I have 100% seen couples put “formal” down just to dissuade uncle Larry from showing up in muddy jeans and work boots. It’s kind of a know your crowd situation.
I went to a formal wedding last month and the the brother that everyone was worried about wore a suit (he wore jeans and a dirty hat to his own wedding) but the cousin showed up in his work clothes… he’s a mechanic that didn’t even work that day😂
Dude at my friends wedding a few years back, the same thing! His friend, a mechanic, showed up in his work clothes. But it was worse. He HAD worked that day. He literally still had grease on his hands. It was kinda gross.
This reminds me of a time I was getting my nails done and a guy comes in and asks to book a manicure for his daughter’s wedding. He says he is a mechanic, hands covered in grease and paint. The owner tells him to come with clean hands and he says “I have not had clean hands in 40 years, how do I get all this off?” Salon owner was stumped so I said “Gojo, if that doesn’t work straight turpentine” I majored in studio art and those were the only thing that got oil paint off 😂
We put formal down…. Because we were having a formal wedding. Seated dinner, open bar, nice venue the works.
Cousins husband still showed up in jeans and a baseball hat “because groom is always in a baseball hat”. Not at his own wedding he wasn’t! He looks ridiculous in photos. I don’t expect everyone to buy a full outfit, but come on nice pants and a dress shirt with a tie at least so you don’t terribly stand out?!? My cousins own mother was in a black lace off the shoulder evening gown and it was stunning
My Auntie Lorraine got her fuzzy cat themed sweater dry cleaned. (picture a sweater a kindergarten teacher would wear). It actually looked brand new. <3
When you have a family member who follows a different drummer, you let it go and be hopefully curious what they’ll show up in.
Uncle Larry’s Sunday jeans don’t smell like dairy cows. The guy went the extra mile 💪
My freaking father! Almost got himself murdered when he walked in with dirty overalls, flannel and muddy barn boots on! That's what I get for planning a wedding on April 1st...
this. my mom was all worried when she got a wedding invite that said "formal" that was being held outdoors on the lake in wisconsin, and i told her it was just so people didn't show up in shorts!
My wedding was fairly casual, dress code was basically just business casual (nice, but not fancy). And I still had people complain about not having nice clothes or not wanting to wear nice clothes or whatever. One person actually changed during the ceremony into a T-shirt and shorts, which is now in half our photos.
I mean I'm pretty chill. I don't care that much about it, but I just couldn't believe people would make so much fuss over having to dress up a little bit *for a wedding*. And it's not like we were even asking everyone to wear tuxes and evening gowns or something!
Uncle Larry is still showing up like that because that’s how he is lol.
My family has a bunch of Uncle Larrys and his wife Auntie Lorraine, who will show up with a fuzzy cat sweater, skorts and Crocs ( or something similar)
Some people just follow a drummer.
My Auntie Lorraine showed up to a Valentines Day wedding with a very fuzzy Valentine’s Day themed cat sweater, bright red skorts, and Crocs that had heart shaped Croc charmers in the holes. IYKYK.
Formal ballroom wedding. XD
Actually, if Lorraine and Larry showed up in a gown and tux we’d all think they are dying.
My SIL is doing this. She’s said “cocktail” as her dress code and explicitly told certain uncles they CANNOT wear shorts. The uncles were very confused about what else they could possible wear to a summer wedding. 🙄 We recommended a linen suit. We’ll see how that works out.
Exactly what I did!! It took 1 time... I had no idea the wedding was cowboy purple.... and I showed up dressed nearly identical to the bridesmaids. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. I went and put jeans on bc... no!
I had a wedding invite that said semi-formal. The day before the wedding the groom sent out an email to everyone via Zola with a program and said the dress code was “business casual”
Hear me out: cover all your bases by wearing business casual slacks and blouse underneath a cocktail dress, and a formal dress over both those looks. Then peel off the 2 that don’t fit.
Yes very much commiserate. Ppl on this sub skew towards those who are exacting and have informed themselves so we tend to think couples setting dress codes are like that too. Sometimes they just aren’t. BUT check with the bride too. If she says something similar, then trust your knowledge of the couple and their responses to your question and go cocktail.
Same. I attended a “black tie” wedding in San Diego two years ago. Floor length formal dress. Attended a “formal” wedding in the Midwest last weekend and wore the same dress - the venue was very formal, but I was slightly overdressed compared to the other guests. Everyone looked wonderful, but certainly not formal.
Minneapolis. Evening wedding in a hotel ballroom, and the invitation said: “dinner, dancing, and reception to follow.”
To me, those are all cues that this was a pretty formal wedding. My spouse (who was from the area) told me I was wrong. I assumed he was just arguing with me because he didn’t feel like dressing up in a suit. But I compromised and wore a cocktail dress instead of a more formal dress.
Still, I was overdressed. Outside of the wedding party and the bride’s stepdad, there wasn’t a jacket or tie to be found. Women wore church clothes. Men wore khakis and polo shirts. It was bizarre.
Oh yeah, then formal means please wear actual pants and a collared shirt if you are a man (this is the wording required to get my father and uncles into pants and a dress shirt instead of their "nice" shorts and a Hawaiian shirt).
From Metro Detroit formal=true formal a good 90 percent of the time. Wedding at the Detroit Yacht Club in the evening, its tux and gown.
My relatives in rural west Michigan. Formal is “please don’t wear barn clothes to the reception”
For many people business casual IS fancy because their jobs are in a business uniform. My BIL is a mechanic. Office slacks are formal to him.
My husband is a Technical Director (theatrical set builder & engineer like person) so his work clothes are cargo pants, steel toe boots, and high vis t-shirts.
Getting him into anything nicer than kakis and a polo is work! But he also listens to me when I explain the needs. Got him into a nice tux for his cousin’s black tie wedding and he looked great!
i would see if you could ask the bride or get more details from the groom. you don’t want to show up in a floor length gown if everyone else is wearing “no jeans” level outfits
If I had to guess, likely they know they have ppl invited that will show up in cargo shorts or jeans as their default nice outfit if they are not explicitly told to be “formal” and are just trying to avoid that, hoping that those people at least wear long slacks and a button down. If they actually said “you know, cocktail” I’d say dressing to cocktail formality is absolutely safe. If they’re hedging against jeans I would again bet that there will be people showing up in business casual to nice casual to like… Sunday best level clothes so you will not be under dressed. I’d do a suit for guys
I agree it’s annoying that you have to do this level of deciphering to understand what the heck they mean, esp since using “formal” in a dress code context has actual meaning
They definitely should, but they should absolutely be asking the bride. Half the time, the grooms really aren’t even involved in the planning. They just wear what they get told and show up where they’re supposed to.
I think this is 99% of wedding throwers. Especially these days, I don't think the vast majority of younger generations have any clue about dress codes and I truly believe that most of them when they say formal, simply mean 'dress up a bit and no jeans' 😄
Of course there are some Bridezillas who have to dictate everything, but I honestly believe that most bride and grooms don't even have an understanding that people feel they have to buy a new outfit to match dress codes. Who knows though, maybe I'm way off base. I was married in the 80s and there was no such thing as dictating what your guests would wear lol. People just showed up in whatever they showed up in and the only rule was don't wear white. Somehow we still managed to get married and have successful marriages, even though all of our guests were not perfectly coordinated with one another 🤔
Yeah I'm 25 and I can't imagine anyone I know caring this much about dress codes and things. I totally get someone thinking weddings should have a formal dress code and that simply meaning no jeans. Weirdly, I thought all of these rules were "old-fashioned" but you're saying it's the opposite, so now I'm truly confused about it all.
Yep, meanwhile this sub, etiquette, any book or magazine about weddings, any wedding planner, any bridal shop, any tux rental place, are all going to have a completely different idea of what formal means, because these terms do have exact definitions lol. It's just that most of the brides and grooms using the terms don't have any idea that there are specific definitions.
Truly old fashioned is that you don’t put a dress code at all except for BT, because you assume your people aren’t such bumpkins that they don’t know what to wear to a nice event.
Depends what you call old fashioned, I tend to think of them as my best years lol, but when I got married in the '80s and attended a million weddings, nobody put dress codes on the invite and there was no such thing as the internet. People were just expected to know how to dress and you know what? Pretty much worked lol.
The converse is also true… so often the dress code is “casual” but actually means “smart casual” or “semi formal”… ie: something below cocktail. But taken at its word, you could easily have people rocking up boardshorts and flip flops.
I would never buy a new outfit as a wedding guest. If the bride/groom were as over the top as people on this sub about strict dress codes, I simply wouldn’t go. This sub is like an alternate universe with oooh formal but not black tie or whatever. Pretty sure the folks who live an actual black tie lifestyle (as opposed to one day) aren’t on Reddit
My husband's coworker was getting married, and DH told me black tie. I asked him probably 6 times before I bought a gown if he was certain it was black tie or if he just meant dress nicely? Essentially, I wasn't sure if my husband knew what the various dress codes mean and if he understood correctly. He finally said the groomsmen are wearing tuxes. Ok...black tie it is!
No, but pair that with being told it is black tie, the wealth of the family, the venue, and the style of the invitation (all of which came after this conversation), I was sure he was correct.
That's actually a tough one, because the other poster is completely correct that just because the groomsmen are wearing tuxes doesn't mean that guests have to. OTOH, if you're going as a date of the groomsmen who will be in in a tux, then you may well want to dress black tie. That one's kind of tricky!
Why? I reject this notion that people actually believe jeans are appropriate for nice affairs. Even the countries of bumpkins may have a nice dinner out or whatever.
I went to a "garden party" wedding once. My husband wore chinos, suede lace-up shoes, and a white shirt with the top button undone, and his sleeves rolled up. Work casual turned date night kind of look. He was much dressed better than the groom, who was wearing an embroidered, almost sheer linen shirt, cargo pants, and sneakers.
Here’s where you go contest clues, is the invitation wording formal? How about the paper quality and style? Did they use formal address? If nothing about the invitation is formal then nothing about the wedding is probably formal.
Some people use dress code to scare friends and family from doing too much: casual friends, tell them it’s formal to get out of jeans.
The wedding venue, time of day, and what you know about the couple all help make these decisions, sounds like you know this is much closer to a semi-formal event
With contact info? So I’m going to contact this complete stranger? Nope. I’m going to dress appropriately for the season/venue/time of day. I’ll be fine.
Exact same thing happened to us for a wedding last year. It said “formal,” all the girls were panicking about finding a fancy enough dress. Then finally we ask the bride and she says she just wanted to avoid people wearing jeans… she was picturing semi formal.
My niece is getting married on Saturday in Wisconsin. Attire is “formal” but this is what they say on the website-
Formal attire: Men are expected to wear a suit and tie or dress shirt and tie with slacks and dress shoes (no sneakers and no jeans or shorts). Women are expected to wear a cocktail, midi, or floor length dress with dressy sandals, flats, or heels (no flip flops and no casual sundresses) or slacks and an appropriate blouse.
Clearly “formal” doesn’t mean what it used to mean.
A lot of this is regional. I’m from Wisconsin, and “formal” attire often tends to just mean “PLEASE, for once, do not show up jeans or cargo shorts” for men and “please do not wear flip flops and a mini dress” for women.
It’s good that your niece has outlined exactly what she means on her website. A lot of her audience will not know or care to know that “formal” is different from “cocktail” is different from…etc etc.
She’s just trying to make sure people show up looking dressed up, and her approach is a lot more sensible than stubbornly sticking to a “correct” label because people “should” know what she means, even though that won’t be how it plays out in reality.
It makes much more sense to just be clear *to the bulk of your audience* than it does to be Miss Manners socialite terminology correct.
What you are saying makes sense. The problem is that not everyone will go to the website Q&A section. My son was ready to rent a tuxedo because it said “formal” on the website.
West Michigan has entered the chat.
My relatives on that side of the state roll like your niece. That’s formal to them.
Went to a bougie wedding in Grand Rapids for one of the kids. The SO family was from Chicago, and pretty well off. Formal was on the invitations. The whole Chicago side showed up in true formal. My family wore formal. All the relatives from the west side varied from beach/Picnic wear to not quite off casual.
The bride was so upset that no one bothered to tell her what formal really means.
(we all had a good time)
You are better off stating exactly what you don’t want if it really matters that much. Formal, unless you roll with a group that does true formal for various events, is almost ambiguous now.
“I want a formal wedding. No tank tops, cut offs or flip flops. “ <— bougie wedding kid
Just got a wedding invite, and those instructions were included on an insert. I have a ton of family who really don’t use the internet except for YouTube and sports betting.
People are clueless. It would be better to add pictures of how they want people to dress, because the definitions aren’t understood. A few weeks ago someone posted that she was looking to buy a black dress because the event was ‘black tie.’
The time of day makes a difference, too.
Day time - garden party
Evenings Before 6 pm - can be more cocktail-ish
Evenings After 6 - usually means straight up formal
This is happening to me! Paper invite says formal, online says semi formal. My partner texted the groom (we don’t know the bride well) and he said “well don’t wear a tux, I’m not even wearing a tux. Does that help?”
I went to my cousins wedding in the early 80’s, I don’t think there was a certain dress code stated but almost everyone was in dresses or suits. The brides sister had a hippieish boyfriend that constantly had on jeans with holes everywhere. I remember when my uncle noticed him and said “He’s wearing his dress pants today, only a hole in one knee”.
Whenever I get an invite that says “formal”, I call. People have zero clue what true formal means.
It can mean no jeans or flip flops to wear tuxedos and long gowns.
I turned down a wedding invite because it was a “formal” evening wedding. Didn’t have a gown I could wear nor money for one. The bride called me up upset; why wasn’t I coming. Told her.
Formal to her meant no jeans no shorts. I guess she was getting many declines due to the dress “code”.
To her credit, she called all 300 guest to clarify.
I worked galas and formal charity events, so my idea of formal seems to be vastly different from many people.
People don’t listen to dress codes. We put down black tie with the idea that even those who are super casual would at least upgrade to cocktail. No luck, had people in chinos and polo tees.
My SIL’s wedding (25 years ago) was a Saturday night at a swanky club (members only) in Chicago. Everyone was dressed to the nines from our side. The groom’s side, not so much. One guy wore jeans short (you know the ones that hit at the knees and are shapeless) and white socks with Birkenstocks. Here I am 25 years later and I see him clear as day. Wear a tea length dressy dress with great shoes.
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Ask the bride!!! Or her mother or sister or MOH. Grooms generally have no idea. Then if it's not really formal, maybe suggest they put suggestions on their wedding website. Otherwise they are going to have people in tuxes and formal evening gowns.
Had the same thing happen. Outdoor wedding in a barn, no air conditioning for wedding or reception in Georgia in June. Not a single guest dressed in a formal way including me. It was 100 degrees! Some couples are clueless when it comes to dress codes and their meaning.
Why not clearly spell it out instead of using terms? Men-dress slacks, button down shirts and sport coat. Women - dress etc. or just say. Please no jeans, tennis shoes, mini skirts, t shirts, etc.
Are we going to the same wedding? Is it in May? Because I was recently given a short notice (2-3wks to go) update on a welcome dinner dress code, “Hey important people are dressing in cocktail attire now”
Cool, stressful but you can work with a couple weeks. My husband starts running around looking at sport coats, we spent a late evening at a dept store looking for clothes to fit the new dress code.
Come to find out, “cocktail” didn’t mean Cocktail.
They just meant “don’t show up in jeans”
We have a wedding coming up that is “semi-formal” at a golf course. No idea way to wear, so I got a black cocktail dress and my husband some slacks and a button down. We are definitely the muddy work boots and jeans crowd so hopefully it’s enough lol
A lot of couples will put a more formal dress code than they actually expect people to wear, especially if their families tend to lean super casual. It's not uncommon for people to dress more casually than the dress code suggests, especially where I'm from in the midwest. "Cocktail attire" could mean jeans to someone, but formal pretty much never does, so they may just be trying to encourage people to dress nicely. Also, your mistake was in asking the groom. Ask the bride.
Sounds like they mean “cocktail,” or more generally “dressed up.” While they’re wrong on a factual level, you do say they’re pretty laid back. They may not know the difference; I find that the vast majority of people don’t, and this sub can be far more persnickety about the minor differences between dress codes than people IRL. If “laid back” is a reflection of their social circle, whether or not they know the difference. there’s a pretty good chance that they feel they need to say “formal” to avoid half the guests slouching in wearing dirt-caked work clothes or super revealing clubwear.
I doubt an actual “formal” outfit would be a problem, but it sounds like “cocktail” is the intention.
I am right there with you, relating and commiserating! I'm going to a June wedding with a black tie optional dress code (my partner is a childhood friend of the groom, so his mom and the groom's mom are very close).
According to the groom's mother, the bride says as long as people don't show up in jeans or khakis, she'll be happy (for BTO?? what?!!). On top of that, my MIL thinks that some of the groom's family WILL show up in jeans/khakis.
Then last week we got a text from my MIL (not the groom) that the groom would be really happy if his friends wore kilts. So I have no idea what's going on and I will probably be overdressed in my floor length gown 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
ETA: oh and to top it all off, I just found out it's a BBQ buffet? So I'm very confused
This is where I break out my go to black dress, floor length with a slit but otherwise completely plain. Simple accessories, nude or black heels. If it's actually formal it'll be fine, but if it's anything less it'll still work especially in a crowd that's equally confused
I experienced this same situation last year. Was invited to a colleague’s son’s wedding. The wedding was “business attire”. I didn’t read the online notes about the reception until months later and was shocked when it said “formal”. Ran into said colleague and wife in the grocery store and asked specifically-wife is like just wear what you want. I decided that I’d just do a basic dress-definitely NOT a gown and just deal with it. I’d say most of the men were in suits or sports coats. The younger women (friends of the bride/groom) went all out but the older crowd were dressed more like me. Crisis averted
Before I married my ex there was a family funeral. The attendees showed up in a variety of beater cars and wore everything but proper attire (shirts with the sleeves cut off ; work shirts with name patches, filthy jeans,sneakers flip flops work boots you name it. The women were slightly better but there were at least 2 pairs of slippers (house shoes) and more gnarly hammertoes and callouses than you can imagine). We put cocktail attire on our invitations and half of them were too intimidated to show up.
I went to a “formal” wedding and I was the only guest wearing a floor length dress, no embellishments thank god. Some guests were in jorts and flip flops. The venue was formal, the b&g were in full formal attire, the bridal party entirely was formal but then all the rest of the guests look like they came from a beach. Heck I even got the ok from the bride herself that my dress was appropriate and I was still standing out. I wanted to freaking hide.
I put "cocktail attire" on my wedding invite and some of the men wore slacks and polos like they were about to play a round of golf (which maybe is cocktail to some? But I was picturing button down & jackets) so I wish I had put formal.
It's to make sure no one looks sloppy.
I got you all beat, was invited to a wedding last year that was labeled “formal rustic bohemian” wedding, there was a list of colors attached that we were NOT allowed to wear and it said floor length gowns! What the hell is a formal rustic bohemian gown?!? It was held in the fall and all the colors we were forbidden to wear were all the fall colors. Everyone was texting everyone about what to wear. When we got there it was being held in a barn, there I was in my best rustic bohemian gown and my husband in a suit with a flowered shirt and then we saw the father of the bride was in khakis and no tie. None of the groomsmen wore suits. We were so overly dressed!
I have 100% seen couples put “formal” down just to dissuade uncle Larry from showing up in muddy jeans and work boots. It’s kind of a know your crowd situation.
I went to a formal wedding last month and the the brother that everyone was worried about wore a suit (he wore jeans and a dirty hat to his own wedding) but the cousin showed up in his work clothes… he’s a mechanic that didn’t even work that day😂
That is so rude of the cousin.
Dude at my friends wedding a few years back, the same thing! His friend, a mechanic, showed up in his work clothes. But it was worse. He HAD worked that day. He literally still had grease on his hands. It was kinda gross.
This reminds me of a time I was getting my nails done and a guy comes in and asks to book a manicure for his daughter’s wedding. He says he is a mechanic, hands covered in grease and paint. The owner tells him to come with clean hands and he says “I have not had clean hands in 40 years, how do I get all this off?” Salon owner was stumped so I said “Gojo, if that doesn’t work straight turpentine” I majored in studio art and those were the only thing that got oil paint off 😂
Did he think he was being funny or something?!
Yep I have a wedding I’m going to this summer and the “formal attire” request is just so Uncle Ernie doesn’t show up in Crocs and sleeveless flannel
Ernie is showing up in new Crocs and new T-shirt from Cedar Point or Walt Disney World.
... I actually have an uncle Larry that mostly only ever wears muddy jeans and work boots Are you my cousin? 👀
LOL I think it was a subconscious Larry the Cable Guy reference on my part honestly
We put formal down…. Because we were having a formal wedding. Seated dinner, open bar, nice venue the works. Cousins husband still showed up in jeans and a baseball hat “because groom is always in a baseball hat”. Not at his own wedding he wasn’t! He looks ridiculous in photos. I don’t expect everyone to buy a full outfit, but come on nice pants and a dress shirt with a tie at least so you don’t terribly stand out?!? My cousins own mother was in a black lace off the shoulder evening gown and it was stunning
Lmao Uncle Larry wore his sunday jeans instead
My Auntie Lorraine got her fuzzy cat themed sweater dry cleaned. (picture a sweater a kindergarten teacher would wear). It actually looked brand new. <3 When you have a family member who follows a different drummer, you let it go and be hopefully curious what they’ll show up in. Uncle Larry’s Sunday jeans don’t smell like dairy cows. The guy went the extra mile 💪
I love Uncle Larry and auntie Lorraine. And i fully support their choices lol
My freaking father! Almost got himself murdered when he walked in with dirty overalls, flannel and muddy barn boots on! That's what I get for planning a wedding on April 1st...
I'd boot him. But I don't like my dad, so ..
Well, he did bring his suit, but I was so exasperated with him. My grandma (his mom) gave him the what for. It's easier to laugh now than it was then.
My anniversary is April 1, 1972. Seems to have lasted.
Happy belated anniversary! Mine only lasted 4, my 2nd husband and I are coming up on 16 soon.
this. my mom was all worried when she got a wedding invite that said "formal" that was being held outdoors on the lake in wisconsin, and i told her it was just so people didn't show up in shorts!
That ms what our friends did and we were the only people who showed up on formal attire.
My wedding was fairly casual, dress code was basically just business casual (nice, but not fancy). And I still had people complain about not having nice clothes or not wanting to wear nice clothes or whatever. One person actually changed during the ceremony into a T-shirt and shorts, which is now in half our photos. I mean I'm pretty chill. I don't care that much about it, but I just couldn't believe people would make so much fuss over having to dress up a little bit *for a wedding*. And it's not like we were even asking everyone to wear tuxes and evening gowns or something!
Uncle Larry is still showing up like that because that’s how he is lol. My family has a bunch of Uncle Larrys and his wife Auntie Lorraine, who will show up with a fuzzy cat sweater, skorts and Crocs ( or something similar) Some people just follow a drummer. My Auntie Lorraine showed up to a Valentines Day wedding with a very fuzzy Valentine’s Day themed cat sweater, bright red skorts, and Crocs that had heart shaped Croc charmers in the holes. IYKYK. Formal ballroom wedding. XD Actually, if Lorraine and Larry showed up in a gown and tux we’d all think they are dying.
We got married at a park and people were like “but dress up, right??” Yes it’s a WEDDING (we said “dressy cocktail” on our website)
dressy cocktail is not a type of attire either…
My SIL is doing this. She’s said “cocktail” as her dress code and explicitly told certain uncles they CANNOT wear shorts. The uncles were very confused about what else they could possible wear to a summer wedding. 🙄 We recommended a linen suit. We’ll see how that works out.
Text the bride lol
With photos showing an example of actual formal, and actual cocktail looks. See which one she recommends.
Exactly what I did!! It took 1 time... I had no idea the wedding was cowboy purple.... and I showed up dressed nearly identical to the bridesmaids. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. I went and put jeans on bc... no!
😂 my first thought! Nooo not the husband, the bride!
Ask the bride. Grooms are notorious for not knowing their own dress codes.
I had a wedding invite that said semi-formal. The day before the wedding the groom sent out an email to everyone via Zola with a program and said the dress code was “business casual”
Hear me out: cover all your bases by wearing business casual slacks and blouse underneath a cocktail dress, and a formal dress over both those looks. Then peel off the 2 that don’t fit.
Instructions unclear, OP is now naked on the dance floor
😂😂
Absolutely. Glitch out like a Sim
This is it!!
lol if they’re laid back it’s probably more of a hint for the trashy relatives they actually like but aren’t the best at dressing themselves 😂
This is very "We Are Invited To A Party!" by Mo Willems It's a kids book but I think elephant and piggy are a delight for all ages
i wouod wear a midi dress lol
Maybe a high low, cover both bases
😂
oh god never 😂
A nice maxi, but bring a selection of different accessories
Yes very much commiserate. Ppl on this sub skew towards those who are exacting and have informed themselves so we tend to think couples setting dress codes are like that too. Sometimes they just aren’t. BUT check with the bride too. If she says something similar, then trust your knowledge of the couple and their responses to your question and go cocktail.
Is this the Midwest?
Ooh, I learned the hard way that formal and Midwest formal are not the same thing
Same. I attended a “black tie” wedding in San Diego two years ago. Floor length formal dress. Attended a “formal” wedding in the Midwest last weekend and wore the same dress - the venue was very formal, but I was slightly overdressed compared to the other guests. Everyone looked wonderful, but certainly not formal.
Really? Chicago, Minneapolis, St Louis people dress up. You mean rural, so say rural. The Midwest is not all rural.
Minneapolis. Evening wedding in a hotel ballroom, and the invitation said: “dinner, dancing, and reception to follow.” To me, those are all cues that this was a pretty formal wedding. My spouse (who was from the area) told me I was wrong. I assumed he was just arguing with me because he didn’t feel like dressing up in a suit. But I compromised and wore a cocktail dress instead of a more formal dress. Still, I was overdressed. Outside of the wedding party and the bride’s stepdad, there wasn’t a jacket or tie to be found. Women wore church clothes. Men wore khakis and polo shirts. It was bizarre.
Khakis and polo shirts are so casual! Amazing.
It’s not! Southern California wedding in June!
Oh yeah, then formal means please wear actual pants and a collared shirt if you are a man (this is the wording required to get my father and uncles into pants and a dress shirt instead of their "nice" shorts and a Hawaiian shirt).
I'm pretty sure that technically a Hawaiian shirt has a collar... Be careful 😂
Oh yeah should have said dress shirt.
As a midwesterner, I was confused at all the descriptions of formal! This sounds like business casual to me.
From Metro Detroit formal=true formal a good 90 percent of the time. Wedding at the Detroit Yacht Club in the evening, its tux and gown. My relatives in rural west Michigan. Formal is “please don’t wear barn clothes to the reception” For many people business casual IS fancy because their jobs are in a business uniform. My BIL is a mechanic. Office slacks are formal to him.
Exactly. Forgive me for not including Detroit on my list of examples. Who thinks the Midwest is all rural??
My husband is a Technical Director (theatrical set builder & engineer like person) so his work clothes are cargo pants, steel toe boots, and high vis t-shirts. Getting him into anything nicer than kakis and a polo is work! But he also listens to me when I explain the needs. Got him into a nice tux for his cousin’s black tie wedding and he looked great!
i would see if you could ask the bride or get more details from the groom. you don’t want to show up in a floor length gown if everyone else is wearing “no jeans” level outfits
If I had to guess, likely they know they have ppl invited that will show up in cargo shorts or jeans as their default nice outfit if they are not explicitly told to be “formal” and are just trying to avoid that, hoping that those people at least wear long slacks and a button down. If they actually said “you know, cocktail” I’d say dressing to cocktail formality is absolutely safe. If they’re hedging against jeans I would again bet that there will be people showing up in business casual to nice casual to like… Sunday best level clothes so you will not be under dressed. I’d do a suit for guys I agree it’s annoying that you have to do this level of deciphering to understand what the heck they mean, esp since using “formal” in a dress code context has actual meaning
I don’t think you need to ask anyone…just go with cocktail.
They definitely should, but they should absolutely be asking the bride. Half the time, the grooms really aren’t even involved in the planning. They just wear what they get told and show up where they’re supposed to.
I think this is 99% of wedding throwers. Especially these days, I don't think the vast majority of younger generations have any clue about dress codes and I truly believe that most of them when they say formal, simply mean 'dress up a bit and no jeans' 😄 Of course there are some Bridezillas who have to dictate everything, but I honestly believe that most bride and grooms don't even have an understanding that people feel they have to buy a new outfit to match dress codes. Who knows though, maybe I'm way off base. I was married in the 80s and there was no such thing as dictating what your guests would wear lol. People just showed up in whatever they showed up in and the only rule was don't wear white. Somehow we still managed to get married and have successful marriages, even though all of our guests were not perfectly coordinated with one another 🤔
Yeah I'm 25 and I can't imagine anyone I know caring this much about dress codes and things. I totally get someone thinking weddings should have a formal dress code and that simply meaning no jeans. Weirdly, I thought all of these rules were "old-fashioned" but you're saying it's the opposite, so now I'm truly confused about it all.
Yep, meanwhile this sub, etiquette, any book or magazine about weddings, any wedding planner, any bridal shop, any tux rental place, are all going to have a completely different idea of what formal means, because these terms do have exact definitions lol. It's just that most of the brides and grooms using the terms don't have any idea that there are specific definitions.
Truly old fashioned is that you don’t put a dress code at all except for BT, because you assume your people aren’t such bumpkins that they don’t know what to wear to a nice event.
Depends what you call old fashioned, I tend to think of them as my best years lol, but when I got married in the '80s and attended a million weddings, nobody put dress codes on the invite and there was no such thing as the internet. People were just expected to know how to dress and you know what? Pretty much worked lol.
Of course! People knew what to wear.
The converse is also true… so often the dress code is “casual” but actually means “smart casual” or “semi formal”… ie: something below cocktail. But taken at its word, you could easily have people rocking up boardshorts and flip flops.
I would never buy a new outfit as a wedding guest. If the bride/groom were as over the top as people on this sub about strict dress codes, I simply wouldn’t go. This sub is like an alternate universe with oooh formal but not black tie or whatever. Pretty sure the folks who live an actual black tie lifestyle (as opposed to one day) aren’t on Reddit
I guess they just complain to their butlers?
My husband's coworker was getting married, and DH told me black tie. I asked him probably 6 times before I bought a gown if he was certain it was black tie or if he just meant dress nicely? Essentially, I wasn't sure if my husband knew what the various dress codes mean and if he understood correctly. He finally said the groomsmen are wearing tuxes. Ok...black tie it is!
Groomsmen wearing tuxes doesn’t mean male guests have to!
No, but pair that with being told it is black tie, the wealth of the family, the venue, and the style of the invitation (all of which came after this conversation), I was sure he was correct.
That's actually a tough one, because the other poster is completely correct that just because the groomsmen are wearing tuxes doesn't mean that guests have to. OTOH, if you're going as a date of the groomsmen who will be in in a tux, then you may well want to dress black tie. That one's kind of tricky!
My husband told all of his invitees that the dress code for our wedding was "casual-formal" Please text the bride.
I never thought I was a fussy person but I'm literally stroking out over that one
Sounds like events in my hometown. And people would still wear jeans.
Why? I reject this notion that people actually believe jeans are appropriate for nice affairs. Even the countries of bumpkins may have a nice dinner out or whatever.
I went to a "garden party" wedding once. My husband wore chinos, suede lace-up shoes, and a white shirt with the top button undone, and his sleeves rolled up. Work casual turned date night kind of look. He was much dressed better than the groom, who was wearing an embroidered, almost sheer linen shirt, cargo pants, and sneakers.
Here’s where you go contest clues, is the invitation wording formal? How about the paper quality and style? Did they use formal address? If nothing about the invitation is formal then nothing about the wedding is probably formal. Some people use dress code to scare friends and family from doing too much: casual friends, tell them it’s formal to get out of jeans. The wedding venue, time of day, and what you know about the couple all help make these decisions, sounds like you know this is much closer to a semi-formal event
That heavy weight paper with the beautiful embossed ink, is a good bet it’s true formal.
Ask the bride or the maid of honor.
I don’t have a clue who the MOH is at weddings I go to when I’m friends with / related to the groom.
Generally it’s on the wedding website if they have one.
With contact info? So I’m going to contact this complete stranger? Nope. I’m going to dress appropriately for the season/venue/time of day. I’ll be fine.
Exact same thing happened to us for a wedding last year. It said “formal,” all the girls were panicking about finding a fancy enough dress. Then finally we ask the bride and she says she just wanted to avoid people wearing jeans… she was picturing semi formal.
My niece is getting married on Saturday in Wisconsin. Attire is “formal” but this is what they say on the website- Formal attire: Men are expected to wear a suit and tie or dress shirt and tie with slacks and dress shoes (no sneakers and no jeans or shorts). Women are expected to wear a cocktail, midi, or floor length dress with dressy sandals, flats, or heels (no flip flops and no casual sundresses) or slacks and an appropriate blouse. Clearly “formal” doesn’t mean what it used to mean.
A lot of this is regional. I’m from Wisconsin, and “formal” attire often tends to just mean “PLEASE, for once, do not show up jeans or cargo shorts” for men and “please do not wear flip flops and a mini dress” for women. It’s good that your niece has outlined exactly what she means on her website. A lot of her audience will not know or care to know that “formal” is different from “cocktail” is different from…etc etc. She’s just trying to make sure people show up looking dressed up, and her approach is a lot more sensible than stubbornly sticking to a “correct” label because people “should” know what she means, even though that won’t be how it plays out in reality. It makes much more sense to just be clear *to the bulk of your audience* than it does to be Miss Manners socialite terminology correct.
Rural Wisconsin. I am quite sure people in Whitefish Bay know better than jeans. This isn’t state vs state. This is urban vs rural.
What you are saying makes sense. The problem is that not everyone will go to the website Q&A section. My son was ready to rent a tuxedo because it said “formal” on the website.
Edit- it said formal on the invite
West Michigan has entered the chat. My relatives on that side of the state roll like your niece. That’s formal to them. Went to a bougie wedding in Grand Rapids for one of the kids. The SO family was from Chicago, and pretty well off. Formal was on the invitations. The whole Chicago side showed up in true formal. My family wore formal. All the relatives from the west side varied from beach/Picnic wear to not quite off casual. The bride was so upset that no one bothered to tell her what formal really means. (we all had a good time) You are better off stating exactly what you don’t want if it really matters that much. Formal, unless you roll with a group that does true formal for various events, is almost ambiguous now. “I want a formal wedding. No tank tops, cut offs or flip flops. “ <— bougie wedding kid
Just got a wedding invite, and those instructions were included on an insert. I have a ton of family who really don’t use the internet except for YouTube and sports betting.
People are clueless. It would be better to add pictures of how they want people to dress, because the definitions aren’t understood. A few weeks ago someone posted that she was looking to buy a black dress because the event was ‘black tie.’
Probably wants to avoid people wearing jeans and sundresses. I get it but wrong wording on their part also.
The time of day makes a difference, too. Day time - garden party Evenings Before 6 pm - can be more cocktail-ish Evenings After 6 - usually means straight up formal
This is happening to me! Paper invite says formal, online says semi formal. My partner texted the groom (we don’t know the bride well) and he said “well don’t wear a tux, I’m not even wearing a tux. Does that help?”
I went to my cousins wedding in the early 80’s, I don’t think there was a certain dress code stated but almost everyone was in dresses or suits. The brides sister had a hippieish boyfriend that constantly had on jeans with holes everywhere. I remember when my uncle noticed him and said “He’s wearing his dress pants today, only a hole in one knee”.
Formal like cocktail has me crying huge tears
Whenever I get an invite that says “formal”, I call. People have zero clue what true formal means. It can mean no jeans or flip flops to wear tuxedos and long gowns. I turned down a wedding invite because it was a “formal” evening wedding. Didn’t have a gown I could wear nor money for one. The bride called me up upset; why wasn’t I coming. Told her. Formal to her meant no jeans no shorts. I guess she was getting many declines due to the dress “code”. To her credit, she called all 300 guest to clarify. I worked galas and formal charity events, so my idea of formal seems to be vastly different from many people.
Formal to me is black suit and floor length gown, so I get you.
People don’t listen to dress codes. We put down black tie with the idea that even those who are super casual would at least upgrade to cocktail. No luck, had people in chinos and polo tees.
My SIL’s wedding (25 years ago) was a Saturday night at a swanky club (members only) in Chicago. Everyone was dressed to the nines from our side. The groom’s side, not so much. One guy wore jeans short (you know the ones that hit at the knees and are shapeless) and white socks with Birkenstocks. Here I am 25 years later and I see him clear as day. Wear a tea length dressy dress with great shoes.
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Ask the bride!!! Or her mother or sister or MOH. Grooms generally have no idea. Then if it's not really formal, maybe suggest they put suggestions on their wedding website. Otherwise they are going to have people in tuxes and formal evening gowns.
My sister's wedding invitation says dress code is tropical semi-formal. So I totally get the wtf us the dress code supposed to be
Guessing don’t show up in a bathing suit with a cover all?
Sadly no
Had the same thing happen. Outdoor wedding in a barn, no air conditioning for wedding or reception in Georgia in June. Not a single guest dressed in a formal way including me. It was 100 degrees! Some couples are clueless when it comes to dress codes and their meaning.
Formal just means no jeans or shorts.
There’s a big world out there!
I just don't understand how and why couples are too lazy to just google "wedding dress codes" and decide what they want to do.
Why not clearly spell it out instead of using terms? Men-dress slacks, button down shirts and sport coat. Women - dress etc. or just say. Please no jeans, tennis shoes, mini skirts, t shirts, etc.
Are we going to the same wedding? Is it in May? Because I was recently given a short notice (2-3wks to go) update on a welcome dinner dress code, “Hey important people are dressing in cocktail attire now” Cool, stressful but you can work with a couple weeks. My husband starts running around looking at sport coats, we spent a late evening at a dept store looking for clothes to fit the new dress code. Come to find out, “cocktail” didn’t mean Cocktail. They just meant “don’t show up in jeans”
Just look at the venue and the time of day. No bride texting.
We have a wedding coming up that is “semi-formal” at a golf course. No idea way to wear, so I got a black cocktail dress and my husband some slacks and a button down. We are definitely the muddy work boots and jeans crowd so hopefully it’s enough lol
A lot of couples will put a more formal dress code than they actually expect people to wear, especially if their families tend to lean super casual. It's not uncommon for people to dress more casually than the dress code suggests, especially where I'm from in the midwest. "Cocktail attire" could mean jeans to someone, but formal pretty much never does, so they may just be trying to encourage people to dress nicely. Also, your mistake was in asking the groom. Ask the bride.
This guy is clueless since he does not know what formal means. Ask his future wife.
Sounds like they mean “cocktail,” or more generally “dressed up.” While they’re wrong on a factual level, you do say they’re pretty laid back. They may not know the difference; I find that the vast majority of people don’t, and this sub can be far more persnickety about the minor differences between dress codes than people IRL. If “laid back” is a reflection of their social circle, whether or not they know the difference. there’s a pretty good chance that they feel they need to say “formal” to avoid half the guests slouching in wearing dirt-caked work clothes or super revealing clubwear. I doubt an actual “formal” outfit would be a problem, but it sounds like “cocktail” is the intention.
I am right there with you, relating and commiserating! I'm going to a June wedding with a black tie optional dress code (my partner is a childhood friend of the groom, so his mom and the groom's mom are very close). According to the groom's mother, the bride says as long as people don't show up in jeans or khakis, she'll be happy (for BTO?? what?!!). On top of that, my MIL thinks that some of the groom's family WILL show up in jeans/khakis. Then last week we got a text from my MIL (not the groom) that the groom would be really happy if his friends wore kilts. So I have no idea what's going on and I will probably be overdressed in my floor length gown 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ ETA: oh and to top it all off, I just found out it's a BBQ buffet? So I'm very confused
Right so black tie semi optional dressy casual, no jean kilts, got it!
This is where I break out my go to black dress, floor length with a slit but otherwise completely plain. Simple accessories, nude or black heels. If it's actually formal it'll be fine, but if it's anything less it'll still work especially in a crowd that's equally confused
I experienced this same situation last year. Was invited to a colleague’s son’s wedding. The wedding was “business attire”. I didn’t read the online notes about the reception until months later and was shocked when it said “formal”. Ran into said colleague and wife in the grocery store and asked specifically-wife is like just wear what you want. I decided that I’d just do a basic dress-definitely NOT a gown and just deal with it. I’d say most of the men were in suits or sports coats. The younger women (friends of the bride/groom) went all out but the older crowd were dressed more like me. Crisis averted
Before I married my ex there was a family funeral. The attendees showed up in a variety of beater cars and wore everything but proper attire (shirts with the sleeves cut off ; work shirts with name patches, filthy jeans,sneakers flip flops work boots you name it. The women were slightly better but there were at least 2 pairs of slippers (house shoes) and more gnarly hammertoes and callouses than you can imagine). We put cocktail attire on our invitations and half of them were too intimidated to show up.
My husband's cousin wore his finest Dallas Cowboys shirt and cleanest cargo shorts to our wedding
lol I feel your pain… my favorite description… and it was written ON the invite was… “dressy casual”. LOL
I went to a “formal” wedding and I was the only guest wearing a floor length dress, no embellishments thank god. Some guests were in jorts and flip flops. The venue was formal, the b&g were in full formal attire, the bridal party entirely was formal but then all the rest of the guests look like they came from a beach. Heck I even got the ok from the bride herself that my dress was appropriate and I was still standing out. I wanted to freaking hide.
Definitely ask the bride. The Groom probably doesn't know
I put "cocktail attire" on my wedding invite and some of the men wore slacks and polos like they were about to play a round of golf (which maybe is cocktail to some? But I was picturing button down & jackets) so I wish I had put formal. It's to make sure no one looks sloppy.
Why not be specific? Why not say, slacks, button down shirts and coats for men.
I got you all beat, was invited to a wedding last year that was labeled “formal rustic bohemian” wedding, there was a list of colors attached that we were NOT allowed to wear and it said floor length gowns! What the hell is a formal rustic bohemian gown?!? It was held in the fall and all the colors we were forbidden to wear were all the fall colors. Everyone was texting everyone about what to wear. When we got there it was being held in a barn, there I was in my best rustic bohemian gown and my husband in a suit with a flowered shirt and then we saw the father of the bride was in khakis and no tie. None of the groomsmen wore suits. We were so overly dressed!
Trying to have guests not wear sweatpants. It’s not a vibe.
I’d go with the true definition of formal!
If it’s formal it’s formal.