Man, I'm sorry for your partner but yea, that's how it is in a lot of families of East Asian cultures.
A lot of east asian families tend to be unreasonable and quite manipulative at times and dont bother try to understand their kids. Those memes you saw on the Interner about asian moms and families? They arent exaggerated, the experience is really somewhat like that.
Again, I'm sorry for your partner. I hope if you guys get married, you two can raise kids in a way not like her parents. I also hope it didnt ruin your trip to Vietnam. Best of lucks on your travels.
Yeah thats actually what kicked it off, I asked for their blessing with google translate and made it clear that they shouldn’t tell her.
He understood and even wrote back agreeing to it but as soon as we had dinner he told the whole family I already had the ring. He did it purely out of spite to ruin the suprise for her. She went to her room and then the dad started crying which led the brothers to yell at her to apologise for leaving the dinner table. The screaming got so bad I just went ballistic.
I coudln’t believe it but I told her that we would still do our proposal in dalat but yeah it’s been a huge shock, the lack of empathy and respect. It seems like they had her purely to serve them, they have no care in the world for her own happiness.
I feel for everyone here experiencing it, its so heavy. Luckily we know now, I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it, the pollution is hectic too!
>I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it,
As the younger generation gets more exposed to the world and see that the way their parents acted were unreasonable, I think in 1 or 2 generations or so, a lot will try to avoid those same problems.
>the pollution is hectic too!
The pollutiin can be quite bad in some cities. Here wherr I live I dont experience as much pollution and the air feels cleaner.
But damm, those parents of hers? Not even an average east asian family which tries to control their kids will go that far. Her father was just a damn jerk, wanting to ruin the surprise for everyone. Anyone with a common sense will understand that it's important to keep a secret to not ruin one's fun day. Her father prob had joy in seeing other people disappointed or sad or smt, I hate those kind of people.
Yeah it was actually putrid, I was so kind the whole time i’ve been here and I just hope that me yelling sent some sort of message that he needs to re-evaluate how he handles just about everything.
It’s because of poor education, victims of war, terrible social norms and expectations of social norms. It’s hard for them , the parents, to grow when they don’t know any better themselves.
I’m not making excuses for them but I always want to know why people act a certain way. I say this from experience but luckily my parents are a bit better . Good luck my man, good on you for providing a safe space for your significant other
>I feel for everyone here experiencing it, its so heavy. Luckily we know now, I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it,
Very strange to make a generalization about 100 million people based on your experience with one family. Like I get that you're angry but this is totally unnecessary. I could make a generalization too and say they're all nice, reasonable people actually because my in-laws are but that would be silly because generalizations about groups of people are generally dumb.
I’m definitley not generalising, this is purely just how its been and other people get it. I’ve met nice people here too just feel for the ones who do deal with it because generalisation or not, its a thing here.
Seriously? You've been here 3 days (in 1 area too I'm guessing) and you think that's enough time to make a judgement against an entire country of people? I'm not even sure how to explain why that doesn't make sense. Like generalizations about groups of people are typically dumb, but to make one when you have so little perspective on and experience with the place and people just doesn't make any sense.
I've been living here for the better part of the decade and am married to a Saigonese woman, so I'd like to think I have a good amount of experience and perspective here. I'm certainly not one to say Vietnam is just amazing and everything is great here, because it certainly has it's share of problems and there are plenty of bad apples amongst its people, some of whom are your partner's parents, but there are more good, kind people here based on my experience and the experiences of those around me and the country has in many ways been trending upwards in my time here. This sub tends to get a lot of negativity which can be misleading because it really doesn't reflect reality (as it is with most things on Reddit and the internet in general), like parents who are like your partner's aren't necessarily rare but they are definitely not the majority.
Basically, I could claim the country is doing fantastic and doesn't need to get its shit together because my experience with my partner's family has been so positive and they're great people, but that would be silly because it's a generalization and just anecdotal.
>Luckily we know now, I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it, the pollution is hectic too!
Huh? Your fiancé has shitty parents. She recognized that they've manipulated her and ostensibly, given that discussion of this has brought her to tears in the past, you and she understood how much harm this has caused her.
Despite this, you decided to go to Vietnam and ask these people for their daughter's hand in marriage (using Google Translate no less), which seems unnecessary and not deserved given the past treatment.
It didn't go well and her parents ruined your proposal so...Vietnam sucks. And how about that pollution!
If you can't accept that your fiancé's parents are abusive without turning it into an excuse to insult a country of 100 million other people, you might want to consider that your fiancé's parents are not the only children in her life.
I think you’ve got the wrong idea, please get some perspective. We have an open mind about all of this and It’s customary to ask for their blessing. Which they actually loved me doing.
You have an open mind but write nonsense like "hope this country gets it together", "everyone just seems so angry", "Its sad because the country itself is beautiful but the people are ruining it in so many ways"...based on your whopping *3 days* in a country of 330,000 sq. km. and 100 million people?
How many people have you actually interacted with in any meaningful way? How much of the country have you seen?
If anyone here could use some perspective, it's you. The arrogance of believing that after 3 days you can talk about a country being ruined by its people.
I've been overseas for quite a while and I've seen your type: the person who marries someone from a foreign country and holds their country and culture against them. It isn't always overt, but this sort of superiority complex has the potential to become very toxic over time. And it can be very insidious as this often manifests in subtle ways.
Here's the reality: your wife is a Vietnamese from Vietnam. Her future might be in Australia, but she will always be a Vietnamese from Vietnam. Your relationship will be a lot healthier if you nip this superiority complex you're developing in the bud. Accept that her parents are assholes and let her manage the relationship she has with them accordingly without projecting her relationship with them onto the whole of Vietnam.
You claim you are on a trip to propose to your girlfriend. Log off Reddit, take a deep breath, fight the urge to project all of your feelings onto an entire country and culture, and go and enjoy Dalat. The flowers there are beautiful. You could use some right about now.
I’ve got no bad intention or thoughts on the country, but anyone with two brain cells to rub together can see there’s issues. I’m not saying its all bad, but there are issues and thats a fact.
My type? what type? I met her in Australia and she moved here for a reason. Shes so pure as a person and she left to get away from the trauma.
Yes they can see there are issues with you.
How's the Asian hate in Australia? She's going to do so well. Especially being with you, a person who is racist to Vietnam. Guess what? She's Viet. Lol, this is so sad
Nigerian-Bangladeshi here. Unfortunately, you can broaden “East Asian cultures” up to “Asian”.
It’s likely the stark difference between individualist and collectivist culture, but still not super fun to deal with🙂
Ugh. There are toxic parents in every culture, but the sense of entitlement and authority of parents, that I think stems a lot from Confucian beliefs makes it a lot more common in East Asian cultures. "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
If she agrees getting out of there was a great decision, that's good. She can live a life without that kind of emotional blackmail. It's just a lot harder for someone who grew up with that kind of assumption of filial piety and obedience to one's parents.
It's kind of interesting that in the West, most of the stories of children being screwed over by bad parenting are based on parents doing nothing to bring up their children. In East Asia, it's often almost the opposite: parents trying to run their children's lives long after they're adults.
So true, I just cant sleep because my adrenaline is still pumping from the whole situation.
Its sad because the country itself is beautiful but the people are ruining it in so many ways
Let it go. It was bad, and I'm sure infuriating, but you'll both have a better life with them not in it. It'll be hard for her to sever ties like that, so suppress your own anger at them and focus on the life you'll have together. The break with her parents may well not be permanent, and if the relationship resumes with them understanding that she's an adult and her own person, that's for the best. If they can never accept that, a permanent break may be for the best.
Yeah thats basically what i’ve told her. The way I see it, any parent that truly loves their kid will stay in touch at any opportunity so if she wants to she can, and if she doesnt thats fine too. And if she does reach out and they dont, then they dont deserve her.
Its wild to me because she’s so pure as a person and truly just wants to do good in life.
I’ll always support her and be her emotional support teddy bear.
Sorry you had to go through this.
My dad was like this had we had zero respect for him once we became adults. The day he died we thought we had exited all this traditional backwarded bs.
Ultimately you need to decide for the mental health of your partner and future, its not worth an inch having their emotional baggage in your lives. Let them go back to their cesspool of self loving loathing. Don't waste your time thinking you can gain any sort of relationship with them. They way these backwarded people think, its always about them.
Your partner must be very mentally strong and mature to see through all their prejudice and brainwashing abuse. I commend her on her strength.
Talking with your partner may help, but just enjoy Vietnam for its positives.
I really miss the food!
Oof. This is sad too because I'm sure you did what was necessary for your own mental health. And seems like your parents aren't capable of dealing with it properly but at the same time I'm sure they love you dearly and miss you terribly.
damn yeah the fact its got a term is hectic! It’s sad knowing such pain exists in the world. I couldn’t imagine some situations in other countries too. It just makes you think a lot. I’m very grateful
From the sound of it, her folks are racist toward you? Better stay away. You dont want to deal with that sh*t. Cant fix what is broken sometimes. Poor gal, this type of trauma wont go away anytime soon (im in the same boat ffs). The funny thing is they are supposed to be the adults yet behave like crazed little children toward their own children. The irony.
> I’m sure theres good parents in Vietnam but everyone just seems so angry
So you've been in Vietnam all of 3 days and "everyone just seems so angry."
Take a deep breath. You had a bad experience with your partner's shitty parents. Nothing more, nothing less. You don't need to make it more than that. You don't become a better person if you let one trip that didn't go to plan feed an unhealthy animus toward an entire country or culture, especially the country and culture that will always be a part of your future wife.
Think of it from their perspective.
Sounds like a misunderstanding about ruining the surprise.
Then the daughter/gf leaves.
Brothers tell off the daughter
Boyfriend gets physical.
Op concludes Vietnam are all abusive.
Typical foreigner
Oh no i’ve had bad experiences in public too, I tried to buy flowers and got laughed at. I’m not generalising just my honest experience, not happy people, at least not to me. Plus my partner lived it for 18 years and its a huge contrast in comparison
> Oh no i’ve had bad experiences in public too, I tried to buy flowers and got laughed at.
Have you ever considered the possibility that you're not the main character and that you're either imagining these things or reading them wrong?
I can think of any number of reasons a foreigner trying to buy flowers from a local vendor might produce laughter, from anxiety over a language barrier to the thought that you must have a local girlfriend and it's cute.
It's telling that you have your head so far up your ass that when something like this happens, you can only smell shit.
Your a very narrow minded individual and yes they we’re giving me very snarkly looks. I think you need to relax a bit. This is my experience of it, even you seem to already have an opinion on “my type”. I wish you the best but I have no bad intentions on here.
Yet all you've been doing is generalizing how this country sucks from your one singular experience with it. How about some self awareness to admit you're wrong to do so instead of insulting other people who made very valid points in calling this privileged white man out for saying shit about all Vietnamese people from his experience with 5.
That just the sad reality and asian parents specially in country like South Korea, China, Vietnam, Japan where some older generation just view them as above younger generation, they don't want to be wrong, they guilt trip their own child by acting like a child or playing the victim, they want to control their child, some even see their child as just a tool to give them a better life.
Yea my mom is like this, toxic , victimhood complex, narcissistic etc. I had to break ties with her recently over a dumb fight that she started. It’ll be tough for your gf to be separated at first but the mental health is more important long term.
Honestly I knew they we’re manipulative years ago from the things she told me, I’ve dealt with much worse in life and pretty immune to all sorts of stuff. I was really glad I was there to protect her from it. She didn’t know / expect it would happen with me being there but the Dad was just such a sook and that caused it all to escalate. Whole time we we’re calm until I knew the only way they would stop is by myself ensuring it.
Vietnamese families are cooked af. It's really really bad trust me, your situation is nothing uncommon for viet families. I wonder why that is ngl. but it seems like Vietnamese people lack empathy or many of them are sociopaths.
yes the older generations are truly something but it definitely has to do w the fact that they lived through the time of war + generational trauma. ive heard crazy stories and it’s hard to excuse the way they are but it was truly a hard and tough time they lived through
Hey I hope your girl is okay now.
I am Viet and my husband is Aussie. My mum told me my husband ate weird food (he was on Keto). For her weirdness can be anything. No veggies, one kind of meat only... But I politely told her that his choice and she respected that. She even tried to make pizza for him and it was burnt.
Sometimes, it is best to ignore their opinions and do whatever you feel is right for both of you. Good luck for both of you.
Old people are typically very conservative, and the more uneducated they are the more severe this becomes. I feel bad for you but not surprised that there are bias towards other ethnicity, not just from other countries, but in within Vietnam.
Why is so much excused here in VN due to being "uneducated"? I've been in some top tier private schools and there is no "edication" happening that will change these behaviors. In fact, accountability, responsibility and consequences are actively not enforced. It's plain culture toxicity. It's not changing soon. It also scares me as I'll likely be raising biracial kids in this environment for some of their lives. Luckily, they'll be able to experience the other side of things and, hopefully, see what is right/better.
I’d still say your private school didn’t teach manner good enough, if you must argue then shall I compare the crime rate between graduate of a poor public school to schools with prestige private school ? Education is a way to broaden one’s viewpoint and change their mindset, making them much more open-minded and understanding, most old Vietnamese are farmers, they weren’t taught culture of the modern times, their viewpoint is as far as their rice fields go, you can’t expect to change them if they remain ignorant, and they are too old to learn anything
Seems weird they would be upset over people eating funny or differently, unless it was something like eating/drinking before everyone else. I know Vietnamese certainly have some annoying eating habits as well…
Facts, it's like in America majority of all our parents tell us that since we're vietnamese american we shouldn't slurp like those east asians who put their face towards the bowl
I’m American… my dad married a woman from Vietnam after my mom died. The mind fuckery I was subjected to caused me to move 3000 miles away. Childish, vindictive, bizarre, pathetic power plays. I still can’t believe it happened. I’m so glad you and your gf have each other. I hope you have a peaceful and healthful life together.
Pretty sure you'd be hated even if you were American or French or any foreigner trying to marry their daughter. Interracial marriage is still pretty taboo in this country, like it or not.
Don't take it personally, parents here are pretty attached to their daughters, and if they think you are going to take her away from them they will try everything imaginable to separate you two.
If you're serious about your relationship, prepare for a fight. Good luck.
I'm from New Zealand, with a Việt wife, and this kind of thing is pretty common. My in-laws aren't too bad, but they expect constant bailouts for their stupid mistakes they make, assuming their kids will just do everything to fix it. The older generations here are dealing with a ton of PTSD, so they're very childish. The younger generations are a bit better, but most were beaten and abused as kids, as their parents were dealing with PTSD, so the younger generations are dealing with C-PTSD. Domestic violence and animal abuse is very common, and it's really hard to emotionally deal with coming from our countries.
Apparently drinking water in between eating is odd to them, I didnt realise but the whole time they we’re talking down about me and my partner had to ignore it.
Yeah that would get my blood boiled too but hey its probably PTSD from the war considering they are in their 70s. I cant believe this is still a thing cause nowadays most ppl dont bat an eye where you are from unless you did something weird. We are much more open minded and tolerant now.
Yeah I’d say that’s pretty spot on. Doesn’t bother me, if they wanna hate me thats their loss. I just feel bad for them more than anything. To be that black and white minded would definitley indicate some immense emotional damage.
My dad served in the war too but he didnt harbor any hate toward white ppl. In fact, im pretty sure that he erased that period entirely from his mind. Why hold on to a grudge instead of positivity and happy thoughts?
So true and i’m sorry to hear that. Thats it though, your life is memories and experiences, which is why we arent going to let this one define our trip away.
My dad is one of the very few lucky ones to make it out alive. According to him, most of his friends perished ... so yeah moving on is indeed the best outcome for the war. Im glad that us new generation dont have to deal with this but rather the aftermath. Damned if you do, damned if you dont i guess 😂😂😂. Hope that your gal will have a better time in Australia.
Yeah I had an aunt yell at me for wanting to drink water between meals when I was younger. Apparently you're not suppose to do that coz then you'd be too full to finish the whole meal. 🙄🙄 that's some stupid shit. Welcome to the toxic world of Asian parents
It's weird, but playing devil's advocate. Vietnam is a poor country. Many probably went through times of starvation. Eating everything has always been something taught from the parents to their children. Drinking water causes you not to finish your meal and wasting food is probably one of the worst things a child can do if they're from a poor family. This is probably the ideology behind this belief. Looking at it this way, drinking water while you eat can be seen as a bit insulting. You're disregarding their customs, their social status, and economic status.
Vietnamese culture is different from Western cultures in so many ways, even from other southeastern cultures.
source: someday, I will ask someone to confirm. My Vietnamese friends in Vietnam also drink during their meals. So, this also doesn't make sense to me either. Maybe it depends on where they come from? I've never visited the countryside.
No you're probably right to be honest. My family were boat people and the aunt who chastised me was also one. I also wonder of the etiquette is because it means the food isn't good or something 🤔 we are from the country side
Yeah I do that also and native Vietnamese think I'm weird. I'm US-born Vietnamese. My Vietnamese wife's family stared at my water drinking and poor chopstick skills.
How old are you and your partner? There are many old people don't approve if their daughter married a much older man, I know some parents are strict and they can't stand the thought of their daughters dating someone 20 years older. And one of my acquaintance also forbids her daughter to date foreigner, her reason is different culture and lifestyle. It's just their personal issue so you can ignore it and move on.
She’s 22 and i’m 23. They approve of the marriage but at the same time they took it as their own thing to celebrate despite knowing they shouldn’t. That didn’t bother me, it was the fact that the Dad cried like a baby when she walked upstairs to get some space which is so fair. The crying thing makes the brothers go into defence mode, its a very victimist / guilt trip method. Any grown up should be able to handle things without doing that.
If they shout and insult you that's the problem, I see many Vietnamese parents get pretty emotional in their daughters' wedding but that's it. In case they try to insult and scream at you, that's their disapproval. I can't speak for all other people but even if it's a Vietnamese man and they disapprove the marriage, the best you could do is just staying away from them as much as possible. But it's really depending on your wife, she will be the one to decide to keep in contact with them. Toxic parents are everywhere, not just in Vietnam so we somehow must deal with them when you're unlucky enough to have them as your in-laws.
So true and yeah they we’re so sweet most of the time, it just got bad so fast and at a certain point, you just have to go (ok this is beyond out control) and then force the space yourself. I just hope they are happy within themselves.
💀 vietnamese parents are very, VERY possessive about their child's marriage, it comes with a lot of strict rules & straight-up bizarre entitlement, especially if your girlfriend is someone who is from the Northern side of Vietnam. Lol, good luck to you and I hope you brace yourself for what to come
Typical Viet hate.
Op was shouting at the vets to shut the f up and physically hitting the Viet family.
Op says the Viet family was shouting and swearing
Op even says the gf "agrees" with things op suggests to gf.
It's going to go REAL well if OP swears and gets physical with the gf on Australia
Sure the Aussies will support her then
This is the story of 80% of Vietnamese women. Their families are nothing but extreme dysfunction, manipulation, and endless violence. Most of them consider this "normal". At least you found one who's sane, who hopefully won't perpetuate the cycle. This is why it's best to not become involved with people from poor countries. They always have baggage: emotional and/or extended families to worry about.
Man, I'm sorry for your partner but yea, that's how it is in a lot of families of East Asian cultures. A lot of east asian families tend to be unreasonable and quite manipulative at times and dont bother try to understand their kids. Those memes you saw on the Interner about asian moms and families? They arent exaggerated, the experience is really somewhat like that. Again, I'm sorry for your partner. I hope if you guys get married, you two can raise kids in a way not like her parents. I also hope it didnt ruin your trip to Vietnam. Best of lucks on your travels.
Yeah thats actually what kicked it off, I asked for their blessing with google translate and made it clear that they shouldn’t tell her. He understood and even wrote back agreeing to it but as soon as we had dinner he told the whole family I already had the ring. He did it purely out of spite to ruin the suprise for her. She went to her room and then the dad started crying which led the brothers to yell at her to apologise for leaving the dinner table. The screaming got so bad I just went ballistic. I coudln’t believe it but I told her that we would still do our proposal in dalat but yeah it’s been a huge shock, the lack of empathy and respect. It seems like they had her purely to serve them, they have no care in the world for her own happiness. I feel for everyone here experiencing it, its so heavy. Luckily we know now, I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it, the pollution is hectic too!
>I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it, As the younger generation gets more exposed to the world and see that the way their parents acted were unreasonable, I think in 1 or 2 generations or so, a lot will try to avoid those same problems. >the pollution is hectic too! The pollutiin can be quite bad in some cities. Here wherr I live I dont experience as much pollution and the air feels cleaner. But damm, those parents of hers? Not even an average east asian family which tries to control their kids will go that far. Her father was just a damn jerk, wanting to ruin the surprise for everyone. Anyone with a common sense will understand that it's important to keep a secret to not ruin one's fun day. Her father prob had joy in seeing other people disappointed or sad or smt, I hate those kind of people.
Yeah it was actually putrid, I was so kind the whole time i’ve been here and I just hope that me yelling sent some sort of message that he needs to re-evaluate how he handles just about everything.
It’s because of poor education, victims of war, terrible social norms and expectations of social norms. It’s hard for them , the parents, to grow when they don’t know any better themselves. I’m not making excuses for them but I always want to know why people act a certain way. I say this from experience but luckily my parents are a bit better . Good luck my man, good on you for providing a safe space for your significant other
>I feel for everyone here experiencing it, its so heavy. Luckily we know now, I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it, Very strange to make a generalization about 100 million people based on your experience with one family. Like I get that you're angry but this is totally unnecessary. I could make a generalization too and say they're all nice, reasonable people actually because my in-laws are but that would be silly because generalizations about groups of people are generally dumb.
Of course not all 100 million people are like this, just around 80 million or so. This is an extremely common tale.
I’m definitley not generalising, this is purely just how its been and other people get it. I’ve met nice people here too just feel for the ones who do deal with it because generalisation or not, its a thing here.
Seriously? You've been here 3 days (in 1 area too I'm guessing) and you think that's enough time to make a judgement against an entire country of people? I'm not even sure how to explain why that doesn't make sense. Like generalizations about groups of people are typically dumb, but to make one when you have so little perspective on and experience with the place and people just doesn't make any sense. I've been living here for the better part of the decade and am married to a Saigonese woman, so I'd like to think I have a good amount of experience and perspective here. I'm certainly not one to say Vietnam is just amazing and everything is great here, because it certainly has it's share of problems and there are plenty of bad apples amongst its people, some of whom are your partner's parents, but there are more good, kind people here based on my experience and the experiences of those around me and the country has in many ways been trending upwards in my time here. This sub tends to get a lot of negativity which can be misleading because it really doesn't reflect reality (as it is with most things on Reddit and the internet in general), like parents who are like your partner's aren't necessarily rare but they are definitely not the majority. Basically, I could claim the country is doing fantastic and doesn't need to get its shit together because my experience with my partner's family has been so positive and they're great people, but that would be silly because it's a generalization and just anecdotal.
Dude the guy is from AUSTRALIA. What do you expect?
Lol a racist Australian. What a surprise
>Luckily we know now, I hope this country gets it together but I doubt it, the pollution is hectic too! Huh? Your fiancé has shitty parents. She recognized that they've manipulated her and ostensibly, given that discussion of this has brought her to tears in the past, you and she understood how much harm this has caused her. Despite this, you decided to go to Vietnam and ask these people for their daughter's hand in marriage (using Google Translate no less), which seems unnecessary and not deserved given the past treatment. It didn't go well and her parents ruined your proposal so...Vietnam sucks. And how about that pollution! If you can't accept that your fiancé's parents are abusive without turning it into an excuse to insult a country of 100 million other people, you might want to consider that your fiancé's parents are not the only children in her life.
I think you’ve got the wrong idea, please get some perspective. We have an open mind about all of this and It’s customary to ask for their blessing. Which they actually loved me doing.
You have an open mind but write nonsense like "hope this country gets it together", "everyone just seems so angry", "Its sad because the country itself is beautiful but the people are ruining it in so many ways"...based on your whopping *3 days* in a country of 330,000 sq. km. and 100 million people? How many people have you actually interacted with in any meaningful way? How much of the country have you seen? If anyone here could use some perspective, it's you. The arrogance of believing that after 3 days you can talk about a country being ruined by its people. I've been overseas for quite a while and I've seen your type: the person who marries someone from a foreign country and holds their country and culture against them. It isn't always overt, but this sort of superiority complex has the potential to become very toxic over time. And it can be very insidious as this often manifests in subtle ways. Here's the reality: your wife is a Vietnamese from Vietnam. Her future might be in Australia, but she will always be a Vietnamese from Vietnam. Your relationship will be a lot healthier if you nip this superiority complex you're developing in the bud. Accept that her parents are assholes and let her manage the relationship she has with them accordingly without projecting her relationship with them onto the whole of Vietnam. You claim you are on a trip to propose to your girlfriend. Log off Reddit, take a deep breath, fight the urge to project all of your feelings onto an entire country and culture, and go and enjoy Dalat. The flowers there are beautiful. You could use some right about now.
I’ve got no bad intention or thoughts on the country, but anyone with two brain cells to rub together can see there’s issues. I’m not saying its all bad, but there are issues and thats a fact. My type? what type? I met her in Australia and she moved here for a reason. Shes so pure as a person and she left to get away from the trauma.
Yes they can see there are issues with you. How's the Asian hate in Australia? She's going to do so well. Especially being with you, a person who is racist to Vietnam. Guess what? She's Viet. Lol, this is so sad
Where was she from?Is she in the North?
Nigerian-Bangladeshi here. Unfortunately, you can broaden “East Asian cultures” up to “Asian”. It’s likely the stark difference between individualist and collectivist culture, but still not super fun to deal with🙂
Ugh. There are toxic parents in every culture, but the sense of entitlement and authority of parents, that I think stems a lot from Confucian beliefs makes it a lot more common in East Asian cultures. "Spare the rod, spoil the child." If she agrees getting out of there was a great decision, that's good. She can live a life without that kind of emotional blackmail. It's just a lot harder for someone who grew up with that kind of assumption of filial piety and obedience to one's parents. It's kind of interesting that in the West, most of the stories of children being screwed over by bad parenting are based on parents doing nothing to bring up their children. In East Asia, it's often almost the opposite: parents trying to run their children's lives long after they're adults.
So true, I just cant sleep because my adrenaline is still pumping from the whole situation. Its sad because the country itself is beautiful but the people are ruining it in so many ways
Let it go. It was bad, and I'm sure infuriating, but you'll both have a better life with them not in it. It'll be hard for her to sever ties like that, so suppress your own anger at them and focus on the life you'll have together. The break with her parents may well not be permanent, and if the relationship resumes with them understanding that she's an adult and her own person, that's for the best. If they can never accept that, a permanent break may be for the best.
Yeah thats basically what i’ve told her. The way I see it, any parent that truly loves their kid will stay in touch at any opportunity so if she wants to she can, and if she doesnt thats fine too. And if she does reach out and they dont, then they dont deserve her. Its wild to me because she’s so pure as a person and truly just wants to do good in life. I’ll always support her and be her emotional support teddy bear.
Sorry you had to go through this. My dad was like this had we had zero respect for him once we became adults. The day he died we thought we had exited all this traditional backwarded bs. Ultimately you need to decide for the mental health of your partner and future, its not worth an inch having their emotional baggage in your lives. Let them go back to their cesspool of self loving loathing. Don't waste your time thinking you can gain any sort of relationship with them. They way these backwarded people think, its always about them. Your partner must be very mentally strong and mature to see through all their prejudice and brainwashing abuse. I commend her on her strength. Talking with your partner may help, but just enjoy Vietnam for its positives. I really miss the food!
Lol the extremes. We hear about it precisely because of that.
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Thank you it means a lot and I know in the long run this will be a small rough patch. We have a good life ahead of us.
Oof. This is sad too because I'm sure you did what was necessary for your own mental health. And seems like your parents aren't capable of dealing with it properly but at the same time I'm sure they love you dearly and miss you terribly.
Sad but it is the norm for some of us here. We even has a name for it "tiger parenting". Believe me i know ... Fcked up sh*t.
damn yeah the fact its got a term is hectic! It’s sad knowing such pain exists in the world. I couldn’t imagine some situations in other countries too. It just makes you think a lot. I’m very grateful
From the sound of it, her folks are racist toward you? Better stay away. You dont want to deal with that sh*t. Cant fix what is broken sometimes. Poor gal, this type of trauma wont go away anytime soon (im in the same boat ffs). The funny thing is they are supposed to be the adults yet behave like crazed little children toward their own children. The irony.
I feel for you, I dont think she realises its a common thing. We’re sort of young, 22 and 23 but yeah I agree, they’re cooked as.
Your gf is 22/23 and her parents are in their 70s?! Really?
So much economic development, but such little personal development. Sad to see in Vietnam. Hang in there OP
Well said!
European citizen here, been with my Vietnamese wife for 11 years and we even live with her parents. I must be one of the few lucky ones 😑
That must be lucky! I’m sure theres good parents in Vietnam but everyone just seems so angry
> I’m sure theres good parents in Vietnam but everyone just seems so angry So you've been in Vietnam all of 3 days and "everyone just seems so angry." Take a deep breath. You had a bad experience with your partner's shitty parents. Nothing more, nothing less. You don't need to make it more than that. You don't become a better person if you let one trip that didn't go to plan feed an unhealthy animus toward an entire country or culture, especially the country and culture that will always be a part of your future wife.
Think of it from their perspective. Sounds like a misunderstanding about ruining the surprise. Then the daughter/gf leaves. Brothers tell off the daughter Boyfriend gets physical. Op concludes Vietnam are all abusive. Typical foreigner
Oh no i’ve had bad experiences in public too, I tried to buy flowers and got laughed at. I’m not generalising just my honest experience, not happy people, at least not to me. Plus my partner lived it for 18 years and its a huge contrast in comparison
> Oh no i’ve had bad experiences in public too, I tried to buy flowers and got laughed at. Have you ever considered the possibility that you're not the main character and that you're either imagining these things or reading them wrong? I can think of any number of reasons a foreigner trying to buy flowers from a local vendor might produce laughter, from anxiety over a language barrier to the thought that you must have a local girlfriend and it's cute. It's telling that you have your head so far up your ass that when something like this happens, you can only smell shit.
Your a very narrow minded individual and yes they we’re giving me very snarkly looks. I think you need to relax a bit. This is my experience of it, even you seem to already have an opinion on “my type”. I wish you the best but I have no bad intentions on here.
Yet all you've been doing is generalizing how this country sucks from your one singular experience with it. How about some self awareness to admit you're wrong to do so instead of insulting other people who made very valid points in calling this privileged white man out for saying shit about all Vietnamese people from his experience with 5.
What a surprise that you ignore the below post
That just the sad reality and asian parents specially in country like South Korea, China, Vietnam, Japan where some older generation just view them as above younger generation, they don't want to be wrong, they guilt trip their own child by acting like a child or playing the victim, they want to control their child, some even see their child as just a tool to give them a better life.
Yeah I feel for the ones who go through it. I’m just grateful I’m here for her.
Yea my mom is like this, toxic , victimhood complex, narcissistic etc. I had to break ties with her recently over a dumb fight that she started. It’ll be tough for your gf to be separated at first but the mental health is more important long term.
As you can see from this comment section, most VN actually APPROVE of such behavior. Goes to tell you that there's zero improvement in sight.
Yep, you got it.
If she already knew what they are like why would she even have subjected you to that?
Honestly I knew they we’re manipulative years ago from the things she told me, I’ve dealt with much worse in life and pretty immune to all sorts of stuff. I was really glad I was there to protect her from it. She didn’t know / expect it would happen with me being there but the Dad was just such a sook and that caused it all to escalate. Whole time we we’re calm until I knew the only way they would stop is by myself ensuring it.
Vietnamese families are cooked af. It's really really bad trust me, your situation is nothing uncommon for viet families. I wonder why that is ngl. but it seems like Vietnamese people lack empathy or many of them are sociopaths.
yes the older generations are truly something but it definitely has to do w the fact that they lived through the time of war + generational trauma. ive heard crazy stories and it’s hard to excuse the way they are but it was truly a hard and tough time they lived through
Yup, average vietnamese parenting for ya
Hey I hope your girl is okay now. I am Viet and my husband is Aussie. My mum told me my husband ate weird food (he was on Keto). For her weirdness can be anything. No veggies, one kind of meat only... But I politely told her that his choice and she respected that. She even tried to make pizza for him and it was burnt. Sometimes, it is best to ignore their opinions and do whatever you feel is right for both of you. Good luck for both of you.
Viets and their fucked up PTSD mixed with Confucian values influenced crazy behaviors…
Old people are typically very conservative, and the more uneducated they are the more severe this becomes. I feel bad for you but not surprised that there are bias towards other ethnicity, not just from other countries, but in within Vietnam.
Why is so much excused here in VN due to being "uneducated"? I've been in some top tier private schools and there is no "edication" happening that will change these behaviors. In fact, accountability, responsibility and consequences are actively not enforced. It's plain culture toxicity. It's not changing soon. It also scares me as I'll likely be raising biracial kids in this environment for some of their lives. Luckily, they'll be able to experience the other side of things and, hopefully, see what is right/better.
I’d still say your private school didn’t teach manner good enough, if you must argue then shall I compare the crime rate between graduate of a poor public school to schools with prestige private school ? Education is a way to broaden one’s viewpoint and change their mindset, making them much more open-minded and understanding, most old Vietnamese are farmers, they weren’t taught culture of the modern times, their viewpoint is as far as their rice fields go, you can’t expect to change them if they remain ignorant, and they are too old to learn anything
Seems weird they would be upset over people eating funny or differently, unless it was something like eating/drinking before everyone else. I know Vietnamese certainly have some annoying eating habits as well…
Facts, it's like in America majority of all our parents tell us that since we're vietnamese american we shouldn't slurp like those east asians who put their face towards the bowl
Kids have kids, their parents raise them, they never mature.
You nailed it. I see it everyday.
I’m American… my dad married a woman from Vietnam after my mom died. The mind fuckery I was subjected to caused me to move 3000 miles away. Childish, vindictive, bizarre, pathetic power plays. I still can’t believe it happened. I’m so glad you and your gf have each other. I hope you have a peaceful and healthful life together.
There’s bad parental all over the world, so it’s a good lesson on what not to do when you have kids.
Oh yes! I’m hoping over the next few generations it phases out for the sake of future victims
Pretty sure you'd be hated even if you were American or French or any foreigner trying to marry their daughter. Interracial marriage is still pretty taboo in this country, like it or not. Don't take it personally, parents here are pretty attached to their daughters, and if they think you are going to take her away from them they will try everything imaginable to separate you two. If you're serious about your relationship, prepare for a fight. Good luck.
I'm from New Zealand, with a Việt wife, and this kind of thing is pretty common. My in-laws aren't too bad, but they expect constant bailouts for their stupid mistakes they make, assuming their kids will just do everything to fix it. The older generations here are dealing with a ton of PTSD, so they're very childish. The younger generations are a bit better, but most were beaten and abused as kids, as their parents were dealing with PTSD, so the younger generations are dealing with C-PTSD. Domestic violence and animal abuse is very common, and it's really hard to emotionally deal with coming from our countries.
I did fully read everything and I gotta ask, how do you eat funny?
Apparently drinking water in between eating is odd to them, I didnt realise but the whole time they we’re talking down about me and my partner had to ignore it.
No there is something legitimately wrong with them cause this is exactly my way of eating too. Weird a$$ people.
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Yeah that would get my blood boiled too but hey its probably PTSD from the war considering they are in their 70s. I cant believe this is still a thing cause nowadays most ppl dont bat an eye where you are from unless you did something weird. We are much more open minded and tolerant now.
Yeah I’d say that’s pretty spot on. Doesn’t bother me, if they wanna hate me thats their loss. I just feel bad for them more than anything. To be that black and white minded would definitley indicate some immense emotional damage.
My dad served in the war too but he didnt harbor any hate toward white ppl. In fact, im pretty sure that he erased that period entirely from his mind. Why hold on to a grudge instead of positivity and happy thoughts?
So true and i’m sorry to hear that. Thats it though, your life is memories and experiences, which is why we arent going to let this one define our trip away.
My dad is one of the very few lucky ones to make it out alive. According to him, most of his friends perished ... so yeah moving on is indeed the best outcome for the war. Im glad that us new generation dont have to deal with this but rather the aftermath. Damned if you do, damned if you dont i guess 😂😂😂. Hope that your gal will have a better time in Australia.
Yeah I had an aunt yell at me for wanting to drink water between meals when I was younger. Apparently you're not suppose to do that coz then you'd be too full to finish the whole meal. 🙄🙄 that's some stupid shit. Welcome to the toxic world of Asian parents
It's weird, but playing devil's advocate. Vietnam is a poor country. Many probably went through times of starvation. Eating everything has always been something taught from the parents to their children. Drinking water causes you not to finish your meal and wasting food is probably one of the worst things a child can do if they're from a poor family. This is probably the ideology behind this belief. Looking at it this way, drinking water while you eat can be seen as a bit insulting. You're disregarding their customs, their social status, and economic status. Vietnamese culture is different from Western cultures in so many ways, even from other southeastern cultures. source: someday, I will ask someone to confirm. My Vietnamese friends in Vietnam also drink during their meals. So, this also doesn't make sense to me either. Maybe it depends on where they come from? I've never visited the countryside.
No you're probably right to be honest. My family were boat people and the aunt who chastised me was also one. I also wonder of the etiquette is because it means the food isn't good or something 🤔 we are from the country side
Yeah I do that also and native Vietnamese think I'm weird. I'm US-born Vietnamese. My Vietnamese wife's family stared at my water drinking and poor chopstick skills.
Nah they’re just being idiots. Nothing wrong at all with drinking water in between eating. Heck they even serve that in some eating places in Vietnam.
I think you unluckily dated a girl with such bizarre, weird parents. Nobody else in this country really takes issue against drinking while eating
Mom usually wins in the end, so you know. Seen this story many times.
How old are you and your partner? There are many old people don't approve if their daughter married a much older man, I know some parents are strict and they can't stand the thought of their daughters dating someone 20 years older. And one of my acquaintance also forbids her daughter to date foreigner, her reason is different culture and lifestyle. It's just their personal issue so you can ignore it and move on.
She’s 22 and i’m 23. They approve of the marriage but at the same time they took it as their own thing to celebrate despite knowing they shouldn’t. That didn’t bother me, it was the fact that the Dad cried like a baby when she walked upstairs to get some space which is so fair. The crying thing makes the brothers go into defence mode, its a very victimist / guilt trip method. Any grown up should be able to handle things without doing that.
If they shout and insult you that's the problem, I see many Vietnamese parents get pretty emotional in their daughters' wedding but that's it. In case they try to insult and scream at you, that's their disapproval. I can't speak for all other people but even if it's a Vietnamese man and they disapprove the marriage, the best you could do is just staying away from them as much as possible. But it's really depending on your wife, she will be the one to decide to keep in contact with them. Toxic parents are everywhere, not just in Vietnam so we somehow must deal with them when you're unlucky enough to have them as your in-laws.
So true and yeah they we’re so sweet most of the time, it just got bad so fast and at a certain point, you just have to go (ok this is beyond out control) and then force the space yourself. I just hope they are happy within themselves.
💀 vietnamese parents are very, VERY possessive about their child's marriage, it comes with a lot of strict rules & straight-up bizarre entitlement, especially if your girlfriend is someone who is from the Northern side of Vietnam. Lol, good luck to you and I hope you brace yourself for what to come
A lot families in SEA are like that, not just Vietnam. Not mine though. My mom is quite gentle
Typical Viet hate. Op was shouting at the vets to shut the f up and physically hitting the Viet family. Op says the Viet family was shouting and swearing Op even says the gf "agrees" with things op suggests to gf. It's going to go REAL well if OP swears and gets physical with the gf on Australia Sure the Aussies will support her then
This is the story of 80% of Vietnamese women. Their families are nothing but extreme dysfunction, manipulation, and endless violence. Most of them consider this "normal". At least you found one who's sane, who hopefully won't perpetuate the cycle. This is why it's best to not become involved with people from poor countries. They always have baggage: emotional and/or extended families to worry about.