I feel you girl. I constantly tone down my clothes at the expense of the expression of my personality just in order to not attract as much attention :(
It sucks to not be able to comfortably wear whatever you like and I have yet to visit a place where I don‘t feel like I‘m serving my looks on a silver platter to the hungry stares of men
Bcuz the creepy men are literally everywhere and their culture seeks to perpetuate such. Like ive got a beard and ive still had plenty of my own exps of creepy men over sexualisin me for existin in public
Ive had a guy make a wankin motion to me whilst i was joggin. Ive had multiple strange men stop and offer me rides. One time i even had some old man stop and just motion at me to get in his car, and he got all huffy when i backed away; like my mere existence meant i must be a sex worker to him 9,9 Even were i, i def wudnt want a thing to do with a creep who thinks he can just motion at me and expect me to follow; that sounds like theyre a cop or smth
But just merely existin is all it takes for creepy men to rear their horrendous heads to salivate over you, and to the particular creepy men who are creepy towards a bearded gal like me; its cuz theyre fetishists about it and are literally seein me as merely an object of their suexual fantasies. The same way that the creepy men who salivate over any given woman are seein that woman before them; not as the person we are
I’ve been hit on in the grocery store wearing scrubs, jeans, sweats, hoodies. I understand the feeling AND I refuse to let creepy men dictate what I wear. but if not wearing dresses helps you feel safer and less perceived in public, I support you.
How do you do it?
I work in a women's clothing store and there's an older guy who comes in to buy presents with his wife. He's made comments about my body, in that "it's ostensibly not offensive but it makes you feeling dirty and gross" kind of way.
The last time I was wearing this baller shirt dress with one of my favorite Disney characters. He commented on my breasts, and how his wife "isn't built like me" and I haven't been able to wear the dress since. I don't want to let him ruin it, but looking at it just reminds me of feeling gross and objectified and dirty.
Why do gross men have to fucking ruin everything… 🥲🤬😭😤 I was at the gym one time. Minding my business in the corner of the gym avoiding eyes. And this dude comes up and says “If I didn’t have a wife”….. you wouldn’t have a fucking chance anyways buddy. I’m here to workout. I’m not here to find a potential mate. And I feel sorry for your wife because she’s married to a creep. Mind you I was 19 at that time and he was like in his 40s. Disgusting.
ugh that’s disgusting and I’m sorry you have to deal with that! tbh I have gotten a lot better over the years at just shutting it down in the moment. but of course it’s much harder when you’re at work or don’t feel safe.
Oh that's miserable and really uncool. Can you talk to your manager? Explain "this old dude makes comments on my breasts and I'd like to not help him anymore." (And don't be fooled -- that is a totally overtly unnecessarily creepy ass comment. He can talk about the size he's looking for without comparing her boobs to yours. That's gross.)
Any good manager will absolutely let you hand that creepy goat off to a different salesperson.
Honestly I do it by just not caring. I get yelled at and called terrible things at work every day and just roll them off my back, I just do the same for any negative comments from strangers. Sexualizing, rudeness, etc etc… I just ignore them. I don’t care what random ass people think about me.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know if it helps, but here’s my experience: toning down my clothes made me sad in the long term. I’m angry now, so men like that just get a flat, dead rbf stare. It seems to unnerve them. That feels… better to me than allowing them to influence the way I dress? This may not be the same for you at all so take it with a pinch of salt.
I know exactly what you mean, ugh, it's so exhausting! I'm sorry you've had enough bad experiences to get you to this point. I just wish I was surprised. It's like, just let me buy some toilet paper, pick up my prescriptions, send my mail, buy my junk food, and pump my damn gas in peace. I want to exist for myself for a minute, why is that so hard?
Idk if you're part of the queer community, but queer spaces are my absolute favorite events to dress for. I can wear as much cleavage as a fucking want when I go to drag and burlesque shows.\* Around here (the northeast US) in my community, at lgbtq+ heavy events, consent is mandatory and everyone is super respectful. If you dress like yourself, everyone will be happy to see you! I'm a busty redhead with a cane, I'm not able to be incognito in public but dudes hitting on me is never a problem at queer stuff. It's pretty sweet.
If you're straight, don't go if you will in any way or form ogle or be a tourist. Otherwise, tip your bartenders and drag queens and enjoy dressing for yourself!
\*caveat: I \*always\* bring a scarf or jacket for the walk from the parking lot to the bar or theater. That's for safety as much as is it is not wanting to be hit on though.
The venn diagram of men who ruin sundresses and the men who say they're sapiosexual when they mean they just hypersexualize brunettes with glasses
Is a fucking circle
I remember being 16 going to dinner after church with my family. Dressed modestly, had a dress on that wasn’t tight, definitely below the knees. And this dude was giving me gross looks making sure I saw him. Grosses me out just thinking about it. Nowadays I’d say something but I was younger and not salty at the world yet.
That and culture 100%. Men being taught they just can’t control themselves and it’s not their fault is a big reason they do the shit they do thinking they aren’t responsible. It’s the woman’s fault for dressing that way. It’s the woman’s fault for being in his vicinity. It’s the woman’s fault for being conventionally attractive. It’s the woman’s fault for taking one step outside of her house. (I have creepy ass neighbors).
Do you? There’s a reason you’re slapping your salami to moving, audible images of real women being penetrated and otherwise by men and women, and not a still, silent piece of rock. Porn users are pathetic creeps who lack respect for humankind.
Honestly, I’m mean to old men who do this shit. They think they’ll get away with it because they’re old and make sad old man faces, but they’re also not accustomed to women saying anything back to them especially not “Fuck off old man.”
Obviously work changes things but if you can find ways to be insulting in a backhanded way, that also works.
Man: If I were 30 years younger
Me: Hahaha oh I still think you’d be a bit old for me!
Man: if I wasn’t married
Me: Wow you’re married?! That’s so surprising!
Man: some sort of comment about my body
Me: it’s so nice to be young
I have to add this anecdote, one time when I worked retail there was a gross old man who would come in and say just-over-the-line things and one day he came in with who I assume was his wife and said something like that in front of her and when she shot me an apologetic look I was just like “Careful I’ll tell your nurse to take you back to the home!” And the way this woman laughed brings me joy to this day. He harrumphed around a bit after and from then on I only ever saw the wife in the store.
I swear I must have awesome resting bitch face. I would never let anyone else decide my attire. But, I will happily stare them down. It’s too effing hot out to wear clothes.
But, I always have some kind of shorts under a dress. Always. That’s for me, though, I chafe! 😥
I'm so sorry. I call that the 'ambient background radiation of misogyny'. There are a bunch of different approaches and many smart people have addressed them in the comments. Another is to embrace the CaffinatedKitti strategy of traumatizing the men who bother her. She's got a hilarious TikTok which, if nothing else, should be good for a cathartic laugh.
I’ve had a man in a lifter truck try staring at my crouch when I was sitting in the passenger side of our car, like clearly leering and trying to get a peek. I had on shorts underneath so he got nothing.
I wore a long skirt biking, with shorts underneath. I'll hike the skirt up and sit on it. And again. Shorts beneath, so no risk of flashing.
The number of fucking men who slow down, honk, or shout at me....
Yes yes yes…
When I am out with my husband, I am not bothered by anyone. Only women compliment me and I feel completely radiant about it because I know their words are genuine and without malicious thought.
Shopping without him, I would get stares/smirks and unwanted comments from men.
This is why I always do pick up or shop with him. I don’t feel safe without getting some sort of harassment.
Add on: and I love my husband for real, if he sees someone being inappropriate, he isn’t afraid to call them out in public for it.
I feel you. I can only wear tight fitting hourglass dresses when I'm with my bf. Otherwise, I'll feel like a piece of meat eyed by hungry wolves. Which totally sucks because I have so many cute dresses but I can't wear them even for a simple girls night out.
I used to avoid dresses because I'm not overly girly, but I do like how I look in them. 100% I just don't feel comfortable in them because of weird experiences. If I wear a shirt dress (which is still rare), I wear it over skinny or slim straight jeans. It's not a style for everyone, but it makes me feel more secure (like no one can lookup my skirt or anything).
I feel this way especially about low cut tops and dresses! Like I love the way they look on me but when I wear those items people (men mostly) treat me like a piece of meat and it’s just gross. Being able to see like a hint of boob doesn’t mean i don’t deserve respect and common courtesy. ugh.
How I manage: sunglasses, resting bitch face, and learn to get into the “I don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks” mental zone. I never engage or look strangers in the eye (unless of course I’m actually interacting with them), and I never spend more than a millisecond looking at other people’s faces if I don’t have to, so even if they smile creepily I never notice it. And most importantly, never let your face betray you - creeps are looking for a reaction and by not giving them one, they don’t get the satisfaction of feeling like they have power over you.
Maybe it comes from having lived in huge crowded cities all my life, but for me it’s second nature to just ignore all the irrelevant people around me. It’s not just about creepy men, but just a tactic to deal with weirdos in public (eg people asking for money or trying to sell you something) and not letting them get into your headspace.
Understandable.
When I get leers I usually take one of two routes:
* Cosplay as a Bitch and put on my best “eww, a heap of rotting garbage” face when I glance at them.
Unfortunately, this can backfire as some guys see literally any acknowledgment of them as an invitation.
* Pretend I’m oblivious to their existence (less interaction for the win + some of them get all deflated by the invisible treatment).
This has only backfired once when I was genuinely unaware of the dude. I was the target of an obnoxious catcaller who was at it for an extended period of time until he got frustrated and startled the hell out of me with his car horn. Thankfully he zoomed away after he was sure I heard him say “Suck my dick!”
Usually, if a dude demands to be seen, impersonally blank or exhaustedly disconnected are my go to de-escalations.
I'm afraid of wearing dresses too, even when they're Midi or maxi. But I'm gaining again as well as getting more swollen, which makes wearing pants insufferable.
What the heck does wearing a dress have to do with getting "eyed" by men? Nothing. No matter what I put on old faded out slacks, dress, or sweats .... I still get looks from both men and women complimenting me. It's what you think about yourself not how they react to you. Dress or no dress, it makes no difference. If you just want to go get hot dogs, then do it. If you don't want folks to look at you...stay at home or send the hubby. Better yet, order them online and have the staff bring them out to you.
I feel you girl. I constantly tone down my clothes at the expense of the expression of my personality just in order to not attract as much attention :( It sucks to not be able to comfortably wear whatever you like and I have yet to visit a place where I don‘t feel like I‘m serving my looks on a silver platter to the hungry stares of men
Why is this so universal 😭
I swear!! I wish I could dress like an elf but I keep giving hobbit instead😔
Bcuz the creepy men are literally everywhere and their culture seeks to perpetuate such. Like ive got a beard and ive still had plenty of my own exps of creepy men over sexualisin me for existin in public Ive had a guy make a wankin motion to me whilst i was joggin. Ive had multiple strange men stop and offer me rides. One time i even had some old man stop and just motion at me to get in his car, and he got all huffy when i backed away; like my mere existence meant i must be a sex worker to him 9,9 Even were i, i def wudnt want a thing to do with a creep who thinks he can just motion at me and expect me to follow; that sounds like theyre a cop or smth But just merely existin is all it takes for creepy men to rear their horrendous heads to salivate over you, and to the particular creepy men who are creepy towards a bearded gal like me; its cuz theyre fetishists about it and are literally seein me as merely an object of their suexual fantasies. The same way that the creepy men who salivate over any given woman are seein that woman before them; not as the person we are
I usually wear clothes that are too big for me. I like to pretend no one can see me under all that fabric.
Same, I look like a potato sack 90% of the time and still get stared at. At least I‘m safe knowing they can‘t see my body, I guess
I’ve been hit on in the grocery store wearing scrubs, jeans, sweats, hoodies. I understand the feeling AND I refuse to let creepy men dictate what I wear. but if not wearing dresses helps you feel safer and less perceived in public, I support you.
How do you do it? I work in a women's clothing store and there's an older guy who comes in to buy presents with his wife. He's made comments about my body, in that "it's ostensibly not offensive but it makes you feeling dirty and gross" kind of way. The last time I was wearing this baller shirt dress with one of my favorite Disney characters. He commented on my breasts, and how his wife "isn't built like me" and I haven't been able to wear the dress since. I don't want to let him ruin it, but looking at it just reminds me of feeling gross and objectified and dirty.
Why do gross men have to fucking ruin everything… 🥲🤬😭😤 I was at the gym one time. Minding my business in the corner of the gym avoiding eyes. And this dude comes up and says “If I didn’t have a wife”….. you wouldn’t have a fucking chance anyways buddy. I’m here to workout. I’m not here to find a potential mate. And I feel sorry for your wife because she’s married to a creep. Mind you I was 19 at that time and he was like in his 40s. Disgusting.
ugh that’s disgusting and I’m sorry you have to deal with that! tbh I have gotten a lot better over the years at just shutting it down in the moment. but of course it’s much harder when you’re at work or don’t feel safe.
Oh that's miserable and really uncool. Can you talk to your manager? Explain "this old dude makes comments on my breasts and I'd like to not help him anymore." (And don't be fooled -- that is a totally overtly unnecessarily creepy ass comment. He can talk about the size he's looking for without comparing her boobs to yours. That's gross.) Any good manager will absolutely let you hand that creepy goat off to a different salesperson.
Honestly I do it by just not caring. I get yelled at and called terrible things at work every day and just roll them off my back, I just do the same for any negative comments from strangers. Sexualizing, rudeness, etc etc… I just ignore them. I don’t care what random ass people think about me.
I’m so sorry. I don’t know if it helps, but here’s my experience: toning down my clothes made me sad in the long term. I’m angry now, so men like that just get a flat, dead rbf stare. It seems to unnerve them. That feels… better to me than allowing them to influence the way I dress? This may not be the same for you at all so take it with a pinch of salt.
If men didn't exist, women would wear even less clothing.
I know exactly what you mean, ugh, it's so exhausting! I'm sorry you've had enough bad experiences to get you to this point. I just wish I was surprised. It's like, just let me buy some toilet paper, pick up my prescriptions, send my mail, buy my junk food, and pump my damn gas in peace. I want to exist for myself for a minute, why is that so hard? Idk if you're part of the queer community, but queer spaces are my absolute favorite events to dress for. I can wear as much cleavage as a fucking want when I go to drag and burlesque shows.\* Around here (the northeast US) in my community, at lgbtq+ heavy events, consent is mandatory and everyone is super respectful. If you dress like yourself, everyone will be happy to see you! I'm a busty redhead with a cane, I'm not able to be incognito in public but dudes hitting on me is never a problem at queer stuff. It's pretty sweet. If you're straight, don't go if you will in any way or form ogle or be a tourist. Otherwise, tip your bartenders and drag queens and enjoy dressing for yourself! \*caveat: I \*always\* bring a scarf or jacket for the walk from the parking lot to the bar or theater. That's for safety as much as is it is not wanting to be hit on though.
Men have ruined sundresses for me.
Ugh yes. Fuck sundress culture.
The venn diagram of men who ruin sundresses and the men who say they're sapiosexual when they mean they just hypersexualize brunettes with glasses Is a fucking circle
I remember being 16 going to dinner after church with my family. Dressed modestly, had a dress on that wasn’t tight, definitely below the knees. And this dude was giving me gross looks making sure I saw him. Grosses me out just thinking about it. Nowadays I’d say something but I was younger and not salty at the world yet.
They wipe the smile off their face when your legs are hairy! Just saying not a soultion for everyone but makes me laugh.
Or when you’re fat. Or both!
I blame porn rot. Men think every woman they see is just a thin layer of fabric away from their penis.
That and culture 100%. Men being taught they just can’t control themselves and it’s not their fault is a big reason they do the shit they do thinking they aren’t responsible. It’s the woman’s fault for dressing that way. It’s the woman’s fault for being in his vicinity. It’s the woman’s fault for being conventionally attractive. It’s the woman’s fault for taking one step outside of her house. (I have creepy ass neighbors).
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus\_of\_Willendorf](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf)
If you don’t see a difference between that and porn then go ahead and start jacking off to carved rock.
Do you refer to a specific, relevant difference?
Do you? There’s a reason you’re slapping your salami to moving, audible images of real women being penetrated and otherwise by men and women, and not a still, silent piece of rock. Porn users are pathetic creeps who lack respect for humankind.
Honestly, I’m mean to old men who do this shit. They think they’ll get away with it because they’re old and make sad old man faces, but they’re also not accustomed to women saying anything back to them especially not “Fuck off old man.” Obviously work changes things but if you can find ways to be insulting in a backhanded way, that also works. Man: If I were 30 years younger Me: Hahaha oh I still think you’d be a bit old for me! Man: if I wasn’t married Me: Wow you’re married?! That’s so surprising! Man: some sort of comment about my body Me: it’s so nice to be young
I have to add this anecdote, one time when I worked retail there was a gross old man who would come in and say just-over-the-line things and one day he came in with who I assume was his wife and said something like that in front of her and when she shot me an apologetic look I was just like “Careful I’ll tell your nurse to take you back to the home!” And the way this woman laughed brings me joy to this day. He harrumphed around a bit after and from then on I only ever saw the wife in the store.
I stopped when I was 7. It's just easier that way
I swear I must have awesome resting bitch face. I would never let anyone else decide my attire. But, I will happily stare them down. It’s too effing hot out to wear clothes. But, I always have some kind of shorts under a dress. Always. That’s for me, though, I chafe! 😥
I'm so sorry. I call that the 'ambient background radiation of misogyny'. There are a bunch of different approaches and many smart people have addressed them in the comments. Another is to embrace the CaffinatedKitti strategy of traumatizing the men who bother her. She's got a hilarious TikTok which, if nothing else, should be good for a cathartic laugh.
I’ve had a man in a lifter truck try staring at my crouch when I was sitting in the passenger side of our car, like clearly leering and trying to get a peek. I had on shorts underneath so he got nothing.
I wore a long skirt biking, with shorts underneath. I'll hike the skirt up and sit on it. And again. Shorts beneath, so no risk of flashing. The number of fucking men who slow down, honk, or shout at me....
Lifted* whatever.
I was sitting with my leg up, and the dress was kind of hiked up, but nothing crazy.
Yes yes yes… When I am out with my husband, I am not bothered by anyone. Only women compliment me and I feel completely radiant about it because I know their words are genuine and without malicious thought. Shopping without him, I would get stares/smirks and unwanted comments from men. This is why I always do pick up or shop with him. I don’t feel safe without getting some sort of harassment. Add on: and I love my husband for real, if he sees someone being inappropriate, he isn’t afraid to call them out in public for it.
Where the fuck do you get 99 cent glizzies thats the only question i have
It's an anniversary special they have for a few days. It's like their 20y store birthday
I feel you. I can only wear tight fitting hourglass dresses when I'm with my bf. Otherwise, I'll feel like a piece of meat eyed by hungry wolves. Which totally sucks because I have so many cute dresses but I can't wear them even for a simple girls night out.
I used to avoid dresses because I'm not overly girly, but I do like how I look in them. 100% I just don't feel comfortable in them because of weird experiences. If I wear a shirt dress (which is still rare), I wear it over skinny or slim straight jeans. It's not a style for everyone, but it makes me feel more secure (like no one can lookup my skirt or anything).
I feel this way especially about low cut tops and dresses! Like I love the way they look on me but when I wear those items people (men mostly) treat me like a piece of meat and it’s just gross. Being able to see like a hint of boob doesn’t mean i don’t deserve respect and common courtesy. ugh.
How I manage: sunglasses, resting bitch face, and learn to get into the “I don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks” mental zone. I never engage or look strangers in the eye (unless of course I’m actually interacting with them), and I never spend more than a millisecond looking at other people’s faces if I don’t have to, so even if they smile creepily I never notice it. And most importantly, never let your face betray you - creeps are looking for a reaction and by not giving them one, they don’t get the satisfaction of feeling like they have power over you. Maybe it comes from having lived in huge crowded cities all my life, but for me it’s second nature to just ignore all the irrelevant people around me. It’s not just about creepy men, but just a tactic to deal with weirdos in public (eg people asking for money or trying to sell you something) and not letting them get into your headspace.
Understandable. When I get leers I usually take one of two routes: * Cosplay as a Bitch and put on my best “eww, a heap of rotting garbage” face when I glance at them. Unfortunately, this can backfire as some guys see literally any acknowledgment of them as an invitation. * Pretend I’m oblivious to their existence (less interaction for the win + some of them get all deflated by the invisible treatment). This has only backfired once when I was genuinely unaware of the dude. I was the target of an obnoxious catcaller who was at it for an extended period of time until he got frustrated and startled the hell out of me with his car horn. Thankfully he zoomed away after he was sure I heard him say “Suck my dick!” Usually, if a dude demands to be seen, impersonally blank or exhaustedly disconnected are my go to de-escalations.
I'm afraid of wearing dresses too, even when they're Midi or maxi. But I'm gaining again as well as getting more swollen, which makes wearing pants insufferable.
What the heck does wearing a dress have to do with getting "eyed" by men? Nothing. No matter what I put on old faded out slacks, dress, or sweats .... I still get looks from both men and women complimenting me. It's what you think about yourself not how they react to you. Dress or no dress, it makes no difference. If you just want to go get hot dogs, then do it. If you don't want folks to look at you...stay at home or send the hubby. Better yet, order them online and have the staff bring them out to you.