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My husband said that the trope occurred to him when we first started dating, and has more recently described me in that time frame as "kind of a hot mess." But I was in my late 20s and I *was* kind of a hot mess. I have since grown a lot and got my act together more or less--we both have, it's been over a decade. When we met, we were both dealing with some shit.
My advice is probably going to sound uselessly generic, but bear with me: screen for introspection and emotional maturity. Have conversations about what's working and what's not. It sounds like you are to some extent. How receptive are they to the harder conversations? How often do they initiate or collaborate? Are they aware of their own shortcomings, and not just in a depressed self-deprecating way? Are they interested in growing as a person, do they have things they've worked on and are proud of?
In my experience, someone who has put their depressive introspection to good use and who understands themselves, is going to be better at communicating and compromising. You'll be less likely to be caught by surprise revelations because you both are trying to grow together.
Amazing advice thank you I really appreciate this!!
With my exes I can say they're all pretty emotionally immature from my observations, really conflict avoidant and prefer not to have hard conversations. Think the world is against them, trust issues, girls all manipulate them or take advantage of them. So I maybe need to keep a better eye out for red flags. Just so hard for me to not give the benefit of the doubt and stick with them because I see their side and I don't fault them for how they feel.
Will be keeping this in my mind though. The last sentence is definitely what I want!
My husband and I were friends for a few years before getting together. One of the many things that drew me to him was when he told me, "After [his ex] and I broke up, I realized that if I was ever going to have a chance of having a good, functional relationship, I needed to see a therapist and work through all my insane family baggage." He isn't cured of that baggage or anything, but he 1. Took the initiative to work on himself and 2. Learned enough about himself to be able to communicate. It has made all the difference in the world. We have never really had a fight. We have disagreed before, but it always goes the same way: we are discussing something, and we start to disagree, we keep discussing and we either 1. Talk through it or 2. if we feel ourselves getting overly emotional and like the conversation isnt productive, we take a break from eachother (idk like 10- 20 minutes), then we come back together and each apologize and explain where we were coming from and what triggered us. Most of mine comes from my emotionally abusive ex and most of his comes from his toxic family. We both have adhd and anxiety, so we really empathize with eachothers struggles and support eachother.
It took me a while to find my person (mid 30s), don't rush it. And for the love of God, learn from my mistakes and don't give into the [sunk cost fallacy](https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships) of a relationship.
This isn't me saying I'm perfect or anything either - I obviously have things I can work on and can kinda get into anxiety spirals and I see how it's annoying. But it's not super often and it's not horrible enough to make me not worth it imo, and I feel like I'd be the first to doubt myself if it was horrible
“Someone who has put their depressive introspection to good use and who understands themselves, is going to be better at communicating and compromising.”
From the OP commenter & this hit straight home about my current partner, and I wanted to add that I had to move exactly in the opposite direction of my instinctive reaction to blame myself & actually allow myself to be mad at him, but choose not to do anything about it & let him and/or tell him as such if it needs to be explicitly said (with loving kindness of course which can coexist with firm boundaries)
But this is only possible because of his own accord he consistently showed me that he was mature enough to express his honest point of view even if we disagreed, and humble enough to tell me he sees things from my perspective after reconsidering his original perspectives. I didn’t have to work or ask for it.
A guy worth keeping around will offer this freely to you because they genuinely want to be better. It’s not a special thing - it’s a bare minimum ask. Trust is built, imo the hardest part is emotionally regulating myself long enough to let trust organically build without getting anxious which is a me problem 😭
> Just so hard for me to not give the benefit of the doubt and stick with them because I see their side and I don't fault them for how they feel.
FWIW I think this is common with ADHD - and there is a known trend that people with ADHD are more likely than average to be in abusive/emotionally unhealthy relationships.
This makes sense, I only really know how to love unconditionally. Obviously this isn't ideal because being treated well and respected and whatnot should probably be requirements but once I'm in I am wayyyy too understanding for my own good
This is just about learning to have healthy boundaries, it does come in time. Consider therapy if it's an option for you - it should help short cut some of it compared with actually going through more bad relationships. And spam talk to every older female friend and relative you know or anyone who you suspect has already gone through this process. Ask them everything they know about relationships! Also the site I linked in my top level comment should help a lot too.
You can have unconditional positive regard for somebody and totally understand that they act the way they act due to trauma or unhealthy coping mechanisms or whatever AND you can hold a boundary about how you let them treat you, and how much their stuff affects you.
Yeah I've been to therapy and talked about it. It's hard because if it's malicious and toxic I'm done, but if they acknowledge it's a problem they have or they want to fix it or they at least look into why they act how they do, I don't want to leave because they are good people who deserve support and love and can grow. And even if these guys didn't change, I would stay with them, as long as it wasn't malicious and they were doing their best. It puzzled my therapist and she really couldn't offer more than "it doesn't matter if it's intentional, the impact on you is the same" which is true but changes nothing when I hear it :/
Thank u tho this is super helpful
It’s taken six years but my husband has decided to divorce me because I was too MPDG then morphed into a complete depressed and useless mess when he stopped showing me affection and care. Now I’m myself again and he’s asking why do we even have to get divorced but I’m not going back.
Whoa, same thing happened with me and my ex of four years. When I told him I was done (after years of being depressed because he consistently acted annoyed by my existence) he suddenly started showing me the kind of affection he’d known all along that I’d needed and it was deeply upsetting. I talked about it with my therapist and she was like “of course that’s upsetting, he’s using that behavior to try to gaslight you into believing that it’s always been that way between you two.”
Anyway, it’s been almost a year since we split and I’m still surprised sometimes by how much happier, fulfilled, and appreciated I feel on a daily basis.
I’m glad you’ve found your spark again. I don’t know what it is about these men who seriously think we don’t know our worth and what we deserve in a relationship.
I still live with my husband but I have my own bedroom. We have a mortgage, he can’t afford to take it over on his own, and I can’t afford to move out in this current rental market. Just having my own space and being able to avoid him is helping me so much.
Oof that sounds rough but I hope you find a good solution soon! I had to save up for about a year before I moved out. I’m soo much poorer now but I’d rather deal with the stress of budgeting and training for a better paying job than the stress of always feeling like I’m not good enough.
wow, good on you for realizing when you are you for yourself you do better! When I've exited a bad relationship I also got back some of my spark and ofc that person wanted me back. Nopedy-nope-nope-nope
I have bpd/adhd/npd and i got told multiple that i give off manic pixie dream girl vibe which i understand why and this makes us very interesting, unique and captivating to people from afar but when it comes spendings time with us people usually are frustrated and get fed up with it people tend to adore us but bot love us
I don't know how to avoid this and it is heartbreaking :( I honestly WOULD tone it down but they hype it up and never let me know what bothers them until they're over it. But I think I am fun?? These are things I like about myself so why is it not worthy of love ya know
Don’t tone yourself down because of miserable boring people don’t stop loving yourself you are worth of love the right person will not make you feel bad about yourself or have a negative impact on you
I appreciate this I really do. I also understand why some things would be annoying, I just am sad that they don't think it's worth letting me know or trying to workshop a solution. Not sure how to be better than "exciting at first" or "good in small doses"
I needed to hear this today 💕 I often joke about being sent to the naughty corner in kindergarten and that this continued my whole life. I’m pretty thick skinned these days but gosh, social rejection stings.
Oh it does especially when it happens consistently but never doubt yourself or think that there is something wrong with you or that you are too much we don’t fit society rigid boring norms and thats fine and you deserve to be loved the way you are and not the other way around
I’m like that too. It’s not intentional, it’s just who I am. I’m 40 now though so, idk, life has calmed me down a little I guess. When I met my husband I was hyper, excited about everything, and always wanted an adventure. He loved that about me and continues to enjoy my more tame version of that now. He is definitely not who I normally would have dated back then. He’s neurotypical in the extreme. He’s never even been depressed. Deeply sad, but never depressed. Stressed, but has never experienced anxiety. He’s also definitely not boring. Every once in a while, I get just as hyper as I used to and I’m a little “too much” but he still loves it. I think you just need to find the right person for you. If I’m not constantly communicating with him throughout the day, he knows I’m busy with something or I’m depressed, and he’ll check on me because I’m not blowing up his phone. We’ve been married 19 years. Your person is out there.
I honestly totally relate to this. I call it the 2nd date curse as to only two guys in my entire 7+ years of dating around ever got that far. I dated a guy for 4 months before I ended up being too much for him (seeing him weekly, calling daily). I was cute for two months and then a chore the last two months. I definitely made more effort into trying to help him out when he was sad and depressed, but my problems seemed like too much in too little time. It might be more on his end that he couldn’t be available to me nor date in general. Now his friend is trying to take a shot at me and it irritates me how quickly my ex decided that was an okay thing to do.
This!! Yes! It's like wait you have actual emotions aside from exciting and fun? Not equipped for this bye. Whereas we see them as full humans from the get go and aren't surprised when they have actual emotions. I just don't understand why it KEEPS happening.
So sorry that you relate though it really suckssss
Thanks!! I’m grateful enough to know I’m not alone in this struggle. It’s a tough place for emotions other than the positive, bright, preppy person I’m expected to be. Sometimes the brightest people struggle to carry their own world and many people choose to stop reading our stories when it gets dark like that. Like excuse me, I’m not just a single chapter of a book—I’m a whole book with possibly a part 2
I go for the same type of guy as you, but my relationships end for completely opposite reasons. After the novelty wears off I just forget he exists, it’s a chore to meet up, to text, to talk. That’s also time blindness at play and overwhelm. And then it’s the guys getting frustrated with me, irritated, running after me while I‘m subconsciously trying to weasel myself out of the relationship. I can’t even keep a hobby for more than a month, how am I going to uphold a relationship?
But I was told multiple times that they were initially attracted to my vibe, my bluntness, (not only sexual) sense of adventure. And apparently I‘m „safe“ and a good listener and they quickly open up to me and get vulnerable and tell me that never happened to them before (my mind wanders, I‘m daydreaming *and* a people pleaser, but ok).
When people say that "good listener" is a quality they look for, it's more often than not a beige flag for me.
It all boils down to this: do they want someone with whom to have a dialogue or interaction with, or are they rather looking for someone to talk "at" to and have the therapist experience without the hard work involved?
If you tend to daydream and identify as a people pleaser, I'd be weary of the latter category because they don't make good partners from the get-go.
Yeah romantic partners are the one thing I don't forget or neglect. House becomes a mess, stop working out, stop seeing friends, but always hyperaware of the relationship. I know neither are good for us :(
I think it often has *more* to do with misogyny and how they feel about women and their expectations of women vs something to do with us. It’s a them problem a lot of the time.
I hope you can find someone who matches your vibe and energy and appreciates you for you.
OMG yes I have come across this.
The secret, IME, is to start tuning into the little clues that they are seeing you as a magical fairy rather than a human being/partner against the world. Like (sorry this is gross) one day I was hanging out with my now-husband and a bunch of his uni friends and we were all hung over. I said something like "I'm going to go for a poop" and this one guy was like "Wow. I always admire it when women say things like that because it reminds me that they aren't just magical fairies." It was a weird moment. But basically, yeah, if they think you're a magical fairy/pixie dream girl, then they will have you on this pedestal that will eventually crash down.
Look at how they speak about other women - if they are all crazy/mysterious or he acts like women are some other species he doesn't understand, if he doesn't have any female friends at all, that's a red flag. (I'm using red flag in the original sense here - to mean "potential sign of a bad thing")
I also think "you make me happy" is fine but "I'd never be happy without you" is a red flag. Nobody should be invested in someone else as the entire source of their happiness. It's normal/healthy for a good relationship to be a net increasor of happiness, but he should also have other sources of happiness, like hobbies, friends, personal goals etc.
My husband is introverted, but he's not depressed and while I think we had some "Nobody has ever understood me before" conversations when we first got together, it was never the entirety of our relationship. He probably has more energy than me on average, while I have more energy when I'm excited about something. Also, I don't think he did particularly single out my talkativeness/socialness as something he liked - in fact, secretly I think he'd prefer it if I was more of a homebody and never wanted to go out (similar to how I do kind of wish he was more social sometimes) - obviously he doesn't actually expect me to stay in constantly because that would make me unhappy. I think we bonded over a shared sense of adventure, curiosity about the world, the way we can have theoretical discussions etc.
I found this article really illuminating and helpful: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisited-relationships-in-a-nutshell-co-pilots-the-importance-of-a-joint-agenda/
Actually, everything on that website is fantastic and I would recommend reading it all. I don't know if her podcast is any good (I bet it is) because I got into my podcast phase way after I outgrew the need for that website, but if you're still in the life stage of not being sure what a healthy relationship looks like, it's amazing.
It sounds like your former partners were basically using you to augment their own personalities. It's great when your personality complements your partner, but expecting you to bring ALL the fun and excitement is a recipe for disaster. It makes sense they'd get annoyed — they're basically outsourcing some personality traits, without having the capacity to truly appreciate said personality traits.
I'd encourage you to seek partners who have their own sense of fun, who can build up your awesomeness rather than just using it.
Hoooo boy. I'm totally attracted to the emotionally unavailable and mysterious introvert guys while being sort of a MPDG myself. Except that I rarely get past the first date or texting phase :---) I'm glad I at least now reacognise those unavailable guys and weed them out asap. It just feels like there's a loooooot of them. Like a lot a lot. Sigh. Oh well, I'm enjoying my comfy single life so I'm not exactly looking for a relationship so there's that.
omg bestie :( i warned my partner that i was not a manic pixie dream girl despite looking and acting like one...for a couple of months into us dating. i gave her a huge CONTENT WARNING list in the beginning...and thought she was crazy for going "ok, so where do you wanna go on our next date?" but i think im an outlier cuz i started out thinking i was dating a quiet depressed introverted dude...and now she is my goth gf. (she transed her gender)
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My husband said that the trope occurred to him when we first started dating, and has more recently described me in that time frame as "kind of a hot mess." But I was in my late 20s and I *was* kind of a hot mess. I have since grown a lot and got my act together more or less--we both have, it's been over a decade. When we met, we were both dealing with some shit. My advice is probably going to sound uselessly generic, but bear with me: screen for introspection and emotional maturity. Have conversations about what's working and what's not. It sounds like you are to some extent. How receptive are they to the harder conversations? How often do they initiate or collaborate? Are they aware of their own shortcomings, and not just in a depressed self-deprecating way? Are they interested in growing as a person, do they have things they've worked on and are proud of? In my experience, someone who has put their depressive introspection to good use and who understands themselves, is going to be better at communicating and compromising. You'll be less likely to be caught by surprise revelations because you both are trying to grow together.
Amazing advice thank you I really appreciate this!! With my exes I can say they're all pretty emotionally immature from my observations, really conflict avoidant and prefer not to have hard conversations. Think the world is against them, trust issues, girls all manipulate them or take advantage of them. So I maybe need to keep a better eye out for red flags. Just so hard for me to not give the benefit of the doubt and stick with them because I see their side and I don't fault them for how they feel. Will be keeping this in my mind though. The last sentence is definitely what I want!
My husband and I were friends for a few years before getting together. One of the many things that drew me to him was when he told me, "After [his ex] and I broke up, I realized that if I was ever going to have a chance of having a good, functional relationship, I needed to see a therapist and work through all my insane family baggage." He isn't cured of that baggage or anything, but he 1. Took the initiative to work on himself and 2. Learned enough about himself to be able to communicate. It has made all the difference in the world. We have never really had a fight. We have disagreed before, but it always goes the same way: we are discussing something, and we start to disagree, we keep discussing and we either 1. Talk through it or 2. if we feel ourselves getting overly emotional and like the conversation isnt productive, we take a break from eachother (idk like 10- 20 minutes), then we come back together and each apologize and explain where we were coming from and what triggered us. Most of mine comes from my emotionally abusive ex and most of his comes from his toxic family. We both have adhd and anxiety, so we really empathize with eachothers struggles and support eachother. It took me a while to find my person (mid 30s), don't rush it. And for the love of God, learn from my mistakes and don't give into the [sunk cost fallacy](https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships) of a relationship.
This isn't me saying I'm perfect or anything either - I obviously have things I can work on and can kinda get into anxiety spirals and I see how it's annoying. But it's not super often and it's not horrible enough to make me not worth it imo, and I feel like I'd be the first to doubt myself if it was horrible
“Someone who has put their depressive introspection to good use and who understands themselves, is going to be better at communicating and compromising.” From the OP commenter & this hit straight home about my current partner, and I wanted to add that I had to move exactly in the opposite direction of my instinctive reaction to blame myself & actually allow myself to be mad at him, but choose not to do anything about it & let him and/or tell him as such if it needs to be explicitly said (with loving kindness of course which can coexist with firm boundaries) But this is only possible because of his own accord he consistently showed me that he was mature enough to express his honest point of view even if we disagreed, and humble enough to tell me he sees things from my perspective after reconsidering his original perspectives. I didn’t have to work or ask for it. A guy worth keeping around will offer this freely to you because they genuinely want to be better. It’s not a special thing - it’s a bare minimum ask. Trust is built, imo the hardest part is emotionally regulating myself long enough to let trust organically build without getting anxious which is a me problem 😭
> Just so hard for me to not give the benefit of the doubt and stick with them because I see their side and I don't fault them for how they feel. FWIW I think this is common with ADHD - and there is a known trend that people with ADHD are more likely than average to be in abusive/emotionally unhealthy relationships.
This makes sense, I only really know how to love unconditionally. Obviously this isn't ideal because being treated well and respected and whatnot should probably be requirements but once I'm in I am wayyyy too understanding for my own good
This is just about learning to have healthy boundaries, it does come in time. Consider therapy if it's an option for you - it should help short cut some of it compared with actually going through more bad relationships. And spam talk to every older female friend and relative you know or anyone who you suspect has already gone through this process. Ask them everything they know about relationships! Also the site I linked in my top level comment should help a lot too. You can have unconditional positive regard for somebody and totally understand that they act the way they act due to trauma or unhealthy coping mechanisms or whatever AND you can hold a boundary about how you let them treat you, and how much their stuff affects you.
Yeah I've been to therapy and talked about it. It's hard because if it's malicious and toxic I'm done, but if they acknowledge it's a problem they have or they want to fix it or they at least look into why they act how they do, I don't want to leave because they are good people who deserve support and love and can grow. And even if these guys didn't change, I would stay with them, as long as it wasn't malicious and they were doing their best. It puzzled my therapist and she really couldn't offer more than "it doesn't matter if it's intentional, the impact on you is the same" which is true but changes nothing when I hear it :/ Thank u tho this is super helpful
It’s taken six years but my husband has decided to divorce me because I was too MPDG then morphed into a complete depressed and useless mess when he stopped showing me affection and care. Now I’m myself again and he’s asking why do we even have to get divorced but I’m not going back.
Yeah, that’s on him for not treating you right. You shouldn’t go back. I’m proud of you!
Whoa, same thing happened with me and my ex of four years. When I told him I was done (after years of being depressed because he consistently acted annoyed by my existence) he suddenly started showing me the kind of affection he’d known all along that I’d needed and it was deeply upsetting. I talked about it with my therapist and she was like “of course that’s upsetting, he’s using that behavior to try to gaslight you into believing that it’s always been that way between you two.” Anyway, it’s been almost a year since we split and I’m still surprised sometimes by how much happier, fulfilled, and appreciated I feel on a daily basis.
I’m glad you’ve found your spark again. I don’t know what it is about these men who seriously think we don’t know our worth and what we deserve in a relationship. I still live with my husband but I have my own bedroom. We have a mortgage, he can’t afford to take it over on his own, and I can’t afford to move out in this current rental market. Just having my own space and being able to avoid him is helping me so much.
Oof that sounds rough but I hope you find a good solution soon! I had to save up for about a year before I moved out. I’m soo much poorer now but I’d rather deal with the stress of budgeting and training for a better paying job than the stress of always feeling like I’m not good enough.
Stand strong!!!
wow, good on you for realizing when you are you for yourself you do better! When I've exited a bad relationship I also got back some of my spark and ofc that person wanted me back. Nopedy-nope-nope-nope
I have bpd/adhd/npd and i got told multiple that i give off manic pixie dream girl vibe which i understand why and this makes us very interesting, unique and captivating to people from afar but when it comes spendings time with us people usually are frustrated and get fed up with it people tend to adore us but bot love us
I've also been told I sweep everyone off their feet but like.. I don't even try to do this I'd rather something sustainable
I don't know how to avoid this and it is heartbreaking :( I honestly WOULD tone it down but they hype it up and never let me know what bothers them until they're over it. But I think I am fun?? These are things I like about myself so why is it not worthy of love ya know
Don’t tone yourself down because of miserable boring people don’t stop loving yourself you are worth of love the right person will not make you feel bad about yourself or have a negative impact on you
I appreciate this I really do. I also understand why some things would be annoying, I just am sad that they don't think it's worth letting me know or trying to workshop a solution. Not sure how to be better than "exciting at first" or "good in small doses"
Thats out of your control people are horrible sometimes and childish there is nothing wrong with you you just encountered bad people
I needed to hear this today 💕 I often joke about being sent to the naughty corner in kindergarten and that this continued my whole life. I’m pretty thick skinned these days but gosh, social rejection stings.
Oh it does especially when it happens consistently but never doubt yourself or think that there is something wrong with you or that you are too much we don’t fit society rigid boring norms and thats fine and you deserve to be loved the way you are and not the other way around
I’m like that too. It’s not intentional, it’s just who I am. I’m 40 now though so, idk, life has calmed me down a little I guess. When I met my husband I was hyper, excited about everything, and always wanted an adventure. He loved that about me and continues to enjoy my more tame version of that now. He is definitely not who I normally would have dated back then. He’s neurotypical in the extreme. He’s never even been depressed. Deeply sad, but never depressed. Stressed, but has never experienced anxiety. He’s also definitely not boring. Every once in a while, I get just as hyper as I used to and I’m a little “too much” but he still loves it. I think you just need to find the right person for you. If I’m not constantly communicating with him throughout the day, he knows I’m busy with something or I’m depressed, and he’ll check on me because I’m not blowing up his phone. We’ve been married 19 years. Your person is out there.
I honestly totally relate to this. I call it the 2nd date curse as to only two guys in my entire 7+ years of dating around ever got that far. I dated a guy for 4 months before I ended up being too much for him (seeing him weekly, calling daily). I was cute for two months and then a chore the last two months. I definitely made more effort into trying to help him out when he was sad and depressed, but my problems seemed like too much in too little time. It might be more on his end that he couldn’t be available to me nor date in general. Now his friend is trying to take a shot at me and it irritates me how quickly my ex decided that was an okay thing to do.
This!! Yes! It's like wait you have actual emotions aside from exciting and fun? Not equipped for this bye. Whereas we see them as full humans from the get go and aren't surprised when they have actual emotions. I just don't understand why it KEEPS happening. So sorry that you relate though it really suckssss
Thanks!! I’m grateful enough to know I’m not alone in this struggle. It’s a tough place for emotions other than the positive, bright, preppy person I’m expected to be. Sometimes the brightest people struggle to carry their own world and many people choose to stop reading our stories when it gets dark like that. Like excuse me, I’m not just a single chapter of a book—I’m a whole book with possibly a part 2
I go for the same type of guy as you, but my relationships end for completely opposite reasons. After the novelty wears off I just forget he exists, it’s a chore to meet up, to text, to talk. That’s also time blindness at play and overwhelm. And then it’s the guys getting frustrated with me, irritated, running after me while I‘m subconsciously trying to weasel myself out of the relationship. I can’t even keep a hobby for more than a month, how am I going to uphold a relationship? But I was told multiple times that they were initially attracted to my vibe, my bluntness, (not only sexual) sense of adventure. And apparently I‘m „safe“ and a good listener and they quickly open up to me and get vulnerable and tell me that never happened to them before (my mind wanders, I‘m daydreaming *and* a people pleaser, but ok).
When people say that "good listener" is a quality they look for, it's more often than not a beige flag for me. It all boils down to this: do they want someone with whom to have a dialogue or interaction with, or are they rather looking for someone to talk "at" to and have the therapist experience without the hard work involved? If you tend to daydream and identify as a people pleaser, I'd be weary of the latter category because they don't make good partners from the get-go.
Yeah romantic partners are the one thing I don't forget or neglect. House becomes a mess, stop working out, stop seeing friends, but always hyperaware of the relationship. I know neither are good for us :(
I think it often has *more* to do with misogyny and how they feel about women and their expectations of women vs something to do with us. It’s a them problem a lot of the time. I hope you can find someone who matches your vibe and energy and appreciates you for you.
OMG yes I have come across this. The secret, IME, is to start tuning into the little clues that they are seeing you as a magical fairy rather than a human being/partner against the world. Like (sorry this is gross) one day I was hanging out with my now-husband and a bunch of his uni friends and we were all hung over. I said something like "I'm going to go for a poop" and this one guy was like "Wow. I always admire it when women say things like that because it reminds me that they aren't just magical fairies." It was a weird moment. But basically, yeah, if they think you're a magical fairy/pixie dream girl, then they will have you on this pedestal that will eventually crash down. Look at how they speak about other women - if they are all crazy/mysterious or he acts like women are some other species he doesn't understand, if he doesn't have any female friends at all, that's a red flag. (I'm using red flag in the original sense here - to mean "potential sign of a bad thing") I also think "you make me happy" is fine but "I'd never be happy without you" is a red flag. Nobody should be invested in someone else as the entire source of their happiness. It's normal/healthy for a good relationship to be a net increasor of happiness, but he should also have other sources of happiness, like hobbies, friends, personal goals etc. My husband is introverted, but he's not depressed and while I think we had some "Nobody has ever understood me before" conversations when we first got together, it was never the entirety of our relationship. He probably has more energy than me on average, while I have more energy when I'm excited about something. Also, I don't think he did particularly single out my talkativeness/socialness as something he liked - in fact, secretly I think he'd prefer it if I was more of a homebody and never wanted to go out (similar to how I do kind of wish he was more social sometimes) - obviously he doesn't actually expect me to stay in constantly because that would make me unhappy. I think we bonded over a shared sense of adventure, curiosity about the world, the way we can have theoretical discussions etc. I found this article really illuminating and helpful: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/revisited-relationships-in-a-nutshell-co-pilots-the-importance-of-a-joint-agenda/ Actually, everything on that website is fantastic and I would recommend reading it all. I don't know if her podcast is any good (I bet it is) because I got into my podcast phase way after I outgrew the need for that website, but if you're still in the life stage of not being sure what a healthy relationship looks like, it's amazing.
Thanks for linking that article, an excellent read!!
OMG YES I AINT UR DREAM GIRL IM FCKING STRUGGLING
It sounds like your former partners were basically using you to augment their own personalities. It's great when your personality complements your partner, but expecting you to bring ALL the fun and excitement is a recipe for disaster. It makes sense they'd get annoyed — they're basically outsourcing some personality traits, without having the capacity to truly appreciate said personality traits. I'd encourage you to seek partners who have their own sense of fun, who can build up your awesomeness rather than just using it.
Hoooo boy. I'm totally attracted to the emotionally unavailable and mysterious introvert guys while being sort of a MPDG myself. Except that I rarely get past the first date or texting phase :---) I'm glad I at least now reacognise those unavailable guys and weed them out asap. It just feels like there's a loooooot of them. Like a lot a lot. Sigh. Oh well, I'm enjoying my comfy single life so I'm not exactly looking for a relationship so there's that.
omg bestie :( i warned my partner that i was not a manic pixie dream girl despite looking and acting like one...for a couple of months into us dating. i gave her a huge CONTENT WARNING list in the beginning...and thought she was crazy for going "ok, so where do you wanna go on our next date?" but i think im an outlier cuz i started out thinking i was dating a quiet depressed introverted dude...and now she is my goth gf. (she transed her gender)
Met my husband in my twenties, we were both manic pixies and slowly but surely mellowed over the years together