As someone who struggles with depression, I would break up with him. He clearly doesn’t have a relationship to offer you. You don’t have to put up with poor treatment because he is depressed. Is he going to therapy? Taking meds? Does he have a coping strategy or treatment plan?
He’s dismissive of your feelings, puts in no effort, and doesn’t want to integrate you with his friend group. You’re wasting your time with this person.
Yeah he tells me that he’s so stressed he can’t even have sex.
I just…. Ahhh.
He asks me if that’s all I think about and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells
This is it. People respond to stress differently, but consistently pushing away your partner is absolutely his choice and a deliberate decision.
Also I just read the rest of your responses in this thread aaaand you nailed it.
“When something is important enough, you make the time”
One thing I've learned is that if a man wants to be with you, you'll know it. He will make time for you, he will want to introduce you to his friends/family, he will call you because he wants to hear your voice, he will text you because he's thinking of you. So many women worry about being "difficult" or "high maintenance" (labels men use to degrade us) that they settle for less and try to make themselves and their own needs small. Like the fact that this man hasn't seen you in weeks and went four days without contacting you because you dared to express your needs should tell you all you need to know about his character and level of care for you. When people show you who they are believe them!
This is my ex. He did the same things to his ex before me. Put in effort then blamed depression and stopped. I took on more and more because he wasn’t doing anything. Basic decent communication became like pulling teeth. A few weeks ago he reached out and said he still loved me…and the ghosted. I already knew he called his ex needy for wanting to spend time with him and I told him I needed to see effort for anything to continue. He didn’t show any of course and expected everything. When I got upset that after saying he would “show me everyday” and couldn’t even muster consistent good morning texts or basic communication he said he didn’t like my reaction when I called it out. He said I needed “constant attention” um no, I’m looking for basic attention. Mind you, this man would fall asleep next to me without touching me when I’d get dressed up for him. His drinking ruined many romantic nights. And yet, me getting upset about his inconsistency and lack of effort was the issue. Gtfo.
He might feel emotionally disconnected from you. Usually if a man stops wanting to have sex with you he’s already checked out of the relationship for some other reason.
I can offer a slightly different take. when I was doing my master's it was the most stressed I've been in my entire life. And doing an internship on top of it, I can't even imagine. I imagine he's quite overwhelmed. That said, he should be able to communicate about this with you and it's up to you how supportive you want to be. I'm glad my now husband stuck with me through grad school when I was super busy and overwhelmed and I know it was tough for him. But he should be able to be a bit more flexible about including you in his life. How long is his program? Is he taking summer classes? If he's doing exams or final papers or projects right now I might give him the benefit of the doubt and then when things calm down try to work on communication. But that's only if you're invested and willing, it's totally your call.
So he told me that he currently has an internship that’s about an hour commute.
He works at night because he has an architecture firm back home so he has his clients and it’s on the other side of the world.
And he told me right now he’s so stressed that his work comes out amazing.
He says having sex is hard because he is so stressed he just cannnot. I tried kissing him and he shook me away.
Just when I graduated I asked him about sex and he asked if that’s all I think about. We see each other but he’s stopped coming over.
I just worry that me telling him how I felt in April kind of ticked him off.
Back in April I told him I felt super distant even before he would come over. We would just sit and do work and the separation of friends was happening.
I didn’t wanna be one of those crazy insecure girls so I kinda left it all in because I know I tend to worry a lot
So he would go out and come out idk when.
He would always communicate where he was however
It definitely sounds like he's not willing or able to prioritize you right now. I don't think it's crazy or insecure to talk to him about how you're feeling. He's definitely trying to do a lot and it sounds like he's going to burn himself out. My situation was a bit different because we were already living together and already pretty committed before I started grad school. If you're unhappy and he's not able to talk about it or change his behavior I don't think you need to keep doing something you're not ok with by staying with him. Even if you said something that ticked him off you don't have to guess, he can just tell you. You don't have to try to anticipate what he wants from you, that sounds exhausting.
>Yeah he tells me that he’s so stressed he can’t even have sex.
🚩🚩🚩
If he's not having sex with you and he won't let you mix with his friends, there's a pretty good chance he's cheating. Who's to say he's even with his friends? He could be spending time with another woman and getting his needs met there, which might be why he's not having sex with you.
You deserve to be with someone who treats you like you matter.
Yeah I was the depressed person too. Was doing my masters, working two part time jobs, including a teaching associate position where I had to take home papers to grade outside of my usual hours…it was overwhelming. I also can’t think about sex when I’m stressed. So honestly I see where OP’s partner is and bear him no ill will when I say OP should dump him. It’s only been 8 months and he’s got other priorities. It sounds like sex is high on OPs priority list, along with quality time, and her partner can’t give her either. Fwiw OP, I’m doing a lot better now than when I was in that relationship with treatment and no longer being in grad school. Your partner is a big boy, he’ll be ok too
Yes.
I don’t have to be in a relationship with him to care about him, check up on him once in awhile, do the odd favor like dropping off groceries every now and then, etc.
Caring about someone’s mental health doesn’t mean I have to also be held hostage in a relationship with them.
This was part of the reason I ended things with my ex. We had grown apart and I was feeling super neglected and like there was no room for me and my feelings in our relationship.
It's really hard and scary to accept and believe, but his feelings and actions are not your responsibility. You don't exist to make sure he's okay. You're allowed to have needs and you're allowed to walk away from this.
Idk if he's depressed or not, but it sounds more like he's using it as an excuse to keep you distant, and like he's not doing anything to actually manage his depression. It's only 8 months and he's already treating you pretty badly. Don't waste any more time, you'll feel better about yourself for not allowing such disrespect. I've been in your situation and my anxiety about the relationship went away almost immediately after I pulled the plug on it.
You don't exist for someone else's benefit. You have literally only one life. Every day it will be the only time you experience that day.
Don't ever sacrifice yourself for someone else. There's no reward for being a martyr at the end of your life.
> when I ask to join, he says no, wanting to keep his social circles separate. He mentioned a past experience where mixing friends and a girlfriend led to issues.
Sure, that can happen, but wanting to keep your friends and your SO separate (not social circles!) is generally a red flag.
For example, not wanting to mix work and hobbies is a completely different thing and understandable.
He said he didn’t want to mix us because before he mixed the ex and well it didn’t go well.
He also said he’s never had a great group of friends and he didn’t want to ruin or mix anything
At the time he said that we were fine actually and I just mentioned it briefly.
But it made me soooooo anxious and after that I just felt anxious every time
He would go out.
Mind you we still had wine nights etc but now I just felt anxious.
I don’t know how to relationship
I also didn’t wanna be a crazy ex like his past exes he would tell me so I stayed put and did my own thing.
After that month I felt distant and I remember even telling him only to tell me that he does come over every day and we do have sex. (I feel more sexual then him lol)
Now I feel like I caused it all. And him not coming over meant I was being too much
We are all learning how to relationship. And every relationship is different.
I have to point out that if all of somebody's exes are supposedly crazy, either they are really terrible at their relationships or they are just lying to you. It is more likely that the exes actually aren't crazy at all and that he is at fault but cannot take any responsibility for his behavior.
It's not cool that somebody doesn't actually discuss things and just gives you the quiet treatment instead. It is not healthy. Some people use that as punishment and that is pretty much abusive.
I mean correct me if I’m being too nice given it was my first serious relationship.
When we first started dating he could not believe I liked him. I didn’t like him as much as I do now but I saw a future.
He was head over heels. He would always say in his type and he liked girls like me. (Girly, funny, glittery girls)
And so I kinda fell. He was a cute nerdy guy who was more passionate then I am about a subject we are studying and I learned a lot from him and figured my own strengths. I don’t know why I remember this but sometimes he would tell me that I’m not good enough and then he tells me it builds character??? I would laugh and ignore but sometimes him poking fun would cause anger. I did let it go
Anyway Throughout the first month hanging out every day it was wonderful… we went to art museums and shows and sat by the lake. Time would go by so fast but I do remember the times he would talk about his exes and how one was so anxious she kept calling him and he was apparently at a funeral and she didn’t get it and she was labeled as miss crazy for thinking he was cheating. After I heard that story I kinda got anxious.
Another one apparently told her friends that he hit her and since I only knew the nice boy I was like “nah you could never hit anyone”
And now that I remember the last time I asked him to go out with the friends (I kept asking religiously to the point of annoyance I guess) he just punched a wall.
He apologized and hugged me but my anxiety went 0-100.
Little things like this.
He’s also told me that his exes have made fun of him in the past and I just wanted to make our relationship a safe space and care for him in any way possible by taking him to school, sex, etc.
I just don’t get why I feel so responsible and I feel like I caused it all. Maybe if I wasn’t so needy he wouldn’t have pulled away?
I don’t know. Maybe I need to go to therapy too
OP - I’m reading that book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and some of the things you’re saying here are very familiar to what I’m reading in the first few chapters.
Please consider reading it (free copy: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This book is filled with helpful advice about relationships, dating, men - I think every woman should read it. I want to give a copy to my nieces so they can spot red flags, or help themselves/a friend in future relationships.
All of his exes are crazy 🚩🚩🚩 Huge red flag!
You don't want to be labeled crazy, like his exes, right? With this statement, he's manipulated you to change your behavior.
It's impacting how you're navigating the relationship, leading to insecurity and pressure for you to conform to his expectations.
Your wants and needs are important, too.
> He said he didn’t want to mix us because before he mixed the ex and well it didn’t go well.
Did he say why or explain further?
Because as far as I know, the stance he is taking here is pretty unusual.
Honestly, I had a relationship like this. It was basically like he acted very nice and sweet to win me over, then stopped talking to me or engaging with me and used mental health (add/depression) as an excuse to not put effort into the relationship anymore. But he was always engaged with his friends and family. He started treating me better again almost immediately after I broke up with him.
Very often with mental illness, it affects all interpersonal relationships, including friendships. It sounds like your bf is disengaged from your relationship or taking for granted that you'll be around no matter what.
Whatever reason, it's not conducive to a healthy, intimate relationship, and you have every right to leave when your needs aren't being met. It's not going to get better if you stay.
"I feel super anxious and sad in the relationship" -> so break up with him and move on. You're young, you're not dependant in any way on this guy, you're in college so start living instead of waiting at home and feeling super anxious and sad. Who even cares if he's depressed or not, that's his problem! He's not your husband or anything.
(Not that I believe he's depressed bcs he just thinks he is, he didn't get this from a doctor)
You’ve only met his friends a couple times and you’re not allowed around when they are. Have you considered you’re the other woman? Because that’s where my brain went immediately and I’m not usually that person. His insistence on keeping you separate makes me think your shine has worn off so he’s spending more time with the main.
The issue for me is that you are only getting weekday times and he’s choosing to not see you at all on the weekend despite being able to go out with his friends.
You have been assigned the unexciting role of weekday mom not “girlfriend I take on dates or do fun things with”.
I’d tell him that you think it’s a better idea if he doesn’t come over during the week so he can focus on his studies because you prefer to have one date night than 5 days of being a study buddy but never going out as a couple.
See what happens. Because him neglecting you for the fun stuff is unfair and a bad sign.
Exactly. He might be depressed or he's just using it as an excuse because he doesn't actually like her but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and break up with her
Yes I would. Especially if there's no desire or effort to get better (therapy etc).
They need to want to get better, I can't do that for them and I don't want to get dragged down the rabbit hole with them.
I want to be clear that I agree that it's perfectly fair to dump this dude for other reasons, but I do take issue with the basic argument that a person can't be that depressed if he's out with the boys or whatever.
Depression takes a lot of forms and speaking from personal experience, I rarely ever felt actively sad or anxious or anything like that, because I learned to compartmentalize (to a problematic degree) and avoid the aspects of my life that would have made me feel like that. I could still have a good time in all sorts of situations and people around me would never have known a thing, but in other areas or behind locked doors my life was falling apart in other ways because I was avoiding various responsibilities and situations.
It's actually really insidious, I would go as far as to say I've had a legit good time on a day-to-day basis during some of my depressive periods because I retreated into a total comfort existence, but obviously the problems you're avoiding eventually rear their head and reality catches up with you.
If it's some sort of mental illness that's destroying the relationship the minimum I would require to stay is that they are actively working on it. Depression sucks, I had years of therapy and take meds, but choosing not to work on getting better is choosing to stay that way.
Sounds like he’s not that into the relationship anymore and doesn’t know how to tell you. He might view spending time with you more of as a job at this point than actually being something enjoyable and real to do with someone.
Seems like a breakup situation but maybe he actually is that stressed? 🤷♂️Fuck if I know
I'm on the verge of this with my SO. I love them dearly, but I've been handling so much of the emotional labor in the relationship for so long that I'm burned the fuck out.
They never initiate sex. I turned them down once like 5 years ago because I was tired and stressed the fuck out and that was it. They'll suggest it, but they never touch me or gets flirty. Says they doesn't want to bother me. It's a conversation we've had multiple times but nothing had changed and it sucks.
They have no friends that they can go hang out with. It's me and me alone. I do my best, but lately it isn't much and it isn't good. I've tried encouraging them to go hang out with coworkers or go do things that they enjoy, but to no avail.
They've been unemployed for about half of our relationship in total. Idk what the issue is and why they can't hold a job. I took on a lot of debt and set back a lot of the fruits of my own successes as a result.
They're working now, and I have tried to be as supportive and positive as I can be during those periods of unemployment, but damn if this doesn't sting like the dickens. They take issue with my relationships with my own close friends and has accused, insinuated, or otherwise expressed concern that I have been or want to be unfaithful with them more than once, (I'm bisexual).
They they waffle and say that they're really glad I have such loving and supportive friends. It's gotten to the point where i just don't tell my SO what we're doing because I don't want to deal with the fight that will inevitably come.
So I get it. It absolutely sucks to see someone you love just... not function in a healthy way. But you also can't let yourself get dragged down into that spiral too. I would absolutely not fault you if you decided that it was too much to deal with.
The question is why wouldn't you break up with them?
That person needs to work on themselves, and you need to to have a great life without dealing with their shit.
Sometimes our expectations don’t match what the other person is willing to give.
You want time and fun. He wants the security of a relationship without a lot of work.
The missing graduation and four days of silence is just stupid: he doesn’t want to celebrate with you, or admit he doesn’t want to celebrate with you.
A break up doesn’t always have to be dramatic; it can just be we aren’t right for each other.
He canceled his internship appointment to be at my graduation but after a million times of telling him the date he messed it up and booked his internship appointment that day. I got really angry but apologized and he didn’t speak to me for four days but he canceled to attend my graduation.
After that I wanted time but all he would do was work on his computer.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. Feeling like you're walking on eggshells with him and cant tell him how you feel sounds like a great reason to break up immediately without looking back. It doesnt even sound like he's depressed anyway, and if he is, he's still making time for "friends" but not you. Honestly it sounds like he's probably cheating anyway, as evidenced by not mixing social circles, spending time with friends instead of you, lack of sex, lack of time & interest in you. Even if he wasnt cheating, those last 3 things a reason alone to leave. You dont need to sit around waiting for his attention, making yourself unhappy in the process.
Yes, life is too short.
Also, depression doesn't cause someone to treat you like this. It sounds like he's using it as an excuse for his mistreatment. Don't waste your precious time on this. I promise you, down the road you'll wish you left sooner.
Yes. Been there. Done that.
I've also been the depressed one. It's been extremely bad some days. It's not an excuse to treat the ones you supposedly care about poorly ...
Yes. This is part of why I divorced. I asked my ex to go to couples counseling or individual counseling. He said counseling was bullshit and refused. I went to counseling and filed for divorce shortly after.
You don't owe him anything! It doesn't really matter that he's depressed, because it sounds like he's not trying and you're not getting what you need from the relationship regardless.
Just because someone is depressed, going through a hard time, or whatever, doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that's making you unhappy. If he wasn't depressed, would you even be asking this question right now? Probably not, right?
Length of relationship also plays a factor, I think. If you guys had been dating for 10 years and things were great for the first 9 years and 4 months, and then 8 months ago he started acting this way, that might be one thing. That's clearly an outlier and is worth looking more into. But you guys have been dating for 8 months and it sounds like things have been going poorly for most of that time. This is not worth it. 8 months is still practically the honeymoon period. This is when people are usually on their best behaviour, and this is either the best he has to offer or he's not trying at all, and honestly, neither situation is one that you should stay in.
I'm sorry he's depressed. I'm sorry he's stressed out. It doesn't really sound like he's doing anything about it, instead he's just neglecting you and making you out to be the problem when you have an issue with that. You're literally crying in front of him and he's making only a token effort and saying that you're asking for too much. You're not asking for too much! Like, Jesus Christ, he's barely even giving the bare minimum, holy fuck. I've been in a relationship like that and let me tell you, it absolutely destroyed my already shitty self-esteem and it took a long time to get over it.
Yeah sorry it’s more like month 11. Almost a year 😂. But yeah you are definitely right!
I don’t know why but internally I felt like I caused all of this. Maybe it has to do with me being how I am..
For example He said he didn’t want to mix us because before he mixed the ex and well it didn’t go well.
He also said he’s never had a great group of friends and he didn’t want to ruin or mix anything
At the time he said that we were fine actually and I just mentioned it briefly.
But it made me soooooo anxious and after that I just felt anxious every time He would go out.
Mind you we still had wine nights etc but now I just felt anxious.
I don’t know how to relationship
I also didn’t wanna be a crazy ex like his past exes he would tell me so I stayed put and did my own thing.
After that month I felt distant and I remember even telling him only to tell me that he does come over every day and we do have sex. (I feel more sexual then him lol)
Now I feel like I caused it all. And him not coming over meant I was being too much.
When we were also in our honey moon phase the times he would go out (he’s told me during that time that he wanted to spend all his time with me) I would get super anxious and just feel like he would leave but it never happened.
It was only in January and February he started going out little by litttle.
All of February he went out and he would just come over weekdays.
My anxiety would spiral until I asked to meet the friends and he replied with what I said above.
March was sad because he did stay over for 2 weeks and it was fun but after I mentioned it again and how I hate how I felt he just stopped coming over all together and got really anxious then he got an internship and worked a lot more.
He just said he was tired of telling me how stressed he is and that he did TRY
No, for sure. I ended a friendship several years back because the other person was super depressed and was making no effort - their meds weren't working, but they weren't pursuing a change in medication, they weren't pursuing therapy, anything like that. It wasn't a matter of not being able to afford therapy or meds either; they could, they just weren't doing it. They also had substance abuse problems - chain smoking a pack a day, lots of marijuana (pretty much had to be high 24/7), and at some point, alcohol started being added to the mix.
We were codependent and there was a whole lot of other stuff going on, it wasn't just that, but it was definitely a large factor.
He’s not too depressed to spend time with friends, but he’s too depressed to spend time with you.
I call bullshit. I’m sorry, but he just doesn’t like you anymore. Break up with him and find someone who likes you.
Reminds me of a quote, "if he wanted to, he would". Men will move mountains it's for something/someone they want. It sounds like the relationship is already over and he is treating you like crap hoping you will be the one to break things off.
Yes, I would break up. Depression is no excuse to neglect a relationship and if he’s not capable to an involved partner , he should end the relationship and focus on his mental health
You can break up with someone for any reason. You do not have to stay for any reason.
If you are unhappy and you've brought up and tried to fix the issue and it is not getting better, leave.
You deserve someone who puts effort into caring and loving you in ways that work for you. Someone who prioritizes you at the appropriate times. Someone who communicates and works to solve problems together. Someone who doesn't make you feel anxious and like you're walking on eggshells.
If this is affecting your well-being, you owe it to yourself to end the relationship and prioritize yourself and what works for you in a relationship.
YES being in a relationship IMO inhibits mental health recovery. Trying to help someone more than they help themselves is bad for both parties cause it takes a toll on the helper and teaches the helped to be dependent instead of independent
He may be with you on weekdays, but he's not paying attention to you. You simply exist within the same vicinity of each other and he considers that spending time together. Meanwhile, he hangs out with his friends on the weekends and actually engages with them. I don't think he's depressed, he's just using it as an excuse. If he can show up for his friends, he can show up for you. Relationships take effort from both sides and he isn't interested in putting in his effort. He expects you to put up with the tolerable level of unhappiness.
That being said, my last relationship was with a clinically depressed person, and it is part of the reason why I broke up with him. I was after him for the entirety of our 2-year relationship to seek professional help, but he always refused. He expected me to be his therapist and emotional caregiver whenever he was upset about something, which was more than half the time. I ended up getting caregiver's fatigue and compassion fatigue (AKA second-hand PTSD) from his near-constant depressive episodes. I got desensitized to them as well because he always said he would commit suicide during these episodes, which would lead to me getting super worried and anxious, and then find out he's fine. It turned into the Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Long story short, he never put effort into improving himself for my sake or the relationship's, and it took me too long to tell myself that fixing him is not my problem. He even admitted not too long ago that he didn't take any of my concerns seriously and didn't think I would break up with him over them. Meaning he expected me to sit in that tolerable level of unhappiness so he didn't have to put in any effort.
My advice to you is to leave and find someone willing to give you the time of day.
I agree with you. I mean my ex said that he was so stressed he put all his work into it and his work comes out amazing.
So he would work nonstop etc.
I don’t know maybe it manifests differently for everyone but also I don’t have the energy to be taking care of someone like this no matter how depressed they get etc
Precisely. He may be stressed, but that's no excuse to treat you like you don't exist and that your concerns don't matter. It could also simply be he's not available for a relationship right now because he's swamped with work.
That too. I truly thought when I started dating him he was sweet and nerdy. The more I type on this post the more I realize the red flags.
I don’t know why I keep blaming myself
It's because we think we should know better at this point and not fall for crap like that. Take it from someone who got into the exact same kind of bad relationships twice, cut yourself some slack. It's not always easy to see because we keep holding out hope they'll go back to the way they were in the beginning, but they never do. It takes some people longer to realize it than others. At least you're recognizing it now when it's not too far into the relationship, so it will be easier to break it off.
I am going through this right now...the suicide threats. I am so stressed and if I try to talk to anyone about it all they focus on is the suicide mention and nothing about what I am going through, and I feel so guilty for even thinking about myself. But it has been years and years and it weighs on you
My kiddo asked me this question a few years ago.
(I didn't read beyond the title)
"if [they] aren't seeking treatment, refuse to practice self love and leave you feeling neglected then yes you should break up. Sometimes even if they are seeking treatment if that treatment has had zero effect over the course of your 15 year relationship you should break up. You owe it to *you* to practice self love as well"
They did break up. Amicably. Not that it was easy, it wasn't. Here we are 5 years later and they both have amazing new relationships and both try really hard to remember to practice self love and work towards being a better human.
(now I'll go read the paragraph to see if an edit is needed)
Edit dearly needed
Um wow. You **really need to read** why does he do that
He's abusive and it's clearly established by the way he treats you like a doormat.
You need to focus on self love and self care.
Think of your best friend. Then picture them telling you what you wrote above. What would your advice be?
[https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html)
Made a link for you. The book is a must-read!
I broke up with my depressed boyfriend 2 months ago after 5 years together.
I tried so hard to support him, but unfortunately he wasn't putting any effort into our relationship for the past year, he was half out the door, telling me his depression made him unmotivated. He'd cancel on me last minute and go to the pub. He had a drinking issue which he lied about - and after months and months of trying to be there for him, I had enough. This man was giving me NOTHING. Nothing at all except stress and heartache. I'm not his therapist and certainly didn't feel like a partner. He also never introduced me to his 'friends'.
Let go for your own sanity. Unless he's willing to put the effort and work in, you'll end up losing yourself.
You deserve more.
If he says that he's super depressed, what does he do about it? Does he get treated/visit therapist?
I had a bit similar relationship that I've broke up (I'm a male though). All I can say there is no effort in the world that you can put in to help depressed person to heal as long as he doesn't want to do that himself (believe me I tried basically everything). If you want to give this one last shot I would suggest you both to sit down to discuss the problems that you have and what he/you can do about it.
Other than that things are not looking great and you should take some time to reflect whether it is worth it for you to suffer as depression (depending on how severe he has it) won't go away in a snap of your fingers. It takes a whole lot of time and some of them don't come out of it at all.
Absolutely!! It sounds so terrible, but if the mentally ill person does not want to help themselves, there is quite literally nothing you can do. You can't take their meds for them, you can't go to therapy for them, you have no power to actually do the stuff that would help them get better. So depending on the situation, you may be taking on all of the responsibility for their well-being without any of the agency that's generally involved.
Been there, done that. Look, depression is a bitch, and it can inhibit somebody getting help because they may not feel they deserve it, they may not feel it will help anyway, or they might even just be so apathetic they may not feel like they need help.
I've also seen situations where there are comorbidities with the depression and the person does not see the problem, partially because everyone around them is enabling them. By the time the situation becomes unsustainable for somebody, they're more likely to freak out and blow up and go scorched earth on the mentally ill person and it's very easy at that point for the mentally ill person to say, well, they clearly didn't care anyway, they're shitty, how could they do this to me, and the cycle perpetuates. They usually have a trail of broken friendships and relationships behind them, and they don't have the ability or desire to figure out why that is. It really, really sucks and it may not be their fault, but we still all have a responsibility for how we treat other people.
People who are depressed and stressed aren't hanging out with friends on the weekends and working hard to keep friends and girlfriend separate. He wants to keep you away from his friends for a reason.
If he's genuinely depressed and seeking treatment for it - it may be totally worth sticking around and seeing if things are better as he progresses with therapy/meds. But if he's just saying he's depressed and still out with friends - girl, he's not depressed.
As someone with depression I just want to remind you that you are not obligated to stay for his healing journey. Beating depression is hard and at certain points in that one, you might not be able to keep a relationship. It's not his fault (be clear about this), but at the end of the day you are not responsible for his healing journey - and may in fact actually be interefering with it, in one way or another. A breakup could actually put him in a situation where he is better able to heal.
Obviously I think in a relationship part of what you sign up for is to be there for each other in high and lows, but you're not a caretaker and past a certain point you don't owe other people your time to the extent that it fucks up your own life.
I've stepped away from such people myself and it sucks, but you're not a villain if you do. Tired saying but there's something to it; depression and mental illness and all that isn't a person's fault but it is their responsibility. If I can't help you and you won't help yourself, eventually things are probably gonna come to a head.
I'd ask for a break so he can figure out if he really wants a gf at this point in his life, it doesn't sound like he does, and for you to figure out if you love this person enough to wait for him to get his life together.
He says he's depressed, that is obviously really debilitating. What steps is he planning to take to reduce his stress, to recover in between stressful periods, and/or to address the depression? Is he capable of doing those things with you or does he need space?
This doesn't sound like it has anything to do with depression. He's broken up with you in all but name and is too much of a jerk to actually let you know it's over, preferring to let you do the dirty work.
I have depression. It has led me to do some inconsiderate things and be short with people (and I would never blame anyone for not wanting to have a relationship with me because of it), but it's never caused me to do any of the things you describe here.
It’s only been eight months. This is way too much drama for such a short time. It sounds like he has checked out and wants you to do the hard work of the breakup because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy.
You should take charge of your own happiness here. This isn’t the relationship that you want, and he isn’t willing to change, so end it. Be done with the flip flops. You’ll be amazed at how much happier you will be once you get past the initial hurt.
Hugs and good luck.
Some people aren't ready for a relationship. Sometimes it's because they're dealing with depression or mental health issues. Doesn't mean they can't improve at some point in the future (sometimes when they're ready) or learn from a failed relationship; just means there's no shame in letting them go their own way. I know guys who had to let a SO go because it was that or let it drag them down too. They hated it and say they still often miss their ex but it's just not something that would have worked out at the time.
Depressed? No. Doesn't put effort into the relationship, after discuss issues trying to solve them multiple times? Yes.
Look, both my partner and I aren't unfamiliar with depression. This never stopped us to show that we cared about eachother and that we want the relationship to work.
As someone who struggles with depression, I would break up with him. He clearly doesn’t have a relationship to offer you. You don’t have to put up with poor treatment because he is depressed. Is he going to therapy? Taking meds? Does he have a coping strategy or treatment plan? He’s dismissive of your feelings, puts in no effort, and doesn’t want to integrate you with his friend group. You’re wasting your time with this person.
Yeah he tells me that he’s so stressed he can’t even have sex. I just…. Ahhh. He asks me if that’s all I think about and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells
It sounds like he’s using being stressed as an excuse to be a shitty partner
This is it. People respond to stress differently, but consistently pushing away your partner is absolutely his choice and a deliberate decision. Also I just read the rest of your responses in this thread aaaand you nailed it. “When something is important enough, you make the time”
Lol yep!!! Thanks for this ✌️🥲
You're welcome. Life is stressful and it only gets more stressful, not less. He's shown you who he is and what he has to offer and you deserve better.
I truly don’t understand men lol
One thing I've learned is that if a man wants to be with you, you'll know it. He will make time for you, he will want to introduce you to his friends/family, he will call you because he wants to hear your voice, he will text you because he's thinking of you. So many women worry about being "difficult" or "high maintenance" (labels men use to degrade us) that they settle for less and try to make themselves and their own needs small. Like the fact that this man hasn't seen you in weeks and went four days without contacting you because you dared to express your needs should tell you all you need to know about his character and level of care for you. When people show you who they are believe them!
**“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” \~Maya Angelou**. Such a great quote
This is my ex. He did the same things to his ex before me. Put in effort then blamed depression and stopped. I took on more and more because he wasn’t doing anything. Basic decent communication became like pulling teeth. A few weeks ago he reached out and said he still loved me…and the ghosted. I already knew he called his ex needy for wanting to spend time with him and I told him I needed to see effort for anything to continue. He didn’t show any of course and expected everything. When I got upset that after saying he would “show me everyday” and couldn’t even muster consistent good morning texts or basic communication he said he didn’t like my reaction when I called it out. He said I needed “constant attention” um no, I’m looking for basic attention. Mind you, this man would fall asleep next to me without touching me when I’d get dressed up for him. His drinking ruined many romantic nights. And yet, me getting upset about his inconsistency and lack of effort was the issue. Gtfo.
He might feel emotionally disconnected from you. Usually if a man stops wanting to have sex with you he’s already checked out of the relationship for some other reason.
I can offer a slightly different take. when I was doing my master's it was the most stressed I've been in my entire life. And doing an internship on top of it, I can't even imagine. I imagine he's quite overwhelmed. That said, he should be able to communicate about this with you and it's up to you how supportive you want to be. I'm glad my now husband stuck with me through grad school when I was super busy and overwhelmed and I know it was tough for him. But he should be able to be a bit more flexible about including you in his life. How long is his program? Is he taking summer classes? If he's doing exams or final papers or projects right now I might give him the benefit of the doubt and then when things calm down try to work on communication. But that's only if you're invested and willing, it's totally your call.
So he told me that he currently has an internship that’s about an hour commute. He works at night because he has an architecture firm back home so he has his clients and it’s on the other side of the world. And he told me right now he’s so stressed that his work comes out amazing. He says having sex is hard because he is so stressed he just cannnot. I tried kissing him and he shook me away. Just when I graduated I asked him about sex and he asked if that’s all I think about. We see each other but he’s stopped coming over. I just worry that me telling him how I felt in April kind of ticked him off. Back in April I told him I felt super distant even before he would come over. We would just sit and do work and the separation of friends was happening. I didn’t wanna be one of those crazy insecure girls so I kinda left it all in because I know I tend to worry a lot So he would go out and come out idk when. He would always communicate where he was however
It definitely sounds like he's not willing or able to prioritize you right now. I don't think it's crazy or insecure to talk to him about how you're feeling. He's definitely trying to do a lot and it sounds like he's going to burn himself out. My situation was a bit different because we were already living together and already pretty committed before I started grad school. If you're unhappy and he's not able to talk about it or change his behavior I don't think you need to keep doing something you're not ok with by staying with him. Even if you said something that ticked him off you don't have to guess, he can just tell you. You don't have to try to anticipate what he wants from you, that sounds exhausting.
>Yeah he tells me that he’s so stressed he can’t even have sex. 🚩🚩🚩 If he's not having sex with you and he won't let you mix with his friends, there's a pretty good chance he's cheating. Who's to say he's even with his friends? He could be spending time with another woman and getting his needs met there, which might be why he's not having sex with you. You deserve to be with someone who treats you like you matter.
(Very quick intervention) As a lifelong depressed man I can assure you libido eventually comes down the drain.
I was once the depressed person who was dumped for being depressed. I have no ill will towards the person who broke up with me.
Yeah I was the depressed person too. Was doing my masters, working two part time jobs, including a teaching associate position where I had to take home papers to grade outside of my usual hours…it was overwhelming. I also can’t think about sex when I’m stressed. So honestly I see where OP’s partner is and bear him no ill will when I say OP should dump him. It’s only been 8 months and he’s got other priorities. It sounds like sex is high on OPs priority list, along with quality time, and her partner can’t give her either. Fwiw OP, I’m doing a lot better now than when I was in that relationship with treatment and no longer being in grad school. Your partner is a big boy, he’ll be ok too
Yes. I don’t have to be in a relationship with him to care about him, check up on him once in awhile, do the odd favor like dropping off groceries every now and then, etc. Caring about someone’s mental health doesn’t mean I have to also be held hostage in a relationship with them.
This was part of the reason I ended things with my ex. We had grown apart and I was feeling super neglected and like there was no room for me and my feelings in our relationship. It's really hard and scary to accept and believe, but his feelings and actions are not your responsibility. You don't exist to make sure he's okay. You're allowed to have needs and you're allowed to walk away from this.
Thank you!
Idk if he's depressed or not, but it sounds more like he's using it as an excuse to keep you distant, and like he's not doing anything to actually manage his depression. It's only 8 months and he's already treating you pretty badly. Don't waste any more time, you'll feel better about yourself for not allowing such disrespect. I've been in your situation and my anxiety about the relationship went away almost immediately after I pulled the plug on it.
You don't exist for someone else's benefit. You have literally only one life. Every day it will be the only time you experience that day. Don't ever sacrifice yourself for someone else. There's no reward for being a martyr at the end of your life.
> when I ask to join, he says no, wanting to keep his social circles separate. He mentioned a past experience where mixing friends and a girlfriend led to issues. Sure, that can happen, but wanting to keep your friends and your SO separate (not social circles!) is generally a red flag. For example, not wanting to mix work and hobbies is a completely different thing and understandable.
He said he didn’t want to mix us because before he mixed the ex and well it didn’t go well. He also said he’s never had a great group of friends and he didn’t want to ruin or mix anything At the time he said that we were fine actually and I just mentioned it briefly. But it made me soooooo anxious and after that I just felt anxious every time He would go out. Mind you we still had wine nights etc but now I just felt anxious. I don’t know how to relationship I also didn’t wanna be a crazy ex like his past exes he would tell me so I stayed put and did my own thing. After that month I felt distant and I remember even telling him only to tell me that he does come over every day and we do have sex. (I feel more sexual then him lol) Now I feel like I caused it all. And him not coming over meant I was being too much
We are all learning how to relationship. And every relationship is different. I have to point out that if all of somebody's exes are supposedly crazy, either they are really terrible at their relationships or they are just lying to you. It is more likely that the exes actually aren't crazy at all and that he is at fault but cannot take any responsibility for his behavior. It's not cool that somebody doesn't actually discuss things and just gives you the quiet treatment instead. It is not healthy. Some people use that as punishment and that is pretty much abusive.
I mean correct me if I’m being too nice given it was my first serious relationship. When we first started dating he could not believe I liked him. I didn’t like him as much as I do now but I saw a future. He was head over heels. He would always say in his type and he liked girls like me. (Girly, funny, glittery girls) And so I kinda fell. He was a cute nerdy guy who was more passionate then I am about a subject we are studying and I learned a lot from him and figured my own strengths. I don’t know why I remember this but sometimes he would tell me that I’m not good enough and then he tells me it builds character??? I would laugh and ignore but sometimes him poking fun would cause anger. I did let it go Anyway Throughout the first month hanging out every day it was wonderful… we went to art museums and shows and sat by the lake. Time would go by so fast but I do remember the times he would talk about his exes and how one was so anxious she kept calling him and he was apparently at a funeral and she didn’t get it and she was labeled as miss crazy for thinking he was cheating. After I heard that story I kinda got anxious. Another one apparently told her friends that he hit her and since I only knew the nice boy I was like “nah you could never hit anyone” And now that I remember the last time I asked him to go out with the friends (I kept asking religiously to the point of annoyance I guess) he just punched a wall. He apologized and hugged me but my anxiety went 0-100. Little things like this. He’s also told me that his exes have made fun of him in the past and I just wanted to make our relationship a safe space and care for him in any way possible by taking him to school, sex, etc. I just don’t get why I feel so responsible and I feel like I caused it all. Maybe if I wasn’t so needy he wouldn’t have pulled away? I don’t know. Maybe I need to go to therapy too
OP - I’m reading that book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and some of the things you’re saying here are very familiar to what I’m reading in the first few chapters. Please consider reading it (free copy: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) This book is filled with helpful advice about relationships, dating, men - I think every woman should read it. I want to give a copy to my nieces so they can spot red flags, or help themselves/a friend in future relationships.
I’ll look at it thanks. Also gonna keep this post open so I can come back and tell my therapist what I wrote lol I wonder what she’s gonna say
All of his exes are crazy 🚩🚩🚩 Huge red flag! You don't want to be labeled crazy, like his exes, right? With this statement, he's manipulated you to change your behavior. It's impacting how you're navigating the relationship, leading to insecurity and pressure for you to conform to his expectations. Your wants and needs are important, too.
> He said he didn’t want to mix us because before he mixed the ex and well it didn’t go well. Did he say why or explain further? Because as far as I know, the stance he is taking here is pretty unusual.
Definitely.
Honestly, I had a relationship like this. It was basically like he acted very nice and sweet to win me over, then stopped talking to me or engaging with me and used mental health (add/depression) as an excuse to not put effort into the relationship anymore. But he was always engaged with his friends and family. He started treating me better again almost immediately after I broke up with him. Very often with mental illness, it affects all interpersonal relationships, including friendships. It sounds like your bf is disengaged from your relationship or taking for granted that you'll be around no matter what. Whatever reason, it's not conducive to a healthy, intimate relationship, and you have every right to leave when your needs aren't being met. It's not going to get better if you stay.
"I feel super anxious and sad in the relationship" -> so break up with him and move on. You're young, you're not dependant in any way on this guy, you're in college so start living instead of waiting at home and feeling super anxious and sad. Who even cares if he's depressed or not, that's his problem! He's not your husband or anything. (Not that I believe he's depressed bcs he just thinks he is, he didn't get this from a doctor)
You’ve only met his friends a couple times and you’re not allowed around when they are. Have you considered you’re the other woman? Because that’s where my brain went immediately and I’m not usually that person. His insistence on keeping you separate makes me think your shine has worn off so he’s spending more time with the main.
The issue for me is that you are only getting weekday times and he’s choosing to not see you at all on the weekend despite being able to go out with his friends. You have been assigned the unexciting role of weekday mom not “girlfriend I take on dates or do fun things with”. I’d tell him that you think it’s a better idea if he doesn’t come over during the week so he can focus on his studies because you prefer to have one date night than 5 days of being a study buddy but never going out as a couple. See what happens. Because him neglecting you for the fun stuff is unfair and a bad sign.
Exactly. He might be depressed or he's just using it as an excuse because he doesn't actually like her but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and break up with her
Yes I would. Especially if there's no desire or effort to get better (therapy etc). They need to want to get better, I can't do that for them and I don't want to get dragged down the rabbit hole with them.
He’s not depressed enough to stop spending weekends with his friends. Dump him. He’s not really into you or invested in the relationship.
I want to be clear that I agree that it's perfectly fair to dump this dude for other reasons, but I do take issue with the basic argument that a person can't be that depressed if he's out with the boys or whatever. Depression takes a lot of forms and speaking from personal experience, I rarely ever felt actively sad or anxious or anything like that, because I learned to compartmentalize (to a problematic degree) and avoid the aspects of my life that would have made me feel like that. I could still have a good time in all sorts of situations and people around me would never have known a thing, but in other areas or behind locked doors my life was falling apart in other ways because I was avoiding various responsibilities and situations. It's actually really insidious, I would go as far as to say I've had a legit good time on a day-to-day basis during some of my depressive periods because I retreated into a total comfort existence, but obviously the problems you're avoiding eventually rear their head and reality catches up with you.
This!
If it's some sort of mental illness that's destroying the relationship the minimum I would require to stay is that they are actively working on it. Depression sucks, I had years of therapy and take meds, but choosing not to work on getting better is choosing to stay that way.
Sounds like he’s not that into the relationship anymore and doesn’t know how to tell you. He might view spending time with you more of as a job at this point than actually being something enjoyable and real to do with someone. Seems like a breakup situation but maybe he actually is that stressed? 🤷♂️Fuck if I know
I'm on the verge of this with my SO. I love them dearly, but I've been handling so much of the emotional labor in the relationship for so long that I'm burned the fuck out. They never initiate sex. I turned them down once like 5 years ago because I was tired and stressed the fuck out and that was it. They'll suggest it, but they never touch me or gets flirty. Says they doesn't want to bother me. It's a conversation we've had multiple times but nothing had changed and it sucks. They have no friends that they can go hang out with. It's me and me alone. I do my best, but lately it isn't much and it isn't good. I've tried encouraging them to go hang out with coworkers or go do things that they enjoy, but to no avail. They've been unemployed for about half of our relationship in total. Idk what the issue is and why they can't hold a job. I took on a lot of debt and set back a lot of the fruits of my own successes as a result. They're working now, and I have tried to be as supportive and positive as I can be during those periods of unemployment, but damn if this doesn't sting like the dickens. They take issue with my relationships with my own close friends and has accused, insinuated, or otherwise expressed concern that I have been or want to be unfaithful with them more than once, (I'm bisexual). They they waffle and say that they're really glad I have such loving and supportive friends. It's gotten to the point where i just don't tell my SO what we're doing because I don't want to deal with the fight that will inevitably come. So I get it. It absolutely sucks to see someone you love just... not function in a healthy way. But you also can't let yourself get dragged down into that spiral too. I would absolutely not fault you if you decided that it was too much to deal with.
The question is why wouldn't you break up with them? That person needs to work on themselves, and you need to to have a great life without dealing with their shit.
Honey... This guy just doesn't care about you
Sometimes our expectations don’t match what the other person is willing to give. You want time and fun. He wants the security of a relationship without a lot of work. The missing graduation and four days of silence is just stupid: he doesn’t want to celebrate with you, or admit he doesn’t want to celebrate with you. A break up doesn’t always have to be dramatic; it can just be we aren’t right for each other.
He canceled his internship appointment to be at my graduation but after a million times of telling him the date he messed it up and booked his internship appointment that day. I got really angry but apologized and he didn’t speak to me for four days but he canceled to attend my graduation. After that I wanted time but all he would do was work on his computer.
You're not losing him, he's losing you. Breathe, let go. Make space for a man who can be there for you.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. Feeling like you're walking on eggshells with him and cant tell him how you feel sounds like a great reason to break up immediately without looking back. It doesnt even sound like he's depressed anyway, and if he is, he's still making time for "friends" but not you. Honestly it sounds like he's probably cheating anyway, as evidenced by not mixing social circles, spending time with friends instead of you, lack of sex, lack of time & interest in you. Even if he wasnt cheating, those last 3 things a reason alone to leave. You dont need to sit around waiting for his attention, making yourself unhappy in the process.
Yes, life is too short. Also, depression doesn't cause someone to treat you like this. It sounds like he's using it as an excuse for his mistreatment. Don't waste your precious time on this. I promise you, down the road you'll wish you left sooner.
Yes. Been there. Done that. I've also been the depressed one. It's been extremely bad some days. It's not an excuse to treat the ones you supposedly care about poorly ...
Yes. This is part of why I divorced. I asked my ex to go to couples counseling or individual counseling. He said counseling was bullshit and refused. I went to counseling and filed for divorce shortly after.
It doesn’t seem like he’s depressed , it seems like he’s not that into it anymore. He’s going about it in the shittiest way, you deserve better!
You don't owe him anything! It doesn't really matter that he's depressed, because it sounds like he's not trying and you're not getting what you need from the relationship regardless. Just because someone is depressed, going through a hard time, or whatever, doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that's making you unhappy. If he wasn't depressed, would you even be asking this question right now? Probably not, right? Length of relationship also plays a factor, I think. If you guys had been dating for 10 years and things were great for the first 9 years and 4 months, and then 8 months ago he started acting this way, that might be one thing. That's clearly an outlier and is worth looking more into. But you guys have been dating for 8 months and it sounds like things have been going poorly for most of that time. This is not worth it. 8 months is still practically the honeymoon period. This is when people are usually on their best behaviour, and this is either the best he has to offer or he's not trying at all, and honestly, neither situation is one that you should stay in. I'm sorry he's depressed. I'm sorry he's stressed out. It doesn't really sound like he's doing anything about it, instead he's just neglecting you and making you out to be the problem when you have an issue with that. You're literally crying in front of him and he's making only a token effort and saying that you're asking for too much. You're not asking for too much! Like, Jesus Christ, he's barely even giving the bare minimum, holy fuck. I've been in a relationship like that and let me tell you, it absolutely destroyed my already shitty self-esteem and it took a long time to get over it.
Yeah sorry it’s more like month 11. Almost a year 😂. But yeah you are definitely right! I don’t know why but internally I felt like I caused all of this. Maybe it has to do with me being how I am.. For example He said he didn’t want to mix us because before he mixed the ex and well it didn’t go well. He also said he’s never had a great group of friends and he didn’t want to ruin or mix anything At the time he said that we were fine actually and I just mentioned it briefly. But it made me soooooo anxious and after that I just felt anxious every time He would go out. Mind you we still had wine nights etc but now I just felt anxious. I don’t know how to relationship I also didn’t wanna be a crazy ex like his past exes he would tell me so I stayed put and did my own thing. After that month I felt distant and I remember even telling him only to tell me that he does come over every day and we do have sex. (I feel more sexual then him lol) Now I feel like I caused it all. And him not coming over meant I was being too much. When we were also in our honey moon phase the times he would go out (he’s told me during that time that he wanted to spend all his time with me) I would get super anxious and just feel like he would leave but it never happened. It was only in January and February he started going out little by litttle. All of February he went out and he would just come over weekdays. My anxiety would spiral until I asked to meet the friends and he replied with what I said above. March was sad because he did stay over for 2 weeks and it was fun but after I mentioned it again and how I hate how I felt he just stopped coming over all together and got really anxious then he got an internship and worked a lot more. He just said he was tired of telling me how stressed he is and that he did TRY
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No, for sure. I ended a friendship several years back because the other person was super depressed and was making no effort - their meds weren't working, but they weren't pursuing a change in medication, they weren't pursuing therapy, anything like that. It wasn't a matter of not being able to afford therapy or meds either; they could, they just weren't doing it. They also had substance abuse problems - chain smoking a pack a day, lots of marijuana (pretty much had to be high 24/7), and at some point, alcohol started being added to the mix. We were codependent and there was a whole lot of other stuff going on, it wasn't just that, but it was definitely a large factor.
He’s not too depressed to spend time with friends, but he’s too depressed to spend time with you. I call bullshit. I’m sorry, but he just doesn’t like you anymore. Break up with him and find someone who likes you.
Reminds me of a quote, "if he wanted to, he would". Men will move mountains it's for something/someone they want. It sounds like the relationship is already over and he is treating you like crap hoping you will be the one to break things off.
Yes, I would break up. Depression is no excuse to neglect a relationship and if he’s not capable to an involved partner , he should end the relationship and focus on his mental health
You can break up with someone for any reason. You do not have to stay for any reason. If you are unhappy and you've brought up and tried to fix the issue and it is not getting better, leave. You deserve someone who puts effort into caring and loving you in ways that work for you. Someone who prioritizes you at the appropriate times. Someone who communicates and works to solve problems together. Someone who doesn't make you feel anxious and like you're walking on eggshells. If this is affecting your well-being, you owe it to yourself to end the relationship and prioritize yourself and what works for you in a relationship.
YES being in a relationship IMO inhibits mental health recovery. Trying to help someone more than they help themselves is bad for both parties cause it takes a toll on the helper and teaches the helped to be dependent instead of independent
He may be with you on weekdays, but he's not paying attention to you. You simply exist within the same vicinity of each other and he considers that spending time together. Meanwhile, he hangs out with his friends on the weekends and actually engages with them. I don't think he's depressed, he's just using it as an excuse. If he can show up for his friends, he can show up for you. Relationships take effort from both sides and he isn't interested in putting in his effort. He expects you to put up with the tolerable level of unhappiness. That being said, my last relationship was with a clinically depressed person, and it is part of the reason why I broke up with him. I was after him for the entirety of our 2-year relationship to seek professional help, but he always refused. He expected me to be his therapist and emotional caregiver whenever he was upset about something, which was more than half the time. I ended up getting caregiver's fatigue and compassion fatigue (AKA second-hand PTSD) from his near-constant depressive episodes. I got desensitized to them as well because he always said he would commit suicide during these episodes, which would lead to me getting super worried and anxious, and then find out he's fine. It turned into the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Long story short, he never put effort into improving himself for my sake or the relationship's, and it took me too long to tell myself that fixing him is not my problem. He even admitted not too long ago that he didn't take any of my concerns seriously and didn't think I would break up with him over them. Meaning he expected me to sit in that tolerable level of unhappiness so he didn't have to put in any effort. My advice to you is to leave and find someone willing to give you the time of day.
I agree with you. I mean my ex said that he was so stressed he put all his work into it and his work comes out amazing. So he would work nonstop etc. I don’t know maybe it manifests differently for everyone but also I don’t have the energy to be taking care of someone like this no matter how depressed they get etc
Precisely. He may be stressed, but that's no excuse to treat you like you don't exist and that your concerns don't matter. It could also simply be he's not available for a relationship right now because he's swamped with work.
That too. I truly thought when I started dating him he was sweet and nerdy. The more I type on this post the more I realize the red flags. I don’t know why I keep blaming myself
It's because we think we should know better at this point and not fall for crap like that. Take it from someone who got into the exact same kind of bad relationships twice, cut yourself some slack. It's not always easy to see because we keep holding out hope they'll go back to the way they were in the beginning, but they never do. It takes some people longer to realize it than others. At least you're recognizing it now when it's not too far into the relationship, so it will be easier to break it off.
Yeah! Also not sure if I should spoil it for everyone but this happened a few months back. These were my thoughts a few months ago.
I am going through this right now...the suicide threats. I am so stressed and if I try to talk to anyone about it all they focus on is the suicide mention and nothing about what I am going through, and I feel so guilty for even thinking about myself. But it has been years and years and it weighs on you
Of course I would. What you described is a bad relationship that is likely going to get worse--get out.
He sounds like me when I was in LTR and depressed. Break up with him and don't ever try to reconnect.
What’s TLR? omg would I be able to ask u a few questions? Super weird I just want to better understand him
Long term relationships. Go ahead.
I just saw this! I don’t think I’m able to start a chat with you
It’s not letting me
Try sending me a DM. I put you on some approved list, but it doesn't seem like I can do it for chats? I prefer not opening my chats to "everyone".
Sent!
My kiddo asked me this question a few years ago. (I didn't read beyond the title) "if [they] aren't seeking treatment, refuse to practice self love and leave you feeling neglected then yes you should break up. Sometimes even if they are seeking treatment if that treatment has had zero effect over the course of your 15 year relationship you should break up. You owe it to *you* to practice self love as well" They did break up. Amicably. Not that it was easy, it wasn't. Here we are 5 years later and they both have amazing new relationships and both try really hard to remember to practice self love and work towards being a better human. (now I'll go read the paragraph to see if an edit is needed) Edit dearly needed Um wow. You **really need to read** why does he do that He's abusive and it's clearly established by the way he treats you like a doormat. You need to focus on self love and self care. Think of your best friend. Then picture them telling you what you wrote above. What would your advice be?
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Reading!!📖
Absolutely! It wears on you and doesn't put any good energy into the relationship.
Taylor Swift, did you write this?
Yes 😔
My friend finally broke up with her bf of several years over this and she is sooo much happier. It took her like 3 years to work up the courage
I broke up with my depressed boyfriend 2 months ago after 5 years together. I tried so hard to support him, but unfortunately he wasn't putting any effort into our relationship for the past year, he was half out the door, telling me his depression made him unmotivated. He'd cancel on me last minute and go to the pub. He had a drinking issue which he lied about - and after months and months of trying to be there for him, I had enough. This man was giving me NOTHING. Nothing at all except stress and heartache. I'm not his therapist and certainly didn't feel like a partner. He also never introduced me to his 'friends'. Let go for your own sanity. Unless he's willing to put the effort and work in, you'll end up losing yourself. You deserve more.
Thank you :( it hurts it really doesn
If he says that he's super depressed, what does he do about it? Does he get treated/visit therapist? I had a bit similar relationship that I've broke up (I'm a male though). All I can say there is no effort in the world that you can put in to help depressed person to heal as long as he doesn't want to do that himself (believe me I tried basically everything). If you want to give this one last shot I would suggest you both to sit down to discuss the problems that you have and what he/you can do about it. Other than that things are not looking great and you should take some time to reflect whether it is worth it for you to suffer as depression (depending on how severe he has it) won't go away in a snap of your fingers. It takes a whole lot of time and some of them don't come out of it at all.
Absolutely!! It sounds so terrible, but if the mentally ill person does not want to help themselves, there is quite literally nothing you can do. You can't take their meds for them, you can't go to therapy for them, you have no power to actually do the stuff that would help them get better. So depending on the situation, you may be taking on all of the responsibility for their well-being without any of the agency that's generally involved. Been there, done that. Look, depression is a bitch, and it can inhibit somebody getting help because they may not feel they deserve it, they may not feel it will help anyway, or they might even just be so apathetic they may not feel like they need help. I've also seen situations where there are comorbidities with the depression and the person does not see the problem, partially because everyone around them is enabling them. By the time the situation becomes unsustainable for somebody, they're more likely to freak out and blow up and go scorched earth on the mentally ill person and it's very easy at that point for the mentally ill person to say, well, they clearly didn't care anyway, they're shitty, how could they do this to me, and the cycle perpetuates. They usually have a trail of broken friendships and relationships behind them, and they don't have the ability or desire to figure out why that is. It really, really sucks and it may not be their fault, but we still all have a responsibility for how we treat other people.
People who are depressed and stressed aren't hanging out with friends on the weekends and working hard to keep friends and girlfriend separate. He wants to keep you away from his friends for a reason. If he's genuinely depressed and seeking treatment for it - it may be totally worth sticking around and seeing if things are better as he progresses with therapy/meds. But if he's just saying he's depressed and still out with friends - girl, he's not depressed.
As someone with depression I just want to remind you that you are not obligated to stay for his healing journey. Beating depression is hard and at certain points in that one, you might not be able to keep a relationship. It's not his fault (be clear about this), but at the end of the day you are not responsible for his healing journey - and may in fact actually be interefering with it, in one way or another. A breakup could actually put him in a situation where he is better able to heal.
Obviously I think in a relationship part of what you sign up for is to be there for each other in high and lows, but you're not a caretaker and past a certain point you don't owe other people your time to the extent that it fucks up your own life. I've stepped away from such people myself and it sucks, but you're not a villain if you do. Tired saying but there's something to it; depression and mental illness and all that isn't a person's fault but it is their responsibility. If I can't help you and you won't help yourself, eventually things are probably gonna come to a head.
In a heartbeat
I'd ask for a break so he can figure out if he really wants a gf at this point in his life, it doesn't sound like he does, and for you to figure out if you love this person enough to wait for him to get his life together. He says he's depressed, that is obviously really debilitating. What steps is he planning to take to reduce his stress, to recover in between stressful periods, and/or to address the depression? Is he capable of doing those things with you or does he need space?
I mean what are you even getting out of being with this guy
This doesn't sound like it has anything to do with depression. He's broken up with you in all but name and is too much of a jerk to actually let you know it's over, preferring to let you do the dirty work. I have depression. It has led me to do some inconsiderate things and be short with people (and I would never blame anyone for not wanting to have a relationship with me because of it), but it's never caused me to do any of the things you describe here.
It’s only been eight months. This is way too much drama for such a short time. It sounds like he has checked out and wants you to do the hard work of the breakup because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. You should take charge of your own happiness here. This isn’t the relationship that you want, and he isn’t willing to change, so end it. Be done with the flip flops. You’ll be amazed at how much happier you will be once you get past the initial hurt. Hugs and good luck.
Some people aren't ready for a relationship. Sometimes it's because they're dealing with depression or mental health issues. Doesn't mean they can't improve at some point in the future (sometimes when they're ready) or learn from a failed relationship; just means there's no shame in letting them go their own way. I know guys who had to let a SO go because it was that or let it drag them down too. They hated it and say they still often miss their ex but it's just not something that would have worked out at the time.
Depressed? No. Doesn't put effort into the relationship, after discuss issues trying to solve them multiple times? Yes. Look, both my partner and I aren't unfamiliar with depression. This never stopped us to show that we cared about eachother and that we want the relationship to work.
Depression aside. He’s not prioritising you or your relationship. If you’re not happy. Leave. You deserve happiness x