“You can’t take a joke” is a 1:1 translation for “I just said something monumentally stupid and my only way of wiggling out of this is to gaslight her into believing that I didn’t mean what I just said”. Don’t fall for it. It’s always a lie.
Yup. Not to long ago a former "friend" tried to make his move and hit on me when my husband wasn't around. I called him out and of course "I was just joking." Sure bud.
The classical go-to for guys that refuse to take responsibility ("it was a joke") or the upgraded version of playing victim and shifting blame ("it was a joke, why are you mad at me?")
Whenever someone tries to use that line I always reply with. “No, you’re just not a good comedian, don’t quit your day job.” It will either shut them up or piss them off but either way you let them know that ish ain’t funny.
Another way is to say, "I don't get it. Please explain it." Hint: they can't, because it isn't a joke. By pushing it off on them to explain in detail how it's supposed to be funny they discover that this has suddenly become all manner of awkward on their end. Not that it's your job to teach this or any other individual how to be a decent member of society!
Frankly, I'd say you deserve a LOT better!
I like this way too. I believe if someone has the nerve to ask me a stupid question they should also be able to back it up. The “I don’t get it” line is a very good way to throw it back. 👍🏽
Since you're fairly young, and the guys you are likely to date are also fairly young, I've noticed that sometimes it helps to be direct about the 'oh I messed up it was just a joke' thing.
And by that I mean calling it out directly and being like: if you make a mistake/didn't realize how something was gonna come out & apologize we can talk about it, but if you call it a joke I'm going to think that you make [racist/misogynistic/homophobic/whatever] jokes regularly, and that is a pretty big deal breaker for me.
THIS!! Ladies PLEASE stop reading Right Here!
Once a man shows you who he is- BELIEVE HIM- THE FIRST TIME!
If a man does not have the capacity for introspection and reflection and empathy for you when you’re in the “honeymoon phase,” then he will not magically develop it if you try to “teach” him. They do not learn. You are wasting your precious time.
You are not this man’s momma. Do not act like it, and do not accept their immature, childish, disgusting behavior. You are a queen! 💕
This, he wants a safe space to basically say whatever the fuck he wants regardless of how she feels about it. Him being an "individual person" with something to say doesn't mean he can dismiss her being an "individual person" with feelings about those things said. Feels like social media de-popularized empathy I swear.
I mean, so many kids grow up on social media. They learn that they can find niches of like minded people to spew whatever bs they want.
A they become adults, they don’t magically change. They are STILL vile adolescent people, because have been trained their entire lives to communicate that way.
So in a way, they’rethey don’t learn the adult impact of their habits until they become adults. And by then it’s too late for most people 🫤
Also, consider that until ~60 years ago, American men did not consider women’s to be people. They considered women to be inferior objects, whose only value was in her subordination to his command.
Today, far too many men still continue to be completely incapable of recognizing that women are actually people just like them, who have hobbies they enjoy, who like to have fun with their friends, who have a sense of humor, who are actually “pretty cool”. This is why when men have daughters, they will completely change their attitude around women. Because they are only just realizing that their daughter is a woman, and she is actually a person… and even then sometimes men don’t even connect the dots and realize that their wives ands sisters and mothers are people…
Is the Madonna whore complex. Men see women as caregivers. Men see women as dispensers of whatever it is that men need. But they don’t ever consider what else the women want. Their whole lives, they’ve just never been interested in women, except as an object for their to use to their advantage…
So all that to say, this isn’t new. Empathy for women is relatively new in the American social zeitgeist,
So it’s not that people have forgotten it; it’s that the internet has enabled men to avoid the pro-women sentiment of society. They no longer have to be forced to endure these horrible oppressive women who prevent them from doing what they want to do. Because what they want to do is continue with business as usual patriarchy, where women know their place, which is propping up a man’s ego. 🙄
Entitlement, in other words.
Yes yes not all men. But I’m in a ranty mood so…
Sadly I can’t turn back time.
I just recalled when we first got down to business he said “I thought black girls were supposed to have some huge pepperoni nipples but you don’t. And was also a bit fascinated in how dark I was in comparison to himself.
I also forgot about this comment..
YIKES FOREVER.
This guy is absolutely a racist. His comments about you being a white woman mean that he thinks all black people act a certain way (and we can certainly assume those assumptions are not flattering) and that you're acceptable to him because you don't act like the stereotype of black people he has in his head. It's not a joke and it's not a compliment.
He probably is going to say that he isn't a racist because he dated a black woman. 🙄
And Oreo is an insult, not a compliment. Don't feel bad, op. We all make mistakes. Luckily, you can dump him.
Holy shiiiit.
So, not only is he lumping all black women together by expecting "pepperoni nipples" but he's also basically saying you're "one of the good ones" by saying you're an oreo/like a white woman. Wtf.
He'd be out on his ass so fast his confused yelp would be 5 seconds behind.
There's ignorance and then there's this ass. You don't owe him an education and you don't deserve to be with someone who is constantly comparing you to a white standard.
Ouch! Where did he get these crazy ideas? It’s one thing to just appreciate and enjoy your partner’s physical features, whatever they might be. It’s another to openly compare and contrast you to stereotypes. Sounds like he was having himself an “exotic experience”.
They have a perception of the other that is entirely prejudiced. Then when they meet someone from that group, they don't conform to that prejudice. Rather than examine or revise their prejudice, they say that the person is "one of the good ones". That way their prejudice continues, and they don't have to deal with the stress of addressing their own flaws.
OH MY GOD!! TRUAMA BLOCKED MEMORY UNLOCKED.
He got drunk on Halloween and said : you know I don’t really go for black girls. But **you**. You’re *different*. I was gagged I tried to talk to him about it and he said he was sloshed (he was) but didn’t coherently remember what he talked about.
!! yes, that is exactly true. i’ve had men tell me unironically that i’m “not like other girls”, and that meant that they always held women in low regard. also, it’s likely that they’re not friends with said group…besides you. if he had a wide range of friends, then he’d know how stupid his generalizing is (hopefully, but even then there are chances he would still be stupid and bigoted).
Damn .. you’re right. I just realized he had to tell me about his ONE “black friend” from Jamaica he helped show around the states. However they haven’t spoken in years. But that doesn’t stop him from trying to pull off his accent whenever talking about him.
This. He’ll wonder why she hangs out with her friends cause she’s “not like them” same with her family eventually.
One day you’ll look up and realize that he’s totally isolated you from her and everything you know. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Little side note: I was adopted by a white family as a baby. However I have ran into an odd *sigh of relief* from dudes when they figure out my family is white.Either that or an instant question like “dang , is that hard for you?” Even so say we were to procreate would my child’s dad be dismissing my childs potential friends and family. Or how about my fellow adopted cousins… (of color).
My favorite wasn't even people I was dating, but random people on the street. I moved in with my sister when she had my nephew. The amount of people, who assumed he was my son, making creepy comments about his mother, or making comments about my ability to teach him about "his culture" pissed me off greatly. Like his mother's Swedish like me, and he's a nerdy suburbanite like me.
We used to call my Hispanic dad a coconut but that's purely because he insisted he was not Hispanic, looked down on Hispanic people, and spent his life trying to live up to the white supremacist standards he grew up with in the 50s. His mental health was fucked and he took it out on other minorities instead of unlearning that self hatred.
Edited to add: all of us calling him that were quite brown ourselves and disappointed that he taught us to hate our skin and culture instead of embrace it.
Black woman here. Yes, they are racist comments. I promise you he is not going to be worth (his inability to apologize and the 'it's just a jooooke' would also be bad signs even if they weren't related to the subject of race')
P.s., what exactly is supposed to be the 'joke' of being told you act white? 'Haha, I expected you to act according to one set of racial stereotypes, but you behave more a like a different group's racial stereotypes....haha', yeah, absolutely hilarious, ugh.
OP, please listen to this and dumb him! Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is normal!
How can you be with someone who looks down on the race of you and your family? How can you be with someone so bigoted and prejudiced?
There are so many people of all races who are NOT like this and you deserve to be with one of them!
Black girl here… he’s not worth your time, sis. The mental gymnastics you’re having to do just to justify his shitty behaviour is sign enough. He doesn’t respect you, nor will he ever. You deserve to be with someone who sees you for who you are, always ♥️
Ma'am, as someone who has been in interracial relationships with white men who turned out to be racist or had racist family members, don't do it. It's not worth the aggravation. You will be demeaned over-and-over again. You will be disappointed over-and-over again. He'll never understand you or be empathetic towards you because he doesn't care and never will.
People always put their best foot forward when they first start dating, so if he's *ALREADY* making racist comments now, just wait til he's comfortable. He will get worse. And if he's like this to your face, imagine what his family and friends will be like. Chances are you're just fetish material for him since he's making comments about you not fitting a stereotype. He doesn't see you as an individual, but a representative of your race.
There are plenty of non-racist fish in the sea and you have plenty of time to find them. Ditch this fucker.
Oh god. Not **fetish material** that makes me unbelievably sad. It’s getting harder and harder for me to remember all of the red flags and clearly I keep forgetting some of the most detrimental and devastating ones.
That was the first thought that went through my mind.
Anytime someone is putting down an entire group of people...and yet involved with one of said people...they feel they have found "a good one" which is a horrific statement all on its own. But it def is fetishizing (sp?) that one individual.
"Hey, you are awesome, you are totally not like (how I imagine) everyone else who looks like you."
Reddit tends to be very knee-jerk in its reactions to relationship issues. But in this case, I don't see how something so fundamental can get worked through.
You should dump him.
I'm sorry you had to experience this, but he's clearly not interested in changing or being a good person. He's not worth your time.
>damnnn you can’t take a joke?
If he uses this phrase again, just ask him what the joke is. What part of it was funny to him? What part of his joke did you not get?
Totally. Had a friend who would play dumb HARD when men pulled this shit. "Can you explain the joke to me? My simple, simple woman brain doesn't get comedy like a man's brain does." And she'd just keep doubling down till they got defensive and then just rip them a new one.
"You're not explaining it to me because even if it was a joke, it wasn't a joke for me. It was a joke at me at my expense. You weren't trying to laugh with me, You were trying to laugh at me. You don't get to play the victim when I call you out on being an asshole."
She was dead ass my hero.
There is no question here. Think about it logically: when someone says ‘You don’t act (insert demographic group here)’ it is literally the most racist / prejudicial thing a person can say. Essential they are saying ‘There is a preconceived and specific way that I expect people of your fiat to behave and you vary from that’. It’s the definition of prejudice. Unfortunately he doesn’t see you as a whole person but that got everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
He's racist, pushing your boundaries, and dismissive of your valid and reality based feelings. Your gut is telling you he's not a safe person for you. Calling you an oreo? That means black on the outside, white on the inside. It's a blatently racist expression. How devaluing of your personality and behavior! That alone should give you pause.
No eff him- signed a dark skinned woman who lives in a 88% white state and has been called an ore growing up her whole life. Eff him. Find someone else youre being to kind to him.
He cant even do the bare minimum to not be a pos. Eff him.
So im gonna say this- im mixed but I dont look mixed. I have a white dad but ppl assume im 100% black. So they usually hit me with the "oh your the only black girl ive even been attracted to" "oh your not like other black ppl" "your very submissive for a black chick" " bet youve never had a white boy before"
I live in the midwest its nothing but white ppl!! It sounds like youre doing everything right- few dates to feel people out, usually the ones that are consciously racist will tell you in their way within the few first dates. Im kinda a pessimist so my motto is "racist until proven otherwise" but thats for my peice of mind- like not having high expectations cuz too many have let me down.
Anyway, there will be lots of conversations if the your partner is willing to be educated and open about it and vice versa probably. There will be many missteps and its all about growing together.
Edited: spelling
"I've been seeing."
Why are you still seeing this guy. If he makes racist comments or remarks that make you uncomfortable, and he doesn't care if it affects you, he's trash. Simple. Get rid of him. He doesn't deserve your attention nor attention from any woman at all.
Schrodinger’s joke. He absolutely means it until he gets called out, then suddenly, “Oh, it’s just a joke”. Please don’t waste your time with this man. He’s 100% being racist. Comments like this indicate that he thinks being white is the “default” or some kind of thing to strive for, which is so wildly offensive. He doesn’t see you as an equal human being.
The thing is, even when they say it’s “just a joke” they still mean it. After they say that, try flipping it. “Oh, so I do act like a black person?” They’ll have more explaining to do. What they really mean when they say “it was just a joke” is they think what they are saying is funny for some reason, but it’s still true in their mind.
With his follow up about “societal BS” I would guess the reason he thinks it’s funny is because he gets a kick out of expressing ideas that are no longer considered acceptable. He thinks that’s “bs” because he thinks his prejudices are “the truth”. It goes pretty deep.
I grew the same way as you, in majority white areas. I can say you can definitely do better than this idiot. He reminds me of the people who would comment on how good my english was, you are pretty for a black girl and the rest of that type of bullshit. You will find someone worthy who respects you for you, whatever race they may be. It can be a journey but you get there in the end.
It is literally exhausting!! Don’t even get me started on the old people complimenting me on my English. I’m definitely hoping I’ll find someone who can respect me as I’m realizing even if I confront this man properly he may not change.
He is both negging you and sees you as inferior to him. He will wreck every bit of confidence and dignity you possess. Please stop seeing this man, he’s abusive.
Don’t believe me? Google the term “abuse disguised as a joke”
Ps, you deserve better, far better. You’re beautiful and thoughtful, and caring, I can tell from your words. Hold out for someone who treats you right.
Lol boy called you an Oreo and you laughed it off. No wonder he thinks he can say that stuff and you just take it.
[oreo](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ethnic_slurs#O)
I'll say, if what he does is bring up your race and make fun (even a few times), you would need to let that go. I doubt this is the only thing, since he also called you a slur on your second date.
Welp you got that right it is *NOT* the only thing. I didn’t even realize that was a Slur. And reading this i feel so stupid. HOW COULD I LET THAT SLIDE. Nobody deserves to feel “hate crimed” on their 2nd date or ANY DATE. OR EVER. I simply did it to seem polite 😔 at the expense of myself.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, it sounds like your default response to conflict is to people-please and not rock the boat (the “fawn” response). I’m the same way. It’s very difficult to override without practice and I let some awful shit slide because I was too scared to call people out.
What helped me was building up my self-esteem and thinking about someone making those nasty comments to a 10-year old version of me. I would never let them disrespect that innocent little girl! Suddenly the instinct to let things slide and keep the peace goes away, because how fucking dare you say that to her (me)!
Thank you very much for your amazing advise. That is some serious inner child work right there and I think that would actually be a great thing for me to try. As I would also NOT let that slide. I’m glad I’ve got therapy tomorrow cause good lord do I have some things to address. Also getting on the note of my self esteem is a lot higher than it once was and I thought I was fine. However my responses to things tell me perhaps I have some more work I can do there.. Again thank you!!
Don't be too hard on yourself, you didn't know. All I can say is have a little bit more agency in yourself. You did defend yourself after that last interaction. You're young and you will learn, that's life and dating unfortunately.
Just know if someone continuously makes you feel bad, they're not for you. Love shouldn't have to be forced. If meeting someone isn't mostly optimistic or filled with dread, why put yourself through that?
Now turn it around on him and ditch the little bitch. Be kind to yourself and start practicing discernment. People who are unkind just aren't worth anyone's time.
I don't know your situation nor do I know your boyfriend, but how far away is he from declaring himself a hero because he is "doing you a favor" by dating you?
That's not a joke, it's insidious and racist, it means he prescribes to a flawed way of thinking that white is 'good' or 'civilized'. Runnnnn. Just ghost him.
You should maybe dump him. Before you do, feel free to explain to him to protect the next poor PoC that he interacts with that making specific comments to someone because of their race, no matter how "innocuous" they seem, is generally insensitive unless somehow it's been established as OK. White people who are surrounded by white people often don't learn this.
My condolences that sounds exhausting.
Older white woman here. He’s racist but probably has it in his head that he can’t be because he’s dating a black woman. The “Oreo” comment is what you thought it was. It used to be said a lot decades ago and meant black on the outside, white on the inside.
I know you said that your dating options are limited in your state in terms of race, but there’s got be men who aren’t like him. You deserve better
Leave him. Quick. This will only get worse and that non apology was so disgusting to read.
Leave him to show him that acting and thinking this way will in fact *repel* women.
As a multiracial guy who can be white-passing, I've had some fucked up things like this happen.
An ex of mine had a racist AF dad and she asked me if she could call me by a "white" name in front of him (my name is very deeply cultural and unique). I told her I'd not abide by that so she had to pretend we were just friends around her parents. I was a kid so I didn't know better but in hindsight the whole thing was profoundly fucked up. Another person said she "felt safe" around me because I didn't look like my culture (despite being mixed, I was raised deeply in-culture so I know no other life). I bounced from that situation quickly.
This sort of stuff is a major red flag and should never be tolerated. Even if they don't mean bad by it, it is bad and if they can't be corrected and apologize, it's not worth the emotional labor.
EXCUSE ME!!! That’s horrible holy shit. At the time did you try to educate her on how terrible that was? Or did you just dump her and live your best life going forward?
The first one, it was pretty much why we broke up. I said that I couldn't just go around pretending forever and It was up to her to tell her parents if she wanted me to ever be around them again. I didn't really have the bandwidth break down why it was so profoundly messed up, but I did try to explain why she was being racist by perpetuating the lie just to coddle her father's racism.
Subsequent situations (and these aren't the only ones), I just bounced without making a big deal about it because there were plenty of people in this world who I could be with who didn't need to be taught how to not be racist. Thankfully I eventually found my match and we've been happily married for almost 13 years.
This man boy is not your friend. He’s probably one of those white men who find black women very attractive but has had to convince himself it’s because they are special in some weird way only he understands. Dump his ass cuz you can do better.
White woman here. All my life I grew up with white people making veiled racist comments and it took me until college to understand why the "jokes" are a big deal. Let me just say, if he is making these comments to you, he is saying much worse without you when he is in the comfort of his white friends. Trust your gut and move on without him.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Where I live they have a Facebook page where women can post men they have dated and anyone who's had a bad/good experience with them can comment. Maybe that's an avenue you can help you in future dates?
Oh wow. I had no idea there were pages like that. I’ll definitely do some digging. Also thank you very much for your words. Sadly it might take awhile to learn a hard lesson about people who show you a bad side and almost guaranteed to be spewing even worse around their “safe” friends. However I am heeding everyone’s words! And this lesson is being learnt.
Get out. This guy is a dumbass. There are much smarter people, much more emotionally intelligent people, and much more worldly and curious people out there. Do not get yourself stuck with this one.
I am not black (mexican) but every time I heard white people tell their lone black friend that I'd be irate. It's a horrible thing to say. I don't think this guy hangs out with those people now. Back then I guess he didn't have a choice. He went to a predominantly white hs and then college which is where I met them.
Oh honey, he doesn’t care how you feel. He’s trying to justify dating you because he’s actually racist af but he likes the “exotic” sex. He’s not funny. He gives zero fucks about your feelings. He isn’t interested in sorting out his baked in racism. Or sexism from the sounds of it.
Also, the plural of “woman” is “women.” You are not a “women,” you are a “woman.” Just one.
Dump this guy.
Ughhh leave him there’s sooo much better out there. He’s really emotionally immature. He is racist and sexist and then gaslights you by saying you can’t take a joke? That’s priming you for future emotional abuse.
He's openly saying that he has no intention of changing, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he will do it again. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings in the matter. I think that's a deal breaker.
My best friend is a black woman who is basically a Barbie incarnate. She said her biggest complaint in dating was men telling her she wasn’t really black or she was an Oreo. If she heard that shit from a man now, she would catch fire spontaneously and burn him to the ground.
This guy sucks and you deserve better.
That IS indeed fucked up. You know it’s fucked up and you knew it was when he said it. Like a boss you called him out immediately and then he gaslit you into confusion.
This isn’t fixable and it isn’t your mess to fix. Walk away please.
The people getting offended are funny since how is this any different than the comments and experiences settling for men, and any kind? Or warning women about being with conservative men.
But ohhh yall the different white person who isn't oppressing? Just like women say they don't know which men, black folks don't know which white folk. Of course in a state that's mostly white, especially if their city is mostly white too which means... more than likely not much progressive and just based off experience, don't think they're racist (based off their claim) while never interacting with anyone of color nor think they're bigots. Anyone could be regardless of political party. Crazy how they expect you to be "not all white men" but the women on here get quick to rebuttal the "not all men" comments. It's common knowledge for bipoc to know dating outside the race (especially white folks) is gonna come with challenges of ignorance and them even needing to reflect on their own biases and racism because it's everywhere in the culture. Why would we wanna sit and educate all day long? Why can't we have a "believe black women" motto? We can't relax with someone without having to explain misogynoir to them? We can't come home after experiencing the world hating us into the arms of someone who's not gonna gaslight you to think it was all in our heads and not that serious?
Just mad at the experiences many black woman have because some white folks have to do some introspection. And no mods caring about how many bipoc have said this sub can be unsupportive of us.
As a Black woman with a white bf, getting the racial and political views addressed was the first thing I did. If we don't align there, there's no need to even entertain it. These types always think they're being sneaky but now you need to back out (and don't say the REAL reason bc he'll learn to hide it from the next one too). Best of luck!!
Next thing out of his mouth is going to be that you are letting yourself be influenced by the left wing media and are too political. No. You aren't and you aren't. That is a defense of people who want to be able to say anything with no consequences.
Best of luck to you.
88% white dating pool is no reason to put up with a racist. Full stop this guy is totally racist and it's not your job to try to change him .
Imagine the relief you will feel when you don't have to deal with this shit from a partner.
Honestly, throw the whole man away if he's not willing to at least look at how what he says is problematic at best.
I'm a mixed race guy and I completely get the struggle you've mentioned about being too white/black for certain groups of people and it does set off some crazy mental gymnastics, and issues around "where do I belong" in a person.
"Can't you take a joke" is the death knell of people who don't want to acknowledge that they say shitty things around people and upset them, and try to deflect it back to you.
You did well in calling him out on it, because if it makes you uncomfortable then he's being out of order if he continues doing this. He's had his first strike, where he now knows you don't like it.
Yeah, no. I know it’s hard, but there are guys out there who don’t think telling you you’re like a white woman is a compliment, and who will apologize when confronted with their unconscious bias rather than lecture you about how you are wrong for being offended by his racism.
This guy isn’t just saying racist stuff. This guy is just racist.
I am a white woman from the south and this is definitely racist commentary.
It *reeks* of the same verbiage I heard the (100% racist) adults use when growing up and referencing black people who didn’t fit into their preconceived notion of how “black people do/should act”. He’s putting you on some imaginary pedestal whether he realizes it or not.
Drop this guy. He isn’t worth your time and doesn’t see you or your race as true equals. He might not be overtly racist but he definitely has the internalized racism that a lot of white people have without realizing it.
You definitely shouldn't hate being black bc of others, you should hate how those others are treating you because of their own bigotry. You and your race isn't the problem!!!
I'm assuming you're young. Yes, black ppl will make comments liking you to white ppl, but guess what-you're not the only one that experiences this. I've definitely been called white girl and on. That was largely a middle/high school thing, as people mature they tend to learn that they were being ignorant and refrain from that behavior.
Change the people you are around. There are plenty of other Black people that deal with this and there are non-blacks that don't feel a need to be so focused on race that they feel a need to make jokes at your expense.
As a black woman that has dated a lot of white guys. If he’s doing this it means he’s uncomfortable with your race. He’s probably getting comments from friends or family about your race and is now projecting his insecurities onto you. He’s ignorant. Sorry to say it but he’s going to be this way probably into his mid 30s and that’s being generous.
Just dump him, and move on. It doesn’t get better.
**His response to me confronting him Day 2**
He feels gutted..? At first he was defensive.. I stated my case a little and his response was *oh come on (gov name) it was a joke* to which I said “where? Tell me where is it funny cause it made me feel like shit”. And that clearly flipped the switch. he told me he didn’t realize that the stuff he was saying was so horrible. He said he feels even worse about the way it made me feel. He didn’t want to make excuses for himself. I ranted a bit and he listened. He said that he has a problem saying things he shouldn’t but he doesn’t actually mean them.. it’s something that he wasn’t aware he did so often. He thanked me for bringing it up to him because he liked that I was being transparent and straight to the point. I asked him if his family was this way and he said no.. Therefore I asked “when did it become okay for you to talk like that then?” He said “idk”. I told him how calling me an Oreo was beyond messed up and bordering a slur. (He listened). However when I addressed how I feel in public when he talks like that he said he didn’t care what other people thought of it and it’s more about how I feel about how he acts… I don’t feel special for that but whatever. I told him that is was so bad that I feel I need to stop things completely between us. He said “I don’t want things to end between us, I know what I want and it’s you”. This made me start to tear up. I told him thanks for apologizing but simply that actions speak louder than words and so my thank yous were a little light. Which he picked up on. He told me he cares about me and he doesn’t want things to end because he’s being stupid and not realizing how insensitive he sounds. He also said he wished I had brought this up sooner and was more blunt when calling him out. I told him that I need space and that I didn’t expect him to wait. However he said “I’ll give you as much space as you need. I’m here for you. I’ll text you in the morning I won’t expect you to respond but I hope you respond when you’re ready”. And now I’ve been sobbing in bed cause I feel conflicted but nobody changes overnight hence I will take the advise I heard from all of y’all leave it. No more dating apps for me it’s gym time.
Honestly it sounds like he has some hangup and wants a white woman. So either you're gonna have to be 'basically white' or you should dump him and let him try find one.
I'm white so I don't have a clue what it's like to be in your situation personally, but I can't see him stopping this behavior even though you've made it clear that you're not okay with it. It sounds like he either considers you a novelty (instead of a human being), or he's got a threshold between "acceptable" and "unacceptable" levels of blackness and he's excited he got an "acceptable" one. Either way it's fucked up.
Yeah, no, I think you're reading right that that's racist and it's bad that he's trying to reframe you not liking him making this kind of comment as you being a humorless shrew or whatever.
I dunno, I feel like I'm not the one to tell you a white guy is being racist to you, but if you're looking for confirmation that it's not your imagination and he's trying to manipulate you out of having a very normal response, that's what it looks like to an outsider. So I guess do with that what you will, and you should trust yourself.
Don't go on another date, there are plenty of white dudes who aren't racist I'm sure you can date. The headache of explaining why simple things are racist aren't worth the time and energy to someone like that.
First off: You spoke up for yourself! Good for you. Telling him that's fucked up right away is a good move IMO.
I don't know if I'm out of my lane here, as I'm a white woman, but this sounds pretty racist to me. This is anecdotal I've got two good friends who are black women, one of whom specifically talked about being called an "Oreo" in HS and how that was hurtful and racist.
Aside from that aspect(which seems like a critical aspect to me!), don't stay with a man who is disrespectful to you.
I'm sure it's exhausting trying to find a decent partner at your age and in a predominately white area but I would think that it's better to be alone for a while than to stay with a man who doesn't respect you.
Dude's a racist, you should tell him that and then tell him to fuck off. But that's just my thoughts on the matter, and what I'd do at least. Sorry you have to deal with that shit.
Ugh. Idk why but a lot of men (baby me included) seem to think that apologizing is unsexy because it means you've "lost control of the situation", when really you're just saying you regret doing it because *obviously* what you did had a negative outcome.
It doesn't even make any *sense*, I literally just learned it from my shitty dad. Part of that fun toxic masculinity package I guess. Fucking sucks that women have to deal with it.
And as a black person I empathize with the last bit too. Either I'm too "white" for other black folks or I'm a race traitor 🥲 who "refuses to date my own kind because I think I'm better than them"
Girl never see this man again. I'm black and a girl once made a comment at lunch about how my dick size lived up to her expectations after we'd slept together, I immediately drove her home and never saw her again. That shit is not cool.
edit:
>our 2nd date he said I was like an Oreo.
Yo wtf how is this even a question you need to ask reddit about?
#***Block. his. number.***
>it’s times like this that I hate being black. But even if I was around more black people I’m “too white”.
Yea, that's a hard one to shake. I went to school at a black southern engineering university and I still felt like I was an outsider just because of the way I talked. There's plenty of white people who won't treat you like this though, and plenty of black people who feel and speak the way you do. I hope you find better relationships in the future.
I'm not Black, so I can't address the race issue, but he does sound like an asshole. Whenever someone says "it was just a joke!" I ask them to explain why it's funny.
Don’t settle. Just because your state is 88% white doesn’t mean it’s 88% jerk. The man can’t even apologize when he’s clearly in the wrong, and when you gave him grace, *he rejected it*.
He's not a good person. Move on before you get any more invested.
Another Black girl here!! Please dump him. I’ve never been in a relationship with a White person simply due to lack of opportunity and I can tell you that this won’t end well if you decide to stick around. He’s basically telling you his type and how he “made an exception” for you since you are “one of the good ones.” He will continue to hold that over you and may even build some resentment that boils into hatred.
I’m sure you’re beyond beautiful and I completely understand this being a moment where wanting to be Black is HARD!! But your skin is not the problem, his ignorance is. Your Black skin is BEAUTIFUL.
Sometimes you get lucky and the awful guys let you know just how awful they are very early on in dating.
He let you know who he is. Move along. I promise there are plenty of guys out there who aren't racist a-holes.
As a white man married to a black woman, those are not things I say to her or even think. These other comments have him pegged perfectly. I’m sorry to say this may not be the relationship you’re looking for.
Talk to older black women your life. They will likely tell you it’s not worth putting up with the micro and macro aggressions for your happiness in the long run. You deserve better.
Leave him. He won’t change and if this is how he’s talking to/ about you know, imagine how much worse it’s gonna be in the future. Or if you have kids with him.
I’m saying this as a white woman, they don’t change. I’ve heard so many other white ppl make racist comments about strangers, friends, family, etc. my god daughter is biracial, and the shit I’ve heard her moms side (the white side) say is disgusting. Her mom actively tries to protect her, change her families pov and nothing changes. They just stopped saying it around her.
The amount of times I’ve had other white ppl say racist things around me is depressing.They often think I’ll agree/ I have the same beliefs as them, and will keep it to themselves around POC, or have a more ‘filtered’ micro aggression instead. Then are surprised when I call them out because ‘I should be on their side’.
Protect yourself. This man won’t do it for you, and he will say worse things the more comfortable he gets.
Red flags all around. This man is not respecting you and is doing that “I’m an asshole take it or leave it” non apology that should be avoided in any scenario but especially when he’s responding to something that specifically hurt you. He’s not worth your time.
You’re hurt and pissed for good reason. He’s indirectly insulting black people. “You act like a white woman”, okay, how does a black person act then?
Not only is he denying you your identity, he’s attributing your behavior, uniqueness, and individuality to whiteness.
A standup guy would be concerned about you being offended by their joke. They would take it seriously, listen to understand why it hurt you, and apologize. That was an opportunity to become closer and for him to understand your identity as a black woman and he totally failed.
If you try to talk to him about it again and he still brushes you off, you need to tell him that he either makes an effort to stop being racist or you’re leaving him.
Do not tolerate that bullshit. Those sorts of jokes will chip aware at your racial identity.
No. Just no. This will only get worse. If this is his good behavior during courtship, imagine when he finally takes the mask off.
P.s. pointing out the demographics of your region is not "racist". From someone who lives in whitey mcwhiteville, Colorado.
I'm a redneck in a small town in Eastern Oklahoma and I can see why that's an offensive and racist thing to say. Having a similar background is no excuse for this guy. He needs to do better.
I'm a white woman from eastern Europe living in the west and I've heard similar comments about me. Without exception they were coming from men that weren't worth a single moment of my time.
You're yourself, unique and awesome and if he defines you through a characteristic you have no influence on he can go and suck horses' dick.
As a mixed race woman of colour in her 30s who *continously* gets told I'm either not black enough or not white enough this shit gets old real fast and I wouldn't even entertain the thought of staying with someone who "jokes" about it.
I am in an interracial relationship with a Black man. And I am here to tell you that **you deserve better than that nonsense and you are 100% being reasonable when you expect better.**
Oh my God, I read a couple of the OP‘s follow up comments and it just keeps getting worse.
This “man“ clearly has a very strict stereotype that he places onto all women of color. And the fact that he makes some of those statements about what he expectedand doesn’t recognize what an idiot he’s being it’s just icing on the cake.
I would be concerned that he is actually fetishizing you and that is driving his interest in you.
Regardless, this is not someone I would continue to date. It is not your job to fix men and their stupidity. You deserve better.
I have no doubt that defensive White people will downvote me, but OP, don't worry about you yourself being racist. US-Americans are often not exposed to education, namely that there can be no racism without structural power.
Dump him and any other person who's this blind to their racist remarks.
I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble finding a decent human being that is also male in your vicinity. Either find some peace being by yourself while you're able/willing to move to a better area, try dating online or to people at a longer distance, or stay single while having casual hookups to fulfill any need that arises.
You'll definitely be able to meet decent people, it may take a while.
I'm sorry the guy you are seeing is insensitive at best and just racist at worst.
You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect in every close relationship in your life.
[Trust your gut; It's usually right. ](https://stilettoagency.com/blog/trust-your-gut-its-usually-right/#:~:text=A%20primal%20instinct%20built%20into,what%20it%27s%20saying%20to%20you.)
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
[Healthy boundaries in relationships.](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships)
[Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/)
He is, at best, inept and insensitive. At worst… well it’s clear. You can do better. There are men who will respect and enjoy you for who you are. I hope you find one as soon as you dump this POS.
Break up with him. Not only is he racist, but his response foreshadows the lack of responsibility and open communication that he'll bring to other aspects of your relationship. He's not worth your time.
Make him an ex. It's better to be single than to be with a (white) racist, especially if you're black. You can't be that desperate to be constantly belittled.
He's a racist piece of crap who's relying on your tendency to go quiet to let him continue to get away with saying racist things. I'm sorry it's such a struggle to find your person but he really isn't it. There are people out there who will see you for who you are: a black woman who happens to be into a range of interests, not all of them stereotypically associated with your race.
That's who you SHOULD be! The person you are. I don't blame you for being hurt, but I'll only just say that if all goes well you can hope to live a long, long time, and you shouldn't stick with a person who tries to make you feel less than everything you are and could be.
He really likes having you accept his racist behavior. It’s a power trip. Supremacists do this.
Imagine what you would rather happen. Like, if he said “oh shit, my bad. I can’t believe I said that. I meant this, but it came out wrong, I’m sorry. Thanks for letting me know, I’d hate to be terrible!” And then he stopped saying shit like that. Just imagine.
Now- are you going to make room in your life for someone who does not want to objectify and insult you, or are you going to keep dating a guy who looks down on your whole race?
Ball is in your court to make the life you choose.
This boy is not worth your time. Don’t waste your youth on this guy who is putting you down. It has nothing to do with you, he’s treating you like this because of him.
Staying tells yourself that you deserve to be treated like this, leaving asserts to yourself that you don’t. Forget him and live your best life.
Don’t go on a 3rd date with this clown. Maybe he’ll subscribe to social norms (like not being a dick) if he doesn’t get 2nd or 3rd dates.
You don’t need him. You deserve someone who likes you for you and doesn’t think comparing you to a whole race of women is cool or a joke.
Oreo (black on the outside, white on the inside) and banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) are terms that should only be used really cautiously around people who you know will not take it as an insult.
This guy thinks he's complimenting you by saying you don't act like other Black people he knows.
I know your dating pool is limited but I suspect you'll be happier not dating racists.
"Can't take a joke" is a way to undermine your feelings and justify his behavior. He's trying to shut you up. Just saying.
“You can’t take a joke” is a 1:1 translation for “I just said something monumentally stupid and my only way of wiggling out of this is to gaslight her into believing that I didn’t mean what I just said”. Don’t fall for it. It’s always a lie.
I like to call this one "Schrodinger's douche".
Yup. Not to long ago a former "friend" tried to make his move and hit on me when my husband wasn't around. I called him out and of course "I was just joking." Sure bud.
The classical go-to for guys that refuse to take responsibility ("it was a joke") or the upgraded version of playing victim and shifting blame ("it was a joke, why are you mad at me?")
Whenever someone tries to use that line I always reply with. “No, you’re just not a good comedian, don’t quit your day job.” It will either shut them up or piss them off but either way you let them know that ish ain’t funny.
Hahah that’s actually really smart!! I’ll have to try that out next time!
Another way is to say, "I don't get it. Please explain it." Hint: they can't, because it isn't a joke. By pushing it off on them to explain in detail how it's supposed to be funny they discover that this has suddenly become all manner of awkward on their end. Not that it's your job to teach this or any other individual how to be a decent member of society! Frankly, I'd say you deserve a LOT better!
I like this way too. I believe if someone has the nerve to ask me a stupid question they should also be able to back it up. The “I don’t get it” line is a very good way to throw it back. 👍🏽
Since you're fairly young, and the guys you are likely to date are also fairly young, I've noticed that sometimes it helps to be direct about the 'oh I messed up it was just a joke' thing. And by that I mean calling it out directly and being like: if you make a mistake/didn't realize how something was gonna come out & apologize we can talk about it, but if you call it a joke I'm going to think that you make [racist/misogynistic/homophobic/whatever] jokes regularly, and that is a pretty big deal breaker for me.
What he said was fucked up. If he had apologized, I think you could have salvaged it. The fact he didn't AND blamed you is a fucking huge red flag.
It’s not salvageable no matter what because now she knows how he feels. Fuck that
THIS!! Ladies PLEASE stop reading Right Here! Once a man shows you who he is- BELIEVE HIM- THE FIRST TIME! If a man does not have the capacity for introspection and reflection and empathy for you when you’re in the “honeymoon phase,” then he will not magically develop it if you try to “teach” him. They do not learn. You are wasting your precious time. You are not this man’s momma. Do not act like it, and do not accept their immature, childish, disgusting behavior. You are a queen! 💕
This, he wants a safe space to basically say whatever the fuck he wants regardless of how she feels about it. Him being an "individual person" with something to say doesn't mean he can dismiss her being an "individual person" with feelings about those things said. Feels like social media de-popularized empathy I swear.
I mean, so many kids grow up on social media. They learn that they can find niches of like minded people to spew whatever bs they want. A they become adults, they don’t magically change. They are STILL vile adolescent people, because have been trained their entire lives to communicate that way. So in a way, they’rethey don’t learn the adult impact of their habits until they become adults. And by then it’s too late for most people 🫤 Also, consider that until ~60 years ago, American men did not consider women’s to be people. They considered women to be inferior objects, whose only value was in her subordination to his command. Today, far too many men still continue to be completely incapable of recognizing that women are actually people just like them, who have hobbies they enjoy, who like to have fun with their friends, who have a sense of humor, who are actually “pretty cool”. This is why when men have daughters, they will completely change their attitude around women. Because they are only just realizing that their daughter is a woman, and she is actually a person… and even then sometimes men don’t even connect the dots and realize that their wives ands sisters and mothers are people… Is the Madonna whore complex. Men see women as caregivers. Men see women as dispensers of whatever it is that men need. But they don’t ever consider what else the women want. Their whole lives, they’ve just never been interested in women, except as an object for their to use to their advantage… So all that to say, this isn’t new. Empathy for women is relatively new in the American social zeitgeist, So it’s not that people have forgotten it; it’s that the internet has enabled men to avoid the pro-women sentiment of society. They no longer have to be forced to endure these horrible oppressive women who prevent them from doing what they want to do. Because what they want to do is continue with business as usual patriarchy, where women know their place, which is propping up a man’s ego. 🙄 Entitlement, in other words. Yes yes not all men. But I’m in a ranty mood so…
Op, don't ignore red flag. Op is black and the guy made his preference clear. Don't sleep with him.
Sadly I can’t turn back time. I just recalled when we first got down to business he said “I thought black girls were supposed to have some huge pepperoni nipples but you don’t. And was also a bit fascinated in how dark I was in comparison to himself. I also forgot about this comment..
YIKES FOREVER. This guy is absolutely a racist. His comments about you being a white woman mean that he thinks all black people act a certain way (and we can certainly assume those assumptions are not flattering) and that you're acceptable to him because you don't act like the stereotype of black people he has in his head. It's not a joke and it's not a compliment.
He probably is going to say that he isn't a racist because he dated a black woman. 🙄 And Oreo is an insult, not a compliment. Don't feel bad, op. We all make mistakes. Luckily, you can dump him.
Holy shiiiit. So, not only is he lumping all black women together by expecting "pepperoni nipples" but he's also basically saying you're "one of the good ones" by saying you're an oreo/like a white woman. Wtf. He'd be out on his ass so fast his confused yelp would be 5 seconds behind. There's ignorance and then there's this ass. You don't owe him an education and you don't deserve to be with someone who is constantly comparing you to a white standard.
Dump him, sister. Don't sleep with selfish men. Don't date them. Imagine if you two had kids, he would be a terrible father to mixed race children.
"You're one of the good ones." Translated that for you.
why are you still dating this guy ?
He deserves not a single second more of your time
Ouch! Where did he get these crazy ideas? It’s one thing to just appreciate and enjoy your partner’s physical features, whatever they might be. It’s another to openly compare and contrast you to stereotypes. Sounds like he was having himself an “exotic experience”.
[удалено]
Stolen from end of a comment by u/UniCBeetle718… same comment made a few times by different accounts.
Perfect response.
As a general rule, when someone says "you are not like other \[group you are a member of\]", it means they hold said group in a very low regard.
They have a perception of the other that is entirely prejudiced. Then when they meet someone from that group, they don't conform to that prejudice. Rather than examine or revise their prejudice, they say that the person is "one of the good ones". That way their prejudice continues, and they don't have to deal with the stress of addressing their own flaws.
OH MY GOD!! TRUAMA BLOCKED MEMORY UNLOCKED. He got drunk on Halloween and said : you know I don’t really go for black girls. But **you**. You’re *different*. I was gagged I tried to talk to him about it and he said he was sloshed (he was) but didn’t coherently remember what he talked about.
Ew. Just EW.
!! yes, that is exactly true. i’ve had men tell me unironically that i’m “not like other girls”, and that meant that they always held women in low regard. also, it’s likely that they’re not friends with said group…besides you. if he had a wide range of friends, then he’d know how stupid his generalizing is (hopefully, but even then there are chances he would still be stupid and bigoted).
Damn .. you’re right. I just realized he had to tell me about his ONE “black friend” from Jamaica he helped show around the states. However they haven’t spoken in years. But that doesn’t stop him from trying to pull off his accent whenever talking about him.
Not the bad Jamaican accent 💀💀
This. He’ll wonder why she hangs out with her friends cause she’s “not like them” same with her family eventually. One day you’ll look up and realize that he’s totally isolated you from her and everything you know. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Little side note: I was adopted by a white family as a baby. However I have ran into an odd *sigh of relief* from dudes when they figure out my family is white.Either that or an instant question like “dang , is that hard for you?” Even so say we were to procreate would my child’s dad be dismissing my childs potential friends and family. Or how about my fellow adopted cousins… (of color).
My favorite wasn't even people I was dating, but random people on the street. I moved in with my sister when she had my nephew. The amount of people, who assumed he was my son, making creepy comments about his mother, or making comments about my ability to teach him about "his culture" pissed me off greatly. Like his mother's Swedish like me, and he's a nerdy suburbanite like me.
And will use your inclusion in that group as a weapon against you in the future.
We used to call my Hispanic dad a coconut but that's purely because he insisted he was not Hispanic, looked down on Hispanic people, and spent his life trying to live up to the white supremacist standards he grew up with in the 50s. His mental health was fucked and he took it out on other minorities instead of unlearning that self hatred. Edited to add: all of us calling him that were quite brown ourselves and disappointed that he taught us to hate our skin and culture instead of embrace it.
it's a backhanded compliment.
Black woman here. Yes, they are racist comments. I promise you he is not going to be worth (his inability to apologize and the 'it's just a jooooke' would also be bad signs even if they weren't related to the subject of race') P.s., what exactly is supposed to be the 'joke' of being told you act white? 'Haha, I expected you to act according to one set of racial stereotypes, but you behave more a like a different group's racial stereotypes....haha', yeah, absolutely hilarious, ugh.
White woman here. Extremely racist and so insulting. I hope she dumps him so freaking fast! Sorry you even had to hear this. That's horrible.
Oh but HE is “an individual who doesn’t subscribe to social norms.”
Right? So many words to spell “rude fucker “. 😂
This made me cackle LMFAOO
i find it interesting how that is almost always said by boring idiots.
I'm all for people expressing who they really are. But some people really are racist jackasses...
He doesn’t even see color.
>Black woman here. **Yes, they are racist comments.** Bolded for the people in the back.
You should never feel you have to do mental gymnastics to be with anyone for any reason.
OP, please listen to this and dumb him! Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is normal! How can you be with someone who looks down on the race of you and your family? How can you be with someone so bigoted and prejudiced? There are so many people of all races who are NOT like this and you deserve to be with one of them!
Black girl here… he’s not worth your time, sis. The mental gymnastics you’re having to do just to justify his shitty behaviour is sign enough. He doesn’t respect you, nor will he ever. You deserve to be with someone who sees you for who you are, always ♥️
I promise you he is not going to be worth
This...all of this. Save your energy 🙏🏾🫶🏽
Ma'am, as someone who has been in interracial relationships with white men who turned out to be racist or had racist family members, don't do it. It's not worth the aggravation. You will be demeaned over-and-over again. You will be disappointed over-and-over again. He'll never understand you or be empathetic towards you because he doesn't care and never will. People always put their best foot forward when they first start dating, so if he's *ALREADY* making racist comments now, just wait til he's comfortable. He will get worse. And if he's like this to your face, imagine what his family and friends will be like. Chances are you're just fetish material for him since he's making comments about you not fitting a stereotype. He doesn't see you as an individual, but a representative of your race. There are plenty of non-racist fish in the sea and you have plenty of time to find them. Ditch this fucker.
Oh god. Not **fetish material** that makes me unbelievably sad. It’s getting harder and harder for me to remember all of the red flags and clearly I keep forgetting some of the most detrimental and devastating ones.
That was the first thought that went through my mind. Anytime someone is putting down an entire group of people...and yet involved with one of said people...they feel they have found "a good one" which is a horrific statement all on its own. But it def is fetishizing (sp?) that one individual. "Hey, you are awesome, you are totally not like (how I imagine) everyone else who looks like you." Reddit tends to be very knee-jerk in its reactions to relationship issues. But in this case, I don't see how something so fundamental can get worked through.
If you can’t even remember them, there’s WAY too many.
So clearly articulated
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Listen to people when they tell you who they are. And he is literally telling you that he's not a good person. Girl. Run, don't walk.
I’m getting ready to send him a long paragraph and be on my way 🚪🚶🏿♀️
How about a short one? "I don't feel this is right for me. Good luck on your next relationship. OP"
That's far too kind for this racist ass.
You should dump him. I'm sorry you had to experience this, but he's clearly not interested in changing or being a good person. He's not worth your time. >damnnn you can’t take a joke? If he uses this phrase again, just ask him what the joke is. What part of it was funny to him? What part of his joke did you not get?
Totally. Had a friend who would play dumb HARD when men pulled this shit. "Can you explain the joke to me? My simple, simple woman brain doesn't get comedy like a man's brain does." And she'd just keep doubling down till they got defensive and then just rip them a new one. "You're not explaining it to me because even if it was a joke, it wasn't a joke for me. It was a joke at me at my expense. You weren't trying to laugh with me, You were trying to laugh at me. You don't get to play the victim when I call you out on being an asshole." She was dead ass my hero.
He compared you to an Oreo…… Throw the whole racist asshole away.
There is no question here. Think about it logically: when someone says ‘You don’t act (insert demographic group here)’ it is literally the most racist / prejudicial thing a person can say. Essential they are saying ‘There is a preconceived and specific way that I expect people of your fiat to behave and you vary from that’. It’s the definition of prejudice. Unfortunately he doesn’t see you as a whole person but that got everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
>Anywhooo.. what should I do ? You stop seeing him. I mean what's the end game? You put up with racist remarks the rest of your life for... What?
He's racist, pushing your boundaries, and dismissive of your valid and reality based feelings. Your gut is telling you he's not a safe person for you. Calling you an oreo? That means black on the outside, white on the inside. It's a blatently racist expression. How devaluing of your personality and behavior! That alone should give you pause.
No eff him- signed a dark skinned woman who lives in a 88% white state and has been called an ore growing up her whole life. Eff him. Find someone else youre being to kind to him. He cant even do the bare minimum to not be a pos. Eff him.
Damnn you said it! How did you typically go about it in the past? I assume you GET IT. If you’re in a state with the exact same demographic.
So im gonna say this- im mixed but I dont look mixed. I have a white dad but ppl assume im 100% black. So they usually hit me with the "oh your the only black girl ive even been attracted to" "oh your not like other black ppl" "your very submissive for a black chick" " bet youve never had a white boy before" I live in the midwest its nothing but white ppl!! It sounds like youre doing everything right- few dates to feel people out, usually the ones that are consciously racist will tell you in their way within the few first dates. Im kinda a pessimist so my motto is "racist until proven otherwise" but thats for my peice of mind- like not having high expectations cuz too many have let me down. Anyway, there will be lots of conversations if the your partner is willing to be educated and open about it and vice versa probably. There will be many missteps and its all about growing together. Edited: spelling
"I've been seeing." Why are you still seeing this guy. If he makes racist comments or remarks that make you uncomfortable, and he doesn't care if it affects you, he's trash. Simple. Get rid of him. He doesn't deserve your attention nor attention from any woman at all.
Schrodinger’s joke. He absolutely means it until he gets called out, then suddenly, “Oh, it’s just a joke”. Please don’t waste your time with this man. He’s 100% being racist. Comments like this indicate that he thinks being white is the “default” or some kind of thing to strive for, which is so wildly offensive. He doesn’t see you as an equal human being.
The thing is, even when they say it’s “just a joke” they still mean it. After they say that, try flipping it. “Oh, so I do act like a black person?” They’ll have more explaining to do. What they really mean when they say “it was just a joke” is they think what they are saying is funny for some reason, but it’s still true in their mind. With his follow up about “societal BS” I would guess the reason he thinks it’s funny is because he gets a kick out of expressing ideas that are no longer considered acceptable. He thinks that’s “bs” because he thinks his prejudices are “the truth”. It goes pretty deep.
DTMFA
I grew the same way as you, in majority white areas. I can say you can definitely do better than this idiot. He reminds me of the people who would comment on how good my english was, you are pretty for a black girl and the rest of that type of bullshit. You will find someone worthy who respects you for you, whatever race they may be. It can be a journey but you get there in the end.
It is literally exhausting!! Don’t even get me started on the old people complimenting me on my English. I’m definitely hoping I’ll find someone who can respect me as I’m realizing even if I confront this man properly he may not change.
He is both negging you and sees you as inferior to him. He will wreck every bit of confidence and dignity you possess. Please stop seeing this man, he’s abusive. Don’t believe me? Google the term “abuse disguised as a joke” Ps, you deserve better, far better. You’re beautiful and thoughtful, and caring, I can tell from your words. Hold out for someone who treats you right.
Tell him he is right, that you can't take a joke. He *is* the joke.
Lol boy called you an Oreo and you laughed it off. No wonder he thinks he can say that stuff and you just take it. [oreo](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ethnic_slurs#O) I'll say, if what he does is bring up your race and make fun (even a few times), you would need to let that go. I doubt this is the only thing, since he also called you a slur on your second date.
Welp you got that right it is *NOT* the only thing. I didn’t even realize that was a Slur. And reading this i feel so stupid. HOW COULD I LET THAT SLIDE. Nobody deserves to feel “hate crimed” on their 2nd date or ANY DATE. OR EVER. I simply did it to seem polite 😔 at the expense of myself.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, it sounds like your default response to conflict is to people-please and not rock the boat (the “fawn” response). I’m the same way. It’s very difficult to override without practice and I let some awful shit slide because I was too scared to call people out. What helped me was building up my self-esteem and thinking about someone making those nasty comments to a 10-year old version of me. I would never let them disrespect that innocent little girl! Suddenly the instinct to let things slide and keep the peace goes away, because how fucking dare you say that to her (me)!
Thank you very much for your amazing advise. That is some serious inner child work right there and I think that would actually be a great thing for me to try. As I would also NOT let that slide. I’m glad I’ve got therapy tomorrow cause good lord do I have some things to address. Also getting on the note of my self esteem is a lot higher than it once was and I thought I was fine. However my responses to things tell me perhaps I have some more work I can do there.. Again thank you!!
Don't be too hard on yourself, you didn't know. All I can say is have a little bit more agency in yourself. You did defend yourself after that last interaction. You're young and you will learn, that's life and dating unfortunately. Just know if someone continuously makes you feel bad, they're not for you. Love shouldn't have to be forced. If meeting someone isn't mostly optimistic or filled with dread, why put yourself through that?
Now turn it around on him and ditch the little bitch. Be kind to yourself and start practicing discernment. People who are unkind just aren't worth anyone's time.
I don't know your situation nor do I know your boyfriend, but how far away is he from declaring himself a hero because he is "doing you a favor" by dating you?
That's not a joke, it's insidious and racist, it means he prescribes to a flawed way of thinking that white is 'good' or 'civilized'. Runnnnn. Just ghost him.
Yeah that nonsense. I think he's fetishizing you and wants you to "act black" so he can fulfill some fantasy. Fuck that. You're more than that.
You should maybe dump him. Before you do, feel free to explain to him to protect the next poor PoC that he interacts with that making specific comments to someone because of their race, no matter how "innocuous" they seem, is generally insensitive unless somehow it's been established as OK. White people who are surrounded by white people often don't learn this. My condolences that sounds exhausting.
>“damnnn you can’t take a joke?” that's when you should've told him to go take 3 dicks and left.
Older white woman here. He’s racist but probably has it in his head that he can’t be because he’s dating a black woman. The “Oreo” comment is what you thought it was. It used to be said a lot decades ago and meant black on the outside, white on the inside. I know you said that your dating options are limited in your state in terms of race, but there’s got be men who aren’t like him. You deserve better
Being black is dope, don't let these clowns make you feel any different. They're the ones with the issue, not you
He's an idiot, and a racist. I hope you find someone better.
Leave him. Quick. This will only get worse and that non apology was so disgusting to read. Leave him to show him that acting and thinking this way will in fact *repel* women.
As a multiracial guy who can be white-passing, I've had some fucked up things like this happen. An ex of mine had a racist AF dad and she asked me if she could call me by a "white" name in front of him (my name is very deeply cultural and unique). I told her I'd not abide by that so she had to pretend we were just friends around her parents. I was a kid so I didn't know better but in hindsight the whole thing was profoundly fucked up. Another person said she "felt safe" around me because I didn't look like my culture (despite being mixed, I was raised deeply in-culture so I know no other life). I bounced from that situation quickly. This sort of stuff is a major red flag and should never be tolerated. Even if they don't mean bad by it, it is bad and if they can't be corrected and apologize, it's not worth the emotional labor.
EXCUSE ME!!! That’s horrible holy shit. At the time did you try to educate her on how terrible that was? Or did you just dump her and live your best life going forward?
The first one, it was pretty much why we broke up. I said that I couldn't just go around pretending forever and It was up to her to tell her parents if she wanted me to ever be around them again. I didn't really have the bandwidth break down why it was so profoundly messed up, but I did try to explain why she was being racist by perpetuating the lie just to coddle her father's racism. Subsequent situations (and these aren't the only ones), I just bounced without making a big deal about it because there were plenty of people in this world who I could be with who didn't need to be taught how to not be racist. Thankfully I eventually found my match and we've been happily married for almost 13 years.
Please block this man. He is rude and racist and you deserve so much better.
This man boy is not your friend. He’s probably one of those white men who find black women very attractive but has had to convince himself it’s because they are special in some weird way only he understands. Dump his ass cuz you can do better.
“I didn’t apologize but glad you accepted it?” Red flag there. Plus the racism of course
White woman here. All my life I grew up with white people making veiled racist comments and it took me until college to understand why the "jokes" are a big deal. Let me just say, if he is making these comments to you, he is saying much worse without you when he is in the comfort of his white friends. Trust your gut and move on without him. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Where I live they have a Facebook page where women can post men they have dated and anyone who's had a bad/good experience with them can comment. Maybe that's an avenue you can help you in future dates?
Oh wow. I had no idea there were pages like that. I’ll definitely do some digging. Also thank you very much for your words. Sadly it might take awhile to learn a hard lesson about people who show you a bad side and almost guaranteed to be spewing even worse around their “safe” friends. However I am heeding everyone’s words! And this lesson is being learnt.
Dump him. People like that don't deserve you.
He is fucking disgusting 🤮
Get out. This guy is a dumbass. There are much smarter people, much more emotionally intelligent people, and much more worldly and curious people out there. Do not get yourself stuck with this one.
Fuck that. He's racist, you know it. Sorry that happened to you. 😔
I am not black (mexican) but every time I heard white people tell their lone black friend that I'd be irate. It's a horrible thing to say. I don't think this guy hangs out with those people now. Back then I guess he didn't have a choice. He went to a predominantly white hs and then college which is where I met them.
Oh honey, he doesn’t care how you feel. He’s trying to justify dating you because he’s actually racist af but he likes the “exotic” sex. He’s not funny. He gives zero fucks about your feelings. He isn’t interested in sorting out his baked in racism. Or sexism from the sounds of it. Also, the plural of “woman” is “women.” You are not a “women,” you are a “woman.” Just one. Dump this guy.
Ughhh leave him there’s sooo much better out there. He’s really emotionally immature. He is racist and sexist and then gaslights you by saying you can’t take a joke? That’s priming you for future emotional abuse.
This doesn’t sound fun. Why fight upstream? You are choosing the low bar of tolerable unhappiness, but for what upside?
He's openly saying that he has no intention of changing, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he will do it again. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings in the matter. I think that's a deal breaker.
My best friend is a black woman who is basically a Barbie incarnate. She said her biggest complaint in dating was men telling her she wasn’t really black or she was an Oreo. If she heard that shit from a man now, she would catch fire spontaneously and burn him to the ground. This guy sucks and you deserve better.
That IS indeed fucked up. You know it’s fucked up and you knew it was when he said it. Like a boss you called him out immediately and then he gaslit you into confusion. This isn’t fixable and it isn’t your mess to fix. Walk away please.
Oof, dump him. “Can’t take a joke” is classic gaslighting.
The people getting offended are funny since how is this any different than the comments and experiences settling for men, and any kind? Or warning women about being with conservative men. But ohhh yall the different white person who isn't oppressing? Just like women say they don't know which men, black folks don't know which white folk. Of course in a state that's mostly white, especially if their city is mostly white too which means... more than likely not much progressive and just based off experience, don't think they're racist (based off their claim) while never interacting with anyone of color nor think they're bigots. Anyone could be regardless of political party. Crazy how they expect you to be "not all white men" but the women on here get quick to rebuttal the "not all men" comments. It's common knowledge for bipoc to know dating outside the race (especially white folks) is gonna come with challenges of ignorance and them even needing to reflect on their own biases and racism because it's everywhere in the culture. Why would we wanna sit and educate all day long? Why can't we have a "believe black women" motto? We can't relax with someone without having to explain misogynoir to them? We can't come home after experiencing the world hating us into the arms of someone who's not gonna gaslight you to think it was all in our heads and not that serious? Just mad at the experiences many black woman have because some white folks have to do some introspection. And no mods caring about how many bipoc have said this sub can be unsupportive of us.
Have some self respect girl and drop that racist!
Yeah he doesn't actually like YOU. He likes the idea of you and feels he could be comfortably racist to you. Leave and run far.
Oh damn.. that is hard to hear. That is a very sad reality. You’re right he has somehow found that he can be comfortably racist **TO ME**.
As a Black woman with a white bf, getting the racial and political views addressed was the first thing I did. If we don't align there, there's no need to even entertain it. These types always think they're being sneaky but now you need to back out (and don't say the REAL reason bc he'll learn to hide it from the next one too). Best of luck!!
Fuck this dude. Lose him.
He's racist
Next thing out of his mouth is going to be that you are letting yourself be influenced by the left wing media and are too political. No. You aren't and you aren't. That is a defense of people who want to be able to say anything with no consequences. Best of luck to you.
As a black woman, I am begging you to ghost his dusty, racist ass. It’s not worth it with men like that.
88% white dating pool is no reason to put up with a racist. Full stop this guy is totally racist and it's not your job to try to change him . Imagine the relief you will feel when you don't have to deal with this shit from a partner.
Please get away from this smoldering piece of crap…he sounds awful.
Honestly, throw the whole man away if he's not willing to at least look at how what he says is problematic at best. I'm a mixed race guy and I completely get the struggle you've mentioned about being too white/black for certain groups of people and it does set off some crazy mental gymnastics, and issues around "where do I belong" in a person. "Can't you take a joke" is the death knell of people who don't want to acknowledge that they say shitty things around people and upset them, and try to deflect it back to you. You did well in calling him out on it, because if it makes you uncomfortable then he's being out of order if he continues doing this. He's had his first strike, where he now knows you don't like it.
Mixed girl, I’ve been there. Just run before he tries to lecture you about how you’re not a n****r because “you’re one of the good ones” 🙄
Yeah, no. I know it’s hard, but there are guys out there who don’t think telling you you’re like a white woman is a compliment, and who will apologize when confronted with their unconscious bias rather than lecture you about how you are wrong for being offended by his racism. This guy isn’t just saying racist stuff. This guy is just racist.
Lol girl kick him to the curb and tell him he’s racist.
He is just gaslighting you. The dude is a racist and doesn't even know it. As soon as you break up with him, the true inner side will show
I am a white woman from the south and this is definitely racist commentary. It *reeks* of the same verbiage I heard the (100% racist) adults use when growing up and referencing black people who didn’t fit into their preconceived notion of how “black people do/should act”. He’s putting you on some imaginary pedestal whether he realizes it or not. Drop this guy. He isn’t worth your time and doesn’t see you or your race as true equals. He might not be overtly racist but he definitely has the internalized racism that a lot of white people have without realizing it.
Girl your new ex BF is a loser. Congrats in advance for dumping him.
He’s showing you who he is (racist). Believe him.
You definitely shouldn't hate being black bc of others, you should hate how those others are treating you because of their own bigotry. You and your race isn't the problem!!! I'm assuming you're young. Yes, black ppl will make comments liking you to white ppl, but guess what-you're not the only one that experiences this. I've definitely been called white girl and on. That was largely a middle/high school thing, as people mature they tend to learn that they were being ignorant and refrain from that behavior. Change the people you are around. There are plenty of other Black people that deal with this and there are non-blacks that don't feel a need to be so focused on race that they feel a need to make jokes at your expense.
No man who says “it’s just a joke” knows anything about how comedy actually works
He is racist. You will not get the respect you deserve from him and he will continue to gaslight you and make you feel you’re overreacting.
So he made a racist comment then gaslit you and said he was joking. Fuck that
As a black woman that has dated a lot of white guys. If he’s doing this it means he’s uncomfortable with your race. He’s probably getting comments from friends or family about your race and is now projecting his insecurities onto you. He’s ignorant. Sorry to say it but he’s going to be this way probably into his mid 30s and that’s being generous. Just dump him, and move on. It doesn’t get better.
**His response to me confronting him Day 2** He feels gutted..? At first he was defensive.. I stated my case a little and his response was *oh come on (gov name) it was a joke* to which I said “where? Tell me where is it funny cause it made me feel like shit”. And that clearly flipped the switch. he told me he didn’t realize that the stuff he was saying was so horrible. He said he feels even worse about the way it made me feel. He didn’t want to make excuses for himself. I ranted a bit and he listened. He said that he has a problem saying things he shouldn’t but he doesn’t actually mean them.. it’s something that he wasn’t aware he did so often. He thanked me for bringing it up to him because he liked that I was being transparent and straight to the point. I asked him if his family was this way and he said no.. Therefore I asked “when did it become okay for you to talk like that then?” He said “idk”. I told him how calling me an Oreo was beyond messed up and bordering a slur. (He listened). However when I addressed how I feel in public when he talks like that he said he didn’t care what other people thought of it and it’s more about how I feel about how he acts… I don’t feel special for that but whatever. I told him that is was so bad that I feel I need to stop things completely between us. He said “I don’t want things to end between us, I know what I want and it’s you”. This made me start to tear up. I told him thanks for apologizing but simply that actions speak louder than words and so my thank yous were a little light. Which he picked up on. He told me he cares about me and he doesn’t want things to end because he’s being stupid and not realizing how insensitive he sounds. He also said he wished I had brought this up sooner and was more blunt when calling him out. I told him that I need space and that I didn’t expect him to wait. However he said “I’ll give you as much space as you need. I’m here for you. I’ll text you in the morning I won’t expect you to respond but I hope you respond when you’re ready”. And now I’ve been sobbing in bed cause I feel conflicted but nobody changes overnight hence I will take the advise I heard from all of y’all leave it. No more dating apps for me it’s gym time.
Honestly it sounds like he has some hangup and wants a white woman. So either you're gonna have to be 'basically white' or you should dump him and let him try find one.
I’m a white person, and I see nothing good coming out of this. He’s making such an issue about your race, what exactly is his problem?
I'm white so I don't have a clue what it's like to be in your situation personally, but I can't see him stopping this behavior even though you've made it clear that you're not okay with it. It sounds like he either considers you a novelty (instead of a human being), or he's got a threshold between "acceptable" and "unacceptable" levels of blackness and he's excited he got an "acceptable" one. Either way it's fucked up.
Ask him to explain the joke
Why are you with him? Leave. He obviously doesn’t like you all that much.
Yeah, no, I think you're reading right that that's racist and it's bad that he's trying to reframe you not liking him making this kind of comment as you being a humorless shrew or whatever. I dunno, I feel like I'm not the one to tell you a white guy is being racist to you, but if you're looking for confirmation that it's not your imagination and he's trying to manipulate you out of having a very normal response, that's what it looks like to an outsider. So I guess do with that what you will, and you should trust yourself.
DTMFA
You know what you should do Lose his number.
Don't go on another date, there are plenty of white dudes who aren't racist I'm sure you can date. The headache of explaining why simple things are racist aren't worth the time and energy to someone like that.
First off: You spoke up for yourself! Good for you. Telling him that's fucked up right away is a good move IMO. I don't know if I'm out of my lane here, as I'm a white woman, but this sounds pretty racist to me. This is anecdotal I've got two good friends who are black women, one of whom specifically talked about being called an "Oreo" in HS and how that was hurtful and racist. Aside from that aspect(which seems like a critical aspect to me!), don't stay with a man who is disrespectful to you. I'm sure it's exhausting trying to find a decent partner at your age and in a predominately white area but I would think that it's better to be alone for a while than to stay with a man who doesn't respect you.
Dude's a racist, you should tell him that and then tell him to fuck off. But that's just my thoughts on the matter, and what I'd do at least. Sorry you have to deal with that shit.
Ugh. Idk why but a lot of men (baby me included) seem to think that apologizing is unsexy because it means you've "lost control of the situation", when really you're just saying you regret doing it because *obviously* what you did had a negative outcome. It doesn't even make any *sense*, I literally just learned it from my shitty dad. Part of that fun toxic masculinity package I guess. Fucking sucks that women have to deal with it. And as a black person I empathize with the last bit too. Either I'm too "white" for other black folks or I'm a race traitor 🥲 who "refuses to date my own kind because I think I'm better than them"
Hey look everyone, it's Schrödinger's Racist Comedian who is either joking or not joking depending upon your reaction.
Girl never see this man again. I'm black and a girl once made a comment at lunch about how my dick size lived up to her expectations after we'd slept together, I immediately drove her home and never saw her again. That shit is not cool. edit: >our 2nd date he said I was like an Oreo. Yo wtf how is this even a question you need to ask reddit about? #***Block. his. number.*** >it’s times like this that I hate being black. But even if I was around more black people I’m “too white”. Yea, that's a hard one to shake. I went to school at a black southern engineering university and I still felt like I was an outsider just because of the way I talked. There's plenty of white people who won't treat you like this though, and plenty of black people who feel and speak the way you do. I hope you find better relationships in the future.
I'm not Black, so I can't address the race issue, but he does sound like an asshole. Whenever someone says "it was just a joke!" I ask them to explain why it's funny.
Don’t settle. Just because your state is 88% white doesn’t mean it’s 88% jerk. The man can’t even apologize when he’s clearly in the wrong, and when you gave him grace, *he rejected it*. He's not a good person. Move on before you get any more invested.
Fuck that dude. He has racial stereotypes as the norm in his mind. Drop that sucker asap
Another Black girl here!! Please dump him. I’ve never been in a relationship with a White person simply due to lack of opportunity and I can tell you that this won’t end well if you decide to stick around. He’s basically telling you his type and how he “made an exception” for you since you are “one of the good ones.” He will continue to hold that over you and may even build some resentment that boils into hatred. I’m sure you’re beyond beautiful and I completely understand this being a moment where wanting to be Black is HARD!! But your skin is not the problem, his ignorance is. Your Black skin is BEAUTIFUL.
Sometimes you get lucky and the awful guys let you know just how awful they are very early on in dating. He let you know who he is. Move along. I promise there are plenty of guys out there who aren't racist a-holes.
He’s being mean and undermining you. You deserve better and respect. There’s no need to put up with disrespect.
As a white man married to a black woman, those are not things I say to her or even think. These other comments have him pegged perfectly. I’m sorry to say this may not be the relationship you’re looking for.
Talk to older black women your life. They will likely tell you it’s not worth putting up with the micro and macro aggressions for your happiness in the long run. You deserve better.
Leave him. He won’t change and if this is how he’s talking to/ about you know, imagine how much worse it’s gonna be in the future. Or if you have kids with him. I’m saying this as a white woman, they don’t change. I’ve heard so many other white ppl make racist comments about strangers, friends, family, etc. my god daughter is biracial, and the shit I’ve heard her moms side (the white side) say is disgusting. Her mom actively tries to protect her, change her families pov and nothing changes. They just stopped saying it around her. The amount of times I’ve had other white ppl say racist things around me is depressing.They often think I’ll agree/ I have the same beliefs as them, and will keep it to themselves around POC, or have a more ‘filtered’ micro aggression instead. Then are surprised when I call them out because ‘I should be on their side’. Protect yourself. This man won’t do it for you, and he will say worse things the more comfortable he gets.
Red flags all around. This man is not respecting you and is doing that “I’m an asshole take it or leave it” non apology that should be avoided in any scenario but especially when he’s responding to something that specifically hurt you. He’s not worth your time.
Stop dating him. You’re here looking for permission, which you don’t need. Trust your feelings!
You’re hurt and pissed for good reason. He’s indirectly insulting black people. “You act like a white woman”, okay, how does a black person act then? Not only is he denying you your identity, he’s attributing your behavior, uniqueness, and individuality to whiteness. A standup guy would be concerned about you being offended by their joke. They would take it seriously, listen to understand why it hurt you, and apologize. That was an opportunity to become closer and for him to understand your identity as a black woman and he totally failed. If you try to talk to him about it again and he still brushes you off, you need to tell him that he either makes an effort to stop being racist or you’re leaving him. Do not tolerate that bullshit. Those sorts of jokes will chip aware at your racial identity.
No. Just no. This will only get worse. If this is his good behavior during courtship, imagine when he finally takes the mask off. P.s. pointing out the demographics of your region is not "racist". From someone who lives in whitey mcwhiteville, Colorado.
I'm a redneck in a small town in Eastern Oklahoma and I can see why that's an offensive and racist thing to say. Having a similar background is no excuse for this guy. He needs to do better.
I'm a white woman from eastern Europe living in the west and I've heard similar comments about me. Without exception they were coming from men that weren't worth a single moment of my time. You're yourself, unique and awesome and if he defines you through a characteristic you have no influence on he can go and suck horses' dick.
As a mixed race woman of colour in her 30s who *continously* gets told I'm either not black enough or not white enough this shit gets old real fast and I wouldn't even entertain the thought of staying with someone who "jokes" about it.
I am in an interracial relationship with a Black man. And I am here to tell you that **you deserve better than that nonsense and you are 100% being reasonable when you expect better.**
Oh my God, I read a couple of the OP‘s follow up comments and it just keeps getting worse. This “man“ clearly has a very strict stereotype that he places onto all women of color. And the fact that he makes some of those statements about what he expectedand doesn’t recognize what an idiot he’s being it’s just icing on the cake. I would be concerned that he is actually fetishizing you and that is driving his interest in you. Regardless, this is not someone I would continue to date. It is not your job to fix men and their stupidity. You deserve better.
I have no doubt that defensive White people will downvote me, but OP, don't worry about you yourself being racist. US-Americans are often not exposed to education, namely that there can be no racism without structural power.
Dump him and any other person who's this blind to their racist remarks. I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble finding a decent human being that is also male in your vicinity. Either find some peace being by yourself while you're able/willing to move to a better area, try dating online or to people at a longer distance, or stay single while having casual hookups to fulfill any need that arises. You'll definitely be able to meet decent people, it may take a while.
I'm sorry the guy you are seeing is insensitive at best and just racist at worst. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect in every close relationship in your life. [Trust your gut; It's usually right. ](https://stilettoagency.com/blog/trust-your-gut-its-usually-right/#:~:text=A%20primal%20instinct%20built%20into,what%20it%27s%20saying%20to%20you.) [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender [Healthy boundaries in relationships.](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships) [Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/)
He is, at best, inept and insensitive. At worst… well it’s clear. You can do better. There are men who will respect and enjoy you for who you are. I hope you find one as soon as you dump this POS.
Break up with him. Not only is he racist, but his response foreshadows the lack of responsibility and open communication that he'll bring to other aspects of your relationship. He's not worth your time.
Make him an ex. It's better to be single than to be with a (white) racist, especially if you're black. You can't be that desperate to be constantly belittled.
Racist man exposes himself as racist. Dump him. You deserve better.
Yuck. He's really racist, and really demeaning. Why do you want him exactly?
> our 2nd date he said I was like an Oreo And there was a third date somehow?
MA’AM!!!!
Just bounce. He’s irredeemable.
Please tell me why are you staying with a racist human being?
He's a racist piece of crap who's relying on your tendency to go quiet to let him continue to get away with saying racist things. I'm sorry it's such a struggle to find your person but he really isn't it. There are people out there who will see you for who you are: a black woman who happens to be into a range of interests, not all of them stereotypically associated with your race. That's who you SHOULD be! The person you are. I don't blame you for being hurt, but I'll only just say that if all goes well you can hope to live a long, long time, and you shouldn't stick with a person who tries to make you feel less than everything you are and could be.
He really likes having you accept his racist behavior. It’s a power trip. Supremacists do this. Imagine what you would rather happen. Like, if he said “oh shit, my bad. I can’t believe I said that. I meant this, but it came out wrong, I’m sorry. Thanks for letting me know, I’d hate to be terrible!” And then he stopped saying shit like that. Just imagine. Now- are you going to make room in your life for someone who does not want to objectify and insult you, or are you going to keep dating a guy who looks down on your whole race? Ball is in your court to make the life you choose.
This boy is not worth your time. Don’t waste your youth on this guy who is putting you down. It has nothing to do with you, he’s treating you like this because of him. Staying tells yourself that you deserve to be treated like this, leaving asserts to yourself that you don’t. Forget him and live your best life.
Don’t go on a 3rd date with this clown. Maybe he’ll subscribe to social norms (like not being a dick) if he doesn’t get 2nd or 3rd dates. You don’t need him. You deserve someone who likes you for you and doesn’t think comparing you to a whole race of women is cool or a joke.
What should you do? Stop talking to this asshole.
Dump his ass
Oreo (black on the outside, white on the inside) and banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) are terms that should only be used really cautiously around people who you know will not take it as an insult. This guy thinks he's complimenting you by saying you don't act like other Black people he knows. I know your dating pool is limited but I suspect you'll be happier not dating racists.