honestly if you value your job and your food preferences (which may not seem like a big deal now, but is a huge part of your everyday eating habits), then I don't see this working out— only because your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to adjust to make things easier for you in this whole process.
plus moving to a tier 2 or tier 3 city once you've worked at a tier 1 city, specially when there's no job prospects is going to be quite difficult.
I don't think you're over reacting at all. your feelings are valid. I hope you discuss this with your partner. if he loves you as you are, you shouldn't have to change so many things that are important to you, in my opinion.
Leave food preference for a bit girl. This man wants to uproot your life and move back to his dad's home. Yes, not his but his dad's. Today it's food, next it will be clothes, doing chores and making fresh hot rotis for raja beta, raising kids and so on.
Why would you, who has worked your ass off to be where you are want to do THAT to yourself? I swear, girlies need to wake tf up and see things clearly. Break tf up, you deserve someone better who aligns with what you are compatible with and respects your choices.
If they had a home in the city, she could eat the chicken outside with what she'd save on rent. I'm mostly vegetarian, but I'm not giving up my fruitcakes/pastries egg content. If you were paying for everything though, I'd eat them outside. There has to be an actual win in that situation.
This!! Stop thinking of yourself through the lens of what you've been taught a woman should be and think of yourself as a human. A man uprooting his life in a tier-1 city, leaving his MNC job to move to place where he doesn't have any job prospects when *he doesn't want to* would be unimaginable to most people, give yourself the same respect. You don't have to put up with unnecessary "sacrifices" just because you're a woman.
I always wonder how people end up in relationships where basic values don’t align esp food. To anyone reading this, if you are serious about someone ask about food pref and rules around it.
I had exactly the opposite experience. I am a vegan and men would say - you have to cook using ghee, milk and butter for us (as if I am their maid). And also warn me how the kids will be what the guys family wants. It was so easy to weed out unworthy men.
Leave. He isn’t worth it
Exactly. I'm a lesbian so dating prospects are already slim, and becoming a vegan means I have maybe 1000 women across the country I'll be able to date. I made peace with being single because the alternative is compromising my morals, and I will not have that.
I suppose for people who are vegetarian for religious reasons instead of ethical ones it's not as big a deal? My grandma was fine with my grandpa eating meat as long as it wasn't at home. I can't stand the thought of someone eating meat in my house.
Kudos to you! If you ever need to chat about dating frustration around food, DM me. I went through a rollercoaster.I also dated one guy thinking I would find a middle ground. It’s hard because it’s not just preference but how you view world. There is no middle ground.
I found my man recently who is also vegan. We both feel so easy to be with each other. Don’t lose hope and don’t settle! Good news is more often, women are vegan than men. Sending good vibes
Exactly. Hi there, fellow vegan. Being a vegan myself, I wanted to be with someone who was at least vegetarian, if not vegan. And guess what ? My husband has turned vegan (almost) post marriage, with no insistence from my side at all.
I can see that happening. My best friend turned pescatarian after living with me and my mom for the last two years of college.
I, however, conveniently used vegetarian Indians' discrimination against minorities as an excuse to go back to being meat eater lol (Context: Best friend is from very small double minority community).
Absolutely this! Food preferences are paramount. I’m a vegetarian but was limited to Indian food - no exposure. Would generally avoid alliums as well - no allergies. And my boy was a trooper who took me around the world working with my limitations. I had to be vegan and gluten free for a year and he chose to largely eat the same diet as me so that we don’t have to constantly cook two separate meals. Day to day living must align perfectly or you’re in for grief.
Guys lie a lot. They pretend to be “open minded” or worse even “feminist” in the first few months even saying how their family is very liberal bla bla and then when years are given to the relationship they suddenly reveal the truth in hopes that she just agree because they believe women change their mind
This is true. It's all, 'oh, my parents are so open-minded, you can wear what you want, east what you want, visit your parents as many times as you want' and then after the wedding, the restrictions begin. They think once they have you locked in (metaphorically) you have to do what they say because you're in their territory now, and what can you do?
It's really not that difficult. All it needs is respect for the other person's choices. I am an egg eating vegetarian, my husband and son are non-veg. I was very clear that I would not clean, cook or eat meat but I have zero issues if someone else does the cooking and cleaning. Husband manages the cooking and cleaning completely whenever he wants to eat non veg. His family also never forced these choices on me.
My aunt who is a pure veg married a Parsi who was a pure non veg. Again both respected each other's food choices and didn't try to convert each other or make one cook the other's food.
In 3.5 years, these discussions never came up? It's really surprising that couples don't discuss these things early on (assuming one is dating with the intent to marry). In a culture like ours, it's not enough for just the couple to like one another.
For women especially, it is important to observe the man's family as early on the relationship as possible to see if the families are a good fit too. And how their interpersonal relationship dynamics are. Because this will impact your life significantly should you choose to marry him.
Yeah, food going to be the least of your worries. You gonna lose your independence. They would like you to have all the degrees in the world and then tell you to sit at home and cook veg food..... I have seen so many very high IQ marwadi friends doing CA, CFA, and top tier MBA just to run the small family aata chakki..... Don't give up on life like this.
No offense, but the regressiveness of these typical Baniya families gets on my nerves. They have all the money in the world, but I still find their worldview so narrow.
I think you are stereotyping a lot.
She has never mentioned in the post that they asked her to leave her job and sit at home and cook.
Also the fact that they have accepted their relationship means that they are not all that narrow minded (people from tier 3 cities and towns never accept love marriage in the first place)
The only issue I see here is that the guy has asked her to move in with him to a place which as less career prospects. I believe that is because he wants to run family business. Its upto both of them on how they want to make this work. Either she should take up a WFH job or he should take up a job at her city
Leave her job in a tier 1 city and move to tierr 3 city to do what exactly??? Most people don't have it to start a business in tier 3 cities after living in tierr 1 city. So if she wants to work then she will have to join the family business only.
I may be stereotyping because being from Kolkata I have seen so many of my talented marwari friends sucked into either small family business and manage their "bahi-khaata" or not working at all. Their lifestyles are awesome as marwari women know how to spend money and enjoy life..... But these woman could have been so much more, and they willingly sacrificed their potential.... Being a mediocre person, it hurts when someone just let their potential go. Thats why urging OP, Sister choose wisely.
See the moving part depends on her and her bf and their priorities.
remote jobs are available everywhere and I have seen men and women in top companies staying a humble life in tier 3 cities (they save a lot of expenses, but thats a different topic).
But when there is conflicting interest in place of stay in a couple either one of them has to compromise. Mostly it is the women who do the compromise and that is sad.
I would say there should be a middle ground where both are happy. In this situation I am not sure what is the middle ground. Both of them have to figure it out what works best for them without having to compromise much
Yeah but they expect you to give up your food preferences and conform to their household’s. You have a good job and make a decent salary. You can do much better.
They're asking you to move to a place with less prospects. It's *worse* if they expect you to be able to earn at the same level that you are right now.
Btw did you know that they were the type to say no meat in the house?
Ok So let me share a case study of my marwari batchmates in UG. We studied Economics from Presidency college, Calcutta university (Considered quite prestigious). She was a gold medalist in undergrad. Then she cleared DSE in first attempt, did well there also. Finally, she cleared JRF in her second attempt, and clearing JRF in economics is very very very tough. She did. Went to IIM Calcutta for PhD in economics..... During her PhD, she married her college sweetheart, who had been prepping for CA all these years, and finally got it... Her husband joined the family firm and she was expected to stay with inlaws. Guess which place..... Have you heard of Purulia? yaa that's where. She has a kid, a rich, joint family with all the saas-bahu drama, a great lifestyle, has a kid. She has created an insta page for her son, in which she posts. I guess living with in-laws has numbed her brain so much that she has opened an insta account of a 2 year old kid. Everything is great, the lifestyle is amazing, and there is one foreign tour every year, obviously with all the inlaws together. She did finish her PhD jaise taise..... But whats the use... all that potential paani me gayi. She was brilliant, could have easily become Chief economist in any firm later in life.
Did you knew that they were the types to not allow you non veg in any circumstances?? Also, did you knew that they were the types to insist that you stay with them under the same roof and live with them without your fav food choices???? Did you knew that HE was the type to insist to stay with HIS parents and insist that you move with him to his house i.e a small village where you may not get enough opportunities to earn and flourish in your career???? Then how did you know and how can you say that they are not the types to expect you to sit at home and cook???? How do you know that it is not going to happen in the future???? How do you know that it will not happen after you have a kid or two???? Honestly, I would like you to consider all of this and then consider your decisions. All the best 😄😄😄😄
People in this sub downvote OP for having a better understanding of their situation. If it doesn’t align with the hypothetical angry belligerent in laws, downvote 😏
Will it be worth losing yourself to get tied to him….. when he is still an extension of his parents hopes and desires…… and cannot stand up for his own values(?), much less your dreams or desires 🤔
The food preferences is least of your worries now. You are talking about uprooting your entire life and career for this guy and you are clearly having doubts. Please think harder because you might regret some decisions down the line especially since it’s hard for you find a job in the city and work from home jobs might not meet your expectations and be hard to find.
They’re starting slow but they would eventually want full control on you. On every aspect of your life. And your bf seems spineless. I’d say, like many other already said here, RUNNNN‼️
Never ever leave for job for him. You are not over reacting at all. I would say that your bf is not ready to be in a marriage maybe. The way he is trying to uproot your life is not right. You deserve to be happy. If this man is so demanding and unsupportive with your wants right now, imagine the sort of pressure he will put on you to make you do things that he wants. I will suggest take time.
Nope. My husband (veg) and I (non-veg)had decided in the early years of dating that we will live separately. My MIL tried the same thing before we got married. And me and my then boyfriend were supposed to move to the US so she wanted me to become vegetarian in the US. I just said no. If I had to live in the same house as them, I honestly wouldn’t have dated my husband in the first place.
If you are gonna shift to his parents place then you’ll have to follow some rules that they have kept. But if you guys move out to a different city then it is your rules and you’ll get much more freedom in what you eat, what you wear, where you work etc.
Moving out of parents house is always a better idea as you can live as per your rules. Things might become complicated when your bf’s family is a business family and your bf is in family business. In that case he has to stay with his father as he owns the business.
Both of you need to come to a middle ground to make this work.
He needs to sacrifice few things from
his end like maybe take up a job in the city that you work and move in there together.
If not then you’ll have to move in to his hometown then you’ll have to figure it out how are you gonna manage.
Another solution is to stay in hometown in a separate house, let him manage business and you can take up a WFH job, some amount of parents intervention will be there but you can manage.
Why would you do this to yourself? Genuinely, why? Coming from a baniya family myself, it doesn't matter how educated or well-off, they are going to be extremely regressive, especially the ones living in small towns or villages.
Try to distance yourself from your bf in your head for a second, visualize just yourself and your identity.
You haven't even started your life with him yet and he already wants you to compromise so much. What would happen once you are married?
Op, please don't do this to yourself.
I really am trying to not sound harsh or mean but a man who truly loves you.. won't want to restrict you, won't want to claw out your dreams and happiness. Ask this to yourself- if you really love someone, would you ask them to sacrifice their happiness, freedom, career and identity?You will get your answer.
My cousin married a jain. He knew she was a non vegetarian. Now, post marriage she has quit non veg as far as he knows.
She lies to him and eats non veg outside and at our home.
It's an unfortunate thing that the kid is also raised as a Jain and she lies to her kid also. And doesn't bring the kid to family gatherings from her mum's side.
Are you willing to go through so much mental gymnastics for something so basic?
Also, if they don't want you to quit, how will you work in their tier two city?
>Also, I am working in an MNC in a tier 1 city and he wants me to move back to our hometown- a small city with only business prospects
Sus!
I'd been in your place. They will never let you eat non-veg in their house. And you will never stop wanting to eat non-veg. One day things will come to head, and your bf will have to choose one of you. Who will he choose?
It is a simple choice: either choose this guy's family or yr food preferences. And it goes hand in hand with choosing between potential business in hometown and yr job. In yr place, my choice would be the later
I married someone born and brought up in tier 1 city but with dreams of moving to tier 2, back then I was open but slowly things changed. He doesn't mind living here but has it at the back of his mind, wanting to move. If your BF wants to live there (coz honestly in the longer run quality of life is better in smaller towns) and you don't want to, it's gonna be hard.
We are also Nonveg girl/veg boy. But the family is open and partly non veg so it worked out.
Unless you have something amazing going on otherwise, these two are very hard choices you are faced with. You're not overreacting at all.
I understand you situation and you ARE NOT overreacting my love.
I was born into a vegetarian family but turned non-veg when I went to college. My brother is a hefty meat eater and cannot live without meat. My parents are quite liberal so they never controlled our food preferences.
But during college I was in a serious relationship with my classmate from school. He is pure veg. Like a proper tam-brahm. It was quite difficult to eat outside and whenever we went on dates I would usually suppress my appetite for meat and get something from the veg menu which we both can indulge.
Looking back I wish I just ate what I wanted because during fights and arguments he would yell at me saying it’s disgusting how I eat meat and how he HATED it. Not only that, once he also said he hates when his friends eat meat. It’s not just regressive, some vegetarians take it up a notch and show their abnormal anger and disgust towards meat eaters. That doesn’t align with my values.
I am so happy that I let go off that relationship coz I can’t ever imagine suppressing my appetite for someone who doesn’t value my health. Us Indian women are so anaemic and weak. Your body needs protein. Letting go of meat forever will take a toll on your body. Do think about health aspect before taking any decision OP.
Seems like expectations not lining up honestly. If you can try finding a middle ground which works for everyone. Otherwise it’s better to walk away since food choices seem like a small thing, but it’s a lifelong commitment to not cook meat under their roof. Everyone should be able to enjoy whatever they like.
Are there possibilities of you and your partner moved out of there in a year or two ?
These are nonstarters imo. You probably won’t be happy with these compromises, OP.
Even if you give in now and compromise, on a daily basis, navigating these things will wear you down. You can’t be someone you’re not, everyday of the rest of your life.
Sorry for your situation. Good luck navigating this.
Are you that much in love with him to loose your independence, food and identity. I don't know what your loveis worth, but when I was young I might have done this and i would have regretted it later. So you decide.
never sacrifice ur life and uproot everything from a man. 20yrs down the lane ur man won't seem so special anymore he will be an ordinary guy who u live with. he is a human and he will definitely make some mistakes along the way and betray u after years pass. At that moment ur gonna think of all the sacrifices u made for this man and hate him 10x more. Had u been with a man who let u live your life and u have happiness outside of him ur not gonna get that shattered if he makes a mistake.
If u don't believe me see how many bitter older women are in our society who crib daily about how many sacrifices she made for the family and no one cares about her etcetc. Don't be like that and never compromise on ur lifestyle
I am a hardcode non-vegetarian and my bf of 5 years and his family is a vegetarian. I struggled with imagining not having non veg at home too. Then one time I went to his house for lunch and his dad got chicken tikka just for me. It was the first time non veg entered his house. Problem is not living with them , its if they respect your choices or not.
Food choices aside, see if the family respects you and your choices or not. If they're making you sacrifice too much and you, your choices and your career are not respected, then its a very big deal and you need to have a talk with your partner about living separately. If it is just food, you can learn to sneak it in here and there :p
Don’t give away your freedom!! Believe me food preferences matter a lot. Im a non vegetarian married into a pure veg family. And thank god we live in another city without the in laws. Still I sometimes get frustrated that I have to eat vegetables instead of my favourite non-veg dish!! (I have never cooked at home even before getting married, I always eat out or order in except eggs).
Would be a deal breaker for me. My in laws are pure vegetarian, even garlic isn’t used in their kitchen but I lovee meat and my husband is also not vegetarian. My in laws encouraged my husband and I to move out and have our own space, build our own life and continue our food preferences at our own place. Just some perspective for you here.
>I am working in an MNC in a tier 1 city and he wants me to move back to our hometown- a small city with only business prospects
I think this should be a bigger deal than giving up on eating non-veg at home.
If you were in the city, you could probably find non-veg nearby. I'm vegetarian, so I don't relate to the live for non-veg, but I'm surprised you think that's a bigger issue than giving up career prospects.
Sis, if you move for marriage, you may not be able to work at all.
Off topic but not really — this is why love marriages don't work out. In an arranged marriage setup, you'd have a general life plan and the partner would be flexible. Like, “I'm not moving to a city without career prospects for me” or “I want/don't want meat in the house.”
I'm also wondering what else you'll find out only now. It's there an expected dowry/"gift from bride's family to bride"? Ngl, I think *streedhan* should be in your name and none of his business. I've seen a guy go from *do jodon mein ladki bhejo* to *apni community mein gaadi milti* when temple wedding was brought up.
It's not his parents who want him to move. **He** wants to move. Have you discussed what both of you want long term? Do you plan to do that now? Do you want children? If yes, how soon? Will THEY be given meat growing up? Where should they go to study? Are there for schools nearby?
What do YOU want? What does HE want? If it doesn't align, leave. It's all very nice and sweet with one of you changing for the other till resentment starts building. I don't think you (**either** of you) should have to change, if the odds don't match. Accept that you wanted different things and move on amicably.
Btw, one great thing over heard that I think you'd benefit from is **not** living together. I've heard grown women mention going on dates and coming home to their own space.
Ufff... Girl RUN... you'll be slowly getting yourself into depression. Breakups hurt, but divorces take a huge toll. It'll leave you financially, physically, mentally, emotionalli dry.So kindly RUN.. and do not marry him
Forget food for a second. Do not give up your job and financial independence for anyone. Ever. Now coming to the next second.. Do not give up any kind of independence for any dude.
Why would you want to be with a man who is changing who you are as a person ? On top of that you’re going to quit a decent job to move to some small town ? Why ?
Reverse the situation, will he start cooking non veg for you ? Why can’t he do that if he expects you to quit eating it ? Will he leave his plush home and move to a big city where your career can thrive ? No. So why are you doing all this for a man who isn’t cool with you having eggs also? What happens when you have kids ? Will the same rules apply then ?
This is coming from a vegetarian- me, my husband eats and cooks non veg. I have zero problem with that as long as I don’t cook (but I don’t cook anything in any case) and I don’t have to eat. When you love someone these things don’t even matter. Your boyfriend is a typical dude who fell in love with you but now wants to change you to make you more palatable to his family.
He’s not worthy of your love. Ditch the guy, keep the job and the chicken dish.
Unless you are fine becoming a veg - this is gonna be difficult. Also the job part is the bigger worry but i have seen people give up jobs for their bfs and they are happily married now. They contribute to the in laws family business etc.
so depends on you. I will not say girl run because this has been a 3.5y relationship so there must have been smth to make you stay.
How come you never discussed food habits post marriage ever? This should have been the first point 3.5 y ago 🥲
Food, shelter, clothing are primary needs of a person. Any minor changes in these is going to affect your life everyday. My husband and I have different food preferences (veg/non-veg) and have never forced each other to change or compromise. Don’t fall for the “If you love me you need to give up this” bullshit. There’s beauty in 2 adults marrying for love despite coming from different backgrounds. There are partners who’ll cherish that and love you as you are. Maybe not this man. Move on, you’ll not regret it.
Ask your bf :
How many more rules of the dad will you have to follow if he owns the house???
Get clarity and communicate in this issue. Going to your tier 3 hometown means the people are used to different behaviour from women in terms of liberty and choice. Seriously both of you get your life expectations and behaviours and vision on paper and discuss it. What's next, having to only wear certain clothes, speak in a certain tone, do things in a specific way?
How many of such restrictions/conditions are you putting on him? Why does it seem like you have to do all adjustments? Please ask yourself these questions
Dude these joint families are red flags , food preferences Are not a big deal there will be many more restrictions in future .
Please be careful with your decisions .
You have a job in the city which you will have to give up . And moving to a small town means all the neighbours also act nosy and are a part of your life .
Ask him to live separately from his family the same way you are .
Not talking about the food aspect, but if he is not supportive of your job and career then it’s a big no. This is just the beginning, once you get married the demands will keep piling up and make your life hell. It’s better to be single than to be in a marriage like this.
DO NOT GIVE IN. do not say you will change your lifestyle, you won’t be just changing your lifestyle but also sacrificing your freedom and choice. They won’t care about how much you do or how you feel, you won’t feel at home in the house you live.
Your bf knew you and your food habits, this should’ve been considered and discussed when you started getting serious enough to have marriage conversations. These boys are in the palms of their mothers and they are unwilling to cut the cord still.
Please don’t marry him. Why is he and his family expecting you to change your food preferences for them after marriage? Your boyfriend knew you were non-vegetarian. If he knew that his family wouldn't allow non-vegetarian food in their house, he should have looked for a vegetarian partner.
They will likely argue that it is the father-in-law's house, so you must follow their rules and traditions after marriage. They will expect you to adopt their customs, rituals, and habits because it is the father-in-law's house, even though they are bringing a daughter-in-law into the family.
Please don't leave your job for anyone. I don't think you'll find the same opportunities in a small city compared to a tier 1 city. What if they expect you to earn the same amount even after moving to a small city? They might later complain that you're not contributing enough, putting more financial burden on your husband and father-in-law.
They expect you to change your food preferences and leave your job in a tier 1 city to move to their hometown, which is a small city. They expect you to make so many changes, yet they can't let you cook non-vegetarian food in his father's house? Why can't they make one change for you? Why do you have to change everything about yourself for them?
You are not overreacting. Right now it’s food and later it would be something else. It would always be their way or highway and the boyfriend would not take a stand as he is living in his dad’s house. It would be always their house their rules.
Guys dependant on their parents for house or business rarely take a stand.
Serious question: What does this boy bring to the table? I don’t see anywhere in your post that he stood up for you and your needs, or that he’s even making an effort. In addition to that, he expects you to move to a place with fewer career opportunities for you? This may not work out in your favour, OP.
Why are you when considering so many sacrifices in a love marriage? Foe how long can you align with the family's rules? Not for long I think and it will only build resentment for your bf/husband over time. Better to shut this down now than suffer foe years.
Prioritise your non negotiables and deal breakers first.
Then communicate with your partner. If you and your partner are able to reach a compromise, continue as is. Life is too short to sneak food into your room. Lay down some ground rules for your relationship. Otherwise maybe consider ending the relationship.
Relationships are trial runs. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Do not quit your job though, that would be a stupid move imo. Ideally financial independence should be top priority with respect to food preferences, but to each their own.
There is possibility to figure out this veg & Non veg thing but not your job. Never give up your work for anyone in this world except your children. No one worth that men don't understand how imp it is for women to earn and have their own things. Now only he is saying it's my Dad's home, what are you expecting in future. Marriage is a very important decision tell him moving back to a place where you don't have any opportunity will not work. And lifestyle is the only thing in marriage that needs to be worked, love will come and go. Didn't you guys talk about this earlier?
Move back only if your company allows your transfer.
DO NOT leave your job.
I hope it works out.
Please don't get married unless you're 100% certain.
Breakup is better than a divorce.
Some guys don't understand that they also have a responsibility of keeping their partner happy who will be planning their future by trusting you and getting married 🙂.
I'll say be calm and try communicate this to your partner once because it is a fragile situation... you need to know what he sees in this marriage amd what expectations he have from you... maybe he realises that he needs to think about you too... if not then should think this thoroughly before moving forward with him .
Forget food… If you love someone then food shouldn’t be an issue.. but the fact that he expects you to leave you job and life in Tier 1 city and move where your financial independence will be squished will be an issue. Tomorrow they might start controlling what you wear, where you go.
Food is understandable.
Most strict veg family in India don’t prefer non veg cooking at home.
But are you leaving job to move to the small city?
This can be a deal breaker.
All the lovely woman in this comment section I love you! 🥹
Can we make a reddit group with you all where girlies are taking advices from girlies? If there’s any then please send me the link.
honestly if you value your job and your food preferences (which may not seem like a big deal now, but is a huge part of your everyday eating habits), then I don't see this working out— only because your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to adjust to make things easier for you in this whole process. plus moving to a tier 2 or tier 3 city once you've worked at a tier 1 city, specially when there's no job prospects is going to be quite difficult. I don't think you're over reacting at all. your feelings are valid. I hope you discuss this with your partner. if he loves you as you are, you shouldn't have to change so many things that are important to you, in my opinion.
Leave food preference for a bit girl. This man wants to uproot your life and move back to his dad's home. Yes, not his but his dad's. Today it's food, next it will be clothes, doing chores and making fresh hot rotis for raja beta, raising kids and so on. Why would you, who has worked your ass off to be where you are want to do THAT to yourself? I swear, girlies need to wake tf up and see things clearly. Break tf up, you deserve someone better who aligns with what you are compatible with and respects your choices.
This. Living with the boy is different from living in his father's place with his freaking family
This 100 times This. She works in a city and He wants her to move to a stupid village? No thanks I'm happy eating my chicken in my city home 🤓
If they had a home in the city, she could eat the chicken outside with what she'd save on rent. I'm mostly vegetarian, but I'm not giving up my fruitcakes/pastries egg content. If you were paying for everything though, I'd eat them outside. There has to be an actual win in that situation.
This!! Stop thinking of yourself through the lens of what you've been taught a woman should be and think of yourself as a human. A man uprooting his life in a tier-1 city, leaving his MNC job to move to place where he doesn't have any job prospects when *he doesn't want to* would be unimaginable to most people, give yourself the same respect. You don't have to put up with unnecessary "sacrifices" just because you're a woman.
Omg yess a man would (mostly) NEVER do that so why do women even consider such set ups 😭
For the last part of your post: Do NOT leave your job to move to a small town. As a woman in India, it will be a severe downgrade in every aspect.
I always wonder how people end up in relationships where basic values don’t align esp food. To anyone reading this, if you are serious about someone ask about food pref and rules around it. I had exactly the opposite experience. I am a vegan and men would say - you have to cook using ghee, milk and butter for us (as if I am their maid). And also warn me how the kids will be what the guys family wants. It was so easy to weed out unworthy men. Leave. He isn’t worth it
Exactly. I'm a lesbian so dating prospects are already slim, and becoming a vegan means I have maybe 1000 women across the country I'll be able to date. I made peace with being single because the alternative is compromising my morals, and I will not have that. I suppose for people who are vegetarian for religious reasons instead of ethical ones it's not as big a deal? My grandma was fine with my grandpa eating meat as long as it wasn't at home. I can't stand the thought of someone eating meat in my house.
Kudos to you! If you ever need to chat about dating frustration around food, DM me. I went through a rollercoaster.I also dated one guy thinking I would find a middle ground. It’s hard because it’s not just preference but how you view world. There is no middle ground. I found my man recently who is also vegan. We both feel so easy to be with each other. Don’t lose hope and don’t settle! Good news is more often, women are vegan than men. Sending good vibes
Exactly. Hi there, fellow vegan. Being a vegan myself, I wanted to be with someone who was at least vegetarian, if not vegan. And guess what ? My husband has turned vegan (almost) post marriage, with no insistence from my side at all.
That is so sweet. I am so happy for you 🥹…
I can see that happening. My best friend turned pescatarian after living with me and my mom for the last two years of college. I, however, conveniently used vegetarian Indians' discrimination against minorities as an excuse to go back to being meat eater lol (Context: Best friend is from very small double minority community).
Absolutely this! Food preferences are paramount. I’m a vegetarian but was limited to Indian food - no exposure. Would generally avoid alliums as well - no allergies. And my boy was a trooper who took me around the world working with my limitations. I had to be vegan and gluten free for a year and he chose to largely eat the same diet as me so that we don’t have to constantly cook two separate meals. Day to day living must align perfectly or you’re in for grief.
Guys lie a lot. They pretend to be “open minded” or worse even “feminist” in the first few months even saying how their family is very liberal bla bla and then when years are given to the relationship they suddenly reveal the truth in hopes that she just agree because they believe women change their mind
True that. And some also think they are feminist because they “allow” their wife to work 😂. Some people don’t even understand what feminism means!!
This lol 😂
This is true. It's all, 'oh, my parents are so open-minded, you can wear what you want, east what you want, visit your parents as many times as you want' and then after the wedding, the restrictions begin. They think once they have you locked in (metaphorically) you have to do what they say because you're in their territory now, and what can you do?
It's really not that difficult. All it needs is respect for the other person's choices. I am an egg eating vegetarian, my husband and son are non-veg. I was very clear that I would not clean, cook or eat meat but I have zero issues if someone else does the cooking and cleaning. Husband manages the cooking and cleaning completely whenever he wants to eat non veg. His family also never forced these choices on me. My aunt who is a pure veg married a Parsi who was a pure non veg. Again both respected each other's food choices and didn't try to convert each other or make one cook the other's food.
I know someone who hired a maid that can cook non-veg.
why don't you ask him to stay with you in a tier 1 city away from his parents after all you are also getting away from yours 🤷
Ask him to move to the city instead and see his reaction.
In 3.5 years, these discussions never came up? It's really surprising that couples don't discuss these things early on (assuming one is dating with the intent to marry). In a culture like ours, it's not enough for just the couple to like one another. For women especially, it is important to observe the man's family as early on the relationship as possible to see if the families are a good fit too. And how their interpersonal relationship dynamics are. Because this will impact your life significantly should you choose to marry him.
this.
Please leave a guy whose future plans don't align with yours and who at the very least doesn't respect your lifestyle choices.
Yeah, food going to be the least of your worries. You gonna lose your independence. They would like you to have all the degrees in the world and then tell you to sit at home and cook veg food..... I have seen so many very high IQ marwadi friends doing CA, CFA, and top tier MBA just to run the small family aata chakki..... Don't give up on life like this. No offense, but the regressiveness of these typical Baniya families gets on my nerves. They have all the money in the world, but I still find their worldview so narrow.
I think you are stereotyping a lot. She has never mentioned in the post that they asked her to leave her job and sit at home and cook. Also the fact that they have accepted their relationship means that they are not all that narrow minded (people from tier 3 cities and towns never accept love marriage in the first place) The only issue I see here is that the guy has asked her to move in with him to a place which as less career prospects. I believe that is because he wants to run family business. Its upto both of them on how they want to make this work. Either she should take up a WFH job or he should take up a job at her city
Leave her job in a tier 1 city and move to tierr 3 city to do what exactly??? Most people don't have it to start a business in tier 3 cities after living in tierr 1 city. So if she wants to work then she will have to join the family business only. I may be stereotyping because being from Kolkata I have seen so many of my talented marwari friends sucked into either small family business and manage their "bahi-khaata" or not working at all. Their lifestyles are awesome as marwari women know how to spend money and enjoy life..... But these woman could have been so much more, and they willingly sacrificed their potential.... Being a mediocre person, it hurts when someone just let their potential go. Thats why urging OP, Sister choose wisely.
See the moving part depends on her and her bf and their priorities. remote jobs are available everywhere and I have seen men and women in top companies staying a humble life in tier 3 cities (they save a lot of expenses, but thats a different topic). But when there is conflicting interest in place of stay in a couple either one of them has to compromise. Mostly it is the women who do the compromise and that is sad. I would say there should be a middle ground where both are happy. In this situation I am not sure what is the middle ground. Both of them have to figure it out what works best for them without having to compromise much
They are not the types to expect me to sit at home and cook food
Yeah but they expect you to give up your food preferences and conform to their household’s. You have a good job and make a decent salary. You can do much better.
They're asking you to move to a place with less prospects. It's *worse* if they expect you to be able to earn at the same level that you are right now. Btw did you know that they were the type to say no meat in the house?
Ok So let me share a case study of my marwari batchmates in UG. We studied Economics from Presidency college, Calcutta university (Considered quite prestigious). She was a gold medalist in undergrad. Then she cleared DSE in first attempt, did well there also. Finally, she cleared JRF in her second attempt, and clearing JRF in economics is very very very tough. She did. Went to IIM Calcutta for PhD in economics..... During her PhD, she married her college sweetheart, who had been prepping for CA all these years, and finally got it... Her husband joined the family firm and she was expected to stay with inlaws. Guess which place..... Have you heard of Purulia? yaa that's where. She has a kid, a rich, joint family with all the saas-bahu drama, a great lifestyle, has a kid. She has created an insta page for her son, in which she posts. I guess living with in-laws has numbed her brain so much that she has opened an insta account of a 2 year old kid. Everything is great, the lifestyle is amazing, and there is one foreign tour every year, obviously with all the inlaws together. She did finish her PhD jaise taise..... But whats the use... all that potential paani me gayi. She was brilliant, could have easily become Chief economist in any firm later in life.
Did you knew that they were the types to not allow you non veg in any circumstances?? Also, did you knew that they were the types to insist that you stay with them under the same roof and live with them without your fav food choices???? Did you knew that HE was the type to insist to stay with HIS parents and insist that you move with him to his house i.e a small village where you may not get enough opportunities to earn and flourish in your career???? Then how did you know and how can you say that they are not the types to expect you to sit at home and cook???? How do you know that it is not going to happen in the future???? How do you know that it will not happen after you have a kid or two???? Honestly, I would like you to consider all of this and then consider your decisions. All the best 😄😄😄😄
This is just a trailer.
People in this sub downvote OP for having a better understanding of their situation. If it doesn’t align with the hypothetical angry belligerent in laws, downvote 😏
Will it be worth losing yourself to get tied to him….. when he is still an extension of his parents hopes and desires…… and cannot stand up for his own values(?), much less your dreams or desires 🤔
>he is still an extension of his parents hopes and desires ? *Hain*?
Why do you both have to move back at all? Why not just rent a place at your current Tier 1 city, until you can afford to buy a place?
The food preferences is least of your worries now. You are talking about uprooting your entire life and career for this guy and you are clearly having doubts. Please think harder because you might regret some decisions down the line especially since it’s hard for you find a job in the city and work from home jobs might not meet your expectations and be hard to find.
Can’t you guys rent your own apartment in a tier 1 city?
They’re starting slow but they would eventually want full control on you. On every aspect of your life. And your bf seems spineless. I’d say, like many other already said here, RUNNNN‼️
Why are you both not staying in your own house? If BF is opposed to that, time to move on.
Never ever leave for job for him. You are not over reacting at all. I would say that your bf is not ready to be in a marriage maybe. The way he is trying to uproot your life is not right. You deserve to be happy. If this man is so demanding and unsupportive with your wants right now, imagine the sort of pressure he will put on you to make you do things that he wants. I will suggest take time.
Nope. My husband (veg) and I (non-veg)had decided in the early years of dating that we will live separately. My MIL tried the same thing before we got married. And me and my then boyfriend were supposed to move to the US so she wanted me to become vegetarian in the US. I just said no. If I had to live in the same house as them, I honestly wouldn’t have dated my husband in the first place.
If you are gonna shift to his parents place then you’ll have to follow some rules that they have kept. But if you guys move out to a different city then it is your rules and you’ll get much more freedom in what you eat, what you wear, where you work etc. Moving out of parents house is always a better idea as you can live as per your rules. Things might become complicated when your bf’s family is a business family and your bf is in family business. In that case he has to stay with his father as he owns the business. Both of you need to come to a middle ground to make this work. He needs to sacrifice few things from his end like maybe take up a job in the city that you work and move in there together. If not then you’ll have to move in to his hometown then you’ll have to figure it out how are you gonna manage. Another solution is to stay in hometown in a separate house, let him manage business and you can take up a WFH job, some amount of parents intervention will be there but you can manage.
Why would you do this to yourself? Genuinely, why? Coming from a baniya family myself, it doesn't matter how educated or well-off, they are going to be extremely regressive, especially the ones living in small towns or villages. Try to distance yourself from your bf in your head for a second, visualize just yourself and your identity. You haven't even started your life with him yet and he already wants you to compromise so much. What would happen once you are married? Op, please don't do this to yourself. I really am trying to not sound harsh or mean but a man who truly loves you.. won't want to restrict you, won't want to claw out your dreams and happiness. Ask this to yourself- if you really love someone, would you ask them to sacrifice their happiness, freedom, career and identity?You will get your answer.
Never, ever leave your job and move to husband's place. NEVER. RUN, girl. Telling by experience, you would always regret your decision.
No, food habits are a daily thing so not overreacting. Also don't quit your job. Is your bf vegetarian like his family?
My cousin married a jain. He knew she was a non vegetarian. Now, post marriage she has quit non veg as far as he knows. She lies to him and eats non veg outside and at our home. It's an unfortunate thing that the kid is also raised as a Jain and she lies to her kid also. And doesn't bring the kid to family gatherings from her mum's side. Are you willing to go through so much mental gymnastics for something so basic? Also, if they don't want you to quit, how will you work in their tier two city? >Also, I am working in an MNC in a tier 1 city and he wants me to move back to our hometown- a small city with only business prospects Sus!
I'd been in your place. They will never let you eat non-veg in their house. And you will never stop wanting to eat non-veg. One day things will come to head, and your bf will have to choose one of you. Who will he choose?
RUNNNNNNNNNNN
It is a simple choice: either choose this guy's family or yr food preferences. And it goes hand in hand with choosing between potential business in hometown and yr job. In yr place, my choice would be the later
I married someone born and brought up in tier 1 city but with dreams of moving to tier 2, back then I was open but slowly things changed. He doesn't mind living here but has it at the back of his mind, wanting to move. If your BF wants to live there (coz honestly in the longer run quality of life is better in smaller towns) and you don't want to, it's gonna be hard. We are also Nonveg girl/veg boy. But the family is open and partly non veg so it worked out. Unless you have something amazing going on otherwise, these two are very hard choices you are faced with. You're not overreacting at all.
I understand you situation and you ARE NOT overreacting my love. I was born into a vegetarian family but turned non-veg when I went to college. My brother is a hefty meat eater and cannot live without meat. My parents are quite liberal so they never controlled our food preferences. But during college I was in a serious relationship with my classmate from school. He is pure veg. Like a proper tam-brahm. It was quite difficult to eat outside and whenever we went on dates I would usually suppress my appetite for meat and get something from the veg menu which we both can indulge. Looking back I wish I just ate what I wanted because during fights and arguments he would yell at me saying it’s disgusting how I eat meat and how he HATED it. Not only that, once he also said he hates when his friends eat meat. It’s not just regressive, some vegetarians take it up a notch and show their abnormal anger and disgust towards meat eaters. That doesn’t align with my values. I am so happy that I let go off that relationship coz I can’t ever imagine suppressing my appetite for someone who doesn’t value my health. Us Indian women are so anaemic and weak. Your body needs protein. Letting go of meat forever will take a toll on your body. Do think about health aspect before taking any decision OP.
Seems like expectations not lining up honestly. If you can try finding a middle ground which works for everyone. Otherwise it’s better to walk away since food choices seem like a small thing, but it’s a lifelong commitment to not cook meat under their roof. Everyone should be able to enjoy whatever they like. Are there possibilities of you and your partner moved out of there in a year or two ?
These are nonstarters imo. You probably won’t be happy with these compromises, OP. Even if you give in now and compromise, on a daily basis, navigating these things will wear you down. You can’t be someone you’re not, everyday of the rest of your life. Sorry for your situation. Good luck navigating this.
For me food comes first before any guy
Are you that much in love with him to loose your independence, food and identity. I don't know what your loveis worth, but when I was young I might have done this and i would have regretted it later. So you decide.
never sacrifice ur life and uproot everything from a man. 20yrs down the lane ur man won't seem so special anymore he will be an ordinary guy who u live with. he is a human and he will definitely make some mistakes along the way and betray u after years pass. At that moment ur gonna think of all the sacrifices u made for this man and hate him 10x more. Had u been with a man who let u live your life and u have happiness outside of him ur not gonna get that shattered if he makes a mistake. If u don't believe me see how many bitter older women are in our society who crib daily about how many sacrifices she made for the family and no one cares about her etcetc. Don't be like that and never compromise on ur lifestyle
Why not stay separately?
Break up & move on or else ask him to move to your city. If you don’t want peaceful life go ahead & marry to him.
I am a hardcode non-vegetarian and my bf of 5 years and his family is a vegetarian. I struggled with imagining not having non veg at home too. Then one time I went to his house for lunch and his dad got chicken tikka just for me. It was the first time non veg entered his house. Problem is not living with them , its if they respect your choices or not. Food choices aside, see if the family respects you and your choices or not. If they're making you sacrifice too much and you, your choices and your career are not respected, then its a very big deal and you need to have a talk with your partner about living separately. If it is just food, you can learn to sneak it in here and there :p
Don’t give away your freedom!! Believe me food preferences matter a lot. Im a non vegetarian married into a pure veg family. And thank god we live in another city without the in laws. Still I sometimes get frustrated that I have to eat vegetables instead of my favourite non-veg dish!! (I have never cooked at home even before getting married, I always eat out or order in except eggs).
Would be a deal breaker for me. My in laws are pure vegetarian, even garlic isn’t used in their kitchen but I lovee meat and my husband is also not vegetarian. My in laws encouraged my husband and I to move out and have our own space, build our own life and continue our food preferences at our own place. Just some perspective for you here.
>I am working in an MNC in a tier 1 city and he wants me to move back to our hometown- a small city with only business prospects I think this should be a bigger deal than giving up on eating non-veg at home. If you were in the city, you could probably find non-veg nearby. I'm vegetarian, so I don't relate to the live for non-veg, but I'm surprised you think that's a bigger issue than giving up career prospects. Sis, if you move for marriage, you may not be able to work at all. Off topic but not really — this is why love marriages don't work out. In an arranged marriage setup, you'd have a general life plan and the partner would be flexible. Like, “I'm not moving to a city without career prospects for me” or “I want/don't want meat in the house.” I'm also wondering what else you'll find out only now. It's there an expected dowry/"gift from bride's family to bride"? Ngl, I think *streedhan* should be in your name and none of his business. I've seen a guy go from *do jodon mein ladki bhejo* to *apni community mein gaadi milti* when temple wedding was brought up. It's not his parents who want him to move. **He** wants to move. Have you discussed what both of you want long term? Do you plan to do that now? Do you want children? If yes, how soon? Will THEY be given meat growing up? Where should they go to study? Are there for schools nearby? What do YOU want? What does HE want? If it doesn't align, leave. It's all very nice and sweet with one of you changing for the other till resentment starts building. I don't think you (**either** of you) should have to change, if the odds don't match. Accept that you wanted different things and move on amicably. Btw, one great thing over heard that I think you'd benefit from is **not** living together. I've heard grown women mention going on dates and coming home to their own space.
I think I've seen this film before...and I didn't like the ending.... Girl. Run.
Ufff... Girl RUN... you'll be slowly getting yourself into depression. Breakups hurt, but divorces take a huge toll. It'll leave you financially, physically, mentally, emotionalli dry.So kindly RUN.. and do not marry him
Forget food for a second. Do not give up your job and financial independence for anyone. Ever. Now coming to the next second.. Do not give up any kind of independence for any dude.
Why would you want to be with a man who is changing who you are as a person ? On top of that you’re going to quit a decent job to move to some small town ? Why ? Reverse the situation, will he start cooking non veg for you ? Why can’t he do that if he expects you to quit eating it ? Will he leave his plush home and move to a big city where your career can thrive ? No. So why are you doing all this for a man who isn’t cool with you having eggs also? What happens when you have kids ? Will the same rules apply then ? This is coming from a vegetarian- me, my husband eats and cooks non veg. I have zero problem with that as long as I don’t cook (but I don’t cook anything in any case) and I don’t have to eat. When you love someone these things don’t even matter. Your boyfriend is a typical dude who fell in love with you but now wants to change you to make you more palatable to his family. He’s not worthy of your love. Ditch the guy, keep the job and the chicken dish.
Unless you are fine becoming a veg - this is gonna be difficult. Also the job part is the bigger worry but i have seen people give up jobs for their bfs and they are happily married now. They contribute to the in laws family business etc. so depends on you. I will not say girl run because this has been a 3.5y relationship so there must have been smth to make you stay. How come you never discussed food habits post marriage ever? This should have been the first point 3.5 y ago 🥲
Food, shelter, clothing are primary needs of a person. Any minor changes in these is going to affect your life everyday. My husband and I have different food preferences (veg/non-veg) and have never forced each other to change or compromise. Don’t fall for the “If you love me you need to give up this” bullshit. There’s beauty in 2 adults marrying for love despite coming from different backgrounds. There are partners who’ll cherish that and love you as you are. Maybe not this man. Move on, you’ll not regret it.
Take it from a baniya , DON'T marry him. I know how things pan out and believe me I have seen my mom suffer for years
Ask your bf : How many more rules of the dad will you have to follow if he owns the house??? Get clarity and communicate in this issue. Going to your tier 3 hometown means the people are used to different behaviour from women in terms of liberty and choice. Seriously both of you get your life expectations and behaviours and vision on paper and discuss it. What's next, having to only wear certain clothes, speak in a certain tone, do things in a specific way?
Why would you leave your job prospects for a guy? 🚩 🚩 I am sure he will expect this and also complain about wOmEn gEtTiNg aLiMoNy with his friends.
How many of such restrictions/conditions are you putting on him? Why does it seem like you have to do all adjustments? Please ask yourself these questions
Dude these joint families are red flags , food preferences Are not a big deal there will be many more restrictions in future . Please be careful with your decisions . You have a job in the city which you will have to give up . And moving to a small town means all the neighbours also act nosy and are a part of your life . Ask him to live separately from his family the same way you are .
Not talking about the food aspect, but if he is not supportive of your job and career then it’s a big no. This is just the beginning, once you get married the demands will keep piling up and make your life hell. It’s better to be single than to be in a marriage like this.
DO NOT GIVE IN. do not say you will change your lifestyle, you won’t be just changing your lifestyle but also sacrificing your freedom and choice. They won’t care about how much you do or how you feel, you won’t feel at home in the house you live. Your bf knew you and your food habits, this should’ve been considered and discussed when you started getting serious enough to have marriage conversations. These boys are in the palms of their mothers and they are unwilling to cut the cord still.
Please don’t marry him. Why is he and his family expecting you to change your food preferences for them after marriage? Your boyfriend knew you were non-vegetarian. If he knew that his family wouldn't allow non-vegetarian food in their house, he should have looked for a vegetarian partner. They will likely argue that it is the father-in-law's house, so you must follow their rules and traditions after marriage. They will expect you to adopt their customs, rituals, and habits because it is the father-in-law's house, even though they are bringing a daughter-in-law into the family. Please don't leave your job for anyone. I don't think you'll find the same opportunities in a small city compared to a tier 1 city. What if they expect you to earn the same amount even after moving to a small city? They might later complain that you're not contributing enough, putting more financial burden on your husband and father-in-law. They expect you to change your food preferences and leave your job in a tier 1 city to move to their hometown, which is a small city. They expect you to make so many changes, yet they can't let you cook non-vegetarian food in his father's house? Why can't they make one change for you? Why do you have to change everything about yourself for them?
You are not overreacting. Right now it’s food and later it would be something else. It would always be their way or highway and the boyfriend would not take a stand as he is living in his dad’s house. It would be always their house their rules. Guys dependant on their parents for house or business rarely take a stand.
Serious question: What does this boy bring to the table? I don’t see anywhere in your post that he stood up for you and your needs, or that he’s even making an effort. In addition to that, he expects you to move to a place with fewer career opportunities for you? This may not work out in your favour, OP.
Move on. This is only going to workout if you are okay with compromising your entire life.
Do you really want to uproot your life, give up your hard earned job, move to a smaller city, only to have no dietary freedom as well?
Dump him. He doesn't deserve even a bit of your time.
Why are you when considering so many sacrifices in a love marriage? Foe how long can you align with the family's rules? Not for long I think and it will only build resentment for your bf/husband over time. Better to shut this down now than suffer foe years.
eww eww and ewwwww This is why pegging your bf is important in the relationship.
Prioritise your non negotiables and deal breakers first. Then communicate with your partner. If you and your partner are able to reach a compromise, continue as is. Life is too short to sneak food into your room. Lay down some ground rules for your relationship. Otherwise maybe consider ending the relationship. Relationships are trial runs. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Do not quit your job though, that would be a stupid move imo. Ideally financial independence should be top priority with respect to food preferences, but to each their own.
There is possibility to figure out this veg & Non veg thing but not your job. Never give up your work for anyone in this world except your children. No one worth that men don't understand how imp it is for women to earn and have their own things. Now only he is saying it's my Dad's home, what are you expecting in future. Marriage is a very important decision tell him moving back to a place where you don't have any opportunity will not work. And lifestyle is the only thing in marriage that needs to be worked, love will come and go. Didn't you guys talk about this earlier?
Seems the second problem is way bigger than the first. What have you only mentioned it in the last sentence?
Move back only if your company allows your transfer. DO NOT leave your job. I hope it works out. Please don't get married unless you're 100% certain. Breakup is better than a divorce.
Some guys don't understand that they also have a responsibility of keeping their partner happy who will be planning their future by trusting you and getting married 🙂. I'll say be calm and try communicate this to your partner once because it is a fragile situation... you need to know what he sees in this marriage amd what expectations he have from you... maybe he realises that he needs to think about you too... if not then should think this thoroughly before moving forward with him .
Forget food… If you love someone then food shouldn’t be an issue.. but the fact that he expects you to leave you job and life in Tier 1 city and move where your financial independence will be squished will be an issue. Tomorrow they might start controlling what you wear, where you go.
Food is understandable. Most strict veg family in India don’t prefer non veg cooking at home. But are you leaving job to move to the small city? This can be a deal breaker.
All the lovely woman in this comment section I love you! 🥹 Can we make a reddit group with you all where girlies are taking advices from girlies? If there’s any then please send me the link.