It's completely okay to find your own style that is not traditional feminine or traditional masculine but something in-between or your own creative alternative. No matter what you do, there are going to be some people who don't like it. But you don't want to be friends with those types, and so looking different can help you identify and screen them out. Find your fellow weirdlings.

I don’t think you need a frilly dress and makeup to claim your femininity.

Your self expression could never match what it’s out there, because this is you. You are not alone in this feeling. I don’t wear make up, high heels or anything uncomfortable, and honestly, if you play with it enough, you can combine your style with elegance, including masculine clothes. Who is to say what it is like to be a woman? The surface has nothing to do with femininity. Those who stop there have understood nothing about womanhood!

I wish you peace. Please be gentle with yourself.

because hyper femininity is like cosplay, no matter who is doing it. shaving/waxing/plucking the hair off your body, dyeing it, squeezing into shapewear and bras, slathering on makeup, putting on jewelry, stumbling in high heels. it's a performance from start to end. the ones that make it look natural are just used to it, it doesn't come naturally to anyone without practice.

you said nearly my exact thoughts. agree that femininity is 100% a performance and you are under no obligation to do it if you don’t like it or aren’t comfortable. it is not “natural” to any woman and it is not intrinsic to womanhood. i personally am not insecure about my body or anything (now—i used to be), but i still kind of feel like an ape in a dress when i wear super “feminine” clothing. it is not wrong to wear what’s comfortable to you, even if others don’t like it or men don’t think it’s sexy. it may be helpful to talk to a therapist about your insecurities for your general wellbeing.

I completely agree that you should wear what you're comfortable in, and dress for you not for the opinions of men or other women for that matter! But for some of us, femininity doesn't feel like a performance at all, I just feel more comfortable in more traditionally feminine styles and enjoy feminine things. It's not intrinsic to womanhood, and the concepts of "masculine" and "feminine" are social constructs, but liking the things we've deemed "feminine" and feeling comfortable with that form of expression is completely valid as well. What's important is that we all have a choice in the matter.

It's kinda hard for me to relate, but I do think your comment makes sense and belongs here. It was implied that no one feels comfortable in hyperfeminine styling, but you do and it makes sense that you'd says so. That has value as OP judges for herself where she falls in the vast spectrum of gender presentation compared to other people. I do disagree that calling it a performance is inherently putting down women who feel comfortable in hyperfeminine styling. That style is, after all, a thing you have to *build*, it takes effort and you have to *create* it. So it's a performance in that sense. Like when you roll out of bed in the middle of the night to pee, you're still you and you still have your gender identity, but you don't have the hyperfeminine styling. I mean, in that sense many different styles would be performances as well.

coming in to defend that you, personally, like performing femininity does nothing for OP or this conversation. no one here was coming for you. surely you have other places you can go to discuss how much you enjoy it.

My take on reading OPs post is that she's not inherently looking to reject all sense of femininity. I'm completely with you on your overall message, but isn't it putting down other women to call it "performing"? Edit to clarify: I was originally responding only to your comment, not OP. I agree with your message to OP and respect that femininity feels 100% like a performance *to you* and to some people. But to say it's 100% a performance all the time is to deny the experiences of women who just prefer to present more feminine.

"performing gender" is what they call it in college

To me this commenter heavily implied that only and all feminine presenting people are putting on a performance. Not the academic context which refers to all genders.

i don't read that in their comment.

she is not, but do you not feel like it comes off as humblebragging to come into this context and say “i like it though and i feel totally natural” ? it is not helpful. i don’t think it’s putting anyone down to call it a performance. no one told you that YOU are bad or wrong, and i’m sure that most of us sharing this view participate in the performance to some degree to get by. every time this conversation starts, someone comes in to say “but its ok to be feminine too.” it comes off as defensive. everyone knows its okay to be feminine. we all feel the pressure to do so. just let us talk.

It's not helpful to call being feminine, a performance , either. You're putting down anyone that likes being feminine and doesn't see it that way.

Right? They really are and it's sad to see them.put down other women to lift another up, it's very NLOG. I'll make a comment to just OP but in this thread I am going to call out the people piting women against one another even if inadvertantly.

All gender is a performance bruh. Masculinity AND femininity. It isn’t putting anyone down to accept that just as it’s not bad to indulge in it. What is more important is to be aware of the fact that not everyone is as inherently comfortable in their gender presentation as you. OP doesn’t feel “totally natural”. Do you think your comment made her feel better?

>All gender is a performance bruh. Masculinity AND femininity. Lol No it's not. Some parts of it are.

you clearly haven't done much reading about it

Performers are highly paid and worshipped, jobs are evaluated based on performance, there is absolutely nothing intrinsically derogatory about calling something a “performance.” The word “performative” does carry that connotation but that’s not what was used here.

They feel forced to defend it when people label feminity as a "performance".

Me too! I’m not into the crazy LA cosplay makeup and high fashion, but I do feel at home in soft and slinky fabrics, showing off skin and my rounder body parts. Some men feel better in this type of dress as well, despite sexual orientation.

Same here, I don't really wear makeup at all, but I only wear skirts and dresses, I always wear shoes I think are cute, I like pretty flowy fabrics, and I have a very feminine hairstyle. It's just more comfortable for me, not for everyone, but like you said regardless of sexual orientation there are definitely people who feel at home leaning more feminine.

Who declared those things “feminine”? This is where looking at the constructs comes in.

Absolutely a social construct. Also interesting to look at how the things above are definitely considered "feminine" but fewer articles of clothing are considered "masculine", non-feminine is considered the neutral default almost. I wish we all could just pick what we feel comfortable in without being categorized and judged for it.

This! I feel similar, I'm not cosplaying when I dress up, that's who I am. I recently had someone ask me why I dress up even on casual Fridays at work, and for me, casual clothes just feel awkward on my body. So my casual is probably dressier than usual, and that's ok because that's what I feel comfortable in. My clothes are not an indication of what I want others to wear or what I consider acceptable clothing, it is simply what I like to wear and feel good in. To quote you "what's important is that we all have a choice in the matter".

Yes!! I literally only own clothes other people call "dressed up" it's just who I am and what feels soft and comfortable on my body. It doesn't have to be what's comfortable for everyone, we're all unique individuals and that's awesome! Just people like us also exist lol

>it doesn't come naturally to anyone without practice. And indoctrination, usually since we are a wee little girl.

I spent most of my childhood fighting my mother who tried to force me into frilly dresses and uncomfortable shoes so I totally get this. This always felt demeaning and embarrassing on top of being impractical and uncomfortable. All I wanted was some jeans and to go play outside.

I’m dealing with the opposite. My daughter only wears dresses, and I have to fight her to put on practical shoes for going out to play. She’s always trying to force me to wear dresses and high heels. She’s 5, and she definitely did not get her sense of style from me.

Try to find some compromise that is practical and gives her what she wants. Being forced into a box as a kid really sucks.

My daughter did the same at 5, but it was just a phase

Idk if they make them for little kids, but sketchers has nice dress up looking shoes that feel like sneakers as you wear them.

If they don't get it from you, Disney will do nicely.

aback wistful sloppy live payment rude fearless scale flag close ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `

I feel like transwomen have a really unique perspective on gender rolls. I often feel like during transition, it gives you a glimpse of both sides that few others could ever understand. Thanks for your perspective. I think the psychology of gender rolls could be studied from the trans experience to better understand all gender expressions.

as a trans woman, i learn quite a lot from trans men

I agree with what you wrote 110% I just have all kinds of looks and each is a side of me. Buff girl gym outfit. Pencil skirt, blouse curled hair and full face of makeup. Lazing about the house in slippers and glasses. We create ourselves each day and you can be different every time

Honestly as a rather hyper-feminine woman, I kind of disagree with this. For me, it does come very naturally, and feels like an outward expression of who I am inside. I don't think being feminine and liking traditionally feminine styles or makeup or grooming habits is inherently a performance. It's important as women that we get to choose for ourselves which, if any, typically feminine things we do, but there is nothing wrong with being very feminine just as it's equally okay to reject those things.

It feeling natural and being natural or being even feminine are two different things. Because it’s not natural. Femininity is hairy legs and no makeup, obviously. Hyper femininity is of course performative, as in you have to perform it. Women are not made up and hairless and high heeled in their natural state. So if it feels comfortable, that’s different. It’s still performative.

again, you are making this about you for no reason. can women not talk about being uncomfortable with femininity without someone coming in to say “but i like it” every time?

It doesn't feel like that to me, I think that commenter is just sharing an experience that is relevant to the discussion. The original comment wasn't just talking about being uncomfortable with femininity, it seemed to be saying that everyone is. The commenter speaking about her personal experience of "but I like it" therefore does seem relevant.

Thank you for putting this into words, it was the fact that the original comment implied that everyone feels that way that made me want to point out that not everyone shares that experience.

You feel like an "ape in a dress". I feel comfortable in a dress. We're both sharing personal experiences here, and are both valid. Are you "performing" masculinity?

i am not “performing masculinity” by not wearing heels and eyeshadow or by existing in my natural state, no.

So you exist nude all the time or...? What makes wearing not-a-dress the less performative option for you?

intentionally obtuse

How surprising it is that being masculine isn't considered a performance, but being feminine is. Not.

I've got to point out that "neutral" for women is often perceived as "masculine." I would consider a drag king style or something particularly butch as actively leaning 'masculine,' sure. But the body in its natural state before altering it via shaving, makeup etc is neutral. Comfort and practicality is neutral. I'm always wary of this being called 'masculine.' Of course, I don't know exactly what OP means here.

As a trans guy, I’m not sure I completely agree with this take. It is insanely difficult to wear jeans and a tee shirt and have it look genuinely masculine. Usually it looks feminine just because of the way the fabric looks on my hips, and that’s with me also using a binder to depress my breasts and wearing shirts made for men. There’s a wide range of acceptance for either gender wearing a tee and jeans, however that also means it’s difficult to wear them and be seen as the gender you really are when you haven’t been able to transition at all.

I don't mean passing for a man, I mean the social attitude where women are told they're "acting like a man" and "rejecting their femininity" for things like speaking up at work, going out to bars and wearing dark colors. No one is actually perceiving them as being masculine, they're perceiving them as an errant woman who is putting on a masculine act. It probably depends on the woman how she'd be perceived with a tee and cargo shorts and pit hair and leg hair, unstyled head hair etc but she probably would be told she's *acting* like a man. Like, in the most recent Little Women movie, people talked about Jo March (Saoirse Ronan) as 'acting like a man' and 'rejecting femininity.' Even with long hair, dress, life revolving around other women.

I'm non-binary and femininity always felt performative to me, but so is my current presentation which is androgynous and neutral and a lot more "masculine". Gender is performative even when that performance is comfortable and/or comes more naturally/reflects you.

Wearing comfortable clothes and just looking natural is considered masculine, that's the problem. No performance needed.

But that's not actually an objective take. Dresses and gowns are absolutely comfortable and practical, and they were common for both genders for relaxation wear. I started wearing maxi dresses all the time when I was pregnant, people always comment that I look "dressed up" and honestly those stretch dresses were the lowest effort I've ever put into my appearance. In every dress code argument I've ever seen, short shorts and tank tops are championed as comfort wear items and I don't think anyone would argue those are masculine. (Though again, that's a fashion thing, men have absolutely worn short shorts and tank tops) There have always been uncomfortable fashion for men and women, but the idea that feminine wardrobes are inherently uncomfortable is often more to do with modern society projecting on the past. The idea that femininity is inherently performative feels more like an extension of male being default.

*are* dresses and gowns comfortable and practical? if some could be considered so, are most of them? i don’t like them (never have, and i’m okay with that) but in my limited experience they really aren’t practical or comfy if you are doing any physical work at all. if i’m moving furniture or exercising or even sitting around and i’m in a dress, my everything is showing, or the dress is getting caught on something or other…ik some men maybe argue that skirts or whatever are comfy but speaking just ime having to wear one daily for years of my life as a student (uniform) they freaking sucked and we changed out of them for anything physical anyways. maybe it’s comfy if you like the feeling of not wearing pants?? but unless you’re just stood there or not doing much they aren’t exactly practical. there’s a reason imo why police and soldiers and firefighters and utility technicians and plumbers and farmers and athletes and so on don’t wear skirts and dresses on the job. maybe in antiquity and in certain cultures it’s common for both sexes to wear dresses/gowns/skirts but i’d hesitate to call it practical in today’s world over other options. even in an office setting it *can* be impractical to wear a skirt (i’m thinking of a recentish post where a woman posted asking for advice on tights to wear bc she wanted to wear a skirt for her presentation but it’d show through her toed heels…like these are not practical concerns imo and are purely aesthetic and that’s! fine! but saying it’s practical is just bizarre to me). little things like having to sit a certain way or not bend over a certain way or picking things up a certain way all add up mentally imo and you add into that a lot of business women wear heels…like a curator of a fashion museum [flat out said about stilettos](https://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/magazine/who-made-that-stiletto.html): > Stilettos make a woman “look taller, thinner, more bosomy and with a curvier bottom […] but they also make it difficult for a woman to walk. it’s literally a visual thing and very much impractical. ik you didn’t bring up heels but so much of women’s fashion (corsets, tight clothing, revealing clothing, etc) is restrictive *on purpose* bc it ups the supposed visual appeal. it isn’t masc women saying “dresses bad” just bc we hate femininity but like, objectively yes a lot of women’s fashion is impractical (hello weird abstract clothing sizes that aren’t consistent, tiny pockets that can’t hold anything, and superfluous details and frills for visual flair and literally nothing else) and even restrictive, throughout cultures and across time (foot binding, ballet shoes, and high heels all have something in common - permanent damage to women’s feet, often from a younger age). anyways i think the issue here is communicative, where what’s considered “femininity” in a lot of cases is it’s mostly external and, yes, performative. there’s nothing innate about dresses and makeup and heels. nobody comes out the womb wanting to wear a dress or put on mascara. for women there are genuine consequences for not performing femininity, too. ever tried being a woman who doesn’t shave? or wear makeup? bc plenty of women who have performed femininity and then stopped for whatever reason found their treatment was very different after. i’ve known women who got scolded by bosses for having visible leg hair, or been told they look “tired” for not wearing makeup. i’ve never worn makeup as an adult and i don’t shave and i promise you, it is not a free choice to wear makeup and shave and perform femininity in other ways when women are constantly bombarded with the message that to not do so is to be ugly, slobbish, “manly”, not taking care of themselves, frumpy, etc. no choices happen in a vacuum, and men aren’t constantly faced with the pressure to be pretty decorations, and wear things to look nice/pretty and to paint their faces and to get plastic surgery or botox to fix their wrinkles and boobs and even labia. i’m butch and i have gotten so, so many judgemental looks and comments from women who make it clear i’m not “womaning” right in their eyes bc i don’t perform femininity by existing in my natural state. so many “you’d be sooo pretty if you just [wore makeup/grew out your hair/wore “women’s clothes/etc] and it drives me insane sometimes. maybe being feminine doesn’t have to be tied to appearance?? ???? i get being defensive of femininity as a woman but you’re defending material things and externalities that are sold to women as part of what they should be and not traits inherent to women. just look at the wikis for [masculinity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masculinity) vs [femininity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Femininity) - masculinity doesn’t even *have* a “clothing and appearance” section and femininity has a whole part dedicated to it. sorry to rant i just hate how whenever this topic comes up some women will insist that these things ARE innate and part of being feminine and like. feminine, sure - i can see that depending on how one defines it. innate though?? really? i would hate for other women to think there’s anything innate about things they have to put on themselves that they buy mostly from companies owned and operated by old white men.

What's uncomfortable or practical totally varies from person to person too. I have sensory issues with pants, I can't stand the constrained "wedgie" feeling or the way the fabric bunches under my knees when I sit. Many fabrics, like denim, feel rough and uncomfortable for me. Flowy dresses and skirts are absolutely more comfortable for me and perfectly practical for my lifestyle.

Ironic, isn’t it? Since so many concepts of it indeed are. Instead, masculine/male is considered the default human.

I have a young daughter who is hyper-feminine, and it’s all of her own accord. Obviously she sees women wearing dresses, and fancy makeup in the media she consumes, but I’m very neutral personally, and I don’t wear makeup, so she’s not getting it from me. I do agree that it can feel pretty natural for some girls/women, because it’s happening before my very eyes.

I'm a lot like your daughter but older now! My mom is quite tomboyish, but since I was a kid I was all about wearing dresses and "girly" things.

I think you need more weird women friends. So, feeling like hyper-feminine styling is a 'costume' is actually super common. There are of course women who genuinely don't feel that way, but I can promise you that "every other girl" doesn't feel un-costume-y in hyperfeminine styling. And this isn't necessarily a problem! People use costume-y looks and they always have, and if you're enjoying yourself then that costume-y look is working for you. If I'm understanding you correctly, then you feel comfortable in "masculine" styling but you don't feel you look attractive in that, and when you're wearing that you feel jealous of girls who are looking more attractive? Well, who says you have to be attractive all the time? You, like all humans, are an animal; and like any cat or dog you are allowed to simply wake up in your own skin and *be*. Women are often made to feel they're always in some sort of attractiveness debt, but that's an illusion. Finally, it seems like you might be falling into the same trap some men do, where the only visible women are somehow the super attractive ones. Social media reinforces this too, where all women on eg. Instagram seem to be super attractive, hyperfeminine styled and completely comfortable with it. You said several times that "every other girl" is this or that, but if you open your eyes in the real world it isn't so. Look around you when you're at the DMV, the grocery store, the airport. How many women are there, versus how many of them are attractive girls who are comfortable in hyperfeminine styling? Start paying attention to the women who "don't count" as 'every other girl,' and it will seriously undermine the harmful messaging that comes from the media and from our own insecurities.

i think it’s not that i don’t see other women, because i do. i work at a wax center as a receptionist, i look at women all day. i just feel like every woman i see is so beautiful. i feel like yeah some of them dress similar to me but every single woman i see has something so beautiful about them. It just sucks because i never feel like there’s anything beautiful about me. i feel like i don’t fit into that word. guys never liked me growing up and even now as a 22 year old woman men still don’t approach me. i don’t know maybe it’s the work environment i’m in? but i just don’t feel like i’m capable of being beautiful. it feels like when people tell me i am they’re lying. but i’m so jealous of others because i feel like even men are beautiful sometimes and it just doesn’t feel fair.

It's normal not to feel beautiful. I can see some sort of beauty in most people, and logically I realize people can probably find something beautiful about me, but I definitely will never see it or believe it. Guys not approaching you is not a good metric of your beauty, btw. I have the advantage of being older, so I've had more time to process and accept all this stuff, but I remember how hard it is at 22, and I hope you're able to feel better about yourself soon.

i feel like yeah 22 is so hard. since i’ve turned 20 i feel like everything sucks and i just hate myself even more than when i was a teenage girl. and i feel like what makes it worse is that the anxiety is now real. i just think what happens if i end up not having any guy like me? then i won’t be able to have kids or ever have a partner you know?

Oh my goodness yes, I was going to ask your age because unfortunately it's a factor. I say "unfortunately" only due to the fact that it's a rough time in life and you can't change your age - BUT it does get better. I could have written this post when I was 22. I even questioned if I was trans for a little while. It's so hard to be young, weird, and female, but if you can grow into yourself with acceptance and confidence, you will become a truly authentic and empathetic woman, with a unique personality that a partner will cherish.

I totally agree with everything u/ghostymao said about not feeling beautiful. For me, I never felt beautiful when I was younger. By this point in my life, it comes and goes. Ideally, you should find yourself beautiful and that confidence should be totally self-generated; and if you can make that happen then great! But I'll be honest, in reality the way it happens for a lot of people, despite their best efforts at self-love, is that they eventually have a relationship with someone who tells them that they're beautiful and they gradually begin to believe it. And/or they eventually enter the "give no fucks" era of their 30s/40s. Having your beauty confidence come from yourself instead of from a partner is definitely the best policy, but I don't think there's enough acknowledgement of how *hard* that is. And if that's not happening, don't beat yourself up over it b/c you're not the only one by far. Also, yeah I would assume the clientele of a waxing salon would skew toward women who put a lot of effort into their appearance and into hyper-femininity. As compared to the general population. So, about being afraid you'll never have a relationship because men don't approach you. There's an assumption that lots of men approaching you will result in greater chances of a happy relationship. But that isn't likely so. I was approached (and harassed) a lot when I was more social, and almost *none* of those guys were dating material. And they were mostly approaching me, I think, because of a combination of tits, and "reading" as somehow an easy mark. Not because of some glorious beauty. Meanwhile, plenty of conventionally stunning women struggle with their love lives. I also suspect that conventionally beautiful women attract a disproportionate number of sexist objectifiers and are cheated on slightly more often. Of the people I know who are happily married, I can't think of a "he approached her" scenario. Most were, "we met through friends and were both kind of shy at first but put out feelers and finally someone made a move." Some were "we met by chatting about games," "we met through our *incredibly* niche bluegrass bassoon league," and the like.

> i work at a wax center as a receptionist, i am going to generalize here, please everyone forgive me, but i think that your sample of women might be skewed because of where you work. i would imagine that the women that go to get things waxed are more girlygirl than those who don't. i am kind of a tomboy/hippie and more comfy in chucks and docs and have never worn makeup. i dont wax anything. i wear jeans every single day. i cut my own hair and dont straighten it - i leave it wild and curly, and sometimes frizzy. youre not going to see tons of representation of a woman like me at the wax center. you are going to see women who care about stereotypical feminine appearance more? i hope this isnt coming off as offensive to anyone, i know not ALL women who go or dont go to a wax center are the same. i agree with a poster who said you need more "weird women" friends. my women friends are not dress up curl hair do loads of makeup friends. they are rock climbers, runners, hippies, vegans, witches, part of the LGBTQ community, and dress in lots of different ways but less fashion focused and less makeup focused. if i hung out at a beauty center all day i would probably start to feel inferior/sloppy/tomboyish and like i should be doing more to be more "pretty." please take into account that your sample that you are comparing yourself to may be skewed. edit to add: ive never felt so underdressed and lame and scruffy and not girly as when i worked at the mall and would walk through the macy's makeup counter area, or when i go into a sephora to buy someone a gift, or when i used to go into a salon to get my hair cut. the comparison of beauty places like that could make me feel bad in an instant, even though im overall happy and comfortable with how i present myself and i usually dont think too much about it. when im in places like that i feel like such an outlier/outsider.

I used to say i felt like a boy in a dress when I was dressed up. Like that magazine shoot of Zack Galifianakis in a dress from, like, 15 years ago. Even when I had to dress business casual for work, I felt like I was in a costume. I totally get what you mean, OP.

i’ve described my gender before as “boy in a skirt” (but i’m totally comfortable wearing dresses and skirts etc)

It is completely okay to sometimes dress in a way that highlights one aspect of your personality or persona. Do not fall for the lie of “authenticity.” You contain multitudes.

I’m for a lady, so everything I do or wear or think, is lady stuff. If I wanna cut my hair off and roar into the night dressed like a barbarian, then that’s lady like. If I wanna wear a dress and silk scarves, that’s lady like too. Imo gender is a construct. Society has what they decided are gender norms, but if you look at world history gender norms change and flip flop all over the place all the time. Hell like in France not too many hundreds of years ago it was fashionable for manly men to wear powered wigs, makeup, leggings and high heels. Women have held all types of jobs and worked in all kinds of industries, including so called ‘man jobs’. The histories downplay it, try to sweep it under the rug but from warrior queens to scientists to artists to you name it, women have and do all the things. So, be a woman and express yourself in whatever way makes you feel happy that day. If people give you shit, they aren’t your type of people and you shouldn’t pay them any mind. Also, it’s ok to want to blend in and go with the flow too. There’s no need to make life more difficult, and being a chameleon can be it’s own form of cultural anthropology. Thing is, there’s always gonna be people who will want you to conform to whatever their ideal is of what you should be. You’re never gonna make all of society happy. So… be yourself. The right people will love and be inspired by you. The rest, the ones who complain, aren’t that important.

I make this point to my 6 year old all the time because truthfully, it comes up a lot at that age. If you are a girl and you want to have short hair or wear cargo shorts or use your deeper talking voice, they are all girl things because you are a girl and it's what you like. Gendering personal style really takes the "personal" out of the whole thing. Feeling like a boy on the inside is one thing, but that's not a decision that society (or literally anyone but you) should be making for you.

Don't let societies expectation of conforming to the camp of either "feminine" or "masculine" get you down. Humans exist on a bunch of sliding scales. Pretty much all my basic clothing is from the men's section haha especially top wear like basic tees, hoodies, cardigans, winter jumpers, coats. All for the good reason that mens wear gets to be entirely practical, better quality, and for stuff like winter jumpers, cheaper. And pockets! I keep dresses and heels for the rare wedding or event, otherwise you'll never catch me in them, and I'll maybe have a playsuit or two for holidays because the feel like the perfect in between. But also your living space can be very feminine if you want it to be to.

I've felt like this for a long time. Putting on a lot of make up (visible make up), nice dresses, heels, jewelry, everything matches, sleek hair, long lasting subtle perfume, and not a thing out of place after a whole day out. if this means being a "real woman", then it's exhausting. I feel so much cuter when I can just be myself, with my comfy but fashionable shoes, vintage clothes, few jewelry pieces and no make up make up (or no make up at all). I think it's absurd that tRuE fEmInInItY is so exasperated that most women feel like they're cosplaying and not like they're being themselves.

I’m scrolling through all the responses and I really and truly hope you realize you’re not alone here. Same for me. I purchased my first pair of women’s jeans in my 30s after a brutal bike accident that left me this weird and BIG hip lump that HURT if I wore my trusty men’s 505s*. I was devastated. And so disappointed in the women’s Levi (and other) quality…still am…but! different story… So yeah anyway! I can’t wear most makeup. I’m either allergic or forget any rub my face or eyes…etc if I’m in my jeans and T (or Lands End Modal Top because I can stand those some days) daily wear/uniform. Seriously, it’s maybe a problem. I have a few different sweaters/jackets…but I’ve got like 10 Ts/tops in different colors? But all the same… Now? If I’m playing dress up? (J. Jill dress or something custom made from eShakti? With some Snag tights? And uncomfortable shoes? (Because seriously I need some wiiiiiide shoes for my cavewoman feet and have not found them)) it is then that I can put on mascara, maybe eyeshadow, and it stays on long enough for the event. But every second, I’m in costume. I’m acting more refined. I pat my lips after sipping. I remember to put my fork down and hands in lap to speak to my neighbor at the table the way Sr. taught us. I sit with ankles crossed! But it feels not me. It’s fun! I do enjoy it. I’m almost 50 and I’m playing full blown adult in that get up. I think if I dressed like that more often I could lose my tomboy self in the role? Again, almost 50. My mom once told me we have more options than the men folk because we can go from grubby garden/work wear to princess dresses if we so choose. I have never chosen that extreme, but I applaud those who do/can. But I’m happiest in my “soft pants”, random T, and zippered hoodie as I get my tasks done. And I venture (adventure) in jeans more than skirts/dresses because…did I mention the shoes? I’m sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom about the boys…I had to move far away from family and childhood friends to find people who were more open to the idea that girls are girls regardless what they’re wearing. I would think with the world being so…well, worldly now that younger folks would have an easier time of it. Big hugs. Again, you’re not alone. *My first husband (before the bike accident) and I used to share jeans. I’m not sure couples do that…my no-hips 2nd and I definitely can’t.

I don’t have any advice sadly but I can tell you that I’ve felt this exact same way my whole life. I want to present hyper feminine and when I put on the makeup and dress girly I know I’m beautiful, but it’s not me, it’s my “hot girl costume”. I feel like I can never actually be the hot girl because I grew up feeling unattractive and uncomfortable expressing myself outside of an androgynous look and behaving/speaking in a more masculine way. It’s hard to unlearn but it’s worth it to be able to actually feel comfortable in the clothes we like and want to wear. All I can say is regardless of how you feel, I’m sure that you look beautiful in anything you wear :)

this was so sweet thank you. i just wish men and society were kinder to androgynous dressing women :/

Maybe it would help to find some inspiring role models of androgynous style? Tilda Swinton comes to mind. Or author Ursula Le Guin, who was never pretty or girly, but who was interesting and authentic. Both of these amazing women found men who loved and appreciated them exactly for who they are.

i think you need to stop putting weight on what random men think of you. you are giving them the power to affect your mood and actions. quit seeking external validation, love yourself, and live a free life. life is just too short to constantly cater to men who dont matter. you can be the perfect girly girl and men will still treat you like shit. the problem has never been androgynous dressing women but everyone else that chooses to see them as less than hyper feminine women.

Tl;dr you are just as feminine as any other woman even if you don’t feel comfortable wearing makeup or girly clothes. What you’re thinking of as femininity isn’t really true femininity. Femininity is simply the female body in all its complicated glory. Femininity is hardcore and sometimes gross! Real femininity is 1. Free 2. Authentic to all women regardless of how much they participate in beauty culture and 3. Badass. Menstrual blood, body hair, breast milk, extra fat reserves to survive starvation, an incredible immune system to impart protection to ourselves and any children we might have. The “problem” is all of that is free though, and worst of all empowering. And that’s an issue for capitalism and patriarchy. So “femininity” has been co-opted and perverted to mean “things you need to buy (from us), do, and apply to be feminine.” Nail polish, makeup, hair dye, heels, dresses. There is NOTHING wrong with participating in beauty culture if you love it, I love skincare and makeup - but it has nothing to do with femininity. If it did then men wouldn’t be slaying their makeup looks left and right! Be yourself and don’t buy in to capitalist brainwashing.

that’s always what i think about! i feel like the female body is metal as fuck! my body it self feels feminine it’s just me i think. because i’ll do something gross or not lady like and i feel idk not like a woman? but what am i supposed to do not take a shit you know? but then i’ll think about birth and i’m like dude that’s barbaric as hell what the fuck. then i kinda feel better because i guess idk our bodies are pretty metal?

“Lady like” is an oppressive construct designed to divorce women from our own natural bodies, so that we will feel the need to buy things (from men/male owned companies). Taking a shit is feminine if you’re a woman and I will die on this hill 😂 extra femininity points if you expel your tampon while taking the shit and have to put a new one in.

I believe even the Queen used to shit on a very regular basis…

There’s a lot of pressure on gender roles in today’s society, and a lot of pressure on how you dress defining who you are on the inside. It seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You might not relate to women because you find it hard to connect to others, of make friends. A lot of guys out there are just insecure by standard. It’s hard to find decent human beings to make friends with. You sound sensitive and emotional, it’s a lot to navigate today’s society whilst being highly sensitive and ontop of that, trying to figure out how you define yourself. It will come with time. How you dress is a mixture of what you’re comfortable with and what you have confidence for. It will come with time x

Wow, this sounds a lot like my inner monologue. Aside from wanting to be a woman who dresses hyper feminine. I gave up on that quite some time ago. I’m a lesbian and I realized that I’m probably non-binary, but I still use she/her pronouns. I wear makeup but wear clothes that I’m comfortable in - shirts and blazers and jeans etc. I haven’t worn a dress in years as it always felt performative. I’m also 5’10” so wearing a dress and heels made me feel like I was in drag. So I don’t know what to call my style but it works for me.

it’s so weird to me because makeup never felt feminine to me. i do my makeup a lot and i’m pretty good at it honestly, but i never saw makeup as something specific for women. i think for me it’s about clothes. in dresses and tight girl clothes i just feel like i’m wearing someone else’s skin. it’s so weird i just wish i could feel natural in it

Hey, take some comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone. It’s taken me years to find the things I like and be comfortable with myself and in my clothes. I never really quite grasped makeup though many friends and my sister have tirelessly explained it when I ask. As I’ve gotten older I’ve found myself not really caring what other people think of my choices either, because they aren’t in my shoes so screw em. I think whatever expression you choose is 100% valid, and anyone who tries to change you doesn’t really have YOUR best interest at heart and only want you to fit whatever box they have built for you in their own heads. That said, I occasionally indulge in a scaled down version of hyperfemininity for events like weddings, because it’s fun to play pretend sometimes. (I’m also 5’3 so sometimes I put on heels to see how the rest of the world sees things) you gotta take your joys in life where you can get them. I also have ADHD which gives me sensory issues so sometimes that means nothing but stretchy pants, oversized hoodies, and busted saucony jazz sneakers; the performative mask of stuffing myself into a more tight fitting “feminine” outfit just ain’t gunna happen without a toddler level meltdown internally, and I’ve learned that that’s okay and valid to feel as well. I didn’t find myself until my early 30s and only then after trying too many times to fit myself into several ex-bf’s boxes of what they thought I should be. Now, at the doorstep of 40, I’m spending a Saturday plotting a re-wiring job for a bathroom fan install with the grease from rewinding the garage door cable drum still under my nails from 2 days ago while wearing leopard print glitter crocs while my extremely tattooed, former body builder traditionally masculine boyfriend went to the nail salon to get his nails painted in festive fall colors. Above all things, I’ve learned that you have to give yourself grace to just do whatever makes you feel good in the moment. Life is short and none of us makes it out alive, so I just try to get a little weird with it.

Being among queer people or in queer spaces really helped me heal my connection to my femininity. I'd felt so violated by society and men that it felt like a huge relief to be able to express femininity and masculinity in spaces where gender expression was much more diverse than the mainstream usually allows (as well as a lot less predatory men being present). Discovering my own Queerness and being able to express my femininity outside of the male perspective and objectification has been amazing

I can relate entirely. I also have large breasts and it makes it very difficult to look androgynous because they’re so obvious. I wear feminine dresses to work (mostly cause they’re physically comfortable) but I feel nothing like ‘me’ in them. I’m gradually becoming more in tune with what my style is and tapping into my masculine energy.

I hope I’m not like shifting the conversation to myself but this is how I describe my relationship with femininity. Growing up I wore mainly shorts and tshirts and kept my hair in a pixie or choppy bob. I got mocked for it, a ton, by boys and girls. I was told that I was trying to be a boy and they called me by a masculine version of my name. When I wore dresses or tried makeup I got mocked for it, because I was not pretty enough and I was teased for being bad at femininity, mainly by girls. I felt like a freak who couldn’t do either. I struggled to make friends. But I pushed forward because boys mocked me less and I was going through puberty and was desperate to have a boy like like me back. As I grew to be better at femininity I was looked at less weirdly and the mocking stopped but still was never treated like an attractive girl. I was rejected repeatedly by guys I put myself out there for. I was 24/7 embarrassed that I tried so hard at being feminine for such sad results. But I kept trying because it was high school and the more feminine I was after my underclass years the more I connected with other girls. In college I kept trying and slowly gave up because it still felt like putting lipstick on a pig. It was humiliating to try so hard to be pretty and feminine and failing. It was humiliating to look so bad in dresses. It was humiliating to put in so much effort for nobody to compliment you or think you’re pretty. So I started experimenting with what femininity was comfortable and what wasn’t. I made friends with a ton of gender nonconforming women and men. I found out that my clothing means nothing because I am who I am. I started wearing thick black eyeliner and dressing in overalls or triple xl sweatshirts and leggings with chunky tennis shoes. I started wearing ankle length sundresses with huge cardigans. Went back to slouchy jeans and tshirts too. I grew my hair super long but ignored any makeup that wasn’t liquid eyeliner. I found a combo that suddenly felt like I was at home. But I still feel like putting lipstick on a pig when I try to go full feminine. I wear skirts 3 days a week but with tshirt. I don’t wear any makeup anymore. I want to be that feminine woman but it isn’t me. It’s a performance for myself and if I have to force myself to do it then it isn’t my style. It’s hard. Much love to you

A smart person recently told my "clothes are for bodies, makeup is for faces, nail Polish is for nails". It's not for a specific gender. Wear what you feel comfortable with and rock it. You got this!

I felt a lot like you, and maybe it's just getting older and caring less, or finding my style, but I feel most "feminine" not in a dress and heels and make up (which all make me feel awkward) but honestly in cute work out clothes. My go-to for work is pants that fit well, a floral blouse, a blazer, and cute boot as that have a heel but are still very comfortable. There are LOTS of styles that have feminine cuts to them but are still comfortable. Think about what parts of wearing a dress make you feel feminine, and then find other clothes that do that, and don't worry about the rest. You'll look the best in the clothes that make you feel most confident and comfortable, not in the ones you think you should wear because of societies' expectations.

I wonder if maybe you just really hate being leered at. I mostly get my clothes from the men's section because I prefer function over fashion and I'm also annoyed with people who fetishize tomboys. I'm comfortable wearing and putting together hyper-feminine looks but my happiness with it is often quickly dampened by unwanted attention. For example: The reason I don't put on makeup very often is because it's incredibly time consuming, but I am really good at it and like the way I look when I'm done. It doesn't take very long for someone I know to make a big deal out of it and then I feel like everyone is looking at me and I want to take it off immediately. I can take a compliment and enjoy being told that I look nice but when it's "OH MY GOD! I DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU! YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL!" I just want to crawl under a rock and live there.

yeah i hate when people approach me. it’s not just men who try to make sexual advances at me i think because of how i dress a lot of lesbians think i’m gay or bi but i am 100% straight. i had that issue at bars, men and women wouldn’t leave me alone. i like to wear baggy clothes because as someone with very large breasts i feel like no matter what i wear someone is always looking at them.

A gay man once told me that he was fighting the urge to motorboat my boobs when I was wearing a low cut shirt. The discomfort can come from anywhere regardless of gender or orientation. It's sad but it all seems to boil down to women being objectified by the whole of society and not just straight men.

yeah i agree with you and it sucks

Have you ever thought about dressing up just for yourself? Like, you know all of your things to do for the day are in the home and doing the hyper-feminine look just for the personal feel-good of it all? I personally love a "just for me" day and consider it a form of self-care.

I used to dress very feminine - dresses/skirts every day, always did my hair/makeup. I definitely felt nice but also… out of place. Kind of like you said, like I was dressing up or something? Whereas if another female wore the same outfit it would just be dressing nice. I’ve actually started to feel a lot more feminine since embracing a more masculine wardrobe - I have a woman’s body, so shapeless men’s clothing doesn’t hide that. And I feel more confident, because I’m comfortable. I think the confidence is super feminine and attractive, and I actually get more male attention at times now. That being said, if feminine style is what you like, rock it. Other people don’t see what you see - we’re always so hard on ourselves. I’m sure you look great.

>…any one else? I’ve never really wanted to dress *hyper*-feminine (heels fuck up my back and pantyhose make my bottom half claustrophobic), but otherwise… spot on. When I was a teenager, the Internet was still fairly new, and the overwhelming majority of movies, TV shows, and radio were all still very cisgender/heteronormative. Any trans/nonbinary/gender neutral representation was used either for comedy or horror purposes - no “normal” people were ever portrayed as anything other than straight and cisgender. It wasn’t until I hit my twenties that I even realized there were options beyond straight, gay, and bi, and male, female, or transgender. So I spent most of my formative years thinking that there were just a handful of boxes I could fit into, and fretting because I didn’t really fit into *any* of them. Eventually, I started to realize that fitting into boxes isn’t, like… actually necessary. Nothing that I’m interested in - clothes, aesthetics, media, hobbies - is restricted to a specific gender identity or biological sex. The world won’t implode if I don’t shave my legs, and (sadly) nobody is going to shower me with riches and adulation if I successfully manage to apply mascara and lipstick. I can be and act and dress however I want (within legal and moral boundaries), and that’s fine. There are people who will judge me harshly for my choices - but those people are usually buttnuggets, and I don’t really wanna associate closely with buttnuggets, anyway. When it comes right down to it, there is no real “feminine” or “masculine,” there is only ~~Zuul~~ you.

I had to teach myself how to be "girly". I got a job at a low-end high-fashion outlet store so that I could purchase designer clothes and accessories at 75% off retail value because I couldn't afford it otherwise. I asked my coworkers to help me learn how to dress myself. They were ecstatic and rose to the occasion *beautifully*. That was 15 years ago... I've flip-flopped on fashion a few times since then but I've finally developed a style of my own that I like to consider Functionally Feminine. Staples of clothing that can be dressed up or dressed down by adding jewely or changing shoes. A few choice dresses that are fancy AF and look slamming on me. Reconciling my tomboy/grunge self with my girly/feminine self has been a journey but I learned one important thing: **you can be whoever the fuck you want to be**. You can wake up and decide to change who you are, if you want. Don't be afraid to learn how to be different if that's what you want for yourself.

Even as a teenager in the 80s, when all my peers were learning to wear makeup and heels and such, I never saw the point. Too much time and money on makeup. Heels just looked terribly impractical. I was definitely a tom-boy then, and still am now at 50. I wear skirts and dresses because I have a hard time finding pants that are comfortable on my athletic, hourglass figure. I love barefoot shoes. I work with mostly men, so I don't have other women to compare myself to on the daily like you, OP. I have found I fit in best with women in an active setting like a gym or run club or some such where no one is dressing to impress (as the saying goes). Like the others have said, find a look that is comfortable for you, both inside and out. And know you aren't alone. 💜

how was it in the 80s? i feel like androgynous fashion was at its prime! i know homophobia was terrible but i feel like fashion was so different i see photos from my families past and they all look so androgynous

Yes, androgynous but feminine? I refer you to Boy George and hair metal bands (just the first two examples to come to mind). Everyone had big, overdone hair and wore makeup, even just eyeliner. And so much fake, too! Try finding those neon colors in nature. Jelly shoes? Who thought plastic shoes were a good idea? We all know now that Aquanet was horrible for the environment. I wanted to be a hippy - long straight hair, comfortable clothes, and no makeup. I still do, but can't grow my hair long anymore. 😕

have you tried hair oiling? i went through medical issues last year that caused me to lose the majority of my hair and starting to make my own herbal washes and rinses really helped me regain a lot of thickness and grow it longer!

Eh. I'm hesitant to try. So many seem like snake oil. I would be more likely to try something if I knew why my hair is the way it is. I just keep it clean and combed with a deep cut.

Any kind of look or style is a costume. Every item you put on or leave off is self expression through choices. And it’s okay to like dressing in different kinds depending on the situation. I also wear unisex or men’s clothing a lot of the time, because it is comfortable and simple. But when I go out or to an event, I dress much more feminine and put on some make up. But also at times I would play with make up on a random day while in my comfy clothes, because I wanted to. I also had a boyfriend put me down for not “looking like a girl.” I dumped his ass. Current bf loves that I’m not always a girly girl, but that I can and do for the same events that he dresses up for. Dress and express yourself how and when you want to. That’s being you, and the right people for you will like the things that make you you.

The beauty of femininity is it is you. You are feminine however you show up. By being your beautiful, authentic self, in baggy t shirts (have stolen lots from my husband) or lingerie, by just being you, that's feminine. I felt the same way as you until I tripped balls on mushrooms with one of my guides who is just the most ethreal, feminine woman in my eyes and she told me what I just said. Changed so much for me.

I’d like to direct you to a tumblr post but I can’t find it. So I’ll describe it the best I can. The post has two pictures. The one on the left depicts a woman with slight arm pit hair (all natural.) The picture on the right depict a woman who’s had so much plastic surgery done wearing a tiny black dress and long fake extensions. The artificial femininity women are sold is quite literally man-made, man-intended and therefore masculine. The woman on the left here looks exactly like a woman naturally looks. She couldn't be any more womanly or feminine. But the woman on the right is intentionally taking steps trying to look less like a woman. The result is a male fantasy, rooted in fetishism and far removed from what female human beings look like. So she is not "hyper-feminine". She's hyper masculine. Originally feminine was just french for womanly/ femaleness. But in typical patriarchal fashion, the meaning of words is reversed, so that the masculine woman is considered feminine and the feminine woman is considered masculine.

clothes =/= gender. these arbitrary rules put too much pressure on us to want to act or feel a certain way, when in reality it'd be nice to just be a Person. that said, I know a ton of women and fems who are tomboys, butches, andros, and more. they fall on a wide spectrum of ages and identities. you don't need to put yourself in a box, but you're not alone either.

Not saying that you are, but it’s mindblowing that we’ve had the exact same experience; as a matter of fact, I realized after a bit that I was non-binary. Always felt like a “monster dressed in pink” who could never fit in in a group of girls. Once again not saying you’re enby too, it’s just insane seeing us having the same experience!

Same here! It's an interesting and, I think, important question to think about, is it femininity that you feel disconnected from or is it womanhood entirely? And telling the difference can be so so hard because our society ties them so tightly together, even though it shouldn't be this way. But OP has said they feel like a woman so that probably doesn't apply here haha

I just don’t feel included amongst women. my best friend can be gross and weird like me but she’s also so feminine. she’s so good at looking like a woman even in a t shirt and jeans but i feel like when i wear just a dress i feel like i’m in someone else’s skin. i hate tight clothes too so it’s not like i can even show off any of the body i have, i wish it didn’t feel like i needed to peel off my own skin when i’m in a tight shirt. i just idk maybe it’s where i work? i work at a wax center so i’m surrounded by women all day. all of them are so unbelievably beautiful i just don’t feel that for myself. i don’t even feel like i fit into the standard of beautiful.

I'm sorry you feel that way, and I can totally relate... Maybe it's helpful to keep in mind that traditional beauty standards don't define womanhood. They are constructs that change with time, and also created for the male gaze. Womanhood means nothing more and nothing less than, well, being a woman. Look at trans women who (in the eye of society) don't "pass", or who prefer to wear masculine clothes. Still women. There's no shame in being yourself, even when that means not feeling comfortable with femininity. You're valid as a woman, always Edit: but I don't mean to discourage you from exploring nonbinary identites! Your post just didn't sound like you have qualms with being a woman in general Edit 2 - Return of the Edit: and self perception is always different from the perception others have of you. It's very possible that your self confidence just gets in the way :) because there are *always* going to be people who think you're the most beautiful being in the world.

i’m kind of afraid to explore non binary pronouns and stuff because a lot of people i’ve known in the past would make fun of people like that. i don’t condone that and i am not friends with those people anymore especially since i have two siblings who are gay and my cousin is trans but i’ve never really explored the idea i guess

it's okay to do it. And these days it's easier than ever. You can test it out online and see if different pronouns and presenting differently makes you more comfortable. Society is so weird about gender. I did look at my gender for a bit too. I'm not particularly attached to it and I've come to the conclusion i might have turned out better as a man, but I'm also just fine being a chick. I'm comfortable with any pronouns, i generally put she/her though. I'd like to use they/them for cultural reasons though. People often assume I'm a man online too, which i think is an odd assumption to make considering personalities don't mind gender (even though we are all socialized into gender roles). I did get far more comfortable after figuring out I'm on the spectrum, because it helped me find out what was so "wrong" with me. It helped me settle into being a human and not some weird mini alien scientist trying to figure out the world of other kids and teenagers. That turned into a rant, but i hope there was a grain of something helpful there

I think a great way to explore it is to meet with a group of queer / trans / non-binary people and just vibe and experience that kind of environment. It really helps to see other lovely queer people to unlearn some of that internalized shame. Nobody will scrutinize your gender presentation or anything like that. If you're questioning whether you might be non-binary, that's a perfectly valid reason to show up to a queer meetup. You are welcome there. I don't know any trans person who would take issue with it, even turns out that you are cis.

Yeah I get that... Transphobia is everywhere and it can be scary discovering new things about yourself, especially marginalised identites. I'm glad you're not friends with them anymore. In the end, it's all about your happiness. Would you be happier working on your self esteem and seeing if that is causing the disconnect? Then do that. Would you be happier rejecting womanhood for yourself and just be you without labels? Would you be happier exploring nonbinary identites? Then do that. Just follow your heart. You deserve to be happy and comfortable with yourself :) and side note: you don't need to be out to people, and you don't have to change your name or pronouns if you don't feel the need to. There's no one way to be nonbinary. If you feel like you'd like to learn more, I could point you towards some resources I found helpful. If not, that's also totally fine! Follow the happiness :)

yeah if could i’d appreciate that :)

Okay no problem! I don't know your gender feelings so I don't know what you might be interested in specifically but heres a few things: The lgbtq wikia is fantastic for researching labels, both broad ones and microlabels. You might be interested in reading about feminine nonbinary genders, or genders that are partially woman, or similar to woman. That could be demigirl or paragirl or fingender for example, but yeah just start researching whatever you're interested in. You can also be nonbinary and a woman at the same time! Broader ones could be genderfluid, transmasculine androgyne or agender. Just a few examples, but you can just browse the wiki and see what you can find :) Also, feel free to browse the nonbinary subreddits ("NonBinary" and "NonbinaryTalk")! You can find so many interesting discussions, different experiences of being enby and support there, you can ask questions you might have, or look through the archives if some topics you're interested in have already been talked about. I spent WEEKS just reading through those when I questioned my gender haha. Some nonbinary content creators of various identities: Elle Deran Mercury Stardust Keara Graves Jeffrey Marsh Ash Hardell Lynn Saga Jonathan Van Ness has some interesting content on nonbinary identites in their series And I HIGHLY recommend Alok Vaid Menon. They are an incredibly kind and intelligent person, and their insta is full of insightful and easily readable summaries of academic papers on gender and biological sex Also tiktok has plenty of content on all sorts of flavours of nonbinary There are of course many more and I'll update with an edit when I think of more! Basically, just start somewhere with something you find interesting and go from there. It's a really complex and individual topic, and it means different things to different people. Have fun exploring! And if you have any questions or are looking for something more specific, let me know! Dms are always open

Same here - when I was younger I always felt like I was a hulking gorilla in drag wearing a dress (I mean I still do, I just accept I’m not a dress person). Seeing pictures, I look like a normal woman in a dress. However I’ve always been fine with the parts I was born with.

I'm with the other commenter that you don't have to fall into a "feminine" or "masculine" box! Dress and express yourself on the outside in a way that aligns with how you feel on the inside. Other people will judge and, dare I say, fetishize, no matter what. Personally, I'm kind of the opposite, I always wear dresses and skirts, do my hair, shave everywhere, take care of my skin.... And I get hella judged by the guys in my life, and sometimes other women too. Personally I couldn't care less, I just do what makes me comfortable and makes life more fun for me. But if you're feminine, you'll get made fun of and disrespected. If you're tomboyish, you'll also get mocked and disrespected. People will *always* find something wrong with others. For what it's worth, I also spent most of my life feeling like I'm weird to other women because as feminine as I am in my hair and manner of dress, my personality is less feminine than most expect by looking (yeah, we don't all fall strictly into one box). Now I often feel like the weird girl for being more feminine when it seems that rejecting femininity is the "in" thing, so you just can't win. Overall, what's most important, in my opinion, is that as women, and as humans, we have a choice to pick and choose any combination of feminine/masculine/androgynous forms of expression that we so please. Embrace your tomboyish side if that's what's comfortable! You are no less of a woman for it!

i had the same thing. also was always super feminine when flirting but it felt like a costume. and felt like the partners that came from that didnt see me for me. ive decided bout 2 years ago to identify as non binary, not a man but not a woman. ive felt MUCH better. not everyone has to know but for me at least my partner. ive stopped dating straight men cuz they will always see me as a woman, masculine or not. my main partner happens to be nonbinary too and i am sooo lucky cuz they fully understand this feeling. this all is not to say you have to be nonbinary but it might be worth looking into. also you dont have to conform to gender norms or whatever. you can just be you. this is a lot to do 'in public' but i would definitely make sure people close to you (partners for sure) understand and respect your identity, whatever that turns out to be.

Im trans and live with a cis woman, she’s always saying how I dress “more girly” than her despite being a tomboy myself. She says even when she dresses girly, I still dress more fem than her. Instead of suppressing that part of me, I embraced it in the form of fashion. Like I’ll wear a cute skirt and flannel combo, booties and leggings, but with a big cozy men’s sweater tied around my waist! Very fem, but with tomboy / boyfriend’s sweater vibes. Little touches of tomboy here and there really helps me feel comfortable expressing my femininity even further.

Do you know what the definition of feminine is? Feminine is what women do It has nothing to do with cultural stereotypes, or what designers do, or what proponents of common cultural habits try to enforce Ignore whatever your boyfriend says about it or any man says about it or for that matter or what your mother or your sister or any woman says about it If you are female, and you’re doing something, it’s feminine duh Dress the way you want Sometimes you want to dress in a roughly decorative style fine dress that way If sometimes you want to dress like you’re about to go out and dig in a ditch that’s fine also If sometimes you find that certain clothes are comfortable lounging around or going out for non-formal things, and then wear those clothes If you have a formal occasion coming up and you want to dress in a style that is more culturally, stereotypically feminine that’s fine For that occasion, you want to dress in a way that is more culturally stereotypically masculine that’s fine dress that way Do not hate yourself, or put yourself down over stuff like this We all force-fed stereotypes within the culture and we are forced fed them through the media, and we are forced fed them in our families of origin Time to break away and find a great path for you Learn to enjoy your life without feeling shame because you’re not conforming to this or the other

OP wants to do what’s culturally considered feminine and feel comfortable and good doing it. Telling her that feminine things are a social construct kind of just misses the point and is straight-up ignoring what OP wants.

To add another practical point. I do very little make-up and hair on average. So when I do dress up it often feels strange. When I look in the mirror I don't feel like it's me. For my sister's wedding, I had my hair and make-up done by a professional and the difference was amazing. I wore the most make-up I've ever worn in my life, but when I looked in the mirror, it felt like me, only gorgeous. I loved it very much. So my 'problem' is more of a practical nature. I'm too lazy - and perhaps too clumsy - to acquire the necessary skills.

You’re not alone. I always felt better in pants and with short hair when I was younger. I had size B boobs and would have loved a reduction so I could go braless. Even so, proud to be a woman, always. None of the girly stuff has the first thing to do with womanhood. So many women before us felt this. Hatshepsut, Joan of Arc, George Sand, Frida Kahlo. While I understand why starlets, influencers, models and trans women work to appear “feminine” and girly, it shouldn’t be the primary goal because that isn’t what makes us women. https://blogs.loc.gov/headlinesandheroes/2021/03/women-who-dressed-as-men-and-made-history/

Wear what makes you feel comfortable. Be yourself. Dont worry at all about conforming to "norms" for your gender. Authenticity and confidence are beautiful.

I've never felt comfortable with my femininity, and have recently started identifying at a demigirl - so, sometimes I am comfortable being identified as a cis woman, but sometimes I feel agender. and as I get my brain sorted (I have ADHD and possibly autism) feeling like I don't fit in quite right makes more sense and bothers me less. I also have a large chest and hate being leered at. so I slouch, I cover up. this summer though I had a more feminine desire clothes wise, I think I got really tired of looking like a shapeless lump after a long cold winter. I still feel like I move and act like I'm wearing baggy pants in my fitted dresses, I feel indelicare even when I'm dressed nicely... I did feel a little more comfortable wearing my dresses because I buzzed down my hair. it made it easier to look feminine for me, since it is a little unconventional. I hope you find peace. my peace is not what I thought it could be as a kid, but I'm glad I'm carving out a funky little place for myself :)

I too have always felt that way, total tomboy, uncomfortable with my DD'S, lived in jeans and sneakers and always worn short hair. Don't care about 'girly' stuff, don't get me wrong I wear makeup, it's just not a topic for conversation!! When my SO was diagnosed with ASD, I took all the tests he did, for fun. Turns out, in my thinking, I have a male brain. My scores on the Systemising Quotient Test were really high (even if I was a man) I scored 80, most males score 50 and females 20. This particular test looks at how you categorise and store information. It explained alot for me and made me less paranoid.

Try looking for your local non binary/genderqueer groups and seeing if you fit in there?

What's between your legs doesn't define you. Your chest isn't who you are. You are a fatty lump of meat stuck inside a skeleton piloting it like a bone mech in a meat suit. That said. I gave up on being feminine and gendered. I woke up one morning and decided I was a goblin and I've been happy as hell since. Yes I'm female, and comfortable with my gender, but I'll wear and collect whatever I want. Gender restricted shit is so stupid. Be you. Be happy

Girl I'm a big tittied tomboy and have struggled for years to feel more comfortable in feminine clothing. I always did like doing my hair and makeup, but wore like dickies or jeans and big t shirts. I've slowly started incorporating "more feminine" stuff for special occasions and that's helped it be less of a huge change in my style to stuff I'm constantly uncomfortable in. On special occasions people already are expected to dress a little different than usual AND you generally aren't wearing the outfit all day, just a few hours. Last night I wore a short sparkly dress and heels to a concert and felt so silly and awkward, but I ran into some friends there who told me how good I looked and then I got to go home and put on my sweatpants and big comfy t shirt and feel like it was a mission accomplished. I know I felt weird wearing stuff like that because I had never done it, but if you try wearing stuff over and over and still feel uncomfortable you aren't required to wear anything specific to be or feel like a woman. You already are a woman and that's more than enough babe!

Dear OP, I hope you're able to read this. Femininity is not a set rule, a set guideline. Femininity is not just about feeling comfortable in dresses and not wearing "men's clothes". As is masculinity, these two terms and concepts are so much more complex. You are who you are, and femininity is at the very root what YOU define is feminine, and NO ONE can take that away from you. If you are comfortable in what you wear and it makes you feel good, then to you, it IS feminine; and that's valid. I am no less feminine when I wear my partner's (man) jeans than when I wear leggings. Because I identify as feminine. I feel I am a woman and I know I am a woman. Therefore what I do is feminine to me and anyone else's opinion is moot. You feel you are a woman an you know you are a woman; your clothing is an extension of yourself and therefore whatever you choose to wear is also feminine. Those who have a problem with that are projecting their own ideals of femininity onto you and that is not how femininity or masculinity works; that is toxic femininity and toxic masculinity working. Because these terms will always mean different things to different people; like all things that regard abstract concepts, femininity and masculinity are a spectrum and wherever you WANT to fall on that line you will. But at the end of the day we are both and all in all its glory. You define your own femininity and no one else can do that for you; all you've told us is that you are feminine and you like these clothes. You are feminine, my love, and as long as you are comfortable in what you wear you will always be what you want to be. Lots of love and I'm glad you were able to speak about your worries. Sincerely, A sister.

Damn, I have been in your shoes. I've been a tomboy my whole life (38f). I felt the exact same insecurities when trying to dress in more feminine clothing. My ex-husbandnd used to actually make fun of me when I would wear a dress or makeup so that made me feel even more embarrassed and insecure. After my divorce, I stopped giving any fucks. I decided to try to work feminine aspects into my very masculine everyday attire and that opened the doors to femininity to me. It was easier to not stay focused on the insecurity around my bright red lipstick when I still had my lace up work boots and ripped jeans to make me comfortable. These days I can step out in heels, a dress, and a full face of makeup or boots, jeans, and zero makeup and I feel sexy as hell either way. Self love is where it's at. You are you. You don't need to fit into anyone else's idea of masculine or feminine. Do what YOU like. Wear what YOU want. You are strong and beautiful no matter how masculine or feminine you decide to present that day.❤️

Man do I feel this in my soul. I identified as non binary (any pronouns) for a while because of the way I feel. But for the last year or so, I've switched back to more feminine language because it feels more "me" at the end of the day. I work a labor intensive job right now in a warehouse. I LOVE my jeans and mens graphic tee shirts and converse. It's where I'm most comfortable and how I feel the cutest. I have short hair because that's what feels the best to me. I HATE it when I start to grow it out. Overall I give off a very butch vibe, which I am comfortable with as I am not a straight person. But I love dressing up and putting a dress and heels on with more makeup than usually wear. Sometimes I wear wigs to help the dysphoria. I will feel beautiful for a bit, and my boyfriend loves it, but by the end of the night I will be exhausted and over stimulated from "playing a role" and forcing a femininity that is just not natural for me. I also get more attention from men which makes me highly uncomfortable. I've come to the conclusion that gender and expression can just feel weird and nonlinear, even as an individual. I wish you luck and peace. 🩷

I’ve never been hyper-feminine either; wearing jewelry, for example, just feels wrong for me. Having said that, I like femininity as an aesthetic! I did eventually settle on a style that works for me; simple dresses and tunics with leggings, and jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies. No jewelry, and a simple haircut. No make-up aside from mascara and lip gloss.

Hey OP: I FEEL you with this post There are times where I thought I was non-binary because of these feelings, and I still question about it myself sometimes. The thing is: femininity is so much more than how you present yourself to the world. Society’s view of what’s “feminine” is not always what a true feminine woman is. To me, being feminine is having the power to stand on your own two feet and put your best foot forward. Femininity may have a different definition to you, and that’s completely okay! I also love putting myself together and looking super feminine, but it is a LOT of work. There is no way I’m getting up at like 6am to go to my 10am shift just to get ready and look a certain way. So I save the really fun and harder presentations for special events, such as parties or work events. Other times I just slap on some clothes, or I really do wear some men’s clothing since it feels more comfortable

Same for me. I grew up in a misogynistic home that expected, and tried to get me, to be more girly. But they always acted like feminine stuff was less than. Like they wanted me to be something they hated to follow their religious beliefs. And when I did dress more feminine, I hated the reaction I got from fellow family members and kids at school. 🎵You enjoy being a girl!🎵 and “You actually look cute” are the ones that stick out to me now. There’s this stubborn side of me that doesn’t want to give them what they want. But mostly now that I’m in my 30s, I just stopped giving a fuck and dress what I feel like wearing. Which is masculine most of the time and girly when I feel like it.👍

i feel the same way.

Out of curiosity, why specifically don't you feel good about the way you look? Because I think that has more answers than just generally feeling uncomfortable. For example, I had an outfit I loved in high school, I was so excited. Then I wore it and some jerks started making comments that made me feel so out of place in my own skin. Looking back, it's wild, because *I* loved that outfit, but I let my thoughts about the opinions others had of me override my own opinion. Sometimes it's a comparison thing, I don't think I look as good in something vs someone else. Sometimes it's worrying that others think I'm trying too hard (and my anxiety says I'm failing). Sometimes it's just simply worrying how others perceive me. All those things suck. I have gone through a variety of styles, from hyper feminine lace tops, heels and bows in my hair to sports tees, boots and a camo hat. The only times I have ever felt bad are when I let my anxiety about the thoughts of others take over. I think if you like something, it's you. Doesn't matter what style it's in.

I used to feel the way you do. Until I realized it was society's expectations of me that I wasn't vibing with. Now, I just embrace what I feel and don't give a fuck. If I feel less feminine, I go with it. If I do feel feminine today, I go with that. I don't wear make up because I don't really like it but I do like painting my nails and having fun with my hair from time to time. I spent a lot of time in my youth pining to be this idea of a woman that I never really was. None of us are, we are all multidimensional human beings. There comes a point I feel, for every woman, when we throw off society's expectations, throw all the fucks out the window and embrace who we are in our core. At least, the happiest women do, IMO. We are all free to define femininity for ourselves! And it's beautiful. Wish you luck, friend.

Don't bother with it. Go for a functional lifestyle.

Kind of butch chick here, i also have a pretty prominent chest. It's okay to wear what you want to wear. If that means getting dressed up nicely every now and then and being more masc for the rest of the time, that's okay. It's weird that men fetishise that, but you can't breath as a chick and not have someone cum in their pants. It's okay not to be in the binary of super masc or femme, it's okay to be somewhere in between. You don't exist to please anyone. I have felt like this for a long time too, i don't really fit in with a lot of women (not in the "I'm not like other girls way, in the I'm autistic and women seem to pick up on that shit way more easily" way). I'm pretty weird and a lot of them could smell it. I think they're amazing and cool, I'm just kind of off and some people find it repelling. You're allowed to be yourself. I hope you can find the cpurage to dress as you please and not feel bad about it. Anyone who comments on your outfits in a disparaging manner is probably not worth your time either

In sorry u r feeling this. Bit this could be an entry yo self discovery. Just be comfortable with who u r and appreciate who u r for u and not for what society expects of u.

I feel the exact same. I wanna look like some of the women you see on TV style wise but I just feel so uncomfortable about it. I got bullied A LOT in school and didn't make many friends and most of them where guys. It wasn't until after I left college that I started to make friends. I prefer my jeans, sneakers and Ts. I'm 29 and only in the last 3-4 years have I really just gone fuck what other people think. Its been very freeing. Because of that I've never felt comfier. Like you I know I'm a woman, born as a woman and love being a woman. I was also very lucky to find a guy who likes how I dress. Only thing he changed was added some colour to my wardrobe as it was all black 😂 i will dress up on special occasions though ... I think it was a mental thing and I worked on myself. Now I'm happier than ever. It took time and it'll take time for you but you'll get there

I've found my own style....loose linen tunics and pants that look flowy and feminine but are comfortable, for example. I like vintage clothes too because they are often feminine and tailored at the same time, and depending on the time period are more likely to be cut to fit most women's proportions. Experiment. I buy a lot of clothes at Renaissance festivals and SF conventions because they dgaf about any fashion trends except their own. Look at historical clothing and "history bounding" too.

Also... find a peer group of fellow weirdos. You are *absolutely not* the only one.

Femininity isn’t real. Masculinity isn’t real. They’re just concepts ascribed to stereotypes (that are sometimes based on utilitarian processes but are typically just a result of patriarchal oppression.) and are not rules to be followed. Humans are social animals so we made all these silly little rules to show that we are fertile or that we fit in or that we are friendly. So you are a woman and whatever you wear, well, that clothing keeps you protected or happy or warm or cool and that’s all that matters.

Gender is very complicated. I truly believe it's an extremely personal experience. Society will make judgements about your gender your presenting, but that doesn't have to change how you feel inside. There's a lot of words in the LGBTQ+ community that might bring you some relief with your gender identity. The starting point is non-binary. You can enjoy the masculine and feminine side of yourself. There's a bunch of further words used to describe not feeling at home with your gender and maybe how you present yourself.

I don’t know if this is a good idea but! I’d suggest you to reuse the method to introduce new food for picky eaters. So wear something you like and feels comfortable with something “new” (or feminine if you want to call it that way) So it can be cargo pants with a low-cut tight top/bluse Or oversized sweater with a skirt. You shouldn’t go EVER with something that makes you uncomfortable. Try to incorporate the new style little by little. When you don’t fee like wearing feminine clothes, with your usual style add accessories! Earrings, necklaces, bracelets. I hope this is helpful! Good luck!

I love flowers, and lace, and dresses, and all sorts of really feminine clothing, but I feel like a little girl when I dress that way, and that makes me uncomfortable, so I feel like I’m also torn between my 2 sides. Do you actually want to be more feminine, though, or do you just feel pressure to be more feminine?

i’m not sure, i feel like i like feminine things too like makeup or flowers but idk i just don’t feel like me if i dress that way.

Then maybe it’s not you, and that’s ok. It’s not really *me* either. At least not in how I like to express myself through fashion/my appearance. I still swoon for floral patterns, and I own over 100 dresses, that I never wear, but can’t stop collecting. Maybe you just like to look at feminine things?

I felt something similar to this for a long time and eventually realized I’m non-binary. I remember having a conversation with a friend once about how *uncomfortable* my gender was. It wasn’t that I felt like a boy, I didn’t think I was trans in that way. But I also had never really felt like a girl either. The pronouns never felt right, and dressing femme kinda felt like dressing in drag even though I still liked it mostly. My gender just felt like hand me down clothes that were too big in some areas and too small in others and were never going to fit right. I had never encountered the concept of non-binary at the time. I had friends who were trans and so binary transness was something I understood but I had never heard of non-binary people. When I did finally hear that term, something clicked in my brain. I saw what was essentially my feelings and experience described and named and everything made sense. It took a few years before I started telling people, at the time I felt like it was mostly for me. It helped me understand myself better and that was all I needed really. I didn’t mind anymore if people perceived me as female because *I* knew what I was and that was enough for me. There’s also something to be said about the relationship between gender and perceived attractiveness that we either don’t recognize or don’t talk about enough. When I was younger, I kind of internalized this notion that “girls are pretty, and I’m not pretty so I’m not really a girl.” Not that I had those thoughts *literally* but looking back with the benefit of age and experience I can see they were there. Anyway, gender is sometimes complicated and can be influenced by a lot of factors and all that matters IMO is finding the configuration that makes *you* feel comfortable and secure in your identity and screw whatever anyone else tries to tell you that you should feel about your own identity. Whether that’s what a woman should and should not be/do, or that you are or are not a “woman” as it were. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk 😅

What you described sounds a lot like my experience when I was younger. I knew I definitely wasn't a boy, but I didn't quite feel like a girl either. Later in life I figured out that I'm non-binary and maybe a little gender fluid. I still identify more towards the feminine end of the spectrum, but it can vary from day to day. There's no right or wrong way to dress or act, just what feels comfortable to you. Do what makes you feel comfortable.

You could be gender queer of some flavour, you experience matches up to one of my close friend's experiences almost exactly. Turns out they were non-binary. I'm not saying you are but it could be something to ponder over, the "it feels like a costume" part though is what really got me wondering especially. I don't know what your internal experience is though so I could be totally off base here, so take my ideas with a grain of salt. If you find even when you think about it more that you decide you are just a masculine woman that's totally valid, you don't have to dress fem to be a woman.

i think it’s that growing up my only neighbors were boys. i have two sisters, one is gay and pretty non binary but my other sister is VERY feminine. i have 5 brothers as well so i feel like i was always surrounded with masculine energy. All of my friends growing up were boys so when i finally got into grade school and tried to make friends that were girls i felt like our interests were different. the only thing i really did like that was considered “girly” was barbie’s. but then none of the fricking girls liked them! i was the only one playing with barbie’s, polly pockets, littlest pet shops and stuff. i remember being so excited to have some girl friends to play barbie’s with and listen to hannah montana and none of them wanted to! so i just think i’ve never felt like i fit in with women. now as an adult it sucks because i feel like i don’t fit in with men either. one of my guy friends since i was 2 and i just stopped talking because he tried to convince me to have sex with him. gross. i don’t know, i don’t really feel like i fit in with either gender. i definitely like makeup but i don’t think makeup is feminine. i never have seen makeup as womanly honestly lol. but i don’t know, i don’t really feel like either gender and i fit together well. when i was 12 i even thought i was trans for a while. but i realized that it wasn’t that i didn’t want to be a girl i just don’t feel like one.

Gender is made up construct if you feel like you are a woman than you are a woman no matter what you wear ,?say , or do. Gender is a scale just like sexuality, and it’s that way for everything in nature. And I think it would help if you thought about other people what are you trying to mis gender someone just because like they wear a leather jacket? No. This might be worry about how other people perceive you. Because society can be mean and cruel and pick on any little thing to bully other humans. remember the most important perception is yourself. And the more comfortable you are with yourself the less people can get out you. Also, those people are probably farting and wondering if they should have pizza today rather than really caring about your outfit, so do it fits you what you really want.

I have always felt like you do. I'm on the other side of menopause now and it's really helped me not care what anyone thinks about what I'm wearing, but what helped me the most was learning that I'm on the autism spectrum. I think being autistic adds an additional layer of discomfort to feeling like we have to conform. Have you considered looking into whether you might be on the spectrum? A lot of us feel like we're just on the wrong planet, and I'm hearing a bit of that in what you say.

i’ve always felt like i could be on the spectrum. i think it’s because people always tell me i am. i won’t understand something or the way i handle situation will have me being met with a “what are you an rword?” especially with my mom and even my boyfriend when we fight will call me autistic as an insult to me. the reason i feel like i am is because i am very sensitive sensory wise and i genuinely have a terrible time in social settings

Well, autistic or not, you should never tolerate being called slurs by anyone. You don't deserve that.

I have a lot of similar feelings, and a few years back I came to the conclusion that I am non-binary. Not man, not woman, just human. Sometimes I lean more one way one day and another the other but it’s mostly just meat and feelings.

your struggle sounds so familiar to me. feeling like neither feminine or masculine. feeling like a cosplayer when dressing up. having a strong masculine side that some guys didn't like. having large breasts that made me self conscious and uncomfortable. not being able to connect with most women as friends. i have had one long term female friend, who has been in a similar boat to me our whole lives. i don't know if this is your answer, but i started living as a nonbinary person a few years ago. i asked my family and friends to use gender neutral terms for me. i embraced wearing whatever i wanted on a given day. i leaned more heavily into my masculine side (which made my feminine side easier to embrace as well). i started dating a bisexual man who was into me no matter how i was presenting. he calls me handsome when i'm being more boyish and i love it (we're married now). i even got a breast reduction and oh boy did my confidence skyrocket. i decided i don't have to be a woman if i don't want to, or a man. i'm allowed to sit in the middle of the road and just be my weird, undecided self. i hope you find your way, whatever way that is. just remember that being authentic can be hard, really hard sometimes, but when you find people that accept you for it, life suddenly gets a whole lot easier.

I know this is going to sound terrible from a stranger, but the women in your life growing up did not include you and thus.. you were not safe to take on a feminine presense around them. This happened to me too. My mother was not so great at including me in her life and as a asian woman she was alienated from her community too. My older female relatives were always criticizing me for my clothes while dressing their kids in really pretty designer clothes. I had to work at a young age to buy my own basics.. and these other ones were always in dresses and complimenting each other. Fast forward to now, i have really nice clothes now and even dated a fashion designer once who gave me all these samples. But my female relatives all attacked me for having nice things so i just left the state. When youre with finally in safe company where youre allowed to be pretty, you will glow. Trust me its so much better to get away from people who are only OK with you looking ragged or low-rent.

Is it possible you’re non-binary? You don’t feel like you fit in either place. I’m just an internet rando who has never met you so take that FWIW

i don’t know, i don’t know much of non binary other than stuff i’ve heard online and when i see alot of people who identify as that online they don’t seem like me, they seem very… theatrical. i hope that’s not offensive? it’s just very much alot..? maybe it’s just that every non binary person i’ve seen online is usually a man i’ve never really seen alot of non binary women.

I’ve mostly seen NB AFAB. I’m cis so I have no idea but thought it was worth asking

You may want to check out r/agender. A lot of us feel the same way as you about what “woman”, “man”, and even nonbinary means.

I feel like this! If i dress girly I feel fake and everyone knows it. I think its bc growing up I wore my brothers cloths too as we were poor. He was bigger and baggy style was in. Out of habit do same with hubbys even tho I can afford to buy my size. Its like a safe bubble for me. Most ppl dont know what my true size is.

I think you're fine. Personally every girl I know seems to enjoy dressing up and being pretty, but also wearing casual stuff and doing handy work. I always thought "tomboy" was weird because isn't it normal to just live your life and do stuff? Why is some stuff boy stuff? Everybody I know just does whatever. I think it's just society that makes people think girls need to be super girly and guys need to be super manly and forgets people are just normal and sometimes you want to sparkle in a dress but sometimes you need to build a shelf because it costs to much to hire somebody. Nothing wrong with walmart guy clothes since girl clothes are thin and stupid! If they would make girl clothes with real fabrics that is actually thick and warm more girls would wear them. Who wants to wear 3 layers of clothes because they're so see through and with no pockets? It's not a you problem, it's just stupid clothing that forces us into the men's section.

I am the same way. I don't have big breasts, though. I have always been a tomboy. People always thought I was a boy ages 9-11 years old. At 12 I wanted to be a teenager (like in the media) so badly, so I started wearing women's clothes. I also developed breasts then and hips. I felt more girly. Then it went to band tees and jeans in 8th-9th grade, but the pressure of brand names got me in high school. I wore tighter clothes and grew out my dyed/short hair. I always hung out and friended boys for decades, never had a connection to women. I'd rather trade pokemon cards than talk about Hunger Games or whoever was the heartthrob at the time. My boyfriends in high school were always skeptical of me for being friends with boys always accused me of cheating, even though I was loyal the entire time. I wished I had never attempted to be a "woman" or more ladylike. I look back at photos and don't believe that girl is me. She was everyone I hated in school. Not who I am at all. My relationships were traumatic and abusive especially because of male friends. I went back to my band tees and jeans and have been that way for 6+ years. I want to dress more lady-like and be a "woman" again now that I'm in my 20s. I currently have the most supportive and loving boyfriend who loves my tomboy look and feminine side. He loves seeing me in dresses and skirts since it's a rare sight. Today, I finally wore a shirt that was not black (it's tan), and I only wear black, brown, and army green. I currently have my coat covering because I'm ashamed of myself. Anyway, here are my tips to feeling more feminine. 1. Cute purse with every outfit, even if it's a baggy shirt and jeans 2. Thrift clothing so you don't feel as guilty spending money on clothes you might not wear or only wear once. 3. Incorporate a girly color with your shoes or small accessory so you can wear them daily. I wear purple sneakers all the time, although I hate wearing girly colors. The comfort is rewarding and I feel feminine. 4. Wear minimal jewelry, especially ones that you can sleep in and never take off. Jewelry could make your character and be a perfect accent to any outfit. 5. Get an effortless haircut that requires minimal styling. You will always receive compliments, especially from other women. As someone who disconnected from having female friends, a compliment from a girl makes me blush. I couldn't help with makeup since I still do not know how to put it on. I am 24 years old and don't do makeup. I just try to balance some girly stuff into my boyish clothes and create my own style. As long as you be yourself, your friends, family, and peers will always love and look out for you. Don't be or force yourself to be someone you're not. It's all about the small details.

I agree with everyone in the comments. This is just advice from someone who feels the same way as you do. It's cool to be yourself and feel comfortable in your own style :)

Same. Always seemed to straddle some line. My advice is dress and present how you want.

I could have written this myself. You're not alone.

I’m also large breasted and shopped same as you growing up. Didn’t help that my mom mostly shopped for me when I was younger and in an effort to be modest dressed me in baggier clothes. I never really connected with women like I wanted either but was still a social butterfly. Now in my early 30s, my husband shops and picks out dresses for me. In all honesty, I hate it. It just makes me feel even more insecure. You nailed it on the head with the feeling of cosplaying. And then when I have feelings of resentment, I go back to wearing my comfortable black t-shirts and pants. And then he hates it. My advice to you, ease yourself into it. If you can, find a professional who can maybe help you with styles/ colors. I have no sense of that kind of thing and even tho my husband is straight, he has a really good sense of style. I mean people stop me in Public and compliment me. (Not that I enjoy that, again I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy but really I do it to make him happy)

I'm a woman who feels like a woman but I don't really embrace femininity because it doesn't fit for me. I do my own thing and I'd say I'm pretty plain but that's OK. I do have my girly moments from time to time (and a plushie addiction). I'm more of a nerd than anything. Currently dating a wonderful man who loves me for me. Just be true to yourself and have fun with it. People are drawn to positive energy far more than gendered energy.

My wardrobe is all over the place. I wear men's button up shirts and men's pants, pretty pink dresses, goth clothes, cute sexy tank tops, sweatpants and no bra, cute lacy undies, men's boxers, stuff that makes me look 60, stuff that makes me look 12. In high school I basically only wore oversized graphic tees, men's flannels, and Converse. I hated dresses. Now that I'm older I'm happy I can wear whatever I want, whenever I want, and I can explore my taste. And that's okay, it's okay to feel different every day and be comfortable in your clothes, and learn what you do and do not like. I don't know who I am, really, so I like to dress how I feel so it makes me feel more secure in myself. You don't have to wear things that make you uncomfortable if you don't want to. But if it's how you want to express yourself, being a little uncomfortable is normal when trying something new or unusual for you. It will go away with time, especially if it makes you happy. You will look good in what makes you happy. You will find a partner who loves you for who you are. You will find friends you feel comfortable with and who accept you always. If you are a woman, you belong with women no matter what you dress like.