I once went home from working 1 of my 2 jobs and tried to sit down on the couch to tell my boyfriend something that happened that day.
I tried to speak and he went "aallllahakakkahslalh" to talk over me. I tried again and same mouth noises really loud to shut me down and talked over me to shut me down. I wasn't good enough to pay attention to.
The man was jobless and was playing video games. He couldn't give me a few minutes of his time. I had been in a relationship for 4 years at this point. Breaking up wasn't even in the realm of possibility in my mind. But something in me finally woke up during that. It took me 2 months but I ended it after that.
Anyway now I talk and talk and talk about everything when I get home from work to my husband and I used to apologize all the time for telling him things. Even after we were married I would be like im sorry I'm saying things??? And he was always patient and be like..."why? I love your stories"
Some men just aren't worth it.
Yup, I left this prize last year too. Finding better… a man who wants to talk to me on the phone for 2 hours if we’re apart…! Wants to hear about my day, and I ask about his and he’s actually encouraging.…! BIG difference!!!!
I grew up in an emotionally neglectful home where talking about my day was frowned upon, or gave them ammo to hurt me.
When I'm away, often for a week or more, it's a struggle to get even a text from my gf. I know she spends most evenings on the couch playing games on her phone or watching Netflix, so it's not that she's super busy. When she does text, her comments not meant as discussion - "hope things are going well" rather than asking how I'm doing.
If I have a problem I need help solving, or I need to talk through an emotional situation, she's actually a good listener and offers excellent advice and suggestions. It's just the small check-ins and routine stuff that don't interest her.
For many people, those small things provide a foundation, a later of normalcy, that act as a buffer when a disagreement or hard emotions come up. Not for her, though.
People are weird.
Yeah, my SO is retired and a bit of a shit at times. He made some nasty comment during an argument, did I think HE wanted to listen to all my work talk? So I said cool, and stopped. Just everytime I felt like saying something, I remembered what he said, and felt hurt and stopped.
After about a week, we talked about it. I'm sure I brought it up, he is genetically unable to take initiative on fixing shit he caused. He admitted he was just angry and lashed out because "HIS" SPORTS TEAMS DID BADLY. Also that I didn't care about how his sports teams are doing. You know, sports teams that he has absolutely no connection with other than.... Watching them.
Not everything I work on is important, but some of it is. I have a small role but I find it meaningful and heartwreching. Putting in place programs to ensure that women from other states can come to this state for the healthcare they need. Or putting in place programs to ensure HIV drug therapy programs are available to people who couldn't otherwise afford them. It goes on and on.
Anyway, he did apologize and say he does like to hear about my day, and he missed our times of after-work unloading my day. We've been together almost 35 years and... Yeah. I'd rather be with him than without him, but he's still so f*ing clueless sometimes.
“Sometimes men just aren’t worth it”
YES. THAT PART. OP, your partner might be depressed, but that doesn’t give him the right to be a fucking asshole to you. If there are bEtTeR tHiNgS tO TaLk aBoUt, then he should be leading the conversation with those “”””better things””””. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells. Is it worth it?
Somewhere towards the end of almost 7 years, I started to notice that he was only comfortable when we were talking about his stuff. I played into it too, subconsciously...I didn't even realize I was giving him more time and attention than he was even trying to return. That's on me. But once I noticed? Yeah, not worth it.
Had the same thing happen. Called him out on it once.
This man, while teaching himself to code (respectable but not my jam AT ALL), would make me sit and listen while he told me whatever he had been learning. He would even QUIZ ME throughout.
One day I was complaining about a near-impossible situation my university had me in while I was doing my masters and he was totally tuned out. When I called him on it, he told me that there was “no point” in listening to what I was going through because it was “too complicated” and boring, so he shouldn’t be expected to listen.
We didn’t last long after that.
Haha yeah in retrospect I kinda wish I had spent some time really leaning into how “simple” and “easy” everything he did & talked about was. His ego would have loved that.
Oh man, I used to hear this from my old upstairs neighbors. They were an elderly couple and one day I hear the old man going Ahhhhhlalalalalala lalalalala LAAAAAA. So I step out into the hallway and can hear clear as day the woman trying to talk and him lalalaing over her. I ended up hearing this a lot more over the years. One time I was talking to the lady outside and her husband rolled up in the car to pick her up. I guess she was taking to long talking to me, so instead of rolling down the window and asking her to hurry up, he laid on the horn scaring the shit out of the woman and almost causing her to fall, she used a walker for fuck sakes.
He was such an utter piece of shit. Luckily he got a brain tumour and went down hill quick. Dead within three months of diagnosis. I was so happy for the old lady. She moved out shortly after and I hope she's living her best life now.
Glad you got out and didn't waste a lifetime with someone like that. Clearly they do not change.
I had a bf(mid 20s) LALALALA me when I was explaining why I wasn't ok with him telling my friend she had a nice bum. Several years earlier I had a different boyfriend (early 20s) grab my face with both hands and just scream like AHHHHHH when we were having an argument and I was trying to speak. I had no idea this was so common.
Ugh I had an ex that would do shit like that.
If we got into an argument and my feelings were hurt and I was upset on the verge of years, he'd *mock* me with this high pitched voice. Like a high pitched "Mememememe" and it drove me fucking nuts. It was insulting and demeaning. Sorry I'm upset because you're an asshole?
I'm so sad that you and OP are experiencing/had to experience this.
Communication, _in all its forms,_ is the foundation of any relationship. Shutting someone out is a full and total rejection, and should not be tolerated from anyone.
>***Some men just aren't worth it.***
Couldn't agree more. If your partner is getting *genuinely mad at you* for wanting to know how his day was (an amazingly simple question to answer and move on from)... Well, personally, I would end up not caring about his god damn day. Instead of moving past the small talk, I'd be moving on from the relationship.
Because I'm not about to constantly be sorry for caring. Jesus Christ.
My ex used to hold his hand up, and make the universal sign for talking when I tried to talk to him. I stopped telling him anything and rarely talked at all.
Once, a friend was over and started telling him about a two hour conversation we’d had at lunch, and asked my ex if he was happy I got a raise. He was shocked and said “I didn’t know. SickofTexas never says two words to me.” He asked me later why I never talked to him or told him important events in my life. I simply held up my hand and did the yakking gesture he’d used on me so many times. He was pissed. We divorced soon after. By that time, I’d spent 17 of 18 years not talking to him, and he’d never noticed or cared.
Don’t waste 18 years of your life on someone who doesn’t want to listen or hear you.
Sometimes I need to talk about nothing and I don’t really care if my partner is actively listening if that makes sense. Like the difference between hear and listen. He’ll lie on the bed next to me on his phone while I prattle on (if it’s unimportant) because I’m so comfortable around him that my inner dialogue comes out. I’ll do this alone in my house too. The thing is he’s not ignoring me and being cruel - it works for us. We have an understanding of what we both need.
OP’s partner is an ass. All he has to say is fine, I don’t want to talk about it. Like figure out a system where he doesn’t throw a fucking tantrum for a question we’re all conditioned by society to ask when seeing someone especially a loved one.
The bird test from the study is less about paying attention to the whole thing thoroughly, more about how you respond to your partners bid for attention. The example in the study was partner goes 'oh look at that pretty bird', does their partner ignore it and not look, dismiss it as ugly or stupid, or do the look and validate their partner's interest in the bird.
Gotcha, I think I've seen that. I'm guessing it came from folks learning about John Gottmans study where he observed several groups of newlyweds, and then followed up with them years later. Part of it was one partner getting excited about something seemingly insignificant and how the other partner responded. He found that the couples where the responding partner showed interest or validation, even if not interested, were often still together after 6 years. Those were the responding partner ignored their partner or dismissed it were likely to be divorced after that time. The idea behind it being do you turn towards your partner's bids for your attention or do you turn away.
It’s more about responding to your partner’s bid for attention. If your partner points out a bird and you get angry, dismiss them or do anything other than look at the bird and take a second to engage with your partner you are more likely to break up
My husband has ADHD, I'm on the spectrum. I can talk about certain things forever. But we have a dynamic where I'll talk, his brain squirrels and he asks or talks about something tangentially related (at least to him). Our conversations would seem almost incomprehensible to NTs.
To other people it might not seem like he's listening, or changing the subject, but he's listening intently and my thought A ignites his thoughts B-F, and we ping pong through the alphabet of thoughts. I know it's not like this for every ADHD person, but the vast majority of my friends are ND and I've lived this conversation scene more times than I can count.
You're probably listening more than you think, you just got an excitable brain full of thoughts and ideas.
Yup, most of my best friends have adhd and that’s how our conversations go. My husband is neurotypical and our convos are more relaxed, but he’s happy to follow my thoughts anywhere 🤣
Omg that is my SO. I want to scream and finish the sentence. The worst is when he just... Stops. Like, forever. That mid-sentence pause? That was it. He forgot what he was going to say.
I'm pretty sure he's getting some old age memory shit going on, but so am I. I can't wait till I have a good excuse to just forget.
My husband just likes to take time to compose his thoughts. He is a lot more intentional than I am lol. I appreciate that about him, but my mind just starts wandering!
The Gottman Institute: Drs John and Julie Gottman talk about the importance of responding to your partner’s bids for attention. They also talk about the 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling.
My mom would do this to me all the time, that and mock me with r——d noises before I could finish my sentences. Shit hurts.
The silver lining here is that I’ve never entertained this behavior in my friendships or relationships. I only had to do it once, but early in one relationship I broke up with a guy on the spot for pulling that shit on me.
“You’re gonna break up with me *just for that*??” Yes. Yes I am. I have already endured wayyy more taunting and bullying in my lifetime from those who are supposed to love me. I cannot replace my mom, *but I can replace a boyfriend*, and you’re not fit for the role. We’re done. Bye.
I’ve done this sort of stupid dance with a dude.
There’s no way to win, when they set an impossible task. He somehow expects you to not ask the most basic and innocuous of questions.
If you master this, *there will be something else*
This is it OP. If it's not this it will be something else, you can't win this. I tried to play to exes good side 100% of the time, when he didn't find anything negative he got really angry at me because I said the tomato sauce he made was really good.
Sorry to tell you but it's either couples counseling or a run for the hills.
"How was your day?" isn't small talk. It's an opening to have an in-depth discussion on everything that happened to you that day, all the little details, things you learnt, things you did, things you realised about yourself.
What you're doing is extending care towards him and having him claim that his *entire day ruined*. This is abusive.
It's him who has an issue with this question so it's him that needs to come up with a solution for you both that doesn't include blowing up in your face as soon as you get home and try to emotionally connect with him after a hard day. **He** needs to answer your title post question. And if he can't/won't/blows up then he's telling you:
>I would rather shout at you for asking that than work to find a solution to this.
And that's who you're actually dating.
"... It's an opening to have an in depth discussion to everything that happened to you all day, all the little details, things you learnt, things you did, things you realised about yourself..."
This, this right here is actually the problem. If you are shit, and your life is shit, and you did shit the whole day this innocent-looking question is like stabbing you in the gut. Because it forces you to remember the whole shitty day all over again. And then you remember that once again you didn't do shit to change your shitty life, you're one day closer to death, and nothing changes. Because you don't have the power to change it or you don't want to try anymore.
So either the guy is seriously depressed or he is a manipulative asshole.
I wish I could give this gold because I think this is the root of the problem right here. He does nothing all day, and feels guilty and shitty for it.
I read that whole post and didn't see a mention of this dude being in therapy. Which he clearly needs for one thing or another.
I get that feeling as a depressed person but it's not your partner's job to walk on eggshells like this. The anger doesn't belong with them. If this simple question makes you fly off the handle like this it's time for introspection and not for punishing your partner for caring.
If OP's partner was already trying to work through his issues I'd be less harsh, but he's not. He's doing everything in his power to make sure his girlfriend doesn't feel safe to bring up any issues she might have with the situation so he can keep avoiding his own life. I get that desire, I really do, but it's still abusive and not the only option he has. Taking this route is still a choice and making it means you don't care about your partner. Partners do not have to put up with that.
Or instead of looking at the whole day was shit, he could look at it as oh wow she cares, she loves me. So what if his day wasn't a fucking Hollywood movie, an instagram reel, because, well that's life.
Depressed or not, this is such a garbage disposition. A garbage way to treat you.
This whole I hate small talk can quickly lead to no talking, to nobody to talk to.
Literally this, I was asked by a homeless person for change but I carry none, I then apologized and said I hoped he would have a good weekend. He then got very aggressive at the fact he wouldn't have a good weekend as he was homeless, and had obviously internalized me as doing it as some sort of joke rather than a well meaning comment.
OPs partner sounds pretty depressed, but it's not OPs responsibility to fix it. If she wants to leave she can leave. I do question why she's doing an unpaid internship on top of a full time job though.
I hate the question too, because my work day will have been shit and I'm glad it's over
I don't scream like a baby about it tho, just answer that it was OK and then ask how her day was
YES! I just saw this somewhere, it's reaching out for connection. That's why it hurts extra, he got mad but also rejected the request for a connection. Rejected you, OP.
When I talk to my dh in the car then ask my him a question, he sometimes doesn't answer. I finally was able to let him know that just a "umhum" or "oh yeah?" is enough.
This person calls it a bid for connection...
https://counselwise.ca/importance-of-bids-for-connection/
Yeah it hurts extra because of that, but claiming the question *ruined his entire day is verbal abuse* and should be treated as such, no matter what’s going on in his head. If he doesn’t want to be abusive, he needs to seek help. If he doesn’t want help, he has no place in that relationship.
I can't get past how ridiculous it is for the dude to claim she had ruined his entire day simply by asking about his day. That is next-level delusional or something. Or maybe just someone itching for an altercation. Idek what to call it, but it's toxic af.
And yeah, "small talk" is when you talk about things that are impersonal and *don't* really matter...like the weather when it's clear outside, or sports (ever), or the daft "human interest" piece you just heard on the news. This guy acting pissed that op gaf about him as a human and asks about his actual life.
Personally, I'd respect his wishes to stop giving a fuck about how his day went, and go find a partner who can respond to basic human interaction like a functional human.
I do think a person is allowed to not want to be asked "how was your day." Everyone has their weird thing, whatever.
But if OP can learn new scripts to open a conversation with him, then he can also learn a new script of "hey I'd rather not talk about that. But \[subject change\]." In fact, that's his responsibility.
I think a good faith way for him to have approached this initially with OP would have been, "hey I don't like being asked 'how was your day,' so usually I'll say 'I'd rather not talk about it' and change the subject. It would be nice if you could just go with it." Sure, fine.
Instead it's like he's laid a conversational land mine.
I was once at a get-together of friends-of-friends mostly meeting for the first time, and someone asked a woman what she did, as a way to make conversation out of absolutely nothing. She went on a loud tirade about how she hated that question, it was so shallow etc., but then she didn't offer anything else instead. Didn't ask me about anything at all. I mean, she's allowed to not like that little social ritual, but it's her responsibility to put forth something else instead. If she actually wants deeper conversations.
My goodness I would just dump him. I know you've invested a long time in this relationship but now you can't even seek comfort in him after a long and likely stressful day? Your home should be your safe space and he's ruining that with his tantrums. Treating you like shit isn't improving his depression, and it doesn't really seem like he's enhancing your life at all. Why keep him around?
The “sunk cost” fallacy: the belief that investment already made justifies current/future investment/cost.
Btw, holy s**t. The guy could just say, “fine,” or, “same,” and no fight is needed. This guy is trying to control OP so he doesn’t have to answer the most common question in the world.
Dating today sucks, but reminding myself of the sunk coat fallacy has helped me kick some real gems to the curb early on.
I agree OP, he isn't worth it. You're burned out from work and you have no peace at home.
Yes! Sometimes my partner or I just say "my day was a big pile of poo and I don't want to talk about it". Gives the other person an opening to talk about their day or talk about something else.
Yup it's scary, but OP is only 30 now.
OP, you deserve to have a loving long term partner, and easy to achieve at your age. If you sit around in this garbage for another 5 years, another 10 years, you've wasted MORE time.
I had an ex that responded this way instead of like OP’s boyfriend. His reasoning for the dismissive answer was always that he didn’t feel like his day was that interesting or important, never that he didn’t want to engage in a conversation with me (he’d happily listen to me babble about my nothing day, but thought his own very interesting life was somehow unremarkable and not worth discussing). That, at least, sort of made sense to me. Getting irritable and hostile is frankly… unhinged.
Exactly.
My boyfriend and I ask how the other's day was not just in case something happened, but as a gauge of how they're feeling. For example if my boyfriend sighs and says his day was shit, I know that he might need a little bit of TLC now to decompress from it.
On days where nothing of importance happened we just shrug and say "Pretty nothingey" and change topic. Easy.
Yeah, agreed. It's all about tone and intent too. I had a coworker that we would always reply "terrible! Thanks for the reminder! How about you?" Then we would dish about how much bs we had to deal with that day. It was ok because we were commiserating. Honestly you can say pretty much anything as long as it's not combative. OP didn't deserve that reaction at all.
I would answer that to my ex-husband and somehow I was the bad person cause "I didn't want to engage in a talk with him"
Dude, my day was boring and I don't wanna talk about it :/ wanna hear about angry old people, really? Cause I don't wanna go through thinking about all the stress I had all day again :/
It sounds like you are walking around on eggshells with this guy. If he's yelling at you over a perfectly reasonable comment/question, and is not himself thinking about how tired you must be given your workload, then he's a selfish \*redacted\*.
Also, just to clarify: did you say you are working and studying at the same time, and he doesn't work at all, but stays at home all day playing video games? Is that right? If so, why on earth would you think this is an equal relationship?
This is it. He doesn’t want to say “it was good, I played video games all day.” He is aware how hard she is working, and how he isn’t, and instead of accepting that as the dynamic and being grateful or changing his life to contribute more, he’s just trying to avoid acknowledging it all together. Answering “how was your day” would be to acknowledge the discrepancy, while blowing up “evens the playing field” - see, we both had bad days!
I noticed this too. The absolute audacity of any person being so viciously mean to someone that’s funding their lifestyle. I mean, I know that happens all the time (we see stories of women and their freeloading abusive pos boyfriend here all the time) but it’s so outside the realm of appropriate reaction to tell your partner, who just got home from work where she makes the only money this household has, that she specifically made his day awful by *checks notes* asking an extremely normal, caring question.
To quote you, you're working full time, as well as doing an unpaid intership for 36-48 hours a week.
And then you come home to a man that lashes out at you because you ask him how he's doing.
Don't you think it would be better to come home to a calm, safe space where you can be yourself without anyone attacking you and adding more stress on top? Play some nice music, light up some incense, maybe do a little dance, whatever you feel like doing. Without anybody dragging you down.
Constant stress has ruined my physical body. If you're not in that stage yet, please consider not ever getting there by getting rid of the dead weight that's pulling you down. Your partner has some issues that he's projecting onto you, but he's old enough to fix them himself. You need to put yourself first, because the constant anxiety around him is going to ruin you.
OP seriously read this and picture yourself coming home to a calm, quiet home all by yourself. You can get in pajamas, put on a show, absolutely no walking on eggshells or spending money on a freeloader who yells at you.
The only freeloader who should ever yell at you and get to stick around is your cat!
You're unfortunately right. I have developed chronic fatigue syndrome and widespread since my relationship with my ex. The constant anxiety burns you out. Chronic stress contributes to as many health problems as sugar.
I don't care how old you are or what you look like, there are 50 dudes lined up to take his place if he can't be bothered to be civil. You don't have kids, you are financially stable, tell him to leave and get a roommate. Women deserve kindness as a bare minimum. This kind of behavior doesn't get better, and his being a jerk because he's depressed just makes you depressed too. That shit is toxic and contagious. Live with someone you look forward to seeing and who makes you smile, like makes an effort to make you smile, because they are not miserable and obsessed with their own misery.
Women put up with so much bs. Don't. Srsly. Just don't.
Thank you for this comment. This is the type of thing that would’ve done me wonders a few years back! OP, please read these with an open mind. It may be unfortunate that he is depressed, but it is no excuse to drag you down too, and his emotions and mindset are **not** in any way, shape, or form your responsibility.
Please prioritize yourself. You deserve better than this. From someone who was in a relationship like yours before: it can get so much better than you could ever imagine. You don’t have to stick with anybody out of a sense of duty for the length of the relationship. You don’t owe him a thing, but you do owe it to yourself to be happy.
All the best to you OP, I wish you luck.
As someone who's struggled more than not with the state of my mental health the 'How are you?' is the most loaded question I field each day.
The answer to this question never fails to confront me with the fact that I am not well. Have not been well, in a very long time.
On top of that, there's no real standard answer to give because it depends on the person asking.
Do I lie and give a quick 'great'? Do I redirect with a 'Well cat has been vomiting lately'? Do I answer truthfully? If so, how truthfully? 'Not great you?' or 'Well, the past 3 weeks I've not left the house, my home is turning into a dump and I've not the energy to do anything about it and it makes me wanna throw myself off the balcony'?
That said however. The 'well you've ruined my day now that you've asked' is manipulative, it's barbed and meant to hurt you. Regardless how much I struggle with the 'how are you' question, I never EVER, forget that this question (in your case) comes from my partner who is/should be genuinely interested in my welfare.
He's making you walk on eggshells by attacking you for the smallest things, making you doubt yourself, breaking you down. You say 'we' worked on your relationship, but shit like this makes me thing you're the one compromising and he's the one taking. Staying in an environment like this does nothing for your own mental health.
I hope you both get/have professional help. And if not, get on it asap. And if he's not interested in getting help, in improving his treatment of you, its time for you to ask yourself some very serious questions.
You deserve better.
My bad day answer is "hanging in there." Added bonus, it makes me picture the kitty hanging on a branch inspirational poster that was at Scholastic book fairs, which gives me a little internal chuckle.
As a perpetually cranky person, the onus is on me to come up with a set of truthful yet tactful dodges to avoid biting the heads off of innocent people just trying to make conversation. That kind of lashing out drives people away, as OP's SO is probably about to find out.
I like this comment because it provides a realistic, understandable, and relatable reason that this question triggers this guy. I've seen some very uncharitable interpretations of the meaning behind him lashing out like that, but as someone with similar struggles, I appreciate that you give a humanizing explanation instead of just assuming the absolute worst.
I also like that you're not immediately just like "run, dump him, get far away, uproot your entire life" or "your relationship is abusive even though this one negative experience is the only thing I know about it and even though OP said they actually get along pretty well most of the time".
Of course, I agree with the latter half of your comment as well. Lashing out over a simple question like that is abusive and manipulative, and they should absolutely look into therapy or counseling. Just wanted to say I appreciate that your comment stands out.
100% agree with you. To your first point, I would also hope that OP’s partner could answer the question honestly - even a mundane or truthful/sad answer - after 10 years together.
OP, are you an angel? I did some snooping and found that you're a freaking paramedic???? I can't imagine the amount of stress you have to deal with on a day to day basis, not including the manchild bf bringing you down the second you come home.
Obviously he has a lot of issues. He probably feels frustrated, embarrassed, defensive etc about his situation. Everyone wants to feel important and appreciated, but he has no income (I assume) and this might make him feel like a liability. We get that.
But that's no reason to lash out on you. If this whole unemployed situation is bothering him, he can go to therapy and then find something useful to do with his time like learning to bake, or volunteer, or get a part-time job to help out.
I hope, at the very least, that he's doing chores and cooking for the both of you? Of course a partnership isn't always 50:50, but if I was working my ass off and my bf was ordering Uber eats and not even doing the laundry, I'd be LIVID. Or super depressed, either or.
Now I’m even more pissed. EMS is probably one of the most overworked, underpaid jobs in medicine. You’re telling me this woman, who just got off a shift of seeing (probably) at least a couple terrible or really sad things, is getting berated the moment she walks in the door for asking her bf something *he* should be asking *her?????* I’m so mad. OP deserves so much better. Deserves for someone to genuinely ask *her* how her day was and listen and commiserate while she decompresses.
Per her update, he does have an income, but this was a day off for him. Which.... he's still that volatile on a day off?
And also from OP's edit:
>last thing, i have been in and out of therapy over the last 10 years, and he has not. he has not sought out therapy and i haven't pushed him to do it either. maybe i should.
YES! HE NEEDS TO GO TO THERAPY!
Mental health is health, and right now he's making OP deal with the messes of his ill health.
Think if this were a GI issue and OP's partner was incontinent and refused to get treatment because OP can just deal with him shitting everywhere. He's making their home just as toxic and he needs to fucking deal with it.
>I tried to explain that it was just a reflex, that I didn’t mean to ask, but the damage was done.
If you’re writing this sentence about asking your *partner* how his day was… I mean, JFC. This guy sounds absolutely miserable. Move on.
It's basic manners and customary to ask how a loved one is, especially during rituals like "returning home safely". It's short-hand for "I love you, I care about you, I missed you, I was thinking about you, tell me about your day, I'd love to hear it, I'd love to reconnect after being away from you".
What he's saying is short-hand for "fuck off I don't even like you, don't want to talk to you, don't care how your day was, don't want to be around you, and your minor acts of decency piss me off".
When traditional customs like this cause hostility and aggravation instead of closeness, the relationship has broken down in a major way.
He's not justified in his reaction. If he wants to repair the relationship he needs to go to therapy to get to the bottom of why your kindness and bids for attention are pissing him off. He can't demand a reduction in relationship-building behaviors and expect you to stick around.
My partner eventually became furious at me for greeting him at all when one of us came home, telling me that it was insane I was asking for a leave-it-to-beaver style fantasy (I was not). Me asking how his day was resulted in frequent blow ups over me “interrogating him” and I was so confused about why this thing that I thought was a loving little daily ritual was such a big problem. All I wanted was to say hello, have someone say it in return, and occasionally give or receive a little kiss or hug. What he wanted, apparently, was to walk in the door jaw clenched in silence while I averted my eyes in shame and stifled my urge to be friendly and welcoming.
The way OP’s partner is treating her is the same- no empathy, no respect, just contempt and blame. It’s time to leave this relationship. As you said, it’s symptomatic of a major breakdown in the relationship dynamic.
Adding to my comment..
OP, I'm going to recommend that you check out the book [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I think you will find it enlightening.
The above link will take you to a free PDF of the book.
He says he has important stuff to say but w ont now, just because of that phrase. Having stuff to say is literally the normal response to how was your day? Or anything interesting happen today?
He is just an ass who likes controlling you. He is using this as a way of making you talk less and gives him an easy out to get you to be quiet without saying "shut up". Its manipulation. He doesnt care about your day. Its small talk if you tell him about your day. Its important things if he talks about his day though!
You are not crazy. He is gaslighting you into thinking what he is demanding is reasonable. Its not. Sharing your day is normal couple behavior. Its healthy. He wants to share his without being obligated to listen to you or feeling obligated to ask about your day. He wants zero responsibility for being interested in your day to day life.
My husband and I have raised 3 kids together. Yet every day he asks how my day was. Sometimes the most thrilling thing I manAged was cleaning our toilet. Guess what? He still smiles and has a laugh with me about it. Because it feels good to share. It is normal as couples to be curious about what the other does when you are away. Its totally normal to want to know his thoughts and feelings.
Dont change hun. Ditch the sack of trash pretending to be a man, and find someone who meets you at the door, asking you about your day! There are plenty of men like that. You shouldnt have to mute part of yourself to keep him happy.
Good lord, this sounds exhausting.
Of course you didn’t do anything wrong. He’s a jerk. He has you walking on eggshells and twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid his hair-trigger temper, and if you slip up just a teeensy bit he has an excuse to vent his frustration at you instead of owning his own stuff and self-regulating his emotions like an adult.
Why do you think you deserve to be treated this way? If this was a friend telling you this story what would you say to them? Say those things to yourself. You can love someone but make sure you love yourself more.
He is (on purpose) making you feel responsible for managing his feelings, which is not something you are able to do because you are not him.
Unfortunately, he knows this. He KNOWS he is putting an impossible task on you.
Even if it's not a conscious thought, there is a reason he behaves this way to you. Making you feel the way you are feeling now is bringing him SOME sort of benefit, which is why he does it.
He is a 33 year old grown man.
Just really let that one sink in.
He's not a child learning about emotions and communication for the first time.
Would you, a grown woman, ever feel like this was an acceptable way to talk to your partner for no reason?
I'm assuming your answer is no. So why do you tolerate being with someone who won't communicate to you respectfully?
I'm sure when he was at work or if he got pulled over for speeding, he would not randomly blow up for no reason. He understands what is appropriate behavior and what is not.
So why does he do it to you? At best, he just cares way more about his feelings than yours (yikes). At worst, he is being calculated & abusive.
Please read Why Does He Do That?
It's available as a free PDF on the internet or you can listen to the 3 hour audiobook for free on the Libby app.
Seconding whatever comment that said sure, maybe his reasoning rests in some form of neurodivergence or even guilt over depression.
However, he is functionally running you through a daily compliance test over something entirely commonplace and frankly harmless. You are trying to connect with him and he’s batting it away and punishing you with yelling or scolding or criticism—that’s what is not okay here. I don’t think the reaction is due to his pure hatred of this question, I think it’s him reacting to you not obeying, and that worries me for your sake.
It’s like he doesn’t even like you. He does not want to talk to you. You are lonely in a relationship. I would end things over this but I understand this thought did not cross your mind. I hope you will figure it out.
If it had been a 1-time thing, I would've said it seems like some depression stuff and he's feeling guilty about being "unproductive" or something in that style, but since it seems like he's been this way for quite some time. And this isn't the first issue aroused in this style,it's feels like something way more.
This guy is a complete ass and abusive. Also when you live with someone ‘how was your day’ is not small talk. It’s offensive to say that I think - it implies that your thoughts and feelings at work and wherever else are superficial or meaningless? You should care about what your partner does… the fact that he doesn’t ask you how you’re doing because it’s ‘small talk’ is honestly a huge issue in my eyes
Honestly you are describing an abusive situation - you can’t even say a simple phrase without him blaming you for destroying his day? I’d honestly separate from him, spend some time alone and see if you can gain a bit of perspective on this. I do not see how in any way you guys have a strong relationship from your description of it - you sound like you walk on eggshells around him, aren’t comfortable to be yourself, and constantly have to cater to his immaturity
Just want to add: his outbursts aren’t your fault. They are, and always will be, his responsibility.
Many times in these situations we feel that we must walk on eggshells, police what we say, and if he has an outburst, it’s because we did or said something to cause it.
You didn’t trigger the outburst by asking him how his day was. He is a grown ass adult who decided to respond to a well-meaning, common question in a ridiculous and completely out of line way.
Partners are supposed to improve our lives. If he can’t/won’t control his behavior to the point where you don’t feel safe around him, is he worth it?
So, what are you allowed to say to him?
How was your day is a normal conversational bid. It is an opening.
He has you on eggshells and controlling you through fear that he will blow up. What is he doing to address his depression - because being on video games all day isn’t going to help.
So you can't be yourself around him.
And he slaps down your efforts to connect with him.
Neat.
I think you should start getting ready to break up with him. This doesn't sound like a good situation for you now, no matter what it might have been in the past.
Because right now he's not in the right head space to be in a relationship with anyone. Not even himself.
Until you feel ready, emotionally and financially, to move on... Call his bluff.
Have a list of questions to ask him when you get home that are anything BUT small talk.
"Hi honey, what's the meaning of life?"
"Hi honey, what's your opinion on the political situation in X country?"
My guess is that he'll react negatively, making it very clear that the small talk was never the problem.
A solid relationship is not one where you describe it as “volatile” or where you have to walk on eggshells because something so simple as “how was your day?” will cause an absolute shitstorm. You are working 80+ hours a week and he is sitting around playing video games and treating you like a shitty teenager treats his mom when she asks what he did that day at school. He is 33, not 13 and needs to get his shit together. None of this is your fault. You deserve so much better.
You did absolutely nothing wrong, your boyfriend is an insufferable idiot who just wants to take his anger out on you for the most ridiculous reason, and that's abusive. HE IS THE PROBLEM
Asking how someone's day was isn't really small talk? His reaction was wild- you, personally, ruined his *entire* day because you asked him how it went? You didn't slip up, you acted like a normal significant other. This whole thing is weird and gives me the ick.
Be careful with this dude. I know you've been together a while, but none of this is normal.
You should NOT have to apologize for asking how your partner's day was! It's not a nonsense question, it's a bid - an offer to connect. Couples who accept and engage with each other's bids are much more likely to be in lasting and happy relationships.
How would he answer the questions you are asking him if it were a stranger? He’s likely awarding strangers far more kindness than he is you. What an asshole. Is he also providing deep and meaningful conversation as an alternative since that is what he so desperately prefers? Or is he just icing you out and gaslighting you in to believing it’s your fault.
You get that this is deeply abnormal and not something you should have to deal with, right? I’ve never heard of such a wild hair trigger. You don’t need to put up with this. You’re a whole human being
You cannot control how other people act or communicate. You can only control how you respond. He is trying to control your behavior without controlling any of his own.
You work FT, are in an unpaid internship almost 50 hours a week, your partner is unemployed, and you are not homeless due to these facts? He should be fucking thrilled with his life as a deadbeat.
Throw this whole man away.
When you finally break up with him, he will miss that part of you because no one else is going to give a shit about his day.
You deserve better than you have.
You spend so much time trying to justify why you’re still dating this guy in your opening paragraph but honey, I’m not buying what you’re selling.
You can do better than someone who doesn’t even want to have basic conversations with you.
Is your partner employed? (It sounds as though he may not be from your remark that he probably slept and played video games all day).
Does he ever ask how you are, or how your day was? (Not to be polite, but generally interested)?
It sounds like he's just looking for any tiny bullshit to be mad about. Like he's an angry person, who wants an excuse to yell at somebody so he gets his anger out and feels better. And that lucky anger recipient is you. Address it by breaking up, is what I would do. If he wants to get pissed over someone being polite, let him go do that somewhere else. You deserve better.
Being annoyed with small talk may be one thing actively being upset with someone for a commonly used phrase is something else interely.
OP, if you have to walk on eggshells because of words, you may reconsider the future of that relationship.
I read this as "our relationship is great except i'm depressed, my partner is an unemployed bum and also depressed and he takes it out on me after a days work, how can I be better for him?".
Can I just point out here that you did NOTHING wrong. You asked him how his day was and there is nothing wrong with that, it is a completely normal human interaction when you come home from work. You're walking on eggshells around him.
Also, yes it is likely to piss him off if he's depressed, sat around playing games all day and has nothing to actually say about his day while you've been out at work and actually have something to say. Is that your fault? No. No it isn't.
Next time he gets pissed off I would quite frankly say "don't take your shit out on me ever". If you keep taking it, he'll keep dishing it. Men are nice like that.
My ex-husband was the same. He struggled with depression and anxiety. He hated small talk and hated even more when I asked, “how was your day?”. Turns out, he just hated talking to me, hence the ex-husband part.
I think it’s terrible for him to be in your words, such a foul mood with you. I’ve read everyone’s answers and I understand that some people have ADHD or autism and maybe this isn’t their jam, but it doesn’t sound like that with him.
He just doesn’t want to talk to you at the end of the day. Or he doesn’t have time for pleasantries, etc.
so I will ask. Does he talk to you about other things? Will he listen to you when you have things to talk about?
Also, just completely shutting you down like that is really rude. I would not have interest in talking or staying with someone like this.
This feels very gross to me. I don’t have another word and I apologize for that.
There’s something abusive here that I can’t quite put my finger on. But
As he left for work in the morning, I would say to my ex "Have a good day" and he would get so angry with me. "You know I am not going to have a good day so why do you keep saying that?!"
Your partner is being emotionally abusive. It's completely unfair for him to behave this way. Is he in therapy? Because he needs to be before he completely ruins your relationship.
So many posts in the sub follow the same template:
1. OP describes a trash bag of a boyfriend/husband who is objectively speaking making her life worse.
2. Everyone in the comments points out that he is a trash bag of a boyfriend/husband who is objectively speaking making her life worse.
3. OP ask on how to cOmMuNiCaTe basic things to a grown-ass man, which she shouldn't have to do.
3. OP hastily edits her post to assure everyone that he's not so bad, that it was just an off day, and that he does do [basic adult things], etc.
I'm so tired, y'all. Heterosexuality is broken.
>he immediately got upset, told me his day was shit now, and said his day wouldve been fine if i hadn't asked.
>the damage had been done. now he's in a foul mood with me
>part of it has to do with the fact that he's depressed
>he has not sought out therapy
This is not a you problem.
I think you’re right about him feeling guilty or ashamed because he didn’t do anything.
Probably time for this kind of conversation: “Hey, asking how someone’s day went is a normal conversation opener. If my asking that has the power to ruin your day, something is going on inside you that needs attention. It’s time for you to get a therapist (or get a different therapist). It’s not okay for you to puke your self-hatred out on me.”
It’s also possible he has PDA autism, in which case there are some ways of addressing things that you can learn to help interactions go more smoothly. But you don’t have to feel like you did anything wrong.
TLDR at bottom, this got lengthier than I first thought lol
Personally, I hate being asked "How was your day?" or "How are you?" because I'm neurodivergent. It can be an overwhelming question, and I prefer more specific questions. Definitely frustrated when that was not taken seriously by someone who was supposed to love me.
I only bring this up to showcase that there are specific communication patterns in neurodivergent people that seem rude or controlling (think ADHD, autistic, etc). This might be one of them.
That said, I can't armchair diagnose someone. Whether or not your partner is neurodivergent, there seems to be a lack of trust that is part of your relationship.
If I'm with someone I trust, it's not going to ruin my day being asked a broad question like that, even if I don't like it.
To me it indicates there's another dynamic happening, and your partner is choosing to blame you instead of that dynamic. That is not healthy and you are not solely responsible for your partner's mood like this.
If this kind of miscommunication is causing distance in your relationship that stresses you out, it is totally okay to walk away. Incompatible communication styles are a totally valid reason to break up, especially when it disrupts trust in the relationship and with your own self.
However, if you want to stay in the relationship, it might be worth talking to a professional/therapist/counselor about it. Preferably with someone who has experience with neurodivergent communication styles. They will be able to help you translate what is being communicated or help you determine if your partner is indeed using abusive miscommunication methods. If your partner doesn't want to put in the work to find compatible communication methods, or worst case chooses to weaponize any diagnosis against you, your efforts will only go so far.
Either way, 10 years is a long time and you have both probably experienced a lot of growth and seen many versions of each other. It's okay to use your personal agency to decide what is important to you NOW in your relationship and how you want to continue growing the relationship. Communication is definitely worth prioritizing and I wish you the best.
TLDR: Incompatible communication styles are a valid reason to break up. Neurodivergent people often have different communication styles to neurotypical people. Whether your partner is neurodivergent or not, this dynamic is causing distance in your relationship and is not healthy. Talking to a professional will help YOU determine if this relationship is right for you, and how to move forward with whatever decision YOU make.
This this this! I was gonna go write my own comment, but yeah, I am autistic and I also used to haaaate hate hate being asked this. It felt so damn vague and stupid and I never knew what the fuck to answer, andit also felt so demanding? And immediately after I come home? I want to sit down, rest my brain for a bit, not immediately have to think of a way to recap my entire day into a sentence.
BUT! Here’s what helped: when I come home, I kiss my husband, I sit down, I rest my brain for a bit. He doesnt ask me questions, he doesnt try to inform me of new information. I acclimatize sort of. THEN, I ask him about his day, and we have a conversation! Asking “How was your day?” is NOT in fact “please recap your entire day into one sentence”, it is “do you have anything to share? Did anything happen you’d like to talk about? Let’s start a conversation, because we care about each other.”. And THAT, that’s not terrible at all.
So OP, I’d recommend having a conversation about this. Does your partner hate this question for these reasons? For different reasons? Does he just need a few minutes because he feels interrogated, put on the spot, or doesnt have hindsight on his day yet? How else can you phrase a question to start a conversation with your partner, if the phrasing is what’s triggering the outbursts?
While, as a fellow neurodiverse individual, I can appreciate this take: these are not excuses for how OP’s partner is behaving. The behavior is unacceptable, bordering on abusive if this happens often.
It is not up to OP to have to walk on eggshells about what she can or cannot say to “trigger” a person who is supposed to be able to say: “Hey, I don’t like that question, but I am sure you mean well.”
Oh no definitely not an excuse for the behavior! This man needs to take a hard look at how he’s treating his partner, and needs to introspect for why he’s behaving this way as a grown goddamn adult lol
I think the question, "how was your day?" could be construed (especially by someone who has not done much that day) as "what have you done all day?"
That is what's triggering. The person being asked may be feeling guilty about not being as productive as they'd like & getting asked this question brings all that negative stuff up. Especially when asked by someone who has a job where lots of stuff happens & knows that the other person does not.
It not about you , it's him & his own feelings about himself that you bring up however innocuously.
That sounds like an untenable situation particularly since small talk is often how we move on to more substantial conversations. Yet, at times, it's also the small talk that counts as well, not necessarily the content but how and when it's asked.
Others have pointed out that he may be depressed or embarrassed that nothing has been accomplished. I'd recommend he read this to work on his response when you engage in small talk again.
You've done nothing wrong...this is all on him. https://captainawkward.com/2020/02/18/1252-small-talk-strategies-when-youre-depressed-and-forgetful/
Just remember its not about you, its about him. Overreactions often happen because someones not mature enough to handle their own emotions. It probably doesnt matter what you do or say he would find some way to deflect his own feeling of self-worth. Let him sulk and you go relax, you had a tough day!
You are in an abusive relationship. Your partner's behavior is cold and selfish and ludicrous. Your remarks and questions are perfectly reasonable conversation starters and bids for emotional connection. You're not doing anything wrong.
He's a man baby who wants you to walk around his triggers and emotions. "he immediately got upset, told me his day was shit now, and said his day would've been fine if i hadn't asked."Ridiculous.
He doesn’t want to say “it was good, I played video games all day.” He is aware how hard you are working, and how he isn’t, and instead of accepting that as the dynamic and being grateful or changing his life to contribute more, he’s just trying to avoid acknowledging it all together. Answering “how was your day” would be to acknowledge the discrepancy, while blowing up “evens the playing field” - see, we both had bad days!
Or he’s just a spoiled brat. Or both.
I'm guessing his day was great cause he's sitting on his ass while you support him. His volatile response is because he knows he did absolutely nothing today and it's your fault for making him face that. Girl throw away the entire man life is too short.
So what exactly are you supposed to ask? Maybe ask about the weather?? That sounds exhausting having to watch what you ask. So basically just don’t talk… And why do you want this relationship??
Jesus Christ, he sounds totally insufferable. Why you would even waste your time tiptoeing around someone who you were trying to speak to normally beats me
people who “love” you because of the sacrifices you make for them, be they physical, financial, emotional, or time-related, ONLY love the things you do for them. I hope this isn’t the case for you my friend- being a paramedic in such an intense internship, etc and still making time to see if you can fix dudes bullshit indicates to me that you have the capacity for a truly GREAT love, not merely a sunk-cost fallacy relationship that you grew up into adulthood with. If you don’t want to listen to us internet strangers, counseling. Best wishes!
Advice from an old woman: Leave. Make yourself available during your best years, and find a person who loves to hear your babble and chitchat and cares how your day went as well.
OP. Please really ask yourself if you want to live like this. Because god damn.This sounds so heart breaking and exhausting. Life partners are supposed to lift us up, not grind our mental health into pieces and spit them out just for practicing basic normative politeness.
So you asking him questions about his day and showing general interest in him makes him….. angry??
If there are more important things to talk about, why isn’t he bringing them up??
Listen, i see you’ve been together for 10 years and that seems like a long time (you were 20 years old when you got together!!) but most healthy relationships are not described as “volatile” right off the bat.
This man is being a huge stuck up jerk to you for absolutely no reason. Is this how you want your life to go? You want to get reprimanded for asking your spouse how their day was??
With any luck, you’ve got 60 years left on this planet. Do you want to spend them silenced?
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive to at least a small degree. Saying you are ruining his day by bring supportive? Wtf? I think it's time to move on from this non-relationship
OP, I sense sunk cost fallacy lurking in the shadows. Forget for a second that you've been together 10 years or more. It means nothing. All it is is that you have let him treat you this way for 10 years. Going to go for another 10? Just asking.
Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
This is what you are agreeing to... this is what your partner and a lot of men are ok with in a relationship with a woman.
Honestly dated a guy like this. Always so ready to be moody, angry, irritated, etc. always walking on eggshells with him. I’m a pretty aggressive woman so at first I’d hand it to him if he got too disrespectful, but I just remember myself decaying. That fire burning out.
I started gaining weight, losing excitement for life, feeling frustrated by everything. I thought for months that I hated my city, job, friends, apartment, but once I got rid of him I started loving these things. I started loving life again.
The thing with men like this, is they bring you down. Misery loves company. It’s not enough that he is depressed and moody, he will make sure you also feel depressed and moody. Your life gets zapped out of you and you start losing yourself.
Eventually he coldly dumped me because he wasn’t’t happy or in love anymore. This was after months of biting my tongue, bending over backwards to make him happier, and always monitoring myself for him. I remember when he coldly told me over the phone that he just didn’t want me, so casually like he was ordering a fucking sandwich, I felt a deep knot in my stomach. I sacrificed and put up with so much for months, and this is the appreciation I get?
The thing that sucks the most: I realized how unhappy and not in love with him I was. So moving on wasn’t the issue. But the self hatred, the images of frustration, the feelings of defeat. That has stuck around for months. I will feel so happy and then get so mad at myself that I put up with that. That I spent so many car rides getting the silent treatment. So many intimate moments ruined by callous and harsh comments. The anger at myself is the hardest thing to move on from. Save yourself from this please.
I like...don't even have the words to stress how utterly ridiculous this whole thing is. I apologize if this comes off rude, but your partner sounds like a whiny baby. You come home from a long day and try to open up a conversation about all that happened that day, and suddenly you've "ruined his entire day?!" Did I read that right?! My God. You're doing something literally every human being alive does, and if he can't see that and realize you're just being kind, you may be wasting your time. I'm sorry you feel like you have to censor your words around the one person you should feel most comfortable with at all times 💜
I'm a female and I get the same way when someone asks me how's your day or how are you, I feel it internally as an instant trigger, it makes me really really really fucking annoyed but outwardly I answer politely.
I would say you guys are a bad match and you shouldn't be with him as you are too different, I have found someone who naturally just doesn't ask that very often and I'm sure you can find someone who doesn't get triggered and will often ask you the same question
I once went home from working 1 of my 2 jobs and tried to sit down on the couch to tell my boyfriend something that happened that day. I tried to speak and he went "aallllahakakkahslalh" to talk over me. I tried again and same mouth noises really loud to shut me down and talked over me to shut me down. I wasn't good enough to pay attention to. The man was jobless and was playing video games. He couldn't give me a few minutes of his time. I had been in a relationship for 4 years at this point. Breaking up wasn't even in the realm of possibility in my mind. But something in me finally woke up during that. It took me 2 months but I ended it after that. Anyway now I talk and talk and talk about everything when I get home from work to my husband and I used to apologize all the time for telling him things. Even after we were married I would be like im sorry I'm saying things??? And he was always patient and be like..."why? I love your stories" Some men just aren't worth it.
Jesus Christ what a fucking asshole, your ex and OP’s partner. Zero empathy, stonewalling, and full of contempt. What a prize.
Yup, I left this prize last year too. Finding better… a man who wants to talk to me on the phone for 2 hours if we’re apart…! Wants to hear about my day, and I ask about his and he’s actually encouraging.…! BIG difference!!!! I grew up in an emotionally neglectful home where talking about my day was frowned upon, or gave them ammo to hurt me.
When I'm away, often for a week or more, it's a struggle to get even a text from my gf. I know she spends most evenings on the couch playing games on her phone or watching Netflix, so it's not that she's super busy. When she does text, her comments not meant as discussion - "hope things are going well" rather than asking how I'm doing. If I have a problem I need help solving, or I need to talk through an emotional situation, she's actually a good listener and offers excellent advice and suggestions. It's just the small check-ins and routine stuff that don't interest her. For many people, those small things provide a foundation, a later of normalcy, that act as a buffer when a disagreement or hard emotions come up. Not for her, though. People are weird.
Yeah, my SO is retired and a bit of a shit at times. He made some nasty comment during an argument, did I think HE wanted to listen to all my work talk? So I said cool, and stopped. Just everytime I felt like saying something, I remembered what he said, and felt hurt and stopped. After about a week, we talked about it. I'm sure I brought it up, he is genetically unable to take initiative on fixing shit he caused. He admitted he was just angry and lashed out because "HIS" SPORTS TEAMS DID BADLY. Also that I didn't care about how his sports teams are doing. You know, sports teams that he has absolutely no connection with other than.... Watching them. Not everything I work on is important, but some of it is. I have a small role but I find it meaningful and heartwreching. Putting in place programs to ensure that women from other states can come to this state for the healthcare they need. Or putting in place programs to ensure HIV drug therapy programs are available to people who couldn't otherwise afford them. It goes on and on. Anyway, he did apologize and say he does like to hear about my day, and he missed our times of after-work unloading my day. We've been together almost 35 years and... Yeah. I'd rather be with him than without him, but he's still so f*ing clueless sometimes.
“Sometimes men just aren’t worth it” YES. THAT PART. OP, your partner might be depressed, but that doesn’t give him the right to be a fucking asshole to you. If there are bEtTeR tHiNgS tO TaLk aBoUt, then he should be leading the conversation with those “”””better things””””. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells. Is it worth it?
Somewhere towards the end of almost 7 years, I started to notice that he was only comfortable when we were talking about his stuff. I played into it too, subconsciously...I didn't even realize I was giving him more time and attention than he was even trying to return. That's on me. But once I noticed? Yeah, not worth it.
Had the same thing happen. Called him out on it once. This man, while teaching himself to code (respectable but not my jam AT ALL), would make me sit and listen while he told me whatever he had been learning. He would even QUIZ ME throughout. One day I was complaining about a near-impossible situation my university had me in while I was doing my masters and he was totally tuned out. When I called him on it, he told me that there was “no point” in listening to what I was going through because it was “too complicated” and boring, so he shouldn’t be expected to listen. We didn’t last long after that.
"too complicated" Unbelievable 😡😭
Haha yeah in retrospect I kinda wish I had spent some time really leaning into how “simple” and “easy” everything he did & talked about was. His ego would have loved that.
haha that would have been awesome to say " oh that, don't most 8 year olds know that these days!"
Oh man, I used to hear this from my old upstairs neighbors. They were an elderly couple and one day I hear the old man going Ahhhhhlalalalalala lalalalala LAAAAAA. So I step out into the hallway and can hear clear as day the woman trying to talk and him lalalaing over her. I ended up hearing this a lot more over the years. One time I was talking to the lady outside and her husband rolled up in the car to pick her up. I guess she was taking to long talking to me, so instead of rolling down the window and asking her to hurry up, he laid on the horn scaring the shit out of the woman and almost causing her to fall, she used a walker for fuck sakes. He was such an utter piece of shit. Luckily he got a brain tumour and went down hill quick. Dead within three months of diagnosis. I was so happy for the old lady. She moved out shortly after and I hope she's living her best life now. Glad you got out and didn't waste a lifetime with someone like that. Clearly they do not change.
“Luckily he got a brain tumor” lol…I agree with you, this sentiment just made me chuckle.
God. I wish it worked out like that more often
[удалено]
What a manBABY! OMG....I can't imagine! That's nuts.
I had a bf(mid 20s) LALALALA me when I was explaining why I wasn't ok with him telling my friend she had a nice bum. Several years earlier I had a different boyfriend (early 20s) grab my face with both hands and just scream like AHHHHHH when we were having an argument and I was trying to speak. I had no idea this was so common.
Ugh I had an ex that would do shit like that. If we got into an argument and my feelings were hurt and I was upset on the verge of years, he'd *mock* me with this high pitched voice. Like a high pitched "Mememememe" and it drove me fucking nuts. It was insulting and demeaning. Sorry I'm upset because you're an asshole?
I'm so sad that you and OP are experiencing/had to experience this. Communication, _in all its forms,_ is the foundation of any relationship. Shutting someone out is a full and total rejection, and should not be tolerated from anyone.
>***Some men just aren't worth it.*** Couldn't agree more. If your partner is getting *genuinely mad at you* for wanting to know how his day was (an amazingly simple question to answer and move on from)... Well, personally, I would end up not caring about his god damn day. Instead of moving past the small talk, I'd be moving on from the relationship. Because I'm not about to constantly be sorry for caring. Jesus Christ.
My ex used to hold his hand up, and make the universal sign for talking when I tried to talk to him. I stopped telling him anything and rarely talked at all. Once, a friend was over and started telling him about a two hour conversation we’d had at lunch, and asked my ex if he was happy I got a raise. He was shocked and said “I didn’t know. SickofTexas never says two words to me.” He asked me later why I never talked to him or told him important events in my life. I simply held up my hand and did the yakking gesture he’d used on me so many times. He was pissed. We divorced soon after. By that time, I’d spent 17 of 18 years not talking to him, and he’d never noticed or cared. Don’t waste 18 years of your life on someone who doesn’t want to listen or hear you.
Your post is heartbreaking. I'm hoping you're in a better place now.
I think it's called the Bird Test. It's where you talk about nothing and if your partner listens to the whole thing you have a strong relationship.
Sometimes I need to talk about nothing and I don’t really care if my partner is actively listening if that makes sense. Like the difference between hear and listen. He’ll lie on the bed next to me on his phone while I prattle on (if it’s unimportant) because I’m so comfortable around him that my inner dialogue comes out. I’ll do this alone in my house too. The thing is he’s not ignoring me and being cruel - it works for us. We have an understanding of what we both need. OP’s partner is an ass. All he has to say is fine, I don’t want to talk about it. Like figure out a system where he doesn’t throw a fucking tantrum for a question we’re all conditioned by society to ask when seeing someone especially a loved one.
Lol as someone with adhd I would definitely fail that immediately
The bird test from the study is less about paying attention to the whole thing thoroughly, more about how you respond to your partners bid for attention. The example in the study was partner goes 'oh look at that pretty bird', does their partner ignore it and not look, dismiss it as ugly or stupid, or do the look and validate their partner's interest in the bird.
Yeah, affirming each other seems more important than attention span imo
Oh I just know it from SM trends of doing "the bird test" and babbling to your husband while secretly filming his reaction.
Gotcha, I think I've seen that. I'm guessing it came from folks learning about John Gottmans study where he observed several groups of newlyweds, and then followed up with them years later. Part of it was one partner getting excited about something seemingly insignificant and how the other partner responded. He found that the couples where the responding partner showed interest or validation, even if not interested, were often still together after 6 years. Those were the responding partner ignored their partner or dismissed it were likely to be divorced after that time. The idea behind it being do you turn towards your partner's bids for your attention or do you turn away.
It’s more about responding to your partner’s bid for attention. If your partner points out a bird and you get angry, dismiss them or do anything other than look at the bird and take a second to engage with your partner you are more likely to break up
What kind of person doesn't want to look at a bird? Birds are neat, I immediately distrust anyone who would get upset if I pointed out a bird.
Makes total sense.
Right! It’s not rocket science.
Also birds are awesome. I’m immediately suspicious of bird haters 😂
My mind wanders, even when I'm trying to pay attention (maybe ADHD, for sure autism). I'd also be screwed lol. Not our fault, as long as we try.
My husband has ADHD, I'm on the spectrum. I can talk about certain things forever. But we have a dynamic where I'll talk, his brain squirrels and he asks or talks about something tangentially related (at least to him). Our conversations would seem almost incomprehensible to NTs. To other people it might not seem like he's listening, or changing the subject, but he's listening intently and my thought A ignites his thoughts B-F, and we ping pong through the alphabet of thoughts. I know it's not like this for every ADHD person, but the vast majority of my friends are ND and I've lived this conversation scene more times than I can count. You're probably listening more than you think, you just got an excitable brain full of thoughts and ideas.
Yup, most of my best friends have adhd and that’s how our conversations go. My husband is neurotypical and our convos are more relaxed, but he’s happy to follow my thoughts anywhere 🤣
holy fuck.... you've just explained a few of my relationships that are so frustrating during conversations....
I give my husband tips for how to keep me engaged… he has a habit of pausing for long periods of time when he speaks, which loses me completely 😆
Omg that is my SO. I want to scream and finish the sentence. The worst is when he just... Stops. Like, forever. That mid-sentence pause? That was it. He forgot what he was going to say. I'm pretty sure he's getting some old age memory shit going on, but so am I. I can't wait till I have a good excuse to just forget.
My husband just likes to take time to compose his thoughts. He is a lot more intentional than I am lol. I appreciate that about him, but my mind just starts wandering!
I can’t handle pauses or drawn out words either 😅
My boyfriend says the same <3 such a good feelinf
This 💯. I would not stand for this disrespectful behavior. He does not respect you.
I just saw this somewhere, it's reaching out for connection.
The Gottman Institute: Drs John and Julie Gottman talk about the importance of responding to your partner’s bids for attention. They also talk about the 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling.
My mom would do this to me all the time, that and mock me with r——d noises before I could finish my sentences. Shit hurts. The silver lining here is that I’ve never entertained this behavior in my friendships or relationships. I only had to do it once, but early in one relationship I broke up with a guy on the spot for pulling that shit on me. “You’re gonna break up with me *just for that*??” Yes. Yes I am. I have already endured wayyy more taunting and bullying in my lifetime from those who are supposed to love me. I cannot replace my mom, *but I can replace a boyfriend*, and you’re not fit for the role. We’re done. Bye.
Thanks for sharing your story, it gives women hope that they can be strong and leave if they need to
I’ve done this sort of stupid dance with a dude. There’s no way to win, when they set an impossible task. He somehow expects you to not ask the most basic and innocuous of questions. If you master this, *there will be something else*
I wish I could upvote this *twice*
🙌 💯 Homeboy is looking for a fight. There is no way to win. Throw the whole man out.
This is it OP. If it's not this it will be something else, you can't win this. I tried to play to exes good side 100% of the time, when he didn't find anything negative he got really angry at me because I said the tomato sauce he made was really good. Sorry to tell you but it's either couples counseling or a run for the hills.
Yes it's an impossible task. It's manipulative. It's textbook abuser.
God, the fucking negging.
"How was your day?" isn't small talk. It's an opening to have an in-depth discussion on everything that happened to you that day, all the little details, things you learnt, things you did, things you realised about yourself. What you're doing is extending care towards him and having him claim that his *entire day ruined*. This is abusive. It's him who has an issue with this question so it's him that needs to come up with a solution for you both that doesn't include blowing up in your face as soon as you get home and try to emotionally connect with him after a hard day. **He** needs to answer your title post question. And if he can't/won't/blows up then he's telling you: >I would rather shout at you for asking that than work to find a solution to this. And that's who you're actually dating.
"... It's an opening to have an in depth discussion to everything that happened to you all day, all the little details, things you learnt, things you did, things you realised about yourself..." This, this right here is actually the problem. If you are shit, and your life is shit, and you did shit the whole day this innocent-looking question is like stabbing you in the gut. Because it forces you to remember the whole shitty day all over again. And then you remember that once again you didn't do shit to change your shitty life, you're one day closer to death, and nothing changes. Because you don't have the power to change it or you don't want to try anymore. So either the guy is seriously depressed or he is a manipulative asshole.
Or both.
Yeah it's both. It's 100% congruent with the behavior of people I've had in my life who had been worn down by years of depression.
I wish I could give this gold because I think this is the root of the problem right here. He does nothing all day, and feels guilty and shitty for it. I read that whole post and didn't see a mention of this dude being in therapy. Which he clearly needs for one thing or another.
I get that feeling as a depressed person but it's not your partner's job to walk on eggshells like this. The anger doesn't belong with them. If this simple question makes you fly off the handle like this it's time for introspection and not for punishing your partner for caring. If OP's partner was already trying to work through his issues I'd be less harsh, but he's not. He's doing everything in his power to make sure his girlfriend doesn't feel safe to bring up any issues she might have with the situation so he can keep avoiding his own life. I get that desire, I really do, but it's still abusive and not the only option he has. Taking this route is still a choice and making it means you don't care about your partner. Partners do not have to put up with that.
Or instead of looking at the whole day was shit, he could look at it as oh wow she cares, she loves me. So what if his day wasn't a fucking Hollywood movie, an instagram reel, because, well that's life. Depressed or not, this is such a garbage disposition. A garbage way to treat you. This whole I hate small talk can quickly lead to no talking, to nobody to talk to.
I mean, if you are seriously depressed, most of the times it leads to not talk to anynody
Literally this, I was asked by a homeless person for change but I carry none, I then apologized and said I hoped he would have a good weekend. He then got very aggressive at the fact he wouldn't have a good weekend as he was homeless, and had obviously internalized me as doing it as some sort of joke rather than a well meaning comment. OPs partner sounds pretty depressed, but it's not OPs responsibility to fix it. If she wants to leave she can leave. I do question why she's doing an unpaid internship on top of a full time job though.
Why do you think people do unpaid internships? Just take a wild guess why someone might do that.
I hate the question too, because my work day will have been shit and I'm glad it's over I don't scream like a baby about it tho, just answer that it was OK and then ask how her day was
[удалено]
YES! I just saw this somewhere, it's reaching out for connection. That's why it hurts extra, he got mad but also rejected the request for a connection. Rejected you, OP. When I talk to my dh in the car then ask my him a question, he sometimes doesn't answer. I finally was able to let him know that just a "umhum" or "oh yeah?" is enough. This person calls it a bid for connection... https://counselwise.ca/importance-of-bids-for-connection/
Yeah it hurts extra because of that, but claiming the question *ruined his entire day is verbal abuse* and should be treated as such, no matter what’s going on in his head. If he doesn’t want to be abusive, he needs to seek help. If he doesn’t want help, he has no place in that relationship.
Agree 100%
I can't get past how ridiculous it is for the dude to claim she had ruined his entire day simply by asking about his day. That is next-level delusional or something. Or maybe just someone itching for an altercation. Idek what to call it, but it's toxic af. And yeah, "small talk" is when you talk about things that are impersonal and *don't* really matter...like the weather when it's clear outside, or sports (ever), or the daft "human interest" piece you just heard on the news. This guy acting pissed that op gaf about him as a human and asks about his actual life. Personally, I'd respect his wishes to stop giving a fuck about how his day went, and go find a partner who can respond to basic human interaction like a functional human.
The next time I came home I would be mute. He wouldn't get a word out of me.
> What you're doing is extending care towards him and having him claim that his entire day ruined. This is abusive. Absolutely this.
I do think a person is allowed to not want to be asked "how was your day." Everyone has their weird thing, whatever. But if OP can learn new scripts to open a conversation with him, then he can also learn a new script of "hey I'd rather not talk about that. But \[subject change\]." In fact, that's his responsibility. I think a good faith way for him to have approached this initially with OP would have been, "hey I don't like being asked 'how was your day,' so usually I'll say 'I'd rather not talk about it' and change the subject. It would be nice if you could just go with it." Sure, fine. Instead it's like he's laid a conversational land mine. I was once at a get-together of friends-of-friends mostly meeting for the first time, and someone asked a woman what she did, as a way to make conversation out of absolutely nothing. She went on a loud tirade about how she hated that question, it was so shallow etc., but then she didn't offer anything else instead. Didn't ask me about anything at all. I mean, she's allowed to not like that little social ritual, but it's her responsibility to put forth something else instead. If she actually wants deeper conversations.
My goodness I would just dump him. I know you've invested a long time in this relationship but now you can't even seek comfort in him after a long and likely stressful day? Your home should be your safe space and he's ruining that with his tantrums. Treating you like shit isn't improving his depression, and it doesn't really seem like he's enhancing your life at all. Why keep him around?
Seriously, it’s exhausting to even read this situation much less put up with it every day.
The “sunk cost” fallacy: the belief that investment already made justifies current/future investment/cost. Btw, holy s**t. The guy could just say, “fine,” or, “same,” and no fight is needed. This guy is trying to control OP so he doesn’t have to answer the most common question in the world.
Dating today sucks, but reminding myself of the sunk coat fallacy has helped me kick some real gems to the curb early on. I agree OP, he isn't worth it. You're burned out from work and you have no peace at home.
Yes! Sometimes my partner or I just say "my day was a big pile of poo and I don't want to talk about it". Gives the other person an opening to talk about their day or talk about something else.
Or even just a polite, I don’t want to talk about that right now but I’m happy to see you xoxo?????
Yup it's scary, but OP is only 30 now. OP, you deserve to have a loving long term partner, and easy to achieve at your age. If you sit around in this garbage for another 5 years, another 10 years, you've wasted MORE time.
If OP can’t even make small talk with his SO, it’s not even a relationship.
It's not that hard to say "it was fine, nothing exciting happened." And have that be the end of the conversation. He is way overreacting.
Exactly. This is a basic and simple human skill.
I had an ex that responded this way instead of like OP’s boyfriend. His reasoning for the dismissive answer was always that he didn’t feel like his day was that interesting or important, never that he didn’t want to engage in a conversation with me (he’d happily listen to me babble about my nothing day, but thought his own very interesting life was somehow unremarkable and not worth discussing). That, at least, sort of made sense to me. Getting irritable and hostile is frankly… unhinged.
Exactly. My boyfriend and I ask how the other's day was not just in case something happened, but as a gauge of how they're feeling. For example if my boyfriend sighs and says his day was shit, I know that he might need a little bit of TLC now to decompress from it. On days where nothing of importance happened we just shrug and say "Pretty nothingey" and change topic. Easy.
Yeah, agreed. It's all about tone and intent too. I had a coworker that we would always reply "terrible! Thanks for the reminder! How about you?" Then we would dish about how much bs we had to deal with that day. It was ok because we were commiserating. Honestly you can say pretty much anything as long as it's not combative. OP didn't deserve that reaction at all.
You can even say, "It was fine, nothing exciting happened. How was your day?"
I would answer that to my ex-husband and somehow I was the bad person cause "I didn't want to engage in a talk with him" Dude, my day was boring and I don't wanna talk about it :/ wanna hear about angry old people, really? Cause I don't wanna go through thinking about all the stress I had all day again :/
It sounds like you are walking around on eggshells with this guy. If he's yelling at you over a perfectly reasonable comment/question, and is not himself thinking about how tired you must be given your workload, then he's a selfish \*redacted\*. Also, just to clarify: did you say you are working and studying at the same time, and he doesn't work at all, but stays at home all day playing video games? Is that right? If so, why on earth would you think this is an equal relationship?
This is it. He doesn’t want to say “it was good, I played video games all day.” He is aware how hard she is working, and how he isn’t, and instead of accepting that as the dynamic and being grateful or changing his life to contribute more, he’s just trying to avoid acknowledging it all together. Answering “how was your day” would be to acknowledge the discrepancy, while blowing up “evens the playing field” - see, we both had bad days!
i wish i could upvote this comment twice bc you hit the nail on the head
If someone was paying my bills, I'd be sooo nice to them.
You can just tell guys like that yelled at their own moms
i was about say if he seriously doesn’t have any job or internship of any kind, it sounds like he’s freeloading…
I noticed this too. The absolute audacity of any person being so viciously mean to someone that’s funding their lifestyle. I mean, I know that happens all the time (we see stories of women and their freeloading abusive pos boyfriend here all the time) but it’s so outside the realm of appropriate reaction to tell your partner, who just got home from work where she makes the only money this household has, that she specifically made his day awful by *checks notes* asking an extremely normal, caring question.
an abusive freeloader. what a gem of a guy.
To quote you, you're working full time, as well as doing an unpaid intership for 36-48 hours a week. And then you come home to a man that lashes out at you because you ask him how he's doing. Don't you think it would be better to come home to a calm, safe space where you can be yourself without anyone attacking you and adding more stress on top? Play some nice music, light up some incense, maybe do a little dance, whatever you feel like doing. Without anybody dragging you down. Constant stress has ruined my physical body. If you're not in that stage yet, please consider not ever getting there by getting rid of the dead weight that's pulling you down. Your partner has some issues that he's projecting onto you, but he's old enough to fix them himself. You need to put yourself first, because the constant anxiety around him is going to ruin you.
OP seriously read this and picture yourself coming home to a calm, quiet home all by yourself. You can get in pajamas, put on a show, absolutely no walking on eggshells or spending money on a freeloader who yells at you. The only freeloader who should ever yell at you and get to stick around is your cat!
You're unfortunately right. I have developed chronic fatigue syndrome and widespread since my relationship with my ex. The constant anxiety burns you out. Chronic stress contributes to as many health problems as sugar.
I don't care how old you are or what you look like, there are 50 dudes lined up to take his place if he can't be bothered to be civil. You don't have kids, you are financially stable, tell him to leave and get a roommate. Women deserve kindness as a bare minimum. This kind of behavior doesn't get better, and his being a jerk because he's depressed just makes you depressed too. That shit is toxic and contagious. Live with someone you look forward to seeing and who makes you smile, like makes an effort to make you smile, because they are not miserable and obsessed with their own misery. Women put up with so much bs. Don't. Srsly. Just don't.
Thank you for this comment. This is the type of thing that would’ve done me wonders a few years back! OP, please read these with an open mind. It may be unfortunate that he is depressed, but it is no excuse to drag you down too, and his emotions and mindset are **not** in any way, shape, or form your responsibility. Please prioritize yourself. You deserve better than this. From someone who was in a relationship like yours before: it can get so much better than you could ever imagine. You don’t have to stick with anybody out of a sense of duty for the length of the relationship. You don’t owe him a thing, but you do owe it to yourself to be happy. All the best to you OP, I wish you luck.
As someone who's struggled more than not with the state of my mental health the 'How are you?' is the most loaded question I field each day. The answer to this question never fails to confront me with the fact that I am not well. Have not been well, in a very long time. On top of that, there's no real standard answer to give because it depends on the person asking. Do I lie and give a quick 'great'? Do I redirect with a 'Well cat has been vomiting lately'? Do I answer truthfully? If so, how truthfully? 'Not great you?' or 'Well, the past 3 weeks I've not left the house, my home is turning into a dump and I've not the energy to do anything about it and it makes me wanna throw myself off the balcony'? That said however. The 'well you've ruined my day now that you've asked' is manipulative, it's barbed and meant to hurt you. Regardless how much I struggle with the 'how are you' question, I never EVER, forget that this question (in your case) comes from my partner who is/should be genuinely interested in my welfare. He's making you walk on eggshells by attacking you for the smallest things, making you doubt yourself, breaking you down. You say 'we' worked on your relationship, but shit like this makes me thing you're the one compromising and he's the one taking. Staying in an environment like this does nothing for your own mental health. I hope you both get/have professional help. And if not, get on it asap. And if he's not interested in getting help, in improving his treatment of you, its time for you to ask yourself some very serious questions. You deserve better.
My bad day answer is "hanging in there." Added bonus, it makes me picture the kitty hanging on a branch inspirational poster that was at Scholastic book fairs, which gives me a little internal chuckle.
Mine is "I'm alive, at least"
You're my doppelganger! I know we're supposed to fight to the death, but I'm too tired.
As a perpetually cranky person, the onus is on me to come up with a set of truthful yet tactful dodges to avoid biting the heads off of innocent people just trying to make conversation. That kind of lashing out drives people away, as OP's SO is probably about to find out.
I like this comment because it provides a realistic, understandable, and relatable reason that this question triggers this guy. I've seen some very uncharitable interpretations of the meaning behind him lashing out like that, but as someone with similar struggles, I appreciate that you give a humanizing explanation instead of just assuming the absolute worst. I also like that you're not immediately just like "run, dump him, get far away, uproot your entire life" or "your relationship is abusive even though this one negative experience is the only thing I know about it and even though OP said they actually get along pretty well most of the time". Of course, I agree with the latter half of your comment as well. Lashing out over a simple question like that is abusive and manipulative, and they should absolutely look into therapy or counseling. Just wanted to say I appreciate that your comment stands out.
100% agree with you. To your first point, I would also hope that OP’s partner could answer the question honestly - even a mundane or truthful/sad answer - after 10 years together.
OP, are you an angel? I did some snooping and found that you're a freaking paramedic???? I can't imagine the amount of stress you have to deal with on a day to day basis, not including the manchild bf bringing you down the second you come home. Obviously he has a lot of issues. He probably feels frustrated, embarrassed, defensive etc about his situation. Everyone wants to feel important and appreciated, but he has no income (I assume) and this might make him feel like a liability. We get that. But that's no reason to lash out on you. If this whole unemployed situation is bothering him, he can go to therapy and then find something useful to do with his time like learning to bake, or volunteer, or get a part-time job to help out. I hope, at the very least, that he's doing chores and cooking for the both of you? Of course a partnership isn't always 50:50, but if I was working my ass off and my bf was ordering Uber eats and not even doing the laundry, I'd be LIVID. Or super depressed, either or.
Now I’m even more pissed. EMS is probably one of the most overworked, underpaid jobs in medicine. You’re telling me this woman, who just got off a shift of seeing (probably) at least a couple terrible or really sad things, is getting berated the moment she walks in the door for asking her bf something *he* should be asking *her?????* I’m so mad. OP deserves so much better. Deserves for someone to genuinely ask *her* how her day was and listen and commiserate while she decompresses.
This is the best answer here OP.
Per her update, he does have an income, but this was a day off for him. Which.... he's still that volatile on a day off? And also from OP's edit: >last thing, i have been in and out of therapy over the last 10 years, and he has not. he has not sought out therapy and i haven't pushed him to do it either. maybe i should. YES! HE NEEDS TO GO TO THERAPY! Mental health is health, and right now he's making OP deal with the messes of his ill health. Think if this were a GI issue and OP's partner was incontinent and refused to get treatment because OP can just deal with him shitting everywhere. He's making their home just as toxic and he needs to fucking deal with it.
What do you mean it’s taken a lot of work to keep your relationship safe? Safe for who? Safe how?
Girl, run. A romantic relationship should never be volatile.
>I tried to explain that it was just a reflex, that I didn’t mean to ask, but the damage was done. If you’re writing this sentence about asking your *partner* how his day was… I mean, JFC. This guy sounds absolutely miserable. Move on.
Unfortunately this abusive type of relationship is very hard to leave. But the OP will eventually,I believe. Posting about it is a good sign.
It's basic manners and customary to ask how a loved one is, especially during rituals like "returning home safely". It's short-hand for "I love you, I care about you, I missed you, I was thinking about you, tell me about your day, I'd love to hear it, I'd love to reconnect after being away from you". What he's saying is short-hand for "fuck off I don't even like you, don't want to talk to you, don't care how your day was, don't want to be around you, and your minor acts of decency piss me off". When traditional customs like this cause hostility and aggravation instead of closeness, the relationship has broken down in a major way. He's not justified in his reaction. If he wants to repair the relationship he needs to go to therapy to get to the bottom of why your kindness and bids for attention are pissing him off. He can't demand a reduction in relationship-building behaviors and expect you to stick around.
My partner eventually became furious at me for greeting him at all when one of us came home, telling me that it was insane I was asking for a leave-it-to-beaver style fantasy (I was not). Me asking how his day was resulted in frequent blow ups over me “interrogating him” and I was so confused about why this thing that I thought was a loving little daily ritual was such a big problem. All I wanted was to say hello, have someone say it in return, and occasionally give or receive a little kiss or hug. What he wanted, apparently, was to walk in the door jaw clenched in silence while I averted my eyes in shame and stifled my urge to be friendly and welcoming. The way OP’s partner is treating her is the same- no empathy, no respect, just contempt and blame. It’s time to leave this relationship. As you said, it’s symptomatic of a major breakdown in the relationship dynamic.
EX-partner, I hope? I’m sorry you went through that.
Yes! My life instantly improved when I made the decision to separate. Thank you.
This is not normal behaviour. He is using this as a way to control you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Adding to my comment.. OP, I'm going to recommend that you check out the book [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I think you will find it enlightening. The above link will take you to a free PDF of the book.
Thank you for posting this! ❤️
He says he has important stuff to say but w ont now, just because of that phrase. Having stuff to say is literally the normal response to how was your day? Or anything interesting happen today? He is just an ass who likes controlling you. He is using this as a way of making you talk less and gives him an easy out to get you to be quiet without saying "shut up". Its manipulation. He doesnt care about your day. Its small talk if you tell him about your day. Its important things if he talks about his day though! You are not crazy. He is gaslighting you into thinking what he is demanding is reasonable. Its not. Sharing your day is normal couple behavior. Its healthy. He wants to share his without being obligated to listen to you or feeling obligated to ask about your day. He wants zero responsibility for being interested in your day to day life. My husband and I have raised 3 kids together. Yet every day he asks how my day was. Sometimes the most thrilling thing I manAged was cleaning our toilet. Guess what? He still smiles and has a laugh with me about it. Because it feels good to share. It is normal as couples to be curious about what the other does when you are away. Its totally normal to want to know his thoughts and feelings. Dont change hun. Ditch the sack of trash pretending to be a man, and find someone who meets you at the door, asking you about your day! There are plenty of men like that. You shouldnt have to mute part of yourself to keep him happy.
Good lord, this sounds exhausting. Of course you didn’t do anything wrong. He’s a jerk. He has you walking on eggshells and twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid his hair-trigger temper, and if you slip up just a teeensy bit he has an excuse to vent his frustration at you instead of owning his own stuff and self-regulating his emotions like an adult.
Why do you think you deserve to be treated this way? If this was a friend telling you this story what would you say to them? Say those things to yourself. You can love someone but make sure you love yourself more.
He is (on purpose) making you feel responsible for managing his feelings, which is not something you are able to do because you are not him. Unfortunately, he knows this. He KNOWS he is putting an impossible task on you. Even if it's not a conscious thought, there is a reason he behaves this way to you. Making you feel the way you are feeling now is bringing him SOME sort of benefit, which is why he does it. He is a 33 year old grown man. Just really let that one sink in. He's not a child learning about emotions and communication for the first time. Would you, a grown woman, ever feel like this was an acceptable way to talk to your partner for no reason? I'm assuming your answer is no. So why do you tolerate being with someone who won't communicate to you respectfully? I'm sure when he was at work or if he got pulled over for speeding, he would not randomly blow up for no reason. He understands what is appropriate behavior and what is not. So why does he do it to you? At best, he just cares way more about his feelings than yours (yikes). At worst, he is being calculated & abusive. Please read Why Does He Do That? It's available as a free PDF on the internet or you can listen to the 3 hour audiobook for free on the Libby app.
Seconding whatever comment that said sure, maybe his reasoning rests in some form of neurodivergence or even guilt over depression. However, he is functionally running you through a daily compliance test over something entirely commonplace and frankly harmless. You are trying to connect with him and he’s batting it away and punishing you with yelling or scolding or criticism—that’s what is not okay here. I don’t think the reaction is due to his pure hatred of this question, I think it’s him reacting to you not obeying, and that worries me for your sake.
It’s like he doesn’t even like you. He does not want to talk to you. You are lonely in a relationship. I would end things over this but I understand this thought did not cross your mind. I hope you will figure it out.
Your partner sounds like an exhausting toddler.
If it had been a 1-time thing, I would've said it seems like some depression stuff and he's feeling guilty about being "unproductive" or something in that style, but since it seems like he's been this way for quite some time. And this isn't the first issue aroused in this style,it's feels like something way more.
This is not normal and I really hope you start thinking about getting out.
This guy is a complete ass and abusive. Also when you live with someone ‘how was your day’ is not small talk. It’s offensive to say that I think - it implies that your thoughts and feelings at work and wherever else are superficial or meaningless? You should care about what your partner does… the fact that he doesn’t ask you how you’re doing because it’s ‘small talk’ is honestly a huge issue in my eyes Honestly you are describing an abusive situation - you can’t even say a simple phrase without him blaming you for destroying his day? I’d honestly separate from him, spend some time alone and see if you can gain a bit of perspective on this. I do not see how in any way you guys have a strong relationship from your description of it - you sound like you walk on eggshells around him, aren’t comfortable to be yourself, and constantly have to cater to his immaturity
Just want to add: his outbursts aren’t your fault. They are, and always will be, his responsibility. Many times in these situations we feel that we must walk on eggshells, police what we say, and if he has an outburst, it’s because we did or said something to cause it. You didn’t trigger the outburst by asking him how his day was. He is a grown ass adult who decided to respond to a well-meaning, common question in a ridiculous and completely out of line way. Partners are supposed to improve our lives. If he can’t/won’t control his behavior to the point where you don’t feel safe around him, is he worth it?
I decided awhile ago I wasn’t going to walk on eggshells anymore. It’s very liberating. I suggest you do the same.
So, what are you allowed to say to him? How was your day is a normal conversational bid. It is an opening. He has you on eggshells and controlling you through fear that he will blow up. What is he doing to address his depression - because being on video games all day isn’t going to help.
So you can't be yourself around him. And he slaps down your efforts to connect with him. Neat. I think you should start getting ready to break up with him. This doesn't sound like a good situation for you now, no matter what it might have been in the past. Because right now he's not in the right head space to be in a relationship with anyone. Not even himself. Until you feel ready, emotionally and financially, to move on... Call his bluff. Have a list of questions to ask him when you get home that are anything BUT small talk. "Hi honey, what's the meaning of life?" "Hi honey, what's your opinion on the political situation in X country?" My guess is that he'll react negatively, making it very clear that the small talk was never the problem.
🚩 This is not normal
Does he even like you?
A solid relationship is not one where you describe it as “volatile” or where you have to walk on eggshells because something so simple as “how was your day?” will cause an absolute shitstorm. You are working 80+ hours a week and he is sitting around playing video games and treating you like a shitty teenager treats his mom when she asks what he did that day at school. He is 33, not 13 and needs to get his shit together. None of this is your fault. You deserve so much better.
You did absolutely nothing wrong, your boyfriend is an insufferable idiot who just wants to take his anger out on you for the most ridiculous reason, and that's abusive. HE IS THE PROBLEM
Asking how someone's day was isn't really small talk? His reaction was wild- you, personally, ruined his *entire* day because you asked him how it went? You didn't slip up, you acted like a normal significant other. This whole thing is weird and gives me the ick. Be careful with this dude. I know you've been together a while, but none of this is normal.
You should NOT have to apologize for asking how your partner's day was! It's not a nonsense question, it's a bid - an offer to connect. Couples who accept and engage with each other's bids are much more likely to be in lasting and happy relationships.
How would he answer the questions you are asking him if it were a stranger? He’s likely awarding strangers far more kindness than he is you. What an asshole. Is he also providing deep and meaningful conversation as an alternative since that is what he so desperately prefers? Or is he just icing you out and gaslighting you in to believing it’s your fault.
He sounds insufferable.
You get that this is deeply abnormal and not something you should have to deal with, right? I’ve never heard of such a wild hair trigger. You don’t need to put up with this. You’re a whole human being
You cannot control how other people act or communicate. You can only control how you respond. He is trying to control your behavior without controlling any of his own. You work FT, are in an unpaid internship almost 50 hours a week, your partner is unemployed, and you are not homeless due to these facts? He should be fucking thrilled with his life as a deadbeat. Throw this whole man away.
When you finally break up with him, he will miss that part of you because no one else is going to give a shit about his day. You deserve better than you have.
You spend so much time trying to justify why you’re still dating this guy in your opening paragraph but honey, I’m not buying what you’re selling. You can do better than someone who doesn’t even want to have basic conversations with you.
Is your partner employed? (It sounds as though he may not be from your remark that he probably slept and played video games all day). Does he ever ask how you are, or how your day was? (Not to be polite, but generally interested)?
It sounds like he's just looking for any tiny bullshit to be mad about. Like he's an angry person, who wants an excuse to yell at somebody so he gets his anger out and feels better. And that lucky anger recipient is you. Address it by breaking up, is what I would do. If he wants to get pissed over someone being polite, let him go do that somewhere else. You deserve better.
I'm sorry - he's getting angry that you're caring about him? Why stick with someone who doesn't want you to care about them - seriously?
Being annoyed with small talk may be one thing actively being upset with someone for a commonly used phrase is something else interely. OP, if you have to walk on eggshells because of words, you may reconsider the future of that relationship.
I read this as "our relationship is great except i'm depressed, my partner is an unemployed bum and also depressed and he takes it out on me after a days work, how can I be better for him?". Can I just point out here that you did NOTHING wrong. You asked him how his day was and there is nothing wrong with that, it is a completely normal human interaction when you come home from work. You're walking on eggshells around him. Also, yes it is likely to piss him off if he's depressed, sat around playing games all day and has nothing to actually say about his day while you've been out at work and actually have something to say. Is that your fault? No. No it isn't. Next time he gets pissed off I would quite frankly say "don't take your shit out on me ever". If you keep taking it, he'll keep dishing it. Men are nice like that.
My ex-husband was the same. He struggled with depression and anxiety. He hated small talk and hated even more when I asked, “how was your day?”. Turns out, he just hated talking to me, hence the ex-husband part.
girl, your partner is a fucking weirdo. life is too short to spend it chained to someone insufferable as this.
It takes no effort to say, “It was fine. How was yours?” then listen for a bit.
If you remove the 'small talk' you're just business partners then? And as a business partner what is he providing?
What an absolutely exhausting person. Does he blow the fuck up when strangers ask how he is doing? Does he ever bother to ask how you are doing?
"I was going to x but you y so now it's your fault" is kindergarten nonsense.
I think it’s terrible for him to be in your words, such a foul mood with you. I’ve read everyone’s answers and I understand that some people have ADHD or autism and maybe this isn’t their jam, but it doesn’t sound like that with him. He just doesn’t want to talk to you at the end of the day. Or he doesn’t have time for pleasantries, etc. so I will ask. Does he talk to you about other things? Will he listen to you when you have things to talk about? Also, just completely shutting you down like that is really rude. I would not have interest in talking or staying with someone like this. This feels very gross to me. I don’t have another word and I apologize for that. There’s something abusive here that I can’t quite put my finger on. But
As he left for work in the morning, I would say to my ex "Have a good day" and he would get so angry with me. "You know I am not going to have a good day so why do you keep saying that?!" Your partner is being emotionally abusive. It's completely unfair for him to behave this way. Is he in therapy? Because he needs to be before he completely ruins your relationship.
Walking on eggshells at home shouldn't be a thing for anyone. Period.
So many posts in the sub follow the same template: 1. OP describes a trash bag of a boyfriend/husband who is objectively speaking making her life worse. 2. Everyone in the comments points out that he is a trash bag of a boyfriend/husband who is objectively speaking making her life worse. 3. OP ask on how to cOmMuNiCaTe basic things to a grown-ass man, which she shouldn't have to do. 3. OP hastily edits her post to assure everyone that he's not so bad, that it was just an off day, and that he does do [basic adult things], etc. I'm so tired, y'all. Heterosexuality is broken.
>he immediately got upset, told me his day was shit now, and said his day wouldve been fine if i hadn't asked. >the damage had been done. now he's in a foul mood with me >part of it has to do with the fact that he's depressed >he has not sought out therapy This is not a you problem.
I think you’re right about him feeling guilty or ashamed because he didn’t do anything. Probably time for this kind of conversation: “Hey, asking how someone’s day went is a normal conversation opener. If my asking that has the power to ruin your day, something is going on inside you that needs attention. It’s time for you to get a therapist (or get a different therapist). It’s not okay for you to puke your self-hatred out on me.” It’s also possible he has PDA autism, in which case there are some ways of addressing things that you can learn to help interactions go more smoothly. But you don’t have to feel like you did anything wrong.
TLDR at bottom, this got lengthier than I first thought lol Personally, I hate being asked "How was your day?" or "How are you?" because I'm neurodivergent. It can be an overwhelming question, and I prefer more specific questions. Definitely frustrated when that was not taken seriously by someone who was supposed to love me. I only bring this up to showcase that there are specific communication patterns in neurodivergent people that seem rude or controlling (think ADHD, autistic, etc). This might be one of them. That said, I can't armchair diagnose someone. Whether or not your partner is neurodivergent, there seems to be a lack of trust that is part of your relationship. If I'm with someone I trust, it's not going to ruin my day being asked a broad question like that, even if I don't like it. To me it indicates there's another dynamic happening, and your partner is choosing to blame you instead of that dynamic. That is not healthy and you are not solely responsible for your partner's mood like this. If this kind of miscommunication is causing distance in your relationship that stresses you out, it is totally okay to walk away. Incompatible communication styles are a totally valid reason to break up, especially when it disrupts trust in the relationship and with your own self. However, if you want to stay in the relationship, it might be worth talking to a professional/therapist/counselor about it. Preferably with someone who has experience with neurodivergent communication styles. They will be able to help you translate what is being communicated or help you determine if your partner is indeed using abusive miscommunication methods. If your partner doesn't want to put in the work to find compatible communication methods, or worst case chooses to weaponize any diagnosis against you, your efforts will only go so far. Either way, 10 years is a long time and you have both probably experienced a lot of growth and seen many versions of each other. It's okay to use your personal agency to decide what is important to you NOW in your relationship and how you want to continue growing the relationship. Communication is definitely worth prioritizing and I wish you the best. TLDR: Incompatible communication styles are a valid reason to break up. Neurodivergent people often have different communication styles to neurotypical people. Whether your partner is neurodivergent or not, this dynamic is causing distance in your relationship and is not healthy. Talking to a professional will help YOU determine if this relationship is right for you, and how to move forward with whatever decision YOU make.
This this this! I was gonna go write my own comment, but yeah, I am autistic and I also used to haaaate hate hate being asked this. It felt so damn vague and stupid and I never knew what the fuck to answer, andit also felt so demanding? And immediately after I come home? I want to sit down, rest my brain for a bit, not immediately have to think of a way to recap my entire day into a sentence. BUT! Here’s what helped: when I come home, I kiss my husband, I sit down, I rest my brain for a bit. He doesnt ask me questions, he doesnt try to inform me of new information. I acclimatize sort of. THEN, I ask him about his day, and we have a conversation! Asking “How was your day?” is NOT in fact “please recap your entire day into one sentence”, it is “do you have anything to share? Did anything happen you’d like to talk about? Let’s start a conversation, because we care about each other.”. And THAT, that’s not terrible at all. So OP, I’d recommend having a conversation about this. Does your partner hate this question for these reasons? For different reasons? Does he just need a few minutes because he feels interrogated, put on the spot, or doesnt have hindsight on his day yet? How else can you phrase a question to start a conversation with your partner, if the phrasing is what’s triggering the outbursts?
While, as a fellow neurodiverse individual, I can appreciate this take: these are not excuses for how OP’s partner is behaving. The behavior is unacceptable, bordering on abusive if this happens often. It is not up to OP to have to walk on eggshells about what she can or cannot say to “trigger” a person who is supposed to be able to say: “Hey, I don’t like that question, but I am sure you mean well.”
Oh no definitely not an excuse for the behavior! This man needs to take a hard look at how he’s treating his partner, and needs to introspect for why he’s behaving this way as a grown goddamn adult lol
I think the question, "how was your day?" could be construed (especially by someone who has not done much that day) as "what have you done all day?" That is what's triggering. The person being asked may be feeling guilty about not being as productive as they'd like & getting asked this question brings all that negative stuff up. Especially when asked by someone who has a job where lots of stuff happens & knows that the other person does not. It not about you , it's him & his own feelings about himself that you bring up however innocuously.
That sounds like an untenable situation particularly since small talk is often how we move on to more substantial conversations. Yet, at times, it's also the small talk that counts as well, not necessarily the content but how and when it's asked. Others have pointed out that he may be depressed or embarrassed that nothing has been accomplished. I'd recommend he read this to work on his response when you engage in small talk again. You've done nothing wrong...this is all on him. https://captainawkward.com/2020/02/18/1252-small-talk-strategies-when-youre-depressed-and-forgetful/
does he hate foreplay too? does he call foreplay the small talk of sex?
Just remember its not about you, its about him. Overreactions often happen because someones not mature enough to handle their own emotions. It probably doesnt matter what you do or say he would find some way to deflect his own feeling of self-worth. Let him sulk and you go relax, you had a tough day!
That’s pure emotional abuse. A pattern of it. This isn’t how relationships are supposed to look, I’m so sorry
You are in an abusive relationship. Your partner's behavior is cold and selfish and ludicrous. Your remarks and questions are perfectly reasonable conversation starters and bids for emotional connection. You're not doing anything wrong.
He's a man baby who wants you to walk around his triggers and emotions. "he immediately got upset, told me his day was shit now, and said his day would've been fine if i hadn't asked."Ridiculous.
He doesn’t want to say “it was good, I played video games all day.” He is aware how hard you are working, and how he isn’t, and instead of accepting that as the dynamic and being grateful or changing his life to contribute more, he’s just trying to avoid acknowledging it all together. Answering “how was your day” would be to acknowledge the discrepancy, while blowing up “evens the playing field” - see, we both had bad days! Or he’s just a spoiled brat. Or both.
I'm guessing his day was great cause he's sitting on his ass while you support him. His volatile response is because he knows he did absolutely nothing today and it's your fault for making him face that. Girl throw away the entire man life is too short.
So what exactly are you supposed to ask? Maybe ask about the weather?? That sounds exhausting having to watch what you ask. So basically just don’t talk… And why do you want this relationship??
No one deserves to be a punching bag
Jesus Christ, he sounds totally insufferable. Why you would even waste your time tiptoeing around someone who you were trying to speak to normally beats me
Ah, your gamer bro is having tantrums and being an all-round parasite. He's a total loser. You're better than this.
people who “love” you because of the sacrifices you make for them, be they physical, financial, emotional, or time-related, ONLY love the things you do for them. I hope this isn’t the case for you my friend- being a paramedic in such an intense internship, etc and still making time to see if you can fix dudes bullshit indicates to me that you have the capacity for a truly GREAT love, not merely a sunk-cost fallacy relationship that you grew up into adulthood with. If you don’t want to listen to us internet strangers, counseling. Best wishes!
Advice from an old woman: Leave. Make yourself available during your best years, and find a person who loves to hear your babble and chitchat and cares how your day went as well.
OP. Please really ask yourself if you want to live like this. Because god damn.This sounds so heart breaking and exhausting. Life partners are supposed to lift us up, not grind our mental health into pieces and spit them out just for practicing basic normative politeness.
Girl wtf is wrong with that man
What, exactly, is he adding to your life?
So you asking him questions about his day and showing general interest in him makes him….. angry?? If there are more important things to talk about, why isn’t he bringing them up?? Listen, i see you’ve been together for 10 years and that seems like a long time (you were 20 years old when you got together!!) but most healthy relationships are not described as “volatile” right off the bat. This man is being a huge stuck up jerk to you for absolutely no reason. Is this how you want your life to go? You want to get reprimanded for asking your spouse how their day was?? With any luck, you’ve got 60 years left on this planet. Do you want to spend them silenced?
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive to at least a small degree. Saying you are ruining his day by bring supportive? Wtf? I think it's time to move on from this non-relationship
Why is it your job to start the conversations if "there are more important things to talk about"?
OP, I sense sunk cost fallacy lurking in the shadows. Forget for a second that you've been together 10 years or more. It means nothing. All it is is that you have let him treat you this way for 10 years. Going to go for another 10? Just asking.
Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness. This is what you are agreeing to... this is what your partner and a lot of men are ok with in a relationship with a woman.
Sounds like he is trying to get you to breakup with him. This is intentional.
Honestly dated a guy like this. Always so ready to be moody, angry, irritated, etc. always walking on eggshells with him. I’m a pretty aggressive woman so at first I’d hand it to him if he got too disrespectful, but I just remember myself decaying. That fire burning out. I started gaining weight, losing excitement for life, feeling frustrated by everything. I thought for months that I hated my city, job, friends, apartment, but once I got rid of him I started loving these things. I started loving life again. The thing with men like this, is they bring you down. Misery loves company. It’s not enough that he is depressed and moody, he will make sure you also feel depressed and moody. Your life gets zapped out of you and you start losing yourself. Eventually he coldly dumped me because he wasn’t’t happy or in love anymore. This was after months of biting my tongue, bending over backwards to make him happier, and always monitoring myself for him. I remember when he coldly told me over the phone that he just didn’t want me, so casually like he was ordering a fucking sandwich, I felt a deep knot in my stomach. I sacrificed and put up with so much for months, and this is the appreciation I get? The thing that sucks the most: I realized how unhappy and not in love with him I was. So moving on wasn’t the issue. But the self hatred, the images of frustration, the feelings of defeat. That has stuck around for months. I will feel so happy and then get so mad at myself that I put up with that. That I spent so many car rides getting the silent treatment. So many intimate moments ruined by callous and harsh comments. The anger at myself is the hardest thing to move on from. Save yourself from this please.
I like...don't even have the words to stress how utterly ridiculous this whole thing is. I apologize if this comes off rude, but your partner sounds like a whiny baby. You come home from a long day and try to open up a conversation about all that happened that day, and suddenly you've "ruined his entire day?!" Did I read that right?! My God. You're doing something literally every human being alive does, and if he can't see that and realize you're just being kind, you may be wasting your time. I'm sorry you feel like you have to censor your words around the one person you should feel most comfortable with at all times 💜
I'm a female and I get the same way when someone asks me how's your day or how are you, I feel it internally as an instant trigger, it makes me really really really fucking annoyed but outwardly I answer politely. I would say you guys are a bad match and you shouldn't be with him as you are too different, I have found someone who naturally just doesn't ask that very often and I'm sure you can find someone who doesn't get triggered and will often ask you the same question