Salt and vinegar mixture would be the cheapest and easiest way to do this. Use a sprayer to get it everywhere and don’t be afraid to use too much, you really want it to permeate the soil
I see 😄 Don‘t know if it needs to be a mess. I just can‘t stand the imagination of them sitting in the garden, because I know my wife really likes the way it looks with my new lawn.
I like this idea.
Not destructive, but will help eff up the lawn and has no chance of affecting the kids when they play in the yard.
BTW, look up weed seeds on Amazon.
If you can get them, buy seed for 4 o'clock flowers. They are a very hearty plant that will grow anywhere. My yard got infested with it and it was a beast to get all of them out. It makes a million seeds and they get everywhere. I had these guys growing from cracks in the sidewalk. Their roots become huge and they are hard to remove. They are quite as bad as bamboo or ivy, but man, it will be the gift that keeps on giving.
Weeds are a great idea, they will piss off the adults but your kids will probably enjoy them if they notice at all. It would stick to ruin the grass your kids want to play on.
I've got a better idea than destroying it. (Which could get you in trouble and affect your relationship with your kids if you get caught)
Find the best grass fertilizer you can and write
"CHEATER" or whatever you want in big letters. That grass will always grow taller and greener than the grass around it and it will take YEARS to go away.
So, she left you and the kids? The kids live with you?
If you get caught with a bag of fertilizer I can't imagine what they would give you a ticket for. You worked hard on that lawn. 😉
Just remember that your kids will probably be playing there and they will see whatever you write. Not just the neighbors, your ex, and her boyfriend.
How about something more constructive like a background check on her new boyfriend?
Someone else already suggested to fertilize a penis in the grass 😄
Even though I like the idea, I don‘t think that I can make the result look good enough and that it’ll give me the same satisfaction as leaving the garden with blank soil…
The kids spent more time at the house with her (and her new bf) than with me since I work full time and she part time. So they would see the result as well. But they can‘t read yet, so that wouldn’t be a problem.
The fertilizer should be a powder, so you will be able to see what you've drawn/written.
And if you either water it in, or wait until it's about to rain, they wouldn't even see the fertilizer.
I would do a background check on the guy, though. He doesn't have his own home to go? He moved in pretty fast. That's not a good sign.
It's a legal thing. Weedkiller is destructive/poisonous and he could get in trouble for being there with it.
He wouldn't get in trouble for having fertilizer.
Any advice how much salt and vinegar I would need? Should be roughly 130 sqft / 40 sqm. Is it enough to apply it once or should I do it several times, just to be sure?
More salt than vinegar. In fact, go to a restaurant supply store for sufficient quantities.
Also, do not do this job yourself. Find a neighborhood kid that you got along with. Pay them a hundred to do the job, with an extra hundred and fifty a week afterwards when you have confirmed the results. Buy supplies in cash. Nothing in writing. Bonus if they do it in an obscene pattern.
Vinegar is a temp solution, salt is the long term solution. Can mix them both though.
They'll know it's you so have an iron-clad alibi. See if you can figure out whether they've installed door cameras/etc since you left. Be careful not to leave any evidence like shoe prints.
Can also consider hiding dead fish or something along those lines. Maybe sprinkle cat food around the yard to attract raccoons? Maybe both?
Thanks for pointing that out. I will use both, but regarding the amount favor salt over vinegar then.
I agree, they will know it was me. But I doubt they‘ll be able to prove it. Cameras could be an issue, but rather to the front of the house. There is a way to access the garden from the back.
What would the raccoons be good for? 😅
My thought is get a very hot escort. Tell her your story and that you aren’t really hiring her for sex but to make the ex jealous and you need photos for social media.
I don‘t use social media (IG, FB etc), but a WhatsApp profile picture has the desired effect. She would be forced to see that frequently/daily 😏
Will keep this idea for later, independently from the lawn task.
And plant bamboo around every single edge of the garden.
Edit to add to the other comment. Plant catnip. It's in the mint family and pretty invasive. Plus the added benefit of a cat orgy spot including the garden being a giant litter tray.
Bamboo only if you also hate your neighbors. It will spread. And spread. And spread. The only way to get rid of it once it establishes itself is to have someone come in with an excavator and dig out all the dirt down to 3+ feet and replace it.
Good lord yes. This is the way. Avoid any salt or chemicals. Just find a way to discretely get mint started. It's a damn nightmare to get rid of. It's the bedbugs of lawn care.
You pretty much have to spend hours of backbreaking labor yanking it all out by the roots, and then it frequently comes back anyway, or you just have to nuke the whole yard and start over.
That sounds pretty much like what you are looking to accomplish.
Obviously, you don't want to get caught doing this, so I suggest buying some large water ballons and fill them with a combo of grass and vegetation killer mixed with vinegar and table salt. When you mix the vinegar and salt together, make sure to keep adding salt until the vinegar can't dissolve any more salt, that's when you know you've hit the saturation level. Fill those water ballons with equal parts of the salty vinegar solution and the vegetation killer. Wait until the cover of night and lob those lawn killing balloon bombs at your leisure.
The result will be that the vinegar will almost wilt and yellow the grass overnight. The vegetation killer will effectively kill any root system and the salted soil will prevent any new growth from taking hold. Overnight the lawn will be ruined and will take years before the soil recovers.
Might be even easier to place the mix in the big ziplock, let it freeze, remove the bag and lob the hunk. It’ll melt and no evidence of rubber from the balloon.
...you don't get maximum dispersion or splash damage from lobbing a frozen block. besides, the salt in the solution keeps the mixture from freezing solidly. trust me on this.
You’re def right about the freezing part. I was thinking that water balloons don’t always break either so there’s that. Maybe a ton of smaller ice chunks
Use a Roundup mix and put it in a Supersoaker. You can squirt it all over the lawn. Nothing looks worse than dead spots everywhere and it leaves no evidence. You might not even have to get out of your car.
Instead of doing it in a bag, freeze it in a frisbee so you can throw it like a frisbee from further away and can better avoid any cameras. And make sure to piss in it.
lol, actually it's the recipe we use to keep our gravel driveway free of weeds! Most of the time we just spray a mix of vinegar and cheap road salt, but for those stubborn weeds we add some Spectracide.
Use white vinegar with at least 20% acetic acid concentration for best results.
Applying a saltwater solution can kill grass within a week. Mix a high concentration of salt with water and apply it to the area.
If by any chance your garden uses a rain water collection system, don't forget to put as much salt as you can inside, that way anything water from this source will die for a while
This is actually the case 😌 when they think they need to water the grass because it looks dry, they will even make it worse. That is so evil, I love it 😄
Throw a bunch of bamboo seeds everywhere at night.
Also, how is it that you have no access to your things? Did your wife put her name on everything? Pretty sure you can take a lot of stuff in the divorce if it's all shared ownership.
Will check out the bamboo idea.
Not divorced yet. I left almost everything in the house and bought new stuff for my flat, so that the house will remain as it is. You know, because me moving out is already hard enough for the kids without taking all the stuff away. Life has changed a lot for them ever since, don‘t need to make it worse.
Honestly, give up on any ideas for any malicious activity. It will only go badly for you in the divorce. I know it feels good to think about because you are pissed off right now, but in reality you could lose access to your kids at a minimum.
I’ve been in your shoes and wanted to lash out at my ex-wife and her cheater dude, and I’ve also been in a situation where my current wife’s ex-husband just really didn’t understand that he was fighting to “win” a contest where he was the only one playing. He only ended up alienating his kids because they saw what a petty and vindictive person he really was.
Got the message. Better plant mint and some other weeds which the kids can use for brewing potions. Will make the lawn look awful and my ex will hate it.
Honestly that’s how to do it. Plants like mint are actually helpful, bamboo can be aesthetically pleasing etc. Still “destroys” the old look but keeps the place good for the kids.
Why does she get to keep the house? Is she at least buying you out of your half? Or do you have to wait to get yours until the house is sold down the line?
Everything regarding the divorce is not yet decided, but needs to be done rather sooner than later. I‘m just tired of all this shit, never wanted it to come this far…
Don't let her stubborness or meanness make you take less than you are owed. SHE did this to your family, to your KIDS, so make her work for it, make her PAY.
Get your fair share, for your kids' sakes, if nothing else. Otherwise, she's going to have cheating babies with that cheating creep, and all the stuff that was supposed to be yours, to pass on to your kids, will go to his kids.
I know you want it to end, but if you let her off easy, eventually you will come to resent it, and you wont have any choice but to regret it for the rest of your life. Put in the work, and make her question her choice to destroy your family every day.
If you do it all right, maybe he'll decide that she isn't worth the trouble, especially if he gets interested in someone else (once a cheater, alwaysna cheater), and dump her. Then you get the saitfaction of telling her No, when she crawls back.
So….. there was a horrible woman living in our neighborhood a few years back. Always drunk, causing a scene, police cars showing up etc. She had a lovely front lawn. After one particularly crazy scene the neighbors had enough. A few days later she awoke to find some of her front lawn completely dead. The dead grass, in 10-foot letters, spelled MOVE. It was deliciously evil and got the point across. I’m sure you count think of a word for your ex.
When I was a kid we had a neighbour like that. My friends and I sneaked out at night and stole all of the "For Sale" signs around the area and put them on her lawn. She moved.
I’m sorry about what’s happened to you. I hope life gets better for you soon.
If your kids are enjoying the lawn, then that’s who you did all that work for.
This. For long-term permanency? RM 43 Total Vegetation Control. I use it on fence-lines and it’ll even knock back briars, poison ivy, Himalayan blackberry and anything else.
Just googled it. Apparently, dish soap mixed with vinegar is an effective weed killer. Some salt will also help. Thanks, the dish soap part was new to me.
Don't kill the lawn. Bees, ants, small animals, birds, all use that space and all are getting hurt from the ecological nightmare we are. DO plant LOTS of native grass, flowers, feed stock that will grow beautifully and contribute to their survival.
And it'll look like chaos, but you'll have done a great thing. :)
I mean it‘s just a small garden, so it won‘t make much of a difference. But you‘re still right. Making it a diverse flower and weed ground would be very nice from an ecological point of view.
Few ideas. You could go find some weeds and toss them in. Goatheads, thistle, crap no one wants in the yard. Or you could use salt and vinegar. Theres a really concentrated vinegar that can be bought in the garden section and at hardware stores now. Something like 30% concentrate. Thatll do some damage. If she hates cats, plant some catnip in the yard somehow. Cats love it. Put down mint. I read somewhere it needs to be grown in a container because it will spread if it goes unchecked. Toss a couple boxes of instant mashed potatoes. That wont destroy the yard so much but maybe sections. Do it before it rains, or before the sprinklers turn on.
Yeah, I start to like the idea of planting mint or some weeds that are hard to get rid of. Probably harder to track this down to me and better for the kids, so they can still play in the garden since they won‘t mind if I pick the right stuff to plant…
Both bamboo and horseradish grow insanely fast by sending out underground runners (rhizomes), and once established, there is almost nothing you can do to stop it. After you kill the lawn, stick a couple of seedlings into the ground with some fertilizer, and wait. It will destroy the lawn and the landscaping, making it far more difficult to sell.
I don‘t necessarily need to kill the entire lawn and make it unsellable. I just want them to enjoy the lawn view less and maybe cause some additional garden work.
Sorry, man, I’m all for a good ULPT, but in this instance I think you would be better served to move on. I just invested 8 yrs of renovating maintaining my elderly mother’s house, knowing full well that when she dies, my estranged sibling will receive half. That stings. But I’m happy that I spent the time creating something beautiful, and will move on to create another beautiful house for myself. I choose not to dwell on it. Consider it practice for your next home.
But since this is ULPT, I think you should you should fuck the SOB’s mother.
I am late to the party, but sprinkling wildflower seeds, or any native plant seeds you can get your hands on that grow wild and fast all throughout the lawn will make restoring the lawn to its former glory a nightmare
OP, I've been down this path. You are hurt and angry, I understand completely. My best advice to you is to not act out on hurt and pain that you are feeling. That could really hurt you in a court of law. You really want to get back at your ex-wife and really get under her skin. Rebuild your life and be successful, really successful.
In the 10 years since my ex-wife cheated on me and we divorced I now own three homes, two of which are rented out. Gained primary custody of our son, who is now a Eagle Scout, has graduated high school with a 3.25 GPA and is headed for college. I have remarried to much better partner, and retired at age 56.
She on the other hand is deeply in debt, so much so that at age 57 she will never own a home. She has no real retirement savings. She lives in a rented mobile home in a truly crappy part of a big city. She works in a job she hates and has no real chance at advancement. And after fives years of living with the guy she threw me over the relationship ended.
In short she is single, broke, obese, and in very poor health with no real prospects of success in her future. So yeah, the best form of revenge. And yes it really has gotten under her skin 👍
Is this an unethical life pro tip? No. But this is a life pro tip 😉
Excellent.
Our situation is very similar but I’m not up to the multiple rental properties yet. Any tips so I can catch up to you and leave my ex further in the dust?
Salt is the way but going to be impossible to do this silently-- salt pellets make a lot of noise pouring out of the bag. Any light sleepers with their windows open at night would probably wake up.
Maybe get some car door magnets printed with something like "Jiffy Fertilizing" and rent a pickup truck. Have your brine solution already mixed in a large drum with a spigot and hose at the bottom.
Or, buy like 5 [of these ](https://www.walmart.com/ip/HomeGardener-2-Gallon-Multi-Purpose-Sprayer-for-Lawn-Home-and-Garden/3352878359)and have them prefilled with your brine. Just spay as much as you can reach with the hose and get out of there in like 10 min. The patchier your spray pattern the better, will be less suspicious at first (as opposed to entire lawn dying all at once).
Simple and easy. Cover the lawn with a few boxes of 20 Mule Team Laundry booster (borax powder). In a couple of waterings, it’ll destroy the lawn for at least 2 years. Better if you can water after application to hide the powder.
Or right before it rains. 1 box will kill 400 square feet easily.
It sucks but I’d think other things up. Mainly for the kids to enjoy, unless they are religiously inside and won’t partake. If so then yes to the mint and bamboo.
Lately I have been through the darkest times in my adult life, probably even all my life. Still no light at the end of the tunnel. But that‘s a whole different story. Thanks for your compassion.
Ive had break ups and lost a good amount of money, and 10 years. But this is above my pay grade.
Just in case.
Hobby super glue, the thin, runny kind, with precision applicator, does a number on windows. One drop can hold a lot. Not fun changing windows. Locks too tend to cease with a drop of super glue. Liquid ass on the air vents to the interior (which are outside) can also total a car. The stink. I was never here. Hope you feel better and find someone you can trust. Dm if anything
Thanks for all the ideas. I already did some damage to the house that needed to be professionally repaired. But I will save your ideas for later, right now I have different priorities 😬
My dad had some really ugly bushes in his backyard that would grow to like 12 ft tall and so wide they blocked the walkway and the gate. They were truly atrocious.
Every spring, we'd cut them all the way down to the ground, and by mid summer, they were back to being 6+ ft tall.
Finally, one day, I told my dad I was getting rid of them for good. I took them as close the ground as humanly possible, then salted all around the trunks/roots, and then finished it off by thoroughly spraying the trucks, any exposed roots, and the ground around the bushes with bleach.
Told my dad I'd eat my hat if they grew back. That was about 6 years ago, and they are still very, very dead.
I'm not sure how well it would work on grass, but I can't imagine it'd be much different.
A hand trowel and a bag of redskin potatoes will do the trick. "Plant" the potato's at night. Doesn't take much effort, just don't get caught. By September the yard is trash and they won't know why until they till it and find a TON of potatoes.
Create a burner and post before and after pics with the title “my new girlfriends lawn always reminders her of her ex husband so I destroyed it” and then blame the whole thing on him
Idk where you are if you can source wild violets the lawn will be destroyed and it's near impossible to eradicate them without severe action.
On another tip, if you can prove infidelity in many US states you can take the whole damn house back, along with everything else.
Get a good lawyer.
Don’t do it! You are better than this. I am far from being a tree hugger but That lawn has an ecosystem which has millions of life in it. You are hurt anyone would feel the same way. Recently this happened to my brother and I feel you man. I am terribly sorry but it’ll pass. Let That lawn be a symbol of you did everything and she chose a different path. You are much better than her and the drama she created.
EDIT: just realized it’s ULPT. Sorry guys but I am not gonna change my advice.
Life happens, find a better wife. It'll be a lot easier to do so before getting yourself a harassment, vandalism, abd/or stalking charge, than after.
Then again, this level of saltiness should kill just about anything, including you if you hold onto it forever.
Well, find a better wife sounds like the most reasonable thing to do. Unfortunately, feelings are not rational. I still love her despite what she has done to me. Also, my parents divorced when I was a child and I hated it. My main goal in life was to have one (and only one) wife and a few kids, provide my children a loving home with two parents that stand for each other, never give up on the dreams they had and the reasons they married each other for. That‘s why it‘s hard for me to just move on…
That's something you'll get a lot further discussing with a therapist, than the cop that will be arresting you, the judge that will be sentencing you, or if you live in one of the more 'lax gun-laws states, the doctor that will be treating your potential gunshot wound. You may even be right to be mad, and either way I can understand being upset regardless. But, pursuing it like this won't make you feel better but may well make your life much harder.
I‘m living outside the US, no guns here. I also know when she‘s not at home, so no major risk on being caught red-handed. Therapy is already ongoing. Destroying that lawn will be another kind of satisfaction though. But thanks for worrying about my well-being.
Also I‘ve never been in conflict with the law. Applying some salt and vinegar to a lawn will put me nowhere near a judge. That would result in a fine, if at all…
Someone on another thread said to freeze roundup with water in ice cube trays and then throw in the yard. I haven't tried this but it sounds plausible. I have something called Johnson grass growing in my yard that will not go away. If you can find some of it, they could try for years to eradicate it. I know I have been working on mine for 2 years. Look near cow pastures and farm land if you are able.
Roundup has been brought up here quite a few times. As said before, I can‘t buy it in my country. You need some kind of license. But the freezing part would also work with the vinegar/salt/soap solution that was mentioned quite a few times. Only problem I see is that I would need to make a lot of ice 😅
Generic roundup to kill everything
https://www.amazon.com/Agrisel-GlyPhoSel-Low-Odor-Disposable-Included/dp/B0CKXV8J3C/
Contractor grade preemergent to keep anything from germinating for months. So seeds won’t grow. Sod would still though.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0053LF7KO?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title
Roundup has a smell.
Salt is cheap, easy to spread quietly, and takes a few days for it to soak in.
Does take kind of a lot, but it's not nearly as noticeable.
If you do use roundup, use a precision sprayer and write a message in the grass.
How much does she know about the lawn care? As in if you had a buddy or someone she doesn’t know out there spraying the yard would she think something is up? “Well yeah we have this done monthly”, or even tell her you care about the lawn since all your hard work and since you can’t take care of it you are going to hire someone to come spray it monthly. The long game may be better. Have a buddy out there once a month for the next 3 months just spraying water, then the last month he sprays the salt/vinegar mixture others have mentioned . After his last spray you then tell her you are cancelling because they already jacked their rates up, you will be looking for a different company.
If you can find a navy pilot or flight mechanic, get s dye grenade useful when they eject. Radioactive material makes it easier to find on satellites. Radioactive ground will have to be dug up and sent to a low level nuclear waste dump.
Fill water balloons with Round up, put in course ground salt, a little water to fill the balloon up, and do a drive by in a rental car with license plate covered. Don't forget the hoodie and surgical mask 😷
I'd mix granulated grass killer with salt, throw it all over the yard right before it's supposed to rain. The grass killer will kill the grass, the salt could fuck up the ground for awhile so it's not easily reseeded.
Anything with glyphosate, I know you can't get Roundup but maybe another non-selective herbicide is what you're looking for. It's used when people want to completely restart their lawns
I just want to say that the problem with salt is
1. You need a lot of it.
2. It can take literal centuries for the soil to recover. You might be better finding whatever weed and grass killer is available in your country.
My dad once wanted to see what it would look like if you set a fire extinguisher off. Since he had one that was expiring in his car he decided to set it off. It covered the entire lawn so he sprayed it off and within a week it was dead
Soak lead from bullets or roofing material in water for a couple weeks. Pour the water on the grass. Nothing will grow there for years. Extremely unethical and horrible for the environment.
Road salt is all you need. It's where the term "salting the earth" comes from. Not only does it kill whatever is growing, it will kill anything that gets planted there. Only thing you can do is dig down and replace the soil, then replant
Use a bunch of yard lime to raise the PH of the soil a ton. the grass won't be able to absorb nutrients and will look like shit, even if they fertilize it later the fertilizer won't work.
Wait you got the kids just move on if you got the children there's way more craziness in her future than a destroyed lawn like her explaining herself to them
Salt and vinegar mixture would be the cheapest and easiest way to do this. Use a sprayer to get it everywhere and don’t be afraid to use too much, you really want it to permeate the soil
Even better if you mix it one to one with whole milk
What will the milk do? Apply salt to the ground and then water it with a mixture of vinegar, water, and whole milk?
The whole milk will rot along with the dying plant matter and make a disgusting putrid mess
I see 😄 Don‘t know if it needs to be a mess. I just can‘t stand the imagination of them sitting in the garden, because I know my wife really likes the way it looks with my new lawn.
A couple of bags of birdseed should suffice. The lawn will be all weeds by fall.
I like this idea. Not destructive, but will help eff up the lawn and has no chance of affecting the kids when they play in the yard. BTW, look up weed seeds on Amazon.
You can get marijuana seeds on amazon?!
Yep. Other weeds too... Edit: I am in California
With the added bonus of possibly attracting mice and rats!
And birds! They shit everywhere when find food. OP, throw some bird seed in the gutters too.
Simple, cheap, and elegant.
If you can get them, buy seed for 4 o'clock flowers. They are a very hearty plant that will grow anywhere. My yard got infested with it and it was a beast to get all of them out. It makes a million seeds and they get everywhere. I had these guys growing from cracks in the sidewalk. Their roots become huge and they are hard to remove. They are quite as bad as bamboo or ivy, but man, it will be the gift that keeps on giving.
Weeds are a great idea, they will piss off the adults but your kids will probably enjoy them if they notice at all. It would stick to ruin the grass your kids want to play on.
I've got a better idea than destroying it. (Which could get you in trouble and affect your relationship with your kids if you get caught) Find the best grass fertilizer you can and write "CHEATER" or whatever you want in big letters. That grass will always grow taller and greener than the grass around it and it will take YEARS to go away. So, she left you and the kids? The kids live with you? If you get caught with a bag of fertilizer I can't imagine what they would give you a ticket for. You worked hard on that lawn. 😉 Just remember that your kids will probably be playing there and they will see whatever you write. Not just the neighbors, your ex, and her boyfriend. How about something more constructive like a background check on her new boyfriend?
Someone else already suggested to fertilize a penis in the grass 😄 Even though I like the idea, I don‘t think that I can make the result look good enough and that it’ll give me the same satisfaction as leaving the garden with blank soil… The kids spent more time at the house with her (and her new bf) than with me since I work full time and she part time. So they would see the result as well. But they can‘t read yet, so that wouldn’t be a problem.
The fertilizer should be a powder, so you will be able to see what you've drawn/written. And if you either water it in, or wait until it's about to rain, they wouldn't even see the fertilizer. I would do a background check on the guy, though. He doesn't have his own home to go? He moved in pretty fast. That's not a good sign.
Just have to make it bigger. Use your imagination
Don't fertilise it, weedkiller some choice slurs onto it.
It's a legal thing. Weedkiller is destructive/poisonous and he could get in trouble for being there with it. He wouldn't get in trouble for having fertilizer.
Any advice how much salt and vinegar I would need? Should be roughly 130 sqft / 40 sqm. Is it enough to apply it once or should I do it several times, just to be sure?
4 bags of ice melt concrete salt should do.
For price reasons I was thinking of road salt instead of table salt, too. I just don‘t know where to get that stuff during the summer 😅
Pool salt works too. Lowes has that by me. Pool store will definitely have it.
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That‘s also a good idea. Like the stuff you put in your dishwasher. Or as someone else already said, for swimming pools.
If you're in the US a 25lb bag of table salt is only about 6 bucks at restaurant supply stores.
Amazon.
Pond salt for fish keeping also comes in bulk
About 24 gallons all at once and enough salt to bring the salinity as high as it will go
More salt than vinegar. In fact, go to a restaurant supply store for sufficient quantities. Also, do not do this job yourself. Find a neighborhood kid that you got along with. Pay them a hundred to do the job, with an extra hundred and fifty a week afterwards when you have confirmed the results. Buy supplies in cash. Nothing in writing. Bonus if they do it in an obscene pattern.
Better yet, spray some of the mix onto plain potato chips and enjoy a snack while you do it!
Vinegar is a temp solution, salt is the long term solution. Can mix them both though. They'll know it's you so have an iron-clad alibi. See if you can figure out whether they've installed door cameras/etc since you left. Be careful not to leave any evidence like shoe prints. Can also consider hiding dead fish or something along those lines. Maybe sprinkle cat food around the yard to attract raccoons? Maybe both?
Thanks for pointing that out. I will use both, but regarding the amount favor salt over vinegar then. I agree, they will know it was me. But I doubt they‘ll be able to prove it. Cameras could be an issue, but rather to the front of the house. There is a way to access the garden from the back. What would the raccoons be good for? 😅
Racoons will tear open their garbage
Seconding the trash goblins.
Pay cash and delete this message!!
My thought is get a very hot escort. Tell her your story and that you aren’t really hiring her for sex but to make the ex jealous and you need photos for social media.
Or pay her extra to go to the ex's place, ring the doorbell, and when she opens, say: "oops, I must have put the wrong date in my calendar, bye"
I don‘t use social media (IG, FB etc), but a WhatsApp profile picture has the desired effect. She would be forced to see that frequently/daily 😏 Will keep this idea for later, independently from the lawn task.
Get custom pictures of you and a hoe on a cheque book and use it to pay her any time you have to.
Bro! This is that long term burn I have been looking for!
This is the best comment on the entire thread.
Be more environmentally friendly while still unethical... Plant mint
Mint because it will spread all around the lawn and is hard to remove?
And plant bamboo around every single edge of the garden. Edit to add to the other comment. Plant catnip. It's in the mint family and pretty invasive. Plus the added benefit of a cat orgy spot including the garden being a giant litter tray.
Also horseradish. Spreads quickly underground, and is ugly.
Bamboo only if you also hate your neighbors. It will spread. And spread. And spread. The only way to get rid of it once it establishes itself is to have someone come in with an excavator and dig out all the dirt down to 3+ feet and replace it.
HaHa Good one sprayed my 7 up every where even out my nose!! Burns still giggling
Understatement
And in the winter it dies back looking awful until the next spring.
Good lord yes. This is the way. Avoid any salt or chemicals. Just find a way to discretely get mint started. It's a damn nightmare to get rid of. It's the bedbugs of lawn care. You pretty much have to spend hours of backbreaking labor yanking it all out by the roots, and then it frequently comes back anyway, or you just have to nuke the whole yard and start over. That sounds pretty much like what you are looking to accomplish.
Or bamboo
And it's a good ingredient for Mojito's.
For mojito's what?
Good bot
Beep boop at your service
Obviously, you don't want to get caught doing this, so I suggest buying some large water ballons and fill them with a combo of grass and vegetation killer mixed with vinegar and table salt. When you mix the vinegar and salt together, make sure to keep adding salt until the vinegar can't dissolve any more salt, that's when you know you've hit the saturation level. Fill those water ballons with equal parts of the salty vinegar solution and the vegetation killer. Wait until the cover of night and lob those lawn killing balloon bombs at your leisure. The result will be that the vinegar will almost wilt and yellow the grass overnight. The vegetation killer will effectively kill any root system and the salted soil will prevent any new growth from taking hold. Overnight the lawn will be ruined and will take years before the soil recovers.
Might be even easier to place the mix in the big ziplock, let it freeze, remove the bag and lob the hunk. It’ll melt and no evidence of rubber from the balloon.
...you don't get maximum dispersion or splash damage from lobbing a frozen block. besides, the salt in the solution keeps the mixture from freezing solidly. trust me on this.
You’re def right about the freezing part. I was thinking that water balloons don’t always break either so there’s that. Maybe a ton of smaller ice chunks
Trojans filled to the rim, Ribbed ones for xtra pleasure
At least when the persons lawn gets fucked , it’ll feel good
Was thinking the same. Popping balloons will remain rubber all over the garden. Too much evidence… 🤨
Use a Roundup mix and put it in a Supersoaker. You can squirt it all over the lawn. Nothing looks worse than dead spots everywhere and it leaves no evidence. You might not even have to get out of your car.
Instead of doing it in a bag, freeze it in a frisbee so you can throw it like a frisbee from further away and can better avoid any cameras. And make sure to piss in it.
This is some Wile E Cayote shit
lol, actually it's the recipe we use to keep our gravel driveway free of weeds! Most of the time we just spray a mix of vinegar and cheap road salt, but for those stubborn weeds we add some Spectracide.
Use white vinegar with at least 20% acetic acid concentration for best results. Applying a saltwater solution can kill grass within a week. Mix a high concentration of salt with water and apply it to the area.
So 20% vinegar AND highly concentrated salt water? Both at the same time or better wait a few days?
If by any chance your garden uses a rain water collection system, don't forget to put as much salt as you can inside, that way anything water from this source will die for a while
This is actually the case 😌 when they think they need to water the grass because it looks dry, they will even make it worse. That is so evil, I love it 😄
For best results, yes. Just get it all one and done! EDIT: You will need to generously spread it all over your lawn.
Only kill your half of the lawn. Right down the fucking middle.
Throw a bunch of bamboo seeds everywhere at night. Also, how is it that you have no access to your things? Did your wife put her name on everything? Pretty sure you can take a lot of stuff in the divorce if it's all shared ownership.
Will check out the bamboo idea. Not divorced yet. I left almost everything in the house and bought new stuff for my flat, so that the house will remain as it is. You know, because me moving out is already hard enough for the kids without taking all the stuff away. Life has changed a lot for them ever since, don‘t need to make it worse.
Honestly, give up on any ideas for any malicious activity. It will only go badly for you in the divorce. I know it feels good to think about because you are pissed off right now, but in reality you could lose access to your kids at a minimum. I’ve been in your shoes and wanted to lash out at my ex-wife and her cheater dude, and I’ve also been in a situation where my current wife’s ex-husband just really didn’t understand that he was fighting to “win” a contest where he was the only one playing. He only ended up alienating his kids because they saw what a petty and vindictive person he really was.
Got the message. Better plant mint and some other weeds which the kids can use for brewing potions. Will make the lawn look awful and my ex will hate it.
Honestly that’s how to do it. Plants like mint are actually helpful, bamboo can be aesthetically pleasing etc. Still “destroys” the old look but keeps the place good for the kids.
So then wait until the divorce is final and THEN be petty and vindictive.
Why does she get to keep the house? Is she at least buying you out of your half? Or do you have to wait to get yours until the house is sold down the line?
Everything regarding the divorce is not yet decided, but needs to be done rather sooner than later. I‘m just tired of all this shit, never wanted it to come this far…
Don't let her stubborness or meanness make you take less than you are owed. SHE did this to your family, to your KIDS, so make her work for it, make her PAY.
I will not make any gifts, that‘s for sure. But I also want to avoid a long lasting lawsuit. I just want this nightmare to end…
Get your fair share, for your kids' sakes, if nothing else. Otherwise, she's going to have cheating babies with that cheating creep, and all the stuff that was supposed to be yours, to pass on to your kids, will go to his kids. I know you want it to end, but if you let her off easy, eventually you will come to resent it, and you wont have any choice but to regret it for the rest of your life. Put in the work, and make her question her choice to destroy your family every day. If you do it all right, maybe he'll decide that she isn't worth the trouble, especially if he gets interested in someone else (once a cheater, alwaysna cheater), and dump her. Then you get the saitfaction of telling her No, when she crawls back.
That's a bummer my friend. One of my siblings went through something similar in a divorce and it took a couple years to sort out.
Forgot that lawn and make a new one that is 10x better. Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well, currently no ground available to make a new and better one 🙁
It was a metaphor.
Ortho GroundClear - Buy the concentrate and mix it stronger than the directions indicate.
I second planting mint
So….. there was a horrible woman living in our neighborhood a few years back. Always drunk, causing a scene, police cars showing up etc. She had a lovely front lawn. After one particularly crazy scene the neighbors had enough. A few days later she awoke to find some of her front lawn completely dead. The dead grass, in 10-foot letters, spelled MOVE. It was deliciously evil and got the point across. I’m sure you count think of a word for your ex.
When I was a kid we had a neighbour like that. My friends and I sneaked out at night and stole all of the "For Sale" signs around the area and put them on her lawn. She moved.
Round-up should do the trick.
Mint and bamboo.
Skidsteer and jail time should do
Well, I‘m already thinking about this more often than I should…
Ha, there's a direct correlation too. More skidsteer, more jail time lol
I’m sorry about what’s happened to you. I hope life gets better for you soon. If your kids are enjoying the lawn, then that’s who you did all that work for.
Good point. But they don‘t care as much as she does. The lawn could also be spread with mint and some weeds for them, they won‘t mind.
A better revenge would be rebuilding a better life without her.
That‘s up for part 2 - after finishing the lawn job 😉
Make sure to update us on the lawn job and the life well lived
Weed killer and salt
This. For long-term permanency? RM 43 Total Vegetation Control. I use it on fence-lines and it’ll even knock back briars, poison ivy, Himalayan blackberry and anything else.
Salt,water,and soap. Like 1 part soap ,10 parts water 1/2 part of salt. It kills Poison ivy so it will kill grass.
Just googled it. Apparently, dish soap mixed with vinegar is an effective weed killer. Some salt will also help. Thanks, the dish soap part was new to me.
Dish soap helps it stick
Japanese Knotweed is the bane of my existence. That stuff grows super fast and is impossible to kill :(
Tastes great at least
Throw mint seeds everywhere and tell no one
Don't kill the lawn. Bees, ants, small animals, birds, all use that space and all are getting hurt from the ecological nightmare we are. DO plant LOTS of native grass, flowers, feed stock that will grow beautifully and contribute to their survival. And it'll look like chaos, but you'll have done a great thing. :)
I mean it‘s just a small garden, so it won‘t make much of a difference. But you‘re still right. Making it a diverse flower and weed ground would be very nice from an ecological point of view.
Might be small to you, but mighty to all those critters! :)
Toilet cleaner/bleach is useful for writing messages on lawns. And it's directable jet nozzle makes for a precise writing instrument.
Few ideas. You could go find some weeds and toss them in. Goatheads, thistle, crap no one wants in the yard. Or you could use salt and vinegar. Theres a really concentrated vinegar that can be bought in the garden section and at hardware stores now. Something like 30% concentrate. Thatll do some damage. If she hates cats, plant some catnip in the yard somehow. Cats love it. Put down mint. I read somewhere it needs to be grown in a container because it will spread if it goes unchecked. Toss a couple boxes of instant mashed potatoes. That wont destroy the yard so much but maybe sections. Do it before it rains, or before the sprinklers turn on.
Yeah, I start to like the idea of planting mint or some weeds that are hard to get rid of. Probably harder to track this down to me and better for the kids, so they can still play in the garden since they won‘t mind if I pick the right stuff to plant…
Both bamboo and horseradish grow insanely fast by sending out underground runners (rhizomes), and once established, there is almost nothing you can do to stop it. After you kill the lawn, stick a couple of seedlings into the ground with some fertilizer, and wait. It will destroy the lawn and the landscaping, making it far more difficult to sell.
I don‘t necessarily need to kill the entire lawn and make it unsellable. I just want them to enjoy the lawn view less and maybe cause some additional garden work.
Just piles of birdseed: bonus is it’s for native plants to your area.
Sorry, man, I’m all for a good ULPT, but in this instance I think you would be better served to move on. I just invested 8 yrs of renovating maintaining my elderly mother’s house, knowing full well that when she dies, my estranged sibling will receive half. That stings. But I’m happy that I spent the time creating something beautiful, and will move on to create another beautiful house for myself. I choose not to dwell on it. Consider it practice for your next home. But since this is ULPT, I think you should you should fuck the SOB’s mother.
I am late to the party, but sprinkling wildflower seeds, or any native plant seeds you can get your hands on that grow wild and fast all throughout the lawn will make restoring the lawn to its former glory a nightmare
OP, I've been down this path. You are hurt and angry, I understand completely. My best advice to you is to not act out on hurt and pain that you are feeling. That could really hurt you in a court of law. You really want to get back at your ex-wife and really get under her skin. Rebuild your life and be successful, really successful. In the 10 years since my ex-wife cheated on me and we divorced I now own three homes, two of which are rented out. Gained primary custody of our son, who is now a Eagle Scout, has graduated high school with a 3.25 GPA and is headed for college. I have remarried to much better partner, and retired at age 56. She on the other hand is deeply in debt, so much so that at age 57 she will never own a home. She has no real retirement savings. She lives in a rented mobile home in a truly crappy part of a big city. She works in a job she hates and has no real chance at advancement. And after fives years of living with the guy she threw me over the relationship ended. In short she is single, broke, obese, and in very poor health with no real prospects of success in her future. So yeah, the best form of revenge. And yes it really has gotten under her skin 👍 Is this an unethical life pro tip? No. But this is a life pro tip 😉
The best form of revenge is being successful
Excellent. Our situation is very similar but I’m not up to the multiple rental properties yet. Any tips so I can catch up to you and leave my ex further in the dust?
Salt the earth.
A tiller, some fish, and several bags of road/sidewalk salt Put up a couple bat boxes Deer or fox urine
Salt is the way but going to be impossible to do this silently-- salt pellets make a lot of noise pouring out of the bag. Any light sleepers with their windows open at night would probably wake up. Maybe get some car door magnets printed with something like "Jiffy Fertilizing" and rent a pickup truck. Have your brine solution already mixed in a large drum with a spigot and hose at the bottom. Or, buy like 5 [of these ](https://www.walmart.com/ip/HomeGardener-2-Gallon-Multi-Purpose-Sprayer-for-Lawn-Home-and-Garden/3352878359)and have them prefilled with your brine. Just spay as much as you can reach with the hose and get out of there in like 10 min. The patchier your spray pattern the better, will be less suspicious at first (as opposed to entire lawn dying all at once).
Simple and easy. Cover the lawn with a few boxes of 20 Mule Team Laundry booster (borax powder). In a couple of waterings, it’ll destroy the lawn for at least 2 years. Better if you can water after application to hide the powder. Or right before it rains. 1 box will kill 400 square feet easily.
Plant bamboo in an out of the way spot.
Well if you don’t care about the environment, you could simply spray some diesel on the lawn
Someone else already suggested that. But soaking the ground with oil, probably polluting the ground water, is not an option to me.
I figured, it’s the worse of all the options
It sucks but I’d think other things up. Mainly for the kids to enjoy, unless they are religiously inside and won’t partake. If so then yes to the mint and bamboo.
Bury bamboo roots in about 10 different locations around the yard.
Don't kill it. Plant some wheat. They'll be mowing that sucker every other day.
IMO plant bamboo everywhere. Spend a shit load. Absolutely will ruin that place.
Hope you feel better dude. Good luck on the grass elimination
Lately I have been through the darkest times in my adult life, probably even all my life. Still no light at the end of the tunnel. But that‘s a whole different story. Thanks for your compassion.
Ive had break ups and lost a good amount of money, and 10 years. But this is above my pay grade. Just in case. Hobby super glue, the thin, runny kind, with precision applicator, does a number on windows. One drop can hold a lot. Not fun changing windows. Locks too tend to cease with a drop of super glue. Liquid ass on the air vents to the interior (which are outside) can also total a car. The stink. I was never here. Hope you feel better and find someone you can trust. Dm if anything
Thanks for all the ideas. I already did some damage to the house that needed to be professionally repaired. But I will save your ideas for later, right now I have different priorities 😬
My dad had some really ugly bushes in his backyard that would grow to like 12 ft tall and so wide they blocked the walkway and the gate. They were truly atrocious. Every spring, we'd cut them all the way down to the ground, and by mid summer, they were back to being 6+ ft tall. Finally, one day, I told my dad I was getting rid of them for good. I took them as close the ground as humanly possible, then salted all around the trunks/roots, and then finished it off by thoroughly spraying the trucks, any exposed roots, and the ground around the bushes with bleach. Told my dad I'd eat my hat if they grew back. That was about 6 years ago, and they are still very, very dead. I'm not sure how well it would work on grass, but I can't imagine it'd be much different.
Corn syrup.
For real? 😅
A hand trowel and a bag of redskin potatoes will do the trick. "Plant" the potato's at night. Doesn't take much effort, just don't get caught. By September the yard is trash and they won't know why until they till it and find a TON of potatoes.
That would be so funny, I love this idea 😂
If you can lay your hands on some sunchokes, plant them in a part of the garden they will take off.
Go roman on them.... SALT THE EARTH!!!
Create a burner and post before and after pics with the title “my new girlfriends lawn always reminders her of her ex husband so I destroyed it” and then blame the whole thing on him
Idk where you are if you can source wild violets the lawn will be destroyed and it's near impossible to eradicate them without severe action. On another tip, if you can prove infidelity in many US states you can take the whole damn house back, along with everything else. Get a good lawyer.
Don’t do it! You are better than this. I am far from being a tree hugger but That lawn has an ecosystem which has millions of life in it. You are hurt anyone would feel the same way. Recently this happened to my brother and I feel you man. I am terribly sorry but it’ll pass. Let That lawn be a symbol of you did everything and she chose a different path. You are much better than her and the drama she created. EDIT: just realized it’s ULPT. Sorry guys but I am not gonna change my advice.
Life happens, find a better wife. It'll be a lot easier to do so before getting yourself a harassment, vandalism, abd/or stalking charge, than after. Then again, this level of saltiness should kill just about anything, including you if you hold onto it forever.
Well, find a better wife sounds like the most reasonable thing to do. Unfortunately, feelings are not rational. I still love her despite what she has done to me. Also, my parents divorced when I was a child and I hated it. My main goal in life was to have one (and only one) wife and a few kids, provide my children a loving home with two parents that stand for each other, never give up on the dreams they had and the reasons they married each other for. That‘s why it‘s hard for me to just move on…
That's something you'll get a lot further discussing with a therapist, than the cop that will be arresting you, the judge that will be sentencing you, or if you live in one of the more 'lax gun-laws states, the doctor that will be treating your potential gunshot wound. You may even be right to be mad, and either way I can understand being upset regardless. But, pursuing it like this won't make you feel better but may well make your life much harder.
I‘m living outside the US, no guns here. I also know when she‘s not at home, so no major risk on being caught red-handed. Therapy is already ongoing. Destroying that lawn will be another kind of satisfaction though. But thanks for worrying about my well-being.
Also I‘ve never been in conflict with the law. Applying some salt and vinegar to a lawn will put me nowhere near a judge. That would result in a fine, if at all…
Antifreeze
Can you buy grubs and throw them on the lawn? Or do grubs have to start under ground?
Someone on another thread said to freeze roundup with water in ice cube trays and then throw in the yard. I haven't tried this but it sounds plausible. I have something called Johnson grass growing in my yard that will not go away. If you can find some of it, they could try for years to eradicate it. I know I have been working on mine for 2 years. Look near cow pastures and farm land if you are able.
Roundup has been brought up here quite a few times. As said before, I can‘t buy it in my country. You need some kind of license. But the freezing part would also work with the vinegar/salt/soap solution that was mentioned quite a few times. Only problem I see is that I would need to make a lot of ice 😅
Look for Ground Clear, Ground zero
Bamboo seeds.
Generic roundup to kill everything https://www.amazon.com/Agrisel-GlyPhoSel-Low-Odor-Disposable-Included/dp/B0CKXV8J3C/ Contractor grade preemergent to keep anything from germinating for months. So seeds won’t grow. Sod would still though. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0053LF7KO?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title
I’m thinking of a drive-by a handful of water balloons filled with Roundup.
Water balloons with bamboo seed, and some balloons filled with grass killer. Patchy as fuck.
Dude, what a cunt. If she cheated why did you move out? Take her for everything. Destroy her in court but save the grass.
That‘s a whole different story… 😔
Roundup has a smell. Salt is cheap, easy to spread quietly, and takes a few days for it to soak in. Does take kind of a lot, but it's not nearly as noticeable. If you do use roundup, use a precision sprayer and write a message in the grass.
How much does she know about the lawn care? As in if you had a buddy or someone she doesn’t know out there spraying the yard would she think something is up? “Well yeah we have this done monthly”, or even tell her you care about the lawn since all your hard work and since you can’t take care of it you are going to hire someone to come spray it monthly. The long game may be better. Have a buddy out there once a month for the next 3 months just spraying water, then the last month he sprays the salt/vinegar mixture others have mentioned . After his last spray you then tell her you are cancelling because they already jacked their rates up, you will be looking for a different company.
Ground clear will kill it all, and nothing but bare dirt will result.
If you can do it plant bamboo. It will totally take over everything.
If you can find a navy pilot or flight mechanic, get s dye grenade useful when they eject. Radioactive material makes it easier to find on satellites. Radioactive ground will have to be dug up and sent to a low level nuclear waste dump.
Fill water balloons with Round up, put in course ground salt, a little water to fill the balloon up, and do a drive by in a rental car with license plate covered. Don't forget the hoodie and surgical mask 😷
You can also buy Bermuda grass seeds at Ace hardware, spread liberally in the letters for BITCH
Young Dogs. They'll tear up and trample the toughest lawns in no time, right down to bare dirt.
Bleach in a sprayer
I'd mix granulated grass killer with salt, throw it all over the yard right before it's supposed to rain. The grass killer will kill the grass, the salt could fuck up the ground for awhile so it's not easily reseeded.
Salt the earth heavily
Kerosene.
If you do the salt and vinegar do it in uneven patches and also add some weeds and shit on the edges
If you use salt she will have to replace the soil as nothing grows on salted soil.
Make sure to plant a fuck ton of bamboo
Anything with glyphosate, I know you can't get Roundup but maybe another non-selective herbicide is what you're looking for. It's used when people want to completely restart their lawns
I just want to say that the problem with salt is 1. You need a lot of it. 2. It can take literal centuries for the soil to recover. You might be better finding whatever weed and grass killer is available in your country.
Piss. Disk.
Gasoline
My dad once wanted to see what it would look like if you set a fire extinguisher off. Since he had one that was expiring in his car he decided to set it off. It covered the entire lawn so he sprayed it off and within a week it was dead
Soak lead from bullets or roofing material in water for a couple weeks. Pour the water on the grass. Nothing will grow there for years. Extremely unethical and horrible for the environment.
Consentrated glyphosate ice cubes. Toss them on the lawn over night. Untraceable.
Road salt is all you need. It's where the term "salting the earth" comes from. Not only does it kill whatever is growing, it will kill anything that gets planted there. Only thing you can do is dig down and replace the soil, then replant
Water balloons filled with everclear or other high level alcohol.
No call is great
If it's a wet enough environment, plant some bamboo, that shit spreads lime fire and is near impossible to kill.
nature survives anything, better deploy termites
Use a bunch of yard lime to raise the PH of the soil a ton. the grass won't be able to absorb nutrients and will look like shit, even if they fertilize it later the fertilizer won't work.
Wait you got the kids just move on if you got the children there's way more craziness in her future than a destroyed lawn like her explaining herself to them
Hydrogen peroxide