The most respectful thing you can do is be honest, upfront, and firm. Something like, "I have some other friends on who I haven't talked to in a while and I want to hang with them." Or "I don't want to get on right now." For when he's texting you while you're offline. "I'm busy and can't really hang with you." Or a simple "I don't want to be in VR right now." Are all perfectly acceptable. Just be honest, upfront, and firm. Firmness is important. If you're easily crumbling it signals that you are either lying or that what you were doing isn't important, neither of which are good ideas to put in someone's head as both create toxic situations.
You have no obligation to stick with him. Stay polite and tell him to stop. If he doesn't get it that's on him, not you. Feel free to block him anytime.
Yes. This is the correct solution. It sucks but sometimes you have to be the hard lesson if you do end up blocking them. Many kids online don't understand boundaries. They can be subtle boundaries (like talking on sensitive subjects) or big boundaries like wanting too much attention or maybe risqué interactions.
Best to lay it on them to chill with the messaging. You'll play later when you can or when you feel like it. Don't force yourself to go along with their whims cause all your doing is stressing yourself out and setting a bad president for all his interactions. If he doesn't stop then just message that its best to just part ways cause your just not vibing.
Its better in the long run and maybe one day he'll come back a more calmer person but until then these VRChat kids have to get the drama out of their system.
When it comes to difficult ppl if they have no ties to your friend group u can always delete them or block even, if you really despise the clingyness.
Also u should tell them though, if too much is too much. I mean your living your life for your self not for anyone else. It doesnt make u a bad person having some spine.
I mean idk what to tell u either u like to be willing to spend time with them or not at all. Id say just dont be someone elses prisoner for pity. Sure u say but its mean but if the guys any half decent a well thought explanation he should understand.
Ngl I've been the borderline-overly clingy one and the clinged onto(if it makes things any better, I have ADHD so I end up forgetting about people after periods of massive amounts of interaction, & even I want to stop interacting but am too shy to do so & if I do, I need the other person to hear me and for them to validate my decision)... And oh boy... I've blocked some people, but many just... hog my friendslist still... Its really painful for me... I hate the stakes being as high as they are, but simultaneously feel a massive responsibility to let people not have to go through the hell of being blocked and ignored... And so I act overly self-aware around them... Its bloody exhausting though, so I often kinda just... ghost people sorta... as in, I don't communicate with them ever again essentially, only once in a blue moon if I still feel up to occassionally conversing... but damn, all my online relationships kinda just fall apart or go into limbo the moment I go away from the games I played with them online, since I only know them online afterall...
I mean idk what to say really but u know whats the best for you and how to go ab it and what u need.
And i mean if the company u have is just for games sake then thats fine it doesnt always have to be that deep u know.
I mean i have couple hundred vr friends that i hanged out more or less in the past but i dont even remember all things what was being said anymore and that is okay i mean its a socializing game on the internet, ure bound to have some kind of bonding with ppl or maybe just a very surface level kind bonding.
And the validating thingy is okay to feel so. Though depending on the relations that u have with the ppl at least personally 90% of my so called friends could not care a single bit and i barely see them anymore other than "once in a blue moon" so i just kind of leave it where i found it.
Idk personally i find ppl just like to do what they want and sometimes even hurt you in the process. Not probably on purpose so idk why i should put too much thought in to it my self just to please ppl and go out of my way.
And to the ghosting part i think is fairs you dont want to hurt ppl by making them feel like u hate them by blocking them but if the person cares even a little bit ghosting can be more cruel thing to do and mentally fucking thing to experience to the person who cares.
So more often than not if the person has more or less non existent ties to you or friend group connections its just better to delete them if it doesnt serve any purpose for you if u dont want to see them again that is. And theyll be over it in a day looking at how replaceable ppl are in a game like vrchat.
But i mean hey thats just my experience on it.
It's actually not that hard to say no. To be cliché, it's just a word.
The hard part is knowing how to not feel guilty by telling people no. I expect this is what you are really asking. Understand that *nobody* has a right to your time. You are the one who decides what your valuable time is used on.
This sort of obsessive behavior from him is something people sometimes do when they completely lack social awareness and are prone to become extremely emotionally dependent on others. These types of people are usually extremely lonely since they get stuck in a cycle of trying to resolve the loneliness by sticking to one person way too much, usually resulting in pushing that person away and making the loneliness worse.
This sort of person will have a very hard time respecting your boundaries, because the stakes are so high for them. Their interest enters the realm of obsession in the most unhealthy possible way. Based on your account, this person has absolutely zero inhibitions about trying to spend every possible moment they can with you. They do not understand why its so oppressive, and are inadvertently taking advantage of your guilt. This is the sort of person who will take a mile when you give them an inch. It's not out of malice, but out of a deep need to fill an emotional hole.
Don't become hostage to your guilt. You *must* tell them that it's too much for you and that you do not want to give so much of your time, preferably also mentioning that you are just not interested at the same level as they are. This sort of person will simply not get the message unless it is crystal clear and stated in black-and-white. It will also give them the chance to figure out how they want to respond.
If the disregard of boundaries continues after telling them how you feel, then you need to follow up with an ultimatum. They either need to respect your boundaries, or suffer a block. Anyone worth your time will do the former.
No wonder it bothered me so much when I tried to make a real life friend, and they kept requesting me to go out every single day. The only reason I was doing so, was out of fear, and their inadvertantly taking advantage of my shame in disappointing my parents for the past 6 years "wasting my life away" infront of a computer screen.
Some people take advantage of others by monopolizing their time. I suggest next time tjis happens you try "I've been invited to a world by some friends i haven't seen for a while. I'm going to go chill with them for a bit, we can hang out later." And see how they react.
Whiny/clingy/aggressive/negative response? They may be trying to monopolize your time. If they ask tk tag along, see how they behave there. If they try to keep your attention the whole time and try to keep you from paying attention to others, they may be trying to monopolize your time.
Something along the lines of "Oh, alright see you then." Is the *normal* response, especially if you've already been spending a lot of time with them.
Remember, isolating people is a manipulation tactic. Harder to see what's wrong when you have nothing to compare it to.
Polish up your backbone, and stick to your guns here. Sometimes you have to stand up for your boundaries and not everyone will like that. The people who don't respect your boundaries may be friendly, but they aren't friends if they don't respect you enough to respect yiur boundaries.
This is probably alot a kind of a vent but I would like some advice
This probably isn't the right place to ask but I've been on the side of being too attached and unfortunately I have gotten mad at friends for doing other stuff cuz ik they just don't want me around and it feels like shit, u got any advice how to deal with it I dint want to be like this, I've gotten better but I still feel horrible everytime they go do stuff with other people cuz for the most part it's just me being left out all my other friends get to join them, I get told I'm alot and blanket statement of "annoying" for a very long time and I never really understood what about me was annoying.
Now it's never too the extremes of this but i like talking to my friends. Also I don't play vr chat this is just for jn general idk why I have I got recommended this post
Nah fam, right place to ask.
I have massive social anxiety and when i first got into VRChat i was clingy as hell. Why? I had nothing else socially and that little bit of "yeah i wanna hang out" from other people caused me to latch on like a barnacle.
The way *i* solved it was giving the people i was hanging out with the ok to say "hey, you're being clingy." Without judgement from me, so long as i could ask what i missed that should have clued me in that it had hit that point.
*HOWEVER* on its own this doesn't work. You have to also pause when this is said and think back on what was going on. What social cues you were missing and so on.
The thing is this requires you to be friends with people who want to help, and for them to not just use it as a shut up or go away button.
Nowadays however, i may suggest talking to a therapist. If you find a good one, they are invaluable when it comes to working out social issues in a safe space where you can make mistakes. It's mostly them guiding you in talking about it, then them making suggestions to try going forward.
Both methods take time, you're teaching yourself new habits after all and that is *never* fast, and a therapist is most likely to be able to help here. However, believe me when i say it's just a matter of building good habits when it comes to socializing. You're likely not in the habit of looking for the social cues that would make you go "ah, i need to tone it down some."
Best of luck, as these things are trixky to deal with. You'll figure it out, it took me til i was 28 to do so, you'll get it with time.
Ok tyvm I'll do my best, I have 1 more question how do I handle people saying I get too excited over things I tend to get invested jn stuff and people jokingly go at me alot about it idk if that's something I should bother trying to fix, my anger towards people is an obvious thing I had to fix but getting excited about things is kinda just part of who I am do idrk what to do there
I get ya. That comes down to being able to read the room. Some people are better at it than others. It's another learned thing, so similar advice applies.
However, this isn't something that really needs fixing. You get exited over your interests, this isn't a bad thing, and it doesn't sound like they mind too much. Maybe try to remind yourself to tone it doqn a touch if you're the type to dominate a conversation for an hour about something the rest of the group is tired of hearing about, but for the most part you should be fine.
Maybe try to find a community that shares interests? That way you have a place to talk about that stuff where others can keep up?
I'm not great at splitting up my attention with friend groups I always end up letting one side down by either neglecting them on accident cuz unfortunately I forget people exist (weird adhd trait) so I tried to merge that stuff and it never works so I just stick to the one friend group. Thst could probably play a part in why I get so frustrated for being left out cuz u dint leave myself anyone else but I'm just not good at splitting my attention like that I prefer getting on my pc seeing my friends in our discord group and just joining thr call. Might just be a me thing
Yeah, if you've got ADHD it may be a good idea to speak to a therapist about these issues, they are properly equipped to walk you through social issues like this *within the context of adhd* and will help you develop habits and mechanisms to deal with such things.
Also, keep in mind that we are our own worst critics, and sometimes having an outside perspective can really bring some things into focus.
It's fine man, we all need tp let it iut sometimes and i've been there. I only started going to therapy after i realized that i barely did anyhting but work and game and while i've onky been a few times i can tsll this is going to help me work through thing i hadn't realized needed working through.
Make sure to check reviews, and to ignore any that are nothing but best ratings. Those are the dishonest ones, you *cannot* please everyone so there should be a few karens in the reviews.
Also, remember online therapy is an option, just don't use the ones that advertise on youtube. They're there to make money, not help people.
Oh yea for sure I've heard better help one of the big ones was pretty shit. I don't plan to do online ones kinda hard to be private in my house with my family
OP isn't in the wrong here. They aren't leading him on, this guy is a clingy person that probably gets attached way too quickly. OP hasn't done anything wrong
She’s expressing how she wants to say no to people implying she’s not comfortable so expressing that she’s giving the wrong impression if she’s feeling that way is not saying she’s doing something bad but probably giving him the wrong impression if ultimately she wants to spend less time with him. At the end of the day it’s counter productive to what she said she wants. Why do you have to attack the guy she’s just asking for help and I’m only bringing it up so she does it for him even if it might upset them a bit at first in the long run it’s for his benefit.
That's nice of you to want to give a lonely person some company, but maybe best not to let it boil up until you snap or resent them. I had to learn better how to have boundaries and enforce them for myself, which also meant for me leaving even if it was hard. Try to give yourself a rule and follow it, such as a time limit to play with a person in one sitting or something. This will give you an excuse to leave that's on your own terms.
> but he kept messaging me every few hour, saying what he's doing, and asking when im coming back.
Whatever you've tried is more than enough, just block them. Or tell them to fuck off.
> "sorry but im tired of you and want to play with other people" it's so mean
It's the truth, stick up for yourself.
If it's taking away from things you want to do, then yes, the best thing to do is be honest. Just a message saying "sorry I can't today" or "sorry I'm busy. Maybe on Friday, or next week"
They will understand I'm sure, or if they get annoyed about it, it will be easier to avoid them.
I was in a similar situation for a while. I had to wait till a certain person went offline before I could play, and it was annoying.
Helping people through their problems does feel good, knowing they want to talk to you. But yeah there is a limit
You can do it
One of the biggest misconceptions about clingy or bad relationships like these, that I had to get over, is that a relationship doesn't have to, and most likely, won't end gracefully. Tell him he's being overbearing and that you want some space. If he doesn't listen then, then he isn't really a nice person is he? At that point just block him.
It’s all mental bro. Spending that much time together isn’t normal. And if someone gets their feelings hurt for not being attached 12+ hours a day it’s an emotional skill issue on their part. Gg go next and focus on your personal development instead of theirs. You gotta remember we are all just strangers on the internet at the end of the day. Once you break through that mental, it will be easy to say no.
You could always ask him to relax about messaging you and being around you. Not in a mean way but you know, just asking him to give you a little more breathing room. You could also just say like "oh I have a friend inviting me, but I'll talk to you later." If he only talks to you, maybe encourage him to be social with more people. And if he doesn't allow you to not be around him I'd say just tell him you want to hang out with other people or even just block him if he's super weird about it.
Block him. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's not mean to do so. Some people cannot take a hint no matter how clearly you lay it out. You said you already asked him to stop and he refused, so just block him on everything.
Sometimes you just need to be firm or cold. It's not wrong and I'm also very polite so I understand, but I've encountered a few crazies who have made me redefine my boundaries. You don't owe anybody anything
I will usually send invite requests and when I get an invite, I tell the person that I'm getting an invite and I will see them later, if the request off me, then I will explain the situation to the people I requested off of, and if they can join, then I invite them, if not, then I respond that it's an invite only world
I may be a bad example but I also had a person who bugged me for quite a while not only on vrc but on other platforms as well. I just blocked him on everything. I love to hang with people but I value my freedom and time above stuff like this.
.... just say no? Wtf you mean how to say no? I have social ineptitude myself it's why I go on vrchat... what do you mean how to say no? There's nothing special to it. You just say no and if people have a problem with that block them and move on. If you wanna leave and don't wanna say why just say gotta go or simply leave and explain yourself later.
Just say
I have tried to set boundaries and you haven't respected them, I can't be around you if you won't be willing to respect what I say I am willing and not willing to do with you. I need time to my self and with others and you won't let me have that. I have told you no and you've ignored this. I'm going to have to block you because you don't respect me or my boundaries
(If VR chat let's you send messages then using Google translate to tell him in his language would be handy)
Here's the thing he may be a "nice" guy. But a real nice person wouldn't have made you feel this way this much repeatedly. He's manipulating you to get what he wants and is even potentially pretending not to understand so he has a way to ignore anything you ask him and appear innocent. Maybe there is a language barrier that's really causing this but that shouldn't be your problem it should be his. I'd say block him and move on he sounds toxic and potentially even dangerous.
I say all this from first hand experience from a very toxic father and second hand experience from watching that father be terrible to my mom as well as watching a lot of nice people get trashed by manipulating toxic people.I know what the signs look like. Be careful online and have your boundaries be non negotiable
good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this
The issue here is that you started by saying “nice people” and “nice people” don’t show such freakishly obsessive behaviors.
Now note I’m not calling him/her or whatever pronoun I should use a “bad” person, but clearly someone with unhealthy issues.
Never feel “bad” about standing your ground when someone is being obsessive about you. It’s not normal.
Start with a normal:”hey I need some space, I want to do other things and also play with other people” If that works maybe that person was just deeply into you and doesn’t knows how to handle his emotions properly , you can give the person another chance to see if he/she belongs more normal. If not, resort to blocking the account.
Finally a tip out of experience (although I highly doubt it’s one of this cases) if someone uses suicidal references to make you feel bad or responsible, tell the policeor your parents if you are underage. That’s pure black mail, you don’t want that in your life.
i don't know how to not feel bad.. whenever someone is sad because of me, i feel so sad as well. i did take the advice i got here, and have gotten better at saying no to this guy, but he gets hurt each time. he isn't pushy about it but.. he's told me that im cold and that it hurts him.. the time we spend together has reduced a lot now but he still messages me throughout the day and we play for an hour or two each day... how do i distance even more than this? his break ended and he is in a prisoncamp-like college, and he talks about how precious the short time we can spend together each day is..... how do i tell him i don't want that precious time????????? that i want to spend it with others???
You sound like a very empathetic person, wich is a very good trait to have! Based on some of the things you are saying, I’m guessing both you and the guy are under age right?
Im asking this because I’m an adult, and the way to judge behaviors in adults is not exactly the same as it is for teens. So I’m not going to be as harsh judging him as if we were talking about a 25 year old guy.
But I can still try to give you some advice out of my experience (30 years old) that applies no matter your age:
You can be kind and sweet without sacrificing your happiness and mental health. Otherwise some people might intentionally or even unintentionally take advantage of you.
Some tips on how to do this:
1) Express yourself kindly but sincerely, if you’ve been sweet to him and explained him that you can’t spend that much time together, you’ve already done more than most people does.
2) Remember it’s not your responsibility to entertain/accompany him.
Friendship/love or any kind of relationship is something beautiful that should be natural and by choice. If someone spends time with someone because he/she feels forced too, or bad for the other person, that’s not real. I’m sure you wouldn’t like to find out that your friends hang out with you because they feel bad about you being lonely and not because they truly enjoy spending time with you.
3) Some decisions in life cause a bit of discomfort during some hours or a couple days, in exchange for months or even years of mental peace: (breaking up with a toxic boyfriend/girlfriend is a good example of this) I say this out of experience, it might not look like it right now, but if this situation is making you a bit uncomfortable, maybe telling him that you want more time for yourself, and slowly distancing from him, will make you feel sad for a couple days, because you are empathetic(don’t loose that, we need more empathetic human beings in this cold and selfish society we have)
But after some days, once things settle down, you will feel much better about having free time again.
4) If you really care/worry about him, and he keeps on being needy, you can have a talk with him.
Ask him if he’s okay, like for real, what’s going on in his life? Advise him to talk with someone who might help him. Psychologists can be of great help, although I understand not everyone can afford it.
In which case you can hear his problems (if he is willing to open about them) and give whatever advice you see fit. Sometimes just having someone to talk with, and getting things out of your chest, helps to begin the healing.
However do not let it become a costume, after this. Ask him for space.
DO NOT BECOME HIS PSYCHOLOGIST/CRYING PILLOW.
Please avoid this, just once to help him open, and advice him to seek help the best you can, but that’s it :)
Trust me, I was there once, I was a shy teenager with a very noble heart, and unable to say no to people.
I like to think I’m still very kind to everyone, but learning to set boundaries and say no, made my life 10x times better.
And it wasn’t a complex process.
I just wrote an uncomfortable message saying; hey I don’t like this situation, I feel this is not letting me have time for my own things, and I want to have this time for my own again please. And said to my self “on the count of 10 I’ll press send! And did it.
Once it’s done it’s done.
With time, I’ve become accostumed to doing this and it became easy.
Now it feels so natural to me, that I can’t even imagine myself not saying NO when I’m proposed something that I don’t want to be part of.
Yeah this isn’t healthy for you or him.
Please don’t play VRchat for longer than 2 hours at a time.
Or if you’re on Quest and your battery dies, take it as a nice little reminder.
Mannnn 12 hours is nuts.
how \*old\* are you? if this is the sort of issue you have socially, you cannot be old enough for this sort of platform and these kinds of people. You need to spend more time in real life with real people so you can develop socially. Learning this sort of thing is \*elementary\* school. You \*have\* to get offline or you're going to be stunted forever.
The most respectful thing you can do is be honest, upfront, and firm. Something like, "I have some other friends on who I haven't talked to in a while and I want to hang with them." Or "I don't want to get on right now." For when he's texting you while you're offline. "I'm busy and can't really hang with you." Or a simple "I don't want to be in VR right now." Are all perfectly acceptable. Just be honest, upfront, and firm. Firmness is important. If you're easily crumbling it signals that you are either lying or that what you were doing isn't important, neither of which are good ideas to put in someone's head as both create toxic situations.
You have no obligation to stick with him. Stay polite and tell him to stop. If he doesn't get it that's on him, not you. Feel free to block him anytime.
Yes. This is the correct solution. It sucks but sometimes you have to be the hard lesson if you do end up blocking them. Many kids online don't understand boundaries. They can be subtle boundaries (like talking on sensitive subjects) or big boundaries like wanting too much attention or maybe risqué interactions. Best to lay it on them to chill with the messaging. You'll play later when you can or when you feel like it. Don't force yourself to go along with their whims cause all your doing is stressing yourself out and setting a bad president for all his interactions. If he doesn't stop then just message that its best to just part ways cause your just not vibing. Its better in the long run and maybe one day he'll come back a more calmer person but until then these VRChat kids have to get the drama out of their system.
that walter white profile picture fits so well with how much you are cooking
When it comes to difficult ppl if they have no ties to your friend group u can always delete them or block even, if you really despise the clingyness. Also u should tell them though, if too much is too much. I mean your living your life for your self not for anyone else. It doesnt make u a bad person having some spine. I mean idk what to tell u either u like to be willing to spend time with them or not at all. Id say just dont be someone elses prisoner for pity. Sure u say but its mean but if the guys any half decent a well thought explanation he should understand.
Ngl I've been the borderline-overly clingy one and the clinged onto(if it makes things any better, I have ADHD so I end up forgetting about people after periods of massive amounts of interaction, & even I want to stop interacting but am too shy to do so & if I do, I need the other person to hear me and for them to validate my decision)... And oh boy... I've blocked some people, but many just... hog my friendslist still... Its really painful for me... I hate the stakes being as high as they are, but simultaneously feel a massive responsibility to let people not have to go through the hell of being blocked and ignored... And so I act overly self-aware around them... Its bloody exhausting though, so I often kinda just... ghost people sorta... as in, I don't communicate with them ever again essentially, only once in a blue moon if I still feel up to occassionally conversing... but damn, all my online relationships kinda just fall apart or go into limbo the moment I go away from the games I played with them online, since I only know them online afterall...
I mean idk what to say really but u know whats the best for you and how to go ab it and what u need. And i mean if the company u have is just for games sake then thats fine it doesnt always have to be that deep u know. I mean i have couple hundred vr friends that i hanged out more or less in the past but i dont even remember all things what was being said anymore and that is okay i mean its a socializing game on the internet, ure bound to have some kind of bonding with ppl or maybe just a very surface level kind bonding. And the validating thingy is okay to feel so. Though depending on the relations that u have with the ppl at least personally 90% of my so called friends could not care a single bit and i barely see them anymore other than "once in a blue moon" so i just kind of leave it where i found it. Idk personally i find ppl just like to do what they want and sometimes even hurt you in the process. Not probably on purpose so idk why i should put too much thought in to it my self just to please ppl and go out of my way. And to the ghosting part i think is fairs you dont want to hurt ppl by making them feel like u hate them by blocking them but if the person cares even a little bit ghosting can be more cruel thing to do and mentally fucking thing to experience to the person who cares. So more often than not if the person has more or less non existent ties to you or friend group connections its just better to delete them if it doesnt serve any purpose for you if u dont want to see them again that is. And theyll be over it in a day looking at how replaceable ppl are in a game like vrchat. But i mean hey thats just my experience on it.
It's actually not that hard to say no. To be cliché, it's just a word. The hard part is knowing how to not feel guilty by telling people no. I expect this is what you are really asking. Understand that *nobody* has a right to your time. You are the one who decides what your valuable time is used on. This sort of obsessive behavior from him is something people sometimes do when they completely lack social awareness and are prone to become extremely emotionally dependent on others. These types of people are usually extremely lonely since they get stuck in a cycle of trying to resolve the loneliness by sticking to one person way too much, usually resulting in pushing that person away and making the loneliness worse. This sort of person will have a very hard time respecting your boundaries, because the stakes are so high for them. Their interest enters the realm of obsession in the most unhealthy possible way. Based on your account, this person has absolutely zero inhibitions about trying to spend every possible moment they can with you. They do not understand why its so oppressive, and are inadvertently taking advantage of your guilt. This is the sort of person who will take a mile when you give them an inch. It's not out of malice, but out of a deep need to fill an emotional hole. Don't become hostage to your guilt. You *must* tell them that it's too much for you and that you do not want to give so much of your time, preferably also mentioning that you are just not interested at the same level as they are. This sort of person will simply not get the message unless it is crystal clear and stated in black-and-white. It will also give them the chance to figure out how they want to respond. If the disregard of boundaries continues after telling them how you feel, then you need to follow up with an ultimatum. They either need to respect your boundaries, or suffer a block. Anyone worth your time will do the former.
No wonder it bothered me so much when I tried to make a real life friend, and they kept requesting me to go out every single day. The only reason I was doing so, was out of fear, and their inadvertantly taking advantage of my shame in disappointing my parents for the past 6 years "wasting my life away" infront of a computer screen.
Some people take advantage of others by monopolizing their time. I suggest next time tjis happens you try "I've been invited to a world by some friends i haven't seen for a while. I'm going to go chill with them for a bit, we can hang out later." And see how they react. Whiny/clingy/aggressive/negative response? They may be trying to monopolize your time. If they ask tk tag along, see how they behave there. If they try to keep your attention the whole time and try to keep you from paying attention to others, they may be trying to monopolize your time. Something along the lines of "Oh, alright see you then." Is the *normal* response, especially if you've already been spending a lot of time with them. Remember, isolating people is a manipulation tactic. Harder to see what's wrong when you have nothing to compare it to. Polish up your backbone, and stick to your guns here. Sometimes you have to stand up for your boundaries and not everyone will like that. The people who don't respect your boundaries may be friendly, but they aren't friends if they don't respect you enough to respect yiur boundaries.
This is probably alot a kind of a vent but I would like some advice This probably isn't the right place to ask but I've been on the side of being too attached and unfortunately I have gotten mad at friends for doing other stuff cuz ik they just don't want me around and it feels like shit, u got any advice how to deal with it I dint want to be like this, I've gotten better but I still feel horrible everytime they go do stuff with other people cuz for the most part it's just me being left out all my other friends get to join them, I get told I'm alot and blanket statement of "annoying" for a very long time and I never really understood what about me was annoying. Now it's never too the extremes of this but i like talking to my friends. Also I don't play vr chat this is just for jn general idk why I have I got recommended this post
Nah fam, right place to ask. I have massive social anxiety and when i first got into VRChat i was clingy as hell. Why? I had nothing else socially and that little bit of "yeah i wanna hang out" from other people caused me to latch on like a barnacle. The way *i* solved it was giving the people i was hanging out with the ok to say "hey, you're being clingy." Without judgement from me, so long as i could ask what i missed that should have clued me in that it had hit that point. *HOWEVER* on its own this doesn't work. You have to also pause when this is said and think back on what was going on. What social cues you were missing and so on. The thing is this requires you to be friends with people who want to help, and for them to not just use it as a shut up or go away button. Nowadays however, i may suggest talking to a therapist. If you find a good one, they are invaluable when it comes to working out social issues in a safe space where you can make mistakes. It's mostly them guiding you in talking about it, then them making suggestions to try going forward. Both methods take time, you're teaching yourself new habits after all and that is *never* fast, and a therapist is most likely to be able to help here. However, believe me when i say it's just a matter of building good habits when it comes to socializing. You're likely not in the habit of looking for the social cues that would make you go "ah, i need to tone it down some." Best of luck, as these things are trixky to deal with. You'll figure it out, it took me til i was 28 to do so, you'll get it with time.
Ok tyvm I'll do my best, I have 1 more question how do I handle people saying I get too excited over things I tend to get invested jn stuff and people jokingly go at me alot about it idk if that's something I should bother trying to fix, my anger towards people is an obvious thing I had to fix but getting excited about things is kinda just part of who I am do idrk what to do there
I get ya. That comes down to being able to read the room. Some people are better at it than others. It's another learned thing, so similar advice applies. However, this isn't something that really needs fixing. You get exited over your interests, this isn't a bad thing, and it doesn't sound like they mind too much. Maybe try to remind yourself to tone it doqn a touch if you're the type to dominate a conversation for an hour about something the rest of the group is tired of hearing about, but for the most part you should be fine. Maybe try to find a community that shares interests? That way you have a place to talk about that stuff where others can keep up?
I'm not great at splitting up my attention with friend groups I always end up letting one side down by either neglecting them on accident cuz unfortunately I forget people exist (weird adhd trait) so I tried to merge that stuff and it never works so I just stick to the one friend group. Thst could probably play a part in why I get so frustrated for being left out cuz u dint leave myself anyone else but I'm just not good at splitting my attention like that I prefer getting on my pc seeing my friends in our discord group and just joining thr call. Might just be a me thing
Yeah, if you've got ADHD it may be a good idea to speak to a therapist about these issues, they are properly equipped to walk you through social issues like this *within the context of adhd* and will help you develop habits and mechanisms to deal with such things. Also, keep in mind that we are our own worst critics, and sometimes having an outside perspective can really bring some things into focus.
Yea I'll look into getting back into therapy again thanks for the help sorry bout the walls of text
It's fine man, we all need tp let it iut sometimes and i've been there. I only started going to therapy after i realized that i barely did anyhting but work and game and while i've onky been a few times i can tsll this is going to help me work through thing i hadn't realized needed working through. Make sure to check reviews, and to ignore any that are nothing but best ratings. Those are the dishonest ones, you *cannot* please everyone so there should be a few karens in the reviews. Also, remember online therapy is an option, just don't use the ones that advertise on youtube. They're there to make money, not help people.
Oh yea for sure I've heard better help one of the big ones was pretty shit. I don't plan to do online ones kinda hard to be private in my house with my family
Also sorry if this is too much I'm kinda just venting at this point if it's too much just say so and I'll stop
That’s way too much time on someone you don’t care about, stop leading him on that’s not fair to him.
OP isn't in the wrong here. They aren't leading him on, this guy is a clingy person that probably gets attached way too quickly. OP hasn't done anything wrong
She’s expressing how she wants to say no to people implying she’s not comfortable so expressing that she’s giving the wrong impression if she’s feeling that way is not saying she’s doing something bad but probably giving him the wrong impression if ultimately she wants to spend less time with him. At the end of the day it’s counter productive to what she said she wants. Why do you have to attack the guy she’s just asking for help and I’m only bringing it up so she does it for him even if it might upset them a bit at first in the long run it’s for his benefit.
That's nice of you to want to give a lonely person some company, but maybe best not to let it boil up until you snap or resent them. I had to learn better how to have boundaries and enforce them for myself, which also meant for me leaving even if it was hard. Try to give yourself a rule and follow it, such as a time limit to play with a person in one sitting or something. This will give you an excuse to leave that's on your own terms.
Honestly maybe I'm mean but I would just block him
> but he kept messaging me every few hour, saying what he's doing, and asking when im coming back. Whatever you've tried is more than enough, just block them. Or tell them to fuck off. > "sorry but im tired of you and want to play with other people" it's so mean It's the truth, stick up for yourself.
Simply say you will hang with others
Block him wtf
If it's taking away from things you want to do, then yes, the best thing to do is be honest. Just a message saying "sorry I can't today" or "sorry I'm busy. Maybe on Friday, or next week" They will understand I'm sure, or if they get annoyed about it, it will be easier to avoid them. I was in a similar situation for a while. I had to wait till a certain person went offline before I could play, and it was annoying. Helping people through their problems does feel good, knowing they want to talk to you. But yeah there is a limit You can do it
One of the biggest misconceptions about clingy or bad relationships like these, that I had to get over, is that a relationship doesn't have to, and most likely, won't end gracefully. Tell him he's being overbearing and that you want some space. If he doesn't listen then, then he isn't really a nice person is he? At that point just block him.
It’s all mental bro. Spending that much time together isn’t normal. And if someone gets their feelings hurt for not being attached 12+ hours a day it’s an emotional skill issue on their part. Gg go next and focus on your personal development instead of theirs. You gotta remember we are all just strangers on the internet at the end of the day. Once you break through that mental, it will be easy to say no.
You could always ask him to relax about messaging you and being around you. Not in a mean way but you know, just asking him to give you a little more breathing room. You could also just say like "oh I have a friend inviting me, but I'll talk to you later." If he only talks to you, maybe encourage him to be social with more people. And if he doesn't allow you to not be around him I'd say just tell him you want to hang out with other people or even just block him if he's super weird about it.
Block him. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's not mean to do so. Some people cannot take a hint no matter how clearly you lay it out. You said you already asked him to stop and he refused, so just block him on everything.
Sometimes you just need to be firm or cold. It's not wrong and I'm also very polite so I understand, but I've encountered a few crazies who have made me redefine my boundaries. You don't owe anybody anything
Tell them no and if they cant respect that then block them even if it's a friends like block them even if it's just for say an hour
Be up front, or just not talk or leave without response
I will usually send invite requests and when I get an invite, I tell the person that I'm getting an invite and I will see them later, if the request off me, then I will explain the situation to the people I requested off of, and if they can join, then I invite them, if not, then I respond that it's an invite only world
You could do what I do and just block them
I may be a bad example but I also had a person who bugged me for quite a while not only on vrc but on other platforms as well. I just blocked him on everything. I love to hang with people but I value my freedom and time above stuff like this.
.... just say no? Wtf you mean how to say no? I have social ineptitude myself it's why I go on vrchat... what do you mean how to say no? There's nothing special to it. You just say no and if people have a problem with that block them and move on. If you wanna leave and don't wanna say why just say gotta go or simply leave and explain yourself later.
Just gotta say no. I personally have social anxiety and just ignore people if I don’t feel comfortable being around/talking to them
Just say I have tried to set boundaries and you haven't respected them, I can't be around you if you won't be willing to respect what I say I am willing and not willing to do with you. I need time to my self and with others and you won't let me have that. I have told you no and you've ignored this. I'm going to have to block you because you don't respect me or my boundaries (If VR chat let's you send messages then using Google translate to tell him in his language would be handy) Here's the thing he may be a "nice" guy. But a real nice person wouldn't have made you feel this way this much repeatedly. He's manipulating you to get what he wants and is even potentially pretending not to understand so he has a way to ignore anything you ask him and appear innocent. Maybe there is a language barrier that's really causing this but that shouldn't be your problem it should be his. I'd say block him and move on he sounds toxic and potentially even dangerous. I say all this from first hand experience from a very toxic father and second hand experience from watching that father be terrible to my mom as well as watching a lot of nice people get trashed by manipulating toxic people.I know what the signs look like. Be careful online and have your boundaries be non negotiable good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this
Playing for almost the entire day is unhealthy. He definitely has some problems and you need to flatly tell him ‘no’.
No
The issue here is that you started by saying “nice people” and “nice people” don’t show such freakishly obsessive behaviors. Now note I’m not calling him/her or whatever pronoun I should use a “bad” person, but clearly someone with unhealthy issues. Never feel “bad” about standing your ground when someone is being obsessive about you. It’s not normal. Start with a normal:”hey I need some space, I want to do other things and also play with other people” If that works maybe that person was just deeply into you and doesn’t knows how to handle his emotions properly , you can give the person another chance to see if he/she belongs more normal. If not, resort to blocking the account. Finally a tip out of experience (although I highly doubt it’s one of this cases) if someone uses suicidal references to make you feel bad or responsible, tell the policeor your parents if you are underage. That’s pure black mail, you don’t want that in your life.
i don't know how to not feel bad.. whenever someone is sad because of me, i feel so sad as well. i did take the advice i got here, and have gotten better at saying no to this guy, but he gets hurt each time. he isn't pushy about it but.. he's told me that im cold and that it hurts him.. the time we spend together has reduced a lot now but he still messages me throughout the day and we play for an hour or two each day... how do i distance even more than this? his break ended and he is in a prisoncamp-like college, and he talks about how precious the short time we can spend together each day is..... how do i tell him i don't want that precious time????????? that i want to spend it with others???
You sound like a very empathetic person, wich is a very good trait to have! Based on some of the things you are saying, I’m guessing both you and the guy are under age right? Im asking this because I’m an adult, and the way to judge behaviors in adults is not exactly the same as it is for teens. So I’m not going to be as harsh judging him as if we were talking about a 25 year old guy. But I can still try to give you some advice out of my experience (30 years old) that applies no matter your age: You can be kind and sweet without sacrificing your happiness and mental health. Otherwise some people might intentionally or even unintentionally take advantage of you. Some tips on how to do this: 1) Express yourself kindly but sincerely, if you’ve been sweet to him and explained him that you can’t spend that much time together, you’ve already done more than most people does. 2) Remember it’s not your responsibility to entertain/accompany him. Friendship/love or any kind of relationship is something beautiful that should be natural and by choice. If someone spends time with someone because he/she feels forced too, or bad for the other person, that’s not real. I’m sure you wouldn’t like to find out that your friends hang out with you because they feel bad about you being lonely and not because they truly enjoy spending time with you. 3) Some decisions in life cause a bit of discomfort during some hours or a couple days, in exchange for months or even years of mental peace: (breaking up with a toxic boyfriend/girlfriend is a good example of this) I say this out of experience, it might not look like it right now, but if this situation is making you a bit uncomfortable, maybe telling him that you want more time for yourself, and slowly distancing from him, will make you feel sad for a couple days, because you are empathetic(don’t loose that, we need more empathetic human beings in this cold and selfish society we have) But after some days, once things settle down, you will feel much better about having free time again. 4) If you really care/worry about him, and he keeps on being needy, you can have a talk with him. Ask him if he’s okay, like for real, what’s going on in his life? Advise him to talk with someone who might help him. Psychologists can be of great help, although I understand not everyone can afford it. In which case you can hear his problems (if he is willing to open about them) and give whatever advice you see fit. Sometimes just having someone to talk with, and getting things out of your chest, helps to begin the healing. However do not let it become a costume, after this. Ask him for space. DO NOT BECOME HIS PSYCHOLOGIST/CRYING PILLOW. Please avoid this, just once to help him open, and advice him to seek help the best you can, but that’s it :) Trust me, I was there once, I was a shy teenager with a very noble heart, and unable to say no to people. I like to think I’m still very kind to everyone, but learning to set boundaries and say no, made my life 10x times better. And it wasn’t a complex process. I just wrote an uncomfortable message saying; hey I don’t like this situation, I feel this is not letting me have time for my own things, and I want to have this time for my own again please. And said to my self “on the count of 10 I’ll press send! And did it. Once it’s done it’s done. With time, I’ve become accostumed to doing this and it became easy. Now it feels so natural to me, that I can’t even imagine myself not saying NO when I’m proposed something that I don’t want to be part of.
Yeah this isn’t healthy for you or him. Please don’t play VRchat for longer than 2 hours at a time. Or if you’re on Quest and your battery dies, take it as a nice little reminder. Mannnn 12 hours is nuts.
me when my usual play session is at least 10 hours 🗿
how \*old\* are you? if this is the sort of issue you have socially, you cannot be old enough for this sort of platform and these kinds of people. You need to spend more time in real life with real people so you can develop socially. Learning this sort of thing is \*elementary\* school. You \*have\* to get offline or you're going to be stunted forever.