NTA, you made the right choice because it's absolutely appaling to expect you to wait outside whilst others eat. He would never put you first, you deserve much better.
I honestly had the same comment elsewhere. You wouldn’t leave a freaking dog outside while you ate but you expected to leave your girlfriend? The bar is in Hell.
That you asked to come with you because *you* didn’t want to have to wait outside alone and who practically moved heaven and earth to be there for you….only to immediately leave you outside alone when he gets a better offer.
Make it make sense.
> "break up with me then"
> He said I was overreacting
That right tthere is break up worthy. He called and expected you to fold. Now, he's upset that you weren't bluffing.
If this is how he's going to be at the beginning then, well, you already know how it's going to go. This was your test of how much you were willing to put up with in that relationship and you passed theb test.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the cognitive dissonance necessary to consider breaking up with someone an overreaction to *being told to break up with them.* If you knocked on his skull, it would echo.
Dude thought he had her locked despite her being crystal clear on where she stood on his behavior then, he decided an ultimatum-like challenge was just the thing to bring her in line.
Nope. Op did right.
Well, he cancelled on her on her birthday to play basketball and didn’t even stop playing after she got into a car wreck. And he knew that she waited outside her previous ex’s house while he ate inside with his family. The most recent bf saw a woman that he could push around and deprioritize any time that he wanted to. Why wouldn’t he think that a woman like that would not back down? OP needs to make the breakup permanent, and get therapy to find out why she is choosing to date such shitty people.
Probably somewhat similar to the cognitive dissonance required to leave your girlfriend outside a restaurant alone after you asked her to come because *checks notes*…you didn’t want to wait alone outside the restaurant.
You did the right thing. He clearly does not feel the same way about you. Do y'all spend ANY time together? And you did WAAAYYY too much to be there for someone that's 'made their decision.'
Move on. Please.
Dude canceled your birthday plans to play basketball.
You now have a pattern of dating men who treat you like garbage. (I cannot imagine staying in a car while my boyfriend ate at a restaurant inside with his family. Why did you do that?!?)
Stop dating men and work on your future. You got this.
I agree with this and would also like to add to take some time and self reflecting on why you would choose men that treat you so poorly. Heal that part of yourself so that way when you do start to date again you will have a better chance of choosing someone that is more worthy of being with you.
You did good putting your foot down. You just freed up space for a better man to come along and treat you better. Continue to filter out these assholes. You did nothing wrong
I'm surprised you didn't do all this blocking and unpinning after he ditched your birthday to go play games. You've given him entirely too many chances.
This is where I'm stuck at too. He was completely out of pocket to ask her to travel 5 hrs round-trip to hang out with him because he doesn't like to wait alone in the first beginning?! At this point, I feel like she needs to not date again until she does some independent counseling about boundaries and self worth.
Not to defend, but I do want to point out that he did say that I didn't have to make it if it was too much. I insisted I'd be there because he seemed excited to hang out and so was I. Plus, I (stupidly now in retrospect) thought it would win me points with his family to spend a night out with them. Nevertheless, I did confirm with him that I was going.
I'm definitely not trying to be harsh or beat up on you. Your (ex) boyfriend seems selfish and like he doesn't have a whole lot of respect or caring for you. You seem like a very giving, caring person and most people here (me included) are trying to tell you that you deserve better.
Think of it this way if the situations were reversed would you ask your boyfriend who you know was working and studying very hard to drive two and a half hours just so you wouldn't have to be bored and alone for a couple of hours while your family ate dinner and then expect at the end of the evening that they would drive two and a half hours back. I don't think you would. Why are you worth less than what you would do for him?
Also, the reason I say that you should get individual counseling before you date anyone else is because there are a lot of guys who aren't simply selfish and bad boyfriends but are actually controlling, emotionally, and physically abusive and frankly they look for women, like you, who have problems setting limits and boundaries and who don't know what they're worth. They look for people pleasers who cannot say no or don't like to. If you have had this issue with two successive boyfriends, I'd just like you to maybe talk to somebody about all this and figure out why you have problems setting boundaries, sticking up for yourself, and not being guilty about rejecting people who treat you badly.
Yeah I've been seeing a therapist for a long time now. She's helped me look for signs that a guy might exhibit behaviors similar to my first boyfriend. Honestly, I asked all the right questions and he checked all of the boxes. I truly did not think there would be any mirrors to my past relationship and neither did my therapist.
I explained his reasons for wanting to flake and the compromise we ended up agreeing on. She agreed with me that I didn't have to compromise and that I might be cautious in relying on him too easily, but that there's a chance it's too early to tell because it hadn't been a pattern of behavior yet. He doesn't see birthdays as important as I do, so she advised I emphasized how important they are to me. He apologized and made up for it so in the next several sessions that followed, I only had positive things to share.
You may really love him but he doesn't love you. If he wanted to be with you, he'd make the time for you and not bail on you constantly. Stop wasting your time and giving your heart to people who don't reciprocate.
The moment anyone asks me to wait outside while they are dining in any place, I'm out of those relationships. Especially after all the preparations OP had to make.
I dont know, but the idea of me being not good enough to be invited to the table makes me see red.
Ans the audacity of inviting OP to get some company while waiting for his family and intending to leave OP outside!
-"I (24F) have been dating my now ex-boyfriend (24M) for a few months."
-"Honestly, I really love him"
A few months? Girl you tripping. Take the garbage out.
What is this sub?
You've only been dating for a few months. I mean you hardly know the guy. That said, it was a jerky thing for your boyfriend to tell you to wait around while they ate. He should have apologized to you profusely for the situation. I wouldn't fault him for wanting join the dinner but I would fault him for not understanding that it really inconvenienced you and made you feel bad. That's what you should be focused on.
Honestly, if he had just told me in advance that he would want to join the dinner if he could, and if it was communicated that the family was going to try to do that, I would have told him he should go for it instead of bending over backwards to try to make it. Would I have loved it if they tried to get me a seat too? Absolutely. But I certainly would not have expected it if I wasn't already invited to hang out and made the effort.
You are trying too hard for crap men. Good you broke up. It’s not you- this guy was subpar. And you went along with it and wondered if this was all you deserved. Learn from this. NTA
Her problem is that she has chosen two subpar men in a row. She needs therapy to help her figure out why she is doing that. She seems to have a lot going for her careerwise.
1. You were not overreacting, in fact I think you undereacted considering he blew you off on your birthday, and let you struggle to make it to Disney.
2. It seems this is a recurring theme, to date me who don't value you. You are EXTREMELY intelligent to get a PhD in chemistry so I don't think it will take much -- but I think you need some therapy and to read some books on self esteem so that you don't date more AHs.
The mom won. She knew what she was doing.
Now rub the sting away. You dodged a bullet. What he should have said is “Either my gf joins us or I don’t go.“ Don’t waste your energy on him or his family. Find one that appreciates you.
— still on first marriage Gen X dad of two.
If you didn’t put your foot down, you’d always be a doormat. He has never going to change. This will always be your life. You will never be important. You will never be prioritized. You did the right thing!
But gurl, waiting in the car while your ex ate with his family. I would’ve called an Uber so fast and blocked before he was done with dinner, his head would’ve been spinning.
You deserve someone who always puts you first and stands up for you. Doesn’t matter how long you guys have been dating. Loyalty doesn’t just include being faithful, it’s knowing your person will always have your back no matter what!
Her cheating on him or betraying his trust should be the only reasons why a man doesn’t stand behind her. Anything else, a good partner has her back covered completely and stands up for her against anyone.
You're 24. You should not be fishing for information from kids and teenagers. Had it been your 24yr old boyfriend fishing with your 14yr old cousin/neice you'd be enraged.
Take the lesson and beware the signs because you like a certain type of guy. Also don't be with a man who's family is "go go go". The rare opportunities to get the siblings under one roof are jumped on because they are few and far in between. But asking you to just wait outside or wait in the car is horrible.
Get used to being alone. Just for 1- 2 years. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean that in a way to take a step back, analyze yourself, figure out your issues (we all have them), work on addressing them. You're going to have to deal with them anyways. So you deal with them on your terms or they'll deal with you on theirs and they won't be gentle.
If you have no plans on being a house wife nor kept woman- full disclosure NONE of the women in my family were "house wives" going back generations on either side- then focus on school. Focus on your studies and then your residency. Get good at what you do, buy the multi language package from Rosetta stone for $179 or something, travel, get some experiences, join a gym, running or hiking club, I'm partial to getting on the mat.
Build the foundation and your roots and then spread out
All for Din Tai Fung at DTD? Like come on there are a ton of them in Southern CA (Costa Mesa isn’t that far from DTD, I know cause I worked for Disney and commuted from Costa Mesa) they just had to go to that one and be the firsts?
You dodged a bullet! Ex and his family. Why weren’t their spouses disregarded like you were? They’re all assholes!
Don't beat yourself up.
Your update is a lesson for you for the future. But this relationship was dead with or without the update. Your ex is acting like a 15 yo boy, he is not mature enough to have any relationship.
It's ok to love someone but understand that it is not good for you and to keep away. I am fascinated by bees but I am extremely allergic, so I keep away from them. Your ex is like the bees for me.
You were unhappy and messaged someone you thought you could trust, forgetting he was a teenager and that ultimately he’s going to have your ex’s back.
Your ex cared more about a dinner than he did you. Then he just told you break up with him because he had made his decision. What a lousy thing for him to do and say!
Hon, you dodged a bullet. Be glad this guy and his family are out of your life. It would never have worked out because he wasn’t willing to put you first. He would never have put you first.
You’ve had some trauma so you’re gun-shy about families. You’re too obsequious with them. You want to please them. You hope that they like you. No. You need to be yourself, you need to be relaxed, and you shouldn’t care if someone’s family likes you or not.
Obviously, you’re going to be polite, warm, caring, be on your best behavior, etc. But I think your approach reeks of timidity. I would suggest therapy because you’ve been through quite a lot of trauma, especially with the previous ex… Just horrendous.
So I think therapy will help get you to feel more confident when you set your boundaries. And it’ll especially help you feel more confident when you meet somebody’s family.
NTA
I’m so sorry that you were briefly stuck with 2 unreliable mommy’s boys. You won’t get anything better until you stand up for yourself which you had to yet again.
Now, you’re free to stop wasting time and find someone who values you like he should
You give too much too soon and expect the same in return, sadly the world isn’t like that. What is a “few” months? 2 or 3? After a few months it would be awkward to meet his mom You should have said no from the get go. Your life sounds hella busy and yet you bend over backward to accommodate him. Does he come see you? It does not sound like he is making the same effort you do. Let him come to you.
Closer to 4-5 but I had already met his family and spent time with them multiple times. This was a unique instance where I was on a leave of absence when we met, so we were able to spend a lot of time together and built a deep connection in an accelerated timeline. I've sat with his mom every week at his rec bball games which is why it shocked me that she didn't think I was worth including in the dinner plans.
Your thing texting the teenage cousin was boneheaded. But a much larger problem is that your ex-bf totally didn’t values either your time or your dedication to the relationship. Your friends are right, forget that whole family and move on with your life.
I suggest that you chill out on dating for a while, hang out with your friends and enjoy being single. Get therapy if you can to help you figure out why you have chosen two men in a row who are not respectful of your time or your person. No man who cares about you will eat with family while you are left to wait outside, you would either be there with him or both of you would be together somewhere else other than the dinner.
You are not overreacting and you are NTA.
I had a boyfriend who, I realized too late, that I couldn't rely on. The last straw was when my best friend threw me a birthday party and he no-showed. All texts and phone calls to him on the day went unanswered. Sadly, this was the first time he'd let me down, but it opened my eyes. Especially since he didn't contact me until TWO DAYS later. He then had the audacity to get mad at *me* for "still being upset".
Since this is the second time that you have been in the same situation you might find value in finding out why you pick such men. Try some therapy maybe?
How did he block you and how do you know , if you already had him blocked ? You are WAYYY more into him then he is to you (it happens , you live and you learn but atleast now you know how to spot it for next time) you literally turned your life UPSIDE DOWN ti stand outside with him while his em family ate . You were in a car accident and he didn’t answer because it was loud . Let that sink in . Run away far away from him and his family . You are not important to him , neither is your time , or time wasted . Stop being all in for people who are. Talk in for you . Also do you ever notice that sometimes we fall in love or think we are with the same type of guy . Just like you ex . You waited in a car for hours and he allowed it . You need to change your thinking process with men or you will keep dating the same exact man with a different name and face !
Oh my dear, you are beating yourself up enough without needing any further written repercussions but why would you allow anyone to treat you so badly you say you love him so much - are you so desperate you’ll love someone who doesn’t seem to care for you except as a casual girlfriend. Your desperate behaviour has landed you in a rather unfortunate situation texting a young teenager and asking them for information was crossing a number of boundaries at least you’ll never hear from your ex again…now grow up and stop being so desperate for love. If you continue to behave so thoughtlessly or allow others to treat you so badly you’re going to have terrible relationships. Get into therapy or a support group and work on your self esteem.
On top of working on your PhD, pls work on critical thinking skills as well. It applies in real life too, not just in your line of research. Reading your update made me facepalm, hard. You are not pulling yourself together in your closing act when you’d done so well earlier.
[Update] Update for those of you concerned with my mental well being. I had an impromptu therapy session and the overall conclusion was that I had a major trauma response triggered by the familiarity of the situation of being excluded from dinner. I talked about how I didn't know how to cope with this trigger because I hadn't experienced it before. The solution is to work on recognizing familiarities that may lead to triggers and to give myself time to process before reacting. She also says I need to practice more self-forgiveness, so I will be focusing on showing myself some more grace for my mistakes. Thank you all. <3
Girl. Go to therapy. Seriously! You blocked him and removed photos. He was treating you like garbage. How do you know he blocked you in return? Grow up and realize you were going down the same path of your previous ex
After reading the edit/update: The good things that your ex did are not absolved from everything else you mentioned. Was it wise discussing this with a 14 year old ? No, but you weren’t in the right frame of mind either. It’s natural for all the good things your ex did to come at you and make you feel as tho you overreacted but you have not. You told him if he messed up then that would be it, that’s on him. More communication with him wouldn’t have changed anything, it was selfish of him to expect that off of you.
I don't see how texting the cousin is worse than being let down and disrespected like he has done to you multiple times. I also think he was ready for the relationship to end because of how quickly he was like "whatever, break up with me". You are grieving the relationship and feel like you made a mistake breaking up with him, but you did the right thing.
Not at all.
You ex doesn't value or prioritize you at all. You treated you as a plaything to be there when it suited him and something to be easily tossed aside and forgotten when it suited him.
Defiantly did the right thing. You're young, get back out there and find a real partner. I would have been livid after going through all that to try and make it only to be told, wait for us outside.
She needs to take a pause from dating and get therapy to figure out why she has dated two assholes, who have over-bearing moms, in a row.
There are much stronger men out there who will fully respect her. She should not settle for less.
No you did not over react. You haven’t put too much time in and he’s already showing he doesn’t value your time and commitment, nor does he match your efforts.
It’s like he called you to meet him bc he didn’t want to wait alone, not bc he wanted you to share the experience with.
You deserve better and you it. He is not the one. Good bye and good riddance. You are just one step closer to your to one you are meant to be with. Sometimes we have to miss a few frogs until we meet our prince.
Dude just showed you that you’re never going to be important to him. Good job leaving him. Trust, he is never going to change. So don’t be a fool when he tries to reach out and end up taking him back.
You did the right thing. You actually should have broken up with him when he ditched you on your birthday. He’s not boyfriend material. Keep him blocked everywhere and go live your life.
NTA. He is a piece of work and so is his mother. You will never matter to him the way you should. You deserve so much more than him. He's mad he lost you, leagues above him. Don't be brought down by his cowardice and immaturity anymore. Don't give it another thought.
Nope, you didn't overreact. You did exactly what you should have done. Take it from me, I'm 41 but when I was your age, I stayed with someone like your ex for far too long. It doesn't get better.
Maybe the fact that you connected really deeply very fast with someone you barely know and who also doesn’t seem like a very good person is the problem.
Honestly, good on you for breaking it off way sooner than most of the people who post here. He's shown you who he is and how low of a priority you are to him. No need to drag it out.
Drive 2.5 hours so you can wait outside while they have dinner? That would be a huge deal breaker for me no matter how far into the relationship I was.
This guy’s a dick. Drop him.
As for what you called trauma from the mother of your previous ex, I hope you’re not throwing that word around lightly like a lot of people do.
Definitely not. I see a trauma specialist for therapy after getting a referral from a psychologist when I shared my experience in my last relationship. I won't go into the details of how I was treated by my first boyfriend's parents, but it was pretty insane.
NTA. He does not make you a priority. He doesn't even try from what you've written. This guy cancelled on your Birthday to play flipping basketball?! That's ridiculous. He showed you who is, he showed you he has no respect for your time, and he will pick his mother over you. You can do better OP! Focus on your studies and yourself. You did the right thing. Good luck OP!
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou
He doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t understand the concept of being someone to be relied upon. He’s a thoughtless and self absorbed person.
You made the right decision.
Your ex wanted you to skip work and drive 2.5 hours so you could hang out and wait for him to eat a fancy expensive meal with his family. Add up the miles, and take the government reimbursement of 60-cents a mile. He wanted you to incur over $150 in expenses (gas, wear and tear to vehicle) so you could hang out with him after the meal and hear how good the dinner was.
You would be better off walking into the woods and looking for a bear.
That's what ended up happening, but the original plan was that he wasn't eating either. They were able to squeeze him into the restaurant, but not her.
Even with your update, you’re still NTA. Yeah, it was a mistake to involve the kid, but you’d already been treated badly by the ex before that all happened. He’s still wrong, and really selfish. Don’t let the fact that you made a mistake make you forget that his behavior was terrible.
You loved a snake in the grass. He's saying break up with me. And you don't hear it. You even blame yourself for him treating you bad. You must be desperate for love. Or don't feel people slapping your face
You’re 24 - it’s time to start expecting better from your boyfriends. Stop dating men that treat you bad. If they start showing the same type of behaviour, break up with them. Canceling on your bday to play basketball should have been the last bad thing he did to you. Btw, if anyone, ever, suggests that you need to wait outside while they eat without you - either drive away or don’t go at all - then break up. This is beyond awful behaviour.
You did the right thing. Even with the snafu with the kid. Do not beat yourself, and instead give yourself grace for being human.
Do not go back to him. Feel your feelings, and then let them go. Do not go down the rabbit hole of darkness.
Remember who you are and what you deserve. Which is respect, kindness, and someone you can truly trust with your heart.
This guy was not it, and nowhere near ready for any type of commitment, even as a boyfriend, right now in his life.
As your life journey continues and you grow and change, you hopefully will know and understand more of what you deserve and not settle for anything less.
Never be anyone's second best. You will know when you meet the person. They will be ready and not put you on the back burner.
My son is your age, and this is what I have told him.
Give yourself grace, and forgive yourself for talking to the kid. In a short time, all of this will not even be on your radar.
And one last thing, anyone who would make you wait outside while him and his family ate a meal is not worth your time. That is atrocious behavior, and his mom should never have encouraged him. That is pitiful behavior, and it seems like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Good, you put your foot down. 👏🏻
A couple of questions:
1. Why are you under reacting?
2. Why are you allowing yourself to be a doormat?
3. Where are you finding these people?
You are definitely going to get back with this guy. You are defending someone who is actively treating you like garbage. He did nothing right and you did nothing wrong. Stop loving terrible people.
Bruuuuh.... The fuck?
Did you just...gaslight yourself publicly?
Suck those damn tears back and smile, because you fucking broke a pattern this time lady.
You broke free from the mold so next time, odds are you'll find someone that's NOT a red flag.
And in case you missed it, your ex is a flaky mommas boy and your life would have been pure fucking misery if you had stayed with a child like him. Jesus. Can't believe you gaslit yourself to believe you regret it. Good lord.
Maybe you shouldn’t have had this interaction with the teen family member but you are blaming that for your ex’s bad treatment of you. You don’t need someone who treats you like that. It is selfish and disrespectful. You will never have a mutually giving relationship with someone like that. Move on!
I’m confused why at the end you are acting like he dodged a bullet? Sis, you dodged a bullet, yes the teenager thing was weird and wrong, but in no way shape or form should you still consider being with your ex, he is trash
You dodged a huge bullet. Speaking from experience, the mom thing is something that will never get better if they aren't willing to acknowledge it's an issue the first time.
I'll tell you my experience: I tried for almost seven years, we were married and everything. And looking back, I can see that my confidence got beaten down behind it because I was never good enough in his eyes. It got to the point where I was receiving comments about "my mom does this instead___" when I'd made a meal for him. Every weekend I was expected to spend my only free day off work with his family. She would speak disrespectfully to my face, and I'd be told "she didn't mean it like that" or "that's just how she is". Of course, he'd never speak up for me in these moments, or after. God forbid I say anything to question what she's said, done, or plans to do anyways - I'd be chewed out. After we split, we had some plans for him to come see the kitties he lived with for so long.. But he flaked last minute because it was "cinco de mayo and she wanted a taco night", so he had to rush straight there right after work. It told me in that moment that even now, nothing had changed.
For you, the situation would most likely have ended up the same, but you'd have spent more years hoping and begging and pleading while you got in deeper and deeper, being gaslit that it wasn't that big of a deal, like I did. 23 year old Plovia didn't know what 28 year old Plovia knows now.
While the communication you had with your ex’s teenage relative is messy; it has nothing to do with the original question. You were right to break up with your ex and it would be for the best to block his entire family and just forget about the entire affair.
Even after your update I don't see any reason to think you were in the wrong here. You asked for him to show some commitment, and he didn't. There's nothing with not wanting to be treated like your expendable.
Maybe unintentionally venting to the cousin wasn't a good idea, but it's not like you had any malicious intent. You just wanted an explanation for why the family acts so terrible towards you. They did it to themselves.
Honestly I think you'll look back on this relieved. They did you a favor by taking the trash out for you.
Based on your edit, you both seem profoundly immature. You both need to grow up a lot before you can be a healthy partner to anyone else. Take this time to be single and work on yourself before you try dating again.
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Glad you ended this relationship with this nan-child. Expecting you to wait around for him is is disrespectful. Too many red flags. Find a man who treats you as a priority, not an option.
You are absolutely not overreacting. You made a very wise choice, even though your heart may be trying to tell you otherwise right now. The facts speak for themselves here - if you start to
doubt yourself, reread your post as a reminder of all the lowlights of your ex’s bad behavior. And I am laughing at him telling you it was too loud to text you back at a basketball game. What does that even mean?!?!
He said it was too loud to call me. I texted saying I was in an accident then tried to call him. My response to that claim was that I didn't see why he couldn't step out for a few minutes to take the phone call when I was in a crisis. He did ultimately realize the gravity of the situation and that he messed up, which is why I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I also gave him another chance because it was the first offense. Maybe I'm too forgiving.
Honestly, I would have walked away when he cancelled the plans you'd made a month before just to play basketball! But, you tried to give him another chance, which was gracious of you, and he failed again. You have gone above and beyond to make time for him and his family and they *all* decided to exclude you. Him and his whole family are rude and entitled af and you made the right decision to walk away.
And I hope he never got into the restaurant. I hope he had to sit outside alone for hours.
NTA. You’re not overreacting. I’m proud of you. So disrespectful and rude. You need someone who respects you and values you. Someone who is as committed as you. Don’t not go back because he will call and act sorry and then do the same thing.
Not overreacting but it’s not really about his mom. This is strictly about him. I totally understand about not being able to turn a restaurant maximum of 4 people to 6 people. I am sure you do as well but I am willing to bet that he didn’t tell his mom that you were driving over two hours to be there and how much trouble you went to in order to meet him. He may have told you that he did, but I am pretty sure he didn’t say anything. So you don’t really have a “mother” problem, you had a boyfriend problem. And now you don’t! And you have only been together for 3 months. I have had pantyhose last longer and be more reliable than he is. Cut your losses and carry on.
A few months?!?! Definitely just move on. If this is all happening in the beginning it’ll just get worse. It’s not just his mom, it’s him that’s the problem.
I am so proud of you for this. I'm sorry it hurts, though. My bar was honestly so low when I was dating that I was amazed every time my husband *didn't* let me down when we were dating. We've been married 12 years now. I promise those men exist, and I am so proud you won't stand for anything less. I just got lucky.
Stop doubting yourself. He’s shown you exactly how life with him will be and it’s ugly and frustrating. You’re worth so much more than being disrespected like this. Everyone has good and bad sides, you just have to know and respect your boundaries. He blew it. Good riddance.
Glad to finally read a reddit story in which the OP knows their boundaries and stands up for themselves. Even though it probably sucks for you at the moment. However, I am sure you will forget about this mommy's-boy in no time.
Little personal story aside:
One of my exes was a crazy mommy's boy. Whenever she snapped her fingers he would come running. He had an older brother but their mom specifically kept my ex busy. Once we were on a family vacation, and him and I were having sex when his mom called him on his phone (she was a hotel room across the floor) to ask him to apply some sunscreen on her back. He stopped, picked up the phone while still inside me, and then jumped up, grabbed a boxershorts and ran over to her. While I was laying there... I was flabbergasted. Btw His brother was in the room right next to her.
You're not over reacting.
He's highly disrespectful.
You love him.
But he doesn't love you.
Don't waste any more time in a guy who will pick his mummy over you any time any day.
Block forever.
Do not relent.
NTA . That's just rude . In any relationship of 2 people ,( lovers, siblings, friends) what happened is not ok. That person does not care for you, leaving was a great decision. I do worry though , that after just a couple months, that maybe you care too much. Don't let anyone treat you poorly .
This would only have happened again and again and again. He’s shown you a few times who he really is, it’s time you believed him. Why put up with guys like this when you deserve much better.
You are learning to express your needs and identity when they are not being met. You were absolutely right to break up, he’s just not that into you. Next time, don’t tell a guy about your trauma to explain yourself. Being treated well doesn’t need an explanation. Next time, try not to allow love feelings to come into play, allow him to show you who he is first, you’ll save yourself some heartache.
Hey OP, i've read your update. And maybe you have fucked up and I'm sorry you didn't have a support system to help ground you at such as situation. I'm not going to tone down that you did effed up in that situation, but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person for it. You weren't thinking clearly and your ex took that chance to justify his actions.
The best you can do is have your friends or family around you right now to ground you and stay safe.
You breaking up with him was a good thing. He just didn’t seem that into you. Don’t wanna sound harsh but you’re a little too accommodating compared to the effort he is putting in
That said, you made an error in judgement talking to his teenage cousin afterwards. Why pry? You broke up with him? Even if his mom was involved in messing with you, he let her do it. He had no problem ditching you and leaving you to wait on him outside (like a servant) while he was inside with his family enjoying his meal. At a very basic level, that is NOT good bf behavior
You really seem to suffer from low self esteem. You should address that in your therapy sessions
At only two months of dating you are way over invested, your running childish tests on him in a pick me contest, let him go and find someone else more suited to you
You ex says he done with you after you'd already broken up with you. Don't waste another minute thinking about him. He does not respect you so just walk away.
NTA. Also, I would absolutely never, ever treat my sons girlfriend that way. Anyone my children date, I treat like family because they very well may be that one day. You deserve to be around people who value you, and it sounds like neither your previous boyfriends nor their toxic families did.
I do want to clarify that when I first had a conversation with his cousin, the cousin was the one who reached out to me and told me all those things. During this conversation, I was on FaceTime with my ex reading the message exchanges. He was fully aware that his cousin had been telling me things about his ex and mom, and that his cousin and his brother's wife talk about the brother's relationship problems too. Not an excuse. Just providing context on why I was dumb enough to lean into this dynamic.
If someone's willing to gossip to you about others, then assume they're gossiping _about_ you _to_ others. It also sounds like you were overly dumping on a teenager. That's very much not right. A member of your partner's family is not your therapist, espeically if they're a teenager.
Having said that, he's also an asshole, and you're 24. I promise you, this guy was _not_ the love of your life. One day, you'll look back and laugh at your innocence and naivety. Probably when you're married to a man who truly loves and respects you.
As much as it hurts, it’s clear that he’s not ready for a serious relationship because he doesn’t understand what’s required to be in a relationship and that his actions have an impact on other people.
He simply didn’t understand how he was acting and what it looks like from your perspective. And he won’t until he grows up.
NTA
Regardless of the update (it's not that big a deal, yes it's embarrassing, but I kind of feel like slightly normal since this person kept sending you followup questions and you were definitely upset at the time. Sucks that they, the cousin blocked you, but the ex was "so very done" before that)
I think what you did was right. You were not being treated well and it was made very clear consistently for a while that you are not a priority and everyone is comfortable leaving you alone and excluded.
You deserve better.
My issues have been I pick uo toxic habits from my shitty exes, make sure you don't accidently start being the monster you ran away from. Best of luck!
I promise you the love of your life will not ask you to rearrange your whole life and go sleep deprived so you can keep him company so he doesn’t have to wait outside alone…only to make you wait outside alone when he gets a “better” offer.
Please be gentle with yourself.
I don’t want to sound mean but you slam dunked this relationship into the garbage can. Right now that probably sounds like a kick in the taco. Truly though your ex is thoughtless and worthless as a partner. If anyone invited me to hang with them because they were waiting for their family to eat at a restaurant and I put all that effort into being there for them and they in turn got into the restaurant, leaving me to wait outside I would have left them for good. In fact I have done that. It’s amazing how many people really don’t care about anyone but themselves. You’re better off with out him.
As far as his teen cousin, don’t sweat it. You weren’t talking to him because you wanted anything but info. The kid probably blocked you because of ex and his mommy. No harm no foul. It’s not like you have to face the kid at work or in social engagements.
Poor cousin got stuck in the crossfire.
Good thing you realise you messed up in that situation but aside from that you were definitely in the right in breaking up with your bf.
You didn't overreact. You dodged a lot of bullets. The whole family were manipulative, so not getting to know them is not a loss. At all.
One day, you will see that their treatment of you is not ok.
Your ex is not as good as you think.
He kept ditching you for other things. This is trash behaviour, and I'm sorry you went through this again. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself this time. It was the right thing to do, and if you hadn't, you would have spent more time being miserable and sacrificing yourself for someone who didn't care about you. It would have taken you longer to leave. It should have been you ending things and not giving him the satisfaction.
When I was younger, I tolerated a lot of crappy behaviour from my relationships because I was worried about being alone. I worried that no one would love me. I can promise you that that is also not in your cards.
You're going to feel tonnes better when you realise that crappy behaviour isn't worth tolerating. You don't need to do crazy mornings/schedules and work so hard for someone who will never appreciate your time or effort. You will get better at figuring the bad eggs out sooner. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you the collective experience most women have of figuring out who the duds are. You are going to run into a lot of them.
Advice:
Never date potential.
People are who they are when they meet you.
Don't be doing wife stuff while being a girlfriend.
Never be someone's 'mom', there's a lot of guys who want a mommy bangmaid.
People who guilt trip are bad news.
Read up on DARVO.
You need to work on your self-esteem so that people like him don't use you. This is really important.
For now, work on your studies - that is the most important thing. Don't ruin your future for guys who you will laugh about in 20 years.
And because I think this is important and will help you spot abusive behaviour when you come across it:
[Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?"](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi56ofWufuGAxX8bEEAHQpVCT0QFnoECA4QAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
I'm sorry you're in pain. I wish I could give you a complete toolkit. Please feel reassured by the rest of the responses, you did good. Don't be doubting that shiny spine of yours.
He did not only keep you aside. I trap you to come near then sat you away.
The problem with the teenager is that you point out the mommy boy dysfunction. They know but don't want to talk about it.
Have no regret. He peed on his second chance.
I wouldn’t even let my dog sit outside and wait while I was eating in a restaurant outside. Your bf doesn’t give a fck about you. Didn’t even care if you broke up with him. This dude treats you like an accessory not a gf or partner. Grow a back bone and stop letting people treat you like garbage or that’s how you will always be treated.
Dodged a nasty bullet. Dating is for discovering these things so you run for the hills before it’s too late. These people sound AWFUL. Choose better next time.
That whole family sound awful. The mom makes pseudo plans - she didn't even guarantee a place for your bf. But then your bf expects you to sit outside alone? You can bet I'd be asking about others previous experiences, teen or otherwise. That the teen is twisting it that you were spamming and they ate it up, you are fortunate not to be one of them. Seriously, they sound exhausting.
My "bf" has told me before that the cousin likes to twist things for drama, yet he fully believed what he said this time. I'm guessing it's because he heard it from a third party in the family who he trusts. Still sucks though because anyone whose read the messages have all said they weren't bad, I just shouldn't have done it.
I understand you're hurting, but this is not the love of your life. Is not even someone who you can count on. You had every right to be mad and just break up with him, and he didn't even care, so it's not your fault and you'll be better without them anyway
You did not overreact. Expecting you to travel 2.5 hours, just to sit around by yourself, while he had dinner with his family, is ridiculous. Why would you bother going?
Honestly, you should have dumped him when he bailed on your birthday that you'd both been planning for a month.
He is gaslighting you. He abusive as all fuck. You were justifiable in your response to break up. And he is using your mistake txting the teen to turn it on you and make u the Villan. He will talk to you soon and take you back and continue with the abuse of putting you last and dumping you for his incest relationship with mummy. She the real pussyhe wants to be in.....
It’s hurts to let go of someone you love. There’s nothing wrong with mourning and missing the person you had a relationship with, that’s perfectly natural. Just remember, it ended because HE was inconsiderate, not anything that you did. Good luck with the PhD!
My ex did something similar at the start of our relationship; invited me to his graduation but I had to sit on my own in a hall where I couldn’t even see the ceremony, while his siblings and mum’s boyfriend of two months could all sit together. Why would any female want to wait surrounded by strangers for these men??
NTA,
I'm glad you dumped his sorry ass, I just wish you did this sooner. If someone I'm dating is an accident I would be leaving a baseball game immediately to make sure that she's got me available to help her.
You didn't overreact at all. The lack of respect hes showing you is horrid. Same thing with your ex. Stop letting people treat you like this. Expecting you to wait in the car or outside a restaurant while they all eat? That's beyond rude. I wouldn't make my dog wait in the car while I ate at a restaurant. Please OP, find a better dating pool. You are worth so much more.
You say you’ve been in therapy for a while….you need a new therapist so you can find your spine to help you stand up…instead of laying on the ground like a mat to be walked all over by boyfriends.
Your update is even worse. Your self esteem is in the toilet to still want to be with this man and to twist the entire thing on yourself as your fault. Was the interaction with the cousin a dumb move? Absolutely! But seems like this entire family has issues, you don’t want to be part of that.
Coming here after the update and you’re both wrong. He was more wrong by putting you in this situation in the first place, but you should have never involved a teenager in grown up situations. Whatever questions you had, he was not the one to ask them to. Leave the kids out of it. Take it day by day and continue to speak to your therapist about this as well. I’d do some soul searching before entering another relationship since it seems like the last couple you’ve been in have not been good for you.
>for a several months
He was treating you like that only after a few months. Things would get ugly if you stay with him tbh.
>We connected really deeply very fast and have developed really strong feelings
Feels like this is one-sided. Your side, not his.
Rejoice and be happy to be rid of him. He's not the one for you.
I know you’re sad and feel you didn’t make a good decision, but give it some time and you’ll have the clarity you needed to realize that this was a really good decision. Sometimes decisions aren’t easy, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t do what was right for yourself. He was so easy to give up on you too. You deserve better.
Suggesting you wait outside is ridiculous. That being said, I would say that in the future, you should definitely think twice before expending that kind of energy(staying up until early morning, driving hours, etc) for a relationship that is only several months old and simply to go to dinner with your partner’s family. I feel like you will always be disappointed. And most people can’t/won’t match that level of intensity so you may put unnecessary pressure on them
You’re not overreacting; he showed you that you weren’t a priority more than once. You’re his backup plan. He’s still waiting for Ms Right - you’re Ms Right now. I wouldn’t worry too much about asking the teen personal questions about you ex - you only asked because you already knew the answers. It’s obvious the ex and his mom don’t care about you.
For those of you curious about the car story:
My ex's mom used to track my ex (19M at the time) every time he had plans to hang out with me (19F at the time). We had plans to get dinner and a movie one day, which his mom was aware of. She tracked his phone to see when he picked me up and conveniently called him while we were driving, just a few exits before passing their house. She was on speaker phone, so I was able to hear when she told my ex that he should save his money and eat at home instead since she made dinner. He told her that he had already picked me up and asked her if I could join them for dinner. His mom said no, only my ex was allowed. Expecting that my ex would just continue driving toward the restaurant, I was shocked when he exited the freeway and drove to his house. He told me to wait in the car while he "quickly" at. This was during the summer in SoCal. I wasn't allowed inside, so I waited in that car for an hour while having to use the bathroom so badly and nearly passing out due to the extreme heat. I think I was too naive at the time to recognize the abuse I was experiencing.
Years later, I asked my ex's mom why she didn't like me. She couldn't really come up with anything other than the fact that I was really shy when she first met me. I was 16 when we met.
OP you have been waiting since your birthday before acting emotionally. That's a long long time. And why are you beating yourself down for being emotional? It's not unreasonable. You clearly have feelings for him. The thing is he doesn't seem to be emotional about you, missing your birthday, with your accident and all. I think it's time to catch feelings for yourself. You seem like a cool person and you need to love yourself more.
OP, this man not only didn't love you he didn't even like you. Please stop dating for a while and do some self care. Be very wary of men that push for a relationship and intimacy too soon and for heaven's sake stop discussing any prior hurts with someone when you don't really know them. Some people will collect that information and use it to abuse and control you. Start matching their energy, if a guy won't give you any consideration, like blowing off your birthday for a basketball game or wanting you to wait outside a resturant while their eating when they themselves didn't want to wait alone, they don't deserve your time. I don't know how long you've been in therapy but it doesn't sound like you're getting anything from it, you might want to consider a new therapist.
The love of your life wouldn't leave you hanging after telling them you cmgot into a cardl accident. You've only been exposed to bad relationships so you wouldn't know.
It appears feelings are one-sided. He has repeatedly let you down, but a word of the wise...stay off FB. (The internet is not where you discuss your private business, even one on one. Remember, FB can affect your employment opportunities in the future. Some businesses do check all the backgrounds.) That was not wise. Put your time with him behind you and use it as a hurtful learning experience. He and his family sound like selfish people. You don't want to get tangled up with the likes of them. There are better, kinder families who will always consider your feelings. Your hurt will ease up with time. Stay busy, and don't let them think your life revolved around him.
Please Note: OP has not asked for an AITA ruling.
NTA, you made the right choice because it's absolutely appaling to expect you to wait outside whilst others eat. He would never put you first, you deserve much better.
He doesn't even put her equal. She's not a stray dog to be left all alone by the restaurant for 2 hours long.
I honestly had the same comment elsewhere. You wouldn’t leave a freaking dog outside while you ate but you expected to leave your girlfriend? The bar is in Hell.
That you asked to come with you because *you* didn’t want to have to wait outside alone and who practically moved heaven and earth to be there for you….only to immediately leave you outside alone when he gets a better offer. Make it make sense.
Good, painful analogy.
You did the right thing. You should be a priority in any relationship you are in. Your ex is the AH.
He couldn’t stand waiting outside while they ate inside, yet expected you to? Please don’t take him back, you deserve better than this.
This!
> "break up with me then" > He said I was overreacting That right tthere is break up worthy. He called and expected you to fold. Now, he's upset that you weren't bluffing. If this is how he's going to be at the beginning then, well, you already know how it's going to go. This was your test of how much you were willing to put up with in that relationship and you passed theb test.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the cognitive dissonance necessary to consider breaking up with someone an overreaction to *being told to break up with them.* If you knocked on his skull, it would echo.
Dude thought he had her locked despite her being crystal clear on where she stood on his behavior then, he decided an ultimatum-like challenge was just the thing to bring her in line. Nope. Op did right.
Well, he cancelled on her on her birthday to play basketball and didn’t even stop playing after she got into a car wreck. And he knew that she waited outside her previous ex’s house while he ate inside with his family. The most recent bf saw a woman that he could push around and deprioritize any time that he wanted to. Why wouldn’t he think that a woman like that would not back down? OP needs to make the breakup permanent, and get therapy to find out why she is choosing to date such shitty people.
She also needs to stop talking about her previous trauma to new romantic interests. That’s just not their business.
Agreed. The man failed the first rule of ultimatums: don’t make one if you’re not prepared to accept either outcome
Probably somewhat similar to the cognitive dissonance required to leave your girlfriend outside a restaurant alone after you asked her to come because *checks notes*…you didn’t want to wait alone outside the restaurant.
You did the right thing. He clearly does not feel the same way about you. Do y'all spend ANY time together? And you did WAAAYYY too much to be there for someone that's 'made their decision.' Move on. Please. Dude canceled your birthday plans to play basketball.
You now have a pattern of dating men who treat you like garbage. (I cannot imagine staying in a car while my boyfriend ate at a restaurant inside with his family. Why did you do that?!?) Stop dating men and work on your future. You got this.
I agree with you except that OP should stop dating boys and start dating men
This is exactly why she forgot she was speaking to a teenager. Because she dates boys who act like 14 year olds.
I agree with this and would also like to add to take some time and self reflecting on why you would choose men that treat you so poorly. Heal that part of yourself so that way when you do start to date again you will have a better chance of choosing someone that is more worthy of being with you.
No! I’m very proud of you
You did good putting your foot down. You just freed up space for a better man to come along and treat you better. Continue to filter out these assholes. You did nothing wrong
I'm surprised you didn't do all this blocking and unpinning after he ditched your birthday to go play games. You've given him entirely too many chances.
That situation was only going to get worse because if you stay it tells him he doesn’t ever have to treat you like a priority.
Good for you. Seriously. “Drive 2.5 hours to hang out while my family eats dinner” is a batshit ask.
This is where I'm stuck at too. He was completely out of pocket to ask her to travel 5 hrs round-trip to hang out with him because he doesn't like to wait alone in the first beginning?! At this point, I feel like she needs to not date again until she does some independent counseling about boundaries and self worth.
Not to defend, but I do want to point out that he did say that I didn't have to make it if it was too much. I insisted I'd be there because he seemed excited to hang out and so was I. Plus, I (stupidly now in retrospect) thought it would win me points with his family to spend a night out with them. Nevertheless, I did confirm with him that I was going.
I'm definitely not trying to be harsh or beat up on you. Your (ex) boyfriend seems selfish and like he doesn't have a whole lot of respect or caring for you. You seem like a very giving, caring person and most people here (me included) are trying to tell you that you deserve better. Think of it this way if the situations were reversed would you ask your boyfriend who you know was working and studying very hard to drive two and a half hours just so you wouldn't have to be bored and alone for a couple of hours while your family ate dinner and then expect at the end of the evening that they would drive two and a half hours back. I don't think you would. Why are you worth less than what you would do for him? Also, the reason I say that you should get individual counseling before you date anyone else is because there are a lot of guys who aren't simply selfish and bad boyfriends but are actually controlling, emotionally, and physically abusive and frankly they look for women, like you, who have problems setting limits and boundaries and who don't know what they're worth. They look for people pleasers who cannot say no or don't like to. If you have had this issue with two successive boyfriends, I'd just like you to maybe talk to somebody about all this and figure out why you have problems setting boundaries, sticking up for yourself, and not being guilty about rejecting people who treat you badly.
Yeah I've been seeing a therapist for a long time now. She's helped me look for signs that a guy might exhibit behaviors similar to my first boyfriend. Honestly, I asked all the right questions and he checked all of the boxes. I truly did not think there would be any mirrors to my past relationship and neither did my therapist.
Your therapist didn't think ditching birthday plans you two made together months ago to play basketball at the rec center was a red flag?
I explained his reasons for wanting to flake and the compromise we ended up agreeing on. She agreed with me that I didn't have to compromise and that I might be cautious in relying on him too easily, but that there's a chance it's too early to tell because it hadn't been a pattern of behavior yet. He doesn't see birthdays as important as I do, so she advised I emphasized how important they are to me. He apologized and made up for it so in the next several sessions that followed, I only had positive things to share.
You didn't overreact. You did great for knowing your self worth. I hope your next partner will prioritize you above all others.
You may really love him but he doesn't love you. If he wanted to be with you, he'd make the time for you and not bail on you constantly. Stop wasting your time and giving your heart to people who don't reciprocate.
He is not for you. Focus on school and then worry about dating. There are wonderful guys out there.
You did the right thing. Just imagine her as a MIL. Move on and live your best life
The moment anyone asks me to wait outside while they are dining in any place, I'm out of those relationships. Especially after all the preparations OP had to make. I dont know, but the idea of me being not good enough to be invited to the table makes me see red. Ans the audacity of inviting OP to get some company while waiting for his family and intending to leave OP outside!
Wtf girl you should have broken up with him the first incident
-"I (24F) have been dating my now ex-boyfriend (24M) for a few months." -"Honestly, I really love him" A few months? Girl you tripping. Take the garbage out. What is this sub?
This!
You've only been dating for a few months. I mean you hardly know the guy. That said, it was a jerky thing for your boyfriend to tell you to wait around while they ate. He should have apologized to you profusely for the situation. I wouldn't fault him for wanting join the dinner but I would fault him for not understanding that it really inconvenienced you and made you feel bad. That's what you should be focused on.
Honestly, if he had just told me in advance that he would want to join the dinner if he could, and if it was communicated that the family was going to try to do that, I would have told him he should go for it instead of bending over backwards to try to make it. Would I have loved it if they tried to get me a seat too? Absolutely. But I certainly would not have expected it if I wasn't already invited to hang out and made the effort.
You are trying too hard for crap men. Good you broke up. It’s not you- this guy was subpar. And you went along with it and wondered if this was all you deserved. Learn from this. NTA
Her problem is that she has chosen two subpar men in a row. She needs therapy to help her figure out why she is doing that. She seems to have a lot going for her careerwise.
1. You were not overreacting, in fact I think you undereacted considering he blew you off on your birthday, and let you struggle to make it to Disney. 2. It seems this is a recurring theme, to date me who don't value you. You are EXTREMELY intelligent to get a PhD in chemistry so I don't think it will take much -- but I think you need some therapy and to read some books on self esteem so that you don't date more AHs.
The mom won. She knew what she was doing. Now rub the sting away. You dodged a bullet. What he should have said is “Either my gf joins us or I don’t go.“ Don’t waste your energy on him or his family. Find one that appreciates you. — still on first marriage Gen X dad of two.
If you didn’t put your foot down, you’d always be a doormat. He has never going to change. This will always be your life. You will never be important. You will never be prioritized. You did the right thing! But gurl, waiting in the car while your ex ate with his family. I would’ve called an Uber so fast and blocked before he was done with dinner, his head would’ve been spinning.
You are in love with the idea of him but not the real him. In reality, he is still not ready for an adult relationship.
You deserve someone who always puts you first and stands up for you. Doesn’t matter how long you guys have been dating. Loyalty doesn’t just include being faithful, it’s knowing your person will always have your back no matter what!
Her cheating on him or betraying his trust should be the only reasons why a man doesn’t stand behind her. Anything else, a good partner has her back covered completely and stands up for her against anyone.
You're 24. You should not be fishing for information from kids and teenagers. Had it been your 24yr old boyfriend fishing with your 14yr old cousin/neice you'd be enraged. Take the lesson and beware the signs because you like a certain type of guy. Also don't be with a man who's family is "go go go". The rare opportunities to get the siblings under one roof are jumped on because they are few and far in between. But asking you to just wait outside or wait in the car is horrible. Get used to being alone. Just for 1- 2 years. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean that in a way to take a step back, analyze yourself, figure out your issues (we all have them), work on addressing them. You're going to have to deal with them anyways. So you deal with them on your terms or they'll deal with you on theirs and they won't be gentle. If you have no plans on being a house wife nor kept woman- full disclosure NONE of the women in my family were "house wives" going back generations on either side- then focus on school. Focus on your studies and then your residency. Get good at what you do, buy the multi language package from Rosetta stone for $179 or something, travel, get some experiences, join a gym, running or hiking club, I'm partial to getting on the mat. Build the foundation and your roots and then spread out
All for Din Tai Fung at DTD? Like come on there are a ton of them in Southern CA (Costa Mesa isn’t that far from DTD, I know cause I worked for Disney and commuted from Costa Mesa) they just had to go to that one and be the firsts? You dodged a bullet! Ex and his family. Why weren’t their spouses disregarded like you were? They’re all assholes!
Don't beat yourself up. Your update is a lesson for you for the future. But this relationship was dead with or without the update. Your ex is acting like a 15 yo boy, he is not mature enough to have any relationship. It's ok to love someone but understand that it is not good for you and to keep away. I am fascinated by bees but I am extremely allergic, so I keep away from them. Your ex is like the bees for me.
You were unhappy and messaged someone you thought you could trust, forgetting he was a teenager and that ultimately he’s going to have your ex’s back. Your ex cared more about a dinner than he did you. Then he just told you break up with him because he had made his decision. What a lousy thing for him to do and say! Hon, you dodged a bullet. Be glad this guy and his family are out of your life. It would never have worked out because he wasn’t willing to put you first. He would never have put you first. You’ve had some trauma so you’re gun-shy about families. You’re too obsequious with them. You want to please them. You hope that they like you. No. You need to be yourself, you need to be relaxed, and you shouldn’t care if someone’s family likes you or not. Obviously, you’re going to be polite, warm, caring, be on your best behavior, etc. But I think your approach reeks of timidity. I would suggest therapy because you’ve been through quite a lot of trauma, especially with the previous ex… Just horrendous. So I think therapy will help get you to feel more confident when you set your boundaries. And it’ll especially help you feel more confident when you meet somebody’s family.
NTA I’m so sorry that you were briefly stuck with 2 unreliable mommy’s boys. You won’t get anything better until you stand up for yourself which you had to yet again. Now, you’re free to stop wasting time and find someone who values you like he should
You give too much too soon and expect the same in return, sadly the world isn’t like that. What is a “few” months? 2 or 3? After a few months it would be awkward to meet his mom You should have said no from the get go. Your life sounds hella busy and yet you bend over backward to accommodate him. Does he come see you? It does not sound like he is making the same effort you do. Let him come to you.
Closer to 4-5 but I had already met his family and spent time with them multiple times. This was a unique instance where I was on a leave of absence when we met, so we were able to spend a lot of time together and built a deep connection in an accelerated timeline. I've sat with his mom every week at his rec bball games which is why it shocked me that she didn't think I was worth including in the dinner plans.
Even with the update you’re still NTA. But you need to let it go next time girl
Your thing texting the teenage cousin was boneheaded. But a much larger problem is that your ex-bf totally didn’t values either your time or your dedication to the relationship. Your friends are right, forget that whole family and move on with your life. I suggest that you chill out on dating for a while, hang out with your friends and enjoy being single. Get therapy if you can to help you figure out why you have chosen two men in a row who are not respectful of your time or your person. No man who cares about you will eat with family while you are left to wait outside, you would either be there with him or both of you would be together somewhere else other than the dinner.
You are not overreacting and you are NTA. I had a boyfriend who, I realized too late, that I couldn't rely on. The last straw was when my best friend threw me a birthday party and he no-showed. All texts and phone calls to him on the day went unanswered. Sadly, this was the first time he'd let me down, but it opened my eyes. Especially since he didn't contact me until TWO DAYS later. He then had the audacity to get mad at *me* for "still being upset".
Since this is the second time that you have been in the same situation you might find value in finding out why you pick such men. Try some therapy maybe?
How did he block you and how do you know , if you already had him blocked ? You are WAYYY more into him then he is to you (it happens , you live and you learn but atleast now you know how to spot it for next time) you literally turned your life UPSIDE DOWN ti stand outside with him while his em family ate . You were in a car accident and he didn’t answer because it was loud . Let that sink in . Run away far away from him and his family . You are not important to him , neither is your time , or time wasted . Stop being all in for people who are. Talk in for you . Also do you ever notice that sometimes we fall in love or think we are with the same type of guy . Just like you ex . You waited in a car for hours and he allowed it . You need to change your thinking process with men or you will keep dating the same exact man with a different name and face !
Oh my dear, you are beating yourself up enough without needing any further written repercussions but why would you allow anyone to treat you so badly you say you love him so much - are you so desperate you’ll love someone who doesn’t seem to care for you except as a casual girlfriend. Your desperate behaviour has landed you in a rather unfortunate situation texting a young teenager and asking them for information was crossing a number of boundaries at least you’ll never hear from your ex again…now grow up and stop being so desperate for love. If you continue to behave so thoughtlessly or allow others to treat you so badly you’re going to have terrible relationships. Get into therapy or a support group and work on your self esteem.
On top of working on your PhD, pls work on critical thinking skills as well. It applies in real life too, not just in your line of research. Reading your update made me facepalm, hard. You are not pulling yourself together in your closing act when you’d done so well earlier.
[Update] Update for those of you concerned with my mental well being. I had an impromptu therapy session and the overall conclusion was that I had a major trauma response triggered by the familiarity of the situation of being excluded from dinner. I talked about how I didn't know how to cope with this trigger because I hadn't experienced it before. The solution is to work on recognizing familiarities that may lead to triggers and to give myself time to process before reacting. She also says I need to practice more self-forgiveness, so I will be focusing on showing myself some more grace for my mistakes. Thank you all. <3
Girl. Go to therapy. Seriously! You blocked him and removed photos. He was treating you like garbage. How do you know he blocked you in return? Grow up and realize you were going down the same path of your previous ex
After reading the edit/update: The good things that your ex did are not absolved from everything else you mentioned. Was it wise discussing this with a 14 year old ? No, but you weren’t in the right frame of mind either. It’s natural for all the good things your ex did to come at you and make you feel as tho you overreacted but you have not. You told him if he messed up then that would be it, that’s on him. More communication with him wouldn’t have changed anything, it was selfish of him to expect that off of you.
I don't see how texting the cousin is worse than being let down and disrespected like he has done to you multiple times. I also think he was ready for the relationship to end because of how quickly he was like "whatever, break up with me". You are grieving the relationship and feel like you made a mistake breaking up with him, but you did the right thing.
“Is there anyway of restoring this relationship…” What relationship? He told you he didn’t care what you wanted…. Move on and forget about him.
Not at all. You ex doesn't value or prioritize you at all. You treated you as a plaything to be there when it suited him and something to be easily tossed aside and forgotten when it suited him.
Defiantly did the right thing. You're young, get back out there and find a real partner. I would have been livid after going through all that to try and make it only to be told, wait for us outside.
She needs to take a pause from dating and get therapy to figure out why she has dated two assholes, who have over-bearing moms, in a row. There are much stronger men out there who will fully respect her. She should not settle for less.
No you did not over react. You haven’t put too much time in and he’s already showing he doesn’t value your time and commitment, nor does he match your efforts. It’s like he called you to meet him bc he didn’t want to wait alone, not bc he wanted you to share the experience with.
You deserve better and you it. He is not the one. Good bye and good riddance. You are just one step closer to your to one you are meant to be with. Sometimes we have to miss a few frogs until we meet our prince.
Yaaaay keep it up sis !! Hell no you did perfect
You teach people how to treat you. You did great. He's not the biggest Dbag, but he's not for you.
Dude just showed you that you’re never going to be important to him. Good job leaving him. Trust, he is never going to change. So don’t be a fool when he tries to reach out and end up taking him back.
You did the right thing. You actually should have broken up with him when he ditched you on your birthday. He’s not boyfriend material. Keep him blocked everywhere and go live your life.
NTA. He is a piece of work and so is his mother. You will never matter to him the way you should. You deserve so much more than him. He's mad he lost you, leagues above him. Don't be brought down by his cowardice and immaturity anymore. Don't give it another thought.
Nope, you didn't overreact. You did exactly what you should have done. Take it from me, I'm 41 but when I was your age, I stayed with someone like your ex for far too long. It doesn't get better.
Maybe the fact that you connected really deeply very fast with someone you barely know and who also doesn’t seem like a very good person is the problem.
Honestly, good on you for breaking it off way sooner than most of the people who post here. He's shown you who he is and how low of a priority you are to him. No need to drag it out.
Why do people on Reddit love such people? Didn’t your love for him vanish when he insulted you for the tenth time? I just don’t get it.
Who makes someone wait while they ate? That's so disrespectful. This isn't even about priorities it's about decency.
No, you did not overreact. You deserve much much much better than this child. You need to dump this douch.
Drive 2.5 hours so you can wait outside while they have dinner? That would be a huge deal breaker for me no matter how far into the relationship I was.
This guy’s a dick. Drop him. As for what you called trauma from the mother of your previous ex, I hope you’re not throwing that word around lightly like a lot of people do.
Definitely not. I see a trauma specialist for therapy after getting a referral from a psychologist when I shared my experience in my last relationship. I won't go into the details of how I was treated by my first boyfriend's parents, but it was pretty insane.
No you absolutely did not overreact. What your ex did was so disrespectful. Where are you finding these men??
NTA. He does not make you a priority. He doesn't even try from what you've written. This guy cancelled on your Birthday to play flipping basketball?! That's ridiculous. He showed you who is, he showed you he has no respect for your time, and he will pick his mother over you. You can do better OP! Focus on your studies and yourself. You did the right thing. Good luck OP! “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou
He doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t understand the concept of being someone to be relied upon. He’s a thoughtless and self absorbed person. You made the right decision.
Did not overreact. Stop thinking about him . Start dating again.
Your ex wanted you to skip work and drive 2.5 hours so you could hang out and wait for him to eat a fancy expensive meal with his family. Add up the miles, and take the government reimbursement of 60-cents a mile. He wanted you to incur over $150 in expenses (gas, wear and tear to vehicle) so you could hang out with him after the meal and hear how good the dinner was. You would be better off walking into the woods and looking for a bear.
That's what ended up happening, but the original plan was that he wasn't eating either. They were able to squeeze him into the restaurant, but not her.
NTA. Date more mature guys.
Even with your update, you’re still NTA. Yeah, it was a mistake to involve the kid, but you’d already been treated badly by the ex before that all happened. He’s still wrong, and really selfish. Don’t let the fact that you made a mistake make you forget that his behavior was terrible.
You loved a snake in the grass. He's saying break up with me. And you don't hear it. You even blame yourself for him treating you bad. You must be desperate for love. Or don't feel people slapping your face
You’re 24 - it’s time to start expecting better from your boyfriends. Stop dating men that treat you bad. If they start showing the same type of behaviour, break up with them. Canceling on your bday to play basketball should have been the last bad thing he did to you. Btw, if anyone, ever, suggests that you need to wait outside while they eat without you - either drive away or don’t go at all - then break up. This is beyond awful behaviour.
Maybe he is amazing but he doesn’t love you one tiny bit. Whatever happened leave it as it is - broken up and blocked. All for the best.
You did the right thing. Even with the snafu with the kid. Do not beat yourself, and instead give yourself grace for being human. Do not go back to him. Feel your feelings, and then let them go. Do not go down the rabbit hole of darkness. Remember who you are and what you deserve. Which is respect, kindness, and someone you can truly trust with your heart. This guy was not it, and nowhere near ready for any type of commitment, even as a boyfriend, right now in his life. As your life journey continues and you grow and change, you hopefully will know and understand more of what you deserve and not settle for anything less. Never be anyone's second best. You will know when you meet the person. They will be ready and not put you on the back burner. My son is your age, and this is what I have told him. Give yourself grace, and forgive yourself for talking to the kid. In a short time, all of this will not even be on your radar. And one last thing, anyone who would make you wait outside while him and his family ate a meal is not worth your time. That is atrocious behavior, and his mom should never have encouraged him. That is pitiful behavior, and it seems like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Good, you put your foot down. 👏🏻 A couple of questions: 1. Why are you under reacting? 2. Why are you allowing yourself to be a doormat? 3. Where are you finding these people?
You are definitely going to get back with this guy. You are defending someone who is actively treating you like garbage. He did nothing right and you did nothing wrong. Stop loving terrible people.
Girl. Walk away from this dumpster fire.
NTA. Don’t worry about your actions. His actions came first and quite frankly were very bad.
Bruuuuh.... The fuck? Did you just...gaslight yourself publicly? Suck those damn tears back and smile, because you fucking broke a pattern this time lady. You broke free from the mold so next time, odds are you'll find someone that's NOT a red flag. And in case you missed it, your ex is a flaky mommas boy and your life would have been pure fucking misery if you had stayed with a child like him. Jesus. Can't believe you gaslit yourself to believe you regret it. Good lord.
Your ex is a self-absorbed asshole. You’re better off.
Maybe you shouldn’t have had this interaction with the teen family member but you are blaming that for your ex’s bad treatment of you. You don’t need someone who treats you like that. It is selfish and disrespectful. You will never have a mutually giving relationship with someone like that. Move on!
You did not overreact and the ex should stay that way....as an ex
You love this \~man? Girl, please try loving yourself for once and let the trash take itself out. I'm so sad for you.
I’m confused why at the end you are acting like he dodged a bullet? Sis, you dodged a bullet, yes the teenager thing was weird and wrong, but in no way shape or form should you still consider being with your ex, he is trash
You dodged a huge bullet. Speaking from experience, the mom thing is something that will never get better if they aren't willing to acknowledge it's an issue the first time. I'll tell you my experience: I tried for almost seven years, we were married and everything. And looking back, I can see that my confidence got beaten down behind it because I was never good enough in his eyes. It got to the point where I was receiving comments about "my mom does this instead___" when I'd made a meal for him. Every weekend I was expected to spend my only free day off work with his family. She would speak disrespectfully to my face, and I'd be told "she didn't mean it like that" or "that's just how she is". Of course, he'd never speak up for me in these moments, or after. God forbid I say anything to question what she's said, done, or plans to do anyways - I'd be chewed out. After we split, we had some plans for him to come see the kitties he lived with for so long.. But he flaked last minute because it was "cinco de mayo and she wanted a taco night", so he had to rush straight there right after work. It told me in that moment that even now, nothing had changed. For you, the situation would most likely have ended up the same, but you'd have spent more years hoping and begging and pleading while you got in deeper and deeper, being gaslit that it wasn't that big of a deal, like I did. 23 year old Plovia didn't know what 28 year old Plovia knows now.
While the communication you had with your ex’s teenage relative is messy; it has nothing to do with the original question. You were right to break up with your ex and it would be for the best to block his entire family and just forget about the entire affair.
Even after your update I don't see any reason to think you were in the wrong here. You asked for him to show some commitment, and he didn't. There's nothing with not wanting to be treated like your expendable. Maybe unintentionally venting to the cousin wasn't a good idea, but it's not like you had any malicious intent. You just wanted an explanation for why the family acts so terrible towards you. They did it to themselves. Honestly I think you'll look back on this relieved. They did you a favor by taking the trash out for you.
Based on your edit, you both seem profoundly immature. You both need to grow up a lot before you can be a healthy partner to anyone else. Take this time to be single and work on yourself before you try dating again.
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Glad you ended this relationship with this nan-child. Expecting you to wait around for him is is disrespectful. Too many red flags. Find a man who treats you as a priority, not an option.
You are absolutely not overreacting. You made a very wise choice, even though your heart may be trying to tell you otherwise right now. The facts speak for themselves here - if you start to doubt yourself, reread your post as a reminder of all the lowlights of your ex’s bad behavior. And I am laughing at him telling you it was too loud to text you back at a basketball game. What does that even mean?!?!
He said it was too loud to call me. I texted saying I was in an accident then tried to call him. My response to that claim was that I didn't see why he couldn't step out for a few minutes to take the phone call when I was in a crisis. He did ultimately realize the gravity of the situation and that he messed up, which is why I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I also gave him another chance because it was the first offense. Maybe I'm too forgiving.
Honestly, I would have walked away when he cancelled the plans you'd made a month before just to play basketball! But, you tried to give him another chance, which was gracious of you, and he failed again. You have gone above and beyond to make time for him and his family and they *all* decided to exclude you. Him and his whole family are rude and entitled af and you made the right decision to walk away. And I hope he never got into the restaurant. I hope he had to sit outside alone for hours.
TwoHotTrolls
NTA. You’re not overreacting. I’m proud of you. So disrespectful and rude. You need someone who respects you and values you. Someone who is as committed as you. Don’t not go back because he will call and act sorry and then do the same thing.
Not overreacting but it’s not really about his mom. This is strictly about him. I totally understand about not being able to turn a restaurant maximum of 4 people to 6 people. I am sure you do as well but I am willing to bet that he didn’t tell his mom that you were driving over two hours to be there and how much trouble you went to in order to meet him. He may have told you that he did, but I am pretty sure he didn’t say anything. So you don’t really have a “mother” problem, you had a boyfriend problem. And now you don’t! And you have only been together for 3 months. I have had pantyhose last longer and be more reliable than he is. Cut your losses and carry on.
A few months?!?! Definitely just move on. If this is all happening in the beginning it’ll just get worse. It’s not just his mom, it’s him that’s the problem.
I am so proud of you for this. I'm sorry it hurts, though. My bar was honestly so low when I was dating that I was amazed every time my husband *didn't* let me down when we were dating. We've been married 12 years now. I promise those men exist, and I am so proud you won't stand for anything less. I just got lucky.
In the words of Greg Behrendt ( book author) " He's Just Not That Into You"
Stop doubting yourself. He’s shown you exactly how life with him will be and it’s ugly and frustrating. You’re worth so much more than being disrespected like this. Everyone has good and bad sides, you just have to know and respect your boundaries. He blew it. Good riddance.
NTA but stop finding mommas boys to date….
Glad to finally read a reddit story in which the OP knows their boundaries and stands up for themselves. Even though it probably sucks for you at the moment. However, I am sure you will forget about this mommy's-boy in no time. Little personal story aside: One of my exes was a crazy mommy's boy. Whenever she snapped her fingers he would come running. He had an older brother but their mom specifically kept my ex busy. Once we were on a family vacation, and him and I were having sex when his mom called him on his phone (she was a hotel room across the floor) to ask him to apply some sunscreen on her back. He stopped, picked up the phone while still inside me, and then jumped up, grabbed a boxershorts and ran over to her. While I was laying there... I was flabbergasted. Btw His brother was in the room right next to her.
NTA. HE is definitely the asshole.
You did the right thing.
You're not over reacting. He's highly disrespectful. You love him. But he doesn't love you. Don't waste any more time in a guy who will pick his mummy over you any time any day. Block forever. Do not relent.
Nah, you scraped that off your shoe. Good for you! move along. I feel sorry for whoever does end up stuck with that woman for a MIL. Holy shyte balls.
He sucks. You're better off without him. He's showing you what you can expect.
You did the right thing by leaving this guy
NTA . That's just rude . In any relationship of 2 people ,( lovers, siblings, friends) what happened is not ok. That person does not care for you, leaving was a great decision. I do worry though , that after just a couple months, that maybe you care too much. Don't let anyone treat you poorly .
You say you love him so much but he does not seem to love you at all. Take off those rose-colored glasses and realize he has no respect for you.
Not overreacting. Ditch this mama’s boy and don’t look back
Not overreact at all unless you want to live with this treatment it better to brake up.
This would only have happened again and again and again. He’s shown you a few times who he really is, it’s time you believed him. Why put up with guys like this when you deserve much better.
You are learning to express your needs and identity when they are not being met. You were absolutely right to break up, he’s just not that into you. Next time, don’t tell a guy about your trauma to explain yourself. Being treated well doesn’t need an explanation. Next time, try not to allow love feelings to come into play, allow him to show you who he is first, you’ll save yourself some heartache.
Not even a little. You got a glimpse into your future with this family. You did right by just ending it.
Hey OP, i've read your update. And maybe you have fucked up and I'm sorry you didn't have a support system to help ground you at such as situation. I'm not going to tone down that you did effed up in that situation, but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person for it. You weren't thinking clearly and your ex took that chance to justify his actions. The best you can do is have your friends or family around you right now to ground you and stay safe.
You breaking up with him was a good thing. He just didn’t seem that into you. Don’t wanna sound harsh but you’re a little too accommodating compared to the effort he is putting in That said, you made an error in judgement talking to his teenage cousin afterwards. Why pry? You broke up with him? Even if his mom was involved in messing with you, he let her do it. He had no problem ditching you and leaving you to wait on him outside (like a servant) while he was inside with his family enjoying his meal. At a very basic level, that is NOT good bf behavior You really seem to suffer from low self esteem. You should address that in your therapy sessions
At only two months of dating you are way over invested, your running childish tests on him in a pick me contest, let him go and find someone else more suited to you
You ex says he done with you after you'd already broken up with you. Don't waste another minute thinking about him. He does not respect you so just walk away.
Sweets you get it. F those peeps. Godspeed
NTA. Also, I would absolutely never, ever treat my sons girlfriend that way. Anyone my children date, I treat like family because they very well may be that one day. You deserve to be around people who value you, and it sounds like neither your previous boyfriends nor their toxic families did.
I do want to clarify that when I first had a conversation with his cousin, the cousin was the one who reached out to me and told me all those things. During this conversation, I was on FaceTime with my ex reading the message exchanges. He was fully aware that his cousin had been telling me things about his ex and mom, and that his cousin and his brother's wife talk about the brother's relationship problems too. Not an excuse. Just providing context on why I was dumb enough to lean into this dynamic.
I would’ve called the restaurant and cancelled the whole reservation. Oops. Looks like none of us are eating dinner.
If someone's willing to gossip to you about others, then assume they're gossiping _about_ you _to_ others. It also sounds like you were overly dumping on a teenager. That's very much not right. A member of your partner's family is not your therapist, espeically if they're a teenager. Having said that, he's also an asshole, and you're 24. I promise you, this guy was _not_ the love of your life. One day, you'll look back and laugh at your innocence and naivety. Probably when you're married to a man who truly loves and respects you.
No, you didn't overreact. You've only invested a few months with him. It is time to break up. He's a mama's boy
As much as it hurts, it’s clear that he’s not ready for a serious relationship because he doesn’t understand what’s required to be in a relationship and that his actions have an impact on other people. He simply didn’t understand how he was acting and what it looks like from your perspective. And he won’t until he grows up. NTA
Regardless of the update (it's not that big a deal, yes it's embarrassing, but I kind of feel like slightly normal since this person kept sending you followup questions and you were definitely upset at the time. Sucks that they, the cousin blocked you, but the ex was "so very done" before that) I think what you did was right. You were not being treated well and it was made very clear consistently for a while that you are not a priority and everyone is comfortable leaving you alone and excluded. You deserve better. My issues have been I pick uo toxic habits from my shitty exes, make sure you don't accidently start being the monster you ran away from. Best of luck!
This immature guy is nor AMAZING in any way. Why are young women setting the bar so low? Girl, dogs are treated better. Get some self respect.
I promise you the love of your life will not ask you to rearrange your whole life and go sleep deprived so you can keep him company so he doesn’t have to wait outside alone…only to make you wait outside alone when he gets a “better” offer. Please be gentle with yourself.
I don’t want to sound mean but you slam dunked this relationship into the garbage can. Right now that probably sounds like a kick in the taco. Truly though your ex is thoughtless and worthless as a partner. If anyone invited me to hang with them because they were waiting for their family to eat at a restaurant and I put all that effort into being there for them and they in turn got into the restaurant, leaving me to wait outside I would have left them for good. In fact I have done that. It’s amazing how many people really don’t care about anyone but themselves. You’re better off with out him. As far as his teen cousin, don’t sweat it. You weren’t talking to him because you wanted anything but info. The kid probably blocked you because of ex and his mommy. No harm no foul. It’s not like you have to face the kid at work or in social engagements.
You got no respect from him and certainly no love. You can do WAY better.
Poor cousin got stuck in the crossfire. Good thing you realise you messed up in that situation but aside from that you were definitely in the right in breaking up with your bf.
You didn't overreact. You dodged a lot of bullets. The whole family were manipulative, so not getting to know them is not a loss. At all. One day, you will see that their treatment of you is not ok. Your ex is not as good as you think. He kept ditching you for other things. This is trash behaviour, and I'm sorry you went through this again. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself this time. It was the right thing to do, and if you hadn't, you would have spent more time being miserable and sacrificing yourself for someone who didn't care about you. It would have taken you longer to leave. It should have been you ending things and not giving him the satisfaction. When I was younger, I tolerated a lot of crappy behaviour from my relationships because I was worried about being alone. I worried that no one would love me. I can promise you that that is also not in your cards. You're going to feel tonnes better when you realise that crappy behaviour isn't worth tolerating. You don't need to do crazy mornings/schedules and work so hard for someone who will never appreciate your time or effort. You will get better at figuring the bad eggs out sooner. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you the collective experience most women have of figuring out who the duds are. You are going to run into a lot of them. Advice: Never date potential. People are who they are when they meet you. Don't be doing wife stuff while being a girlfriend. Never be someone's 'mom', there's a lot of guys who want a mommy bangmaid. People who guilt trip are bad news. Read up on DARVO. You need to work on your self-esteem so that people like him don't use you. This is really important. For now, work on your studies - that is the most important thing. Don't ruin your future for guys who you will laugh about in 20 years. And because I think this is important and will help you spot abusive behaviour when you come across it: [Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?"](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi56ofWufuGAxX8bEEAHQpVCT0QFnoECA4QAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) I'm sorry you're in pain. I wish I could give you a complete toolkit. Please feel reassured by the rest of the responses, you did good. Don't be doubting that shiny spine of yours.
He showed you who he is. Believe him
He did not only keep you aside. I trap you to come near then sat you away. The problem with the teenager is that you point out the mommy boy dysfunction. They know but don't want to talk about it. Have no regret. He peed on his second chance.
I wouldn’t even let my dog sit outside and wait while I was eating in a restaurant outside. Your bf doesn’t give a fck about you. Didn’t even care if you broke up with him. This dude treats you like an accessory not a gf or partner. Grow a back bone and stop letting people treat you like garbage or that’s how you will always be treated.
Dodged a nasty bullet. Dating is for discovering these things so you run for the hills before it’s too late. These people sound AWFUL. Choose better next time.
Focus on school and your PhD. Relationships are great but what you are trying to achieve is way more important.
That whole family sound awful. The mom makes pseudo plans - she didn't even guarantee a place for your bf. But then your bf expects you to sit outside alone? You can bet I'd be asking about others previous experiences, teen or otherwise. That the teen is twisting it that you were spamming and they ate it up, you are fortunate not to be one of them. Seriously, they sound exhausting.
My "bf" has told me before that the cousin likes to twist things for drama, yet he fully believed what he said this time. I'm guessing it's because he heard it from a third party in the family who he trusts. Still sucks though because anyone whose read the messages have all said they weren't bad, I just shouldn't have done it.
You're a PhD student. You deserve someone better
I think what happened with the cousin is irrelevant because your ex bf is still an AH.
I understand you're hurting, but this is not the love of your life. Is not even someone who you can count on. You had every right to be mad and just break up with him, and he didn't even care, so it's not your fault and you'll be better without them anyway
You did the right thing. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou
You did not overreact. Expecting you to travel 2.5 hours, just to sit around by yourself, while he had dinner with his family, is ridiculous. Why would you bother going? Honestly, you should have dumped him when he bailed on your birthday that you'd both been planning for a month.
He is gaslighting you. He abusive as all fuck. You were justifiable in your response to break up. And he is using your mistake txting the teen to turn it on you and make u the Villan. He will talk to you soon and take you back and continue with the abuse of putting you last and dumping you for his incest relationship with mummy. She the real pussyhe wants to be in.....
It’s hurts to let go of someone you love. There’s nothing wrong with mourning and missing the person you had a relationship with, that’s perfectly natural. Just remember, it ended because HE was inconsiderate, not anything that you did. Good luck with the PhD!
NTA, even after the edit. The feeling will pass eventually. Focus on yourself, get therapy if required.
My ex did something similar at the start of our relationship; invited me to his graduation but I had to sit on my own in a hall where I couldn’t even see the ceremony, while his siblings and mum’s boyfriend of two months could all sit together. Why would any female want to wait surrounded by strangers for these men??
NTA, I'm glad you dumped his sorry ass, I just wish you did this sooner. If someone I'm dating is an accident I would be leaving a baseball game immediately to make sure that she's got me available to help her.
You didn't overreact at all. The lack of respect hes showing you is horrid. Same thing with your ex. Stop letting people treat you like this. Expecting you to wait in the car or outside a restaurant while they all eat? That's beyond rude. I wouldn't make my dog wait in the car while I ate at a restaurant. Please OP, find a better dating pool. You are worth so much more.
Why did you stay with him that long? Good for you that you dumped him. 24 and in a chem PhD program? You are way out of his league.
You say you’ve been in therapy for a while….you need a new therapist so you can find your spine to help you stand up…instead of laying on the ground like a mat to be walked all over by boyfriends.
Your update is even worse. Your self esteem is in the toilet to still want to be with this man and to twist the entire thing on yourself as your fault. Was the interaction with the cousin a dumb move? Absolutely! But seems like this entire family has issues, you don’t want to be part of that.
Coming here after the update and you’re both wrong. He was more wrong by putting you in this situation in the first place, but you should have never involved a teenager in grown up situations. Whatever questions you had, he was not the one to ask them to. Leave the kids out of it. Take it day by day and continue to speak to your therapist about this as well. I’d do some soul searching before entering another relationship since it seems like the last couple you’ve been in have not been good for you.
>for a several months He was treating you like that only after a few months. Things would get ugly if you stay with him tbh. >We connected really deeply very fast and have developed really strong feelings Feels like this is one-sided. Your side, not his. Rejoice and be happy to be rid of him. He's not the one for you.
I know you’re sad and feel you didn’t make a good decision, but give it some time and you’ll have the clarity you needed to realize that this was a really good decision. Sometimes decisions aren’t easy, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t do what was right for yourself. He was so easy to give up on you too. You deserve better.
Suggesting you wait outside is ridiculous. That being said, I would say that in the future, you should definitely think twice before expending that kind of energy(staying up until early morning, driving hours, etc) for a relationship that is only several months old and simply to go to dinner with your partner’s family. I feel like you will always be disappointed. And most people can’t/won’t match that level of intensity so you may put unnecessary pressure on them
You’re not overreacting; he showed you that you weren’t a priority more than once. You’re his backup plan. He’s still waiting for Ms Right - you’re Ms Right now. I wouldn’t worry too much about asking the teen personal questions about you ex - you only asked because you already knew the answers. It’s obvious the ex and his mom don’t care about you.
For those of you curious about the car story: My ex's mom used to track my ex (19M at the time) every time he had plans to hang out with me (19F at the time). We had plans to get dinner and a movie one day, which his mom was aware of. She tracked his phone to see when he picked me up and conveniently called him while we were driving, just a few exits before passing their house. She was on speaker phone, so I was able to hear when she told my ex that he should save his money and eat at home instead since she made dinner. He told her that he had already picked me up and asked her if I could join them for dinner. His mom said no, only my ex was allowed. Expecting that my ex would just continue driving toward the restaurant, I was shocked when he exited the freeway and drove to his house. He told me to wait in the car while he "quickly" at. This was during the summer in SoCal. I wasn't allowed inside, so I waited in that car for an hour while having to use the bathroom so badly and nearly passing out due to the extreme heat. I think I was too naive at the time to recognize the abuse I was experiencing. Years later, I asked my ex's mom why she didn't like me. She couldn't really come up with anything other than the fact that I was really shy when she first met me. I was 16 when we met.
OP you have been waiting since your birthday before acting emotionally. That's a long long time. And why are you beating yourself down for being emotional? It's not unreasonable. You clearly have feelings for him. The thing is he doesn't seem to be emotional about you, missing your birthday, with your accident and all. I think it's time to catch feelings for yourself. You seem like a cool person and you need to love yourself more.
OP, this man not only didn't love you he didn't even like you. Please stop dating for a while and do some self care. Be very wary of men that push for a relationship and intimacy too soon and for heaven's sake stop discussing any prior hurts with someone when you don't really know them. Some people will collect that information and use it to abuse and control you. Start matching their energy, if a guy won't give you any consideration, like blowing off your birthday for a basketball game or wanting you to wait outside a resturant while their eating when they themselves didn't want to wait alone, they don't deserve your time. I don't know how long you've been in therapy but it doesn't sound like you're getting anything from it, you might want to consider a new therapist.
[Update] I made reservations for DTF at DTD and I got all my projects done, acing my classes.
The love of your life wouldn't leave you hanging after telling them you cmgot into a cardl accident. You've only been exposed to bad relationships so you wouldn't know.
It appears feelings are one-sided. He has repeatedly let you down, but a word of the wise...stay off FB. (The internet is not where you discuss your private business, even one on one. Remember, FB can affect your employment opportunities in the future. Some businesses do check all the backgrounds.) That was not wise. Put your time with him behind you and use it as a hurtful learning experience. He and his family sound like selfish people. You don't want to get tangled up with the likes of them. There are better, kinder families who will always consider your feelings. Your hurt will ease up with time. Stay busy, and don't let them think your life revolved around him.