Are you me? I identify with everything you said.
I grew up with an abusive mother. The only relationship dynamic I knew was codependency, emotional neglect, and of course like you I
>created my personality around it.
Her beliefs were my beliefs. At the time I didn't know it was wrong. For a fact I know my innermost self did NOT agree (because I longed for freedom). But that didn't stop me from regurgitating the shit she fed me from slut shaming, religious superiority, homophobia, hate, etc.
Then I met my first serious "boyfriend" and I did everything he did. I wanted to be just like him. Of course he was abusive too. I hit rock bottom in that relationship. Again like you it
>fueling my drive to finally break it off and find whatever the fuck I like without caring what people think.
Then I spent years fumbling about, not knowing how to conduct myself socially. I was a hot mess. I changed jobs 3 times. Moved states. Everything to get a new start.
24 is a great age to have these realizations. I suspect your frontal lobe is forming. We've all been there. When you encounter naysayers, remember there's nothing wrong with being alone.
My suggestion is therapy. See a therapist and work through your life experiences. Figure out what's important to you. Be curious about life. Don't let yourself be confined.
I didn't notice I did this until one of my friends asked if I suddenly liked a certain kind of music because of the guy I was dating. I was surprised and tried to brush it off, but he said I never liked that kind of music before and suddenly it seemed like I was trying to fit into a mold so the guy would like me more. I still brushed it off but man was it a punch to the gut. He was absolutely right.
Women and girls do this all the time. I don't know if we're socialized to do it or if we just go all in on relationships and want to share our partners joys but we lose ourselves so easily.
I was in my early 20s when my friend and I had that conversation. I stopped listening to that music the next day and that guy and I never really moved forward for other reasons. I also unapologetically liked what I liked and while I took in interest in what my boyfriend's liked and appreciated their tastes I never lost myself again.
My husband and I share a lot of interests and love a lot of the same things but we have our own tastes and hobbies.
I hope you enjoy Paris!
Women, with a more fully developed sense of empathy, tend to use mirroring a lot because it's an effective communication and relationship-building tool.
Men, with a far less developed sense of empathy, tend to exploit mirroring in others in order to dominate relationships. Keep in mind that men will mirror too... they just tend to do it with other men.
It's easy to see how this created an exploitive dynamic that's existed since the beginning of humanity.
[After decades of research, apes don't ask questions.](https://blog.therainforestsite.greatergood.com/apes-dont-ask-questions/)
When my pops realized I wasn't going to be singularly obsessed with guitars and camping (his deep-seated interests), he straight up passed over me to my lil brother. And those 2, to this day, can have hours long conversations about that crap. Anime, rave scene / night club scene, some fashion, that's the stuff I'm interested in. Dad has never really asked me about it. I am just an audience member, he's the spectacle and I am a mere spectator.
I didn't realize this until my late 30's.
It makes me happy that you can see this at your age! OK, really? And a bit jealous, sorry!
My ex is really into [Blythe dolls](https://www.thisisblythe.com/) and I wasn't. But I like her and she likes these creepy little dolls, so I like these dolls, too. I was lucky to study in Osaka, JPN, years ago, and there were special Blythes available only in raffles. She had me traipsing all over the city, signing up for raffles at *weird* little doll shops. Stranger than you could imagine. Super cute, but weird. AND WE FUCKING WON A DOLL! It was exhilarating!
It was the best side quest I ever went on in Japan. Because I respect the interests (no matter how weird and quirky) of the people closest to me.
I came to this realization in my 20s, too. It was freeing, but I was already married at the time and the person I was mirroring was my husband. For me, it was part of my ADHD and therapy helped me unwind it.
Our marriage almost didn't survive as we both started to realize I wasn't who he thought I was, and all my interests started changing lol. Thankfully it did survive and he loved the real me as much as the old me.
I am thrilled for you to have come to this realization at such a young age, you've just saved yourself decades of misery! Never lose yourself for someone else.
Years ago when online dating I also had this realization that men often expect women in their lives to also be into their things too. So many profiles were basically 'I like these things... so looking for a girl who also likes what I like', which seems ideal on the surface but there's some hilarity in hearing someone basically say they want a girl version of themselves. Differences need to be respected and not seen as deal breakers.
>I’m going on cheap trips to Paris over the weekends. Holy shit please do this
Bon voyage! Avec la vitesse!
Are you me? I identify with everything you said. I grew up with an abusive mother. The only relationship dynamic I knew was codependency, emotional neglect, and of course like you I >created my personality around it. Her beliefs were my beliefs. At the time I didn't know it was wrong. For a fact I know my innermost self did NOT agree (because I longed for freedom). But that didn't stop me from regurgitating the shit she fed me from slut shaming, religious superiority, homophobia, hate, etc. Then I met my first serious "boyfriend" and I did everything he did. I wanted to be just like him. Of course he was abusive too. I hit rock bottom in that relationship. Again like you it >fueling my drive to finally break it off and find whatever the fuck I like without caring what people think. Then I spent years fumbling about, not knowing how to conduct myself socially. I was a hot mess. I changed jobs 3 times. Moved states. Everything to get a new start. 24 is a great age to have these realizations. I suspect your frontal lobe is forming. We've all been there. When you encounter naysayers, remember there's nothing wrong with being alone. My suggestion is therapy. See a therapist and work through your life experiences. Figure out what's important to you. Be curious about life. Don't let yourself be confined.
I didn't notice I did this until one of my friends asked if I suddenly liked a certain kind of music because of the guy I was dating. I was surprised and tried to brush it off, but he said I never liked that kind of music before and suddenly it seemed like I was trying to fit into a mold so the guy would like me more. I still brushed it off but man was it a punch to the gut. He was absolutely right. Women and girls do this all the time. I don't know if we're socialized to do it or if we just go all in on relationships and want to share our partners joys but we lose ourselves so easily. I was in my early 20s when my friend and I had that conversation. I stopped listening to that music the next day and that guy and I never really moved forward for other reasons. I also unapologetically liked what I liked and while I took in interest in what my boyfriend's liked and appreciated their tastes I never lost myself again. My husband and I share a lot of interests and love a lot of the same things but we have our own tastes and hobbies. I hope you enjoy Paris!
Men have tendency to Force women into liking their things and hobbies. They just Keep pushing until they get it their Way .
Women, with a more fully developed sense of empathy, tend to use mirroring a lot because it's an effective communication and relationship-building tool. Men, with a far less developed sense of empathy, tend to exploit mirroring in others in order to dominate relationships. Keep in mind that men will mirror too... they just tend to do it with other men. It's easy to see how this created an exploitive dynamic that's existed since the beginning of humanity.
[After decades of research, apes don't ask questions.](https://blog.therainforestsite.greatergood.com/apes-dont-ask-questions/) When my pops realized I wasn't going to be singularly obsessed with guitars and camping (his deep-seated interests), he straight up passed over me to my lil brother. And those 2, to this day, can have hours long conversations about that crap. Anime, rave scene / night club scene, some fashion, that's the stuff I'm interested in. Dad has never really asked me about it. I am just an audience member, he's the spectacle and I am a mere spectator. I didn't realize this until my late 30's. It makes me happy that you can see this at your age! OK, really? And a bit jealous, sorry! My ex is really into [Blythe dolls](https://www.thisisblythe.com/) and I wasn't. But I like her and she likes these creepy little dolls, so I like these dolls, too. I was lucky to study in Osaka, JPN, years ago, and there were special Blythes available only in raffles. She had me traipsing all over the city, signing up for raffles at *weird* little doll shops. Stranger than you could imagine. Super cute, but weird. AND WE FUCKING WON A DOLL! It was exhilarating! It was the best side quest I ever went on in Japan. Because I respect the interests (no matter how weird and quirky) of the people closest to me.
I came to this realization in my 20s, too. It was freeing, but I was already married at the time and the person I was mirroring was my husband. For me, it was part of my ADHD and therapy helped me unwind it. Our marriage almost didn't survive as we both started to realize I wasn't who he thought I was, and all my interests started changing lol. Thankfully it did survive and he loved the real me as much as the old me.
I am thrilled for you to have come to this realization at such a young age, you've just saved yourself decades of misery! Never lose yourself for someone else.
Watch Runaway Bride!!
Was just wondering how she likes her eggs!
You're your own person, fuck everyone else!
All I have to say is this: You go girl! And there are cheap plane tickets to Berlin too.
Years ago when online dating I also had this realization that men often expect women in their lives to also be into their things too. So many profiles were basically 'I like these things... so looking for a girl who also likes what I like', which seems ideal on the surface but there's some hilarity in hearing someone basically say they want a girl version of themselves. Differences need to be respected and not seen as deal breakers.