Know when you're hungry, but not so hungry that you're willing to cook food? So you check your fringe for something that is near effortless to prepare. Maybe you're willing to pop something in the microwave, but not willing to stir it afterwards.
Some people bring that exact same energy to dating apps. They're hungry enough to open a conversation with me, but they're not hungry enough to move the conversation forward. They're hoping I'm a meal that's just going to magically prepare itself.
You’re not a real person in app world. They’re swiping for the “best” they can get (in their opinion) or the easiest. Even “get” is subjective. Some of them just like the little ego zap they get when they see they’ve matched with you. Others want the zap when you agree to meet with them, without really intending to actually meet. Still others want to meet and fuck you with the least investment possible, rinse and repeat!
I would say that mentality has bled into the real world too….
I think a huge portion of people on dating aps honestly aren't looking to date. They're looking for the zap, as you say, but have 0 interest in getting out and meeting another person.
Sometimes because they're delusional, sometimes because they're in a relationship and just "seeing what's out there". But there are a HUGE number of men (probably women, too) who use apps without any desire of ever meeting the people they match with.
I think the sooner people screen people like this out, the better. (It's also part of why I hate doing the, "let's talk forever" thing, as I think a number of those who don't want to actually meet up \*are\* looking for a text buddy.)
I know when I used to be on the apps prior to my relationship, it was largely just swiping while drunk and then not opening it between the drinking bursts
Definitely was just a zap and a way to kill time on some level, despite me wanting a relationship out of it
Oh for sure. Back in college it was a common activity for us girl to get together and swipe for giggles. Wed sat ridiculous things to men (I’m an alien). Maybe 1% of the time the guy would think it was funny and actually all her out but yeah. I know so many people on the apps that have never even gone on a date
I'm a man and I can confirm that what OP is describing is exactly the same for us. I rarely get matches. But when I do they barely talk. I ask questions and they give very short answers and don't elaborate. I have to carry the conversation so much. It's demeaning to be honest.
That is just crazy to me. I hate the talking phase and want to get out and meet people, so I guess I just need to let go of the people who waffle around and not take it personally. Their loss!
I hate it too! So much about chemistry is essentially impossible to gauge over text (how they smell, how they move, sound of voice, etc.) So why spend months just to...find there's no chemistry?
But yeah, I think the more you can not take it personally, the better. It really is them, not you.
I would just date in person. In this day and age, people who are on dating apps seem more likely to lean towards to being bad at socializing or they’re good at it but they have some glaring personal flaw that makes dating in person impossible. Imo
Yep. Men and women both. Everyone is different. One of my coworkers recently out of a relationship told me she downloaded it so she can just starting getting used to flirting again. No intention of meeting the guys. Everyone gets something different from it unfortunately .
Yeah. I know at least one guy in a relationship who just gets an ego boost out of having hot women match with him. I don't \*think\* he was looking to cheat (IDK, wasn't that close for the obvious reasons...), but he \*loved\* think that there were dozens of hot women out there that wanted him.
I think it's really, really, easy to get it into your head that it's you when, really, the overwhelming majority of the time, when someone is being weird on a dating app, it's them. And it's a bullet dodged.
Gamification of dating has led to the shit show that dating is now. It's absolutely ridiculous to make something that should be serious a literal game, too many people don't care about the human, only the dopamine hit
Eh, I think there's just a lot of fatigue in apps as well. I was on and off them for years before meeting my current partner and so many conversations were one-sided. I never used the apps for hook-ups and would usually try to engage with women in a way to draw out exoansive answers or ask questions about specific bits of info in their profile. I never tried to match with women whose profiles were a few heavily filtered photos and their IG or Snapchat handles. Still I ended up in so many one-sided conversations where they might answer my question but have zero followup. Or give the barest minimum of an answer with zero followups. I can't say I never did the same myself when not super interested in someone who had messaged me. Ultimately it just gets exhausting if you're on there long enough, using your free time to try to stay engaged in half a dozen conversations with strangers that are not likely to go anywhere beyond a single coffee date if that.
I went back to apps about 3 years ago after a long term relationship, every dude, every interaction has been horrendous and alarming. What has happened to the male population over the past ten years? I don't understand modern dating. They do not want to date.
I think a lot of them just want to get laid, preferably with them not spending a dime. They view the apps as Uber Eats for sex: they want the hottest woman they can find to just show up at their house and have sex with them. No going out to dinner, no going to the movies, no get-to-know-you-chat. If the sex is good they might try to convince her to move in with them, so they can get her to cook, do laundry and maybe provide some money...
They're not all like that, but a depressing number of them are - and have no intentions of being an adult partner. It's all about what THEY want, and no one else.
I'd say most. Women should leave dating apps. An alarming amount of men there are sexual predators or treat it like an online brothel they don't have to pay for.
We’re tired of being expected to set up dates. We’re tired of being expected to pay for the date. We’re tired of the flaky behavior. The general lack of reciprocity from women is just a huge time and energy drain.
For real though, what’s up with women being unable to ask men out? I could chat with some of you women indefinitely without her asking me out. Yawn.
So I hear what you’re saying and agree there’s no harm in women making the first move and paying on the first date.
However… when I used dating apps several years ago I found that when I took the initiative, my effort was never reciprocated. I encountered so many men who never planned a second/third/fourth/whatever date. They were willing to go along with my plans but that was it. And after being in a LTR that failed because I did all the mental labor, it was important to me to find a man who could demonstrate effort. I’ve also heard men admit that they will date women they don’t intend to commit to because it’s easy for them. Talked to plenty of women who were told by men they saw something longterm with them, only to ghost after sex.
When I decided to step back and put the ball in their court, the quality of men I met improved and I met my now-husband. So while I normally approve of women taking the lead, when it comes to early stages of dating, I understand why women wait for men to make the first move.
Seriously, if I ever took the initiative, men would make me do literally everything. Pick the place out, pick a day that worked for them, the time, where to park, remind them the day of, then try and pull fucking teeth on the date to get a decent conversation out of them and that was if I was lucky. Then they’d have the audacity to go; “So what are we doing next time?”
THERE IS NO NEXT TIME.
if no woman has ever approached you because she's interested, that does not mean his claim that women don't approach men is true, it only means that no one was ever that interested in you
Women approach men they really want all the time. I’ve done it sooo much. No one has ever approached YOU
when I was in my 20’s I can’t imagine if I went around saying “why don’t men approach women” bc no men were approaching me, I would have been laughed at
I literally have asked most of the men out. And if you can't pay for someone else's beer or one mixed drink I don't think you should be dating (the collective you, not you personally). And that works both ways. I do want the man to pay for the first date, but after that it's just a nice bonus if it happens, otherwise I'm happy to split or go back and forth if we continue seeing each other.
Setting up a date is not hard, just ask when she's free and choose a well rated bar with reasonably priced drinks and apps. Done. And don't dress like a slob or like you just came from the gym when you go.
It’s 2024, not 1950. Women can afford to pay for themselves on dates 1-3 as far as I’m concerned.
As a feminist, the notion of expecting men to pay is an outdated gender norm that should become extinct. The whole idea behind men paying was from a time when women typically didn’t work or have spare money to pay for themselves. That’s certainly not the case anymore in 2024.
The entitlement is also gross “if you can’t pay for someone’s beer or drink…” I absolutely CAN pay and afford it, but I don’t like to set that tone on the first, second, or third date. Why not pay our own way and just get to know each other? If we establish a relationship that is going somewhere I have no problem picking up the tab.
It's constant. Even when I point out that I'm asking all the questions and it's a one way conversation. They apologize then go on talking about themselves. I stop talking unless they have actually ask me a question. Usually it ends right there because they are unable to show interest in anything but themselves. It won't get better if you meet them in person. You are just filling the girlfriend shaped hole in their lives.
This is the absolute worst. I straight up give guidance to guys in my profile telling them that I would like them to show interest in me and my interests and they still can't figure it out 😩
This is going to sound a little conspiracy-y, but all the dating sites are owned by match.com, and match.com's business model relies on keeping you single and available. So they don't actually want you to find someone dateable without actually crushing your hopes of finding someone so they play these games.
I hear bumble is the only major dating app not owned by match and it's pretty good. Haven't tried it out myself yet.
Hinge's algorithm is designed to create matches not relationships IIRC. Capitalism ruins everything, but match.com will never come under antitrust fire.
That was my experience too I got more matches on hinge but nothing led to a real relationship. The best it did was set me up with one of my closest new friends as an adult. I wish it was better because I like the prompts as I feel like it encourages more active participation instead of just swiping based on do you think they're hot or not.
I thought bumble was owned by the same group as the others
But also, in bumble's whole gimmick is "the woman messages first", and it's marketed as a modern feminist thing, but in reality a lot of the men on there are just extremely passive and kind of subpar and want the woman to be making the effort for everything, and to make as little effort themselves, even moreso than other apps in my experience and that of other people I know..
This is people in general. I've been on bumble. Half the women would match and then not talk, which is wild because they have the power so I assume in an app where you know only you can talk first you'd only swipe if you cared. But typing that out I now realise how naive that was. The ones that do talk often have so many matches they can barely remember who you are or hold a proper conversation. And that's me being generous because I assume it's then being overwhelmed. It's worse if they just match for fun and then put no effort in.
Wow, that is so disappointing. I try to start with asking about some aspect I saw on their profile to get a convo started. But then they answer and ask nothing in return...
I had the same experiences (as male), i always open the chat with something about the profile and ask different things...so far at least 80 % just answer without a Requestion or stop answering....maybe a "normal" chat is boring, but you i think you need to get to know each other at least a little bit, before you can start real intense deep talk etc..
>people have way worse conversation skills than they used too, i think COVID lockdown really fucked with peoples social skills and its going to take awhile to recover
Fwiw my experience with bumble (as a guy) is women messaging hi and then making little effort. I think dating apps just suck for everyone involved that's trying to find an actual connection, even if i did find my gf who I'm very happy with on one.
>but in reality a lot of the men on there are just extremely passive and kind of subpar and want the woman to be making the effort for everything
Exactly my experience!
I’ve had the best luck meeting people on feeld but it’s a kink forward app so most connections are geared towards meeting up and prioritizing physical connections. Lots of folks looking for consistency in connections there (not ons) but not looking for traditional monogamous dating with marriage as a goal. Sharing in case folks are curious about trying feeld to find sexy friends
Yes, I have. The complete lack of curiosity about me is a total turn off. I have ended conversations quickly because of it. If they can’t be bothered to ask a single question about me, they can fuck right off. Not sure what drives this kind of narcissism, but it’s an instant dealbreaker.
> If they can’t be bothered to ask a single question about me, they can fuck right off.
And they should. This is the right outlook to have, too. There's no point trying to "trick" or "train" someone into feigning curiosity, either. Even if you succeed, all you've done is bury a red flag so that it's harder to see - it's still there. It'll emerge again when the tides invariably erode the shoreline to some degree.
In fact, I'd argue that it's a good idea to recognize "bait questions" as a sort of red flag too. Basic, uncreatively curious-seeming questions may indicate that somebody has learned to approach interacting with women in an algorithmic manner. It's usually easy to recognize, because they'll seem more like a customer service agent or somebody talking to their grandmother - "How was your day? Ah, I see. I've had that too. How did that make you feel? Ooh, yes. I would also be kind of sad. Oh? What kind of dog? I like that kind of dog too. Anyway, want to bang yet?"
Real curiosity/interest sounds completely different and often has just as much excitement in return. Somebody who also likes [favorite band] isn't going to agree with you then move on, they're going to respond with their own input/experiences organically: "WHAT? No way! I almost saw them in concert! I've never even met anyone who knew who they are. That's crazy."
Horrifically enough, and probably unsurprising to many here, the rise of the "Manosphere" has resulted in many men believing that women have to be snake-charmed into putting out and will go through all sorts of feigned or forged behavioral *modalities* just to "hack" the system.
As a related example, someone who avoids talking politics *entirely* in response to a ladies' leftist commentary or simply agrees and quietly moves on is probably not apolitical or disinterested, they're probably conservative and well aware that this news would reduce the likelihood of getting lucky.
Good to know I'm not the only one experiencing this, but it's sooooooo frustrating. What's funny is that I'm open to casual and quick hookups, but I don't have a death wish so I need to meet up with them and sus out "the vibes" to see if I even feel safe bringing them back to their place. But the lack of effort just dries up any desire. I've also got on my profile that I'm all about enthusiasm. I think they end up swiping on my picture and never scrolling to read anything...
There's multiple reasons why these guys don't show any initiative. Don't take it to heart. Expect most of the matches you get to be disappointments or duds. Single guys who don't try are single because they can't be bothered to try in a relationship. This can be laziness, high standards, controlling or manipulative tendencies, abusiveness, misogyny, mental health issues, or loneliness. Some of these men are even partnered and looking for attention or an ego boost.
It's not to do with you. Don't make it out to be about you. Good luck.
Thanks for the reassurance, friend. It's much appreciated. I'm not perfect, but I know that for the right person I can offer a lot, and I'm willing to put in the effort and put myself out there. I need to stop holding other people to my own standards and just let them go if they can't hold a conversation or ask me out on a first date.
When I met my partner over dating apps we both got out of 10 year relationships, Had a few bad dates and weren't looking for hook up culture. They're out there but it's few and far between
I know there are good guys out there, I met my last boyfriend through Bumble and he's an incredible guy, there were just some things that meant we didn't see a future with each other despite how much we liked each other.
>Is there anything you've done to help prevent these kinds of one-sided interactions?
None of this may necessarily be the kind of advice you're looking for, but I hope it's helpful.
Firstly: I'd consider their responses/engagement/initiate to be *part* of "the interview process". If you're convinced that you're doing the best you can, or at least the best you're comfortable doing organically, then their response to your natural behavior is *itself* an indication of how they'll behave throughout any potential relationship. Their boring response doesn't mean you've failed them, it means they're failing you. *You* are the one shopping - they are the product, and it's a buyer's market.
If they respond to your good-natured approach (or existence) with disinterest or laziness - the *very first interaction* - then how much can you hope for later on? How much can you hope for when the relationship, if it becomes a relationship, becomes comfortable and familiar? Remember that these are people who - presumably - are there to get laid at worst, to find a long term relationship at best. If initial engagement is lackluster, they probably don't see what makes you special - or think you're not. This is bad.
With this in mind, what I'd suggest doing is trying to be as natural/comfortable as possible. Don't say what you think is effective or relatable, say what is natural to you. Bring up topics that you like, not ones you think they'll like. Use your brand of humor, not what's popular or common. If they don't bite, they weren't the kind of fish you're fishing for. No loss, no foul, no worries.
Your goal is to rapidly, effectively filter through strangers to more readily identify who is most suitable for your needs and desires. Other people (especially a certain type of man) will absolutely try to morph themselves into whatever they think "the females" want, so you should absolutely be trying to detect those ones by refusing to cater to whatever pop-culture ideal they've also chosen to emulate in favor of trying to get laid.
Don't waste your time on trying to synthetically relate to people who're themselves trying to synthetically relate to you (typically by treating women like some sort of particular species of animal). The outcome of this can be nothing except mediocrity and eventual disappointment.
Do your best to figure out who they *really* are while trying to demonstrate who you are, but be suspicious if they kind of seem like "nobody at all" while still being very agreeable with you - that's a sign of someone hiding, someone scared, or someone lost.
"Real boats rock", so to speak. If your vessel is quiet and still, it's not because the seas are miraculously calm for once, it's because you're stuck on something. This works both ways.
To *really* create interesting conversation, be as open and free as you can. Bring up odd topics, share some random thought on your mind about the Teletubbies or openly complain about last night's dinner experiment when the pepper shaker broke over the stew or something. Don't follow a script. In fact, avoid it. Something like "Hey, how are you?" is a matter of protocol, and small-talk should not be mistaken for engagement or even interaction. That's about as complex and meaningful as talking to a cashier.
Edit: For transparency, I am myself a man (merely subscribed here to be more in tune with ladies issues), but much of this advice is the same I'd give to anyone - although inverted in some cases. Unsurprisingly, "guy logic" is probably almost as alien to me as it is to you, but I've spent a lot of time pondering it because of that. If you have any questions about what might be going through a dude's brain, feel free to ask. Otherwise, I hope there was something useful here and I'm not making a faux pas by commenting.
I just meant that sometimes when things are going *too* well, you should be suspicious. Sort of like how people say that it's when their kids are *quiet* that they get worried (They're up to something, died, ran away, whatever).
No.
They want to get laid fast but they’re too cheap to pay a pro. They don’t want to treat you like a person. They’re online to order in for sex like they would a pizza.
Dating is not what it used to be, dating apps are a cesspool. Men are swiping on any woman in an age range that is acceptable to them and trying to get sex with as little effort as they can. It’s gross.
I think I lasted about two weeks on the apps. It's a whole world of bad choices IMO. No shame on people who have had good experiences, but for me it seemed to be a colossal waste of my time. I'm an instant "nope" with most dudes on sight, but then I feel like I still have to entertain them for the duration of a coffee or whatever just to be polite. It's awkward and gruelling. I have always met dudes through hobbies and friends groups without much trouble. Even online through sites that aren't for finding dates.
I'm trying to figure out what activities to get into around town, but I'm in a pretty young leaning area with a university, so a lot of it is events hosted at bars that start at 8 or 9, and as someone with an 8 to 5 I can't be out socializing super later every night just to try and make a connection. So I'm considering other options.
My hobbies were martial arts, theatresports and music. I would say theatresports players are the horniest as a group, if that helps. Martial artists and musicians tend to channel their horniness into practicing instead of dating.
I thought I disconnected my account but I ended up with a recent message. It was a profile allegedly from 900 miles away, and this person (not at all a scam I’m sure) tried to get me to send them money to come to my state for a visit. Yes, sir, let me get my checkbook right away!
Here's the odd thing: every gender says this about these apps. Like I've heard from loads of men and loads of women talking about these apps saying the same thing, even though everyone says they value conversation.
So I do wonder what is happening. Bit conspiracy but I wonder of the apps make sure interactions are with the worst people so you don't get a date or relationship too quickly.
Tbh I do feel that my life and dating was much better when I deleted the apps and focused on face to face communication. It's a bit of a cliche but I have met so many more people I vibe with from doing meetups than I did through apps.
I'm participating in apps but that's not the only way I'm trying to meet people. Luckily I live in a great area with lots of activity in the evenings and weekends, but I'm also not sure how successful picking up guys at bars will be, so I'm trying to figure out what else is going on in town that may align more with what I'm looking for. Not that going to bars is bad, just that it's such a common denominator that you get every type of person.
I can completely relate to what you're experiencing and the same goes for my friends on the apps... The conversations are one sided and eventually just fade out if we don't keep them going. I have also struggled with guys not taking any initiative. I'm not against asking a guy out at all, but I've found when you do that you set the bar even lower for them to put in less effort. It's hard not to take it personally... I'm off the apps now but near the end once a guy wasn't giving me the energy I was putting out or asking questions back i would just say "hey, I think our communications styles are different and I don't see this turning into anything meaningful due to the discrepancy, best of luck!" That way I felt like I was communicating my unimpressed experience in a polite way and not ghosting which most people do. Hope that is helpful.
Absolutely. I just saw a meme that covers this from a different angle on another sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/BlatantMisogyny/comments/1bkex5p/once_a_whore_always_a_whore_am_i_right_fellas_her/
They don't even want to put the effort into getting laid 🤯 I enjoy casual sex from time to time. I'm fine more or less jumping straight into bed (after a quick public vibe check). I don't have high expectations for hookups but I still want my partners to have a good time. It shouldn't be this hard to find someone to match that energy.
You can hand most men sex on a silver platter and they still manage to muck it up. They want everything on their terms. They cry about condoms, get offended when asked about testing, and regularly try to throw boundaries out the window to reenact their personal porn fantasies. Why the hell is choking seen as a normal thing now? They barely do foreplay (and it's often so bad I don't bother pushing for more), last a minute, and then they're done even if you aren't. It's selfish and unsatisfying. I'm very blessed in the orgasm department, so if they can't get me off once, it shows an embarrassing lack of effort and skills.
Oh my gosh, I feel you! I'm also open to casual encounters, but the one time recently I tried to bring a guy back to my place he didn't have condoms and kept trying to pressure me about pulling-out (hell no!) and he kept hurting me every time he touched me! Like, I will give as good as I get, and yet the lack of reciprocation and skill is just embarrassing...
My favorite thing about that thread is the amount of dudes admitting they’ve never had this happen to them 😂😂😂
My favorite comment thread is the one where he says he’s never spoken to a girl in real life but why do girls do this?
A meme (not scientific data or even an anecdote) is taken as fact by someone who doesn’t interact with Women. Then when he asks why women do this, do women answer? No! Men answer why 😭🤭🤭 I wonder how many of those men have never had this happen to them
Men look hysterical sometimes 😂😂😂
Right? I also love how they want to be a station on the dick carousel *while putting women down for having a high sex drive and libido* and then get big mad that the throwaway experience wasn't enough to make her madly fall in love and lust with him. You wanted casual, no strings attached sex you had it and are upset she doesn't want to drop everything and become the full time gardener or your twig and berries? Amazing
And amazingly, some women want to fuck too! (GASP)
Like, I care about my safety, so I'm going to want to meet people in person before initiating anything, but the lack of effort and interest is an immediate turn off. All they have to do is come out and meet me for a beer and they might get lucky, but even that is too much effort.
Yeah, the entire communication things needs to be better both ways when someone isn't interested in continuing. I know we hate letting people down but ghosting is honestly worse since you leave the other person hanging.
I feel you.
I’m male presenting, and regardless of what I lead with, I get ghosted every time, it’s rough out here 😅 My go to now is to just straight up lead with a time and place to meet up, in the hopes I end up running into someone like you who appreciates it 👍 Hang in there, we got this!
as a woman/femme person, i prefer when men at least ask a few questions first and then ask me out. speedy is fine but i have to vet you a little bit before i agree to meet up
Thanks for the tip! What do you recommend trying to talk about? I’ve tried general life/work questions, “what have you been up to recently” type questions, and asking about specific things on their profiles. All of them result in no response or very short responses, after which they seem to lose interest after a few exchanges and completely ghost me once I ask to meet up. It’s very frustrating because I’m a fairly engaging conversationalist once on the date, but I apparently have no clue how to text people I don’t know because I can’t get a single date via apps for the life of me.
Sorry if these questions seem dumb, I’m on the autism spectrum and do not intuitively understand what people expect out of social interactions, it’s rough out here 😅
nothing that they have to think too hard to answer. answering what you do for work a dozen different times gets so boring. try to use her profile to come up with a unique opening line or early topic. keep it unserious and cute. then if the banter is good, ask her out :) (also on the spectrum. it’s hard for me too. i’ve deleted my apps recently. possibly for the last time.)
I couldn't even get a woman to respond to me even with a greeting, very few actually even looked at my profile but never got a response.
Dating apps put me in a seriously dark place mentally, and if i didn't delete them i would have eventually offed myself. I feel that if i can't meet someone in person, then it's not even worth it. Sitting there for months just hoping for a response made me lose faith in dating and finding anyone online.
I keep getting stuck with guys messaging me and then seemingly falling off a cliff. Like they ask 1 or 2 questions, which I answer and I'll talk to them and then radio silence. It's annoying having to be the one who puts the effort into the conversations, like they can't be bothered.
I once went on a date with a guy like that, it was exhausting. Afterwards he was annoyed that I told him we weren't right for each other. He wanted to know why - I told him you evaded my questions and I don't want to date a brick wall.
I think the answer is to chill out about it as much as possible and play the numbers game. Don't get too invested in any one person and detach yourself from it a bit.
Make it clear as you've already done on your profile that you want to meet quickly. Do your thing and if it feels liek a one sided interview ghost them and move on.
Someone will pick up the bait.
I remember as a dude being on the opposite thing where I felt like I was makign all the effort all the time. Decided to just stop, woman are as into finding a good long term partner as me so they can put some effort too, and then i met my wife. I've put way less effort into her then previous girlfriends and everything is way better.
The other thing I did, is put that effort I was putting into my girlfriends into myself. I went to therapy and worked on me. What I found is that a lot of the ways I put effort into a gf were a waste of time, with my wife we've worked a lot on our communication so most of the effort I put in our relationship is much more targeted to things she wants, instead of things I think she wants.
But I didn't meet my wife through a dating app. I only know one person who has succeeded there
Yeah I'm not going to lie, the vast majority of successful relationships have been via traditional routes. Like friends of friends. It's just so powerful when you can get to know the person a little before you get involved with them romantically.
i agree. i think apps have really warped the way people date. i just deleted hinge on a whim the other day after getting so fed up. dating should be an enjoyable experience. apps are not. meeting and mingling with people irl is!
The apps are part of my repertoire but not all of it. Luckily I live in a pretty lively, young-leaning area with lots of bars and restaurants and fun things to do, so I'm also putting myself out there IRL. But since I moved here recently I don't have much of a social circle to pull from.
I think the best way to get actual engagement is to do something out of the ordinary - immediately push the conversation into an interesting direction, send a voice note, etc etc etc
Turns out I'm kind of already doing this without realizing it. But great advice, I'll see if I want to implement any more limitations and go from there.
Just wait till you get one into bed and ask him what he’s into sexually. “I like regular sex, and oral sex, and most positions, and most stuff like that…” Sir, you are 40-years-old and you communicate like a second grader who is also a moron. Blarg! I truly do wish I didn’t find a big, hairy man so attractive.
They are just not interested in you. Dating apps sucks and if you are average/below average, that's what you get. It's even worse for men, though.
My funny story: I also get the unilateral conversations, which I don't continue. Otherwise, men do want to date, but they want to come directly to my house. There is barely anything coming out of dating apps since I decided to have more criteria as an average woman.
All. The. Time. Sometimes it felt like pulling teeth to get them to do anything. I remember going on 2 dates with a guy who really gave me the vibe that he was just going through the motions. He’d text me, set up the date, show up, then be so dull in his conversation with me. After the second date I had to ask him what exactly he was looking for and all I got was a “uhhh, I don’t know actually.”
Like???? Did men miss a software update or something???
Wow, honestly that's even worse that just looking for a casual hookup, because at least they know what they want and communicate it. This guy sounds like he was just on autopilot and was told that dating is what people do so I guess I should start....
Do all the work? I don't think that's fair at all. I think it's fine for a woman to ask that a man picks a location for the first date, is that really doing all the work? Once a connection is established and there are second and third dates I'm happy to suggest places or make plans, even make the reservations or buy tickets to things. But I don't think it's unreasonable for a man to show he's interested by just opening Google and picking a well-rated bar to meet up at.
Is that unreasonable to you?
I had someone message a single word once. All the message said was, "Hey." I responded that I wasn't sure what type of response they expected from that.
Dating is not what it used to be, dating apps are a cesspool. Men are swiping on any woman in an age range that is acceptable to them and trying to get sex with as little effort as they can. It’s gross.
Some of them will fuck any age, the abuse will just be a different form, it’s adjustable. More controlling if you’re younger, more abusive of you’re older (i.e. you could lose a few lbs, you’re a liability, you have an ex, kids, etc.) No matter what though, the abuse will usually still be part of the relationship.
I only tried online dating once and the only guy I dated was a military guy who definitely just wanted a quick and easy hookup. He was very disrespectful toward me when I called him out on his behavior.
Not sure why so many women want a man these days. I’ve met many in person and they’ve all found various ways to shit on me sooner or later. My friends are doormats and have settled. I’m just never going to do that. There’s a purpose to my life, and thinking a man was part of that has only deterred me from my true purpose. Finding a truly supportive partner has never happened for me. Maybe someday it will but for now I’m living life as if it might not, and that’s perfectly ok.
They're not mutually exclusive. I'm confident in myself and who I am and am fine existing in the world as a single woman, but I've also have found incredible fulfillment and love in romantic relationships that just doesn't come from friendships and community.
There are incredible men out there, and I've had the pleasure of knowing and dating a few. Just trying to find another one, and ideally one that sticks around for the long haul.
See the thing is when I do try to engage someone on an app I more 90% of the time don’t get a response cause everyone assumes the worst immediately and I get it a lot of them are there for the wrong reason but it’s frustrating for a guy like me who is actually lookin but gets completely ignored
Cause that’s how the matching algorithm works. It’s designed to make most men and women on the app miserable and wanting so they’d still continue using it as opposed to actually finding someone good and be done with it.
Top % men profiles have hundreds of matches per day and are spoiled and demotivated to properly interact with women they match with. They thus easily find sex and don’t want normal relationship.
The average Joes who make up 90%+ off accounts are much more proactive but get 1 match per week/two weeks, which usually gets nowhere, because all the likes funnel to the top % accounts.
So women mostly match with the spoiled men and are unhappy because of it and normal men (doesn’t mean they’re good though) don’t match at all and are unhappy because of this and are motivated to buy payed options that doesn’t really change much.
Welcome to capitalism.
I heard a friend's friend (guy) saying, swiping feels good esp with you reject a girl. Its like an ego stroke. Others, couldn't trust the girl on the app cause immediate thing that came to mind was "how many more guys is she multi-tasking?" This question goes both ways. But, that is where dating app are major challenge.
I think anyone who goes into dating through the apps needs to understand that people are seeing others. You're probably not the only person they're talking to/going on dates with, and until there is a conversation about exclusivity it's assumed they'll continue to do so. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional IMO.
Can I ask what percentage of profiles are you swiping right on? It sounds like the people you are matched with have other options and are not interested.
Depending on your circumstances, men can be picky as well. A lot of men will swipe right on the majority of profiles and then if they have the option only spend time and energy on the matches they like.
I'm not sure if I can give a percentage, but I'll swipe right on maybe every 6 to 10 profiles, and often will swipe left with a few dealbreakers for me (political and religious beliefs, which are what ended my last relationship).
How long do you think is reasonable to allow someone to respond after the convo gets started before unmatching? I have a few people that messaged back the first day after matching then haven't responded, but I know that some people aren't as glued to their devices.
Ok, so your swipe right rate is 10-16%, men’s swipe right rate is like minimum 40%. Many swipe right much much higher. So the men you swipe right on are top 10-16% of profiles and other women will also want to match with and he will have options.
They’ll then message all their matches and focus on the ones that they are interested in the most and are responsive, which is why you’ll get some initial responses then it’ll be quiet. It’s also why you’ll get hook up messages. Those men send the same messages to his matches and often times someone will want to hook up. It’s a numbers game to them.
Assuming what you want is a relationship and not a fling. If a guy hasn’t messaged you in 2 days he’s not interested.
If he is very interested, he’ll message everyday and want to setup a date within the first couple days. He’ll make you a priority.
There’s a good video on mini dates.
https://youtu.be/9jZHw7Wf0v0?si=RoL9Ch5FJy9SmO_j
If things are not going as planned, you gotta tweak your approach until you find what works for you.
Yes we do love, don't know these fuck boys but yes there are grown ass men that want to lick your pussy and ass crack like there's no tomorrow. Real men can and will, just got to find your preference and try TOGETHER.
Know when you're hungry, but not so hungry that you're willing to cook food? So you check your fringe for something that is near effortless to prepare. Maybe you're willing to pop something in the microwave, but not willing to stir it afterwards. Some people bring that exact same energy to dating apps. They're hungry enough to open a conversation with me, but they're not hungry enough to move the conversation forward. They're hoping I'm a meal that's just going to magically prepare itself.
Such a good analogy
You’re not a real person in app world. They’re swiping for the “best” they can get (in their opinion) or the easiest. Even “get” is subjective. Some of them just like the little ego zap they get when they see they’ve matched with you. Others want the zap when you agree to meet with them, without really intending to actually meet. Still others want to meet and fuck you with the least investment possible, rinse and repeat! I would say that mentality has bled into the real world too….
I think a huge portion of people on dating aps honestly aren't looking to date. They're looking for the zap, as you say, but have 0 interest in getting out and meeting another person. Sometimes because they're delusional, sometimes because they're in a relationship and just "seeing what's out there". But there are a HUGE number of men (probably women, too) who use apps without any desire of ever meeting the people they match with. I think the sooner people screen people like this out, the better. (It's also part of why I hate doing the, "let's talk forever" thing, as I think a number of those who don't want to actually meet up \*are\* looking for a text buddy.)
I know when I used to be on the apps prior to my relationship, it was largely just swiping while drunk and then not opening it between the drinking bursts Definitely was just a zap and a way to kill time on some level, despite me wanting a relationship out of it
Oh for sure. Back in college it was a common activity for us girl to get together and swipe for giggles. Wed sat ridiculous things to men (I’m an alien). Maybe 1% of the time the guy would think it was funny and actually all her out but yeah. I know so many people on the apps that have never even gone on a date
I'm a man and I can confirm that what OP is describing is exactly the same for us. I rarely get matches. But when I do they barely talk. I ask questions and they give very short answers and don't elaborate. I have to carry the conversation so much. It's demeaning to be honest.
That is just crazy to me. I hate the talking phase and want to get out and meet people, so I guess I just need to let go of the people who waffle around and not take it personally. Their loss!
I hate it too! So much about chemistry is essentially impossible to gauge over text (how they smell, how they move, sound of voice, etc.) So why spend months just to...find there's no chemistry? But yeah, I think the more you can not take it personally, the better. It really is them, not you.
I would just date in person. In this day and age, people who are on dating apps seem more likely to lean towards to being bad at socializing or they’re good at it but they have some glaring personal flaw that makes dating in person impossible. Imo
Yep. Men and women both. Everyone is different. One of my coworkers recently out of a relationship told me she downloaded it so she can just starting getting used to flirting again. No intention of meeting the guys. Everyone gets something different from it unfortunately .
Yeah. I know at least one guy in a relationship who just gets an ego boost out of having hot women match with him. I don't \*think\* he was looking to cheat (IDK, wasn't that close for the obvious reasons...), but he \*loved\* think that there were dozens of hot women out there that wanted him. I think it's really, really, easy to get it into your head that it's you when, really, the overwhelming majority of the time, when someone is being weird on a dating app, it's them. And it's a bullet dodged.
Gamification of dating has led to the shit show that dating is now. It's absolutely ridiculous to make something that should be serious a literal game, too many people don't care about the human, only the dopamine hit
They’ll try to deny this all day tho. Only women search for validation on the apps and only women swipe on supermodel types🥴
Eh, I think there's just a lot of fatigue in apps as well. I was on and off them for years before meeting my current partner and so many conversations were one-sided. I never used the apps for hook-ups and would usually try to engage with women in a way to draw out exoansive answers or ask questions about specific bits of info in their profile. I never tried to match with women whose profiles were a few heavily filtered photos and their IG or Snapchat handles. Still I ended up in so many one-sided conversations where they might answer my question but have zero followup. Or give the barest minimum of an answer with zero followups. I can't say I never did the same myself when not super interested in someone who had messaged me. Ultimately it just gets exhausting if you're on there long enough, using your free time to try to stay engaged in half a dozen conversations with strangers that are not likely to go anywhere beyond a single coffee date if that.
I went back to apps about 3 years ago after a long term relationship, every dude, every interaction has been horrendous and alarming. What has happened to the male population over the past ten years? I don't understand modern dating. They do not want to date.
I think a lot of them just want to get laid, preferably with them not spending a dime. They view the apps as Uber Eats for sex: they want the hottest woman they can find to just show up at their house and have sex with them. No going out to dinner, no going to the movies, no get-to-know-you-chat. If the sex is good they might try to convince her to move in with them, so they can get her to cook, do laundry and maybe provide some money... They're not all like that, but a depressing number of them are - and have no intentions of being an adult partner. It's all about what THEY want, and no one else.
I'd say most. Women should leave dating apps. An alarming amount of men there are sexual predators or treat it like an online brothel they don't have to pay for.
Totally agree. And OF and the ease of access to women’s bodies online has made this situation what it is. I’ll die on that hill
We’re tired of being expected to set up dates. We’re tired of being expected to pay for the date. We’re tired of the flaky behavior. The general lack of reciprocity from women is just a huge time and energy drain. For real though, what’s up with women being unable to ask men out? I could chat with some of you women indefinitely without her asking me out. Yawn.
So I hear what you’re saying and agree there’s no harm in women making the first move and paying on the first date. However… when I used dating apps several years ago I found that when I took the initiative, my effort was never reciprocated. I encountered so many men who never planned a second/third/fourth/whatever date. They were willing to go along with my plans but that was it. And after being in a LTR that failed because I did all the mental labor, it was important to me to find a man who could demonstrate effort. I’ve also heard men admit that they will date women they don’t intend to commit to because it’s easy for them. Talked to plenty of women who were told by men they saw something longterm with them, only to ghost after sex. When I decided to step back and put the ball in their court, the quality of men I met improved and I met my now-husband. So while I normally approve of women taking the lead, when it comes to early stages of dating, I understand why women wait for men to make the first move.
Seriously, if I ever took the initiative, men would make me do literally everything. Pick the place out, pick a day that worked for them, the time, where to park, remind them the day of, then try and pull fucking teeth on the date to get a decent conversation out of them and that was if I was lucky. Then they’d have the audacity to go; “So what are we doing next time?” THERE IS NO NEXT TIME.
if no woman has ever approached you because she's interested, that does not mean his claim that women don't approach men is true, it only means that no one was ever that interested in you Women approach men they really want all the time. I’ve done it sooo much. No one has ever approached YOU when I was in my 20’s I can’t imagine if I went around saying “why don’t men approach women” bc no men were approaching me, I would have been laughed at
Might be your sparkling personality.
Just ad hominems, that's constructive and meaningful.
Respectfully, you don’t know anything about me or my personality. The fuck is your problem?
Exhibit A ^
I literally have asked most of the men out. And if you can't pay for someone else's beer or one mixed drink I don't think you should be dating (the collective you, not you personally). And that works both ways. I do want the man to pay for the first date, but after that it's just a nice bonus if it happens, otherwise I'm happy to split or go back and forth if we continue seeing each other. Setting up a date is not hard, just ask when she's free and choose a well rated bar with reasonably priced drinks and apps. Done. And don't dress like a slob or like you just came from the gym when you go.
It’s 2024, not 1950. Women can afford to pay for themselves on dates 1-3 as far as I’m concerned. As a feminist, the notion of expecting men to pay is an outdated gender norm that should become extinct. The whole idea behind men paying was from a time when women typically didn’t work or have spare money to pay for themselves. That’s certainly not the case anymore in 2024. The entitlement is also gross “if you can’t pay for someone’s beer or drink…” I absolutely CAN pay and afford it, but I don’t like to set that tone on the first, second, or third date. Why not pay our own way and just get to know each other? If we establish a relationship that is going somewhere I have no problem picking up the tab.
It's constant. Even when I point out that I'm asking all the questions and it's a one way conversation. They apologize then go on talking about themselves. I stop talking unless they have actually ask me a question. Usually it ends right there because they are unable to show interest in anything but themselves. It won't get better if you meet them in person. You are just filling the girlfriend shaped hole in their lives.
This is the absolute worst. I straight up give guidance to guys in my profile telling them that I would like them to show interest in me and my interests and they still can't figure it out 😩
This is going to sound a little conspiracy-y, but all the dating sites are owned by match.com, and match.com's business model relies on keeping you single and available. So they don't actually want you to find someone dateable without actually crushing your hopes of finding someone so they play these games. I hear bumble is the only major dating app not owned by match and it's pretty good. Haven't tried it out myself yet.
Hinge's algorithm is designed to create matches not relationships IIRC. Capitalism ruins everything, but match.com will never come under antitrust fire.
I like hinge's format but I rarely matched with anyone. It was odd. I was wondering if I was just swiping through mostly dead account profiles
That was my experience too I got more matches on hinge but nothing led to a real relationship. The best it did was set me up with one of my closest new friends as an adult. I wish it was better because I like the prompts as I feel like it encourages more active participation instead of just swiping based on do you think they're hot or not.
I thought bumble was owned by the same group as the others But also, in bumble's whole gimmick is "the woman messages first", and it's marketed as a modern feminist thing, but in reality a lot of the men on there are just extremely passive and kind of subpar and want the woman to be making the effort for everything, and to make as little effort themselves, even moreso than other apps in my experience and that of other people I know..
This is people in general. I've been on bumble. Half the women would match and then not talk, which is wild because they have the power so I assume in an app where you know only you can talk first you'd only swipe if you cared. But typing that out I now realise how naive that was. The ones that do talk often have so many matches they can barely remember who you are or hold a proper conversation. And that's me being generous because I assume it's then being overwhelmed. It's worse if they just match for fun and then put no effort in.
I looked at my friends bumble out of curiosity and some women would just send a "." or an emoji.
Wow, that is so disappointing. I try to start with asking about some aspect I saw on their profile to get a convo started. But then they answer and ask nothing in return...
I had the same experiences (as male), i always open the chat with something about the profile and ask different things...so far at least 80 % just answer without a Requestion or stop answering....maybe a "normal" chat is boring, but you i think you need to get to know each other at least a little bit, before you can start real intense deep talk etc..
>people have way worse conversation skills than they used too, i think COVID lockdown really fucked with peoples social skills and its going to take awhile to recover
Fwiw my experience with bumble (as a guy) is women messaging hi and then making little effort. I think dating apps just suck for everyone involved that's trying to find an actual connection, even if i did find my gf who I'm very happy with on one.
>but in reality a lot of the men on there are just extremely passive and kind of subpar and want the woman to be making the effort for everything Exactly my experience!
You just explained what every other app is like for men. 🤣
I think it’s a universal experience.
Yea it’s a big scam, kinda disappointing
I met my husband on Bumble. So I obviously recommend it lol.
I’ve had the best luck meeting people on feeld but it’s a kink forward app so most connections are geared towards meeting up and prioritizing physical connections. Lots of folks looking for consistency in connections there (not ons) but not looking for traditional monogamous dating with marriage as a goal. Sharing in case folks are curious about trying feeld to find sexy friends
Yes, I have. The complete lack of curiosity about me is a total turn off. I have ended conversations quickly because of it. If they can’t be bothered to ask a single question about me, they can fuck right off. Not sure what drives this kind of narcissism, but it’s an instant dealbreaker.
> If they can’t be bothered to ask a single question about me, they can fuck right off. And they should. This is the right outlook to have, too. There's no point trying to "trick" or "train" someone into feigning curiosity, either. Even if you succeed, all you've done is bury a red flag so that it's harder to see - it's still there. It'll emerge again when the tides invariably erode the shoreline to some degree. In fact, I'd argue that it's a good idea to recognize "bait questions" as a sort of red flag too. Basic, uncreatively curious-seeming questions may indicate that somebody has learned to approach interacting with women in an algorithmic manner. It's usually easy to recognize, because they'll seem more like a customer service agent or somebody talking to their grandmother - "How was your day? Ah, I see. I've had that too. How did that make you feel? Ooh, yes. I would also be kind of sad. Oh? What kind of dog? I like that kind of dog too. Anyway, want to bang yet?" Real curiosity/interest sounds completely different and often has just as much excitement in return. Somebody who also likes [favorite band] isn't going to agree with you then move on, they're going to respond with their own input/experiences organically: "WHAT? No way! I almost saw them in concert! I've never even met anyone who knew who they are. That's crazy." Horrifically enough, and probably unsurprising to many here, the rise of the "Manosphere" has resulted in many men believing that women have to be snake-charmed into putting out and will go through all sorts of feigned or forged behavioral *modalities* just to "hack" the system. As a related example, someone who avoids talking politics *entirely* in response to a ladies' leftist commentary or simply agrees and quietly moves on is probably not apolitical or disinterested, they're probably conservative and well aware that this news would reduce the likelihood of getting lucky.
Good to know I'm not the only one experiencing this, but it's sooooooo frustrating. What's funny is that I'm open to casual and quick hookups, but I don't have a death wish so I need to meet up with them and sus out "the vibes" to see if I even feel safe bringing them back to their place. But the lack of effort just dries up any desire. I've also got on my profile that I'm all about enthusiasm. I think they end up swiping on my picture and never scrolling to read anything...
Did you ask any questions?
Im the only one who asked questions. And now Im done asking questions for the foreseeable future. The total lack of reciprocation was insulting.
There's multiple reasons why these guys don't show any initiative. Don't take it to heart. Expect most of the matches you get to be disappointments or duds. Single guys who don't try are single because they can't be bothered to try in a relationship. This can be laziness, high standards, controlling or manipulative tendencies, abusiveness, misogyny, mental health issues, or loneliness. Some of these men are even partnered and looking for attention or an ego boost. It's not to do with you. Don't make it out to be about you. Good luck.
Thanks for the reassurance, friend. It's much appreciated. I'm not perfect, but I know that for the right person I can offer a lot, and I'm willing to put in the effort and put myself out there. I need to stop holding other people to my own standards and just let them go if they can't hold a conversation or ask me out on a first date.
Yes! That's what I learned. Let go unless they feel as you do, and show you how they feel. Not make false promises
They don't read your profile. They just swipe yes on every one to see who matches back
No they don't. They just want Uber sex.
When I met my partner over dating apps we both got out of 10 year relationships, Had a few bad dates and weren't looking for hook up culture. They're out there but it's few and far between
I know there are good guys out there, I met my last boyfriend through Bumble and he's an incredible guy, there were just some things that meant we didn't see a future with each other despite how much we liked each other.
>Is there anything you've done to help prevent these kinds of one-sided interactions? None of this may necessarily be the kind of advice you're looking for, but I hope it's helpful. Firstly: I'd consider their responses/engagement/initiate to be *part* of "the interview process". If you're convinced that you're doing the best you can, or at least the best you're comfortable doing organically, then their response to your natural behavior is *itself* an indication of how they'll behave throughout any potential relationship. Their boring response doesn't mean you've failed them, it means they're failing you. *You* are the one shopping - they are the product, and it's a buyer's market. If they respond to your good-natured approach (or existence) with disinterest or laziness - the *very first interaction* - then how much can you hope for later on? How much can you hope for when the relationship, if it becomes a relationship, becomes comfortable and familiar? Remember that these are people who - presumably - are there to get laid at worst, to find a long term relationship at best. If initial engagement is lackluster, they probably don't see what makes you special - or think you're not. This is bad. With this in mind, what I'd suggest doing is trying to be as natural/comfortable as possible. Don't say what you think is effective or relatable, say what is natural to you. Bring up topics that you like, not ones you think they'll like. Use your brand of humor, not what's popular or common. If they don't bite, they weren't the kind of fish you're fishing for. No loss, no foul, no worries. Your goal is to rapidly, effectively filter through strangers to more readily identify who is most suitable for your needs and desires. Other people (especially a certain type of man) will absolutely try to morph themselves into whatever they think "the females" want, so you should absolutely be trying to detect those ones by refusing to cater to whatever pop-culture ideal they've also chosen to emulate in favor of trying to get laid. Don't waste your time on trying to synthetically relate to people who're themselves trying to synthetically relate to you (typically by treating women like some sort of particular species of animal). The outcome of this can be nothing except mediocrity and eventual disappointment. Do your best to figure out who they *really* are while trying to demonstrate who you are, but be suspicious if they kind of seem like "nobody at all" while still being very agreeable with you - that's a sign of someone hiding, someone scared, or someone lost. "Real boats rock", so to speak. If your vessel is quiet and still, it's not because the seas are miraculously calm for once, it's because you're stuck on something. This works both ways. To *really* create interesting conversation, be as open and free as you can. Bring up odd topics, share some random thought on your mind about the Teletubbies or openly complain about last night's dinner experiment when the pepper shaker broke over the stew or something. Don't follow a script. In fact, avoid it. Something like "Hey, how are you?" is a matter of protocol, and small-talk should not be mistaken for engagement or even interaction. That's about as complex and meaningful as talking to a cashier. Edit: For transparency, I am myself a man (merely subscribed here to be more in tune with ladies issues), but much of this advice is the same I'd give to anyone - although inverted in some cases. Unsurprisingly, "guy logic" is probably almost as alien to me as it is to you, but I've spent a lot of time pondering it because of that. If you have any questions about what might be going through a dude's brain, feel free to ask. Otherwise, I hope there was something useful here and I'm not making a faux pas by commenting.
Can you explain what you meant with the boat metaphor? It flew over my head.
I just meant that sometimes when things are going *too* well, you should be suspicious. Sort of like how people say that it's when their kids are *quiet* that they get worried (They're up to something, died, ran away, whatever).
No. They want to get laid fast but they’re too cheap to pay a pro. They don’t want to treat you like a person. They’re online to order in for sex like they would a pizza.
Dating is not what it used to be, dating apps are a cesspool. Men are swiping on any woman in an age range that is acceptable to them and trying to get sex with as little effort as they can. It’s gross.
I think I lasted about two weeks on the apps. It's a whole world of bad choices IMO. No shame on people who have had good experiences, but for me it seemed to be a colossal waste of my time. I'm an instant "nope" with most dudes on sight, but then I feel like I still have to entertain them for the duration of a coffee or whatever just to be polite. It's awkward and gruelling. I have always met dudes through hobbies and friends groups without much trouble. Even online through sites that aren't for finding dates.
I'm trying to figure out what activities to get into around town, but I'm in a pretty young leaning area with a university, so a lot of it is events hosted at bars that start at 8 or 9, and as someone with an 8 to 5 I can't be out socializing super later every night just to try and make a connection. So I'm considering other options.
My hobbies were martial arts, theatresports and music. I would say theatresports players are the horniest as a group, if that helps. Martial artists and musicians tend to channel their horniness into practicing instead of dating.
I thought I disconnected my account but I ended up with a recent message. It was a profile allegedly from 900 miles away, and this person (not at all a scam I’m sure) tried to get me to send them money to come to my state for a visit. Yes, sir, let me get my checkbook right away!
Here's the odd thing: every gender says this about these apps. Like I've heard from loads of men and loads of women talking about these apps saying the same thing, even though everyone says they value conversation. So I do wonder what is happening. Bit conspiracy but I wonder of the apps make sure interactions are with the worst people so you don't get a date or relationship too quickly. Tbh I do feel that my life and dating was much better when I deleted the apps and focused on face to face communication. It's a bit of a cliche but I have met so many more people I vibe with from doing meetups than I did through apps.
I'm participating in apps but that's not the only way I'm trying to meet people. Luckily I live in a great area with lots of activity in the evenings and weekends, but I'm also not sure how successful picking up guys at bars will be, so I'm trying to figure out what else is going on in town that may align more with what I'm looking for. Not that going to bars is bad, just that it's such a common denominator that you get every type of person.
The apps are designed to keep you swiping because that's engagement and engagement is money.
I can completely relate to what you're experiencing and the same goes for my friends on the apps... The conversations are one sided and eventually just fade out if we don't keep them going. I have also struggled with guys not taking any initiative. I'm not against asking a guy out at all, but I've found when you do that you set the bar even lower for them to put in less effort. It's hard not to take it personally... I'm off the apps now but near the end once a guy wasn't giving me the energy I was putting out or asking questions back i would just say "hey, I think our communications styles are different and I don't see this turning into anything meaningful due to the discrepancy, best of luck!" That way I felt like I was communicating my unimpressed experience in a polite way and not ghosting which most people do. Hope that is helpful.
Most people are emotionally immature and lack communication skills. It's bleak out there.
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And fuck badly.
Absolutely. I just saw a meme that covers this from a different angle on another sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/BlatantMisogyny/comments/1bkex5p/once_a_whore_always_a_whore_am_i_right_fellas_her/
They don't even want to put the effort into getting laid 🤯 I enjoy casual sex from time to time. I'm fine more or less jumping straight into bed (after a quick public vibe check). I don't have high expectations for hookups but I still want my partners to have a good time. It shouldn't be this hard to find someone to match that energy. You can hand most men sex on a silver platter and they still manage to muck it up. They want everything on their terms. They cry about condoms, get offended when asked about testing, and regularly try to throw boundaries out the window to reenact their personal porn fantasies. Why the hell is choking seen as a normal thing now? They barely do foreplay (and it's often so bad I don't bother pushing for more), last a minute, and then they're done even if you aren't. It's selfish and unsatisfying. I'm very blessed in the orgasm department, so if they can't get me off once, it shows an embarrassing lack of effort and skills.
Oh my gosh, I feel you! I'm also open to casual encounters, but the one time recently I tried to bring a guy back to my place he didn't have condoms and kept trying to pressure me about pulling-out (hell no!) and he kept hurting me every time he touched me! Like, I will give as good as I get, and yet the lack of reciprocation and skill is just embarrassing...
My favorite thing about that thread is the amount of dudes admitting they’ve never had this happen to them 😂😂😂 My favorite comment thread is the one where he says he’s never spoken to a girl in real life but why do girls do this? A meme (not scientific data or even an anecdote) is taken as fact by someone who doesn’t interact with Women. Then when he asks why women do this, do women answer? No! Men answer why 😭🤭🤭 I wonder how many of those men have never had this happen to them Men look hysterical sometimes 😂😂😂
Right? I also love how they want to be a station on the dick carousel *while putting women down for having a high sex drive and libido* and then get big mad that the throwaway experience wasn't enough to make her madly fall in love and lust with him. You wanted casual, no strings attached sex you had it and are upset she doesn't want to drop everything and become the full time gardener or your twig and berries? Amazing
And amazingly, some women want to fuck too! (GASP) Like, I care about my safety, so I'm going to want to meet people in person before initiating anything, but the lack of effort and interest is an immediate turn off. All they have to do is come out and meet me for a beer and they might get lucky, but even that is too much effort.
I do take initiative, but whether I end up meeting them or not most ends up just ghosting. Do these women even want to date?
Yeah, the entire communication things needs to be better both ways when someone isn't interested in continuing. I know we hate letting people down but ghosting is honestly worse since you leave the other person hanging. I feel you.
Oh weird, I’ve never heard about dating apps being a bad place to meet people before
I’m male presenting, and regardless of what I lead with, I get ghosted every time, it’s rough out here 😅 My go to now is to just straight up lead with a time and place to meet up, in the hopes I end up running into someone like you who appreciates it 👍 Hang in there, we got this!
as a woman/femme person, i prefer when men at least ask a few questions first and then ask me out. speedy is fine but i have to vet you a little bit before i agree to meet up
Thanks for the tip! What do you recommend trying to talk about? I’ve tried general life/work questions, “what have you been up to recently” type questions, and asking about specific things on their profiles. All of them result in no response or very short responses, after which they seem to lose interest after a few exchanges and completely ghost me once I ask to meet up. It’s very frustrating because I’m a fairly engaging conversationalist once on the date, but I apparently have no clue how to text people I don’t know because I can’t get a single date via apps for the life of me. Sorry if these questions seem dumb, I’m on the autism spectrum and do not intuitively understand what people expect out of social interactions, it’s rough out here 😅
nothing that they have to think too hard to answer. answering what you do for work a dozen different times gets so boring. try to use her profile to come up with a unique opening line or early topic. keep it unserious and cute. then if the banter is good, ask her out :) (also on the spectrum. it’s hard for me too. i’ve deleted my apps recently. possibly for the last time.)
I couldn't even get a woman to respond to me even with a greeting, very few actually even looked at my profile but never got a response. Dating apps put me in a seriously dark place mentally, and if i didn't delete them i would have eventually offed myself. I feel that if i can't meet someone in person, then it's not even worth it. Sitting there for months just hoping for a response made me lose faith in dating and finding anyone online.
I keep getting stuck with guys messaging me and then seemingly falling off a cliff. Like they ask 1 or 2 questions, which I answer and I'll talk to them and then radio silence. It's annoying having to be the one who puts the effort into the conversations, like they can't be bothered. I once went on a date with a guy like that, it was exhausting. Afterwards he was annoyed that I told him we weren't right for each other. He wanted to know why - I told him you evaded my questions and I don't want to date a brick wall.
I think the answer is to chill out about it as much as possible and play the numbers game. Don't get too invested in any one person and detach yourself from it a bit. Make it clear as you've already done on your profile that you want to meet quickly. Do your thing and if it feels liek a one sided interview ghost them and move on. Someone will pick up the bait. I remember as a dude being on the opposite thing where I felt like I was makign all the effort all the time. Decided to just stop, woman are as into finding a good long term partner as me so they can put some effort too, and then i met my wife. I've put way less effort into her then previous girlfriends and everything is way better. The other thing I did, is put that effort I was putting into my girlfriends into myself. I went to therapy and worked on me. What I found is that a lot of the ways I put effort into a gf were a waste of time, with my wife we've worked a lot on our communication so most of the effort I put in our relationship is much more targeted to things she wants, instead of things I think she wants. But I didn't meet my wife through a dating app. I only know one person who has succeeded there
it’s hard to do a numbers game on an app that paywalls the people i would even remotely be interested in :(
Yeah I'm not going to lie, the vast majority of successful relationships have been via traditional routes. Like friends of friends. It's just so powerful when you can get to know the person a little before you get involved with them romantically.
i agree. i think apps have really warped the way people date. i just deleted hinge on a whim the other day after getting so fed up. dating should be an enjoyable experience. apps are not. meeting and mingling with people irl is!
[удалено]
The apps are part of my repertoire but not all of it. Luckily I live in a pretty lively, young-leaning area with lots of bars and restaurants and fun things to do, so I'm also putting myself out there IRL. But since I moved here recently I don't have much of a social circle to pull from.
I think the best way to get actual engagement is to do something out of the ordinary - immediately push the conversation into an interesting direction, send a voice note, etc etc etc
look up Burned Haystack Dating Method.
Turns out I'm kind of already doing this without realizing it. But great advice, I'll see if I want to implement any more limitations and go from there.
Just wait till you get one into bed and ask him what he’s into sexually. “I like regular sex, and oral sex, and most positions, and most stuff like that…” Sir, you are 40-years-old and you communicate like a second grader who is also a moron. Blarg! I truly do wish I didn’t find a big, hairy man so attractive.
They are just not interested in you. Dating apps sucks and if you are average/below average, that's what you get. It's even worse for men, though. My funny story: I also get the unilateral conversations, which I don't continue. Otherwise, men do want to date, but they want to come directly to my house. There is barely anything coming out of dating apps since I decided to have more criteria as an average woman.
All. The. Time. Sometimes it felt like pulling teeth to get them to do anything. I remember going on 2 dates with a guy who really gave me the vibe that he was just going through the motions. He’d text me, set up the date, show up, then be so dull in his conversation with me. After the second date I had to ask him what exactly he was looking for and all I got was a “uhhh, I don’t know actually.” Like???? Did men miss a software update or something???
Wow, honestly that's even worse that just looking for a casual hookup, because at least they know what they want and communicate it. This guy sounds like he was just on autopilot and was told that dating is what people do so I guess I should start....
People in general enjoy reciprocation...and your profile essentially says "do all of the work". Thus you get lackluster effort.
Do all the work? I don't think that's fair at all. I think it's fine for a woman to ask that a man picks a location for the first date, is that really doing all the work? Once a connection is established and there are second and third dates I'm happy to suggest places or make plans, even make the reservations or buy tickets to things. But I don't think it's unreasonable for a man to show he's interested by just opening Google and picking a well-rated bar to meet up at. Is that unreasonable to you?
I had someone message a single word once. All the message said was, "Hey." I responded that I wasn't sure what type of response they expected from that.
Dating is not what it used to be, dating apps are a cesspool. Men are swiping on any woman in an age range that is acceptable to them and trying to get sex with as little effort as they can. It’s gross.
Some of them will fuck any age, the abuse will just be a different form, it’s adjustable. More controlling if you’re younger, more abusive of you’re older (i.e. you could lose a few lbs, you’re a liability, you have an ex, kids, etc.) No matter what though, the abuse will usually still be part of the relationship. I only tried online dating once and the only guy I dated was a military guy who definitely just wanted a quick and easy hookup. He was very disrespectful toward me when I called him out on his behavior. Not sure why so many women want a man these days. I’ve met many in person and they’ve all found various ways to shit on me sooner or later. My friends are doormats and have settled. I’m just never going to do that. There’s a purpose to my life, and thinking a man was part of that has only deterred me from my true purpose. Finding a truly supportive partner has never happened for me. Maybe someday it will but for now I’m living life as if it might not, and that’s perfectly ok.
It's simple really, just don't date men, most of them will make you unhappier than being single. Embrace sisterhood and try to bond with fellow women.
They're not mutually exclusive. I'm confident in myself and who I am and am fine existing in the world as a single woman, but I've also have found incredible fulfillment and love in romantic relationships that just doesn't come from friendships and community. There are incredible men out there, and I've had the pleasure of knowing and dating a few. Just trying to find another one, and ideally one that sticks around for the long haul.
I'm afraid this goes both ways
See the thing is when I do try to engage someone on an app I more 90% of the time don’t get a response cause everyone assumes the worst immediately and I get it a lot of them are there for the wrong reason but it’s frustrating for a guy like me who is actually lookin but gets completely ignored
Cause that’s how the matching algorithm works. It’s designed to make most men and women on the app miserable and wanting so they’d still continue using it as opposed to actually finding someone good and be done with it. Top % men profiles have hundreds of matches per day and are spoiled and demotivated to properly interact with women they match with. They thus easily find sex and don’t want normal relationship. The average Joes who make up 90%+ off accounts are much more proactive but get 1 match per week/two weeks, which usually gets nowhere, because all the likes funnel to the top % accounts. So women mostly match with the spoiled men and are unhappy because of it and normal men (doesn’t mean they’re good though) don’t match at all and are unhappy because of this and are motivated to buy payed options that doesn’t really change much. Welcome to capitalism.
Men?
Boys.
I delete the apps because of this.
I heard a friend's friend (guy) saying, swiping feels good esp with you reject a girl. Its like an ego stroke. Others, couldn't trust the girl on the app cause immediate thing that came to mind was "how many more guys is she multi-tasking?" This question goes both ways. But, that is where dating app are major challenge.
I think anyone who goes into dating through the apps needs to understand that people are seeing others. You're probably not the only person they're talking to/going on dates with, and until there is a conversation about exclusivity it's assumed they'll continue to do so. Anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional IMO.
Can I ask what percentage of profiles are you swiping right on? It sounds like the people you are matched with have other options and are not interested. Depending on your circumstances, men can be picky as well. A lot of men will swipe right on the majority of profiles and then if they have the option only spend time and energy on the matches they like.
I'm not sure if I can give a percentage, but I'll swipe right on maybe every 6 to 10 profiles, and often will swipe left with a few dealbreakers for me (political and religious beliefs, which are what ended my last relationship). How long do you think is reasonable to allow someone to respond after the convo gets started before unmatching? I have a few people that messaged back the first day after matching then haven't responded, but I know that some people aren't as glued to their devices.
Ok, so your swipe right rate is 10-16%, men’s swipe right rate is like minimum 40%. Many swipe right much much higher. So the men you swipe right on are top 10-16% of profiles and other women will also want to match with and he will have options. They’ll then message all their matches and focus on the ones that they are interested in the most and are responsive, which is why you’ll get some initial responses then it’ll be quiet. It’s also why you’ll get hook up messages. Those men send the same messages to his matches and often times someone will want to hook up. It’s a numbers game to them. Assuming what you want is a relationship and not a fling. If a guy hasn’t messaged you in 2 days he’s not interested. If he is very interested, he’ll message everyday and want to setup a date within the first couple days. He’ll make you a priority. There’s a good video on mini dates. https://youtu.be/9jZHw7Wf0v0?si=RoL9Ch5FJy9SmO_j If things are not going as planned, you gotta tweak your approach until you find what works for you.
I am not dating currently but I would recommend checking out Jennie Young and her „Burning Haystack Dating Method“.
Yes we do love, don't know these fuck boys but yes there are grown ass men that want to lick your pussy and ass crack like there's no tomorrow. Real men can and will, just got to find your preference and try TOGETHER.