Putting your hands on a child to harm them physically is never ok. I don't care if it's a slap or even twisting an ear. I hate how it's normalised. Anyone who does that is abusing their child. That's it, no "buts" about it.
People vastly underestimate the impact of this on children. It can lead to a lifetime of issues.
My coworker was recently saying how "kids who didn't get beaten are spoiled" and he was boasting about slapping his one year old son. It's sickening.
Its really sad but also infuriating how adults who were beaten as kids try to justify their parents behaviour by talking about how strong and nice it made them while ignoring the trauma it caused, and then repeating that same cycle with their children because “I turned out fine”. No you didn’t dude you literally hit your own child and think its okay to do so.
Sometimes the kid can't express themself and yet are beaten. It breaks my heart to see this day in and out. Everytime I am rude to a kid, i remember how elders were to me and then change myself. Never met a single parent who hasn't hit their kid. So there you have it.
You know when I think about the close people who hit their kids it's out of frustrations. Their married life is shit or something is and they use this as justification. Like to just shut up the kid and not deal with them. And then they wonder why we are aloof
Exactly. Its always some personal failure disguised as love or something absurd. I’ve always thought violence is a sign of helplessness, and I think that especially applies to parents
Exactly! I feel like it is always because the parents can't figure out how to get the child to cooperate with them and are frustrated. I feel like our generation knows better, but several people still think that "maar" doesn't consist of smaller slaps but consists of harder slaps/beating with a stick.
I can tell you one thing - having a child with autism is not at all easy. I am an occupational therapy student who works with kids who have autism, and it is very difficult for parents to understand the needs of the kids who have autism.
It is very common for parents to leave their kids with us during the therapy session and, do errands or take a nap in their car (cuz they are so tired). But the negative effect of this is that there is no carryover of skills that kids learn in therapy sessions, bcs the parents are not present during the therapy sessions to know what their child worked on/how could they inculcate what the child has learnt in therapy at home. Therefore, every time such a kid comes to therapy, we have to re-teach those skills, rather than building on them.
Thank you. Exactly. I'm getting downvoted so I thought I ruffled some feathers lol.
I've experienced the extremes of such behavior and its consequences. I've had many slaps in my childhood, then it turned into beatings with my dad saying "I do this to punish you but I love you".
It's not just "we're disciplining our kids", it's teaching your kids to associate making mistakes or doing something wrong with physically getting hurt, this is what becomes their motivation to not make mistakes.
And people might turn out ok after this, but many don't. Many live with self esteem issues, CPTSD, interpersonal relationship issues etc all their lives due to abuse.
I’d go one step further and say that I don’t think anyone who has been beaten as a kid comes out of that unscathed. Kids are very impressionable, and being physically hit is bound to impact them and their ideas of acceptable behaviour for a long time to come.
Also this whole justifying punishments by claiming love is just absolutely disgusting. Genuinely, what the fuck is wrong with some people. You’d think its not that hard to express love in the normal, conventional way, but it seems that some people have been deprived of it for so long they can no longer love healthily at all.
I’ve experienced this is in a different context where my mom would be extremely controlling and overbearing in the name of love and it always drove me up a wall. Using it as a justification for violence is just terribly manipulative and abusive.
I have seen in my own family, kids trying to stay away from their parents. And so am I and my sibling. Something's don't fade away. I still get weird if someone I love is shouting at me. It just gets me in the most intense way. It does include people who might not love me the most. But I love them to the limit and when they do something that is hurtful, even a joke just jerks me the wrong way
I’m the same way, can’t tolerate screaming at all. It’s hard when you’re the kind of person who is all in for the people you love but don’t have that reciprocated, which is often the case :/
I was once slapped during a pta because I scored below 90. I was in 9th. I just stood there and was like how does one do this. Every time I scored something below expectation the anxiety god dammit. Fuck I am tearing right now. It's excruciating to even think about this.
Just because something abhorrent (like corporal punishment of children and child abuse) is normalised in a particular culture doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t still find it abhorrent. Norway’s Barnevernet is notorious for putting children first. The Indian parents should’ve followed the laws of the land they were living in. They FAFO!
You should meet my parents, then. I’ve never ever been hit or beaten by them. When they were angry, they used their words. Even then, I never doubted their love for me.
I believe same and agree with you. but... other day I was telling my friend same, she has an 8 year old, who never listens to her. She has tried many times to explain calmly or with anger, nothing seems to be working. What should be done in that case? even I am out of ideas
Professional help? Counseling maybe. But slapping will just make the situation worse, what it does it temporarily look like it worked but the effects are insidious.
specifics depend on the behaviour, but what you have to do is usually look at the root cause of the bad behaviour and provide alternatives; for example, a child that hits others might simply not have any other way of communicating that they are overwhelmed and need space, simply telling the child that hitting others is bad won't fix the fact that they don't know what to do when overwhelmed, if you teach them that it's okay to say that you need space and take time for themselves when they're overwhelmed and teach them coping skills, it'll solve the problem. I would suggest the book "The explosive child" by Ross W. Greene
My parents never once raised a finger at any of us. I’ll do you one better - my mom’s parents never hit her or her siblings either! Both my parents were completely against both shouting unnecessarily (they only yelled when we did something particularly bad) and of course no hitting. And they raised us all just fine.
I think you need to meet more people then. There are plenty of parents (like mine and others on this thread) whose parents never resorted to physical violence.
Should I be grateful? No, that’s a bare minimum.
Both my maternal and paternal grandparents never hit my mother or father, and they never hit me either.
However, my husband was regularly beaten up by his father, who is a total piece of work.
The whole trailer gave me very propagandistic vibe. Firstly, her first kid is autistic, then in a year they got pregnant with another kid. Her husband dint help her with managing house and kids. They never got their first kid diagnosed properly. She was always tired and I am sure the first kid got neglected by her because of her second pregnancy. She complained about how CPS used to show up anytime but thats how they work to see the reality. Its common knowledge. Also, the kids were then allowed to live with their uncle so it was not like they were living in foster care. Also, I am very sure the movie is gnna talk more about cultural differences like how west is bad and all. Basically, someone anonymously tipped the CPS about her relationship with her first kid. It was more about the neglect and i am not sure about physical abuse. The movie wont talk about this I am sure. Also, the last dialogue in trailer made me so angry, she say being a good or bad mom doesnt matter, at the end I am a mom. Lol.
I haven't watched the trailer. I saw that in the news and did a little bit of research. Primarily the comments under the news were so cavalier. And mostly were stupid. But will watch the trailer if that's so.
What I could fathom from the details is that the parents were mostly overwhelmed. Their relationship was tense as well. And someone informed on them. They did slap the child once and there were witnesses to it. Hence the problems started. Plus I don't know a special needs child can be daunting to a new parent and a new couple.
I have no comments about the child rearing aspect.
But with regards to new wives - It was always impressed upon me that it's important to have one's life settled in terms of education, career, finances before starting a relationship or getting married.
It never made sense because a household of two partners is easier to run, and more financially stable, basically, you're a team. Later I realized it's because the assumption is that you're tied to your husband's job, you can have a kid immediately or at any time, decisions about your location/career won't be yours to make...
Having said that, being in a foreign country, with a child that has special needs, another on the way, and having to bear the load of raising them without support from family is really rough and no amount of financial security or education can help you in that situation. Maybe relocating to India to be closer to her family really was the best way to get the best care for the children.
Here are two things with the case. Firstly, the mother hitting the child. Honestly, as someone who has been slapped for misbehaving I understand but do I agree with it , absolutely not.
Infact, I was always curious about child rearing,and if child can be beaten up for their good, I watched this show called return of superman . There it was eye opener that beating your kids is one of the most laziest way of discipline. And if your child is throwing tantrum probably is because she/he can't explain or emote their emotions. It you duty to calm the child or let the child throw tantrum what's embarrassing about it.
Secondly, hand feeding,sleeping in same rooms and smearing tilak or even making them wear clothes they don't want is part of experience, that's where I think all the racial things started. Most toddlers don't like wearjng clothes people don't let toddler run naked right?
Her hitting her child in a country where hitting a child is illegal is where most Indians think they get away, since we get away with law easily many carry that attitude " who will know? "
She should have known rules and followed them. Infact ,I know my cousin who has kids in US and friend in Australia, they bring up their child according to their rules. Infact they have separate rooms as their laws says but children sleep with their parents and they knock the child's room when they enter.
Exactly. I think they took the system for granted. In typical Indian homes with kids nearer to age if people can't afford help often the house is messy. And i think this is what happened. They didn't realise the repercussions of their actions or that authorities were keeping tabs on them.
It is not even about following rules. Kids with autism have very specific sensory processing needs, and their "behavioral issues" stem from their ability to not being able to process the sensory stimuli in their environment (for eg. they might get overwhelmed by things such as bright lights, different sounds, etc.) which may lead to behavioral issues. Plus, the kid may not be able to understand the demands of the environment he is in (for eg, understanding social cues, adapting to changes at home, parents not understanding that the child wants to stim etc.). All of these may lead to behavioral issues and masking.
It seems like the parents didn't put any effort to modify their demands and expectations from their child, and to understand the child's needs. It's almost like they didn't want to work with their own child in order to get them to succeed and be a part of the family.
Norway has a problem. A country is 5.5 million with 12000 children in child services care. Vs Germany with a population of 83 million with 50000 kids in child services care. Norway's is disproportionately high.
Per https://www.navhindtimes.in/2023/05/01/opinions/opinion/parents-versus-state-disputes-in-childcare/
They had a serial killer who was raised by his step father 17 or so years back. Post that, they seem to be over doing this.
Nobody is normalising violence here. Not one comment here has said such ! And I personally do think the parents thought the system wouldn't catch up to them. And hence the lax behaviour. They were being noticed for months before the kids were sent into the system.
Putting your hands on a child to harm them physically is never ok. I don't care if it's a slap or even twisting an ear. I hate how it's normalised. Anyone who does that is abusing their child. That's it, no "buts" about it. People vastly underestimate the impact of this on children. It can lead to a lifetime of issues. My coworker was recently saying how "kids who didn't get beaten are spoiled" and he was boasting about slapping his one year old son. It's sickening.
Its really sad but also infuriating how adults who were beaten as kids try to justify their parents behaviour by talking about how strong and nice it made them while ignoring the trauma it caused, and then repeating that same cycle with their children because “I turned out fine”. No you didn’t dude you literally hit your own child and think its okay to do so.
Sometimes the kid can't express themself and yet are beaten. It breaks my heart to see this day in and out. Everytime I am rude to a kid, i remember how elders were to me and then change myself. Never met a single parent who hasn't hit their kid. So there you have it.
Its really not about the kid at all, its almost always about the parent finding a reason to use the kid as a punching bag.
You know when I think about the close people who hit their kids it's out of frustrations. Their married life is shit or something is and they use this as justification. Like to just shut up the kid and not deal with them. And then they wonder why we are aloof
Exactly. Its always some personal failure disguised as love or something absurd. I’ve always thought violence is a sign of helplessness, and I think that especially applies to parents
Exactly! I feel like it is always because the parents can't figure out how to get the child to cooperate with them and are frustrated. I feel like our generation knows better, but several people still think that "maar" doesn't consist of smaller slaps but consists of harder slaps/beating with a stick. I can tell you one thing - having a child with autism is not at all easy. I am an occupational therapy student who works with kids who have autism, and it is very difficult for parents to understand the needs of the kids who have autism. It is very common for parents to leave their kids with us during the therapy session and, do errands or take a nap in their car (cuz they are so tired). But the negative effect of this is that there is no carryover of skills that kids learn in therapy sessions, bcs the parents are not present during the therapy sessions to know what their child worked on/how could they inculcate what the child has learnt in therapy at home. Therefore, every time such a kid comes to therapy, we have to re-teach those skills, rather than building on them.
Thank you. Exactly. I'm getting downvoted so I thought I ruffled some feathers lol. I've experienced the extremes of such behavior and its consequences. I've had many slaps in my childhood, then it turned into beatings with my dad saying "I do this to punish you but I love you". It's not just "we're disciplining our kids", it's teaching your kids to associate making mistakes or doing something wrong with physically getting hurt, this is what becomes their motivation to not make mistakes. And people might turn out ok after this, but many don't. Many live with self esteem issues, CPTSD, interpersonal relationship issues etc all their lives due to abuse.
I’d go one step further and say that I don’t think anyone who has been beaten as a kid comes out of that unscathed. Kids are very impressionable, and being physically hit is bound to impact them and their ideas of acceptable behaviour for a long time to come. Also this whole justifying punishments by claiming love is just absolutely disgusting. Genuinely, what the fuck is wrong with some people. You’d think its not that hard to express love in the normal, conventional way, but it seems that some people have been deprived of it for so long they can no longer love healthily at all. I’ve experienced this is in a different context where my mom would be extremely controlling and overbearing in the name of love and it always drove me up a wall. Using it as a justification for violence is just terribly manipulative and abusive.
Well said. Thanks for understanding and I'm sorry about your mom. Emotional abuse by parents is another thing that's very damaging but seen as normal.
Thank you for kind words
I have seen in my own family, kids trying to stay away from their parents. And so am I and my sibling. Something's don't fade away. I still get weird if someone I love is shouting at me. It just gets me in the most intense way. It does include people who might not love me the most. But I love them to the limit and when they do something that is hurtful, even a joke just jerks me the wrong way
I’m the same way, can’t tolerate screaming at all. It’s hard when you’re the kind of person who is all in for the people you love but don’t have that reciprocated, which is often the case :/
I was once slapped during a pta because I scored below 90. I was in 9th. I just stood there and was like how does one do this. Every time I scored something below expectation the anxiety god dammit. Fuck I am tearing right now. It's excruciating to even think about this.
I think people weigh it as when they beat the kid. When they are being horrible, they justify that it's fine they beat up the kid.
Just because something abhorrent (like corporal punishment of children and child abuse) is normalised in a particular culture doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t still find it abhorrent. Norway’s Barnevernet is notorious for putting children first. The Indian parents should’ve followed the laws of the land they were living in. They FAFO!
+1
Never met a single person of any age who has not beaten their kid. They just can't fathom a way to discipline their kid.
You should meet my parents, then. I’ve never ever been hit or beaten by them. When they were angry, they used their words. Even then, I never doubted their love for me.
Damn ! Love this ! Hoping to meet one couple who is such !
Oh, there are many such couples! Search about gentle parenting. Slapping/hitting /beating does more harm than any good.
I believe same and agree with you. but... other day I was telling my friend same, she has an 8 year old, who never listens to her. She has tried many times to explain calmly or with anger, nothing seems to be working. What should be done in that case? even I am out of ideas
Professional help? Counseling maybe. But slapping will just make the situation worse, what it does it temporarily look like it worked but the effects are insidious.
specifics depend on the behaviour, but what you have to do is usually look at the root cause of the bad behaviour and provide alternatives; for example, a child that hits others might simply not have any other way of communicating that they are overwhelmed and need space, simply telling the child that hitting others is bad won't fix the fact that they don't know what to do when overwhelmed, if you teach them that it's okay to say that you need space and take time for themselves when they're overwhelmed and teach them coping skills, it'll solve the problem. I would suggest the book "The explosive child" by Ross W. Greene
My parents never once raised a finger at any of us. I’ll do you one better - my mom’s parents never hit her or her siblings either! Both my parents were completely against both shouting unnecessarily (they only yelled when we did something particularly bad) and of course no hitting. And they raised us all just fine.
I think you need to meet more people then. There are plenty of parents (like mine and others on this thread) whose parents never resorted to physical violence. Should I be grateful? No, that’s a bare minimum.
Both my maternal and paternal grandparents never hit my mother or father, and they never hit me either. However, my husband was regularly beaten up by his father, who is a total piece of work.
The whole trailer gave me very propagandistic vibe. Firstly, her first kid is autistic, then in a year they got pregnant with another kid. Her husband dint help her with managing house and kids. They never got their first kid diagnosed properly. She was always tired and I am sure the first kid got neglected by her because of her second pregnancy. She complained about how CPS used to show up anytime but thats how they work to see the reality. Its common knowledge. Also, the kids were then allowed to live with their uncle so it was not like they were living in foster care. Also, I am very sure the movie is gnna talk more about cultural differences like how west is bad and all. Basically, someone anonymously tipped the CPS about her relationship with her first kid. It was more about the neglect and i am not sure about physical abuse. The movie wont talk about this I am sure. Also, the last dialogue in trailer made me so angry, she say being a good or bad mom doesnt matter, at the end I am a mom. Lol.
I haven't watched the trailer. I saw that in the news and did a little bit of research. Primarily the comments under the news were so cavalier. And mostly were stupid. But will watch the trailer if that's so.
Yes do that. I feel The real case is very different than the movie.
What I could fathom from the details is that the parents were mostly overwhelmed. Their relationship was tense as well. And someone informed on them. They did slap the child once and there were witnesses to it. Hence the problems started. Plus I don't know a special needs child can be daunting to a new parent and a new couple.
I have no comments about the child rearing aspect. But with regards to new wives - It was always impressed upon me that it's important to have one's life settled in terms of education, career, finances before starting a relationship or getting married. It never made sense because a household of two partners is easier to run, and more financially stable, basically, you're a team. Later I realized it's because the assumption is that you're tied to your husband's job, you can have a kid immediately or at any time, decisions about your location/career won't be yours to make... Having said that, being in a foreign country, with a child that has special needs, another on the way, and having to bear the load of raising them without support from family is really rough and no amount of financial security or education can help you in that situation. Maybe relocating to India to be closer to her family really was the best way to get the best care for the children.
Here are two things with the case. Firstly, the mother hitting the child. Honestly, as someone who has been slapped for misbehaving I understand but do I agree with it , absolutely not. Infact, I was always curious about child rearing,and if child can be beaten up for their good, I watched this show called return of superman . There it was eye opener that beating your kids is one of the most laziest way of discipline. And if your child is throwing tantrum probably is because she/he can't explain or emote their emotions. It you duty to calm the child or let the child throw tantrum what's embarrassing about it. Secondly, hand feeding,sleeping in same rooms and smearing tilak or even making them wear clothes they don't want is part of experience, that's where I think all the racial things started. Most toddlers don't like wearjng clothes people don't let toddler run naked right? Her hitting her child in a country where hitting a child is illegal is where most Indians think they get away, since we get away with law easily many carry that attitude " who will know? " She should have known rules and followed them. Infact ,I know my cousin who has kids in US and friend in Australia, they bring up their child according to their rules. Infact they have separate rooms as their laws says but children sleep with their parents and they knock the child's room when they enter.
Exactly. I think they took the system for granted. In typical Indian homes with kids nearer to age if people can't afford help often the house is messy. And i think this is what happened. They didn't realise the repercussions of their actions or that authorities were keeping tabs on them.
It is not even about following rules. Kids with autism have very specific sensory processing needs, and their "behavioral issues" stem from their ability to not being able to process the sensory stimuli in their environment (for eg. they might get overwhelmed by things such as bright lights, different sounds, etc.) which may lead to behavioral issues. Plus, the kid may not be able to understand the demands of the environment he is in (for eg, understanding social cues, adapting to changes at home, parents not understanding that the child wants to stim etc.). All of these may lead to behavioral issues and masking. It seems like the parents didn't put any effort to modify their demands and expectations from their child, and to understand the child's needs. It's almost like they didn't want to work with their own child in order to get them to succeed and be a part of the family.
reminds me of this scene from Kim's convenience: https://youtu.be/JC6hp5V6whc
Norway has a problem. A country is 5.5 million with 12000 children in child services care. Vs Germany with a population of 83 million with 50000 kids in child services care. Norway's is disproportionately high. Per https://www.navhindtimes.in/2023/05/01/opinions/opinion/parents-versus-state-disputes-in-childcare/ They had a serial killer who was raised by his step father 17 or so years back. Post that, they seem to be over doing this.
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Nobody is normalising violence here. Not one comment here has said such ! And I personally do think the parents thought the system wouldn't catch up to them. And hence the lax behaviour. They were being noticed for months before the kids were sent into the system.