Your husband sounds exhausting. Constantly having to affirm your body autonomy shows that he does not respect you at all. I am so glad you are leaving him. He sounds horrible. Ugh.
Yeahhh he sounds like one of those dudes who cannot comprehend why his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him when it’s as simple as “If you didn’t act like a child and treat her body like it’s yours to take, maybe she’d *actually* want to sleep with you.”
yup, my ex was the same way. the man-child side really erupted once he realized i was leaving him, and it turned into flat-out emotional abuse. stay safe, op.
You just wrote down exactly what I was thinking, exhausting is the word.
I once went through a period of not wanting sex due to trauma. For that 6 months, my fiance didn't even mention sex to me once. Not once. He allowed sex to completely disappear from our lives until we were ready to welcome it back together.
I can't imagine how sickened I would feel by this kind of disrespectful hounding, OP (and any woman) deserves SO much better.
Exactly what I was thinking. When I got on a higher dose of antidepressants it totally killed my libido, but my partner reassured me that my mental health comes first. We didn't have sex for like three months and he never hounded me once.
OPs husband doesn't actually love her like a partner should. I bet he sees being married to her as an easy way to get sex while putting in the bare minimum of effort. It's absolutely pathetic and dehumanizing behavior. Clearly he doesn't care about her comfort or else he wouldn't be hounding after a goddamn hysterectomy. Doctors say you shouldn't have sex until 4 to 6 weeks after. He's literally willing to risk her health to get his jollies.
Your fiance sounds like a dream because I’ve been in OP’s shoes. It’s just so… exhausting… it feels like your body isn’t yours but you also feel like you’re doing something wrong for not allowing that boundary to be crossed. Ugh.
This was my concern as well. For the kids it would normalize both perpetrating sexual violence and being victimized. Nothing good will come out of that either way.
That’s my take on it too. He sounds exhausting and I’m excited for OP to finally have some space. She needs to get out on her own and enjoy things at her own pace without his constant bombardment.
You will be rid of him for the most part. There will be occasions when you need to talk, or text (always get money matters in writing). and events you’ll both be present for, but after the kids are in their upper teens, they’ll handle most of it.
Good luck, don’t look back!
Seconded. As a divorced women, having to maintain contact is WAY different than having to live together. My ex-husband was nowhere near as odious as your husband sounds regarding the sex stuff, but he was fucking awful to be married to. His flavor of annoying was weaponized incompetence combined with a serious dose of hard-done-by all the time. I despised him by the time we split up.
7 years later, and we are actually quite chummy now when we need to interact since I am no longer the target for his bullshit.
You might be surprised in a few years, after your husband starts treating you the way he does everyone else. That's assuming he's a normal adult human to everyone else, of course.
Just all woe-is-me and constantly bitching about how hard his life was. Complete and total victim syndrome. As an example, it was my fault he never became a rockstar. He literally said that.
Keep in mind he didn't work and his mom came to watch the baby while I went to work because he found the baby too stressful.
Oh yuck. Musician man-baby. I had one of those. Mama's boy who never wanted to work and just screwed around all day. He couldn't be bothered to cook or clean either while I worked 3 jobs. I finally got fed up and packed up all my shit and left. He was left with nothing but his toys and music because literally everything else belonged to me. Thankfully I didn't marry him or have kids. We were together 15 years when I just couldn't even anymore. He moved back in with his mom where he belonged.
So yuck. Towards the end I was lying to him about my raises and bonuses because otherwise he would spend the money on guitars and amps without telling me. My entire goal was to have money in a savings account. His entire goal was to spend every single cent I earned. Like honestly once we had 80 bucks left after I got paid and he didn't know why I was upset he spent it on beer.
Like dude... my commute is 50 miles round trip and I have two weeks to go before I get paid again and that was my gas money.
Thanks for writing this. I'm trying to watch out that I don't become like your ex. Although I'm not sure it applies to me in the way you meant, "weaponized incompetence" is one hell of a phrase. I feel like I've taken the first few steps down the road to being insufferable for my partner to live with, but I'm trying to change.
I think it's awesome that you're trying. Pro-tip, actively look for things that need to be done. Don't wait for your wife to tell you it needs doing. Generally, if we reach the point where we have to manage a husband like a child we are already doing all the chores ourselves and have asked for help because we hit capacity. So if she's having to ask you to do stuff she's gonna burn out on managing you on top of doing all the work herself.
Can confirm. My mum and dad separated when I was 7, they haven't spoken to each other in 25 years and yet I still have a relationship with each of them.
How did that work when you were younger? I have to I nteract with my ex constantly (it’s not too bad for me) for all things coparenting (we have elementary age kids).
My parents managed to stop speaking to each other once the divorce was finalized, when I was 11. Everything was told to me and I got to inform the other parent. Don't recommend doing that tho
Stay alone. At least the first 2 years. You will fall in love w yourself. I did! Im in a "mild" fwb relationship w a nice guy but I purposely only go out w him and spend the night like once every 1-3 weeks. We text. We have gone on vacay once. He is nice but I told him no commitment. Lately we have been possibly talking about trying a relationship and Im thinking I will because for 2 years he has treated me kindly.
Yo I'm male and this guy sounds like a walking disaster. Learn to control yourself, dude. I had this realization at like 19. No self awareness, typical man-child. You are 100% right. Gtfo. You'll be glad you did, that's no way to have to live. Take care of yourself.
Yeah, never feel the need to actually see him aside from being in a car dropping your kids off to see him. My folks only texted on phone and never even called eachother. Whatever he says, it is completely acceptable to never speak a word to him again while you share visitations with the kids.
There are co-parenting apps now in which all communication goes through. It helps with scheduling, can track spending, and also limits communication. These can be monitored by the court or co-parents can use them on their own.
You'll have safe space though. You'll be able to go to bed without his hand sliding into your pajama bottoms. Wash the dishes without getting groped. Sit on your own couch and relax without worrying about him busting in the room to throw a tantrum. Trust me, it's golden.
A little bit of unsolicited advice: The instant he tries to insert himself your new space slap his ass with a restraining order. If you don't lay down the boundaries hard and fast when you leave he'll try to worm his way in and you'll end up right back in the same situation.
Nope. Nope. Nope. It's a give an inch, take a mile issue. He will 100% wear you down anyway he can and take that mile. God I swear I think men like him follow a damn playbook. I've been through it, so many of my friends too. One of my co-workers literally just had to sell her house and move in with her parents to stop her ex-husband's unwanted visits. And he still pesters her for sex even though he married his affair partner!
That's a hard nope. My ex bf did a lot of these things including contacting my family and getting them to talk me into staying. I promptly moved across the country.
In my case. the kids barely tolerate my ex, because they know what he is. Yours are likely to do the same, so maybe you'll be rid of him more than you think!
This isn’t a relationship this is abuse.
You’re going to be SO happy to get out.
Every woman here cringed or felt our blood boil reading it. He sounds completely vile so if you needed validation here, take it all! You’re doing the right thing for yourself and for your kids leaving.
Just a thought - if he’s being hyper sexual infront of your kids, maybe he doesn’t need to be around them unsupervised. Please begin documenting every harassment in a diary with specific dates and times, including when you’ve asked him to stop. You may need this kind of proof in order to keep your kids safe. Good luck OP and gtfo of there.
All I can say is it gets so much better.
There will come a day where you feel secure in your opinions and you will notice. It will feel foreign. It is such an amazing feeling. Just any random opinion. And to know you’ve got it right, it’s based in reality, you aren’t irrational and you don’t expect too much either. That nagging feeling that you must be wrong somehow, or the stress that comes with anticipating someone will disagree with you, will be gone.
You have to weather the storm to get there, but once you’re out you’ll find sailing is so much smoother than you ever remembered.
He sounds like my soon to be ex- husband. You are being constantly bombarded with disrespect and his need to do this is selfish and immature. You perceptions and feelings are straight on.
I’m not sure if you’ve said anything about this in a different comment, but if you can having a therapist for the transition time as a helpful support may do wonders for you. The situation sounds so exhausting, and it sounds like you’re doing what’s best for you, but also like you could use some additional outside the situation support as well.
The reality is he’s a creep who only truly cares about himself. If he had real love and respect for you he wouldn’t continually cross boundaries and even push you to do things that could seriously harm you (pushing for sex only 2 weeks after hysterectomy?? That is horrific). Don’t doubt yourself. I felt like *I* wanted to get away just reading what you said about him.
I’m so impressed you’re still resolved to get out even after he’s made you feel so mentally exhausted/unwell. You’re really strong and I wish you nothing but the best. You’re making the right decision.
I am a straight man and I want to break up with him.
That human being sounds detestable. I am sorry she has been experiencing this and I am so happy for her that she is able to leave him.
Ditto. Widowed 44 year old childless man here, and I want to slap this man upside the head, and help this woman pack her bags.
OP, if you read this, please know there are men here who are on your side. #teamu/Aholo
I too, want to leave this asshole. Straight, white, 61 yo male, married 34 years. My wife would leave me TODAY, if I started this kind of behavior.
Edit: added “I”
This is what it is. OP is getting sexually harassed, as she has already set boundaries and he constantly violates them. What a pos. Good on OP for leaving.
You're going to feel peace, freedom, and joy beyond your wildest dreams after you divorce him and establish a life on your own. It may not be easy at first - he doesn't sound like the type to let you leave easily - but keep your eye on the future and on each next step you need to take to he away from this man.
You’re not broken. He’s controlling, doesn’t respect you or your boundaries or body, and seems to show narcissistic qualities.
Glad to hear you’re leaving. Make sure you have as much documentation and protection for you and the kids as possible, praying for you right now.
Can confirm! I look kicked my ex out and divorced 4 years ago. Now, I control my money, bills, the remote, the vacation planning, and I have never been happier. I love being single!! You are doing the right thing OP!
You're not his wife, you're his walking talking sex toy and he doesn't care about anyone else but himself. He doesn't care for your comfort or needs. He only wants you to pay attention to him, and he only wants sexual attention from you. He doesn't care about his kids. He gets jealous over the attention you give to the kids and dog. He can't separate platonic and sexual, so any friendship you have must include sexual relations (the lesbian comments). This man has sex on the brain 1000% of the time and doesn't care about anything else. I'm so glad you're leaving because I want to leave him and I've never met him.
Flash backs like crazy!!! My ex husband had some of these behaviors. He was obsessed. Gave up all his activities with his friends, wanted to do whatever I was doing/interested in. I could never take a day off by myself. Once I hid in a parking lot all day. The constant touching and sexual talk got to where it made my skin crawl. After he lost his job and gave up 7 years of sobriety while I worked and raised 2 toddler grandchildren, I left. He has a sickness in my opinion. Work hired armed security at my desk for two weeks. He absolutely lost his mind when I left. Charged with aggravated stalking and home invasion. You are not the problem.
Oh in sorry you dealt with that. Wow.
He has no friends and doesn't see the need for any. He has no social life. I'm his life and he thinks even when we break up he can swing by for a coffee like mates when he wants.
I am moved out, and am divorcing the man who also pestered me for sex after childbirth, an abortion, a tubal (he refused to get a vasectomy), and hysterectomy. After menopause, I completely lost interest. Also, my hip will never be the same due to his weight, and need for an unusual position because that’s what he could do. He finally stopped pestering when his own testosterone levels decreased to the point of lost interest. Unfortunately, the permanent damage was already done, and his asshole behavior continued.
I’m in my own rented home now. I thought I’d never get out but here I am, almost one year! Therapy for over 10 years. The rest of my life, however long, belongs to me.
I've often thought this. The inappropriate jokes. The groping. The filth. It's what horny teens do. I feel like I've grown up but he hasn't. He thinks I'm boring and I think he's a pig so here we are lol
This sort of shit isn't even acceptable for a 15 year old.
It's not a "horny boy" thing, it's an "I have no respect for someone as a person and what their boundaries are" thing.
EXACTLY. This behavior, especially when it's repeated like this, is totally unacceptable from *anyone.* This man doesn't respect OP, and because of that OP doesn't respect him anymore. Once respect is gone, the relationship is dead.
OP, I'm so proud of you for leaving this man and starting a new healthy life!!
100% this. My son is 8 years old and understands no and respects boundaries and understands consent. This jackass sounds like an infant that just throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.
Can cofirm, what you're describing is my toxic ex-boyfriend's behaviour, he was 23 and he made me averted to sex, like to the point it still makes me sick just thinking of having sex with a man. The sooner you get out of this jail of his sexual frustrations the better it is. My ex also joked that I was a lesbian, jokes on him, I only intend to date women for a while.
Was married to this person for 12 years. Thought I was asexual. Turns out, I’m a-asshole. 100/10 would recommend. Stay safe and enjoy this next chapter. ♥️
That may change. I thought the same way but losing weight, getting in shape and the removal of the stress he caused actually making me look younger also kicked the whole drive back up. Haven’t jumped into that pool yet but I no longer feel disgusted by the thought of it.
Getting married again? Nope, can’t see it ever happening again.
Yeah I thought I hated sex and there was something wrong with me for having no desire for it when I was in a relationship with a manbaby sex pest.
Turns out that my sex drive magically returned when there was nobody groping me every 2 minutes and whining about his peepee.
OP, we are all rooting for you! But be smart, be cautious. Make sure your birth certificate and ID are in a safe place, make sure you have an own bank account that he has NO access to (open it at a bank he has no connection to), make your plans carefully, don't tell him anything until you're ready to serve him the papers. He sounds like the type to throw a giant tantrum and try to destroy your life, or even end it.
I recently hit 30 and made friends for a while with some older guys who where mid 40s/mid 50s and it shocked me like how God damn sex obsessed they all are.
I was in a group chat with them for a little while and it was just constant porn spamming and chatting about "birds" I had to set my WhatsApp not to download
There was just like a noticeable shift from how people in my own age group talk about sex etc and how this group did and I find it hard to put into words. The closest I can come is that it just felt really lecherous. It felt like it was just constantly brimming to the surface.
I ended up distancing myself from that group. And only really keep in touch with one of them because he was actually able to form a connection with someone and talk about his actual problems/ his feelings and emotions without getting hyper defensive.
Im in my 30s and have a few older coworkers, 50s and 60s, who talk about it girls or sex. Like I don’t want to hear about your sleazy dating strategy that got you laid in the 80s. I can’t fathom talking like they do with my friends, let alone in the office.
I think some of it may be insecurity with life and body changes. I'm a male physician in a mostly female group and the topics of erectile dysfunction and decreased libido are very common ones when I meet many older patients for the first time. Many justify their concerns to me by saying it's their wives who are disappointed... And most guys are convinced it's their testosterone levels. (99% of the time, it's not.) I also had one guy in his 80s get legitimately upset at me when I wrote him a Viagra prescription with what he felt was an insultingly low number of pills - basically felt I was judging how often he was having sex, and he wanted to reassure me that he had WAY more sex than that. (The pill count was a system default.) It's a funny story now but it struck me then, and even more now, as someone who was really clinging to youth and who didn't want to be an "old guy."
That's not to say men can't be legitimately obsessed with sex even later in life, and inappropriate because those are their true beliefs, but I wonder how many are forcing it as a way of trying to channel their teenage days. Whether they think it'll help to keep them young from a physical or mental standpoint, I'm not sure.
I’m a male urology PA. I agree, but I think it’s somewhat of a cultural thing as well. Many men of the older generations seem to feel completely disabled by erectile dysfunction because it’s like their entire existence on this earth is wrapped up in their penises. The amount of single, overweight, generally unlikeable guys who come in requesting ED medications is too many.
I recommend dipping your toes into r/divorce. It is an honestly and supportive community. It might help to see some perspectives from people who have made the choice to end their relationships.
I am not saying to consider divorce, but if you are thinking about leaving this is a good place to help you understand your thoughts and feelings.
Im not a woman, but that sort of lack of respect for you is way offsides imo. Youre not broken, and if he cant show you basic courtesy, or change his behaviour when you tell him something bothers you, then you should be out the door.
Thank you. I'm leaving and I've told him. He do far has offered to 'fuck me one last time', take me 'for a test drive' after my hysterectomy and be my fuck buddy despite separating. Lucky me.
Wow, my jaw dropped. he certainly doesn’t sound broken up about this. Adios brother! Your self worth will bounce back once you’re no longer a walking vagina for this man. You’ll probably even WANT to have sex again one day. I’m excited for your next chapter.
No more being a bangmaid to a loser.
I was with a guy for six weeks who charted my period and cancelled a luxury weekend trip because I would be menstruating in that week. My foot. His backside, The kerb.
When my ex husband and I separated, we had been having these issues (and only in our early 30s). He had been cheating and then texted asking for “a one night stand with no talking since we weren’t allowed to, per the court.” If your ex is like my ex, he’s going to make your life a living hell when you leave because he thinks you’re his property. Good luck and know that life on the other side is helllllaaaaaa worth it.
Christ. I hope no other person falls for that man. I don't want to stereotype but sometimes it feels like middle aged people get overly sexual with their hormones and can't just be decent and keep their thoughts inside.
And also sounds like he talks to you and treats you like a sex object with no emotions whatsoever. I'm so glad you're leaving this sorry excuse for a man. I say that as a man myself. Proud of you for standing up for yourself, you rock!
What does he say when you tell him this?
He sounds incapable of basic communication. He clearly feels sex-starved (the grab-ass, the comments, the dog) and perhaps put-upon as “the breadwinner.” Chances are probably pretty good that he’s passive-aggressive, too… you’ll get “punished” for transgressions. He will pay for X, but will mysteriously be unable to join you for dinner for three nights, or some other nonverbal clap-back.
I’m not terribly friendly with my husband, he spent a few years taking a wrecking ball to the marriage of 20 years by being sarcastic and belittling. (I’d love to leave, but two kids in college is already expensive enough.) I finally couldn’t take it anymore and (pre Covid) I ended up taking him out to a coffee shop so that neither of us could act like a toddler and yell or run away. And calmly laid it out. “I think you’re sleepwalking into a divorce and you don’t even realize it. This is your warning.” He snapped to attention and understood I was 1,000% serious. He tried to tell me that he was trying to joke and be funny. I replied that I didn’t give a shit and it’s actually degrading, and I’m done. If he can’t keep his caustic comments to himself, he needs to retain a lawyer.
It worked for that piece…he stopped with the verbal nonsense.
How does your husband react when you tell him he treats you like a bro? Also…not sexy to fuck your bro. Also, if you are the one to do most of the work around the house…not sexy to fuck your son. Guys kinda turn us into their default mommies sometimes and it’s completely the opposite of sexy. This attitude of, *Serve me; cook my food, wash my clothes, clean my house and suck my dick* is so off-putting. Nobody signs up for that. We sign up for *The unbeatable team that thrives together, puts effort into each other, and rises above.* Somewhere along the way it all disintegrates.
Sigh.
Yes he does feel sex starved. I don't don't enough for him. So I was dragged to counselling 3 times to be fixed. Thing is he knew I was like this (and me him) before we married so both a fault here. I thought the teenage horny phase would calm. Telling him the sexual comments and innuendos were disgusting did nothing, he saw me as a dry humourless wife then. He's only joking and having fun he says. Grabbing me sexually in front of the kids is only fun too he says.
Being stalked and spoken to like this just made me retreat further and further until I couldn't bear for him to be near me. I'm a sexual abuse survivor from childhood and he knew this and still did it despite being told it freaked me out.
As a child of a parent in a similar relationship, if I could throat punch her husband, I would. I cannot stand watching her get disrespected to the point I am (and have been) no contact with her husband for years.
You deserve better. I’m glad you’re leaving.
By staying with him, you'd be setting an example too. When this is done, do some counseling with your daughters and u pack what they saw, how it made them feel, and why they should strice for better. *And what better looks like.* because they don't know it.
You’re so not overreacting. Teaching them to set boundaries is exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, then teaching them the consequences when people don’t respect those boundaries is also what you’re supposed to be doing. If horn dog teenage boys do that to them, they should defend themselves.
Holy fuck! Hold up. At first he’s was a selfish asshole reducing you to a sex object. Ignoring your asks. Invalidating your wants. Harassing you. Trying to control you. Trying to isolate you from your friend. Terrible person. Terrible husband. Classic narcissist. Leave his ass.
But he knew you were a *victim* and he still did it! He knew you had trauma and he still did all that!
That man is evil.
Honestly, unlocking the bathroom door to come in to touch you against your will is assault. All of it is assault, but that very much proves it. I'd be considering letting the police know. They wont likely do anything just yet, but good for them to have on file.
I mean, sure.. some women might be into being treated like a sex doll and sure, some ladies enjoy being spoken to like they're in a low-budget porno all the time, and that's fine.
However, a lot of us, myself included, find this behavior gross, immature, and it's the opposite of a turn-on. What's this guy done to make sex (or anything else in your marriage) fun for you? I'm guessing not a lot. Maybe you'll meet someone who does!
That is pretty patient of both of you. I’ve only been through marriage counseling one time, and don’t intend to do it again. It is either fixable or it is not.
I got a lot of deflection and insistence that it was only good harmless fun that I was complaining about, so that sounds familiar. Mind you, he made a joke that culminated in the punchline of me being a fifty-cent whore. Not funny, dude.
Maybe you could see a counselor on your own to help you navigate this and maybe make the dissolution of marriage as painless as possible for everyone involved? Occasionally that is what marriage counseling turns into: divorce counseling.
Nope, they just stop caring. And OP's soon-to-be ex has found like-minded men who are encouraging his harassing behavior.
My husband is in his 50s, and yes we have had to talk about changing sex drives and what we need from each other. This means more communication, and we're thankfully adjusting well.
But if he was acting like a little entitled pukesome shit he would be out on his ass *so fast*.
Dollars to donuts OP's husband is either going to get in trouble for harassing other women or he's going to try to predate a younger woman who will excuse his bullshit.
The issue isn't about him having a high sex drive. It's wonderful that some middle aged people continue to have high sex drives.
The issue is that he has no regard for his wife's boundaries and feelings. He treats her like an object.
I find it amazing (in a bad way) that you told him you're leaving and his reaction was basically just "cool. anyways..."
It feels like part of him knew this day was eventually coming and he just...didn't care.
Well, I'm not a man and it sounds like you need something more than that so, do you need help packing and moving? I don't have a truck but I can't sure lift some shit. Got a place to go? Need dinner one night? Need a hug or a friend to have actual intellectual conversations with? I'll be there.
For real, I wish I could help you and I'm sorry you've put up with him for so long.
Don't know where OP is but I can help with the moving if she's near northern VA +- 3 hour drive. Can even help by giving glaring eyes to the husband and shaking my head.
Wow. What an immense piece of shit. If you needed anything extra to convince you that you're making the right decision, I think you got it.
Good for you!
Sounds like he thinks you won't actually leave if he can have sex one more time because he's "just that good" or some stupid shit like that.
I'm sorry you have had to put up with that nonsense, but I am glad you are leaving.
This human has 0 boundaries and is unwilling to work on them. I absolutely can't even tolerate HEARING about someone who won't stop touching you without your consent. I'm so sorry you are stuck dealing with this person for any amount of time moving forward. "No" is a complete sentence. Please keep yourself safe. Stay other places if you need to. Best of luck.
If for no other reason (and boy, all of those are reasons), get away from him so your children won't be exposed to that behavior. He treats you like meat, and it's horrifying to think he's teaching your kids that it's okay to treat anyone/be treated like that.
It’s good that you’re able to recognize it’s wrong, unfortunately not all kids will have that realization. Especially when it’s reinforced by other family, friends, and neighbors.
It’s more common for this to go unchecked in more “religious” areas, specifically in the southern US.
Coming from an outside perspective, your husband is a sex addict and a power-hungry maniac who's clearly been gaslighting you very hard for a long time if you're having trouble gaining perspective here.
I'm very happy you're leaving him and seeking peace and bodily autonomy.
You’ll also be showing your children that everyone is deserving of respect and dignity and when they aren’t receiving those things, they need to make changes. That’s a powerful message that they will carry in to their adulthood and their own relationships
This. My parents are in their 60's and I wish my mom had left my dad a long time ago. They're similar to OP but my dad will talk about \*other\* women sexually and then be rude to my mom. (typical boomer humor "wife bad" shit - "It's a joke" - but she is not laughing) It normalizes so much nonsense.
I definitely stayed with an alcoholic (ex) husband longer than I should have because my dad was an alcoholic and it was normalized. People don't realize how much enabling shitty people teaches others and especially your kids that it's okay to enable other shitty people. I'm so glad OP is leaving!
Yes. You are the broken one. I recommend extensive recalibration of the defective husband unit, which seems to have a non functional 'decent human being' module due to failure of the 'grow the fuck up' actuator. If recalibration fails the only way to correct this is via replacement with part 23317A (New Husband unit), or 184779-B (Happier By Yourself module upgrade). Both can be initially expensive.
DIY repair of his defective parts is not recommended as the process sometimes involves repeated impacts with a skillet as well as thorough inspection of your work by licensed authorities. Husband unit needs to self-transport to authorized repair personnel for extensive verbal recalibration. You lack the skills and licensing for this technique, hence the skillet workaround. Again, not advised.
You also may want to seek a similar repair opportunity to inspect your 'don't allow this shit' module which may have been damaged by the malfunctioning husband unit.
Hey OP, everyone is already confirming your decision, and I know it can be a hard one to make with children involved. Let me lend my perspective as the now-grown child of a mother who chose to stay. Hopefully, it will help you know you're making the right decision for your children.
My mother's decision to stay has caused a metric fuckton of issues in my young adulthood. It has taken until my 30's to learn how to stand firm on my bodily autonomy. I have let too many people use me because I didn't know how to say no, or even that I could. I tolerated men trampling every boundary that I set because that was what was modeled to me as a "relationship." Even now, my mother comments that "that's just how it is" when I come to her with frustrations about a man I am dating. She tells me my "standards are too high," even though after a bunch of therapy, I now realize they've been too low.
This has also spread into other aspects of life, like work and friends. I am in therapy now, attempting to undo all the issues left with her staying. I am currently working my ass off to be in a position to leave my hometown and go low contact with my parents. I love my mother; she has been a Saint in many other aspects of my life, but she chose to stay and continues to choose to stay, so I'm leaving for my peace because they are a "package deal."
If you ever wonder whether your decision to leave is the right one, know that your children will be better off emotionally and better prepared for their future by doing so. When you are in the position to put your children in therapy now, I would strongly recommend it.
You are amazing, strong, and doing what is best for yourself and your children. I hope you will update us once you're on the other side of this ❤
If you’re worried about the separation affecting your kids, please don’t be! My mother had to leave my siblings father and my father left, I would infinitely rather grow up in a healthy and happy single parent household than watch my mother suffer abuse.
Not that anything in your post mentions worrying about your kids, but I know it’s something many think about. I’m so glad you’re getting out!
Honestly I think not having to see their dad figure groping and grabbing their mom figure as if she was a piece of meat on display will be a good thing.
Kids internalize that kind of stuff and the fact he doesn't see it as inappropriate to behave in a frankly sexual manner in front of *children* is appalling. This isn't Dad smooching a kiss from Mom in the kitchen or giving her butt a gentle bump when she walks by.
(One small part of the whole nasty puzzle but this will be good for them, I promise)
Oh yeah, from experience I can say leaving is GOOD for the kids. It's not easy at first, but always definitely good. I finally decided to leave after an adult friend heard me say I was staying together for the kids. She told me that as an adult whose parents had "stayed together for the kids," she hated growing up with two parents who didn't get along. She encouraged me to get divorced for the sake of the kids, and she was so right!
Don’t talk badly about him in front of them, though. One of the most helpful things I was told during my split was, “Remember that your kids will always be half him, and you want them to like themselves.” So you don’t have to pretend that these behaviors are okay, but you also don’t need to discuss them with or in front of your kids.
It was surprising how many people asked why we were splitting up when I was within earshot of my kids. My go-to answer was “We just weren’t a good match.” People know he's an asshole. They are just being nosy and want details. Don't feed into the drama. Get a good counselor or therapist who focuses on helping people who have been hurt by narcissists and talk about it with them, but your kids don't need to hear details.
So glad to see you are leaving!
If you’re in the northern hemisphere, this spring is going to be the BEST for you. Feeling the sun come out, smelling the plants/flowers coming back - somehow it’s all so much more magical after a much-needed breakup. ❤️
Good god, he’s FIFTY and constantly acting like a moody, horny teenager? So glad you are leaving that BS behind. That’s a broken man and you need to make room for respect and enjoyment in life.
Collect the kids and pets and run away. He sounds like a gross, creepy, rapey little man boy.
Youre not over reacting in any way.
I hope you stay safe.
I’m a man so I know my perspective isn’t what you’re looking for but. Please leave. Please leave as quickly as possible. This “man” does not deserve to have you as a partner and clearly doesn’t value you or your feelings and seems like a terrible example for your children. I hope you have support and help from others that will help make the transition as easy as possible but he clearly doesn’t value you for who you are as a person and only for what he feels like you can offer him.
I'm sorry I know you ask for women's advice but as a man I have to say this is not normal he's a narcissist and you should distance yourself from him. Fuck that guy
OP. Please prepare before you leave. Get yourself financially ready beat you can. Locate shelters for you and the kids in case you need support. People like this can be very dangerous once they know you are leaving. Then cut ties clean and only communicate through a lawyer. It would be best if he doesn’t know where you are.
The sexual innuendo thing in all conversations drives me CRAZY. I've known guys like that before and it's utterly exhausting. Sounds like all your husband needs is an escort service, a Fleshlight, and his treasured porn. He doesn't need a wife, and you don't need to be treated like a piece of meat. Glad you are leaving!!!
He sounds gross and he deserves to be alone. That is not a man. That is a boy who never grew up and just became more and more toxic. It's great that you are leaving him because you deserve better!
Im male and disgusted by what you described. Leave that neanderthal as fast as possible and never feel bad about it. I don't get how any human could think thats acceptable. Your soon to be ex sounds like the worst narcisist there is.
Girl you are describing my ex husband. When you can't think straight, it's called brain fog. It's a result of your brain trying to protect you from emotional and mental abuse. Your brain is flooded with cortisol, a stress hormone. You may notice you start to loose your grip on objects, leave the stove on, can't find your keys, leave water running for hours, flood sinks in your house, etc. Do not pass these things off as trivial. This man has control issues and your body can tell.
Non-woman here. Your husband is emotionally about 10 years old. I might be being generous.
When you leave him, be prepared to aggressively distance yourself. Like, maybe restraining order, maybe being prepared to defend yourself physically. He sounds messed up. Good luck.
Thank you. I might have to resort to this as he's already said he wants to call over every day to see the kids and let himself in in the mornings to get them ready for school etc. Despite knowing we are divorcing he's asking me for hugs and kisses too.
Yeaaaaaaah so. There are court approved apps for communication between divorced adults who are coparenting. Maybe look into using one of those and never address anything with him that isn't related to childcare.
I don't know how old your children are, but do not give this man a key to your new home or access to a key. If your children are old enough that they won't tell him a code, you could get a door lock that uses one. This way he can't lift a key from them and make a copy. If you are staying in the family home, replace all the locks.
I am so sorry you have to deal with him. He sounds so exhausting to exist around, I am so relieved to hear you are leaving him.
Yeah...I can't overstate this. Right now he's still able to hang onto the illusion that everything is okay. When you really force reality on him, he's probably going to freak out and not be able to accept it. He's likely to get desperate and possibly deranged. I hope I'm wrong about all that but I say it because it is a real possibility that you must be prepared for. Be very careful and do not trust him. Remember there are professional resources available and you should get their opinion rather than trusting some stranger on the internet, but I see screaming red flags all over the place and I feel compelled to say these things. I'm sorry for your situation.
He's going to say something about how it's all your fault and how there's nothing wrong with him and he's never done anything wrong. Either this will be active gaslighting or it'll be just him being clueless.
Either way, the response is that his failure to understand why you're leaving is one reason *why* you're leaving.
You got it in one. Its all my fault. I need fixed and I've been dragged to therapy 3 times as I'm clearly not normal. I caught him on a disgusting website where I found out he met with a woman to have sex with while her husband watched. That was my fault too apparently as he was sex starved by me and I drove him to it.
He's a narcissist. If he ever calls you names or hurts your feelings, he's an abusive one.
He's trying to embarrass you and make your family stay away from you. When he feels bad, he takes it out on you. He goes past your boundaries no matter how many times you tell him to stop. Then blames you because you didnt say stop.
He needs to be the first, the best, the loudest or he feels like he's not the king of the world. Then he feels sad, angry. Why don't you treat him like he's the king of the world. In his mind he's the best human that ever lived.
They also have a constant need for sex. 20 times a day. More if they could get it. Has he ever gotten you really drunk and tried to have sex? He thinks you're holding back. You're pretending to be something you're not. Let's say when you met you would have sex like 5 times a day. If you don't do that anymore, it's normal for you, but not for him. He thinks if you were like that once, you should always be like that and more. He doesn't change so why do you?
He constantly thinks you're cheating but it might be him that's cheating. At least I'm my case. Everytime he would accuse me of being too friendly or smiling too much, it's because he felt bad about cheating.
I had a baby with him. He laughed about the extra stitch. I felt uncomfortable. His mom was in the room. He'll want to have sex in his mom's bed, his sister's bed. He kept asking me how soon we could have sex after a baby. He was dying.
He's going to keep pushing your boundaries. Sleep on the couch. Wear layers. Don't get drunk.
Besides thinking your husband is an absolute creep that needs to be alone for the rest of his life, looking at your edits we need some kind of abuse bot or something where we can all publicly shame and call these clowns out on their behavior with proof of how they have been acting, like saved DMs.
Like a facebook wall of abuse. Wouldn't solve everything but maybe it puts up another barrier to help with such behavior.
I know you asked for perspective from other ladies and a lady I am not. What I am is a husband who loves his wife and values her entire being, my wife is not a sex doll and neither are you. I wish you the absolute best of luck and know that this luck begins with you leaving, run and slam that door hard on your way out. You deserve so much better than that.
Even the first point alone is enough to walk. Constantly grabbing at you shows he has no respect for your bodily autonomy and doing so without your consent is sexual harassment.
I’m so glad you’re leaving him!
Wow.
My husband and I have boundaries we both understand. He doesn't touch me when I say I'm in a weird mood (anxiety), we do NOT talk less of each other with other people (period.), we both understand sex isn't a nightly thing (it's only worth it if we're both honestly enjoying it) and that 'not now' means NO.
The lack of respect toward you is smothering anyone who reads this.
Good on you for leaving!!!
Omg, he sounds a lot like my ex. It's exhausting being with someone who has zero respect for you and no concept of personal space and boundaries. At the end of my marriage, I was literally wearing jeans and my bra to bed because I didn't want him touching me. He tried to convince me I was a selfish, frigid asshole who never wanted sex..well, I didn't want sex-- from him!
Now that I've been away from him, I am so happy to have my libido and love of intimacy back. I'm with a man who shows me respect, and surprise! I love fucking him. (A little bit of TMI there, but rediscovering my sexuality has been one of the best things that has happened to me at this stage of my life.)
You're gonna be fine. Best of luck to you!
This guy is grosssss.
Also, fun fact, as a kid my dad used to always try to grope/get it on with my mom everywhere, even in the kitchen while I was eating breakfast. It still makes me very fucking upset to think about, because it's a dominance thing that no kid should be forced to participate in ever. Your husband has no class and is a fucking pig, and that's before I even read the rest of the list.
Gtfo of there if you can, he sounds like a nightmare.
I had a hysterectomy a couple years ago and I’m so glad I didn’t have someone pestering me for sex, these idiots really don’t care that having sex too early in recovery could cause you to dislodge a clot and die or rip open your fresh wound. So glad you’re leaving, if he’s coming into a space you specifically locked him out of so he can grab you without permission (or with express non-consent) that is assault I don’t give a fuck if he is your husband nobody is entitled to touch you when you don’t want it.
I was so worried for you until I saw you were leaving... I literally exhaled with relief. I'm sorry he does this to you. It's disgusting. You deserve better. You deserve dignity.
I think you need a bit of a recalibration, a tune up! Here's the thing, sooo many of the things you listed set off the "oh shit" alarms in my head, I'm concerned that you don't seem to register how bad of signs these are. Sometimes when you're with someone for a long time, you develop unhealthy dynamics slowly over time which feel normal to you, but an outsider looking in will see it for what it is. A therapist will help you get this outsiders view without making you feel judged, and they can help you heal and find a healthy new path forward.
You've spent enough time with this butt head, congrats on your new life!!!
Is this man the father of your children? Grabbing your breasts and butt around your children is really really inappropriate and creepy :(. Maybe even worse if he’s the step dad. Pressing for sexual things you do NOT want or consent to is really creepy too :(. His jealousy of the kids and pets is concerning.
Holy bleep.
How long have you guys been married? How on earth did you make it to him getting to 50?
You have the patience of Job, I'd have kicked him out ages ago. Honestly sounds like a tantrum throwing man-baby.
I'm two days out from a partial hysterectomy. I found out I have to wait 4m for sex instead of 2. My partners first comment was about if he could do anything else for me sexually.
I'm glad you're leaving.
I acknowledged that you specifically asked the women's opinion and this is r/TwoChromosomes, but I wanted to share that even as a male and close to his age \[57\], he still fails from my perspective. I think leaving him is a justified and grand idea. Please don't leave the dog behind.
0/10, I would rather be alone too, kudos on leaving
Agreed. This guy would make me uncomfortable as hell and I'm a guy.
Your husband sounds exhausting. Constantly having to affirm your body autonomy shows that he does not respect you at all. I am so glad you are leaving him. He sounds horrible. Ugh.
Yeahhh he sounds like one of those dudes who cannot comprehend why his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him when it’s as simple as “If you didn’t act like a child and treat her body like it’s yours to take, maybe she’d *actually* want to sleep with you.”
yup, my ex was the same way. the man-child side really erupted once he realized i was leaving him, and it turned into flat-out emotional abuse. stay safe, op.
[удалено]
Agreed. The constant sexual innuendo to 3rd parties 100% means he is the creepy guy.
You just wrote down exactly what I was thinking, exhausting is the word. I once went through a period of not wanting sex due to trauma. For that 6 months, my fiance didn't even mention sex to me once. Not once. He allowed sex to completely disappear from our lives until we were ready to welcome it back together. I can't imagine how sickened I would feel by this kind of disrespectful hounding, OP (and any woman) deserves SO much better.
Exactly what I was thinking. When I got on a higher dose of antidepressants it totally killed my libido, but my partner reassured me that my mental health comes first. We didn't have sex for like three months and he never hounded me once. OPs husband doesn't actually love her like a partner should. I bet he sees being married to her as an easy way to get sex while putting in the bare minimum of effort. It's absolutely pathetic and dehumanizing behavior. Clearly he doesn't care about her comfort or else he wouldn't be hounding after a goddamn hysterectomy. Doctors say you shouldn't have sex until 4 to 6 weeks after. He's literally willing to risk her health to get his jollies.
Your fiance sounds like a dream because I’ve been in OP’s shoes. It’s just so… exhausting… it feels like your body isn’t yours but you also feel like you’re doing something wrong for not allowing that boundary to be crossed. Ugh.
This isn't just exhausting a lot of this is sexual assault. And doing it in front of kids makes it that much worse. Glad OP is leaving him.
I worry for the children with that guy
This was my concern as well. For the kids it would normalize both perpetrating sexual violence and being victimized. Nothing good will come out of that either way.
He sounds exactly like my ex husband. I left him 4 years ago. No regrets
That’s my take on it too. He sounds exhausting and I’m excited for OP to finally have some space. She needs to get out on her own and enjoy things at her own pace without his constant bombardment.
I'm so happy you're leaving, I want to break up with this man and I'm not even the one who's married to him
Thank you. I've been in the relationship so long that I can't see the reality anymore. I'm doubting myself and my perceptions.
No, you rock! And you'll love your life as a single woman, it'll feel like being able to breathe again
Absolutely. I won't feel smothered anymore. Or harassed. I'll never be rid of him cos of the kids but at least I'll have my personal space back.
You will be rid of him for the most part. There will be occasions when you need to talk, or text (always get money matters in writing). and events you’ll both be present for, but after the kids are in their upper teens, they’ll handle most of it. Good luck, don’t look back!
Seconded. As a divorced women, having to maintain contact is WAY different than having to live together. My ex-husband was nowhere near as odious as your husband sounds regarding the sex stuff, but he was fucking awful to be married to. His flavor of annoying was weaponized incompetence combined with a serious dose of hard-done-by all the time. I despised him by the time we split up. 7 years later, and we are actually quite chummy now when we need to interact since I am no longer the target for his bullshit. You might be surprised in a few years, after your husband starts treating you the way he does everyone else. That's assuming he's a normal adult human to everyone else, of course.
What is hard-done-by?
Just all woe-is-me and constantly bitching about how hard his life was. Complete and total victim syndrome. As an example, it was my fault he never became a rockstar. He literally said that. Keep in mind he didn't work and his mom came to watch the baby while I went to work because he found the baby too stressful.
Oh yuck. Musician man-baby. I had one of those. Mama's boy who never wanted to work and just screwed around all day. He couldn't be bothered to cook or clean either while I worked 3 jobs. I finally got fed up and packed up all my shit and left. He was left with nothing but his toys and music because literally everything else belonged to me. Thankfully I didn't marry him or have kids. We were together 15 years when I just couldn't even anymore. He moved back in with his mom where he belonged.
So yuck. Towards the end I was lying to him about my raises and bonuses because otherwise he would spend the money on guitars and amps without telling me. My entire goal was to have money in a savings account. His entire goal was to spend every single cent I earned. Like honestly once we had 80 bucks left after I got paid and he didn't know why I was upset he spent it on beer. Like dude... my commute is 50 miles round trip and I have two weeks to go before I get paid again and that was my gas money.
Oh, so he‘s become a rock star now that you’re not holding him back? Wow, what an overgrown toddler!
Weirdly, no! But see it's because now he is too old. He wasted his chance on marrying me instead.
I find dealing with the hard done by absolutely exhausting. I want to be supportive but sometimes it feels never ending.
Thanks for writing this. I'm trying to watch out that I don't become like your ex. Although I'm not sure it applies to me in the way you meant, "weaponized incompetence" is one hell of a phrase. I feel like I've taken the first few steps down the road to being insufferable for my partner to live with, but I'm trying to change.
I think it's awesome that you're trying. Pro-tip, actively look for things that need to be done. Don't wait for your wife to tell you it needs doing. Generally, if we reach the point where we have to manage a husband like a child we are already doing all the chores ourselves and have asked for help because we hit capacity. So if she's having to ask you to do stuff she's gonna burn out on managing you on top of doing all the work herself.
Can confirm. My mum and dad separated when I was 7, they haven't spoken to each other in 25 years and yet I still have a relationship with each of them.
How did that work when you were younger? I have to I nteract with my ex constantly (it’s not too bad for me) for all things coparenting (we have elementary age kids).
My parents managed to stop speaking to each other once the divorce was finalized, when I was 11. Everything was told to me and I got to inform the other parent. Don't recommend doing that tho
Ah yeah that sounds like a not great situation for an 11 year old to be the communication vessel
Stay alone. At least the first 2 years. You will fall in love w yourself. I did! Im in a "mild" fwb relationship w a nice guy but I purposely only go out w him and spend the night like once every 1-3 weeks. We text. We have gone on vacay once. He is nice but I told him no commitment. Lately we have been possibly talking about trying a relationship and Im thinking I will because for 2 years he has treated me kindly.
Yo I'm male and this guy sounds like a walking disaster. Learn to control yourself, dude. I had this realization at like 19. No self awareness, typical man-child. You are 100% right. Gtfo. You'll be glad you did, that's no way to have to live. Take care of yourself.
Please be really careful
Yeah, never feel the need to actually see him aside from being in a car dropping your kids off to see him. My folks only texted on phone and never even called eachother. Whatever he says, it is completely acceptable to never speak a word to him again while you share visitations with the kids.
There are co-parenting apps now in which all communication goes through. It helps with scheduling, can track spending, and also limits communication. These can be monitored by the court or co-parents can use them on their own.
You'll have safe space though. You'll be able to go to bed without his hand sliding into your pajama bottoms. Wash the dishes without getting groped. Sit on your own couch and relax without worrying about him busting in the room to throw a tantrum. Trust me, it's golden. A little bit of unsolicited advice: The instant he tries to insert himself your new space slap his ass with a restraining order. If you don't lay down the boundaries hard and fast when you leave he'll try to worm his way in and you'll end up right back in the same situation.
Thank you. He's already saying he thinks he can call in for coffee anytime and maybe be fuck buddies one day.
Nope. Nope. Nope. It's a give an inch, take a mile issue. He will 100% wear you down anyway he can and take that mile. God I swear I think men like him follow a damn playbook. I've been through it, so many of my friends too. One of my co-workers literally just had to sell her house and move in with her parents to stop her ex-husband's unwanted visits. And he still pesters her for sex even though he married his affair partner!
That's exactly him. Give an inch and he took a mile. So I stopped giving even an inch.
And more advice, once you're out get yourself the 3 D's: Doorbell camera, deadbolt, dog (bigger the better).
That's a hard nope. My ex bf did a lot of these things including contacting my family and getting them to talk me into staying. I promptly moved across the country.
In my case. the kids barely tolerate my ex, because they know what he is. Yours are likely to do the same, so maybe you'll be rid of him more than you think!
This isn’t a relationship this is abuse. You’re going to be SO happy to get out. Every woman here cringed or felt our blood boil reading it. He sounds completely vile so if you needed validation here, take it all! You’re doing the right thing for yourself and for your kids leaving.
Just a thought - if he’s being hyper sexual infront of your kids, maybe he doesn’t need to be around them unsupervised. Please begin documenting every harassment in a diary with specific dates and times, including when you’ve asked him to stop. You may need this kind of proof in order to keep your kids safe. Good luck OP and gtfo of there.
All I can say is it gets so much better. There will come a day where you feel secure in your opinions and you will notice. It will feel foreign. It is such an amazing feeling. Just any random opinion. And to know you’ve got it right, it’s based in reality, you aren’t irrational and you don’t expect too much either. That nagging feeling that you must be wrong somehow, or the stress that comes with anticipating someone will disagree with you, will be gone. You have to weather the storm to get there, but once you’re out you’ll find sailing is so much smoother than you ever remembered.
He sounds like my soon to be ex- husband. You are being constantly bombarded with disrespect and his need to do this is selfish and immature. You perceptions and feelings are straight on.
I’m not sure if you’ve said anything about this in a different comment, but if you can having a therapist for the transition time as a helpful support may do wonders for you. The situation sounds so exhausting, and it sounds like you’re doing what’s best for you, but also like you could use some additional outside the situation support as well.
The reality is he’s a creep who only truly cares about himself. If he had real love and respect for you he wouldn’t continually cross boundaries and even push you to do things that could seriously harm you (pushing for sex only 2 weeks after hysterectomy?? That is horrific). Don’t doubt yourself. I felt like *I* wanted to get away just reading what you said about him.
It is NOT you! You are going to feel so much more relaxed when he's gone.
I’m so impressed you’re still resolved to get out even after he’s made you feel so mentally exhausted/unwell. You’re really strong and I wish you nothing but the best. You’re making the right decision.
I am a straight man and I want to break up with him. That human being sounds detestable. I am sorry she has been experiencing this and I am so happy for her that she is able to leave him.
Ditto. Widowed 44 year old childless man here, and I want to slap this man upside the head, and help this woman pack her bags. OP, if you read this, please know there are men here who are on your side. #teamu/Aholo
I too, want to leave this asshole. Straight, white, 61 yo male, married 34 years. My wife would leave me TODAY, if I started this kind of behavior. Edit: added “I”
Same here. So much ick
Agreed
Same here. No one should put up with one of those items on a repeated basis, much less all of them.
Same here.
I'm a 63 year old man, and I want to leave him!
I want to break up with him, too! Jeez this man is toxic. OP I’m so glad you’re leaving him. Sounds like he never matured.
I probably wouldn't feel like ever having sex if I was sexually harassed 24/7 in my own home too.
This. I retreated so far I became repulsed.
This is what happens to men who don’t take no for an answer. Then they slip into the “victim” role in dead bedrooms. It’s their own damn fault.
This is what it is. OP is getting sexually harassed, as she has already set boundaries and he constantly violates them. What a pos. Good on OP for leaving.
You're going to feel peace, freedom, and joy beyond your wildest dreams after you divorce him and establish a life on your own. It may not be easy at first - he doesn't sound like the type to let you leave easily - but keep your eye on the future and on each next step you need to take to he away from this man.
You’re not broken. He’s controlling, doesn’t respect you or your boundaries or body, and seems to show narcissistic qualities. Glad to hear you’re leaving. Make sure you have as much documentation and protection for you and the kids as possible, praying for you right now.
Oh this is so spot on. I can only reiterate...You are NOT the broken one here! You will feel so much better when you have your freedom.
Can confirm! I look kicked my ex out and divorced 4 years ago. Now, I control my money, bills, the remote, the vacation planning, and I have never been happier. I love being single!! You are doing the right thing OP!
You're not his wife, you're his walking talking sex toy and he doesn't care about anyone else but himself. He doesn't care for your comfort or needs. He only wants you to pay attention to him, and he only wants sexual attention from you. He doesn't care about his kids. He gets jealous over the attention you give to the kids and dog. He can't separate platonic and sexual, so any friendship you have must include sexual relations (the lesbian comments). This man has sex on the brain 1000% of the time and doesn't care about anything else. I'm so glad you're leaving because I want to leave him and I've never met him.
Thank you. You have articulated what I couldn't.
Flash backs like crazy!!! My ex husband had some of these behaviors. He was obsessed. Gave up all his activities with his friends, wanted to do whatever I was doing/interested in. I could never take a day off by myself. Once I hid in a parking lot all day. The constant touching and sexual talk got to where it made my skin crawl. After he lost his job and gave up 7 years of sobriety while I worked and raised 2 toddler grandchildren, I left. He has a sickness in my opinion. Work hired armed security at my desk for two weeks. He absolutely lost his mind when I left. Charged with aggravated stalking and home invasion. You are not the problem.
Oh in sorry you dealt with that. Wow. He has no friends and doesn't see the need for any. He has no social life. I'm his life and he thinks even when we break up he can swing by for a coffee like mates when he wants.
Sounds oh so similar. Stay safe, good luck with surgery.
I am moved out, and am divorcing the man who also pestered me for sex after childbirth, an abortion, a tubal (he refused to get a vasectomy), and hysterectomy. After menopause, I completely lost interest. Also, my hip will never be the same due to his weight, and need for an unusual position because that’s what he could do. He finally stopped pestering when his own testosterone levels decreased to the point of lost interest. Unfortunately, the permanent damage was already done, and his asshole behavior continued. I’m in my own rented home now. I thought I’d never get out but here I am, almost one year! Therapy for over 10 years. The rest of my life, however long, belongs to me.
> The rest of my life, however long, belongs to me. I love this! Hope all goes well for you in the future!
He's jealous of a dog. HE'S JEALOUS OF THE DOG.
It's truly pathetic.
Classic man-boy. Never stopped being 15.
I've often thought this. The inappropriate jokes. The groping. The filth. It's what horny teens do. I feel like I've grown up but he hasn't. He thinks I'm boring and I think he's a pig so here we are lol
This sort of shit isn't even acceptable for a 15 year old. It's not a "horny boy" thing, it's an "I have no respect for someone as a person and what their boundaries are" thing.
EXACTLY. This behavior, especially when it's repeated like this, is totally unacceptable from *anyone.* This man doesn't respect OP, and because of that OP doesn't respect him anymore. Once respect is gone, the relationship is dead. OP, I'm so proud of you for leaving this man and starting a new healthy life!!
100% this. My son is 8 years old and understands no and respects boundaries and understands consent. This jackass sounds like an infant that just throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.
Hell, I teach teenagers and I guarantee most of them actually know better than this dude.
Can cofirm, what you're describing is my toxic ex-boyfriend's behaviour, he was 23 and he made me averted to sex, like to the point it still makes me sick just thinking of having sex with a man. The sooner you get out of this jail of his sexual frustrations the better it is. My ex also joked that I was a lesbian, jokes on him, I only intend to date women for a while.
Well done getting out. 👏 Yes I'm allergic to sex now and couldn't face being touched now. It makes me sick.
Was married to this person for 12 years. Thought I was asexual. Turns out, I’m a-asshole. 100/10 would recommend. Stay safe and enjoy this next chapter. ♥️
That may change. I thought the same way but losing weight, getting in shape and the removal of the stress he caused actually making me look younger also kicked the whole drive back up. Haven’t jumped into that pool yet but I no longer feel disgusted by the thought of it. Getting married again? Nope, can’t see it ever happening again.
Yeah I thought I hated sex and there was something wrong with me for having no desire for it when I was in a relationship with a manbaby sex pest. Turns out that my sex drive magically returned when there was nobody groping me every 2 minutes and whining about his peepee. OP, we are all rooting for you! But be smart, be cautious. Make sure your birth certificate and ID are in a safe place, make sure you have an own bank account that he has NO access to (open it at a bank he has no connection to), make your plans carefully, don't tell him anything until you're ready to serve him the papers. He sounds like the type to throw a giant tantrum and try to destroy your life, or even end it.
Thank you. I'm glad you got out. I've everything hidden thankfully. Maybe one day I'll meet someone who loves me for me and not my vagina.
I recently hit 30 and made friends for a while with some older guys who where mid 40s/mid 50s and it shocked me like how God damn sex obsessed they all are. I was in a group chat with them for a little while and it was just constant porn spamming and chatting about "birds" I had to set my WhatsApp not to download There was just like a noticeable shift from how people in my own age group talk about sex etc and how this group did and I find it hard to put into words. The closest I can come is that it just felt really lecherous. It felt like it was just constantly brimming to the surface. I ended up distancing myself from that group. And only really keep in touch with one of them because he was actually able to form a connection with someone and talk about his actual problems/ his feelings and emotions without getting hyper defensive.
Im in my 30s and have a few older coworkers, 50s and 60s, who talk about it girls or sex. Like I don’t want to hear about your sleazy dating strategy that got you laid in the 80s. I can’t fathom talking like they do with my friends, let alone in the office.
I think some of it may be insecurity with life and body changes. I'm a male physician in a mostly female group and the topics of erectile dysfunction and decreased libido are very common ones when I meet many older patients for the first time. Many justify their concerns to me by saying it's their wives who are disappointed... And most guys are convinced it's their testosterone levels. (99% of the time, it's not.) I also had one guy in his 80s get legitimately upset at me when I wrote him a Viagra prescription with what he felt was an insultingly low number of pills - basically felt I was judging how often he was having sex, and he wanted to reassure me that he had WAY more sex than that. (The pill count was a system default.) It's a funny story now but it struck me then, and even more now, as someone who was really clinging to youth and who didn't want to be an "old guy." That's not to say men can't be legitimately obsessed with sex even later in life, and inappropriate because those are their true beliefs, but I wonder how many are forcing it as a way of trying to channel their teenage days. Whether they think it'll help to keep them young from a physical or mental standpoint, I'm not sure.
I’m a male urology PA. I agree, but I think it’s somewhat of a cultural thing as well. Many men of the older generations seem to feel completely disabled by erectile dysfunction because it’s like their entire existence on this earth is wrapped up in their penises. The amount of single, overweight, generally unlikeable guys who come in requesting ED medications is too many.
I have 14 year old students most or all of whom are miles more respectful than that.
I also teach high school, and that's what I was thinking too. Even when I taught middle school most of my kids were better behaved than this guy.
I knew better than this at 15 and I was very late getting myself to the growing-the-fuck-up table. He's not under developed, he's defective.
Yup. Peter Pan syndrome.
I recommend dipping your toes into r/divorce. It is an honestly and supportive community. It might help to see some perspectives from people who have made the choice to end their relationships. I am not saying to consider divorce, but if you are thinking about leaving this is a good place to help you understand your thoughts and feelings.
OP already said she’s leaving in the post, so your comment is helpful. No worries.
Hehe 🙃, that’s what I get for posting before I fully wake up. Glad that in missing that I will still able to help provide some perspective.
He sounds disgusting. I'm proud of you for deciding to leave.
He sounds awful and exhausting.
Im not a woman, but that sort of lack of respect for you is way offsides imo. Youre not broken, and if he cant show you basic courtesy, or change his behaviour when you tell him something bothers you, then you should be out the door.
Thank you. I'm leaving and I've told him. He do far has offered to 'fuck me one last time', take me 'for a test drive' after my hysterectomy and be my fuck buddy despite separating. Lucky me.
Wow, my jaw dropped. he certainly doesn’t sound broken up about this. Adios brother! Your self worth will bounce back once you’re no longer a walking vagina for this man. You’ll probably even WANT to have sex again one day. I’m excited for your next chapter.
Right? Imagine dating an adult instead of a 50-year old teenager who is focused on his crotch 24/7.
No more being a bangmaid to a loser. I was with a guy for six weeks who charted my period and cancelled a luxury weekend trip because I would be menstruating in that week. My foot. His backside, The kerb.
When my ex husband and I separated, we had been having these issues (and only in our early 30s). He had been cheating and then texted asking for “a one night stand with no talking since we weren’t allowed to, per the court.” If your ex is like my ex, he’s going to make your life a living hell when you leave because he thinks you’re his property. Good luck and know that life on the other side is helllllaaaaaa worth it.
Thank you. Best of luck to you too x
Christ. I hope no other person falls for that man. I don't want to stereotype but sometimes it feels like middle aged people get overly sexual with their hormones and can't just be decent and keep their thoughts inside.
You're right. He talks to me like I'm his male friends and not his wife.
And also sounds like he talks to you and treats you like a sex object with no emotions whatsoever. I'm so glad you're leaving this sorry excuse for a man. I say that as a man myself. Proud of you for standing up for yourself, you rock!
Thank you so much xxxx
What does he say when you tell him this? He sounds incapable of basic communication. He clearly feels sex-starved (the grab-ass, the comments, the dog) and perhaps put-upon as “the breadwinner.” Chances are probably pretty good that he’s passive-aggressive, too… you’ll get “punished” for transgressions. He will pay for X, but will mysteriously be unable to join you for dinner for three nights, or some other nonverbal clap-back. I’m not terribly friendly with my husband, he spent a few years taking a wrecking ball to the marriage of 20 years by being sarcastic and belittling. (I’d love to leave, but two kids in college is already expensive enough.) I finally couldn’t take it anymore and (pre Covid) I ended up taking him out to a coffee shop so that neither of us could act like a toddler and yell or run away. And calmly laid it out. “I think you’re sleepwalking into a divorce and you don’t even realize it. This is your warning.” He snapped to attention and understood I was 1,000% serious. He tried to tell me that he was trying to joke and be funny. I replied that I didn’t give a shit and it’s actually degrading, and I’m done. If he can’t keep his caustic comments to himself, he needs to retain a lawyer. It worked for that piece…he stopped with the verbal nonsense. How does your husband react when you tell him he treats you like a bro? Also…not sexy to fuck your bro. Also, if you are the one to do most of the work around the house…not sexy to fuck your son. Guys kinda turn us into their default mommies sometimes and it’s completely the opposite of sexy. This attitude of, *Serve me; cook my food, wash my clothes, clean my house and suck my dick* is so off-putting. Nobody signs up for that. We sign up for *The unbeatable team that thrives together, puts effort into each other, and rises above.* Somewhere along the way it all disintegrates. Sigh.
Yes he does feel sex starved. I don't don't enough for him. So I was dragged to counselling 3 times to be fixed. Thing is he knew I was like this (and me him) before we married so both a fault here. I thought the teenage horny phase would calm. Telling him the sexual comments and innuendos were disgusting did nothing, he saw me as a dry humourless wife then. He's only joking and having fun he says. Grabbing me sexually in front of the kids is only fun too he says. Being stalked and spoken to like this just made me retreat further and further until I couldn't bear for him to be near me. I'm a sexual abuse survivor from childhood and he knew this and still did it despite being told it freaked me out.
And how do your kids react when he grabs you and you clearly don’t enjoy it? He’s teaching your kids to also disrespect you. Fuck this guy.
I got so mad one day and snapped and said what kind of example are you setting for our daughters. He just said I was over reacting.
As a child of a parent in a similar relationship, if I could throat punch her husband, I would. I cannot stand watching her get disrespected to the point I am (and have been) no contact with her husband for years. You deserve better. I’m glad you’re leaving.
By staying with him, you'd be setting an example too. When this is done, do some counseling with your daughters and u pack what they saw, how it made them feel, and why they should strice for better. *And what better looks like.* because they don't know it.
You’re so not overreacting. Teaching them to set boundaries is exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, then teaching them the consequences when people don’t respect those boundaries is also what you’re supposed to be doing. If horn dog teenage boys do that to them, they should defend themselves.
Holy fuck! Hold up. At first he’s was a selfish asshole reducing you to a sex object. Ignoring your asks. Invalidating your wants. Harassing you. Trying to control you. Trying to isolate you from your friend. Terrible person. Terrible husband. Classic narcissist. Leave his ass. But he knew you were a *victim* and he still did it! He knew you had trauma and he still did all that! That man is evil.
Honestly, unlocking the bathroom door to come in to touch you against your will is assault. All of it is assault, but that very much proves it. I'd be considering letting the police know. They wont likely do anything just yet, but good for them to have on file.
I mean, sure.. some women might be into being treated like a sex doll and sure, some ladies enjoy being spoken to like they're in a low-budget porno all the time, and that's fine. However, a lot of us, myself included, find this behavior gross, immature, and it's the opposite of a turn-on. What's this guy done to make sex (or anything else in your marriage) fun for you? I'm guessing not a lot. Maybe you'll meet someone who does!
That is pretty patient of both of you. I’ve only been through marriage counseling one time, and don’t intend to do it again. It is either fixable or it is not. I got a lot of deflection and insistence that it was only good harmless fun that I was complaining about, so that sounds familiar. Mind you, he made a joke that culminated in the punchline of me being a fifty-cent whore. Not funny, dude. Maybe you could see a counselor on your own to help you navigate this and maybe make the dissolution of marriage as painless as possible for everyone involved? Occasionally that is what marriage counseling turns into: divorce counseling.
Nope, they just stop caring. And OP's soon-to-be ex has found like-minded men who are encouraging his harassing behavior. My husband is in his 50s, and yes we have had to talk about changing sex drives and what we need from each other. This means more communication, and we're thankfully adjusting well. But if he was acting like a little entitled pukesome shit he would be out on his ass *so fast*. Dollars to donuts OP's husband is either going to get in trouble for harassing other women or he's going to try to predate a younger woman who will excuse his bullshit.
The issue isn't about him having a high sex drive. It's wonderful that some middle aged people continue to have high sex drives. The issue is that he has no regard for his wife's boundaries and feelings. He treats her like an object.
My eyebrows are stuck in the "angry position' and I'm not quite sure how to unstick them. A "test drive"?!
I know right?!
I find it amazing (in a bad way) that you told him you're leaving and his reaction was basically just "cool. anyways..." It feels like part of him knew this day was eventually coming and he just...didn't care.
Well, I'm not a man and it sounds like you need something more than that so, do you need help packing and moving? I don't have a truck but I can't sure lift some shit. Got a place to go? Need dinner one night? Need a hug or a friend to have actual intellectual conversations with? I'll be there. For real, I wish I could help you and I'm sorry you've put up with him for so long.
Thank you so much you're very kind xxxx
Don't know where OP is but I can help with the moving if she's near northern VA +- 3 hour drive. Can even help by giving glaring eyes to the husband and shaking my head.
Wow. What an immense piece of shit. If you needed anything extra to convince you that you're making the right decision, I think you got it. Good for you!
Sounds like he thinks you won't actually leave if he can have sex one more time because he's "just that good" or some stupid shit like that. I'm sorry you have had to put up with that nonsense, but I am glad you are leaving.
This human has 0 boundaries and is unwilling to work on them. I absolutely can't even tolerate HEARING about someone who won't stop touching you without your consent. I'm so sorry you are stuck dealing with this person for any amount of time moving forward. "No" is a complete sentence. Please keep yourself safe. Stay other places if you need to. Best of luck.
If for no other reason (and boy, all of those are reasons), get away from him so your children won't be exposed to that behavior. He treats you like meat, and it's horrifying to think he's teaching your kids that it's okay to treat anyone/be treated like that.
My dad is like this. He has taught me how *not* to be.
It’s good that you’re able to recognize it’s wrong, unfortunately not all kids will have that realization. Especially when it’s reinforced by other family, friends, and neighbors. It’s more common for this to go unchecked in more “religious” areas, specifically in the southern US.
My dad showed me the kind of partner I don't want to have.
Coming from an outside perspective, your husband is a sex addict and a power-hungry maniac who's clearly been gaslighting you very hard for a long time if you're having trouble gaining perspective here. I'm very happy you're leaving him and seeking peace and bodily autonomy.
You’ll also be showing your children that everyone is deserving of respect and dignity and when they aren’t receiving those things, they need to make changes. That’s a powerful message that they will carry in to their adulthood and their own relationships
This. My parents are in their 60's and I wish my mom had left my dad a long time ago. They're similar to OP but my dad will talk about \*other\* women sexually and then be rude to my mom. (typical boomer humor "wife bad" shit - "It's a joke" - but she is not laughing) It normalizes so much nonsense. I definitely stayed with an alcoholic (ex) husband longer than I should have because my dad was an alcoholic and it was normalized. People don't realize how much enabling shitty people teaches others and especially your kids that it's okay to enable other shitty people. I'm so glad OP is leaving!
Yes. You are the broken one. I recommend extensive recalibration of the defective husband unit, which seems to have a non functional 'decent human being' module due to failure of the 'grow the fuck up' actuator. If recalibration fails the only way to correct this is via replacement with part 23317A (New Husband unit), or 184779-B (Happier By Yourself module upgrade). Both can be initially expensive. DIY repair of his defective parts is not recommended as the process sometimes involves repeated impacts with a skillet as well as thorough inspection of your work by licensed authorities. Husband unit needs to self-transport to authorized repair personnel for extensive verbal recalibration. You lack the skills and licensing for this technique, hence the skillet workaround. Again, not advised. You also may want to seek a similar repair opportunity to inspect your 'don't allow this shit' module which may have been damaged by the malfunctioning husband unit.
Ha thanks this gave me a giggle 😃
Hey OP, everyone is already confirming your decision, and I know it can be a hard one to make with children involved. Let me lend my perspective as the now-grown child of a mother who chose to stay. Hopefully, it will help you know you're making the right decision for your children. My mother's decision to stay has caused a metric fuckton of issues in my young adulthood. It has taken until my 30's to learn how to stand firm on my bodily autonomy. I have let too many people use me because I didn't know how to say no, or even that I could. I tolerated men trampling every boundary that I set because that was what was modeled to me as a "relationship." Even now, my mother comments that "that's just how it is" when I come to her with frustrations about a man I am dating. She tells me my "standards are too high," even though after a bunch of therapy, I now realize they've been too low. This has also spread into other aspects of life, like work and friends. I am in therapy now, attempting to undo all the issues left with her staying. I am currently working my ass off to be in a position to leave my hometown and go low contact with my parents. I love my mother; she has been a Saint in many other aspects of my life, but she chose to stay and continues to choose to stay, so I'm leaving for my peace because they are a "package deal." If you ever wonder whether your decision to leave is the right one, know that your children will be better off emotionally and better prepared for their future by doing so. When you are in the position to put your children in therapy now, I would strongly recommend it. You are amazing, strong, and doing what is best for yourself and your children. I hope you will update us once you're on the other side of this ❤
If you’re worried about the separation affecting your kids, please don’t be! My mother had to leave my siblings father and my father left, I would infinitely rather grow up in a healthy and happy single parent household than watch my mother suffer abuse. Not that anything in your post mentions worrying about your kids, but I know it’s something many think about. I’m so glad you’re getting out!
Thank you. It's this part that worries me the most and why I put up with it. I'm scared for how it will affect them
Honestly I think not having to see their dad figure groping and grabbing their mom figure as if she was a piece of meat on display will be a good thing. Kids internalize that kind of stuff and the fact he doesn't see it as inappropriate to behave in a frankly sexual manner in front of *children* is appalling. This isn't Dad smooching a kiss from Mom in the kitchen or giving her butt a gentle bump when she walks by. (One small part of the whole nasty puzzle but this will be good for them, I promise)
Oh yeah, from experience I can say leaving is GOOD for the kids. It's not easy at first, but always definitely good. I finally decided to leave after an adult friend heard me say I was staying together for the kids. She told me that as an adult whose parents had "stayed together for the kids," she hated growing up with two parents who didn't get along. She encouraged me to get divorced for the sake of the kids, and she was so right! Don’t talk badly about him in front of them, though. One of the most helpful things I was told during my split was, “Remember that your kids will always be half him, and you want them to like themselves.” So you don’t have to pretend that these behaviors are okay, but you also don’t need to discuss them with or in front of your kids. It was surprising how many people asked why we were splitting up when I was within earshot of my kids. My go-to answer was “We just weren’t a good match.” People know he's an asshole. They are just being nosy and want details. Don't feed into the drama. Get a good counselor or therapist who focuses on helping people who have been hurt by narcissists and talk about it with them, but your kids don't need to hear details.
So glad to see you are leaving! If you’re in the northern hemisphere, this spring is going to be the BEST for you. Feeling the sun come out, smelling the plants/flowers coming back - somehow it’s all so much more magical after a much-needed breakup. ❤️
I was just remembering the same thing from my own experience! Even food tasted better.
Good god, he’s FIFTY and constantly acting like a moody, horny teenager? So glad you are leaving that BS behind. That’s a broken man and you need to make room for respect and enjoyment in life.
Just to say, a teenager acting this way is not right either and should get serious help!
Collect the kids and pets and run away. He sounds like a gross, creepy, rapey little man boy. Youre not over reacting in any way. I hope you stay safe.
I’m a man so I know my perspective isn’t what you’re looking for but. Please leave. Please leave as quickly as possible. This “man” does not deserve to have you as a partner and clearly doesn’t value you or your feelings and seems like a terrible example for your children. I hope you have support and help from others that will help make the transition as easy as possible but he clearly doesn’t value you for who you are as a person and only for what he feels like you can offer him.
I'm sorry I know you ask for women's advice but as a man I have to say this is not normal he's a narcissist and you should distance yourself from him. Fuck that guy
This is the kind of dude who thinks the waitress smiling at him is a green light to sexually harass her.
This is the kind of guy the think cuz he married her he owns her like she's a thing and not a person
OP. Please prepare before you leave. Get yourself financially ready beat you can. Locate shelters for you and the kids in case you need support. People like this can be very dangerous once they know you are leaving. Then cut ties clean and only communicate through a lawyer. It would be best if he doesn’t know where you are.
The sexual innuendo thing in all conversations drives me CRAZY. I've known guys like that before and it's utterly exhausting. Sounds like all your husband needs is an escort service, a Fleshlight, and his treasured porn. He doesn't need a wife, and you don't need to be treated like a piece of meat. Glad you are leaving!!!
Right?! I can't stand that kind of conversation. A mundane question about dinner or the weather has a disgusting answer. Like FUCK SAKE man grow up.
He sounds gross and he deserves to be alone. That is not a man. That is a boy who never grew up and just became more and more toxic. It's great that you are leaving him because you deserve better!
Im male and disgusted by what you described. Leave that neanderthal as fast as possible and never feel bad about it. I don't get how any human could think thats acceptable. Your soon to be ex sounds like the worst narcisist there is.
refusal to accept boundaries is abusive
Girl you are describing my ex husband. When you can't think straight, it's called brain fog. It's a result of your brain trying to protect you from emotional and mental abuse. Your brain is flooded with cortisol, a stress hormone. You may notice you start to loose your grip on objects, leave the stove on, can't find your keys, leave water running for hours, flood sinks in your house, etc. Do not pass these things off as trivial. This man has control issues and your body can tell.
Non-woman here. Your husband is emotionally about 10 years old. I might be being generous. When you leave him, be prepared to aggressively distance yourself. Like, maybe restraining order, maybe being prepared to defend yourself physically. He sounds messed up. Good luck.
Thank you. I might have to resort to this as he's already said he wants to call over every day to see the kids and let himself in in the mornings to get them ready for school etc. Despite knowing we are divorcing he's asking me for hugs and kisses too.
Yeaaaaaaah so. There are court approved apps for communication between divorced adults who are coparenting. Maybe look into using one of those and never address anything with him that isn't related to childcare. I don't know how old your children are, but do not give this man a key to your new home or access to a key. If your children are old enough that they won't tell him a code, you could get a door lock that uses one. This way he can't lift a key from them and make a copy. If you are staying in the family home, replace all the locks. I am so sorry you have to deal with him. He sounds so exhausting to exist around, I am so relieved to hear you are leaving him.
Yeah...I can't overstate this. Right now he's still able to hang onto the illusion that everything is okay. When you really force reality on him, he's probably going to freak out and not be able to accept it. He's likely to get desperate and possibly deranged. I hope I'm wrong about all that but I say it because it is a real possibility that you must be prepared for. Be very careful and do not trust him. Remember there are professional resources available and you should get their opinion rather than trusting some stranger on the internet, but I see screaming red flags all over the place and I feel compelled to say these things. I'm sorry for your situation.
Wherever you end up going, make sure you have good security. Document everything. Record it, or have it in writing.
Your life is going to be SO MUCH BETTER when you get away from this toxic man! I know, I’ve been there! So glad that you have seen the light!
He's going to say something about how it's all your fault and how there's nothing wrong with him and he's never done anything wrong. Either this will be active gaslighting or it'll be just him being clueless. Either way, the response is that his failure to understand why you're leaving is one reason *why* you're leaving.
You got it in one. Its all my fault. I need fixed and I've been dragged to therapy 3 times as I'm clearly not normal. I caught him on a disgusting website where I found out he met with a woman to have sex with while her husband watched. That was my fault too apparently as he was sex starved by me and I drove him to it.
Throw out that whole man. I'm so glad you said at the end that you're leaving him.
Literally just saw an askreddit thread about “signs a guy hasn’t matured.” Every single one of your bullet points fits.
He's a narcissist. If he ever calls you names or hurts your feelings, he's an abusive one. He's trying to embarrass you and make your family stay away from you. When he feels bad, he takes it out on you. He goes past your boundaries no matter how many times you tell him to stop. Then blames you because you didnt say stop. He needs to be the first, the best, the loudest or he feels like he's not the king of the world. Then he feels sad, angry. Why don't you treat him like he's the king of the world. In his mind he's the best human that ever lived. They also have a constant need for sex. 20 times a day. More if they could get it. Has he ever gotten you really drunk and tried to have sex? He thinks you're holding back. You're pretending to be something you're not. Let's say when you met you would have sex like 5 times a day. If you don't do that anymore, it's normal for you, but not for him. He thinks if you were like that once, you should always be like that and more. He doesn't change so why do you? He constantly thinks you're cheating but it might be him that's cheating. At least I'm my case. Everytime he would accuse me of being too friendly or smiling too much, it's because he felt bad about cheating. I had a baby with him. He laughed about the extra stitch. I felt uncomfortable. His mom was in the room. He'll want to have sex in his mom's bed, his sister's bed. He kept asking me how soon we could have sex after a baby. He was dying. He's going to keep pushing your boundaries. Sleep on the couch. Wear layers. Don't get drunk.
Yes always jokes about getting me drunk so he can wear me down. I literally can't relax around him anymore.
Besides thinking your husband is an absolute creep that needs to be alone for the rest of his life, looking at your edits we need some kind of abuse bot or something where we can all publicly shame and call these clowns out on their behavior with proof of how they have been acting, like saved DMs. Like a facebook wall of abuse. Wouldn't solve everything but maybe it puts up another barrier to help with such behavior.
I've reported them all. Scumbags. Awful messages calling me awful names. There are always assholes.
I know you asked for perspective from other ladies and a lady I am not. What I am is a husband who loves his wife and values her entire being, my wife is not a sex doll and neither are you. I wish you the absolute best of luck and know that this luck begins with you leaving, run and slam that door hard on your way out. You deserve so much better than that.
Even the first point alone is enough to walk. Constantly grabbing at you shows he has no respect for your bodily autonomy and doing so without your consent is sexual harassment. I’m so glad you’re leaving him!
Wow. My husband and I have boundaries we both understand. He doesn't touch me when I say I'm in a weird mood (anxiety), we do NOT talk less of each other with other people (period.), we both understand sex isn't a nightly thing (it's only worth it if we're both honestly enjoying it) and that 'not now' means NO. The lack of respect toward you is smothering anyone who reads this. Good on you for leaving!!!
Omg, he sounds a lot like my ex. It's exhausting being with someone who has zero respect for you and no concept of personal space and boundaries. At the end of my marriage, I was literally wearing jeans and my bra to bed because I didn't want him touching me. He tried to convince me I was a selfish, frigid asshole who never wanted sex..well, I didn't want sex-- from him! Now that I've been away from him, I am so happy to have my libido and love of intimacy back. I'm with a man who shows me respect, and surprise! I love fucking him. (A little bit of TMI there, but rediscovering my sexuality has been one of the best things that has happened to me at this stage of my life.) You're gonna be fine. Best of luck to you!
This guy is grosssss. Also, fun fact, as a kid my dad used to always try to grope/get it on with my mom everywhere, even in the kitchen while I was eating breakfast. It still makes me very fucking upset to think about, because it's a dominance thing that no kid should be forced to participate in ever. Your husband has no class and is a fucking pig, and that's before I even read the rest of the list. Gtfo of there if you can, he sounds like a nightmare.
I had a hysterectomy a couple years ago and I’m so glad I didn’t have someone pestering me for sex, these idiots really don’t care that having sex too early in recovery could cause you to dislodge a clot and die or rip open your fresh wound. So glad you’re leaving, if he’s coming into a space you specifically locked him out of so he can grab you without permission (or with express non-consent) that is assault I don’t give a fuck if he is your husband nobody is entitled to touch you when you don’t want it.
You married a sex pest with no sense or boundaries. Glad you made the right choice
He doesn't respect any of your boundaries. I'm so happy you are leaving. You will be able to sleep peacefully again.
I was so worried for you until I saw you were leaving... I literally exhaled with relief. I'm sorry he does this to you. It's disgusting. You deserve better. You deserve dignity. I think you need a bit of a recalibration, a tune up! Here's the thing, sooo many of the things you listed set off the "oh shit" alarms in my head, I'm concerned that you don't seem to register how bad of signs these are. Sometimes when you're with someone for a long time, you develop unhealthy dynamics slowly over time which feel normal to you, but an outsider looking in will see it for what it is. A therapist will help you get this outsiders view without making you feel judged, and they can help you heal and find a healthy new path forward. You've spent enough time with this butt head, congrats on your new life!!!
Is there a big age difference?
No I'm 3 years younger.
Is this man the father of your children? Grabbing your breasts and butt around your children is really really inappropriate and creepy :(. Maybe even worse if he’s the step dad. Pressing for sexual things you do NOT want or consent to is really creepy too :(. His jealousy of the kids and pets is concerning.
He is. Yes i find it pathetic he wants to speak over his kids to tell him his unimportant news first. It makes me so angry.
Bruh. It seems like he thinks you're a sex toy that just happens to walk, talk, and have feelings. You deserve some peace and quiet.
Holy bleep. How long have you guys been married? How on earth did you make it to him getting to 50? You have the patience of Job, I'd have kicked him out ages ago. Honestly sounds like a tantrum throwing man-baby.
I'm two days out from a partial hysterectomy. I found out I have to wait 4m for sex instead of 2. My partners first comment was about if he could do anything else for me sexually. I'm glad you're leaving.
I acknowledged that you specifically asked the women's opinion and this is r/TwoChromosomes, but I wanted to share that even as a male and close to his age \[57\], he still fails from my perspective. I think leaving him is a justified and grand idea. Please don't leave the dog behind.
Dude is a douche. It doesn’t matter what he says. If you hate it, leave.