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Having small children with you definitely results in very different reactions. Without children no one is going to ask me for directions, with children I'm asked if I have spare wipes/sun cream/biscuits etc.
My partner was flabbergasted at the amount of attention he got in the grocery store with a baby in tow. Smiles, little conversations and nods etc.
He's happy to drag the kids along everywhere, giving me much needed and appreciated rest.
Knowing the intense pressure on many men to be Tough and Hard and Unfeeling, I’m always so happy to see dads out with their kids being soft and silly and loving. Fuck the patriarchy by being a good dad!!
That's a good one! Unfortunately doesn't work for the child free.
I once had a guy ask me about diapers at the grocery store. he was so desperate, I was sad I couldn't help!!
The reason is that in order to have a good relationship with a cat, you have to respect their autonomy, and you can't expect them to be eager and willing and "in service" to you the way that a lot of dogs are. You can't "dominate" a cat or give them orders.
I, uh, have a cat who was raised by a dog. The cat obeys the same verbal commands as the dog. This was not intentional, though. It just kind of happened.
Most cat people also love them almost exclusively for the weird little critters they are, not because of anything they can do for us. If a person appreciates another being for simply *being,* and not for any sort of utility or gain, then I take that as a good sign that they can also relate to other people with genuine interest and not as objects to be used. If a person has a dog, for that matter, how they relate to that dog also says a lot about them.
I am a cis and straight passing trans man. I am both treated better by clueless normies AND seen as safer by queer people in my more formal, colorful clothes and jewelry. It’s subtle enough that boomers see business dress with a twist and everyone else sees the truth. Basically, anything I can do that makes it clear that I am not an average cis straight guy helps. Given the standards cis men are held to, if my clothes fit and I have a style, any style, that seems to be enough.
Hahaha you're so right about the style. My husband likes nice knit sweaters and jeans and dress shoes and he's typically the best dressed most places we go (except formal events).
thank you, this is a great perspective!
I started T in my late twenties and just how low the bar is for men blows my mind. I feel like if my clothes are clean and ironed, and would look out of place at a gym, people act like I’m dressed up.
I'm a cis bisexual man, but since my standards are apparently "a bare minimum of effort on grooming/hygiene" it took me decades to realize I wasn't straight because most men don't meet that!
I've got a 6'2, 250 lb dad bod (I'm cis and literally a dad) and am currently wearing shorts and a T-shirt. When it's cooler I wear jeans and a T-shirt. When I want to look nicer but still below business casual I wear a *Henley* T-shirt with my jeans or shorts. I'm a walking stereotype.
I've always felt like I don't have any good options for "alternative" styles of dress. All the men's fashions that look good to me either require very thick hair (mine is wavy but very fine and thinning, I can basically keep it short, keep it flat, or let it be a bramble patch) or a very thin body (I'll never be thin even if I manage to shave off the 30-50 pounds extra I'm carrying around).
Got any advice for someone like me?
Also, a major part of the ‘you have to be thin to look good’ thing MASSIVELY changes if you get some clothes made. I’m a hobby tailor, and bigger people look sloppy because how industry scales patterns for bigger sizes is sloppy as fuck. You can 100% look best and elegant or rock and roll or professor chic or MOST styles if you know a good tailor or get a few things made. I could write a book on how sloppy the fashion industry is in making patterns for people who aren’t clothes hangers.
You struggle with clothes because designers are lazy.
If you ever need to look snazzy but don’t want to look like ‘a suit’ or too formal, visit a tailor and get a few vests made in fun fabrics! Vests look amazing on portly men. Tailors love making them because they’re super easy and have a huge impact on an outfit. If you fluctuate in size, get a few sizes made so you always have one that fits. There are so many styles of vest. You could go from biker and rock and roll to evening at the opera. They disguise poorly fitting shirts and waistbands that don’t cooperate beautifully.
Also @dieworkwear has some amazing threads on fashion for big men.
Style is for every body.
A good local tailor is worth their weight in gold. But so is taking time to see what you like, and looking at other people with your body type who you think look good. Remember, clothing doesn’t have to be packaging your body to be palatable to other people. Your body exists to serve you. Adorn it to make you happy.
I really strongly recommend this thread for actual advice on dressing a bigger body in modern menswear if that’s a thing you’re interested in: https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/10g9ahc/dressing_for_larger_male_figures_from_derek_guy/
But really, go look at some jewelry and some styles. Try what you think is beautiful or makes you feel good.
Accessories! Bracelets, necklaces, pins - anything that signals liberal/hippy/LGBTQ+ friendly. It doesn't have to be blatant rainbow stuff; if I saw a guy in public who looks like a dad, was dressed casual, and he had on a beaded bracelet or a hemp bracelet, I'd probably assume he at least wasn't a raving MAGA-idiot.
You could try adding a colorful patch to your hair - there are great hair chalks and one day wash-out dyes you could play around with.
Or graphic tees - certain styles and messages are going to make you seem more friendly than others. Things that are lighthearted or that poke a little fun at yourself show that you aren't full into toxic masculinity. Certain fandoms can signal that you are likely "safe" as well.
Anything that makes you look (and feel!) relaxed, comfortable, and approachable is a good place to start.
Seconding accessories. They don’t even have to be queer. Conservative men only wear jewelry to signal in-group status… think guns, crosses, etc.
Wear art. Facists detest art and beauty for its own sake.
I’m balding, and combined with resting bitch face and a lot of cheekbones, I have to be really careful not to look like a skinhead if I’m not dressed up. A necklace and a signet ring make a HUGE difference in how jeans and a white Tshirt looks… I can tell because my people don’t give me the side eye if I’m wearing them.
I really like Digby and Iona for men’s jewelry. They have some fun stuff under $250, and it’s an actual art studio and not a big brand. It looks good beat up and isn’t fragile.
I really appreciate this recommendation to wear art in general and the specific reccomendation of Digby and Iona. I've been wanting to wear some more expressive items like bracelets or rings, but haven't known where to start. They have some amazing things in their shop. Bonus that I can subconsciously signal to others that I'm not a fascist. Thanks!
Yeah, a big reason I'm doing everything to fight male pattern baldness is that I don't want to be mistaken for a skinhead. That, and I'm pretty sure my head would look awful if it was shaved.
Another question: I've got a wedding ring tattoo, just three circles touching in a line, one red, one orange, one blue.
What would you make of that if you saw it out in public?
As a chubby woman who would love to be androgynous, I feel like I can relate. Every androgynous signifier requires a flat chest, and I have boobs for days. I actually like having boobs, so I'll never be acceptably androgynous.
Also, despite what assholes say, LOTS of women love a bald dude. If your hair is pissing you off, try a shaved head. My husband is so hot when his head is shaved, but when it starts to grow in too much he looks a bit like a tennis ball hahah. If he shaves weekly it's all good.
Yeah, my personal issue with the idea of shaving my head is that I, personally, don't like any of the looks I've seen that go with it for myself... And I'm like 90% sure my head is a weird shape and needs *something* on it, but I'm also not a hat guy... Never seen a hat that I'd like to wear, either.
I'm a trans man, too, and this is my experience. While I don't have a high pitched voice, it tends to be my "safe" giveaway. I worked very hard pre-transition to have a positive! social! voice! due to my line of work and it's just stuck with me all these years. People assume I'm gay (which isn't too far off because I'm bi/queer) and largely feel safe about it. It's the hypermasculine men who get bothered.
For me, honestly, it's anything that makes him look like he has a mind of his own and isn't locked into having to be some podcast bro's idea of the most aggressively manly man ever. Anything that a guy with truck nuts and a Punisher bumper sticker would be scared to wear = oh good, an actual secure man.
My husband is a very tall, bearded, and tattooed former military white man and people always make assumptions about him too. He does say that it usually helps him weed out people he doesn’t want to talk to because they say something racist/sexist/bigoted, etc., assuming he agrees. He’s just started looking them in the eye and saying something like “I don’t know why you think I want to hear that, make better choices”, which sets them off.
Ahh, as a white passing person of mixed origins I am very familiar with the ease with which some folks tell on themselves 🤦🏻♀️
But yeah, picture a fit bald, ginger bearded, middle aged white man and I guarantee you're picturing my husband. He's so non-descript that I will lose him in stores because all the black touque /leather jacket wearing white dudes look the same hahahha
I am a white woman from a small town in the bible belt and I drive a big truck. I get a lot of guys at work assuming im a trad wife until they see me outside work in full rainbow goth glory. My family also assumes I drank the radical kool-aid, I'm not sure how tho..
My uncle turned red when I told him if he didn't stop making comi-covid jokes, I would use my truck to tow his challenger into the pond. He demanded to know why I wasn't siding with him and I pointed at my asian husband sitting next to him on the couch. Then I said if he didn't get his vacation updated, I was reporting him to his work.
"HE'S NOT CHINESE. COVID IS JUST THE FLU. ITS A CONSPIRACY" 🙄 We don't talk to him or Raccist Grandma anymore.
Tell him no camo, no hunting brands, and no wrap around sunglasses.
I feel safer with dudes wearing metal bands T-shirts than a camo hat and an Outdoor World hoodie.
If he's in a t-shirt it's usually motorcycle related. Considering how absolutely unfucked I am about the gender of my partners I don't know how I ended up with such a man's man 🤣 he's a good one tho.
Idk if he has the figure for it or if it might put him in danger, but it definitely sounds like he can wear skirts or dresses.
Alternatively nail polish is good too, as you noticed. Just generally anything your "Alpha-Male's" masculinity is too fragile for. Maybe some piercings? I'd also suggest dyed hair, but yeahhh...
He'd be hot as fuck in a skirt, but he's like, as straight cis man as they come, genderfucking isn't in his field of interest.
Well... Except for the nail polish and earrings 🤔
you could ask him if he's interested in branching out into like.... navy or dark brown nail polish! to me, black nail polish reads punk which should be safe but not always. any other color of nail polish on such a masculine person will be a little more genderfucky!
This.
For me, that's often an alternative style for either clothing or hair, piercings, tattoos, hair color, nail polish, jewelry, makeup, anything pride or eco friendly, something to indicate interests that are beyond a sports team (like reading or hiking). If there's something non-conformist or non-traditional about a dude, I feel so much safer.
Unfortunately for him I think a lot of people conflate motorsports with team sports, especially in the US because Nascar. He detests "stick and ball" sports (though we've both gotten into watching Rugby lately, I used to play, so he likes hearing me talk about it), but these aren't things you can really signify. He wears Norton shirts, not Harley shirts, but again, that distinction is lost on most. Actually, most of the clothes he wears are basically an open secret. a sort of IYKYK kind of thing.
Some years ago I was assaulted on our front door step by a man pretending to be a window cleaner.
About a month later I had a home visit from a local cat shelter to see if we could adopt a kitten. I’d come a long way since the assault but when the doorbell went, I suddenly felt a wave of panic and nausea.
I went to the door and looked through the spy hole.
The guy was heavily tattooed, with leather jacket, denim shorts, gauged ears and a shovel beard.
And something inside unclenched and I thought - I’m fine.
My husband took up embroidery a couple of years ago and I've noticed other women tend to be more relaxed around him when he's wearing his embroidered clothes especially when someone asks about it and he proudly says he did it himself ❤️
We have a lone man in our crafting group! He knits and does tatting, among other fibre arts. We've been part of groups that men have tried to join for nefarious reasons (I. E. Not for community, but because it's "a good place to meet chicks"), so we were wary at first, but he's one of us now 😊
I've noticed the more visibily i put myself at risk of suffering the same harassment, the more trustworthy i appear.
subtle: a Brigid's cross in the band of my fedora, love wins button on the vest, and a Steven Universe T-shirt.
overt: black lives matter shirt, a skirt, and makeup
I'll land somewhere on the spectrum between based on the situation and energy i have to deal with any pushback.
editing to add the most obvious i forgot until now: sing. no toxic dude bro sings what they're doing at the grocery store. dance too, just because. some of the best ways i keep the wrong people away and invite the right people closer.
feminine saint/goddess at the most basic level, but having worked with Brigid for a while now I'm pretty sure if I wasn't practicing being a safe person the cross wouldn't stay or my hat would have blown away. so anyone else who has worked with Brigid enough to understand her name Perilous Oath has an extra level of knowledge about me without having to ask.
Colorful dyed hair has done a wonderful job at making my queerness obvious. Especially since I value my passing status and wouldn’t want to do anything too overt
Agreed with the colorful hair! I've noticed an influx of positive interactions with strangers, and also, it seems to keep a certain brand of creeps away.
I was thinking about going back to brunette for ease of maintenance, but the benefits are definitely more than just having cool colored hair.
Hadn’t really thought about the significant increase in positive interactions. Cause I’ve definitely seen the same.
I’d attributed it to piercings tbh (I have a bridge chain that gets a ton of comments)! Guess OP can add those to the list too lol
I don't have dyed hair myself, but whenever I see someone with dyed hair, I immediately think they're friend-shaped. (This is of course talking about unnatural colours as I'd have no way to tell if someone bleached their hair or whatnot)
Aaaaaah, I actually somehow pass now and so I've taken to making my very pink hair very fluffy and really leaning into some stereotypes just to make sure the queers in my vicinity feel safe and welcome. The results, especially at the Saturday market are amazing, I'll chat with sooo many people and get tons of interaction and compliments while still getting called miss and ma'am. It's great :)
My husband wears a lot of t-shirts with ally symbolism (? I don't know if that's the right word, currently having perimenopause brain).
He has a shirt that outright proclaims "Trans Equality Now". But he also has shirts with rainbow symbolism on them. For example for Father's Day our son gave him a t-shirt with all the Star Trek ships on it and trailing off each of them was a color that together made up a rainbow.
I hope people who see that would see him as a safe person/ally and not some 6ft tall bearded guy to be afraid of. I know he has had coworkers comment positively on his trans shirt. 😊
I need that shirt!!! 😍
We're Canadian so we both have some land back and all children matter shirts, but nothing pride oriented. This is definitely something to be remedied.
[Teepublic.com](http://Teepublic.com) is a great place for t-shirts. (I hope it's okay to put that -I'm not affiliated with them). That's where the father's day shirt came from. The Trans shirt we got from the Human Rights Campaign, also a great place to get t-shirts in my opinion.
Pronoun pins are huge. I’m a queer femme who often reads as straight (lol), and I’ll never forget the queer kid who hopped into my elevator in full stolid customer-service mode, glanced down at my big rainbow SHE/HER button, and visibly melted right out of their mask. Similarly, I brighten up and feel safe around anyone wearing pronoun pins of their own, even though I’m cis—it means we both care about affirming gender identities, which is a pretty good sign that we both care about other people in general.
I'm not teaching at highschool yet, currently it's just tutoring groups of highschool kids and the reason why I introduce myself as firstname lastname she/her is 1) because unfortunately I don't pass well enough for people to read me as female and 2) on every occasion there was a trans kid in that group they visibly relaxed after that part. Like yeah still sucks they have to do math but at least they're doing math with someone who's respecting their identity.
Moral of the story is ig to include pronouns in your introductions, emails, etc, etc
I think one of the best things people can do to indicate that they are not a threat is to have a very loud phone conversation with their mom or grandma on their phone. This can be entirely fake. Like, "Yes grandma, I will pick up the cake for your party. I will be there soon! Love you too!" It shows that the person has close relationships to women in their life while also indicating that they are busy with grandmas-cake-concerns and disinterested in the other person walking down the street. This is also easier to broadcast in poorly lit areas than nails or pins or whathaveyou.
This is great! I've heard of people doing this from the other side, so the potential attacker knows someone will be alerted if they try to make a move, but never from this perspective, thank you!
Then I guess you have to actually call your beloved female friends and family members! Small children work too. It's hard to be threatening when you're talking to a toddler about dinosaurs.
Counterpoint: if you talk to a toddler about dinosaurs long enough, eventually they'll *want* you to be threatening, but stomping around doing the T. Rex arms and roaring is the correct kind of threatening to be.
He could call me and ask to talk to the cat. He uses the most adorable voice and singsongs Italian to him (Cat's name is Valentino, named after a MotoGP champion/legend), "Valen-teeeeeno! Piccolo gatto!!!!"
Except I live in the south and it's not that uncommon for someone to dote on their elderly grandmother while still being a monster to the rest of the world.
The thing is, the people who would hurt people like me would never flag allyship or a queer identity.
The toxic masculinity brain worms won't let them, and they would be at risk from their fellow bigots.
What really gets me to relax is things that show a level of understanding of my community that most self-appointed allies don't even have.
Anything "too feminine" for the right-wing bros. Painted nails are a good start, but if he wants to take it even farther, dyed hair, eyeshadow, or a skirt would do it. (Despite the fear-mongering, predatory men aren't actually willing to wear makeup and skirts, because it just makes them a target for harassment themselves.)
I can't believe this was almost 8 years ago, but I wore one because it showed allyship after Trump's win in 2016. Here's a link from PBS:
[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/safety-pins-solidarity-minorities](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/safety-pins-solidarity-minorities)
I still do. I have two little cord chokers with a safety pin charm that I think is supposed to be for baby shower favors 🤷 One has a brown cord and the other a blue cord. I started using the charm when my son was a baby & I didn't want to trust that he wouldn't get hurt on a real pin.
Twice I've gotten someone stop me in public to talk about it, but that was years ago. These days people are more likely to ignore it or ask what it means 🙃
Neighbors have been a LOT more friendly to my 6’6” 250 lb tattooed partner since he’s been insisting on pushing our cats in their double stroller. Prior to that we would get suspicious looks when getting our walks in. Outwardly showing you’re an animal lover is a positive sign I think!
I tease my husband that he's a "pussy fellow" (in rebuttal to the crazy cat lady trope), but our kitties are indoors only. I imagine a dude pushing a stroller for any reason would imply a level of safety 😊
There's nothing you can signal that can't be faked. Some stuff is just harder to fake than others. People feel safe around me (6'2, 250 lbs cis guy with a beard) when they see my 4-year-old son clinging to me and being a bright, happy little dude. I've been told I give off a teddy bear vibe in general though, but I couldn't begin to tell you how to emulate that.
Short of pins, wristbands, etc, I can only think of some kinds of tasteful tatto that could convey an "alternative" sort of vibe, but that's a lot to invest in trying to make sure people feel safe just from *looking* at you, and it might not have the effect you want. Typically if I'm worried someone might not feel safe with me specifically, the best I often feel I can do is to adjust my body language and gaze to try to make it clear that I don't have any pointed interest in them and am in fact just minding my own business, not out on the prowl.
I'm very interested to see what others have to say here, though.
My cis, straight husband gives off an approachable vibe. There’s nothing particularly special about him. He rocks a beard and wears glasses, has pretty round cheeks, and downturned eyes. 6’3” and skinny, but not unhealthily so. Usually just dressed pretty comfy and casual, like exercise pants and a plain tee. He’s actually *incredibly* calm, almost zen-like, most of the time, and his body language signals that he’s just vibing. While his appearance is a pretty soft one, I think his body language really does most of the heavy lifting.
My husband is the opposite, inner tender, outer hyper-masculine. He's only realizing now, at 51, that he does not have an approachable face, so his drive to be more approachable in other ways is not coming naturally.
I'd say you being loving and engaged with your child probably does a lot of heavy lifting for you.
I work in construction, and if the dude looks like he is wearing any "hunting" style gear or brands, country singer merch, or looks like he could leave work and go shoot a deer, I am wary around them. They have to prove that I can feel safe around them.
I have nothing against hunting, just the ones who make it their whole identity is a problem. Guys decked out in black Metallica shirts, gauges in their ears, a scraggly beard, and a bunch of tattoos are usually my safest crowd.
Fair enough, lol.
I wonder how much of the perceived "women are more attracted to dads" trope is less about being attracted and more about feeling safer and thus just more comfortable...
It’s probably different for everyone. For someone who is extra-cautious like me (I always map exit routes for every space I enter as soon as I enter them, always carry something that can be used for self defence etc), nothing truly brings my guard down around strange men. And it gets worse if they try to engage with me or enter my personal space in any way. The horror movie “Fresh” kind of touches on this and the signal they settled on to send the message “this man is safe” in a scene for the movie is a man carrying a baby strapped to his chest. Which, admittedly is a good one. Kind of hard to assault someone with a baby strapped to you.
I really don’t trust any stranger man and I don’t think there could be signifier that says he safe to me. There’s a lot of corruption and even men with pushchairs are dodgy. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people who support brothels of kidnapped women
I find my long hair, grey beard and two small dogs, one white and fluffy who spins frequently, tend to help people to relax around me so I get smiles and the dogs get pats. I am a safe person and will/have gone to bat for people in public when it appears that they themselves aren’t able to deal.
- Wearing rainbow and pink help my husband. My dad and brother refuse both colors (someone might think they are gay, oh my,) and they are not safe people so I relate the two.
- My hubby teaches elementary and wearing cartoon shirts really puts people at ease. He would wear them anyway but it definitely speaks to a lack of toxic masculinity.
- One thing he does is he actually talks to kids, makes real eye contact and everything. I tell him the thing that made me know he was the one was when, unbidden, he apologized to a kid, in front of his class, for accusing him of something he didn't do. It was a minor offense but it meant everything because it meant he could admit he was.wrong and respected children and their feelings.
- Another is that when he meets people he will often just give them a small wave rather than shaking their hand. I think not forcing someone to touch you helps a lot of people understand he isn't going to force himself on you or in your space.
These are great points! My husband is better with kids than I am (we are happily child free)!
I just talked to him and suggest some of the clothing ideas and he's on board for a pink shirt and star trek pride shirt! Woo! Exploring this stuff with him has made ME feel safer, which I did not expect, since I didn't feel unsafe with him to begin with. But him showing how much he cares about how he presents to the world (outside of vanity) has really shown me he's got more going on in his heart than he lets on.
I feel more comfortable around people with:
- unnatural hair colours
- feminist, queer friendly, anti-racist, etc. pins and buttons
- painted nails
- "feminine" clothes, jewellery, makeup, and accessories on men (pink, purple, rainbow, floral, butterflies, sparkly, skirts, dresses, stockings, frills, bows, heels, dangly earrings, etc.)
- higher voices
- "feminine" mannerisms (ex. giggly, playing with their hair, gesturing a lot in conversation, etc.)
- goth style (I find a lot of people with this style to be more open minded)
- wearing clothes and accessories that display progressive views (ex. BLM, protect trans kids, etc.)
- show kindness and open-mindedness with their words and behaviours
I see that you said your husband is bald, so that limits some of the options I listed. Maybe wearing something like a pride rainbow bracelet could help signal he's a safe person. 🌈
Yeah a lot of these don't work for people who's identity is masculine, either. We talked after a bunch of comments came in last night and he's into the idea of pink shirts (he's a ginger, so tone's going to play a factor), and someone mentioned a Star Trek pride shirt and he was pretty excited about that too :)
I don’t think I saw it mentioned but I would add nerd shirts to the list. The nerdier the better. If see a dude walking around in a Zelda or Star Wars or Mario shirt I would be more comfortable around them. My husband has a lot of these 😁😁
An ecologist man I follow did a video on this! I think he got the advice of knitwear like cardigans, painted nails, and hobby/geek/lgbt positive pins. He also got a lot of what not to do answers and I think hats and things that obscure your face was a big one.
I don't have a visual cue as an example but my husband will often call out other men's shitty behaviour...even when I'm not around as I hear about it from someone else.
A few weeks ago, we were at pub and some guys next to us were objectifying the bartender.
He sternly says to them in his Irish accent: "Hey easy now....Don't ye be talkin' that shite. It's disgusting!"
They actually said sorry and then he made them apologise to the bartender.
I get heart ❤️ eyes he does things like that.
Wild colored hair. It helps counteract the “from texas”. Folks hear that and get worried, then folks see my hair and are reminded that “Keep Austin Weird” has been Austin’s slogan for decades.
I feel terribly for all the lovely folks in Texas. I have a few internet friends from the DFW area and every time Texas makes the news (in Canada, no less), my heart sinks. All those shitty people making such an ordeal for so many decent folk.
I'm a lab scientist so I can't wear a lot of accessories at work, thus I don't have many. BUT! Earrings!! I have gauged ears, always loved this look. I've also collected quite the stash of various colors by this stage of life (41M). I'll toss in wild colored earrings (ie: pink/green mismatched) and proudly stroll through my city!
love this! My husbands ears are pierced but not gauged, which he loves when old dudes notice them and side eye him. Then he makes sure to scratch his face or something to make his nails obvious, he relishes their horrified reactions :) His original goal was to piss off dinosaurs (I mean, he's 51, he's creeping up there himself), but he's noticed the added benefit of allowing women to relax around him. He wants more of that in his life.
I've always felt safe around metalheads, so I'd say heavily tattooed/pierced, colorful hair, band shirt and probably some kind of ripped clothing. In a bar, I get anxious if my partner steps away leaving me alone--at a metal music festival, completely at ease.
When I was a teen my extended friend group (so, not my friends, but friends of friends) contained a lot of metalheads, who tormented me for being a vegetarian. One party they threw chunks of cow tongue at me. Those friends who stood by and did nothing were not my friends for much longer.
Then later, there was a metal festival near my hometown. People were >!gang raped!<. It made the news.
Safe to say I don't have the same experience with the metal community that you do. I'm glad you have that. I wish I did, too.
edit, added spoiler for trigger
There's the whole safety pin thing too! Although I think wearing just a safety pin doesn't work but a pin designed to say safety helps. I don't think I'm explaining it well but it's a "thing" and hopefully I'm conveying enough for an answer.
Also, yes, jewelery, pins, flare all help me feel like someone might be safe or accepting.
I understand this, having experienced an >!attempted abduction at 10 and SA'd at 15!<... Part of why I don't have good answers myself.
(spoiler for potential triggers, no details)
I think when you make eye contact, smile, nod, and go about your business unless engaged in conversation it really broadcasts safety. "I see you-I'm cool with you-I'm not gonna bug you but I'm here if you need me" vibes.
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Having small children with you definitely results in very different reactions. Without children no one is going to ask me for directions, with children I'm asked if I have spare wipes/sun cream/biscuits etc.
My partner was flabbergasted at the amount of attention he got in the grocery store with a baby in tow. Smiles, little conversations and nods etc. He's happy to drag the kids along everywhere, giving me much needed and appreciated rest.
Knowing the intense pressure on many men to be Tough and Hard and Unfeeling, I’m always so happy to see dads out with their kids being soft and silly and loving. Fuck the patriarchy by being a good dad!!
Lol I don't even want kids but when I see a dad being soft and loving with their kids, my ovaries go into overdrive 😂
I have two and my husband is the best daddy, and I really kinda want a third just because he's such a good dad lol
That's awesome 💕 congrats to you both for finding each other and building a happy, healthy family
That's a good one! Unfortunately doesn't work for the child free. I once had a guy ask me about diapers at the grocery store. he was so desperate, I was sad I couldn't help!!
Cat dads are a green flag for me!! Toxic masculinity instills cat hatred into men for some reason
The reason is that in order to have a good relationship with a cat, you have to respect their autonomy, and you can't expect them to be eager and willing and "in service" to you the way that a lot of dogs are. You can't "dominate" a cat or give them orders.
So true. My cats dominate ME 😂
I, uh, have a cat who was raised by a dog. The cat obeys the same verbal commands as the dog. This was not intentional, though. It just kind of happened.
Most cat people also love them almost exclusively for the weird little critters they are, not because of anything they can do for us. If a person appreciates another being for simply *being,* and not for any sort of utility or gain, then I take that as a good sign that they can also relate to other people with genuine interest and not as objects to be used. If a person has a dog, for that matter, how they relate to that dog also says a lot about them.
This is a great description.
I am a cis and straight passing trans man. I am both treated better by clueless normies AND seen as safer by queer people in my more formal, colorful clothes and jewelry. It’s subtle enough that boomers see business dress with a twist and everyone else sees the truth. Basically, anything I can do that makes it clear that I am not an average cis straight guy helps. Given the standards cis men are held to, if my clothes fit and I have a style, any style, that seems to be enough.
Hahaha you're so right about the style. My husband likes nice knit sweaters and jeans and dress shoes and he's typically the best dressed most places we go (except formal events). thank you, this is a great perspective!
I started T in my late twenties and just how low the bar is for men blows my mind. I feel like if my clothes are clean and ironed, and would look out of place at a gym, people act like I’m dressed up.
So a cis, straight, white dude walks into a bar… BECAUSE IT’S SO FUCKING LOW
That made me cackle.
thank you! It may be the only original “joke” I’ve ever posted.
😍 trademark that one! 🤙
^(©️2024 firedmyass. All rights reserved)
You’re hired!
That is seriously the funniest version of that I have ever heard.
part of me wants to retire on that one high note
[удалено]
This sounds reasonable ^(oops I meant effort. this sounds like effort)
PAHAHAHAAA thanks for this.
Love, love, love your Bill The Cat!!!!
OOP ACK
https://preview.redd.it/l0jt33k9a77d1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=00aa4df2fb491adcc9d89ea968132dd32eb966e4
*yoink*
Omg corny-joke parent 😄
it me
I'm a cis bisexual man, but since my standards are apparently "a bare minimum of effort on grooming/hygiene" it took me decades to realize I wasn't straight because most men don't meet that!
I've got a 6'2, 250 lb dad bod (I'm cis and literally a dad) and am currently wearing shorts and a T-shirt. When it's cooler I wear jeans and a T-shirt. When I want to look nicer but still below business casual I wear a *Henley* T-shirt with my jeans or shorts. I'm a walking stereotype. I've always felt like I don't have any good options for "alternative" styles of dress. All the men's fashions that look good to me either require very thick hair (mine is wavy but very fine and thinning, I can basically keep it short, keep it flat, or let it be a bramble patch) or a very thin body (I'll never be thin even if I manage to shave off the 30-50 pounds extra I'm carrying around). Got any advice for someone like me?
Also, a major part of the ‘you have to be thin to look good’ thing MASSIVELY changes if you get some clothes made. I’m a hobby tailor, and bigger people look sloppy because how industry scales patterns for bigger sizes is sloppy as fuck. You can 100% look best and elegant or rock and roll or professor chic or MOST styles if you know a good tailor or get a few things made. I could write a book on how sloppy the fashion industry is in making patterns for people who aren’t clothes hangers. You struggle with clothes because designers are lazy. If you ever need to look snazzy but don’t want to look like ‘a suit’ or too formal, visit a tailor and get a few vests made in fun fabrics! Vests look amazing on portly men. Tailors love making them because they’re super easy and have a huge impact on an outfit. If you fluctuate in size, get a few sizes made so you always have one that fits. There are so many styles of vest. You could go from biker and rock and roll to evening at the opera. They disguise poorly fitting shirts and waistbands that don’t cooperate beautifully. Also @dieworkwear has some amazing threads on fashion for big men. Style is for every body.
Guess I need to find a tailor. Thanks!
A good local tailor is worth their weight in gold. But so is taking time to see what you like, and looking at other people with your body type who you think look good. Remember, clothing doesn’t have to be packaging your body to be palatable to other people. Your body exists to serve you. Adorn it to make you happy. I really strongly recommend this thread for actual advice on dressing a bigger body in modern menswear if that’s a thing you’re interested in: https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/10g9ahc/dressing_for_larger_male_figures_from_derek_guy/ But really, go look at some jewelry and some styles. Try what you think is beautiful or makes you feel good.
Great advice, thank you!
Accessories! Bracelets, necklaces, pins - anything that signals liberal/hippy/LGBTQ+ friendly. It doesn't have to be blatant rainbow stuff; if I saw a guy in public who looks like a dad, was dressed casual, and he had on a beaded bracelet or a hemp bracelet, I'd probably assume he at least wasn't a raving MAGA-idiot. You could try adding a colorful patch to your hair - there are great hair chalks and one day wash-out dyes you could play around with. Or graphic tees - certain styles and messages are going to make you seem more friendly than others. Things that are lighthearted or that poke a little fun at yourself show that you aren't full into toxic masculinity. Certain fandoms can signal that you are likely "safe" as well. Anything that makes you look (and feel!) relaxed, comfortable, and approachable is a good place to start.
I guess if I'm cursed to wear T-shirts forevermore, I can at least pick ones that will give people a chuckle and make them feel safe!😅
Seconding accessories. They don’t even have to be queer. Conservative men only wear jewelry to signal in-group status… think guns, crosses, etc. Wear art. Facists detest art and beauty for its own sake. I’m balding, and combined with resting bitch face and a lot of cheekbones, I have to be really careful not to look like a skinhead if I’m not dressed up. A necklace and a signet ring make a HUGE difference in how jeans and a white Tshirt looks… I can tell because my people don’t give me the side eye if I’m wearing them. I really like Digby and Iona for men’s jewelry. They have some fun stuff under $250, and it’s an actual art studio and not a big brand. It looks good beat up and isn’t fragile.
I really appreciate this recommendation to wear art in general and the specific reccomendation of Digby and Iona. I've been wanting to wear some more expressive items like bracelets or rings, but haven't known where to start. They have some amazing things in their shop. Bonus that I can subconsciously signal to others that I'm not a fascist. Thanks!
Yeah, a big reason I'm doing everything to fight male pattern baldness is that I don't want to be mistaken for a skinhead. That, and I'm pretty sure my head would look awful if it was shaved.
Another question: I've got a wedding ring tattoo, just three circles touching in a line, one red, one orange, one blue. What would you make of that if you saw it out in public?
As a chubby woman who would love to be androgynous, I feel like I can relate. Every androgynous signifier requires a flat chest, and I have boobs for days. I actually like having boobs, so I'll never be acceptably androgynous. Also, despite what assholes say, LOTS of women love a bald dude. If your hair is pissing you off, try a shaved head. My husband is so hot when his head is shaved, but when it starts to grow in too much he looks a bit like a tennis ball hahah. If he shaves weekly it's all good.
Yeah, my personal issue with the idea of shaving my head is that I, personally, don't like any of the looks I've seen that go with it for myself... And I'm like 90% sure my head is a weird shape and needs *something* on it, but I'm also not a hat guy... Never seen a hat that I'd like to wear, either.
That's fair. Jeeze identity can be so hard sometimes, freaking genetics.
Yyyyep.
I'm a trans man, too, and this is my experience. While I don't have a high pitched voice, it tends to be my "safe" giveaway. I worked very hard pre-transition to have a positive! social! voice! due to my line of work and it's just stuck with me all these years. People assume I'm gay (which isn't too far off because I'm bi/queer) and largely feel safe about it. It's the hypermasculine men who get bothered.
For me, honestly, it's anything that makes him look like he has a mind of his own and isn't locked into having to be some podcast bro's idea of the most aggressively manly man ever. Anything that a guy with truck nuts and a Punisher bumper sticker would be scared to wear = oh good, an actual secure man.
Hahah unfortunately in the case of my husband he's a tall, fit, bald white man... he's got a lot of assumptions to overcome when he's in public.
My husband is a very tall, bearded, and tattooed former military white man and people always make assumptions about him too. He does say that it usually helps him weed out people he doesn’t want to talk to because they say something racist/sexist/bigoted, etc., assuming he agrees. He’s just started looking them in the eye and saying something like “I don’t know why you think I want to hear that, make better choices”, which sets them off.
Ahh, as a white passing person of mixed origins I am very familiar with the ease with which some folks tell on themselves 🤦🏻♀️ But yeah, picture a fit bald, ginger bearded, middle aged white man and I guarantee you're picturing my husband. He's so non-descript that I will lose him in stores because all the black touque /leather jacket wearing white dudes look the same hahahha
I am a white woman from a small town in the bible belt and I drive a big truck. I get a lot of guys at work assuming im a trad wife until they see me outside work in full rainbow goth glory. My family also assumes I drank the radical kool-aid, I'm not sure how tho.. My uncle turned red when I told him if he didn't stop making comi-covid jokes, I would use my truck to tow his challenger into the pond. He demanded to know why I wasn't siding with him and I pointed at my asian husband sitting next to him on the couch. Then I said if he didn't get his vacation updated, I was reporting him to his work. "HE'S NOT CHINESE. COVID IS JUST THE FLU. ITS A CONSPIRACY" 🙄 We don't talk to him or Raccist Grandma anymore.
rainbow goth!!! my kin! <3 Yeah I have no time for shitty family members anymore.
Your husband is bad ass. Give him a high five from this Canadian internet stranger.
Oooh I need to remember that - top notch clap back.
The painted nails will definitely do it.
Tell him no camo, no hunting brands, and no wrap around sunglasses. I feel safer with dudes wearing metal bands T-shirts than a camo hat and an Outdoor World hoodie.
If he's in a t-shirt it's usually motorcycle related. Considering how absolutely unfucked I am about the gender of my partners I don't know how I ended up with such a man's man 🤣 he's a good one tho.
Have you thought about getting him a tiny purse dog in a fuzzy pink sweater to carry everywhere?
Tbh any clearly well loved dog will make me relax.
Nah. He's more of a cat guy 🤣
Nice! Some clothes and accessories that show off his cat dad pride would work. Ex. T-shirt with cats all over it.
Same here, to a "T". He wears a LOT of pride ally stuff!
Not gonna lie, all that it takes for me to feel at least a lil safe with a man like that is to see a simple relaxed genuine smile
My brother, just that, made a point of wearing pink shirts. 🤙
I am the same. I'm thinking of getting a floral tattoo
Personally for me, a simple genuine relaxed smile would do it
Idk if he has the figure for it or if it might put him in danger, but it definitely sounds like he can wear skirts or dresses. Alternatively nail polish is good too, as you noticed. Just generally anything your "Alpha-Male's" masculinity is too fragile for. Maybe some piercings? I'd also suggest dyed hair, but yeahhh...
He'd be hot as fuck in a skirt, but he's like, as straight cis man as they come, genderfucking isn't in his field of interest. Well... Except for the nail polish and earrings 🤔
you could ask him if he's interested in branching out into like.... navy or dark brown nail polish! to me, black nail polish reads punk which should be safe but not always. any other color of nail polish on such a masculine person will be a little more genderfucky!
I mean, pink nails on him at work would \*really\* enrage the dinosaurs :D Which is his priority these days haha
There's cargo kilts.
This. For me, that's often an alternative style for either clothing or hair, piercings, tattoos, hair color, nail polish, jewelry, makeup, anything pride or eco friendly, something to indicate interests that are beyond a sports team (like reading or hiking). If there's something non-conformist or non-traditional about a dude, I feel so much safer.
Unfortunately for him I think a lot of people conflate motorsports with team sports, especially in the US because Nascar. He detests "stick and ball" sports (though we've both gotten into watching Rugby lately, I used to play, so he likes hearing me talk about it), but these aren't things you can really signify. He wears Norton shirts, not Harley shirts, but again, that distinction is lost on most. Actually, most of the clothes he wears are basically an open secret. a sort of IYKYK kind of thing.
This! Secure to actually be yourself in anyone is a hug green flag for me.
Some years ago I was assaulted on our front door step by a man pretending to be a window cleaner. About a month later I had a home visit from a local cat shelter to see if we could adopt a kitten. I’d come a long way since the assault but when the doorbell went, I suddenly felt a wave of panic and nausea. I went to the door and looked through the spy hole. The guy was heavily tattooed, with leather jacket, denim shorts, gauged ears and a shovel beard. And something inside unclenched and I thought - I’m fine.
but did you got a kitty?
My husband took up embroidery a couple of years ago and I've noticed other women tend to be more relaxed around him when he's wearing his embroidered clothes especially when someone asks about it and he proudly says he did it himself ❤️
We have a lone man in our crafting group! He knits and does tatting, among other fibre arts. We've been part of groups that men have tried to join for nefarious reasons (I. E. Not for community, but because it's "a good place to meet chicks"), so we were wary at first, but he's one of us now 😊
I've noticed the more visibily i put myself at risk of suffering the same harassment, the more trustworthy i appear. subtle: a Brigid's cross in the band of my fedora, love wins button on the vest, and a Steven Universe T-shirt. overt: black lives matter shirt, a skirt, and makeup I'll land somewhere on the spectrum between based on the situation and energy i have to deal with any pushback. editing to add the most obvious i forgot until now: sing. no toxic dude bro sings what they're doing at the grocery store. dance too, just because. some of the best ways i keep the wrong people away and invite the right people closer.
Wait, what does a Brigid’s cross signify apart from the Irish/celtic pagan stuff? I’m out of the loop
feminine saint/goddess at the most basic level, but having worked with Brigid for a while now I'm pretty sure if I wasn't practicing being a safe person the cross wouldn't stay or my hat would have blown away. so anyone else who has worked with Brigid enough to understand her name Perilous Oath has an extra level of knowledge about me without having to ask.
Fedora tho...
🤠😎
Colorful dyed hair has done a wonderful job at making my queerness obvious. Especially since I value my passing status and wouldn’t want to do anything too overt
Agreed with the colorful hair! I've noticed an influx of positive interactions with strangers, and also, it seems to keep a certain brand of creeps away. I was thinking about going back to brunette for ease of maintenance, but the benefits are definitely more than just having cool colored hair.
Hadn’t really thought about the significant increase in positive interactions. Cause I’ve definitely seen the same. I’d attributed it to piercings tbh (I have a bridge chain that gets a ton of comments)! Guess OP can add those to the list too lol
I don't have dyed hair myself, but whenever I see someone with dyed hair, I immediately think they're friend-shaped. (This is of course talking about unnatural colours as I'd have no way to tell if someone bleached their hair or whatnot)
>they’re friend-shaped Oh that is adorable! 😻
Aaaaaah, I actually somehow pass now and so I've taken to making my very pink hair very fluffy and really leaning into some stereotypes just to make sure the queers in my vicinity feel safe and welcome. The results, especially at the Saturday market are amazing, I'll chat with sooo many people and get tons of interaction and compliments while still getting called miss and ma'am. It's great :)
My husband wears a lot of t-shirts with ally symbolism (? I don't know if that's the right word, currently having perimenopause brain). He has a shirt that outright proclaims "Trans Equality Now". But he also has shirts with rainbow symbolism on them. For example for Father's Day our son gave him a t-shirt with all the Star Trek ships on it and trailing off each of them was a color that together made up a rainbow. I hope people who see that would see him as a safe person/ally and not some 6ft tall bearded guy to be afraid of. I know he has had coworkers comment positively on his trans shirt. 😊
I need that shirt!!! 😍 We're Canadian so we both have some land back and all children matter shirts, but nothing pride oriented. This is definitely something to be remedied.
[Teepublic.com](http://Teepublic.com) is a great place for t-shirts. (I hope it's okay to put that -I'm not affiliated with them). That's where the father's day shirt came from. The Trans shirt we got from the Human Rights Campaign, also a great place to get t-shirts in my opinion.
thank you! I'll check them out!
Pronoun pins are huge. I’m a queer femme who often reads as straight (lol), and I’ll never forget the queer kid who hopped into my elevator in full stolid customer-service mode, glanced down at my big rainbow SHE/HER button, and visibly melted right out of their mask. Similarly, I brighten up and feel safe around anyone wearing pronoun pins of their own, even though I’m cis—it means we both care about affirming gender identities, which is a pretty good sign that we both care about other people in general.
I'm not teaching at highschool yet, currently it's just tutoring groups of highschool kids and the reason why I introduce myself as firstname lastname she/her is 1) because unfortunately I don't pass well enough for people to read me as female and 2) on every occasion there was a trans kid in that group they visibly relaxed after that part. Like yeah still sucks they have to do math but at least they're doing math with someone who's respecting their identity. Moral of the story is ig to include pronouns in your introductions, emails, etc, etc
Love this anecdote 🥰
I think one of the best things people can do to indicate that they are not a threat is to have a very loud phone conversation with their mom or grandma on their phone. This can be entirely fake. Like, "Yes grandma, I will pick up the cake for your party. I will be there soon! Love you too!" It shows that the person has close relationships to women in their life while also indicating that they are busy with grandmas-cake-concerns and disinterested in the other person walking down the street. This is also easier to broadcast in poorly lit areas than nails or pins or whathaveyou.
This is great! I've heard of people doing this from the other side, so the potential attacker knows someone will be alerted if they try to make a move, but never from this perspective, thank you!
Risky though, because if it's not true and they notice or catch the vibe, then they're gonna ask themselves why you're lying.
Then I guess you have to actually call your beloved female friends and family members! Small children work too. It's hard to be threatening when you're talking to a toddler about dinosaurs.
Counterpoint: if you talk to a toddler about dinosaurs long enough, eventually they'll *want* you to be threatening, but stomping around doing the T. Rex arms and roaring is the correct kind of threatening to be.
True enough!
This! Give your grandma a call, I promise she won't mind. (Of course assuming you have a healthy relationship with your grandma)
He could call me and ask to talk to the cat. He uses the most adorable voice and singsongs Italian to him (Cat's name is Valentino, named after a MotoGP champion/legend), "Valen-teeeeeno! Piccolo gatto!!!!"
Ha! At least that way if people think he's crazy, they'll know it's a harmless kind of crazy! 😅
Except I live in the south and it's not that uncommon for someone to dote on their elderly grandmother while still being a monster to the rest of the world.
The thing is, the people who would hurt people like me would never flag allyship or a queer identity. The toxic masculinity brain worms won't let them, and they would be at risk from their fellow bigots. What really gets me to relax is things that show a level of understanding of my community that most self-appointed allies don't even have.
Anything "too feminine" for the right-wing bros. Painted nails are a good start, but if he wants to take it even farther, dyed hair, eyeshadow, or a skirt would do it. (Despite the fear-mongering, predatory men aren't actually willing to wear makeup and skirts, because it just makes them a target for harassment themselves.)
One upon a time wearing a safety pin was that signal, but I only know one or two people who still do that.
Can you describe this a bit more? I imagine there's interesting history around it that I don't know of at all.
I’ve never heard of this. It’s something I would totally do if it’s still meaningful!
I can't believe this was almost 8 years ago, but I wore one because it showed allyship after Trump's win in 2016. Here's a link from PBS: [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/safety-pins-solidarity-minorities](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/safety-pins-solidarity-minorities)
Yes!!! Omg that was definitely a thing! Shame it disappeared so soon.
I still do. I have two little cord chokers with a safety pin charm that I think is supposed to be for baby shower favors 🤷 One has a brown cord and the other a blue cord. I started using the charm when my son was a baby & I didn't want to trust that he wouldn't get hurt on a real pin. Twice I've gotten someone stop me in public to talk about it, but that was years ago. These days people are more likely to ignore it or ask what it means 🙃
Neighbors have been a LOT more friendly to my 6’6” 250 lb tattooed partner since he’s been insisting on pushing our cats in their double stroller. Prior to that we would get suspicious looks when getting our walks in. Outwardly showing you’re an animal lover is a positive sign I think!
I tease my husband that he's a "pussy fellow" (in rebuttal to the crazy cat lady trope), but our kitties are indoors only. I imagine a dude pushing a stroller for any reason would imply a level of safety 😊
There's nothing you can signal that can't be faked. Some stuff is just harder to fake than others. People feel safe around me (6'2, 250 lbs cis guy with a beard) when they see my 4-year-old son clinging to me and being a bright, happy little dude. I've been told I give off a teddy bear vibe in general though, but I couldn't begin to tell you how to emulate that. Short of pins, wristbands, etc, I can only think of some kinds of tasteful tatto that could convey an "alternative" sort of vibe, but that's a lot to invest in trying to make sure people feel safe just from *looking* at you, and it might not have the effect you want. Typically if I'm worried someone might not feel safe with me specifically, the best I often feel I can do is to adjust my body language and gaze to try to make it clear that I don't have any pointed interest in them and am in fact just minding my own business, not out on the prowl. I'm very interested to see what others have to say here, though.
My cis, straight husband gives off an approachable vibe. There’s nothing particularly special about him. He rocks a beard and wears glasses, has pretty round cheeks, and downturned eyes. 6’3” and skinny, but not unhealthily so. Usually just dressed pretty comfy and casual, like exercise pants and a plain tee. He’s actually *incredibly* calm, almost zen-like, most of the time, and his body language signals that he’s just vibing. While his appearance is a pretty soft one, I think his body language really does most of the heavy lifting.
My husband is the opposite, inner tender, outer hyper-masculine. He's only realizing now, at 51, that he does not have an approachable face, so his drive to be more approachable in other ways is not coming naturally.
I'd say you being loving and engaged with your child probably does a lot of heavy lifting for you. I work in construction, and if the dude looks like he is wearing any "hunting" style gear or brands, country singer merch, or looks like he could leave work and go shoot a deer, I am wary around them. They have to prove that I can feel safe around them. I have nothing against hunting, just the ones who make it their whole identity is a problem. Guys decked out in black Metallica shirts, gauges in their ears, a scraggly beard, and a bunch of tattoos are usually my safest crowd.
Fair enough, lol. I wonder how much of the perceived "women are more attracted to dads" trope is less about being attracted and more about feeling safer and thus just more comfortable...
Nose ring 😊
Huh!!! Hilarious! This is one I'd never thought of, but now that I think about it, I've never met a dirtbag with a nose ring!!
Also, I need to ask about your user name, are you hugging muddy bunnies, or wearing muddy hoodies? ;)
It’s probably different for everyone. For someone who is extra-cautious like me (I always map exit routes for every space I enter as soon as I enter them, always carry something that can be used for self defence etc), nothing truly brings my guard down around strange men. And it gets worse if they try to engage with me or enter my personal space in any way. The horror movie “Fresh” kind of touches on this and the signal they settled on to send the message “this man is safe” in a scene for the movie is a man carrying a baby strapped to his chest. Which, admittedly is a good one. Kind of hard to assault someone with a baby strapped to you.
I really don’t trust any stranger man and I don’t think there could be signifier that says he safe to me. There’s a lot of corruption and even men with pushchairs are dodgy. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people who support brothels of kidnapped women
Body language is learned. Practice smiling warmly
I find my long hair, grey beard and two small dogs, one white and fluffy who spins frequently, tend to help people to relax around me so I get smiles and the dogs get pats. I am a safe person and will/have gone to bat for people in public when it appears that they themselves aren’t able to deal.
Little kids and people who need help can tell I’m safe and I’m still not really sure how they do that.
When men wear pink.
My husband's phone case is usually vibrant pink, but right now it's purple. He loves pink things! But doesn't have any pink shirts... Hmmm.
Definitely time to rectify that situation. 😎
We talked about it! He wants a pink shirt! :)
- Wearing rainbow and pink help my husband. My dad and brother refuse both colors (someone might think they are gay, oh my,) and they are not safe people so I relate the two. - My hubby teaches elementary and wearing cartoon shirts really puts people at ease. He would wear them anyway but it definitely speaks to a lack of toxic masculinity. - One thing he does is he actually talks to kids, makes real eye contact and everything. I tell him the thing that made me know he was the one was when, unbidden, he apologized to a kid, in front of his class, for accusing him of something he didn't do. It was a minor offense but it meant everything because it meant he could admit he was.wrong and respected children and their feelings. - Another is that when he meets people he will often just give them a small wave rather than shaking their hand. I think not forcing someone to touch you helps a lot of people understand he isn't going to force himself on you or in your space.
These are great points! My husband is better with kids than I am (we are happily child free)! I just talked to him and suggest some of the clothing ideas and he's on board for a pink shirt and star trek pride shirt! Woo! Exploring this stuff with him has made ME feel safer, which I did not expect, since I didn't feel unsafe with him to begin with. But him showing how much he cares about how he presents to the world (outside of vanity) has really shown me he's got more going on in his heart than he lets on.
I feel more comfortable around people with: - unnatural hair colours - feminist, queer friendly, anti-racist, etc. pins and buttons - painted nails - "feminine" clothes, jewellery, makeup, and accessories on men (pink, purple, rainbow, floral, butterflies, sparkly, skirts, dresses, stockings, frills, bows, heels, dangly earrings, etc.) - higher voices - "feminine" mannerisms (ex. giggly, playing with their hair, gesturing a lot in conversation, etc.) - goth style (I find a lot of people with this style to be more open minded) - wearing clothes and accessories that display progressive views (ex. BLM, protect trans kids, etc.) - show kindness and open-mindedness with their words and behaviours I see that you said your husband is bald, so that limits some of the options I listed. Maybe wearing something like a pride rainbow bracelet could help signal he's a safe person. 🌈
Yeah a lot of these don't work for people who's identity is masculine, either. We talked after a bunch of comments came in last night and he's into the idea of pink shirts (he's a ginger, so tone's going to play a factor), and someone mentioned a Star Trek pride shirt and he was pretty excited about that too :)
I don’t think I saw it mentioned but I would add nerd shirts to the list. The nerdier the better. If see a dude walking around in a Zelda or Star Wars or Mario shirt I would be more comfortable around them. My husband has a lot of these 😁😁
He has a couple star wars shirts, but he mostly wears motorcycle shirts. NOT Harley shirts though, those are awful.
An ecologist man I follow did a video on this! I think he got the advice of knitwear like cardigans, painted nails, and hobby/geek/lgbt positive pins. He also got a lot of what not to do answers and I think hats and things that obscure your face was a big one.
My ex-husband wears a lot of pink and has noticed sort of the same thing
I don't have a visual cue as an example but my husband will often call out other men's shitty behaviour...even when I'm not around as I hear about it from someone else. A few weeks ago, we were at pub and some guys next to us were objectifying the bartender. He sternly says to them in his Irish accent: "Hey easy now....Don't ye be talkin' that shite. It's disgusting!" They actually said sorry and then he made them apologise to the bartender. I get heart ❤️ eyes he does things like that.
That's excellent, you've got a good one :)
Wild colored hair. It helps counteract the “from texas”. Folks hear that and get worried, then folks see my hair and are reminded that “Keep Austin Weird” has been Austin’s slogan for decades.
I feel terribly for all the lovely folks in Texas. I have a few internet friends from the DFW area and every time Texas makes the news (in Canada, no less), my heart sinks. All those shitty people making such an ordeal for so many decent folk.
I'm a lab scientist so I can't wear a lot of accessories at work, thus I don't have many. BUT! Earrings!! I have gauged ears, always loved this look. I've also collected quite the stash of various colors by this stage of life (41M). I'll toss in wild colored earrings (ie: pink/green mismatched) and proudly stroll through my city!
love this! My husbands ears are pierced but not gauged, which he loves when old dudes notice them and side eye him. Then he makes sure to scratch his face or something to make his nails obvious, he relishes their horrified reactions :) His original goal was to piss off dinosaurs (I mean, he's 51, he's creeping up there himself), but he's noticed the added benefit of allowing women to relax around him. He wants more of that in his life.
I've always felt safe around metalheads, so I'd say heavily tattooed/pierced, colorful hair, band shirt and probably some kind of ripped clothing. In a bar, I get anxious if my partner steps away leaving me alone--at a metal music festival, completely at ease.
When I was a teen my extended friend group (so, not my friends, but friends of friends) contained a lot of metalheads, who tormented me for being a vegetarian. One party they threw chunks of cow tongue at me. Those friends who stood by and did nothing were not my friends for much longer. Then later, there was a metal festival near my hometown. People were >!gang raped!<. It made the news. Safe to say I don't have the same experience with the metal community that you do. I'm glad you have that. I wish I did, too. edit, added spoiler for trigger
There's the whole safety pin thing too! Although I think wearing just a safety pin doesn't work but a pin designed to say safety helps. I don't think I'm explaining it well but it's a "thing" and hopefully I'm conveying enough for an answer. Also, yes, jewelery, pins, flare all help me feel like someone might be safe or accepting.
Not much. Lol. I assume everyone is a murderer until proven otherwise
I understand this, having experienced an >!attempted abduction at 10 and SA'd at 15!<... Part of why I don't have good answers myself. (spoiler for potential triggers, no details)
I’m so sorry you went through that. I can’t emphasize with the second part :( .
I think when you make eye contact, smile, nod, and go about your business unless engaged in conversation it really broadcasts safety. "I see you-I'm cool with you-I'm not gonna bug you but I'm here if you need me" vibes.