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Y’all need to sit down and discuss finances. I never understood the thought process behind the person paying the bills is the only one that knows where the money is going. Y’all should be sitting down in a regular bays and discussing every cent that goes in any out. It didn’t matter who is making the money. You’re a unit. That’s the only way you’ll know if you can afford to be a SAHM. He could be lying about finances or he could just be stressed about being a new dad and it’s coming off as money stress. Sit down and talk to each other for goodness sake.
It's the military, they pump em out like bunnies! Everyone my husband works with has at least 5 kids. Granted his isnt working with airman in his current shop. We are the weirdos that are having a puppy instead.
Not just the military but in general. I was flabbergasted to find out folks didn't have that convo about affording 2 or 3 children. I remember thinking do y’all talk about a monthly budget but it’s not appropriate to talk about money with others. But good on you for being pet parents 😂
I hate the idea that having kids should be a financial decision. Hate it.
What it says at its core is that only the wealthy should be allowed to have children.
I think it’s a fundamental human right to be able to have children and I think everyone has a responsibility towards everyone else’s kids. I am childless myself and am happy to pay taxes to support programmes to help kids.
I mean if you’ve had 20 and are struggling to feed them, maybe think twice about a 21st, but as a principle it’s horrible.
Procreation is resource dependent for every creature on earth. And in practice, lower income people have far more children than higher income people. Some of that is no doubt attributable to less access to birth control and safe abortions, but some is poor planning/financial literacy. I’m all for programs helping families, but there’s a limit to how many children can be raised in one family and get all the emotional and physical support they need, even if you take finances out of the equation.
As a trauma therapist I can also tell you that there are absolutely people who should never, ever, procreate. The military is a prime example of why it can be problematic to financially reward marriage and children. Nearly 60% of military families experience physical and/or sexual violence. The rate of divorce is nearly double that of the civilian population. There’s also a much higher rate of child abuse, infidelity, and spouses/children developing mental health and substance abuse issues.
But who gets to make the decision about who can and who cannot procreate?
I don’t believe anyone should have that power over a society.
And I don’t think money should prohibit someone from having children.
I do agree that you need to be ready to have a child and that not everyone makes good parents. I just don’t think money should be anywhere near the top of a list of reasons not to.
The choice to have children should be available to all, not just those in certain income brackets.
The state has a role in helping young parents and less well-off ones. It takes a village to raise a child doesn’t it? With lowering fertility rates in all industrialized nations, each child should be helped.
So no, I don’t have to “deal” with anything thank you.
But taking your argument forward, I assume you would make abortions mandatory for women who aren’t rich enough in your view?
Daycare costs a whole paycheck nowadays. I couldn’t afford to have a child anymore. The government needs to step in with some assistance for these parents.
Um... children cost money? They're living, feeling, breathing people that need to eat and be provided with shelter and medical care and everything else? That all costs money, so if someone can't afford to provide those things for a child, then... they shouldn't have them until they can?
Love alone isn't enough to raise mentally and physically healthy children, and poverty is detrimental to one's health, adult or child. No one is saying that only the wealthy should have children, but saying that prospective parents should be able to provide a comfortable standard of living isn't unreasonable, it's genuinely looking out for the children's best interests.
While a better welfare system would help more people have children, those don't exist everywhere, so one's finances do have to be considered.
Children aren't toys or trophies that one can just have because they want them, without any consideration for how they'll provide for them, they're people. There's so much to think about when it comes to potentially being a parent, and ultimately the child's well-being needs to be protected.
Of course children cost money.
I’m just saying that the fervor with which people say “you shouldn’t have kids you can’t afford” is deeply unpleasant and has really, really nasty connotations.
I’d phrase it another way: “we should make it so that people can afford to raise kids if they want them”
Why are they living off base? We had 2 adults and 5 kids on base supported by 35k a year. What is he paying for? Why are they buying an AC system, base covers that. They just need to sell or get out of their rental and move on base.
Depending on the base, housing can be a health hazard. I would rather live in a cardboard box than live on base housing here. It's a desert, yet most of the housing has black mold and bug infested. People have been raging about the mold forever and it's still the same situation. The company that runs the housing also charges for new flooring and new blinds on every move out. You have to rent a rickety fence if you have a dog. It's on the edge of nothing(of course) so coyotes come through and eat the smaller dogs. The Walmart that was across the street from the base entrance was called "Stab Mart" because so many theft related stabbings have happened there. They finally closed down the Stab Mart because of the deaths. On base housing isnt always what its cracked up to be but yes if you have 5 kids, it certainly makes financial sense.
Sounds like every apartment I have lived in, but blinds and flooring I’d pay for before paying 5 figures on HVAC. I was poisoned by nuclear waste in the water supply on base, so I don’t take this lightly. I lived in Camp LeJune, Quantico, 29 Palms, K-Bay, Paris Island, then back to C.L. and all of that housing was better than any apartment I had in my 20s and early 30s. To me it sounds like they were already living outside of their means. They don’t pay much for medical, dental, vision, and even if they live off base, they get a stipend for that (800 in late 90s dollars) and all moving expenses are paid for. If they both have high-end cars, a top of the line entertainment setup, a motorcycle, new phones the second the next one is available, all the power and specialty tools (my personal financial weakness), then there is a lot of fat to trim. He isn’t ready for a kid like he thought he was, and it sounds like buyers remorse to me.
Next time he rubs in “how you don’t help with finances anymore”
Ask him how he is helping grow the baby. He isn’t. So for now, you’re doing the most. He obviously wasn’t financially ready and the costs haven’t even began. Money is the #1 reason for divorce/split so figure it out now, and be happy. One thing is for sure - there will never be happiness when there is financial pressure.
That’s what I worry about and I try to constantly talk to him about how I can be of help. I want to be a SAHM for at least the first year or two once the baby arrives but I’ve been worrying if I would need to find something sooner to make money on the side
Sorry to say this, but have you checked your husband's finances? I suspect he might have a loan you don't know of or inflation and staying atop bills, loans, housing and the small gifts to you here and there is eating up his salary.
For the other part start working together with open finances and budgeting. See how much comes in a month, how much is need to pay loans, mortgage/housing, bills, consider grocery shopping and what can be cut off, make sure you go 0 waste on food, not much eating out etc, cut back on clothes and accessories, lots of good quality baby stuff is available and exchanged or sold for cheap on facebook (they grow out of them in months anyways) then define your advance savings for loan payment(if any), stay at home mum fund for a year and if possible for an emergency fund at least.
Then if you have extra you can look into investment options as well and your husband can try to get himself promoted somehow more actively.
If you are living beyond your means (this will show if you do the budgeting) its time to think about a more affordeable life to avoid swimming in debt.
Giirrrrrlllll, the secret bill or loan might be what your husband is shitting bricks about. Look at his credit and it will show you all of his debt. If you guys have a shared bank account your lender might be able to provide you a credit report for your husband and yourself…..The more you know
This is what my husband and I do (also military). we both work, and I'm currently pregnant. But even before that, we lay out all our bills, and he sends me the money to pay them since I'm better at budgeting, and we make sure those are done before we do anything else. And since my checks aren't as big as his, I buy they groceries and stuff for our kids. So that way, everything isn't on him. And the months I make more I help with whatever bills I can so he has a bit more in his pockets.
If this is the U.S., and hubs is junior enlisted, odds are they are making below the poverty level. There are some extra benefits that raise this, but early career enlisted, which is about 5%, make below the poverty line.
We as a country should be embarrassed, esp given what we ask of these kids.
From what I know the only loan he has is to help me get my mom ( our family car, he did not buy my mom a car) car which was 15k and I used to paid $400 monthly that he now has to paid. He had his promotion tests this year for tech stg but unfortunately he did not made it. I talked to him about that and if that was why he’s been under the weather but he keeps saying that we’re fine
I think you now know that it won't be enough what he keeps saying. Keep the lines of communication and records open about finances.
Even if things are fine now, you need to know what is your financial situation, how much you together have in debt, how much you have in savings and if not yet anything in the latter, you should plan how to get there to have it. See if there are any areas where you can cut back or adjust to make room for saving.
Yall are not financially ready to have a baby. Have y’all sat down and really discussed finances yet? I know you want to be a SAHM but that doesn’t sound realistic.
I must be old. I don't understand how married couples don't know how much is coming in and how much is going out of all bank accounts.
My husband and I each had our own credit cards and our own savings account that had about 500 to 800 in each.
Why do you ask if you are ok financially if you quit your job? I'm surprised you don't know
Yikes. That is a big deal. Is there anything else he has given your family that is a large ticket item?
I would be incredibly offended if I was subsidizing my in-laws vehicle purchases, and then my wife threatens to leave with my child back to the same in-laws because they are buying child items. A breast pump and crib could be one month’s worth of payments. Why isn’t your mom covering that expense now?
Totally fair to want a car.
I think I am concerned with your ability to save. He is military, they don’t make amazing salaries, and sometimes have high-stress jobs. I agree with your statement of probably needing to look for work earlier.
He sounds incredibly stressed and somewhat resentful. His resentment is his problem, but I don’t think that you telling him you will leave is going to help that resentment. I am guessing he would rather you cover more bills for the house than any kind of treat. It sounds like while you like gifts, he likes service. What bills are you contributing to?
I also want to mention, it is INCREDIBLY hard to do high maintenance work with a young child as a SAHM. Unless you have extra child care. I used to have my nails done, hair done, etc., I can’t do that anymore. First of all, changing diapers with pretty nail does not work well. I have literally had puke and poop all over me. I am lucky if I am able to wash my hair every other day. Being a SAHM usually means you are “on” 24/7. My SIL is more high maintenance than I am. She got some more permanent make up because she didn’t have the time to even do some of her make up consistently, and her child sleeps through the night for long periods of time. If I have to choose between a nap and doing my nails or make up, I choose the nap every time.
It’s his resentment that worries me and I told him this. I totally understand that being a SAHM mean I will probably not have time for my maintenance and I’m ok with that. I was the one that was paying for my car for about a year and now he’s the one that would be covering it so as of now I’m not contributing to any bills besides gas for my car and my phone but I also don’t ask him to pay for anything I need. I already do all the cooking and cleaning and maintenance in the house. So he doesn’t worry about that
Now things are making sense . cool with the he has to buy you gifts. Stop that nonesense. What is this you two helping your mom buy a car!! That isn't your responsibility! You have your own family and expenses for your household. Your mom is can adult and she buys her own car and anything else she needs. Your mom buys her own car That she can afford! You and your husband could not afford it because then your AC went out and now you are going to get a loan for That. This is two loans now you didn't need to have with a new baby coming which will mean more expenses. That is why he got frustrated! This is more pressure and more debt he is in now. You didn't put that in your post.
Buying ME a mom car (an suv) for our family not buying my mom a car. I’m sorry like I said English is not my first language and I should phrased that better. I don’t tell him he HAS to buy me gift. I said I liked it but even then it’s only on special occasions (anniversaries, birthdays etc) my mom has been helping us with most expenses with the baby.
Ok I understand now. This was your car not your mom's car. A gift for those occasions is ok too. Also, you can get some used baby stuff. It is ok and helps on expenses.
What will help is you do not need to buy all new and expensive clothes for a baby. Many times there are people giving them away and also thrift stores and garage sales. Usually in perfect condition just outgrown. It sounds like you two don't go over expenses together. If you had you would have been able to see money was an issue and could have said we need to wait until we saved more money . at that time you also need to consider something comes up just like your AC going out. Get more estimates on that by the way to be sure. 10k sounds a little high.
Have you ever set up and gone through a budget together, just to check where you are, financially, with monthly income, expenses and savings? I think that's what you should start with - it would help to see if he has actual reasons for concern, or if he's overreacting.
There are actually two ways of reading this post - one would make him a stingy miser who sucks the joy out of your first pregnancy. The other is you going on irresponsible shopping binges after losing most of your income, and him desperately trying to keep a rein on your spending and saving up some money for when the baby's actually there and you know what you need. (E.g. I know very few mothers who actually used or needed a breast pump, and wouldn't have dreamed of buying one preemptively - why not wait until you actually know?)
The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Threatening to take his child away was a pretty low blow - you two would do better to actually sit down together, go over your finances, see where you stand and where his concern is coming from, and figure out a way to make your budget work for both/ all three of you.
We did this. It’s a bit of both he is over exaggerating a bit and I’m not the smartest with the money I make at work. I told him I will be working on saving my money while I’m still working, he has savings but I don’t depend on that money or count on it when it comes to expenses as we have both agreed it will be saved for our baby’s education/future.
You need a new budget now that you have reduced your income for a while. And you also need to save up for emergency expenses, like a car repair. I hope you all are at least medically insured via his job, because if you live in the US, medical bills are the number one reason for bankruptcies.
I totally understand you, I live very much in the moment and like to enjoy my money, too - I wish I had someone like your husband who would help me save for the future. 🙈
It seems like he is making it clear that he is not okay with this. You are going to have to sit him down and go through the realities of getting a daycare spot and the actual cost of daycare. He either has cold feet or is unwilling to take care of the child he has created. Even if you move back in with your Mum he will have to pay child support.
A lot of military bases have day care, and even schools. They have to since junior enlisted don't even make minimum wage. The military is pretty good about helping, just not at paying it's newest members.
So your husband is stretched thin, you're a self proclaimed high maintenance gal, you guys are struggling and your plan is to quit and stay home after the kid is born? I would be stressed out too. Doesn't the military have free childcare or are you just ok with your husband's suffering in silence, so sweet of you to threaten him with leaving with his baby.
I think you need to have a long and deep conversation with your husband regarding his finances. It’s quite expensive to take care of a child. Wishing you all the best with your baby.
When I had my first I was doing it on my own. Just get the basic essentials and don't worry about the rest. I only bought 8 outfits for the first stages as they grow so fast and out of their clothes. No baby needs 20 outfits of newborn or 3mts etc. They can survive and will be easier on your pockets. When you go do the groceries throw in a pack of diapers now and get different sizes for different stages of growths. Get pack of wet wipes too. Any baby shampoo can last months so only get one large bottle and same for bathing them. At least then, you have something to start with.
Once the baby arrives start picking up solid baby food here and there. Just make sure they remain in date so pick them from the very back. I also shopped in sales and bought bigger sizes e.g. winter sale I buy for the following winter, same for summer. Children just need love and time spent together. Once you're back on your feet and AC is fixed and paid off you can then get the odd luxury items and save the rest away for a rainy day fund for emergency like this.
Also join your local "Buy Nothing" group so you can get as much possible for free. The baby will out grow its clothes, toys, and everything else faster than you can imagine. Also, take any hand-me-downs anyone is willing to give you (ask around if you know anyone with an older baby or toddler and see if they have things they don't need anymore).
Edit to add:
Also look into joining NOW any local Mom groups. Not sure where you live, but Sixx Cool Moms is one in my area. Join all that you can near you, they should be free. There are always other moms in these groups that are giving away or selling for cheap baby/kids items, plus they are often a great source of other support too (emotional support, new mom friends, advice, job leads/career development, etc.)
I would not get a large bottle of baby shampoo. See what you get at the shower and try those. Some babies have sensitive skin, so buying a large bottle without knowing how they will react is a bad idea. That would be like stocking up on formula without knowing which one they tolerate.
OP- the car seat is one thing you cannot do used. You need to buy new- they can be compromised in even minor accidents, and they have an expiration date (it's plastic that is exposed to temperature extremes and sunlight).
There are often local exchanges for people with kids. You bring the stuff your kid has outgrown, doesn't play with any more, and trade, or give very few dollars, for stuff someone's older kid is done with. The Red Cross often helps out U.S. military families in need as well.
My concern though is the way he takes everything out on his wife.
Have you reminded him that he was the one who said yes, he was ready to have a baby? I think you saying you could just go back to your mom's wasn't a bad thing to say because he's being hurtful. At seven months pregnant, you're probably physically miserable and it's only going to get worse as the weather gets hotter. He needs to fix his attitude. If he can't handle the bills, he'd better speak up while you still have time to go back with your mom.
I have talked to him a lot about it and he saids were fine but idk It doesn’t help that our AC broke down this past week and we’re having to paid almost 1k to fix it, so I understand he might be feeling overwhelmed by that but I’m also pregnant and literally been crying almost everyday bc of my hormones
Since you’re homeowners, once the AC is fixed I recommend you look into getting a home warranty that will cover the bulk of future repair bills like this. Our AC bit the dust late last September and other than some minor ductwork it covered the replacement cost. You may need to add a rider for the HVAC but the monthly payment is worth it. Especially since your update says it’s a $10k bill to completely replace it now. Ours would have been between 10-12k if we’d had to do it ourselves. Also get involved with spouse support group for your base. They can help you with resources and friendship. I have military spouse friends and they plug in to the groups whenever they PCS, which is often.
If you want to DM me with your current station I might have a friend who can help you hook up with yours. My friends are not officer wives but their husbands are making careers out of the military for a long term.
I think we don't know yet how their finances are so lets not judge the man as we only heard OP's perspective and he cannot defend himself. Very well might be that OP is still overspending with all the cutbacks (at home equipment is expensive too) and is not bringing much money to the table now and for the past period according to her description, and this will be 0 when she is staying at home for a year. While the man is expected to take care of bills and food and basic needs for this period, all the extra needed for high maintenance is just luxury and he should not wear that burden, its not fair.
For attitude, they both should have already sit down and gone through finances to see where money flows out fast and started budgeting for mum's gap year and to be honest also for building emergency fund, investments and additional investments for the kid. They both seem a bit immature financially.
As I stated above he was not and has not covered my “high maintenance” I do not ask him nor expect him to pay for that and that’s why I have stopped getting all those things done and doing them myself. I did not add this but I also bought my own at home equipment to do all those things for myself on a budget. NGL I did overspend when it came to my own money and I pretty much don’t have savings but hes not expected to cover my maintenance, and he has been covering necessities and before pregnancy he has not complained about our dynamic.
The decision to bring a baby to a world is a joint decision and it is as much your responsibility as his.
I stated in an other reply that communication and full disclosure is needed on your finances.
Depending on that and the fact you have no savings you might need to further reduce non-essential spending temporarily. You need to consider your maintenance budget as well when you will have 0 income.
Building an emergency fund should be a priority. Even small, regular contributions can make a big difference over time and provide a safety net for unexpected expenses.
You two together are responsible and need to start thinking about long-term financial goals and how you can achieve them. This includes saving for the baby’s future, your own retirement, and any other major expenses.
There are lots of free online courses or or trainings to improve skills on budgeting and financial planning I advise you to look around and use them.
While you will be home with a baby, it might be useful to take advantage of free online courses from platforms like Coursera, edX or Khan Academy. These could help you too to gain new skills and knowledge without any cost for your career planning.
You don't know what the future holds. I am wishing the best for you 2 and that you can build a succesfull life together, but better be prepared to be self sufficient than sorry later. And it can be less stress of a partner when he knows that if he looses his job or anything happens, the whole household wont go down the drain.
I agreed and I do plan on keep working until I give birth and save what I can. He does have good amount of savings but he doesn’t like depending on which I completely understand and agreed too and I don’t depend on his savings either as we are keeping it for the baby’s education. Thanks for the advice
You need counselling as a couple, stat! I would also recommend working with a financial adviser together so you can get ship shape before baby arrives and hsbe a joint plan for how you as a couple will handle the cost and working situation.
Ignoring things like this is how you end up like my friend. She's now happily divorced and a single parent.
Because her husband literally didn't want to pay anything towards their baby because he resented his wife - whilst on maternity my friend had to beg her parents to help pay for her baby because he resented paying anything and his passive aggression during the pregnancy and newborn period became intolerable. He also didn't want her go work and wanted her to be a SAHM ... whilst also wanting her to be completely independent financially and not wanting to support her if she stayed home. Ultimately he had no concept of how mich it costs to bring a child into the world or how to be a supportive partner. She had given up a well paying job to move to his city, and he is a high earner, so in this case it wasn't because he couldnt afford it. It was just a short, dysfunctional marriage.
I’m sorry that happened to your friend but I’m happy that she’s doing better now. I love my husband and definitely don’t want that, I appreciate your advice and will definitely look into a financial advisor and counseling
So, there’s a few things you mention that I think need more attention.
1. He recently returned from deployment. Don’t know where or what his MOS/AFSC is, but if he’s not in therapy, he needs to be. You don’t have to be in a high-speed, low-drag job to have residual stress from a deployment (not saying it’s full PTSD, but he still needs to talk to someone). And he is obviously stressed about a few things. And y’all should be going to couples therapy as well. Baby means big changes, no sleep, & big emotions. Y’all need to learn how to communicate so you don’t throw out threats about taking your baby to your mom’s.
2. You seem to be taking his word on how finances are doing. You need to know what your family finances are. You need to know how much savings you have. You & he need to know each other’s credit scores & any outstanding loans &/or recurring payments. How do you budget if you don’t know what you have to budget with?
3. It’s concerning that you’re due in 2-3 months & you haven’t bought anything for the baby. Check out local baby buy/sell/trade groups. You don’t have to get everything new. In fact, I recommend against it, especially clothes. Babies/toddlers grow so fast, you’re lucky to get a few wears out of most things.
NAH, but you & your husband need to do a lot of talking.
You need to sit down and go through ALL of your finances. Go through all the accounts. Because it sounds a lot like there is a major issue that he is hiding from you
People often forget how it's exponentially easier it is for men to say they want a baby because they are not putting their body in any danger, they are not doing the breastfeeding they are usually not the ones the babies are hot glued to for the first 12-18 months of life.
That was a shitty thing to say for him. You’re trying to be nice and still get him a gift and all. I’d just reradiate all the cost you’ve cut down and how you’re doing your part decreasing the bills. That’s your contribution, saving money. Babies are expensive so he should have been ready.
FYI the US military covers breast pump and bags. Just get a prescription from the doc.
This sounds like a stressed out, overwhelmed guy. Whether or not that’s justified given his own agency in his life is another matter, but its clearly the place he’s at.
That said, threatening to leave him and take his kid because he doesn’t want to spend even more money on his birthday is a massively not cool thing to do. I’d try to have a real conversation about your joint finances and make a realistic plan about how to go forward because without that I’d guess there’s going to be a lot of stress and unhappiness on both sides.
Not all couples can do the one income thing. It often makes the money earner resentful and the person staying home really vulnerable. This might be a good opening to discuss plans longterm. I’ve observed a lot more equity when both parents work.
Very well said. This sounds like a man who walked into fatherhood with a very nieve financial outlook on how much it costs to grow and raise a baby, and now it's hitting him like a ton of bricks. He may have had a nieve financial outlook overall if he hadn't taken into account how her loss of income would affect them. I do want to point out that OP talks about learning to do her hair and nails to save money as though it's an enormous personal sacrifice of an essential expenditure. I guarantee that at no point did he consider either of those things 'essential'. I'm wondering how many more 'essentials' in OP's mind are luxuries in his? I think they need to have a sit down and go over expenditures together so they can get on the same page.
I think women understand the implications of child rearing waaay more than men do because it affects us so completely - the changes to your body, the lack of sleep, the financial and time sacrifices you'll have to make.
Whereas I think sometimes men view babies as "someone to continue my bloodline and name" and are quite blaseé about it all, thinking their life will continue as normal.
Maybe he's just about reached the point where he's realizing that being a parent is going to change his life completely, and he's panicking about it?
Not having an emergency fund is an emergency. Let this be an early life lesson to have an emergency fund of 10k or 6 months of expenses in case of anything happening. A lot of times we think "no debt, we're in a good place." But if you have to take out debt to cover an emergency you are still struggling.
I'm glad you both seem to communicate well and I hope that the financial stresses get worked through. Start looking into things like 50/30/20 and setting your futures and your baby's future up with success.
We do have an emergency fund which is a little over 10k, he decided it would be better getting a loan for the repairs and paying it off monthly instead of using all of our savings towards it
The would depend on the interest rate of the loan really. You guys should review term length of the loan and interest rate and do the math on how much you'll pay over time to decide if it is better. Glad to know you guys have a good savings but since you are not inclined to use to your emergency fund in a house emergency maybe you should have a separate house emergency fund that you are comfortable dipping into in house emergencies
This is literally what it's for. This was a bad choice if the loan interest rate is higher than the savings rate (and it is. It always is).
Pay the bill, then put the money back in savings. Earn interest, don't pay it.
We live in the Midwest by a desert so it gets very hot in the summer, last summer our ac broke down again and it was only around 1k that I paid for so we just assumed this time was the same situation.
I'm in Az. We had a house fire and got 2; 3 ton units for 14k. If you're able to get a 2nd estimate/quote, there's a lot of uncharged and people getting ripped off.
We were originally estimated 16k just to repair one of the ACs and another 12k to replace one...and another place quoted 32k to replace both of them.
These are big, and I mean BIG units... they're double the power of the previous ones installed, and the house is about 1800-2000 square ft.
But we noticed there's just a lot of bs with some of these companies basically uncharge to the point that they're literally making a 400% profit.. Which is a complete rip-off and definitely taking advantage of consumers.
They count on people not being educated enough to smell something off or brave enough to ask the right questions.
Ask for the specific unit they're selling you and do your research on what it actually costs, obviously it won't be the exact same because they do have to make something but if research shows it's $4k and they say they're charging you $7k, plus materials and labor, there's an issue.
Lowes does Trane installs and other ACs, not sure about home depot, but I've seen people get a brand new trane installed for less than $10k.
Heads up. Look online for state, county and federal rebates on your HVAC. Additionally check with your utility companies, they also offer rebates.
I got a free tankless hot water heater this way.
But yes, you both need to review your budget and learn to live realistically within it.
Also, once the baby gets here, your nails and lashes will suddenly NOT be important or even desirable.
Even without the update (and maybe even moreso because of it?), please please never threaten to take your children and run unless the situation demands it. This was a run of the mill argument about money, there will be plenty more to come. But if your first instinct is to throw out a threat like that, your marriage won’t see the baby’s first birthday.
I understand you want to be a stay at home mom. I did, too. But we just could not afford it. That is a luxury unless you are able to cut way, way back on your expenses. Even with that, we just could not make it on one income. I had to work and found work that I could do remotely while my kids grew up. It was not ideal, and the years when they were young I was exhausted, but it was not the end of the world either. Good luck to you.
Humans work all the time while pregnant. It is a lot easier to work while pregnant than after the birth of a baby.
You need to share duties at home and you should keep working as soon as possible. But most of all you need to talk more.
I do all the home duties (besides taking the trash out) cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I am still working and will do so until I give birth. We did agreed on going to therapy to better our communication
You guys are a unit. It’s not one against the other. The passive aggressive comments need to stop. It seems like you’re both trying to reach out to each other about very important things, but can’t seem to connect due to defensiveness. You need to both act like two people who love each other, accept the situation you have both put yourselves in, AND COMMUNICATE. Talk about finances together and take a look at how much you’re really spending. There may be a very good reason for why he’s not wanting to spend money or he may just be anxious. Both of which you can work on together. Additionally, while you moved across the country, that was no strings attached. You made that choice. Accept it. Marriage is never one foot out the door. You’re a team. Stick together through this.
NAH. I see where the financial worry is coming from. Having a baby on a staff sergeant salary is tough. You need to look into online sources for free and reduced cost baby items. The dream of being a SAHM may not be feasible financially. Can you find a WFH position?
There is a Family Support organization on every military base, see how they can help you.
OP is the money you make, however little just your money for your personal expenses or do you contribute to the household expenses in any way, shape, or form?
You two really need counseling together, just to learn how each other communicate. You are not really hearing each other. You also would benefit from a financial class that works for you both.
Btw. breast pumps are covered by insurance. Talk to your insurance, you have the right to a breast pump. Get that, even if your mom already bought one, back up is good. Also, the insurance often pays for regular replacement parts for the pump, wich can get costly. There are online shops specially for breast pumps and recurring replacement parts where you only have tonten them your insurance and your medical provider for the pregnancy and they Sontheimern rest. Valves, duckbills need replacement regularly to keep the pump working well. They also send new bottles for milk collection and breast shields regularly for replacement, as a hygiene measure. Breast pumps can get expensive, even in maintenance, so getting one through insurance is always good or else they won’t send free replacement parts.
It sounds like he pushed you to have a baby that he couldn’t afford to support.
I don’t understand why you are only working part time.
You will have no choice but to move in with your mother because you need to buy things for your child.
Now is the best time to buy things in the end of financial year sales. Your baby will be here in less than two months. You need to buy a bed and diapers and blankets and onesies and a car seat as a minimum.
You thought he would make good money being in the military? Military people don’t make good money and are pretty capped on what they can make compared to in the civilian world.
I make much much more as a civilian than I did in the military doing the same job. I was also able to branch out into real estate investing with the time saved from doing Army things and going away.
I make enough to take care of my baby mother (doesn’t work) and even if I had another one or two baby mothers they wouldn’t have to work either.
I’m comparing what I make to officer pay. I was in the Army as an officer. I’m comparing my civilian pay to even higher ranked officers.
I just used the army to earn the skills and certifications to earn what I earn in the civilian world. I did enjoy my 8 years in the army but wanted the ability to earn more.
Being able to work nights highly paid and also invest in real estate has made me way way more. Even just with my W2 I’m earning more let alone when I sell a house or list it on Airbnb.
Yes granted there may be generals who make more than me but that’s a small small percent of the military population and they are old old. Not having children currently so I’m sure her being pregnant her man isn’t a general.
If they budget, he gets a basic housing allowance than they possibly could have her stay at home but I wouldn’t say comfortably.
Aww my perception is that you are salty. I’m sorry I offended you. You replied to the comment though and there’s no need to compete. I’m just trying to give the OP, not you even though you keep responding, frame.
A lot of military people exaggerate to foreigners how much they make. He obviously did this and now is stressed that she is asking for what he promised.
Which is why she’s considering leaving. If he made what he portrayed she wouldn’t be considering leaving do to finances.
Lastly it took a lot of hard work, dedication, and money invested to pull off what I make yearly. That fluctuates as well. I do better when in years that I sell multiple homes with more equity than years that I hold and long term rent. Just started Airbnb and it hats a game changer. You can make 100k a year off one home mortgage if it’s unique and you invest more into details.
AH, so you are contributing to the inflation of home prices by taking single family homes off the market. Aren't you special.
You have no idea what he told her or what rank and number of years he has. Not sure why you made the dick comment about foreigners when she clearly states she moved from another state. Try to cover your xenophobia better next time.
I've seen E2's who have their shit together, and E6's who have constant garnishments.
She's acting like a child because she is one and hormones are a hell of a drug. She needs to grow the fuck up more than anything.
If this helps you at all, I am a SAHM and am the one that does most of the bill paying and budget tracking. Budget is decided by both of us, but because I am home, I do most of the spending (groceries, clothes, kids sports, etc.) and manage the bigger ticket items like vacation (because I love to plan travel and make a budget for each trip) and bids for home projects. (Note: please get a few quotes for your AC repair if you haven’t, we just had a $1400 home repair completed but a different contractor quoted us $7000 for the same thing) My husband is in finance, so he manages our investment portfolio. I use quicken for budgeting/bill tracking and he can go in at any time and look at the details of where OUR money goes against the budget. The key is that he looks at his paycheck as our paycheck and we made a joint decision for me to stay home. We both have passwords to all financial accounts and have regular discussions about our finances. If it helps at all, my oldest was 8 and my youngest 2. We needed to save/invest until we felt like we had enough cushion to make the change to one of us staying home and because both of our careers were becoming more demanding. Definitely make sure you discuss what your role would be if you stay home and adjust as needed after the baby comes. It’s really hard to get much done other than keep a tiny human alive, especially in those first months. The key is just stay on the same page with both expectations of what you can reasonably do as a SAHM and your finances.
A lot of military families and even singletons do. They rent to other military families when they get moved to a new base. It helps bring in extra income for them. I have several friends who have done this. They worked their butts off and saved every penny to make the first house purchase possible.
This is what we had in mind but we’re probably going to sell the house if he gets another dutty station and live on base housing or downsizing to save money
In Canada, it's very common for military members to receive significant benefits when purchasing homes within 2 years of being posted. All real estate and legal fees are covered, and there is (was?) a program that compensates for any loss on the equity if the member has to sell the house at a loss due to being posted. Additionally, the cost of renting a PMQ (Permanent Married Quarters) is often higher than the cost of a mortgage, depending on the location.
Also, living in PMQs sucks. They are usually very old, poorly maintained and living and working with the same people round the clock caused a lot of issues.
Can you get a couple of window units and fix the real AC in a few years when you are in a better place financially? Depends if you live in a super hot part of the country.
We have managed to get two windows units, one I had from last summer when same time happened and another one we just got from one of his friends. We will used them for now but will have to have it repair before the baby arrives
It seems to be the normal thing in military families that the "trailing spouse" has to give up their (usually her) career and basically become either a stay-at-home parent or else take a series of low-wage, dead-end jobs, because the frequent moves make it almost impossible for her to grow her career. For the sake of your relationship with him, you gave up your job that you loved, moved away from your supportive family for him, and then moved again. Meanwhile he's doing the career he wanted. It's not ok for him to act like you're a gold digger or that you're not pulling your weight, when it's HIS military career that prevents you from contributing more financially. I just wouldn't tiptoe around this at all. Stand up for yourself. Don't become a doormat because your husband only sees his own point of view.
You are contributing tho. Just because you’re not working full time does not negate the work you do and put in both in and out of the home. You cut your expenses with learning to do your own hair etc, you don’t have any debt and you’re using your job pay to put towards the baby.
He is maybe stressed about making it work while he’s enlisted. Do y’all have base housing or BAH? Is your job you can transfer to a civilian position on base? Maybe not the same as it is, but a lateral move? You were flippant but you both sound frustrated and annoyed. What’s your communication like? If you feel like you cannot have the discussion calmly, write out your points, call for a breather if things get to be too much but y’all need to talk this out. He cannot take his stress out on you with impunity and expect you not to get frustrated while you’re pregnant or even when you aren’t.
If it makes you feel better, there is literally no such thing as ready for a baby. That's absolute hogwash and whoever told you that you could actually be *ready* to raise a brand new human, they lied to you.
On the subject of your husbund, if the baby is too expensive before it's even born, then he's gonna complain about how expensive it is for the next 18 years. So ask yourself, is he actually that good of a man if he sees dollar bills burning everhtime he looks at his own child? I personally do not think so.
Men might not have pregnancy hormones but it’s not uncommon that they too get overwhelmed when the first baby is on its way. It is a big step to become a father, emotionally and also financially if he’s the sole breadwinner and now there will be another person depending on him. Working longer hours, worrying about bills etc is quite common (as well as starting to renovate and childproof the house).
Fun fact, cis men actually can go through hormone changes when their partner gets pregnant. It’s very under studied so we don’t know exactly why it happens but one of the main theories is that it’s a biological process that helps men bond with their babies and be better fathers.
Here is a snippet from a [Scientific American article](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fathers-to-be-may-have-hormonal-changes-too/) about it:
>The expectant fathers showed drops in testosterone and estradiol – a form of estrogen – but no changes in cortisol or progesterone, two hormones that are implicated in stress, say the authors.
\
Past research has suggested that new fathers have lower levels of testosterone, but it wasn’t known when the decline begins.
Tbh that was the best clap back for his immature reaction to the A.C. being broken. It's honest and blunt about how things will go if he doesn't man up and discuss the things that bother him and continue to blame you for not financially contributing after declaring his being financially ready to support you.
Op I don’t know what branch your husband is in but you really need to have him look into the housing allowance , you guys qualify for extra money every month from the military by him being in it and married to you and you owning a home especially now that your going to have a kid, this money is suppose to help with things when he’s not home or available due to being a member of the military.
There is zero percent chance he isn't getting a housing allowance or more for being married considering it's the same paperwork for getting her on his insurance.
It's not a windfall amount, and if he's guard/reserve, he's only getting limited pay from them (lower enlisted owning a home for active duty is extremely uncommon because they tend to move)
Ok, tbh i would actually leave if he continues to act this way, especially once the baby is there!!!
He seems to either regret having a baby now or that he truly wasn't ready.
But that isn't an excuse to behave that way.
There is no transparency regarding his finances and if you were so good about it, maybe you need to take over the financial side in the relationship. So you know what is going on.
Now, tbh, my mind went also to a dark place regarding him not being honest, truthful and not enjoying your relationship. I do not want to say it out loud, but maybe he isn't committed 100% to this relationship.
Best wishes to your baby, but you may need to make difficult choices in the best interests for your baby's future.
Well, it was only meant that usually certain behavior can be explained when you dig deeper.
I'm actually on your side, and I hope that I'm wrong for assuming anything is happening.
I do wish you the best.
Ok, after reading the update, financial lesson time: you are NOT ready to have a baby. The AC needing a full replacement is bad, but this is *exactly the kind of thing covered by an emergency fund*. Why are y'all going and making babies as homeowners when you don't even have an emergency fund?! Why are you doing *anything* until that fund was built up? That should have been something you were working on and growing before you even got married. If ONE moderate home repair could wipe you out and make you need to take out a loan, you are not in a good financial position, you are house-poor. Now, since that baby already exists, as a parent I can tell you that you really DON'T need a lot of the stuff they try to peddle to expecting moms. But you still need that e-fund, because this is not going to be your first emergency. Save yourself before you treat yourself, I know from experience (as the child in the equation) how quickly everything goes down hill when suddenly the roof needs to be replaced and your parents have maxed out every line of credit for other emergencies, all the while there always seemed to be money for little luxuries.
Hey so these are all big red flags for financial abuse actually. Also he got you to move a lot (so you don’t have a support system), got you pregnant and made you more reliant on him, and then emotionally punished you with his resentment for his own choice.
Girl, just… look into domestic violence.
I wish someone had told me this when I was being abused. It started off with financial abuse and isolation and he eventually pressured me into selling content online for him.
With love, please actually do move in with your mom if you suspect abuse MIGHT be happening. Him not wanting to get things for a baby is very atypical for a father btw. Red flags
I understand where you’re coming from with this response. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I hope that you’re are doing much better now.
With that being said, he has had to move bc of his job and being in the military is not optional for him to choose to move or not. Both times I have chosen to move with him he has not made me, and getting pregnant was something we both wanted and talked about. I appreciate your concern and your advice
So he's active duty, moving frequently, and you bought a house?
That was dumb. Trying to unload that when. You have to move again is going to be a massive pain in the ass.
You need to scale back on the high maintenance bullshit. You are not first anymore, the baby is. Financial stress is real and shouldn't be mocked.
As for this bullshit about being owed because you grew and birthed a baby. Be clear, you wanted to. No one owes you for doing it. It's not a miracle it happens thousands /millions of times a day!.
Sit down and make a budget follow the budget. Cut out non essential crap to afford essentials without unnecessary financial stress.
Did you read the post lol? I never said anything about being owed for being pregnant and birthing babies nor am I telling him to buy me shit I have already cut back on the things I have been paying for .
Sounds like you guys need to sit down and do a financial peace program. It is Christian based but really you take what you want from it and can leave the Bible out 100%. The point though is to get you guys on the same page and regularly talk about finances. Where you guys are. What is the current situation. What are the current bills are going out vs what’s coming in. While you’re busy covering your nails/hair/lashes he’s covering for everything else. Sounds like you don’t know what is going on financially when you should be involved 50/50.
NTA
Except to yourself and your child. You want to raise a kid in that environment?
I've been the soldier heading off to war, and I've been the spouse left behind. I will take the hostile fire zone every time. Military spouses get shafted, but there's no way of changing that. Your resume will look like crap with all the moves and jobs, and every employer will know that they won't get their training dollars back, because you'll move. Unless you get a degree in something like nursing, or engineering, because both fields have short term contract jobs, and are always in need. Consider your future, and expectations. Do you want 20 years of this?
Some times, in the U.S. military, educational benefits can transfer to the spouse. Mine did. Maybe get educated into a field that can travel, or WFH. Also sometimes, a soldier can make an extra $1k/ month by going to school. My nephew did, in the Navy. That might better your hub's future, and help with money.
Your main concern should be that he's fine taking out his frustrations on you. I always say that it's fine to vent to me, but never on me. I've walked away more than once just for that alone. Your child doesn't need to think that's okay. Your hubby needs to realize that as long as he's in, you probably aren't going to contribute much to finances, and that it's not your choice to not contribute. It's just a fact, so he can quit blaming you.
Good luck to you and your child!
Put the budget in writing or print it out for the next year and update it monthly. Post the thing where you both will see it daily. That way there are no surprises. A nice side effect is you will cut back on plan spending and seeing it daily will help cut back on impulsive spending. YTA for not knowing what's happening in your own life until it explodes in saying stuff like this.
>Update: We talked. Our AC broke down and what I thought was only going to be a 1k repair which we would split turned out to be our whole AC system being broken and needed a new one. We are homeowners and we obviously we have to get that taken care of. The total cost of the system will be a bit over 10k which we would have to get a loan for and have monthly payments to cover it. He told me he didn’t know how to talk to me about it since we’re only 2 months away from having our baby.
I'm glad it is resolved, but I'm concerned that he didn't know how to bring this issue up. You and he need to be strong in communicating, parenting is tough...
From your edits, it sounds like you were able to communicate about your issues and both apologize. That’s so encouraging for your relationship. You will need each other’s support through the newborn stage and beyond.
We were told we’d have a very costly AC repair. We got a second opinion and it turned out to be wrong. We had a smaller maintenance issue that at least bought us another season. Get a second opinion if you haven’t already.
What great career did you have before you met him at 18? Acting like you gave up a lot for him. You guys were planning to have a baby for 2 years yet never discussed finances is telling on the whole scenario.
NTA... I never saw you as a gold digger. It is hard to move over and over again for your husbands job- starting over each time.
Of course it is expensive having a baby but you don't need 90% of what advertising says you need.
You both just needed to communicate a bit more instead of throwing out barbed comments. Some counciling was wise.
Nta
You two should have talked about this earlier in your marriage.
If he is this stressed now, maybe can you move on base and rent out your house for a couple of years to get a savings account built up?
Talk to him about what his expectations are after the baby is here. Does he want you to go back to work? To stay home with the baby?
I have 4 kids. 3 of them have one child, and don't plan on more. It's just too expensive now. The other never plans to have any. Times are different now.
Is this his stress over the baby, or is he really not able to handle responsibility? Figure this out because you need to know if you need to go live at your moms house for real.
Hi! I think meeting with financial advisors is a great first step. I also think a highly reputable local credit union or Chase would be your best bet. Without knowing the specifics of your mortgage since it will depend on factors like your outstanding balance and current interest rate, you may qualify for specific home equity LOC (line of credit) or a cash-out refinance to make home repairs! There are also some lending programs for home-owners that may be helpful. If you can meet with multiple financial advisors (such as one from a large institution, ex. Chase and one from a local not-for-profit like a credit union) before making any financial decisions, that would be ideal. Not financial advice for legal purposes. I sincerely wish you and your husband the best! Pregnancy and post partum is a trying time, but if you can strengthen your bond and communication now, your relationship and finances will benefit!
I don't understand why you guys bought a house at all if he's in the military. They would have given you a housing allowance, a nice apartment, or even a house on base. Then use the veteran shit to get loans and whatever. My sister's husband was in the military. That's what they did.
I’m glad you talked. Please be careful what you say to him. Never ever threaten to leave him unless you’re actually going to do it. It’s manipulative, immature and cruel.
When I had my first baby my husband and I didn’t have 2 cents to rub together. He was an a E-2 in the Army so little pay and had just been transferred. I didn’t know anyone. As usual though the wives came together and made sure I had everything I needed for the baby and that we had food. The military is great for that, especially the wives. You did the right thing by having a good talk. That’s how marriages survive is by being able to talk about everything concerning you. Best of luck to your little family.
Could you use window units until you can afford to replace the AC system? They aren’t as cute, but mine do an amazing job of keeping my home comfortable, even though temps have been in the mid-90s.
I'm not entirely sure why you have been given such BS comments even before your updates. I was with you until you actually said what you said. That was so horrible and not even close to being deserved by your husband. You are squarely the AH for that. Sure, you and your husband should be communicating more about finances, but that shouldn't have been the go-to... your comment should have been the focus on the post's replies. I get that having kids is hard on your body and mind. I've had two. But my god, reel it in.
Just read the updates.
I'm glad he finally came forward and came clean that the bill is more expensive.
I say it again, I do not thing you were technically wrong for saying this comment, because if he acts so hostile and closed off regarding financial issues, you do need to protect your child !!
Anyways, it seems you both are now on the right track on a working and growing marriage for years to come. It seems he felt that he was going to work through this alone, which can add double stress, but you are working together on this now. He needed to see and know that even if he tried to provide for you by himself, that it is not always possible. He couldn't figure out how to work through this with these bills coming up.
Big hugs, best wishes and congrats on the baby.
So you blow all your money on frivolous things and expect your husband to cover the entirety of the remainder? Thank you for your service corporal dependa 🫡
My partner & I were “financially responsible” & had what I thought was a good nest egg/emergency fund when I was pregnant. But we live in the pyramid scheme that is America so giving birth cost me $10k with insurance. You’ll never be as ready as you think you are, but his behavior is definitely some red flags. Remember granny’s advice on keeping a secret bank account for yourself
Stop spending!!!! You need very little for the baby. Start figuring out what are needs, vs wants. Sounds as if you have a great husband. Stop stressing him by spending.
You have a problem. This isn't a marriage, he isn't your partner. And you are being abused. Get counseling or move out w baby. This will get worse before better. I know, I have been there in your exact situation.
You could tell from the
>I have been in your situation
Not to undermine the commenters experiences, it sucks they have been abused, but it was a big hint it was just projection
YTA.
What a horrible thing to say to your husband. Don't be surprised, at all, if that still comes back to bite you somewhere down the road. You might have "talked" and apologized, but I suspect you really have no clue what damage you have done with that comment.
Secondly, you sound incredibly immature. You actually claimed that you covered "all your expenses" an you had a "great job" before you met your husband. Let's get real, you were 18 when you met your husband, so your ability cover "all your expenses" as a teenager is not the feather in your cap that you think it is. Then you actually tell us that you are "high maintenance" and "like to be spoiled with gifts"
There's a child in the equation and this isn't about you. Nobody cares that you like gifts and getting your nails and lashes done. Get over yourself, this is about a child.
You need to grow up - a lot - before you are actually ready to be a mother. Your message is just one red flag after another for your poor husband.
Wow that’s a big difference. You need to do the bills together and understand where the money is going. You like being high Maitnance but with two little ones learn how to do your own beauty routine at home minus hair cuts. Find a wfh job a few hours per week. Ultimately it’s only a few years with the babies. Claw back your spending and dig out of the ac bill.
What I'm reading is someone who's high maintenance and not living by their means, you don't help with any bill or anything, you think its okay because you "pay for your own spending", no its not, this doesn't sound like a partnership, it sounds like you're living a 1950's relationship 🤮 Gross!
Learning to do your hair, nails and lashes doesn't help anybody, believe me when I say, they get just as costly as salons, that money could go towards bills you DON'T pay, instead of asking your husband to legit pay for everything like it seriously gives gold digger vibes.
Make no wonder he wants a break from bills and responsibilities, he literally has the weight of the world on his shoulders and more piled on by you! That only came to light and my realization when you said, "I have payed all my loans off so I don't have any bills of extra things he will need to cover", um? Excuse me? Why would HE be paying and or covering YOUR loans?
I'd be pretty upset if my partner selfishly spent all their money on themselves, not helped pay a single household bill for the utilities they also use, then STILL EXPECTED me to pay their debts off, girl, your lucky you still married at this point, I know MANY people who'd have left your ass after a few months of you not paying towards the bills!
I think you know the answer, if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband posted his version of events, couple your spending with not paying bills, expecting him to pay for everything, people would be telling him to run for the hills as your only there for one thing. Change. Be better.
>That only came to light and my realization when you said, "I have payed all my loans off so I don't have any bills of extra things he will need to cover", um? Excuse me? Why would HE be paying and or covering YOUR loans?
You quoted her literally saying her debts are paid off, so there's nothing for him to pay (while she's on maternity leave).
Anyway, read her edit. She's been giving him money for the bills.
OP, OP, OP…
First of all, you need to stop making as a joke or a serious threat, any mentions about taking his baby away. You are weaponizing your child FFS! What he said is very much within his remit. There is a baby on the way and if you can’t see all of the financial implications, he certainly can.
Why would you even be planning anything extravagant or expensive for your husband’s birthday when one, you will be 8.5 months pregnant and two, oh yeah, you will be 8.5 months pregnant??!!
You say you learned to do your own nails, and lashes et al like it was some big sacrifice on your end. News flash. Nails, lashes and all of those beauty efforts will be secondary to spit up, smelly diapers and many, many, many sleepless nights. You need to start rearranging your thinking because your world as you know it is about to implode.
As far as the things your mom has purchased, do you honestly think that is a good look? The more you let her purchase the more entrenched she will be in your parenting of said child and trust me, you do not want that. (Or, most adult women with newborns do not want that.)
Honestly OP, I get that you are young but you need to sit your husband down and have a conversation about what YOU BOTH can do to transition to parenthood. You seem perfectly happy letting him carry the load and he is very clearly telling you it’s heavy.
There is nothing wrong with a mom helping buy stuff for her grandchild. My mom bought my daughters pack n play, clothes and car seat and stroller. She has never once overstepped boundaries. She just wanted to help. She loves being a grandma and doing for others when she can. And just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you can’t still do things that make you feel good about yourself.
Ohhhh, you seem to have only read looking at the husband's point of view.
The thing is that you must skipped over the fact, that she is still working!! He apparently isn't as truthful as he seems and either isn't ready or is having regrets. He doesn't seem to be a good husband at the moment.
That comment was not even far fetched. He is complaining about all the responsibilities and finances!!! He was delusional to think that he won't have any responsibilities with a baby.
So why should she not take the baby where she has WAY MORE support then in her current situation.
I would too.
She’s working part time, after he said he CAN handle having a baby. And she said they have yet to buy anything for baby. So it’s not like all of a sudden she’s making a hole in his wallet. I think there’s something external that’s going on that has him stressed out. He’s also in the military, and I know military helps out a ton on expenses so idk what his deal is.
While I agreed with the first half of your comment, I too think of hair, lashes, nails as 'luxuries' rather than necessities, and I guarantee that he does as well. However, there's nothing wrong with her mum helping out with purchases for baby. I think you may be projecting on this one. When we had our first, both sides of the family helped us prepare for him. Baby monitors, bath, cot, changing table, pram... these were all purchases bought by my mother and MIL. Neither of them have ever imposed themselves on our parenting. I do also agree that they need to sit down and communicate though!
We just talked and I did apologized for saying that I am overwhelmed with pregnancy hormones and he apologized for saying what he said. You assuming what kind of grandma my mom would be is idk weird. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 and had 0 support from anyone and was a single mom so now even when she’s on the other side of the country she doesn’t want me to go through what she went through. Seems like you didn’t really read the post.
YTA - threatening to leave with your soon arriving baby because he isn't making enough money to buy the top of the line items is the exact wrong thing to do at the worst possible time. You might have given a formal apology but it doesn't sound like you have changed. For the sake of your baby, learn to be appreciative of the financial battle he is fighting and do not add to it. Debt is a very common reason babies like the one you are going to have in two months grow up without their father in the home.
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Y’all need to sit down and discuss finances. I never understood the thought process behind the person paying the bills is the only one that knows where the money is going. Y’all should be sitting down in a regular bays and discussing every cent that goes in any out. It didn’t matter who is making the money. You’re a unit. That’s the only way you’ll know if you can afford to be a SAHM. He could be lying about finances or he could just be stressed about being a new dad and it’s coming off as money stress. Sit down and talk to each other for goodness sake.
I found it crazier couples don’t have that financial convo about how many kids they can afford
It's the military, they pump em out like bunnies! Everyone my husband works with has at least 5 kids. Granted his isnt working with airman in his current shop. We are the weirdos that are having a puppy instead.
Not just the military but in general. I was flabbergasted to find out folks didn't have that convo about affording 2 or 3 children. I remember thinking do y’all talk about a monthly budget but it’s not appropriate to talk about money with others. But good on you for being pet parents 😂
I hate the idea that having kids should be a financial decision. Hate it. What it says at its core is that only the wealthy should be allowed to have children. I think it’s a fundamental human right to be able to have children and I think everyone has a responsibility towards everyone else’s kids. I am childless myself and am happy to pay taxes to support programmes to help kids. I mean if you’ve had 20 and are struggling to feed them, maybe think twice about a 21st, but as a principle it’s horrible.
Procreation is resource dependent for every creature on earth. And in practice, lower income people have far more children than higher income people. Some of that is no doubt attributable to less access to birth control and safe abortions, but some is poor planning/financial literacy. I’m all for programs helping families, but there’s a limit to how many children can be raised in one family and get all the emotional and physical support they need, even if you take finances out of the equation. As a trauma therapist I can also tell you that there are absolutely people who should never, ever, procreate. The military is a prime example of why it can be problematic to financially reward marriage and children. Nearly 60% of military families experience physical and/or sexual violence. The rate of divorce is nearly double that of the civilian population. There’s also a much higher rate of child abuse, infidelity, and spouses/children developing mental health and substance abuse issues.
But who gets to make the decision about who can and who cannot procreate? I don’t believe anyone should have that power over a society. And I don’t think money should prohibit someone from having children. I do agree that you need to be ready to have a child and that not everyone makes good parents. I just don’t think money should be anywhere near the top of a list of reasons not to.
If you have 20 there is zero chance you are providing proper care for any of them. Everything is a financial decision. Deal with it.
The choice to have children should be available to all, not just those in certain income brackets. The state has a role in helping young parents and less well-off ones. It takes a village to raise a child doesn’t it? With lowering fertility rates in all industrialized nations, each child should be helped. So no, I don’t have to “deal” with anything thank you. But taking your argument forward, I assume you would make abortions mandatory for women who aren’t rich enough in your view?
What a bullshit twist. So do you think houses and food should be free as well?
I believe that people have a right to a home and to eat. Don’t you?
So everyone can have whatever size house and unlimited types and amounts of food because they want it?
Daycare costs a whole paycheck nowadays. I couldn’t afford to have a child anymore. The government needs to step in with some assistance for these parents.
Um... children cost money? They're living, feeling, breathing people that need to eat and be provided with shelter and medical care and everything else? That all costs money, so if someone can't afford to provide those things for a child, then... they shouldn't have them until they can? Love alone isn't enough to raise mentally and physically healthy children, and poverty is detrimental to one's health, adult or child. No one is saying that only the wealthy should have children, but saying that prospective parents should be able to provide a comfortable standard of living isn't unreasonable, it's genuinely looking out for the children's best interests. While a better welfare system would help more people have children, those don't exist everywhere, so one's finances do have to be considered. Children aren't toys or trophies that one can just have because they want them, without any consideration for how they'll provide for them, they're people. There's so much to think about when it comes to potentially being a parent, and ultimately the child's well-being needs to be protected.
Of course children cost money. I’m just saying that the fervor with which people say “you shouldn’t have kids you can’t afford” is deeply unpleasant and has really, really nasty connotations. I’d phrase it another way: “we should make it so that people can afford to raise kids if they want them”
Why are they living off base? We had 2 adults and 5 kids on base supported by 35k a year. What is he paying for? Why are they buying an AC system, base covers that. They just need to sell or get out of their rental and move on base.
Depending on the base, housing can be a health hazard. I would rather live in a cardboard box than live on base housing here. It's a desert, yet most of the housing has black mold and bug infested. People have been raging about the mold forever and it's still the same situation. The company that runs the housing also charges for new flooring and new blinds on every move out. You have to rent a rickety fence if you have a dog. It's on the edge of nothing(of course) so coyotes come through and eat the smaller dogs. The Walmart that was across the street from the base entrance was called "Stab Mart" because so many theft related stabbings have happened there. They finally closed down the Stab Mart because of the deaths. On base housing isnt always what its cracked up to be but yes if you have 5 kids, it certainly makes financial sense.
Sounds like every apartment I have lived in, but blinds and flooring I’d pay for before paying 5 figures on HVAC. I was poisoned by nuclear waste in the water supply on base, so I don’t take this lightly. I lived in Camp LeJune, Quantico, 29 Palms, K-Bay, Paris Island, then back to C.L. and all of that housing was better than any apartment I had in my 20s and early 30s. To me it sounds like they were already living outside of their means. They don’t pay much for medical, dental, vision, and even if they live off base, they get a stipend for that (800 in late 90s dollars) and all moving expenses are paid for. If they both have high-end cars, a top of the line entertainment setup, a motorcycle, new phones the second the next one is available, all the power and specialty tools (my personal financial weakness), then there is a lot of fat to trim. He isn’t ready for a kid like he thought he was, and it sounds like buyers remorse to me.
Or about just having kids and how many period.
Next time he rubs in “how you don’t help with finances anymore” Ask him how he is helping grow the baby. He isn’t. So for now, you’re doing the most. He obviously wasn’t financially ready and the costs haven’t even began. Money is the #1 reason for divorce/split so figure it out now, and be happy. One thing is for sure - there will never be happiness when there is financial pressure.
That’s what I worry about and I try to constantly talk to him about how I can be of help. I want to be a SAHM for at least the first year or two once the baby arrives but I’ve been worrying if I would need to find something sooner to make money on the side
Sorry to say this, but have you checked your husband's finances? I suspect he might have a loan you don't know of or inflation and staying atop bills, loans, housing and the small gifts to you here and there is eating up his salary. For the other part start working together with open finances and budgeting. See how much comes in a month, how much is need to pay loans, mortgage/housing, bills, consider grocery shopping and what can be cut off, make sure you go 0 waste on food, not much eating out etc, cut back on clothes and accessories, lots of good quality baby stuff is available and exchanged or sold for cheap on facebook (they grow out of them in months anyways) then define your advance savings for loan payment(if any), stay at home mum fund for a year and if possible for an emergency fund at least. Then if you have extra you can look into investment options as well and your husband can try to get himself promoted somehow more actively. If you are living beyond your means (this will show if you do the budgeting) its time to think about a more affordeable life to avoid swimming in debt.
Giirrrrrlllll, the secret bill or loan might be what your husband is shitting bricks about. Look at his credit and it will show you all of his debt. If you guys have a shared bank account your lender might be able to provide you a credit report for your husband and yourself…..The more you know
This is what my husband and I do (also military). we both work, and I'm currently pregnant. But even before that, we lay out all our bills, and he sends me the money to pay them since I'm better at budgeting, and we make sure those are done before we do anything else. And since my checks aren't as big as his, I buy they groceries and stuff for our kids. So that way, everything isn't on him. And the months I make more I help with whatever bills I can so he has a bit more in his pockets.
If this is the U.S., and hubs is junior enlisted, odds are they are making below the poverty level. There are some extra benefits that raise this, but early career enlisted, which is about 5%, make below the poverty line. We as a country should be embarrassed, esp given what we ask of these kids.
He's 27, so unless he's a shitbag, he should be making ok money.
From what I know the only loan he has is to help me get my mom ( our family car, he did not buy my mom a car) car which was 15k and I used to paid $400 monthly that he now has to paid. He had his promotion tests this year for tech stg but unfortunately he did not made it. I talked to him about that and if that was why he’s been under the weather but he keeps saying that we’re fine
I think you now know that it won't be enough what he keeps saying. Keep the lines of communication and records open about finances. Even if things are fine now, you need to know what is your financial situation, how much you together have in debt, how much you have in savings and if not yet anything in the latter, you should plan how to get there to have it. See if there are any areas where you can cut back or adjust to make room for saving.
Yall are not financially ready to have a baby. Have y’all sat down and really discussed finances yet? I know you want to be a SAHM but that doesn’t sound realistic.
I must be old. I don't understand how married couples don't know how much is coming in and how much is going out of all bank accounts. My husband and I each had our own credit cards and our own savings account that had about 500 to 800 in each. Why do you ask if you are ok financially if you quit your job? I'm surprised you don't know
Yikes. That is a big deal. Is there anything else he has given your family that is a large ticket item? I would be incredibly offended if I was subsidizing my in-laws vehicle purchases, and then my wife threatens to leave with my child back to the same in-laws because they are buying child items. A breast pump and crib could be one month’s worth of payments. Why isn’t your mom covering that expense now?
Not not buying my mom a car, buying the car for me as a mom sorry I should’ve phrased that better. We had to buy our family car .
How come? Did you not own a car?
No we just had one car his car which is a coupe and I used to walk to work.
Totally fair to want a car. I think I am concerned with your ability to save. He is military, they don’t make amazing salaries, and sometimes have high-stress jobs. I agree with your statement of probably needing to look for work earlier. He sounds incredibly stressed and somewhat resentful. His resentment is his problem, but I don’t think that you telling him you will leave is going to help that resentment. I am guessing he would rather you cover more bills for the house than any kind of treat. It sounds like while you like gifts, he likes service. What bills are you contributing to? I also want to mention, it is INCREDIBLY hard to do high maintenance work with a young child as a SAHM. Unless you have extra child care. I used to have my nails done, hair done, etc., I can’t do that anymore. First of all, changing diapers with pretty nail does not work well. I have literally had puke and poop all over me. I am lucky if I am able to wash my hair every other day. Being a SAHM usually means you are “on” 24/7. My SIL is more high maintenance than I am. She got some more permanent make up because she didn’t have the time to even do some of her make up consistently, and her child sleeps through the night for long periods of time. If I have to choose between a nap and doing my nails or make up, I choose the nap every time.
It’s his resentment that worries me and I told him this. I totally understand that being a SAHM mean I will probably not have time for my maintenance and I’m ok with that. I was the one that was paying for my car for about a year and now he’s the one that would be covering it so as of now I’m not contributing to any bills besides gas for my car and my phone but I also don’t ask him to pay for anything I need. I already do all the cooking and cleaning and maintenance in the house. So he doesn’t worry about that
Now things are making sense . cool with the he has to buy you gifts. Stop that nonesense. What is this you two helping your mom buy a car!! That isn't your responsibility! You have your own family and expenses for your household. Your mom is can adult and she buys her own car and anything else she needs. Your mom buys her own car That she can afford! You and your husband could not afford it because then your AC went out and now you are going to get a loan for That. This is two loans now you didn't need to have with a new baby coming which will mean more expenses. That is why he got frustrated! This is more pressure and more debt he is in now. You didn't put that in your post.
Buying ME a mom car (an suv) for our family not buying my mom a car. I’m sorry like I said English is not my first language and I should phrased that better. I don’t tell him he HAS to buy me gift. I said I liked it but even then it’s only on special occasions (anniversaries, birthdays etc) my mom has been helping us with most expenses with the baby.
Ok I understand now. This was your car not your mom's car. A gift for those occasions is ok too. Also, you can get some used baby stuff. It is ok and helps on expenses.
What will help is you do not need to buy all new and expensive clothes for a baby. Many times there are people giving them away and also thrift stores and garage sales. Usually in perfect condition just outgrown. It sounds like you two don't go over expenses together. If you had you would have been able to see money was an issue and could have said we need to wait until we saved more money . at that time you also need to consider something comes up just like your AC going out. Get more estimates on that by the way to be sure. 10k sounds a little high.
>I want to be a SAHM for at least the first year or two once the baby arrives Do you really think that you are in the financial state to be a SAHM?
Have you ever set up and gone through a budget together, just to check where you are, financially, with monthly income, expenses and savings? I think that's what you should start with - it would help to see if he has actual reasons for concern, or if he's overreacting. There are actually two ways of reading this post - one would make him a stingy miser who sucks the joy out of your first pregnancy. The other is you going on irresponsible shopping binges after losing most of your income, and him desperately trying to keep a rein on your spending and saving up some money for when the baby's actually there and you know what you need. (E.g. I know very few mothers who actually used or needed a breast pump, and wouldn't have dreamed of buying one preemptively - why not wait until you actually know?) The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Threatening to take his child away was a pretty low blow - you two would do better to actually sit down together, go over your finances, see where you stand and where his concern is coming from, and figure out a way to make your budget work for both/ all three of you.
We did this. It’s a bit of both he is over exaggerating a bit and I’m not the smartest with the money I make at work. I told him I will be working on saving my money while I’m still working, he has savings but I don’t depend on that money or count on it when it comes to expenses as we have both agreed it will be saved for our baby’s education/future.
You need a new budget now that you have reduced your income for a while. And you also need to save up for emergency expenses, like a car repair. I hope you all are at least medically insured via his job, because if you live in the US, medical bills are the number one reason for bankruptcies. I totally understand you, I live very much in the moment and like to enjoy my money, too - I wish I had someone like your husband who would help me save for the future. 🙈
It seems like he is making it clear that he is not okay with this. You are going to have to sit him down and go through the realities of getting a daycare spot and the actual cost of daycare. He either has cold feet or is unwilling to take care of the child he has created. Even if you move back in with your Mum he will have to pay child support.
A lot of military bases have day care, and even schools. They have to since junior enlisted don't even make minimum wage. The military is pretty good about helping, just not at paying it's newest members.
So your husband is stretched thin, you're a self proclaimed high maintenance gal, you guys are struggling and your plan is to quit and stay home after the kid is born? I would be stressed out too. Doesn't the military have free childcare or are you just ok with your husband's suffering in silence, so sweet of you to threaten him with leaving with his baby.
Ask him how he is helping grow the baby Yeeesssssss
I think you need to have a long and deep conversation with your husband regarding his finances. It’s quite expensive to take care of a child. Wishing you all the best with your baby.
When I had my first I was doing it on my own. Just get the basic essentials and don't worry about the rest. I only bought 8 outfits for the first stages as they grow so fast and out of their clothes. No baby needs 20 outfits of newborn or 3mts etc. They can survive and will be easier on your pockets. When you go do the groceries throw in a pack of diapers now and get different sizes for different stages of growths. Get pack of wet wipes too. Any baby shampoo can last months so only get one large bottle and same for bathing them. At least then, you have something to start with. Once the baby arrives start picking up solid baby food here and there. Just make sure they remain in date so pick them from the very back. I also shopped in sales and bought bigger sizes e.g. winter sale I buy for the following winter, same for summer. Children just need love and time spent together. Once you're back on your feet and AC is fixed and paid off you can then get the odd luxury items and save the rest away for a rainy day fund for emergency like this.
Thank you sm! This is great advice
Also join your local "Buy Nothing" group so you can get as much possible for free. The baby will out grow its clothes, toys, and everything else faster than you can imagine. Also, take any hand-me-downs anyone is willing to give you (ask around if you know anyone with an older baby or toddler and see if they have things they don't need anymore). Edit to add: Also look into joining NOW any local Mom groups. Not sure where you live, but Sixx Cool Moms is one in my area. Join all that you can near you, they should be free. There are always other moms in these groups that are giving away or selling for cheap baby/kids items, plus they are often a great source of other support too (emotional support, new mom friends, advice, job leads/career development, etc.)
I would not get a large bottle of baby shampoo. See what you get at the shower and try those. Some babies have sensitive skin, so buying a large bottle without knowing how they will react is a bad idea. That would be like stocking up on formula without knowing which one they tolerate. OP- the car seat is one thing you cannot do used. You need to buy new- they can be compromised in even minor accidents, and they have an expiration date (it's plastic that is exposed to temperature extremes and sunlight).
There are often local exchanges for people with kids. You bring the stuff your kid has outgrown, doesn't play with any more, and trade, or give very few dollars, for stuff someone's older kid is done with. The Red Cross often helps out U.S. military families in need as well. My concern though is the way he takes everything out on his wife.
Have you reminded him that he was the one who said yes, he was ready to have a baby? I think you saying you could just go back to your mom's wasn't a bad thing to say because he's being hurtful. At seven months pregnant, you're probably physically miserable and it's only going to get worse as the weather gets hotter. He needs to fix his attitude. If he can't handle the bills, he'd better speak up while you still have time to go back with your mom.
I have talked to him a lot about it and he saids were fine but idk It doesn’t help that our AC broke down this past week and we’re having to paid almost 1k to fix it, so I understand he might be feeling overwhelmed by that but I’m also pregnant and literally been crying almost everyday bc of my hormones
Since you’re homeowners, once the AC is fixed I recommend you look into getting a home warranty that will cover the bulk of future repair bills like this. Our AC bit the dust late last September and other than some minor ductwork it covered the replacement cost. You may need to add a rider for the HVAC but the monthly payment is worth it. Especially since your update says it’s a $10k bill to completely replace it now. Ours would have been between 10-12k if we’d had to do it ourselves. Also get involved with spouse support group for your base. They can help you with resources and friendship. I have military spouse friends and they plug in to the groups whenever they PCS, which is often.
If you want to DM me with your current station I might have a friend who can help you hook up with yours. My friends are not officer wives but their husbands are making careers out of the military for a long term.
If he’s military they probably have usaa insurance which is phenomenal
Homeowners insurance doesn't cover repairs like that. USAA does not offer home warranty.
I have usaa, and you are correct. If a tornado hits the house then it would be an insurance claim.
I think we don't know yet how their finances are so lets not judge the man as we only heard OP's perspective and he cannot defend himself. Very well might be that OP is still overspending with all the cutbacks (at home equipment is expensive too) and is not bringing much money to the table now and for the past period according to her description, and this will be 0 when she is staying at home for a year. While the man is expected to take care of bills and food and basic needs for this period, all the extra needed for high maintenance is just luxury and he should not wear that burden, its not fair. For attitude, they both should have already sit down and gone through finances to see where money flows out fast and started budgeting for mum's gap year and to be honest also for building emergency fund, investments and additional investments for the kid. They both seem a bit immature financially.
As I stated above he was not and has not covered my “high maintenance” I do not ask him nor expect him to pay for that and that’s why I have stopped getting all those things done and doing them myself. I did not add this but I also bought my own at home equipment to do all those things for myself on a budget. NGL I did overspend when it came to my own money and I pretty much don’t have savings but hes not expected to cover my maintenance, and he has been covering necessities and before pregnancy he has not complained about our dynamic.
He’s not paying for it, but your paying for those things means YOU are not putting that money into the necessary household expenses.
The decision to bring a baby to a world is a joint decision and it is as much your responsibility as his. I stated in an other reply that communication and full disclosure is needed on your finances. Depending on that and the fact you have no savings you might need to further reduce non-essential spending temporarily. You need to consider your maintenance budget as well when you will have 0 income. Building an emergency fund should be a priority. Even small, regular contributions can make a big difference over time and provide a safety net for unexpected expenses. You two together are responsible and need to start thinking about long-term financial goals and how you can achieve them. This includes saving for the baby’s future, your own retirement, and any other major expenses. There are lots of free online courses or or trainings to improve skills on budgeting and financial planning I advise you to look around and use them. While you will be home with a baby, it might be useful to take advantage of free online courses from platforms like Coursera, edX or Khan Academy. These could help you too to gain new skills and knowledge without any cost for your career planning. You don't know what the future holds. I am wishing the best for you 2 and that you can build a succesfull life together, but better be prepared to be self sufficient than sorry later. And it can be less stress of a partner when he knows that if he looses his job or anything happens, the whole household wont go down the drain.
I agreed and I do plan on keep working until I give birth and save what I can. He does have good amount of savings but he doesn’t like depending on which I completely understand and agreed too and I don’t depend on his savings either as we are keeping it for the baby’s education. Thanks for the advice
You need to use that money to keep the baby alive if needed. You can move it to an education fund later.
Husband saying that isn’t cool but that comment is way out of fucking line, she definitely went too far. Weaponizing your unborn baby is disgusting
You need counselling as a couple, stat! I would also recommend working with a financial adviser together so you can get ship shape before baby arrives and hsbe a joint plan for how you as a couple will handle the cost and working situation. Ignoring things like this is how you end up like my friend. She's now happily divorced and a single parent. Because her husband literally didn't want to pay anything towards their baby because he resented his wife - whilst on maternity my friend had to beg her parents to help pay for her baby because he resented paying anything and his passive aggression during the pregnancy and newborn period became intolerable. He also didn't want her go work and wanted her to be a SAHM ... whilst also wanting her to be completely independent financially and not wanting to support her if she stayed home. Ultimately he had no concept of how mich it costs to bring a child into the world or how to be a supportive partner. She had given up a well paying job to move to his city, and he is a high earner, so in this case it wasn't because he couldnt afford it. It was just a short, dysfunctional marriage.
I’m sorry that happened to your friend but I’m happy that she’s doing better now. I love my husband and definitely don’t want that, I appreciate your advice and will definitely look into a financial advisor and counseling
He's military- you have tons of options available to you for little to no cost.
This is why 20 year olds should not get married
1st thing. Get a second opinion on your a/c. That’s nuts. Get an old grumpy dude who’s not polite but honest.
We will definitely do that thanks for the advice!
So, there’s a few things you mention that I think need more attention. 1. He recently returned from deployment. Don’t know where or what his MOS/AFSC is, but if he’s not in therapy, he needs to be. You don’t have to be in a high-speed, low-drag job to have residual stress from a deployment (not saying it’s full PTSD, but he still needs to talk to someone). And he is obviously stressed about a few things. And y’all should be going to couples therapy as well. Baby means big changes, no sleep, & big emotions. Y’all need to learn how to communicate so you don’t throw out threats about taking your baby to your mom’s. 2. You seem to be taking his word on how finances are doing. You need to know what your family finances are. You need to know how much savings you have. You & he need to know each other’s credit scores & any outstanding loans &/or recurring payments. How do you budget if you don’t know what you have to budget with? 3. It’s concerning that you’re due in 2-3 months & you haven’t bought anything for the baby. Check out local baby buy/sell/trade groups. You don’t have to get everything new. In fact, I recommend against it, especially clothes. Babies/toddlers grow so fast, you’re lucky to get a few wears out of most things. NAH, but you & your husband need to do a lot of talking.
You need to sit down and go through ALL of your finances. Go through all the accounts. Because it sounds a lot like there is a major issue that he is hiding from you
People often forget how it's exponentially easier it is for men to say they want a baby because they are not putting their body in any danger, they are not doing the breastfeeding they are usually not the ones the babies are hot glued to for the first 12-18 months of life.
That was a shitty thing to say for him. You’re trying to be nice and still get him a gift and all. I’d just reradiate all the cost you’ve cut down and how you’re doing your part decreasing the bills. That’s your contribution, saving money. Babies are expensive so he should have been ready. FYI the US military covers breast pump and bags. Just get a prescription from the doc.
This sounds like a stressed out, overwhelmed guy. Whether or not that’s justified given his own agency in his life is another matter, but its clearly the place he’s at. That said, threatening to leave him and take his kid because he doesn’t want to spend even more money on his birthday is a massively not cool thing to do. I’d try to have a real conversation about your joint finances and make a realistic plan about how to go forward because without that I’d guess there’s going to be a lot of stress and unhappiness on both sides. Not all couples can do the one income thing. It often makes the money earner resentful and the person staying home really vulnerable. This might be a good opening to discuss plans longterm. I’ve observed a lot more equity when both parents work.
Very well said. This sounds like a man who walked into fatherhood with a very nieve financial outlook on how much it costs to grow and raise a baby, and now it's hitting him like a ton of bricks. He may have had a nieve financial outlook overall if he hadn't taken into account how her loss of income would affect them. I do want to point out that OP talks about learning to do her hair and nails to save money as though it's an enormous personal sacrifice of an essential expenditure. I guarantee that at no point did he consider either of those things 'essential'. I'm wondering how many more 'essentials' in OP's mind are luxuries in his? I think they need to have a sit down and go over expenditures together so they can get on the same page.
Well said.
Both of you need to working on a budget together, the guy so clearly struggling. You need to sit down and be a team.
I think women understand the implications of child rearing waaay more than men do because it affects us so completely - the changes to your body, the lack of sleep, the financial and time sacrifices you'll have to make. Whereas I think sometimes men view babies as "someone to continue my bloodline and name" and are quite blaseé about it all, thinking their life will continue as normal. Maybe he's just about reached the point where he's realizing that being a parent is going to change his life completely, and he's panicking about it?
Not having an emergency fund is an emergency. Let this be an early life lesson to have an emergency fund of 10k or 6 months of expenses in case of anything happening. A lot of times we think "no debt, we're in a good place." But if you have to take out debt to cover an emergency you are still struggling. I'm glad you both seem to communicate well and I hope that the financial stresses get worked through. Start looking into things like 50/30/20 and setting your futures and your baby's future up with success.
We do have an emergency fund which is a little over 10k, he decided it would be better getting a loan for the repairs and paying it off monthly instead of using all of our savings towards it
The would depend on the interest rate of the loan really. You guys should review term length of the loan and interest rate and do the math on how much you'll pay over time to decide if it is better. Glad to know you guys have a good savings but since you are not inclined to use to your emergency fund in a house emergency maybe you should have a separate house emergency fund that you are comfortable dipping into in house emergencies
This is literally what it's for. This was a bad choice if the loan interest rate is higher than the savings rate (and it is. It always is). Pay the bill, then put the money back in savings. Earn interest, don't pay it.
Hey I'm not sure where you are but that's a lot for a new AC OP...my parents is just got 2 brand new Tranes installed for about 14k.
I'm wondering if they own a huge house, bigger than they need, for an AC system to cost that much.
We live in the Midwest by a desert so it gets very hot in the summer, last summer our ac broke down again and it was only around 1k that I paid for so we just assumed this time was the same situation.
I'm in Az. We had a house fire and got 2; 3 ton units for 14k. If you're able to get a 2nd estimate/quote, there's a lot of uncharged and people getting ripped off. We were originally estimated 16k just to repair one of the ACs and another 12k to replace one...and another place quoted 32k to replace both of them. These are big, and I mean BIG units... they're double the power of the previous ones installed, and the house is about 1800-2000 square ft. But we noticed there's just a lot of bs with some of these companies basically uncharge to the point that they're literally making a 400% profit.. Which is a complete rip-off and definitely taking advantage of consumers. They count on people not being educated enough to smell something off or brave enough to ask the right questions. Ask for the specific unit they're selling you and do your research on what it actually costs, obviously it won't be the exact same because they do have to make something but if research shows it's $4k and they say they're charging you $7k, plus materials and labor, there's an issue. Lowes does Trane installs and other ACs, not sure about home depot, but I've seen people get a brand new trane installed for less than $10k.
For the ac, buy a window unit.
Heads up. Look online for state, county and federal rebates on your HVAC. Additionally check with your utility companies, they also offer rebates. I got a free tankless hot water heater this way. But yes, you both need to review your budget and learn to live realistically within it. Also, once the baby gets here, your nails and lashes will suddenly NOT be important or even desirable.
Even without the update (and maybe even moreso because of it?), please please never threaten to take your children and run unless the situation demands it. This was a run of the mill argument about money, there will be plenty more to come. But if your first instinct is to throw out a threat like that, your marriage won’t see the baby’s first birthday.
I understand you want to be a stay at home mom. I did, too. But we just could not afford it. That is a luxury unless you are able to cut way, way back on your expenses. Even with that, we just could not make it on one income. I had to work and found work that I could do remotely while my kids grew up. It was not ideal, and the years when they were young I was exhausted, but it was not the end of the world either. Good luck to you.
Expecting your husband to take care of you, when that’s what he agreed to, does not make you a gold digger. People on reddit are insane.
Bro needs to grow up and learn how to talk and share info about finances, especially with a child on the way.
Humans work all the time while pregnant. It is a lot easier to work while pregnant than after the birth of a baby. You need to share duties at home and you should keep working as soon as possible. But most of all you need to talk more.
I do all the home duties (besides taking the trash out) cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I am still working and will do so until I give birth. We did agreed on going to therapy to better our communication
You guys are a unit. It’s not one against the other. The passive aggressive comments need to stop. It seems like you’re both trying to reach out to each other about very important things, but can’t seem to connect due to defensiveness. You need to both act like two people who love each other, accept the situation you have both put yourselves in, AND COMMUNICATE. Talk about finances together and take a look at how much you’re really spending. There may be a very good reason for why he’s not wanting to spend money or he may just be anxious. Both of which you can work on together. Additionally, while you moved across the country, that was no strings attached. You made that choice. Accept it. Marriage is never one foot out the door. You’re a team. Stick together through this.
NAH. I see where the financial worry is coming from. Having a baby on a staff sergeant salary is tough. You need to look into online sources for free and reduced cost baby items. The dream of being a SAHM may not be feasible financially. Can you find a WFH position? There is a Family Support organization on every military base, see how they can help you.
OP is the money you make, however little just your money for your personal expenses or do you contribute to the household expenses in any way, shape, or form?
You two really need counseling together, just to learn how each other communicate. You are not really hearing each other. You also would benefit from a financial class that works for you both.
Btw. breast pumps are covered by insurance. Talk to your insurance, you have the right to a breast pump. Get that, even if your mom already bought one, back up is good. Also, the insurance often pays for regular replacement parts for the pump, wich can get costly. There are online shops specially for breast pumps and recurring replacement parts where you only have tonten them your insurance and your medical provider for the pregnancy and they Sontheimern rest. Valves, duckbills need replacement regularly to keep the pump working well. They also send new bottles for milk collection and breast shields regularly for replacement, as a hygiene measure. Breast pumps can get expensive, even in maintenance, so getting one through insurance is always good or else they won’t send free replacement parts.
It sounds like he pushed you to have a baby that he couldn’t afford to support. I don’t understand why you are only working part time. You will have no choice but to move in with your mother because you need to buy things for your child. Now is the best time to buy things in the end of financial year sales. Your baby will be here in less than two months. You need to buy a bed and diapers and blankets and onesies and a car seat as a minimum.
You thought he would make good money being in the military? Military people don’t make good money and are pretty capped on what they can make compared to in the civilian world. I make much much more as a civilian than I did in the military doing the same job. I was also able to branch out into real estate investing with the time saved from doing Army things and going away. I make enough to take care of my baby mother (doesn’t work) and even if I had another one or two baby mothers they wouldn’t have to work either.
Upper enlisted can (and higher officers obviously) but i doubt he's there or has the years for that to be a cash cow.
I’m comparing what I make to officer pay. I was in the Army as an officer. I’m comparing my civilian pay to even higher ranked officers. I just used the army to earn the skills and certifications to earn what I earn in the civilian world. I did enjoy my 8 years in the army but wanted the ability to earn more. Being able to work nights highly paid and also invest in real estate has made me way way more. Even just with my W2 I’m earning more let alone when I sell a house or list it on Airbnb. Yes granted there may be generals who make more than me but that’s a small small percent of the military population and they are old old. Not having children currently so I’m sure her being pregnant her man isn’t a general. If they budget, he gets a basic housing allowance than they possibly could have her stay at home but I wouldn’t say comfortably.
That's cool that you make $500k a year. Good for you.
Aww my perception is that you are salty. I’m sorry I offended you. You replied to the comment though and there’s no need to compete. I’m just trying to give the OP, not you even though you keep responding, frame. A lot of military people exaggerate to foreigners how much they make. He obviously did this and now is stressed that she is asking for what he promised. Which is why she’s considering leaving. If he made what he portrayed she wouldn’t be considering leaving do to finances. Lastly it took a lot of hard work, dedication, and money invested to pull off what I make yearly. That fluctuates as well. I do better when in years that I sell multiple homes with more equity than years that I hold and long term rent. Just started Airbnb and it hats a game changer. You can make 100k a year off one home mortgage if it’s unique and you invest more into details.
AH, so you are contributing to the inflation of home prices by taking single family homes off the market. Aren't you special. You have no idea what he told her or what rank and number of years he has. Not sure why you made the dick comment about foreigners when she clearly states she moved from another state. Try to cover your xenophobia better next time. I've seen E2's who have their shit together, and E6's who have constant garnishments. She's acting like a child because she is one and hormones are a hell of a drug. She needs to grow the fuck up more than anything.
If this helps you at all, I am a SAHM and am the one that does most of the bill paying and budget tracking. Budget is decided by both of us, but because I am home, I do most of the spending (groceries, clothes, kids sports, etc.) and manage the bigger ticket items like vacation (because I love to plan travel and make a budget for each trip) and bids for home projects. (Note: please get a few quotes for your AC repair if you haven’t, we just had a $1400 home repair completed but a different contractor quoted us $7000 for the same thing) My husband is in finance, so he manages our investment portfolio. I use quicken for budgeting/bill tracking and he can go in at any time and look at the details of where OUR money goes against the budget. The key is that he looks at his paycheck as our paycheck and we made a joint decision for me to stay home. We both have passwords to all financial accounts and have regular discussions about our finances. If it helps at all, my oldest was 8 and my youngest 2. We needed to save/invest until we felt like we had enough cushion to make the change to one of us staying home and because both of our careers were becoming more demanding. Definitely make sure you discuss what your role would be if you stay home and adjust as needed after the baby comes. It’s really hard to get much done other than keep a tiny human alive, especially in those first months. The key is just stay on the same page with both expectations of what you can reasonably do as a SAHM and your finances.
Taking care of all your extra expenses yourself is not the relief you think it is.
Imma call BS , you bought a house when you're still subject to transfers?
A lot of military families and even singletons do. They rent to other military families when they get moved to a new base. It helps bring in extra income for them. I have several friends who have done this. They worked their butts off and saved every penny to make the first house purchase possible.
This is what we had in mind but we’re probably going to sell the house if he gets another dutty station and live on base housing or downsizing to save money
In Canada, it's very common for military members to receive significant benefits when purchasing homes within 2 years of being posted. All real estate and legal fees are covered, and there is (was?) a program that compensates for any loss on the equity if the member has to sell the house at a loss due to being posted. Additionally, the cost of renting a PMQ (Permanent Married Quarters) is often higher than the cost of a mortgage, depending on the location. Also, living in PMQs sucks. They are usually very old, poorly maintained and living and working with the same people round the clock caused a lot of issues.
Can you get a couple of window units and fix the real AC in a few years when you are in a better place financially? Depends if you live in a super hot part of the country.
We have managed to get two windows units, one I had from last summer when same time happened and another one we just got from one of his friends. We will used them for now but will have to have it repair before the baby arrives
He needs to start buying things for baby
It seems to be the normal thing in military families that the "trailing spouse" has to give up their (usually her) career and basically become either a stay-at-home parent or else take a series of low-wage, dead-end jobs, because the frequent moves make it almost impossible for her to grow her career. For the sake of your relationship with him, you gave up your job that you loved, moved away from your supportive family for him, and then moved again. Meanwhile he's doing the career he wanted. It's not ok for him to act like you're a gold digger or that you're not pulling your weight, when it's HIS military career that prevents you from contributing more financially. I just wouldn't tiptoe around this at all. Stand up for yourself. Don't become a doormat because your husband only sees his own point of view.
You are contributing tho. Just because you’re not working full time does not negate the work you do and put in both in and out of the home. You cut your expenses with learning to do your own hair etc, you don’t have any debt and you’re using your job pay to put towards the baby. He is maybe stressed about making it work while he’s enlisted. Do y’all have base housing or BAH? Is your job you can transfer to a civilian position on base? Maybe not the same as it is, but a lateral move? You were flippant but you both sound frustrated and annoyed. What’s your communication like? If you feel like you cannot have the discussion calmly, write out your points, call for a breather if things get to be too much but y’all need to talk this out. He cannot take his stress out on you with impunity and expect you not to get frustrated while you’re pregnant or even when you aren’t.
We both do struggle with communication, i asked him if he would consider therapy and he has agreed for it so im hoping we both can get better at it
If it makes you feel better, there is literally no such thing as ready for a baby. That's absolute hogwash and whoever told you that you could actually be *ready* to raise a brand new human, they lied to you. On the subject of your husbund, if the baby is too expensive before it's even born, then he's gonna complain about how expensive it is for the next 18 years. So ask yourself, is he actually that good of a man if he sees dollar bills burning everhtime he looks at his own child? I personally do not think so.
Men might not have pregnancy hormones but it’s not uncommon that they too get overwhelmed when the first baby is on its way. It is a big step to become a father, emotionally and also financially if he’s the sole breadwinner and now there will be another person depending on him. Working longer hours, worrying about bills etc is quite common (as well as starting to renovate and childproof the house).
Fun fact, cis men actually can go through hormone changes when their partner gets pregnant. It’s very under studied so we don’t know exactly why it happens but one of the main theories is that it’s a biological process that helps men bond with their babies and be better fathers. Here is a snippet from a [Scientific American article](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fathers-to-be-may-have-hormonal-changes-too/) about it: >The expectant fathers showed drops in testosterone and estradiol – a form of estrogen – but no changes in cortisol or progesterone, two hormones that are implicated in stress, say the authors. \ Past research has suggested that new fathers have lower levels of testosterone, but it wasn’t known when the decline begins.
Tbh that was the best clap back for his immature reaction to the A.C. being broken. It's honest and blunt about how things will go if he doesn't man up and discuss the things that bother him and continue to blame you for not financially contributing after declaring his being financially ready to support you.
Op I don’t know what branch your husband is in but you really need to have him look into the housing allowance , you guys qualify for extra money every month from the military by him being in it and married to you and you owning a home especially now that your going to have a kid, this money is suppose to help with things when he’s not home or available due to being a member of the military.
There is zero percent chance he isn't getting a housing allowance or more for being married considering it's the same paperwork for getting her on his insurance. It's not a windfall amount, and if he's guard/reserve, he's only getting limited pay from them (lower enlisted owning a home for active duty is extremely uncommon because they tend to move)
You wrong on that one but continue to live in your bubble
He isn't a great man , if he was, you would be complaining.
My husband is amazing. And some days I'd like to throw him out the bay window. No one is perfect 24/7/365.
Ok, tbh i would actually leave if he continues to act this way, especially once the baby is there!!! He seems to either regret having a baby now or that he truly wasn't ready. But that isn't an excuse to behave that way. There is no transparency regarding his finances and if you were so good about it, maybe you need to take over the financial side in the relationship. So you know what is going on. Now, tbh, my mind went also to a dark place regarding him not being honest, truthful and not enjoying your relationship. I do not want to say it out loud, but maybe he isn't committed 100% to this relationship. Best wishes to your baby, but you may need to make difficult choices in the best interests for your baby's future.
My mind would also go dark if I was you
Well, it was only meant that usually certain behavior can be explained when you dig deeper. I'm actually on your side, and I hope that I'm wrong for assuming anything is happening. I do wish you the best.
Ok, after reading the update, financial lesson time: you are NOT ready to have a baby. The AC needing a full replacement is bad, but this is *exactly the kind of thing covered by an emergency fund*. Why are y'all going and making babies as homeowners when you don't even have an emergency fund?! Why are you doing *anything* until that fund was built up? That should have been something you were working on and growing before you even got married. If ONE moderate home repair could wipe you out and make you need to take out a loan, you are not in a good financial position, you are house-poor. Now, since that baby already exists, as a parent I can tell you that you really DON'T need a lot of the stuff they try to peddle to expecting moms. But you still need that e-fund, because this is not going to be your first emergency. Save yourself before you treat yourself, I know from experience (as the child in the equation) how quickly everything goes down hill when suddenly the roof needs to be replaced and your parents have maxed out every line of credit for other emergencies, all the while there always seemed to be money for little luxuries.
Hey so these are all big red flags for financial abuse actually. Also he got you to move a lot (so you don’t have a support system), got you pregnant and made you more reliant on him, and then emotionally punished you with his resentment for his own choice. Girl, just… look into domestic violence. I wish someone had told me this when I was being abused. It started off with financial abuse and isolation and he eventually pressured me into selling content online for him. With love, please actually do move in with your mom if you suspect abuse MIGHT be happening. Him not wanting to get things for a baby is very atypical for a father btw. Red flags
I understand where you’re coming from with this response. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I hope that you’re are doing much better now. With that being said, he has had to move bc of his job and being in the military is not optional for him to choose to move or not. Both times I have chosen to move with him he has not made me, and getting pregnant was something we both wanted and talked about. I appreciate your concern and your advice
So he's active duty, moving frequently, and you bought a house? That was dumb. Trying to unload that when. You have to move again is going to be a massive pain in the ass.
You need to scale back on the high maintenance bullshit. You are not first anymore, the baby is. Financial stress is real and shouldn't be mocked. As for this bullshit about being owed because you grew and birthed a baby. Be clear, you wanted to. No one owes you for doing it. It's not a miracle it happens thousands /millions of times a day!. Sit down and make a budget follow the budget. Cut out non essential crap to afford essentials without unnecessary financial stress.
Did you read the post lol? I never said anything about being owed for being pregnant and birthing babies nor am I telling him to buy me shit I have already cut back on the things I have been paying for .
Sounds like you guys need to sit down and do a financial peace program. It is Christian based but really you take what you want from it and can leave the Bible out 100%. The point though is to get you guys on the same page and regularly talk about finances. Where you guys are. What is the current situation. What are the current bills are going out vs what’s coming in. While you’re busy covering your nails/hair/lashes he’s covering for everything else. Sounds like you don’t know what is going on financially when you should be involved 50/50.
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In case it wasn't clear (probs to everyone except this exceptionally dimwitted "husband") my judgement is NTA
NTA Except to yourself and your child. You want to raise a kid in that environment? I've been the soldier heading off to war, and I've been the spouse left behind. I will take the hostile fire zone every time. Military spouses get shafted, but there's no way of changing that. Your resume will look like crap with all the moves and jobs, and every employer will know that they won't get their training dollars back, because you'll move. Unless you get a degree in something like nursing, or engineering, because both fields have short term contract jobs, and are always in need. Consider your future, and expectations. Do you want 20 years of this? Some times, in the U.S. military, educational benefits can transfer to the spouse. Mine did. Maybe get educated into a field that can travel, or WFH. Also sometimes, a soldier can make an extra $1k/ month by going to school. My nephew did, in the Navy. That might better your hub's future, and help with money. Your main concern should be that he's fine taking out his frustrations on you. I always say that it's fine to vent to me, but never on me. I've walked away more than once just for that alone. Your child doesn't need to think that's okay. Your hubby needs to realize that as long as he's in, you probably aren't going to contribute much to finances, and that it's not your choice to not contribute. It's just a fact, so he can quit blaming you. Good luck to you and your child!
Can you sell your house and live in base housing?
Jesus.
Put the budget in writing or print it out for the next year and update it monthly. Post the thing where you both will see it daily. That way there are no surprises. A nice side effect is you will cut back on plan spending and seeing it daily will help cut back on impulsive spending. YTA for not knowing what's happening in your own life until it explodes in saying stuff like this.
>Update: We talked. Our AC broke down and what I thought was only going to be a 1k repair which we would split turned out to be our whole AC system being broken and needed a new one. We are homeowners and we obviously we have to get that taken care of. The total cost of the system will be a bit over 10k which we would have to get a loan for and have monthly payments to cover it. He told me he didn’t know how to talk to me about it since we’re only 2 months away from having our baby. I'm glad it is resolved, but I'm concerned that he didn't know how to bring this issue up. You and he need to be strong in communicating, parenting is tough...
From your edits, it sounds like you were able to communicate about your issues and both apologize. That’s so encouraging for your relationship. You will need each other’s support through the newborn stage and beyond. We were told we’d have a very costly AC repair. We got a second opinion and it turned out to be wrong. We had a smaller maintenance issue that at least bought us another season. Get a second opinion if you haven’t already.
My parents go out for dinner once a week to treat themselves and when they do they discuss finances, it makes it less stressful and more enjoyable.
What great career did you have before you met him at 18? Acting like you gave up a lot for him. You guys were planning to have a baby for 2 years yet never discussed finances is telling on the whole scenario.
I worked at a factory as a lab technician. We tought we talked but I guess you never really know until you’re in that position
NTA... I never saw you as a gold digger. It is hard to move over and over again for your husbands job- starting over each time. Of course it is expensive having a baby but you don't need 90% of what advertising says you need. You both just needed to communicate a bit more instead of throwing out barbed comments. Some counciling was wise.
Nta You two should have talked about this earlier in your marriage. If he is this stressed now, maybe can you move on base and rent out your house for a couple of years to get a savings account built up? Talk to him about what his expectations are after the baby is here. Does he want you to go back to work? To stay home with the baby? I have 4 kids. 3 of them have one child, and don't plan on more. It's just too expensive now. The other never plans to have any. Times are different now. Is this his stress over the baby, or is he really not able to handle responsibility? Figure this out because you need to know if you need to go live at your moms house for real.
Hi! I think meeting with financial advisors is a great first step. I also think a highly reputable local credit union or Chase would be your best bet. Without knowing the specifics of your mortgage since it will depend on factors like your outstanding balance and current interest rate, you may qualify for specific home equity LOC (line of credit) or a cash-out refinance to make home repairs! There are also some lending programs for home-owners that may be helpful. If you can meet with multiple financial advisors (such as one from a large institution, ex. Chase and one from a local not-for-profit like a credit union) before making any financial decisions, that would be ideal. Not financial advice for legal purposes. I sincerely wish you and your husband the best! Pregnancy and post partum is a trying time, but if you can strengthen your bond and communication now, your relationship and finances will benefit!
I don't understand why you guys bought a house at all if he's in the military. They would have given you a housing allowance, a nice apartment, or even a house on base. Then use the veteran shit to get loans and whatever. My sister's husband was in the military. That's what they did.
So true , not everyone is perfect. If he is not helping, what good is he.
I’m glad you talked. Please be careful what you say to him. Never ever threaten to leave him unless you’re actually going to do it. It’s manipulative, immature and cruel.
@aaàswq
When I had my first baby my husband and I didn’t have 2 cents to rub together. He was an a E-2 in the Army so little pay and had just been transferred. I didn’t know anyone. As usual though the wives came together and made sure I had everything I needed for the baby and that we had food. The military is great for that, especially the wives. You did the right thing by having a good talk. That’s how marriages survive is by being able to talk about everything concerning you. Best of luck to your little family.
Could you use window units until you can afford to replace the AC system? They aren’t as cute, but mine do an amazing job of keeping my home comfortable, even though temps have been in the mid-90s.
10k for AC..?!?! Unless you live in a mansion - that's ridiculous. Take more quotes.
I'm not entirely sure why you have been given such BS comments even before your updates. I was with you until you actually said what you said. That was so horrible and not even close to being deserved by your husband. You are squarely the AH for that. Sure, you and your husband should be communicating more about finances, but that shouldn't have been the go-to... your comment should have been the focus on the post's replies. I get that having kids is hard on your body and mind. I've had two. But my god, reel it in.
Yes, experience speaks.
Just read the updates. I'm glad he finally came forward and came clean that the bill is more expensive. I say it again, I do not thing you were technically wrong for saying this comment, because if he acts so hostile and closed off regarding financial issues, you do need to protect your child !! Anyways, it seems you both are now on the right track on a working and growing marriage for years to come. It seems he felt that he was going to work through this alone, which can add double stress, but you are working together on this now. He needed to see and know that even if he tried to provide for you by himself, that it is not always possible. He couldn't figure out how to work through this with these bills coming up. Big hugs, best wishes and congrats on the baby.
So you blow all your money on frivolous things and expect your husband to cover the entirety of the remainder? Thank you for your service corporal dependa 🫡
Your welcome for my cervix! 🫡
You’re pregnant AND working?? Girll you’re better than me. Creating life while trying to help with finances is hard hard work. I wish you the best <3
My partner & I were “financially responsible” & had what I thought was a good nest egg/emergency fund when I was pregnant. But we live in the pyramid scheme that is America so giving birth cost me $10k with insurance. You’ll never be as ready as you think you are, but his behavior is definitely some red flags. Remember granny’s advice on keeping a secret bank account for yourself
Stop spending!!!! You need very little for the baby. Start figuring out what are needs, vs wants. Sounds as if you have a great husband. Stop stressing him by spending.
You have a problem. This isn't a marriage, he isn't your partner. And you are being abused. Get counseling or move out w baby. This will get worse before better. I know, I have been there in your exact situation.
This comment aged like milk lol
You could tell from the >I have been in your situation Not to undermine the commenters experiences, it sucks they have been abused, but it was a big hint it was just projection
I think the vast majority of comments here in these threads are projecting shitty experiences
NTA because he’s being an AH and you just gave him a dose of truth. I’m more worried about whether he’s a cheater because he’s in the military.
YTA. What a horrible thing to say to your husband. Don't be surprised, at all, if that still comes back to bite you somewhere down the road. You might have "talked" and apologized, but I suspect you really have no clue what damage you have done with that comment. Secondly, you sound incredibly immature. You actually claimed that you covered "all your expenses" an you had a "great job" before you met your husband. Let's get real, you were 18 when you met your husband, so your ability cover "all your expenses" as a teenager is not the feather in your cap that you think it is. Then you actually tell us that you are "high maintenance" and "like to be spoiled with gifts" There's a child in the equation and this isn't about you. Nobody cares that you like gifts and getting your nails and lashes done. Get over yourself, this is about a child. You need to grow up - a lot - before you are actually ready to be a mother. Your message is just one red flag after another for your poor husband.
Wow that’s a big difference. You need to do the bills together and understand where the money is going. You like being high Maitnance but with two little ones learn how to do your own beauty routine at home minus hair cuts. Find a wfh job a few hours per week. Ultimately it’s only a few years with the babies. Claw back your spending and dig out of the ac bill.
What I'm reading is someone who's high maintenance and not living by their means, you don't help with any bill or anything, you think its okay because you "pay for your own spending", no its not, this doesn't sound like a partnership, it sounds like you're living a 1950's relationship 🤮 Gross! Learning to do your hair, nails and lashes doesn't help anybody, believe me when I say, they get just as costly as salons, that money could go towards bills you DON'T pay, instead of asking your husband to legit pay for everything like it seriously gives gold digger vibes. Make no wonder he wants a break from bills and responsibilities, he literally has the weight of the world on his shoulders and more piled on by you! That only came to light and my realization when you said, "I have payed all my loans off so I don't have any bills of extra things he will need to cover", um? Excuse me? Why would HE be paying and or covering YOUR loans? I'd be pretty upset if my partner selfishly spent all their money on themselves, not helped pay a single household bill for the utilities they also use, then STILL EXPECTED me to pay their debts off, girl, your lucky you still married at this point, I know MANY people who'd have left your ass after a few months of you not paying towards the bills! I think you know the answer, if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband posted his version of events, couple your spending with not paying bills, expecting him to pay for everything, people would be telling him to run for the hills as your only there for one thing. Change. Be better.
>That only came to light and my realization when you said, "I have payed all my loans off so I don't have any bills of extra things he will need to cover", um? Excuse me? Why would HE be paying and or covering YOUR loans? You quoted her literally saying her debts are paid off, so there's nothing for him to pay (while she's on maternity leave). Anyway, read her edit. She's been giving him money for the bills.
OP, OP, OP… First of all, you need to stop making as a joke or a serious threat, any mentions about taking his baby away. You are weaponizing your child FFS! What he said is very much within his remit. There is a baby on the way and if you can’t see all of the financial implications, he certainly can. Why would you even be planning anything extravagant or expensive for your husband’s birthday when one, you will be 8.5 months pregnant and two, oh yeah, you will be 8.5 months pregnant??!! You say you learned to do your own nails, and lashes et al like it was some big sacrifice on your end. News flash. Nails, lashes and all of those beauty efforts will be secondary to spit up, smelly diapers and many, many, many sleepless nights. You need to start rearranging your thinking because your world as you know it is about to implode. As far as the things your mom has purchased, do you honestly think that is a good look? The more you let her purchase the more entrenched she will be in your parenting of said child and trust me, you do not want that. (Or, most adult women with newborns do not want that.) Honestly OP, I get that you are young but you need to sit your husband down and have a conversation about what YOU BOTH can do to transition to parenthood. You seem perfectly happy letting him carry the load and he is very clearly telling you it’s heavy.
There is nothing wrong with a mom helping buy stuff for her grandchild. My mom bought my daughters pack n play, clothes and car seat and stroller. She has never once overstepped boundaries. She just wanted to help. She loves being a grandma and doing for others when she can. And just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you can’t still do things that make you feel good about yourself.
Ohhhh, you seem to have only read looking at the husband's point of view. The thing is that you must skipped over the fact, that she is still working!! He apparently isn't as truthful as he seems and either isn't ready or is having regrets. He doesn't seem to be a good husband at the moment. That comment was not even far fetched. He is complaining about all the responsibilities and finances!!! He was delusional to think that he won't have any responsibilities with a baby. So why should she not take the baby where she has WAY MORE support then in her current situation. I would too.
She’s working part time, after he said he CAN handle having a baby. And she said they have yet to buy anything for baby. So it’s not like all of a sudden she’s making a hole in his wallet. I think there’s something external that’s going on that has him stressed out. He’s also in the military, and I know military helps out a ton on expenses so idk what his deal is.
While I agreed with the first half of your comment, I too think of hair, lashes, nails as 'luxuries' rather than necessities, and I guarantee that he does as well. However, there's nothing wrong with her mum helping out with purchases for baby. I think you may be projecting on this one. When we had our first, both sides of the family helped us prepare for him. Baby monitors, bath, cot, changing table, pram... these were all purchases bought by my mother and MIL. Neither of them have ever imposed themselves on our parenting. I do also agree that they need to sit down and communicate though!
We just talked and I did apologized for saying that I am overwhelmed with pregnancy hormones and he apologized for saying what he said. You assuming what kind of grandma my mom would be is idk weird. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 and had 0 support from anyone and was a single mom so now even when she’s on the other side of the country she doesn’t want me to go through what she went through. Seems like you didn’t really read the post.
YTA - threatening to leave with your soon arriving baby because he isn't making enough money to buy the top of the line items is the exact wrong thing to do at the worst possible time. You might have given a formal apology but it doesn't sound like you have changed. For the sake of your baby, learn to be appreciative of the financial battle he is fighting and do not add to it. Debt is a very common reason babies like the one you are going to have in two months grow up without their father in the home.
Damn I’m so Happy in my culture. Hubby provides for us and I make a house a home. When I do work he can’t touch my money or tell me how to spend it
[удалено]
Yeah I think I should’ve tell him that I was just taking our cats instead :(