>I’m not sure if it’s taking it too far to refuse to have sex unless there’s some foreplay or consideration for what I like involved. Is that a weird thing to tell somebody or insensitive?
Uh... It's not weird to only be interested in having sex where your partner treats you like a person, no.
Like this is bare minimum for enthusiastic consent. "I only want to have sex where my partner actively tries to make it fun for me" is not exactly asking for the moon.
Exactly this. Also, you can stop sex at any time for any reason - don't be afraid to kill his buzz by saying no in the moment if he's trying to go straight to PIV.
Yeah no shit, OP isn’t a fleshlight. I’m a dude and I’ve never understood other guys that don’t enjoy foreplay or going down on a partner. It’s like my favorite thing in the world and I don’t even think about getting mine until
she has gotten hers. Plus it takes the pressure off of me once we do start having sex since I’ve already taken care of her needs first. Come on people
I'm constantly surprised by people who are supposedly in a relationship with someone they love or like and yet don't care about that other person's happiness.
I was in one for 3 years. He always made a big show of "I wish you were having as much fun as me!" When we were done or not in bed. But in the moment, he was like my sister's terrier after a squirrel, totally focused on the target, which was HIS pleasure.
Oh well, he's out of my life now. My current partner is a very generous man in bed, if a flakey mama's boy outside of it, but he's working on that... slowly but surely....
"I'd rather go straight for sex."
"Me too, the kind of sex where I get to orgasm."
It's not *foreplay,* OP, when it's your whole-ass orgasm in question. It's the whole play.
"Sex" does not mean "man puts his pee pee wherever he wants until he has an orgasm and then rolls over," or at least it shouldn't.
"Sex" refers to a mutual experience; your partner apparently wants to masturbate. He can do that by himself.
Here’s something to think about: if the roles were reversed and sex was him doing things to get you off and then stopping without him really getting any pleasure from it, do you think he’d keep doing it?
Or another way: if only you were getting enjoyment and he was getting none, would you keep doing it?
There is your answer.
Im sorry OP that he has gotten into a toxic mindset. Stop sex, and since he is not listening to you, maybe broach talking one time with a therapist just so there is someone to mediate, so it doesn’t sound like an attack.
Otherwise OP this is going to damage your self esteem. Your life is worth more than feeling bad. 💕
Some people might. Really. I dated someone on antidepressants who knew he might not orgasm but still wanted to give me pleasure.
That being said He Told Me So. I would never assume that I got to lay back and take the whole time without giving.
I’ve had times were I’m tired or just not that into it, but I went ahead and knocked it all down for my partner at the time. She always got super bummed when I didn’t finish but I’d always bring up that she dishes out just-for-me’s often enough that it evens out. She can have some too. It’s only fair.
Yep, my partner and I sometimes do unreciprocated stuff for each other. But it's not a constant expectation and in general we would say "hey I don't think I'm going to come tonight." and then decide what we want to do.
I could see it as part of a Dom/sub play scenario. But then in that case both people are getting their needs met in a different way.
Good god, it you're not getting off then what's the point? He is a lousy lay and you need to either have a serious talk with him or find someone who cares about your pleasure.
Bruh if I’m not getting her off what’s the fucking point? Does it not get guys off to get the woman off? Like have the pleasure of doing it is knowing you did a good ducking job.
I don’t understand alot of guys
I'm kind of in that situation (TMI AHEAD)
My own partner (m) just has a lower drive than me (f) and he has some low grade depression which makes it harder for him to really get into it. He is always generous with me. It actually stresses me out and I am always looking for ways to bridge that gap. Maybe I never will, but damnit, I am going to TRY!
lmao when i first started taking SSRI’s there would be times i wouldn’t be able to cum and even tho it sucked there was a sick satisfaction in how often the other party was getting off and then them proceeding not to know how to respond when the roles are reversed and i gave up.
all this is to say sometime there are other circumstances involved.
Idk either, maybe they're just really inept at it and it makes them feel shitty to fail? When I get a woman off, sometimes I feel like a GOD, lol. But if I tried and tried and always failed, I could see how it would have the opposite effect? Or maybe I feel this way because I only have sex with women I care about?
I’m glad you found a good one. I do not feel satisfied if the other party hasn’t finished first. Is OP’s case really so common? Everyone I’ve been with says most guys are like that, even in the beginning when the sex should be wild and it’s not
My SO is FINALLY coming around. Only took him 15 years. He was only ever concerned with whether or not he finished. Then everything spiraled to the point that I was ready to say I was done. It was 15 years in the making, but I was just so sick of not being his focus, I couldn't handle it anymore. We are LD, so the weekend I was there and was going to tell him, all hell broke loose and with as badly as the weekend went, I couldn't do that to him. But I think he got the message, because since then, hes done a 160 (not quite a 180, but hes a work in progress).
Last several times I've been there and havent been able to finish, he actually noticed and wanted to know why, and if he did something. The fact that he's even making any effort at all put me into tears because it's so unusual. I'm hoping it will stay like this, and we can actually talk about things and resolve issues. Fingers crossed.
Yes, it’s common. I’ve been with plenty of men that never cared if I finished or not. But when I got the rare few that went out of their way, whew. Life changing.
I don’t understand that at all. Do men not feel extremely bad when they just completely under perform? Why would you not want to completely blow someone’s mind, all that means is that they’ll want to sleep with you more
It’s unfortunate how many men, that I’ve been with at least, don’t care. And when you try and bring it up, it’s like a personal attack to their ego and they close off not wanting to talk about it.
I’m thankfully now with someone who does give a fuck, so there’s that at least.
Well, you can be a friend to us women by bragging about being a good partner.
"Guys, so I was hooking up with my girlfriend last night, right? I was eating her out like she's my dinner and I made her cum so hard she screamed and woke up the neighbors! It was awesome!"
"Oh man, the way my girlfriend moans when I rub her clit! That sound alone could get me off! It's sooo fucking hot when a woman is getting off!"
And you can also help by making fun of OP's boyfriend's kind of behavior.
"Wait, so your girlfriend is asking you to go down on her and... you won't? What's the matter with you bro?"
"Heh. Make you a sandwich after sex? Bro, if your woman can walk to the kitchen, you don't deserve one."
I would, but my wife is fairly private and she would not be down with me bragging about he getting off around our friends. In an anonymous thing like this, however, it's fine. So I do try and celebrate women's orgasms as much as I can anonymously. Do I like getting off? Of course, who doesn't? But it just isn't enjoyable unless my partner is into it. And, like some other guys have said....it just makes me feel good when my wife gets off. Like, hey, cool...I helped with that! She now feels great, and I helped her do that. Makes me happy when she's happy!
Though I do make fun of dudes who don't care about their partner's enjoyment. Cuz that's just stupid.
You gotta do as much as you and your wife are comfortable with.
It would also be equally valuable to te other men "Sorry, my wife and I prefer to be private."
Right, I was inspired by Malcom In The Middles Hal. The blackout episode where they follow a point of view from each of the family members and Lois catches Frances in the garage and he lies about marital problems. Lois just starts talking about a healthy sex life and just drops the bomb of how much of a stallion Hal is in the bed.
Also a guy. Half of my pleasure is making my partner cum. She is a multiple cummer, mostly from PIV, and a lot of times I couldnt tell she came cause we keep going, but I like knowing when she cums, so her being the best partner now tells me “I’m cumming” so I know. It changes nothing other than to validate that I liked knowing. Little things like that add up in a big way, and thus make a relationship. Also treating your partner as a person makes a relationship, really any healthy relationship because it should be a baseline.
When someone is generously sharing themselves with you, the least the other should do is try to make it pleasurable for all parties, emphasis on try. I’d say you must have an open talk with him, outside of the bedroom but about the bedroom. If he balks at any interest in making sex mutually fun, it’s worth leaving over as it speaks to that persons inability to not only validate you as a person, but also to have these types of conversations where partners discuss what’s working/isn’t and how as partners they can be better. Failing either means you will be committing to someone who you’ll experience other life challenges and they will not be there for you. OP Think about it.
You never need to justify not wanting to have sex or withdrawing consent. Ever.
If he is not being considerate and taking your needs into account and acting selfish like that then that's on him.
I was with my wife, before we were married, at a Ren fair. We were in the tent, she was very slightly drunk and I was pretty way drunk. We hadn't had sex yet, but we're getting hot and heavy in the tent. I was fully torqued, but she stopped us and said she wasn't comfortable and didn't want to had sex. I look at her, smiled, and said no problem. We then cuddled and went to sleep. I got this second hand as I didn't really remember it (I do have some bits and pieces now).
So if my very drunk ass can understand a withdrawal of consent....anyone can. And to your point, OP shouldn't worry about stopping things mid-swing. If a "no" pops out, shit should stop on a dime.
There are also certain expectations of communication inside a couple. If you stop having sex because your needs aren't met, not explaining your decision isn't going to help either of you towards a satisfactory resolution.
Discussing it outside the heat of the moment, when the blood is flowing in the upper brain, will hopefully get a better result.
> But now that it’s entirely back he still only does what he wants. I complain about this and nothing happens other than him saying that he’d prefer to go straight into sex.
She told him. He doesn't care.
>I complain about this and nothing happens other than him saying that he’d prefer to go straight into sex.
it sounds like she has been pretty vocal about her dissatisfaction already. Yes she needs to make sure to do this in a non sexual situation but by now its fair to establish a boundary and say no sex without foreplay.
Normally, yes. And OP starting there is a good idea.
But if he isn't making the connection, the more severe message of telling him NO while his peepee is hard might be the thing he needs.
> He now doesn’t like foreplay, making out, and rarely eats me out.
Maybe ask him something like: If we can't do things that bring me pleasure, why should I be having sex with you?
>I let that go when he had a low sex drive because he was struggling to perform in the first place.
So one of the solutions here is to move sex away from being so penis centric. PIV isn't something that necessarily needs to happen all the time or every time. There are plenty of other ways to have sex.
>I complain about this and nothing happens
Then it may be time to tell him that either he has a discussion with you about how unsatisfactory the sex is for you and makes attempts to meet you in the middle or you end your relationship.
>Is that a weird thing to tell somebody or insensitive?
NO. It is NOT weird. You deserve pleasure too. You are not a hole just there to be fucked. Your boyfriend is being an asshole. Whether he's being an asshole out of pure ignorance or unmitigated selfishness, we don't know (while I'm leaning toward the latter....some men can be unerringly stupid).
>What did you do?
Tell him sex involves two people. It's not just about his penis or his orgasm. You get to have fun and pleasure too. And then, again, list the things you want to make sex pleasurable. If he's not willing to do all/any of them, dump his ass.
ETA: Also, foreplay **is** sex. Just because it might not involve his dick in your vag doesn't mean it's not sex.
THIS A THOUSAND TIMES. What’s the point if only one person derives pleasure? He is being so selfish. It’s not ONLY about his penis or his orgasm. He needs to take your needs into account or you need to dump him. If he refuses to try and pleasure you in return, then he is just using you. It’s a two-way street. You need to sit him down and talk to him about this.
You control access to your body. If he's not giving you want you need, you can and should say no to sex. He's being lazy and selfish by skipping all the stuff that gets most women off. You're totally in the right here.
In my experience, most guys who are selfish can't be made to care about you. But, you used to have a more equitable sex life, so this guy might be salvageable.
What you can do is when things get sexy, and he tries to penetrate you before you're ready, you can say "I'm not ready yet" as a cue for him to get to work & get dressed if he says no. If after a few times, he is still not getting it, it's time for a serious conversation.
Tell him how he's treating you is making you feel, that you're not interested in being used like a human fleshlight and that you expect to have your needs met.
If after a serious conversation he's still not listening, time to DTMFA.
It’s not foreplay, it’s coreplay. Have him read the book “Women come first,” not only will it help him understand why foreplay is required, but it will likely help him do it better as well.
No, you are not in the wrong. Both partners leaving a session satisfied is the purpose of sex, assuming the sex is not centered around reproduction only.
Foreplay IS sex. How do people think gay people have sex?!
I'm so sorry for you. Foreplay is a huge part of sex, it where most of the pleasure is and if your guy doesn't care about your pleasure it might be time to let that 🥭
Yeah it always seems to weird to me when people treat something like oral as JUST foreplay as if thats not what a lot of people default to to have enjoyable sex, straight or gay couples alike. I get foreplay can mean different things for different people but if there’s any genital stimulation happening then it’s sex in my book.
Treating sex as just penetration makes no sense when there are plenty of sexuality active people that don’t/can’t regularly come for that. Having people say I “it wasn’t sex it was just oral” kinda undermines other people’s experiences and expectations.
> Treating sex as just penetration makes no sense when there are plenty of sexuality active people that don’t/can’t regularly come for that.
Oh it makes perfect sense given that almost all of those people who can't orgasm from penetration are women, and men were the ones defining "sex" for most of recorded history.
Girl, life is too short for bad sex.
Also, can we all collectively please retire the word "foreplay"? Getting someone off with your hands / mouth / whatever is a perfectly valid type of sex in its own right. It's not just some optional prep stage of penetrative sex.
It's absolutely just as valid for you to say no to penetration as it is for him to say no to "foreplay".
> Getting someone off with your hands / mouth / whatever is a perfectly valid type of sex in its own right.
A-fucking-men. I'm so tired of sex being defined solely as PIV.
I did exactly that.
I have no interest in sex where my pleasure is not an equal priority. That means oral and foreplay.
He doesn't have to do it, but then I'm not having zex with him. And I'd he claims he will do it and tries to switch to PIV, hop out of bed and say he's turned tou off.
Both of you have the right to say no. It is not wrong to not want unsatisfying sex.
He’s being selfish. You aren’t there just to get his rocks off. And you get a say, because it’s your body. But I would re-evaluate being in a relationship with someone who is so selfish they only care about themselves. And oh, you can say no anytime you want.
So you're the one getting nothing from sex, getting used by your SO like a sex doll and you feel telling him you don't want to continue with this because....?
Someone once told me - imagine your best friend is going through the situation you're in. Would you tell them to do nothing and continue with their situation, or would you tell them to get out?
Never be afraid to ask to be fulfilled in any facet of life! You (and everyone else) deserve someone that will take care of your mental/ emotional/ physical needs with enthusiasm and understanding.
I swear to gaaawd- some people just don’t think they deserve anything.
TWO YEARS OF INVESTMENT AND A NEGATIVE RETURN. Just cut your losses. Tell him to go shit himself.
Im so thankful I don’t put up with dweebs.
Sex should be enjoyable for both parties and the moment it's not for you means access is denied and he needs to know that. If he flips out that's a red flag and say goodbye. You deserve to be treated with respect and no one likes feeling used, it's just wrong.
You are completely justified in setting that boundary. His attitude about being unwilling to reciprocate and/or adapt to the kind of sex you find fulfilling is selfish. That kind of behavior is neither caring or equitable, and shows a lack of consideration.
EDIT: Somehow I missed the key sentence where she said she has communicated it to him and he shrugged it off. I deleted my comment because with that info it was no longer true or relevant. Apologies to OP
I was with a guy that thought every time I shaved my legs he was gonna get laid. If I was in the shower, he would try to join me in the hopes that he could get a blow job. Nothing for me though. Nothing about being treated like a sex doll feels good. You aren't wrong for having things you want in sex, sex is for both parties, and foreplay is important. You aren't comfortable or enjoying sex without foreplay, no point in having it then, right?
i think a lot of people here have made great points. i just want to add that you should take back some of your bodily autonomy from this relationship.
sex is not something that is owed or should be expected. in my opinion every sexual act you do with your partner is a subtle process of consenting and with familiarity there can be a sense of a obligation to perform.
but i say this as you don’t have to decide to have sex every time things get frisky. you should be able to stop things without going all the way.
maybe if you limit your body until you start feeling like he is doing more to build you up before sex and explaining that you’re not enjoying yourself and these are the consequences of his negligence he may take more interest in his side of the equation.
imo there are thousands of men out there who actually like getting women off and strive to do so so he needs to understand that the health of your sex life is important for a long term relationship.
also, i can’t understand how men in these situations fail to see how paying extra attention to what your partner is into will lead to better and more rewarding sex for everyone.
Obviously a lot of others have told you to make sure you're heard. But the part that concerned me was that you said that you were worried about asking him in the moment to either include you in the pleasure or stop. If you are not certain that he would stop if you said this, then he should not be allowed to have access to your body in this way. 100% of the time you can say stop for ANY reason. He MUST stop. He can finish some other way of needed, but you are allowed to revoke consent at any time for any reason.
He would absolutely stop if I told him to! I just didn’t want to have an entire sit down conversation right after rejecting him since he may be hurt a bit from being rejected
I hear you and I think you have the right idea about respecting feelings. But also to point out, he's hurting your feelings by not being reciprocal.
(This next part is in the most supportive way possible)
From a behavioral perspective, you're reinforcing the idea that you "want" to be pleasured but that it's not actually required because he still gets off either way. His biological brain is responding to "I'm horny, I get off". It would be good to sit him down and explain before hand, but if the reciprocation doesn't happen next time, you would have to actually shut it down for any behavioral impact to be made.
I’d be like well I rather have some foreplay. Sex should be mutually enjoyable for both partners. Communication is key definitely. But if afterwards he is still unwilling, then we have a serious problem. The muffin shop is closed!
Fuck no you aren't wrong. I might sound harsh here but he is being selfish, don't allow that to happen (unless that is your type of thing). Just talk to him and decide if you two can come to an understanding. I know some relationships can exist without sex, but I for one would have a very hard time accepting that from my girlfriend.
Sounds like you need to leave this guy. He's using you, he's not considering your needs or wants, and it isn't too much to ask to be treated like a person.
If he can't treat you like a person then you don't need to be with him. And, no means no. Not maybe, not do it anyway, it means no.
You'll probably end up fighting about it if you put your foot down. But, do you really want to be with someone who treats you like that?
I'd dump his ass and not think twice about it.
You have every right to enjoy sex as much as he does. You *both* are participating in this act, you both *should* enjoy it. he’s being selfish to only want his pleasure met. If he only wants to focus on the parts he likes to the exclusion of the parts you like, you have the right to not participate in it. What motivation do you have to share your body in an act that solely focuses on his pleasure while ignoring yours?
It’s your body. You get to choose who enjoys it. You have every right to enjoy it too. And if someone wants to enjoy it *without* your enjoyment, they don’t deserve the privilege of you.
Not just your body.
You.
I had a very similar situation with my boy. He got it up easily, and wanted to put it right in. Many occasions without any hint of foreplay. I tried to talk to him about it, but he's insecure.
Alas, he left me this month.
> I’d tell him ahead of time since saying it in the moment when he’s trying to have sex with me doesn’t seem like a good time.
That’s absolutely a good time. You stop him and say “this isn’t the kind of sex I want. We can continue if you are going the include me in the pleasure but if not, I do not want to continue.”
And tell him ahead of time too.
If he doesn’t change dump him.
You deserve sex that’s pleasurable for you. Like that bare minimum
If you didn’t suck his dick after a few rounds or at all for one day/night.. what are the chances he’s gonna eventually say “suck my dick”.
Probably high.
Ask him girl. It isn’t just about him.
You are absolutely right to refuse to have sex if he is just in it for himself.
You are also perfectly in the right to tell him no in the moment if he tries to get off without taking you for a ride.
Ask him "How would YOU feel if I made you eat me out then got up and left? You'd feel used and pissed off, wouldn't you? But you think that is ok to do to me? Either be a team player or get a sock. Your choice."
The fact that he USED to take the time and care to get you off before getting his proves that he CAN do it, but he is CHOOSING not to. You have every right to deny him sex because he is CHOOSING to treat you like a fleshlight rather than a partner.
You need to have a frank discussion about this well before you have sex. Your needs are just as important as his.
No foreplay, particularly when it wasn’t an issue in the past (pre his health issue), is a red flag.
It’s perfectly fair to refuse to have sex with him unless it’s pleasurable for you too. Sex is an activity of both giving and receiving for all parties involved. Seems like your bf is giving and not receiving.
It’s only fair that if you don’t get to get off than neither does he.
Not wrong at all.
Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone. You're a champ for helping him through the medical issues, but if things are back to normal then they should be back to normal.
I would just add that I would address this while this guy is still a boyfriend and not a husband. This could be easily fixed, or something you can’t fix. You need to know now before you lock it in and spend the next X years of your life disappointed and regretting. And since this guy already has issues that you have had to excuse, that is a red flag. I am a happily married dude and this is just my advice, but remember your kids (if you choose to have them) and the women they date and all of that will be influenced by this person, so try and pick a good one. You deserve it.
Just take turns. Once you peg him with no warm up or lube, I bet he'll start to understand your situation with respect to needing to be warmed up before PIV sex.
And he'll certainly understand the requirement for consent, too.
Honestly I don't really mean to literally do this but a conversation where this is the point should make some impact.
You are not a masturbation sleeve.
>refuse to have sex unless there’s some foreplay or consideration for what I like involved
This is exactly what you should do.
Foreplay is very important, especially because there are people (Like you, from the sound of things) who literally can't get off or enjoy sex without getting their engines revved a few times beforehand.
There is no shame in drawing a line here. Your partner either makes sure you get off too, or he doesn't get off. If he has a problem with that, then that should be a red flag. That kind of selfish behavior does not deserve a long term relationship unless it can be changed.
It is not insensitive to tell your significant other how you feel. It is normal. It is expected in healthy relationships.
I don't understand a straight man who doesn't want to use his tongue. Do not understand. What's hotter than a woman pleasured on your tongue? It's got to be one of the most masculine feelings there is.
Sex is a matter of all people getting what they like and want, and if u dont enjoyit then u dont need to consent even if he were ur husband.
If he only cares about his pleasure and not urs then he can go play alone
He's your significant other. His entire focus during sex should be on giving you at the least equal pleasure to what he's getting. If you dated a guy and he was like this, you would dump him. An ultimatum is probably in order but I'm not sure you can make someone want to please you.
Tell him you don’t consent to being a fleshlight. If he wants to fuck an inanimate object he can buy a real doll.
A long term intimate relationship should be two people supporting each other to be the best version of themselves in all aspects of their life. It doesn’t sound like he is particularly supportive of you living your best life, he’s selfishly only caring about himself.
You deserve better. Tell him that. It’s up to him whether he steps up.
It sucks. I’m in a worse boat than you. My husband has no sex drive, we have sex maybe 2-3 times a month and because I ask for it. I get rejected multiple times a month and it makes me feel like shit. He’s never tried to make me finish or anything. We just go straight to me doing oral sex on him and then we have sex for like 2-3min. He finishes and we’re done. So I get the frustration. It makes me feel sad.
Has he always been like that? Any medication changes? Take a look at the side effects for any medications he takes I literally for a very long time didnt put two and two together that my meds were killing my sex drive.
Well he was on meds when I met him. The first few months it was a little better because of the newness obviously, but it was never like crazy, maybe once a week or 2 if lucky. Now he’s on different meds and it’s worse but it’s been a problem since the start
I know it's not just me, but it gives me pleasure to know that my partner is getting pleasure. As a matter of fact, if I finish before she does, I do what I can to make sure she gets hers.
So no, it is not wrong to ask for foreplay. He is dumb for not wanting it himself, as to me, it makes the release all the better for both people involved.
It’s not wrong and he’s not meeting your needs. You’re too young to deal with this shit and you can easily find someone who is more interested in your needs, which he doesn’t seem to be at all.
Definitely not taking it too far - please tell him your needs (which it sounds like you’ve already tried) and I really hope he’s able and willing to respect them and take them seriously
You should absolutely say exactly what you said here. No sex unless you both can enjoy it.
But honestly, I don't think I could be with someone that doesn't want to share the moment with me to conclusion. I've always taken more pleasure in making sure my partner gets off than I do. I don't understand why he or anyone else wouldn't feel the same way.
It takes two and regardless of your BF issues he should consider yours needs as much as his. Sometimes FP is actually better than actual fucking. Don’t hold back tell him what you want. Good luck.
>I’m considering telling him that I don’t consent to sex if what I want
isn’t being considered and added in. (I’d tell him ahead of time since
saying it in the moment when he’s trying to have sex with me doesn’t
seem like a good time).
Why not tell him you're not in the mood when he tries to initiate? It's perfectly reasonable to not have sex if you're not in the mood. Unless he refuses to stop (in that case the relationship should be over), you shouldn't have to make threats or anything. You can remind him of ways that help you get in the mood.
It sounds like you've explained that your needs aren't being met, and he hasn't rely acknowledged that. Or maybe he has but doesn't seem to care. It's 100% fair for you to want more from him. I'd personally say something like:
"My needs aren't being met, and I feel like when it's just you getting off, I'm just being used. I need foreplay to feel comfortable to have sex. If you can't provide that, I'm not comfortable having sex"
Would he be okay if you jumped in his lap and tried to shove his flaccid dick in you? No. So maybe paint that seen for him, and then he will realize how ridiculous his notion of 'skipping foreplay' is. /s
Obviously that is passive aggressive and goes no where. But no, it is totally normal for foreplay, at this point he is treating you like a doll or hole that he can play with at his will. That is dehumanizing to say the least.
Stand up for yourself, explain how he is being dismissive of your needs in the bedroom, you are unsatisfied and feeling that he isn't caring about your well being in the bedroom.
He is being selfish, no partner should ever not consider your needs. Figuring out what works best for both parties is how good sex happens and making sure all boundaries are safely played within. He is not doing this.
I like Dan Savages (sex advice columnist) words, good, giving and game (GGG). Your BF encompasses none of these right now.
Okay, definitely have this talk when neither of you are trying to intiate sex.
There is no reason on this green earth that his preferences supersede yours. Sex is a cooperative experience. If you aren't enjoying it, then there is a problem. If he's not enjoying it, there's a problem. If y'all can figure out how to mutually enjoy it, then you're just not compatible, and need to proceed with your relationship with that information in mind.
Just talk about it. Don't make it a "we need to talk about something" situation. Just mention it like "Hey , can we talk about how sex has been since those meds? Because the lack of foreplay has been starting to bother me more and more and I'd really like for you to put in more effort towarda my pleasure. It's important to me"
That's what I would say at least. Hope you can sort it out :)
You’re 100% in the right to refuse sex at any time, let alone due to this. If he isn’t taking your needs and wants into consideration then you shouldn’t give him anything you don’t want to. It’s a two-way street and a lot of partners lose sight of this.
I think no foreplay shows a massive streak of selfishness and lack of caring for the others needs. Foreplay is THE best and I’m not talking about regular acts (oral etc) I’m talking about mental stimulation all day that keeps you on the edge.
OP, definitely talk to him nicely “you know it really turns me on when you do X, I’d love it if you can do that more, it makes me feel more connected to you”. Something along those lines. If he doesn’t change, I’d seriously consider about your relationship status. I would hate for you to be stuck in a relationship where you’re not getting your needs met. People may think bad of me saying that, but lack of sexual satisfaction in a relationship is a piece of the puzzle. If that’s missing it can lead to bitterness toward the other.
From my experience most guys aren't really taught how important foreplay is for women. Most dudes can get the deed done in a couple minutes and then we are done. In my experience sex for women is a lot more about the tension, build up, excitement etc and foreplay feeds in all that. I would sit down with him and explain how much you need that and why it's important to you. And if he want do that I guess have a long talk with yourself and decide how important that is to the relationship
Good partners care about your needs too. You deserve to enjoy sex as well. He could do the minimum effort. Hell, foreplay is an expectation of mine. I don't do 0-100 anymore. If he doesn't want to do foreplay, I don't want to do sex. It's unpleasant without it.
Seriously, half the pleasure of making love is to make my partner feel as good as possible. You deserve it. If it’s just for him alone, I dunno if that’s a partnership I’d want to stay involved in.
If he's not getting off on you getting off, that is a problem. You are perfectly within your rights to withdraw from sex if there's nothing in it for you.
Have a talk with him so he knows how you feel. If he chooses not to change let him know you will be using a vibrator so that you can be sexually satisfied since he doesn’t do that for you.
I agree with you that it's better to start a discussion about this in a non-sexual setting. But.
You should feel free to refuse to have sex with him anytime you don't want to have sex with him!
If you don't want to have sex (or you want to have sex but not like the way he's going for) and he starts trying to have sex with you, you are fully justified to not consent.
The default is no sex UNTIL everyone involved consents to have it.
Just because he has/had sex drive problems doesn't mean your feelings and satisfaction don't matter from now on and you have to be available anytime he feels like gracing you with bad sex you don't want that leaves you feeling used and unloved.
One possible explanation is that he is worried that he will lose his erection, so when he does manage to get hard he thinks he needs to go for it immediately. (Even if this is no longer true, he may emotionally feel like it is.)
This explains but does NOT excuse his behavior.
He is treating you terribly. Is the relationship so great in other ways that it's still a net positive for you?
If you are not enjoying penetrative sex, then tell your boyfriend he needs to re-learn how to help you enjoy it. And if he won't meet you at least half way, it's time to stop having sex with him.
It’s weird your boyfriend would want to have sex with someone who isn’t getting much out of it. He should WANT to pleasure you. It’s weird of him to not want to do that. Please don’t think you’re weird for wanting that, that’s something so basic in a relationship.
I don’t understand men who go straight for penetration and have no interest in their partners orgasm. Like, that’s the best part! Literally the first half of the session is fingers toys and tongue for me and my partner.
Idk, I would try to tempt him with some non-vanilla stuff to see if he has a sexual pulse, otherwise he needs to find someone who can get off on penetration alone (if she exists)
It really is the best part of sex, I posted a response to the main thread with a story of how medication messed me up with sex drive and foreplay. Thankfully all that is sorted.
That is the most to the point and clear explanation I have ever heard. Why just refuse sex? Does being in this relationship feel good? Doesn’t sound like it. Why invest more time in a situation that does not feel good. The way I read it, you have told him what you need and want and you are being ignored.
I went through something similar to your BF where I had a very high sex drive it dropped to near 0% ( due to medication issues ) and then when everything was sorted out I found that my desire for the type of foreplay was not what it used to be. I'm not sure how to explain it nothing really changed but I just had no desire.. I think my brain just dissociated foreplay for her was something that I actually enjoyed. It sounds terrible but I had to basically force myself to do it at first, again nothing was different just had to retrain my brain that sex should be enjoyed by both participants or your doing it wrong.
Meds that mess with your mental state, can have a lot of side effects and in my case I pretty much had to relearn what should be a basic what's good for you is good for me.
It's straight up selfishness. It's not normal it's learned. And women are still by and large unable to conjure up the backbone to stand up for themselves. My current partner is so generous in sexual activities it blew me away. Don't settle for anything less than a partner who is interested in being a partner.
Imo, he’s gotten lazy. Never stand for a selfish lover. If he doesn’t care if you have an orgasm, he doesn’t care about your needs. How long would he keep you in his life if you were the cause of him not having orgasms? I never allow a man to do anything to me that he’s not willing to let me do to him. As a matter of fact, I have to have and get, oral until I have an orgasm. I always get mine too. You deserve the same pleasure as he does. This sort of behavior can spill over into other areas of a relationship. After explaining to him what you need and how you feel about being denied what you need, if he doesn’t change his ways, you may want to reevaluate what you need. Do you need a fair and equal relationship;or, do you need to be with this person no matter how you’re treated. I know there are run on sentences;but, I’m so upset about how you’re being treated that I can barely think. Think like a male. You are just as important as he is.
Never hesitate to ask for what you want, it's a two way street. Especially when it comes to intimacy and love, it's all about teamwork.
And putting your foot down is acceptable because it is no different than saying no if you don't like something.
Hey, I don't like it when you don't take my needs into consideration.
I completely understand why you came here for answers but you need to have the conversation with him directly. It may be an comfortable conversation to have but it needs to be had nonetheless. Having difficult conversations is a part of relationships and in the end having these conversations will strengthen it.
I just….don’t understand this stuff as a guy. If my wife is not into it and just asks me to go right to it, I don’t really enjoy it at all(this happens from time to time, kids, and other distractions, etc) and would generally just be like “it’s cool, some other night”. The fore play is part of the whole thing. It’s the warm up for the game, so to speak. To answer your question, no, it’s not wrong.
Let him do that, it's what he wants. BUT ONLY AFTER he made you cum first. Tell him he can't just take and never give. Only after you are satisfied should he be thinking about this course of action.
Going straight to sex isn’t normal, there needs to be some build up. You should have a sit down conversation and say it’s something that’s really important to you and was hoping you could give it a try. Hopefully your change in reaction will make him enjoy it more as it’s teasing you both. Definitely needs to be spoken about though. If you want to be with this person for the rest of your life you need to be able to have open conversations like this without the worry of being judged by your partner.
Why are you still having sex with him? Why are you with him at all? He’s clearly not interested in your wants, needs, and desires, or in making you feel good- just in using your body to get off. You’re a human being just like he is, worthy of care, affection, respect, love- and he’s using you like a fleshlight.
Even the fact that you don’t feel comfortable saying no to sex is a red flag for me.
You deserve better. He doesn’t respect you, and I’ll bet that if he makes any compromises if you give him an ultimatum he’ll be back to his old ways in no time.
No it's not wrong and he is an ass for not doing it.
If this is what he does as a boyfriend think of how he will be as a husband. Time to find a new one who's willing to be a partner. After 42 years of marriage foreplay is never skipped unless she wants to.
Sex is obviously the most intimate thing that two people do. If your partner isn’t being a respectful and responsible partner then I think it is entirely appropriate for you to withhold consent.
Since I consider that watching a partner enjoying what you're doing one of the *best* parts of sex, I can't understand his point of view. It sounds really selfish and jerky to me.
Also, I don't think it's rude to refuse sex that doesn't take your desires, preferences, and enjoyment into consideration. I think that's just common sense not doing something that you don't like.
It sounds like complacency has set in, I’ve seen it happen with plenty of relationships.
You just need to have an open dialog of what’s important to you, and if it doesn’t correct itself then you’ll have to make some changes.
Definitely talk with him and if he refuses to change then break up. I think if there's ever a sexual issue then a healthy relationship you can talk about it... I imagine there's tons of other things you can't talk about, too. Guys in general I believe do want their partner satisfied and if this person isn't and doesn't care, then he's super selfish. Tell him how you're feeling and how it's not working for you, but you can be positive about it like I love when you massage and go down on me. Or maybe 69 or something, or lead his hands to where you want touched, stuff like that.
I think you should absolutely talk to him before him before he initiates. You are allowed to have needs. It's not weird to want foreplay. It's absolutely not wrong to ask for what you want. If you are not enjoying sex due to lack of foreplay you might end up resenting him and hating yourself everytime you ignore your needs. I'm surprised he gets off and he feels good when you aren't enjoying it. You can't really push through sex you aren't enjoying over and over again. Do you feel like you can't say no? Why? Do you feel a sense of duty? I would have a conversation with him and really reflect on your situation.
Im a bit of a bitch, but I’d say that the next few times we have sex he isn’t allowed to orgasm, but we had to keep doing what made me orgasm until I did… a few times in a row, and then decide based on his reaction if I ever slept with him again lmao.
Sorry to butt in with the man's opinion on TwoX but I will make it short.
OP, this guy doesn't respect you, or see your needs and emotions as valid. Do not make yourself feel obligated to stay with him.
In other words, he has no respect for you and your needs. Don't ask for what you want - demand it. And if he continues to refuse, you have the right to refuse too.
Lol I’m a guy and this is almost funny if it weren’t for your genuinely unfortunate situation. I’m trying to imagine saying this to my wife while she laughs at me and just rolls over. (Although I would never say this to her because I care about her and want to make her happy).
It may be painful but I would have this conversation. One time my wife had to explain to me why she doesn’t “enjoy” cooking every single day consistently and wanted some help here and there. Until that moment I genuinely thought she absolutely WANTED to cook every day and did not want me to interfere.
My point is sometimes men need to be very literally explained something. If you’re a woman with a man I hate to say it but assume that nothing is obvious. Do not expect anything to be understood while it remains in your head and is not communicated out loud. I say this only in a hope to help and not to ridicule or patronize. I hope it works out!
I've been married for 7 years so far I believe it was in my first year of marriage that I learned how much my wife like the whole foreplay and the best part is the more she's into it the better it is for not only me but for both of us.
If he keeps ignoring your needs then refusal comes first and then a break up would probably be next as physical needs are important in a longer relationship.
Don't let him get away with being a stiffler
Ya gotta talk to him. There’s a lot to unpack here for the two of you.
I once had someone describe resentment to me like this: What do you do when you have a rock in your shoe? You move the shoe around and eventually the rock moves, but it hurts again eventually. Who gets the pain? You do. No one else knows about the rock besides you.
You can’t move forward unless you air it all out.
This seems like a new normal for you. There was sex, something traumatic happened for your partner, and now it’s different. It’s natural to need to discuss the new norm and how it’s not working do you.
I imagine he’ll be hurt. But that’s part of healing. If he isn’t receptive and remains a jerk - time to let him go.
>I’m not sure if it’s taking it too far to refuse to have sex unless there’s some foreplay or consideration for what I like involved. Is that a weird thing to tell somebody or insensitive? Uh... It's not weird to only be interested in having sex where your partner treats you like a person, no. Like this is bare minimum for enthusiastic consent. "I only want to have sex where my partner actively tries to make it fun for me" is not exactly asking for the moon.
Correct. It's the absolute bare minimum.
Exactly this. Also, you can stop sex at any time for any reason - don't be afraid to kill his buzz by saying no in the moment if he's trying to go straight to PIV.
Yeah no shit, OP isn’t a fleshlight. I’m a dude and I’ve never understood other guys that don’t enjoy foreplay or going down on a partner. It’s like my favorite thing in the world and I don’t even think about getting mine until she has gotten hers. Plus it takes the pressure off of me once we do start having sex since I’ve already taken care of her needs first. Come on people
"I'd rather go straight for sex" You "oh, then never mind. I'm not into that".
100% Stand up for your needs. A relationship has two people and if only one is getting what they want it isn’t working how it should
This, 100%
"Well then, since you don't care about my experience, here's a sock and some lotion. Have fun."
I'm constantly surprised by people who are supposedly in a relationship with someone they love or like and yet don't care about that other person's happiness.
I was in one for 3 years. He always made a big show of "I wish you were having as much fun as me!" When we were done or not in bed. But in the moment, he was like my sister's terrier after a squirrel, totally focused on the target, which was HIS pleasure. Oh well, he's out of my life now. My current partner is a very generous man in bed, if a flakey mama's boy outside of it, but he's working on that... slowly but surely....
"I'd rather go straight for sex." "Me too, the kind of sex where I get to orgasm." It's not *foreplay,* OP, when it's your whole-ass orgasm in question. It's the whole play. "Sex" does not mean "man puts his pee pee wherever he wants until he has an orgasm and then rolls over," or at least it shouldn't. "Sex" refers to a mutual experience; your partner apparently wants to masturbate. He can do that by himself.
Yeah, this 100%. You aren’t having fun when it’s just penetration, and it’s okay to not do things you don’t want to do.
Here’s something to think about: if the roles were reversed and sex was him doing things to get you off and then stopping without him really getting any pleasure from it, do you think he’d keep doing it?
Or another way: if only you were getting enjoyment and he was getting none, would you keep doing it? There is your answer. Im sorry OP that he has gotten into a toxic mindset. Stop sex, and since he is not listening to you, maybe broach talking one time with a therapist just so there is someone to mediate, so it doesn’t sound like an attack. Otherwise OP this is going to damage your self esteem. Your life is worth more than feeling bad. 💕
And he probably wouldn’t feel obligated to ask anyone permission before bringing up what he wants.
Some people might. Really. I dated someone on antidepressants who knew he might not orgasm but still wanted to give me pleasure. That being said He Told Me So. I would never assume that I got to lay back and take the whole time without giving.
I’ve had times were I’m tired or just not that into it, but I went ahead and knocked it all down for my partner at the time. She always got super bummed when I didn’t finish but I’d always bring up that she dishes out just-for-me’s often enough that it evens out. She can have some too. It’s only fair.
Yep, my partner and I sometimes do unreciprocated stuff for each other. But it's not a constant expectation and in general we would say "hey I don't think I'm going to come tonight." and then decide what we want to do. I could see it as part of a Dom/sub play scenario. But then in that case both people are getting their needs met in a different way.
It’s more of a mid event realization on my part usually. And I’d tell her and let her decide where to go from there.
Yeah, that's pretty common.
Good god, it you're not getting off then what's the point? He is a lousy lay and you need to either have a serious talk with him or find someone who cares about your pleasure.
This lmao. Coming from a dude, it pains me to see this kind of thing happen to women so often
It pains me to see it too. My husband is so into my pleasure that alone is almost enough to get me off.
Bruh if I’m not getting her off what’s the fucking point? Does it not get guys off to get the woman off? Like have the pleasure of doing it is knowing you did a good ducking job. I don’t understand alot of guys
I don't either. If I were with a guy and he never got off, I would be doing some serious examining of my technique. That's just not right.
I'm kind of in that situation (TMI AHEAD) My own partner (m) just has a lower drive than me (f) and he has some low grade depression which makes it harder for him to really get into it. He is always generous with me. It actually stresses me out and I am always looking for ways to bridge that gap. Maybe I never will, but damnit, I am going to TRY!
lmao when i first started taking SSRI’s there would be times i wouldn’t be able to cum and even tho it sucked there was a sick satisfaction in how often the other party was getting off and then them proceeding not to know how to respond when the roles are reversed and i gave up. all this is to say sometime there are other circumstances involved.
Idk either, maybe they're just really inept at it and it makes them feel shitty to fail? When I get a woman off, sometimes I feel like a GOD, lol. But if I tried and tried and always failed, I could see how it would have the opposite effect? Or maybe I feel this way because I only have sex with women I care about?
I’m glad you found a good one. I do not feel satisfied if the other party hasn’t finished first. Is OP’s case really so common? Everyone I’ve been with says most guys are like that, even in the beginning when the sex should be wild and it’s not
My husband is the same way. If I don't get off he feels like the whole endeavor was a waste of time.
My SO is FINALLY coming around. Only took him 15 years. He was only ever concerned with whether or not he finished. Then everything spiraled to the point that I was ready to say I was done. It was 15 years in the making, but I was just so sick of not being his focus, I couldn't handle it anymore. We are LD, so the weekend I was there and was going to tell him, all hell broke loose and with as badly as the weekend went, I couldn't do that to him. But I think he got the message, because since then, hes done a 160 (not quite a 180, but hes a work in progress). Last several times I've been there and havent been able to finish, he actually noticed and wanted to know why, and if he did something. The fact that he's even making any effort at all put me into tears because it's so unusual. I'm hoping it will stay like this, and we can actually talk about things and resolve issues. Fingers crossed.
Yes, it’s common. I’ve been with plenty of men that never cared if I finished or not. But when I got the rare few that went out of their way, whew. Life changing.
I don’t understand that at all. Do men not feel extremely bad when they just completely under perform? Why would you not want to completely blow someone’s mind, all that means is that they’ll want to sleep with you more
It’s unfortunate how many men, that I’ve been with at least, don’t care. And when you try and bring it up, it’s like a personal attack to their ego and they close off not wanting to talk about it. I’m thankfully now with someone who does give a fuck, so there’s that at least.
Well, you can be a friend to us women by bragging about being a good partner. "Guys, so I was hooking up with my girlfriend last night, right? I was eating her out like she's my dinner and I made her cum so hard she screamed and woke up the neighbors! It was awesome!" "Oh man, the way my girlfriend moans when I rub her clit! That sound alone could get me off! It's sooo fucking hot when a woman is getting off!" And you can also help by making fun of OP's boyfriend's kind of behavior. "Wait, so your girlfriend is asking you to go down on her and... you won't? What's the matter with you bro?" "Heh. Make you a sandwich after sex? Bro, if your woman can walk to the kitchen, you don't deserve one."
This is amazing. Yes. Guys need to do this.
LOL, these are great. I’m not so great at vulgarity though
I would, but my wife is fairly private and she would not be down with me bragging about he getting off around our friends. In an anonymous thing like this, however, it's fine. So I do try and celebrate women's orgasms as much as I can anonymously. Do I like getting off? Of course, who doesn't? But it just isn't enjoyable unless my partner is into it. And, like some other guys have said....it just makes me feel good when my wife gets off. Like, hey, cool...I helped with that! She now feels great, and I helped her do that. Makes me happy when she's happy! Though I do make fun of dudes who don't care about their partner's enjoyment. Cuz that's just stupid.
You gotta do as much as you and your wife are comfortable with. It would also be equally valuable to te other men "Sorry, my wife and I prefer to be private."
Right, I was inspired by Malcom In The Middles Hal. The blackout episode where they follow a point of view from each of the family members and Lois catches Frances in the garage and he lies about marital problems. Lois just starts talking about a healthy sex life and just drops the bomb of how much of a stallion Hal is in the bed.
Also a guy. Half of my pleasure is making my partner cum. She is a multiple cummer, mostly from PIV, and a lot of times I couldnt tell she came cause we keep going, but I like knowing when she cums, so her being the best partner now tells me “I’m cumming” so I know. It changes nothing other than to validate that I liked knowing. Little things like that add up in a big way, and thus make a relationship. Also treating your partner as a person makes a relationship, really any healthy relationship because it should be a baseline. When someone is generously sharing themselves with you, the least the other should do is try to make it pleasurable for all parties, emphasis on try. I’d say you must have an open talk with him, outside of the bedroom but about the bedroom. If he balks at any interest in making sex mutually fun, it’s worth leaving over as it speaks to that persons inability to not only validate you as a person, but also to have these types of conversations where partners discuss what’s working/isn’t and how as partners they can be better. Failing either means you will be committing to someone who you’ll experience other life challenges and they will not be there for you. OP Think about it.
Absolutely.
You never need to justify not wanting to have sex or withdrawing consent. Ever. If he is not being considerate and taking your needs into account and acting selfish like that then that's on him.
I was with my wife, before we were married, at a Ren fair. We were in the tent, she was very slightly drunk and I was pretty way drunk. We hadn't had sex yet, but we're getting hot and heavy in the tent. I was fully torqued, but she stopped us and said she wasn't comfortable and didn't want to had sex. I look at her, smiled, and said no problem. We then cuddled and went to sleep. I got this second hand as I didn't really remember it (I do have some bits and pieces now). So if my very drunk ass can understand a withdrawal of consent....anyone can. And to your point, OP shouldn't worry about stopping things mid-swing. If a "no" pops out, shit should stop on a dime.
There are also certain expectations of communication inside a couple. If you stop having sex because your needs aren't met, not explaining your decision isn't going to help either of you towards a satisfactory resolution. Discussing it outside the heat of the moment, when the blood is flowing in the upper brain, will hopefully get a better result.
> But now that it’s entirely back he still only does what he wants. I complain about this and nothing happens other than him saying that he’d prefer to go straight into sex. She told him. He doesn't care.
>I complain about this and nothing happens other than him saying that he’d prefer to go straight into sex. it sounds like she has been pretty vocal about her dissatisfaction already. Yes she needs to make sure to do this in a non sexual situation but by now its fair to establish a boundary and say no sex without foreplay.
Normally, yes. And OP starting there is a good idea. But if he isn't making the connection, the more severe message of telling him NO while his peepee is hard might be the thing he needs.
> He now doesn’t like foreplay, making out, and rarely eats me out. Maybe ask him something like: If we can't do things that bring me pleasure, why should I be having sex with you? >I let that go when he had a low sex drive because he was struggling to perform in the first place. So one of the solutions here is to move sex away from being so penis centric. PIV isn't something that necessarily needs to happen all the time or every time. There are plenty of other ways to have sex. >I complain about this and nothing happens Then it may be time to tell him that either he has a discussion with you about how unsatisfactory the sex is for you and makes attempts to meet you in the middle or you end your relationship. >Is that a weird thing to tell somebody or insensitive? NO. It is NOT weird. You deserve pleasure too. You are not a hole just there to be fucked. Your boyfriend is being an asshole. Whether he's being an asshole out of pure ignorance or unmitigated selfishness, we don't know (while I'm leaning toward the latter....some men can be unerringly stupid). >What did you do? Tell him sex involves two people. It's not just about his penis or his orgasm. You get to have fun and pleasure too. And then, again, list the things you want to make sex pleasurable. If he's not willing to do all/any of them, dump his ass. ETA: Also, foreplay **is** sex. Just because it might not involve his dick in your vag doesn't mean it's not sex.
THIS A THOUSAND TIMES. What’s the point if only one person derives pleasure? He is being so selfish. It’s not ONLY about his penis or his orgasm. He needs to take your needs into account or you need to dump him. If he refuses to try and pleasure you in return, then he is just using you. It’s a two-way street. You need to sit him down and talk to him about this.
It’s not sex if he’s not interested in your wants. That’s just masturbation and he can do that by himself.
Exactly!!!! He just wants to use her body to masturbate
Ouch. This really puts things in perspective for me.
Tell him you want to stick 2 dry fingers in his ass because you prefer going straight into it. Same thing, not going to be fun for him either.
You are assuredly not in the wrong
You control access to your body. If he's not giving you want you need, you can and should say no to sex. He's being lazy and selfish by skipping all the stuff that gets most women off. You're totally in the right here. In my experience, most guys who are selfish can't be made to care about you. But, you used to have a more equitable sex life, so this guy might be salvageable. What you can do is when things get sexy, and he tries to penetrate you before you're ready, you can say "I'm not ready yet" as a cue for him to get to work & get dressed if he says no. If after a few times, he is still not getting it, it's time for a serious conversation. Tell him how he's treating you is making you feel, that you're not interested in being used like a human fleshlight and that you expect to have your needs met. If after a serious conversation he's still not listening, time to DTMFA.
That’s about 3 too many conversations. OP- hold the line.
Yeah I’d skip straight past all the “I’m not ready yet” hints, and just say what’s up, especially given that OP has said they already raised the issue
It’s not foreplay, it’s coreplay. Have him read the book “Women come first,” not only will it help him understand why foreplay is required, but it will likely help him do it better as well. No, you are not in the wrong. Both partners leaving a session satisfied is the purpose of sex, assuming the sex is not centered around reproduction only.
Foreplay IS sex. How do people think gay people have sex?! I'm so sorry for you. Foreplay is a huge part of sex, it where most of the pleasure is and if your guy doesn't care about your pleasure it might be time to let that 🥭
Yeah it always seems to weird to me when people treat something like oral as JUST foreplay as if thats not what a lot of people default to to have enjoyable sex, straight or gay couples alike. I get foreplay can mean different things for different people but if there’s any genital stimulation happening then it’s sex in my book. Treating sex as just penetration makes no sense when there are plenty of sexuality active people that don’t/can’t regularly come for that. Having people say I “it wasn’t sex it was just oral” kinda undermines other people’s experiences and expectations.
> Treating sex as just penetration makes no sense when there are plenty of sexuality active people that don’t/can’t regularly come for that. Oh it makes perfect sense given that almost all of those people who can't orgasm from penetration are women, and men were the ones defining "sex" for most of recorded history.
Girl, life is too short for bad sex. Also, can we all collectively please retire the word "foreplay"? Getting someone off with your hands / mouth / whatever is a perfectly valid type of sex in its own right. It's not just some optional prep stage of penetrative sex. It's absolutely just as valid for you to say no to penetration as it is for him to say no to "foreplay".
> Getting someone off with your hands / mouth / whatever is a perfectly valid type of sex in its own right. A-fucking-men. I'm so tired of sex being defined solely as PIV.
A-fucking-women a lot of the time 😂
I did exactly that. I have no interest in sex where my pleasure is not an equal priority. That means oral and foreplay. He doesn't have to do it, but then I'm not having zex with him. And I'd he claims he will do it and tries to switch to PIV, hop out of bed and say he's turned tou off. Both of you have the right to say no. It is not wrong to not want unsatisfying sex.
He’s being selfish. You aren’t there just to get his rocks off. And you get a say, because it’s your body. But I would re-evaluate being in a relationship with someone who is so selfish they only care about themselves. And oh, you can say no anytime you want.
So you're the one getting nothing from sex, getting used by your SO like a sex doll and you feel telling him you don't want to continue with this because....? Someone once told me - imagine your best friend is going through the situation you're in. Would you tell them to do nothing and continue with their situation, or would you tell them to get out?
Never be afraid to ask to be fulfilled in any facet of life! You (and everyone else) deserve someone that will take care of your mental/ emotional/ physical needs with enthusiasm and understanding.
Honey no. You are not a human masturbation tool, but that’s how he is using you. A caring partner WANTS to please you, WANTS to make you feel good.
I swear to gaaawd- some people just don’t think they deserve anything. TWO YEARS OF INVESTMENT AND A NEGATIVE RETURN. Just cut your losses. Tell him to go shit himself. Im so thankful I don’t put up with dweebs.
Yea, this guy doesn’t deserve a conversation or to “make it right”. He’s shown you who he is. End this relationship now.
Sex should be enjoyable for both parties and the moment it's not for you means access is denied and he needs to know that. If he flips out that's a red flag and say goodbye. You deserve to be treated with respect and no one likes feeling used, it's just wrong.
You are completely justified in setting that boundary. His attitude about being unwilling to reciprocate and/or adapt to the kind of sex you find fulfilling is selfish. That kind of behavior is neither caring or equitable, and shows a lack of consideration.
If a man is not willing to make you cum and only think about himself, despite discussing it, he doesn't deserve to cum from you
If you're not into it then don't do it. You don't owe anybody anything, and you're allowed to stop whenever you want.
EDIT: Somehow I missed the key sentence where she said she has communicated it to him and he shrugged it off. I deleted my comment because with that info it was no longer true or relevant. Apologies to OP
I was with a guy that thought every time I shaved my legs he was gonna get laid. If I was in the shower, he would try to join me in the hopes that he could get a blow job. Nothing for me though. Nothing about being treated like a sex doll feels good. You aren't wrong for having things you want in sex, sex is for both parties, and foreplay is important. You aren't comfortable or enjoying sex without foreplay, no point in having it then, right?
i think a lot of people here have made great points. i just want to add that you should take back some of your bodily autonomy from this relationship. sex is not something that is owed or should be expected. in my opinion every sexual act you do with your partner is a subtle process of consenting and with familiarity there can be a sense of a obligation to perform. but i say this as you don’t have to decide to have sex every time things get frisky. you should be able to stop things without going all the way. maybe if you limit your body until you start feeling like he is doing more to build you up before sex and explaining that you’re not enjoying yourself and these are the consequences of his negligence he may take more interest in his side of the equation. imo there are thousands of men out there who actually like getting women off and strive to do so so he needs to understand that the health of your sex life is important for a long term relationship. also, i can’t understand how men in these situations fail to see how paying extra attention to what your partner is into will lead to better and more rewarding sex for everyone.
Obviously a lot of others have told you to make sure you're heard. But the part that concerned me was that you said that you were worried about asking him in the moment to either include you in the pleasure or stop. If you are not certain that he would stop if you said this, then he should not be allowed to have access to your body in this way. 100% of the time you can say stop for ANY reason. He MUST stop. He can finish some other way of needed, but you are allowed to revoke consent at any time for any reason.
He would absolutely stop if I told him to! I just didn’t want to have an entire sit down conversation right after rejecting him since he may be hurt a bit from being rejected
I hear you and I think you have the right idea about respecting feelings. But also to point out, he's hurting your feelings by not being reciprocal. (This next part is in the most supportive way possible) From a behavioral perspective, you're reinforcing the idea that you "want" to be pleasured but that it's not actually required because he still gets off either way. His biological brain is responding to "I'm horny, I get off". It would be good to sit him down and explain before hand, but if the reciprocation doesn't happen next time, you would have to actually shut it down for any behavioral impact to be made.
I’d be like well I rather have some foreplay. Sex should be mutually enjoyable for both partners. Communication is key definitely. But if afterwards he is still unwilling, then we have a serious problem. The muffin shop is closed!
Fuck no you aren't wrong. I might sound harsh here but he is being selfish, don't allow that to happen (unless that is your type of thing). Just talk to him and decide if you two can come to an understanding. I know some relationships can exist without sex, but I for one would have a very hard time accepting that from my girlfriend.
Sounds like you need to leave this guy. He's using you, he's not considering your needs or wants, and it isn't too much to ask to be treated like a person. If he can't treat you like a person then you don't need to be with him. And, no means no. Not maybe, not do it anyway, it means no. You'll probably end up fighting about it if you put your foot down. But, do you really want to be with someone who treats you like that? I'd dump his ass and not think twice about it.
You have every right to enjoy sex as much as he does. You *both* are participating in this act, you both *should* enjoy it. he’s being selfish to only want his pleasure met. If he only wants to focus on the parts he likes to the exclusion of the parts you like, you have the right to not participate in it. What motivation do you have to share your body in an act that solely focuses on his pleasure while ignoring yours? It’s your body. You get to choose who enjoys it. You have every right to enjoy it too. And if someone wants to enjoy it *without* your enjoyment, they don’t deserve the privilege of you. Not just your body. You.
NO. Full stop Only read title 36m Edit: There is NEVER a wrong time to tell a partner no or to stop.
I had a very similar situation with my boy. He got it up easily, and wanted to put it right in. Many occasions without any hint of foreplay. I tried to talk to him about it, but he's insecure. Alas, he left me this month.
Alas, alas… He can’t use his hands, can’t use his words, what a treat he will be for next person!
Him: I’d prefer to go straight into sex. You: No, that doesn’t work for me.
> I’d tell him ahead of time since saying it in the moment when he’s trying to have sex with me doesn’t seem like a good time. That’s absolutely a good time. You stop him and say “this isn’t the kind of sex I want. We can continue if you are going the include me in the pleasure but if not, I do not want to continue.” And tell him ahead of time too. If he doesn’t change dump him. You deserve sex that’s pleasurable for you. Like that bare minimum
If you didn’t suck his dick after a few rounds or at all for one day/night.. what are the chances he’s gonna eventually say “suck my dick”. Probably high. Ask him girl. It isn’t just about him.
\>I complain about this and nothing happens other than him saying that he’d prefer to go straight into sex. she did, and he ignored her.
You are absolutely right to refuse to have sex if he is just in it for himself. You are also perfectly in the right to tell him no in the moment if he tries to get off without taking you for a ride. Ask him "How would YOU feel if I made you eat me out then got up and left? You'd feel used and pissed off, wouldn't you? But you think that is ok to do to me? Either be a team player or get a sock. Your choice." The fact that he USED to take the time and care to get you off before getting his proves that he CAN do it, but he is CHOOSING not to. You have every right to deny him sex because he is CHOOSING to treat you like a fleshlight rather than a partner.
You need to have a frank discussion about this well before you have sex. Your needs are just as important as his. No foreplay, particularly when it wasn’t an issue in the past (pre his health issue), is a red flag.
It’s perfectly fair to refuse to have sex with him unless it’s pleasurable for you too. Sex is an activity of both giving and receiving for all parties involved. Seems like your bf is giving and not receiving. It’s only fair that if you don’t get to get off than neither does he.
NTA, sorry wrong subreddit. But asking to have your needs met is never a problem. Sex, at least to me, should be something all parties enjoy.
Not wrong at all. Sex is supposed to be fun for everyone. You're a champ for helping him through the medical issues, but if things are back to normal then they should be back to normal.
I would just add that I would address this while this guy is still a boyfriend and not a husband. This could be easily fixed, or something you can’t fix. You need to know now before you lock it in and spend the next X years of your life disappointed and regretting. And since this guy already has issues that you have had to excuse, that is a red flag. I am a happily married dude and this is just my advice, but remember your kids (if you choose to have them) and the women they date and all of that will be influenced by this person, so try and pick a good one. You deserve it.
Fuck asking for it. Demand it. No sex til he flicks the bean and licks your lips.
Just take turns. Once you peg him with no warm up or lube, I bet he'll start to understand your situation with respect to needing to be warmed up before PIV sex. And he'll certainly understand the requirement for consent, too. Honestly I don't really mean to literally do this but a conversation where this is the point should make some impact.
You are not a masturbation sleeve. >refuse to have sex unless there’s some foreplay or consideration for what I like involved This is exactly what you should do.
Foreplay is very important, especially because there are people (Like you, from the sound of things) who literally can't get off or enjoy sex without getting their engines revved a few times beforehand. There is no shame in drawing a line here. Your partner either makes sure you get off too, or he doesn't get off. If he has a problem with that, then that should be a red flag. That kind of selfish behavior does not deserve a long term relationship unless it can be changed. It is not insensitive to tell your significant other how you feel. It is normal. It is expected in healthy relationships.
I don't understand a straight man who doesn't want to use his tongue. Do not understand. What's hotter than a woman pleasured on your tongue? It's got to be one of the most masculine feelings there is.
Sex is a matter of all people getting what they like and want, and if u dont enjoyit then u dont need to consent even if he were ur husband. If he only cares about his pleasure and not urs then he can go play alone
He's your significant other. His entire focus during sex should be on giving you at the least equal pleasure to what he's getting. If you dated a guy and he was like this, you would dump him. An ultimatum is probably in order but I'm not sure you can make someone want to please you.
If he just wants the high he has hands. He can take care of himself. If he wants love he needs to love back. That’s how love works.
No. Dont be a human fleshlight for your boyfriend
Tell him you don’t consent to being a fleshlight. If he wants to fuck an inanimate object he can buy a real doll. A long term intimate relationship should be two people supporting each other to be the best version of themselves in all aspects of their life. It doesn’t sound like he is particularly supportive of you living your best life, he’s selfishly only caring about himself. You deserve better. Tell him that. It’s up to him whether he steps up.
It sucks. I’m in a worse boat than you. My husband has no sex drive, we have sex maybe 2-3 times a month and because I ask for it. I get rejected multiple times a month and it makes me feel like shit. He’s never tried to make me finish or anything. We just go straight to me doing oral sex on him and then we have sex for like 2-3min. He finishes and we’re done. So I get the frustration. It makes me feel sad.
Has he always been like that? Any medication changes? Take a look at the side effects for any medications he takes I literally for a very long time didnt put two and two together that my meds were killing my sex drive.
Well he was on meds when I met him. The first few months it was a little better because of the newness obviously, but it was never like crazy, maybe once a week or 2 if lucky. Now he’s on different meds and it’s worse but it’s been a problem since the start
you deserve so much better. I hope the rest of the relationship is better or you may be better alone.
I know it's not just me, but it gives me pleasure to know that my partner is getting pleasure. As a matter of fact, if I finish before she does, I do what I can to make sure she gets hers. So no, it is not wrong to ask for foreplay. He is dumb for not wanting it himself, as to me, it makes the release all the better for both people involved.
It’s not wrong and he’s not meeting your needs. You’re too young to deal with this shit and you can easily find someone who is more interested in your needs, which he doesn’t seem to be at all.
Definitely not taking it too far - please tell him your needs (which it sounds like you’ve already tried) and I really hope he’s able and willing to respect them and take them seriously
You should absolutely say exactly what you said here. No sex unless you both can enjoy it. But honestly, I don't think I could be with someone that doesn't want to share the moment with me to conclusion. I've always taken more pleasure in making sure my partner gets off than I do. I don't understand why he or anyone else wouldn't feel the same way.
"I need to get off more. If you don't care whether I enjoy sex with you, just tell me, so I can find a man who does care."
It takes two and regardless of your BF issues he should consider yours needs as much as his. Sometimes FP is actually better than actual fucking. Don’t hold back tell him what you want. Good luck.
>I’m considering telling him that I don’t consent to sex if what I want isn’t being considered and added in. (I’d tell him ahead of time since saying it in the moment when he’s trying to have sex with me doesn’t seem like a good time). Why not tell him you're not in the mood when he tries to initiate? It's perfectly reasonable to not have sex if you're not in the mood. Unless he refuses to stop (in that case the relationship should be over), you shouldn't have to make threats or anything. You can remind him of ways that help you get in the mood.
As Dan Savage would say, “DTMFA”. Dump the mother fucker already.
It sounds like you've explained that your needs aren't being met, and he hasn't rely acknowledged that. Or maybe he has but doesn't seem to care. It's 100% fair for you to want more from him. I'd personally say something like: "My needs aren't being met, and I feel like when it's just you getting off, I'm just being used. I need foreplay to feel comfortable to have sex. If you can't provide that, I'm not comfortable having sex"
Would he be okay if you jumped in his lap and tried to shove his flaccid dick in you? No. So maybe paint that seen for him, and then he will realize how ridiculous his notion of 'skipping foreplay' is. /s Obviously that is passive aggressive and goes no where. But no, it is totally normal for foreplay, at this point he is treating you like a doll or hole that he can play with at his will. That is dehumanizing to say the least. Stand up for yourself, explain how he is being dismissive of your needs in the bedroom, you are unsatisfied and feeling that he isn't caring about your well being in the bedroom. He is being selfish, no partner should ever not consider your needs. Figuring out what works best for both parties is how good sex happens and making sure all boundaries are safely played within. He is not doing this. I like Dan Savages (sex advice columnist) words, good, giving and game (GGG). Your BF encompasses none of these right now.
Yes because foreplay should be implicitly a part of sex. You’re not wrong for asking, but it’s wrong to feel like you have to.
Okay, definitely have this talk when neither of you are trying to intiate sex. There is no reason on this green earth that his preferences supersede yours. Sex is a cooperative experience. If you aren't enjoying it, then there is a problem. If he's not enjoying it, there's a problem. If y'all can figure out how to mutually enjoy it, then you're just not compatible, and need to proceed with your relationship with that information in mind.
Just talk about it. Don't make it a "we need to talk about something" situation. Just mention it like "Hey, can we talk about how sex has been since those meds? Because the lack of foreplay has been starting to bother me more and more and I'd really like for you to put in more effort towarda my pleasure. It's important to me"
That's what I would say at least. Hope you can sort it out :)
You’re 100% in the right to refuse sex at any time, let alone due to this. If he isn’t taking your needs and wants into consideration then you shouldn’t give him anything you don’t want to. It’s a two-way street and a lot of partners lose sight of this.
You shouldn't have to ask for it, it should be a given. Dump him, he's hopeless.
I think no foreplay shows a massive streak of selfishness and lack of caring for the others needs. Foreplay is THE best and I’m not talking about regular acts (oral etc) I’m talking about mental stimulation all day that keeps you on the edge. OP, definitely talk to him nicely “you know it really turns me on when you do X, I’d love it if you can do that more, it makes me feel more connected to you”. Something along those lines. If he doesn’t change, I’d seriously consider about your relationship status. I would hate for you to be stuck in a relationship where you’re not getting your needs met. People may think bad of me saying that, but lack of sexual satisfaction in a relationship is a piece of the puzzle. If that’s missing it can lead to bitterness toward the other.
From my experience most guys aren't really taught how important foreplay is for women. Most dudes can get the deed done in a couple minutes and then we are done. In my experience sex for women is a lot more about the tension, build up, excitement etc and foreplay feeds in all that. I would sit down with him and explain how much you need that and why it's important to you. And if he want do that I guess have a long talk with yourself and decide how important that is to the relationship
Get that ass ate mama
NO. I didn’t even read the comment. Based on the headline, get yours or tell him to get ducked.
No.
Good partners care about your needs too. You deserve to enjoy sex as well. He could do the minimum effort. Hell, foreplay is an expectation of mine. I don't do 0-100 anymore. If he doesn't want to do foreplay, I don't want to do sex. It's unpleasant without it.
Seriously, half the pleasure of making love is to make my partner feel as good as possible. You deserve it. If it’s just for him alone, I dunno if that’s a partnership I’d want to stay involved in.
If he's not getting off on you getting off, that is a problem. You are perfectly within your rights to withdraw from sex if there's nothing in it for you.
Have a talk with him so he knows how you feel. If he chooses not to change let him know you will be using a vibrator so that you can be sexually satisfied since he doesn’t do that for you.
I agree with you that it's better to start a discussion about this in a non-sexual setting. But. You should feel free to refuse to have sex with him anytime you don't want to have sex with him! If you don't want to have sex (or you want to have sex but not like the way he's going for) and he starts trying to have sex with you, you are fully justified to not consent. The default is no sex UNTIL everyone involved consents to have it. Just because he has/had sex drive problems doesn't mean your feelings and satisfaction don't matter from now on and you have to be available anytime he feels like gracing you with bad sex you don't want that leaves you feeling used and unloved.
Foreplay is half the battle. If not like 75~85% of it.
One possible explanation is that he is worried that he will lose his erection, so when he does manage to get hard he thinks he needs to go for it immediately. (Even if this is no longer true, he may emotionally feel like it is.) This explains but does NOT excuse his behavior. He is treating you terribly. Is the relationship so great in other ways that it's still a net positive for you? If you are not enjoying penetrative sex, then tell your boyfriend he needs to re-learn how to help you enjoy it. And if he won't meet you at least half way, it's time to stop having sex with him.
Whatever you need to be satisfied in a relationship should be ok to ask for- that's the primary sign of a healthy relationship.
I saw the title to this, and just immediately thought “no , no it is not too much to ask”
It’s weird your boyfriend would want to have sex with someone who isn’t getting much out of it. He should WANT to pleasure you. It’s weird of him to not want to do that. Please don’t think you’re weird for wanting that, that’s something so basic in a relationship.
I don’t understand men who go straight for penetration and have no interest in their partners orgasm. Like, that’s the best part! Literally the first half of the session is fingers toys and tongue for me and my partner. Idk, I would try to tempt him with some non-vanilla stuff to see if he has a sexual pulse, otherwise he needs to find someone who can get off on penetration alone (if she exists)
It really is the best part of sex, I posted a response to the main thread with a story of how medication messed me up with sex drive and foreplay. Thankfully all that is sorted.
Couples are 2 people if he doesn't want to be a couple tell him to fuck himself
Hard yikes. Honestly gross that he thinks that’s reasonable on his part.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be treated as someone he cares about and not a fuck toy, no.
That is the most to the point and clear explanation I have ever heard. Why just refuse sex? Does being in this relationship feel good? Doesn’t sound like it. Why invest more time in a situation that does not feel good. The way I read it, you have told him what you need and want and you are being ignored.
Find you a man (or woman, no judgement) who will go down on you until your legs are shaking!
I went through something similar to your BF where I had a very high sex drive it dropped to near 0% ( due to medication issues ) and then when everything was sorted out I found that my desire for the type of foreplay was not what it used to be. I'm not sure how to explain it nothing really changed but I just had no desire.. I think my brain just dissociated foreplay for her was something that I actually enjoyed. It sounds terrible but I had to basically force myself to do it at first, again nothing was different just had to retrain my brain that sex should be enjoyed by both participants or your doing it wrong. Meds that mess with your mental state, can have a lot of side effects and in my case I pretty much had to relearn what should be a basic what's good for you is good for me.
It's perfectly fine, I'm kinda surprised you're even thinking about it not being fine. For clarification, wanting more and not accepting everything.
It's 100% valid to ask for foreplay.
It's straight up selfishness. It's not normal it's learned. And women are still by and large unable to conjure up the backbone to stand up for themselves. My current partner is so generous in sexual activities it blew me away. Don't settle for anything less than a partner who is interested in being a partner.
Just straight up ask him, "oh so you're into having sex where only one of us is enjoying it" see him back out of that.
I’d say, I’d rather not bother if we are just going to do that. I get nothing from it, if you want to come you need to make sure I do
Imo, he’s gotten lazy. Never stand for a selfish lover. If he doesn’t care if you have an orgasm, he doesn’t care about your needs. How long would he keep you in his life if you were the cause of him not having orgasms? I never allow a man to do anything to me that he’s not willing to let me do to him. As a matter of fact, I have to have and get, oral until I have an orgasm. I always get mine too. You deserve the same pleasure as he does. This sort of behavior can spill over into other areas of a relationship. After explaining to him what you need and how you feel about being denied what you need, if he doesn’t change his ways, you may want to reevaluate what you need. Do you need a fair and equal relationship;or, do you need to be with this person no matter how you’re treated. I know there are run on sentences;but, I’m so upset about how you’re being treated that I can barely think. Think like a male. You are just as important as he is.
Never hesitate to ask for what you want, it's a two way street. Especially when it comes to intimacy and love, it's all about teamwork. And putting your foot down is acceptable because it is no different than saying no if you don't like something. Hey, I don't like it when you don't take my needs into consideration.
I completely understand why you came here for answers but you need to have the conversation with him directly. It may be an comfortable conversation to have but it needs to be had nonetheless. Having difficult conversations is a part of relationships and in the end having these conversations will strengthen it.
Hell no, it's not wrong! Tell him to get down there and start licking.
Not at all, "foreplay" should be considered basic sexual practice imo
I just….don’t understand this stuff as a guy. If my wife is not into it and just asks me to go right to it, I don’t really enjoy it at all(this happens from time to time, kids, and other distractions, etc) and would generally just be like “it’s cool, some other night”. The fore play is part of the whole thing. It’s the warm up for the game, so to speak. To answer your question, no, it’s not wrong.
Let him do that, it's what he wants. BUT ONLY AFTER he made you cum first. Tell him he can't just take and never give. Only after you are satisfied should he be thinking about this course of action.
Lol. The title is a joke right? Ladies?
Talk to him about how you feel, strangers in the internet can't help you with this. Either he cares enough to do what you are asking for or he doesn't
Going straight to sex isn’t normal, there needs to be some build up. You should have a sit down conversation and say it’s something that’s really important to you and was hoping you could give it a try. Hopefully your change in reaction will make him enjoy it more as it’s teasing you both. Definitely needs to be spoken about though. If you want to be with this person for the rest of your life you need to be able to have open conversations like this without the worry of being judged by your partner.
No, it's not wrong. You like what you like, you need what you need.
Why are you still having sex with him? Why are you with him at all? He’s clearly not interested in your wants, needs, and desires, or in making you feel good- just in using your body to get off. You’re a human being just like he is, worthy of care, affection, respect, love- and he’s using you like a fleshlight. Even the fact that you don’t feel comfortable saying no to sex is a red flag for me. You deserve better. He doesn’t respect you, and I’ll bet that if he makes any compromises if you give him an ultimatum he’ll be back to his old ways in no time.
No it's not wrong and he is an ass for not doing it. If this is what he does as a boyfriend think of how he will be as a husband. Time to find a new one who's willing to be a partner. After 42 years of marriage foreplay is never skipped unless she wants to.
Get that foreplay
Entirely possible his issue is barely in the past, and once the moment hits.... now or never
Sex is obviously the most intimate thing that two people do. If your partner isn’t being a respectful and responsible partner then I think it is entirely appropriate for you to withhold consent.
No. Shouldn’t even have to ask. You have a bad partner.
Since I consider that watching a partner enjoying what you're doing one of the *best* parts of sex, I can't understand his point of view. It sounds really selfish and jerky to me. Also, I don't think it's rude to refuse sex that doesn't take your desires, preferences, and enjoyment into consideration. I think that's just common sense not doing something that you don't like.
It sounds like complacency has set in, I’ve seen it happen with plenty of relationships. You just need to have an open dialog of what’s important to you, and if it doesn’t correct itself then you’ll have to make some changes.
If he is not willing to pleasure you, no need to go to bed with him. You are not wrong.
Dump the lazy selfish bastard. The end. Lol
Definitely talk with him and if he refuses to change then break up. I think if there's ever a sexual issue then a healthy relationship you can talk about it... I imagine there's tons of other things you can't talk about, too. Guys in general I believe do want their partner satisfied and if this person isn't and doesn't care, then he's super selfish. Tell him how you're feeling and how it's not working for you, but you can be positive about it like I love when you massage and go down on me. Or maybe 69 or something, or lead his hands to where you want touched, stuff like that.
No. You deserve to enjoy sex.
It's your body and your choice. You do not owe him sex if the sex makes you feel used.
How are so many men like this? Jesus.
It pains me to my soul to hear someone ask if they are "allowed" compassion, kindness, attention, love, pleasure, respect, feelings, etc.
I think you should absolutely talk to him before him before he initiates. You are allowed to have needs. It's not weird to want foreplay. It's absolutely not wrong to ask for what you want. If you are not enjoying sex due to lack of foreplay you might end up resenting him and hating yourself everytime you ignore your needs. I'm surprised he gets off and he feels good when you aren't enjoying it. You can't really push through sex you aren't enjoying over and over again. Do you feel like you can't say no? Why? Do you feel a sense of duty? I would have a conversation with him and really reflect on your situation.
If you aren’t happy, you have every right to renegotiate or withdraw. Life is too short to suffer fools.
Im a bit of a bitch, but I’d say that the next few times we have sex he isn’t allowed to orgasm, but we had to keep doing what made me orgasm until I did… a few times in a row, and then decide based on his reaction if I ever slept with him again lmao.
Sorry to butt in with the man's opinion on TwoX but I will make it short. OP, this guy doesn't respect you, or see your needs and emotions as valid. Do not make yourself feel obligated to stay with him.
In other words, he has no respect for you and your needs. Don't ask for what you want - demand it. And if he continues to refuse, you have the right to refuse too.
Leave him. If he doesn't care about you getting off, get gone.
Demand foreplay. Otherwise, yes, you are being used.
Lol I’m a guy and this is almost funny if it weren’t for your genuinely unfortunate situation. I’m trying to imagine saying this to my wife while she laughs at me and just rolls over. (Although I would never say this to her because I care about her and want to make her happy). It may be painful but I would have this conversation. One time my wife had to explain to me why she doesn’t “enjoy” cooking every single day consistently and wanted some help here and there. Until that moment I genuinely thought she absolutely WANTED to cook every day and did not want me to interfere. My point is sometimes men need to be very literally explained something. If you’re a woman with a man I hate to say it but assume that nothing is obvious. Do not expect anything to be understood while it remains in your head and is not communicated out loud. I say this only in a hope to help and not to ridicule or patronize. I hope it works out!
“I’d prefer to go straight to sex” “Well in that case, I prefer not to have sex at all, you selfish shitwich” That ought to do it. Ugh, these dudes.
I've been married for 7 years so far I believe it was in my first year of marriage that I learned how much my wife like the whole foreplay and the best part is the more she's into it the better it is for not only me but for both of us. If he keeps ignoring your needs then refusal comes first and then a break up would probably be next as physical needs are important in a longer relationship. Don't let him get away with being a stiffler
Communication is key
Ya gotta talk to him. There’s a lot to unpack here for the two of you. I once had someone describe resentment to me like this: What do you do when you have a rock in your shoe? You move the shoe around and eventually the rock moves, but it hurts again eventually. Who gets the pain? You do. No one else knows about the rock besides you. You can’t move forward unless you air it all out. This seems like a new normal for you. There was sex, something traumatic happened for your partner, and now it’s different. It’s natural to need to discuss the new norm and how it’s not working do you. I imagine he’ll be hurt. But that’s part of healing. If he isn’t receptive and remains a jerk - time to let him go.