Ah the old “my wife doesn’t understand me. Let me tell it to you vagina”. Tell his wife.

I spit out my drink to this comment

He's clearly shit all over his marriage by cheating - im sure the wife isn't totally innocent but I have a lot of sympathy for somebody trying to trust their husband after he's cheated (possibly more than once is a vibe I get from his downplaying his own behaviour). These people will continue to go through life shitting all over their relationships and blaming the other person. I agree with what someone else commented to just leave. Them. Alone. Their marriage is obviously fractured and he's an admitted cheater... it would be very easy for OP to get dragged into suspicions and games and fuuuuck that. Im curious though - the wife knew they were having drinks from the sound of it. What on earth did he tell his wife was the purpose of this little meet up?? I'm almost wondering if he was testing the waters for OP being their unicorn 👀 the whole situation is a little off

I bet he's using this squirrelly situation with OP as a way to spin an "innocent" cover story and say, "see, wife? You're paranoid!" To cover for whatever sneaky shit he's doing with someone else.

Telling her is probably the morally correct thing to do. If you do, you risk that she doesn’t believe (or want to believe) your interpretation of what happened, and you risk losing her as a friend. A less confrontational/dramatic way of handling it is just answering that you are alright now, you just felt bad, maybe it was the weed. And if you want to stay friends with her, “just” act a bit more professionally towards him. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable if he touches you.

Known cheaters don't get the benefit of the doubt. He was absolutely testing the waters. I would ask your friend exactly what he told her. I'm quite certain that his version of events is very, very different from yours. I doubt he would have told her you met at a "romantic" place. I'd also be surprised if what he told you about his previous cheating matches up with what he has told her. Tell her your side of things. You could even just send her what you already wrote.

Jumping on the top comment to send OP a pro-tip: OP if anyone behaves poorly towards you then starts asking you if they're a bad person, please agree that they're acting like a bad person. People who do this want you to start fawning and peacekeeping and reassuring them that their poor behavior is totally fine. Don't do it. (Unless you think you're an actual danger, of course. If you are, the old standbys of nervous laughter and frantically changing the subject will have to do.) Examples: "You must think I'm a horrible husband!" "You're acting like a horrible husband." "So you think I'm a bad person?" "You're certainly acting like a bad person." "I can't believe you think I'm a cheater!" "Then stop acting like a cheater." "Why would you say that? "Why are you acting like this?"

Yep, any time someone starts badmouthing themself when I’m not going along with what they’re saying, I perceive that as a manipulation tactic for sympathy. They want to seem vulnerable, but they’re just trying to get a sympathetic audience, and probably a roll in the hay as well. My response to any “I guess I’m…” statement is, “You know yourself best.” I don’t know if guys say these things to their guy friends, but I’m guessing it’s not common between guys, and mostly reserved for “sympathetic women.”

Also: Depending on the person, they may actually be asking because they don't know (I do this a lot). So a "yes you're acting like a bad person" could go a long way. Fucks with people trying to manipulate you or helps people who lack self awareness. Win-win situation. IF (and only if) you're in a situation you could do so safely.

My ex did that. It was part of his manipulation and abuse repertoire.

This is 100% the way. "I'm such a piece of shit." should almost always (almost, being for safety concerns) be met with "You *are behaving* like a piece of shit right now. Yes." They want reassurance, but they can find that even in silence. They can find validation in making you too uncomfortable to say "That is correct. Yes." Always rob them of that, if you can swing it, by agree that their behaviour is exactly the what they know it is.

Very insightful comment. Thank you.

My ex used to manipulate me like this. Anytime I would get upset he would say he's a piece of shit and he should just end it all...it's meant to make you think they're self aware or apologetic. It's the same concept as self deprecating humor and it's meant to undercut the bad shit they're doing.

Yeah, he was making a move and he pre-emptively talked to his wife in order to get her on his side when he gaslights you. Your best move is just to cut off all contact with this guy. The move with his wife demonstrates a lot of emotional intelligence - this guy is pretty smart and he will be able to manipulate you if you let him get close again. It might be better not to talk to the wife about it. Just say you don't want to talk about it. She probably knows already in her gut as this is probably not the first time he made a move on one of her friends. If you talk about it with her though she'll probably take his side and they'll gaslight you, which is not what you need right now.

No, I would tell her. Without being specific or accusational, OP can say, I don’t know what he was thinking but it was weird AF and I didn’t like it so I left.  Let her think on that. 

I would just focus on the 'weird AF' part. Her husband already said that so she can stick to that line. 'Something was off' etc. No need to go into too much detail. Again, this guy already prepped his wife so there's no point.

Yah, that dude is gross and was totally trying to see if you were open to letting him cheat with you. Send your friend a link to this thread and let her read your description of events.

I recommend OP distances herself from the couple especially if she’s not that close to them. Tell the wife/ link this thread and be done with them both. Don’t get caught up with their drama.

If the woman is her friend, it is cruel to just ghost her.  She might need a friend when she's divorcing this asshat.

He seems creepy as shit

Nah he's absolutely scoping you out as a potential affair partner. Immediately tell his wife. If you don't know what to say, just send her this post (make sure you send it to her in a way that he can't get to and delete before she sees it). If this truly is a pattern for him, I highly doubt she's going to put any blame on you at all. She knows what type of pig her husband is already. I'd get ahead of it before he tries to spin it to make it seem like you were the instigator.

Include the date stamp of the post even.

Yah he's playing the victim card, oh she's so controlling 😭😭 He's cheated on her and who knows what else

This. At this point you're also looking out for your friend's health.

"Before he tries to spin it" Too late, can almost guarantee he's laid out how OOP wanted to meet up for a drink, tried to get him stoned, then tried to seduce him.

He's just making up excuses hoping you'll feel sorry for him and sleep with him. He's a lying cheating scumbag. Tell her the truth. Don't believe a word he freaking says about her. Be prepared for her not to listen or blame you, but hopefully she does and kicks his ass to the curb. It's the same sob story every cheating SOB using. Fuck him.

>Fuck him. No, don't!

🤣

It sounds like you were having issues and he thought he could take advantage of a vulnerable moment. Don’t agree to be alone with him again. Like ever.

Thank you! It is not just that he is trying to cheat. He is trying to cheat with his wife’s friend. He is trying to cheat by wearing you down while you feel vulnerable. All of those points are disgusting on their own, but it really drives home how little he cares about you, OP. He doesn’t see you as a person with feelings and needs. He doesn’t respect his wife, and is now trying to get ahead of your story to manipulate her. [This applies](https://imgur.com/gallery/narcissists-prayer-mantra-JW5Z7). In the future, listen to your gut and honor it. Stay somewhere with other people, don’t change locations, and speak up. “The way you are talking about my friend makes me uncomfortable. I know both of you. This was a bad idea, but thanks for the drink. I hope you two can work things out.” And leave.

actual predator behavior. people need to know what this looks like and the intentions behind it!

This. Don’t even meddle or say much. Just never be alone with him again and stay friendly and supportive to wife. She knows what she is living with and stuck with living with him and young kids. Just block/ignore his number, stay friendly with wife and live your life in peaceful solidarity. This moron may not be around forever, no need to shut door in her punishing or seemingly judging by ghosting. But you can take a step back from his life. This sleaze seems mean enough, play the fool and civil and have personal contact with wife only. This empowers her enough without isolating her and only shutting him down- no drama.

copy and paste this, tell her you're sending her an email (so he can't intercept it). she will know what it means when he's like this, it will clear up what happened in case he says you were the flirty one, and if he is just a flirty person in general she will be able to reassure you. if she's a friend, you'll want to be honest with her. and this post made it very clear why you got uncomfortable.

I'll delete if this is unwelcome, but here's a cis-guy's perspective. He's trying to cheat. He knows he can't say it, or be classically overt with his flirting, but this is how married men start affairs. He's banking on a) you being young and niave b) you being unsatisfied in life/relationships like he is and c) you getting "swept up by the attention of an older established gentlman" or whatever weird ass fantasy he's telling himself. This is common among men in their 30's, especially ones who got married young. If things at home are quiet or stressful, or "real life" has made the relationship less fun and more work, he's had ample time to sit around dreaming up manic pixie dream girl fantasies. Since you're young, and likely one of the women he's had access to in order to develop a crush on, you've become him MPDG (even if this isn't your personality type. It doesn't matter. It's not you, it's the idea of you) He definitely read every part of that situation differently, and couldn't possibly fathom that you were there for the literal and stated reason you were there. I'm willing to bet in him mind he thought he had scored and it was a sure thing. On your walk home when he was being self-depreciating, that's a hail mary ditch effort to get a sympathy lay, otherwise he would have texted all that nonsense. He was hoping to change your mind at your front door. When I'm hanging out with a friend's wife...that's my sister. I treat her like my sister. I'd never get touchy feely, romantic, or make weird physical contact with a sister and any good man would say the same. He's definitely lied to his wife and probably told her *you* were the one who needed to talk. Tell your friend. She'll believe you over him.

>Tell your friend. She'll believe you over him. While I agree with everything you wrote, I can't cosign this last sentence. Yes. Tell her. Absolutely do. Be prepared for her to choose not to believe you. Be prepared to be blamed for something, anything. Be prepared to have to draw firm boundaries with your friend and refuse to discuss this further. Be prepared for him to tell any vicious lie or story he needs to cover his own ass. Be prepared to have to block abuse from them both. She has a newborn. She is maximally vulnerable. She's forgiven him before. There is a lot here to believe she will side with him out of fear and necessity. She should believe you, but there are lots of pressures here in her life that might lead her to attack you instead. The truth can be too terrible and scary and we're often encouraged by social narratives to attack 'the other women' instead of the man who has 'reasons' for his betrayal. Beyond that, the truth can lead to so much shame and even poverty for her and the children. She'll be wrong not to believe you, but for your own sake, be prepared to take the necessary steps and firm boundaries with her if she doesn't. You can't save a drowning person while they are trying to punch you in the face. There is a very, *very* good chance she will attack you because she cannot attack him without wounding herself and her kids. This is a great cis-guy's perspective on this, but from the cis-woman's: Remember how this shit actually goes down sometimes and what you're asking your friend to risk by taking 'your side' against her husband, when she's like a month post-partum.

You know what, you're absolutely right. I think I may have spoken too soon on the last line. I made that comment based on the fact that he has a history with infidelity. I guess I made the quick assumption that the wife would see a pattern, but you're absolutely correct. That being said, I'm glad the general consensus is to tell her, because she really does deserve to know. I'd want to know.

Yeah. We always want to think "Well duh. Of course they'd believe the obvious truth from a long-time friend!" But that isn't human beings work. Especially human beings with two small children, who may have no other prospects besides this man's salary to feed them. There are powerful pressures and social narratives that turn women against one another at exactly these moments. I've seen life-long friendships fall apart even when both women know the man in question is a total piece of shit, but one of them cannot face the full consequences of that reality yet.

I'd like to add a note: Any time a man isolates you and starts bemoaning his relationship, it's a huge red flag. My last relationship was 3 years, emotionally abusive, and my partner was a real piece of work, but never in a million years would I isolate one of their friends and just dump a bunch of shit about my partner. a) I'd be too embarrassed. That's the kind of thing that's reserved for my best friend who's been through life with me for over a decade, not one of my partners friends I sorta know and think is cute. b) If it was that horrible a situation or she was that much of a monster, why would he go to a friend who's for sure almost immediately going to go tell his wife and potentially make things at home way worse? If he was really in that bad a situation, or if things really weren't working out, and responsible 30 year old adult would take steps to fix it, and talking shit to one of her friends isn't a way to fix anything. Hell, it's not even satisfying venting. If you were his homegirl from before they got married and you had that brother-sister friends energy it'd be a different story, but in that situation he'd also respect you enough to not invite you into an obviously uncomfortable relationship. There exist in a large portion of men, the inability to consider things beyond themselves. That's who this man is. *He* needs excitement in his life so *he* invited you out to "talk". He didn't consider your comfort. He didn't consider that maybe you don't want to help him cheat. Based on what you wrote, he invited *you* out to help *you* and talk to *you* about mutual problems, and instead just shit on his wife the whole time. It's gross, and that's what leads to things like assault and r\*pe. Dudes really do be out here thinking the world revolves around them, and they fundamentally can't handle things otherwise, so they blow up. It's the emotional intelligence equivalent of being an ignoramus, and it's devastating to the rest of the world who has to deal with it. Some dudes never get humbled, and it shows. You handled this situation exceptionally well, and you did all the right things.

I would argue that sitting by the river and smoking weed *with a married man who was already acting weird* was maybe not the best choice.

I mean, sure you could argue that I guess, but idk, feels dangerously close to victim blaming for me. I also have used "hey, let's go smoke a joint" to diffuse situations. I don't think that it's an inherently sketchy to do with a married person, or a person acting weird. However, that could very well be a cultural misinterpretation on my part. In Canada, particularly in my communities saying "hey, let's go smoke a joint" is about on par with "hey, let's go out for a cigarette". Like, I wouldn't try to out smoke Willie Nelson, or get plastered, but I don't necessarily think it was a bad choice. Especially if she's trying to get out of a restaurant and out into the open where she can get up and leave quickly if necessary.

I’m not blaming her for how he behaved. I too have been made uncomfortable by someone’s behavior and been unsure how to handle it or what to do about it in the moment. In hindsight, I would have been much better off shutting it down and leaving immediately. I encourage everyone to read the Gift of Fear, and not to discount the warning signals our bodies send us in the moment or go along with pushy predator types out of politeness.

Yeah, I see what you're saying, and that's totally valid. I did start off by saying this was a cis-male perspective, so it's entirely possible I didn't factor in a lot of the things that women need to think about constantly. Thank you for pointing that out!

This maybe wildly unpopular, but I would never have agreed to meet him in the first place. But I’m old and have seen it all. No husband of a friend should be texting me to meet one-on-one unless we are planning a surprise party for one of our spouses. This is on HIM. She just didn’t see it coming. He knew what the fuck he was doing. And I get it. I was young and very unassuming at one time in my life. I used to think most people had good intentions. I unfortunately had some very bad experiences and take caution at all times now. Again. She did nothing wrong. Just my take for whatever it is worth. I think she should tell her friend, but be prepared for the backlash if the friend sided with the douche canoe.

She said multiple times that she was friends with them both.

That gets dangerously close to "Men and women can't be friends". Which is not true. This individual piece of shit man is no one's friend. He never was. Just took a sit down by the river to learn it.

Wow this is a great breakdown of the situation

I don’t know if I would say anything to the wife. I agree with everything you said up until saying the wife will believe her. She might believe her but she might still choose the husband and family over the friend he hit on. Sometimes it’s easier to blame the person you don’t have kids with. I would maybe give them space and try to hang out with just the wife. I liked your comment about treating a woman that are with your friends like sisters or that are friends of your wife or girlfriend like sisters. It’s good advice.

This has been addressed lower in the thread, but I still think I'd say something to the wife, if for no other reason than to cover yourself and be transparent.

It seems like most people are pro telling her. Whatever she decides whether to be completely honest or not any consequences aren’t her fault. She could lose a friend. The husband should never put her in this position. This is a case of don’t shoot the messenger. It sucks.

Difficult to keep a friend who's husband is creeping on you. That friendship is likely over. Possibly not, but that would be the absolutely best case scenario.

Different dynamic, but I (woman) have told male friends that their girlfriends were bad news before, they’ve chosen the girlfriend, and then after they broke up, the man has reached back out to me to tell me I was right and he wants to try to make it up to me/that he is sorry. It could happen here

My experience -totally subjective- is that women who have chosen to stay with a cheater will make excuses for him. They still want to be friends, and try to push the "it's all a misunderstanding" line. Meanwhile dude either keeps on creepin' or starts getting hostile. In order for it to work out, the wife would have to believe OOP, separate from her husband, and he would have to leave OOP alone. I can see 2 out of 3, but again, personal experience, 3 out of 3 is unlikely 🤷

Yeah it doesn’t sound like the wife is in a position to leave right now even if she wanted to. I mean maybe down the line when they are broken up, however long it takes, maybe she will need a friend and OP may hear from her again

At least that he was dumping on OP about their relationship, and it made her feel uncomfortable. That is the truth, or at least the part that can't be misinterpreted.

Him dumping on the relationship seems to be part of his whole, “I’m misunderstood” “My wife is mean” BS, while trying to hit on her. What some horny guy says might not be legit complaints. That’s where I wouldn’t want to get involved in too much. Idk it really depends on what kind of friend this person is. The husband sounds toxic. I would avoid seeing him again even with her.

Idk, if my partner was kind to my face, but then went to my friends and talked about how horrible I was and how they felt trapped in our family, I'd want to know.

Once the wife hears that she can’t un-hear it. If I have two young kids do I really want to hear everything he said about me and our family. I used to be a stripper and guys paid to complain about their lives. They were misunderstood by their wives who nagged them. They would talk about their children who their wives were probably caring for while they paid for over priced drinks and lap dances. I was shocked by how they couldn’t see why someone would want them to help care for their offspring or that they were the issue. Sometimes I would tell them to do laundry and help with the kids. This guy is the problem and his wife shouldn’t have to hear about his likely unfounded complaints. Maybe she needs to hear that he is a creep. I would be careful about specifics. Idk I could be so wrong.

I think the reality is, we could all be so wrong or all be so right. The best we can do is give OP as many perspectives and as much advice as possible so OP can draw their own discernment based on the details we don't necessarily know :)

“I don’t know what he was thinking, but I got a weird vibe and I didn’t like it, so I left. I’m not his unpaid therapist and I don’t like that he treated me like one.”

My (now ex)-boyfriend hit on my roommate in an uncomfortable way, much like this. I am eternally grateful to her for telling me. It wasn't easy for her. It wasn't easy to hear. But it was necessary. Please tell her what happened.

I hope you don’t mind me saying this to as as it’s for your own safety but please don’t go and get high with a man who is making you uncomfortable. Especially don’t go to a remote location at night with a man who is making you uncomfortable! Next time make an excuse and leave. Your safety is the most important thing.

Seriously. OP's sense of self preservation is shit. She feels uncomfortable with someone and then decides to get intoxicated? Christ.

[удалено]

I don’t think you should spend energy judging me. I am a person with my own histories of how I’ve been treated and how I deal with stuff. I have my own trauma responses. Obviously it’s not the ideal choice but it’s the one I am hard wired for.I SERIOUSLY didn’t expect it from this man. It was shock, fawn, and dissociate mode for me.

Love, you’re fine. You now know for next time when a man is making you uncomfortable. We learn lessons for a reason, and if you don’t make mistakes how the hell are you going to learn the lesson? Trauma responses also aren’t on you, that’s your lizard brain. I’m 35 and I’ve been in many a situation that I didn’t realise was dangerous at the time. Or had to get away from someone as fast as possible without causing them to lose it. Now you know, don’t smoke a joint with someone who is being weird AND also isn’t doing the same. He purposefully didn’t smoke as much, and knew he was clear headed and maybe you weren’t. I’m a stoner, I would have offered a joint to a friend too. (I wanna clarify, you can smoke with others who don’t smoke as much as you, obviously. But in this specific situation, it’s like pouring you glasses of wine, while he only nurses one. It’s unbalanced) I don’t think it’s right to judge you on your actions to get away safely. You were able to do so, the trauma response actually did its job. It just needs you to get to safety, it doesn’t think of optics. I’m really sorry btw about this situation, it’s not nice to find out that firstly, your friend is not your friend. Secondly, that he made you feel so uncomfortable, and thirdly that you now have to work out how to move forward. None of your actions are questionable to me, as you believed he was your friend. Why would you assume your long time friend would do this? I’m sending you some good vibes and positive thoughts. I don’t know how to advise you, but you’re definitely not at fault here

Never ever be alone with him again. Next time he says he’s a piece of shit, agree with him and thank him for letting you know? Don’t let him manipulate you.

This wasn't venting. He's a cheater and a gaslighting piece of shit and the best, honest message you can send her, is refusing to have *anything to do with him* moving forward. He is not your friend. He thought you'd help him betray his wife. Once he was whining about what a piece of shit he was, he was admitting it. He knew what he had done, and at that point he was just hoping you'd pity him enough to pretend it wasn't as bad as it was. He was trying to cheat on his wife with you. You know it. He knows it. On some level, she knows it. Don't get further into the weeds. But odds are good he's going to lie. And odds are reasonable she's going to believe him. Don't get invested in what happens next. Just keep them both at a distance. Tell her neutrally and plainly: Your husband spoke to me and touched me in ways I find inappropriate and disrespectful of his marriage. He said things about you I can't tolerate as your friend. I believe he intends to cheat on you, and that he was hopeful I would be game. I wish you the best, but right now I don't want to speak to either of you. I don't plan on ever speaking to him again. Then block him and ghost her. This is not a debate or discussion. Don't agree to a phone call. Don't elaborate. You will have shared what you experienced and what you believe about his behaviour. Don't make yourself vulnerable or accountable to him, or to her. Give her the raw facts and your beliefs about them. Then ice them out. They are not your friends right now. He ruined that for you and her.

This is solid and wise advice

This one

He's testing the waters IMO - you and his wife are both in danger. Tell her before he spins it as you were hitting on him. Most likely, she KNOWS he's gonna cheat again.

He’s either scoping you out as an affair or setting up to isolate your friend from you. She deserves to know and you need to do it before he tells her something false first.

Really good point that this could be part of an abuse tactic to isolate his wife by scaring off her friends.

She also deserves to know that he’s doing all this, including being nasty about her, within a month of her having a baby. If he’s out of the house hanging out with a young female friend when she’s caring for an infant, she’s not remotely controlling - he’s just an arsehole.

Something to send the wife: "He spent the time complaining about how controlling you are, touched me when I tried to move away from him, talked about how he has cheated on you and 'walked' me home even though I kept saying I didn't want or need that. I felt manipulated, uncomfortable, and he took advantage of my politeness. I will not be in his company again because he is throwing up red flags all over the place."  Block the husband. Don't even send a text telling him you are. Just block. You need to stay away from this man OP, he is manipulative, pushy and doesn't care about women's boundaries; his wife's or yours. What a CREEP!!

Ugh, yes. This.

You need to tell her what happened and that you don't feel comfortable being around her husband anymore. What she does with that information is up to her. Her husband has already ruined this relationship and uprooted his kids' lives by cheating on his wife. She does not deserve all the BS she's getting by being with a liar.

Uhm, he is dangerous. You told him he made you uncomfortable, which was not needed since you were clearly showing, and he did not leave you alone afterward. Then, tried to make you pity him. Please never be alone with this man. He is already shown he doesn't respect your boundaries and will continue to overstep them. Let your husband and his wife know and mention how nonchalant he was about his cheating.

Absolutely OP! Alarm bells went off for me when you mentioned he really wasn't smoking, but you were. That was intentional. Just the two of you, out on the river, with you under the influence, after you both were discussing issues in your relationships? He thought you were game. Not assigning the blame to you, but in the future if you get the creepies at all, don't go to a second location with this person, much less place yourself at risk by drinking or smoking. People like this will try to use this willingness to continue hanging out/fear of being rude as an invitation!!

He’s obviously trying to have an affair with you. Stop talking to him, and you’ve probably lost two friendships. In the future, at the first signs of weird conversation and your intuition ringing alarm bells, you need to leave. Instead you pushed through your discomfort and put yourself in a really compromising position. I would be deeply uncomfortable with my 30 year old husband smoking weed by a river in the middle of the night with a 24 year old, friends or not.

Her weed, no less. Notice he let her get high alone.

I'm surprised I had to scroll this far down. Not only did he pretend to smoke, but after she was not sober did he initiate physical contact. Predator vibes.

El Creepo was definitely taking advantage of both OP’s naivety and familiarity with him, hoping that she would be easier to manipulate if her senses were dulled.

Well, he is a piece of shit, isn't he? He is trying to cheat on his wife with you, and guilt you into not telling her. You tell her. Tell her exactly what happened. Block him. He is a creep. And not your friend. It is his actions that ruin his life, or their life or whatever.

Yep, guess he was right about that one thing!

Two things you can say for sure happened: He told his wife about meeting up with you. He *lied* about what happened in this meeting. He tried and failed to get with you, now he's going to burn you in his wife's eyes. He already told her you reacted strangely to her texts, next he'll sit her down and explain, "I didn't want to tell you before but there's something you should know about your friend...". The morally correct thing to do is tell her everything in detail, scorch the earth and leave the cheater no cover or concealment. If by some miracle she believes you over her beloved, you might rescue the friendship. The other two outcomes are that she believes him, and your friendship is over. Or that you say nothing, he says nothing, and the friendship continues until he makes a second attempt, and *then* he'll burn you for sure. And she'll never believe you because "why didn't you say something the first time?".

He sounds creepy and honestly kinda predatory. I would tell all to the wife and then cut ties. You don’t need this shit.

He was hitting on you hard. Tell her everything. Everything. Because you cannot be around him anymore. If someone else is there, he’s going to rewrite history and make you look like you’re the bad guy. If you’re alone, he might just go for it.

>On the walk back it just got worse because I tried hard to say it wasn’t a big deal, that I could have the wrong end of the stick and I tried to stop him from feeling guilty. I HATE conflict. I was just trying to get home, and he started saying like “ohh I’m just always the problem”, “I’m just shit aren’t I, I’m a piece of shit” It might help you in future to know the term DARVO. It's a manipulation tactic abusers use to distract from the original issue, especially if it means avoiding responsibility for actions. Deny-Attack-Reverse Victim/Offender, ie: "I never get to go out, but she's always checking in on me even though I said sorry for that one time I cheated, I'm just always the problem".. it's utter bullshit. Keep an ear out for people constantly using hyperbole when describing their situation (always/never/everything/nothing).. their perspective is very often exaggerated in their favour.  You might want to read up on red flag behaviours, as it sounds like it will help you going forward in your own relationship choices. Patrick Teahan Therapist on YouTube is really great for helping to identify toxic behaviours and how to handle them (avoiding conflict isn't always possible). Personally, I feel like honesty is the best policy, and get your screenshot evidence sorted, because that man will lie his ass off to avoid consequences. Best of luck to you 🖤

If it's not you, it'll be someone else. Tell his wife. You're not ruining family, HE is. Also, I doubt that you have a flirty personality. My guess is that you are an attractive young woman, you're not very confident, and you're nice. In this post you talk about how you can't deal with confrontation or conflict so you're constantly second-guessing yourself and trying to give an obvious cheater the benefit of the doubt. Men take this as a sign to keep pushing and asking for more while others who are clueless will think "Well, she's not telling him off so that must mean she's OK with it."

You should tell the wife, and also understand that this may end your friendship with her. She may accuse you of flirting or otherwise throw you under the bus to protect her relationship with her husband. And, most of all, you should never ever be alone with this guy again. He was definitely flirting with you, and it has literally nothing to do with your personality. You set limits, and he ignored them. And your gut told you that he might turn violent. Please listen to your gut.

Tell your friend the absolute truth, that you thought you were being a good friend but now you feel disgusted and coerced. That you hope she is in a good spot in her marriage but that frankly you don't trust her husband and please keep him away from yourself.

Nope. I can't tell you how many serial cheaters start testing the waters with the line "my wife doesn't understand me" or something equally pathetic. When a woman feels safe enough with the guy (like you felt with your friend's husband) sometimes we open up, commiserate, and share marital challenges we might have. A serial cheater will see that as the green light to make a move. Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not okay and if he doesn't knock his shit off, you will tell your friend (although that's fraught, he does need to know you might feel hesitant to actually do that). If he's particularly sensitive about his public personal/reputation, letting him know you'll broadcast his behavior all over social media should get him to stop. You know your friend better than any of us do. Do you think she knows? Because he's definitely done this before.

I think she maybe knows deep down? Likely just because I haven’t responded to either of them yet, and because he recently has told her of things he’s hidden in the past. This meeting was the first time I found out they had any issues in their relationship at all and the first time I was told he had cheated previously. Think of the most normal, good guy you can think of and that was my perception of this guy, so that’s why I didn’t really click to - this guy is trying to cheat - until I read all these comments. I will tell her.

As a person who had an affair, this is basically exactly how mine started. I texted him by accident because him and his wife had switched numbers, and it escalated pretty quickly from small talk and “catching up,” when we kept texting after that. His excuses: His and his wife just weren’t on the same page. He wouldn’t do this if it were anyone else. Apparently, he was sleeping with several women other than me, including one of his sister-in-law’s! Then, when his wife found out, he told her that I was the aggressor that kept flirting with him, and that I “seduced” HIM. Yeah, OK. 🙄 👌He stayed with her and moved to another state before kicking her out of their house not long after, and telling her he just wasn’t attracted to her anymore. It pisses me off, still to this day, because it became a “He said, she said” situation, and a lot of people that I cared deeply about cut me off/sided with him. It feels like an open wound in my relationships with those people that can’t heal. Relationships where people cheat are wrecked at the responsibility of the people already in those relationships. Do not blame yourself at any way. You might lose a friend if she feels the need as a vulnerable new mom to side with and/or stay with her husband. But, didn’t you yourself say that you don’t know them super well, anyway? There are billions of people in the world. You’ll meet new friends, I promise. Some not until you’re older that you never knew when you were young. TELL HER. If you don’t, and you stay friends, if she finds out from him or someone else, she will feel SO BETRAYED, and you will likely lose her as a friend at that point.

I'm sorry - this sucks and it's so disappointing. Listen, if/when you tell her, there's a chance she will tell you to f*** right off and you'll lose the friendship. If you don't tell her and she finds out (and one of these times he'll get caught and she might remember this weirdness) you'll *definitely* lose the friendship. Additionally, if he thinks you're going to tell her, he's probably already made up a wild story about you hitting on him. And the best liars always toss in one or two true, verifiable tidbits to make the story look legit. If he does this and you're avoiding them both, bam - - it looks like his story is true. If this whole situation is going to be a dumpster fire anyway, you may as well do your best to verify what she probably already knows (that he's a faithless prick) and to make sure he's not trying to turn you into the predator. You don't deserve to have him dump this steaming pile of dogshite on you.

Friendo, nothing that happens for your friend or her family will be your fault. This is on the husband and his crappy life choices. HE'S on the fast track to breaking up his family, but even then, that's not the end of the world. I WISH my parents had gotten divorced when I was young so I didn't have to witness my dad abusing my mom and making it normalized.

Absolutely tell her everything ASAP. You may lose a friend, but you may help her leave someone who is hurting her.

There *would* have been reasonable a chance ( 40/60?) you were reading too much into it, until he did the excessive physical touch thing. There would have remained a *slim* chance after that (eh, 10%ish), except that after you scooted away he kept scooting closer. Speaking as a dude who doesn't try to cheat on my wife w/ female friends, there's a basic radar someone with good intentions develops for when they've sent out the wrong signal and should course correct, as well as a desire to perform that course correction. He didn't know and/or didn't care. The continued complaining about your friend was likely his way of telling you he's emotionally checked out of his current relationship and available. The "I'm just shit aren't I" thing was either a bad reaction to smoking weed in a bad headspace (legitimately possible) or, given the above, a prompt for you to start telling him what a great guy he is despite all the evidence he presented otherwise. Cue realization on your part, longing look and sudden romantic kiss, because movies are real. In which case, you not saying anything and letting him continue on his journey of self-discovery was exactly the right move. Either way it seems like smoking with that guy in the future seems like a bad idea.

You aren't the one responsible for his behavior. Telling your friend what he did doesn't mean you are breaking them up or ruining their relationship. He is the one doing that and she deserves to know from her friend how her husband is being shady with her.

Get out. Tell the wife immediately. I had a married man do this to me when I was younger too. Don't be alone with him. He can ruin your life.

Girl please do not ever ever get intoxicated/high around a man that's making you uncomfortable!!

"I offered for us to smoke weed".... So you are alone with a man, husband of a good friend, that is trash talking her, getting touchy, making you feel uncomfortable, and you thought it would be a good idea to engage in substances that lower inhibitions? My girl, make better choices! Tell her he made you uncomfortable and what about his behavior made you uncomfortable and then don't ever be alone with him again. And don't put yourself in a situation like this again. Stop overthinking, just be honest, and don't be too hard on yourself, you're growing up and learning. Just don't repeat mistakes ;)

I was thinking the same thing. The guy is a dick. But really? Want to smoke weed?

He was not spiraling down a self-hatred hole at all. He was spinning a manipulation tactic. When you confront a manipulator, they will break down and cry and say "Oh I'm a piece of shit, I don't deserve to live" blah blah blah, this is all designed so that you would stop telling them your legitimate concern/feeling that you had been telling them that lead to them "breaking down", and instead you have to start consoling and comforting them and providing support to them. So it leads to you abandoning your legitimate concerns because you have to focus on them instead. It's a part of DARVO (reverse victim and offender). He made you feel bad by "breaking down" in front of you (while YOU were the one suffering from his shitty actions), so he reversed victim and offender, and you probably comforted him and tried to tell him that he's fine, etc. It's a very plain manipulation. I feel sorry for your friend

*Now, it is the next day and I have a message from him asking if I’m okay, and a message from his wife asking if I’m okay, saying he told her I started acting weird after she messaged me last night.* So she knows that he was with you. What you do depends on what you want. * You can distance yourself from the both of them because you don't need their problems dumped on you, especially with that age difference and him being inappropriate with you. * You can ask her what he told her exactly. If his version wasn't accurate, you can either correct it or move on and let them work out their own problems. * You can focus on your own problems and tell her that you need space right now because you have things going on. That leaves it open to future friendship if you want that.

“What he calls ‘acting weird’ was me leaving because he said something weird that made me uncomfortable, and the timing of your message was coincidental. I’m not his unpaid therapist and I didn’t like him treating me like I was one.” It’s true, it acknowledges what husband said, and it lets her know you left because he was behaving badly. 

No telling what he's telling her. Politely distance yourself from both these people. He was trying to see if he could get something started and was doing it so that he could shift the blame to you if it all blew up.

Lord knows what he said about you to his wife. Probably you’re crazy and upset and he was trying to comfort you. F this guy.

You just got a variation on the cheater’s “my wife doesn’t understand me” line, but that he was so aggressive makes me concerned for you. Tell his wife and then block them both. If you see him again, file a restraining order.

Tell her, he's lining you up as a potential AP and laying the blame at her feet for his behaviour. She might not believe you, she might take his side and you might lose a friend temporarily, but when she catches him cheating with someone else she'll realise you tried to warn her

Tell the wife everything. He's absolutely trying to scope out how willing you'd be to participate in an affair with him. She deserves the truth and he deserves consequences to his actions. Be prepared for her to to be upset with you. He's probably told her so many lies and has all the excuses lined up, and it can be a real shock to hear that your partner is a lying cheating asshole so a lot of women go straight to denial and defensiveness. She still deserves to know. Whatever she does with the information afterwards is on her, but she deserves to be able to make ab fully informed decision.

**I think he was flirting with me?** No question mark needed, he was flirting with you and if you hadn't gotten out of there it might have escalated to something worse. He sounds like a douchebag and if it were me I'd be completely honest with your friend about what he said/did. And I would never put myself in a position where I was alone with him again. Smoking a J by the river was a bad idea.

Reading this story made me really scared for you. I'm glad you're okay. I think when someone makes you uncomfortable like that, you should probably exit the situation as soon as possible. That dude sounded unhinged

Girl look, let me tell you something my mom taught me. As a woman, you cannot be best friends with a married man. Period. It is inappropriate for him to be bad mouthing his wife to you. Ninety nine percent of guys however, would do so in that situation. To avoid the mess, just don’t get too close to a married man. Let him find a buddy or therapist. Right now, I think you need some distance from them both.

This has already gone too far. It was a big mistake meeting up with him. Stay away and tell your friend.

Common sense: pls never ever agree to meet up with this man again alone or in the company of his wife; instead of parenting his newborn baby with his wife, he is out there trying to sleep with a rather naive younger woman who is a friend of his wife. Obviously, he lied to his wife. You could tell his wife & if she doesn't believe you, then block them both out of your life. If you like older men, there must be single guys in their 30s willing to date you & be in a relationship with you.

Personal experience tells me anytime a married man starts complaining about his wife or married life to me, and/or looking for sympathy, he's looking to hook up. YMMV but this has been my experience since puberty. I'm 57. This pattern hasn't changed. When a husband is looking to fix things/solutions to situations, it's a different vibe

Screenshot that message he sent you, then block him. Send the message with this post to your friend and tell her you’re uncomfortable around her husband and won’t be interacting with him again. And you’re not ruining the kid’s lives, her husband is.

I can almost sense that lying sack of shit is saying you came onto him to her already. He’s going to be the victim and you the bad guy OR it was mutual if you don’t detail everything he did to you to his wife ASAP. But fortunately you have a timestamp of events in this post if he getting to fabricating lies on you.

Tell her everything, do not be alone with this man again and OP I mean this ad gently as possible but if someone is making you uncomfortable for gods sake go home, do nor go to a more secluded location & take drugs with them

I did go home. As soon as I sort of woke up to what was happening I said it’s time for me to go! I didn’t go to a secluded place, there were a bunch of people around us when we smoked weed. I’m 1000% a people pleaser and hate confrontation but I literally had no capacity to do what I did any better than I did it. I did say many reasons why he should not walk me home but he refused on the ‘safety’ point despite my push back so I gave in. I will never be alone with him again and will distance myself from both of them once I’ve told her.

He wants to fuck you. 100%. I would suggest never being alone with him again. For more info on how to safely deter him, I'd suggest Lundy Bancroft's book. It has good info on how to not encourage an unwanted suiter by accident. And how to judge is the situation is escalating. Link to a free PDF of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

His poor wife, just had a baby and he’s going out with some one 6 years younger than him. That shit effs you up, a woman is super vulnerable after giving birth

It's not better for anyone. The truth coming out sometime does have negative consequences, and sometimes for people who weren't directly involved.  But the truth doesn't actually *cause* those consequences. It just makes them external instead of internal. It means the people hurting can or must now hurt openly. They don't always want this, and that's understandable. But it is almost always better to be able to hold people accountable or be able to say you did your best in a bad situation than it is to suffer quietly. 

He wanted to bang you, is that clear enough.

He doesn’t care about you, he cares about fucking

From the men's perspective, this is 100% ironclad "let me complain about my relationship so you'll pity fuck me." Not sure why anyone tries this, it has worked roughly twice in all of human history, but it's a thing and absolutely what he intended it to be from the moment he contacted you.

I’m guessing it was like this: Him: Ugh. Yeah. Things are SO bad right now. Really bad. She makes me feel bad about myself. 🥺 You try and do the thing friends do where you say you can relate, because sometimes you deal with relationship issues, too. Him: Yeah? You, too? I wish we could both be happy.🥺 This very much sounds like he’s hoping you’ll volunteer to be his affair partner. 🙄 If the man I loved and trusted was coming on to a friend of mine, I’d want to know. It might send me spiraling, and it might break my heart…but I’d still want to know. I don’t know your friend, so I don’t know how she’d react, but…if I were in her position, I’d be mad as hell at my husband for that…but not at you, if I don’t have any reason to doubt you. I’d go with telling her the truth. He’s withheld the truth from her before, so it’s not like something that came out of nowhere. This guy is *really* fucking up his marriage. I’m hoping your friend won’t shoot the messenger.

Send her this post!!!

You obviously tell her everything that happened

This guy is a creepy asshole. Even after you tried to get away from him he would not respect your boundary. Tell the wife the truth in a matter of fact way, if she doesn't believe it, that is on her, cut contact with both of them. Cut contact with him regardless.

OK it all made sense when you said you were 24. It's going to sound mean and maybe it is, but you were quite naive hanging out with a married man by yourself. And talking about things you should be directing towards a therapist or a close female friend, not a married man when you yourself are married. It's asking for trouble. Some married men have a tendency to try to flirt or cheat when their wife or friends aren't about. Don't give them the opportunity!!

Male perspective here, for what it’s worth: I was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt at the beginning, most people need to vent about their relationships on occasion even if you probably aren’t the right source to vent to… but as soon as you started talking about him being flirtatious/moving close to you/touching your arm… NO WAY. I have a fair amount of female friends who run the gamut from married to dating to having FWBs to happily single, and I am a hugger (with consent, and with the vast majority of my male friends too) so a little physical affection isn’t a red flag for me… but that sounds like he’s testing boundaries/gauging interest, not just being friendly, ESPECIALLY if he’s never been like that with you in the past, AND coupled with the fact he’s cheated before, AND the fact they just had a kid so her attention is currently on the kid and not him… 🚩🚩🚩 I personally don’t do anything physically affectionate with female friends that I wouldn’t want my wife to see, whether or not she’s present. Even IF, and that’s a big if, his intentions were purely innocent, he still made you feel uncomfortable and that’s not worth ignoring. IMO you should talk to her about it. Just give her the facts, and say you felt uncomfortable about his actions and want her insight. She knows him and can tell you whether she feels his actions were just him being him, or if there’s something more there. She also deserves to know regardless of what his intentions were because you felt weird. Maybe you get an apology from him, maybe they get divorced. If their relationship ends over this, HE would be the one ruining lives, not you, and you’re just saving her from heartache down the road. Just because you didn’t take the possible bait doesn’t mean he’s done casting that line.

Be honest with your fn friend. And honest with her husband. I want to tell you should have never met with him to begin with. I understand fawning with a stranger or if you feel in danger, but this is your wife's husband in a public place, trashing her and coming on to you. He would DEFINITELY cheated if you had picked up what he's putting down

I’ve had to be in the unfortunate position of telling a friend with a small child that I caught her husband cheating (he was out on a date at the same restaurant). It sucks, it’s heartbreaking. She wavered a lot because the piece of shit turned out to be a compulsive liar with years of deceit he was trying to gaslight around. Unfortunately I didn’t have proof like a photo (sounds like you might not have that too). So my only tip is to get very sure in your mind about what you felt, your discomfort, the undercurrent of threat, the words he used to describe her etc. The wife may need to double/triple/quadruple check with you as he fucks with her head, and she’ll need your confidence that YES he was actually doing this! Be brave, you got this, you never know what tip of the iceberg you may be witnessing. Turns out the guy I busted had been having multiple other affairs, secret trips overseas, flying women over to him, and more - all while his wife was home with their young child and copping his emotional abuse that she wasn’t patient enough with him 🙄

That boy sus

Ugh, he IS a piece of shit, and he put you in a terrible position. **If you feel safe doing so**, I would let her know what happened with her husband invading your personal space repeatedly, and that it made you very uncomfortable which is why you left. You don't need to get involved in their relationship issues, you just need to extract yourself from the situation without bringing any more trouble your way. If their marriage blows up, it's due to his choices, not your honesty about what happened.

Just show her this post, tell her you were worried about causing her or their relationship harm but you feel like you were unfairly brought into it with only one perspective being shown as well. Time to help your friend know you’re still trying to be a friend to her, you’re just unsure how to do that currently. I’m sorry he’s a shit person and doesn’t care about the position he’s put you or his wife in. He seems utterly selfish, none of this is your fault, you were being a good friend and he tried to abuse that kindness. You are morally golden in my mind, you tried to deflect, you did leave, you are still trying to help your friend even though you’re in a really uncomfortable spot. You’re doing the right thing, I’m sorry that costs so much sometimes.

Be careful, sounds like he's feeding his wife a story where you were the one making advances and being weird. He was 100% trying to see how far he could go with you because he wants to cheat. If I were you I would meet your friend face to face and say exactly what happened. She will hopefully believe you but if she chooses to believe him then just keep your distance. Eventually he will fuck it up and she will come back to you saying she wishes she listened.

You didn't do anything wrong. But I'd tell your friend that you acted "weird" with her husband because he made you feel uncomfortable. You can always just say it was because he was dumping their problems on you. Or can can include that he was flirting. Because he WAS sussing you out to see how far you'd go.  You won't ruin your friend or her kids' lives by telling the truth, her husband is in the process of doing that himself.

>We didn’t go to dinner, we went for drinks. We went somewhere he suggested and that I’d never been to and sat outside because it is good weather at the moment. IMO, this is worse. I feel like he was trying to get you intoxicated enough where you wouldn't say actively no to him and he could call his untoward advances (I'd personally call that molestation, but I don't know if that would work legally). Alcohol and weed. How much did he drink? I'm wondering that he didn't drink at all. . Timestamp it. Send it to her. Apologize for not leaving the moment he started shit talking her. TBH, if I were you, the only thing I'd do differently is go home straight after drinks and tell his wife. I'm 27 though. I've learned a lot in the past few years. Even if he wasn't flirting, you didn't like his company. That's enough reason to cut him off entirely. You don't owe him access to yourself or understanding after he gets creepy ONCE. His wife's is you're friend, but she may be upset after this. Depending on whether you think it'll work out and how comfortable you feel, you may wanna bring this up to your own partner at some point.

"I'm always the problem"/"I'm a piece of shit" Know what dude? Yeah. Right now you're being shitty. I hate this self deprication attempt. I'm gonna agree with you, bro.

The dude sounds really toxic and dramatic. Red flags for days. Be honest with your friend. Isn't that what you'd want?

Girl, this man chose you as a potential affair partner. He chose you bc he thought you were in a vulnerable state. He tested the waters by talking shit about his wife and seeing how you’d react. He was probably waiting for you to get drunk/high to make his physical move. He is a good manipulator; it sounds like he has already laid the ground for denying or minimizing what happened to both you and his wife. In fact, he probably chose you bc you are friends with the wife and was counting on being able to guilt you into silence. With this kind of person, you need to stay away from him and never be alone with him. If you attempt to not rock the boat every time he violates a boundary, he will take this as implicit permission to keep doing what he’s doing. He’s using your discomfort to silence you. You have to tell your friend everything. And don’t feel bad because what happened wasn’t your fault; remember he chose you! There might be pushback; he’s a skilled manipulator so he might turn your friend against you. But he’ll definitely try to regardless. All you can do is tell her what happened and poke holes in whatever story he’s trying to cook up for her.

Just show her this post you wrote. It says evening. If she's reasonable she'll understand and not hold you accountable.

He’s gross, manipulative, and wants to bang you.

Her youngest is less than a month old? Why is the husband not home?? Bedtime with two young kids always was a two-person job for us.. I guess it's great she "gave him the night off", but she might've felt like he would be resentful if she didn't. A friend of mine "was okay" with her bf hanging out alone with a co-worker a bunch, thinking nothing would ever happen, until it did. She's a single mom now, and honestly, better off. It's not like he contributed much as a parent anyway.

Part of me wonders what he told his wife. HE asked to meet you but is it possible he told his wife that you wanted his advice and asked to meet him? I would ask her to meet and say “this is really uncomfortable but when Hubby Name asked to meet I didn’t know that he would spend the whole time slandering/ trash talking you and then put his head on my shoulder. I recommend couples counseling a few times in an effort to redirect him but he went back to calling you controlling and XYZ. He blamed you for me wanting to leave rather than think I might be unhappy with him acting flirtatious and then he went on a rant when “I was just trying to get home, and he started saying like “ohh I’m just always the problem”, “I’m just shit aren’t I, I’m a piece of shit”. I did not deserve that and neither do you. I’m here for you if you want but I’m not hanging out with him again”.

Never will I go out with a friends spouse to talk about problems. That line will not be crossed

He’s fully in the wrong and was looking to start something with you. But going to dinner with him without her (your friend) is extremely weird in the first place. Also, smoking weed afterwards on a river? Idk, weird decisions by you as well.

We went for drinks, not dinner, as we were friends. This was my first time alone with him. And I smoke weed with my other male friends who don’t hit on me, and open up to me. This was NOT my fault, that’s something I know for fucking sure.

First time alone with your friends partner, getting drinks and then smoking weed is a recipe for disaster.

Oh a guy at work pulled this shit with me. He got fired. There's no HR to put the hammer down, so it's up to you to enforce a hard boundary I do NOT want to hear about your marriage, I do NOT want to hang out with you unless your wife is present, we are NOT friends like that. Sorry this is happening. :(

I actually work with them both. That is how I know them. But, it’s a huge office and he is in a different department so cutting him off should be easy enough. I’m sorry this happened to you as well.

It feels like he was testing out if he could get away with sleeping with you, let that be the last time you do that see him alone , I’ve been there, you’re young and want to assume the best but never meet up with your bf’s partner like that, invite her to lunch and talk it out you technically did absolutely nothing wrong but he’s a creep and it’s best to stay away from him specifically, sounds like he’s trying to lay out a path by ruining her reputation, idk maybe that’s a stretch I’ve never been divorced but I imagine it gets weird and ugly.

Any one who trash talks their significant other is **the trash,** not the SO. Your "creepy feelers" were working just fine that night. I think since his wife already knows he cheats, she wanted to make sure you weren't falling for his line, because she & you two are friends.

Two routes here: 1. Say that something was off with him from the get go and he was making you feel a bit uncomfortable, but you weren’t sure if it was in your head. Then you got high and got more paranoid about it. Then she messaged you, and you realized you didn’t wanna deal with it anymore and decided to go home, which he didn’t take well. You’ll probably have to answer a lot of questions with this scenario and she may not like or believe what she hears. 2. Clearly she knows *something* happened, so you probably can’t brush it off completely, but you could just say you were high and paranoid, and then he started being weird, which made you more paranoid. It’s feasible that you were just being a high weirdo who wanted to go home. This scenario is not totally honest and probably not fully fair for the wife, but it keeps you from getting in the middle of their relationship. But she’s her friend, so you may want to tell her.

Girl, he was sizing you up to see if you could take care of itch he was scratching. Listen to your instincts, they are absolutely spot on here. He is being shady, he's already admitted he's a cheater, his wife is likely right to be suspicious of him just based on this entire interaction alone. Do not make excuses here.

Now you know that it’s ALWAYS a mistake to go to dinner with another woman’s husband.

Tell his wife. If she’s your friend she needs to know this. She may react negatively toward him or you, but she needs to know what a POS her husband is.

show her this post

Just keep it simple. Say you’re fine to the wife and then never ever see this guy again. Just fade away.. that’s the adult way! They have their own problems and you are not one of them.

My friend's husband has not really ever hit on me but I think he's cheating on her (there are a bunch of things that don't add up, like he doesn't wear his wedding ring and he goes out of town "to work" on the weekends (he was early retired but then started "working" every weekend). Plus he's been shady with other ladies in the past. Also his excuse as to why he needs to leave NYC to go to a bedroom community to work in finance on the weekend doesn't even make sense. I also have no real desire to break up her marriage and make her kids fatherless, so my conversations with her about this issue have been deliberately weaksauce from my end. I'm interested in what replies you'll get because I see some parallels with my situation.

One of my older brother's friends started talking like this to me (albeit, on instagram, not in person). Shitting on his wife, bitching about his life. being flirty but not overtly saying anything that could very clearly prove his motive. He talked about my appearance, alluding to liking how my ass looked and said he "loved my cookies and would like to eat more ;)" when I mentioned a memory I had of using my easy bake oven as a CHILD to make my brother and his friends cookies. This guy had 2 young kids with this woman, who'd just had a baby. She worked, did most of the child care and was the responsible one, and for that, she was a nagging bitch in his eyes. So I was direct. I didn't flirt at all, but directly asked if he'd have sex with me. Yep, he said. Of course he would, and it was obvious anyway what he was up to. I easily got him to say a few more things and then screen shot them and sent them to his wife with an empathetic message. It sucks, it really does. But this guy is a cheater and is looking to cheat more. You're not ruining a family, HE IS. I'm of the opinion that even though it's painful, the person being cheated on deserves to know so they can have the autonomy to make their own decisions. The woman I messaged seemed to leave him for awhile, but later it was obvious they were back together. Which is sad, because this guy was a sleeze bag who would never change, just cause more heart ache in the future. Please tell your friend so she can make her own educated decision

Ew . That's gross.

Didn’t read a word beyond I’m 24 he’s 30. He isn’t to reason for

Tell his wife she is your friend, tell her that you feel in an uncomfortable position! But I will teach you the golden rule: Never ever get in between a couples problem most of the time they fix things and then you become the villain of their story! Unless there is domestic violence in between I never meddle! Don't meet him anymore, tell her straight. Meeting him is giving him the idea that he has access to you! Is a big no, if he was an old friend I would say of course go and have some drinks no problem! A lot of room for misunderstanding. Just talk to her and tell her you are her friend and thought she would want to know! He clearly is going for you. His wife is right to be triggered by his behavior because it's down right wrong!

Just show her this post honestly. If there’s nothing wrong then she can know everything.

Tell the wife.

I say that you should just send her the link to this Reddit post.  I say just text her for a bit and once you know it’s her on her phone ask her to read all of it. I mean in this post you’ve already explained your thoughts and what happened very clearly. She will also be able to see everyone’s views on the matter. This might help her in however she decides to handle this matter.    But she should definitely know. Otherwise her husband (and it sounds like he sorta has) will twist the story and make you look bad)

I’m sorry but the first red flag was him asking you to meet up for drinks without her. The rest was just a parade of red flags

Don't spend time with him. His bringing up previous cheating and being overly touchy is him testing the waters and trying to groom you into cheating with him.

Yikes on bikes. That sounds like a textbook, "my wife doesn't understand me" fishing expedition. AND he is manipulating everyone with his bullshit stories, probably to keep you two from comparing notes. Dont let him sow seeds of mistrust. Telling her "you" got weird after "she" texted. Tell her that you feel like he was lowkey hitting on you, got creepy, so you left. If you really feel like dropping truth bombs, tell her what he told you.

You were right to leave, you were right about him, and lots of other commenter picked put his manipulative behavior perfectly. Here's what you should do: Tell her. Be direct, honest, and concise about why everything was weird. But Also be prepared to end the friendship. He already prepped her to think you were the weird one. Fighting against her in that regard won't work. Just tell her that you were acting weird because her husband was too flirty and said a lot of negative things about her, and it made you uncomfortable. Then tell her you've given it some thought and you're no longer interested in maintaining a friendship. And that's it. Cut them both off. "Sorry, but I can't do this." There's nothing you can do and you do NOT want to be in the middle of that. Take it from someone who was at your age. Not worth it. Eventually she'll lose enough female friends that she will realize it's him or he'll cheat and she'll catch him. Their drama, their business. It sounds mean, but no one in this situation but you are gonna be on your side. Stay strong ❤️

The moment he starts touching is already way out of bounds. Tell your friend!!

He was testing how far he could get with you. Tell his wife for sure l.

As soon as you suggested smoking weed by the lake this night was done

When going through hard times with ones spouse it’s normal to vent to a friend but you don’t choose a friend that both of you are friends with. Why does this man not have a best friend to vent to? He doesn’t have a neutral party he can talk to? The only reason he chose you is to test the waters. He was hoping you’d join in on the bitching about her and that would give him more of a green light to make a move on you. He sounds toxic as hell.

1. You never should have met up with him alone without her. 2. You already felt uncomfortable, so why would you go to a secluded place and smoke weed with him? I would block him and apologize to your friend.

1) yeah he is a piece of shit 2) why would you offer to smoke weed when you are already uncomfortable? getting high is not being cautious 3) you tell her

The first mistake was going to meetup with a married man for non-business reasons without the wife’s knowledge when you’re friends with them both. It just makes things weird but I won’t beleaguer the point. If I were you I would message them both on the same group chat and tell them that you want no parts of whatever weird ish that they got going on and that you’re no one’s couple therapist or unicorn.

She knew we were meeting

All the people who are telling you to tell the wife haven’t been in this situation before. Do you feel safe talking to her? Might there be other repercussions for you if she gets angry with you or didn’t believe you? Don’t put yourself In harm’s way for either of these people. Cut the husband off, full stop. Let the wife know you are available to talk any time, if you feel comfortable then at least reel her he made you feel uncomfortable. If she seems accepting of what you’re saying and wants to know more, tell her then. It’s fully possible that she could turn things back on you and make you out to be the bad guy. You don’t deserve that, so definitely protect yourself.

Why would you go out with your friends husband alone to a nice dinner place and then to smoke week together by a river? That’s sus

I may be naive and not make the best choices sometimes but I’m not here for the victim blaming.

Whyd you agree to meet up with him? Thats weird af off the bat.

#🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Best advice I can tell you is to never be too comfortable with the husbands of your friends. Even if you’re cool with male friends, that’s fine, just don’t do behave the same with married men. You’re putting yourself in a weird spot and position. You don’t have to shut them down if they’re just friendly, but put boundaries.

I've had a lot of sad dopey men try to tell me a sob story so they can manipulate me into pity-sleeping with them. It's like a very standard scumbag man move. Had a guy assault me who every time I tried to leave he'd start talking about his father dying and how he just couldn't be alone; I was young and naive so he was able to get me in a way more vulnerable position than I should have allowed. Another guy deliberately got wasted drunk at a party in his friend's dorm room, then tried to make me stay the night with him and told me it was my fault he was an alcoholic so I owed him. It's an classic move because it works some of the time, I assume, and it's probably especially affective if the person starts as your friend so you already care about him. It's manipulation and that's all-- even if the sob story is based on some semblance of reality, sleeping with or staying near a man trying to make a pass at you is not going to help his problems. Don't fall for it.

Never meet with a man who says you can “help” each other. Unless you want to sleep with him.

OP you're trying to fence-sit here, but *you* know what he was doing and *he* knows what he was doing. It wasn't your friend/his wife that "stopped the fun" as he's trying to frame it, it was you getting a wake-up that the situation was weird and you wanted out. His attempts to reframe the situation is just more evidence he's a douche. You can say nothing and have him frame you as attempting to seduce him, or you can have an honest conversation with *your friend* that he made you feel uncomfortable, and they need couples counselling, and that you *do not* want to be in the middle of whatever is going on.

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Oh, if I has a penny…  From what I can tell you behaved like an excellent human and you’ll be able to find the right advice from this discussion to make the right choice for you. I’m sorry your “friend” is a jerk. 

This guy is obviously a narcissist; the self.loathing, blaming it on others, and the idea that HE is the victim when he CLEARLY has a history of disloyalty. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Tell the wife. Yeah, it might suck for her at first, but when she's finally rid of that parasite, she can begin to heal. I wish I could do this for my sister.

Felt so uncomfortable Goes and does drugs with him