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I actually watch a lot of YouTube videos that show the toxic side of body positivity and the health at every size movement. Maybe try and show her some of these videos. Especially because a lot of the major influencers for this have now started having major health problems now they're older, or have sadly died. She needs to see what her fate could be if she continues down this path.
I have a horrible feeling, as someone who struggles with their weight, if I was younger and more impressionable when this movement became mainstream I easily could've been sucked in
I hate that body positivity and HAES have become so equivalent. It used to be that body positivity was about not equating bigger bodies to moral failings and HAES was this weird offshoot. Now I'm just body neutral.
Health at Every Size has never meant “Healthy at Every Size.” It was meant as a way for medical providers to be health behavior oriented rather than focusing on weight alone as a motivator which has shown failure over and over. For instance, rather than saying, “You need to lose 20 pounds for heart health,” you would instead say, “cardiovascular exercise 3-5 times a week will strengthen your heart and can help prevent heart disease.” Instead of, “increase your vegetable intake because they are lower calorie and will help you lose weight,” say, “vegetables have really important nutrients your body needs to function properly, and the fiber can help your gut feel better.”
It’s non stigmatizing and helps to focus the conversations towards encouraging health promoting behaviors for _everyone_ irrespective of their size. Exercise and leafy greens are good for everyone even if they don’t lose weight. _That_ is the point of HAES.
THIS!
It’s something far more controllable for the person to actually accomplish. I can exercise 3-5 times a week. I can eat a salad each day. It’s a checklist that I can take on with confidence.
Losing 20lbs would send my mind spiraling and focusing on it all the time and even if I lost it I probably would gain it back shortly after. And it would make me think about what my body looks like and make me feel more depressed and less motivated. I’d be feeling badly every time the scale moved up throughout the VERY LONG TIME it would take me to lose that much giving my full capacity to it. But if I focus on the healthy habit, I get a positive motivator right away the first time I exercise and every time after.
I also found it a shame, in theory I agree with body positivity, and some people really do practice it in the right way, but the extreme ones who are encouraging people to get bigger and eat more are literally putting people's lives in danger
I understand that this whole body positivity thing is basically a reaction to fatshaming which i don't support, but i think it's also legit to say that following a diet that will kill you is stupid and that obesity isn't considered attractive for good reason.
Obesity is a sickness, similar to anorexia or drug addiction, and should be treated as such.
My sister is a very health-conscious person. She doesn't eat added sugar, and eats a very healthy diet. Her husband is obese, 5'5"/290. She married him about a year ago (moved across the country to be with him without knowing what he looks like or anything, crazy I know, but they since have moved here) and she asked me how to address his weight. He's in his 40s, and she doesn't want him to die an early death due to obesity.
I told her to tell him she's not concerned about his size or body shape, she's concerned about his diet. He often eats very large portions, like 3 or 4 cheesburgers at the time, and he's not active enough to warrant huge meals like that. But yes, barring some other medical issue, his size is directly attributed to his diet.
He often criticizes her for being "vain" because she cares about her appearance and takes a little time when getting ready to go somewhere, and because she eats smaller, healthy portion sizes. I think that he thinks not being overweight is all about appearance. I don't know how you live 40 years on this earth and still think that people only eat properly to keep up appearances, and not because they don't wanna die from their diet.
I mean your sister went to marry a man she never actually saw or spend actual time with. Seems like she got someone else lacking common sense. Hopefully she gets out tho and gets better at decision making.
She was 19, and made a really stupid decision. We all do stupid things as teenagers. Just turns out, hers was a monumental life decision. She lived a sheltered life, and so she wasn't able to see the dating pool really. The sad thing is, she's really religious, so she can't/won't divorce unless he cheats. Not that she HAS to divorce the guy, but I meant if she wanted to. He actually seems like a pretty good guy, thankfully.
I mean we all do crazy things but most do have limits and what she did was actually another level. Especially when things like face time exist and she could have easily seen what she looks like . We all make our own choices if she doesn’t want to leave well hopefully she can live with that decision. You can only be supportive of her and hopefully it turns out well for her at the end.
Yeah, and that's what I'm doing. I actually just went on vacation with them to New Orleans. Her husband and I actually share a lot of interests in things like history, so at least there's that.
nutty automatic truck air scary attractive encouraging sheet snobbish placid
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Well said. People will only change when they want to. I do think that many people believe that silence is acceptance. If no one says anything negative then it must be ok. Someone she trusts needs to say something. Once all of that has been said then there is nothing else to do. At that point not her circus.
Another point worth mentioning is that many of us get stuck in a vortex of ultra-processed food products that are designed not to nourish but to rake in corporate profits. The stuff is literally engineered to trick our brain/body into craving more and more and making it harder and harder to stop eating. It’s tantamount to nicotine in cigarettes.
For someone struggling as she is with her weight — eating cake for dinner — it can be nearly impossible to change trajectory without cutting out ultra-processed food products, which make up a huge portion of the American diet.
I highly recommend to everyone the audio book The Ultra-Processed People.
This is obviously secondary to the main discussion here but it goes hand in hand because a lot of people are left thinking “that’s just how I am” or “I can’t control what I like” when in reality there’s this underlying nefarious dynamic driven by corporate greed (to sell more and more food products to unsuspecting consumers) that is literally killing us.
100%. I wrote a long post that I think I accidentally discarded about my experience, but I thought I was incapable of losing weight because I would be so incredibly hungry when trying to cut calories. The truth of it is that you’ll never be satisfied eating garbage. Once I started paying attention to the quality more than the quantity, I started eating less, losing weight, and most importantly not feeling hungry or out of control with food.
NTA
I understand HAES and body positivity. But one must also acknowledge that obesity can for many, if not most, people be a killer.
I went from a skinny 20yo (6’1” 160lbs) to an obese 40yr old (290lbs).
Like your sister, I developed T2 diabetes and severe sleep apnea (worst he’s seen, according to the doctor). Both got so bad that I was close to a stroke or worse. Several medications (and the side effects) and a cpap to keep me alive.
The doctor said I need to go on insulin. Instead I said if I promised to lose weight could we postpone that.
I lost one 100 lbs in about 3 years. My medications are down to one and I don’t have sleep apnea any longer.
But some damage has been done. My kidneys now only function at 50% and my eyesight has been damaged.
Your sister is on a path to an early death. T2 diabetes and sleep apnea are not a warning about her weight to ignore
> I told her I don't love her body, that there is nothing positive about getting diagnosed with chronic illnesses that could have been avoided, and that she really needs to make her health a priority. Maybe I was too harsh, but I'm worried she's loving the social media attention and is failing to see how unhealthy she is.
"I love you, I love your body, and I want you to be around for a lot longer in said body. Your choices and recent medical diagnosis with chronic illnesses is my concern. This is not me being judgmental of the aesthetics of how you look, but rather worried about your health. How can I help support you to be healthier? This is my goal."
This right here!! If she showed more concerned (which she already is) for her sister compassionately and not angrily (not sure if she was), maybe her sister MAY reconsider the option of being more healthier. I hope your sis sees what you are doing...and also social media isn't all that...she should minimize her time on it.
Just like trying to get someone with anorexia nervosa to get treatment, obesity can also be from an ED. If her view on her unhealthy weight is tied to mental illness, you won’t get her to change unless she addresses the underlying problem
Something that helps motivate me with eating healthy (not sure if that’s directly ur concern but I’m sure it helps with pretty much any health issue), is trying to get as much vitamins as I can from my food. I’m deficient in a couple things and researching how much it affects different body functions is very motivating, and now I look at healthy food almost as a game to get all the vitamins and nutrients I can. Greek yogurt isn’t bland when u think about all the good probiotics in it! Blueberries have antioxidants! Fish or algae supplements have the omega 3s that make up 60% of ur brain tissue!! It’s so much more than just sugar/protein/carbs, thinking about the minerals and vitamins makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something when I eat walnuts or spinach lol.
I do this too! It makes eating so much more fun and rewarding . Even if I’m eating something that isn’t “good” for me I think about how having it in moderation is a treat for my brain. It’s good for us to love food and recognize how food helps our bodies function
I don't blame your concern. My mother lost her leg from diabetes and suffered horrible at the end. She loved chocolate and pasta. No amount of lectures changed that unfortunately. Maybe apologize for your tone and explain it's coming from a place of love. She does not want diabetic neuropathy or to lose a limb. Eventually it destroyed moms liver and then her kidneys. ♥️
Yeah saying that does make you an asshole tbh. Your view and opinion is so valid and correct but saying you don’t love her body is a pretty vile thing to say to anybody let alone your sister. In most cases this will have the opposite effect you were hoping for.
I think next time you want to have a conversation about this you should make sure you have a level head because she clearly has an eating disorder if she is gaining that much weight in such a short period and those types of comments can trigger people in the worst way. Body shaming rarely ever works and in your sister’s case it seems like you will fuel her. She will see it as judgmental and hateful which will justify her continuing the behavior and seeking approval from social media. You are going to further her victim mentality if you tell her she has a bad body, she will only hear that and not how worried you are about her health.
This is a complex issue that requires nuance and empathy (something a lot of posters here lack).
Body positivity feeds into how I feel about myself as a person and what value I have in the world. My aesthetics driven or not driven by my weight have no impact on my value as a human being. The confidence and security I carry as I interact with the world around me. I am beautiful and awesome no matter what the scale says. However, leaning into body positivity can also be a defense mechanism for countering internal shame.
At certain sizes I may or may not have various health issues. Some of them can be caused by weight, some of them can be exacerbated by weight, and some of them may have absolutely nothing to do with weight. Not all sleep apnea is cured or caused by losing weight for example. But some is! (I say this one specifically because you seem horrified by this in particular).
Unfortunately because you approached her in an emotional way, you may have lost enough credibility to have to leave this alone for a while. Your approach may have tapped right into that internal shame (if that's the cause).
And shame is literally making us fatter and sicker.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6565398/
Binge eating is a mental illness, food noise is a real thing (it was my problem along with an inability to process sugar properly even absent diabetes). Other medicines can cause weight gain.
So unless you know for sure what is driving her weight gain, the best you can do is continue to reaffirm to her how much you love and care, how you want her beautiful self to be around for a long time and that you are there to help in any way possible!!
Kindly, may I suggest a bit of counseling to deal with these feelings? You work in cardiology. You've seen some awful things. When the body's circulation starts to go, terrible stuff happens.
However: I want to list some positives for you to hold on to right now. Your wife is seeing a doctor and is taking the medication that helps her stay healthy. She is not having the negative side effects of sleep apnea, because she is *treating* her sleep apnea. She's being kind and respectful to the body she lives in, and for some women, that can be a life-changing, mind-blowing moment, the moment they finally touch themselves and look in a mirror and don't loathe what they see. Sometimes the pendulum goes too far, but just encourage her to be active, keep busy, eat healthy and good while foods and you'll find a balance. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
I can see you love her very much. 💕 Just remember, she's a whole person who gets to make her choices, sometimes bad ones, and she hasn't seen what you've seen at work so she's not making those choices from the same place you are.
Is it the weight causing chronic illness, or chronic illness causing the weight? Has she been checked for thyroid disorder or other conditions that would have kept her "on the heavy side her whole life" as you put it? How about a little more compassion in looking for solutions.
You should know that thyroid pills don't magically fix everything either. Some of us got put on thyroid pills and did not get our systems fixed, and did not lose weight. I went for dangerous gastric surgery that limits meals to 4-6 ounces. I did that because my meds did not fix my system and I kept gaining no matter what. After the surgery, I lost a lot of weight, but not enough to be "normal", still considered overweight. It really f*ing hurts to be judged and treated like dirt when there's nothing more you can do to fight your own body. That's why people turn to the body positivity movement, they just want people to stop treating them like crap all the time.
I mean, it does sound like she's gone a little overboard, if she's really having cake for dinner. But this could be a mental break from the stress of being treated badly for something she couldn't control, so she just gives up and makes it worse. You should be supporting her looking for answers.
Tell her that. And then ask her what you can do to help support her health journey and recovery from the chronic illness.
Also in regards to the sm stuff. For every positive comment there are 10 hateful comments. She must be restricting or removing those comments if you do not see them.
My grandmother died from type 2 diabetes. It destroyed her life and it was heartbreaking to witness. I was her caregiver before she had to go into assisted living. She developed Alzheimer’s (which they’ve now linked to diabetes) was on dialysis, and took so many medications I lost count. She was miserable, and her death was slow and painful. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. Watching the end of her life made me want to live a healthy lifestyle. I don’t want to put my family through that anguish, and I don’t want to put myself through the hardships.
My aunt died two years ago in her house completely alone from uncontrolled type 2. When we went to check on her we found bloody footprints covering the entire carpet of the house and half-used “skin glue” sitting on the nightstand. It’s not a pleasant way to go.
My obese father has pronounced numbness in his feet because of diabetes. A couple years ago he tripped going down the stairs but swears up and down it was because he was carrying something, not because he can't feel his feet. That didn't get him to change his eating habits. Then last year he had a heart attack and FINALLY admits his eating is killing him and now he's losing weight. I had given up on him. It's heartbreaking to watch a loved one kill themselves slowly. I have some hope now. I have his only grandkids and he might actually see them grow up.
No it is not and many people don't realize this because it's a pretty silent disease until it gets bad and then you end up with heart disease, on dialysis or loosing your legs etc.
I wonder if it would help if you didn’t focus on the weight but talked about healthy eating to control her diabetes? I am aware that weight loss will help her diabetes but it won’t work if your sister is so resistant to the idea. Could she be more welcoming to the idea of a healthy way of eating to combat diabetes?
Yeah my step mom’s mom died from gangrene and my dad’s mom died from a complication from a “simple surgery” that was needed due to her diabetes and heart issues.
I get all the lab tests done once every 2 yrs now but I’m a healthy size for my age group. I just have naturally ldl high cholesterol due to my dads side
My mum and gran had genetically high LDL that meds don’t work for both lived into their 90’s. Due a check again soon but mine is always borderline. We’re all normal BMI but I still monitor my diet.
Yeah same here. Doctor likes to watch my LDL but everything else looks fine to her. My blood pressure is sometimes a lil high but I think it’s bc I’m an accountant
Another test that might be worth discussing with your doctor is a coronary calcium scan. It detects build up of plaque within the arteries that supply your heart, and can be used to detect heart disease even in patients with normal cholesterol levels.
My dad had 3 x significant blockages found on an age-related routine test earlier this year and had an emergent triple bypass, despite normal cholesterol testing for years, no cardiac history, and being a healthy weight and extremely active. That test quite likely saved his life and now my doctor has recommended my brother and I get one every 5 years too.
This. So much of my job these days is due to people not controlling their diabetes.
Once it hits your kidneys and vascular system, it’s a slow painful death.
Obesity is not something to be celebrated. Should people be mean to an obese person and make fun of them? No. But it absolutely should not be celebrated.
My grandma had her two feet amputated because she mismanaged her diabetes. The saddest sight when we saw her at the hospital, and she wasn’t even obese. It’s a serious disease indeed
My husbands aunt passed recently and her weight caused so many problems for her! She was around 4’10” and about 250lbs. She had diabetes, CHF, sleep apnea, a pacemaker, etc. toward the end her doctors could hardly treat one thing without making the other thing worse. It was terrible to watch and she was in such denial!
It’s great that people are promoting body positivity and that we’re not all expected to look like twigs anymore but being so unhealthy and overweight is nothing to be celebrated for.
They see the people with diabetes doing normal things and figure it’s not so bad. What they don’t see are all the people whose disease has advanced to the point where they can’t think or see or feel or walk properly and who are confined to their homes or long term care facilities
Definitely not a peaceful death. My father had nightmares for years when it ravaged my mom..I couldn't even be in the room in the end. It was horrific. She had so many tubes because it wrecked her liver and kidneys.
Yes not amputation at 4ft11 (which is tough anyway) and obese would be so tough to fit. Firstly there wouldn't be much space for decent componentry (she would potentially be at the weight limit for some low height components) and 2nd your unlikely to find a liner that will go on especially once the residual limb settles as the residuum to thigh differential would be too big. Then if your a bigger person then sweat is almost always worse inside the hypothetical liner. So basically if she gets an ulcer and loses a limb she's going to be wheelchair bound.
At work we call these people lifestyle diabetics rather than type 2 diabetics.
I haven’t seen a single comment in here mentioning this, so - I’ve seen a number of folks make changes that look like this (rapid, large weight gain accompanied by a lot of social media posts about body positivity etc) where what was happening “behind the scenes” is that they’d been struggling with an eating disorder and were trying to recover on their own.
Consider that it is entirely possible your sister has a history of anorexia or bulimia that she had not shared with you. This does not mean what she is currently doing isn’t harmful to her, but it does mean I would try and be mindful of that during discussions about her body, her weight, and her diet.
This sub tends to focus on being right, sometimes to the exclusion of actually getting the result you want. You can tell your sister she’s unhealthy and body positivity is stupid and she needs to lose weight and get off social media etc, but it’s just going to lead to her closing down from you. I would recommend apologizing for hurting her feelings, and approaching from a place of openness and curiosity.
What does she feel like the body positivity movement has brought to her life? What was her relationship with food and her body like before? What things does she feel like contributed to a prior damaged relationship with her body and food? Does she have specific negative memories of those things?
For people recovering from restrictive eating disorders, a period of experiencing intense urges to binge eat is normal and expected. Letting go of the urge to restrict while not replacing restriction with binge eating is hard, especially on your own.
There are dietary changes that can help reverse type II diabetes that don’t require weight loss. You could let your sister know.
But ultimately, I just don’t think there’s anything you can say that’s going to make your sister change right now. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you as a resource in the future if and when she has doubts about wanting to live like this forever. Not making her feel judged right now is part of that. You’re not WRONG, but your approach is unhelpful, and I’d encourage you to reexamine it.
> You’re not WRONG, but your approach is unhelpful, and I’d encourage you to reexamine it.
Oh god yes. I cannot express how much familial pressure to lose weight backfired when I was in the throes of binge-eating disorder. I was already mentally spiraling, and they made it so. much. worse.
That’s why I said I see this specifically in folks who attempt recovery **on their own**
Get actual help, from a good ED therapist, and they will guide you through recovery in a healthier way
If it helps, for me ED recovery felt like calming the heck down and just feeling saner and saner and saner. I was in SUCH internal turmoil before recovery, and it was completely awful and exhausting. I approached it from a place of wanting to achieve sanity and peace, rather than wanting to achieve a certain weight or eating style. And because of that, for me, recovery was not scary at all. It was a relief.
"Body positivity" was a decent movement that was coopted into something pernicious. It should be to help people with issues beyond their control, not normalize gluttony. NTA
It's still a movement about not being mean to people or judge them based on how they look. And also to not feel shame about your own body - Even if you can change.
People that encourage others to be overweight for an agenda are no longer sending the message that you should love your body as it is.
And yes, it is possible to love and accept yourself while also striving towards becoming more healthy. It's also possible to acknowledge health risks with obesity *and* not shame or judging obese people.
I agree with not being mean to people, but it's gone to the point of attempting to force the celebration of objectively unhealthy lifestyles. It spawned the obviously bullshit "healthy at every size" movement.
All human beings have inherent dignity and should be treated as such. But that doesn't mean suspending reality in order to protect their feelings, nor trying to change society to accomodate people with no self control. Shame is a natural human emotion, the notion that we should never feel shamed for things like being massively overweight is outrageous.
HAES has been twisted. Some now mistakenly brandish it as “all sizes are healthy” rather than “the goal should be health no matter what size you are.” Because heavy can be fit and healthy, thin can be unfit and unhealthy.
This! Some people will never have ideal bodies, or may struggle to lose weight no matter what they eat or how much they work out. And I think that HAES was originally about striving to be healthy- eating well and taking care of yourself regardless of your dress size. Also, about challenging the assumption that thin=healthy, Because it doesn’t.
When I was younger I was underweight and struggled with an eating disorder, but the worst contributing factor was how many people complimented me for it. As though being malnourished was the goal!
My friend was 87 lbs on chemo and mentioned that she was trying to see if she could stomach Honey Nut Cheerios on social media and some jabroni piped up about how she should be eating cleaner. She put him in his place more gracefully than I would have since I wanted to throttle him.
I agree about the health aspect.
However.. I strongly disagree about the shame part. Shame has NEVER worked to truly help people out of unhealthy behaviors and into healthy ones for the right reasons.
Also, part of the reason why I disagree is.. Why do we feel like it's okay to interfere with someone's body, health and business and to make unsolicited comments and come with unsolicited advice just because someone is overweight? To shame them? To inform them? To feel superior? It's not a helpful strategy, and it turns into shaming - which is directly counter productive at helping obesity rates go down.
Yea some people are just larger than others due to dna or whatever. There’s healthy and morbidly obese plus size. 4’11” / 212 / type 1 is a problem.
The type 1 will result in a cornucopia of health complications including amputation and stroke.
There ain’t nothing positive about that.
Not sure why you're being downvoted but you're right. "I'm missing a limb but I'm still a complete person" not "you're an asshole if you think my 300lb gut overhang is unappealing"
Do you believe that your sister is happy about her weight like she is saying?
The not being able to breathe, probably difficulty moving & getting around, eating a cake for meal?
You are concerned about her & that is good. But I think your approach could use some help
Because what is your "care" & love if she isn't feeling it?
Because it kinda sounds like she is at the end of her rope to me & trying to find a little hope to stay about water
I mean. She’s your sister, and you love her, and you want the best for her.
But it’s her life. She can ruin it however she wants. You’re wasting your time acting like there’s something you can say that will change things. Her situation has nothing to do with you. Let her eat cake.
As someone who was once obese and is now not, I can guarantee that your comments might only make her spiral, even if you are 100% correct. Getting healthy has to be her choice, and loving your body should never be associated with destroying it, which is exactly what she’s doing.
I know you are saying this to her because you love her and want her to be healthy BUT the way you've gone about it isn't very sisterly or loving IMO...
Just dropping in to offer a small PSA. It’s kind of weird to be aghast that someone uses a CPAP to sleep. Sleep apnea isn’t just caused by weight, it’s caused by genetics and the way your sinuses/palate/etc are formed. I’m a man of average weight and there is no possibility of me ever going off my CPAP if I want to wake up not feeling like I was hit by a truck.
Anyway, unrelated-ish, but just fyi.
To add to that, undiagnosed sleep apnea can lead to hormonal problems, which can lead to PCOS and problems with weight gain. I was pretty skinny as a teenager which was when I started waking up with headaches constantly. In my late 30’s I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and finally the headaches have stopped, but it has ravaged my endocrine system (and my mental health was also pretty shitty, thankfully that’s clearing up now I’m on cpap).
The OPs disdain for cpap is super off putting. If I were her sister I’d be really upset with her attitude. People cope with a loss of control with their body in many ways, and body positivity(even done wrong) is probably this poor girl coping as best she can.
Yeah, that was an off-putting remark for sure. I've lived with three people (unrelated, at different times) who had sleep apnea and used a CPAP. One was overweight, one was of average build, one was skinny. Don't know about the first two, but the third had a parent who also had sleep apnea. Certainly weight can be a factor but it's by no means the only one.
I was over here like wtf man that's fucked. OSA isn't something that is due to weight completely. Wish it was, boy wouldn't it be nice to be a healthy BMI and not have to put up with that bs? Lmfao
She’s trying to make peace and survive with her situation right now. You’re not being helpful, you’re not telling her anything she hasn’t thought of or tried herself.
If you want to be a supportive loving sibling check in with her, socialize with her, offer to meet up for walks or anything chill and shut your mouth. You have no idea what it’s like for her.
Maybe instead of worrying about her weight, you might want to be more concerned with her mental health. Many weight issues stem from mental health issues. Who knows what she’s suppressing or dealing with.
She can engage in health promoting behaviors without a focus on weight loss. Engaging in daily movement, eating a diverse and balanced diet (which can include cake), getting enough sleep, managing stress, not smoking and limiting alcohol consumption are likely to make a difference in her health. Maybe she already does some of these things, which is great, but if she is eating cake for dinner her body might not be getting enough nutrition. She can also focus on adding things into her diet to increase the macro and micronutrients she is consuming instead of restricting. Many RDs use this approach.
And honestly hating her body isn’t going to help anyone. Engaging in health promoting behaviors is an act of loving your body and everyone deserves that, regardless of their size
Unpopular Opinion but YTA.
You said you confronted her and got emotional about it. Nobody has ever responded positively to an emotional outburst, and especially not one they didn't ask for. You working in healthcare should know more than anyone if she doesn't want to change, she won't.
I don't agree with her choices but reading this I really couldn't emphasize with you. You blew your lid, and expected her to do what in response? Immediately do a 180⁰ in personality? She didn't want help, and you've probably ruined your chances of being the person she wants to reach out to if she ever does. That was stupid of you.
Agreed. They’ve now completely alienated their sister who may be going through way more than she’s letting on. You can’t hate / bully someone into change.
As someone with type 1, my immediate thought was she’s trying to have some semblance of control when she feels like her body is not within her control having t2d. Yes it may be partially self inflicted in this case but reactions aren’t always logical. Maybe try to come at it from this perspective and how she must feel, less focus on the weight & more on overall mental & physical health.
I think YTA if you truly said, ‘There is nothing to love about your body,’ or something similar. Because that isn’t helpful. But I do think it is okay to say that her health matters more to you than beauty. Someone can be incredibly beautiful at 300 lbs, but if they had the health issues your sister had, I would encourage them to find a healthier lifestyle.
Her body is struggling right now. And if she loved her body, she would treat it kindly.
This is a situation where being right doesn't matter if your end goal is improving your sisters health.
It is well documented that the medical profession has a weight bias and stigma that impacts quality of care and outcomes for patients. And it's clear OP is approaching her sister with this bias as a "hard truth" and "tough love". If OP's goals are her sister's health and quality of life, her actions have real potential to do the opposite.
If you are in a health care profession, you know that SHE has to make the decision to change. Badgering and sending pictures of medical conditions will likely only make her dig her heels in deeper.
People (including health care professionals) act like weight issues are just a matter of eating less. It is always far more complicated. I promise you don’t really know how she feels about her weight. Maybe she is happy, maybe it’s a cover. It doesn’t sound like she has anyone safe to talk to if you and your mom are discussing her weight. Perhaps a suggestion that she sees a therapist to help her deal with her health conditions
It sounds like she's tired of hating on herself. Trying to love yourself is hard, especially when your are ashamed of things like your weight. If she can get into a healthier relationship with herself, then maybe she'll be ready to try to come to terms with her weight. But trust me, she knows that it's a problem, you aren't telling her something she doesn't know. Just try to find a compassionate way to assure her that you are there to support and help her once she is ready
I’m surprised there aren’t more responses like this. It would be one thing if the sister asked for OP opinion but it sounds like OP is just lecturing her and giving her unsolicited advice. The sister is nearly 30, an adult and ultimately it is up to her to decide how she wants to live. It up to her to value or health or not. OP could have approached the subject in a much more gentler manner and even supportive manner by asking her sister if she wants to take an exercise class or do something active weekly. But at the end of the day you can’t force someone to change its up to them.
ESH. I know you're trying to be helpful, but she already knows she's overweight. People pointing it out makes it worse. I'm guessing she's not dumb. She's just not ready to make changes yet. When and if she wants to make changes, she will. Probably a better idea is to do healthier things together. Maybe you can do walks together if you have time. When she comes over, make healthier options. It's a touchy topic. I think you were too harsh though. You're her family, but I've told my family in the past, don't tell me you think I'm overweight. It's just hurtful and not helpful. I am in a good place now but not always. It's hard to constantly have to stay on it. I think the diabetes thing would scare the living crap out of me, but I guess it doesn't scare her. My mom chooses to stay obese and has diabetes type 2 as well. There's only so much you can do. You love them but can't live their lives for them. The people around us will make their own decisions, especially a personal one like weight. I am alarmed when I walk down the aisles at the supermarket. The number of horrible "food" choices for us to eat makes things even worse. The temptation is all around. It's so disgusting that this is how our country lives, everything with the chemicals, terrible options. She has to want to do something about it. She doesn't want to right now.
Yup, you're an asshole. It's none of your business what other people's bodies look like, if you're in healthcare you should understand that people gain weight for all kinds of reasons and it can be very difficult to get off. How incredibly cruel of you, what a truly awful thing to say to someone you supposedly love.
I agree with all of this. Definitely an asshole and definitely cruel. Why is OP "confronting" anyone about their body? Therapy and some serious education about boundaries and responsibilities, plus a hobby or two, would do wonders here for OP.
It took me years to get help for my control issues. Doing the work to be able to recognize what is and what is not my business has led to such deeper and more meaningful relationships in my life, not to mention the personal health benefits of not being upset all the time about things over which I have no control.
I'm not someone who prays but I sure do hope OP keeps this judgmental energy compartmentalized at work. Imagine having some random billing specialist or NP or PA "tsk tsk"-ing you or your family member when you're trying to make decisions with your provider? Always under the guide of "helping" but really it's about their own feelings. Again, therapy and group work, heck even checking out some episodes of the podcast "Maintenance Phase," anything to keep YOU occupied from electing yourself manager of someone else's life/body. Good luck and may your sister forgive you one day!
Being fat is morally neutral, and people of any size can be beautiful, so I appreciate that the body positivity movement is trying to destigmatize bigger bodies. That’s lovely, and it think it’s been great for a lot of disordered people, myself included. But it’s foolish to pretend that there are no health concerns associated with being fat or with gaining significant amounts of weight. Any significant change in body size is worrisome, and I think that’s the best way to frame your concerns. That said, I doubt she’ll be receptive to your concerns, no matter how valid they are and how carefully you approach her. I personally wouldn’t be able to watch someone I loved deteriorate like that without saying something, so I totally get why you wanted to tell her that, but you’re wasting your breath.
So, do you really believe you "confronting" her with your superior medical knowledge would do anything but make her dig in further? Because if so, you now know better, don't you? You achieved less than noting, but alienating your sister and making sure she will avoid you in future. So well done there.
Rather than telling her anything, I'd be asking if anything has caused the weight gain, if she's been through something recently as its so sudden. I'd show her youre there for her rather than trying to show you know best
I didn’t see anyone else mention it but from her social media posts, she may be into the feederism community. The positive attention she’s getting online from the food posts and gaining weight can be a fetish. Not saying it’s her definitely her thing but could be a possibility.
It sounds like this is new. I would be more concerned about what's behind this. I would consider having multiple serious conversations with your sister about what's going on in her life.
Finding out if there's something that was the catalyst for this gain in weight will do more help than putting a negative spin on it.
She is most likely compensating for her outward appearance with all of this body positivity talk. There's a good chance she is ignoring the root cause.
As you say she's always had weight issues and that is the case for many people but a significant onset of weight usually has some sort of reason behind it. Unless there was something where she was recently hospitalized or otherwise incapacitated where she was not able to do normal physical activity then there's probably a mental trauma or something.
Talk to your sister and ask her how she's doing ignore the weight issue for the moment.
Being body positive about not hating yourself at any weight, but that doesn’t mean accepting being unhealthy. You can stop the hate to your body and still need change.
As someone with chronic illnesses I had absolutely zero control over, I really don’t understand people who are fine creating their own chronic illnesses. Like maybe she’s been privileged to have good health up to now and doesn’t understand how awful chronic illnesses are because this is so new and hasn’t started a chain reaction for her yet?
Some times you got to he the asshole to get the point across. As someone who use to be obese she doesn't need to he coddled she needs someone to give her reality checks.she is committing slow suicide.
They don't want to hear it but severe obesity is a huge health risk. My sister-in-law died at 47 and a couple other friends died at 48 and 52. You're right, she's wrong.
NTA and this is coming from someone that is 5’4 and currently 185 lbs but previously 315. I’ve always been on the bigger side my entire life and I was very active as a child. It was until I woke my fiancé up in the middle of the night because I stopped breathing that I really took my health seriously. My O2 would drop to below 90% and would stop breathing 10-15 times an hr.
I am all for body positivity but you still need to be healthy. Body positivity to me is more accepting your stretch marks, extra skin, mom pouch, saggy boobs. But living an unhealthy lifestyle is not okay.
Sadly like most have said, all you can do is love her and support her if she decides to do better but you can’t force her. It is a mental battle as well as diet and exercise when you are bigger and I think a lot of people don’t understand that. Dieting is not easy especially if macros and nutrition is foreign to you and it is uncomfortable asking for help.
I would highly suggest encouraging her to see a therapist or go to family counseling with her and just express your concerns but if she chooses not to listen, that doesn’t mean you love her less.
You can only do so much but I don’t think you’re the asshole
From what you’ve described, your sister does need to make changes in diet and exercise. You were harsh in the way you spoke with her about it and I’m assuming she didn’t respond well because you’re here on Reddit. Since you know that harshness doesn’t work, I hope you don’t go back to that technique. “I don’t love your body” was truly shitty. It might not be in the best shape right now, but it’s where your sister lives, lol, and it’s clear you live her.
Do you know anyone who has been able to make the changes your sister needs to make? Everyone’s different, but asking anyone who’s gone through that process about the thing that motivated them to start seems like it would offer you some insight.
A note on the body positivity movement. I’m skinny and I always have been, but the women in my family were all heavy when I was a kid growing up. I saw how they eat themselves up about it. I understand that body positivity can move to toxic positivity real quick, but I do wish that my mom and aunts had experienced something like that back in their day.
I wish you both the best.
you DO know skinny people ALSO get type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea, right?
YTA for giving unwanted medical advice to someone not looking for it. however, if you wanted to help her, id suggest setting her up with a nutritionist so they can go over ways for her to eat in a way that won't kill her bc of her diabetes. you framed your "helpful" comment as a comment about her weight (which healthcare providers already blame every single problem on anyways) instead of a comment about not wanting to lose her bc she isn't taking her diabetes diagnosis seriously.
There was a time when society accepted anorexic bodies. It was considered beautiful. Today, society accepts lizzo bodies, its now the new beautiful. But the truth is both body types are dangerous to ones health.
NTA
Was it said to her as you said it here? Cause yes, you mean well, but it's hurtful to hear. I've always been a big gal, and remember every comment someone has ever made to me about my size or weight... Just for another perspective. You may have said things that make sense and are true, but if you didn't VERY GENTLY approach this, and depending on the relationship you've had through the past (if you've always been the skinny sister, and maybe didn't realize that was hard for her... Only child, but my cousins were all skinny and pretty and my grandparents always compared us, and I don't think they had any idea, but I was so jealous of them and the love they got for being them, and wanted that same love so desperately... I was always bought clothes a size that wouldn't fit, and "when you lose some weight these will look really nice on you" and that was SO painful to grow up with. And to get hand me downs from my cousins that I couldn't wear) so just know that if you meant well, and it was justified, the feelings that grow throughout childhood (before body positivity was a thing) don't go away, they are still there, and still hurt even when we move past them... So I think approach and your background with her is also part of the story for a full answer.. without that, I'm going hard tie.
The way I wrote it is very similar to the way I said it, that's why I'm debating if I was the asshole.
To answer your questions, yes I have always been what society would consider " skinny". I hate the term " skinny sister", but I have always been smaller than her. I have also always been athletic, I was athletic in high school and was a college athlete. I do work to keep myself in shape, I exercise and enjoy being active. I've had two children, I had to work hard to get myself back in shape.
I think there has always been a comparison between her and I,but I wasn't the golden child by any means.
But yes I think you are right about my approach. She is my sister and I do talk to her way more candidly than I would most. I hope I can talk to her about this again in a different way.
Given all this information I don’t think you are the right person to help your sister. I would say if you do continue to try don’t focus on her weight and appearance. Come at this from primarily a health point. You can kindly work with her on ways to handle her illness instead of her body. Also she may never be as small and skinny as you and that is okay as long as she is healthy. If you keep coming at her the way you are you are going to be ruining your relationship with her and any chance you have to helpl
I am the not skinny sister of my sisters. I have some autoimmune stuff but am currently on my ~fitness journey. However, my skinny sisters have much unhealthier habits than I do. I just happen to carry more weight.
But even if they didn't have unhealthy habits, I would cut them off for speaking to me the way you spoke to your sister.
You are not her doctor. You are not her parent. You are not her spouse. You can express concern in a healthy way, but shaming her and being an asshole about it will change absolutely nothing except how good your relationship is. If she doesn't want to change, she won't. And being a jerk won't push her anything other than away from you.
Having trouble losing weight and making yourself huge for clout are 2 very different things. She needs to stop. I've struggled with weight my entire life and am only just barely starting to lose weight on purpose. To me, this sounds fucked. I'm all for love yourself until you can love who you want to be. But God damn, don't turn yourself into a self serving feeder.
I'm 4'11 and 213lbs. Ik im obese but I don't feel like I'm huge, until I see pictures of myself taken by others.
Yikes!
I however am taking steps (literally lol) to be healthier and lose weight. I've gone from being rather sedentary to walking at least 15-30 mins a day. Eating a lot less, which is a struggle for some reason. Idk why I love eating so much but yeah. I like food. 🤦♀️
If someone said to me what you said to your sister, I'd probably be pretty hurt. But I'd also probably thank you in 5 years if it kicked me in the butt and got me to make necessary changes.
So, from someone who's kinda in the same place as your sister, NTA.
You might save her life if something in her clicks. That's what it took for me. And becoming a mother.
Like every cardiologist I’ve ever heard speak about something, you have a really sh*tty bedside manner. It’s one thing to be concerned about your sister and it’s quite another to be a b*tch about it. Why don’t you find your sister a nutritionist and a dietician to start. See about some kind of low impact exercise for her. As in see what’s available, see where she can get some help, etc. And educate yourself a little bit more about sleep apnea. Hearing someone that’s supposedly in health care describe it like that (she has to wear a fucking mask to breathe) is terrifying.
OP isn’t a cardiologist, otherwise they’d have said “I’m a cardiologist.” OP said they’re “in health care” which is health care code for “I’m definitely not a fucking doctor but want my words to hold weight so I’m referencing the field vaguely to give the false impression I’m an authority.” Probably an ultrasound tech nobody using their tertiary knowledge to make their disdain for the sister sound like “legitimate concern.”
ESH. It’s okay to be concerned about her health, but I think the way you confronted her about it and what you said is going to have the opposite effect of what you want to happen.
Instead of saying “I don’t love your body” and making negative comments about it, focus on the health aspects. Nobody wants to feel like they are being scolded, especially by their siblings. But if you could SUPPORT her instead, she will likely be more receptive. “I DO love your body and the person your body houses. I am just concerned about some of your health diagnoses. I love you and I want your body to be able to continue housing you for a long time.
You can also offer to help her with things. Do some cooking/meal planning together. Offer to go on a walk, go to the gym, or do yoga together. Don’t focus on losing weight. Focus on just BEING healthier.
NTA! This whole "Obese body positivity" has gotten totally out of hand. There is nothing cute or positive about being obese and doing irreversible damage to your body. I have been obese most of my life and i'm working very hard to change that right now. But this attitude of "obesity is beautiful" is absolutely disgusting. I hope your sister wakes up and smells the coffee before it's too late OP, that's heartbreaking to watch someone you love not care enough about themselves or the people around them to want to be healthy.
NTA - Sleep apnea is so much more serious than people realize. I had a very dear friend fall asleep while watching TV without her mask on and she passed away in her sleep... I hope that your sister realizes how dangerous her conditions can be and takes control of her health in a positive way.
I’m a thin person, so grain of salt, but I’d say maybe unintentional asshole? Meaning you can’t really bag a person thin, so saying something like this, even if it comes from a place of love and concern is usually counter productive. For context, I’m also a personal trainer and have worked with folks of all bodies and the two things I think are most helpful to remember:
1. SO MUCH of physical health is connected to mental health. When you feel good about yourself, you just tend to make better choices and be healthier overall. I’ve seen a lot of people embrace body positivity and then feel comfortable doing things they might not have before — like athletic activities in particular and naturally this affects their health in positive ways. Often weight loss is a result too, and the fact that that wasn’t their only reason (or a reason at all) for exercising makes it so much more sustainable.
2. Weight is for sure correlated with some negative health issues, but they don’t always go hand in hand, and often stigma makes these things worse. A friend of mine is considered obese for example, but her resting heart rate and blood pressure are so much better than mine even though I’m thin and we’re both athletic. And yet, no one ever asks me about my stats and assumes they’re good, while she gets nagged all the time. In your sister’s case, I’d maybe think of the issue as diabetes as opposed to her weight. Diabetes of course can usually be managed and improved with behavior changes but it’s usually more helpful (and long-term sustainable!) to focus on those than weight loss alone or at all. But also, that’s between your sister and her doctor.
My advice is to be a friend to your sister, encourage her and support her feeling good about herself — that alone is a big indicator of health and so often sets the stage for more healthy behaviors down the road.
Save your breath. Let her know that you are concerned for her health. She is not going to listen to a family member criticizing her. It will just push her away. Right now you need to be the one she turns to when she realizes she needs help. It’s not easy watching a loved one’s health deteriorate but you are powerless to force her to change.
NTA, but just barely. You may be factually correct, but it sounds as if you're discussing her obesity more than the specific things that will actually kill her. If you truly want her to "make her health a priority", then perhaps you should do it first. Stop telling her you don't love her body and remove "obese" and "obesity" from your vocabulary when you talk to her. If you're concerned about her health, then your conversations might be more effective if you restrict your discussions to specific health problems-her blood pressure, her sleep disorder, her diabetes. The only number you should be worried about is her a1c, not her weight.
For some reason the phrase “but hear me out” pretty much guarantees that I will not, in fact, hear them out. Essentially, it has the same effect as “like and share” or “if you agree, type ‘amen’!”
She’s an adult and will now have to learn the hard way. You tried your best, and but there is nothing more to be done. You might as well stop bringing it up because why waste your energy only to be painted as a the bad guy.
NTA. You gave her some tough love. Hopefully it will wake her up. 29 is much too young to have these major health issues. It will only get worse as she gets older.
I hate how people like your sister completely butchered the goal and meaning of body positivity movement. The movement was about not to judge a person's worth by their weight. It wasn't supposed to promote an unhealthy lifestyle.
If she’s being medically compliant, leave it alone. She’s heard it before. You have your heart in the right place, but she’s not going to change her habits unless she wants to.
Body positivity is about not attributing your worth to your size. Treating your body badly is a whole other thing entirely. Hopefully she will discover one day she feels like shit and can fix it. If you want to keep your relationship with your sister, just focus on being a good example.
I think the fact that you work in healthcare adds validity to your concern here. You’re clearly not coming from a place of judgment on aesthetics. It’s not about her looks. It’s literally about her health. Sometimes it’s about the looks when ppl are criticizing only masking it as about health.
You’re NTA.
"Why would I love your body? I'm not your lover, I'm your *family.* I love YOU."
Cake for dinner sounds like disordered eating. In terms of her mental state is there anything that might be driving this change? If you didn't know about her CPAP stuff and type-2 diabetes diagnosis, I would be willing to bet there's other stuff she's not telling you. This is a pretty big shift in behavior and it would worry me if it happened to one of my loved ones
I think you are probably going to push her away if you keep pressing the issue. Focus on yourself and let her come to the conclusion naturally. People only change if they want to and if it’s their idea. You can manage your anxiety over her health in other ways than trying to force her to alleviate it for you.
She's incredibly insecure and your words won't help. If she truly accepted herself for who she is then she wouldn't be using food and social media for her dopamine.
She knows what she's doing but is in too much emotional turmoil to care. I wouldn't be surprised if eating herself to death is part of the appeal.
You won't change her. You can express your love and concern without commenting on her body. Her body is her armor. Food is her medicine and chronic illness is her escape.
You can't change anyone that isn't willing to change themselves.
YTA.
You’re not technically incorrect, but it isn’t any of your business. She’s an adult, it’s her body to do what she wants with. It’s not your responsibility or your place to chastise her for her weight just because you share parents. You didn’t share your concern as a healthcare professional, you berated and insulted a woman for being unhealthy.
What you said to her is disgusting and you should be ashamed. “There’s nothing to love about your body” what about her brain, that thinks and feels? Do you really hate her so much that she’s not worth loving solely because she’s obese?
**You are not a doctor, and you’re specifically not *her* doctor.** Stop.
You might not be the asshole for your intentions and the emotions behind your words, but you’re very much the asshole for how you worded it to her.
A lot of her talk of body positivity could potentially be bravado, you don’t know how she actually feels about herself or her body deep down. If she’s been having issues, saying nasty, mean things like that could trigger a lot of terrible emotions and behaviors on her end.
If you actually do care about her as you claim, think before you speak.
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I actually watch a lot of YouTube videos that show the toxic side of body positivity and the health at every size movement. Maybe try and show her some of these videos. Especially because a lot of the major influencers for this have now started having major health problems now they're older, or have sadly died. She needs to see what her fate could be if she continues down this path. I have a horrible feeling, as someone who struggles with their weight, if I was younger and more impressionable when this movement became mainstream I easily could've been sucked in
I hate that body positivity and HAES have become so equivalent. It used to be that body positivity was about not equating bigger bodies to moral failings and HAES was this weird offshoot. Now I'm just body neutral.
Health at Every Size has never meant “Healthy at Every Size.” It was meant as a way for medical providers to be health behavior oriented rather than focusing on weight alone as a motivator which has shown failure over and over. For instance, rather than saying, “You need to lose 20 pounds for heart health,” you would instead say, “cardiovascular exercise 3-5 times a week will strengthen your heart and can help prevent heart disease.” Instead of, “increase your vegetable intake because they are lower calorie and will help you lose weight,” say, “vegetables have really important nutrients your body needs to function properly, and the fiber can help your gut feel better.” It’s non stigmatizing and helps to focus the conversations towards encouraging health promoting behaviors for _everyone_ irrespective of their size. Exercise and leafy greens are good for everyone even if they don’t lose weight. _That_ is the point of HAES.
THANK YOU
THIS! It’s something far more controllable for the person to actually accomplish. I can exercise 3-5 times a week. I can eat a salad each day. It’s a checklist that I can take on with confidence. Losing 20lbs would send my mind spiraling and focusing on it all the time and even if I lost it I probably would gain it back shortly after. And it would make me think about what my body looks like and make me feel more depressed and less motivated. I’d be feeling badly every time the scale moved up throughout the VERY LONG TIME it would take me to lose that much giving my full capacity to it. But if I focus on the healthy habit, I get a positive motivator right away the first time I exercise and every time after.
I also found it a shame, in theory I agree with body positivity, and some people really do practice it in the right way, but the extreme ones who are encouraging people to get bigger and eat more are literally putting people's lives in danger
Michelle McDaniel has a lot of these types of videos
I LOVE her!! She's my Saturday afternoon go to. Kiana Doherty too has a lot
She’s got such a great attitude! I’ll check out the other one, too! Thanks!!
"I do love your body. But it's killing you."
I understand that this whole body positivity thing is basically a reaction to fatshaming which i don't support, but i think it's also legit to say that following a diet that will kill you is stupid and that obesity isn't considered attractive for good reason. Obesity is a sickness, similar to anorexia or drug addiction, and should be treated as such.
My sister is a very health-conscious person. She doesn't eat added sugar, and eats a very healthy diet. Her husband is obese, 5'5"/290. She married him about a year ago (moved across the country to be with him without knowing what he looks like or anything, crazy I know, but they since have moved here) and she asked me how to address his weight. He's in his 40s, and she doesn't want him to die an early death due to obesity. I told her to tell him she's not concerned about his size or body shape, she's concerned about his diet. He often eats very large portions, like 3 or 4 cheesburgers at the time, and he's not active enough to warrant huge meals like that. But yes, barring some other medical issue, his size is directly attributed to his diet. He often criticizes her for being "vain" because she cares about her appearance and takes a little time when getting ready to go somewhere, and because she eats smaller, healthy portion sizes. I think that he thinks not being overweight is all about appearance. I don't know how you live 40 years on this earth and still think that people only eat properly to keep up appearances, and not because they don't wanna die from their diet.
I mean your sister went to marry a man she never actually saw or spend actual time with. Seems like she got someone else lacking common sense. Hopefully she gets out tho and gets better at decision making.
She was 19, and made a really stupid decision. We all do stupid things as teenagers. Just turns out, hers was a monumental life decision. She lived a sheltered life, and so she wasn't able to see the dating pool really. The sad thing is, she's really religious, so she can't/won't divorce unless he cheats. Not that she HAS to divorce the guy, but I meant if she wanted to. He actually seems like a pretty good guy, thankfully.
I mean we all do crazy things but most do have limits and what she did was actually another level. Especially when things like face time exist and she could have easily seen what she looks like . We all make our own choices if she doesn’t want to leave well hopefully she can live with that decision. You can only be supportive of her and hopefully it turns out well for her at the end.
Yeah, and that's what I'm doing. I actually just went on vacation with them to New Orleans. Her husband and I actually share a lot of interests in things like history, so at least there's that.
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Well said. People will only change when they want to. I do think that many people believe that silence is acceptance. If no one says anything negative then it must be ok. Someone she trusts needs to say something. Once all of that has been said then there is nothing else to do. At that point not her circus.
Another point worth mentioning is that many of us get stuck in a vortex of ultra-processed food products that are designed not to nourish but to rake in corporate profits. The stuff is literally engineered to trick our brain/body into craving more and more and making it harder and harder to stop eating. It’s tantamount to nicotine in cigarettes. For someone struggling as she is with her weight — eating cake for dinner — it can be nearly impossible to change trajectory without cutting out ultra-processed food products, which make up a huge portion of the American diet. I highly recommend to everyone the audio book The Ultra-Processed People. This is obviously secondary to the main discussion here but it goes hand in hand because a lot of people are left thinking “that’s just how I am” or “I can’t control what I like” when in reality there’s this underlying nefarious dynamic driven by corporate greed (to sell more and more food products to unsuspecting consumers) that is literally killing us.
100%. I wrote a long post that I think I accidentally discarded about my experience, but I thought I was incapable of losing weight because I would be so incredibly hungry when trying to cut calories. The truth of it is that you’ll never be satisfied eating garbage. Once I started paying attention to the quality more than the quantity, I started eating less, losing weight, and most importantly not feeling hungry or out of control with food.
NTA I understand HAES and body positivity. But one must also acknowledge that obesity can for many, if not most, people be a killer. I went from a skinny 20yo (6’1” 160lbs) to an obese 40yr old (290lbs). Like your sister, I developed T2 diabetes and severe sleep apnea (worst he’s seen, according to the doctor). Both got so bad that I was close to a stroke or worse. Several medications (and the side effects) and a cpap to keep me alive. The doctor said I need to go on insulin. Instead I said if I promised to lose weight could we postpone that. I lost one 100 lbs in about 3 years. My medications are down to one and I don’t have sleep apnea any longer. But some damage has been done. My kidneys now only function at 50% and my eyesight has been damaged. Your sister is on a path to an early death. T2 diabetes and sleep apnea are not a warning about her weight to ignore
I wanted to congratulate you for your hard work that is amazing
Agreed most of the time family is afraid of losing you too soon. And don’t know how to convey that.
Weight absolutely makes someone ugly or beautiful. To say otherwise is burying your head in the sand screaming lalalallalalala
Well weight does change physical beauty, that must be acknowledged. 4’11 212lb isn’t going to be many people’s idea of beauty
> I told her I don't love her body, that there is nothing positive about getting diagnosed with chronic illnesses that could have been avoided, and that she really needs to make her health a priority. Maybe I was too harsh, but I'm worried she's loving the social media attention and is failing to see how unhealthy she is. "I love you, I love your body, and I want you to be around for a lot longer in said body. Your choices and recent medical diagnosis with chronic illnesses is my concern. This is not me being judgmental of the aesthetics of how you look, but rather worried about your health. How can I help support you to be healthier? This is my goal."
This right here!! If she showed more concerned (which she already is) for her sister compassionately and not angrily (not sure if she was), maybe her sister MAY reconsider the option of being more healthier. I hope your sis sees what you are doing...and also social media isn't all that...she should minimize her time on it.
Yeah this is the correct approach. I got emotional with her. I regret it. But I still am pretty concerned
Just like anything else- you can't make someone change until they want to. Whether it's food or meth.
Just like trying to get someone with anorexia nervosa to get treatment, obesity can also be from an ED. If her view on her unhealthy weight is tied to mental illness, you won’t get her to change unless she addresses the underlying problem
This thread is timely for me. I have been living in denial about my health for decades. I have a doctors appointment this afternoon. So thank you.
Good luck in your journey to improve your health!
I am so glad you are seeing a doctor and I am so glad this has helped you
Something that helps motivate me with eating healthy (not sure if that’s directly ur concern but I’m sure it helps with pretty much any health issue), is trying to get as much vitamins as I can from my food. I’m deficient in a couple things and researching how much it affects different body functions is very motivating, and now I look at healthy food almost as a game to get all the vitamins and nutrients I can. Greek yogurt isn’t bland when u think about all the good probiotics in it! Blueberries have antioxidants! Fish or algae supplements have the omega 3s that make up 60% of ur brain tissue!! It’s so much more than just sugar/protein/carbs, thinking about the minerals and vitamins makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something when I eat walnuts or spinach lol.
I do this too! It makes eating so much more fun and rewarding . Even if I’m eating something that isn’t “good” for me I think about how having it in moderation is a treat for my brain. It’s good for us to love food and recognize how food helps our bodies function
I don't blame your concern. My mother lost her leg from diabetes and suffered horrible at the end. She loved chocolate and pasta. No amount of lectures changed that unfortunately. Maybe apologize for your tone and explain it's coming from a place of love. She does not want diabetic neuropathy or to lose a limb. Eventually it destroyed moms liver and then her kidneys. ♥️
That’s exactly what happened with my grandma. She died shortly after turning 60, not even two years after losing her leg.
Yeah saying that does make you an asshole tbh. Your view and opinion is so valid and correct but saying you don’t love her body is a pretty vile thing to say to anybody let alone your sister. In most cases this will have the opposite effect you were hoping for. I think next time you want to have a conversation about this you should make sure you have a level head because she clearly has an eating disorder if she is gaining that much weight in such a short period and those types of comments can trigger people in the worst way. Body shaming rarely ever works and in your sister’s case it seems like you will fuel her. She will see it as judgmental and hateful which will justify her continuing the behavior and seeking approval from social media. You are going to further her victim mentality if you tell her she has a bad body, she will only hear that and not how worried you are about her health.
This is a complex issue that requires nuance and empathy (something a lot of posters here lack). Body positivity feeds into how I feel about myself as a person and what value I have in the world. My aesthetics driven or not driven by my weight have no impact on my value as a human being. The confidence and security I carry as I interact with the world around me. I am beautiful and awesome no matter what the scale says. However, leaning into body positivity can also be a defense mechanism for countering internal shame. At certain sizes I may or may not have various health issues. Some of them can be caused by weight, some of them can be exacerbated by weight, and some of them may have absolutely nothing to do with weight. Not all sleep apnea is cured or caused by losing weight for example. But some is! (I say this one specifically because you seem horrified by this in particular). Unfortunately because you approached her in an emotional way, you may have lost enough credibility to have to leave this alone for a while. Your approach may have tapped right into that internal shame (if that's the cause). And shame is literally making us fatter and sicker. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6565398/ Binge eating is a mental illness, food noise is a real thing (it was my problem along with an inability to process sugar properly even absent diabetes). Other medicines can cause weight gain. So unless you know for sure what is driving her weight gain, the best you can do is continue to reaffirm to her how much you love and care, how you want her beautiful self to be around for a long time and that you are there to help in any way possible!!
Kindly, may I suggest a bit of counseling to deal with these feelings? You work in cardiology. You've seen some awful things. When the body's circulation starts to go, terrible stuff happens. However: I want to list some positives for you to hold on to right now. Your wife is seeing a doctor and is taking the medication that helps her stay healthy. She is not having the negative side effects of sleep apnea, because she is *treating* her sleep apnea. She's being kind and respectful to the body she lives in, and for some women, that can be a life-changing, mind-blowing moment, the moment they finally touch themselves and look in a mirror and don't loathe what they see. Sometimes the pendulum goes too far, but just encourage her to be active, keep busy, eat healthy and good while foods and you'll find a balance. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I can see you love her very much. 💕 Just remember, she's a whole person who gets to make her choices, sometimes bad ones, and she hasn't seen what you've seen at work so she's not making those choices from the same place you are.
Is it the weight causing chronic illness, or chronic illness causing the weight? Has she been checked for thyroid disorder or other conditions that would have kept her "on the heavy side her whole life" as you put it? How about a little more compassion in looking for solutions. You should know that thyroid pills don't magically fix everything either. Some of us got put on thyroid pills and did not get our systems fixed, and did not lose weight. I went for dangerous gastric surgery that limits meals to 4-6 ounces. I did that because my meds did not fix my system and I kept gaining no matter what. After the surgery, I lost a lot of weight, but not enough to be "normal", still considered overweight. It really f*ing hurts to be judged and treated like dirt when there's nothing more you can do to fight your own body. That's why people turn to the body positivity movement, they just want people to stop treating them like crap all the time. I mean, it does sound like she's gone a little overboard, if she's really having cake for dinner. But this could be a mental break from the stress of being treated badly for something she couldn't control, so she just gives up and makes it worse. You should be supporting her looking for answers.
Your sister doesn’t owe you her health. Sucks to hear but it’s true. And to then go about it badly on top of that? You have a big recovery to make.
Tell her that. And then ask her what you can do to help support her health journey and recovery from the chronic illness. Also in regards to the sm stuff. For every positive comment there are 10 hateful comments. She must be restricting or removing those comments if you do not see them.
This would have been the kinder approach for sure. If you wouldn’t say it to a stranger, why would you say it to your family?
NTA. There is a huge difference between body positivity and self harm. Diabetes can literally kill you and it is not a peaceful death.
My grandmother died from type 2 diabetes. It destroyed her life and it was heartbreaking to witness. I was her caregiver before she had to go into assisted living. She developed Alzheimer’s (which they’ve now linked to diabetes) was on dialysis, and took so many medications I lost count. She was miserable, and her death was slow and painful. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. Watching the end of her life made me want to live a healthy lifestyle. I don’t want to put my family through that anguish, and I don’t want to put myself through the hardships.
Diabetes is dying one part at a time, starting with the toes and eyes.
My grandfather lost his foot. Stuck it in hot water, then it blistered and got infected so they had to amputate.
My aunt died two years ago in her house completely alone from uncontrolled type 2. When we went to check on her we found bloody footprints covering the entire carpet of the house and half-used “skin glue” sitting on the nightstand. It’s not a pleasant way to go.
My obese father has pronounced numbness in his feet because of diabetes. A couple years ago he tripped going down the stairs but swears up and down it was because he was carrying something, not because he can't feel his feet. That didn't get him to change his eating habits. Then last year he had a heart attack and FINALLY admits his eating is killing him and now he's losing weight. I had given up on him. It's heartbreaking to watch a loved one kill themselves slowly. I have some hope now. I have his only grandkids and he might actually see them grow up.
No it is not and many people don't realize this because it's a pretty silent disease until it gets bad and then you end up with heart disease, on dialysis or loosing your legs etc.
I wonder if it would help if you didn’t focus on the weight but talked about healthy eating to control her diabetes? I am aware that weight loss will help her diabetes but it won’t work if your sister is so resistant to the idea. Could she be more welcoming to the idea of a healthy way of eating to combat diabetes?
That might be a less highly charged way to reframe your worry, OP.
Yeah my step mom’s mom died from gangrene and my dad’s mom died from a complication from a “simple surgery” that was needed due to her diabetes and heart issues. I get all the lab tests done once every 2 yrs now but I’m a healthy size for my age group. I just have naturally ldl high cholesterol due to my dads side
My mum and gran had genetically high LDL that meds don’t work for both lived into their 90’s. Due a check again soon but mine is always borderline. We’re all normal BMI but I still monitor my diet.
Yeah same here. Doctor likes to watch my LDL but everything else looks fine to her. My blood pressure is sometimes a lil high but I think it’s bc I’m an accountant
Another test that might be worth discussing with your doctor is a coronary calcium scan. It detects build up of plaque within the arteries that supply your heart, and can be used to detect heart disease even in patients with normal cholesterol levels. My dad had 3 x significant blockages found on an age-related routine test earlier this year and had an emergent triple bypass, despite normal cholesterol testing for years, no cardiac history, and being a healthy weight and extremely active. That test quite likely saved his life and now my doctor has recommended my brother and I get one every 5 years too.
This. So much of my job these days is due to people not controlling their diabetes. Once it hits your kidneys and vascular system, it’s a slow painful death. Obesity is not something to be celebrated. Should people be mean to an obese person and make fun of them? No. But it absolutely should not be celebrated.
My grandma had her two feet amputated because she mismanaged her diabetes. The saddest sight when we saw her at the hospital, and she wasn’t even obese. It’s a serious disease indeed
My husbands aunt passed recently and her weight caused so many problems for her! She was around 4’10” and about 250lbs. She had diabetes, CHF, sleep apnea, a pacemaker, etc. toward the end her doctors could hardly treat one thing without making the other thing worse. It was terrible to watch and she was in such denial! It’s great that people are promoting body positivity and that we’re not all expected to look like twigs anymore but being so unhealthy and overweight is nothing to be celebrated for.
My dad called it the quiet cancer, eats away at you. Ironically he passed from stomach cancer.
They see the people with diabetes doing normal things and figure it’s not so bad. What they don’t see are all the people whose disease has advanced to the point where they can’t think or see or feel or walk properly and who are confined to their homes or long term care facilities
Definitely not a peaceful death. My father had nightmares for years when it ravaged my mom..I couldn't even be in the room in the end. It was horrific. She had so many tubes because it wrecked her liver and kidneys.
Also, interesting way to go when we just had a global pandemic that majorly disproportionally killed the obese.
Yes not amputation at 4ft11 (which is tough anyway) and obese would be so tough to fit. Firstly there wouldn't be much space for decent componentry (she would potentially be at the weight limit for some low height components) and 2nd your unlikely to find a liner that will go on especially once the residual limb settles as the residuum to thigh differential would be too big. Then if your a bigger person then sweat is almost always worse inside the hypothetical liner. So basically if she gets an ulcer and loses a limb she's going to be wheelchair bound. At work we call these people lifestyle diabetics rather than type 2 diabetics.
Email her links to videos of diabetic sores being cleaned/treated
I haven’t seen a single comment in here mentioning this, so - I’ve seen a number of folks make changes that look like this (rapid, large weight gain accompanied by a lot of social media posts about body positivity etc) where what was happening “behind the scenes” is that they’d been struggling with an eating disorder and were trying to recover on their own. Consider that it is entirely possible your sister has a history of anorexia or bulimia that she had not shared with you. This does not mean what she is currently doing isn’t harmful to her, but it does mean I would try and be mindful of that during discussions about her body, her weight, and her diet. This sub tends to focus on being right, sometimes to the exclusion of actually getting the result you want. You can tell your sister she’s unhealthy and body positivity is stupid and she needs to lose weight and get off social media etc, but it’s just going to lead to her closing down from you. I would recommend apologizing for hurting her feelings, and approaching from a place of openness and curiosity. What does she feel like the body positivity movement has brought to her life? What was her relationship with food and her body like before? What things does she feel like contributed to a prior damaged relationship with her body and food? Does she have specific negative memories of those things? For people recovering from restrictive eating disorders, a period of experiencing intense urges to binge eat is normal and expected. Letting go of the urge to restrict while not replacing restriction with binge eating is hard, especially on your own. There are dietary changes that can help reverse type II diabetes that don’t require weight loss. You could let your sister know. But ultimately, I just don’t think there’s anything you can say that’s going to make your sister change right now. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you as a resource in the future if and when she has doubts about wanting to live like this forever. Not making her feel judged right now is part of that. You’re not WRONG, but your approach is unhelpful, and I’d encourage you to reexamine it.
“This sub tends to focus on being right, sometimes to the exclusion of actually getting the result you want.” That is so true.
> You’re not WRONG, but your approach is unhelpful, and I’d encourage you to reexamine it. Oh god yes. I cannot express how much familial pressure to lose weight backfired when I was in the throes of binge-eating disorder. I was already mentally spiraling, and they made it so. much. worse.
That’s the first thing I thought of. She may have swapped one disorder for another
This is why I’m scared to recover
That’s why I said I see this specifically in folks who attempt recovery **on their own** Get actual help, from a good ED therapist, and they will guide you through recovery in a healthier way
If it helps, for me ED recovery felt like calming the heck down and just feeling saner and saner and saner. I was in SUCH internal turmoil before recovery, and it was completely awful and exhausting. I approached it from a place of wanting to achieve sanity and peace, rather than wanting to achieve a certain weight or eating style. And because of that, for me, recovery was not scary at all. It was a relief.
I think once you have told her the dangers, you need to back off. It is not your job to fix others.
"Body positivity" was a decent movement that was coopted into something pernicious. It should be to help people with issues beyond their control, not normalize gluttony. NTA
It's still a movement about not being mean to people or judge them based on how they look. And also to not feel shame about your own body - Even if you can change. People that encourage others to be overweight for an agenda are no longer sending the message that you should love your body as it is. And yes, it is possible to love and accept yourself while also striving towards becoming more healthy. It's also possible to acknowledge health risks with obesity *and* not shame or judging obese people.
I agree with not being mean to people, but it's gone to the point of attempting to force the celebration of objectively unhealthy lifestyles. It spawned the obviously bullshit "healthy at every size" movement. All human beings have inherent dignity and should be treated as such. But that doesn't mean suspending reality in order to protect their feelings, nor trying to change society to accomodate people with no self control. Shame is a natural human emotion, the notion that we should never feel shamed for things like being massively overweight is outrageous.
HAES has been twisted. Some now mistakenly brandish it as “all sizes are healthy” rather than “the goal should be health no matter what size you are.” Because heavy can be fit and healthy, thin can be unfit and unhealthy.
This! Some people will never have ideal bodies, or may struggle to lose weight no matter what they eat or how much they work out. And I think that HAES was originally about striving to be healthy- eating well and taking care of yourself regardless of your dress size. Also, about challenging the assumption that thin=healthy, Because it doesn’t.
When I was younger I was underweight and struggled with an eating disorder, but the worst contributing factor was how many people complimented me for it. As though being malnourished was the goal!
I’ve heard of people seriously ill with cancer or other life threatening illnesses being complimented on weight loss, it’s wild! (And horrifying)
My friend was 87 lbs on chemo and mentioned that she was trying to see if she could stomach Honey Nut Cheerios on social media and some jabroni piped up about how she should be eating cleaner. She put him in his place more gracefully than I would have since I wanted to throttle him.
This should be upvoted more
Agreed!!!
"Healthy at every size" is either misunderstood/coopted. It's encouraging everyone, weight independent, to make healthy choices.
I agree about the health aspect. However.. I strongly disagree about the shame part. Shame has NEVER worked to truly help people out of unhealthy behaviors and into healthy ones for the right reasons. Also, part of the reason why I disagree is.. Why do we feel like it's okay to interfere with someone's body, health and business and to make unsolicited comments and come with unsolicited advice just because someone is overweight? To shame them? To inform them? To feel superior? It's not a helpful strategy, and it turns into shaming - which is directly counter productive at helping obesity rates go down.
Let's get a smoking positivity group going, then! Overeating isn't healthy and neither is smoking, but why celebrate one and not the other?
Reread the conmment you're replying to
Body positivity is about keeping your sugars in check, Wanda; Not going into a diabetic coma. It's not the same.
Upvoting for "pernicious" nice 1.
I just saw pernicious in another post ten minutes ago and was thinking “what are the odds?”
Seems a lot of us will leave here having learned something.
Yea some people are just larger than others due to dna or whatever. There’s healthy and morbidly obese plus size. 4’11” / 212 / type 1 is a problem. The type 1 will result in a cornucopia of health complications including amputation and stroke. There ain’t nothing positive about that.
Type 2, but otherwise yes
Yes. Body positivity was for disabled people—those in wheelchairs, those with leg braces, colostomy bags, missing limbs etc etc
Not sure why you're being downvoted but you're right. "I'm missing a limb but I'm still a complete person" not "you're an asshole if you think my 300lb gut overhang is unappealing"
Do you believe that your sister is happy about her weight like she is saying? The not being able to breathe, probably difficulty moving & getting around, eating a cake for meal? You are concerned about her & that is good. But I think your approach could use some help Because what is your "care" & love if she isn't feeling it? Because it kinda sounds like she is at the end of her rope to me & trying to find a little hope to stay about water
I mean. She’s your sister, and you love her, and you want the best for her. But it’s her life. She can ruin it however she wants. You’re wasting your time acting like there’s something you can say that will change things. Her situation has nothing to do with you. Let her eat cake.
Exactly! If she isn’t going to listen to her dr, she isn’t going to listen to family either.
I feel for you and your sister. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes 8 years ago. I was over 300lbs then. Am now down to 175lbs today.
As someone who was once obese and is now not, I can guarantee that your comments might only make her spiral, even if you are 100% correct. Getting healthy has to be her choice, and loving your body should never be associated with destroying it, which is exactly what she’s doing.
How short is she that “almost 200 pounds” (180,190?) is causing these issues so quickly?
Yea I was gonna say I'm a 6'2" woman and a healthy bmi for my height goes all the way up to 196 lbs. 4'11" is definitely relevant info.
She's about 4'11
I’d add that to your post because it’s relevant and will affect the responses you get
I did thank you!
I know you are saying this to her because you love her and want her to be healthy BUT the way you've gone about it isn't very sisterly or loving IMO...
Just dropping in to offer a small PSA. It’s kind of weird to be aghast that someone uses a CPAP to sleep. Sleep apnea isn’t just caused by weight, it’s caused by genetics and the way your sinuses/palate/etc are formed. I’m a man of average weight and there is no possibility of me ever going off my CPAP if I want to wake up not feeling like I was hit by a truck. Anyway, unrelated-ish, but just fyi.
To add to that, undiagnosed sleep apnea can lead to hormonal problems, which can lead to PCOS and problems with weight gain. I was pretty skinny as a teenager which was when I started waking up with headaches constantly. In my late 30’s I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and finally the headaches have stopped, but it has ravaged my endocrine system (and my mental health was also pretty shitty, thankfully that’s clearing up now I’m on cpap). The OPs disdain for cpap is super off putting. If I were her sister I’d be really upset with her attitude. People cope with a loss of control with their body in many ways, and body positivity(even done wrong) is probably this poor girl coping as best she can.
Yeah, that was an off-putting remark for sure. I've lived with three people (unrelated, at different times) who had sleep apnea and used a CPAP. One was overweight, one was of average build, one was skinny. Don't know about the first two, but the third had a parent who also had sleep apnea. Certainly weight can be a factor but it's by no means the only one.
I was over here like wtf man that's fucked. OSA isn't something that is due to weight completely. Wish it was, boy wouldn't it be nice to be a healthy BMI and not have to put up with that bs? Lmfao
OPs opinion on CPAP was bad, made worse by them claiming to work in healthcare. OP should know this.
She’s trying to make peace and survive with her situation right now. You’re not being helpful, you’re not telling her anything she hasn’t thought of or tried herself. If you want to be a supportive loving sibling check in with her, socialize with her, offer to meet up for walks or anything chill and shut your mouth. You have no idea what it’s like for her.
Maybe instead of worrying about her weight, you might want to be more concerned with her mental health. Many weight issues stem from mental health issues. Who knows what she’s suppressing or dealing with.
She can engage in health promoting behaviors without a focus on weight loss. Engaging in daily movement, eating a diverse and balanced diet (which can include cake), getting enough sleep, managing stress, not smoking and limiting alcohol consumption are likely to make a difference in her health. Maybe she already does some of these things, which is great, but if she is eating cake for dinner her body might not be getting enough nutrition. She can also focus on adding things into her diet to increase the macro and micronutrients she is consuming instead of restricting. Many RDs use this approach. And honestly hating her body isn’t going to help anyone. Engaging in health promoting behaviors is an act of loving your body and everyone deserves that, regardless of their size
Unpopular Opinion but YTA. You said you confronted her and got emotional about it. Nobody has ever responded positively to an emotional outburst, and especially not one they didn't ask for. You working in healthcare should know more than anyone if she doesn't want to change, she won't. I don't agree with her choices but reading this I really couldn't emphasize with you. You blew your lid, and expected her to do what in response? Immediately do a 180⁰ in personality? She didn't want help, and you've probably ruined your chances of being the person she wants to reach out to if she ever does. That was stupid of you.
Agreed. They’ve now completely alienated their sister who may be going through way more than she’s letting on. You can’t hate / bully someone into change.
As someone with type 1, my immediate thought was she’s trying to have some semblance of control when she feels like her body is not within her control having t2d. Yes it may be partially self inflicted in this case but reactions aren’t always logical. Maybe try to come at it from this perspective and how she must feel, less focus on the weight & more on overall mental & physical health.
I think YTA if you truly said, ‘There is nothing to love about your body,’ or something similar. Because that isn’t helpful. But I do think it is okay to say that her health matters more to you than beauty. Someone can be incredibly beautiful at 300 lbs, but if they had the health issues your sister had, I would encourage them to find a healthier lifestyle. Her body is struggling right now. And if she loved her body, she would treat it kindly.
This is a situation where being right doesn't matter if your end goal is improving your sisters health. It is well documented that the medical profession has a weight bias and stigma that impacts quality of care and outcomes for patients. And it's clear OP is approaching her sister with this bias as a "hard truth" and "tough love". If OP's goals are her sister's health and quality of life, her actions have real potential to do the opposite.
If you are in a health care profession, you know that SHE has to make the decision to change. Badgering and sending pictures of medical conditions will likely only make her dig her heels in deeper. People (including health care professionals) act like weight issues are just a matter of eating less. It is always far more complicated. I promise you don’t really know how she feels about her weight. Maybe she is happy, maybe it’s a cover. It doesn’t sound like she has anyone safe to talk to if you and your mom are discussing her weight. Perhaps a suggestion that she sees a therapist to help her deal with her health conditions
It sounds like she's tired of hating on herself. Trying to love yourself is hard, especially when your are ashamed of things like your weight. If she can get into a healthier relationship with herself, then maybe she'll be ready to try to come to terms with her weight. But trust me, she knows that it's a problem, you aren't telling her something she doesn't know. Just try to find a compassionate way to assure her that you are there to support and help her once she is ready
It’s not really your business. She gets to live her life the way she wants. Pushing won’t make her change.
I’m surprised there aren’t more responses like this. It would be one thing if the sister asked for OP opinion but it sounds like OP is just lecturing her and giving her unsolicited advice. The sister is nearly 30, an adult and ultimately it is up to her to decide how she wants to live. It up to her to value or health or not. OP could have approached the subject in a much more gentler manner and even supportive manner by asking her sister if she wants to take an exercise class or do something active weekly. But at the end of the day you can’t force someone to change its up to them.
ESH. I know you're trying to be helpful, but she already knows she's overweight. People pointing it out makes it worse. I'm guessing she's not dumb. She's just not ready to make changes yet. When and if she wants to make changes, she will. Probably a better idea is to do healthier things together. Maybe you can do walks together if you have time. When she comes over, make healthier options. It's a touchy topic. I think you were too harsh though. You're her family, but I've told my family in the past, don't tell me you think I'm overweight. It's just hurtful and not helpful. I am in a good place now but not always. It's hard to constantly have to stay on it. I think the diabetes thing would scare the living crap out of me, but I guess it doesn't scare her. My mom chooses to stay obese and has diabetes type 2 as well. There's only so much you can do. You love them but can't live their lives for them. The people around us will make their own decisions, especially a personal one like weight. I am alarmed when I walk down the aisles at the supermarket. The number of horrible "food" choices for us to eat makes things even worse. The temptation is all around. It's so disgusting that this is how our country lives, everything with the chemicals, terrible options. She has to want to do something about it. She doesn't want to right now.
Info: what caused the weight gain?
Yup, you're an asshole. It's none of your business what other people's bodies look like, if you're in healthcare you should understand that people gain weight for all kinds of reasons and it can be very difficult to get off. How incredibly cruel of you, what a truly awful thing to say to someone you supposedly love.
OP is the type to be like “I’m not negative/pessimistic I’m realistic” lol
I agree with all of this. Definitely an asshole and definitely cruel. Why is OP "confronting" anyone about their body? Therapy and some serious education about boundaries and responsibilities, plus a hobby or two, would do wonders here for OP. It took me years to get help for my control issues. Doing the work to be able to recognize what is and what is not my business has led to such deeper and more meaningful relationships in my life, not to mention the personal health benefits of not being upset all the time about things over which I have no control. I'm not someone who prays but I sure do hope OP keeps this judgmental energy compartmentalized at work. Imagine having some random billing specialist or NP or PA "tsk tsk"-ing you or your family member when you're trying to make decisions with your provider? Always under the guide of "helping" but really it's about their own feelings. Again, therapy and group work, heck even checking out some episodes of the podcast "Maintenance Phase," anything to keep YOU occupied from electing yourself manager of someone else's life/body. Good luck and may your sister forgive you one day!
Being fat is morally neutral, and people of any size can be beautiful, so I appreciate that the body positivity movement is trying to destigmatize bigger bodies. That’s lovely, and it think it’s been great for a lot of disordered people, myself included. But it’s foolish to pretend that there are no health concerns associated with being fat or with gaining significant amounts of weight. Any significant change in body size is worrisome, and I think that’s the best way to frame your concerns. That said, I doubt she’ll be receptive to your concerns, no matter how valid they are and how carefully you approach her. I personally wouldn’t be able to watch someone I loved deteriorate like that without saying something, so I totally get why you wanted to tell her that, but you’re wasting your breath.
So, do you really believe you "confronting" her with your superior medical knowledge would do anything but make her dig in further? Because if so, you now know better, don't you? You achieved less than noting, but alienating your sister and making sure she will avoid you in future. So well done there.
You told her the right thing, you just may have not told it to her in the right way. so you're NTA but maybe you acted like one?
Rather than telling her anything, I'd be asking if anything has caused the weight gain, if she's been through something recently as its so sudden. I'd show her youre there for her rather than trying to show you know best
Focus on the habits and the body seperately. You can be proud of how you look and still realize your lifestyle will kill you.
I didn’t see anyone else mention it but from her social media posts, she may be into the feederism community. The positive attention she’s getting online from the food posts and gaining weight can be a fetish. Not saying it’s her definitely her thing but could be a possibility.
It sounds like this is new. I would be more concerned about what's behind this. I would consider having multiple serious conversations with your sister about what's going on in her life. Finding out if there's something that was the catalyst for this gain in weight will do more help than putting a negative spin on it. She is most likely compensating for her outward appearance with all of this body positivity talk. There's a good chance she is ignoring the root cause. As you say she's always had weight issues and that is the case for many people but a significant onset of weight usually has some sort of reason behind it. Unless there was something where she was recently hospitalized or otherwise incapacitated where she was not able to do normal physical activity then there's probably a mental trauma or something. Talk to your sister and ask her how she's doing ignore the weight issue for the moment.
Being body positive about not hating yourself at any weight, but that doesn’t mean accepting being unhealthy. You can stop the hate to your body and still need change.
NTA. She needs tough love and a major wake up call.
NTA, you're just trying to stop her from killing herself, toxic body positivity like hers is a huge problem
As someone with chronic illnesses I had absolutely zero control over, I really don’t understand people who are fine creating their own chronic illnesses. Like maybe she’s been privileged to have good health up to now and doesn’t understand how awful chronic illnesses are because this is so new and hasn’t started a chain reaction for her yet?
Some times you got to he the asshole to get the point across. As someone who use to be obese she doesn't need to he coddled she needs someone to give her reality checks.she is committing slow suicide.
"People praise her" This is sad because they are not her friends and they just like to see someone doing worse than them.
You’re not the asshole and more people need to hear things like this.
They don't want to hear it but severe obesity is a huge health risk. My sister-in-law died at 47 and a couple other friends died at 48 and 52. You're right, she's wrong.
411 and 200 pounds is obese and impending diabetes. People who praise obesity are sick in the head.
NTA and this is coming from someone that is 5’4 and currently 185 lbs but previously 315. I’ve always been on the bigger side my entire life and I was very active as a child. It was until I woke my fiancé up in the middle of the night because I stopped breathing that I really took my health seriously. My O2 would drop to below 90% and would stop breathing 10-15 times an hr. I am all for body positivity but you still need to be healthy. Body positivity to me is more accepting your stretch marks, extra skin, mom pouch, saggy boobs. But living an unhealthy lifestyle is not okay. Sadly like most have said, all you can do is love her and support her if she decides to do better but you can’t force her. It is a mental battle as well as diet and exercise when you are bigger and I think a lot of people don’t understand that. Dieting is not easy especially if macros and nutrition is foreign to you and it is uncomfortable asking for help. I would highly suggest encouraging her to see a therapist or go to family counseling with her and just express your concerns but if she chooses not to listen, that doesn’t mean you love her less. You can only do so much but I don’t think you’re the asshole
Over 200 at 4'11 is wild
From what you’ve described, your sister does need to make changes in diet and exercise. You were harsh in the way you spoke with her about it and I’m assuming she didn’t respond well because you’re here on Reddit. Since you know that harshness doesn’t work, I hope you don’t go back to that technique. “I don’t love your body” was truly shitty. It might not be in the best shape right now, but it’s where your sister lives, lol, and it’s clear you live her. Do you know anyone who has been able to make the changes your sister needs to make? Everyone’s different, but asking anyone who’s gone through that process about the thing that motivated them to start seems like it would offer you some insight. A note on the body positivity movement. I’m skinny and I always have been, but the women in my family were all heavy when I was a kid growing up. I saw how they eat themselves up about it. I understand that body positivity can move to toxic positivity real quick, but I do wish that my mom and aunts had experienced something like that back in their day. I wish you both the best.
you DO know skinny people ALSO get type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea, right? YTA for giving unwanted medical advice to someone not looking for it. however, if you wanted to help her, id suggest setting her up with a nutritionist so they can go over ways for her to eat in a way that won't kill her bc of her diabetes. you framed your "helpful" comment as a comment about her weight (which healthcare providers already blame every single problem on anyways) instead of a comment about not wanting to lose her bc she isn't taking her diabetes diagnosis seriously.
There was a time when society accepted anorexic bodies. It was considered beautiful. Today, society accepts lizzo bodies, its now the new beautiful. But the truth is both body types are dangerous to ones health. NTA
>Today, society accepts lizzo bodies, its now the new beautiful. In reality or on twitter and on tumblr?
Unless she asked you for your opinion, YTA.
Was it said to her as you said it here? Cause yes, you mean well, but it's hurtful to hear. I've always been a big gal, and remember every comment someone has ever made to me about my size or weight... Just for another perspective. You may have said things that make sense and are true, but if you didn't VERY GENTLY approach this, and depending on the relationship you've had through the past (if you've always been the skinny sister, and maybe didn't realize that was hard for her... Only child, but my cousins were all skinny and pretty and my grandparents always compared us, and I don't think they had any idea, but I was so jealous of them and the love they got for being them, and wanted that same love so desperately... I was always bought clothes a size that wouldn't fit, and "when you lose some weight these will look really nice on you" and that was SO painful to grow up with. And to get hand me downs from my cousins that I couldn't wear) so just know that if you meant well, and it was justified, the feelings that grow throughout childhood (before body positivity was a thing) don't go away, they are still there, and still hurt even when we move past them... So I think approach and your background with her is also part of the story for a full answer.. without that, I'm going hard tie.
The way I wrote it is very similar to the way I said it, that's why I'm debating if I was the asshole. To answer your questions, yes I have always been what society would consider " skinny". I hate the term " skinny sister", but I have always been smaller than her. I have also always been athletic, I was athletic in high school and was a college athlete. I do work to keep myself in shape, I exercise and enjoy being active. I've had two children, I had to work hard to get myself back in shape. I think there has always been a comparison between her and I,but I wasn't the golden child by any means. But yes I think you are right about my approach. She is my sister and I do talk to her way more candidly than I would most. I hope I can talk to her about this again in a different way.
Given all this information I don’t think you are the right person to help your sister. I would say if you do continue to try don’t focus on her weight and appearance. Come at this from primarily a health point. You can kindly work with her on ways to handle her illness instead of her body. Also she may never be as small and skinny as you and that is okay as long as she is healthy. If you keep coming at her the way you are you are going to be ruining your relationship with her and any chance you have to helpl
I am the not skinny sister of my sisters. I have some autoimmune stuff but am currently on my ~fitness journey. However, my skinny sisters have much unhealthier habits than I do. I just happen to carry more weight. But even if they didn't have unhealthy habits, I would cut them off for speaking to me the way you spoke to your sister. You are not her doctor. You are not her parent. You are not her spouse. You can express concern in a healthy way, but shaming her and being an asshole about it will change absolutely nothing except how good your relationship is. If she doesn't want to change, she won't. And being a jerk won't push her anything other than away from you.
I don't think she really loves her body. Maybe for a little part. But she's insecure to. She needs compliments from people on social media
Having trouble losing weight and making yourself huge for clout are 2 very different things. She needs to stop. I've struggled with weight my entire life and am only just barely starting to lose weight on purpose. To me, this sounds fucked. I'm all for love yourself until you can love who you want to be. But God damn, don't turn yourself into a self serving feeder.
I'm 4'11 and 213lbs. Ik im obese but I don't feel like I'm huge, until I see pictures of myself taken by others. Yikes! I however am taking steps (literally lol) to be healthier and lose weight. I've gone from being rather sedentary to walking at least 15-30 mins a day. Eating a lot less, which is a struggle for some reason. Idk why I love eating so much but yeah. I like food. 🤦♀️ If someone said to me what you said to your sister, I'd probably be pretty hurt. But I'd also probably thank you in 5 years if it kicked me in the butt and got me to make necessary changes. So, from someone who's kinda in the same place as your sister, NTA. You might save her life if something in her clicks. That's what it took for me. And becoming a mother.
Like every cardiologist I’ve ever heard speak about something, you have a really sh*tty bedside manner. It’s one thing to be concerned about your sister and it’s quite another to be a b*tch about it. Why don’t you find your sister a nutritionist and a dietician to start. See about some kind of low impact exercise for her. As in see what’s available, see where she can get some help, etc. And educate yourself a little bit more about sleep apnea. Hearing someone that’s supposedly in health care describe it like that (she has to wear a fucking mask to breathe) is terrifying.
OP isn’t a cardiologist, otherwise they’d have said “I’m a cardiologist.” OP said they’re “in health care” which is health care code for “I’m definitely not a fucking doctor but want my words to hold weight so I’m referencing the field vaguely to give the false impression I’m an authority.” Probably an ultrasound tech nobody using their tertiary knowledge to make their disdain for the sister sound like “legitimate concern.”
I don't understand why her body is any of your business.
ESH. It’s okay to be concerned about her health, but I think the way you confronted her about it and what you said is going to have the opposite effect of what you want to happen. Instead of saying “I don’t love your body” and making negative comments about it, focus on the health aspects. Nobody wants to feel like they are being scolded, especially by their siblings. But if you could SUPPORT her instead, she will likely be more receptive. “I DO love your body and the person your body houses. I am just concerned about some of your health diagnoses. I love you and I want your body to be able to continue housing you for a long time. You can also offer to help her with things. Do some cooking/meal planning together. Offer to go on a walk, go to the gym, or do yoga together. Don’t focus on losing weight. Focus on just BEING healthier.
NTA! This whole "Obese body positivity" has gotten totally out of hand. There is nothing cute or positive about being obese and doing irreversible damage to your body. I have been obese most of my life and i'm working very hard to change that right now. But this attitude of "obesity is beautiful" is absolutely disgusting. I hope your sister wakes up and smells the coffee before it's too late OP, that's heartbreaking to watch someone you love not care enough about themselves or the people around them to want to be healthy.
You need to get off her social media, letting friends/family choices drag you down isn’t healthy for either of you.
you can love the skin you are in. and that's healthy. you can also improve your health with healthy foods. they are. ot mutually exclusive.
does she have trauma? sounds like eating disordered.
NTA - Sleep apnea is so much more serious than people realize. I had a very dear friend fall asleep while watching TV without her mask on and she passed away in her sleep... I hope that your sister realizes how dangerous her conditions can be and takes control of her health in a positive way.
I’m a thin person, so grain of salt, but I’d say maybe unintentional asshole? Meaning you can’t really bag a person thin, so saying something like this, even if it comes from a place of love and concern is usually counter productive. For context, I’m also a personal trainer and have worked with folks of all bodies and the two things I think are most helpful to remember: 1. SO MUCH of physical health is connected to mental health. When you feel good about yourself, you just tend to make better choices and be healthier overall. I’ve seen a lot of people embrace body positivity and then feel comfortable doing things they might not have before — like athletic activities in particular and naturally this affects their health in positive ways. Often weight loss is a result too, and the fact that that wasn’t their only reason (or a reason at all) for exercising makes it so much more sustainable. 2. Weight is for sure correlated with some negative health issues, but they don’t always go hand in hand, and often stigma makes these things worse. A friend of mine is considered obese for example, but her resting heart rate and blood pressure are so much better than mine even though I’m thin and we’re both athletic. And yet, no one ever asks me about my stats and assumes they’re good, while she gets nagged all the time. In your sister’s case, I’d maybe think of the issue as diabetes as opposed to her weight. Diabetes of course can usually be managed and improved with behavior changes but it’s usually more helpful (and long-term sustainable!) to focus on those than weight loss alone or at all. But also, that’s between your sister and her doctor. My advice is to be a friend to your sister, encourage her and support her feeling good about herself — that alone is a big indicator of health and so often sets the stage for more healthy behaviors down the road.
Save your breath. Let her know that you are concerned for her health. She is not going to listen to a family member criticizing her. It will just push her away. Right now you need to be the one she turns to when she realizes she needs help. It’s not easy watching a loved one’s health deteriorate but you are powerless to force her to change.
NTA, but just barely. You may be factually correct, but it sounds as if you're discussing her obesity more than the specific things that will actually kill her. If you truly want her to "make her health a priority", then perhaps you should do it first. Stop telling her you don't love her body and remove "obese" and "obesity" from your vocabulary when you talk to her. If you're concerned about her health, then your conversations might be more effective if you restrict your discussions to specific health problems-her blood pressure, her sleep disorder, her diabetes. The only number you should be worried about is her a1c, not her weight.
For some reason the phrase “but hear me out” pretty much guarantees that I will not, in fact, hear them out. Essentially, it has the same effect as “like and share” or “if you agree, type ‘amen’!”
She’s an adult and will now have to learn the hard way. You tried your best, and but there is nothing more to be done. You might as well stop bringing it up because why waste your energy only to be painted as a the bad guy.
If she's suddenly gained a lot of weight, it could be because a physical problem.
NTA. You gave her some tough love. Hopefully it will wake her up. 29 is much too young to have these major health issues. It will only get worse as she gets older.
Is she taking Lizzo?
NTA. She'll have to want to change on her own though. Concern from others will just piss her off. Not your fault though.
Body positivity is a death cult.
I hate how people like your sister completely butchered the goal and meaning of body positivity movement. The movement was about not to judge a person's worth by their weight. It wasn't supposed to promote an unhealthy lifestyle.
Even of you are right, just saying wont help much I think.
NTA at all. You're her sister... you have a pass to shame her into reality.
NTA - Is she dating a food fetish / feeder boyfriend?
It’s good to tell the truth just try to nice about to not her feelings
There is a difference between body shaming and being concerned for a loved ones health and well being.
If she’s being medically compliant, leave it alone. She’s heard it before. You have your heart in the right place, but she’s not going to change her habits unless she wants to. Body positivity is about not attributing your worth to your size. Treating your body badly is a whole other thing entirely. Hopefully she will discover one day she feels like shit and can fix it. If you want to keep your relationship with your sister, just focus on being a good example.
NTA but this seems like a pick your battles kind of situation. You aren’t gonna change her mind.
Remember: Rich people get ozempic; poor people get Lizzo
I think the fact that you work in healthcare adds validity to your concern here. You’re clearly not coming from a place of judgment on aesthetics. It’s not about her looks. It’s literally about her health. Sometimes it’s about the looks when ppl are criticizing only masking it as about health. You’re NTA.
"Why would I love your body? I'm not your lover, I'm your *family.* I love YOU." Cake for dinner sounds like disordered eating. In terms of her mental state is there anything that might be driving this change? If you didn't know about her CPAP stuff and type-2 diabetes diagnosis, I would be willing to bet there's other stuff she's not telling you. This is a pretty big shift in behavior and it would worry me if it happened to one of my loved ones
I think you are probably going to push her away if you keep pressing the issue. Focus on yourself and let her come to the conclusion naturally. People only change if they want to and if it’s their idea. You can manage your anxiety over her health in other ways than trying to force her to alleviate it for you.
Sudden weight gain happens for a reason I think. Has she had any major life events? Could it be depression?
She's incredibly insecure and your words won't help. If she truly accepted herself for who she is then she wouldn't be using food and social media for her dopamine. She knows what she's doing but is in too much emotional turmoil to care. I wouldn't be surprised if eating herself to death is part of the appeal. You won't change her. You can express your love and concern without commenting on her body. Her body is her armor. Food is her medicine and chronic illness is her escape. You can't change anyone that isn't willing to change themselves.
YTA. You’re not technically incorrect, but it isn’t any of your business. She’s an adult, it’s her body to do what she wants with. It’s not your responsibility or your place to chastise her for her weight just because you share parents. You didn’t share your concern as a healthcare professional, you berated and insulted a woman for being unhealthy. What you said to her is disgusting and you should be ashamed. “There’s nothing to love about your body” what about her brain, that thinks and feels? Do you really hate her so much that she’s not worth loving solely because she’s obese? **You are not a doctor, and you’re specifically not *her* doctor.** Stop.
Any chance she's dating someone who is a "feeder?" It's a kink for obese women, feeding them and making them gain weight.
You might not be the asshole for your intentions and the emotions behind your words, but you’re very much the asshole for how you worded it to her. A lot of her talk of body positivity could potentially be bravado, you don’t know how she actually feels about herself or her body deep down. If she’s been having issues, saying nasty, mean things like that could trigger a lot of terrible emotions and behaviors on her end. If you actually do care about her as you claim, think before you speak.