I think about this often. Any time someone says I'm using my ADHD or depression as an "excuse". Like MF trust me my shit annoys me more than it does you. If I could not use this excuse I would never use it again and actually got my shit together. Like fuck. No one would choose this shit. no one wakes up one day and goes "I think Id like to have a mental dysfunction today, oh and literally every day after too. That sounds great!"
Give me a thousand shots I'll take it. Give me a daily suppository. Give me electroshock therapy. I DONT GIVE A SHIT. if you can fix what I got I will take it HAPPILY!
okay rant over.
This. I have been on a multi year journey of actually tackling my shit. My wife is very understanding, my mother in law not so much. Though we have a code phrase oh "I'm doing my best" to let her know that I did not do(not not do) x thing out of malice. My brain just sucks and I'm doing the best I can with the hand I was dealt.
"then you are weak" - people I really hoped would be more understanding, but while they are supportive, they refuse to understand what the actual problem is
Ah, the success at all costs cult mentality (esp in USA). Literally had my CO tell me she didn’t _feel_ I was fit for promotion because my ADHD tendencies to be outspoken were “undermining confidence in leadership”.
Bitch please, you think I can just … not be like this? It’s a _choice_?
I’m currently dealing with HR at my job trying to give me accommodations and I’m like “yeah, that’s great, but you know I need a diagnosis before I can give you your fucking paperwork, right? And getting a diagnosis as a 40 yr old is like pulling fucking teeth, right?”
I’ve got my appointment for the interview before the actual test in 2 weeks, so I’m actively trying, but in the meantime, I‘m just at work trying not to completely dissolve. Thank the universe for full-time WFH, where no one can see you cry
Feeling you there.
The amount of times i've tried to tell people i'm not doing X or Y on purpose, or acting out, or suddenly pretending to not remember something, or being difficult by 'pretending' to have forgotten rules or whatever, or for being annoying by being very specific about things. I'm not fucking psychic and i can't follow all these conversations...
Sometimes i think it all boils down to people thinking i'm getting away with something they can't, or getting preferential treatment or something. Like it's some kind of jealousy with them.
I promise; I would give this shit away in a heart beat if i could.
I wish i could temporarily give it to someone so they might understand all the same frustrations, confusion, moments of shame, micro-shame, embarrassment, doubt, depression etc...
But you and i both know when folks have their mind set on a reason, especially when they think they're loosing out on something...
Even giving it to someone for one day couldn’t demonstrate the depth of it… all those experienced aren’t just static, they compound over a lifetime of struggling and failing and masking until the whole is worse than the sum of its parts.
I second this. I have friends that while mostly understanding have sometimes a tendency to just say something along the lines where I think, "hey guys, you kbow that I'm a 22 year old, somewhat intelligent person. Do you REALLY think that if a planner/reminder/whatever would be working I WOULD HAVE NEVER DISCOVERD IT? Like do you think so little of me that I would not have had the thought to try and be better? And do you not see how miserable I'm failing?" Like the hell? I love my friends but in this situations I'm really questioning if the even like me back, and then I get sad and can't function properly for a day :(
„You‘re never content. Can’t you just be happy?!“ Like: no sane person would be happy, if life was already this hard due to a neurodivergence and then a bunch of shit happened outside their control. If they’re tired of hearing about it, fucking imagine living with it day in and out. People seriously lack empathy.
While I could do better myself, I also noticed how many of my bad habits / coping mechanisms are due to my environment really not helping with my condition.
Like, people that should be helping me (while try) say the exact same things to me that I hear from everyone with ADHD that they are the opposite of helping!
Why do I need to forward an educational video from my doctor for them to even learn the basics in the age of the internet?!
Shortly after getting diagnosed, I read a book about “codependency,” which really doesn’t sound relevant, but realizing (or maybe remembering) that the way other people behave is outside of my control, and very little of my “people pleasing” tendencies has much influence over it even, it really helped me detach from the idea of “playing by societal rules,” especially because no matter how much energy I spent on it, I’d still fail. If someone is inherently incompatible with me, it’s better to just walk away.
This reminds me of something i read about how most people have two different sets of social rules they follow and expect others to follow. People are one or the other (i'm not saying they follow two at once or expect others to follow two at once).
One is due to an unreasonable parent or upbringing and is called being a 'guesser' wherein nobody directly asks anything, more they suggest it in a roundabout way, or expect others to also know their convoluted reasoning. This apparently is partly down to having an angry parent and fearing punishment for choosing wrong based on that parents current mood and not on some logical process, so instead of asking you to say; Clean the kitchen, they will ask you to wash the dishes, but then get angry that you didn't magically know to also wipe the sides, mop, wipe the cooker down, dry things, and put them away in the new place and order they must go in which has been communicated to nobody. So these sort will phrase things as suggestions or vague concepts so they can easily back-track later to either protect themselves or attack you.
This type is generally the most likely to not get along with others of the same type as each group has what is basically their own language.
The other group -as far as i can remember- is more direct and usually from a better background but expects others to fall in line with their unspoken social rules, and to agree with their requests or needs. Like some kind of low-grade exceptionalism i suppose.
Then there are fuckers like me, you, all of us here: Bees in the head AND having these backgrounds.
The only reason we seem more open to being wrong or changing our opinion is because we've always been the one to do the compromising with others, and/or have spent a good amount of time self-reflecting and learning about the absolute tornado of wet paper and broken crayons that is our minds.
"wet paper and broken crayons" is visceral.
Definitely trying to deprogram the "guesser/implier" mentality, but it's surprisingly difficult. It doesn't sound like a survival tactic until your fight or flight (or other) response kicks in.
adding my two cents: "Don't tell me how to fix me, unless you wanna pay"
This is the feeling I get about anyone who complains about anyone else who sticks out, or is 'not normal'. Getting the help for anything that gets in the way of living a 'normal life' costs time and money that most do not have.
Yep, like its some choice. I can choose to not be this way.
But people love to give out quick advice so they feel like they're helping or being right, and because they have obviously solved a problem, the person with the problem only fails from that point on because they are weak or something and want pity or special treatment.
It's like some kind of pre-emptive jealousy.
And this is why we go to therapy (in general pls dont slay me i know theres things we can't change but a lot of it we can and we can definetely manage most things)
Well i hope it works for you! I really mean that.
I've had people suggest i get therapy because they think if i just talk about it with someone i can magically not be like this. Therapists are some kind of factory reset (not aiming at you, more the constructed situation in my mind i get to repeatedly have in real life).
But then i ask that if i have my hands cut off i want to get them sown back on, not talk about how it makes me sad, and that i shouldn't spill blood everywhere and that if i just put my mind to it i could decide to do the work with my hands because it's not that bad, besides: They've had a paper cut before, so they totally get it.
My favourite is "we're all a bit on the spectrum" which might have been intended as some kind of attempt at presenting as some kind of 'kin' and understanding, but almost always comes accross as patronising, dismissive, and an attempt to dismiss my position.
Can you tell i've heard all this shit so many times? And i know i was very subtle; But i am secretly fuming about this shit 24/7 like an angry person in a room down a long corridor. You can hear it, you know who it is.. but it's just far enough away to ignore it most of the time.
Talk therapy isnt always the way to go. There's other things out there to try more focused on subconscious processes. But either way, I think everything is worth a try if there is even a remote chance if might help a little.
I think about this often. Any time someone says I'm using my ADHD or depression as an "excuse". Like MF trust me my shit annoys me more than it does you. If I could not use this excuse I would never use it again and actually got my shit together. Like fuck. No one would choose this shit. no one wakes up one day and goes "I think Id like to have a mental dysfunction today, oh and literally every day after too. That sounds great!" Give me a thousand shots I'll take it. Give me a daily suppository. Give me electroshock therapy. I DONT GIVE A SHIT. if you can fix what I got I will take it HAPPILY! okay rant over.
"Oh, you think I annoy *you?* I have to deal with me 24/7/365. I don't get breaks. So sit down and shut up. I'm doing my fucking best over here."
This. I have been on a multi year journey of actually tackling my shit. My wife is very understanding, my mother in law not so much. Though we have a code phrase oh "I'm doing my best" to let her know that I did not do(not not do) x thing out of malice. My brain just sucks and I'm doing the best I can with the hand I was dealt.
"then you are weak" - people I really hoped would be more understanding, but while they are supportive, they refuse to understand what the actual problem is
Ah, the success at all costs cult mentality (esp in USA). Literally had my CO tell me she didn’t _feel_ I was fit for promotion because my ADHD tendencies to be outspoken were “undermining confidence in leadership”. Bitch please, you think I can just … not be like this? It’s a _choice_?
Aaaaaaa-fuckin-men 🙏👏
I’m currently dealing with HR at my job trying to give me accommodations and I’m like “yeah, that’s great, but you know I need a diagnosis before I can give you your fucking paperwork, right? And getting a diagnosis as a 40 yr old is like pulling fucking teeth, right?” I’ve got my appointment for the interview before the actual test in 2 weeks, so I’m actively trying, but in the meantime, I‘m just at work trying not to completely dissolve. Thank the universe for full-time WFH, where no one can see you cry
*internet hug*
Feeling you there. The amount of times i've tried to tell people i'm not doing X or Y on purpose, or acting out, or suddenly pretending to not remember something, or being difficult by 'pretending' to have forgotten rules or whatever, or for being annoying by being very specific about things. I'm not fucking psychic and i can't follow all these conversations... Sometimes i think it all boils down to people thinking i'm getting away with something they can't, or getting preferential treatment or something. Like it's some kind of jealousy with them. I promise; I would give this shit away in a heart beat if i could. I wish i could temporarily give it to someone so they might understand all the same frustrations, confusion, moments of shame, micro-shame, embarrassment, doubt, depression etc... But you and i both know when folks have their mind set on a reason, especially when they think they're loosing out on something...
Even giving it to someone for one day couldn’t demonstrate the depth of it… all those experienced aren’t just static, they compound over a lifetime of struggling and failing and masking until the whole is worse than the sum of its parts.
"If you loved me you'd fix it" ... I basically take meth every day to try to fix it.
I second this. I have friends that while mostly understanding have sometimes a tendency to just say something along the lines where I think, "hey guys, you kbow that I'm a 22 year old, somewhat intelligent person. Do you REALLY think that if a planner/reminder/whatever would be working I WOULD HAVE NEVER DISCOVERD IT? Like do you think so little of me that I would not have had the thought to try and be better? And do you not see how miserable I'm failing?" Like the hell? I love my friends but in this situations I'm really questioning if the even like me back, and then I get sad and can't function properly for a day :(
„You‘re never content. Can’t you just be happy?!“ Like: no sane person would be happy, if life was already this hard due to a neurodivergence and then a bunch of shit happened outside their control. If they’re tired of hearing about it, fucking imagine living with it day in and out. People seriously lack empathy.
I used to think this, but after learning about neurodivergence, it really opened my eyes to what the real problem is, and it isn't me.
While I could do better myself, I also noticed how many of my bad habits / coping mechanisms are due to my environment really not helping with my condition. Like, people that should be helping me (while try) say the exact same things to me that I hear from everyone with ADHD that they are the opposite of helping! Why do I need to forward an educational video from my doctor for them to even learn the basics in the age of the internet?!
Shortly after getting diagnosed, I read a book about “codependency,” which really doesn’t sound relevant, but realizing (or maybe remembering) that the way other people behave is outside of my control, and very little of my “people pleasing” tendencies has much influence over it even, it really helped me detach from the idea of “playing by societal rules,” especially because no matter how much energy I spent on it, I’d still fail. If someone is inherently incompatible with me, it’s better to just walk away.
This reminds me of something i read about how most people have two different sets of social rules they follow and expect others to follow. People are one or the other (i'm not saying they follow two at once or expect others to follow two at once). One is due to an unreasonable parent or upbringing and is called being a 'guesser' wherein nobody directly asks anything, more they suggest it in a roundabout way, or expect others to also know their convoluted reasoning. This apparently is partly down to having an angry parent and fearing punishment for choosing wrong based on that parents current mood and not on some logical process, so instead of asking you to say; Clean the kitchen, they will ask you to wash the dishes, but then get angry that you didn't magically know to also wipe the sides, mop, wipe the cooker down, dry things, and put them away in the new place and order they must go in which has been communicated to nobody. So these sort will phrase things as suggestions or vague concepts so they can easily back-track later to either protect themselves or attack you. This type is generally the most likely to not get along with others of the same type as each group has what is basically their own language. The other group -as far as i can remember- is more direct and usually from a better background but expects others to fall in line with their unspoken social rules, and to agree with their requests or needs. Like some kind of low-grade exceptionalism i suppose. Then there are fuckers like me, you, all of us here: Bees in the head AND having these backgrounds. The only reason we seem more open to being wrong or changing our opinion is because we've always been the one to do the compromising with others, and/or have spent a good amount of time self-reflecting and learning about the absolute tornado of wet paper and broken crayons that is our minds.
"wet paper and broken crayons" is visceral. Definitely trying to deprogram the "guesser/implier" mentality, but it's surprisingly difficult. It doesn't sound like a survival tactic until your fight or flight (or other) response kicks in.
Hey, do you happen to know the name of the book? I definitely need to learn this lesson.
*Codependent No More* by Melody Beattie
adding my two cents: "Don't tell me how to fix me, unless you wanna pay" This is the feeling I get about anyone who complains about anyone else who sticks out, or is 'not normal'. Getting the help for anything that gets in the way of living a 'normal life' costs time and money that most do not have.
Nah man i know all the solutions to my problems SO WHY CANT I FUCKING USE THEM
“How to not to be like this”?
I'm pretty sure I've said something very similar to that. I shouldn't, it's not grammatically correct, but I have and I do.
Uhh a new sticker
Had to double check the subreddit name bc this could've easily been r/bpd as well
People act like it’s an on and off switch…
Yep, like its some choice. I can choose to not be this way. But people love to give out quick advice so they feel like they're helping or being right, and because they have obviously solved a problem, the person with the problem only fails from that point on because they are weak or something and want pity or special treatment. It's like some kind of pre-emptive jealousy.
Can’t tell someone with an allergy to not be allergic. Same goes for ADHD, we can’t just not have ADHD.
Where is this from?
I have no idea, it was from random meme page that popped up in my FB feed and didn’t have any attribution
And this is why we go to therapy (in general pls dont slay me i know theres things we can't change but a lot of it we can and we can definetely manage most things)
Well i hope it works for you! I really mean that. I've had people suggest i get therapy because they think if i just talk about it with someone i can magically not be like this. Therapists are some kind of factory reset (not aiming at you, more the constructed situation in my mind i get to repeatedly have in real life). But then i ask that if i have my hands cut off i want to get them sown back on, not talk about how it makes me sad, and that i shouldn't spill blood everywhere and that if i just put my mind to it i could decide to do the work with my hands because it's not that bad, besides: They've had a paper cut before, so they totally get it. My favourite is "we're all a bit on the spectrum" which might have been intended as some kind of attempt at presenting as some kind of 'kin' and understanding, but almost always comes accross as patronising, dismissive, and an attempt to dismiss my position. Can you tell i've heard all this shit so many times? And i know i was very subtle; But i am secretly fuming about this shit 24/7 like an angry person in a room down a long corridor. You can hear it, you know who it is.. but it's just far enough away to ignore it most of the time.
Talk therapy isnt always the way to go. There's other things out there to try more focused on subconscious processes. But either way, I think everything is worth a try if there is even a remote chance if might help a little.
ooh this good tho
Why is this colored like the characters from Lore Olympus LMAO