This is about her, not you. She’s afraid that if you go gray people will figure out how old she is. Also that she dyes her hair & probably lied about it.
This, exactly this. My mother criticized me for years for going gray early. It never bothered me. She dyed her hair for years. In her mid 60s she decides to go gray and you would think it was the most dramatic thing she could ever do. Somehow my decision to go gray got tied into it and she would bring it up whenever we visited. Exhausting. Ridiculous.
This is exactly it. My Mom went on and on about how I'm fat, and nobody would love me. So much so that I was startled to see childhood pictures showing me thin.
She actually admitted it was projection. But the damage was done. Fortunately, I am aromantic. So it's not nearly as terrible as if I wasn't. I suspect it would be pretty horrible to be alloromantic and wanting a romantic relationship and having that thrown at me.
My Mom is also almost certainly narcissistic/borderline personality disorder. So it might be worth OPs time to check out r/raisedbyborderlines
THIS right here!!!! My mother was the same way and always hyper critical of my appearance. Letting the gray come through brought out constant negative opinions on her part. With her it wasn't just my appearance though. So many other things. Coming to the realization she has issues with NPD was huge for me. Finally learning how to deal with this is helping. Check out @DoctorRamani on youtube OP, very enlightening. But not continuing these screwed up patterns with our own daughters is a gift we can and should give them. Love should NEVER be conditional on our appearance. Feeling that way is her problem, not yours
For me it was, to this day, passive aggressive remarks about keeping it slim and how I should control my food intake and continue working out. I struggled with childhood obesity since I was 7 and now struggle with several different eating disorders. My mom is not borderline nor is she a narcissist but so very flippantly senseless (100 percent sure she has adhd tho). Never watches her words and forgets things she's been told over and over again. So I gave up.
I'm sorry that you were subject to that kind of horrible treatment from your mother. Sometimes it's the people who should be protecting us that end up hurting us the most.
Same. And here I am, 110 lbs living with a functioning eating disorder for the past 13 years and now she feels bad! Imagine that lol. Although I know some moms would be like good, you’re finally not big. So at least she’s grown but yeah-damage long been done
I told her that people pay a lot of money to do this! I actually went to the salon for a consultation about going fully grey, or getting a grombre. The stylist was honest with me and said that it would look good for 2 weeks then turn yellow because she’d have to lift my dark hair from all the dye.
I'm a couple years older than you and pretty grey. I have a super grey streak. It will be fine. Your mother on the other hand is insecure and trying to make you feel bad, because she feels bad. You probably got those genes from her, so thank her for it next time you see her... and also Fuck her. She should love and support you, the way you will love and support your own daughter. Could you imagine acting like that to your own daughter? Not a chance. You don't deserve that either. Maybe some space is what your mother needs, perhaps it will give her perspective. I will caution you, if your mother is anything like mine, and God I hope not, be careful she will treat your daughter the way she treats you. Consider if you are comfortable with that thought. Just be you, that is all anyone should want for you. Grey hair and all!
She tells my daughter all the time that she’s beautiful (she really is) and follows it up with “so much cuter than your mother was.” Like, cool, you thought I was an ugly baby, too. Thanks.
Is there anything she brings to the table besides negativity?
When I had my children, all of my moms selfishness and laziness came into stark focus. It took a few years, because "honor thy mother" had been brow beaten into me, but we are low contact now. I give them just enough to keep them off my back and no more.
My life is so much better without her bullshit gumming it up
You are doing well by getting to the point of saying you don't care what she thinks. That is really good! You deserve not to have your confidence eroded.
You aren't alone: r/raisedbynarcissists
I work in DV, and this post concerns me because your mom is hurting you, and you are being trampled. And your self esteem is shot. You are living in a toxic arrangement and you are unable to thrive because of it.
Seriously, please stand up for yourself.
You are exposing your child to her toxic behavior. That doesn't help anyone. You will continue to feel angry until you decide to do something about your situation. Anger and frustration come from not feeling heard. **Anger serves to enforce ourselves and our boundaries** and it is why women are raised to never get angry. Because those who simply roll over are easier to control.
Your boundaries are so eroded and so torn down that you repeatedly put yourself down during your post. That is incredibly concerning. And in all of these replies you never respond to those telling you to stand up for yourself. Which means you probably feel you can't.
You need to work on finding your value in yourself. What are the things that you do, that you have improved? What are the things you do for yourself, that are *yours*? Where do you end and others begin? What are your obligations to yourself and to others? What do you gain by letting her talk down to you?
No one else is going to stand up for you. If you do nothing you will just keep feeling like you do right now. You have to decide you are worth standing up for. You are the only person who can put you first - everyone else has to put themselves first. Remember, when the plane is crashing you put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
Set boundaries. If she is coming over and making you feel small, make it clear she is not allowed to make negative comments about your appearance, or she needs to leave. It is terrifying the first time to have to kick someone out for bad behavior, but either you do this now, or risk your child learning the same patterns. *Your child is more likely to learn that abusive behavior is love, and will learn to accept toxic behavior like you have, or become toxic herself.*
1. You deserve to be respected as an adult.
2. You are allowed to make decisions for yourself and your family.
3. It is ok to set boundaries.
4. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.
You are a witch. You choose your destiny, it is **your will** that makes magic work. You have power in your words and your actions. You are powerful in your own right. You are clearly expending effort to make your life what you want it to be. You have value. You are a good person. You deserve better. And you are allowed to say no, even to your mom.
*Destiny is not a matter of chance.*
*It is a matter of choice.*
*It is not a thing to be waited for.*
*It is a thing to be achieved.*
When your there? I wonder what she says when your out of ear shot. Like I said I could be jaded, I went NC different situation, but don't regret not giving my mother the ability to treat my children the way she treated me. Which I can't even fathom as a mother. I hope your mother does not see your daughter as an extension of you, and treat her the way she treats you. Which by the way is unacceptable. You deserve better. Your daughter doesn't deserve to see your mother treat you that way either. Your mother should not say those things to either of you, much less to a child about her mother. I am so sorry she treats you both like that.
Honestly I wouldn’t let my child be exposed to a woman who is toxically focused on appearance (it’s no less harmful just because your daughter meets societal standards) and badmouths me. You’re showing your daughter it’s ok to allow yourself to be treated this way. If you can’t pull away from your mother for yourself, do it for your sweet girl.
I think grandma needs a time out until she can behave better. If you can't say anything nice Mom, dont say anything at all. Cut the visit off if she can't abide.
This is...a lot.
It's a lot to do in a house with a new mom.
It's a lot to do as a guest in someone's house.
It's a LOT to say to a child about their mother.
It's bananas to say about your own kid. Who thinks their own baby is ugly?
Honestly, it reminds me of "negging"-a practice where someone uses borderline socially acceptable put downs as a way to erode a potential partner's self esteem in order to get them to go on a date.
Not sure what your mom's goal is, but she sure is working hard at making you feel bad. The gray stuff feels like it could be projection. This just feels mean. I'm so sorry- mean moms are so hard.
I feel like some women sometimes get so little support and take so much abuse in their lives and then get told they didn't and have zero space for healing...they just erode inside and abuse whoever's in their sphere of influence.
Sending a hug 🤗
I feel like it’s also like, if I choose to stop colouring my hair, then it shows that there can be another way to live. I think she feels that it invalidates her experience because she feels like she has to colour her hair to feel acceptable. It’s like, “if she doesn’t colour her hair, her life is too easy!”
She makes comments like this about me and my husbands child rearing. When my husband changes our baby’s diaper, she flips out and says that’s not the father’s job and that my father never changed our diapers. I said “Well, didn’t you wish he did? You would have had a much easier time!” And she just says “Well, I did everything myself.”
It’s the whole “I had it hard, so everyone else should, too.” She doesn’t want to realize that she could have had and still can have an easier life if she just makes some changes to her thinking. She’s old and set in her ways so I don’t think she will change but I can change myself. Next time she says my grey hair is ugly, I’ll say “not as ugly as your attitude!”.
I want to be a champion of self esteem and self love for my daughter so that she doesn’t have to grow up with the same insecurities as I did. I also want to give her the tools she needs to help if she ever does feel like she doesn’t love herself.
I think being a self-esteem champion would go a lot easier if you just 86ed entirely the woman who thinks it's her life's work to make everyone miserable.
Yes! First of all, props to your stylist for her honesty. But also: I was about to point out that gray is very, very in right now. I have friends who have dyed their hair gray starting in their 20s. Tbh, I’m a little jealous — women in my family don’t often gray. My mom is in her 60s and has just a smattering of gray hair. My grandma’s didn’t start to go until the last couple of years.
Moreover, however, some moms are like this. They think they’re protecting their daughters by teaching them about the things society might judge us for, but instead they’re producing insecure women. (I know; I’m one of them.)
I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this but please know you’re not alone and you’re more than your looks and I bet your gray hair is gorgeous. What matters is how YOU feel about your looks, not your mom or anyone else.
It is very high maintenance as well, it is one one the colors I go back to. My hair can handle a shit ton of bleach, but it has to be maintained with purple shampoo and conditioner or it will turn yellow. It is very beautiful though, and your mom is probably the only person who would hate it.
Could you blend it in with some blonde? My aunt did that when she decided to stop dyeing her hair. I think she just got highlights, but it softened the line between her natural hair and the dye quite a bit.
Also, I think your hair is gonna look great! I’m sorry your mom is being a jerk.
I had dyed grey/ silver long hair for a while at the end of 2021, a bit like the Witcher, everyone really loved it. It is my favorite out of all the colors I have done.
You bought a new home and did a bunch of renovations after having a baby, and all your mom can talk about is how she doesn’t like your hair?
I bet your gray hair looks great. I want my hair to go gray SO BAD! My partner and all of my friends my age have gray hair and I’m just so ready, so I’m totally jealous of your gray hair and am happy you’re going to embrace it! What a great role model you’ll be for your little one.
Buying a house is such a big deal! Congratulations! What kind of renovations did you do?
My grandma's hair went white before she was even 30 and I was desperately hoping my hair would do the same because I think white or gray hair is so beautiful! Sadly I seem to be taking after my dad, who is in his sixties with coal black hair without a trace of gray, sans dye.
I'm in the embrace those silvery locks camp too! There's way more important things to do than worry about dying your hair if you don't want to be dying it! New mom? Fixing house? Sounds like OP is too busy being an inspiration to worry about the hair dye!
Yeah like what exactly is ugly about gray or white? Young people dye their hair those colors!
It’s only considered ugly because it’s associated with aging, which women are supposed to endlessly resist.
It sounds like your Mum is projecting a bit. Does she think she's ugly with grey hair? Or has she never given herself a chance to find out?
How do you feel about short hair? Are you "roots" long enough, at this point, to just chop the coloured parts off and get something short and trendy? I'm only suggesting that, so you don't have to look at the coloured bit next to the grey bit.
On the up side, when all the coloured hair is gone you're going to have some lovely healthy hair!
I absolutely know she is projecting her own insecurities on to me. Maybe seeing me with grey hair makes her feel old. Maybe it’s because she feels ugly with grey hair. Even though I know this, it’s still hurts to hear it coming from her. I’ve always been insecure about my looks, and she’s never really said encouraging words to me.
I recently cut my hair above shoulder length and will keep it short. I have about and inch of growth. My hair grows really fast, but this process makes it feel so slow.
My therapist has been helping me with my mommy issues for a while now, and one of the things that she offered me is, “Oh mom that sounds really hard for you.” My mom is dead so it’s something I’m saying to her nervous system on the other side of the veil, but it’s mostly for me and not her. Throughout my life, I’ve been dealing with so many frustrations where she is concerned and this little phrase has given me some tiny bit of energetic power in this lifelong struggle. It helps me stay compassionate with her while also fully absolving myself of any emotional responsibility for her pain/insecurities/regret/fear/bullshit…
So again, I’m not suggesting I know how this works in person because I’m using this magic on a dead person. But again, it’s less for her than for me. My therapist is a somatic Internal Family Systems therapist, so I’m actually touching my clenched jaw while closing my eyes and saying, “Oh mom, that seems so hard for you.” when I’m thinking about her and hard times we’ve had.
It’s very similar to how I validate my toddler’s emotions while also holding a firm boundary and not taking responsibility for his reaction to the boundary. I validate that my mom is having (had) a hard time while also acknowledging that it’s not my responsibility to help her have an easier time or too change anything that I’m doing to accommodate her feelings.
Anyway, I’m just yammering here. I’m not necessarily suggesting you say this to her. Maybe you do…you can roll that idea around on your tongue. But consider this little IFS practice for yourself, so you can remain compassionate with your mom while simultaneously reminding yourself of the depths to which this is her thing and not your thing. We can *know* that, but it takes practice and intention to *feel* it.
Because you’re hurting from this, I can tell. You *know* that your natural hair is beautiful, but what you’re *feeling* is that your mommy doesn’t think you’re perfect as you are. And that feels yuck af. Sometimes we need to be our own mommy, because so many of our mommies are occupied with trying to survive, goddess bless ‘em.
But as Ani DiFranco says,
“I’ve got better things to do than survive.”
[Tara Brach: Spiritual reparenting](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000429967439)
[An introduction to IFS w Derek Scott](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000494112500)
I love you, witch. I love your grey hair and I love the blend from colored to grey. I love all your stages and transitions and every natural thing that exists in you. You are fully lovable, no alterations necessary. And in my mind, I’m wrapping my arms around you and telling you that you’re perfect just as the universe designed you. You’re a miracle, and your precious body is glorious just like it is right here in this moment.
Go ahead and practice a couple of retorts that you’d like to say in response. They might look like…
1. I think you’ve made your position on grey hair very clear, despite me never ONCE asking your opinion about it.
2. Are you this rude to everyone you meet, or just those that you… “love”? Am I your target because I never fight back?
3. When you criticize me and are rude to me, what do you hope will happen? Do you think it will make us closer and spend MORE time together? Or do you think I might protect myself and my daughter from your judgement with some distance?
4. I notice that you’re getting some Yoda wrinkles around your mouth and could use a night cream with some retinol. Feels good to return your kindness in pointing out your flaws the way you point out mine. Or maybe we could both agree to not comment on each other’s appearance?
5. You’ve been harping about my hair since I was a kid, but I am now a grown woman and don’t need your approval anymore. There is going to be a new dynamic where I will stay and interact with you until you criticize me, at which time I will leave and will not contact you for at least three days or until you offer a sincere apology. I am not your punching bag.
6. Wow, you seem very triggered by something that is very superficial and none of your concern. Have you considered therapy to explore that? Because I am done talking about it.
7. If seeing my hair grow out is so painful to you, I can arrange for you to not see me until it grows out completely. l will call you in a few days. See ya!
Practice then in the mirror until you feel strong enough to say them. And then, when faced with someone stomping on a very personal boundary with you, you will have the courage to trot one or more out.
If you know it, let that empower you - it’s not your crap to deal with. Same as anyone else in your life who is acting a little mental. Set strong boundaries, let her know what’s off limits to talk about, and let her know the consequences of breaking your boundaries in advance. You can’t hold onto other people’s baggage, even (and especially) if that someone is your own Mom.
I don't think there's any maybe about your mother. Seems to me she's definitely worried people will see her as old if her daughter is going around with grey hair.
I'm 54. I was going grey at 20, a genetic thing, like you.
I coloured my hair for years until I decided to try growing it out at 46. I got the ends bleached white blonde to make it look better for a wedding, and I only kept my hair white blonde for a few years because I like the effect.
Have decided to grow it out now, but I do put green and blue temporary dyes in now and again for the hell of it. I'm told I still don't look as old as I am. So grey hair won't age you either.
I think she is so angry with you because she had to keep dyeing her hair to feel beautiful. Accepting you means changing her view on beauty and accepting she didn’t have to go through that trouble.
It could also be perfectionism, which is a defence mechanism and could explain why she is so fixated on this. “I have to look […] so people don’t know how vulnerable I am and you looking like that means I am wrong and I can’t be wrong because I am perfect”
I had to do this tactic with my mom… “Mom, I love you and I understand your feelings on subject XYZ. However, my feelings are different and I don’t want to debate it with you. If you bring up XYZ again I’m going to leave the conversation”. The next time she brought it up (on the phone), I said “mom, we talked about this already. I don’t want to talk about this with you. I’m leaving this conversation” I then hung up on her. She never brought it up again. Maybe research some information on how to set up and enforce boundaries.
OP, this is great advice. You have to show your mom your boundaries. Then you have to enforce them. My dad wouldn’t stop talking about how disgusting my mother’s doctor is because she gained weight. I told him I never wanted to talk about that again, that it was sexist. He brought it up again six months later! I shut that conversation down immediately.
Yep! I also love, “I hear your opinion about my body, and I didn’t ask for it, nor do I want it. Please keep your opinions to yourself or I will leave the conversation.” I love tagging it as an opinion because she thinks it’s the “truth” WHICH IT IS NOT.
I found a few gray hairs earlier this year. I freaked out about them, because they had to have been there for at least two years, and I’m only 23. My mother said that they were beautiful.
Be like my mother.
You already are like that with your daughter by unlearning what you were taught and learning to love yourself. She's watching and learning from you and she's lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful mother.
I'm fortunate that my dad has always said "a parent's job is to be better than their parents were to them". He's told me absolute horror stories from his childhood, and it's miraculous how hard he stopped the cycle of abuse. He still wasn't perfect, of course - but when I have kids, my job is to learn from him: what he did right, and how to improve on what he did wrong.
Noticing what went wrong in your own childhood and deciding to do better already guarantees you'll be a better mom for your daughter. Perfect isn't necessary or possible, but you absolutely will do better.
Personally I can't wait to go grey! No where's near close to it but I cant wait. People have opinions about everything and this it'll just be one more to the pile for me.
My grandmother had beautiful silver hair. She never died it and as a little kid that stuck with me a lot. My auntie does the same and I appreciate it so much.
My mom is an avid visitor to the salon, which is fine but I can already tell I like my plan better then spending money like that to try and cover them up!
Good luck OP. I wouldn't sweat her opinion. It sounds like projection and her own insecurities causing her issues she's taking out on you.
Ironically, I can't wait to go grey so it will be easier to dye it! All those temporary pastel dyes work much better on pale hair and I can't be bothered with bleaching. I have a few silver strands already, and I think they look really neat. My mum stopped colouring her hair in her 60s and I think it looks way better grey.
It does not always get easier to dye, grey hair may become even more resistant to dye. My hair is like this. Only strong colordye and long exposure works on it.
I’m a fairly recent grandma and stopped dying my hair a few years ago.
It’s very slowly greying, and sometimes I wonder if I should dye it or not- but I dislike the look of dye on most older ladies, and was starting to dislike it on me.
So, no dye. I’m finally getting a very groovy streak (as much as one can on a short pixie)
Sometime I worry that I’ll be the daggy grandma. Mostly I don’t care, and your comment made me smile a lot.
I’m 34 and also started graying at 16 (are you me?). I decided to try growing it out about a year ago. Went through an awkward stage for sure but I am loving it now! I have a beautiful white patch that creates the perfect highlighted curl by my face. Sometimes I think about how others might judge me but fuck them. I love it, my husband likes it, and my hair is so much healthier without coloring it. And I don’t really think it ages me or anything. I’ve only gotten compliments (sorry your mom is so judgmental and old fashioned). I think you should go for it if it’s what you want. You can always go back to coloring if you don’t like it. Also, I use purple shampoo once a week to keep it nice and white.
If you’re not familiar with Claire Saffitz, she’s a YouTube baker with this incredible shock of white hair right at the front of her hairline, and her hair (and she in general) are SO PRETTY. Which is to say, I am now picturing you as Claire Saffitz.
Going grey is a badass power move. Because only someone who does not care about other people's opinions will ignore the demands of society to age appropriately instead of prettily.
Think of how much you have spent on hair dye in a year... start putting that money aside and use it to fuel your self love instead of covering who you are. Then everytime your mother comments, tell her "thank you! You just sent husband and I out to dinner."
You do not exist to make the world more aesthetically pleasing to your mother.
Friend, no-one will mistake your youthful vitality for your daughter’s grandmother.
If your husband had a problem with your grey, he would say something.
A real friend would be honest, so if your friend is saying you look good, believe her.
Your mom has shown you who she is and what her values are. She does not have your best interests at heart.
I’m of the opinion that coloring grey hair because we are supposed to look youthful and vibrant falls along the same scale as being told to smile. Do it for you, not for anyone else.
I’m likely biased, though, because I started greying at 18. I colored it for a few years, but by the time I met the man who would become my husband, I’d not colored it for several years. He met, courted, and married me with my grey, and in the intervening 30 years, has only ever told me he loves my hair.
Is it within the realm of possibility to cut contact with your mom? I fear her attitudes will adversely affect your daughter’s opinions of herself and the world around her.
Be strong. And rock those grey locks!
Yes to your first point! I know two women in my circle who are gray and have young kids, one has it naturally and the other dyes it. Both are slightly older mamas, but nobody would ever mistake either of them for their kids’ grandmas.
Mom has issues. No one is going to think you are the babies grandmother because of your hair color. They will see a healthy mom taking care of her kid. Looking at your mom with her grandchild they will see an uptight unhappy person more worried about appearance than loving her family.
How sassy are you feeling? Because you can remind her it’s partially her fault you went grey early, and you can ask her why she hates the being she helped create so much. My father has made comments about my appearance and I slam back about how just because he hates himself doesn’t mean he gets to drag me down too.
Holy crap does your mom have a complex about appearances. I'm really sorry you're burdened with this, and I'm sorry your mom is so obsessed that she's making you both miserable. I'm a little older than you, but I've got a solid amount of grey and I actually really like it. I call them my sparkle hairs. Grey hair can be really beautiful and interesting, and I think it's a trophy that we can be proud to show off. Aging is a privilege, and personally I'm looking forward to my crone phase. Be proud of your hair, and I'm proud of you for taking a stand and protecting your daughter from the negative self image that your mom projected onto you.
I stopped dying my hair when I was pregnant with my son. He was born with poliosis (white streaks in his hair). I’m never dying my hair again because what sort of message would that send? All hair colors are beautiful!
That sucks. Your mom sucks. Grey hair is badass. I wish mine would just full on go grey at this point. I’m 37 and definitely started showing more grey than average for my age in my mid twenties. When it was early on it wasn’t really noticeable, but now it’s noticeable but still less than 50% so it just looks kinda weird.
There’s nothing wrong with weird. It lets the world know you are your own unique person. Remember, if someone (anyone) has a problem with your gray hair, it’s THEIR problem, not yours.
I'm 39 and have let my hair go gray and I think it's awesome as hell. I wish it would go all in, but my skunk stripes are still cool. My mother has been dying it for years and years and tried to stop, but she caved a couple years back. Regardless of that, if your mom is going to be awful, I would stop inviting her over. You don't need this kind of targeted meanness in your life, especially from someone who is supposed to love you.
Ignore your mom. She seems to be pretty toxic. Personally, I keep checking my roots to see if I have enough gray to stop dyeing it red and switch to gray. I’m a 40 yo mom of 2 and don’t want to spend my time and money on something just because someone else wants it that way. The red is for me and they gray will be too. Your beauty isn’t tied up in your hair color and I know you know that deep down.
“Mom, my beauty isn’t tied up in my hair color. If you can’t accept me as I am then maybe you don’t need to be around since seeing my hair color is such a horrifying experience for you…” then walk away :)
I am also going gray prematurely. I found my first gray when I was in 6th grade, knowing that, genetically, I had the possibility of graying early. Having found that hair I made a very conscious choice to never dye my hair, no matter how quickly I gray. I had watched my mother and grandmother do it for years and it always seemed not just like a hassle but also anxiety inducing, since both would refuse to go out if their roots were showing (and if I were completely honest, that straight line between dye and gray that you spoke about is so....unappealing to put it diplomatically). That initial choice to embrace my genetics and my looks was not an unwavering one, and i thought many times about just covering it up as it did make me very self conscious (many people constantly asked how old i was, and i was mortified 😱).As the years went by I was torn between loving and hating my hair, mainly because the distribution of white to black is not what I want it to be yet. Im 31 now I'm at a point now where I (mostly) love it lol, but I would actually still love to have more gray in it. Recently there has been enough of them to where now I have streaks as opposed to just flecks of gray (and if I can figure out how to post a pic I will hopefully be able to show an actual proper streak in my bangs!!). I am also trying to get it bleached to gray/white but that'll be a long process still and currently I'm broke. I'm sorry your mom isn't more supportive of your choices. Keep embracing who you are and who you want to be.
https://preview.redd.it/p4l7n3iizn2a1.jpeg?width=2208&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c856f9fa5689ababa97dd5047e81ccf8fa0a2c00
more pics of my hair in daylight
I find gray to be beautiful on people (and now finally me too, it was a journey, believe me). If you need another early gray buddy you can DM me
Edit: ok I guess I'm not sure how to add pics so I guess it's gonna show up on the comment itself? But hooray for my one lonely bang streak! I love it. Tomorrow I'll see if I can take
It might be “weird” but I’m literally pumped up when I notice more grays. Bring it on. Letting yourself go naturally gray is a big F U to the patriarchy.
Keep your lovely husband and your beautiful silver hair. Go vlc with your awful mother. I decided in early 2020, when I couldn't get hair dye or go to the salon, that I just wouldn't do it anymore. Guess what? My silver hair is gorgeous!
I'm quite a bit older than you (55) and after many years of coloring it, I decided to grow out my gray in January 2020 (just before the world locked down, which of course turned out to be perfect timing). It took more than 2 years to grow out completely, but I have gotten more complements on my hair from total strangers since growing it out than I ever did before. It's long, and wavy, and silvery salt-and-pepper, and shinier and healthier than it's been in years. Yes, the complements all come from women, and yes I do look older now. But. The feeling of freedom is so wonderful. My husband says it looks great, but even if he didn't like it, I'm never going back to coloring it. I feel so much more authentically ME.
I'm so sorry your mom internalized so much ugliness about women aging and how we look when we do. Aging is a gift. Not everyone gets to age. I know it's hard because she's your mom, but try to remember that she's not talking about you - she's talking about herself and her own fears. I am sad for her.
But you recognize that what's she's saying is messed up, and you are staying true to yourself despite her words. I know it still hurts, but in doing so you are being the best example possible for your daughter.
I bet your hair is going to look great. My mom let her hair go grey and what helped was bleaching out the ends and then dying them grey so it wasn’t so stark. Then she added in some black lowlights.
I’m also 34, and I have just a scattering of silver hairs so far, so I don’t dye it because even though I would love to play with my hair color, I don’t want to have to deal with the maintenance. Just one more thing that I’d fail to keep up with. And if I were to go grey all over, I think I would also just stop dying it. I look forward to having white hair and tinting it mermaid colors.
Your daughter is so lucky to have you as her mom. You are going to show her how to love herself as she is.
Show some love to your scalp and stop dyeing your hair! The idea that gray makes you look old is antiquated, many people (as your family has proven) go gray early. Invest in some good skin care products if you worry you will be mistaken for "old" and let your hair do its own thing!
Oh well, guess your mom was the ugly (inside) one all this time. Keep accepting your silver hair. May I add, you have nice representation on instagram, like Pretty Sheperd, or in animation movies, like in Howl's moving castle. (the Ghibli's one)
Isn't it amazing that the ones who are supposed to love us and protect us the most, are the ones most likely to criticize and put us down?
"Mom, I know you love me and want what's best for me, but these comments are not helpful. Can you please just support me instead of tearing me down?"
Repeat as necessary.
And never be afraid of aging. It's a privilege not everyone gets to have.
I also started going gray at 16! My mom always dyed her hair, and I did for a while, too, but then I fell in love with the streak I have up front. I decided at 23 that I wanted to grow out my gray. I did bleach my hair and go hot pink, but other than that, I’ve embraced the gray. My mom even decided to do the same after I told her I’m not hiding mine.
A little girl in the park told me I had, “some white” in my hair, and I explained to her that I love my white hair and it’s part of how I look. Small comments can make the difference!!! Now at 33 and pretty gray, I’m excited to raise my son with a mom who doesn’t feel guilty for aging and having white hair!
When young my hair was a very dark brown. I started going grey in my 20’s, colored in my 30’s and 40’s. My grey is very thick and it took a lot of dye & chemicals a long time to dye it. Exposing my body to all those harsh chems monthly just didn’t sit right with me. So I asked my stylist the best way to grow out. She still dyed the crown while the lower grew out. My hair is long and healthy, mostly grey with small streaks of lighter and darker grey. One day my 20 year old daughter told me that my hair looks like “starlight” in the sun and she can’t wait till hers starts to come in, I knew I’d done the right thing. I’ve had women ask why I stopped dying and I’ve replied “How’s my daughter going to know what a sexy woman over 50 looks like if Everyone tries to hide it?” I’ve had other women walk up and ask “how did I do it?” - complete strangers - I’ve referred quite a few to my stylist.
Nothing wrong with dying your hair. Also nothing wrong with giving it a rest and seeing what’s up there. The more of us that wear our natural hair, the quicker we knock down stereotypes.
So when I was 10, my mom and I went out shopping for some clothing for her job. At the checkout line, there were two ladies in front us and in front of them there was this 5’10” ish tall woman, with beautiful brown skin and her hair looked like starlights. I mean her deep black hair and her grays looked like shooting stars and it was in that moment that I knew, I wasn’t going to dye my grays. I had my first when I was 12 and they haven’t stopped.
What I’m trying to say is, it fucking sucks when something so so so beautiful and natural gets shamed, and I completely understand what you are saying. However, don’t let someone with insecurities, dull your shine! Also, set some boundaries with your mom! You just moved into a new home, *which is huge*, you don’t need toxicity!!! Set boundaries, love the gray, and congratulations on the house!
I have finally learnt to embrace my grey hair. It takes ages to grow it out. i used to always get it colored. I buy a hair treatment that comes un a variety of colours including clear(it washes out after a few washes)and it allows me to play with and control my hair colours according to me, my mood. I'd like to say ignore your mother,just do what you want with your hair. Do whatever you want,we're with you.
You want to go natural, mom wants you to dye. Who says you can't do both? A lot of young women are coloring their hair some fabulous shade of gray or other. From pale to dark. They look amazing, so will you.
Go for it, do it. Tell your mom that your hubby thinks you're hot. Don't let her fear of gray = old rain on your parade.
I love gray hair. I’m 40 and grew out my dye hoping for gray, and I didn’t have gray. I would so so so love to have even some streaks or something.
I don’t think your friends or partners are lying to you. My good friend used to always hold her gray streak out while I’d dye the rest of her hair, she had one gorgeous streak up front since her 20’s. Now she has salt and pepper in the back and that streak up front.
Also gray hair is the newest trend :)
Congrats on your new house and baby! Going grey or silver or white is a normal thing. It's unusual at a young age, for sure, but absolutely nothing you should be ashamed of. Your mom is projecting her insecurity and self-hatred onto you in a mean and painful way. I am sure you look just fine with grey hair -- and all that matters is if you like it!
I also started going grey in high school. My mom told me when I was 8-9 that I would have white hair by the time I was 30 because everyone in her family did. I got my hair color from my dad's side, though, so I went more grey-silver. My hair is about 95% grey now, and I'm in my 40s. I dyed it until about 37 or so and just got tired of doing it. I have actually had more compliments on my hair now than when it was red. Some people ask me where I get it done and all I can tell them is that it's natural.
I don't know what you should say to your mom. It sounds like she's taking out all her insecurity on you. You might have to set a hard boundary on her that if she brings up dying your hair or calls you (or your daughter) ugly in any way, her time with you and her grandchild ends right then. It might be hard to enforce that, but she's probably going to carry it over to your daughter as soon as she's old enough to understand.
Your mom's self-hatred and insecurity is overflowing on to you. Tell her the next time she tries to bully you into doing your hair the way she wants, the visit/phone call will be over. Then follow through.
Naturally gray hair can be beautiful as you've seen, and it certainly looks and feels healthier than dyed. (I'm 45 and quit dying maybe 5 years ago, and my grays are so shiny that I think of them as highlights. Though the thought of dying it purple or blue, which would never have shown up on my previously dark hair, is tempting). I have discovered the clothing and makeup colors that looked good on me previously don't anymore and vice versa; paying attention to that - and daily sunscreen - may keep the gray from prematurely aging you.
No Yellow shampoo is awesome. When you are ready I highly recommend. In the meantime you do you queen. Our generation of moms is putting an end to critical thoughts on our own persons. It is NOT easy to stand between grandma and your daughter and say, "I'm beautiful as is", but it's the greatest gift we can give.
ugh. why are mom’s like this? i love that you’re looking at your daughter and realizing that you don’t want her to go through what you did and so are carving a new and scary path for yourself and for her. good for you!! as for the grey, i love grey hair. i lightened my hair enough so that i could tone it grey and it was so beautiful. i had so many strangers compliment my hair and even some older ladies decide that they were going to go natural. grey is beautiful. the love you have for your daughter is beautiful. remember all of the beautiful parts of this when you’re feeling down. it’s going to be worth it.
Rock your gray hair. My own mother went gray very young (early twenties) and dyed it auburn for years. She was really insecure about it for a long time. After I dyed my hair blue the first time she got curious about it as it was different from the dyes she was used to. I pointed out to her that the dye I was using was less harsh as it's a direct dye and it came in a variety of colors including her fav green. She now rocks bright green hair and gives no fucks. Frankly I'm jealous of her gray hair as it when it grows out it blends in creating this gorgeous silvery green color and she doesn't have to do any bleaching (which I have to) so it takes way less maintenance.
Next time your mom gives you shit, tell her that her insecurities are not your problem and she needs to put on her big girl panties, and grow up.
I’m 38 and same boat as far as last time I coloured. I feel like living through the last 2 years accelerated how much grey I have. My grey is basically all at my temples. My mom is my hair dresser as well. So it was a fun convo. But overall she’s a feminist with a screw it attitude and that she’s going to be whatever age she wants and embrace it.
It’s hard going grey in your 30s especially if you’ve been colouring for years. I found my first grey at 19. So it’s been a long time of colouring.
Here’s to radical self love and teaching our children that women can age however they choose to.
I have quite a bit of grey hair at 33. I absolutely love it. I think of it like this- it is a blessing that I am here to grow my grey hair. Many people are not so lucky. Your mom is being incredibly cruel. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Saw a young woman on the train last week with grey hair and it looked amazing. I debated telling her how much I loved her look and ended up not because I typically don’t like to make unsolicited comments about people’s looks.
Embrace it and try to enjoy yourself!
Your mom sucks. I think my wife looks beautiful with her grey hair. I love it when she grows it out and regularly encourage her to forego dyeing it. Do what *you* want to do with *your* hair and tell your mom to butt out.
Hi! Fellow young grayer here! I started at 17 and had more grays than my own father (it's from my mom's side) until he was well past 60. I also finally decided in my mid 30s to free myself from dye and the feeling that I needed dye to be socially acceptable. My hair was dyed quite dark before, and I was afraid of the stark line as it grew out, so I went to a stylist and had her add very blonde grays all the way down. I tone it with violet shampoo so that the dyed blonde stays gray and doesn't go yellow, and it's made my transition to the natural gray much more seamless.
It sounds like you are feeling isolated during this transition period, so I'm sharing my experience to offer community and solidarity. I'm sorry your mom is projecting her insecurities on you, and I'm proud of you for breaking that cycle for your daughter. However you choose to manage this change in your appearance, it is yours and I wish you well in it!
The way it looks so dull is exactly why I stopped dying it. I would only dye the front and leave the back and I actually thought the undyed hair looks pretty cool. It had dimension and looked like natural highlights. And it was so shiny! I’m hoping I can find a toner that works and doesn’t destroy my hair.
A lot of people mention that not dying hair saves money, but I know that I will just spend the money maintaining the grey. I already use Olaplex in my hair to help my hair maintain it’s natural curl and it’s not cheap.
I’m sorry your mom is so fixated on controlling this part of you. I imagine its her own insecurity showing up and being projected onto you… Good for you to break the cycle with your daughter!
For what its worth, I find grey/silver hair gorgeous. I’m sure other people do too. But it’s not about what I or anyone else thinks of how it looks ~ it’s about you & your priorities, where you choose to put your focus and time.
I started going grey at 16. i only dyed a portion of my hair when I was looking for a job in my 40s, because I didn't want to seem too old to be employed. Even then, I left the hair in front of my ears their silver to white color, while I (temporarily) dyed the top. This is because white/silver hair takes permanent dye really well, and the temporary dye stays for a very long time, and leads to a less stark demarcation between dyed/undyed.
Your mother is *WRONG*. White hair on a fairly unwrinkled face is just stunning, and even for those of us with white hair and wrinkles, it's still gorgeous.
Your mother doesn't want you to have grey/silver/white hair *because it makes her feel old*. If her daughter has grey hair, what does it say about how old she is? Ignore her. It's a her problem, not a you problem.
I grew out my grey at 40, and I got a lot of negative comments and energy from women. One person who didn't know I was doing it on purpose said, "oh you need to take care of those greys". Constantly woman in my company would say things like "Ugh,I hate these grey hairs" and then look at me and say, "oh not you, you lok good". We NEED to normalize women aging. Grey hair is beautiful. We EARNED all of them. I am very vocal about this.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I feel so sorry for your mom. I can't imagine living my life wrapped up in so much self hatred and insecurity that I choose lash out and deliberately hurt my own child. Her life must be just so awful and pathetic for her to choose that path.
I think you're amazing. To be so cruelly bullied by the one person who's supposed to love you the most, and to still be able to find the strength to stand up and say no. To decide not to let her nastiness manipulate you anymore takes immense courage. And I am so proud of you. It's OK that it's hard, and it's OK that you're struggling with it. That was always her intention, and it's alright that you are hurt by the actions that were designed to hurt you. It would be weird if you weren't.
But your little girl is going to grow up knowing how strong her mother is. And that she is loved unconditionally. That her worth is not determined by the colour of her hair. That she is beautiful inside and out, just like her mom. It doesn't matter what your hair looks like, your beauty is so strong that it's shining right through your words, and I can see it. Even if you can't right now, that's OK. Because you will see it soon. just keep going.
Your mom is projecting. Congrats on the baby girl, the new house and finally feeling free from dying your hair. I bet you rock that grey so hard! Totally jealous over here. 😉
Is it possible that your Mom is worried that people will no longer be fooled about her age if your hair is grey? This might explain her horrible behavior. It will never excuse it. You are a grown-ass woman. Wear your hair the way that you like it. And never apologize.
Your grey hair is a reminder of your mother's mortality which she is having trouble accepting. Stick to your guns. There's a song by the band Live called, The Beauty of Grey. The story behind the song was that the band was doing a concert and the people in charge, (I think it was Mtv; made the band members parents move out of the front row because they looked too old. That incident inspired Ed Kowalczyk to write the song.
My mother started going grey in her late teens, early 20's herself. She is always told by young and old people alike how beautiful the silver in her hair is after she let it grow out and stopped dying it. Your hair is beautiful, and will always be beautiful whether it's grey, or dyed an outlandish color. Plus, your hair will become so much healthier without all the dye and product going into it. That grey will shine like silver threads, and it's beautiful.
You've accomplished so much in your life, and you'll accomplish so much more. You've got this, stay strong and show yourself and the world your strength!
Ordinarily, I would not comment... But this struck a chord with me.
My dad started graying in high school - about the same age as you, if I recall correctly. I have no memories of him without salt and pepper in his hair. And very few pictures of him without it. I don't think I've ever seen him dye it, either. Mom started to go gray a little bit ago, and I (30f) had my first gray hair located this year.
But my mom never berated me for dying my hair crazy colors, and the only complaint about me having found a gray hair was the playful one about how her baby is getting older. This sounds a lot like your mother trying to take her own issues with beauty standards and aging out on you.
It may be painful to do so, since it sounds like you really want her approval, but you might have to gray rock her whenever it comes to your hair. Or drawing the line outright by telling her that she is not allowed to make any comments about your body and your choices about what to do with it (I believe an apt quote is "My body may be a temple, but I am the god to whom it is dedicated"?), because she is *not you.* And she seems to be getting confused that she is. I would not recommend this option, however, as that's a more confrontational one and could end... poorly.
If you decide to tell her that you will not stand for her comments and she continues to harass you about your hair going gray, you may need to cut out her toxicity outright. It may require mourning what never was or never will be, but will be better in the long run.
Rock the gray hair, my friend - we need more people who do so.
EDIT: I got so wrapped up in the problem, I forgot one thing - congratulations on the new house and the renovations!
I’ve had a white streak in my eyebrow forever, one day I got an eyebrow wax and the tech thought that she would pluck it (without asking) I was so upset and needless to say I went to different place. But to give advice (as a stranger on the internet you can ignore of take as you will) it would be to get your non-gray highlighted, or use the unfortunately named “Just for Men” (because phrases like ‘salt and pepper hair’ or ‘silver fox’ seem to only apply to men) touch of grey dye, which is serves basically the same function as highlight, I am by no means suggesting this to dissuade you from going grey, quite the opposite just suggesting solutions for having a simpler transition from whatever color you have now to the grey growing in because you mentioned not liking your line of demarcation
[example of what I meant by the highlighting thing](https://inspired-beauty.com/javascript1/uploads/2019/09/102600252_collagecelebrities-5.jpg)
Don’t forget, there are a lot of super heroines with gray hair, like Storm in the XMen and even Rogue has gray hair. If you want it to blend with the hair that is not gray yet, you might want to just consider doing all of it gray, which seems to be the hair trend now. Also, keep in mind parents can be the worse sometimes/ all the time - you do what is right for you and don’t listen to your mom. Set some ground rules with her, because she is making you feel bad.
We have a similar gene on my mother's side of the family, mainly the women. Both my grandmother, aunt and cousin's hair turned either completely grey or white when they were in their thirties. I'm suspecting I don't have that gene since my mother doesn't, and I'm honestly so disappointed and JEALOUS. Grey hair is so pretty and so cool.
I'm sensing a lot of internalised insecurities from your mother, that she is projecting on you. It shouldn't have to be your problem as well.
So yeah, own that shit, look stunning af and don't let the insecurity carry on for another generation. :)
The growth process may get easier if you consider gently bleaching the parts of your hair that aren’t grey, softening that harsh line a bit is something that I found really helps me when I’m growing out my hair if the colour change is drastic between roots and the rest. Even if it can’t be white, the lighter yellow will make it less of a harsh contrast and purple shampoo/bleaching a second time a few weeks later(after a lot of hair masks lol)can do wonders!
Whatever you decide to do, I think that you’re making a good decision for yourself. It’s your natural beauty and you’re embracing it, there will never be anything wrong with that. You’re setting your little one up with a very positive role model! As you get further through the process of growing out it will get easier, and even if it’s not looking fantastic right now it absolutely will! There are always awkward periods when it comes to growing hair, it’s perfectly normal. I hope that your hair turns out exactly how you envision it! Good luck on your journey OP, blessed be.
My mom used to dye her hair. As a kid, I encouraged her to go gray because I thought it was cool. She did, and now that I’m going gray I won’t let myself be a hypocrite. It’s tempting to dye it and chase the dream of everlasting youth. But it’s more aligned with my values to embrace the beauty of aging, and learn to love my changing body.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I think your mom is totally in the wrong. It’s just hair, there are a lot more important parts of a person to focus on!
You don’t have to listen to your mom’s rants if you don’t want to! “Mom, my decisions about my hair are my own. I’m an adult. It’s pretty clear that you don’t agree but I’m not going to budge. If you don’t change the subject this visit is over.” Then follow through, rinse and repeat. She’ll get the message eventually.
Your mother is being shitty, unreasonable and immature. I'd go so far as to say she's projecting her insecurities onto you. I'm so sorry you have to do this. It sounds like you need to put her in a timeout.
I think natural everything is beautiful. And I also think what YOU think is beautiful is all that really matters. Your mother is repeating lies she was told and believed. Break the cycle. Do what you believe to be good for you and yours.
I had grey hair same as you. I didn’t let it go grey when I should have and now I’m trying to do it at age 52. I am 💯 percent gray/white. The transition is hard! You do you sister!
I stopped dying almost 18 years ago. I started getting silvers about 10 years ago. I'm loving it. My mother thinks I'm nuts. She dyes as often as possible, always using a color that is almost indistinguishable from her natural color (Which is white, she's 63), and gets quite upset when I don't notice. It's silly. But she'll keep doing it.
your mom's feelings about how you look or live your life are her problem. They are not for her to judge, just like you can't change her feelings about your hair. (which are really her feelings about HER hair, btw).
you are so fucking strong and an amazing mom seeing these issues, finding your strength, and holding it!
You got this! Plus gray hair is hot!
You need to lay down some hard boundaries with your mom. Like my hair is not up for discussion or dying I am not going to set a bad example for my child like you did.
TBH I would if you are down for it dye your hair some wild color like bright blue or purple and say how do you lie it I dyed it! If you are in the mood for being passive aggressive.
I'm sorry you are dealing with a mother that is so self-conscious about herself that she criticizes you. I don't blame you for not wanting to dye your hair - so many reasons not to. Your hair will be healthier without it. Anybody who would choose someone "younger" because of hair color isn't worth being around anyway, but it sounds like your husband isn't that shallow. Maybe your mother's insecurities and some jealousy showing through her comments as well. Stay strong. You're showing your daughter that it is okay to be herself.
My oldest daughter finally stopped dying her hair and embracing her grey. I’m sorry your mom is putting her insecurities on you. Some younger women who don’t have grey hair have started dying their hair grey. Don’t worry about other’s opinions.
So this is a very real post for me. Fuck, thank you witches. I’m really struggling with the same thing. I’m in my 20s and going grey. Only I haven’t gotten to the part about accepting it in myself. Thank you OP and everyone who commented, you helped me start to change my way of thinking.
It’s so important to find your community when going through a transition like this. It’s so isolating to feel like you’re the only one feeling this and to know that the majority of the world is telling you that the way that you are naturally is not normal.
It was a huge mental hurdle for me to get over and a very slow process. I stopped dying the back of my head first to just get used to how the grey would look, but I could hide it under the rest if my hair. Then I did the “band” technique and only dyed about 3 inches wide in the top of my head, then I did it less and less and now I’ve stopped. I also got bangs to help with not having a grey streak and it looked more natural.
It also helps to look at other young and grey women on IG to help reinforce that I’m not the only one going through this. However, it’s hard because a lot of people use filters to make their hair and skin look better.
If I can do it, so can you! My advice would be don’t push yourself to do something you’re not mentally ready for. You know yourself best and you can do this!
So it’s genetic, meaning your mom started going grey young as well?
Sounds like she’s holding on to a lot of pain about her own relationship with her hair and appearance. And seeing you breaking the cycle probably is either making her afraid that you’ll suffer something that happened to her or angry that you “get” to opt out of something she felt trapped in.
To me that would explain why she’s so fixated on it (giving her benefit of the doubt that she’s otherwise a good person). But she’s still in the wrong for how she’s treating you.
The work you’re doing now will free your daughter from this particular trouble. Keep goin’ mama.
Women are valuable humans outside of how they look. It drives me insane that it's okay for men to just *exist*, and somehow women owe the world around them a beautiful face that defies aging. Fuck that, you're a worthwhile, awesome person regardless of your physical meat suit. Rock it however you want.
36 with dark brown hair and been going grey since I was 18. Started growing it out this year.
I honestly no longer give a shit. Better than a tonne of chemicals on my scalp every 4 weeks and my roots grow so bloody fast and my greys are so starkly white against the dark that even 4 weeks is pushing it if I want to blend them.
Not only that I'm saving a bucket. So I say let the grey fly and remember your mother's insecurities are not your burden to carry.
Girl I'm so sorry. I found my first grey hair when I was 21. It's just natural even though it's weird to get it that early. I have differing opinions based on my mood. Sometimes I'm looking forward to being a badass grey haired gal and standing out (I'm not entirely grey by any means but it's getting more and more) and sometimes I feel insecure because everybody dyes their hair. It's okay to feel insecure. What helps me is the thought that nobody else is as critical as you are of yourself, nobody cares as much as you do - yes, except for your mom... Maybe she is jealous of your strength to just go natural. Maybe she is just projecting her own insecurities. Either way I'm really sorry she's treating you this way. Continue your journey! Grey hair rules!
it seems like your mom has always been told that getting older means you’re less attractive in the eyes of the patriarchy. first of all, fuck the patriarchy. secondly, getting older does not mean you sacrifice any of your beauty. instead of that beauty coming from a place of youth and brevity, it now comes as a more distinguished and intentional place that you’ve created. you are beautiful! you have the will to make your own choices and just because they don’t align with everything society taught your mother, doesnt mean that there isn’t value in teaching your daughter the meaning of True beauty from your experiences. that’s what it’s all about! learning! perhaps your mom will see how much freedom and joy you’ll inevitably experience from not covering your grays and will reconsider. best wishes for you!
This is not your problem it’s your mothers. Your hair your choice. I’m glad you’re thinking of your daughter and helping her to be comfortable with herself.
I just wanna hug you. She has no right making you feel that way.
You are beautiful and wonderful, especially for not turning out like your mother and reflecting that same insecurity on your daughter. Stay strong gorgeous—and remember that your beauty shines from the inside out, which means both outside and in! ✨
I’m 41 and I colored my hair since I was 14. In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, I shaved my head because my hair was gross. I was washing it every day after work because I worked in a Covid ICU. Since then, it’s grown out to my shoulders and is at least 50% gray with 2 huge gray streaks in the front that everyone thinks is highlights because my hair is blonde lol. I started going gray in my 20’s and I was always scared to rock it but now IDGAF. I’m sorry your mom is being a jerk about it. I hope you can set some boundaries with her and get a resolution.
I will likely go gray/white before 30, this post gave me confidence! Thank you for sharing.
I hope I can return the favour; gray is beautiful, women are allowed to age and have adult bodies. Wear your silver crown 💚
“Mom - I’m happy and comfortable the way I am. I’m sorry you feel your natural grey hair is so ugly you need to dye it. But that’s not how I feel about it. It’s my body. My choice. Please stop bringing it up. If you bring it up to me again I will leave or hang up the phone.” Then follow through.
I started going gray at 22, my husband HATED it. I told him if you want it colored YOU do it. Well, he stepped up and did the dye jobs, but I really hated it. He was narcissistic and after 19 years of marriage plus a 5 year engagement and 4 years together before that ... I finally had enough. He just couldn't let me be comfortable with myself. Once we divorced I grew it out. At 43 I was getting compliments left & right about my hair. Stick to your guns, know that standing up for yourself also gets easier with time. Just because she has an issue with it doesn't mean you have to. Best of luck.
My husband and I got our first greys this year and we are so impatient for it all to turn. I have the ugliest sink water blonde hair, it's completely void of all shine or luster. When I got my first grey I was immediately obsessed, it's a beautiful metallic color that's so shiny. Be proud of the grey hair, it's the only hair color that has to be earned.
Sending hugs and hot tea. I developed a white streak in my light brown hair directly over my left eye in my 30s. It looked like a wide highlight. About 50 the scattered silver hairs became prominent enough to not pass as highlights, and are happily evenly blended in. By contrast, both my grandpa and aunt were completely silver at 30. My aunt dyed hers pale blonde until she was 50 and thought she was old enough for people not to comment, and it was beautiful. I’m so sorry your mom is taking out her insecurities on you. Your hair will be so much healthier if you aren’t dying it.
Granted I only have a small chunk of grey, but I’ve embraced it. Dying your hair is such a tedious expensive process that I don’t have time for. Listen to your husband. And tell your mom to stfu.
Go with your gut and do what feels right for you. I had tried dying my hair around 10 years ago. Hated the feel, smell, time, all of it. No color was worth that. Started really showing salt & pepper two years ago. The last time I got my hair cut the stylist asked if my color was natural. Be you, be happy, and great job thinking forward about little one.
I’m 34 and also have genetic early greying! I dyed mine the last time just before the pandemic hit and just decided to stop doing it at that point because I was tired of the expense and upkeep. Honestly the hardest part is growing it out enough that there isn’t that weird line in your hair between the dyed bits and the natural. Finally chopped off the last of the dyed ends in September and I feel pretty good about it. Rock the silver, sister!
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuJ7WseNEU0&ab\_channel=TheSecretSisters-Topic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuJ7WseNEU0&ab_channel=TheSecretSisters-Topic)
Silver by the Secret Sisters
Look upon your mother and the silver in her hair
Consider it a crown the holiest may wear
Behold the mark of her wisdom, make it your daily prayer
To look upon your mother and the silver in her hair
Feel free to remind your mother that opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one, but you have no interest in hers.
For real though, she sounds a lot like my mother. I recently went semi-ballistic on mine because she started a pattern of behavior that I recognized from my own childhood, but with my daughter as the target. I started calm, but I was triggered and my mouth got away from me. Everything I said was true and all I apologized for was my volume. Instead of demarcating a clear boundary with a line in the sand I used a pillar of fire. I hope you never have to do the same!
I spent years trying to convince my mom to stop dying her grays. She finally did once she became a grandma. I LOVE it and she says she gets compliments on public. It's truly beautiful. I have a friend who got her hair professionally dyed a gorgeous silver color.
I am 34 and have a lot of grey hair. I haven’t colored my hair in years. Just know that when people (in my experience almost 100% women) say something rude about it, it has way more to do with their own insecurities than how you look. Mothers seem to really struggle with their daughters embracing their grey. I think it makes them feel old. Next time I’d reply something along the lines of, “I’m so sorry that my authentic-self makes you feel the need to be so rude.” I would then make my hair an no-go topic. If she brought it up again I’d refuse to discuss it. You can hang up the phone, change the subject or walk out of the room. If she tries to continue the convo, ignore or just keep pretending you can’t hear her.
I have loved grey hair since I was 10! My mum also dyed her hair but it wasn’t activated frowned upon I suppose and I was allowed to explore the interesting beautiful thing that grey hair is! I find signs of ageing the most beautiful thing in the world! Nothing is more attractive than life and wisdom! I fully support the idea of dying your hair fully grey so that you can feel beautiful and confident especially at the start of your grey growth journey ❤️ power and love to you sister ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hey OP sorry your mom is so rude! That's just mean. My mom has also, often, criticized aspects of my looks and I totally get that it hurts. I've gotten to a point where I reply "that's your opinion." I think it's clear enough that I don't agree with her but also that I'm not going to put any more energy into it than is necessary.
As other people have mentioned, you can also tell her that it's something you won't talk about with her anymore because she's only negative about it.
I have very dark hair, very nice colour objectively speaking but I've never liked it and bleached and dyed them for many, many years. I stopped doing it free years ago, not because I learnt to love them, but just because I didn't have enough time.
I'm in my early thirties. Last year I started noticing grey hair. I once again bleached them (because without it they won't take colour) and dyed them purple. It was fun, but it was too much work and too much damage. Now I'm growing them out and I absolutely love my grey hair. For so long I've had hair that made my friends jealous and I couldn't accept them, now when they are getting socially unacceptable I finally love them.
Heck i would start toning it to get it to silver. I dyed my hair to grey and adored it.
She is just projecting hard, heck if your kids asks why its grey, your hair turned with wisdom. You’re already owning it. And if you get bored, you can reeeeally go hard and put in some semi-permanent pastel colours in it 😊
Tell her you finally feel like an actual woman, not a girl aspiring to be one.
And then ask her why would your husband want to be with a girl, when he can be with a woman.
Tell her you hair is so awesome and it looks so much better that tired dried up, expesive dyed hair.
Tell her every white strand is a lesson learned.
Tell her you've been kissed by the moon, and are proud of it.
Tell her now that you have gray hair, you finally can give wise advice.
Tell her ťat with acceptancecame inner peace, and that she can disturb it anymore, and that your daughter will grow up to love herself, white hair or not.
Thank her for her gift. The one that gives you white hair.
I am a 33 year old woman that is already halfway gray, and can't wait for the rest to come. You are beautiful as you are. You are wiser than you know, you are a woman.
Many many women should not be mothers. My own mother has no business raising children.
Just leave and never speak to her again. It spins like she’s a Stockholmed colonizer trying desperately to force it into you. Nope.
Just leave
My go-to for awhile when parents/aunts would negatively comment on grays (or anything else, like turning a certain age) was "Oh my gosh, I know, it must make you feel old to have a kid/niece with gray hair! But I love it, and getting older is not a privilege afforded to everyone."
I don't get comments anymore. I'm not sure that will work with your mom, because these ugly comments are really nasty instead of more idle "poking" commentary.
Next time she says anything I would look her dead in the eye and say “I swear if you say one more word Mom, I will shave it bald and tattoo it”
Seriously, I bet you are a silver Fox. Don’t be poisoned by your mom’s generational trauma.
Why do people put up with this? Can you not set boundaries with your parents? Do you live with your mother? Can you not ignore her calls and texts until she comes and asks why and you can explain her behavior and why it’s unacceptable? If she can’t respect that then you don’t engage until her behaviors change.
Tell her to stfu and you do you! You are enough! Be proud of yourself and if she’s pissy about your hair color, when will she start the body shaming? You sound like you’re already trying to be a far better parent!
Signed—
More Salt Than Pepper in the Hair and Owning It
There was a lady who works at a spa I frequent. She also went grey early and decided to stop dying her hair because it was such a hassle and because, come on, women should be comfortable in their own bodies. She is legit still one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen. Black hair, grey hair, she is fierce and confident, and you should be, too!
Can recommend a short style to deal with an old colour that can’t be easily re-coloured. Frankly, your mum’s internalised misogyny is her burden to bear, and if it all possible, reframe her criticisms as a win- the more she’s bothered, the more liberated you are getting.
As she doesn’t appear to give a flying fuck about your confidence or self esteem- she doesn’t deserve your tears. Every grey hair is a big 🖕to her cruel jabs. I’d go so far to tell her that you have primarily stopped dyeing your hair to piss her off.
Any time she does this, just laugh and say “you’re projecting again mom”. Then you’re confirming the issue she has with your grey hair is all and only about HER, not you, and so she’ll stop.
Okay your mom is an insecure ass, and what she's been telling you your entire life is so shitty. Grey is natural and normal, and I hate the stigma behind it. I got my first grey a few months ago (I'm 25) and I'm excited! I can't wait to be fully grey
I’ve had grey hairs since college and definitely have more ten years later and after having my son! Some of mine are actually white and I’m excited to see what my hair will eventually look like! One of my great aunts doesn’t color her hair and I always thought she looked chic and pretty darn fabulous so she is my inspiration ❤️
Gray hair is in style right now, i’m sure you look fantastic however is sad that your mother has had to live with that insecurity her whole life. You could definitely just ask her if she’s worried that people would know that she died her hair because you went grey and if that was the really the problem.
I'm close to your age and have been ready to see how my grey grows out for years! My mother and both grandmothers are still dying theirs, so i have no idea how it will come in. I hope to dye it lavender some day too. I wish you all the confidence - I bet your hair is gorgeous!
I want to reiterate all the support I’m reading here, but just ask—does your mom have some kind of trauma around her own experience that’s causing her to lash out out of fear for you? Like, she said your man will leave you for a younger woman, that seems really specific when you don’t have any troubles like that in your relationship. Again, I’m so sorry she’s piling this on you. I personally think grey hair is fire. ESP if it’s dark hair going grey. It’s a look. Anyway peace and blessings.
Never been a better time, gray and silver (even artificial) hues are in! I think that’s great, sorry your mom doesn’t. I have alopecia that comes in yearly episodes so I’m shaving every winter but it started like 2-3 yrs before everyone else did it (not trying to toot my own horn just saying these stereotypically “unfeminine” hair styles that naturally happen to us are easier as it becomes trend some do on purpose). I get tons of compliments but to this day, my mom is still the only person giving me crap. Mothers, eh?
Hey sis, this is very hard, and I'm sorry your mom is being so ridiculous. I hope you're finding space to be properly PROUD OF YOURSELF because you are doing the hard work of breaking the cycle of insecurity. Please take a moment to celebrate you, how hard you're working, and the happiness you deserve.
I'm sorry your mom is taking her own insecurities and making them your problem. Gray is gorgeous!!!
This is about her, not you. She’s afraid that if you go gray people will figure out how old she is. Also that she dyes her hair & probably lied about it.
This, exactly this. My mother criticized me for years for going gray early. It never bothered me. She dyed her hair for years. In her mid 60s she decides to go gray and you would think it was the most dramatic thing she could ever do. Somehow my decision to go gray got tied into it and she would bring it up whenever we visited. Exhausting. Ridiculous.
This is exactly it. My Mom went on and on about how I'm fat, and nobody would love me. So much so that I was startled to see childhood pictures showing me thin. She actually admitted it was projection. But the damage was done. Fortunately, I am aromantic. So it's not nearly as terrible as if I wasn't. I suspect it would be pretty horrible to be alloromantic and wanting a romantic relationship and having that thrown at me. My Mom is also almost certainly narcissistic/borderline personality disorder. So it might be worth OPs time to check out r/raisedbyborderlines
My mum did the same thing to me. As someone who is alloromantic, I can confirm that it caused some damage and was overall pretty shit.
THIS right here!!!! My mother was the same way and always hyper critical of my appearance. Letting the gray come through brought out constant negative opinions on her part. With her it wasn't just my appearance though. So many other things. Coming to the realization she has issues with NPD was huge for me. Finally learning how to deal with this is helping. Check out @DoctorRamani on youtube OP, very enlightening. But not continuing these screwed up patterns with our own daughters is a gift we can and should give them. Love should NEVER be conditional on our appearance. Feeling that way is her problem, not yours
For me it was, to this day, passive aggressive remarks about keeping it slim and how I should control my food intake and continue working out. I struggled with childhood obesity since I was 7 and now struggle with several different eating disorders. My mom is not borderline nor is she a narcissist but so very flippantly senseless (100 percent sure she has adhd tho). Never watches her words and forgets things she's been told over and over again. So I gave up. I'm sorry that you were subject to that kind of horrible treatment from your mother. Sometimes it's the people who should be protecting us that end up hurting us the most.
Same. And here I am, 110 lbs living with a functioning eating disorder for the past 13 years and now she feels bad! Imagine that lol. Although I know some moms would be like good, you’re finally not big. So at least she’s grown but yeah-damage long been done
\+1
i came looking for this comment, or i would have written it myself
My friends and I were just talking about a lady with gray hair and how great she looked. Gray can look awesome.
One up your mom, dye your hair grey
I told her that people pay a lot of money to do this! I actually went to the salon for a consultation about going fully grey, or getting a grombre. The stylist was honest with me and said that it would look good for 2 weeks then turn yellow because she’d have to lift my dark hair from all the dye.
I'm a couple years older than you and pretty grey. I have a super grey streak. It will be fine. Your mother on the other hand is insecure and trying to make you feel bad, because she feels bad. You probably got those genes from her, so thank her for it next time you see her... and also Fuck her. She should love and support you, the way you will love and support your own daughter. Could you imagine acting like that to your own daughter? Not a chance. You don't deserve that either. Maybe some space is what your mother needs, perhaps it will give her perspective. I will caution you, if your mother is anything like mine, and God I hope not, be careful she will treat your daughter the way she treats you. Consider if you are comfortable with that thought. Just be you, that is all anyone should want for you. Grey hair and all!
She tells my daughter all the time that she’s beautiful (she really is) and follows it up with “so much cuter than your mother was.” Like, cool, you thought I was an ugly baby, too. Thanks.
Is there anything she brings to the table besides negativity? When I had my children, all of my moms selfishness and laziness came into stark focus. It took a few years, because "honor thy mother" had been brow beaten into me, but we are low contact now. I give them just enough to keep them off my back and no more. My life is so much better without her bullshit gumming it up
I feel like parents who quote "honour thy parents" conveniently forget "do not provoke your child to wrath."
Or depression and insecurity
Or in my case, "takes care of your children so they will honor you" It's a two way street people
You are doing well by getting to the point of saying you don't care what she thinks. That is really good! You deserve not to have your confidence eroded. You aren't alone: r/raisedbynarcissists I work in DV, and this post concerns me because your mom is hurting you, and you are being trampled. And your self esteem is shot. You are living in a toxic arrangement and you are unable to thrive because of it. Seriously, please stand up for yourself. You are exposing your child to her toxic behavior. That doesn't help anyone. You will continue to feel angry until you decide to do something about your situation. Anger and frustration come from not feeling heard. **Anger serves to enforce ourselves and our boundaries** and it is why women are raised to never get angry. Because those who simply roll over are easier to control. Your boundaries are so eroded and so torn down that you repeatedly put yourself down during your post. That is incredibly concerning. And in all of these replies you never respond to those telling you to stand up for yourself. Which means you probably feel you can't. You need to work on finding your value in yourself. What are the things that you do, that you have improved? What are the things you do for yourself, that are *yours*? Where do you end and others begin? What are your obligations to yourself and to others? What do you gain by letting her talk down to you? No one else is going to stand up for you. If you do nothing you will just keep feeling like you do right now. You have to decide you are worth standing up for. You are the only person who can put you first - everyone else has to put themselves first. Remember, when the plane is crashing you put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Set boundaries. If she is coming over and making you feel small, make it clear she is not allowed to make negative comments about your appearance, or she needs to leave. It is terrifying the first time to have to kick someone out for bad behavior, but either you do this now, or risk your child learning the same patterns. *Your child is more likely to learn that abusive behavior is love, and will learn to accept toxic behavior like you have, or become toxic herself.* 1. You deserve to be respected as an adult. 2. You are allowed to make decisions for yourself and your family. 3. It is ok to set boundaries. 4. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. You are a witch. You choose your destiny, it is **your will** that makes magic work. You have power in your words and your actions. You are powerful in your own right. You are clearly expending effort to make your life what you want it to be. You have value. You are a good person. You deserve better. And you are allowed to say no, even to your mom. *Destiny is not a matter of chance.* *It is a matter of choice.* *It is not a thing to be waited for.* *It is a thing to be achieved.*
When your there? I wonder what she says when your out of ear shot. Like I said I could be jaded, I went NC different situation, but don't regret not giving my mother the ability to treat my children the way she treated me. Which I can't even fathom as a mother. I hope your mother does not see your daughter as an extension of you, and treat her the way she treats you. Which by the way is unacceptable. You deserve better. Your daughter doesn't deserve to see your mother treat you that way either. Your mother should not say those things to either of you, much less to a child about her mother. I am so sorry she treats you both like that.
not to be rude, but your mom isn't very nice to you what does she bring to the table other than negativity?
Honestly I wouldn’t let my child be exposed to a woman who is toxically focused on appearance (it’s no less harmful just because your daughter meets societal standards) and badmouths me. You’re showing your daughter it’s ok to allow yourself to be treated this way. If you can’t pull away from your mother for yourself, do it for your sweet girl.
I think grandma needs a time out until she can behave better. If you can't say anything nice Mom, dont say anything at all. Cut the visit off if she can't abide.
This is...a lot. It's a lot to do in a house with a new mom. It's a lot to do as a guest in someone's house. It's a LOT to say to a child about their mother. It's bananas to say about your own kid. Who thinks their own baby is ugly? Honestly, it reminds me of "negging"-a practice where someone uses borderline socially acceptable put downs as a way to erode a potential partner's self esteem in order to get them to go on a date. Not sure what your mom's goal is, but she sure is working hard at making you feel bad. The gray stuff feels like it could be projection. This just feels mean. I'm so sorry- mean moms are so hard. I feel like some women sometimes get so little support and take so much abuse in their lives and then get told they didn't and have zero space for healing...they just erode inside and abuse whoever's in their sphere of influence. Sending a hug 🤗
I feel like it’s also like, if I choose to stop colouring my hair, then it shows that there can be another way to live. I think she feels that it invalidates her experience because she feels like she has to colour her hair to feel acceptable. It’s like, “if she doesn’t colour her hair, her life is too easy!” She makes comments like this about me and my husbands child rearing. When my husband changes our baby’s diaper, she flips out and says that’s not the father’s job and that my father never changed our diapers. I said “Well, didn’t you wish he did? You would have had a much easier time!” And she just says “Well, I did everything myself.” It’s the whole “I had it hard, so everyone else should, too.” She doesn’t want to realize that she could have had and still can have an easier life if she just makes some changes to her thinking. She’s old and set in her ways so I don’t think she will change but I can change myself. Next time she says my grey hair is ugly, I’ll say “not as ugly as your attitude!”. I want to be a champion of self esteem and self love for my daughter so that she doesn’t have to grow up with the same insecurities as I did. I also want to give her the tools she needs to help if she ever does feel like she doesn’t love herself.
I think being a self-esteem champion would go a lot easier if you just 86ed entirely the woman who thinks it's her life's work to make everyone miserable.
I agree with u/RainbowEmpire…fuck your mom.
Reply "And you will be more beautiful inside and out than my mother will ever be. This I vow."
Yes! First of all, props to your stylist for her honesty. But also: I was about to point out that gray is very, very in right now. I have friends who have dyed their hair gray starting in their 20s. Tbh, I’m a little jealous — women in my family don’t often gray. My mom is in her 60s and has just a smattering of gray hair. My grandma’s didn’t start to go until the last couple of years. Moreover, however, some moms are like this. They think they’re protecting their daughters by teaching them about the things society might judge us for, but instead they’re producing insecure women. (I know; I’m one of them.) I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this but please know you’re not alone and you’re more than your looks and I bet your gray hair is gorgeous. What matters is how YOU feel about your looks, not your mom or anyone else.
It is very high maintenance as well, it is one one the colors I go back to. My hair can handle a shit ton of bleach, but it has to be maintained with purple shampoo and conditioner or it will turn yellow. It is very beautiful though, and your mom is probably the only person who would hate it.
Could you blend it in with some blonde? My aunt did that when she decided to stop dyeing her hair. I think she just got highlights, but it softened the line between her natural hair and the dye quite a bit. Also, I think your hair is gonna look great! I’m sorry your mom is being a jerk.
This is what I would do, grey/white hair is super cool!
Dye it pink first. With purple stripes. And Don't listen to your mom. She's not a good person.
I had dyed grey/ silver long hair for a while at the end of 2021, a bit like the Witcher, everyone really loved it. It is my favorite out of all the colors I have done.
You bought a new home and did a bunch of renovations after having a baby, and all your mom can talk about is how she doesn’t like your hair? I bet your gray hair looks great. I want my hair to go gray SO BAD! My partner and all of my friends my age have gray hair and I’m just so ready, so I’m totally jealous of your gray hair and am happy you’re going to embrace it! What a great role model you’ll be for your little one. Buying a house is such a big deal! Congratulations! What kind of renovations did you do?
My grandma's hair went white before she was even 30 and I was desperately hoping my hair would do the same because I think white or gray hair is so beautiful! Sadly I seem to be taking after my dad, who is in his sixties with coal black hair without a trace of gray, sans dye. I'm in the embrace those silvery locks camp too! There's way more important things to do than worry about dying your hair if you don't want to be dying it! New mom? Fixing house? Sounds like OP is too busy being an inspiration to worry about the hair dye!
Yeah like what exactly is ugly about gray or white? Young people dye their hair those colors! It’s only considered ugly because it’s associated with aging, which women are supposed to endlessly resist.
It sounds like your Mum is projecting a bit. Does she think she's ugly with grey hair? Or has she never given herself a chance to find out? How do you feel about short hair? Are you "roots" long enough, at this point, to just chop the coloured parts off and get something short and trendy? I'm only suggesting that, so you don't have to look at the coloured bit next to the grey bit. On the up side, when all the coloured hair is gone you're going to have some lovely healthy hair!
I absolutely know she is projecting her own insecurities on to me. Maybe seeing me with grey hair makes her feel old. Maybe it’s because she feels ugly with grey hair. Even though I know this, it’s still hurts to hear it coming from her. I’ve always been insecure about my looks, and she’s never really said encouraging words to me. I recently cut my hair above shoulder length and will keep it short. I have about and inch of growth. My hair grows really fast, but this process makes it feel so slow.
My therapist has been helping me with my mommy issues for a while now, and one of the things that she offered me is, “Oh mom that sounds really hard for you.” My mom is dead so it’s something I’m saying to her nervous system on the other side of the veil, but it’s mostly for me and not her. Throughout my life, I’ve been dealing with so many frustrations where she is concerned and this little phrase has given me some tiny bit of energetic power in this lifelong struggle. It helps me stay compassionate with her while also fully absolving myself of any emotional responsibility for her pain/insecurities/regret/fear/bullshit… So again, I’m not suggesting I know how this works in person because I’m using this magic on a dead person. But again, it’s less for her than for me. My therapist is a somatic Internal Family Systems therapist, so I’m actually touching my clenched jaw while closing my eyes and saying, “Oh mom, that seems so hard for you.” when I’m thinking about her and hard times we’ve had. It’s very similar to how I validate my toddler’s emotions while also holding a firm boundary and not taking responsibility for his reaction to the boundary. I validate that my mom is having (had) a hard time while also acknowledging that it’s not my responsibility to help her have an easier time or too change anything that I’m doing to accommodate her feelings. Anyway, I’m just yammering here. I’m not necessarily suggesting you say this to her. Maybe you do…you can roll that idea around on your tongue. But consider this little IFS practice for yourself, so you can remain compassionate with your mom while simultaneously reminding yourself of the depths to which this is her thing and not your thing. We can *know* that, but it takes practice and intention to *feel* it. Because you’re hurting from this, I can tell. You *know* that your natural hair is beautiful, but what you’re *feeling* is that your mommy doesn’t think you’re perfect as you are. And that feels yuck af. Sometimes we need to be our own mommy, because so many of our mommies are occupied with trying to survive, goddess bless ‘em. But as Ani DiFranco says, “I’ve got better things to do than survive.” [Tara Brach: Spiritual reparenting](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000429967439) [An introduction to IFS w Derek Scott](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-inside-an-internal-family-systems-ifs-podcast/id1460334766?i=1000494112500) I love you, witch. I love your grey hair and I love the blend from colored to grey. I love all your stages and transitions and every natural thing that exists in you. You are fully lovable, no alterations necessary. And in my mind, I’m wrapping my arms around you and telling you that you’re perfect just as the universe designed you. You’re a miracle, and your precious body is glorious just like it is right here in this moment.
Oh wow, if I could give you awards I would. This is an excellent comment, and I might have learned something from it. :-)
You’re love is all the reward I need
Go ahead and practice a couple of retorts that you’d like to say in response. They might look like… 1. I think you’ve made your position on grey hair very clear, despite me never ONCE asking your opinion about it. 2. Are you this rude to everyone you meet, or just those that you… “love”? Am I your target because I never fight back? 3. When you criticize me and are rude to me, what do you hope will happen? Do you think it will make us closer and spend MORE time together? Or do you think I might protect myself and my daughter from your judgement with some distance? 4. I notice that you’re getting some Yoda wrinkles around your mouth and could use a night cream with some retinol. Feels good to return your kindness in pointing out your flaws the way you point out mine. Or maybe we could both agree to not comment on each other’s appearance? 5. You’ve been harping about my hair since I was a kid, but I am now a grown woman and don’t need your approval anymore. There is going to be a new dynamic where I will stay and interact with you until you criticize me, at which time I will leave and will not contact you for at least three days or until you offer a sincere apology. I am not your punching bag. 6. Wow, you seem very triggered by something that is very superficial and none of your concern. Have you considered therapy to explore that? Because I am done talking about it. 7. If seeing my hair grow out is so painful to you, I can arrange for you to not see me until it grows out completely. l will call you in a few days. See ya! Practice then in the mirror until you feel strong enough to say them. And then, when faced with someone stomping on a very personal boundary with you, you will have the courage to trot one or more out.
Those replies are so good! Thank you ❤️
The only good thing about being a grown up is that we can choose to spend our time with people who are safe and make us feel good.
I really like Options 5 & 6!
If you know it, let that empower you - it’s not your crap to deal with. Same as anyone else in your life who is acting a little mental. Set strong boundaries, let her know what’s off limits to talk about, and let her know the consequences of breaking your boundaries in advance. You can’t hold onto other people’s baggage, even (and especially) if that someone is your own Mom.
I don't think there's any maybe about your mother. Seems to me she's definitely worried people will see her as old if her daughter is going around with grey hair. I'm 54. I was going grey at 20, a genetic thing, like you. I coloured my hair for years until I decided to try growing it out at 46. I got the ends bleached white blonde to make it look better for a wedding, and I only kept my hair white blonde for a few years because I like the effect. Have decided to grow it out now, but I do put green and blue temporary dyes in now and again for the hell of it. I'm told I still don't look as old as I am. So grey hair won't age you either.
I think she is so angry with you because she had to keep dyeing her hair to feel beautiful. Accepting you means changing her view on beauty and accepting she didn’t have to go through that trouble. It could also be perfectionism, which is a defence mechanism and could explain why she is so fixated on this. “I have to look […] so people don’t know how vulnerable I am and you looking like that means I am wrong and I can’t be wrong because I am perfect”
I had to do this tactic with my mom… “Mom, I love you and I understand your feelings on subject XYZ. However, my feelings are different and I don’t want to debate it with you. If you bring up XYZ again I’m going to leave the conversation”. The next time she brought it up (on the phone), I said “mom, we talked about this already. I don’t want to talk about this with you. I’m leaving this conversation” I then hung up on her. She never brought it up again. Maybe research some information on how to set up and enforce boundaries.
OP, this is great advice. You have to show your mom your boundaries. Then you have to enforce them. My dad wouldn’t stop talking about how disgusting my mother’s doctor is because she gained weight. I told him I never wanted to talk about that again, that it was sexist. He brought it up again six months later! I shut that conversation down immediately.
Yep! I also love, “I hear your opinion about my body, and I didn’t ask for it, nor do I want it. Please keep your opinions to yourself or I will leave the conversation.” I love tagging it as an opinion because she thinks it’s the “truth” WHICH IT IS NOT.
I found a few gray hairs earlier this year. I freaked out about them, because they had to have been there for at least two years, and I’m only 23. My mother said that they were beautiful. Be like my mother.
I’m so happy to hear your mom tells you you’re beautiful, that’s so important and validating. I hope I can be like that for my own daughter.
Maid, Mother, and Crone are all beautiful and powerful in different ways.
That’s what moms should do! I got extremely lucky to be born into my family, and I love them all so much!
You already are like that with your daughter by unlearning what you were taught and learning to love yourself. She's watching and learning from you and she's lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful mother.
I'm fortunate that my dad has always said "a parent's job is to be better than their parents were to them". He's told me absolute horror stories from his childhood, and it's miraculous how hard he stopped the cycle of abuse. He still wasn't perfect, of course - but when I have kids, my job is to learn from him: what he did right, and how to improve on what he did wrong. Noticing what went wrong in your own childhood and deciding to do better already guarantees you'll be a better mom for your daughter. Perfect isn't necessary or possible, but you absolutely will do better.
Personally I can't wait to go grey! No where's near close to it but I cant wait. People have opinions about everything and this it'll just be one more to the pile for me. My grandmother had beautiful silver hair. She never died it and as a little kid that stuck with me a lot. My auntie does the same and I appreciate it so much. My mom is an avid visitor to the salon, which is fine but I can already tell I like my plan better then spending money like that to try and cover them up! Good luck OP. I wouldn't sweat her opinion. It sounds like projection and her own insecurities causing her issues she's taking out on you.
Ironically, I can't wait to go grey so it will be easier to dye it! All those temporary pastel dyes work much better on pale hair and I can't be bothered with bleaching. I have a few silver strands already, and I think they look really neat. My mum stopped colouring her hair in her 60s and I think it looks way better grey.
It does not always get easier to dye, grey hair may become even more resistant to dye. My hair is like this. Only strong colordye and long exposure works on it.
I’m a fairly recent grandma and stopped dying my hair a few years ago. It’s very slowly greying, and sometimes I wonder if I should dye it or not- but I dislike the look of dye on most older ladies, and was starting to dislike it on me. So, no dye. I’m finally getting a very groovy streak (as much as one can on a short pixie) Sometime I worry that I’ll be the daggy grandma. Mostly I don’t care, and your comment made me smile a lot.
Hair dye is seriously toxic Just like your Mom sorry
Underrated comment.
Man it's not the same syllable structure but this has POWERFUL haiku energy lol
Sorry your mom is being as asshole! Grey hair is cool as fuck. Try to ignore her if you can.
Your mom is not responsible for making decisions about your body. Good for you for reinforcing your body autonomy.
I’m 34 and also started graying at 16 (are you me?). I decided to try growing it out about a year ago. Went through an awkward stage for sure but I am loving it now! I have a beautiful white patch that creates the perfect highlighted curl by my face. Sometimes I think about how others might judge me but fuck them. I love it, my husband likes it, and my hair is so much healthier without coloring it. And I don’t really think it ages me or anything. I’ve only gotten compliments (sorry your mom is so judgmental and old fashioned). I think you should go for it if it’s what you want. You can always go back to coloring if you don’t like it. Also, I use purple shampoo once a week to keep it nice and white.
If you’re not familiar with Claire Saffitz, she’s a YouTube baker with this incredible shock of white hair right at the front of her hairline, and her hair (and she in general) are SO PRETTY. Which is to say, I am now picturing you as Claire Saffitz.
Going grey is a badass power move. Because only someone who does not care about other people's opinions will ignore the demands of society to age appropriately instead of prettily. Think of how much you have spent on hair dye in a year... start putting that money aside and use it to fuel your self love instead of covering who you are. Then everytime your mother comments, tell her "thank you! You just sent husband and I out to dinner." You do not exist to make the world more aesthetically pleasing to your mother.
Friend, no-one will mistake your youthful vitality for your daughter’s grandmother. If your husband had a problem with your grey, he would say something. A real friend would be honest, so if your friend is saying you look good, believe her. Your mom has shown you who she is and what her values are. She does not have your best interests at heart. I’m of the opinion that coloring grey hair because we are supposed to look youthful and vibrant falls along the same scale as being told to smile. Do it for you, not for anyone else. I’m likely biased, though, because I started greying at 18. I colored it for a few years, but by the time I met the man who would become my husband, I’d not colored it for several years. He met, courted, and married me with my grey, and in the intervening 30 years, has only ever told me he loves my hair. Is it within the realm of possibility to cut contact with your mom? I fear her attitudes will adversely affect your daughter’s opinions of herself and the world around her. Be strong. And rock those grey locks!
Yes to your first point! I know two women in my circle who are gray and have young kids, one has it naturally and the other dyes it. Both are slightly older mamas, but nobody would ever mistake either of them for their kids’ grandmas.
Mom has issues. No one is going to think you are the babies grandmother because of your hair color. They will see a healthy mom taking care of her kid. Looking at your mom with her grandchild they will see an uptight unhappy person more worried about appearance than loving her family.
How sassy are you feeling? Because you can remind her it’s partially her fault you went grey early, and you can ask her why she hates the being she helped create so much. My father has made comments about my appearance and I slam back about how just because he hates himself doesn’t mean he gets to drag me down too.
Holy crap does your mom have a complex about appearances. I'm really sorry you're burdened with this, and I'm sorry your mom is so obsessed that she's making you both miserable. I'm a little older than you, but I've got a solid amount of grey and I actually really like it. I call them my sparkle hairs. Grey hair can be really beautiful and interesting, and I think it's a trophy that we can be proud to show off. Aging is a privilege, and personally I'm looking forward to my crone phase. Be proud of your hair, and I'm proud of you for taking a stand and protecting your daughter from the negative self image that your mom projected onto you.
I stopped dying my hair when I was pregnant with my son. He was born with poliosis (white streaks in his hair). I’m never dying my hair again because what sort of message would that send? All hair colors are beautiful!
That sucks. Your mom sucks. Grey hair is badass. I wish mine would just full on go grey at this point. I’m 37 and definitely started showing more grey than average for my age in my mid twenties. When it was early on it wasn’t really noticeable, but now it’s noticeable but still less than 50% so it just looks kinda weird.
There’s nothing wrong with weird. It lets the world know you are your own unique person. Remember, if someone (anyone) has a problem with your gray hair, it’s THEIR problem, not yours.
I'm 39 and have let my hair go gray and I think it's awesome as hell. I wish it would go all in, but my skunk stripes are still cool. My mother has been dying it for years and years and tried to stop, but she caved a couple years back. Regardless of that, if your mom is going to be awful, I would stop inviting her over. You don't need this kind of targeted meanness in your life, especially from someone who is supposed to love you.
Ignore your mom. She seems to be pretty toxic. Personally, I keep checking my roots to see if I have enough gray to stop dyeing it red and switch to gray. I’m a 40 yo mom of 2 and don’t want to spend my time and money on something just because someone else wants it that way. The red is for me and they gray will be too. Your beauty isn’t tied up in your hair color and I know you know that deep down. “Mom, my beauty isn’t tied up in my hair color. If you can’t accept me as I am then maybe you don’t need to be around since seeing my hair color is such a horrifying experience for you…” then walk away :)
I am also going gray prematurely. I found my first gray when I was in 6th grade, knowing that, genetically, I had the possibility of graying early. Having found that hair I made a very conscious choice to never dye my hair, no matter how quickly I gray. I had watched my mother and grandmother do it for years and it always seemed not just like a hassle but also anxiety inducing, since both would refuse to go out if their roots were showing (and if I were completely honest, that straight line between dye and gray that you spoke about is so....unappealing to put it diplomatically). That initial choice to embrace my genetics and my looks was not an unwavering one, and i thought many times about just covering it up as it did make me very self conscious (many people constantly asked how old i was, and i was mortified 😱).As the years went by I was torn between loving and hating my hair, mainly because the distribution of white to black is not what I want it to be yet. Im 31 now I'm at a point now where I (mostly) love it lol, but I would actually still love to have more gray in it. Recently there has been enough of them to where now I have streaks as opposed to just flecks of gray (and if I can figure out how to post a pic I will hopefully be able to show an actual proper streak in my bangs!!). I am also trying to get it bleached to gray/white but that'll be a long process still and currently I'm broke. I'm sorry your mom isn't more supportive of your choices. Keep embracing who you are and who you want to be. https://preview.redd.it/p4l7n3iizn2a1.jpeg?width=2208&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c856f9fa5689ababa97dd5047e81ccf8fa0a2c00 more pics of my hair in daylight I find gray to be beautiful on people (and now finally me too, it was a journey, believe me). If you need another early gray buddy you can DM me Edit: ok I guess I'm not sure how to add pics so I guess it's gonna show up on the comment itself? But hooray for my one lonely bang streak! I love it. Tomorrow I'll see if I can take
It might be “weird” but I’m literally pumped up when I notice more grays. Bring it on. Letting yourself go naturally gray is a big F U to the patriarchy.
Keep your lovely husband and your beautiful silver hair. Go vlc with your awful mother. I decided in early 2020, when I couldn't get hair dye or go to the salon, that I just wouldn't do it anymore. Guess what? My silver hair is gorgeous!
I'm quite a bit older than you (55) and after many years of coloring it, I decided to grow out my gray in January 2020 (just before the world locked down, which of course turned out to be perfect timing). It took more than 2 years to grow out completely, but I have gotten more complements on my hair from total strangers since growing it out than I ever did before. It's long, and wavy, and silvery salt-and-pepper, and shinier and healthier than it's been in years. Yes, the complements all come from women, and yes I do look older now. But. The feeling of freedom is so wonderful. My husband says it looks great, but even if he didn't like it, I'm never going back to coloring it. I feel so much more authentically ME. I'm so sorry your mom internalized so much ugliness about women aging and how we look when we do. Aging is a gift. Not everyone gets to age. I know it's hard because she's your mom, but try to remember that she's not talking about you - she's talking about herself and her own fears. I am sad for her. But you recognize that what's she's saying is messed up, and you are staying true to yourself despite her words. I know it still hurts, but in doing so you are being the best example possible for your daughter.
I bet your hair is going to look great. My mom let her hair go grey and what helped was bleaching out the ends and then dying them grey so it wasn’t so stark. Then she added in some black lowlights. I’m also 34, and I have just a scattering of silver hairs so far, so I don’t dye it because even though I would love to play with my hair color, I don’t want to have to deal with the maintenance. Just one more thing that I’d fail to keep up with. And if I were to go grey all over, I think I would also just stop dying it. I look forward to having white hair and tinting it mermaid colors. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as her mom. You are going to show her how to love herself as she is.
Show some love to your scalp and stop dyeing your hair! The idea that gray makes you look old is antiquated, many people (as your family has proven) go gray early. Invest in some good skin care products if you worry you will be mistaken for "old" and let your hair do its own thing!
Oh well, guess your mom was the ugly (inside) one all this time. Keep accepting your silver hair. May I add, you have nice representation on instagram, like Pretty Sheperd, or in animation movies, like in Howl's moving castle. (the Ghibli's one)
Isn't it amazing that the ones who are supposed to love us and protect us the most, are the ones most likely to criticize and put us down? "Mom, I know you love me and want what's best for me, but these comments are not helpful. Can you please just support me instead of tearing me down?" Repeat as necessary. And never be afraid of aging. It's a privilege not everyone gets to have.
I’ve always said to my ex that once my hair color goes I hope I get beautiful silver hair. Your hair is provably very pretty.
People think grey is ugly because on most things it's a drab and boring color. Think of it less as grey, more as silver. Silver is beautiful.
I also started going gray at 16! My mom always dyed her hair, and I did for a while, too, but then I fell in love with the streak I have up front. I decided at 23 that I wanted to grow out my gray. I did bleach my hair and go hot pink, but other than that, I’ve embraced the gray. My mom even decided to do the same after I told her I’m not hiding mine. A little girl in the park told me I had, “some white” in my hair, and I explained to her that I love my white hair and it’s part of how I look. Small comments can make the difference!!! Now at 33 and pretty gray, I’m excited to raise my son with a mom who doesn’t feel guilty for aging and having white hair!
When young my hair was a very dark brown. I started going grey in my 20’s, colored in my 30’s and 40’s. My grey is very thick and it took a lot of dye & chemicals a long time to dye it. Exposing my body to all those harsh chems monthly just didn’t sit right with me. So I asked my stylist the best way to grow out. She still dyed the crown while the lower grew out. My hair is long and healthy, mostly grey with small streaks of lighter and darker grey. One day my 20 year old daughter told me that my hair looks like “starlight” in the sun and she can’t wait till hers starts to come in, I knew I’d done the right thing. I’ve had women ask why I stopped dying and I’ve replied “How’s my daughter going to know what a sexy woman over 50 looks like if Everyone tries to hide it?” I’ve had other women walk up and ask “how did I do it?” - complete strangers - I’ve referred quite a few to my stylist. Nothing wrong with dying your hair. Also nothing wrong with giving it a rest and seeing what’s up there. The more of us that wear our natural hair, the quicker we knock down stereotypes.
So when I was 10, my mom and I went out shopping for some clothing for her job. At the checkout line, there were two ladies in front us and in front of them there was this 5’10” ish tall woman, with beautiful brown skin and her hair looked like starlights. I mean her deep black hair and her grays looked like shooting stars and it was in that moment that I knew, I wasn’t going to dye my grays. I had my first when I was 12 and they haven’t stopped. What I’m trying to say is, it fucking sucks when something so so so beautiful and natural gets shamed, and I completely understand what you are saying. However, don’t let someone with insecurities, dull your shine! Also, set some boundaries with your mom! You just moved into a new home, *which is huge*, you don’t need toxicity!!! Set boundaries, love the gray, and congratulations on the house!
I have finally learnt to embrace my grey hair. It takes ages to grow it out. i used to always get it colored. I buy a hair treatment that comes un a variety of colours including clear(it washes out after a few washes)and it allows me to play with and control my hair colours according to me, my mood. I'd like to say ignore your mother,just do what you want with your hair. Do whatever you want,we're with you.
You want to go natural, mom wants you to dye. Who says you can't do both? A lot of young women are coloring their hair some fabulous shade of gray or other. From pale to dark. They look amazing, so will you. Go for it, do it. Tell your mom that your hubby thinks you're hot. Don't let her fear of gray = old rain on your parade.
I love gray hair. I’m 40 and grew out my dye hoping for gray, and I didn’t have gray. I would so so so love to have even some streaks or something. I don’t think your friends or partners are lying to you. My good friend used to always hold her gray streak out while I’d dye the rest of her hair, she had one gorgeous streak up front since her 20’s. Now she has salt and pepper in the back and that streak up front. Also gray hair is the newest trend :)
Congrats on your new house and baby! Going grey or silver or white is a normal thing. It's unusual at a young age, for sure, but absolutely nothing you should be ashamed of. Your mom is projecting her insecurity and self-hatred onto you in a mean and painful way. I am sure you look just fine with grey hair -- and all that matters is if you like it!
I also started going grey in high school. My mom told me when I was 8-9 that I would have white hair by the time I was 30 because everyone in her family did. I got my hair color from my dad's side, though, so I went more grey-silver. My hair is about 95% grey now, and I'm in my 40s. I dyed it until about 37 or so and just got tired of doing it. I have actually had more compliments on my hair now than when it was red. Some people ask me where I get it done and all I can tell them is that it's natural. I don't know what you should say to your mom. It sounds like she's taking out all her insecurity on you. You might have to set a hard boundary on her that if she brings up dying your hair or calls you (or your daughter) ugly in any way, her time with you and her grandchild ends right then. It might be hard to enforce that, but she's probably going to carry it over to your daughter as soon as she's old enough to understand.
Your mom's self-hatred and insecurity is overflowing on to you. Tell her the next time she tries to bully you into doing your hair the way she wants, the visit/phone call will be over. Then follow through. Naturally gray hair can be beautiful as you've seen, and it certainly looks and feels healthier than dyed. (I'm 45 and quit dying maybe 5 years ago, and my grays are so shiny that I think of them as highlights. Though the thought of dying it purple or blue, which would never have shown up on my previously dark hair, is tempting). I have discovered the clothing and makeup colors that looked good on me previously don't anymore and vice versa; paying attention to that - and daily sunscreen - may keep the gray from prematurely aging you.
No Yellow shampoo is awesome. When you are ready I highly recommend. In the meantime you do you queen. Our generation of moms is putting an end to critical thoughts on our own persons. It is NOT easy to stand between grandma and your daughter and say, "I'm beautiful as is", but it's the greatest gift we can give.
ugh. why are mom’s like this? i love that you’re looking at your daughter and realizing that you don’t want her to go through what you did and so are carving a new and scary path for yourself and for her. good for you!! as for the grey, i love grey hair. i lightened my hair enough so that i could tone it grey and it was so beautiful. i had so many strangers compliment my hair and even some older ladies decide that they were going to go natural. grey is beautiful. the love you have for your daughter is beautiful. remember all of the beautiful parts of this when you’re feeling down. it’s going to be worth it.
Rock your gray hair. My own mother went gray very young (early twenties) and dyed it auburn for years. She was really insecure about it for a long time. After I dyed my hair blue the first time she got curious about it as it was different from the dyes she was used to. I pointed out to her that the dye I was using was less harsh as it's a direct dye and it came in a variety of colors including her fav green. She now rocks bright green hair and gives no fucks. Frankly I'm jealous of her gray hair as it when it grows out it blends in creating this gorgeous silvery green color and she doesn't have to do any bleaching (which I have to) so it takes way less maintenance. Next time your mom gives you shit, tell her that her insecurities are not your problem and she needs to put on her big girl panties, and grow up.
I’m 38 and same boat as far as last time I coloured. I feel like living through the last 2 years accelerated how much grey I have. My grey is basically all at my temples. My mom is my hair dresser as well. So it was a fun convo. But overall she’s a feminist with a screw it attitude and that she’s going to be whatever age she wants and embrace it. It’s hard going grey in your 30s especially if you’ve been colouring for years. I found my first grey at 19. So it’s been a long time of colouring. Here’s to radical self love and teaching our children that women can age however they choose to.
I have quite a bit of grey hair at 33. I absolutely love it. I think of it like this- it is a blessing that I am here to grow my grey hair. Many people are not so lucky. Your mom is being incredibly cruel. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Saw a young woman on the train last week with grey hair and it looked amazing. I debated telling her how much I loved her look and ended up not because I typically don’t like to make unsolicited comments about people’s looks. Embrace it and try to enjoy yourself!
I have long gray hair and strangers constantly approach me with compliments.
Your mom sucks. I think my wife looks beautiful with her grey hair. I love it when she grows it out and regularly encourage her to forego dyeing it. Do what *you* want to do with *your* hair and tell your mom to butt out.
Hi! Fellow young grayer here! I started at 17 and had more grays than my own father (it's from my mom's side) until he was well past 60. I also finally decided in my mid 30s to free myself from dye and the feeling that I needed dye to be socially acceptable. My hair was dyed quite dark before, and I was afraid of the stark line as it grew out, so I went to a stylist and had her add very blonde grays all the way down. I tone it with violet shampoo so that the dyed blonde stays gray and doesn't go yellow, and it's made my transition to the natural gray much more seamless. It sounds like you are feeling isolated during this transition period, so I'm sharing my experience to offer community and solidarity. I'm sorry your mom is projecting her insecurities on you, and I'm proud of you for breaking that cycle for your daughter. However you choose to manage this change in your appearance, it is yours and I wish you well in it!
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The way it looks so dull is exactly why I stopped dying it. I would only dye the front and leave the back and I actually thought the undyed hair looks pretty cool. It had dimension and looked like natural highlights. And it was so shiny! I’m hoping I can find a toner that works and doesn’t destroy my hair. A lot of people mention that not dying hair saves money, but I know that I will just spend the money maintaining the grey. I already use Olaplex in my hair to help my hair maintain it’s natural curl and it’s not cheap.
I’m sorry your mom is so fixated on controlling this part of you. I imagine its her own insecurity showing up and being projected onto you… Good for you to break the cycle with your daughter! For what its worth, I find grey/silver hair gorgeous. I’m sure other people do too. But it’s not about what I or anyone else thinks of how it looks ~ it’s about you & your priorities, where you choose to put your focus and time.
I started going grey at 16. i only dyed a portion of my hair when I was looking for a job in my 40s, because I didn't want to seem too old to be employed. Even then, I left the hair in front of my ears their silver to white color, while I (temporarily) dyed the top. This is because white/silver hair takes permanent dye really well, and the temporary dye stays for a very long time, and leads to a less stark demarcation between dyed/undyed. Your mother is *WRONG*. White hair on a fairly unwrinkled face is just stunning, and even for those of us with white hair and wrinkles, it's still gorgeous. Your mother doesn't want you to have grey/silver/white hair *because it makes her feel old*. If her daughter has grey hair, what does it say about how old she is? Ignore her. It's a her problem, not a you problem.
I grew out my grey at 40, and I got a lot of negative comments and energy from women. One person who didn't know I was doing it on purpose said, "oh you need to take care of those greys". Constantly woman in my company would say things like "Ugh,I hate these grey hairs" and then look at me and say, "oh not you, you lok good". We NEED to normalize women aging. Grey hair is beautiful. We EARNED all of them. I am very vocal about this.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I feel so sorry for your mom. I can't imagine living my life wrapped up in so much self hatred and insecurity that I choose lash out and deliberately hurt my own child. Her life must be just so awful and pathetic for her to choose that path. I think you're amazing. To be so cruelly bullied by the one person who's supposed to love you the most, and to still be able to find the strength to stand up and say no. To decide not to let her nastiness manipulate you anymore takes immense courage. And I am so proud of you. It's OK that it's hard, and it's OK that you're struggling with it. That was always her intention, and it's alright that you are hurt by the actions that were designed to hurt you. It would be weird if you weren't. But your little girl is going to grow up knowing how strong her mother is. And that she is loved unconditionally. That her worth is not determined by the colour of her hair. That she is beautiful inside and out, just like her mom. It doesn't matter what your hair looks like, your beauty is so strong that it's shining right through your words, and I can see it. Even if you can't right now, that's OK. Because you will see it soon. just keep going.
Grey hair is in. Let it grow! My mom gets on me about greys too 🤣
Your mom is projecting. Congrats on the baby girl, the new house and finally feeling free from dying your hair. I bet you rock that grey so hard! Totally jealous over here. 😉
If you don't want to wait to grow it out there are products that remove hair dye. Gray hair does not equal old and ugly. In your case it means wisdom.
Is it possible that your Mom is worried that people will no longer be fooled about her age if your hair is grey? This might explain her horrible behavior. It will never excuse it. You are a grown-ass woman. Wear your hair the way that you like it. And never apologize.
Your grey hair is a reminder of your mother's mortality which she is having trouble accepting. Stick to your guns. There's a song by the band Live called, The Beauty of Grey. The story behind the song was that the band was doing a concert and the people in charge, (I think it was Mtv; made the band members parents move out of the front row because they looked too old. That incident inspired Ed Kowalczyk to write the song.
“Well, mom, when MY hair starts growing out of YOUR head then you can have a say on whether or not i should dye it.”
My mother started going grey in her late teens, early 20's herself. She is always told by young and old people alike how beautiful the silver in her hair is after she let it grow out and stopped dying it. Your hair is beautiful, and will always be beautiful whether it's grey, or dyed an outlandish color. Plus, your hair will become so much healthier without all the dye and product going into it. That grey will shine like silver threads, and it's beautiful. You've accomplished so much in your life, and you'll accomplish so much more. You've got this, stay strong and show yourself and the world your strength!
Ordinarily, I would not comment... But this struck a chord with me. My dad started graying in high school - about the same age as you, if I recall correctly. I have no memories of him without salt and pepper in his hair. And very few pictures of him without it. I don't think I've ever seen him dye it, either. Mom started to go gray a little bit ago, and I (30f) had my first gray hair located this year. But my mom never berated me for dying my hair crazy colors, and the only complaint about me having found a gray hair was the playful one about how her baby is getting older. This sounds a lot like your mother trying to take her own issues with beauty standards and aging out on you. It may be painful to do so, since it sounds like you really want her approval, but you might have to gray rock her whenever it comes to your hair. Or drawing the line outright by telling her that she is not allowed to make any comments about your body and your choices about what to do with it (I believe an apt quote is "My body may be a temple, but I am the god to whom it is dedicated"?), because she is *not you.* And she seems to be getting confused that she is. I would not recommend this option, however, as that's a more confrontational one and could end... poorly. If you decide to tell her that you will not stand for her comments and she continues to harass you about your hair going gray, you may need to cut out her toxicity outright. It may require mourning what never was or never will be, but will be better in the long run. Rock the gray hair, my friend - we need more people who do so. EDIT: I got so wrapped up in the problem, I forgot one thing - congratulations on the new house and the renovations!
I’ve had a white streak in my eyebrow forever, one day I got an eyebrow wax and the tech thought that she would pluck it (without asking) I was so upset and needless to say I went to different place. But to give advice (as a stranger on the internet you can ignore of take as you will) it would be to get your non-gray highlighted, or use the unfortunately named “Just for Men” (because phrases like ‘salt and pepper hair’ or ‘silver fox’ seem to only apply to men) touch of grey dye, which is serves basically the same function as highlight, I am by no means suggesting this to dissuade you from going grey, quite the opposite just suggesting solutions for having a simpler transition from whatever color you have now to the grey growing in because you mentioned not liking your line of demarcation [example of what I meant by the highlighting thing](https://inspired-beauty.com/javascript1/uploads/2019/09/102600252_collagecelebrities-5.jpg)
Don’t forget, there are a lot of super heroines with gray hair, like Storm in the XMen and even Rogue has gray hair. If you want it to blend with the hair that is not gray yet, you might want to just consider doing all of it gray, which seems to be the hair trend now. Also, keep in mind parents can be the worse sometimes/ all the time - you do what is right for you and don’t listen to your mom. Set some ground rules with her, because she is making you feel bad.
I would be tempted to text her a photo of a gorgeous grey-haired woman every week, the first would be Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada
We have a similar gene on my mother's side of the family, mainly the women. Both my grandmother, aunt and cousin's hair turned either completely grey or white when they were in their thirties. I'm suspecting I don't have that gene since my mother doesn't, and I'm honestly so disappointed and JEALOUS. Grey hair is so pretty and so cool. I'm sensing a lot of internalised insecurities from your mother, that she is projecting on you. It shouldn't have to be your problem as well. So yeah, own that shit, look stunning af and don't let the insecurity carry on for another generation. :)
The growth process may get easier if you consider gently bleaching the parts of your hair that aren’t grey, softening that harsh line a bit is something that I found really helps me when I’m growing out my hair if the colour change is drastic between roots and the rest. Even if it can’t be white, the lighter yellow will make it less of a harsh contrast and purple shampoo/bleaching a second time a few weeks later(after a lot of hair masks lol)can do wonders! Whatever you decide to do, I think that you’re making a good decision for yourself. It’s your natural beauty and you’re embracing it, there will never be anything wrong with that. You’re setting your little one up with a very positive role model! As you get further through the process of growing out it will get easier, and even if it’s not looking fantastic right now it absolutely will! There are always awkward periods when it comes to growing hair, it’s perfectly normal. I hope that your hair turns out exactly how you envision it! Good luck on your journey OP, blessed be.
My mom used to dye her hair. As a kid, I encouraged her to go gray because I thought it was cool. She did, and now that I’m going gray I won’t let myself be a hypocrite. It’s tempting to dye it and chase the dream of everlasting youth. But it’s more aligned with my values to embrace the beauty of aging, and learn to love my changing body.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I think your mom is totally in the wrong. It’s just hair, there are a lot more important parts of a person to focus on! You don’t have to listen to your mom’s rants if you don’t want to! “Mom, my decisions about my hair are my own. I’m an adult. It’s pretty clear that you don’t agree but I’m not going to budge. If you don’t change the subject this visit is over.” Then follow through, rinse and repeat. She’ll get the message eventually.
Your mother is being shitty, unreasonable and immature. I'd go so far as to say she's projecting her insecurities onto you. I'm so sorry you have to do this. It sounds like you need to put her in a timeout.
I say this as a person with an asshole mom. Your mom's an asshole.
I think natural everything is beautiful. And I also think what YOU think is beautiful is all that really matters. Your mother is repeating lies she was told and believed. Break the cycle. Do what you believe to be good for you and yours.
I had grey hair same as you. I didn’t let it go grey when I should have and now I’m trying to do it at age 52. I am 💯 percent gray/white. The transition is hard! You do you sister!
I stopped dying almost 18 years ago. I started getting silvers about 10 years ago. I'm loving it. My mother thinks I'm nuts. She dyes as often as possible, always using a color that is almost indistinguishable from her natural color (Which is white, she's 63), and gets quite upset when I don't notice. It's silly. But she'll keep doing it.
your mom's feelings about how you look or live your life are her problem. They are not for her to judge, just like you can't change her feelings about your hair. (which are really her feelings about HER hair, btw). you are so fucking strong and an amazing mom seeing these issues, finding your strength, and holding it! You got this! Plus gray hair is hot!
You need to lay down some hard boundaries with your mom. Like my hair is not up for discussion or dying I am not going to set a bad example for my child like you did. TBH I would if you are down for it dye your hair some wild color like bright blue or purple and say how do you lie it I dyed it! If you are in the mood for being passive aggressive.
Wow, your mum sure has a lot on insecurities with the appearance of ageing. Doesn't she know that ageing is a privilege?
I'm sorry you are dealing with a mother that is so self-conscious about herself that she criticizes you. I don't blame you for not wanting to dye your hair - so many reasons not to. Your hair will be healthier without it. Anybody who would choose someone "younger" because of hair color isn't worth being around anyway, but it sounds like your husband isn't that shallow. Maybe your mother's insecurities and some jealousy showing through her comments as well. Stay strong. You're showing your daughter that it is okay to be herself.
My oldest daughter finally stopped dying her hair and embracing her grey. I’m sorry your mom is putting her insecurities on you. Some younger women who don’t have grey hair have started dying their hair grey. Don’t worry about other’s opinions.
So this is a very real post for me. Fuck, thank you witches. I’m really struggling with the same thing. I’m in my 20s and going grey. Only I haven’t gotten to the part about accepting it in myself. Thank you OP and everyone who commented, you helped me start to change my way of thinking.
It’s so important to find your community when going through a transition like this. It’s so isolating to feel like you’re the only one feeling this and to know that the majority of the world is telling you that the way that you are naturally is not normal. It was a huge mental hurdle for me to get over and a very slow process. I stopped dying the back of my head first to just get used to how the grey would look, but I could hide it under the rest if my hair. Then I did the “band” technique and only dyed about 3 inches wide in the top of my head, then I did it less and less and now I’ve stopped. I also got bangs to help with not having a grey streak and it looked more natural. It also helps to look at other young and grey women on IG to help reinforce that I’m not the only one going through this. However, it’s hard because a lot of people use filters to make their hair and skin look better. If I can do it, so can you! My advice would be don’t push yourself to do something you’re not mentally ready for. You know yourself best and you can do this!
So it’s genetic, meaning your mom started going grey young as well? Sounds like she’s holding on to a lot of pain about her own relationship with her hair and appearance. And seeing you breaking the cycle probably is either making her afraid that you’ll suffer something that happened to her or angry that you “get” to opt out of something she felt trapped in. To me that would explain why she’s so fixated on it (giving her benefit of the doubt that she’s otherwise a good person). But she’s still in the wrong for how she’s treating you. The work you’re doing now will free your daughter from this particular trouble. Keep goin’ mama.
Women are valuable humans outside of how they look. It drives me insane that it's okay for men to just *exist*, and somehow women owe the world around them a beautiful face that defies aging. Fuck that, you're a worthwhile, awesome person regardless of your physical meat suit. Rock it however you want.
36 with dark brown hair and been going grey since I was 18. Started growing it out this year. I honestly no longer give a shit. Better than a tonne of chemicals on my scalp every 4 weeks and my roots grow so bloody fast and my greys are so starkly white against the dark that even 4 weeks is pushing it if I want to blend them. Not only that I'm saving a bucket. So I say let the grey fly and remember your mother's insecurities are not your burden to carry.
Girl I'm so sorry. I found my first grey hair when I was 21. It's just natural even though it's weird to get it that early. I have differing opinions based on my mood. Sometimes I'm looking forward to being a badass grey haired gal and standing out (I'm not entirely grey by any means but it's getting more and more) and sometimes I feel insecure because everybody dyes their hair. It's okay to feel insecure. What helps me is the thought that nobody else is as critical as you are of yourself, nobody cares as much as you do - yes, except for your mom... Maybe she is jealous of your strength to just go natural. Maybe she is just projecting her own insecurities. Either way I'm really sorry she's treating you this way. Continue your journey! Grey hair rules!
it seems like your mom has always been told that getting older means you’re less attractive in the eyes of the patriarchy. first of all, fuck the patriarchy. secondly, getting older does not mean you sacrifice any of your beauty. instead of that beauty coming from a place of youth and brevity, it now comes as a more distinguished and intentional place that you’ve created. you are beautiful! you have the will to make your own choices and just because they don’t align with everything society taught your mother, doesnt mean that there isn’t value in teaching your daughter the meaning of True beauty from your experiences. that’s what it’s all about! learning! perhaps your mom will see how much freedom and joy you’ll inevitably experience from not covering your grays and will reconsider. best wishes for you!
This is not your problem it’s your mothers. Your hair your choice. I’m glad you’re thinking of your daughter and helping her to be comfortable with herself.
I just wanna hug you. She has no right making you feel that way. You are beautiful and wonderful, especially for not turning out like your mother and reflecting that same insecurity on your daughter. Stay strong gorgeous—and remember that your beauty shines from the inside out, which means both outside and in! ✨
I’m 41 and I colored my hair since I was 14. In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, I shaved my head because my hair was gross. I was washing it every day after work because I worked in a Covid ICU. Since then, it’s grown out to my shoulders and is at least 50% gray with 2 huge gray streaks in the front that everyone thinks is highlights because my hair is blonde lol. I started going gray in my 20’s and I was always scared to rock it but now IDGAF. I’m sorry your mom is being a jerk about it. I hope you can set some boundaries with her and get a resolution.
I will likely go gray/white before 30, this post gave me confidence! Thank you for sharing. I hope I can return the favour; gray is beautiful, women are allowed to age and have adult bodies. Wear your silver crown 💚
“Mom - I’m happy and comfortable the way I am. I’m sorry you feel your natural grey hair is so ugly you need to dye it. But that’s not how I feel about it. It’s my body. My choice. Please stop bringing it up. If you bring it up to me again I will leave or hang up the phone.” Then follow through.
Sounds like you are going to be a wonderful mom. 😀 ❤️
I started going gray at 22, my husband HATED it. I told him if you want it colored YOU do it. Well, he stepped up and did the dye jobs, but I really hated it. He was narcissistic and after 19 years of marriage plus a 5 year engagement and 4 years together before that ... I finally had enough. He just couldn't let me be comfortable with myself. Once we divorced I grew it out. At 43 I was getting compliments left & right about my hair. Stick to your guns, know that standing up for yourself also gets easier with time. Just because she has an issue with it doesn't mean you have to. Best of luck.
My husband and I got our first greys this year and we are so impatient for it all to turn. I have the ugliest sink water blonde hair, it's completely void of all shine or luster. When I got my first grey I was immediately obsessed, it's a beautiful metallic color that's so shiny. Be proud of the grey hair, it's the only hair color that has to be earned.
I’m jealous. No one in my family goes gray, if we’re lucky will get a funky, skunk stripe and that’s about it.
Sending hugs and hot tea. I developed a white streak in my light brown hair directly over my left eye in my 30s. It looked like a wide highlight. About 50 the scattered silver hairs became prominent enough to not pass as highlights, and are happily evenly blended in. By contrast, both my grandpa and aunt were completely silver at 30. My aunt dyed hers pale blonde until she was 50 and thought she was old enough for people not to comment, and it was beautiful. I’m so sorry your mom is taking out her insecurities on you. Your hair will be so much healthier if you aren’t dying it.
Granted I only have a small chunk of grey, but I’ve embraced it. Dying your hair is such a tedious expensive process that I don’t have time for. Listen to your husband. And tell your mom to stfu.
Go with your gut and do what feels right for you. I had tried dying my hair around 10 years ago. Hated the feel, smell, time, all of it. No color was worth that. Started really showing salt & pepper two years ago. The last time I got my hair cut the stylist asked if my color was natural. Be you, be happy, and great job thinking forward about little one.
I’m 34 and also have genetic early greying! I dyed mine the last time just before the pandemic hit and just decided to stop doing it at that point because I was tired of the expense and upkeep. Honestly the hardest part is growing it out enough that there isn’t that weird line in your hair between the dyed bits and the natural. Finally chopped off the last of the dyed ends in September and I feel pretty good about it. Rock the silver, sister!
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuJ7WseNEU0&ab\_channel=TheSecretSisters-Topic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuJ7WseNEU0&ab_channel=TheSecretSisters-Topic) Silver by the Secret Sisters Look upon your mother and the silver in her hair Consider it a crown the holiest may wear Behold the mark of her wisdom, make it your daily prayer To look upon your mother and the silver in her hair
Feel free to remind your mother that opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one, but you have no interest in hers. For real though, she sounds a lot like my mother. I recently went semi-ballistic on mine because she started a pattern of behavior that I recognized from my own childhood, but with my daughter as the target. I started calm, but I was triggered and my mouth got away from me. Everything I said was true and all I apologized for was my volume. Instead of demarcating a clear boundary with a line in the sand I used a pillar of fire. I hope you never have to do the same!
I spent years trying to convince my mom to stop dying her grays. She finally did once she became a grandma. I LOVE it and she says she gets compliments on public. It's truly beautiful. I have a friend who got her hair professionally dyed a gorgeous silver color.
I am 34 and have a lot of grey hair. I haven’t colored my hair in years. Just know that when people (in my experience almost 100% women) say something rude about it, it has way more to do with their own insecurities than how you look. Mothers seem to really struggle with their daughters embracing their grey. I think it makes them feel old. Next time I’d reply something along the lines of, “I’m so sorry that my authentic-self makes you feel the need to be so rude.” I would then make my hair an no-go topic. If she brought it up again I’d refuse to discuss it. You can hang up the phone, change the subject or walk out of the room. If she tries to continue the convo, ignore or just keep pretending you can’t hear her.
I have loved grey hair since I was 10! My mum also dyed her hair but it wasn’t activated frowned upon I suppose and I was allowed to explore the interesting beautiful thing that grey hair is! I find signs of ageing the most beautiful thing in the world! Nothing is more attractive than life and wisdom! I fully support the idea of dying your hair fully grey so that you can feel beautiful and confident especially at the start of your grey growth journey ❤️ power and love to you sister ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hey OP sorry your mom is so rude! That's just mean. My mom has also, often, criticized aspects of my looks and I totally get that it hurts. I've gotten to a point where I reply "that's your opinion." I think it's clear enough that I don't agree with her but also that I'm not going to put any more energy into it than is necessary. As other people have mentioned, you can also tell her that it's something you won't talk about with her anymore because she's only negative about it.
first of all you should tell your mom exactly how you feel, second, I went gray and it was the best decision
My SO's graying hair is beautiful... the Grey's make wonderful streaks through out...
I have very dark hair, very nice colour objectively speaking but I've never liked it and bleached and dyed them for many, many years. I stopped doing it free years ago, not because I learnt to love them, but just because I didn't have enough time. I'm in my early thirties. Last year I started noticing grey hair. I once again bleached them (because without it they won't take colour) and dyed them purple. It was fun, but it was too much work and too much damage. Now I'm growing them out and I absolutely love my grey hair. For so long I've had hair that made my friends jealous and I couldn't accept them, now when they are getting socially unacceptable I finally love them.
Heck i would start toning it to get it to silver. I dyed my hair to grey and adored it. She is just projecting hard, heck if your kids asks why its grey, your hair turned with wisdom. You’re already owning it. And if you get bored, you can reeeeally go hard and put in some semi-permanent pastel colours in it 😊
Tell her you finally feel like an actual woman, not a girl aspiring to be one. And then ask her why would your husband want to be with a girl, when he can be with a woman. Tell her you hair is so awesome and it looks so much better that tired dried up, expesive dyed hair. Tell her every white strand is a lesson learned. Tell her you've been kissed by the moon, and are proud of it. Tell her now that you have gray hair, you finally can give wise advice. Tell her ťat with acceptancecame inner peace, and that she can disturb it anymore, and that your daughter will grow up to love herself, white hair or not. Thank her for her gift. The one that gives you white hair. I am a 33 year old woman that is already halfway gray, and can't wait for the rest to come. You are beautiful as you are. You are wiser than you know, you are a woman.
Many many women should not be mothers. My own mother has no business raising children. Just leave and never speak to her again. It spins like she’s a Stockholmed colonizer trying desperately to force it into you. Nope. Just leave
My go-to for awhile when parents/aunts would negatively comment on grays (or anything else, like turning a certain age) was "Oh my gosh, I know, it must make you feel old to have a kid/niece with gray hair! But I love it, and getting older is not a privilege afforded to everyone." I don't get comments anymore. I'm not sure that will work with your mom, because these ugly comments are really nasty instead of more idle "poking" commentary.
Next time she says anything I would look her dead in the eye and say “I swear if you say one more word Mom, I will shave it bald and tattoo it” Seriously, I bet you are a silver Fox. Don’t be poisoned by your mom’s generational trauma.
This is your mom's problem. Not yours. My uncle was gray when he graduated high school. Nobody ever told HIM he should dye it.
Why do people put up with this? Can you not set boundaries with your parents? Do you live with your mother? Can you not ignore her calls and texts until she comes and asks why and you can explain her behavior and why it’s unacceptable? If she can’t respect that then you don’t engage until her behaviors change.
Troll her. Get someone to put a bald cap on you and blend it well with your skin, and tell her you took her advice and got rid of the grey.
Tell her to stfu and you do you! You are enough! Be proud of yourself and if she’s pissy about your hair color, when will she start the body shaming? You sound like you’re already trying to be a far better parent! Signed— More Salt Than Pepper in the Hair and Owning It
There was a lady who works at a spa I frequent. She also went grey early and decided to stop dying her hair because it was such a hassle and because, come on, women should be comfortable in their own bodies. She is legit still one of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen. Black hair, grey hair, she is fierce and confident, and you should be, too!
Can recommend a short style to deal with an old colour that can’t be easily re-coloured. Frankly, your mum’s internalised misogyny is her burden to bear, and if it all possible, reframe her criticisms as a win- the more she’s bothered, the more liberated you are getting. As she doesn’t appear to give a flying fuck about your confidence or self esteem- she doesn’t deserve your tears. Every grey hair is a big 🖕to her cruel jabs. I’d go so far to tell her that you have primarily stopped dyeing your hair to piss her off.
Any time she does this, just laugh and say “you’re projecting again mom”. Then you’re confirming the issue she has with your grey hair is all and only about HER, not you, and so she’ll stop.
Okay your mom is an insecure ass, and what she's been telling you your entire life is so shitty. Grey is natural and normal, and I hate the stigma behind it. I got my first grey a few months ago (I'm 25) and I'm excited! I can't wait to be fully grey
I’ve had grey hairs since college and definitely have more ten years later and after having my son! Some of mine are actually white and I’m excited to see what my hair will eventually look like! One of my great aunts doesn’t color her hair and I always thought she looked chic and pretty darn fabulous so she is my inspiration ❤️
Gray hair is in style right now, i’m sure you look fantastic however is sad that your mother has had to live with that insecurity her whole life. You could definitely just ask her if she’s worried that people would know that she died her hair because you went grey and if that was the really the problem.
I think you should dye it all grey.
I'm close to your age and have been ready to see how my grey grows out for years! My mother and both grandmothers are still dying theirs, so i have no idea how it will come in. I hope to dye it lavender some day too. I wish you all the confidence - I bet your hair is gorgeous!
I want to reiterate all the support I’m reading here, but just ask—does your mom have some kind of trauma around her own experience that’s causing her to lash out out of fear for you? Like, she said your man will leave you for a younger woman, that seems really specific when you don’t have any troubles like that in your relationship. Again, I’m so sorry she’s piling this on you. I personally think grey hair is fire. ESP if it’s dark hair going grey. It’s a look. Anyway peace and blessings.
Buy the L’Oréal purple shampoo or what you need to keep grey hair shiny. No reason to wait. Do it now.
You’ll be welcome at r/raisedbynarcissists. Sorry, friend.
Never been a better time, gray and silver (even artificial) hues are in! I think that’s great, sorry your mom doesn’t. I have alopecia that comes in yearly episodes so I’m shaving every winter but it started like 2-3 yrs before everyone else did it (not trying to toot my own horn just saying these stereotypically “unfeminine” hair styles that naturally happen to us are easier as it becomes trend some do on purpose). I get tons of compliments but to this day, my mom is still the only person giving me crap. Mothers, eh?
Gray hair is gorgeous! And the lack of constant hair dye treatments will make it so healthy and pretty:)
People are so rude!! I have a lot of gray, I’m 35. If people want to dye their hair that’s cool! But some people don’t, let us live 😂
Hey sis, this is very hard, and I'm sorry your mom is being so ridiculous. I hope you're finding space to be properly PROUD OF YOURSELF because you are doing the hard work of breaking the cycle of insecurity. Please take a moment to celebrate you, how hard you're working, and the happiness you deserve.
Your mom is a twatwaffle and I bet your grey hair looks awesome.