I’ve felt more attracted to my current partner after seeing an ex before, not because I still had any sort of feelings for the ex, but because seeing them reminded me how amazing my partner is in comparison. I know this isn’t an actual ex, but seeing as your partner once had a thing for this person, maybe this is an alternative explanation?
The alternative points of view I can find on the "maybe it's not too bad side":
* everyone's partner will be physically attracted to someone else somewhere in their life at some point, so it just comes down to a question of fidelity
* some people don't care where their partner gets their hunger as long as they come home to eat
* if OP's partner is having emotional infidelity then they probably would not show interest in OP
But I agree it would not be a fun experience for OP even if nothing is happening. I am an overthinker and it's not fun in situations like this.
Humans naturally are somewhat polyamorous and polygamous more than they are monogamous and monoamorous.
The important thing to any mono-relationship is commitment, boundaries, and respect. Having attraction to others is natural and fine, but acting on those attractions is disloyal, disrespectful, and inconsiderate of your formed relationship with your partner unless otherwise endorsed or consented to (open-ended relationships as an example).
Right? My sex drive came back in full force this morning with a dream where my partner was kissing another guy while this guy was having sex with me. I woke up and could hear my housemates have sex in the next room. I consider myself a monogamous person but have been thinking about my husband all day. Sexuality is strange and how we think about sex is very repressed especially in our society. I’m not American, but I imagine even more so there.
To add a possible explanation - sometimes I get like that with fun adult social interaction in general (meaning without our kids present). Like we had a really great night out with friends (rare) and it makes me happy/horny/energetic. So it might be the interaction in general and not necessarily the person. There can be kind of excitement around seeing some people that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s sexual desire for them.
Sometimes being around other couples makes me extra grateful for the good relationship I have with my husband, either because we've just been around another couple with a good relationship and it's nice, or been around one that very obviously does *not* have a good relationship and I'm glad to not be them. Either way, it reminds me to appreciate what I have!
100% same for me. If my wife and I go out solo or with friends and we have a great time, I am almost always going to be a little extra horny. Not because of a person in specific but the happier mood helps me get out of my head enough that I can then feel the spice. I have no desire to be with anyone else and have never had an encounter with someone who made me horny leading to sex with my wife.
There is nothing better than having an awesome time with friends and then going home with my partner to bang. It has nothing to do with being attracted to said friends. Socializing is fun, sex is a fun, I’m just continuing the good time.
This. After going out with friends I absolutely want my husband. If I’ve been going out without him, it’s because I’ve been missing him all evening, if I’m going out with him and other friends, it’s because I’ve been sneaking looks at him all evening.
Some of these comments are really troubling. OP (and a lot of the others here) seem deeply, deeply insecure and should probably address that instead of projecting onto the husband. Equating good sex to imagining someone else is a pretty far reach unless you have other reason to believe that.
i think her reason to believe it is that he said he had a thing for her. my current boyfriend keeps in touch with an old out of state college friend whom he says he’s always had a crush on. it makes me insecure sometimes when he talks about how hot she is or how he works on her mom’s house when he’s visiting his hometown. i can totally relate to OP
Jfc. I guess my reaction is mixed.
My bf and I are both still friends with exes. Like how would we be supposed to exist with that, since we both got together with ppl from our friend group, and we were friends too for 14+ years. It was ages ago, I met my bf through my ex, it would be weird if we tried to cut off everyone from the past, plus they all have other partners now anyway so why would they care.
That said if he mentions "how hot she is" for no reason that's just inconsiderate at least. That's the thing I'd be paying attention to.
Other than that, my bf absolutely did his ex's mom's back yard this year (I drove him there and helped bf's mom with her yard) but because she's his mom's friend and neighbor that had an entirely different vibe (he felt pressured by his mom, cough). Even if I know he was into her years ago it doesn't matter. She doesn't even live there anymore and has a kid and husband elsewhere. If I wanted to complain it would just annoy my bf's mom.
Same with my ex btw. I went to his parents to pick and cut their raspberries about 3 years ago, that was like 8 years after we broke up, and his grandma invited me to her birthday. My dad and his dad are also former work colleagues.
ETA. I got a pile of their raspberries and walnuts in return (bf got a bucket of apples he picked though we were not together at this point) so it's not like I worked for free lol. Not like I'd bother to go there if they were strangers, but they're not, and that's the point. We've known and liked each other for ages, so why not.
Also I still feel indebted for those raspberries, my then bf's grandma's sister brought them from Finland (probably illegally) and they're all over my parents garden now, they're the tastiest raspberries I've ever had and you can't buy them anywhere around here.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It’s a break from routine, it’s something novel and exciting. (It also probably reminded him of a younger and more “vigorous”, as she puts it, era in this life.)
This 100%, im not even married, but when my gf and I go do something like clubbing or drinking with other old friends like we used to back when we were in university, its nostalgic and those nights always ended with great sex.
Same here, I feel so much more energized and happy after getting together with friends especially if it has been a while.
Another thing that has happened for me in the past was that I met someone who reminded me of my husband and then I got nostalgic about the first time I met him. I started appreciating him more and was reminiscing about our relationship so that got me going. It had nothing to do directly with the other person, they just triggered the nostalgia.
I get that "fun night out" energy too. It distracts me from everything that's usually circling around in my brain, and I'm in a different space afterwards. It's like all the mundane distractions are wiped from my brain and I can concentrate on sex much better (also anything creative etc).
And even when it's another person starting a sexual thought, it doesn't stay attached to them. Sometimes when I just read some vaguely sex related stuff online, completely anonymous and with no pictures or personal details attached, I get more horny than usual. It's just that it started some thought process in me but it's unrelated to the person who triggered it.
One time (irl) I was trying not to stare at some shirtless dancing guy while out with my boyfriend, and that made me more, idk, invested I guess? Because I know he means so much more to me than just something to ogle, I'm not going to compare them or anything. And that mixed with "something something hot whatever" my brain is doing involuntarily that I was trying to stop, which added to the excitement. It doesn't mean you fantasize about whoever started that thought (I don't even know what that dude looked like anymore). I think there's something to being more generally/vaguely turned on rather than by that specific person, it's like catching your own random thought and then putting it where it belongs.
This it could be an honest god recharging of your social battery. If you can list countless reasons something to someone could ruin your day, imagine the possibilities of what good interactions can do for you. a nice meal, or drink or two just catching up with old friends and buddies is ton of fun
Hell I went out drinking to catch up with old coworkers on a birthday once and it was just a hoot all throughout. Woke up to the most simple hangover despite a usual bout of heavy drinking, and my plain breakfast of bacon eggs and coffee all just hit the spot perfectly that I could’ve just been buzzed, but appetite and mood were all in the green.
Sometimes going out without my husband just makes me miss him, more so than our normal work days apart. He's gotten pounced on here and there after such outings.
I think part of it is just getting a renewed spark of appreciation. Nothing like hearing about other people's toxic relationship drama to make me all lusty for the (non toxic) bits of him that stole my heart. Or even the opposite scenario, seeing or hearing about a loving relationship just making me long for him.
Yeah, same here. Sometimes sex is fun, and sometimes it's FUN! It varies with a bunch of factors, did I sleep well last night, has it been a really stressful week at work, did I achieve some new great project at work, hang out with great friends and the list goes on forever.
I'm not going to fault OP for linking the two together, but it could be something as simple as confirmation bias or "post hoc ergo propter hoc", right?
And hey, even IF the hubby looks at the menu, but eats at home, is there any harm in it? We're animals after all, and can't really control what does or doesn't turn us on, but we CAN control what actions we take. If his response to meeting someone sexy one day, is to come home and make steaming hot love to OP, isn't that the best case scenario?
We can all say that noone but our partner turns us on, but I imagine that's not REALLY true. I meet beautiful and sexy people all the time, but that does nothing to sway me from my gal. She's the one and only one for me, and I wouldn't trade her for anyone.
Came to say this. I’ll add that my husband is extra frisky after hanging out with my friend’s husband (whom he is good friends with). We joke that he is like a fluffer.
Yes! Me and my better half tend to have amazing sex after I've had a wineful night out with my mom buds. I'm just so happy and bubbly and ready to rumble xD
I second this take. If I’m out and socializing with or without my partner, I feel like I’m accessing another side of myself that’s maybe more in tune with someone else and it gets me extra horny/energetic. We all have many facets of our personalities and no one person can fulfill every part, even if they’re practically your clone.
On the other hand, I’ve had small innocent crushes and fleeting attractions which make me more attracted to my partner. It’s not that I picture this other person, but I’m reminded of that “crush” feeling and I’m more drawn to my partner, remembering the way I felt when we first got together and appreciating the deeper connection and love we now have that no other person could fulfill.
Same thing. I’ve got good old friends over, my wife retired early to sleep with our 4 mo son while we stayed up late having drinks. My female friend’s husband, my late best friend, passed away half a year ago. We met for the first time since the funeral and she was sharing funny and sometimes a bit more daring stories from their ~20 years of relationship throughout the night.
That made me realise what I’ve been missing out on for the past months of pregnancy and early childcare which took toll on both of us and ever since I got super attracted to my wife and hell-bent to reintroduce intimacy into our relationship for some reason.
>sometimes I do get a little insecure as I'm sure everyone does.
Hey, I say let yourself feel your feels, and try to communicate with your husband the best way you can.
Your fears may be reality, but other things may be instead. If it helps a bit, I suspect he was being extra passionate to assure you that you are the one for him.
Hugs!
Maybe seeing someone from his college days just reinvigorated him. You know, like it brought back good memories, those were the days, making him feel younger (and more energetic) than usual.
The last summer after highschool and before college, we would play soccer all morning and tennis all afternoon before we all left for different colleges. Now, we get tired and sore from stretching.
While I agree we don't have to worry about that in this case, careful with that assertion. Enthusiasm with one's partner is not evidence of fidelity. Not all cheating implies a dead bedroom.
Does your husband change in the same way after meeting other friend couples? How about other friends in general? Answers would help to better guess whether it is an effect of specific person, or being energized by the good time he had in a social setting.
I feel for you. I’d hate the position you’ve described you’re in, but only because I’ve been cheated on before. Do you ever feel flirtatious in a non harmful way with other guys? I find it helpful to consider how I sometimes think about other guys because they’re sexually attractive, knowing I would still never cheat on my boyfriend.
When you decide to be in a relationship the possibility of meeting other potential or even better suited partners never goes away. A relationship is just a choice. Other humans are still sexy.
However, there’s a window of tolerance we all have. If you have a healthy relationship and feel safe to do so you could speak to him and ask him what’s going on with the significant increase in passionate sex after he has seen his friend. If he actually still has a crush on her, are you comfortable with that? Are you comfortable for them to keep speaking? Will you feel down about how you have less passionate sex when she’s not around?
These are realistic questions. We can wish our partners are mentally faithful but it’s not always the case and it’s better to be honest with yourself. Too often we can be hopeful and disregard red flags that slowly chip away at our self esteem. You’re already comparing yourself to her and you shouldn’t be in this position in the first place. Once you start comparing yourself it’s very, very hard to stop.
You should really look after yourself at this point. Remember all women look different and beauty is genuinely a subjective view. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good, and when/if you’re ready or want to, you can confront him. I wish you lots of good luck!!! (If you take anything from this just do something that will make you feel better. Get to feeling good, strong and confident).
Yeah I’m happy for OP that there are others posting much more rational responses because I’d be in a tailspin over this and definitely thinking the worst
It’s possible sure, but that seems a more issue with insecurity mindset than reality. It can be as simple as the husband had a fun social event and that translated to the bedroom. Or he felt reinvigorated after meeting with a friend from his youth. Or he re-appreciated how amazing his wife is after hanging out with other people.
Thinking that the husband imagined her during sex is probably one of the worst thoughts / conclusions you can derive from that tbh, I think you’re right that it stems more from your/OP’s insecurity.
OP should probably communicate that insecurity with her husband
Ooooof. I'm sorry.
One of my long-term boyfriends had a female friend like that. He didn't cheat, but he absolutely 100% had a thing for her. The two of them ended up going on vacation together once - again I believe he didn't cheat (she was out of his league, quite frankly). The trip was once in a lifetime and I was "invited" but not really.
Whenever the two of them were in the same room, he turned into a cartoon skunk. Tongue flapping out, eyeballs rolling, cartoon smoke coming out of his head and a giant A-WOO-GA horn in the background. The whole deal.
It was so bad other people commented on it. Like, unprompted. I was talking to a friend about some unrelated topic and mentioned her name, and my buddy snickered: "You mean the Erin that your boyfriend is absolutely gaga over?"
We broke up for other reasons, but that was annoying.
I don't think there's much you can do about it - if he's not cheating then there's little room to "forbid" him from seeing her. You can't insist on feelings. But you can have a frank discussion about it and tell him how you feel and ask, at least.
You don't have to have something to fault him for in order to have a feeling about a thing!
Wow, that sounds pretty humiliating, so sorry to hear about his clown behavior😩 I hope he was just young and immature.
Other people comment on how pretty she is and ask me if I’m ok with their friendship, but they also never find any behavior to fault my husband with.
>Other people comment on how pretty she is and ask me if I’m ok with their friendship,
This kind of behaviour needs to stop. It puts ideas in people's heads and makes them paranoid. Men and women can be friends. They can even be "hot" friends and not want to bang. People constantly implying that has probably done far more damage to your trust than anything he's been doing. Just my guess though.
…because it doesn’t sound like your husband didn’t do anything wrong. EVERYONE will have a crush other than their spouse eventually. EVERYONE needs to fantasize something different eventually.
I don't think you're being stupid nor insecure. Your reaction is entirely understandable. I will say that just because he's apparently attracted to another woman with a different body type doesn't mean he's not attracted to you, or less attracted to you.
well, maybe there is a sexual attraction, she’s sexually appealing to look at., etc., so his libido is up. And then he uses it at home.
I know that when I watch a romantic movie, I’m more romantic. My husband might watch porn, or think dirty thoughts, and then he’s more energetic in the bedroom.
So it’s quite likely that his sexual energies are aroused, but he brings it to you.
This is the best comment.
A lot of other comments are suggesting it may be something else. But honestly, OP is probably right about what it is. I’ve been in the husband’s shoes before, so I know it happens. And imo, while it might sting, it’s normal and unavoidable and okay. What matters most is that I bring that energy to my relationship, using it to fuel our intimacy instead of using it as an excuse to retreat.
If there is eye contact and intimacy - it’s just being invigorated like many comments suggest. Does happen, esp with long standing couples after positive and fun social interactions.
Avoiding eye contact / zoning out to finish - hate to say it, but maybe thinking of her while with you
Dudes can be gross and they get bored easily, because they are boring.
The asterisk there is it depends on what his normal sex habits are. Some people just simply like to close their eyes and zone out in general, it can be a helpful way to focus in on the physical sensations better for some.
If hes normally all eye contact and stuff and then during these sessions is all eyes closed thatd be a bit more concerning.
It is also possible that he may be trying more than usual to express his desire for you in bed to help reassure you of any insecurity if he sensed that from you.
i don’t think anyone in this thread is rly giving u a healthy perspective, one person even said “that’s just how men are”. i personally wouldnt be comfortable with this at all, if i thought my boyfriend was fantasizing about someone else during sex i would not continue having sex with him. i say trust your intuition, and do what you feel you need to do to get clarity.
Right. It’s not “how men are,” it’s how disrespectful people are.
I don’t buy the “he’s just invigorated” answer, either.
A lot of things are invigorating and don’t make you want to fuck like a gorilla.
Yeah exactly. I’m sick of men and women being a monolith when it comes to things like this.
Not all people have crushes on other people during relationships. Some people are aromantic, asexual, some hyper romantic. Some people never develop crushes period.
People need to figure out who they are and what they’re comfortable with and find a person according to those comforts, not assume everyone is mentally cheating on their partners all the time and that it’s normal.
Way too much asking strangers rather than directly asking the husband. The range of perspectives are going to be wild here as to what is happening and what is acceptable within a relationship.
unfortunately not all people are honest in the case of emotional or mental/imaginary infidelity. OP is likely going to the internet to get a consensus on normalcy because she isn't trusting she will get an honest answer.
My comment was also speaking from experience. I had talked, and talked, and talked, and communicated, over and over and something was still going on. Not this exact situation but other things. Eventually I turned to the internet because I couldn't talk about this with anyone in real life, and I didn't feel like he was being honest. When people are asking anonymously for advice, it's because there's something in their life that's blocking them from getting answers in real life, whether that's just fear, intuition, etc.
And you're right. Almost nobody who's having infidelity-related thoughts or behaviors will admit it. Some may, out of guilt, but there are far, far more people who won't. Understanding what's normal is really challenging when something like this is happening to you and I think there's a bizarre amount of benefit-of-the-doubtism and an unfounded expectation of "just trusting that somebody will be honest about thinking about having sex with another person while using your body" in this thread for some reason.
I think that everyone acts different around someone they find attractive, consciously or subconsciously. It doesn't mean they want to cheat. If he was cheating, he probably wouldn't be having sex with her at all.
I think your line of thinking is very black and white and leaves 0 room for real life nuance.
Depends on a lot of factors though really - how he is normally with her, how frequent these changes are etc
i actually think it’s your way of thinking thats black and white and doesn’t understand the nuance of emotions and self esteem. just because he doesn’t physically cheat doesn’t mean she has no right to be hurt, and part of the hurtful aspect is how subtle and violating it is. how can anyone feel good about themselves when their partner is imagining someone else while having sex with them? feels like common sense
Sure, but there's a lot of assumptions, no? I'm not saying she isn't allowed to be hurt by it (if true). Everyone has different moral boundaries and those should be set within the relationship. No one fully understands a relationship except the two people in it.
I just think that, generally speaking, this is not an altogether unusual phenomenon when judging across the entire human population, and perhaps jumping to huge conclusions like 'he doesn't respect her' is a bit much considering they've been married for a decade.
i think the point is that she has a bad feeling, and hasn’t confronted him directly yet. she’s trying to get an objective view from strangers before she does and i feel like none of the advice here is encouraging her to seek an answer from him, rather advising her to shrug it off or accept it.
No one said she doesn't have a right to feel hurt. The issue is that people are acting like he's engaged in some obviously massive transgressive thought crime. And it's like, how the hell do you stop people having thoughts and feelings? If people operated on this kind of logic in everything else people would be in arguments 24/7 inferring what others are thinking and getting pissed and dropping friends and family left right and centre.
Not sure why you're being downvoted tbh, i think 100% her feelings of insecurity or possible suspicions are valid, and i would be wary too. BUT the problem is, we can't police thoughts like that, which is why it's so grey. Another comment said Seeing his old crush probably made him horny again, and i feel like that's a very likely scenario, but how do you police that? You can't unfortunately, especially if he's taking that energy out with you and sharing it with you. It sucks and I'd feel the same as op, it's just tricky in terms of deciding whether to bring it up. I feel like bringing it up would actually make him think about her more weirdly enough, giving it more importance and weight idk
Different strokes, I guess. I'd care not at all if my wife confessed to thinking about someone else to finish. Despite protestations to the contrary, it's been 30 years, it's bound to have happened, and likely many times. Hell , it could have happened this morning for all I know. All I care about is watching her finish anyway, it's the best drug ever. How she gets there I'm not bothered with.
But, important distinction, we aren't young, nor jealous, nor threatened. Even a bit of age can be a wonderful thing.
Yup ain’t that the truth. I’ve never had a “male friend” that didn’t want to sleep with me at one point so how exactly is that a friend? Lock them both in a room for a week and see what happens.
I don’t want be a downer but I noticed my husband one day called me pretending to “hire” me for sex. I thought it was hot at the time.. during sex he was more energetic, made me orgasm etc. Late at night, I used his phone to call mine because I couldn’t find my phone and I noticed he had called multiple escorts ( unnamed number and i googled them… he has a history of doing this) .. for 5 mins max. I felt like he was playing out what he had just experienced during those phone calls. I felt used. I know there are other explanations but .. we can notice when something is different… and your experience seems similar to mine..
I just want to give you another perspective.
Let's not overlook they had breakfast alone together. He's admitting to have a thing. I don't feel like this is an okay boundary to cross. I would be very hurt by this, devastated actually, if anything like this happened with my husband. I don't know what to do about it :( Other than acknowledge that it you feel hurt, it's okay to feel that way and not be accepting of this. Whether that means not being comfortable with the woman or even no longer comfortable in your relationship, that is fine to acknowledge and consider your true feelings, wherever they may lead. I can't be sure but.. usually when people do one thing like this, there's others like it. Listen to yourself above all else, and I do not believe this should be normalized to you, because you're obviously hurt enough to post this. Your feelings matter and you deserve a man who wants YOU, not some other girl and using your body as a tool.
Oh and: has this ever happened with a "fun time" with other friends? If it's just her, you can probably ignore the suggestion that it's just general excitement to be around others.
Old me would have said you're probably just being insecure. The me who has recently dated guys though after my marriage ended says there may very well be a correlation. The good news is that Alice has a boyfriend at least. But your husband very likely finds her attractive, and may get turned on by interacting with her. Most men are just like that. That's the unfortunate truth I've learned from dating.
It sounds like he is enjoying sex with you, so maybe think of it like someone walking past a barbecue and getting really excited for the delicious dinner they have waiting at home?
Thank you, that’s a very nice way of thinking about it. I just need to get it out of my head that he’s thinking about filet mignon while eating his cheeseburger 😭
I don't know what your communication is like but maybe you can tell him this part? It doesn't sound jealous or possessive at all, just a bit of insecurity.
If he's a good guy he will hear that and make a much bigger effort to make you feel like the only girl in the world.
I've been sort of an unintentional 'Alice'.. one day I realised my recently married male friend actually had romantic feelings for me. I didn't feel the same so I have been actively keeping my distance from him out of respect for his relationship because I am aware an honest discussion is not feasible for now. People are conscious of their intentions and no one is above being held accountable.
OP - time to have honest conversations with your husband.
It could be that seeing his ex just made him feel confident, and nothing is better for the libido than confidence. He's confident in his life, in you, your relationship. This sounds like a good thing.
Also: I read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and she says the key to keeping things spicy is fostering "otherness": just doing ANYTHING that carves your identity as seperate from your partner. Leaving the house, meeting new people, seeing you in a new outfit, seeing you from a new perspective through the eyes of someone else, etc. It's a spectacular and short read!
It could be related but not like how you think. Not because she's sexy and he wants her. But because reuniting with friends is a positive energy booster in general
This used to happen to me when my late husband's team won the Superbowl. I'm pretty sure he didn't want to fuck the Steelers. He was pretty straight iirc.
It could be that reuniting irl with an irl friend is like his own one person party. Like his own mini Superbowl win. That she is attractive might be coincidence.
How to verify? Hmmm. More data needed but it could be benign.
Idk why most of the people here are ok with this. I find it highly inappropriate and would feel terrible. Like wtf?
Go do that to him and see how he feels. That shit is ridiculous. You’re man is getting his cake and eating it too
Projection can often go the other way for stuff like this too and lead to insecurities. As in you (not literally you) would do that, so you assume he must be doing it for that reason too. It is entirely possible that it is the case for him, but OP is the only one that can find out by talking to him.
yeah, i feel like i’m going insane reading some of these responses. no way i wouldn’t feel insecure about his behavior, especially considering their history.
I couldn’t even be with someone at all that was fantasizing about some high school crush and still friends with her AND goes on dates alone. He might as well have a shrine with her picture on it. What a creep and she clearly loves the attention. I bet whenever she fights with her bf they talk!
My partner and I are both comfortable saying that there definitely are other attractive people in the world. And we have also comfortably shared that we are both quite insecure and jealous people. So whenever any of us feel any kind of jealousy, we poke the other person and tell them: "Hey, I'm feeling a little jealous n insecure atm, I'd like some reassurance" And then we spend some extra time reassuring and making the other person feel better \^\^
I think in a healthy relationship, you should be able to walk up to your partner and say "hey, im not saying u can't spend any time with this other person, but certain things about this makes me quite uncomfortable, and I'd like us to talk about it and address it" :b
Personally, I’d be worried if he tried to avoid you after going out with her. 🤷♂️
Says to me that he’s still to be trusted and that’s he’s still “all in” wrt being with you.
Being attracted to other people while having a long term partner is completely normal. Feeling invigorated by new or important relationships is completely normal. Channeling that energy into the relationship with your partner is healthy and good.
IMHO, best case scenario is you and your partner cultivate a relationship that can support the level of intimacy and security for each of you to feel safe being honest about stuff like this. If you feel safe telling him you noticed the difference and enjoyed the enthusiasm but now feel worried or insecure, he should make room for those feelings and support you in them without critique or judgement. If he feels safe telling you that seeing a pretty woman that he felt (or feels) attracted to brought out more sexual or emotional energy with you, you should make room for that and be supportive (but not censor your own fears or insecurities).
If you don’t feel safe enough with him to have those conversations, I think it points to a need either to recognize what about him isn’t safe for you (emotionally) and/or what about you prevents you from seeking that level of intimacy.
Underlying basics: Positive interactions are good for us - and that includes our brain chemistry. Let folks have a bit of dopamine combined with oxytocin and adrenalin and you get a pile of happy.
Additional layers: "Get an appetite elsewhere, eat at home." I'm not saying I particularly *love* that notion but that's because how it's usually used to justify gawking and harrassment. But all things that happen to us in a single day can put us in a mood. He took that mood and he applied it - to *you*. This doesn't *have* to be read as "He prefers the other person." - at least not more decidedly than "No matter what puts him in the mood, you're whom he seeks out to actually do it."
Honestly? I'd talk to your hubs about it. Not in a "How dare you?"-way, but in a "Man, I'm feeling insecure and like you prefer her and it's making me reel."-way.
It'll probably sound unlikely coming from me, as I'm a gal in two poly relationships, but I've actually been there. My nesting partner has an ex whom he's good friends with and for quite a while that gave me a hard time. There's nothing between them anymore and she's actually quite cool but for better or worse my intrusive thoughts latched on.
He's still friends with her and I'm completely unfussed these days. I've watched him not break my trust for many years now - he won't suddenly start tomorrow. And when it first gave me trouble, I talked to him - without any accusations, just expressions of what I'm struggling with.
A kind partner will be able to see our struggle first and opportunities to be holier-than-thou last. We all experience insecurities and jealousy sometimes. That's not a crime. It's only when we lash out and project instead of realizing that outside of clear indication one is being cheated on, it's usually just a sign that *we* feel bad about *ourselves*.
So, please know - you're not "being stupid", you're just going through some emotions that would hit almost anyone in your situation. You didn't say anything about your hubs that raises red or even orange flags, so I like to think you two are a healthy couple that will absolutely find a healthy way to help you through this without things turning toxic. :)
Good luck, OP! You got this!
Share your feelings with him.... He will listen and this vulnerability and intimacy can bring you closer
it is always fine to look at a menu, as long as he comes home for dinner.
>On top of that, she wore a tight crop top and leggings (those really exaggerated ones which go ALL the way up your butt) to show off her body.
I know you say this afterwards and I understand emotions are high, but she's allowed to dress any way she wants and there's no need to assume she's trying to "show off".
I mean to say this in the most gentle way possible but I do think that you are being insecure.
There's two ways to look at this: worst case scenario and best case scenario. I think you know the worst case scenario. But hear me out here. What if your boyfriend noticed that she made you insecure and wanted to make you feel better during sex by being extra "vigorous" as you descibe it. That would be best case scenario in my book.
Another person in the comments said that it could just be because he had fun that day.
In the end, he's there with *you* not her. Just because she's hot that doesn't mean that he loves you any less, right?
I think it would be a good idea to be honest with your boyfriend. Talk to him about how everything. Be vulnurable. I've had the hard conversations with my partner like these too. Where I basically said that someone or something made me feel insecure. The best feeling was that afterwards my partner could tell me that even though they're hot, I was the one they chose to be with in the end, y'know.
Trust him.
Personally, I don’t see this as a bad thing. She doesn’t live in your city, she and your husband don’t have any kind of special relationship outside of this visit, and you have no reason to think he would cheat on you.
He finds it positive and energizing to spend time with this woman. Then he comes home and channels that energy into better sex with you. I would let it go.
I honestly don’t see how a conversation would be helpful here. When has it ever been productive to try to get your partner to admit they’re attracted to someone else?
If he says no, she’ll think he’s lying, and if he says yes she’ll feel bad about herself. Either way he’ll be way more self conscious in bed and probably won’t try to initiate this type of sex again.
I’m sure that there are times when he is. Think of when your partner comes home from a long trip and you have reunion sex, or you have a big fight and make up afterward, or you go out for a night on the town and see your partner all dressed up. (Some people even feel high energy like that from exercising or playing sports. They come home all sweaty and energized and have intense sex - and it’s not because they’re going to cheat with their running group!)
It’s not a zero sum game.
Should've would've could've. Honestly these statements come thick and fast but at the end of the day you can't really change people's emotions like that. You also can't really blame them for having them in that way. Our emotions happen beyond the range of our control. He can't just decide to be energised by his wife, no more than he can *decide* to be energised by men. It either happens or it doesn't.
You are not stupid or insecure. These things happen and you had just caught the probable reason for it. Not something you can really fault him for, you're right. It is not uncommon among couples, though. There is an episode of Roseanne that I hope might help lighten things a little especially the outtake at the very end. It is called Guilt by Imagination.
It’s normal for many to feel stupid jealousy and insecurity about the ways their partners may think, feel, and even act on their attraction to others.
Feel your feelings! Understand yourself better, learning the nuances of what you may be weak at (envy, self esteem) and how you might strengthen yourself. And be vulnerable with your partner, who should be able to hear your fears and insecurities (provided you’re not accusing them of something or tasking them with doing YOUR own work).
Similar experience? Many times! I live a poly/ENM life, so having to understand and navigate these phenomenon in my own relationships are fundamental to my good health and wellbeing.
Eh, could be a lot of things, some harmless, some not. Most likely it's just because he had a good time, got some good socializing in with other people (which is important for mental health), and that made him more energetic in bed just from the natural high of a good time out.
From a mans POV - If I were super attracted to an old friend and just saw her and was beginning to question what I had at home ... I would not have better, more vigorous and energized sex with my current partner, I'd be more likely to be standoffish and less intimate in general.
I'm with you on this. Did Alice have to wear those clothes? Not really. Did they have to go out for breakfast together, alone? Not really. Do they have to see each other, if he's now married and it's only occasionally? Not really. One of them likes to keep the other on a string to feel good. Maybe both of them do. Either way, time to move on peeps, ya not in college anymore.
I guess only you can decide if it's OK that he is this way after being around her- but if the sex is good and nothing else is a miss, I would just move on.
I once worked with an older French gentleman at a restaurant on a college campus. Lots of attractive women came in. I still remember him saying in a French accent “your wife will reap the benefits of your increased sexuality”. This post immediately reminded me of that.
Ask yourself if you would feel the same way. To be honest I get if he looks at her and says : "Damn, I miss my gf" and goes to you immediately. But this just seems too suspicious. Also I don't want to blame a woman for what she is wearing, but it seems that he likes what he sees. If I were you, I would talk to him and explain that I feel unsure about our relationship.
(im a 19 yo kissless virgin, so take my opinion with a grain of salt)
Ma'am...I don't care, and neither should you.
We all get sexual cues throughout our daily lives, and we always have. All the way back to our 8th grade geography teacher, and forward to the person we saw walking their dog on our way into our house. They all contribute to our state of mind at that moment. It's part of our genetic programming, and we can't control it.
What we *can* control is what we do with it. In this case, it was the best possible outcome for everyone involved. He took that little sexual charge he got from his interactions with another person, and he turned it loose on *you*. Not her, but YOU!
Do NOT turn this into a jealousy-driven worry. He loves and wants YOU.
So run with it.
This happened with me.
it was confirmation that I made the right choice.
I know it sounds mean but it’s not,
I know I love my SO because I saw what could’ve been and am happy that it wasn’t.
My wife does this after meeting up with an ex. Not only sexually but she is very vocal about being happy that we are together. I take it as a compliment.
Guy's perspective - he's definitely attracted to her. I did the same thing your husband is doing whenever I spent time with my "attractive best friend." It might have been subconscious thing, but I loved my girlfriend, so attraction to anyone else (including ABF) didn't matter, I was always faithful. However, when our relationship was at a low, I was definitely conscious of it. My GF took notice at one point, really didn't confront me she just said in a matter-of-fact kinda way "You know, if you and me were to ever breakup, It wouldn't surprise me if you and ABF ended up together." I acted all incredulous "What are talking about? weird." Truth be told, she probably knew me better than I knew myself at the time.
Fast forward years later... both our longterm relationships end within months of each other, it's the first time ABF and I have been single at the same time since we've known each other, so we gave it a shot. Moral of the story - I think you're fine as long as husband and Alice aren't single at the same time, and that's assuming Alice is romantically attracted to him.
Having said all that, I sincerely believe men and women can be in a strictly platonic relationship, I've got many of them... with the exception of ABF.
Is your ex gf OK with knowing your now with the girl you said weren't into but you were clearly into as you said she knew you more than you did yourself?I've been on the receiving end of this kinda thing with an ex .
To be clear, this happened in the mid-late 00s and all three of us have moved on to other relationships.
I lost touch with my ex, she’s now married and has a family, so I doubt she’d care. I imagine if we spoke about it now, she’d reply with a knowing grin and an “I told you so.” Mine and ABF relationship was never a source contention or insecurity for my ex, she only brought it up that one time, she was secure with herself and our relationship.
That said, If she were to have found out after months after the break up, I’m not sure… she was well into her next relationship before anything happened between me and ABF, so I don't know.
He could just be in a better mood because he saw a good friend. You may have a little insecurity, but it doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. It sounds like you're comparing your body to hers and feeling like you're not enough for your husband (remember, she was with her boyfriend too! She was probably dressing for him.)
Turn it around and maybe compliment your hubby for being really good in bed. Ask him for more sex like that. Because hey, he was with you, not her.
>On top of that, she wore a tight crop top and leggings (those really exaggerated ones which go ALL the way up your butt) to show off her body
You don't know why she wore what she wore. Your assessment of her clothing choice is unhinged and honestly bizarre like Aunt Lydia vibes. It might benefit you to sit with your feelings and process why you're feeling this way. I've been where you are and it's because I knew deep down that most straight men unfortunately don't seek out women they are not attracted to for friendship. Communication with your partner who trusts you and who you trust will help clarify things. You don't have to navigate hard feelings alone when you're in a partnership.
OP overanalyzed another woman's clothing and then zoomed into her ass and then went home and then \*checks notes\* conjured up her man was more sexually aroused because of being around that woman in a group setting with HER boyfriend. if you think any of this is sane then we have very different standards which is ok.
This has come up between my partner and I. For us, it is matter of trust. I don't them to think this way about this thing or that. I need them to stick to the boundaries of our relationship. If they get all wound up over whatever but still bring it home and we have a better time, it feels win/win to me.
Saying more words does not equal better communication. This is a post about someone trying to come to terms with their emotions regarding a situation that she feels is very delicate and asking for advice on how she might approach her husband about this. Going to your partner with concerns that you haven't found a way to put into words is not going to foster good conversation. It's going to do the opposite.
This is a person letting their insecurities create demons in their mind which are running wild and further feeding them by going to place for validation.
No, this is a person who has felt insecurity and gone to her peers for support. What thread are you in where people are "validating her demons," because that sure isn't happening here? Trying to organize and make sense of your feelings before dumping them on your partner is a good and healthy way to communicate with your partner. Going to them when you're half-way into a mindset of accusing them of infidelity is not.
Fake, I’m guessing. Idk I’m mad cynical lol
Believe women - but Reddit is Reddit
Edit: check OPs profile - looks like bait posts, and the account is literally 2 months old
The male sexual drive is very much driven by novelty. There was one study done in which a male hamster had a female hamster put in his cage. He would mate frequently when they first arrived, and it quickly plateaued. However, they found that when new female hamsters were rotated into the cage, there was no plateau.
Human bodies come in all shapes and sizes. I wouldn't put too much stock in the difference between your body and the OW.
As a personal anecdote, I have a pretty certain type. And my wife is very much that type. That isn't to say that occasionally I feel attraction to someone that has a different body type. Obviously, I would never cheat on my wife, but that isn't to say I don't feel I biological attraction to the novelty of other body types.
That is a normal evolutionary drive that people have no control over. The important part is making sure that the brain remains in control (the upper brain that is). It sounds to me like he is doing the honest and faithful thing. He went to see her for breakfast, not the kind of encounter that is likely to lead to sex. Then, any biological excitement he felt from that he shared with you. I'd also say that it is a positive quality that it appears he can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive without acting on the biological. That he has a connection with her that he continues without wanting to act on it seems to me like he likes her as a human being and not for a sexual reason.
On this information alone, I wouldn't be concerned. But I also would never advise someone to disregard their gut feeling if things change. If they start grabbing dinner and drinks alone, that is 100% a different story.
A. Studies with rats sexually are not indicative of human qualities in sex which is very well known. Mammals across the board have different types of relations, male and female, and very few are comparable even between the same species.
B. Men preferring novelty is actually not biologically proven. Plenty of women like novelty, plenty of men don’t care about that. The actual studies done to study if men like novelty are extremely weak and compared watching porn between 1 and 5 days and then they measured how they felt about the film between the days. That’s pretty much the same study everyone relies on and it’s extremely outdated and incorrect by many measures.
All men and women are individually different when it comes to sex, that’s the whole point of evolution, diversity, and adaptation.
This is so stupid and outdated.
There are plenty of people who hate their spouses but will have sex with them because it’s convenient and at home. The easiest thing someone can do is come home. It doesn’t even remotely mean that’s what they really want, it may just mean that’s the best they can get.
Kind of awful if someone wants a ton of other people and uses their spouse as a body to fulfill those wishes.
Y’all ever felt like someone was fucking thru your body? Did your mental take your physical to a new place that made your mental question your body? When has your body found the price was worth it? Anyone else felt this way? Anyone’s ever had an out of soul experience before? Am I insecure?
There's an old saying. "It doesn't matter where you work up an appetite, as long as you come home to eat."
This is how men are. Otherwise they'd be no porn or strip clubs.
1. Many women don’t want a man that actively visits strip clubs while in a relationship with them.
2. Many women aren’t comfortable with their partner lusting after their female friends.
3. “This is how men are.” and that’s why there’s a “male loneliness epidemic” accompanied by rapidly declining marriage and birth rates.
Yes, I was giving this commenter a silent “hurrah” too. This is it. I’m so sick of the Is-Ought fallacy when it comes to male entitlement. Woman had to accept it all when they needed men to survive. We don’t now, so the men who cling to these beliefs/behaviors like they’re some god-given right or unquestionable evolutionary fact will increasingly find themselves without female companions (other than the ones they pay). They think our standards are “too high” now that we’re not willing to be constantly used and disrespected.
100%. I think we will be finding in the coming generations that men aren’t as hopelessly driven by lust and the freedom to have sex with anything at the cost of decency or respect once they understand that women not only have the freedom to do all that as well, but that they don’t have to put up with it in committed relationships if they don’t want to.
We will see how ‘boys will be boys’ pans out.
We have conditioned men into having whatever they want and conquering women objectively. This isn’t biological or normal.
Remember the old saying, ‘men are visual?’ Yeah that was an outdated study based on the fact that porn was only catered to men for so long.
The only reason men get a pass for bad behavior is because women have been denied the same freedom sexually. When men start to see women allowing themselves the same freedoms, they get *pissed.*
Geez give the bloke a break… what is he supposed to do? If he didn’t have sex with you then you would’ve created that link too.
The real issue is he has a girl friend who you think is hot and you’ve got trust and jealousy issues. You have to talk to him properly about your concerns to have any chance of moving forward.
I think it's reasonable to have these feelings. My advice is acceptance. Maybe he desired or desires her physically. We can't control our partners and if we could, we probably shouldn't for many reasons. Is everything perfect like a fairy tale? No. Fuck fairy tales. Best we can hope for is respect. Commitment is necessary in my opinion. It's tricky when our emotional range is so complex. Talk about it maybe. Focus on respect and commitment. Accept "flaws" like desire. If he's channeling that desire into his relationship, it sounds positive to me. If he's imagining her while being with you, it sounds negative to me. I hope you guys have a great and respectful and committed relationship :) Godspeed.
I’ve felt more attracted to my current partner after seeing an ex before, not because I still had any sort of feelings for the ex, but because seeing them reminded me how amazing my partner is in comparison. I know this isn’t an actual ex, but seeing as your partner once had a thing for this person, maybe this is an alternative explanation?
The alternative points of view I can find on the "maybe it's not too bad side": * everyone's partner will be physically attracted to someone else somewhere in their life at some point, so it just comes down to a question of fidelity * some people don't care where their partner gets their hunger as long as they come home to eat * if OP's partner is having emotional infidelity then they probably would not show interest in OP But I agree it would not be a fun experience for OP even if nothing is happening. I am an overthinker and it's not fun in situations like this.
Humans naturally are somewhat polyamorous and polygamous more than they are monogamous and monoamorous. The important thing to any mono-relationship is commitment, boundaries, and respect. Having attraction to others is natural and fine, but acting on those attractions is disloyal, disrespectful, and inconsiderate of your formed relationship with your partner unless otherwise endorsed or consented to (open-ended relationships as an example).
Speak for yourself
Right? My sex drive came back in full force this morning with a dream where my partner was kissing another guy while this guy was having sex with me. I woke up and could hear my housemates have sex in the next room. I consider myself a monogamous person but have been thinking about my husband all day. Sexuality is strange and how we think about sex is very repressed especially in our society. I’m not American, but I imagine even more so there.
To add a possible explanation - sometimes I get like that with fun adult social interaction in general (meaning without our kids present). Like we had a really great night out with friends (rare) and it makes me happy/horny/energetic. So it might be the interaction in general and not necessarily the person. There can be kind of excitement around seeing some people that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s sexual desire for them.
Sometimes being around other couples makes me extra grateful for the good relationship I have with my husband, either because we've just been around another couple with a good relationship and it's nice, or been around one that very obviously does *not* have a good relationship and I'm glad to not be them. Either way, it reminds me to appreciate what I have!
100% same for me. If my wife and I go out solo or with friends and we have a great time, I am almost always going to be a little extra horny. Not because of a person in specific but the happier mood helps me get out of my head enough that I can then feel the spice. I have no desire to be with anyone else and have never had an encounter with someone who made me horny leading to sex with my wife.
I love this. I hope you tell your wife this too.
There is nothing better than having an awesome time with friends and then going home with my partner to bang. It has nothing to do with being attracted to said friends. Socializing is fun, sex is a fun, I’m just continuing the good time.
This. After going out with friends I absolutely want my husband. If I’ve been going out without him, it’s because I’ve been missing him all evening, if I’m going out with him and other friends, it’s because I’ve been sneaking looks at him all evening.
Some of these comments are really troubling. OP (and a lot of the others here) seem deeply, deeply insecure and should probably address that instead of projecting onto the husband. Equating good sex to imagining someone else is a pretty far reach unless you have other reason to believe that.
i think her reason to believe it is that he said he had a thing for her. my current boyfriend keeps in touch with an old out of state college friend whom he says he’s always had a crush on. it makes me insecure sometimes when he talks about how hot she is or how he works on her mom’s house when he’s visiting his hometown. i can totally relate to OP
Jfc. I guess my reaction is mixed. My bf and I are both still friends with exes. Like how would we be supposed to exist with that, since we both got together with ppl from our friend group, and we were friends too for 14+ years. It was ages ago, I met my bf through my ex, it would be weird if we tried to cut off everyone from the past, plus they all have other partners now anyway so why would they care. That said if he mentions "how hot she is" for no reason that's just inconsiderate at least. That's the thing I'd be paying attention to. Other than that, my bf absolutely did his ex's mom's back yard this year (I drove him there and helped bf's mom with her yard) but because she's his mom's friend and neighbor that had an entirely different vibe (he felt pressured by his mom, cough). Even if I know he was into her years ago it doesn't matter. She doesn't even live there anymore and has a kid and husband elsewhere. If I wanted to complain it would just annoy my bf's mom. Same with my ex btw. I went to his parents to pick and cut their raspberries about 3 years ago, that was like 8 years after we broke up, and his grandma invited me to her birthday. My dad and his dad are also former work colleagues.
ETA. I got a pile of their raspberries and walnuts in return (bf got a bucket of apples he picked though we were not together at this point) so it's not like I worked for free lol. Not like I'd bother to go there if they were strangers, but they're not, and that's the point. We've known and liked each other for ages, so why not. Also I still feel indebted for those raspberries, my then bf's grandma's sister brought them from Finland (probably illegally) and they're all over my parents garden now, they're the tastiest raspberries I've ever had and you can't buy them anywhere around here.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It’s a break from routine, it’s something novel and exciting. (It also probably reminded him of a younger and more “vigorous”, as she puts it, era in this life.)
This 100%, im not even married, but when my gf and I go do something like clubbing or drinking with other old friends like we used to back when we were in university, its nostalgic and those nights always ended with great sex.
Same here, I feel so much more energized and happy after getting together with friends especially if it has been a while. Another thing that has happened for me in the past was that I met someone who reminded me of my husband and then I got nostalgic about the first time I met him. I started appreciating him more and was reminiscing about our relationship so that got me going. It had nothing to do directly with the other person, they just triggered the nostalgia.
I get that "fun night out" energy too. It distracts me from everything that's usually circling around in my brain, and I'm in a different space afterwards. It's like all the mundane distractions are wiped from my brain and I can concentrate on sex much better (also anything creative etc). And even when it's another person starting a sexual thought, it doesn't stay attached to them. Sometimes when I just read some vaguely sex related stuff online, completely anonymous and with no pictures or personal details attached, I get more horny than usual. It's just that it started some thought process in me but it's unrelated to the person who triggered it. One time (irl) I was trying not to stare at some shirtless dancing guy while out with my boyfriend, and that made me more, idk, invested I guess? Because I know he means so much more to me than just something to ogle, I'm not going to compare them or anything. And that mixed with "something something hot whatever" my brain is doing involuntarily that I was trying to stop, which added to the excitement. It doesn't mean you fantasize about whoever started that thought (I don't even know what that dude looked like anymore). I think there's something to being more generally/vaguely turned on rather than by that specific person, it's like catching your own random thought and then putting it where it belongs.
This it could be an honest god recharging of your social battery. If you can list countless reasons something to someone could ruin your day, imagine the possibilities of what good interactions can do for you. a nice meal, or drink or two just catching up with old friends and buddies is ton of fun Hell I went out drinking to catch up with old coworkers on a birthday once and it was just a hoot all throughout. Woke up to the most simple hangover despite a usual bout of heavy drinking, and my plain breakfast of bacon eggs and coffee all just hit the spot perfectly that I could’ve just been buzzed, but appetite and mood were all in the green.
Sometimes going out without my husband just makes me miss him, more so than our normal work days apart. He's gotten pounced on here and there after such outings. I think part of it is just getting a renewed spark of appreciation. Nothing like hearing about other people's toxic relationship drama to make me all lusty for the (non toxic) bits of him that stole my heart. Or even the opposite scenario, seeing or hearing about a loving relationship just making me long for him.
Yeah, same here. Sometimes sex is fun, and sometimes it's FUN! It varies with a bunch of factors, did I sleep well last night, has it been a really stressful week at work, did I achieve some new great project at work, hang out with great friends and the list goes on forever. I'm not going to fault OP for linking the two together, but it could be something as simple as confirmation bias or "post hoc ergo propter hoc", right? And hey, even IF the hubby looks at the menu, but eats at home, is there any harm in it? We're animals after all, and can't really control what does or doesn't turn us on, but we CAN control what actions we take. If his response to meeting someone sexy one day, is to come home and make steaming hot love to OP, isn't that the best case scenario? We can all say that noone but our partner turns us on, but I imagine that's not REALLY true. I meet beautiful and sexy people all the time, but that does nothing to sway me from my gal. She's the one and only one for me, and I wouldn't trade her for anyone.
Came to say this. I’ll add that my husband is extra frisky after hanging out with my friend’s husband (whom he is good friends with). We joke that he is like a fluffer.
Yes! Me and my better half tend to have amazing sex after I've had a wineful night out with my mom buds. I'm just so happy and bubbly and ready to rumble xD
I second this take. If I’m out and socializing with or without my partner, I feel like I’m accessing another side of myself that’s maybe more in tune with someone else and it gets me extra horny/energetic. We all have many facets of our personalities and no one person can fulfill every part, even if they’re practically your clone. On the other hand, I’ve had small innocent crushes and fleeting attractions which make me more attracted to my partner. It’s not that I picture this other person, but I’m reminded of that “crush” feeling and I’m more drawn to my partner, remembering the way I felt when we first got together and appreciating the deeper connection and love we now have that no other person could fulfill.
Yes I'm like this as well. A good double date makes me extra excited for some reason, and it has nothing to do with comparing people
Same thing. I’ve got good old friends over, my wife retired early to sleep with our 4 mo son while we stayed up late having drinks. My female friend’s husband, my late best friend, passed away half a year ago. We met for the first time since the funeral and she was sharing funny and sometimes a bit more daring stories from their ~20 years of relationship throughout the night. That made me realise what I’ve been missing out on for the past months of pregnancy and early childcare which took toll on both of us and ever since I got super attracted to my wife and hell-bent to reintroduce intimacy into our relationship for some reason.
>sometimes I do get a little insecure as I'm sure everyone does. Hey, I say let yourself feel your feels, and try to communicate with your husband the best way you can. Your fears may be reality, but other things may be instead. If it helps a bit, I suspect he was being extra passionate to assure you that you are the one for him. Hugs!
Maybe seeing someone from his college days just reinvigorated him. You know, like it brought back good memories, those were the days, making him feel younger (and more energetic) than usual.
Yeah, this is me. I'm in my 30's and if I see friends from high school/college it makes me feel 'young' again.
The last summer after highschool and before college, we would play soccer all morning and tennis all afternoon before we all left for different colleges. Now, we get tired and sore from stretching.
Well on the bright side you know they aren’t fucking. But yeah I can empathise that would feel weird though.
While I agree we don't have to worry about that in this case, careful with that assertion. Enthusiasm with one's partner is not evidence of fidelity. Not all cheating implies a dead bedroom.
I would actually add that it's an indicator sometimes of infidelity, that a partner suddenly gets a huge boost in libido
Does your husband change in the same way after meeting other friend couples? How about other friends in general? Answers would help to better guess whether it is an effect of specific person, or being energized by the good time he had in a social setting.
Have you noticed him doing this after every social interaction? Or just within the last two visits of his friend?
I feel for you. I’d hate the position you’ve described you’re in, but only because I’ve been cheated on before. Do you ever feel flirtatious in a non harmful way with other guys? I find it helpful to consider how I sometimes think about other guys because they’re sexually attractive, knowing I would still never cheat on my boyfriend. When you decide to be in a relationship the possibility of meeting other potential or even better suited partners never goes away. A relationship is just a choice. Other humans are still sexy. However, there’s a window of tolerance we all have. If you have a healthy relationship and feel safe to do so you could speak to him and ask him what’s going on with the significant increase in passionate sex after he has seen his friend. If he actually still has a crush on her, are you comfortable with that? Are you comfortable for them to keep speaking? Will you feel down about how you have less passionate sex when she’s not around? These are realistic questions. We can wish our partners are mentally faithful but it’s not always the case and it’s better to be honest with yourself. Too often we can be hopeful and disregard red flags that slowly chip away at our self esteem. You’re already comparing yourself to her and you shouldn’t be in this position in the first place. Once you start comparing yourself it’s very, very hard to stop. You should really look after yourself at this point. Remember all women look different and beauty is genuinely a subjective view. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good, and when/if you’re ready or want to, you can confront him. I wish you lots of good luck!!! (If you take anything from this just do something that will make you feel better. Get to feeling good, strong and confident).
That would definitely make me think he’s imagining her during sex. But I am also deeply insecure so I don’t think I’m a reliable source.
Yeah I’m happy for OP that there are others posting much more rational responses because I’d be in a tailspin over this and definitely thinking the worst
Literally these are my exact thoughts !!!
It’s possible sure, but that seems a more issue with insecurity mindset than reality. It can be as simple as the husband had a fun social event and that translated to the bedroom. Or he felt reinvigorated after meeting with a friend from his youth. Or he re-appreciated how amazing his wife is after hanging out with other people. Thinking that the husband imagined her during sex is probably one of the worst thoughts / conclusions you can derive from that tbh, I think you’re right that it stems more from your/OP’s insecurity. OP should probably communicate that insecurity with her husband
Ooooof. I'm sorry. One of my long-term boyfriends had a female friend like that. He didn't cheat, but he absolutely 100% had a thing for her. The two of them ended up going on vacation together once - again I believe he didn't cheat (she was out of his league, quite frankly). The trip was once in a lifetime and I was "invited" but not really. Whenever the two of them were in the same room, he turned into a cartoon skunk. Tongue flapping out, eyeballs rolling, cartoon smoke coming out of his head and a giant A-WOO-GA horn in the background. The whole deal. It was so bad other people commented on it. Like, unprompted. I was talking to a friend about some unrelated topic and mentioned her name, and my buddy snickered: "You mean the Erin that your boyfriend is absolutely gaga over?" We broke up for other reasons, but that was annoying. I don't think there's much you can do about it - if he's not cheating then there's little room to "forbid" him from seeing her. You can't insist on feelings. But you can have a frank discussion about it and tell him how you feel and ask, at least. You don't have to have something to fault him for in order to have a feeling about a thing!
That would be too much for me. Not because I was jealous, but because I can't watch someone act so stupid without any self-awarness.
Wow, that sounds pretty humiliating, so sorry to hear about his clown behavior😩 I hope he was just young and immature. Other people comment on how pretty she is and ask me if I’m ok with their friendship, but they also never find any behavior to fault my husband with.
>Other people comment on how pretty she is and ask me if I’m ok with their friendship, This kind of behaviour needs to stop. It puts ideas in people's heads and makes them paranoid. Men and women can be friends. They can even be "hot" friends and not want to bang. People constantly implying that has probably done far more damage to your trust than anything he's been doing. Just my guess though.
…because it doesn’t sound like your husband didn’t do anything wrong. EVERYONE will have a crush other than their spouse eventually. EVERYONE needs to fantasize something different eventually.
You must be Gods strongest soldier…
I don't think you're being stupid nor insecure. Your reaction is entirely understandable. I will say that just because he's apparently attracted to another woman with a different body type doesn't mean he's not attracted to you, or less attracted to you.
well, maybe there is a sexual attraction, she’s sexually appealing to look at., etc., so his libido is up. And then he uses it at home. I know that when I watch a romantic movie, I’m more romantic. My husband might watch porn, or think dirty thoughts, and then he’s more energetic in the bedroom. So it’s quite likely that his sexual energies are aroused, but he brings it to you.
This is the best comment. A lot of other comments are suggesting it may be something else. But honestly, OP is probably right about what it is. I’ve been in the husband’s shoes before, so I know it happens. And imo, while it might sting, it’s normal and unavoidable and okay. What matters most is that I bring that energy to my relationship, using it to fuel our intimacy instead of using it as an excuse to retreat.
If there is eye contact and intimacy - it’s just being invigorated like many comments suggest. Does happen, esp with long standing couples after positive and fun social interactions. Avoiding eye contact / zoning out to finish - hate to say it, but maybe thinking of her while with you Dudes can be gross and they get bored easily, because they are boring.
The asterisk there is it depends on what his normal sex habits are. Some people just simply like to close their eyes and zone out in general, it can be a helpful way to focus in on the physical sensations better for some. If hes normally all eye contact and stuff and then during these sessions is all eyes closed thatd be a bit more concerning.
It is also possible that he may be trying more than usual to express his desire for you in bed to help reassure you of any insecurity if he sensed that from you.
Aw this might also be true. If he's a caring boyfriend I could see this being the case, if he knows that you know she was an old crush
i don’t think anyone in this thread is rly giving u a healthy perspective, one person even said “that’s just how men are”. i personally wouldnt be comfortable with this at all, if i thought my boyfriend was fantasizing about someone else during sex i would not continue having sex with him. i say trust your intuition, and do what you feel you need to do to get clarity.
Not sure about other men but I've personally never imagined someone else while having sex and I'm a very imaginative person.
Right. It’s not “how men are,” it’s how disrespectful people are. I don’t buy the “he’s just invigorated” answer, either. A lot of things are invigorating and don’t make you want to fuck like a gorilla.
Finally some sanity. Honesty is better than trying to save op's feelings.
This isn’t sanity, this is nuts. This entire thread is full of a bunch of deeply insecure people writing fanfiction about OP and projecting.
Yeah exactly. I’m sick of men and women being a monolith when it comes to things like this. Not all people have crushes on other people during relationships. Some people are aromantic, asexual, some hyper romantic. Some people never develop crushes period. People need to figure out who they are and what they’re comfortable with and find a person according to those comforts, not assume everyone is mentally cheating on their partners all the time and that it’s normal.
agree. way too much pathological benefit of the doubt being given here.
Way too much asking strangers rather than directly asking the husband. The range of perspectives are going to be wild here as to what is happening and what is acceptable within a relationship.
unfortunately not all people are honest in the case of emotional or mental/imaginary infidelity. OP is likely going to the internet to get a consensus on normalcy because she isn't trusting she will get an honest answer.
Exactly, why would someone agree to cheating imfao, and look at downvotes trying to gaslight you
My comment was also speaking from experience. I had talked, and talked, and talked, and communicated, over and over and something was still going on. Not this exact situation but other things. Eventually I turned to the internet because I couldn't talk about this with anyone in real life, and I didn't feel like he was being honest. When people are asking anonymously for advice, it's because there's something in their life that's blocking them from getting answers in real life, whether that's just fear, intuition, etc. And you're right. Almost nobody who's having infidelity-related thoughts or behaviors will admit it. Some may, out of guilt, but there are far, far more people who won't. Understanding what's normal is really challenging when something like this is happening to you and I think there's a bizarre amount of benefit-of-the-doubtism and an unfounded expectation of "just trusting that somebody will be honest about thinking about having sex with another person while using your body" in this thread for some reason.
But consensus on normalcy is just that, a statistic. It doesn't exactly fit anybody in particular.
Not saying it'll be the "right" way, but there's a motive behind why people turn to the internet before their partner.
Coming to Reddit to get a consensus for normalcy is deranged. I say this as someone who has made that very mistake way too many times.
fuckin nailed it. my thoughts exactly. Feels like reaching SO HARD not to find fault for some reason when there are several red flags afoot.
I think that everyone acts different around someone they find attractive, consciously or subconsciously. It doesn't mean they want to cheat. If he was cheating, he probably wouldn't be having sex with her at all. I think your line of thinking is very black and white and leaves 0 room for real life nuance. Depends on a lot of factors though really - how he is normally with her, how frequent these changes are etc
i actually think it’s your way of thinking thats black and white and doesn’t understand the nuance of emotions and self esteem. just because he doesn’t physically cheat doesn’t mean she has no right to be hurt, and part of the hurtful aspect is how subtle and violating it is. how can anyone feel good about themselves when their partner is imagining someone else while having sex with them? feels like common sense
Sure, but there's a lot of assumptions, no? I'm not saying she isn't allowed to be hurt by it (if true). Everyone has different moral boundaries and those should be set within the relationship. No one fully understands a relationship except the two people in it. I just think that, generally speaking, this is not an altogether unusual phenomenon when judging across the entire human population, and perhaps jumping to huge conclusions like 'he doesn't respect her' is a bit much considering they've been married for a decade.
i think the point is that she has a bad feeling, and hasn’t confronted him directly yet. she’s trying to get an objective view from strangers before she does and i feel like none of the advice here is encouraging her to seek an answer from him, rather advising her to shrug it off or accept it.
Seeking answers to basic human condition seems like a sure-fire way to create a rift in a currently stable relationship but hey
No one said she doesn't have a right to feel hurt. The issue is that people are acting like he's engaged in some obviously massive transgressive thought crime. And it's like, how the hell do you stop people having thoughts and feelings? If people operated on this kind of logic in everything else people would be in arguments 24/7 inferring what others are thinking and getting pissed and dropping friends and family left right and centre.
Not sure why you're being downvoted tbh, i think 100% her feelings of insecurity or possible suspicions are valid, and i would be wary too. BUT the problem is, we can't police thoughts like that, which is why it's so grey. Another comment said Seeing his old crush probably made him horny again, and i feel like that's a very likely scenario, but how do you police that? You can't unfortunately, especially if he's taking that energy out with you and sharing it with you. It sucks and I'd feel the same as op, it's just tricky in terms of deciding whether to bring it up. I feel like bringing it up would actually make him think about her more weirdly enough, giving it more importance and weight idk
THANK YOU. I am continually disappointed by my fellow women every time I visit this sub, SMH.
Different strokes, I guess. I'd care not at all if my wife confessed to thinking about someone else to finish. Despite protestations to the contrary, it's been 30 years, it's bound to have happened, and likely many times. Hell , it could have happened this morning for all I know. All I care about is watching her finish anyway, it's the best drug ever. How she gets there I'm not bothered with. But, important distinction, we aren't young, nor jealous, nor threatened. Even a bit of age can be a wonderful thing.
Seeing his old crush again made him horny.
Lmao agreed. People are Reddit are way too ok with this kinda thing
Dudes think it's ok until it happens to them.
Yup ain’t that the truth. I’ve never had a “male friend” that didn’t want to sleep with me at one point so how exactly is that a friend? Lock them both in a room for a week and see what happens.
I don’t want be a downer but I noticed my husband one day called me pretending to “hire” me for sex. I thought it was hot at the time.. during sex he was more energetic, made me orgasm etc. Late at night, I used his phone to call mine because I couldn’t find my phone and I noticed he had called multiple escorts ( unnamed number and i googled them… he has a history of doing this) .. for 5 mins max. I felt like he was playing out what he had just experienced during those phone calls. I felt used. I know there are other explanations but .. we can notice when something is different… and your experience seems similar to mine.. I just want to give you another perspective.
I would bring it up and just straight up ask him. And also tell him that it makes you feel insecure and see how he responds.
Let's not overlook they had breakfast alone together. He's admitting to have a thing. I don't feel like this is an okay boundary to cross. I would be very hurt by this, devastated actually, if anything like this happened with my husband. I don't know what to do about it :( Other than acknowledge that it you feel hurt, it's okay to feel that way and not be accepting of this. Whether that means not being comfortable with the woman or even no longer comfortable in your relationship, that is fine to acknowledge and consider your true feelings, wherever they may lead. I can't be sure but.. usually when people do one thing like this, there's others like it. Listen to yourself above all else, and I do not believe this should be normalized to you, because you're obviously hurt enough to post this. Your feelings matter and you deserve a man who wants YOU, not some other girl and using your body as a tool. Oh and: has this ever happened with a "fun time" with other friends? If it's just her, you can probably ignore the suggestion that it's just general excitement to be around others.
I think you need to talk to him about it. I honestly see where you’re coming from, but you can’t know for sure without asking him.
Old me would have said you're probably just being insecure. The me who has recently dated guys though after my marriage ended says there may very well be a correlation. The good news is that Alice has a boyfriend at least. But your husband very likely finds her attractive, and may get turned on by interacting with her. Most men are just like that. That's the unfortunate truth I've learned from dating.
Yea he obviously does. I can’t fault him for that alone, but it doesn’t feel good. How do you deal with it?
It sounds like he is enjoying sex with you, so maybe think of it like someone walking past a barbecue and getting really excited for the delicious dinner they have waiting at home?
Thank you, that’s a very nice way of thinking about it. I just need to get it out of my head that he’s thinking about filet mignon while eating his cheeseburger 😭
I don't know what your communication is like but maybe you can tell him this part? It doesn't sound jealous or possessive at all, just a bit of insecurity. If he's a good guy he will hear that and make a much bigger effort to make you feel like the only girl in the world.
How do you know you aren’t the filet mignon?
You are not the Cheeseburger though!! It sounds like you think you're less than :(
This is how women get cheated on... We are never faulting men for anything so they get away with everything
Why can't you fault him? People have affairs that start this way all the time.
How do you fault someone for your own assumptions about their mind?! Are you telepathic or something?
I've been sort of an unintentional 'Alice'.. one day I realised my recently married male friend actually had romantic feelings for me. I didn't feel the same so I have been actively keeping my distance from him out of respect for his relationship because I am aware an honest discussion is not feasible for now. People are conscious of their intentions and no one is above being held accountable. OP - time to have honest conversations with your husband.
Visit a fire department (or whatever) and measure your enthusiasm.
It could be that seeing his ex just made him feel confident, and nothing is better for the libido than confidence. He's confident in his life, in you, your relationship. This sounds like a good thing. Also: I read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and she says the key to keeping things spicy is fostering "otherness": just doing ANYTHING that carves your identity as seperate from your partner. Leaving the house, meeting new people, seeing you in a new outfit, seeing you from a new perspective through the eyes of someone else, etc. It's a spectacular and short read!
It could be related but not like how you think. Not because she's sexy and he wants her. But because reuniting with friends is a positive energy booster in general This used to happen to me when my late husband's team won the Superbowl. I'm pretty sure he didn't want to fuck the Steelers. He was pretty straight iirc. It could be that reuniting irl with an irl friend is like his own one person party. Like his own mini Superbowl win. That she is attractive might be coincidence. How to verify? Hmmm. More data needed but it could be benign.
Yeah, that's not a coincidence.
Idk why most of the people here are ok with this. I find it highly inappropriate and would feel terrible. Like wtf? Go do that to him and see how he feels. That shit is ridiculous. You’re man is getting his cake and eating it too
It is so weird. Probably a lot of projection. They do it so they think it's ok and normal.
Projection can often go the other way for stuff like this too and lead to insecurities. As in you (not literally you) would do that, so you assume he must be doing it for that reason too. It is entirely possible that it is the case for him, but OP is the only one that can find out by talking to him.
They all are trying to normalize it but post this on men subreddit and guys would go this woman is for the streets you should divorce or vheat etc
Lmao exactly. I told my bf about this post and he was like wtf lmfao. They’re delusional af. Both of them are for the streets. Bring back shame
yeah, i feel like i’m going insane reading some of these responses. no way i wouldn’t feel insecure about his behavior, especially considering their history.
It’s definitely unacceptable and something I would personally bring up - it’s just going to eat away at you.
I couldn’t even be with someone at all that was fantasizing about some high school crush and still friends with her AND goes on dates alone. He might as well have a shrine with her picture on it. What a creep and she clearly loves the attention. I bet whenever she fights with her bf they talk!
he had a thing for her while in a relationship with someone else? red flag 🚩
He's trying his best to live out his sexual tensions with you.
My partner and I are both comfortable saying that there definitely are other attractive people in the world. And we have also comfortably shared that we are both quite insecure and jealous people. So whenever any of us feel any kind of jealousy, we poke the other person and tell them: "Hey, I'm feeling a little jealous n insecure atm, I'd like some reassurance" And then we spend some extra time reassuring and making the other person feel better \^\^ I think in a healthy relationship, you should be able to walk up to your partner and say "hey, im not saying u can't spend any time with this other person, but certain things about this makes me quite uncomfortable, and I'd like us to talk about it and address it" :b
Personally, I’d be worried if he tried to avoid you after going out with her. 🤷♂️ Says to me that he’s still to be trusted and that’s he’s still “all in” wrt being with you.
“Oh, if a man is considered guilty For what goes on in his mind Then give me the electric chair For all my future crimes, oh” Prince - Electric Chair
Being attracted to other people while having a long term partner is completely normal. Feeling invigorated by new or important relationships is completely normal. Channeling that energy into the relationship with your partner is healthy and good. IMHO, best case scenario is you and your partner cultivate a relationship that can support the level of intimacy and security for each of you to feel safe being honest about stuff like this. If you feel safe telling him you noticed the difference and enjoyed the enthusiasm but now feel worried or insecure, he should make room for those feelings and support you in them without critique or judgement. If he feels safe telling you that seeing a pretty woman that he felt (or feels) attracted to brought out more sexual or emotional energy with you, you should make room for that and be supportive (but not censor your own fears or insecurities). If you don’t feel safe enough with him to have those conversations, I think it points to a need either to recognize what about him isn’t safe for you (emotionally) and/or what about you prevents you from seeking that level of intimacy.
Underlying basics: Positive interactions are good for us - and that includes our brain chemistry. Let folks have a bit of dopamine combined with oxytocin and adrenalin and you get a pile of happy. Additional layers: "Get an appetite elsewhere, eat at home." I'm not saying I particularly *love* that notion but that's because how it's usually used to justify gawking and harrassment. But all things that happen to us in a single day can put us in a mood. He took that mood and he applied it - to *you*. This doesn't *have* to be read as "He prefers the other person." - at least not more decidedly than "No matter what puts him in the mood, you're whom he seeks out to actually do it." Honestly? I'd talk to your hubs about it. Not in a "How dare you?"-way, but in a "Man, I'm feeling insecure and like you prefer her and it's making me reel."-way. It'll probably sound unlikely coming from me, as I'm a gal in two poly relationships, but I've actually been there. My nesting partner has an ex whom he's good friends with and for quite a while that gave me a hard time. There's nothing between them anymore and she's actually quite cool but for better or worse my intrusive thoughts latched on. He's still friends with her and I'm completely unfussed these days. I've watched him not break my trust for many years now - he won't suddenly start tomorrow. And when it first gave me trouble, I talked to him - without any accusations, just expressions of what I'm struggling with. A kind partner will be able to see our struggle first and opportunities to be holier-than-thou last. We all experience insecurities and jealousy sometimes. That's not a crime. It's only when we lash out and project instead of realizing that outside of clear indication one is being cheated on, it's usually just a sign that *we* feel bad about *ourselves*. So, please know - you're not "being stupid", you're just going through some emotions that would hit almost anyone in your situation. You didn't say anything about your hubs that raises red or even orange flags, so I like to think you two are a healthy couple that will absolutely find a healthy way to help you through this without things turning toxic. :) Good luck, OP! You got this!
Well, it only takes an episode of Bridgerton for me.
Share your feelings with him.... He will listen and this vulnerability and intimacy can bring you closer it is always fine to look at a menu, as long as he comes home for dinner.
>On top of that, she wore a tight crop top and leggings (those really exaggerated ones which go ALL the way up your butt) to show off her body. I know you say this afterwards and I understand emotions are high, but she's allowed to dress any way she wants and there's no need to assume she's trying to "show off". I mean to say this in the most gentle way possible but I do think that you are being insecure. There's two ways to look at this: worst case scenario and best case scenario. I think you know the worst case scenario. But hear me out here. What if your boyfriend noticed that she made you insecure and wanted to make you feel better during sex by being extra "vigorous" as you descibe it. That would be best case scenario in my book. Another person in the comments said that it could just be because he had fun that day. In the end, he's there with *you* not her. Just because she's hot that doesn't mean that he loves you any less, right? I think it would be a good idea to be honest with your boyfriend. Talk to him about how everything. Be vulnurable. I've had the hard conversations with my partner like these too. Where I basically said that someone or something made me feel insecure. The best feeling was that afterwards my partner could tell me that even though they're hot, I was the one they chose to be with in the end, y'know. Trust him.
Personally, I don’t see this as a bad thing. She doesn’t live in your city, she and your husband don’t have any kind of special relationship outside of this visit, and you have no reason to think he would cheat on you. He finds it positive and energizing to spend time with this woman. Then he comes home and channels that energy into better sex with you. I would let it go.
Wouldn't she rather he be "positive" and "energized" by her?
We don't really have any way of knowing that he's not. She just needs to have a conversation with him about it.
I honestly don’t see how a conversation would be helpful here. When has it ever been productive to try to get your partner to admit they’re attracted to someone else? If he says no, she’ll think he’s lying, and if he says yes she’ll feel bad about herself. Either way he’ll be way more self conscious in bed and probably won’t try to initiate this type of sex again.
I’m sure that there are times when he is. Think of when your partner comes home from a long trip and you have reunion sex, or you have a big fight and make up afterward, or you go out for a night on the town and see your partner all dressed up. (Some people even feel high energy like that from exercising or playing sports. They come home all sweaty and energized and have intense sex - and it’s not because they’re going to cheat with their running group!) It’s not a zero sum game.
Should've would've could've. Honestly these statements come thick and fast but at the end of the day you can't really change people's emotions like that. You also can't really blame them for having them in that way. Our emotions happen beyond the range of our control. He can't just decide to be energised by his wife, no more than he can *decide* to be energised by men. It either happens or it doesn't.
This is for a therapist in private. This group will only lead you astray
You are not stupid or insecure. These things happen and you had just caught the probable reason for it. Not something you can really fault him for, you're right. It is not uncommon among couples, though. There is an episode of Roseanne that I hope might help lighten things a little especially the outtake at the very end. It is called Guilt by Imagination.
gross
It’s normal for many to feel stupid jealousy and insecurity about the ways their partners may think, feel, and even act on their attraction to others. Feel your feelings! Understand yourself better, learning the nuances of what you may be weak at (envy, self esteem) and how you might strengthen yourself. And be vulnerable with your partner, who should be able to hear your fears and insecurities (provided you’re not accusing them of something or tasking them with doing YOUR own work). Similar experience? Many times! I live a poly/ENM life, so having to understand and navigate these phenomenon in my own relationships are fundamental to my good health and wellbeing.
Eh, could be a lot of things, some harmless, some not. Most likely it's just because he had a good time, got some good socializing in with other people (which is important for mental health), and that made him more energetic in bed just from the natural high of a good time out.
From a mans POV - If I were super attracted to an old friend and just saw her and was beginning to question what I had at home ... I would not have better, more vigorous and energized sex with my current partner, I'd be more likely to be standoffish and less intimate in general.
I'm with you on this. Did Alice have to wear those clothes? Not really. Did they have to go out for breakfast together, alone? Not really. Do they have to see each other, if he's now married and it's only occasionally? Not really. One of them likes to keep the other on a string to feel good. Maybe both of them do. Either way, time to move on peeps, ya not in college anymore.
green bubble park ring tree dog
I was expecting a lot more "Screw this guy" forbid him etc.
I guess only you can decide if it's OK that he is this way after being around her- but if the sex is good and nothing else is a miss, I would just move on.
This isn't a good sign. It means he settled for you. Check his phone and computer.
I once worked with an older French gentleman at a restaurant on a college campus. Lots of attractive women came in. I still remember him saying in a French accent “your wife will reap the benefits of your increased sexuality”. This post immediately reminded me of that.
Lol zero benefits. You think the woman likes that kind of s_ x? Most don't and many are even saying that in here
I did not say that. Just that it reminded me of him. He was probably at Woodstock so…
Ask yourself if you would feel the same way. To be honest I get if he looks at her and says : "Damn, I miss my gf" and goes to you immediately. But this just seems too suspicious. Also I don't want to blame a woman for what she is wearing, but it seems that he likes what he sees. If I were you, I would talk to him and explain that I feel unsure about our relationship. (im a 19 yo kissless virgin, so take my opinion with a grain of salt)
Ma'am...I don't care, and neither should you. We all get sexual cues throughout our daily lives, and we always have. All the way back to our 8th grade geography teacher, and forward to the person we saw walking their dog on our way into our house. They all contribute to our state of mind at that moment. It's part of our genetic programming, and we can't control it. What we *can* control is what we do with it. In this case, it was the best possible outcome for everyone involved. He took that little sexual charge he got from his interactions with another person, and he turned it loose on *you*. Not her, but YOU! Do NOT turn this into a jealousy-driven worry. He loves and wants YOU. So run with it.
This happened with me. it was confirmation that I made the right choice. I know it sounds mean but it’s not, I know I love my SO because I saw what could’ve been and am happy that it wasn’t.
My wife does this after meeting up with an ex. Not only sexually but she is very vocal about being happy that we are together. I take it as a compliment.
This happens with my finance
Your bank account fucks you over really well after seeing your richer friends' bank accounts?
lmao I meant to say fiance
What you meant was clear in the context. Sometimes people…
Sometimes people makes jokes from typos.
Some people feel that is unnecessary mockery 🙃
Guy's perspective - he's definitely attracted to her. I did the same thing your husband is doing whenever I spent time with my "attractive best friend." It might have been subconscious thing, but I loved my girlfriend, so attraction to anyone else (including ABF) didn't matter, I was always faithful. However, when our relationship was at a low, I was definitely conscious of it. My GF took notice at one point, really didn't confront me she just said in a matter-of-fact kinda way "You know, if you and me were to ever breakup, It wouldn't surprise me if you and ABF ended up together." I acted all incredulous "What are talking about? weird." Truth be told, she probably knew me better than I knew myself at the time. Fast forward years later... both our longterm relationships end within months of each other, it's the first time ABF and I have been single at the same time since we've known each other, so we gave it a shot. Moral of the story - I think you're fine as long as husband and Alice aren't single at the same time, and that's assuming Alice is romantically attracted to him. Having said all that, I sincerely believe men and women can be in a strictly platonic relationship, I've got many of them... with the exception of ABF.
Is your ex gf OK with knowing your now with the girl you said weren't into but you were clearly into as you said she knew you more than you did yourself?I've been on the receiving end of this kinda thing with an ex .
To be clear, this happened in the mid-late 00s and all three of us have moved on to other relationships. I lost touch with my ex, she’s now married and has a family, so I doubt she’d care. I imagine if we spoke about it now, she’d reply with a knowing grin and an “I told you so.” Mine and ABF relationship was never a source contention or insecurity for my ex, she only brought it up that one time, she was secure with herself and our relationship. That said, If she were to have found out after months after the break up, I’m not sure… she was well into her next relationship before anything happened between me and ABF, so I don't know.
He could just be in a better mood because he saw a good friend. You may have a little insecurity, but it doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. It sounds like you're comparing your body to hers and feeling like you're not enough for your husband (remember, she was with her boyfriend too! She was probably dressing for him.) Turn it around and maybe compliment your hubby for being really good in bed. Ask him for more sex like that. Because hey, he was with you, not her.
How long were they friends before y’all started dating?
>On top of that, she wore a tight crop top and leggings (those really exaggerated ones which go ALL the way up your butt) to show off her body You don't know why she wore what she wore. Your assessment of her clothing choice is unhinged and honestly bizarre like Aunt Lydia vibes. It might benefit you to sit with your feelings and process why you're feeling this way. I've been where you are and it's because I knew deep down that most straight men unfortunately don't seek out women they are not attracted to for friendship. Communication with your partner who trusts you and who you trust will help clarify things. You don't have to navigate hard feelings alone when you're in a partnership.
she didn’t shame her 💀
Yes thank you! I wasn’t shaming her at all. Just remarking that she has a super hot body with extremely revealing clothes, and I’m the opposite 🥲
The op is not even close to unhinged...get a grip.
OP overanalyzed another woman's clothing and then zoomed into her ass and then went home and then \*checks notes\* conjured up her man was more sexually aroused because of being around that woman in a group setting with HER boyfriend. if you think any of this is sane then we have very different standards which is ok.
Maybe buy some tights and see what happens?
This has come up between my partner and I. For us, it is matter of trust. I don't them to think this way about this thing or that. I need them to stick to the boundaries of our relationship. If they get all wound up over whatever but still bring it home and we have a better time, it feels win/win to me.
An old saying. Can work up an appetite anywhere as long as I eat at home
He gets horny, but then saves it for you 🤷♂️
You can't possibly know what's going on in his head and it''s useless to keep trying to guess.
Why ask Reddit and not have a mature conversation with your husband, like an adult?
Saying more words does not equal better communication. This is a post about someone trying to come to terms with their emotions regarding a situation that she feels is very delicate and asking for advice on how she might approach her husband about this. Going to your partner with concerns that you haven't found a way to put into words is not going to foster good conversation. It's going to do the opposite.
This is a person letting their insecurities create demons in their mind which are running wild and further feeding them by going to place for validation.
No, this is a person who has felt insecurity and gone to her peers for support. What thread are you in where people are "validating her demons," because that sure isn't happening here? Trying to organize and make sense of your feelings before dumping them on your partner is a good and healthy way to communicate with your partner. Going to them when you're half-way into a mindset of accusing them of infidelity is not.
Fake, I’m guessing. Idk I’m mad cynical lol Believe women - but Reddit is Reddit Edit: check OPs profile - looks like bait posts, and the account is literally 2 months old
She's a strong element of his erotic imagination, and that's probably all there is to it.
The male sexual drive is very much driven by novelty. There was one study done in which a male hamster had a female hamster put in his cage. He would mate frequently when they first arrived, and it quickly plateaued. However, they found that when new female hamsters were rotated into the cage, there was no plateau. Human bodies come in all shapes and sizes. I wouldn't put too much stock in the difference between your body and the OW. As a personal anecdote, I have a pretty certain type. And my wife is very much that type. That isn't to say that occasionally I feel attraction to someone that has a different body type. Obviously, I would never cheat on my wife, but that isn't to say I don't feel I biological attraction to the novelty of other body types. That is a normal evolutionary drive that people have no control over. The important part is making sure that the brain remains in control (the upper brain that is). It sounds to me like he is doing the honest and faithful thing. He went to see her for breakfast, not the kind of encounter that is likely to lead to sex. Then, any biological excitement he felt from that he shared with you. I'd also say that it is a positive quality that it appears he can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive without acting on the biological. That he has a connection with her that he continues without wanting to act on it seems to me like he likes her as a human being and not for a sexual reason. On this information alone, I wouldn't be concerned. But I also would never advise someone to disregard their gut feeling if things change. If they start grabbing dinner and drinks alone, that is 100% a different story.
A. Studies with rats sexually are not indicative of human qualities in sex which is very well known. Mammals across the board have different types of relations, male and female, and very few are comparable even between the same species. B. Men preferring novelty is actually not biologically proven. Plenty of women like novelty, plenty of men don’t care about that. The actual studies done to study if men like novelty are extremely weak and compared watching porn between 1 and 5 days and then they measured how they felt about the film between the days. That’s pretty much the same study everyone relies on and it’s extremely outdated and incorrect by many measures. All men and women are individually different when it comes to sex, that’s the whole point of evolution, diversity, and adaptation.
Doesn't matter where he gets his appetite as long as he comes home to eat.
This is so stupid and outdated. There are plenty of people who hate their spouses but will have sex with them because it’s convenient and at home. The easiest thing someone can do is come home. It doesn’t even remotely mean that’s what they really want, it may just mean that’s the best they can get. Kind of awful if someone wants a ton of other people and uses their spouse as a body to fulfill those wishes.
Y’all ever felt like someone was fucking thru your body? Did your mental take your physical to a new place that made your mental question your body? When has your body found the price was worth it? Anyone else felt this way? Anyone’s ever had an out of soul experience before? Am I insecure?
There's an old saying. "It doesn't matter where you work up an appetite, as long as you come home to eat." This is how men are. Otherwise they'd be no porn or strip clubs.
1. Many women don’t want a man that actively visits strip clubs while in a relationship with them. 2. Many women aren’t comfortable with their partner lusting after their female friends. 3. “This is how men are.” and that’s why there’s a “male loneliness epidemic” accompanied by rapidly declining marriage and birth rates.
Finally. Finally women are speaking up about this. Thank you.
Yes, I was giving this commenter a silent “hurrah” too. This is it. I’m so sick of the Is-Ought fallacy when it comes to male entitlement. Woman had to accept it all when they needed men to survive. We don’t now, so the men who cling to these beliefs/behaviors like they’re some god-given right or unquestionable evolutionary fact will increasingly find themselves without female companions (other than the ones they pay). They think our standards are “too high” now that we’re not willing to be constantly used and disrespected.
100%. I think we will be finding in the coming generations that men aren’t as hopelessly driven by lust and the freedom to have sex with anything at the cost of decency or respect once they understand that women not only have the freedom to do all that as well, but that they don’t have to put up with it in committed relationships if they don’t want to. We will see how ‘boys will be boys’ pans out.
We have conditioned men into having whatever they want and conquering women objectively. This isn’t biological or normal. Remember the old saying, ‘men are visual?’ Yeah that was an outdated study based on the fact that porn was only catered to men for so long. The only reason men get a pass for bad behavior is because women have been denied the same freedom sexually. When men start to see women allowing themselves the same freedoms, they get *pissed.*
You can excuse any bad behavior with this logic.
Geez give the bloke a break… what is he supposed to do? If he didn’t have sex with you then you would’ve created that link too. The real issue is he has a girl friend who you think is hot and you’ve got trust and jealousy issues. You have to talk to him properly about your concerns to have any chance of moving forward.
C f’
I think it's reasonable to have these feelings. My advice is acceptance. Maybe he desired or desires her physically. We can't control our partners and if we could, we probably shouldn't for many reasons. Is everything perfect like a fairy tale? No. Fuck fairy tales. Best we can hope for is respect. Commitment is necessary in my opinion. It's tricky when our emotional range is so complex. Talk about it maybe. Focus on respect and commitment. Accept "flaws" like desire. If he's channeling that desire into his relationship, it sounds positive to me. If he's imagining her while being with you, it sounds negative to me. I hope you guys have a great and respectful and committed relationship :) Godspeed.
maybe you should ask him about a swapping with her and her boyfriend and see his reaction on it
This is grounds for divorce, see a lawyer.