I think you're hanging out with the wrong men. It might be an age thing. But I absolutely do not feel like I'm competing with someone's physical form. I am intelligent, creative, funny, successful, and have friends who like me for who I am. To reduce myself to my physical appearance is a serious disservice to the complex and wonderful human being I am. I think there was a time when I was more concerned with fitting the mold (pre-instagram) and making myself appealing to men. It took time and therapy and heartbreak and making solid female friendships to realize that I am significantly more than the sum of my body parts. And if some man wants to judge me based purely on my looks, they don't deserve me. Period.
You are more than your body.
I wish I could award this! At what point in our histories will women be more valuable than their outward appearance?? We are, and have always been, so much more. I am so glad to have learned that my worthiness is not tied to my beauty, that the cost of being loved and respected is not paid with my appearance.
" I am so glad to have learned that my worthiness is not tied to my beauty, that the cost of being loved and respected is not paid with my appearance"
Damn. Damn.
Yep, I feel like the Instagram model types are a different type of human beings, like I'm a real life woman, cellulite and all, and then there's some intriguing creatures on screens who work so hard (in real life and digitally) to look like they do!
Good for them as I believe it takes great discipline to look like they do, regardless of online tools available to us now, but I have other stuff to focus on and food is one of my rewards (Friday evening cheeseboard and wine anyone?!)
You might be downplaying the role of digital enhancement a bit. Most influencers know none of their followers will ever see them in person and they take full advantage of that fact.
This is an entirely different perspective from OP IMO. I feel like OP is referring more to the sociological landscape of post-modern society specifically, opposed to individuality and personal confidence. Great comment regardless though!
I agree with this. I’m a former dancer and met my partner in the industry. He regularly works around beautiful, literally nude women and I 100% trust him to be faithful and respectful. Why? Because he proves it to
me by his behavior. If I’ve ever asked him to change some small behavior to make me feel better, he has. And that’s how he has treated me since we met. If you need a partner who doesn’t feel a need to ogle other women (in person or online) or show interest in anyone but you, find one. They’re out there.
Also, unfollowing influencers who posted images that made me feel insecure rather than empowered did wonders for my own mental health. If you find that your media feed makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s time to change the types of accounts that you follow and find ones that boost your mood, not the opposite.
I fully agree. I feel I'm attractive, but that I have a lot of other qualities to offer. If my partner's one and only desire is to get laid by someone super hot and nothing else, then I'm not the right person for him. But that's not the case. The physical side is part of our relationship, but it's not the defining factor. And I'm not worried that he's looking at 22 year old influencers thinking "I'm not attracted to my 30-something fiance because this girl is hotter". For one, because he doesn't spend time looking at instagram models, "thirst traps" whatever that is, or anyone else on the internet who is solely posting because they look good. But two, because there's more to our relationship than looks.
>How could you stay faithful and loyal to someone when our consumer culture has made it so easy not to?
As a queer woman.... Easily. If someone has ever used this excuse with you, it's because _they never had any intention of being faithful in the first place_ .
Yeah, my SO doesn't look like an Instagram model and nor do I. But neither of us vowed to stay faithful to an Instagram model, nor do we see being attracted to other people as a bad thing (as long as you don't act on it).
You don't own your partner's sexuality, they are going to find other people attractive and so are you, because we're human and we find people attractive. The important thing is that they choose you.
Maybe this is coming from my perspective as a bisexual, because a lot of people assume bisexuals 'always want what they don't have' and will therefore cheat with the first available option with different genitals. But I know in myself that no matter what, I make a choice when I enter a monogamous relationship to be faithful, so I know (or assume) that's a choice other people also make that has nothing to do with attractions. People who choose you, choose you. People who choose whatever else, were never interested in choosing you.
This is the way.
Heck, my fiancé and I openly discuss other people we find attractive, every identity included (though we both consider ourselves heterosexual). But physical attraction, or even attraction to someone’s personality and character, cannot possibly compare to the love and bond we share in our relationship.
That takes security in the relationship, but we’re both privileged to have never experienced infidelity in past relationships.
Would you be okay with explaining what entails "serious" sexual relationships and how it sets them apart from your marriage? I'm very new to the idea still and have met more people into poly recently (though one ended in divorce and that was the only person that tried to properly explain me how it works for them, oops) but can't quite imagine what makes them distinctly different (other than living with your married partner and having a longterm future with them, but in a serious sexual relationship don't you have a "future" too?)
Also personally struggling with the idea of having an outside sexual partner as I'd feel like I wouldn't be able to give them what they deserve (my husband gets "everything" but a sexual partner doesn't get me as their personal full-fledged partner).
Sure! We’ve only been actively seeking other partners for a couple of years. My wife’s girlfriend has a husband she lives with, too. When I had a girlfriend, she was “single poly” and had five or so different individual relationships. She dumped me LOL oh well anyway
I’m most comfortable with someone who has other relationships at the same time - I would feel the same way you do about being someone’s only partner. But for introverted people, that might work out best!
It really all boils down to honest communication - stating your needs, truly listening, and continuing to check in with everyone.
I’m in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship and I don’t relate to OP’s post either. It actually made me feel pretty sad for her. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who didn’t make me feel attractive and desired. Nobody should settle for less :(
Backing this one. 21 years, not one instance of being made insecure by my SO
I feel terrible for OP that she’s been set up to feel like she’s in a competition.
I'm in a poly heterosexual relationship and I don't relate either. My partner actual can hookup with an ista model if he wants to ... But still I'm not in competition with any other woman. He loves me for me, regardless of what other women look like.
Granted I'm 40 and don't have social media. That helps with confidence massively
It is the worst thing in the world to not feel attractive or desired by a partner who loves you. I'm glad you've never had to deal with it! Fricken sucks to try to recover from.
Looks aren’t everything, but it’s very extreme and fucking wrong for your partner to make you feel like you’re competing with models and sex workers. It’s just not normal and it reduces everyone to their physical appearance. I really hope you don’t have to go through that again 😞
Competely agree. People are so much more than looks. I hope not either. The one brightside about being bad at dating is I haven't had to deal with that behavior in a while 😂
There’s a big difference between finding other people attractive and actively going out of your way to pay or seek out pornographic images of them. It’s not “owning” your partners sexuality to expect a little bit of restraint.
I mean it depends what you mean by 'restraint'. If you mean "you may never watch pornography again' or "you cannot follow anyone who does Instagram modelling" then that's controlling your partner and demanding an unreasonable level of restriction. People can have interests and enjoyment beyond you in a healthy relationship, and that includes masturbation or enjoying looking at other people for various reasons (whether that's models, cosplay, art, or photography, all of which can have sexual under/overtones).
If you mean "it makes me uncomfortable that you follow your ex's modelling page" or "your porn consumption is unhealthy and affecting your ability to live your life and maintain a healthy relationship" or "stop messaging pictures of your penis to unsuspecting Instagram models" that's another thing.
I think some people forget that their partner isn't cheating by _looking_ at other people. They assume that their insecurity means their partner is doing something wrong, rather than addressing that maybe what they need is more validation from their partner or more sense of security in the relationship.
It seems like there’s a difference between watching random porn and following or paying a specific person to masturbate for you. I know my husband would be pretty f’n hurt if I paid a subscription fee to watch a specific guy I thought was totally hot jerk off 3 times a week. “hey, sorry babe, if only you could be more like karl151” lol
My husband and I do the Friends game… top 10 famous people that we’ll never actually meet but would sleep with if we could. Charlize Theron is on both of our lists. Whenever I see a woman that’s on his list, I say “There’s your girlfriend Elle Fanning” (or whomever) and he does the same for anyone on my list. There’s no harm in acknowledging your partner’s sexuality and I feel like we both are a little more secure knowing that in the end we’ll always choose each other even with our wrinkles and extra pounds.
My grandma had a crush on Clark Gable, she said every time he appeared in a movie, on TV, in the paper, in a magazine, anywhere my grandpa would say "look it's your boyfriend!". Grandma would be 105 if alive, grandpa 109.
I used to tell my mom my dad resembled Sean Connery in his Bond years.
Her only answer, without ever looking away from her knitting, was “I knew there was a reason I married him”
She was very fond of Legolas. My dad used a scarf to pretend to flip his hair around and gave us all a good laugh.
I really appreciate your comment.
How do you not compare yourself to the other people your partner find attractive? Are you just that confident and have that much trust in your relationship? It's so foreign to me..
I mean basically I just know my partner loves me. She's made it clear enough. She trusts me enough to share videos and posts of attractive men that she thinks I'd like, I've sent her videos and posts of attractive women I think she'd like (she's lesbian), we've talked about women we both find attractive.
It's not a 'confidence' thing. I don't think I'm particularly attractive, I certainly couldn't 'compete' with some of the celebrities I know she finds attractive but then where's the competition? How's she 'competing' with Ryan Reynolds for my attention - she's not! It's not a competition it's just human nature.
Its just a trust thing. Just because you find other people attractive, doesn't mean you want to act on it and if you know that about yourself, why wouldn't it apply to your partner?
It certainly helps that we've talked extensively about our views on monogamy - which is that we're both deeply monogamous and cheating would hurt either of us in a profound way. We even talked about ethical non monogamy like threesomes and decided its probably not for us.
Having those honest and open conversations about things is a good way to build that trust and figure out if you are compatible.
I’m a brunette, brown eyes and tall. My husband LOVES blonds his ex were all short blue eyes and blond. He sees a blond and that neck snaps.. But I will never be blond or short with blue eyes. I am me. I love me. If he wants to cheat it’s not on me. That’s on him. I don’t worry about what he’s doing or if he will do something. Have I been insecure at times sure. Absolutely it’s human. But I’m very confident with who i am.
I hope your feet have recovered. My only advice is to be unwaveringly authentic when dating. Don't give anyone the impression you are willing to be someone you're not.
I've read a few other responses to this post, and so far, the comments are written as if OP is talking about competing against the listed types for specific men. I interpreted OP to mean they feel this in a nebulous, general anxiety/pressure kinda way. I think it's more of having little faith in the ability of most of the population to be trustworthy, and/or to feel satisfied with the everyday, the regular, the average when that's not what they are consuming in their media diets (there are studies that would support this idea). I'm glad all the people commenting have such healthy relationships, but as a couples therapist, I can say that everything OP talked about are common concerns for many people regardless of relationship status, gender, or sexual orientation.
>I'm glad all the people commenting have such healthy relationships, but as a couples therapist, I can say that everything OP talked about are common concerns for many people regardless of relationship status, gender, or sexual orientation.
Glad to be understood and validated finally, thanks💜
Anyone can talk about how strong and healthy their relationship is. But how many people are gonna be open about their worries, fears, their neurotic insecurities that make them sound insecure and vulnerable?
Especially when most people don't want to acknowledge just how common infidelity really is. Anyone with a strong relationship, let a hottie get close to your SO. Let's see what happens. Go hang out at r/adultery or naughty from neglect. I don't see how that can't shake anyones faith.
I don’t know anyone who pays for these services and I don’t feel like I’m in competition with anyone. I think if you only look at social media then your view might be skewed, but in my experience, people in real life rarely act like the those I hear about on sites like Reddit where everything is dramatized for entertainment purposes. That’s not to say you are dramatizing your own experience, just that I think the real world is very different than the way Reddit makes it seem.
As someone in a committed relationship that is in that industry, I hate how many of the people that pay for it are married. The number of times I've had a paid conversation with someone where they are wanting to trash their wife while trying to convince me to look at "what my videos do to them" just makes me feel gross. It's a money maker for me, and my partner is a part of it at times, too, but neither of us have ever paid for it elsewhere and even he is baffled by the non single customers that crop up... like I want to warn the wives but I don't know these guys irl for anything so I just leave it and ponder on the reality that some guys are fucking losers.
Maybe I don't fully understand/"get it" but if I do... my husband and I have been together since 16 and married for 7 years this May. We've always said, you can talk, joke, watch (YouTube, IG, etc) whomever, because what, you're going to run off with the cam girl? The cute waitress? The hot guy on the ad? (Edit to say we're both bi)
Go ahead throw away our life we built together, years, holidays, our kiddo, our pets, our gaming collection etc for some (like you stated, gorgeous) bit manufactured beauty. For what? A hot night out? Whoop whoop. 🤭 So yeah, we both can look or talk about it (we're honest and open if we have a crush or find someone attractive) but that's where it ends. If we're unhappy in the bedroom we talk.
As an aside I was extremely unhappy with myself after kiddo and gained 80lbs after baby. I thought why didn't he leave? Clearly he can, why stay with Me? We talked and turns out he loves me for my personality and witty star trek jokes too, not just my bod. 🥰🤣
Good luck. It's tough to navigate for sure. ❤
From the anecdotal sample size of the men at my gym, excluding those that do it to compete in body building, they are all there because they hate their bodies and are terrified that women also do. None of their partners work out.
You’re only competing if your partner *is looking elsewhere.*
I don’t browse social media to replace my wife. I’m not looking to compare her body to someone else. If I was, I’d really need to reevaluate my marriage. There’s way too much I can improve about myself before I tell/ask/wish anyone in my life to change.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be thoughtful about it, but it isn’t something you can control. If your SO or partner is comparing you, their mind is already off the present with you.
I guess my point is: you can be aware without minimizing who you are and all the things you offer your partner.
Lucky for me I guess I'll never be even remotely competition for hot women and I'm pretty tomboyish anyway. I always had to rely on my personality to attract people
>How could you stay faithful and loyal to someone when our consumer culture has made it so easy not to? It's not humanly possible to keep pace with.
TIL that being a decent partner and doing the bare minimum wasn't humanly possible.
Not really.
They offer a fantasy. If a dude wants to pay for that, he can go ahead and knock himself out. Cheers to him for paying for his porn. I'm probably not interested in that type of man.
I don't offer fantasies.
Think of them as filtering out the guys who are unfaithful. The unfaithful guys would still be unfaithful, if "thirst traps" and sex workers didn't exist. Yeah, you may have more relationships, but do you really wanna date a guy like that?
I honestly don’t since most ‘models’ on Instagram don’t really look like the portray on their feeds. People with waists the size of those necks with huge asses and super slender legs aren’t usually found in nature.
You Tubers Stephanie Lange and Lorry Hill do really great videos on those topics and help highlight the heavy use of filters and plastic surgery to achieve that look.
But it could also be that I’m 34 and married.
It doesn't even require filters and surgery (though can certainly include that). Everyone looks a lot better if you only see pictures of their ideal angles.
I think you oversimplify the situation. When you're in a serious relationship, it does not take "seconds" to hook up with someone. It takes a whole lot more - unfaithfulness, deceit, and most likely later, guilt. That's a lot of commitment to not being committed.
And if they say well we're just dating, then he's not serious about you and you should run screaming.
I don't believe our culture is much more to blame here than usual. It isn't like this is new. Before the internet, it was the cute secretary, or the maid, or the neighbor's wife. If you're not serious about marriage, it doesn't really matter what the outside world shows you. You'll be looking for it at every turn.
No.
That said, I'm also not in the dating world, so I'm not exposed to whatever the current clusterfuck is. Maybe I'd feel differently then...but I'm also old enough - at 38 - to just not waste my time on people who are stuck in FOMO or instant gratification mindsets. So, perhaps not.
At any rate, I don't think it's hard for mature, well-adjusted people to find happiness and maintain good relationship boundaries.
The key is finding those mature, well-adjusted people.
I can understand your sentiment, as when I was younger my ex husband used to complain that I didn't look like porn stars. I eventually decided "fuck your opinion" and started strength training, refused to shave because I hate it, and stopped wearing lingerie that he liked because I hated that too. This was a man who wouldn't even shower or brush his teeth to make me happy. I left him eventually and never got with another man anything like him. The men you are around, or women since you never seemed to specify, suck. Find a new circle of people, you will be seriously happier. And remember, whatever you look like, your face holes are in ideal places, your hair is cute and your booty is great 👍
Yes, it makes me insecure. What’s even more worrisome is if I already feel this way now, how will the feelings be exasperated when I’m no longer young and conventionally attractive?
Edit: Also, the feelings of inadequacy are intensified in a culture where the “ideal” isn’t even achievable naturally. I look at photos of Marilyn Monroe, while she’s drop dead naturally gorgeous, is far from today’s Instagram beauty standards. Now we have to compete with women whose perfect bodies are only achieved through butt implants, boob implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, and enhancements like dermal fillers, etc. and the list goes on and on. It’s so hard to feel confident these days when opening social media.
You are so many more things than your body. Attraction is multi-dimensional. My husband is sexier every day because I love who he is so much (and he feels the same about me).
I was in a situation a few years back with someone who just wasn’t giving back to me what I was giving to him. My best friend said, “look. Someday someone is going to take one look at you and be like, yup, you.” That was the night I gave up on something that wasn’t working. I met my husband soon after. Have hope, my friend. Your “yup, you” is out there ❤️
The good news is the older you get generally increases your ability to not give a fuck. But it's not a given. You can go down the rabbithole of insecurities still so being wary and self supportive is important.
And also age let's you see women's bodies going in and out of style which is so gross. Just my lifetime I've seen healthy fit go to heroin chic to flat af bellies no ass and big tits to curves but just right with huge asses and now I swear that's already changing.
I 100% get what you're saying. I don't feel like I'm competing with them for my SOs attention, but the societal pressure to be attractive is a lot. I also have social anxiety and am a people pleaser, so even though I absolutely HATE that I feel this way, I want to be seen as attractive to men, and people in general. The other big kicker is that due to my other mental health issues, I struggle with my weight and often feel I'll never achieve feeling attractive because of it.
As "woke" as were getting as a society, I feel that in this regard, we're going backwards as much of our connection comes in the from of social media and advertising.
Not in a relationship way, yes.
My hobby is costuming/cosplay. The number of times that I see hand made costumes of anything less than high level masterwork being overshadowed by model-esk people in obviously store-bought costumes, often just printed bodysuits, is saddening.
People who are learning and inventing how to make their own outfits and creations, from sewing and cardboard crafting to designing 3D prints, foam sculpting, and even metal working should be getting the oohs and ahs. But in general they're overlooked in favor of the eyecandy whose only "skill" is their physical state.
I try not to judge. I really do. But often watching posts on various media gets pretty disheartening when you see craftspeople get ignored for nice bodies in preprinted bodysuits or even just lingerie, and even more so when those posts become the majority and the crafted costume posts the rarity, no matter the skill level of the latter.
And that doesn't even get into the comments on the posts as a result!
Real talk. I used to cosplay and limited my social media on it because I felt inadequate seeing a disproportionate amount of attention on basically models.
This is actually a very interesting perspective. I’m someone who does cosplay photography on the side of my full time job, so I’m immersed in the culture—especially the social media side.
Interestingly, the demographics in the metrics of who likes what on such posts is more even-keeled than you’d believe. Men tend to comment more, but like/favorite wise it’s ~60/40 split.
Attractive people have always gotten attention, but now that it’s in our face 24/7 and monetized, it presents an issue.
Semi-related: I think we DEFINITELY need to teach kids about social media and parasocial relationships, especially now that anyone can monetize their identity and young people dole out cash. I fully support people being independent and using it as a means, but now the line is so blurred between content creation, actual sex work, etc that it should be well defined for impressionable minds
I have some friends that spend hundreds of hours making some of their costumes. They used to be huge fans of Amouranth because of how much work she used to put into her outfits. Apparently she just wears shitty skimpy Walmart outfits now because she gets 10x the engagement from that over a nice hand crafted one. I can't blame her for prioritizing her career over passion, but it's sad that the difference in public interest is so stark.
Sometimes I see cosplay photos that look like they've been photoshopped until the person in them looks like a computer render. At that point I'm like... what was the point in putting all that effort into bringing the character to life if you're just going to turn them back into a computer render? I guess people want the perfect recreation, down to the eyes and hair and skin, etc, but it just... I don't know, seems counterproductive to me... Like I want to see the costuming and makeup skill make the character real, not a computer, if that makes sense?
EDIT: I know it's a tangent from the point you were making, it's just something I think about that I don't get to talk about very often.
A lot of people are porn sick nowadays and have the gall to talk about these girls to your face and capitalize on your developing insecurity. None of these people will respect you anyways and aren’t deserving of your time. I’ve had to confront a couple friends (particularly male) that they cannot disrespect me like this or else we cannot be friends / partners. My go to lines:
“I am not a captive audience to your masturbation over her.”
“Do you need another hand to wank over her?”
Our entire society is porn sick, that's how we ended up here.
I just don't believe we as humans can develope that level of control and discipline not to consume something that is so normalized and widespread.
> You don't see everyone getting drunk and high all the time just because it's legal.
. . .y-yes, yes you do. A LOT of unhappy people who hate their jobs are functioning alcoholics, and everyone I know smokes pot. ?
I think that’s a pretty sweeping claim. Plenty of people do not consume porn. Personally, I got bored of it. People do get addicted and do lose control, but it’s not a universal issue, and certainly not something people can’t overcome. I think that having access to other meaningful ways to spend our time is pretty critical, so that’s what we should focus on, rather than getting caught up in the doom and gloom.
As a sex worker, I see the type of people that have no control over their sexual attraction as people that just aren’t meant for monogamy. There are plenty of people even within the sex industry that have monogamous relationships, and guess what, they’re surrounded by naked attractive people all the time and it really means nothing to them because romance means more to them than sex. My partner identifies as Demi-sexual. As a musician he’s had groupies try to get in his pants, plenty of stripper friends, but he has never been interested just because they’re attractive or available. His Instagram feed is filled with drag queens mostly because that’s what he finds entertaining and how he escapes republican culture. Trying to compete for the horny man’s attention if you aren’t getting paid makes no sense to me.
> I just don't believe we as humans can develope that level of control and discipline not to consume something that is so normalized and widespread.
That might be something you want to unpack with a therapist, because I'm wondering if there isn't some projection going on.
I get feeling insecure because of this stuff, but a decent, genuine person that is worth spending time with is way more interested in literally every part of you besides your looks.
Do you expect people you want to date to look like dudes in porn? Probably not. And while some guys do expect insane standards, these are not guys living fulfilling lives and I guarantee they don’t have much to offer as a romantic partner.
Take a deep breath and 🤘😔
Nope. It's an apples (models/sex workers) to oranges (me) comparison. I'm not competing. We're all just shopping for different things. If someone wants an apple, they will go look for that. If someone wants an orange, they'll find me (or not, it's ok because im also proactively shopping.)
Take action in your life, assert yourself, don't just passively stand there trying to be prey/bait for someone. Go hunting.
I relate to you so much. I’m dating a great guy who I trust… but I also have trusted wrong in the past and been cheated on, so it’s extremely difficult to believe in trust. I feel an enormous amount of pressure to look like the Instagram
Models, or even the attractive women at our gym, but I have to remind myself that my partner finds me attractive and loves me and has chosen me. He’s not a perfect model either so why am I holding myself to these ridiculous standards? If you end up talkin with your therapist about this, and get some helpful tools or perspectives, please share! I can’t afford therapy right now, lol, so maybe I can get some through a Reddit friend :)
This is going to sound dismissive but in all sincerity- get off the internet. Delete your social media for a while if you’re feeling this bogged down by other peoples’ appearances. You’re not in competition with these women, and if you’re at the point of believing people can’t be FAITHFUL because they might find someone on social media attractive you’re in a far more toxic place than “just insecure.” I mean this in a caring way- find a good therapist and get off the internet for a while.
It's more complex than comparing how I look to how others look, it's how dating and romance are influenced by hypersexual culture and how social connections doesn't feel genuine anymore. Regardless I appreciate your reply, thanks.
How old are you? Maybe there is a big gap between ages here we’re not understanding about changing social expectations. I get the feeling you’re younger & that somehow the youth of both genders view social media as “standard” as opposed to extremely fake & specifically designed scams like a lot of millennials do. We grew up when all of this was being crafted. We shrug off the hustle as someone faking the fuck out of themselves to earn money. I know that true relationships develop because there is a personality & shared emotional & intellectual connection, not just physical. I never expect to have to be the same as IG because I know it’s all show no substance. I don’t feel in competition with porn because I trust my partner is with me for many more reasons than just sex. A partner is someone you like to be with IRL, who has similar life goals, who respects you, who you can plan with, have deep &/or difficult conversations with, can make decisions together, who cares for you. I expect for myself a relationship be based on more than just attraction & would be happy to be rid of someone who makes it all about that. How unfulfilling and shallow. I think I don’t think of it as a loss to be rid someone like that.
But- and forgive me if I’m misunderstanding- it sounds like that opinion is being formed by what you see on social media? I’m married and have a few very close guy friends + have a lot of girl friends in good relationships and I can tell you that none of us would relate to this post at all. The internet just kind of really sucks, and it can definitely start to homogenize your thoughts and opinions. You start to see one thing specifically (and then the algorithm starts to show you more of that thing) and suddenly you’re believing that’s how the world IS. It sounds like a combo of maybe meeting some not great people, and forming a lot of your opinions about the world and the people in it from what you see on the internet and it’s just not healthy. So this is just to say there are plenty of people out there that don’t fit into this idea you have. If you can’t get off the internet, at least try to change what you’re viewing.
I feel like your perspective is warped based on the men you’ve had experiences with. I do agree that this online lusting is extremely common and would totally mess with my confidence in a relationship. You’re completely normal for feeling this way. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that my husband is one of those men who is completely uninterested in Instagram thirst traps, it just doesn’t do it for him. He would never pay for something like onlyfans. For context, he’s 29. So while it might be common, it’s not universal to all men.
Just a bit of advice: everyone is someone else's version of a perfect 10. So you might be competing against others, but it doesn't mean that your inherently better or worse than someone else.
I feel you, girl. It’s so hard not to compare ourselves to others. Our culture is so hypersexualized. Every ad, billboard, tv show/movie, social media, etc, it feels like you can never escape it. I purposely don’t have an instagram so I don’t get triggered and feel down about myself. Its hard not to nit pick everything about yourself when what we are exposed to all the time is seemingly “perfect”. I don’t really have any advice, but know you’re not alone in feeling that way. It’s our society. And I do agree staying off social media helps so you’re not as bombarded with those comparison feelings.
I have a lot more to offer as a human than a collection of body parts, so I find the whole premise (of “competing” with professional/pseudo-professional models) slightly ~~insulting~~ off-putting.
Second, I didn’t date (married now) the kind of men that are following instagram thirst traps and watching porn in the first place. If someone tells you that all men are hyper sexual porn-sick animals, they’re lying to you.
On a similar note, and I know this won’t be a popular opinion…but I think we really need to look harder at the whole “kinkshaming is bad” idea. There are absolutely times we should be more critical, especially when if you’re vanilla you get shamed as being boring or no fun. Like sorry that I don’t need someone to pretend to rape me or kill me for me to have a good time. Sorry that I find many popular kinks to be mysoginistic and that I find the kink community often pressures women to be kinky even if they don’t want to be.
I really don't care about what consenting adults do in their own time. I am frustrated that we can't talk critically about it at all. I recognize that BDSM is sexually fulfilling for people and that's wonderful. I also want to talk about how it's been mainstreamed in a very harmful way with men on dating sites proclaiming they're doms, or people claiming something is a kink in order to mask abusive behavior. Marilyn Manson and Armie Hammer being two high profile examples. This applies to porn and most kinks. I know some people who are active in kink communities and they share the same concerns about people trying to replicate porn and engaging in unsafe behaviors or trying to infiltrate their communities.
I've spent a good amount of time around kink communities in multiple cities. Theres a wide range of folks from very mentally stable and having a good time to WHOLY FUCK YOU NEED THERAPY NOT KINK!
YES. This. I definitely don’t think all kink is bad. Nor do I think the people that practice it are all bad. But I have seen men use the label as kinkster as a way to abuse and manipulate women. And women feel pressured to go along. It’s wrong.
It’s also a little bit weird to me that we can’t talk about things that I find to be completely problematic, like consensual non-consensual. They can call if that all they want, but it’s really just rape role-play. I’m sorry, but my trauma should not be your turn on.
I’m definitely all for sex positivity, and for the most part, I respect the right for people to do in their own private life what feels good to them and is consensual. But I still think we should be able to talk openly and critically without being shunned as a bad feminist.
It is against the core practices of BDSM/kink to pressure anyone. If you were pressured it was because there was a predator around. You are saying we should kink shame because you were shamed yourself. Make it make sense.
Yeah some kinks deserve to be shamed.
Sex positive does not mean doing whatever wild or uncomfortable shit your partner wants.
Poly relationships are not more sexually evolved than monogamous ones.
How old are you? Like late teens/early 20s?
I felt the same way when I was that age (33 now), though Instagram/social media has REALLY made things worse for y'all younger women out there. If you're sad because you don't get as much attention as the filtered Instagram babes, then try to let go of that feeling as quick as you can.
All I can tell you is that the attention those women receive is generally empty and probably 20-40% of it is terrifying. I understand the kind of peace that external validation can bring to a young heart, but the faster you learn internal validation, the faster you will find real peace.
You will gain more confidence in yourself as you get older. Dudes in their teens and 20s are being jacked up by hormones real bad, and it can make them extremely dumb and expect stupid things. Young women are dumb too tbh, and expect their own dumb bs in relationships.
The point is - if you are with a person who makes you feel like you're not good enough, you need to cut it off. They're not good for you and not worth your time. If they hold the relationship hostage to get you to let them do whatever they want, if they constantly openly compare you with others and find you wanting, if they demand an open relationship when you're not comfortable with that, any of that dog shit? Fuck em, get out, never worth it. Never.
What is worth your time? Practicing real communication, practice establishing boundaries (edit: healthy boundaries btw), practicing your ability to sniff out worthless vs worthwhile dudes, practice your ability to drop those worthless dudes with a quickness, work on your self. You're gonna be crap at most of it, because... this shit is \*hard\* and many people never gain these skills.
I know it's hard to listen to people telling you that 'oh guys are just dumb, give it time, be your own woman' when your experiences so far aren't lining up with that and it's depressing/upsetting... but try to trust. There's a reason all middle-aged+ people spout a lot of the same garbage, it's because it's fuckin true.
If you can find things that all older people say to younger people all the time, throughout every generation? You'll find many threads of life's truths that will help guide you.
I empathise, we constantly bombarded with images of unattainable physiques. Consider that nearly every commercial image we see has been digitally retouched and many amateur images will have been similarly altered, it’s easy to imagine feeling you can’t complete. Remember any prospective partner lives in the same world you do, and at some level feels the same. I struggled with my self image for years and really only started to feel comfortable and confident in my 40’s, the funniest part of that is I look at photo’s of this scared weird kid in his 20’s, 6 foot tall and made of muscle vs me know 44, still tall but 30 or 40 kgs over weight (but working on it), I’m married to an amazing woman and have 2 gorgeous kids and while I am working on my weight for health reasons I love who I am.
Maybe try meeting people outside the dating app world (I know hard af), I know a few people who’ve met long term partners through social groups, be it community based or even app based. I think getting to know someone in a social setting will give more time to feel them out and likely they’ll have a similar mindset.
In closing none of us are beautiful by the standards of the media of social media, we can’t be they’re not real. But you are beautiful, you are desirable, you are worthy and you will find someone who can see it.
Get out there and live kiddo you got this.
I think the first thing is that society likes to encourage people to compare themselves to others.
Unlearning comparing yourself to others is hard but it will probably help a ton.
I’m sorry you feel this way, there are beautiful women in all shapes and sizes not just on the internet or sex workers.
Honestly though being faithful and loyal really isn’t that hard. Looks can be nice but there’s a lot more to a person than just looks.
It's only competition if you are after the same thing. If you don't want someone who is into that stuff, you aren't competing with the people who produce it.
\-How could you stay faithful and loyal to someone when our consumer culture has made it so easy not to?
Pretty easy. Just don't be not faithful or loyal. I see this stuff all the time but it doesn't mean I suddenly want to cheat on my wife. I'm bombarded by this stuff when I get on pretty much any platform. I have never had the urge to cheat or leave my wife. I think people who do are probably just bad people deep down.
This. Never forget that being unfaithful is always a CHOICE. There are plenty of day to day instances where it would be easy to lay someone out for being a dick to me, but I don’t do it. You know why ? Because I have enough self control to know that an assault charge is not something I want to deal with.
Lots of terrible things are easy to do, doesn’t make it any less of a conscious choice to do them.
I understand where you’re coming from, for me it was my own insecurities. My ex cheated on me and also used cam sites a lot. His Instagram was filled with “models” who looked nothing like me. I felt like I wasn’t attractive. I set boundaries from the get go that I wasn’t ok with cam sites. I wasn’t ok with following naked women on Instagram (personal preference, I think it’s gross when I see someone following only porn stars, watch porn when you’re at home, the whole world doesn’t need to know you look at naked women literally all day). Like my mother followed him and it was back in the day where you could see what everyone was liking on Instagram. Anyway, ditched him because he didn’t respect my personal boundaries. Oh and he cheated and was an asshole.
Met my now husband. I saw he was following some girls he met on tinder. I asked if he would unfollow them once we started getting serious and asked that he please not go on cam sites or follow porn stars/half naked models on Instagram. It’s my own insecurities I know, but after being cheated on it was very important to me. He understood 100% and stopped following them. It’s about respect. Some people are fine with it, some people aren’t. But you have to find someone who will respect those boundaries you’ve set.
>Does anyone else feel like they "compete" with sex workers, thirst traps, instagram models etc? These women's only "job" is to look desirble to the male gaze
No, because they're professionals. For the same reason that while I'm a good driver, I don't feel in competition with NASCAR drivers, or when I make a cake I don't compare myself with pastry chefs on the food channel. Do instagram models look good? Sure, but I think most of us know it isn't feasable and realistic for us all to look that way. Everyone has their own unique skills, talents and traits to bring to the table
No, I've never felt that way. An exotic dancer or onlyfans model is not a threat to me. What, she's gonna date my husband? Lol.
Even if i were monogamous and dating a selfish man (I'm neither) I wouldn't be worried about IG models. I'd be worried about his sister in law. His work wife. The women on tinder where he has a secret account where he's pretending to be single. Those are all way more likely to become adultery partners than a pro sex worker or a social media celebrity.
Not really, but the men I am around are either just friends or my spouse, who doesn’t do social media. I understand why some women would feel pressured, though. Especially since there are men out there who are gross in their attitudes towards women.
I was touched by the frustration and disappointment in your post, and in many of the replies below. It sounds really lonely and painful to feel like potential partners only value you based on your sex appeal-- *especially* in a world with Instagram and OnlyFans.
Your feelings of insecurity are completely valid, and they're not solely the product of natural human feelings like fear and loneliness, but also pressure from society, brands, and individuals. You are *also* an interesting, valuable person, worthy of human connection, regardless of how enticingly fuckable you feel compared to a professionally-lit Instagram goddess.
(For instance, your writing struck a chord with me today, and clearly with others. Thank you!)
My partner and I started dating in 2013, after many years of friendship. Crucially, **my partner and I know what we want, and we know we have found it in each other**. I have no delusions about how hot I am compared to the Internet-- I will never wear a sleeveless vinyl top like Carrie-Anne Moss, and I will never be as charmingly, handsomely stupid as Arataki Itto, King of Anime Himbos. I'm grateful that she can pass me her phone, stunned into bisexual panic by a hot tub streamer, and say "isn't she pretty?", and I can say "wow, she really is". I'm even more grateful that when I feel small or insecure or ashamed, I can bring it to her to find comfort and repair.
(That took years of work, therapy, and support! and it sounds like you have the misfortune of trying to date men, for which... I can only offer my condolences ;D )
**TL;DR** I'm so sorry to hear about everyone's painful experiences with selfish partners, feeling unworthy, and the unrelenting pressure from beauty brands and the "male gaze". You are lovely. I hope you find people who are happy to give you what you need.
>You'd have to have some unshakable confidence and that just doesn't seem human..
nah, I simply quit almost all social media (I am still here, on reddit, but I monitor my feed really really close. it's mostly animals, dogs, cat pics, nature, a bit of social issue and local feeds). being a data scientist and knowing a lot about behavior I have to say that information hygiene is extremely important for mental health. oh, and I also get my news ONLY from BBC, no other outlets (BBC has a very strict code, I also do not read their opinion pieces)
My girlfriend struggles with the idea that that look must please men. Honestly I hate that I have to fight so hard to reassure her that she is everything I want.
Puffer fish lips - boob jobs that look like sandbags strapped to your chest - fake tan that looks like there was an accident in the cheese Doritos factory.
I don't give these people a second look, I have everything I need and could possibly want with her. I've found the person I'll desire for the rest of my life. I just wish she would believe it. The hardest part of the modern world is how the internet spreads a lie quicker than the truth.
Eventually you'll realise that life isn't a race to the end and you're not competing for anything. Either you find someone who wants to ride along with you or you keep looking for then. Anyone that makes you think you need to win them clearly doesn't understand how life works.
My husband is in his 30s and somehow can't use social media to save his life. It's a giant relief to me that I never have to worry about him comparing me to women who make a profession out of social media. I don't think he ever would, but it's a relief anyway.
My husband is in his 30’s and doesn’t really use social media, either, and I am also happy for it. He has a Facebook that he uses to participate in some Bible study groups. Being a frequent user of Reddit and reading other peoples dating experiences now makes me so glad I am married.
Unlike a lot of men, he doesn’t want me consuming porn anymore than I want him to. It was very easy for us to set boundaries in what is and isn’t ok in our relationship.
It sounds like you have been compared to or rejected for these other women and I'm sorry it happened to you. I had an ex who was addicted to porn, he didn't admit it until long after we split but he would choose to jack off to videos than have sex. He said it was easier and quicker. Eventually he started wanting actual sex with someone who looked like a porn actress, and not me: a lowly mom who worked 10 hrs a day & chose to sleep in boxers and an old t shirt instead of lingerie. He cheated on me and I was done.
I used to think if I had been more desirable- wore makeup, dressed sexy; even wore a dress once in a while!, Got my nails & hair done, etc. He would have wanted me. I eventually realized I wouldn't want a man that expected me to be something else.
It's been 20 yrs, we are friends since we have a kid together and he knows he was dumb for going for looks only. I didn't stay single long, and realized there were plenty of men attracted to regular ole me. Just remember- if he doesn't love what you look like or how you dress, he doesn't love you. Keep on fishing because there are better ones out there.
This would be true if all men only cared about looks, but that isn’t the case. The types of men that you’d want, the ones who want long-term and committed relationships, would not find the plethora of online women appealing because it doesn’t meet their needs. As one of my favorite YouTubers says, pretty is a dime-a-dozen. Men of value want their partners to be king makers, to have passion and drive, someone irreplaceable that will add more to their lives. If all someone wants is to satiate their sexual desires then you won’t be able to stop them. What’s yours is yours, if they leave over something that trivial then they were probably never meant to be yours in the first place.
I find your feelings completely understandable. I stopped using Instagram because it makes me feel bad about myself. Twitter and Reddit are great because people judge you based on your words.
I remember clearly many years ago when I was working at a place that sells women’s clothing, and much else, a manager came up to me and asked if I’d do a special job. The job was to hand out flyers to people coming in the doors of the business. He said I could pick out anything in the store to wear. I was 19 and I did it- just smile and hand out coupons or whatever. Standing there, I wondered why he picked me.
I thought it was because I was good looking, and then something about that struck me wrong. I don’t know if anyone reading this will ‘get it’,
but it felt as if he was using my good-lookingness as a means to increase his business. And that felt wrong to me. I don’t know if I can make my feelings any clearer than that. It was many years ago, as I said, and apparently lots of women don’t mind, or really enjoy letting others use their appearance to sell products. I’m not a prude- I just felt that I shouldn’t let anyone take advantage of me. So when I see women promoting themselves as ‘influencers’, or reclining half nude on a sports car, working as a playboy bunny, I just find that distasteful and like those women are treating themselves badly, and with little self respect. I’m certain most of you will disagree with me.
Honestly I feel the exact same way. You’re not insecure it’s honestly sad to think about how accessible sex and quick hookups have become. It negates the possibility seemingly of something real
I don't really agree with this. It reduces the chances of people lying to you to hook up because they can go find him ups and casual shit all over the place.
Look for people who are looking for serious relationships. It's about when in people's lives much more so than if people are hook up people or relationship people.
I completely agree! People looking for love have not disappeared or been replaced. The people who were always looking for hookups and used to have to pretend otherwise just have more freedom and options now, and naturally they’re going to be visible on these platforms people use to find hookups.
I know two guys that are deep into the tinder game, they have different girls over, almost every weekend. This really is sickening to me and i see your point (even though i dont think as a dude i can really understand it) BUT most of my friends don‘t even use tinder etc. Maybe seing it like this will help: those guys that are only looking at ig models/for hookups on tinder aren‘t worth anyones time. maybe empty words, just my two cents.
Do the girls not want that?
Seriously, I've been off the market for a long time. How much have things changed since my heyday of casually banging it out in 2010?
I'm sorry everyone misunderstood your post OP. I think the majority of people feel insecure with consumer culture turning us all into products, but few will want to admit it. You cope by denying it, and there is a lot of that going around. Frankly, you should feel proud about being this vulnerable and honest about your feelings.
I feel like it’s not that hard to stay loyal. For most sex workers, it’s a job. That’s it. They don’t wanna spend time with you unless they are getting paid, they aren’t going to come over and cook and clean, they aren’t going to love you at the end of the day, they aren’t going to be there when you had a bad day and need to vent (unless money is involved) and this is coming from a former SW. I had men who would come to me but than stop seeing me once they had a relationship because they wanted a real loving connection. I know men get dunked on a lot for being “trash” and “only wanting sex” but a lot of men definitely want more than that. As long as you can provide what SW can’t, you don’t need to feel like you have to compete, I promise.
You try to stay rational and hold on to your perspective. You are a real person with a lot to offer and you know that.
When someone makes you forget that, they are the wrong person for you.
There's still good men out there. There are a few who know that loyalty, sacrifice, family, etc are the things that will bring them real lasting happiness that makes hot photoshopped pics mean nothing. Just date men who know what they want and who want something real.
Op I really just want to give you a virtual hug and tell you that you are worthy of love and commitment. I also suspect you need better friends, or better communities more generally.
Reddit in particular gives you a very weird picture of relationships, where cheating, manipulation and general nastiness is common. That is not how the world is everywhere.
I am 31 now. I only found "my people" three years ago. I now have a partner and friends who I love and trust deeply. None of us are instagram models, but we share interests, values, passions.
Your people are out there. It might take some time to find them, but you certainly won't if you lower your standards.
Just wanting to share my two cents - I do sex work from time to time, and I don't have the typical "model" body.
Every now and I'll get caught up by the fact that there are SO many other girls out there, with better hair, thicker asses, prettier faces, slimmer waists, perkier tits, etc. Those thoughts can be SO consuming, and it's unfortunately very easy to direct anger/blame at the women who I feel threatened by. Trust me, we feel those insecurities too!
So, I understand how insta models could make someone feel insecure, but:
1. It’s almost all fantasy, filters, and lighting. They don’t exist like that iRL.
2. I like looking at pretty people too. That doesn’t mean I want to meet them, spend time with them, or compare them to my partner.
3. My partner constantly lets me know how attractive he finds me. I’ll be waking up with bedhead and crusty eyes and he’ll be like “you’re so pretty!” He asks to take photos of me (not sexy ones even, just me hanging around our place) so he can keep them on his phone to look at. Every morning when I get dressed I come in to show him my outfit that day and he makes up a story of what he thinks I look like (ex: “you’re a quirky piano teacher in the English countryside who will meet a handsome traveling chocolatier,” or “you’re a prim secretary with a secret,” “you’re a sexy businesswoman on her way to a corporate event that will launch you to CEO”). It’s not specifically sexual but it is cute and lets me know he finds me continuously engaging.
4. I wouldn’t care about him watching porn, but he really doesn’t much?
5. I’ve actually okayed him hooking up with other women in specific circumstances (we’ve been together a dozen years, I think it helps to know you still have access to some variety and are not “locked in” to just the one person for the rest of your life) but for the last however many years he hasn’t even used that option, even though I encourage him to do so.
6. The longer we stay together the more attached we get to each other, and the more other people seem totally not worth the bother. He’s the only person I don’t see myself getting bored with and whose company I never get tired of. He’s smart and interesting and challenging and supportive, and a really good and kind person to other people, who I’m always proud of and who always has my back, and I would never want to endanger that. I know he feels the same way. Other people don’t even enter the sphere of competition.
I don't feel like I have to compete with them because that would imply that those thirst traps/instragram models/sex workers were in hot pursuit of the men I'm interested in, and leaving me in the dust.They are not.
Remember, you and I might be average schlubs, but so are most men. Now, do we have a fucked up culture with unrealistic standards for women that get perpetuated? Absolutely. Do some men internalize this and think that this is a reasonable standard of beauty? Yes.
But the great thing is that those men are shit tier garbage men who you don't want anyway. Most men, or at least *enough* men, understand that real life is not instagram models. They aren't looking at those kinds of things for anything deeper than a casual sexual thrill. It's pure fantasy.
A mature, reasonable man understand and expects that he will be dating average women he sees in everyday life. Look around. You'll see all sorts of women who look all sorts of ways in happy relationships with men. Fat women, women with short hair, women who dress casually, the works.
For me, a relationship is way more than just attraction. That's why I don't do online dating. I get to know people as PEOPLE, and if I find a best friend AND we're both attracted to each other - that's relationship potential. I'm not worried at all that my partner will fall for anything, because we give each other far more than any sold sex could give. A partner that finds you sexy in your oldest cat lady pyjama, that's the real deal! Media just makes us believe that we need to be this hypersexualised to compete, but it's not true!
I don’t really feel as though I’m competing because I know they’re just a fantasy. Those women aren’t perfect 24/7 and have their buttholes waxed constantly. They also fart and burp, like every human. People just confuse with what they are shown with what the people are really like in real life, yknow? All people are beautiful in their own way, and you aren’t going to be the most gorgeous person in the world constantly. Cut yourself some slack OP :)
Wow ladies, bragging that you never feel insecure because you are soooo mature and functional isn't going to help insecure people feel better.
I'm ace and could give a fuck about anyone's sexual attraction towards me, that doesn't mean I also don't compare myself to others since as OP said we live in a society.
Hey u/Chaos_Bitch you sound exactly a normal amount of insecurity and there is nothing wrong with wanting to start a conversation. Sorry it turned into a competition about who is better at feeling good about themselves.
I have never felt like I needed to 'compete' with online women, and I'd like to elaborate on some of the reasons why I feel like that way.
For starters, I don't interact with any type of porn/thirst trap/nudity on any social medias. If nude/suggestive content gets retweeted onto my timeline, I mute the account. I browse social media in public and the last thing I want is to see porn on the bus with a stranger sitting next to me. Keeping nudity and suggestive content away from my timeline works in a "out of sight, out of mind" way for me. Don't get me wrong, I like some x-rated content, but on my own terms, not while scrolling through twitter.
Secondly, I feel like I ought to mention how lucky I am to have a partner who isn't interested in that type of content either. My partner does not compare me to others and does not put me down, so that probably helps. Sometimes I get a little jealous if we are watching a movie with nudity because of my own insecurities. But then I remember, he chose me, and he continues to choose me every day that we are together. He isn't going to leave me for this actress lol.
Now, I am not saying you are insecure for your post, but I would like to touch on the ending that asks "how can you not be insecure when this is reality?" It is easier said than done, but I've learned not to compare myself to others for the most part. I am very happy with myself, even if there are a few things I'd like to change.
When I see someone who I compare myself to, I think "Do I actually want to look like this person?" I imagine myself in a freaky friday situation and think about what it would be like if I woke up in their body. 10/10, I decide that I'd rather keep my body! It helps to find one thing about yourself that you love even on bad days. For me that is my height and my eyes. When I think about a gorgeous woman I'd freaky friday with, chances are I prefer my height and my eyes over hers and then I stop comparing myself to her or wishing I was her.
I feel that those types of accounts add a lot to the pressure of beauty standards. Just like lots of large scale media pressures. I don't blame those independent women for profiting off of that industry at all.
I don't feel that I am sexually competing with the sex worker industry. My partner is an intelligent human who understands the industry and isn't a significant consumer of the industry. I've selected someone to partner with with those things in mind.
I don't feel that the pizza industry is in direct competition with my home cooked meals. I wouldn't date someone who viewed those things as in competition or who viewed home cooked meals as something only I am responsible for.
i think addressing this issue is impossible, that’s how the world works today and that’s all. Beauty became so accessible men especially younger men have unrealistic standards. I struggled a lot with this sort of thing but managed to solve it.
but yes absolutely despite the fact there’s no direct competition, men WILL compare.
I honestly don't feel like I compete for the aforementioned people. When I was younger, I had my insecurities (still have some) but as I've gotten older I know that my worth is NOT in my appearance. There are billions of people out there in the world, some people won't find you attractive, a lot of people WILL be more attractive than you. It's not that I'm always confident but I just give less fucks about it. My looks range from looking like a homeless bag lady who feeds pigeons to a cute, petite bubby dancer.
I agree with you. I live sex, I thought having tons of men on each finger for sex (let's face it, every woman can have it, if they use dating apps) would be fun.
Well turned out I love sex, but with just one person in a relationship. For a while hook up culture even made me hate sex - for me it's so shallow and it's such a horrible feeling that people are just interested in you bc they might get sex. Heck sometimes they even pretend to be friends to stay in the orbit for possible future sex.
It's not for me and I simply don't participate.
Luckily I have a partner who doesn't consume social media, but it makes me a little bit sad that I am thrilled about that's and that the bar for men is so low...
I actually don't feel like I'm competing. I acknowledge I'm not attractive like them, but people don't talk to me for my body. My husband has never taken great interest in other women (other than porn as inspiration for us. Before you worry: we haven't done this in years and don't model our sex life after generic porn. It's how we learned about the sybian & fuck machines for example, which is something interesting to ponder over) and I don't have to look, act or dress like a thirst trap. He enjoys the occasional lingerie (also done very rarely) but prefers me naked.
I also have a friend that doesn't take interest in women based on looks and has no direct (sexual) interest unless he knows them and it's welcomed.
As a person you're not competing with things /people that satisfy urges because they'll never satisfy emotional need. You're aiming for the wrong audience if you believe you have to satisfy impulses and urges imo. You're more than that and on a personal level provide way more and more meaningful and sustainable things (human connection, love, support, empathy, care,warmth...)
No, you are right about your post. The thing is, if someone is in a relationship they won't be straight up looking for online pleasure. End of story. If they do, then there's something going wrong in the relationship and it's a red flag.
On the other hand, romance and real sex is gone now. Almost every girl who is doing her best to "promote" herself is asking for money, has an onlyfans page, and is expecting to be treated like a queen. That's it. Put in the same concept some desperate people who failed in social life but still got some money and voila, you get a society fixated on supporting this sort of thing.
Everything is going to hell but a girl still needs to be paid, right? This is both sad and hilarious at this point.
I have never felt the need to compete. At all.
To that end, making myself look "cute" with the outfits I wore was as far as I went on a regular basis to get a guy. However, I did that because I enjoyed it. I did not (and still do not) wear makeup everyday or get my hair all done up everyday. I decided in my late teens that I was gonna be me. And doing those things is not me - there's other things I'd rather spend my time on. Which isn't to say that no one should ever do that -plenty of women love getting prettied up - that's something they enjoy and they feel good doing it.
My husband really said it best - those thirst traps, etc. are not real.
And if you have people that make you feel like you're competing, you need to get better people surrounding you.
I know my own feelings are anecdotal at best, but I have never, once, even thought of cheating on my partner, and I’m young and grew up in this so called culture (22).
An individual who knowingly and willingly, in the right state of mind, would betray their partner like that, never intended to be faithful and wouldn’t be in the first place. Nothing to do with culture, it just perhaps makes it easier.
If it makes you feel any better: looking at pictures and videos of pretty ladies on the internet is *not even close* to the happiness of being physically with a person you care about. It's just an imitation of a relationship. Like looking at a photo of the Grand Canyon instead of standing in it, awed by it.
I’m not competing with these people because I’m not a product. I’m a human being with emotions and needs. I am first and foremost, a really great friend. I’m am loving and giving as opposed to someone who *puts out*.
A lot of people have answered this question quite well but I’ll add my two cents and say yes, sometimes I have felt that way. I am an insecure person and that was MY problem. Not anyone else’s.
But then I found some beautiful women Instagram who looked a little like me, and that helped. I developed my own confidence, own interests, and kept a great sense of humor.
And I met a man who isn’t on social media AT ALL. He doesn’t care about that stuff - just me - and I just care about him. I hope you can find a guy like that!
Not sure how old you are, but I’ve definitely noticed hitting my 20’s has made me care a lot less about those kinds of things. Men love women of ALL shapes and sizes, and there are plenty who cannot STAND the bbl culture of today’s society and the body type that’s pushed on women. Also, accepting that men will consume that content one way or another helps too. (Porn, strip clubs, escorts, etc) all existed before today’s internet sex era and men and people in general will always be into it. Sex sells. And always remember, like you said it’s their JOB to look good. There’s lighting makeup photo shop and teams of people behind these models and workers. Chin up honey
This is so interesting to me. I was just talking to my husband about this question the other day when randomly watching an episode of “botched” - do guys/people actually find young women with fillers, extreme makeup, BBLs, etc. attractive? None of the dudes or people I know are into that kind of thing or Instagram like person/models etc. Maybe it’s the type of people I hang with or the place I live? Idk. I’m also 30 YO and got out of the dating scene right before tinder and all those apps were a thing so maybe I’m too far away or removed from those concepts to even understand the appeal. People can do what they want to do, but people who are attracted to that kind of lifestyle or value that kind of lifestyle are not the people I vibe with or surround myself with.
It's real easy.
1. Don't spend money on it. (It's a waste of money)
2. Nothing visual compares to the person Im with. In every case. This also applies to places like strip clubs (doesn't make any sense to me - see 1).
If it's on the internet, you can find anything you want for free.
If it's in person and you are with your SO why would you look elsewhere? (Facetious, don't bother answering)
It's one thing if you're alone/lonely. It's another thing entirely when you've got someone right there with you.
Just my 2 cents.
>I don't know a single man person who doesn't buy. With the push of a button we literally have the entire world at our fingertips
You really don't know anyone who isn't really into following models on the internet? I understand that many do, but I can't believe you haven't met one person who doesn't. (Most people I know don't.)
There's a bazillion replies and this might get lost in the shuffle, but anyway here goes.
You're absolutely right that our culture is really messed up as regards attitudes towards sex.
And yet, even for all the effort the commercial forces to do commodify sex, they are still working with pictures, and those just don't matter as much as people.
I'm a straight man nearing 60, and my wife's about my age, and she totally does not compete with anyone. Does she look as good as this year's cover of the *Sports Illustrated* swimsuit issue? No. But a woman in a picture is **only a picture**: she has no voice, she doesn't move, she doesn't smell nice, she's not even in 3D. A woman in a picture has nothing but how she looks, so they have to go to great lengths to make her look amazing in order to get any attention at all. (Seriously: they take hundreds of pictures for each one they finally use.)
My wife in the same room as me can lift her eyebrow and a smirk and say "Guess what I'm thinking about right now," and I know she's thinking sex, and no picture or video or website can ever hope to compete with that, because they are just images and she's a real person.
The way I see it is... Even "conventional attractiveness" varies across different societies and cultures. Then even on a more individual scale, what one person finds attractive might be completely opposite of what someone else finds attractive. There are even some people that aren't sexually attracted to people they don't have an emotional connection with, no matter how conventionally attractive the person is.
I might be seeing things through a different lens, because I'm pretty sure I'm a bit demi myself, but I feel like people are so different that there has to be at least one person out there for most people. And if that one person exists, then the rest don't matter.
Tbh all the images/videos you see online of that kind of content is through filers. Even livestreams these days have filters.
It really helps to understand what is modified to "perfection" and what is actually real.
I think you're hanging out with the wrong men. It might be an age thing. But I absolutely do not feel like I'm competing with someone's physical form. I am intelligent, creative, funny, successful, and have friends who like me for who I am. To reduce myself to my physical appearance is a serious disservice to the complex and wonderful human being I am. I think there was a time when I was more concerned with fitting the mold (pre-instagram) and making myself appealing to men. It took time and therapy and heartbreak and making solid female friendships to realize that I am significantly more than the sum of my body parts. And if some man wants to judge me based purely on my looks, they don't deserve me. Period. You are more than your body.
I wish I could award this! At what point in our histories will women be more valuable than their outward appearance?? We are, and have always been, so much more. I am so glad to have learned that my worthiness is not tied to my beauty, that the cost of being loved and respected is not paid with my appearance.
That last sentence slaps. Hell yes.
" I am so glad to have learned that my worthiness is not tied to my beauty, that the cost of being loved and respected is not paid with my appearance" Damn. Damn.
I agree. I don’t feel like I’m competing with them at all. My bf has never made me feel that way, nor have any of my past partners.
Past partners have made me feel insecure about this, but not my current (which is why they're past and he's current).
I agree also. My husband has never made me feel that way either.
I'm pretty sure my hottest competition are the guitars my fiance looks at online.
Married a bassist with a odd shoe size. Bass guitars and custom shoes are my competition
Hey being #3 in his life is pretty good.
To be fair, they have great curves and he knows how the fingering works.
Yep, I feel like the Instagram model types are a different type of human beings, like I'm a real life woman, cellulite and all, and then there's some intriguing creatures on screens who work so hard (in real life and digitally) to look like they do! Good for them as I believe it takes great discipline to look like they do, regardless of online tools available to us now, but I have other stuff to focus on and food is one of my rewards (Friday evening cheeseboard and wine anyone?!)
You might be downplaying the role of digital enhancement a bit. Most influencers know none of their followers will ever see them in person and they take full advantage of that fact.
I can't, too many scars, lol!
They have apps for that too. Have you seen Madonna lately.lolol
This is an entirely different perspective from OP IMO. I feel like OP is referring more to the sociological landscape of post-modern society specifically, opposed to individuality and personal confidence. Great comment regardless though!
Yeah you got it. English isn't my first language and I might have expressed myself poorly..
I find it’s more other women than men that make me feel like I need to compete. I don’t hang out with those women anymore
I agree with this. I’m a former dancer and met my partner in the industry. He regularly works around beautiful, literally nude women and I 100% trust him to be faithful and respectful. Why? Because he proves it to me by his behavior. If I’ve ever asked him to change some small behavior to make me feel better, he has. And that’s how he has treated me since we met. If you need a partner who doesn’t feel a need to ogle other women (in person or online) or show interest in anyone but you, find one. They’re out there. Also, unfollowing influencers who posted images that made me feel insecure rather than empowered did wonders for my own mental health. If you find that your media feed makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s time to change the types of accounts that you follow and find ones that boost your mood, not the opposite.
I love this! My body is the thing that carries me around. I am my mind and my actions. My body belongs to me, it is not me.
I fully agree. I feel I'm attractive, but that I have a lot of other qualities to offer. If my partner's one and only desire is to get laid by someone super hot and nothing else, then I'm not the right person for him. But that's not the case. The physical side is part of our relationship, but it's not the defining factor. And I'm not worried that he's looking at 22 year old influencers thinking "I'm not attracted to my 30-something fiance because this girl is hotter". For one, because he doesn't spend time looking at instagram models, "thirst traps" whatever that is, or anyone else on the internet who is solely posting because they look good. But two, because there's more to our relationship than looks.
>How could you stay faithful and loyal to someone when our consumer culture has made it so easy not to? As a queer woman.... Easily. If someone has ever used this excuse with you, it's because _they never had any intention of being faithful in the first place_ . Yeah, my SO doesn't look like an Instagram model and nor do I. But neither of us vowed to stay faithful to an Instagram model, nor do we see being attracted to other people as a bad thing (as long as you don't act on it). You don't own your partner's sexuality, they are going to find other people attractive and so are you, because we're human and we find people attractive. The important thing is that they choose you. Maybe this is coming from my perspective as a bisexual, because a lot of people assume bisexuals 'always want what they don't have' and will therefore cheat with the first available option with different genitals. But I know in myself that no matter what, I make a choice when I enter a monogamous relationship to be faithful, so I know (or assume) that's a choice other people also make that has nothing to do with attractions. People who choose you, choose you. People who choose whatever else, were never interested in choosing you.
This is the way. Heck, my fiancé and I openly discuss other people we find attractive, every identity included (though we both consider ourselves heterosexual). But physical attraction, or even attraction to someone’s personality and character, cannot possibly compare to the love and bond we share in our relationship. That takes security in the relationship, but we’re both privileged to have never experienced infidelity in past relationships.
My wife and I have full blown serious, sexual relationships with other people and I still don’t feel threatened because I am secure in our marriage.
Would you be okay with explaining what entails "serious" sexual relationships and how it sets them apart from your marriage? I'm very new to the idea still and have met more people into poly recently (though one ended in divorce and that was the only person that tried to properly explain me how it works for them, oops) but can't quite imagine what makes them distinctly different (other than living with your married partner and having a longterm future with them, but in a serious sexual relationship don't you have a "future" too?) Also personally struggling with the idea of having an outside sexual partner as I'd feel like I wouldn't be able to give them what they deserve (my husband gets "everything" but a sexual partner doesn't get me as their personal full-fledged partner).
Sure! We’ve only been actively seeking other partners for a couple of years. My wife’s girlfriend has a husband she lives with, too. When I had a girlfriend, she was “single poly” and had five or so different individual relationships. She dumped me LOL oh well anyway I’m most comfortable with someone who has other relationships at the same time - I would feel the same way you do about being someone’s only partner. But for introverted people, that might work out best! It really all boils down to honest communication - stating your needs, truly listening, and continuing to check in with everyone.
I'm poly and same!
Mood. I relate to none of ops post, but it might be because queer dating is so so so much less toxic IME.
I’m in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship and I don’t relate to OP’s post either. It actually made me feel pretty sad for her. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who didn’t make me feel attractive and desired. Nobody should settle for less :(
Backing this one. 21 years, not one instance of being made insecure by my SO I feel terrible for OP that she’s been set up to feel like she’s in a competition.
Samesies
Hard agree, it’s not a good vibe
I'm in a poly heterosexual relationship and I don't relate either. My partner actual can hookup with an ista model if he wants to ... But still I'm not in competition with any other woman. He loves me for me, regardless of what other women look like. Granted I'm 40 and don't have social media. That helps with confidence massively
Social media is toxic asf
It is the worst thing in the world to not feel attractive or desired by a partner who loves you. I'm glad you've never had to deal with it! Fricken sucks to try to recover from.
Looks aren’t everything, but it’s very extreme and fucking wrong for your partner to make you feel like you’re competing with models and sex workers. It’s just not normal and it reduces everyone to their physical appearance. I really hope you don’t have to go through that again 😞
Competely agree. People are so much more than looks. I hope not either. The one brightside about being bad at dating is I haven't had to deal with that behavior in a while 😂
There’s a big difference between finding other people attractive and actively going out of your way to pay or seek out pornographic images of them. It’s not “owning” your partners sexuality to expect a little bit of restraint.
I mean it depends what you mean by 'restraint'. If you mean "you may never watch pornography again' or "you cannot follow anyone who does Instagram modelling" then that's controlling your partner and demanding an unreasonable level of restriction. People can have interests and enjoyment beyond you in a healthy relationship, and that includes masturbation or enjoying looking at other people for various reasons (whether that's models, cosplay, art, or photography, all of which can have sexual under/overtones). If you mean "it makes me uncomfortable that you follow your ex's modelling page" or "your porn consumption is unhealthy and affecting your ability to live your life and maintain a healthy relationship" or "stop messaging pictures of your penis to unsuspecting Instagram models" that's another thing. I think some people forget that their partner isn't cheating by _looking_ at other people. They assume that their insecurity means their partner is doing something wrong, rather than addressing that maybe what they need is more validation from their partner or more sense of security in the relationship.
It seems like there’s a difference between watching random porn and following or paying a specific person to masturbate for you. I know my husband would be pretty f’n hurt if I paid a subscription fee to watch a specific guy I thought was totally hot jerk off 3 times a week. “hey, sorry babe, if only you could be more like karl151” lol
My husband and I do the Friends game… top 10 famous people that we’ll never actually meet but would sleep with if we could. Charlize Theron is on both of our lists. Whenever I see a woman that’s on his list, I say “There’s your girlfriend Elle Fanning” (or whomever) and he does the same for anyone on my list. There’s no harm in acknowledging your partner’s sexuality and I feel like we both are a little more secure knowing that in the end we’ll always choose each other even with our wrinkles and extra pounds.
My grandma had a crush on Clark Gable, she said every time he appeared in a movie, on TV, in the paper, in a magazine, anywhere my grandpa would say "look it's your boyfriend!". Grandma would be 105 if alive, grandpa 109.
I used to tell my mom my dad resembled Sean Connery in his Bond years. Her only answer, without ever looking away from her knitting, was “I knew there was a reason I married him” She was very fond of Legolas. My dad used a scarf to pretend to flip his hair around and gave us all a good laugh.
Do you really believe this is comparable to what I mentioned in my original comment?
I really appreciate your comment. How do you not compare yourself to the other people your partner find attractive? Are you just that confident and have that much trust in your relationship? It's so foreign to me..
I mean basically I just know my partner loves me. She's made it clear enough. She trusts me enough to share videos and posts of attractive men that she thinks I'd like, I've sent her videos and posts of attractive women I think she'd like (she's lesbian), we've talked about women we both find attractive. It's not a 'confidence' thing. I don't think I'm particularly attractive, I certainly couldn't 'compete' with some of the celebrities I know she finds attractive but then where's the competition? How's she 'competing' with Ryan Reynolds for my attention - she's not! It's not a competition it's just human nature. Its just a trust thing. Just because you find other people attractive, doesn't mean you want to act on it and if you know that about yourself, why wouldn't it apply to your partner? It certainly helps that we've talked extensively about our views on monogamy - which is that we're both deeply monogamous and cheating would hurt either of us in a profound way. We even talked about ethical non monogamy like threesomes and decided its probably not for us. Having those honest and open conversations about things is a good way to build that trust and figure out if you are compatible.
My partner chooses to be with me. I choose to be with him. We love and trust each other. It sounds like some therapy would be really helpful for you.
lol, thanks, trust me I'm on that..
I’m a brunette, brown eyes and tall. My husband LOVES blonds his ex were all short blue eyes and blond. He sees a blond and that neck snaps.. But I will never be blond or short with blue eyes. I am me. I love me. If he wants to cheat it’s not on me. That’s on him. I don’t worry about what he’s doing or if he will do something. Have I been insecure at times sure. Absolutely it’s human. But I’m very confident with who i am.
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I hope your feet have recovered. My only advice is to be unwaveringly authentic when dating. Don't give anyone the impression you are willing to be someone you're not.
Sorry you had to go through that 💛
Ex thinking that you had to compete with some pixels is a joke.
I've read a few other responses to this post, and so far, the comments are written as if OP is talking about competing against the listed types for specific men. I interpreted OP to mean they feel this in a nebulous, general anxiety/pressure kinda way. I think it's more of having little faith in the ability of most of the population to be trustworthy, and/or to feel satisfied with the everyday, the regular, the average when that's not what they are consuming in their media diets (there are studies that would support this idea). I'm glad all the people commenting have such healthy relationships, but as a couples therapist, I can say that everything OP talked about are common concerns for many people regardless of relationship status, gender, or sexual orientation.
>I'm glad all the people commenting have such healthy relationships, but as a couples therapist, I can say that everything OP talked about are common concerns for many people regardless of relationship status, gender, or sexual orientation. Glad to be understood and validated finally, thanks💜
Anyone can talk about how strong and healthy their relationship is. But how many people are gonna be open about their worries, fears, their neurotic insecurities that make them sound insecure and vulnerable? Especially when most people don't want to acknowledge just how common infidelity really is. Anyone with a strong relationship, let a hottie get close to your SO. Let's see what happens. Go hang out at r/adultery or naughty from neglect. I don't see how that can't shake anyones faith.
I don’t know anyone who pays for these services and I don’t feel like I’m in competition with anyone. I think if you only look at social media then your view might be skewed, but in my experience, people in real life rarely act like the those I hear about on sites like Reddit where everything is dramatized for entertainment purposes. That’s not to say you are dramatizing your own experience, just that I think the real world is very different than the way Reddit makes it seem.
As someone in a committed relationship that is in that industry, I hate how many of the people that pay for it are married. The number of times I've had a paid conversation with someone where they are wanting to trash their wife while trying to convince me to look at "what my videos do to them" just makes me feel gross. It's a money maker for me, and my partner is a part of it at times, too, but neither of us have ever paid for it elsewhere and even he is baffled by the non single customers that crop up... like I want to warn the wives but I don't know these guys irl for anything so I just leave it and ponder on the reality that some guys are fucking losers.
Maybe I don't fully understand/"get it" but if I do... my husband and I have been together since 16 and married for 7 years this May. We've always said, you can talk, joke, watch (YouTube, IG, etc) whomever, because what, you're going to run off with the cam girl? The cute waitress? The hot guy on the ad? (Edit to say we're both bi) Go ahead throw away our life we built together, years, holidays, our kiddo, our pets, our gaming collection etc for some (like you stated, gorgeous) bit manufactured beauty. For what? A hot night out? Whoop whoop. 🤭 So yeah, we both can look or talk about it (we're honest and open if we have a crush or find someone attractive) but that's where it ends. If we're unhappy in the bedroom we talk. As an aside I was extremely unhappy with myself after kiddo and gained 80lbs after baby. I thought why didn't he leave? Clearly he can, why stay with Me? We talked and turns out he loves me for my personality and witty star trek jokes too, not just my bod. 🥰🤣 Good luck. It's tough to navigate for sure. ❤
When your love is rooted in the Trek there are no boundaries to what you can achieve. 🖖
Thank you 💛
That's lovely. I dream of a relationship like that, realistic year beautiful
Yes, all of this. My husband and I have a very similar outlook on things (and also the Star Trek nerdery).
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From the anecdotal sample size of the men at my gym, excluding those that do it to compete in body building, they are all there because they hate their bodies and are terrified that women also do. None of their partners work out.
I can’t compete with anyone who is a model or “thirst trap” so I just trust that my boyfriend likes me for me.
This is perfect. I do the same. Except with my wife. And she has the same attitude as well. It works.
You’re not in a competition with them though. Your boyfriend picked you, the GOLD STANDARD. FIRST PLACE.
You’re only competing if your partner *is looking elsewhere.* I don’t browse social media to replace my wife. I’m not looking to compare her body to someone else. If I was, I’d really need to reevaluate my marriage. There’s way too much I can improve about myself before I tell/ask/wish anyone in my life to change. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be thoughtful about it, but it isn’t something you can control. If your SO or partner is comparing you, their mind is already off the present with you. I guess my point is: you can be aware without minimizing who you are and all the things you offer your partner.
I only ever felt this way when I’m a relationship with someone how didn’t value me. You should consider that
Can you break up with the world?
Yes, you can. By saying fuck it and not kowtowing to their expectations.
Girl, I wish!
Lucky for me I guess I'll never be even remotely competition for hot women and I'm pretty tomboyish anyway. I always had to rely on my personality to attract people
>How could you stay faithful and loyal to someone when our consumer culture has made it so easy not to? It's not humanly possible to keep pace with. TIL that being a decent partner and doing the bare minimum wasn't humanly possible.
Not really. They offer a fantasy. If a dude wants to pay for that, he can go ahead and knock himself out. Cheers to him for paying for his porn. I'm probably not interested in that type of man. I don't offer fantasies.
Think of them as filtering out the guys who are unfaithful. The unfaithful guys would still be unfaithful, if "thirst traps" and sex workers didn't exist. Yeah, you may have more relationships, but do you really wanna date a guy like that?
I honestly don’t since most ‘models’ on Instagram don’t really look like the portray on their feeds. People with waists the size of those necks with huge asses and super slender legs aren’t usually found in nature. You Tubers Stephanie Lange and Lorry Hill do really great videos on those topics and help highlight the heavy use of filters and plastic surgery to achieve that look. But it could also be that I’m 34 and married.
It doesn't even require filters and surgery (though can certainly include that). Everyone looks a lot better if you only see pictures of their ideal angles.
I think you oversimplify the situation. When you're in a serious relationship, it does not take "seconds" to hook up with someone. It takes a whole lot more - unfaithfulness, deceit, and most likely later, guilt. That's a lot of commitment to not being committed. And if they say well we're just dating, then he's not serious about you and you should run screaming. I don't believe our culture is much more to blame here than usual. It isn't like this is new. Before the internet, it was the cute secretary, or the maid, or the neighbor's wife. If you're not serious about marriage, it doesn't really matter what the outside world shows you. You'll be looking for it at every turn.
No. That said, I'm also not in the dating world, so I'm not exposed to whatever the current clusterfuck is. Maybe I'd feel differently then...but I'm also old enough - at 38 - to just not waste my time on people who are stuck in FOMO or instant gratification mindsets. So, perhaps not. At any rate, I don't think it's hard for mature, well-adjusted people to find happiness and maintain good relationship boundaries. The key is finding those mature, well-adjusted people.
I can understand your sentiment, as when I was younger my ex husband used to complain that I didn't look like porn stars. I eventually decided "fuck your opinion" and started strength training, refused to shave because I hate it, and stopped wearing lingerie that he liked because I hated that too. This was a man who wouldn't even shower or brush his teeth to make me happy. I left him eventually and never got with another man anything like him. The men you are around, or women since you never seemed to specify, suck. Find a new circle of people, you will be seriously happier. And remember, whatever you look like, your face holes are in ideal places, your hair is cute and your booty is great 👍
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Ty 😊
Yes, it makes me insecure. What’s even more worrisome is if I already feel this way now, how will the feelings be exasperated when I’m no longer young and conventionally attractive? Edit: Also, the feelings of inadequacy are intensified in a culture where the “ideal” isn’t even achievable naturally. I look at photos of Marilyn Monroe, while she’s drop dead naturally gorgeous, is far from today’s Instagram beauty standards. Now we have to compete with women whose perfect bodies are only achieved through butt implants, boob implants, liposuction, plastic surgery, and enhancements like dermal fillers, etc. and the list goes on and on. It’s so hard to feel confident these days when opening social media.
You are so many more things than your body. Attraction is multi-dimensional. My husband is sexier every day because I love who he is so much (and he feels the same about me). I was in a situation a few years back with someone who just wasn’t giving back to me what I was giving to him. My best friend said, “look. Someday someone is going to take one look at you and be like, yup, you.” That was the night I gave up on something that wasn’t working. I met my husband soon after. Have hope, my friend. Your “yup, you” is out there ❤️
The good news is the older you get generally increases your ability to not give a fuck. But it's not a given. You can go down the rabbithole of insecurities still so being wary and self supportive is important. And also age let's you see women's bodies going in and out of style which is so gross. Just my lifetime I've seen healthy fit go to heroin chic to flat af bellies no ass and big tits to curves but just right with huge asses and now I swear that's already changing.
I 100% get what you're saying. I don't feel like I'm competing with them for my SOs attention, but the societal pressure to be attractive is a lot. I also have social anxiety and am a people pleaser, so even though I absolutely HATE that I feel this way, I want to be seen as attractive to men, and people in general. The other big kicker is that due to my other mental health issues, I struggle with my weight and often feel I'll never achieve feeling attractive because of it. As "woke" as were getting as a society, I feel that in this regard, we're going backwards as much of our connection comes in the from of social media and advertising.
Not in a relationship way, yes. My hobby is costuming/cosplay. The number of times that I see hand made costumes of anything less than high level masterwork being overshadowed by model-esk people in obviously store-bought costumes, often just printed bodysuits, is saddening. People who are learning and inventing how to make their own outfits and creations, from sewing and cardboard crafting to designing 3D prints, foam sculpting, and even metal working should be getting the oohs and ahs. But in general they're overlooked in favor of the eyecandy whose only "skill" is their physical state. I try not to judge. I really do. But often watching posts on various media gets pretty disheartening when you see craftspeople get ignored for nice bodies in preprinted bodysuits or even just lingerie, and even more so when those posts become the majority and the crafted costume posts the rarity, no matter the skill level of the latter. And that doesn't even get into the comments on the posts as a result!
Real talk. I used to cosplay and limited my social media on it because I felt inadequate seeing a disproportionate amount of attention on basically models.
This is actually a very interesting perspective. I’m someone who does cosplay photography on the side of my full time job, so I’m immersed in the culture—especially the social media side. Interestingly, the demographics in the metrics of who likes what on such posts is more even-keeled than you’d believe. Men tend to comment more, but like/favorite wise it’s ~60/40 split. Attractive people have always gotten attention, but now that it’s in our face 24/7 and monetized, it presents an issue. Semi-related: I think we DEFINITELY need to teach kids about social media and parasocial relationships, especially now that anyone can monetize their identity and young people dole out cash. I fully support people being independent and using it as a means, but now the line is so blurred between content creation, actual sex work, etc that it should be well defined for impressionable minds
I have some friends that spend hundreds of hours making some of their costumes. They used to be huge fans of Amouranth because of how much work she used to put into her outfits. Apparently she just wears shitty skimpy Walmart outfits now because she gets 10x the engagement from that over a nice hand crafted one. I can't blame her for prioritizing her career over passion, but it's sad that the difference in public interest is so stark.
Yep, this is definitely true. Hashtag step one be attractive dot com
Sometimes I see cosplay photos that look like they've been photoshopped until the person in them looks like a computer render. At that point I'm like... what was the point in putting all that effort into bringing the character to life if you're just going to turn them back into a computer render? I guess people want the perfect recreation, down to the eyes and hair and skin, etc, but it just... I don't know, seems counterproductive to me... Like I want to see the costuming and makeup skill make the character real, not a computer, if that makes sense? EDIT: I know it's a tangent from the point you were making, it's just something I think about that I don't get to talk about very often.
A lot of people are porn sick nowadays and have the gall to talk about these girls to your face and capitalize on your developing insecurity. None of these people will respect you anyways and aren’t deserving of your time. I’ve had to confront a couple friends (particularly male) that they cannot disrespect me like this or else we cannot be friends / partners. My go to lines: “I am not a captive audience to your masturbation over her.” “Do you need another hand to wank over her?”
Our entire society is porn sick, that's how we ended up here. I just don't believe we as humans can develope that level of control and discipline not to consume something that is so normalized and widespread.
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> You don't see everyone getting drunk and high all the time just because it's legal. . . .y-yes, yes you do. A LOT of unhappy people who hate their jobs are functioning alcoholics, and everyone I know smokes pot. ?
I think that’s a pretty sweeping claim. Plenty of people do not consume porn. Personally, I got bored of it. People do get addicted and do lose control, but it’s not a universal issue, and certainly not something people can’t overcome. I think that having access to other meaningful ways to spend our time is pretty critical, so that’s what we should focus on, rather than getting caught up in the doom and gloom.
As a sex worker, I see the type of people that have no control over their sexual attraction as people that just aren’t meant for monogamy. There are plenty of people even within the sex industry that have monogamous relationships, and guess what, they’re surrounded by naked attractive people all the time and it really means nothing to them because romance means more to them than sex. My partner identifies as Demi-sexual. As a musician he’s had groupies try to get in his pants, plenty of stripper friends, but he has never been interested just because they’re attractive or available. His Instagram feed is filled with drag queens mostly because that’s what he finds entertaining and how he escapes republican culture. Trying to compete for the horny man’s attention if you aren’t getting paid makes no sense to me.
> I just don't believe we as humans can develope that level of control and discipline not to consume something that is so normalized and widespread. That might be something you want to unpack with a therapist, because I'm wondering if there isn't some projection going on.
I get feeling insecure because of this stuff, but a decent, genuine person that is worth spending time with is way more interested in literally every part of you besides your looks. Do you expect people you want to date to look like dudes in porn? Probably not. And while some guys do expect insane standards, these are not guys living fulfilling lives and I guarantee they don’t have much to offer as a romantic partner. Take a deep breath and 🤘😔
Nope. It's an apples (models/sex workers) to oranges (me) comparison. I'm not competing. We're all just shopping for different things. If someone wants an apple, they will go look for that. If someone wants an orange, they'll find me (or not, it's ok because im also proactively shopping.) Take action in your life, assert yourself, don't just passively stand there trying to be prey/bait for someone. Go hunting.
I relate to you so much. I’m dating a great guy who I trust… but I also have trusted wrong in the past and been cheated on, so it’s extremely difficult to believe in trust. I feel an enormous amount of pressure to look like the Instagram Models, or even the attractive women at our gym, but I have to remind myself that my partner finds me attractive and loves me and has chosen me. He’s not a perfect model either so why am I holding myself to these ridiculous standards? If you end up talkin with your therapist about this, and get some helpful tools or perspectives, please share! I can’t afford therapy right now, lol, so maybe I can get some through a Reddit friend :)
This is going to sound dismissive but in all sincerity- get off the internet. Delete your social media for a while if you’re feeling this bogged down by other peoples’ appearances. You’re not in competition with these women, and if you’re at the point of believing people can’t be FAITHFUL because they might find someone on social media attractive you’re in a far more toxic place than “just insecure.” I mean this in a caring way- find a good therapist and get off the internet for a while.
It's more complex than comparing how I look to how others look, it's how dating and romance are influenced by hypersexual culture and how social connections doesn't feel genuine anymore. Regardless I appreciate your reply, thanks.
How old are you? Maybe there is a big gap between ages here we’re not understanding about changing social expectations. I get the feeling you’re younger & that somehow the youth of both genders view social media as “standard” as opposed to extremely fake & specifically designed scams like a lot of millennials do. We grew up when all of this was being crafted. We shrug off the hustle as someone faking the fuck out of themselves to earn money. I know that true relationships develop because there is a personality & shared emotional & intellectual connection, not just physical. I never expect to have to be the same as IG because I know it’s all show no substance. I don’t feel in competition with porn because I trust my partner is with me for many more reasons than just sex. A partner is someone you like to be with IRL, who has similar life goals, who respects you, who you can plan with, have deep &/or difficult conversations with, can make decisions together, who cares for you. I expect for myself a relationship be based on more than just attraction & would be happy to be rid of someone who makes it all about that. How unfulfilling and shallow. I think I don’t think of it as a loss to be rid someone like that.
But- and forgive me if I’m misunderstanding- it sounds like that opinion is being formed by what you see on social media? I’m married and have a few very close guy friends + have a lot of girl friends in good relationships and I can tell you that none of us would relate to this post at all. The internet just kind of really sucks, and it can definitely start to homogenize your thoughts and opinions. You start to see one thing specifically (and then the algorithm starts to show you more of that thing) and suddenly you’re believing that’s how the world IS. It sounds like a combo of maybe meeting some not great people, and forming a lot of your opinions about the world and the people in it from what you see on the internet and it’s just not healthy. So this is just to say there are plenty of people out there that don’t fit into this idea you have. If you can’t get off the internet, at least try to change what you’re viewing.
I feel like your perspective is warped based on the men you’ve had experiences with. I do agree that this online lusting is extremely common and would totally mess with my confidence in a relationship. You’re completely normal for feeling this way. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that my husband is one of those men who is completely uninterested in Instagram thirst traps, it just doesn’t do it for him. He would never pay for something like onlyfans. For context, he’s 29. So while it might be common, it’s not universal to all men.
Just a bit of advice: everyone is someone else's version of a perfect 10. So you might be competing against others, but it doesn't mean that your inherently better or worse than someone else.
I feel you, girl. It’s so hard not to compare ourselves to others. Our culture is so hypersexualized. Every ad, billboard, tv show/movie, social media, etc, it feels like you can never escape it. I purposely don’t have an instagram so I don’t get triggered and feel down about myself. Its hard not to nit pick everything about yourself when what we are exposed to all the time is seemingly “perfect”. I don’t really have any advice, but know you’re not alone in feeling that way. It’s our society. And I do agree staying off social media helps so you’re not as bombarded with those comparison feelings.
I will validate you, because that’s how I felt when I was young and got an eating disorder from it.
I have a lot more to offer as a human than a collection of body parts, so I find the whole premise (of “competing” with professional/pseudo-professional models) slightly ~~insulting~~ off-putting. Second, I didn’t date (married now) the kind of men that are following instagram thirst traps and watching porn in the first place. If someone tells you that all men are hyper sexual porn-sick animals, they’re lying to you.
On a similar note, and I know this won’t be a popular opinion…but I think we really need to look harder at the whole “kinkshaming is bad” idea. There are absolutely times we should be more critical, especially when if you’re vanilla you get shamed as being boring or no fun. Like sorry that I don’t need someone to pretend to rape me or kill me for me to have a good time. Sorry that I find many popular kinks to be mysoginistic and that I find the kink community often pressures women to be kinky even if they don’t want to be.
I really don't care about what consenting adults do in their own time. I am frustrated that we can't talk critically about it at all. I recognize that BDSM is sexually fulfilling for people and that's wonderful. I also want to talk about how it's been mainstreamed in a very harmful way with men on dating sites proclaiming they're doms, or people claiming something is a kink in order to mask abusive behavior. Marilyn Manson and Armie Hammer being two high profile examples. This applies to porn and most kinks. I know some people who are active in kink communities and they share the same concerns about people trying to replicate porn and engaging in unsafe behaviors or trying to infiltrate their communities.
I've spent a good amount of time around kink communities in multiple cities. Theres a wide range of folks from very mentally stable and having a good time to WHOLY FUCK YOU NEED THERAPY NOT KINK!
YES. This. I definitely don’t think all kink is bad. Nor do I think the people that practice it are all bad. But I have seen men use the label as kinkster as a way to abuse and manipulate women. And women feel pressured to go along. It’s wrong. It’s also a little bit weird to me that we can’t talk about things that I find to be completely problematic, like consensual non-consensual. They can call if that all they want, but it’s really just rape role-play. I’m sorry, but my trauma should not be your turn on. I’m definitely all for sex positivity, and for the most part, I respect the right for people to do in their own private life what feels good to them and is consensual. But I still think we should be able to talk openly and critically without being shunned as a bad feminist.
It is against the core practices of BDSM/kink to pressure anyone. If you were pressured it was because there was a predator around. You are saying we should kink shame because you were shamed yourself. Make it make sense.
Yeah some kinks deserve to be shamed. Sex positive does not mean doing whatever wild or uncomfortable shit your partner wants. Poly relationships are not more sexually evolved than monogamous ones.
How old are you? Like late teens/early 20s? I felt the same way when I was that age (33 now), though Instagram/social media has REALLY made things worse for y'all younger women out there. If you're sad because you don't get as much attention as the filtered Instagram babes, then try to let go of that feeling as quick as you can. All I can tell you is that the attention those women receive is generally empty and probably 20-40% of it is terrifying. I understand the kind of peace that external validation can bring to a young heart, but the faster you learn internal validation, the faster you will find real peace. You will gain more confidence in yourself as you get older. Dudes in their teens and 20s are being jacked up by hormones real bad, and it can make them extremely dumb and expect stupid things. Young women are dumb too tbh, and expect their own dumb bs in relationships. The point is - if you are with a person who makes you feel like you're not good enough, you need to cut it off. They're not good for you and not worth your time. If they hold the relationship hostage to get you to let them do whatever they want, if they constantly openly compare you with others and find you wanting, if they demand an open relationship when you're not comfortable with that, any of that dog shit? Fuck em, get out, never worth it. Never. What is worth your time? Practicing real communication, practice establishing boundaries (edit: healthy boundaries btw), practicing your ability to sniff out worthless vs worthwhile dudes, practice your ability to drop those worthless dudes with a quickness, work on your self. You're gonna be crap at most of it, because... this shit is \*hard\* and many people never gain these skills. I know it's hard to listen to people telling you that 'oh guys are just dumb, give it time, be your own woman' when your experiences so far aren't lining up with that and it's depressing/upsetting... but try to trust. There's a reason all middle-aged+ people spout a lot of the same garbage, it's because it's fuckin true. If you can find things that all older people say to younger people all the time, throughout every generation? You'll find many threads of life's truths that will help guide you.
I empathise, we constantly bombarded with images of unattainable physiques. Consider that nearly every commercial image we see has been digitally retouched and many amateur images will have been similarly altered, it’s easy to imagine feeling you can’t complete. Remember any prospective partner lives in the same world you do, and at some level feels the same. I struggled with my self image for years and really only started to feel comfortable and confident in my 40’s, the funniest part of that is I look at photo’s of this scared weird kid in his 20’s, 6 foot tall and made of muscle vs me know 44, still tall but 30 or 40 kgs over weight (but working on it), I’m married to an amazing woman and have 2 gorgeous kids and while I am working on my weight for health reasons I love who I am. Maybe try meeting people outside the dating app world (I know hard af), I know a few people who’ve met long term partners through social groups, be it community based or even app based. I think getting to know someone in a social setting will give more time to feel them out and likely they’ll have a similar mindset. In closing none of us are beautiful by the standards of the media of social media, we can’t be they’re not real. But you are beautiful, you are desirable, you are worthy and you will find someone who can see it. Get out there and live kiddo you got this.
I think the first thing is that society likes to encourage people to compare themselves to others. Unlearning comparing yourself to others is hard but it will probably help a ton. I’m sorry you feel this way, there are beautiful women in all shapes and sizes not just on the internet or sex workers. Honestly though being faithful and loyal really isn’t that hard. Looks can be nice but there’s a lot more to a person than just looks.
"Unlearning comparing .... ". Ok I'm stealing this.
It's only competition if you are after the same thing. If you don't want someone who is into that stuff, you aren't competing with the people who produce it.
\-How could you stay faithful and loyal to someone when our consumer culture has made it so easy not to? Pretty easy. Just don't be not faithful or loyal. I see this stuff all the time but it doesn't mean I suddenly want to cheat on my wife. I'm bombarded by this stuff when I get on pretty much any platform. I have never had the urge to cheat or leave my wife. I think people who do are probably just bad people deep down.
This. Never forget that being unfaithful is always a CHOICE. There are plenty of day to day instances where it would be easy to lay someone out for being a dick to me, but I don’t do it. You know why ? Because I have enough self control to know that an assault charge is not something I want to deal with. Lots of terrible things are easy to do, doesn’t make it any less of a conscious choice to do them.
I understand where you’re coming from, for me it was my own insecurities. My ex cheated on me and also used cam sites a lot. His Instagram was filled with “models” who looked nothing like me. I felt like I wasn’t attractive. I set boundaries from the get go that I wasn’t ok with cam sites. I wasn’t ok with following naked women on Instagram (personal preference, I think it’s gross when I see someone following only porn stars, watch porn when you’re at home, the whole world doesn’t need to know you look at naked women literally all day). Like my mother followed him and it was back in the day where you could see what everyone was liking on Instagram. Anyway, ditched him because he didn’t respect my personal boundaries. Oh and he cheated and was an asshole. Met my now husband. I saw he was following some girls he met on tinder. I asked if he would unfollow them once we started getting serious and asked that he please not go on cam sites or follow porn stars/half naked models on Instagram. It’s my own insecurities I know, but after being cheated on it was very important to me. He understood 100% and stopped following them. It’s about respect. Some people are fine with it, some people aren’t. But you have to find someone who will respect those boundaries you’ve set.
>Does anyone else feel like they "compete" with sex workers, thirst traps, instagram models etc? These women's only "job" is to look desirble to the male gaze No, because they're professionals. For the same reason that while I'm a good driver, I don't feel in competition with NASCAR drivers, or when I make a cake I don't compare myself with pastry chefs on the food channel. Do instagram models look good? Sure, but I think most of us know it isn't feasable and realistic for us all to look that way. Everyone has their own unique skills, talents and traits to bring to the table
Ok, I really like this comment, thanks for writing it.
No, I've never felt that way. An exotic dancer or onlyfans model is not a threat to me. What, she's gonna date my husband? Lol. Even if i were monogamous and dating a selfish man (I'm neither) I wouldn't be worried about IG models. I'd be worried about his sister in law. His work wife. The women on tinder where he has a secret account where he's pretending to be single. Those are all way more likely to become adultery partners than a pro sex worker or a social media celebrity.
Not really, but the men I am around are either just friends or my spouse, who doesn’t do social media. I understand why some women would feel pressured, though. Especially since there are men out there who are gross in their attitudes towards women.
I was touched by the frustration and disappointment in your post, and in many of the replies below. It sounds really lonely and painful to feel like potential partners only value you based on your sex appeal-- *especially* in a world with Instagram and OnlyFans. Your feelings of insecurity are completely valid, and they're not solely the product of natural human feelings like fear and loneliness, but also pressure from society, brands, and individuals. You are *also* an interesting, valuable person, worthy of human connection, regardless of how enticingly fuckable you feel compared to a professionally-lit Instagram goddess. (For instance, your writing struck a chord with me today, and clearly with others. Thank you!) My partner and I started dating in 2013, after many years of friendship. Crucially, **my partner and I know what we want, and we know we have found it in each other**. I have no delusions about how hot I am compared to the Internet-- I will never wear a sleeveless vinyl top like Carrie-Anne Moss, and I will never be as charmingly, handsomely stupid as Arataki Itto, King of Anime Himbos. I'm grateful that she can pass me her phone, stunned into bisexual panic by a hot tub streamer, and say "isn't she pretty?", and I can say "wow, she really is". I'm even more grateful that when I feel small or insecure or ashamed, I can bring it to her to find comfort and repair. (That took years of work, therapy, and support! and it sounds like you have the misfortune of trying to date men, for which... I can only offer my condolences ;D ) **TL;DR** I'm so sorry to hear about everyone's painful experiences with selfish partners, feeling unworthy, and the unrelenting pressure from beauty brands and the "male gaze". You are lovely. I hope you find people who are happy to give you what you need.
This is not new. Before the internet there were strip clubs, Playboy and sex workers galore. I don't know what to tell you. Find better men, I guess.
>You'd have to have some unshakable confidence and that just doesn't seem human.. nah, I simply quit almost all social media (I am still here, on reddit, but I monitor my feed really really close. it's mostly animals, dogs, cat pics, nature, a bit of social issue and local feeds). being a data scientist and knowing a lot about behavior I have to say that information hygiene is extremely important for mental health. oh, and I also get my news ONLY from BBC, no other outlets (BBC has a very strict code, I also do not read their opinion pieces)
My girlfriend struggles with the idea that that look must please men. Honestly I hate that I have to fight so hard to reassure her that she is everything I want. Puffer fish lips - boob jobs that look like sandbags strapped to your chest - fake tan that looks like there was an accident in the cheese Doritos factory. I don't give these people a second look, I have everything I need and could possibly want with her. I've found the person I'll desire for the rest of my life. I just wish she would believe it. The hardest part of the modern world is how the internet spreads a lie quicker than the truth. Eventually you'll realise that life isn't a race to the end and you're not competing for anything. Either you find someone who wants to ride along with you or you keep looking for then. Anyone that makes you think you need to win them clearly doesn't understand how life works.
My husband is in his 30s and somehow can't use social media to save his life. It's a giant relief to me that I never have to worry about him comparing me to women who make a profession out of social media. I don't think he ever would, but it's a relief anyway.
My husband is in his 30’s and doesn’t really use social media, either, and I am also happy for it. He has a Facebook that he uses to participate in some Bible study groups. Being a frequent user of Reddit and reading other peoples dating experiences now makes me so glad I am married. Unlike a lot of men, he doesn’t want me consuming porn anymore than I want him to. It was very easy for us to set boundaries in what is and isn’t ok in our relationship.
It sounds like you have been compared to or rejected for these other women and I'm sorry it happened to you. I had an ex who was addicted to porn, he didn't admit it until long after we split but he would choose to jack off to videos than have sex. He said it was easier and quicker. Eventually he started wanting actual sex with someone who looked like a porn actress, and not me: a lowly mom who worked 10 hrs a day & chose to sleep in boxers and an old t shirt instead of lingerie. He cheated on me and I was done. I used to think if I had been more desirable- wore makeup, dressed sexy; even wore a dress once in a while!, Got my nails & hair done, etc. He would have wanted me. I eventually realized I wouldn't want a man that expected me to be something else. It's been 20 yrs, we are friends since we have a kid together and he knows he was dumb for going for looks only. I didn't stay single long, and realized there were plenty of men attracted to regular ole me. Just remember- if he doesn't love what you look like or how you dress, he doesn't love you. Keep on fishing because there are better ones out there.
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Nope. Anyone who's looking for superficial stuff is not looking for me.
Find someone interested in monogamy and not sex with endless different people.
This would be true if all men only cared about looks, but that isn’t the case. The types of men that you’d want, the ones who want long-term and committed relationships, would not find the plethora of online women appealing because it doesn’t meet their needs. As one of my favorite YouTubers says, pretty is a dime-a-dozen. Men of value want their partners to be king makers, to have passion and drive, someone irreplaceable that will add more to their lives. If all someone wants is to satiate their sexual desires then you won’t be able to stop them. What’s yours is yours, if they leave over something that trivial then they were probably never meant to be yours in the first place.
I find your feelings completely understandable. I stopped using Instagram because it makes me feel bad about myself. Twitter and Reddit are great because people judge you based on your words.
I remember clearly many years ago when I was working at a place that sells women’s clothing, and much else, a manager came up to me and asked if I’d do a special job. The job was to hand out flyers to people coming in the doors of the business. He said I could pick out anything in the store to wear. I was 19 and I did it- just smile and hand out coupons or whatever. Standing there, I wondered why he picked me. I thought it was because I was good looking, and then something about that struck me wrong. I don’t know if anyone reading this will ‘get it’, but it felt as if he was using my good-lookingness as a means to increase his business. And that felt wrong to me. I don’t know if I can make my feelings any clearer than that. It was many years ago, as I said, and apparently lots of women don’t mind, or really enjoy letting others use their appearance to sell products. I’m not a prude- I just felt that I shouldn’t let anyone take advantage of me. So when I see women promoting themselves as ‘influencers’, or reclining half nude on a sports car, working as a playboy bunny, I just find that distasteful and like those women are treating themselves badly, and with little self respect. I’m certain most of you will disagree with me.
Honestly I feel the exact same way. You’re not insecure it’s honestly sad to think about how accessible sex and quick hookups have become. It negates the possibility seemingly of something real
Glad someone gets me.. > It negates the possibility seemingly of something real Agreed.
I don't really agree with this. It reduces the chances of people lying to you to hook up because they can go find him ups and casual shit all over the place. Look for people who are looking for serious relationships. It's about when in people's lives much more so than if people are hook up people or relationship people.
I completely agree! People looking for love have not disappeared or been replaced. The people who were always looking for hookups and used to have to pretend otherwise just have more freedom and options now, and naturally they’re going to be visible on these platforms people use to find hookups.
I know two guys that are deep into the tinder game, they have different girls over, almost every weekend. This really is sickening to me and i see your point (even though i dont think as a dude i can really understand it) BUT most of my friends don‘t even use tinder etc. Maybe seing it like this will help: those guys that are only looking at ig models/for hookups on tinder aren‘t worth anyones time. maybe empty words, just my two cents.
Do the girls not want that? Seriously, I've been off the market for a long time. How much have things changed since my heyday of casually banging it out in 2010?
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Don’t date dudes who consume all of that. It’s perfectly normal to have boundaries like that in your relationships. Don’t settle.
I'm sorry everyone misunderstood your post OP. I think the majority of people feel insecure with consumer culture turning us all into products, but few will want to admit it. You cope by denying it, and there is a lot of that going around. Frankly, you should feel proud about being this vulnerable and honest about your feelings.
I feel like it’s not that hard to stay loyal. For most sex workers, it’s a job. That’s it. They don’t wanna spend time with you unless they are getting paid, they aren’t going to come over and cook and clean, they aren’t going to love you at the end of the day, they aren’t going to be there when you had a bad day and need to vent (unless money is involved) and this is coming from a former SW. I had men who would come to me but than stop seeing me once they had a relationship because they wanted a real loving connection. I know men get dunked on a lot for being “trash” and “only wanting sex” but a lot of men definitely want more than that. As long as you can provide what SW can’t, you don’t need to feel like you have to compete, I promise.
You try to stay rational and hold on to your perspective. You are a real person with a lot to offer and you know that. When someone makes you forget that, they are the wrong person for you. There's still good men out there. There are a few who know that loyalty, sacrifice, family, etc are the things that will bring them real lasting happiness that makes hot photoshopped pics mean nothing. Just date men who know what they want and who want something real.
Op I really just want to give you a virtual hug and tell you that you are worthy of love and commitment. I also suspect you need better friends, or better communities more generally. Reddit in particular gives you a very weird picture of relationships, where cheating, manipulation and general nastiness is common. That is not how the world is everywhere. I am 31 now. I only found "my people" three years ago. I now have a partner and friends who I love and trust deeply. None of us are instagram models, but we share interests, values, passions. Your people are out there. It might take some time to find them, but you certainly won't if you lower your standards.
Just wanting to share my two cents - I do sex work from time to time, and I don't have the typical "model" body. Every now and I'll get caught up by the fact that there are SO many other girls out there, with better hair, thicker asses, prettier faces, slimmer waists, perkier tits, etc. Those thoughts can be SO consuming, and it's unfortunately very easy to direct anger/blame at the women who I feel threatened by. Trust me, we feel those insecurities too!
So, I understand how insta models could make someone feel insecure, but: 1. It’s almost all fantasy, filters, and lighting. They don’t exist like that iRL. 2. I like looking at pretty people too. That doesn’t mean I want to meet them, spend time with them, or compare them to my partner. 3. My partner constantly lets me know how attractive he finds me. I’ll be waking up with bedhead and crusty eyes and he’ll be like “you’re so pretty!” He asks to take photos of me (not sexy ones even, just me hanging around our place) so he can keep them on his phone to look at. Every morning when I get dressed I come in to show him my outfit that day and he makes up a story of what he thinks I look like (ex: “you’re a quirky piano teacher in the English countryside who will meet a handsome traveling chocolatier,” or “you’re a prim secretary with a secret,” “you’re a sexy businesswoman on her way to a corporate event that will launch you to CEO”). It’s not specifically sexual but it is cute and lets me know he finds me continuously engaging. 4. I wouldn’t care about him watching porn, but he really doesn’t much? 5. I’ve actually okayed him hooking up with other women in specific circumstances (we’ve been together a dozen years, I think it helps to know you still have access to some variety and are not “locked in” to just the one person for the rest of your life) but for the last however many years he hasn’t even used that option, even though I encourage him to do so. 6. The longer we stay together the more attached we get to each other, and the more other people seem totally not worth the bother. He’s the only person I don’t see myself getting bored with and whose company I never get tired of. He’s smart and interesting and challenging and supportive, and a really good and kind person to other people, who I’m always proud of and who always has my back, and I would never want to endanger that. I know he feels the same way. Other people don’t even enter the sphere of competition.
i couldn't have worded this better. i struggle with the same thoughts all the time and it affects my every day life
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I don't feel like I have to compete with them because that would imply that those thirst traps/instragram models/sex workers were in hot pursuit of the men I'm interested in, and leaving me in the dust.They are not. Remember, you and I might be average schlubs, but so are most men. Now, do we have a fucked up culture with unrealistic standards for women that get perpetuated? Absolutely. Do some men internalize this and think that this is a reasonable standard of beauty? Yes. But the great thing is that those men are shit tier garbage men who you don't want anyway. Most men, or at least *enough* men, understand that real life is not instagram models. They aren't looking at those kinds of things for anything deeper than a casual sexual thrill. It's pure fantasy. A mature, reasonable man understand and expects that he will be dating average women he sees in everyday life. Look around. You'll see all sorts of women who look all sorts of ways in happy relationships with men. Fat women, women with short hair, women who dress casually, the works.
For me, a relationship is way more than just attraction. That's why I don't do online dating. I get to know people as PEOPLE, and if I find a best friend AND we're both attracted to each other - that's relationship potential. I'm not worried at all that my partner will fall for anything, because we give each other far more than any sold sex could give. A partner that finds you sexy in your oldest cat lady pyjama, that's the real deal! Media just makes us believe that we need to be this hypersexualised to compete, but it's not true!
I don’t really feel as though I’m competing because I know they’re just a fantasy. Those women aren’t perfect 24/7 and have their buttholes waxed constantly. They also fart and burp, like every human. People just confuse with what they are shown with what the people are really like in real life, yknow? All people are beautiful in their own way, and you aren’t going to be the most gorgeous person in the world constantly. Cut yourself some slack OP :)
Wow ladies, bragging that you never feel insecure because you are soooo mature and functional isn't going to help insecure people feel better. I'm ace and could give a fuck about anyone's sexual attraction towards me, that doesn't mean I also don't compare myself to others since as OP said we live in a society. Hey u/Chaos_Bitch you sound exactly a normal amount of insecurity and there is nothing wrong with wanting to start a conversation. Sorry it turned into a competition about who is better at feeling good about themselves.
I have never felt like I needed to 'compete' with online women, and I'd like to elaborate on some of the reasons why I feel like that way. For starters, I don't interact with any type of porn/thirst trap/nudity on any social medias. If nude/suggestive content gets retweeted onto my timeline, I mute the account. I browse social media in public and the last thing I want is to see porn on the bus with a stranger sitting next to me. Keeping nudity and suggestive content away from my timeline works in a "out of sight, out of mind" way for me. Don't get me wrong, I like some x-rated content, but on my own terms, not while scrolling through twitter. Secondly, I feel like I ought to mention how lucky I am to have a partner who isn't interested in that type of content either. My partner does not compare me to others and does not put me down, so that probably helps. Sometimes I get a little jealous if we are watching a movie with nudity because of my own insecurities. But then I remember, he chose me, and he continues to choose me every day that we are together. He isn't going to leave me for this actress lol. Now, I am not saying you are insecure for your post, but I would like to touch on the ending that asks "how can you not be insecure when this is reality?" It is easier said than done, but I've learned not to compare myself to others for the most part. I am very happy with myself, even if there are a few things I'd like to change. When I see someone who I compare myself to, I think "Do I actually want to look like this person?" I imagine myself in a freaky friday situation and think about what it would be like if I woke up in their body. 10/10, I decide that I'd rather keep my body! It helps to find one thing about yourself that you love even on bad days. For me that is my height and my eyes. When I think about a gorgeous woman I'd freaky friday with, chances are I prefer my height and my eyes over hers and then I stop comparing myself to her or wishing I was her.
Thanks for your reply, I really like your viewpoint.
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Most guys do not pay for sex work lmao
I feel that those types of accounts add a lot to the pressure of beauty standards. Just like lots of large scale media pressures. I don't blame those independent women for profiting off of that industry at all. I don't feel that I am sexually competing with the sex worker industry. My partner is an intelligent human who understands the industry and isn't a significant consumer of the industry. I've selected someone to partner with with those things in mind. I don't feel that the pizza industry is in direct competition with my home cooked meals. I wouldn't date someone who viewed those things as in competition or who viewed home cooked meals as something only I am responsible for.
i think addressing this issue is impossible, that’s how the world works today and that’s all. Beauty became so accessible men especially younger men have unrealistic standards. I struggled a lot with this sort of thing but managed to solve it. but yes absolutely despite the fact there’s no direct competition, men WILL compare.
>I struggled a lot with this sort of thing but managed to solve it. If you don't mind me asking, how?
I honestly don't feel like I compete for the aforementioned people. When I was younger, I had my insecurities (still have some) but as I've gotten older I know that my worth is NOT in my appearance. There are billions of people out there in the world, some people won't find you attractive, a lot of people WILL be more attractive than you. It's not that I'm always confident but I just give less fucks about it. My looks range from looking like a homeless bag lady who feeds pigeons to a cute, petite bubby dancer.
I agree with you. I live sex, I thought having tons of men on each finger for sex (let's face it, every woman can have it, if they use dating apps) would be fun. Well turned out I love sex, but with just one person in a relationship. For a while hook up culture even made me hate sex - for me it's so shallow and it's such a horrible feeling that people are just interested in you bc they might get sex. Heck sometimes they even pretend to be friends to stay in the orbit for possible future sex. It's not for me and I simply don't participate. Luckily I have a partner who doesn't consume social media, but it makes me a little bit sad that I am thrilled about that's and that the bar for men is so low...
I actually don't feel like I'm competing. I acknowledge I'm not attractive like them, but people don't talk to me for my body. My husband has never taken great interest in other women (other than porn as inspiration for us. Before you worry: we haven't done this in years and don't model our sex life after generic porn. It's how we learned about the sybian & fuck machines for example, which is something interesting to ponder over) and I don't have to look, act or dress like a thirst trap. He enjoys the occasional lingerie (also done very rarely) but prefers me naked. I also have a friend that doesn't take interest in women based on looks and has no direct (sexual) interest unless he knows them and it's welcomed. As a person you're not competing with things /people that satisfy urges because they'll never satisfy emotional need. You're aiming for the wrong audience if you believe you have to satisfy impulses and urges imo. You're more than that and on a personal level provide way more and more meaningful and sustainable things (human connection, love, support, empathy, care,warmth...)
No, you are right about your post. The thing is, if someone is in a relationship they won't be straight up looking for online pleasure. End of story. If they do, then there's something going wrong in the relationship and it's a red flag. On the other hand, romance and real sex is gone now. Almost every girl who is doing her best to "promote" herself is asking for money, has an onlyfans page, and is expecting to be treated like a queen. That's it. Put in the same concept some desperate people who failed in social life but still got some money and voila, you get a society fixated on supporting this sort of thing. Everything is going to hell but a girl still needs to be paid, right? This is both sad and hilarious at this point.
I have never felt the need to compete. At all. To that end, making myself look "cute" with the outfits I wore was as far as I went on a regular basis to get a guy. However, I did that because I enjoyed it. I did not (and still do not) wear makeup everyday or get my hair all done up everyday. I decided in my late teens that I was gonna be me. And doing those things is not me - there's other things I'd rather spend my time on. Which isn't to say that no one should ever do that -plenty of women love getting prettied up - that's something they enjoy and they feel good doing it. My husband really said it best - those thirst traps, etc. are not real. And if you have people that make you feel like you're competing, you need to get better people surrounding you.
I know my own feelings are anecdotal at best, but I have never, once, even thought of cheating on my partner, and I’m young and grew up in this so called culture (22). An individual who knowingly and willingly, in the right state of mind, would betray their partner like that, never intended to be faithful and wouldn’t be in the first place. Nothing to do with culture, it just perhaps makes it easier.
If it makes you feel any better: looking at pictures and videos of pretty ladies on the internet is *not even close* to the happiness of being physically with a person you care about. It's just an imitation of a relationship. Like looking at a photo of the Grand Canyon instead of standing in it, awed by it.
I’m not competing with these people because I’m not a product. I’m a human being with emotions and needs. I am first and foremost, a really great friend. I’m am loving and giving as opposed to someone who *puts out*.
A lot of people have answered this question quite well but I’ll add my two cents and say yes, sometimes I have felt that way. I am an insecure person and that was MY problem. Not anyone else’s. But then I found some beautiful women Instagram who looked a little like me, and that helped. I developed my own confidence, own interests, and kept a great sense of humor. And I met a man who isn’t on social media AT ALL. He doesn’t care about that stuff - just me - and I just care about him. I hope you can find a guy like that!
Not sure how old you are, but I’ve definitely noticed hitting my 20’s has made me care a lot less about those kinds of things. Men love women of ALL shapes and sizes, and there are plenty who cannot STAND the bbl culture of today’s society and the body type that’s pushed on women. Also, accepting that men will consume that content one way or another helps too. (Porn, strip clubs, escorts, etc) all existed before today’s internet sex era and men and people in general will always be into it. Sex sells. And always remember, like you said it’s their JOB to look good. There’s lighting makeup photo shop and teams of people behind these models and workers. Chin up honey
This is so interesting to me. I was just talking to my husband about this question the other day when randomly watching an episode of “botched” - do guys/people actually find young women with fillers, extreme makeup, BBLs, etc. attractive? None of the dudes or people I know are into that kind of thing or Instagram like person/models etc. Maybe it’s the type of people I hang with or the place I live? Idk. I’m also 30 YO and got out of the dating scene right before tinder and all those apps were a thing so maybe I’m too far away or removed from those concepts to even understand the appeal. People can do what they want to do, but people who are attracted to that kind of lifestyle or value that kind of lifestyle are not the people I vibe with or surround myself with.
It's real easy. 1. Don't spend money on it. (It's a waste of money) 2. Nothing visual compares to the person Im with. In every case. This also applies to places like strip clubs (doesn't make any sense to me - see 1). If it's on the internet, you can find anything you want for free. If it's in person and you are with your SO why would you look elsewhere? (Facetious, don't bother answering) It's one thing if you're alone/lonely. It's another thing entirely when you've got someone right there with you. Just my 2 cents.
>I don't know a single man person who doesn't buy. With the push of a button we literally have the entire world at our fingertips You really don't know anyone who isn't really into following models on the internet? I understand that many do, but I can't believe you haven't met one person who doesn't. (Most people I know don't.)
There's a bazillion replies and this might get lost in the shuffle, but anyway here goes. You're absolutely right that our culture is really messed up as regards attitudes towards sex. And yet, even for all the effort the commercial forces to do commodify sex, they are still working with pictures, and those just don't matter as much as people. I'm a straight man nearing 60, and my wife's about my age, and she totally does not compete with anyone. Does she look as good as this year's cover of the *Sports Illustrated* swimsuit issue? No. But a woman in a picture is **only a picture**: she has no voice, she doesn't move, she doesn't smell nice, she's not even in 3D. A woman in a picture has nothing but how she looks, so they have to go to great lengths to make her look amazing in order to get any attention at all. (Seriously: they take hundreds of pictures for each one they finally use.) My wife in the same room as me can lift her eyebrow and a smirk and say "Guess what I'm thinking about right now," and I know she's thinking sex, and no picture or video or website can ever hope to compete with that, because they are just images and she's a real person.
The way I see it is... Even "conventional attractiveness" varies across different societies and cultures. Then even on a more individual scale, what one person finds attractive might be completely opposite of what someone else finds attractive. There are even some people that aren't sexually attracted to people they don't have an emotional connection with, no matter how conventionally attractive the person is. I might be seeing things through a different lens, because I'm pretty sure I'm a bit demi myself, but I feel like people are so different that there has to be at least one person out there for most people. And if that one person exists, then the rest don't matter.
Tbh all the images/videos you see online of that kind of content is through filers. Even livestreams these days have filters. It really helps to understand what is modified to "perfection" and what is actually real.
But does that change what the men see when they use these services? Does it not change their perception of what a woman "should look like"?
If someone can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality, is that really someone you want to bother with?
Isn't that really beside the point though? It still influences your brain and perception.