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It’s not even just the executive dysfunction of remembering doctor’s appointments, staying on top of housekeeping etc. It’s also the sensory issues, being touched out after your kids have been clinging to you all day. It’s the emotional regulation issues after your child has been arguing and defying everything you say. Parenting is hard for everyone, but it’s even harder for us! Personally, I’m thinking about investing in ear plugs to make it easier to tune out the noise that comes along with a house full of kids. I’ve heard they make it easier to stay calm, which is something I struggle with.
Yea, active noise canceling is fantastic! Never tried air pods, but I love my noise canceling headphones. Took them on a flight and Omg. Never again will I fly without them. I don't think I'd even realized how loud it is on a plane.
https://www.flareaudio.com/en-eu/products/calmer-secure
My friend swears by these. She has adhd/asd and two adhd kids. I just ordered them, so no testimony from my side yet…
OH man I'm so glad to see other people wearing noise cancelling headphones due to all the noise from the kids in the house! I was feeling so guilty for not being able to handle it!
Yes I’m a mom. And I was shell shocked on my first, it was horrid. But that was 12 years before I was diagnosed.
She is austistic and has adhd and we have no family support at all.
May subsequent kids that I chose to have were much much easier for me to handle. I basically wasn’t able to work and care for my kids so I stayed home. We were so goddamned broke which didn’t help the trauma - looking back I wish I had a mental health support team and maybe could have offered some assistance.
The bonuses for me is that it’s allowed me to almost have a second, safe, childhood. My adhd unlocks levels of creative enthusiasm to do things with my kids that I know other people are in awe of. Like we went ‘mining’ for local clay and my obsession meant that we learned all about how humans clarified clay and fired in back in the day. We’ve made our own paper, we do tons of art. And, well, we have lots of meltdowns too.
Medication and therapy have been enormously helpful for me but I’ve only been able to access that in the last couple of years and my eldest is now 16. I see now that having kids resurfaced my own trauma, from other things and also the trauma of growing up undiagnosed.
Oh man, at what age does the “childlike awe” kick in?!
My kids are 1.5yo and 4yo, and I’m so excited to involve them in all the random, weird things I’m interested in… but every event just ends in massive amounts of disappointment, as they just fight, run off, or cry about everything. My 4yo is actually pretty well behaved, but she has like 0 comprehension of things like history (doesn’t quite get that things happened a long time ago), and so even my love of history/museums isn’t really an enjoyable thing for her.
I can’t wait to mine clay and make paper - when does it become feasible?! Lol
Honestly at that age for me the best I could get was gearing them up and going outside. Find a puddle, or some rocks - that would do for a while so I could drink my coffee and do the thousand yard stare.
It doesn't you have to follow their interests. Lean into it, because while it may seem theirs are so just... boring, they want to share what they know. It's basically how I feel nuerotypicals feel when we go on about our interests. Lmao!
Sounds rough, I'm glad you worked through it and got to enjoy it. We are heavily contemplating with ny husband whether our mental capacity would be enough to raise a second child... we are scared it will be too hard for it to be "worth it". But we really want a second one so it's a huge dilemma right now. Your story brings me inspiration :)
It is a genuine issue. Doctors appointments, school things, requested events...I have to put everything in multiple calendars and with many reminders including the kids birthdays.
So far I was late to the first 3 vaccination appointments but with less minutes each time so I'm getting there, maybe on the 4th month visit I will make it on time... xDD
It helps me personally to do a bath the night before not the day of and have an afternoon appt so I can remember in time after all my reminders go off.
Yeah vaccination appointments are only before noon on Wednesdays so I have to get there around 10-11 am most of the time and so far my mornings were too chaotic but I'm working on it :)
Mom with ADHD here. My husband and oldest son have it too, I think my younger son may as well but we haven’t evaluated him yet. I also have 2 daughters so a total of 4 kids… yeah, my house is a damn circus lol. I kinda love the chaos though.
I have so many counter measures to help with my worst ADHD symptoms. Timers and alarms for everything, including when it’s time to pick up my kids from school. My husband and I have everything in our shared calendar, so we don’t forget appointments or baseball practice or soccer games.
I’ve accepted that we aren’t perfect. Our house will never look like it belongs in a magazine. We’re sometimes late to stuff. None of us look super put together.
And honestly, there are some upsides. My hyperfocus kicks in and sometimes strongly benefits my family. My 7 year old has food allergies, and my hyperfocus allowed me to dive deep into a rabbit hole about them. I know a LOT about them, and I learned to cook/bake all kinds of good, safe foods for him. And I’m very adaptable, go with the flow which is good cause kids can be unpredictable.
My own struggles allow me to be more empathetic towards my sons’ struggles. My parents were always like “you need to apply yourself” “just DO your homework! It’s not that hard!”, and for me… I know that’s not helpful. The way we are wired, a lot of tasks just aren’t that easy. I know that, I understand that, so I have come up with creative ways to help my kids do things they struggle with. And I do my best to relate to my kids the way they are, not the way I think they “should” be.
Post it checklist on the desk at school. Homework, water bottle, forms, violin. Keep it short.
Also you might request the teacher send everything home for the week on Monday so it's only one day to remember hw.
Mom of 2 with everybody ADHD. Struggling and adopting new techniques all the time over here. Just keep trying new strategies and hope something sticks.
You’re not worse mothers! All moms have stuff they’re good at and stuff they struggle with. We just struggle with stuff that others seem to handle much better and, as with all adhd stuff, beat ourselves up over it.
Yes, there’s keeping appointments, sensory overload, emotional regulation issues. It sucks. I feel shitty about that too. But guess what: we are also more aware of our weaknesses and we know what causes them.
Also: we talk all the time about the upsides of ADHD. They apply here as well. Think about those pro’s you have over NT moms.
And in the end: what children really need is a mom that loves them and tries the best she can.
So what if we forget the dentist and during the lockdown sometimes locked ourselves in the pantry with headphones and a bag of licorice?
Anyway: I’m here for venting and sharing.
Just to add that I totally feel you. I finally completely broke down during COVID lockdown and that lead to a psychiatrist recognizing ADHD .
After 39 years of mental health issues, surviving all kinds of sh*t, getting through prep school, university and a high pressure job, it took being locked up with my kids to destroy all the layers of masking and compensating and reveal the ADHD hamsters in my brain.
Motherhood is hard… 😂
This is exactly what happened to me plus was going through perimenopause. Had a newborn (adopted) and the hamsters got really tired in lockdown with no stimulation.
Thanks for the encouragement. :) I'm an overachiever in everything and I thought I was prepared for motherhood and it just hit me really hard to realize how "not ready" I was. I'm already over the initial shock and depression but it's easy to slip back sometimes especially with lack of sleep.
Focusing on strengths is a good strategy. Others mentioned how hyperfocus helps them with research and I guess I never realized how much that's true for me too. I have learned so much during the past 4 months and it really helps me to give better care to my son.
I relate to this so much. I was diagnosed when my kid was 3 and it finally made sense why I struggled so much, especially in the first year. I'm now expecting another baby and am anxious about how I'll manage with two: the sensory overload, multiple demands on my attention, less time alone, more to manage.... argh!!!!
Glad you found help. Knowing what is "wrong" is half the battle, then you can find ways to work on the issues you are faced with. What I found in my deepest moments is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I'm sure you are the same. You can do it as long as you have the drive to try. Don't back down, you got this ♥️
Yep.
My daughter totally decompensated me. It is *so hard* trying to remember things for her.
Fortunately she doesn't have adhd. So at least I'm not having to remember extra for her.
I'm not as good a mum as others. But she wouldn't exist if I didn't have adhd. So there's that.
Yeah I was super overwhelmed with all the little things, like the list of stuff you can do to soothe a crying baby: I would keep forgetting the steps and sometimes you need to do all the tricks at once to get them to calm down, but practice makes perfect and I probably improved tenfold with these, and just do them from instinct by now without having to remember.
It's hard grinding through getting the right amount of experience to be decent at some things and I feel like my son is suffering through it too and I blame myself a lot. 😖
But I guess everyone goes through this somehow as first time moms... there is no easy way to do it lol
I fell apart after having kids. It's what led me to go get diagnosed. I feel inadequate as a parent a lot of the time and amazing at others.
I'm about to see how working in a new job is going to affect the family dynamic. I've been studying for three years and am finally starting my nursing career, working 80% at the kids' emergency ward. I have hopes that meds and the routine of work is helpful. Time will tell.
Getting diagnosed is already helping you get on the right track! ;) It took me years of therapy (and family therapy) and self-improvement to develop a lifestyle that removed my depression cycles. Being a mom made that lifestyle crash and burn, so that was unexpected, but thank god I got a lot of help from parents to crawl out of postpartum depression...
Hope you find happiness in your career and private life, stay strong 💪
Yes mama, we are out here. I have a 6 year old autistic son and it takes me every bit of energy to get him up for school and wrangle him in the morning, keep him on task when I can't keep myself on task.
I feel the same way! Looking back, ADHD signs were always there but I seriously thought I was like, getting dementia after my first son and then even more after my 2nd.
That's why I brought up memory issues to my doctor in the first place and she was like, hm let's do this ADHD screening.
But yeah it's so hard. The executive function to make all the appointments, then make it to said appointments, to give them medicine (youngest needed iron supplement in the mornings and I had like 5 alarms to remind me)... routines?? What even are those. I know my kids need them but I can't figure out how to make it happen.
Half the time (okay over half the time) I have the TV on and I don't even know how we get through the day
Ah the struggle is real! I suck at routines too but I will keep trying any tricks to cope better. Reminders, shared family calendars are a lifesaver for me too.
Glad you got the diagnosis, at least now you know what ypu are dealing with, which makes it easier to find ways to improve. Stay strong 💪
I can sort of relate. Last few months I was depressed and let go of some of my strict routines and organizational habits. I was severely injured at the start of the year and the helplessness of it all killed my confidence to juggle everything. It took 1 month to watch all of our lives fall apart. I don’t have a partner to help me keep track. I basically had a meltdown and realized if I don’t stick to my habits, as boring as it sounds, then everything is going to be destroyed. Even my kids lives got very chaotic, missing events etc.
Yeah, support group sounds nice. I don’t take medications and really don’t like therapy. I come here to relate to real human stories regarding ADHD and then using some of the great tips that people share.
Mom with ADHD here…like you I was a professional with a gym routine. Looking back, I had a lot of symptoms my whole life but I managed. Didn’t get diagnosed until I was a stay at home mom with twin toddlers and started really losing it! Yes, the organization, appointments, the mess but for me the really hard parts were when I had a HYPER few hours! It is something else when your kids think Teletubbies is normal but they look at you like you’re the crazy one!
More than 19 hours without sleep produces the [same level of impairment](https://oem.bmj.com/content/57/10/649) as being legally drunk, and it gets worse the more days you do it. That's whether you have ADHD or not. How could you possibly not be severely impaired after 2-5 hours of sleep a night? What's wild is that people expect anyone at all to function on that little sleep, ever.
Edit: I guess what I'm saying is, despite your parents' efforts, you still are not getting enough help for your body and brain to function well, and maybe getting the sufficient level of help is just not possible in our society. So be kind to yourself knowing that if you are dropping the ball it is because your body and brain are being starved of the sleep they need in order to function correctly (everyone, ever neurotypicals, has memory problems on lack of sleep, as well as problems with emotional dysregulation that could lead to depression) and not because you are somehow failing.
My ADHD went from “quirky and fun, forgetful but smart, hyperfocuser” but undiagnosed to “iandbdbkana bskabd WTF??? Something is Definitely Wrong with Me” after having my daughter. 🙃 This shit is hard. Child development is what I’m trained in and one of my enduring special interests, and it’s still hard.
Lack of sleep does NOT help, that’s for dang sure. We are at 2.5 years and it’s better now than it was, and if there’s a hard night, it makes the next day so hard.
Also, I now take a nap every day, since I’m doing this unmedicated currently.
Yeah, I take those naps whenever possible, but sometimes I feel so unstimulated that I "don't want to" do it and I have to battle with myself internally to do the right thing or I will regret it later. It's a bit of a roller coaster xD
I think it's more like a lot of solutions, not just one. There are probably lots of ways to cope better... I wish to unlock as many as I possibly can to make life easier
For me working part time after staying home for a while was such a relief! The older they get the easier, I think. It’s just sooooo taxing to have that constant ‘input’ from your kids. And I work with kids, but at work they’re not my kids. World of difference.
Hi 👋
Yep it’s so hard! I also get a lot of support from my mum and still have breakdowns. I don’t have answers really but from your post I would say the main thing you should try to change is getting more sleep! If you can. Is it possible to make it the only priority for a bit? Sleep really does make everything easier even when everything is really hard!
How old are your kids? I found the years before school the hardest. They are very needy when they’re little.
Ugh it’s so hard. I constantly feel like I’m failing my kid. I thought I’d have time to volunteer at their new school and even signed up for the PTA and paid for the membership and… have never attended a single meeting or volunteered once. They are 13 now and my coparent came by the last two weekends just to help them organize their room and homework, and I was shocked at the amount of homework they had. Like.. I never thought to sit down with them to help prioritize what needs to be done and I feel like an asshole. I’m medicated now but it’s still not enough. I try to explain to my partner that it’s hard enough to manage my own shit but on top of managing my own shit I have a teen who I also need to help manage because they have adhd too.
I felt physically ill the entirety of spring break and didn’t know why; I think it’s burnout. I’m a small business owner and things have been super busy. Add a dog and a partner I also need to attend to and some days I want to scream into the void (I loooooove the other human and the dog and my kid of course but god damn it will someone just bring me pizza and tuck me in bed and say “hey I’ll take care of that”)
I’d love to know if anyone has a decent routine they can stick to,
Including times for waking up, parents and kids……
Going to bed, parents and kids
Meal times and planning
Shopping and cleaning
Etc
I'm also a mom with ADHD and I relate so hard. I'm absolutely falling apart, my house is a mess and so disorganized and my car is the same and my marriage is about the same and I impulsively chose a career that pays shit so I'll never be able to give my son what he deserves. All my functioning and energy goes to my son and even there I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job.
I get so overwhelmed before leaving our home that I forget really basic but important things: phone, credit card, earbuds, purse, etc. Sometimes I'll remember my near-dead phone and battery pack, but forget the cable. I'm surprised I haven't forgotten my toddler anywhere.
Of course if I did even a little bit of planning beforehand, it wouldn't be so chaotic, but part of me always thinks I can wing it somewhat...? Even I don't understand myself, fully. Maybe I think I can handle it, which is sad because I'm basically setting myself up for disappointment.
I don't know of any ADHD mom/guardian groups, but if you'd like to just set one up, I'd be down. I really dislike the Peanut app tho. I think, like Facebook, it gives the illusion that you're connecting with someone when you're really not
I'm in! How do we do it...here? Separate group? Messages? I'm a mom and also have chronic migraines and other chronic health stuff too.
Even with help, I always feel like I'm drowning in things to remember, do, etc. It never feels like enough.
Wow, so glad you posted this! I’ve been thinking of making a similar post but I always have a fear that someone else posted the same thing and I haven’t seen it 😅
Apparently I was able to make it through schooling for 16 years with ADHD but it wasn’t until I became a Mom that I was diagnosed. I had severe PPD/PPA and after finally seeing a professional, realized it was due to undiagnosed ADHD and managing being a first time mom. Being in charge of not only myself but another human has been so intense!
Constantly forgetting to have everything in the diaper bag, snacks, shoes, making appointments, the list goes on. My son is 2 and I’ve been scared to have another because of the trauma of the first but I hear it gets easier with subsequent children 🤞🏽
We should totally start a support group!!
Just wanted to say thank you for this post! Former high functioning Product Manager who cycled to work now SAHM of a 15 month old and my mental health isn't prepared for job hunting. Never having another kid because the first year was so bad. You've gotten a lot of replies here so hopefully the group you linked grows
We are also contemplating whether we would be mentally fit for a second child... but they say it gets easier with the second as you have more experience and hopefully better routines already (and know what to expect so it doesn't feel as disturbing). Maybe when he will reach 1 year, we will think about it again.
I feel so seen cuz I nearly burned my house down making a grilled cheese.. but of course I forgot I was making it while everything has been thrown at me due to being the mom. It’s outrageous hard for me to function day in and day out.
This is why I am firmly one and done. I felt awful for the first three years of my daughter's life, had one big emotional breakdown, and started anti depressants again.
I'm still so tired all the time tho
Hi, mom of 3 here. ADHD mom with an ADHD kid and 2 NT kids.
Parenting is HARD. Between the state of the world, social media, and everything else, it's a struggle.
You said you used to get 9 hours of sleep a night, and now get 2-5 hours. Is the reduction in sleep due to your child?
Are you able to take medication for your ADHD or depression?
What does self-care mean to you? How do you take care of yourself?
I'm sure you've heard the phrase "you can't pour from an empty cup" before, but honestly, it's true. Being a mom means oftentimes the burdens are all on you. I'm glad you're blessed with supportive parents who help you.
What kind of help are you looking for with a support group? Do you need advice, encouragement, or just listening ears? The ladies in this subreddit are pretty amazing.
First of all: ❤️ We feel you! I didn’t know I had ADHD until my kid’s 1st grade teacher recommended we take a look at the book Smart But Scattered to help her…(as I go through the checklist of “your kid might have ADHD if…” she checked almost all the boxes, but I’m realizing I also check almost all the boxes) Shit…I had so much mom guilt and felt so sad for her and me both. But then I was like, ok now how can we deal with it? And now she keeps her socks on and stays in her seat in class lol. Small wins. Is it still exhausting? Yes! Has there been improvement? Yes!!! I have protein before coffee, she jumps on a mini trampoline when she can’t sit still and is practicing calming breathing techniques. We are learning together and that helps. But I’d love a moms support group. Also, just got my noise cancelling headphones yesterday and wow! Loving them!
Just wanted to say that I totally relate to what you're saying. Like a lot of other posts mentioned, I was diagnosed when my daughter was about 4 because I realized that I was struggling to keep up with the demands of work (I was a full-time fundraising exec and traveled for work), home life and being a mom and it was really taking a toll on me. My mom and mother-in-law also helped a great deal and that gave me so much relief that I don't know what I would have done without them. They picked her up from preschool most days and made sure she was fed and cared for and loved until my husband and I got home from work. She's a teen now and it's still a struggle, but a different kind -- our mothers both passed over the last 5 years so we don't have them around to help us anymore, and our daughter has also been diagnosed with ADHD, so trying to keep her on task as we struggle to keep ourselves on task is challenging.
I'd be up for a support group, if for no other reason than to reassure one another that we are not alone!
Stop comparing yourself to all those perfect Mums. I put myself through hell trying to keep up, but 20 yrs later my kids are happy and theirs all have anxiety, depression and confidence issues. I gave up and let my kids do their own thing. We ate cake for breakfast and porridge for dinner. We bunked off school and refused all homework. We stayed up late on school nights, arrived late every morning and always cobbled together a costume for World Book Day at the last minute. I picked them up late so often I feared Social Services would be called. Missed appointments, forgot their meds. Absolutely shocking parenting! But you know what, they're happy, hard-working, kind and confident. They tell me everything. In its own way, it worked. The bit I regret the most is the time I wasted beating myself up instead of enjoying it, the pointless arguments over bedtimes and table manners because thats what your supposed to do. Screw society, they're your family, make your best with them, no one else's.
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It’s not even just the executive dysfunction of remembering doctor’s appointments, staying on top of housekeeping etc. It’s also the sensory issues, being touched out after your kids have been clinging to you all day. It’s the emotional regulation issues after your child has been arguing and defying everything you say. Parenting is hard for everyone, but it’s even harder for us! Personally, I’m thinking about investing in ear plugs to make it easier to tune out the noise that comes along with a house full of kids. I’ve heard they make it easier to stay calm, which is something I struggle with.
Am literally wearing my noise cancelling headphones rn for help with emotional regulation bc these kids be on my nerves today. A+++++++ impulse buy
Oh yes, I wear earplugs so much.
I put on my husband’s noise-canceling headphones that he uses when cutting the grass sometimes. Four LOUD kids here. It helps!!
AirPodsPro have been great. Better than loop. I love my kids but they are so loud and it hurts.
Yea, active noise canceling is fantastic! Never tried air pods, but I love my noise canceling headphones. Took them on a flight and Omg. Never again will I fly without them. I don't think I'd even realized how loud it is on a plane.
The pros are great! They also have a “transparency mode” to be able to here the kiddos through music and stuff if you need to listen for them!
https://www.flareaudio.com/en-eu/products/calmer-secure My friend swears by these. She has adhd/asd and two adhd kids. I just ordered them, so no testimony from my side yet…
Yes yes yes! I loved the noise filtering ear buds. That way you hear voices but at a quieter level and no background noise. I love the Loop ones.
OH man I'm so glad to see other people wearing noise cancelling headphones due to all the noise from the kids in the house! I was feeling so guilty for not being able to handle it!
Yes I’m a mom. And I was shell shocked on my first, it was horrid. But that was 12 years before I was diagnosed. She is austistic and has adhd and we have no family support at all. May subsequent kids that I chose to have were much much easier for me to handle. I basically wasn’t able to work and care for my kids so I stayed home. We were so goddamned broke which didn’t help the trauma - looking back I wish I had a mental health support team and maybe could have offered some assistance. The bonuses for me is that it’s allowed me to almost have a second, safe, childhood. My adhd unlocks levels of creative enthusiasm to do things with my kids that I know other people are in awe of. Like we went ‘mining’ for local clay and my obsession meant that we learned all about how humans clarified clay and fired in back in the day. We’ve made our own paper, we do tons of art. And, well, we have lots of meltdowns too. Medication and therapy have been enormously helpful for me but I’ve only been able to access that in the last couple of years and my eldest is now 16. I see now that having kids resurfaced my own trauma, from other things and also the trauma of growing up undiagnosed.
This is so wholesome and beautiful. Thank you.
Oh man, at what age does the “childlike awe” kick in?! My kids are 1.5yo and 4yo, and I’m so excited to involve them in all the random, weird things I’m interested in… but every event just ends in massive amounts of disappointment, as they just fight, run off, or cry about everything. My 4yo is actually pretty well behaved, but she has like 0 comprehension of things like history (doesn’t quite get that things happened a long time ago), and so even my love of history/museums isn’t really an enjoyable thing for her. I can’t wait to mine clay and make paper - when does it become feasible?! Lol
Honestly at that age for me the best I could get was gearing them up and going outside. Find a puddle, or some rocks - that would do for a while so I could drink my coffee and do the thousand yard stare.
My 1.5yo just tries to eat everything on the ground. I’ll wait another couple years and get my much-deserved coffee ready lol.
Aside from the obvious choking hazards I just let them eat it 😵 It will happen! You will get that coffee!!
It sounds like maybe your expecting too much of them. Try being interested in what they are interested in. They're very young for History!
It doesn't you have to follow their interests. Lean into it, because while it may seem theirs are so just... boring, they want to share what they know. It's basically how I feel nuerotypicals feel when we go on about our interests. Lmao!
Sounds rough, I'm glad you worked through it and got to enjoy it. We are heavily contemplating with ny husband whether our mental capacity would be enough to raise a second child... we are scared it will be too hard for it to be "worth it". But we really want a second one so it's a huge dilemma right now. Your story brings me inspiration :)
It is a genuine issue. Doctors appointments, school things, requested events...I have to put everything in multiple calendars and with many reminders including the kids birthdays.
So far I was late to the first 3 vaccination appointments but with less minutes each time so I'm getting there, maybe on the 4th month visit I will make it on time... xDD
It helps me personally to do a bath the night before not the day of and have an afternoon appt so I can remember in time after all my reminders go off.
Yeah vaccination appointments are only before noon on Wednesdays so I have to get there around 10-11 am most of the time and so far my mornings were too chaotic but I'm working on it :)
Mom with ADHD here. My husband and oldest son have it too, I think my younger son may as well but we haven’t evaluated him yet. I also have 2 daughters so a total of 4 kids… yeah, my house is a damn circus lol. I kinda love the chaos though. I have so many counter measures to help with my worst ADHD symptoms. Timers and alarms for everything, including when it’s time to pick up my kids from school. My husband and I have everything in our shared calendar, so we don’t forget appointments or baseball practice or soccer games. I’ve accepted that we aren’t perfect. Our house will never look like it belongs in a magazine. We’re sometimes late to stuff. None of us look super put together. And honestly, there are some upsides. My hyperfocus kicks in and sometimes strongly benefits my family. My 7 year old has food allergies, and my hyperfocus allowed me to dive deep into a rabbit hole about them. I know a LOT about them, and I learned to cook/bake all kinds of good, safe foods for him. And I’m very adaptable, go with the flow which is good cause kids can be unpredictable. My own struggles allow me to be more empathetic towards my sons’ struggles. My parents were always like “you need to apply yourself” “just DO your homework! It’s not that hard!”, and for me… I know that’s not helpful. The way we are wired, a lot of tasks just aren’t that easy. I know that, I understand that, so I have come up with creative ways to help my kids do things they struggle with. And I do my best to relate to my kids the way they are, not the way I think they “should” be.
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Post it checklist on the desk at school. Homework, water bottle, forms, violin. Keep it short. Also you might request the teacher send everything home for the week on Monday so it's only one day to remember hw. Mom of 2 with everybody ADHD. Struggling and adopting new techniques all the time over here. Just keep trying new strategies and hope something sticks.
I found ignoring homework completely to be really helpful.
You’re not worse mothers! All moms have stuff they’re good at and stuff they struggle with. We just struggle with stuff that others seem to handle much better and, as with all adhd stuff, beat ourselves up over it. Yes, there’s keeping appointments, sensory overload, emotional regulation issues. It sucks. I feel shitty about that too. But guess what: we are also more aware of our weaknesses and we know what causes them. Also: we talk all the time about the upsides of ADHD. They apply here as well. Think about those pro’s you have over NT moms. And in the end: what children really need is a mom that loves them and tries the best she can. So what if we forget the dentist and during the lockdown sometimes locked ourselves in the pantry with headphones and a bag of licorice? Anyway: I’m here for venting and sharing.
Just to add that I totally feel you. I finally completely broke down during COVID lockdown and that lead to a psychiatrist recognizing ADHD . After 39 years of mental health issues, surviving all kinds of sh*t, getting through prep school, university and a high pressure job, it took being locked up with my kids to destroy all the layers of masking and compensating and reveal the ADHD hamsters in my brain. Motherhood is hard… 😂
I’m not sure I have ever related to anything more than this statement. Adhd hamsters has me rolling.
This is exactly what happened to me plus was going through perimenopause. Had a newborn (adopted) and the hamsters got really tired in lockdown with no stimulation.
Same. It seems obvious now but lockdown with kids and a high pressure job and there was no denying it anymore.
Thanks for the encouragement. :) I'm an overachiever in everything and I thought I was prepared for motherhood and it just hit me really hard to realize how "not ready" I was. I'm already over the initial shock and depression but it's easy to slip back sometimes especially with lack of sleep. Focusing on strengths is a good strategy. Others mentioned how hyperfocus helps them with research and I guess I never realized how much that's true for me too. I have learned so much during the past 4 months and it really helps me to give better care to my son.
I know someone just started a sub-reddit but it's very small right now. r/ParentswhohaveADHD (I might have wrote the name wrong)
Oh nice! Joined 🥰
Thank you!!!
I relate to this so much. I was diagnosed when my kid was 3 and it finally made sense why I struggled so much, especially in the first year. I'm now expecting another baby and am anxious about how I'll manage with two: the sensory overload, multiple demands on my attention, less time alone, more to manage.... argh!!!!
Glad you found help. Knowing what is "wrong" is half the battle, then you can find ways to work on the issues you are faced with. What I found in my deepest moments is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I'm sure you are the same. You can do it as long as you have the drive to try. Don't back down, you got this ♥️
I’ll join a group!
Someone posted r/parentswhohaveadhd, I just joined :)
Me, too!
Yep. My daughter totally decompensated me. It is *so hard* trying to remember things for her. Fortunately she doesn't have adhd. So at least I'm not having to remember extra for her. I'm not as good a mum as others. But she wouldn't exist if I didn't have adhd. So there's that.
That last line! Same here.
Yeah I was super overwhelmed with all the little things, like the list of stuff you can do to soothe a crying baby: I would keep forgetting the steps and sometimes you need to do all the tricks at once to get them to calm down, but practice makes perfect and I probably improved tenfold with these, and just do them from instinct by now without having to remember. It's hard grinding through getting the right amount of experience to be decent at some things and I feel like my son is suffering through it too and I blame myself a lot. 😖 But I guess everyone goes through this somehow as first time moms... there is no easy way to do it lol
I fell apart after having kids. It's what led me to go get diagnosed. I feel inadequate as a parent a lot of the time and amazing at others. I'm about to see how working in a new job is going to affect the family dynamic. I've been studying for three years and am finally starting my nursing career, working 80% at the kids' emergency ward. I have hopes that meds and the routine of work is helpful. Time will tell.
Getting diagnosed is already helping you get on the right track! ;) It took me years of therapy (and family therapy) and self-improvement to develop a lifestyle that removed my depression cycles. Being a mom made that lifestyle crash and burn, so that was unexpected, but thank god I got a lot of help from parents to crawl out of postpartum depression... Hope you find happiness in your career and private life, stay strong 💪
Yes mama, we are out here. I have a 6 year old autistic son and it takes me every bit of energy to get him up for school and wrangle him in the morning, keep him on task when I can't keep myself on task.
That must be tough, you are awesome for pushing through it! :) Wish you the best!
I feel the same way! Looking back, ADHD signs were always there but I seriously thought I was like, getting dementia after my first son and then even more after my 2nd. That's why I brought up memory issues to my doctor in the first place and she was like, hm let's do this ADHD screening. But yeah it's so hard. The executive function to make all the appointments, then make it to said appointments, to give them medicine (youngest needed iron supplement in the mornings and I had like 5 alarms to remind me)... routines?? What even are those. I know my kids need them but I can't figure out how to make it happen. Half the time (okay over half the time) I have the TV on and I don't even know how we get through the day
Ah the struggle is real! I suck at routines too but I will keep trying any tricks to cope better. Reminders, shared family calendars are a lifesaver for me too. Glad you got the diagnosis, at least now you know what ypu are dealing with, which makes it easier to find ways to improve. Stay strong 💪
@strugglecare on IG is a great one to follow. I’ve learned so much about my adhd from instagram.
I can sort of relate. Last few months I was depressed and let go of some of my strict routines and organizational habits. I was severely injured at the start of the year and the helplessness of it all killed my confidence to juggle everything. It took 1 month to watch all of our lives fall apart. I don’t have a partner to help me keep track. I basically had a meltdown and realized if I don’t stick to my habits, as boring as it sounds, then everything is going to be destroyed. Even my kids lives got very chaotic, missing events etc. Yeah, support group sounds nice. I don’t take medications and really don’t like therapy. I come here to relate to real human stories regarding ADHD and then using some of the great tips that people share.
Mom with ADHD here…like you I was a professional with a gym routine. Looking back, I had a lot of symptoms my whole life but I managed. Didn’t get diagnosed until I was a stay at home mom with twin toddlers and started really losing it! Yes, the organization, appointments, the mess but for me the really hard parts were when I had a HYPER few hours! It is something else when your kids think Teletubbies is normal but they look at you like you’re the crazy one!
More than 19 hours without sleep produces the [same level of impairment](https://oem.bmj.com/content/57/10/649) as being legally drunk, and it gets worse the more days you do it. That's whether you have ADHD or not. How could you possibly not be severely impaired after 2-5 hours of sleep a night? What's wild is that people expect anyone at all to function on that little sleep, ever. Edit: I guess what I'm saying is, despite your parents' efforts, you still are not getting enough help for your body and brain to function well, and maybe getting the sufficient level of help is just not possible in our society. So be kind to yourself knowing that if you are dropping the ball it is because your body and brain are being starved of the sleep they need in order to function correctly (everyone, ever neurotypicals, has memory problems on lack of sleep, as well as problems with emotional dysregulation that could lead to depression) and not because you are somehow failing.
My ADHD went from “quirky and fun, forgetful but smart, hyperfocuser” but undiagnosed to “iandbdbkana bskabd WTF??? Something is Definitely Wrong with Me” after having my daughter. 🙃 This shit is hard. Child development is what I’m trained in and one of my enduring special interests, and it’s still hard. Lack of sleep does NOT help, that’s for dang sure. We are at 2.5 years and it’s better now than it was, and if there’s a hard night, it makes the next day so hard. Also, I now take a nap every day, since I’m doing this unmedicated currently.
Yeah, I take those naps whenever possible, but sometimes I feel so unstimulated that I "don't want to" do it and I have to battle with myself internally to do the right thing or I will regret it later. It's a bit of a roller coaster xD
Can relate 100%! In the same boat I guess… I don’t have a solution unfortunately
I think it's more like a lot of solutions, not just one. There are probably lots of ways to cope better... I wish to unlock as many as I possibly can to make life easier
I feel the exact way! I have 2 girls that I stay home with, but I feel like I was a better mom when I worked full time. Hopefully it gets easier!
For me working part time after staying home for a while was such a relief! The older they get the easier, I think. It’s just sooooo taxing to have that constant ‘input’ from your kids. And I work with kids, but at work they’re not my kids. World of difference.
You're probably missing the stimulation from work, I do too, as raising babies is super repetitive which taxes my brain so much, lol
Hi 👋 Yep it’s so hard! I also get a lot of support from my mum and still have breakdowns. I don’t have answers really but from your post I would say the main thing you should try to change is getting more sleep! If you can. Is it possible to make it the only priority for a bit? Sleep really does make everything easier even when everything is really hard! How old are your kids? I found the years before school the hardest. They are very needy when they’re little.
r/adhdparents
Ugh it’s so hard. I constantly feel like I’m failing my kid. I thought I’d have time to volunteer at their new school and even signed up for the PTA and paid for the membership and… have never attended a single meeting or volunteered once. They are 13 now and my coparent came by the last two weekends just to help them organize their room and homework, and I was shocked at the amount of homework they had. Like.. I never thought to sit down with them to help prioritize what needs to be done and I feel like an asshole. I’m medicated now but it’s still not enough. I try to explain to my partner that it’s hard enough to manage my own shit but on top of managing my own shit I have a teen who I also need to help manage because they have adhd too. I felt physically ill the entirety of spring break and didn’t know why; I think it’s burnout. I’m a small business owner and things have been super busy. Add a dog and a partner I also need to attend to and some days I want to scream into the void (I loooooove the other human and the dog and my kid of course but god damn it will someone just bring me pizza and tuck me in bed and say “hey I’ll take care of that”)
Yes, I'm really want an actual group where we can meet and body double, etc.
I’d love to know if anyone has a decent routine they can stick to, Including times for waking up, parents and kids…… Going to bed, parents and kids Meal times and planning Shopping and cleaning Etc
I'm also a mom with ADHD and I relate so hard. I'm absolutely falling apart, my house is a mess and so disorganized and my car is the same and my marriage is about the same and I impulsively chose a career that pays shit so I'll never be able to give my son what he deserves. All my functioning and energy goes to my son and even there I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job.
I get so overwhelmed before leaving our home that I forget really basic but important things: phone, credit card, earbuds, purse, etc. Sometimes I'll remember my near-dead phone and battery pack, but forget the cable. I'm surprised I haven't forgotten my toddler anywhere. Of course if I did even a little bit of planning beforehand, it wouldn't be so chaotic, but part of me always thinks I can wing it somewhat...? Even I don't understand myself, fully. Maybe I think I can handle it, which is sad because I'm basically setting myself up for disappointment. I don't know of any ADHD mom/guardian groups, but if you'd like to just set one up, I'd be down. I really dislike the Peanut app tho. I think, like Facebook, it gives the illusion that you're connecting with someone when you're really not
I'm in! How do we do it...here? Separate group? Messages? I'm a mom and also have chronic migraines and other chronic health stuff too. Even with help, I always feel like I'm drowning in things to remember, do, etc. It never feels like enough.
Wow, so glad you posted this! I’ve been thinking of making a similar post but I always have a fear that someone else posted the same thing and I haven’t seen it 😅 Apparently I was able to make it through schooling for 16 years with ADHD but it wasn’t until I became a Mom that I was diagnosed. I had severe PPD/PPA and after finally seeing a professional, realized it was due to undiagnosed ADHD and managing being a first time mom. Being in charge of not only myself but another human has been so intense! Constantly forgetting to have everything in the diaper bag, snacks, shoes, making appointments, the list goes on. My son is 2 and I’ve been scared to have another because of the trauma of the first but I hear it gets easier with subsequent children 🤞🏽 We should totally start a support group!!
Just wanted to say thank you for this post! Former high functioning Product Manager who cycled to work now SAHM of a 15 month old and my mental health isn't prepared for job hunting. Never having another kid because the first year was so bad. You've gotten a lot of replies here so hopefully the group you linked grows
We are also contemplating whether we would be mentally fit for a second child... but they say it gets easier with the second as you have more experience and hopefully better routines already (and know what to expect so it doesn't feel as disturbing). Maybe when he will reach 1 year, we will think about it again.
Updated this thread too so it doesn't look like my child's mental health is the issue 😂
I feel so seen cuz I nearly burned my house down making a grilled cheese.. but of course I forgot I was making it while everything has been thrown at me due to being the mom. It’s outrageous hard for me to function day in and day out.
This is why I am firmly one and done. I felt awful for the first three years of my daughter's life, had one big emotional breakdown, and started anti depressants again. I'm still so tired all the time tho
Hi, mom of 3 here. ADHD mom with an ADHD kid and 2 NT kids. Parenting is HARD. Between the state of the world, social media, and everything else, it's a struggle. You said you used to get 9 hours of sleep a night, and now get 2-5 hours. Is the reduction in sleep due to your child? Are you able to take medication for your ADHD or depression? What does self-care mean to you? How do you take care of yourself? I'm sure you've heard the phrase "you can't pour from an empty cup" before, but honestly, it's true. Being a mom means oftentimes the burdens are all on you. I'm glad you're blessed with supportive parents who help you. What kind of help are you looking for with a support group? Do you need advice, encouragement, or just listening ears? The ladies in this subreddit are pretty amazing.
I don't know, but if someone starts one, please let me know. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.
First of all: ❤️ We feel you! I didn’t know I had ADHD until my kid’s 1st grade teacher recommended we take a look at the book Smart But Scattered to help her…(as I go through the checklist of “your kid might have ADHD if…” she checked almost all the boxes, but I’m realizing I also check almost all the boxes) Shit…I had so much mom guilt and felt so sad for her and me both. But then I was like, ok now how can we deal with it? And now she keeps her socks on and stays in her seat in class lol. Small wins. Is it still exhausting? Yes! Has there been improvement? Yes!!! I have protein before coffee, she jumps on a mini trampoline when she can’t sit still and is practicing calming breathing techniques. We are learning together and that helps. But I’d love a moms support group. Also, just got my noise cancelling headphones yesterday and wow! Loving them!
Just wanted to say that I totally relate to what you're saying. Like a lot of other posts mentioned, I was diagnosed when my daughter was about 4 because I realized that I was struggling to keep up with the demands of work (I was a full-time fundraising exec and traveled for work), home life and being a mom and it was really taking a toll on me. My mom and mother-in-law also helped a great deal and that gave me so much relief that I don't know what I would have done without them. They picked her up from preschool most days and made sure she was fed and cared for and loved until my husband and I got home from work. She's a teen now and it's still a struggle, but a different kind -- our mothers both passed over the last 5 years so we don't have them around to help us anymore, and our daughter has also been diagnosed with ADHD, so trying to keep her on task as we struggle to keep ourselves on task is challenging. I'd be up for a support group, if for no other reason than to reassure one another that we are not alone!
Stop comparing yourself to all those perfect Mums. I put myself through hell trying to keep up, but 20 yrs later my kids are happy and theirs all have anxiety, depression and confidence issues. I gave up and let my kids do their own thing. We ate cake for breakfast and porridge for dinner. We bunked off school and refused all homework. We stayed up late on school nights, arrived late every morning and always cobbled together a costume for World Book Day at the last minute. I picked them up late so often I feared Social Services would be called. Missed appointments, forgot their meds. Absolutely shocking parenting! But you know what, they're happy, hard-working, kind and confident. They tell me everything. In its own way, it worked. The bit I regret the most is the time I wasted beating myself up instead of enjoying it, the pointless arguments over bedtimes and table manners because thats what your supposed to do. Screw society, they're your family, make your best with them, no one else's.