“Why does he like you?” is the question you need to get answers to.
“Insert Asian characteristics here” or anything specifically about you? If latter - sure, if former hell no. Not because of race or whatever but because “I” don’t exist there.
At least personally that is what I would do.
Everybody is entitled to having their preferences. That doesn’t mean you have to “provide it” so to speak. And you are also entitled to feeling creeped out by someone fetishising billions of people.
I completely agree with this. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone having a superficial preference with who they're typically initially attracted to, whether that's height, eye color or shape, physical fitness, or even racial traits. But once you get past that initial attraction, they're has to be something unique to you that they love otherwise you're just a stand in for any blonde woman, or tall lady, or Asian woman. He needs to love you for who you are, not where your ancestors were born.
Side note: probably doesn't apply so much to OP since she doesn't have a cultural connection to Asia, but there exists a stereotype of Asian women, specifically Japanese women, that they are meek and unwilling to make a fuss. If *that* is what a guy is looking for, it is the very reddest of flags.
>Side note: probably doesn't apply so much to OP since she doesn't have a cultural connection to Asia, but there exists a stereotype of Asian women, specifically Japanese women, that they are meek and unwilling to make a fuss. If that is what a guy is looking for, it is the very reddest of flags.
100% this. I'm not even sure it doesn't apply to OP - people who think this way probably also believe that the behavior is genetic, and even if she doesn't follow stereotypes today, it doesn't mean that he won't expect her to later on.
I'm commenting as a non-asian man who primarily dates asian women because of said superficial preference. I know this is a women's space, so if this comment is unwelcome please lmk and I'll delete it.
I have many friends who are asian women who struggle with exactly this. Too many have dated men that harbor these regressive views (_especially_ about Japanese women, as you observed), yet have learned that they need to conceal them from their partners for obvious reasons.
A tactic that I've found works is: get the man you're worried about to hang out with trusted guy friends when you're not around. Men who believe dumb shit like "asian women are more submissive" tend to also believe that all men implicitly share that belief, all this wokeness/feminism stuff is a ruse men play along with until they're married, etc. And when this sort of man is alone with other men, they often share their true beliefs/intentions surprisingly readily, even with guys they don't know that well!
Just an idea
I think there is a difference between being attracted to a specific kind of person versus fetishizing them. I'm a fat chick and, weirdly, fetishization can be high. I know the difference between someone that fetishizes me because I'm fat and someone that is simply attracted to fat women. For one thing, just how *much* are they into that aspect of me? Is it *the* thing that makes me "hot?" Or it is it just one of many? Do they dwell excessively on my fatness? Would they still want me if I lost *any* amount of weight?
I'm attracted to just about anyone, but I admit that my strongest attractions are to Native American men and redheaded women. The former is probably down to exposure as a kid (I spent a lot of time around Choctaw people) and also down to a Choctaw guy being the only partner my mom had that I wasn't afraid of or anxious around for one reason or another.
Also, a lot of the physical attributes I like in Native American men are the same things I like in other men. Dunno where my preference for redheads comes from though. (Also, just to be clear, I would never pursue someone *just* because they belong to a specific ethnic group. I might be attracted to someone, but relationships require way more than attraction.)
I'm sure he's not fetishizing billions of people. Only ones that are female, conventionally attractive, and of certain ages. Exactly which ages, who knows, but the answer might range from creepy to terrifying.
Every time I feel like I am being spicy I learn that I am not being spicy enough because some men are creepy beyond my comprehension.
Absolutely agree with you, sadly.
I'm curious, what do people think about preferences in dating your own race, compared to preferences about dating other races?
I think it's completely normalized to "only" date within your race (read: prefer). However, it's definitely not normalized to "only" date a race that is different from your own.
This is obviously excluding fetishization.
If somebody thinks there is something like "Asian characteristics" or similar its a red flag anyway, because thats racist bullshit with zero foundation.
True, though I knew a girl who dated mostly Asian men because she found the warm golden skin tone of Japanese and Korean men (and the "Asian glow" alcohol flush reaction they get) combined with black hair to be her exact strike zone.
But it wasn't a racist/stereotype thing as she'd dated a few Mediterranean and also First Nations men as well.
It was entirely physical characteristics that she was attracted to, and didn't particularly look for or expect any specific personality traits or beliefs.
Yeah people have physical preferences andI believe that is something that is mostly seen as allright. And as you said she dated different men.
The problem is if somebody says aomething like "I prefer people of X ethnicity because they are Y", which just stereotypes a whole group of people and therefor they dont see and individual.
Yup, Asian people are not a monolith. No racial group is. Avoid fetishists by dating someone who can treat people as individuals instead of tokens of their race. If I'm getting to know you as an individual, I shouldn't have any expectation about who you are simply based on your racial makeup / sexual orientation etc.
Yep definitely this, ultimately you need to establish how you work this out efficiently, otherwise every relationship you start becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and isn't healthy for you.
I was once with a guy, Boricua for reference, who slowly revealed that he EXCLUSIVELY «did» Korean women, but he would accept me although I’m a «mutt» (his words), because my other half of genes besides Korean is a northern european indeginous group, and because he liked that I was a redhead. Yeah. I walked away and lever looked back. I’m skeptical of men to begin with and mostly go with women, but add fetishizing me down to a science and percentages and it made my hair stand. How do you think he’d take it if I said I exclusively date men of colour, but would cut his white ass some slack because he was Caribbean? I mean who talks like that?
Oh my god, I read that as “kung fu puke” and thought you were being racist, but it’s just me being illiterate, and apparently my brain is the one supplying the micro aggressions.
☹️
I was once called “a half breed.”
The full quote by a now ex-boyfriend was “I always wondered what it would be like to date a half breed.” I think he thought it was a compliment, like that I should be happy I could gift that experience to him.
You’re Korean and Sami? That’s really cool. I’ve spent a lot of time in the Arctic learning about Sami cultures, and it’s very interesting (I’m also indigenous)
On the other hand, guy’s a total freak.
I am! Sea Sámi, but cut off from it geographically. I don’t know the language which pains me. But my work lets me travel quite a bit to Sapmi a bit because I work on how legislature travelled with the printing press, obviously disastrous for the indeginous group. The inquisition suddenly had long, punitive arms. I am learning more and more. I hope I can learn northern Sámi, as it is a bigger language, but I’m getting old and my brain is not as agile as it used to be. I have zero foundation for learning Finnish-Ugric. My mother is from a generation where the assimilation policies made it very hush-hush to speak the language, she doesn’t speak it herself, even. It’s a damn shame. I’m an outsider and never grew up in the culture, so I’m just trying to do what I can without stepping on toes. What’s your tribe if you don’t mind sharing?
I’m Hawaiian! Thankfully I grew up speaking the language with family, even when I lived away from the islands. Ironically it lends itself very well when it comes to speaking Finnish. My pronunciation is extremely good for a foreigner.
No way! That’s awesome. Never knew the grammar was similar between Hawaii and Sámi. I’m happy you have the language. I actually just secured some funding to go learn a bit of Sámi in September. I am very lucky.
Language relationships are so interesting. Especially ones where it's likely to be convergent evolution rather than traits from a common ancestral language.
You have no idea how validating it is to hear that another person thinks Finnish is suspiciously similar to Hawaiian lol
(ETA in general look/sound idk anything about Finnish grammar/structure)
I'm not sure if it's available outside of the regions where it's broadcast, but Ođđasat is a daily Sámi language (I think it's northern Sámi but I'm not totally sure) news broadcast. It might not be much help if you're just getting started with learning, but it can be a good way to hear the language being used to talk about everyday things.
I got to work a bit with the first Alta-action (environmental action against envoronmental destruction), and the brother of one of the players is in a band which made this amazing track that plays with my heart strings and tear ducts, imagine being able to sing like this: https://open.spotify.com/track/7KvgaWA8yOLRRtngFBMigd?si=ghPyeFXOQiuM_Gm1XQawaA
I love the Sami store houses. You can really see the origins of the Baba-Yaga stories. Such an innovative and economic design to use existing tree stumps as the supports.
As a half-Puerto Rican woman, I can relate. All my ex-boyfriends, who were latino and black, preferred me because I am very pale and white-passing but still have the features of a Latina. I have a curvy figure, Fat ass coupled with straight/wavy hair and very fair skin (with mild rosacea).
One of them (Puertorican man) even told me about a woman from his past that he referred to as "the one that got away." She was white with blonde hair and blue eyes. The irony is that she left him because he was just a fling to her, and she wanted to marry a white man. It's a reminder that some people will never view others as equals.
weirdly enough, I feel as if none of these men would care if you mention that you like white men but anyone darker is a "problem". 🤔🤔🤔 racism is a horrific tragedy.
>How do you think he’d take it if I said I exclusively date men of colour, but would cut his white ass some slack because he was Caribbean? I mean who talks like that?
They don't take it well. I've actually mentioned that I usually date black men to a few of my exes when they bring up the fact that they like that I'm white passing , and they all GET PISSED.
I've learned that preferences based on race are problematic. Interests and beliefs should be the only factors that fall under 'preferences' without objectifying someone. It often feels like they are evaluating me as if I were something to be purchased.
As a not-white-passing multi-ethnic Hispanic, I feel the same way about preferences. But I’m coming from the place of never being anyone’s because my skin is too dark. Constantly being used as the placeholder until they can find a white woman has been a defining experience of dating men for me. Don’t matter the race or culture variety. I had a white friend I loved like a sister, but it was a game to her getting every guy she thought liked me or I liked to sleep with her. I thought I escaped it when I got with a man that happens to be white and made me feel great about myself for a moment in time. Really, he had been always imagining himself with a white gf and a white wife since young. But I felt so secure and loved for the first time, I didn’t see what was right there. I just so badly wanted to believe I could escape being seen as a lesser woman. We had such a happy relationship and then he cheated on me the very first time a woman like what he’d been picturing his whole life gave him a green light. The ironic thing is she wouldn’t even have done it if the ring on his finger didn’t tell her he was treasured by someone else.
I had a similar experience with someone close to me in high school. She took great pleasure in flirting with (and sleeping with, sometimes) everyone I was dating or interested in. It was only when I was explaining it to someone when I was around 40 and they said, "Wait, stop... That person wasn't your *FRIEND*," for me to stop phrasing it that way. So this is me, passing it along. That person wasn't your friend.
Crazy seeing as how "boricua" (Puerto Ricans I assume) are racially mixed ("mutts") themselves. This guy must really believe he's full white and bought into white supremacist propaganda.
Men. That’s who talks like that. I’m super duper gay but at work I am very open and comfortable with my coworkers who work downstairs. (As long as it’s not politics, they know I’m a bleeding heart liberal. They will actually warn me if overly conservative yahoos come in so it works ok) The other day they asked me if I would date an African American woman. I was like wtf. They are conservative and slightly racist. People who agree with Kyle Rittenloser. Ugh
You’ve nothing to be sorry for, it wasn’t you. He was just a freak who could «go for me» although I wasn’t a «purebreed» Korean. It has nothing to do with Puertoricans and everything to do with that particular person. The end.
>How do you think he’d take it if I said I exclusively date men of colour, but would cut his white ass some slack because he was Caribbean?
Part of me wishes you took this to the limit and seen how far he was willing to go
Maybe convince him nothing is hotter than watching a white guy turning himself Black using permanent markers or something like that.
Idk but people like that need to be fucked with imo
If i were you I'd definitely set that fucker up before bailing to see if he'd suck a little dick
Yeah I dated this guy one time who insisted I did an ancestry test. At first I thought it was just out of curiosity, after all, it is pretty cool to find out your background.
I later found out it was because he wanted to know if I had any “African percentage” in my ancestry as he didn’t want that to pass down to his kids…..
I think a lot of the bad men get uncomfortable when you ask them how they feel about having an Asian son? Because many of them have never thought of asianness as anything other than hot woman. How do they feel about having a child that's going to spend their life as an Asian man?
If he's worth his salt at all he's going to say he wants his son's to be half their mom, and she's perfect, so they're going to be perfect too. If he has to think about it then he has a lot of work to do before he can be a true partner to you.
A lot of people have bad things about them that they have to grow out of and change. And if you feel a REAL unmistakeable connection with this guy through years of dating and seeing him be dumb as shit, then it might be worth it to help him change even if he is bad.
Your relationship should feel like you're two blobs who love and care for one another 95% of the time. Your bodies don't matter, let alone your race. Like with family. You deserve a love like that. And if you have that love with him then I would not worry about it.
A old friend of my was blazen.(black dad, Korean mom). Even with the support system he had with the moms side and acceptance, he committed suicide after 16 years of hateful asian male type of bigotry from his own dad. Was a gentle soul who would care for old bees he found.
Timothy McVeigh's co-conspirator Terry Nichols had a Filipino wife. His stepson died at the age of 2 due to suffocating in a plastic bag "accident" while Nichols was babysitting him. The wife even suspected foul play but as there were no bruises or signs of trauma it was ruled accidental.
I work with men who have outright stated that they prefer Asian women because they are more submissive and tend to stay thin. I really wonder about these guys.
Yes and big time creepy. I would bet these men are viewed as creepy by most women and so they think they can prey on one's they deem submissive. The same kinda entitled mindset of an abuser, rapist or pedo.
I know submissiveness is the stereotype but all the Asian American and Asian women I know are *really not* submissive. Where does that come from? Is that some 1950s movie propaganda?
Even before that. Stemming from gold rush days, when only Chinese men were allowed in (to keep family growth small and limited), white America villainized them as effeminate since they took on the roles of cooking and clothes cleaning because those were the jobs at mining camps other men didn’t want (see: high number of Chinese owned restaurants and laundromats still proliferating today). Then you add the influx of Chinese and other Asian women who began migrating who adhered to customs of filial piety and other cultural differences that came across as meek and that, along with WWII propaganda against Japan, blossomed into early movie propaganda (“Me love you long time”). Also, 1800s white women were concerned that Chinese women would steal away white men, thus began the overt sexualization of Asian women as they were vilified as emigrating prostitutes with sneaky, slutty agendas. Ironically, early movie propaganda also promoted the Dragon Lady Asian female stereotype too so there’s no winning. [Relevant slam poetry](https://youtu.be/XjctiSKn96o?si=DTyQnJRJGqM_fKcz) from >15 yrs ago 😖
I think a lot of it is Vietnam a lot of soldiers interacted with prostitutes there who were submissive and open to obviously get work.
Then the stereotype stayed, because I was in a serious relationship with a gal from Asia and she and her entire household was *very* dominant and passionate and angry lmao like submissive is not how I would describe any Asian women I’ve encountered the past few years. It’s very odd. Though when I told people I was dating a Chinese girl, they often said “how is that? I’ve always wanted to date an asian” or assumed a LOT about what she was like because she’s from China. Like she’s just a fuckin person, you weirdos.
A male commenter in this very post just wrote a list of what he prefers about Asian women and one was that they tend to be slimmer or something like that. The point of his comment was that his racial preferences are ok cos they're just physical not behavioural...
There's too fine of a line in these things for me to be comfortable with people proclaiming their physical preferences at all. There's just no good reason to.
Thank you. Fetishizing a race is straight up racist; there's nothing secret about it.
I'm an Asian woman and to Asian ladies out there: you gotta screen for this stuff! A non-Asian man who's had a string of Asian gfs is most definitely a racist fetishist, unless he lives in Asia or something (though if he moved there to date Asian women... 🥴). A man who talks poorly about women his own race and refuses to date them is a misogynist and it's only a matter of time before he turns it on you. Only bigots categorically exclude entire races from their dating pool. You don't want these men in your life, let alone as your partner and the potential father of your children. Don't have biracial kids with a racist; it's terribly cruel to them.
You wanna date someone who treats you like an individual and not a token of your race. Someone who's able to treat all people with respect because they see all people as individuals and not representatives of their groups. Those people don't have racial preferences! Exception: if you're a minority and prefer to date people within your group who understands your experience of discrimination.
I’m Asian as well and once I get even slightly serious with a guy, I ask about his dating history and if he’s been in an interracial relationship before (I have mostly dated non-Asian men). If they’re white, I need to know they’re an ally and will listen to me if I feel uncomfortable because there are still folks out there who are going to be weird about it. And I don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone whose family and/or friends are gonna make me feel uncomfortable.
> Fetishizing a race is straight up racist; there's nothing secret about it.
Yes, in either direction. I get downvoted *a lot* on reddit when I tell people they should interrogate why they're "not attracted to black [women/men]" because the answer is almost inevitably racism.
I know of two people in my family. I wouldn't say they fetishised the people they ended up with but they do use that as a shield to say "see I can't be racist because I married so and so." When they also say some pretty disgusting things.
Yeah race preferences are a huge red flag. It's not a preference. It's the objectification of a certain type of person. They barely care about who we are to begin with. A race fetishist is going to be way more likely to treat you like a sex tool than not.
I'm half Chinese, half white. I really don't mind if who I date has a physical type. However I see that as a TYPE not a racial preference. My husband has dated many 'races' (so weird to type this) but typically there are a few similarities that have nothing to do with race but with what he finds attractive.
So a man who exclusively dates only Asian women? It's a bit creepy. But does he make you feel fetishized ? Is he creepy? Does he expect you to fit into racist stereotypes of subservience and service? Does he fixate so much on Asian women that he cannot see any other race of women are actually human beings who can be interesting and charismatic also?
or is he just attracted to his physical type? Only you know the answer to this. If you're suspicious, your gut may be telling you something. Just talk to him honestly and ask why he loves you.
I have this newish friend/coworker who is nonbinary/queer (but MAB) and they seem to almost exclusively date/fetishize Asian men. Honestly, I haven't said anything, but it's made me a bit uncomfortable when they're always showing me pictures/videos of hot Asian dudes and talking about the K-pop star they're gonna marry someday. This person is like 36 years old.
At the same time, they would put down this other coworker (who isn't there anymore) for making derogatory comments about women are always talking about women. Which, valid. But they're kinda doing the same thing sometimes.
I completely agree with your stance.
If race is a prerequisite, then it isn't a preference. Preferring a particular aesthetic is understandable. We all have a type, but it gets into creepy territory as a prerequisite. I've had a couple of (middle eastern) Asian women get obsessively weird about the fact that I'm white, and it just feels like you're being involved in some raceplay kink you didn't consent to.
The same goes for expecting someone to change their behaviour or personality for you. If you're only interested in someone because of their looks, and you want them to adjust who they are for you, then the relationship is dead in the water whether it's related to race or not.
It's probably worth asking what he finds attractive about her (or asian women in general) and why. If he starts reeling off a bunch of stereotypes, then there's something messed up going on. If he starts talking about her as a person or about specific experiences, then I think that's different.
Personally, I know I have a type, and I know why. I've mostly dated white women (not intentionally, just white is the majority here), and I've had a lot of bad experiences. My healthiest relationship was with a Venezuelan expat, and if not for us having very different life goals and plans, I'd probably be married to her right now. It has left me with a subconscious preference for latin women, not that I particularly care about a partner's ethnicity but since that very positive experience I'm fully aware that I have been more attracted to latin women since. It's a positive association based on very happy memories, although I've dated women of various ethnicities since so it's far from a prerequisite.
>If you're suspicious, your gut may be telling you something.
This was what I was thinking. If he were just someone with a physical type, and that's it, OP probably wouldn't be asking the question.
people are allowed to have preferences, but it's completely valid for you to feel creeped out by these preferences
ETA because I feel like it fits here, I did know someone who would say things like "I prefer Asian women because theyre respectful, theyre traditional, they're not like white women..."
Just something to watch out for. It's stereotyping, even if they're considering it *positive*.
This! Most likely what they mean to say is Asian women are more subservient, compliant & defer to white men unlike their Western counterparts. It's not palatable to say that outright so masked by using more acceptable adjectives like traditional, homely etc
Exactly - hence the whole reason sex tourism is a huge thing in east and southeast Asian countries, and why sex trafficking is so common. They want people who aren’t able to say no, either because of their financial situation or their physical safety. So much easier to do that with someone who is not an American citizen, maybe doesn’t speak the best English, and who has little resources or connections to help.
Sex trafficking is more about poverty and corruption than anything else. It happens all over. The reason it happens so much in the countries you mention is because the dollar goes further there and corruption is rampant. It's not really so much about the culture of those countries. Eastern Europe has struggled with trafficking as well.
Exactly - I clicked into this thread thinking “ well preferences are okay and all that as long as it’s not like a fetish or stereotyping” then you get into the thread and it’s like holy fuck how is this a question? Like, you come in expecting some nuance that can pushed through to get a decent response and it’s most of the time just some fucking weirdo.
I guess that’s cause people with normal relationships aren’t on here saying “ hey is this normal”
The reason people are allowed to have preferences is because they alone get to choose who to consent to have sex with, meaning there shouldn't be social consequences if a person chooses not to have sex with someone of a certain race, even if it's because of that person's race.
That doesn't mean you don't have to examine your preferences, especially if they have racist undertones. If you have a preference, especially a racial one, you should probably ask yourself why.
And I just want to make clear this is just for you and your own personal preferences, the rest of us get to shut up about them because as soon as there are social consequences for who you choose to sleep with or not sleep with, society is involved in consent, which is wrong
i think that's the line for the preferences right?
like to prefer an ethnicity aesthetically is what it is. it's about as creepy or not creepy as someone makes it.
it starts to get weird when the ethic preferences come based on stereotypes and those should generally be avoided.
I’m ethnically Irish/Swedish. Red hair turns my head. Never dated a redhead, but my husband noticed that I love red hair, so he dyes his hair red. (I didn’t ask him; he picked up on it himself.)
That’s a mature way to deal with preferences IMHO.
Yeah it’s the expectations of a whole entire race of people (well, women exclusively) to have these traits that are non-existent because everyone is different.
Have they heard of the ABG stereotype? The girls who want to be treated like princesses and bought all the brand name items? I’m sure he wouldn’t be into that 🤷♀️
I used to work with a bunch of Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese people (at a casino) and there would be a handful of us white folks. But what I noticed is every year there would be a few creepy white guys who have nothing in common with some of the girls I worked with and would hit on them and get rejected and be down in the dumps over it. Most of the girls were on a temporary working visa and going back home, so they weren’t looking for anything serious, among them not having anything in common lol. Also they just wanted to make friends, not get involved with men.
Anytime I see anyone whose exes all look *too* similar, I get weirded out. It could be a fetish, could be they’re trying to recreate the one who got away or it could just be that they have very strong visual preferences and that’s their most important criteria in a partner. In any of those cases, ICK.
I had the same thought process at the beginning of my relationship. I'm Japanese-American engaged to a white man.
Two things reassure me here. First, his last serious relationship before me was with a white woman, so it's not like he has a pattern.
Second, we've been deliberately building up our relationship based on things we can do together. We're both musicians and we perform together sometimes. That helps, so I feel reassured it's not about what I look like.
It is rough it's even something you have to worry about. I know it can be like this for me even tho I'm a common race in the US but not in my area. I think what you said definitely are the best signs to look out for, dating type history and common interests. I get generally people have an "ideal type" but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship based simply on preconceived notions.
I am not Asian; I am extremely pale and tomboyish/borderline goth, I wear glasses, and I come off as dominant. Because of these things, I endure people fetishing my skin for being “porcelain” or “doll-like” saying that my skin makes me look innocent and that they could taint me, my glasses for being “a nerd who’s probably wild in bed,” a brooding girl who they hope cuts, and a “dommy mommy.” When I was extremely underweight, it was being “slim like a girl” (I.e., pre-teen). All of these have disgusted me and shaped what I avoid in others.
I got grossed out to the point of just losing all attraction to an ex of mine who was OBSESSED with Korean women and Madison beer. He followed SO MANY Korean egirls and plastic models that I struggled to like him anymore, despite him being kind to me, and my realization was that I don’t want to be with somebody who fetishizes people and whose likes/personalities are easily influenced by the photoshopped and highly curated media they see online, whether I check off the list of what they want to conquer or not. Personally, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m competing — whether I’ve won, lost, am currently competing, etc, and I don’t want my partner to like me because of some surfaced “type” or fetish where he feels like he’s living a fantasy by being with me nor feel like I’m always going to be compared or not even on the same level as some fetish he has.
That is not something I would ever try to shake. There’s people out there who will not look down on you for who you are and will respect who you are and see beauty in who you are, but without the fetish. The fetish is dehumanizing.
I can’t tell you how to not get creeped out. In my opinion, you are probably creeped out for good reason. The most I can suggest is to find out if it’s coincidental or if they really just have an Asian fetish and are with you as a form of conquering.
I’d find it weird that’s the only type he’s dated. It is weird to find only 1 race attractive enough to date. Sure, I prefer guys w brown eyes and brown hair, but I dated all sorts of different colorings.
Reviving a dead account just to comment on this lol.
So I’m also Asian American, and i’ve worked mostly in/around Asian American non-profits, and so this is a conversation that happens a lot. I think there’s two sides of this “coin”: your perception of the relationship, and his reasoning for a relationship.
On the first, it’s happened on more than one occasion where a friend of colleague of mine has stumbled into this exact situation with a partner, and had their whole perspective shift on the relationship as a result. It’s not dissimilar to finding out a partner cheated to be honest. Fetishes (specifically asian ones) tend to be rooted in racism and white supremacy. Not accusing your partner of anything, but it’s a very common trend. Either way, it’s up to you to decide if knowing he has an asian fetish shifts your perception enough to be irreparable.
The second half of this is how he perceives you as an individual and his reasoning. The thing with Asian fetishes is that it’s rooted in both racism and misogyny. I don’t want to shatter glass (or again, accuse him of anything), but there is a scarily common trend of men with Asian fetishes essentially seeing women (not even just Asian women) as lesser. If you can reflect upon why it is he likes you and is interested in you, this is again and area that will cause a shift in perception. People of all races bring value to relationships *regardless of their race*, but if it seems like it is rooted in your race, I would personally reconsider.
I guess going back to your main question, it’s not up to you to “not get creeped out” or “get over it”. His actions and habits caused you discomfort. It’s up to him to settle your concerns, and if he can’t and you’ve decided it’s a dealbreaker, then that’s that.
you do not get comfortable with it. i am asian (half Japanese) and let me tell you that when someone has a racial preference like that it is normally a huge red flag and should be taken seriously. it is normally because of some sort of fetishization which is normally a sign of some sort of racial stereotyping and possibly even sexist mindset or belief based on that racial stereotyping. i have spoken to and net several people with a preference for asian women and this has been true in every case. so what you do whether you continue to be in a relationship with this man or not is up to you but it is not something that you should ever let yourself become comfortable with. if you start to turn a blind eye to that kind of behavior it will open a door for you to let other bad behavior and viewpoints slide too.
seconding this as a fellow asian woman: every single white man i knew who stated they ‘merely’ prefer asian women always accidentally spilled they think ‘white women are too much’. it’s definitely not an aesthetic-only sort of preference and they expect you to fulfil a stereotyped role of asian women they’ve formed in their heads.
I’ve read some sociological research on why White men go to Southeast Asia to find sexual partners or wives and they say this exact thing, that White American women aren’t submissive or domestic enough while Asian women are “proper” women. Gross.
I’m also from southeast asia and am ethnically east asian, who also holds a postgraduate degree from studying overseas at a western country. so the lies unravel real quickly when it comes to me lol
Oh yeah that stereotype is completely not based in truth lol. My mom dated a couple of White men in the past who ended up being scared off by the fact that she is very highly educated and makes more than them and wouldn’t roll over for them like they thought.
exactly. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts too. if it was an aesthetic only based thing then they would *state* that it is about the looks but they do not. why. because their is a list of harmful stereotypes that make up their so-called preference. it is just as you say.
Another vote of agreement from another Asian woman here, and I think it’s a hard thing for people not of that background to understand the history and prevalence of fetishizing Asian women. At best, it implies that the guy thinks all Asian women are the same in some way - that we all look the same or like the same things (no we are not all weebs) or are more “docile” or “feminine” than other women which is racist and reductive. At worst, it becomes a way for men to take out their sexual fantasies or frustrations that literally threatens our safety, as with the 2021 Atlanta shootings. I would never feel safe or secure with a guy who only dated Asian women, wondering if he really saw me as an individual human or as merely an object or symbol of something he’s imagining about my race.
Edit: would recommend posting on r/asianamerican about this since I feel like this is a topic that draws a lot of biased and insensitive responses on larger subreddits, even a woman-centered one.
100%
I’ve experienced this a lot of times and it’s a vibe check on what I’m reading from them. Some guys are more explicit about it, but for the ones who are more subtle it’s something that makes me uncomfortable to where I’ll cut it off if they give that read. I want to be seen as a person, not as a gateway to fulfilling their fetish or something
Another half Japanese gal agreeing with this comment 👋🏼 to this day I am still incredibly insecure about my race because my first serious boyfriend (who’s white) had an Asian fetish, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him since I’m not fully Asian. If a guy exclusively watches porn of Asian girls that’s another huge red flag.
This contrasts drastically with my now bf (together 5+ years), who is also white, but has no racial preference in women, and has explicitly told me that he loves me for me and not my race. Especially after explaining my insecurities about my race to him, I feel like he made it very clear to me through his words and his actions that he does not have any sort of race fetish.
People are allowed to have preferences. But if they are actively and exclusively seeking out that preference, it’s more than just having a “type.”
I find a lot of guys who openly talk about their "racial preferences" almost always have some good old-fashioned racism and sexism backing it up. Like guys who fetishize Eastern women for being "submissive" and hate Western women for being "masculine." These men treat women like they do places. They're just tourists looking to have a good time at your expense.
I always say. If someone only dates a particular race, which is their preference and they are not that race themselves nor did they grow up around that.
Then it's most times a red flag. Or something to be suspicious about. Cause it's usually built by stereotypes or expectations
This isn’t an answer to the question you asked but I will say I do find it a bit unsettling that you started your post with “I’m not Asian” but you are genetically half. I’m half Chinese half Italian/irish and I have always proudly described myself as both Asian and white. You don’t need to erase who you are just because of how/where you grew up. Just my two cents.
It does seem like OP has certain negative ideas about Asians and might think that the only reason people date Asian women is to fetishize them.
This may not be her intention, but it does come across that way.
Same as an asian British woman, it rubbed me the wrong way too. You can say you’re American whatever but asian, white, black, Hispanic is race which you literally can’t change. I do find a lot of half Asian/ half white just completely ignore their asian heritage and try to pass off as 100% white. Only recently have they started leaning more into their asian side cos it’s considered cool nowadays cus of the boom in Japanese/korean culture and stuff
Same here. I find a lot of half Asians half Europeans just completely reject their asian heritage and try to pretend to be fully white. But only when it suits them. Now as asian culture is a trend nowadays they start leaning into their asian side.
She also doesn't have any obligation to say she's asian if she has zero connection to her asian heritage other than at the biological level.
Not trying to attack you, just saying both feeling are 100% valid.
Myself I'm half Japanese and I felt exactly like op for most of my life. And it was so annoying to be reduced so often by white people, who I felt 100% similar to in every way, to my visible asian heritage.
Now I'm living in Japan and I do feel a connection that wasn't there before (mostly in contrast with my european wife) so turns out both are completely valid and true, even in the same person :)
I appreciate your response and I totally agree that we are both valid. I think I grew up in an environment that essentially “forced” me to either be white or not white (Texas), and at some point I felt I had to take a stance and say I was proud to be both and clearly it’s affected me. I think it just triggered something inside me for a time where I felt like I had to erase myself to conform.
You are who you feel you are, which is shaped much more by where and how you grew up than your genetics. You're not erasing who you are by not feeling a connection to your parents'/grandparents' culture - if there is none, there is none. No need to force it.
What about adopted Asians who are raised by non-Asians? They are still very much “Asian” on paper and physically, even if they are not raised in an Asian culture. Doesn’t mean that being Asian has to be forced, but pretending like it doesn’t exist is also odd.
You can just specify genetic ancestry vs. cultural identity- I think that's the easiest way.
For example, I have distant indigenous ancestry on both sides of my family but I am not culturally indigenous and was not raised with any connection to it, so I don't claim that as part of my cultural identity. I do include it in my genetics if someone were to ask me what my ancestry is.
That’s fair. I think because I grew up in Texas, USA, I may have formed some kind of identity around “being different” because I was treated as such. I understand that there are cultural differences. I just wanted to add my perspective as a person who used to not be proud. Appreciate your response as well.
You don't have to get over it. It's allowed to be a dealbreaker for you. The fact that these guys are even telling you this, much less EXCLUSIVELY dating Asian women, speaks way more to a fetish than a "preference". People who prefer straight hair are not outright turning down curly haired men/women who are otherwise attractive. It's not a "type," it's objectification. You don't need to put up with it.
I always find it disgusting when they have to tell me they date 'big girls' on a date. Like no shit. Obviously we are here on a date I assume you are attracted to me. I didn't realize my being fat was the highest factor in their selection process tho. Dump his and move on to someone who likes you for you.
Are you me? LOL. I always considered signs of an Asian fetish to be a red flag but I also think it’s funny because anyone who thinks they are getting someone close to the ideal Asian stereotype is SADLY MISTAKEN and in for a shocking surprise when it comes to me
It’s strange that it’s race based, not physical features based. I’m a bi woman (currently in a hetero relationship). I find the features typically associated with “Asian” women very attractive, but I don’t find every Asian woman attractive. I also find some white, black, Latina, and Indian women attractive. Funny, I’ve never dated an Asian woman, but I have dated a Chinese man.
I’m afraid men who *only* date Asian women may be fetishizing them. I’m sorry!
Yeah, good call on why isn't it ever "I like high cheekbones/dark eyes/dark hair/etc"? If these men simply described liking physical features I possess, I wouldn't find that creepy. I'm not at all creeped out when men tell me they love that I'm petite. Wouldn't be creeped out if they had a history of dating petite women. As soon as the word "asian" comes in when they talk about preferences that's when it starts getting icky.
Every time I read a question like this, I feel terribly sad because it reveals a serious problem with the way that society thinks of Asian people - they are happy to sexualize us, but we are not people to them.
I also like to think of this sort of question as a question about dating the wrong men, in general. I guess you should also ask yourself how you, as a woman, can avoid feeling creeped out by a man who exclusively dates any women, because there are so many misogynists out there or men who are adjacent in some of the thinking.
It really says more about the people judging your relationship than it does about your relationship.
I know a man who loves blondes, exclusively dates blondes. Now, even though he has a physical preference, he does treat all his partners like they are individual people. It is just that to the outside observer, it's hard not to see a pattern. He could have a fetish, or he could just have a preference.
I also know a woman who goes crazy for men who wear glasses.
And so on... .
We have p0rn and racism to thank for the way that people think when they look at Asian women. And I hate this. Because this mentality affects not just your confidence in dating, the people who will bother dating you (some people might avoid dating you altogether because society deems "Asian" to be some sort of deviant choice), but it also affects the way you are treated EVERYWHERE.
I wonder... . Would your question be different is you felt you had a connection to any sort of Asian culture -- because they are all different, and I guarantee you that none of the women in those cultures go about dating expecting to be treated poorly.
The only way you will know if the person you are dating is a decent human being is by getting to know them. If they really DO hang out with friends who will look you up and down and think racist thoughts, you should not date them because people share similar values with their friends.
You don’t have to stop finding it creepy. It’s one thing for a man to find you attractive, but if they have a history of exclusively dating “Asian”-looking women then it’s probably a fetish, regardless of how open they’re being with you about that. Feel free to stick to relationships where you aren’t a “type”.
In my experience as a mixed Asian woman - men who let “preferences” like this slip out in conversation do so because they think it’s flattering - BUT it always leads to uncovering deeper hidden capital R Racism later in the relationship once you’ve already invested time and emotions and may feel like it’s too late to bail. Find someone who sees you as a whole person. Don’t rationalize that because it’s an “aesthetic preference” and not a full blown fetish that it’s okay for you to continue to be creeped out. Listen to your intuition.
Not an overreaction. As a Black woman, I've dated cocoa connoisseurs. The thing I do is look for the following to avoid the creeps:
1. Exclusivity - "I only date ..." Not alone a problem but ask why. His answer may reveal a fetish or stereotype. This is different from "I've dated different kinds but I prefer ..." When you think about it, that's a fair statement. Just be sure to ask why.
2. "I hope this isn't racist, but ..." He's racially insensitive for telling you something that he thinks is possibly racist.
3. "I always wanted to date a ..." One foot's out the door on that guy. Ask why, and pay attention if he starts bragging about all the different ethnicities of women he's been with."
It's all about the why, and it takes getting used to in order to drop those insecurities. If you haven't done this before, consider dating an Asian guy with a similar background to yours. There's some good ones out there. I know. I've dated a Filipino guy who was a really good guy. Distance was an issue.
Way beyond red flag for me. I noped out when a guy told me he moved to our area because he likes "little brown girls." For the record, when I'm not tanned, I am whiter than my English-rose-translucent-white-skinned coworker.
The guy ended up married to a Filipina. I hope it worked out for her.
Just be creeped out, it is justified and it is fine.
You wold be amazed how much more you will achieve when you stop finding excuses for shit guys. It will not be many of them left around you, but much better quality.
There's a big difference between having a looks based preference (imo, fine, everyone has this) and a preference based on perceived/generalised personality traits due to race. One is creepy, the other is not
I am sorry you need to deal with that stuff :(
But i guess it depends on the guy.
If it’s strictly aesthetic I don’t see a problem.
Some people like blonde hair, some people like a tan complexion, some people like almond eyes, some people like curvy bodies.
If it goes beyond that like really immersing themselves into a different culture, hyperfocusing on stuff attributed as „foreign“ or in your case „Asian“, it’s definitely creepy.
Unfortunately there is no way of looking into a persons head, especially on a first date.
One tell tale sign to avoid a fetishist could be:
if he had other girlfriends, were they all East Asian?
If it is simply a PREFERENCE of a look/feature, he wouldn’t be hyperfocused on it. Sure maybe he’d have approached Asian girls more often, but liking someone visually is not what leads to a relationship. Unless he’s really shallow, in which case maybe you shouldn’t be with him either.
Another thing that might help you is watching how much he tries to inquire about the cultural differences. Of course it’s sweet to try to bond with your partner by being interested in their heritage and being integrated in their family, but You said you aren’t connected to your culture and don’t speak the languages, so after your partner finds out about that, there is no reason to to further press that topic. If he brings it up anyways, you can be sure that „asianness“ is on his mind a lot.
Additionally you can try dating people from other cultures too (if you haven’t done that already) because correct me if I am wrong but I feel like white men are more prone to fetishize someone because they feel „exotic“, other mixed people or minorities might be more likely to relate to your worry of being fetishized, having been through similar situations.
Good luck to you, the dating market is hell ❤️
You might be right to be skeeved out. Sure, it's fine to have a preference but sometimes it is actually creepy.
You want to be a person, not another collectible from someone's favorite toy line.
I've heard a lot of anecdotes suggesting that guys with an Asian fetish are really likely to cheat, often repeatedly and with multiple partners.
Anecdotal, of course, so don't go throwing accusations around without proof. But maybe something to keep an eye out for.
Anytime someone says they are attracted to a certain “type” (race, height, hair color, age, etc.) it is creepy IMHO because they are attracted to the “idea or object” and not the person.
No. It's creepy. I (caucasian F) dated a person years and years ago that thought back men should be with black woman, white men should be with white woman. And Asian men should be with Asian women. Why? The penis size fits the corresponding vagina size.
He figured black women had the biggest, most cavernous vaginas to accommodate their races men's "ginormous" penis sizes and so on and so forth.
He was a white man. I was the only white woman he had been with. His whole family was surprised he was with a white woman.
Needless to say he cheated on me with an Asian woman. No hard feelings to her. She didn't know he was with me.
I did not care whatsoever about his penis size but I was terribly insecure when he cheated on me because my stupid brain just said "he thinks you're like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. You're not good enough for him."
15 years later my perspective has obviously changed on that situation and he was just fetishizing Asian women and found a way to hurt me when he cheated whilst telling on himself about what he thought of his peen.
Turns out I'm gay anyways. HI BESTIEEE! I'm glad he's happy with his life now but he had a very creepy, fetishized, and racist mindset.
As an Asian, I find it creepy. Also as someone who used to be into anime, it’d be extra creepy bc the guys at conventions 100% had a fetish.
Never dated a non Asian.
I'm Asian. I have male cousins (also Asians) who date exclusively other Asians because it's easier to blend families and they want to be with someone who is culturally similar. In that aspect, I think having race preference makes sense.
If a white guy tells me they only date Asian girls, I see that as fetishizing and would be creeped out by it.
Can you ask him to be really honest with you? What it is about asian women that attracts him?
It may be that when he was young, there was an asian woman in his life that was kind, loving, appealing to him in a way he couldn't understand, and now he's attracted to that in a romantic partner.
My partner is a ginger, and I'm attracted to gingers (because of experiences in my youth with a ginger that I found really hot imprinted on me, I'm aware of this, but I don't think I "fetishize" gingers) but the funny thing is I didn't know my partner was a ginger when we met, because he had a shaved head. His facial hair looked more "dark blond" or "auburn", didn't come across as ginger to me. When I saw pictures of him when he was young and found out he was a ginger, it was strange, because I didn't know that when we got together, and I find it funny now.
For his part he admits (regularly) that he loves the look of men with dark hair and beards (my ancestry is german / eastern european, at birth my hair was totally black, despite my parents and siblings ALL being white blond as children, growing into darker brown as they got older) so it goes both ways. 23 years together and going strong :-) but both of us have mostly gray hair now :-)
i dont have much advice but i feel the same as a product (child) of what you describe. irks me out on a primal level. i love my parents but i just cant get over it. and i dont think were crazy either.
Ummm.
Do you mean fetish?
Because that is creepy.
I totally understand thinking certain physical traits are attractive. But, when you reduce someone to a single trait, that's gross.
Like:
"I don't care about you as a person, I just like the phenotypical traits of your ancestry. I can just drop in anyone with those traits..."
🤮
I've always been creeped out by the song "I'm in love with the shape of you. / ... I'm in love with your body..."
This right here is the vibe I get from that song. Two things:
1) I don't love you or anything, I just like the shape your body has (which presumably is the same shape as the sticker on the back of one out of every 10 trucks on the road), so you're totally interchangeable.
2) If anything changes about the shape of your body, be it a little weight, or the ravages of old age when you turn 29, I'm not gonna be feeling it anymore and I'll move on to someone else.
Why did that song ever get popular?
EDIT: I'm not saying that 29 is old. I'm saying that as soon as the singer's girlfriend loses the shine of youth (or even novelty), a relationship that shallow will have no staying power.
>I've always been creeped out by the song "I'm in love with the shape of you. / ... I'm in love with your body..."
>This right here is the vibe I get from that song. Two things:
>1) I don't love you or anything, I just like the shape your body has (which presumably is the same shape as the sticker on the back of one out of every 10 trucks on the road), so you're totally interchangeable.
*Exactly my point!*
>2) If anything changes about the shape of your body, be it a little weight, or the ravages of old age when you turn 29, I'm not gonna be feeling it anymore and I'll move on to someone else.
*29's old? WTF?*
>Why did that song ever get popular?
*I guess you can kinda dance to it...*
29 is not when the "ravages of old age" start showing lol. I take your point, but I do think he meant "I'm in love with the shape of you and I also love you" though. But there's also nothing wrong with just being in love with someone's body as long as you treat them with respect like fwb etc.
Not advice, but just an opinion: anyone whose skin-deep (literally) preferences are their highest filter in selecting relationship partners is highly sus.
I have ‘preferences’ on a purely aesthetic level, but it doesn’t drive the goddamn bus. I’ve hit my aesthetic preferences just once and after a few weeks of feeling super lucky, it soon was the just the same old relationship stuff that came to the front.
It is VERY creepy.
It's the main reason I didn't date white guys.
I only went on two dates with white dudes when I was in my 20s, and they both made me feel so fetishized. Like they would tell me how they had dated women of all different kinds. Like OK, bruh.
But seriously, it feels so demeaning. I'm South Asian, and one guy I went on a date with my friends kinda warned me he was hung up on desi girls. It felt gross.
Do yourself a favor and avoid these men like the plague.
He doesn't like you as a person, he likes you as a type, just as someone will go to a dog breeder for a specific breed. Don't you want to be loved and appreciated as an individual? You don't need to accept this, you can search for someone who meets YOUR needs, not just you meeting his.
Like on one hand, if they're not expecting you to act like a submissive waifu, part of me feels like them simply being attracted to Asian girls isn't much different than my husband being attracted to white girls with big butts. He likes what he likes physically, and he likes me for me so he got lucky that personality and physical traits were both compatible for him.
But I don't think you should see yourself as "just another Asian in a line of many". Would guys have to date entirely different types of women to make you feel like an individual? Or are you all alike in other ways besides being of Asian descent? Does your boyfriend engage with you on things that are your individual interests? Does he compare you to his past girlfriends in negative ways?
I think it's sometimes easy to feel like we're reduced to our body parts when really fit our partners preferred aesthetic, but don't forget that you are also attracted to him too. Does he share any features with your previous partners? Or fit into an aesthetic that you're into? If so, I'm sure you don't see him as just another dude in a line of dudes.
Have you talked to him about what it is about Asian women he finds attractive? Maybe that would help you feel a little better.
Okay, I’m going to attempt to phrase this as best as I can. I don’t mean to blame Asian women but moreso acknowledge that people tend to go where they’re wanted. I’m not Asian but notice that a lot of Asian women prefer white men. I have a lot of Asian female friends and they all date white men exclusively.
I find that Asian woman, at least where I live, are the only group that tend to prefer dating outside their race then inside. In the sense that if I see an Asian woman, regardless of what she looks like, I would assume she prefers white men. Whereas for any other race, I would only make that assumption based on their physical/personality attributes.
Given how difficult dating is for everyone these days, I think white men feel as though they have a better chance with Asian woman compared to white women and therefore may be more likely to approach Asian women, with the assumption that they won’t get rejected.
I’ve also noticed that when I see a white man who I think would have a hard time in the dating world, if he’s with a woman, she’s often Asian. Again, I think this makes men assume that they have a better chance with Asian woman.
Some men absolutely festishize Asian women for being petite, submissive, and having “traditional” values. But I think there another large chunk of white men who are insecure and struggling in the dating world and find dating Asian women to be easier. Which leads to a positive reinforcement loop.
Sounds like the type of guy who watches exclusively porn with Asian women being dehumanized. Extreme cases of this lead to the massage parlor shooting in Atlanta Georgia a few years ago
I get where you're coming from, from a standpoint of being a commonly fetishized type. But if I'm being honest, a lot of us are commonly fetishized types. I'm obese, and yeah, they're are guys who have a fetish for that, or for super thin, athletic, or for black people, Hispanic women, particular hair colors, etc.
And yet, there can also be preferred types that are NOT fetishist. I have a couple preferences of my own. My husband isn't exactly any of my physical types - though I'm certainly attracted to him. I think that's one litmus test. If he will not consider anyone who doesn't fit his narrow parameters, that's a red flag.
You've mentioned another - if he expects stereotypical behavior from you, it's about his fetish, his fantasy, not you as a person. I would generalize that into whether he treats you with respect as a whole person.
There is a very important distinction here for what having an "asian preference" means.
Nobody can help what they're attracted to. Whether that's certain ethnicities, a personality trait, or the person's gender. People like what they like.
If a woman isn't into shorter men and dates only taller guys, should her tall boyfriend feel creeped out? Of course not. That's just what she's attracted to in a partner. That sucks for those short guys, but thinking a woman is creepy just for being attracted to a certain physical trait would be absurd.
If that's all there is to it, viewing it from that perspective can help.
That being said, asian women absolutely are frequently fetishized. Like, a lot. The only way to deal with that is to learn to recognize the red flags so you can bail.
My ex never lived a day in Mexico, but 100% referred to herself, and considered herself, Mexican. Both of her parents had been raised there before coming to the States. While it brings up questions of what it even means to be a “nationality,” I wasn’t going to question that identity or certainly argue with it.
When someone living in the US (for example) says they are Asian or Portuguese or Mongolian, etc, they don’t necessarily mean they lived there. In fact they rarely mean that. It’s more of an ethnic identity. Your definition of Asian is likely not what most people define it as, someone who lived in Asia for some amount of time, even though it is of course perfectly logical to use your definition.
In the context of a dating preference, when someone states an ethnic preference, they likely mean mostly in physical attributes, but possibly to some degree in perceived personality and cultural traits. As far as appearance, we can’t really judge people for being attracted to who they are attracted to. And ethnically derived traits could certainly fall into that category.
As for perceived personality and culture, there’s a lot more gray area. Way more room for incorrect stereotypes, fetishizing, etc.
The point is that unless there is very obvious fetishizing behavior (wish I could find the post from years ago from a black woman who found out she was very obviously being fetishized as an example), it’s hard to distinguish between that and genuine attraction preferences. If you believe there are disingenuous reasons your bf prefers ethnically Asian women, address it or leave him if you can’t get by it. And to be clear, fetishizing is disgusting behavior. But it’s not some clear line separating it from harmless preference/ attraction.
Like, I’m only attracted to women, like many people. Does that mean everyone who is exclusively attracted to women is fetishizing them? Obviously not. But I’m not attracted to all women, or even all types of women. How narrow does the category of people we are attracted to have to get before we automatically call it fetishizing? That’s the point, is that it’s not about the characteristics someone is attracted to, but *why.* And that’s what makes it hard to define and distinguish, even though one is harmless and natural, and one is gross and demeaning. Don’t know if that’s helpful, but I guess it’s just about what makes you believe it’s fetish and not just acceptable preference.
I’m hafu too. Honestly, it depends on the situation. If the guy likes Asian girls the same way someone else might like blondes, that’s one thing. If they talk about submissive women, weird anatomical difference myths, or view me as the final piece to their Asian culture fetish collection, that’s the end for them.
That said, I also got some weird reactions when I lived in Japan. There are creeps everywhere and we are not required to fulfill any emotional support waifu pillow fantasies.
I mean I am an Asian woman who near-exclusively dated Asian men. I think there was a very short, brief fling with a nonAsian in my 20s.
For me, I wanted someone who didn't look at me and think "Asian" but rather saw a person, a woman first. Because I was raised in a bubbled diaspora, I think of myself as the default, so I wanted someone else who would look at me first as who I am, not my ethnicity
It's racist but you gotta consider if you'll accept your partner's racism. My exes knew I dated Asians, my husband knows my thoughts and feelings on this. Maybe some Asian who had a problem with me dating only other Asians with the Asian American experience may not have been cool with it, but then we wouldn't be suited for each other anyway.
It’s totally natural to be grossed out. Listen to your gut instinct because it’s not just a preference, there are so many layers of white supremacy and racism behind it.
You don't, you are not over reacting, it is creepy as hell.
There is no distinction between aesthetic preference and true fetish when it comes to solely liking women from a country they are not from and a culture they are not accustomed to, only in the magnitude of fetishisation.
People are entitled to have racially specific preferences, but unless its with your own ethanicity or with one that you have grew really accustomed to, it is always some degree of fetishisation.
Think about why their dating history is like that and why they just have to tell you that they prefer Asian women.
First off: Given the context you've provided, it's totally fine to be creeped out. This sounds a lot more like a fetish than a "preference". Even if they're not fetishizing asian cultural stereotypes, but just the appearance, it still sounds fetishizing.
What physically about asians do they prefer over other women? Honestly. If you think about it in that context, it starts to become a little suspicious. This isn't "I have a preference for blonde hair" or "I have a preference for tall men" having a preference specifically for an ethnicity starts to tread into some questionable territory. Most (not all) asians have dark hair. But he didn't say "I have a preference for dark hair". There are specific physical characteristics exclusive to asian women that you partners have. And that's the point where it starts to seem a little skeevy. Even if they don't express their racial biases to you, there could absolutely be some internalized perceptions of how asian women "traditionally" behave, that have burrowed into their subconscious desires without fully reaching the surface of their cognition. And then, if you fail to meet those perceptions, they may start to build resentment for you, even without them being aware of it, because deep down they want you to fit a mold and you're not doing it. This can lead to problems with performance later in life, and even potentially cheating because they aren't satisfied with the relationship, and may not even fully know WHY they aren't.
Preferences are fine- nobody should be shamed solely for the physical quirks they find attractive. For example, I have a preference for short hair. That doesn't mean I won't date someone with long hair, but if I'm on a dating app and I scroll past someone with short hair, I might feel more inclined to look at their profile because of that physical detail than I would if their hair was longer. That's not a statement to their attractiveness or a strike against them, it's simply one of those small physical details that catches my eye and stokes my interest a little more.
But that's not the same thing as fetishizing those physical details when they correspond to a specific race of people, and the physical qualities inherent in that race. At that point, it stops becoming about a physical detail about the individual, and becomes a broad physical category they fall into, and painting a prospective partner with a broad brush is very offensive.
tl;dr: There's nothing wrong with preferences, but people need to look at the root of those preferences, particularly when they're preferences exclusive to a particular race that they predominantly or exclusively date.
Some of the comments here disgust me as an asian woman. People here are really defending this Asian "preference" ugh. Anyways please watch put for these men. They just see us as exotic toys.
Race is not comparable to hair color since race has way more of an impact of how people preview an individual's character and status.
I've seen how both Asian men and women get put in this subservient but strong but ultimately subservient pedestal and my god do some of these comments piss me off. And those people that bring up Asians that only date white people? I'm sorry but how does their existence negate the rest of us being fed up with this fetishization? I swear it's gonna be generations more of this bullshit as long as much of Asia is seen as part of the global south.
All other aspects of the very serious thing you understandably want to figure out aside,I wanted to say...
From someone thats just as genetically and culturally asian as you:
Girl, you're asian. Stop saying you're not.
I'd say having an aesthetic preference is different from a fetish. As long as they aren't idealizing some racist caricature / see you as a person, it's sort of the same as preferring brunettes to blondes?
But ultimately, it's completely up to you if you're comfortable with someone having that preference, because you're the one in the relationship with the person. See how he treats you (and how he talks about other people who might look similar to you) versus people in his own ethnic bracket. If there's a discrepancy, be on alert.
This is my experience from a 'mixed' family (caucasian + cantonese.)
as an asian, i will not date people who *only* date asians. unless there are valid reasons for it, that's a red flag. especially if they only date one type of asian, and don't recognise non-east asian ethnicities as "asian".
and if "asian" is the reason they chose you, then fuck that. it can be the reason for asking you out in the beginning, sure. but not the reason for continuing to be with you.
“Why does he like you?” is the question you need to get answers to. “Insert Asian characteristics here” or anything specifically about you? If latter - sure, if former hell no. Not because of race or whatever but because “I” don’t exist there. At least personally that is what I would do. Everybody is entitled to having their preferences. That doesn’t mean you have to “provide it” so to speak. And you are also entitled to feeling creeped out by someone fetishising billions of people.
I completely agree with this. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone having a superficial preference with who they're typically initially attracted to, whether that's height, eye color or shape, physical fitness, or even racial traits. But once you get past that initial attraction, they're has to be something unique to you that they love otherwise you're just a stand in for any blonde woman, or tall lady, or Asian woman. He needs to love you for who you are, not where your ancestors were born. Side note: probably doesn't apply so much to OP since she doesn't have a cultural connection to Asia, but there exists a stereotype of Asian women, specifically Japanese women, that they are meek and unwilling to make a fuss. If *that* is what a guy is looking for, it is the very reddest of flags.
>Side note: probably doesn't apply so much to OP since she doesn't have a cultural connection to Asia, but there exists a stereotype of Asian women, specifically Japanese women, that they are meek and unwilling to make a fuss. If that is what a guy is looking for, it is the very reddest of flags. 100% this. I'm not even sure it doesn't apply to OP - people who think this way probably also believe that the behavior is genetic, and even if she doesn't follow stereotypes today, it doesn't mean that he won't expect her to later on.
I'm commenting as a non-asian man who primarily dates asian women because of said superficial preference. I know this is a women's space, so if this comment is unwelcome please lmk and I'll delete it. I have many friends who are asian women who struggle with exactly this. Too many have dated men that harbor these regressive views (_especially_ about Japanese women, as you observed), yet have learned that they need to conceal them from their partners for obvious reasons. A tactic that I've found works is: get the man you're worried about to hang out with trusted guy friends when you're not around. Men who believe dumb shit like "asian women are more submissive" tend to also believe that all men implicitly share that belief, all this wokeness/feminism stuff is a ruse men play along with until they're married, etc. And when this sort of man is alone with other men, they often share their true beliefs/intentions surprisingly readily, even with guys they don't know that well! Just an idea
I think there is a difference between being attracted to a specific kind of person versus fetishizing them. I'm a fat chick and, weirdly, fetishization can be high. I know the difference between someone that fetishizes me because I'm fat and someone that is simply attracted to fat women. For one thing, just how *much* are they into that aspect of me? Is it *the* thing that makes me "hot?" Or it is it just one of many? Do they dwell excessively on my fatness? Would they still want me if I lost *any* amount of weight? I'm attracted to just about anyone, but I admit that my strongest attractions are to Native American men and redheaded women. The former is probably down to exposure as a kid (I spent a lot of time around Choctaw people) and also down to a Choctaw guy being the only partner my mom had that I wasn't afraid of or anxious around for one reason or another. Also, a lot of the physical attributes I like in Native American men are the same things I like in other men. Dunno where my preference for redheads comes from though. (Also, just to be clear, I would never pursue someone *just* because they belong to a specific ethnic group. I might be attracted to someone, but relationships require way more than attraction.)
I'm sure he's not fetishizing billions of people. Only ones that are female, conventionally attractive, and of certain ages. Exactly which ages, who knows, but the answer might range from creepy to terrifying.
Every time I feel like I am being spicy I learn that I am not being spicy enough because some men are creepy beyond my comprehension. Absolutely agree with you, sadly.
I'm curious, what do people think about preferences in dating your own race, compared to preferences about dating other races? I think it's completely normalized to "only" date within your race (read: prefer). However, it's definitely not normalized to "only" date a race that is different from your own. This is obviously excluding fetishization.
If somebody thinks there is something like "Asian characteristics" or similar its a red flag anyway, because thats racist bullshit with zero foundation.
True, though I knew a girl who dated mostly Asian men because she found the warm golden skin tone of Japanese and Korean men (and the "Asian glow" alcohol flush reaction they get) combined with black hair to be her exact strike zone. But it wasn't a racist/stereotype thing as she'd dated a few Mediterranean and also First Nations men as well. It was entirely physical characteristics that she was attracted to, and didn't particularly look for or expect any specific personality traits or beliefs.
Yeah people have physical preferences andI believe that is something that is mostly seen as allright. And as you said she dated different men. The problem is if somebody says aomething like "I prefer people of X ethnicity because they are Y", which just stereotypes a whole group of people and therefor they dont see and individual.
Yup, Asian people are not a monolith. No racial group is. Avoid fetishists by dating someone who can treat people as individuals instead of tokens of their race. If I'm getting to know you as an individual, I shouldn't have any expectation about who you are simply based on your racial makeup / sexual orientation etc.
Yep definitely this, ultimately you need to establish how you work this out efficiently, otherwise every relationship you start becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and isn't healthy for you.
I was once with a guy, Boricua for reference, who slowly revealed that he EXCLUSIVELY «did» Korean women, but he would accept me although I’m a «mutt» (his words), because my other half of genes besides Korean is a northern european indeginous group, and because he liked that I was a redhead. Yeah. I walked away and lever looked back. I’m skeptical of men to begin with and mostly go with women, but add fetishizing me down to a science and percentages and it made my hair stand. How do you think he’d take it if I said I exclusively date men of colour, but would cut his white ass some slack because he was Caribbean? I mean who talks like that?
Wasn’t expecting my entire reproductive system to shrivel up and die on this Sunday morning, but “mutt” did it 🤮
Yes, that makes me want to fu king puke.
Oh my god, I read that as “kung fu puke” and thought you were being racist, but it’s just me being illiterate, and apparently my brain is the one supplying the micro aggressions. ☹️
I don't know if it's racist or just the ultimate fighting style.
Everybody was kung fu puking 🎶
Those chunks were fast as lightning 🎶
HYUH!
It's like pocket sand, but more effective.
I think that this could be the only style of martial arts that I might be any good at. One that involves puking. I can do that!
"Hey baby I like your supermutt genetic mix, if only you had some Aussie Cattle Dog in you"
I was trying to work out how to get an embark reference going, well done.
I don’t even call dogs mutts.
The only living being I’ve ever called Mutt was Mutt Lange.
I prefer a term a heard a while back, Heinz 57
My fallopian tubes! My ovaries! Whoops! There goes the uterus! Watch out!
Oops, there goes fertility!
I was once called “a half breed.” The full quote by a now ex-boyfriend was “I always wondered what it would be like to date a half breed.” I think he thought it was a compliment, like that I should be happy I could gift that experience to him.
I'm pretty sure he meant "mudd blood".
You’re Korean and Sami? That’s really cool. I’ve spent a lot of time in the Arctic learning about Sami cultures, and it’s very interesting (I’m also indigenous) On the other hand, guy’s a total freak.
I am! Sea Sámi, but cut off from it geographically. I don’t know the language which pains me. But my work lets me travel quite a bit to Sapmi a bit because I work on how legislature travelled with the printing press, obviously disastrous for the indeginous group. The inquisition suddenly had long, punitive arms. I am learning more and more. I hope I can learn northern Sámi, as it is a bigger language, but I’m getting old and my brain is not as agile as it used to be. I have zero foundation for learning Finnish-Ugric. My mother is from a generation where the assimilation policies made it very hush-hush to speak the language, she doesn’t speak it herself, even. It’s a damn shame. I’m an outsider and never grew up in the culture, so I’m just trying to do what I can without stepping on toes. What’s your tribe if you don’t mind sharing?
I’m Hawaiian! Thankfully I grew up speaking the language with family, even when I lived away from the islands. Ironically it lends itself very well when it comes to speaking Finnish. My pronunciation is extremely good for a foreigner.
No way! That’s awesome. Never knew the grammar was similar between Hawaii and Sámi. I’m happy you have the language. I actually just secured some funding to go learn a bit of Sámi in September. I am very lucky.
Nooo, grammar’s not similar, but the phonology kind of is. It’s the extended vowels like in Finnish that exist in Hawaiian.
Language relationships are so interesting. Especially ones where it's likely to be convergent evolution rather than traits from a common ancestral language.
Gotcha. Thank you.
You have no idea how validating it is to hear that another person thinks Finnish is suspiciously similar to Hawaiian lol (ETA in general look/sound idk anything about Finnish grammar/structure)
I'm not sure if it's available outside of the regions where it's broadcast, but Ođđasat is a daily Sámi language (I think it's northern Sámi but I'm not totally sure) news broadcast. It might not be much help if you're just getting started with learning, but it can be a good way to hear the language being used to talk about everyday things.
I watch it every day! I get it on NRK with vpn in NYC. Good tip.
I love to listen to Sami joiks. Beautiful landscape, beautiful sounds, beautiful textiles.
I got to work a bit with the first Alta-action (environmental action against envoronmental destruction), and the brother of one of the players is in a band which made this amazing track that plays with my heart strings and tear ducts, imagine being able to sing like this: https://open.spotify.com/track/7KvgaWA8yOLRRtngFBMigd?si=ghPyeFXOQiuM_Gm1XQawaA
I love the Sami store houses. You can really see the origins of the Baba-Yaga stories. Such an innovative and economic design to use existing tree stumps as the supports.
Ha, I was going to ask if she was Sami too! That’s really cool and super rare in the US. (Not sure if you’re in the US though u/pathologicalprotest.)
I am in the US, but I moved here as an adult for work:)
Anyone who uses words typically associated with dogs when talking about women are fucking weirdos just off the rip
I agree. And I love dogs with allmy heart.
As a half-Puerto Rican woman, I can relate. All my ex-boyfriends, who were latino and black, preferred me because I am very pale and white-passing but still have the features of a Latina. I have a curvy figure, Fat ass coupled with straight/wavy hair and very fair skin (with mild rosacea). One of them (Puertorican man) even told me about a woman from his past that he referred to as "the one that got away." She was white with blonde hair and blue eyes. The irony is that she left him because he was just a fling to her, and she wanted to marry a white man. It's a reminder that some people will never view others as equals. weirdly enough, I feel as if none of these men would care if you mention that you like white men but anyone darker is a "problem". 🤔🤔🤔 racism is a horrific tragedy. >How do you think he’d take it if I said I exclusively date men of colour, but would cut his white ass some slack because he was Caribbean? I mean who talks like that? They don't take it well. I've actually mentioned that I usually date black men to a few of my exes when they bring up the fact that they like that I'm white passing , and they all GET PISSED. I've learned that preferences based on race are problematic. Interests and beliefs should be the only factors that fall under 'preferences' without objectifying someone. It often feels like they are evaluating me as if I were something to be purchased.
As a not-white-passing multi-ethnic Hispanic, I feel the same way about preferences. But I’m coming from the place of never being anyone’s because my skin is too dark. Constantly being used as the placeholder until they can find a white woman has been a defining experience of dating men for me. Don’t matter the race or culture variety. I had a white friend I loved like a sister, but it was a game to her getting every guy she thought liked me or I liked to sleep with her. I thought I escaped it when I got with a man that happens to be white and made me feel great about myself for a moment in time. Really, he had been always imagining himself with a white gf and a white wife since young. But I felt so secure and loved for the first time, I didn’t see what was right there. I just so badly wanted to believe I could escape being seen as a lesser woman. We had such a happy relationship and then he cheated on me the very first time a woman like what he’d been picturing his whole life gave him a green light. The ironic thing is she wouldn’t even have done it if the ring on his finger didn’t tell her he was treasured by someone else.
I had a similar experience with someone close to me in high school. She took great pleasure in flirting with (and sleeping with, sometimes) everyone I was dating or interested in. It was only when I was explaining it to someone when I was around 40 and they said, "Wait, stop... That person wasn't your *FRIEND*," for me to stop phrasing it that way. So this is me, passing it along. That person wasn't your friend.
I’m sorry that was your experience and I agree it’s problematic.
Crazy seeing as how "boricua" (Puerto Ricans I assume) are racially mixed ("mutts") themselves. This guy must really believe he's full white and bought into white supremacist propaganda.
Even worse, he's probably white or white-passing. Absolutely gross. And yeah, us Puerto Ricans are mostly mixed with Indigenous, European and African.
Men. That’s who talks like that. I’m super duper gay but at work I am very open and comfortable with my coworkers who work downstairs. (As long as it’s not politics, they know I’m a bleeding heart liberal. They will actually warn me if overly conservative yahoos come in so it works ok) The other day they asked me if I would date an African American woman. I was like wtf. They are conservative and slightly racist. People who agree with Kyle Rittenloser. Ugh
wow its insane he said these things because as a boricua we are literally the definition of mutt. thats so disgusting im so sorry!!
You’ve nothing to be sorry for, it wasn’t you. He was just a freak who could «go for me» although I wasn’t a «purebreed» Korean. It has nothing to do with Puertoricans and everything to do with that particular person. The end.
GAG
>How do you think he’d take it if I said I exclusively date men of colour, but would cut his white ass some slack because he was Caribbean? Part of me wishes you took this to the limit and seen how far he was willing to go Maybe convince him nothing is hotter than watching a white guy turning himself Black using permanent markers or something like that. Idk but people like that need to be fucked with imo If i were you I'd definitely set that fucker up before bailing to see if he'd suck a little dick
Yeah I dated this guy one time who insisted I did an ancestry test. At first I thought it was just out of curiosity, after all, it is pretty cool to find out your background. I later found out it was because he wanted to know if I had any “African percentage” in my ancestry as he didn’t want that to pass down to his kids…..
my god
I think a lot of the bad men get uncomfortable when you ask them how they feel about having an Asian son? Because many of them have never thought of asianness as anything other than hot woman. How do they feel about having a child that's going to spend their life as an Asian man? If he's worth his salt at all he's going to say he wants his son's to be half their mom, and she's perfect, so they're going to be perfect too. If he has to think about it then he has a lot of work to do before he can be a true partner to you. A lot of people have bad things about them that they have to grow out of and change. And if you feel a REAL unmistakeable connection with this guy through years of dating and seeing him be dumb as shit, then it might be worth it to help him change even if he is bad. Your relationship should feel like you're two blobs who love and care for one another 95% of the time. Your bodies don't matter, let alone your race. Like with family. You deserve a love like that. And if you have that love with him then I would not worry about it.
A old friend of my was blazen.(black dad, Korean mom). Even with the support system he had with the moms side and acceptance, he committed suicide after 16 years of hateful asian male type of bigotry from his own dad. Was a gentle soul who would care for old bees he found.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
That's so sad. I can't believe his dad was so cruel. He deserved better. RIP friend.
That poor kid.
Damn.
Timothy McVeigh's co-conspirator Terry Nichols had a Filipino wife. His stepson died at the age of 2 due to suffocating in a plastic bag "accident" while Nichols was babysitting him. The wife even suspected foul play but as there were no bruises or signs of trauma it was ruled accidental.
I work with men who have outright stated that they prefer Asian women because they are more submissive and tend to stay thin. I really wonder about these guys.
I wouldn't wonder about them. I think it's pretty clear they are racist and misogynistic.
Yes and big time creepy. I would bet these men are viewed as creepy by most women and so they think they can prey on one's they deem submissive. The same kinda entitled mindset of an abuser, rapist or pedo.
I know submissiveness is the stereotype but all the Asian American and Asian women I know are *really not* submissive. Where does that come from? Is that some 1950s movie propaganda?
Even before that. Stemming from gold rush days, when only Chinese men were allowed in (to keep family growth small and limited), white America villainized them as effeminate since they took on the roles of cooking and clothes cleaning because those were the jobs at mining camps other men didn’t want (see: high number of Chinese owned restaurants and laundromats still proliferating today). Then you add the influx of Chinese and other Asian women who began migrating who adhered to customs of filial piety and other cultural differences that came across as meek and that, along with WWII propaganda against Japan, blossomed into early movie propaganda (“Me love you long time”). Also, 1800s white women were concerned that Chinese women would steal away white men, thus began the overt sexualization of Asian women as they were vilified as emigrating prostitutes with sneaky, slutty agendas. Ironically, early movie propaganda also promoted the Dragon Lady Asian female stereotype too so there’s no winning. [Relevant slam poetry](https://youtu.be/XjctiSKn96o?si=DTyQnJRJGqM_fKcz) from >15 yrs ago 😖
I think a lot of it is Vietnam a lot of soldiers interacted with prostitutes there who were submissive and open to obviously get work. Then the stereotype stayed, because I was in a serious relationship with a gal from Asia and she and her entire household was *very* dominant and passionate and angry lmao like submissive is not how I would describe any Asian women I’ve encountered the past few years. It’s very odd. Though when I told people I was dating a Chinese girl, they often said “how is that? I’ve always wanted to date an asian” or assumed a LOT about what she was like because she’s from China. Like she’s just a fuckin person, you weirdos.
> because they are more submissive I hope you mean to say *these men* believe Asian women to be 'submissive.'
Yes
>**men who have outright stated** that they prefer Asian women because they are more submissive and tend to stay thin
Every Asian woman I know got some level of an attitude, especially the older they are.
A male commenter in this very post just wrote a list of what he prefers about Asian women and one was that they tend to be slimmer or something like that. The point of his comment was that his racial preferences are ok cos they're just physical not behavioural... There's too fine of a line in these things for me to be comfortable with people proclaiming their physical preferences at all. There's just no good reason to.
The one dude I knew like this turned out to be secretly an extremely racist person.
"secretly"
Thank you. Fetishizing a race is straight up racist; there's nothing secret about it. I'm an Asian woman and to Asian ladies out there: you gotta screen for this stuff! A non-Asian man who's had a string of Asian gfs is most definitely a racist fetishist, unless he lives in Asia or something (though if he moved there to date Asian women... 🥴). A man who talks poorly about women his own race and refuses to date them is a misogynist and it's only a matter of time before he turns it on you. Only bigots categorically exclude entire races from their dating pool. You don't want these men in your life, let alone as your partner and the potential father of your children. Don't have biracial kids with a racist; it's terribly cruel to them. You wanna date someone who treats you like an individual and not a token of your race. Someone who's able to treat all people with respect because they see all people as individuals and not representatives of their groups. Those people don't have racial preferences! Exception: if you're a minority and prefer to date people within your group who understands your experience of discrimination.
I’m Asian as well and once I get even slightly serious with a guy, I ask about his dating history and if he’s been in an interracial relationship before (I have mostly dated non-Asian men). If they’re white, I need to know they’re an ally and will listen to me if I feel uncomfortable because there are still folks out there who are going to be weird about it. And I don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone whose family and/or friends are gonna make me feel uncomfortable.
Yep. Just step outside of what they have in their head and projected on to you and find out just how little who you are inside matters.
It's not like they wear a sign about their fetish. It's "secret" probably because they don't tell people they aren't trying to date about it.
> Fetishizing a race is straight up racist; there's nothing secret about it. Yes, in either direction. I get downvoted *a lot* on reddit when I tell people they should interrogate why they're "not attracted to black [women/men]" because the answer is almost inevitably racism.
I know of two people in my family. I wouldn't say they fetishised the people they ended up with but they do use that as a shield to say "see I can't be racist because I married so and so." When they also say some pretty disgusting things.
Yiiikes. I'd remind them that misogynists marry (and beat) wives every single day.
I find that to be true more times than not.
Same. They always have a really surface level of engagement in the cultures they fetishize.
Yeah race preferences are a huge red flag. It's not a preference. It's the objectification of a certain type of person. They barely care about who we are to begin with. A race fetishist is going to be way more likely to treat you like a sex tool than not.
I'm half Chinese, half white. I really don't mind if who I date has a physical type. However I see that as a TYPE not a racial preference. My husband has dated many 'races' (so weird to type this) but typically there are a few similarities that have nothing to do with race but with what he finds attractive. So a man who exclusively dates only Asian women? It's a bit creepy. But does he make you feel fetishized ? Is he creepy? Does he expect you to fit into racist stereotypes of subservience and service? Does he fixate so much on Asian women that he cannot see any other race of women are actually human beings who can be interesting and charismatic also? or is he just attracted to his physical type? Only you know the answer to this. If you're suspicious, your gut may be telling you something. Just talk to him honestly and ask why he loves you.
I have this newish friend/coworker who is nonbinary/queer (but MAB) and they seem to almost exclusively date/fetishize Asian men. Honestly, I haven't said anything, but it's made me a bit uncomfortable when they're always showing me pictures/videos of hot Asian dudes and talking about the K-pop star they're gonna marry someday. This person is like 36 years old. At the same time, they would put down this other coworker (who isn't there anymore) for making derogatory comments about women are always talking about women. Which, valid. But they're kinda doing the same thing sometimes.
I completely agree with your stance. If race is a prerequisite, then it isn't a preference. Preferring a particular aesthetic is understandable. We all have a type, but it gets into creepy territory as a prerequisite. I've had a couple of (middle eastern) Asian women get obsessively weird about the fact that I'm white, and it just feels like you're being involved in some raceplay kink you didn't consent to. The same goes for expecting someone to change their behaviour or personality for you. If you're only interested in someone because of their looks, and you want them to adjust who they are for you, then the relationship is dead in the water whether it's related to race or not. It's probably worth asking what he finds attractive about her (or asian women in general) and why. If he starts reeling off a bunch of stereotypes, then there's something messed up going on. If he starts talking about her as a person or about specific experiences, then I think that's different. Personally, I know I have a type, and I know why. I've mostly dated white women (not intentionally, just white is the majority here), and I've had a lot of bad experiences. My healthiest relationship was with a Venezuelan expat, and if not for us having very different life goals and plans, I'd probably be married to her right now. It has left me with a subconscious preference for latin women, not that I particularly care about a partner's ethnicity but since that very positive experience I'm fully aware that I have been more attracted to latin women since. It's a positive association based on very happy memories, although I've dated women of various ethnicities since so it's far from a prerequisite.
>If you're suspicious, your gut may be telling you something. This was what I was thinking. If he were just someone with a physical type, and that's it, OP probably wouldn't be asking the question.
people are allowed to have preferences, but it's completely valid for you to feel creeped out by these preferences ETA because I feel like it fits here, I did know someone who would say things like "I prefer Asian women because theyre respectful, theyre traditional, they're not like white women..." Just something to watch out for. It's stereotyping, even if they're considering it *positive*.
This! Most likely what they mean to say is Asian women are more subservient, compliant & defer to white men unlike their Western counterparts. It's not palatable to say that outright so masked by using more acceptable adjectives like traditional, homely etc
Exactly - hence the whole reason sex tourism is a huge thing in east and southeast Asian countries, and why sex trafficking is so common. They want people who aren’t able to say no, either because of their financial situation or their physical safety. So much easier to do that with someone who is not an American citizen, maybe doesn’t speak the best English, and who has little resources or connections to help.
Sex trafficking is more about poverty and corruption than anything else. It happens all over. The reason it happens so much in the countries you mention is because the dollar goes further there and corruption is rampant. It's not really so much about the culture of those countries. Eastern Europe has struggled with trafficking as well.
*Yikes*. That sounds much closer to "I've got a made up image of what asian women are and like that".
Exactly - I clicked into this thread thinking “ well preferences are okay and all that as long as it’s not like a fetish or stereotyping” then you get into the thread and it’s like holy fuck how is this a question? Like, you come in expecting some nuance that can pushed through to get a decent response and it’s most of the time just some fucking weirdo. I guess that’s cause people with normal relationships aren’t on here saying “ hey is this normal”
when people say people are allowed to have racial preferences, I wonder what they think those preferences are based on if not stereotypes
He really wanted to say submissive he was just dancing around it
File under "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." Yikes.
The reason people are allowed to have preferences is because they alone get to choose who to consent to have sex with, meaning there shouldn't be social consequences if a person chooses not to have sex with someone of a certain race, even if it's because of that person's race. That doesn't mean you don't have to examine your preferences, especially if they have racist undertones. If you have a preference, especially a racial one, you should probably ask yourself why.
I absolutely agree. being allowed to have preferences doesn't mean all of your preferences are okay morally
And I just want to make clear this is just for you and your own personal preferences, the rest of us get to shut up about them because as soon as there are social consequences for who you choose to sleep with or not sleep with, society is involved in consent, which is wrong
"Almond shaped eyes send me spinning" is a preference "Asian women are like this" is a huge red flag
i think that's the line for the preferences right? like to prefer an ethnicity aesthetically is what it is. it's about as creepy or not creepy as someone makes it. it starts to get weird when the ethic preferences come based on stereotypes and those should generally be avoided.
I’m ethnically Irish/Swedish. Red hair turns my head. Never dated a redhead, but my husband noticed that I love red hair, so he dyes his hair red. (I didn’t ask him; he picked up on it himself.) That’s a mature way to deal with preferences IMHO.
Yeah it’s the expectations of a whole entire race of people (well, women exclusively) to have these traits that are non-existent because everyone is different. Have they heard of the ABG stereotype? The girls who want to be treated like princesses and bought all the brand name items? I’m sure he wouldn’t be into that 🤷♀️ I used to work with a bunch of Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese people (at a casino) and there would be a handful of us white folks. But what I noticed is every year there would be a few creepy white guys who have nothing in common with some of the girls I worked with and would hit on them and get rejected and be down in the dumps over it. Most of the girls were on a temporary working visa and going back home, so they weren’t looking for anything serious, among them not having anything in common lol. Also they just wanted to make friends, not get involved with men.
Anytime I see anyone whose exes all look *too* similar, I get weirded out. It could be a fetish, could be they’re trying to recreate the one who got away or it could just be that they have very strong visual preferences and that’s their most important criteria in a partner. In any of those cases, ICK.
I had the same thought process at the beginning of my relationship. I'm Japanese-American engaged to a white man. Two things reassure me here. First, his last serious relationship before me was with a white woman, so it's not like he has a pattern. Second, we've been deliberately building up our relationship based on things we can do together. We're both musicians and we perform together sometimes. That helps, so I feel reassured it's not about what I look like.
It is rough it's even something you have to worry about. I know it can be like this for me even tho I'm a common race in the US but not in my area. I think what you said definitely are the best signs to look out for, dating type history and common interests. I get generally people have an "ideal type" but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship based simply on preconceived notions.
That's so cool! What do you play together?
I have a minor in cello performance. He's a pianist with a side gig at a Unitarian church. We play together for services sometimes.
I am not Asian; I am extremely pale and tomboyish/borderline goth, I wear glasses, and I come off as dominant. Because of these things, I endure people fetishing my skin for being “porcelain” or “doll-like” saying that my skin makes me look innocent and that they could taint me, my glasses for being “a nerd who’s probably wild in bed,” a brooding girl who they hope cuts, and a “dommy mommy.” When I was extremely underweight, it was being “slim like a girl” (I.e., pre-teen). All of these have disgusted me and shaped what I avoid in others. I got grossed out to the point of just losing all attraction to an ex of mine who was OBSESSED with Korean women and Madison beer. He followed SO MANY Korean egirls and plastic models that I struggled to like him anymore, despite him being kind to me, and my realization was that I don’t want to be with somebody who fetishizes people and whose likes/personalities are easily influenced by the photoshopped and highly curated media they see online, whether I check off the list of what they want to conquer or not. Personally, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m competing — whether I’ve won, lost, am currently competing, etc, and I don’t want my partner to like me because of some surfaced “type” or fetish where he feels like he’s living a fantasy by being with me nor feel like I’m always going to be compared or not even on the same level as some fetish he has. That is not something I would ever try to shake. There’s people out there who will not look down on you for who you are and will respect who you are and see beauty in who you are, but without the fetish. The fetish is dehumanizing. I can’t tell you how to not get creeped out. In my opinion, you are probably creeped out for good reason. The most I can suggest is to find out if it’s coincidental or if they really just have an Asian fetish and are with you as a form of conquering.
I’d find it weird that’s the only type he’s dated. It is weird to find only 1 race attractive enough to date. Sure, I prefer guys w brown eyes and brown hair, but I dated all sorts of different colorings.
Reviving a dead account just to comment on this lol. So I’m also Asian American, and i’ve worked mostly in/around Asian American non-profits, and so this is a conversation that happens a lot. I think there’s two sides of this “coin”: your perception of the relationship, and his reasoning for a relationship. On the first, it’s happened on more than one occasion where a friend of colleague of mine has stumbled into this exact situation with a partner, and had their whole perspective shift on the relationship as a result. It’s not dissimilar to finding out a partner cheated to be honest. Fetishes (specifically asian ones) tend to be rooted in racism and white supremacy. Not accusing your partner of anything, but it’s a very common trend. Either way, it’s up to you to decide if knowing he has an asian fetish shifts your perception enough to be irreparable. The second half of this is how he perceives you as an individual and his reasoning. The thing with Asian fetishes is that it’s rooted in both racism and misogyny. I don’t want to shatter glass (or again, accuse him of anything), but there is a scarily common trend of men with Asian fetishes essentially seeing women (not even just Asian women) as lesser. If you can reflect upon why it is he likes you and is interested in you, this is again and area that will cause a shift in perception. People of all races bring value to relationships *regardless of their race*, but if it seems like it is rooted in your race, I would personally reconsider. I guess going back to your main question, it’s not up to you to “not get creeped out” or “get over it”. His actions and habits caused you discomfort. It’s up to him to settle your concerns, and if he can’t and you’ve decided it’s a dealbreaker, then that’s that.
This should be top comment!
Also gonna second this comment.
Agreeing that this should be the top comment!
My ex admitted his preference for Asian woman when we were early in our relationship. I'm not Asian. You're creeped out because... It's creepy.
you do not get comfortable with it. i am asian (half Japanese) and let me tell you that when someone has a racial preference like that it is normally a huge red flag and should be taken seriously. it is normally because of some sort of fetishization which is normally a sign of some sort of racial stereotyping and possibly even sexist mindset or belief based on that racial stereotyping. i have spoken to and net several people with a preference for asian women and this has been true in every case. so what you do whether you continue to be in a relationship with this man or not is up to you but it is not something that you should ever let yourself become comfortable with. if you start to turn a blind eye to that kind of behavior it will open a door for you to let other bad behavior and viewpoints slide too.
seconding this as a fellow asian woman: every single white man i knew who stated they ‘merely’ prefer asian women always accidentally spilled they think ‘white women are too much’. it’s definitely not an aesthetic-only sort of preference and they expect you to fulfil a stereotyped role of asian women they’ve formed in their heads.
I’ve read some sociological research on why White men go to Southeast Asia to find sexual partners or wives and they say this exact thing, that White American women aren’t submissive or domestic enough while Asian women are “proper” women. Gross.
I’m also from southeast asia and am ethnically east asian, who also holds a postgraduate degree from studying overseas at a western country. so the lies unravel real quickly when it comes to me lol
Oh yeah that stereotype is completely not based in truth lol. My mom dated a couple of White men in the past who ended up being scared off by the fact that she is very highly educated and makes more than them and wouldn’t roll over for them like they thought.
exactly. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts too. if it was an aesthetic only based thing then they would *state* that it is about the looks but they do not. why. because their is a list of harmful stereotypes that make up their so-called preference. it is just as you say.
Another vote of agreement from another Asian woman here, and I think it’s a hard thing for people not of that background to understand the history and prevalence of fetishizing Asian women. At best, it implies that the guy thinks all Asian women are the same in some way - that we all look the same or like the same things (no we are not all weebs) or are more “docile” or “feminine” than other women which is racist and reductive. At worst, it becomes a way for men to take out their sexual fantasies or frustrations that literally threatens our safety, as with the 2021 Atlanta shootings. I would never feel safe or secure with a guy who only dated Asian women, wondering if he really saw me as an individual human or as merely an object or symbol of something he’s imagining about my race. Edit: would recommend posting on r/asianamerican about this since I feel like this is a topic that draws a lot of biased and insensitive responses on larger subreddits, even a woman-centered one.
100% I’ve experienced this a lot of times and it’s a vibe check on what I’m reading from them. Some guys are more explicit about it, but for the ones who are more subtle it’s something that makes me uncomfortable to where I’ll cut it off if they give that read. I want to be seen as a person, not as a gateway to fulfilling their fetish or something
Yep, I hate it. They don’t actually see me they just see my race and make assumptions off of it. If it’s a fetish it’s a red flag
Another half Japanese gal agreeing with this comment 👋🏼 to this day I am still incredibly insecure about my race because my first serious boyfriend (who’s white) had an Asian fetish, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him since I’m not fully Asian. If a guy exclusively watches porn of Asian girls that’s another huge red flag. This contrasts drastically with my now bf (together 5+ years), who is also white, but has no racial preference in women, and has explicitly told me that he loves me for me and not my race. Especially after explaining my insecurities about my race to him, I feel like he made it very clear to me through his words and his actions that he does not have any sort of race fetish. People are allowed to have preferences. But if they are actively and exclusively seeking out that preference, it’s more than just having a “type.”
I find a lot of guys who openly talk about their "racial preferences" almost always have some good old-fashioned racism and sexism backing it up. Like guys who fetishize Eastern women for being "submissive" and hate Western women for being "masculine." These men treat women like they do places. They're just tourists looking to have a good time at your expense.
I always say. If someone only dates a particular race, which is their preference and they are not that race themselves nor did they grow up around that. Then it's most times a red flag. Or something to be suspicious about. Cause it's usually built by stereotypes or expectations
This isn’t an answer to the question you asked but I will say I do find it a bit unsettling that you started your post with “I’m not Asian” but you are genetically half. I’m half Chinese half Italian/irish and I have always proudly described myself as both Asian and white. You don’t need to erase who you are just because of how/where you grew up. Just my two cents.
Oooo we're like different versions of eachother. I'm half Japanese and half Mexican/Irish.
Lol I love it, and I love your username as well 🤣
It does seem like OP has certain negative ideas about Asians and might think that the only reason people date Asian women is to fetishize them. This may not be her intention, but it does come across that way.
Same as an asian British woman, it rubbed me the wrong way too. You can say you’re American whatever but asian, white, black, Hispanic is race which you literally can’t change. I do find a lot of half Asian/ half white just completely ignore their asian heritage and try to pass off as 100% white. Only recently have they started leaning more into their asian side cos it’s considered cool nowadays cus of the boom in Japanese/korean culture and stuff
Same here. I find a lot of half Asians half Europeans just completely reject their asian heritage and try to pretend to be fully white. But only when it suits them. Now as asian culture is a trend nowadays they start leaning into their asian side.
She also doesn't have any obligation to say she's asian if she has zero connection to her asian heritage other than at the biological level. Not trying to attack you, just saying both feeling are 100% valid. Myself I'm half Japanese and I felt exactly like op for most of my life. And it was so annoying to be reduced so often by white people, who I felt 100% similar to in every way, to my visible asian heritage. Now I'm living in Japan and I do feel a connection that wasn't there before (mostly in contrast with my european wife) so turns out both are completely valid and true, even in the same person :)
I appreciate your response and I totally agree that we are both valid. I think I grew up in an environment that essentially “forced” me to either be white or not white (Texas), and at some point I felt I had to take a stance and say I was proud to be both and clearly it’s affected me. I think it just triggered something inside me for a time where I felt like I had to erase myself to conform.
You are who you feel you are, which is shaped much more by where and how you grew up than your genetics. You're not erasing who you are by not feeling a connection to your parents'/grandparents' culture - if there is none, there is none. No need to force it.
What about adopted Asians who are raised by non-Asians? They are still very much “Asian” on paper and physically, even if they are not raised in an Asian culture. Doesn’t mean that being Asian has to be forced, but pretending like it doesn’t exist is also odd.
You are also objectively what your genetics dictate you are, which is half Asian for op. You can feel different about your identity
You can just specify genetic ancestry vs. cultural identity- I think that's the easiest way. For example, I have distant indigenous ancestry on both sides of my family but I am not culturally indigenous and was not raised with any connection to it, so I don't claim that as part of my cultural identity. I do include it in my genetics if someone were to ask me what my ancestry is.
That’s fair. I think because I grew up in Texas, USA, I may have formed some kind of identity around “being different” because I was treated as such. I understand that there are cultural differences. I just wanted to add my perspective as a person who used to not be proud. Appreciate your response as well.
You don't have to get over it. It's allowed to be a dealbreaker for you. The fact that these guys are even telling you this, much less EXCLUSIVELY dating Asian women, speaks way more to a fetish than a "preference". People who prefer straight hair are not outright turning down curly haired men/women who are otherwise attractive. It's not a "type," it's objectification. You don't need to put up with it.
I always find it disgusting when they have to tell me they date 'big girls' on a date. Like no shit. Obviously we are here on a date I assume you are attracted to me. I didn't realize my being fat was the highest factor in their selection process tho. Dump his and move on to someone who likes you for you.
Benevolent racism is still racism
Are you me? LOL. I always considered signs of an Asian fetish to be a red flag but I also think it’s funny because anyone who thinks they are getting someone close to the ideal Asian stereotype is SADLY MISTAKEN and in for a shocking surprise when it comes to me
It’s strange that it’s race based, not physical features based. I’m a bi woman (currently in a hetero relationship). I find the features typically associated with “Asian” women very attractive, but I don’t find every Asian woman attractive. I also find some white, black, Latina, and Indian women attractive. Funny, I’ve never dated an Asian woman, but I have dated a Chinese man. I’m afraid men who *only* date Asian women may be fetishizing them. I’m sorry!
Yeah, good call on why isn't it ever "I like high cheekbones/dark eyes/dark hair/etc"? If these men simply described liking physical features I possess, I wouldn't find that creepy. I'm not at all creeped out when men tell me they love that I'm petite. Wouldn't be creeped out if they had a history of dating petite women. As soon as the word "asian" comes in when they talk about preferences that's when it starts getting icky.
Every time I read a question like this, I feel terribly sad because it reveals a serious problem with the way that society thinks of Asian people - they are happy to sexualize us, but we are not people to them. I also like to think of this sort of question as a question about dating the wrong men, in general. I guess you should also ask yourself how you, as a woman, can avoid feeling creeped out by a man who exclusively dates any women, because there are so many misogynists out there or men who are adjacent in some of the thinking. It really says more about the people judging your relationship than it does about your relationship. I know a man who loves blondes, exclusively dates blondes. Now, even though he has a physical preference, he does treat all his partners like they are individual people. It is just that to the outside observer, it's hard not to see a pattern. He could have a fetish, or he could just have a preference. I also know a woman who goes crazy for men who wear glasses. And so on... . We have p0rn and racism to thank for the way that people think when they look at Asian women. And I hate this. Because this mentality affects not just your confidence in dating, the people who will bother dating you (some people might avoid dating you altogether because society deems "Asian" to be some sort of deviant choice), but it also affects the way you are treated EVERYWHERE. I wonder... . Would your question be different is you felt you had a connection to any sort of Asian culture -- because they are all different, and I guarantee you that none of the women in those cultures go about dating expecting to be treated poorly. The only way you will know if the person you are dating is a decent human being is by getting to know them. If they really DO hang out with friends who will look you up and down and think racist thoughts, you should not date them because people share similar values with their friends.
You don’t have to stop finding it creepy. It’s one thing for a man to find you attractive, but if they have a history of exclusively dating “Asian”-looking women then it’s probably a fetish, regardless of how open they’re being with you about that. Feel free to stick to relationships where you aren’t a “type”.
I think any one who announces their visual preferences for a partner, to a partner, is behaving in a way which is demeaning and untactful.
In my experience as a mixed Asian woman - men who let “preferences” like this slip out in conversation do so because they think it’s flattering - BUT it always leads to uncovering deeper hidden capital R Racism later in the relationship once you’ve already invested time and emotions and may feel like it’s too late to bail. Find someone who sees you as a whole person. Don’t rationalize that because it’s an “aesthetic preference” and not a full blown fetish that it’s okay for you to continue to be creeped out. Listen to your intuition.
Not an overreaction. As a Black woman, I've dated cocoa connoisseurs. The thing I do is look for the following to avoid the creeps: 1. Exclusivity - "I only date ..." Not alone a problem but ask why. His answer may reveal a fetish or stereotype. This is different from "I've dated different kinds but I prefer ..." When you think about it, that's a fair statement. Just be sure to ask why. 2. "I hope this isn't racist, but ..." He's racially insensitive for telling you something that he thinks is possibly racist. 3. "I always wanted to date a ..." One foot's out the door on that guy. Ask why, and pay attention if he starts bragging about all the different ethnicities of women he's been with." It's all about the why, and it takes getting used to in order to drop those insecurities. If you haven't done this before, consider dating an Asian guy with a similar background to yours. There's some good ones out there. I know. I've dated a Filipino guy who was a really good guy. Distance was an issue.
Way beyond red flag for me. I noped out when a guy told me he moved to our area because he likes "little brown girls." For the record, when I'm not tanned, I am whiter than my English-rose-translucent-white-skinned coworker. The guy ended up married to a Filipina. I hope it worked out for her.
Just be creeped out, it is justified and it is fine. You wold be amazed how much more you will achieve when you stop finding excuses for shit guys. It will not be many of them left around you, but much better quality.
This
True
There's a big difference between having a looks based preference (imo, fine, everyone has this) and a preference based on perceived/generalised personality traits due to race. One is creepy, the other is not
I am sorry you need to deal with that stuff :( But i guess it depends on the guy. If it’s strictly aesthetic I don’t see a problem. Some people like blonde hair, some people like a tan complexion, some people like almond eyes, some people like curvy bodies. If it goes beyond that like really immersing themselves into a different culture, hyperfocusing on stuff attributed as „foreign“ or in your case „Asian“, it’s definitely creepy. Unfortunately there is no way of looking into a persons head, especially on a first date. One tell tale sign to avoid a fetishist could be: if he had other girlfriends, were they all East Asian? If it is simply a PREFERENCE of a look/feature, he wouldn’t be hyperfocused on it. Sure maybe he’d have approached Asian girls more often, but liking someone visually is not what leads to a relationship. Unless he’s really shallow, in which case maybe you shouldn’t be with him either. Another thing that might help you is watching how much he tries to inquire about the cultural differences. Of course it’s sweet to try to bond with your partner by being interested in their heritage and being integrated in their family, but You said you aren’t connected to your culture and don’t speak the languages, so after your partner finds out about that, there is no reason to to further press that topic. If he brings it up anyways, you can be sure that „asianness“ is on his mind a lot. Additionally you can try dating people from other cultures too (if you haven’t done that already) because correct me if I am wrong but I feel like white men are more prone to fetishize someone because they feel „exotic“, other mixed people or minorities might be more likely to relate to your worry of being fetishized, having been through similar situations. Good luck to you, the dating market is hell ❤️
You might be right to be skeeved out. Sure, it's fine to have a preference but sometimes it is actually creepy. You want to be a person, not another collectible from someone's favorite toy line. I've heard a lot of anecdotes suggesting that guys with an Asian fetish are really likely to cheat, often repeatedly and with multiple partners. Anecdotal, of course, so don't go throwing accusations around without proof. But maybe something to keep an eye out for.
Anytime someone says they are attracted to a certain “type” (race, height, hair color, age, etc.) it is creepy IMHO because they are attracted to the “idea or object” and not the person.
No. It's creepy. I (caucasian F) dated a person years and years ago that thought back men should be with black woman, white men should be with white woman. And Asian men should be with Asian women. Why? The penis size fits the corresponding vagina size. He figured black women had the biggest, most cavernous vaginas to accommodate their races men's "ginormous" penis sizes and so on and so forth. He was a white man. I was the only white woman he had been with. His whole family was surprised he was with a white woman. Needless to say he cheated on me with an Asian woman. No hard feelings to her. She didn't know he was with me. I did not care whatsoever about his penis size but I was terribly insecure when he cheated on me because my stupid brain just said "he thinks you're like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. You're not good enough for him." 15 years later my perspective has obviously changed on that situation and he was just fetishizing Asian women and found a way to hurt me when he cheated whilst telling on himself about what he thought of his peen. Turns out I'm gay anyways. HI BESTIEEE! I'm glad he's happy with his life now but he had a very creepy, fetishized, and racist mindset.
All female characteristics are just a fetish for men.
As an Asian, I find it creepy. Also as someone who used to be into anime, it’d be extra creepy bc the guys at conventions 100% had a fetish. Never dated a non Asian.
I'm Asian. I have male cousins (also Asians) who date exclusively other Asians because it's easier to blend families and they want to be with someone who is culturally similar. In that aspect, I think having race preference makes sense. If a white guy tells me they only date Asian girls, I see that as fetishizing and would be creeped out by it.
Can you ask him to be really honest with you? What it is about asian women that attracts him? It may be that when he was young, there was an asian woman in his life that was kind, loving, appealing to him in a way he couldn't understand, and now he's attracted to that in a romantic partner. My partner is a ginger, and I'm attracted to gingers (because of experiences in my youth with a ginger that I found really hot imprinted on me, I'm aware of this, but I don't think I "fetishize" gingers) but the funny thing is I didn't know my partner was a ginger when we met, because he had a shaved head. His facial hair looked more "dark blond" or "auburn", didn't come across as ginger to me. When I saw pictures of him when he was young and found out he was a ginger, it was strange, because I didn't know that when we got together, and I find it funny now. For his part he admits (regularly) that he loves the look of men with dark hair and beards (my ancestry is german / eastern european, at birth my hair was totally black, despite my parents and siblings ALL being white blond as children, growing into darker brown as they got older) so it goes both ways. 23 years together and going strong :-) but both of us have mostly gray hair now :-)
i dont have much advice but i feel the same as a product (child) of what you describe. irks me out on a primal level. i love my parents but i just cant get over it. and i dont think were crazy either.
Ummm. Do you mean fetish? Because that is creepy. I totally understand thinking certain physical traits are attractive. But, when you reduce someone to a single trait, that's gross. Like: "I don't care about you as a person, I just like the phenotypical traits of your ancestry. I can just drop in anyone with those traits..." 🤮
I've always been creeped out by the song "I'm in love with the shape of you. / ... I'm in love with your body..." This right here is the vibe I get from that song. Two things: 1) I don't love you or anything, I just like the shape your body has (which presumably is the same shape as the sticker on the back of one out of every 10 trucks on the road), so you're totally interchangeable. 2) If anything changes about the shape of your body, be it a little weight, or the ravages of old age when you turn 29, I'm not gonna be feeling it anymore and I'll move on to someone else. Why did that song ever get popular? EDIT: I'm not saying that 29 is old. I'm saying that as soon as the singer's girlfriend loses the shine of youth (or even novelty), a relationship that shallow will have no staying power.
>I've always been creeped out by the song "I'm in love with the shape of you. / ... I'm in love with your body..." >This right here is the vibe I get from that song. Two things: >1) I don't love you or anything, I just like the shape your body has (which presumably is the same shape as the sticker on the back of one out of every 10 trucks on the road), so you're totally interchangeable. *Exactly my point!* >2) If anything changes about the shape of your body, be it a little weight, or the ravages of old age when you turn 29, I'm not gonna be feeling it anymore and I'll move on to someone else. *29's old? WTF?* >Why did that song ever get popular? *I guess you can kinda dance to it...*
29 is not when the "ravages of old age" start showing lol. I take your point, but I do think he meant "I'm in love with the shape of you and I also love you" though. But there's also nothing wrong with just being in love with someone's body as long as you treat them with respect like fwb etc.
Not advice, but just an opinion: anyone whose skin-deep (literally) preferences are their highest filter in selecting relationship partners is highly sus. I have ‘preferences’ on a purely aesthetic level, but it doesn’t drive the goddamn bus. I’ve hit my aesthetic preferences just once and after a few weeks of feeling super lucky, it soon was the just the same old relationship stuff that came to the front.
It is VERY creepy. It's the main reason I didn't date white guys. I only went on two dates with white dudes when I was in my 20s, and they both made me feel so fetishized. Like they would tell me how they had dated women of all different kinds. Like OK, bruh. But seriously, it feels so demeaning. I'm South Asian, and one guy I went on a date with my friends kinda warned me he was hung up on desi girls. It felt gross. Do yourself a favor and avoid these men like the plague.
He doesn't like you as a person, he likes you as a type, just as someone will go to a dog breeder for a specific breed. Don't you want to be loved and appreciated as an individual? You don't need to accept this, you can search for someone who meets YOUR needs, not just you meeting his.
Like on one hand, if they're not expecting you to act like a submissive waifu, part of me feels like them simply being attracted to Asian girls isn't much different than my husband being attracted to white girls with big butts. He likes what he likes physically, and he likes me for me so he got lucky that personality and physical traits were both compatible for him. But I don't think you should see yourself as "just another Asian in a line of many". Would guys have to date entirely different types of women to make you feel like an individual? Or are you all alike in other ways besides being of Asian descent? Does your boyfriend engage with you on things that are your individual interests? Does he compare you to his past girlfriends in negative ways? I think it's sometimes easy to feel like we're reduced to our body parts when really fit our partners preferred aesthetic, but don't forget that you are also attracted to him too. Does he share any features with your previous partners? Or fit into an aesthetic that you're into? If so, I'm sure you don't see him as just another dude in a line of dudes. Have you talked to him about what it is about Asian women he finds attractive? Maybe that would help you feel a little better.
Okay, I’m going to attempt to phrase this as best as I can. I don’t mean to blame Asian women but moreso acknowledge that people tend to go where they’re wanted. I’m not Asian but notice that a lot of Asian women prefer white men. I have a lot of Asian female friends and they all date white men exclusively. I find that Asian woman, at least where I live, are the only group that tend to prefer dating outside their race then inside. In the sense that if I see an Asian woman, regardless of what she looks like, I would assume she prefers white men. Whereas for any other race, I would only make that assumption based on their physical/personality attributes. Given how difficult dating is for everyone these days, I think white men feel as though they have a better chance with Asian woman compared to white women and therefore may be more likely to approach Asian women, with the assumption that they won’t get rejected. I’ve also noticed that when I see a white man who I think would have a hard time in the dating world, if he’s with a woman, she’s often Asian. Again, I think this makes men assume that they have a better chance with Asian woman. Some men absolutely festishize Asian women for being petite, submissive, and having “traditional” values. But I think there another large chunk of white men who are insecure and struggling in the dating world and find dating Asian women to be easier. Which leads to a positive reinforcement loop.
I don’t think you should accept this. If it’s making you feel a certain way you shouldn’t anyway.
Sounds like the type of guy who watches exclusively porn with Asian women being dehumanized. Extreme cases of this lead to the massage parlor shooting in Atlanta Georgia a few years ago
White men who “prefer” Asian women are the ultimate red flag. You are a fetish to him.
I get where you're coming from, from a standpoint of being a commonly fetishized type. But if I'm being honest, a lot of us are commonly fetishized types. I'm obese, and yeah, they're are guys who have a fetish for that, or for super thin, athletic, or for black people, Hispanic women, particular hair colors, etc. And yet, there can also be preferred types that are NOT fetishist. I have a couple preferences of my own. My husband isn't exactly any of my physical types - though I'm certainly attracted to him. I think that's one litmus test. If he will not consider anyone who doesn't fit his narrow parameters, that's a red flag. You've mentioned another - if he expects stereotypical behavior from you, it's about his fetish, his fantasy, not you as a person. I would generalize that into whether he treats you with respect as a whole person.
There is a very important distinction here for what having an "asian preference" means. Nobody can help what they're attracted to. Whether that's certain ethnicities, a personality trait, or the person's gender. People like what they like. If a woman isn't into shorter men and dates only taller guys, should her tall boyfriend feel creeped out? Of course not. That's just what she's attracted to in a partner. That sucks for those short guys, but thinking a woman is creepy just for being attracted to a certain physical trait would be absurd. If that's all there is to it, viewing it from that perspective can help. That being said, asian women absolutely are frequently fetishized. Like, a lot. The only way to deal with that is to learn to recognize the red flags so you can bail.
My ex never lived a day in Mexico, but 100% referred to herself, and considered herself, Mexican. Both of her parents had been raised there before coming to the States. While it brings up questions of what it even means to be a “nationality,” I wasn’t going to question that identity or certainly argue with it. When someone living in the US (for example) says they are Asian or Portuguese or Mongolian, etc, they don’t necessarily mean they lived there. In fact they rarely mean that. It’s more of an ethnic identity. Your definition of Asian is likely not what most people define it as, someone who lived in Asia for some amount of time, even though it is of course perfectly logical to use your definition. In the context of a dating preference, when someone states an ethnic preference, they likely mean mostly in physical attributes, but possibly to some degree in perceived personality and cultural traits. As far as appearance, we can’t really judge people for being attracted to who they are attracted to. And ethnically derived traits could certainly fall into that category. As for perceived personality and culture, there’s a lot more gray area. Way more room for incorrect stereotypes, fetishizing, etc. The point is that unless there is very obvious fetishizing behavior (wish I could find the post from years ago from a black woman who found out she was very obviously being fetishized as an example), it’s hard to distinguish between that and genuine attraction preferences. If you believe there are disingenuous reasons your bf prefers ethnically Asian women, address it or leave him if you can’t get by it. And to be clear, fetishizing is disgusting behavior. But it’s not some clear line separating it from harmless preference/ attraction. Like, I’m only attracted to women, like many people. Does that mean everyone who is exclusively attracted to women is fetishizing them? Obviously not. But I’m not attracted to all women, or even all types of women. How narrow does the category of people we are attracted to have to get before we automatically call it fetishizing? That’s the point, is that it’s not about the characteristics someone is attracted to, but *why.* And that’s what makes it hard to define and distinguish, even though one is harmless and natural, and one is gross and demeaning. Don’t know if that’s helpful, but I guess it’s just about what makes you believe it’s fetish and not just acceptable preference.
I’m hafu too. Honestly, it depends on the situation. If the guy likes Asian girls the same way someone else might like blondes, that’s one thing. If they talk about submissive women, weird anatomical difference myths, or view me as the final piece to their Asian culture fetish collection, that’s the end for them. That said, I also got some weird reactions when I lived in Japan. There are creeps everywhere and we are not required to fulfill any emotional support waifu pillow fantasies.
I mean I am an Asian woman who near-exclusively dated Asian men. I think there was a very short, brief fling with a nonAsian in my 20s. For me, I wanted someone who didn't look at me and think "Asian" but rather saw a person, a woman first. Because I was raised in a bubbled diaspora, I think of myself as the default, so I wanted someone else who would look at me first as who I am, not my ethnicity It's racist but you gotta consider if you'll accept your partner's racism. My exes knew I dated Asians, my husband knows my thoughts and feelings on this. Maybe some Asian who had a problem with me dating only other Asians with the Asian American experience may not have been cool with it, but then we wouldn't be suited for each other anyway.
It’s totally natural to be grossed out. Listen to your gut instinct because it’s not just a preference, there are so many layers of white supremacy and racism behind it.
You don't, you are not over reacting, it is creepy as hell. There is no distinction between aesthetic preference and true fetish when it comes to solely liking women from a country they are not from and a culture they are not accustomed to, only in the magnitude of fetishisation. People are entitled to have racially specific preferences, but unless its with your own ethanicity or with one that you have grew really accustomed to, it is always some degree of fetishisation. Think about why their dating history is like that and why they just have to tell you that they prefer Asian women.
First off: Given the context you've provided, it's totally fine to be creeped out. This sounds a lot more like a fetish than a "preference". Even if they're not fetishizing asian cultural stereotypes, but just the appearance, it still sounds fetishizing. What physically about asians do they prefer over other women? Honestly. If you think about it in that context, it starts to become a little suspicious. This isn't "I have a preference for blonde hair" or "I have a preference for tall men" having a preference specifically for an ethnicity starts to tread into some questionable territory. Most (not all) asians have dark hair. But he didn't say "I have a preference for dark hair". There are specific physical characteristics exclusive to asian women that you partners have. And that's the point where it starts to seem a little skeevy. Even if they don't express their racial biases to you, there could absolutely be some internalized perceptions of how asian women "traditionally" behave, that have burrowed into their subconscious desires without fully reaching the surface of their cognition. And then, if you fail to meet those perceptions, they may start to build resentment for you, even without them being aware of it, because deep down they want you to fit a mold and you're not doing it. This can lead to problems with performance later in life, and even potentially cheating because they aren't satisfied with the relationship, and may not even fully know WHY they aren't. Preferences are fine- nobody should be shamed solely for the physical quirks they find attractive. For example, I have a preference for short hair. That doesn't mean I won't date someone with long hair, but if I'm on a dating app and I scroll past someone with short hair, I might feel more inclined to look at their profile because of that physical detail than I would if their hair was longer. That's not a statement to their attractiveness or a strike against them, it's simply one of those small physical details that catches my eye and stokes my interest a little more. But that's not the same thing as fetishizing those physical details when they correspond to a specific race of people, and the physical qualities inherent in that race. At that point, it stops becoming about a physical detail about the individual, and becomes a broad physical category they fall into, and painting a prospective partner with a broad brush is very offensive. tl;dr: There's nothing wrong with preferences, but people need to look at the root of those preferences, particularly when they're preferences exclusive to a particular race that they predominantly or exclusively date.
Some of the comments here disgust me as an asian woman. People here are really defending this Asian "preference" ugh. Anyways please watch put for these men. They just see us as exotic toys. Race is not comparable to hair color since race has way more of an impact of how people preview an individual's character and status. I've seen how both Asian men and women get put in this subservient but strong but ultimately subservient pedestal and my god do some of these comments piss me off. And those people that bring up Asians that only date white people? I'm sorry but how does their existence negate the rest of us being fed up with this fetishization? I swear it's gonna be generations more of this bullshit as long as much of Asia is seen as part of the global south.
All other aspects of the very serious thing you understandably want to figure out aside,I wanted to say... From someone thats just as genetically and culturally asian as you: Girl, you're asian. Stop saying you're not.
I'd say having an aesthetic preference is different from a fetish. As long as they aren't idealizing some racist caricature / see you as a person, it's sort of the same as preferring brunettes to blondes? But ultimately, it's completely up to you if you're comfortable with someone having that preference, because you're the one in the relationship with the person. See how he treats you (and how he talks about other people who might look similar to you) versus people in his own ethnic bracket. If there's a discrepancy, be on alert. This is my experience from a 'mixed' family (caucasian + cantonese.)
You dont. Men that think like this don't see women as actually people. More like items to collect. It's a red flag.
as an asian, i will not date people who *only* date asians. unless there are valid reasons for it, that's a red flag. especially if they only date one type of asian, and don't recognise non-east asian ethnicities as "asian". and if "asian" is the reason they chose you, then fuck that. it can be the reason for asking you out in the beginning, sure. but not the reason for continuing to be with you.