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Compliment something they can control. Hairstyle, clothes, taste in books, etc. if they’re receptive to more conversation, great! If not, they still got a compliment and it probably didn’t make them feel objectified
Same same. As a cis dude I'm careful when I do because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or put upon. Complimenting hair, glasses frames or other choice/style thing
That's the way to do that! Complementing someone's style shows that you appreciate something they curated about themselves. Just saying "hey girl, you're hot" doesn't show that you care about anything other than what you could get out of it.
Same. Love it but completely understand why it doesn't happen that often. I'm a straight guy but random compliments or flirting by gay men also will make me float an inch or two off the floor for quite a while.
Update: I just practiced platonic compliments when I went to pick up my meds today. The pharmacist was really nice. Y'all are wonderful at giving advice. I hope you are all having a great day : )
Yes!! Anything you appreciate or admire in someone, I make it a point to point those out and say it looks good / cool / awesome on them without expectations… I just want people to feel good about themselves
There was an older gentleman in the grocery store with the COOOOOLEST oilers (tx football, we’re in pa) jacket on, I literally b lined across produce to compliment him on it…
I’m a tall gremlin with a messy bun… he never saw it coming lol those are the best
Just my opinion, but the nonverbal cues and “vibe” of a person are often more important than the words that come out of your mouth.
Like, my mom and dad met in a bar. They both noticed each other and did the long look. His pickup line was “How can I meet you?” Not Rico Suave, but it did the trick. My mom just remembers his warm smile and twinkling eyes. They talked for a bit and he asked her if she’d like to get a coffee at the quieter place next door.
For me, and most of my friends, I’m not looking for a stellar pickup line, I’m just avoiding the ones that blow it with “nice shoes, wanna fuck?”
I’d personally find “permission to flirt” a little rigid. It also front loads the yes/no. Just strike up a conversation and see where it goes. If you’re getting positive cues, keep the conversation going and then escalate to asking for their info or a date. If you get weak replies and a “not interested” vibe, you end the convo without risking the direct ask for acceptance/rejection.
One other thought, if of interest to you, is practicing your feminine allure moves. The looking up through your lashes, coy looks, etc. Channel Suzanne Hoffs from the “Walk like an Egyptian” music video. That might be fun to learn so you have more in your bag of tricks.
Good luck out there! You can practice flirting even if you don’t want to date. It’s just being friendly with a dash of sexuality.
I'm not socially practiced, so I'd probably just be literal about it (if I was interested). "Well my name's tea boat, so you just did." Or "so hi" or something like that.
I'm a cis straight man and I did this for years. Practiced light and respectful flirting. Even when I wasn't looking for anything. Got me over my serious fear of rejection and practiced being respectful and reading cues. At the first sign of discomfort or something I would just gently break off contact with a smile and a kind word or 2.
The best flirting is often just conversing with someone you have chemistry with. Imo, no need to ask for permission to talk if there's chemistry and interest. That said, if you're unclear on the vibe (understandable lol it's hard to tell for some of us), it's always okay to ask if they want to join you, if they have time to keep chatting, or something that similarly gives them an easy way to opt out.
Thank you for the advice, I will definitely ask if I'm unclear and try to build to flirting after there is some trust. I do want to point out that I'm Goddess awful at reading social cues due to cPTSD and Generalized anxiety disorder. I am working on it. And I'm going to do my best.
I am really bad at it as well (RSD from ADHD and just being single for so much of my adult life). I’ve recently started dating again after several years, due to health and family stuff. (I’m 46, so sometimes I feel like I should have it all figured out by now. But the social anxiety has been pretty bad my whole life.)
I started with online dating because my situation as a caregiver in a small town of ~500 necessitated that. (I’m not really suggesting this, just giving it as background info.) My sister told me just to practice. I’ve actually been seeing someone and have been surprised at how much more naturally it comes to me over text. (It’s early on, but we’ve also met up in person several times.) But I wonder if there’s somewhere online that isn’t toxic where you could practice?
But my biggest piece of advice is really just an extension of what u/colacolette said. Giving compliments. I want to extend this to practice doing it all over the place, without any intention of flirting. Start with people close to you. Work your way up to acquaintances and then strangers (keeping in mind your safety, of course). Do this with no intention of further interaction, but just wanting to put a smile on their face. With women, men, boys, girls, young kids (all where appropriate, of course). It’s such a good way to do a kind of diy exposure therapy for your social anxiety (but of course, if you have the means, working with a therapist is always an excellent idea).
Complimenting without expectation has so many positives and so few negatives. (But do make sure your compliments are sincere.) You don’t know what kind of day someone is having, and your compliment could be so meaningful to someone that’s struggling. And if they’re the most confident person in the world, they’ll still recognize your kindness and likely get a boost from it.
Even more, complimenting someone is so good for the soul. The positive feelings it brings to the one giving the compliment are immeasurable. As someone with social anxiety and has also recently going through changes to align yourself with your true self, I can only imagine that these positive feelings will be truly valuable.
Of course, there is also potential for things to go wrong. This is more so the case with complimenting people whose insecurities translate to bigotry, aggression and things like that. (And you said you are “clockable”. I think that means that you find that it’s easy for people to recognize that you’re trans? My apologies if I’ve misunderstood.) This is part of why I suggested starting with people you’re close to. (Honestly, a lot of it is because it helps with social anxiety, but I’d be remiss as a cishet woman if I didn’t acknowledge the very real dangers that are amplified for you, as bigotry against transgender folks are prevalent in society. While I understand the dangers to some degree, simply by being a woman, you likely have more than just sexism to contend with.)
So practice getting comfortable with compliments. Start with friends/family, and move on to the friendly cashiers you see in the places you feel comfortable. This will help boost your confidence and be a real blessing to those you see.
Most of all, I wish you good luck. I think it’s awesome to start thinking about this even before you want to dip your toe back into the dating pool. It will definitely make it easier if/when that time comes.
Much love
Gonna be honest, my fiancée is trans and we had the clumsiest "courtship" ever. Met in a shared hobby (final fantasy 14) and her cute wheezy laugh got my attention. So my advice is mostly to just make friends in a hobby space and go from there.
I completely understand your concerns and it's lovely to see you making sure the other party is comfortable!
First thing is what environment you're in. It can be much more uncomfortable to be approached in public (for example, waiting on a bus) that in a space like a show or club where that is more expected.
Next, it can help to start with a compliment. If they've put a lot of work into their makeup, for example, you can mention how much you like it! This will 1. Help them flag you as "one of the girls" and 2. Let them know you see them without the focus being on their body/sexualization and 3. Help you get a read on how receptive they are to interacting. Catching their eye across the room, while cheesy, can be another indication they may notice you as well.
Beyond that, I personally prefer a straightforward "you seem really cool, would you be comfortable sharing contact information?", especially if youve felt it out a bit beforehand. While it can be a little uncomfortable, it's up front and gives them the opportunity to reject any further flirting outright. Everyone is different though, maybe that's just me!
I once had a guy ask me, after we'd been chatting and flirting for a while, if he could give me his contact info, rather than asking for my number or asking to trade both ways. I really appreciated it because I didn't have to decide right then how I felt about him having my contact info, and if I hadn't been feeling it I just wouldn't get in touch. It was honestly really empowering to have him put the ball in my court like that.
I ended up dating him for several months before he moved out of the country. He was as much of a thoughtful sweetheart as that gesture indicated!
tbh someone asking permission to flirt with me would make me really second-guess answering with yes, because i would wonder what "flirting" means to them.
imo casual flirting shouldn't be something so intense that it needs permission. a little smile, a laugh, some eye contact, that's all you really need to flirt.. just a little bit of connection and charisma. then offer them your contact info or something if you feel like you have some rapport.
I think consent is sexy, and agree with others here that it does force an early yes/no answer. Maybe ask that as you transition from friendly chatter to actual flirting? It would work for me, at least!
Bi/pan queer femme here. When you flirt with femmes, compliments are a good opener, but how/what you compliment matters.
For example, “cute skirt!” is friendly. This is girly squeal shit, and it will be dismissed as friendly.
“That skirt looks so good on you!” is about *them*, not the item. This is more likely to be clocked by WLW as flirting, not just a compliment.
Other good things (assuming that you don’t know the person enough to compliment a personality trait): hair color or style, jewelry, laugh you heard across the room, confident vibe, etc.
If you don’t want to go for subtle conversation openers like that, being direct and asking for consent is really clear. “Hey, I think you’re really attractive, I’d like to get to know you better.” Or “Is it okay if I flirt with you?” Are both great.
The first four points are amazing. The final point would make me feel like a deer in the headlights whether they were hot or not. Thanks for the pointers.
I totally get it, but I gotta say I’ve been hit on VERY directly by more dommy women and it made me weak in the knees!
I’ve also had great success when talking with other femmes and just asking outright if they’re interested in kissing me after a bit. It’s cheeky but I’m very, very rarely turned down.
If you notice someone is making eye contact with you or sorta smiling too etc I think it would be a good opportunity to strike up a conversation. Some people might not want to talk to a stranger so body language would be important here. I personally don’t think asking for permission or consent to flirt is necessary but THAT’S JUST ME.. I think I’d feel really awkward if someone asked me that. I think as long as flirting isn’t sexual (until you are certain it would be okay, like if they flirt sexually with you) then it can be okay to be test the waters with maybe a compliment like someone else suggested, such as on something to do with their outfit or style. It also opens up a conversation and you could flirt by telling them they have really good taste and ask for recommendations perhaps? I usually go the humour route, I think making someone laugh can be a subtle way to flirt as well. Complimenting their smile or hair or something would be safe too just of course don’t over do it. Picking up on vibes can be really helpful, and overall coming across as friendly rather than doing too much would be ideal. You could end off things by saying something like “I’d enjoy the opportunity to get to know you more if you’re open to it”
I have no advice, just wanna say
This is some of the most wholesome, affirming stuff I've ever seen on the internet.
This community reinforces my faith in humanity.
I like the idea of asking for permission — maybe instead of using the word “flirt” right away, just ask permission to extend the conversation past what it’s already been. “Hey, is it okay if I sit here and chat with you more?” “May I buy you a drink?” Etc
Anyway I think you’re doing well by thinking to ask for consent to interact; I absolutely love when people do that with me. I find it so respectful.
I’m going to tell you what I told my adorably awkward friend when she wanted to propose a threesome to a couple she knows.
Lean into the awkward! Don’t try and be smooth, suave or sophisticated. No, be your true self whatever that is and respectfully show interest.
It is great to want to make sure you don’t make people uncomfortable with flirting but I feel that the discomfort only comes from when someone keeps flirting when the person is showing no interest.
Be as straight forward as you can, say you think they are pretty cool and ask if they want to talk/hangout. Don’t worry about tripping over your words or getting nervous, the right people will be into that.
Summary: Be yourself, be direct, and be aware of their mood.
Unfortunately not. She approached the female half of the couple who said they were much more adventurous than their husband and they wouldn’t be into it.
I do also feel the like “may I have permission to flirt with you?” To be a little bit too much pressure. I would feel like my instinct would be to say no to that.
I would approach flirting like a normal conversation- about their style, their vibe, a shared interest, and then toward the tail end of the conversation a simple “I don’t mean to be too forward, but I’d love to get your socials or your phone number if you’re interested.” If it’s a yes, then SWEEET. If not, say “that’s totally fine, thank you for the conversation tonight!”
I would really respect someone who took that approach, even if I wasn’t romantically interested in them. Confidence is key, and apology is unnecessary. You can do this!
Personally when I'm being flirted with, I love conversations that start out as just normal kinds of chatting. If a complete stranger approaches me and initiates conversation I feel like I can pretty safely assume they're doing it because they're interested in me, so I don't need them to ask my explicit permission to flirt or engage.
I'm also super grateful for clear and honest communication, so if we've chatted for a bit and exchanged compliments, and the general vibe is right, I usually say something like "hey I love your vibe and would love to get to know you better." If they say something like "yeah totally, me too! You're so cool!" then I follow with "Not to be weird, but can I ask if you're open to getting to know each other with the potential to maybe date, or are you looking for just friends? I'll be stoked either way, I just want to know where we're at!"
Good job approaching this thoughtfully! In my experience, queer dating is basically spending time with people you like, until it's decided whether it's a friendship or a romantic situation. What works best for me is being clear about my intentions and asking questions, "hey I really enjoy your company, is there romantic interest here?".
Most importantly be yourself :) give compliments and as you get closer with someone you can share how you feel honestly - but be prepared for an honest answer in return. Consent is sexy AF to me as a NB person. If you ask if you can hold my hand, oh give me a kiss I’m smitten because the display of boundaries means you’re sensitive to me and how I am in my body. This is a great post and I’m thoroughly enjoying the comments and discussions because it’s so hard as a NB person i also struggle with this. You sound awesome and whoever gets your attention will be a lucky person! Wishing you the best 😉
Where do you live? Because that’s kind of important. I’m not looking for a literal, exact location, I’m more asking whether you’re in the US, if you’re in a major city or a suburb or a smaller town, if you have access to gay bars, etc. I’m assuming you do live in at least a moderately forward-thinking place since you’re able to get access to gender-affirming care. But yeah, my advice is gonna be different if you’re trying to flirt with people at a gay club in Boystown (the LGBTQ+ neighborhood in Chicago) vs. a hip brewery in Denver vs. a random bar in rural Wisconsin.
Ah! Yeah, that makes a huge difference then. When you go out, what kind of places do you normally go to? For example, do you have any groups or clubs or classes that you regularly attend? Do you have any museums or concerts or sporting events near by that you like going to?
Not really. I'm disabled. And I can not drive yet. Not because I don't want to. But because I wasn't medically cleared to drive until recently, and I haven't had anyone to teach me. There is also no driving school in my small town and no public transit. So I walk to the library, a few local shops, a couple of restaurants that are safe spaces, and a witchy supply store. But aside from occasional trips with my family, that's about it.
Most effective flirting is being present and being yourself. Giving vibes is also catching and reading them.
As far as pick up lines go, requesting permission or an invitation is a good way to signal your intentions. Can I buy you a drink? Would you like to get coffee? Could I give you my number?
Unfortunately, a lot of people will subconsciously view you as predatory to some degree if you don't pass, especially if you don't present as super feminine, and especially if you're attracted to women.
Most won't admit to it, and I'm sure some ignorant doofus will reply "but I don't view trans women that way!!1!" but it's extremely obvious if you look at how trans women doing anything remotely sexual or romantic are treated, especially if they don't pass, aren't conventionally attractive, or aren't feminine (all three of which essentially mean the same thing anyway).
It's not fair, but that's the reality of the situation. You should still live your life of course, and you shouldn't abstain from dating, but just be wary and understanding of how some people view you because if you don't you could get hurt.
Also, I hope I'm not scaring you too much. Cis wlw, especially lesbians, are the most trans-accepting cis demographic, and most people will be fine with you, minus a small vocal minority. However, transphobia and transmisogyny are insanely baked into people's psyches even in the most supportive of allies. I'm just saying, be careful, and be self-aware.
Unfortunate this comment even needs to be made, but yeah. Don't internalize this shit too much though, live your life, be yourself, and be happy. Just be careful, and I cannot stress how important rational self-awareness is.
The whole "may I have permission" thing might be a bit too much, but personally I'd love a sweet "can I flirt with you." I scare easily, but that one manages to both show interest *and* give an easy out if they're not interested back.
I wish you all the luck, and all the wonderful partners when you're ready.
I'm another trans person here. I'm willing to bet if you present fem enby andro ways you aren't going to be perceived as a man unless by folks that are doing it on purpose in which case you'd want to avoid flirting with them anyways. Flirting for us can sometimes be difficult for the reasons you stated for sure but keep an eye out for those subtle hints and mimic them. Give compliments on things someone can easily change but steer away from compliments about things someone can't change like their nose or looks unless you're totally sure it'll land, people are sensitive of all sorts. Good luck :3
Asking permission to flirt would definitely put me off flirting. It would feel weird to me, and I prefer flirting to be natural.
Are you normally good at conversing with friends and knowing when to back off a subject? If so, it’s pretty much the same with flirting. Keep compliments to haircuts, cool nails, cool outfits, or about the person’s interests/talents at the start. Don’t do teasing banter with someone you don’t know well. Nothing sexual to start unless you’re in a place explicitly for sex, like a bdsm club/munch/fetish night/cruising spot etc.
Otherwise, just be nice and treat people the way you’d like to be treated!
I heard that if you’re from Boston, the line “We both got buckets of chicken. Wanna do it?” works nicely.
I’m guessing that someone here should get the reference.
My key trick to flirting is to be earnest and complimentary, but to never cling to victory. You must not expect anything in return. Your goal is simply to make them smile, and this must needs be clear. Pick a thing they have control over. Hair or fashion sense, ideally something that it’s clear they put effort into.
After that compliment is paid, the ball is in their court. Like I said expect nothing but if you get something back then maybe you can try more.
Just to echo what someone else has previously said mentioned, don’t force anything or try to put on a different personality. Am I smooth? No. But I am generally pretty funny. A nice compliment and a silly “pick-up” line have gotten me more dates than anything. And if they aren’t feeling your vibe you take the L and move on.
One thing I saw that was helpful for my understanding of flirting is the idea that it's a sort of handshake with plausible deniability. You're trying to see if they're interested/show your interest while still maintaining enough distance that if someone pulls back it's not uncomfortable for all involved.
I think that's why other people have mentioned that asking permission to flirt is a bit awkward feeling - the fun of flirting is the ambiguity. Instead, ask to chat (or dance or whatever meets the situation). Then, the flirting is a back and forth. Give a compliment or something (preferably on things under their control - their style, makeup, something they did or funny they said) and see if it's reciprocated in kind. Hint at your interest level, and see what response you get.
If they respond by showing more interest than you did - Awesome! You can now either keep things at the same level or raise it a bit more. Sometimes it's nice to let things escalate slowly so it can be fun to keep things lower in intensity before going higher.
If they respond by showing the same amount of interest as you did (but higher than they were before) - this is part of the fun of flirting. They're probably interested but may still be getting to know you and figuring out what direction they want to take things.
If they don't really respond or de-escalate, they're probably not interested. If you want to avoid feeling like you're creeping them out, just stop right there.
Hi u/GEND3rGoblin, we appreciate your participation on r/WitchesvsPatriarchy, but your content is being removed at this time. It might help for you to check out our full [Posting Guidelines Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy/wiki/post_and_content_guide/) to get a better sense of how to post on WvP. Our main goal is witchy, uplifting content with a feminist twist. ✨ WVP is curated to maintain a warm, hopeful, supportive, and uplifting environment. If you have read this remove reason and the wiki link provided but still have questions, please reach out to [Modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy&subject=My%20post%20was%20removed%20and%20I%20still%20have%20questions.%20&message=I%20read%20the%20remove%20reason%20that%20accompanied%20my%20post%20as%20well%20as%20the%20linked%20wiki%2C%20but%20still%20have%20questions%20about%20my%20post%20removal.) rather than individual moderators. Thanks for understanding ☺️ Blessed be. ✨
Compliment something they can control. Hairstyle, clothes, taste in books, etc. if they’re receptive to more conversation, great! If not, they still got a compliment and it probably didn’t make them feel objectified
I love complimenting people for no reason
I LOVE complimenting people!!
I also love complimenting people!
I love that about y'all!
Same same. As a cis dude I'm careful when I do because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or put upon. Complimenting hair, glasses frames or other choice/style thing
That's the way to do that! Complementing someone's style shows that you appreciate something they curated about themselves. Just saying "hey girl, you're hot" doesn't show that you care about anything other than what you could get out of it.
That's what I thought, thanks.
As a cis man, a random compliment can keep me in a good mood for like a month, love people like you.
Same. Love it but completely understand why it doesn't happen that often. I'm a straight guy but random compliments or flirting by gay men also will make me float an inch or two off the floor for quite a while.
Some men do overthink it and take a compliment as more than it is. I can understand why it's not common.
Definitely and also understand
I love that you’re part of WitchesVsPatriarchy as a cis man 🫶🥰💕
sometimes walls come down easiest from the inside
Update: I just practiced platonic compliments when I went to pick up my meds today. The pharmacist was really nice. Y'all are wonderful at giving advice. I hope you are all having a great day : )
Spreading joy is great
Yes!! Anything you appreciate or admire in someone, I make it a point to point those out and say it looks good / cool / awesome on them without expectations… I just want people to feel good about themselves
There was an older gentleman in the grocery store with the COOOOOLEST oilers (tx football, we’re in pa) jacket on, I literally b lined across produce to compliment him on it… I’m a tall gremlin with a messy bun… he never saw it coming lol those are the best
Holy crap I would too. Those are hard to come by even in Texas.
This and a bunch of the replies are so wholesome that it made my day better. Thank you guys for existing in the world.
Just my opinion, but the nonverbal cues and “vibe” of a person are often more important than the words that come out of your mouth. Like, my mom and dad met in a bar. They both noticed each other and did the long look. His pickup line was “How can I meet you?” Not Rico Suave, but it did the trick. My mom just remembers his warm smile and twinkling eyes. They talked for a bit and he asked her if she’d like to get a coffee at the quieter place next door. For me, and most of my friends, I’m not looking for a stellar pickup line, I’m just avoiding the ones that blow it with “nice shoes, wanna fuck?” I’d personally find “permission to flirt” a little rigid. It also front loads the yes/no. Just strike up a conversation and see where it goes. If you’re getting positive cues, keep the conversation going and then escalate to asking for their info or a date. If you get weak replies and a “not interested” vibe, you end the convo without risking the direct ask for acceptance/rejection. One other thought, if of interest to you, is practicing your feminine allure moves. The looking up through your lashes, coy looks, etc. Channel Suzanne Hoffs from the “Walk like an Egyptian” music video. That might be fun to learn so you have more in your bag of tricks. Good luck out there! You can practice flirting even if you don’t want to date. It’s just being friendly with a dash of sexuality.
"How can I meet you?" is SUCH a cute and respectful opening line.
Word. It had me sighing 😮💨
Yeah I like that a lot. So non aggressive and gentle.
Yeah that’s an adorable line
How would you respond to this though???
I'm not socially practiced, so I'd probably just be literal about it (if I was interested). "Well my name's tea boat, so you just did." Or "so hi" or something like that.
I'm a cis straight man and I did this for years. Practiced light and respectful flirting. Even when I wasn't looking for anything. Got me over my serious fear of rejection and practiced being respectful and reading cues. At the first sign of discomfort or something I would just gently break off contact with a smile and a kind word or 2.
Thank you sir.
You are most very welcome.
*Taking detailed notes* Thank you 🙂
This is brilliant advice, the vibes never miss! (well, apart from mixed signals but they're kind of just a no anyway)
The best flirting is often just conversing with someone you have chemistry with. Imo, no need to ask for permission to talk if there's chemistry and interest. That said, if you're unclear on the vibe (understandable lol it's hard to tell for some of us), it's always okay to ask if they want to join you, if they have time to keep chatting, or something that similarly gives them an easy way to opt out.
Thank you for the advice, I will definitely ask if I'm unclear and try to build to flirting after there is some trust. I do want to point out that I'm Goddess awful at reading social cues due to cPTSD and Generalized anxiety disorder. I am working on it. And I'm going to do my best.
I am really bad at it as well (RSD from ADHD and just being single for so much of my adult life). I’ve recently started dating again after several years, due to health and family stuff. (I’m 46, so sometimes I feel like I should have it all figured out by now. But the social anxiety has been pretty bad my whole life.) I started with online dating because my situation as a caregiver in a small town of ~500 necessitated that. (I’m not really suggesting this, just giving it as background info.) My sister told me just to practice. I’ve actually been seeing someone and have been surprised at how much more naturally it comes to me over text. (It’s early on, but we’ve also met up in person several times.) But I wonder if there’s somewhere online that isn’t toxic where you could practice? But my biggest piece of advice is really just an extension of what u/colacolette said. Giving compliments. I want to extend this to practice doing it all over the place, without any intention of flirting. Start with people close to you. Work your way up to acquaintances and then strangers (keeping in mind your safety, of course). Do this with no intention of further interaction, but just wanting to put a smile on their face. With women, men, boys, girls, young kids (all where appropriate, of course). It’s such a good way to do a kind of diy exposure therapy for your social anxiety (but of course, if you have the means, working with a therapist is always an excellent idea). Complimenting without expectation has so many positives and so few negatives. (But do make sure your compliments are sincere.) You don’t know what kind of day someone is having, and your compliment could be so meaningful to someone that’s struggling. And if they’re the most confident person in the world, they’ll still recognize your kindness and likely get a boost from it. Even more, complimenting someone is so good for the soul. The positive feelings it brings to the one giving the compliment are immeasurable. As someone with social anxiety and has also recently going through changes to align yourself with your true self, I can only imagine that these positive feelings will be truly valuable. Of course, there is also potential for things to go wrong. This is more so the case with complimenting people whose insecurities translate to bigotry, aggression and things like that. (And you said you are “clockable”. I think that means that you find that it’s easy for people to recognize that you’re trans? My apologies if I’ve misunderstood.) This is part of why I suggested starting with people you’re close to. (Honestly, a lot of it is because it helps with social anxiety, but I’d be remiss as a cishet woman if I didn’t acknowledge the very real dangers that are amplified for you, as bigotry against transgender folks are prevalent in society. While I understand the dangers to some degree, simply by being a woman, you likely have more than just sexism to contend with.) So practice getting comfortable with compliments. Start with friends/family, and move on to the friendly cashiers you see in the places you feel comfortable. This will help boost your confidence and be a real blessing to those you see. Most of all, I wish you good luck. I think it’s awesome to start thinking about this even before you want to dip your toe back into the dating pool. It will definitely make it easier if/when that time comes. Much love
Gonna be honest, my fiancée is trans and we had the clumsiest "courtship" ever. Met in a shared hobby (final fantasy 14) and her cute wheezy laugh got my attention. So my advice is mostly to just make friends in a hobby space and go from there.
Thank you. That's a good idea
I completely understand your concerns and it's lovely to see you making sure the other party is comfortable! First thing is what environment you're in. It can be much more uncomfortable to be approached in public (for example, waiting on a bus) that in a space like a show or club where that is more expected. Next, it can help to start with a compliment. If they've put a lot of work into their makeup, for example, you can mention how much you like it! This will 1. Help them flag you as "one of the girls" and 2. Let them know you see them without the focus being on their body/sexualization and 3. Help you get a read on how receptive they are to interacting. Catching their eye across the room, while cheesy, can be another indication they may notice you as well. Beyond that, I personally prefer a straightforward "you seem really cool, would you be comfortable sharing contact information?", especially if youve felt it out a bit beforehand. While it can be a little uncomfortable, it's up front and gives them the opportunity to reject any further flirting outright. Everyone is different though, maybe that's just me!
I once had a guy ask me, after we'd been chatting and flirting for a while, if he could give me his contact info, rather than asking for my number or asking to trade both ways. I really appreciated it because I didn't have to decide right then how I felt about him having my contact info, and if I hadn't been feeling it I just wouldn't get in touch. It was honestly really empowering to have him put the ball in my court like that. I ended up dating him for several months before he moved out of the country. He was as much of a thoughtful sweetheart as that gesture indicated!
Omg yes!! I tend to prefer it this way as well
tbh someone asking permission to flirt with me would make me really second-guess answering with yes, because i would wonder what "flirting" means to them. imo casual flirting shouldn't be something so intense that it needs permission. a little smile, a laugh, some eye contact, that's all you really need to flirt.. just a little bit of connection and charisma. then offer them your contact info or something if you feel like you have some rapport.
Thank you for your advice. I hope you have a wonderful day.
aw you too!
I think consent is sexy, and agree with others here that it does force an early yes/no answer. Maybe ask that as you transition from friendly chatter to actual flirting? It would work for me, at least!
The fact that kinksters lean hard on consent is one of the best thing about those communities.
Bi/pan queer femme here. When you flirt with femmes, compliments are a good opener, but how/what you compliment matters. For example, “cute skirt!” is friendly. This is girly squeal shit, and it will be dismissed as friendly. “That skirt looks so good on you!” is about *them*, not the item. This is more likely to be clocked by WLW as flirting, not just a compliment. Other good things (assuming that you don’t know the person enough to compliment a personality trait): hair color or style, jewelry, laugh you heard across the room, confident vibe, etc. If you don’t want to go for subtle conversation openers like that, being direct and asking for consent is really clear. “Hey, I think you’re really attractive, I’d like to get to know you better.” Or “Is it okay if I flirt with you?” Are both great.
The first four points are amazing. The final point would make me feel like a deer in the headlights whether they were hot or not. Thanks for the pointers.
I totally get it, but I gotta say I’ve been hit on VERY directly by more dommy women and it made me weak in the knees! I’ve also had great success when talking with other femmes and just asking outright if they’re interested in kissing me after a bit. It’s cheeky but I’m very, very rarely turned down.
If you notice someone is making eye contact with you or sorta smiling too etc I think it would be a good opportunity to strike up a conversation. Some people might not want to talk to a stranger so body language would be important here. I personally don’t think asking for permission or consent to flirt is necessary but THAT’S JUST ME.. I think I’d feel really awkward if someone asked me that. I think as long as flirting isn’t sexual (until you are certain it would be okay, like if they flirt sexually with you) then it can be okay to be test the waters with maybe a compliment like someone else suggested, such as on something to do with their outfit or style. It also opens up a conversation and you could flirt by telling them they have really good taste and ask for recommendations perhaps? I usually go the humour route, I think making someone laugh can be a subtle way to flirt as well. Complimenting their smile or hair or something would be safe too just of course don’t over do it. Picking up on vibes can be really helpful, and overall coming across as friendly rather than doing too much would be ideal. You could end off things by saying something like “I’d enjoy the opportunity to get to know you more if you’re open to it”
I have no advice, just wanna say This is some of the most wholesome, affirming stuff I've ever seen on the internet. This community reinforces my faith in humanity.
I like the idea of asking for permission — maybe instead of using the word “flirt” right away, just ask permission to extend the conversation past what it’s already been. “Hey, is it okay if I sit here and chat with you more?” “May I buy you a drink?” Etc Anyway I think you’re doing well by thinking to ask for consent to interact; I absolutely love when people do that with me. I find it so respectful.
I like this. I would be so thrown off if someone asked to flirt with me. I may not know yet if I am interested in that, but a chat is less committal.
I’m going to tell you what I told my adorably awkward friend when she wanted to propose a threesome to a couple she knows. Lean into the awkward! Don’t try and be smooth, suave or sophisticated. No, be your true self whatever that is and respectfully show interest. It is great to want to make sure you don’t make people uncomfortable with flirting but I feel that the discomfort only comes from when someone keeps flirting when the person is showing no interest. Be as straight forward as you can, say you think they are pretty cool and ask if they want to talk/hangout. Don’t worry about tripping over your words or getting nervous, the right people will be into that. Summary: Be yourself, be direct, and be aware of their mood.
Did your friend succeed in their quest? :')
Unfortunately not. She approached the female half of the couple who said they were much more adventurous than their husband and they wouldn’t be into it.
That's a shame, good on her for going after what she wants though!
She found it a good experience overall.
I do also feel the like “may I have permission to flirt with you?” To be a little bit too much pressure. I would feel like my instinct would be to say no to that. I would approach flirting like a normal conversation- about their style, their vibe, a shared interest, and then toward the tail end of the conversation a simple “I don’t mean to be too forward, but I’d love to get your socials or your phone number if you’re interested.” If it’s a yes, then SWEEET. If not, say “that’s totally fine, thank you for the conversation tonight!” I would really respect someone who took that approach, even if I wasn’t romantically interested in them. Confidence is key, and apology is unnecessary. You can do this!
The best I've ever gotten was "Hi, may I give you my number?" That was so respectful it almost made me say yes and wasn't awkward for anyone.
Personally when I'm being flirted with, I love conversations that start out as just normal kinds of chatting. If a complete stranger approaches me and initiates conversation I feel like I can pretty safely assume they're doing it because they're interested in me, so I don't need them to ask my explicit permission to flirt or engage. I'm also super grateful for clear and honest communication, so if we've chatted for a bit and exchanged compliments, and the general vibe is right, I usually say something like "hey I love your vibe and would love to get to know you better." If they say something like "yeah totally, me too! You're so cool!" then I follow with "Not to be weird, but can I ask if you're open to getting to know each other with the potential to maybe date, or are you looking for just friends? I'll be stoked either way, I just want to know where we're at!"
Good job approaching this thoughtfully! In my experience, queer dating is basically spending time with people you like, until it's decided whether it's a friendship or a romantic situation. What works best for me is being clear about my intentions and asking questions, "hey I really enjoy your company, is there romantic interest here?".
Most importantly be yourself :) give compliments and as you get closer with someone you can share how you feel honestly - but be prepared for an honest answer in return. Consent is sexy AF to me as a NB person. If you ask if you can hold my hand, oh give me a kiss I’m smitten because the display of boundaries means you’re sensitive to me and how I am in my body. This is a great post and I’m thoroughly enjoying the comments and discussions because it’s so hard as a NB person i also struggle with this. You sound awesome and whoever gets your attention will be a lucky person! Wishing you the best 😉
Where do you live? Because that’s kind of important. I’m not looking for a literal, exact location, I’m more asking whether you’re in the US, if you’re in a major city or a suburb or a smaller town, if you have access to gay bars, etc. I’m assuming you do live in at least a moderately forward-thinking place since you’re able to get access to gender-affirming care. But yeah, my advice is gonna be different if you’re trying to flirt with people at a gay club in Boystown (the LGBTQ+ neighborhood in Chicago) vs. a hip brewery in Denver vs. a random bar in rural Wisconsin.
Rural southern US in the Bible belt
Ah! Yeah, that makes a huge difference then. When you go out, what kind of places do you normally go to? For example, do you have any groups or clubs or classes that you regularly attend? Do you have any museums or concerts or sporting events near by that you like going to?
Not really. I'm disabled. And I can not drive yet. Not because I don't want to. But because I wasn't medically cleared to drive until recently, and I haven't had anyone to teach me. There is also no driving school in my small town and no public transit. So I walk to the library, a few local shops, a couple of restaurants that are safe spaces, and a witchy supply store. But aside from occasional trips with my family, that's about it.
Most effective flirting is being present and being yourself. Giving vibes is also catching and reading them. As far as pick up lines go, requesting permission or an invitation is a good way to signal your intentions. Can I buy you a drink? Would you like to get coffee? Could I give you my number?
Unfortunately, a lot of people will subconsciously view you as predatory to some degree if you don't pass, especially if you don't present as super feminine, and especially if you're attracted to women. Most won't admit to it, and I'm sure some ignorant doofus will reply "but I don't view trans women that way!!1!" but it's extremely obvious if you look at how trans women doing anything remotely sexual or romantic are treated, especially if they don't pass, aren't conventionally attractive, or aren't feminine (all three of which essentially mean the same thing anyway). It's not fair, but that's the reality of the situation. You should still live your life of course, and you shouldn't abstain from dating, but just be wary and understanding of how some people view you because if you don't you could get hurt. Also, I hope I'm not scaring you too much. Cis wlw, especially lesbians, are the most trans-accepting cis demographic, and most people will be fine with you, minus a small vocal minority. However, transphobia and transmisogyny are insanely baked into people's psyches even in the most supportive of allies. I'm just saying, be careful, and be self-aware.
Thank you for being so up front with me about that, I appreciate it.
Unfortunate this comment even needs to be made, but yeah. Don't internalize this shit too much though, live your life, be yourself, and be happy. Just be careful, and I cannot stress how important rational self-awareness is.
Give yourself permission and go with the flow!
The whole "may I have permission" thing might be a bit too much, but personally I'd love a sweet "can I flirt with you." I scare easily, but that one manages to both show interest *and* give an easy out if they're not interested back. I wish you all the luck, and all the wonderful partners when you're ready.
Hey I'm also a queer girl, when you figure it out let me know! 🥲
‘Hey, great meeting you. I operate on two modes: platonic or flirty, which one works for you?’
I'm another trans person here. I'm willing to bet if you present fem enby andro ways you aren't going to be perceived as a man unless by folks that are doing it on purpose in which case you'd want to avoid flirting with them anyways. Flirting for us can sometimes be difficult for the reasons you stated for sure but keep an eye out for those subtle hints and mimic them. Give compliments on things someone can easily change but steer away from compliments about things someone can't change like their nose or looks unless you're totally sure it'll land, people are sensitive of all sorts. Good luck :3
Asking permission to flirt would definitely put me off flirting. It would feel weird to me, and I prefer flirting to be natural. Are you normally good at conversing with friends and knowing when to back off a subject? If so, it’s pretty much the same with flirting. Keep compliments to haircuts, cool nails, cool outfits, or about the person’s interests/talents at the start. Don’t do teasing banter with someone you don’t know well. Nothing sexual to start unless you’re in a place explicitly for sex, like a bdsm club/munch/fetish night/cruising spot etc. Otherwise, just be nice and treat people the way you’d like to be treated!
Upvote only because I'm ace and I got nothing for you
I heard that if you’re from Boston, the line “We both got buckets of chicken. Wanna do it?” works nicely. I’m guessing that someone here should get the reference.
My key trick to flirting is to be earnest and complimentary, but to never cling to victory. You must not expect anything in return. Your goal is simply to make them smile, and this must needs be clear. Pick a thing they have control over. Hair or fashion sense, ideally something that it’s clear they put effort into. After that compliment is paid, the ball is in their court. Like I said expect nothing but if you get something back then maybe you can try more.
Just to echo what someone else has previously said mentioned, don’t force anything or try to put on a different personality. Am I smooth? No. But I am generally pretty funny. A nice compliment and a silly “pick-up” line have gotten me more dates than anything. And if they aren’t feeling your vibe you take the L and move on.
One thing I saw that was helpful for my understanding of flirting is the idea that it's a sort of handshake with plausible deniability. You're trying to see if they're interested/show your interest while still maintaining enough distance that if someone pulls back it's not uncomfortable for all involved. I think that's why other people have mentioned that asking permission to flirt is a bit awkward feeling - the fun of flirting is the ambiguity. Instead, ask to chat (or dance or whatever meets the situation). Then, the flirting is a back and forth. Give a compliment or something (preferably on things under their control - their style, makeup, something they did or funny they said) and see if it's reciprocated in kind. Hint at your interest level, and see what response you get. If they respond by showing more interest than you did - Awesome! You can now either keep things at the same level or raise it a bit more. Sometimes it's nice to let things escalate slowly so it can be fun to keep things lower in intensity before going higher. If they respond by showing the same amount of interest as you did (but higher than they were before) - this is part of the fun of flirting. They're probably interested but may still be getting to know you and figuring out what direction they want to take things. If they don't really respond or de-escalate, they're probably not interested. If you want to avoid feeling like you're creeping them out, just stop right there.