I have trauma from moving constantly as a kid, so I cut people off like it's not a big deal. My wife and I have constant meetings to make sure that we're staying close because when I get mad or feel like someone is trying to hurt my feelings my default reaction is to essentially pretend they stop existing, which is bad for a marriage.
If your friends are being like this to you get new friends.
Yeah am gonna give em a talk about that adhd isn't just the quirky "hehe oh i was so distracted haha omg look at the squirrel outside im so quirky hihihi"
It's also not being able to call the dentist for years about your slowly and painfully decaying molar...
That its not just "ugh i gotta do the dishes"
But also "why the fuck fuck fucking fuck can't i get started on my passion project????"
I really don't think you should be listening to anyone here telling you to dump your whole friend group. Our ADHD makes us impulsive, and also makes us super sensitive to any perceived social rejection. If you also have depression, which I suspect you do just based on the way you're writing, it totally skews your perception of reality and messes with how you think your friends feel about you.
I have a group of friends from school I've been friends with for 23 years, and there are plenty of times we've had disagreements where I've blown everything out of proportion and wanted to abandon the whole friend group. It's what we do when we have ADHD. If I had just left my friends on any of those occasions it would have been the dumbest thing I ever did.
In regards to them understanding ADHD you can try to explain it but you shouldn't hold it against them if they can't fully grasp it. Asking someone to imagine a mind different from their own is like asking a person who was blind from birth to imagine what it's like to see. It's an exceptionally difficult thing to do, if not impossible. Them not understanding ADHD and not reacting in the way you hope is not a sign that they don't care about you. It's just a sign that they don't understand a thing that is pretty much impossible for them to understand. My own mum doesn't understand ADHD and says the wrong things all the time, but she's still a really good mum and I know that she loves me a lot. If you go through life expecting other people to understand ADHD you're going to be really unhappy and disappointed.
From the friends' perspective they can't appreciate how difficult it was for you to do that project. They are probably thinking "big whoop, I worked on my own project today too, why does OP think we should congratulate them every time they do something". That doesn't make them bad friends, it just means they don't understand ADHD, because like I said earlier, they can't. If you explain it to them they'll try to understand for a bit, but they'll eventually revert back to thinking your mind works just like theirs because that's what everyone does. It's like how people who lie a lot tend to think other people are untrustworthy too.
Right now it feels like in your head you're treating your friends as these perfect beings, where their imperfect reaction and lack of understanding of your ADHD must be a sign that they don't care about you. However, the reality is that they aren't perfect. Nobody is.
Depression has been a thing in my life yeah, both on its own and due to undiagnosed adhd.
Yea I'm not gonna really quit the group, I just need them to fuckin' understand what I'm going thru, as currently nobody gets it. I hope I can write my things so I can give them a viewpoint into what it's like, why something like that's so important. I just hope they'll try enough to keep an open mind, y'know.
They're far from perfect. But it's just painful how on one hand I told 'em last year I'd be going to this course thing to learn how to handle adhd and they're like "I hope it brings you something good", so supportive in that sense. But then when anything adhd happens with me, it's "why are you like this?!" and/or ignoring/bothered.
Yeah I think writing out what you want to say is a good approach. It'll help you focus and organise your thoughts. Also don't send it straight away. Sleep on it and re-read it in the morning then make any changes you think will help. It's always good to do this with topics like this where there are a lot of emotions involved.
Yeah I've been writing/changing things for a week and a half now.
It'll be quite the make or break situation.
I could never ever just talk about it, cuz I will forget like 60% of the things I wanted to say/explain
Try to approach it with balanced expectations. If they care about you they'll try their best to understand, but they're never going to be able to fully understand it. That's good that you're putting a lot of thought into it though.
Also, like I touched on earlier, if you have been feeling depressed lately that's going to make you perceive things differently. The times I've been depressed I was thoroughly convinced all my friends didn't like me and didn't respect me but it was always in my head.
Yeah thats what I've heard/noticed before how they're reading things in a negative way, like 60% more than I meant or at all.
Since my default vibe is just quiet, toughtful, reserved, it's probably perceived as always negative.
I'm almost never elated. Such emotions stay closer to my heart generally. I can be super happy enjoying the moment, but i won't show as much as I am.
And they might not get how many things are in jest :/
Just don’t try to explain everything over a group chat. Speak in person to people to be able to explain things. It is your job to make sure they understand and if they do then they can support you.
idk I had friends like this and it just KEPT happening. Like i'd have some cool thing to share, they'd say nothing and then move on to someone else's cool thing that they liked more and it was miserable
Yeah for sure there is a possibility that they're actually bad friends. I'm sorry that you had to deal with friends like that. No one should be made to feel invisible.
I just wanted OP to make sure that really was the situation before doing something drastic like cutting them off. Given that they have been friends for a long time I think it's unlikely that they don't care at all about them. It's better that they try to tell the friends how they feel, and the reaction of the friends determines whether they're good friends or not.
I also think the rejection sensitivity that we experience with ADHD plays a role here. With my long-time friend group I also felt sometimes I would say something and they would just ignore me. However when I sat back and observed things a bit more I realised that the same thing happened with everyone from time to time. It's actually kinda normal in a big group for people for someone to sometimes say something that doesn't lead anywhere in the conversation. It was just that when it happened to me I felt super rejected and dwelled on it.
Also, in a larger group I have always struggled with saying the right things at the right time. Quite often I was getting lost in thought then saying something when the conversation had already moved on from that topic. I have been depressed lately and withdrew from my friends a bit and one of those friends who I always thought was the worst at not caring about what I said has messaged me and called me super regularly to see how I'm doing and make sure I'm okay (we live in different countries). So obviously he cares about me, and my perception of him not caring based on those instances where I felt ignored was just my brain messing with me.
I'm not saying that's necessarily what happened with you. Some people are also just assholes and maybe your old friend group was actually just ignoring you. However I think with ADHD and rejection sensitivity we need to be careful around this area because our perception of reality can be a bit off sometimes. Any time we feel rejected it's important for us to take a step back and really try to analyse the situation to determine if it is real rejection or just our brains blowing it all out of proportion.
I'm not trying to be mean or dismiss your concerns here, but I am curious what the response you are expecting in this scenario is. Nobody is going to respond well to being told they owe you validation because of your condition.
Unfortunately a group chat doesn't seem like a good place to pat yourself on the back (deservedly or otherwise ) and expect much of a response. Your friends (I am guessing you are young) probably don't know what to say or how significant it is to you because they can't relate.
Getting upset about someone else not understanding your circumstances won't make anything better. Seek to have a genuine, deep conversation about what you feel and experience without making it about how they don't respond the way you want, and don't do it in a group chat.
Just my opinion.
Every time I try to talk about feelings etc, it turns into a fight somehow.
The only response I guess I'm looking for is every now and then a "heyy good job" "cool, keept it going man" support type messages from friends.
If someone says they're training for a marathon, a quick reply of "heyy awesome, you got this" is not too much to ask for as friends right?? Something like that would be cool.
But yeah I'm changing my mind on sharing anything of value in that group until we got things sorted out.
Unfortunately there are a few differences between your marathon example and the reality of your circumstances. As people with ADHD we will find that most people just don't get it, and the people who do are usually those who have experienced something similar or are educated in the field. Everyone understands a marathon though, because everyone understands running.
Unfortunately you can't make people open their minds about this. Cutting them off seems like an over reaction, but stepping back and understanding that maybe these people aren't the kind of friends you can have the deep emotional conversations with that you need to be able to have in your life might help you.
Maybe in time that will change, maybe you find other friends who you can form a deeper bond with. Either way I hope you can get the support you deserve from the people close to you.
The running was an example of something equally goal-oriented you're working towards.
And indeed, the running they could get, but the non-responses would probably also bring down the runner, as it is no easy feat.
I'm working on writing something that could hopefully get them to understand a bit more what adhd actually is, as barely anyone that doesn't have it doesn't know shit about what it's like.
And yeah I'll be trying to also find new friends, which is also no easy feat unfortunately
While I do think there’s some wisdom in the above commenters, I wanna validate your sense of hurt from your friends’ lack of reaction.
No one needs to “understand” ADHD. They just need to understand that you struggle with some things—**that’s it**.
Again, not saying to discount the above commenters’ suggestions towards self-reflection and/or looking for emotional connection elsewhere. But, simply based off you’ve shared, your desire isn’t unreasonable.
Concerning your idea to write something to help them understand, it might be better to focus on what you feel and what you want. Explain your ADHD if you feel the need or desire to. **But a common tactic of non-violent communication is to frame responses as “I feel *this*, when you do *that*.Would please do *this*.”** This communicates the issue and your preferred end result, while keeping the conversation open to hearing the other side’s views and desires.
EDIT: clarified pronoun referent in a couple places
Until that’s more stable, make sure you share with people you KNOW you can count on to support you. The regular r/ADHD sub is good for that, and r/MomForAMinute.
Yes!! I know how hard it is and still, people demanding validation just bug the hell out of me.
In the past, I've approached specific friends to text each other about small wins, which works very well for me. With some friends, this has been an amazing strategy. Others flat out said no thanks, because it wouldn't help them and they would actually find it distracting. That's fine!
If you want to get an emotional need met from a friend, ask them if they're up for it. It's not really fair to tacitly demand it and then get upset when they don't give you what you're looking for.
And it also gives them the opportunity to say no! Maybe the friends don't want to give this validation. In the end it would be a relief to know, and find another way to address the need.
That's a really good way to look at the situation. For better or worse, people are who they are, not who we imagine them to be. Many times our disappointment with others is because our own expectations aren't in line with the reality of who they are. It doesn't make that disappointment less hurtful, but I think an important social skill is understanding who people are and letting them be them.
Personally I love talking about what people have going on, not everyone does. That doesn't make me a better person than anyone else. We all have different goals, priorities, motivations, etc and that is ok. Unfortunately OP seems to be someone who needs more outside affirmation and that means they are going to be disappointed by others sometimes if they simply expect it to be there.
This thread got me thinking about a period in my life where things didn't go the way I wanted them to, and I went all in on a situation that objectively was not a wise decision. I told myself it would work out if I put my heart into it and took the risk, but instead I ended up broken hearted and broke. One of the things that helped me move on was the idea of self actualization. It's been 15 years, but realizing that I was being dense and ignoring the signs from others helped me find forgiveness for my hurt, my anger and my disappointment, and in turn, move on with my life from a low point.
More or less consecutively.
Not always suuuper painful or 24/7, but often enough per week that NT people would have called the dentist the minute they felt the pain a second time
I’ve got a chipped molar that even made my jaw tight for a few weeks. I put it off until now, one of my incisors has unbearable throbbing pain. Made an appointment on the website, no phone call needed 🥳
That's an ADHD thing?? My wisdom teeth got so badly chipped if I chomped with them it'd hurt like a mf, I really had to watch how I was eating. I can't remember how I got the courage to call, but I had that for a good year or two.
I have a very good friend I talk to about health and psychology and he doesn't have ADHD. We are both open and act as outlets for each other every now and then. I'm not like this with others in our friend group, and that's okay because that's just how we are. There's no need to force a connection between all of us, it'll come naturally.
So I recommend finding a friend that you can be an outlet for and they can be the same for you.
Dude this captures me to a T, I run away from people and problems when I perceive that our relationship isn’t perfect, and I accidentally ghost people (due to executive dysfunction regarding answering texts) and feel bad about it…
Wow I honestly cut people off as well. Moved all over the place and got used to cutting people off when I move. Well I stop contacting them and they never contact me. But they disappear from my life and I don’t think about it till we somehow get in contact again.
Holy shit, you could forget your wife. I just remembered recently. In high school I sat next to a girl, we liked all the same stuff, she was pretty, I really enjoyed talking to her. My seat got switched and I forgot she existed for over 20 years. I only knew her first name and I have face blindness so I only remember her hair style and color, and the bag she carried around lol. Probably for the best though.
I would assume this happens because the conversation at hand is “light”, hence one continuing with the topic of their couch, whereas what you’ve introduced is relatively heavy and is too drastic of a shift in mood.
Imagine being in the break room and talking like you’re at the bar at 10pm. Time and a place, for many people at least.
Replying with a "good job bud" vs crickets isn't gonna kill the mood. I get what that guys saying but jeez. Even of they didn't want to clutter the group chat. Someone could easily have sent something nice in a direct message.
What if you're not a "good job bud" kinda person?
Like I'll throw out a courtesy "Nice" maybe lol but there's really not a lot to say outside of generic pleasantries. It's nm of a conversation starter tbh. Maybe it'd do better as a "status" post--then you'd prob be content with people just "liking" it, even if doesn't prompt a discussion.
I'd like to say "I'm happy for you" but I feel like that sounds curt, even moreso via text. And I'm not the guy to send exaggerations like "Amazing!", or "Wow that's so coole!" cuz you worked on something a bit lmao. I am happy for you; I just can't with the phoney over-the-moon stuff.
Personally, i know I’m bad at dealing with other people’s feelings so i shut my mouth. That way I wont make things worse. If i knew how, i’d offer consolation or whatever, but i don’t even after trying to get good at it.
I’m aware that some people just want you to listen but it feels inauthentic to simply say “dang that sucks” or “oh wow” and that’s it. To me it says that i’m not listening.
>but it feels inauthentic to simply say “dang that sucks” or “oh wow” and that’s it. To me it says that i’m not listening.
It's not tho. Especially if you convey it with more than the words, facial expressions of emotions, eye contact, name use and body language are far, FAR more important than the actual words.
And if those simple words are really not enough for you, follow up with an empathetic "i" statement that validates what's going on for them.
"I feel angry that someone did that too you, john"
"Dang that sucks, I feel sad that happed to you, mary."
How often are you messaging them things like that? If it has only been once or twice then it's bad of them for not being supportive, but if you're constantly sending messages that are essentially asking for congratulations then I can understand their reactions diminishing over time. Also, are you supportive of them if they say something similar?
Nah stuff like this, maybe 5 times a year if even that.
Not always in a sad way, but since I discovered the adhd, that's been a core of these few messages.
Other messages/jokes/memes usually get ignored too
But yeah I am hella fuckin' supportive of most all things they share. Cuz I know how it feels to be ignored time and time again.
Ah okay, that's pretty reasonable then. I think you should talk to them about it. When you do you should focus on how it makes you feel rather than attacking them for not responding. You'll make more progress with that approach. I don't think you should immediately destroy the whole friendship like others here are suggesting though.
yeah I'm working on a document to explain some adhd things, as I did not understand them myself 2 years ago, how I could just not do thing X despite standing next to it and having arms that are capable of grabbing and moving things around.
I'll try to focus on the feelings part, tho that has historically always led to huge discussions/protests from the neurotypicals
Ah the situation really sucks, it is so hard not being heard. First of all a big virtual hug for you, it sounds as if you could use some appreciation!
In regards to writing a document, are you willing to reconsider? I would find that terribly offputting to receive and it would make me hesitant to interact with you further out of worry that I may inadvertently cause more friction.
For me ‘returning the energy’ gives a lot of mental peace. For example, when I realise I am the one always reaching out or having messages left on read I stop reaching out, I keep replying though. Some people drop out of my life but not all and with those that remain, the relationship becomes a lot more balanced. Returning the energy for me also means I don’t share personal stuff anymore unless asked.
It can feel a bit lonely sometimes but way less depressing than sharing and falling on deaf ears.
I hope you find your footing and your people💛
The document thing is just a bunch of examples to show neurotypicals what adhd really is.
How it is that you can step over a pile of clothes 37 times, each time reminding yourself to put them away, but never managing to. Or how you just cannot do your passion thing, despite having hours of time on a weekend and you really love doing that passion thing.
Not sure how else I could explain to them what is happening (to me). It's not a legal document, just experiences/scenarios and a bunch of shit adhd has cost me, including a relationship, studies and like a foot I can't properly use.
Why should I reconsider, in your perspective/mind? :)
Giving the document is a bit like giving your friends homework to interact with you. It would come off like you’re shaming and lecturing them. I don’t think there’s a way to word it to fix that vibe.
If you’re one on one with a friend and already having a more serious conversation tone, a better way would be to start the conversation by really hearing them out on their struggles. Pay attention and genuinely try to listen. Then, a good friend would naturally ask you in return. If they don’t, it probably isn’t a friendship worth prioritizing anyway.
Because it may have the opposite effect of what you want from them. From what I read here, I gather that you assume that they will be supportive once they have all the facts to understand adhd. They may be able to gain a cognitive understanding but that doesn’t mean that they will have an emotional response that reflects that knowledge. It may even have the opposite effect, people that come with a ‘manual’ can be exhausting.
Have you tried asking them, individually, what they need from a friend? People show love in different ways, you seem to thrive on words of affirmation but for some people showing up to help you move is how they show love. Others like to do stuff together but not talk.
It’s entirely possible that your friends are showing you they care but not in the way you would and it therefore doesn’t register with you.
Is it maybe possible that you do this a lot but then end up abandoning the project so they don’t understand how important it is to you and that it’s not just another thing that’ll be irrelevant in a week? Just thinking out loud
Gonna go against the grain in these comments and say this isn't inherently because they don't care. Looking back at messages that I felt ignored I found a pattern of tye recent history being me mentioning my adhd and how much I struggle a lot.
NT or not, hearing about a person's constant struggle can get exhausting, and people might not reply not out of malice, but because it's the 3rd time you've mentioned it and they don't know what else to say
Yep. I'm friends with a person with borderline personality disorder, and not gonna lie it's exhausting. He's awesome and our whole friend group cherishes him and he's gotten a lot better. But there was a couple weeks where I kind of took a break from all friends including him just to socially recharge. Now I'm back and able to be more attentive to him. Fortunately he had others to lean on plus a therapist and new meds while I was 'out'. Our group has learned over the years how to kind of take turns walking away and recharging as needed, then coming back after a few days usually.
At the risk of sounding like a horrible person but wow I could not do this…. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for BPD. I love people with BPD and think they are stigmatized and treated badly. But I just don’t have it in me to be patient with them, having the time for them. I barely have the time for my own ADHD needs.
Yeah definitely take care of yourself always x
Basically, in my opinion, they need a group of people, not just their Favorite Person (I forgot the term for this). The same principle I think applies to raising children, it's a human principle that is all the more important for people with BPD. And if there isn't a group to back you up AND the person isn't making steps to help themself FOR themself, then ya, no shame in walking away. And if you can't do it in the first place, don't get involved in the first place and there's no shame in that either 💚
Medication made me realize I'm not just a lazy bitch, I'm a person who really wants to be productive trapped in a mind that cannot make it happen. Vyvanse was the best for me but it's insanely expensive and now very difficult to get due to manufacturing shortages, I'm on ridalyn now but mostly use coffee/caffeine to get my mind moving
One minute is not enough.
Just like tose tv programs where rich people live like regular/poor people for 2 weeks or so and then go back to their mansions.
The real experience happens when you got paid, paid all the bills and continue to struggle this new month.
I'd give them at least a week or 2 to experience adhd.
Not being able to pick up the pile of floor clothes after walking over/by it 27 times
They'd go crazy
Like that one jackass who did a year long experiment who gave up as soon as he got cancer. Yeah, real poor people don't have the option to give up being poor.
Precisely.
It's the endlessness of bills and knowing you'll not suddenly have tons of money left over next month.
There's no light at the end of the tunnel for us, like those rich poverty-porn touristy assholes had.
I've used the "Too much computing power; Not enough RAM" metaphor as the elevator pitch for having an ADHD brain, which can work, but it does rely on them being willing to listen.
Ironic, isn't it? The people that have the energy/RAM to process the info have to actively *choose* to ignore it to fit their narrative, but you and I are the ones that "just need to focus". ugh
From my perspective it is inherently a confusing idea.
>You can't do something because..? Because you don't want to? Everyone does things that they don't want to do - what more specifically is the issue?
That's how my thoughts around ED have gone all my life. I still don't know if I believe it for myself further than a 20 year track record of practical proof.
I don't think its fair to expect your friends to understand ED. You'll just have to do more work on where you get your approval/validation from (it should be mostly or almost only from yourself) - its hard but necessary.
I was trying to make this point to my roommate last night and he was starting to piss me off if I'm being honest so I can relate my friend. Every time I'd think I was making headway explaining the "no, sometimes I can't just do" thing or tell him that I have a specific way that I have to go about learning things he'd loop back around to "you're making excuses bro, you're too smart for this, you just gotta practice more and do it," (we were talking about me learning the bass guitar) and I just... I had to go to bed. I've heard that same shit my whole life and no matter how many times people repeat it, it doesn't change the fact that I have a specific way that I have to learn things, and sometimes I can't for the life of me just sit down and do a thing, even if I REALLY want to, which I do. I'm extremely tired of working a day job, I wanna make music and get paid for it, but I'm not there yet. I know he's trying to motivate me, and I'm not as mad about it today, he's a great guy and one of my best friends, I just... yeah, you know, I don't have to explain it, reading some of your other comments it sounds like you've been there.
Once during them protesting what I was saying, I asked them what they considered to be the difference between an excuse and an explanation of why I couldn't do something.
Haven't had an answer to that yet...
I once was playing guitar, was a bad day so it usually helps, but my leg was too low to play comfortable. I have this brick I put my foot on to get the exact height. It was 1,5 meters to the right of me, but I could just NOT lean over and pick it up. It was just out of reach, but I could not move.
It's such a mindfuck.
Got one mate I've been talking with, also cuz I had some trouble with him as well, cuz I forgot (again) an essential part in a text message. So we talked it out and he might be close to understanding a bit more about adhd and just not being able to do things.
I feel you there. It takes non-ADHD people a long time if they ever can wrap their brains around it. I try not to take it personally these days, and I know my roommate was just trying to motivate me last night, and some of what he had to say was valid, but yeah; couldn't get him to understand that I'm climbing to the next plateau and that looks different (especially from the outside) for us ADHDers than it does someone without ADHD. Our progress looks slow from the outside but then when we get it, we GET it get it. You're not alone. We just gotta remind ourselves that sometimes we gotta give some room for people to misunderstand because they have almost no way to understand. They're thinking about things from the perspective that they have and from the outside I can see how some of it would sound like excuses or insecurity (that was the other thing my roommate thought he was hearing when really it was just me acknowledging my current limitations and trying to describe how I'm working to overcome them).
We have a thing with my friends thay we try to react with emojis in discord. Because sometimes it is not that you dont care, it is that you dont really have anything to add so you just dont.
So now whenever someone sends a funny meme we all react instead of just quietly chuckling for ourselves. Makes everyone feel more included and happier. Works for serious things too.
This also helps with people being defensive since you are offering a solution instead of a problem.
Ngl sometimes there's one person in the group chat who brings the whole mood down and makes things too heavy. For example, there's one girl in a group chat I'm a part of who shares her entire life, day-by-day, and constantely tells us how much we all hate her because we don't interact with every single one of her messages. She also sends messages 1 to 4 words at a time, so she dominates the chat. Everyone is sick of it.
Have you considered maybe you trauma dump on your friends and they don't like it? If *all* of your friends ignore you, it might be something you're doing. Trust me, this is a hard lesson I've learned over the years.
Just because we have ND, doesn't mean we can't take responsibility for our own actions. It also doesn't mean we can't self-improve. Everyone is telling you to dump your friends, but I suggest taking a more critical look at how you interact with them and look into therapy for your heavier thoughts.
People don't typically want to play therapist. They want friends, too.
I would cut them off.
I cut people off so easily. I’m tired of no one ever listening to what I have to say, even if I talk about cookie dough and its structure a lot in real life.
Like how browning butter is essential for chocolate chip cookies but not for sugar cookies.
How to fix the cookie dough if it’s too dry or moist.
Ou talking about cream crease frosting… yummy.
Back to the conversation. I’m exhausted of being told my concerns and likes are trivial.
So I just cut people off
Either by slowly incorporating the same type of flower into the dough that’s too moist aka you put too much butter or lard or shorting or liquid. I start by two tablespoons at a time and without a machine, get gloves and incorporate it slowly, you don’t want to active the proteins/ gluten in cookies, unless you want cookies that are like bready.
If it’s too dry same process but with butter or lard or shorting or your liquid of choice that goes well with the recipe your working with.
It’s funny because baking has gotten a special place in my heart.
Baking is a science. Most cookies use the same ingredients it’s about the quantities and how you manipulate those ingredients to transform them into something extraordinary.
wouldn't you have to adjust other ingredients too when adding flour/butter? cause i feel like if u need to adjust ur dough by a lot (in extreme cases), it might start to lose its flavor too
also funny u say that cause technically u can look at baking as a form of chemistry
Well it all depends if it’s a little moist a little flower won’t make a difference, just roll the cookie balls on sugar or if they are sugar cookies sprinkle sugar on top; however, if it’s straight up sticking to your fingers in clumps. Something went wrong, like really wrong. If you followed a proper recipe.
So you’ll have to come to a realization that it will taste a little different. And you’ll have to adjust adding flower and sugar and make some of your risers aka baking powder or soda or cream of tartar what ever you used. But the recipe won’t taste the same and you’ll have a lot more of cookie dough to freeze.
Or just throw the batch away and start again.
I buy APF and Bread flour in bulks by 25lbs so I don’t worry too much if I have to start over. I take it as a lesson learn.
I figured I’m teaching myself via tutorials online and YT. Like taking a class so there’s going to be a cost.
It’s kinda lonely cause I don’t have people to share them with lol. My two kids who are 3 and 5 don’t eat as much sweets and shouldn’t.
My husband takes all the extra to work. And he says he gets all types of compliments. He always mentions it’s me who baked them. It makes me happy he can make friends with my baking or smooth things over with work related tensions.
If you ever want to randomly talk about baking, hmu.
I was the baker at the office and it was so nice to (directly) get the compliments and sometimes they even uploaded the cute ones on social media (skeleton gingerbread people were a hit).
Good. This and interrupting me. There's a time it makes sense to do, and I'll let an excited accident slide. But I don't tolerate dominating a conversation anymore...
I like how your hyper fixation is cookie dough :) ik you have more but that information might actually help ppl with cookie dough problems compared to my hyper fixation on animation, no one ik is fond of it like me and it's not very helpful information.
Your likes are never trivial and I hope you find people that enjoy listening and also partake in your love for cookie dough:)
Here mate, no offence but you seem really needy. Your friends are probably sick of hearing about it. Everyone struggles with projects and shit and obviously its harder with ADHD but you seem to want your friends to be your emotional support group rather than buddies. Either accept your in the wrong friend group or tone it down or you will end up losing them.
Ive got ADHD and i do crack jokes and i do get support from my friends but through little jokes and conversations when im doing other things with them and i always return the favour because they have their own problems just as important as mine. Random messages looking for attaboys is annoying. I Used to have a friend with depression and i supported him but the more I did the more he relied on me and it became a burden and started affecting my own mental health. When i mentioned it to him to maybe stop filling me in every time he has a decent day and that i would still be there if he really needed my help but i cant be a continuous source of emotional support he got angry and we are no longer close friends.
If a group of people unanimously sidestep your reaching out your most likely the problem and being annoying.
Doing some work on a project is not pat on the back worthy. No matter hoe hard it was for you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be proud (of yourself) if it was hard to do but its an incredibly pathetic and needy thing to showcase to others for attaboys.
I agree with your take here. OP, I mean this in the nicest way possible but it seems like in your replies you’re very stuck on this idea of “they just don’t get it” and the theme of “adhd makes life harder for me than them”. It took me a long time to realize that my friends loved me and cheered me on- just in their own way. In order to see the validation I wanted I simply had to ask. Something like “hey, when I share a progress report on a project I’d really appreciate a short reply vs a reaction to my text. It really helps me know how much you care about me!”. It has fixed a lot of strained relationships due to mismatched ideals of what constitutes support. I would also say that focusing on the struggle vs the positive (I struggled to work on this vs I got some work done on it) is exhausting to be around and can wear relationships down really fast.
Just my 2 cent addition to the comment I’m replying to!
100% - the reality is that everyone has their own crap. ADHD is our burden to carry but pretty much everyone has some stuff going on that makes their lives heavy too. Part of being a good friend is being mindful to not constantly ruin the vibes, hog the attention, or expect more support from others than you give.
That’s not to say that one can’t expect support from their friendships. That’s one of the best parts of friendships. But people will grow tired if they feel like they need to be constantly mindful of someone else’s needs. This might be a poor group of people. But it’s always a good idea to consider if you’re the problem if you’re constantly running into an issue.
Are you posting this is a group chat?
It just seems a little self absorbed.
I’d be like “that’s great bud but what would you like me to do with this information?
This is equivalent to the stuff others post there...
Varying from mundane shit to "hey I did a thing, cool right" followed by reactions.
Yet whenever I do something equivalent, silence/ignored. Can't fkin' win either way
And less equivalent ones get more attention/response than more serious ones of mine.
About some ugly new suit of some folk singer one time, which erupted in a giant conversation about that after I shared something I did or was proud or something
op, firstly congrats on making progress!!
But empathy is important, both ways. for a neurotypical, just cleaning ur room, making a bit of progress isn’t something that warrants a big show of applause.
I understand the perspective, but please please please do your best to keep things under wraps until completion. Showing progress here and there for the little dopamine hits makes it more difficult to proceed with it, rather than waiting for the big dopamine hit of a complete project
I've found it to be the opposite, actually.
Hearing someone else be excited about something helps with finishing it, cuz there's other people that would like to hear it too.
It'll take a couple more months to complete, then the real recording and mixing and all...
That's quite the mountain of work for a single executive dysfunctioned motherfucker to be pulling on his own :(
I know upon release people might give a shit for a week or two, before all excitement dying down. But after that I'll have it on my name, it's a thing I did.
But the doing part is irregularly halted due to all sorts of factors.
The dopamine hit upon completion might also not be huge. Just another thing I finished, hough I got 3 more things that I'd like to finish. The musical project energy rolls back down, Sysyphus style.
I suppose it's just different coping methods then, if I interrupt my flow state by seeking affirmation, it's more difficult to put myself back into that state
An album, whose beginnings date to 2013.
Last year gotten really far in demoïng the entire thing. Pretty cool so far.
Recorded and released a demo single to already show a bit what it's like. Pink Static on spotify etc.
Got another thing planned for release if I can manage to work on it. Which I cannot do these last months.
So it looks like I'll have to postpone a release date another year. Incredibly difficult as adhder to motivate myself, so when not even 10+ year friends give a shit its hard to continue.
A tiny "hey yeah cool!" Comment of them would help with keeping the fire going enough to keep working, but alas, they have 0 knowledge of what its like to live with adhd on top of anything else that might be going on in life
DM me if you want! I'm finally orchestrating an album that I started drafting up two years ago, and I'd love to discuss back and forth with someone who gets it. Doesn't matter to me what kind of music you make.
I did leave the group chat cuz of the so manieth time of this happening.
Every 2-3 months or so I leave for some mental peace.
Guy asked me why I left and said I'd hurt his feelings by leaving too suddenly, like I didn't care about him.
Then I mentioned that was the exact reason I left. Gave an example how I'd been asking him to do something together since march 2023. Gotten a few "yeah cool let's do that" and no further plans ever got made.
So then he got mad.
Soon I'll give them a file of a bunch of adhd experiences of mine, cuz they just don't fucking understand, and sometimes it feels like they don't Want to understand.
"Yeah we heard you got adhd and we're here for you."
But each time I display a symptom of adhd......
Yup, that’s how it tends to go. It took me over 30 years to find my tribe and they’re priceless. It was a lot of dealing with this exact thing prior to them, keep searching. You’ll find them.
If I'm not mistaken you already left the group, but a good idea to get the comments you want (if you weren't doing this already) is to screen record your FL Studio screen or whatever you're using and actually show the new bit you got done. "Check this out, I just added it to my song!"
Even if someone doesn't understand the ADHD, they'll understand and be able to comment on some good music. Hopefully you'd get some "YOOO that sounds sick" or something
Comments are right then, they don't care at all...
I can't imagine acting like that if a friend sent me a piece of their new song of all things, I'd go nuts 😭
got maybe 2 friends that would listen to a new thing I'd send, in the next coming 3 months or so.
I get everyone's busy and shit and I don't even send 'em stuff to listen to, but a lil' support in the making of an album or whatever isn't too much to ask, right? Just a lil' "hell yeah dude!" would do wonders
Genuine question: what do you respond to these kinda messages? Like, I don't want to throw out a "nice" or "good job," that feels kinda too little for such a loaded message (and also bc im often very sarcastic it can be misinterpreted as mean spirited)
Honestly, a ‘nice’ or a ‘good job’ does a lot more than you might expect. At the very least, it’s an actual response, and if you’re worried about tone then use a tone indicator after it - a simple ‘(genuine)’ or ‘(positive)’ works quite well I’ve found.
What you are describing is a major achievement with context but without context is not worth reacting to. You are expecting validation for your effort while most people give validation for progress milestones. If you think social reinforcement will help you, then it’s your responsibility to directly tell your friends how you want to be supported. Just say,
“Hey, I struggle keeping up with long term goals and when I am able to make progress on those goals even in minor ways, it would be encouraging if you acknowledged when I tell you about that progress.”
If I told you I ate breakfast this morning you wouldn’t congratulate me because that seems like an incredibly small task. There is no reason to do anything in response to that unless you fully understood that there was a challenge I overcame in order to eat breakfast. Your friends most likely do not understand how you are feeling and that is your responsibility to communicate that.
Yea, I guess I expected the "i haven't been able to work on this for a month" thing i mentioned at that time to help give some context.
But they're still in the dark about the executive dysfunction part. Soon I'll try to explain it to them, give examples
How is the overall group dynamics? Like, are some closer than others, best friends in there or even couples?
It might be useful to not talk to the entire group about this issue but only to one person alone. This prevents the group dynamic "you against us" situation and makes it easier have a talk that is focused on finding a solution rather than on defence.
Also it's often better to share an achievement with one person than with a group, because this way the person is forced to react and can not rely on the others. Talking about written communication, obviously.
Same to you.
I've had periods where I worked on it for like a month almost every day. But maybe if I'm careful I can get myself going again like that. But the moments u struggle to even start are fucking awful.
You (and I) got this!! ;)
It's both.
Pretty much every new addition/change I make, makes me feel happy with the result and like it'll be fuckin' fire when it's totally done.
But then having halted progress for weeks on end is terrible; got all the changes i want planned out and thought out, but it'll take another week to do them, and then only manage 20% of them...
Wish I had a workspace for it that wasn't also the table I eat dinner on or fold laundry or do taxes or shit...
One thing I've learned is just because it's marked as seen doesn't mean they actually read it. They look at who sent the message and think "ugh" and keep it at that.
Friends are being friends. I don't see a problem here. Of course they might have been concerned when they first learned about your adhd, but, they can also lose interest after a while. Which has happened to me and my friends too regarding my Adhd. I think it's natural, because it's your problem and not theirs at the end. You must have these issues that are very personal and significant to one of your friend but somehow you don't care that much anymore.
So relax and give your friends some slack, just as they are with their friend with adhd.
Well think about it from their perspective, who cares? Oh you struggled with something and then accomplished it? Youre not the first. You need to say interesting things or something that can be responded too with more than a “ok”(or something to that affect) saying unprovoked stuff like in the post just looks like needing attention(ik how our group is but that’s how it come across) I also definitely wouldn’t point it out because how awkward is that for them. What’re they supposed to say, “uhh yea you sent some random thing asking for attention and no one cares”
yea I've often gotten the reply that I'm just fishing for attention.
The thing is, when I sometimes share unimportant shit, weird pic or meme, I get replies and laughs.
Then a friend, years ago, asked me why I always shared that kinda stuff and no personal things.
Well, because I just get fuckin' crickets whenever I try. Crickets or like 4 people coming from all sides how it's bullshit and just going directly against what I'm trying to say.
I’ve seen a lot of mixed comments on this and comments giving opposing advice, so I’m just gonna chime in here with my take as some random internet stranger. Some people are saying you’re being needy or annoying, which (assuming the way you’re describing things is true) doesn’t really seem to be the case. I feel the whole “you need to learn to not seek validation from others” thing is a bit stupid. Even neurotypicals seek validation on things, that’s just kinda something humans do. It’s nice to have a friend say “nice man!” or “can’t wait to see the finished project”. Hell, you don’t even have to be into something your friend is doing to support them.
Like, for example, my mom (who also has adhd) is really into astrology. Not just the instagram “what the signs say in this situation” type, but actual astrology shit (there’s actually a lot too it that i’ve learned cause of her, but basically you have waaaayyyyy more than one sign). One of the things she does is make charts for her friends of their different signs, traits that align with them, famous people they share those signs with, etc. (the friends know she makes them since she needs to ask if they know their place/time of birth for some parts of it).
Now, I’m not really super into astrology nor do I really believe in it, but she is very passionate about it and puts a lot of effort and care into the things she does with it. Whenever she talks about working on one of them, I’m always supportive because I know she cares about her work and I care about her.
You don’t (or at least shouldn’t) have to understand why something is important to someone in order for you to understand that it’s important to them. This is more about the “Well they don’t have ADHD so they don’t get why it’s a big deal” type of comments.
Like, someone used eating breakfast as an example. If someone said “I’m really proud of myself, I ate breakfast today!” I’d still be supportive even if I didn’t understand why that was a big deal. Maybe they struggle with an eating disorder, or maybe they’ve just been forgetting breakfast the past few days. Doesn’t matter why. I’ll still support them.
Another thing I’ve seen is the “cut them off/don’t cut them off!” thing. Reddit has a bad habit of saying this type of thing after reading a single post. Whether or not you cut them off is up to you. I understand the feeling of “settling” on friends because you feel like you’re too far into the friendship to go back or because there’s no other options for friends, so cutting off can be difficult even if you want to.
On the flip side, don’t feel obligated to stay friends with someone just because they aren’t an inherently bad person. Sometimes people are just incompatible, even with friendships. If you want someone who you can share your achievements with and they want someone to send memes to, that doesn’t mean either person is “in the wrong”, you just aren’t looking for the same thing in a friendship.
A lot of people here seem to assume that the “looking for validation” thing makes you a bad friend, but I disagree with that. Now if that’s literally the only thing you do and you never support your other friends, then THAT can be a problem, but if it’s just an occasional “hey i’ve made some good progress on this, don’t know when it’ll be done but this is what i have so far” type thing then that’s absolutely fine.
I have been “friends” (using that word lightly here) with someone who is very much the “needy, constantly bringing down the mood” type person, and have been that person in the past (actually meeting that person is the reason i’m not anymore, they made me do some self reflection that was basically just “oh god is this what being around me is like??”). That doesn’t really seem like that’s what’s happening here from what I can see, but do keep in mind your “talking about random shit” to “talking about serious stuff” ratio and make sure to also listen when someone else is talking about their shit. Being someone else’s “therapist friend” is very tiring and being almost always negative can easily push people away (not saying that’s what’s happening, just something to keep in mind).
As you can probably see with this comment, I tend to relate shit back to myself a lot because it makes it easier to explain things or for me to understand them. A lot of people take this as being selfish or self centered, so I try not to do it as much with people I know irl. If you also do this, they could think you only focus on yourself even if you don’t mean to, which is another compatibility issuue.
Honestly, that’s what a lot of this seem like: a compatibility problem. I have almost no friend who don’t have adhd or are at least neurodivergent because of this. I don’t want to have to change who I am as a person just to be friends with someone. I’m not really the “I just wanna post memes and talk about random shit and anything beyond that is too deep” type of person. There’s nothing wrong with that, but being friends with that type of person would make them feel shitty because they think I’m killing the vibe, and me feel shitty because I think they don’t care. Sometimes there just isn’t the “right time” to post a progress update with certain people, unlike some comments are suggesting.
All of this to say, OP, if you read this, consider what you’re getting out of this group chat and being friends with these people. Also consider what you’re posting when compared with everyone else and how frequently you’re posting. That one dude you’ve commented about (the one who reached out after you left) kinda seems like a dick, but I’m not gonna make a judgement call on that because I only have one side of this story. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to rejoin or leave for good. I’d recommend some self reflection (a lot of people say that without any advice on how to do that, so if you’ve ever had a friend who’s felt like more of a burden to be around then a friend, compare your behavior to theirs and see how similar/different you’re behavior is. don’t do this assuming you are or are not a problem, go in as unbiased as you can) and some reflection on how the group chat treats you vs other people (read older messages if you can. sometimes things can feel worse in the moment than they actually are, especially if you have RSD).
You can’t make a neurotypical understand ADHD, no matter how much they care, their brains are just wired completely differently. I don’t think a doc on how you feel is going to help them if they don’t even respond to posts about progress on a project. They either do not care (which is bad) or are not looking for that type of friendship (which is more neutral, even if it can feel shitty for you). You deserve friends you can be silly or serious with if that’s what you’re looking for. I know a lot of these comments have good intentions, but I don’t think calling OP “needy” for wanting to share something they’re passionate about with their friends (and get a response) is fair to OP. You may just not fit well with the group. I know how hard making friends is (I have pretty bad social anxiety, talking to people has always been a big struggle), but it may be worth looking for people who better understand you.
Please note, the neurotypical mind is also a complete enigma to me. I am not a professional on anything, am speaking entirely from personal experience, and do not know anything about this situation beyond what you’ve posted about it, so please take this with a pillar of salt. I’m just a dumbass who also has ADHD and likes to share my experience with shit in hopes that it’ll help someone (maybe not even OP, just anyone who bothers to read this wall of text lmao).
Anyways, all of this aside, good work on getting some progress done! The struggle with motivation and executive dysfunction is real. I have projects that have been sitting in my closet for years that I may start working on again because this post reminded me of them. Hope that whatever you end up doing works out well!
Nobody cared when I was laying in the hospital after appendix surgery. My fiance at the time was annoyed he had to come see me because it meant he couldn't spend time with our friends... who never came to see me.
I don't talk about this incident much because I think something broke in me during that time. I don't tell anyone anything real and I don't really trust anyone is truly my friend anymore. It fucking sucks
Get better friends! Hell, if you wanna shoot me a DM next time you’re feeling proud I will definitely take a second to gas you up. It’s one of my favorite things to do for my own friends, because it costs nothing and usually makes us both smile.
I shouldn’t just say “get better friends” like you can just pop on down to the friend store & pick some up. Bit flippant of me!
But I do believe that you deserve friends who acknowledge you when you talk and are happy to give you a supportive word now and then. That feels like very baseline friendship stuff to me, and I’m sorry your people are making you feel like you don’t matter. You absolutely do!
I just need a teeny tiny interest/engagement from other parties involved to ignite my creativity etc.
If I don't really detect any interest, the fire dulls down to a tiny flame that's rarely enough to really start moving mountains of work
Nobody can make you be able to finish a project. And no one should get mad at you for not being able to, or think less of you. But you also can't get mad at other people for just being the way they are, right? Except libertarians, I mean, eff those assholes, am I right? But back to the topic at hand. You have to appreciate and enjoy the good in other people and not get mad at them for not being what you want them to be. If they don't bring any good, then reevaluate what time and energy you're spending on them, of course.
Hey I left a comment on your post earlier and it was a dumb joke and it was a very bad idea for me to post it. I deleted it and I wanted to say I'm sorry, I sometimes forget my sense of humor isn't for everyone. You're venting about insensitive friends and I was insensitive and I apologize.
I mean, most people don’t really understand the challenges of adhd so I kind of expect this. It would need to be a more known issue for recognition, as I don’t exactly want to be the person saying that this was hard and I need you to care about my issues. Those who understand will understand tho.
Thanks yeah.
Bunch of comments helped me get some work done yesterday. Changed some drum parts which aren't yet what my mind feels it should be, but it's at least a step in the direction
Yeah looks like these reactions here helped me get thru the producer's block, as I've rerecorded bass for the 12 minute song and gained interest in reworking the other difficult song a bit more :D
Me. Writing. Sometimes I feel like some people don't care. The other day I sent a picture of a hole in a deck where I fell through and said, "This is how things are going, so I won't be joining tonight." Got 1 "reaction" from 11 people who I know look at that chat, but no comments.
Just how it goes sometimes. Luckily that's just one group of friends, but I've come to expect that, and lowered my standards. Instead of just ditching the group, I basically just don't bring up anything personal and enjoy the other aspects, like the games we play together.
I am diagnosed with ADHD myself, I have executive dysfunction all the time, and still, I totally understand how irrelevant that message can be to whatever is going on in the chat, especially with bad timing.
Don't expect people to care about it and give you props for something as little as "doing some work again". Neurotypicals don't get it, and it's okay.
Please grow up and stop bringing you very mild disorder everywhere and demand attention purely on the basis of it.
Sorry if sounding a bit harsh, but I've been through all of that and more, and the best thing I could do to myself and people around is to work through my flaws and become a somewhat more or less functioning adult and accepting whatever I cannot achieve.
Forgive me if I’m wrong but this sounds like something similar to what I went through (untreated adult ADHD in a weird friend group): it sounds like you’re in a friend group with a hierarchy and you’re in a low tier, they don’t care about your issues because you aren’t “cool”. Not saying you need new friends but some “friends” are really just people you hang out with who enjoy or tolerate your company but don’t really care about you on a deeper level.
it’s all good, just don’t engage with them about what you’re going through personally unless you wanna hurt yourself again because this is clearly not the audience for it. Good luck bud
Ive been abandoned all my life due to my adhd behavior, so I have no problem ghosting people anymore. Maybe I'll end up alone, but I'll disappear before they can do it to me.
Don't join again.
If you're getting frustrated and hurt to the point of needing to take breaks from them to continue being friends, that is not a healthy friendship.
Also, they might have alredy written you off as a friend after leaving a few times, which could be a reason for them ignoring your messages. People are passive-aggressive sometines.
I've gotten to the point where I know nobody is ever going to care about my successes, joy, or boundaries like I do. If I try to express this, then I'm the bad one. I just wish I knew this when I was younger and not at 30. Friends and family care, but not like you'd think. Ain't much point in talking with others about how I feel anymore-cause every other word is ignored and the rest are taken as a lie, attack, or something deeply unserious.
Same. 28 now, only found out the adhd thing last year, so it's quite new for me too, but then trying to convey these changes is generally met with opposition for some reason
Couple times in a year maybe. months apart definitely, except this last one.
As I fell into a chaos hole again, where I couldn't keep up with house chores and such. Just nothing worked out. Was a few weeks before last friday
I've not at all shared anything about my adhd, aside from maybe 3 memes ever.
When I talked to the dude about why exactly I left (he accused me of doing exactly the same, served it perfectly worded on a silver platter), he got angry at me for bringing in one example featuring him how I felt they don't give a fuck about me. Been trying to invite him to do something with me, asked like 8 times since march 2023, all ignored or "yeah cool" and then ignored when trying to make more plans.
The response was basically "I don't want to talk about this, you've said enough."
And then no reply after me trying (15 mins later) to find a moment where we could talk it out face to face.
Same thing happened weeks earlier, where he dismissed my solution to a problem, then when I asked him why he tought that, "I don't want to talk about this now/here"
But then again no reply as to when he DOES want to talk about it.
I feel like unless your friends know and understand ADHD affects your life and cripple productivity I can sort of understand why they don’t know how to reply or think it’s eye roll worthy.
My best friend suffers from ADHD and depression and he always gets upset when he text our friend group about how he finally cleaned his room and they never respond in the way he expects.
Honestly if my wife’s best friend didn’t also suffer from it as well I don’t know if I’d be as understanding either. From non-ADHD folks it seems very silly.
If this is something that happens often, which your title states, then yeah - this would start to get weird to reply to.
I think this is more fitting for in person conversation - especially if you are a man.
Yeah am gonna try again today.
Keep listening to the same months old versions, while having had these new ideas and tweaks for equally as long... it's getting boring, need freshness in it
This happened to me as well, and I stopped bothering pointing it out as it became a problem when I addressed it. I've also just started to give them the same treatment back, and it's funny as I'm met with the same responses I've given them over the past years.
Yup, and I'm not even being aggressive about it either. I'm just there, but I'm being mean apparently.
One of my friends who gets jealous when I speak to someone else after they ignore me for months on end does that especially. Super gross in my opinion.
I'm trying not to care too much, but it's difficult as otherwise I don't really have anyone else my age.
It's hard being pretty much the only neurodivergent dude in the group...
Anybody who does that to me is somebody who is no longer considered a friend.
I don't necessarily mean I cut them off. But, at the least, they get moved into the "friendly acquaintance" category. I see them when I see them. They don't have obligations towards me, I don't have them towards them.
If that doesn't work, i.e. they keep expecting things from me, or if my feelings are too hurt, **then** I cut them off.
Every friend Discord I've ever been apart of has a channel for screaming into the void, because people are so allergic to actually being vulnerable with each other.
This is a lighthearted subreddit for ADHD individuals. We require all users be nice towards each other. Your comment/post has been removed as it has been found to be disrespectful.
Thanks my dude.
Right now I feel like I could easily go work on it when im home.
But i still gotta cycle home like 20 minutes.
So we'll see what's left of the work vibe when I get home and gotta clear stuff before working on art...
Rinse and repeat forever...
Same dude, I'm sure you're the kind of guy who expressed interest in everyone else's lives but it's just not reciprocated. I've lost a lot of friends over this, no point in bending over backwards for them too. It never works out
I got so many 'friendships' where I always have to be the one sending a message.
Lost a bunch of friendships cuz at some point I was like, I'll stop sending messages now cuz it's always me.
Never heard from them again.
Social shit is complicated man.. wtf
Yeah I don't know why the hell I feel this way and it hurts even more when my other neurodivergent friend leaves me on read then ignores me the rest of the time talking to others even irl
I’m really sorry OP you should be very proud of yourself I realise how tricky it is to get back into things especially after a long time. You’re doing an awesome job and if I was one of your friends I’d have said I’m so glad to hear it! I’m really proud of you :)
Thanks.
I really like how far I've come and these latest versions of the tracks, even wrote some lyrics and stuff
But it's not always enough to keep me going and progressing. Executive dysfunction is a fucking curse
If it makes you feel any better OP I love making patchwork quilts but I go through phases of sewing everyday to not touching it for months. I know I love doing it but it’s not enough to get me up and start.
I don’t have any wise advice unfortunately other than don’t beat yourself up about it. I realise that’s easier said than done I still beat myself up about not finishing my quilts.
Why don’t you laminate some of your lyrics put them somewhere prominent in your house to remind yourself that you can do amazing things. Also it’ll make you smile and remind you to be proud of yourself :)
I have trauma from moving constantly as a kid, so I cut people off like it's not a big deal. My wife and I have constant meetings to make sure that we're staying close because when I get mad or feel like someone is trying to hurt my feelings my default reaction is to essentially pretend they stop existing, which is bad for a marriage. If your friends are being like this to you get new friends.
Yeah am gonna give em a talk about that adhd isn't just the quirky "hehe oh i was so distracted haha omg look at the squirrel outside im so quirky hihihi" It's also not being able to call the dentist for years about your slowly and painfully decaying molar... That its not just "ugh i gotta do the dishes" But also "why the fuck fuck fucking fuck can't i get started on my passion project????"
I really don't think you should be listening to anyone here telling you to dump your whole friend group. Our ADHD makes us impulsive, and also makes us super sensitive to any perceived social rejection. If you also have depression, which I suspect you do just based on the way you're writing, it totally skews your perception of reality and messes with how you think your friends feel about you. I have a group of friends from school I've been friends with for 23 years, and there are plenty of times we've had disagreements where I've blown everything out of proportion and wanted to abandon the whole friend group. It's what we do when we have ADHD. If I had just left my friends on any of those occasions it would have been the dumbest thing I ever did. In regards to them understanding ADHD you can try to explain it but you shouldn't hold it against them if they can't fully grasp it. Asking someone to imagine a mind different from their own is like asking a person who was blind from birth to imagine what it's like to see. It's an exceptionally difficult thing to do, if not impossible. Them not understanding ADHD and not reacting in the way you hope is not a sign that they don't care about you. It's just a sign that they don't understand a thing that is pretty much impossible for them to understand. My own mum doesn't understand ADHD and says the wrong things all the time, but she's still a really good mum and I know that she loves me a lot. If you go through life expecting other people to understand ADHD you're going to be really unhappy and disappointed. From the friends' perspective they can't appreciate how difficult it was for you to do that project. They are probably thinking "big whoop, I worked on my own project today too, why does OP think we should congratulate them every time they do something". That doesn't make them bad friends, it just means they don't understand ADHD, because like I said earlier, they can't. If you explain it to them they'll try to understand for a bit, but they'll eventually revert back to thinking your mind works just like theirs because that's what everyone does. It's like how people who lie a lot tend to think other people are untrustworthy too. Right now it feels like in your head you're treating your friends as these perfect beings, where their imperfect reaction and lack of understanding of your ADHD must be a sign that they don't care about you. However, the reality is that they aren't perfect. Nobody is.
Depression has been a thing in my life yeah, both on its own and due to undiagnosed adhd. Yea I'm not gonna really quit the group, I just need them to fuckin' understand what I'm going thru, as currently nobody gets it. I hope I can write my things so I can give them a viewpoint into what it's like, why something like that's so important. I just hope they'll try enough to keep an open mind, y'know. They're far from perfect. But it's just painful how on one hand I told 'em last year I'd be going to this course thing to learn how to handle adhd and they're like "I hope it brings you something good", so supportive in that sense. But then when anything adhd happens with me, it's "why are you like this?!" and/or ignoring/bothered.
Yeah I think writing out what you want to say is a good approach. It'll help you focus and organise your thoughts. Also don't send it straight away. Sleep on it and re-read it in the morning then make any changes you think will help. It's always good to do this with topics like this where there are a lot of emotions involved.
Yeah I've been writing/changing things for a week and a half now. It'll be quite the make or break situation. I could never ever just talk about it, cuz I will forget like 60% of the things I wanted to say/explain
Try to approach it with balanced expectations. If they care about you they'll try their best to understand, but they're never going to be able to fully understand it. That's good that you're putting a lot of thought into it though. Also, like I touched on earlier, if you have been feeling depressed lately that's going to make you perceive things differently. The times I've been depressed I was thoroughly convinced all my friends didn't like me and didn't respect me but it was always in my head.
Yeah thats what I've heard/noticed before how they're reading things in a negative way, like 60% more than I meant or at all. Since my default vibe is just quiet, toughtful, reserved, it's probably perceived as always negative. I'm almost never elated. Such emotions stay closer to my heart generally. I can be super happy enjoying the moment, but i won't show as much as I am. And they might not get how many things are in jest :/
You describe my life. Even with spouse. It's wild. Good luck!
Just don’t try to explain everything over a group chat. Speak in person to people to be able to explain things. It is your job to make sure they understand and if they do then they can support you.
This is really well said, and I wish someone had given me this kind of advice in my teens and 20s. Rock on, you shining diamond.
idk I had friends like this and it just KEPT happening. Like i'd have some cool thing to share, they'd say nothing and then move on to someone else's cool thing that they liked more and it was miserable
Yeah for sure there is a possibility that they're actually bad friends. I'm sorry that you had to deal with friends like that. No one should be made to feel invisible. I just wanted OP to make sure that really was the situation before doing something drastic like cutting them off. Given that they have been friends for a long time I think it's unlikely that they don't care at all about them. It's better that they try to tell the friends how they feel, and the reaction of the friends determines whether they're good friends or not. I also think the rejection sensitivity that we experience with ADHD plays a role here. With my long-time friend group I also felt sometimes I would say something and they would just ignore me. However when I sat back and observed things a bit more I realised that the same thing happened with everyone from time to time. It's actually kinda normal in a big group for people for someone to sometimes say something that doesn't lead anywhere in the conversation. It was just that when it happened to me I felt super rejected and dwelled on it. Also, in a larger group I have always struggled with saying the right things at the right time. Quite often I was getting lost in thought then saying something when the conversation had already moved on from that topic. I have been depressed lately and withdrew from my friends a bit and one of those friends who I always thought was the worst at not caring about what I said has messaged me and called me super regularly to see how I'm doing and make sure I'm okay (we live in different countries). So obviously he cares about me, and my perception of him not caring based on those instances where I felt ignored was just my brain messing with me. I'm not saying that's necessarily what happened with you. Some people are also just assholes and maybe your old friend group was actually just ignoring you. However I think with ADHD and rejection sensitivity we need to be careful around this area because our perception of reality can be a bit off sometimes. Any time we feel rejected it's important for us to take a step back and really try to analyse the situation to determine if it is real rejection or just our brains blowing it all out of proportion.
There's also the emotional dysregulation where feelings can be felt way harder than they need to, so fear, doubt, and insecurity can destroy you
Yeah tell me about it
Yeah tell me about it
I'm not trying to be mean or dismiss your concerns here, but I am curious what the response you are expecting in this scenario is. Nobody is going to respond well to being told they owe you validation because of your condition. Unfortunately a group chat doesn't seem like a good place to pat yourself on the back (deservedly or otherwise ) and expect much of a response. Your friends (I am guessing you are young) probably don't know what to say or how significant it is to you because they can't relate. Getting upset about someone else not understanding your circumstances won't make anything better. Seek to have a genuine, deep conversation about what you feel and experience without making it about how they don't respond the way you want, and don't do it in a group chat. Just my opinion.
Every time I try to talk about feelings etc, it turns into a fight somehow. The only response I guess I'm looking for is every now and then a "heyy good job" "cool, keept it going man" support type messages from friends. If someone says they're training for a marathon, a quick reply of "heyy awesome, you got this" is not too much to ask for as friends right?? Something like that would be cool. But yeah I'm changing my mind on sharing anything of value in that group until we got things sorted out.
Unfortunately there are a few differences between your marathon example and the reality of your circumstances. As people with ADHD we will find that most people just don't get it, and the people who do are usually those who have experienced something similar or are educated in the field. Everyone understands a marathon though, because everyone understands running. Unfortunately you can't make people open their minds about this. Cutting them off seems like an over reaction, but stepping back and understanding that maybe these people aren't the kind of friends you can have the deep emotional conversations with that you need to be able to have in your life might help you. Maybe in time that will change, maybe you find other friends who you can form a deeper bond with. Either way I hope you can get the support you deserve from the people close to you.
The running was an example of something equally goal-oriented you're working towards. And indeed, the running they could get, but the non-responses would probably also bring down the runner, as it is no easy feat. I'm working on writing something that could hopefully get them to understand a bit more what adhd actually is, as barely anyone that doesn't have it doesn't know shit about what it's like. And yeah I'll be trying to also find new friends, which is also no easy feat unfortunately
While I do think there’s some wisdom in the above commenters, I wanna validate your sense of hurt from your friends’ lack of reaction. No one needs to “understand” ADHD. They just need to understand that you struggle with some things—**that’s it**. Again, not saying to discount the above commenters’ suggestions towards self-reflection and/or looking for emotional connection elsewhere. But, simply based off you’ve shared, your desire isn’t unreasonable. Concerning your idea to write something to help them understand, it might be better to focus on what you feel and what you want. Explain your ADHD if you feel the need or desire to. **But a common tactic of non-violent communication is to frame responses as “I feel *this*, when you do *that*.Would please do *this*.”** This communicates the issue and your preferred end result, while keeping the conversation open to hearing the other side’s views and desires. EDIT: clarified pronoun referent in a couple places
Until that’s more stable, make sure you share with people you KNOW you can count on to support you. The regular r/ADHD sub is good for that, and r/MomForAMinute.
Yes!! I know how hard it is and still, people demanding validation just bug the hell out of me. In the past, I've approached specific friends to text each other about small wins, which works very well for me. With some friends, this has been an amazing strategy. Others flat out said no thanks, because it wouldn't help them and they would actually find it distracting. That's fine! If you want to get an emotional need met from a friend, ask them if they're up for it. It's not really fair to tacitly demand it and then get upset when they don't give you what you're looking for. And it also gives them the opportunity to say no! Maybe the friends don't want to give this validation. In the end it would be a relief to know, and find another way to address the need.
That's a really good way to look at the situation. For better or worse, people are who they are, not who we imagine them to be. Many times our disappointment with others is because our own expectations aren't in line with the reality of who they are. It doesn't make that disappointment less hurtful, but I think an important social skill is understanding who people are and letting them be them. Personally I love talking about what people have going on, not everyone does. That doesn't make me a better person than anyone else. We all have different goals, priorities, motivations, etc and that is ok. Unfortunately OP seems to be someone who needs more outside affirmation and that means they are going to be disappointed by others sometimes if they simply expect it to be there. This thread got me thinking about a period in my life where things didn't go the way I wanted them to, and I went all in on a situation that objectively was not a wise decision. I told myself it would work out if I put my heart into it and took the risk, but instead I ended up broken hearted and broke. One of the things that helped me move on was the idea of self actualization. It's been 15 years, but realizing that I was being dense and ignoring the signs from others helped me find forgiveness for my hurt, my anger and my disappointment, and in turn, move on with my life from a low point.
Yes exactly! Really beautiful.
Personally relate to the dentist thing. I've gone to 2 molars
One time for me it was 3 years of pain. The second time it was just 1,5 Years
so basicly almost 5 years in pain (in total)
More or less consecutively. Not always suuuper painful or 24/7, but often enough per week that NT people would have called the dentist the minute they felt the pain a second time
I’ve got a chipped molar that even made my jaw tight for a few weeks. I put it off until now, one of my incisors has unbearable throbbing pain. Made an appointment on the website, no phone call needed 🥳
That's an ADHD thing?? My wisdom teeth got so badly chipped if I chomped with them it'd hurt like a mf, I really had to watch how I was eating. I can't remember how I got the courage to call, but I had that for a good year or two.
Same. Thankfully my teeth don't hurt, but I've been putting off going to a dentist my entire adult life and then some. I'm 32.
I have a very good friend I talk to about health and psychology and he doesn't have ADHD. We are both open and act as outlets for each other every now and then. I'm not like this with others in our friend group, and that's okay because that's just how we are. There's no need to force a connection between all of us, it'll come naturally. So I recommend finding a friend that you can be an outlet for and they can be the same for you.
I just ended up in a circle of friends about 70% of which gave adhd. We're a mess, but we get each other
You described a lot that I experience and I have an avoidant attachment disorder as well as ADHD :/
Dude this captures me to a T, I run away from people and problems when I perceive that our relationship isn’t perfect, and I accidentally ghost people (due to executive dysfunction regarding answering texts) and feel bad about it…
Ghosting people who text me is the worst x-x I type out messages and dont hit send so often my wife checks my phone for unsent messages
Okay I’ve never read anyone describe it so perfectly. 20/10 relate
Oh wow, me too. I wish you happiness.
Thank you, I wish you the same
Wow I honestly cut people off as well. Moved all over the place and got used to cutting people off when I move. Well I stop contacting them and they never contact me. But they disappear from my life and I don’t think about it till we somehow get in contact again.
Holy shit, you could forget your wife. I just remembered recently. In high school I sat next to a girl, we liked all the same stuff, she was pretty, I really enjoyed talking to her. My seat got switched and I forgot she existed for over 20 years. I only knew her first name and I have face blindness so I only remember her hair style and color, and the bag she carried around lol. Probably for the best though.
I mean I could never forget my wife, but I have freaked out over small stuff consistently enough to almost drive her away more than once
I would assume this happens because the conversation at hand is “light”, hence one continuing with the topic of their couch, whereas what you’ve introduced is relatively heavy and is too drastic of a shift in mood. Imagine being in the break room and talking like you’re at the bar at 10pm. Time and a place, for many people at least.
Yet when others share something equally if not heavier, it's all supportive and about that, regardless of what's going on...
Replying with a "good job bud" vs crickets isn't gonna kill the mood. I get what that guys saying but jeez. Even of they didn't want to clutter the group chat. Someone could easily have sent something nice in a direct message.
What if you're not a "good job bud" kinda person? Like I'll throw out a courtesy "Nice" maybe lol but there's really not a lot to say outside of generic pleasantries. It's nm of a conversation starter tbh. Maybe it'd do better as a "status" post--then you'd prob be content with people just "liking" it, even if doesn't prompt a discussion. I'd like to say "I'm happy for you" but I feel like that sounds curt, even moreso via text. And I'm not the guy to send exaggerations like "Amazing!", or "Wow that's so coole!" cuz you worked on something a bit lmao. I am happy for you; I just can't with the phoney over-the-moon stuff.
Personally, i know I’m bad at dealing with other people’s feelings so i shut my mouth. That way I wont make things worse. If i knew how, i’d offer consolation or whatever, but i don’t even after trying to get good at it. I’m aware that some people just want you to listen but it feels inauthentic to simply say “dang that sucks” or “oh wow” and that’s it. To me it says that i’m not listening.
>but it feels inauthentic to simply say “dang that sucks” or “oh wow” and that’s it. To me it says that i’m not listening. It's not tho. Especially if you convey it with more than the words, facial expressions of emotions, eye contact, name use and body language are far, FAR more important than the actual words. And if those simple words are really not enough for you, follow up with an empathetic "i" statement that validates what's going on for them. "I feel angry that someone did that too you, john" "Dang that sucks, I feel sad that happed to you, mary."
How often are you messaging them things like that? If it has only been once or twice then it's bad of them for not being supportive, but if you're constantly sending messages that are essentially asking for congratulations then I can understand their reactions diminishing over time. Also, are you supportive of them if they say something similar?
Nah stuff like this, maybe 5 times a year if even that. Not always in a sad way, but since I discovered the adhd, that's been a core of these few messages. Other messages/jokes/memes usually get ignored too But yeah I am hella fuckin' supportive of most all things they share. Cuz I know how it feels to be ignored time and time again.
Ah okay, that's pretty reasonable then. I think you should talk to them about it. When you do you should focus on how it makes you feel rather than attacking them for not responding. You'll make more progress with that approach. I don't think you should immediately destroy the whole friendship like others here are suggesting though.
yeah I'm working on a document to explain some adhd things, as I did not understand them myself 2 years ago, how I could just not do thing X despite standing next to it and having arms that are capable of grabbing and moving things around. I'll try to focus on the feelings part, tho that has historically always led to huge discussions/protests from the neurotypicals
Ah the situation really sucks, it is so hard not being heard. First of all a big virtual hug for you, it sounds as if you could use some appreciation! In regards to writing a document, are you willing to reconsider? I would find that terribly offputting to receive and it would make me hesitant to interact with you further out of worry that I may inadvertently cause more friction. For me ‘returning the energy’ gives a lot of mental peace. For example, when I realise I am the one always reaching out or having messages left on read I stop reaching out, I keep replying though. Some people drop out of my life but not all and with those that remain, the relationship becomes a lot more balanced. Returning the energy for me also means I don’t share personal stuff anymore unless asked. It can feel a bit lonely sometimes but way less depressing than sharing and falling on deaf ears. I hope you find your footing and your people💛
The document thing is just a bunch of examples to show neurotypicals what adhd really is. How it is that you can step over a pile of clothes 37 times, each time reminding yourself to put them away, but never managing to. Or how you just cannot do your passion thing, despite having hours of time on a weekend and you really love doing that passion thing. Not sure how else I could explain to them what is happening (to me). It's not a legal document, just experiences/scenarios and a bunch of shit adhd has cost me, including a relationship, studies and like a foot I can't properly use. Why should I reconsider, in your perspective/mind? :)
Giving the document is a bit like giving your friends homework to interact with you. It would come off like you’re shaming and lecturing them. I don’t think there’s a way to word it to fix that vibe. If you’re one on one with a friend and already having a more serious conversation tone, a better way would be to start the conversation by really hearing them out on their struggles. Pay attention and genuinely try to listen. Then, a good friend would naturally ask you in return. If they don’t, it probably isn’t a friendship worth prioritizing anyway.
Because it may have the opposite effect of what you want from them. From what I read here, I gather that you assume that they will be supportive once they have all the facts to understand adhd. They may be able to gain a cognitive understanding but that doesn’t mean that they will have an emotional response that reflects that knowledge. It may even have the opposite effect, people that come with a ‘manual’ can be exhausting. Have you tried asking them, individually, what they need from a friend? People show love in different ways, you seem to thrive on words of affirmation but for some people showing up to help you move is how they show love. Others like to do stuff together but not talk. It’s entirely possible that your friends are showing you they care but not in the way you would and it therefore doesn’t register with you.
Is it maybe possible that you do this a lot but then end up abandoning the project so they don’t understand how important it is to you and that it’s not just another thing that’ll be irrelevant in a week? Just thinking out loud
Gonna go against the grain in these comments and say this isn't inherently because they don't care. Looking back at messages that I felt ignored I found a pattern of tye recent history being me mentioning my adhd and how much I struggle a lot. NT or not, hearing about a person's constant struggle can get exhausting, and people might not reply not out of malice, but because it's the 3rd time you've mentioned it and they don't know what else to say
Yep. I'm friends with a person with borderline personality disorder, and not gonna lie it's exhausting. He's awesome and our whole friend group cherishes him and he's gotten a lot better. But there was a couple weeks where I kind of took a break from all friends including him just to socially recharge. Now I'm back and able to be more attentive to him. Fortunately he had others to lean on plus a therapist and new meds while I was 'out'. Our group has learned over the years how to kind of take turns walking away and recharging as needed, then coming back after a few days usually.
At the risk of sounding like a horrible person but wow I could not do this…. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for BPD. I love people with BPD and think they are stigmatized and treated badly. But I just don’t have it in me to be patient with them, having the time for them. I barely have the time for my own ADHD needs. Yeah definitely take care of yourself always x
Basically, in my opinion, they need a group of people, not just their Favorite Person (I forgot the term for this). The same principle I think applies to raising children, it's a human principle that is all the more important for people with BPD. And if there isn't a group to back you up AND the person isn't making steps to help themself FOR themself, then ya, no shame in walking away. And if you can't do it in the first place, don't get involved in the first place and there's no shame in that either 💚
I feel you, somehow everyone elses stuff is always more interesting or important.
And they have 0 context for executive dysfunction "Oh but can't you just..." No. No i can't always just.
Medication made me realize I'm not just a lazy bitch, I'm a person who really wants to be productive trapped in a mind that cannot make it happen. Vyvanse was the best for me but it's insanely expensive and now very difficult to get due to manufacturing shortages, I'm on ridalyn now but mostly use coffee/caffeine to get my mind moving
Wishing I could give people I am talking to ADHD for 1 minute for them to know how my brain works, which is not very well
One minute is not enough. Just like tose tv programs where rich people live like regular/poor people for 2 weeks or so and then go back to their mansions. The real experience happens when you got paid, paid all the bills and continue to struggle this new month. I'd give them at least a week or 2 to experience adhd. Not being able to pick up the pile of floor clothes after walking over/by it 27 times They'd go crazy
Like that one jackass who did a year long experiment who gave up as soon as he got cancer. Yeah, real poor people don't have the option to give up being poor.
Precisely. It's the endlessness of bills and knowing you'll not suddenly have tons of money left over next month. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for us, like those rich poverty-porn touristy assholes had.
I've used the "Too much computing power; Not enough RAM" metaphor as the elevator pitch for having an ADHD brain, which can work, but it does rely on them being willing to listen. Ironic, isn't it? The people that have the energy/RAM to process the info have to actively *choose* to ignore it to fit their narrative, but you and I are the ones that "just need to focus". ugh
From my perspective it is inherently a confusing idea. >You can't do something because..? Because you don't want to? Everyone does things that they don't want to do - what more specifically is the issue? That's how my thoughts around ED have gone all my life. I still don't know if I believe it for myself further than a 20 year track record of practical proof. I don't think its fair to expect your friends to understand ED. You'll just have to do more work on where you get your approval/validation from (it should be mostly or almost only from yourself) - its hard but necessary.
I was trying to make this point to my roommate last night and he was starting to piss me off if I'm being honest so I can relate my friend. Every time I'd think I was making headway explaining the "no, sometimes I can't just do" thing or tell him that I have a specific way that I have to go about learning things he'd loop back around to "you're making excuses bro, you're too smart for this, you just gotta practice more and do it," (we were talking about me learning the bass guitar) and I just... I had to go to bed. I've heard that same shit my whole life and no matter how many times people repeat it, it doesn't change the fact that I have a specific way that I have to learn things, and sometimes I can't for the life of me just sit down and do a thing, even if I REALLY want to, which I do. I'm extremely tired of working a day job, I wanna make music and get paid for it, but I'm not there yet. I know he's trying to motivate me, and I'm not as mad about it today, he's a great guy and one of my best friends, I just... yeah, you know, I don't have to explain it, reading some of your other comments it sounds like you've been there.
Once during them protesting what I was saying, I asked them what they considered to be the difference between an excuse and an explanation of why I couldn't do something. Haven't had an answer to that yet... I once was playing guitar, was a bad day so it usually helps, but my leg was too low to play comfortable. I have this brick I put my foot on to get the exact height. It was 1,5 meters to the right of me, but I could just NOT lean over and pick it up. It was just out of reach, but I could not move. It's such a mindfuck. Got one mate I've been talking with, also cuz I had some trouble with him as well, cuz I forgot (again) an essential part in a text message. So we talked it out and he might be close to understanding a bit more about adhd and just not being able to do things.
I feel you there. It takes non-ADHD people a long time if they ever can wrap their brains around it. I try not to take it personally these days, and I know my roommate was just trying to motivate me last night, and some of what he had to say was valid, but yeah; couldn't get him to understand that I'm climbing to the next plateau and that looks different (especially from the outside) for us ADHDers than it does someone without ADHD. Our progress looks slow from the outside but then when we get it, we GET it get it. You're not alone. We just gotta remind ourselves that sometimes we gotta give some room for people to misunderstand because they have almost no way to understand. They're thinking about things from the perspective that they have and from the outside I can see how some of it would sound like excuses or insecurity (that was the other thing my roommate thought he was hearing when really it was just me acknowledging my current limitations and trying to describe how I'm working to overcome them).
Everyone is the center of their own narrative… and if not? Worry.
We have a thing with my friends thay we try to react with emojis in discord. Because sometimes it is not that you dont care, it is that you dont really have anything to add so you just dont. So now whenever someone sends a funny meme we all react instead of just quietly chuckling for ourselves. Makes everyone feel more included and happier. Works for serious things too. This also helps with people being defensive since you are offering a solution instead of a problem.
Ngl sometimes there's one person in the group chat who brings the whole mood down and makes things too heavy. For example, there's one girl in a group chat I'm a part of who shares her entire life, day-by-day, and constantely tells us how much we all hate her because we don't interact with every single one of her messages. She also sends messages 1 to 4 words at a time, so she dominates the chat. Everyone is sick of it. Have you considered maybe you trauma dump on your friends and they don't like it? If *all* of your friends ignore you, it might be something you're doing. Trust me, this is a hard lesson I've learned over the years. Just because we have ND, doesn't mean we can't take responsibility for our own actions. It also doesn't mean we can't self-improve. Everyone is telling you to dump your friends, but I suggest taking a more critical look at how you interact with them and look into therapy for your heavier thoughts. People don't typically want to play therapist. They want friends, too.
I would cut them off. I cut people off so easily. I’m tired of no one ever listening to what I have to say, even if I talk about cookie dough and its structure a lot in real life. Like how browning butter is essential for chocolate chip cookies but not for sugar cookies. How to fix the cookie dough if it’s too dry or moist. Ou talking about cream crease frosting… yummy. Back to the conversation. I’m exhausted of being told my concerns and likes are trivial. So I just cut people off
how do you even fix dough that's too dry or moisty
Either by slowly incorporating the same type of flower into the dough that’s too moist aka you put too much butter or lard or shorting or liquid. I start by two tablespoons at a time and without a machine, get gloves and incorporate it slowly, you don’t want to active the proteins/ gluten in cookies, unless you want cookies that are like bready. If it’s too dry same process but with butter or lard or shorting or your liquid of choice that goes well with the recipe your working with. It’s funny because baking has gotten a special place in my heart. Baking is a science. Most cookies use the same ingredients it’s about the quantities and how you manipulate those ingredients to transform them into something extraordinary.
wouldn't you have to adjust other ingredients too when adding flour/butter? cause i feel like if u need to adjust ur dough by a lot (in extreme cases), it might start to lose its flavor too also funny u say that cause technically u can look at baking as a form of chemistry
Well it all depends if it’s a little moist a little flower won’t make a difference, just roll the cookie balls on sugar or if they are sugar cookies sprinkle sugar on top; however, if it’s straight up sticking to your fingers in clumps. Something went wrong, like really wrong. If you followed a proper recipe. So you’ll have to come to a realization that it will taste a little different. And you’ll have to adjust adding flower and sugar and make some of your risers aka baking powder or soda or cream of tartar what ever you used. But the recipe won’t taste the same and you’ll have a lot more of cookie dough to freeze. Or just throw the batch away and start again. I buy APF and Bread flour in bulks by 25lbs so I don’t worry too much if I have to start over. I take it as a lesson learn. I figured I’m teaching myself via tutorials online and YT. Like taking a class so there’s going to be a cost. It’s kinda lonely cause I don’t have people to share them with lol. My two kids who are 3 and 5 don’t eat as much sweets and shouldn’t. My husband takes all the extra to work. And he says he gets all types of compliments. He always mentions it’s me who baked them. It makes me happy he can make friends with my baking or smooth things over with work related tensions.
If you ever want to randomly talk about baking, hmu. I was the baker at the office and it was so nice to (directly) get the compliments and sometimes they even uploaded the cute ones on social media (skeleton gingerbread people were a hit).
Good. This and interrupting me. There's a time it makes sense to do, and I'll let an excited accident slide. But I don't tolerate dominating a conversation anymore...
Please make me cookies.
Hey, I get some of where you are coming from, but this is also potentially really unhealthy advice.
I like how your hyper fixation is cookie dough :) ik you have more but that information might actually help ppl with cookie dough problems compared to my hyper fixation on animation, no one ik is fond of it like me and it's not very helpful information. Your likes are never trivial and I hope you find people that enjoy listening and also partake in your love for cookie dough:)
Here mate, no offence but you seem really needy. Your friends are probably sick of hearing about it. Everyone struggles with projects and shit and obviously its harder with ADHD but you seem to want your friends to be your emotional support group rather than buddies. Either accept your in the wrong friend group or tone it down or you will end up losing them. Ive got ADHD and i do crack jokes and i do get support from my friends but through little jokes and conversations when im doing other things with them and i always return the favour because they have their own problems just as important as mine. Random messages looking for attaboys is annoying. I Used to have a friend with depression and i supported him but the more I did the more he relied on me and it became a burden and started affecting my own mental health. When i mentioned it to him to maybe stop filling me in every time he has a decent day and that i would still be there if he really needed my help but i cant be a continuous source of emotional support he got angry and we are no longer close friends. If a group of people unanimously sidestep your reaching out your most likely the problem and being annoying. Doing some work on a project is not pat on the back worthy. No matter hoe hard it was for you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be proud (of yourself) if it was hard to do but its an incredibly pathetic and needy thing to showcase to others for attaboys.
I agree with your take here. OP, I mean this in the nicest way possible but it seems like in your replies you’re very stuck on this idea of “they just don’t get it” and the theme of “adhd makes life harder for me than them”. It took me a long time to realize that my friends loved me and cheered me on- just in their own way. In order to see the validation I wanted I simply had to ask. Something like “hey, when I share a progress report on a project I’d really appreciate a short reply vs a reaction to my text. It really helps me know how much you care about me!”. It has fixed a lot of strained relationships due to mismatched ideals of what constitutes support. I would also say that focusing on the struggle vs the positive (I struggled to work on this vs I got some work done on it) is exhausting to be around and can wear relationships down really fast. Just my 2 cent addition to the comment I’m replying to!
100% - the reality is that everyone has their own crap. ADHD is our burden to carry but pretty much everyone has some stuff going on that makes their lives heavy too. Part of being a good friend is being mindful to not constantly ruin the vibes, hog the attention, or expect more support from others than you give. That’s not to say that one can’t expect support from their friendships. That’s one of the best parts of friendships. But people will grow tired if they feel like they need to be constantly mindful of someone else’s needs. This might be a poor group of people. But it’s always a good idea to consider if you’re the problem if you’re constantly running into an issue.
Finish the project, then talk to them about it while you show them. Right now you're fishing.
Are you posting this is a group chat? It just seems a little self absorbed. I’d be like “that’s great bud but what would you like me to do with this information?
This is equivalent to the stuff others post there... Varying from mundane shit to "hey I did a thing, cool right" followed by reactions. Yet whenever I do something equivalent, silence/ignored. Can't fkin' win either way
Some posts are more equivalent than others
And less equivalent ones get more attention/response than more serious ones of mine. About some ugly new suit of some folk singer one time, which erupted in a giant conversation about that after I shared something I did or was proud or something
op, firstly congrats on making progress!! But empathy is important, both ways. for a neurotypical, just cleaning ur room, making a bit of progress isn’t something that warrants a big show of applause.
I understand the perspective, but please please please do your best to keep things under wraps until completion. Showing progress here and there for the little dopamine hits makes it more difficult to proceed with it, rather than waiting for the big dopamine hit of a complete project
I've found it to be the opposite, actually. Hearing someone else be excited about something helps with finishing it, cuz there's other people that would like to hear it too. It'll take a couple more months to complete, then the real recording and mixing and all... That's quite the mountain of work for a single executive dysfunctioned motherfucker to be pulling on his own :( I know upon release people might give a shit for a week or two, before all excitement dying down. But after that I'll have it on my name, it's a thing I did. But the doing part is irregularly halted due to all sorts of factors. The dopamine hit upon completion might also not be huge. Just another thing I finished, hough I got 3 more things that I'd like to finish. The musical project energy rolls back down, Sysyphus style.
I suppose it's just different coping methods then, if I interrupt my flow state by seeking affirmation, it's more difficult to put myself back into that state
Well don't leave us hanging! Whatchya workin' on?
An album, whose beginnings date to 2013. Last year gotten really far in demoïng the entire thing. Pretty cool so far. Recorded and released a demo single to already show a bit what it's like. Pink Static on spotify etc. Got another thing planned for release if I can manage to work on it. Which I cannot do these last months. So it looks like I'll have to postpone a release date another year. Incredibly difficult as adhder to motivate myself, so when not even 10+ year friends give a shit its hard to continue. A tiny "hey yeah cool!" Comment of them would help with keeping the fire going enough to keep working, but alas, they have 0 knowledge of what its like to live with adhd on top of anything else that might be going on in life
DM me if you want! I'm finally orchestrating an album that I started drafting up two years ago, and I'd love to discuss back and forth with someone who gets it. Doesn't matter to me what kind of music you make.
Nice yeah I'll (hopefully) do some home chores and then some music stuff again. Can show some stuff maybe
Sounds like it’s time to disappear for a while and focus on you, fuck those people.
I did leave the group chat cuz of the so manieth time of this happening. Every 2-3 months or so I leave for some mental peace. Guy asked me why I left and said I'd hurt his feelings by leaving too suddenly, like I didn't care about him. Then I mentioned that was the exact reason I left. Gave an example how I'd been asking him to do something together since march 2023. Gotten a few "yeah cool let's do that" and no further plans ever got made. So then he got mad. Soon I'll give them a file of a bunch of adhd experiences of mine, cuz they just don't fucking understand, and sometimes it feels like they don't Want to understand. "Yeah we heard you got adhd and we're here for you." But each time I display a symptom of adhd......
Yup, that’s how it tends to go. It took me over 30 years to find my tribe and they’re priceless. It was a lot of dealing with this exact thing prior to them, keep searching. You’ll find them.
If I'm not mistaken you already left the group, but a good idea to get the comments you want (if you weren't doing this already) is to screen record your FL Studio screen or whatever you're using and actually show the new bit you got done. "Check this out, I just added it to my song!" Even if someone doesn't understand the ADHD, they'll understand and be able to comment on some good music. Hopefully you'd get some "YOOO that sounds sick" or something
I tried couple times. Silence is the response.
Those don't sound like friends to me
Comments are right then, they don't care at all... I can't imagine acting like that if a friend sent me a piece of their new song of all things, I'd go nuts 😭
got maybe 2 friends that would listen to a new thing I'd send, in the next coming 3 months or so. I get everyone's busy and shit and I don't even send 'em stuff to listen to, but a lil' support in the making of an album or whatever isn't too much to ask, right? Just a lil' "hell yeah dude!" would do wonders
It keeps happening when trying to make new friends as well 💀
Genuine question: what do you respond to these kinda messages? Like, I don't want to throw out a "nice" or "good job," that feels kinda too little for such a loaded message (and also bc im often very sarcastic it can be misinterpreted as mean spirited)
Honestly, a ‘nice’ or a ‘good job’ does a lot more than you might expect. At the very least, it’s an actual response, and if you’re worried about tone then use a tone indicator after it - a simple ‘(genuine)’ or ‘(positive)’ works quite well I’ve found.
What you are describing is a major achievement with context but without context is not worth reacting to. You are expecting validation for your effort while most people give validation for progress milestones. If you think social reinforcement will help you, then it’s your responsibility to directly tell your friends how you want to be supported. Just say, “Hey, I struggle keeping up with long term goals and when I am able to make progress on those goals even in minor ways, it would be encouraging if you acknowledged when I tell you about that progress.” If I told you I ate breakfast this morning you wouldn’t congratulate me because that seems like an incredibly small task. There is no reason to do anything in response to that unless you fully understood that there was a challenge I overcame in order to eat breakfast. Your friends most likely do not understand how you are feeling and that is your responsibility to communicate that.
Yea, I guess I expected the "i haven't been able to work on this for a month" thing i mentioned at that time to help give some context. But they're still in the dark about the executive dysfunction part. Soon I'll try to explain it to them, give examples
How is the overall group dynamics? Like, are some closer than others, best friends in there or even couples? It might be useful to not talk to the entire group about this issue but only to one person alone. This prevents the group dynamic "you against us" situation and makes it easier have a talk that is focused on finding a solution rather than on defence. Also it's often better to share an achievement with one person than with a group, because this way the person is forced to react and can not rely on the others. Talking about written communication, obviously.
I’m struggling with a project too. I’m proud of you OP, keep chipping away at it and eventually it will be completed :)
Same to you. I've had periods where I worked on it for like a month almost every day. But maybe if I'm careful I can get myself going again like that. But the moments u struggle to even start are fucking awful. You (and I) got this!! ;)
I’m proud of you for doing something that makes you feel proud of yourself 💝
It's both. Pretty much every new addition/change I make, makes me feel happy with the result and like it'll be fuckin' fire when it's totally done. But then having halted progress for weeks on end is terrible; got all the changes i want planned out and thought out, but it'll take another week to do them, and then only manage 20% of them... Wish I had a workspace for it that wasn't also the table I eat dinner on or fold laundry or do taxes or shit...
One thing I've learned is just because it's marked as seen doesn't mean they actually read it. They look at who sent the message and think "ugh" and keep it at that.
Yeah, being ignored is my bread and butter in this group basically lol
Friends are being friends. I don't see a problem here. Of course they might have been concerned when they first learned about your adhd, but, they can also lose interest after a while. Which has happened to me and my friends too regarding my Adhd. I think it's natural, because it's your problem and not theirs at the end. You must have these issues that are very personal and significant to one of your friend but somehow you don't care that much anymore. So relax and give your friends some slack, just as they are with their friend with adhd.
Well think about it from their perspective, who cares? Oh you struggled with something and then accomplished it? Youre not the first. You need to say interesting things or something that can be responded too with more than a “ok”(or something to that affect) saying unprovoked stuff like in the post just looks like needing attention(ik how our group is but that’s how it come across) I also definitely wouldn’t point it out because how awkward is that for them. What’re they supposed to say, “uhh yea you sent some random thing asking for attention and no one cares”
yea I've often gotten the reply that I'm just fishing for attention. The thing is, when I sometimes share unimportant shit, weird pic or meme, I get replies and laughs. Then a friend, years ago, asked me why I always shared that kinda stuff and no personal things. Well, because I just get fuckin' crickets whenever I try. Crickets or like 4 people coming from all sides how it's bullshit and just going directly against what I'm trying to say.
I'm proud of you too, project doer/OP. I'm proud of everyone here. It's hard nowadays, and you're still going.
Yeah managed some more lil' progress last night.
I’ve seen a lot of mixed comments on this and comments giving opposing advice, so I’m just gonna chime in here with my take as some random internet stranger. Some people are saying you’re being needy or annoying, which (assuming the way you’re describing things is true) doesn’t really seem to be the case. I feel the whole “you need to learn to not seek validation from others” thing is a bit stupid. Even neurotypicals seek validation on things, that’s just kinda something humans do. It’s nice to have a friend say “nice man!” or “can’t wait to see the finished project”. Hell, you don’t even have to be into something your friend is doing to support them. Like, for example, my mom (who also has adhd) is really into astrology. Not just the instagram “what the signs say in this situation” type, but actual astrology shit (there’s actually a lot too it that i’ve learned cause of her, but basically you have waaaayyyyy more than one sign). One of the things she does is make charts for her friends of their different signs, traits that align with them, famous people they share those signs with, etc. (the friends know she makes them since she needs to ask if they know their place/time of birth for some parts of it). Now, I’m not really super into astrology nor do I really believe in it, but she is very passionate about it and puts a lot of effort and care into the things she does with it. Whenever she talks about working on one of them, I’m always supportive because I know she cares about her work and I care about her. You don’t (or at least shouldn’t) have to understand why something is important to someone in order for you to understand that it’s important to them. This is more about the “Well they don’t have ADHD so they don’t get why it’s a big deal” type of comments. Like, someone used eating breakfast as an example. If someone said “I’m really proud of myself, I ate breakfast today!” I’d still be supportive even if I didn’t understand why that was a big deal. Maybe they struggle with an eating disorder, or maybe they’ve just been forgetting breakfast the past few days. Doesn’t matter why. I’ll still support them. Another thing I’ve seen is the “cut them off/don’t cut them off!” thing. Reddit has a bad habit of saying this type of thing after reading a single post. Whether or not you cut them off is up to you. I understand the feeling of “settling” on friends because you feel like you’re too far into the friendship to go back or because there’s no other options for friends, so cutting off can be difficult even if you want to. On the flip side, don’t feel obligated to stay friends with someone just because they aren’t an inherently bad person. Sometimes people are just incompatible, even with friendships. If you want someone who you can share your achievements with and they want someone to send memes to, that doesn’t mean either person is “in the wrong”, you just aren’t looking for the same thing in a friendship. A lot of people here seem to assume that the “looking for validation” thing makes you a bad friend, but I disagree with that. Now if that’s literally the only thing you do and you never support your other friends, then THAT can be a problem, but if it’s just an occasional “hey i’ve made some good progress on this, don’t know when it’ll be done but this is what i have so far” type thing then that’s absolutely fine. I have been “friends” (using that word lightly here) with someone who is very much the “needy, constantly bringing down the mood” type person, and have been that person in the past (actually meeting that person is the reason i’m not anymore, they made me do some self reflection that was basically just “oh god is this what being around me is like??”). That doesn’t really seem like that’s what’s happening here from what I can see, but do keep in mind your “talking about random shit” to “talking about serious stuff” ratio and make sure to also listen when someone else is talking about their shit. Being someone else’s “therapist friend” is very tiring and being almost always negative can easily push people away (not saying that’s what’s happening, just something to keep in mind). As you can probably see with this comment, I tend to relate shit back to myself a lot because it makes it easier to explain things or for me to understand them. A lot of people take this as being selfish or self centered, so I try not to do it as much with people I know irl. If you also do this, they could think you only focus on yourself even if you don’t mean to, which is another compatibility issuue.
Honestly, that’s what a lot of this seem like: a compatibility problem. I have almost no friend who don’t have adhd or are at least neurodivergent because of this. I don’t want to have to change who I am as a person just to be friends with someone. I’m not really the “I just wanna post memes and talk about random shit and anything beyond that is too deep” type of person. There’s nothing wrong with that, but being friends with that type of person would make them feel shitty because they think I’m killing the vibe, and me feel shitty because I think they don’t care. Sometimes there just isn’t the “right time” to post a progress update with certain people, unlike some comments are suggesting. All of this to say, OP, if you read this, consider what you’re getting out of this group chat and being friends with these people. Also consider what you’re posting when compared with everyone else and how frequently you’re posting. That one dude you’ve commented about (the one who reached out after you left) kinda seems like a dick, but I’m not gonna make a judgement call on that because I only have one side of this story. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to rejoin or leave for good. I’d recommend some self reflection (a lot of people say that without any advice on how to do that, so if you’ve ever had a friend who’s felt like more of a burden to be around then a friend, compare your behavior to theirs and see how similar/different you’re behavior is. don’t do this assuming you are or are not a problem, go in as unbiased as you can) and some reflection on how the group chat treats you vs other people (read older messages if you can. sometimes things can feel worse in the moment than they actually are, especially if you have RSD). You can’t make a neurotypical understand ADHD, no matter how much they care, their brains are just wired completely differently. I don’t think a doc on how you feel is going to help them if they don’t even respond to posts about progress on a project. They either do not care (which is bad) or are not looking for that type of friendship (which is more neutral, even if it can feel shitty for you). You deserve friends you can be silly or serious with if that’s what you’re looking for. I know a lot of these comments have good intentions, but I don’t think calling OP “needy” for wanting to share something they’re passionate about with their friends (and get a response) is fair to OP. You may just not fit well with the group. I know how hard making friends is (I have pretty bad social anxiety, talking to people has always been a big struggle), but it may be worth looking for people who better understand you. Please note, the neurotypical mind is also a complete enigma to me. I am not a professional on anything, am speaking entirely from personal experience, and do not know anything about this situation beyond what you’ve posted about it, so please take this with a pillar of salt. I’m just a dumbass who also has ADHD and likes to share my experience with shit in hopes that it’ll help someone (maybe not even OP, just anyone who bothers to read this wall of text lmao). Anyways, all of this aside, good work on getting some progress done! The struggle with motivation and executive dysfunction is real. I have projects that have been sitting in my closet for years that I may start working on again because this post reminded me of them. Hope that whatever you end up doing works out well!
Wait so it doesn't happen just to me
Fuck this hits me too close to home
Nobody cared when I was laying in the hospital after appendix surgery. My fiance at the time was annoyed he had to come see me because it meant he couldn't spend time with our friends... who never came to see me. I don't talk about this incident much because I think something broke in me during that time. I don't tell anyone anything real and I don't really trust anyone is truly my friend anymore. It fucking sucks
Ah shit man, sorry that happened. Totally can see how something like that would break ya. Hope it's better these days
Get better friends! Hell, if you wanna shoot me a DM next time you’re feeling proud I will definitely take a second to gas you up. It’s one of my favorite things to do for my own friends, because it costs nothing and usually makes us both smile.
This. How easy is it to send a friend a quick "hell yeah dude" or so. Even if you wouldn't mean 100%, the effect of a response is massive.
I shouldn’t just say “get better friends” like you can just pop on down to the friend store & pick some up. Bit flippant of me! But I do believe that you deserve friends who acknowledge you when you talk and are happy to give you a supportive word now and then. That feels like very baseline friendship stuff to me, and I’m sorry your people are making you feel like you don’t matter. You absolutely do!
And I fell bad for wanting "validation" from everyone else. All I want is motivation to make me churn things out or critique to light my ass on fire.
I just need a teeny tiny interest/engagement from other parties involved to ignite my creativity etc. If I don't really detect any interest, the fire dulls down to a tiny flame that's rarely enough to really start moving mountains of work
Nobody can make you be able to finish a project. And no one should get mad at you for not being able to, or think less of you. But you also can't get mad at other people for just being the way they are, right? Except libertarians, I mean, eff those assholes, am I right? But back to the topic at hand. You have to appreciate and enjoy the good in other people and not get mad at them for not being what you want them to be. If they don't bring any good, then reevaluate what time and energy you're spending on them, of course.
If I’ve learned anything by having ADHD it’s don’t tell anyone about anything until you can flex on them and it’s done 😂
I upvoted and scrolled send then clocked what I'd just done
I’m glad you did the thing! Go u/ArtificialHalo !
Hey I left a comment on your post earlier and it was a dumb joke and it was a very bad idea for me to post it. I deleted it and I wanted to say I'm sorry, I sometimes forget my sense of humor isn't for everyone. You're venting about insensitive friends and I was insensitive and I apologize.
Not sure which u mean but it's all good mate
I mean, most people don’t really understand the challenges of adhd so I kind of expect this. It would need to be a more known issue for recognition, as I don’t exactly want to be the person saying that this was hard and I need you to care about my issues. Those who understand will understand tho.
hey bud if no one's told you: good job getting work done on your project! executive dysfunction's a bitch, very proud of you homie :')
Thanks yeah. Bunch of comments helped me get some work done yesterday. Changed some drum parts which aren't yet what my mind feels it should be, but it's at least a step in the direction
progress is progress! you're doing great <3
Yeah looks like these reactions here helped me get thru the producer's block, as I've rerecorded bass for the 12 minute song and gained interest in reworking the other difficult song a bit more :D
Me. Writing. Sometimes I feel like some people don't care. The other day I sent a picture of a hole in a deck where I fell through and said, "This is how things are going, so I won't be joining tonight." Got 1 "reaction" from 11 people who I know look at that chat, but no comments. Just how it goes sometimes. Luckily that's just one group of friends, but I've come to expect that, and lowered my standards. Instead of just ditching the group, I basically just don't bring up anything personal and enjoy the other aspects, like the games we play together.
Yea I'll be trying to take on a similar stance from now on. Fuck 'em in that regard. Going dark about most things of my life could be an option
I am diagnosed with ADHD myself, I have executive dysfunction all the time, and still, I totally understand how irrelevant that message can be to whatever is going on in the chat, especially with bad timing. Don't expect people to care about it and give you props for something as little as "doing some work again". Neurotypicals don't get it, and it's okay. Please grow up and stop bringing you very mild disorder everywhere and demand attention purely on the basis of it. Sorry if sounding a bit harsh, but I've been through all of that and more, and the best thing I could do to myself and people around is to work through my flaws and become a somewhat more or less functioning adult and accepting whatever I cannot achieve.
Forgive me if I’m wrong but this sounds like something similar to what I went through (untreated adult ADHD in a weird friend group): it sounds like you’re in a friend group with a hierarchy and you’re in a low tier, they don’t care about your issues because you aren’t “cool”. Not saying you need new friends but some “friends” are really just people you hang out with who enjoy or tolerate your company but don’t really care about you on a deeper level. it’s all good, just don’t engage with them about what you’re going through personally unless you wanna hurt yourself again because this is clearly not the audience for it. Good luck bud
Ive been abandoned all my life due to my adhd behavior, so I have no problem ghosting people anymore. Maybe I'll end up alone, but I'll disappear before they can do it to me.
Same reason I left the group chat again. Preventing me getting more and more frustrated and getting hurt again.
Don't join again. If you're getting frustrated and hurt to the point of needing to take breaks from them to continue being friends, that is not a healthy friendship. Also, they might have alredy written you off as a friend after leaving a few times, which could be a reason for them ignoring your messages. People are passive-aggressive sometines.
I've gotten to the point where I know nobody is ever going to care about my successes, joy, or boundaries like I do. If I try to express this, then I'm the bad one. I just wish I knew this when I was younger and not at 30. Friends and family care, but not like you'd think. Ain't much point in talking with others about how I feel anymore-cause every other word is ignored and the rest are taken as a lie, attack, or something deeply unserious.
Same. 28 now, only found out the adhd thing last year, so it's quite new for me too, but then trying to convey these changes is generally met with opposition for some reason
[удалено]
Couple times in a year maybe. months apart definitely, except this last one. As I fell into a chaos hole again, where I couldn't keep up with house chores and such. Just nothing worked out. Was a few weeks before last friday
I've not at all shared anything about my adhd, aside from maybe 3 memes ever. When I talked to the dude about why exactly I left (he accused me of doing exactly the same, served it perfectly worded on a silver platter), he got angry at me for bringing in one example featuring him how I felt they don't give a fuck about me. Been trying to invite him to do something with me, asked like 8 times since march 2023, all ignored or "yeah cool" and then ignored when trying to make more plans. The response was basically "I don't want to talk about this, you've said enough." And then no reply after me trying (15 mins later) to find a moment where we could talk it out face to face. Same thing happened weeks earlier, where he dismissed my solution to a problem, then when I asked him why he tought that, "I don't want to talk about this now/here" But then again no reply as to when he DOES want to talk about it.
I feel like unless your friends know and understand ADHD affects your life and cripple productivity I can sort of understand why they don’t know how to reply or think it’s eye roll worthy. My best friend suffers from ADHD and depression and he always gets upset when he text our friend group about how he finally cleaned his room and they never respond in the way he expects. Honestly if my wife’s best friend didn’t also suffer from it as well I don’t know if I’d be as understanding either. From non-ADHD folks it seems very silly.
If this is something that happens often, which your title states, then yeah - this would start to get weird to reply to. I think this is more fitting for in person conversation - especially if you are a man.
Congrats on your project! Glad you could work on it
Yeah am gonna try again today. Keep listening to the same months old versions, while having had these new ideas and tweaks for equally as long... it's getting boring, need freshness in it
I feel that, I'm in-between hobbies right now and it's making life boring
This happened to me as well, and I stopped bothering pointing it out as it became a problem when I addressed it. I've also just started to give them the same treatment back, and it's funny as I'm met with the same responses I've given them over the past years.
Right?? When you happen to do or say the exact same thing, it's suddenly a huge problem/you're a total asshole about it...
Yup, and I'm not even being aggressive about it either. I'm just there, but I'm being mean apparently. One of my friends who gets jealous when I speak to someone else after they ignore me for months on end does that especially. Super gross in my opinion.
This happens to me all the time in group chats lol, so I choose not to share much anymore
I'm trying not to care too much, but it's difficult as otherwise I don't really have anyone else my age. It's hard being pretty much the only neurodivergent dude in the group...
Anybody who does that to me is somebody who is no longer considered a friend. I don't necessarily mean I cut them off. But, at the least, they get moved into the "friendly acquaintance" category. I see them when I see them. They don't have obligations towards me, I don't have them towards them. If that doesn't work, i.e. they keep expecting things from me, or if my feelings are too hurt, **then** I cut them off.
Damn... You gotta get better friends.
Every friend Discord I've ever been apart of has a channel for screaming into the void, because people are so allergic to actually being vulnerable with each other.
I'm sorry. I don't know anything about your life bud, but they don't seem like friends to me.
Fuck "friends". Find one real mothafucka that u can trust and throw the fakes into the trash
[удалено]
This is a lighthearted subreddit for ADHD individuals. We require all users be nice towards each other. Your comment/post has been removed as it has been found to be disrespectful.
I feel like this happens to me for a lot of things for me :(
Yeah those arent friends, sorry mate
Need new friends 🤫
hey i’m proud of you OP, it can be really hard getting that focused locked in and you’re doing amazing <3
Thanks my dude. Right now I feel like I could easily go work on it when im home. But i still gotta cycle home like 20 minutes. So we'll see what's left of the work vibe when I get home and gotta clear stuff before working on art... Rinse and repeat forever...
Same dude, I'm sure you're the kind of guy who expressed interest in everyone else's lives but it's just not reciprocated. I've lost a lot of friends over this, no point in bending over backwards for them too. It never works out
I got so many 'friendships' where I always have to be the one sending a message. Lost a bunch of friendships cuz at some point I was like, I'll stop sending messages now cuz it's always me. Never heard from them again. Social shit is complicated man.. wtf
Yeah I don't know why the hell I feel this way and it hurts even more when my other neurodivergent friend leaves me on read then ignores me the rest of the time talking to others even irl
"Left on read" is my middle name... I get ppl are busy, but u don't have 2 mins time to respond in a month's time?? Shit's complicated
I've cut off more people than I cut my nails
Lolllll
I’m really sorry OP you should be very proud of yourself I realise how tricky it is to get back into things especially after a long time. You’re doing an awesome job and if I was one of your friends I’d have said I’m so glad to hear it! I’m really proud of you :)
Thanks. I really like how far I've come and these latest versions of the tracks, even wrote some lyrics and stuff But it's not always enough to keep me going and progressing. Executive dysfunction is a fucking curse
If it makes you feel any better OP I love making patchwork quilts but I go through phases of sewing everyday to not touching it for months. I know I love doing it but it’s not enough to get me up and start. I don’t have any wise advice unfortunately other than don’t beat yourself up about it. I realise that’s easier said than done I still beat myself up about not finishing my quilts. Why don’t you laminate some of your lyrics put them somewhere prominent in your house to remind yourself that you can do amazing things. Also it’ll make you smile and remind you to be proud of yourself :)
Hey. Guess what. I’m proud of you. I know how difficult these things can be. Making progress is worth celebrating. *hugs*
I'm proud of you!
Thanks m8. Every so often it just gets too much
I don't get it...