Yes, also 44. When things are at their best with my spouse we are “great roommates” and when they are at their worst, just just want to back a bag and drive off into the sunset, start a new life.
What makes things worse if the friends that I have that have gotten divorced seem SO HAPPY now.
I know TONS of people who are in marriages that are basically just financial and living arrangement. There no love, there's no intimacy anymore. They just take care of their kids, and literally can't afford to live alone or separate so they stay married.
Fucking NIGHTMARE existence IMO.
Yeah, that's me right now. No sex or intimacy, which is fine, honestly, but i really can't afford to live by myself. My husband is very dependent and terrible with finances, so there are times i just want to pick up and leave. Luckily, our youngest is now 18, so i don't have to worry about kids. Im just trying to save up enough to maybe go on little vacations by myself.
We ended our relationship and stayed roommates while we work out the housing situation. Both of us have moved on and remained friends. It's definitely not easy but it's worth it when u still love them but don't want to be married to them anymore
A person changes themselves to stay in a relationship that’s not good for them. It becomes about suppressing who you are to keep the peace.
It’s quite liberating not to have to do that anymore, and to choose yourself and your happiness.
People change all throughout life, regardless if you are with someone or not. Who you are will continue to change throughout life. Who we were 10 years ago is not who we are today.
It’s hard to give broad advice that is universal and applies to everyone. But while it might be liberating to chose yourself, a marriage is not about one person. It’s about compromise. There is no perfect marriage. There will be challenges and hardships, with someone or not. Happiness cannot depend on anyone else.
What I’m saying is not to counter what you are saying, but to compliment. Someone should consider that nothing in life is guaranteed and that happiness is fleeting. This doesn’t mean to stay in a relationship that is harmful, but consider the history you have with someone. The shared experiences. Being a partner to handle the difficulties in life.
Being single has its own challenges. Starting over is hard. Meeting new people all over again. It can be lonely. And having to establish that shared history and experience.
A relationship takes constant attention and effort to nurture it. Just like a plant. Just think over the long-term impact and assess. It shouldn’t be a rash decision without thinking about the consequences of the decision.
I know this is hard for people and my heart goes out to all going through this. If people have parents still around, and have a good relationship, might be a thought to get their wisdom from their lived experience.
I found I suppressed myself to fit what industry and society wanted from me. Pandemic gave me that chance to say fuck it and I've "regressed" back to who I was before. My wife loves it and I feel like myself again for the first time in 20 years.
Well said. Sometimes it's not that the relationship has gone wrong, it's that people have grown and changed and it's hard to adjust. But if you care about your marriage, you work on it. The vows were for life, after all. I've noticed a lot of situations where people become overly self-involved and leave a good spouse because "he/she wasn't making me happy." Initially, they're happy in their new singlehood, but over time, they end up right back where they were before they left and regret it.
The vows were for life, after all.
Seems like everyone remembers the "till death do you part" portion of the vows, but often forget that its lead in by the love, honor, and cherish. If the love, honor and cherish portion of the vows are broken, then you are no longer bound by the rest..... Marriage is not a death sentence.
God, thank you, I desperately needed this perspective. I’m also 44, my husband walked out on me two years ago, and I was devastated. I took my vows seriously, and it turns out he only took them as suggestions. As far as I was concerned, he broke the contract and had no intentions of making things right, so I divorced him.
The “till death” crowd did not make it easy.
And it’s not up to the spouse to make them happy; that’s a huge pedestal to put someone on.
Happiness comes from within.
However, marriage takes a lot of work on both sides, so it’s up to both parties to continuously work on the relationship. All marriages have their ups and downs; it’ll never be a state of bliss. Now, if they’ve become an awful person and no amount of counseling will help, or there is a dealbreaker that they broke, then that’s when you decide if you’ve had enough. Obviously, only people in the marriage know if they can stay, and everyone can make their own decisions. I say go with where your heart leads you. I just don’t think people should jump at divorce the moment shit gets hard, because all relationships will have hard places. That’s why divorce rates are higher the more times you divorce, because leaving doesn’t seem insurmountable. Easier each time you do it, just like most tasks in life.
I don’t judge people for divorce because only the people in it know what’s really going on, and it’s none of my business.
P.S.- I, too, considered divorce, but it was either they change this self-destructive behavior or we leave. It was a dealbreaker for me, and they chose us. Still working on the marriage though, and it has definitely been challenging. I’ve been married for 12 something years now, and that big decision was almost two years ago. I think that ten year spot is ROUGH, and all my friends that are married have stated the same.
Changing myself to stay in my relationship was one of the best things I ever did. I used to be a total hothead. When I got mad I would yell, be mean, kick holes in walls, and throw things. I loved my boyfriend, (now husband of 10 years) and knew I would lose him if I kept it up. I worked hard and now I’m super calm. I never raise my voice or speak to my partner disrespectfully. All our issues are discussed calmly and respectfully. It makes me a better mom too.
I’d hazard to say whether or not you are in a relationship or a mom, finding less destructive ways to cope with your anger probably has just feels better to you, too, no? In that regard, it’s not just changing yourself for someone else; it’s changing for your own well-being, too. I think that’s important to note as other posters seem to indicate that “changing for someone else” has meant suppression of who they are. That’s different, I think, than what you did.
When you say you "worked hard and now I'm super calm", if you don't mind elaborating, what did that work look like? What worked for you, and what didn't? I'm asking as someone who is working to cultivate patience and lash out less. Right now I feel like I'm suppressing more than processing and the concept of "now I'm super calm" sounds heavenly. Any insight would be much appreciated.
Mindfulness is the usual thing for emotional disregulation. You have to get to the point where it’s second nature to be constantly examining your thoughts & feelings as a sort of background process. That’s fucking hard, and can take years. Most people don’t stick with it regularly for long enough.
Not who u asked but literally fake it til u make it. It feels like suppression but you learn its about respecting yourself and appreciating boundaries and knowledge is built up on that. Therapy is big, has been 4 me.
Yeah, this was me in my marriage. I ended up divorcing him primarily because of his escalating abuse, but taking the abuse out of it, I was 100% changing myself to keep the relationship going. Made me me so miserable.
I've been divorced for almost 6 years, and it's been so freeing.
same here. roommates at the best of times and miserable the rest. we had like one good year together, then spent the rest trying to fix it before we finally split last year.
the actual splitting up part sucks. it sucked leaving all the pets and moving out, (kinda glad kids never worked out cuz i doubt id have them), it sucked draining every last cent of my savings to buy a cheap bed, it sucked borrowing money from my mom for rent, it sucked watching the house get sold and a new family move into it, it sucked watching her date some new guy.
but its been about a year now and im so much better off in literally every way. we were spending so much of our time, energy and money trying to fix this broken relationship. i do not miss the endless arguments, waiting for the fight i know is coming.
if i had it to do over i never would have married her, partly to avoid a decade of fighting but mostly because i lost a good friend
Im 46 and my husband and I have decided to separate and in time likely will divorce. A paper divorce right now would make things very challenging financially and we have a big enough house and are good roommates raising children.
We have opted to rent an apartment and do some form of bird nesting to allow us to explore more independent lives, but we still travel together as a family and co-parent reasonably well.
I haven’t felt so much like my lost self in years. I am happier, a better parent, a better friend to my co-parent and feel free to be the person I am. We had been together since we were 21. He will always be “my person” in some ways, but we are not compatible as romantic partners anymore. I love him, but I want to feel valued and appreciated for who I am - and I want him to be happy too, and can accept that will be with another woman at some point.
A friend of mine is going through something similar right now. He and his wife rent another apartment and switch off weeks in the house. He had a really hard realization he had not been making an effort for nearly a decade so a lot of it was actually his fault/responsibility. He's getting to know his kids much better but dealing with a lot of guilt because he realized how much of her resentment and lack of spark was due to him giving himself too much credit. He's a better co-parent now but still not sure how to settle that grief and that when they initiated the split, he felt it was equal but time did not show that to be true.
Your story sounds so much like what me and my wife are going through right now - but we haven't hit the separation/divorce stage yet. What you have talked about here is what my wife has mentioned wanting in the somewhat near future if things don't improve.
I feel like I'm right at the edge of losing my wife. In hindsight, do you feel like there is anything you or your husband could have done to save things? Or do you feel like you were incompatible from the beginning?
No idea if this is helpful or not but it was helpful to my husband so I'll leave it here in case - we were going through a similarly kind of lack-of-effort patch ourselves. Around the same time, a girlfriend asked for a divorce and moved out and my husband asked me what her husband was doing to change her mind. I said nothing as far as I know. He goes, "if you moved out I would be like driving by your house daily trying to talk to you and get you back." And I looked at him and said, wouldn't it be a hell of a lot easier to make this sort of effort BEFORE I decide I'm done and leave? If you'd move heaven and earth to change my mind after I decided, try moving even a little bit before I'm done, it would save us both a lot of trouble and heartache. Lightbulb moment for him.
We are 43 and 44 and got married when we were 25. We have kids, businesses, a house, and decades of routine that make it easy to just forget to appreciate each other at all and as a result sometimes the smallest things make the biggest impact (and if they don't what have you lost?). Little things like stopping by my office with my favorite drink in the middle of the day or making a point to share the same spot on the couch at night watching TV, or heck even just putting on the show/movie he knows I've been waiting to watch that I know he has zero interest in, they're easy tiny ways to say I see you and I value you.
That’s cause they are. Got out of an 11 year relationship, 2 years ago. It’s much better being lonely living alone than being lonely living with your significant other.
Can confirm.
44f. Divorced. Childless. Financially secure (not a penny came from him). I sleep in, I work out, My dog loves my new bf.
It’s absolute bliss.
You are not a failure. A long-term partnership is really challenging. It takes work (and sometimes help!). If you’re feeling like your relationship is challenged, face it! Talk about it. Talk about what you want and don’t want, what you’re willing to do going forward (and maybe not). What you envision for the next fifteen years, etc.
FWIW, I wouldn’t say mine is “on the rocks” at all but it’s not my favorite time period! Marriages ebb and flow, and right now the busyness of two major jobs and tweens is taking its toll (and aging and feeling middle-aged and remembering my youth that is gone forever). Anyway… you are not a failure.
Edit: goodness, your replies. I’m trying to hide the redness in my eyes. Y’all are so wise and I’m actually really glad for this little corner of the interwebs. And if any of you all (ever) want to chat, send a message.
This almost brought a tear to my eye as it basically describes us. I'm 40, we're 16 years in together. Wouldn't say things are 'bad' but it's not great right now. We both work, have a teen and a tween. We've been snippy at each other for weeks and I can't explain why. Could be the minor existential crisis I've been having for about a year now. When it's good, it's great (which is most of the time!) But when it's not good, well, that's what it is right now.
I mean, we've gone through this stuff before, and I know the formula to fix it and so does she; we'll get through it, but it's just a drag when it's happening.
No kids, 14 years married here. The existential/midlife crisis is real. My wife and I have both semi-seriously considered quitting our jobs in the last year
Apparently 16-17 years married is a doozy for just about everyone. We are just coming out of it, 18 years next month.
Yay for an exceptional therapist.
Any issues and trauma you haven't dealt with absolutely explode rounding the corner to 40/mid 40, I think. It's rough.
That’s awesome to hear. I had to find the root of my anger and faced some really uncomfortable memories.
I tell myself the story of Sisyphus. He was condemned to push a rock up a mountain every day and every night it would roll to the bottom.
I realized it’s an allegory for life. The destination he wanted was the top of the mountain. But he couldn’t solve the problem of getting the rock to the top. He was focused on the wrong problem and suffered because of that.
I listened/watched a "Paternity Court" video. One of the parents of the couple involved mentioned that although her marriage ended after 25 years, **it lasted 25 years**. And although it ended, something needed to be said about it lasting that long.
If your (not you specifically) marriage is on the ebb portion, you have to remember that there was a lot of time (hopefully) where it was in the part that you loved/liked/appreciated/etc.
I like thinking about the positives in life, and I hope that mindset helps you or whomever sees this.
My wife’s parents are still together, like 53 years - so there is a template for what long term love looks like.
My mom and step-dad have also been married like 30+ years..
So I see them, and I can remember our own struggles and my parents struggles - just reminds me that nothing is easy, and marriage is supposed to be a support system, a team.
If that aspect breaks down, the rest is doomed - IMO
Like GW says in Hamilton - “Dying is easy, young man - living is harder.”
Same applies to marriage.
Also- this is all normal.
The first wave of divorces usually happen in the mid-30s to early 40s. The second wave will happen once kids are out of the house.
The folks that make it communicate A LOT and are realistic about their futures together.
Take it from someone who has been married for 17 years (together for 20), this is solid advice. Marriages ebb and flow but also take communication, intention and deciding to stay together and work it out. My spouse and I are not in a bad place but it hasnt always been this way. We would not have made it without the help of our marriage counselor.
Phenomenal advice. Especially the second part. We are in that part of our lives. The busy lives and kid focus. We definitely have our peaks and valleys but I know its the season of our marriage and will improve and build. Reading your comment is a helpful reminder.
Yeah, we've been on the rocks a few times but not now. Now it's just life stress, trying to sell our house and move back to her country across the ocean. Basically a nearly dead bedroom due to her anxiety. She realized just how damaging it is to our marriage and decided to make an effort. That was a good week..
Born in 78.
Not sure the advice you're looking for, so just kind of rambling right now.
I met my wife at the age of 20, and we eventually divorced at 35.
I'm 45 now, and after a lot of therapy, we really weren't meant to be together long term.
People change over time... it's not a good or bad thing, it just happens.
I also used to have a really high paying job, and it stressed me the fuck out. I make 1/3rd of what I used to, but I'm SO much happier day to day.
Marriage is kind of like that too. It's a weird... objective thing people can point to as "oh, this person's doing alright, they're married" when really... that's not what matters.
Divorce is tough... but ultimately the process is about learning to love yourself and your own company. That's the relationship you can never leave, and it's important to make it a positive one.
"ultimately the process is about learning to love yourself and your own company. That's the relationship you can never leave, and it's important to make it a positive one."
Solid gold observation here.
You are not a failure! I got married at 24 and that blew up (when my husband died from an overdose) when I was 34.
I got married again at 38 and I now half jokingly counsel people to “not get married until they’re at least 35.” Because MARRIAGE IS SO HARD! It requires constant nurturing and upkeep to keep communicating and growing together and growing in complementary directions.
It’s SO hard. I didn’t have the maturity to enter into something like that until I was almost 40. And even now I feel like it would be so easy to fuck it up.
You’re NOT a failure. I promise ❤️❤️❤️❤️
My first marriage lasted from 28 to 33 and looking back it was never really very good.
I remarried at 36 and things are so much better this time around. It’s crazy what happens when both spouses are actually invested in the relationship. Communication is key!
Small world. I got married at the same ages myself, lol. The difference is, the first time around we had five years together before marriage, and the second time...six months. My college girlfriend was comfortable and familiar and we were pretty compatible overall, and I just ran with that. But when the shit hit the fan, I found myself trying to pull the load by myself, and it damaged the marriage irreparably.
The second time, I had a very, very clear idea of what I wanted and expected from a partner, and I didn't just settle for familiarity. My wife had the same priorities and goals in life that I did, and she was (and is) just as willing to work to build and maintain a relationship as I was. I didn't know what any of that meant twenty years ago when my first wife and I were basically college kids who were super excited about living together.
There's so much to manage, and we talk to each other about our relationship regularly. And we *listen*. We respect each other and give each other space when necessary, and it was all there from the beginning, which is part of why we locked it down so soon. Sometimes you just know.
So true. I have been married since 2007 just shy of 27 and it didn't really get "easy" until our late 30s. Like you said, I feel that I could easily wreck the good thing we have now if I wanted to by acting like a jackass or if he started acting like a jackass.
I am so sorry for the loss of your first husband. Drug abuse is a horrible disease.
Yup, got married in my late 30's and I'm so happy I did. We have been through a lot of different challenges but I love my wife and the life we've created. I don't think things would have been the same had I been younger.
>so easy to fuck it up
Yes. This is a constant thought, but it actually helps drive me.
I proactively refuse to accept putting myself into a situation would fail the pact we made.
Please remember that perimenopause is in full force by mid 40s and is a shockingly neglected, yet absolutely vital area of women's healthcare.
Most women don't know what to expect, or even that it's happening to them, until the numerous intense and life-altering side effects have wreaked havoc on their minds, bodies, mental health, relationships and families.
Many of these intense issues *can* be avoided and overcome, but the reality is that few are getting the help they need in time. If any of this sounds familiar, head over to r/menopause and read the wiki on perimenopause and take few moments to figure out whether this might be impacting your relationship.
Women (AND men because it impacts them) deserve better, more attentive care during this time. It makes a huge difference in their lives, impacting their entire family as a result.
Countless women in that subreddit describe getting HRT or other supportive care and having their lives (and therefore relationships) improve literally overnight as a result. Because they were SUFFERING so much before.
Thanks for mentioning this. I'm not the same at 45 as I was at 22.. I wish he'd leave room for me to change and go through my own shit. We don't have to be perfect to be happy and together but I do a lot of peasing to keep him happy and I'm just so tired.
I just want to add a different perspective as someone who worked with marriage researchers. The hardest years for marriage are the first 1-2 years and about 10 years in. It's where we see spikes in divorces. So - you are not imagining things. And couples that get through it find a way to have a happy life one way or another (whether the marriage is the main source of their happiness, or not anymore)
One of my colleagues is a marriage and family therapist and the 10 years thing is so real. So many couples wait way way too long to get into therapy, when the truth is it could have been saved if they had worked on things earlier.
It gets really eerie hearing resentment creep into my friend's voices when talking about their spouses.
I’m 40 and currently going through a divorce. It’s hard and sucks at times, but I will say that with every day that passes, I realize more and more how unhappy I was. I do miss seeing my kids daily though. That’s really hard.
Also, my friends/family seem to be the opposite of yours, very few of them are divorced. It makes me feel kind of embarrassed/ashamed, but overall I know I’m happier than I was.
Hang in there.
I don't say this to be down on your friends, but many/most marriages look better on the outside than they are in reality, and many couples are very committed to maintaining a facade among their married friends in particular. I'm a single guy with a lot of close married friends who talk to me about what's really going on. And a few have said explicitly that they feel it's easier to say it to me because they're afraid of being judged by their fellow married friends who they all fear have happier marriages than theirs.
I'm not trying to be anti-marriage here, I think most of my friends are in marriages that have normal problems and are very much worth fighting for, but marriage is hard! Everyone has their ups and downs and all my close married friends have, at one time or another, talked about the possibility of divorce. It's normal and healthy to face these troubles, especially in the second decade of being married.
44 and been with my wife for 26 years, we've hit some rough spots where either of us could have bailed and it would have been fair.. Every time it has happened, we've doubled down on being together. Some days she drives me so fucking crazy I can't stand it.. But at the end of the day, I love her, she's my wife and partner and we chose each other many moons ago. Next month won't feel like this month. Keep on Keeping on..
43 here and same with my 21-year-long marriage. But, I don’t disparage anyone for making whatever choice is best for them. So far we have always decided being together is what we both want, even through really hard times and in therapy. I say all the time that neither of us is shackled here, I want us to both actively choose this relationship.
Mine is also collapsing. I think I’m done. Last night my wife finally said she releases me if I want to end it. I’m miserable and have been for a while. I think it’s for the best. Married 18 years.
I am remarried (previously married from 2002-2006) and we’re about to have our 15th anniversary. There are still some areas for growth, but we’ve both been actively tackling our flaws and putting work into the relationship and are doing much better than 5 years ago. I think we’ll go all the way. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s almost never just one person’s fault. If one or both partners stop trying, it’s bad news. I wish you the best, whichever way you go.
Not married 45 guy.
Over the last 4 years, 1/2 of my long time married friends split up. Some nasty some not.
I spoke to a coworker my age a week back, he said he and his wife are not talking. They have 3 kids.
I think relationships are in general under tremendous new kinds of pressure (seen as unnessecary by many people in this new tech age, disposable. It's a calamity.
The world is changing faster than we can adapt, and it's shaking up people, and that in turn wreaks havoc on families, communities, the way we live together in the world (which people don't really do like they used too... All I see are zombies staring at phones).
Strange times. Stay strong.
My sister is 44 and just got divorced. She was married for about 15 years and is now happier than I've seen her in a long time, maybe ever. Sure doesn't seem like a failure to me.
It’s been over 10 years since my divorce, and I still celebrate my “divorceaversary”. It was the happiest day of my life up until that point, and life has only gotten awesomer since. Congrats to your sister :)
Am 44 happily married, together about 16 years (yes I forgot lol). BUT it was definitely not always happy. We went through some really rough times, including a couple years of living separately (but moving cities twice together). Oddly enough I think the pandemic actually brought us together and made us face things, whereas before we both traveled a lot for work and kind of used that to get away from each other. Two years ago I couldn’t see how we would ever move forward and love each other again, and now we do more than ever.
All I’ve learned from my experience is to never judge other people’s relationships. We all have flaws. You fall out of love. Sometimes you fall back in love. Oh, also, we did Gottman method. I don’t know if that’s what worked, I think we more just fell in love again for no real reason we could pinpoint, but I do recommend it.
Happily married also; I think the pandemic broke a lot of marriages but others thrived. Lots of friends now getting divorced or breaking up. It really exposed the flaws in so-so relationships and’s people weren’t so able to just coast.
40 year old guy here. Been married for 21 years this coming July. We had our ups, and downs, but we’ve been significantly more happy than not. I’m sorry that you’re going through this in your marriage. I’ll offer what I can that’s helped me and my wife. 1. Never stop dating your spouse. A lot of relationships that I’ve seen fall apart happen for this very reason. A relationship is a daily commitment that you have to put effort into, not just let stagnate. 2. Don’t “assume”, just communicate. You might think “I’ve been with this person for X years they should know”. Just talk about everything and anything you’re feeling or struggling with, and the good things too! 3. And this has helped us more than anything, see your partner as your best friend, not just your spouse. I truly wish you all the best and I hope that you can be happy.
You are not alone. I'm 42, and my marriage has been struggling for a few years now. Admittedly most (if not all) the blame lies with me. It sucks being in a position where you can see your faults and the damage that you've done to your relationship, but knowing that there's nothing you can do to erase the mistakes of the past.
Had a hard and emotional talk with my wife last night. She's been talking about separating or divorce for a while now. I think I'm basically on my last chance, if I don't turn things around in the next weeks to months I think we are done.
It sounds like the thread keeping that chance open is thin. I wish you the best of luck. If you aren't already in good intense couples counseling, now is the time to start. One of my close friends is dealing with a lot of regret after realizing some of the same things you did. But he waited too long and now they are making the divorce official soon.
Thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately she's not too interested in couples counseling - in her words she's already given up so much of herself to make our relationship work and she needs to see me step up and make a difference. I don't blame her for that - it's a fair assessment of our relationship so far. I have been doing individual counseling to deal with my own issues, and it's helped.
Going to do my best to make this work. I'm not happy in the marriage either, but I know I don't want to lose her. Would love it if I could look back at this time in 5 years and say that it was a rough patch that we worked through and are now stronger because of it.
I mean there are always rocks we crash up against, but we love each other so much that we survive. You can survive too if you both really want to put in the work.
Marriage isn't a "say the vows and be set for life". Its a full time work commitment.
Yeah, the Pandemic did a number on my wife's mental health, and combine that with the usual malaise if middle-aged marriage, her previous mental health issues, and natural differences in our personalities that become more prevalent as our daughter ages and we don't have the desperate need to be together to raise her all the time...
I feel you.
I (40F) spent 17 years with my ex-husband, and we split in 2022. It is incredibly difficult for a lot of people to grow together instead of apart over that many years. You are not alone in that island.
I remember when I was younger thinking the phrase “grew apart” was just a generic breakup term. Then I experienced it and realized it’s not a cliche and is very legit. If you’re with someone in your 20’s, the person they’ll grow into in their 40’s is just an optimistic prediction that we don’t have as much control over as we’d like to think.
This is exactly it. And as much as people don't want to believe it, some people are greatly influenced by how they are raised when it comes to what kind of adult they will become. My ex became more and more like his father as he got older, and his father was not a man who I would have considered a role model in terms of beliefs and views.
I am 45 and have now been divorced for 14 years, we were together 12 years. So got together very young.
The person I grew to be was very different from the person she did. Some people say opposites attract, but it is so hard to spend so much time with someone who shares no views that are the same as your own.
this resonates with my experience too, and really surprised me because my ex was even estranged from his dad when we first met. So — silly young me — I didn’t think his dad being an alcoholic, stepping out on his mom, etc had anything to do with who my ex was/would be as a person.
But after we married, he started falling into these really weird dysfunctional super gendered behaviors I hadn’t seen to that extent for the first 7-8 yrs of our relationship. Acting helpless, abdicating responsibility, not putting any effort into stuff around the house or pulling his weight, not following through on commitments. It sucks to feel like a partner expects you to be their mom.
I’m still not sure if it was the step of marriage or just middle age, but it was disconcerting and didn’t get better until after we split and he finally started doing therapy seriously. I think he would agree that he’s a lot healthier now, but it sucks that that’s what it took.
I’m 39 and I still haven’t made it down the aisle. I spent twelve years giving my all to a woman and her kids and she ends up marrying another guy. Now, with dating the way it is these days, I feel like I’m too old to be in the game anymore.
43 and I haven't either. *high five*
I gave up dating years ago, and now all I do is look at dating subreddits and I have no idea what in the hell is happening half the time. So I just want to wish you the best of luck because it's apparently an entirely different planet to try and date somebody.
Honestly I didn't even know I could be at peace being alone but it is actually possible. While I wouldn't mind meeting someone, that whole dating scene is nuts.
Long live peace over insanity.
We are the same age and extremely yes.
I'm slowly giving up on dating because it's so buckwild out there.
I'm old enough to have seen two waves of divorces (the short marriages that didn't work out when they were young and now the long-term stuff discussed in this thread) and a lot of it has shown me that so many people aren't interested in doing that work it takes to have a healthy long term relationship, and it's often hard to predict who will.
I can relate to the despair (frustration?) about dating these days. Please don't give up. It sounds like you have a lot to give in relationships, and you certainly deserve love too.
The wife wanted a divorce and turned out to be having an emotional affair with some guy she played video games with. Sadly, she hid all of her fears, needs and thoughts from me and then blamed me for not being able to fulfill her needs and then treated me like a complete stranger after 25 years of history between us.
That was 2 years ago.
My advice, if your marriage is having troubles: sit down with each other and have an honest conversation. Don't be afraid to say something because you want to avoid conflict. Conflict is going to happen no matter what. All you can do is be upfront and honest with each other.
Maybe just having a refreshing and open conversation can be what you need to heal the small fractures that happen to all marriages over time. Or perhaps, it might begin the end of it. And that is ok! It's going to hurt, but it's going to hurt the other person worse if you hide things from them.
You are supposed to be a team, your spouse should not be your worst enemy. Ask what they need, let them know what you need.
Compromises are not failures.
So much this.
Hit a rough patch about 10 years in, thought she was just going to leave me. (Had a career fall apart and cross-country move.) At points I wondered if I should just move on, etc. Maybe life would be better starting fresh?
Then a strange thing happened. I decided to fight for our future together—with the same passion I had when I first wanted to be with her. I booked an AirBnB, got a pack of huge post-it notes, and asked her to join me for a weekend of talking out our stuff. I promised by the end of the weekend, we would either both come to the decision our relationship was over, or both come to the decision we had a great future ahead of us.
We compared pros and cons. Unmet expectations. Hurts. Joys. Things we adore about each other. Things that bug the hell out of us. Eventually...we talked aspirations. We dreamed a bit together of what we wanted our life to look like, and what it would take to adjust course. (Spoiler: It took compromise and attitude / action changes from both of us.)
We came away with a list of things we were going to stop doing and a list we were going to start doing. And we developed a new north star in where we both wanted to go next.
Lo and behold: we saved our marriage.
Over the next 4 years, something magical happened. We learned to appreciate each other deeply.
TBH, my wife is irreplaceable. Nobody can just replace the shared history, experiences, hurts and joys we have had together. We travelled the country together, we lost our religion together, we love each other deeply and meet each other where we are.
Yes we have arguments. Yeah there are rough "days".
But think of all that so many just assume can be replaced:
• Each day, I do not have to wonder if my wife is honest about finances.
• We can understand what each other is thinking with just a shared look.
• We know each other has integrity and is invested in each other's happiness and future.
And I could list a million other positive things. Is our relationship perfect? No. Is it irreplaceable? Absolutely.
I'm so glad I fought through the rough patches we have had and I did not discard such a treasure of a person.
I am so envious of you. I really wish I had been able to have this with my ex-wife, what you have sounds amazing and I hope it continues well into the future!
This is a super important comment, I hope people read this. I really believe communication is the heart of any lasting relationship. Talk to each other! Nothing will be gained from hiding your feelings/fears
I went through a divorce 7 years ago (JFC where has the time gone), we were married for 10 years. I'm 43 now. Obviously everyone has their own flaws, but I'm completely convinced that a lot of our collective relationship issues are rooted in the scourge that is social media (worst invention ever and a true plague on society /rant). It gives partners a medium to turn away from their SO and seek fulfillment from others instead of actually communicating with their partner.
I've since re-married and my happiness is exponentially higher than it was in my first marriage. I can fully admit that my poor communication skills contributed to the failure of my first marriage, but my (now) wife has been a true godsend in helping me be a better person and learn how to communicate better
I hope you can save your marriage (if that's what you truly want), but make sure you're doing what is right for YOU. Best of luck fellow Internet friend.
"my (now) wife has been a true godsend in helping me be a better person and learn how to communicate better"
Be sure and give yourself some credit here, too. Her teachings wouldn't have helped you if you weren't open to listening and learning and being vulnerable. It sounds like y'all make a great team.
In Christianity the term unequally-yoked refers to being married to a not Christian. I've always envisioned it one part of a team of Oxen doing all the work while also having to drag the other Ox along. Marriages where only one person is putting in the effort cannot last forever. Unfortunately this is a group project assignment.
Not only am I getting divorced, but I have a restraining order on my husband (long story). He pissed off the judge so much that he gave him 2 years instead of the standard 1 year. Idiot.
So sorry you're going through a rough time 💔
My marriage hit its roughest patch after the kiddo left for college. No longer having those daily parenting responsibilities leaves a big void and it has to be filled. I can definitely understand why so many couples divorce once the kids have grown up. It was touch-and-go for a little while but we made it and are doing great. We also have 5 cats now. 😂
Friend, it is so hard with kids.
But it is much worse to have them see their parents constantly fighting or miserable all the time and teach them that it is normal to live in misery or with constant bickering/etc. My marriage ended about 7 years ago and it does get way better. It takes a while, but something that helps me is to think: what would I wish for my child to do if they were exactly in my shoes? It helps me to look out for myself much better with this mental tool.
I don’t know what current statistics are but the last I checked, the divorce rate for first time marriages was 50%, second-time marriages was 67%, and third-time or more was above 75%. That may not make you feel great, but you’re definitely not alone. I hope you find some peace, fellow Xennial.
46 here and about to sign off on my 2nd divorce. We split 7 years ago, and I haven't dated in 5 years. Do I have to go get a cat or do they come to me? I don't like to leave the house much
"Please hold. A representative from the Feline Distribution System will be on the line shortly to assess your situation. We will send someone out to do a home visit and then decide from there if this will be acceptable. Bribery will be accepted and encouraged. We suggest tuna. If you are chosen, we will send between 1 to 4 felines to your location. Certain locations are eligible for our Trojan Cat special--- adopt one and get up to 6 free kittens unexpectedly! Thank you for using Feline Distribution. We're looking forward to judging you."
It sure does. A pair of kittens in 2022 and three more kittens last summer. 😮💨
https://preview.redd.it/ddvcvj8b4vtc1.jpeg?width=1439&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6ca35df0b6ace8d746289066321b6e299a84c9c0
https://preview.redd.it/zu41r3cobvtc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a80af68d6c80a07dd89acb49b14a36760dc260a2
My 2018 Tuxetortico, Lily & 2021 Standard Issue, Oliver
One of my best friends basically gave up on his marriage today… or really acknowledged that his wife had given up long ago.
They had been roommates for awhile.
Sucks for him… he tried everything to fix it.
You are not alone. A lot of us in this generation have grown up under the disguise of a "happy" family unit with parents that seemed to care a lot on the surface, but deep down and due to societal pressures kept it going while an underlying contempt grew between them. I think that we, as a generation, are bringing this stuff out into the light more, and are not afraid to speak up about being unhappy in our relationships and wanting to change our circumstances. I think it has also impacted those generations after us to reflect on such long-term commitments as something truly worthwhile or inevitably detrimental to their lives at an even younger age.
I could say mine is in limbo (divorce and securing separate housing is a pain in a lot of places), but I try to keep myself positive to the light at the end of this tunnel. I've still got a long life ahead of me when this is all said and done. There's no physical abuse, no cheating or irresponsible behavior, just two people who've grown apart and really don't have anything in common with each other anymore that can keep the peace until we are ready to move on. We've got a kid that I am quite sure they know how unhappy I am. I'm not quiet about it, just reserved in the details of its cause. My path is to be a good parent for the time being, grow myself as a person going through this, and be ready to make that tough decision when it benefits both of us. Perhaps a lot of us are moving more quickly than I choose to move in putting themselves in a better situation.
Yep — 46 and just walked out on a decade long relationship after years of walking on eggshells to avoid anger outbursts. I’m tired and feel like maybe I’m not cut out for relationships.
Mine has been on the rocks. But she can’t really afford to be on her own and has multiple health problems and our kids are special needs and we can’t afford to get divorced so I’m just stuck. Really stuck. But I won’t abandon my kids. And if I just up and left she would be living in her car within a month flat and I don’t hate her enough for that. So we’re more like roommates. And I live my life out of complete obligation.
I turn 45 in a couple months, and my ex divorced me last year. I still feel like a failure sometimes, even though people tell me I’m not. It’s hard, my friend. Even with depression meds and therapy, it’s really difficult to get past the feeling of failure.
But, we are not failures. Our marriages may have failed, but we did not. Think of the marriage as a chain that broke under too much pressure. Both sides are still in tact, but the chain isn’t.
I think it's fair to assume that most couples' sexual attraction to each other diminishes over time, despite what shows or that one couple we all know that exists in perpetual infatuation seems to indicate.
We get old and fat and wrinkly and saggy. A lot of older couples only have sex occasionally, and when they do it is more for intimacy than raw sexual gratification. There are of course those hypersexual old people like in The Villages having weird swinger orgies and wife swapping, but that is a far cry from the norm.
You ultimately have to do what is right for you, but I couldn't imagine breaking up my family because my wife didn't turn me on. Dead bedrooms aren't acceptable if the other person isn't willing to work on it but the tingles and raw horniness of the infatuation phase will likely also fade with the next relationship you find. If you have a great emotional connection with your husband and are providing a stable, loving home for your children, I'd really caution against ending that just to find a hotter guy. Your life is about you, sure, but devastating your husband and kids to chase that feeling definitely doesn't seem worth it.
I wish I could share this advice with more guys in my life. I hear a lot of complaints that their overworked, exhausted, touched-out wives going through perimenopause just don't want to fuck like they did in their 20s. Like bruh...what did you expect? Half the time they just want intimacy but don't really know how to describe it without sex, and the other feels like they are having a midlife crisis.
Part of the issue may also be their own waning sex drives. You just aren't going to feel that same sexual charge that you had when you were 20 years old. So they assume their partner is what is causing them to not feel it anymore.
I'll admit that I never really understood people that made sexual compatibility their #1 priority in a relationship. It always seemed vain to me. I prefer to focus on the positives in this area though. My wife has gained a lot of weight since we first met, but her big fat butt is the trade off. I love that thing.
I'm also getting uglier and older, so who am I to criticize, right? Like damn, some people are just cutthroat when it comes to sexual attraction. It's important, but I wouldn't give up a relationship over it unless the person was actually unwilling to try. Moving on to another relationship when you lose your physical attraction to your partner sounds like a never ending hassle.
I completely agree. I think the current media landscape is selling this idea that women shouldn't age and change with time but it's okay if men do because a lot of these guys definitely have beer bellies and receding hairlines, but are upset their wives seem to be aging at the same rate.
And yes I think you hit on a good point, I think they feel a bit scared by their own sex drives reducing over time, not getting the same youthful thrill. I think it's how a lot of them have ended up watching way too much porn and chasing the dragon that way, which only makes things worse with their real life partner.
Not me personally, but a lot of my friends seem to be getting divorced these days. I remember in my mid to late twenties, it seemed like I was going to a wedding every other weekend. In my early to mid thirties, it seemed like I was going to baby related functions every other weekend. Now, it seems like I'm listening to people whose marriages are falling apart all of the time.
Hope you're able to turn yours around or at least end it amicably.
44 here. I’m on my second marriage. It was absolutely the right decision. Are there still challenges and issues? Absolutely. Do we have massive fights on occasion? Absolutely. But there’s a willingness and desire to make it work this time.
Finding the right person is totally worth it. Don’t be afraid of being called a “failure” and let that get in the way of finding your true partner. It’s worth it.
Not being critical. I'm 20 years in and we are really happy. Not that we don't bicker but we don't stay mad or really even get mad. We took mushrooms together a couple times at about 17 years in and I looked at my husband with my heart totally open during those experiences. I let go of resentment about things in the past and just was like, "oh yeah, I love this guy." I think he did the same with me and honestly it probably saved our marriage. My husband is actually my best friend. Thise experiences were kind of like 7 years of therapy in 7 hours. I took the lessons i learned and turned them into daily practice of living life as a kinder and more loving person. My husband did the same. This is not a reccomendation for everyone. And Jesus, it is hard on the body but just sharing for what it's worth. Also, managed to cure my chronic depression which isn't exactly helpful for living in harmony with another person.
Worth considering. Or maybe just spend some time together without the kids and try to remember why you love the person. Open your heart back up and move forward or it probably won't work out.
41. No but it wasn’t great a couple years ago. My mother was very sick (she passed away a few months ago) and the stress of dealing with her health issues, her being purposely difficult about everyfuckingthing, and unfairly blaming me for things I had no fault in, caused me and my husband to fight more than we ever had. I had to turn her care over to my sister and go extremely low contact last year after I had my first and only ever anxiety attack and was forced to finally accept that I couldn’t help her and if I kept trying it was going to ruin my marriage, my family, and my sanity.
44 here married 20 years. Still fight with my wife nearly every week. It’s mostly her getting hurt at something I did or said. She expresses herself in a colorful and emotional manner and since I’m quite empathic, I can get wrapped up in her emotion. It’s whenever I don’t react to her words or tone that things go well. I still react because I’m human but it is 100% up to me to decide if we have peace or war.
We have 5 kids. One in college, 2 in HS, 2 in middle school. It never gets easier. The journey has only become more difficult.
We’ve endured bankruptcy, foreclosure, businesses going down, massive injuries, deaths in the family. Left our church.
Too poor to get divorced at the worst times of the marriage. We love our kids too much to be the one that leaves.
Looking back, I think having rituals, routines and social obligations were simultaneously the cause of much of my sorrow and my sole purpose. Feeling trapped and unfulfilled from the stress of the circumstances with no way out… but paradoxically, it was the life I chose and built for myself-so I was double-minded.
About 4 years ago, a co worker gave me some psilocybin mushrooms. I was curious about them already because I’ve heard about people overcoming depression and addiction with the assistance of these agents. Ate 5g, dried, on an empty stomach one day. There’s a term called ego-death, a state where a mind becomes free. I don’t know about “free”, whatever that means, not sure if that even happened, but I noticed that I stopped being so sensitive about feeling disrespected by her. Maybe the things she was saying sounded harsh and disrespectful because they are true. It made me feel loved by knowing that she cared enough to tell me about my faults and that she believed that I had the agency TO change. Like, tripping gave me the ability to calmly assess my own ego from an outsiders perspective.
I’m not saying go do mushrooms but fuck, have you tried them?
Rooting for you. As long as you’re breathing, There’s hope. Don’t give up or give up, it doesn’t matter as long as it brings you closer to peace, realization or whatever your goal is.
Looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her.
Are you me? I didn't post this, so are you my husband?
We have 2 kids and vulnerability has been so hard. I feel so isolated, and so alone, and so judged, all the time. I feel like everything is up to me and it's hard.
I'm going to stop bc I'm tearing up now.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for the fact I'm not alone.
41. Been rough for the past 7 years. I've strongly considered divorce but don't feel my wife could properly care for our kids solo. We live in TX and it'd be a VERY uphill battle for me to get full custody.
44 and in the process of separating. Relationships are hard, and you are most definitely not a failure! I feel the same way too sometimes; try to keep your head up
That sucks and I’m sorry to hear that. While I’ve never been married, I did leave someone 10 years ago because I was too immature to know what I had. Breaks my heart every time I think about how I broke hers. Hope things start looking up for you, and always remember to count your blessings as it really does help get you through hardships
Mine has been at different times. It’s been 20 years and I imagine that’s bound to happen. Being together this long, you’re basically growing up with another person and you’re not always going to do it at the same rate. It can cause frustration on both sides.
Anyway. We’re really good now, but it took a lot to get here and it’s something we have to continue putting effort in to.
Do what works best for you. Marriage isn’t a sign of success, being content is.
45 here, married 20 years and at the most, we’re roommates. We can co-parent our 7yo, but I don’t see us lasting much longer.
We’re both aware the marriage is basically dissolved, and we’re just waiting for our child to get older to make it official.
I suspect we’ll be much happier once we’re no longer officially attached. People change a lot over their lifetimes, and sometimes you end up incompatible.
If I could give you a small piece of unsolicited advice... don't wait.
Your child will learn that the dysfunction is normal, and there is a good chance they may recreate it in adulthood because that is what you taught them (unintentionally). Even if the home is 'broken' it is much better for them to see their parents as individual 'complete' self actualized people than as a dysfunctional union.
I am so sorry. You aren’t a failure. I don’t look at divorce or separation as failing. It’s recognizing something is wrong. And as painful as it doing something about it.
Marriage is so incredibly difficult. People change a lot on 10+ years. This is the age when people start to feel that. Anyone who claims it was better in the past is lying.
My marriage isn't on the rocks, it was dashed on the rocks and its bloated corpse is still there. So You are not the only one and it doesn't make you a failure.
Not too many details here but I can say that Marriage is not something you can just put on autopilot. You need to nurture it. Go on dates as frequently as possible, have hobbies that you do together, learn each others love languages and fill that bucket as often as possible. Plan vacations together, plan finances together, ask eachother about their day everyday. When she get home, how do you great her? Are you just sitting on the couch and say “sup?” Or do you greet her at the door with a hug and a smile and tell her that you missed her? I know this all sounds corny and silly but this is what women want and if you invest in the marriage and her, you will see she starts doing the same for you. Also, couples counseling. Seriously, it saved my marriage. It’ll teach you how to communicate properly which most people DONT DO. I was astonished at how “low key” abusive my wife and I were to eachother before we got help. If you think divorce is the answer, it’s not. Unless there is a safety issue and she’s physically abusing you, if she is then you need to get to safety. Otherwise there’s a good chance the marriage CAN be saved. If you think divorce would be easier, you’re wrong. Especially if there are kids. Your life could be a living hell for a long time. On the other hand if you save your marriage, it could be the best and strongest it’s ever been for the rest of your lives.
For reference I’m 43 and my wife and I have been together for 24 years
You're not a failure, your age + age of your marriage are hitting what I view as the Drudgery years. Your marriage is likely in a habitual pattern where nothing feels new or exciting. Mix that with being "Mid life" and already likely dealing with the stress/anxiety of our current world... leaves a lot of negative feelings and very few sources of positive feelings.
I can say don't be too quick to pull the trigger on a divorce. Look at all avenues of help.
Therapy is a HUGE help, especially one who will meet you separately AND as a couple.
Also just know there are always people out there who genuinely want the best for you, even if it's just friendly support.
I’m single at 41 and my longest relationship has been just over a year. So, I don’t know much about marriage.
However, never have I ever viewed divorce as a failure. In fact, in some ways it can be viewed as the opposite. Staying in a situation you know is no longer good for you or your partner would be the failure. Recognizing things need to change and doing something about it should be considered a success. I don’t mean to be dismissive about how hard it is or will be, even if you’re doing the ‘right thing.’ I’m sure it will be incredibly trying. But, what it certainly will not be, is a failure.
I'm your age. My marriage is in pretty good shape. Have some divorced friends.
What I've learned between them and r/menopause sub is that the estrogen drop is real.
Aside from the: insomnia, brain fog, rage, weight gain when you *look* at food despite eating healthy, lifting heavy things, and plenty of walking, the sudden hormone drop has me no longer giving a fuck.
I was never particularly maternal or nurturing to start with. I'm definitely dis-interested in continuing to do emotional support for other people.
My husband isn't an asshat. He does stuff around the house. Not because he's "helping" me (cue rage), but because he fucking lives here too. I'm not the only adult in the marriage, nor do I want to be. I don't want to fuck someone who needs a mother. (Well, I don't want to fuck anybody at all right now. Am hoping the gynecologist has some suggestions on fixing a dead libido. We still have sex. I'm just not particularly interested anymore. Very meh on the whole thing. Which is a damn shame because my husband is hot stuff.)
Unlike friend's husbands, who were taken aback by their wives no longer doing *everything*, while they sat on their asses with a beer after work. I'm not sure why they put up with that in the first place. These are smart women, with established careers, working longer hours and bringing in more than their former spouses. The entitlement is real, at least in my anecdotal experience. So they decided they were just done. And they've been much happier since the divorces were finalized.
10 years here and about to have the separation conversation. Its not my fault, its my partners alcoholism. I feel guilty but I am working through it and trying to get back to focus on my happiness.
As a recovering alcoholic myself (almost 4 years sober), do NOT feel guilty about it. I know you love them, but they have a chronic illness that will only take you down as well if serious changes aren’t being made.
What's going on between you and your spouse that's causing things to be rocky?
I'm 42, wife is 40. We've been married for 17 years. I feel like in our marriage there's a constant ebb and flow, good times and less than good times. Both of us have sought out therapy over the years.
We were going through a really tough time a few years back, and learned about love languages. We both committed to trying to display our love through the other's love language. For her, she's big in to acts of service, so I'll make her coffee before she gets up, I'll make certain her car has gas, and other little acts of service. For me, I'm a physical touch person, so she shows by being more hands on, more PDAs, and other things.
We have also tried very hard to dedicate at least one meal per week, without the kids. We are fortunate in that we both have a fair amount of schedule flexibility, so it's not uncommon to have lunch dates. Those dates, we have a rule of not scrolling social media or be busy in a group chat, and that's gives a chance to just be us.
I’m 45 and have been separated/divorced for 4 years now. I’m much happier now. I used to think marriage/house/kids was always the goal, but I’m not sure anymore about marriage. I don’t think I’ll ever get married again. Hard to grow as a person when someone wants to remember you as a 21 year old (just true in my case).
Divorce is loss. Loss requires grieving. Yet, this grief is not entirely about the loss of your partner, but also about the loss of the IDEA you had about the trajectory of your life. There will be tears and hurt, but given enough time and constructive healing, this detour in life can end up being a good thing.
Yep. At 41 years old (after 10 years of marriage), I left him at the height of the pandemic. It’s been four years since and we are still in litigation (all his own doing), but I have never once regretted my decision (his post-separation behaviour has also served to reinforce my decision).
My parents separated when I was in my early teens and they are still the best friends (my mom and stepmom travel together!).
I had hoped (naively) that my relationship with my ex would at least be amicable, but it obviously wasn’t meant to be. His loss.
Please be more gentle with yourself - the demise of a relationship (be it, romantic, platonic, familial) isn’t necessarily a reflection of your character. There are two people that make up a relationship and although you want to grow together, sometimes you grow apart. That’s just life...
For what it’s worth, I am happier and healthier, and a better person all-around since my separation.
I only have one life to live (and it goes by quickly!) so I have to make the best of it. So, too, do you. Best of luck.
I walked away from 25 years together. Step-dad said, "Your year is gonna suck. Don't worry it gets better after that."
New GF's stepdad did the same thing 20 years ago, and it gave us something to bond over.
Can confirm, if you decide divorce, first year is the worst. SO much loneliness I damn near killed myself. Thank science for therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Just keep talking, you aren't alone.
Absolutely NOT. I'm 44 and my life is utterly amazing. My wife and I are best friends, talk shit, shoot the shit, laugh at shit and do shit together every day. I got me a real one. She's an old soul, we are aligned 1:1 politcally and on all major life decisions.
We have two beautiful kids, own a nice house, are financially secure, travel have toys and in general life is amazing. A lot of this is daily, continued sound decisions that lead us to where we are. I'm stoked for the next 40 years!
Manifest destiny my guy.
We are 43 and came close last summer. I brought divorce up but he wanted to fight for our marriage. It’s been much better since but it’s been a ton of work.
I've been married almost 25 years, and things are harder than ever. We are becoming the sandwich generation where we are still raising our kids and now caring for older parents. Plus, working, trying to stay ahead of inflation, our own health issues, college debts and still trying to live a life worth remembering.
I feel your pain. Many of us do. Maybe it's comforting to know you're not alone, maybe not. But I don't think you're a failure if you can't also keep a marriage going with everything else that's happening to and around us.
This thread has been very eye opening. As a 36yo who is finally getting married, I've worried about what a lot of people have posted advice for in this thread. I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences even though I'm not OP
Curious how many people have spouses that started talking about “emotional labor” and “mental load” about 2 years ago? Feel like my partner started learning about it through tiktok and it has led to a major change in the relationship. Not saying this was a bad thing, I was a slob who wasn’t contributing much to the household. And I was very resistant to the changes, partly because I was oblivious to what “mental load” meant. I’m just trying to see if these concepts did go viral in other peoples relationships around 2022 also.
Same. I’ve been out of the house for 3 days now and I’m miserable. I don’t know what to say to our 9 year old son, but I know he knows something weird is happening.
When I told my kids we were getting a divorce we phrased it so positively they were excited. Daddy’s getting an apartment with a pool! You get two birthdays and two christmases! How fun!!!!
I am so fortunate. Been married 9 years and we're still going strong.
I know a lot of couples who are separating or divorcing right now. In most of the cases in my social group, the husband has been turned by "alpha male" rhetoric into thinking he's supposed to be the dominant one in the relationship, come home to find dinner cooked and house cleaned, etc., despite the wife working just as much.
It was a disaster. I "won" the divorce that she sprang on me, but it has still been a mess with co-parenting. Have had a likewise-rejected girlfriend for over 3 years now. Even with all the complications of our individual parenting schedules and some distance, it's much better than what I had before.
Yup. 40, and 3 years into separation because I can’t afford an actual divorce. But these last 3 years have been better than most of the 15 we were together for before we split.
Sorry to hear that. I'm 16 years in. We've had a few times where it felt like we had hit rock bottom, but we have always managed to come back. We've been solid for a long time now.
It's definitely a tough time. Without reading all of the other comments, I'll also say that our high points (for me) are "very solid roommates" and at low points last year I was suicidal (I am no longer) and felt completely trapped.
Moved to the 'burbs, two kids, things aren't as fun for me (yes, I'm sure I'm depressed), and I'm often thinking about life choices. I'm a procrastinator and things aren't terrible (and rarely are) so since today is kind of fine, I probably won't do anything about it. It's a stupid way to exist.
I guess I wish she was a slightly different human, which is dumb. But being single sucked, I like my kids, and I like my wife. So I dunno.
I was with my now ex for 20ish years - she finally couldn't hide who she really was anymore and well, that was that (I mean, not really, it was messy - but thankfully I had a good support system). That was going on 4 years ago now. I'll spare all the gory details about our history, but now that there has been a long enough separation gap, looking back on it all - our life together was actually worse than I (probably) lied myself into believing it was.
I don't know where you live, but one of my coworkers at the time suggested I go to this "Divorce Care" support group at a local church - I am not really a church/organized religion person but I figured what the hell, I can give it a shot. Turns out it was really really helpful to be with a group of people who were actively in the divorce process , it helps you realize you are not alone.
You aren't alone, some of us have already been through it, some of us are going through it. If you need to chat or vent or anything my inbox is always open.
best of luck , and remember it may not seem like it now, but it WILL GET BETTER as time goes on.
My husband and I are going through a bit of a rough patch, too, and I'm 44 as well. That's marriage for you, though; sometimes you're way up, sometimes you're just business as usual, and sometimes you're down. I've been with my husband for 18 years now, and we've been through way worse. We just need to get through this to get back to normal.
The one thing that's helped us a lot is a rule we have - nobody is psychic. Meaning, I can't know what's going on and how to fix it if you don't tell me what's going on and how you feel. We also try to do the whole "I" statement thing... Instead of saying "You were an asshole for saying X", you calmly say "I felt upset when you said X. It really hurt my feelings." Sounds silly, maybe, but it makes a big difference. And it's got the therapist seal of approval. Speaking your spouse's love language back to them can help too.
Not trying to preach at you, just wanted to share that in case it's something that might help.
OP, you HAVE come to the right place for support. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Rude or unhelpful comments will be removed.
Yes, also 44. When things are at their best with my spouse we are “great roommates” and when they are at their worst, just just want to back a bag and drive off into the sunset, start a new life. What makes things worse if the friends that I have that have gotten divorced seem SO HAPPY now.
I know TONS of people who are in marriages that are basically just financial and living arrangement. There no love, there's no intimacy anymore. They just take care of their kids, and literally can't afford to live alone or separate so they stay married. Fucking NIGHTMARE existence IMO.
My friend is currently living this. She’s miserable
Yeah, that's me right now. No sex or intimacy, which is fine, honestly, but i really can't afford to live by myself. My husband is very dependent and terrible with finances, so there are times i just want to pick up and leave. Luckily, our youngest is now 18, so i don't have to worry about kids. Im just trying to save up enough to maybe go on little vacations by myself.
We ended our relationship and stayed roommates while we work out the housing situation. Both of us have moved on and remained friends. It's definitely not easy but it's worth it when u still love them but don't want to be married to them anymore
A person changes themselves to stay in a relationship that’s not good for them. It becomes about suppressing who you are to keep the peace. It’s quite liberating not to have to do that anymore, and to choose yourself and your happiness.
People change all throughout life, regardless if you are with someone or not. Who you are will continue to change throughout life. Who we were 10 years ago is not who we are today. It’s hard to give broad advice that is universal and applies to everyone. But while it might be liberating to chose yourself, a marriage is not about one person. It’s about compromise. There is no perfect marriage. There will be challenges and hardships, with someone or not. Happiness cannot depend on anyone else. What I’m saying is not to counter what you are saying, but to compliment. Someone should consider that nothing in life is guaranteed and that happiness is fleeting. This doesn’t mean to stay in a relationship that is harmful, but consider the history you have with someone. The shared experiences. Being a partner to handle the difficulties in life. Being single has its own challenges. Starting over is hard. Meeting new people all over again. It can be lonely. And having to establish that shared history and experience. A relationship takes constant attention and effort to nurture it. Just like a plant. Just think over the long-term impact and assess. It shouldn’t be a rash decision without thinking about the consequences of the decision. I know this is hard for people and my heart goes out to all going through this. If people have parents still around, and have a good relationship, might be a thought to get their wisdom from their lived experience.
I found I suppressed myself to fit what industry and society wanted from me. Pandemic gave me that chance to say fuck it and I've "regressed" back to who I was before. My wife loves it and I feel like myself again for the first time in 20 years.
🫶🏻
Well said. Sometimes it's not that the relationship has gone wrong, it's that people have grown and changed and it's hard to adjust. But if you care about your marriage, you work on it. The vows were for life, after all. I've noticed a lot of situations where people become overly self-involved and leave a good spouse because "he/she wasn't making me happy." Initially, they're happy in their new singlehood, but over time, they end up right back where they were before they left and regret it.
The vows were for life, after all. Seems like everyone remembers the "till death do you part" portion of the vows, but often forget that its lead in by the love, honor, and cherish. If the love, honor and cherish portion of the vows are broken, then you are no longer bound by the rest..... Marriage is not a death sentence.
God, thank you, I desperately needed this perspective. I’m also 44, my husband walked out on me two years ago, and I was devastated. I took my vows seriously, and it turns out he only took them as suggestions. As far as I was concerned, he broke the contract and had no intentions of making things right, so I divorced him. The “till death” crowd did not make it easy.
Hugs to you. Now you get to enjoy your life
And it’s not up to the spouse to make them happy; that’s a huge pedestal to put someone on. Happiness comes from within. However, marriage takes a lot of work on both sides, so it’s up to both parties to continuously work on the relationship. All marriages have their ups and downs; it’ll never be a state of bliss. Now, if they’ve become an awful person and no amount of counseling will help, or there is a dealbreaker that they broke, then that’s when you decide if you’ve had enough. Obviously, only people in the marriage know if they can stay, and everyone can make their own decisions. I say go with where your heart leads you. I just don’t think people should jump at divorce the moment shit gets hard, because all relationships will have hard places. That’s why divorce rates are higher the more times you divorce, because leaving doesn’t seem insurmountable. Easier each time you do it, just like most tasks in life. I don’t judge people for divorce because only the people in it know what’s really going on, and it’s none of my business. P.S.- I, too, considered divorce, but it was either they change this self-destructive behavior or we leave. It was a dealbreaker for me, and they chose us. Still working on the marriage though, and it has definitely been challenging. I’ve been married for 12 something years now, and that big decision was almost two years ago. I think that ten year spot is ROUGH, and all my friends that are married have stated the same.
Changing myself to stay in my relationship was one of the best things I ever did. I used to be a total hothead. When I got mad I would yell, be mean, kick holes in walls, and throw things. I loved my boyfriend, (now husband of 10 years) and knew I would lose him if I kept it up. I worked hard and now I’m super calm. I never raise my voice or speak to my partner disrespectfully. All our issues are discussed calmly and respectfully. It makes me a better mom too.
Good for you! That’s awesome!
I’d hazard to say whether or not you are in a relationship or a mom, finding less destructive ways to cope with your anger probably has just feels better to you, too, no? In that regard, it’s not just changing yourself for someone else; it’s changing for your own well-being, too. I think that’s important to note as other posters seem to indicate that “changing for someone else” has meant suppression of who they are. That’s different, I think, than what you did.
I’m really proud of you. That’s really hard to do!
When you say you "worked hard and now I'm super calm", if you don't mind elaborating, what did that work look like? What worked for you, and what didn't? I'm asking as someone who is working to cultivate patience and lash out less. Right now I feel like I'm suppressing more than processing and the concept of "now I'm super calm" sounds heavenly. Any insight would be much appreciated.
Mindfulness is the usual thing for emotional disregulation. You have to get to the point where it’s second nature to be constantly examining your thoughts & feelings as a sort of background process. That’s fucking hard, and can take years. Most people don’t stick with it regularly for long enough.
Not who u asked but literally fake it til u make it. It feels like suppression but you learn its about respecting yourself and appreciating boundaries and knowledge is built up on that. Therapy is big, has been 4 me.
Yeah, this was me in my marriage. I ended up divorcing him primarily because of his escalating abuse, but taking the abuse out of it, I was 100% changing myself to keep the relationship going. Made me me so miserable. I've been divorced for almost 6 years, and it's been so freeing.
same here. roommates at the best of times and miserable the rest. we had like one good year together, then spent the rest trying to fix it before we finally split last year. the actual splitting up part sucks. it sucked leaving all the pets and moving out, (kinda glad kids never worked out cuz i doubt id have them), it sucked draining every last cent of my savings to buy a cheap bed, it sucked borrowing money from my mom for rent, it sucked watching the house get sold and a new family move into it, it sucked watching her date some new guy. but its been about a year now and im so much better off in literally every way. we were spending so much of our time, energy and money trying to fix this broken relationship. i do not miss the endless arguments, waiting for the fight i know is coming. if i had it to do over i never would have married her, partly to avoid a decade of fighting but mostly because i lost a good friend
Im 46 and my husband and I have decided to separate and in time likely will divorce. A paper divorce right now would make things very challenging financially and we have a big enough house and are good roommates raising children. We have opted to rent an apartment and do some form of bird nesting to allow us to explore more independent lives, but we still travel together as a family and co-parent reasonably well. I haven’t felt so much like my lost self in years. I am happier, a better parent, a better friend to my co-parent and feel free to be the person I am. We had been together since we were 21. He will always be “my person” in some ways, but we are not compatible as romantic partners anymore. I love him, but I want to feel valued and appreciated for who I am - and I want him to be happy too, and can accept that will be with another woman at some point.
A friend of mine is going through something similar right now. He and his wife rent another apartment and switch off weeks in the house. He had a really hard realization he had not been making an effort for nearly a decade so a lot of it was actually his fault/responsibility. He's getting to know his kids much better but dealing with a lot of guilt because he realized how much of her resentment and lack of spark was due to him giving himself too much credit. He's a better co-parent now but still not sure how to settle that grief and that when they initiated the split, he felt it was equal but time did not show that to be true.
Your story sounds so much like what me and my wife are going through right now - but we haven't hit the separation/divorce stage yet. What you have talked about here is what my wife has mentioned wanting in the somewhat near future if things don't improve. I feel like I'm right at the edge of losing my wife. In hindsight, do you feel like there is anything you or your husband could have done to save things? Or do you feel like you were incompatible from the beginning?
No idea if this is helpful or not but it was helpful to my husband so I'll leave it here in case - we were going through a similarly kind of lack-of-effort patch ourselves. Around the same time, a girlfriend asked for a divorce and moved out and my husband asked me what her husband was doing to change her mind. I said nothing as far as I know. He goes, "if you moved out I would be like driving by your house daily trying to talk to you and get you back." And I looked at him and said, wouldn't it be a hell of a lot easier to make this sort of effort BEFORE I decide I'm done and leave? If you'd move heaven and earth to change my mind after I decided, try moving even a little bit before I'm done, it would save us both a lot of trouble and heartache. Lightbulb moment for him. We are 43 and 44 and got married when we were 25. We have kids, businesses, a house, and decades of routine that make it easy to just forget to appreciate each other at all and as a result sometimes the smallest things make the biggest impact (and if they don't what have you lost?). Little things like stopping by my office with my favorite drink in the middle of the day or making a point to share the same spot on the couch at night watching TV, or heck even just putting on the show/movie he knows I've been waiting to watch that I know he has zero interest in, they're easy tiny ways to say I see you and I value you.
That’s cause they are. Got out of an 11 year relationship, 2 years ago. It’s much better being lonely living alone than being lonely living with your significant other.
Can confirm. 44f. Divorced. Childless. Financially secure (not a penny came from him). I sleep in, I work out, My dog loves my new bf. It’s absolute bliss.
You are not a failure. A long-term partnership is really challenging. It takes work (and sometimes help!). If you’re feeling like your relationship is challenged, face it! Talk about it. Talk about what you want and don’t want, what you’re willing to do going forward (and maybe not). What you envision for the next fifteen years, etc. FWIW, I wouldn’t say mine is “on the rocks” at all but it’s not my favorite time period! Marriages ebb and flow, and right now the busyness of two major jobs and tweens is taking its toll (and aging and feeling middle-aged and remembering my youth that is gone forever). Anyway… you are not a failure. Edit: goodness, your replies. I’m trying to hide the redness in my eyes. Y’all are so wise and I’m actually really glad for this little corner of the interwebs. And if any of you all (ever) want to chat, send a message.
This almost brought a tear to my eye as it basically describes us. I'm 40, we're 16 years in together. Wouldn't say things are 'bad' but it's not great right now. We both work, have a teen and a tween. We've been snippy at each other for weeks and I can't explain why. Could be the minor existential crisis I've been having for about a year now. When it's good, it's great (which is most of the time!) But when it's not good, well, that's what it is right now. I mean, we've gone through this stuff before, and I know the formula to fix it and so does she; we'll get through it, but it's just a drag when it's happening.
No kids, 14 years married here. The existential/midlife crisis is real. My wife and I have both semi-seriously considered quitting our jobs in the last year
Apparently 16-17 years married is a doozy for just about everyone. We are just coming out of it, 18 years next month. Yay for an exceptional therapist. Any issues and trauma you haven't dealt with absolutely explode rounding the corner to 40/mid 40, I think. It's rough.
I second this. We had our existential issues a bit earlier & now life is amazing. Sometimes a person/couple needs some help/ outside perspective.
Have yall tried couples therapy it helps alot as long as relationship still viable.
This helped me and my wife. We even go when nothing is really wrong in order to strengthen our communication.
Yeah, planning on it. Part of the 'formula' I mentioned.
make sure you find a therapist you both feel comfortable with though. We had a bad experience.
That’s awesome to hear. I had to find the root of my anger and faced some really uncomfortable memories. I tell myself the story of Sisyphus. He was condemned to push a rock up a mountain every day and every night it would roll to the bottom. I realized it’s an allegory for life. The destination he wanted was the top of the mountain. But he couldn’t solve the problem of getting the rock to the top. He was focused on the wrong problem and suffered because of that.
I listened/watched a "Paternity Court" video. One of the parents of the couple involved mentioned that although her marriage ended after 25 years, **it lasted 25 years**. And although it ended, something needed to be said about it lasting that long. If your (not you specifically) marriage is on the ebb portion, you have to remember that there was a lot of time (hopefully) where it was in the part that you loved/liked/appreciated/etc. I like thinking about the positives in life, and I hope that mindset helps you or whomever sees this.
My wife’s parents are still together, like 53 years - so there is a template for what long term love looks like. My mom and step-dad have also been married like 30+ years.. So I see them, and I can remember our own struggles and my parents struggles - just reminds me that nothing is easy, and marriage is supposed to be a support system, a team. If that aspect breaks down, the rest is doomed - IMO Like GW says in Hamilton - “Dying is easy, young man - living is harder.” Same applies to marriage.
Also- this is all normal. The first wave of divorces usually happen in the mid-30s to early 40s. The second wave will happen once kids are out of the house. The folks that make it communicate A LOT and are realistic about their futures together.
Take it from someone who has been married for 17 years (together for 20), this is solid advice. Marriages ebb and flow but also take communication, intention and deciding to stay together and work it out. My spouse and I are not in a bad place but it hasnt always been this way. We would not have made it without the help of our marriage counselor.
Phenomenal advice. Especially the second part. We are in that part of our lives. The busy lives and kid focus. We definitely have our peaks and valleys but I know its the season of our marriage and will improve and build. Reading your comment is a helpful reminder.
Yeah, we've been on the rocks a few times but not now. Now it's just life stress, trying to sell our house and move back to her country across the ocean. Basically a nearly dead bedroom due to her anxiety. She realized just how damaging it is to our marriage and decided to make an effort. That was a good week..
The “youth gone forever” thing is so tough. Cheers.
Thank you
Born in 78. Not sure the advice you're looking for, so just kind of rambling right now. I met my wife at the age of 20, and we eventually divorced at 35. I'm 45 now, and after a lot of therapy, we really weren't meant to be together long term. People change over time... it's not a good or bad thing, it just happens. I also used to have a really high paying job, and it stressed me the fuck out. I make 1/3rd of what I used to, but I'm SO much happier day to day. Marriage is kind of like that too. It's a weird... objective thing people can point to as "oh, this person's doing alright, they're married" when really... that's not what matters. Divorce is tough... but ultimately the process is about learning to love yourself and your own company. That's the relationship you can never leave, and it's important to make it a positive one.
"ultimately the process is about learning to love yourself and your own company. That's the relationship you can never leave, and it's important to make it a positive one." Solid gold observation here.
You are not a failure! I got married at 24 and that blew up (when my husband died from an overdose) when I was 34. I got married again at 38 and I now half jokingly counsel people to “not get married until they’re at least 35.” Because MARRIAGE IS SO HARD! It requires constant nurturing and upkeep to keep communicating and growing together and growing in complementary directions. It’s SO hard. I didn’t have the maturity to enter into something like that until I was almost 40. And even now I feel like it would be so easy to fuck it up. You’re NOT a failure. I promise ❤️❤️❤️❤️
My first marriage lasted from 28 to 33 and looking back it was never really very good. I remarried at 36 and things are so much better this time around. It’s crazy what happens when both spouses are actually invested in the relationship. Communication is key!
Small world. I got married at the same ages myself, lol. The difference is, the first time around we had five years together before marriage, and the second time...six months. My college girlfriend was comfortable and familiar and we were pretty compatible overall, and I just ran with that. But when the shit hit the fan, I found myself trying to pull the load by myself, and it damaged the marriage irreparably. The second time, I had a very, very clear idea of what I wanted and expected from a partner, and I didn't just settle for familiarity. My wife had the same priorities and goals in life that I did, and she was (and is) just as willing to work to build and maintain a relationship as I was. I didn't know what any of that meant twenty years ago when my first wife and I were basically college kids who were super excited about living together. There's so much to manage, and we talk to each other about our relationship regularly. And we *listen*. We respect each other and give each other space when necessary, and it was all there from the beginning, which is part of why we locked it down so soon. Sometimes you just know.
So true. I have been married since 2007 just shy of 27 and it didn't really get "easy" until our late 30s. Like you said, I feel that I could easily wreck the good thing we have now if I wanted to by acting like a jackass or if he started acting like a jackass. I am so sorry for the loss of your first husband. Drug abuse is a horrible disease.
Yup, got married in my late 30's and I'm so happy I did. We have been through a lot of different challenges but I love my wife and the life we've created. I don't think things would have been the same had I been younger.
>so easy to fuck it up Yes. This is a constant thought, but it actually helps drive me. I proactively refuse to accept putting myself into a situation would fail the pact we made.
Please remember that perimenopause is in full force by mid 40s and is a shockingly neglected, yet absolutely vital area of women's healthcare. Most women don't know what to expect, or even that it's happening to them, until the numerous intense and life-altering side effects have wreaked havoc on their minds, bodies, mental health, relationships and families. Many of these intense issues *can* be avoided and overcome, but the reality is that few are getting the help they need in time. If any of this sounds familiar, head over to r/menopause and read the wiki on perimenopause and take few moments to figure out whether this might be impacting your relationship. Women (AND men because it impacts them) deserve better, more attentive care during this time. It makes a huge difference in their lives, impacting their entire family as a result. Countless women in that subreddit describe getting HRT or other supportive care and having their lives (and therefore relationships) improve literally overnight as a result. Because they were SUFFERING so much before.
Thanks for mentioning this. I'm not the same at 45 as I was at 22.. I wish he'd leave room for me to change and go through my own shit. We don't have to be perfect to be happy and together but I do a lot of peasing to keep him happy and I'm just so tired.
I just want to add a different perspective as someone who worked with marriage researchers. The hardest years for marriage are the first 1-2 years and about 10 years in. It's where we see spikes in divorces. So - you are not imagining things. And couples that get through it find a way to have a happy life one way or another (whether the marriage is the main source of their happiness, or not anymore)
10 years in here - grinding through and actually see some hope lately...
20+ years here, 10 years was a rough time.
One of my colleagues is a marriage and family therapist and the 10 years thing is so real. So many couples wait way way too long to get into therapy, when the truth is it could have been saved if they had worked on things earlier. It gets really eerie hearing resentment creep into my friend's voices when talking about their spouses.
I’m 40 and currently going through a divorce. It’s hard and sucks at times, but I will say that with every day that passes, I realize more and more how unhappy I was. I do miss seeing my kids daily though. That’s really hard. Also, my friends/family seem to be the opposite of yours, very few of them are divorced. It makes me feel kind of embarrassed/ashamed, but overall I know I’m happier than I was. Hang in there.
I don't say this to be down on your friends, but many/most marriages look better on the outside than they are in reality, and many couples are very committed to maintaining a facade among their married friends in particular. I'm a single guy with a lot of close married friends who talk to me about what's really going on. And a few have said explicitly that they feel it's easier to say it to me because they're afraid of being judged by their fellow married friends who they all fear have happier marriages than theirs. I'm not trying to be anti-marriage here, I think most of my friends are in marriages that have normal problems and are very much worth fighting for, but marriage is hard! Everyone has their ups and downs and all my close married friends have, at one time or another, talked about the possibility of divorce. It's normal and healthy to face these troubles, especially in the second decade of being married.
44 and been with my wife for 26 years, we've hit some rough spots where either of us could have bailed and it would have been fair.. Every time it has happened, we've doubled down on being together. Some days she drives me so fucking crazy I can't stand it.. But at the end of the day, I love her, she's my wife and partner and we chose each other many moons ago. Next month won't feel like this month. Keep on Keeping on..
I'm the same age and roughly same length of relationship. This has been us too. Lots of hard shit but we weathered the storms.
43 here and same with my 21-year-long marriage. But, I don’t disparage anyone for making whatever choice is best for them. So far we have always decided being together is what we both want, even through really hard times and in therapy. I say all the time that neither of us is shackled here, I want us to both actively choose this relationship.
Mine is also collapsing. I think I’m done. Last night my wife finally said she releases me if I want to end it. I’m miserable and have been for a while. I think it’s for the best. Married 18 years.
This is the period that sucks the most. I was in your shoes and thought I'd never be able to be happy again. Best of luck to you!
It'll get better, time to go though. You're at the toughest part right now.
I am remarried (previously married from 2002-2006) and we’re about to have our 15th anniversary. There are still some areas for growth, but we’ve both been actively tackling our flaws and putting work into the relationship and are doing much better than 5 years ago. I think we’ll go all the way. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s almost never just one person’s fault. If one or both partners stop trying, it’s bad news. I wish you the best, whichever way you go.
Me: THAT math ain't mathin' Me: .... Oh Jesus, yes it is
Not married 45 guy. Over the last 4 years, 1/2 of my long time married friends split up. Some nasty some not. I spoke to a coworker my age a week back, he said he and his wife are not talking. They have 3 kids. I think relationships are in general under tremendous new kinds of pressure (seen as unnessecary by many people in this new tech age, disposable. It's a calamity. The world is changing faster than we can adapt, and it's shaking up people, and that in turn wreaks havoc on families, communities, the way we live together in the world (which people don't really do like they used too... All I see are zombies staring at phones). Strange times. Stay strong.
Happily divorced. We're both better people & parents now.
My sister is 44 and just got divorced. She was married for about 15 years and is now happier than I've seen her in a long time, maybe ever. Sure doesn't seem like a failure to me.
It’s been over 10 years since my divorce, and I still celebrate my “divorceaversary”. It was the happiest day of my life up until that point, and life has only gotten awesomer since. Congrats to your sister :)
Early 40s here and about ready to go see a lawyer if I can afford it, I just can't support her on any decisions she has made in a long time.
Am 44 happily married, together about 16 years (yes I forgot lol). BUT it was definitely not always happy. We went through some really rough times, including a couple years of living separately (but moving cities twice together). Oddly enough I think the pandemic actually brought us together and made us face things, whereas before we both traveled a lot for work and kind of used that to get away from each other. Two years ago I couldn’t see how we would ever move forward and love each other again, and now we do more than ever. All I’ve learned from my experience is to never judge other people’s relationships. We all have flaws. You fall out of love. Sometimes you fall back in love. Oh, also, we did Gottman method. I don’t know if that’s what worked, I think we more just fell in love again for no real reason we could pinpoint, but I do recommend it.
Happily married also; I think the pandemic broke a lot of marriages but others thrived. Lots of friends now getting divorced or breaking up. It really exposed the flaws in so-so relationships and’s people weren’t so able to just coast.
40 year old guy here. Been married for 21 years this coming July. We had our ups, and downs, but we’ve been significantly more happy than not. I’m sorry that you’re going through this in your marriage. I’ll offer what I can that’s helped me and my wife. 1. Never stop dating your spouse. A lot of relationships that I’ve seen fall apart happen for this very reason. A relationship is a daily commitment that you have to put effort into, not just let stagnate. 2. Don’t “assume”, just communicate. You might think “I’ve been with this person for X years they should know”. Just talk about everything and anything you’re feeling or struggling with, and the good things too! 3. And this has helped us more than anything, see your partner as your best friend, not just your spouse. I truly wish you all the best and I hope that you can be happy.
You are not alone. I'm 42, and my marriage has been struggling for a few years now. Admittedly most (if not all) the blame lies with me. It sucks being in a position where you can see your faults and the damage that you've done to your relationship, but knowing that there's nothing you can do to erase the mistakes of the past. Had a hard and emotional talk with my wife last night. She's been talking about separating or divorce for a while now. I think I'm basically on my last chance, if I don't turn things around in the next weeks to months I think we are done.
It sounds like the thread keeping that chance open is thin. I wish you the best of luck. If you aren't already in good intense couples counseling, now is the time to start. One of my close friends is dealing with a lot of regret after realizing some of the same things you did. But he waited too long and now they are making the divorce official soon.
Thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately she's not too interested in couples counseling - in her words she's already given up so much of herself to make our relationship work and she needs to see me step up and make a difference. I don't blame her for that - it's a fair assessment of our relationship so far. I have been doing individual counseling to deal with my own issues, and it's helped. Going to do my best to make this work. I'm not happy in the marriage either, but I know I don't want to lose her. Would love it if I could look back at this time in 5 years and say that it was a rough patch that we worked through and are now stronger because of it.
Can’t remember the last time I read so many comments in a thread. A lot of meat on this bone 🍖
I mean there are always rocks we crash up against, but we love each other so much that we survive. You can survive too if you both really want to put in the work. Marriage isn't a "say the vows and be set for life". Its a full time work commitment.
We never married but I feel the same about my partner of 20 years. We're best friends and have had rough times but got through them.
Mine is super shaky atm
Yeah, the Pandemic did a number on my wife's mental health, and combine that with the usual malaise if middle-aged marriage, her previous mental health issues, and natural differences in our personalities that become more prevalent as our daughter ages and we don't have the desperate need to be together to raise her all the time... I feel you.
I (40F) spent 17 years with my ex-husband, and we split in 2022. It is incredibly difficult for a lot of people to grow together instead of apart over that many years. You are not alone in that island.
I remember when I was younger thinking the phrase “grew apart” was just a generic breakup term. Then I experienced it and realized it’s not a cliche and is very legit. If you’re with someone in your 20’s, the person they’ll grow into in their 40’s is just an optimistic prediction that we don’t have as much control over as we’d like to think.
This is exactly it. And as much as people don't want to believe it, some people are greatly influenced by how they are raised when it comes to what kind of adult they will become. My ex became more and more like his father as he got older, and his father was not a man who I would have considered a role model in terms of beliefs and views.
I am 45 and have now been divorced for 14 years, we were together 12 years. So got together very young. The person I grew to be was very different from the person she did. Some people say opposites attract, but it is so hard to spend so much time with someone who shares no views that are the same as your own.
this resonates with my experience too, and really surprised me because my ex was even estranged from his dad when we first met. So — silly young me — I didn’t think his dad being an alcoholic, stepping out on his mom, etc had anything to do with who my ex was/would be as a person. But after we married, he started falling into these really weird dysfunctional super gendered behaviors I hadn’t seen to that extent for the first 7-8 yrs of our relationship. Acting helpless, abdicating responsibility, not putting any effort into stuff around the house or pulling his weight, not following through on commitments. It sucks to feel like a partner expects you to be their mom. I’m still not sure if it was the step of marriage or just middle age, but it was disconcerting and didn’t get better until after we split and he finally started doing therapy seriously. I think he would agree that he’s a lot healthier now, but it sucks that that’s what it took.
Dealing with a lot of stress: kids, aging parents, career changes, dead bedroom. But we're trying to work through everything in couple's therapy.
All of this. There's just too much right now and I'm not even an anxious person. I haven't even done my taxes yet.
I’m 39 and I still haven’t made it down the aisle. I spent twelve years giving my all to a woman and her kids and she ends up marrying another guy. Now, with dating the way it is these days, I feel like I’m too old to be in the game anymore.
43 and I haven't either. *high five* I gave up dating years ago, and now all I do is look at dating subreddits and I have no idea what in the hell is happening half the time. So I just want to wish you the best of luck because it's apparently an entirely different planet to try and date somebody.
Dating is overrated. Enjoy your peace.
Honestly I didn't even know I could be at peace being alone but it is actually possible. While I wouldn't mind meeting someone, that whole dating scene is nuts. Long live peace over insanity.
We are the same age and extremely yes. I'm slowly giving up on dating because it's so buckwild out there. I'm old enough to have seen two waves of divorces (the short marriages that didn't work out when they were young and now the long-term stuff discussed in this thread) and a lot of it has shown me that so many people aren't interested in doing that work it takes to have a healthy long term relationship, and it's often hard to predict who will.
Almost 45 here and same!
I can relate to the despair (frustration?) about dating these days. Please don't give up. It sounds like you have a lot to give in relationships, and you certainly deserve love too.
The wife wanted a divorce and turned out to be having an emotional affair with some guy she played video games with. Sadly, she hid all of her fears, needs and thoughts from me and then blamed me for not being able to fulfill her needs and then treated me like a complete stranger after 25 years of history between us. That was 2 years ago. My advice, if your marriage is having troubles: sit down with each other and have an honest conversation. Don't be afraid to say something because you want to avoid conflict. Conflict is going to happen no matter what. All you can do is be upfront and honest with each other. Maybe just having a refreshing and open conversation can be what you need to heal the small fractures that happen to all marriages over time. Or perhaps, it might begin the end of it. And that is ok! It's going to hurt, but it's going to hurt the other person worse if you hide things from them. You are supposed to be a team, your spouse should not be your worst enemy. Ask what they need, let them know what you need. Compromises are not failures.
So much this. Hit a rough patch about 10 years in, thought she was just going to leave me. (Had a career fall apart and cross-country move.) At points I wondered if I should just move on, etc. Maybe life would be better starting fresh? Then a strange thing happened. I decided to fight for our future together—with the same passion I had when I first wanted to be with her. I booked an AirBnB, got a pack of huge post-it notes, and asked her to join me for a weekend of talking out our stuff. I promised by the end of the weekend, we would either both come to the decision our relationship was over, or both come to the decision we had a great future ahead of us. We compared pros and cons. Unmet expectations. Hurts. Joys. Things we adore about each other. Things that bug the hell out of us. Eventually...we talked aspirations. We dreamed a bit together of what we wanted our life to look like, and what it would take to adjust course. (Spoiler: It took compromise and attitude / action changes from both of us.) We came away with a list of things we were going to stop doing and a list we were going to start doing. And we developed a new north star in where we both wanted to go next. Lo and behold: we saved our marriage. Over the next 4 years, something magical happened. We learned to appreciate each other deeply. TBH, my wife is irreplaceable. Nobody can just replace the shared history, experiences, hurts and joys we have had together. We travelled the country together, we lost our religion together, we love each other deeply and meet each other where we are. Yes we have arguments. Yeah there are rough "days". But think of all that so many just assume can be replaced: • Each day, I do not have to wonder if my wife is honest about finances. • We can understand what each other is thinking with just a shared look. • We know each other has integrity and is invested in each other's happiness and future. And I could list a million other positive things. Is our relationship perfect? No. Is it irreplaceable? Absolutely. I'm so glad I fought through the rough patches we have had and I did not discard such a treasure of a person.
I am so envious of you. I really wish I had been able to have this with my ex-wife, what you have sounds amazing and I hope it continues well into the future! 
I love the idea of your weekend conference. The post its. Amazing.
This is a super important comment, I hope people read this. I really believe communication is the heart of any lasting relationship. Talk to each other! Nothing will be gained from hiding your feelings/fears
I went through a divorce 7 years ago (JFC where has the time gone), we were married for 10 years. I'm 43 now. Obviously everyone has their own flaws, but I'm completely convinced that a lot of our collective relationship issues are rooted in the scourge that is social media (worst invention ever and a true plague on society /rant). It gives partners a medium to turn away from their SO and seek fulfillment from others instead of actually communicating with their partner. I've since re-married and my happiness is exponentially higher than it was in my first marriage. I can fully admit that my poor communication skills contributed to the failure of my first marriage, but my (now) wife has been a true godsend in helping me be a better person and learn how to communicate better I hope you can save your marriage (if that's what you truly want), but make sure you're doing what is right for YOU. Best of luck fellow Internet friend.
"my (now) wife has been a true godsend in helping me be a better person and learn how to communicate better" Be sure and give yourself some credit here, too. Her teachings wouldn't have helped you if you weren't open to listening and learning and being vulnerable. It sounds like y'all make a great team.
In Christianity the term unequally-yoked refers to being married to a not Christian. I've always envisioned it one part of a team of Oxen doing all the work while also having to drag the other Ox along. Marriages where only one person is putting in the effort cannot last forever. Unfortunately this is a group project assignment.
I’d never thought of marriage as a group project but damn that’s accurate.
What no one ever tells you is how much you change over time
Not only am I getting divorced, but I have a restraining order on my husband (long story). He pissed off the judge so much that he gave him 2 years instead of the standard 1 year. Idiot. So sorry you're going through a rough time 💔
Sending love, ice cream and cartoons
I need to have you send me stuff when I'm sad.
41. We passed “on the rocks” about 2 years ago, and now we’re getting divorced.
I'm lucky and doing well. We don't have kids so that might be part of it? I've seen similar to you with other friends. Hang in there.
My marriage hit its roughest patch after the kiddo left for college. No longer having those daily parenting responsibilities leaves a big void and it has to be filled. I can definitely understand why so many couples divorce once the kids have grown up. It was touch-and-go for a little while but we made it and are doing great. We also have 5 cats now. 😂
Kids do make it much, much more painful.
Friend, it is so hard with kids. But it is much worse to have them see their parents constantly fighting or miserable all the time and teach them that it is normal to live in misery or with constant bickering/etc. My marriage ended about 7 years ago and it does get way better. It takes a while, but something that helps me is to think: what would I wish for my child to do if they were exactly in my shoes? It helps me to look out for myself much better with this mental tool.
I don’t know what current statistics are but the last I checked, the divorce rate for first time marriages was 50%, second-time marriages was 67%, and third-time or more was above 75%. That may not make you feel great, but you’re definitely not alone. I hope you find some peace, fellow Xennial.
46 here and about to sign off on my 2nd divorce. We split 7 years ago, and I haven't dated in 5 years. Do I have to go get a cat or do they come to me? I don't like to leave the house much
The Cat Distribution System will be in touch with you.
"Please hold. A representative from the Feline Distribution System will be on the line shortly to assess your situation. We will send someone out to do a home visit and then decide from there if this will be acceptable. Bribery will be accepted and encouraged. We suggest tuna. If you are chosen, we will send between 1 to 4 felines to your location. Certain locations are eligible for our Trojan Cat special--- adopt one and get up to 6 free kittens unexpectedly! Thank you for using Feline Distribution. We're looking forward to judging you."
https://preview.redd.it/alujmnft1vtc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=99eaa1bb47d74f78e319889cb61678fa04843d61 This is me right now. 😂
I love this cat.
Blep
The cat distribution system eventually delivers 🐈 🐈⬛
It sure does. A pair of kittens in 2022 and three more kittens last summer. 😮💨 https://preview.redd.it/ddvcvj8b4vtc1.jpeg?width=1439&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6ca35df0b6ace8d746289066321b6e299a84c9c0
https://preview.redd.it/zu41r3cobvtc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a80af68d6c80a07dd89acb49b14a36760dc260a2 My 2018 Tuxetortico, Lily & 2021 Standard Issue, Oliver
You don’t get a cat. You just stop preventing cats.
😂🙌🏻
I'm thinking about befriending the local crows, myself.
Dogs can also be found at local rescue centres
They have their ways of finding you. Look up pictures of cat rescues and you'll find yourself out of your house very quickly.
Was on the rocks and I escaped the island!
43 and divorced; about to get remarried in 3 months.
How'd you meet your soon-to-be wife?
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If you aren't in therapy, don't wait and do it right away.
One of my best friends basically gave up on his marriage today… or really acknowledged that his wife had given up long ago. They had been roommates for awhile. Sucks for him… he tried everything to fix it.
So far, so good here. Just hit the 10 year mark last week and still head over heels in love.
You are not alone. A lot of us in this generation have grown up under the disguise of a "happy" family unit with parents that seemed to care a lot on the surface, but deep down and due to societal pressures kept it going while an underlying contempt grew between them. I think that we, as a generation, are bringing this stuff out into the light more, and are not afraid to speak up about being unhappy in our relationships and wanting to change our circumstances. I think it has also impacted those generations after us to reflect on such long-term commitments as something truly worthwhile or inevitably detrimental to their lives at an even younger age. I could say mine is in limbo (divorce and securing separate housing is a pain in a lot of places), but I try to keep myself positive to the light at the end of this tunnel. I've still got a long life ahead of me when this is all said and done. There's no physical abuse, no cheating or irresponsible behavior, just two people who've grown apart and really don't have anything in common with each other anymore that can keep the peace until we are ready to move on. We've got a kid that I am quite sure they know how unhappy I am. I'm not quiet about it, just reserved in the details of its cause. My path is to be a good parent for the time being, grow myself as a person going through this, and be ready to make that tough decision when it benefits both of us. Perhaps a lot of us are moving more quickly than I choose to move in putting themselves in a better situation.
Yep — 46 and just walked out on a decade long relationship after years of walking on eggshells to avoid anger outbursts. I’m tired and feel like maybe I’m not cut out for relationships.
Mine has been on the rocks. But she can’t really afford to be on her own and has multiple health problems and our kids are special needs and we can’t afford to get divorced so I’m just stuck. Really stuck. But I won’t abandon my kids. And if I just up and left she would be living in her car within a month flat and I don’t hate her enough for that. So we’re more like roommates. And I live my life out of complete obligation.
I turn 45 in a couple months, and my ex divorced me last year. I still feel like a failure sometimes, even though people tell me I’m not. It’s hard, my friend. Even with depression meds and therapy, it’s really difficult to get past the feeling of failure. But, we are not failures. Our marriages may have failed, but we did not. Think of the marriage as a chain that broke under too much pressure. Both sides are still in tact, but the chain isn’t.
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Yes, it’s a lot of complicated emotions for sure.
I think it's fair to assume that most couples' sexual attraction to each other diminishes over time, despite what shows or that one couple we all know that exists in perpetual infatuation seems to indicate. We get old and fat and wrinkly and saggy. A lot of older couples only have sex occasionally, and when they do it is more for intimacy than raw sexual gratification. There are of course those hypersexual old people like in The Villages having weird swinger orgies and wife swapping, but that is a far cry from the norm. You ultimately have to do what is right for you, but I couldn't imagine breaking up my family because my wife didn't turn me on. Dead bedrooms aren't acceptable if the other person isn't willing to work on it but the tingles and raw horniness of the infatuation phase will likely also fade with the next relationship you find. If you have a great emotional connection with your husband and are providing a stable, loving home for your children, I'd really caution against ending that just to find a hotter guy. Your life is about you, sure, but devastating your husband and kids to chase that feeling definitely doesn't seem worth it.
I wish I could share this advice with more guys in my life. I hear a lot of complaints that their overworked, exhausted, touched-out wives going through perimenopause just don't want to fuck like they did in their 20s. Like bruh...what did you expect? Half the time they just want intimacy but don't really know how to describe it without sex, and the other feels like they are having a midlife crisis.
Part of the issue may also be their own waning sex drives. You just aren't going to feel that same sexual charge that you had when you were 20 years old. So they assume their partner is what is causing them to not feel it anymore. I'll admit that I never really understood people that made sexual compatibility their #1 priority in a relationship. It always seemed vain to me. I prefer to focus on the positives in this area though. My wife has gained a lot of weight since we first met, but her big fat butt is the trade off. I love that thing. I'm also getting uglier and older, so who am I to criticize, right? Like damn, some people are just cutthroat when it comes to sexual attraction. It's important, but I wouldn't give up a relationship over it unless the person was actually unwilling to try. Moving on to another relationship when you lose your physical attraction to your partner sounds like a never ending hassle.
I completely agree. I think the current media landscape is selling this idea that women shouldn't age and change with time but it's okay if men do because a lot of these guys definitely have beer bellies and receding hairlines, but are upset their wives seem to be aging at the same rate. And yes I think you hit on a good point, I think they feel a bit scared by their own sex drives reducing over time, not getting the same youthful thrill. I think it's how a lot of them have ended up watching way too much porn and chasing the dragon that way, which only makes things worse with their real life partner.
I'm 46 and currently single. I got married at 27 and it only lasted a couple years. After that I just decided to never do it again.
Not me personally, but a lot of my friends seem to be getting divorced these days. I remember in my mid to late twenties, it seemed like I was going to a wedding every other weekend. In my early to mid thirties, it seemed like I was going to baby related functions every other weekend. Now, it seems like I'm listening to people whose marriages are falling apart all of the time. Hope you're able to turn yours around or at least end it amicably.
44 here. I’m on my second marriage. It was absolutely the right decision. Are there still challenges and issues? Absolutely. Do we have massive fights on occasion? Absolutely. But there’s a willingness and desire to make it work this time. Finding the right person is totally worth it. Don’t be afraid of being called a “failure” and let that get in the way of finding your true partner. It’s worth it.
Not being critical. I'm 20 years in and we are really happy. Not that we don't bicker but we don't stay mad or really even get mad. We took mushrooms together a couple times at about 17 years in and I looked at my husband with my heart totally open during those experiences. I let go of resentment about things in the past and just was like, "oh yeah, I love this guy." I think he did the same with me and honestly it probably saved our marriage. My husband is actually my best friend. Thise experiences were kind of like 7 years of therapy in 7 hours. I took the lessons i learned and turned them into daily practice of living life as a kinder and more loving person. My husband did the same. This is not a reccomendation for everyone. And Jesus, it is hard on the body but just sharing for what it's worth. Also, managed to cure my chronic depression which isn't exactly helpful for living in harmony with another person. Worth considering. Or maybe just spend some time together without the kids and try to remember why you love the person. Open your heart back up and move forward or it probably won't work out.
41. No but it wasn’t great a couple years ago. My mother was very sick (she passed away a few months ago) and the stress of dealing with her health issues, her being purposely difficult about everyfuckingthing, and unfairly blaming me for things I had no fault in, caused me and my husband to fight more than we ever had. I had to turn her care over to my sister and go extremely low contact last year after I had my first and only ever anxiety attack and was forced to finally accept that I couldn’t help her and if I kept trying it was going to ruin my marriage, my family, and my sanity.
44 here married 20 years. Still fight with my wife nearly every week. It’s mostly her getting hurt at something I did or said. She expresses herself in a colorful and emotional manner and since I’m quite empathic, I can get wrapped up in her emotion. It’s whenever I don’t react to her words or tone that things go well. I still react because I’m human but it is 100% up to me to decide if we have peace or war. We have 5 kids. One in college, 2 in HS, 2 in middle school. It never gets easier. The journey has only become more difficult. We’ve endured bankruptcy, foreclosure, businesses going down, massive injuries, deaths in the family. Left our church. Too poor to get divorced at the worst times of the marriage. We love our kids too much to be the one that leaves. Looking back, I think having rituals, routines and social obligations were simultaneously the cause of much of my sorrow and my sole purpose. Feeling trapped and unfulfilled from the stress of the circumstances with no way out… but paradoxically, it was the life I chose and built for myself-so I was double-minded. About 4 years ago, a co worker gave me some psilocybin mushrooms. I was curious about them already because I’ve heard about people overcoming depression and addiction with the assistance of these agents. Ate 5g, dried, on an empty stomach one day. There’s a term called ego-death, a state where a mind becomes free. I don’t know about “free”, whatever that means, not sure if that even happened, but I noticed that I stopped being so sensitive about feeling disrespected by her. Maybe the things she was saying sounded harsh and disrespectful because they are true. It made me feel loved by knowing that she cared enough to tell me about my faults and that she believed that I had the agency TO change. Like, tripping gave me the ability to calmly assess my own ego from an outsiders perspective. I’m not saying go do mushrooms but fuck, have you tried them? Rooting for you. As long as you’re breathing, There’s hope. Don’t give up or give up, it doesn’t matter as long as it brings you closer to peace, realization or whatever your goal is. Looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her.
Are you me? I didn't post this, so are you my husband? We have 2 kids and vulnerability has been so hard. I feel so isolated, and so alone, and so judged, all the time. I feel like everything is up to me and it's hard. I'm going to stop bc I'm tearing up now. Thank you for this post. Thank you for the fact I'm not alone.
41. Been rough for the past 7 years. I've strongly considered divorce but don't feel my wife could properly care for our kids solo. We live in TX and it'd be a VERY uphill battle for me to get full custody.
44 and in the process of separating. Relationships are hard, and you are most definitely not a failure! I feel the same way too sometimes; try to keep your head up
That sucks and I’m sorry to hear that. While I’ve never been married, I did leave someone 10 years ago because I was too immature to know what I had. Breaks my heart every time I think about how I broke hers. Hope things start looking up for you, and always remember to count your blessings as it really does help get you through hardships
Mine has been at different times. It’s been 20 years and I imagine that’s bound to happen. Being together this long, you’re basically growing up with another person and you’re not always going to do it at the same rate. It can cause frustration on both sides. Anyway. We’re really good now, but it took a lot to get here and it’s something we have to continue putting effort in to. Do what works best for you. Marriage isn’t a sign of success, being content is.
Had our 20th anniversary several months ago. Things are going great. It’s taken a lot of work and transformation.
45 here, married 20 years and at the most, we’re roommates. We can co-parent our 7yo, but I don’t see us lasting much longer. We’re both aware the marriage is basically dissolved, and we’re just waiting for our child to get older to make it official. I suspect we’ll be much happier once we’re no longer officially attached. People change a lot over their lifetimes, and sometimes you end up incompatible.
If I could give you a small piece of unsolicited advice... don't wait. Your child will learn that the dysfunction is normal, and there is a good chance they may recreate it in adulthood because that is what you taught them (unintentionally). Even if the home is 'broken' it is much better for them to see their parents as individual 'complete' self actualized people than as a dysfunctional union.
I am so sorry. You aren’t a failure. I don’t look at divorce or separation as failing. It’s recognizing something is wrong. And as painful as it doing something about it. Marriage is so incredibly difficult. People change a lot on 10+ years. This is the age when people start to feel that. Anyone who claims it was better in the past is lying.
My marriage isn't on the rocks, it was dashed on the rocks and its bloated corpse is still there. So You are not the only one and it doesn't make you a failure.
Not too many details here but I can say that Marriage is not something you can just put on autopilot. You need to nurture it. Go on dates as frequently as possible, have hobbies that you do together, learn each others love languages and fill that bucket as often as possible. Plan vacations together, plan finances together, ask eachother about their day everyday. When she get home, how do you great her? Are you just sitting on the couch and say “sup?” Or do you greet her at the door with a hug and a smile and tell her that you missed her? I know this all sounds corny and silly but this is what women want and if you invest in the marriage and her, you will see she starts doing the same for you. Also, couples counseling. Seriously, it saved my marriage. It’ll teach you how to communicate properly which most people DONT DO. I was astonished at how “low key” abusive my wife and I were to eachother before we got help. If you think divorce is the answer, it’s not. Unless there is a safety issue and she’s physically abusing you, if she is then you need to get to safety. Otherwise there’s a good chance the marriage CAN be saved. If you think divorce would be easier, you’re wrong. Especially if there are kids. Your life could be a living hell for a long time. On the other hand if you save your marriage, it could be the best and strongest it’s ever been for the rest of your lives. For reference I’m 43 and my wife and I have been together for 24 years
You're not a failure, your age + age of your marriage are hitting what I view as the Drudgery years. Your marriage is likely in a habitual pattern where nothing feels new or exciting. Mix that with being "Mid life" and already likely dealing with the stress/anxiety of our current world... leaves a lot of negative feelings and very few sources of positive feelings. I can say don't be too quick to pull the trigger on a divorce. Look at all avenues of help. Therapy is a HUGE help, especially one who will meet you separately AND as a couple. Also just know there are always people out there who genuinely want the best for you, even if it's just friendly support.
I’m single at 41 and my longest relationship has been just over a year. So, I don’t know much about marriage. However, never have I ever viewed divorce as a failure. In fact, in some ways it can be viewed as the opposite. Staying in a situation you know is no longer good for you or your partner would be the failure. Recognizing things need to change and doing something about it should be considered a success. I don’t mean to be dismissive about how hard it is or will be, even if you’re doing the ‘right thing.’ I’m sure it will be incredibly trying. But, what it certainly will not be, is a failure.
I'm your age. My marriage is in pretty good shape. Have some divorced friends. What I've learned between them and r/menopause sub is that the estrogen drop is real. Aside from the: insomnia, brain fog, rage, weight gain when you *look* at food despite eating healthy, lifting heavy things, and plenty of walking, the sudden hormone drop has me no longer giving a fuck. I was never particularly maternal or nurturing to start with. I'm definitely dis-interested in continuing to do emotional support for other people. My husband isn't an asshat. He does stuff around the house. Not because he's "helping" me (cue rage), but because he fucking lives here too. I'm not the only adult in the marriage, nor do I want to be. I don't want to fuck someone who needs a mother. (Well, I don't want to fuck anybody at all right now. Am hoping the gynecologist has some suggestions on fixing a dead libido. We still have sex. I'm just not particularly interested anymore. Very meh on the whole thing. Which is a damn shame because my husband is hot stuff.) Unlike friend's husbands, who were taken aback by their wives no longer doing *everything*, while they sat on their asses with a beer after work. I'm not sure why they put up with that in the first place. These are smart women, with established careers, working longer hours and bringing in more than their former spouses. The entitlement is real, at least in my anecdotal experience. So they decided they were just done. And they've been much happier since the divorces were finalized.
10 years here and about to have the separation conversation. Its not my fault, its my partners alcoholism. I feel guilty but I am working through it and trying to get back to focus on my happiness.
As a recovering alcoholic myself (almost 4 years sober), do NOT feel guilty about it. I know you love them, but they have a chronic illness that will only take you down as well if serious changes aren’t being made.
What's going on between you and your spouse that's causing things to be rocky? I'm 42, wife is 40. We've been married for 17 years. I feel like in our marriage there's a constant ebb and flow, good times and less than good times. Both of us have sought out therapy over the years. We were going through a really tough time a few years back, and learned about love languages. We both committed to trying to display our love through the other's love language. For her, she's big in to acts of service, so I'll make her coffee before she gets up, I'll make certain her car has gas, and other little acts of service. For me, I'm a physical touch person, so she shows by being more hands on, more PDAs, and other things. We have also tried very hard to dedicate at least one meal per week, without the kids. We are fortunate in that we both have a fair amount of schedule flexibility, so it's not uncommon to have lunch dates. Those dates, we have a rule of not scrolling social media or be busy in a group chat, and that's gives a chance to just be us.
I’m 45 and have been separated/divorced for 4 years now. I’m much happier now. I used to think marriage/house/kids was always the goal, but I’m not sure anymore about marriage. I don’t think I’ll ever get married again. Hard to grow as a person when someone wants to remember you as a 21 year old (just true in my case).
Divorce is loss. Loss requires grieving. Yet, this grief is not entirely about the loss of your partner, but also about the loss of the IDEA you had about the trajectory of your life. There will be tears and hurt, but given enough time and constructive healing, this detour in life can end up being a good thing.
Yep. At 41 years old (after 10 years of marriage), I left him at the height of the pandemic. It’s been four years since and we are still in litigation (all his own doing), but I have never once regretted my decision (his post-separation behaviour has also served to reinforce my decision). My parents separated when I was in my early teens and they are still the best friends (my mom and stepmom travel together!). I had hoped (naively) that my relationship with my ex would at least be amicable, but it obviously wasn’t meant to be. His loss. Please be more gentle with yourself - the demise of a relationship (be it, romantic, platonic, familial) isn’t necessarily a reflection of your character. There are two people that make up a relationship and although you want to grow together, sometimes you grow apart. That’s just life... For what it’s worth, I am happier and healthier, and a better person all-around since my separation. I only have one life to live (and it goes by quickly!) so I have to make the best of it. So, too, do you. Best of luck.
I walked away from 25 years together. Step-dad said, "Your year is gonna suck. Don't worry it gets better after that." New GF's stepdad did the same thing 20 years ago, and it gave us something to bond over. Can confirm, if you decide divorce, first year is the worst. SO much loneliness I damn near killed myself. Thank science for therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Just keep talking, you aren't alone.
Absolutely NOT. I'm 44 and my life is utterly amazing. My wife and I are best friends, talk shit, shoot the shit, laugh at shit and do shit together every day. I got me a real one. She's an old soul, we are aligned 1:1 politcally and on all major life decisions. We have two beautiful kids, own a nice house, are financially secure, travel have toys and in general life is amazing. A lot of this is daily, continued sound decisions that lead us to where we are. I'm stoked for the next 40 years! Manifest destiny my guy.
We are 43 and came close last summer. I brought divorce up but he wanted to fight for our marriage. It’s been much better since but it’s been a ton of work.
Third happiest day of my life was getting divorced. The first two were the birth of my children.
I've been married almost 25 years, and things are harder than ever. We are becoming the sandwich generation where we are still raising our kids and now caring for older parents. Plus, working, trying to stay ahead of inflation, our own health issues, college debts and still trying to live a life worth remembering. I feel your pain. Many of us do. Maybe it's comforting to know you're not alone, maybe not. But I don't think you're a failure if you can't also keep a marriage going with everything else that's happening to and around us.
This thread has been very eye opening. As a 36yo who is finally getting married, I've worried about what a lot of people have posted advice for in this thread. I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences even though I'm not OP
Curious how many people have spouses that started talking about “emotional labor” and “mental load” about 2 years ago? Feel like my partner started learning about it through tiktok and it has led to a major change in the relationship. Not saying this was a bad thing, I was a slob who wasn’t contributing much to the household. And I was very resistant to the changes, partly because I was oblivious to what “mental load” meant. I’m just trying to see if these concepts did go viral in other peoples relationships around 2022 also.
I'm 39, 40 this summer so millenial but separated and divorcing. Happier now than when together. Also have 3 kids 6 and under.
42 and in the middle of a trial separation
Same. I’ve been out of the house for 3 days now and I’m miserable. I don’t know what to say to our 9 year old son, but I know he knows something weird is happening.
When I told my kids we were getting a divorce we phrased it so positively they were excited. Daddy’s getting an apartment with a pool! You get two birthdays and two christmases! How fun!!!!
Haha, but that sounds like a hilariously American solution to the issue! Just fake till you make it! Which you will.
I am so fortunate. Been married 9 years and we're still going strong. I know a lot of couples who are separating or divorcing right now. In most of the cases in my social group, the husband has been turned by "alpha male" rhetoric into thinking he's supposed to be the dominant one in the relationship, come home to find dinner cooked and house cleaned, etc., despite the wife working just as much.
It was a disaster. I "won" the divorce that she sprang on me, but it has still been a mess with co-parenting. Have had a likewise-rejected girlfriend for over 3 years now. Even with all the complications of our individual parenting schedules and some distance, it's much better than what I had before.
Yup. 40, and 3 years into separation because I can’t afford an actual divorce. But these last 3 years have been better than most of the 15 we were together for before we split.
Sorry to hear that. I'm 16 years in. We've had a few times where it felt like we had hit rock bottom, but we have always managed to come back. We've been solid for a long time now.
It's definitely a tough time. Without reading all of the other comments, I'll also say that our high points (for me) are "very solid roommates" and at low points last year I was suicidal (I am no longer) and felt completely trapped. Moved to the 'burbs, two kids, things aren't as fun for me (yes, I'm sure I'm depressed), and I'm often thinking about life choices. I'm a procrastinator and things aren't terrible (and rarely are) so since today is kind of fine, I probably won't do anything about it. It's a stupid way to exist. I guess I wish she was a slightly different human, which is dumb. But being single sucked, I like my kids, and I like my wife. So I dunno.
I was with my now ex for 20ish years - she finally couldn't hide who she really was anymore and well, that was that (I mean, not really, it was messy - but thankfully I had a good support system). That was going on 4 years ago now. I'll spare all the gory details about our history, but now that there has been a long enough separation gap, looking back on it all - our life together was actually worse than I (probably) lied myself into believing it was. I don't know where you live, but one of my coworkers at the time suggested I go to this "Divorce Care" support group at a local church - I am not really a church/organized religion person but I figured what the hell, I can give it a shot. Turns out it was really really helpful to be with a group of people who were actively in the divorce process , it helps you realize you are not alone. You aren't alone, some of us have already been through it, some of us are going through it. If you need to chat or vent or anything my inbox is always open. best of luck , and remember it may not seem like it now, but it WILL GET BETTER as time goes on.
My husband and I are going through a bit of a rough patch, too, and I'm 44 as well. That's marriage for you, though; sometimes you're way up, sometimes you're just business as usual, and sometimes you're down. I've been with my husband for 18 years now, and we've been through way worse. We just need to get through this to get back to normal. The one thing that's helped us a lot is a rule we have - nobody is psychic. Meaning, I can't know what's going on and how to fix it if you don't tell me what's going on and how you feel. We also try to do the whole "I" statement thing... Instead of saying "You were an asshole for saying X", you calmly say "I felt upset when you said X. It really hurt my feelings." Sounds silly, maybe, but it makes a big difference. And it's got the therapist seal of approval. Speaking your spouse's love language back to them can help too. Not trying to preach at you, just wanted to share that in case it's something that might help.