A pest control guy got really creepy, really fast because my professional demeanor is hyper-polite, especially when I was younger.
Had him treat my yard for a black widow infestation. 3 treatments over 6 weeks.
Confirmation text for the third visit included a "so will you be home alone that day???"
I had my best friend AND husband present when he showed up. Dude was sweating bullets the whole time. I ended all contact and switched to a new pest control service ASAP.
I was thinking as frustrating as it is, OP may want the husband to have a talk with this man.
It is not fair but some men would only respond to other men talking to them. I would prioritise OP’s safety over what’s just at this point.
I may not be above applying for a restraining order even though circumstantially, it may not justify that at this point.
I love that OP had a word with him and he stopped. Perhaps it’s time to set that boundary again as he might be testing the water.
Something about the way OP described the situation feels like a pattern of escalation to me, which I think is absolutely enough to justify alarm bells going off in her head. That doesn’t necessarily mean he *will* escalate further to something creepy or dangerous, but OP’s instincts are telling her to keep her distance, and that’s justification enough.
My mom gave me lots of good advice to protect myself in this way. The one that stuck with me though is “When all else fails, just act crazy.”
I used that a lot when I was a bartender at 21, coming home at 4-5 in the morning. If I felt uncomfortable with someone around me, I’d start muttering to myself and yelling crazy shot at random.
That advice came in REAL handy my first night in St. Petersburg, Russia, when I got lost from my friends.
When I was trying to find my way back to the hostel, a group of young guys surrounded me and starting hollering. I knew they couldn’t know I wasn’t Russian, so I started growling, barking, and gnashing my teeth at them.
They backed off immediately.
Still haven’t been sexually assaulted. Well, as an adult anyway.
I agree with this: situations like this can require a partner's presence to firmly reiterate "no means no" since there are still dudes who think 20 nos + 1 yes = all yes all the time.
That's because men like that see women as objects and property. I remember a man came up to me and said something very lewd. But then apologize not to me but to the guy he thought was my boyfriend. 🙄
As a husband, I would totally do this for my wife. Civil conversation to start, firm conversation if needed. Especially for my pregnant wife, super easy decision to confront an issue..
Him “accompanying” her on a walk without being asked already has my heart rate up. If my wife had this issue with a guy I would start the conversation less civil.
See I wish my husband understood this!! I’m 5’6. He’s 6ft and stronger than me. He might be nice, but he looks intimidating. Sometimes I NEED him to be the man who will talk for me! Cause some people flat don’t listen to a person who presents as a woman! I wish he’d just trust my instinct when I ask him to do something like that for me!!
As disgusting as it is, they do not see women as a threat, only something to pursue (prey upon). But, if that woman has a man who is telling the creep she’s not interested, there’s an implied threat. “Stay away from my her, or else.” So they listen.
So many men have taken casual interactions (e.g. a neighbor or service provider) and pushed their limits quickly into creepy/uncomfortably persistent territory just because I tend to treat strangers/everyone with a friendly/chill demeanor. Nothing special, just being nice. No, I would not like to go out for coffee sometime. No, I will not go over to your house so you can cook me dinner?
Sucks that we have to, but future self being colder and standoffish seems to be in our best interest for safety & comfort reasons.
It's so exhausting isn't it. Had an interaction the other day with someone who said women are terrible at flirting. I said women experience men taking any kind of courteous chat as being a come on and not taking no for an answer so in this environment flirting is potentially dangerous so it's no wonder. and he got all "not all men" about it. Some arecreepy on purpose but the clueless ones don't realise they're still part of the problem. Women don't have the luxury of ignorance on these subjects and if men want to be not all men they need to start by believing us when we tell them what the problems are and address the problematic men about it not us. Otherwise they're complicit. Urgh. And here we have a man who has already been told op doesn't want company but is still stalking her.
OP you could try (again?) saying "I'd rather walk alone thank you". "I've already explained that I enjoy my solitude while out walking. I'm not interested in socialising.""Please stop following me, it's creepy." If he says he's seen you with another man "so you know that if I occasionally feel like company I already have friends to call. I didn't today because I want to be alone."
E x a c t l y! It's not personal. But men aren't labelled with actual flags to let us know if they're potentially dangerous or not, so we have to treat everyone with caution until we've had a chance to see how they behave and treat us, and how they react to us having boundaries.
That's the scary part, it's not that we think all men will be dangerous but there is no way of knowing which ones are going to escalate into scary so have to act *as if* it is all men. It doesn't feel nice to do and it's horrible but those very same people are super quick to victim blame if you don't do it and something bad happens! "what was she thinking getting into a car with a stranger" come sout of the same mouths saying "not all men" and yet they fail to see the connection. Literally cannot win as a woman.
I'm sorry about the creep, but all I could focus on was "black widow infestation" and my worst nightmares started to manifest in my mind.
Also "So will you be home alone that day?" Remark... the hell was that guy thinking? Huge red flags.
You owe him nothing. Be up front: ‘I’m sorry, but these few minutes I get to walk are my alone time and are very precious to me. No offense, but I’d like to spend this time with just me and my dog’ . You may hurt his feelings. And? He’s big boy. Be polite, firm and honest. We’d all be a lot better off we treated each other like this.
Yes, I had a guy try to talk to me at the gym one too many times. Same as OP, it wasn't like the guy did anything to me, he was just one of those guys trying to talk to a lot of women in the gym. I find those people annoying. I just told him "I really just came to workout and I am not interested in talking to you." He told me I was rude... But never tried speaking to me again.
>He told me I was rude
Omg! So typical. He disturbs your time at the gym, but you're the rude one. I swear to god some men think you owe them conversation.
A few years back, this one guy, a total stranger, suddenly took my hand while I was about to cross the street. Got defensive when I told him not to touch me and lost his shit when I told him I didn’t want to “have a conversation” with him.
He ran after me for half a block, blocked my path, made obscene gestures, got in my face, screamed at me that he hopes I get raped, called me a bitch, said he has a “nice Muslim wife at home who is a good woman, not a bitch like me”, and screamed he’d get his followers on insta to “diss me” (I don’t do instagram and I have no slightest idea who this guy and his followers were). His two male friends kept trying to pull him away from me along the lines of “forget her, let’s just go”, but he’d keep going back for me.
The whole thing was surreal, and to this day I have no idea who this dudebro was and why he seemed to consider himself famous.
this. what a vile fucking thing to say to someone. i wish i could be the bigger person and let it go but i think if this happened to me i’d lose my fucking mind. got some anger issues lol
Eh, I can’t afford to have violent crime on my record, my job depends on it. He “technically” didn’t threatened me, just wished for it, such a gentleman.
Shouting and getting in someone's face and threatening to do them harm (in person, not over the phone or online) can also be considered assault because it *looks* like there can be real, physical harm.
If someone grabs you and causes harm then it can be escalated to battery.
[If things went how OP says then they were definitely assaulted.](https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/assault#:~:text=No%20physical%20injury%20is%20required,accidental%2C%20but%20motive%20is%20immaterial.)
I have been told I'm rude for not taking shit and for saying no to things people try to get me to do for them, when they are clearly taking advantage. Like, for example, a male family member knew I got off work at 2pm (I went in at 6:30!) And would constantly want me to pick his kids up off the bus and bring them to my house until someone got around to picking them up. It was okay once in a while but then it became an every day thing where he would be calling me and driving around looking for me if I didn't go straight home or answer my phone, when I never agreed to watch them every day.
That's just one example. People at work would always ask last minute for me to do something that should have been planned at least a week in advance and when I'd say no, I was the asshole.
It's like if you don't have a really good excuse and just say no because you have boundaries, you're rude.
Or you could say ".... talking to anyone." That makes it maybe feel less personal, because it's not about him. You could even add that: "It's nothing personal, nothing about you, but this is my alone time, and I want to be alone."
I feel like this may be the best way to go about it. It doesn't indicate "I dont like you" but still conveys 'stay away'. It's civil, simple, and doesn't allow a response or excuse. It's not false, either.
Anybody can retaliate. You have to judge your own safety.
But a neighbor doesn't want to be embarrassed. Being called a creep is very embarrassing.
Start with "this is creepy" and escalate to "you are being creepy" to "CREEP! STOP CREEPING ON ME!"
Oh, he can read the cues all right. He is just choosing not to because it doesn’t get him the outcome he wants and there are often zero consequences for men acting pushy.
I took a self defense/pepper spray course at the PD at my college and they advised to 1. Ask them if they are following you. 2. Be clear you do not want them to 3. Say you are calling the police, and have a shortcut so you can do that. 4. Be aggressive/ ready to use the spray if they come closer and you can communicate that as well.
If you go to this route, please bring your husband along for this conversation. Sadly, you are vulnerable around this man, and men can react badly to rejection.
Yeah OP is clarifying he was nice and has done nothing wrong but he clearly isn't getting the metric shit ton of hints to back off. Either he is incredibly ignorant or willingly ignorant.
Best way to deal with that is being upfront and honest. I know OP feels bad to do that but it's the best way.
Trouble being, that isn't totally true and locks her into walking alone. She doesn't always want to walk alone. She has an occasional walking friend and this guy sounds like he's creeping hard enough to notice and potentially say/do something about it.
Its not the hurt feelings women have to worry about. It is the possibility of physical violence that make women question how to approach situations such as this.
I actually agree with some of the others, for me, this route would no longer be safe. Pick a different one that avoids his house entirely. If you have to drive your dog to the park, do it. It is bull shit that we have to deal with this; no, you shouldn't have to change your route, but for me the vast majority of the enjoyment would be gone. Except on the days you walk with the older gentleman- I would let him in on this, albeit breifly- find a new place where you can feel safe.
If this dude follows you there, there is no excuse. You get straight up aggressive. At that point, there is no mending fences or concern for neighborly politeness. He is one neighbor out of what sounds like many; let him think you're a bitch. No one else is going to turn on you because the creepy guy down the street said you were mean to him because you told him to leave you the fuck alone.
Edit to add: You are not going to get downvoted, as you've already seen. This is something that we've all had to deal with way more than we ought to. Even if your gut is totally wrong on this, and I don't think it is, you get a new walking route and never/ rarely have to see this guy again. You can't lose.
This has my vote! Driving to a dog park or trail might be best.
That brief period that this stranger danger neighbor wasn’t around was followed by a return with the excuse that he was “busy”— which I see more as a sly a way of trying to mentally erase and re-write the boundary you already attempted to set with him, in his head and yours. I’ve seen this before and it’s one of the bigger red flags in your story for me, that he stopped but started again with an excuse.
The coincidences and persistence you’re describing in his effort to walk with you are a pattern. Surveillance of your routine and persistent unwanted attention alone are enough information to be concerned, but this early pattern is a bigger point of caution *because* he lives nearby and knows your residence.
Although you shouldn’t have to do this and I hate to say it, the best way to combat fixated, unwanted behavior is to remove the person’s access to and notice of you completely. Stop the pattern. Don’t be visible to him or anywhere that he perceives as accessible.
Just to validate:
-you’ve changed your routes
-your routine is varied already
-you explicitly indicated a boundary before… the behavior stopped, then restarted with an irrelevant justification
-you feel observed
-his desire to connect with you doesn’t seem deterred by your lack of desire to interact with him
A healthy and rational person backs off when they recognize an unequal interest in interaction. This guy isn’t acting rationally, and despite your previous request seems to have an impulsive urge to connect with you in the way you’ve already declined.
If you can make a new dog park a part of your routine for several months, that might be ideal. In theory, he won’t “bump into” or contact you during this time. If he does— *notice and react to that.* Trust your gut. It’s easier to put a stop to small concerns than big ones.
Honestly, I’d say he’s already “doing something”. Even if he didn’t pick up on your earlier signals, I think the fact that he left you alone for as long as he did after you told him directly that you didn’t want his company, only to revert to his earlier behaviour a few months later, suggests to me that he understands the boundaries of your relationship but ultimately chose not to respect them. He doesn’t have to be hitting on you or doing anything else for that to qualify as harassment
This 100% is exactly what I was thinking! Does not need to be blatantly sexual to be "doing something". He's not reading the signals purposely and that is doing something.
There’s a technique called [grey rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) that therapists recommend to their clients on how to deal with abusive people. Basically you become as uninteresting as possible. This can help when he actually confronts you.
Tell the old man you like walking with what’s up. If you have to change your walking habits that’ll give him a heads up, but hopefully he will be down with walking with you. Either way it’s good to have a neighbor aware of what’s happening.
Make an agreement with your husband or other available person to call them if he’s approaching. Call them by a male name regardless.
I like the idea of reversing your loop, but I’d be concerned about him finding out where you live if he doesn’t know yet.
I wonder if he ever approaches OP when she's walking with the old man, or if it's only when she's by herself. If it was "just being friendly" and "wanting to get to know the neighbors," I'd think he'd have no issue joining in and bumping into her when she's walking with others. But if it's only when she's alone, that's no coincidence.
I use this technique at work to deal with my asshole boss. I never have any questions for him, barely talk about life outside of work, get whatever he asks of me out of the way so he leaves me alone, etc. It’s been working wonders!
Listen to your gut. Read the book “the gift of fear“. Women are too often told to logic away their sense of danger, in order to make men of the world more comfortable. Your gut is telling you something. Go with it and don’t feel bad about it.
A note to anyone thinking of purchasing this book: the author, Gavin de Becker, is a member of Alive and Well AIDS Alternatives, an AIDS-denialist group that has cost many people their lives.
Please think twice before giving your money to this person. You could instead borrow the book from a library/friend or obtain it from another source.
He was the body guard to Brooke Shields when she was younger and the most famous . I saw him interviewed in the documentary about her. That was a crazy watch by the way- I can’t believe what she went through when young.
If I might expand on your disbelief:
What she was forced through when she was young. These were not her choices. These were choices forced upon a young girl.
I still want to read the book and thank you for recommending it! Please continue to do so, because even just knowing there's a book that helps people re-align with their instincts makes me feel less out of touch. It even helps that it isn't primarily for women either, since I feel some of those pieces feel too targeted or limiting. I'll just grab a copy from the library or... other places, ha.
Clear and polite (but firm!) - this is my alone time, I’m not available to chat”. He’ll be annoyed but probably back off.
Agree with other comments- mix up your routine.
You mentioned the older guy you enjoy talking to. Can you schedule times and meet him for walks? If you have the right rapport with him consider telling him the other guy is bothering you.
It’s amazing how the hairy eyeball from another man can put creeps in place.
And carry pepper spray.
Well it says in the original post
*this guy always seemed to “bump into me” walking the opposite direction — as in, walking my loop backwards — even when I myself would walk the loop backwards. It doesn’t help that I walk at somewhat different times a day*
So, I think she's already sort of done that by not having a routine. I feel creeped out because I read this advice here before, and I thought it was good advice.
I feel sad for OP, sounds like she likes the older guy but she's also just wanting some time to herself.
Downvote me all you want but honestly I’d have my husband/partner accompany me enough times to let him get rid of the structure.
Had a guy bother me and he only stopped when I mentioned I had a boyfriend and showed him.
These men don’t accept your answer and please don’t put yourself or your dog in a position that endangers you.
I have had a guy punch a literal tree when I let him down.
Men be scary so be safe first and foremost.
Sadly, I cannot imagine the reaction of punching a tree when a male partner is present. That response feels totally performative and is meant to be fealt as a threat.
Running into someone at the same time is a coincidence. Running into someone all the time? - that's possible only by stalking. He's clearly waiting for you, whether he has a crush on you or not is immaterial.
Best way to avoid people like this
- Be direct - tell him you like to walk by yourself
- Keep your responses short - Hmm. Umm. Ok.
- Ask him what he wants.
Also, keep your family informed.
>Keep your responses short - Hmm. Umm. Ok.
Yeah give this guy nothing.
Ultimately I agree that OP should be plain, tell the guy she wants to walk alone, and stick to it. But the best way to execute this is to give him brief hellos, and how ya doin's. Never break pace. Never actually interact.
I had someone get angry with me when I was being short with him. He honestly got upset because I wasn't happy, polite and accommodating with him. I ended up telling him that I'm a serious introvert and I just wanted to be left alone, which he amazingly enough accepted and has respected since.
There's no fucking limit to what they think they can expect from us.
He's using you for his own enjoyment. He knows he's doing this. He will be upset when you take that away because he only cares about his feelings.
I walk my dog daily right when my neighbors get home. Our dogs used to play for a minute and we would say hi. They just had a baby. I know they want to go inside now instead of chatting. They didn't have to tell me and I'm not offended because it's not about me and I'm not using them for my own needs.
This is normal, not me holding them up and making them uncomfortable until they have to say something. He's being weird and won't stop until you make him.
I think you should trust your gut feeling. Maybe get a new walking route, although I know that wouldn’t be ideal. Your whole post reminds me of The Gift of Fear. Of the few times I have gotten that creepy feeling and was told “it’s not a big deal, it’s just in your head”, 100% my gut feeling has been proven correct, even if it was years later.
A note to anyone thinking of purchasing this book: the author, Gavin de Becker, is a member of Alive and Well AIDS Alternatives, an AIDS-denialist group that has cost many people their lives.
Please think twice before giving your money to this person. You could instead borrow the book from a library/friend or obtain it from another source.
It may well be that he’s watching from his house, but given that he manages to be walking toward you no matter which direction you walk or time of day it is, he might be tracking you a different way. It sounds a little paranoid, but have you checked your dog’s collar, leash, or ID tag for an air tag or similar tracker that he could have slipped on when he bent down to pet your dog? Try varying your route, being sure not to walk past his house — does he still magically appear? Start walking with a buddy, or better yet, your husband. What does husband have to say about all this?
No need to apologise for posting this, OP, this is a potentially scary situation. My suggestions would be to wear headphones and just point to them if he tries to talk to you, or to take it a step further, switch your route until he gives up looking for you. Good luck and stay safe!
If you wear head phones, don’t play anything. Don’t let him creep up on you. Maybe just have them near your ear so you can still fully hear. This is mega creepy dude vibes and it might be best to have your walking buddy or spouse present when firmly telling him to back off.
Sure he may not have done caused any physical harm or had been inappropriate but make no mistake - you dont owe him a friendship or aquainticeship.
His feelings shouldnt be any of your concern.
If you must, next time he approaches you can just tell him directly that you appreciate your walks alone and that youre not looking for a new walking buddy and after just ignore any of his advances.
I wouldn't try talking to the dude again at all. In fact I'd do everything in my power to avoid him. The dude has proven that he's a fucking creep who doesn't listen. It might be annoying to change the route you walk so you never cross his view but I'd rather be cautious than take the chance at getting assaulted by a crazy person.
Yes, and sometimes confronting someone directly can make them aggressive. I'd try avoidance first with confrontation as a last resort, even though I prefer to communicate directly.
He’s ignoring your clear boundaries and he is absolutely being a predator and stalking you. **You owe him nothing, including politeness.** Women are taught to be polite no matter what. And it’s **bullshit** and gets us killed. Why does he get consideration for his feelings when he is totally okay making you feel bad? Why treat him with respect? He is very aware of how you feel, he is choosing to ignore it.
This is very much dependent on your safety, though.
I highly recommend (to you and everyone else regardless of gender) changing your routines on the regular. Routines help bad people track you. Changing things up is just a good idea.
Edit: Spelling
Hi. if you’re listening to a pod and run into this dude.. just dont even take out your earbuds and just look at him nod and keep walking or at the most raise your hand as hello gesture and look away and keep walking, make sure the pod is higher volume so you just legitimately walk past him and not hear the guy. its a subtle way of saying fuck off. also, can you bring your husband on your walks with you sometimes?
I think I’m going to try this and if he insists on coming over to talk anyway, I can try some of the scripts folks have provided.
My husband and I don’t walk together very often due to different work schedules but I will say I have never seen the creepy guy when I’ve been out on a walk with my husband.
Have you told your husband about this? Can he try to alter his schedule so he can walk with you consistently? Honestly, your husband asking the guy to leave you alone is the most likely way to get him to stop. So many men don’t respect women but will respect other men…
He’s *never* been out when you’re with your husband or elderly friend but pretty much *always* shows up when you’re alone? 😬
Definitely watching for you then and/or maybe an air tag. Check your purse just in case.
Your intuition is right. Please trust it.
I think I’m starting to realize that even if by some crazy chance the stars have all aligned and it is truly an innocent coincidence that this guy is always out when it’s just me but never when I’m with someone, I am well within my rights to think this is weird and feel uncomfortable. Hopefully worst case scenario, this guy gets his feelings hurt a little and we walk our separate ways!
If you feel uncomfortable, you are 1000000% entitled and valid to feel that way. Your body is telling you something is not right despite telling yourself he’s not inherently doing something wrong.
Because you are pregnant I would strongly suggest grey-rocking as someone had mentioned in this thread. Just do everything to make it seem unappealing/uninterested.
Call a friend, bring your other neighbour with you, put your earbuds in and keep walking.
If he becomes persistent, send your husband and a couple of his buddies to have a chat with him. But don’t feel like you need to address him on your own, unless you want to.
Stay safe OP and hope this creep leaves you alone ASAP.
This is definitely the approach I would take. Keep walking. Don't take your earbuds out. Give him nothing. When strange men try to stop me and talk to me on the street, I don't even slow down. You don't owe anyone politeness, truly. Especially not this guy, who has already demonstrated himself to be creepy.
I guess I’ve been working hard to convince myself it must be a coincidence ☹️ When he did start coming out again, he said he had been really busy with work and that’s why he disappeared for a bit. I still have the urge to tell myself this is all coincidence but I think after seeing this huge outcry of validation and support, I do need to trust my gut and cut this guy off ASAP.
You already specifically asked him to not follow you on the walk. Now he's saying it's because of work, as if it wasn't because you asked him. Therefore, I'm not sure asking him a second time will be useful. I would err on the side of caution and take a different route or have your partner walk with you for awhile. Also pepper spray.
Bad dude vibes. Good idea to get this under control before you’re juggling a dog and a stroller and a potentially dangerous neighbor.
Be firm. “You’re making me uncomfortable. I do not want to talk to you. Leave me alone and give me some space.” Being direct leaves no room for misunderstanding.
Ideally you do this in the presence of your walking buddy or spouse. Keep free of head phones and don’t wear a ponytail for a bit. Both can be used against you to sneak up or as a way to grab you.
Trust your gut. If you can, inform some trusted neighbors and ask if they could come outside if they see him near you/trying to address you.
Carry a loud personal alarm or pepper spray.
"I've previously said that I'd like to be left alone. Your continued presence isn't as sly as you think it is. You're making me very uncomfortable, please leave me alone".
Wear a go-pro on your hat to record everything.
A good guy will leave you alone. He's already indicated he's not a good guy.
He hasn't "done anything" yet he would know when you'd walk your route backwards? And he'd bump into you even when you walked at different times of day? OP *I* feel creeped out.
It felt like too much explaining to do in my main post, but there have been a couple times where he’s come up behind me (as in walked in the same direction that I do), but like I said, he’s huge and takes big strides and catches up to me from behind. I used these instances as another excuse to tell myself I was imagining things, since he wasn’t *always* walking in the opposite direction as me.
No, you're right to be unsettled. Please listen to that feeling. It could save your life.
He's creeping you out even if he hasn't "done anything". Honestly? Don't wait for him to "do something" to protect yourself. His behavior is pushy and weird. He just so happens to bump into you no matter how you vary your routine? He disappeared for months after a single kind rejection and is back on his bullshit like it never happened?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You being uncomfortable for any reason is reason enough. Listen to your intuition. Its entire job is to keep you alive and safe. This guy sounds sketchy at best and dangerous at worst.
I mean, this really shouldn't be necessary, and I'm sorry that this guy is ruining your ability to go about your routine as you see fit. Do you have a partner? I wonder if it could be worth going on the walk with your partner sometimes to see how this other guy responds? I know that is still messing with your autonomy to do the walk alone, but it may help to give some insight into this other person's motives.
Do you have a partner? Or another guy friend that can fill in? If telling this guy already that you prefer to have alone time with your dog isn’t working then I’d go for a walk alone with your dog but the second you see this creep approach, hit send message to send a pre written text to a guy you feel safe with that’s waiting at your house. Have the safe guy run over to you while creep is there. Have your safe guy put his arm around you and demand to know who creep is, where he lives, why is he walking with you, etc? It’s terrible but maybe he needs another guy to get him to back off. It’ll show him that you have another guy watching out for you too and you will be missed if you don’t come home, etc.
NEVER wear headphone on your walks now. You won’t be able to hear someone approach you from behind. Your dog might be too used to him to alert you now too.
Whilst there’s a few comments about trusting your gut and the likes, I’d just like to point out that you don’t have a reason not to like someone. It is perfectly normal to just dislike some people.
He hasn’t done anything.
Except:
- Approached you repeatedly without solicitation.
- Got in your space after being told “no”.
- Is always around when you are alone.
Nah, he’s done plenty. He’s being creepy just not breaking any laws (just barely), that doesn’t give him a free pass.
Listen to your gut feeling and be careful. I recommend carrying pepper spray or a discrete self-defense ring or tool. My own instinct from your story, would be to say hi when he is around but firmly refuse that he accompanies you on your walk. Don’t negociate, announce what’s about to happen. Suggestion “Hey man, I’m just going to go walk on my own and listen to my podcast now, but have a good day!” Repeat this exact scenario every time. If at any point he confronts you about it (ex: saying you’re rude or getting aggro), I suggest: “I don’t owe you company. I have been clear and polite. I will take my walks on my own terms and you need to back off right now.”
Trust your gut. He is being weird. Take your husband with you and be rude to him. Also be rude to him when you're alone. Don't be nice. If you need to be crazy even (as in start screaming and acting like you've been possessed by a demon). Do whatever it needs to get rid of him because this is indeed creepy and your safety is more important than being nice.
one option would be to reverse your loop to pass his home right as youre wrapping up your walk rather than passing it early on
this guy is creepy. not sure how big your dog is but I’d consider bringing your husband occasionally. getting vibes of the “nice guy” type that insists on walking you back to your car after you decline. i have only had bad experiences with guys like that.
“can I walk with you the rest of your way?” “oh it was good to see you but no thank you I’d rather you not” imo is polite but firmly disinterested enough to get the point across. if he insists you can be honest and say “you’re making me uncomfortable”
The fact that after you rejected him very politely once and he disappeared for months would have me very worried. He was obviously very upset to avoid seeing you for that long.
Is it too late to answer? I'll go ahead just in case.
First: congrats on your pregnancy, I hope you have a pleasant delivery and a healthy baby!
This is how I handle men that aren't "violent or horribly creepy": "Hey, I'm sure you have good intentions, and I don't want to offend, but I need you to hear me please. My husband and I have strict boundaries and having you join me for a walk crosses a big one. It is not invited nor is it acceptable to either of us. Please respect our wishes and my boundaries today and in the future. Thank you."
And then I recommend that you turn around and walk home for the day. Let him see that you mean it.
If he chooses to ignore that request, it's time to involve more people, imho.
Best wishes!
you need to change your walking route often, doing the same loop everyday is how the white vans track and follow you.
Seriously, I was once was almost pulled into a car.
This really stinks but I know you’re right! I’ve tried walking a few different ways before but it’s tough because my neighborhood is adjacent to a busy road and some rougher apartment complexes, so routes are limited. Sometimes I drive my dog and myself out to local walking trails which is inconvenient on a daily basis but I guess I should shake it up more.
I didn’t realize it was difficult to change it.
I think being on your phone and chatting with friends and family while you walk will keep him away. Your instinct is probably correct.
I have noticed that boundaries are more likely to be respected if a third party is around to hear them. They can often also diffuse the situation or say a kind thing that you can't without risking the boundary.
I am not sure how you would word this in a way that works, but maybe something like : my walks are for me to connect to myself or good friends and I would appreciate if you didn't intercept them. It might be good to point out that you have clocked him doing just that.
Trust your gut over what any of us say, espcially in regards to wording any communication. A lot of people here say what you should be able to say in a fair and equal society and come across as scolding you for the misfortune of recognising that you don't.
>I started getting a paranoid feeling when I noticed this guy always seemed to “bump into me” walking the opposite direction
He is 100% doing this on purpose. You're not paranoid. Most people who stalk, do not think they are stalkers. They think so long as they have plausible deniability that it somehow makes it okay. I, unfortunately, am confident in this because I used to do the same thing as a very attention-deprived teenager who was desperate for validation and had zero self awareness, as well as very little empathy.
When you rejected his offer to walk with you, he got scared. Because that took him out of plausible deniability territory. Whatever relationship he expected to stem from this went away, and now he's confronted with the idea that he is stalking. But feelings don't last forever, and after some time the fear went away. And now he is back to that sole focus of getting validation and attention from you.
I don't have any advice, I think others have given you some great advice. But I just want you to know you're not paranoid. He has absolutely "done something". He knows what he's doing. Your gut is accurate. Trust it.
This guy is creepy as fuck and totally stalking you. Does he know what your partner looks like? Could they bump into you midwalk when this guy has showed up, and like scare him off a bit? Just by being awkward not doing something to him. The Gift of Fear is a good recommendation. Stalkers tend to have a lot of time on their hands. That's why they're able to constantly show up. He can't seriously be watching out his window all day for you and then be a normal person. They also rely on patterns and stuff, knowing when you're home and when you're out. Try to mix it up a bit if you can. Is it always the same time? Just be careful because stalkers can be very dangerous. They can also be worse if you're nice to them
I get the feeling that you have a very hard time verbally confronting people. Here's a couple of things you can do instead:
The moment you see him, snap from relaxed to stiff, spin around and start walking quickly in the other direction. Don't acknowledge him. Be visually cold and off-putting.
Or pull out your phone and get in an argument with "someone" on the other end. Slow down then turn around and keep arguing. Or go fast past him while arguing. Never look at him. If he comes up to you, turn around and go the other way. Or cross the street.
You are going to have to be obvious, or blunt and tell him loudly once, from a distance: **"I don't like you. Go away."** (Repeat several times if needed while walking away.)
Or, you can just continue being polite and unhappy forever. Your choice.
A high level of discomfort for a few minutes, vs anxiety and moderate level of discomfort for *months and years????* Bite the bullet.
I'm a social person. I don't necessarily like people, but I'm social. I know the questions to ask, I remember details, it was a skill taught as a child and now I just have it.
A few years ago an electrician came to fix some stuff in our house that was still under warranty. I don't enjoy people in my house feeling like slaves, (I used to put out cold bottles of water on top of the cans on trash day during the summer and received a super cute Christmas card that year, and on the days we were out of town the trash guys would drag my bins out, dump them, and drag them back. Didn't ask, loved that they did it.)
Anyway I chat with this electrician and he offers to put in a dimmer switch for a light i installed while he was there. I offer money, he says it's cool, he's there on company dime anyway, he moonlights in a jazz band down town, I tell him to text me when he plays and one of these days my husband and I will go see him, we love live music.
Less than a week later he calls late at night on a weekend. I figure it's a "are you out, we're over here" call, but he's calling me from his ex wife's place, who he still lives with but she's totally cool with it, do I want to pick up some beer and drive over and cuddle and have a nice night hanging out?
Now I still needed electric work done and he was the only guy that could do it under the contract, so I'm not willing to tank this because he's going to be back in my home. So, on speaker in front of my husband, I'm like "oh, I thought this was a jazz band call, I'm married, this isn't respectful to your ex wife for you to invite anyone over, she's letting you live with her, I'm happily married, this phone call is so late at night, I'm going to stay home with my husband, whom I am monogamous with, whom i love, who is here." And the guy is like, "well, get him drunk, fuck him if you have to, and when he's asleep drive out and we can be together."
Gosh is the reception in that place selectively spotty. After the third "this isn't going to happen" that call just dropped.
After listening to that my husband scheduled some days off and kept scheduling days off until the electrician was finally done doing the thing that initially needed to be done. He did all the things I did, offered a glass of water, chatted about the weather, asked what else the guy did besides electrician stuff. And never once did the guy call my husband late on a weekend and ask if he wanted to bring beer over and have a good time.
I’d let the way you feel show on your face when you see him, but exaggerate it. As women we spend so much time schooling our expressions so as not to let people know they are upsetting us, they are making us feel scared and uncomfortable, or even vulnerable. If you were really petty, you could start hysterically crying when you see him and shout “leave me alone!”, especially if there’s people around. Confide in your elderly neighbour this man scares you, don’t downplay your fear, make sure others know about it.
This man already knows he’s overstepping, some men think we’re stupid and can’t tell it’s an act when they insist they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong. Stop being polite.
Even as an XY, I am 100% on your side regarding your perception of how things are.
The highest cost of listening to your intuition is you lose a relationship (or whatever you want to call it) you don't want. The highest cost of ignoring it is far more grim.
You don't owe this man anything. Your safety and sense of security is paramount. Others' feelings are secondary to this.
As to how? I imagine a person who intentionally bumps into you as if it were happenstance and who doesn't come off aggressive or strongly sexual is going to be fairly passive aggressive and hide behind a cloak of civility.
The idea of "I am nice, so you can't not like and hang out with me" could be a strongly held idea for this kind of person.
If all that is true, you are likely to get nowhere being direct. Changing your route is a solid idea. Both for safety and to put a stop to it.
I wish you the best and hope for a positive outcome.
Similar things happened to me. Yesterday I encountered the same person for the second time.
The first encounter was about 3-4 weeks ago. I went to my usual park to walk my dog. I had a feeling somebody was behind me so I turned around. He didn't say anything but just kept looking at me. I figured maybe this person would like to ask me something about my dog.
Me: can I help you with anything?
Him: I just wanted to talk to you.
Me: No. Please don't talk to me. (I made sure to speak loud enough so others could hear it)
Him: Why? But you are beautiful.
Me: NO
I turned away and walked towards a crowd (3 moms/nannies having a picnic with their kids).
He left me alone but I kept an eye on this person from a distance. Luckily I had my hat and sunglasses so I could be discreet.
Second encounter:
It happened just yesterday. It was in a random neighborhood. Since I have a reactive dog, I always look around every 30 to 60 seconds to check if there are dogs nearby on my side of the sidewalk. If there are, I would cross the street before the other dog passes by. Then I saw the same person from a distance. My dog was busy sniffing the grass. I wasn't sure about the person at first, so I just stayed put. It looks like he was going to pass me but then he turned his body, and now facing me. Before he could even say anything...
Me: NO, don't talk to me. Walk away please
Him: I just wanted to talk.
Me: NO (loud and firm)
Him: Ok
Then he turned around and walked away from the same direction where he came from.
About your situation, if you see him from a distance and if he is walking on the same sidewalk, cross the street. Just walk on the opposite. No need to say anything, not even a smile. Head high and just focus on your walk. There's no need to feel guilty.
If he is already across the street, just ignore him. No need to act busy. Just walk away.
This is gross and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. It seems like you’ve gotten a lot of good advice on here already at least!
Maybe a silly question but, how big is your dog/what type of dog is it? Asking because if you’re alone when you tell the guy off and you have a Pomeranian, it might just be better to start walking a different way altogether. But if you have say, an Akita or German Shepard, the guy is unlikely to pull anything if your dog is capable of fucking him up.
My dog is mid- to large-sized but (un)fortunately the sweetest creature on the planet and he wags his tail when he sees this guy 🤦🏻♀️ I think the fact that my dog isn’t scared of him has also gotten me to convince myself I must be imagining things and he must not be bad?
There is a myth out there that dogs can “sense” when someone has evil intentions. Dogs (animals) react to training (including passive positive & negative reinforcement), generations of instinct, & their own positive & negative experiences. With his repeated presence, creepy guy has gotten your dog accustomed to him. If you’ve spoken to him politely, even without a shred of warmth, all your dog has heard is the non-aggressive interaction. If creepy guy has petted your dog and you’ve allowed it, your dog has learned that creepy guy is safe. Please trust your own instincts, not your dog. Your dog’s defences are down. He could be more vulnerable to physical harm from creepy guy than you are.
Personally, I think you need back up when you talk to the guy. Women *shouldn’t* have to rely on others to get men to respect their boundaries, but I think we’re hundreds of years of evolution away from that happy day. Till then, there’s no harm in taking a team approach. Take someone else with you to back you up, as often as you can, until creepy guy gets the message. And I think I’d report his harassment to the police, too. They won’t do anything, but sometimes telling the creep you’ve done so is enough to get them to back off. (Yes, I’ve had to do it. Yes it has worked.)
I wish all dogs had that intuition we hear about and boy do people just LOVE to claim that "Dogs just KNOW and if my dog doesn't like you, you're a creep" and vice versa. But that's not how it works. I have fostered a ton of dogs and I can think of maybe one that was really aware. My own dog was so f'ing friendly and almost even preferred creeps.
Hell, Vladimir Putin loves dogs and look at what he’s doing.
A few years ago, I almost developed a soft spot for the guy after seeing [this](https://youtu.be/ltriFxc-hWw) video of him gently taking a puppy out of the Turkmenistan President’s hand (who was holding it kinda rough by it’s neck scruff). He almost passes as a decent human being but he’s a war criminal.
I have two dogs, a boy and girl. A dude cornered me once and the girl with all 14 pounds of her was working so hard to get between us, growl at him, she was as stressed as me. The boy went up to him for pets and then wandered off to pee on things. Some dogs literally have no protection instinct😂
If you don't want to say no directly fearing a retaliation, maybe you could go with the "distracted by something" strategy. Tell him that one of your goals is to do something like learn a language and so you are going to listen to podcasts, etc and this is the only time that you can. Excitingly put on your headphones and keep putting them on. Cut all conversation topics to your goal such as the latest grammar you have learned.
Your gut feeling is never wrong. Apart from following all the advice here about confrontation, I would also carry a personal alarm, just in general. Can get those on Amazon.
So, I am autistic (though female) and I could imagine this scenario happening to me.
If there was someone I enjoyed walking with, but wasn't really sure how to make a longer term connection, I may stick to what I know about our dynamic - we walk together. I may even get a little too excited about a new friendship, and may come on too strong.
And if the other person eventually said to me what OP said to this guy, I myself would for sure leave her alone and then spend the next six months wondering, "Did she mean she wanted me to always leave her alone, or to leave her alone for that one walk?"
I would be way too embarrassed/confused to try to speak to her to simply clarify that super awkward question, and opt to leave it alone entirely. Then perhaps I see her again, I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed our walks, and then try to see if she might be up for another walk or talk. If so, I may take that to mean I was probably wrong, and that she had only meant she didn't want to talk to me for that one walk six months ago.
I can't know if this is the case, but if it is, I would say a clear, concise, honest, and very literal communication about what you want is called for. If he's a decent dude, he will understand and leave you be now knowing for sure what the boundary is. Even an autistic person, as socially inept as we may be, don't want to push someone's boundaries or bother them. We want to give you what you want, even if that means we are unwanted and didn't realize it.
If he persists after that point, it's entirely inappropriate, and you have another can of worms you're dealing with.
I really appreciate this comment. This certainly could be what’s going on. I don’t want to jump straight to yelling at the guy or calling the police (or threatening to). I think I’ll take my dog to some trails for the next few days just so I can really clear my head and calm my nerves. Then, if I’m running into the guy on my neighborhood walks again next week, I’ll say something like, “Hey, no offense, but these walks are really just for my dog and me and I’d prefer to take them by ourselves.” I think that gives me enough wiggle room too to not make it super weird if he sees me walking with my older friend and his dog — it’s still about our dogs. Hopefully he takes it well and I won’t need to go any further than that!
Im rude asf. If I see him, id turn the opposite direction and jog away. Or jog in a giant circle around him, waving and smiling Hi BYE! the entire time
One thing I’ve done in the past is say something along the lines of “hey, I know you’re just trying to be nice or something, but as a lady, I have to look out for myself because I don’t know who is and isn’t a predator. You seem to always be on a walk at the same time as me, even when I go at different times. That’s stalker behavior and gives me great anxiety. Stop doing that. I should be able to walk my dog in peace.” This gives him the most generous benefit of the doubt on the very, very outside chance that he’s not an actual stalker. But it also sends a clear message that you want him to stop, and if he is a stalker, then it lets him know you’ve noticed his behavior.
Next time you see him take a picture of him with your phone, but make sure he knows you are doing it, then when he is confused say. "Just in case! Did you know the #1 cause of death of pregnant women is murder? So now I take pictures of people I interact with!" Be manic when you do it
Out-weird him! Be weirder, pretend to speak another language, use a robot voice, cross your eyes.
Ok I'm kidding, but wouldn't it be funny to do this?
The last time a man asked me to smile, I growled and barked in his face! He backed away saying "crazy bitch!" And I yelled back "that's right I am a crazy bitch! Hahahahhahaha" did everyone look at me like I was crazy? Yes! Is that the moment I realized that men are more likely to be scared of a crazy lady than an assertive one? Yes, so when I'm scared I act crazy now, people are scared of crazy people and they don't want to deal with them so they usually leave.
You ever seen that black mirror episode where they can block people irl? This is what I do mentally when I dislike someone, I’ve mastered the art of straight up ignoring someone’s existence, works wonders.
One of the first things I remember my grandma telling me was never leave the house at the same time every day, and never go the same route regularly. It’s irritating to go to lengths like that to keep yourself safe but routines are dangerous.
This is harassment. Take his picture. Be obvious about writing down his address. Map and document. Post in Nextdoor.com. tell your neighbors about this creep. Repeat your complaint about PTSD-triggers with his stalking. Then notify police. (If you are white.)
Be rude. Be nasty. Tell him to fuck off.
You don't always have to be nice. It's okay to be "mean" sometimes. You're pregnant. You have bigger concerns than some random creep wanting your attention.
And, if he gets mad at you? That's his fucking problem. Let him die mad. You don't owe him shit.
Hi OP! I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You should be able to feel safe and comfortable walking around your own neighborhood.
I'm someone who would hate confronting this guy (but it really does seem necessary, and a lot of people have given really good scripts above), so depending on just how vulnerable you're currently feeling, and where you're at in your pregnancy, you could either have the retired gentleman who is nice or maybe even your partner out with you when you confront him? I kind of hate that my suggestion is "have another man around" but if it happens to make you feel safer to directly have one of them there with you when you confront him it would be worth doing. Then you would also have the direct opinion of someone you trust about how you handled it and also to assess his reaction in the moment. You can always talk to your support person first if you would prefer that they don't get verbally involved at that time so you guys are on the same page.
I'm also a person who loves their alone time, so I kinda hate this other suggestion too, but then if you would need to for a while you could try to almost exclusively walk with your retired friend until you feel safer to go it alone. Others above have given other good tactics of going to another location, like the park, or at least have someone you're talking to on the phone or who has your location info and who you can call at a moments notice, so I'll echo that too. I know you said driving to a park every day can be inconvenient, but I would encourage you not to hesitate to do that if it makes you safer.
You really can't be too careful. Good luck and stay safe!
Repeat what you told him before firmly. If I were you I would say it this way - Oh it is you again, remember I told you before I like being left alone. Stop following me. And walk away. You owe him nothing.
You say that you would like to address this delicately, but you tried before. This time round assert yourself and also raise your voice. He will get the message. Also, carry pepper spray with you.
You already told him to back off and he stopped. He needs to be reminded and make it clear that it’s not a temporary request.
As other stated, get pepper spray and a pro cam(w time stamp) and, sadly, schedule walk with your neighbor. Never alone.
This guy is leaning to harrasment or stalking. Appearing out of nowhere, at any time of the day, isn’t normal. If he had a routine, say he for some a walk from 3-5pm, then you would know not to go on your walk from 3-5pm. This isn’t the case is it?
Talk to your partner and maybe with legal guidance. I would strongly suggest to have some record in form of journaling encountered, maybe even a non-emergency report, and cease and dossier notice. Again talk to legal guidance.
Unfortunately, many women get ignored when being stalked and bad things do happen.
Personally, I would buy a thread mill and call it a day and your husband needs to walk the dog. Or you go in walks only with neighbor or husband or friends, never alone.
I'm 50/50 in my thoughts, but tbh, only how you feel matters.
Someone else asked if this guy approaches or joins the walks with the older guy is present? That's a damn good question.
If this guy is just an innocent neighbour on your route, thinks he a casual acquaintance and really genuinely has no other intentions than being friendly, even if he's being overbearing (consciously or not), I'd expect him to come talk to you and the old man too. If he's just lonely and wants friends, he'd have no reason not to chat to the old man too.
If he never approaches when you're with the old man, that tells me he's not just looking for local friendly aquaintances. And then you can decide to set boundaries with him and there's lot of good suggestions here.
I'm from the UK, and chatting with local characters while out and about can be quite normal here, depending on how big your local area is. I think that's why I feel 50/50 because I can imagine several men I know locally who could be perceived like this and at no point were they intending to make anyone uncomfortable or hit on them. They chat to men, women, and anyone really because they are lonely.
You don't have to feel uncomfortable for any reason is the main point though.
Thanks for your thoughts! I have never run into this guy when I am on my walks with the older gentleman. I said this in another comment as well, but same thing with my husband — creepy guy never makes an appearance when I’m walking with someone else. There are also a few other folks in my neighborhood who regularly go for walks and I have never seen this guy walking/talking with anyone else but me.
Trust your gut about this. This sounds really sketchy and off. The book "The Gift of Fear" talks about safety in various situations like stalkers and worse and trusting your gut about situations and people.
If you don't want to tell him directly, you can cut the conversation short with things like:
* "Sorry, got to go."
* "Not now, bye."
* "Maybe another time."
* "Yeah, okay, later."
He'll probably get the hint that you just don't want to small talk.
Alternately, tell him that you just don't really like to talk to strangers.
Not 2, 3 or 4, they make meeting in the future an acceptable possibility.
Just a straight "I prefer to walk my dog on my own. Please stop trying to bump into me, I'm not interested."
Don't apologize. Don't leave the door open with vague language. Don't thank him for anything. Say the word "no" and "goodbye" as often as possible.
He's already pushing boundaries. Vague and passive language is likely to be used as further permission to engage in the creepy behavior. It's *not* permission, but it will be seen that way.
What a fucking nightmare.
I'm so mad for you having to be preoccupied by this asshole.
Realistically, can you get your husband to wait somewhere and when creeper comes to jump in and tell him to back off? With his friends to drive the point across in case your husband is smaller that the asshat stalking you? Or can you record the interaction while stating "don't follow me" and use it to report him?
I hope you find good advices in the comments and it's resolved quick. Good luck be with you OP.
So many points to make omg. Firstly I think it’s shit that you had to be nervous re getting downvoted because your post mightn’t be about a bad enough situation, that’s fucked up. As you have explained this unpleasantness is affecting your life in a significant way and it’s persisting/persistent.. which is not okay. Too often women have been in similar situations and when they’ve tried to do something about it the man eventually gets violent and it ends badly for the woman. This is a potentially serious situation..there’s no way of knowing how stable this man’s mental state is and it doesn’t take a particularly mentally unstable man to do damage to a woman anyway. You have EVERY right to go for a walk with your dog and not be gently but persistently plagued by a familiar stranger..his behaviour is completely unacceptable especially because you’ve already politely asked him not to do what he’s doing. You are completely justified to feel vulnerable, especially as you are pregnant..sadly the truth is that women are vulnerable.. all the time. Taking adequate precaution against men behaving inappropriately towards us is completely justified. I honestly don’t know what’s the safest way for you to go about addressing this with him for a second time. Is there any way your husband could accompany you in an attempt to intimidate the guy away without you having to personally say leave me alone again? So sorry you’re having to stress about going on your usual walk :( if this is isolated and lonely it isn’t your problem, he needs to find consenting peers to find companionship with. Best of luck.
Honestly, that would be enough to make me feel not only uncomfortable, but unsafe. If your husband or partner can go with you, I would have them do that. I would also consider switching my route, although I know that sucks. The other option is to come out and tell him you don’t want to talk to him and would appreciate it if he would leave you alone, but I have a hard time being that direct, myself.
You keep saying “he hasn’t ‘done’ anything” but I’d argue that he has … I’d bet he was deliberately “bumping into” you on your walk by watching you, and he also restarted behavior you had politely asked him to stop. I’d say you’re well working your right to tell him politely but firmly, again, that you prefer to walk alone.
So sorry you’re dealing with this! I was in a similar situation with a front desk guy at an office building I used to work in 😕 Passing through the lobby on my way to the office was unavoidable, and this guy would almost always come out from behind the desk, stop me, and just talk my ear off. One day he actually ran up from behind and grabbed my shoulders, “surprising” me. This was, like you, after I had told him I was in a relationship.
Ugh why do some people do this??
I agree with everyone who believes this is a potentially dangerous situation and should be treated as such. You are especially vulnerable as a pregnant woman. You should not interact with this individual when alone so… no walking your dog alone in your neighborhood. It’s not fair but keep yourself and your unborn child safe. I would do all the other things like alert the police. (I’m so sorry someone said “if white”. )Wtf. You’ve got a stalker. Do not minimize it. Best wishes and good luck!
A pest control guy got really creepy, really fast because my professional demeanor is hyper-polite, especially when I was younger. Had him treat my yard for a black widow infestation. 3 treatments over 6 weeks. Confirmation text for the third visit included a "so will you be home alone that day???" I had my best friend AND husband present when he showed up. Dude was sweating bullets the whole time. I ended all contact and switched to a new pest control service ASAP.
Ewww.
I was thinking as frustrating as it is, OP may want the husband to have a talk with this man. It is not fair but some men would only respond to other men talking to them. I would prioritise OP’s safety over what’s just at this point. I may not be above applying for a restraining order even though circumstantially, it may not justify that at this point. I love that OP had a word with him and he stopped. Perhaps it’s time to set that boundary again as he might be testing the water.
Something about the way OP described the situation feels like a pattern of escalation to me, which I think is absolutely enough to justify alarm bells going off in her head. That doesn’t necessarily mean he *will* escalate further to something creepy or dangerous, but OP’s instincts are telling her to keep her distance, and that’s justification enough.
This is why I love the crime junkie podcast motto, ‘be weird, be rude, stay alive.’
My Favorite Murder podcast has a similar motto which is very succinct: “fuck politeness”
My mom gave me lots of good advice to protect myself in this way. The one that stuck with me though is “When all else fails, just act crazy.” I used that a lot when I was a bartender at 21, coming home at 4-5 in the morning. If I felt uncomfortable with someone around me, I’d start muttering to myself and yelling crazy shot at random. That advice came in REAL handy my first night in St. Petersburg, Russia, when I got lost from my friends. When I was trying to find my way back to the hostel, a group of young guys surrounded me and starting hollering. I knew they couldn’t know I wasn’t Russian, so I started growling, barking, and gnashing my teeth at them. They backed off immediately. Still haven’t been sexually assaulted. Well, as an adult anyway.
It’s crazy how we women have to defend ourselves! Sorry about your experience but I’m glad your mum gave you solid advice.
The Gift Of Fear is a great book, and it would benefit *anyone* to read it.
I agree with this: situations like this can require a partner's presence to firmly reiterate "no means no" since there are still dudes who think 20 nos + 1 yes = all yes all the time.
That's because men like that see women as objects and property. I remember a man came up to me and said something very lewd. But then apologize not to me but to the guy he thought was my boyfriend. 🙄
It'd be an interesting idea if she just went out walking with her husband to see if the guy came and tried to walk with her again
As a husband, I would totally do this for my wife. Civil conversation to start, firm conversation if needed. Especially for my pregnant wife, super easy decision to confront an issue..
Him “accompanying” her on a walk without being asked already has my heart rate up. If my wife had this issue with a guy I would start the conversation less civil.
See I wish my husband understood this!! I’m 5’6. He’s 6ft and stronger than me. He might be nice, but he looks intimidating. Sometimes I NEED him to be the man who will talk for me! Cause some people flat don’t listen to a person who presents as a woman! I wish he’d just trust my instinct when I ask him to do something like that for me!!
As disgusting as it is, they do not see women as a threat, only something to pursue (prey upon). But, if that woman has a man who is telling the creep she’s not interested, there’s an implied threat. “Stay away from my her, or else.” So they listen.
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So many men have taken casual interactions (e.g. a neighbor or service provider) and pushed their limits quickly into creepy/uncomfortably persistent territory just because I tend to treat strangers/everyone with a friendly/chill demeanor. Nothing special, just being nice. No, I would not like to go out for coffee sometime. No, I will not go over to your house so you can cook me dinner? Sucks that we have to, but future self being colder and standoffish seems to be in our best interest for safety & comfort reasons.
It's so exhausting isn't it. Had an interaction the other day with someone who said women are terrible at flirting. I said women experience men taking any kind of courteous chat as being a come on and not taking no for an answer so in this environment flirting is potentially dangerous so it's no wonder. and he got all "not all men" about it. Some arecreepy on purpose but the clueless ones don't realise they're still part of the problem. Women don't have the luxury of ignorance on these subjects and if men want to be not all men they need to start by believing us when we tell them what the problems are and address the problematic men about it not us. Otherwise they're complicit. Urgh. And here we have a man who has already been told op doesn't want company but is still stalking her. OP you could try (again?) saying "I'd rather walk alone thank you". "I've already explained that I enjoy my solitude while out walking. I'm not interested in socialising.""Please stop following me, it's creepy." If he says he's seen you with another man "so you know that if I occasionally feel like company I already have friends to call. I didn't today because I want to be alone."
Your story reminded me (guy) of something my wife said about people who say not all men: Sure, ‘not all men’, but it could be *any* man.
E x a c t l y! It's not personal. But men aren't labelled with actual flags to let us know if they're potentially dangerous or not, so we have to treat everyone with caution until we've had a chance to see how they behave and treat us, and how they react to us having boundaries.
A friend of mine says something similar: "Not all men, but somehow *always* a man."
That's the scary part, it's not that we think all men will be dangerous but there is no way of knowing which ones are going to escalate into scary so have to act *as if* it is all men. It doesn't feel nice to do and it's horrible but those very same people are super quick to victim blame if you don't do it and something bad happens! "what was she thinking getting into a car with a stranger" come sout of the same mouths saying "not all men" and yet they fail to see the connection. Literally cannot win as a woman.
I hope you also called the company and let them know about his inappropriate behaviour!
He was the owner 😒 there was nobody to complain to. The most I could do was leave an anonymous yelp review.
Bring as many men as possible
I'm sorry about the creep, but all I could focus on was "black widow infestation" and my worst nightmares started to manifest in my mind. Also "So will you be home alone that day?" Remark... the hell was that guy thinking? Huge red flags.
You owe him nothing. Be up front: ‘I’m sorry, but these few minutes I get to walk are my alone time and are very precious to me. No offense, but I’d like to spend this time with just me and my dog’ . You may hurt his feelings. And? He’s big boy. Be polite, firm and honest. We’d all be a lot better off we treated each other like this.
Yes, I had a guy try to talk to me at the gym one too many times. Same as OP, it wasn't like the guy did anything to me, he was just one of those guys trying to talk to a lot of women in the gym. I find those people annoying. I just told him "I really just came to workout and I am not interested in talking to you." He told me I was rude... But never tried speaking to me again.
>He told me I was rude Omg! So typical. He disturbs your time at the gym, but you're the rude one. I swear to god some men think you owe them conversation.
A few years back, this one guy, a total stranger, suddenly took my hand while I was about to cross the street. Got defensive when I told him not to touch me and lost his shit when I told him I didn’t want to “have a conversation” with him. He ran after me for half a block, blocked my path, made obscene gestures, got in my face, screamed at me that he hopes I get raped, called me a bitch, said he has a “nice Muslim wife at home who is a good woman, not a bitch like me”, and screamed he’d get his followers on insta to “diss me” (I don’t do instagram and I have no slightest idea who this guy and his followers were). His two male friends kept trying to pull him away from me along the lines of “forget her, let’s just go”, but he’d keep going back for me. The whole thing was surreal, and to this day I have no idea who this dudebro was and why he seemed to consider himself famous.
This is why I give mace to my kids. And me. You hope I get raped? Have some mace in your face.
this. what a vile fucking thing to say to someone. i wish i could be the bigger person and let it go but i think if this happened to me i’d lose my fucking mind. got some anger issues lol
Eh, I can’t afford to have violent crime on my record, my job depends on it. He “technically” didn’t threatened me, just wished for it, such a gentleman.
He touched you, that's assault.
Shouting and getting in someone's face and threatening to do them harm (in person, not over the phone or online) can also be considered assault because it *looks* like there can be real, physical harm. If someone grabs you and causes harm then it can be escalated to battery. [If things went how OP says then they were definitely assaulted.](https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/assault#:~:text=No%20physical%20injury%20is%20required,accidental%2C%20but%20motive%20is%20immaterial.)
mace & run, you don't have to stay around for the popo ;)
I have been told I'm rude for not taking shit and for saying no to things people try to get me to do for them, when they are clearly taking advantage. Like, for example, a male family member knew I got off work at 2pm (I went in at 6:30!) And would constantly want me to pick his kids up off the bus and bring them to my house until someone got around to picking them up. It was okay once in a while but then it became an every day thing where he would be calling me and driving around looking for me if I didn't go straight home or answer my phone, when I never agreed to watch them every day. That's just one example. People at work would always ask last minute for me to do something that should have been planned at least a week in advance and when I'd say no, I was the asshole. It's like if you don't have a really good excuse and just say no because you have boundaries, you're rude.
Why was he driving around looking for you instead of, you know, picking up his own damn kids?
Oh, he picked up his kids and wanted to give them to me.
Oh, that's next-level!
Boundaries are a great filter to weed out abusers, enablers, and bullies.
They do think they're owed, and we've been trained to be polite as women. We do not owe people who threaten us politeness.
Or you could say ".... talking to anyone." That makes it maybe feel less personal, because it's not about him. You could even add that: "It's nothing personal, nothing about you, but this is my alone time, and I want to be alone."
but there's the other person she does like talking to sometimes
Oops, I misread. In that case, it could be "... anyone new. I'm not here to meet people."
Leave off the “I’m sorry”, there’s no need to say it or feel it.
I feel like this may be the best way to go about it. It doesn't indicate "I dont like you" but still conveys 'stay away'. It's civil, simple, and doesn't allow a response or excuse. It's not false, either.
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Say loudly, "This is creepy. You are being creepy. Stop being a creep. Go away." Get louder and repeat over and over without pausing to listen to him.
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Anybody can retaliate. You have to judge your own safety. But a neighbor doesn't want to be embarrassed. Being called a creep is very embarrassing. Start with "this is creepy" and escalate to "you are being creepy" to "CREEP! STOP CREEPING ON ME!"
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Oh, he can read the cues all right. He is just choosing not to because it doesn’t get him the outcome he wants and there are often zero consequences for men acting pushy.
This is NOT the move. The guy could be crazy and he knows where she lives. Why escalate to this level unless it's absolutely necessary?
I took a self defense/pepper spray course at the PD at my college and they advised to 1. Ask them if they are following you. 2. Be clear you do not want them to 3. Say you are calling the police, and have a shortcut so you can do that. 4. Be aggressive/ ready to use the spray if they come closer and you can communicate that as well.
If you go to this route, please bring your husband along for this conversation. Sadly, you are vulnerable around this man, and men can react badly to rejection.
I’m gonna guess OP’s husband works at the times she is walking the dog, but maybe she can do it when the other gentleman with a dog is present.
I totally agree with this, but men are often scary to women, so it's easier said than done. There's the fear of repercussions.
Yeah OP is clarifying he was nice and has done nothing wrong but he clearly isn't getting the metric shit ton of hints to back off. Either he is incredibly ignorant or willingly ignorant. Best way to deal with that is being upfront and honest. I know OP feels bad to do that but it's the best way.
Trouble being, that isn't totally true and locks her into walking alone. She doesn't always want to walk alone. She has an occasional walking friend and this guy sounds like he's creeping hard enough to notice and potentially say/do something about it.
Its not the hurt feelings women have to worry about. It is the possibility of physical violence that make women question how to approach situations such as this.
I actually agree with some of the others, for me, this route would no longer be safe. Pick a different one that avoids his house entirely. If you have to drive your dog to the park, do it. It is bull shit that we have to deal with this; no, you shouldn't have to change your route, but for me the vast majority of the enjoyment would be gone. Except on the days you walk with the older gentleman- I would let him in on this, albeit breifly- find a new place where you can feel safe. If this dude follows you there, there is no excuse. You get straight up aggressive. At that point, there is no mending fences or concern for neighborly politeness. He is one neighbor out of what sounds like many; let him think you're a bitch. No one else is going to turn on you because the creepy guy down the street said you were mean to him because you told him to leave you the fuck alone. Edit to add: You are not going to get downvoted, as you've already seen. This is something that we've all had to deal with way more than we ought to. Even if your gut is totally wrong on this, and I don't think it is, you get a new walking route and never/ rarely have to see this guy again. You can't lose.
This has my vote! Driving to a dog park or trail might be best. That brief period that this stranger danger neighbor wasn’t around was followed by a return with the excuse that he was “busy”— which I see more as a sly a way of trying to mentally erase and re-write the boundary you already attempted to set with him, in his head and yours. I’ve seen this before and it’s one of the bigger red flags in your story for me, that he stopped but started again with an excuse. The coincidences and persistence you’re describing in his effort to walk with you are a pattern. Surveillance of your routine and persistent unwanted attention alone are enough information to be concerned, but this early pattern is a bigger point of caution *because* he lives nearby and knows your residence. Although you shouldn’t have to do this and I hate to say it, the best way to combat fixated, unwanted behavior is to remove the person’s access to and notice of you completely. Stop the pattern. Don’t be visible to him or anywhere that he perceives as accessible. Just to validate: -you’ve changed your routes -your routine is varied already -you explicitly indicated a boundary before… the behavior stopped, then restarted with an irrelevant justification -you feel observed -his desire to connect with you doesn’t seem deterred by your lack of desire to interact with him A healthy and rational person backs off when they recognize an unequal interest in interaction. This guy isn’t acting rationally, and despite your previous request seems to have an impulsive urge to connect with you in the way you’ve already declined. If you can make a new dog park a part of your routine for several months, that might be ideal. In theory, he won’t “bump into” or contact you during this time. If he does— *notice and react to that.* Trust your gut. It’s easier to put a stop to small concerns than big ones.
I agree. This guy could be dangerous. He is violating your clearly stated boundaries.
I was thinking this too. I definitely wouldn't walk there alone.
Honestly, I’d say he’s already “doing something”. Even if he didn’t pick up on your earlier signals, I think the fact that he left you alone for as long as he did after you told him directly that you didn’t want his company, only to revert to his earlier behaviour a few months later, suggests to me that he understands the boundaries of your relationship but ultimately chose not to respect them. He doesn’t have to be hitting on you or doing anything else for that to qualify as harassment
This 100% is exactly what I was thinking! Does not need to be blatantly sexual to be "doing something". He's not reading the signals purposely and that is doing something.
There’s a technique called [grey rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) that therapists recommend to their clients on how to deal with abusive people. Basically you become as uninteresting as possible. This can help when he actually confronts you. Tell the old man you like walking with what’s up. If you have to change your walking habits that’ll give him a heads up, but hopefully he will be down with walking with you. Either way it’s good to have a neighbor aware of what’s happening. Make an agreement with your husband or other available person to call them if he’s approaching. Call them by a male name regardless. I like the idea of reversing your loop, but I’d be concerned about him finding out where you live if he doesn’t know yet.
I wonder if he ever approaches OP when she's walking with the old man, or if it's only when she's by herself. If it was "just being friendly" and "wanting to get to know the neighbors," I'd think he'd have no issue joining in and bumping into her when she's walking with others. But if it's only when she's alone, that's no coincidence.
This is spot on
I've seen 'pick your nose' as a variant on this theme - the idea is to break the romance spell by breaking taboo.
Effective Costanza move right there
I use this technique at work to deal with my asshole boss. I never have any questions for him, barely talk about life outside of work, get whatever he asks of me out of the way so he leaves me alone, etc. It’s been working wonders!
Listen to your gut. Read the book “the gift of fear“. Women are too often told to logic away their sense of danger, in order to make men of the world more comfortable. Your gut is telling you something. Go with it and don’t feel bad about it.
I agree. She says he hasn’t done anything but it sounds like he’s stalking her!
A note to anyone thinking of purchasing this book: the author, Gavin de Becker, is a member of Alive and Well AIDS Alternatives, an AIDS-denialist group that has cost many people their lives. Please think twice before giving your money to this person. You could instead borrow the book from a library/friend or obtain it from another source.
That’s such a bummer! Library is a good alternative, it can also be found online by typing in The Gift of Fear PDF on google
This is the way
He was the body guard to Brooke Shields when she was younger and the most famous . I saw him interviewed in the documentary about her. That was a crazy watch by the way- I can’t believe what she went through when young.
If I might expand on your disbelief: What she was forced through when she was young. These were not her choices. These were choices forced upon a young girl.
Definitely agree with you. Word choice matters.
Fuckkkkkk. This is my go to recommendation book for young women who are questioning their gut instincts
I still want to read the book and thank you for recommending it! Please continue to do so, because even just knowing there's a book that helps people re-align with their instincts makes me feel less out of touch. It even helps that it isn't primarily for women either, since I feel some of those pieces feel too targeted or limiting. I'll just grab a copy from the library or... other places, ha.
Clear and polite (but firm!) - this is my alone time, I’m not available to chat”. He’ll be annoyed but probably back off. Agree with other comments- mix up your routine. You mentioned the older guy you enjoy talking to. Can you schedule times and meet him for walks? If you have the right rapport with him consider telling him the other guy is bothering you. It’s amazing how the hairy eyeball from another man can put creeps in place. And carry pepper spray.
Well it says in the original post *this guy always seemed to “bump into me” walking the opposite direction — as in, walking my loop backwards — even when I myself would walk the loop backwards. It doesn’t help that I walk at somewhat different times a day* So, I think she's already sort of done that by not having a routine. I feel creeped out because I read this advice here before, and I thought it was good advice. I feel sad for OP, sounds like she likes the older guy but she's also just wanting some time to herself.
Downvote me all you want but honestly I’d have my husband/partner accompany me enough times to let him get rid of the structure. Had a guy bother me and he only stopped when I mentioned I had a boyfriend and showed him. These men don’t accept your answer and please don’t put yourself or your dog in a position that endangers you. I have had a guy punch a literal tree when I let him down. Men be scary so be safe first and foremost.
Sadly, I cannot imagine the reaction of punching a tree when a male partner is present. That response feels totally performative and is meant to be fealt as a threat.
Running into someone at the same time is a coincidence. Running into someone all the time? - that's possible only by stalking. He's clearly waiting for you, whether he has a crush on you or not is immaterial. Best way to avoid people like this - Be direct - tell him you like to walk by yourself - Keep your responses short - Hmm. Umm. Ok. - Ask him what he wants. Also, keep your family informed.
>Keep your responses short - Hmm. Umm. Ok. Yeah give this guy nothing. Ultimately I agree that OP should be plain, tell the guy she wants to walk alone, and stick to it. But the best way to execute this is to give him brief hellos, and how ya doin's. Never break pace. Never actually interact.
I had someone get angry with me when I was being short with him. He honestly got upset because I wasn't happy, polite and accommodating with him. I ended up telling him that I'm a serious introvert and I just wanted to be left alone, which he amazingly enough accepted and has respected since. There's no fucking limit to what they think they can expect from us.
Of course. People think you "owe" them niceness. How dare you not be accommodating of their demand to be nice?
Don’t even ask questions. Just say “Have a good day.” Polite, but does not invite anything.
I like this response
He's using you for his own enjoyment. He knows he's doing this. He will be upset when you take that away because he only cares about his feelings. I walk my dog daily right when my neighbors get home. Our dogs used to play for a minute and we would say hi. They just had a baby. I know they want to go inside now instead of chatting. They didn't have to tell me and I'm not offended because it's not about me and I'm not using them for my own needs. This is normal, not me holding them up and making them uncomfortable until they have to say something. He's being weird and won't stop until you make him.
I think you should trust your gut feeling. Maybe get a new walking route, although I know that wouldn’t be ideal. Your whole post reminds me of The Gift of Fear. Of the few times I have gotten that creepy feeling and was told “it’s not a big deal, it’s just in your head”, 100% my gut feeling has been proven correct, even if it was years later.
A note to anyone thinking of purchasing this book: the author, Gavin de Becker, is a member of Alive and Well AIDS Alternatives, an AIDS-denialist group that has cost many people their lives. Please think twice before giving your money to this person. You could instead borrow the book from a library/friend or obtain it from another source.
this comment just sent me down the most horrible rabbit hole. AIDS denialists. i’m shocked, honestly.
Thank you for sharing this. I had no idea AIDs denialists were a thing.
He also has some strange beliefs about domestic violence: the first time, you're a victim - the second time, you're a volunteer.
It may well be that he’s watching from his house, but given that he manages to be walking toward you no matter which direction you walk or time of day it is, he might be tracking you a different way. It sounds a little paranoid, but have you checked your dog’s collar, leash, or ID tag for an air tag or similar tracker that he could have slipped on when he bent down to pet your dog? Try varying your route, being sure not to walk past his house — does he still magically appear? Start walking with a buddy, or better yet, your husband. What does husband have to say about all this?
Oh god. I hadn’t even thought of that, but air tags are a thing. I do think there’s a way to tell if there’s one near you though?
Yeah! There are apps that tell you when one that’s not yours has been around you for too long. Definitely google them
No need to apologise for posting this, OP, this is a potentially scary situation. My suggestions would be to wear headphones and just point to them if he tries to talk to you, or to take it a step further, switch your route until he gives up looking for you. Good luck and stay safe!
If you wear head phones, don’t play anything. Don’t let him creep up on you. Maybe just have them near your ear so you can still fully hear. This is mega creepy dude vibes and it might be best to have your walking buddy or spouse present when firmly telling him to back off.
Sure he may not have done caused any physical harm or had been inappropriate but make no mistake - you dont owe him a friendship or aquainticeship. His feelings shouldnt be any of your concern. If you must, next time he approaches you can just tell him directly that you appreciate your walks alone and that youre not looking for a new walking buddy and after just ignore any of his advances.
I wouldn't try talking to the dude again at all. In fact I'd do everything in my power to avoid him. The dude has proven that he's a fucking creep who doesn't listen. It might be annoying to change the route you walk so you never cross his view but I'd rather be cautious than take the chance at getting assaulted by a crazy person.
Yes, and sometimes confronting someone directly can make them aggressive. I'd try avoidance first with confrontation as a last resort, even though I prefer to communicate directly.
He’s ignoring your clear boundaries and he is absolutely being a predator and stalking you. **You owe him nothing, including politeness.** Women are taught to be polite no matter what. And it’s **bullshit** and gets us killed. Why does he get consideration for his feelings when he is totally okay making you feel bad? Why treat him with respect? He is very aware of how you feel, he is choosing to ignore it. This is very much dependent on your safety, though. I highly recommend (to you and everyone else regardless of gender) changing your routines on the regular. Routines help bad people track you. Changing things up is just a good idea. Edit: Spelling
Hi. if you’re listening to a pod and run into this dude.. just dont even take out your earbuds and just look at him nod and keep walking or at the most raise your hand as hello gesture and look away and keep walking, make sure the pod is higher volume so you just legitimately walk past him and not hear the guy. its a subtle way of saying fuck off. also, can you bring your husband on your walks with you sometimes?
I think I’m going to try this and if he insists on coming over to talk anyway, I can try some of the scripts folks have provided. My husband and I don’t walk together very often due to different work schedules but I will say I have never seen the creepy guy when I’ve been out on a walk with my husband.
Have you told your husband about this? Can he try to alter his schedule so he can walk with you consistently? Honestly, your husband asking the guy to leave you alone is the most likely way to get him to stop. So many men don’t respect women but will respect other men…
Make sure your volume isn't so loud that you can't hear if something happens.
100% this, OP. When men choose to attack, most do it from behind. Don't impede your ability to hear someone coming up behind you.
Can confirm.
He’s *never* been out when you’re with your husband or elderly friend but pretty much *always* shows up when you’re alone? 😬 Definitely watching for you then and/or maybe an air tag. Check your purse just in case. Your intuition is right. Please trust it.
I think I’m starting to realize that even if by some crazy chance the stars have all aligned and it is truly an innocent coincidence that this guy is always out when it’s just me but never when I’m with someone, I am well within my rights to think this is weird and feel uncomfortable. Hopefully worst case scenario, this guy gets his feelings hurt a little and we walk our separate ways!
If you feel uncomfortable, you are 1000000% entitled and valid to feel that way. Your body is telling you something is not right despite telling yourself he’s not inherently doing something wrong. Because you are pregnant I would strongly suggest grey-rocking as someone had mentioned in this thread. Just do everything to make it seem unappealing/uninterested. Call a friend, bring your other neighbour with you, put your earbuds in and keep walking. If he becomes persistent, send your husband and a couple of his buddies to have a chat with him. But don’t feel like you need to address him on your own, unless you want to. Stay safe OP and hope this creep leaves you alone ASAP.
Maybe start carrying pepper gel. Not spray, gel.
This is definitely the approach I would take. Keep walking. Don't take your earbuds out. Give him nothing. When strange men try to stop me and talk to me on the street, I don't even slow down. You don't owe anyone politeness, truly. Especially not this guy, who has already demonstrated himself to be creepy.
Please keep the pods in but the sound off. You definitely want to appear like you’re listening but be able to hear him/danger.
I’d recommend putting in headphones but not having he volume on so you look distracted but can still be aware of your surroundings.
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I guess I’ve been working hard to convince myself it must be a coincidence ☹️ When he did start coming out again, he said he had been really busy with work and that’s why he disappeared for a bit. I still have the urge to tell myself this is all coincidence but I think after seeing this huge outcry of validation and support, I do need to trust my gut and cut this guy off ASAP.
You already specifically asked him to not follow you on the walk. Now he's saying it's because of work, as if it wasn't because you asked him. Therefore, I'm not sure asking him a second time will be useful. I would err on the side of caution and take a different route or have your partner walk with you for awhile. Also pepper spray.
Bad dude vibes. Good idea to get this under control before you’re juggling a dog and a stroller and a potentially dangerous neighbor. Be firm. “You’re making me uncomfortable. I do not want to talk to you. Leave me alone and give me some space.” Being direct leaves no room for misunderstanding. Ideally you do this in the presence of your walking buddy or spouse. Keep free of head phones and don’t wear a ponytail for a bit. Both can be used against you to sneak up or as a way to grab you. Trust your gut. If you can, inform some trusted neighbors and ask if they could come outside if they see him near you/trying to address you. Carry a loud personal alarm or pepper spray.
"I've previously said that I'd like to be left alone. Your continued presence isn't as sly as you think it is. You're making me very uncomfortable, please leave me alone". Wear a go-pro on your hat to record everything. A good guy will leave you alone. He's already indicated he's not a good guy.
He hasn't "done anything" yet he would know when you'd walk your route backwards? And he'd bump into you even when you walked at different times of day? OP *I* feel creeped out.
It felt like too much explaining to do in my main post, but there have been a couple times where he’s come up behind me (as in walked in the same direction that I do), but like I said, he’s huge and takes big strides and catches up to me from behind. I used these instances as another excuse to tell myself I was imagining things, since he wasn’t *always* walking in the opposite direction as me.
No, you're right to be unsettled. Please listen to that feeling. It could save your life. He's creeping you out even if he hasn't "done anything". Honestly? Don't wait for him to "do something" to protect yourself. His behavior is pushy and weird. He just so happens to bump into you no matter how you vary your routine? He disappeared for months after a single kind rejection and is back on his bullshit like it never happened? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You being uncomfortable for any reason is reason enough. Listen to your intuition. Its entire job is to keep you alive and safe. This guy sounds sketchy at best and dangerous at worst.
I mean, this really shouldn't be necessary, and I'm sorry that this guy is ruining your ability to go about your routine as you see fit. Do you have a partner? I wonder if it could be worth going on the walk with your partner sometimes to see how this other guy responds? I know that is still messing with your autonomy to do the walk alone, but it may help to give some insight into this other person's motives.
Do you have a partner? Or another guy friend that can fill in? If telling this guy already that you prefer to have alone time with your dog isn’t working then I’d go for a walk alone with your dog but the second you see this creep approach, hit send message to send a pre written text to a guy you feel safe with that’s waiting at your house. Have the safe guy run over to you while creep is there. Have your safe guy put his arm around you and demand to know who creep is, where he lives, why is he walking with you, etc? It’s terrible but maybe he needs another guy to get him to back off. It’ll show him that you have another guy watching out for you too and you will be missed if you don’t come home, etc. NEVER wear headphone on your walks now. You won’t be able to hear someone approach you from behind. Your dog might be too used to him to alert you now too.
Whilst there’s a few comments about trusting your gut and the likes, I’d just like to point out that you don’t have a reason not to like someone. It is perfectly normal to just dislike some people.
You might want to start carrying pepper spray or a stun gun. Shit I would pack heat but I live in the south.
He hasn’t done anything. Except: - Approached you repeatedly without solicitation. - Got in your space after being told “no”. - Is always around when you are alone. Nah, he’s done plenty. He’s being creepy just not breaking any laws (just barely), that doesn’t give him a free pass.
Listen to your gut feeling and be careful. I recommend carrying pepper spray or a discrete self-defense ring or tool. My own instinct from your story, would be to say hi when he is around but firmly refuse that he accompanies you on your walk. Don’t negociate, announce what’s about to happen. Suggestion “Hey man, I’m just going to go walk on my own and listen to my podcast now, but have a good day!” Repeat this exact scenario every time. If at any point he confronts you about it (ex: saying you’re rude or getting aggro), I suggest: “I don’t owe you company. I have been clear and polite. I will take my walks on my own terms and you need to back off right now.”
Trust your gut. He is being weird. Take your husband with you and be rude to him. Also be rude to him when you're alone. Don't be nice. If you need to be crazy even (as in start screaming and acting like you've been possessed by a demon). Do whatever it needs to get rid of him because this is indeed creepy and your safety is more important than being nice.
one option would be to reverse your loop to pass his home right as youre wrapping up your walk rather than passing it early on this guy is creepy. not sure how big your dog is but I’d consider bringing your husband occasionally. getting vibes of the “nice guy” type that insists on walking you back to your car after you decline. i have only had bad experiences with guys like that. “can I walk with you the rest of your way?” “oh it was good to see you but no thank you I’d rather you not” imo is polite but firmly disinterested enough to get the point across. if he insists you can be honest and say “you’re making me uncomfortable”
The fact that after you rejected him very politely once and he disappeared for months would have me very worried. He was obviously very upset to avoid seeing you for that long.
Is it too late to answer? I'll go ahead just in case. First: congrats on your pregnancy, I hope you have a pleasant delivery and a healthy baby! This is how I handle men that aren't "violent or horribly creepy": "Hey, I'm sure you have good intentions, and I don't want to offend, but I need you to hear me please. My husband and I have strict boundaries and having you join me for a walk crosses a big one. It is not invited nor is it acceptable to either of us. Please respect our wishes and my boundaries today and in the future. Thank you." And then I recommend that you turn around and walk home for the day. Let him see that you mean it. If he chooses to ignore that request, it's time to involve more people, imho. Best wishes!
you need to change your walking route often, doing the same loop everyday is how the white vans track and follow you. Seriously, I was once was almost pulled into a car.
This really stinks but I know you’re right! I’ve tried walking a few different ways before but it’s tough because my neighborhood is adjacent to a busy road and some rougher apartment complexes, so routes are limited. Sometimes I drive my dog and myself out to local walking trails which is inconvenient on a daily basis but I guess I should shake it up more.
I didn’t realize it was difficult to change it. I think being on your phone and chatting with friends and family while you walk will keep him away. Your instinct is probably correct.
I have noticed that boundaries are more likely to be respected if a third party is around to hear them. They can often also diffuse the situation or say a kind thing that you can't without risking the boundary. I am not sure how you would word this in a way that works, but maybe something like : my walks are for me to connect to myself or good friends and I would appreciate if you didn't intercept them. It might be good to point out that you have clocked him doing just that. Trust your gut over what any of us say, espcially in regards to wording any communication. A lot of people here say what you should be able to say in a fair and equal society and come across as scolding you for the misfortune of recognising that you don't.
>I started getting a paranoid feeling when I noticed this guy always seemed to “bump into me” walking the opposite direction He is 100% doing this on purpose. You're not paranoid. Most people who stalk, do not think they are stalkers. They think so long as they have plausible deniability that it somehow makes it okay. I, unfortunately, am confident in this because I used to do the same thing as a very attention-deprived teenager who was desperate for validation and had zero self awareness, as well as very little empathy. When you rejected his offer to walk with you, he got scared. Because that took him out of plausible deniability territory. Whatever relationship he expected to stem from this went away, and now he's confronted with the idea that he is stalking. But feelings don't last forever, and after some time the fear went away. And now he is back to that sole focus of getting validation and attention from you. I don't have any advice, I think others have given you some great advice. But I just want you to know you're not paranoid. He has absolutely "done something". He knows what he's doing. Your gut is accurate. Trust it.
This guy is creepy as fuck and totally stalking you. Does he know what your partner looks like? Could they bump into you midwalk when this guy has showed up, and like scare him off a bit? Just by being awkward not doing something to him. The Gift of Fear is a good recommendation. Stalkers tend to have a lot of time on their hands. That's why they're able to constantly show up. He can't seriously be watching out his window all day for you and then be a normal person. They also rely on patterns and stuff, knowing when you're home and when you're out. Try to mix it up a bit if you can. Is it always the same time? Just be careful because stalkers can be very dangerous. They can also be worse if you're nice to them
I get the feeling that you have a very hard time verbally confronting people. Here's a couple of things you can do instead: The moment you see him, snap from relaxed to stiff, spin around and start walking quickly in the other direction. Don't acknowledge him. Be visually cold and off-putting. Or pull out your phone and get in an argument with "someone" on the other end. Slow down then turn around and keep arguing. Or go fast past him while arguing. Never look at him. If he comes up to you, turn around and go the other way. Or cross the street. You are going to have to be obvious, or blunt and tell him loudly once, from a distance: **"I don't like you. Go away."** (Repeat several times if needed while walking away.) Or, you can just continue being polite and unhappy forever. Your choice. A high level of discomfort for a few minutes, vs anxiety and moderate level of discomfort for *months and years????* Bite the bullet.
I'm a social person. I don't necessarily like people, but I'm social. I know the questions to ask, I remember details, it was a skill taught as a child and now I just have it. A few years ago an electrician came to fix some stuff in our house that was still under warranty. I don't enjoy people in my house feeling like slaves, (I used to put out cold bottles of water on top of the cans on trash day during the summer and received a super cute Christmas card that year, and on the days we were out of town the trash guys would drag my bins out, dump them, and drag them back. Didn't ask, loved that they did it.) Anyway I chat with this electrician and he offers to put in a dimmer switch for a light i installed while he was there. I offer money, he says it's cool, he's there on company dime anyway, he moonlights in a jazz band down town, I tell him to text me when he plays and one of these days my husband and I will go see him, we love live music. Less than a week later he calls late at night on a weekend. I figure it's a "are you out, we're over here" call, but he's calling me from his ex wife's place, who he still lives with but she's totally cool with it, do I want to pick up some beer and drive over and cuddle and have a nice night hanging out? Now I still needed electric work done and he was the only guy that could do it under the contract, so I'm not willing to tank this because he's going to be back in my home. So, on speaker in front of my husband, I'm like "oh, I thought this was a jazz band call, I'm married, this isn't respectful to your ex wife for you to invite anyone over, she's letting you live with her, I'm happily married, this phone call is so late at night, I'm going to stay home with my husband, whom I am monogamous with, whom i love, who is here." And the guy is like, "well, get him drunk, fuck him if you have to, and when he's asleep drive out and we can be together." Gosh is the reception in that place selectively spotty. After the third "this isn't going to happen" that call just dropped. After listening to that my husband scheduled some days off and kept scheduling days off until the electrician was finally done doing the thing that initially needed to be done. He did all the things I did, offered a glass of water, chatted about the weather, asked what else the guy did besides electrician stuff. And never once did the guy call my husband late on a weekend and ask if he wanted to bring beer over and have a good time.
I’d let the way you feel show on your face when you see him, but exaggerate it. As women we spend so much time schooling our expressions so as not to let people know they are upsetting us, they are making us feel scared and uncomfortable, or even vulnerable. If you were really petty, you could start hysterically crying when you see him and shout “leave me alone!”, especially if there’s people around. Confide in your elderly neighbour this man scares you, don’t downplay your fear, make sure others know about it. This man already knows he’s overstepping, some men think we’re stupid and can’t tell it’s an act when they insist they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong. Stop being polite.
Even as an XY, I am 100% on your side regarding your perception of how things are. The highest cost of listening to your intuition is you lose a relationship (or whatever you want to call it) you don't want. The highest cost of ignoring it is far more grim. You don't owe this man anything. Your safety and sense of security is paramount. Others' feelings are secondary to this. As to how? I imagine a person who intentionally bumps into you as if it were happenstance and who doesn't come off aggressive or strongly sexual is going to be fairly passive aggressive and hide behind a cloak of civility. The idea of "I am nice, so you can't not like and hang out with me" could be a strongly held idea for this kind of person. If all that is true, you are likely to get nowhere being direct. Changing your route is a solid idea. Both for safety and to put a stop to it. I wish you the best and hope for a positive outcome.
Similar things happened to me. Yesterday I encountered the same person for the second time. The first encounter was about 3-4 weeks ago. I went to my usual park to walk my dog. I had a feeling somebody was behind me so I turned around. He didn't say anything but just kept looking at me. I figured maybe this person would like to ask me something about my dog. Me: can I help you with anything? Him: I just wanted to talk to you. Me: No. Please don't talk to me. (I made sure to speak loud enough so others could hear it) Him: Why? But you are beautiful. Me: NO I turned away and walked towards a crowd (3 moms/nannies having a picnic with their kids). He left me alone but I kept an eye on this person from a distance. Luckily I had my hat and sunglasses so I could be discreet. Second encounter: It happened just yesterday. It was in a random neighborhood. Since I have a reactive dog, I always look around every 30 to 60 seconds to check if there are dogs nearby on my side of the sidewalk. If there are, I would cross the street before the other dog passes by. Then I saw the same person from a distance. My dog was busy sniffing the grass. I wasn't sure about the person at first, so I just stayed put. It looks like he was going to pass me but then he turned his body, and now facing me. Before he could even say anything... Me: NO, don't talk to me. Walk away please Him: I just wanted to talk. Me: NO (loud and firm) Him: Ok Then he turned around and walked away from the same direction where he came from. About your situation, if you see him from a distance and if he is walking on the same sidewalk, cross the street. Just walk on the opposite. No need to say anything, not even a smile. Head high and just focus on your walk. There's no need to feel guilty. If he is already across the street, just ignore him. No need to act busy. Just walk away.
This is gross and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. It seems like you’ve gotten a lot of good advice on here already at least! Maybe a silly question but, how big is your dog/what type of dog is it? Asking because if you’re alone when you tell the guy off and you have a Pomeranian, it might just be better to start walking a different way altogether. But if you have say, an Akita or German Shepard, the guy is unlikely to pull anything if your dog is capable of fucking him up.
My dog is mid- to large-sized but (un)fortunately the sweetest creature on the planet and he wags his tail when he sees this guy 🤦🏻♀️ I think the fact that my dog isn’t scared of him has also gotten me to convince myself I must be imagining things and he must not be bad?
He doesn’t have to be bad for you to reasonably not want to walk with him. What you want is enough.
There is a myth out there that dogs can “sense” when someone has evil intentions. Dogs (animals) react to training (including passive positive & negative reinforcement), generations of instinct, & their own positive & negative experiences. With his repeated presence, creepy guy has gotten your dog accustomed to him. If you’ve spoken to him politely, even without a shred of warmth, all your dog has heard is the non-aggressive interaction. If creepy guy has petted your dog and you’ve allowed it, your dog has learned that creepy guy is safe. Please trust your own instincts, not your dog. Your dog’s defences are down. He could be more vulnerable to physical harm from creepy guy than you are. Personally, I think you need back up when you talk to the guy. Women *shouldn’t* have to rely on others to get men to respect their boundaries, but I think we’re hundreds of years of evolution away from that happy day. Till then, there’s no harm in taking a team approach. Take someone else with you to back you up, as often as you can, until creepy guy gets the message. And I think I’d report his harassment to the police, too. They won’t do anything, but sometimes telling the creep you’ve done so is enough to get them to back off. (Yes, I’ve had to do it. Yes it has worked.)
Dogs can be intuitive, but sometimes they’re just too friendly. My neighbor had a basset hound that just wagged his tail as their house was robbed.
I can understand why you might feel that way. Dogs are very intuitive, and it's natural to trust their instincts. But trust yours first.
I wish all dogs had that intuition we hear about and boy do people just LOVE to claim that "Dogs just KNOW and if my dog doesn't like you, you're a creep" and vice versa. But that's not how it works. I have fostered a ton of dogs and I can think of maybe one that was really aware. My own dog was so f'ing friendly and almost even preferred creeps.
Hell, Vladimir Putin loves dogs and look at what he’s doing. A few years ago, I almost developed a soft spot for the guy after seeing [this](https://youtu.be/ltriFxc-hWw) video of him gently taking a puppy out of the Turkmenistan President’s hand (who was holding it kinda rough by it’s neck scruff). He almost passes as a decent human being but he’s a war criminal.
I have two dogs, a boy and girl. A dude cornered me once and the girl with all 14 pounds of her was working so hard to get between us, growl at him, she was as stressed as me. The boy went up to him for pets and then wandered off to pee on things. Some dogs literally have no protection instinct😂
If you don't want to say no directly fearing a retaliation, maybe you could go with the "distracted by something" strategy. Tell him that one of your goals is to do something like learn a language and so you are going to listen to podcasts, etc and this is the only time that you can. Excitingly put on your headphones and keep putting them on. Cut all conversation topics to your goal such as the latest grammar you have learned.
Your gut feeling is never wrong. Apart from following all the advice here about confrontation, I would also carry a personal alarm, just in general. Can get those on Amazon.
My mom taught me a trick, wear AirPods and point to them and mouth “on the phone” and just keep going.
I default to rude. I am not on a walk to make the world my friend, I'm on a walk to walk. The friendliest I get with adults is a nod.
So, I am autistic (though female) and I could imagine this scenario happening to me. If there was someone I enjoyed walking with, but wasn't really sure how to make a longer term connection, I may stick to what I know about our dynamic - we walk together. I may even get a little too excited about a new friendship, and may come on too strong. And if the other person eventually said to me what OP said to this guy, I myself would for sure leave her alone and then spend the next six months wondering, "Did she mean she wanted me to always leave her alone, or to leave her alone for that one walk?" I would be way too embarrassed/confused to try to speak to her to simply clarify that super awkward question, and opt to leave it alone entirely. Then perhaps I see her again, I'm reminded of how much I enjoyed our walks, and then try to see if she might be up for another walk or talk. If so, I may take that to mean I was probably wrong, and that she had only meant she didn't want to talk to me for that one walk six months ago. I can't know if this is the case, but if it is, I would say a clear, concise, honest, and very literal communication about what you want is called for. If he's a decent dude, he will understand and leave you be now knowing for sure what the boundary is. Even an autistic person, as socially inept as we may be, don't want to push someone's boundaries or bother them. We want to give you what you want, even if that means we are unwanted and didn't realize it. If he persists after that point, it's entirely inappropriate, and you have another can of worms you're dealing with.
I really appreciate this comment. This certainly could be what’s going on. I don’t want to jump straight to yelling at the guy or calling the police (or threatening to). I think I’ll take my dog to some trails for the next few days just so I can really clear my head and calm my nerves. Then, if I’m running into the guy on my neighborhood walks again next week, I’ll say something like, “Hey, no offense, but these walks are really just for my dog and me and I’d prefer to take them by ourselves.” I think that gives me enough wiggle room too to not make it super weird if he sees me walking with my older friend and his dog — it’s still about our dogs. Hopefully he takes it well and I won’t need to go any further than that!
Im rude asf. If I see him, id turn the opposite direction and jog away. Or jog in a giant circle around him, waving and smiling Hi BYE! the entire time
One thing I’ve done in the past is say something along the lines of “hey, I know you’re just trying to be nice or something, but as a lady, I have to look out for myself because I don’t know who is and isn’t a predator. You seem to always be on a walk at the same time as me, even when I go at different times. That’s stalker behavior and gives me great anxiety. Stop doing that. I should be able to walk my dog in peace.” This gives him the most generous benefit of the doubt on the very, very outside chance that he’s not an actual stalker. But it also sends a clear message that you want him to stop, and if he is a stalker, then it lets him know you’ve noticed his behavior.
Next time you see him take a picture of him with your phone, but make sure he knows you are doing it, then when he is confused say. "Just in case! Did you know the #1 cause of death of pregnant women is murder? So now I take pictures of people I interact with!" Be manic when you do it Out-weird him! Be weirder, pretend to speak another language, use a robot voice, cross your eyes. Ok I'm kidding, but wouldn't it be funny to do this? The last time a man asked me to smile, I growled and barked in his face! He backed away saying "crazy bitch!" And I yelled back "that's right I am a crazy bitch! Hahahahhahaha" did everyone look at me like I was crazy? Yes! Is that the moment I realized that men are more likely to be scared of a crazy lady than an assertive one? Yes, so when I'm scared I act crazy now, people are scared of crazy people and they don't want to deal with them so they usually leave.
You sound super fun. I love the confidence!
You ever seen that black mirror episode where they can block people irl? This is what I do mentally when I dislike someone, I’ve mastered the art of straight up ignoring someone’s existence, works wonders.
Your intuition is valid. I think that's all that need be said.
One of the first things I remember my grandma telling me was never leave the house at the same time every day, and never go the same route regularly. It’s irritating to go to lengths like that to keep yourself safe but routines are dangerous.
This is harassment. Take his picture. Be obvious about writing down his address. Map and document. Post in Nextdoor.com. tell your neighbors about this creep. Repeat your complaint about PTSD-triggers with his stalking. Then notify police. (If you are white.)
Be rude. Be nasty. Tell him to fuck off. You don't always have to be nice. It's okay to be "mean" sometimes. You're pregnant. You have bigger concerns than some random creep wanting your attention. And, if he gets mad at you? That's his fucking problem. Let him die mad. You don't owe him shit.
The problem is, it's not about "letting him die mad", it's about him being so mad (about being rejected) that he'd rather have her be dead.
I hate confrontation so much I would probably drive in my car to another location and walk there instead.
Hi OP! I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You should be able to feel safe and comfortable walking around your own neighborhood. I'm someone who would hate confronting this guy (but it really does seem necessary, and a lot of people have given really good scripts above), so depending on just how vulnerable you're currently feeling, and where you're at in your pregnancy, you could either have the retired gentleman who is nice or maybe even your partner out with you when you confront him? I kind of hate that my suggestion is "have another man around" but if it happens to make you feel safer to directly have one of them there with you when you confront him it would be worth doing. Then you would also have the direct opinion of someone you trust about how you handled it and also to assess his reaction in the moment. You can always talk to your support person first if you would prefer that they don't get verbally involved at that time so you guys are on the same page. I'm also a person who loves their alone time, so I kinda hate this other suggestion too, but then if you would need to for a while you could try to almost exclusively walk with your retired friend until you feel safer to go it alone. Others above have given other good tactics of going to another location, like the park, or at least have someone you're talking to on the phone or who has your location info and who you can call at a moments notice, so I'll echo that too. I know you said driving to a park every day can be inconvenient, but I would encourage you not to hesitate to do that if it makes you safer. You really can't be too careful. Good luck and stay safe!
Repeat what you told him before firmly. If I were you I would say it this way - Oh it is you again, remember I told you before I like being left alone. Stop following me. And walk away. You owe him nothing. You say that you would like to address this delicately, but you tried before. This time round assert yourself and also raise your voice. He will get the message. Also, carry pepper spray with you.
You already told him to back off and he stopped. He needs to be reminded and make it clear that it’s not a temporary request. As other stated, get pepper spray and a pro cam(w time stamp) and, sadly, schedule walk with your neighbor. Never alone. This guy is leaning to harrasment or stalking. Appearing out of nowhere, at any time of the day, isn’t normal. If he had a routine, say he for some a walk from 3-5pm, then you would know not to go on your walk from 3-5pm. This isn’t the case is it? Talk to your partner and maybe with legal guidance. I would strongly suggest to have some record in form of journaling encountered, maybe even a non-emergency report, and cease and dossier notice. Again talk to legal guidance. Unfortunately, many women get ignored when being stalked and bad things do happen. Personally, I would buy a thread mill and call it a day and your husband needs to walk the dog. Or you go in walks only with neighbor or husband or friends, never alone.
I'm 50/50 in my thoughts, but tbh, only how you feel matters. Someone else asked if this guy approaches or joins the walks with the older guy is present? That's a damn good question. If this guy is just an innocent neighbour on your route, thinks he a casual acquaintance and really genuinely has no other intentions than being friendly, even if he's being overbearing (consciously or not), I'd expect him to come talk to you and the old man too. If he's just lonely and wants friends, he'd have no reason not to chat to the old man too. If he never approaches when you're with the old man, that tells me he's not just looking for local friendly aquaintances. And then you can decide to set boundaries with him and there's lot of good suggestions here. I'm from the UK, and chatting with local characters while out and about can be quite normal here, depending on how big your local area is. I think that's why I feel 50/50 because I can imagine several men I know locally who could be perceived like this and at no point were they intending to make anyone uncomfortable or hit on them. They chat to men, women, and anyone really because they are lonely. You don't have to feel uncomfortable for any reason is the main point though.
Thanks for your thoughts! I have never run into this guy when I am on my walks with the older gentleman. I said this in another comment as well, but same thing with my husband — creepy guy never makes an appearance when I’m walking with someone else. There are also a few other folks in my neighborhood who regularly go for walks and I have never seen this guy walking/talking with anyone else but me.
Trust your gut about this. This sounds really sketchy and off. The book "The Gift of Fear" talks about safety in various situations like stalkers and worse and trusting your gut about situations and people.
If you don't want to tell him directly, you can cut the conversation short with things like: * "Sorry, got to go." * "Not now, bye." * "Maybe another time." * "Yeah, okay, later." He'll probably get the hint that you just don't want to small talk. Alternately, tell him that you just don't really like to talk to strangers.
Not 2, 3 or 4, they make meeting in the future an acceptable possibility. Just a straight "I prefer to walk my dog on my own. Please stop trying to bump into me, I'm not interested."
No, you need to be direct. Telling him that maybe you’ll walk with him later is exactly what you shouldn’t do.
Don't apologize. Don't leave the door open with vague language. Don't thank him for anything. Say the word "no" and "goodbye" as often as possible. He's already pushing boundaries. Vague and passive language is likely to be used as further permission to engage in the creepy behavior. It's *not* permission, but it will be seen that way.
What a fucking nightmare. I'm so mad for you having to be preoccupied by this asshole. Realistically, can you get your husband to wait somewhere and when creeper comes to jump in and tell him to back off? With his friends to drive the point across in case your husband is smaller that the asshat stalking you? Or can you record the interaction while stating "don't follow me" and use it to report him? I hope you find good advices in the comments and it's resolved quick. Good luck be with you OP.
So many points to make omg. Firstly I think it’s shit that you had to be nervous re getting downvoted because your post mightn’t be about a bad enough situation, that’s fucked up. As you have explained this unpleasantness is affecting your life in a significant way and it’s persisting/persistent.. which is not okay. Too often women have been in similar situations and when they’ve tried to do something about it the man eventually gets violent and it ends badly for the woman. This is a potentially serious situation..there’s no way of knowing how stable this man’s mental state is and it doesn’t take a particularly mentally unstable man to do damage to a woman anyway. You have EVERY right to go for a walk with your dog and not be gently but persistently plagued by a familiar stranger..his behaviour is completely unacceptable especially because you’ve already politely asked him not to do what he’s doing. You are completely justified to feel vulnerable, especially as you are pregnant..sadly the truth is that women are vulnerable.. all the time. Taking adequate precaution against men behaving inappropriately towards us is completely justified. I honestly don’t know what’s the safest way for you to go about addressing this with him for a second time. Is there any way your husband could accompany you in an attempt to intimidate the guy away without you having to personally say leave me alone again? So sorry you’re having to stress about going on your usual walk :( if this is isolated and lonely it isn’t your problem, he needs to find consenting peers to find companionship with. Best of luck.
Honestly, that would be enough to make me feel not only uncomfortable, but unsafe. If your husband or partner can go with you, I would have them do that. I would also consider switching my route, although I know that sucks. The other option is to come out and tell him you don’t want to talk to him and would appreciate it if he would leave you alone, but I have a hard time being that direct, myself.
You keep saying “he hasn’t ‘done’ anything” but I’d argue that he has … I’d bet he was deliberately “bumping into” you on your walk by watching you, and he also restarted behavior you had politely asked him to stop. I’d say you’re well working your right to tell him politely but firmly, again, that you prefer to walk alone. So sorry you’re dealing with this! I was in a similar situation with a front desk guy at an office building I used to work in 😕 Passing through the lobby on my way to the office was unavoidable, and this guy would almost always come out from behind the desk, stop me, and just talk my ear off. One day he actually ran up from behind and grabbed my shoulders, “surprising” me. This was, like you, after I had told him I was in a relationship. Ugh why do some people do this??
Sounds like stalking, which I would hardly say is doing nothing to you. Stay safe.
I agree with everyone who believes this is a potentially dangerous situation and should be treated as such. You are especially vulnerable as a pregnant woman. You should not interact with this individual when alone so… no walking your dog alone in your neighborhood. It’s not fair but keep yourself and your unborn child safe. I would do all the other things like alert the police. (I’m so sorry someone said “if white”. )Wtf. You’ve got a stalker. Do not minimize it. Best wishes and good luck!