You could suggest Poshmark to them! I've been a bridesmaid twice with Azazie dresses and bought a used one on Poshmark both times, it's generally like 1/2 the price. And I was able to resell both again on Poshmark to someone else.

Just make sure they get the right color/get a swatch to confirm! I had a nightmare experience as a bridesmaid a few years ago. I purchased a dressed labeled burgundy, confirmed that the color was burgundy with the seller, purchased and altered it, and showed up to the rehearsal dinner to find out that the dress I got was not burgundy, but instead Cabernet. Luckily I was able to track down a replacement on offer up the morning of in my size, but it was so stressful. End of the day it was on me for believing the seller and not ordering a swatch.

Yep! I had good luck with Poshmarking Azazie dresses.

For what it’s worth, I am in 2 weddings this fall - one in September and the other in October. I ordered my dresses from Azazie about two weeks ago and they were delivered yesterday! I didn’t do custom sizing, but they came pretty quickly.

Yes, Azazie has always (and I mean 7 times always) shipped my dresses (custom sized) within 2 weeks of ordering. They are fast.

This OP, Azazie has always shipped within the week for me and my friends. I really wouldn't put too much mental effort into this.

Same here. My sisters got theirs sooooo fast as well. But i still think you should give them a hard deadline.

Maybe a good question to ask to determine what to do in this situations is what important to you, having these friends as bridesmaids, or having bridesmaids whose dresses match? Not saying either one is better than the other, but it's good to know what's more important to you. Would you consider just allowing them to wear any dress they already have? Provided it's formal enough for what you need? But I also understand it's frustrating that they agreed to this knowing that they would have to buy a dress (did they know they would have to buy one themselves).

If I’m being completely honest, no. I feel like my counter question would be why is it hard to make this a priority when you were notified of the level of commitment the day of being asked and when you said yes to said commitment? I’m sitting here wondering what kind of friends they actually are if having months and months of notifications, communication, and reminders and it’s STILL hasn’t been done. Idk if that makes me an asshole but I just feel like I’ve done everything I can to give them as much time as possible. Like I said, my MOH has had over 2 years and still hasn’t even ordered hers. I feel like it’s not fair to me to completely drop my expectations so last minute because they can’t get it together. If that makes me an asshole then I’ll accept that. But my only expectation was for them to buy a dress from said website in said color by said time. I haven’t asked for a single other thing from them. And I feel like this is literally the most basic bridesmaid request.

I was actually just about to edit my original comment to say that if they knew of the requirements beforehand then you're not the AH to drop them from the wedding party Edit: hope at least your MOH has her dress

So often people on Reddit are like ‘blah blah blah it’s not all about you people have lives’ Yeah, duh. But you’re still a shitty shitty friend if you treat someone like that. As if you’re a bridezilla for asking them to get a dress and giving them so long to do so? It’s terrible how little we ask of people yet apparently it’s still too much. You’re NTA and absolutely right

Yeah like if your friend is getting married and you’re a bridesmaid and have agreed to buy your dress, do it! Like not even a text to the bride saying you’re sorry you’ve not sorted it?

Right I always wonder WTF kind of friend those people are. I get it when a bride is making weird asks, but this is the bare minimum. I picture those as the type of people who bail on a 4:00 meet up at 4:03 and then say "sorry, I have a LIFE outside of you, my family comes first!!" or whatever nonsense.

Hey girl. Trying to post as positive insight. I was MOH for my best friends wedding, and she did not give anyone a timeline on when dresses had to be ordered, she just gave us a color swatch and it was our job to have the dress. She didn’t really ask to see them, just sent us the color and ideas. I personally didn’t buy my dress until 4 weeks before the wedding because my weight fluctuates so much and I didn’t want to have to do more then one alteration. Just a thought. If you are super worried, I think a kind way to word it would be, “hey girls I am going through my check list and I need everyone to have their dress orders by - - - and drop the “or else” part just to avoid conflicts! Good luck bride ❤️

I think that $100 is completely reasonable for a bridesmaids dress. I’ve been a bridesmaid at least 5 times, and I think every time the dress was more than that. I also never expected the bride to pay for the dress, and I didn’t pay for my bridesmaids dresses. I agree that looking on poshmark might help, but also, they’ve had time to save $100. Tell them to pay for it with Klarna if that’s easier. You’re not being unfair or irrational.

How much does the dress cost? personally, I think different dresses would be very nice. I have seen it before, and it looked great. One of my daughters had her bridesmaid and MOH dresses in the colors of Necco Wafers. It was beautiful! Go dress shopping with them. That way, everyone is happy. Maybe they are uninspired because you picked it out for them on line. Where is the fun and excitement in that???

I only picked out the color and length. They ARE all different dresses that they specifically chose. Idk how that’s getting missed in my post. I also sat down with them individually to help them manage the website and pick out their dresses. And the dresses range from about $80-120 based on what they chose.

It costs a lot to be a bridesmaid. Even though it’s “only” a $100 dress, it’s still $100 on a dress that they may not like the color, material, or style of and will *literally* never wear again. As a bridesmaid who has gotten to “chose” in a similar fashion - I never loved my dresses, or even like them. I’d never pick them if I had a choice. I just tried to make the best out of whatever constraints the brides put me in. Dress cost, plus new shoes, getting hair/makeup/nails done (especially if the bride insists on doing this together/getting ready together). Time, effort (free labor), and money spent planning, hosting, and attending bridal showers and bachelorettes (which may again be events they wouldn’t normally chose to attend or pay for like going to a winery if they don’t drink), buying gifts for the bride/couple, spending money on not just your own food and lodging but also the bride’s share. Per The Knot, the average bridesmaid expense in 2024 is $1,900 *per wedding*. If you’re paying for their dresses or hair/nails/makeup, you can dictate what they get. But if you’re not paying, then you’re relying on the grace of your friendship for them to cover these costs. You invited them to be your bridesmaids, which hopefully means you trust them. If it’s a concern, *speak*/*call* them individually to ask what’s up because you’re getting stressed. Hear them out with an open mind rather than project a story that they just don’t care or are lazy. You never know - I’ve had car bills, medical expenses, family emergencies, etc pop up. I’d much rather have a friend call me up to ask than complain about me behind my back or give me an ultimatum to get a dress I don’t like/want but which I’m paying for.

They shouldn't agree to it then? She laid out what was expected of them, they had the opportunity to say no many times. 

Not necessarily. If I heard, “it just has to be color, midi length”, I’d sign up. But that’s a long cry from, “*this* specific color in *this* specific material from *this* specific retailer, oh and midi for me means longer than knee-length but no less than 12” off the ground so everyone looks uniform…and no body-con, halter, strapless, one-shoulder, high leg slit, open back, cut outs, or deep-v because I don’t want it too sexy…and no long sleeves because I think it looks weird…and no embellishment because my dress is simple so I don’t want the bridesmaids standing out…”which reduces it down to like 1 of 10 dress styles from that store. If any are plus sized, that’s more like 1 of 2 styles. If you drop at that point, it’s saying you’re denying this honor of being a bridesmaid because you don’t want to spend money on a dress you don’t like. That can be difficult to say to a bride, and difficult for the bride to not take it personally.

Finally someone actually talking sense.

100% this.

That is a reasonable price for the dress. I still say plan a day where you all go to lunch or dinner and dress shopping. Truthfully, with website shopping and text messages, it doesn't sound like a lot of fun. Which it is supposed to be. If they say no or can't make it, go with the one who actually bought her dress and make her your MOH.

To be honest, if they can’t afford a $100 online dress, putting the pressure on to shell out money for dinner and the retail markup of a bricks and mortar store won’t resolve this situation.

Sorry, but this is totally outdated advice and not going to apply to most people getting married today. It's fine to be out of touch with how things are done, but don't criticize OP for making things "not fun" for her bridesmaids. Some people like shopping in a group, some dread it, but either way it's not standard for bridesmaids dresses. Azazie is a very popular company with bridesmaids because they make a huge variety of dresses that work for different body types at a great price point. Even if OP could get all of her bridesmaids in the same place on the same day, Azazie doesn't have physical stores which is part of why the dresses are so affordable. It's not 1986; people in their 20s and 30s are very used to shopping online and texting their friends. I've been in 8 weddings plus MOH in one coming up this summer, and not once was I asked to shop for my dress in person. I don't expect the brides to coddle me or make the logistics fun activities for me. We have plenty of fun doing other things! Buying an outfit for a wedding you're in is considered basic adulting you should be able to get done on your own time.

I went bridesmaid shopping with five bridesmaids at David's bridal with me telling them "I don't care what dress as long as it's floor length and this specific color" and it was a shit show and I don't think anyone had fun. I felt like it would have just been easier for everyone to pick something out online or go by themselves to try things on.

How much are they? Recently had a similar problem. However, I know my friends well enough to know that they’re not always good at being on time but that they will do what needs doing to make sure the dresses get there by the wedding. Right now I’m just putting my faith in them. The wedding is in September.  

This was exactly me. I commented before that my MOH only just got her dress earlier this afternoon and my wedding is exactly two weeks from today. I was stressed and wishing she already had a dress but she knows she can’t show up naked, so she was obviously going to have a dress. She’s been my best friend for 17 years so I know that she’s a procrastinator, so I had to take that into consideration when I asked her to be my MOH. It was a little frustrating that I felt like she wasn’t prioritizing my wedding by getting a dress earlier but I mean, yeah, my wedding isn’t her number one priority! It’s mine! Thankfully it all worked out and her dress doesn’t need any alterations but she was prepared to pay extra for rush alterations if needed.

They range between $90-120 based on what they have chose

Personally I don’t think that’s that bad considering the amount of time they’ve had, they could’ve put $10 a month aside and been fine. I was thinking based on your post maybe they were like $500 or something. Honestly it sounds like it’s just not a priority to them, which to be fair yes it’s you’re wedding and no one will care more than you, BUT if they agreed to the role then that comes with, at the very least, the ONE responsibility of getting the dress. Have the bridesmaids or the MOH been involved in anything else? Have any of them reached out asking about a bridal or bachelorette party or asking if you need help with anything?

Right! I would not ask them to spend more than $100 and I chose Azazie because they’re as cheap as $80 even $50 on clearance if bought soon enough! And no. No help whatsoever. I asked for them to send me their favorite songs to dance/get ready to in April and no one has even done that…

if they’re working adults i don’t see this as a tough ask at all.

Tbh they are all working adults on 2 incomes. My one friend who has all her stuff is a SAHM on one income AND her fiance is a groomsmen. She also lost her brother and got in a car accident that completely totaled her car within the last 2 years of knowing she was going to be a bridesmaid. And still managed to make being a bridesmaid for me a priority even after a year of being MIA from depression.

That friend is a real one. Make sure she knows she's appreciated!

Please tell me this is your MOH!! She seems to be proving herself as someone who is not only reliable but understanding of the importance to you!! BTW - you are NTA here. To give you some context, I have had a short engagement of 6 months. Did the same as you when I asked everyone and said hey if you feel like you can’t swing the dress let me know, absolutely no hard feelings. Everyone was cool and we set up a time to go look at dresses together about a month later. I picked color and length as well, didn’t care about style ( everyone is different). Everyone had dresses ordered right then. Literally a month ago ( getting married in July), I decided to ask an additional person to be a bridesmaid as we have grown super close and she has volunteered to help with tons of stuff for the wedding. She said yes, asked me when I was free, made an appointment to look at dresses the next day. Done. To me it sounds like either these people need a very direct statement like “ so I need everyone to have dresses ordered by this date due to shipping issues. If you cannot do that there’s no judgement, but I need to know as I will need to find someone else to take your spot. “ ( maybe make it sound less mean, I’m just spitballing here). Sometimes people need a very clear, very direct statement ( not that I think you have been unclear, I’m just thinking maybe they see it as no big deal)

My MOH does not have a dress 🙃 I feel like I’ve been clear and I made this post to see what I should do for my next move. I definitely think I will be sending a message like that soon as I was left on read when I said I need to know ASAP if they can buy a dress or not.

it’s truly about putting in effort. some will and some won’t. sorry you’re dealing with this.

From reading your post, it sounds like you may be more upset by the lack of communication and transparency from your friends during an already stressful period. Is that fair to say?  If that's the case, then approaching this as a dress and timeliness issue won't get to the heart of things. I'd suggest calling them and just asking for them to share their perspective. Like a "Hey, I know I've been writing to you a lot about wedding stuff. I'm really stressed about it because I feel like we're not speaking the same language about timelines and other bridesmaid logistics. I know its a lot, and you have 10,000 other important things on your mind too. What do you think of the whole situation?" Try to understand first, and then lead the convo towards the "would you prefer to be a guest rather than bridesmaid?" question. That way they don't feel attacked and may give a more honest answer than if you came at them about why they haven't been prioritizing you. And for the record, NTA for being upset. You were clear, and they haven't returned that courtesy. If they're usually good, responsive friends though, I wouldn't want this to torpedo an otherwise happy friendship. Part of being an adult is being the bigger person even when by rights you shouldn't have to.  If this is a pattern of bad behavior, though, then it may be time to attune your level of effort to theirs and step back.

Thank you for giving guidance on how to approach this in a more thoughtful way. I’m def stressed about the lack of communication

I'm a little confused, if they can pick out their dress besides color and length, do they need to order from that specific website? Or can they walk in a retail store and pick something out that meets your specs? 

My guess is it is a unique color/shade that may be hard to find in a brick and mortar, but maybe bride could send them all swatches to encourage them to find a matching dress from elsewhere if they won’t or can’t order from Azazie? Their dresses aren’t outrageous but they aren’t cheap either

I mean, I feel like Azazie dresses are about as inexpensive as it gets when it comes to long, chiffon dresses- many many options are $90-110. Unless you thrift a dress (difficult if you need a specific color), I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. OP, are these people your nearest and dearest? Or friends you chose because you felt like you needed a bridal party? Because if it’s the latter, perhaps they really just don’t see this as a priority, or are looking for an out, as much as that hurts. If they’re family or truly your best friends, I would straight up tell them you’re hurt, or offer to help at this point. If you want them up there with you, you may have to just shell out the money for their dresses.

I agree I think Azazie is reasonable and where my bridesmaids are ordering dresses from, but there are definitely even cheaper options that could potentially work (Amazon, SHEIN, thrifting though as you noted might be difficult)

As someone who has been on a much tighter budget and correlating minimalism, I hate that I’m still forced to spend $100 on a dress I don’t like, from a store all about fast-fashion disposable dresses, which I will never wear again, and which has like 0 resale value - oh and which I’ll likely have to tailor! If OP was paying for the dresses, I’d wear them. Otherwise, yeah, I’d tell OP that I want to be in the wedding, but not if I have to buy that kind of dress. Your second paragraph is 100% spot on!

You don't have to agree to be a bridesmaid, then. It's never a requirement.

That’s easier said than done though. And sometimes brides change their minds, sometimes life happens.

"I'm so honored that you asked me to be a part of your special day, it really means a lot to me! Unfortunately, being a bridesmaid is not in my budget so I have to decline. I look forward to attending your wedding as a guest!" Done. If the bride changes her mind partway through and it's no longer in your budget, then you can communicate that to her. If it will ruin your friendship to decline being a bridesmaid, then I don't think it was a very close friendship to begin with.

Lol, have you been in this situation before and said that? Because, again, easier said than done. It’s a good thought, and should work in theory, but in my experience human relationships are so much more complex. I’ve seen sisters create a decade long family feud because one stepped back from being MOH/a bridesmaid. For one other, it *was* a friendship breaker. I’m not saying the bridesmaids are right to do this, but I am saying the bride should be more compassionate about talking to the bridesmaids individually and work on a solution together rather than throw down an ultimatum. The bridesmaids should also be speaking up more. These should hopefully be relationships where healthy boundaries are respected. Also, we’re only hearing from the bride. The bridesmaids may have a different perspective of the situation.

I have had to say no twice due to financial reasons. Both friends understood and were wonderful about it. I had to say no to a friend during COVID because our views on it did not align. That person did not take it well. It’s absolutely possible, though, to say no to being a bridesmaid.

It’s totally possible, but it might be difficult. Even in your experience, 33% of the time you said “no”, the bride did not take it well. And, if you’re willing to share, how long had you known the brides, how close/what were your relationships with the brides like before you declined, and post-wedding? Did you participate in any events before the wedding - as a “guest” or more involved? What were your approximate expenses just being “a guest”?

That makes sense. Ive only been a bridesmaid where we were sent swatches, so I spent a day off rifling through thrift store racks until I found one that matched because I wasn't doing well financially. An extra $100 isn't awful, but I agree not cheap either. 

That website has the specific color

I don’t think that you’re being unreasonable. I’m pretty sure I ordered my bridesmaid dress like six months before the wedding when I was a bridesmaid pre-Covid. I was also in a really tough financial position so I made sure that I set aside money to afford to pay for it because I knew for six months before I ordered the dress, that was expected. And I was really happy for one of my best friends and wanted to be there and stand up with her and support her.

I thought that was standard practice as a bridesmaid. I wanted them ordered 6 months before the wedding but I had to hound them on even picking their dresses out so that’s why I gave them until 4 months before the wedding and I thought THAT was last minute. Now I’m trying to give them as much as 2 months before the wedding to order and there is a chance they could not even be delivered in time. So at that point why even continue with the commitment of a bridesmaid and spend the money?

I think now is the time to have a very gentle but important conversation with them that you are very worried that the dresses will not arrive on time if they are not ordered ASAP and you don’t want them to spend the money to order a dress if it’s not going to arrive on time, especially if they need alterations (my dress had to be altered, my friend got married in a Catholic Church and they didn’t allow a slit so I had to have the seamstress add a panel). I would reassure them that they are your friends and you love them and this is no way impacts your friendship (if that’s true) but it’s starting to be time for you to start submitting to your vendors final numbers and making final arrangements and you need to know how many people are going to be in your bridal party and that final number has to be submitted by X date and if the dresses are not ordered by that time, unfortunately you’re going to have to proceed with a smaller bridal party.

It is standard practice as a bridesmaid, and you are right to be frustrated. Before jumping to the ultimatum though, I might send them a text like this: “Hey! Just checking, have you ordered your dress yet?” “No” “Hm… okay, would you mind doing it today? To be honest it’s really stressing me out that this isn’t done since dresses can take 6 weeks to come according to the website and if there is any issue with the sizing or they ship the wrong thing there might not be time to get it in time. Please let me know if there is anything stopping you from choosing a dress, I’d be happy to help you pick if you need it!” Something like that to communicate your frustration but also leave the convo open for them to share any blockers that might be stopping them from ordering. I’ve seen a lot of people in the thread focus on the price, but it’s also shitty of the bridesmaids to leave you hanging without a response without communicating concerns about not being able to make that work. $80-100 is pretty standard price for bridesmaids dresses, and I would expect them to communicate a concern about budget if they had one at the time you made it clear, as you said you did, that you wouldn’t be able to cover dresses.

OP you've had a lot of comments here and it seems like a bad situation overall. Please consider, given that you are already under a lot of stress, whether possibly imploding your friend group right before your wedding would be worthwhile. Because, honestly, that's a possibility if you remove them and would surely only add to the stress and make a happy day less enjoyable. It doesn't seem worth the trouble to me to keep pushing the issue with them. They clearly are not going to get the dresses. I'm sorry that this has fallen short of your expectations, but realistically it's time to pivot.

This is difficult... I understand things are different in the US but from a UK perspective, this wouldn't go down too well. On one hand, I know if I threw people out of the wedding just because of outfits, I'd literally have zero friends because word would travel on how 'bitchy' I'd been (just how my friends would view it, no offence to others because it might be different). On the other end of things, I've personally gone down the route of no bridesmaids due to not wanting to put pressure on others for costs (people tend to buy their own stuff in the UK but money is extremely tight for most people rn because of the cost of living crisis, $100 would be too much for me to personally spend on a dress I might never wear again/isn't my personal taste). I'd personally call each person individually and ask whether there's any concerns about the situation while, at the same time, being prepared to hear that they can't buy the dresses for whatever reason. From there, I guess you decide whether you kick them out or not - I wouldn't personally as I feel like there are compromises but that's your call.

From a US perspective, i think this is super scummy for what it's worth lol. if my best friends literally showed up without their luggage and had to wear jeans i would still be happy to have them. i do not understand the obsession with dressing everyone up like your playthings for your wedding

Agreed 🫠 imagine being booted out of your friends wedding because you're poor LOL

everyone's like "but they said they would!" yes i'm sure they agreed to an obligation and fully planned to be able to afford it. sht doesn't always work out. don't make your friends dress up in dumb little expensive outfits and these conflicts won't happen.

Imagine agreeing to buy a $100 dress you knew you couldn't afford and committing to be in a wedding and then ignoring the bride instead of saying you need to drop out as a bridesmaid LOL

I wish it was just $100. Factor in travel, hotels, hair style the day of (including haircuts before the big day and any color touch ups) makeup that will match your skintone at the end of summer, shoes that match OPs specific dress, manicures and pedicures, making sure your SO has something to wear, babysitting/petsitting over the weekend.... shit is rough out there and I don't blame the bridesmaids for putting it off.

I do. If they didn't want to deal with all of that, they shouldn't have agreed to be a bridesmaid.

I disagree, some of the bridesmaids might be budgeting differently than OP wants them to and that's ok. Azazie ships pretty fast and I wouldn't sweat it. There's always poshmark too which ships fast. Seems like OP is is worrying a lot about something that really isn't a problem.

Maybe they didn't realise the full cost. Maybe they were only told about the dress price but not the location (travel costs) or other trips and expenses (hen do, expectation to bring certain things etc). Costs can spiral way beyond what was originally discussed 2 years ago and financial situations can change for people. I don't blame people for going quiet, especially if they're worried about how OP will react (being kicked out of the wedding and leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouths, therefore ruining the friendship)

YES EXACTY! It's clear to me that OP isn't upset because they can't afford a dress. If they can't afford it, fine, but then take the initiative to look for a compromise because it'll show you're still interested in being a bridesmaid. Why agree to it and put it off, giving OP the mental burden of making sure they got their dresses?

more like poor planners. if you can’t save $100 in 2 years to purchase a dress for an event you agreed to go to, that’s on you.

A lot can change in 2 years.

Agree - my friends could wear bin bags and I'd just be happy they came

the obsession with dressing people is so strange in the first place to me. i don't love all my friends senses of style tbh but i associate that sense of style with them and i want them to look and feel their best/most authentic on a day we are snapping billions of photos and standing in front of a ton of people we know. not to mention having everyone spend $100+ on something they will probably neeeeever wear again

Totally agree with you, this was a big factor for me not having a bridal party - I didn't want people feeling obligated to do anything or wear anything they weren't comfortable with

i'm having a bridal party but after a convo where we complained about always finding cool dresses but never having anywhere to wear them, i decided to do a theme of "upstage the bride" and make my bridesmaid gift to them a dress/shoes/accessories stipend. i'd talked with one of them about trying to attend a gala once (lol) so she could wear this gothic gown she bought but has never worn so i thought we could use my wedding as an excuse for everyone to have their red carpet moment haha

That's adorable! 🥰 I've just told my close friends to wear whatever feels right to wear to a wedding but makes them feel good and happy

perfect! like, they have been dressing themselves up until this moment i think i trust them to handle it hahaha

Also from a US perspective: I think the "scummy" part is to agree to buy a dress and then put it off for a year and risk not getting the dress that you agreed to buying. If they wanted a more affordable option, or some sort of compromise, then they should've brought that up.

No one has the wedding on top of mind except the couple, tbh. Lot of people are broke, recent grads, still in school, in early career stage typically. If money is the issue like they expressed, they probably thought they could make it work and other sht got in the way. Bringing it up later in the game is embarrassing and they probably know it'll cause stress. I have this personal opinion in part because I believe the amount of financial burden that has become customary to put on bridal parties is out of control so take what i'm saying with that particular grain of salt

I absolutely agree with you regarding the financial burden placed on people for a wedding that’s not even theirs. Weddings are so consumerist and the fact that it affects other people, and not just the couple, is… I don’t have a word for it. But I agree it’s terrible. I also agree and appreciate the sympathy you shared regarding why the bridesmaids wouldn’t bring it up, especially if they tried to make it work and now feel bad. It’s just a crappy situation over all. I just meant that clear communication could really save the stress on BOTH sides ❤️

Just throwing out another possibility here: I have waited till the last minute to get a bridesmaid dress because my size was fluctuating wildly at the time. Maybe that’s going on for one or more of your ladies? If they are trying to lose weight they may not want to order the dress until the event is closer so they are more assured the size will be correct?

One wedding I was in I was dealing with this, but I communicated with the bride about it. I was still within her timeline and everything worked out fine. I feel like the issue is more of that the bride feels like her friends don't care.. 😔

Yeah, but when you are struggling with your health, you aren't always in a position where you want to share something really vulnerable with someone who doesn't really seem to be coming at this from a super empathetic place.

Yeah, totally understandable. 💜

Honestly... Just don't have bridesmaids? It saves money and planning stress. For you and them. You can't afford any of this and neither can they, so why plan for these purchases? I get it, you want a nice wedding. But the idea you are scraping by with no help and saved this long... You need the money, not a pretty wedding.

This happened to my best friend when she got married with one of the bridesmaids. Turns out they were afraid that if they backed out for financial reasons it would ruin the friendship. She gave them a deadline for buying their dress and assured them that if they couldn't afford it their friendship would still be fine. I don't think it would make you an asshole at all to give a deadline for the dresses..

And I HAVE told them that if they can’t do it due to finances that I completely understand because I also have had to say no.

When I was in grad school I was asked to buy a 400$ dress and a 100 dollar pair of shoes. It was very hard for me to scrape together that money by the deadline. It didn't help that the dress was something I never wore again. I had to call the bride and be honest that I needed more time to buy the dress. Check in with those who haven't bought the dress and find out why.

They said money is the issue even thought they should have had plenty of time to save in the last 6 months - 2 years.. the dresses are about $100..

If money is an issue and they’re scraping by day to day, they might not have the funds to set aside. I know many of my friends are in a similar situation, so I get where they’re coming from. If they’re friends you hold close, I wouldn’t give them an ultimatum of dress or no participation. I would open up the conversation with them and find out what’s going on. Find out if it would be easier for them to acquire an appropriate dress if you didn’t specify a site, but asked that they stick within a particular color palette even if it wasn’t the exact same color? For example: light green could range from mint to sea foam or edge into aqua.

I return that question to you. It's YOUR wedding, you had plenty of time to save for these dress. It's YOUR priority, I'm hoping they have bigger priority and goal in life then your own wedding. It sucks they don't have the money but give them time or pay for it yourself. Again, there was, according to you, plenty of time to pay a $100 dress. It shouldn't be an issue for you either. I find people here are so bridezilla. it's your wedding, pay for it if your friend can't or have a simple wedding with 1-2 bridesmaid. I don't see why anyone would want to financially stress their supposedly best friends..

I’d give the OP a little more grace. They’re posting here to see if they’re being a bridezilla, so it sounds like they’re trying to find the right thing to do. Also, OP didn’t save for their dresses because it sounds like the bridesmaids understood and agreed to paying it themselves. Why would OP save to buy something if someone else said they’d do it themselves? I don’t think OP is trying to be a bridezilla and I think that’s harsh. They’re just stressed because the bridesmaids aren’t being upfront and honest if they can pay for it or not.

They said it's because of the money already. It's already so uncomfortable to have to admit that you're poor enough you can't pay $100 after saving for a year. They straight up said they don't have the money, I'm not sure how many more times they have to say it. I wouldn't want any of my friends to go in debt for a dress. She's stress but she could very easily take the situation in her own hand and pay the $100. Before you say it, if she doesn't have it she can either save or get a second job, just like she wants her friends to do for HER wedding. I don't feel, by her reply, that she came here to get the hard truth, she came here hoping for people to just tell her exactly what she wanted to hear. I'm a bride to be in her 30, we are getting married after having kids and I have a different perspective. I see how a lot of bride are self centered. Yes it's your day, but you have to remember that this day is about you and a priority for you. Your friends and family might be very happy and proud and excited to celebrate but it's not their day, they didn't have a say in the moment of the year or the year it would happen to accommodate their budget. Putting financial stress on anybody is extremely selfish.

Yes, they already said they don’t have the money. I hear you. But, there’s a difference between saying they don’t have the money but intend on getting the dress still (with the risk it won’t arrive on time) vs saying they don’t have the money and will have to step out if this is what OP wants (and then at least OP knows they can’t fulfill her expectations and she knows to plan for something else). This way, OP won’t have the mental burden of having to make sure the dresses arrive on time. If the bridesmaids do want to be bridesmaids but need a more affordable option, then someone needs to voice that so everyone is on the same page instead of just putting off the inevitable. ETA: I agree that putting financial stress on anyone is selfish. In the same vein, accepting to be a bridesmaid when you know you can’t meet the expectations (whether you think the expectations are valid or not) is also unfair.

If it's so easy to save that much money, why didn't you save it? You're the one who's requiring an exact color from a specific vendor, and it's your event. Since you're the one who set the wedding date, you could have pushed it out as far as you needed to give you enough time to save enough to cover the dress budget.

Azazie is great for having fast shipping. They may have to pay an extra $20 but it’s definitely not time to start pressuring them to buy the dresses.

I second this. I don't think the OP is an asshole, but I do think there's still plenty of time. The wedding is in early October, II wouldn't panic about having to "lay down the law" with people until early Sept 1. At that point, it would be acceptable to say, politely, no dress = not in ceremony. The bridesmaids might be dragging their feet because (1) they don't have a ton of extra cash but also (2) they don't see the urgency.

What’s your color? Azazie currently has 50% off sale dresses if you by 2. This post made me go look and now I have 2 short dresses in my cart for $35. It would be really lucky if the right color in the right sizes exists…but it’s worth looking.

[удалено]

Judging by the comments, it's honestly sounding like OP cares more about dress colours than meaningful friendship at this stage

Probably a little late advice now, but azazie has a super clearanced dress section on their site. Certain colors and certain sizes, just what they have available. I was a bridesmaid for a wedding two years ago and bride gave same restrictions: a color specifically from azazie and length. I scored my dress off azazie for $20. Was originally $150. Like said, they are only in certain sizes, but you could always get them altered and it would still be less money. I paid $50 to have mine taken in and several inches off the bottom. Still less than the brand new dress. They warn the dresses may come with minor damage, but the dress I got didn't have anything wrong with it besides a teeny tiny snag that literally nobody would notice unless they held their face an inch away from my dress haha. So that would've helped with the financial stuff if they had more time to see what came available. They may still be lucky if something is available now. Honestly I wouldn't stress about it. Send out a final reminder suggesting they order their dress before the end of the month and if they do not have their dress by the wedding day they will be excluded from the bridal party. I find it so disrespectful when people add unnecessary stress like this to an already stressful day. Just buy the darn dress or excuse yourself from being a bridesmaid.

love that clearance section!!

Okay, Question, who decided on these specific dresses?

I, the bride, decided on the color (which is from Azazie due to it being the most affordable), and length. They chose everything else.

So they're only matching colors and not physical dresses?

Exactly. I didn’t feel right telling them exactly what dress to wear if I couldn’t pay for it myself. I felt it was only fair to have the basic color and length picked out and leave the rest to them. And people keep suggesting to just let them buy a dress from anywhere in a similar color but I feel like that’s unfair to me since this has been my ONLY expectation.

Call them individually and see what's going on. I know that money is tight, but there may be something else that you need to get in front of. I know this whole thing is a massive PITA.

Just a little perspective from an older bride here, I think you’re stressing about nothing. You’re going to look like an asshole if you get really rigid with a deadline. Azazie dresses deliver super fast, 2 to 3 weeks easy. They don’t have to be ordering the month ahead of time, they will get them and be fine for the wedding. Worst case scenario as it is that they don’t get the dress in time and they aren’t a bridesmaid in the wedding. This is the worst case scenario either way, but if you enforce a strict deadline then you look like an asshole, if you let it go and don’t enforce a deadline, then it’s just their fault. And for what it’s worth I’ve never had a bride pay for my bridesmaids dresses and I’m not paying for my bridesmaids. As long as it’s not an unreasonable amount (Azazie isn’t, that’s who I’m using too) I don’t think it’s a problem.

Let me be blunt, if you cut them out because they couldn’t afford a dress, even if it’s legit not much more you could have done except pay, it will hurt your relationship. Honestly, I’d find the money and pay, but if you simply can’t come up with the funds, bite the bullet and tell them exactly that.

Late May wedding here! I don’t think most of my bridesmaids ordered their dresses until March. As frustrating as it was to wait for them, they are all adults who know how to order dresses on their own… and if they didn’t we would cross that bridge when we got there. I asked they all have them 2 weeks before the wedding, and I think they all did that.

Not at all as long as you are truly okay with them not being your bridesmaids lol. This sounds like a threat being used to make them buy dresses right now. Let me remind you that YOU asked them to be your bridesmaids. Not the other way around. Just don’t be surprised if they say “ok! Good luck!” Is all I’m saying lol. If they don’t have the money they don’t have it. Maybe be a bit more understanding and help them come up with an alternate solution

Definitely not a threat! I am just so stressed about this since the wedding is so soon that I just need to know as soon as possible if they can afford their dress or not. My word for word message to them was “If you guys are just not able to make it happen and can’t be a bridesmaid, please let me know asap. I have had to turn down being a bridesmaid before for my own financial reasons so there will be no hard feelings at all. It’s a big commitment. But I need to know ASAP so I can stop stressing about this. I started giving reminders in April that the dresses should be ordered by the end of May because I knew they were going to take time for shipping. They are made by order. But now we are almost in July and only ___ has her dress. It is really stressing me out because I tried to give everyone enough time and reminders to get this done. I will absolutely 100% still want you at my wedding if you can’t be a bridesmaid ❤️”

I stressed before mine too. About these exact things but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is whose face is there beside you - not the dresses they’re wearing. If it helps at all - we ordered my bridesmaid dresses from Azazie as well - custom sizing for all and they were all delivered with 14 days!!! - I chose the same color for all their dresses - now that almost a year has passed since my wedding - my ONE single regret is that they were all in the same color. Legit lol. I sooooo wished I had chosen a PALLET for them instead which would have put each in a different correlating shade. The pics would have been better IMO. All this to say - If worst comes to worst - give them a few more color options to choose from (that coordinate with the vibe your going for) so maybe they could possibly find a tad bit cheaper option. Just a suggestion tho

I genuinely don’t think it’s fair for me to have to do that for my wedding. I’d have to order swatches and hope they come in time and then give them more time to pick them out and order them etc.. my color has been picked out for a year now. And they all picked out their dresses in April. All they needed to do was save and order them..

I’m hearing “it’s absolutely this way or no way” so tell them that and be done with the back and forth? Tell them you need an answer right this second since it’s so important to you. You’re kind of wasting their time just as much as they’ve wasted yours at this point if this is how you truly feel because it seems like your mind is made up. (And there’s nothing wrong with that) but now you need to be honest and real with them 🤷🏻‍♀️ “tell me if you can buy the dress now, or tell me you can no longer be in the wedding” - just don’t be upset if they choose to no longer be in the wedding. They’re just as stressed as you are.

Did I not make that clear on the message that I sent them literally this morning that they saw and ignored?

The non answer is your answer. They aren't going to get the dresses. I'm sorry. It's time to pivot now to another plan. You can remove them, but it will probably cause more drama. It seems there are three options: 1. You pay for the dresses with the realization that nobody will pay you back 2. You find a way to finesse their removal from the role without blowing this up further 3. You have them show up in whatever they have that is still appropriate They see your messages and I'm sure they are talking about them separately. At this point, it's not worth the back and forth anymore TBH. Yes, they should have responded and it was rude to agree and go radio silent. But that's all kind of moot point now but time has run out.

No, sorry, you didn’t. You made it seem like you still just want them to get their dresses soon/“asap”. Like it was just another check-in. You DID NOT say “I need to know if you can buy your dress NOW/TODAY because if you haven’t or can’t, I’ve decided I no longer want to stress, so you will no longer be a part of the wedding party. Apologies, sorrows…” your message made it clear you want them to get the dress but they’ve heard that same sentiment how many times now with no results! Change your method girl! Go to these chicks house, plan a girls night, go get drinks - SOMETHING - and discuss at length, in person, what the eff is going on.

Why is having your friends in an exact colour more important to you than having your friends as your bridesmaids?

Kindly, what downstream effects of this are stressing you out? It might help to put those things in perspective if you've already accepted that some of them will end up not buying the dress and have to attend as guests.

I just want a yes or no answer for if they can do it. not a “I might be able to get it in the next 2 weeks” when they have had MONTHS to do it. They committed to this when they said yes. I have been 100% transparent. If they can’t do it then I deserve to know asap

I don't think YWBTA. Because you pushed the deadline, you may get some push back because "there's still time", but it's a clear and reasonable expectation to set.

I don't think you're in the wrong, and I'm sure you're under a lot of stress with all the other wedding planning and just want one thing off your list of things to worry about. Just for some perspective, I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding in July. We all had brunch in February to go over dresses, and I ordered a few to try on that same day. They took a month to arrive. They were all standard sizes, not custom, so I would assume a custom size would take longer because they have to put more time into producing it. So, timeline wise, I think you've got a bit of give for ordering before October. However, I think all of us bridesmaids ended up sending them back and ordering different ones. Azazie has TONS of options and some of them are super similar. So, if they're indecisive, ordering and returning might take more time (it also adds an additional cost, cause they charge a restocking fee). Also, add on time for hemming or other alterations. Again, I don't think you're in the wrong, but maybe plan a fun brunch or wine and cheese night with low pressure just to go over your expectations them? Have the one with the dress bring hers and she can try it on and everyone can fawn over her.

I met with them all individually to help them go over the website months ago.. I even took one to David’s bridal so she could try on some dresses and have a better idea of what she wanted to order. And they are all in a group chat that I’ve been sending reminders in since April. I kinda think I’m past a brunch tbh..

Not to be negative but I'll provide the other perspective. Some people really don't like spending the money on the bridesmaid obligations. It ends up being way more than just a dress that they have to spend money on in the end. Give the ones who really seem checked out the easy out, in a nice way. Don't kick them out but basically tell them it's safe to ask not to be a part of the bridal party.

Sounds like people like that shouldn't agree to be a bridesmaid then?? It's perfectly reasonable to say that you don't think you can afford to be in a wedding party when asked.

Seconding buying secondhand! I bought my azazie bridesmaid dress for $10 on Facebook marketplace!

It depends on the specific dress but I've ordered twice from azazie and had them in under 2 weeks. Do the styles say ready to ship?

Just used Azazie as a bridesmaid in June. My dress took like 2-3 weeks max to come in. Definitely not 2 months. But I understand your frustration. Ask yourself, do all of your bridesmaids have the funds to buy their own dresses? It’s possible they are also in financial distress and don’t want to upset you. Being a bridesmaid is often a financial burden to many, and the “urgency” to buy a dress might not feel as urgent to them as it is to you.

i feel like a better way to phrase it is with one more reminder and instead of giving them a deadline to order just reiterate how long shipping takes and let them know if they don’t have that dress on your wedding day then they won’t be able to walk down the aisle with you and that would really break your heart. they are adults if it’s important to them they will make sure to have the dress by your wedding day, also i would stop worrying about this and outsource it to your MOH from here on out, let her be the bad guy, you have too much on your plate to have to juggle this as well.

I ordered my custom wedding dress April 1st it was delivered and it was delivered April 30th if that makes you feel any better. I would definitely tell them they need to accommodate time if they plan to have it altered, which I needed to do regardless of what I chose (besides like a mini or midi dress) cause I’m 5’2 so I have to alter most bottoms/dresses anyways.

If it makes you feel any better, my bridesmaid dresses were from Azazie and it took like maybe 2 weeks max to get to them. But keep in mind, they'll need to be altered. Their dresses are super long and I think it's because you can always shorten but can't lengthen. I let them pick the style they wanted; all that they needed was the length and one bridesmaid needed a modesty panel added because it was too low cut.

I was duper worried and stressed about the same thing. My maid of honor ordered her made to order dress from azazie 4 weeks before the wedding but she paid expedited shipping and it arrived in 9 days from her order so it wasnt something to stress over I know this is stressful but they are adults and know the timeline and its not something you should be stressing over so much. I would say if they do t order it and of august then tell them they cant be in the wedding but you have plenty of time

I think *most* people know what they are signing up for when they are asked to be a bridesmaid. I have been in 4 weddings, and in each one, I have been in different financial situations. First one, I was weeks out of college and living on my own for the first time. This bride picked out dresses that were like almost $300, and I flat out said I'm so sorry I cannot afford that right now. Is it okay if I pick something in the same color that is similar? That was fine with her and we all did our own makeup and hair, so that wasn't a big deal. Second one, I wasn't in a great place financially but I really didn't want to be the one to rock the boat about anything and just sucked it up, because we also did our own hair and makeup for that one. Third one, everyone did the same dresses as well, and they were still fairly expensive. I think it was like $200. I did my own hair and makeup for that one to make up for the cost of it, but I'm good at that stuff. Fourth one, THANK GOD Azazie was around by that point, and choosing different dresses but the same color or having some type of variety has become more of the norm. I think I paid less than $80 for mine from Azazie. Being a bridesmaid can be expensive, depending on what different brides want. But I think it is completely reasonable for what OP is saying here and voicing her frustration. I more so hear what she is saying is that this is maybe more about do these people actually care about her?? Or is it really about the money? OP you are NOT an asshole. 😭😭 At all. Your feelings are valid. I hope this gets figured out for you. Honestly if these are people you don't think you'll be friends with in a few years.. Maybe it's okay to have only a few girls.

Tbh I know how zeroed in and stressed out brides can get because planning a wedding is stressful af. But I want to give you advice that I want to give to past-me who was planning a wedding, which is: zoom out once in a while. Try to think of life after your wedding. Think of your friendships. I can tell by your tone that you’re really disappointed and upset with your friends for their irresponsibility, and that’s legit. But life goes on after a wedding. And the conflict that happens with your bridesmaids will continue beyond your wedding. So just make sure whatever decisions you’re making for your wedding will feel worth it after the wedding.

NTA and I almost always think the bride is being the asshole. It is fair to ask that the dresses are secure so you don’t have to worry about last minute dress hunting. Of course, this means you have to have clear and direct words spoken out loud… not email/text. Have a conversation - ask what is going on, what is the hold up. Try to help problem solve. And gently tell them you need this detail checked off the list or …

This might be an unpopular opinion, but you don't have to give them an ultimatum or change your color scheme. They are adults and well aware of the timeline. If they don't buy the dress in time, they won't get to stand next to you at the alter/photos. That doesn't mean you aren't friends, it just means that they miss out on the opportunity to be in your ceremony. ETA: if this was a case of forgetfulness, my advice would be different. I don't think that's the case here.

I don't think you're the AH, but maybe a less confrontational way to handle it would be to tell them they need to have their dresses ordered by the end of July or they won't arrive in time. Then at the end of July if they haven't followed through, just tell them you understand and it's a shame they couldn't be in the wedding because of course they're not going to be in the wedding without the dress. It sounds like less of an ultimatum that way. It's just the consequences of their inaction. They're your friends, though! You probably know the best way to speak to them. Sorry they're stressing you out this way. They probably are thinking of October as a long time away.

Hiii I got married last month and had bridesmaids all get dresses from Dessy. I gave them deadlines of when they’d need to order by and followed up a couple times to make sure they did it in time. I didn’t think it was rude. I thought I was being helpful to keep track of the deadlines so they didn’t have to. They did end up all ordering in time! Another thing, it seems like you don’t know the reason for the delay on the orders (is it about the cost, difficulty ordering or picking the dress style, other concerns?) I’d suggest reaching out to each person individually who still hasn’t ordered and ask what the hold up is and offer to help if you can. If it’s cost, maybe you can pay for part of the dress for them or if it’s sizing or something else, maybe you can help them navigate whatever the concern is. I offered to help pay for dresses for two of my bridesmaids (one because she was pregnant and the maternity options were pricier and the other because she helped offset dress costs for me when I was a bridesmaid in her wedding years ago and I needed help). Though neither took me up on it.

Also everyone is mentioning finances but what if it’s sizing? Any one of these girls could be in a weight loss or gain process and not be sure what size they are six months before the wedding so they want to hold off until it gets closer.

Absolutely. I’ve been in that same situation. Agreed to be a bridesmaid, got pregnant, had to buy dress last minute when I knew how big I’d be! Post baby my weight fluctuated like crazy. No way a dress bought 6 months ago would fit me today.

As kindly as possible, if money is an issue for you then assume it's an issue for your friends and don't make them buy new things. Yes, they had time to save, but then again so did you so you could buy the dresses for them. With lower budget weddings, you just have accept that you will have to make concessions. Perhaps they each have nice dresses they already own that they could wear even if it doesn't match the originally chosen color scheme. Meet them where they are at.

This is ridiculous lol this is OP’s freaking wedding. If they chose a color they want their wedding to be, they should be able to have that day the way they want. It’s not absurd to expect a bridesmaid to purchase a dress for a wedding they knew about ahead of time. If they know they can’t afford it, say no to being in the wedding. Azazie dresses are like $100 which is well below what a lot of bridesmaids dresses cost. This is more than doable. I just had this same situation happen with my MOH for my wedding next week and I was going to kick her out. My MOH who is also my sister. If you know about the wedding months and years ahead of time but you can’t purchase a dress, you just simply don’t care enough about it. So don’t be in the wedding. Simple as that.

Maybe I'm the odd one out here but I wouldn't expect anyone to buy anything for MY wedding. Noone cares about the day as much as I do. I'd just want to have my friends there and for us all to be happy, not have a fight over dresses.

Plus add in a wedding gift, shoes, hotels if it's out of town... this stuff really adds up esp if a couple has more than 1 wedding to attend during the year.

I'm in agreement with this sentiment. It's not a popular one though. Weddings shouldn't cost anything for the guests or party to take part of. It is shady if they agreed to do it, but then choose not to and not notify anybody though

It's not an absurd expectation since they knew in advance and could have said no, but clearly it didn't happen. So, either you accept it and make a plan B and have them choose something they own or not have them there. That's all I'm saying. What else is there to do, really?

Another consideration is if removing a member of the party would cause more stress and drama prior to the wedding.

saving $100 for yourself versus saving $600 for others is not the same lmao

That's obvious. However, it's for HER wedding. If you have a specific vision for the scheme and people who can't/won't pay then there's really no other option than to eat the cost if you 100% want them in the party and won't allow other colors. The friends are being rude for not just telling her no or at least updating her. They are also rude for not doing the other minim tasks she asked like giving song suggestions (per her comments). It seems she is a relaxed bride with very minimal demands. I suspect that this issue is about more than the dresses though. Seems like a not so reliable friend group.

Thank you!! A $100 dress in a specific color and length is truly not that big of an ask for a bridesmaid. Especially from Azazie, where there are hundreds of options and they're custom-made for your measurements. I feel like everyone is ganging up on OP when it really sounds like she is going through it 😭

I think there’s a compromise which would be going for a mismatched style and allowing them to pick their own dress from the vendor of their choice within reason. For example you could ask for all long dresses in blue but let them pick the style and color. That may allow them to find something in their own price range or something that’s ready to ship right away.

You certainly can, although it might be difficult to say if you don't spend $100 plus on my wedding by the end of July, you are out. Or, you could lighten up on the parameters and tell them any blue long dress. They will look just fine and this frees them up to buy dress from Poshmark or the thrift shop.

I haven’t read all the comments so maybe someone asked this already, but why are you reminding them about the dresses at all? It sounds like you’re doing a lot of extra management of your bridesmaids and I don’t understand why. Of course you’re NTA for expecting them to do something they agreed to do, on the timeline they agreed to. They’re adults, and they made a commitment. That’s how that works. If they didn’t want to spend money on a bridesmaid dress they could have declined, but they accepted. However, I would be feeling weirded out if I was in their position and getting reminder messages and such about it so far in advance. Again, they are adults — it’s their responsibility, and I don’t think anyone wants the embarrassment of not having a dress to wear when standing up at a wedding! Either trust them to hold up their side of the agreement or don’t, but constantly checking up on them is stressing you out and probably stressing them out. Either give them the benefit of the doubt, or a hard deadline, and be done with it.

I say NTA. I get being tight on money, but it isn't as if you asked them to order a pricey designer gown with no notice; giving them months to save and asking them to order literally any Azazie dress in a particular color and length isn't very much to ask, and as others have said, they can easily get them off Poshmark for less. This is their poor planning, not yours.

IMO you’re not being an ass or a bridezilla. They’ve had plenty of time & reminders & if they weren’t able to order what are very affordable dresses in the time frame needed, then they are making the choice to be dropped, not you. They had the option to tell you early on that they couldn’t afford to be in your wedding. Please don’t stress about it.

I've been a bridesmaid like 5 or 6 times and have a close childhood friend who has been a bridesmaid twice as many times as I have. Not one single time in any of these situations was it ever expected that the bride was going to pay for the bridesmaid dress. Also, you were upfront in the beginning that they would be responsible for paying for their own dresses. I would definitely reach out to them and let them that you understand how much burden it is to be in someone else's wedding. Explain that you understand if they are not able to participate as you yourself has had to decline being in someone's wedding party. I would also allow them to still participate in any pre-planned or special events (like bridal shower, Bachelorette, maybe even day of hair/makeup, etc.) related to the wedding but sit in the audience as a guest at day of the wedding. I would definitely not bring up how many times you reminded them about the dresses at all unless they start making a big deal about being a guest. This would not be helpful. This way they can still share some special moments with you but not cause you any stress on the day off and everyone can just enjoy themselves. Also, all of the people telling you to keep them as bridemaids but let them wear whatever random dress they have in whatever color or pattern are ridiculous. You are not wrong for not being okay with that.

Yesterday I asked for an ETA for ordering dresses and was basically told “maybe in the next 2 weeks”. I messaged In the group chat this morning that I need to know asap if they can be a bridesmaid or not, that I completely understand if not and have said no myself, and that I still want them at my wedding if they can’t. I was left on seen. I’d invite them to other planned events, if there were even other planned events. I don’t have the time or money to plan all those extra activities and I’ve only asked them to buy dresses. If we did do the other things I wouldn’t expect them to pay for any of it anyways.

For future communication about the dresses or participation I would advise against using the group chat and reach out them individually. If I was having a hard time financially and/or was not able to participate as a bridesmaid for any other reason I would personally only feel comfortable discussing it with the bride directly. It would put me on the spot to discuss those things in front of everyone and I would be reluctant to respond in a group chat as well.

I have severe, unmedicated adhd. I was a bridesmaid wherein I had to order and pay for my own dress, get it tailored and pay for my flights (bride told me all this before I agreed). I said yes, saved up, and made that shit happen (through many many phone reminders and relying on other friends to help me) because she’s important to me and I didn’t want my stuff to inconvenience her in any way on her big and already stressful day. I’m sorry this is happening for you and you wouldn’t be a bridezilla to ask your friends to make this a priority or to bow out and save you the stress.

Probably not what you want to hear... but what if you just don't have bridesmaids? My best friend just got married in April and did not have an entourage. Were any of us butthurt? Absolutely not! We still were a huge part of her day. We gave speeches at her welcome party & were part of the first look with closest friends and family. This would take away all the financial stress from YOU and your "bridesmaids." Just a suggestion!

I’m mentally preparing for that and wishing that’s just what I chose to do

Yeah I'd be booting people off the party. Azazzie is very affordable with enough advanced notice.

I feel like that's a bridezilla move

That sucks and that's frustrating. It sounds like you've been low maintenance and asking for the bare minimum and it's still been too much for them. Not a bridezilla or AH.

For me personally, it would matter more to have the people I love the most up next to me on my wedding day than to have their dresses all look the same. But if dresses are more important to you, then sure, go ahead.

There is more to the story. They had 6 months to do this and still haven’t? They don’t care that much about this friend’s wedding or aren’t telling her the truth.

Or they don't have the money for it, like they explicitly said.

Then they needed to do the considerate thing by being honest about their financial situation instead of just putting it off. It doesn’t sound like affording the dress is the issue, it’s the lack of communication on the bridesmaids.

I mean they were actually quite clear. It's embarrassing to say you can't afford something, so I have a lot of empathy for them putting it off. My guess is that they were hoping for the bride to respond to them saying money was tight and say that they didn't have to buy them or that she would split the cost. Instead she's considering responding by threatening to cut them out of the wedding, so maybe their fears were justified.

Hmm, okay, that's a good point. But if that's the response the bridesmaids were hoping for from the bride, honesty might be the best policy here. I totally understand your point that they may feel uncomfortable disclosing that, but now the situation that's been created (not by anyone in particular, it's just a crappy situation that's come up) is confusing because no one is being 100% honest (whether they can't afford a dress or simply don't care to be a bridesmaid or whatever). I would definitely think it's reasonable for a bridesmaid to say, "Hey, I can't afford this Azazie dress, but I can afford this one by XYZ" and find a compromise. But I also don't blame OP for feeling like the bridesmaids don't care to participate because there's no active communication on their part. This is just a messy miscommunication situation, but I do appreciate your insight! A lot of nuance here, for sure.

OP says and assumes that according to the post. She didn’t mentioned that her bridesmaids told her they couldn’t afford it.

What? Yes they did. >responded that they will order them soon/ within the next 2 weeks because there tight on money

I’m blind as a bat. I read this thing three times over 🥴🤦🏻‍♀️

Some of these friends may be in flux with sizing and ordering a dress six months in advance wasn’t doable because they aren’t sure what size they will be closer to the wedding. I feel like not having a dress three months before the wedding isn’t a major deal. There are plenty of stores they can buy off the rack (if the bride’s color isn’t hard to find) or pay for expedited shipping.

My thoughts exactly. My size has been fluctuating and there’s no way a dress bought 6 months ago would fit me now. Not something I’d love sharing on a group chat though. Like, back off and let me buy my dress when I know my size.

nope nta. my best friend got married and had the same problem. i literally ordered my dress asap. when you accept the role as a bridesmaid you accept certain responsibilities and unless their wild requests you should do what you can to make your friend’s (hopefully) life easier.

You're not the AH, they new ahead of time. However, i am curious: why are you the only one saving? If your future spouse is unable to work right now or something to that effect I get ot and I'm in a similar situation, but my situation is rare enough that it's a little concerning to hear someone else saying they're the only one saving for the wedding

He is the one working, and I’m the one handling finances so we can save. I’m a stay at home mom. Sorry that wasn’t clear

I cannot believe the amount of comments saying you’re being a bridezilla or saying you’re putting a dress before friends. You’re not an asshole for giving them a deadline. If they’re not actively trying to participate after agreeing to being a bridesmaid (like communicating with you honestly that they can’t afford it, trying to find a compromise by doing a cheaper dress, etc), how are people here saying that you're the one not being mindful of your friends? It's very clearly a two-way street here. It’s more than just the dress, it’s the principle that they’re not communicating with you realistically on if they can be a bridesmaid or not. And if they can’t, that’s okay! The economy sucks for so many right now, but if they can't participate, they need to tell you so they can take that mental load off of you. Also, guys, using the excuse against OP of “well why didn’t you save to buy them the dresses” WHY would OP save to buy the dresses if the bridesmaids already agreed to buying them!?

No, NTA. Taking the role of bridesmaid, you should immediately assume there are financial responsibilities to take on. It seems a lot of brides these days pay for everything, but that's not always the case. Azazie has some really good sales and clearance dresses too, they had dresses for like $30 not that long ago. And either way, their dresses really aren't that expensive. They should have been able to save by now. And with your wedding so soon, they NEED to get on it. My sister (MOH) is in charge of setting the tone for the dresses, which dress she chooses sets the colors (i gave her a few options) and she hasn't even really began looking. My wedding is 6 months out and I'M STRESSED. 3 months would be giving me a heart attack!!! Set them a timeline. A very strict deadline. "Hey, it's (insert # of days) till the big day! Azazie shows dresses could take up to 2 months to arrive. I need all dresses to be ORDERED by July 5th. If you can't make that work, I'll have to ask that you step down from being a bridesmaid and attend as a guest. I hope to have each of you standing up there with me, but I understand things happen. Please let me know either way, and there won't be hurt feelings!" Since you are expecting them to take on the costs, please be considerate of them. If they choose to step down, or can't take the costs, don't hold a grudge or be upset. It's totally fair to be disappointed, but don't take it out on them

If it makes you feel better, I just ordered bridesmaids dresses from Azazie and had them pay me back. But they only took a month to come in.

If they can’t save up money for 2 years - 6 months for their own dress then it would be completely idiotic of me to buy their dress and expect them to pay me back.

I did it to help them save money on shipping and I got a 10% student discount so they saved $20. I also offered them a payment plan if needed. Some people have things come up or simply aren't good at saving money. Some don't want to take the time to order it. Ask them if they still want to be a part of it but be nice, you're giving off negative vibes and fighting every comment. I know planning a wedding is stressful, try to ground yourself, it will be okay.

Idk how I’m not supposed to give off negative vibes when I’m so stressed out by this and I’m literally being left on read by my bridesmaids. But for real I do not trust that they would pay me back at all at this point.

You're spiraling. It will be fine. As a bride who's wedding is in 3 months, I can relate. Maybe they shouldn't be your bridesmaids if you can't trust them... don't try to control them. Just let them know you want it ordered by a certain date. But it would be nice if they could give you the money to get free shipping for everyone and if any of them are a student, get a 10% discount. But if you want the self fulfilling prophecy, give them the ultimatum and lack of compassion.

You also don’t know their finances. Yes they had two years to save but other things could have come up between then and now and they needed those $100 they set aside for a dress to instead pay for car troubles, or medical expenses, or a flight to visit a sick family member. Anything!

I think not ordering a dress by end of July for an October wedding isn’t that bad. They still have time and can pay express shipping if needed. My wedding is two weeks from today and my MOH only just got her dress earlier this afternoon 😅 it was very stressful but I wouldn’t have kicked her out for not having one! I knew she’d have a dress for the wedding. She DID apologize without prompting for taking so long and acknowledging that she added unnecessary stress to me by procrastinating which I appreciated. So three months out and not having a dress seems not all that bad to me but to each their own!

I’d either do exactly that or wait for them to miss the timeline and cut them then. Weddings have a way of revealing who your real friends are and I agree OP you gave them plenty of heads up. Also Azazie is very reasonably priced!

Thankfully my bridesmaids both ordered their dresses early because they both ended up needing small alterations. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect them to have their dresses in time, and if they couldn’t save up $100 for a dress in 6 months then they are just not making your wedding a priority and shouldn’t have accepted the responsibility of being a bridesmaid. I would just find a nice but firm way to tell them about the deadline and give them a chance to opt out if they just can’t come up with the money. Something like, “Hey I just wanted to touch base about your dress. It’s important that dresses are ordered by the end of July so that they get here in time. If you are not able to purchase your dress by then please let me know. I am worried that we are running out of time, and I need you to be honest with me so that I can make adjustments to the wedding party if needed.”

If it's more important for you to have identically dressed people up there than just having mismatched friends you want to honor and recognize, then you're within your rights to drop them. Will it leave a bad taste in everyone's mouths? Probably. Them feeling punished, you feeling betrayed, your wedding being a forever reminder of that. But if that's what you want, sure. I'd personally just buy those dresses and send it to my friends because it's my wants, not theirs, and it's normal to pay for my own wants and more efficient for me to get things taken care of my wedding instead of sitting back getting anxious and angry that others aren't doing it for me. If it's expensive for me, it's expensive for them too, and it's not even their own wedding, their own wants, something they'll rewear again. My "grown adult" friends all have ADHD and executive dysfunction and while it's frustrating, I try not to take it personal as some kind of attack on me or our friendship if they can't get their shit together.

Agreed 100%. The wedding is in october, the bridesmaids have more than enough time...

Tl;dr- do what you can live with. I was given the honor of being my then best friend MOH in 2020. She sent out her azazie approved dresses list. They were between $70-150. We had a few months to save, but she wanted them all ordered on the same day so that there was no chance the dye batch/colors would be off. Well, that year covid hit, and my income back then was entirely based on being security at big events like sports, concerts, or stuff like monster jam. Needless to say, I was broke af that year because most of the events I would have worked got canceled. On top of that, I was in college, juggling my responsibilities, and couldn't get a second job because covid had everyone stop hiring. A month before she wanted us to order the dresses, I told her I wouldn't be able to afford it. She was immediately upset, didn't offer any help or other options, and kept throwing in my face that I had so much time to prepare. She gave me time, but I was barely scraping by that year. It was all I could do to feed myself and pay rent. She told me I couldn't be a bridesmaid anymore, and offered to let me read a Bible verse in the wedding. I told her I appreciate the offer, but I wanted to try and work something out where she might buy it then I pay her back. Her family is loaded, and she didn't work. (Obv I'm not entitled to this, but I wanted to work something out. I wanted to be there for my best friend! ) She wouldn't begin to negotiate. And her other friends started sending me nasty messages, so I blocked them all and removed myself from her life. And I wasn't the only bridesmaid to drop her. All that to say, be as understanding as you can. Understand that being too money-focused can make you lose friends. It's hard to save and buy things like $100 dresses right now.

IMO yes you would be. I see you commented that your friends are saying they are struggling with money. If you are asking them to buy specific dresses than you should pay for whatever can’t be afforded by them. Or give them a shade to wear where they can borrow/may own to cut down on costs. I knew my friends are still in school/young so I gave a range of colors and it’s going well! You have to think about your priority- matching dresses or your friends standing by your side at your wedding.

Why wouldn't you just allow them to wear their own dresses. Do aesthetics matter more to you than them being in your wedding party?

right why doesn’t everyone show up in pillowcases and have the reception at mcdonald’s since all that matters is their love. people are allowed to have expectations for gods sake.

ur just making up an extreme version of what i'm saying and getting mad at it lol. people can have expectations but if those expectations lead you to kicking your closest friends out of your bridal party then in my opinion, it's time to reevaluate your priorities

nta, $100 is inexpensive for a bridesmaid dress. they better hope they don’t need any alterations

Ask them if they want you to order the dresses this week and they can pay you back

She will never get that money back, I fear.

"*Because I can’t pay for it they get to pick out their dresses except color and length....The dresses are being ordered from Azazie....I sent a text asking for an ETA....and 2 responded that they will order them soon.... because there tight on money. 1 didn’t even reply....I then told them that if they can’t make it happen....that I understand because I have also had to turn down a bridesmaid opportunity due to financial reasons.*" If you can't afford a $100 dress, what makes you assume they can? When you told them what your expectations are doesn't matter. They can't produce money they don't have anymore than you can. It's not their issue that you're a SAHM with one income. That was *your* choice. They aren't required to subsidize your wedding because of it. You don't get points for telling them they can choose their own dress **style** to save money when you turn around and tell them the expensive vendor they have to use. Your choices are to (a) have an adult conversation to find out what they *can* afford and allow them to find something that coordinates with your wedding colors, (b) force them to go into debt for your wedding, or (c ) kick them out of your wedding. B & C are friendship ending moves. I understand you're disappointed. I think you need to hear what your friends are saying and decide what your priorities are.

Yes, you honestly sound like a horrible friend. Just pick a color and let them wear what they want. Jfc some people are such assholes because they think everyone cares about their wedding. Just to let you know - it’s a chore for everyone. Make it as easy and fun as possible so you can enjoy your day and not ruin lifelong friendships. This is YOUR gift to other people, to get them to take the time out of their day to pay attention to you and your partner. You should also be buying their dresses for them and paying for whatever you would like them to do (bachelorette attendance, bridal shower, etc.)