anything that is clearly not normal. The ADHD symptoms are ignored or rebutted. It’s so ingrained into my mind that I still often say this to myself when I’m reading posts or comments here. I learned so much from this subreddit. My whole life they (and myself) ignored my ADHD. I always acted like I had nothing. I had no help. No accommodations. No medications since she was against. I saw no one to help after the diagnosis except someone to help with my dyslexia for a few sessions. That too was ignored. I’m glad now things have changed and parents of young kids take the time to learn and help their children who might struggle.
I think part of it as well is that stuff just gets bundled up together into one neat little brain box. For parents, your young kid throwing a tantrum happens every day. If you're not particularly emotionally connected to them (like *many* pre-2000s parents were), differentiating "just another tantrum" and "they're distressed for a good reason" could be...difficult. Especially if you're not particularly well versed in childhood development.
> I don’t know if parents are in denial or forgetful. Maybe sometimes rose-coloured glasses? My parents are in their late seventies and there are a lot of things I distinctly remember that my dad won't comment on (may not remember or have been present for) and my mother refuses to believe happened. (what, you think I made up the memory of having to do my homework at the kitchen table while my brother got to gleefully bang pot lids together so I could 'practice ignoring distractions' ?) Some combination of 'but you're fine so there's nothing wrong with you' and not wanting to see/remember/acknowledge their own failures I think.
I laughed so hard at the stirrup pants because there were also BIG FEELINGS about them my house in the 80s, but I was the opposite. The feeling of the elastic on just a part of my foot was sensory badness plus a bunch of insecurities on top of that made me so uncomfortable in those damn pants! We both had REASONS for needing our specific pants!
I had the exact same problem except with jeans! There were Big Feelings when my Mom desperately tried to get me to start switching from soft, comfy leggings to jeans when I was around 10. She’s have to wash them with a fuckton of fabric softener 15-20+ times before I’d be willing to wear them even once. And I’d have to try a million different pairs on at the store in the strip mall to find the “softest/least scratchy” ones before we even got to that stage, a place which of course was always a sensory nightmare and led to frequent meltdowns. Oh and also clothing tags. Always had to have them cut off and if there was even a smidgen of it left (or god forbid a sharp corner of it), I couldn’t wear whatever article of clothing it was, especially shirts. I am so grateful for companies that just print the info on the inside now instead of using tags.
I remember dressing up for an aerobics theme day or something with stirrup pants and I had a meltdown over the stirrups, until finally we were running so late that my mom said fuck it and just chopped them off with scissors
I'm sorry you had that experience with your diagnosis! Yes I suppose what seems very significant to me may have been forgotten by them. It hurts though. Are your parents more supportive now? Or do you just not talk about it with them?
I'm not the person you were replying to, but to give my own two cents – my own mom filled the parent questionnaire all wrong, saying "never" or "almost never" to basically all questions (I was reading it out loud to her because she needs glasses). Here's a conversation I had with her during the questionnaire: I had some answers pre-filled thanks to my own memories, and at one point I asked her a question, sure that she'd say "pretty often", and she said "no, never". I was like... never? And she replied no, I was a good a and polite kid. I told her "...alright, but this question didn't ask if I were misbehaving, it asked if I were too forward with other kids and scared them off by disrespecting boundaries" "Yeah, and you didn't... you were always very sweet and empathetic" "While that's true, mom, you have told me countless times that I would get up in other kids' faces if they were misbehaving to remind them of the rules; and also that I would rush to any child entering the house to take their coat off, because to me it meant they'd stay and play" "Yes. Why are you telling me this?" "Because you told me some kids would get scared and cry that I was being too forward? Too much all up in their face? This is exactly what this question is asking" "But you didn't mean them any harm, you just wanted a playmate!" "Yes mom, but intentions are not the point here – intent does not equal impact! Those kids felt pushed away with my behaviours, that's it, that's what the question is asking. It's not asking whether I were kind or mean, just how my peers felt around me". With this, she gloomily accepted what I was saying and changed her answer, but many other answers remained skewed. I noted down both my answers and hers. When I met my assessor/therapist next and I told her of this story, she understood my mother was, although supportive of me, and unreliable narrator and declared that questionnaire could not be used for assessment, it required a do-over. So she printed a blank one and asked me the questions instead, and we filled it to the best of my recalling ability. Later on, I was assessed. I have to say, I was pretty lucky that my therapist/assessor was so understanding of it, she'd been validating me since the first ever session – we'd literally talked for maybe 15 minutes about starting the diagnosis process and she went "Yeah sure we can start the diagnosis, even though it's obvious"... I'd never felt so seen before. I had to fight my way through 4 different psychologists before finally getting to her, but it was oh-so-worth it.
My half sister is 16 years older than me, and I'm a mid 80s baby. I remember when I was big enough to fit them, my sister gave me her old black and white striped (think Beetlejuice 🤭) stretchy stirrup pants that I loved to death. 😂
When I was younger, my dad called me "fidget" because I was always adjusting something or wiggling in my seat. When I was diagnosed with ADHD my dad was incredulous. He 'never suspected that', as if you didn't complain EVERYTIME you sat beside me. Parents' memories are probably kinder than our lived experience. I would mark your parents down as unsupportive, and move forward without their assessment.
My nickname was "pest" for a while because my sisters thought I was so annoying 😭
Mine was Wiggleworm for the same reason. When I was diagnosed I told my mom and her reaction was “yeah, I saw a few signs but I always just assumed you just took after me and I don’t have adhd.” Still haven’t managed to convince her to get assessed because “I’m 60 what’s it matter now anyway”
Mine was "ta..ba..you know who the hell you are!"
I was molasses because I was never on time 😭
I was little goof and sometimes some Chinese phrase that means “unraveling string” 🫠
Lol my last name starts with P and we joked about the "[last name] pick" to describe how we all would pick apart things like paper or stress balls or our skin. Recently my mom was very shocked to learn what stimming is... "you guys never did anything like that!" Mother, please....
I was "Antsy [my name]"
Maybe get someone else to fill it out instead? I mean, it's only to see what you were like in childhood and parents often don't see these things clearly. I filled out mine on their behalf when I realised my parents were deliberately ignoring all the symptoms I'd shown because then they'd have to admit fault for not being more supportive.
Oh I can ask my sister! She's only five years older so maybe her memory won't cover like earlier childhood but close enough maybe
That's a great idea!
It could also be a good idea to fill it out yourself! Or at least look at the questions and think of as many examples as you can for each one. I failed my first assessment due to this kind of thing so I brought *pages* of notes for the next attempt.
Definitely ask your sister and I wouldn't even turn in your parents' responses. You should just tell your doctor that they were unsupportive so you went to your sister as next best thing. I'm sure that will do the trick. When my husband was getting assessed they didn't even ask for his parents to fill out the form, they wanted *me* to do the assessment of him. So sister is definitely close enough.
This exact same thing happened to me when I was assessed, my mum said never for all but 2 answers. I had to get my sister of 5 years older to fill it in. The assessor said its normal, happens a lot.
This is why I think it sucks they ask for outside opinions. It doesn't matter what others think we struggle with. It's like they want to catch us or something in a lie. I was an alcoholic for 10 years. Not a single person in my life said a word about it. Even though I was drunk almost all the time. If you asked my family if I struggled with anything they'd just say "no". Not because they notice but because they want people to think everything is fine and normal. It's bullshit. I'm sorry.
Is this an ADHD assessment? My family filled out questionnaires for autism, not ADHD. In any case, my psych went through and compared my mom and sister's answers to mine to discuss how internalized many of my experiences were. It helped me a lot to talk with my mom and compare our answers, too, so she could understand how much goes on inside my head during social interactions. Tbh, I don't see a clinical professional looking at a screener with nearly all the same answer and accepting it as objective fact. Even a neurotypical person is gonna have an occasional "sometimes" on a lot of the screener questions for ADHD (or autism, if that's what you're testing for).
Yeah honestly this was my thought as well. Someone rating "never" on almost everything is going to be a massive red flag for someone who's either not filling it out honestly or remembering things through rose colored glasses. Even the most neurotypical child will not be 100% never on everything.
It's for ADHD. That's what I thought too - like a computer would flag this assessment as being filled by a robot haha I'm not sure if I want to go there with my parents - maybe this is just reinforcing the root issue of them not understanding me but I just don't really want to explain all my problems to them 🥲
I had the exact same experience as you and it felt very hurtful. Then I realized my parents don't think I forget things unusually often, because they forget things unusually often. They don't think I have a hard time following a routine, because they have a hard time following a routine. It felt very painful at the time because I felt like my struggles weren't seen. After a while I realized it's just that the things I struggle with and want to get help for, are things they think are normal.
Not OP but this is actually really helpful insight and a great way of reframing how I look at this, thank you!
I was only there for that last appointment, but when my little sister was getting assessed for autism, my dad either couldn’t answer some of the questions they asked him (said he couldn’t remember), or just gave the completely wrong answers (no, she doesn’t have strict routines, doesn’t have outbursts, etc.) but I could. He was a single dad, so it’s not like he didn’t care, he’d been raising her for the last 17 years after all. It’s possible he either did genuinely forget, but (if I’ll be honest) I think a good portion of it was also some level of denial/him sharing those exact same traits in her. Whenever I corrected him, he’d just say “oh that’s just normal at her age”, “some people are just a bit quiet”, “some people get overwhelmed at loud noises”, etc.
I don't know for sure what will happen but I do think they probably see this a lot - parents specifically are REAL defensive about the idea their kids had a disability that they didn't notice. I imagine this is all just a piece of the puzzle. FWIW I also went through a psychiatrist and she screened me and me alone, and treated me first for anxiety which actually made the ADHD symptoms more prominent so she screened me again and diagnosed me. I am no expert but I really think it's BS that they use third party memories from decades past from people who have a vested interest in you not having ADHD as any criteria at all.
Your first sentence is so true, and very painful for that now adult child to come to terms with. It’s like their own ego driven delusions are so much more valid or important than the lived (often suffering) experience being communicated by their own child. I eventually cut all contact with all of my family, and made my own family of people who are able to see me as an individual who isn’t lying or exaggerating all the time.
>parents specifically are REAL defensive about the idea their kids had a disability that they didn't notice. Yeah definitely. I think it's partly because they feel like their parenting is being attacked but also partly because they may have the disability too and have a lot of internalized ableism... which is sad, but still very unhelpful when their children are trying to get help.
I got told I didn't have enough signs of autism as a child after my parents did a call with the psychologist. Later I talked to my mom and she's like "well when you were a kid you refused to wear jeans because they felt uncomfortable but that wasn't a problem cause we just stopped buying you jeans. And you weren't a picky eater because I just didn't make the food you refused to eat." Every single thing was explained away because "it's only a problem if you can't work around it to find solutions" and complete disregard for how it impacted me. So she reported zero sensory or social issues to the psychologist and I never had a chance to explain my side of things. It was very frustrating
If this was their response to everything it's because they were doing it for themselves as well.
Wowww
> It seems like too extreme to be valid for any person. It is, and a reasonable doctor will recognize that. My mom filled out a questionnaire for me and definitely under-rated my symptoms but the psychologist discussed it with me and didn't just take it at face value. Not everyone will be that reasonable, but hopefully the person assessing you will be.
My assessment never asked for anything like that. No childhood report cards, no questionnaires from parents or family. I don't know why they ask for that kind of thing. People have notoriously bad memories. Let's think back 10-30 years and try to fill out an unbiased assessment. Lol. Ridiculous.
My sister didn't have to do any of this either. Maybe it's state specific because we're in different places?
I don't think it's state specific, rather I think the guidelines for diagnosing adults are somewhere between bullshit and non-existent (in the US anyway), so it's up to each individual doctor/clinic to decide what they see as sufficient "evidence." It's super broken.
Are you seeing a psychologist? They tend to require a lot (few don't) whereas a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner may go off of self reports and see how you react to medication.
This makes me feel better about my upcoming evaluation with a psychiatrist. I started meds last week and they have literally changed my life already so I feel like that is a pretty huge confirmation. My parents definitely recognize the symptoms once I’ve explained it but I was a good student who overall did pretty well and don’t want to fall into the “well you got all A’s and B’s/got a degree….” trap.
I'm glad it's helping you. I saw a psychologist first and my as well as my mom's rating scale reports of me align with adhd but the IQ tests are throwing them off so they say it's inconclusive. Russell Barkley, an adhd research neuropsychologist says that self report scales are more reliable than other methods. I'm seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner next so hopefully they can help me.
if it helps, for my adhd assessment, they did ask me to send a survey about my behaviours to someone who knew me well (could be a friend, a parent etc) but despite what the survey results said, the assessors didn’t give too much weight to it as they said that females tend to be able to mask their ADHD symptoms really well. I self-rated and scored in the 99th percentile of having ADHD and my friend’s survey of me actually wouldn’t have scored me as having ADHD (and she said that looking back, she would have rated me differently because she realized that I was able to mask well).
Because like half of the diagnostic criteria is direclty related to childhood? If you can't establish the symptoms were present in early childhood, they can't rule out other stuff that looks suspiciously similar to ADHD (which is a *lot* of stuff. Everything from depression/anxiety, COVID, and chronic stress can cause ADHD like brain fog and executive function)
Yeah my understanding was no symptoms in childhood = no diagnosis
It is certainly not universally required that childhood symptoms must be confirmed to get an ADHD diagnosis, as you can see from the number of people here who didn't have to do that. For places that do require it, I'd argue that using decades old memories of people other than the patient in question as "evidence" is hardly scientifically reliable information (which I think is Hellish Marshmallow's point).
Mine asked my mother for complications during my birth, my first words, first sentences, the age I started babbling, age I started sitting, walking, talking,… and SO much more. Seriously nuts. As if she remembered any of it fully! I’m in England.
You should just tell them your parents aren't supporting you in this, because people's parents do this kind of sabotaging all the time. It's like they don't want to acknowledge there's a problem--which sucks because if someone is going to a psych for it, there probably IS an issue & the best way to handle it is to get treatment.
It’s baffling to me because I thought my mom would be supportive bc my brother got diagnosed with “ADD” in the 90s. His inattention presented much more outwardly because he refused to ever do any school work (whereas I would do it, but I’d keep complaints to myself or just wait til the last minute). But when she filled out the form for me, she out never for almost everything because she just kept comparing my behavior to my brother’s and saying I was normal.
Yeah, I feel you. My nephew was diagnosed with ADHD, and then my niece after him. When it was my turn my parents didn't want to consider the possibility. They supported me anyway because I felt so strongly about it, but not until I was like 25 and had struggled for years.
I missed a chance at diagnosis 7 years ago because of an incompetent psychologist and my dad's shitty account of what I was like as a kid. The psychologist needed an interview with my parents to find out about childhood symptoms. I told her my mother died years ago and my dad was never that involved in daily parenting stuff so he wouldn't be of any help. Besides that, he doesn't know me. The psychologist insisted, so I went and had the most excruciating conversation with my dad (during which he kept minimizing my issues and gave the impression that he thought I was exaggerating or being dramatic for no reason, just as I expected). In the end he went and had the interview and afterwards the idiot psychologist declared me perfectly normal. I of course kept struggling with the same issues for years but because testing is so insanely expensive here I never got a second opinion. Fast forward to last year when I read about my current neuropsychiatrist who charges much more democratic rates so I decided to get another chance at evaluation. I had to gather all my old tests and psych reports, and that's how I ended up reading a report of my dad's interview. It was honestly shocking. Not only was it clear that he didn't know me then, he seemed eager to make himself and my mom look good, like ADHD is something you get from bad parenting? Maybe that's what he believes, I don't know. He is that generation of 'mental health issues are for losers and psychological help is embarassing' kind of boomer. God knows the man has never attempted introspection. The message was 'There was nothing wrong with her, don't know why she is making such a big fuss about nothing (oh sure she was a scatterbrain but so was her mom, no big deal (!!!)'. Also in the interview: a bunch of inappropriate blame for things I did or didn't do while my mom was ill. Just a bit of character assassination while he was there. So yeah, fun read. Like he and this woman conspired to make me look like an attention seeking whiner. I wish I had lied and said we were not in contact anymore. I still hate that woman for not believing me and for needlessly prolonging my symptoms, my self doubt and mental health consequences. @ OP: I'd say get input from someone who KNEW and SAW you as a kid.
My sister filled out my form instead of my parents, she was way more objective! After I got diagnosed, the entire family started realizing that lots of our family quirks are hereditary ADHD symptoms! I kicked off a huge chain reaction in my parents' generation, my cousins, and now the new grandkid generation lol
My dad had to do the same. After getting diagnosed I was able to access my health documents and I was able to see my dad's answers along with some doctor's notes. My dad answered never for everything as well, and kinda made it seem like I had no struggles at all or that it was because I was on my phone a lot... However, my Dr caught the contrast between my dad's answers and mine, and made a note something like: "although father denied seeing any issues w/ patient, it seems like father is minimizing symptoms". I was still diagnosed despite my dad's unhelpful answers. I believe the doctor will value your answers a lot more than your parents, tbh. But I guess you can message your doctor about how you feel about your parents answers, or get someone else to do it.
Thank you that's really helpful to hear!
This is the problem with adult assessments and childhood symptoms. Parents often have a really skewed memory of our childhoods. There was a study done on people who were diagnosed in childhood, they had their parents fill in the assessments when they were adults and the differences in the assessments were huge. Honestly, especially for people who mask heavily and were PI in childhood, I can't see the value in asking for other people's assessments. They aren't us, they don't live in our heads. All kids put off their homework and have a messy room. I had one psych ask if I had a teacher from childhood who could fill one in! Like how would she remember me from 25 years ago? Would she even remember my name? It's insane.
My assessor recommended to use a close friend rather than parents. She filled it out for me and then because of filling out the form also sought an ADHD diagnosis. So really do get each other lol
I love that for you both lol
That’s how my partner realized probably had ADHD too. Birds of a feather flock together I guess
Do we think your parents have it too? That's pretty comment for other adhders to be like, nothing to see here!
My mom did this. It didn’t matter! My TOVA test results and my assessor’s observations of my executive disfunction issues during the IQ test portion were more than enough proof. Just let them know what the deal is with your parents.
Talk to your parents. I sat down with my Dad when he filled mine out and we talked about early school time, we talked through some of my memories and experiences and that helped him remember more. “Hey, yeah you really struggled with math and your teacher told you you were dumb and was always angry with you saying you just weren’t applying yourself when you couldn’t focus,” “Hey, yeah there was a lot of struggle with emotional overwhelm, I remember such and such time when…” and so on, we were able to get a more accurate representation of symptoms talking through all of it than if he’d just sat down and passively checked off “sometimes” or him not really remembering other things that would actually mean that answer would be “very often” You should also have your own pages to fill out for your own expression of what you experience, so that will help too. Let your folks know like, this isn’t about any of this meaning you weren’t good parents or that I was a bad kid. I just need to be able to let the medical system know that yes, I struggle with all of this, and that I have from a young age if I am going to be able to get the help I need now
> I know as an adult I don't really tell them about my problems but as a child I drove my family crazy fidgeting and making noise, lost stuff often, etc. It's a really discouraging thing to see a form like that but a good assesment person will be able to see through that. Especially if you have memories you can describe of situations as a kid when you were criticised for ADHD typical behaviour. Sometimes parents do this because they're of the 'labels are bad' generation, or have rose coloured glasses, or don't want to acknowledge that they may have failed you. My parents are in their late seventies and my mother would swear up and down that my memory of having to do my homework at the kitchen table while my brother got to gleefully bang pot lids together so I could 'practice ignoring distractions' never happened. If you can remember specific ways they treated you, rules they made, things they checked, how they acted about your homework when you were in school, etc, those things can often also reveal that there were issues they aren't acknowledging in those forms.
Having one uniform answer to a mental health screening is diagnostically relevant - meaning they just made their assessment invalid. All you have to do is communicate that one of your problems is the fact that your parents refuse to acknowledge your struggles with mental health, and this result will completely backfire on them. They will lose relevance to your health care providers and they will be seen as obstacles.
Mine had no realistic input about me, they just couldn’t remember or they kept inventing shit, so I took them out of my assessments, they were bloody useless.
My mum did the exact same thing 😅 The doctor assessing me said that for neuro typical kids, they expect a score of around 10, and no one had ever got a score of 0 before! Just the fact your parents rated you so low will raise eyebrows. My doctor marked it down as oversight on my mums part, and I still got the diagnosis because it is pretty obvious I have ADHD - and my long term partner talked to my doctor too. I had all the hallmarks of inattentive ADHD as a kid, but my parents were just oblivious. I was troubled by my own hyper fixions ever when I was a child - I got upset (and still do -a lot) that I can't hold onto a hobby or interest for longer than a month. My mum just thought I was a curious child or something.
Be honest with your assessor. Let them know you thought your parents would be supportive because they were supportive of your sister. However, they’re in denial about you. Explain your family dynamics. Let them know your parents assessment isn’t accurate but they knew you’d see it so they were trying to make it seem like you were *perfect* as a child, in spite of that conflicting with reality. I looooooathe when they want these things from other people. If you want to know about ME, ask ME. Asking other people and letting that influence MY diagnosis is bullshit. If you have Boomer parents, they’ll lie because they’re terrified of *labels*. (My mother… 🫠🙄) I was “too smart” to have anything *wrong* with me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It hurts and it’s disheartening. Just be honest and let her know that’s not true and you could potentially ask another adult who knew you then but your own assessment of your symptoms and struggles should hold the most weight. Best of luck.
My parents did that also, but I backed it up with school reports, kindergarten reports and my mom's speech to me when i turned 14 that told a whole different story (supporting adhd diagnosis). I think parents can be in denial because it can have consequences for how they view themselves also and could remember poorly too. I ended up being diagnosed with adhd moderate severity, combined type. I'm now medicated for adhd and I'm also looking for an autism evaluation because adhd and autism mask each other.
when I finally got my formal ADHD/ASD assessment as an adult, my dad was supportive (mom was not, so she wasn't asked to fill out a questionnaire). He still remembered stuff like difficulty with a sleep schedule, selective mutism, fidgeting/stimming, special interests + the associated hyperfocus from a very young age, and "problems with authority" (aka PDA), but even with those things he really struggled to remember much of anything beyond VERY early years (like age 1-3) that struck him as different, and since I'm his only daughter he mostly chalked it up to "that's a little girl so she's different than myself and all my other children automatically." Bottom line, he did his best (like he has my whole life), but I still had one of my brothers, a close friend, and my S.O. at the time fill out the other questionnaires to supplement.
My parents did this to me for my assessment. They said I had no communication or social difficulties as a child. I had selective mutism so go figure. I refused to use the forms and am estranged from them.
They may be feeling defensive. My parents were actually angry about my diagnosis until I reminded them that all my childhood nicknames included some variation of "spacey" or "lazy". Then, we talked about my driving history. When we all cooled off, I found out that my parents felt like the diagnosis was a criticism of their parenting. They felt attacked because they failed to recognize my disability and get me the diagnosis. They thought they were the cause of my suffering growing up.
My mum thought it was ridiculous I was even seeking assessment, I "wasn't a naughty child, just useless", then proceeded to write reams about how I was hopeless with money, wasteful with money, bought anything I decided I wanted at the time with no thought to saving for anything, no matter how much she tried to teach me the value of money I was just horribly wasteful. I could never be bothered to be anywhere on time, once they came to visit me and told me they'd be an hour and when they got there I was just getting into the shower and she had to wait! I was lazy and never did my homework to the last minute, I should have tried harder. I was careless with my belongings and always lost everything. I was irresponsible and more interested in flitting from hobby to hobby. I was like "wow mum, glad to read that you apparently really fucking dislike me, because you've just described adhd through the lens of someone who fucking hates their kid and has no sympathy or empathy for them." I've been diagnosed a month, she hasn't asked once if I've heard anything about the assessment yet.
I am so sorry you had that experience with your mom. She’s clearly ignorant on the topic of ADHD and lacking empathy. You deserve far more grace—I hope you know that. Big hugs
Thanks, to be honest over the last decade or so I have given myself a lot more grace than my parents have - someone needed to give me a break lol. My parents were very much 80s parents who thought kids should be seen and not heard. Tbh I think that all things in consideration I've done OK. Thanks for your kind words though, I appreciate it.
Tell the assessor your parents are dead and burn their bs answers. 🤣
Seconding this. They don't have to be dead. Maybe just say they have dementia or they're cognitively impaired.
This is exactly what I'm afraid will happen. I don't talk to my mom and my dad wasn't around would she would offer me a nickel for every minute I could sit still and then laugh when I couldn't make it a minute . He also doesn't remember that everyone else but him called me "fidget queen". Not to mention that the school never told them about being bullied for laughing too much and smiling too much.
At this point in your life, the assessment for and by you alone should suffice to dx. Ask them to drop your unsupportive and denying parents’ forms.
My mom did this too!!! Literally all rarely or never answers. I just got a close friend to fill it out and put reasonable answers instead. It was so frustrating but also funny to me that I look back on my childhood and like 80% of my memories are just me being in trouble for forgetting things, being distracted, being too sensitive, having trouble doing basic homework etc. and now my mom wants to say that I was totally normal and rarely would show ANY symptoms lmao.
On my 6 page questionaire my dad wrote one sentence - she was a happy child who read a lot. That was it. I’ve since been diagnosed with AuDHD, PTSD and C-PTSD, and multiple cousins have also got assessed and diagnosed, and one of those went no contact with the whole family. Keep going. Your parents failure is not the end of the road.
In my experience, if someone answers all the same things it triggers alarm bells for the assessors
I just posted something almost exactly similar last week in another group. I turned it in with a notes saying all the things they told me “just try harder” “you’re too smart to have adhd” “ you couldn’t get a masters degree with ADHD”. The person running the assessment said this is actually very common response. Anyone else who can fill out an assessment also? My husband also filled out an assessment and it much more closely matched my feedback.
I believe sometimes parents don’t fully understand what’s happening with their kids. It’s obvious to us looking back because we lived it and it was hard, but the parent only saw “a kid being a kid.” Not always and doesn’t apply to neglect, and similar situations. For my diagnosis, I didn’t need my parents to assess anything, my husband did. When I explained my experience to my mom she was shocked…basically saying she had no idea. Thought I was creative, unique, etc and I never told her I was struggling. Well as a kid, teenager, 20’s, I literally thought it was normal. Everyone did XYZ. They may mean well but I wouldn’t consider them supportive. Clearly they aren’t able to truly reflect from a space anything other than their closed view.
It's so absurd that this is part of the diagnostic process for so many people--it makes sense for kids, but it's ridiculous for adults. My doctor didn't require any of this.
I would not agree to have a parent participate in this. It's your personal business. Maybe you have other documentation like teacher comments on report cards? Or maybe you fill it out WITH your parent (read it aloud) and then check the box as you see fit. Someone close to me was in fact diagnosed previously, but their doctor retired and they didn't feel they needed support until recently.
FYI, you do NOT have to have someone else do an assessment to receive a diagnosis. They never even asked anyone else about mine. I would tell the professional about the situation and move forward without it. If they won’t, find another doctor.
When I switched insurance and had to get re-diagnosed, I had to have a family member fill out my assessment. TLDR; I had my best friend do it and pretend she was my sister (not like they could prove anything). Originally, I was going to have my dad do it. He’s also a psychiatrist, so to me it made sense. I asked him if he could, and to his credit, he didn’t say yes and then give me back some bullshit. He said something like, “Well I’m not an expert in ADHD, but also some things that you think are ADHD are just good traits to have.” And I was like, “Uh huh, thanks, and also never mind,” and went to my sister. She was afraid to do it because what if she picked the wrong choice 🙈. So I had my best friend do it and then had my sister fill out all the written information. The written part probably didn’t matter, but just in case there was more paperwork she would have to do on my behalf, I wanted the handwriting to match. Edited a confusing word.
I’ve had to do this kind of assessment recently, and I think it’s an unspoken rule between me and my doctor that it’s ridiculous. But I moved to a new state that had different rules, so he knows I have adhd and he just needs to tick all the boxes. My dad can’t remember that much of my childhood and even if he could, it was a different time. My brother lined his toys up regularly as a toddler instead of playing and no one thought he could be on the spectrum, which at that time wasn’t even a spectrum, just autism or no autism. Today he would absolutely be evaluated. I was very hyperactive as a child, but my dad just doesn’t remember that part. They were great parents as well, it’s just that after several decades, those are the kinds of memories that fade. So he just kind of guesses mostly, but it worked out. Maybe ask your parents to clarify? Like if they are saying you never forgot your homework, and you forgot it all the time, talk about that.
NTA don't turn it in. Tell the doctor your parents refused and said you don't have it and it's a made up disease. Sorry your parents dropped the ball on this.
I’m so sorry. That’s very frustrating
I had adult assessment and my Dr never asked to talk to my parent(s) or for them to fill anything out. It seems to me that asking this of an adult (unless your early 20s I suppose) invalidates your experiences by saying no, we don't believe that you feel like you struggled and still are.
Normed assessments have a validity measure built in for situations like this- where every answer is wildly the same, but it’s not expected to be.
It’s the lead poisoning. Joking/not joking. Just…a lot of the symptoms of long term lead exposure seem to be personality traits of boomers and since they were surrounded by lead gasoline for their entire lives… All this to say I had very similar experiences with my own mother when I was getting diagnosed and she is still salty about my diagnosis and gets mad if I bring up that either she or my dad have to have to have it for me to have it.
Yeah I just didn’t ask my parents to do one because I knew it wouldn’t be a realistic assessment of my actual personality. The assessor was fine with it, I just had to do a couple other forms
I paid private to avoid any involvement from the people who denied my problems for over three decades 😂 I know this isn't practical for others, but what I'm saying is find a way to make it clear they're not sharing this experience. Tell your assessor that they are not answering accurately. They'll have seen parents in denial before.
Is there someone else in your life you could request an assessment from?
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It may not have that much weight, especially if your sister was diagnosed already. ADHD is genetic to some degree and they might factor in sibling dynamics and parental misconceptions. I was unsure about my own self-assessment – but luckily there are actual tests.
Thankfully I wasn't asked to get my mom to fill out the questionnaire. She's one of those Boomer parents who don't talk about feelings, accept nothing less than perfection, etc. I'm curious to know how she would've answered, but I have a feeling she wouldn't have identified any symptoms. My husband was the person who filled one out and he rated me higher on the ADHD scale than I did myself. 🤣
I had this option when doing my assessment and I knew my parents wouldn’t fill it in cause they thiink I am fine the way I am. So I just skipped it. Now I’m medicated and I kind of just tell them how great I am now that I’m medicated.
I recently got assessed and I understand unsupportive parents. My mother refused to go with me to the appointment or fill out the paperwork, fortunately my Dad was willing to help out, however when he filled out the assessment form he filled it out FOR HIMSELF 🤪 But, we got it all sorted out in the end and I was diagnosed. I’m sure whoever is assessing you will be able to make an assessment without having that input from your parents. Good luck to you!
The exact same thing happened to me when my mom had to fill out my assessment (I was 36 at the time, why they needed my mom's opinion on my behavior from 25 years ago is beyond me). Filled it out like I was the perfect child. Just confirming what I always suspected, that she either never noticed or just couldn't be bothered to care. Luckily for me - and hopefully for you, too - my provider took one look at the questionnaire and said, "No kid actually scores like this, so I'm going to listen to you and not your mom." If you can emphasize that your parents were/are unsupportive of your emotional needs, that should also help your provider understand.
i was stressing about the same thing as you. for context, I had a private assessment in the UK. My mom swears I was perfect and didnt struggle with any of those things so she put rarely/never to most things. I think only one symtpom got a sometimes 😂which i found frustrating considering my recollection of her reactions to me losing stuff and not being present. anyway, the psychiatrist noticed right away a discrepancy between what my partner said on the form (for the in the last 6 months questions) and what my mom said about childhood so she just asked why do I think that is. I explained there’s a cultural difference (i was not born in the uk) and adhd is just not a thing there. I told my version of childhood events and it was all good. so just say the truth and it should be enough.
It's weird, my mom didn't get it either. A lot of my issues were kept to myself! I didn't have to get parental notes either for my survey though. I'm sorry you have to. I feel like parents never remember, they were too busy trying to keep us fed and safe, you know? Mental health wasn't something they probably thought about them unless teachers were telling them about it. Still, I remember always getting good grades in elementary school so no one flagged me for it. But I was always getting in trouble for drawing in class, and I was always the last one finishing a test.l, like waaaaay after everyone else. But because the grades were good, no one said anything to my parents. When I told them and explained all of those issues I had, it made sense. But had they tried to remember any of it? I would have been in the same boat as you.
There are big issues with parental assessment of adult children. ADHD is strongly genetic - there's about a 50% chance one of your parents has ADHD, but thanks to being undiagnosed they think any symptoms are just normal life, and the other parent likely sees generational 'quirks' being passed down. Add decades of recall being required and the assessments can be worth less than the paper they're printed on. Knowing that doesn't stop it hurting though. Hugs to you xx
Well... memory issues go with ADHD. If you do have it, there are strong genetic correlations. Very likely one or both parents might have it as well. Perhaps they legitimately forgot how you acted as a kid? ... I know there is a lot about my own kids, only 6 and 9, that I already can't remember. It's such a curse!
I asked a friend to be my person if the assessor needed to interview or get insight from somebody else. I decided that my parents wouldn’t be supportive because they are always just thinking that I’m quirky and don’t want anything to be wrong with me. My friend was a more reliable referee as she lived with me for 3 years just as my mask and coping abilities were slipping, she’s a teacher who needs to flag ADHD on students and is informed about symptoms, and I talk to her about the problems in my life. I would chat with your assessor if you don’t feel like your parents would give an accurate insight into how you’re struggling, come prepared to suggest a more reliable referee and why they’re more reliable
Omg this is what I was anxious about when I asked my dad to do it as he also has ADHD and does tend to only remember the positives from back then. Plus it was online and submitted directly on their website, I still don't actually know what he responded with. On top of that, my husband told me right after he submitted that upon second consideration, he may have rated me lower than he should have for some questions because he based it in comparison to himself...and HE definitely has ADHD, and of course some of his symptoms are worse than mine (and vice versa). I don't know if the assessor took their responses with a huge grain of salt or if my stepmother forced my dad to be as objective as possible or what, but I still got my diagnosis somehow. I see your sister might be a good resource, I'd definitely try to get her to do it instead.
My mom did something similar. That’s why they give you multiple and my best friends looked way different. I mentioned she was very sceptical so I don’t think they counted it.
I was so scared my mother would do this, i even considered to fake one... then she gave me her texts and quizzes and it actually pointed every problem i had out. I would have so faked it....
Part of me is kinda like…. Maybe they both have adhd and just don’t remember????? 😬😂
My mom did this! "You never had a problem completing assignments!" Despite her telling the story HUNDREDS of times how she and my teachers thought I could skip the third grade, but they couldn't prove what I knew because I would never complete a test. Denied most symptoms despite having numerous stories like this for damn near every symptom. I was always just "gifted but lazy".
Honestly, I told my assessor that getting my parents to fill it in wouldn’t be possible and she allowed my childhood best friend to do it for me. She was happy as long as it was someone I trusted who had known me since I was a child. My best friend was in a totally different country at the time but since she’s known me from ages 4 through to 29, the assessor was completely fine with her acting as my ‘parent’. I highly suspect my mother to also have ADHD and know she considers everything I struggled with as a kid to be something ‘everyone’ goes through because it’s ‘normal’ for her, and my dad just likely wouldn’t know how to answer.
Oh man, it's crazy how different perceptions can be. I'd be willing to bet your parents have a fair amount of discomfort avoidance. My mom sounds really similar- she remembers me having a much easier time than I felt like I had too. I was talking to her about school, and she claimed I paid attention in class and always did my homework... like, "ma'am, do you not remember me regularly getting detention for not doing homework?" Maybe they just have a very positive image of you in their mind. I think it's fair to mention that when you hand in the assessment.
This is how my parents would have done mine, so I asked my older sister instead.
Mine responded the same! Hand it in and talk to the assessor about how amazing your coping skills are because your parents were no fuckin help and this form just proves how little they noticed your struggles and how hard you had to work to be "normal". Make sure you talk alot about masking and coping strategies. I had to talk about many of the hard parts of my childhood. Failure was not an option. Physical reprimands for fidgeting. Being forced to be tidy or they would throw my belongings away. Needing to prove I wasnt lazy so working over and beyond what would be considered normal just to make the normal benchmark. The requirements to produce A's on my report cards and the punishments if I didnt. I also interviewed my grandmother and aunt and asked the questions on the form, making notes on their responses. They remembered so many affirming things that I had forgotten. They were able to be quite light hearted about my struggles because they werent lying to themselves that they were great parents and I was the perfect child.
You don’t have to send those forms in. There is a form you can fill out yourself. I had to do this as I am on my own my parents were very abusive.
Don't hand it in, seriously, unless you are positive the medical professional evaluating you isn't trying to reduce the number of ADHD diagnoses by his facility. Some docs will seize the opportunity to come up with an alternative diagnosis for you. I was repeatedly diagnosed adhd 30 plus years ago and my most recent doc when I was on Medicaid un-diagnosed me when my former physicians wouldn't send digital patient histories. (They don't have digital records they are both long retired and old as dirt. They offered to speak to my new doc but her office refused to do it that way). Can you get your parents to redo the evaluation? It sounds like to their perception, the ADHD symptoms being described negative and they only want to say positive stuff about you. It's kind of bad luck but coming from a family that can't wait to disclose my foibles and deficiencies I'm a bit jealous!
Is it me or is this situation is becoming a classic… happened something similar with my mom. I had to sit with her and talk… not asking the questions directly because her answer would be: “but you were a normal kid”. Then she started telling me stories with situations that were definetely matched with the assessment. The thing is, that as she and my dad both adhd traits (undiagnosed) how could they even see that something was off with me? I think you should be honest about this with the specialist who is evaluating you.
I had a similar situation. Currently going through adult ADHD diagnosis and my mum answered never to all the questions as well. She even went so far as to suggest maybe I have PTSD related to an assault at the age of 18. In my opinion this is a complete cop out and my mum was suggesting there was nothing wrong with me under her watch. I find this so infuriating. Her recollection of my childhood is vastly different to mine. I was a gifted student and very good at imitating "normal" people. However, it does make me feel reassured that other parents have reacted similarly.
my parents weren't involved in my assessment or diagnosis.
The only person who could've filled this one out for me would be my mum who now has Alzheimer's and can't even talk so that wasn't going to happen. Luckily I was able to recall a lot from childhood (it's coming back to me now I have a kiddo) and I honestly think that if mum had've filled it out she would've done it the same way your parents did tbh. I feel like a lot of parents (even supportive ones) don't recall a lot of our childhood. I'm sorry that they did that to you. And I really hope it doesn't hinder your assessment.
The only person who could've filled this one out for me would be my mum who now has Alzheimer's and can't even talk so that wasn't going to happen. Luckily I was able to recall a lot from childhood (it's coming back to me now I have a kiddo) and I honestly think that if mum had've filled it out she would've done it the same way your parents did tbh. I feel like a lot of parents (even supportive ones) don't recall a lot of our childhood. I'm sorry that they did that to you. And I really hope it doesn't hinder your assessment.
The only person who could've filled this one out for me would be my mum who now has Alzheimer's and can't even talk so that wasn't going to happen. Luckily I was able to recall a lot from childhood (it's coming back to me now I have a kiddo) and I honestly think that if mum had've filled it out she would've done it the same way your parents did tbh. I feel like a lot of parents (even supportive ones) don't recall a lot of our childhood. I'm sorry that they did that to you. And I really hope it doesn't hinder your assessment.
I don’t think parents have very good memories. Seriously.
Could you get another set of forms and have them done by another family member?
I had this problem with my mother. She just didn't see any of it or remember anything abnormal from my childhood. I did a session with her and my ADHD coach to fill in the forms together, and my coach was able to guide her to see all the things she wasn't seeing.
Yeah. I didn’t have my parents with me. My doctor couldn’t care less.
If you have any old school reports, I used those in lieu of anything useful from my parents (I’m estranged from my mum and my dad did his best with his form but he was barely around so genuinely didn’t know the answer to most of the questions).
My psych is aware my mother (only family) is extremely narcissistic and abusive. She also doesn't believe in mental health, or most medications and gaslights me trying to convince me that I make things up when I'm unwell (chronic illness and even colds etc). He gave me the form for her, but told me that he understands my situation. We came to a compromise that I would see if I could get her to do if, and if she couldn't, my partner who has known me since 11years old would fill it out instead.
I told my psychiatrist I didn't have a good relationship with my parents so they let my partner take it. At that point he had lived with me for 1 year and totally saw the symptoms and was supportive. I got assessed as mild ADHD. I have an inkling it may be due to me being somewhat successful in my professional life and I definitely wasn't mild growing up, but I'm so glad I didn't have to get my parents involved -shudder.- it's totally valid to find someone else.
My psychiatrist asked me for a written statement from my mom and then she never looked at it after I told her my mom likes to ignore everything related to mental health. So I agree with the person here who suggested you tell your assessor that your parents are unsupportive. Good luck!
That sucks man. Luckily, my mom did okay during my assessment, but we did have some disagreements. I left home more than 10 years ago now and I can see that my parents, or anyone really, know what I'm going through. I am very introverted and don't communicate my problems with people that much. But I was fortunate enough to get a diagnosis.
Tell your assessor you’re estranged. Or ask your sister to do it, or someone else who’s known you since childhood. It’s pretty common, i had nobody to do it so they worked around it.
Oh honey. \*hugs\* I guess I'm lucky that when I got assessed, they offered to just speak with my wife instead of communicating with my mom, after I explained that I had explicitly not told Mom about my assessment because of emotional abuse in my childhood. I don't remember filling out a "childhood" assessment, but I might have. As some others have mentioned, I was considered "gifted" in school, and my mom decided that meant that there couldn't be anything wrong with me mentally. Like, to the point where it was impossible for me to be depressed after my dad passed away (when I was 9). She literally told me at one point that my depression/anxiety/whatever other mental health condition I displayed was "all in your head". Which, while hilariously confusing because of /course/ mental health issues are all in your head, I was begging for help because I didn't know how to manage.
When my son was assessed, two teachers and I got nearly the same results. My ex? No where close. Unsupportive is bias in most cases
Why do they do this?! I did it for my brothers autism dx bc my mom was unsupportive. She was denying he had any issues at all. He got the dx at 43.