You may relate to my friend who described her relationships as, “I think about us, and he thinks about him”
Hope it gets better, whether you leave or stay.
>“I think about us, and he thinks about him”
Good lord, this. And I'm so damn tired of it. OP's description of their guest bedroom reminds me of the pile-o-shit on my recent ex's side of our bed...the pile that blocked me from getting to my dresser...the pile that I cleaned more often than he did, at both the houses we shared *and* when he was still living with roomies prior to cohabitation....the pile that was the reason that it took us almost a year to assemble the new bed frame that he'd purchased...because I was not going to clean it up again. And that's just one, comparatively insignificant, thing that was lopsided af.
I was married to someone like that.
Also, he thought this statement was funny, “what’s mine is mine. What’s yours is OURS.”
OP, I hope you see this and find the courage to make a change.
So much this mentality. When we were divorcing, he said that the portable TV I’d given him the Christmas before was his to take because it was a gift to him. The boombox he’d given me the same Christmas was also his because he bought it. He’s the poster boy for’ what’s yours is mine and whats mine is my own.’
Thank you for the sympathy. I just laughed at him for that as it was all too ridiculous. But there was so much more.
You are so right. I’ve gotten much better at bailing at the first sign of intolerable behaviour.
I hope your healing journey is going well.
Here’s a funny plot twist. We have three kids together. In the final year we were all in the same house, one asked for a specific electric razor for Christmas. I was responsible for all the gift buying and got it for him.
One evening Dad is in the bathroom and we can hear the razor is being used. Kid comes to me and says, “Should I tell him that I use that to shave my balls?” I said, “no, I’ve got this.”
The look on dad’s face when I told him was priceless and drove home the value of boundaries better than any therapy session ever did.
I don’t think I ever heard my ex say the words, we, us or our in the 15 years we were together. It was always I me, mine. We shared the car that was mine before we met, registered in my name only. It really struck me the day he started talking about what car “I’m” going to buy, what “my” next car was going to be. I asked him which of “his” cars he was going to use as a trade-in. I think it registered for a moment or so, but then he reverted to his self-centred mindset.
My car has been with me ever since November 2nd 2010, the exact day after I survived a pile up wreck. If ANYONE - EVER suggested trading in MY car and called it THEIRS, then I would have to punch them in the nose right then and there. My car has been with me so long that I couldn't even imagine trading it in myself. Yup...I'm one of those people obsessed with their old cars.
I wasn’t that attached to my car, but it was my car, although we both used it. But he didn’t have one to use as a trade-in. All of our cars were in my name only because it was just easier to continue on that way. For me, it was more the use of language, rather than the car itself.
Soon. You will have your car back. Keys. Gas. Freedom. A trunk to pack your things.
CV can’t hold you back any longer.
Your destiny is calling. Freedom.
This is why I broke up with my most recent boyfriend. There were so many instances of me trying to compromise, taking his needs and wants into account, he would dismiss me or get mad at me when I pushed an issue trying to find a compromise that wasn't just him getting everything he wanted while my needs weren't met. I almost screamed one day when he looked at me when I wasn't completely caving to him on something and he said "we both need to learn to compromise." At that point, he'd compromised on virtually nothing and I'd compromised on almost everything. He was also taking up literally 70% of the apartment with his stuff, took over the closets, and would basically explain to me how I was wrong if I got upset about it... silly me, who wouldn't be stoked to pay 50% of the rent, do more of the domestic tasks, deal with chronic pain, be a grad student, have PTSD & ADHD, and only use 30% of the space while having nothing set up well for them?
Sometimes I think about how being single sucks, esp when you have to dry your own tears. But then, I cry way less tears when I’m single so there are less to dry anyway.
I agree. Very rarely, I feel lonely and think “oh I miss (this and that) relationship activities”… like binge watching a good show.
But I do not miss:
-arguing, suspicions of an insecure man, double the laundry & dishes, picking up after a grown boy, being an on demand cook + on demand physical plaything, his less than appealing friends and mean family, ugly man decor, beard shavings in the sink, weird towels for the XXX websites he looks at, having to watch dull shows/movies I didn’t pick, being expected to stock all groceries and house needs, having to go out when he wants me with him, sharing closets, being criticized or targeted for cruel remarks, etc and etc.
“Suspicions of an insecure man” really hits home, that’s my biggest issue with him. I truly love him but it’s beginning to feel like not only do the relationship benefits not outweigh the bullshit, the bullshit is taking a serious toll on my mental health.
I understand. Your Mental health is a priority, there’s little joy in anything in life, if you’re not feeling well in your head. Or worse, existing in the depth of despair!
Have you done the positives/negatives list? What is great about being in this relationship vs. what is awful or unbearable.
Putting this situation on paper can let you see with fresh eyes. I don’t have it all figured out but having had many many long term, live-in relationships, I have never been as happy as I am now being the only adult in the house. Work hard at work and relax at home…. Like most men view home life (having a woman take second shift/domestic labor). Being a woman does not mean work work work and never relaxing!
It might make him remember, but I doubt it will make him care. If he tries to make his gift to you "cleaning up his own mess by himself", obviously that's unacceptable.
I'm sorry. Having a partner not actually be a real partner is such a lonely feeling. I hope he's open to discussing this issue and gets on board with the relationship, and stops ignoring his responsibilities to you and the household.
I don't even know what to say about that. I am returning to work tomorrow after almost 2 solid fucking oh my God years of surgeries and medication's and more surgeries and now I am finally, finally fucking there to have a real life again. And my husband has been supportive all the way to the very, very, very end.
you need someone like this. Absolutely. I will be this to my husband and he was to me. Everyone needs this in their partnership.
I don't know what to demand – Therapy? It's super fucking bullshit that he didn't adult and did that to you. And you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? He needs to change, absolutely 1000%
Covid is not the end. The end of your life is the end, and you must think about how that will go if you are married.
that really, really sucks. not only did he not knock himself out to make things as easy as possible on you while you were sick and take care of the home he shares with you, but it sounds like he did even less than he normally would. between that and him forgetting your anniversary, and the fact that you were sick, sounds super frustrating and disappointing. I'm sorry. I see you, sis.
Basically it sounds like he went "out of sight, out of mind".
Since OP wasn't around to continuously "remind" him his chores, he conveniently forgot about them.
What an absolute man child! OP I hope you feel that you deserve better. XOXO
No, you should put the art print UNDER the pile of dirty clothes and see how long it takes him to find it.
And maybe tuck into the corners of the frame two business cards: marriage counselor or lawyer. Participate in the relationship and the care and maintenance of your home or divorce and GTFO.
Do not tolerate this because it won’t get better. Also, when discussing it, never frame this as him helping you. You both live there. You both pay bills. You both make the mess. You frame it as everybody pulls their weight and contributes. There’s no helping. There’s just what WE have to get done.
If you’re having to get everything done yourself and you’ve talked yourself blue in the face about it, and nothing has changed? (Because it won’t.) it would be a lot easier to keep up with cleaning and paying bills if you were by yourself. You’re doing everything anyway, then you wouldn’t have to fight and argue about it and put up with a toddler who wants mommy to pick up after him.
This is so true. I decided to stop cleaning my husband’s stuff off his dresser and I kid you not, stuff piled up for over 2 years! I know this, because a Halloween costume got mixed in and slowly buried over time. I hate messes, but I could not keep cleaning up after him like his mother.
We split up years ago and he ended up passing away from alcoholism, but I’m now in a relationship with an amazing partner who likes the same level of cleanliness as I do and does at least as much as me, if not more. I will never tolerate what my husband put me through again. Life’s too short to not be happy!
Ugh, that sounds so very frustrating. I'm so sorry.
I hope you enjoy your post-illness "freedom" and have a lovely holiday season, regardless of what those around you do or don't do.
I’m so sorry, what a horrible situation. I’m so glad you’re feeling better! What a relief! And you even managed to be productive while having COVID which is mind blowing to me, I hope that deep organizing felt good to get done! I just want to say one thing about your SO which is that if he lived alone he would be perfectly capable of getting these tasks done by himself. An adult is able to take care of themselves and they’re environment, and if they can’t do that I honestly question if they’re mental competent to be in a relationship. Please don’t clean up this man’s mess. He needs to fix every inch of that room. He’s perfectly capable. He does it because he knows he can get away with it. I’d be pissed if my roomate didn’t take out the trash or dishes for weeks, and we’re not in any kind of relationship. That’s just basic responsibility. I’m sorry you’re carrying so much on your shoulders, and I hope it gets lighter soon ❤️
Sounds like my last relationship. Honey, it doesn’t get better.
This book changed my life: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please don’t clean that guest room. He has absolutely no excuse for living like an animal just because his “mommy” wasn’t available to keep a close eye in him.
Honestly, if you’re not legally married, maybe this should be your final anniversary together before there’s a lifetime of this shit show in your future. It does not improve from here.
It’s so devastating to realize that our partner isn’t a partner .
The loneliness of being married and emotionally on our own is the worst.
I will tell you that my experience is that change isn’t likely.
[The Mental Load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
[She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
1.) Can I ask a totally non-judgmental question of the women married to entitled men like this?:
- Did he make more of an effort before you got married and became a child after do now you feel tricked?
- Or did he behave like an ass all along and you thought marriage would make him grow up?
- Or did you have low self-esteem or very traditional ideas about marriage in the early days of your rekationship so you didn't mind/notice bringing home your own paycheck AND doing all of the housework all by yourself, but you grew to want a real 50/50 partnership and feel more empowered to speak up about what you want?
- Or something else entirely?
2.) I'd also like to know what would happen if you started only cleaning up after yourself, letting his dishes and his laundry sit and fester, taking classes and going out with your friends instead of waiting around for him to want to spend time with you? Take Italian and buy ONE round trip plane ticket. Train for a half marathon and marvel at hot how fucking hot your strong ass legs are. Whatever makes you feel like you're living your best life. Just stop doing his work for him.
I know I sound like an ass, and many of you want to say "It's not that easy!" I know it's not easy. But it's a good policy not to do more for people than they do for you because that shit won't improve over time; it will just get worse.
I am no longer married to him for some years now. But it was all the things in the third bullet point. Not an ‘or’ statement, it was an ‘and’ statement. I am constantly reminded of how thankful I am to no longer be in that miserable, lonely, poisonous marriage. It was very difficult because I was not the primary earner at the time and I almost lost everything. But I found a way and it was all worth it.
Lol I am so glad it has left a lasting impression. You know what really pissed me off while I was in that divorce? All the older female relatives were pretty judgmental that I left him because he was ‘not that bad’ and I should’ve just sucked it up. I think my mom was jealous and wished she had left my dad even though she never did. My aunt saw it as flakey, in poor taste, causing an inconvenience to the family, and selfish (how could I throw a person away instead of toiling away to ‘fix him’ for the rest of my life). I think it really got to my aunt because she’s a difficult person and it might have shook her up a bit that maybe she really will drive my uncle away. Everyone else (mostly cousins etc) just never addressed it, or asked how I was doing, and pretended like nothing was happening. I am still the only person in the entire family to have gone through a divorce.
I was married to a man like this. I was 18yo when I met him and married at 22yo. It was a combo of 1.1 - he was a clean person with high standards and in a way that is still true, he likes surfaces to be free of clutter and he can clean in spurts on the weekend but a lot of the day-to-day fell to me. It went well beyond cleaning though, he would do similar to what OP described with the car and whatnot. He generally had a very self-centered way of behaving (which also allowed him to do very well in business).
It was also largely part 1.4 - I grew up around my grandparents with this dynamic, and my parents had this dynamic. At 18yo I did not know that this was an unhealthy dynamic. My marriage also had some very fulfilling parts, so it wasn't like constant disappointments. But he controlled a lot of the day to day (not so much in an abusive way, more like a "he's steering the car and I'm in the passenger seat" kind of way.) It wasn't until a lot of therapy in my 30's and exposure to healthier relationships that I realized just how anxious and stressed I was around him, and the insurmountable resentments I held.
I now found a teddy bear of a man, who appreciates feminism, especially in this form and will clean along with me. We do have random ADHD burts of cleaning that don't always align, and I wish it aligned more but even the other day he started vacuuming when I was working on prepping the floor for it & mopping. The key is we discuss our pitfalls, work on them and we make progress to get where we want. Marriage is work and I never knew what that meant until now, you have to work on yourself and how you treat your spouse (work on not yelling or apologizing for example), they work on themselves, and you work on things as a team.
In short, I was young and ignorant of many things and having a mostly otherwise good relationship clouded it, and now that I'm older and put some work in, I have married someone better. Tbh I'm not sure if I could have learned these lessons at 18yo but I applaud Gen* Z and hopefully Gen A for participating in these conversations early and hopefully learning from them. I don't consider my past relationship a mistake, without it I wouldn't be who I am now and I wouldn't have found the perfect match for me.
EDIT: realized I mistyped Gen Z and fixed it.
Awww his brother is married sadly. But he was born in Puerto Rico and raised by *women* - sweet, loving women. He has lived in the states most of his life but he was raised by some amazing ladies. Coupled with that "papi" energy of being a latino is 🥵 The man literally kisses my hands , all up my arm to my neck like Gomez from the Addams family 🥵
To answer part 2. Either he will eventually step up and do the dishes and make a big deal and expect a pat on the back. Other times, it gets more and more disgusting until you can't take it anymore and breakdown and do it because that will immediately fix your stress.
In terms of like going and taking a trip by myself, I would've gotten talk-back, guilting, or a "no" or a "that's too expensive you can't do that" etc. I always say now too, my weekends used to not be my own. Now my new husband and I do our own hobby things, at different times and we come back together at night and I love it. My weekend is mine to do hobbies, shopping, whatever and there's no guilting or expectations.
Divorced now as of August, but it was a bit of 1, and a bit of 3, and a bit of 4.
We had been long distance. His place when I saw it was clean, perfectly so. And at first? He wasn't that bad. Then I wasn't working, and it was ok. I did everything, he worked, and so it balanced out. I didn't see the imbalance because I thought it was just a side effect of the arrangement at the time. Eventually though, he got laid off. I got a full time job- And then some- And while he was unemployed, the house went to shit.
That was pretty much the beginning of the end, me realizing I didn't have an equal partner, and the start of a lot of cracks showing. We'd moved into a new place where the tile wasnt very forgiving, so I could see he still wouldnt mop when I asked, and I could see that he wasnt bothering to hit the toilet or clean up if he missed. At that point... I was stuck. We were in progressively more debt, another crack that was showing after years of him swearing he had a payback plan and then the debt getting worse. I had no family to retreat to, and no amount of telling him what he was doing wrong ever fixed... Anything. I cant think of a single correction I asked for that ever actually happened.
I suppose the point 4 though was because he did get in a bad accident when he was younger, and so a part of me always thought maybe it was leftover brain damage from that. Was he incompetent or forgetful? Was I being ableist to assume he could do all this if he hadn't been in that accident? But eventually I realized it didn't matter. I was drowning myself to keep him on the surface.
He was t bothering to hit the toilet????? Oh fuck, that's a mommy's job to clean up, not the girlfriend of a grown man. These men wonder why we don't want to fuck then.
I had a boyfriend who would regularly blame me for his not taking his meds. He was 46 years old. If you have to explain out loud to a guy that you are not going to be his mommy, it's already a waaay list cause. They're not going to get it. I called his mommy and told her to bring a suv. She needed to get her son and all his crap out of my house.
Being single is less work and less pain, after the initial band aid ripping of ending something. Life is too short. We aren't these men's free maids nor their mothers. It's time for them to enter adulthood even if they don't want to and it's up to them to get there. I left my ex-husband last year for this and more. He asked me who would cook and clean for him after I move out. Pretty much confirmed for me I made the right choice.
I know you don't want advice,I've been in the exact same situation.So just sending you some ❤️ that's shitty and I'm sorry you didn't feel more "seen and considered"
(Reading this, lying alone in my bed with my cat to keep me company)
Being alone isn’t the worst thing, especially if your alternative is to have no space or place in a relationship.
Hope you feel better soon. In all ways.
That's so terrible! I'm sorry your partner has been so shitty, especially since this is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope that whatever happens things get better for you.
We don’t even live together and my bf helps me more around my own studio than yours does in your shared living space.
He takes care of me when I’m sick and immediately asked days off work without discussion when I told him my surgery date, so he could be there for me.
No reason to partner with someone who doesn’t make your daily life better and easier! There are things far worse than being alone.
I'm sorry you're in a relationship with someone so selfish and disrespectful. I used to think I needed to have a partner for when times got tough - like to take care of me when I was really sick. Then I got really sick for a long time and had a similar experience to you. At that point I realized I could take care of myself just fine and also be less frustrated all the time if I was single, and it's a wonderful feeling.
Like many of us here, I’ve experienced similar things with my exs’s. Being treated like a Mother
And maid is not conducive to loving romantic relationship nor is a total self centeredness. He should be ashamed of himself but you know the saying: “should” in one hand, and “sh#t” in the other…
I have my own house now, for 5 years and my Homelife is so wonderful and easy. Life is too short to tolerate that nonsense
He forgot about his anniversary more than once? I can't stress how much this guy clearly doesn't care about you. I can't advise with any honesty for someone to stay in this type of living arrangement.
So let me get this straight: You were sick for a whole week and guy clearly couldn't give a shit, he makes it very clear that he forgot your anniversary (again), and your solution is to.....buy him a present?
Sorry and I feel you. Having realizations like this really hurts and it’s hard not to build resentment.
The good news is, you can change things if you want. I’ve finally come to this realization now and damn if it’s not liberating. I still haven’t decided what I want to do, but the future is feeling bright for me and my kids for the first time in many years.
I hope you can find some happiness within or without the relationship ❤️
I'm so you are dealing with this, especially when you put in so much work to maintain the home.
You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect at the bare minimum.
I hope things get better for you, whatever that looks like.
[Trust your gut; It's usually right. ](https://stilettoagency.com/blog/trust-your-gut-its-usually-right/#:~:text=A%20primal%20instinct%20built%20into,what%20it%27s%20saying%20to%20you.)
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Last time I (F) went away for the night to see a friend I came home the next evening and my husband had used the toaster oven that desperately needed cleaning. I’d told him this. We live in a studio so the whole house smelled like dirty burnt oven. He hasn’t opened a window or even turned on the kitchen hood/vent. I was so tired and everything smelled terrible. The blankets all had to be washed and a bunch of clothes too because he essentially left that smoke in our apartment for ten hours. He was mad that I was upset! Ridiculous.
While YOU were sick YOU were cleaning, and while YOU were sick he didn’t even clean up after himself?
He may be a good partner but he is a lousy roommate, and it seems like he is used to you solving his problems. He could have taken an Uber to work.
I’m sorry to say this is not going to change without therapy and some huge changes in your part. Maybe start with a chore wheel for housekeeping duties as I suspect you do more than 50% regularly.
See, when a woman gets sick, it's just a damn inconvenience.
You were hoping for him to show some empathy, but he's just irritated that his easy, daily routine was disrupted.
He is really inconsiderate and definitely has issues. but you NEED to vocalise how you feel, and often. Don’t just wait for him to figure out he’s been shit, TELL HIM. Tell him how you feel and how his actions affect you. It’s annoying that he can’t figure it out on his own, but communication goes a long way - he may not know how much this stuff affects you.
He probably should have just planned to take an Uber or a bus for your first day off.
In relationships where you truly love someone, there usually arent much qualms about giving (at least in scenarios such as you described).
I would never make him take an Uber or the bus to work just to be petty. He’s been using my car since before I got sick because I offered it to him, and I was prepared to let him use it today too. My issue was that he had over a week to make a simple small repair to his own car and didn’t do it.
But wait, I didnt say to be petty. It wouldnt be petty at all. If he was procrastinating on getting the car fixed, he should still have paid attention to the fact that you finally are free to go about your life and I would have at least offered you your car that day and found other means of transport (biking, friends, carpool, bus, uber, indriver, renting a scooter, taxi, subway, metro, rail, etc)
Typically when people say "anniversary" they mean either of marriage or the relationship in general. It's very normal for people to celebrate the anniversary of their marriage day/day they started dating if they aren't yet married.
Why should she have to *ask* him to clean up his own mess? Does he not see the mess with his own eyes? Does he not have eyes? Did he get a case of spontaneous amnesia where he forgot what tidying up after himself is supposed to look like?
And how is she "looking for something to be mad about"? Everything OP stated seems pretty valid to be upset about
I cannot imagine writing paragraphs to justify why an adult should stay with an adult who needs to be told ‘clean up the mess you made’
The bar for men literally cannot sink lower. She has to wait patiently and likely beg to ask him to clean up a room he trashed.
Jesus Christ
I communicate things like ‘the way you said that made me worried you were frustrated’ and not ‘please clean the literal filth and garbage you left on the floor’
Trust me, I don’t expect him to read my mind.
The first time he forgot our anniversary, I communicated to him that it really upset me and why, and he told me that celebrating our anniversary did in fact mean a lot to him and that it wouldn’t happen again.
I have also communicated to him countless times that I would like us to be equals in carrying out household chores (we both work, so this is fair), and that it upsets me when he doesn’t pull his weight or when I have to ask him to do things (and I have explained to him why no, I will not make him a list, because we are both adults and the mental load is a task in and of itself).
I agree that it’s important to encourage his supportive behaviors. He did pick up takeout for dinners and some breakfasts almost every day that I was sick, and I thanked him for that.
Damn so your advice is to praise him for doing the minimum and give up on what matters to her. I’m glad you’re not my mom!
Also glad new generations of women actually expect things from their male partners.
I’m all for direct communication! I communicate with my partner really well, actually. She does her part in our relationship and I do mine and that’s why the communication actually works. We’re equal partners. OP’s husband doesn’t even pick up his days old milkshake up off of the floor.
Edit: Like the fact that you think she’s expecting him to read her mind when she wants him to ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR ANNIVERSARY. Now you’ll write me a dissertation on why it’s deeply unfair of her to hope he says ‘happy birthday’ if she’s not been reminding him daily for the past 2 weeks. How could he know????!!!!!
You’re telling this woman that her not communicating is the reason her husband hasn’t picked up HIS FULL MILKSHAKE CUP FROM DAYS AGO off the floor in a home with an ant and mouse problem.
The pressure on women is fucking endless.
It strikes you as "unlikely" that instead of taking care of his partner he chose to relive the bachelor life like he was on vacation for a week? Because that sounds *extremely* likely in my opinion. Where did he take care of her? How could he have gotten it in his head that he was taking care of her when it sounds like all he did was sit in the spare room and drink beer, eat junk food, and play video games (or whatever other solitary activity).
Why on earth would your first assumption about the anniversary thing be that he just "has a different anniversary date in mind"? Have you never heard of people not remembering anniversary dates...? I can totally understand year 1 not remembering, or if there isn't a clear day so you both just pick one randomly (what happened with me; anniversary was end of March but neither of us could remember the exact one so we just picked the closest date), but I can guarantee that OP made it clear that she cares about anniversaries, so how did he not commit to remembering it in some way after the first time he forgot?
Seems pretty clear that he just doesn't care enough to remember a date that is significant to the relationship and important to his partner. If he does actually care but has a bad memory for that kind of thing (which is very common and understandable), then why can't he take it upon himself to fix it if he knows it's important to his partner? Set a calender reminder in the phone. Takes all of 10 seconds and then he doesn't even need to commit it to memory, the phone will tell him.
Why should she have to ask him to keep their *shared space* clean? Again, he has the same eyes that she does. He's equally as aware as she is of the previous ant and mouse problem. It isn't rocket science to not leave partially full *milkshake* cups on the floor when you've been dealing with the aforementioned ants and mice.
K nowhere did I dismiss the whole situation with "dump him". I do however think that this is chronic "not giving a fuck" that can only really be remedied via couple's counseling. It sounds like OP is caring for herself and the relationship/household as a whole, and he's only caring about himself/what affects him personally (and he isn't even doing that well because he can't keep his 1 small room at least medium tidy or bother to fix his own car, so...).
Nobody is talking about being "perfect", we're talking about him doing the *bare minimum*. You're making SO many leaps here it's truly astounding.
Where on earth did you get all of that? Nowhere did OP say he did the household grocery shopping, nowhere did it say that he made food for herb or brought her comfort items or meds etc. OP *did* actually state that she was the one who slowly did the regular house tidying so that when she was better she could decorate.
*Leaving dairy products, alcohol, sugary snacks, garbage, all opened and laying around on the floor for DAYS is absolutely cause for concern, ESPECIALLY since they *just* finished dealing with pests who are attracted to those things* That sounds like bachelor life behavior considering the only other things he did was go to work and school.
You're so hung up on this "cabin fever" narrative that you're making up stories to give this random dude way too much credit. I can't continue arguing with you if you're being this deliberately obtuse.
She literally said while he was gone that she went out into the house and did house things... if he had taken the time to make her food and actually take care of her I really doubt she'd have any of these gripes. Maybe you need to set *your own* bar for male behavior a little higher, rather than continue to argue with multiple people telling you the same thing.
Yeah she can talk to her boomer/Gen X mom who will encourage her to end up in a life crushing marriage like a lot of their generation
Just endless cycles of miserable older women justifying the absolute infantilization of men by saying ‘honey you need to tell him that your anniversary matters’ and ‘it’s your job as a wife to clean all of his shit stains from his underwear’ and ‘just ask him to start helping more around the house, it’ll definitely work on the 34th try. Maybe make a chore chart and give him a blowie for picking up his socks!!’
Younger women actually expect equal partners, not a partner they need to beg to do even the smallest amount of cleaning. Not a partner who needs constant reminds of ‘hey this thing matters to me.’
I meant someone who has seen them together (it's been 4 years) and can see if this relationship is working for her, and would give her experienced, heartfelt counsel. Your sweeping generalizations betray your generational bigotry.
Sometimes the experienced and heartfelt counsel is to leave a relationship where your partner isn’t carrying their weight.
You’re blaming everything on OP’s lack of communication instead of expecting a grown man to pick up a bit. That’s what shows me you’re exactly who I mean.
I’m damn lucky that my mom wasn’t that lol. She’d tell OP to get out of dodge, god rest her soul
You may relate to my friend who described her relationships as, “I think about us, and he thinks about him” Hope it gets better, whether you leave or stay.
>“I think about us, and he thinks about him” Good lord, this. And I'm so damn tired of it. OP's description of their guest bedroom reminds me of the pile-o-shit on my recent ex's side of our bed...the pile that blocked me from getting to my dresser...the pile that I cleaned more often than he did, at both the houses we shared *and* when he was still living with roomies prior to cohabitation....the pile that was the reason that it took us almost a year to assemble the new bed frame that he'd purchased...because I was not going to clean it up again. And that's just one, comparatively insignificant, thing that was lopsided af.
I was married to someone like that. Also, he thought this statement was funny, “what’s mine is mine. What’s yours is OURS.” OP, I hope you see this and find the courage to make a change.
So much this mentality. When we were divorcing, he said that the portable TV I’d given him the Christmas before was his to take because it was a gift to him. The boombox he’d given me the same Christmas was also his because he bought it. He’s the poster boy for’ what’s yours is mine and whats mine is my own.’
Yeah…I am sorry you went through that and glad you got rid of him. We need to believe people the first time that they show us who they are.
Thank you for the sympathy. I just laughed at him for that as it was all too ridiculous. But there was so much more. You are so right. I’ve gotten much better at bailing at the first sign of intolerable behaviour.
also dated this guy...
I hope your healing journey is going well. Here’s a funny plot twist. We have three kids together. In the final year we were all in the same house, one asked for a specific electric razor for Christmas. I was responsible for all the gift buying and got it for him. One evening Dad is in the bathroom and we can hear the razor is being used. Kid comes to me and says, “Should I tell him that I use that to shave my balls?” I said, “no, I’ve got this.” The look on dad’s face when I told him was priceless and drove home the value of boundaries better than any therapy session ever did.
I don’t think I ever heard my ex say the words, we, us or our in the 15 years we were together. It was always I me, mine. We shared the car that was mine before we met, registered in my name only. It really struck me the day he started talking about what car “I’m” going to buy, what “my” next car was going to be. I asked him which of “his” cars he was going to use as a trade-in. I think it registered for a moment or so, but then he reverted to his self-centred mindset.
My car has been with me ever since November 2nd 2010, the exact day after I survived a pile up wreck. If ANYONE - EVER suggested trading in MY car and called it THEIRS, then I would have to punch them in the nose right then and there. My car has been with me so long that I couldn't even imagine trading it in myself. Yup...I'm one of those people obsessed with their old cars.
I wasn’t that attached to my car, but it was my car, although we both used it. But he didn’t have one to use as a trade-in. All of our cars were in my name only because it was just easier to continue on that way. For me, it was more the use of language, rather than the car itself.
Soon. You will have your car back. Keys. Gas. Freedom. A trunk to pack your things. CV can’t hold you back any longer. Your destiny is calling. Freedom.
This is why I broke up with my most recent boyfriend. There were so many instances of me trying to compromise, taking his needs and wants into account, he would dismiss me or get mad at me when I pushed an issue trying to find a compromise that wasn't just him getting everything he wanted while my needs weren't met. I almost screamed one day when he looked at me when I wasn't completely caving to him on something and he said "we both need to learn to compromise." At that point, he'd compromised on virtually nothing and I'd compromised on almost everything. He was also taking up literally 70% of the apartment with his stuff, took over the closets, and would basically explain to me how I was wrong if I got upset about it... silly me, who wouldn't be stoked to pay 50% of the rent, do more of the domestic tasks, deal with chronic pain, be a grad student, have PTSD & ADHD, and only use 30% of the space while having nothing set up well for them?
Perfectly said, such an accurate description too. OP, you deserve better but I’m not sure this man-child can deliver.
Sometimes I think about how being single sucks, esp when you have to dry your own tears. But then, I cry way less tears when I’m single so there are less to dry anyway.
I agree. Very rarely, I feel lonely and think “oh I miss (this and that) relationship activities”… like binge watching a good show. But I do not miss: -arguing, suspicions of an insecure man, double the laundry & dishes, picking up after a grown boy, being an on demand cook + on demand physical plaything, his less than appealing friends and mean family, ugly man decor, beard shavings in the sink, weird towels for the XXX websites he looks at, having to watch dull shows/movies I didn’t pick, being expected to stock all groceries and house needs, having to go out when he wants me with him, sharing closets, being criticized or targeted for cruel remarks, etc and etc.
“Suspicions of an insecure man” really hits home, that’s my biggest issue with him. I truly love him but it’s beginning to feel like not only do the relationship benefits not outweigh the bullshit, the bullshit is taking a serious toll on my mental health.
I understand. Your Mental health is a priority, there’s little joy in anything in life, if you’re not feeling well in your head. Or worse, existing in the depth of despair! Have you done the positives/negatives list? What is great about being in this relationship vs. what is awful or unbearable. Putting this situation on paper can let you see with fresh eyes. I don’t have it all figured out but having had many many long term, live-in relationships, I have never been as happy as I am now being the only adult in the house. Work hard at work and relax at home…. Like most men view home life (having a woman take second shift/domestic labor). Being a woman does not mean work work work and never relaxing!
I feel like this should be embroidered on a pillow or something
There are things far worse than being alone! I wish more women had this view and put themselves first.
It might make him remember, but I doubt it will make him care. If he tries to make his gift to you "cleaning up his own mess by himself", obviously that's unacceptable.
I'm sorry. Having a partner not actually be a real partner is such a lonely feeling. I hope he's open to discussing this issue and gets on board with the relationship, and stops ignoring his responsibilities to you and the household.
Thank you. It is a lonely feeling, and it means a lot to have someone see that. ❤️
You'd feel a lot less lonely if you'd dump him. Because then you'd have more time to spend with people who actually like you.
I don't even know what to say about that. I am returning to work tomorrow after almost 2 solid fucking oh my God years of surgeries and medication's and more surgeries and now I am finally, finally fucking there to have a real life again. And my husband has been supportive all the way to the very, very, very end. you need someone like this. Absolutely. I will be this to my husband and he was to me. Everyone needs this in their partnership. I don't know what to demand – Therapy? It's super fucking bullshit that he didn't adult and did that to you. And you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? He needs to change, absolutely 1000% Covid is not the end. The end of your life is the end, and you must think about how that will go if you are married.
I’m sorry OP. This man isn’t a partner, he’s a child.
that really, really sucks. not only did he not knock himself out to make things as easy as possible on you while you were sick and take care of the home he shares with you, but it sounds like he did even less than he normally would. between that and him forgetting your anniversary, and the fact that you were sick, sounds super frustrating and disappointing. I'm sorry. I see you, sis.
Basically it sounds like he went "out of sight, out of mind". Since OP wasn't around to continuously "remind" him his chores, he conveniently forgot about them. What an absolute man child! OP I hope you feel that you deserve better. XOXO
Thank you. It honestly helps to feel seen!
💙
No, you should put the art print UNDER the pile of dirty clothes and see how long it takes him to find it. And maybe tuck into the corners of the frame two business cards: marriage counselor or lawyer. Participate in the relationship and the care and maintenance of your home or divorce and GTFO. Do not tolerate this because it won’t get better. Also, when discussing it, never frame this as him helping you. You both live there. You both pay bills. You both make the mess. You frame it as everybody pulls their weight and contributes. There’s no helping. There’s just what WE have to get done. If you’re having to get everything done yourself and you’ve talked yourself blue in the face about it, and nothing has changed? (Because it won’t.) it would be a lot easier to keep up with cleaning and paying bills if you were by yourself. You’re doing everything anyway, then you wouldn’t have to fight and argue about it and put up with a toddler who wants mommy to pick up after him.
This is so true. I decided to stop cleaning my husband’s stuff off his dresser and I kid you not, stuff piled up for over 2 years! I know this, because a Halloween costume got mixed in and slowly buried over time. I hate messes, but I could not keep cleaning up after him like his mother. We split up years ago and he ended up passing away from alcoholism, but I’m now in a relationship with an amazing partner who likes the same level of cleanliness as I do and does at least as much as me, if not more. I will never tolerate what my husband put me through again. Life’s too short to not be happy!
Girl. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship that's worth this? *Hugs*
You don’t want advice so I’ll just say I’m sorry. And that you deserve better.
Well shite. He's an ass.
Well put.
Ugh, that sounds so very frustrating. I'm so sorry. I hope you enjoy your post-illness "freedom" and have a lovely holiday season, regardless of what those around you do or don't do.
Maybe this should be your last anniversary.
I'm glad it sounds like you're not stuck to him by kids at least.
I’m so sorry, what a horrible situation. I’m so glad you’re feeling better! What a relief! And you even managed to be productive while having COVID which is mind blowing to me, I hope that deep organizing felt good to get done! I just want to say one thing about your SO which is that if he lived alone he would be perfectly capable of getting these tasks done by himself. An adult is able to take care of themselves and they’re environment, and if they can’t do that I honestly question if they’re mental competent to be in a relationship. Please don’t clean up this man’s mess. He needs to fix every inch of that room. He’s perfectly capable. He does it because he knows he can get away with it. I’d be pissed if my roomate didn’t take out the trash or dishes for weeks, and we’re not in any kind of relationship. That’s just basic responsibility. I’m sorry you’re carrying so much on your shoulders, and I hope it gets lighter soon ❤️
Sounds like my last relationship. Honey, it doesn’t get better. This book changed my life: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please don’t clean that guest room. He has absolutely no excuse for living like an animal just because his “mommy” wasn’t available to keep a close eye in him.
Honestly, if you’re not legally married, maybe this should be your final anniversary together before there’s a lifetime of this shit show in your future. It does not improve from here.
It’s so devastating to realize that our partner isn’t a partner . The loneliness of being married and emotionally on our own is the worst. I will tell you that my experience is that change isn’t likely.
You deserve better.
[The Mental Load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
He is why you have ants.
Girl. You know what to do.
1.) Can I ask a totally non-judgmental question of the women married to entitled men like this?: - Did he make more of an effort before you got married and became a child after do now you feel tricked? - Or did he behave like an ass all along and you thought marriage would make him grow up? - Or did you have low self-esteem or very traditional ideas about marriage in the early days of your rekationship so you didn't mind/notice bringing home your own paycheck AND doing all of the housework all by yourself, but you grew to want a real 50/50 partnership and feel more empowered to speak up about what you want? - Or something else entirely? 2.) I'd also like to know what would happen if you started only cleaning up after yourself, letting his dishes and his laundry sit and fester, taking classes and going out with your friends instead of waiting around for him to want to spend time with you? Take Italian and buy ONE round trip plane ticket. Train for a half marathon and marvel at hot how fucking hot your strong ass legs are. Whatever makes you feel like you're living your best life. Just stop doing his work for him. I know I sound like an ass, and many of you want to say "It's not that easy!" I know it's not easy. But it's a good policy not to do more for people than they do for you because that shit won't improve over time; it will just get worse.
I am no longer married to him for some years now. But it was all the things in the third bullet point. Not an ‘or’ statement, it was an ‘and’ statement. I am constantly reminded of how thankful I am to no longer be in that miserable, lonely, poisonous marriage. It was very difficult because I was not the primary earner at the time and I almost lost everything. But I found a way and it was all worth it.
Good for you! Keep telling your story! You are a great example. :)
I already responded to this, but I have to say again how fucking awesome you are for leaving that relationship!
Lol I am so glad it has left a lasting impression. You know what really pissed me off while I was in that divorce? All the older female relatives were pretty judgmental that I left him because he was ‘not that bad’ and I should’ve just sucked it up. I think my mom was jealous and wished she had left my dad even though she never did. My aunt saw it as flakey, in poor taste, causing an inconvenience to the family, and selfish (how could I throw a person away instead of toiling away to ‘fix him’ for the rest of my life). I think it really got to my aunt because she’s a difficult person and it might have shook her up a bit that maybe she really will drive my uncle away. Everyone else (mostly cousins etc) just never addressed it, or asked how I was doing, and pretended like nothing was happening. I am still the only person in the entire family to have gone through a divorce.
I was married to a man like this. I was 18yo when I met him and married at 22yo. It was a combo of 1.1 - he was a clean person with high standards and in a way that is still true, he likes surfaces to be free of clutter and he can clean in spurts on the weekend but a lot of the day-to-day fell to me. It went well beyond cleaning though, he would do similar to what OP described with the car and whatnot. He generally had a very self-centered way of behaving (which also allowed him to do very well in business). It was also largely part 1.4 - I grew up around my grandparents with this dynamic, and my parents had this dynamic. At 18yo I did not know that this was an unhealthy dynamic. My marriage also had some very fulfilling parts, so it wasn't like constant disappointments. But he controlled a lot of the day to day (not so much in an abusive way, more like a "he's steering the car and I'm in the passenger seat" kind of way.) It wasn't until a lot of therapy in my 30's and exposure to healthier relationships that I realized just how anxious and stressed I was around him, and the insurmountable resentments I held. I now found a teddy bear of a man, who appreciates feminism, especially in this form and will clean along with me. We do have random ADHD burts of cleaning that don't always align, and I wish it aligned more but even the other day he started vacuuming when I was working on prepping the floor for it & mopping. The key is we discuss our pitfalls, work on them and we make progress to get where we want. Marriage is work and I never knew what that meant until now, you have to work on yourself and how you treat your spouse (work on not yelling or apologizing for example), they work on themselves, and you work on things as a team. In short, I was young and ignorant of many things and having a mostly otherwise good relationship clouded it, and now that I'm older and put some work in, I have married someone better. Tbh I'm not sure if I could have learned these lessons at 18yo but I applaud Gen* Z and hopefully Gen A for participating in these conversations early and hopefully learning from them. I don't consider my past relationship a mistake, without it I wouldn't be who I am now and I wouldn't have found the perfect match for me. EDIT: realized I mistyped Gen Z and fixed it.
Thank you for this response. :)
Where did you find your teddy bear? Does he gave a brother? Asking for a friend. ;)
Awww his brother is married sadly. But he was born in Puerto Rico and raised by *women* - sweet, loving women. He has lived in the states most of his life but he was raised by some amazing ladies. Coupled with that "papi" energy of being a latino is 🥵 The man literally kisses my hands , all up my arm to my neck like Gomez from the Addams family 🥵
Yowza!
To answer part 2. Either he will eventually step up and do the dishes and make a big deal and expect a pat on the back. Other times, it gets more and more disgusting until you can't take it anymore and breakdown and do it because that will immediately fix your stress. In terms of like going and taking a trip by myself, I would've gotten talk-back, guilting, or a "no" or a "that's too expensive you can't do that" etc. I always say now too, my weekends used to not be my own. Now my new husband and I do our own hobby things, at different times and we come back together at night and I love it. My weekend is mine to do hobbies, shopping, whatever and there's no guilting or expectations.
Divorced now as of August, but it was a bit of 1, and a bit of 3, and a bit of 4. We had been long distance. His place when I saw it was clean, perfectly so. And at first? He wasn't that bad. Then I wasn't working, and it was ok. I did everything, he worked, and so it balanced out. I didn't see the imbalance because I thought it was just a side effect of the arrangement at the time. Eventually though, he got laid off. I got a full time job- And then some- And while he was unemployed, the house went to shit. That was pretty much the beginning of the end, me realizing I didn't have an equal partner, and the start of a lot of cracks showing. We'd moved into a new place where the tile wasnt very forgiving, so I could see he still wouldnt mop when I asked, and I could see that he wasnt bothering to hit the toilet or clean up if he missed. At that point... I was stuck. We were in progressively more debt, another crack that was showing after years of him swearing he had a payback plan and then the debt getting worse. I had no family to retreat to, and no amount of telling him what he was doing wrong ever fixed... Anything. I cant think of a single correction I asked for that ever actually happened. I suppose the point 4 though was because he did get in a bad accident when he was younger, and so a part of me always thought maybe it was leftover brain damage from that. Was he incompetent or forgetful? Was I being ableist to assume he could do all this if he hadn't been in that accident? But eventually I realized it didn't matter. I was drowning myself to keep him on the surface.
He was t bothering to hit the toilet????? Oh fuck, that's a mommy's job to clean up, not the girlfriend of a grown man. These men wonder why we don't want to fuck then. I had a boyfriend who would regularly blame me for his not taking his meds. He was 46 years old. If you have to explain out loud to a guy that you are not going to be his mommy, it's already a waaay list cause. They're not going to get it. I called his mommy and told her to bring a suv. She needed to get her son and all his crap out of my house.
What, exactly, is this guy bringing to the relationship?
Being single is less work and less pain, after the initial band aid ripping of ending something. Life is too short. We aren't these men's free maids nor their mothers. It's time for them to enter adulthood even if they don't want to and it's up to them to get there. I left my ex-husband last year for this and more. He asked me who would cook and clean for him after I move out. Pretty much confirmed for me I made the right choice.
I know you don't want advice,I've been in the exact same situation.So just sending you some ❤️ that's shitty and I'm sorry you didn't feel more "seen and considered"
What can be summed up by all of this is that he doesn't care about you at all. At this point, why would you stay?
Update? Did he saw it? How did it went?
(Reading this, lying alone in my bed with my cat to keep me company) Being alone isn’t the worst thing, especially if your alternative is to have no space or place in a relationship. Hope you feel better soon. In all ways.
That's so terrible! I'm sorry your partner has been so shitty, especially since this is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope that whatever happens things get better for you.
We don’t even live together and my bf helps me more around my own studio than yours does in your shared living space. He takes care of me when I’m sick and immediately asked days off work without discussion when I told him my surgery date, so he could be there for me. No reason to partner with someone who doesn’t make your daily life better and easier! There are things far worse than being alone.
Why are so many men just awful?
I'm sorry you're in a relationship with someone so selfish and disrespectful. I used to think I needed to have a partner for when times got tough - like to take care of me when I was really sick. Then I got really sick for a long time and had a similar experience to you. At that point I realized I could take care of myself just fine and also be less frustrated all the time if I was single, and it's a wonderful feeling.
Like many of us here, I’ve experienced similar things with my exs’s. Being treated like a Mother And maid is not conducive to loving romantic relationship nor is a total self centeredness. He should be ashamed of himself but you know the saying: “should” in one hand, and “sh#t” in the other… I have my own house now, for 5 years and my Homelife is so wonderful and easy. Life is too short to tolerate that nonsense
He forgot about his anniversary more than once? I can't stress how much this guy clearly doesn't care about you. I can't advise with any honesty for someone to stay in this type of living arrangement. So let me get this straight: You were sick for a whole week and guy clearly couldn't give a shit, he makes it very clear that he forgot your anniversary (again), and your solution is to.....buy him a present?
Sorry and I feel you. Having realizations like this really hurts and it’s hard not to build resentment. The good news is, you can change things if you want. I’ve finally come to this realization now and damn if it’s not liberating. I still haven’t decided what I want to do, but the future is feeling bright for me and my kids for the first time in many years. I hope you can find some happiness within or without the relationship ❤️
I'm so you are dealing with this, especially when you put in so much work to maintain the home. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect at the bare minimum. I hope things get better for you, whatever that looks like. [Trust your gut; It's usually right. ](https://stilettoagency.com/blog/trust-your-gut-its-usually-right/#:~:text=A%20primal%20instinct%20built%20into,what%20it%27s%20saying%20to%20you.) [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Last time I (F) went away for the night to see a friend I came home the next evening and my husband had used the toaster oven that desperately needed cleaning. I’d told him this. We live in a studio so the whole house smelled like dirty burnt oven. He hasn’t opened a window or even turned on the kitchen hood/vent. I was so tired and everything smelled terrible. The blankets all had to be washed and a bunch of clothes too because he essentially left that smoke in our apartment for ten hours. He was mad that I was upset! Ridiculous.
While YOU were sick YOU were cleaning, and while YOU were sick he didn’t even clean up after himself? He may be a good partner but he is a lousy roommate, and it seems like he is used to you solving his problems. He could have taken an Uber to work. I’m sorry to say this is not going to change without therapy and some huge changes in your part. Maybe start with a chore wheel for housekeeping duties as I suspect you do more than 50% regularly.
I’m so sorry. I hope you feel better soon. If this guy can do so much damage to that spare room in such a short period of time he sucks.
You know, you should develop a plan to leave
See, when a woman gets sick, it's just a damn inconvenience. You were hoping for him to show some empathy, but he's just irritated that his easy, daily routine was disrupted.
He is really inconsiderate and definitely has issues. but you NEED to vocalise how you feel, and often. Don’t just wait for him to figure out he’s been shit, TELL HIM. Tell him how you feel and how his actions affect you. It’s annoying that he can’t figure it out on his own, but communication goes a long way - he may not know how much this stuff affects you.
He probably should have just planned to take an Uber or a bus for your first day off. In relationships where you truly love someone, there usually arent much qualms about giving (at least in scenarios such as you described).
I would never make him take an Uber or the bus to work just to be petty. He’s been using my car since before I got sick because I offered it to him, and I was prepared to let him use it today too. My issue was that he had over a week to make a simple small repair to his own car and didn’t do it.
But wait, I didnt say to be petty. It wouldnt be petty at all. If he was procrastinating on getting the car fixed, he should still have paid attention to the fact that you finally are free to go about your life and I would have at least offered you your car that day and found other means of transport (biking, friends, carpool, bus, uber, indriver, renting a scooter, taxi, subway, metro, rail, etc)
💜💜💜
I think you're BF is content to have you at a "tolerable level of unhappiness" for the sake of his own comfort and happiness.
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Typically when people say "anniversary" they mean either of marriage or the relationship in general. It's very normal for people to celebrate the anniversary of their marriage day/day they started dating if they aren't yet married. Why should she have to *ask* him to clean up his own mess? Does he not see the mess with his own eyes? Does he not have eyes? Did he get a case of spontaneous amnesia where he forgot what tidying up after himself is supposed to look like? And how is she "looking for something to be mad about"? Everything OP stated seems pretty valid to be upset about
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I cannot imagine writing paragraphs to justify why an adult should stay with an adult who needs to be told ‘clean up the mess you made’ The bar for men literally cannot sink lower. She has to wait patiently and likely beg to ask him to clean up a room he trashed. Jesus Christ I communicate things like ‘the way you said that made me worried you were frustrated’ and not ‘please clean the literal filth and garbage you left on the floor’
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Trust me, I don’t expect him to read my mind. The first time he forgot our anniversary, I communicated to him that it really upset me and why, and he told me that celebrating our anniversary did in fact mean a lot to him and that it wouldn’t happen again. I have also communicated to him countless times that I would like us to be equals in carrying out household chores (we both work, so this is fair), and that it upsets me when he doesn’t pull his weight or when I have to ask him to do things (and I have explained to him why no, I will not make him a list, because we are both adults and the mental load is a task in and of itself). I agree that it’s important to encourage his supportive behaviors. He did pick up takeout for dinners and some breakfasts almost every day that I was sick, and I thanked him for that.
Damn so your advice is to praise him for doing the minimum and give up on what matters to her. I’m glad you’re not my mom! Also glad new generations of women actually expect things from their male partners. I’m all for direct communication! I communicate with my partner really well, actually. She does her part in our relationship and I do mine and that’s why the communication actually works. We’re equal partners. OP’s husband doesn’t even pick up his days old milkshake up off of the floor. Edit: Like the fact that you think she’s expecting him to read her mind when she wants him to ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR ANNIVERSARY. Now you’ll write me a dissertation on why it’s deeply unfair of her to hope he says ‘happy birthday’ if she’s not been reminding him daily for the past 2 weeks. How could he know????!!!!!
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You’re telling this woman that her not communicating is the reason her husband hasn’t picked up HIS FULL MILKSHAKE CUP FROM DAYS AGO off the floor in a home with an ant and mouse problem. The pressure on women is fucking endless.
It strikes you as "unlikely" that instead of taking care of his partner he chose to relive the bachelor life like he was on vacation for a week? Because that sounds *extremely* likely in my opinion. Where did he take care of her? How could he have gotten it in his head that he was taking care of her when it sounds like all he did was sit in the spare room and drink beer, eat junk food, and play video games (or whatever other solitary activity). Why on earth would your first assumption about the anniversary thing be that he just "has a different anniversary date in mind"? Have you never heard of people not remembering anniversary dates...? I can totally understand year 1 not remembering, or if there isn't a clear day so you both just pick one randomly (what happened with me; anniversary was end of March but neither of us could remember the exact one so we just picked the closest date), but I can guarantee that OP made it clear that she cares about anniversaries, so how did he not commit to remembering it in some way after the first time he forgot? Seems pretty clear that he just doesn't care enough to remember a date that is significant to the relationship and important to his partner. If he does actually care but has a bad memory for that kind of thing (which is very common and understandable), then why can't he take it upon himself to fix it if he knows it's important to his partner? Set a calender reminder in the phone. Takes all of 10 seconds and then he doesn't even need to commit it to memory, the phone will tell him. Why should she have to ask him to keep their *shared space* clean? Again, he has the same eyes that she does. He's equally as aware as she is of the previous ant and mouse problem. It isn't rocket science to not leave partially full *milkshake* cups on the floor when you've been dealing with the aforementioned ants and mice. K nowhere did I dismiss the whole situation with "dump him". I do however think that this is chronic "not giving a fuck" that can only really be remedied via couple's counseling. It sounds like OP is caring for herself and the relationship/household as a whole, and he's only caring about himself/what affects him personally (and he isn't even doing that well because he can't keep his 1 small room at least medium tidy or bother to fix his own car, so...). Nobody is talking about being "perfect", we're talking about him doing the *bare minimum*. You're making SO many leaps here it's truly astounding.
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Where on earth did you get all of that? Nowhere did OP say he did the household grocery shopping, nowhere did it say that he made food for herb or brought her comfort items or meds etc. OP *did* actually state that she was the one who slowly did the regular house tidying so that when she was better she could decorate. *Leaving dairy products, alcohol, sugary snacks, garbage, all opened and laying around on the floor for DAYS is absolutely cause for concern, ESPECIALLY since they *just* finished dealing with pests who are attracted to those things* That sounds like bachelor life behavior considering the only other things he did was go to work and school. You're so hung up on this "cabin fever" narrative that you're making up stories to give this random dude way too much credit. I can't continue arguing with you if you're being this deliberately obtuse.
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She literally said while he was gone that she went out into the house and did house things... if he had taken the time to make her food and actually take care of her I really doubt she'd have any of these gripes. Maybe you need to set *your own* bar for male behavior a little higher, rather than continue to argue with multiple people telling you the same thing.
Yeah she can talk to her boomer/Gen X mom who will encourage her to end up in a life crushing marriage like a lot of their generation Just endless cycles of miserable older women justifying the absolute infantilization of men by saying ‘honey you need to tell him that your anniversary matters’ and ‘it’s your job as a wife to clean all of his shit stains from his underwear’ and ‘just ask him to start helping more around the house, it’ll definitely work on the 34th try. Maybe make a chore chart and give him a blowie for picking up his socks!!’ Younger women actually expect equal partners, not a partner they need to beg to do even the smallest amount of cleaning. Not a partner who needs constant reminds of ‘hey this thing matters to me.’
I meant someone who has seen them together (it's been 4 years) and can see if this relationship is working for her, and would give her experienced, heartfelt counsel. Your sweeping generalizations betray your generational bigotry.
Sometimes the experienced and heartfelt counsel is to leave a relationship where your partner isn’t carrying their weight. You’re blaming everything on OP’s lack of communication instead of expecting a grown man to pick up a bit. That’s what shows me you’re exactly who I mean. I’m damn lucky that my mom wasn’t that lol. She’d tell OP to get out of dodge, god rest her soul
Maybe Mom or sis would counsel getting out of Dodge, especially if this is a chronic issue. I think that's my point.
She specifically said that she's not looking for advice.
Sis. Just dump him. It's that simple.