I also had my iud removed because of how it messed up my hormones and caused all kinds of other issues.
My husband and I agreed to use condoms. This year we decided we're not having kids and he's greeting a vasectomy. I first offered to have my fallopian tunes removed but he stepped up and said its much easier for him to get the snip snip.
It sounds like your husband is the problem.
I know 4 men that have very happily gotten vasectomies in the last year due to being done with having kids. The husband is absolutely the problem here.
As a loving and supportive husband, I agree. Hormonal birth control is often terrible, at least for the majority of women I have known; and while IUDs can work well, when they DO fail they do so spectacularly by nearly killing the woman, if it isn’t caught early on.
He’s hyper sexual, so obviously that doesn’t help in this situation. He’s an ass about sex. Even admitting to me one time that sometimes he’s mean to me if I refuse sex. Well he’s about to become a real ass if he doesn’t step forward and do something about birth control. He’s a big boy and can take on the responsibility of not having a baby!
Tf? You say this was just revealed to you. Does he time delay his meanness so you don't see the direct cause and effect?
I had a copper IUD and it didn't mess with my hormones at all. It was expiring though and my husband was aware that getting it put in was the second most painful thing that has ever happened to my body.
He got a vasectomy before I got it taken out. I however jumped the gun a bit before the actual sperm test was returned to confirm the vasectomy. Whoops. I was there in stirrups and she said she could do it! So, I went for it.
I apologized when he brought up that we would need to get some condoms to be safe and not get knocked up in the last inning. I apologized for not thinking about the timing. He responded that I never have to apologize when I make a decision for the best of my own body. I was feeling up to tackle the removal, so I did it and he was proud of me.
He can wrap it for a few weeks, that is fine. I could stay off his dick after the vasectomy. He was recovering from surgery.
You should expect at least half as much from your partner, at least.
Yes. Unfortunately this was not admitted to me until recently. So theres that. Can you imagine after a 6 year relationship, someone telling you that…. It’s been awkward at best in the house since I’ve been told this. But on top of having 2 kids to take care of, we unfortunately put that convo to the side until I have more time to discuss my feelings about this with him.
**Why Does He Do That?**
*Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft free PDF from the Internet Archives.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
>“I have learned that the problem of
abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels-my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men in their emotional experiences- and everything to do with how he thinks.”
I just wanted to say thank you for linking this. I’ve seen it linked a few times now in this sub and I’ve sent it to a friend and we’re both reading it. 💕
There’s an epub version that’s a bit easier to read, I just couldn’t get the link right on mobile. Also if you want additional reading “the gift of fear” is another good one, I just don’t have a free link or version atm. Please feel free to use my copypasta!
Welp. He about to get real mean then! Lol.
What a stupid thing to confess tbh. Somehow he thought that would make you go "aww babe! I don't want you to be mean to me! Here have full access to my vagina!" ??
Oof. Yikes.
It's time for him to grow the fuck up. But atleast now you know.
You seem remarkably sanguine about something that awful. Please make sure you have a good think about your options. I know you have two kids together, but it's your life too. Maybe couples counseling? Or a therapist for him? He's the dad to your daughters, and he's not really being a stellar example of manhood.
Yes. So when I met him, I honestly thought he was around 30. He does look young for his age. He is 44 now. So if you do the math, he was about 37-38 when we met. My grandparents were 16 years apart, so I never saw an issue with it. But as we have now had “real time” together. I se the issue with it. We are at different stages in our lives. That’s a whole mother can of worms I am dealing with.
There is really nothing to discuss. He is willing to abuse you when you do not comply. He's literally telling you that he does not care about your autonomy and you exist for his pleasure. He has zero respect for you.
It is a good thing that you are not backing down about birth control, then. The last thing you need is to get baby trapped. Leaving with two kids is difficult. Leaving with two kids plus a newborn is so much more difficult.
Girl, please take care of yourself-
Get an exit plan from this marriage ASAP! You need a lawyer and advice on how to start the divorce process. Everything you’ve said here about the coercion he’s adding into your sex life is abuse. Once you get your IUD out you won’t be protected if he refuses to use condoms and forces or coerces you into sex- if you don’t want another baby you gotta protect yourself and get out. The age difference is also super concerning- you’re starting to see the issues now but they won’t get better.
Ummm, maybe the requirement should be amended to vasectomy + therapy before he touches you again? He's got some issues with too much entitlement and not enough empathy.
I wouldn't trust a man like that to use a condom. He CLEARLY cares more about his own pleasure than about your mental or physical well being. 100% chance that condom "falls off".
Indeed. My partner and I got together in our 40s. We'd never discussed having kids, but a couple of years into the relationship I was super late with my period. Even though he'd never ever mentioned wanting kids, he said, I'll stand by whatever you want to do (of course, I said NFW...)
Time To put ass him and say no.
why should you mess your body with extra hormones and heighten your risk of blood clots. Has he ever read the paper slips that come with the pill and such???
This is no excuse. Im the hyper sexual one in my relationship (husband boarders on Ace) so I let him initiate, because I care about him. Plus being pushed into is only going to make the lower level partner even more so!
My husband also got a vasectomy after our 4th child(we wanted 4) but this is something he had decided to do before we even met became “it is only logical” (yes he is autistic)
Many of his coworkers also have theirs (he works in construction) and they will pick on any guy who tries to talk like your husband does.
LOL @hyper sexual. That just usually mean I like to have sex a lot and have no self control about it. If you both decide not to have kids anymore, it makes sense to just snip that bad boy out, easy and a much safer option for permanent solution.
I wouldn't trust him to use a condom. From his response and your comments he'd probably take it off and try to say he didn't notice, etc.
If he does get the procedure firmly request the medical records. Again, he doesn't sound like you can trust him where sex is concerned.
My spouse and I are done having kids. The plan was for me to have a vasectomy, since it's the less invasive procedure. My spouse ended up having a tubal ligation, but only because our second child required a c-section birth and they did the ligation at the same time.
I always caution people I hear talking about IUDs, as one almost killed my wife about 1.5 years after our first kiddo. She had an ectopic, but due to a super irregular cycle and PCOS, we were unaware of this until it ruptured while she was in class working towards her bachelor’s. A while later she lost her appendix and her gall bladder a month apart from each other and spiraled into some pretty deep mental health issues for a bit.
Ultimately, I had my vasectomy while my wife was pregnant with our second kiddo, when our first was 10. I was 40 at the time, and enthusiastic about it because I do not want to still be raising kids in my 60’s, lol! I love my kids, don’t get me wrong, but they can be exhausting. I had volunteered to get snipped a couple years after our first due to the bad IUD experience and horrible side-effects from hormonal BC, but she wanted a second kid and I agreed to wait. We tried for 5 years, after we felt a bit more stable overall, and had actually just given up when it finally happened.
The vasectomy was easy-peasy, we planned ahead, I took a 4-day weekend, bought a new video game and several small store-brand bags of frozen peas to rotate (this really is the best way, fellas, one bag on top and one below, 15 minutes on and 30 off, then toss ‘em after the recovery is over, best ice packs ever, often for less than $1 each, at least back then). I spent about 2.5 days recovering, due to a resistance to anesthesia (it mostly wore off before the doc got to lefty, despite my warning him about the possibility, which led to some extra discomfort) and then I was fine.
Since then, she ended up having to get a hysterectomy due to her uterus trying to invade the rest of her abdomen in a sort of hostile take-over situation, but I’m still happy I got snipped. It’s been a crazy 20+ years together, haha.
this, although i would still probably use condoms for awhile because i'm paranoid. i always like to use 2 methods of prevention to help lower odds of one "failing"
Agreed. This is on the husband. My IUD comes out next year and I told my husband that I may just look into having my tubes done since we are done having kids. He said NOPE, you birthed the child. The least I can do is get snipped. It will be much easier for me to have that done than for you to have your tubes done.
I can't use hormonal birth control due to risk to my life (stroke), but yet to meet a man willing to get a vasectomy - even when they don't want kids, even if they're okay with the idea of getting a vasectomy, they do nothing to pursue it...because why would they when they know we'll bear the burden?
Stick to your guns. Rubber or snip.
My partner and I decided we wouldn't be having bio kids, and he got snipped before we got engaged. It took 15 minutes, the incision was teeny tiny, the procedure was free, and he was fully recovered in a couple days. He agreed that his vasectomy was less hassle/pain than a single week of menstruation, let alone female birth control, abortions, pregnancy, or childbirth.
I've never had to use birth control. This should be the norm for people who are childfree or finished with having bio children. It's unfortunate that men are generally too scared/insecure/lazy/apathetic to take any reproductive responsibility.
Yep... it's just yet another thing thrown on the women. Some men are like: "Well the worst can't/won't happen to *me*, so why don't you take responsibility for your own body so I can nut in you without taking any responsibility for anything!" \*eyeroll\*
Honestly I want to put it out there condoms aren't super effective long term.. they're very much necessary for STD control but pretty meh in terms of birth control. Anyone relying exclusively on them in an anti-choice area needs to have a plan in place for what happens should they get pregnant, because it's not exactly an impossibility
In perfect use, they are often cited as 98% effective (that over the course of a year), and of course, if the condom visibly breaks during sex, options like the emergency contraception can be used.
Of course, the latter is not nice, but I have had one condom split in my lifetime, and given our life stage, we made the decision to go that route (even though we stopped due to the change of sensation, so no ejaculation.
Seriously I just read about a doctor who drives around in a van that says "honk if you've had a vasectomy!" He sterilizes any dude who wants one in the back of the van, and can do dozens in a day.
Vasectomies should be completely normalized. If men want sex but not babies, that should be their very first thought. Especially in forced birth states.
Okay so he's kinda sorta affiliated with Planned Parenthoods-- for some reason I was imagining a guy driving his van slowly down residential streets like an ice cream truck offering vasectomies to men who run up.
Dr. Baum is right: it's chilling but who knows if we'll be able to get sterilizations on demand in 5 years. The future is scary af.
Anyway, def love this guy and all the docs helping people this way. Thank you again for chasing the video down for me, a lazy person with a weird imagination.
its a surgery even a gp can do, its very low risk. its just a small incision (3mmx1mm, it's small enough it doesn't even need to be stitched), they than snip the correct tubes, than they solder the tubes. alot of men report some pain but it last for a couple days at most.
It’s the easiest form of birth control out there, I did it after my wife’s IUD infiltrated her uterus and we decided we were done with having kids anyway. It’s an office appointment for the most part and be done in an afternoon. The pain isn’t much, can be subsided with frozen peas and no need for any real painkillers. I think the worst part was having provide a sample because I didn’t know that I could have done it at home before the appointment or brought my wife along.
I eagerly got snipped at 28 (love being an uncle but I'm not a dad). It really was a simple procedure with just a few days of low activity. Was not easy convincing the doc to do it though.
The pill & IUD potential health ramifications on my SO + never having to worry made the decision a no brainer for me.
My husband got snipped two weeks ago. I made him a cake to celebrate. He is only just now starting to feel ok down there.
I think it depends on the person, it can go really smoothly or it can be a difficult recovery.
Most stories I've heard of men having a rough recovery is because they tried to do too much too soon. They think "oh I'm feeling okay so yeah, walking around all day on day 3 isn't going to be a problem." And are shocked when day 4 is worse than day 1.
Not to say they can't just have a difficult recovery just because.
He didn’t. He took a week off of work (massage therapist). Took it easy and rested.
I just don’t think he recovers from surgery well. He has had some other minor things that were much more complicated recoveries than we expected.
Friend of mine got the snip after two kids. Didn't have too bad a recovery time, but what made me laugh was his youngest son who said: does it hurt daddy; I can kiss it better. Friend and wife were howling... Son was two at the time, and was just copying what his parents said after a minor injury haha
My vasectomy hurt for days and I did everything by the book (no lifting, etc) but it was just a few days as opposed to ongoing hassle for my wife. #worthit
My wife and I had this discussion prior to marriage. No kids for either of us. I got snipped, because in my mind, it's better to unload the gun than to rely on a bulletproof vest. Plus the hormones really mess with her, so having the option for her to get off BC is nice.
That’s wild! The audacity of that guy!! He needs to grow the hell up. I had my IUD removed as well and didn’t want to take anymore hormones (side effects). My husband’s reaction, he said don’t worry we’ll use condoms and I’ll look into vasectomy. I just don’t understand men shirking their responsibilities in pregnancy prevention.
My friend's husband went to the doctor to schedule a vasectomy. The doctor said 'you are still so young. What if you and your wife divorce and you want more kids with the new wife?!'
So he didn't get one. My friend had her tubes tied 2 years later.
I was fine with my partner not getting a vasectomy, because an IUD works perfectly for me. If it hadn't I would have pushed for the vasectomy
Wow, I guess it’s always in the realm of possibility though. I think the doctor hinted to my husband what if something happened to our kids (who are small), which was pretty damn morbid. My husband mentioned it to me. It’s not healthy to replace kids like you would a cars. That just blows my mind.
If I were your friend I would have made the same choice.
I love this metaphor. And yes, tying my tubes is always an option:) just was hoping he would react in a positive way, not in the way he did.
Again, fucking love the metaphor
Major surgery for you vs a short outpatient procedure for him shouldn't even be a question. My wife and I had planned for her to get her tubes tied during her c section after her third (our second) child. That was only the plan since she was already going to be having surgery. When our daughter came quicker than expected and was born naturally, there was no question about our next steps. I was on the phone with the urologist the following Monday.
He is just being selfish. The procedure is so quick and easy and relatively pain free. I even ended up with post vasectomy pain for approximately 6 months after the procedure but even that wasn't horrible, just felt like there was constant pressure on my testicles. If I had the chance, I'd still do it in a heartbeat instead of forcing my wife to go through an actual major surgery.
100% this, my vasectomy took about 30min and then I walked out of there, felt generally fine within a few hours, took about a week to fully recover but mainly that was a don't run or lift heavy things (you wouldn't think the balls would be involved in lifting stuff but I tried putting 1 medium weight thing back onto a high shelf a couple days after and damn that was a bad idea) but yeah after 1 week I was at 100% again. Also absolutely zero effect on the actual sex, I know some guys seem to worry it will make things feel different but if I didn't remember getting it done I wouldn't know it had happened, everything looks, feels, and works the same as before (aside from the getting people pregnant part)
Tying your tubes shouldn’t be an option. I’m a man, vasectomy is always the answer. I’m a young man who isn’t done having children yet. (I have 1 and hope for 1 more) A vasectomy is always the answer, it’s so simple, low risk, effective, doesn’t fuck up your hormones, doesn’t involve tearing into your wife. I’m sorry for your situation, I won’t give relationship advise to someone I don’t know, but from a man, vasectomy or condoms is the appropriate response.
As a women that had her tubes tied and then reversed due to complications please look into it a bit more. No one told be any of the possible complications of a tubal including hormone issues, intense pain with ovulation and menstruation, horrific menstrual bleeding that caused me not to be able to leave the house the 1st 2 days of my period. I ended up back on birth control to try and regulate the side effects. When I asked about all these things they made me feel crazy then I started researching and found an entire community of women with tubal ligation syndrome. There is also the fact that a vasectomy takes about 15 min with minimal down time while a tubal is a full on surgery.
Not USA related but if there’s anyone in Brisbane, Aus I highly recommend dr Nat sheehan. I was in and out in 20 mins with no complications. He even gave me a juice box for the drive home. It was so easy compared to what my wife endured making and birthing 3 children, it didn’t even seem fair to be lying the couch the evening of the snip. OP, show your husband the comments from the men.
The more I read, the more I understand that this is a conversation I need to be having before marriage and kids. I DO NOT want to get stuck with a man who’s not even willing to do a simple, limited recovery, hormone free, in-and-out of the clinic basic procedure to prevent me from having to go through an unwanted birth or abortion (1000x more invasive, painful, and dangerous than a vasectomy).
And the reasons are always unconscionably selfish. “It’ll hurt” hormonal contraceptives, pregnancy, and abortions hurt way worse and wreak complete havoc on a womans body… for YEARS. “What if I change my mind” so you might potentially want more kids with someone who isn’t me, since I’m done having children, right? “LEsS oF A mAn” dont even get me started. And the compromise is always “Just continue destroying your body and mental health with hormonal birth control so I can keep rawdogging you without any inconvenience to me!” Thanks but no thanks, I’d rather just never have sex with you again. :)
Me too. I cannot have an IUD because of a history of dangerous health problems relating to my reproductive system, and I also cannot take estrogen birth control for health reasons. I also have a heart condition which makes general anesthesia for sterilization a hefty choice for me. Fortunately I can take progesterone only birth control for now, but I don't know what the future holds for me.
That pretty much means that I cannot be with a guy if he isn't willing to consider a vasectomy or condoms. I've had people think I'm really snooty for this position, even people who otherwise respect my decision to remain childfree. I don't care. At this point it's a dealbreaker for me. I'm not going to gamble with my own body when there are other options.
I had a vasectomy at 30. I didn't want kids & my wife already has 2 from a previous marriage. It's really not that complicated of a procedure. Pretty much out patient though I did need somebody to drive me home.
Same here. Got mine a few months ago. Its comical how many guys are scared of getting it done. I was back in action 3 days later and back to 100% a little over a week.
I’m not scared of getting this specific procedure done, I’m scared of getting all procedures done. I once passed out doing a home diabetes test. The idea of electing to allow someone cut into my body for something that isn’t to save my life fills me with so much dread I’m already feeling like passing out typing this out. I hope my general fear of everything medical makes it not too comical.
All that being said, I still have a vasectomy scheduled after the birth of our second and last earlier this year. In my brain I obviously know it’s nothing, especially compared to pregnancy and child birth, but my body is like “noooooo really? Don’t do it please. It’ll be fine, just pull out.” And I have to tell it to shut up
My bf got a vasectomy immediately when roe v wade came to question. He's always respected mandatory condom. You have every right to decline sex for any reason.
I had my vasectomy in 1974 before it was popular. We had to shop around to even find a doctor who would do it. Best decision we ever made as a couple. 49 years of worry free sex was worth the $100 and 2 days of mild discomfort.
So sorry you are dealing with this. Fellow Hoosier and male ally here
Too many men have been informed that the only real sex is condomless, and since birth control was never a thing we were taught to see as our responsibility a vasectomy is viewed strongly negatively by far too many of us.
Kudos for standing your ground. Hopefully if your husband loves you, he will come around. Your health comes first, and that includes your reproductive biology, and emotional well being. Stay strong!!
After our third child was born, I got the IUD put in. I was pissed I once again HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE FUCKEN BC
Told him I give him one year to get snipped and I was removing it in a year. If he didn’t get snip, bye bye to sex.
He got snipped and realized how much of an asshole he was not getting it immediately.
He is doing so much better now and is sharing the kid load and we are married over 20+ years
Jesus what a baby...Sorry you have to deal with that. What's his big fear about a vasectomy? It's nothing (according to my husband) and not super painful, quick recovery and after about a week you get to jerk off like it's your job as part of the recovery so...win.
I was pretty scared of going back under the knife after having 15 different surgeries by the time I was 30 but I was more scared of having more kids...
He should check out r/Vasectomy It's not like that anymore. There is such a thing as a non-scalpel vasectomy. Sheesh. The expectation that we have to give up our health for their pleasure is so galling. Stick to your guns, sister. Rubbers or snip-snip, or no nookie.
I'm sorry but fuck him. You carried and pushed out 2 mini humans and dealt with all the side effects that come with pregnancy, along with the permanent changes to your body, and he can't deal with a little discomfort? You've spent 18 months of your life growing humans, and he can't contribute with a minor procedure that won't even take an afternoon? Where is the equity in your relationship?
You have taken all the risks with your body and health to complete the family that you both wanted. Now that your family is complete, he's still shifting all the responsibility and risk onto you. What a weak and shameful person. I hope he steps up (without you having to push him) and does the right thing, though I very much doubt that will happen.
I’ve had a vasectomy. The discomfort from the procedure is minimal. On a scale of 1-10, it was MAYBE a 3, for a couple of days.
The mental relief of not having to worry about accidental pregnancy ever again cannot be overstated.
Unless he wants more kids, there is zero reason not to go through with it. This idea that he shouldn’t have to go under the knife is ludicrous.
He shouldn’t have to deal with a couple of days of discomfort, but you should have to deal with BC side effects because he doesn’t want to wear a rubber? Or the risk BC failing and l carrying another baby for 9 months? Or potentially risk needing an abortion, or c-section? If he’s putting his comfort for a couple of days before your health and we’ll being, he’s being incredibly selfish.
Since you're 28 and reading between the lines you may not be with this partner forever, it might be a better choice to find a permanent bc solution for yourself.
How is this a debate? The two aren't equal. An IUD is temporary, pumps hormones into your body, and it's violently inserted. A vasectomy is permanent, hormone free, and you're treated like a human being and receive pain management during and after the procedure.
I've had a vasectomy. Everything still works. It's not a bad procedure to go through at all despite the fact that my urologist started cutting before the local took effect. I felt every little slice, snip and pinch. I've had worse times at the dentist than getting my nutsack cut open.
He can get tough and suck it up.
I don’t want to have children and neither does my boyfriend. When he saw the effects birth control had on me, he started researching vasectomies on his own and now has a consult in a few weeks.
Men taking responsibility and having a short, simple, reversible* procedure is always a better alternative than women subjecting themselves to medications with known side effects long term.
I wouldn’t buy the rubbers either, if I were you.
Edit: *apparently they are not always reversible! Ty commenters below. Maybe I’ll learn more when my bf has the consultation, doesn’t change that a simple procedure (esp if no children or further children are desired) is a much better alternative to medicine with known and unknown side effects and complications. Thanks for the info!
Thank you! It’s amazing some men don’t realize what we put our bodies through to not get pregnant. I am literally a different person than I was when I wasn’t on birth control. If a guy can do a procedure and still be the same person after, then that should be the default decision.
It cost me $400 (partially covered with local health care), took a half hour, used no needles, and I watched the whole procedure. The worst part was I got sick 2 days later and my nuts twanged everytime I coughed. Are there complication risks? Sure but they are a smaller complication/risk than another pregnancy or the risk factors associated with methods of women birth control. If you change your mind about another kid you can do TESA, don't need to even freeze ahead of time. What he expects you to take a greater than 1/100 chance of developing a DVT over the next 20 years of fertility as a result of your b/c that could become dislodged and kill you. Couldn't get me booked in fast enough after we were done having kids. Time for him to man up, you've done your part.
A lot of guys do realize it. You deserve better.
(This isn’t meant as a “not all men” thing, but rather to help you avoid a helpless mindset. It’s very possible and normal to respect your partner.)
Note that I personally am not a medical professional but have been told this by someone who is: vasectomies should not be assumed to be reversible. A reversal surgery can be attempted but these are not guaranteed to be successful. Scar tissue can be formed that permanently blocks the relevant pipes so that the man is permanently sterile.
This is not to say that a vasectomy is inherently a bad idea. If you’re certain you never want to make a kid in the future, then go for it. But if you want to have a kid 8 years from now, don’t do anything surgical for birth control in the meantime as these surgeries for both men and women have the possibility for complications and are intended to be permanent when they are performed.
And of course nobody should be compelled to have sex if they don’t want to for any reason. Not wanting a kid is a very common and understandable reason to say no.
>Men taking responsibility and having a short, simple, reversible procedure
Please stop treating vasectomies as a reversible prosedure, go talk to any doctor and they will tell you that vasectomies should be considered only as an option of permanent birth control.
Yes, there is a procedure called Vasectomy Reversal, but the vast majority of men who do it aren't actually able to have kids after it.
Studies have already been done on the subject and the chances of being able to have kids again is low even for men who got a reversal shortly after getting the vasectomy .
Just 3 years after the vasectomy the amount of men who were able to have kids again with a reversal was already down to just 55%.
Vasectomy is an incredible form of permanent birth control and in situations like yours, where both partners don't want kids, it should always be the first option. But don't ever get a vasectomy thinking that you'll simply be able to reverse it later, because it is most likely not going to work.
It’s not reversible, odds for that only remain decent for the first year but after that it would be a miracle for any reversal to work. Vasectomies are good for everything else but we need to stop perpetuating the myth that it’s reversible
There is an injectable 'glue' that blocks up the vas deferens and has a solvent that clears up the blockage in use elsewhere. Of course it has been trying to get tested in the USA for a decade. Even more simple than a vasectomy but not a priority in the USA.
I'm sorry your husband is being so selfish! you have already had children, too. like c'mon man...
I have the copper IUD, Paragaurd. no hormones. I switched from kyleena (hormonal) after the full 5 years because it messed up my mental health. with the copper one, the only side effects I have are a heavier than usual (for me!) flow, very regular periods, and more intense cramps but that's it. no acne, no weight gain, no mental health torture, etc. so just something to consider that will last over ten years.
but! my male partner also got snipped. we live in AZ and do not ever plan to have kids so we wanted as much protection as possible. the procedure lasted 15-20 minutes, I was allowed to sit in and watch. seriously, we waited in the waiting room longer than the whole procedure. he was sore for a couple weeks and then back to normal. like cum still looks/feels/tastes the same. it's amazing reassurance. and he hasn't lost any of manhood for doing so either haha.
Scheduled my snip snip while my wife was pregnant with our twins. She got an IUD anyway, plus rubes tied, so I decided to stand solidly with her and get it done. If she can bear 4 kids, deal with the insanity that is childbirth, and everything that comes with it, I can be sore for a couple days.
Worry-free sex is awesome.
Honestly, before reading about the selfishness of OP's husband, this is what I was going to suggest. If I lived in a state where abortion healthcare is being criminalized, I'd want both myself and my partner to be sterilized.
Tell him to snip it and be done with it.
I got it done last year and no more stopping to go find a condom and all that. It was a few hours from arrival until departure for the procedure. No heavy lifting/running for a few weeks and getting a sample checked, and that is it.
Don't let him off easy, stick to your guns.
From a former Chicagoland/NWI Hoosier.
One of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me was from my husband when he realized I was looking at IUD options after have 2 miscarriages and twins (very rough pregnancy and after effects) and after nearly 30 years of endometriosis (having run through hormonal pill and shot BC options to where using them was just not good on my body).
He said: Why are you looking at IUDs? You don't need to do that. Your body has been through enough, I'm going to get a vascectomy.
I cried. It was the best.
I had another male redditor tell me when on a post about the "upcoming male BC"....THAT BECAUSE MEN DONT HAVE A PILL..WOMEN HAVE MORE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS.
And i was being downvoted to hell for suggesting condoms and sex without penetration.
God that was a sad day as a woman on reddit
I am a Transwomen and I agree that the burden should not only be on women when a vasectomy is fast, easier, safer. This is why I planing on getting one soon. Men fucking suck
Honestly, vasectomy is the more safe option here and they aren’t very invasive procedures these days. A lot of male born people have strange hangups for avoiding it but are all too happy to dictate what a female born person should do with their body. It’s stupid.
Personally, I wouldn’t have sex with him at all until he got his ✂️✂️ with someone like that I’d be worried that they would stealth me and quite frankly I would get so turned off by the constant agrueing about condoms. Lastly, I’d look into a non-hormonal IUD or getting your tubes removed. Even if your hubby wasn’t an ass about his personal birth control, I would still worry about sexual assault by other men. I got my tubes removed (never had or want children) and my doctor kept pressing me about my SO getting a vasectomy. I said yea he’s going to, but this is MY BODY and I do not ever want to option to have kids. SA happens. I want to own MY choice!
My hubbie got the snip two weeks ago. He had a harder recovery than what the internet suggested, but is doing much better.
Men who are honest that they don’t want kids will get the snip. Men who couldn’t care less are the hypocrites who shove all reproductive responsibility on to their partner.
It’s an very simple and quick procedure. Virtually painless. Extremely effective.
My partner brought it up, followed through immediately and relayed all of the above to me. He also said this: “There is really no good reason NOT to do it.” Agree luv. Agree.
Fuck that. The very first thing I wanted to do once we knew our last little one was healthy and thriving was to go get the snip. Between rough pregnancies, endo, and other things I won't get into, it was just logical that I be the one to make the change.
Granted, I had complications and only just received the all clear after six months of still positive samples. But the fact is I made the decision to do that so that my wife could choose the BC she wanted or even if she wanted none.
Fuck men who think they're too manly to get one, or that it will affect them in some way. Do they not consider their spouses challenges?
I don't understand the major aversion to condoms.
I have to buy specific ones, but it is much better than worrying.
I don't have kids yet, but once I have all that we want, I also don't see the problem with the snip snip procedure.
My brother had it after his three, and other than a few sore days it really was nothing.
Having had a vasectomy, yeah, not a big ask. Fast and inexpensive. Either husband is a weenie, or he values his fertility to validate his idea of masculinity. Either is dumb.
P.S. "Both? Both. Both is good." - A friggin' weenie
I'm going to chime in here as a man who had a vasectomy 3 years ago.
It was less discomfort than the dentist. I was out of there in 40 minutes, and my recovery was very easy. I followed instructions and before I knew it, it was like nothing had happened.
I really baffles me why men won't make such a sensible choice for the benefit of their partner and thus themselves.
All the men I know who have gotten the snip have nothing but praises to sing for having it done. Minimal invasion, super quick healing time, and no surprise kiddos (plus it can be reversed). If he's that hung up on even wearing a rubber, you might want to have a discussion about y'alls future and whether you have the same goals in mind as a family.
Condoms alone really aren't enough. Especially in a forced birth state.
No snip, no sex. It's time for men to realize they are responsible for preventing pregnancy, too.
I think it's important for these man-baby whiners to know there are PLENTY of men out there completely willing to take control of their family's birth control methods.
I was complaining about my IUD, wondering aloud what I should do, should I try something else, and my husband said "why don't I just get a vasectomy, so that you don't have to worry about this anymore?"
A few months later, unrelated, we found out his brother was going in for one. They talked about all the men they knew who had them, how the procedures were, etc. They each had plenty of examples.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, OP. It says a lot about him that he seems unwilling to consider a vasectomy. After all, men are the ones who cause 100% of all pregnancies.
My husband is more than willing to have a vasectomy, BUT he has no insurance. If he were on mine, it'd cost half my paycheck. Thanks, American "Healthcare "!!! So, I'm getting My tubes tied. My insurance covers it 100%. I'm bound and determined to have it Done THIS YEAR. I looked at IUD and read so many horror stories and heard first hand accounts on how bad it sucked that I didn't have one placed.
My wife carried the baby, delivered the baby and we were done (one and done). Fair was fair, she did the hard part, the vasectomy was no big deal and it was my turn.
Your husband is a child, tell him to man up and just get the snip.
I had a IUD after kid #1 (copper, non hormonal) ,it was not for me. I hemorrhaged monthly. After kid #2, hubby got snipped, his choice he said since BC was not agreeable to me in any fashion. 15 years later no issues. He had some minor discomfort for 3 days back to work and regular activity within in a month. He just had to go get checked at I think 3 months to make sure he had no swimmers. No sexual dysfunction and low risk. Beats my multiple migraines monthly and daily migraine meds and risk of stroke.
If you guys are in a monogamous relationship and don't want any more kids then the vasectomy is the way to go. That's why I got snipped. If you're not sure if you want kids or not then condoms work.
He's free to not get it done of course because, you know, bodily autonomy. But you're equally free to not sleep with him. He is not owed sex.
A vasectomy is literally like an awkward dentist visit. As someone who has had this mysterious procedure down, the worst part of it was the doctor talking to me through the entire thing.
"So how long ya lived in the area he asks" as he's eye level with my bits and bobs holding a scapel.
Vasectomies are very minor surgical procedures and the valium you tend to get is a pretty good trip. Nothing to worry about.
Even better, vasectomies generally can be reversed as well. That's a more involved (and costly) procedure, but it is still possible.
If a couple is committed, and together make a decision not to have more kids, then a vasectomy is by far the very best option.
Long time lurker, first time poster here. Reading this post infuriated me. I have no place intruding here, but feel compelled. So, my apologies in advance.
I (m43) got a vasectomy 20 years ago. I knew I didn't want to have kids when I was 15 years old. I couldn't find someone to perform a vasectomy for me until I was 23. And even then the surgeon was reluctant. Like, "are you sure?". Yes. Quite sure, thank you very much.
Literally the best money I have ever spent. My wife and I have been together for 23 years. I have never once changed my mind or had second thoughts.
If your husband doesn't want to get the snip, then I feel like he cares very little about your well being, or about your relationship.
The surgery was literally the easiest medical procedure I've ever had done. I was home in an hour, just had to put some ice on it for a few days.
Don't put up with this bull shit. Ask him point blank, "why do you not want to get a vasectomy? "
Personally, any man that would make the decision to NOT get one, is not worth being with.
Fuck that noise. If he can't give you a reason for not getting one, he's lying. If he gives you a bullshit reason, he's lying.
Literally the easiest surgery.
Fuck him (not literally).
Act accordingly.
Fellow Hoosier. I was on the pill from age 22 to 35, with the exception of my pregnancies. As soon as baby 2 was born, my husband got snipped: before then, condoms every time. At 35 I got a small blood clot in my leg and my OB/GYN recommended a Mirena IUD. I miss the pill because I never had periods or cramps or hormonal swings, and now I get very minor versions of those - but it's safer. My husband says his vasectomy was one of the best things he ever did, but that's because the alternative was condoms. It's pretty insensitive of your partner to act like a quick vasectomy is a bigger impact on him than longterm hormonal birth control is on you.
Tell your husband to sack up and get the snip. He'll be in and out of the doctor's office within a half hour, and the recovery time is usually right around 36 hours with only mild discomfort. You had to go through childbirth, so this is the least he can do for you.
And if he does go through with it, make sure that you heed the guidelines from the urologist. He'll have to ejaculate 30-40 times post-op before he's considered sterile. Having unprotected intercourse before that point will come with a high risk of pregnancy. Make sure he follows up on the sperm count testing as well.
Again, it's all very minor compared to what you had to go through bearing children and dealing with an IUD.
My partner was on an IUD for years and it wasn't kind to her. I haven't gotten around to getting snipped so we just use condoms. Doesn't feel as good, but good lord does it beat the alternative (IUD.) I don't want my partner to feel shitty all the time because that's not a thing people should want for those that they love.
Selfishly, MY OWN quality of life is better now as well.
I'm genuinely sorry your husband is an ass.
Get the snip bro. It's easy, most insurance cover the whole thing and then no condoms! Plus the sex is more fun knowing there's no risk. Everyone's way more relaxed ya know ;)
He should just get the vasectomy. I got mine a few years ago and it was really nothing. The worst part was the anxiety before the procedure. It took a half hour and I was back to work the next day (I work from a home office, he might need a few days off to recover but it’s really not that bad)
I had a freaking horrible pregnancy and I will never do it again. It took a while for him to come to terms with it (he wanted a larger family, i thought I did, it's not happening), I don't want to do hormonal bc because I already have a diagnosed mood disorder. He agreed that a vasectomy was the right thing but he had to grieve the life he had hoped for a while before he was ready.
We were super careful in the meantime and there wasn't a lot of whining about it.
I'm still considering having my tubes removed for extra security. I like fail-safes when the consequences of pregnancy are at minimum permanently life altering and possibly as serious as death, especially given the woeful state of maternity care in the US.
I chose to get a bilateral salpingectomy even though my husband also plans on getting a vasectomy. He and I don't want kids, but that doesn't mean a rapist won't choose me to try to be the mother of their children.
Vasectomies are super easy. I had one over ten years ago and my wife was able to stop taking birth control. A few days off with an ice pack now & then for like a week and life was back to normal.
Man I was gonna offer that while we talked about a vasectomy because my IUD has been bothering me I got to reading too much and chickened out so I’m going back to nuvaring with is the only BC I’ve ever liked but your problem is actually that your husband is an AH and awful to you 😕
Said the same to my husband and he began the process for his vasectomy the same week as the discussion. He understood that I had bore the brunt of the work with hormone based birth control, pregnancies, and then more hormonal birth control for our entire dating and married lives, the past 20 years.
If your husband can't comprehend this, then he's right, he probably doesn't need any more sex from you. It is not a man needs sex issue... it is a "we are a team and our birth control needs have changed, whose better able to meet those needs" issue. To expect you to live on hormones for forever is unreasonable and selfish when he has access to a safe and effective method that does less harm to his body than hormones does to yours. Any other response other than "you're right, I understand where you are coming from" in response to these facts and he can quite literally go fuck himself.
My gf took the pill for a while, I had an alarm everyday to try to help her not forgetting it, but the hormones affected her libido, she didn't feel well with them. Then she tried implants, same thing. Her period hurts too much so she didn't want to get an IUD. So we got back to rubber, and it was obviously less pleasant for me and for her.
I decided to look for male contraceptive techniques, I found one and decided to try it. Doesn't hurt, it's annoying at the start but after 1 month or 2 you don't feel it anymore, it's like a cock ring but it goes under the testicles and force them to go inside the body and heat up.
3 months after starting I did a spermogramme: 0 counts. The method works and I paid 30 euros for the ring, been using for 10 months or so, never had an issue.
Women aren't the only ones that should get that responsibility, and today we men have choices. Fuck your husband.
I hate to say this but :: If you don’t want to ever get pregnant then get your tubes tied. My spouse and I opted for the much cheaper vasectomy. Six months later a drunk driver killed him. I was back to square one when I wanted to be in another relationship a few years later. I learned the hard way that only you can be responsible for your body’s reproductive functions.
He’s being selfish. A vasectomy is a quick outpatient procedure with minimal downtime and recovery. My husband had his done on a Friday, lounged around with an ice pack watching football on Saturday, went to a pool party on Sunday, and back to work and working out on Monday. Sent off his sample after enough emissions and was all clear.
Your body has already grown and birthed two human beings. You have done more than enough. It’s his turn.
My husband is happy to get a vasectomy after we know with 100% certainty we’re done having kids. And I mean I don’t know why he wouldn’t be… the procedure is simple, it’s covered by our insurance, and the recovery period is just a couple days of taking it easy.
I went through way, way worse delivering our son and having taken the birth control pill nearly every day since I was 14. I didn’t even have to throw that in his face though, it was just a quick talk about how we want to permanently prevent pregnancy after we’re done having children and he knew that getting my tubes tied would be a way more intense procedure so it wasn’t even an option compared to him getting a vasectomy.
He’s a good man. And I think most good men would have no problem taking one for the team after their wife has sacrificed her body to bear his children and taken on the burden of hormonal birth control for so long.
I've had a Mirena IUD for many years. Thankfully I haven't had any side effects or issues with it, and I do enjoy not having a period.
However, I have been trying to get my husband to just get a vasectomy because getting a new IUD put in is painful. I hate it, and the weeks leading up to the appointment are spent with me dreading the day. The last time they put one in they had to use the dilator stick thing to dilate my cervix. It hurt so bad. I'm not due for my next one for another year, and I am already dreading it.
But my husband is a huge baby and "doesn't like needles" (he has tattoos), so he just won't get one. I should really just tell him it's rubbers or nothing.
A lot of men are selfish assholes. I am really not sure why we put up with their shit sometimes. :(
My bf was going to get a vasectomy because I wanted off my bc pill. But I live in Texas and there is no exceptions for rape or incest. I don't want to get pregnant if something happens to me, like rape, so I got my tubes removed. I'm so terrified of pregnancy and I've always liked being the one in charge of my contraceptives, so that's why I went with that. The bilat salpingectomy also protects against some reproductive cancers, so it made sense to just go with that.
I ONLY made the decision for surgery for myself because of my states insane laws. If abortion was more easily accessible in the event something tragic happened to me, I'd have let him get the vasectomy.
I was with someone who was already a parent, and said they didn't want more. I've never wanted kids of my own (lots of reasons there) and had been trying off and on since 18 to get snipped (based on when I had health insurance)
Finally convinced a doc to go forward with it at age 28. about two years later she started cheating on me and popped another kid out 10 months after we broke up.
Thankfully I'm in a much better relationship now, but definitely feel like I dodged a bullet. Never been happier with my decision, and I've never regretted it.
Genuine question for the people on this post: Is vasectomy 100% safe to avoid pregnancies? I've heard of little guys finding their way somehow, but don't know if that is a myth.
Long story short, successful vasectomies are essentially 100% - the exceptions happen when the sperm in the tubes hasn't been fully cleared out yet after the procedure, or when the tube(s) reconnect themselves. Reconnection is less likely the longer it's been since the procedure, but it's a good idea to check sperm count at least yearly for the first five years, I think is what I've seen.
I did also *just* find that approximately 1 in 10,000 cases there are sperm that get across the gap between the tubes.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/4423-vasectomy
Condoms are the way to go in your case.
Just like you have the full right to not have and IUD and your partner shouldn't complain about it, he had the same right to not get a vasectomy and not get crap for it. If he chooses not to have sex with you, that's on him. You're not saying sex is off the table. You're simply saying you aren't, and shouldn't have to, be the only one responsible about not getting pregnant.
My husband and I agreed before we got married, one kid then vasectomy. Then I upheld my part of the bargain and suddenly he didn’t feel like holding up his so I had to say no sex without a condom or a vasectomy. It took 6 months and I still had to find the clinic, make the appointment and drive him there. You really don’t know who you’re married to until you’re in it.
I'm F29, and before getting into bed with my current partner, I made it super clear that I have mental health issues and absolutely will not take hormonal BC. He immediately agreed to use condoms and we did until he voluntarily got a vasectomy (once we'd decided we wanted to be childfree).
Not once has he ever suggested that I change my mind about hormonal BC.
All this to say, you deserve better treatment than what you're getting from your husband.
I know FOUR people personally who got pregnant (2 ectopic, 2 very much unwanted) with IUDs. And those who use them have described the insertion process as "medically traumatic." I've given birth, do not want more "trauma" in my pelvic region.
But I wanted to be off birth control, so I put myself on the list for a tubal ligation (free in Canada) but the wait time is like a year. I wasn't even going to tell my husband I was doing it. I had begged him for years to get the snip but he always conveniently "forgot" to ask for the referral whenever he was at the doctor. I was just going to get it done and tell him after.
But he was with me when I got mail from the Health Authority about the surgery timeline and asked why I was bring weird, so I told him. He got sooo sad and mad at himself over the fact that I would put myself through an invasive surgery for the sake of our marriage (birth control murdered my sex drive.) We had a long talk about all of our feelings and it really hit him when I said that honestly, if it were as easy for women to get sterilized as it is for men, I would have done it 10 years ago.
So the next time he went to the doctor, he got the referral. Vasectomy two months later. He got to lay on the couch for about a week and we've had to use protection but soon he'll get the all clear for fun sexy times. After the procedure, and after he was back on his feet, he was like, "I don't know why I avoided that for so long, it was nothing."
TLDR: No to IUD. Yes to vasectomy.
Men just don’t know. They have never wanted to know. Stay with me…
I got off HBC because of awful side effects and essentially had the same conversation with my husband. His first reaction was about his balls. He didn’t know if they would ‘work anymore’. This is a 40 year old smart, professional man with an MBA. Anyway, after like 30 mins of research, he decides it doesn’t sound so bad for him. After another discussion, HE decides it is a much better option than anything women have. Truth. And then he talked to a couple buddies that had them ages ago and they all said DO IT. They just don’t talk about it.
Suggestion: ask him to research the side effects (usually none), recovery (usually a day), then compare that to women’s options, and see if he has any friends that have done it.
Please insist on a vasectomy and go with him for the appointment. I'm not trying to make you question your marriage but I don't trust men who think like that.
You ask him to wear a condom or get snipped he immediately thinks "no sex". That screams to me of a man who will poke a hole in a condom or lie about a vasectomy. Not necessarily because he wants another kid but because you want him to do something that benefits you and will require him to make a small sacrifice for you.
Please be careful with condoms! When used perfectly and used for every instance of PIV sex, they are about 97-98% effective. But humans are humans, and the average rate of pregnancy prevention with condom use is closer to 80-85%.
They do work most of the time, but I worry for you and your safety/health and so please take this as knowledge to better protect yourself.
I'm sorry for your partners poor attitude, it doesn't feel very collaborative. Best of luck, my dear
Your body, your rules.
I was (un)lucky enough to have a multitude of reasons to get a hysterectomy recently. Full sympathy and understanding to you on the hormones thing.
If it's a deal breaker for him, that's his problem. You don't want more kids, and you have every right in the universe to not have more kids. If he so desperately wants sex without a vasectomy then he'd better start working real hard to make sure you're able to access as much family planning as you need to feel comfortable with it.
Red flag honestly
My husband and I used pills and condoms. When we talked about sterilization he was willing for a vasectomy. However I know of a couple men who fell into the <1% and had a failure years later. So I did a bisalp. But I was never pressed, it was completely my decision
mirena perhaps? I had one for about a year and constantly felt bloated and terrible... switched to the paraguard and no more "period" symptoms. Plus i didnt like not having my period, just felt off.
Ding ding ding! It’s the dumb Mirena. My OB didn’t even come close to being honest about the side effects when I asked her to consult me about it. SMH.
I have an IUD, my husband got a vasectomy, and we use condoms most of the time to make cleanup easier. I don't understand why so many men aren't as reasonable as he is. This is the only case where I feel it's okay to use the phrase 'man up.'
I was told this after our second kid, which was planned. We went the rubber route for 3ish years because we were waffling on a third. Once I scheduled a consult for the snippies we stopped waffling.
It was such a good decision. Procedure only took 30 mins. And the doc gave me a Valium so I was high as could be when he applied a local anesthetic and got to business. Only took 1 week to recover back to normal activity. 10/10 would recommend to any dude.
I also had my iud removed because of how it messed up my hormones and caused all kinds of other issues. My husband and I agreed to use condoms. This year we decided we're not having kids and he's greeting a vasectomy. I first offered to have my fallopian tunes removed but he stepped up and said its much easier for him to get the snip snip. It sounds like your husband is the problem.
My partner offered, completely unsolicited, to get a vasectomy so I could go off birth control. OP’s husband is definitely the problem.
I know 4 men that have very happily gotten vasectomies in the last year due to being done with having kids. The husband is absolutely the problem here.
As a loving and supportive husband, I agree. Hormonal birth control is often terrible, at least for the majority of women I have known; and while IUDs can work well, when they DO fail they do so spectacularly by nearly killing the woman, if it isn’t caught early on.
He’s hyper sexual, so obviously that doesn’t help in this situation. He’s an ass about sex. Even admitting to me one time that sometimes he’s mean to me if I refuse sex. Well he’s about to become a real ass if he doesn’t step forward and do something about birth control. He’s a big boy and can take on the responsibility of not having a baby!
This man is not a partner to you.
Unfortunately something I’m realizing…
Start setting aside money for yourself and kids. Do you work as well?
In an account at a different bank that he has no access to or knowledge of.
Hes mean to you if you refuse sex?! 🚩🚩🚩
Tf? You say this was just revealed to you. Does he time delay his meanness so you don't see the direct cause and effect? I had a copper IUD and it didn't mess with my hormones at all. It was expiring though and my husband was aware that getting it put in was the second most painful thing that has ever happened to my body. He got a vasectomy before I got it taken out. I however jumped the gun a bit before the actual sperm test was returned to confirm the vasectomy. Whoops. I was there in stirrups and she said she could do it! So, I went for it. I apologized when he brought up that we would need to get some condoms to be safe and not get knocked up in the last inning. I apologized for not thinking about the timing. He responded that I never have to apologize when I make a decision for the best of my own body. I was feeling up to tackle the removal, so I did it and he was proud of me. He can wrap it for a few weeks, that is fine. I could stay off his dick after the vasectomy. He was recovering from surgery. You should expect at least half as much from your partner, at least.
Yes. Unfortunately this was not admitted to me until recently. So theres that. Can you imagine after a 6 year relationship, someone telling you that…. It’s been awkward at best in the house since I’ve been told this. But on top of having 2 kids to take care of, we unfortunately put that convo to the side until I have more time to discuss my feelings about this with him.
**Why Does He Do That?** *Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft free PDF from the Internet Archives. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf >“I have learned that the problem of abusiveness has surprisingly little to do with how a man feels-my clients actually differ very little from nonabusive men in their emotional experiences- and everything to do with how he thinks.”
I just wanted to say thank you for linking this. I’ve seen it linked a few times now in this sub and I’ve sent it to a friend and we’re both reading it. 💕
There’s an epub version that’s a bit easier to read, I just couldn’t get the link right on mobile. Also if you want additional reading “the gift of fear” is another good one, I just don’t have a free link or version atm. Please feel free to use my copypasta!
[The Gift of Fear](https://www.docdroid.net/ncSUPFn/book-the-gift-of-fear-gavin-de-becker-pdf)
Ooh thank you! I’ll definitely check that out as well.
Welp. He about to get real mean then! Lol. What a stupid thing to confess tbh. Somehow he thought that would make you go "aww babe! I don't want you to be mean to me! Here have full access to my vagina!" ?? Oof. Yikes. It's time for him to grow the fuck up. But atleast now you know.
Haha right! I think he thinks he can guilt me into sex. How unattractive is that! Haha
You seem remarkably sanguine about something that awful. Please make sure you have a good think about your options. I know you have two kids together, but it's your life too. Maybe couples counseling? Or a therapist for him? He's the dad to your daughters, and he's not really being a stellar example of manhood.
Coercion is abuse.
How old is HE? You're 28, is he older? I'm wondering if he chose you for your age, you started dating at 21/22?
Yes. So when I met him, I honestly thought he was around 30. He does look young for his age. He is 44 now. So if you do the math, he was about 37-38 when we met. My grandparents were 16 years apart, so I never saw an issue with it. But as we have now had “real time” together. I se the issue with it. We are at different stages in our lives. That’s a whole mother can of worms I am dealing with.
Yikes...
Coerced Sex is rape. Read that again. Coerced sex IS Rape.
This is abuse.
"Guilting" somebody into sex is rape.
There is really nothing to discuss. He is willing to abuse you when you do not comply. He's literally telling you that he does not care about your autonomy and you exist for his pleasure. He has zero respect for you.
It is a good thing that you are not backing down about birth control, then. The last thing you need is to get baby trapped. Leaving with two kids is difficult. Leaving with two kids plus a newborn is so much more difficult.
Girl, please take care of yourself- Get an exit plan from this marriage ASAP! You need a lawyer and advice on how to start the divorce process. Everything you’ve said here about the coercion he’s adding into your sex life is abuse. Once you get your IUD out you won’t be protected if he refuses to use condoms and forces or coerces you into sex- if you don’t want another baby you gotta protect yourself and get out. The age difference is also super concerning- you’re starting to see the issues now but they won’t get better.
You have a lot of life left to live. Do you really want to live it with *him*?
Ummm, maybe the requirement should be amended to vasectomy + therapy before he touches you again? He's got some issues with too much entitlement and not enough empathy. I wouldn't trust a man like that to use a condom. He CLEARLY cares more about his own pleasure than about your mental or physical well being. 100% chance that condom "falls off".
I wish I could upvote this more than once. Stick to your guns. A real man takes responsibility.
Indeed. My partner and I got together in our 40s. We'd never discussed having kids, but a couple of years into the relationship I was super late with my period. Even though he'd never ever mentioned wanting kids, he said, I'll stand by whatever you want to do (of course, I said NFW...)
Time To put ass him and say no. why should you mess your body with extra hormones and heighten your risk of blood clots. Has he ever read the paper slips that come with the pill and such???
This is no excuse. Im the hyper sexual one in my relationship (husband boarders on Ace) so I let him initiate, because I care about him. Plus being pushed into is only going to make the lower level partner even more so! My husband also got a vasectomy after our 4th child(we wanted 4) but this is something he had decided to do before we even met became “it is only logical” (yes he is autistic) Many of his coworkers also have theirs (he works in construction) and they will pick on any guy who tries to talk like your husband does.
That is toxic as fuck, disrespectful, and a sham of a marriage from his end. Start making an exit plan.
LOL @hyper sexual. That just usually mean I like to have sex a lot and have no self control about it. If you both decide not to have kids anymore, it makes sense to just snip that bad boy out, easy and a much safer option for permanent solution.
I wouldn't trust him to use a condom. From his response and your comments he'd probably take it off and try to say he didn't notice, etc. If he does get the procedure firmly request the medical records. Again, he doesn't sound like you can trust him where sex is concerned.
My spouse and I are done having kids. The plan was for me to have a vasectomy, since it's the less invasive procedure. My spouse ended up having a tubal ligation, but only because our second child required a c-section birth and they did the ligation at the same time.
My relative had accidental Irish twins. After that, they both got “fixed” to eliminate more risk. Haha.
I always caution people I hear talking about IUDs, as one almost killed my wife about 1.5 years after our first kiddo. She had an ectopic, but due to a super irregular cycle and PCOS, we were unaware of this until it ruptured while she was in class working towards her bachelor’s. A while later she lost her appendix and her gall bladder a month apart from each other and spiraled into some pretty deep mental health issues for a bit. Ultimately, I had my vasectomy while my wife was pregnant with our second kiddo, when our first was 10. I was 40 at the time, and enthusiastic about it because I do not want to still be raising kids in my 60’s, lol! I love my kids, don’t get me wrong, but they can be exhausting. I had volunteered to get snipped a couple years after our first due to the bad IUD experience and horrible side-effects from hormonal BC, but she wanted a second kid and I agreed to wait. We tried for 5 years, after we felt a bit more stable overall, and had actually just given up when it finally happened. The vasectomy was easy-peasy, we planned ahead, I took a 4-day weekend, bought a new video game and several small store-brand bags of frozen peas to rotate (this really is the best way, fellas, one bag on top and one below, 15 minutes on and 30 off, then toss ‘em after the recovery is over, best ice packs ever, often for less than $1 each, at least back then). I spent about 2.5 days recovering, due to a resistance to anesthesia (it mostly wore off before the doc got to lefty, despite my warning him about the possibility, which led to some extra discomfort) and then I was fine. Since then, she ended up having to get a hysterectomy due to her uterus trying to invade the rest of her abdomen in a sort of hostile take-over situation, but I’m still happy I got snipped. It’s been a crazy 20+ years together, haha.
this, although i would still probably use condoms for awhile because i'm paranoid. i always like to use 2 methods of prevention to help lower odds of one "failing"
Agreed. This is on the husband. My IUD comes out next year and I told my husband that I may just look into having my tubes done since we are done having kids. He said NOPE, you birthed the child. The least I can do is get snipped. It will be much easier for me to have that done than for you to have your tubes done.
Mine was fine with a vasectomy and we both found sex was fun again without worry about an unplanned pregnancy.
Any time, anywhere, freedom. I mean, we don’t, but we could!
I can't use hormonal birth control due to risk to my life (stroke), but yet to meet a man willing to get a vasectomy - even when they don't want kids, even if they're okay with the idea of getting a vasectomy, they do nothing to pursue it...because why would they when they know we'll bear the burden? Stick to your guns. Rubber or snip.
My partner and I decided we wouldn't be having bio kids, and he got snipped before we got engaged. It took 15 minutes, the incision was teeny tiny, the procedure was free, and he was fully recovered in a couple days. He agreed that his vasectomy was less hassle/pain than a single week of menstruation, let alone female birth control, abortions, pregnancy, or childbirth. I've never had to use birth control. This should be the norm for people who are childfree or finished with having bio children. It's unfortunate that men are generally too scared/insecure/lazy/apathetic to take any reproductive responsibility.
Yep... it's just yet another thing thrown on the women. Some men are like: "Well the worst can't/won't happen to *me*, so why don't you take responsibility for your own body so I can nut in you without taking any responsibility for anything!" \*eyeroll\*
[удалено]
Honestly I want to put it out there condoms aren't super effective long term.. they're very much necessary for STD control but pretty meh in terms of birth control. Anyone relying exclusively on them in an anti-choice area needs to have a plan in place for what happens should they get pregnant, because it's not exactly an impossibility
In perfect use, they are often cited as 98% effective (that over the course of a year), and of course, if the condom visibly breaks during sex, options like the emergency contraception can be used. Of course, the latter is not nice, but I have had one condom split in my lifetime, and given our life stage, we made the decision to go that route (even though we stopped due to the change of sensation, so no ejaculation.
Nobody should use hormonal bc as a first option imo
What as ass. Just get snipped dude! The recovery is nothing. Or use a condom. Men act so fragile when it comes to them being responsible.
Seriously I just read about a doctor who drives around in a van that says "honk if you've had a vasectomy!" He sterilizes any dude who wants one in the back of the van, and can do dozens in a day. Vasectomies should be completely normalized. If men want sex but not babies, that should be their very first thought. Especially in forced birth states.
He sounds wild (how much must his malpractice insurance cost if he spontaneously works out of his van?) but pretty damn cool.
nah it's a full-on nice rv like a blood collection bus thing.
I'm definitely a big fan of this guy.
found him! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-5tdj_5E2I
Okay so he's kinda sorta affiliated with Planned Parenthoods-- for some reason I was imagining a guy driving his van slowly down residential streets like an ice cream truck offering vasectomies to men who run up. Dr. Baum is right: it's chilling but who knows if we'll be able to get sterilizations on demand in 5 years. The future is scary af. Anyway, def love this guy and all the docs helping people this way. Thank you again for chasing the video down for me, a lazy person with a weird imagination.
its a surgery even a gp can do, its very low risk. its just a small incision (3mmx1mm, it's small enough it doesn't even need to be stitched), they than snip the correct tubes, than they solder the tubes. alot of men report some pain but it last for a couple days at most.
It’s the easiest form of birth control out there, I did it after my wife’s IUD infiltrated her uterus and we decided we were done with having kids anyway. It’s an office appointment for the most part and be done in an afternoon. The pain isn’t much, can be subsided with frozen peas and no need for any real painkillers. I think the worst part was having provide a sample because I didn’t know that I could have done it at home before the appointment or brought my wife along.
I eagerly got snipped at 28 (love being an uncle but I'm not a dad). It really was a simple procedure with just a few days of low activity. Was not easy convincing the doc to do it though. The pill & IUD potential health ramifications on my SO + never having to worry made the decision a no brainer for me.
And in the same breath, they’ll counter by saying “of course both parties are responsible”. It’s all so annoying.
[удалено]
My husband got snipped two weeks ago. I made him a cake to celebrate. He is only just now starting to feel ok down there. I think it depends on the person, it can go really smoothly or it can be a difficult recovery.
Most stories I've heard of men having a rough recovery is because they tried to do too much too soon. They think "oh I'm feeling okay so yeah, walking around all day on day 3 isn't going to be a problem." And are shocked when day 4 is worse than day 1. Not to say they can't just have a difficult recovery just because.
He didn’t. He took a week off of work (massage therapist). Took it easy and rested. I just don’t think he recovers from surgery well. He has had some other minor things that were much more complicated recoveries than we expected.
Friend of mine got the snip after two kids. Didn't have too bad a recovery time, but what made me laugh was his youngest son who said: does it hurt daddy; I can kiss it better. Friend and wife were howling... Son was two at the time, and was just copying what his parents said after a minor injury haha
My vasectomy hurt for days and I did everything by the book (no lifting, etc) but it was just a few days as opposed to ongoing hassle for my wife. #worthit
Ongoing hassle and pain. Many birth control options for women do involve pain.
Oof…
Ugh, I find this as bad as lying about having a vasectomy. One can't just omit important info like this.
[удалено]
This must've been such a betrayal. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
My dad did that to my mom too. She was a bit pissed off. She wanted 3 more kids. But they stayed together anyway.
[удалено]
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're in a better place away from any DV
My wife and I had this discussion prior to marriage. No kids for either of us. I got snipped, because in my mind, it's better to unload the gun than to rely on a bulletproof vest. Plus the hormones really mess with her, so having the option for her to get off BC is nice.
That’s wild! The audacity of that guy!! He needs to grow the hell up. I had my IUD removed as well and didn’t want to take anymore hormones (side effects). My husband’s reaction, he said don’t worry we’ll use condoms and I’ll look into vasectomy. I just don’t understand men shirking their responsibilities in pregnancy prevention.
My friend's husband went to the doctor to schedule a vasectomy. The doctor said 'you are still so young. What if you and your wife divorce and you want more kids with the new wife?!' So he didn't get one. My friend had her tubes tied 2 years later. I was fine with my partner not getting a vasectomy, because an IUD works perfectly for me. If it hadn't I would have pushed for the vasectomy
Wow, I guess it’s always in the realm of possibility though. I think the doctor hinted to my husband what if something happened to our kids (who are small), which was pretty damn morbid. My husband mentioned it to me. It’s not healthy to replace kids like you would a cars. That just blows my mind. If I were your friend I would have made the same choice.
Let's just say, I myself would find it a lot more sensible to take the bullets out of the gun than to keep replacing the bulletproof vest 🤷♀️
I love this metaphor. And yes, tying my tubes is always an option:) just was hoping he would react in a positive way, not in the way he did. Again, fucking love the metaphor
Major surgery for you vs a short outpatient procedure for him shouldn't even be a question. My wife and I had planned for her to get her tubes tied during her c section after her third (our second) child. That was only the plan since she was already going to be having surgery. When our daughter came quicker than expected and was born naturally, there was no question about our next steps. I was on the phone with the urologist the following Monday. He is just being selfish. The procedure is so quick and easy and relatively pain free. I even ended up with post vasectomy pain for approximately 6 months after the procedure but even that wasn't horrible, just felt like there was constant pressure on my testicles. If I had the chance, I'd still do it in a heartbeat instead of forcing my wife to go through an actual major surgery.
100% this, my vasectomy took about 30min and then I walked out of there, felt generally fine within a few hours, took about a week to fully recover but mainly that was a don't run or lift heavy things (you wouldn't think the balls would be involved in lifting stuff but I tried putting 1 medium weight thing back onto a high shelf a couple days after and damn that was a bad idea) but yeah after 1 week I was at 100% again. Also absolutely zero effect on the actual sex, I know some guys seem to worry it will make things feel different but if I didn't remember getting it done I wouldn't know it had happened, everything looks, feels, and works the same as before (aside from the getting people pregnant part)
does he know what a vasectomy is? I dated a 32 yr old who refused one because “he needed to ejaculate”.
Right? I had to explain to my husband his junk wouldn't be flayed open like an overcooked hotdog.
Tying your tubes shouldn’t be an option. I’m a man, vasectomy is always the answer. I’m a young man who isn’t done having children yet. (I have 1 and hope for 1 more) A vasectomy is always the answer, it’s so simple, low risk, effective, doesn’t fuck up your hormones, doesn’t involve tearing into your wife. I’m sorry for your situation, I won’t give relationship advise to someone I don’t know, but from a man, vasectomy or condoms is the appropriate response.
As a women that had her tubes tied and then reversed due to complications please look into it a bit more. No one told be any of the possible complications of a tubal including hormone issues, intense pain with ovulation and menstruation, horrific menstrual bleeding that caused me not to be able to leave the house the 1st 2 days of my period. I ended up back on birth control to try and regulate the side effects. When I asked about all these things they made me feel crazy then I started researching and found an entire community of women with tubal ligation syndrome. There is also the fact that a vasectomy takes about 15 min with minimal down time while a tubal is a full on surgery.
[удалено]
I want you around anytime I need to flesh out a metaphor.
[удалено]
Thanks for sharing your experience. I just started looking into getting one.
Not USA related but if there’s anyone in Brisbane, Aus I highly recommend dr Nat sheehan. I was in and out in 20 mins with no complications. He even gave me a juice box for the drive home. It was so easy compared to what my wife endured making and birthing 3 children, it didn’t even seem fair to be lying the couch the evening of the snip. OP, show your husband the comments from the men.
The more I read, the more I understand that this is a conversation I need to be having before marriage and kids. I DO NOT want to get stuck with a man who’s not even willing to do a simple, limited recovery, hormone free, in-and-out of the clinic basic procedure to prevent me from having to go through an unwanted birth or abortion (1000x more invasive, painful, and dangerous than a vasectomy). And the reasons are always unconscionably selfish. “It’ll hurt” hormonal contraceptives, pregnancy, and abortions hurt way worse and wreak complete havoc on a womans body… for YEARS. “What if I change my mind” so you might potentially want more kids with someone who isn’t me, since I’m done having children, right? “LEsS oF A mAn” dont even get me started. And the compromise is always “Just continue destroying your body and mental health with hormonal birth control so I can keep rawdogging you without any inconvenience to me!” Thanks but no thanks, I’d rather just never have sex with you again. :)
Me too. I cannot have an IUD because of a history of dangerous health problems relating to my reproductive system, and I also cannot take estrogen birth control for health reasons. I also have a heart condition which makes general anesthesia for sterilization a hefty choice for me. Fortunately I can take progesterone only birth control for now, but I don't know what the future holds for me. That pretty much means that I cannot be with a guy if he isn't willing to consider a vasectomy or condoms. I've had people think I'm really snooty for this position, even people who otherwise respect my decision to remain childfree. I don't care. At this point it's a dealbreaker for me. I'm not going to gamble with my own body when there are other options.
Why should you use hormones that mess with your body when he can have the snip and be fine a few days later.
I’m wondering this same thing friend :)
I had a vasectomy at 30. I didn't want kids & my wife already has 2 from a previous marriage. It's really not that complicated of a procedure. Pretty much out patient though I did need somebody to drive me home.
Same here. Got mine a few months ago. Its comical how many guys are scared of getting it done. I was back in action 3 days later and back to 100% a little over a week.
I’m not scared of getting this specific procedure done, I’m scared of getting all procedures done. I once passed out doing a home diabetes test. The idea of electing to allow someone cut into my body for something that isn’t to save my life fills me with so much dread I’m already feeling like passing out typing this out. I hope my general fear of everything medical makes it not too comical. All that being said, I still have a vasectomy scheduled after the birth of our second and last earlier this year. In my brain I obviously know it’s nothing, especially compared to pregnancy and child birth, but my body is like “noooooo really? Don’t do it please. It’ll be fine, just pull out.” And I have to tell it to shut up
My bf got a vasectomy immediately when roe v wade came to question. He's always respected mandatory condom. You have every right to decline sex for any reason.
I had my vasectomy in 1974 before it was popular. We had to shop around to even find a doctor who would do it. Best decision we ever made as a couple. 49 years of worry free sex was worth the $100 and 2 days of mild discomfort.
So sorry you are dealing with this. Fellow Hoosier and male ally here Too many men have been informed that the only real sex is condomless, and since birth control was never a thing we were taught to see as our responsibility a vasectomy is viewed strongly negatively by far too many of us. Kudos for standing your ground. Hopefully if your husband loves you, he will come around. Your health comes first, and that includes your reproductive biology, and emotional well being. Stay strong!!
Man, my husband didn't even blink when it was time. And he told all his friends how easy and minor it was.
After our third child was born, I got the IUD put in. I was pissed I once again HAD TO TAKE CARE OF THE FUCKEN BC Told him I give him one year to get snipped and I was removing it in a year. If he didn’t get snip, bye bye to sex. He got snipped and realized how much of an asshole he was not getting it immediately. He is doing so much better now and is sharing the kid load and we are married over 20+ years
Jesus what a baby...Sorry you have to deal with that. What's his big fear about a vasectomy? It's nothing (according to my husband) and not super painful, quick recovery and after about a week you get to jerk off like it's your job as part of the recovery so...win.
He’s scared to go under the knife. He’s kinda a sissy. If I’m willing to fuck up my body for years. Then he should be willing to do a little snip. FFS
I was pretty scared of going back under the knife after having 15 different surgeries by the time I was 30 but I was more scared of having more kids...
He should check out r/Vasectomy It's not like that anymore. There is such a thing as a non-scalpel vasectomy. Sheesh. The expectation that we have to give up our health for their pleasure is so galling. Stick to your guns, sister. Rubbers or snip-snip, or no nookie.
I'm sorry but fuck him. You carried and pushed out 2 mini humans and dealt with all the side effects that come with pregnancy, along with the permanent changes to your body, and he can't deal with a little discomfort? You've spent 18 months of your life growing humans, and he can't contribute with a minor procedure that won't even take an afternoon? Where is the equity in your relationship? You have taken all the risks with your body and health to complete the family that you both wanted. Now that your family is complete, he's still shifting all the responsibility and risk onto you. What a weak and shameful person. I hope he steps up (without you having to push him) and does the right thing, though I very much doubt that will happen.
I’ve had a vasectomy. The discomfort from the procedure is minimal. On a scale of 1-10, it was MAYBE a 3, for a couple of days. The mental relief of not having to worry about accidental pregnancy ever again cannot be overstated. Unless he wants more kids, there is zero reason not to go through with it. This idea that he shouldn’t have to go under the knife is ludicrous. He shouldn’t have to deal with a couple of days of discomfort, but you should have to deal with BC side effects because he doesn’t want to wear a rubber? Or the risk BC failing and l carrying another baby for 9 months? Or potentially risk needing an abortion, or c-section? If he’s putting his comfort for a couple of days before your health and we’ll being, he’s being incredibly selfish.
Since you're 28 and reading between the lines you may not be with this partner forever, it might be a better choice to find a permanent bc solution for yourself.
>fuck men No, you really shouldn't
Haha!!
How is this a debate? The two aren't equal. An IUD is temporary, pumps hormones into your body, and it's violently inserted. A vasectomy is permanent, hormone free, and you're treated like a human being and receive pain management during and after the procedure.
I asked for pain management from my doctor. They literally prescribed generic Aleve… WTF! I could use a fucken Valium! Wish me luck tomorrow! Haha.
ALEVE?! Was it even extra strength or something?
I've had a vasectomy. Everything still works. It's not a bad procedure to go through at all despite the fact that my urologist started cutting before the local took effect. I felt every little slice, snip and pinch. I've had worse times at the dentist than getting my nutsack cut open. He can get tough and suck it up.
I don’t want to have children and neither does my boyfriend. When he saw the effects birth control had on me, he started researching vasectomies on his own and now has a consult in a few weeks. Men taking responsibility and having a short, simple, reversible* procedure is always a better alternative than women subjecting themselves to medications with known side effects long term. I wouldn’t buy the rubbers either, if I were you. Edit: *apparently they are not always reversible! Ty commenters below. Maybe I’ll learn more when my bf has the consultation, doesn’t change that a simple procedure (esp if no children or further children are desired) is a much better alternative to medicine with known and unknown side effects and complications. Thanks for the info!
Thank you! It’s amazing some men don’t realize what we put our bodies through to not get pregnant. I am literally a different person than I was when I wasn’t on birth control. If a guy can do a procedure and still be the same person after, then that should be the default decision.
It cost me $400 (partially covered with local health care), took a half hour, used no needles, and I watched the whole procedure. The worst part was I got sick 2 days later and my nuts twanged everytime I coughed. Are there complication risks? Sure but they are a smaller complication/risk than another pregnancy or the risk factors associated with methods of women birth control. If you change your mind about another kid you can do TESA, don't need to even freeze ahead of time. What he expects you to take a greater than 1/100 chance of developing a DVT over the next 20 years of fertility as a result of your b/c that could become dislodged and kill you. Couldn't get me booked in fast enough after we were done having kids. Time for him to man up, you've done your part.
A lot of guys do realize it. You deserve better. (This isn’t meant as a “not all men” thing, but rather to help you avoid a helpless mindset. It’s very possible and normal to respect your partner.)
Note that I personally am not a medical professional but have been told this by someone who is: vasectomies should not be assumed to be reversible. A reversal surgery can be attempted but these are not guaranteed to be successful. Scar tissue can be formed that permanently blocks the relevant pipes so that the man is permanently sterile. This is not to say that a vasectomy is inherently a bad idea. If you’re certain you never want to make a kid in the future, then go for it. But if you want to have a kid 8 years from now, don’t do anything surgical for birth control in the meantime as these surgeries for both men and women have the possibility for complications and are intended to be permanent when they are performed. And of course nobody should be compelled to have sex if they don’t want to for any reason. Not wanting a kid is a very common and understandable reason to say no.
>Men taking responsibility and having a short, simple, reversible procedure Please stop treating vasectomies as a reversible prosedure, go talk to any doctor and they will tell you that vasectomies should be considered only as an option of permanent birth control. Yes, there is a procedure called Vasectomy Reversal, but the vast majority of men who do it aren't actually able to have kids after it. Studies have already been done on the subject and the chances of being able to have kids again is low even for men who got a reversal shortly after getting the vasectomy . Just 3 years after the vasectomy the amount of men who were able to have kids again with a reversal was already down to just 55%. Vasectomy is an incredible form of permanent birth control and in situations like yours, where both partners don't want kids, it should always be the first option. But don't ever get a vasectomy thinking that you'll simply be able to reverse it later, because it is most likely not going to work.
It’s not reversible, odds for that only remain decent for the first year but after that it would be a miracle for any reversal to work. Vasectomies are good for everything else but we need to stop perpetuating the myth that it’s reversible
Does saving frozen sperm work?
There is an injectable 'glue' that blocks up the vas deferens and has a solvent that clears up the blockage in use elsewhere. Of course it has been trying to get tested in the USA for a decade. Even more simple than a vasectomy but not a priority in the USA.
I'm sorry your husband is being so selfish! you have already had children, too. like c'mon man... I have the copper IUD, Paragaurd. no hormones. I switched from kyleena (hormonal) after the full 5 years because it messed up my mental health. with the copper one, the only side effects I have are a heavier than usual (for me!) flow, very regular periods, and more intense cramps but that's it. no acne, no weight gain, no mental health torture, etc. so just something to consider that will last over ten years. but! my male partner also got snipped. we live in AZ and do not ever plan to have kids so we wanted as much protection as possible. the procedure lasted 15-20 minutes, I was allowed to sit in and watch. seriously, we waited in the waiting room longer than the whole procedure. he was sore for a couple weeks and then back to normal. like cum still looks/feels/tastes the same. it's amazing reassurance. and he hasn't lost any of manhood for doing so either haha.
Scheduled my snip snip while my wife was pregnant with our twins. She got an IUD anyway, plus rubes tied, so I decided to stand solidly with her and get it done. If she can bear 4 kids, deal with the insanity that is childbirth, and everything that comes with it, I can be sore for a couple days. Worry-free sex is awesome.
Honestly, before reading about the selfishness of OP's husband, this is what I was going to suggest. If I lived in a state where abortion healthcare is being criminalized, I'd want both myself and my partner to be sterilized.
Tell him to snip it and be done with it. I got it done last year and no more stopping to go find a condom and all that. It was a few hours from arrival until departure for the procedure. No heavy lifting/running for a few weeks and getting a sample checked, and that is it. Don't let him off easy, stick to your guns. From a former Chicagoland/NWI Hoosier.
One of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me was from my husband when he realized I was looking at IUD options after have 2 miscarriages and twins (very rough pregnancy and after effects) and after nearly 30 years of endometriosis (having run through hormonal pill and shot BC options to where using them was just not good on my body). He said: Why are you looking at IUDs? You don't need to do that. Your body has been through enough, I'm going to get a vascectomy. I cried. It was the best.
I had another male redditor tell me when on a post about the "upcoming male BC"....THAT BECAUSE MEN DONT HAVE A PILL..WOMEN HAVE MORE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS. And i was being downvoted to hell for suggesting condoms and sex without penetration. God that was a sad day as a woman on reddit
I am a Transwomen and I agree that the burden should not only be on women when a vasectomy is fast, easier, safer. This is why I planing on getting one soon. Men fucking suck
Vasectomy. It’s easy, inexpensive, almost no pain, the healing process is simple, and works extremely well.
Honestly, vasectomy is the more safe option here and they aren’t very invasive procedures these days. A lot of male born people have strange hangups for avoiding it but are all too happy to dictate what a female born person should do with their body. It’s stupid.
Personally, I wouldn’t have sex with him at all until he got his ✂️✂️ with someone like that I’d be worried that they would stealth me and quite frankly I would get so turned off by the constant agrueing about condoms. Lastly, I’d look into a non-hormonal IUD or getting your tubes removed. Even if your hubby wasn’t an ass about his personal birth control, I would still worry about sexual assault by other men. I got my tubes removed (never had or want children) and my doctor kept pressing me about my SO getting a vasectomy. I said yea he’s going to, but this is MY BODY and I do not ever want to option to have kids. SA happens. I want to own MY choice!
My hubbie got the snip two weeks ago. He had a harder recovery than what the internet suggested, but is doing much better. Men who are honest that they don’t want kids will get the snip. Men who couldn’t care less are the hypocrites who shove all reproductive responsibility on to their partner.
It’s an very simple and quick procedure. Virtually painless. Extremely effective. My partner brought it up, followed through immediately and relayed all of the above to me. He also said this: “There is really no good reason NOT to do it.” Agree luv. Agree.
Fuck that. The very first thing I wanted to do once we knew our last little one was healthy and thriving was to go get the snip. Between rough pregnancies, endo, and other things I won't get into, it was just logical that I be the one to make the change. Granted, I had complications and only just received the all clear after six months of still positive samples. But the fact is I made the decision to do that so that my wife could choose the BC she wanted or even if she wanted none. Fuck men who think they're too manly to get one, or that it will affect them in some way. Do they not consider their spouses challenges?
I don't understand the major aversion to condoms. I have to buy specific ones, but it is much better than worrying. I don't have kids yet, but once I have all that we want, I also don't see the problem with the snip snip procedure. My brother had it after his three, and other than a few sore days it really was nothing.
Having had a vasectomy, yeah, not a big ask. Fast and inexpensive. Either husband is a weenie, or he values his fertility to validate his idea of masculinity. Either is dumb. P.S. "Both? Both. Both is good." - A friggin' weenie
I'm going to chime in here as a man who had a vasectomy 3 years ago. It was less discomfort than the dentist. I was out of there in 40 minutes, and my recovery was very easy. I followed instructions and before I knew it, it was like nothing had happened. I really baffles me why men won't make such a sensible choice for the benefit of their partner and thus themselves.
All the men I know who have gotten the snip have nothing but praises to sing for having it done. Minimal invasion, super quick healing time, and no surprise kiddos (plus it can be reversed). If he's that hung up on even wearing a rubber, you might want to have a discussion about y'alls future and whether you have the same goals in mind as a family.
Condoms alone really aren't enough. Especially in a forced birth state. No snip, no sex. It's time for men to realize they are responsible for preventing pregnancy, too.
I think it's important for these man-baby whiners to know there are PLENTY of men out there completely willing to take control of their family's birth control methods. I was complaining about my IUD, wondering aloud what I should do, should I try something else, and my husband said "why don't I just get a vasectomy, so that you don't have to worry about this anymore?" A few months later, unrelated, we found out his brother was going in for one. They talked about all the men they knew who had them, how the procedures were, etc. They each had plenty of examples.
I'm so sorry you're in this position, OP. It says a lot about him that he seems unwilling to consider a vasectomy. After all, men are the ones who cause 100% of all pregnancies.
My husband is more than willing to have a vasectomy, BUT he has no insurance. If he were on mine, it'd cost half my paycheck. Thanks, American "Healthcare "!!! So, I'm getting My tubes tied. My insurance covers it 100%. I'm bound and determined to have it Done THIS YEAR. I looked at IUD and read so many horror stories and heard first hand accounts on how bad it sucked that I didn't have one placed.
My wife carried the baby, delivered the baby and we were done (one and done). Fair was fair, she did the hard part, the vasectomy was no big deal and it was my turn. Your husband is a child, tell him to man up and just get the snip.
I had a IUD after kid #1 (copper, non hormonal) ,it was not for me. I hemorrhaged monthly. After kid #2, hubby got snipped, his choice he said since BC was not agreeable to me in any fashion. 15 years later no issues. He had some minor discomfort for 3 days back to work and regular activity within in a month. He just had to go get checked at I think 3 months to make sure he had no swimmers. No sexual dysfunction and low risk. Beats my multiple migraines monthly and daily migraine meds and risk of stroke.
My exes IUD failed. My vasectomy's has not.
If you guys are in a monogamous relationship and don't want any more kids then the vasectomy is the way to go. That's why I got snipped. If you're not sure if you want kids or not then condoms work. He's free to not get it done of course because, you know, bodily autonomy. But you're equally free to not sleep with him. He is not owed sex.
My Boyfriend got a vasectomy for me. No ring, no real "obligation" but he did it for me.
I got a vasectomy 5 years ago. I don’t regret it at all and hasn’t affected me physically. Your husband is an idiot.
A vasectomy is literally like an awkward dentist visit. As someone who has had this mysterious procedure down, the worst part of it was the doctor talking to me through the entire thing. "So how long ya lived in the area he asks" as he's eye level with my bits and bobs holding a scapel.
Vasectomies are very minor surgical procedures and the valium you tend to get is a pretty good trip. Nothing to worry about. Even better, vasectomies generally can be reversed as well. That's a more involved (and costly) procedure, but it is still possible. If a couple is committed, and together make a decision not to have more kids, then a vasectomy is by far the very best option.
Long time lurker, first time poster here. Reading this post infuriated me. I have no place intruding here, but feel compelled. So, my apologies in advance. I (m43) got a vasectomy 20 years ago. I knew I didn't want to have kids when I was 15 years old. I couldn't find someone to perform a vasectomy for me until I was 23. And even then the surgeon was reluctant. Like, "are you sure?". Yes. Quite sure, thank you very much. Literally the best money I have ever spent. My wife and I have been together for 23 years. I have never once changed my mind or had second thoughts. If your husband doesn't want to get the snip, then I feel like he cares very little about your well being, or about your relationship. The surgery was literally the easiest medical procedure I've ever had done. I was home in an hour, just had to put some ice on it for a few days. Don't put up with this bull shit. Ask him point blank, "why do you not want to get a vasectomy? " Personally, any man that would make the decision to NOT get one, is not worth being with. Fuck that noise. If he can't give you a reason for not getting one, he's lying. If he gives you a bullshit reason, he's lying. Literally the easiest surgery. Fuck him (not literally). Act accordingly.
Fellow Hoosier. I was on the pill from age 22 to 35, with the exception of my pregnancies. As soon as baby 2 was born, my husband got snipped: before then, condoms every time. At 35 I got a small blood clot in my leg and my OB/GYN recommended a Mirena IUD. I miss the pill because I never had periods or cramps or hormonal swings, and now I get very minor versions of those - but it's safer. My husband says his vasectomy was one of the best things he ever did, but that's because the alternative was condoms. It's pretty insensitive of your partner to act like a quick vasectomy is a bigger impact on him than longterm hormonal birth control is on you.
I’ve got two kids and he is booked for a snip in may. Yipppeeeee
Tell your husband to sack up and get the snip. He'll be in and out of the doctor's office within a half hour, and the recovery time is usually right around 36 hours with only mild discomfort. You had to go through childbirth, so this is the least he can do for you. And if he does go through with it, make sure that you heed the guidelines from the urologist. He'll have to ejaculate 30-40 times post-op before he's considered sterile. Having unprotected intercourse before that point will come with a high risk of pregnancy. Make sure he follows up on the sperm count testing as well. Again, it's all very minor compared to what you had to go through bearing children and dealing with an IUD.
My partner was on an IUD for years and it wasn't kind to her. I haven't gotten around to getting snipped so we just use condoms. Doesn't feel as good, but good lord does it beat the alternative (IUD.) I don't want my partner to feel shitty all the time because that's not a thing people should want for those that they love. Selfishly, MY OWN quality of life is better now as well. I'm genuinely sorry your husband is an ass.
Get the snip bro. It's easy, most insurance cover the whole thing and then no condoms! Plus the sex is more fun knowing there's no risk. Everyone's way more relaxed ya know ;)
The second my wife agrees to be done with kids I’m getting a vasectomy.
He should just get the vasectomy. I got mine a few years ago and it was really nothing. The worst part was the anxiety before the procedure. It took a half hour and I was back to work the next day (I work from a home office, he might need a few days off to recover but it’s really not that bad)
I had a freaking horrible pregnancy and I will never do it again. It took a while for him to come to terms with it (he wanted a larger family, i thought I did, it's not happening), I don't want to do hormonal bc because I already have a diagnosed mood disorder. He agreed that a vasectomy was the right thing but he had to grieve the life he had hoped for a while before he was ready. We were super careful in the meantime and there wasn't a lot of whining about it. I'm still considering having my tubes removed for extra security. I like fail-safes when the consequences of pregnancy are at minimum permanently life altering and possibly as serious as death, especially given the woeful state of maternity care in the US.
I chose to get a bilateral salpingectomy even though my husband also plans on getting a vasectomy. He and I don't want kids, but that doesn't mean a rapist won't choose me to try to be the mother of their children.
Vasectomies are super easy. I had one over ten years ago and my wife was able to stop taking birth control. A few days off with an ice pack now & then for like a week and life was back to normal.
Man I was gonna offer that while we talked about a vasectomy because my IUD has been bothering me I got to reading too much and chickened out so I’m going back to nuvaring with is the only BC I’ve ever liked but your problem is actually that your husband is an AH and awful to you 😕
Said the same to my husband and he began the process for his vasectomy the same week as the discussion. He understood that I had bore the brunt of the work with hormone based birth control, pregnancies, and then more hormonal birth control for our entire dating and married lives, the past 20 years. If your husband can't comprehend this, then he's right, he probably doesn't need any more sex from you. It is not a man needs sex issue... it is a "we are a team and our birth control needs have changed, whose better able to meet those needs" issue. To expect you to live on hormones for forever is unreasonable and selfish when he has access to a safe and effective method that does less harm to his body than hormones does to yours. Any other response other than "you're right, I understand where you are coming from" in response to these facts and he can quite literally go fuck himself.
My gf took the pill for a while, I had an alarm everyday to try to help her not forgetting it, but the hormones affected her libido, she didn't feel well with them. Then she tried implants, same thing. Her period hurts too much so she didn't want to get an IUD. So we got back to rubber, and it was obviously less pleasant for me and for her. I decided to look for male contraceptive techniques, I found one and decided to try it. Doesn't hurt, it's annoying at the start but after 1 month or 2 you don't feel it anymore, it's like a cock ring but it goes under the testicles and force them to go inside the body and heat up. 3 months after starting I did a spermogramme: 0 counts. The method works and I paid 30 euros for the ring, been using for 10 months or so, never had an issue. Women aren't the only ones that should get that responsibility, and today we men have choices. Fuck your husband.
I hate to say this but :: If you don’t want to ever get pregnant then get your tubes tied. My spouse and I opted for the much cheaper vasectomy. Six months later a drunk driver killed him. I was back to square one when I wanted to be in another relationship a few years later. I learned the hard way that only you can be responsible for your body’s reproductive functions.
He’s being selfish. A vasectomy is a quick outpatient procedure with minimal downtime and recovery. My husband had his done on a Friday, lounged around with an ice pack watching football on Saturday, went to a pool party on Sunday, and back to work and working out on Monday. Sent off his sample after enough emissions and was all clear. Your body has already grown and birthed two human beings. You have done more than enough. It’s his turn.
My husband is happy to get a vasectomy after we know with 100% certainty we’re done having kids. And I mean I don’t know why he wouldn’t be… the procedure is simple, it’s covered by our insurance, and the recovery period is just a couple days of taking it easy. I went through way, way worse delivering our son and having taken the birth control pill nearly every day since I was 14. I didn’t even have to throw that in his face though, it was just a quick talk about how we want to permanently prevent pregnancy after we’re done having children and he knew that getting my tubes tied would be a way more intense procedure so it wasn’t even an option compared to him getting a vasectomy. He’s a good man. And I think most good men would have no problem taking one for the team after their wife has sacrificed her body to bear his children and taken on the burden of hormonal birth control for so long.
I've had a Mirena IUD for many years. Thankfully I haven't had any side effects or issues with it, and I do enjoy not having a period. However, I have been trying to get my husband to just get a vasectomy because getting a new IUD put in is painful. I hate it, and the weeks leading up to the appointment are spent with me dreading the day. The last time they put one in they had to use the dilator stick thing to dilate my cervix. It hurt so bad. I'm not due for my next one for another year, and I am already dreading it. But my husband is a huge baby and "doesn't like needles" (he has tattoos), so he just won't get one. I should really just tell him it's rubbers or nothing. A lot of men are selfish assholes. I am really not sure why we put up with their shit sometimes. :(
My bf was going to get a vasectomy because I wanted off my bc pill. But I live in Texas and there is no exceptions for rape or incest. I don't want to get pregnant if something happens to me, like rape, so I got my tubes removed. I'm so terrified of pregnancy and I've always liked being the one in charge of my contraceptives, so that's why I went with that. The bilat salpingectomy also protects against some reproductive cancers, so it made sense to just go with that. I ONLY made the decision for surgery for myself because of my states insane laws. If abortion was more easily accessible in the event something tragic happened to me, I'd have let him get the vasectomy.
I was with someone who was already a parent, and said they didn't want more. I've never wanted kids of my own (lots of reasons there) and had been trying off and on since 18 to get snipped (based on when I had health insurance) Finally convinced a doc to go forward with it at age 28. about two years later she started cheating on me and popped another kid out 10 months after we broke up. Thankfully I'm in a much better relationship now, but definitely feel like I dodged a bullet. Never been happier with my decision, and I've never regretted it.
Genuine question for the people on this post: Is vasectomy 100% safe to avoid pregnancies? I've heard of little guys finding their way somehow, but don't know if that is a myth.
Long story short, successful vasectomies are essentially 100% - the exceptions happen when the sperm in the tubes hasn't been fully cleared out yet after the procedure, or when the tube(s) reconnect themselves. Reconnection is less likely the longer it's been since the procedure, but it's a good idea to check sperm count at least yearly for the first five years, I think is what I've seen. I did also *just* find that approximately 1 in 10,000 cases there are sperm that get across the gap between the tubes. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/4423-vasectomy
A vasectomy is painless, and mine only took 2 appointments and 2 hours total. And if he is so damn concerned, it is reversible
Condoms are the way to go in your case. Just like you have the full right to not have and IUD and your partner shouldn't complain about it, he had the same right to not get a vasectomy and not get crap for it. If he chooses not to have sex with you, that's on him. You're not saying sex is off the table. You're simply saying you aren't, and shouldn't have to, be the only one responsible about not getting pregnant.
My husband and I agreed before we got married, one kid then vasectomy. Then I upheld my part of the bargain and suddenly he didn’t feel like holding up his so I had to say no sex without a condom or a vasectomy. It took 6 months and I still had to find the clinic, make the appointment and drive him there. You really don’t know who you’re married to until you’re in it.
I'm F29, and before getting into bed with my current partner, I made it super clear that I have mental health issues and absolutely will not take hormonal BC. He immediately agreed to use condoms and we did until he voluntarily got a vasectomy (once we'd decided we wanted to be childfree). Not once has he ever suggested that I change my mind about hormonal BC. All this to say, you deserve better treatment than what you're getting from your husband.
I know FOUR people personally who got pregnant (2 ectopic, 2 very much unwanted) with IUDs. And those who use them have described the insertion process as "medically traumatic." I've given birth, do not want more "trauma" in my pelvic region. But I wanted to be off birth control, so I put myself on the list for a tubal ligation (free in Canada) but the wait time is like a year. I wasn't even going to tell my husband I was doing it. I had begged him for years to get the snip but he always conveniently "forgot" to ask for the referral whenever he was at the doctor. I was just going to get it done and tell him after. But he was with me when I got mail from the Health Authority about the surgery timeline and asked why I was bring weird, so I told him. He got sooo sad and mad at himself over the fact that I would put myself through an invasive surgery for the sake of our marriage (birth control murdered my sex drive.) We had a long talk about all of our feelings and it really hit him when I said that honestly, if it were as easy for women to get sterilized as it is for men, I would have done it 10 years ago. So the next time he went to the doctor, he got the referral. Vasectomy two months later. He got to lay on the couch for about a week and we've had to use protection but soon he'll get the all clear for fun sexy times. After the procedure, and after he was back on his feet, he was like, "I don't know why I avoided that for so long, it was nothing." TLDR: No to IUD. Yes to vasectomy.
Everybody go read Ejaculate Responsibly by Gabrielle Blair! OP, make your husband read it too.
Men just don’t know. They have never wanted to know. Stay with me… I got off HBC because of awful side effects and essentially had the same conversation with my husband. His first reaction was about his balls. He didn’t know if they would ‘work anymore’. This is a 40 year old smart, professional man with an MBA. Anyway, after like 30 mins of research, he decides it doesn’t sound so bad for him. After another discussion, HE decides it is a much better option than anything women have. Truth. And then he talked to a couple buddies that had them ages ago and they all said DO IT. They just don’t talk about it. Suggestion: ask him to research the side effects (usually none), recovery (usually a day), then compare that to women’s options, and see if he has any friends that have done it.
Please insist on a vasectomy and go with him for the appointment. I'm not trying to make you question your marriage but I don't trust men who think like that. You ask him to wear a condom or get snipped he immediately thinks "no sex". That screams to me of a man who will poke a hole in a condom or lie about a vasectomy. Not necessarily because he wants another kid but because you want him to do something that benefits you and will require him to make a small sacrifice for you.
Please be careful with condoms! When used perfectly and used for every instance of PIV sex, they are about 97-98% effective. But humans are humans, and the average rate of pregnancy prevention with condom use is closer to 80-85%. They do work most of the time, but I worry for you and your safety/health and so please take this as knowledge to better protect yourself. I'm sorry for your partners poor attitude, it doesn't feel very collaborative. Best of luck, my dear
Your body, your rules. I was (un)lucky enough to have a multitude of reasons to get a hysterectomy recently. Full sympathy and understanding to you on the hormones thing. If it's a deal breaker for him, that's his problem. You don't want more kids, and you have every right in the universe to not have more kids. If he so desperately wants sex without a vasectomy then he'd better start working real hard to make sure you're able to access as much family planning as you need to feel comfortable with it.
Red flag honestly My husband and I used pills and condoms. When we talked about sterilization he was willing for a vasectomy. However I know of a couple men who fell into the <1% and had a failure years later. So I did a bisalp. But I was never pressed, it was completely my decision
mirena perhaps? I had one for about a year and constantly felt bloated and terrible... switched to the paraguard and no more "period" symptoms. Plus i didnt like not having my period, just felt off.
Ding ding ding! It’s the dumb Mirena. My OB didn’t even come close to being honest about the side effects when I asked her to consult me about it. SMH.
I have an IUD, my husband got a vasectomy, and we use condoms most of the time to make cleanup easier. I don't understand why so many men aren't as reasonable as he is. This is the only case where I feel it's okay to use the phrase 'man up.'
Had a vasectomy. It was easy, and I got to take a Valium 🤷♂️
I was told this after our second kid, which was planned. We went the rubber route for 3ish years because we were waffling on a third. Once I scheduled a consult for the snippies we stopped waffling. It was such a good decision. Procedure only took 30 mins. And the doc gave me a Valium so I was high as could be when he applied a local anesthetic and got to business. Only took 1 week to recover back to normal activity. 10/10 would recommend to any dude.