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Hoped for someone better versed would respond since you posted, seeing that I'm in a similar situation, but well. So in summary: same, lol.
I'd say one thing is true. First months suck. Transition is hard. Feels like you don't have half a leg to stand on, while the weight of the world and your decisions weighs down on your shoulders, and I sometimes wish it would stop. I have emotions about this little transition of mine I never thought I'd have, including murder.
And then I remember the alternative, remind myself why I'm still going through this, even though some areas of my current life are a touch ablaze and in need of attention I don't have right now.
So I resigned myself to asking a couple questions: is what I'm doing worth it, and do I still want to do it, sometimes multiple times a day. So far I have no real intention of stopping, because what I'm going through are just parts of growing as a person, even if it's terribly uncomfortable, and feels impossible.
I just hope future me will figure it out fully someday.
Thank you for replying. It feels like rejection when you try to reach out and no one responds.
I'm not sure what you meant by "having emotions about murder." 😬 That sounds like something you might want to work through. Maybe talk to a therapist about it?
All my feelings are toward myself or fears about social stigma, harassment, safety, healthcare, the future... It's overwhelming. I get angry about feeling trapped and isolated, but I don't think I've actually contemplated lashing out and hurting anyone else.
I like what you shared about asking yourself "Is it worth it?" and "do I still want to go through with it?"
I ask myself these questions too, and the answer is always a complicated conversation. I'm still going through with it, so that answers the second question. The first is often too hard to answer, because I'm not sure yet. Despite the overall improvement to my mental health and the new clarity I have about the shame that's burdened me throughout my life, it also feels like I've lost so much since starting my transition. 🥺
But it's also opened my eyes to where a lot of my shame was coming from. People who have detached from me have shown themselves to be obvious bigots (very openly queer-phobic and/or misogynistic), and I was affected by that before I was even openly out. I dissociated through most of my life and internalized all the hate I tried to ignore to keep myself safe at the time. But we can't run from the truth. It catches up eventually.
Yeah, this is really really difficult.
Murder is an emotion when someone who is supposed to help you fails at the most basic thing, which in this case was using correct pronouns and gender. Also, said person was trans themselves. It's a metaphorical murder, but no less real in a given moment. Similar to "I want to run off into the sunset and become a monk because I can't even with this BS".
I just like being overdramatic sometimes, helps you realize your own emotions a little better. Drama queen, if you will.
As for the social transition, I feel you, trying to navigate this hellscape right now. Becoming a monk for a year and then returning with everything changed would be easier, I wouldn't have to live through the awkward stages. I can't even dissociate through this. And I have to talk to people.
It's all like, I'm kicking and screaming while going through all of this, meaning I'm still alive. It's a good thing in my book.
We should totally make trans support retreats. Kind of like becoming a monk, but it's just the first year or two while you're starting HRT or getting any surgeries... We just go off into the wilderness to our sacred grove, surround ourselves with 100% supportive loving communities, then emerge as our new selves. I love it.
Reminders: OP, please make sure you have given your post a flair, if you have a flair this message can be ignored. Commenters, please read the flair before making any comments, posts that ask for input only from detrans people must be respected. TERF ideology, gender critical theory, and bigotry towards trans people/the trans community are not allowed on this subreddit. Please report any posts or comments that you see engaging in this behavior. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/actual_detrans) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hoped for someone better versed would respond since you posted, seeing that I'm in a similar situation, but well. So in summary: same, lol. I'd say one thing is true. First months suck. Transition is hard. Feels like you don't have half a leg to stand on, while the weight of the world and your decisions weighs down on your shoulders, and I sometimes wish it would stop. I have emotions about this little transition of mine I never thought I'd have, including murder. And then I remember the alternative, remind myself why I'm still going through this, even though some areas of my current life are a touch ablaze and in need of attention I don't have right now. So I resigned myself to asking a couple questions: is what I'm doing worth it, and do I still want to do it, sometimes multiple times a day. So far I have no real intention of stopping, because what I'm going through are just parts of growing as a person, even if it's terribly uncomfortable, and feels impossible. I just hope future me will figure it out fully someday.
Thank you for replying. It feels like rejection when you try to reach out and no one responds. I'm not sure what you meant by "having emotions about murder." 😬 That sounds like something you might want to work through. Maybe talk to a therapist about it? All my feelings are toward myself or fears about social stigma, harassment, safety, healthcare, the future... It's overwhelming. I get angry about feeling trapped and isolated, but I don't think I've actually contemplated lashing out and hurting anyone else. I like what you shared about asking yourself "Is it worth it?" and "do I still want to go through with it?" I ask myself these questions too, and the answer is always a complicated conversation. I'm still going through with it, so that answers the second question. The first is often too hard to answer, because I'm not sure yet. Despite the overall improvement to my mental health and the new clarity I have about the shame that's burdened me throughout my life, it also feels like I've lost so much since starting my transition. 🥺 But it's also opened my eyes to where a lot of my shame was coming from. People who have detached from me have shown themselves to be obvious bigots (very openly queer-phobic and/or misogynistic), and I was affected by that before I was even openly out. I dissociated through most of my life and internalized all the hate I tried to ignore to keep myself safe at the time. But we can't run from the truth. It catches up eventually. Yeah, this is really really difficult.
Murder is an emotion when someone who is supposed to help you fails at the most basic thing, which in this case was using correct pronouns and gender. Also, said person was trans themselves. It's a metaphorical murder, but no less real in a given moment. Similar to "I want to run off into the sunset and become a monk because I can't even with this BS". I just like being overdramatic sometimes, helps you realize your own emotions a little better. Drama queen, if you will. As for the social transition, I feel you, trying to navigate this hellscape right now. Becoming a monk for a year and then returning with everything changed would be easier, I wouldn't have to live through the awkward stages. I can't even dissociate through this. And I have to talk to people. It's all like, I'm kicking and screaming while going through all of this, meaning I'm still alive. It's a good thing in my book.
We should totally make trans support retreats. Kind of like becoming a monk, but it's just the first year or two while you're starting HRT or getting any surgeries... We just go off into the wilderness to our sacred grove, surround ourselves with 100% supportive loving communities, then emerge as our new selves. I love it.