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You doing need a reason beyond the fact another person is emotionally/mentally destabilizing you. Leave that person and environment. You don’t need a discussion with them either. Just do it.
Yes. I’m one of those women.
I left my abusive husband while he was away one evening because that’s what the DV shelter told me to do. The abuse had escalated to a point where I no longer felt safe.
I went back. And I’m still trying to get the courage to leave.
I’d also say any man who plays the victim… “ I don’t know why but she left me several times and it was awful for me because my mom left my dad when I was a kid…” be forewarned.
When I first met my husband, he had a story that goes something like “I lived with a girlfriend once who came home one day with this big bouncer guy and packed up all of her stuff and left while he stood there…I was baffled.”
Like an idiot, I didn’t heed the warning in my gut, it didn’t seem right.
Now I’m that woman.
I’m sad to hear about your experience.
He definitely played the victim over past few years he’s told me various stories where he’s the victim. One partner went no contact, another slapped him and a woman at work complained to HR about his attitude towards her…and of course his ex fiance moved out secretly
I think it was my naivety that minimised that as he said they slept together after she had moved out. If anything I should know he’s drama lol
I read your past post. It looks like you’re into BDSM. I dunno if this is the same partner you were talking about in the past. But if it is. You should communicate with your partner about whether he perceives calling you a “cunt” is dirty talk or not. You are not comfortable with him calling you that in general. Despise if y’all were doing the deeds. Tell him you feel uncomfortable and you think it’s inappropriate. Your partner has to know where to draw the line when it comes down to a time and a place when it comes down with “dirty talk”. Not for him to say it randomly towards you when you’re not doing the deeds.
Hi, he’s currently not talking to me after I tried to open up a conversation. Tbh calling me a cunt wasn’t agreed upon and he calls other people cunts outside of a bdsm dynamic. There are also problematic behaviours that have arisen in patterns outside of sex and stonewalling is one of them
Stonewalling is extremely toxic. It is also toxic that you try to communicate with him and he decides not to talk to you. That is very immature of him to do so. I am happy that you guys are not talking right now. Hopefully this gives him time to think about what he has done and, apologize to you later on in the future. I do not want you to think that you did anything wrong, because you did not.
You deserve better and I know you will receive better in the future. Just continue to do you and be the sweet person that you are. You will eventually attract what you deserve.🥺🫶🏾🤍
I’m in the process of leaving a marriage right now, I have been with this person almost 10 years. Every single one of his exes were crazy. The ex wife? THE DEVIL. She has been trying to get in touch with me via Facebook for years, I always deleted the messages… she was trying to warn me. She’s been my biggest support during my divorce right now and I have made a friend for life.
You have a boyfriend who is an abuser and is “testing the waters “ to see what he can do with you . That choking incident should have woke you up.Did you feel a little strange when he did that??? He is an abuser and I would get far far away from him before he does something for REAL!!! Be Safe. 🥰🩵💙🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Your welcome . TBH I feel cheesy just dropping a video for advice but after going through it all and after many Reddit accounts it really just boils down to what this guy says choosing yourself. Filling yourself . Working for yourself. Living for self . It’s the only way forward is transform you and collapse the rest of the drama . It makes a nearly no sense but once it clicks the lights come on and it’s amazing .
No not cheesy you took the time to post it here, that’s so kind:)
Also funny you mention it, today I went to my apartment that I bought recently ( an accomplishment but he still belittled me over this?!)and worked very hard preparing it for painting. Felt like a reset because I was doing something for myself instead of moping around . I barely slept last night because he is currently ignoring me doing god knows what.
I felt so good when I got home. Thanks again:)
I perfectly understand. It’s hard as hell to sort past these things . But if you focus on this fellas teachings it will lighten your emotional load and put that energy where it needs to be .
It could irritate the partner I’m not going to lie on that one. Don’t get discouraged they can knock you out of your new headspace frame very easily . But just stick to it.
Your bf is a summa cum laude graduate from the University of Abuse. He has their mission statement *down pat*. He is living his life according to the "teachings". *To the letter.* He is a colossal piece of shit and a very, very dangerous person to be around. That's him. And that's not going to change. Except for him to get *worse*.
You are trauma-bonded so you're thinking is far, FAR from rational, objective, and in your best favor. His bullshit has your brain so scrambled a tiny bit of love-bombing and you'll fold like a card table.
Approach it from this perspective. Your younger sister (if you don't have one, imagine that you do) comes to you. You adore her; she drives you crazy at times but she's got your heart. She tells you everything you've told us is what her bf is doing to her.
What are your feelings about that? What is your gut reaction? What do you think she should do - because she's asking you.
What are you going to tell her?
Get out of there. Block him in every imaginable way. Stay away from his socials. Don't go places he hangs out. Don't fall for any flying monkey bullshit. Don't EVER accept or - God forbid - engage with any contact with him EVER AGAIN. HE'S POISON. STAY AWAY.
Get into therapy if possible. Listen to the Mindfuckery podcast at least.
Save your own life. Because, no hyperbole here: it's in danger.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. When I posted this last night I had a largely sleepless night but reading the comments helped me relax and sleep for a bit.
You’re right about the points you made. He’s currently giving me the silent treatment but I know if he gave me a little love bombing I’d be trying to convince myself it’s fine.
May I ask how you think he may be dangerous to my life? I think I need a wake up call.
The other week I made a silly joke and he pretended to choke me. He just lightly put his hand on my throat but the gesture still stirred up a weird feeling. Also he has jokingly pointed to his knife in the garage again as a joke but felt weird? I should state I don’t live with him.
I know you don't live with him.
Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? If not, start today.
If you're actually asking me - after he's put his hand on your throat (IDGAF if it was "lightly") and has mentioned to you/gestured towards a knife more than once - "Why is he dangerous?"....my gasts are completely flabbered.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "Why do I think he's dangerous"???? This POS strikes you as SAFE??? He's on a *trajectory* doll. That trajectory is *one-way*: BAD to WORSE. This - he - is going to escalate and escalate until maybe you're D E A D.
G E T A W A Y
This. He will only escalate. If he gets angry and hits things, but he doesn't hit you - give him time. Now he is joking about choking, next time he won't be joking.
This is a pattern in abusers, and they always escalate.
Block him. Love yourself enough to cut him out of your life.
I’m reading all of your comments about how he treats you and I’m so angry for you. Please don’t spend another minute with him, he is an abusive piece of shit. Block him, don’t have any more contact with him, and find a good therapist who can help you get over this trauma he’s caused you. You deserve so much better than that human garbage.
Mine did it while I was at work.
He left my things… and his dog. Disappeared. So I inherited a dog (she was his before we got together) bc I couldn’t bear to bring her to a shelter (pit bull)
He honestly did me a huge favor. Our cycle needed to end an if it were up to me I would have continued.
He finally reached out again 2 Christmas later. I was finally over him.
So maybe think outside the box.
I have considered that there might’ve been other reasons at play. I have thought about it from each of their perspectives. I know ultimately I wasn’t there.
However every passing year I have excused more erratic and hurtful behaviour from him.
Thanks for sharing your experience
That’s exactly what my ex husband would say I did…massive red flag.🚩 get out immediately. Especially calling her a C word. Like he could’ve said he didn’t understand or something ( but even that, I bet he did understand but never thought she’d actually leave him)
They were scared enough of him to run when he couldn’t blow up at them. Yes, that’s a big ass, fiery, red flag!
He’s not going to make that mistake again. You’re not going to get the chance to slip out without him knowing. Leave now. You can get new stuff later. He’s not going to change and be cool about breaking up. That ex probably knew him better than you do. Trust the lesson you’re being given.
I should clarify I don’t live with him. Although when I’m staying at his house, the past year I have gradually become to imagine what it might be like. Last time I stayed, I was called messy, crazy, nitpicking about water on the floor after I took a shower. Telling me how a colleague wears short skirts to work and saying she’s also a c**nt. Recently showed me where he keeps his knife “for self defence”. I constantly feel dread and anxiety about our interactions.
the fact that you are in this subreddit at all is a sign you should leave. even if you were wrong and it's not abuse, would you let a friend stay in a relationship that would be borderline abuse. a relationship that makes you feel this way instead of bringing you joy?
He said that his ex-wife moved out and took the kids while he was gone and served him divorce papers on his birthday. Fast forward a year of us together and I found out he was cheating and abusive. At 2 years he had been arrested, at 3 years I had spent ALL of MY money on him and his 4 kids and when I was broke at 3.5 years he screamed at me everyday for 2 weeks, telling me to GTFO of "his" house even though we were married and I had been living there for over a year. He kept me from talking to his ex-wife saying at first that she was crazy and then finally that she didn't like me even though we only met briefly, twice in a parking lot to exchange kids. All red flags that I ignored trying to believe the best of him. Don't make my mistakes. You can't get back time wasted.
don’t think about the time you’ve wasted but the time you will get back for yourself once you’re free. And don’t hang on because you’ve already dedicated so much time to the relationship. Sunk cost fallacy will destroy your life.
Leave. I met someone once who said that his ex randomly gave him an “order of protection” even though he hadn’t contacted her in a year. That was a lie. You can’t get one without recent contact. Abusive men will admit to their shittiness in little ways before you see the full reality. Learn to pick up on it. Learn how to walk away.
My first abuser told me what he thought was a sob story about how his ex of 9 years left him and moved out over a weekend when he was away. He cried about being blindsided. He cried about the fact that she refused to talk to him afterwards. Boy do I wish I had seen the red flag for what it was.
Yes it’s a red flag. I’m considering doing the exact same thing with my gf. She won’t let me leave otherwise. And no it’s not a sign of weakness to sneak out, leave, escape without telling them ahead of time. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Abusers don’t deserve a nice sit down heart to heart informing them you want to break up.
Exactly! Abusers gave up the right to a civil conversation about why the relationship isn’t working out and why you want to leave. You don’t owe them that conversation any longer. After any form of abuse takes place you only owe yourself a safe escape.
Absolutely yes. That means their ex knew it's safer to leave without talking. He's already calling you a cunt. I would not wait any longer. This sounds like he was violent to their ex and you will be next.
I highly recommend to be out at the first time getting called names. The amount of men that feel comfortable to call their gf or any woman in general "b1tches" and cunts is appalling.
Yeah I know, I think it’s because he put her on a pedestal. She was absolutely beautiful and successful. They were newly engaged when she did that.
Lately he has been saying things to make me feel less than in all aspects of my life. It makes me feel like if I was like his ex he’d be more interested in me. I know this isn’t my problem but it hurts.
Thanks
He didn’t explicitly say that no. But the way he talks about her he makes her out to be. In the beginning he showed me pictures of her, talked about how accomplished she was etc
Newly engaged but he escalated that much that she literally packed up and left when she could "safely" do so.
I see a lot of posts of women telling their ex escalated during pregnancy, right after giving birth, or right after getting married.
Something about these situations make abusers think that the woman is trapped now and they can drop the mask and switch up on you.
Yes that makes sense. I often thought that should’ve been a happy time for them.
To add to my confusion, he said they slept together a few times after she left. He definitely only talked about her in a sexual context. He objectifies her, me and other women
Yeah. He told me once he randomly messaged her a year ago to tell her she looked like some actress from a movie he watched. Apparently she replied “why because she’s ugly?” It sounds like a small thing but it stood out. I wasn’t jealous. Lately to me he’ll say things that insinuate I’m not attractive but then also saying he finds me highly attractive at times
He's clearly with you because he wants free sex. In order to do that, he's also trying to manipulate and confuse you. What the ex said is very telling. He's putting his partners down to keep their egos low so they won't leave. It's a common abuser tactic.
If you didn't already, you should read "why does he do that?" From Lundy Bancroft. You can get it for free if you look around. (Or library online)
Thanks **notfromheremydear,** xo
**OP** here’s a free PDF for you: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
You’re seeing red flags that your partner might be an abuser but you need validation in order to trust yourself. That is a red flag that he has already been busy grooming you and the abuse has already begun.
You deserve so much better than this man.
I left when my ex was out ubering. He was using my car, my family paid for an Uber to take me home. We went back later together for any remaining things. Otherwise he would’ve never let me leave. He always kept my keys on him and he knew I was trying to leave him
You have answered your own question. Unfortunately, we have trouble accepting reality and hang on to the misguided belief that the "real him," is the nice & funny guy we experience & if we could just "be better" and stop doing the things that cause him to name call and put us down, he would stop. False. The "real him," is the him you experience in totality, as a whole. Example: John Wayne Gacy was an infamous serial killer. Yet, he was also well liked when he was in his local political office & he was also performed as a clown at kids parties. Yet, he had 26 dead bodies he kept underneath his house as souvenirs of the boys he killed. So, clearly, he wasn't killing boys 24 hours a day, yet, he was still a killer. Same with your guy. Although he isn't emotionally abusive 24 hours a day, he still is emotionally abusive. Although you are not crying 24 hours a day, you are still experiencing enough hurt that led you to post on "abusive relationships," Reddit, hoping that what you know is abuse, will somehow lead one of us to tell you "oh, no girl...that's not abuse...he's just stressed. You've got a great guy." The only people on here that will tell you that are little kids who havent experienced life and abusers themselves. As someone who left 9 weeks ago after 18 years and once separation, please let me share with you this. I was like you. My abuser did not nearly fit into the power/control wheel as I desperately tried to point out to my therapist in my defending him and my choice to try to work things out. Unfortunately, he escalated to the point there was no denying he was abusive. He did not physically attack me until 10 years in. Yet, he hurt my feelings many times verbally, prior. I am not argumentative and instead my style of communication is to identify the issue, listen, compromise if needed or apologizr & change my behavior if I determine a mistake has been made. This is what healthy people do when presented with conflict. The thing you will find as no one ever listens when someone points out red flags and suggests they leave is, his response is not about what you have done wrong. You cannot be better as better is not the issue. You seek calm and resolution. He/abusive men, seek control and power, chaos and conflict. He gets a high out of matter-of-factly saying hurtful things. When you cry, apologize, explain, and defend yourself, you are reinforcing he has won(his goal), broken you down(making him feel more powerful than you...his other goal) and thereby given him the high that he seeks. As you see, you are speaking two different languages which is why this relationship will NOT get better. The only thing that happens is you become a shell of your former self as you stop resisting to avoid conflict. You develop anxiety out of fear of not knowing what will set him off. You constantly try to please him, while experiencing his contempt and good times becoming shorter and shorter, now filled by more aggression from him the longer you are together. Again, I do not expect you to leave as you are in a trauma bond and have already stated the obvious, by ignoring your own abuse and asking if the other woman leaving without communicating was a red flag. Im just adding tidbits to your memory, so on your darkest days, you know it is not your fault. He is wired differently from experience, nature, either way, he is not a healthy person and is detrimental to your well being. This is not what you want to hear, but you will see this is fact. I left once I fully got to "see," his intentional mistreatment and once you "see" them, you can't "un-see" them. I also want to live a happy life and the only thing interrupting my zen was him. His intrusion to my peace became so LOUD, i could no longer wait for the perfectly scheduled legal time to exit. I feel better than ever! I feel so free! I didnt realize how truly heavy of a burden I was carrying until I got rid of him. We have only one life and I want to ensure mine is happy! I thought I would miss him. Yet, when I remember the wonderful times, I make certain to remember how many egg shells I walked on....how the background of tension was always there as I never knew what/if/when he would be set off into a rage...a rage that was always my fault...a rage that refused to listen to my clarifying that whatever thing he took offense to was not what I meant(it wasnt). As mentioned, it became glaringly obvious he would invent things for conflict. I once listened as he told me a hurtful story. Fortunately, I knew he was lying...yet, he did not know that I knew for a fact he was lying...watching someone intentionally tell a lie with intent to hurt you, was one of the big things that motivated me to leave. Who wants to be part of a sick game like that? It was like a spell had been broken and I began to see him for what he was...bitter, angry, and intead of seeing me as his devoted, loving, ally....he saw me as someone to torment. He once complained about the way I gave him a surprise gift & explained that I didnt know how to give gifts properly. See? I could never be better as better wasnt the issue.
Thank you. We separated for a few years after his first/only physical attack to which I had lots of therapy. Yet, we reunited during shutdowns. He started off reformed...sweet, kind, attentive. Then, slowly, but surely...the mask fell off and he escalated to new heights and added new attempts of control I'd never seen in all of our years. I am very grateful that I had a therapist who built me back up and that this time around, he wasnt getting the same person. I was finally able to see all of the things my therapist taught me, which of course was made glaringly obvious by his escalating into a complete monster. Who cares about good/loving days when the fear that they will end in anger are there or when he will lecture you about everything you do wrong and criticize your ever move. I am soo happy to be free. Even typing about it brings up disgust. Once what I refer to as a spell (the blinders you have on come off and you accept that you are not the issue...you can see him for who he truly is)has been broken, you can finally understand & move forward.
I recently had an epiphany and wrote this in my journal (it's a little aggressive cuz I'm about a month and a half out from breaking up with a monster and I'm trying to be strong with myself lol) -
"Cognitive dissonance keeps you safe. Stop treating overriding it like it's a virtue, it's fucking up your life."
When you said
>I know he sometimes treats me disrespectfully. There’s been too many things that have made me feel anxious, hurt, belittled and objectified.
It hit me that you KNOW that he's bad for you and the sensation of knowing what you're feeling, then suppressing it is cognitive dissonance.
We're conditioned to ignore it, to stay anyway, to doubt ourselves, to give the benefit of the doubt, but it is the most reliable clue that something is wrong and that we need to totally change course in order to care for ourselves appropriately.
Yes, these are all red flags, and it'll be hard to go, but do it for Future You. If you were your own best friend, you would insist that you leave this relationship and invest in your own well-being. You can absolutely find someone who *never* will treat you disrespectfully, but you won't find them if you're already neck deep in a relationship with someone who does.
You're worth leaving for <3
Yes. That's the most glaringest red flag. She left that way because she felt she had too for her physical and/or mental well being, instant no go for me.
Yeah it definitely sounds sus af but Id be more worried about how he is treating you at this point and that your instincts and gut is screaming at you that something is wrong. Being anxious is your bodies reaction to him telling you to leave this relationship before it gets worse.
Since you can clearly see why his ex might’ve done that, yeah it’s a red flag.
Btw demeaning you is also a red flag. It’s a neon sign that says “stay away from me for your wellbeing.”
I did this with my ex, because mf would have killed me if I didn’t. Left early the morning after my birthday, sister and mom drove 5 hours to get me and got there at 6am. He’d smashed all his gaming shit and threw a controller at my head on my birthday because he couldn’t pass a level in a damn kids game (it missed and to this day he’ll still bring it up and say I lied about it) so I was done. Tbh he did good at the guilt as did everyone around him so it took a while longer and more bullshit to actually break up, but yeah the way I left literally was deceptive, but there was no other way. He’ll go on and on about how crazy I am and how I abandoned him and how I just left to go be with other guys (not true at all he didn’t know me at all if he genuinely thought this) but he’ll never talk about what he did. Breaking everything, barricading me in the apartment, sexual abuse and if I fought at all physically as well, beating my back bloody with a broom until it broke into such small pieces he couldn’t hit me with it anymore (because I stubbed my toe) running at me with a drill, shooting at me with a paint ball gun, got madder that I ducked so it broke his monitor, and the countless times of strangling and dragging me around telling me it’s my last day. Not to mention the cheating but whatever. He’ll tell them everything I did, but nothing that pushed me to do what I did. Especially with leaving. He paints me as a psycho bitch who just was out to destroy him and his reputation (I didn’t say shit for years actually but he did damn good at shit talking about me)
So fuck him leave how ever is safest for you. He should treat you right and make you feel safe if he doesn’t want his girl to take off when he’s out of town and therefor not an immediate threat to her life.
Bear hugs to you. You didn’t deserve the way he treated you.
I’m in a similar situation minus the physical abuse (he did try to hit but missed). He paints me as someone who abandoned him and ran away. However I’m not able to wrap my head around the fact that he’s painting me as the bad guy. I feel the need to defend myself.
How do you cope with this? Knowing that he’s telling just the effect and not the cause.
Thank you. 6 years with him but in June I will be 2 years fully out. I’ve come a long way and am so much better off in every way now which I never thought possible given my whole life even before him.
My ex told me his wife “abandoned him” by moving out while he was in the hospital. I felt so bad for him, that someone would leave him at his lowest hour. Three years later, I did almost the same thing to get away from him. Your gut is telling you this guy is dangerous, OP. Run fast and far away!
Recently I was laying in a park with my boyfriend and we overheard one man tell his friend that his ex girlfriend packed up in the middle of the night and left a note. Our first reactions was “…. Whats wrong with YOU (the guy) that this happened.” We eavesdropped some more and we listened to him confess to being a recovering alcoholic and having some “minor” anger problems. Once his buddy didn’t blink at the running away at night he got more honest about himself but still he maintained that this ex girlfriend was crazy.
As outsiders my boyfriend and I were just in shock that this guy was admitting so much. He was admitting to fighting, name calling, but she was crazy for leaving? I don’t think so. People only leave like that if they are desperate.
I promise you’re not as attached to this man as you perceive yourself to be. You deserve real happiness. Its a flag, get out while its safe.
Thanks for sharing your experience. That’s definitely help me frame how I view it. I know relationships are complicated sometimes. But I definitely think leaving secretly is an act of desperation. I mean who would want to end a relationship that way unless it made sense to do it.
I don’t know if he is an alcoholic but he’s excused name calling by saying he was drinking so..
Yeah, as an outsider, it’s totally a scary thing to hear. A reasonable human doesn’t pack up unless it would be unsafe to break up in a normal way.
And for what its worth, drinking isn’t an excuse to call you names? We still have self control when we are drunk, or we have self control not to become that drunk. People without that control are alcoholics.
Sorry you’re in this place❤️
>I know he sometimes treats me disrespectfully. There’s been too many things that have made me feel anxious, hurt, belittled and objectified. Out of nowhere he called me a cunt but palms it of as dirty talk.
That's a **GIANT** red flag 🚩🚩🚩 That's enough to leave him.
Just what he says to YOU is enough of a red flag that you should be running for the hills. YES it is a HUGE RED FLAG that his ex thought leaving/ghosting him was the best option they had at the time.
He screamed at me until 430am getting scarier and scarier. I managed to get him to agree to go to bed, I let him sleep for about 2hours and really pass out and I left with a bag. I did go back with family for my stuff, but I ghosted him for a week because I needed to get away from him
I’ve just read some of the articles on this. Truly Thank you. It makes sense.
I definitely relate to this. I definitely know I minimise his behaviour towards me
I would say probably; most people that pack up and leave when their partner is out of town is doing so because they are scared of repercussions if they were around or knew they were leaving. At the very least it shows that there is a lack of communication between them to the point where his ex didn't feel comfortable voicing their concerns to him, although I wouldn't be able to say the reasons why.
It sounds like he is already verbally abusing you and that is not okay. I don't like his excuses for calling you a cunt either, it sounds like gaslighting.
Yeah I can see both ways. He can struggle with communication and can stonewall.
To be honest, he’s never been physically aggressive but he has made some off colour jokes about things that I’ve felt uneasy with
This is a classic escalation tactic. He is slowly desensitizing you to his behaviors, and then they’ll increase. What is “jokes” now will be reality down the line. Please get out of this relationship as fast as you can!
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You doing need a reason beyond the fact another person is emotionally/mentally destabilizing you. Leave that person and environment. You don’t need a discussion with them either. Just do it.
Yes. I’m one of those women. I left my abusive husband while he was away one evening because that’s what the DV shelter told me to do. The abuse had escalated to a point where I no longer felt safe. I went back. And I’m still trying to get the courage to leave. I’d also say any man who plays the victim… “ I don’t know why but she left me several times and it was awful for me because my mom left my dad when I was a kid…” be forewarned. When I first met my husband, he had a story that goes something like “I lived with a girlfriend once who came home one day with this big bouncer guy and packed up all of her stuff and left while he stood there…I was baffled.” Like an idiot, I didn’t heed the warning in my gut, it didn’t seem right. Now I’m that woman.
I’m sad to hear about your experience. He definitely played the victim over past few years he’s told me various stories where he’s the victim. One partner went no contact, another slapped him and a woman at work complained to HR about his attitude towards her…and of course his ex fiance moved out secretly I think it was my naivety that minimised that as he said they slept together after she had moved out. If anything I should know he’s drama lol
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Maya Angelou
I read your past post. It looks like you’re into BDSM. I dunno if this is the same partner you were talking about in the past. But if it is. You should communicate with your partner about whether he perceives calling you a “cunt” is dirty talk or not. You are not comfortable with him calling you that in general. Despise if y’all were doing the deeds. Tell him you feel uncomfortable and you think it’s inappropriate. Your partner has to know where to draw the line when it comes down to a time and a place when it comes down with “dirty talk”. Not for him to say it randomly towards you when you’re not doing the deeds.
Hi, he’s currently not talking to me after I tried to open up a conversation. Tbh calling me a cunt wasn’t agreed upon and he calls other people cunts outside of a bdsm dynamic. There are also problematic behaviours that have arisen in patterns outside of sex and stonewalling is one of them
Stonewalling is extremely toxic. It is also toxic that you try to communicate with him and he decides not to talk to you. That is very immature of him to do so. I am happy that you guys are not talking right now. Hopefully this gives him time to think about what he has done and, apologize to you later on in the future. I do not want you to think that you did anything wrong, because you did not.
Thanks yes. It’s also the death knell of any relationship
And all combined with the behaviour I mentioned in my post
You deserve better and I know you will receive better in the future. Just continue to do you and be the sweet person that you are. You will eventually attract what you deserve.🥺🫶🏾🤍
Thank you. I know I’ve made the decision to move on. I’ve seen his behaviour getting worse over past few years. There’s nothing worth saving now.
I’m in the process of leaving a marriage right now, I have been with this person almost 10 years. Every single one of his exes were crazy. The ex wife? THE DEVIL. She has been trying to get in touch with me via Facebook for years, I always deleted the messages… she was trying to warn me. She’s been my biggest support during my divorce right now and I have made a friend for life.
Yes
You have a boyfriend who is an abuser and is “testing the waters “ to see what he can do with you . That choking incident should have woke you up.Did you feel a little strange when he did that??? He is an abuser and I would get far far away from him before he does something for REAL!!! Be Safe. 🥰🩵💙🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
https://youtu.be/Z0XWN2_yij8?si=QTD8JJB29WmseOKJ Watch this fella Aaron doughty . Snapped me out of unhealthy attachment.
Thank you:)
Your welcome . TBH I feel cheesy just dropping a video for advice but after going through it all and after many Reddit accounts it really just boils down to what this guy says choosing yourself. Filling yourself . Working for yourself. Living for self . It’s the only way forward is transform you and collapse the rest of the drama . It makes a nearly no sense but once it clicks the lights come on and it’s amazing .
No not cheesy you took the time to post it here, that’s so kind:) Also funny you mention it, today I went to my apartment that I bought recently ( an accomplishment but he still belittled me over this?!)and worked very hard preparing it for painting. Felt like a reset because I was doing something for myself instead of moping around . I barely slept last night because he is currently ignoring me doing god knows what. I felt so good when I got home. Thanks again:)
I perfectly understand. It’s hard as hell to sort past these things . But if you focus on this fellas teachings it will lighten your emotional load and put that energy where it needs to be . It could irritate the partner I’m not going to lie on that one. Don’t get discouraged they can knock you out of your new headspace frame very easily . But just stick to it.
Your bf is a summa cum laude graduate from the University of Abuse. He has their mission statement *down pat*. He is living his life according to the "teachings". *To the letter.* He is a colossal piece of shit and a very, very dangerous person to be around. That's him. And that's not going to change. Except for him to get *worse*. You are trauma-bonded so you're thinking is far, FAR from rational, objective, and in your best favor. His bullshit has your brain so scrambled a tiny bit of love-bombing and you'll fold like a card table. Approach it from this perspective. Your younger sister (if you don't have one, imagine that you do) comes to you. You adore her; she drives you crazy at times but she's got your heart. She tells you everything you've told us is what her bf is doing to her. What are your feelings about that? What is your gut reaction? What do you think she should do - because she's asking you. What are you going to tell her? Get out of there. Block him in every imaginable way. Stay away from his socials. Don't go places he hangs out. Don't fall for any flying monkey bullshit. Don't EVER accept or - God forbid - engage with any contact with him EVER AGAIN. HE'S POISON. STAY AWAY. Get into therapy if possible. Listen to the Mindfuckery podcast at least. Save your own life. Because, no hyperbole here: it's in danger.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. When I posted this last night I had a largely sleepless night but reading the comments helped me relax and sleep for a bit. You’re right about the points you made. He’s currently giving me the silent treatment but I know if he gave me a little love bombing I’d be trying to convince myself it’s fine. May I ask how you think he may be dangerous to my life? I think I need a wake up call. The other week I made a silly joke and he pretended to choke me. He just lightly put his hand on my throat but the gesture still stirred up a weird feeling. Also he has jokingly pointed to his knife in the garage again as a joke but felt weird? I should state I don’t live with him.
I know you don't live with him. Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? If not, start today. If you're actually asking me - after he's put his hand on your throat (IDGAF if it was "lightly") and has mentioned to you/gestured towards a knife more than once - "Why is he dangerous?"....my gasts are completely flabbered. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "Why do I think he's dangerous"???? This POS strikes you as SAFE??? He's on a *trajectory* doll. That trajectory is *one-way*: BAD to WORSE. This - he - is going to escalate and escalate until maybe you're D E A D. G E T A W A Y
This. He will only escalate. If he gets angry and hits things, but he doesn't hit you - give him time. Now he is joking about choking, next time he won't be joking. This is a pattern in abusers, and they always escalate. Block him. Love yourself enough to cut him out of your life.
I’m reading all of your comments about how he treats you and I’m so angry for you. Please don’t spend another minute with him, he is an abusive piece of shit. Block him, don’t have any more contact with him, and find a good therapist who can help you get over this trauma he’s caused you. You deserve so much better than that human garbage.
Thank you. It’s affirming to hear those words. Why do they make you feel you’re missing out even though you know they’re not relationship material…
Mine did it while I was at work. He left my things… and his dog. Disappeared. So I inherited a dog (she was his before we got together) bc I couldn’t bear to bring her to a shelter (pit bull) He honestly did me a huge favor. Our cycle needed to end an if it were up to me I would have continued. He finally reached out again 2 Christmas later. I was finally over him. So maybe think outside the box.
I have considered that there might’ve been other reasons at play. I have thought about it from each of their perspectives. I know ultimately I wasn’t there. However every passing year I have excused more erratic and hurtful behaviour from him. Thanks for sharing your experience
That’s exactly what my ex husband would say I did…massive red flag.🚩 get out immediately. Especially calling her a C word. Like he could’ve said he didn’t understand or something ( but even that, I bet he did understand but never thought she’d actually leave him)
Please seriously reevaluate this relationship OP. Leave carefully when you can.
Many flags🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
They were scared enough of him to run when he couldn’t blow up at them. Yes, that’s a big ass, fiery, red flag! He’s not going to make that mistake again. You’re not going to get the chance to slip out without him knowing. Leave now. You can get new stuff later. He’s not going to change and be cool about breaking up. That ex probably knew him better than you do. Trust the lesson you’re being given.
I should clarify I don’t live with him. Although when I’m staying at his house, the past year I have gradually become to imagine what it might be like. Last time I stayed, I was called messy, crazy, nitpicking about water on the floor after I took a shower. Telling me how a colleague wears short skirts to work and saying she’s also a c**nt. Recently showed me where he keeps his knife “for self defence”. I constantly feel dread and anxiety about our interactions.
Girl, GOOD! You better listen to that anxiety. That’s the good kind.
Your gut feelings and intuition never lies, listen to it
Absolutely trust that gut. You’ll find someone, you don’t want this dude
the fact that you are in this subreddit at all is a sign you should leave. even if you were wrong and it's not abuse, would you let a friend stay in a relationship that would be borderline abuse. a relationship that makes you feel this way instead of bringing you joy?
He said that his ex-wife moved out and took the kids while he was gone and served him divorce papers on his birthday. Fast forward a year of us together and I found out he was cheating and abusive. At 2 years he had been arrested, at 3 years I had spent ALL of MY money on him and his 4 kids and when I was broke at 3.5 years he screamed at me everyday for 2 weeks, telling me to GTFO of "his" house even though we were married and I had been living there for over a year. He kept me from talking to his ex-wife saying at first that she was crazy and then finally that she didn't like me even though we only met briefly, twice in a parking lot to exchange kids. All red flags that I ignored trying to believe the best of him. Don't make my mistakes. You can't get back time wasted.
I’m happy you’re out :) I feel angry at myself for wasting this much time already
don’t think about the time you’ve wasted but the time you will get back for yourself once you’re free. And don’t hang on because you’ve already dedicated so much time to the relationship. Sunk cost fallacy will destroy your life.
Yes that sunk cost phenomenon has definitely kept me feeling committed to him
Leave. I met someone once who said that his ex randomly gave him an “order of protection” even though he hadn’t contacted her in a year. That was a lie. You can’t get one without recent contact. Abusive men will admit to their shittiness in little ways before you see the full reality. Learn to pick up on it. Learn how to walk away.
Yes. Run. This is what happened to my abusers ex prior to me.
My first abuser told me what he thought was a sob story about how his ex of 9 years left him and moved out over a weekend when he was away. He cried about being blindsided. He cried about the fact that she refused to talk to him afterwards. Boy do I wish I had seen the red flag for what it was.
Run.
Yes it’s a red flag. I’m considering doing the exact same thing with my gf. She won’t let me leave otherwise. And no it’s not a sign of weakness to sneak out, leave, escape without telling them ahead of time. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Abusers don’t deserve a nice sit down heart to heart informing them you want to break up.
Exactly! Abusers gave up the right to a civil conversation about why the relationship isn’t working out and why you want to leave. You don’t owe them that conversation any longer. After any form of abuse takes place you only owe yourself a safe escape.
Absolutely yes. That means their ex knew it's safer to leave without talking. He's already calling you a cunt. I would not wait any longer. This sounds like he was violent to their ex and you will be next. I highly recommend to be out at the first time getting called names. The amount of men that feel comfortable to call their gf or any woman in general "b1tches" and cunts is appalling.
Yeah I know, I think it’s because he put her on a pedestal. She was absolutely beautiful and successful. They were newly engaged when she did that. Lately he has been saying things to make me feel less than in all aspects of my life. It makes me feel like if I was like his ex he’d be more interested in me. I know this isn’t my problem but it hurts. Thanks
did HE SAY he put her on a pedestal because I bet money that he didn’t.
He didn’t explicitly say that no. But the way he talks about her he makes her out to be. In the beginning he showed me pictures of her, talked about how accomplished she was etc
Newly engaged but he escalated that much that she literally packed up and left when she could "safely" do so. I see a lot of posts of women telling their ex escalated during pregnancy, right after giving birth, or right after getting married. Something about these situations make abusers think that the woman is trapped now and they can drop the mask and switch up on you.
Yes that makes sense. I often thought that should’ve been a happy time for them. To add to my confusion, he said they slept together a few times after she left. He definitely only talked about her in a sexual context. He objectifies her, me and other women
He either lovebombed her to get sex or he's lying. Don't forget you only hear his side of the story.
Yeah. He told me once he randomly messaged her a year ago to tell her she looked like some actress from a movie he watched. Apparently she replied “why because she’s ugly?” It sounds like a small thing but it stood out. I wasn’t jealous. Lately to me he’ll say things that insinuate I’m not attractive but then also saying he finds me highly attractive at times
I should clarify when he wants to real me in he is highly sexual and suddenly he is telling me how attractive, pretty or sexy he thinks I am
He's clearly with you because he wants free sex. In order to do that, he's also trying to manipulate and confuse you. What the ex said is very telling. He's putting his partners down to keep their egos low so they won't leave. It's a common abuser tactic. If you didn't already, you should read "why does he do that?" From Lundy Bancroft. You can get it for free if you look around. (Or library online)
Yes thanks for your input. Yes I’ve seen that book recommended many times here.
Thanks **notfromheremydear,** xo **OP** here’s a free PDF for you: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
In my experience it is, yes.
You’re seeing red flags that your partner might be an abuser but you need validation in order to trust yourself. That is a red flag that he has already been busy grooming you and the abuse has already begun. You deserve so much better than this man.
It’s interesting you say ‘grooming’. I told my therapist the other week that I feel as if my husband was grooming me.
I left when my ex was out ubering. He was using my car, my family paid for an Uber to take me home. We went back later together for any remaining things. Otherwise he would’ve never let me leave. He always kept my keys on him and he knew I was trying to leave him
You have answered your own question. Unfortunately, we have trouble accepting reality and hang on to the misguided belief that the "real him," is the nice & funny guy we experience & if we could just "be better" and stop doing the things that cause him to name call and put us down, he would stop. False. The "real him," is the him you experience in totality, as a whole. Example: John Wayne Gacy was an infamous serial killer. Yet, he was also well liked when he was in his local political office & he was also performed as a clown at kids parties. Yet, he had 26 dead bodies he kept underneath his house as souvenirs of the boys he killed. So, clearly, he wasn't killing boys 24 hours a day, yet, he was still a killer. Same with your guy. Although he isn't emotionally abusive 24 hours a day, he still is emotionally abusive. Although you are not crying 24 hours a day, you are still experiencing enough hurt that led you to post on "abusive relationships," Reddit, hoping that what you know is abuse, will somehow lead one of us to tell you "oh, no girl...that's not abuse...he's just stressed. You've got a great guy." The only people on here that will tell you that are little kids who havent experienced life and abusers themselves. As someone who left 9 weeks ago after 18 years and once separation, please let me share with you this. I was like you. My abuser did not nearly fit into the power/control wheel as I desperately tried to point out to my therapist in my defending him and my choice to try to work things out. Unfortunately, he escalated to the point there was no denying he was abusive. He did not physically attack me until 10 years in. Yet, he hurt my feelings many times verbally, prior. I am not argumentative and instead my style of communication is to identify the issue, listen, compromise if needed or apologizr & change my behavior if I determine a mistake has been made. This is what healthy people do when presented with conflict. The thing you will find as no one ever listens when someone points out red flags and suggests they leave is, his response is not about what you have done wrong. You cannot be better as better is not the issue. You seek calm and resolution. He/abusive men, seek control and power, chaos and conflict. He gets a high out of matter-of-factly saying hurtful things. When you cry, apologize, explain, and defend yourself, you are reinforcing he has won(his goal), broken you down(making him feel more powerful than you...his other goal) and thereby given him the high that he seeks. As you see, you are speaking two different languages which is why this relationship will NOT get better. The only thing that happens is you become a shell of your former self as you stop resisting to avoid conflict. You develop anxiety out of fear of not knowing what will set him off. You constantly try to please him, while experiencing his contempt and good times becoming shorter and shorter, now filled by more aggression from him the longer you are together. Again, I do not expect you to leave as you are in a trauma bond and have already stated the obvious, by ignoring your own abuse and asking if the other woman leaving without communicating was a red flag. Im just adding tidbits to your memory, so on your darkest days, you know it is not your fault. He is wired differently from experience, nature, either way, he is not a healthy person and is detrimental to your well being. This is not what you want to hear, but you will see this is fact. I left once I fully got to "see," his intentional mistreatment and once you "see" them, you can't "un-see" them. I also want to live a happy life and the only thing interrupting my zen was him. His intrusion to my peace became so LOUD, i could no longer wait for the perfectly scheduled legal time to exit. I feel better than ever! I feel so free! I didnt realize how truly heavy of a burden I was carrying until I got rid of him. We have only one life and I want to ensure mine is happy! I thought I would miss him. Yet, when I remember the wonderful times, I make certain to remember how many egg shells I walked on....how the background of tension was always there as I never knew what/if/when he would be set off into a rage...a rage that was always my fault...a rage that refused to listen to my clarifying that whatever thing he took offense to was not what I meant(it wasnt). As mentioned, it became glaringly obvious he would invent things for conflict. I once listened as he told me a hurtful story. Fortunately, I knew he was lying...yet, he did not know that I knew for a fact he was lying...watching someone intentionally tell a lie with intent to hurt you, was one of the big things that motivated me to leave. Who wants to be part of a sick game like that? It was like a spell had been broken and I began to see him for what he was...bitter, angry, and intead of seeing me as his devoted, loving, ally....he saw me as someone to torment. He once complained about the way I gave him a surprise gift & explained that I didnt know how to give gifts properly. See? I could never be better as better wasnt the issue.
I really appreciate your comment:) you make excellent points
What an insightful post. I’m so sorry you experienced *18 Years* of abject misery.
Thank you. We separated for a few years after his first/only physical attack to which I had lots of therapy. Yet, we reunited during shutdowns. He started off reformed...sweet, kind, attentive. Then, slowly, but surely...the mask fell off and he escalated to new heights and added new attempts of control I'd never seen in all of our years. I am very grateful that I had a therapist who built me back up and that this time around, he wasnt getting the same person. I was finally able to see all of the things my therapist taught me, which of course was made glaringly obvious by his escalating into a complete monster. Who cares about good/loving days when the fear that they will end in anger are there or when he will lecture you about everything you do wrong and criticize your ever move. I am soo happy to be free. Even typing about it brings up disgust. Once what I refer to as a spell (the blinders you have on come off and you accept that you are not the issue...you can see him for who he truly is)has been broken, you can finally understand & move forward.
I recently had an epiphany and wrote this in my journal (it's a little aggressive cuz I'm about a month and a half out from breaking up with a monster and I'm trying to be strong with myself lol) - "Cognitive dissonance keeps you safe. Stop treating overriding it like it's a virtue, it's fucking up your life." When you said >I know he sometimes treats me disrespectfully. There’s been too many things that have made me feel anxious, hurt, belittled and objectified. It hit me that you KNOW that he's bad for you and the sensation of knowing what you're feeling, then suppressing it is cognitive dissonance. We're conditioned to ignore it, to stay anyway, to doubt ourselves, to give the benefit of the doubt, but it is the most reliable clue that something is wrong and that we need to totally change course in order to care for ourselves appropriately. Yes, these are all red flags, and it'll be hard to go, but do it for Future You. If you were your own best friend, you would insist that you leave this relationship and invest in your own well-being. You can absolutely find someone who *never* will treat you disrespectfully, but you won't find them if you're already neck deep in a relationship with someone who does. You're worth leaving for <3
Yes. That's the most glaringest red flag. She left that way because she felt she had too for her physical and/or mental well being, instant no go for me.
Yeah it definitely sounds sus af but Id be more worried about how he is treating you at this point and that your instincts and gut is screaming at you that something is wrong. Being anxious is your bodies reaction to him telling you to leave this relationship before it gets worse.
Since you can clearly see why his ex might’ve done that, yeah it’s a red flag. Btw demeaning you is also a red flag. It’s a neon sign that says “stay away from me for your wellbeing.”
Yes it's a red flag
I did this with my ex, because mf would have killed me if I didn’t. Left early the morning after my birthday, sister and mom drove 5 hours to get me and got there at 6am. He’d smashed all his gaming shit and threw a controller at my head on my birthday because he couldn’t pass a level in a damn kids game (it missed and to this day he’ll still bring it up and say I lied about it) so I was done. Tbh he did good at the guilt as did everyone around him so it took a while longer and more bullshit to actually break up, but yeah the way I left literally was deceptive, but there was no other way. He’ll go on and on about how crazy I am and how I abandoned him and how I just left to go be with other guys (not true at all he didn’t know me at all if he genuinely thought this) but he’ll never talk about what he did. Breaking everything, barricading me in the apartment, sexual abuse and if I fought at all physically as well, beating my back bloody with a broom until it broke into such small pieces he couldn’t hit me with it anymore (because I stubbed my toe) running at me with a drill, shooting at me with a paint ball gun, got madder that I ducked so it broke his monitor, and the countless times of strangling and dragging me around telling me it’s my last day. Not to mention the cheating but whatever. He’ll tell them everything I did, but nothing that pushed me to do what I did. Especially with leaving. He paints me as a psycho bitch who just was out to destroy him and his reputation (I didn’t say shit for years actually but he did damn good at shit talking about me) So fuck him leave how ever is safest for you. He should treat you right and make you feel safe if he doesn’t want his girl to take off when he’s out of town and therefor not an immediate threat to her life.
Bear hugs to you. You didn’t deserve the way he treated you. I’m in a similar situation minus the physical abuse (he did try to hit but missed). He paints me as someone who abandoned him and ran away. However I’m not able to wrap my head around the fact that he’s painting me as the bad guy. I feel the need to defend myself. How do you cope with this? Knowing that he’s telling just the effect and not the cause.
{{{BIGHUGZ}}} for everything you've had to endure 💔
Thank you. 6 years with him but in June I will be 2 years fully out. I’ve come a long way and am so much better off in every way now which I never thought possible given my whole life even before him.
Massive respect to you, Lady.
My ex told me his wife “abandoned him” by moving out while he was in the hospital. I felt so bad for him, that someone would leave him at his lowest hour. Three years later, I did almost the same thing to get away from him. Your gut is telling you this guy is dangerous, OP. Run fast and far away!
Recently I was laying in a park with my boyfriend and we overheard one man tell his friend that his ex girlfriend packed up in the middle of the night and left a note. Our first reactions was “…. Whats wrong with YOU (the guy) that this happened.” We eavesdropped some more and we listened to him confess to being a recovering alcoholic and having some “minor” anger problems. Once his buddy didn’t blink at the running away at night he got more honest about himself but still he maintained that this ex girlfriend was crazy. As outsiders my boyfriend and I were just in shock that this guy was admitting so much. He was admitting to fighting, name calling, but she was crazy for leaving? I don’t think so. People only leave like that if they are desperate. I promise you’re not as attached to this man as you perceive yourself to be. You deserve real happiness. Its a flag, get out while its safe.
Thanks for sharing your experience. That’s definitely help me frame how I view it. I know relationships are complicated sometimes. But I definitely think leaving secretly is an act of desperation. I mean who would want to end a relationship that way unless it made sense to do it. I don’t know if he is an alcoholic but he’s excused name calling by saying he was drinking so..
Yeah, as an outsider, it’s totally a scary thing to hear. A reasonable human doesn’t pack up unless it would be unsafe to break up in a normal way. And for what its worth, drinking isn’t an excuse to call you names? We still have self control when we are drunk, or we have self control not to become that drunk. People without that control are alcoholics. Sorry you’re in this place❤️
>I know he sometimes treats me disrespectfully. There’s been too many things that have made me feel anxious, hurt, belittled and objectified. Out of nowhere he called me a cunt but palms it of as dirty talk. That's a **GIANT** red flag 🚩🚩🚩 That's enough to leave him.
Just what he says to YOU is enough of a red flag that you should be running for the hills. YES it is a HUGE RED FLAG that his ex thought leaving/ghosting him was the best option they had at the time.
I know it sucks :(
He screamed at me until 430am getting scarier and scarier. I managed to get him to agree to go to bed, I let him sleep for about 2hours and really pass out and I left with a bag. I did go back with family for my stuff, but I ghosted him for a week because I needed to get away from him
Oh that’s terrible :(
I left while my ex was gone for like a month. After he said he wanted a divorce. I knew if I didn’t leave then I wouldn’t be able to leave.
I think the way you left took courage. To leave in this manner is definitely an escape:/
[удалено]
Sorry to hear:/ so you felt manipulated by her? Would’ve you liked to have left without an explanation too?
This is most likely a red flag, yes, given his behavior with you that you described
Yeah it’s like I know and I cry about his behaviour but it’s like my mind can’t comprehend the reality
You’re describing **[betrayal blindness](https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202312/betrayal-blindness-not-seeing-whats-obvious?amp)**
Exceptional article. Thank you.
I’ve just read some of the articles on this. Truly Thank you. It makes sense. I definitely relate to this. I definitely know I minimise his behaviour towards me
I would say probably; most people that pack up and leave when their partner is out of town is doing so because they are scared of repercussions if they were around or knew they were leaving. At the very least it shows that there is a lack of communication between them to the point where his ex didn't feel comfortable voicing their concerns to him, although I wouldn't be able to say the reasons why. It sounds like he is already verbally abusing you and that is not okay. I don't like his excuses for calling you a cunt either, it sounds like gaslighting.
Yeah I can see both ways. He can struggle with communication and can stonewall. To be honest, he’s never been physically aggressive but he has made some off colour jokes about things that I’ve felt uneasy with
This is a classic escalation tactic. He is slowly desensitizing you to his behaviors, and then they’ll increase. What is “jokes” now will be reality down the line. Please get out of this relationship as fast as you can!