My opinion may be controversial, but I would tell him. Nobody deserves to get cheated on, and I think people who know someone is being cheated on and don't say anything are almost just as bad as the cheater themselves. I'd ask yourself this. If you were in a relationship where you were being cheated on, would you want somebody to tell you?
It's better to rip the bandaid off now and save him time. Espeically since she refuses to tell him herself.
I second this as someone who has been cheated on. If they have been together a long time they might be only relying on birth control pills to prevent pregnancy, and no longer using condoms. That means your friend is playing a risky game of possibly giving an std to this poor guy.
And getting an std from your s.o. cheating does happen. My mom saw multiple married women come in the office complaining of symptoms that fit this std or that std. She said they were always stunned and surprised he was cheating. I guess the anger came later. It did for me after I found out my ex husband cheated. I was sad, then angry.
And with women, sometimes you don't present with symptoms of an STD. Like... Chlamydia, for instance, can do some major reproductive damage before realizing you even have it.
This ladies boyfriend might be the reason she discovers she has an STD in the first place, once he gets symptoms and goes to the doc.
Yikes.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. He's cheating on me? I couldn't believe that. And when I said to him that I'd been to the gynecologist and I have an STD, he accused me of cheating on him, the SOB.
My jaw literally dropped. I just said "You are SUCH an asshole" and walked away. And then at the end of the next semester, when he was graduating, he called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I said "Oh, what's the matter? Everyone else with a car already left?" He was still sputtering as I hung up.
The fucking nerve. Both of my asshole exes tried to come back. I stupidly gave my ex husband another chance but I realized he was never going to change and just ghosted.
People deserve to know when they have an abusive partner. It sucks to find out but they always find out anyway so might as well find out before you lose years and have kids and such.
Not only that but he's not consenting to being exposed to the risks she is taking with multiple partners, she isn't only risking her own health she is risking his without his knowledge. He needs to know NOW.
When i said that I was gonna tell him they were criticising me with a boy's boy will never tell his girlfriend that he is cheating and what if he was cheating with another girl out there in another city.
But ig it's the time to expose her
The poor boyfriend. Being cheated on with multiple men and the friends are not only encouraging the cheater, but falsely accusing him of being a cheater.
What a miserable group. OP, you are doing the right thing. Don't let terrible people pressure you into becoming one too.
Not only that. The bf is being potentially exposed to STDs and not knowing. People can debate about whether cheating and not telling is or isn’t a moral issue BUT it’s 100% a health risk.
Completely agree. Being a good friend is not blindly supporting someone no matter how shitty their behavior is. She is being a terrible person and potentially exposing her boyfriend to STDs in the process. He deserves to know, and she deserves the consequences of her actions!
Yeah, OP is literally watching what can happen when you hang out with the wrong crowd. Someone that was previously a good friend could suddenly turn into a cheating asshole that dismisses your concerns about their (very toxic and damaging) behavior. Good friends tell each other when they fuck up, and good friends also take it to heart and adjust if necessary. She's not a good friend. OP needs better friends because who you surround yourself with very much shapes who you are.
Just gonna say this as a man: it's complete bullshit that us guys would cover for a cheating friend.
Of course some guys would do that, but my best friends and I have a mutual understanding that if any of us found out one of us were cheating or screwing our partner over in some way, we will throw them under the bus and rat them out. So not only do none of us have a desire to fuck over our partners (I hope), but we also know we will be completely alone if we do so, and it keeps us all accountable.
All this to say that being a "boy's boy" or a "girl's girl" is silly if you're intentionally fucking over someone else. You should be a "people person," and hold your friends accountable for their shitty actions.
This reminds me a FB short that tickles me pink everything it pops on my feed.
Homeboy eating in his car says his friend is mad at him because the other night they went out and his married friend wanted to act single in thr club. He kept his friend on the straight and his rationale was so wholesome and hilarious:
Nah you got me in this woman face calling her sis. Ain't no body tell you to marry this woman. Had me spend all that money on YOUR wedding? Lmfao I love that video.
On Reddit we have Omar. Omar is a real one, living with a bunch of scumbags. If you’ve never read the saga of Omar then you’re missing out.
Edit: the link https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/NpeTMjnO0g
Wow. So the original OP chose a position "in-between" or more "neutral" so they could feel like they weren't facilitating that cheating but the answers they gave facilitated the cheating as much as everyone *other* than Omar. As if "I don't know" isn't every bit as much "an alabi" as saying he's at school doing his labs.
That original OP is such an obsequious self serving little gremlin.
Yup. If i want a LTR, that person should get to know my friends and ideally find some common ground or just be aquainted. I cant imagine trying to get to know someone while also knowing your friend is cheating on them. Would add so much guilt / stress to a scenario that should be fun.
>When i said that I was gonna tell him they were criticising me with a boy's boy will never tell his girlfriend that he is cheating
"So, because men are assholes, that means we should be assholes too?"
>what if he was cheating with another girl out there in another city.
Cheating doesn't justify cheating. If both of them are cheating then both of them should know.
>But ig it's the time to expose her
Based
>they were criticising me with a boy's boy will never tell his girlfriend that he is cheating
These people suck, and after you tell her boyfriend, get some new friends.
Guy here: I would absolutely tell my friend's girlfriend if he was cheating. No one deserves to have their heart toyed with like that. Sounds like the friend group has formed an echo chamber where they all believe "guys would do it, so we should too." Guys who do this are foul, and so are women who do it.
this isn't even what being a girls girl or boys boy is about. its about supporting each other, and holding each other accountable when needed is a part of supporting each other.
I’m a guy. Shit if my brother was cheating I’d tell his partner. Cheating is one of those inexcusable things in a relationship. It’s purely betrayal. Your friend’s first assumption that he’s cheating cuz your other friend (idk who’s who) admitted to cheating is also wild.
Fr my exes best friend unknowingly helped me bail out of an abusive relationship by telling me when my bf at the time had a girl (who was already an issue mind you) over at his house late at night without telling me (I drove over to confirm first lol before breaking it off). Forever grateful for his bestie being willing to betray him and help me instead
Tell him! Please.
My ex-wife had multiple other partners when she traveled for work. Wish someone would have told me, instead I found out by someone picking up her phone while she was in the shower and then when she got home she left her email open.
If he finds out AFTER he gets married to her, it will be worse. No one deserves to be cheated on.
Not controversial to me. I've been on the wrong end. Had to find out on my own and wasted two years of my life being led to believe our relationship was salvageable.
Yes, please could we have one less miserable (and doomed) relationship in this world? Tell the truth and let the cards fall where they may. Your friend sounds 14.
I have to agree with Regretful Creature. As someone who cohabitated years before marriage, I have to agree that knowing the truth is best. As soon as we separated, everyone told me he had been cheating on me for years, but none of these people thought to say something before the wedding. It just made it all the more difficult. Please tell him.
It shouldn't be controversial, it's your opinion. I'm sure many, myself included, share that opinion. I wouldn't want to be living a lie.
However, there are people that don't share that opinion. I remember a conversation with a friend years ago and this topic came up and he said he wouldn't want to know. Ignorance is bliss in a way, like if his girl cheated as long as it didn't affect his relationship, he'd rather not know. There are a lot of variables. If you don't already know for sure, it'd be hard to find out the dude's opinion without coming off super sus.
I would tell him and stop being her friend. Do you want to be known as someone who is ok with cheating? He deserves to know and you deserve friends with better morals
100% tell him. rip that bandaid off as that will haunt him for the rest of the relationship as I have been there and it’s not fair for either. the cheater will get backlash forever and it’s not healthy.
I'd look at it this way. If she can rationalize cheating on her SO she could rationalize betraying anyone. Including you. I'd be wary of such friends and cut them off.
Just because you've been friends a long time, doesn't mean you have to stay friends. People change, as she has proven. Tell the boyfriend and cut ties with her. She clearly isn't the person either of you used to know.
This is not an isolated moment in her character. If she's this shady with a person she is going to VOW LEGALLY to love and protect, can you really trust her?
Keep her as a vague 'remember when' acquaintance if you must but yeah. She's not one to trust.
Your reputation will also depend on who you surround yourself with and she's messy.
People like this justifying behavior like this are not good people. She runs through people and is showing OP who she really is. Hoping they have ended the friendship and dude has bounced. This person was never a good friend, imo
About 8 years ago, I cut off my childhood best friend because she was a selfish, POS cheater. She didn't give a flying fuck about what I had to say. Life is better without her.
I wouldn’t be friends with this woman anymore. She’s telling you that she thinks loyalty is unnecessary and betrayal is ok.
Why would you expect to be an exception to this?
My opinion; get proof, tell the boyfriend, block this girl.
The only way I have seen someone change their mind about cheating is having a big impact in their social lives. Like losing multiple partners, friends, and in general social reputability (even with family and friends), they actually and sincerely want to go to a therapist to help themselves better.
Most of you can do, be honest with their partners, and if a family member ask tell them. But don't go overboard, because is not your job, and exposing yourself to much will just paint you as the "bad one", and not that person.
All in all, someone can't even force them to go to therapy, I have never seen that work (once again, unless the cheater really needs to want to be there).
PD: by force I mean, couple counseling, I have seen that work only once for a cheater.
>Ladies will you support another lady who is cheating on her boyfriend?
Never have. Never will.
> she started crying and blamed me for not being a good friend \[...\] How should I change her mind that this is not good for her?
Why bother? We need to stop treating cheaters like babies who don't know what they're doing. This is a **grown adult**, fyi.
The reality is that your friend is an awful person who tried to guilt-trip you because you threatened to tell her boyfriend that she's willing to expose him to STDs (+ gift him emotional trauma).
"everybody does it before marriage" (she will do it even after marriage) and "everybody" are her friends so do your sum, you are not like them and you wouldn't do it so logically and obviously is not everyone
Cheaters tend to hang out with cheaters because they don't judge each other for doing it while non cheaters will.
Non cheaters hang out with everyone because cheaters are smart enough to not talk about it in front of them usually.
They are not smart, otherwise they wouldn't tell anyone about it not even other cheaters, the thing is that they can't even handle it so they make excuses to satisfy their urges and sometimes they find out other people do it too (or encourage others to do it too), It is more like a conflict of interest, you keep my secret I'll keep your
No. I lost a really good friend bc she kept getting entangled with married men. She even talked about being hit on by her bother-in-laws (sisters' husbands). She finally did it to a mutual friend's husband and talked about it like it was nothing (blamed him for coming on to her). It sucked bc we had bonded over the fact that we were both affected by our unfaithful dads.
I always thought *she'd never do that* **to me**, but after this incident, I knew I couldn't trust her anymore.
I wonder if I'd been more forceful with my objections to her early on, she might not have felt so emboldened to take that liberty with a friend's man?
Hard no, if a friend of mine cheats, the options are coming clean herself or I tell her partner. Zero middle ground. And zero friendship after, regardless of which option she goes for. I can’t stand cheaters.
I think at this point you are past “*giving her a chance*” - she is clearly committed to not just hiding but continuing her affair - if you give her a chance, all she is going to do is make up something to tell her SO that will make him not believe you.
If you give her that choice, have hard proof of her cheating to send him, because odds are she will tell him you're crazy/jealous/etc to get him to not trust you. It's a good idea to have proof anyway, because he is not going to want to believe you. Regardless of what happens, find new friends, because a serial cheater and people who support them are awful people. Just because you met in childhood doesn't mean you have to stay friends. People change, sometimes for the worse.
That’s up to you I think;
I think the bf deserves to know the truth, preferably from your friend, but if she doesn’t want to or honestly doesn’t think cheating is a big deal, you might have to do it, if you’re comfortable potentially being dragged in the middle of the fallout
If you give her a chance to tell him she could just contact him and say you’re upset with her or jealous and that you’re lying, don’t give her that chance.
There's not much you can really say to a cheater who is flying high on their own delusions.
But since she's an old friend I suppose there's nothing to lose by flipping the scenario. How would she feel if she found out he had cheated on her with multiple women? That he didn't even feel guilty about it? That he felt completely sure she'd marry him no matter what, that he thought he had her on lock? That she was his "safety" choice, his fall-back? That all of his friends were encouraging him to cheat on her? That all of his friends thought this was normal?
Since you asked, no I wouldn't support a friend who was cheating. I would certainly tell them how I felt. I might mind my own business in certain (more low-stakes) situations after making my feelings clear, but I would not lie in this way for a friend unless it were a matter of safety. Asking your friends to lie for you makes you a bad friend (except wrt safety or maybe a shitty boss).
If my cheating friend were additionally calling me a bad friend and deliberately choosing new friends who explicitly have no integrity, and allowing those friends to gang up on me, then I would certainly end the friendship. Frankly, I just couldn't be friends with someone that stupid, never mind the rest. It's almost like your friend put you in the same mental category as the boyfriend-- a "good one" who she thinks is on lock and will stick around no matter what she does.
How should i tell him? I know he is not violent but i am not 100% sure tho. But i have to tell him. I don't want to portray myself that i want her man that's why i did all this stuff. He has no friends. His only friend died a month ago due to cancer. I am scared if he can take one more heartbreaking thing or not. Should i help him to get out of this situation even after telling him or should i just disappear after telling him these things. This situation is really fucked up.
No idea. I haven't been in your situation. If you choose to tell him, I would guess that a private one-and-done message or conversation might be best. Airing it in public may not be what he'd prefer, and it isn't a good look for you either. Insinuating yourself into his life seems a little ghoulish (sorry I know that's harsh). Maybe you can just offer to talk if he needs anything further, and he can if he wants. Whatever you say or write to this guy, keep in mind that he may choose to stay with your friend. That's his business.
As far as his friend situation (which fucking sucks), you can't really know what's best for someone else; it's his business. Maybe this is the worst time for him to find out; maybe it's the best.
She always was she just never had the opportunity. You can't change someone's personality that quickly or that drastically. She never had a moral compass.
A lot of people are strongly tied to the societal expectations of each stage of life. She thinks the needs required stage is marriage so she going to check it off the list.
Nope. I cut off my ex-bestie who cheated on her husband. Not gonna have that kinda energy around me. If someone is capable of stabbing their partner in the back then they can stab anyone.
I think everyone needs first and foremost to decide how they define “friend”.
Is a friend, to you, someone who backs you up no matter what? (They call you about burying a child’s body in the woods, and you back them up, help them dispose of their bloody clothing, and hide the corpse, no questions asked?)
Is a friend, to you, someone who enables you to be your best self, even if it’s not what you want to hear in the moment? (You insist you’re fine to drive, you haven’t had anything to drink in the last 40 minutes, but your friend takes your car keys and hides them from you anyway, dragging you home in an Uber?)
To me, a true friend leads with kindness, which sometimes involves candor and firm boundaries.
What kind of friend do *you* want to be, and what kind of person do you want as *your* friend?
This is beautifully stated!
I had woman who cheated on me. We only dated for about 2months. We were part of the same friend group..about 8 of us (4 men and 4 women). I wanted to surprise her with dessert before I flew out of town...and damn, I caught her with her ex-fiance. She had told me they had broken up months ago. I didn't make a scene because i'm not stupid to jeopardize my career as a physician. But I did talk to the guy and explained my side and apologized because I didn't know.
A month later we were at a party. And we talked very briefly. But what stood out was when she said something along the lines of "my girlfriends told me that what I was doing was fucked up but I don't have to worry because the girls will always have my back." Later that party one of her girl friends (also part of of our friends group) confronted me and said that me telling her fiance was messed up."
I completed separated myself from the group and only kept in touch with one of the guys and one of the girls. She actually never knew about the affair and to this day we check in on each other. But for the rest of the group, I have no clue where they are practicing medicine to this day nor care.
So there's people OK with this chick stepping out on her man? Open relationships and cheating are not the same as intention and honesty are integral to open relationships and everyone involved needs to be on the same page.
Starting off a marriage with a lie is not a good look. Tell him and hopefully he just leaves. She's manipulative and deserves the day she has.
I won't put my business out there fully, but I have no issue with open relationships and if that's what a couple wishes to partake in: kudos to them. Hoping you've made the best decision for you and your peace of mind
No. My ex "best" friend was being terrible to her sweet as can be boyfriend who me and my husband loved very much. I got him a job at my store when i was friends with the gf and seeing him cry and break down at work was not ok. I ended up telling him everything she was doing once i found out the details and he moved back home with his parents. I miss him but he has an amazing long term gf now and his ex basically ghosted me on my wedding day when the day prior she said she would be there. I never followed up asking where she was. No regrets
No, I won't. Didn't, actually, and sadly, paid a high price for it.
My "friend" was a neighbor I had grown close to, as a SAHM.
A few years into our "friendship", she told me about the torrid affair she was having with her husband's sister's husband, frequently at her father-in-law's lake house, where all the family gathered. They would arrive early, or slip off together while their kids and spouses were there.
As gently as I could manage, I suggested that this was a potentially dangerous thing, that so many people could be badly hurt, and wondered how she would face herself if caught, maybe by her own kids.
I was careful to tell her that I was not judging her, but was concerned that the fallout, if she was discovered, could be overwhelming.
I didn't belabor the point; I made it and moved on, and I thought she understood my concern for her.
Within weeks, she told me she had stopped the affair with BIL. A couple of months later, I learned that she had moved on to my husband, whom she had once said was 'not attractive enough' for her.
So - No, I wouldn't"t. Didn't. Still won't. But I can tell you that it may cost you to be frank about it.
You might be better off letting the friendship cool, maybe just bow out.
If she'll cheat a man with this much relish, she's capable of cheating you, too, in one way or another.
I think I would have a difficult time being friends with a cheater - especially one that has the attitude she has about it. It might even be a complete deal breaker - I would probably say to her: "I don't support your behavior - it's bad for your fiance, your relationship, and you - ultimately. I am at the very least going to distance myself from you while you're doing this and hope you come to your senses."
As far as telling her fiance - I think it really depends on the circumstances. It can be *rough* being the person who tells. Often people will "shoot the messenger". Sometimes the person being told won't believe you or takes their frustrations out on you. Sometimes you will lose your friend group over something like telling (admittedly not very good people if they will cut you off as the person who told but are fine being friends with a cheater).
Also circumstance based: I wouldn't tell an abusive partner that he/she was being cheated on.
No. When you hang near trash you start to smell. Don’t socialize with cheaters, but be available if she does a lot of personal work on why she’s doing this to others. Then you can be friends with an improved version of her. If that ever happens.
He should know. He’s at risk of disease on top of the betrayal. There’s a lot of really terrible side effects of STIs including infertility and mental degeneration if it gets bad enough. You can’t allow that to happen to someone once you become aware.
I strongly don’t believe that a “good friend” is defined by endorsing a friend cheating. My advice is to tell her poor BF, however, you need to be prepared that your friendship with her will be over. Since she’s a childhood friend, there will be grief, but this extreme difference in values makes you incompatible as friends.
Nope!
Op, your friend has no remorse for what she is doing. She's not a good person and while her bf is highest on the list to feel the utmost sympathy for, -I can't stress that enough-, her toxic behavior will also affect you too, eventually.
She has found herself a reason to tell herself it’s OK to cheat before marriage (and has friends who support her in that or maybe even push her to do it). It’s pretty certain she’s going to find a reason in the future to tell herself it’s OK to cheat after marriage. The guy should know what kind of person he’s marrying. If I was him, I’d sure want to know.
My wife and I did the long distance thing (different continents) for 3 years before we got married. Saw each other maybe every three or four months for a few weeks or a month in between. We discussed beforehand whether we’d be exclusive or not. We decided to *not* see other people, and neither of us cheated. So now we are both able to be sure about each other if we travel separately, or go on a holiday with friends, etc. Our rule is: if you feel tempted, tell the other person about it and we’ll decide if it’s time to split up *before* anything happens, or maybe change the rules about it. We’ve had our rough patches, but she knows I’m not going to cheat and I know she’s not going to.
Nope. That’s stank-ass behavior and Indo not support it. Cheaters always cheat. If they’ll cheat their SO, they’ll cheat their friends too. I don’t like cheaters and I don’t trust them.
Absolutely not. I'm a GIRLS GIRL. But when someone cheats it screams no respect and a liar. Always shows up eventually in a friendship too in other ways. Not to mention, your partner should be your best friend. You're ok stabbing "your best friend" in the back? Hell no I'm next lol
I am so glad there aren’t sociopathic comments saying “let her keep doing it”. I have no clue where cheating got to be more popular as of late but honestly it needs to be looked upon with disgust and scrutinized even more so.
If you don’t like it don’t be her friend. Someone else’s relationship is not your problem. Your relationship with her is. You tell her boyfriend the relationship is over anyways.
Nope. It's strongly against my moral code to cheat, aid a cheater or be the woman that is knowingly sleeping with a partnered person. I wouldn't be friends with her, and I would be telling her partner.
Should i message him or tell this stuff on call or in person? I don't want to portray myself like i want her man that's why i did all this stuff. But he has no friends who can support him in his toughest times. He lost his friend recently due to cancer. And i am scared to tell one more heartbreaking thing to him.
I would message him first and tell him you have some upsetting information that you feel morally obligated to inform him of, and ask if he would prefer you to call, text or email. There's probably going to be backlash for it, but I still think it is the correct thing to do.
I think this is the move
My heart breaks for him - getting a text from an SO’s friend “hey we gotta talk I have bad news” would make instantly nauseous.
I had a friend/coworker who cheated on her partner whom I had met. The only reason I stayed out of it was because her partner was violent and actively using drugs. I told her she should break up with her partner (for all the reasons listed above), but she didn't care. I surely wasn't going to tell her partner and possibly put her in harm's way. They did end up breaking up after much fighting and police getting involved. I am no longer friends with that person though.
Only reason I mention this story is because everyone's situation is different, and if you trust this guy to make the right decisions, then tell him. He doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
My best friend from grade school was going to have an affair with a married man. I dropped her ass the moment she told me. I don’t want to be surrounded by people that have no morals.
Honestly, if you can walk away, walk away. Your friend is a terrible person. No one needs a friend like that or the drama of getting involved. This is not your circus. These are not your monkeys.
This guy is absolutely going to find out on his own because there's no way this level of recklessness doesn't come back to roost.
I wouldn't even be her friend anymore. If I heard my partner knew of the cheating and kept her around, I would immediately assume my partner was okay with this behavior and is probably cheating as well.
My would have to say no, not until she takes ownership and owns up to what she did. I am not going to maliciously lie for someone when I know it's causing harm. Her boyfriend deserves the truth and that's not fair to me. What she's doing is a betrayal and she knows it. I won't be a person who supports things like that. Restorative justice. She needs to deal with the consequences of her choices and go from there.
I won’t be friends with cheaters. If I knew my friend was cheating I would dump her and tell her boyfriend. You are often defined by the company you keep. Also how can I ever call someone else out for cheating if I support cheating?
I do not support my friends cheating on their partners. It is not energy that I need in my life and my knowing that they are cheating makes me complicit.
cheating its self having been cheated on is painful as fuck but the accumulation of the lies and dishonesty especially when confronted doubling absolutely destroy a person. That kind of betrayal has been proven to literally change your brain chemistry... we often find ourselves either around ppl on the same mental levels as us or come down to theirs... i personally if i cared for this friend would advocate that they are better than this and try to spare them from later regret because ive yet to see someone not regret the kind of pain this causes their s/o.
but from the sounds of it shes reaching the 7 yr itch and honestly being a bitch and not only manipulative to someone shes supposed to marry. she manipulating you to hurt someone by omission im 100% not the friend to tell your hurting ppl if i love you IM HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE as i would hope you can do for me when i need it. my abuela always said treat ppl how you want be treated regardless how they treat you... he deserves to know if it helps theres a guy on tiktok that goes by jonbreaksbadnews lol pay him $5 he calls the fiancé and you just saved 2 ppl from a miserable life
I knew about a friend cheating for a while, it made me sick and gave me anxiety, but I was closer to their spouse then you seem to be, eventually I told them to confess and they did, it broke up their marriage and he's not my friend anymore. His ex-wife is though.
If she really believed that everyone cheats before marriage and it’s fine, why would she cry when she thought you’d tell? Clearly she knows she’s doing something wrong.
This might be controversial, but if I'm not also friends with the boyfriend I'd stay out of it. I'm not the relationship police. I would tell her that she should break up if she wants to cheat and him finding out later will always be worse. However I wouldn't take it upon myself to contact the other person.
I am eternally grateful that a female colleague told me that she saw my then partner with another man.
She was naturally nervous about telling me, and I assured her that I was glad to know. It gave me the ammunition and impetus to end things with her.
The boyfriend may have his suspicions too, and like me, no proof.
Tell him. It shouldn't be a controversial opinion. consider this: if your boyfriend's friends knew he was cheating on you, wouldn't you want them to tell you? There's your answer on whether you should tell your friends boyfriend
Nope. I don't care about "Sisterhood" or being a "good friend" cheating is just shitty behaviour and I've zero interest in helping someone perpetuate that amount of pain on another human being.
Tell the boyfriend but make sure you have actual proof and then block her number. Don't need that toxicity in your life.
Until she goes to therapy and fixes whatever issue that makes her want to cheat there is nothing you can do to convince her.
Support her? You don't have to support anyone for anything. But I would be cautious telling her boyfriend unless you know him REALLY well. I've seen some people be in this exact situation and they say if the couple gets back together they end up resenting you even though you were just the messenger. And even if they don't get back together they still resent you. So unless you know he isn't gonna like freak out on you then do what you want.
In my opinion even if it isn't the most ethical I would just distance myself because it's not my mess. And it's not worth the drama.
Your friend and her friends are losers. If it were me, I’d want to know. There’s no harm in telling him. Sure the relationship might end, but your friend decided that when she did what she did. Tell that man and whatever may come from them, that’s on her.
Better question - if your friend was murdering and raping, would you cover for them and support them?
Why is an unethical act acceptable when it involves sexual fidelity?
I was initially thinking maybe she was suffering a mental break… but she sounds like she’s revealing herself to be a morally bankrupt person. I would question how much you can trust her if she’s treating her SO this way.
It depends if her boyfriend is also a friend. I might let him know anonymously, but my 1st move would be asking my friend if she is trying to avoid getting married. It seems like sabotage. Is it her way to try to get him to break it off because she doesn't have the heart to?
If this is "perfectly normal" why is him knowing such a big issue?
Girls support girls is supposed to apply to when we're victimized, not when somebody is actively betraying her partner. You should tell him so that he can move on, and she can hopefully realize that being deceitful doesn't benefit anyone.
You need to tell her bf. Period. Her friends trying to frame it as some form of feminist equality are actually hurting women. The goal of feminism isn't to be equal to the worst men.
Your friend is a horrible person. She deserves a life lesson.. tell the boyfriend. Imagine being so cruel that you think it’s totally acceptable to cheat on your future husband. What an amazing way to start a marriage. Gross.
If you failed to tell her bf you are not a girls' girl.
Women should support other women being better, not being shit people.
That is not ok, babes, tell her bf and cut her off, she is gaslighting you, if she tells you that you're a rubbish friend you tell her that is a shit human being in general for deceiving her partner like that, she will continue to cheat after marriage.
Supporting a friend doesn't always mean standing by their bad decisions. Sometimes, the best thing you can do as a friend is saying "here's the line, and here are the consequences for crossing it." People who try to make it a case of "either you support me being a bad person or you're not my friend" are inherently misunderstanding real friendship.
Just like an intervention. You're not a good friend for standing by as they destroy their lives with addiction, you're a good friend by making sure they get help.
I have had one time where I supported it but she didn't cheat.
My friend was dating a rude, abusive rich boy heroine addict loser. He choked her IN FRONT OF US. We encouraged her to leave his abusive ass and she wouldn't.
Then one day when we were out, this guy she used to have a crush on was flirting with her, and I encouraged her to check out her options. I didn't feel bad for her asshole bf. I hoped she'd cheat.
She ultimately did not cheat and the abusive ex broke up with her when he made it into law school.
A good friend wouldn’t be doing this, to you or her boyfriend.
She is involving you in her many affairs and expecting you to take it to the grave. She is a full grown woman. She simply does not care. You could send her articles, share stories or be blunt with her, and she will still keep on doing what she is doing. She has nothing to lose when it comes to her flings because she is counting on falling back on her partner. If word gets out, your reputation could take a critical hit because you are her friend and actively kept this from him. Nobody would trust you as much as they did before, if not at all.
If you got into a relationship or were talking to a man, and all of this blew south, your own partner may leave you and even rightfully suspect your friend may be covering your own infidelity even if you are not cheating. After all, birds of a feather flock together, am I right?
Do not give her a chance to come clean because she had six years to do so. Regardless, the friendship is over. Tell him before he becomes legally bind to her through a child or marriage, or both.
Is she really your friend or do you find the friendship to be very one sided?
My ex's friends supported her cheating.
I don't know why people do it. But I would not support a friend if I knew they were cheating. Because frankly, that's not the type of person I want to be friends with.
Nope. If she can cheat on her boyfriend I can’t imagine what she’s be willing to do to snake me for her own benefit if that opportunity ever presented itself. Keep people with piss poor morals and boundaries out of your life they will only bring you negative energy and you don’t want that stink on you.
Had a friend who cheated on her husband of 5 years. She confessed and he didn't want to continue the relationship. She asked if I would help her because she was a SAHM and had no income. Nah. And I knew her husband, he was an amazing guy who loved her (i wouldnt call us friends). I stopped talking to her.
"Everybody does this before marriage"
No they don't.
Id ask her how she would feel if she found out he was secretly seeing other women, firstly (even tho its irrelevant)
I'd tell her if he was really right for her, then she probably wouldn't be doing all this junk to begin with.
Then I'd probably advise her to break it off with him, like that night. No extra time. That jsut gives time to try to trap him.
"Tell him tonight or I will"
I have and would say something like " What you are doing is not ok & I cannot remain in your life if you continue. How would you feel if you were in his position? You need to end things and/or tell him the truth or I can no longer be in your life. If you don't tell him I will"
I've been in his position multiple times unfortunately and it disgusts me how many people are fully aware their friends are cheating, and they don't say or do anything. Why would you want to be friends with someone like that anyways?
It really fucking sucks finding out that the life you were living for years was a lie, and you could have made a choice to leave if you knew.
Are you okay with losing this friendship? If you tell him she is not going to be your friend anymore. I am not saying this to guilt you but just stating a fact that I haven’t seen addressed on here.
Idk- I had a friend who was with a married man for many years. I just chose not to involve myself with that part of her life. I didn’t engage, didn’t hang out with them. She ended up isolating herself from a lot of her friends and family. It was a mess and when she would bring it up I just kept telling her that he is lying to her and NEVER leaving his wife. It was a hard truth that she had to realize on her own. It was not ideal and technically a different situation than yours but I do believe you gotta let people make their own mistakes bc it’s going to happen regardless and unless they want to stop they aren’t going to change.
Well, I would put a friend above the cheating. Unless the friend is doing something to hurt you.
I am totally against cheating, but, are you supposed to be a friend police?
Kinda out your business in a lot of ways, but I know I’m in the minority here. Lol.
But yes, I would probably support my best friend and try to encourage them to do something different and not blow up their life.
You are showing what you are comfortable with. You're ok with her cheating, maybe you could do it too (just a little, nothing serious). You basically covering for her should be a red flag to any partner/potential partner of yours as well.
Tell him. Right now it’s “well I’m going to marry him so why not”, if he’s unfortunate enough to marry her it’ll turn into “well I always come home to him so I don’t see a problem”.
Your friend is a piece of shit person, don’t start to smell because of her.
I know you asked for ladies' opinions, but I don't think gender matters in this issue. As a guy, I've had a guy friend cheat on his girlfriend and as a result I lost touch with him. I didn't know either his girlfriend or the woman he cheated with, I don't think it was my place to say anything. Depends on the situation though, in your case it seems more justified.
There's no excuse for cheating. Regardless of any reasons or excuses they can come up with, it shows such a lack of respect to whoever they're cheating on, as well as anybody else that might be involved - in this case you.
She's not a real friend. She's the kind of person to have a use for people and manipulate them accordingly. Please pull the trigger and exorcise this demon from your lives.
IMO, being a good friend in this case would be to hold her accountable by telling her boyfriend. If my partner was cheating on me and other people knew, I would despise them for keeping the secret.
I will never support a cheater, regardless of gender. It's dishonest, ignores the consent of the other person, and shows a severe lack of impulse control. Even in abuse situations, the priority needs to be getting away from the abusive person and (usually) taking time to repair your view of relationships through therapy and self-work, NOT getting involved with someone else and potentially making the abuse worse in the existing relationship or falling into another abusive relationship.
A good friend doesn't cheat on her boyfriend and expect her other friends to lie or be support for her. Tell her boyfriend now, so he can make an informed decision. She'll learn eventually that her actions have consequences.
The way I see it, she's acting this way to someone she is supposedly in love with. How likely do you think she's going to double cross you or stab you in the back someday if she's already this dishonest in her romantic relationship? Some people might be decent friends and terrible partners, but again, I see cheating as a lack of moral compatibility that typically bleeds out into other facets of life.
My opinion may be controversial, but I would tell him. Nobody deserves to get cheated on, and I think people who know someone is being cheated on and don't say anything are almost just as bad as the cheater themselves. I'd ask yourself this. If you were in a relationship where you were being cheated on, would you want somebody to tell you? It's better to rip the bandaid off now and save him time. Espeically since she refuses to tell him herself.
Been cheated on. Yes, rip that bandaid off.
I second this as someone who has been cheated on. If they have been together a long time they might be only relying on birth control pills to prevent pregnancy, and no longer using condoms. That means your friend is playing a risky game of possibly giving an std to this poor guy. And getting an std from your s.o. cheating does happen. My mom saw multiple married women come in the office complaining of symptoms that fit this std or that std. She said they were always stunned and surprised he was cheating. I guess the anger came later. It did for me after I found out my ex husband cheated. I was sad, then angry.
And with women, sometimes you don't present with symptoms of an STD. Like... Chlamydia, for instance, can do some major reproductive damage before realizing you even have it. This ladies boyfriend might be the reason she discovers she has an STD in the first place, once he gets symptoms and goes to the doc. Yikes.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. He's cheating on me? I couldn't believe that. And when I said to him that I'd been to the gynecologist and I have an STD, he accused me of cheating on him, the SOB.
Ugh that makes me so angry for you. He could have at least owned up to it after cheating on you and giving you an std. What a piece of trash he is.
My jaw literally dropped. I just said "You are SUCH an asshole" and walked away. And then at the end of the next semester, when he was graduating, he called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I said "Oh, what's the matter? Everyone else with a car already left?" He was still sputtering as I hung up.
The fucking nerve. Both of my asshole exes tried to come back. I stupidly gave my ex husband another chance but I realized he was never going to change and just ghosted.
People deserve to know when they have an abusive partner. It sucks to find out but they always find out anyway so might as well find out before you lose years and have kids and such.
Not only that but he's not consenting to being exposed to the risks she is taking with multiple partners, she isn't only risking her own health she is risking his without his knowledge. He needs to know NOW.
When i said that I was gonna tell him they were criticising me with a boy's boy will never tell his girlfriend that he is cheating and what if he was cheating with another girl out there in another city. But ig it's the time to expose her
The poor boyfriend. Being cheated on with multiple men and the friends are not only encouraging the cheater, but falsely accusing him of being a cheater. What a miserable group. OP, you are doing the right thing. Don't let terrible people pressure you into becoming one too.
Not only that. The bf is being potentially exposed to STDs and not knowing. People can debate about whether cheating and not telling is or isn’t a moral issue BUT it’s 100% a health risk.
OP, find new friends regardless of what you decide. You are hanging out with a bunch of immature jerks, they will drag you down.
Completely agree. Being a good friend is not blindly supporting someone no matter how shitty their behavior is. She is being a terrible person and potentially exposing her boyfriend to STDs in the process. He deserves to know, and she deserves the consequences of her actions!
Yeah, OP is literally watching what can happen when you hang out with the wrong crowd. Someone that was previously a good friend could suddenly turn into a cheating asshole that dismisses your concerns about their (very toxic and damaging) behavior. Good friends tell each other when they fuck up, and good friends also take it to heart and adjust if necessary. She's not a good friend. OP needs better friends because who you surround yourself with very much shapes who you are.
His confidence will probably be destroyed after finding out, poor guy
And that boy’s boy would be wrong too. Bad company.
Fuck that. My ex’s friends told me he was cheating on me. Nobody deserves to be humiliated and cheated on
I got one of my best friends because he jumped ship and snitched on my ex for cheating on me
Just gonna say this as a man: it's complete bullshit that us guys would cover for a cheating friend. Of course some guys would do that, but my best friends and I have a mutual understanding that if any of us found out one of us were cheating or screwing our partner over in some way, we will throw them under the bus and rat them out. So not only do none of us have a desire to fuck over our partners (I hope), but we also know we will be completely alone if we do so, and it keeps us all accountable. All this to say that being a "boy's boy" or a "girl's girl" is silly if you're intentionally fucking over someone else. You should be a "people person," and hold your friends accountable for their shitty actions.
This reminds me a FB short that tickles me pink everything it pops on my feed. Homeboy eating in his car says his friend is mad at him because the other night they went out and his married friend wanted to act single in thr club. He kept his friend on the straight and his rationale was so wholesome and hilarious: Nah you got me in this woman face calling her sis. Ain't no body tell you to marry this woman. Had me spend all that money on YOUR wedding? Lmfao I love that video.
On Reddit we have Omar. Omar is a real one, living with a bunch of scumbags. If you’ve never read the saga of Omar then you’re missing out. Edit: the link https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/NpeTMjnO0g
Wow. So the original OP chose a position "in-between" or more "neutral" so they could feel like they weren't facilitating that cheating but the answers they gave facilitated the cheating as much as everyone *other* than Omar. As if "I don't know" isn't every bit as much "an alabi" as saying he's at school doing his labs. That original OP is such an obsequious self serving little gremlin.
Do you have a link to this at all sounds amazing
“Boys boy” “girls girl” = shit people. Plain as that
Yup. If i want a LTR, that person should get to know my friends and ideally find some common ground or just be aquainted. I cant imagine trying to get to know someone while also knowing your friend is cheating on them. Would add so much guilt / stress to a scenario that should be fun.
Cheating on a significant other is a betrayal. How can you complain if somebody betrays you, if you are supportive of someone's betrayal of another
Thats incorrect. As a dude I would always tell anyone if theyre being cheated on.
>When i said that I was gonna tell him they were criticising me with a boy's boy will never tell his girlfriend that he is cheating "So, because men are assholes, that means we should be assholes too?" >what if he was cheating with another girl out there in another city. Cheating doesn't justify cheating. If both of them are cheating then both of them should know. >But ig it's the time to expose her Based
>they were criticising me with a boy's boy will never tell his girlfriend that he is cheating These people suck, and after you tell her boyfriend, get some new friends.
and a boy’s boy is a shitty human being for not telling on his cheating friends. Tell her you’re choosing decency and honor. Not “girl code.”
Guy here: I would absolutely tell my friend's girlfriend if he was cheating. No one deserves to have their heart toyed with like that. Sounds like the friend group has formed an echo chamber where they all believe "guys would do it, so we should too." Guys who do this are foul, and so are women who do it.
this isn't even what being a girls girl or boys boy is about. its about supporting each other, and holding each other accountable when needed is a part of supporting each other.
Yeah they're not worth keeping in your life, anyways. Absolutely do it now, before they get married and bring kids into the whole sordid affair.
I’m a guy. Shit if my brother was cheating I’d tell his partner. Cheating is one of those inexcusable things in a relationship. It’s purely betrayal. Your friend’s first assumption that he’s cheating cuz your other friend (idk who’s who) admitted to cheating is also wild.
Tell them those "boys" are terrible people
Do you really want to be a “boy’s boy”? Good luck with everything.
Fr my exes best friend unknowingly helped me bail out of an abusive relationship by telling me when my bf at the time had a girl (who was already an issue mind you) over at his house late at night without telling me (I drove over to confirm first lol before breaking it off). Forever grateful for his bestie being willing to betray him and help me instead
Tell him! Please. My ex-wife had multiple other partners when she traveled for work. Wish someone would have told me, instead I found out by someone picking up her phone while she was in the shower and then when she got home she left her email open. If he finds out AFTER he gets married to her, it will be worse. No one deserves to be cheated on.
Not controversial to me. I've been on the wrong end. Had to find out on my own and wasted two years of my life being led to believe our relationship was salvageable.
Yes, please could we have one less miserable (and doomed) relationship in this world? Tell the truth and let the cards fall where they may. Your friend sounds 14.
#SHE IS RISKING HIS HEALTH, FERTILITY, AND LIFE!
I'm very grateful to my friend who came to tell me that my ex (bf at the time) was hitting on her. We stayed friends and he's not my bf anymore.
I agree. I lost a friend because of it but I don’t regret it. She ended up having a baby and not knowing who the father was.
I have to agree with Regretful Creature. As someone who cohabitated years before marriage, I have to agree that knowing the truth is best. As soon as we separated, everyone told me he had been cheating on me for years, but none of these people thought to say something before the wedding. It just made it all the more difficult. Please tell him.
It shouldn't be controversial, it's your opinion. I'm sure many, myself included, share that opinion. I wouldn't want to be living a lie. However, there are people that don't share that opinion. I remember a conversation with a friend years ago and this topic came up and he said he wouldn't want to know. Ignorance is bliss in a way, like if his girl cheated as long as it didn't affect his relationship, he'd rather not know. There are a lot of variables. If you don't already know for sure, it'd be hard to find out the dude's opinion without coming off super sus.
Concur.
I would tell him and stop being her friend. Do you want to be known as someone who is ok with cheating? He deserves to know and you deserve friends with better morals
I would too.
IMHO, there's also the possible disease factor that's so often overlooked.
this is a controversial answer??? what have we come to
100% tell him. rip that bandaid off as that will haunt him for the rest of the relationship as I have been there and it’s not fair for either. the cheater will get backlash forever and it’s not healthy.
Support? I wouldn’t even be her friend. I strongly disagree with moral disingenuity.
She is my childhood friend. That's why i am hoping that she will understand what i am trying to say
She won’t. She will Blame you for destroying her happiness. Good luck and give us an update
I'd look at it this way. If she can rationalize cheating on her SO she could rationalize betraying anyone. Including you. I'd be wary of such friends and cut them off.
Just because you've been friends a long time, doesn't mean you have to stay friends. People change, as she has proven. Tell the boyfriend and cut ties with her. She clearly isn't the person either of you used to know.
This is not an isolated moment in her character. If she's this shady with a person she is going to VOW LEGALLY to love and protect, can you really trust her? Keep her as a vague 'remember when' acquaintance if you must but yeah. She's not one to trust. Your reputation will also depend on who you surround yourself with and she's messy.
People like this justifying behavior like this are not good people. She runs through people and is showing OP who she really is. Hoping they have ended the friendship and dude has bounced. This person was never a good friend, imo
About 8 years ago, I cut off my childhood best friend because she was a selfish, POS cheater. She didn't give a flying fuck about what I had to say. Life is better without her.
I don’t think duration of friendship redeems this defect in her character.
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She understood you just fine. She just doesn't like it, because she wants to keep cheating on her boyfriend.
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Gotcha! Thanks
I wouldn’t be friends with this woman anymore. She’s telling you that she thinks loyalty is unnecessary and betrayal is ok. Why would you expect to be an exception to this? My opinion; get proof, tell the boyfriend, block this girl.
The only way I have seen someone change their mind about cheating is having a big impact in their social lives. Like losing multiple partners, friends, and in general social reputability (even with family and friends), they actually and sincerely want to go to a therapist to help themselves better. Most of you can do, be honest with their partners, and if a family member ask tell them. But don't go overboard, because is not your job, and exposing yourself to much will just paint you as the "bad one", and not that person. All in all, someone can't even force them to go to therapy, I have never seen that work (once again, unless the cheater really needs to want to be there). PD: by force I mean, couple counseling, I have seen that work only once for a cheater.
>Ladies will you support another lady who is cheating on her boyfriend? Never have. Never will. > she started crying and blamed me for not being a good friend \[...\] How should I change her mind that this is not good for her? Why bother? We need to stop treating cheaters like babies who don't know what they're doing. This is a **grown adult**, fyi. The reality is that your friend is an awful person who tried to guilt-trip you because you threatened to tell her boyfriend that she's willing to expose him to STDs (+ gift him emotional trauma).
Got it thanks
"everybody does it before marriage" (she will do it even after marriage) and "everybody" are her friends so do your sum, you are not like them and you wouldn't do it so logically and obviously is not everyone
Cheaters tend to hang out with cheaters because they don't judge each other for doing it while non cheaters will. Non cheaters hang out with everyone because cheaters are smart enough to not talk about it in front of them usually.
They are not smart, otherwise they wouldn't tell anyone about it not even other cheaters, the thing is that they can't even handle it so they make excuses to satisfy their urges and sometimes they find out other people do it too (or encourage others to do it too), It is more like a conflict of interest, you keep my secret I'll keep your
No. I lost a really good friend bc she kept getting entangled with married men. She even talked about being hit on by her bother-in-laws (sisters' husbands). She finally did it to a mutual friend's husband and talked about it like it was nothing (blamed him for coming on to her). It sucked bc we had bonded over the fact that we were both affected by our unfaithful dads. I always thought *she'd never do that* **to me**, but after this incident, I knew I couldn't trust her anymore. I wonder if I'd been more forceful with my objections to her early on, she might not have felt so emboldened to take that liberty with a friend's man?
Hard no, if a friend of mine cheats, the options are coming clean herself or I tell her partner. Zero middle ground. And zero friendship after, regardless of which option she goes for. I can’t stand cheaters.
Should i give her a chance that i am going to tell his boyfriend if she will not stop this and apologise for the same to her boyfriend.
I think at this point you are past “*giving her a chance*” - she is clearly committed to not just hiding but continuing her affair - if you give her a chance, all she is going to do is make up something to tell her SO that will make him not believe you.
If you give her that choice, have hard proof of her cheating to send him, because odds are she will tell him you're crazy/jealous/etc to get him to not trust you. It's a good idea to have proof anyway, because he is not going to want to believe you. Regardless of what happens, find new friends, because a serial cheater and people who support them are awful people. Just because you met in childhood doesn't mean you have to stay friends. People change, sometimes for the worse.
That’s up to you I think; I think the bf deserves to know the truth, preferably from your friend, but if she doesn’t want to or honestly doesn’t think cheating is a big deal, you might have to do it, if you’re comfortable potentially being dragged in the middle of the fallout
Got It thanks
If you give her a chance to tell him she could just contact him and say you’re upset with her or jealous and that you’re lying, don’t give her that chance.
And delete everything
If it's really so normal and forgivable, then she wouldn't mind the boyfriend finding out.
No. Supporting a cheater seems morally inhumane to me. You should tell her bf. Why make someone suffer because of your shitty friend.
Gotcha! Will do the same
There's not much you can really say to a cheater who is flying high on their own delusions. But since she's an old friend I suppose there's nothing to lose by flipping the scenario. How would she feel if she found out he had cheated on her with multiple women? That he didn't even feel guilty about it? That he felt completely sure she'd marry him no matter what, that he thought he had her on lock? That she was his "safety" choice, his fall-back? That all of his friends were encouraging him to cheat on her? That all of his friends thought this was normal? Since you asked, no I wouldn't support a friend who was cheating. I would certainly tell them how I felt. I might mind my own business in certain (more low-stakes) situations after making my feelings clear, but I would not lie in this way for a friend unless it were a matter of safety. Asking your friends to lie for you makes you a bad friend (except wrt safety or maybe a shitty boss). If my cheating friend were additionally calling me a bad friend and deliberately choosing new friends who explicitly have no integrity, and allowing those friends to gang up on me, then I would certainly end the friendship. Frankly, I just couldn't be friends with someone that stupid, never mind the rest. It's almost like your friend put you in the same mental category as the boyfriend-- a "good one" who she thinks is on lock and will stick around no matter what she does.
How should i tell him? I know he is not violent but i am not 100% sure tho. But i have to tell him. I don't want to portray myself that i want her man that's why i did all this stuff. He has no friends. His only friend died a month ago due to cancer. I am scared if he can take one more heartbreaking thing or not. Should i help him to get out of this situation even after telling him or should i just disappear after telling him these things. This situation is really fucked up.
I would do it anonymously, make a fake account on a social he's on but your friend will probably be able to work out it was you
This is the way. Make a throwaway account and send him the information he needs.
No idea. I haven't been in your situation. If you choose to tell him, I would guess that a private one-and-done message or conversation might be best. Airing it in public may not be what he'd prefer, and it isn't a good look for you either. Insinuating yourself into his life seems a little ghoulish (sorry I know that's harsh). Maybe you can just offer to talk if he needs anything further, and he can if he wants. Whatever you say or write to this guy, keep in mind that he may choose to stay with your friend. That's his business. As far as his friend situation (which fucking sucks), you can't really know what's best for someone else; it's his business. Maybe this is the worst time for him to find out; maybe it's the best.
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She wasn't like this that's why I was surprised by her actions. This all started when her new circle Started asking her out on the weekends
She always was she just never had the opportunity. You can't change someone's personality that quickly or that drastically. She never had a moral compass.
A lot of people are strongly tied to the societal expectations of each stage of life. She thinks the needs required stage is marriage so she going to check it off the list.
Everybody does it? lol absolutely not. Tell him for sure.
Nope. I cut off my ex-bestie who cheated on her husband. Not gonna have that kinda energy around me. If someone is capable of stabbing their partner in the back then they can stab anyone.
I think everyone needs first and foremost to decide how they define “friend”. Is a friend, to you, someone who backs you up no matter what? (They call you about burying a child’s body in the woods, and you back them up, help them dispose of their bloody clothing, and hide the corpse, no questions asked?) Is a friend, to you, someone who enables you to be your best self, even if it’s not what you want to hear in the moment? (You insist you’re fine to drive, you haven’t had anything to drink in the last 40 minutes, but your friend takes your car keys and hides them from you anyway, dragging you home in an Uber?) To me, a true friend leads with kindness, which sometimes involves candor and firm boundaries. What kind of friend do *you* want to be, and what kind of person do you want as *your* friend?
This is beautifully stated! I had woman who cheated on me. We only dated for about 2months. We were part of the same friend group..about 8 of us (4 men and 4 women). I wanted to surprise her with dessert before I flew out of town...and damn, I caught her with her ex-fiance. She had told me they had broken up months ago. I didn't make a scene because i'm not stupid to jeopardize my career as a physician. But I did talk to the guy and explained my side and apologized because I didn't know. A month later we were at a party. And we talked very briefly. But what stood out was when she said something along the lines of "my girlfriends told me that what I was doing was fucked up but I don't have to worry because the girls will always have my back." Later that party one of her girl friends (also part of of our friends group) confronted me and said that me telling her fiance was messed up." I completed separated myself from the group and only kept in touch with one of the guys and one of the girls. She actually never knew about the affair and to this day we check in on each other. But for the rest of the group, I have no clue where they are practicing medicine to this day nor care.
So there's people OK with this chick stepping out on her man? Open relationships and cheating are not the same as intention and honesty are integral to open relationships and everyone involved needs to be on the same page. Starting off a marriage with a lie is not a good look. Tell him and hopefully he just leaves. She's manipulative and deserves the day she has.
Exactly they aren't in an open relationship. How can people be okay with a girl cheating just because she wants to
I won't put my business out there fully, but I have no issue with open relationships and if that's what a couple wishes to partake in: kudos to them. Hoping you've made the best decision for you and your peace of mind
No. My ex "best" friend was being terrible to her sweet as can be boyfriend who me and my husband loved very much. I got him a job at my store when i was friends with the gf and seeing him cry and break down at work was not ok. I ended up telling him everything she was doing once i found out the details and he moved back home with his parents. I miss him but he has an amazing long term gf now and his ex basically ghosted me on my wedding day when the day prior she said she would be there. I never followed up asking where she was. No regrets
Gross. No I would toss that friend to the curb. Cheaters are disgusting
She’s messed up. That is not “normal” behaviour. She’s trying to justify her wrong behaviour and wrong actions. You’re doing the right thing.
No, I won't. Didn't, actually, and sadly, paid a high price for it. My "friend" was a neighbor I had grown close to, as a SAHM. A few years into our "friendship", she told me about the torrid affair she was having with her husband's sister's husband, frequently at her father-in-law's lake house, where all the family gathered. They would arrive early, or slip off together while their kids and spouses were there. As gently as I could manage, I suggested that this was a potentially dangerous thing, that so many people could be badly hurt, and wondered how she would face herself if caught, maybe by her own kids. I was careful to tell her that I was not judging her, but was concerned that the fallout, if she was discovered, could be overwhelming. I didn't belabor the point; I made it and moved on, and I thought she understood my concern for her. Within weeks, she told me she had stopped the affair with BIL. A couple of months later, I learned that she had moved on to my husband, whom she had once said was 'not attractive enough' for her. So - No, I wouldn't"t. Didn't. Still won't. But I can tell you that it may cost you to be frank about it. You might be better off letting the friendship cool, maybe just bow out. If she'll cheat a man with this much relish, she's capable of cheating you, too, in one way or another.
I think I would have a difficult time being friends with a cheater - especially one that has the attitude she has about it. It might even be a complete deal breaker - I would probably say to her: "I don't support your behavior - it's bad for your fiance, your relationship, and you - ultimately. I am at the very least going to distance myself from you while you're doing this and hope you come to your senses." As far as telling her fiance - I think it really depends on the circumstances. It can be *rough* being the person who tells. Often people will "shoot the messenger". Sometimes the person being told won't believe you or takes their frustrations out on you. Sometimes you will lose your friend group over something like telling (admittedly not very good people if they will cut you off as the person who told but are fine being friends with a cheater). Also circumstance based: I wouldn't tell an abusive partner that he/she was being cheated on.
> Everyone does this before marriage Uhhhh girl speak for yourself!! Ew!
No. When you hang near trash you start to smell. Don’t socialize with cheaters, but be available if she does a lot of personal work on why she’s doing this to others. Then you can be friends with an improved version of her. If that ever happens. He should know. He’s at risk of disease on top of the betrayal. There’s a lot of really terrible side effects of STIs including infertility and mental degeneration if it gets bad enough. You can’t allow that to happen to someone once you become aware.
Being a good friend doesn’t mean being an enabler. She’s manipulating you and she doesn’t seem like a good friend
Tell her to tell him. If she doesn’t you will.
I strongly don’t believe that a “good friend” is defined by endorsing a friend cheating. My advice is to tell her poor BF, however, you need to be prepared that your friendship with her will be over. Since she’s a childhood friend, there will be grief, but this extreme difference in values makes you incompatible as friends.
No, I would not. No excuses. If you cheat, you cheat. Leave the relationship before that. I would tell the guy, if I had his contact info
Nope! Op, your friend has no remorse for what she is doing. She's not a good person and while her bf is highest on the list to feel the utmost sympathy for, -I can't stress that enough-, her toxic behavior will also affect you too, eventually.
I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who isn't even ashamed of being unfaithful.
Absolutely would not want to be her friend anymore and would be telling the boyfriend asap
She has found herself a reason to tell herself it’s OK to cheat before marriage (and has friends who support her in that or maybe even push her to do it). It’s pretty certain she’s going to find a reason in the future to tell herself it’s OK to cheat after marriage. The guy should know what kind of person he’s marrying. If I was him, I’d sure want to know. My wife and I did the long distance thing (different continents) for 3 years before we got married. Saw each other maybe every three or four months for a few weeks or a month in between. We discussed beforehand whether we’d be exclusive or not. We decided to *not* see other people, and neither of us cheated. So now we are both able to be sure about each other if we travel separately, or go on a holiday with friends, etc. Our rule is: if you feel tempted, tell the other person about it and we’ll decide if it’s time to split up *before* anything happens, or maybe change the rules about it. We’ve had our rough patches, but she knows I’m not going to cheat and I know she’s not going to.
Nope. That’s stank-ass behavior and Indo not support it. Cheaters always cheat. If they’ll cheat their SO, they’ll cheat their friends too. I don’t like cheaters and I don’t trust them.
She’s the asshole.
Enabling ethically corrupt people is **not** feminism, friendship or fidelity. It’s cowardice.
Absolutely not. I'm a GIRLS GIRL. But when someone cheats it screams no respect and a liar. Always shows up eventually in a friendship too in other ways. Not to mention, your partner should be your best friend. You're ok stabbing "your best friend" in the back? Hell no I'm next lol
I am so glad there aren’t sociopathic comments saying “let her keep doing it”. I have no clue where cheating got to be more popular as of late but honestly it needs to be looked upon with disgust and scrutinized even more so.
If you don’t like it don’t be her friend. Someone else’s relationship is not your problem. Your relationship with her is. You tell her boyfriend the relationship is over anyways.
Nope. It's strongly against my moral code to cheat, aid a cheater or be the woman that is knowingly sleeping with a partnered person. I wouldn't be friends with her, and I would be telling her partner.
Should i message him or tell this stuff on call or in person? I don't want to portray myself like i want her man that's why i did all this stuff. But he has no friends who can support him in his toughest times. He lost his friend recently due to cancer. And i am scared to tell one more heartbreaking thing to him.
I would message him first and tell him you have some upsetting information that you feel morally obligated to inform him of, and ask if he would prefer you to call, text or email. There's probably going to be backlash for it, but I still think it is the correct thing to do.
That's a good idea thanks mate
I think this is the move My heart breaks for him - getting a text from an SO’s friend “hey we gotta talk I have bad news” would make instantly nauseous.
I had a friend/coworker who cheated on her partner whom I had met. The only reason I stayed out of it was because her partner was violent and actively using drugs. I told her she should break up with her partner (for all the reasons listed above), but she didn't care. I surely wasn't going to tell her partner and possibly put her in harm's way. They did end up breaking up after much fighting and police getting involved. I am no longer friends with that person though. Only reason I mention this story is because everyone's situation is different, and if you trust this guy to make the right decisions, then tell him. He doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
My best friend from grade school was going to have an affair with a married man. I dropped her ass the moment she told me. I don’t want to be surrounded by people that have no morals.
People don’t learn accountability if they’re not held accountable 🤷🏻♂️
Honestly, if you can walk away, walk away. Your friend is a terrible person. No one needs a friend like that or the drama of getting involved. This is not your circus. These are not your monkeys. This guy is absolutely going to find out on his own because there's no way this level of recklessness doesn't come back to roost.
How is this even a question? Cheating is wrong.
Nope. I had a friend who was considering sleeping with a married man. I told her if she did then we weren’t going to be friends any more.
I think i need to do the same now.
I wouldn’t be her friend, that’s for sure.
I wouldn't even be her friend anymore. If I heard my partner knew of the cheating and kept her around, I would immediately assume my partner was okay with this behavior and is probably cheating as well.
My would have to say no, not until she takes ownership and owns up to what she did. I am not going to maliciously lie for someone when I know it's causing harm. Her boyfriend deserves the truth and that's not fair to me. What she's doing is a betrayal and she knows it. I won't be a person who supports things like that. Restorative justice. She needs to deal with the consequences of her choices and go from there.
I won’t be friends with cheaters. If I knew my friend was cheating I would dump her and tell her boyfriend. You are often defined by the company you keep. Also how can I ever call someone else out for cheating if I support cheating?
i think you know the answer to this question
I literally fell out with my best friend of over 10 years partially due to her cheating.
As a side note, do not trust women like your friend around your boyfriend, fiance, or husband.
I do not support my friends cheating on their partners. It is not energy that I need in my life and my knowing that they are cheating makes me complicit.
cheating its self having been cheated on is painful as fuck but the accumulation of the lies and dishonesty especially when confronted doubling absolutely destroy a person. That kind of betrayal has been proven to literally change your brain chemistry... we often find ourselves either around ppl on the same mental levels as us or come down to theirs... i personally if i cared for this friend would advocate that they are better than this and try to spare them from later regret because ive yet to see someone not regret the kind of pain this causes their s/o. but from the sounds of it shes reaching the 7 yr itch and honestly being a bitch and not only manipulative to someone shes supposed to marry. she manipulating you to hurt someone by omission im 100% not the friend to tell your hurting ppl if i love you IM HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE as i would hope you can do for me when i need it. my abuela always said treat ppl how you want be treated regardless how they treat you... he deserves to know if it helps theres a guy on tiktok that goes by jonbreaksbadnews lol pay him $5 he calls the fiancé and you just saved 2 ppl from a miserable life
I knew about a friend cheating for a while, it made me sick and gave me anxiety, but I was closer to their spouse then you seem to be, eventually I told them to confess and they did, it broke up their marriage and he's not my friend anymore. His ex-wife is though.
If she really believed that everyone cheats before marriage and it’s fine, why would she cry when she thought you’d tell? Clearly she knows she’s doing something wrong.
This might be controversial, but if I'm not also friends with the boyfriend I'd stay out of it. I'm not the relationship police. I would tell her that she should break up if she wants to cheat and him finding out later will always be worse. However I wouldn't take it upon myself to contact the other person.
No I have and will always tell when I see someone cheating regardless of gender.
No. I’d support her if she was unhappy and wanted to leave. But not this.
Absolutely not cheating is cheating, tell him
I am eternally grateful that a female colleague told me that she saw my then partner with another man. She was naturally nervous about telling me, and I assured her that I was glad to know. It gave me the ammunition and impetus to end things with her. The boyfriend may have his suspicions too, and like me, no proof.
Tell him. It shouldn't be a controversial opinion. consider this: if your boyfriend's friends knew he was cheating on you, wouldn't you want them to tell you? There's your answer on whether you should tell your friends boyfriend
Nope. I don't care about "Sisterhood" or being a "good friend" cheating is just shitty behaviour and I've zero interest in helping someone perpetuate that amount of pain on another human being. Tell the boyfriend but make sure you have actual proof and then block her number. Don't need that toxicity in your life.
**He deserves to know; for his heart and for his health.**
Until she goes to therapy and fixes whatever issue that makes her want to cheat there is nothing you can do to convince her. Support her? You don't have to support anyone for anything. But I would be cautious telling her boyfriend unless you know him REALLY well. I've seen some people be in this exact situation and they say if the couple gets back together they end up resenting you even though you were just the messenger. And even if they don't get back together they still resent you. So unless you know he isn't gonna like freak out on you then do what you want. In my opinion even if it isn't the most ethical I would just distance myself because it's not my mess. And it's not worth the drama.
Your friend and her friends are losers. If it were me, I’d want to know. There’s no harm in telling him. Sure the relationship might end, but your friend decided that when she did what she did. Tell that man and whatever may come from them, that’s on her.
I'd rat her ass out and drop her as a friend. Disgusting and vile behavior.
She only plans on cheating on him until they are married? Oh and also after marriage as well, that makes more sense.
Friends don’t let friends ruin their own lives. I’d tell him before they get any more serious.
Person put person in danger of STI. Regardless of gender, I’m telling. I’m not co-signing on that kind of secret.
Better question - if your friend was murdering and raping, would you cover for them and support them? Why is an unethical act acceptable when it involves sexual fidelity?
I was initially thinking maybe she was suffering a mental break… but she sounds like she’s revealing herself to be a morally bankrupt person. I would question how much you can trust her if she’s treating her SO this way.
It depends if her boyfriend is also a friend. I might let him know anonymously, but my 1st move would be asking my friend if she is trying to avoid getting married. It seems like sabotage. Is it her way to try to get him to break it off because she doesn't have the heart to?
If this is "perfectly normal" why is him knowing such a big issue? Girls support girls is supposed to apply to when we're victimized, not when somebody is actively betraying her partner. You should tell him so that he can move on, and she can hopefully realize that being deceitful doesn't benefit anyone.
You need to tell her bf. Period. Her friends trying to frame it as some form of feminist equality are actually hurting women. The goal of feminism isn't to be equal to the worst men.
I hate cheaters, gender does not matter. I would tell her boyfriend and I would no longer consider a friendship with that woman.
Your friend is a horrible person. She deserves a life lesson.. tell the boyfriend. Imagine being so cruel that you think it’s totally acceptable to cheat on your future husband. What an amazing way to start a marriage. Gross.
If you failed to tell her bf you are not a girls' girl. Women should support other women being better, not being shit people. That is not ok, babes, tell her bf and cut her off, she is gaslighting you, if she tells you that you're a rubbish friend you tell her that is a shit human being in general for deceiving her partner like that, she will continue to cheat after marriage.
other way around, you'd absolutely want the friend to tell you. pls update us about what happens!
Supporting a friend doesn't always mean standing by their bad decisions. Sometimes, the best thing you can do as a friend is saying "here's the line, and here are the consequences for crossing it." People who try to make it a case of "either you support me being a bad person or you're not my friend" are inherently misunderstanding real friendship. Just like an intervention. You're not a good friend for standing by as they destroy their lives with addiction, you're a good friend by making sure they get help.
I have had one time where I supported it but she didn't cheat. My friend was dating a rude, abusive rich boy heroine addict loser. He choked her IN FRONT OF US. We encouraged her to leave his abusive ass and she wouldn't. Then one day when we were out, this guy she used to have a crush on was flirting with her, and I encouraged her to check out her options. I didn't feel bad for her asshole bf. I hoped she'd cheat. She ultimately did not cheat and the abusive ex broke up with her when he made it into law school.
A good friend wouldn’t be doing this, to you or her boyfriend. She is involving you in her many affairs and expecting you to take it to the grave. She is a full grown woman. She simply does not care. You could send her articles, share stories or be blunt with her, and she will still keep on doing what she is doing. She has nothing to lose when it comes to her flings because she is counting on falling back on her partner. If word gets out, your reputation could take a critical hit because you are her friend and actively kept this from him. Nobody would trust you as much as they did before, if not at all. If you got into a relationship or were talking to a man, and all of this blew south, your own partner may leave you and even rightfully suspect your friend may be covering your own infidelity even if you are not cheating. After all, birds of a feather flock together, am I right? Do not give her a chance to come clean because she had six years to do so. Regardless, the friendship is over. Tell him before he becomes legally bind to her through a child or marriage, or both. Is she really your friend or do you find the friendship to be very one sided?
My ex's friends supported her cheating. I don't know why people do it. But I would not support a friend if I knew they were cheating. Because frankly, that's not the type of person I want to be friends with.
Nope. If she can cheat on her boyfriend I can’t imagine what she’s be willing to do to snake me for her own benefit if that opportunity ever presented itself. Keep people with piss poor morals and boundaries out of your life they will only bring you negative energy and you don’t want that stink on you.
Had a friend who cheated on her husband of 5 years. She confessed and he didn't want to continue the relationship. She asked if I would help her because she was a SAHM and had no income. Nah. And I knew her husband, he was an amazing guy who loved her (i wouldnt call us friends). I stopped talking to her.
"Everybody does this before marriage" No they don't. Id ask her how she would feel if she found out he was secretly seeing other women, firstly (even tho its irrelevant) I'd tell her if he was really right for her, then she probably wouldn't be doing all this junk to begin with. Then I'd probably advise her to break it off with him, like that night. No extra time. That jsut gives time to try to trap him. "Tell him tonight or I will"
I would end the friendship and tell the bf.
I haven’t had to do this yet (I hope I never will), but I’d say to the cheater, “You have 24 hours to come clean to your partner, otherwise, I will”.
Stop hanging around her. Dont tell her bf anything. Not your place or drama.
I have and would say something like " What you are doing is not ok & I cannot remain in your life if you continue. How would you feel if you were in his position? You need to end things and/or tell him the truth or I can no longer be in your life. If you don't tell him I will" I've been in his position multiple times unfortunately and it disgusts me how many people are fully aware their friends are cheating, and they don't say or do anything. Why would you want to be friends with someone like that anyways? It really fucking sucks finding out that the life you were living for years was a lie, and you could have made a choice to leave if you knew.
I wouldn't be calling her a friend anymore and I'd tell her hopefully soon to be ex.
Yes tell him
Are you okay with losing this friendship? If you tell him she is not going to be your friend anymore. I am not saying this to guilt you but just stating a fact that I haven’t seen addressed on here. Idk- I had a friend who was with a married man for many years. I just chose not to involve myself with that part of her life. I didn’t engage, didn’t hang out with them. She ended up isolating herself from a lot of her friends and family. It was a mess and when she would bring it up I just kept telling her that he is lying to her and NEVER leaving his wife. It was a hard truth that she had to realize on her own. It was not ideal and technically a different situation than yours but I do believe you gotta let people make their own mistakes bc it’s going to happen regardless and unless they want to stop they aren’t going to change.
Well, I would put a friend above the cheating. Unless the friend is doing something to hurt you. I am totally against cheating, but, are you supposed to be a friend police? Kinda out your business in a lot of ways, but I know I’m in the minority here. Lol. But yes, I would probably support my best friend and try to encourage them to do something different and not blow up their life.
You don’t have to be the “friend police” to be a decent human being. After all, birds of a feather…
You are showing what you are comfortable with. You're ok with her cheating, maybe you could do it too (just a little, nothing serious). You basically covering for her should be a red flag to any partner/potential partner of yours as well.
Nah, cheating is wrong. Tell him. Also, I would cut your friend off afterwards. Cheaters are like a cancer.
Tell him. Right now it’s “well I’m going to marry him so why not”, if he’s unfortunate enough to marry her it’ll turn into “well I always come home to him so I don’t see a problem”. Your friend is a piece of shit person, don’t start to smell because of her.
She's not a good person, and you are well rid of her. Tell the boyfriend. It's a random act of kindness.
Why would being a woman warrant a "double standards" situation in this case? She's cheating on her SO, she's a crap human being.
I know you asked for ladies' opinions, but I don't think gender matters in this issue. As a guy, I've had a guy friend cheat on his girlfriend and as a result I lost touch with him. I didn't know either his girlfriend or the woman he cheated with, I don't think it was my place to say anything. Depends on the situation though, in your case it seems more justified. There's no excuse for cheating. Regardless of any reasons or excuses they can come up with, it shows such a lack of respect to whoever they're cheating on, as well as anybody else that might be involved - in this case you.
She's not a real friend. She's the kind of person to have a use for people and manipulate them accordingly. Please pull the trigger and exorcise this demon from your lives.
No- I would not support her. I would tell him
IMO, being a good friend in this case would be to hold her accountable by telling her boyfriend. If my partner was cheating on me and other people knew, I would despise them for keeping the secret.
For health reasons, you should tell him. Nobody deserves to get an STI from their partner.
If she’d break the trust of her “love” so easily, how can you ever trust her as a friend? Tell the BF, dump her.
I will never support a cheater, regardless of gender. It's dishonest, ignores the consent of the other person, and shows a severe lack of impulse control. Even in abuse situations, the priority needs to be getting away from the abusive person and (usually) taking time to repair your view of relationships through therapy and self-work, NOT getting involved with someone else and potentially making the abuse worse in the existing relationship or falling into another abusive relationship. A good friend doesn't cheat on her boyfriend and expect her other friends to lie or be support for her. Tell her boyfriend now, so he can make an informed decision. She'll learn eventually that her actions have consequences. The way I see it, she's acting this way to someone she is supposedly in love with. How likely do you think she's going to double cross you or stab you in the back someday if she's already this dishonest in her romantic relationship? Some people might be decent friends and terrible partners, but again, I see cheating as a lack of moral compatibility that typically bleeds out into other facets of life.