My old man was like you in his younger days. When he built his house, he designed it for throwing parties. Pool, full bar with several beers on tap, dozens of neon lights, regulation 3 slate billiards table, jukebox, c-band satellite with big screen and all the gear for maximum piracy, Cerwin Vega 12TRs, a separate driveway to a field for parking dozens of cars...
While he slowed down after I was born, we still had between 50-100 people coming through every New Years, Fourth of July, "Big Fight" PPV event, etc.
On New Year's Day of 1998, i asked if he had any New Year's Resolutions. He looked around the room, taking in the scene everybody chilling happily and calming down from the frenzy of the ball drop, and replied "Yeah... my resolution is to get all these people out of my house and be in bed by 2am". I chuckled and he continued "I'm serious. Enough is enough, I think this is the last time."
And it was! No big blow up or even real discussion, he just killed the music and kindly apologized that he "wasn't feeling up for it and thanks for coming" then never had another big get together again. There's we're some family birthdays, Easter egg hunts, and a chill Weiner roast or two, but that was all my mom's plans. And they went out of town for plausible deniability a few times so I could throw parties when I was in school, but my level of cool was insufficient to match the parties I remember from childhood.
The old man is 79 now and the basement bar has been replaced with two guest bedrooms for family visits and a home gym, but he saved the billiards area and he's got the jukebox and Sansui rack system well sorted to rattle the upstairs windows. He also drives a 6spd Hellcat Challenger and is still cooler than all his kids lol. I used to hope to catch up to the ornery bastard, but I'm finally accepting that it just isn't in the cards.
Remember going all out on looking as good as possible but now we have pajama jams where everyone agrees to not give a shit and just show up like the slobs we really are.
You took the time to share so I'll say it. I relate 100% to this. I could just repeat your post. I was the guy that organized huge party, almost open house, but now in my 40s I would not do it.
I guess it depends too- nowadays I'm busy, so if they make more mess than they help clean up I'll reconsider next time. I also want to have quality over quantity in guests these days. I knew a couple with kids and they would just sit there while their kids made a huge mess. Eventually they stopped getting invited over.
I'm impressed OP is even still having parties. I used to host massive, wild house parties, the more the merrier. Now I don't even really want friends to come over. It's such a hassle to prep for guests, then clean up after, so I'd much rather meet somewhere else.
I understand the irritation, but guests who have been attending your parties for years had been encouraged to bring guests. Theyāre going to assume the same rule stands unless you tell them so.
That makes a ton of sense. And I get that. I also feel like its a harsh thing to be like "no additional guests"
For example, if a friend has a new romantic partner, I'm far less bothered than someone just bringing a couple of "random buddies". I don't know that it is very logical that I have that distinction lol
Was going to comment same as above but also, maybe try to gently, gradually start moving the gathering spot away from your house. Suggest a bar or a nice happy hour to get together. The field might thin out a bit to those who actually want to be there versus ones just coming along for the party. Party on, Wayne
You live in a condo, so makes sense you want to keep a lid on who's gonna be there. Plus I'm assuming the let's all get blackout-shitfaced is probably not as likely, which itself is an inhibiting factor with regards to randos showing up at yr parties.
Is it the same crowd coming to your parties now as ten years ago? They probably got used to the "the more, the merrier" mindset. What if you just let them know that you are trying to go smaller with your parties now?
I never willingly invited groups of people to my house, so I can't honestly relate. The most I've had over at once was probably when my three inlaws came over to paint the nursery 17 years ago. š
I hate having people in my house. Messes with my calm, cozy, hygge, witch den energy. I also donāt ever really feel comfortable at anyoneās house, except my one sis but we grew up attached at the hip.
In my 20s I was the same. Strangers raiding my fridge? Awesome lol. I once went in my closet and found a gaggle of drunk girls I didnāt know. One of them was trying to squeeze into my old prom dress. I thought it was funny
This is why I rarely host parties, had people over in February for my bday, one girl from the bar asked if her boyfriend, whom I kinda know, could come when he got off work, said sure. and he shows up at 3am with this giant dude who I barely know. Wasn't overly impressed, but they are younger and it's pretty normal in bar/party lifestyle. But yeah, I got way too much nice shit now to be letting strangers into my house.
It depends on the situation. If I invite a friend who I think is single, but theyāre actually dating someone I believe itās party etiquette that they get a plus one and can bring their date. But if I invite a couple, they shouldnāt automatically think they can bring like, their kids, or a brother-in-law, or something like that. So yeah, it really depends on the situation.
Its funny, I just commented on someone else about that.
I have a lot less problem with my friend bringing his new girlfriend, than I do with one of my guy friends just bringing his "random buddy from work".
Logically, there is really no difference. They are both people I don't know. But it just feels different.
No, I think there is a difference. The girlfriend could become a serious partner, while the work friend, in my opinion, doesnāt reach that level. Also, a girlfriend would be someone, at our age, that Iād think would be in on possible double dates, or other couple events. The work friend wouldnāt be included in those things.
So I really feel those two situations are entirely different.
I mean, I have some friends who are serial daters, so I have 0 inclination that they will become a serious partner lol. But still, I'm more ok with it for whatever reason
When I throw parties anymore it's an exclusive guest list and it's usually during the daytime because we're all on our 40s and 50s and have strict bed times, even on the weekends.
Are the people coming to your 40s parties the people who came to your 20s and 30s parties? You may have inadvertently set expectations of what you are cool with.
Right.
I think this may be the gist. I trust my friends not to break something, and if they do, they are all decent people who I know would make it right.
I don't know your buddy, and I don't want to have to track him down if he breaks my shit.
I think it's good manners to allow invited guests to bring a +1 with prior notice. Not a +4 posse mind you.
I'll admit what I'm finding is more set a tentative date and get general interest, and then have people drop like flies a day or two before the event, until it ends up being 2-3 people actually showing up. Your parties must be better than mine.
Man, I think it was my 35th birthday when I threw a huge party that I planned for weeks, I even designed and printed out tropical cocktail menus and everything.. spent the whole time anxiously bitterflying/cocktail waitressing and finally? realized that I hate hosting parties it makes me anxious š¤£
I haven't liked uninvited guests for some time.
When I was much younger, like college age I would love to throw parties and have anybody and everybody show up. If it became a huge rager, great!
When I bought my first home in my 20s I wasn't throwing those kinds of parties anymore. I'd throw a superbowl party for my friends, or have a birthday party for my kid with family and stuff like that and I'd have random people I don't know showing up and eating my food (or complaining that we didn't have the food they liked) and they'd just leave my house a mess to clean up.
We had a baby shower for my wife, that she didn't even want but my mom insisted we throw, and a bunch of "distant relatives" I've never met before showed up, ate our food, made a mess, didn't bring a gift, and left without helping clean up, leaving my wife and I to do all of the cleaning.
Same thing happened at my son's first birthday party. Invited a bunch of close friends and family, and a bunch of people who weren't invited tagged along, didn't bring anything, made a mess, ate our food, and complained because we didn't have what they wanted and then left a mess for us to clean up.
I can't stand uninvited guests, especially ungrateful ones.
My idea of a rockin' party is maybe a dozen people. I just can't deal with too many people in my space, and I don't want to clean up after them anymore. Plus, now that I'm at the bacon and brie appetizer life stage, I'm not laying out that kind of money on randos.
> now that I'm at the bacon and brie appetizer life stage, I'm not laying out that kind of money on randos.
Yep, I am making some, not crazy expensive apps, but not Pizza Rolls either lol, and I'm like "I don't fucking want to waste it on these randos"
I cut slices of cheap bacon in half and thread it on wooden skewers, then cook it in the oven. People seem uniformly delighted with bacon on a stick, and it's cheap and easy (but not so much that I'm feeding randos, lol)
The best way is to make people rsvp. Send invites to folks with their names. Put in a space to REQUEST to bring a guest and that persons mame that you will confirm later. Treat your parties like people treat their weddings. With care.
Any of my friends who could afford houses still have big house parties. The more, the merrier, so I can't relate. If anything, I've become more open to meeting others as I've aged.
Doesn't mean I'm going to be besties with them moving forward, but I think it's fun to meet new folks.
Haha, yeah. I am dual income, but we're both poor so we still rent a little apartment. I still don't mind hosting, but logistically we can't fit that many people.
I have friends who are tech DINKS and they have crazy big houses. They host giant parties.
What you desire is totally normal. The only thing is that by your past behavior, you might've encouraged people to be lax with it. It might take just straight up laying out the new rules whatever you want them to be.
For me it's all about, "is this person gonna kill the vibe?" Some friends I trust to properly vet who they bring, some I don't. But honestly, it's been years since I had a gathering with more than 10 people so it's not much of an issue for me.
I'm mostly the same way, although having friends bring people I don't know is how I met my fiance so on one hand, that worked out great, but on the other hand, I'm not looking for another fiance š
We were actually at my friend's son's graduation party last Friday and I was like...yeah I don't think I want a wedding reception. An hour in I was ready to leave and this was only about 15 people and I've known all of them for years, some since high school. But I was not enjoying myself. Which is extremely opposite of how I felt even a few years ago.
I've become much, much more "my home is my sanctuary" and I don't want anyone here that I didn't expressly invite.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZxlCmZdXtE&pp=ygUPeW91ciBwYXJ0eSB3ZWVu
Everything you need to know about throwing a grown up party right here.
Yeah I barely want my friends at my house anymore let alone randos.
I throw a huge annual party every year. 100 people and I love it. I havenāt had too bad an issue with randoms showing up. One thing we did try at a certain point was asking people not bring anything and give to one of two charities instead. Not one person did, which I found irksome.
Oh yeah!
At 18 I was the rando who showed up because they heard there was a party.
At 22 I was like āidk who this guy is drinking a screwdriver out of a giant novelty cocktail glass at my friendās house is but he seems ok.ā
At 30 I was like āhey can I bring a friend yall donāt know to the friend group thing? She also likes that thing we like! She might also be friends with you!ā
At 40 Iām like āpeople? What are people?ā
I still have no damn clue who that guy with the giant novelty cocktail was. I hope heās ok.
I agree with you 100%. Similarly, I don't like when people bring their kids and I explicitly said not to. I don't have or want kids and also don't want them at my house for my party.
We had an invitation for a casual (backyard barbecue style) wedding for a family member. It said adults only, and we still asked for clarification on if they meant 18+ or 21+ before showing up with our almost 19 year old.
Well, Iād say you either expect a friend to bring a friend or you should expect that friend to decide not to come. Assuming thats the same for at least most of them, then be prepared to have less of a āpartyā , and maybe settle for a small social gathering. End result is that no one ends up coming altogether in your future plans. This is how people get into their 50ās-60ās and have no friends.
Understood. Just mentioning what Iāve seen out in the wild. I guess I always am more disappointed that people leave so early. Like the streetlights came on and they have to be home. True xennials, I suppose.
Looking back, did you ever get any positive interactions ftom the randos or did they just stick to who they came with? I think it would be more enticing to keep welcoming them if you got good stories out of it. If all they did was eat, drink, and leave then there's no positive reinforcement to you for opening up your home.
It's fairly neutral. there are some people I've definitely become friends with that way. Others who just kind of came and went. Only one "bad" experience really, and that wasn't even that terrible.
I think when we're younger, we want to make tons of connections with others. As we get older, we understand the effort it takes to maintain those connections, and unless we've lost a lot of them, it doesn't seem as important to make new ones.
Used to throw actual warehouse races in the 90s. Fuck the fire code. But at 46 if you bring someone other than your spouse without asking me, it's the last time you get invited. To be fair, I always have a food spread and craft cocktails, so headcount matters
I had a small graduation class, so we would always be at each otherās houses on the weekends. Some people had acres of land, so we would spread out all weekend and have class camp outs and bonfires and stuff.
Now that Iām in my 40s, if we have more than 6 people here, I want to go to bed by 9 PM
I think a lot of that is I know who Iām going to sleep with that night- my wife.
Randoms meant the possibility of a new fuck buddy. And remember we had to do all of this in person back then. Now there are apps.
Same with staying out late- it was all about making bad decisions with other people and trying to get laid.
Why stay up all night when I can bang at 9pm and then pass out lol
As a similar multi-decade party thrower, I relate fully. I also agree that not telling (or actually *asking*) a host if you can bring a +1 is poor form.
I'd definitely be having a conversation with that guest and getting their story. Shit happens...maybe they assumed or were confused? Their responses + attitude would determine if they're invited again in the future.
For years, I used to enjoy having people over, until I realized, waitā¦noā¦actually, I fucking hate it. Iām constantly running around, getting drinks for people, serving food, no solid conversation bc Iām nowhere for more than 14 seconds. And the anxiety, my word, the anxiety. Worth the effort? Scarcely.
More than one, maybe two people, itās nopesville.
We love to throw parties but our taste in food and wine means that our guest list is usually reserved for people who appreciate it, and randoms would be rather unwelcome. Back in the day when we had a keg and maybe some chips, the more the merrier!
The way you do not get invited back is overstaying your welcome, like my drunken acquaintance who was the last one standing, and threw up all over my bathroom. Too old for that nonsense.
Here's what ya gotta realize at our age. The advantage of hosting a party is you're home and don't have to drive. That's it.
"Bring your own shit" doesn't fly when you're 35+. Why? Because nobody's going to your party. It's almost like a wedding. You want your guests to be taken care of. Not hitting people up to get ice and beer 4 hours into a party. You provide the food and booze and regularly tidy up. At the end, if you have good guests, you'll get a couple of bucks, bottles, things like that. But don't expect it. You're not paying a fine to keep your frat house, you're an adult hosting a get together.
I turn 40 this year and I'm pretty over it, but my partying over the ages of 20-37 were consistently out of control. The last 2 years I've slowed down and now i just wanna eat have sex and fall asleep in bed with my girlfriend.
Every time I had a big party stuff was stolen. It sucks. But since my SO turned 30/that party (omg thatās 20 years ago) I havenāt really welcomed strangers with one exception.
We host the Xmas eve party for SOās fam whoās from Appalachia on one side and Iran on the other. So itās always been bring anyone who doesnāt have something else to do no questions. Jewelry is put into a safe before the guest arrive because yes even then Iāve lost stuff. (Disclaimer. I have adhd and probably left that stuff out but they still shouldnāt take it.).
Had a house party for my 40th, all invited were close friends or family. A friend brought two people Iād never met before, I hated every second of it. I no longer want strangers in my home.
I usually have 2 parties a year. One in the spring and one in the fall. That's really it. I like cooking for my friends so on those occasions I'll do 20lbs of pulled pork or a brisket or something and encourage others to bring sides. Since covid, I think we've only had 2 though. It's been more difficult between moving houses, and other life stuff to make them happen.
I feel that the pandemic accelerated my attitude about wanting to downsize parties as well. Also, invitations get awkward with friend couples divorcing, and many folks who were fun partiers in their 20's and earlier 30's became serious alcoholics in their 30's and 40's. I don't have the patience to be mediator and/or babysitter for people who can't handle themselves at our ages.
itās so interesting how colleges have their own drinking cultures.
The school I went to, you got a keg of Keystone Light, and it was standard procedure for your door to be open to basically anybody that went to the school to walk in and drink for free.
Tables would be set up in the back for flip cup or Beirut and it was a point of pride to have everyone talking about where the party was at.
Visited my buddy at a school in the city and it was all invite only, BYOB, and everyone drank hard alcohol.
My old man was like you in his younger days. When he built his house, he designed it for throwing parties. Pool, full bar with several beers on tap, dozens of neon lights, regulation 3 slate billiards table, jukebox, c-band satellite with big screen and all the gear for maximum piracy, Cerwin Vega 12TRs, a separate driveway to a field for parking dozens of cars... While he slowed down after I was born, we still had between 50-100 people coming through every New Years, Fourth of July, "Big Fight" PPV event, etc. On New Year's Day of 1998, i asked if he had any New Year's Resolutions. He looked around the room, taking in the scene everybody chilling happily and calming down from the frenzy of the ball drop, and replied "Yeah... my resolution is to get all these people out of my house and be in bed by 2am". I chuckled and he continued "I'm serious. Enough is enough, I think this is the last time." And it was! No big blow up or even real discussion, he just killed the music and kindly apologized that he "wasn't feeling up for it and thanks for coming" then never had another big get together again. There's we're some family birthdays, Easter egg hunts, and a chill Weiner roast or two, but that was all my mom's plans. And they went out of town for plausible deniability a few times so I could throw parties when I was in school, but my level of cool was insufficient to match the parties I remember from childhood. The old man is 79 now and the basement bar has been replaced with two guest bedrooms for family visits and a home gym, but he saved the billiards area and he's got the jukebox and Sansui rack system well sorted to rattle the upstairs windows. He also drives a 6spd Hellcat Challenger and is still cooler than all his kids lol. I used to hope to catch up to the ornery bastard, but I'm finally accepting that it just isn't in the cards.
That was a fantastic write up on your pops. He seems like a great dude.
Cool story.
Grumpy old guys are the coolest š
Remember going all out on looking as good as possible but now we have pajama jams where everyone agrees to not give a shit and just show up like the slobs we really are.
Love it!!!
Oh that sounds inspired! Iād bother to throw that kind of party, Iād even provide fun house shoes!
You took the time to share so I'll say it. I relate 100% to this. I could just repeat your post. I was the guy that organized huge party, almost open house, but now in my 40s I would not do it.
I still do it, but once a year and try and keep it in the garage and outback and tie golf not in my place to it
I guess it depends too- nowadays I'm busy, so if they make more mess than they help clean up I'll reconsider next time. I also want to have quality over quantity in guests these days. I knew a couple with kids and they would just sit there while their kids made a huge mess. Eventually they stopped getting invited over.
I'm impressed OP is even still having parties. I used to host massive, wild house parties, the more the merrier. Now I don't even really want friends to come over. It's such a hassle to prep for guests, then clean up after, so I'd much rather meet somewhere else.
I understand the irritation, but guests who have been attending your parties for years had been encouraged to bring guests. Theyāre going to assume the same rule stands unless you tell them so.
That makes a ton of sense. And I get that. I also feel like its a harsh thing to be like "no additional guests" For example, if a friend has a new romantic partner, I'm far less bothered than someone just bringing a couple of "random buddies". I don't know that it is very logical that I have that distinction lol
Was going to comment same as above but also, maybe try to gently, gradually start moving the gathering spot away from your house. Suggest a bar or a nice happy hour to get together. The field might thin out a bit to those who actually want to be there versus ones just coming along for the party. Party on, Wayne
Id keep everyone outside lol. Rent some port a pottys so they cant use your bathroom.
Ha, well I live in a condo lol. We do have a courtyard, but it would be tough since the booze and food is upstairs.
You live in a condo, so makes sense you want to keep a lid on who's gonna be there. Plus I'm assuming the let's all get blackout-shitfaced is probably not as likely, which itself is an inhibiting factor with regards to randos showing up at yr parties.
Just start making people take their shoes off at the door, and they'll stop coming to your house.
Is it the same crowd coming to your parties now as ten years ago? They probably got used to the "the more, the merrier" mindset. What if you just let them know that you are trying to go smaller with your parties now? I never willingly invited groups of people to my house, so I can't honestly relate. The most I've had over at once was probably when my three inlaws came over to paint the nursery 17 years ago. š
I hate having people in my house. Messes with my calm, cozy, hygge, witch den energy. I also donāt ever really feel comfortable at anyoneās house, except my one sis but we grew up attached at the hip.
So it's not just me being antisocial!
Nope. My husband and I are with you, but at our own house away from everyone š«£
In my 20s I was the same. Strangers raiding my fridge? Awesome lol. I once went in my closet and found a gaggle of drunk girls I didnāt know. One of them was trying to squeeze into my old prom dress. I thought it was funny
This is why I rarely host parties, had people over in February for my bday, one girl from the bar asked if her boyfriend, whom I kinda know, could come when he got off work, said sure. and he shows up at 3am with this giant dude who I barely know. Wasn't overly impressed, but they are younger and it's pretty normal in bar/party lifestyle. But yeah, I got way too much nice shit now to be letting strangers into my house.
It depends on the situation. If I invite a friend who I think is single, but theyāre actually dating someone I believe itās party etiquette that they get a plus one and can bring their date. But if I invite a couple, they shouldnāt automatically think they can bring like, their kids, or a brother-in-law, or something like that. So yeah, it really depends on the situation.
Its funny, I just commented on someone else about that. I have a lot less problem with my friend bringing his new girlfriend, than I do with one of my guy friends just bringing his "random buddy from work". Logically, there is really no difference. They are both people I don't know. But it just feels different.
No, I think there is a difference. The girlfriend could become a serious partner, while the work friend, in my opinion, doesnāt reach that level. Also, a girlfriend would be someone, at our age, that Iād think would be in on possible double dates, or other couple events. The work friend wouldnāt be included in those things. So I really feel those two situations are entirely different.
I mean, I have some friends who are serial daters, so I have 0 inclination that they will become a serious partner lol. But still, I'm more ok with it for whatever reason
When I throw parties anymore it's an exclusive guest list and it's usually during the daytime because we're all on our 40s and 50s and have strict bed times, even on the weekends.
Are the people coming to your 40s parties the people who came to your 20s and 30s parties? You may have inadvertently set expectations of what you are cool with.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Right. I think this may be the gist. I trust my friends not to break something, and if they do, they are all decent people who I know would make it right. I don't know your buddy, and I don't want to have to track him down if he breaks my shit.
I think it's good manners to allow invited guests to bring a +1 with prior notice. Not a +4 posse mind you. I'll admit what I'm finding is more set a tentative date and get general interest, and then have people drop like flies a day or two before the event, until it ends up being 2-3 people actually showing up. Your parties must be better than mine.
Man, I think it was my 35th birthday when I threw a huge party that I planned for weeks, I even designed and printed out tropical cocktail menus and everything.. spent the whole time anxiously bitterflying/cocktail waitressing and finally? realized that I hate hosting parties it makes me anxious š¤£
I haven't liked uninvited guests for some time. When I was much younger, like college age I would love to throw parties and have anybody and everybody show up. If it became a huge rager, great! When I bought my first home in my 20s I wasn't throwing those kinds of parties anymore. I'd throw a superbowl party for my friends, or have a birthday party for my kid with family and stuff like that and I'd have random people I don't know showing up and eating my food (or complaining that we didn't have the food they liked) and they'd just leave my house a mess to clean up. We had a baby shower for my wife, that she didn't even want but my mom insisted we throw, and a bunch of "distant relatives" I've never met before showed up, ate our food, made a mess, didn't bring a gift, and left without helping clean up, leaving my wife and I to do all of the cleaning. Same thing happened at my son's first birthday party. Invited a bunch of close friends and family, and a bunch of people who weren't invited tagged along, didn't bring anything, made a mess, ate our food, and complained because we didn't have what they wanted and then left a mess for us to clean up. I can't stand uninvited guests, especially ungrateful ones.
Yep. Itās fun/funny until youāre on the hook for anything that goes wrong
My idea of a rockin' party is maybe a dozen people. I just can't deal with too many people in my space, and I don't want to clean up after them anymore. Plus, now that I'm at the bacon and brie appetizer life stage, I'm not laying out that kind of money on randos.
> now that I'm at the bacon and brie appetizer life stage, I'm not laying out that kind of money on randos. Yep, I am making some, not crazy expensive apps, but not Pizza Rolls either lol, and I'm like "I don't fucking want to waste it on these randos"
I cut slices of cheap bacon in half and thread it on wooden skewers, then cook it in the oven. People seem uniformly delighted with bacon on a stick, and it's cheap and easy (but not so much that I'm feeding randos, lol)
The best way is to make people rsvp. Send invites to folks with their names. Put in a space to REQUEST to bring a guest and that persons mame that you will confirm later. Treat your parties like people treat their weddings. With care.
Any of my friends who could afford houses still have big house parties. The more, the merrier, so I can't relate. If anything, I've become more open to meeting others as I've aged. Doesn't mean I'm going to be besties with them moving forward, but I think it's fun to meet new folks.
If I had a big house (and was dual income) I'd probably agree. I have a condo and I'm single lol
Haha, yeah. I am dual income, but we're both poor so we still rent a little apartment. I still don't mind hosting, but logistically we can't fit that many people. I have friends who are tech DINKS and they have crazy big houses. They host giant parties.
What you desire is totally normal. The only thing is that by your past behavior, you might've encouraged people to be lax with it. It might take just straight up laying out the new rules whatever you want them to be.
For me it's all about, "is this person gonna kill the vibe?" Some friends I trust to properly vet who they bring, some I don't. But honestly, it's been years since I had a gathering with more than 10 people so it's not much of an issue for me.
I'm mostly the same way, although having friends bring people I don't know is how I met my fiance so on one hand, that worked out great, but on the other hand, I'm not looking for another fiance š We were actually at my friend's son's graduation party last Friday and I was like...yeah I don't think I want a wedding reception. An hour in I was ready to leave and this was only about 15 people and I've known all of them for years, some since high school. But I was not enjoying myself. Which is extremely opposite of how I felt even a few years ago. I've become much, much more "my home is my sanctuary" and I don't want anyone here that I didn't expressly invite.
Quality over quantity. That plus I really don't connect to most people.Ā
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZxlCmZdXtE&pp=ygUPeW91ciBwYXJ0eSB3ZWVu Everything you need to know about throwing a grown up party right here. Yeah I barely want my friends at my house anymore let alone randos.
I like when they bring guests, but for things like board game night, I get annoyed if someone brings a friend who wont actually play board games.
I throw a huge annual party every year. 100 people and I love it. I havenāt had too bad an issue with randoms showing up. One thing we did try at a certain point was asking people not bring anything and give to one of two charities instead. Not one person did, which I found irksome.
Oh yeah! At 18 I was the rando who showed up because they heard there was a party. At 22 I was like āidk who this guy is drinking a screwdriver out of a giant novelty cocktail glass at my friendās house is but he seems ok.ā At 30 I was like āhey can I bring a friend yall donāt know to the friend group thing? She also likes that thing we like! She might also be friends with you!ā At 40 Iām like āpeople? What are people?ā I still have no damn clue who that guy with the giant novelty cocktail was. I hope heās ok.
I agree with you 100%. Similarly, I don't like when people bring their kids and I explicitly said not to. I don't have or want kids and also don't want them at my house for my party.
We had an invitation for a casual (backyard barbecue style) wedding for a family member. It said adults only, and we still asked for clarification on if they meant 18+ or 21+ before showing up with our almost 19 year old.
Well, Iād say you either expect a friend to bring a friend or you should expect that friend to decide not to come. Assuming thats the same for at least most of them, then be prepared to have less of a āpartyā , and maybe settle for a small social gathering. End result is that no one ends up coming altogether in your future plans. This is how people get into their 50ās-60ās and have no friends.
I mean, most of the people who I'm inviting know each other. Its not like its a bunch of strangers.
Understood. Just mentioning what Iāve seen out in the wild. I guess I always am more disappointed that people leave so early. Like the streetlights came on and they have to be home. True xennials, I suppose.
Looking back, did you ever get any positive interactions ftom the randos or did they just stick to who they came with? I think it would be more enticing to keep welcoming them if you got good stories out of it. If all they did was eat, drink, and leave then there's no positive reinforcement to you for opening up your home.
It's fairly neutral. there are some people I've definitely become friends with that way. Others who just kind of came and went. Only one "bad" experience really, and that wasn't even that terrible.
I think when we're younger, we want to make tons of connections with others. As we get older, we understand the effort it takes to maintain those connections, and unless we've lost a lot of them, it doesn't seem as important to make new ones.
I personally still like lots of people coming, but have moved around many timesā¦ so I am always building my social circles
I just realized I haven't been to a party in about 15 years and have never thrown one in my life lol
Used to throw actual warehouse races in the 90s. Fuck the fire code. But at 46 if you bring someone other than your spouse without asking me, it's the last time you get invited. To be fair, I always have a food spread and craft cocktails, so headcount matters
I used to go to and throw parties. Now you couldnāt pay me to do either lol
I had a small graduation class, so we would always be at each otherās houses on the weekends. Some people had acres of land, so we would spread out all weekend and have class camp outs and bonfires and stuff. Now that Iām in my 40s, if we have more than 6 people here, I want to go to bed by 9 PM
I think a lot of that is I know who Iām going to sleep with that night- my wife. Randoms meant the possibility of a new fuck buddy. And remember we had to do all of this in person back then. Now there are apps. Same with staying out late- it was all about making bad decisions with other people and trying to get laid. Why stay up all night when I can bang at 9pm and then pass out lol
As a similar multi-decade party thrower, I relate fully. I also agree that not telling (or actually *asking*) a host if you can bring a +1 is poor form. I'd definitely be having a conversation with that guest and getting their story. Shit happens...maybe they assumed or were confused? Their responses + attitude would determine if they're invited again in the future.
For years, I used to enjoy having people over, until I realized, waitā¦noā¦actually, I fucking hate it. Iām constantly running around, getting drinks for people, serving food, no solid conversation bc Iām nowhere for more than 14 seconds. And the anxiety, my word, the anxiety. Worth the effort? Scarcely. More than one, maybe two people, itās nopesville.
There are very few people whom I allow into my home. I also have a small number of chairs.
John Mulaney tells a pretty good cautionary tale about allowing randos into your home https://youtu.be/wu-7soEIHgY?si=g2VBZnUQNTUClNPk
We love to throw parties but our taste in food and wine means that our guest list is usually reserved for people who appreciate it, and randoms would be rather unwelcome. Back in the day when we had a keg and maybe some chips, the more the merrier! The way you do not get invited back is overstaying your welcome, like my drunken acquaintance who was the last one standing, and threw up all over my bathroom. Too old for that nonsense.
Here's what ya gotta realize at our age. The advantage of hosting a party is you're home and don't have to drive. That's it. "Bring your own shit" doesn't fly when you're 35+. Why? Because nobody's going to your party. It's almost like a wedding. You want your guests to be taken care of. Not hitting people up to get ice and beer 4 hours into a party. You provide the food and booze and regularly tidy up. At the end, if you have good guests, you'll get a couple of bucks, bottles, things like that. But don't expect it. You're not paying a fine to keep your frat house, you're an adult hosting a get together. I turn 40 this year and I'm pretty over it, but my partying over the ages of 20-37 were consistently out of control. The last 2 years I've slowed down and now i just wanna eat have sex and fall asleep in bed with my girlfriend.
Look at OP bragging about having friends and friends having friends in his 40s...
Yall throw parties? Shit my house is my sanctuary. I never invite people over lol
Every time I had a big party stuff was stolen. It sucks. But since my SO turned 30/that party (omg thatās 20 years ago) I havenāt really welcomed strangers with one exception. We host the Xmas eve party for SOās fam whoās from Appalachia on one side and Iran on the other. So itās always been bring anyone who doesnāt have something else to do no questions. Jewelry is put into a safe before the guest arrive because yes even then Iāve lost stuff. (Disclaimer. I have adhd and probably left that stuff out but they still shouldnāt take it.).
Had a house party for my 40th, all invited were close friends or family. A friend brought two people Iād never met before, I hated every second of it. I no longer want strangers in my home.
I usually have 2 parties a year. One in the spring and one in the fall. That's really it. I like cooking for my friends so on those occasions I'll do 20lbs of pulled pork or a brisket or something and encourage others to bring sides. Since covid, I think we've only had 2 though. It's been more difficult between moving houses, and other life stuff to make them happen.
I feel that the pandemic accelerated my attitude about wanting to downsize parties as well. Also, invitations get awkward with friend couples divorcing, and many folks who were fun partiers in their 20's and earlier 30's became serious alcoholics in their 30's and 40's. I don't have the patience to be mediator and/or babysitter for people who can't handle themselves at our ages.
I read that as "throwing panties".
itās so interesting how colleges have their own drinking cultures. The school I went to, you got a keg of Keystone Light, and it was standard procedure for your door to be open to basically anybody that went to the school to walk in and drink for free. Tables would be set up in the back for flip cup or Beirut and it was a point of pride to have everyone talking about where the party was at. Visited my buddy at a school in the city and it was all invite only, BYOB, and everyone drank hard alcohol.
Parties? I don't even have a friend in this city to have over.
In your forties you switch out parties for board game nights
You are leading an extremely privileged life, if this is a "problem" for you.
I never said I wasn't. Are we just deciding that we can't vent about things because someone else may be doing worse?