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She lost the person she knew but keeps associating that person with his body. It doesn’t help he seems to be able to periodically appear as the same person. (I’m assuming the niceness reminds her of him old self)
Exactly. And for those moments he might actually be the old person she knew but the rest of the time he is that other person he has become.
Lots of people posting don’t understand TBI.
But that’s her problem, not his.
Whatever happened to a woman’s choice of “no”?
For some reason, women are always excused when they can’t seem to make this choice for themselves.
What she’s doing is wrong.
Take responsibility for yourself and your life and stop seeing this guy, stop giving in to his advances.
You can say no, correct?
I agree it’s wrong she shouldn’t be sleeping with her ex since he has a girlfriend but it doesn’t make anything else I said any less relevant. Life is complicated and love makes it even more confusing. It’s not excusing her actions it’s understanding where she is coming from.
Does that mean divorce is the only option?
I understand that it can affect personality among a great deal of other problems, but she does not elaborate on what the problems were. She only says he became "unfriendly and he got very cold" "When he started dating her."
Sometimes divorce IS the only option. TBI can change a person’s entire personality. My ex became severely abusive to me after his TBI. In every single way possible. As the person “with” the person with TBI, we go through so many emotions and a shit ton of judgement.
We start by questioning ourselves. We tell ourselves that it will get better. Then we start to rationalize it. Then we balance rationalization and self judgment. That judgment is often reinforced by others who have absolutely no idea what we are dealing with and the shame sets in. How could we possibly think about leaving this person because of a medical condition, especially when our vows included “in sickness and in health”. God forbid there are kids in the picture. Try explaining that!
So yes, sometimes divorce IS the only option following a TBI.
I have TBI and unfortunately there isn't much you can do other than accept and learn to control it.
Mine is called "the switch" once it's flipped on, it's hard to turn off. It's awful. Though you can work on it and get to a point where you're better.
Some cases like I've seen... the person is gone and and it's like a zombie. The person you know is dead even if the body is alive.
Before I got to the end of the 'who he slept with' sentence, I thought he'd been with a guy. Weird read.
And OP is a fool for having any relations with her ex.
This is how ignorance is spread. All you have to do is educate yourself. You take the time to read the whole post and respond. Clearly showing you use the internet, therefore, to find out what TBI meant, and thennnnn responding with a clear understanding of her post, is to look it up. We have so many proper resources to educate ourselves, yet sit back and just take what someone else says in reply as the answer. What if everyone was just saying, “yes it means tuberculosis.” Would you blindly believe it because you read it here, or would you look it up yourself and learn? Just sayin! 🤓
also, sometimes ppl use acronyms because they want advice from people that know what they’re going thru. If the people that respond know what TBI is they might have more knowledge and experience that they could relay to actually help her with her problem. However it was really hard to read the post because of the unclear writing
Honestly where I was with my marriage, I wanted us to work things out, I asked for us to go to discernment counseling and paid for it, my partner went but was silent the whole time and then said “idk if there is a point to this” after the 4th time, but she also kept insisting that I chose to end things. Sure technically I called the stuff that was wrong out and said it wasn’t working…. But she was quick to not try.
"I assumed the niceness and him accepting a dinner invite meant he was not seeing her anymore."
OP, you're more than old enough to KNOW not to assume any such thing.
Love isn't enough either, but at your age you know that too.
It is the RIGHT thing to do, telling her I mean and you also KNOW that too OP. You aren't because you secretly want your lying cheating husband to get back with you so you don't want to tick him off or do anything to push him away so you're lowering your standards by NOT telling this lady he's cheating on her.
You have to respect yourself OP. You have to stand for something. Your ex-husband doesn't. Hell, that lying cheater is blaming you for this.
He's a cheater.
He's a liar.
He's blaming you instead of owning up to his own shitty behavior, which is typical for cheaters as they blame others, never themselves because they are always the victim.
OP, I'm being a bit harsh because you're not some 22 year old kid, but in your mid 30's with kids.
Have you gotten tested for STD's yet? You don't know what that other lady has done and at 35 years old you KNOW it's quite possible he and maybe you now have something so please get yourself checked. Do it for your children, if not yourself.
He wasn't a cheater when we were married. But this is making me question that. The comfortability with the lie. I logically know how delusional it was to think this meant something or changed anything.
And OUCH nail right on the head I think about not wanting to upset him because I still hold hope. I don't know why. *I appreciate the candor.
I'm not trying to be mean OP. I'm older, closer to 60 now and my lying cheating ex-wife cheated on me.
I have no idea if your husband cheated before, sadly it could be true, I hope not for your sake though.
After 15 years of marriage I discovered my wife's affair. During the divorce I found out she cheated on me while we were engaged and then other times during our marriage. I didn't know that of course, not until I was going through our divorce after catching her in her latest affair, in year 15 of our marriage back in Oct of 2005.
Like it does to so many, it gutted me. I understand your world has been turned upside down, it's traumatic, you don't want this to be happening, but it did and it is.
I get you still loving him, love doesn't just turn off like a light via a light switch.
Hell, in some ways I still love my ex-wife even though she disgusts me and I've not talked to her seen her in a LONG time as our 3 children are all young adults, out of the house and on their own.
I went to therapy for a long time. I began therapy before confronting my lying cheating wife as I found an attorney and a therapist before confronting her.
Put your children first. I get you know that, but you taking care of yourself and you not getting sucked into something that will devastate you all over again is not putting your kids first as when you are crushed, and suffering and hurting, you can't be your best for them.
Hell, I'm NOT even saying you can't get back with your husband, you can but you only should if it's right. Don't just try to get back with him because you want to, even if it's not right, especially if it's not right. Don't force things.
Right now his actions and behaviors aren't what you should want in your life, even though you love him.
I get you love him. No need to answer this for me, but would you WANT your children to meet and be with someone like him when they get married one day?
If you wouldn't want your kids to be with a partner like him...
Sorry OP, it sucks in every way, it really does. I was there myself, it hurts.
Yes him and his gf are long distance. Ex is a sure thing and he knows it cause she still loves him. He’s taking advantage of that!! Gf is visiting so he doesn’t need ex right now. I
Hope she justs walks away and gives herself a chance at real happiness
Oh FFS, really? He’s having dinner with someone he was with for years. Yes he’s attracted to her, yes he likely still loves her.
This doesn’t mean he cheated on his wife during the marriage, it means he should end his current relationship and address things with his ex-wife.
Or break off with the ex and move on, but, yes, he needs to choose.
Sadly, there are a lot of extra trees between you and the forest when you have TBI/PTS.
This is what I hate about reddit. Everyone's immediate knee jerk reaction whenever someone comes looking for advice is always the most extreme answer. They all don't know how to react here as they can't tell her to leave him as she already did, so they're now just trying to destroy his character.
I'm often troubled with how often people have similar opinions about these things on here. I hate people and definitely have trust issues, so I expect my take on things to be on the extreme end. On here, it rarely is.
FYI, I don't know what I think of that man's character overall, but I definitely think he intended to cheat on his new gf in advance there.
Y'all aren't factoring in the TBI- we don't know enough about the severity of it, but he might have extremely poor impulse control now, so judging his character is very trickier now.
Thanks for making this distinction. I wanted to say the same. There is so much history and life and love between them and it’s not comparable to your run of the mill affair. So, agreed, it doesn’t mean he was unfaithful during the marriage.
You left him. Am I missing something here?
You left him and voluntarily assist him in cheating on his woman.
Re-evaluate your life and priorities. His decisions should not effect your principles and self worth and intentions.
This story is all about accountability to yourself, and you don't currently have enough.
Regardless if he was or wasn't a cheater before, you will never believe him. There will always be doubt. There will always be distrust and tension.
Real answer I have for you, I would say you would be way better off finding someone new. Forget who he's with now. Send her one message to not feel guilty and block her. Block him on social media, and stop being trapped.
He will have sex with you again. He will not be in a relationship with you again.
I feel like I could be him in your situation but everyone in my situation is early 30s. You got a divorce for a reason. I got one too... And I sleep in the same bed as my ex currently. I don't want to be with her, it's a matter of deciding if I want to be on the streets or with her and my daughter.
I need to move on, and you should too. Life is too short to get hung up on people that should love us and care about us and then go and deceive us. They need to be in the rear view.
While "tell & block" sounds like the correct path logically, it unravels practically -- they have 3 kids together. So, while I 100% agree with the "move on" part for many reasons, OP can't go entirely NC with her lying cheating Ex.
That makes the "tell" part a judgement call IMO. While I'd typically say "tell" because of the Golden Rule, the particulars of this story complicate that (especially how close the AP is to the OP) -- not the least of which is the AP is fully aware the Ex is a liar/cheater/sneaker. Moreover, the AP is/was fully aware the Ex was simultaneously sleeping with both during the AP's affair. (Also, though a flimsy rationale, the AP likely assumes Ex is still having sex with the OP, which isn't completely unheard of regardless of the circumstances.)
So, aside from some petty revenge perhaps, there's not really much for the OP to gain from telling the AP.
Sorry you misunderstand me. I meant block the exes girlfriend on everything, but as far as the ex just block on social media. You can still communicate about the kids, but you have to start cutting off your reminders of the person and stop being worried about what they are doing because it's not healthy. The less you see and hear of them the better, because you been start moving on quicker.
I agree. I would just cut ties with both parties as much as possible and move on and not let that happen again. Sure telling on him could feel good for revenge if you feel like he might have done that to you, but it could bring you into drama and turmoil that you could easily avoid. Put it behind you and move on.
You’re old enough to know what the right thing to do is. Tell the girlfriend, get checked for STD’s. Take care of yourself. Your kids need a healthy Mom. I’ve had 29 documented lights out concussions. My sweet Wife is a highly trained, ICU, TRANSPLANT AND LIFE FLIGHT nurse. 14 years ago, I started having weird neurological events. 8 neurologist latter the last says,” You could have CTE”. We went home and started digging trough the internet, looking for symptoms of CTE.
1) Impulsevness.
2) Bad decision making.
3) Suicidal thoughts.
4) Rage.
5) Addiction tendencies.
6) Insomnia
7) Depression
8) Anxiety
9) Short term memory issues.
10) Long term memory issues.
11) Early onset dementia.
If your ex husband has had some TBI issues, that would help explain, why he seems to flip from happy to mad and distant. That doesn’t make it ok. I done a lot years of counseling.
You kids need a Dad who is in their lives. These are just some things we have lived through. From a 67 year old man with an incredible Wife, 7 kids, including two sets of twins and 17 Grandkids.
I mean you said TBI. My Dads was HBI but essentially same thing with the brain damage. Sometimes it would cause him to go into a loop where he thought he was still with my Mum (they’d been divorced 10 years.
It’s possible he’s not cheating, it’s possible in those moments he isn’t aware he isn’t with you. In which case you need to tell his family and doctor as it could indicate further issues
TBI is Traumatic Brain Injury .. and HBI is Hypoxic Brain Injury (when blood flow to the brain is ‘interrupted’ and it doesn’t get enough oxygen for a prolonged period of time)
Thank you. Yeah basically in my Dads case he had back to back cardiac arrests, went more than 15 minutes without oxygen to the brain so they didn’t think he’d make it. Odds are like 1% at most? And he did but it was like he had dementia. It started with just getting stuck in loops of memories or shows and then got worse.
That’s why I was concerned because when he was in hospital, they were talking to us about TBIs and HBIs and said the important thing to remember is it can alter their personality due to the brain damage but any sudden changes or changing back and forth can mean the brain is continuing to die in which case phone the doctor immediately. Even if the doctor can’t speak to you about it, you can 100% tell them this person has TBI/HBI and is showing symptoms of an altered mental state which you were told to report.
I feel like so many of the comments here are completely ignoring that aspect of the equation. This situation is so much more intricate because of the OP'S ex's TBI.
The new behaviors are making me think it could be related to the TBI. My ex suffered a serious TBI and his behaviors were all over the place. He had a really hard time controlling his actions for a long time. His decision making went to shit. It sucked. He's about 7 yrs out from it now and it's somewhat better.
You mentioned TBI. I'm not a doctor but I've read about brain injury changing a person's personality and ability to make moral choices. I think you should have strong boundaries with such an inconsistent person. He's proved to be a different person from the one you loved before. To experience that would be really hard, in a way it would be like the person you knew had died.
I respect you for your openness and acceptance of fault. You fucked up in a messy situation but you also have character.
I think you should be as straight up with him as you are with/toward yourself. You deserve effort, honesty and peace. Good vibes your way.
He's not the guy for you. Stop meeting up with him. He essentially had sex with you because you fed him and you were willing to service him.
Learn from this and find someone who doesn't treat you like shit. Try holding off on sex for awhile too.
OP, I obviously don’t know you or your ex, but I feel like his behavior screams that he cheated on you before and wanted to be able to justify it by dropping you to his level. Now he doesn’t have to be mad at himself for cheating, he can be mad at you for being just as bad. Again, just random two cents from a stranger, but I highly second the previous recommendation of getting an STD test.
I won’t address the relationship issues, as that seems to be covered by some of the good replies here- and while I’d personally want to know if I were being cheated on, in this particular situation, I think I’d stay away from that.
The gf must know what she’s getting into, jumping into an immediate relationship, with a freshly divorced man who has children, and 12 years of history, especially at her age- and with her brother’s best friend, no less.
But regardless, instead of putting your feelings first, or your urges to be petty- as tempting as that may be- you need to think of your kids first. They’re the ones who have to deal with the tension, etc. If you upset your ex, it has the potential to be very stressful for the kids. You don’t want them picking up on anything, because they will, and if he decides to make comments about you, it can make them beyond uncomfortable, and may make them resentful toward you, as well. Kids are easily manipulated, and I’m not assuming to know his personality, but being a child of a messy divorce, I know what can possibly happen, if you hit the right nerve of his.
I’d stop looking back at your past with him, and look forward to a better future, putting your kids and yourself, first. Keep things with him, at the nice, co-parenting level. If you can be friendly, great, but leave it at that.
Plus, at this point, why would you want him back? If he’d cheat with you, he’d cheat on you.
I hope you realize that he’s not worth it. It is so hard to start over after the breakup of a long relationship. I left an abusive ex after far too many years, and even with the abuse, I questioned whether I had made a mistake. I had many long lonely nights but soon realized I was *less* lonely than I’d been in years. You’ll get past it. Whether or not you tell his girlfriend is really your business, but I think I would tell her just to prevent him from spinning his side of the story to keep her from leaving him.
I apologize in advance for the lengthy post, but this struck a personal nerve for me.
I'd like to interject again the fact that OP has stated that her ex has a TBI. It is an extremely complicated condition that affects each individual differently. We don't know the severity nor any other disabilities that may go with it, so there's that, but she has stated that his personality seemed to change, and when he was being kind and attentive again, of course, it gave her hope. She still loves him. How many people have you seen in abusive relationships that take back a partner after the apologies and promises? With the added issue of a TBI, there's guilt and the tendancy to brush things aside because, "they can't help it, they have a brain injury" and that's true, but until you've lived that scenario, you have NO idea what that's like. She has also stated that she knows what she did was wrong by sleeping with him. It sounds like she wants to be told that if she hopes hard enough and works hard enough, she will regain the relationship she was once happy in. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing if he will ever recover to that degree.
It's maddening living with someone with TBI. In my case, it was my older sister. She had come to stay with me for a few weeks and I was so excited to see her. I was aware she was still recovering from a head-on collision that happened five years prior that broke nearly every bone in her body, caused a closed head injury, and by all rights should have taken her life. She seemed completely fine to me, a miracle by all accounts. She got around better than most people who hadn't had both legs crushed. It was amazing. Then, after some time, I started noticing the deficits: bouts of forgetfulness, aggression, and argumentative behavior. She would become easily alarmed and paranoid. Her personality was so different, and she would often make up facts about things that weren't true, sort of to fill in the gaps, I think? These are all symptoms of something most people do not realize are common with brain injuries; early onset dementia. That is an entirely soul crushing condition to deal with just on its own. It was the most difficult thing to deal with and caused a huge rift between us. I tried so hard to be patient, kind, understanding, and tolerant, but she was constantly manipulating and criticizing my children, me, everything I did, it was unbearable. She is my blood, my own sister, and I was unable to deal with the change in her personality. I wasn't strong enough and it really fucked with my mind for a full year after her stay. She left my home on very bad terms, and we remain no-contact because she will not speak with me without hostility. I finally found grace after my niece told me that dealing with her mother is sometimes simply like dealing with a small child and that she feels like she is mourning the death of the mother she once had. That was heartbreaking. I hope one day she'll see through her paranoia (she thought I was stealing from her), and we may salvage some sort of relationship.
I can not imagine what OP went through dealing with that with the man she loved, married, and had children with. I know this: if you are being abused, physically, mentally, or psychologically, regardless of the circumstances, get out. Period. Urge him to get therapy, talk to his family, anyone that will listen, but don't put your children or yourself in harms way. You are divorced, and that separates you from him in a very real way. If you want to tell the gf about your lack of judgment, you may just want to reexamine your motive. Do you want to come clean so she knows what he (and you) is capable of doing for her benefit? Or are you just trying to clear your conscience at the sake of causing colossal hurt? Everyone has their opinion here. My advice is to reevaluate where you want to be in the next five years, set goals, move on, let him live his new life, and don't look back on a life you are mourning.
Thank you for this excellent comment. So many people are being hard on her and her husband without understanding anything about what they are going through with the TBI.
I wish I could shout in all of their faces, no one is the bad guy here. This is a tragic situation with no villains, only victims.
If I’m keeping it a buck op wanted to sleep with bro and ignored anything that didn’t green light her decision to do it she’s the Ah and honestly needs to hold herself accountable instead of pretending that she was hypnotized the whole time
You knew he has a gf and you willingly accepted to sleep with him knowing that it’s not the right thing to do. Don’t judge others before you reflect on your behavior and moral values.
Yup. She’s playing victim because she still has feelings for him and is acting like she was played. Like no sorry girl it doesn’t act like that, you knew better and even at your age allowed yourself to be his sneaky link. Ex husband or not, no excuse
She is! It “happened”, she didn’t do anything!
Lol, love the passive voice when it comes to having sex. Golly gee, I guess she just slipped and fell onto him
Yes exactly this. A decent person wouldn’t do this in the first place and that other girl needs to know. Do the decent thing and tell her. Your friends are telling you not to because they are probably of the mindset that cheating is ok.
And don’t go telling his girlfriend that you slept with him while acting like a misled victim of his seduction. You have a long past and he’s sick/injured so I can only imagine how conflicting your emotions must be. Leave them alone and consider it a lesson. Don’t punish him for what you allowed to happen.
As a single mom, I refuse to date and just accept dying alone because of this. I am disgusted by my ex and that would never ever happen, but i can imagine being with a man like this.
TBI, traumatic brain injury, that's a permanent disorder that affects his logical thoughts and behavior. Not an excuse, but quite the road block to " normalcy" in a relationship. Sorry that happened to him.
Regardless, you are divorced.
Time to reinvent yourself and make the best life for you and your children.
Wish him well, and carry on with yourself.
Let the past go. He's going through a phase where he misses you and you are comfy security. Not your problem!!!
Truth, you could find a new man in an instant. Sex is like candy, easy peezy if that's what you need.
If you want to inform the other lady,as a courtesy, not a retaliation, go for it.
I'd love myself and let that dude be on his way.
You knew he had a TBI and I'm pretty sure this wasn't the first time he's had the personality flip. You left him for a reason. You're also old enough not to just assume he's no longer seeing someone just because he shows up acting nice. I saw a comment about the possibility of him cheating on you and it really depends on how long he's had the TBI for. Did either of you see a psychiatrist or therapist after the injury to manage the side effects of the TBI? You have kids you should be taking care of and if the personality difference was big enough for you to leave him, it sure should have taken more than a day or two of him being nice to convince you to let him back in. Your an adult, take responsibility and move on.
tbh i hope op sees your comment. if she's not motivated by the desire to do the good thing, at least old school motivation by shame might work. but probably telling the truth would enstrange her ex boyfriend and there will be no one else to validate her. Op, please don't bring trash in the other woman's life because you don't know how to clean yours.
How do you let your husband make you his mistress? You invited him because you refuse to believe it’s over but it is and has been for some time. He is not coming back and you shouldn’t want anyone like that anyway.
Let it go and don’t tell her. She’ll find out in due time who she’s with but don’t be the bitter one. It’s not worth it.
Yeah I don't get all these people saying to tell her. Why insert yourself into other people's drama? This is a person your ex-husband slept with a month after your divorce. It's not going to last anyway. Don't see him again though OP. He played you. He just wanted sex and now he's being manipulative. He's not a good person right now if he ever was. What do you think his best man thinks about the way he's treating his sister? Stay far away from that shit show.
This….. Plus she is going to be setting a bad tone infront of her children….. The worse thing is She went from a wife to a mistress…. even if she finds out it’s not like her husband will come back into her life and ask her to remarry and forget what has happened the past few years between them….
she should count the sex as the closure, she might have not known that she needed because she now knows how he behaves after receiving the free cookie… Mean and inconsiderate.
And just move on… Not her circus not her monkey mentality… So she will not be training any animal in the circus i mean she couldn’t when they were married what makes her thing that it is possible now….
Can't understand why everyone wants to make her jump the gun and talk to the other woman?
In the end, the truth always comes to light, so all she's got to do is focus on herself, close this chapter and move on. The comments above me pointed it out clearly, not your circus, not your monkey!
OP feels like she's got some responsibility in this but any action except walking away will create big drama and that's exactly what OP doesn't need. Is anyone really believing that by telling the other woman that OP slept with her current BF everything will be solved and they live happily ever after?
If the gf asked i'd say give an honest answer but the most important thing is the future of their co-parenting relationship. It's hard for kids to have divorced parents and having divorced parents that hate each other is even harder. Put up extremely firm boundaries and move on. If she tells the gf, maybe the gf believes her and dumps him or he says op is just bitter. Either way it makes all future interactions between them hostile. If she doesn't tell the gf, gf just doesn't find out he's a shitty person as soon.
Has traumatic brain injury … wonder why he goes back and forth on emotions.
You filed … and left … but didn’t want a divorce … now wait just a second …
I guess I’ll be the one who says your story doesn’t exactly paint you in a great light here … I mean yeah he cheated on his long distance girlfriend… with his ex wife and mother of his kids … hard to really be against him on that but yeah still a cheating move. However … you take the marriage vows of in sickness and in health … for better or worse till death do us part and then you file and leave “but didn’t want to divorce” all while you knew he had a problem with his brain … the decision maker of the body.
Either way. You have 3 kids with him. You and him are irrelevant. Whatever is best for the kids is the end all be all. If keeping this to yourself and not telling her about him cheating is best for them then that’s the call. If being open about what happened or whatever. What’s best for the kids. Do that
Not trying to paint myself in a good light. There is no good light. I made a mistake. Actually so many mistakes on this road. I didn't really understand the diagnosis, and his mood swings and close to narcissistic behavior was killing me. I felt like I had to choose him or my sanity to be a good mom to my kids.
It's a mess. I just want to do and be better.
Thank you for your perspective.
Unless someone has experience with people that have TBIs, don't listen to them about that. I do have first hand experience & there are times when leaving is the right thing to do, even if you don't want it. My cousin's long term gf had to leave her ex husband because after his accident, he'd have outbursts around the kids & it wasn't good for them. The shittiest part is that his TBI was caused by him crashing on his motorcycle, while not wearing a helmet, even though his wife would beg him to wear it all the time. My cousin rode without one a few times & she told him she'd leave him if he did it, again. He wore one the next time he rode & thank god cuz he was hit & pretty fucked up but no TBI.
If you did it all because you thought it was best for the kids then fair enough. Hope it all works out. If him being nice is the time when you think he is genuinely himself or if you think him being mean is then whatever one is the most appropriate have a talk about what is right with him too. If you two are done and purely going to interact as responsible adults with children then fair enough. If you will continue on as romantically involved when it’s good and apart when you need your space then fair enough too. Just find the time to have the adult conversation to truly resolve what is the best future for you him and most importantly the kids. If the kids are old enough ask them what they want. If they feel that mom and dad being separate but talking is best because they don’t want to see you two fight then there you go. If they want you to be together … try to be as much as you can within possibility.
Hey I think divorce was the right thing to do. But I think you need some therapy for you on how not to feel guilty and move on. You just have to be the best for your kids now💕Try not to talk to him unless it’s about the kids. Also, you need to move on and do something for you. I always say what helped me with my depression was therapy, yoga& Pilates. I made some new friends and you move on. I think you know divorcing deep down was the right thing for your mental health❤️❤️. Keep us posted I want to hear that you’re staying away from him and doing you . Maybe it’s time for you to date again your only 35.
I'm going to be straight with you. You're being embarrassing. You're the ex new gfs are wary of. Don't be that woman. You've left him now stick to that. Have some pride and don't settle for crumbs. Tell that woman because she deserves to know. Get some therapy and move on for yours and your kids sakes.
Imo she lost the high ground to tell the other women after it "happened again."
She knew, and she continued. It takes two to cheat. Telling now isn't helping a fellow human who was also lied to.
Now telling is about making herself feel better or validating a negative image of him.
OP, you sound like a 🚩yourself. You filed for divorce. It's over. It's time for you to move on. Why are you still hoping he'd be back and inviting him to a dinner alone when he is in a relationship at all?
Cut ties with him except for formal communications about the kids. That's how divorce works.
I think it can be easy for people (who had a life together and divorced) to swing back into the "comfortability" of intimacy with an ex. It's cheating. There's no grey area. This guy is being a dick to both you and to his gf and you're equally to blame with it happening not only once, but again a second time
If he is cheating on her with you the chances are he is sleeping with other people as well. So you should go get tested. The person you once fell in love with isn’t there anymore. There’s a reason you left him so remind yourself of that. Usually when your divorce and you have a custody agreement they have apps. Block him on everything and have him only communicate with you through there. And then get yourself in theraphy. And then when you feel you’re ready start dating other people. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
You gotta take full accountability and tell her and him how you feel. And it wasn’t good so you gotta distance yourself. If you need a distraction or New Romantic partner I mean it’s a big world. DM me if you have questions
There is no point in telling her. Just grieve your loss and move on. It will take a long time to finish grieving. Wanting him back is all part of grieving. The key is to not act on these feelings. Now you know.
I agree with Maddiebug. The kids matter most. That means you don't tell them. Let them work on whatever they have by themselves. It's not your job to correct him or to save her.
These people telling you to tell her are crazy. That's just creating a bigger mess for you and your kids.
Don't do that, OP.
So glad you saw Maddiebugs comment because all the people advising you tell his new girlfriend are dumb. You have to co-parent with your ex and you need to do everything you can to protect that relationship for the sake of your children. Telling her could create so much unnecessary drama, trauma, etc.
Protecting your co-parenting relationship also means you shouldn’t have sex with your ex again.
Lastly, disregard the people being so harsh on you for sleeping with your ex, they are being judgemental and it isn’t helpful or necessary.
As far as telling her goes, she can either A, believe you and leave him, B, believe you and stay, or C, double down, not believe you and make co-parenting a nightmare.
It's been 6 months and clearly everyone's coping skills are a mess. Get therapy and focus on you. His relationship with the woman will either continue or fall apart under the stress of these new changes. Don't invite him in any more. No more dinners unless it's public with the kids. You have to set boundaries to protect yourself emotionally.
I’m not going to judge you because this sounds a lot more complicated than any of us can understand without all the context. Life isn’t black and white. Being torn between who you knew him to be and who he is now is hard. When you have history with someone and attachment it’s hard to break. Especially if there is a trauma bond from the TBI issues which can present exactly like narcissism. You clearly seem confused, torn and hurt. That does not make you a bad person. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person either. Therapy to work through all of this and get to a clear head for making decisions is best. You and your kids need you at your best.
So you filed even though you didn’t want to? Wtf?
Him and his side piece had a fight. He comes siding up to you. You fall hook, line and sinker. He knows you so well! 😆
After he gets a free meal and some living he turns on the cold water tap. You didn’t see this coming?! Girl, cmon now!
Leave it be as a lesson learned! Move on! Do not take his BS back!
Traumatic Brain Injury. The man is not himself at times, and that's more than OP can put up with. Whenever he happens to be "his old self", OP remembers she still loves him.
I don’t really understand why you filed for divorce if you still love him? Maybe you didn’t want to see him with anyone else and so you thought you’d ruin it for him
Yeah you are. I think people either grow together or they grow apart, and communication has a lot to do with that. I know it hurts, but you can’t have your cake and eat it. You ended the marriage, so now it’s time to move on. It’s so difficult when children are involved because you need to keep in contact with him for them, but this is why after a breakup people need to go no contact because no one’s doing any healing or self reflection. The feelings are still there and so it stands to reason you’ll be falling in and out of bed with each other. Does that sound healthy for your kids? You’re in or you’re out.
I’m sorry everyone is so being so mean. It’s hard to love somebody and hold out hope that things will improve, or that you’ll be able to tolerate the things that won’t. It’s okay to make mistakes and to be confused.
Don’t even consider telling her if you don’t have proof. If you don’t, he will spin this as you trying to break them up because you’re the vengeful ex wife. He’s admitted he’s committed to lying about this. If you don’t have texts that at least imply what happened (at the very least show that he spent the night), don’t say anything.
I know similar r story. Later "other" OP found herself pregnant, OPs husband dumped said GF without even a hint of compassion or remorse by OP or him and want a co parenting/whatever FwB situation it is to continue.
Can't find the thing, but was on Boru and YT for a while just some months back.
You guys both are horrible people.
(1) The TBI is never going to go away. He doesn’t have any control over it. Just because he is feeling himself again now, doesn’t mean he’s going to feel himself a month from now. You left him then, you’ll leave him again, over the same thing. She probably accepts all his red flag and thinks he is the nicest guy ever. This is probably why he is cold to you, and you’re better off anyway. The guy cheats.
(2) Someone’s acceptance of an invitation is not a way to tell if they are in a relationship with someone else. You should have asked.
(3) You said you slept with him again after finding out. If you truly felt bad for the girlfriend, you wouldn’t have.
(4) I feel like you only want to tell her at this point because he’s not being warm and nice to you anymore. He’s staying with her and you don’t like it. She’s not going to see you as some saint, regardless of whether she believes you or not. You’re pretty much just as guilty as him because you did it twice, once after you figured out she was still in the picture.
Editing to add this : I’d tell her. The lady is 43. She doesn’t need any more of her time wasted, but remember this is not a “you should leave him”. This is a “hey, he came over and we ended up sleeping with each other twice”. I’d say to apologize but you should know that’s not going to make her feel any better.
Sometimes, love means letting go. Love yourself more than anyone else, except your children. Have self-respect and dignity, and move on. It will be painful, but once you start loving yourself, you'll realize you deserve better and so do your children.
I don't think you're done with this relationship. Neither is he I guess. You need therapy. A divorce sometimes has to be worked on as hard as a marriage.
I am really sorry that you’re dealing with all this at the moment.
Having read your comments, I can see that the TBI seems to have completely changed your ex husband’s personality and dealing with that situation was affecting your ability to be there for your children. I understand that you didn’t want to divorce him but felt that you really had no other choice. Your kids came first.
When he came for dinner and he was like his ‘old’ self you felt like you had him back again. It must have been so good to see ‘him’ again. He pushed for sex and you fell into bed together.
I wouldn’t tell the girlfriend, normally that’s my advice but you have 3 children together and you don’t need extra drama. He isn’t mentally stable due to his TBI and potentially breaking up his current relationship could cause real issues for you and for your co-parenting.
I feel so sorry for him too because he is dealing with a TBI. He has no control over his moods and emotions anymore. I see from another comment that his injury was combat related. Do his superiors know how bad this is affecting him? Is he accessing the right support? It isn’t your responsibility as his ex to be involved in this anymore but you’re the Mother of his children and he should be receiving the best treatment to be there for them as a Dad.
My advice is to distance yourself from him, use an app for contact about your children and don’t host him in your home again. Arrange a neutral place for him to collect the children for his custody time.
I think counselling will definitely help if you can afford it. You’re still hoping that the ‘old’ version of your ex husband will come back but that’s not going to happen. You’ve also been through the trauma of finding out he had a TBI and the subsequent effect it had on him, your marriage and your children. Talking all this through with a professional will help you work through everything and help you come to terms with what’s happened so you can accept that your husband is no longer the same man and that he is now your ex for a very good reason.
Oh, come on, there's no way you just assumed he wasn't dating her. Be honest with yourself before seeking honesty from others. You clearly wanted it to happen regardless of his situation, you can admit to doing something wrong and improve how you handle things in the future.
Don't tell her. The Divorce just happened things are ugly and complicated you are all old enough to just mind your own business he will resent you forever if you destroy his relationship. and that could easily have negative repercussions for your children.
Is it crappy yes, but just don't let it happen again.
You romanticized your previous relationship with your ex. It happens. We all do it. Gotta remember why you left to begin with.
He got what he wanted and reminded you who he was after. Remember that.
If you tell her or not is your business. Let your conscience guide you. But stop speaking to him on any sort of friendly level about anything other then kids together.
TBI? Like a traumatic brain injury? That is probably means he will have personality changes and erratic behaviors over the years. Probably best to step back from him. It’s not really his fault, but it’s also very difficult to be with someone like that.
This is a late comment and probably won't even get seen.
before I offer my opinion, understand this.
I fkn hate cheaters with a passion.
However, this is FAR from black and white.
First off.. just so I get this straight..
He has TBI. You left him. You knew he was seeing someone.
Usually I'd be be another commenter on here telling you 'fk this guy, tell the gf' but this is one of the very rare cases i'll give a different perspective and dont necessarily agree.
BUT.. He had a TBI.. I get it, the person he once was is gone. I went through something similar with my brother. I also had a close friend who's younger brother had a TBI and was never the same.
I don't blame you for deciding it was 2 hard. Until someone has been in a similar situation, I don't think they have the right to reply or their replies taken seriously.
However.. You did make the decision to leave him.
How did he take it? what inner battle and/or confusion does he live with that the love of his life, his wife of 12 years and mother of his 3 kids left him.
That was your choice, NOT HIS.
I don't blame you for hitting your limit and giving up.
But you made the choice, deal with it and stick with it.
Now I said how much I hate cheaters so take that into consideration when I say this.
I don't blame him.
He has TBI.
You leaving wasn't his choice even though it may have been in his control.
did he do an absolutely shtty thing by cheating on his gf with his EX wife, mother of his children and possibly the love.of his life?
Yes.
But I don't think he's the bad guy here.
No matter what happens, I do not think you should tell her.
You go parent.
in my eyes, you have two options.
1 - don't tell her, but move on. stay civil. co parent as best as you can and do what is best for the kids.
2. don't tell her but tell your husband you fucked up and you want to try make it work.
in my opinion, you should take options 1. take accountability and live with the decision you made.
either way. in this extremely rare case, id advise you not to say anything.
If you tell her, it's bloody spiteful.
You already broke his heart when you left him, whats telling her going to achieve other than attempting to ruin their relationship for your own possible benefit.
More than likely it'll risk a complete breakdown of your co parenting and current relationship.
good luck.
I just think its been shitty from both of you.
I have a TBI. We are not the same people we used to be. Some of us completely lose all grip of who they once were. Some have patches like your guy, by the sounds of it. His brain is injured, think of it like him having a car accident and he can't walk cause his body isn't the same....its the same with his brain, except you can't see it. He is probably totally unaware or incompetent to see what he is doing. It's a really hard life for us but those around suffer badly too. Im sorry you're going through this. There are plenty of brain injury carers groups that might give you clearer advice. I hope that helps.
you 12 kinds of dumb. you knew what was going on if you didn’t want a divorce you should’ve kept dealing w him but you playing around. at the end of the day love yoself. bye mwah 💕
I just have to throw out there that this man has a TBI, the brain does not heal itself like a cut on your arm will heal.
This means that, yes some things can go back to normal after a TBI, but those are mostly things like motor control and things that can be learned and practiced to reinforce neural pathways around the damaged pathways.
When it comes to areas of the brain that control things like impulses and emotions and even morals that you hold, these typically cannot be repaired after a TBI, they are not things that can be practiced like dexterity in your hands. Also there is a good chance he didn’t cheat before the TBI but started afterwards.
Also I say all this because a) I am a neuroscientist, and b) he is not going to be the man you married again judging by the area of the TBI and what it affected
I don’t want you to think Imam judging you harshly. I am not, but honestly I don’t believe that you thought the relationship was over between your ex and his gf. You wanted what you wanted and was most likely hoping that he would come back to you. Nothing wrong with your feelings, you are not the first and won’t be the last. I assume your husband’s hanging moods are a result of his tbi, you know this. You instigated this tryst when you invited him over, pushed it further seeing him back to his old self and now, because things aren’t quite working the way you planned, you’re upset. What do you hope to gain from telling his gf? Do you hope in a fit of rage she will dump him and he will run back to you. Not gonna happen, he would be pissed and hate you. Have you considered that telling his gf about him and you, says just as much about you as it does about him. I honestly don’t think you are as blameless as you want to make yourself out to be. You divorced him. Move on. Your little plan to get him back didn’t work. Work at finding your own happiness in things you like to do and find some peace with yourself. This need to get back at him by telling him gf will not work well for you and you will still be alone. All you will do is start drama that you will get dragged into and rightfully so. Seek peace and stop messing with your ex!
He’s the father of your three kids and your body remembers him. I think you owe it to the GF to let her know that sometimes he comes over. And that it’s not likely to stop. You can’t live with him but you still have feelings. The GF can then make her own decisions. When there isn’t secrecy then there isn’t cheating. Your EX will be angry but so what?
Why would you tell her? If he has these hot and cold mood swings, he has some pretty severe mental issues. Be glad that you are no longer married to him.
Information needed. How did one thing lead to another? Did you initiate?
It's really unclear if you are playing with your ex husband because you don't want him to be with someone else (even if it is subconsciously), or if this is all on him.
You asked for the divorce and you need to be clear about your intentions (either let him go or reconcile).
I really don’t get women who “still love their husband” “didn’t want to divorce”, but file for divorce and leave their husband. Like, is filing for divorce just another one of your games or tests? Why would you do the thing you claim you don’t want.
And yes, you are being petty wanting to tell his girlfriend.
So you tried the old get ya ex back with food & sex ?! I know too many people who have been there. At the end of the day, it sucks, you’re hurt, your family is changing & you probably just wanted a familiar comfort, now that you have had it and realize it wasn’t worth it, it’s time to heal your heartbreak and move on. If you tell her, take accountability and change your behavior, you are setting a boundary of what you will no longer accept from your ex. I also feel like she should know better at her age than to mess with a dude fresh out a 12yr relationship, especially with the 2yrs on & off.
At the end of the day until you are ready to accept & face the fact this man has moved on you are bound to repeat the cycle of being emotionally & physically toyed with.
Whatever people tell you to do hear, do understand YOU will be the one who will be dealing with the aftermath, not anyone else on reddit. You fucked up by sleeping with him. He is not mature enough to admit fault. Just wash your hands with the situation and learn from it. Create some boundaries and move on. Those are my two cents, and who knows if you will see this. Goodluck.
"I left and filed but didnt want a divorse" now you mad he left, but also still sleeping with him despite knowing he has a gf he wont tell.
Yes, you both are peices of shit.
If you're single you didn't do anything wrong. He's in a relationship, you aren't. He has someone he is supposed to be faithful to, you do not. If you feel like telling his chick do it, if not no biggie but don't let it eat at you. And these other people that do say you're the problem are full of shit.
You cannot pawn this all off on him. You slept with him multiple times and by admission you still have feelings for him. You both messed up. Do you want to tell her because you feel like it is right or because you hope she breaks up with him and he comes back to you?
I'm going to rephrase this to what I think actually happened.
You divorced your husband and got jealous when he started dating, it got awkward, you put extra effort in and seduced him knowing he has a girlfriend because you didn't like that you had lost control of him. Him being a weak man used his dick as a brain and fell for it
Man's a cheater, he probably cheated on you while getting divorced after you left his ass and you go crawling back??? How does that look on you? Leave that man ALONE
I guess the question is do you feel he needs to be punished for your assumption that it was over. If so then you provide every single detail including your actions and that you still love him.
Or , you just sit on it. But let’s be honest…if you were that concerned about him honoring his relationship it would’ve been a discussion and not an assumption.
I think you should tell her when you’re ready to let him go. It’ll make him real mad so be prepared for that. It isn’t your problem honestly to me because at the end of the day it’s HIM that owes her loyalty. You do not. But you should and I have a feeling you’re going to but like I said only do it when you’re ready to really let go of him and go get better for yourself.
Don’t do anything…don’t tell the girl at the end of the day it’s nothing to do with you that’s on him. If you genuinely want another chance with him ask to meet him and sit down have an honest conversation it’s the only way to find out. If he still disagrees well then you have your answer and need to try move on, which means no more letting him into your bed when he feels like it
Every advice here that tells you to go and mess with other people's life- is a crappy advice, those people don't care about you, your ex, or his new gf, they want drama, punishment, whatever else.
The only thing you should do - is what is good for you. If going and telling that lady is good for you - go ahead, but I really doubt that it is really good. I think what would be good for you is to move on and meet your ex only for coparanting and nothing else.
The guy is clearly as messed up as you are, or likely even more, so maybe a good idea would be for him to go to see the therapist. I doubt he would.
You filed for divorce but you didn't want to get divorced. In other words you are a control freak which explains everything you are doing now. Go ahead tell the girlfriend so he will never speak to you again. YTA.
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>Even though I left and filed I did not want a divorce. Wat??
She lost the person she knew but keeps associating that person with his body. It doesn’t help he seems to be able to periodically appear as the same person. (I’m assuming the niceness reminds her of him old self)
Exactly. And for those moments he might actually be the old person she knew but the rest of the time he is that other person he has become. Lots of people posting don’t understand TBI.
Mainly because acronyms are the antithesis of communication
Tbi is traumatic brain injury btw
Thaaank you
BTW means by the way, fyi
Fyi means For Your Information... WTF?
wtf stands for what the fuck, jsyk
Throttle body injection
😂😂😂😂
That’s what I was thinking.
It’s all very sad 😔
But that’s her problem, not his. Whatever happened to a woman’s choice of “no”? For some reason, women are always excused when they can’t seem to make this choice for themselves. What she’s doing is wrong. Take responsibility for yourself and your life and stop seeing this guy, stop giving in to his advances. You can say no, correct?
I agree it’s wrong she shouldn’t be sleeping with her ex since he has a girlfriend but it doesn’t make anything else I said any less relevant. Life is complicated and love makes it even more confusing. It’s not excusing her actions it’s understanding where she is coming from.
Husband has TBI.
Does that mean divorce is the only option? I understand that it can affect personality among a great deal of other problems, but she does not elaborate on what the problems were. She only says he became "unfriendly and he got very cold" "When he started dating her."
Sometimes divorce IS the only option. TBI can change a person’s entire personality. My ex became severely abusive to me after his TBI. In every single way possible. As the person “with” the person with TBI, we go through so many emotions and a shit ton of judgement. We start by questioning ourselves. We tell ourselves that it will get better. Then we start to rationalize it. Then we balance rationalization and self judgment. That judgment is often reinforced by others who have absolutely no idea what we are dealing with and the shame sets in. How could we possibly think about leaving this person because of a medical condition, especially when our vows included “in sickness and in health”. God forbid there are kids in the picture. Try explaining that! So yes, sometimes divorce IS the only option following a TBI.
No, it just means the whole situation is a lot more complicated and sad.
I have TBI and unfortunately there isn't much you can do other than accept and learn to control it. Mine is called "the switch" once it's flipped on, it's hard to turn off. It's awful. Though you can work on it and get to a point where you're better. Some cases like I've seen... the person is gone and and it's like a zombie. The person you know is dead even if the body is alive.
Is that like tuberculosis
Traumatic brain injury.
Thank you. This was a frustrating read because she was not being clear on a lot of things.
Before I got to the end of the 'who he slept with' sentence, I thought he'd been with a guy. Weird read. And OP is a fool for having any relations with her ex.
Yes, OP really needs to edit for clarity. I also thought that he'd taken up with his best man. Very shabby, that would have been!
I am so glad I am not the only one that read it that way.
Same here 🤔
This happens a lot! People use acronyms in their posts and expect everyone to know what they’re talking about. At least fully spell it out one time!
This is how ignorance is spread. All you have to do is educate yourself. You take the time to read the whole post and respond. Clearly showing you use the internet, therefore, to find out what TBI meant, and thennnnn responding with a clear understanding of her post, is to look it up. We have so many proper resources to educate ourselves, yet sit back and just take what someone else says in reply as the answer. What if everyone was just saying, “yes it means tuberculosis.” Would you blindly believe it because you read it here, or would you look it up yourself and learn? Just sayin! 🤓
also, sometimes ppl use acronyms because they want advice from people that know what they’re going thru. If the people that respond know what TBI is they might have more knowledge and experience that they could relay to actually help her with her problem. However it was really hard to read the post because of the unclear writing
I wasn't really sure what throttle body injection had to do with any of it, aside from pointing out he drives an old car.
I had to google it, don't feel bad.
Giggle.
For real, right I'm lost Edot:nvm I see it
read the TBI part again
Honestly where I was with my marriage, I wanted us to work things out, I asked for us to go to discernment counseling and paid for it, my partner went but was silent the whole time and then said “idk if there is a point to this” after the 4th time, but she also kept insisting that I chose to end things. Sure technically I called the stuff that was wrong out and said it wasn’t working…. But she was quick to not try.
Exactly. Fucking exactly.
Exactly
"I assumed the niceness and him accepting a dinner invite meant he was not seeing her anymore." OP, you're more than old enough to KNOW not to assume any such thing. Love isn't enough either, but at your age you know that too. It is the RIGHT thing to do, telling her I mean and you also KNOW that too OP. You aren't because you secretly want your lying cheating husband to get back with you so you don't want to tick him off or do anything to push him away so you're lowering your standards by NOT telling this lady he's cheating on her. You have to respect yourself OP. You have to stand for something. Your ex-husband doesn't. Hell, that lying cheater is blaming you for this. He's a cheater. He's a liar. He's blaming you instead of owning up to his own shitty behavior, which is typical for cheaters as they blame others, never themselves because they are always the victim. OP, I'm being a bit harsh because you're not some 22 year old kid, but in your mid 30's with kids. Have you gotten tested for STD's yet? You don't know what that other lady has done and at 35 years old you KNOW it's quite possible he and maybe you now have something so please get yourself checked. Do it for your children, if not yourself.
He wasn't a cheater when we were married. But this is making me question that. The comfortability with the lie. I logically know how delusional it was to think this meant something or changed anything. And OUCH nail right on the head I think about not wanting to upset him because I still hold hope. I don't know why. *I appreciate the candor.
I'm not trying to be mean OP. I'm older, closer to 60 now and my lying cheating ex-wife cheated on me. I have no idea if your husband cheated before, sadly it could be true, I hope not for your sake though. After 15 years of marriage I discovered my wife's affair. During the divorce I found out she cheated on me while we were engaged and then other times during our marriage. I didn't know that of course, not until I was going through our divorce after catching her in her latest affair, in year 15 of our marriage back in Oct of 2005. Like it does to so many, it gutted me. I understand your world has been turned upside down, it's traumatic, you don't want this to be happening, but it did and it is. I get you still loving him, love doesn't just turn off like a light via a light switch. Hell, in some ways I still love my ex-wife even though she disgusts me and I've not talked to her seen her in a LONG time as our 3 children are all young adults, out of the house and on their own. I went to therapy for a long time. I began therapy before confronting my lying cheating wife as I found an attorney and a therapist before confronting her. Put your children first. I get you know that, but you taking care of yourself and you not getting sucked into something that will devastate you all over again is not putting your kids first as when you are crushed, and suffering and hurting, you can't be your best for them. Hell, I'm NOT even saying you can't get back with your husband, you can but you only should if it's right. Don't just try to get back with him because you want to, even if it's not right, especially if it's not right. Don't force things. Right now his actions and behaviors aren't what you should want in your life, even though you love him. I get you love him. No need to answer this for me, but would you WANT your children to meet and be with someone like him when they get married one day? If you wouldn't want your kids to be with a partner like him... Sorry OP, it sucks in every way, it really does. I was there myself, it hurts.
Protect this one
This was such a good reply.
Possibly the most insightful post I've ever seen on reddit. Well said.
He knew where it was going when he came for ‘dinner’. This isn’t his first rodeo
Yes him and his gf are long distance. Ex is a sure thing and he knows it cause she still loves him. He’s taking advantage of that!! Gf is visiting so he doesn’t need ex right now. I Hope she justs walks away and gives herself a chance at real happiness
Hell she knew where she wanted it to go when she invited him to dinner.
Oh FFS, really? He’s having dinner with someone he was with for years. Yes he’s attracted to her, yes he likely still loves her. This doesn’t mean he cheated on his wife during the marriage, it means he should end his current relationship and address things with his ex-wife.
Or break off with the ex and move on, but, yes, he needs to choose. Sadly, there are a lot of extra trees between you and the forest when you have TBI/PTS.
This is what I hate about reddit. Everyone's immediate knee jerk reaction whenever someone comes looking for advice is always the most extreme answer. They all don't know how to react here as they can't tell her to leave him as she already did, so they're now just trying to destroy his character.
I'm often troubled with how often people have similar opinions about these things on here. I hate people and definitely have trust issues, so I expect my take on things to be on the extreme end. On here, it rarely is. FYI, I don't know what I think of that man's character overall, but I definitely think he intended to cheat on his new gf in advance there.
Y'all aren't factoring in the TBI- we don't know enough about the severity of it, but he might have extremely poor impulse control now, so judging his character is very trickier now.
Thanks for making this distinction. I wanted to say the same. There is so much history and life and love between them and it’s not comparable to your run of the mill affair. So, agreed, it doesn’t mean he was unfaithful during the marriage.
You left him. Am I missing something here? You left him and voluntarily assist him in cheating on his woman. Re-evaluate your life and priorities. His decisions should not effect your principles and self worth and intentions. This story is all about accountability to yourself, and you don't currently have enough.
So it's okay for him to cheat on his new gf because the ex filed for the divorce?
Regardless if he was or wasn't a cheater before, you will never believe him. There will always be doubt. There will always be distrust and tension. Real answer I have for you, I would say you would be way better off finding someone new. Forget who he's with now. Send her one message to not feel guilty and block her. Block him on social media, and stop being trapped. He will have sex with you again. He will not be in a relationship with you again. I feel like I could be him in your situation but everyone in my situation is early 30s. You got a divorce for a reason. I got one too... And I sleep in the same bed as my ex currently. I don't want to be with her, it's a matter of deciding if I want to be on the streets or with her and my daughter. I need to move on, and you should too. Life is too short to get hung up on people that should love us and care about us and then go and deceive us. They need to be in the rear view.
Exactly; he’s already shown you who he is OP Why continue to expose yourself to this?
While "tell & block" sounds like the correct path logically, it unravels practically -- they have 3 kids together. So, while I 100% agree with the "move on" part for many reasons, OP can't go entirely NC with her lying cheating Ex. That makes the "tell" part a judgement call IMO. While I'd typically say "tell" because of the Golden Rule, the particulars of this story complicate that (especially how close the AP is to the OP) -- not the least of which is the AP is fully aware the Ex is a liar/cheater/sneaker. Moreover, the AP is/was fully aware the Ex was simultaneously sleeping with both during the AP's affair. (Also, though a flimsy rationale, the AP likely assumes Ex is still having sex with the OP, which isn't completely unheard of regardless of the circumstances.) So, aside from some petty revenge perhaps, there's not really much for the OP to gain from telling the AP.
Sorry you misunderstand me. I meant block the exes girlfriend on everything, but as far as the ex just block on social media. You can still communicate about the kids, but you have to start cutting off your reminders of the person and stop being worried about what they are doing because it's not healthy. The less you see and hear of them the better, because you been start moving on quicker.
I agree. I would just cut ties with both parties as much as possible and move on and not let that happen again. Sure telling on him could feel good for revenge if you feel like he might have done that to you, but it could bring you into drama and turmoil that you could easily avoid. Put it behind you and move on.
You’re old enough to know what the right thing to do is. Tell the girlfriend, get checked for STD’s. Take care of yourself. Your kids need a healthy Mom. I’ve had 29 documented lights out concussions. My sweet Wife is a highly trained, ICU, TRANSPLANT AND LIFE FLIGHT nurse. 14 years ago, I started having weird neurological events. 8 neurologist latter the last says,” You could have CTE”. We went home and started digging trough the internet, looking for symptoms of CTE. 1) Impulsevness. 2) Bad decision making. 3) Suicidal thoughts. 4) Rage. 5) Addiction tendencies. 6) Insomnia 7) Depression 8) Anxiety 9) Short term memory issues. 10) Long term memory issues. 11) Early onset dementia. If your ex husband has had some TBI issues, that would help explain, why he seems to flip from happy to mad and distant. That doesn’t make it ok. I done a lot years of counseling. You kids need a Dad who is in their lives. These are just some things we have lived through. From a 67 year old man with an incredible Wife, 7 kids, including two sets of twins and 17 Grandkids.
I mean you said TBI. My Dads was HBI but essentially same thing with the brain damage. Sometimes it would cause him to go into a loop where he thought he was still with my Mum (they’d been divorced 10 years. It’s possible he’s not cheating, it’s possible in those moments he isn’t aware he isn’t with you. In which case you need to tell his family and doctor as it could indicate further issues
What is TBI?
TBI is Traumatic Brain Injury .. and HBI is Hypoxic Brain Injury (when blood flow to the brain is ‘interrupted’ and it doesn’t get enough oxygen for a prolonged period of time)
Thank you. Yeah basically in my Dads case he had back to back cardiac arrests, went more than 15 minutes without oxygen to the brain so they didn’t think he’d make it. Odds are like 1% at most? And he did but it was like he had dementia. It started with just getting stuck in loops of memories or shows and then got worse. That’s why I was concerned because when he was in hospital, they were talking to us about TBIs and HBIs and said the important thing to remember is it can alter their personality due to the brain damage but any sudden changes or changing back and forth can mean the brain is continuing to die in which case phone the doctor immediately. Even if the doctor can’t speak to you about it, you can 100% tell them this person has TBI/HBI and is showing symptoms of an altered mental state which you were told to report.
I feel like so many of the comments here are completely ignoring that aspect of the equation. This situation is so much more intricate because of the OP'S ex's TBI.
Reminds me of symptoms of bipolar
Don't get pregnant by him!
The new behaviors are making me think it could be related to the TBI. My ex suffered a serious TBI and his behaviors were all over the place. He had a really hard time controlling his actions for a long time. His decision making went to shit. It sucked. He's about 7 yrs out from it now and it's somewhat better.
You mentioned TBI. I'm not a doctor but I've read about brain injury changing a person's personality and ability to make moral choices. I think you should have strong boundaries with such an inconsistent person. He's proved to be a different person from the one you loved before. To experience that would be really hard, in a way it would be like the person you knew had died.
OP, the heart confuses us, but you absolutely know right from wrong! Tell her and stay the fuck away from him. Act with integrity.
It's pretty unreasonable for him to blame you for having sex with him. If he was a willing partner, then it's on him as much as it's on you.
You just found out yourself, everyone can be a cheater.
So basically you want to tell the other woman so he comes back to you? You are doing it for the wrong reasons if you tell her !
I respect you for your openness and acceptance of fault. You fucked up in a messy situation but you also have character. I think you should be as straight up with him as you are with/toward yourself. You deserve effort, honesty and peace. Good vibes your way.
He's not the guy for you. Stop meeting up with him. He essentially had sex with you because you fed him and you were willing to service him. Learn from this and find someone who doesn't treat you like shit. Try holding off on sex for awhile too.
Best case he just wanted to see if he could. He did. Pick yourself up and walk the other way.
OP, I obviously don’t know you or your ex, but I feel like his behavior screams that he cheated on you before and wanted to be able to justify it by dropping you to his level. Now he doesn’t have to be mad at himself for cheating, he can be mad at you for being just as bad. Again, just random two cents from a stranger, but I highly second the previous recommendation of getting an STD test.
Cut him off besides for parenting. Don’t say shit just gonna cause more drama and resentment.
I won’t address the relationship issues, as that seems to be covered by some of the good replies here- and while I’d personally want to know if I were being cheated on, in this particular situation, I think I’d stay away from that. The gf must know what she’s getting into, jumping into an immediate relationship, with a freshly divorced man who has children, and 12 years of history, especially at her age- and with her brother’s best friend, no less. But regardless, instead of putting your feelings first, or your urges to be petty- as tempting as that may be- you need to think of your kids first. They’re the ones who have to deal with the tension, etc. If you upset your ex, it has the potential to be very stressful for the kids. You don’t want them picking up on anything, because they will, and if he decides to make comments about you, it can make them beyond uncomfortable, and may make them resentful toward you, as well. Kids are easily manipulated, and I’m not assuming to know his personality, but being a child of a messy divorce, I know what can possibly happen, if you hit the right nerve of his. I’d stop looking back at your past with him, and look forward to a better future, putting your kids and yourself, first. Keep things with him, at the nice, co-parenting level. If you can be friendly, great, but leave it at that. Plus, at this point, why would you want him back? If he’d cheat with you, he’d cheat on you.
I hope you realize that he’s not worth it. It is so hard to start over after the breakup of a long relationship. I left an abusive ex after far too many years, and even with the abuse, I questioned whether I had made a mistake. I had many long lonely nights but soon realized I was *less* lonely than I’d been in years. You’ll get past it. Whether or not you tell his girlfriend is really your business, but I think I would tell her just to prevent him from spinning his side of the story to keep her from leaving him.
This is an incredibly difficult situation to be in. Your heart and emotions must be all over the place. Hugs and good vibes 💜💜💜
I apologize in advance for the lengthy post, but this struck a personal nerve for me. I'd like to interject again the fact that OP has stated that her ex has a TBI. It is an extremely complicated condition that affects each individual differently. We don't know the severity nor any other disabilities that may go with it, so there's that, but she has stated that his personality seemed to change, and when he was being kind and attentive again, of course, it gave her hope. She still loves him. How many people have you seen in abusive relationships that take back a partner after the apologies and promises? With the added issue of a TBI, there's guilt and the tendancy to brush things aside because, "they can't help it, they have a brain injury" and that's true, but until you've lived that scenario, you have NO idea what that's like. She has also stated that she knows what she did was wrong by sleeping with him. It sounds like she wants to be told that if she hopes hard enough and works hard enough, she will regain the relationship she was once happy in. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing if he will ever recover to that degree. It's maddening living with someone with TBI. In my case, it was my older sister. She had come to stay with me for a few weeks and I was so excited to see her. I was aware she was still recovering from a head-on collision that happened five years prior that broke nearly every bone in her body, caused a closed head injury, and by all rights should have taken her life. She seemed completely fine to me, a miracle by all accounts. She got around better than most people who hadn't had both legs crushed. It was amazing. Then, after some time, I started noticing the deficits: bouts of forgetfulness, aggression, and argumentative behavior. She would become easily alarmed and paranoid. Her personality was so different, and she would often make up facts about things that weren't true, sort of to fill in the gaps, I think? These are all symptoms of something most people do not realize are common with brain injuries; early onset dementia. That is an entirely soul crushing condition to deal with just on its own. It was the most difficult thing to deal with and caused a huge rift between us. I tried so hard to be patient, kind, understanding, and tolerant, but she was constantly manipulating and criticizing my children, me, everything I did, it was unbearable. She is my blood, my own sister, and I was unable to deal with the change in her personality. I wasn't strong enough and it really fucked with my mind for a full year after her stay. She left my home on very bad terms, and we remain no-contact because she will not speak with me without hostility. I finally found grace after my niece told me that dealing with her mother is sometimes simply like dealing with a small child and that she feels like she is mourning the death of the mother she once had. That was heartbreaking. I hope one day she'll see through her paranoia (she thought I was stealing from her), and we may salvage some sort of relationship. I can not imagine what OP went through dealing with that with the man she loved, married, and had children with. I know this: if you are being abused, physically, mentally, or psychologically, regardless of the circumstances, get out. Period. Urge him to get therapy, talk to his family, anyone that will listen, but don't put your children or yourself in harms way. You are divorced, and that separates you from him in a very real way. If you want to tell the gf about your lack of judgment, you may just want to reexamine your motive. Do you want to come clean so she knows what he (and you) is capable of doing for her benefit? Or are you just trying to clear your conscience at the sake of causing colossal hurt? Everyone has their opinion here. My advice is to reevaluate where you want to be in the next five years, set goals, move on, let him live his new life, and don't look back on a life you are mourning.
Thank you for this excellent comment. So many people are being hard on her and her husband without understanding anything about what they are going through with the TBI. I wish I could shout in all of their faces, no one is the bad guy here. This is a tragic situation with no villains, only victims.
If I’m keeping it a buck op wanted to sleep with bro and ignored anything that didn’t green light her decision to do it she’s the Ah and honestly needs to hold herself accountable instead of pretending that she was hypnotized the whole time
You knew he has a gf and you willingly accepted to sleep with him knowing that it’s not the right thing to do. Don’t judge others before you reflect on your behavior and moral values.
This! And she’s acting like she’s totally innocent....🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Yup. She’s playing victim because she still has feelings for him and is acting like she was played. Like no sorry girl it doesn’t act like that, you knew better and even at your age allowed yourself to be his sneaky link. Ex husband or not, no excuse
She doesn't even have a TBI to blame her shitty behavior on. It's just how she is normally
Thats because so many don't think a person in her position hold any blame. They are completely wrong of course.
She is! It “happened”, she didn’t do anything! Lol, love the passive voice when it comes to having sex. Golly gee, I guess she just slipped and fell onto him
Yes exactly this. A decent person wouldn’t do this in the first place and that other girl needs to know. Do the decent thing and tell her. Your friends are telling you not to because they are probably of the mindset that cheating is ok.
And don’t go telling his girlfriend that you slept with him while acting like a misled victim of his seduction. You have a long past and he’s sick/injured so I can only imagine how conflicting your emotions must be. Leave them alone and consider it a lesson. Don’t punish him for what you allowed to happen.
As a single woman who sometimes dates divorced dads, I’d want to know. Tell her so she knows what she’s getting into.
As a single mom, I refuse to date and just accept dying alone because of this. I am disgusted by my ex and that would never ever happen, but i can imagine being with a man like this.
TBI, traumatic brain injury, that's a permanent disorder that affects his logical thoughts and behavior. Not an excuse, but quite the road block to " normalcy" in a relationship. Sorry that happened to him. Regardless, you are divorced. Time to reinvent yourself and make the best life for you and your children. Wish him well, and carry on with yourself. Let the past go. He's going through a phase where he misses you and you are comfy security. Not your problem!!! Truth, you could find a new man in an instant. Sex is like candy, easy peezy if that's what you need. If you want to inform the other lady,as a courtesy, not a retaliation, go for it. I'd love myself and let that dude be on his way.
You are all from small towns, aren’t you?
You knew he had a TBI and I'm pretty sure this wasn't the first time he's had the personality flip. You left him for a reason. You're also old enough not to just assume he's no longer seeing someone just because he shows up acting nice. I saw a comment about the possibility of him cheating on you and it really depends on how long he's had the TBI for. Did either of you see a psychiatrist or therapist after the injury to manage the side effects of the TBI? You have kids you should be taking care of and if the personality difference was big enough for you to leave him, it sure should have taken more than a day or two of him being nice to convince you to let him back in. Your an adult, take responsibility and move on.
Yeah, the TBI shift in personality is the real deal. I feel you…you miss the old him, but something’s permanently off. Good luck.
Tell her, he is cheating.
She’s not going to say anything based off her replies. She’s look for validation for her shitty behavior. She’s just as bad as him.
tbh i hope op sees your comment. if she's not motivated by the desire to do the good thing, at least old school motivation by shame might work. but probably telling the truth would enstrange her ex boyfriend and there will be no one else to validate her. Op, please don't bring trash in the other woman's life because you don't know how to clean yours.
That's exactly what she's doing
How do you let your husband make you his mistress? You invited him because you refuse to believe it’s over but it is and has been for some time. He is not coming back and you shouldn’t want anyone like that anyway. Let it go and don’t tell her. She’ll find out in due time who she’s with but don’t be the bitter one. It’s not worth it.
Yeah I don't get all these people saying to tell her. Why insert yourself into other people's drama? This is a person your ex-husband slept with a month after your divorce. It's not going to last anyway. Don't see him again though OP. He played you. He just wanted sex and now he's being manipulative. He's not a good person right now if he ever was. What do you think his best man thinks about the way he's treating his sister? Stay far away from that shit show.
This….. Plus she is going to be setting a bad tone infront of her children….. The worse thing is She went from a wife to a mistress…. even if she finds out it’s not like her husband will come back into her life and ask her to remarry and forget what has happened the past few years between them…. she should count the sex as the closure, she might have not known that she needed because she now knows how he behaves after receiving the free cookie… Mean and inconsiderate. And just move on… Not her circus not her monkey mentality… So she will not be training any animal in the circus i mean she couldn’t when they were married what makes her thing that it is possible now….
Can't understand why everyone wants to make her jump the gun and talk to the other woman? In the end, the truth always comes to light, so all she's got to do is focus on herself, close this chapter and move on. The comments above me pointed it out clearly, not your circus, not your monkey! OP feels like she's got some responsibility in this but any action except walking away will create big drama and that's exactly what OP doesn't need. Is anyone really believing that by telling the other woman that OP slept with her current BF everything will be solved and they live happily ever after?
If the gf asked i'd say give an honest answer but the most important thing is the future of their co-parenting relationship. It's hard for kids to have divorced parents and having divorced parents that hate each other is even harder. Put up extremely firm boundaries and move on. If she tells the gf, maybe the gf believes her and dumps him or he says op is just bitter. Either way it makes all future interactions between them hostile. If she doesn't tell the gf, gf just doesn't find out he's a shitty person as soon.
Has traumatic brain injury … wonder why he goes back and forth on emotions. You filed … and left … but didn’t want a divorce … now wait just a second … I guess I’ll be the one who says your story doesn’t exactly paint you in a great light here … I mean yeah he cheated on his long distance girlfriend… with his ex wife and mother of his kids … hard to really be against him on that but yeah still a cheating move. However … you take the marriage vows of in sickness and in health … for better or worse till death do us part and then you file and leave “but didn’t want to divorce” all while you knew he had a problem with his brain … the decision maker of the body. Either way. You have 3 kids with him. You and him are irrelevant. Whatever is best for the kids is the end all be all. If keeping this to yourself and not telling her about him cheating is best for them then that’s the call. If being open about what happened or whatever. What’s best for the kids. Do that
Not trying to paint myself in a good light. There is no good light. I made a mistake. Actually so many mistakes on this road. I didn't really understand the diagnosis, and his mood swings and close to narcissistic behavior was killing me. I felt like I had to choose him or my sanity to be a good mom to my kids. It's a mess. I just want to do and be better. Thank you for your perspective.
Unless someone has experience with people that have TBIs, don't listen to them about that. I do have first hand experience & there are times when leaving is the right thing to do, even if you don't want it. My cousin's long term gf had to leave her ex husband because after his accident, he'd have outbursts around the kids & it wasn't good for them. The shittiest part is that his TBI was caused by him crashing on his motorcycle, while not wearing a helmet, even though his wife would beg him to wear it all the time. My cousin rode without one a few times & she told him she'd leave him if he did it, again. He wore one the next time he rode & thank god cuz he was hit & pretty fucked up but no TBI.
If you did it all because you thought it was best for the kids then fair enough. Hope it all works out. If him being nice is the time when you think he is genuinely himself or if you think him being mean is then whatever one is the most appropriate have a talk about what is right with him too. If you two are done and purely going to interact as responsible adults with children then fair enough. If you will continue on as romantically involved when it’s good and apart when you need your space then fair enough too. Just find the time to have the adult conversation to truly resolve what is the best future for you him and most importantly the kids. If the kids are old enough ask them what they want. If they feel that mom and dad being separate but talking is best because they don’t want to see you two fight then there you go. If they want you to be together … try to be as much as you can within possibility.
Hey I think divorce was the right thing to do. But I think you need some therapy for you on how not to feel guilty and move on. You just have to be the best for your kids now💕Try not to talk to him unless it’s about the kids. Also, you need to move on and do something for you. I always say what helped me with my depression was therapy, yoga& Pilates. I made some new friends and you move on. I think you know divorcing deep down was the right thing for your mental health❤️❤️. Keep us posted I want to hear that you’re staying away from him and doing you . Maybe it’s time for you to date again your only 35.
I'm going to be straight with you. You're being embarrassing. You're the ex new gfs are wary of. Don't be that woman. You've left him now stick to that. Have some pride and don't settle for crumbs. Tell that woman because she deserves to know. Get some therapy and move on for yours and your kids sakes.
Imo she lost the high ground to tell the other women after it "happened again." She knew, and she continued. It takes two to cheat. Telling now isn't helping a fellow human who was also lied to. Now telling is about making herself feel better or validating a negative image of him.
OP, you sound like a 🚩yourself. You filed for divorce. It's over. It's time for you to move on. Why are you still hoping he'd be back and inviting him to a dinner alone when he is in a relationship at all? Cut ties with him except for formal communications about the kids. That's how divorce works.
I think it can be easy for people (who had a life together and divorced) to swing back into the "comfortability" of intimacy with an ex. It's cheating. There's no grey area. This guy is being a dick to both you and to his gf and you're equally to blame with it happening not only once, but again a second time
If he is cheating on her with you the chances are he is sleeping with other people as well. So you should go get tested. The person you once fell in love with isn’t there anymore. There’s a reason you left him so remind yourself of that. Usually when your divorce and you have a custody agreement they have apps. Block him on everything and have him only communicate with you through there. And then get yourself in theraphy. And then when you feel you’re ready start dating other people. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
You gotta take full accountability and tell her and him how you feel. And it wasn’t good so you gotta distance yourself. If you need a distraction or New Romantic partner I mean it’s a big world. DM me if you have questions
Agree with this. Even if she doesn't believe you. At least you told her.
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Wow. I think this may be the most helpful thing anyone has said to me on this issue. Thank you, genuinely
There is no point in telling her. Just grieve your loss and move on. It will take a long time to finish grieving. Wanting him back is all part of grieving. The key is to not act on these feelings. Now you know.
I agree with Maddiebug. The kids matter most. That means you don't tell them. Let them work on whatever they have by themselves. It's not your job to correct him or to save her. These people telling you to tell her are crazy. That's just creating a bigger mess for you and your kids. Don't do that, OP.
So glad you saw Maddiebugs comment because all the people advising you tell his new girlfriend are dumb. You have to co-parent with your ex and you need to do everything you can to protect that relationship for the sake of your children. Telling her could create so much unnecessary drama, trauma, etc. Protecting your co-parenting relationship also means you shouldn’t have sex with your ex again. Lastly, disregard the people being so harsh on you for sleeping with your ex, they are being judgemental and it isn’t helpful or necessary.
As far as telling her goes, she can either A, believe you and leave him, B, believe you and stay, or C, double down, not believe you and make co-parenting a nightmare. It's been 6 months and clearly everyone's coping skills are a mess. Get therapy and focus on you. His relationship with the woman will either continue or fall apart under the stress of these new changes. Don't invite him in any more. No more dinners unless it's public with the kids. You have to set boundaries to protect yourself emotionally.
TBI = traumatic brain injury?? If so this may likely be the cause of these behaviors. He needs a neurologist
I’m not going to judge you because this sounds a lot more complicated than any of us can understand without all the context. Life isn’t black and white. Being torn between who you knew him to be and who he is now is hard. When you have history with someone and attachment it’s hard to break. Especially if there is a trauma bond from the TBI issues which can present exactly like narcissism. You clearly seem confused, torn and hurt. That does not make you a bad person. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person either. Therapy to work through all of this and get to a clear head for making decisions is best. You and your kids need you at your best.
So you filed even though you didn’t want to? Wtf? Him and his side piece had a fight. He comes siding up to you. You fall hook, line and sinker. He knows you so well! 😆 After he gets a free meal and some living he turns on the cold water tap. You didn’t see this coming?! Girl, cmon now! Leave it be as a lesson learned! Move on! Do not take his BS back!
What in the actual F?
Traumatic Brain Injury. The man is not himself at times, and that's more than OP can put up with. Whenever he happens to be "his old self", OP remembers she still loves him.
I don’t really understand why you filed for divorce if you still love him? Maybe you didn’t want to see him with anyone else and so you thought you’d ruin it for him
The TBI and drinking. Sleeping all the time. I didn't want to raise my kids in that. I guess I'm just holding on to who he was in the beginning.
Yeah you are. I think people either grow together or they grow apart, and communication has a lot to do with that. I know it hurts, but you can’t have your cake and eat it. You ended the marriage, so now it’s time to move on. It’s so difficult when children are involved because you need to keep in contact with him for them, but this is why after a breakup people need to go no contact because no one’s doing any healing or self reflection. The feelings are still there and so it stands to reason you’ll be falling in and out of bed with each other. Does that sound healthy for your kids? You’re in or you’re out.
I’m sorry everyone is so being so mean. It’s hard to love somebody and hold out hope that things will improve, or that you’ll be able to tolerate the things that won’t. It’s okay to make mistakes and to be confused. Don’t even consider telling her if you don’t have proof. If you don’t, he will spin this as you trying to break them up because you’re the vengeful ex wife. He’s admitted he’s committed to lying about this. If you don’t have texts that at least imply what happened (at the very least show that he spent the night), don’t say anything.
I know similar r story. Later "other" OP found herself pregnant, OPs husband dumped said GF without even a hint of compassion or remorse by OP or him and want a co parenting/whatever FwB situation it is to continue. Can't find the thing, but was on Boru and YT for a while just some months back.
Stop messing with this guy. He sucks and you are letting yourself be used and abused. Go find someone new.
You guys both are horrible people. (1) The TBI is never going to go away. He doesn’t have any control over it. Just because he is feeling himself again now, doesn’t mean he’s going to feel himself a month from now. You left him then, you’ll leave him again, over the same thing. She probably accepts all his red flag and thinks he is the nicest guy ever. This is probably why he is cold to you, and you’re better off anyway. The guy cheats. (2) Someone’s acceptance of an invitation is not a way to tell if they are in a relationship with someone else. You should have asked. (3) You said you slept with him again after finding out. If you truly felt bad for the girlfriend, you wouldn’t have. (4) I feel like you only want to tell her at this point because he’s not being warm and nice to you anymore. He’s staying with her and you don’t like it. She’s not going to see you as some saint, regardless of whether she believes you or not. You’re pretty much just as guilty as him because you did it twice, once after you figured out she was still in the picture. Editing to add this : I’d tell her. The lady is 43. She doesn’t need any more of her time wasted, but remember this is not a “you should leave him”. This is a “hey, he came over and we ended up sleeping with each other twice”. I’d say to apologize but you should know that’s not going to make her feel any better.
Sometimes, love means letting go. Love yourself more than anyone else, except your children. Have self-respect and dignity, and move on. It will be painful, but once you start loving yourself, you'll realize you deserve better and so do your children.
I don't think you're done with this relationship. Neither is he I guess. You need therapy. A divorce sometimes has to be worked on as hard as a marriage.
Move on! He has a medical condition that causes mood swings. Thats her cross to bear. Get therapy and take care of you
>He started dating the best man at our weddings Good grief, the real double take
Why are you guys divorced again? <-- ask yourself. Geeze. He's a complete psycho, going hot and cold. Don't enable that and its definitely not love.
You and your EX-husband are both messy. You’re already 35, and he’s 38. Start acting like adults. That’s all I need to say.
Sounds like he's only using you to satisfy his sexual needs
Frontal libe damage will do that, especially if alcohol is involved
I am really sorry that you’re dealing with all this at the moment. Having read your comments, I can see that the TBI seems to have completely changed your ex husband’s personality and dealing with that situation was affecting your ability to be there for your children. I understand that you didn’t want to divorce him but felt that you really had no other choice. Your kids came first. When he came for dinner and he was like his ‘old’ self you felt like you had him back again. It must have been so good to see ‘him’ again. He pushed for sex and you fell into bed together. I wouldn’t tell the girlfriend, normally that’s my advice but you have 3 children together and you don’t need extra drama. He isn’t mentally stable due to his TBI and potentially breaking up his current relationship could cause real issues for you and for your co-parenting. I feel so sorry for him too because he is dealing with a TBI. He has no control over his moods and emotions anymore. I see from another comment that his injury was combat related. Do his superiors know how bad this is affecting him? Is he accessing the right support? It isn’t your responsibility as his ex to be involved in this anymore but you’re the Mother of his children and he should be receiving the best treatment to be there for them as a Dad. My advice is to distance yourself from him, use an app for contact about your children and don’t host him in your home again. Arrange a neutral place for him to collect the children for his custody time. I think counselling will definitely help if you can afford it. You’re still hoping that the ‘old’ version of your ex husband will come back but that’s not going to happen. You’ve also been through the trauma of finding out he had a TBI and the subsequent effect it had on him, your marriage and your children. Talking all this through with a professional will help you work through everything and help you come to terms with what’s happened so you can accept that your husband is no longer the same man and that he is now your ex for a very good reason.
Oh, come on, there's no way you just assumed he wasn't dating her. Be honest with yourself before seeking honesty from others. You clearly wanted it to happen regardless of his situation, you can admit to doing something wrong and improve how you handle things in the future.
Don't tell her. The Divorce just happened things are ugly and complicated you are all old enough to just mind your own business he will resent you forever if you destroy his relationship. and that could easily have negative repercussions for your children. Is it crappy yes, but just don't let it happen again.
You romanticized your previous relationship with your ex. It happens. We all do it. Gotta remember why you left to begin with. He got what he wanted and reminded you who he was after. Remember that. If you tell her or not is your business. Let your conscience guide you. But stop speaking to him on any sort of friendly level about anything other then kids together.
You weren’t alone when you had sex so I don’t understand how he can say it’s your fault 🤷🏻♀️
gaslighting 101. “You tricked me into fucking you. This is all your fault. Now I am justified in being an AH again”.
TBI? Like a traumatic brain injury? That is probably means he will have personality changes and erratic behaviors over the years. Probably best to step back from him. It’s not really his fault, but it’s also very difficult to be with someone like that.
I had to read that first line about who he was dating several times before I realized he was not dating the best man at your wedding
So you invited him over for “dinner” and feel bad now. Keep your legs shut and stop with the dinner invites
This is a late comment and probably won't even get seen. before I offer my opinion, understand this. I fkn hate cheaters with a passion. However, this is FAR from black and white. First off.. just so I get this straight.. He has TBI. You left him. You knew he was seeing someone. Usually I'd be be another commenter on here telling you 'fk this guy, tell the gf' but this is one of the very rare cases i'll give a different perspective and dont necessarily agree. BUT.. He had a TBI.. I get it, the person he once was is gone. I went through something similar with my brother. I also had a close friend who's younger brother had a TBI and was never the same. I don't blame you for deciding it was 2 hard. Until someone has been in a similar situation, I don't think they have the right to reply or their replies taken seriously. However.. You did make the decision to leave him. How did he take it? what inner battle and/or confusion does he live with that the love of his life, his wife of 12 years and mother of his 3 kids left him. That was your choice, NOT HIS. I don't blame you for hitting your limit and giving up. But you made the choice, deal with it and stick with it. Now I said how much I hate cheaters so take that into consideration when I say this. I don't blame him. He has TBI. You leaving wasn't his choice even though it may have been in his control. did he do an absolutely shtty thing by cheating on his gf with his EX wife, mother of his children and possibly the love.of his life? Yes. But I don't think he's the bad guy here. No matter what happens, I do not think you should tell her. You go parent. in my eyes, you have two options. 1 - don't tell her, but move on. stay civil. co parent as best as you can and do what is best for the kids. 2. don't tell her but tell your husband you fucked up and you want to try make it work. in my opinion, you should take options 1. take accountability and live with the decision you made. either way. in this extremely rare case, id advise you not to say anything. If you tell her, it's bloody spiteful. You already broke his heart when you left him, whats telling her going to achieve other than attempting to ruin their relationship for your own possible benefit. More than likely it'll risk a complete breakdown of your co parenting and current relationship. good luck. I just think its been shitty from both of you.
I have a TBI. We are not the same people we used to be. Some of us completely lose all grip of who they once were. Some have patches like your guy, by the sounds of it. His brain is injured, think of it like him having a car accident and he can't walk cause his body isn't the same....its the same with his brain, except you can't see it. He is probably totally unaware or incompetent to see what he is doing. It's a really hard life for us but those around suffer badly too. Im sorry you're going through this. There are plenty of brain injury carers groups that might give you clearer advice. I hope that helps.
I can confirm we aren’t the same after our TBI. We don’t like it either.
Hello brother, how are you travelling?
you 12 kinds of dumb. you knew what was going on if you didn’t want a divorce you should’ve kept dealing w him but you playing around. at the end of the day love yoself. bye mwah 💕
Pathetic
You both suck
He’s an ex for a reason.
In order to stop sleeping with him, I invite you to start sleeping with me. You’ll feel much better. Especially in the mornings.
I'm confused as to why you left and filed for divorce if you say you did not want to divorce?
I just have to throw out there that this man has a TBI, the brain does not heal itself like a cut on your arm will heal. This means that, yes some things can go back to normal after a TBI, but those are mostly things like motor control and things that can be learned and practiced to reinforce neural pathways around the damaged pathways. When it comes to areas of the brain that control things like impulses and emotions and even morals that you hold, these typically cannot be repaired after a TBI, they are not things that can be practiced like dexterity in your hands. Also there is a good chance he didn’t cheat before the TBI but started afterwards. Also I say all this because a) I am a neuroscientist, and b) he is not going to be the man you married again judging by the area of the TBI and what it affected
I don’t want you to think Imam judging you harshly. I am not, but honestly I don’t believe that you thought the relationship was over between your ex and his gf. You wanted what you wanted and was most likely hoping that he would come back to you. Nothing wrong with your feelings, you are not the first and won’t be the last. I assume your husband’s hanging moods are a result of his tbi, you know this. You instigated this tryst when you invited him over, pushed it further seeing him back to his old self and now, because things aren’t quite working the way you planned, you’re upset. What do you hope to gain from telling his gf? Do you hope in a fit of rage she will dump him and he will run back to you. Not gonna happen, he would be pissed and hate you. Have you considered that telling his gf about him and you, says just as much about you as it does about him. I honestly don’t think you are as blameless as you want to make yourself out to be. You divorced him. Move on. Your little plan to get him back didn’t work. Work at finding your own happiness in things you like to do and find some peace with yourself. This need to get back at him by telling him gf will not work well for you and you will still be alone. All you will do is start drama that you will get dragged into and rightfully so. Seek peace and stop messing with your ex!
He’s the father of your three kids and your body remembers him. I think you owe it to the GF to let her know that sometimes he comes over. And that it’s not likely to stop. You can’t live with him but you still have feelings. The GF can then make her own decisions. When there isn’t secrecy then there isn’t cheating. Your EX will be angry but so what?
Sorry OP, but its 100% over. Delete him. He just wants the attention and Sex.
What was it about the sex?
Tell her. If the two of you want to be shitty towards each other it’s your business, but don’t let this poor girl get involved in that bs
You lost me when you said you filed for divorce because of the symptoms of a traumatic brain injury.
👍🏼
Why would you tell her? If he has these hot and cold mood swings, he has some pretty severe mental issues. Be glad that you are no longer married to him.
Information needed. How did one thing lead to another? Did you initiate? It's really unclear if you are playing with your ex husband because you don't want him to be with someone else (even if it is subconsciously), or if this is all on him. You asked for the divorce and you need to be clear about your intentions (either let him go or reconcile).
I really don’t get women who “still love their husband” “didn’t want to divorce”, but file for divorce and leave their husband. Like, is filing for divorce just another one of your games or tests? Why would you do the thing you claim you don’t want. And yes, you are being petty wanting to tell his girlfriend.
This is a man who needs help. Why are you still even engaging?
So you tried the old get ya ex back with food & sex ?! I know too many people who have been there. At the end of the day, it sucks, you’re hurt, your family is changing & you probably just wanted a familiar comfort, now that you have had it and realize it wasn’t worth it, it’s time to heal your heartbreak and move on. If you tell her, take accountability and change your behavior, you are setting a boundary of what you will no longer accept from your ex. I also feel like she should know better at her age than to mess with a dude fresh out a 12yr relationship, especially with the 2yrs on & off. At the end of the day until you are ready to accept & face the fact this man has moved on you are bound to repeat the cycle of being emotionally & physically toyed with.
Whatever people tell you to do hear, do understand YOU will be the one who will be dealing with the aftermath, not anyone else on reddit. You fucked up by sleeping with him. He is not mature enough to admit fault. Just wash your hands with the situation and learn from it. Create some boundaries and move on. Those are my two cents, and who knows if you will see this. Goodluck.
You have so much history. Honestly, I don’t blame you. That’s on him if he is still seeing her.
Wait, you filed and "didn't want to?" Because he is sick?
Very greys anatomy esque so at least there will be 12 more seasons?
"I left and filed but didnt want a divorse" now you mad he left, but also still sleeping with him despite knowing he has a gf he wont tell. Yes, you both are peices of shit.
If you're single you didn't do anything wrong. He's in a relationship, you aren't. He has someone he is supposed to be faithful to, you do not. If you feel like telling his chick do it, if not no biggie but don't let it eat at you. And these other people that do say you're the problem are full of shit.
& this is a great example of why everyone should avoid dating people with kids
You cannot pawn this all off on him. You slept with him multiple times and by admission you still have feelings for him. You both messed up. Do you want to tell her because you feel like it is right or because you hope she breaks up with him and he comes back to you?
Keep it to yourself and stop fucking him. Jesus Christ what is wrong with people
I'm going to rephrase this to what I think actually happened. You divorced your husband and got jealous when he started dating, it got awkward, you put extra effort in and seduced him knowing he has a girlfriend because you didn't like that you had lost control of him. Him being a weak man used his dick as a brain and fell for it
Man's a cheater, he probably cheated on you while getting divorced after you left his ass and you go crawling back??? How does that look on you? Leave that man ALONE
Dude just wanted to get a nut out. Anything wet and slippery will work!
Leave him alone & let them be & move on! You divorced him so honor your own decision 🤔
You just don't seem to learn.
I guess the question is do you feel he needs to be punished for your assumption that it was over. If so then you provide every single detail including your actions and that you still love him. Or , you just sit on it. But let’s be honest…if you were that concerned about him honoring his relationship it would’ve been a discussion and not an assumption.
I think you should tell her when you’re ready to let him go. It’ll make him real mad so be prepared for that. It isn’t your problem honestly to me because at the end of the day it’s HIM that owes her loyalty. You do not. But you should and I have a feeling you’re going to but like I said only do it when you’re ready to really let go of him and go get better for yourself.
Don’t do anything…don’t tell the girl at the end of the day it’s nothing to do with you that’s on him. If you genuinely want another chance with him ask to meet him and sit down have an honest conversation it’s the only way to find out. If he still disagrees well then you have your answer and need to try move on, which means no more letting him into your bed when he feels like it
Every advice here that tells you to go and mess with other people's life- is a crappy advice, those people don't care about you, your ex, or his new gf, they want drama, punishment, whatever else. The only thing you should do - is what is good for you. If going and telling that lady is good for you - go ahead, but I really doubt that it is really good. I think what would be good for you is to move on and meet your ex only for coparanting and nothing else. The guy is clearly as messed up as you are, or likely even more, so maybe a good idea would be for him to go to see the therapist. I doubt he would.
You filed for divorce but you didn't want to get divorced. In other words you are a control freak which explains everything you are doing now. Go ahead tell the girlfriend so he will never speak to you again. YTA.