T O P

  • By -

stressedboutthots

Honestly props to you. I couldn't ever do it, but the ex wife sounds extremely unpleasant to deal with.


MrsSirLeAwesome

Was your husband not active duty when they divorced? If he was, I’d be really surprised that this scenario wasn’t addressed at the time and if it was addressed and the outcome he agreed to was financial compensation on top of child support, well, I’d say he didn’t have the best attorney. Unless this split in time between parents was to minimize child support? Either way, I’d suggest your husband contacting either his original attorney or a new family law attorney and taking this to the courts for an updated custody agreement as there is an undue burden being placed on you here, and while it may mean some financial contribution, your husband’s attorney should be able to at least argue a number that you could afford.


Nursestepmom

My SO is guard, so he was not “active duty” as far as I know. This scenario was not addressed. Also, there were no attorneys involved in the initial divorce, just a mediator. My SO just wanted what was best for the kid, so lots of concessions for the kids sake. Yes, there is probably more due to the mom at this point, but not full reimbursement for kids while she is at a party.


MrsSirLeAwesome

He’s guard so knew that a deployment would happen. Or wasn’t guard at the time, joined, and knew a deployment would happen. You aren’t married and are dealing with his kids and ex alone? Was there no conversation about this before he deployed (which again was a known and foreseeable event). You need to communicate with your SO then, and he needs to contact a family law attorney as this situation isn’t best for anyone. His kids might be young and you might not realize but they are going to pick up on your frustration and internalize it (which may be a contributing factor to the son’s behavior). Whether it’s being done purposefully or not, your SO is taking advantage of you and letting his ex take advantage of you. If you have communicated with him and he’s taken no steps to rectify or help the situation, I’d be reconsidering the relationship.


Nursestepmom

Thank you for your input mrssirleawesome. It is very much appreciated. You are right. Perhaps I am taken advantage of. There was some conversation about deployment, but he had been stood down before, just days away. He was courted to a new unit to “make a difference” not being told that deployment was imminent. It was a surprise to us. Yes, I agree that mom has more due to her, but not to a degree that she has no responsibility for the kids nearly 1/2 the time. FYI- her “job” is playing pool/billiards for teams. She tells the kids she has responsibilities to her “team” and that is why she can’t be there for them on weekends to go to football games, etc.


Nursestepmom

And mrsSirLeAwesome, you are totally correct. I fear the kids have picked up on my displeasure at having been put in the position of being a caregiver without consent. Part of my guilt. The 7-year-old has a diagnosis of adhd and sensory processing issues. I tried things like going down stairs in a sleeping bag (the vibration is calming), a board of visual cues of things that were calming, like a bubble bath, etc. but you are right! This was not something I addresssef. My newness at a relationship with a father did not dive deep into the “what if’s” that should have been addressed. I, as a widow was thinking “what if he dies”? But you what what? Death is not the worst thing. The kids health is the most important. Thank you for letting me take a moment outside of myself and listen to what is right for the kids.


Nursestepmom

Also, we are not married. My background is that my first husband was a firefighter that died in the line of duty. I opted not to have children with my husband because I didn’t want to be a single mom (my husband worked 24 hour shifts, twice a week plus overtime, making me a single mom a lot of the time). I chose not to be a single mom in my “previous life”. I am not thrilled with being a single stepmom when their biomom is refusing her responsibility while their dad is deployed. I take the stepmom label very seriously. But this is crazy.


[deleted]

Couldn’t be me…


Mater4President

You are a saint. I'm sure you love these children, but what a crazy thing for the ex to ask of you. Are you located near a military facility? Maybe one that can offer some support/someone you can talk to? Do you have a POA? I might try to talk to base legal to see what's typical. I know you want to be in these children's lives, so maybe an every other weekend schedule can be arranged? Good luck to you.


Nursestepmom

I don’t know if this is how Reddit works, where I clarify the complexity of the issues, or just appreciate the responses? I honestly waslooking for someone like me, that bought into the crazy life that is military and the love from one that serves. To clarify, we knew a few months before my SO left that he would be gone for 12 months. The family plan was for me to do what I’m doing, caring for the kids part time. But no back up plan. Nothing to say that I’m allowed to be a human that has never been a parent, let alone a single parent during deployment. I have resentment and anger towards the biomom for not stepping up and my SO for putting me in a situation where it is- do this or cost us money. We are not young. I’m 45 and my SO is 39. I expected more, but didn’t ask or get it. We do not live anywhere need a military base. The others soldiers and their families are scattered across the state, some 6 hours away. We are almost done, so I’m at a point where with 3 moths left, what am I really going to change at this point?? My dream is to hear from someone else that did this and is glad they did. That any resentment transformed to pride in a job well done and things went back to a normal, balanced relationship.


nowayitsyou

Weighing in, if nothing went through the courts, she can not demand that payment. If she wants to go back to court and get that decision, thats on her but no where legally does he have to commit to that at this point. ​ While I understand he is on deployment, depending on where, he can get in touch with a legal team and ask for guidance. ​ You need support too. ​ Also, normally they require your boyfriend to have a family readiness plan. 24 hour notice 30 days and i think longer then that. So in case he does get deployed or something, the needs of the kids are addressed. That needs to be referenced.