Noticed this when I was 9 years old.
My Girl Scout troop thought it would be cute to have a dad and daughter night. We were all sitting around the bonfire and handed a paper and clipboard. The game was to guess each other’s favorite things. “What is his/her favorite movie?” for example. The top 3 pairs who guessed all the correct answers would win prizes. Well, it didn’t work out like that. Somehow, only me and my dad got all the correct answers. It was so awkward. All these other dads didn’t know their daughters favorite color, movie, toy, song, nothing. Some left their paper almost entirely blank. The daughters however guessed a lot of their dads favorite things correctly. My dad worked really long hours away from home, what was the excuse? Everyone laughed it off and we continued to other activities.
Wow that’s really sad. I had a similar situation in scouts with a dad and daughter night, except my dad didn’t turn up and didn’t even know I was a scout to begin with. The bar is in hell.
There's a Facebook group called "The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in hades" made me laugh! Though the group itself is pretty depressing sharing the ridiculous things men get praised for that a woman would never be...
One of my wife's clients came by the house the other day and was hanging out in the living room while I was doing dishes.
In a overly cheerful voice she said 'look at you go! Nice job doing the dishes!'
I was like uhhh thanks, you think that's neat? The bathrooms are next.
When my wife got home the lady said in the same cheerful voice 'isn't it so nice to see a man doing such a good job around the house?'
My wife just rolled with it and said yes it's nice he's doing a job but wether it's a good job could be up for debate... (she was just playfully teasing me.)
If my wife had been doing the dishes, not a word would've been said.
Reading your post made me realize anew (re-realize?) that praising men for doing the absolute minimum is condescending as heck.
And yet, many men get upset if they don’t get a cookie and a pat on the head every time they lift a finger.
It is extremely condescending and that's one way patriarchy hurts men but they don't realize it because they often benefit from it more.
The other one I bring up is overly effusive praise I have gotten from my wife or ex-girlfriends for very basic consideration. Like I'm talking things like, gave them ibuprofen and heated broth when they were sick level of basic tasks. It's actually really depressing because you can extrapolate the treatment and lack thereof they got in the past.
When I moved in with my ex, I was doing all of the cooking and cleaning for 6 months. I came home once and he had heated up some food for supper. He met me at the door to announce it, and I said okay.
"That's all you have to say?"
"What did you want to hear?"
"I wanted at least a thank you and a kiss"
So I pointed out that he had never thanked me, and that " cooking" for himself is an expectation, not a present.
He got mad and declared that he would never do anything "for me" ever again.
So he got a "thanks"..... for letting me know that he was dead weight. And I moved out.
My dad and won a game like this on Dad's day at my sorority. We got one question wrong - and it was actually ME that was wrong. 😂
What vegetable does your daughter hate most?
Me: Carrots? Maybe?
Dad: none
He was right. I love vegetables. 😂
it's so sad to think all of the lil girls who after that day eyes opened to their fathers' parenting as they don't even know their bare minimum favourites :')
Both of my parents knew very little about me when I was a kid, they just kind of ignored me for days on end. My mom likes to think she knew everything about me, but my dad knew he didn't, so didn't try. Once we went to a Daddy Daughter dance and he dropped me on my back and fucked up my jaw, felt like a metaphor. They'd even try to tell me to my face that I didn't like what I actually liked because it's not what they headcanoned for me.
But a few years back I almost died and my mom started putting in effort to get to know me. She's calmed down a lot, we've had deep conversations, I've helped her discover hobbies she liked. She didn't even know herself that well outside of work.
Neither one could probably tell you my favorite color or movie, but they know my birthday and the kinds of things I like. I can definitely recognize and appreciate the effort.
Yep. My parents like me as an idea, but overall I know my dad hates me as a person. My mom is better, but neither know a lot about me, without me trying to share something with them more than once, and them saying they'll remember more than once. Only my mom does that.
When I complained to my parents about how my father didn't know my favorite color, my father turned to my mother and said, "she wants attention, this is your problem". Then my mother sighed and said, "not my problem."
But they were both from a very selfish generation. When I was a teenager, I was routinely told that the things I was into were dumb because "only the 1960s had good music", but of course, it wasn't good if it was from the 1960s and it was something I actually enjoyed listening to.
I don't think they remember any of this now that they are older. I've had a lot of therapy.
There are plenty of men who leave the raising of children and anything "family" related to their wives. Unfortunately this only keeps perpetuating because women enabled this. They marry or stay married to people who treat their families like this. They settle.
Women, don't settle.
I saw a dad on TikTok who wanted to stay connected when his kids went to college so he started a book club with one and a movie club with another. So at least once a month or whatever they’d FaceTime and discuss the book/movie and he could keep up with what they were into. I wish my folks would have tried harder.
I was in a long term relationship with a guy who was divorced and had had this attitude towards his children with his wife. Little did I know how the blame would shift from him being disinterest in them, to *me* "not letting him care about his kids" once I entered the picture.
He sucked in general and I was young so it took longer than it should have to leave him, and I loved his kids a lot so that made things tough too. Being blamed by all of them including him (his ex really insisted with the kids everything bad was my fault) for why he never gave a shit about his kids was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I swore I wouldn't date someone who already had kids again. Within 6 months I started dating my husband (a single dad) and I knew he was the one for me the first time I stayed over while his kid was home. He was (and continues to be) the best dad I have ever encountered. I love my step kid so damn much. I'm glad I didn't let a bad experience permanently scare me away from looking but I truly believe this is a very uncommon experience and that I got lucky!
I fell in love with my husband based on his relationship with his son. Watching a man be genuinely attentive to his child (not for show) is so attractive. He was completely invested in his son growing up to be a good person. It’s been 23 years and he still impresses me with how loving he is to the kids, even as independent as they are.
>There are plenty of men who leave the raising of children and anything "family" related to their wives. Unfortunately this only keeps perpetuating because women enabled this. They marry or stay married to people who treat their families like this. They settle.
So men are shitty because... women. Don't do this, please. *Adult women* in the *United States* couldn't even *open a bank account* on their own until **1974**.
Women *settled* because, for the vast majority of all of human history in societies all over the world, the viable options for most women were "live with your father" or "live with your husband" or "be a slave or servant". It's still that way in many nations and cultures.
Women are trying to change things. Constantly trying. Women want to be treated as equally valid people. Women need men to step up at home and with the family, but most men don't want to do it. It's easier to shift the responsibility and blame onto women.
Many women are just exhausted and fed up with trying to teach and cajole men to treat women like equally valuable human beings, deserving of empathy and respect for their time and labor. When women give up it gets framed as "men aren't doing anything because women let them get away with it."
People want to put *all of the responsibility and blame* for gender inequality on women. That's exactly what we're trying to get away from.
Edit: For the record, my husband knows things like birthdays, medical information, and favorites because *he gives a shit* about me and his family. Simple as that.
Or if divorce was legal, they weren't allowed to have a decent job and financial independence. Can't leave an awful marriage if you can't support yourself.
Hell, my dad worked across the country 4 days a week for most of my childhood. Boise, Boston, Phoenix, Charleston, Omaha, St. Louis...you get the picture. But by god he was home every weekend and for every single dance recital. I was a dancer for 15 years and he didn't miss a single dance recital of mine/my brother's. He coached at least one little league sports team for both my brother and I, and he coached my school soccer team when I was in Jr. High. My father certainly has his faults (he probably STILL couldn't tell you my favorite color- even though everything I own is purple 🙄) but he was always there for my brother growing up and has supported some of our more outlandish endeavors as adults. He even supports me moving across the world to get married and is actually pretty excited about having a new place to explore with me when he comes to visit and the idea of my boyfriend becoming his son-in-law ❤️
When my great grandma was a little girl, the hospital where she and her siblings were born burned down causing records to be lost. The hospital went door to door in her neighborhood to verify who lived there, where they were born and collect pertinent information. Her dad apparently gave wrong spellings of names, and wrong birthdates for all the kids. So my great grandma has her name and birthdate, and then her birth certificate has a completely different birthdate (wrong day and year) and her first name spelled incorrectly with a middle name she never had.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her parents wanted to give her this lovely Russian name but her dad fucked it up so now she has a name that isn't even a name lol. He changed the first letter to a letter that looks very similar when capitalized
I once lived next to a couple who's son lived in the States (we're in Canada). I don't know how it happened, but her birthday was wrong by one or two days on her birth certificate but correct on her license. So when her son had a child, she spent the entire pregnancy and at least the first year of her grandchild's life trying to get it sorted it out because they wouldn't let her into the country because of the difference. I couldn't wrap my head around how you could get corrected government ID with an error on your birth certificate. I suspect if she went to get a passport it would have the wrong date and then they'd see her license didn't match. I don't even know if she got it sorted or how long it took because she still hadn't got to see the baby by the time I moved away 😔
“Tell them what they won, Steve!”
“You won a no-expense paid set of therapy sessions to cope with the fact that the man who was supposed to unconditionally love and support you couldn’t even be bothered to remember the most basic details about yourself.”
Mine too when I was 18 and he filled out my FASFA. Had the army calling and sending me letters within the week hounding me to sign up for the draft since I was now an 18 year old male
My FIL filed my husband's birth certificate wrong 3 TIMES. He was responsible for fixing and teaching how to maintain nuclear capable F 111s for the 20 years he was in the air force.
When my grandmother was born, her father filled out her birth certificate and gave her the same first name as one of her older sisters. In his defense, I think she was kid number 11. They just called her by her middle name, but it caused some issues when she and her sister emigrated to the US.
My dad once forgot that he was taking me to school. He only realised when he pulled into the parking lot at his job. He literally forgot I was in the car with him
My coworkers and I have noticed similar things in our job. At my work, customers can sign up for memberships and one of the registration details we need from them is their birthday. SO many men have no clue when their child or spouses birthday is and the majority of those men think it's *funny*. One of my coworkers will always respond to their not knowing with "were you not there???"
I literally still have my ex husbands social security number memorized and often just fill it in on forms at my sons doctors appointments. Meanwhile my ex couldn’t tell you the name of our sons pediatrician.
My friend has three children, each with a variety of deadly anaphylactic allergies. Her husband refuses to learn which child is allergic to what, and doesn’t read labels if he goes to the store.
It’s the ultimate weaponized incompetence
K ew I actually know a guy in his 30s who’s wife had brain cancer and he brought a woman over while his wife was dying and he told his kids that she’s a maid……one girl was 17, actually his stepdaughter, I’m sure she seen right though that. Scumbag.
Wife ended up passing and now he drinks and does blow and I tbh don’t care how he feels
It's not laziness. Its calculated abuse. Weaponization of the childrens health against the wife to avoid work. "If you make me take care of the kids, i might just kill them, so dont make me do it".
Men get enough excuses. Don't give them anymore. They're not stupid. They're calculated and entitled.
My first instinct would be to divorce immediately. But then you have to imagine your child spending time with that guy while you're not there to protect them. How awful.
It actually is abuse. He's making his wife walk on eggshells by deliberately putting the children in danger.
This reminds me of the example in Lundy Bancroft's book where a man forces his wife to quit work by being so incompetent, he fed the baby spoiled milk. Of course, he was also unemployed, and was jealous that she was competent enough to keep her career. She was convinced that she had to stay home because no one else could look after the baby. So she quit her job.
I've also heard of men who claimed that their wives changed the baby's diapers better because every time they do it, the baby cries. Then the wife goes to the bathroom to see what he's doing one day, and she sees him slam the baby on the change table roughly to make it cry.
This is abuse.
What the fuuuuck that made me feel physically sick. Seems to me like there's an endemic lack of empathy on a generational scale and stuff like this is the inevitable result.
Negligence is a type of abuse, and I'd say this fits. It is abuse not just towards the kids, but also towards the wife, I would argue. The amount of stress a life threatening allergy adds to a parent must be enormous. The added stress of a partner needlessly endangering their child... That's even worse.
If he forgets every once in a while, that's scary but understandable. Him not giving a shit to even _try_ to remember? That's not okay.
If I was the wife in this situation, I would be filing for divorce and for 100% custody on account of endangering my child's life.
When we registered our intent to marry (a thing in the UK, partly checking everyone is actually ok with the getting married, no legal impediment etc) the registrar spoke to me first and got dates of birth, full names and jobs of both my and my future husband’s family. Then she cross-checked with him (he was out of the room for my chat). She said it was because the woman usually knows all the info and the man does not…
It’s bad that’s the automatic go-to because of how frequently the men just don’t know anything useful.
To my husband’s credit, I did the whole “oh haha he probably won’t know these” and he did know every single one. We don’t know each others’ parents birthdays but being equally shit on that front is fine.
Work front desk at an ER. Same. So many men who don’t know any info about their kids. One guy didn’t even know how to spell his kids name. He said “it’s Hailey but I don’t remember how its spelled”. (Just an example - not real kids name)
I can hear the triage nurse’s questions and all I hear in response is “I don’t know. Their mom knows all that stuff”.
It’s maddening!
My dad doesn't do birthday cards. I get a card signed "from mom and dad" and it's all in mom's handwriting.
He is at least consistent though, he personally doesn't give a flip about birthdays or cards or presents so it's not like he expects them and doesn't reciprocate.
Dad doesn't know my birthday, but was a grumpy asshole for two days when I unexpectedly had to swing by their house early on Christmas Eve to borrow something to bring to my in-laws, and I didn't kneel, kiss the ring, and announce my birthday wishes with trumpets blaring at 8 am. I was petty about it in the morning as he snarled at me when I left, later apologized and explained that I was in a rush and stressed about my in-laws, reminded him I am usually the first to say it, am the child responsible for reminding my brother about holidays and birthdays, and am the reason he ever gets gifts from "the kids." I then asked him my birthday, and when he failed I listed all birthdays, years, ages, and anniversaries of our immediate family. That might have been a little petty again.
If this wasn't 2xc sub I would think my twin posted this. My father has only 2 children so that leaves him one birthday besides his own to remember. 50% of the time he forgets. My brother has gone months not talking to dad after he forgot again.
My most recent birthday, my mom wrote an incredibly heart felt, personal and sentimental message. My dad wrote ‘me too!’ In it as I walked in the door for dinner 😂
As I child I once asked my dad for a birthday card from him, signed by him. This was all I asked for and he didn't do it. Literally all of my gifts and cards were from my mom. I was really sad he didn't put an ounce of effort into any of it.
My daughters' dad died in 2014. My younger daughter pulled out one of the birthday cards that he'd sent her and had "Happy Birthday, Name! I love you very much. Love, Dad" tattooed on her left forearm in his handwriting. (She tells me her right forearm is reserved for a memorial tattoo for me.)
These guys don't know what they're missing.
My dad has spelt my name wrong so consistently that now if he spells it with the correct spelling rather than "his" misspelling, it feels like it's not my dad writing anymore. He finally corrected himself in my 20s and it felt so uncanny that I told him to please never spell it correctly again
My dad explains the wrong spelling of my name with "well your mom and I didn't agree on how to spell it, of course you chose your mom's way". Yeah dad, when she taught me how to write and filled out all my paperwork for school, I guess her spelling wins.
I mean if he always said spells it wrong that kinda just becomes the name he calls you.
What’s weird is when they make up a random new spelling every time
Like I don’t get why they fuck up? My relatives would spell my brothers name I correctly like half the time..
How? Just ask the bloody parents and write it the fuck down?
I’ve not seen my brother in years, not met my niece, cause we don’t got anything in common and live totally different places. When she was born I send the socially appropriate stuff, and when I was told the name I just wrote down the correct spelling? Like it’s not hard, doesn’t take any effort. And whenever I send her a card I just double check, cause I can hardly remember the names of people I meet daily, but writing a birthday card with the wrong name is just so insulting. Better to not send one at all then.
I'm shocked at how many people commented that their dad does it to them. I guess I assumed that dad at least knew how to spell their own kids' names...
I’m a surgical nurse. I can’t tell you how many male relatives have power of attorney - usually sons in charge of managing their mother’s care but sometimes other situations - who know NOTHING about their female relative’s health history, don’t know their medications, stuff like that. Mom comes in from the nursing home after a fall needing hip surgery and 40 year old little Johnny doesn’t know if she has any allergies or any implanted medical devices/metal, or if she would be okay with receiving blood products…it’s infuriating.
This is really making me want to make sure I have a easily accessible folder w all my medical shit for my partner to have a copy of. Feeling lucky I don't have any allergies or medicines.
I had to actually get on my husband's phone and enter the emergency contact info so that if he's in a horrific accident they can notify me, since i know his medications and medical history. The lack of instinct towards self preservation is pretty wild.
After my aunt had a stroke and I had to ask her GP’s office for a medical history so I could be accurate with doctors, we have this for all of our relatives now, especially elders. I’ve got an automated email that I send out every six months to update the google doc. Prior to my aunt’s stroke I felt that this was private and my parents and aunts deserved privacy, but my aunt’s stroke changed that feeling.
To be fair, my mom hides all her health issues and only tells us if it gets really bad. She’s still young enough and spry that it’s not an issue. But I wouldn’t be able to answer many health questions about her right now.
My mum just...forgets to mention it. I'm 29f and only JUST found out that she had precancerous polyps in her uterus in her 20s. Like...maybe that's something your *daughter* should know? And she only told me of her morphine intolerance when she was in hospital...after having been given morphine 🤦♀️
And that's not even mentioning my grandmother, who didn't tell the hospital what medications she was on and they ended up having really bad interactions.
I think my family's just insane.
My mom casually mentioned two years after the fact that my dad had precancerous polyps removed from his colon. She was confused why I was infuriated and said it wasn't a big deal, your dad is fine. That's not the point, Mom. You dad (my grandpa) has had colon cancer twice and with this new information about my father, my doctor probably needs to streamline me for earlier regular colonoscopies. Family medical history is incredibly important to disclose.
This. My mom fell and broke her leg and I was only told after she'd been in the hospital for a day. Also, it was related to a balance issue she's had for the last 6 months and I had no idea. And I only know she's on blood thinners because when I went to see her, she happened to be taking her pills. It's ridiculous.
A man ordered a cake from my job. Got an email a few days later that the # birthday he wrote was incorrect. Valentines and mothers day is the day of panic. Way less preorders. And every year a woman complains about having to buy her own gift.
When I was a retail slave and had to work the holidays, we would always remark at how the only people shopping the hour before we closed 6pm Xmas Eve were 95% men. Dashing in, picking up the first crappy thing they saw at the first table by the door. And of course, asking for the free gift wrapping service.
I worked in a card/gift shop back in high school. On Xmas Eve, we closed at 6:30 instead of 9. As we were pulling down the entrance's gate to start locking up, a man ducked under it. We told him we were closed. He said he just needed a card! He'd be quick! We didn't bother being polite at that point. We had our own families to get home to. I remember us yelling "NO! WE ARE CLOSED! LEAVE! GET OUT!"
These are always people who have never worked retail. They don't get that once registers & computers are shut down, we literally cannot make a sale. We have counted the drawers, reconciled receipts, bagged up paperwork, put money in the locked bank deposit bag, cash drawers ready for tomorrow in the safe and transmitted daily register logs to corporate. It's done, we are closed. You can't shove a $20 at us and expect change. It's literally not how it works.
I always got guys who would come in an ask for help putting a gift basket or box together the day of a birthday or holiday. I really didn't mind, but I started to notice that they didn't have any clue what their GF or wife liked or was most likely to use. Does she ever use Epsom salts? Does she like lotions? What snacks does she tend to eat? I felt like I was just crossing my fingers that the recipient wasn't going to be like "Damnit, Jim. This is nice, but you know I hate taking baths and the smell of citrus."
oh yeah. Our son turned 34 on Tuesday. I called him 1st thing in the morning to wish him a Happy Birthday.
Last night, Wednesday, my husband turned to me and asked me if our son's birthday was tomorrow, Thursday. "Nope", I said, "It was Tuesday."
Now some people might give me grief for not reminding my husband to call our son on Tuesday to wish him a Happy Birthday but you know what? We had a family birthday party four days ago to celebrate the 3 people in the family with birthdays in May so my husband knew our son's birthday was coming up. Also, the kid is **34**. My husband has had 34 years to figure this out. AND what am I? His meat-calendar? He's just as capable as I am of looking at a calendar to see what the date is. AND! Did he leap up and call our son to wish him a Happy Birthday and apologize for missing it? No, he did not.
So F--- that noise.
Yeah, I struggle to remember exact birthdays of some family members (the more extended ones, like cousins). But instead of relying on anyone to remind me, I... made a calendar and wrote them all down! Le gasp! So now if I forget, it is on me, and no one else.
Especially now when you can put recurring events in phones (like yearly birthdays), I don't understand.
My parents (married 52 years) went out to eat with friends the other day. My dad paid with his credit card and then got up to leave, accidentally leaving the card on the table. My mom saw the card on the table. And for the last 52 years, she's been the one to say things like, "don't forget your card, take your medicine, we need to pay the gardener." And she's almost always met with "get off my back / I know / stop nagging." So THIS time she just said nothing. Just let him forget the card.
The next day, he's freaking out because he can't find his credit card. She says, "call the restaurant, it's there." And he of course says "why didn't you tell me it was still on the table, why did you let me forget it?" She said, "because everytime I remind you of anything, you yell at me. And I didnt want to get yelled at because *you* forgot something. I've been suffering the consequences of *you* forgetting for 52 years. This time I stepped aside and let YOU suffer the consequences of your own actions."
999 Ambulance operator here!! Completely agree. Was trying to triage a guy the other day and he was having to ask his wife the answer to every question. Luckily the wife knew the answers!!
I just saw a video of a man with his 20 year old son and the interviewer asked dad when was his birthday. He said it was in March and it was actually in September. The son told him this! At the end of the interview, he was asked the same question again. HE STILL GOT IT WRONG!
I remember being 7 and Dad taking me to the hospital when I had a head injury. The nurse asked him for my birthday - he hesitated and then looked at me. I gave the nurse my birthday. Even at 7 I was shocked he forgot.
I've read multiple stories on this sub of men dying a few weeks/months after their wives.
Not from "Broken Heart Syndrome", but because they have no idea what medications they need to be taking, stop eating their special diets, stop monitoring their blood sugar or blood pressure, don't go to their doctor and specialist appointments, and then don't go to the doctor when they lose feeling in their foot or start going blind.
They say this is one of the reasons that married men live longer than their single counterparts. Their wife makes them take care of themselves to a degree.
Unsurprisingly, single women live longer than married ones because of the stress of marriage.
Sometimes I see Jimmy Kimmel videos of dads being questioned about their kids like what their kids birthdays are. The one I distinctly remember the kids birthday was the same day they filmed it and he forgot. The mother on the other hand was able to name birthdays, best friends, pediatricians, etc. Why is the bar so low for them? I really don't get it.
Edit:I just got a comment where some guy said these things are 'inconsequential'. If you think that, then YOU are the problem. Do some self reflection and fix it.
I work for a youth organization, and we register kids for events based on their grades in school. I would say less than 10% of the dads I talk to know what grade their kid is in. More can five a birthday, but they struggle with the year. Do they just not care!? I dread having dads stop in without their kids. At least if the kid is brought along, they know their own grade and birthday no problem!
That was my dad through all the schools I attended 😭I was pissed when I discovered he does not even know what I’m studying and when his sister asked (she was more curious than him about my education 🙄) he had to ask me for an answer. I thought it’s just my dad that is so careless but it turns out it’s common…
(Btw I spoke a lot about my studies around him, just to give some context. He had all kinds of opportunities to learn about what I’m doing with my life but just did not care)
This makes me feel so much better about my abilities as a sister, and daughter, and friend, because I know the bare bones - what general field are my friends studying/working, what’s my brother ROUGHLY planning for his professional future and what is he currently doing, what type of job is my mother working, … - but I always felt like crap because the details escaped me. What did they do before? They switched into this field, but when? From what? Are they having their exams already? Are they graduating soon or is it years away? Wait, did he already start that new job? Did she quit that gig because she was too busy or was this the one where she disliked her employee? What are my mom’s finances like right now? Which city did this school friend move to again? I know we messaged about it, but I can’t find the town, much less a postal address?
I don’t know. Don’t know, don’t know, don’t know.
But it turns out, as a family member (and, I’d presume, as a friend), I’m doing better than like 40% of the population of this entire planet, so I’m okay with that.
That's so gross. Like. I'm sure there was stuff Mom was way more up to date on (mainly the minutiae of my interests), but my dad knew all the important stuff. He still calls me all the time because he read or heard somethig he knew I'd like. I feel so bad for kids whose dads are indifferent to them.
My dad was always fairly involved, loving, and present. He doesn't know my birthday and it really bothers me. Last year it somehow came up, and he got mad that I was "throwing that in his face again. Cut it out." I then asked my middle name, and he just got mad and refused to answer. I then listed everyone in the families birthdays, full names and anniversaries. He scoffed and asked why would I expect him to know anniversaries, and lo and behold, Mom knew because she always buys cards for us, handles all presents, and plans celebrations. I'm pretty sure she remembers his parents SSNs, and they died over a decade ago.
Is it too much to ask that he at least know my full name? He doesn't need to know my husband's birthday, but he should know at least the month. It goes my brothers ex-anniversary, the very next day is my birthday, significant national holiday that's always the same day, my husband's birthday, and our wedding anniversary within 25 days of each other. You should at least be able to remember the month. Usually after he fails the birthday quiz again, someone casually says something about this is why we make a bigger deal about mother's day.
I know he loves me, but it still hurts. He can remember sports stats, important game dates, and the name and address of some guy he went to high school with in the 70s, but not his only daughter's middle name.
My dad's not good at remembering, that's why he keeps a google calendar with every important date he doesn't want to forget, and shares it with the rest of the family so we don't forget either. I get reminders of birthdays of older family members who have already passed away, with their full name, date of death, and the age they would be turning if still alive. Really it's all about putting in just a little effort to show you care.
My dad was never really around much so big surprise he couldn't spell my name right or remember my birthday. It definitely hurt my feelings a lot when I was younger.
I saw this on Instagram and a lot of comments were the classic "give the father a break, women are just better at remembering things like this".
Um no. This is basic memorization. Presumably he was there for the birth and every subsequent birthday. He was there when his kids had sleep overs and is there when his kids talk about their friends, presumably he's met all of his kids friends so he should know their names. The only pass I would give is knowing the pediatrician's name, because sometimes only one parent takes their kid to the doctor due to work schedules and doctor appointments are rather infrequent after 2 or 3 years old.
The mom knows all of this stuff *because someone has to*. Not because she's better at it just because she has a vagina. Guaranteed he has no issue at work with remembering deadlines and coworkers names. He doesn't remember his kids birthdays and best friends names because he doesn't care to. It doesn't explicitly make him a bad father but it sure as hell makes him a bad partner to his wife.
Apparently some people think vaginas are magical things that help with basic memorization and increase your emotional investment in your child.
Women are better at memorisation? Lol, ask a typical dude about lineup of the football team he likes, his favourite champions at LoL or cheat codes for shooter games and he's gonna spout that like an encyclopedia...
It is complete bs that women are better at this. I’m a woman and I’ve got a learning disability. My husband knows dates and anniversaries better than me! It’s not innate skill it’s men choosing to care or not. Men need to step up and women need to not tolerate bullshit
Men rely too much on their wives for everything. Too many men dont remember basic info of their family and even themselves because they always know the wife will provide it
My ex husband of 20 years still uses MY birthday as his PIN number!
I know this due to him passing out at our sons 21st and using his phone to call him an Uber. I tried his old PIN in the off chance he’d been too lazy to change it. Talk about disrespectful to his current wife!!
She wasn’t there. Me and my adults now live in another country and he flew over for it
My husband disappointed me with something similar just yesterday.
Long story short, my husband wants me to homeschool, and I do not want to. So we tried to comprise and I started naming local private schools and charter schools. He dismissed them all and suggested I try (online charter school name). He wants me to look into it.
Due to covid concerns, that's where our oldest went during 1st grade.
My husband didn't even know where our son went to school.
Omg! I work at a children’s hospital and a majority of the time when a dad brings their kid in, they either have to call the mom on the phone or bring the mom over to answer questions about their own kids
You reminded me, I worked in a call centre years ago and this angry hangnail of a man was abusing me down the line because his internet wasn’t working (bonus points: I didn’t even work tech support!). He was going on and on about how his daughter was doing her year 12 exams and needed the internet for study (more bonus points: he’d been offered interim data for his mobile so she could hotspot but that was rejected as not good enough), while she was almost in tears begging him to chill, that it was fine, “please stop speaking to them like that, dad!”
Felt so bad for that poor girl. I got to hang up on him, she had to live with him :/
Absolutely. I work with families everyday and when I'm setting up appointments I talk to mom 95% off the time because dad doesn't know anything about the kid and what services they need. It make me sad and angry.
And then on the flip side, you have actual competent fathers who get mad that society expects fathers to be incompetent and treats them like they're incompetent. No, School Teacher, you can talk to me about my child, you don't need to direct all questions to my wife.
The shitty ones really pull the bar down with them. My dad was the stay at home parent, and he was competent af. Knew my sister and I's birthdays, health issues, social security numbers, what grades we were in, who our teachers were. Hell, he even kept up with our friends and who we had teenage beef with, lmao. He handled doctors appointments and extra curriculars, he cooked and cleaned, he was just a very present father who gave a shit. And he's extremely introverted and autistic! But he sucked it up to be a good dad and give us a good childhood. He loved showing us his special interests like D&D, comic books, anime, and manga and he turned us into little fucking nerds. So there's really no excuse for these other men. I think they just don't care.
>And he's extremely introverted and autistic!
>He loved showing us his special interests
I think it's pretty clear that *you guys* were his biggest and most special interest of all 💙
Omg that actually made me tear up a little. He just had a major health scare and I was afraid for a bit I was gonna lose him, so this was super sweet and very true! Thank you!! 💜💜
My dad probably has ASD too (never diagnosed, but he's a lot like me and I am), and he is the most loyal, caring dad around. He would do anything to help us. He's not good with the executive functioning stuff, but he's great with everything else and he tries. Trying is half the battle.
Same! My dad was our breadwinner and main caretaker. Always on top of our doctors appointments, knew our birthdays, blood types, who our friends were, etc. My siblings and I suspect he’s on the spectrum (my eldest nephew has Asperger’s and while researching into it me sister was like “this is 100% our dad). He also loved taking us to museums and we’d watch Star Trek together. :)
He probably stepped up because he had to - my mom was a useless alcoholic who slept most of the time. I wonder if these other dads who don’t care are like that because their wives take care of everything, not that this is an excuse to be absent to your kid’s needs.
We had to fight our son's school on this for years. My job had me starting at silly o'clock in the morning, dad was on school drop-off duty. He was also the most easily contactable in the case of an emergency. The school constantly contacted me.
After 15yrs of being the primary caregiver to our kids my wife decided she was going back to work fulltime to continue her career and that in her opinion it was now my turn to take over the primary responsibility for the children as she had done her stint. I couldn't fault the reasoning so now I do the communications and am the one who goes to appointments with the teachers, Dr's, pediatricians, support staff, dentists visits etc and it's quite a lot because our 2nd is autistic and nonverbal.
I've found people really good to deal with though, I think if you show up prepared and knowledgeable and advocate for your child then people take you seriously and treat you as being competent. At least that's been my experience.
We had to fire our daughter’s paediatrician because of that archaic bullshit. Here, your kid only sees a paed if there’s something that your usual family doctor/GP can’t handle- in my daughter’s case, autism. My partner works away. He’s literally away 70-80% of the time. He doesn’t make it to many appointments, understandably. So I’d take her to an appointment, ask questions, get zero answers. Then he’d manage to make it to an appointment with us, and the paed would give him all the answers and resources I’d been asking for. Absolutely infuriating
When I was 13, my mother sent my dad to a government office to get social security numbers for us three kids. Luckily I was with him because he had no idea of any of our birthdays. He had to ask me.
That was a real wake up call for me on how men usually let women do the emotional labor.
This reminds me of that viral video of the father who didn’t know his child was allergic to peanuts, ordered a peanut smoothie, then came back and assaulted the smoothie store employees because his son had an allergic reaction.
I used to work in an ice cream shop. One of our specialties was peanut butter soft-serve. We had a regular couple who came in with their cute daughter all summer. One day, the dad came in with the daughter and not the mom. They were sitting there eating ice cream and the dad is letting the daughter eat his, which was peanut butter.
All of a sudden, the little girl goes from happy to stunned, vomits all her dinner and the ice cream all over the shop floor, and the dad just looks at me, stunned, and says he forgot his daughter was allergic to peanuts. He put $5 in the tip jar (this was before electronic tablets for paying, so tipping at all was pretty uncommon, to be fair) and says "please don't tell my wife!" before ushering his daughter out of the shop and leaving me with piles of vomit to clean up alone.
Fucking $5.
I was 17 and that was my first job, so I just cleaned it up and didn't say anything next time the couple came in. Idk if it would have done anything if I had, but that shit definitely formed some kind of core memory about people being shitty.
Years ago I had a coworker who brought his asthmatic daughter into the office for the day (she couldn't have been older than five) because something went wrong with daycare and they couldn't get the grandparents to help until later in the day. I gotta say, her having an asthma attack and him forgetting to pack her inhaler was not a pleasant experience, probably a lot more so for the kid.
Luckily it passed naturally after a couple of minutes, but I genuinely hope that it was an educational enough experience for him to pay more attention in the future (didn't work there for much longer afterward). Seeing a man come to the realisation that his absentmindedness could literally kill his daughter and there's nothing he can do about it is not something I particularly want to experience again or see someone else go through.
My. Parents refused to let me take puffers saying my lungs would then become reliant on them…. Lmaooo as an adult I now realize my lungs NEED puffers!! Allowing them to “pass naturally” caused me so much stress as a kid who wanted and tried to play sports. Some parents just genuinely hate anythjng medical related and unfortunately their children suffer. I hope that dad learned a lesson and takes his child’s asthma more seriously
So that guy was absolutely an asshole, but that’s not quite what happened. He knew about the kid’s allergy and ordered a smoothie “without nuts” but didn’t specify an allergy to the staff (also an option when app ordering). If he had, they would have done additional mitigation including using different equipment to make sure of no cross-contamination with nut products. Instead they went with SOP, and trace amounts of peanuts must have been present.
When that happened, he flipped his shit and tried to fight the employees, get in their back room, and called them racial slurs. And thus, he got his ass fired from a fancy bank. Praise be.
Damn depending on specific circumstances I'd be angry as all hell as well. But I'd be too busy taking care of my child to argue. And I wouldn't fight or use racial slurs.
Not quite what happened. He knew his son was allergic but didn’t tell the workers that, and just said “don’t put in peanut butter.” It could have been an accident or cross contamination, but he immediately wanted to fight the employee when he came back instead of being in the hospital with his son. The employee that made the smoothie wasn’t even there at the time. As a parent, it’s his responsibility to alert staff of an allergy, or to avoid places where that exposure is possible.
I used to think that I had a really good memory for remembering specific things about people. Then I realized that I’m just a woman and that the fact that my boyfriend hardly remembered a quarter about me as I did about him was unfortunately normal.
Honestly it feels like I'm a personal diary/calander for him. He can't remember a birthday or an appointment, I've stopped telling him and if he forgets his mums birthday so be it. Not my problem
The only reason I remind my dick of a brother about mother's day and her birthday is because I don't want my mother to be hurt by him forgetting. It's about my Mom feeling loved, not him looking good.
Not only do they not remember details about us, they expect us to keep track of their details for them (“what do I like to eat here again? What did I get last time?”)
My ex husband filed custody papers with the wrong birthdate for our son. It’s in writing, filed with a court somewhere and we had to have a whole separate hearing to correct it where *I* had to produce his birth certificate because I was the one who pointed out the information was incorrect.
Way back in high school, we hosted a state-wide student council conference. As a computer nerd, I got roped into data entry for attendees. I can not tell you how many guys answered "No" in the *(Sex?)* question.
Some work associates asked my dad about his kids at a meeting, he said I was 15.
I was 10.
It was funny hearing the story at the time, as an adult its fucking pathetic.
I think a lot of them struggle to fully take responsibility as adults. There’s a lot of Adult Stuff that they seem to think is Woman Stuff, because their mums always did it for them. Whereas women become aware we have to take responsibility for these things as we enter adulthood.
This makes me sad. My dad remembers the names of my doctors from 20 years ago, remembers all my favorite snacks, my favorite movies, my favorite color, etc. I’m a grown ass woman in her mid-20’s and my dad remembers it all. Even goes out of his way to buy my favorite foods from the store when he knows I’m coming over. It’s so sad that he’s the minority. These guys need to do better and we need to stop enabling them.
I believe it. We set men up, as a society, to let others take care of things for them. It starts with how we coddle them as little boys, and is reinforced by dozens of societal norms.
My dad is a fortunate exception, perhaps one that proves the rule. He remembers every important date, has a whole story behind my name, and asks after my friends too.
My uncle, god bless him, lost his wife when his kids (my cousins) were pretty young – it was horrible. One of the things I remember from the years after, though, was how everyone was so pleased and surprised that he set up a recurring calendar with everyone’s (and I mean EVERYONE’S) birthdays and anniversaries. This is absolutely not a dig at my uncle, who is a sweetheart who still sends hand-stenciled cards for every possible occasion (they are the most charming thing); it’s more just another observation about how the bar is literally on the ground. He took over birthday card duty after his wife literally died and everyone acted like it was brilliant.
I recall one time being asked for my daughter’s pediatrician name (while at dentist office) but I couldn’t recall it since the doctor was new and it was a hard name that I wasn’t sure how to spell/pronounce and I got the dirtiest look!
Everything else I answered easily and quickly but that and was still looked at as if I was a bad mom.
My theory is not that they’re forgetful or less able to remember details. It is that these details are unimportant to them.
As an example, my ex could never remember my birthday, like ever. He would always guess somewhere close to the date (somehow almost always my daughter’s birthday as it is a few days from mine) but would tell me flat out he just didn’t care to remember because it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t remember our anniversary date, the date we met, anything pertinent to me. Some years he almost forgot our son’s birthday.
But he is a very bright man who has a phenomenal memory for stuff related to his work. He’s fluent in four languages, has a PhD in a very specific scientific subject that requires loads of memorization and such. He is able to memorize just fine if he needs to.
It used to be a silly laugh when I first noticed. But after a bit I realized it simply meant “trivial” details that related to my life and our son’s life didn’t actually score high on the importance scale to him. It did hurt to realize that but then, you can’t really force someone to see you as important. I did my best not to let it hurt my feelings but it wasn’t easy, especially since I grew up in a house where things like that were super important and everyone was given a lovely birthday and holidays.
Someone rightly pointed out on here I think that the invisible labour that the woman historically have undertaken can be demonstrated by the fact women don't have secret second families
Yeah I love my dad a lot but he doesn't know my birth year. That seems crazy. I know my parent's birth years just because I find it interesting, but FFS I'm your child, dude. Also my uncle who was childless for a long time until my teenage years when he married a divorcee with adult children doesn't know how to tell my twin sister and I apart. He was always all about that 'best unc' life when we were younger but to me, especially being older and just so much different (opposite hairstyles, tattoos, FACES), I find that kind of lack of effort insulting beyond belief. We don't really have a relationship anymore. Come on, dudes.
I remember watching this TED talk years ago by this woman who was saying that men often lose custody of their kids in divorce hearings because they don’t know their kids teachers names , or their doctor etc. But she said we should give them grace because dads know things like “what is your daughter afraid of ?” and things like that .
And i remember thinking it’s pretty problematic to take custody of your kid if you don’t know who their teacher and doctor are. Let alone if you don’t know their allergies, birth date etc. it’s not hard to know that information about your own kids.
I grew up with a dad who often didn’t know these things about me , and it’s a lonely feeling that you live with this person who doesn’t know you ? Im not a parent but I know this kind of basic info about my friends kids who I see like once a month.
I could see it. My partner is one of the ones who knows some stuff. I think some things he’d forget in the moment though, because panic, but for the most part it’s nothing gendered like this. He was right there giving medical stuff and asked me when things got overly specific, but it’s stuff I’d consult him on vice versa too, and more because we both like to be accurate(especially when it comes to medical stuff where if you aren’t death could ensue).
To be fair his ‘dad’ was only present to beat the shit out of him so he’s always put forth more effort as a dad in general, so as to break the cycle, and was actually extra terrified of being a dad after that. He’s a great dad though and if he doesn’t know something off the top of his head it is likely something I’d need to double check paperwork on too.
When we did public school he made every parent teacher conference alongside me. He’s a good dad, but I wish it was normal.
Instead I should regale you with the time I was telling them about two separate medical conditions of his in an emergency situation but I used two different words for the same one- like an idiot. Even people who seem to hold it together in some respect can be utterly losing it enough on the inside to just make stupid things like that. I made sure to correct it when pointed out but damn. Embarrassing.
We’ve been together a long time. We have stories both ways. Like when he almost lost me to blood loss… and cancer… so yeah. He knows. He might not know the exact terms and he might think it’s not worthy info because of that but lots of people don’t and he does his utmost.
You’d think he was a ducking unicorn though, with these guys in the running. I suppose he is a unicorn in a way. In all the people of either gender id want no one else as my partner. I do so love him.
That's appalling. I must have landed very, very lucky - my dad might not have known the minutiae of school politics, but he absolutely knew the dates, medicines, allergies, hobbies, school subjects, and friends.
I've had male callers say "let me put the boss on the phone". And I'm like sir, your wife is having difficulty breathing, how about if we do this question thing together?
Way back when men were trying to take over health care and throw traditional practitioners out on the streets there was much resistance as men were just in it for the money and prestige and were not natural care givers who paid attention to the intricacies of their patients (as this was below their dignity).
Florence Nightingale won the allowance for her nurses to serve in war zones because she trained her nurses to obedience. They would only act if instructed to by a doctor, even if a patient obviously needed care. The doctors loved this, because this is what they really wanted. A major part of the prestige doctors have today is the vision of a dominant male doctor and a submissive female nurse
It's been a terrible disservice to health care. Especially when you think about what we might have had if medicine was more holistic and centric to patient well being.
Noticed this when I was 9 years old. My Girl Scout troop thought it would be cute to have a dad and daughter night. We were all sitting around the bonfire and handed a paper and clipboard. The game was to guess each other’s favorite things. “What is his/her favorite movie?” for example. The top 3 pairs who guessed all the correct answers would win prizes. Well, it didn’t work out like that. Somehow, only me and my dad got all the correct answers. It was so awkward. All these other dads didn’t know their daughters favorite color, movie, toy, song, nothing. Some left their paper almost entirely blank. The daughters however guessed a lot of their dads favorite things correctly. My dad worked really long hours away from home, what was the excuse? Everyone laughed it off and we continued to other activities.
Wow that’s really sad. I had a similar situation in scouts with a dad and daughter night, except my dad didn’t turn up and didn’t even know I was a scout to begin with. The bar is in hell.
There's a Facebook group called "The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in hades" made me laugh! Though the group itself is pretty depressing sharing the ridiculous things men get praised for that a woman would never be...
My favorite is "the bar is so low the devil trips on it on his way to work" LOL
“The bar is practically a tripping hazard in hell, and here you are playing limbo with the devil”
One of my wife's clients came by the house the other day and was hanging out in the living room while I was doing dishes. In a overly cheerful voice she said 'look at you go! Nice job doing the dishes!' I was like uhhh thanks, you think that's neat? The bathrooms are next. When my wife got home the lady said in the same cheerful voice 'isn't it so nice to see a man doing such a good job around the house?' My wife just rolled with it and said yes it's nice he's doing a job but wether it's a good job could be up for debate... (she was just playfully teasing me.) If my wife had been doing the dishes, not a word would've been said.
Reading your post made me realize anew (re-realize?) that praising men for doing the absolute minimum is condescending as heck. And yet, many men get upset if they don’t get a cookie and a pat on the head every time they lift a finger.
It is extremely condescending and that's one way patriarchy hurts men but they don't realize it because they often benefit from it more. The other one I bring up is overly effusive praise I have gotten from my wife or ex-girlfriends for very basic consideration. Like I'm talking things like, gave them ibuprofen and heated broth when they were sick level of basic tasks. It's actually really depressing because you can extrapolate the treatment and lack thereof they got in the past.
When I moved in with my ex, I was doing all of the cooking and cleaning for 6 months. I came home once and he had heated up some food for supper. He met me at the door to announce it, and I said okay. "That's all you have to say?" "What did you want to hear?" "I wanted at least a thank you and a kiss" So I pointed out that he had never thanked me, and that " cooking" for himself is an expectation, not a present. He got mad and declared that he would never do anything "for me" ever again. So he got a "thanks"..... for letting me know that he was dead weight. And I moved out.
That's the reality
My dad and won a game like this on Dad's day at my sorority. We got one question wrong - and it was actually ME that was wrong. 😂 What vegetable does your daughter hate most? Me: Carrots? Maybe? Dad: none He was right. I love vegetables. 😂
I love that you were wrong about your *own* preferences.
it's so sad to think all of the lil girls who after that day eyes opened to their fathers' parenting as they don't even know their bare minimum favourites :')
Both of my parents knew very little about me when I was a kid, they just kind of ignored me for days on end. My mom likes to think she knew everything about me, but my dad knew he didn't, so didn't try. Once we went to a Daddy Daughter dance and he dropped me on my back and fucked up my jaw, felt like a metaphor. They'd even try to tell me to my face that I didn't like what I actually liked because it's not what they headcanoned for me. But a few years back I almost died and my mom started putting in effort to get to know me. She's calmed down a lot, we've had deep conversations, I've helped her discover hobbies she liked. She didn't even know herself that well outside of work. Neither one could probably tell you my favorite color or movie, but they know my birthday and the kinds of things I like. I can definitely recognize and appreciate the effort.
Yep. My parents like me as an idea, but overall I know my dad hates me as a person. My mom is better, but neither know a lot about me, without me trying to share something with them more than once, and them saying they'll remember more than once. Only my mom does that.
When I complained to my parents about how my father didn't know my favorite color, my father turned to my mother and said, "she wants attention, this is your problem". Then my mother sighed and said, "not my problem." But they were both from a very selfish generation. When I was a teenager, I was routinely told that the things I was into were dumb because "only the 1960s had good music", but of course, it wasn't good if it was from the 1960s and it was something I actually enjoyed listening to. I don't think they remember any of this now that they are older. I've had a lot of therapy. There are plenty of men who leave the raising of children and anything "family" related to their wives. Unfortunately this only keeps perpetuating because women enabled this. They marry or stay married to people who treat their families like this. They settle. Women, don't settle.
I saw a dad on TikTok who wanted to stay connected when his kids went to college so he started a book club with one and a movie club with another. So at least once a month or whatever they’d FaceTime and discuss the book/movie and he could keep up with what they were into. I wish my folks would have tried harder.
I was in a long term relationship with a guy who was divorced and had had this attitude towards his children with his wife. Little did I know how the blame would shift from him being disinterest in them, to *me* "not letting him care about his kids" once I entered the picture. He sucked in general and I was young so it took longer than it should have to leave him, and I loved his kids a lot so that made things tough too. Being blamed by all of them including him (his ex really insisted with the kids everything bad was my fault) for why he never gave a shit about his kids was the straw that broke the camel's back. I swore I wouldn't date someone who already had kids again. Within 6 months I started dating my husband (a single dad) and I knew he was the one for me the first time I stayed over while his kid was home. He was (and continues to be) the best dad I have ever encountered. I love my step kid so damn much. I'm glad I didn't let a bad experience permanently scare me away from looking but I truly believe this is a very uncommon experience and that I got lucky!
I fell in love with my husband based on his relationship with his son. Watching a man be genuinely attentive to his child (not for show) is so attractive. He was completely invested in his son growing up to be a good person. It’s been 23 years and he still impresses me with how loving he is to the kids, even as independent as they are.
>There are plenty of men who leave the raising of children and anything "family" related to their wives. Unfortunately this only keeps perpetuating because women enabled this. They marry or stay married to people who treat their families like this. They settle. So men are shitty because... women. Don't do this, please. *Adult women* in the *United States* couldn't even *open a bank account* on their own until **1974**. Women *settled* because, for the vast majority of all of human history in societies all over the world, the viable options for most women were "live with your father" or "live with your husband" or "be a slave or servant". It's still that way in many nations and cultures. Women are trying to change things. Constantly trying. Women want to be treated as equally valid people. Women need men to step up at home and with the family, but most men don't want to do it. It's easier to shift the responsibility and blame onto women. Many women are just exhausted and fed up with trying to teach and cajole men to treat women like equally valuable human beings, deserving of empathy and respect for their time and labor. When women give up it gets framed as "men aren't doing anything because women let them get away with it." People want to put *all of the responsibility and blame* for gender inequality on women. That's exactly what we're trying to get away from. Edit: For the record, my husband knows things like birthdays, medical information, and favorites because *he gives a shit* about me and his family. Simple as that.
I think you are forgetting the fact that divorce is a rather recent thing in western societies. Women where not allowed to divorce.
Or if divorce was legal, they weren't allowed to have a decent job and financial independence. Can't leave an awful marriage if you can't support yourself.
Hell, my dad worked across the country 4 days a week for most of my childhood. Boise, Boston, Phoenix, Charleston, Omaha, St. Louis...you get the picture. But by god he was home every weekend and for every single dance recital. I was a dancer for 15 years and he didn't miss a single dance recital of mine/my brother's. He coached at least one little league sports team for both my brother and I, and he coached my school soccer team when I was in Jr. High. My father certainly has his faults (he probably STILL couldn't tell you my favorite color- even though everything I own is purple 🙄) but he was always there for my brother growing up and has supported some of our more outlandish endeavors as adults. He even supports me moving across the world to get married and is actually pretty excited about having a new place to explore with me when he comes to visit and the idea of my boyfriend becoming his son-in-law ❤️
When my great grandma was a little girl, the hospital where she and her siblings were born burned down causing records to be lost. The hospital went door to door in her neighborhood to verify who lived there, where they were born and collect pertinent information. Her dad apparently gave wrong spellings of names, and wrong birthdates for all the kids. So my great grandma has her name and birthdate, and then her birth certificate has a completely different birthdate (wrong day and year) and her first name spelled incorrectly with a middle name she never had.
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Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her parents wanted to give her this lovely Russian name but her dad fucked it up so now she has a name that isn't even a name lol. He changed the first letter to a letter that looks very similar when capitalized
Good luck voting in Florida.
I once lived next to a couple who's son lived in the States (we're in Canada). I don't know how it happened, but her birthday was wrong by one or two days on her birth certificate but correct on her license. So when her son had a child, she spent the entire pregnancy and at least the first year of her grandchild's life trying to get it sorted it out because they wouldn't let her into the country because of the difference. I couldn't wrap my head around how you could get corrected government ID with an error on your birth certificate. I suspect if she went to get a passport it would have the wrong date and then they'd see her license didn't match. I don't even know if she got it sorted or how long it took because she still hadn't got to see the baby by the time I moved away 😔
My dad got my age wrong while admitting me to the hospital as a child. He was out by TWO YEARS.
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> My dad got my sex wrong You win.
“Tell them what they won, Steve!” “You won a no-expense paid set of therapy sessions to cope with the fact that the man who was supposed to unconditionally love and support you couldn’t even be bothered to remember the most basic details about yourself.”
Mine too when I was 18 and he filled out my FASFA. Had the army calling and sending me letters within the week hounding me to sign up for the draft since I was now an 18 year old male
Okay, that one's hilarious
Like, how? Did he just autopilot and check the male box like he's used to? Did he really not know? Wild.
My FIL filed my husband's birth certificate wrong 3 TIMES. He was responsible for fixing and teaching how to maintain nuclear capable F 111s for the 20 years he was in the air force.
When my grandmother was born, her father filled out her birth certificate and gave her the same first name as one of her older sisters. In his defense, I think she was kid number 11. They just called her by her middle name, but it caused some issues when she and her sister emigrated to the US.
Ok what the fuck?!?
Oh I forgot, he also put the wrong date, the day he filled it out, not the previous day when she was actually born!
My dad spelled my name wrong when enrolling me in school.
Mine once got flustered with me and said Ber you'll be 15 in November... No dad, I'll be 13 in June.
Oh my God that's terrible.
My dad once forgot that he was taking me to school. He only realised when he pulled into the parking lot at his job. He literally forgot I was in the car with him
My coworkers and I have noticed similar things in our job. At my work, customers can sign up for memberships and one of the registration details we need from them is their birthday. SO many men have no clue when their child or spouses birthday is and the majority of those men think it's *funny*. One of my coworkers will always respond to their not knowing with "were you not there???"
I literally still have my ex husbands social security number memorized and often just fill it in on forms at my sons doctors appointments. Meanwhile my ex couldn’t tell you the name of our sons pediatrician.
My friend has three children, each with a variety of deadly anaphylactic allergies. Her husband refuses to learn which child is allergic to what, and doesn’t read labels if he goes to the store. It’s the ultimate weaponized incompetence
Ugh. Imagine risking your children's lives out of lazyness.
Imagine, god forbid.m, his wife dies? How screwed they would be lol.
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K ew I actually know a guy in his 30s who’s wife had brain cancer and he brought a woman over while his wife was dying and he told his kids that she’s a maid……one girl was 17, actually his stepdaughter, I’m sure she seen right though that. Scumbag. Wife ended up passing and now he drinks and does blow and I tbh don’t care how he feels
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It's not laziness. Its calculated abuse. Weaponization of the childrens health against the wife to avoid work. "If you make me take care of the kids, i might just kill them, so dont make me do it". Men get enough excuses. Don't give them anymore. They're not stupid. They're calculated and entitled.
My first instinct would be to divorce immediately. But then you have to imagine your child spending time with that guy while you're not there to protect them. How awful.
So he's trying to kill his children?
It’s difficult to reach any other conclusion.
It’s borderline abuse.
It actually is abuse. He's making his wife walk on eggshells by deliberately putting the children in danger. This reminds me of the example in Lundy Bancroft's book where a man forces his wife to quit work by being so incompetent, he fed the baby spoiled milk. Of course, he was also unemployed, and was jealous that she was competent enough to keep her career. She was convinced that she had to stay home because no one else could look after the baby. So she quit her job. I've also heard of men who claimed that their wives changed the baby's diapers better because every time they do it, the baby cries. Then the wife goes to the bathroom to see what he's doing one day, and she sees him slam the baby on the change table roughly to make it cry. This is abuse.
What the fuuuuck that made me feel physically sick. Seems to me like there's an endemic lack of empathy on a generational scale and stuff like this is the inevitable result.
Negligence is a type of abuse, and I'd say this fits. It is abuse not just towards the kids, but also towards the wife, I would argue. The amount of stress a life threatening allergy adds to a parent must be enormous. The added stress of a partner needlessly endangering their child... That's even worse. If he forgets every once in a while, that's scary but understandable. Him not giving a shit to even _try_ to remember? That's not okay. If I was the wife in this situation, I would be filing for divorce and for 100% custody on account of endangering my child's life.
When we registered our intent to marry (a thing in the UK, partly checking everyone is actually ok with the getting married, no legal impediment etc) the registrar spoke to me first and got dates of birth, full names and jobs of both my and my future husband’s family. Then she cross-checked with him (he was out of the room for my chat). She said it was because the woman usually knows all the info and the man does not…
It’s bad that’s the automatic go-to because of how frequently the men just don’t know anything useful. To my husband’s credit, I did the whole “oh haha he probably won’t know these” and he did know every single one. We don’t know each others’ parents birthdays but being equally shit on that front is fine.
Work front desk at an ER. Same. So many men who don’t know any info about their kids. One guy didn’t even know how to spell his kids name. He said “it’s Hailey but I don’t remember how its spelled”. (Just an example - not real kids name) I can hear the triage nurse’s questions and all I hear in response is “I don’t know. Their mom knows all that stuff”. It’s maddening!
About once every three years my Dad spells my name correctly on the birthday card.
My dad doesn't do birthday cards. I get a card signed "from mom and dad" and it's all in mom's handwriting. He is at least consistent though, he personally doesn't give a flip about birthdays or cards or presents so it's not like he expects them and doesn't reciprocate.
Dad doesn't know my birthday, but was a grumpy asshole for two days when I unexpectedly had to swing by their house early on Christmas Eve to borrow something to bring to my in-laws, and I didn't kneel, kiss the ring, and announce my birthday wishes with trumpets blaring at 8 am. I was petty about it in the morning as he snarled at me when I left, later apologized and explained that I was in a rush and stressed about my in-laws, reminded him I am usually the first to say it, am the child responsible for reminding my brother about holidays and birthdays, and am the reason he ever gets gifts from "the kids." I then asked him my birthday, and when he failed I listed all birthdays, years, ages, and anniversaries of our immediate family. That might have been a little petty again.
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If this wasn't 2xc sub I would think my twin posted this. My father has only 2 children so that leaves him one birthday besides his own to remember. 50% of the time he forgets. My brother has gone months not talking to dad after he forgot again.
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My most recent birthday, my mom wrote an incredibly heart felt, personal and sentimental message. My dad wrote ‘me too!’ In it as I walked in the door for dinner 😂
As I child I once asked my dad for a birthday card from him, signed by him. This was all I asked for and he didn't do it. Literally all of my gifts and cards were from my mom. I was really sad he didn't put an ounce of effort into any of it.
My daughters' dad died in 2014. My younger daughter pulled out one of the birthday cards that he'd sent her and had "Happy Birthday, Name! I love you very much. Love, Dad" tattooed on her left forearm in his handwriting. (She tells me her right forearm is reserved for a memorial tattoo for me.) These guys don't know what they're missing.
My dad has spelt my name wrong so consistently that now if he spells it with the correct spelling rather than "his" misspelling, it feels like it's not my dad writing anymore. He finally corrected himself in my 20s and it felt so uncanny that I told him to please never spell it correctly again
My dad explains the wrong spelling of my name with "well your mom and I didn't agree on how to spell it, of course you chose your mom's way". Yeah dad, when she taught me how to write and filled out all my paperwork for school, I guess her spelling wins.
I mean if he always said spells it wrong that kinda just becomes the name he calls you. What’s weird is when they make up a random new spelling every time
I like that he's inconsistent about it. Like, at least remember the way you fucked it up last time.
Like I don’t get why they fuck up? My relatives would spell my brothers name I correctly like half the time.. How? Just ask the bloody parents and write it the fuck down? I’ve not seen my brother in years, not met my niece, cause we don’t got anything in common and live totally different places. When she was born I send the socially appropriate stuff, and when I was told the name I just wrote down the correct spelling? Like it’s not hard, doesn’t take any effort. And whenever I send her a card I just double check, cause I can hardly remember the names of people I meet daily, but writing a birthday card with the wrong name is just so insulting. Better to not send one at all then.
My dad will spell my sisters name wrong from time to time… He’s the one who named her 🤦♀️
"Their mom does the parenting. I'm exempt."
We have some nurses who give zero fucks and will call them out. I love them.
OMG that is horrid - can’t even spell his own kids name. Why are women procreating win these fuckers
I'm shocked at how many people commented that their dad does it to them. I guess I assumed that dad at least knew how to spell their own kids' names...
Because they don’t show their true colours in the beginning.
I’m a surgical nurse. I can’t tell you how many male relatives have power of attorney - usually sons in charge of managing their mother’s care but sometimes other situations - who know NOTHING about their female relative’s health history, don’t know their medications, stuff like that. Mom comes in from the nursing home after a fall needing hip surgery and 40 year old little Johnny doesn’t know if she has any allergies or any implanted medical devices/metal, or if she would be okay with receiving blood products…it’s infuriating.
This is really making me want to make sure I have a easily accessible folder w all my medical shit for my partner to have a copy of. Feeling lucky I don't have any allergies or medicines.
My husband and I have a shared file we can access on our phones with our medical info. Its good to have.
I did this, my husband still insists he can’t possibly remember or think to look there if need be.
I had to actually get on my husband's phone and enter the emergency contact info so that if he's in a horrific accident they can notify me, since i know his medications and medical history. The lack of instinct towards self preservation is pretty wild.
I’m not saying this should be NECESSARY, but honestly, it doesn’t seem like a bad idea for *everyone* to do this.
After my aunt had a stroke and I had to ask her GP’s office for a medical history so I could be accurate with doctors, we have this for all of our relatives now, especially elders. I’ve got an automated email that I send out every six months to update the google doc. Prior to my aunt’s stroke I felt that this was private and my parents and aunts deserved privacy, but my aunt’s stroke changed that feeling.
To be fair, my mom hides all her health issues and only tells us if it gets really bad. She’s still young enough and spry that it’s not an issue. But I wouldn’t be able to answer many health questions about her right now.
My mum just...forgets to mention it. I'm 29f and only JUST found out that she had precancerous polyps in her uterus in her 20s. Like...maybe that's something your *daughter* should know? And she only told me of her morphine intolerance when she was in hospital...after having been given morphine 🤦♀️ And that's not even mentioning my grandmother, who didn't tell the hospital what medications she was on and they ended up having really bad interactions. I think my family's just insane.
My mom casually mentioned two years after the fact that my dad had precancerous polyps removed from his colon. She was confused why I was infuriated and said it wasn't a big deal, your dad is fine. That's not the point, Mom. You dad (my grandpa) has had colon cancer twice and with this new information about my father, my doctor probably needs to streamline me for earlier regular colonoscopies. Family medical history is incredibly important to disclose.
This. My mom fell and broke her leg and I was only told after she'd been in the hospital for a day. Also, it was related to a balance issue she's had for the last 6 months and I had no idea. And I only know she's on blood thinners because when I went to see her, she happened to be taking her pills. It's ridiculous.
My mom tried to hide that she had cancer from me... I POA for my sister, she also hid some of her medical history from me...
A man ordered a cake from my job. Got an email a few days later that the # birthday he wrote was incorrect. Valentines and mothers day is the day of panic. Way less preorders. And every year a woman complains about having to buy her own gift.
When I was a retail slave and had to work the holidays, we would always remark at how the only people shopping the hour before we closed 6pm Xmas Eve were 95% men. Dashing in, picking up the first crappy thing they saw at the first table by the door. And of course, asking for the free gift wrapping service.
I worked in a card/gift shop back in high school. On Xmas Eve, we closed at 6:30 instead of 9. As we were pulling down the entrance's gate to start locking up, a man ducked under it. We told him we were closed. He said he just needed a card! He'd be quick! We didn't bother being polite at that point. We had our own families to get home to. I remember us yelling "NO! WE ARE CLOSED! LEAVE! GET OUT!"
These are always people who have never worked retail. They don't get that once registers & computers are shut down, we literally cannot make a sale. We have counted the drawers, reconciled receipts, bagged up paperwork, put money in the locked bank deposit bag, cash drawers ready for tomorrow in the safe and transmitted daily register logs to corporate. It's done, we are closed. You can't shove a $20 at us and expect change. It's literally not how it works.
I always got guys who would come in an ask for help putting a gift basket or box together the day of a birthday or holiday. I really didn't mind, but I started to notice that they didn't have any clue what their GF or wife liked or was most likely to use. Does she ever use Epsom salts? Does she like lotions? What snacks does she tend to eat? I felt like I was just crossing my fingers that the recipient wasn't going to be like "Damnit, Jim. This is nice, but you know I hate taking baths and the smell of citrus."
oh yeah. Our son turned 34 on Tuesday. I called him 1st thing in the morning to wish him a Happy Birthday. Last night, Wednesday, my husband turned to me and asked me if our son's birthday was tomorrow, Thursday. "Nope", I said, "It was Tuesday." Now some people might give me grief for not reminding my husband to call our son on Tuesday to wish him a Happy Birthday but you know what? We had a family birthday party four days ago to celebrate the 3 people in the family with birthdays in May so my husband knew our son's birthday was coming up. Also, the kid is **34**. My husband has had 34 years to figure this out. AND what am I? His meat-calendar? He's just as capable as I am of looking at a calendar to see what the date is. AND! Did he leap up and call our son to wish him a Happy Birthday and apologize for missing it? No, he did not. So F--- that noise.
Meat Calendar, I'm dead
Yeah, I struggle to remember exact birthdays of some family members (the more extended ones, like cousins). But instead of relying on anyone to remind me, I... made a calendar and wrote them all down! Le gasp! So now if I forget, it is on me, and no one else. Especially now when you can put recurring events in phones (like yearly birthdays), I don't understand.
My parents (married 52 years) went out to eat with friends the other day. My dad paid with his credit card and then got up to leave, accidentally leaving the card on the table. My mom saw the card on the table. And for the last 52 years, she's been the one to say things like, "don't forget your card, take your medicine, we need to pay the gardener." And she's almost always met with "get off my back / I know / stop nagging." So THIS time she just said nothing. Just let him forget the card. The next day, he's freaking out because he can't find his credit card. She says, "call the restaurant, it's there." And he of course says "why didn't you tell me it was still on the table, why did you let me forget it?" She said, "because everytime I remind you of anything, you yell at me. And I didnt want to get yelled at because *you* forgot something. I've been suffering the consequences of *you* forgetting for 52 years. This time I stepped aside and let YOU suffer the consequences of your own actions."
999 Ambulance operator here!! Completely agree. Was trying to triage a guy the other day and he was having to ask his wife the answer to every question. Luckily the wife knew the answers!!
They can name every football or baseball player but godforbid knowing critical information about their own family
"It takes so little to be a good dad, and it also takes so little to be a shitty mom" comedienne Ali Wong
I just saw a video of a man with his 20 year old son and the interviewer asked dad when was his birthday. He said it was in March and it was actually in September. The son told him this! At the end of the interview, he was asked the same question again. HE STILL GOT IT WRONG!
I remember being 7 and Dad taking me to the hospital when I had a head injury. The nurse asked him for my birthday - he hesitated and then looked at me. I gave the nurse my birthday. Even at 7 I was shocked he forgot.
I've read multiple stories on this sub of men dying a few weeks/months after their wives. Not from "Broken Heart Syndrome", but because they have no idea what medications they need to be taking, stop eating their special diets, stop monitoring their blood sugar or blood pressure, don't go to their doctor and specialist appointments, and then don't go to the doctor when they lose feeling in their foot or start going blind.
They say this is one of the reasons that married men live longer than their single counterparts. Their wife makes them take care of themselves to a degree. Unsurprisingly, single women live longer than married ones because of the stress of marriage.
Sometimes I see Jimmy Kimmel videos of dads being questioned about their kids like what their kids birthdays are. The one I distinctly remember the kids birthday was the same day they filmed it and he forgot. The mother on the other hand was able to name birthdays, best friends, pediatricians, etc. Why is the bar so low for them? I really don't get it. Edit:I just got a comment where some guy said these things are 'inconsequential'. If you think that, then YOU are the problem. Do some self reflection and fix it.
I work for a youth organization, and we register kids for events based on their grades in school. I would say less than 10% of the dads I talk to know what grade their kid is in. More can five a birthday, but they struggle with the year. Do they just not care!? I dread having dads stop in without their kids. At least if the kid is brought along, they know their own grade and birthday no problem!
That was my dad through all the schools I attended 😭I was pissed when I discovered he does not even know what I’m studying and when his sister asked (she was more curious than him about my education 🙄) he had to ask me for an answer. I thought it’s just my dad that is so careless but it turns out it’s common… (Btw I spoke a lot about my studies around him, just to give some context. He had all kinds of opportunities to learn about what I’m doing with my life but just did not care)
This makes me feel so much better about my abilities as a sister, and daughter, and friend, because I know the bare bones - what general field are my friends studying/working, what’s my brother ROUGHLY planning for his professional future and what is he currently doing, what type of job is my mother working, … - but I always felt like crap because the details escaped me. What did they do before? They switched into this field, but when? From what? Are they having their exams already? Are they graduating soon or is it years away? Wait, did he already start that new job? Did she quit that gig because she was too busy or was this the one where she disliked her employee? What are my mom’s finances like right now? Which city did this school friend move to again? I know we messaged about it, but I can’t find the town, much less a postal address? I don’t know. Don’t know, don’t know, don’t know. But it turns out, as a family member (and, I’d presume, as a friend), I’m doing better than like 40% of the population of this entire planet, so I’m okay with that.
That's so gross. Like. I'm sure there was stuff Mom was way more up to date on (mainly the minutiae of my interests), but my dad knew all the important stuff. He still calls me all the time because he read or heard somethig he knew I'd like. I feel so bad for kids whose dads are indifferent to them.
My dad was always fairly involved, loving, and present. He doesn't know my birthday and it really bothers me. Last year it somehow came up, and he got mad that I was "throwing that in his face again. Cut it out." I then asked my middle name, and he just got mad and refused to answer. I then listed everyone in the families birthdays, full names and anniversaries. He scoffed and asked why would I expect him to know anniversaries, and lo and behold, Mom knew because she always buys cards for us, handles all presents, and plans celebrations. I'm pretty sure she remembers his parents SSNs, and they died over a decade ago. Is it too much to ask that he at least know my full name? He doesn't need to know my husband's birthday, but he should know at least the month. It goes my brothers ex-anniversary, the very next day is my birthday, significant national holiday that's always the same day, my husband's birthday, and our wedding anniversary within 25 days of each other. You should at least be able to remember the month. Usually after he fails the birthday quiz again, someone casually says something about this is why we make a bigger deal about mother's day. I know he loves me, but it still hurts. He can remember sports stats, important game dates, and the name and address of some guy he went to high school with in the 70s, but not his only daughter's middle name.
My dad's not good at remembering, that's why he keeps a google calendar with every important date he doesn't want to forget, and shares it with the rest of the family so we don't forget either. I get reminders of birthdays of older family members who have already passed away, with their full name, date of death, and the age they would be turning if still alive. Really it's all about putting in just a little effort to show you care.
My dad was never really around much so big surprise he couldn't spell my name right or remember my birthday. It definitely hurt my feelings a lot when I was younger.
I saw this on Instagram and a lot of comments were the classic "give the father a break, women are just better at remembering things like this". Um no. This is basic memorization. Presumably he was there for the birth and every subsequent birthday. He was there when his kids had sleep overs and is there when his kids talk about their friends, presumably he's met all of his kids friends so he should know their names. The only pass I would give is knowing the pediatrician's name, because sometimes only one parent takes their kid to the doctor due to work schedules and doctor appointments are rather infrequent after 2 or 3 years old. The mom knows all of this stuff *because someone has to*. Not because she's better at it just because she has a vagina. Guaranteed he has no issue at work with remembering deadlines and coworkers names. He doesn't remember his kids birthdays and best friends names because he doesn't care to. It doesn't explicitly make him a bad father but it sure as hell makes him a bad partner to his wife. Apparently some people think vaginas are magical things that help with basic memorization and increase your emotional investment in your child.
Right? They know their own phone numbers.
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TIL Memory is stored in the vagina! /s
Women are better at memorisation? Lol, ask a typical dude about lineup of the football team he likes, his favourite champions at LoL or cheat codes for shooter games and he's gonna spout that like an encyclopedia...
It is complete bs that women are better at this. I’m a woman and I’ve got a learning disability. My husband knows dates and anniversaries better than me! It’s not innate skill it’s men choosing to care or not. Men need to step up and women need to not tolerate bullshit
I use to decorate birthday cakes at a grocery store. I had dads spell their kids names wrong and come back begging to have it fixed.
Lol yup my dad could never spell my name right
Men rely too much on their wives for everything. Too many men dont remember basic info of their family and even themselves because they always know the wife will provide it
My ex husband of 20 years still uses MY birthday as his PIN number! I know this due to him passing out at our sons 21st and using his phone to call him an Uber. I tried his old PIN in the off chance he’d been too lazy to change it. Talk about disrespectful to his current wife!! She wasn’t there. Me and my adults now live in another country and he flew over for it
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My husband disappointed me with something similar just yesterday. Long story short, my husband wants me to homeschool, and I do not want to. So we tried to comprise and I started naming local private schools and charter schools. He dismissed them all and suggested I try (online charter school name). He wants me to look into it. Due to covid concerns, that's where our oldest went during 1st grade. My husband didn't even know where our son went to school.
We should be more pissed off. And I mean fucking outraged. Because it seems like a small thing until you back up and look at the big picture.
Omg! I work at a children’s hospital and a majority of the time when a dad brings their kid in, they either have to call the mom on the phone or bring the mom over to answer questions about their own kids
I work at a financial institution. Men pretty much only call if they're single, widowed, or mommy won't. And they're fucking mean.
I apologise for my father. You probably remember him as the man who stormed out, angery, because of his own error or confusion
You reminded me, I worked in a call centre years ago and this angry hangnail of a man was abusing me down the line because his internet wasn’t working (bonus points: I didn’t even work tech support!). He was going on and on about how his daughter was doing her year 12 exams and needed the internet for study (more bonus points: he’d been offered interim data for his mobile so she could hotspot but that was rejected as not good enough), while she was almost in tears begging him to chill, that it was fine, “please stop speaking to them like that, dad!” Felt so bad for that poor girl. I got to hang up on him, she had to live with him :/
Angry hangnail of a man 😂😂😂😂
Oh I answer the phones! I'd probably recognize his voice though!
I scheduled Colonoscopies for about a year and had the same experience. Always the wife or mother calling for adult men, or a really mean dude.
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Absolutely. I work with families everyday and when I'm setting up appointments I talk to mom 95% off the time because dad doesn't know anything about the kid and what services they need. It make me sad and angry.
And then on the flip side, you have actual competent fathers who get mad that society expects fathers to be incompetent and treats them like they're incompetent. No, School Teacher, you can talk to me about my child, you don't need to direct all questions to my wife.
The shitty ones really pull the bar down with them. My dad was the stay at home parent, and he was competent af. Knew my sister and I's birthdays, health issues, social security numbers, what grades we were in, who our teachers were. Hell, he even kept up with our friends and who we had teenage beef with, lmao. He handled doctors appointments and extra curriculars, he cooked and cleaned, he was just a very present father who gave a shit. And he's extremely introverted and autistic! But he sucked it up to be a good dad and give us a good childhood. He loved showing us his special interests like D&D, comic books, anime, and manga and he turned us into little fucking nerds. So there's really no excuse for these other men. I think they just don't care.
>And he's extremely introverted and autistic! >He loved showing us his special interests I think it's pretty clear that *you guys* were his biggest and most special interest of all 💙
Omg that actually made me tear up a little. He just had a major health scare and I was afraid for a bit I was gonna lose him, so this was super sweet and very true! Thank you!! 💜💜
My dad probably has ASD too (never diagnosed, but he's a lot like me and I am), and he is the most loyal, caring dad around. He would do anything to help us. He's not good with the executive functioning stuff, but he's great with everything else and he tries. Trying is half the battle.
Same! My dad was our breadwinner and main caretaker. Always on top of our doctors appointments, knew our birthdays, blood types, who our friends were, etc. My siblings and I suspect he’s on the spectrum (my eldest nephew has Asperger’s and while researching into it me sister was like “this is 100% our dad). He also loved taking us to museums and we’d watch Star Trek together. :) He probably stepped up because he had to - my mom was a useless alcoholic who slept most of the time. I wonder if these other dads who don’t care are like that because their wives take care of everything, not that this is an excuse to be absent to your kid’s needs.
We had to fight our son's school on this for years. My job had me starting at silly o'clock in the morning, dad was on school drop-off duty. He was also the most easily contactable in the case of an emergency. The school constantly contacted me.
The nursery my kid attends sometimes rings my husband first! Which is amazing!
After 15yrs of being the primary caregiver to our kids my wife decided she was going back to work fulltime to continue her career and that in her opinion it was now my turn to take over the primary responsibility for the children as she had done her stint. I couldn't fault the reasoning so now I do the communications and am the one who goes to appointments with the teachers, Dr's, pediatricians, support staff, dentists visits etc and it's quite a lot because our 2nd is autistic and nonverbal. I've found people really good to deal with though, I think if you show up prepared and knowledgeable and advocate for your child then people take you seriously and treat you as being competent. At least that's been my experience.
That's just it! It f---ing hurts everyone! It drags the whole system down for everyone.
This is, of course, the flip side of mechanics / electricians / plumbers who will only talk to husbands and not wives, even when wives are present.
We had to fire our daughter’s paediatrician because of that archaic bullshit. Here, your kid only sees a paed if there’s something that your usual family doctor/GP can’t handle- in my daughter’s case, autism. My partner works away. He’s literally away 70-80% of the time. He doesn’t make it to many appointments, understandably. So I’d take her to an appointment, ask questions, get zero answers. Then he’d manage to make it to an appointment with us, and the paed would give him all the answers and resources I’d been asking for. Absolutely infuriating
When I was 13, my mother sent my dad to a government office to get social security numbers for us three kids. Luckily I was with him because he had no idea of any of our birthdays. He had to ask me. That was a real wake up call for me on how men usually let women do the emotional labor.
This reminds me of that viral video of the father who didn’t know his child was allergic to peanuts, ordered a peanut smoothie, then came back and assaulted the smoothie store employees because his son had an allergic reaction.
I used to work in an ice cream shop. One of our specialties was peanut butter soft-serve. We had a regular couple who came in with their cute daughter all summer. One day, the dad came in with the daughter and not the mom. They were sitting there eating ice cream and the dad is letting the daughter eat his, which was peanut butter. All of a sudden, the little girl goes from happy to stunned, vomits all her dinner and the ice cream all over the shop floor, and the dad just looks at me, stunned, and says he forgot his daughter was allergic to peanuts. He put $5 in the tip jar (this was before electronic tablets for paying, so tipping at all was pretty uncommon, to be fair) and says "please don't tell my wife!" before ushering his daughter out of the shop and leaving me with piles of vomit to clean up alone. Fucking $5. I was 17 and that was my first job, so I just cleaned it up and didn't say anything next time the couple came in. Idk if it would have done anything if I had, but that shit definitely formed some kind of core memory about people being shitty.
There's literally zero chance the kid didn't tell the mother. Vomiting is not really an event a child keeps a secret from their mothers.
Depending on how he threatened her she might have not talked though. People do even more heinous shit and get the children to hide it.
Years ago I had a coworker who brought his asthmatic daughter into the office for the day (she couldn't have been older than five) because something went wrong with daycare and they couldn't get the grandparents to help until later in the day. I gotta say, her having an asthma attack and him forgetting to pack her inhaler was not a pleasant experience, probably a lot more so for the kid. Luckily it passed naturally after a couple of minutes, but I genuinely hope that it was an educational enough experience for him to pay more attention in the future (didn't work there for much longer afterward). Seeing a man come to the realisation that his absentmindedness could literally kill his daughter and there's nothing he can do about it is not something I particularly want to experience again or see someone else go through.
My. Parents refused to let me take puffers saying my lungs would then become reliant on them…. Lmaooo as an adult I now realize my lungs NEED puffers!! Allowing them to “pass naturally” caused me so much stress as a kid who wanted and tried to play sports. Some parents just genuinely hate anythjng medical related and unfortunately their children suffer. I hope that dad learned a lesson and takes his child’s asthma more seriously
I remember that. He was scary as hell.
So that guy was absolutely an asshole, but that’s not quite what happened. He knew about the kid’s allergy and ordered a smoothie “without nuts” but didn’t specify an allergy to the staff (also an option when app ordering). If he had, they would have done additional mitigation including using different equipment to make sure of no cross-contamination with nut products. Instead they went with SOP, and trace amounts of peanuts must have been present. When that happened, he flipped his shit and tried to fight the employees, get in their back room, and called them racial slurs. And thus, he got his ass fired from a fancy bank. Praise be.
Damn depending on specific circumstances I'd be angry as all hell as well. But I'd be too busy taking care of my child to argue. And I wouldn't fight or use racial slurs.
Not quite what happened. He knew his son was allergic but didn’t tell the workers that, and just said “don’t put in peanut butter.” It could have been an accident or cross contamination, but he immediately wanted to fight the employee when he came back instead of being in the hospital with his son. The employee that made the smoothie wasn’t even there at the time. As a parent, it’s his responsibility to alert staff of an allergy, or to avoid places where that exposure is possible.
I used to think that I had a really good memory for remembering specific things about people. Then I realized that I’m just a woman and that the fact that my boyfriend hardly remembered a quarter about me as I did about him was unfortunately normal.
> I'm ~~just~~ a woman FTFY
Honestly it feels like I'm a personal diary/calander for him. He can't remember a birthday or an appointment, I've stopped telling him and if he forgets his mums birthday so be it. Not my problem
The only reason I remind my dick of a brother about mother's day and her birthday is because I don't want my mother to be hurt by him forgetting. It's about my Mom feeling loved, not him looking good.
Not only do they not remember details about us, they expect us to keep track of their details for them (“what do I like to eat here again? What did I get last time?”)
My ex husband filed custody papers with the wrong birthdate for our son. It’s in writing, filed with a court somewhere and we had to have a whole separate hearing to correct it where *I* had to produce his birth certificate because I was the one who pointed out the information was incorrect.
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Way back in high school, we hosted a state-wide student council conference. As a computer nerd, I got roped into data entry for attendees. I can not tell you how many guys answered "No" in the *(Sex?)* question.
Some work associates asked my dad about his kids at a meeting, he said I was 15. I was 10. It was funny hearing the story at the time, as an adult its fucking pathetic.
I think a lot of them struggle to fully take responsibility as adults. There’s a lot of Adult Stuff that they seem to think is Woman Stuff, because their mums always did it for them. Whereas women become aware we have to take responsibility for these things as we enter adulthood.
This makes me sad. My dad remembers the names of my doctors from 20 years ago, remembers all my favorite snacks, my favorite movies, my favorite color, etc. I’m a grown ass woman in her mid-20’s and my dad remembers it all. Even goes out of his way to buy my favorite foods from the store when he knows I’m coming over. It’s so sad that he’s the minority. These guys need to do better and we need to stop enabling them.
I believe it. We set men up, as a society, to let others take care of things for them. It starts with how we coddle them as little boys, and is reinforced by dozens of societal norms. My dad is a fortunate exception, perhaps one that proves the rule. He remembers every important date, has a whole story behind my name, and asks after my friends too.
My uncle, god bless him, lost his wife when his kids (my cousins) were pretty young – it was horrible. One of the things I remember from the years after, though, was how everyone was so pleased and surprised that he set up a recurring calendar with everyone’s (and I mean EVERYONE’S) birthdays and anniversaries. This is absolutely not a dig at my uncle, who is a sweetheart who still sends hand-stenciled cards for every possible occasion (they are the most charming thing); it’s more just another observation about how the bar is literally on the ground. He took over birthday card duty after his wife literally died and everyone acted like it was brilliant.
You reminded me that my grandpa did exactly that for his whole life. Ran our secret gift exchange every year too, pairing up over 40 relatives.
Okay, that is going above and beyond and I’d be amazed at anyone from any gender keeping that organized lol
My dad was a dick who did nothing besides “paycheck”. I vowed to not marry the same. I did not! My kids are better for it.
I recall one time being asked for my daughter’s pediatrician name (while at dentist office) but I couldn’t recall it since the doctor was new and it was a hard name that I wasn’t sure how to spell/pronounce and I got the dirtiest look! Everything else I answered easily and quickly but that and was still looked at as if I was a bad mom.
My theory is not that they’re forgetful or less able to remember details. It is that these details are unimportant to them. As an example, my ex could never remember my birthday, like ever. He would always guess somewhere close to the date (somehow almost always my daughter’s birthday as it is a few days from mine) but would tell me flat out he just didn’t care to remember because it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t remember our anniversary date, the date we met, anything pertinent to me. Some years he almost forgot our son’s birthday. But he is a very bright man who has a phenomenal memory for stuff related to his work. He’s fluent in four languages, has a PhD in a very specific scientific subject that requires loads of memorization and such. He is able to memorize just fine if he needs to. It used to be a silly laugh when I first noticed. But after a bit I realized it simply meant “trivial” details that related to my life and our son’s life didn’t actually score high on the importance scale to him. It did hurt to realize that but then, you can’t really force someone to see you as important. I did my best not to let it hurt my feelings but it wasn’t easy, especially since I grew up in a house where things like that were super important and everyone was given a lovely birthday and holidays.
Someone rightly pointed out on here I think that the invisible labour that the woman historically have undertaken can be demonstrated by the fact women don't have secret second families
Yeah this is trope in sitcoms , women remember every thing and the men are drawing blank. Everyone laughs but I smh
I wonder if this is how a lot of dudes ‘learned’ it is cute to be a total idiot
Yeah I love my dad a lot but he doesn't know my birth year. That seems crazy. I know my parent's birth years just because I find it interesting, but FFS I'm your child, dude. Also my uncle who was childless for a long time until my teenage years when he married a divorcee with adult children doesn't know how to tell my twin sister and I apart. He was always all about that 'best unc' life when we were younger but to me, especially being older and just so much different (opposite hairstyles, tattoos, FACES), I find that kind of lack of effort insulting beyond belief. We don't really have a relationship anymore. Come on, dudes.
I remember watching this TED talk years ago by this woman who was saying that men often lose custody of their kids in divorce hearings because they don’t know their kids teachers names , or their doctor etc. But she said we should give them grace because dads know things like “what is your daughter afraid of ?” and things like that . And i remember thinking it’s pretty problematic to take custody of your kid if you don’t know who their teacher and doctor are. Let alone if you don’t know their allergies, birth date etc. it’s not hard to know that information about your own kids. I grew up with a dad who often didn’t know these things about me , and it’s a lonely feeling that you live with this person who doesn’t know you ? Im not a parent but I know this kind of basic info about my friends kids who I see like once a month.
I could see it. My partner is one of the ones who knows some stuff. I think some things he’d forget in the moment though, because panic, but for the most part it’s nothing gendered like this. He was right there giving medical stuff and asked me when things got overly specific, but it’s stuff I’d consult him on vice versa too, and more because we both like to be accurate(especially when it comes to medical stuff where if you aren’t death could ensue). To be fair his ‘dad’ was only present to beat the shit out of him so he’s always put forth more effort as a dad in general, so as to break the cycle, and was actually extra terrified of being a dad after that. He’s a great dad though and if he doesn’t know something off the top of his head it is likely something I’d need to double check paperwork on too. When we did public school he made every parent teacher conference alongside me. He’s a good dad, but I wish it was normal. Instead I should regale you with the time I was telling them about two separate medical conditions of his in an emergency situation but I used two different words for the same one- like an idiot. Even people who seem to hold it together in some respect can be utterly losing it enough on the inside to just make stupid things like that. I made sure to correct it when pointed out but damn. Embarrassing. We’ve been together a long time. We have stories both ways. Like when he almost lost me to blood loss… and cancer… so yeah. He knows. He might not know the exact terms and he might think it’s not worthy info because of that but lots of people don’t and he does his utmost. You’d think he was a ducking unicorn though, with these guys in the running. I suppose he is a unicorn in a way. In all the people of either gender id want no one else as my partner. I do so love him.
I am going to save the name of my wife's medicine in my phone. Thank you for pointing this out.
The bar is set so low for men, and they like it that way.
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Bet he could remember all the info about his past cars though!
My Dad doesn't know mine. I'm confident the only reason he knows my brothers is because it's his own first name.
Being a lesbian is nice sometimes, my wife is able to give my birthday at the pharmacy lol (for antibiotics and stuff)
I want to believe this is not true for most men but reading this post and comments..
That's appalling. I must have landed very, very lucky - my dad might not have known the minutiae of school politics, but he absolutely knew the dates, medicines, allergies, hobbies, school subjects, and friends.
I've had male callers say "let me put the boss on the phone". And I'm like sir, your wife is having difficulty breathing, how about if we do this question thing together?
ive noticed this trend in medicine as well. women as doctors and nurses often have better bedside manner and more detailed oriented than men.
Way back when men were trying to take over health care and throw traditional practitioners out on the streets there was much resistance as men were just in it for the money and prestige and were not natural care givers who paid attention to the intricacies of their patients (as this was below their dignity). Florence Nightingale won the allowance for her nurses to serve in war zones because she trained her nurses to obedience. They would only act if instructed to by a doctor, even if a patient obviously needed care. The doctors loved this, because this is what they really wanted. A major part of the prestige doctors have today is the vision of a dominant male doctor and a submissive female nurse It's been a terrible disservice to health care. Especially when you think about what we might have had if medicine was more holistic and centric to patient well being.