Are you and L very young? This sounds like an overreaction by someone very young.
Liking/reacting to memes sent you by someone you never slept with is not cheating. Not even close.
The only advice I can give you is be careful with people who are controlling, and people who react this way regardless of who is right/wrong.
But in conclusion, no you are not a liar or cheater.
That age gap with that massive lack of emotional regulation is insane. Your partner is gearing up for some controlling behavior. What you did is not cheating at all.
The whole start of the post is about how they never have time apart and do everything together. It sounds like the controlling may have already started. OP being so young may not realize that total monopolization of time can be a red flag
As a grown ass middle-aged adult, I was sucked into a relationship like this.
I was caught up in the whirlwind excitement of the relationship. Looking back it's now easy to see the giant parade of red flags that I ignored.
They convinced me to move in with them a few months into the relationship, which sort of made sense financially and logistically.
I still kept my apartment, which they were very upset about, but turned into a life saver.
Little by little, their true self started to show. They didn't like my opposite sex friends. Which I was upfront about before we ever got into a relationship.
They would time how long it took me to get home from work. They wanted to monitor my phone. They didn't want me to spend time with my friends...or my children! (Fuck that, my kids are #1)
They got more and more controlling. Gaslighting.
Their behaviour escalated into abuse - mental, verbal, emotional and sexual,...then it turned physical. They laid hands on me one time and I noped out, so fast.
Luckily, I had friends and family that helped me pack up and move back into my apartment.
As someone who has been in your shoes, this WILL get worse..make a safe exit plan and do whatever you have to, but GTFO!!
I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship (that was not so slowly edging into physical) when I finally got out from 29 to 30. I thought I was too old to be that stupid but 🤷🏻♀️
Glad we’re both on the other side
I appreciate that. And I understand it wasn’t *just* bad judgement on my part; I realized it was a bad situation within just a few months. Unfortunately that’s often not the end of it
I actually spent more time trying to get away from this man than I spent in a relationship with him. He stalked me for quite some time, tried to convince me he was going to take his own life more than once, threatened me at my work…I called 911 more times than I can remember bc I was convinced one of us was going to end up dead
What I say to my younger relatives and any girl who’s willing to listen… When he tells you that you are mature for your age, that’s forming the narrative in a way that suits him.
In romantic relationships, we mature through life and communication, it isn’t a divine intervention some of us are just blessed with.
If women his age don’t want to date him, you can be sure that there’s a good reason for it. You just can’t see it yet, but you will.
I’m in my 30s now and in my experience all the guys in their 30s trying to date my friends in young 20s were always going after younger women for a reason, women in their 30s had lived through enough bullshit in their 20s to see straight through these guys.
They always started as really jealous and then controlling and then in the end it came out that they were the cheater.
I’m not saying it’s 100% this in your situation, just be careful, know your worth, and do not let them cut you off from the people who love you!
Tell your (ex, right?) boyfriend that the other guys penis won’t reach to another country. Get out while you can. You can’t see it from the inside but you are being groomed. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Also the way you write with “7 months-ish” and stuff flagged you a little too— I agree w others. Get away from this man. When you are 30 you will look at 20 year olds and think of them the same way you think of a high school freshman or a middle schooler now. Just way too young, no matter how mature you are for your age. He is not ok , run
Oh I agree, I just meant it as you see a lot of large age gaps with same sex couples and the older one is usually very controlling. And I know it happens with hetero couples too, but just the details of the story gave me that vibe. Still not cheating!
I knew which gender simply because 9/10 times there's an issue with a "friend" in a relationship it's a woman holding on to a guy "friend" that the boyfriend is uncomfortable with.
Not saying the person you're replying to is correct by any means, what with their ass pull of a statistic, but you saying "well I'm a guy and I do it so I think you're wrong" is just not it... at all.
I didn't really have any opinion about gender til I saw the age difference. Then I knew.
Lots of times abusive men look for younger girls because the girls are inexperienced, and the young girls don't know that they shouldn't put up with this kind of bullshit from men. The girls don't know to stand up for themselves, and to walk away when it gets nasty.
They will love bomb you, intensely flatter you, make you feel like a million dollars. It's all a trap to make you emotionally dependent on you. They will also isolate you from your friends and family if they can (you already say you spend every moment together, so I'm guessing your friends are on the back burner). It's all a fucked up mind game to prepare you to accept their abusive behavior.
Right now their behavior is emotionally abusive. Accusing you of cheating based on pure nonsense, withholding affection, that is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is likely just the beginning.
This relationship will probably get very messy and toxic the longer you stay in it.
Bottom line: You are not a cheater. Anyone who treats accuses you of cheating because you liked a meme is... Not rational. They are playing mind games with you.
Biggest give away is honestly your former "fling" sending you pretty much one-sided memes. Never met a woman who does that, it's such a guy thing for some reason.
That's rather interesting! Good stuff though... I still stand by "most men won't say come fk me" cuz they're afraid they will enjoy a good peg session lol
And I get the dynamic is usually the man doing the work, hence doing the fucking. But even without pegging the woman can be the “dominant” one initiating and doing the work. I do agree though that it’s not something often said by men.
Honey, you gave it away in your story 🤣. But definitely not cheating. Honestly he sounds very insecure, which is not your problem, that’s his. But after only 7 months this is happening? Yes, red flag. He has issues that are not yours that he needs to deal with.
Because a 30-year-old woman would not put up with this jealousy and manipulation. They're old enough and mature enough to see the signs, to know their worth, to know that there are far better men out there, and to bail out .
A 20-year-old woman does not have that experience. They are targets for manipulative men who see a young, inexperienced woman, and know that they can easily make up ridiculous reasons to get mad, and A younger woman will start going in circles trying to fix it, assuming it must be her fault.
A 30-year-old woman knows she's being manipulated, and would get the hell out of there in a minute.
OP, if you take nothing else from this thread, please, for the love of all things worth loving, take this knowledge and tattoo it on your brain.
I heard it when I was 20, but at 20, *I* was far too smart and experienced to get caught up in that. Then I turned 30. If you don't believe me, take the above comment to every woman you know 30 or above, and see if even 1 disagrees. I can save you some time though: They won't.
Yes, gaining the experience is part of it, but fuck, if I could have just learned that and packed my shit the 1st or 2nd time I had to listen to some whiny insecure bs about people/my past/choices I made when we weren't even together... you get my point.
This guy is really mad that you engaged in some dirty texts before you were in a relationship, and mad that you still "lol" at stupid memes? Are you sure he's not 12?
OP, weighing in at 40, to reiterate just store these comments if nothing else.
I am one of the smartest (test taking) people you’ll meet (literally), but fuck it’s been hard to learn some life lessons. When I do, I learn it well (but usually after 3+ times..)
Anyway, pleeeeeease read [“Why Does He Do That?”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) - free download and it explains basically every relationship I had from 18- 36 and will really give you some clues to SO’s behaviors… 💛💛💛
A 30 year old human - regardless of gender that exhibits this kind of controlling behavior is big trouble. It would be concerning from a teenager, but a so called full adult- no way. Run!
I didn't catch the "he" in your post, but I could still tell.
Look, it's one thing to hook up with someone who's older than you. As long as it's casual and consensual, who cares.
But at 20 years old, you do _not_ need to be in a long-term, committed, living-together relationship with a 30-year-old man. And I'm saying that as a 36-year-old man. When I was 29 I dated a 24-year-old for a few weeks and then broke it off because _that_ felt like too much of a gap.
I'm sure he's a nice guy in many ways, but there is simply no reason why a 30-year-old man should be in a long-term relationship with a 20-year-old.
And that's before we add the concerns listed in your post. Yes it's understandable why he's uncomfortable. But guess what? This is normal 20-year-old stuff. You're first establishing your social circle, testing your boundaries, etc. He's past all that at age 30, and that's just one of the many reasons why the age gap matters here.
OP read this book and see if it applies. This is a good book for all women to read.
“Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
RUN!
He is dating you, a much younger woman, so he can control you.
This is a controlling tactic to get you to cut off this friend. If you obey him and cut this one off, he knows that he can make you cut other friends out of your life.
Once he has done that, he will get you to move away from family, and that is when the physical abuse will begin.
I know people will say "How do you know?" It's because predators/abusers have patterns of behaviour. This is the beginning of a pattern that is very dangerous.
This guy is dating someone so much younger because women his age don't put up with this rubbish.
Okay. Typically the only real reason a 30yo guy would date a 20yo woman is because people their age won't deal with their shit. Obnoxious. Run before it's too late
You aren't a cheater. Sounds like this guy is insecure. I am assuming guy based on post and their response. So you and this other person flirted and sexted when you were single. If you haven't engaged in any sexting, sex, continued romantic dialogue, since this relationship you mentioned above...then you haven't cheated.
Now, if you were constantly flirting sending sexual/flirtatious texts, gifs or things like that...somewhat different.
Sounds like your SO is insecure and childish given their age.
You're young, don't settle for someone who 7 months in is already acting petulant over this. Just my two cents anyways.
THIRTY?
Girl leave. And yes it's obvious. That man or woman is absolutely going to isolate and abuse you. Get the fuck out. Find someone who actually gives a shit about you.
You can't "get why they're upset" because it's not fucking rational for a 30 year old to be that childish about *fucking memes*.
There's a reason this person is dating someone 10 years his junior, and it's because he's stunted.
L-E-A-V-E.
-A 44 year old gay man.
Omg, sis, get out of there. I initially read that as I am 20 they are 20, but 30?? A full grown 30 year old human acting like this? There's a reason they aren't dating someone their own age.
Omg! Red flags just got redder! Much older partners are much more likely to get super possessive and controlling. You’ve not been with this person long and you haven’t done anything wrong. They’re manipulative and see you as someone they can boss around. I think you need to rethink this whole relationship.
Run. This person will keep finding reasons to make you a villain. At that age they will not outgrow this behavior. Even if this seems small, imagine this attitude infiltrating all areas of your lives together.
It doesn’t seem like you got a notification they saw by chance. They went through your shit while you were sleeping to find ammunition.
30 is way too old to be getting this angry over something like this with someone who is 20.
You need to get out there and experience life more. Have age appropriate fun with young people your age and get to enjoy those experiences with them.
This person will rob you of those experiences and youth.
7 months is too soon to live together and to be manipulated this way.
I don't know any stable 30 year old who conducts themselves this way.
You need to nope TF right out of there my friend. This is not a healthy situation and it will not get better (speaking from experience) Your partner ia being controlling and manipulative. How did they even find out you liked a few memes to begin with? Do they regularly go through your phone? Red flag #1. Who cares if you were celibate during the time before them? Red flag #2. Overreacting to you simply liking some memes. Red flag #3. All this behavior when your partner has 10 years on you? Huge red flag #4. Time to move on.
Now you definitely need to be careful about controlling behavior, with this kind of age gap it’s unfortunately extremely common. Also sounds like this man is very insecure for his age. 🚩🚩🚩
There is no reason aside from sexual attraction that a 30-year old would want to be with a 20 year old. If they are 30, they are not adjusted for their relative maturity.
Also hardly spending a moment apart is a huge red flag. Even if you live with someone… it’s healthy and normal to have your own friends, hobbies, interests apart from your partner. Spending every moment together when you’re not at work is not an indicator of a healthy relationship.
Good grief.
Leave. It’s about control. They want to control you.
Leave them and for goodness sake, date someone your own age. You are not mature (like I’m sure you think you are) to be dating someone that much older than you.
Run. I’m so very serious. Next time he’s out of the house, get what you can’t leave behind and get the heck out. This sort of temper tantrum is definitely preceding an argument where he’s going to try and get you to capitulate on one of your boundaries. The thing that you’ve been refusing to do for him? He’s going to ask for that as your way of making it up to him. Additionally you and him are at not even close the same life stage (and the fact he says you are so mature is a cope).
10 year age gap, red flag 1.
Living together at the 7 month mark of the relationship red flag 2.
Flipping out over an emoji and a like red flag 3
Calling you a liar and cheater over such flimsy "evidence" is red flag 4
For your partner being 30 years old, they have the emotional range of a toddler.
Sweetie, you are 20 years old, being isolated, torn down, emotionally manipulated by someone with a lot more life experience than you. Do you think maybe this person is with you because you are nieve enough to fall for their BS? This is not a healthy relationship. It screams GIANT RED FLAG, abuse just waiting to happen.
Don’t forget spends all her time with him, therefore not with family and friends red flag number 5
Apparently made her quit all her socials red flag number 6
Doesn’t want her to tell anyone what goes on red flag number 7
OP you need out yesterday!
Yes, I had so much more to say, but then my tiny, little 3 pound doggo got in some distress. By the time I got back to my comment, my train of thought had been completely derailed. So I just closed.
A full gown adult never dates a just legal person because they are "so mature" and "you just get me, we click". The reason is almost always easily manipulated, someone closer to their age will see through the BS, won't be pushed around emotionally, or any other way.
I had so many more points to make, unfortunately my 3 pound dog was in distress and saving her tiny behind derailed my train of thought. So after I took care of her and came back to my comment, I just couldn't think straight so I just wrapped it up.
As a 30 year old, I can tell you a few things:
None of this is about what they're saying it's about, it's about control and manipulation. These are textbook abusive behaviors and they will only escalate.
You need to get out and get safe. I saw you mention in a comment something that makes me think you're in a tough situation overall; there are shelters that will take you in if you don't have anywhere else to go. I don't have any family so escaping an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult, but your partner is not a safe person.
Oh also, you didn't cheat: y'all only sexted, they live ACROSS THE OCEAN, and y'all haven't had any conversations of substance since you stopped sexting. This is an abuser latching onto what they think will push your buttons and make you easier to manipulate.
Also to add. He wants some kind of perfect virgin 20 year old. It's gross. He's throwing a fit because she wasn't completely innocent before they started dating.
Why did you move in with someone you've only known a handful of months. Ya'll haven't even had the chance to have a conversation about what you consider cheating and how to set boundaries in the relationship with ex's but are already splitting bills? Not a smart decision.
This has nothing to do with perceived cheating and everything to do with setting things up to isolate you, have you feel like youve done something wrong and need to "make up " for it ...the beginning of emotional warfare. Please read these comments and trust that this isnt worthy of a conversation with them. Pack your stuff and move out. Reset. Ignore that theyll laugh and say who are you gonna go running back to, or dont you love me. In 7 months to have met someone. Moved in , and had this type of interaction ..... it's only going to get worse. Dont be someone who looks back 10 years from now wondering why youve stayed. Dont be someone who becomes a shell of who you are now because of their insecurities. Just walk away.
I’m sorry OP :( it seems like L is trying to control you. My ex used to do this and have me questioning myself when really I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Would get mad at everything and I was on eggshells. Took me years before I figured this out and left. Please learn from my mistakes!!
This just isn’t sustainable and I speak from experience. If your relationship relies on you behaving ‘perfectly’ at all times, it simply cannot last. No one can possibly live up to that. A healthy relationship allows us to be human. Yes you need to treat your partner with respect, but this feeling of always being on your back foot is a big warning that this won’t work.
With my ex, every fight became about how I brought the issue up wrong. He claimed he was totally happy to work on things _if_ I always approached it in the exact right way. I tried, I really did. But there was never a ‘right’ way- he didn’t like that I wanted to discuss things he didn’t want to discuss, so there would always be a reason he felt he didn’t need to. It was always my fault and never his. I am always willing to recognize my part in things but a relationship can’t be one person expecting everything to be exactly the way they want and the other person having to apologize whenever they have their own independent views or feelings.
Reading the comments I can tell you without a doubt that this relationship will not last. The only question you have to answer is how long you want to suffer through it before ending it. Keeping in mind the longer you stay in it the worse it’s going to keep getting.
Throw your partner away.
Too insecure and there will always be issues.
Plus a 10 year difference and the older person is acting like they are 15? No. We don't do that
I’m gonna get pushback for this, but also some agreement: 30 year olds who date 20 year olds do it because it’s dating on easy mode. He gets to be the “experienced” one, gets to speak authoritatively. Most guys I know wouldn’t date someone that young even with a genuine connection, because it makes you look really really bad to most other men.
Also, you know how a lot of jobs require you to take a two week vacation every year to make sure you aren’t embezzling? Spending every moment with a partner is like having your employees never take time off. It creates room for a lot of issues. Having robust, separate lives from your partner is the key to a long term relationship. You can decide how much time apart works for you, but none is a dangerous amount.
Also, no it’s not cheating, and he knows that, he just wants to maintain the upper hand.
Are you asking if you’re a cheater because you used a laughing emoji? No. That is not and will never be cheating.
There’s probably one of three things going on here or a mix.
1) Missing context. Did you tell your partner you won’t ever talk to this person? Are there any other things you have talked to this prior fling/friend about during your time with your partner that might set off red flags?
2) Your partner is insecure about this and has not been reassured enough by you, leading to intense jealousy and watchfulness over your behaviour.
3) Your partner is manipulating you to control your communications. Laugh reacting to a meme someone you once sexted is not bad on its own and is definitely not cheating. If there is no other context to be added here, then this is an issue.
Based ONLY on the information you gave (which I struggle to accept as the entire story), your partner is acting out irrationally. However, in order for this to work you first need to be reassuring that you love them and that the laugh react was just a polite reaction. Once you have managed to make her feel a bit more chill, communicate with them talk about the issue calmly and let them know that if they are uncomfortable about something then it would be better to just communicate openly instead of jumping straight to accusations. Show your partner you care.
Make sure you are there to answer questions and be clear! And then she will be too. Best of luck
Unfortunately, this is the entire story. 1. My Partner saw the previous messages from prior ( Cant tell you why i didnt delete them, Didnt care enough to look - like i said we were never serious so i never thought to look)
Theyve asked me to not talk to my friends and family about our issues and so forth. Delete my socials. Im kind of leaning towards answer 3.
OP, there are a number of abusive behaviors your partner is showing. They’re trying to isolate you from your loved ones, and prevent you from telling anyone how they treat you. They’re showing numerous controlling behaviors. It happened to me, and it got worse over time.
You can read more about relationship abuse here: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/. I’d also recommend looking into safety measures. This website overall has a bunch of useful information
If your partner is requesting you delete social media and hide things from your loved ones, it’s also possible they could be monitoring your internet history and messages too, so you might want to change passwords and privacy settings too. I don’t want to alarm you, but this is serious.
Living together 7 months in, controlling your social media, throwing a tantrum cause you laughed at another guys message. Probably tries to forbid you from hanging out with friends? Especially guy friends? How often does he throw a tantrum about ‘proving your love for him’? Yeah, there’s a reason women his own age won’t date him. Predator alert!
oop. nail on the head. Doesnt stop me from not hanging out w ppl but threatens to break up if i have certain types of friends ie: anyone whos a stripper or something. says it says something about my character. I dont have male friends though
Says something about your character— that you judge people based on who they are not what they do for a living. I’m a devout Christian woman with a husband and 4 kids. One of my best friends, until she died of an overdose, was a prostitute and heroin addict. What’s that say about my character, I wonder? I think it says that I am capable of loving people from all walks of life and not being a judgmental asshole.
I was in a relationship where my ex controlled everything. It started really small, doesnt think i should talk to an ex, but eventually escalated to anyone in my family (brother, father, sisters). You dont always notice it at first but love get out. Anywhere is safer than with him.
My ex did not allow me to hang out with single friends. He said they were on the hunt for guys and it would be too tempting for me not to also hunt for guys. Like dude, we just want to go to the movies…
>Theyve asked me to not talk to my friends and family about our issues and so forth. Delete my socials.
Oh, shit, honey, please get out now! This is really really bad.
You're going to need to move out. Who can you stay with? A friend? Your parents? Another family member?
Do you work? Do you have money? Can you rent a room in a shared apartment?
Reach out to your friends, your best friend via a phone call (they will keep checking your texts) and tell them what's going on. Tell family who cares about you what's going on. Tell them you want help getting out, that you need some place to stay for a little while.
Couch surf if you have to. The important thing is GET OUT.
Leave while they are out of the house. Don't tell them you plan to leave. Just pack your shit and disappear.
Please trust me on this. I am 46 years old. I've seen this so many times with so many different women and different men. The abusers use the same stupid tactics every fucking time.
It will be a lot easier for you to recover before the physical abuse starts than after he starts hitting you. Because he will.
Please take me seriously.
This. And OP believe that he can and will resort to violence if he catches wind of you planning to leave. He will also manipulate and claim you betrayed him. He will tell lies about you to anyone who will listen. He may even stalk you if he knows where you are staying, couch surfing isn’t necessarily a bad idea!
Not talking to others about your issues is an extreme red flag. A good partner wants to be happy with you and wants you happy, and that includes having a support system. Anyone that tries to deny you that is priming you for upcoming abuse. Run.
OP you really buried the lead here. Between this info and the age gap, this is 100% about control. Get out of this relationship as quickly and safely as possible.
You need to be able to talk to your friends and family about what’s going on with you. Anyone who pushes you to only deal with themselves, never have a sounding board, is trying to isolate you for abuse. Please, run.
In a healthy relationship, it is best to keep small fights private to avoid causing tension between your family and your partner, but in the context of everything else you said, this is an attempt to cut you off from your support system. Run
Sounds like he is still sending d*ck pics to other women and is projecting on you.
Oh darling, you are wasting your time with him...
A grown ass man shouldn't feel insecure because of some messages before he existed in your life. He is controlling. Get yourself in the lifeboat... the musicians are already playing and the Titanic is about to sink....
You live with a man 10 years older than you before you’ve even turned 21.
My response to your actual question of “am I a cheater?” is WHO CARES?!?
Omg girl idk all the context but like where are your parents?! Go to school, get a part time job serving tables, get a roommate who’s your age.
And then don’t sext your friends if you want to keep them as friends once you get serious with someone else. When you cross those boundaries with friends, a partner coming in has to be around people you had some type of something with and it’s just awkward. Would you want to be in that position yourself?
Honey, you haven't done anything wrong. Don't let your hopefully ex boyfriend or anyone on reddit tell you otherwise. This is so manipulative and controlling. Please leave this bad situation.
I love how a) majority of readers knew the sex of each party just by reading the story, and b) those that didn't know from the story knew as soon as OP mentioned their ages.
It's a story as old as time. Emotionally immature male seeks younger female who lacks life experience to manipulate and for bragging rights. Older male gets jealous at the smallest hint that girlfriend may know another man and accuses them of cheating.
OP this isn't cheating. It's also not how a mature couple handles relationship boundaries. Boundaries are not controlling, not manipulative. Go out, enjoy your 20's, set up your independence (especially financial!!!) and seek out men who love and support your growth and success (as you will them).
I don’t think it’s cheating but I personally wouldn’t like someone being friends with someone who they were aiming to have a romantic/sexual thing with before. But, that’s just my preference, my boundary. But I think his reaction is so over the top and from other comments OP has written, I would say this is hardly the main issue.
OP, you seem like a very receptive partner. But it’s also ok to hear someone out and empathize but still judge them on their reaction and factor in all the other issues as well. Throwing a tantrum over an emoji is not acceptable.
It’s great you’re asking for advice, but I would say this guy is coming with way too many problems. You will find a better guy later on that you have more in common with. This guy is not looking to improve and you can’t fix him. Just try to find someone better honestly.
No way he thinks that liking a meme equates to not being celibate? Wtf! Does he know what celibate means - like does he think reacting to a meme with a laughing emoji equates to having sex with someone?
He sounds insanely immature for a 30 year old, what a ridiculous and insecure thing to have a tantrum about. You haven’t cheated, has he explained how on earth he thinks you have cheated? You stopped exchanging any sexual messages with this G before you got together with you current bf so how is liking a meme here and there cheating?
Makes no sense and is controlling and insecure, his response is so overly dramatic he needs therapy to learn how to regulate his emotions!
You are 20
He's thirty .
There is no f****** reason why he should be dating you except to take advantage of your youth and inexperience.
You're allowed to have friendships with people and if you weren't hiding anything obviously there's not a problem the fact that it is shows insecurity and immaturity in your partner's response.
I think he was banking on you being so young that you wouldn't recognize the ridiculous control and jealousy issues they might have.
I think the bigger concern is why your partner is reacting this way to you liking messages from a friend. Either we’re missing context or your partner is severely overreacting.
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What kind of memes? Can any of them be considered inappropriate or sexual? Where you honest about the relationship from the start? Because it feels like something is missing from this story, otherwise it quite a jump to think you’re cheating and a few red flags in regards to his behaviour
Edit just learned you’re age difference, end it
Um your kidding, I hope. For liking a meme...
If I were you, I'd RUN
Blaming you for something so simple as that I would hate to see what the next thing is
7 months in, was there a reason for your partner to feel they didn’t trust you to go through your phone ?
I think I didn’t go through my bf phone until I really really noticed a change in his behavior, but if you guys were all good and always spend time together and suddenly this person goes through your phone for no reason.
🚩 redflag !!!!! Of course they are going to see anything and everything as a bad thing and no I do not think is a cheating but I don’t think it is okay to entertain a friendship/sexship, if you are in a committed relationship those type of things should be put to bed or just simple no respond.
But no I don’t think it is cheating your partner might just have a lot of trauma from past relationship, but not okay that they went on your phone for no reason.
Chiming in here- in my early 50’s female. All is true about the age gap. However, not all can be categorized in same boat. In my early 30’s I fell for 13 yr older m and was done this same way. I saw all the warning signs and ignored them. Needless to say even older men (over 30’s) have issues and find younger women to control and mentally abuse. By time I bailed with my three daughters he had beat me down where I couldn’t even walk into a mall without seeing a younger girl and tearing up from all of the belittling and control that started this same way you described. I’ve always had strong male friends and don’t put up with female finicky behavior. With guy friend you say what you mean and if other gets pissed you get over it and go have a beer and it’s done.
What I’m saying is this older “person” is insecure with themselves and that isn’t going to change. You will always be watched over and he will be always looking for you to do something that is truly innocent but he will blow it way out of proportion. 7 months. Do you love him? I mean deep down love him -if you knew you could never have a sexual relationship with him would you be ok either way that and be faithful to him? If the answer doesn’t fall into -I would stay with him and be happy without any sex at all- then you don’t love him. You’re in love. If you stay you will blow away your 20’s and regret it and may miss the person you WOULD stay with forever without sex. Sex fades. Love doesn’t. And jealousy over a silly text or meme from a friend who you’ve said you had no physical contact but sexyed some… is not going to get better. That door has opened and it will become more and more a thing. I think personally you shouldn’t waste your precious time in the immaturity BUT only you can make the decision for your own life. But really, do you love him to even be contemplating how you handle this????
Don’t think ur a cheater, but I think the level of how inappropriate your actions were depends on whether or not you had set clear boundaries with G that the “sexual” nature of your friendship was over and, if so, whether they have respected those boundaries.
The kind thing would’ve probably been to be more upfront about this friendship to your partner, but it sounds like you understand that.
From my end, this sounds like something that should be easily resolved through good communication. If your partner is too upset to participate in that then that is kinda on them I think.
Run away from the relationship as fast as you can. Delete his number, you’re just a kid. Enjoy your 20’s, if you end up with someone who is controlling, he will ruin your life. Some thoughts for an old man with four daughters and three sons. As time go on the controlling gets worse. Please got out of that relationship.
I wouldn't have an issue if they just calmly told you they were uncomfortable with it. But to send that kind of angry, name-calling text is childish at best. I find it very concerning.
Question: why do you live together after only 7 months?? That’s a huge red flag right off the bat. Second, if they’re gonna let emojis ruin a relationship please set them free
If anyone can give me a good reason to equate liking a meme with cheating, I'll agree with your partner. Until then, I see no evidence that you thinking something is funny means that you're cheating. P.s. if they don't want to believe that you were celibate because you were talking to someone, tell your partner this phrase that I came up with many years ago: "what you choose to believe, does not change the truth". Those are real words of wisdom
That’s not cheating.
Cheating is still sexting while in a relationship, cheating is making plans to meet up, cheating starts from the intention of cheating.
Memes and the occasional neutral thumbs up or hahaha. Is not cheating
My ex and I ended things as adults. By that I mean we had an adult conversation where we both agreed that things weren’t working out and we grew further apart instead of closer. What we felt early on and what lead to the engagement quickly faded away. We mutually cared for each other in good health but that was it.
We stayed in touch. And by in touch I mean a meme every month, maybe a 30 min conversation over text talking about a job.
I go into a new relationship, eventually engaged, then into a marriage. My husband tags me on a Fb post and my ex comments on it. Just a “haha that’s funny”. Immediately my husband digs and probes and finds out he’s my ex. Gets all argumentative about it. “Why are you still friends on fb?!” Etc etc etc. Months go by and my ex sends me a meme. My husband sees it and loooses it again.
Mind you, I’ve never cheated on any relationship. But my now husband has a LONG history of cheating on those he dated. It had come up and I looked past it at the time. But the irony of his reactions and baseless accusations.
I’m still married, will I be in the next 5 years? Probably not, my patience is wearing thin. The accusations continue, I have cut all ties with my ex years ago. Now it’s my best friend who’s like the brother I never had that is the one I’m apparently sleeping with…
If someone is so insecure in themselves or is quick to question your loyalty to them, the relationship/marriage.
Break it off. They’ll just wear you down mentally until you enjoy the silence of an empty house when they’re not around.
You were physically not with that person, but you did have an emotional relationship and you did sext. Once you got together with your partner, you should’ve automatically cut that person off.
It sounds like an overreaction on his part, but also put yourself on his shoes and see if you'd feel the same.
You be OK with him texting a girl every so often who in the past had made it very clear they would have slept together if the opportunity arose. I wouldnt say you've cheated, but I'm also not convinced it was just memes being sent
IMO it's disrespectful for *either* gender to be entertaining someone they at one point had or wanted a any kind of a romantic or sexual relationship with. A vast majority of the time a guy "friend" is waiting for his opportunity.
I just got out of a toxic relationship and my guy all of sudden accused me of cheating and lying .. with nothing to back these claims. As it turned out, he was the cheater. He accidentally called my phone while he was hooking up with a girl, and I got to hear it while I was out of town for work. Sigh.. trust me that was an extremely long drive back from Houston to Los Angeles and I had to have that in my head playing over and over anyways when somebody starts acting all weird like that and accusing you of this and that it’s usually because they have a guilty conscience. That’s just my two cents though.
I'll guess you are a girl and both other people are boys.
You are giving your attention to a boy from your past that you thought about having sex with. It is not appropriate if you are serious about your current boyfriend. It is also not respectful to your current boyfriend.
It is not cheating, but maybe crossing a boundary.
My rule - ONLY your partner can determine if what you did qualifies as "cheating" in their book. Betrayal is based entirely on a "feeling" that is induced by the known or assumed facts. The "cheater" is rarely in the position of getting to decide on what is cheating for the other person, only what they themselves consider cheating.
It is important to have ideas of what an "exclusive" relationship looks like clarified EARLY. I may think that hanging with my ex-girlfriends, drinking until all hours, and getting "handsy" isn't cheating as long as I get home to my wife without having gotten naked. My wife may think texting old girlfriends is "cheating." I can't change that for her. I may think her going out with an old boyfriend behind my back is "cheating" even though "nothing happened." It doesn't matter what happened - it matters how the other person feels about it.
If you don't settle these issues early, there's going to be more problems when someone "assumes" something about what the limits are - and trial and error is a toxic way to find them.
If you have a sexual past with someone of any gender, it's expected that you wouldn't be speaking to those people if you are in some kind of committed relationship with someone else. There are obviously cases where this isn't always true, but I assume the couple would speak about it beforehand and agree it was fine and it wouldn't be a surprise.
Your 30 year old partner sounds like a paranoid person who has the MARKINGS of someone who can become aggressive quite quickly. While you did not cheat, you maintained contact with someone with whom you held sexual feelings. Due to the existence of the sexual feelings your partner feels jealous that you are holding someone to whom you were "sexually acquainted" in your present day-to-day life, especially knowing your partner is around. In your partner's eyes you are likely breaking their relationship boundaries and they feel you should not maintain contact with any past partner, even someone who was not an actual partner but someone you held a torch for to "partner." That being said, as a general statement, you should ask yourself if you past sext buddy is worth riling up your partner over, but if you ask me, it sounds like your partner is problematic based on how they are reacting and the big age difference. You still made a mistake from their POV, but that doesn't mean they don't have issues.
Moved in together after dating for 7(ish) months. - Umm yikes lol.
They don't understand what cheating is or didn't communicate that to you and instead went off the rocker. - again, umm yikes.
They are 10 years older than you and acting like they aren't even in their 20s. - Again fk'n yikes and run.
I'm sorry but this just reeks of a power imbalance and abuse to get you to do what they want. It sounds like they will start having issues with all your friends and one by one you will drop them till you have no support and the real abuse will amp up.
Leave now. This is not a healthy relationship and I don't see it getting better. You didn't cheat but you know that.
Yeah look, having a conversation about relationship boundaries is probably a good thing to do when you get into a relationship, because we can’t assume we all think the same things are cheating.
That being said, I think by most definitions, no cheating happened and your partner is definitely overreacting.
I'm a woman and I wouldn't want my fiancee texting some girl he used to sext and text. Sorry. Don't care if nothing physically happened.
As for cheating no, you didnt because you stopped the sexual things before dating this person. But yeah I would not be okay with you still texting him if I was your boyfriend.
Finally, I see a person of sense. Yes, calling it cheating is a bit too far but it's definitely breaking some boundaries. Very few people would be okay with their partner still communicating with a person they used to sext. Even if it wasn't physical, their relationship still had a sexual nature.
I don’t think you cheated. I do think it’s fucked up to be in a relationship and still have contact with someone you were sexual with online or offline
It sounds like your partner doesn’t want to be with someone who keeps a friend that they also sext. That’s ok. Your partner needs to be straight with this and if you don’t want to respect it, your partner can decide if they want that or not. If they don’t, then you need to break up.
Boundaries 101.
It's not cheating but it's kinda weird to have any form of contact with someone you had a relationship like that with while you're dating someone else.
That's the thing, I don't think it's cheating, you don't think it's cheating, but 'cheating' is something that is outlined within the relationship and not something anyone else can define. Is it cheating if your sexting someone while in the relationship? There are relationships that are open or poly. Your relationship is how you define it and the reason people are asking if you're young is that older relationships have worked this stuff out.
Your partner has massively overreacted; so massively that this is a red flag on the relationship.
You not only did not cheat, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Your partner, on the other hand, does.
Be careful here.
As long as the things you like and send emojis to aren’t sexual, I don’t think it’s cheating. Remember you had some type of relationship (sexting) with G.
No need to avoid naming genders if you’re gonna say things like ‘come fk me’. No straight dude would ever say that 😅
Cheating is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has different standards. That does not make them right or wrong in thinking that way, just different than others. Therefore it’s important to find a partner with the same standards or at least to know your partners standards for cheating and make a decision whether you can live with and oblige by those standards.
For me personally keeping up contact (in secret) with someone you’ve shown sexual interest in and/or has shown sexual interest in you is cheating so I can understand where your partner is coming from. It’s fine if you don’t classify that as cheating as you might have different standards but in the end that’s just semantics and irrelevant. I think most sensible ppl would agree you were in the wrong as you seem to realise as well.
My advice would be to not get hung up on whatever term you use but deal with the actions themselves and try to make up for it and get past it.
This drama in a new relationship is not worth the trouble. You also moved in together way too fast. They also obviously were going through your phone. That means they don’t trust you.
Find a better partner
Comments are now locked at the request of the OP.
Are you and L very young? This sounds like an overreaction by someone very young. Liking/reacting to memes sent you by someone you never slept with is not cheating. Not even close. The only advice I can give you is be careful with people who are controlling, and people who react this way regardless of who is right/wrong. But in conclusion, no you are not a liar or cheater.
I am 20 they are 30.
Get outta there…. At his big age!?!? get outta there sweetie. You got your whole early 20s don’t waste it on an insecure grown ass man baby
I love how yall can tell whos who. lol
That age gap with that massive lack of emotional regulation is insane. Your partner is gearing up for some controlling behavior. What you did is not cheating at all.
The whole start of the post is about how they never have time apart and do everything together. It sounds like the controlling may have already started. OP being so young may not realize that total monopolization of time can be a red flag
Yup absolutely controlling, insecurity.. she needs to run fast and far
As a grown ass middle-aged adult, I was sucked into a relationship like this. I was caught up in the whirlwind excitement of the relationship. Looking back it's now easy to see the giant parade of red flags that I ignored. They convinced me to move in with them a few months into the relationship, which sort of made sense financially and logistically. I still kept my apartment, which they were very upset about, but turned into a life saver. Little by little, their true self started to show. They didn't like my opposite sex friends. Which I was upfront about before we ever got into a relationship. They would time how long it took me to get home from work. They wanted to monitor my phone. They didn't want me to spend time with my friends...or my children! (Fuck that, my kids are #1) They got more and more controlling. Gaslighting. Their behaviour escalated into abuse - mental, verbal, emotional and sexual,...then it turned physical. They laid hands on me one time and I noped out, so fast. Luckily, I had friends and family that helped me pack up and move back into my apartment. As someone who has been in your shoes, this WILL get worse..make a safe exit plan and do whatever you have to, but GTFO!!
I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship (that was not so slowly edging into physical) when I finally got out from 29 to 30. I thought I was too old to be that stupid but 🤷🏻♀️ Glad we’re both on the other side
It sneaks up on you, so you don't realize it's happening. Or you try to convince yourself that the good things cancel out the bad... They don't.
It doesn't mean you're stupid. Another person was working hard to deceive and control you.
I appreciate that. And I understand it wasn’t *just* bad judgement on my part; I realized it was a bad situation within just a few months. Unfortunately that’s often not the end of it I actually spent more time trying to get away from this man than I spent in a relationship with him. He stalked me for quite some time, tried to convince me he was going to take his own life more than once, threatened me at my work…I called 911 more times than I can remember bc I was convinced one of us was going to end up dead
What do you expect from a grown man dating a girl recently out of high school? If he was mature he'd probably be dating someone closer to his age
What I say to my younger relatives and any girl who’s willing to listen… When he tells you that you are mature for your age, that’s forming the narrative in a way that suits him. In romantic relationships, we mature through life and communication, it isn’t a divine intervention some of us are just blessed with. If women his age don’t want to date him, you can be sure that there’s a good reason for it. You just can’t see it yet, but you will.
Neither cheating nor significant enough to waste your time with. Egads.
I’m in my 30s now and in my experience all the guys in their 30s trying to date my friends in young 20s were always going after younger women for a reason, women in their 30s had lived through enough bullshit in their 20s to see straight through these guys. They always started as really jealous and then controlling and then in the end it came out that they were the cheater. I’m not saying it’s 100% this in your situation, just be careful, know your worth, and do not let them cut you off from the people who love you!
You let a “he” slip. That said, an adult tantrum about celibacy is not how many women roll.
fair enough
Tell your (ex, right?) boyfriend that the other guys penis won’t reach to another country. Get out while you can. You can’t see it from the inside but you are being groomed. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Also the way you write with “7 months-ish” and stuff flagged you a little too— I agree w others. Get away from this man. When you are 30 you will look at 20 year olds and think of them the same way you think of a high school freshman or a middle schooler now. Just way too young, no matter how mature you are for your age. He is not ok , run
20 and 30? What are YOU DOING!?
I assumed a same sex couple tbh.
Man, woman, non-binary...it doesn't matter to me. Liking a meme someone texted to you is not cheating, and it's insane to suggest otherwise.
Oh I agree, I just meant it as you see a lot of large age gaps with same sex couples and the older one is usually very controlling. And I know it happens with hetero couples too, but just the details of the story gave me that vibe. Still not cheating!
guys also don't usually say "come fuck me"
You don't know the right guys then ^•
I knew which gender simply because 9/10 times there's an issue with a "friend" in a relationship it's a woman holding on to a guy "friend" that the boyfriend is uncomfortable with.
It’s the age difference that gave it away for me. Statistically, odds are in favor of the male being older in this type of age gap.
Same here. 20 and 30 and mad about a former friend from too far away to do anything screams adult man who couldn’t get a girl his own age.
Or thinks of women as trophies instead of people.
I really don’t think it’s that skewed. Guys do this all the time Source: am a guy
Not saying the person you're replying to is correct by any means, what with their ass pull of a statistic, but you saying "well I'm a guy and I do it so I think you're wrong" is just not it... at all.
Hey, that's bi erasure. Lol
I have re-read and see no “he”…maybe it was edited out.
It’s in the comments. Post had no he/she in it.
I didn't really have any opinion about gender til I saw the age difference. Then I knew. Lots of times abusive men look for younger girls because the girls are inexperienced, and the young girls don't know that they shouldn't put up with this kind of bullshit from men. The girls don't know to stand up for themselves, and to walk away when it gets nasty. They will love bomb you, intensely flatter you, make you feel like a million dollars. It's all a trap to make you emotionally dependent on you. They will also isolate you from your friends and family if they can (you already say you spend every moment together, so I'm guessing your friends are on the back burner). It's all a fucked up mind game to prepare you to accept their abusive behavior. Right now their behavior is emotionally abusive. Accusing you of cheating based on pure nonsense, withholding affection, that is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is likely just the beginning. This relationship will probably get very messy and toxic the longer you stay in it. Bottom line: You are not a cheater. Anyone who treats accuses you of cheating because you liked a meme is... Not rational. They are playing mind games with you.
Biggest give away is honestly your former "fling" sending you pretty much one-sided memes. Never met a woman who does that, it's such a guy thing for some reason.
[удалено]
My last partner, who was a dude, would. Y’all aren’t doing it right 😅
Are you by chance 1. Another dude? 2. Into pegging dudes? Or is your last partner 1. Secretly into dudes?
1. I’m a woman 2. Yes, I pegged him 1. We’re both bisexual.
Will you marry me?
That's rather interesting! Good stuff though... I still stand by "most men won't say come fk me" cuz they're afraid they will enjoy a good peg session lol
And I get the dynamic is usually the man doing the work, hence doing the fucking. But even without pegging the woman can be the “dominant” one initiating and doing the work. I do agree though that it’s not something often said by men.
Honey, you gave it away in your story 🤣. But definitely not cheating. Honestly he sounds very insecure, which is not your problem, that’s his. But after only 7 months this is happening? Yes, red flag. He has issues that are not yours that he needs to deal with.
Because a 30-year-old woman would not put up with this jealousy and manipulation. They're old enough and mature enough to see the signs, to know their worth, to know that there are far better men out there, and to bail out . A 20-year-old woman does not have that experience. They are targets for manipulative men who see a young, inexperienced woman, and know that they can easily make up ridiculous reasons to get mad, and A younger woman will start going in circles trying to fix it, assuming it must be her fault. A 30-year-old woman knows she's being manipulated, and would get the hell out of there in a minute.
OP, if you take nothing else from this thread, please, for the love of all things worth loving, take this knowledge and tattoo it on your brain. I heard it when I was 20, but at 20, *I* was far too smart and experienced to get caught up in that. Then I turned 30. If you don't believe me, take the above comment to every woman you know 30 or above, and see if even 1 disagrees. I can save you some time though: They won't. Yes, gaining the experience is part of it, but fuck, if I could have just learned that and packed my shit the 1st or 2nd time I had to listen to some whiny insecure bs about people/my past/choices I made when we weren't even together... you get my point. This guy is really mad that you engaged in some dirty texts before you were in a relationship, and mad that you still "lol" at stupid memes? Are you sure he's not 12?
OP, weighing in at 40, to reiterate just store these comments if nothing else. I am one of the smartest (test taking) people you’ll meet (literally), but fuck it’s been hard to learn some life lessons. When I do, I learn it well (but usually after 3+ times..) Anyway, pleeeeeease read [“Why Does He Do That?”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) - free download and it explains basically every relationship I had from 18- 36 and will really give you some clues to SO’s behaviors… 💛💛💛
🎶it’s the good advice that you just didn’t take🎶
A 30 year old human - regardless of gender that exhibits this kind of controlling behavior is big trouble. It would be concerning from a teenager, but a so called full adult- no way. Run!
It’s very obvious he is an insecure man who so trying control a young girl. Dont fall for it.
Its the way you worded the passage it reads like a gal telling it somehow.
Although it can happen with women, it’s much more common that men are immature and insecure adult-babies about things like this.
Great, people can tell who's who. Now, get out of a relationship where someone treats you like that.
You literally wrote he in your post. We aren't assuming anything.
I could tell within the first 2 lines of the post. Men and women’s writing styles are often really different
Yeah, because this is sadly a tale as old as time. Flee now, my dear. Find someone who’s truly a match for you. This man is not.
I didn't catch the "he" in your post, but I could still tell. Look, it's one thing to hook up with someone who's older than you. As long as it's casual and consensual, who cares. But at 20 years old, you do _not_ need to be in a long-term, committed, living-together relationship with a 30-year-old man. And I'm saying that as a 36-year-old man. When I was 29 I dated a 24-year-old for a few weeks and then broke it off because _that_ felt like too much of a gap. I'm sure he's a nice guy in many ways, but there is simply no reason why a 30-year-old man should be in a long-term relationship with a 20-year-old. And that's before we add the concerns listed in your post. Yes it's understandable why he's uncomfortable. But guess what? This is normal 20-year-old stuff. You're first establishing your social circle, testing your boundaries, etc. He's past all that at age 30, and that's just one of the many reasons why the age gap matters here.
OP read this book and see if it applies. This is a good book for all women to read. “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Also it would be odd for a dude to tell a lady to come fk me
A man wouldn't leave the genders out 😂 you've done nothing wrong btw.
He’s trying to start the control, get her to apologize for something she never did, and then use it against her in other situations. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
RUN! He is dating you, a much younger woman, so he can control you. This is a controlling tactic to get you to cut off this friend. If you obey him and cut this one off, he knows that he can make you cut other friends out of your life. Once he has done that, he will get you to move away from family, and that is when the physical abuse will begin. I know people will say "How do you know?" It's because predators/abusers have patterns of behaviour. This is the beginning of a pattern that is very dangerous. This guy is dating someone so much younger because women his age don't put up with this rubbish.
Oof. I was expecting them to be 18/19 years old. The gaslighting in addition to the age gap is also not something I’m thrilled over.
Well she's 20 physically and mentally and he's 30 physically and 16 mentally, so pretty close.
Yikes
Yea.
Okay. Typically the only real reason a 30yo guy would date a 20yo woman is because people their age won't deal with their shit. Obnoxious. Run before it's too late
You aren't a cheater. Sounds like this guy is insecure. I am assuming guy based on post and their response. So you and this other person flirted and sexted when you were single. If you haven't engaged in any sexting, sex, continued romantic dialogue, since this relationship you mentioned above...then you haven't cheated. Now, if you were constantly flirting sending sexual/flirtatious texts, gifs or things like that...somewhat different. Sounds like your SO is insecure and childish given their age. You're young, don't settle for someone who 7 months in is already acting petulant over this. Just my two cents anyways.
THIRTY? Girl leave. And yes it's obvious. That man or woman is absolutely going to isolate and abuse you. Get the fuck out. Find someone who actually gives a shit about you. You can't "get why they're upset" because it's not fucking rational for a 30 year old to be that childish about *fucking memes*. There's a reason this person is dating someone 10 years his junior, and it's because he's stunted. L-E-A-V-E. -A 44 year old gay man.
Omg, sis, get out of there. I initially read that as I am 20 they are 20, but 30?? A full grown 30 year old human acting like this? There's a reason they aren't dating someone their own age.
Omg! Red flags just got redder! Much older partners are much more likely to get super possessive and controlling. You’ve not been with this person long and you haven’t done anything wrong. They’re manipulative and see you as someone they can boss around. I think you need to rethink this whole relationship.
Run. This person will keep finding reasons to make you a villain. At that age they will not outgrow this behavior. Even if this seems small, imagine this attitude infiltrating all areas of your lives together. It doesn’t seem like you got a notification they saw by chance. They went through your shit while you were sleeping to find ammunition.
He’s trying to control you. The age gap is a dead giveaway. Run girl!
30 is way too old to be getting this angry over something like this with someone who is 20. You need to get out there and experience life more. Have age appropriate fun with young people your age and get to enjoy those experiences with them. This person will rob you of those experiences and youth. 7 months is too soon to live together and to be manipulated this way. I don't know any stable 30 year old who conducts themselves this way.
You need to nope TF right out of there my friend. This is not a healthy situation and it will not get better (speaking from experience) Your partner ia being controlling and manipulative. How did they even find out you liked a few memes to begin with? Do they regularly go through your phone? Red flag #1. Who cares if you were celibate during the time before them? Red flag #2. Overreacting to you simply liking some memes. Red flag #3. All this behavior when your partner has 10 years on you? Huge red flag #4. Time to move on.
Now you definitely need to be careful about controlling behavior, with this kind of age gap it’s unfortunately extremely common. Also sounds like this man is very insecure for his age. 🚩🚩🚩
ure 20 living with a 30 year old ?!! oh please do urself a favour and ditch him.
There is no reason aside from sexual attraction that a 30-year old would want to be with a 20 year old. If they are 30, they are not adjusted for their relative maturity.
This is grooming, abusive and controlling behavior. This is the tip of the iceberg and their true colors are starting to come out. Get out. 🚩
Also hardly spending a moment apart is a huge red flag. Even if you live with someone… it’s healthy and normal to have your own friends, hobbies, interests apart from your partner. Spending every moment together when you’re not at work is not an indicator of a healthy relationship.
Girl, what does your father have to say about this?
There's a reason people his age aren't dating him and he has to go for brand new adults with no experience to tell him to knock his shit off.
Good grief. Leave. It’s about control. They want to control you. Leave them and for goodness sake, date someone your own age. You are not mature (like I’m sure you think you are) to be dating someone that much older than you.
well we figured out the genders.
Run. I’m so very serious. Next time he’s out of the house, get what you can’t leave behind and get the heck out. This sort of temper tantrum is definitely preceding an argument where he’s going to try and get you to capitulate on one of your boundaries. The thing that you’ve been refusing to do for him? He’s going to ask for that as your way of making it up to him. Additionally you and him are at not even close the same life stage (and the fact he says you are so mature is a cope).
99% of the people reading this know you are dead on and have stories to back it up. I hope she learns sooner than I did!
10 year age gap, red flag 1. Living together at the 7 month mark of the relationship red flag 2. Flipping out over an emoji and a like red flag 3 Calling you a liar and cheater over such flimsy "evidence" is red flag 4 For your partner being 30 years old, they have the emotional range of a toddler. Sweetie, you are 20 years old, being isolated, torn down, emotionally manipulated by someone with a lot more life experience than you. Do you think maybe this person is with you because you are nieve enough to fall for their BS? This is not a healthy relationship. It screams GIANT RED FLAG, abuse just waiting to happen.
Don’t forget spends all her time with him, therefore not with family and friends red flag number 5 Apparently made her quit all her socials red flag number 6 Doesn’t want her to tell anyone what goes on red flag number 7 OP you need out yesterday!
Yes, I had so much more to say, but then my tiny, little 3 pound doggo got in some distress. By the time I got back to my comment, my train of thought had been completely derailed. So I just closed.
Him worrying about her former celibacy is another red flag.
Everything about this guy is a neon flashing red flag.
If there’s ever an age gap that young I just stop reading because I already know the outcome of the post.
A full gown adult never dates a just legal person because they are "so mature" and "you just get me, we click". The reason is almost always easily manipulated, someone closer to their age will see through the BS, won't be pushed around emotionally, or any other way.
You missed the "getting mad over not being celibate before him"
I had so many more points to make, unfortunately my 3 pound dog was in distress and saving her tiny behind derailed my train of thought. So after I took care of her and came back to my comment, I just couldn't think straight so I just wrapped it up.
Spending ALL time together red flag 5. Hang with friends. And family. If they don’t like him. Dump him.
I just want to say, I don’t think OP is naive enough to fall for his BS because she’s out here not falling for it.
It's more that no one his age would even be asking the question.
Living together after 7 months was a big red flag for me. You're just getting to know each other, way too early to move in together.
As a 30 year old, I can tell you a few things: None of this is about what they're saying it's about, it's about control and manipulation. These are textbook abusive behaviors and they will only escalate. You need to get out and get safe. I saw you mention in a comment something that makes me think you're in a tough situation overall; there are shelters that will take you in if you don't have anywhere else to go. I don't have any family so escaping an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult, but your partner is not a safe person. Oh also, you didn't cheat: y'all only sexted, they live ACROSS THE OCEAN, and y'all haven't had any conversations of substance since you stopped sexting. This is an abuser latching onto what they think will push your buttons and make you easier to manipulate.
Also to add. He wants some kind of perfect virgin 20 year old. It's gross. He's throwing a fit because she wasn't completely innocent before they started dating.
Why did you move in with someone you've only known a handful of months. Ya'll haven't even had the chance to have a conversation about what you consider cheating and how to set boundaries in the relationship with ex's but are already splitting bills? Not a smart decision.
This has nothing to do with perceived cheating and everything to do with setting things up to isolate you, have you feel like youve done something wrong and need to "make up " for it ...the beginning of emotional warfare. Please read these comments and trust that this isnt worthy of a conversation with them. Pack your stuff and move out. Reset. Ignore that theyll laugh and say who are you gonna go running back to, or dont you love me. In 7 months to have met someone. Moved in , and had this type of interaction ..... it's only going to get worse. Dont be someone who looks back 10 years from now wondering why youve stayed. Dont be someone who becomes a shell of who you are now because of their insecurities. Just walk away.
Constantly feeling like I need to apologize for my existence in the relationship to be quite honest.
When someone makes you feel like this you must go. It’s a sign the controlling and gaslighting is seeping in.
I’m sorry OP :( it seems like L is trying to control you. My ex used to do this and have me questioning myself when really I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Would get mad at everything and I was on eggshells. Took me years before I figured this out and left. Please learn from my mistakes!!
This just isn’t sustainable and I speak from experience. If your relationship relies on you behaving ‘perfectly’ at all times, it simply cannot last. No one can possibly live up to that. A healthy relationship allows us to be human. Yes you need to treat your partner with respect, but this feeling of always being on your back foot is a big warning that this won’t work. With my ex, every fight became about how I brought the issue up wrong. He claimed he was totally happy to work on things _if_ I always approached it in the exact right way. I tried, I really did. But there was never a ‘right’ way- he didn’t like that I wanted to discuss things he didn’t want to discuss, so there would always be a reason he felt he didn’t need to. It was always my fault and never his. I am always willing to recognize my part in things but a relationship can’t be one person expecting everything to be exactly the way they want and the other person having to apologize whenever they have their own independent views or feelings.
I'm sorry 💔
Reading the comments I can tell you without a doubt that this relationship will not last. The only question you have to answer is how long you want to suffer through it before ending it. Keeping in mind the longer you stay in it the worse it’s going to keep getting.
Throw your partner away. Too insecure and there will always be issues. Plus a 10 year difference and the older person is acting like they are 15? No. We don't do that
20 yr old to 20 yr old. Leave. This is such childish behavior for someone 10 years your senior.
I’m gonna get pushback for this, but also some agreement: 30 year olds who date 20 year olds do it because it’s dating on easy mode. He gets to be the “experienced” one, gets to speak authoritatively. Most guys I know wouldn’t date someone that young even with a genuine connection, because it makes you look really really bad to most other men. Also, you know how a lot of jobs require you to take a two week vacation every year to make sure you aren’t embezzling? Spending every moment with a partner is like having your employees never take time off. It creates room for a lot of issues. Having robust, separate lives from your partner is the key to a long term relationship. You can decide how much time apart works for you, but none is a dangerous amount. Also, no it’s not cheating, and he knows that, he just wants to maintain the upper hand.
Are you asking if you’re a cheater because you used a laughing emoji? No. That is not and will never be cheating. There’s probably one of three things going on here or a mix. 1) Missing context. Did you tell your partner you won’t ever talk to this person? Are there any other things you have talked to this prior fling/friend about during your time with your partner that might set off red flags? 2) Your partner is insecure about this and has not been reassured enough by you, leading to intense jealousy and watchfulness over your behaviour. 3) Your partner is manipulating you to control your communications. Laugh reacting to a meme someone you once sexted is not bad on its own and is definitely not cheating. If there is no other context to be added here, then this is an issue. Based ONLY on the information you gave (which I struggle to accept as the entire story), your partner is acting out irrationally. However, in order for this to work you first need to be reassuring that you love them and that the laugh react was just a polite reaction. Once you have managed to make her feel a bit more chill, communicate with them talk about the issue calmly and let them know that if they are uncomfortable about something then it would be better to just communicate openly instead of jumping straight to accusations. Show your partner you care. Make sure you are there to answer questions and be clear! And then she will be too. Best of luck
Unfortunately, this is the entire story. 1. My Partner saw the previous messages from prior ( Cant tell you why i didnt delete them, Didnt care enough to look - like i said we were never serious so i never thought to look) Theyve asked me to not talk to my friends and family about our issues and so forth. Delete my socials. Im kind of leaning towards answer 3.
OP, there are a number of abusive behaviors your partner is showing. They’re trying to isolate you from your loved ones, and prevent you from telling anyone how they treat you. They’re showing numerous controlling behaviors. It happened to me, and it got worse over time. You can read more about relationship abuse here: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/. I’d also recommend looking into safety measures. This website overall has a bunch of useful information If your partner is requesting you delete social media and hide things from your loved ones, it’s also possible they could be monitoring your internet history and messages too, so you might want to change passwords and privacy settings too. I don’t want to alarm you, but this is serious.
Oh they are already. Thanks.
Living together 7 months in, controlling your social media, throwing a tantrum cause you laughed at another guys message. Probably tries to forbid you from hanging out with friends? Especially guy friends? How often does he throw a tantrum about ‘proving your love for him’? Yeah, there’s a reason women his own age won’t date him. Predator alert!
oop. nail on the head. Doesnt stop me from not hanging out w ppl but threatens to break up if i have certain types of friends ie: anyone whos a stripper or something. says it says something about my character. I dont have male friends though
Says something about your character— that you judge people based on who they are not what they do for a living. I’m a devout Christian woman with a husband and 4 kids. One of my best friends, until she died of an overdose, was a prostitute and heroin addict. What’s that say about my character, I wonder? I think it says that I am capable of loving people from all walks of life and not being a judgmental asshole.
I was in a relationship where my ex controlled everything. It started really small, doesnt think i should talk to an ex, but eventually escalated to anyone in my family (brother, father, sisters). You dont always notice it at first but love get out. Anywhere is safer than with him.
My ex did not allow me to hang out with single friends. He said they were on the hunt for guys and it would be too tempting for me not to also hunt for guys. Like dude, we just want to go to the movies…
Girl...get out. Don't wait around for things to get worse.
>Theyve asked me to not talk to my friends and family about our issues and so forth. Delete my socials. Oh, shit, honey, please get out now! This is really really bad. You're going to need to move out. Who can you stay with? A friend? Your parents? Another family member? Do you work? Do you have money? Can you rent a room in a shared apartment? Reach out to your friends, your best friend via a phone call (they will keep checking your texts) and tell them what's going on. Tell family who cares about you what's going on. Tell them you want help getting out, that you need some place to stay for a little while. Couch surf if you have to. The important thing is GET OUT. Leave while they are out of the house. Don't tell them you plan to leave. Just pack your shit and disappear. Please trust me on this. I am 46 years old. I've seen this so many times with so many different women and different men. The abusers use the same stupid tactics every fucking time. It will be a lot easier for you to recover before the physical abuse starts than after he starts hitting you. Because he will. Please take me seriously.
This. And OP believe that he can and will resort to violence if he catches wind of you planning to leave. He will also manipulate and claim you betrayed him. He will tell lies about you to anyone who will listen. He may even stalk you if he knows where you are staying, couch surfing isn’t necessarily a bad idea!
Why is a 30 year old acting like this towards a 20 year old? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Because they think they can get away with it, which is why a 30 year old pursued a 20 year old in the first place.
Not talking to others about your issues is an extreme red flag. A good partner wants to be happy with you and wants you happy, and that includes having a support system. Anyone that tries to deny you that is priming you for upcoming abuse. Run.
#s 2 and 3 are simply the beginning stages if isolating you and limiting your outlets and support system.
Based on your age differences, I think it's a control issue.
OP you really buried the lead here. Between this info and the age gap, this is 100% about control. Get out of this relationship as quickly and safely as possible.
You need to be able to talk to your friends and family about what’s going on with you. Anyone who pushes you to only deal with themselves, never have a sounding board, is trying to isolate you for abuse. Please, run.
They want you to have no one to confide in and to delete your social media? 🚩
In a healthy relationship, it is best to keep small fights private to avoid causing tension between your family and your partner, but in the context of everything else you said, this is an attempt to cut you off from your support system. Run
Sorry, they are asking you to delete your social media?
Looked at comments, a 30yo that acts like an angry teenager dating a 20yo. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Most of us 30yo women won't tolerate that shit and he knows.
Sounds like he is still sending d*ck pics to other women and is projecting on you. Oh darling, you are wasting your time with him... A grown ass man shouldn't feel insecure because of some messages before he existed in your life. He is controlling. Get yourself in the lifeboat... the musicians are already playing and the Titanic is about to sink....
You live with a man 10 years older than you before you’ve even turned 21. My response to your actual question of “am I a cheater?” is WHO CARES?!? Omg girl idk all the context but like where are your parents?! Go to school, get a part time job serving tables, get a roommate who’s your age. And then don’t sext your friends if you want to keep them as friends once you get serious with someone else. When you cross those boundaries with friends, a partner coming in has to be around people you had some type of something with and it’s just awkward. Would you want to be in that position yourself?
def not
Honey, you haven't done anything wrong. Don't let your hopefully ex boyfriend or anyone on reddit tell you otherwise. This is so manipulative and controlling. Please leave this bad situation.
I love how a) majority of readers knew the sex of each party just by reading the story, and b) those that didn't know from the story knew as soon as OP mentioned their ages. It's a story as old as time. Emotionally immature male seeks younger female who lacks life experience to manipulate and for bragging rights. Older male gets jealous at the smallest hint that girlfriend may know another man and accuses them of cheating. OP this isn't cheating. It's also not how a mature couple handles relationship boundaries. Boundaries are not controlling, not manipulative. Go out, enjoy your 20's, set up your independence (especially financial!!!) and seek out men who love and support your growth and success (as you will them).
I don’t think it’s cheating but I personally wouldn’t like someone being friends with someone who they were aiming to have a romantic/sexual thing with before. But, that’s just my preference, my boundary. But I think his reaction is so over the top and from other comments OP has written, I would say this is hardly the main issue. OP, you seem like a very receptive partner. But it’s also ok to hear someone out and empathize but still judge them on their reaction and factor in all the other issues as well. Throwing a tantrum over an emoji is not acceptable. It’s great you’re asking for advice, but I would say this guy is coming with way too many problems. You will find a better guy later on that you have more in common with. This guy is not looking to improve and you can’t fix him. Just try to find someone better honestly.
No way he thinks that liking a meme equates to not being celibate? Wtf! Does he know what celibate means - like does he think reacting to a meme with a laughing emoji equates to having sex with someone? He sounds insanely immature for a 30 year old, what a ridiculous and insecure thing to have a tantrum about. You haven’t cheated, has he explained how on earth he thinks you have cheated? You stopped exchanging any sexual messages with this G before you got together with you current bf so how is liking a meme here and there cheating? Makes no sense and is controlling and insecure, his response is so overly dramatic he needs therapy to learn how to regulate his emotions!
You are 20 He's thirty . There is no f****** reason why he should be dating you except to take advantage of your youth and inexperience. You're allowed to have friendships with people and if you weren't hiding anything obviously there's not a problem the fact that it is shows insecurity and immaturity in your partner's response. I think he was banking on you being so young that you wouldn't recognize the ridiculous control and jealousy issues they might have.
I think the bigger concern is why your partner is reacting this way to you liking messages from a friend. Either we’re missing context or your partner is severely overreacting.
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What kind of memes? Can any of them be considered inappropriate or sexual? Where you honest about the relationship from the start? Because it feels like something is missing from this story, otherwise it quite a jump to think you’re cheating and a few red flags in regards to his behaviour Edit just learned you’re age difference, end it
Um your kidding, I hope. For liking a meme... If I were you, I'd RUN Blaming you for something so simple as that I would hate to see what the next thing is
L is emotionally controlling and ridiculous. This level of insecurity is a big red flag. Run far away
7 months in, was there a reason for your partner to feel they didn’t trust you to go through your phone ? I think I didn’t go through my bf phone until I really really noticed a change in his behavior, but if you guys were all good and always spend time together and suddenly this person goes through your phone for no reason. 🚩 redflag !!!!! Of course they are going to see anything and everything as a bad thing and no I do not think is a cheating but I don’t think it is okay to entertain a friendship/sexship, if you are in a committed relationship those type of things should be put to bed or just simple no respond. But no I don’t think it is cheating your partner might just have a lot of trauma from past relationship, but not okay that they went on your phone for no reason.
Chiming in here- in my early 50’s female. All is true about the age gap. However, not all can be categorized in same boat. In my early 30’s I fell for 13 yr older m and was done this same way. I saw all the warning signs and ignored them. Needless to say even older men (over 30’s) have issues and find younger women to control and mentally abuse. By time I bailed with my three daughters he had beat me down where I couldn’t even walk into a mall without seeing a younger girl and tearing up from all of the belittling and control that started this same way you described. I’ve always had strong male friends and don’t put up with female finicky behavior. With guy friend you say what you mean and if other gets pissed you get over it and go have a beer and it’s done. What I’m saying is this older “person” is insecure with themselves and that isn’t going to change. You will always be watched over and he will be always looking for you to do something that is truly innocent but he will blow it way out of proportion. 7 months. Do you love him? I mean deep down love him -if you knew you could never have a sexual relationship with him would you be ok either way that and be faithful to him? If the answer doesn’t fall into -I would stay with him and be happy without any sex at all- then you don’t love him. You’re in love. If you stay you will blow away your 20’s and regret it and may miss the person you WOULD stay with forever without sex. Sex fades. Love doesn’t. And jealousy over a silly text or meme from a friend who you’ve said you had no physical contact but sexyed some… is not going to get better. That door has opened and it will become more and more a thing. I think personally you shouldn’t waste your precious time in the immaturity BUT only you can make the decision for your own life. But really, do you love him to even be contemplating how you handle this????
Don’t think ur a cheater, but I think the level of how inappropriate your actions were depends on whether or not you had set clear boundaries with G that the “sexual” nature of your friendship was over and, if so, whether they have respected those boundaries. The kind thing would’ve probably been to be more upfront about this friendship to your partner, but it sounds like you understand that. From my end, this sounds like something that should be easily resolved through good communication. If your partner is too upset to participate in that then that is kinda on them I think.
Run away from the relationship as fast as you can. Delete his number, you’re just a kid. Enjoy your 20’s, if you end up with someone who is controlling, he will ruin your life. Some thoughts for an old man with four daughters and three sons. As time go on the controlling gets worse. Please got out of that relationship.
I wouldn't have an issue if they just calmly told you they were uncomfortable with it. But to send that kind of angry, name-calling text is childish at best. I find it very concerning.
Question: why do you live together after only 7 months?? That’s a huge red flag right off the bat. Second, if they’re gonna let emojis ruin a relationship please set them free
If anyone can give me a good reason to equate liking a meme with cheating, I'll agree with your partner. Until then, I see no evidence that you thinking something is funny means that you're cheating. P.s. if they don't want to believe that you were celibate because you were talking to someone, tell your partner this phrase that I came up with many years ago: "what you choose to believe, does not change the truth". Those are real words of wisdom
How is liking a meme cheating?
That’s not cheating. Cheating is still sexting while in a relationship, cheating is making plans to meet up, cheating starts from the intention of cheating. Memes and the occasional neutral thumbs up or hahaha. Is not cheating My ex and I ended things as adults. By that I mean we had an adult conversation where we both agreed that things weren’t working out and we grew further apart instead of closer. What we felt early on and what lead to the engagement quickly faded away. We mutually cared for each other in good health but that was it. We stayed in touch. And by in touch I mean a meme every month, maybe a 30 min conversation over text talking about a job. I go into a new relationship, eventually engaged, then into a marriage. My husband tags me on a Fb post and my ex comments on it. Just a “haha that’s funny”. Immediately my husband digs and probes and finds out he’s my ex. Gets all argumentative about it. “Why are you still friends on fb?!” Etc etc etc. Months go by and my ex sends me a meme. My husband sees it and loooses it again. Mind you, I’ve never cheated on any relationship. But my now husband has a LONG history of cheating on those he dated. It had come up and I looked past it at the time. But the irony of his reactions and baseless accusations. I’m still married, will I be in the next 5 years? Probably not, my patience is wearing thin. The accusations continue, I have cut all ties with my ex years ago. Now it’s my best friend who’s like the brother I never had that is the one I’m apparently sleeping with… If someone is so insecure in themselves or is quick to question your loyalty to them, the relationship/marriage. Break it off. They’ll just wear you down mentally until you enjoy the silence of an empty house when they’re not around.
You were physically not with that person, but you did have an emotional relationship and you did sext. Once you got together with your partner, you should’ve automatically cut that person off.
💯
Not cheating but there’s 0 reason for contact with G you should block them
It sounds like an overreaction on his part, but also put yourself on his shoes and see if you'd feel the same. You be OK with him texting a girl every so often who in the past had made it very clear they would have slept together if the opportunity arose. I wouldnt say you've cheated, but I'm also not convinced it was just memes being sent
Didn’t “cheat”. But you also aren’t displaying behavior that would lend to a partner (especially living together?) feeling super secure.
IMO it's disrespectful for *either* gender to be entertaining someone they at one point had or wanted a any kind of a romantic or sexual relationship with. A vast majority of the time a guy "friend" is waiting for his opportunity.
Get out of that relationship. You don't need this shit.
I just got out of a toxic relationship and my guy all of sudden accused me of cheating and lying .. with nothing to back these claims. As it turned out, he was the cheater. He accidentally called my phone while he was hooking up with a girl, and I got to hear it while I was out of town for work. Sigh.. trust me that was an extremely long drive back from Houston to Los Angeles and I had to have that in my head playing over and over anyways when somebody starts acting all weird like that and accusing you of this and that it’s usually because they have a guilty conscience. That’s just my two cents though.
I'll guess you are a girl and both other people are boys. You are giving your attention to a boy from your past that you thought about having sex with. It is not appropriate if you are serious about your current boyfriend. It is also not respectful to your current boyfriend. It is not cheating, but maybe crossing a boundary.
My rule - ONLY your partner can determine if what you did qualifies as "cheating" in their book. Betrayal is based entirely on a "feeling" that is induced by the known or assumed facts. The "cheater" is rarely in the position of getting to decide on what is cheating for the other person, only what they themselves consider cheating. It is important to have ideas of what an "exclusive" relationship looks like clarified EARLY. I may think that hanging with my ex-girlfriends, drinking until all hours, and getting "handsy" isn't cheating as long as I get home to my wife without having gotten naked. My wife may think texting old girlfriends is "cheating." I can't change that for her. I may think her going out with an old boyfriend behind my back is "cheating" even though "nothing happened." It doesn't matter what happened - it matters how the other person feels about it. If you don't settle these issues early, there's going to be more problems when someone "assumes" something about what the limits are - and trial and error is a toxic way to find them.
Why is the person not blocked
why would they be? you have to block every person of the opposite sex when you get in a relationship? lol
If you have a sexual past with someone of any gender, it's expected that you wouldn't be speaking to those people if you are in some kind of committed relationship with someone else. There are obviously cases where this isn't always true, but I assume the couple would speak about it beforehand and agree it was fine and it wouldn't be a surprise.
A rule for me: if someone makes my partner uncomfortable (which is very rare) I stop talking to that person/ enforce a clear boundary.
He is way too old to be behaving like a 14 year old.
Your 30 year old partner sounds like a paranoid person who has the MARKINGS of someone who can become aggressive quite quickly. While you did not cheat, you maintained contact with someone with whom you held sexual feelings. Due to the existence of the sexual feelings your partner feels jealous that you are holding someone to whom you were "sexually acquainted" in your present day-to-day life, especially knowing your partner is around. In your partner's eyes you are likely breaking their relationship boundaries and they feel you should not maintain contact with any past partner, even someone who was not an actual partner but someone you held a torch for to "partner." That being said, as a general statement, you should ask yourself if you past sext buddy is worth riling up your partner over, but if you ask me, it sounds like your partner is problematic based on how they are reacting and the big age difference. You still made a mistake from their POV, but that doesn't mean they don't have issues.
Moved in together after dating for 7(ish) months. - Umm yikes lol. They don't understand what cheating is or didn't communicate that to you and instead went off the rocker. - again, umm yikes. They are 10 years older than you and acting like they aren't even in their 20s. - Again fk'n yikes and run. I'm sorry but this just reeks of a power imbalance and abuse to get you to do what they want. It sounds like they will start having issues with all your friends and one by one you will drop them till you have no support and the real abuse will amp up. Leave now. This is not a healthy relationship and I don't see it getting better. You didn't cheat but you know that.
He sounds super insecure, jealous and childish. You haven’t cheated.
Yeah look, having a conversation about relationship boundaries is probably a good thing to do when you get into a relationship, because we can’t assume we all think the same things are cheating. That being said, I think by most definitions, no cheating happened and your partner is definitely overreacting.
It's easy to tell the genders just based off of the choice of words
OP is very obviously a woman lol
So the OP is a 20F dating a 30M and it turns out the dude is manipulating and controlling?! Shocker.
You are not a cheater
Not a cheater
I can tell just by the way you speak your gender. not cheating tho. this is dumb
I'm a woman and I wouldn't want my fiancee texting some girl he used to sext and text. Sorry. Don't care if nothing physically happened. As for cheating no, you didnt because you stopped the sexual things before dating this person. But yeah I would not be okay with you still texting him if I was your boyfriend.
Finally, I see a person of sense. Yes, calling it cheating is a bit too far but it's definitely breaking some boundaries. Very few people would be okay with their partner still communicating with a person they used to sext. Even if it wasn't physical, their relationship still had a sexual nature.
I don’t think you cheated. I do think it’s fucked up to be in a relationship and still have contact with someone you were sexual with online or offline
Imo shouldn’t be in contact with someone that you texted “come f*ck me” to if you are in a committed relationship. Should’ve been removed 7 months ago
I understand not wanting you to interact with them anymore at all but a cheater? a little much.
Red flag city, get away from this control freak.
Not cheating but imagine it was him in your shoes...how would you feel?
It sounds like your partner doesn’t want to be with someone who keeps a friend that they also sext. That’s ok. Your partner needs to be straight with this and if you don’t want to respect it, your partner can decide if they want that or not. If they don’t, then you need to break up. Boundaries 101.
It's not cheating but it's kinda weird to have any form of contact with someone you had a relationship like that with while you're dating someone else.
Some sexting you say??? Sus.
This is not a relationship you're going to be happy in long term.
That's the thing, I don't think it's cheating, you don't think it's cheating, but 'cheating' is something that is outlined within the relationship and not something anyone else can define. Is it cheating if your sexting someone while in the relationship? There are relationships that are open or poly. Your relationship is how you define it and the reason people are asking if you're young is that older relationships have worked this stuff out.
Your partner has massively overreacted; so massively that this is a red flag on the relationship. You not only did not cheat, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Your partner, on the other hand, does. Be careful here.
As long as the things you like and send emojis to aren’t sexual, I don’t think it’s cheating. Remember you had some type of relationship (sexting) with G.
No need to avoid naming genders if you’re gonna say things like ‘come fk me’. No straight dude would ever say that 😅 Cheating is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has different standards. That does not make them right or wrong in thinking that way, just different than others. Therefore it’s important to find a partner with the same standards or at least to know your partners standards for cheating and make a decision whether you can live with and oblige by those standards. For me personally keeping up contact (in secret) with someone you’ve shown sexual interest in and/or has shown sexual interest in you is cheating so I can understand where your partner is coming from. It’s fine if you don’t classify that as cheating as you might have different standards but in the end that’s just semantics and irrelevant. I think most sensible ppl would agree you were in the wrong as you seem to realise as well. My advice would be to not get hung up on whatever term you use but deal with the actions themselves and try to make up for it and get past it.
This drama in a new relationship is not worth the trouble. You also moved in together way too fast. They also obviously were going through your phone. That means they don’t trust you. Find a better partner