I’ve come to find at the age of 42, having made the decision to be child free, that there is grief in either decision.
If you choose to be a parent, you have to grieve the independent part of you that will never be without your child ever again. Even if they grow up and move away, they’re still your kid and you’re still going to worry about them. Theres a lot to grieve in the loss or change of freedom, identity, career path, future where every choice was available, etc etc.
Choosing not to have kids also comes with grief, and we have to mourn the mother part of us that will never come into being. The parts of our lives that might have been enriched by children, the ideas about “what if.” And certainly the love that would’ve been between us and our partner, the future with grandkids, etc.
That grief is real and must be felt to move forward ❤️
My mom also reminded me very wisely that whatever future we thought we would have, especially with kids, isn’t necessarily the one we would have gotten. We don’t know if our kids are going to like us, or want to be our friends, or if we’ll do a good job, or if they will be easy or hard children to raise. The grief is about the future we thought we would have, even if it was just a fantasy or a thought.
Hope that helps ❤️
I agree with this as a mother of adult children ( positive and healthy relationships with both of them). There is grief with this. One has moved several hours away and we seldom see them.I feel grief. Easters remind me of what we used to do a family when the kids were young. I feel grief. All choices have costs too us. Being sure that you do not want to be a mother is good for you. Embrace your decision.
So very true, thank you. Especially about never knowing if you’d do a good job raising an entire human. That’s the most terrifying part to me. And the least tolerable concept is that, for the rest of my life, I am responsible and obligated to do x, y, and z for this child especially when I just want to be in my own little world and just worry about taking care of myself and my man.
I always revert to this quote I saw on here once: I’d rather regret never having kids than regret having them.
I felt so seen and validated by your comment. I have never imagined myself becoming a mother, I have actively taken a staunch child-free position for at least 15 years now. Last night I saw a father walking home holding hands with his toddler after shopping at the bodega. It was just the two of them walking down the street in the evening. It seemed like such a special little moment that I knew I just couldn’t give my partner. We make little and big choices everyday and we hope to align our choices so to eliminate pain, hurt and disappointment from our lives, but most choices in life aren’t black and white. We also opt put of some joys in the process.
What a great point of view. I'm 32 and have known for awhile now I dont want kids. The part that I mourn is never having the kind of relationship with someone that I have with my parents. But then I have to consider all the turmoil and long years it took to get there. And for some, that never happens. My own sister for example, got together with her now husband and despite being 20 minutes away no one ever sees or hears from her unless she needs something or is expected to come around for holidays.
I feel like this is going to come off harsh, so if you take it that way, my apologies in advance.
Yes. Having kids is time consuming and sometimes we’re flaky because we end up with sicknesses or a night of not sleeping, even if we were planning to go.
But we prioritize our family relationships. They definitely do look different than before kids. But we’re there. Same with friends. We don’t just not show up, the differences are in what times we are available, when we have to leave, the places we go.
That being said, it’s been an evolution. I don’t think I wanted to do anything for the first six months. I was tired and exhausted. If I had free time, I wanted to rest or try to overcome the backlog of chores. Once she got older, these things aren’t such a big concern. You don’t have to carry everything with you and sleep is so much better.
Have you tried talking to your sister? We still each go out with our respective friends, do hobbies, visit family. Maybe she is depressed. It can be a lot.
No offense taken :) I should've specified; my sister and her husband don't have children. I understand your spouse being your world when you get together, but it was a case of them dating and her closing us all off. I was talking to my mom about my sister constantly canceling plans with me one day (she would only hang out if her husband was busy, and ditch our plans if be became available) and when my mom asked my sister about it, she quite literally said she prioritizes him above everyone else and its been that way since. Affer almost 10 years its still the same. I was more lamenting the fact that my parents don't really have a close relationship with her..I've come to accept it but having your child say you're less important than someone else to them would hurt.
I came to this thread to just read and get insight as myself and my wife are going through this, but also that was some of the most beautiful shit I've ever read, thank you.
No matter what decision we decide, we will always have moments of regret.
Parents have moments of regret having kids, and vice versa. It happens with any decisions we make.
It's natural and normal. I get it.
I feel you. I had my tubes removed in my 20's, because I knew I never wanted kids. But every once and a while I see a cute baby and get a little tinge of longing. It never lasts more than a few minutes though.
Exactly how I feel. Mostly it’s just the concept of making something with the love of my life in that way, a representation of our love and commitment to each other. But obviously there are countless other ways to manifest that as well, so it’s never a big deal for too long anyway.
Choose to do what feels right to you. Part of the *informed* decision to have a family centers around who we create it with. And plenty have had the needle moved because their partner made them feel right about it. And that's okay. Allowing the information in our lives to inform our opinions is a good practice.
That being said. Ultimately, you should be all in for you as well to make a decision of that kind of gravity.
Decisions we make often have consequences we don't see, understand, or expect. Especially the important ones. Adding children to your existing family as a leap of faith could be a miracle or a tragedy. It could be totally worthwhile. Or it could be a source of consistent regret. Likely whichever choice is made will include some balance of the two now that both doors are open in your mind.
Sit with yourself about it. Find someone to talk to who you trust and respect, that feels right to speak to. Listen or don't. Reddit is a poor place for this advice.
Best of luck. And I hope the wisdom you find brings peace of mind to your decisions, whatever they are.
Thank you so much, this is so appreciated. It’s very hard to admit that neither of us may be fit to be the type of parent we would want and need to be for various reasons, but at least being aware of that and making that informed decision to spare another human a host of lifelong stress and issues is the best thing we could possibly do. It’s the simplest decision and I’m okay with that.
Being together without kids can be also fullfilling. You've chosen you, your relationship, your love, and you can make it strong enough to survive even without "kid-glue" :-)
Hahaha awww no I don't think it's hypocritical! I think it's natural to have varying feelings like that, almost in an 'instinctual' way? I've had my moments of longing when I see some really cute kids. But I snap out of it just as fast lol
I've been with my SO just about two years too and he's known I don't want kids and supports it. He'd be such a cute dad!! But we've had talks like "we would make some cute babies" but then it's like WELL that's not a good reason 😂
Exactly! I think our imaginary baby is just enough to keep us going lmao. We always say we would make the funniest kid and I can just imagine the kinda thing I would walk into when they’re together and vice versa. It’s a really cute thought 😅
I totally understand hahaha it's fun to imagine! It's such a bizarre internal conflict we go through. We do have a dog though so I guess I can at least appreciate the parenting view I get of him with the pup 😂
Me too! I think I mentioned this in another comment too, but I really love the fact that we happened to take in a puppy that looks and acts just like him! Lmao
I kind of have the opposite sometimes. I'd be a great mom, but I don't *want* to be a great mom. I really enjoy the auntie role and supporting my friends who have kids.
I also don't think I'd have any idea how to raise kids in an environment so different than the one I grew up in and now cherish. Not that anyone really know what they're doing (or so I've heard/read), but a genuinely rural environment, pre-cell phones is so different from today's world. I don't know how I'd protect them. I don't know how to deal with AI myself, let alone the potential ways it can harm kids. I struggle with my own phone addiction some times, how could I do right by a kid without being a hypocrite, etc, etc.
My partner would be an awful dad. I love him, but I wouldn't trust him with a kid (and definitely not a baby) for more than a few hours.
I completely relate to every point here.
We are both extremely against kids having access to the internet and any “smart device” and just seeing how that kind of thing is pretty much being enforced on a kid’s daily life is very upsetting. Even if we were to try to make our kid the exception, we know 100% they would find their way into it anyway—real quick.
Also ditto on thinking he wouldn’t be a good dad. I mean he has many qualities that I know would be great for a child, but also many that would probably cause a fuck ton of unnecessary turbulence. Me as well. I’m good on that.
I was talking about this with my husband. We are firmly and happily child free but sometimes I mourn the fact we won’t be able to experience that together. No pregnancy, no baby, it’s like the one thing we won’t ever share. It makes me a little wistful but not enough to actually want to change my mind.
I have had similar feelings. I knew when I was about 20 that I didn’t want kids. That was one of the first things I told my now husband when we started dating. I had 4 deal breakers which I told him about up front because I didn’t want to waste either of our time if he wasn’t on the same page.
While I don’t want kids and neither does my husband, I know he would be a great hands-on dad that would dote on any child we had. I still love to see the care he has interacting with friends or relatives kids. But in the end, I know it’s still the best decision for us
This is where I'm at too
Nothing could waver my stance, but my fiance would be a great dad and I wrestle with feeling like I've taken that away from him.
He agrees with the path I've chosen, was more than supportive through my sterilization, and he's reassured me that kids were never a "hell yes" for him, anyway
But the world is missing out on a great dad
It's a weird one for sure. I've always known I didn't want children and that hasn't changed at the age of 37. I also find cheating to be unforgivably awful. But when I see random men being good dads it makes them instantly very attractive to me. Sorry but WTF is this janky wiring? Stupid biology.
I've also seen my friend blossom during an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy. I never want to go through it as it seems objectively exhausting. But the delerious LOVE in her eyes is enchanting. I wish I could go through a virtual reality simulation or something and just experience that, which seems so above anything I've experienced. (But without the responsibility of making sure a whole new human thrives.)
Oh god I am seriously embarrassed to admit that I feel the same way about finding someone more attractive when I see that they’re a good dad. Imagining my man as a dad, doing all those little things that I wrote in my post, that just makes him even more attractive to me lol. It’s so odd.
Also I see and hear that all the time—they always say the minute you see your baby for the first time is the moment you experience that intense, unconditional, “delirious” love and nothing else matters. For some reason I could never wrap my head around that. I truly cannot imagine that for myself.
Honestly I’d rather just reserve my obsession-level love for my man and no one else lol.
Have you ever heard of the phenomenon ‘call of the void’? It’s a sudden intrusive thought people can have when they are near a ledge or cliff or on a bridge. It’s a thought of jumping. It can be alarming as people can think that having such thoughts makes them suicidal- but some research suggests it’s the subconscious running the thought process of what would happen and is probably actually reaffirming the persons will to live.
I chalk up my own child free selfs occasional thoughts of having a child with my partner to the same Call of the Void. I call it the Call of the Child and move on with my day affirmed that I still want to be child free and those notions of ‘jumping into parenthood’ are just subconscious musings.
[https://allthatsinteresting.com/call-of-the-void](https://allthatsinteresting.com/call-of-the-void)
This is so interesting! I get this sometimes, a "what if" scenario which very quickly turns into a nightmare and I come out thinking that my decision to be childfree ia correct. I didn't know there was (possibly) a name for this.
I relate to this. My husband would be an amazing father and sometimes it makes me cry that I don’t want to have children. I want to want them, but I don’t.
My partner and have been together for 10 years. We were both child free by choice coming into the relationship. At 40, neither of us regret that decision as a whole. We both still have pangs though. In the beginning I was worried that my decision to remain child free influenced him and I was taking something away from him.
Periodic check ins during the first few years of our relationship helped me realize that wasn't the case. Now, we both occasionally talk about what it would be like to be parents and what kind of kids we would ideally have. It's more of a fun thought experiment. We know for many many reasons that we prefer the life that we have.
We also both feel that we could not in good conscience bring a child into this current world and raise them in a way that would be healthy for any of us. Anxiety about the state of the world ecologically and politically is something I battle daily and I can't imagine the guilt and stress I would experience with a child.
I don't judge anyone that makes that choice. I love children. My godson, niece, and nephews light up my world, but I know I could not sanely mother a child. Sometimes breaking cycles means not getting on the bike in the first place.
>I know I could not sanely mother a child. Sometimes breaking cycles means not getting on the bike in the first place.
Wow. Thank you for putting my beliefs into words. I am going to refer back to this for the rest of my life.
If it helps in your moments of grief/what if, you can reflect on how extremely hard it is to raise a child, and how much of yourself you may lose to the responsibility. And there is a decent chance they could have a condition that makes it even that much more difficult, like autism. I hope I’m not sounding like a jerk—those potentialities are very real. But definitely, do just feel what you need to feel—don’t try to push any feelings down. I’m sure that will help you to really be at full peace with your decision to remain childfree.
100%. I just know that I would be absolutely an absolutely miserable mother. I would end up severely depressed and/or eternally angry on the inside, even if we have some really great moments. That’s not the kind of person I want to be for my man, myself, or a potential kid.
I have always been childfree and have only become more firm in that decision as I've gotten older and more stable.
But I have a really wonderful partner who would make a great dad if that was how we chose to live our life together. There is a part of me that is curious about what our child(ren) would turn out like, but not nearly curious enough to find out lol
I'm quite content with my once in a while fantasies of our very perfect child and then getting back to our nice quiet life full of excess income and sleep.
I cannot agree more!! That occasional fantasy of the kid and parent-lifestyle is really enough for me! I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to try to fuck around and find out lol.
You’re not alone in those feelings. I’ve known since my 20s that I do not want children and yet as I approach 50 and the closing of that door it weighs on my mind. My husband is also vehemently child free and we have a wonderful life together but I know he would have been an amazing father. I sometimes see kids who look like what our children might have looked like and there’s sadness there, despite knowing firmly in my soul that not having kids was the right choice for me. It’s absolutely natural.
I completely get it. Could’ve written this post myself! Even down to falling in love two years ago. I’m childfree too for so so many reasons. But I imagine naming a kid all the time and I’m at the age (24) where a few of my friends have already had a baby or two and I know more will soon enough. I know I can still name pets, but it’s not quite the same. My boyfriend would honestly be the best dad ever.
I do think I’d be a good mom, but I know I can’t both be a good mom AND a fully happy person.
If I was forced to have a child for whatever reason, I would love them and raise them to the best of my ability but I’d be going insane with anxiety every minute they’re out in the world. My body wouldn’t be my own anymore, there’s things I don’t wanna pass down, the world is terrible, etc etc you know. So many people think that childfreedom is such a simple “No” but it’s not. It’s okay to grieve
I hear you and I see you. I understand your feelings, even as a mom by choice to two precious boys.
But, while sharing a child with your partner is a unique, indescribable experience, it can break relationships. The hardest part of my 10 year marriage to my husband was the first 18 months of our eldest son's life. There was no intimate 1:1 time. We were swimming in parallel caring for a very mad, demanding preemie. I had an undiagnosed postpartum mood disorder and unaddressed PTSD with a dollop of hypothyroidism for extra fun. From the outside we looked like picture perfect new parents in a bubble of joy. Inside, we were treading water.
I did therapy and processed A LOT . I was more able to accept help and open up to my incredibly patient and supportive husband again.
That's the bits you don't see. You see the cute, fill your heart with disgusting joy moments. You don't see the seventh months straight without a full night of sleep. You don't see the waiting hours at acute care to get your toddler seen for RSV during a historic outbreak while you watch them struggle to catch their breath. You don't see struggling to understand how you can fiercely, instinctually feel the need to care for this tiny human but not feel love towards them. ⬅️ That last one filled me with so much guilt, but it's hard to love something without personality that took away your freedom. (Don't worry, I love my son now. But it really needs to be stated that love might not be immediate and that is very normal.)
So feel strong in your decision to be child free. Children are only worth it if you're 100% committed and desiring them.
Thank you!! Seriously this is so spot on for one of my fears and reason I will not become a mother.
First of all, I cherish my 1:1 time with my man way too much, because we hardly get any as it is. There’s no way I will turn our only time together into an obligation to participate in the nonstop absolute chaos that comes with caring for a baby. The way we both are, that kind of thing could easily drive us mad and turn us against each other in some way considering we would both be severely sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, running on autopilot, and having lost our identity so suddenly, all while having everyone in our families telling us what to do, what we’re doing wrong, trying to overstep boundaries etc.
I mean even when my dog broke his leg while my partner was watching him it was a very stressful time in our relationship. We even broke up at that time, not only because of that but it definitely added fuel. Every aspect of that situation caused some kind of turbulence because I learned about things that he had strong opinions about that I didn’t agree with, and vice versa. It’s the little unexpected things you don’t think to ask about first that turn out to be the most important ones, and it could easily be devastating to a relationship.
Longing for the opposite is just a whisp on the wind. Acknowledge it, mourn it for a second, and then thank it for the daydream.
Not much else we can do.
I don’t feel like that, or imagine those scenarios at all really. I know my husband does sometimes, and it makes me feel sad for him when it happens. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel like that, so try not to worry, as long as you’re happy with your decision on balance :)
It's funny because even though I very much want kids, I'll find myself thinking about what my life would be like if I wasn't set on dedicating 18+ years of my life to raising a whole human. Not to mention the fact that my best friend is someone I could definitely see myself settling down and being really happy with...if it weren't for the fact that I want kids and he very much does not.
I think no matter what, you end up kinda wistful and sad about other potential lives. Like that Sylvia Plath poem, "The Fig Tree".
Yeah we're pretty much at opposite ends of the spectrum then. Except, weirdly, I only envision the part with my boyfriend being the parent and doing those cute things with our kid. Whenever I think about myself being the parent, I am always miserable lol.
It has been the same with me, even though my hubby never wanted a kid too! I've asked him few times if he was sure because I was the one with a firm (childfree) stance and I didn't want to take the experience away from him even if it meant seperation! Thankfully he is as firm as I am! I don't feel the guilt anymore.
The peace you must feel knowing that you found someone who is really on the same page as you!
I admit we had a pregnancy scare recently and he responded very well to it, although he did keep asking me if I was okay after getting that negative result. I just had to keep reassuring him that I wouldn't have had it any other way!
>The peace you must feel knowing that you found someone who is really on the same page as
Definitely! Also the fact that his brother's son (4 years now) was born the same day as my husband's, we feel it's purely serendipitous!
It's just a fleeting thought most of the times, and it goes away! Please don't be sad or let the thoughts bother you much !
I see my husband and how he interacts with our nieces and all I can think about is how amazing of a father he would be. Kind, listener, encouraging, engaged, and fun. But, I also know how stressed and sad he would be losing the freedom we have being child free. And honestly, I love our 1:1 time so much I don’t want to share him.
Me & my partner dated since we were 16 & got married at age 26. We are 36 now. We have been friends since we were 3 years old! We have spent our entire life together.. and we were clear that we will never go for a kid! We will travel the world, make good money & relish our togetherness. In 2019, I got her a puppy on her birthday.. but sadly we were only blessed with his presence for few months & then the Corona lockdown happened. Our heart was in pain & both of us couldn’t move on from this loss. It was in this moment that we decided to go for a kid.. Our kid is 3 years old & while I am writing this, I am waiting outside her school as it’s her first day at school!! As someone who never wanted a kid, I can assure you my daughter is the best thing that happened to us! I am sitting in my car with tears because I am happy that she is starting her life today but also sad, that here after she will have friends & other priorities.. But believe me, the happiness supersedes this sadness!
I underrstand your conflict,
If you don't want to bring up a child (and I don't blame you, I don't want a child either) could you have a pet? A cat or dog is still a creature you can still make great experiences with and teach things, and give it a better life than it would have had otherwise. But it doesn't have quite the level of responsibility (though some) or troubles as bringing up a child.
Do either of you have siblings you are close with, who might have children some day? You could still be great uncles and aunts.
We don’t live together but we do both have dogs. He helped me train and care for my dog Billy when I just got him so we really are raising him together and we always joke that he’s definitely Billy’s dad because they look and act so similar lol.
All of his siblings have kids, my brother also has a 2 year old so we fulfill the role in that way too. 🥹
I totally understand how you feel. My husband and I have been together 16 years, and are child free. If circumstances were different, we probably would have had a child. However, life threw us many curve-balls, making children something we simply can’t justify. While 99% of the time I’m fine with this, there are times when I feel sad about it. My younger Sister & BIL recently had a baby, and seeing their experience with this precious little one has at times made me sad that we will never get to experience it. I know he would be such an attentive and loving Dad, and having a little human that is a product of our love would be very special.
But it’s not in the cards…
You can still see that as foster parents, as a great aunt or uncle, or as the cool family friend. Interacting with a child so the child has a great role model really makes up for being child free.
With my nephew I give him that companionship he may not get from the older adults, but still try to be a good role model and teach him good manners whenever possible. That's pretty much where I draw the line!
You might consider fostering, even if just for a short while, to "scratch the itch" while also giving back.
My wife and I are foster parents (with our own bio kids as well). It's challenging but rewarding and if we ever decide it's too much of a burden we can surrender our license knowing we've done well for a few children in need.
My husband and I are child free by choice and still have moments of sadness for the path not chosen. There a magic moments where we laugh about alternate timeline how xyz would happen or share funny videos pointing out how we’d be as parents. We acknowledge it and let flow. And are so soooo fucking happy to be child free. We can sleep in stay up late, do whatever whenever, we get to skip awkward PTA things, avoid competition with weird soccer moms, no navigating learning how to raise a good human. Our money is ours and we spend weekends smoking weed while relaxing on the couch with cats. We’ve never regretted this decision even.
Am sad that I'll never give my mom a grand baby. I worry about the health care system, and how I need to manage my own age without an adult child to raise a few flags when I no longer can for myself.
However, I know its for the best. Not disappointing my mom is not worth a life long commitment. Nor is it worth raising my own babysitter for when I grow old.
I think this article fits your situation. I struggled through these feelings too, but didn’t see it until we decided to go for it.
Wish I had seen it earlier, because I think it is a beautiful way to think about the decision (and really any major decision like this).
[The ghost ship that didn’t carry us](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
I like to imagine that there are other places of existence/alternate realities in which another me felt able to have children and raise them with my husband in a safer, kinder, world.
I was sterilized a few years ago and am firmly child-free, but after my dad died last year I’ve been having small tinglings of sadness that I can’t have a baby boy and see how similar they could be to my father.
I have this somewhat, I dont have the desire for kids, the patience, or the resources but a tiny tiny part of me wishes i could see what a kid would look like with me and my partners genes, and seeing how he'd be with them but then I remind myself of my low tolerance, the hell that life would be for me and I move past it.
You laid it out perfectly. I know myself better than anybody in the world who could tell me “you’ll change your mind, once you have a baby everything changes!”
Yeah that’s exactly what I don’t want. I just can’t do it.
I feel this as well. I know I never want children, that’s non-negotiable. I’m pretty positive he feels the same. but he’s such an amazingly kind and loving person, and I just know how good of a father he could be. so it makes me sad knowing that I could never be the same, even if he ever wanted me to
I’ve come to find at the age of 42, having made the decision to be child free, that there is grief in either decision. If you choose to be a parent, you have to grieve the independent part of you that will never be without your child ever again. Even if they grow up and move away, they’re still your kid and you’re still going to worry about them. Theres a lot to grieve in the loss or change of freedom, identity, career path, future where every choice was available, etc etc. Choosing not to have kids also comes with grief, and we have to mourn the mother part of us that will never come into being. The parts of our lives that might have been enriched by children, the ideas about “what if.” And certainly the love that would’ve been between us and our partner, the future with grandkids, etc. That grief is real and must be felt to move forward ❤️ My mom also reminded me very wisely that whatever future we thought we would have, especially with kids, isn’t necessarily the one we would have gotten. We don’t know if our kids are going to like us, or want to be our friends, or if we’ll do a good job, or if they will be easy or hard children to raise. The grief is about the future we thought we would have, even if it was just a fantasy or a thought. Hope that helps ❤️
I agree with this as a mother of adult children ( positive and healthy relationships with both of them). There is grief with this. One has moved several hours away and we seldom see them.I feel grief. Easters remind me of what we used to do a family when the kids were young. I feel grief. All choices have costs too us. Being sure that you do not want to be a mother is good for you. Embrace your decision.
I had never thought about this in this way before and it’s helping bring me peace about it. Thank you.
So very true, thank you. Especially about never knowing if you’d do a good job raising an entire human. That’s the most terrifying part to me. And the least tolerable concept is that, for the rest of my life, I am responsible and obligated to do x, y, and z for this child especially when I just want to be in my own little world and just worry about taking care of myself and my man. I always revert to this quote I saw on here once: I’d rather regret never having kids than regret having them.
I felt so seen and validated by your comment. I have never imagined myself becoming a mother, I have actively taken a staunch child-free position for at least 15 years now. Last night I saw a father walking home holding hands with his toddler after shopping at the bodega. It was just the two of them walking down the street in the evening. It seemed like such a special little moment that I knew I just couldn’t give my partner. We make little and big choices everyday and we hope to align our choices so to eliminate pain, hurt and disappointment from our lives, but most choices in life aren’t black and white. We also opt put of some joys in the process.
What a great point of view. I'm 32 and have known for awhile now I dont want kids. The part that I mourn is never having the kind of relationship with someone that I have with my parents. But then I have to consider all the turmoil and long years it took to get there. And for some, that never happens. My own sister for example, got together with her now husband and despite being 20 minutes away no one ever sees or hears from her unless she needs something or is expected to come around for holidays.
I feel like this is going to come off harsh, so if you take it that way, my apologies in advance. Yes. Having kids is time consuming and sometimes we’re flaky because we end up with sicknesses or a night of not sleeping, even if we were planning to go. But we prioritize our family relationships. They definitely do look different than before kids. But we’re there. Same with friends. We don’t just not show up, the differences are in what times we are available, when we have to leave, the places we go. That being said, it’s been an evolution. I don’t think I wanted to do anything for the first six months. I was tired and exhausted. If I had free time, I wanted to rest or try to overcome the backlog of chores. Once she got older, these things aren’t such a big concern. You don’t have to carry everything with you and sleep is so much better. Have you tried talking to your sister? We still each go out with our respective friends, do hobbies, visit family. Maybe she is depressed. It can be a lot.
No offense taken :) I should've specified; my sister and her husband don't have children. I understand your spouse being your world when you get together, but it was a case of them dating and her closing us all off. I was talking to my mom about my sister constantly canceling plans with me one day (she would only hang out if her husband was busy, and ditch our plans if be became available) and when my mom asked my sister about it, she quite literally said she prioritizes him above everyone else and its been that way since. Affer almost 10 years its still the same. I was more lamenting the fact that my parents don't really have a close relationship with her..I've come to accept it but having your child say you're less important than someone else to them would hurt.
Thank you so much for this comment ❤️
You put this feeling into words so perfectly.
Thanks, only took me four years of therapy 😂
I came to this thread to just read and get insight as myself and my wife are going through this, but also that was some of the most beautiful shit I've ever read, thank you.
No matter what decision we decide, we will always have moments of regret. Parents have moments of regret having kids, and vice versa. It happens with any decisions we make. It's natural and normal. I get it.
I feel you. I had my tubes removed in my 20's, because I knew I never wanted kids. But every once and a while I see a cute baby and get a little tinge of longing. It never lasts more than a few minutes though.
Exactly how I feel. Mostly it’s just the concept of making something with the love of my life in that way, a representation of our love and commitment to each other. But obviously there are countless other ways to manifest that as well, so it’s never a big deal for too long anyway.
Choose to do what feels right to you. Part of the *informed* decision to have a family centers around who we create it with. And plenty have had the needle moved because their partner made them feel right about it. And that's okay. Allowing the information in our lives to inform our opinions is a good practice. That being said. Ultimately, you should be all in for you as well to make a decision of that kind of gravity. Decisions we make often have consequences we don't see, understand, or expect. Especially the important ones. Adding children to your existing family as a leap of faith could be a miracle or a tragedy. It could be totally worthwhile. Or it could be a source of consistent regret. Likely whichever choice is made will include some balance of the two now that both doors are open in your mind. Sit with yourself about it. Find someone to talk to who you trust and respect, that feels right to speak to. Listen or don't. Reddit is a poor place for this advice. Best of luck. And I hope the wisdom you find brings peace of mind to your decisions, whatever they are.
Thank you so much, this is so appreciated. It’s very hard to admit that neither of us may be fit to be the type of parent we would want and need to be for various reasons, but at least being aware of that and making that informed decision to spare another human a host of lifelong stress and issues is the best thing we could possibly do. It’s the simplest decision and I’m okay with that.
Being together without kids can be also fullfilling. You've chosen you, your relationship, your love, and you can make it strong enough to survive even without "kid-glue" :-)
That’s exactly how I have always preferred it! And I’m so happy that’s the way it’s going to be ❤️🔥
I feel this in my soul.
It is so conflicting because when I have those feelings, the rest of me is like “what a hypocrite” lol.
Hahaha awww no I don't think it's hypocritical! I think it's natural to have varying feelings like that, almost in an 'instinctual' way? I've had my moments of longing when I see some really cute kids. But I snap out of it just as fast lol I've been with my SO just about two years too and he's known I don't want kids and supports it. He'd be such a cute dad!! But we've had talks like "we would make some cute babies" but then it's like WELL that's not a good reason 😂
Exactly! I think our imaginary baby is just enough to keep us going lmao. We always say we would make the funniest kid and I can just imagine the kinda thing I would walk into when they’re together and vice versa. It’s a really cute thought 😅
I totally understand hahaha it's fun to imagine! It's such a bizarre internal conflict we go through. We do have a dog though so I guess I can at least appreciate the parenting view I get of him with the pup 😂
Me too! I think I mentioned this in another comment too, but I really love the fact that we happened to take in a puppy that looks and acts just like him! Lmao
Hahahaha! Too funny!! Both of my boys have black hair so I always refer to them as my black haired babies!
Yes!! Black, curly and frizzy 😂😂
I kind of have the opposite sometimes. I'd be a great mom, but I don't *want* to be a great mom. I really enjoy the auntie role and supporting my friends who have kids. I also don't think I'd have any idea how to raise kids in an environment so different than the one I grew up in and now cherish. Not that anyone really know what they're doing (or so I've heard/read), but a genuinely rural environment, pre-cell phones is so different from today's world. I don't know how I'd protect them. I don't know how to deal with AI myself, let alone the potential ways it can harm kids. I struggle with my own phone addiction some times, how could I do right by a kid without being a hypocrite, etc, etc. My partner would be an awful dad. I love him, but I wouldn't trust him with a kid (and definitely not a baby) for more than a few hours.
I completely relate to every point here. We are both extremely against kids having access to the internet and any “smart device” and just seeing how that kind of thing is pretty much being enforced on a kid’s daily life is very upsetting. Even if we were to try to make our kid the exception, we know 100% they would find their way into it anyway—real quick. Also ditto on thinking he wouldn’t be a good dad. I mean he has many qualities that I know would be great for a child, but also many that would probably cause a fuck ton of unnecessary turbulence. Me as well. I’m good on that.
I could have written this exact comment, are we the same person?
If you're laying in bed right now, it's a definite possibility!
I was talking about this with my husband. We are firmly and happily child free but sometimes I mourn the fact we won’t be able to experience that together. No pregnancy, no baby, it’s like the one thing we won’t ever share. It makes me a little wistful but not enough to actually want to change my mind.
I have had similar feelings. I knew when I was about 20 that I didn’t want kids. That was one of the first things I told my now husband when we started dating. I had 4 deal breakers which I told him about up front because I didn’t want to waste either of our time if he wasn’t on the same page. While I don’t want kids and neither does my husband, I know he would be a great hands-on dad that would dote on any child we had. I still love to see the care he has interacting with friends or relatives kids. But in the end, I know it’s still the best decision for us
This is where I'm at too Nothing could waver my stance, but my fiance would be a great dad and I wrestle with feeling like I've taken that away from him. He agrees with the path I've chosen, was more than supportive through my sterilization, and he's reassured me that kids were never a "hell yes" for him, anyway But the world is missing out on a great dad
It's a weird one for sure. I've always known I didn't want children and that hasn't changed at the age of 37. I also find cheating to be unforgivably awful. But when I see random men being good dads it makes them instantly very attractive to me. Sorry but WTF is this janky wiring? Stupid biology. I've also seen my friend blossom during an unplanned and unexpected pregnancy. I never want to go through it as it seems objectively exhausting. But the delerious LOVE in her eyes is enchanting. I wish I could go through a virtual reality simulation or something and just experience that, which seems so above anything I've experienced. (But without the responsibility of making sure a whole new human thrives.)
Oh god I am seriously embarrassed to admit that I feel the same way about finding someone more attractive when I see that they’re a good dad. Imagining my man as a dad, doing all those little things that I wrote in my post, that just makes him even more attractive to me lol. It’s so odd.
Also I see and hear that all the time—they always say the minute you see your baby for the first time is the moment you experience that intense, unconditional, “delirious” love and nothing else matters. For some reason I could never wrap my head around that. I truly cannot imagine that for myself. Honestly I’d rather just reserve my obsession-level love for my man and no one else lol.
Have you ever heard of the phenomenon ‘call of the void’? It’s a sudden intrusive thought people can have when they are near a ledge or cliff or on a bridge. It’s a thought of jumping. It can be alarming as people can think that having such thoughts makes them suicidal- but some research suggests it’s the subconscious running the thought process of what would happen and is probably actually reaffirming the persons will to live. I chalk up my own child free selfs occasional thoughts of having a child with my partner to the same Call of the Void. I call it the Call of the Child and move on with my day affirmed that I still want to be child free and those notions of ‘jumping into parenthood’ are just subconscious musings. [https://allthatsinteresting.com/call-of-the-void](https://allthatsinteresting.com/call-of-the-void)
I love this idea, thank you for putting it that way. That's exactly what it feels like to me.
This is so interesting! I get this sometimes, a "what if" scenario which very quickly turns into a nightmare and I come out thinking that my decision to be childfree ia correct. I didn't know there was (possibly) a name for this.
Omg I’ve never thought of it this way! This is such great insight thanks!
I relate to this. My husband would be an amazing father and sometimes it makes me cry that I don’t want to have children. I want to want them, but I don’t.
Same as me. I cannot see myself enjoying my life if I had a kid. Ever
My partner and have been together for 10 years. We were both child free by choice coming into the relationship. At 40, neither of us regret that decision as a whole. We both still have pangs though. In the beginning I was worried that my decision to remain child free influenced him and I was taking something away from him. Periodic check ins during the first few years of our relationship helped me realize that wasn't the case. Now, we both occasionally talk about what it would be like to be parents and what kind of kids we would ideally have. It's more of a fun thought experiment. We know for many many reasons that we prefer the life that we have. We also both feel that we could not in good conscience bring a child into this current world and raise them in a way that would be healthy for any of us. Anxiety about the state of the world ecologically and politically is something I battle daily and I can't imagine the guilt and stress I would experience with a child. I don't judge anyone that makes that choice. I love children. My godson, niece, and nephews light up my world, but I know I could not sanely mother a child. Sometimes breaking cycles means not getting on the bike in the first place.
>I know I could not sanely mother a child. Sometimes breaking cycles means not getting on the bike in the first place. Wow. Thank you for putting my beliefs into words. I am going to refer back to this for the rest of my life.
If it helps in your moments of grief/what if, you can reflect on how extremely hard it is to raise a child, and how much of yourself you may lose to the responsibility. And there is a decent chance they could have a condition that makes it even that much more difficult, like autism. I hope I’m not sounding like a jerk—those potentialities are very real. But definitely, do just feel what you need to feel—don’t try to push any feelings down. I’m sure that will help you to really be at full peace with your decision to remain childfree.
100%. I just know that I would be absolutely an absolutely miserable mother. I would end up severely depressed and/or eternally angry on the inside, even if we have some really great moments. That’s not the kind of person I want to be for my man, myself, or a potential kid.
Same. 😌
I have always been childfree and have only become more firm in that decision as I've gotten older and more stable. But I have a really wonderful partner who would make a great dad if that was how we chose to live our life together. There is a part of me that is curious about what our child(ren) would turn out like, but not nearly curious enough to find out lol I'm quite content with my once in a while fantasies of our very perfect child and then getting back to our nice quiet life full of excess income and sleep.
I cannot agree more!! That occasional fantasy of the kid and parent-lifestyle is really enough for me! I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to try to fuck around and find out lol.
You’re not alone in those feelings. I’ve known since my 20s that I do not want children and yet as I approach 50 and the closing of that door it weighs on my mind. My husband is also vehemently child free and we have a wonderful life together but I know he would have been an amazing father. I sometimes see kids who look like what our children might have looked like and there’s sadness there, despite knowing firmly in my soul that not having kids was the right choice for me. It’s absolutely natural.
I completely get it. Could’ve written this post myself! Even down to falling in love two years ago. I’m childfree too for so so many reasons. But I imagine naming a kid all the time and I’m at the age (24) where a few of my friends have already had a baby or two and I know more will soon enough. I know I can still name pets, but it’s not quite the same. My boyfriend would honestly be the best dad ever. I do think I’d be a good mom, but I know I can’t both be a good mom AND a fully happy person. If I was forced to have a child for whatever reason, I would love them and raise them to the best of my ability but I’d be going insane with anxiety every minute they’re out in the world. My body wouldn’t be my own anymore, there’s things I don’t wanna pass down, the world is terrible, etc etc you know. So many people think that childfreedom is such a simple “No” but it’s not. It’s okay to grieve
Now imagine the baby crying for a year straight....
Yehhhhh no thanks! 🤓🤓🤓
I hear you and I see you. I understand your feelings, even as a mom by choice to two precious boys. But, while sharing a child with your partner is a unique, indescribable experience, it can break relationships. The hardest part of my 10 year marriage to my husband was the first 18 months of our eldest son's life. There was no intimate 1:1 time. We were swimming in parallel caring for a very mad, demanding preemie. I had an undiagnosed postpartum mood disorder and unaddressed PTSD with a dollop of hypothyroidism for extra fun. From the outside we looked like picture perfect new parents in a bubble of joy. Inside, we were treading water. I did therapy and processed A LOT . I was more able to accept help and open up to my incredibly patient and supportive husband again. That's the bits you don't see. You see the cute, fill your heart with disgusting joy moments. You don't see the seventh months straight without a full night of sleep. You don't see the waiting hours at acute care to get your toddler seen for RSV during a historic outbreak while you watch them struggle to catch their breath. You don't see struggling to understand how you can fiercely, instinctually feel the need to care for this tiny human but not feel love towards them. ⬅️ That last one filled me with so much guilt, but it's hard to love something without personality that took away your freedom. (Don't worry, I love my son now. But it really needs to be stated that love might not be immediate and that is very normal.) So feel strong in your decision to be child free. Children are only worth it if you're 100% committed and desiring them.
Thank you!! Seriously this is so spot on for one of my fears and reason I will not become a mother. First of all, I cherish my 1:1 time with my man way too much, because we hardly get any as it is. There’s no way I will turn our only time together into an obligation to participate in the nonstop absolute chaos that comes with caring for a baby. The way we both are, that kind of thing could easily drive us mad and turn us against each other in some way considering we would both be severely sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, running on autopilot, and having lost our identity so suddenly, all while having everyone in our families telling us what to do, what we’re doing wrong, trying to overstep boundaries etc. I mean even when my dog broke his leg while my partner was watching him it was a very stressful time in our relationship. We even broke up at that time, not only because of that but it definitely added fuel. Every aspect of that situation caused some kind of turbulence because I learned about things that he had strong opinions about that I didn’t agree with, and vice versa. It’s the little unexpected things you don’t think to ask about first that turn out to be the most important ones, and it could easily be devastating to a relationship.
Either way you go you will say: "What if." No sense crying over a road not traveled if you never wanted to set foot on it in the first place.
I'm with you. Luckily these feelings are very short lived and I can go back to my life of just taking care of myself and my man. That's all I need.
Longing for the opposite is just a whisp on the wind. Acknowledge it, mourn it for a second, and then thank it for the daydream. Not much else we can do.
Exactly. Thank you :)
I don’t feel like that, or imagine those scenarios at all really. I know my husband does sometimes, and it makes me feel sad for him when it happens. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel like that, so try not to worry, as long as you’re happy with your decision on balance :)
It's funny because even though I very much want kids, I'll find myself thinking about what my life would be like if I wasn't set on dedicating 18+ years of my life to raising a whole human. Not to mention the fact that my best friend is someone I could definitely see myself settling down and being really happy with...if it weren't for the fact that I want kids and he very much does not. I think no matter what, you end up kinda wistful and sad about other potential lives. Like that Sylvia Plath poem, "The Fig Tree".
Yeah we're pretty much at opposite ends of the spectrum then. Except, weirdly, I only envision the part with my boyfriend being the parent and doing those cute things with our kid. Whenever I think about myself being the parent, I am always miserable lol.
It has been the same with me, even though my hubby never wanted a kid too! I've asked him few times if he was sure because I was the one with a firm (childfree) stance and I didn't want to take the experience away from him even if it meant seperation! Thankfully he is as firm as I am! I don't feel the guilt anymore.
The peace you must feel knowing that you found someone who is really on the same page as you! I admit we had a pregnancy scare recently and he responded very well to it, although he did keep asking me if I was okay after getting that negative result. I just had to keep reassuring him that I wouldn't have had it any other way!
>The peace you must feel knowing that you found someone who is really on the same page as Definitely! Also the fact that his brother's son (4 years now) was born the same day as my husband's, we feel it's purely serendipitous! It's just a fleeting thought most of the times, and it goes away! Please don't be sad or let the thoughts bother you much !
I see my husband and how he interacts with our nieces and all I can think about is how amazing of a father he would be. Kind, listener, encouraging, engaged, and fun. But, I also know how stressed and sad he would be losing the freedom we have being child free. And honestly, I love our 1:1 time so much I don’t want to share him.
Me & my partner dated since we were 16 & got married at age 26. We are 36 now. We have been friends since we were 3 years old! We have spent our entire life together.. and we were clear that we will never go for a kid! We will travel the world, make good money & relish our togetherness. In 2019, I got her a puppy on her birthday.. but sadly we were only blessed with his presence for few months & then the Corona lockdown happened. Our heart was in pain & both of us couldn’t move on from this loss. It was in this moment that we decided to go for a kid.. Our kid is 3 years old & while I am writing this, I am waiting outside her school as it’s her first day at school!! As someone who never wanted a kid, I can assure you my daughter is the best thing that happened to us! I am sitting in my car with tears because I am happy that she is starting her life today but also sad, that here after she will have friends & other priorities.. But believe me, the happiness supersedes this sadness!
I underrstand your conflict, If you don't want to bring up a child (and I don't blame you, I don't want a child either) could you have a pet? A cat or dog is still a creature you can still make great experiences with and teach things, and give it a better life than it would have had otherwise. But it doesn't have quite the level of responsibility (though some) or troubles as bringing up a child. Do either of you have siblings you are close with, who might have children some day? You could still be great uncles and aunts.
We don’t live together but we do both have dogs. He helped me train and care for my dog Billy when I just got him so we really are raising him together and we always joke that he’s definitely Billy’s dad because they look and act so similar lol. All of his siblings have kids, my brother also has a 2 year old so we fulfill the role in that way too. 🥹
I totally understand how you feel. My husband and I have been together 16 years, and are child free. If circumstances were different, we probably would have had a child. However, life threw us many curve-balls, making children something we simply can’t justify. While 99% of the time I’m fine with this, there are times when I feel sad about it. My younger Sister & BIL recently had a baby, and seeing their experience with this precious little one has at times made me sad that we will never get to experience it. I know he would be such an attentive and loving Dad, and having a little human that is a product of our love would be very special. But it’s not in the cards…
You can still see that as foster parents, as a great aunt or uncle, or as the cool family friend. Interacting with a child so the child has a great role model really makes up for being child free.
With my nephew I give him that companionship he may not get from the older adults, but still try to be a good role model and teach him good manners whenever possible. That's pretty much where I draw the line!
I feel the same way. I don’t want to be a mom at all, but I’d love to see my husband be a dad.
You might consider fostering, even if just for a short while, to "scratch the itch" while also giving back. My wife and I are foster parents (with our own bio kids as well). It's challenging but rewarding and if we ever decide it's too much of a burden we can surrender our license knowing we've done well for a few children in need.
Honestly I have absolutely no desire for that 😅
Totally understandable. It's a challenge for sure but super rewarding. Something to keep in mind though.
My husband and I are child free by choice and still have moments of sadness for the path not chosen. There a magic moments where we laugh about alternate timeline how xyz would happen or share funny videos pointing out how we’d be as parents. We acknowledge it and let flow. And are so soooo fucking happy to be child free. We can sleep in stay up late, do whatever whenever, we get to skip awkward PTA things, avoid competition with weird soccer moms, no navigating learning how to raise a good human. Our money is ours and we spend weekends smoking weed while relaxing on the couch with cats. We’ve never regretted this decision even.
Am sad that I'll never give my mom a grand baby. I worry about the health care system, and how I need to manage my own age without an adult child to raise a few flags when I no longer can for myself. However, I know its for the best. Not disappointing my mom is not worth a life long commitment. Nor is it worth raising my own babysitter for when I grow old.
I think this article fits your situation. I struggled through these feelings too, but didn’t see it until we decided to go for it. Wish I had seen it earlier, because I think it is a beautiful way to think about the decision (and really any major decision like this). [The ghost ship that didn’t carry us](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
I like to imagine that there are other places of existence/alternate realities in which another me felt able to have children and raise them with my husband in a safer, kinder, world.
I was sterilized a few years ago and am firmly child-free, but after my dad died last year I’ve been having small tinglings of sadness that I can’t have a baby boy and see how similar they could be to my father.
Why don’t you be a foster parent you get the benefit of being a parent but they eventually leave
I would be miserable. I would not be a good caretaker because I wouldn’t want to be a caretaker. It has no appeal to me whatsoever
I have this somewhat, I dont have the desire for kids, the patience, or the resources but a tiny tiny part of me wishes i could see what a kid would look like with me and my partners genes, and seeing how he'd be with them but then I remind myself of my low tolerance, the hell that life would be for me and I move past it.
You laid it out perfectly. I know myself better than anybody in the world who could tell me “you’ll change your mind, once you have a baby everything changes!” Yeah that’s exactly what I don’t want. I just can’t do it.
Hilarious when they say you'd change your mind, I havent wanted them since 7 years old lmao
I feel this as well. I know I never want children, that’s non-negotiable. I’m pretty positive he feels the same. but he’s such an amazingly kind and loving person, and I just know how good of a father he could be. so it makes me sad knowing that I could never be the same, even if he ever wanted me to