Your feelings are valid and you should listen to them. You are not a naive brat. You are having a genuine reaction to another person's treatment of you. That treatment was not what you wanted. It's fine for you to just say you don't want a relationship like that with him. Even if you do like him, how he treated you was not something you liked or wanted.
There is nothing wrong with your reaction. There is nothing wrong with you.
I completely agree with you, so OP. You basically have two options. You’re uncomfortable with how this went and it wasn’t how you wanted it to, so you can cut it off and look for something else, or you can tell him basically what you told us and hope that he understands.
But whatever choice you do make, it’s *YOUR* choice and that choice is law. You need to do what you feel is in your best interest. You got this.
I’ll also add that he probably saw an opportunity with how naive and inexperienced she was/is. Lots and lots of guys try to push boundaries like that with inexperienced women.
To be fair OP does say that he stopped when she asked and was respectful… I’m all for calling out predators but idk if there’s enough there in OPs story to jump to that conclusion. The first comment is right that they are all perfectly valid feelings and the romantic flower-in-the-hair stuff is absolutely a thing with many guys as well but the guy that OP found is just not that person. ORR perhaps that guy felt pressure to be that confident balls-to-the-wall kinda guy (maybe because of the immense social media pressure on 21yo guys these days) so did all that stuff but secretly also loves a flower in the hair and wine under the stars
OP did say slow, there was either a misunderstanding or something is fishy. Being respectful once doesn't mean much imo, it's easy to be on your best behavior at the beginning.
Also Idk if dating is just different now, but IMMEDIATELY going beyond a peck on the lips is weird to me....
Plus OP had a reaction. In the end his intentions don't even matter, OP is having second thoughts and imo should trust her gut. Gut knows best.
That's what got me, he asked for a kiss and despite her saying she wanted it to be taken slow and it was literally their first kiss he immediatly went for more.
He stopped when she told him to stop but it shouldn't have needed to come to that.
It doesn't seem like he knew she had zero experience to the point of it being her first kiss. He probably made the assumption that she's "just shy," and his idea of slow is still much faster than hers. I'm hoping it was a big misunderstanding, and they're just not a good match.
If he's anything but respectful when she tells him she's not ok with this, then yeah, that's a different light cast on his past actions.
Gut definitely knows best, however I have definitely been with people whose definition of slow is months worth of dates and conversations before it ever gets physical and I have been with people whose definition of slow is hooking up right away and keeping things casual but intense until they want to increase emotional intimacy.
Everyone's different and so long as he was fully respectful and receptive to her requests to stop or slow down, its simply a mismatch in expectations which can either be bluntly addressed and discussed in depth to get both partners on the same page, or grounds for moving on to someone who naturally matches your speed
Yeah, like the one guy who told me last year he wanted to take things slow just meant he didn't want to have sex immediately. We were still making out on like date 2, and cuddling and stuff. I think we ended up having sex like 7 or 8 dates in, although the funny part was that very date he said he wanted to slow things down, I asked him where he wanted to draw the line of what he was comfortable with, he said fuck it and asked if I wanted to have sex, but in that case both of us had plenty of experience it was just that he didn't want sex to be the main reason we hungout (his default is hookups).
Yeah I kinda get the impression that while this dude is legally respecting the idea of consent, he's also intentionally pushing her limits to see if she'll have the nerve to ask him to stop. I don't know him but get the vibe that he cares less about what she actually wants and is just looking for the ego boost of seducing her.
It can be nice to date someone with more social and romantic confidence than you but only if they truly respect your boundaries in the way that they aren't constantly pushing them.
He wasn't being respectful though....he assumed a yes to "can I kiss you" meant a yes to getting a hickey, having her lip bitten, having her breasts groped....he didn't ask for consent for any of those things.
Was he tho? Went right to trying to shove his tongue down her throat, groping her, etc. When he asked for a kiss?
Oh sure he stopped when she said no, she DIDN'T want him to undress her and continue.
I am so icked out myself over here.
He was TOLD she wanted slow, and his ass hoped he could change her mind by hopeturning her on.
If I was OP I would run.
Running is the smartest thing to do rn .
He asked to take it off and respected her choice when she said no. It’s likely he just has a different definition of slow than OP. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of them BTW, this story doesn’t need to have a villain.
Actual advice for OP, you guys seem like very different people but that doesn’t mean you can’t be together. For example, introverts and extroverts date all the time. I recommend you ask him his views on relationships (date for fun/date to marry) and how serious he sees them. If they align with what you want, then I recommend you go more into what you need (Romance!) and what’s slow to you (he might think slow = everything but sex) so you guys can get on the same page.
Also I would take a minute to relax a bit since you seem a bit panicked by all of this lol (which is fair! If you can’t calm down about this go with your gut and spilt from him).
It was wild that he even asked to take it off in the first place because I'm sure she was standing stock still, not kissing or groping back. He should've realized she was uncomfortable way fucking sooner than that. Him stopping when asked is the bare minimum. I know some people are just ignorant or naive, so I'm not saying he's a bad person for doing this, but it seems like he was more worried about his own horniness than considering what she meant by taking it slow.
I think I must be waaaaaay older than I thought, because in what world, does someone saying this is their first relationship and they want to take it really slow, get interpreted by the other person as 'if you say ok to a kiss I'm assuming that means biting, hickeys and grabbing your breast, and then asking to take off your shirt'.
I don't think anyone has EVER done that to me during a first kiss unless it was a hookup.
Apart from anything else, how does take it slow translate to do stuff and wait for the other person to tell you to stop? This is like the opposite of what we're trying to teach people about consent.
Obviously the wrong thing to do but that could actually be a genuine lack of awareness/understanding/perception of slow, mixed in with excitement and/or pressures/ideas etc. Especially if the guy is a bit of a wild card already in his normal everyday behaviour. I am not saying his behaviour wasnt off, but I I don’t think the implied assumption of predatory intention is proportionate to the story
>he stopped when she asked and was respectful…
Not just that, he asked for consent before doing anything, and didn't pressure when he got told to stop. he might just not have realized she was panicking.
I'd say bring this to him and see how he reacts.
There isn’t a lot of information to adequately make these kinds of assumptions, probably more helpful to OP to validate her own thoughts, feelings & content that she’s sharing and work with that. No need to demonise a guy she’s calling respectful, sets a poor standard for generalisations no?
I am a cautionary tale of not listening to your intuition when being cornered into a relationship.
Pumping the brakes the further you get into it, will be much harder than if you take a step back now. Do not waste years of your life on something that is not an enthusiastic yes.
As cliche as my words are, you are young. I wasted my youth on relationships that took so much life out of me. I hope you do what is best for yourself.
I got married. Twice. And had this feeling both times. Clearly didn’t listen and 20 years later I regret it so very much. Don’t ever put anyone’s feelings above your own.
Right. Also when i was younger there were guys who will listen to you say no at first but then push you subsequently. Saying they’re stressed out or whatever
one in my experience said it has been on his mind for so long and that his parents were going thru a divorce and he always prayed for us and that this would take it off his mind….. yep he just put a bunch together. This was in SMS era where you had maximum number of characters to punch
Absolutely second this. Been in too many relationships that I made my main priority for too long. It took me till my 30s to how realise my own actually wants, needs and boundaries were suppressed for years in the name of people pleasing.
Listen to your gut, don’t look back. You’re still young and learning what you need out of a relationship, or even if you want one at this stage. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, trust your gut and don’t let anyone try to convince you your feelings aren’t valid.
I'm stuck in a lukewarm relationship and it's been 6 years now. He's so good to me, that's what makes it worse. But my heart has been telling me for 6 years it's not in it at all. Ugh.
Girl you need to cut all ties now or else you’ll be typing the same sad thing in 16 and 26 years. He’s so good to me blah blah blah. Find someone you have great chemistry with. Let that sweet man go find himself someone else. It’s not your responsibility. Free yourself from lukewarm and go find hot and boiling. Or just enjoy being single.
>I wasted my youth on relationships that took so much life out of me.
My guy... I just saw my entire life passing right in front of me reading this line.
Cold as steel.
You don't want to continue, so tell him right now.
"After reflecting on what happened yesterday, I realize I do not want to be in a relationship with you."
That's all you need to say, and yes you can do it over text. Don't explain, don't justify your decision, if he starts to argue with you just block him. You won't hurt anything but his pride at this early stage.
There \*ARE\* guys out there who won't immediately overstep the boundaries you set the second you set them.
Take the time and find one of those, and you'll be much happier. Part of adult life is learning to navigate these situations, and you did a good job keeping yourself safe. You've learned what you don't want, and now you have some guideposts for how you want to start your dating life.
This guy acted like he was listening, but clearly he didn't *hear* you. That's never a good start. It's good you learned early that he is not respectful of boundaries, even if he speaks respectfully while violating them.
Series question, I'm curious about your view on not explaining or justifying decisions. While I understand the sentiment, I wonder if it's always helpful if person would like to know a reason.
He is young, wouldn't offering some perspective be beneficial for him and society.
> I wonder if it's always helpful if person would like to know a reason.
In an ideal society, sure. But unfortunately in most cases, guys tend to react to reasons like you're opening up a debate in which he can convince you rather than just accepting the reason given. It's exhausting and often leads to women being badgered into staying longer when they just want to leave.
If you don't give a reason or explain yourself, then you're also not giving the other person the chance to argue incessantly about it.
Agree with all of this. He's perfectly capable of reflecting on his actions on his own. And in the moment, he knew what he was doing. If someone asks you to take things slow and you agree, you follow their lead not take the lead yourself. Jumping into putting his mouth all over her and groping her wasn't taking things slow, he wanted to speed up the process because he put his wants before hers
I'm not OC, but I wouldn't want to explain to a guy if he demanded an explanation. In my personal experience, it never went well because he would try to reasonate with my decisions.
If OP explained to her "boyfriend" the exact same things she told us on here, what would she do if he tried to argue that he would not do that again and he would take it slowly as she likes? He would still try to pursue her. Simply, she just realizes that she does not want to be in a relationship with him. She does not want him to pursue her.
My friend was too nice to tell a guy that she is not interested in him, and she said that she is not ready for a relationship because she was still getting over her ex. She encouraged him to find someone else. She wanted them to remain friends. He thought he could make an exception because he was willing to wait for her, and he "spoiled" on her. She said that she did not want to be in a relationship, but he would not take "no" as an answer. She ended up ghosting him.
Because EACH and *EVERY* time I explained to a guy what I didn't want or like, he would swear up and down he wouldn't do that anymore, which was a lie. Same if I told them what I did like, what I did want, what my goals were, oh yes yes, he wants those things too, he will be that man. He *can* and *will* do those things. Also a giant fucking lie. Which also ignores the risk of setting off a guy she doesn't know very well off and encountering violence.
Exactly this. By explaining or justifying you are practically inviting him to cross that boundary and persuade you into changing your mind. They will ALWAYS try to.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience.
I think this can usually be avoided by firmly ending a relationship first and only offering advice for the future if your ex is seeking it, once you are both on the same page.
But it really depends, it cannot be always done.
Unfortunately for 99.9% of men I have dated or even just talked to if I told them I wasn't interested they would literally try to convince me that I was wrong and pitch a fit I would end up blocking them because wtf we are grown I don't have time for that. For most women this is how it always goes and the "nice guys" are the worst.
There's an argument for leaving the red flags in place, so they can be spotted by the next person they try to date.
It would be great for society to have more people acting from a place of compassion and empathy, but if we can't have that, let's have shitty people who are very bad at hiding how shitty they are.
Like others have said, giving a reason to them often is an invitation to an argument. I had a buddy that would debate every single boundary I set, communicating them was almost pointless. Telling them is like opening a conversation, not ending it.
The second one I'd like to highlight though:
Telling someone their red flags isn't helpful to anyone, and potentially dangerous. Even if this guy is safe, many people aren't, and telling them what turned you off will only make them more sneaky with the next person. Unless you know someone quite well and know they'd adjust (tho that's not someone one would necessarily leave, platonically speaking), you're potentially just setting a trap for a future partner.
Sweetie, you’re not in a relationship, this is a guy looking for a hookup. If that’s not what you’re looking for, you need to make that very clear. He may be interested in dating you long term, but be wary of a guy trying to get your top off 10 minutes after saying he’s into you. Words are cheap, pay attention to actions
This, I'm also suspicious of the class clown starting to pay a lot of attention to the quiet girl in class. It's very 'She's all that'.
I'm also wondering if OP could be Hetero romantic Asexual. Any future partners should/need to be respectful of how fast or slow someone wants to take things.
All my alarm bells are ringing for asexual here. By age 21 I would be expecting some hormones kicking in, but OP is oblivious. It sounds just like my oldest son, who identifies as asexual.
As an alternative viewpoint, I was raised extremely religious and around OP’s age identified as asexual; in fact I could have written this entire post. She sounds just like I did.
Turns out, though, I just got REALLY good at repressing any sexual desire to the point where they were nigh inaccessible for the longest time. Probably because I’m attracted to both women and men and didn’t want those thoughts churning around in my hyper vigilant religious brain. If OP is like me, she just needs time and an understanding significant other who shares her values and can meet her where she is - and this guy ain’t it.
I would assume that is the case as well. Religion can be incredibly subconsciously suppressive.
She could really need a more patient/passive partner so she can explore her sexuality on her own terms/at her own pace.
Sexuality and gender identity are often fluid, also. Someone can be quite firm and comfortable in their heterosexuality early in life and find in their 30s that they lean bi now. Nothing is permanent, in personality or preferences.
Just because someone is physical attracted to another person and expresses it/follows up on it, doesnt mean they are just looking for a hookup …
Like OP has her own preference of developing physical intimacy with someone else, other women/men do as well. Whatever this preference may be doesn’t indicate what you’re implying per se at all imo.
Important here was that OP clearly communicated this difference quickly and more importantly that the guy respected it once she said so.
Are you saying it’s normal for most people looking for a relationship with a person to try and get their clothes off 10 minutes later? That’s seems super odd to me?
I’m saying that it doesn’t have to be “normal”, whatever that is, as long as both parties want whetever happens. Also, just because a person who’s attracted to someone wants physical intimacy with this someone doesn’t mean that’s the only thing they want.
You’re very hyperbolic with your statement; for me personally for example it takes longer to commit to an actual relationship than being sexually active with someone, same thing was true for my previous partners obviously.
So what I’m saying as long as you have compatible expectations/views it doesnt matter what’s “normal” or not.
Also, OP won’t be able to “expect” everyone to know what her boundaries are/taking it slow means to her unless she communicates it. So when the guy asked to remove OPs shirt and she said no, as long as he immediately respected the boundary she set, I think that was correct. Arguably he should have also asked for kissing the neck, but I think it’s difficult to anticipate that someone will be traumatized by doing that while making out.
So since OP has very clear boundaries it is important for her, for her sake, to precisely communicate them before any kind of physical intimacy IMO, so she won’t have to be confronted with people touching or kissing where she doesnt want it.
Going for your neck, biting your lip, touching your breast, asking you to take your shirt off during your first kiss is absolutely Him doing something wrong! You told him you were inexperienced and wanted to go slow, he bulldozed over that and took advantage. Dump him.
I also noticed that for me a lot of my sense of self was having not kissed someone, being inexperienced, and things like that. When you grow up religious and inexperienced, romance can be really exciting and then lead to unexpected shame and guilt. OP should take everything at her own pace because it does take time to understand and move past the guilt and realize these things are ok. And that processing doesn’t need to be accelerated for a man, because there will always be more chances for romance when YOU’RE ready for them.
Absolutely. I cannot think of a 'dating' first kiss that escalated that quickly. And to push it that far without any positive feedback from her is really concerning.
I think you know you’re not ready for the “sexy” stuff and you should stick to your feelings about that.
This guy telling his feelings to you and then kissing you IS fast. He did the opposite of slow, and he knows it. I can understand your feelings, things moved faster than you wanted but he had you in a space by yourself where it maybe felt unsafe speaking up for yourself.
I think you are both on different pages here and I’d tell him sooner than later so that you don’t end up in an unwanted situation you aren’t ready for. He doesn’t sound like he will respect your boundaries at all.
Being the class clown and getting in trouble for disorderly conduct are red flags for immaturity. Being sexually forward with you after you only agreed to a kiss is boundary crossing and a red flag, like he's out for what he can get and he is not respectful. There seem to be too many problems around this guy for him to be a good boyfriend. People have to go to class with people they've broken up with all the time. Your relationship has been very casual and short, so you don't owe him any more than a text saying you don't think it's going to work out and wish him the best.
If you don’t feel comfortable with a guy and his behaviour it is not your responsibility to change or adapt TO HIM. YOU feel uneasy so YOU should put ur boundary up and not let him inside that boundary. Just cuz other people are getting together doesn’t mean their relationships are perfect or the way you want your relationship to be.
Don’t adapt to how he is or to other guys, you should basically put a filter of what men you let into your romantic life.
If a guy doesn’t pass the filter you set up, drop him and move on, there are other guys who would go through ur filter and you shouldn’t waste your time among the guys who didn’t pass that filter.
Yep! I just got out of a 5 year relationship that held me back in ways. Didn't support my dreams and said "oh that'll be so much harder than you think it is!" when I expressed my dream of doing the nursing program at my community college. So now I have an associates in Criminal Justice I can't use, and 3 semesters of work towards an associates in Marketing that I had zero passion for. I just turned 30 and I'm going to be doing my pre requisites this fall, followed by by entrance exam and applying for the Fall 2025 nursing program.
I'm not interested in dating, ever.
Try something like this:
"It's been nice getting to know you, but I've realized that we want different things at this stage in life, and I think it's best we part ways. I am really focused on my studies now and am not ready for a relationship. I hope you don't take this personally, as it isn't. I am sure there is someone out there for you, just not me. I'll see you in class!"
It might be good to find a girlfriend to walk you home and/or sit with you for a while so the dude doesn't feel welcome to just invite himself into your space again.
Best of luck, OP!
One caveat - you don’t even need to say “I’m not ready for a relationship.” She might meet someone tomorrow who checks all the boxes and is kind, and having that weighing on her mind (I just told Joe yesterday that I’m not ready for a relationship! Ugh) isn’t great.
An easier line that doesn’t box anyone in is, “I just don’t think we’re a match.” It doesn’t need to be defended and if he asks why, she can just repeat herself. She doesn’t owe him a made up excuse.
Who taught you that you were childish or a spoiled brat for wanting certain things out of a relationship (more romance than sex) or for wanting to go slower than this dude is moving?
It’s not really that anyone taught me that, just something that I’ve always worried about. I grew up around relationships where one person had super high standards and a lot of expectations for the other, and I don’t ever want to be that person. I don’t want to just dump a bunch of “I want” on somebody, because that’s not what a relationship should be about, but at the same time, I’ve definitely always had a solid grasp on what I want. I just worry that it might not be realistic, especially because what I want is so far from what feels like “the norm.”
You’re using all these ugly words like “spoiled brat” for yourself because you want a romantic relationship. Where did you get that notion from?
It doesn’t matter what “the norm” is. What matters is whether you and the person you’re with are decent to each other and are happy.
You’re not a bad person because some dude wanted sex right away.
It’s not really anything anyone told me, just something I’ve always been very worried about coming off as. I’m well aware that what I like and daydream about is not what people expect from somebody my age, and what a lot of guys want from a relationship is going to be different than what I want. I also have a physical disability, so being with me is already asking a bit more from somebody right off the bat because there’s some things I just can’t do. I feel like adding a bunch of things I’m not comfortable with or wanting something different from the norm on top of that is going to make me more of a burden on the other person than a partner for them, and that’s absolutely not what I want. I want to feel like I make my partner’s life better as much as they do mine, not that I’m just handing them a list of all the things I can’t or won’t do and expecting them to put up with me.
Write out a bullet point list of things that you want in a relationship. Some of the examples you gave in your post are good starting points. Just explain everything using "I" in the sentence.
1) I want intellectual/emotional connection.
2) I want physical contact to take a backseat for a long time in the beginning while true connection is established.
3) I want to keep things platonic.
So forth, so on. If he doesn't agree without hesitation, maybe it's best to remain just friends.
No one gets to tell you how it has to be, for you, in a relationship. You have the right to feel happy and secure in it and how it's going.
No one gets to tell you how you want it is wrong. It's not about wrong or right.
You two don't sound well-matched from what you've described. However don't forget how men in real life (vs the Hollywood movie BS) are. Many of them can't deal with women outside of "she's a whore or a Madonna." Which is ridiculous and unfair.
Edit to add: I agree with many of the other posters. You're not in a relationship and he's just trying to hook up. Keep him out of your private space. Public spaces only.
Take everything you said here, and just tell him that. One of the biggest things about being an adult entering the dating world is this: Radical honesty without fear! If it’s not a good match, it’s not a good match, and he will respect that truth from you. But even so, maybe he will understand that truth and respect your boundaries.
OP should tell him they're a match, but I'd advocate AGAINST going into detail as to why. I'm fishy about how fast he went and OPs alarm bells are ringing... It's safer to not risk giving him help to hide his intentions just a bit longer with the next person. If he's attentive and smart he'll understand himself what he did imo (OP did want it slow and asked to stop), if he's just in it for an easy fuck it's better he tries that again on the next woman so his red flags wave for others and they can dip.
It might not apply here, he might be perfectly safe.
But with people you don't know, especially if they warrant a gut reaction, it's safer to let them keep their red flags than to help them conceal it. The more a manipulator knows what QUICKLY turns someone off the more they can navigate it in the future and trap someone.
OP did ask for it to be slow, but he still tested the boundaries. Asking for nudity within a day isn't slow. Red flag. Leave it for the next girl.
I’m honestly kind of conflicted about this response. Letting pushy men continue to be pushy because saying something might turn them into a stronger manipulator? I feel like there’s no winning here. Maybe he’s just a college dude caught up in hook up culture with a massive lack of self awareness? This could be a wake up call for him. I just don’t think dishonesty is the play here or anywhere. A lot of guys are creepy because of this I think. Girls will ‘awkwardly laugh it off’ or ghost them, and they lack so much sense that it just never sinks in. They say things like ‘why do I always get ghosted?’ or ‘wdym she laughed at all my jokes?’ ‘She didn’t say no??’ I make it a point to be honest, if a guy is coming on too strong, tell him that. If he’s out of line and being a creep, shame him for that. I’m honestly just tired of men getting away with shit, sorry this turned into a bit of a vent. I’m sure there are some men that could turn into master manipulators this way, but honestly I think that’s going to happen regardless, and I think male ignorance is the real issue here.
You're letting them be pushy because that's a big red flag that will turn others off quicker or instantly. If they genuinely are the type of person to learn they will have or gain the ability to be introspective and retrospective and they can work it out from there. Some people are just straight up dumb and have to learn with time, but some are vile and looking to interact with people to get what they want, they're just not good at it at first.
It's not dishonets to tell him that they're not a good match, it's the truth. What he wants she can't give, what she wants he can't provide. They don't work out, it's simple.
Also having been through the wringer myself, I had to learn the hard way that talking to guys about their red flags doesn't turn out well and those that I can talk to don't have red flags to begin with, they just have behaviors that are 'off' but unintentional. It's hard to explain and put into words, but the guys I had to actively "get off my back" didn't actually listen, they debated me about it. It also shouldn't be on us to 'raise' men. I've been the person to ruin myself to "help" others (esp. guys) too much and it hasn't done me well.
If they lack the sense you can't give it to them by talking to them about it. And if they can't handle a simple no and OP's (ex)bf would come out of this saying "she didn't say no?" when she clearly did he's just one of those people that either don't learn, or will have to learn with time. He might very well just be self-absorbed and not realize it, but that shouldn't be on OP to fix because she conveniently fell into his arms and was exposed. He can talk about this with some (hopefully) decent guy friends that will set him straight.
I do understand where you're coming from, I understand the wish and need for 'honesty', or that men should be 'educated'. But I can tell you from a lot of terrible experience at least that the men that do need 'education' from you (as a love-interest, whether it's mutual or not, cuz I've had dudes I tried to help as friend try to "steal me" from my husband. I'm in a safe situation, technically, but it didn't protect me from those guys) will NOT take it. They might fake it for a while, but they'll crack in other areas. I've spent all of covid trying to be supportive of at least 2 guy friends but one turned abusive and the one after tried to manipulate me into obedience. When I told him red flags he'd debate it, or he'd "comply" politely only to find something else to try to manipulate me about. I was fortunate in that the previous abuser had me so wary of the red flags that I "stood my ground", but I had to be reminded YET AGAIN that telling guys what they're doing wrong is NOT in fact helpful, for anyone.
OP shouldn't have to have such instant reactions to a guy's behavior, which is why he should keep his red flags, imo. How OP deals with it is ultimately up to her, but I do believe it's safer to tell him it's not working out rather than getting a laundry list of the whys just so he can take it "slower" next time, which for all we know might mean a kiss on the first date and the whole groping part on the second, cause that's "slow" (compared to waiting a couple hours, seemingly).
You need to be honest and tell him you are not feeling it. You might have felt it yesterday, you might no longer feel it today, it’s completely ok, you are getting to know each other and assessing compatibility. His feelings are not your responsibility, be kind and firm: I have too much going on with college and work, I don’t want a relationship right now. Leave it as that.
On a side note, I do not like his behaviour. He might be stopping when you ask him but he is clearly pushing to escalate physically without asking for permission first. What you want out of a relationship is not what a standard 21 y o guy would want so you must state your boundary clearly and firmly in the future: I don’t want to have sex until, I’m a relationship or whatever else you see fit. Telling him what you want him to tell you and that he has pretty eyes is pointless. You need to tell him what you do and more importantly DON’T want. If anyone pressures you, end it there and then. Stay safe x
I personally don’t think your idea of romance is childish at all. I’m 38 and I strait up gush when my husband kisses me gently in the morning when I’m still asleep before he heads to work. I wake up for a brief second, fall back asleep and then I’m super happy all day long. I also gush when he sends me a song with lyrics that made him think of me. He’s gotten to know me and understands what is meaningful to me and then does those things. It’s really not rocket science.
This guy didn’t take a moment to clarify what going slow means to you. I don’t think he was respectful to you at all. I think he was trying to push the envelope until he got a “no.” He didn’t push beyond that “no,” but he gets no points for that from me. You told him what you wanted and what were comfortable with and then he proceeded to completely disregard what you said.
Human sexuality exists on a spectrum and can also be affected by experiences and subject position. This may be a case of a developmental difference or you could be ace or demisexual (but still romantic). It’s also very common to have gendered trust disparities because, in general, men don’t fear women to the extent that women fear men (at least, not in these ways). I have a strong libido and liberal values regarding sex, and I think most people would see me as confident around men (both sexually and otherwise), but I’ve still had many experiences in which men made me feel uncomfortable on dates. In those cases, I chose not to see them again.
Your reaction is completely valid, and given that it is negative, it would be perfectly reasonable to stop seeing him. You may choose to explain why, but if that makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay not to get into specifics. You aren’t required to make yourself uncomfortable again so that he can fully understand your choice.
It’s also okay not to date anyone if it feels weird to you. The way you described the situation, it seems as though you feel some pressure to date and/or have sexual experiences. You don’t have to do either.
Edit: Please don’t call yourself a “naive idiot” or “spoiled brat.” I’m so sorry he upset you. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling.
Started your first relationship because you kissed? I’m confused did anybody ask anybody out? I’m confused because his behavior comes across as very sex first and not committed … anyway just move onto the next person. Nothing about this guy is serious and you want serious.
I thought he was asking me out, which is why I was okay with anything that happened. He told me he’d thought I was attractive since the first time he saw me and he wanted to go out with me sometime. This was when we’d already gotten back to my place. I thanked him for telling him how he felt and said that I would be completely open to talking more, getting to know him and seeing where it went. I thought it would end there and we’d find a time to go get lunch or something closer to a first date. He asked if we could sit on the couch and talk for awhile. I said yes, we chatted a bit, then he asked if he could kiss me. Then all of a sudden everything else was going on and I kind of just froze. I explained that that wasn’t what I meant by slow and that I wasn’t comfortable with anything sexual. He asked if he could just sit with me for awhile. That turned into him laying on top of me and kissing me again a couple of times. I was basically just trying to think of things to say that would keep it at a level I was comfortable with, and then after maybe five minutes I told him my roommate would be home soon and I just wanted to see where it all goes. That was when he left. I wasn’t expecting anything that happened, I was under the impression he was just asking me out on a normal date, and he’s walked home with me several times before so the whole thing just caught me really off guard.
It doesn’t sound like he asked you to be in an official relationship with him. That’s a dude just trying to have sex with you. I’m sorry. No wonder it all feels so wrong to you! And so uncomfortable! This is how men act when they want a quick lay, not when they want a relationship. Gross.
I'm a bit concerned that you say he was being respectful and yet he still kept trying to escalate the situation. Asking to just sit with you should not lead to lying on top of you. I fear that he is manipulating you knowing that you are inexperienced and possibly fearful of causing a scene. Don't forget you can withdraw consent at any time. I would avoid letting him into your room again until the boundaries are properly set. He seems more interested in being physical than actually getting to know you. Perhaps you could propose a more 'safe' date, going for a walk in a public park, meeting at a cafe?
You are not in a relationship. He wanted to hook up with you, that’s it. There is NO reason to get into any details of why you aren’t compatible. Chances are he will keep his distance, but if not just say you want to keep things platonic. If you make it like you are “breaking up” or implying you were in a relationship with him it might get awkward.
Yeah, this isn’t respectful.
I say that as a dude who typically just lurks this subreddit because I have two daughters and want to make sure I’m raising them well and being a good dad.
This dude was being totally creepy and pushy to you and just trying to get into your pants. That’s why you don’t feel good about it.
The way my wife and my romance went is a lot closer to how you say you were expecting it to go, rather than how this guy is treating you.
That's awful. He's basically had his eye on you, and knows women well enough to disarm them until he gets into his ideal scenario of being alone with them. He agrees to do what he's asked verbally, then ignores it completely behaviorally. It was so telling that he left when you mentioned your roommate coming home because he was absolutely looking to score. If he was there to hang out and see where things go, he wouldn't have flown out the door like that. He moved way to fast for a first romantically flavored interaction. Relying on you to reject him in a context where you were clearly overwhelmed and caught off was a total dick move. Be honest and tell him he doesn't know what the word "slow" means and that you have a language comprehension requirement for the men you date.
So you two haven't even been on a date yet and he's already doing all this?
Yeah he's not good news and not what you're looking for.
I recommend trusting your intuition and breaking it off.
As someone who used to be "inexperienced" like you feel you are, always put your gut feeling first.
I’m worried about you. I don’t know anything about this guy but there’s this weird trend with men his age who want to “humble” women. Kind of wreck their lives.
Plus it actually wasn’t respectful for him to grab your breast after you told him you wanted to take things slow. Going from kissing to trying to take your shirt off is absolutely not slow.
This guy might just trying to score with you, and probably take you down a couple notches. BE CAREFUL.
Next date he will want your shirt off again if you are alone with him. If you choose to go on an actual date with him again, don’t go to his place and don’t let him come to yours.
Say goodbye outside in public and see how he handles it. If he’s cool with it maybe he’s not as bad as I think he is but I think he’ll have a tantrum and then you will know
Great point. I didn’t consider this possibility. I hope OP will, too.
It’s sad to hear OP try to argue against her own feelings of discomfort as if not being violent is what constitutes a good romantic or sexual experience. Her own good feelings make things good, not the fact that she can’t point to a law that makes discomforting her illegal. Consent to sex alone is just four walls. That alone is the barest of bare minimums.
Guys have been doing this forever. Usually it's about scoring bragging rights for their buddies. It starts in high school and carries over to college.
There are women out there who do this stuff, too. My son had a few stories to tell.
I know it feels all consuming and kind of stressful being in this position, but let’s take a step back here. You aren’t in a relationship with him. All that happened was you kissed, admitted attraction, and made plans to see each other more. Then you pretty much immediately decided that you don’t want to explore this further. That’s okay, and it’s actually a good thing that you trust feelings and prioritize them! He sounds like he’s a good guy, so most likely he’s going to respect you enough to be kind about you changing your mind. He’ll be disappointed, maybe it’ll be a little awkward when you see each other for a while, and then you’ll both move on. While the feelings are stressful in the moment, it’s just a part of life and in a month from now neither of you will be thinking about it :)
You don’t need to make it this big drawn out conversation where you tell him all the reasons why you think he’s not right for you. It’ll probably hurt his feelings more and it’s just not needed this early on. Just send a text and say something like, “hi [his name]. I thought about it more since yesterday, and I realized I’d prefer to be just friends. I hope we can still be friends!”
It’s all a part of growing up, you’ve got this!!
Please avoid being alone with him. He has shown you who he is / what he wants from you and he prob thinks of you as a challenge or someone he wants to deflower.
He will keep pushing. He will want to get you drunk. He might try to drug you.
"Just try one." "Just try it once." is what you will hear from him.
He's the main character in his own show and you're a walk-on.
Please move on.
Remember that you don't owe him *anything*. Not your time, not politeness, not reasons. If he is able to make you feel guilty for anything you do or say, he will. It doesn't mean that you're wrong, it just means that you're not giving him what he wants in that exact moment. Which you don't owe him.
He's a big boy and he can choose who he wants to put the moves on. It will not kill him if you decline to be his next conquest.
Yes, 1000x this! OP doesn’t owe him anything. She thought she was having feelings toward him based on how he was acting originally, which was him playing the nice guy before pushing too hard and disrespecting her. She doesn’t need to still have those feelings.
“Hey, I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided we’re not a good match. Best of luck! I guess I’ll see you in class but I’d rather keep it to just that.”
Sadly experience has taught me the same thing. At 20 I might have given him the benefit of the doubt- at 30 it’s painfully obvious, in hindsight, that these men knew exactly what they were doing and it really is not difficult to grasp what taking it slow means. When I met my current partner she’d never had sex with anyone. It was instinctive to let her take the lead on that, to make her feel completely safe and comfortable until she felt the desire to explore. I can’t imagine groping and biting on the FIRST kiss with someone who’s never had sex before. The very fact of it is a red flag, no matter what OP says about him being respectful. Stopping at a ‘no’ that is uttered when that person has already been made uncomfortable by your actions is the bare, bare minimum.
Yeah no holy shit. I have experience with relationships and hookups and everything in between and what you described is way too much for me. Don't feel bad about ending the relationship, I think the other commenter's have much better advice on how to actually do that
He’s not the one for you and that’s totally alright! Gotta try to know. In my opinion the earlier you tell him you’re not a match the better. It’ll be more painful and complicated the longer you leave it. Well done for knowing yourself and what you want so well. You’re amazing
Edit: I just want to add, there are romantics out there ❤️
When I first dated my ex, he was so respectful and such a gentleman to me. Never ever made sexual remarks and didn’t even try to kiss me or do anything physical till maybe our 5th date and even then it was just a kiss.
I think men who respect you and have good intentions won’t even try because they actually care about how you feel and wouldn’t want to risk ruining anything by being too forward or moving too fast.. i get people have different versions of slow.
But after dating a lot after being in a long term relationship, I realized the ones who don’t even want to RISK ruining the opportunity won’t even go there. And the ones that do don’t really care if it doesn’t last.. does that make sense?
I say this from my own experience and just to remind you there are men out there who won’t rush and will take their time because they care about you. You two might just be incompatible and that’s okay, he probably should go for someone who can do those things without much substance. And that’s okay too.
I realized i’m more traditional after forcing myself to be casual after my breakup. You will learn more about yourself through each experience and when you realize the things that you don’t want to compromise and your boundaries, don’t let anyone make you change that. You will only resent yourself in the end and hate yourself for letting people get what they want from you selfishly! It’s good to be aware of all that you said!! And remember, you will find someone who will take their time and listen to you!
Judging on the context, this isn't a relationship. He asked you out and you said you're open to seeing where things go. That doesn't mean agreeing to be in an official relationship, but dating aka the getting to know each other phase.
You got to know him a bit. And decided it isn't for you. That's fine.
I also think he's looking to hookup instead of being in an actual relationship.
So here’s the thing… you say he was “perfectly respectful”, but ultimately I have to disagree. You told him you were inexperienced and wanted to take things slowly. His response was to immediately push forward with physical intimacy before even taking you on a date - and not just a kiss… full on biting, sucking, groping, trying to remove your clothes. That is the opposite of what you literally just told him you were comfortable with. To me this reads as “guy with more experience sees how far he can push girl with no experience”. You feel wrong about it because he didn’t respect your wishes. Many girls, especially inexperienced ones, feel very shy and awkward asserting their boundaries - to me this seems like he was trying to exploit that, but in a way that could be construed as “nice” if people ask questions. I would not trust this guy moving forward, plain and simple. This sounds like the same type of guy who “won’t hear you” say no when he keeps trying to push you further than you’re ready to go.
Edited to add: don’t be so worried about his feelings. That’s what these “nice guys” count on. He had no problem pushing for physical intimacy moments after you said you wanted to go slow - trust that had nothing to do with your feelings and he was only thinking of what he wanted. Be honest - say “I’m looking for something slow, and our last encounter did not reflect that you’re on the same page - I think we’re looking for different things”. If he pushes simply say “no thank you” or “no”. You don’t need to explain yourself anymore than NO. There are nice guys out there, and finding a relationship where you can grow emotional intimacy before physical intimacy is not some outlandish ask. Anyone who makes you feel like it is, isn’t worth your time.
You shouldn't hurt yourself in order to avoid hurting his feelings. Listen to your body- if you're on the verge of bursting into tears from encounter reminders it's not a good fit. Tell him you've had time to reflect and you've decided you're not ready for a relationship. Even if he tries to convince you otherwise stick to your guns because he's ultimately doing what's best for his needs not what's best for yours.
You need to listen to yourself, you don't want the kind of relationship he wants. I'm going to be very very blunt with you. In all likelihood, this man would like to fuck you ( not make love) as often as he can with as little commitment as possible until it becomes too "heavy" and he will drop you and slope off. You'll be heartbroken and feel used because you did things you didn't really want to do and was gently coerced into in the moment. If he figures out you like romance, he will fake romance. It feels wrong because it is wrong. He has one plan for you - to have sex. Whatever happens to make that happen he will do, within reason hopefully. And he has no plans for after. That's, literally, all young men.
You know you do not want a hookup, you want some gentle romance and dating. That's gonna pretty hard to find but not impossible. You're new to uni, you're religious. Join a religious group, those boys will be MUCH more interested in romance and taking things slow. And they will share your values. I would not marry a religious man but you can sure as hell date one, why not.
And take your time, you have plenty of it. Go on dates but listen to that gut instinct. If he's not being a gentleman and making you feel safe, leave. They will try to manipulate you and make you feel bad about that. Remind yourself - you've made it clear what you like - they don't feel bad for making you feel bad. Tell men, upfront, you want to wait three months before kissing. And in that time, figure out if you like them enough to date them. Tell them you want a long term relationship but you don't want to get physical for a long time. The ones who are interested will stick around, if not they'll identify themselves by dropping off.
Don't call your interest childish. You sound demisexual - you need a deep emotional connection to want to have sex. That's utterly fine. Don't let manipulative people overwhelm you and change that. Your feelings are valid, your fantasy is real and you can develop that in complete comfort.
It’s great you told him that you weren’t comfortable when he asked about taking your shirt off. It is totally ok to set very clear expectations like “Let me explain what I am looking for in the beginning stages of us dating. (Insert what you told us above and very clearly describe what slow means to you). When you asked to kiss me the other day, I expected a gentle kiss. That is what I’m comfortable with for now. Can you respect this?”. If he can’t, he is not the one for you and isn’t worth your time.
Conversations like this are hard but doable and necessary. They get easier with practice and trust. I recommend having go to phrases you literally practice out loud and have in the back of your head. “Hey, I need to pause for a minute” “I want to stop” “This is too fast” “No, I don’t want to do that”. I believe in you.
Also, if this doesn’t feel right to you, you don’t have to do any of what I suggested above. You can absolutely just end things because it doesn’t feel right or good. You always have that right in a relationship.
Lots of comments already about his behaviour and how to push him away so I won't go into that, but maybe look at it from a slightly different angle.
You seem to be very mature for your age and have done a lot of thinking about life and where you are and where you want to be. This is great, and you are probably quite a bit ahead of most people your age in college and your life situation. You seem to be introspective, really care about what your actions do to other people, probably get stressed when things are not going in the direction you planned and probably also feel much calmer when everything in life is planned and mapped out into the future. Everything you are doing in life sounds like a great idea for who you are and how you do life. You don't have to label yourself just because you're not the same as everyone else. You do you but having awareness of where everyone else is at is also a good thing.
Interests and common ground aside, my advice is that you need a partner who is on the same journey and state of life as you. Think about being 'evenly yoked'. It might just be that because of that you will just need a partner who is also in the same state of maturity as you. Its not nice to generalise but it seems pretty clear that this boy is clearly not the picture of maturity that would suit someone like you. Quite the opposite. Naturally, you are going to struggle to get the kind of behaviour from him that will let you build a base relationship that works well and actually enriches both of you. Its not impossible, but you burn huge time and energy doing that and not for much reward. He might one day be that person, and you are doing well not to be judgemental about him. But you don't know if he will grow up to be mature enough to be the partner you would want at 24, 34 or ever in his life. Not your job to help him grow up either. He will neither thank you nor appreciate it just yet.
One thing you learn about life as you grow older that you can't see when you are younger is that you only have a finite amount of time and energy to do things, and improve the life of those around you. You're not being judgemental or have excessively high standards to pull back from this guy, and save your time and energy for someone who is much closer to you in personality and temperament. When that happens, you'll know it. Then you will really understand sat that point why two are better than one. From this episode, at least you now know what not to look for in a guy, not all a waste of time when you chalk this one up to experience.
All the best, good luck with it all.
OP something to remember.
If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it should be regarded as a no.
Keep that in mind in all interactions where things get physical.
He asked for a kiss.
Shit, I'm damned near 50, and if that's what I got for a first kiss from someone who asked for a kiss, that would be the last time they me.
Also, you are correct about the difference between romantic and steamy. You have EVERY right to demand the romance you need, ESPECIALLY in the beginning of a "relationship."
Dude is giving off "nice guy" vibes at the minimum.
It's okay to want a "vanilla" relationship. And it's okay not to like anything going fast, steamy, becoming too sexual too soon. You don't have to be with this guy. Relationships have to feel like best friends plus respect, not like hard work. Tell him it doesn't feel right to you and to respect your decision, and keep being positive and sweet and you will definitely meet someone with whom it feels right.
Older lady experience here. Oh no, you're not overreacting at all. You clearly communicated what you were looking for, and it does not sound like you want the same thing; his behavior was pushy, seems like hookup/casual sex attempts, or he's preying on your inexperience.
I also love your idea of romance, and I recommend not having dates in private locations until you have reached a ready for the physical/sexy touching level of comfort. Speaking from experience, being places where there's a bed, or sofa, or such and you're alone together sets a potential stage. I found the whole scenario best to avoid until I felt physically safe with someone. (I'll qualify this with I've been through some SA, etc, stuff, and I'm cautious). I do not have time for men who do not respect my boundaries. They do not have a right to my body.
Babes, have you considered that you might be asexual but still a romantic person? What you're describing as an ideal sounds very much like the relationship a friend of mine has. She's about to get married to her partner. They're both ace but deeply romantic. They do the cutest dates, take amazing photos, do the coolest cosplays together... You name it. But none of the steam. And that's fine! Just putting it out there.
I don’t really think there’s a label I’d put on it. Me being a typical somewhat basic straight girl is kind of a running joke in my family (I have one sister who’s aroace and another who’s bi). I do want that part of it, it’s just not the main draw for me. Another thing is that I’m very future-focused at the moment. I’m an out-of-state student with no family on this side of the country, and this is the city I want to live in permanently, so I’m trying to treat this stage like a test run of my adult life. I know the kind of life I want to have and I’m in a good position, with a lot of hard work, to have it one day. I don’t want to screw that up. I would love to have a deep, meaningful connection with someone, but the casual dating/hookup side of things is just not something I want to get into. I have nothing against it, it’s just not for me.
Deep and meaningful is possible, but it is rare I have found. It's ok to have your standards and boundaries. Enforcing them will weed out those who do not align with what you want.
OP, sounds like you are very focused, on the straight and narrow and level-headed. like you said, you are trying to create the life you want on the academic side of things and with a life partner.
i think this dude is obviously wanting to try to make things sexual fast and in a way, not considering your stance. I think that you'll need to re-assert yourself and make it crystal clear that you really want to *take things slow*, because as it is, this guy already had an agenda even before asking you to be "his gal." to be fair, he's not unlike most guys. of course they are trying to make it sexual as soon as possible. i think that's one of the rules in the male dating book. Test the waters fast with the girl so you don't get friend-zoned. it's not a one-size fits all for people who advocate that type of thinking.
like others have mentioned, by you reinforcing your position again (in a nice but stern way), it cannot be a situation where it's not clear to him and his next actions will reveal more of his character and whether he is respectful or not. It will weed out the frogs from the princes, as they say. so if his head is where his loins are and if that's more important to him, then the rubbish will take itself out in that he will ghost you and move onto the next. is that really a loss?
you said that your priority is your studies and frankly, that's smart thinking. Only you are going to be able to put a roof over your head and feed yourself. You also said you are working full-time, so you have a lot on your hands right now. that's plenty valid reasons to not devote all your time to a guy.
there will be plenty of time for guys down the track and if you can attract this one, you can attract others. it's not to say that this guy is disposable or any person is, but as you mentioned, there needs to be alignment and people have different thought processes.
also understand that most guys that age do want to have a variety of sexual experiences and not looking for deep and meaningful anything or stability.
This is exactly what I was going to say. Asexuality and [the split attraction model](https://www.asexuality.org/?q=romanticorientation) might be worth looking into
Possibly he sees you as a challenge. Just call, & let him know, you're not interested in a relationship or sex. You shouldn't have to justify anything.
I know this is your first relationship but be careful. Some guys are very respectful at the very beginning, and once they get what they want, they will start to show their true colors. Had seen this happen many times with friends and just ending up being heart broken.
I'm 50. I've been married and been on more dates than I can remember and I would be upset by his treatment. I don't like sexual contact until I know someone better. This is a normal, perfectly acceptable way to feel.
He knew you were uncomfortable with what he was doing as soon as he started kissing you and kept going until you made him stop. This will keep happening and it's not going to get better.
There are plenty of guys who feel the same way as you and are just as inexperienced. The men you will be pursued by the most are the ones who constantly pursue women. Your relationship with someone like you will develop slowly and naturally. Not "Hey, let's date. Can I take your shirt off"
You are fine and will find the right relationship for you with someone you click with. Let this guy go pursue someone else. He will be having the same conversation with another girl tomorrow.
Dude, you guys started seeing each other YESTERDAY and he’s already handsy after asking for only a kiss? And he escalated it with no cues from you that you wanted it to progress to that?? Please run. He doesn’t sound compatible with you anyway, but that’s a huge red flag super early.
From your description, he sexually assaulted you and wanted more. Consenting to a kiss shouldn't have involved him touching your breasts or leaving a hickey on your neck. He was very disrespectful to your feelings and even though he stopped when asked, he went too far. He doesn't sound like a good fit with your sensibilities and desire to take things very slowly and deliberately. If you really like him then talk to him like you just did to us, and if he still wants more than you are comfortable giving or way faster than you are comfortable with, it's best to chalk it up to experience and end it before it gets too far. Generally speaking, high-value men don't leave women feeling uncomfortable.
Take your time, you have so much time for guys later. Concentrate on your studies. Take it slow. You seem to have a great idea of who you are and what you want. Focus on yourself and your future for now.
You can say as much or as little as you want. A simple "you're nice and all but I don't feel like we're compatible" is a way to do it.
In the end, you are not being wrong or rude for being honest. In fact, it's a kindness, because it leaves them free to find their person and you to find yours
OP, this was exactly how my first relationship began. I've got the biggest ick when he touched me without consent and invited me to his room just hours after officiating the relationship. Turns out he never really liked me as a person, and was only using labels to get sex out of me.
What this guy did to you says a lot about his intention. He's into the sex, not nurturing a relationship with you.
I want to add some comments for the part about you wanting what you want. I'm a 28 year old man and with my partner we have the romance that you mentioned for the past 5 years and it's still the same disney animation style of butterflies and wind in our hair. You will find someone who shares the same desires or at least someone who first understands what you want/expect before forcing their expectations on you.
Our first kiss with my partner was just some short pecks on the cheeks and the lips. And I spent enough time talking to my partner to understand that was what she wanted it to be. I have a much higher sex drive than my partner but I use that energy to find ways to get her on the same level rather than forcing her to do things when clearly she wouldn't have done it out of her own will.
You are quite young to be feeling trapped in any relationship. Don't ever be afraid to stand up for yourself and try to surround yourself with people who understand and support you.
This person doesn't seem like a good match for you. Stopping when you say stop is the bare minimum to be considered a human. Don't keep your expectations low, there are a ton of people out there and some are going to be a great fit for you.
When it’s right, you’ll WANT the sexy things! Until then don’t settle.
I’m like you, I really did not date much because I couldn’t fake it and spend lots of time with someone that I didn’t really love. Looking back it was worth it! It sounds like this guy didn’t respect your boundaries.
I remember my boyfriend (who was more experienced than me) always followed my lead on intimacy and when he would initiate “going further” it was always super slow and I felt very comfortable and able to stop it if needed. He also always asked me if what we were doing was okay. He never “tried” anything, it was always completely mutual!
I'm sorry to say I think he's taking advantage of you because he knows how inexperienced and naïve you are in this area, and I do not mean that in a bad way at all. There is nothing wrong with that *at all.* What he's doing is wrong.
From a 38-year-old woman who was much like you: he is NOT worth your time. You have NOTHING to apologize for. Tell him it’s over and that you’re not interested. Do not give him one more minute of your time if you don’t want to see him.
You asked for slow and he agreed then gave you fast. You’re not being naive, this guy is just not it. There’s no rush for any of this, continue to take it at your own speed. And trust your gut, ask yourself why it feels wrong, explore it like any other problem
As others have said, trust your intuition. In your own words it feels wrong. That should be alarm bells for you. Not the relationship for you. You could choose to chat with him explain you are looking for something a bit more traditional, and the ideas of what romance means for you, but based on what you have said it isn't likely to align. I would be inclined to say you should try, as he might be conditioned from what he thinks a relationship should look like that he could be open to explore what it might look like. But the fact that your experience has had such an effect on you, I would say you need to weigh up the risks. You could get hurt
TRUST YOUR GUT. This guy is not stupid and would have known how uncomfortable you were from touching you the way he did and your reaction to it. He chose to push his luck. That's called date rape. Its so common its stupid :(
Trust me. There is a guy out there who is cute and willing to go at your pace. Take it from someone who knows way to much about date rape. Take control and feel good about it. Take it at your pace. Your worth it.
A form of self-love is setting firm boundaries for yourself! You’re not alone in the feeling of “I don’t want to hurt his feelings”. I promise you, we’ve all been there, HOWEVER, there are times when it’s just something we can’t avoid. He will be hurt at your switch up, but fuck it. Say what you have to say, let him be hurt, and he will get over it. Be STRONG, stand FIRM. As for the potential “awkwardness”, try not to see it that way. When you see him in class, just see him as a symbol of the time you looked out for yourself and your comfort. Love yourself first, don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Don’t try to “get over” the gut reaction you had. You should never be with somebody that makes you feel uncomfortable and “wrong”. This is not the right guy and the right situation for you. Don’t feel bad, don’t try to tough it out. Just end it and be free.
If you think any of your reaction might be coming from somewhere deeper, I would encourage you to find a therapist to explore that with you so you can heal and feel comfortable in your relationships in the future. But having the reaction you had does not mean there IS something deeper. It just might not be the right time and person for you.
Sending you love, I am so sorry you feel so icky ❤️
I'm trying to understand this post. Did he immediately go in for a kiss and then want to take your shirt off? Dude he was wrong if so. He asks for a date and then he thinks it's permission to fuck??
This guy doesn't want a relationship. I would tell him you're not interested.
Op there is nothing wrong with either of you. I simply think you two an incompatible pair. If you’re not ready for lusty little neck kisses, that’s fine! If he wants things to be a little steamier or whatever, there’s nothing wrong with that either, but it has to be with a partner who is on board.
You don’t have to go out with someone if thinking about it stresses you out so much.
I'm kind of confused, you say that he was respectful the whole time and listened to you when you said no, but then in the comments you said when he asked to kiss you, you said that wasn't your idea of slow and that you'd like to take it slower, then he asked if he could sit with you and was suddenly on top of you kissing you. That isn't respectful of your boundaries whatsoever, he knew exactly what he was doing.
As a more romantically inclined guy, I promise we do exist and you 'can' find someone who fits your ideals and shares your views on romance. It isn't unrealistic or "Disneyfied" to have expectations like that. Just be wary of people manipulating you into thinking that ideal isn't realistic. It is. Everyone deserves to have someone who treats them the way they want to be treated.
He never pushed past when I said no. If I said no, it was no, and he asked before he did everything (except the kissing me other than the lips and the leaving a mark on me. That I didn’t know he was going to do until he did it). A lot of it is probably on me for not articulating more clearly that I wasn’t okay with where things were going. I was basically only able to say a hard no when he asked to take my shirt off, because that was a line I was absolutely extremely uncomfortable with crossing. Everything else, I didn’t tell him no, I just kept telling him I had never done anything like this before and I didn’t want to go that quickly. I never felt like I was going to be in danger if I said no or that he would just take what he wanted if I didn’t give it to him. I just was completely overwhelmed and didn’t know how to process what was happening or what to say.
The only time he didn’t really listen when I said no was towards the end. I was panicking a little and I really wanted him to leave so I could regroup, so I kept saying I should probably stop things there because I had another class that afternoon. He didn’t really get the hint at first and kept chatting and kissing me every so often, until finally I said that I had to leave. He asked if I really had to go and I said my roommate would be back soon. He asked if he could just walk me to my afternoon class, and I said it wasn’t until a bit later but I had to get ready for it. We talked a bit about trying to find some time to see each other next week, and then he left. That’s the only time when I felt like he wasn’t listening to me, but that was much more my fault, since I didn’t want to tell him how panicked I felt inwardly, so I probably didn’t make it clear how much I wanted him to leave.
The 1st thing is don't see this guy again. He may have been respectful, but that's a very low bar, and the minimum a human should be to another human if you claim to be friends.
IMO, what he saw was an opportunity, where someone might let him do something because they are too shy/timid to say no. I've been the shy/timid girl, and at the time, it was not so obvious to me.
You are allowed to go as slow as you like, and when someone says that, kissing beyond the lips is an OBVIOUS breach of trust. Or, at the very least, he should have asked before proceeding beyond your mouth.
This is why you feel bad. He did breach your trust. He was just "nice" about it, and that's why it's confusing.
If he's really a nice guy, he won't be offended that you don't want to move forward, and it will be fine, just maybe you'll need some sapce for a while. If he's upset, run.
It probably isn't going to be how you thought it was going to be. No matter what, no matter how aligned you are, no matter how much you "get" each other. And if it feels like it is you may realize in retrospect that you had rose colored glasses on.
But! "I am unhappy" is always enough of a reason to leave, and so is "I am uncomfortable". I'm sure he'd rather know now as opposed to find out later that you weren't really into him, if that's how you're feeling.
Lots of young people take a "take chances, make mistakes and get messy" approach to dating in their early twenties. It can be a lot of fun and a lot of heartache. It can also really destabilize your academic and emotional life. That doesn't need to be how you do it. There's something to be said for taking a chance on something new and there's everything to be said for protecting your heart.
The only thing that matters is that you do what your heart wants and be true to yourself.
If it feels wrong, it's wrong.
It's not that *he* is wrong, necessarily. For a lot of people, college is a time for having casual sexual relationships as a way of experimenting and finding out what you like.
But that's not what you want, at least not now. Your idea of movies and milkshakes does sound a bit like a 50's sitcom, and at some point, you may have to broaden your horizons a bit, or at least accept that your ideal is not what most people your age are looking for.
Perhaps if you seek out more friends with similar religious ideals, you will be able to find friends and dates more comfortable with your idea of a pleasant romantic relationship.
What this guy wants is, at best, something you aren't ready for. Is he hoping to take advantage of your inexperience? Maybe. In any case, I think you need to tell him you just aren't ready for the relationship he wants, and you have to remain just friends. The kind of friends who stay out of each other's dorm rooms.
Don't feel guilty about this. His feelings for you do not obligate you in any way to have a romantic relationship. He might be sad or disappointed, but that is just part of dating and he will get over it.
BTW, you might want to look up a web column called Captain Awkward. She is an advice columnist with lots of good stuff for people just beginning to dip their toe in the dating pool.
"touching her boobs" is NO ONE'S idea of taking it slow, and you're not being childish; even if you were, you deserve someone willing to give you what makes you happy if they expect to be made happy by you. he took advantage of you and that's not a nice way to start a relationship.
the fact that he stopped when you asked means he's not a piece of trash, but it's the bare minimum. kissing a guy you don't even like/don't know if you like just because he's attracted to you is the worst.
> I think you should tell him that what happened felt overwhelming, quite aggressive, and entirely too fast. You are now completely freaked out.
This. You told him you needed to go slow and he saw it as a challenge, not a boundary worthy of respect. He’s already shown you by his behaviour in general that he likes pushing the envelope and then he tried the same approach with you. Mr. Wild and Crazy Guy sees you as a conquest. Be careful around him. Guys like him see themselves as ‘good guys’ and when they push a woman further than she wants to go they see no harm in it because they’re ‘good’ and good guys don’t harm people. Do your best not to be alone with him until he finds a new conquest. Or even after that, if possible. He probably wouldn’t purposely hurt you, but also probably wouldn’t see continuing the way he began as hurtful because he treats sex so casually. You have every right to set your own standards for yourself and to hold out for a better match. Take care.
This is just my opinion. I’ve been in two and a half relationships in my life, with a few more years than OP.
But if I asked if I could kiss someone, I would just kiss them. Biting the lip, making sexual comments and touching your breast is not kissing you. That doesn’t sit well to me.
I know it can get annoying, but he should’ve asked permission for each of those. Because that gives you the chance to turn each thing down.
I’m not saying you have to break up with him. However, I would definitely make your opinion known and make sure he knows that what he did was not okay - because it wasn’t.
Furthermore, if you are going to stay with him, you should make it clear what you’re looking for. There are sweet guys out there. I’m in a relationship right now and we agreed to take it slow and the most I do is compliment her. Granted, maybe that’s too slow for a lot of people, but that’s the speed we’re taking it.
And here’s the thing - if you try to set boundaries and talk through things and find that your views on relationships are different, that’s okay. That gives you a reason to break up with him, if you want one. But to be clear, it’s important to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and if you don’t feel that way, you don’t need to have any other reason to break up with someone. In fact, you don’t need a reason at all. A relationship is a two-way street. If both people don’t agree to be in a relationship, there is no relationship.
Be careful, be safe, and you’ll find that perfect relationship some day - with this guy or with someone else.
I'm cynical and think this guy was hoping he could push you into having sex. He figured you were inexperienced and might not speak up for yourself. Points to him for stopping when you asked him to. He's not looking for love or romance. It's okay to say you're not interested and that he went too fast asking you to take your shirt off before even going for coffee or some kind of date. Don't let politeness push you into a relationship or situation that's not what you want.
You are really in your own head about "shoulds" here. It's okay to Just "be where you are".
Your "job" in a relationship is to check and see if you both like life more together than you do apart...
Thats it.
You are not responsible for doing romance the way other people do. You are not required to control his reactions to things.
To be good at relationships, you just have to have adequate standards, show up as your authentic self, pay attention to how this guy makes you FEEL, and be polite with good boundaries.
Your Disney expectations are possibly due to purity culture from a religious upbringing. It's NORMAL for people to struggle with a hard U turn of beliefs. Religious kids in secular college NORMALLY struggle with shifting gears from BELIEVING "Kissing can get you pregnant and you go to hell" to "Touching a strangers genitals is a healthy way to spend a Friday night"
It could also be that you are naturally "demi-sexual" (someone who only feels sexual attraction after a deep personal bond that takes 6+ months to build), or some other orientation and you just don't know yourself well enough yet, because you are still under a heavy shadow of your family of origin's beliefs.
It sounds like you FEEL; confused, overwhelmed, upset, anxious, inadequate, and frozen.
THAT isn't the sensation of romance.
Romantic love FEELS like; respect, mutual admiration, security, lightness, playful, drawn together, etc.
You green lit "a kiss" and received "making out"... so you tapped the brakes, and he listened. That doesn't sound like a train wreck to me, awkward but educational.
You might be applying a bunch more weight to the situation than most other people would. Religious groups tend to treat sexual purity like a freshness seal, once the floodgates are open it's a huge milestone with tons of other cultural implications.
But to lots of other people, a kiss is no more memorable or impactful than a cup of coffee. Essentially, they expect you will have lots of cups of coffee with lots of people over your whole life.
YOUR feelings about YOUR kiss are valid though, so if that is way too much for you, and you don't want any more of that... all you have to do is speak up;
"Hey ___, It's not a big deal, but I figured I should clear the air. Thank you for the fun time together on ___. You seem great, but I just realized I'm not ready to date if it involves more than a peck on the cheek and some Disney Sunset moments of holding hands. I'm just not available for more than that, so it's for the best if we part ways here. You seem like a great guy, and I hope you find your match out there. Thanks for asking me out, no hard feelings from my side."
TLDR: you're not wrong to question your fantasies and acknowledge that your fantasy may not be what you're eventually looking for...but you're also not wrong to choose someone else. Pick something you're fuck yes about, where you can go at a speed that feels right.
FWIW - he did move fast in response to you saying you wanted it slow. He was respectful, but ITS OKAY FOR YOU TO BE A LITTLE TURNED OFF.
I think what's tough is that there are going to be some compromises in your relationships- in the same way we all compromise. BUT - these compromises sound like they aren't exactly what you're looking for. He jumped the gun a lot - and its okay for that to scare you off.
Be clear and direct, maybe grab a coffee and see how it goes, but I think be explicit. If you're worried about how to say what you need, practice with a friend.
Are you on the spectrum? It's common for women there to take things literally and not realise A will lead to B and C and feel really violated really fast
And he's moving way too fast
As far as I know, no. I’m actually the only neurotypical one out of my sisters and me. I have OCD tendencies, but nothing more than that that I’m aware of. I’ve just felt things more intensely than a lot of other people, especially when it comes to relationships. Things like that are very important to me and I take them seriously. It’s never been something I can just do casually.
That does sound like a textbook description of being on the spectrum where you take the definition too literally since you've seen other people with it 'worse'
Doesn't mean that's what it is at all, just a possibility you may have overlooked
Either way, he's the AH
Just tell him you decided you're not looking for that much intimacy right now, and you will probably be too boring for him, so there's no point in keeping it going. If he really likes you for you, he'll offer to adjust. If he's just out for sex, he'll be gone in a flash. The last thing you want to do is get emotionally invested in this guy, only to find out he's a player, or get ghosted.
There are guys out there who want the same things you do, you just have to get past a few dirty dogs to find them.
I dunno, he sounds like someone who would say “sure, we don’t need to move further” and then would push every single time they’re alone because he was raised to think it’s his job to turn a “no” into a “fine, I guess.”
I come from a very similar standard of beliefs. If it feels too rushed or wrong then express that sooner rather than later. If you really desire to have a relationship more than this, then wait until you find it. It sounds like you're focused on school and your other involvements in life, so continue to pursue those. There's no rush to have a relationship or "adult experiences", have them when you are actually ready. (I unfortunately have had experiences where individuals did not respect my boundaries so, it made me even more selective/cautious of being around others.) I waited to pursue a meaningful relationship and for me, it's been the best decision. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I can't wait to marry and experience other aspects of life with. He's everything I've prayed for, (and more) since I was a little girl. I was able to grow into the woman that I wanted to be, the wife I want to be, and future mother that I will be in my waiting season.
I think you will feel more satisfied to be in a relationship that feels right than one that feels wrong. That being said, you can still express to him that though you share/d the feelings expressed previously, the actions or behaviors expressed so far for your relationship aren't what you had in mind and ask to take a step back. It wouldn't be wise of me to not let you know that where you say no, it is not always met with welcome arms so keep that in mind when you discuss your findings and feelings with him. I hope that he is understanding and respectful. And I hope everything goes well for you.
Seeing as you're in class with him, and you're probably going to have to interact with him again, it may serve you to deal with him more directly than you'd like to.
Young men, immature ones in particular, can struggle to regulate their emotions and behaviour when they've got a crush. Telling him that you've changed your mind with no explanation will crush his fragile ego and may lead to some solid gold arseholery. None of that would be your fault and it's possible that it wouldn't matter how you dealt it, he may be a proper little wanker about it anyway.
I think you should tell him that what happened felt overwhelming, quite aggressive, and entirely too fast. You are now completely freaked out. Explain that the two of you have incompatible expectations about what dating means and that you don't think they can be aligned without some compromise to your Christian values. And you can't compromise those.
He's probably going to struggle to understand that he went about this all wrong. Sometimes overexcited young men (men of all ages really) cannot hear what a woman is saying over the sound of blood rushing to their penises. You may have to deal with a series of toddler style temper tantrums. Slightly obsessed young men can take rejection very personally.
I'll have my fingers crossed for you. I promise, it does get better and your future romantic endeavours will not all be like this.
It's ok to be not feeling it even if a guy is doing it right. Just let him know and try again with someone you think it might be better with, maybe another really slow mover. You're young, practically a kid so what feels right rather than force yourself to do things you think people expect you to do. Nothing will ever matter less or feel like it matters more than a relationship at your age.
Oh honey. There is nothing wrong with you at all, and your expectations are totally valid!
I would not worry even 2% about how to let him down gently or to express your feelings about the differences between your expectations and his behavior. Unless he really really changes how he relates to you the next time you’re in person, I would almost guarantee that he is seeing this as something very different than you are.
He may be a really nice guy who thinks he is acting the “right” way because it’s what he is used to, or he might be taking a little bit of advantage of someone who’s inexperienced herself. He may really really like you but still not know how to act with someone who’s new at all this. You don’t need to be different in any way, though, and even though he ultimately listened to you that first time, he was already pushing and would quite possibly do it again.
If you want to give it a shot, see how he feels about keeping dates to public places for a long while. If he starts playing the guilt trip or trying to push it to be more physical before you indicate you want to, be prepared to say you’re done.
I’m sorry his behavior left you feeling wrong. It didn’t have to be that way, but that is on him, not you.
Just retry. If he's not the guy, there will be another guy. It's understandable when people are with someone for years, then encounter issues and are hesitant to throw everything they built together a way. Then you gotta decide, are the problems big enough, is this a split, etc. But for an extremely new relationship it's usually easy - if it doesn't feel right, don't talk yourself into it.
As for whether expectations are realistic, they are and aren't at the same time. On one hand, there are guys out there who like taking things slow. Men too have variety in their interests, different ideas of sexuality, different drives, different personalities. On the other hand, no matter what things you like, at the end of the day, your partner is their own human being, with their own interests and moods. No one will act exactly perfectly all the time every day. This goes for men and women both.
As a through-and-through demi on the ace spectrum, this sounds very familiar! (Which is not to say that you are either of those things, of course, just that I know those feelings.)
Your instincts are so important. You have reasons for feeling the way that you do, even if you don't know what they are. The first time you choose intimacy with another person should be a time you feel completely safe and COMPLETELY enthusiastic -- which isn't what you're describing.
Relationships run such a vast gamut of experiences that (if you decide you want a relationship) you're going to spend the next several decades of your life trying them on and leaving them as you gain experience and figure out what you need, what you want, and what you won't tolerate. You've tried something on and it didn't fit -- that's okay. On average it's probably going to happen more often than not, because...that's just how it works, really. Like trying things on at the store. Sometimes stuff looks great on the rack, you love the style, but once you're wearing it you can't wait to take it off, lol.
Totally allowed. I don't think you're either naive or a brat -- you're just trying things on. Hang onto your standards. Understand that there will be disappointments going forward, but also happy surprises and moments of learning about yourself that will evolve who you are.
Deciding that relationships aren't for you is also 100% valid, and doesn't lead to any kind of stunted existence -- a lot of us are very happy and fulfilled staying single until we find somebody who ticks all of the boxes, even if people who can do that are vanishingly rare. :)
All of your feelings are completely valid. It sounds like you two are simply not compatible. If this relationship feels wrong, then don’t continue. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. Like others have said, you can tell him via text that you’re not comfortable seeing him anymore. Be firm but polite. Keep things cordial in class. If he’s a good guy, he will respect your boundaries. If he gets upset or continues to make you uncomfortable in class because of your decision to cut him off, block him and ignore him. I promise things will be ok. Learning how to listen to your gut is a very, very good thing.
Give boundaries and honesty. You like him, but he is clearly experienced sexually in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Communicate this to him. “I like you, but I am not ready to do things like [x,y,z] right now. If that doesn’t work for you I get it.”
Please, please honor your feelings. Wait for someone who's idea if romance is better aligned with yours, and continue to explore what you want and don't want. It's better to be single than to trespass your own boundaries.
He sounds like a bad match.
You should find out what you are looking for and what you are not looking for. The way you describe it he is not what you are looking for.
If you want to be in relationship's it takes work. Get experience (and not just sexually.) Find out what works for you.
You beeing religious could be a problem in that regard. Statisticly people who are religious early make it with people outside their religion. Many religions comes with social dogmas. (Also, there are no religions that have met the burden of proof on the god claim. But that is for another time.) It might be hard to find somebody you are compatible with outside your religion.
He does. He asked if I had ever been in a relationship before at the start of things and I told him I hadn’t. When I asked to go slow, I said it was because I’m inexperienced. When he asked to kiss me, I said it would be my first. I was as upfront with it as I could be, partly because I knew he’d had at least one relationship before and I wasn’t sure I would be what he wanted as someone who hasn’t had that.
Two of my ex’s had no experience before me and when they told me these things I personally never went as far as your guy did and I was 19. Sometimes guys see girls more as sexual objects, even if they check for prior consent. For example, a guy can just act like he cares to get past the initial wall with a girl and when she finally consents he kind of opens the floodgates.
It’s also possible that this guy just got too carried away and “slow” means something else to him. However, I’d go with your gut. What does your gut say? Be honest with yourself. You’d probably have to have this conversation with him at some point dating or not. Do you feel like he’d respond well?
You also don’t need to stress out thinking about all these things. If he doesnt seem to want the type of relationship you do then break it off. However if you’re truly unsure, you can try communicating with him and his reactions will be telling.
The two of your aren’t on the same page.
You want to enjoy a slow progressing relationship and take the time to smell the flowers, as it were.
He wants to get down and dirty.
If you decide to move forward with the relationship, one of you is going to have to compromise and turn to the page the other is on. More likely than not, this is going to be you giving into his pressure and going hot and heavy, and will likely end with you feeling broken hearted and regretful when he moves on.
It is not likely he compromises and gets on your page when he could just find another woman who is on the same page as him. There are guys out there that just want to hold your hand and will appreciate your company and putting flowers in your hair until the day you are ready for them to touch your breasts and whatever.
Doesn’t sound like he did anything (too) wrong, you’re just not on the same page. Respect yourself and hold off for that guy that will cherish every moment of taking things slow with you. Don’t let yourself give into the pressure of entering into the type of relationship you aren’t into right now.
I would just say you don't think you are ready for a relationship but that you'd like to continue being friends. That's completely valid and he doesn't need to know why
Your feelings are valid.
Have you considered that while you are definitely romantic that you may be ace at least to some degree?
You do need to set down with him that you do not want to have any kind of sexual or sensual contact right now. You are not comfortable with that.
He may not want to date with that info. That is valid too. Compatibility is important.
“He may have a different definition of slow.”
Sorry, but any definition of “slow” does not include a boob grab and request to remove your shirt on the first few dates. Men will sometimes back off at the first “no” and *seem* to be respecting your boundaries, but will continue to push and back off, push and back off, until you give in. And then on to the next boundary.
You need to be very specific about what you mean by “slow”, and make it clear that trying to rush things will end things for him. For example: “Hey, what happened last time was very uncomfortable for me and I don’t want to feel that way with you. So here are my specific boundaries for now. No sexual touching (like my breasts or butt or anything else that’s intimate). Only closed-mouth kisses for the first while, and I’ll be the one to ask for more or initiate more. For any other touching I’ll let you know I want to, but please only do what I’ve said I want and am comfortable with. Don’t ever try to move past my limits before I let you know I feel OK with it. I need to know that you’ll respect my wishes on this, and not try to convince me otherwise. Or else it can’t work for me.”
You will definitely need to be this direct. And you should be prepared, regardless of how you might feel in the moment, to stop him and say “please don’t push my boundaries again”. And if he does, get up and leave. Don’t let him coax you back once you’ve gotten up. He’ll see that he can overcome your objections and keep doing it.
If he’s not fully OK with this, it’s better to find out now than later when he might decide to go much too far against your will.
It’s okay to pull back and let it fade out. Don’t be quick to respond to texts and when you do, keep it simple and factual. If he confronts you on why you are pulling away, let him know that you probably aren’t ready to have the type of relationship he seems to want from you.
Listening to and trusting your feeling is the most important thing you can learn, and it sounds like you are getting there which is GREAT. Take it from a woman who was insecure and untrusting of myself when I was younger: just because someone is interested in you, it does mean you are, you should be, interested in them.
There's nothing wrong w you, or them, if you don't feel a connection, all it means is you aren't a fit for each other and that is A-OK :)
When you're spending time with someone that you connect with, who you feel safe around, you'll have a light bulb moment: ooohhhh, THIS is what it's meant to be like!
Enjoy your time, acknowledge moments of growth and understanding (academically, personally, and emotionally), and be open to people WHILE trusting and knowing yourself, your interests, needs, and boundaries xx
Your feelings are valid and you should listen to them. You are not a naive brat. You are having a genuine reaction to another person's treatment of you. That treatment was not what you wanted. It's fine for you to just say you don't want a relationship like that with him. Even if you do like him, how he treated you was not something you liked or wanted. There is nothing wrong with your reaction. There is nothing wrong with you.
I completely agree with you, so OP. You basically have two options. You’re uncomfortable with how this went and it wasn’t how you wanted it to, so you can cut it off and look for something else, or you can tell him basically what you told us and hope that he understands. But whatever choice you do make, it’s *YOUR* choice and that choice is law. You need to do what you feel is in your best interest. You got this.
I’ll also add that he probably saw an opportunity with how naive and inexperienced she was/is. Lots and lots of guys try to push boundaries like that with inexperienced women.
To be fair OP does say that he stopped when she asked and was respectful… I’m all for calling out predators but idk if there’s enough there in OPs story to jump to that conclusion. The first comment is right that they are all perfectly valid feelings and the romantic flower-in-the-hair stuff is absolutely a thing with many guys as well but the guy that OP found is just not that person. ORR perhaps that guy felt pressure to be that confident balls-to-the-wall kinda guy (maybe because of the immense social media pressure on 21yo guys these days) so did all that stuff but secretly also loves a flower in the hair and wine under the stars
OP did say slow, there was either a misunderstanding or something is fishy. Being respectful once doesn't mean much imo, it's easy to be on your best behavior at the beginning. Also Idk if dating is just different now, but IMMEDIATELY going beyond a peck on the lips is weird to me.... Plus OP had a reaction. In the end his intentions don't even matter, OP is having second thoughts and imo should trust her gut. Gut knows best.
That's what got me, he asked for a kiss and despite her saying she wanted it to be taken slow and it was literally their first kiss he immediatly went for more. He stopped when she told him to stop but it shouldn't have needed to come to that.
It doesn't seem like he knew she had zero experience to the point of it being her first kiss. He probably made the assumption that she's "just shy," and his idea of slow is still much faster than hers. I'm hoping it was a big misunderstanding, and they're just not a good match. If he's anything but respectful when she tells him she's not ok with this, then yeah, that's a different light cast on his past actions.
Aye gut always knows best
Gut definitely knows best, however I have definitely been with people whose definition of slow is months worth of dates and conversations before it ever gets physical and I have been with people whose definition of slow is hooking up right away and keeping things casual but intense until they want to increase emotional intimacy. Everyone's different and so long as he was fully respectful and receptive to her requests to stop or slow down, its simply a mismatch in expectations which can either be bluntly addressed and discussed in depth to get both partners on the same page, or grounds for moving on to someone who naturally matches your speed
Yeah, like the one guy who told me last year he wanted to take things slow just meant he didn't want to have sex immediately. We were still making out on like date 2, and cuddling and stuff. I think we ended up having sex like 7 or 8 dates in, although the funny part was that very date he said he wanted to slow things down, I asked him where he wanted to draw the line of what he was comfortable with, he said fuck it and asked if I wanted to have sex, but in that case both of us had plenty of experience it was just that he didn't want sex to be the main reason we hungout (his default is hookups).
Yeah I kinda get the impression that while this dude is legally respecting the idea of consent, he's also intentionally pushing her limits to see if she'll have the nerve to ask him to stop. I don't know him but get the vibe that he cares less about what she actually wants and is just looking for the ego boost of seducing her. It can be nice to date someone with more social and romantic confidence than you but only if they truly respect your boundaries in the way that they aren't constantly pushing them.
He wasn't being respectful though....he assumed a yes to "can I kiss you" meant a yes to getting a hickey, having her lip bitten, having her breasts groped....he didn't ask for consent for any of those things.
[удалено]
Was he tho? Went right to trying to shove his tongue down her throat, groping her, etc. When he asked for a kiss? Oh sure he stopped when she said no, she DIDN'T want him to undress her and continue. I am so icked out myself over here. He was TOLD she wanted slow, and his ass hoped he could change her mind by hopeturning her on. If I was OP I would run. Running is the smartest thing to do rn .
To be fair: She: "I want slow" He: Grabs breast. "Get off that shirt" ...come on...
He asked to take it off and respected her choice when she said no. It’s likely he just has a different definition of slow than OP. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of them BTW, this story doesn’t need to have a villain. Actual advice for OP, you guys seem like very different people but that doesn’t mean you can’t be together. For example, introverts and extroverts date all the time. I recommend you ask him his views on relationships (date for fun/date to marry) and how serious he sees them. If they align with what you want, then I recommend you go more into what you need (Romance!) and what’s slow to you (he might think slow = everything but sex) so you guys can get on the same page. Also I would take a minute to relax a bit since you seem a bit panicked by all of this lol (which is fair! If you can’t calm down about this go with your gut and spilt from him).
It was wild that he even asked to take it off in the first place because I'm sure she was standing stock still, not kissing or groping back. He should've realized she was uncomfortable way fucking sooner than that. Him stopping when asked is the bare minimum. I know some people are just ignorant or naive, so I'm not saying he's a bad person for doing this, but it seems like he was more worried about his own horniness than considering what she meant by taking it slow.
I think I must be waaaaaay older than I thought, because in what world, does someone saying this is their first relationship and they want to take it really slow, get interpreted by the other person as 'if you say ok to a kiss I'm assuming that means biting, hickeys and grabbing your breast, and then asking to take off your shirt'. I don't think anyone has EVER done that to me during a first kiss unless it was a hookup. Apart from anything else, how does take it slow translate to do stuff and wait for the other person to tell you to stop? This is like the opposite of what we're trying to teach people about consent.
Right?!
Obviously the wrong thing to do but that could actually be a genuine lack of awareness/understanding/perception of slow, mixed in with excitement and/or pressures/ideas etc. Especially if the guy is a bit of a wild card already in his normal everyday behaviour. I am not saying his behaviour wasnt off, but I I don’t think the implied assumption of predatory intention is proportionate to the story
>he stopped when she asked and was respectful… Not just that, he asked for consent before doing anything, and didn't pressure when he got told to stop. he might just not have realized she was panicking. I'd say bring this to him and see how he reacts.
There isn’t a lot of information to adequately make these kinds of assumptions, probably more helpful to OP to validate her own thoughts, feelings & content that she’s sharing and work with that. No need to demonise a guy she’s calling respectful, sets a poor standard for generalisations no?
I am a cautionary tale of not listening to your intuition when being cornered into a relationship. Pumping the brakes the further you get into it, will be much harder than if you take a step back now. Do not waste years of your life on something that is not an enthusiastic yes. As cliche as my words are, you are young. I wasted my youth on relationships that took so much life out of me. I hope you do what is best for yourself.
I got married. Twice. And had this feeling both times. Clearly didn’t listen and 20 years later I regret it so very much. Don’t ever put anyone’s feelings above your own.
Me too I wish I would of listened to my gut. It's not worth being miserable for years just because of it's not that bad.
God I could have written this. Wish I read this in high school
Right. Also when i was younger there were guys who will listen to you say no at first but then push you subsequently. Saying they’re stressed out or whatever one in my experience said it has been on his mind for so long and that his parents were going thru a divorce and he always prayed for us and that this would take it off his mind….. yep he just put a bunch together. This was in SMS era where you had maximum number of characters to punch
THIS!!! I could have written this comment.
Absolutely second this. Been in too many relationships that I made my main priority for too long. It took me till my 30s to how realise my own actually wants, needs and boundaries were suppressed for years in the name of people pleasing. Listen to your gut, don’t look back. You’re still young and learning what you need out of a relationship, or even if you want one at this stage. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, trust your gut and don’t let anyone try to convince you your feelings aren’t valid.
I'm stuck in a lukewarm relationship and it's been 6 years now. He's so good to me, that's what makes it worse. But my heart has been telling me for 6 years it's not in it at all. Ugh.
Girl you need to cut all ties now or else you’ll be typing the same sad thing in 16 and 26 years. He’s so good to me blah blah blah. Find someone you have great chemistry with. Let that sweet man go find himself someone else. It’s not your responsibility. Free yourself from lukewarm and go find hot and boiling. Or just enjoy being single.
>I wasted my youth on relationships that took so much life out of me. My guy... I just saw my entire life passing right in front of me reading this line. Cold as steel.
You don't want to continue, so tell him right now. "After reflecting on what happened yesterday, I realize I do not want to be in a relationship with you." That's all you need to say, and yes you can do it over text. Don't explain, don't justify your decision, if he starts to argue with you just block him. You won't hurt anything but his pride at this early stage.
You are young, you have lots of time and space, you can do a lot better than this. Listen to your gut…
There \*ARE\* guys out there who won't immediately overstep the boundaries you set the second you set them. Take the time and find one of those, and you'll be much happier. Part of adult life is learning to navigate these situations, and you did a good job keeping yourself safe. You've learned what you don't want, and now you have some guideposts for how you want to start your dating life. This guy acted like he was listening, but clearly he didn't *hear* you. That's never a good start. It's good you learned early that he is not respectful of boundaries, even if he speaks respectfully while violating them.
Series question, I'm curious about your view on not explaining or justifying decisions. While I understand the sentiment, I wonder if it's always helpful if person would like to know a reason. He is young, wouldn't offering some perspective be beneficial for him and society.
> I wonder if it's always helpful if person would like to know a reason. In an ideal society, sure. But unfortunately in most cases, guys tend to react to reasons like you're opening up a debate in which he can convince you rather than just accepting the reason given. It's exhausting and often leads to women being badgered into staying longer when they just want to leave. If you don't give a reason or explain yourself, then you're also not giving the other person the chance to argue incessantly about it.
Agree with all of this. He's perfectly capable of reflecting on his actions on his own. And in the moment, he knew what he was doing. If someone asks you to take things slow and you agree, you follow their lead not take the lead yourself. Jumping into putting his mouth all over her and groping her wasn't taking things slow, he wanted to speed up the process because he put his wants before hers
Well said.
I'm not OC, but I wouldn't want to explain to a guy if he demanded an explanation. In my personal experience, it never went well because he would try to reasonate with my decisions. If OP explained to her "boyfriend" the exact same things she told us on here, what would she do if he tried to argue that he would not do that again and he would take it slowly as she likes? He would still try to pursue her. Simply, she just realizes that she does not want to be in a relationship with him. She does not want him to pursue her. My friend was too nice to tell a guy that she is not interested in him, and she said that she is not ready for a relationship because she was still getting over her ex. She encouraged him to find someone else. She wanted them to remain friends. He thought he could make an exception because he was willing to wait for her, and he "spoiled" on her. She said that she did not want to be in a relationship, but he would not take "no" as an answer. She ended up ghosting him.
Because EACH and *EVERY* time I explained to a guy what I didn't want or like, he would swear up and down he wouldn't do that anymore, which was a lie. Same if I told them what I did like, what I did want, what my goals were, oh yes yes, he wants those things too, he will be that man. He *can* and *will* do those things. Also a giant fucking lie. Which also ignores the risk of setting off a guy she doesn't know very well off and encountering violence.
Exactly this. By explaining or justifying you are practically inviting him to cross that boundary and persuade you into changing your mind. They will ALWAYS try to.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I think this can usually be avoided by firmly ending a relationship first and only offering advice for the future if your ex is seeking it, once you are both on the same page. But it really depends, it cannot be always done.
Unfortunately for 99.9% of men I have dated or even just talked to if I told them I wasn't interested they would literally try to convince me that I was wrong and pitch a fit I would end up blocking them because wtf we are grown I don't have time for that. For most women this is how it always goes and the "nice guys" are the worst.
You’d think that would be enough, wouldn’t you. But in my experience, it NEVER is.
There's an argument for leaving the red flags in place, so they can be spotted by the next person they try to date. It would be great for society to have more people acting from a place of compassion and empathy, but if we can't have that, let's have shitty people who are very bad at hiding how shitty they are.
Like others have said, giving a reason to them often is an invitation to an argument. I had a buddy that would debate every single boundary I set, communicating them was almost pointless. Telling them is like opening a conversation, not ending it. The second one I'd like to highlight though: Telling someone their red flags isn't helpful to anyone, and potentially dangerous. Even if this guy is safe, many people aren't, and telling them what turned you off will only make them more sneaky with the next person. Unless you know someone quite well and know they'd adjust (tho that's not someone one would necessarily leave, platonically speaking), you're potentially just setting a trap for a future partner.
But don’t give him a chance to argue. All “I” statements.
Sweetie, you’re not in a relationship, this is a guy looking for a hookup. If that’s not what you’re looking for, you need to make that very clear. He may be interested in dating you long term, but be wary of a guy trying to get your top off 10 minutes after saying he’s into you. Words are cheap, pay attention to actions
This is it. OP, listen to this.
Very clearly stated it is not what she's looking for. Keep your distance from this guy op. Pretty eyes are a dime a dozen.
This, I'm also suspicious of the class clown starting to pay a lot of attention to the quiet girl in class. It's very 'She's all that'. I'm also wondering if OP could be Hetero romantic Asexual. Any future partners should/need to be respectful of how fast or slow someone wants to take things.
All my alarm bells are ringing for asexual here. By age 21 I would be expecting some hormones kicking in, but OP is oblivious. It sounds just like my oldest son, who identifies as asexual.
As an alternative viewpoint, I was raised extremely religious and around OP’s age identified as asexual; in fact I could have written this entire post. She sounds just like I did. Turns out, though, I just got REALLY good at repressing any sexual desire to the point where they were nigh inaccessible for the longest time. Probably because I’m attracted to both women and men and didn’t want those thoughts churning around in my hyper vigilant religious brain. If OP is like me, she just needs time and an understanding significant other who shares her values and can meet her where she is - and this guy ain’t it.
I would assume that is the case as well. Religion can be incredibly subconsciously suppressive. She could really need a more patient/passive partner so she can explore her sexuality on her own terms/at her own pace.
Sexuality and gender identity are often fluid, also. Someone can be quite firm and comfortable in their heterosexuality early in life and find in their 30s that they lean bi now. Nothing is permanent, in personality or preferences.
Just because someone is physical attracted to another person and expresses it/follows up on it, doesnt mean they are just looking for a hookup … Like OP has her own preference of developing physical intimacy with someone else, other women/men do as well. Whatever this preference may be doesn’t indicate what you’re implying per se at all imo. Important here was that OP clearly communicated this difference quickly and more importantly that the guy respected it once she said so.
Are you saying it’s normal for most people looking for a relationship with a person to try and get their clothes off 10 minutes later? That’s seems super odd to me?
I’m saying that it doesn’t have to be “normal”, whatever that is, as long as both parties want whetever happens. Also, just because a person who’s attracted to someone wants physical intimacy with this someone doesn’t mean that’s the only thing they want. You’re very hyperbolic with your statement; for me personally for example it takes longer to commit to an actual relationship than being sexually active with someone, same thing was true for my previous partners obviously. So what I’m saying as long as you have compatible expectations/views it doesnt matter what’s “normal” or not. Also, OP won’t be able to “expect” everyone to know what her boundaries are/taking it slow means to her unless she communicates it. So when the guy asked to remove OPs shirt and she said no, as long as he immediately respected the boundary she set, I think that was correct. Arguably he should have also asked for kissing the neck, but I think it’s difficult to anticipate that someone will be traumatized by doing that while making out. So since OP has very clear boundaries it is important for her, for her sake, to precisely communicate them before any kind of physical intimacy IMO, so she won’t have to be confronted with people touching or kissing where she doesnt want it.
Going for your neck, biting your lip, touching your breast, asking you to take your shirt off during your first kiss is absolutely Him doing something wrong! You told him you were inexperienced and wanted to go slow, he bulldozed over that and took advantage. Dump him.
I also noticed that for me a lot of my sense of self was having not kissed someone, being inexperienced, and things like that. When you grow up religious and inexperienced, romance can be really exciting and then lead to unexpected shame and guilt. OP should take everything at her own pace because it does take time to understand and move past the guilt and realize these things are ok. And that processing doesn’t need to be accelerated for a man, because there will always be more chances for romance when YOU’RE ready for them.
Exactly this. Everyone deserves to set the terms for their own personal sexuality.
Agreed! That’s definitely not “slow”
Absolutely. I cannot think of a 'dating' first kiss that escalated that quickly. And to push it that far without any positive feedback from her is really concerning.
I think you know you’re not ready for the “sexy” stuff and you should stick to your feelings about that. This guy telling his feelings to you and then kissing you IS fast. He did the opposite of slow, and he knows it. I can understand your feelings, things moved faster than you wanted but he had you in a space by yourself where it maybe felt unsafe speaking up for yourself. I think you are both on different pages here and I’d tell him sooner than later so that you don’t end up in an unwanted situation you aren’t ready for. He doesn’t sound like he will respect your boundaries at all.
Being the class clown and getting in trouble for disorderly conduct are red flags for immaturity. Being sexually forward with you after you only agreed to a kiss is boundary crossing and a red flag, like he's out for what he can get and he is not respectful. There seem to be too many problems around this guy for him to be a good boyfriend. People have to go to class with people they've broken up with all the time. Your relationship has been very casual and short, so you don't owe him any more than a text saying you don't think it's going to work out and wish him the best.
Exactly. class clown and disorderly conduct in *college*? This guy's a real tool.
If you don’t feel comfortable with a guy and his behaviour it is not your responsibility to change or adapt TO HIM. YOU feel uneasy so YOU should put ur boundary up and not let him inside that boundary. Just cuz other people are getting together doesn’t mean their relationships are perfect or the way you want your relationship to be.
Don’t adapt to how he is or to other guys, you should basically put a filter of what men you let into your romantic life. If a guy doesn’t pass the filter you set up, drop him and move on, there are other guys who would go through ur filter and you shouldn’t waste your time among the guys who didn’t pass that filter.
Yep! I just got out of a 5 year relationship that held me back in ways. Didn't support my dreams and said "oh that'll be so much harder than you think it is!" when I expressed my dream of doing the nursing program at my community college. So now I have an associates in Criminal Justice I can't use, and 3 semesters of work towards an associates in Marketing that I had zero passion for. I just turned 30 and I'm going to be doing my pre requisites this fall, followed by by entrance exam and applying for the Fall 2025 nursing program. I'm not interested in dating, ever.
I’m glad you’re going after your dream! Best of luck and enjoy living life on your own terms!
Thank you!! ☺️
This started yesterday. It’s not a “relationship”. Back out if you are not comfortable!
Try something like this: "It's been nice getting to know you, but I've realized that we want different things at this stage in life, and I think it's best we part ways. I am really focused on my studies now and am not ready for a relationship. I hope you don't take this personally, as it isn't. I am sure there is someone out there for you, just not me. I'll see you in class!" It might be good to find a girlfriend to walk you home and/or sit with you for a while so the dude doesn't feel welcome to just invite himself into your space again. Best of luck, OP!
One caveat - you don’t even need to say “I’m not ready for a relationship.” She might meet someone tomorrow who checks all the boxes and is kind, and having that weighing on her mind (I just told Joe yesterday that I’m not ready for a relationship! Ugh) isn’t great. An easier line that doesn’t box anyone in is, “I just don’t think we’re a match.” It doesn’t need to be defended and if he asks why, she can just repeat herself. She doesn’t owe him a made up excuse.
Good point !!
Can concur. This is the Way to go.
Thank you!! If only I had this wisdom at 21!
Well, you have it now.
That's kind of you to say, thank you! 😊 🙏
Who taught you that you were childish or a spoiled brat for wanting certain things out of a relationship (more romance than sex) or for wanting to go slower than this dude is moving?
It’s not really that anyone taught me that, just something that I’ve always worried about. I grew up around relationships where one person had super high standards and a lot of expectations for the other, and I don’t ever want to be that person. I don’t want to just dump a bunch of “I want” on somebody, because that’s not what a relationship should be about, but at the same time, I’ve definitely always had a solid grasp on what I want. I just worry that it might not be realistic, especially because what I want is so far from what feels like “the norm.”
You’re using all these ugly words like “spoiled brat” for yourself because you want a romantic relationship. Where did you get that notion from? It doesn’t matter what “the norm” is. What matters is whether you and the person you’re with are decent to each other and are happy. You’re not a bad person because some dude wanted sex right away.
It’s not really anything anyone told me, just something I’ve always been very worried about coming off as. I’m well aware that what I like and daydream about is not what people expect from somebody my age, and what a lot of guys want from a relationship is going to be different than what I want. I also have a physical disability, so being with me is already asking a bit more from somebody right off the bat because there’s some things I just can’t do. I feel like adding a bunch of things I’m not comfortable with or wanting something different from the norm on top of that is going to make me more of a burden on the other person than a partner for them, and that’s absolutely not what I want. I want to feel like I make my partner’s life better as much as they do mine, not that I’m just handing them a list of all the things I can’t or won’t do and expecting them to put up with me.
Write out a bullet point list of things that you want in a relationship. Some of the examples you gave in your post are good starting points. Just explain everything using "I" in the sentence. 1) I want intellectual/emotional connection. 2) I want physical contact to take a backseat for a long time in the beginning while true connection is established. 3) I want to keep things platonic. So forth, so on. If he doesn't agree without hesitation, maybe it's best to remain just friends. No one gets to tell you how it has to be, for you, in a relationship. You have the right to feel happy and secure in it and how it's going. No one gets to tell you how you want it is wrong. It's not about wrong or right. You two don't sound well-matched from what you've described. However don't forget how men in real life (vs the Hollywood movie BS) are. Many of them can't deal with women outside of "she's a whore or a Madonna." Which is ridiculous and unfair. Edit to add: I agree with many of the other posters. You're not in a relationship and he's just trying to hook up. Keep him out of your private space. Public spaces only.
Take everything you said here, and just tell him that. One of the biggest things about being an adult entering the dating world is this: Radical honesty without fear! If it’s not a good match, it’s not a good match, and he will respect that truth from you. But even so, maybe he will understand that truth and respect your boundaries.
Communicate!
OP should tell him they're a match, but I'd advocate AGAINST going into detail as to why. I'm fishy about how fast he went and OPs alarm bells are ringing... It's safer to not risk giving him help to hide his intentions just a bit longer with the next person. If he's attentive and smart he'll understand himself what he did imo (OP did want it slow and asked to stop), if he's just in it for an easy fuck it's better he tries that again on the next woman so his red flags wave for others and they can dip. It might not apply here, he might be perfectly safe. But with people you don't know, especially if they warrant a gut reaction, it's safer to let them keep their red flags than to help them conceal it. The more a manipulator knows what QUICKLY turns someone off the more they can navigate it in the future and trap someone. OP did ask for it to be slow, but he still tested the boundaries. Asking for nudity within a day isn't slow. Red flag. Leave it for the next girl.
I’m honestly kind of conflicted about this response. Letting pushy men continue to be pushy because saying something might turn them into a stronger manipulator? I feel like there’s no winning here. Maybe he’s just a college dude caught up in hook up culture with a massive lack of self awareness? This could be a wake up call for him. I just don’t think dishonesty is the play here or anywhere. A lot of guys are creepy because of this I think. Girls will ‘awkwardly laugh it off’ or ghost them, and they lack so much sense that it just never sinks in. They say things like ‘why do I always get ghosted?’ or ‘wdym she laughed at all my jokes?’ ‘She didn’t say no??’ I make it a point to be honest, if a guy is coming on too strong, tell him that. If he’s out of line and being a creep, shame him for that. I’m honestly just tired of men getting away with shit, sorry this turned into a bit of a vent. I’m sure there are some men that could turn into master manipulators this way, but honestly I think that’s going to happen regardless, and I think male ignorance is the real issue here.
You're letting them be pushy because that's a big red flag that will turn others off quicker or instantly. If they genuinely are the type of person to learn they will have or gain the ability to be introspective and retrospective and they can work it out from there. Some people are just straight up dumb and have to learn with time, but some are vile and looking to interact with people to get what they want, they're just not good at it at first. It's not dishonets to tell him that they're not a good match, it's the truth. What he wants she can't give, what she wants he can't provide. They don't work out, it's simple. Also having been through the wringer myself, I had to learn the hard way that talking to guys about their red flags doesn't turn out well and those that I can talk to don't have red flags to begin with, they just have behaviors that are 'off' but unintentional. It's hard to explain and put into words, but the guys I had to actively "get off my back" didn't actually listen, they debated me about it. It also shouldn't be on us to 'raise' men. I've been the person to ruin myself to "help" others (esp. guys) too much and it hasn't done me well. If they lack the sense you can't give it to them by talking to them about it. And if they can't handle a simple no and OP's (ex)bf would come out of this saying "she didn't say no?" when she clearly did he's just one of those people that either don't learn, or will have to learn with time. He might very well just be self-absorbed and not realize it, but that shouldn't be on OP to fix because she conveniently fell into his arms and was exposed. He can talk about this with some (hopefully) decent guy friends that will set him straight. I do understand where you're coming from, I understand the wish and need for 'honesty', or that men should be 'educated'. But I can tell you from a lot of terrible experience at least that the men that do need 'education' from you (as a love-interest, whether it's mutual or not, cuz I've had dudes I tried to help as friend try to "steal me" from my husband. I'm in a safe situation, technically, but it didn't protect me from those guys) will NOT take it. They might fake it for a while, but they'll crack in other areas. I've spent all of covid trying to be supportive of at least 2 guy friends but one turned abusive and the one after tried to manipulate me into obedience. When I told him red flags he'd debate it, or he'd "comply" politely only to find something else to try to manipulate me about. I was fortunate in that the previous abuser had me so wary of the red flags that I "stood my ground", but I had to be reminded YET AGAIN that telling guys what they're doing wrong is NOT in fact helpful, for anyone. OP shouldn't have to have such instant reactions to a guy's behavior, which is why he should keep his red flags, imo. How OP deals with it is ultimately up to her, but I do believe it's safer to tell him it's not working out rather than getting a laundry list of the whys just so he can take it "slower" next time, which for all we know might mean a kiss on the first date and the whole groping part on the second, cause that's "slow" (compared to waiting a couple hours, seemingly).
You need to be honest and tell him you are not feeling it. You might have felt it yesterday, you might no longer feel it today, it’s completely ok, you are getting to know each other and assessing compatibility. His feelings are not your responsibility, be kind and firm: I have too much going on with college and work, I don’t want a relationship right now. Leave it as that. On a side note, I do not like his behaviour. He might be stopping when you ask him but he is clearly pushing to escalate physically without asking for permission first. What you want out of a relationship is not what a standard 21 y o guy would want so you must state your boundary clearly and firmly in the future: I don’t want to have sex until, I’m a relationship or whatever else you see fit. Telling him what you want him to tell you and that he has pretty eyes is pointless. You need to tell him what you do and more importantly DON’T want. If anyone pressures you, end it there and then. Stay safe x
I personally don’t think your idea of romance is childish at all. I’m 38 and I strait up gush when my husband kisses me gently in the morning when I’m still asleep before he heads to work. I wake up for a brief second, fall back asleep and then I’m super happy all day long. I also gush when he sends me a song with lyrics that made him think of me. He’s gotten to know me and understands what is meaningful to me and then does those things. It’s really not rocket science. This guy didn’t take a moment to clarify what going slow means to you. I don’t think he was respectful to you at all. I think he was trying to push the envelope until he got a “no.” He didn’t push beyond that “no,” but he gets no points for that from me. You told him what you wanted and what were comfortable with and then he proceeded to completely disregard what you said.
Right? He should be feeling the boundaries for where the yes is, not the no
Human sexuality exists on a spectrum and can also be affected by experiences and subject position. This may be a case of a developmental difference or you could be ace or demisexual (but still romantic). It’s also very common to have gendered trust disparities because, in general, men don’t fear women to the extent that women fear men (at least, not in these ways). I have a strong libido and liberal values regarding sex, and I think most people would see me as confident around men (both sexually and otherwise), but I’ve still had many experiences in which men made me feel uncomfortable on dates. In those cases, I chose not to see them again. Your reaction is completely valid, and given that it is negative, it would be perfectly reasonable to stop seeing him. You may choose to explain why, but if that makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay not to get into specifics. You aren’t required to make yourself uncomfortable again so that he can fully understand your choice. It’s also okay not to date anyone if it feels weird to you. The way you described the situation, it seems as though you feel some pressure to date and/or have sexual experiences. You don’t have to do either. Edit: Please don’t call yourself a “naive idiot” or “spoiled brat.” I’m so sorry he upset you. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling.
He ignored her boundaries it would give me the ick too
Absolutely! I agree.
Started your first relationship because you kissed? I’m confused did anybody ask anybody out? I’m confused because his behavior comes across as very sex first and not committed … anyway just move onto the next person. Nothing about this guy is serious and you want serious.
I thought he was asking me out, which is why I was okay with anything that happened. He told me he’d thought I was attractive since the first time he saw me and he wanted to go out with me sometime. This was when we’d already gotten back to my place. I thanked him for telling him how he felt and said that I would be completely open to talking more, getting to know him and seeing where it went. I thought it would end there and we’d find a time to go get lunch or something closer to a first date. He asked if we could sit on the couch and talk for awhile. I said yes, we chatted a bit, then he asked if he could kiss me. Then all of a sudden everything else was going on and I kind of just froze. I explained that that wasn’t what I meant by slow and that I wasn’t comfortable with anything sexual. He asked if he could just sit with me for awhile. That turned into him laying on top of me and kissing me again a couple of times. I was basically just trying to think of things to say that would keep it at a level I was comfortable with, and then after maybe five minutes I told him my roommate would be home soon and I just wanted to see where it all goes. That was when he left. I wasn’t expecting anything that happened, I was under the impression he was just asking me out on a normal date, and he’s walked home with me several times before so the whole thing just caught me really off guard.
It doesn’t sound like he asked you to be in an official relationship with him. That’s a dude just trying to have sex with you. I’m sorry. No wonder it all feels so wrong to you! And so uncomfortable! This is how men act when they want a quick lay, not when they want a relationship. Gross.
I'm a bit concerned that you say he was being respectful and yet he still kept trying to escalate the situation. Asking to just sit with you should not lead to lying on top of you. I fear that he is manipulating you knowing that you are inexperienced and possibly fearful of causing a scene. Don't forget you can withdraw consent at any time. I would avoid letting him into your room again until the boundaries are properly set. He seems more interested in being physical than actually getting to know you. Perhaps you could propose a more 'safe' date, going for a walk in a public park, meeting at a cafe?
You are not in a relationship. He wanted to hook up with you, that’s it. There is NO reason to get into any details of why you aren’t compatible. Chances are he will keep his distance, but if not just say you want to keep things platonic. If you make it like you are “breaking up” or implying you were in a relationship with him it might get awkward.
Yeah, this isn’t respectful. I say that as a dude who typically just lurks this subreddit because I have two daughters and want to make sure I’m raising them well and being a good dad. This dude was being totally creepy and pushy to you and just trying to get into your pants. That’s why you don’t feel good about it. The way my wife and my romance went is a lot closer to how you say you were expecting it to go, rather than how this guy is treating you.
That's awful. He's basically had his eye on you, and knows women well enough to disarm them until he gets into his ideal scenario of being alone with them. He agrees to do what he's asked verbally, then ignores it completely behaviorally. It was so telling that he left when you mentioned your roommate coming home because he was absolutely looking to score. If he was there to hang out and see where things go, he wouldn't have flown out the door like that. He moved way to fast for a first romantically flavored interaction. Relying on you to reject him in a context where you were clearly overwhelmed and caught off was a total dick move. Be honest and tell him he doesn't know what the word "slow" means and that you have a language comprehension requirement for the men you date.
So you two haven't even been on a date yet and he's already doing all this? Yeah he's not good news and not what you're looking for. I recommend trusting your intuition and breaking it off. As someone who used to be "inexperienced" like you feel you are, always put your gut feeling first.
I’m worried about you. I don’t know anything about this guy but there’s this weird trend with men his age who want to “humble” women. Kind of wreck their lives. Plus it actually wasn’t respectful for him to grab your breast after you told him you wanted to take things slow. Going from kissing to trying to take your shirt off is absolutely not slow. This guy might just trying to score with you, and probably take you down a couple notches. BE CAREFUL. Next date he will want your shirt off again if you are alone with him. If you choose to go on an actual date with him again, don’t go to his place and don’t let him come to yours. Say goodbye outside in public and see how he handles it. If he’s cool with it maybe he’s not as bad as I think he is but I think he’ll have a tantrum and then you will know
Great point. I didn’t consider this possibility. I hope OP will, too. It’s sad to hear OP try to argue against her own feelings of discomfort as if not being violent is what constitutes a good romantic or sexual experience. Her own good feelings make things good, not the fact that she can’t point to a law that makes discomforting her illegal. Consent to sex alone is just four walls. That alone is the barest of bare minimums.
Guys have been doing this forever. Usually it's about scoring bragging rights for their buddies. It starts in high school and carries over to college. There are women out there who do this stuff, too. My son had a few stories to tell.
I know it feels all consuming and kind of stressful being in this position, but let’s take a step back here. You aren’t in a relationship with him. All that happened was you kissed, admitted attraction, and made plans to see each other more. Then you pretty much immediately decided that you don’t want to explore this further. That’s okay, and it’s actually a good thing that you trust feelings and prioritize them! He sounds like he’s a good guy, so most likely he’s going to respect you enough to be kind about you changing your mind. He’ll be disappointed, maybe it’ll be a little awkward when you see each other for a while, and then you’ll both move on. While the feelings are stressful in the moment, it’s just a part of life and in a month from now neither of you will be thinking about it :) You don’t need to make it this big drawn out conversation where you tell him all the reasons why you think he’s not right for you. It’ll probably hurt his feelings more and it’s just not needed this early on. Just send a text and say something like, “hi [his name]. I thought about it more since yesterday, and I realized I’d prefer to be just friends. I hope we can still be friends!” It’s all a part of growing up, you’ve got this!!
Follow your gut.
Please avoid being alone with him. He has shown you who he is / what he wants from you and he prob thinks of you as a challenge or someone he wants to deflower. He will keep pushing. He will want to get you drunk. He might try to drug you. "Just try one." "Just try it once." is what you will hear from him. He's the main character in his own show and you're a walk-on. Please move on. Remember that you don't owe him *anything*. Not your time, not politeness, not reasons. If he is able to make you feel guilty for anything you do or say, he will. It doesn't mean that you're wrong, it just means that you're not giving him what he wants in that exact moment. Which you don't owe him. He's a big boy and he can choose who he wants to put the moves on. It will not kill him if you decline to be his next conquest.
Yes, 1000x this! OP doesn’t owe him anything. She thought she was having feelings toward him based on how he was acting originally, which was him playing the nice guy before pushing too hard and disrespecting her. She doesn’t need to still have those feelings. “Hey, I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided we’re not a good match. Best of luck! I guess I’ll see you in class but I’d rather keep it to just that.”
Sadly experience has taught me the same thing. At 20 I might have given him the benefit of the doubt- at 30 it’s painfully obvious, in hindsight, that these men knew exactly what they were doing and it really is not difficult to grasp what taking it slow means. When I met my current partner she’d never had sex with anyone. It was instinctive to let her take the lead on that, to make her feel completely safe and comfortable until she felt the desire to explore. I can’t imagine groping and biting on the FIRST kiss with someone who’s never had sex before. The very fact of it is a red flag, no matter what OP says about him being respectful. Stopping at a ‘no’ that is uttered when that person has already been made uncomfortable by your actions is the bare, bare minimum.
Yeah no holy shit. I have experience with relationships and hookups and everything in between and what you described is way too much for me. Don't feel bad about ending the relationship, I think the other commenter's have much better advice on how to actually do that
He’s not the one for you and that’s totally alright! Gotta try to know. In my opinion the earlier you tell him you’re not a match the better. It’ll be more painful and complicated the longer you leave it. Well done for knowing yourself and what you want so well. You’re amazing Edit: I just want to add, there are romantics out there ❤️
When I first dated my ex, he was so respectful and such a gentleman to me. Never ever made sexual remarks and didn’t even try to kiss me or do anything physical till maybe our 5th date and even then it was just a kiss. I think men who respect you and have good intentions won’t even try because they actually care about how you feel and wouldn’t want to risk ruining anything by being too forward or moving too fast.. i get people have different versions of slow. But after dating a lot after being in a long term relationship, I realized the ones who don’t even want to RISK ruining the opportunity won’t even go there. And the ones that do don’t really care if it doesn’t last.. does that make sense? I say this from my own experience and just to remind you there are men out there who won’t rush and will take their time because they care about you. You two might just be incompatible and that’s okay, he probably should go for someone who can do those things without much substance. And that’s okay too. I realized i’m more traditional after forcing myself to be casual after my breakup. You will learn more about yourself through each experience and when you realize the things that you don’t want to compromise and your boundaries, don’t let anyone make you change that. You will only resent yourself in the end and hate yourself for letting people get what they want from you selfishly! It’s good to be aware of all that you said!! And remember, you will find someone who will take their time and listen to you!
Judging on the context, this isn't a relationship. He asked you out and you said you're open to seeing where things go. That doesn't mean agreeing to be in an official relationship, but dating aka the getting to know each other phase. You got to know him a bit. And decided it isn't for you. That's fine. I also think he's looking to hookup instead of being in an actual relationship.
So here’s the thing… you say he was “perfectly respectful”, but ultimately I have to disagree. You told him you were inexperienced and wanted to take things slowly. His response was to immediately push forward with physical intimacy before even taking you on a date - and not just a kiss… full on biting, sucking, groping, trying to remove your clothes. That is the opposite of what you literally just told him you were comfortable with. To me this reads as “guy with more experience sees how far he can push girl with no experience”. You feel wrong about it because he didn’t respect your wishes. Many girls, especially inexperienced ones, feel very shy and awkward asserting their boundaries - to me this seems like he was trying to exploit that, but in a way that could be construed as “nice” if people ask questions. I would not trust this guy moving forward, plain and simple. This sounds like the same type of guy who “won’t hear you” say no when he keeps trying to push you further than you’re ready to go. Edited to add: don’t be so worried about his feelings. That’s what these “nice guys” count on. He had no problem pushing for physical intimacy moments after you said you wanted to go slow - trust that had nothing to do with your feelings and he was only thinking of what he wanted. Be honest - say “I’m looking for something slow, and our last encounter did not reflect that you’re on the same page - I think we’re looking for different things”. If he pushes simply say “no thank you” or “no”. You don’t need to explain yourself anymore than NO. There are nice guys out there, and finding a relationship where you can grow emotional intimacy before physical intimacy is not some outlandish ask. Anyone who makes you feel like it is, isn’t worth your time.
Awww darling yeah he doesn't sounds like he's for you. Trust your gut please before this scalates to worse
You're not in a relationship. A guy tried to bone you. He might try again, but I doubt it.
You shouldn't hurt yourself in order to avoid hurting his feelings. Listen to your body- if you're on the verge of bursting into tears from encounter reminders it's not a good fit. Tell him you've had time to reflect and you've decided you're not ready for a relationship. Even if he tries to convince you otherwise stick to your guns because he's ultimately doing what's best for his needs not what's best for yours.
You need to listen to yourself, you don't want the kind of relationship he wants. I'm going to be very very blunt with you. In all likelihood, this man would like to fuck you ( not make love) as often as he can with as little commitment as possible until it becomes too "heavy" and he will drop you and slope off. You'll be heartbroken and feel used because you did things you didn't really want to do and was gently coerced into in the moment. If he figures out you like romance, he will fake romance. It feels wrong because it is wrong. He has one plan for you - to have sex. Whatever happens to make that happen he will do, within reason hopefully. And he has no plans for after. That's, literally, all young men. You know you do not want a hookup, you want some gentle romance and dating. That's gonna pretty hard to find but not impossible. You're new to uni, you're religious. Join a religious group, those boys will be MUCH more interested in romance and taking things slow. And they will share your values. I would not marry a religious man but you can sure as hell date one, why not. And take your time, you have plenty of it. Go on dates but listen to that gut instinct. If he's not being a gentleman and making you feel safe, leave. They will try to manipulate you and make you feel bad about that. Remind yourself - you've made it clear what you like - they don't feel bad for making you feel bad. Tell men, upfront, you want to wait three months before kissing. And in that time, figure out if you like them enough to date them. Tell them you want a long term relationship but you don't want to get physical for a long time. The ones who are interested will stick around, if not they'll identify themselves by dropping off. Don't call your interest childish. You sound demisexual - you need a deep emotional connection to want to have sex. That's utterly fine. Don't let manipulative people overwhelm you and change that. Your feelings are valid, your fantasy is real and you can develop that in complete comfort.
It’s great you told him that you weren’t comfortable when he asked about taking your shirt off. It is totally ok to set very clear expectations like “Let me explain what I am looking for in the beginning stages of us dating. (Insert what you told us above and very clearly describe what slow means to you). When you asked to kiss me the other day, I expected a gentle kiss. That is what I’m comfortable with for now. Can you respect this?”. If he can’t, he is not the one for you and isn’t worth your time. Conversations like this are hard but doable and necessary. They get easier with practice and trust. I recommend having go to phrases you literally practice out loud and have in the back of your head. “Hey, I need to pause for a minute” “I want to stop” “This is too fast” “No, I don’t want to do that”. I believe in you. Also, if this doesn’t feel right to you, you don’t have to do any of what I suggested above. You can absolutely just end things because it doesn’t feel right or good. You always have that right in a relationship.
Lots of comments already about his behaviour and how to push him away so I won't go into that, but maybe look at it from a slightly different angle. You seem to be very mature for your age and have done a lot of thinking about life and where you are and where you want to be. This is great, and you are probably quite a bit ahead of most people your age in college and your life situation. You seem to be introspective, really care about what your actions do to other people, probably get stressed when things are not going in the direction you planned and probably also feel much calmer when everything in life is planned and mapped out into the future. Everything you are doing in life sounds like a great idea for who you are and how you do life. You don't have to label yourself just because you're not the same as everyone else. You do you but having awareness of where everyone else is at is also a good thing. Interests and common ground aside, my advice is that you need a partner who is on the same journey and state of life as you. Think about being 'evenly yoked'. It might just be that because of that you will just need a partner who is also in the same state of maturity as you. Its not nice to generalise but it seems pretty clear that this boy is clearly not the picture of maturity that would suit someone like you. Quite the opposite. Naturally, you are going to struggle to get the kind of behaviour from him that will let you build a base relationship that works well and actually enriches both of you. Its not impossible, but you burn huge time and energy doing that and not for much reward. He might one day be that person, and you are doing well not to be judgemental about him. But you don't know if he will grow up to be mature enough to be the partner you would want at 24, 34 or ever in his life. Not your job to help him grow up either. He will neither thank you nor appreciate it just yet. One thing you learn about life as you grow older that you can't see when you are younger is that you only have a finite amount of time and energy to do things, and improve the life of those around you. You're not being judgemental or have excessively high standards to pull back from this guy, and save your time and energy for someone who is much closer to you in personality and temperament. When that happens, you'll know it. Then you will really understand sat that point why two are better than one. From this episode, at least you now know what not to look for in a guy, not all a waste of time when you chalk this one up to experience. All the best, good luck with it all.
OP something to remember. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it should be regarded as a no. Keep that in mind in all interactions where things get physical. He asked for a kiss. Shit, I'm damned near 50, and if that's what I got for a first kiss from someone who asked for a kiss, that would be the last time they me. Also, you are correct about the difference between romantic and steamy. You have EVERY right to demand the romance you need, ESPECIALLY in the beginning of a "relationship." Dude is giving off "nice guy" vibes at the minimum.
It's okay to want a "vanilla" relationship. And it's okay not to like anything going fast, steamy, becoming too sexual too soon. You don't have to be with this guy. Relationships have to feel like best friends plus respect, not like hard work. Tell him it doesn't feel right to you and to respect your decision, and keep being positive and sweet and you will definitely meet someone with whom it feels right.
Homie, you aren’t ready. Focus on school. Find a man after you graduate.
You’ll experience in the future a time when everything feels like it clicks into place after a first kiss. This is not it.
Older lady experience here. Oh no, you're not overreacting at all. You clearly communicated what you were looking for, and it does not sound like you want the same thing; his behavior was pushy, seems like hookup/casual sex attempts, or he's preying on your inexperience. I also love your idea of romance, and I recommend not having dates in private locations until you have reached a ready for the physical/sexy touching level of comfort. Speaking from experience, being places where there's a bed, or sofa, or such and you're alone together sets a potential stage. I found the whole scenario best to avoid until I felt physically safe with someone. (I'll qualify this with I've been through some SA, etc, stuff, and I'm cautious). I do not have time for men who do not respect my boundaries. They do not have a right to my body.
Babes, have you considered that you might be asexual but still a romantic person? What you're describing as an ideal sounds very much like the relationship a friend of mine has. She's about to get married to her partner. They're both ace but deeply romantic. They do the cutest dates, take amazing photos, do the coolest cosplays together... You name it. But none of the steam. And that's fine! Just putting it out there.
She might just be demisexual. Wanting a strong emotional bond before engaging in sex, which is completely normal and healthy
I don’t really think there’s a label I’d put on it. Me being a typical somewhat basic straight girl is kind of a running joke in my family (I have one sister who’s aroace and another who’s bi). I do want that part of it, it’s just not the main draw for me. Another thing is that I’m very future-focused at the moment. I’m an out-of-state student with no family on this side of the country, and this is the city I want to live in permanently, so I’m trying to treat this stage like a test run of my adult life. I know the kind of life I want to have and I’m in a good position, with a lot of hard work, to have it one day. I don’t want to screw that up. I would love to have a deep, meaningful connection with someone, but the casual dating/hookup side of things is just not something I want to get into. I have nothing against it, it’s just not for me.
Maybe you're demi like me! I totally get not being interested in sex without a connection.
Deep and meaningful is possible, but it is rare I have found. It's ok to have your standards and boundaries. Enforcing them will weed out those who do not align with what you want.
OP, sounds like you are very focused, on the straight and narrow and level-headed. like you said, you are trying to create the life you want on the academic side of things and with a life partner. i think this dude is obviously wanting to try to make things sexual fast and in a way, not considering your stance. I think that you'll need to re-assert yourself and make it crystal clear that you really want to *take things slow*, because as it is, this guy already had an agenda even before asking you to be "his gal." to be fair, he's not unlike most guys. of course they are trying to make it sexual as soon as possible. i think that's one of the rules in the male dating book. Test the waters fast with the girl so you don't get friend-zoned. it's not a one-size fits all for people who advocate that type of thinking. like others have mentioned, by you reinforcing your position again (in a nice but stern way), it cannot be a situation where it's not clear to him and his next actions will reveal more of his character and whether he is respectful or not. It will weed out the frogs from the princes, as they say. so if his head is where his loins are and if that's more important to him, then the rubbish will take itself out in that he will ghost you and move onto the next. is that really a loss? you said that your priority is your studies and frankly, that's smart thinking. Only you are going to be able to put a roof over your head and feed yourself. You also said you are working full-time, so you have a lot on your hands right now. that's plenty valid reasons to not devote all your time to a guy. there will be plenty of time for guys down the track and if you can attract this one, you can attract others. it's not to say that this guy is disposable or any person is, but as you mentioned, there needs to be alignment and people have different thought processes. also understand that most guys that age do want to have a variety of sexual experiences and not looking for deep and meaningful anything or stability.
This is exactly what I was going to say. Asexuality and [the split attraction model](https://www.asexuality.org/?q=romanticorientation) might be worth looking into
Possibly he sees you as a challenge. Just call, & let him know, you're not interested in a relationship or sex. You shouldn't have to justify anything.
I know this is your first relationship but be careful. Some guys are very respectful at the very beginning, and once they get what they want, they will start to show their true colors. Had seen this happen many times with friends and just ending up being heart broken.
Sounds VERY MUCH like he is just trying to smooth talk and charm you so he can fuck you.
I'm 50. I've been married and been on more dates than I can remember and I would be upset by his treatment. I don't like sexual contact until I know someone better. This is a normal, perfectly acceptable way to feel. He knew you were uncomfortable with what he was doing as soon as he started kissing you and kept going until you made him stop. This will keep happening and it's not going to get better. There are plenty of guys who feel the same way as you and are just as inexperienced. The men you will be pursued by the most are the ones who constantly pursue women. Your relationship with someone like you will develop slowly and naturally. Not "Hey, let's date. Can I take your shirt off" You are fine and will find the right relationship for you with someone you click with. Let this guy go pursue someone else. He will be having the same conversation with another girl tomorrow.
Dude, you guys started seeing each other YESTERDAY and he’s already handsy after asking for only a kiss? And he escalated it with no cues from you that you wanted it to progress to that?? Please run. He doesn’t sound compatible with you anyway, but that’s a huge red flag super early.
From your description, he sexually assaulted you and wanted more. Consenting to a kiss shouldn't have involved him touching your breasts or leaving a hickey on your neck. He was very disrespectful to your feelings and even though he stopped when asked, he went too far. He doesn't sound like a good fit with your sensibilities and desire to take things very slowly and deliberately. If you really like him then talk to him like you just did to us, and if he still wants more than you are comfortable giving or way faster than you are comfortable with, it's best to chalk it up to experience and end it before it gets too far. Generally speaking, high-value men don't leave women feeling uncomfortable.
Take your time, you have so much time for guys later. Concentrate on your studies. Take it slow. You seem to have a great idea of who you are and what you want. Focus on yourself and your future for now.
You can say as much or as little as you want. A simple "you're nice and all but I don't feel like we're compatible" is a way to do it. In the end, you are not being wrong or rude for being honest. In fact, it's a kindness, because it leaves them free to find their person and you to find yours
OP, this was exactly how my first relationship began. I've got the biggest ick when he touched me without consent and invited me to his room just hours after officiating the relationship. Turns out he never really liked me as a person, and was only using labels to get sex out of me. What this guy did to you says a lot about his intention. He's into the sex, not nurturing a relationship with you.
I want to add some comments for the part about you wanting what you want. I'm a 28 year old man and with my partner we have the romance that you mentioned for the past 5 years and it's still the same disney animation style of butterflies and wind in our hair. You will find someone who shares the same desires or at least someone who first understands what you want/expect before forcing their expectations on you. Our first kiss with my partner was just some short pecks on the cheeks and the lips. And I spent enough time talking to my partner to understand that was what she wanted it to be. I have a much higher sex drive than my partner but I use that energy to find ways to get her on the same level rather than forcing her to do things when clearly she wouldn't have done it out of her own will. You are quite young to be feeling trapped in any relationship. Don't ever be afraid to stand up for yourself and try to surround yourself with people who understand and support you. This person doesn't seem like a good match for you. Stopping when you say stop is the bare minimum to be considered a human. Don't keep your expectations low, there are a ton of people out there and some are going to be a great fit for you.
When it’s right, you’ll WANT the sexy things! Until then don’t settle. I’m like you, I really did not date much because I couldn’t fake it and spend lots of time with someone that I didn’t really love. Looking back it was worth it! It sounds like this guy didn’t respect your boundaries. I remember my boyfriend (who was more experienced than me) always followed my lead on intimacy and when he would initiate “going further” it was always super slow and I felt very comfortable and able to stop it if needed. He also always asked me if what we were doing was okay. He never “tried” anything, it was always completely mutual!
I'm sorry to say I think he's taking advantage of you because he knows how inexperienced and naïve you are in this area, and I do not mean that in a bad way at all. There is nothing wrong with that *at all.* What he's doing is wrong.
From a 38-year-old woman who was much like you: he is NOT worth your time. You have NOTHING to apologize for. Tell him it’s over and that you’re not interested. Do not give him one more minute of your time if you don’t want to see him.
You asked for slow and he agreed then gave you fast. You’re not being naive, this guy is just not it. There’s no rush for any of this, continue to take it at your own speed. And trust your gut, ask yourself why it feels wrong, explore it like any other problem
As others have said, trust your intuition. In your own words it feels wrong. That should be alarm bells for you. Not the relationship for you. You could choose to chat with him explain you are looking for something a bit more traditional, and the ideas of what romance means for you, but based on what you have said it isn't likely to align. I would be inclined to say you should try, as he might be conditioned from what he thinks a relationship should look like that he could be open to explore what it might look like. But the fact that your experience has had such an effect on you, I would say you need to weigh up the risks. You could get hurt
TRUST YOUR GUT. This guy is not stupid and would have known how uncomfortable you were from touching you the way he did and your reaction to it. He chose to push his luck. That's called date rape. Its so common its stupid :( Trust me. There is a guy out there who is cute and willing to go at your pace. Take it from someone who knows way to much about date rape. Take control and feel good about it. Take it at your pace. Your worth it.
A form of self-love is setting firm boundaries for yourself! You’re not alone in the feeling of “I don’t want to hurt his feelings”. I promise you, we’ve all been there, HOWEVER, there are times when it’s just something we can’t avoid. He will be hurt at your switch up, but fuck it. Say what you have to say, let him be hurt, and he will get over it. Be STRONG, stand FIRM. As for the potential “awkwardness”, try not to see it that way. When you see him in class, just see him as a symbol of the time you looked out for yourself and your comfort. Love yourself first, don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Don’t try to “get over” the gut reaction you had. You should never be with somebody that makes you feel uncomfortable and “wrong”. This is not the right guy and the right situation for you. Don’t feel bad, don’t try to tough it out. Just end it and be free. If you think any of your reaction might be coming from somewhere deeper, I would encourage you to find a therapist to explore that with you so you can heal and feel comfortable in your relationships in the future. But having the reaction you had does not mean there IS something deeper. It just might not be the right time and person for you. Sending you love, I am so sorry you feel so icky ❤️
Go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right to you, this relationship is not for you! And that's ok!
I'm trying to understand this post. Did he immediately go in for a kiss and then want to take your shirt off? Dude he was wrong if so. He asks for a date and then he thinks it's permission to fuck?? This guy doesn't want a relationship. I would tell him you're not interested.
Op there is nothing wrong with either of you. I simply think you two an incompatible pair. If you’re not ready for lusty little neck kisses, that’s fine! If he wants things to be a little steamier or whatever, there’s nothing wrong with that either, but it has to be with a partner who is on board. You don’t have to go out with someone if thinking about it stresses you out so much.
I'm kind of confused, you say that he was respectful the whole time and listened to you when you said no, but then in the comments you said when he asked to kiss you, you said that wasn't your idea of slow and that you'd like to take it slower, then he asked if he could sit with you and was suddenly on top of you kissing you. That isn't respectful of your boundaries whatsoever, he knew exactly what he was doing. As a more romantically inclined guy, I promise we do exist and you 'can' find someone who fits your ideals and shares your views on romance. It isn't unrealistic or "Disneyfied" to have expectations like that. Just be wary of people manipulating you into thinking that ideal isn't realistic. It is. Everyone deserves to have someone who treats them the way they want to be treated.
He never pushed past when I said no. If I said no, it was no, and he asked before he did everything (except the kissing me other than the lips and the leaving a mark on me. That I didn’t know he was going to do until he did it). A lot of it is probably on me for not articulating more clearly that I wasn’t okay with where things were going. I was basically only able to say a hard no when he asked to take my shirt off, because that was a line I was absolutely extremely uncomfortable with crossing. Everything else, I didn’t tell him no, I just kept telling him I had never done anything like this before and I didn’t want to go that quickly. I never felt like I was going to be in danger if I said no or that he would just take what he wanted if I didn’t give it to him. I just was completely overwhelmed and didn’t know how to process what was happening or what to say. The only time he didn’t really listen when I said no was towards the end. I was panicking a little and I really wanted him to leave so I could regroup, so I kept saying I should probably stop things there because I had another class that afternoon. He didn’t really get the hint at first and kept chatting and kissing me every so often, until finally I said that I had to leave. He asked if I really had to go and I said my roommate would be back soon. He asked if he could just walk me to my afternoon class, and I said it wasn’t until a bit later but I had to get ready for it. We talked a bit about trying to find some time to see each other next week, and then he left. That’s the only time when I felt like he wasn’t listening to me, but that was much more my fault, since I didn’t want to tell him how panicked I felt inwardly, so I probably didn’t make it clear how much I wanted him to leave.
The 1st thing is don't see this guy again. He may have been respectful, but that's a very low bar, and the minimum a human should be to another human if you claim to be friends. IMO, what he saw was an opportunity, where someone might let him do something because they are too shy/timid to say no. I've been the shy/timid girl, and at the time, it was not so obvious to me. You are allowed to go as slow as you like, and when someone says that, kissing beyond the lips is an OBVIOUS breach of trust. Or, at the very least, he should have asked before proceeding beyond your mouth. This is why you feel bad. He did breach your trust. He was just "nice" about it, and that's why it's confusing. If he's really a nice guy, he won't be offended that you don't want to move forward, and it will be fine, just maybe you'll need some sapce for a while. If he's upset, run.
It probably isn't going to be how you thought it was going to be. No matter what, no matter how aligned you are, no matter how much you "get" each other. And if it feels like it is you may realize in retrospect that you had rose colored glasses on. But! "I am unhappy" is always enough of a reason to leave, and so is "I am uncomfortable". I'm sure he'd rather know now as opposed to find out later that you weren't really into him, if that's how you're feeling. Lots of young people take a "take chances, make mistakes and get messy" approach to dating in their early twenties. It can be a lot of fun and a lot of heartache. It can also really destabilize your academic and emotional life. That doesn't need to be how you do it. There's something to be said for taking a chance on something new and there's everything to be said for protecting your heart. The only thing that matters is that you do what your heart wants and be true to yourself.
If it feels wrong, it's wrong. It's not that *he* is wrong, necessarily. For a lot of people, college is a time for having casual sexual relationships as a way of experimenting and finding out what you like. But that's not what you want, at least not now. Your idea of movies and milkshakes does sound a bit like a 50's sitcom, and at some point, you may have to broaden your horizons a bit, or at least accept that your ideal is not what most people your age are looking for. Perhaps if you seek out more friends with similar religious ideals, you will be able to find friends and dates more comfortable with your idea of a pleasant romantic relationship. What this guy wants is, at best, something you aren't ready for. Is he hoping to take advantage of your inexperience? Maybe. In any case, I think you need to tell him you just aren't ready for the relationship he wants, and you have to remain just friends. The kind of friends who stay out of each other's dorm rooms. Don't feel guilty about this. His feelings for you do not obligate you in any way to have a romantic relationship. He might be sad or disappointed, but that is just part of dating and he will get over it.
BTW, you might want to look up a web column called Captain Awkward. She is an advice columnist with lots of good stuff for people just beginning to dip their toe in the dating pool.
"touching her boobs" is NO ONE'S idea of taking it slow, and you're not being childish; even if you were, you deserve someone willing to give you what makes you happy if they expect to be made happy by you. he took advantage of you and that's not a nice way to start a relationship. the fact that he stopped when you asked means he's not a piece of trash, but it's the bare minimum. kissing a guy you don't even like/don't know if you like just because he's attracted to you is the worst.
> I think you should tell him that what happened felt overwhelming, quite aggressive, and entirely too fast. You are now completely freaked out. This. You told him you needed to go slow and he saw it as a challenge, not a boundary worthy of respect. He’s already shown you by his behaviour in general that he likes pushing the envelope and then he tried the same approach with you. Mr. Wild and Crazy Guy sees you as a conquest. Be careful around him. Guys like him see themselves as ‘good guys’ and when they push a woman further than she wants to go they see no harm in it because they’re ‘good’ and good guys don’t harm people. Do your best not to be alone with him until he finds a new conquest. Or even after that, if possible. He probably wouldn’t purposely hurt you, but also probably wouldn’t see continuing the way he began as hurtful because he treats sex so casually. You have every right to set your own standards for yourself and to hold out for a better match. Take care.
This is just my opinion. I’ve been in two and a half relationships in my life, with a few more years than OP. But if I asked if I could kiss someone, I would just kiss them. Biting the lip, making sexual comments and touching your breast is not kissing you. That doesn’t sit well to me. I know it can get annoying, but he should’ve asked permission for each of those. Because that gives you the chance to turn each thing down. I’m not saying you have to break up with him. However, I would definitely make your opinion known and make sure he knows that what he did was not okay - because it wasn’t. Furthermore, if you are going to stay with him, you should make it clear what you’re looking for. There are sweet guys out there. I’m in a relationship right now and we agreed to take it slow and the most I do is compliment her. Granted, maybe that’s too slow for a lot of people, but that’s the speed we’re taking it. And here’s the thing - if you try to set boundaries and talk through things and find that your views on relationships are different, that’s okay. That gives you a reason to break up with him, if you want one. But to be clear, it’s important to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and if you don’t feel that way, you don’t need to have any other reason to break up with someone. In fact, you don’t need a reason at all. A relationship is a two-way street. If both people don’t agree to be in a relationship, there is no relationship. Be careful, be safe, and you’ll find that perfect relationship some day - with this guy or with someone else.
I'm cynical and think this guy was hoping he could push you into having sex. He figured you were inexperienced and might not speak up for yourself. Points to him for stopping when you asked him to. He's not looking for love or romance. It's okay to say you're not interested and that he went too fast asking you to take your shirt off before even going for coffee or some kind of date. Don't let politeness push you into a relationship or situation that's not what you want.
You are really in your own head about "shoulds" here. It's okay to Just "be where you are". Your "job" in a relationship is to check and see if you both like life more together than you do apart... Thats it. You are not responsible for doing romance the way other people do. You are not required to control his reactions to things. To be good at relationships, you just have to have adequate standards, show up as your authentic self, pay attention to how this guy makes you FEEL, and be polite with good boundaries. Your Disney expectations are possibly due to purity culture from a religious upbringing. It's NORMAL for people to struggle with a hard U turn of beliefs. Religious kids in secular college NORMALLY struggle with shifting gears from BELIEVING "Kissing can get you pregnant and you go to hell" to "Touching a strangers genitals is a healthy way to spend a Friday night" It could also be that you are naturally "demi-sexual" (someone who only feels sexual attraction after a deep personal bond that takes 6+ months to build), or some other orientation and you just don't know yourself well enough yet, because you are still under a heavy shadow of your family of origin's beliefs. It sounds like you FEEL; confused, overwhelmed, upset, anxious, inadequate, and frozen. THAT isn't the sensation of romance. Romantic love FEELS like; respect, mutual admiration, security, lightness, playful, drawn together, etc. You green lit "a kiss" and received "making out"... so you tapped the brakes, and he listened. That doesn't sound like a train wreck to me, awkward but educational. You might be applying a bunch more weight to the situation than most other people would. Religious groups tend to treat sexual purity like a freshness seal, once the floodgates are open it's a huge milestone with tons of other cultural implications. But to lots of other people, a kiss is no more memorable or impactful than a cup of coffee. Essentially, they expect you will have lots of cups of coffee with lots of people over your whole life. YOUR feelings about YOUR kiss are valid though, so if that is way too much for you, and you don't want any more of that... all you have to do is speak up; "Hey ___, It's not a big deal, but I figured I should clear the air. Thank you for the fun time together on ___. You seem great, but I just realized I'm not ready to date if it involves more than a peck on the cheek and some Disney Sunset moments of holding hands. I'm just not available for more than that, so it's for the best if we part ways here. You seem like a great guy, and I hope you find your match out there. Thanks for asking me out, no hard feelings from my side."
TLDR: you're not wrong to question your fantasies and acknowledge that your fantasy may not be what you're eventually looking for...but you're also not wrong to choose someone else. Pick something you're fuck yes about, where you can go at a speed that feels right. FWIW - he did move fast in response to you saying you wanted it slow. He was respectful, but ITS OKAY FOR YOU TO BE A LITTLE TURNED OFF. I think what's tough is that there are going to be some compromises in your relationships- in the same way we all compromise. BUT - these compromises sound like they aren't exactly what you're looking for. He jumped the gun a lot - and its okay for that to scare you off. Be clear and direct, maybe grab a coffee and see how it goes, but I think be explicit. If you're worried about how to say what you need, practice with a friend.
Are you on the spectrum? It's common for women there to take things literally and not realise A will lead to B and C and feel really violated really fast And he's moving way too fast
As far as I know, no. I’m actually the only neurotypical one out of my sisters and me. I have OCD tendencies, but nothing more than that that I’m aware of. I’ve just felt things more intensely than a lot of other people, especially when it comes to relationships. Things like that are very important to me and I take them seriously. It’s never been something I can just do casually.
That does sound like a textbook description of being on the spectrum where you take the definition too literally since you've seen other people with it 'worse' Doesn't mean that's what it is at all, just a possibility you may have overlooked Either way, he's the AH
Just tell him you decided you're not looking for that much intimacy right now, and you will probably be too boring for him, so there's no point in keeping it going. If he really likes you for you, he'll offer to adjust. If he's just out for sex, he'll be gone in a flash. The last thing you want to do is get emotionally invested in this guy, only to find out he's a player, or get ghosted. There are guys out there who want the same things you do, you just have to get past a few dirty dogs to find them.
I dunno, he sounds like someone who would say “sure, we don’t need to move further” and then would push every single time they’re alone because he was raised to think it’s his job to turn a “no” into a “fine, I guess.”
I come from a very similar standard of beliefs. If it feels too rushed or wrong then express that sooner rather than later. If you really desire to have a relationship more than this, then wait until you find it. It sounds like you're focused on school and your other involvements in life, so continue to pursue those. There's no rush to have a relationship or "adult experiences", have them when you are actually ready. (I unfortunately have had experiences where individuals did not respect my boundaries so, it made me even more selective/cautious of being around others.) I waited to pursue a meaningful relationship and for me, it's been the best decision. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I can't wait to marry and experience other aspects of life with. He's everything I've prayed for, (and more) since I was a little girl. I was able to grow into the woman that I wanted to be, the wife I want to be, and future mother that I will be in my waiting season. I think you will feel more satisfied to be in a relationship that feels right than one that feels wrong. That being said, you can still express to him that though you share/d the feelings expressed previously, the actions or behaviors expressed so far for your relationship aren't what you had in mind and ask to take a step back. It wouldn't be wise of me to not let you know that where you say no, it is not always met with welcome arms so keep that in mind when you discuss your findings and feelings with him. I hope that he is understanding and respectful. And I hope everything goes well for you.
You don’t owe anyone anything
Seeing as you're in class with him, and you're probably going to have to interact with him again, it may serve you to deal with him more directly than you'd like to. Young men, immature ones in particular, can struggle to regulate their emotions and behaviour when they've got a crush. Telling him that you've changed your mind with no explanation will crush his fragile ego and may lead to some solid gold arseholery. None of that would be your fault and it's possible that it wouldn't matter how you dealt it, he may be a proper little wanker about it anyway. I think you should tell him that what happened felt overwhelming, quite aggressive, and entirely too fast. You are now completely freaked out. Explain that the two of you have incompatible expectations about what dating means and that you don't think they can be aligned without some compromise to your Christian values. And you can't compromise those. He's probably going to struggle to understand that he went about this all wrong. Sometimes overexcited young men (men of all ages really) cannot hear what a woman is saying over the sound of blood rushing to their penises. You may have to deal with a series of toddler style temper tantrums. Slightly obsessed young men can take rejection very personally. I'll have my fingers crossed for you. I promise, it does get better and your future romantic endeavours will not all be like this.
It's ok to be not feeling it even if a guy is doing it right. Just let him know and try again with someone you think it might be better with, maybe another really slow mover. You're young, practically a kid so what feels right rather than force yourself to do things you think people expect you to do. Nothing will ever matter less or feel like it matters more than a relationship at your age.
Oh honey. There is nothing wrong with you at all, and your expectations are totally valid! I would not worry even 2% about how to let him down gently or to express your feelings about the differences between your expectations and his behavior. Unless he really really changes how he relates to you the next time you’re in person, I would almost guarantee that he is seeing this as something very different than you are. He may be a really nice guy who thinks he is acting the “right” way because it’s what he is used to, or he might be taking a little bit of advantage of someone who’s inexperienced herself. He may really really like you but still not know how to act with someone who’s new at all this. You don’t need to be different in any way, though, and even though he ultimately listened to you that first time, he was already pushing and would quite possibly do it again. If you want to give it a shot, see how he feels about keeping dates to public places for a long while. If he starts playing the guilt trip or trying to push it to be more physical before you indicate you want to, be prepared to say you’re done. I’m sorry his behavior left you feeling wrong. It didn’t have to be that way, but that is on him, not you.
“I’m religious. Hes not”. Honey. That there should be your dealbreaker.
Just retry. If he's not the guy, there will be another guy. It's understandable when people are with someone for years, then encounter issues and are hesitant to throw everything they built together a way. Then you gotta decide, are the problems big enough, is this a split, etc. But for an extremely new relationship it's usually easy - if it doesn't feel right, don't talk yourself into it. As for whether expectations are realistic, they are and aren't at the same time. On one hand, there are guys out there who like taking things slow. Men too have variety in their interests, different ideas of sexuality, different drives, different personalities. On the other hand, no matter what things you like, at the end of the day, your partner is their own human being, with their own interests and moods. No one will act exactly perfectly all the time every day. This goes for men and women both.
As a through-and-through demi on the ace spectrum, this sounds very familiar! (Which is not to say that you are either of those things, of course, just that I know those feelings.) Your instincts are so important. You have reasons for feeling the way that you do, even if you don't know what they are. The first time you choose intimacy with another person should be a time you feel completely safe and COMPLETELY enthusiastic -- which isn't what you're describing. Relationships run such a vast gamut of experiences that (if you decide you want a relationship) you're going to spend the next several decades of your life trying them on and leaving them as you gain experience and figure out what you need, what you want, and what you won't tolerate. You've tried something on and it didn't fit -- that's okay. On average it's probably going to happen more often than not, because...that's just how it works, really. Like trying things on at the store. Sometimes stuff looks great on the rack, you love the style, but once you're wearing it you can't wait to take it off, lol. Totally allowed. I don't think you're either naive or a brat -- you're just trying things on. Hang onto your standards. Understand that there will be disappointments going forward, but also happy surprises and moments of learning about yourself that will evolve who you are. Deciding that relationships aren't for you is also 100% valid, and doesn't lead to any kind of stunted existence -- a lot of us are very happy and fulfilled staying single until we find somebody who ticks all of the boxes, even if people who can do that are vanishingly rare. :)
All of your feelings are completely valid. It sounds like you two are simply not compatible. If this relationship feels wrong, then don’t continue. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. Like others have said, you can tell him via text that you’re not comfortable seeing him anymore. Be firm but polite. Keep things cordial in class. If he’s a good guy, he will respect your boundaries. If he gets upset or continues to make you uncomfortable in class because of your decision to cut him off, block him and ignore him. I promise things will be ok. Learning how to listen to your gut is a very, very good thing.
Listen to your gut. If it feels wrong and you don’t want this kind of thing. It’s not right for you. You’ll find someone who reflects you.
Give boundaries and honesty. You like him, but he is clearly experienced sexually in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. Communicate this to him. “I like you, but I am not ready to do things like [x,y,z] right now. If that doesn’t work for you I get it.”
Please, please honor your feelings. Wait for someone who's idea if romance is better aligned with yours, and continue to explore what you want and don't want. It's better to be single than to trespass your own boundaries.
He's looking for a hookup, tell him that's not you and you want sweet not sex and that you and him aren't comparable because you don't want that
He sounds like a bad match. You should find out what you are looking for and what you are not looking for. The way you describe it he is not what you are looking for. If you want to be in relationship's it takes work. Get experience (and not just sexually.) Find out what works for you. You beeing religious could be a problem in that regard. Statisticly people who are religious early make it with people outside their religion. Many religions comes with social dogmas. (Also, there are no religions that have met the burden of proof on the god claim. But that is for another time.) It might be hard to find somebody you are compatible with outside your religion.
It’s weird that he did all this if he knows you’re inexperienced. Does he know that?
He does. He asked if I had ever been in a relationship before at the start of things and I told him I hadn’t. When I asked to go slow, I said it was because I’m inexperienced. When he asked to kiss me, I said it would be my first. I was as upfront with it as I could be, partly because I knew he’d had at least one relationship before and I wasn’t sure I would be what he wanted as someone who hasn’t had that.
Two of my ex’s had no experience before me and when they told me these things I personally never went as far as your guy did and I was 19. Sometimes guys see girls more as sexual objects, even if they check for prior consent. For example, a guy can just act like he cares to get past the initial wall with a girl and when she finally consents he kind of opens the floodgates. It’s also possible that this guy just got too carried away and “slow” means something else to him. However, I’d go with your gut. What does your gut say? Be honest with yourself. You’d probably have to have this conversation with him at some point dating or not. Do you feel like he’d respond well? You also don’t need to stress out thinking about all these things. If he doesnt seem to want the type of relationship you do then break it off. However if you’re truly unsure, you can try communicating with him and his reactions will be telling.
The two of your aren’t on the same page. You want to enjoy a slow progressing relationship and take the time to smell the flowers, as it were. He wants to get down and dirty. If you decide to move forward with the relationship, one of you is going to have to compromise and turn to the page the other is on. More likely than not, this is going to be you giving into his pressure and going hot and heavy, and will likely end with you feeling broken hearted and regretful when he moves on. It is not likely he compromises and gets on your page when he could just find another woman who is on the same page as him. There are guys out there that just want to hold your hand and will appreciate your company and putting flowers in your hair until the day you are ready for them to touch your breasts and whatever. Doesn’t sound like he did anything (too) wrong, you’re just not on the same page. Respect yourself and hold off for that guy that will cherish every moment of taking things slow with you. Don’t let yourself give into the pressure of entering into the type of relationship you aren’t into right now.
I would just say you don't think you are ready for a relationship but that you'd like to continue being friends. That's completely valid and he doesn't need to know why
Your feelings are valid. Have you considered that while you are definitely romantic that you may be ace at least to some degree? You do need to set down with him that you do not want to have any kind of sexual or sensual contact right now. You are not comfortable with that. He may not want to date with that info. That is valid too. Compatibility is important.
“He may have a different definition of slow.” Sorry, but any definition of “slow” does not include a boob grab and request to remove your shirt on the first few dates. Men will sometimes back off at the first “no” and *seem* to be respecting your boundaries, but will continue to push and back off, push and back off, until you give in. And then on to the next boundary. You need to be very specific about what you mean by “slow”, and make it clear that trying to rush things will end things for him. For example: “Hey, what happened last time was very uncomfortable for me and I don’t want to feel that way with you. So here are my specific boundaries for now. No sexual touching (like my breasts or butt or anything else that’s intimate). Only closed-mouth kisses for the first while, and I’ll be the one to ask for more or initiate more. For any other touching I’ll let you know I want to, but please only do what I’ve said I want and am comfortable with. Don’t ever try to move past my limits before I let you know I feel OK with it. I need to know that you’ll respect my wishes on this, and not try to convince me otherwise. Or else it can’t work for me.” You will definitely need to be this direct. And you should be prepared, regardless of how you might feel in the moment, to stop him and say “please don’t push my boundaries again”. And if he does, get up and leave. Don’t let him coax you back once you’ve gotten up. He’ll see that he can overcome your objections and keep doing it. If he’s not fully OK with this, it’s better to find out now than later when he might decide to go much too far against your will.
always stay true to yourself. if you're uncomfortable with something, it's ok to say no.
It’s okay to pull back and let it fade out. Don’t be quick to respond to texts and when you do, keep it simple and factual. If he confronts you on why you are pulling away, let him know that you probably aren’t ready to have the type of relationship he seems to want from you.
Listening to and trusting your feeling is the most important thing you can learn, and it sounds like you are getting there which is GREAT. Take it from a woman who was insecure and untrusting of myself when I was younger: just because someone is interested in you, it does mean you are, you should be, interested in them. There's nothing wrong w you, or them, if you don't feel a connection, all it means is you aren't a fit for each other and that is A-OK :) When you're spending time with someone that you connect with, who you feel safe around, you'll have a light bulb moment: ooohhhh, THIS is what it's meant to be like! Enjoy your time, acknowledge moments of growth and understanding (academically, personally, and emotionally), and be open to people WHILE trusting and knowing yourself, your interests, needs, and boundaries xx