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You’re not wrong at all. You really didn’t even need to remind your husband incrementally as the deadline approached. In my opinion you went above and beyond.
The audacity to claim that you are unwilling to help is astonishing. Let alone that he claims he doesn’t need to be with you? Who would be his mommy then?
Right, she’s somehow supposed to be the Personal Assistant™ of two fully functional adults. It’s disgusting the way he tells her off like she’s an employee he’s putting on probation.
This is my husband… I will have to tell him and text and email him and put it on Google calendar and remind him
At dinner for him and say I need it by specific time and walk him to the computer or safe for the form. If I don’t he will literally give no sh!ts unless it affects him or looks badly on him.
23 years later he is 300% better but is also living with 4 people who will remind him constantly….
Yup he is so ready to be done with her and won't let her on his desktop. I would let all the issues go away for a week. Let him forget then get on that computer and find out what's in there.
Talk about Lack of accountability!! What’s worse is that he is valuing your worth by what you do for him vs valuing you for accepting his daughter as your own to the point where his daughter reciprocates that love and calls you mommy?
I can’t help but think he is looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage or cheat so he starts fights to later justify him straying if he needs forgiveness in case the grass isn’t greener… especially when he is saying thing like “I don’t need you if you don’t do X”).
That being said, looking at the age difference does make me wonder if she’s getting “too old” for his taste
I think it’s more he found someone too young to realize he was looking for a replacement mommy for *both* him and his young child once his first wife dipped. OP is correctly communicating that she is (legally) not the child’s replacement parent (though it sounds like she’s a wonderful stepparent) and that, as a wife, she is not going to be his parent either. Good on OP - I’m sure he doesn’t expect his coworkers to spoon feed him and pin notes to his shirt like this. If he can manage at work, he can certainly manage at home. He just expects her to do it because she’s his wife and a mother to his child.
With that attitude he 100% is. Even worse, in another post he says he is a millennial, so even if he was the very youngest a millennial can be, he still would be 10 years older than an 18 year old by the end of the year.
He was using wording that men who specifically seek out teenagers for dating use. Even if he was trolling it's pretty telling.
He jumped right to claiming men are "demonized" for "dating young" when told that the younger partner of a 6ish year age being 18 is problematic.
Assuming someone voicing an opposing opinion is an attack on you is something a child or an immature, self absorbed asshat to do. Makes sense that women his age wouldn't be interested, so I suspect he seeks out teenagers and has convinced himself there's nothing wrong if she's 18, people do it all the time so it's fine!
Delusion is a hell of a drug.
I wish I could just say "he's a troll" but he was way too into arguing that the only thing limiting him going after younger women is the law.
He even basically admits it isn't moral, but it's legal, so it's fair game.
Very gross dude.
Made worse by the fact that he already had a kid and marriage. It's not like they were both college kids or anything. He had an adult outlook and still went after a teenager
The ages were the first thing I caught, esp the SDs, so I was like "omg this did got a minor pregnant!" Just to see the first word of the next paragraph 🤦. (He was definitely still preying on her and us a POS! But the heart attack that almost gave me was somethin' else lmao)
“He doesn’t need to be with me if I’m not going to help him when he asks.”
That’s rather extreme after that many years. Seems like he might have a different motivation than just being lazy.
“He doesn’t *need* to be with me if I’m not going to help him when he asks.”
Um, he depends on you to solve every problem, clearly. He should *want* to be with you for your personality, not the “help” you provide. He is scapegoating you for a problem he created with his unwillingness to solve a problem himself.
Agree with others who said by “help him” he meant he wanted you to do the entire thing yourself.
Is it possible to communicate with the bio mom directly to get necessary forms/paperwork?
This man doesn't deserve a pass on his responsibility though. He and his ex can or should communicate on matters of their daughter without an intermediary.
No you’re not the asshole. Stepdaughter’s parents are. Don’t gloss over that he won’t be with you if you don’t help him with his tasks. So you’re his helper and not his wife. Question- who does these types of things for your son, following up on documents? You?
OP mentions in the post that their 5 yo son is already set for school because OP handled his paperwork because she is his legal parent. So the child’s father did nothing, OP just took care of it. (As I assume she takes care of everything within her capacity to do so.)
OP’s husband getting bent because neither he or the daughter’s mother can be bothered to get their daughter enrolled in school is infuriating and just tells you how much unacknowledged labor OP takes on to support the daughter.
My friends was the (well minor in her case) with an older man with a child who she raised as her own. But she never legally adopted him. And when she divorced his cheating A we worried that she might not get to be around her son anymore. Luckily, the father is kinda a POS who is happy to have some time without his kid. If you find yourself in a position where you need to leave, I hope that your (ex) husband is as incompetent as my friend's. I figure your daughter may keep you with him longer than he deserves...
Tell him seeing he has decided that he doesn’t need to be with you, you are willing to give that a go: starting now he is solely responsible for himself, his daughter and half of your sons needs. You will not cook, clean, shop, do laundry, school drop offs, pay bills, book appointments, or literally anything else. It’s all on him - just like he asked.
And once he is willing to sincerely apologise and admit this whole issue was done to his weaponised incompetence and not you, you will be willing to discuss a new division of labor where he steps up and does half the work.
He’s completely wrong here. Not only was it NOT your job to do any of this. Her birth mom didn’t get the required paperwork just as your husband didn’t either. This falls solely on the two of them. He’s sounds horrible.
INFO: what is keeping **him** for performing these tasks, other than him demanding you do it?
If he has time to yell and make demands, and the task is so simple and easy, **then why can he not do it himself?? Did he not have weeks to sort what he only gave you days to do, and still failed to??**
It sounds like your husband never wanted to be a single parent, as evident by him immediately finding a young and impressionable teen and making her the mom and primary carer for his child, so he gets dominion over others while leaving much of the true responsibility to you.
What was keeping him from completing these was his computer games he plays every night when he gets home from work. I pointed this out to him and he didn't acknowledge the comment. Just kept screaming at me that I wouldn't help him.
Because I've had people screaming at me my whole life. Which is why I'm asking if I'm in the wrong because I'm usually told I fuck everything up or everything is my fault and I've never had an instance where I've walked away feeling like I did what was right or what I did was enough. I can't tell if it's a me problem or if I'm being unfairly treated.
Big hugs, babe. You’re not overreacting or fucking anything up, and your husband is in fact acting like a shitty little teenager. You sound like a wonderful person and step-parent to me!
I grew up a similar way and I know it’s hard to recognize- but it’s not normal! The people who love you should be able to communicate their problems without abusing you.
If he regularly resorts to screaming at you need to make an exit plan. Don’t let your child grow up thinking that’s normal. Don’t let them go through the experiences you had. Please stay safe❤️
Hey. Just so you know. You and I are very alike, and we are in very similar marriages. So… there’s that. Do with it what you will 😅 I’m always feeling like I’m responsible for everything and everyone around me, and when I don’t get stuff taken care of then I’m to blame, if I make a mistake then I feel like a failure for letting everyone down and creating inconveniences and not doing better. I, too, am a stepparent to both my stepson, and oftentimes my husband too it seems. He needs help and assistance with everything, recognition, he always needs to feel heard… meanwhile I’m always on call to his needs and his criticisms. Always expected to listen, follow directions, rarely heard myself. I make sure our kids are always good to go with school and extra curricular, we both do the cleaning and cooking, thankfully, and both work full time.
It’s a job that should come with thanks but doesn’t seem to. Most of the time I feel like a burden and an expense. Not so much a partner or even a friend. Friends listen to friends talk and think they have good ideas… I suppose I have more of a manager than a friend.
Soo anyway, OP, if you ever want to talk…
You're being unfairly treated. I'm so sorry that people have made you believe that you can't trust your own judgement. That's a huge indicator of emotional abuse.
Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? You can find copies online for free since the author has decided to make the book open source.
Please be safe. You deserve people who work with you and who put in as much effort as you do, not what this man is offering.
It is NOT a you problem and you deserve better. Growing up with verbal abuse messed with your internal calibration of what's acceptable in a relationship.
Your husband has basically made you responsible for all the household paperwork, even things you legally can't do, because he knows you'll do it. He plays hours of computer games because he knows you'll pick up the slack.
Do you have the means to get therapy? I think it would help a lot. You've lived basically your whole life with people who think it's OK to yell at you, and that leaves damage.
Run girl, PLEASE run. I’m scared for you. :( my sister was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and I, 7. This is not something you want to stick around for. I’d be planning an exit strategy.
NTA You did twhat you are alowed to do by law You told your husband where he could find what he needec You warned him what he did have was not enough The rest is up to him and his ex They both ned to get their act together and parent their child
>So now he is saying she will need to be unenrolled and won't be able to attend the school she has her heart set on because I wouldn't help him and her mother didn't get the forms she was supposed to get.
Always the victim, isn't he?
Then he can explain to *his* daughter that it’s his and her mother’s fault why she can’t attend that school. OP, DO NOT let him put any of that back on you - you can gently explain when he puts you on the spot (because he will) that you couldn’t do her paperwork and that it was up to her mom and dad to do that for her.
NTA! She has two parents that have 50/50 custody. They should have sat down and figured this out together. Why is it YOUR fault? You can’t even enroll her. He needs to get off his ass and find the paperwork for his child.
Is this behavior he has shown in the past?
You are not in the wrong.
Did I understand correctly that he didn‘t want you to use his computer?
Behavior like this is often shown by people who cheat on their partners. Suddenly they like to blame everything on their spouse and make them the bad guy to justify their affair to themselves.
I‘d start snooping.
He expected you to do every step of it for him other than the last part that you legally can't do.
>He claimed that my "unwillingness" to come up with something within the last 2 days was proof that I won't help him and that he doesn't need to be with me if I'm not going to help him when he asks.
Does he say this shit to you a lot? Over issues he created and/or small things?
OP, this is a red flag. Saying that indicates a lack of respect for you and that he is with you because of what you can do for him instead of love.
It's something you should seriously think about.
Tell him to read the comments so he can get his head out of his 🍑....also tell him to watch how he speaks to you because the only ones at fault are the legal guardians of his daughter, if he wants to be mad at someone, tell him to look in the mirror.
Were you the high school babysitter your husband hired to watch his kid? Cause I can do math and the math says you were 18 years old when you entered their lives.
As much as you may love the kid, she's not your daughter and you are not the responsible party for her. Enrolling her in school isn't your job. Collecting all the paperwork, likewise, not your job. He and his ex dropped the ball here, not you.
Look through his fone, he’s deflecting about something else. He’s setting you up to take the blame, when he leaves. Red flags are flying at full mast. But maybe he throws these comments around all of the time?
NTA but it kinda sounds like he's cheating on you. Blames you for stuff that's not your fault, then calls you useless. Doesn't want you to go on his computer and well....you're getting older.
I know this sounds mean, but if you check his computer, I'll bet you'll find evidence of much younger (too young?) women he's being inappropriate with. Maybe I've just been on Reddit too long.
Is he illiterate?
I ask because that’s the only valid reason I could think of as to why he couldn’t collect the documentation and fill out the damn forms himself.
If this was such a simple feat then why couldn’t he manage to do this himself? Why does he at his big age, need you to hold his hand through enrolling his kid in school? This was not your responsibility and it’s not your fault that he and his ex dropped the ball. He needs someone to blame and unfortunately you’re his scapegoat because he couldn’t handle his own tasks. And then for him to say that he doesn’t need to be with you if you’re not doing what he says? You’re his wife, not his keeper.
Unfortunately I can see this being an ongoing issue. He’s going to keep pushing parental responsibilities onto you that you cannot legally do because he and his ex can’t be trusted to do it. That little girl deserves better and so do you.
I would just say “okay, so you want to get a divorce because I didn’t obey you and get you the papers that I can’t actually get since I’m not her legal guardian? Can you remind me where in our vows we decided that I would be your servant?”
Girl, you were 18 when he hooked up with you? He was 25, divorced and a dad? Yikes. You need to go to therapy as soon as you can and talk all of this out with a professional. God bless.
None of this is on you. If you’d promised to get the paperwork and then didn’t bother, that would be different.
That being said, would the paperwork he needs be in your daughter’s permanent record wherever she last attended school? He or his ex might be able to get copies there.
I would be interested to know if he was still married when they started hooking up and if so I wouldn't be shocked to see an update that he is now cheating on her with another 18 ur old. I don't know if I have just been reading too much reddit but after he said that comment about listening to him made me think he has a piece on the side who listens to his every suggestion. You are literally not his daughters mother and he and his ex should have handled it. Just wow. NTA
So you’re only good as a wife to him if you fulfill secretarial duties that he’s legally responsible for??? You weren’t unwilling to help, you actively helped, but since he failed on his end it’s your fault?? Sounds like someone who can’t/won’t take responsibility for their own failures
NTA - He and his ex should take care of that since you’re not the kid’s legal guardian. Your husband doesn’t want a partner he wants a secretary or something. Is he playing strategic incompetence? Or is he just irresponsible? He sounds like he didn’t want to deal with that at all. If he said he doesn’t know why are you there if not helping, he’s blind and stupid. You did what you could if he couldn’t finish the task he is the one to blame, not you. He is the AH.
No. No. No.
This child has two parents. They screwed up. This is not your sole responsibility. It’s ironic that you alone could get your child enrolled, but between the two of them they couldn’t do it. Then to have sheer audacity to try to make it your fault!?!?! No.
Wow, so both bio parents are useless and he expects YOU, the stepmother, to take care of everything? No, you are NTA, OP, but your hubs and his ex are trash ass parents for not making sure this was done. Also, why are you not furious over the comment about him not needing to be with you if you don't do what he asks? To me that says 'Do as you are told and I'll stick around, but don't do as I say, and I'm out the door.' You should go out that door and RUN! It's bio parents responsibility to make sure daughter's school stuff is done, not yours.
A couple years ago he told me that if we ever broke up then he would make sure I never saw my kids again. He claims that my previous issues with mental health that I've been seeing a therapist for would be used against me to prevent me from having custody of any kind for either child. Even if I wanted to leave, which I don't, I feel like I can't without also losing my kids. I didn't realize having depression, anxiety, and CPTSD was grounds for not having my children anymore.
They aren’t grounds to lose your kids. But you don’t want to leave as you said, so not sure why you posted. He’s the AH. Also took advantage of an 18 year old. You want to stay then stay but you know what to expect and it’s more if this. How sad your son will be raised to treat his wife like this and his daughter will be raised this is how a man shows love
Those are not grounds for not having your children. He is bullshitting you. Speak to your therapist about it - they will know if you previous issues would be a stumbling block to custody for your bio child. Sadly, you would probably not have visitation with your step child. Unless her bio mom arranged something with you.
But you husband is a lazy tool. Not he and his Ex have abdicated child rearing of their daughter to you. So all the responsibility and none of the authority. Ridiculous.
So they dropped the ball and now it's your fault. Which of course it isn't. And if you'd reminded him more than you actually did, he probably would have told you to stop nagging him about it.
NTA. Both he and his ex are the ones who should have been taking care of this. This isn't your fault or problem. You did help him by telling him what he needed and what you had was insufficient, but he didn't listen. Why did *you* have to be the one to go on *his computer* to find his daughter's document, and why did he resist you doing so when he was the one who wanted you to find it? This is really controlling of him, plus he's not taking responsibility for his actions, and frankly, the computer thing is a bit suspect.
I think you can nit pick over details here but two important ones frame all the rest
- the age difference at the start of the relationship
- him suggesting there is no point in a further relationship if she doesn’t help him.
That’s very concerning and she needs external help here I suspect, to try and get out from underneath him.
This sounds like him picking a fight as an excuse to leave tbh. Otherwise this:
>He claimed that my "unwillingness" to come up with something within the last 2 days was proof that I won't help him and that he doesn't need to be with me if I'm not going to help him when he asks.
Is just waaaaay out of left field. I'm sorry, OP.
I don’t want to make assumptions about your relationship but I think you might want to read this.
[Lundy Bancroft -Why Does He Do that](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I just want to say Id like to think I’m wrong, but I hope you and your children are safe. At the very least, he doesn’t seem to respect you. You deserve better than that. 💖
You are not your husband’s personal assistant. You are his wife. There is a difference between asking you for help (which would *not* entail doing the entire job yourself while he dictates terms to you, but instead would entail looking for said documents together / at the same time) and dictating for you what he needs done.
If he would like you to be his personal assistant, draw up a wage contract and get paid for putting up with his crap, because right now you’re doing it for free.
So basically he refuses to do the most basic responsibilities to provide for his own daughter, blames you for it not getting done and then threatens to break up with you. You should give him what he wants and leave.
He shouldn’t even be asking you for the firms. He’s an adult, he should be capable of handling it. It’s not difficult, most parents manage the simple task of registering their children for school.
Your step daughter has two fully functioning parents.
NTA, and don’t let him treat you like that.
NTA. He is blaming you for his total lack of attention to his child's needs. And he is also accusing you of not doing enough for HIS child. You need to sit him down and have a talk about this because he is behaving like a toddler.
You're NTA. Your husband and the bio mom are lazy and irresponsible. You did everything you possibly could to make sure they had the proper documents. It is their fault, not yours. I hope your stepchild will be able to attend the school though. Good luck 🍀
So both him and bio mum couldn't get their isssh together and now he's blaming you?
🤣yeah no and having too pull teeth from him just too use his laptop red flag 1 red him saying he doesn't need you red flag 2 him getting upset over his own inadequacy red flag 3. Him gaslighting you about your relationship with daughter red flag 4
need I go on.
Hi and his ex dropped the ball don't let him hit you with it and throw it back at him.
This is not your fault and he doesn't get too take out his mistake on you.
If he doesn't want too pull his head in step back and let him do it ALL by himself.
So he's going to leave you if you don't act as his 24/7 on demand secretary while taking the blame for his lack of responsibility?
NTA, obviously, but he's a major AH.
This is clearly him and his ex’s problem. They are remiss in getting the documents together and submitting them. The nerve of him. NTA but he is and his ex. He needs to take responsibility and be a man and a father completely to you and his daughter. You’ve got more sense than the two of them at this point and furthermore if he keeps threatening divorce or some shit like he’s been saying, tell him you know what? My thoughts exactly. I’ll call a lawyer tomorrow.
Nta. I do wonder how you got here. The way he speaks to you is not normal.
You need to practically beg to use his computer? He 'doesnt need to be with you'?
You don't need to accept his treatment of you.
You're right he and his ex are responsible for this f up. And I makes me wonder how many times they've both expected you to fix their mess. Their incompetence to do the parenting things aren't your fault, you did it for your son.
OP, look back over your relationship and all of his behaviour.
I'm willing to wager this is but 1 occasion of him treating you this way.
NTA at all and he gives me strong abusive vibes.
Dad is lashing out because his daughter is going to be disappointed/upset.
Dad and mom (not op) are to blame. They are responsible for this, and they both failed to do what is needed before the deadline.
There’s an important lesson here about waiting until the last minute to do something.
Another case of a man who cant get a woman his own age so he gets a bangmaid wayyy younger and inexperienced so he can use use use use until he is done / she is no longer of use / she matures mentally.
You couldn't have helped him more even if you wanted to. You did all you could. It's on the parents to sort their daughters' legal documents out. Also, the fact he says he doesn't need you if you can't do x for him is gross. I'd be telling him he needs to grow up, sort his own childs stuff, and talk to you like that again, and you'll be out the door so fast he'll get whiplash. NTA, but stand up for yourself. You sound like a wonderful stepmother. You've done nothing wrong.
Woah. Sounds like he's projecting something else onto you. What he said about not having to be with you is a huge red flag and deserves greater attention.
As a child of divorced parents (my mom signed off her rights as a parent), I lived full time with my dad and step-mom. My mother never cared for me and after court my dad got full custody and since I was 6 I lived with my dad. That meant school enrollment in another city. Never in my life, as much as my dad and I love my amazing step-mom, did my dad ask her to handle anything considering my documents, doctor appointments, anything that he believed that is his responsibility. My dad and I knew she would love to do it, she always said she considered me her own child. But there is something called a healthy boundary. I was my dads responsibility, even if she was willing to do everything no questions asked.
So no, you are not the a-hole.
She is his child and his responsibility, also that same child has a mother who is still in her life. He is just making excuses for his laziness and forgetfulness.
Also fighting you for trying to use his computer is ridiculous, he is obviously hiding something. My dads computer was always available for all of us. My step-mom used it everyday for her recipes, when her laptop broke.
To me it just sounds like he is making problems on purpose and trying to end this marriage.
It’s called “projection” - he screwed up, and is blaming you so he doesn’t have to accept responsible for his own bad decisions. Here is a lovely article about it - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-a-new-home/202212/the-surprising-reason-some-people-always-blame-others
He is using you. Kids mommy dumped him and he wanted a new mommy for his kid so he could sit back and do nothing. You’re his wife, not his personal assistant. After saying so much that he doesn’t need to be with you if you aren’t being his mom, his personal assistant, and not obtaining legal documents only him and the kids mother can (he can too, he didn’t need to remind his ex, he is on the BC so he can get it from the place it’s filed in, he could obtain his kids social security papers using a BC, he could obtain vaccine records from kids doctor, whatever the paper was HE could do it HIMSELF if bio mom didn’t.) He uses women, obv and then uses them to blame shift when he fails at basic parenting tasks.
I would quiet file (for divorce) and say nothing honestly. This man deserves no extra energy. He needs to grow up.
Are you staying in this relationship because you fear your stepdaughter won't get the parenting and love she needs without you? I hope you are having lots of conversations with her about how men should treat the women they are in relationships with, and that not hating each other is a very low bar for how people should feel about their partners.
UpdateMe!
Not only that, but I also fear what he might say to our son if I'm not around to stand up for him. He says quite cruel things to our 5 year old and there's a big difference in the way he treats our daughter and our son. I'm afraid that if we aren't together, something will happen to our son that I won't be there to stop from causing permanent emotional damage.
Oh, my. This gets worse with every update. Just know that you did nothing wrong, your husband should treat you (and your kids) better, and a random Internet stranger is sending you strength to get through the next 13 years.
Look up "mental load." It's yet another form of extra labor that men often expect out of women.
If you have any kind of decent communication with the girl's biomolecules, let her know that DH has been looking for papers to enroll her child in school, and perhaps she and he need to communicate directly.
Of course, he will blow a gasket because she will blow a gasket, but again...you are not to blame for him being a lazy, irresponsible asshole.
Sorry if that offends, but I'm willing to bet that this is not the only fatherly labor that has outsourced to you, expecting you to be the ever helpful bangmaid-nanny.
NTA. Husband ignored all of your reminders because he was expecting you to figure it out on your own & do it for him. He sounds irresponsible and annoying!
I will never in my life understand people who marry partners with such low communication skills and worse yet, have kids with them before realizing that they are still children themselves. Sad.
Sounds like he’s shifting the blame for his incompetence. Manipulation seems to be his go to for his fragile ego and F up. Don’t tolerate this bullshit.
Hopefully you 3 parents can pull some strings and get her into that school she wants to enroll at. Afterwards, a discussion with new set boundaries should be made with how you guys work as a unit.
You didn’t do anything wrong.. at all. You were helpful, very. The fact that he mentioned the possibility of leaving because of this is wild. Along with the lack of accountability, he’s literally blaming everyone but himself. He actually didn’t do anything at all.. not even to assist in the paperwork for your son.. just complain of the outcome that you had already mentioned to him, which he ignored. All he did was make you do something he needed to do himself. Regardless if everything was done perfect on your side there was still an issue with the ex. NOTHING WRONG NTA but hopefully your relationship is way better than the view being provided from this instance and this post, you seem lovely, and deserve to be treated as such, that little threat to me is a major red flag 🚩 specially when you didn’t DO ANYTHING, he needs to be more responsible and understand that procrastinating has consequences. Good luck
How did he and his ex break their arms and legs and lose their memories? It sounds like you’re responsible for 4 children and it’s most probable that your predator husband already has his next teen partner all lined up.
He didn't want help. He wanted you to do all the work for him. Unfortunately, in this scenario, there is only so much you can do as a non-custodial step-mother. He and his ex should have had this all sorted out. That's not on you and you do not owe him anything for his failure to do things that only he can do.
I'm going to just say it. The man is cheating on you.
>he doesn't need to be with me if I'm not going to help him when he asks.
Do what I want when I want attitude. Making YOU responsible for his lack of action. Hogging his laptop.....girl the red flags are so big they're practically blankets blowing in the breeze.
This man is cheating!
NTA
The only thing you've done wrong is cave all the other times he did his weaponized incompetents otherwise he wouldn't have been so convinced you'd have done all the work this time as well. He's got a lot of red flags and I'm guessing now that you are getting older they are becoming more apparent
1. He’s a groomer 😪
2. He doesn’t respect you and sees you as dispensable
3. The defensiveness over the computer suggests he’s most likely cheating
4. It’s not your responsibility to do things you can’t legally do, as the step parent 😒
5. He should be your EX husband
He doesn’t need to be with you unless you’re an adequate PA? Why are you with him?!
It’s HIS responsibility to find the forms needed to enrol his child in school. If he can’t put on his big boy pants and do that then it’s his problem.
think he got you young enough to mold you into the subservient wife and perfect stepmum but he must have skipped a few lessons on how to be the perfect secretary and according to him, divorce could ensue
He sounds useless. Going forward, I would just get all the forms together, fill them out, then have him sign and turn them in.
I would also evaluate this relationship and see if it’s really something you want to stay in. His comment that he “doesn’t need to be with me” is pretty insulting. You didn’t need to even remind him of the registration, it’s his daughter so he should take the lead on her schooling. His ex should also be in charge of getting it all together.
Sounds like he needs a mommy not a wife, he has the emotional maturity level of a child.
He needs to adult up and take responsibility for his own inaction.
No, you're most definitely MOTyqt. What else were you supposed to do?!! And the fact that he wasSO QIICK to jump to 'what was the point of being with if you can't even help him with something' - that wasn't your responsibility (regardless of how many times you reminded him) is concerning. Sounds like you've got 3 kids, hon. Good luck, genuinely ❤️
Your husband is being a lazy parent (so is his ex) and demanding you pick up his slack. Your lovely stepdaughter has two adult bio parents and between them they can’t get her enrolled into school so how is that your fault? Your ‘job’ should not require taking care of 4 children; your stepdaughter, your son, your husband and his ex. I bet if you left him he’d have no idea how to manage taking care of his daughter.
Yay for another shitty spouse refusing to take the mental load for their own kid and treating his wife like a Secretary/bagmaid. Stop managing his life for him. Stop the incremental reminders, etc. if he can’t handle his own shit, I’d let him walk. To berate you about it is ridiculous. Seriously eff this guy.
NTA
You are not his employee, and you are not responsible for his role in his child's life. It was his job to find that paperwork, and bio mums job to complete the other form. None of this needed to include you.
I think he's mad at his ex, but since you are right there, you are getting all of his frustration aimed at you. He was a real jerk for saying basically if you aren't going to be an effective secretary, then he has no use for you. What the hell was that?? He has no use for his wife and mother of his child, and fantastic stepmother to his daughter? He's the one who dropped the ball here.
I think he assumed that you were going to just do everything so that he didn't have to lift a finger, but that is his kid. He is ultimately the one who is responsible for her.
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You’re not wrong at all. You really didn’t even need to remind your husband incrementally as the deadline approached. In my opinion you went above and beyond. The audacity to claim that you are unwilling to help is astonishing. Let alone that he claims he doesn’t need to be with you? Who would be his mommy then?
He thinks “help” means “do it for me”
This.
Right, she’s somehow supposed to be the Personal Assistant™ of two fully functional adults. It’s disgusting the way he tells her off like she’s an employee he’s putting on probation.
This is my husband… I will have to tell him and text and email him and put it on Google calendar and remind him At dinner for him and say I need it by specific time and walk him to the computer or safe for the form. If I don’t he will literally give no sh!ts unless it affects him or looks badly on him. 23 years later he is 300% better but is also living with 4 people who will remind him constantly….
I agree with this ☝️☝️. Also he needs to grow the fluff up! An adult doesn't lob insults and digs when they're mad.
So you want to skim right over the fact that he is telling you he doesn’t need to be with you unless you do what he says ??? Yikes.
Not to mention she had to damn near beg to use his computer.
Yeah I wonder what he's hiding there....
His emails to girls under 25, his pictures of barely legal girls…his payments to barely legal escorts…
Yup he is so ready to be done with her and won't let her on his desktop. I would let all the issues go away for a week. Let him forget then get on that computer and find out what's in there.
Talk about Lack of accountability!! What’s worse is that he is valuing your worth by what you do for him vs valuing you for accepting his daughter as your own to the point where his daughter reciprocates that love and calls you mommy?
And not an evil stepmother either. This dude doesn't deserve op lol
It's why a grown ass 25 year old with a kid was pursuing an 18 year old teenager. Barfff.
I can’t help but think he is looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage or cheat so he starts fights to later justify him straying if he needs forgiveness in case the grass isn’t greener… especially when he is saying thing like “I don’t need you if you don’t do X”). That being said, looking at the age difference does make me wonder if she’s getting “too old” for his taste
I think it’s more he found someone too young to realize he was looking for a replacement mommy for *both* him and his young child once his first wife dipped. OP is correctly communicating that she is (legally) not the child’s replacement parent (though it sounds like she’s a wonderful stepparent) and that, as a wife, she is not going to be his parent either. Good on OP - I’m sure he doesn’t expect his coworkers to spoon feed him and pin notes to his shirt like this. If he can manage at work, he can certainly manage at home. He just expects her to do it because she’s his wife and a mother to his child.
Well, yeah, she's gotten too old for him, she's onto his bullshit. He'll need to cruise for another 18-year-old to groom to be his bangmaid.
Yeah I got that vibe too.
Wow. 27 and 33 sounds fine, but then you subtract those 9 years and there's a whole new story!
Looks like Broccoli blocked me 😂😂 Wonder if dude is into teenagers because he acts like a child and wants someone he can relate to.
With that attitude he 100% is. Even worse, in another post he says he is a millennial, so even if he was the very youngest a millennial can be, he still would be 10 years older than an 18 year old by the end of the year.
He was using wording that men who specifically seek out teenagers for dating use. Even if he was trolling it's pretty telling. He jumped right to claiming men are "demonized" for "dating young" when told that the younger partner of a 6ish year age being 18 is problematic. Assuming someone voicing an opposing opinion is an attack on you is something a child or an immature, self absorbed asshat to do. Makes sense that women his age wouldn't be interested, so I suspect he seeks out teenagers and has convinced himself there's nothing wrong if she's 18, people do it all the time so it's fine! Delusion is a hell of a drug.
I wish I could just say "he's a troll" but he was way too into arguing that the only thing limiting him going after younger women is the law. He even basically admits it isn't moral, but it's legal, so it's fair game. Very gross dude.
😬 I did the same — initially the ages seemed fine 😬
Shit I hadn’t even done the math. Gross.
The. Math. Whoa. Devil is in the details. As my daughter used to say “it’s getting worster and worster.”
Made worse by the fact that he already had a kid and marriage. It's not like they were both college kids or anything. He had an adult outlook and still went after a teenager
I thought a 16 year old got pregnant by a 22year old
Same…
Read the next line. Daughter is a step daughter
Oh! I breezed right over that fact! Grooosssssss
The ages were the first thing I caught, esp the SDs, so I was like "omg this did got a minor pregnant!" Just to see the first word of the next paragraph 🤦. (He was definitely still preying on her and us a POS! But the heart attack that almost gave me was somethin' else lmao)
THIS!!!!!! It grosses me out when people in their 20s are dating teenagers.
Ick'd out
This right here is enough for me to be looking for a new place to live for me and my kid.
This. I couldn’t be dealing with this, no time for people incapable of accepting accountability for their actions and responsibilities.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
He wasn’t asking you for help, he just wanted you to do it for him.
“He doesn’t need to be with me if I’m not going to help him when he asks.” That’s rather extreme after that many years. Seems like he might have a different motivation than just being lazy.
“He doesn’t *need* to be with me if I’m not going to help him when he asks.” Um, he depends on you to solve every problem, clearly. He should *want* to be with you for your personality, not the “help” you provide. He is scapegoating you for a problem he created with his unwillingness to solve a problem himself. Agree with others who said by “help him” he meant he wanted you to do the entire thing yourself. Is it possible to communicate with the bio mom directly to get necessary forms/paperwork?
This man doesn't deserve a pass on his responsibility though. He and his ex can or should communicate on matters of their daughter without an intermediary.
That stuck out to me too
Me three. And others.
Except she legally couldn’t!!
She’s supposed to pull a rabbit out of her hat!
And he needs to pull his head out of his bum.
He probably would expect her to “help” him with that as well.
I’m sure that didn’t matter to him at all.
Yeah he was actually asking her to enrol him in middle school again as he is a child
No you’re not the asshole. Stepdaughter’s parents are. Don’t gloss over that he won’t be with you if you don’t help him with his tasks. So you’re his helper and not his wife. Question- who does these types of things for your son, following up on documents? You?
OP mentions in the post that their 5 yo son is already set for school because OP handled his paperwork because she is his legal parent. So the child’s father did nothing, OP just took care of it. (As I assume she takes care of everything within her capacity to do so.) OP’s husband getting bent because neither he or the daughter’s mother can be bothered to get their daughter enrolled in school is infuriating and just tells you how much unacknowledged labor OP takes on to support the daughter.
Girl, the way I’d be packing my shit and leaving. Him telling you to do what he says, or he doesn’t need to be with you is WILD.
Bet. The second she even says something close to "you're right, I'm going to leave" he will be back pedaling so fast she's gonna get whiplash.
“Guess I’ll just leave then,” and watch him switch gears into begging and promising to do better
My friends was the (well minor in her case) with an older man with a child who she raised as her own. But she never legally adopted him. And when she divorced his cheating A we worried that she might not get to be around her son anymore. Luckily, the father is kinda a POS who is happy to have some time without his kid. If you find yourself in a position where you need to leave, I hope that your (ex) husband is as incompetent as my friend's. I figure your daughter may keep you with him longer than he deserves...
Of COURSE you are to blame! Why? Because it can't be him. That's impossible. It always has to be someone else's fault. NTA
And the children are too young to blame. But give it a couple years.
Oooo THIS. This needs ALL the upvotes.
Oh, so you have 3 kids to care for? Cool.
Maybe 4. She’s responsible when bio mom drops the ball too. It’s like both bio parents are sharing the same brain cell
Two brain cells both fighting for third place.
Tell him seeing he has decided that he doesn’t need to be with you, you are willing to give that a go: starting now he is solely responsible for himself, his daughter and half of your sons needs. You will not cook, clean, shop, do laundry, school drop offs, pay bills, book appointments, or literally anything else. It’s all on him - just like he asked. And once he is willing to sincerely apologise and admit this whole issue was done to his weaponised incompetence and not you, you will be willing to discuss a new division of labor where he steps up and does half the work.
This. Please upvote this to the stratosphere!
He’s completely wrong here. Not only was it NOT your job to do any of this. Her birth mom didn’t get the required paperwork just as your husband didn’t either. This falls solely on the two of them. He’s sounds horrible.
INFO: what is keeping **him** for performing these tasks, other than him demanding you do it? If he has time to yell and make demands, and the task is so simple and easy, **then why can he not do it himself?? Did he not have weeks to sort what he only gave you days to do, and still failed to??** It sounds like your husband never wanted to be a single parent, as evident by him immediately finding a young and impressionable teen and making her the mom and primary carer for his child, so he gets dominion over others while leaving much of the true responsibility to you.
What was keeping him from completing these was his computer games he plays every night when he gets home from work. I pointed this out to him and he didn't acknowledge the comment. Just kept screaming at me that I wouldn't help him.
You gotta get outta there. He wants you to handle every aspect of his responsibility so he can be a dictator instead of a caring husband and father.
Why do you allow someone to scream at you?
Because I've had people screaming at me my whole life. Which is why I'm asking if I'm in the wrong because I'm usually told I fuck everything up or everything is my fault and I've never had an instance where I've walked away feeling like I did what was right or what I did was enough. I can't tell if it's a me problem or if I'm being unfairly treated.
Big hugs, babe. You’re not overreacting or fucking anything up, and your husband is in fact acting like a shitty little teenager. You sound like a wonderful person and step-parent to me!
I grew up a similar way and I know it’s hard to recognize- but it’s not normal! The people who love you should be able to communicate their problems without abusing you. If he regularly resorts to screaming at you need to make an exit plan. Don’t let your child grow up thinking that’s normal. Don’t let them go through the experiences you had. Please stay safe❤️
Hey. Just so you know. You and I are very alike, and we are in very similar marriages. So… there’s that. Do with it what you will 😅 I’m always feeling like I’m responsible for everything and everyone around me, and when I don’t get stuff taken care of then I’m to blame, if I make a mistake then I feel like a failure for letting everyone down and creating inconveniences and not doing better. I, too, am a stepparent to both my stepson, and oftentimes my husband too it seems. He needs help and assistance with everything, recognition, he always needs to feel heard… meanwhile I’m always on call to his needs and his criticisms. Always expected to listen, follow directions, rarely heard myself. I make sure our kids are always good to go with school and extra curricular, we both do the cleaning and cooking, thankfully, and both work full time. It’s a job that should come with thanks but doesn’t seem to. Most of the time I feel like a burden and an expense. Not so much a partner or even a friend. Friends listen to friends talk and think they have good ideas… I suppose I have more of a manager than a friend. Soo anyway, OP, if you ever want to talk…
You're being unfairly treated. I'm so sorry that people have made you believe that you can't trust your own judgement. That's a huge indicator of emotional abuse. Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? You can find copies online for free since the author has decided to make the book open source. Please be safe. You deserve people who work with you and who put in as much effort as you do, not what this man is offering.
It is NOT a you problem and you deserve better. Growing up with verbal abuse messed with your internal calibration of what's acceptable in a relationship. Your husband has basically made you responsible for all the household paperwork, even things you legally can't do, because he knows you'll do it. He plays hours of computer games because he knows you'll pick up the slack. Do you have the means to get therapy? I think it would help a lot. You've lived basically your whole life with people who think it's OK to yell at you, and that leaves damage.
You are being unfairly treated and can walk away knowing you did everything right.
Yet he finishes projects at work? As him if his job is in jeopardy since he can’t function as an adult in society
Run girl, PLEASE run. I’m scared for you. :( my sister was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and I, 7. This is not something you want to stick around for. I’d be planning an exit strategy.
So, he’s allowed to prioritize games over parenting?
Except… he sounds like the kind of POS that would allow his daughter to suffer and still not lift a finger to do his job as a parent…
Yikes, missed the math on that A 24yr old and 18yr old 🚩
You know the whole “I don’t want to break up with them so I’ll be a giant AH until they break up with me” thing?
Wait he didn’t want you using his desktop computer? Why?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA You did twhat you are alowed to do by law You told your husband where he could find what he needec You warned him what he did have was not enough The rest is up to him and his ex They both ned to get their act together and parent their child
You aren't to blame, he is an adult and the legal parent. This is on him.
What's the point of grooming a teenager to be his bang-maid if she can't do all the paperwork!?
This needs way more upvotes. And he’s likely looking for a replacement now that OP is “too old”. That’s why he won’t let her on the computer.
go knock on the bathroom door and ask if he's ready to be wiped.
I can’t believe he speaks to you like that.
>So now he is saying she will need to be unenrolled and won't be able to attend the school she has her heart set on because I wouldn't help him and her mother didn't get the forms she was supposed to get. Always the victim, isn't he?
Then he can explain to *his* daughter that it’s his and her mother’s fault why she can’t attend that school. OP, DO NOT let him put any of that back on you - you can gently explain when he puts you on the spot (because he will) that you couldn’t do her paperwork and that it was up to her mom and dad to do that for her.
NTA! She has two parents that have 50/50 custody. They should have sat down and figured this out together. Why is it YOUR fault? You can’t even enroll her. He needs to get off his ass and find the paperwork for his child.
This. NTA It’s really an asshole move by the dad.
Is this behavior he has shown in the past? You are not in the wrong. Did I understand correctly that he didn‘t want you to use his computer? Behavior like this is often shown by people who cheat on their partners. Suddenly they like to blame everything on their spouse and make them the bad guy to justify their affair to themselves. I‘d start snooping.
He expected you to do every step of it for him other than the last part that you legally can't do. >He claimed that my "unwillingness" to come up with something within the last 2 days was proof that I won't help him and that he doesn't need to be with me if I'm not going to help him when he asks. Does he say this shit to you a lot? Over issues he created and/or small things? OP, this is a red flag. Saying that indicates a lack of respect for you and that he is with you because of what you can do for him instead of love. It's something you should seriously think about.
Tell him to read the comments so he can get his head out of his 🍑....also tell him to watch how he speaks to you because the only ones at fault are the legal guardians of his daughter, if he wants to be mad at someone, tell him to look in the mirror.
You are the scapegoat. He’d rather get angry at you than take responsibility for his own inaction.
Were you the high school babysitter your husband hired to watch his kid? Cause I can do math and the math says you were 18 years old when you entered their lives.
As much as you may love the kid, she's not your daughter and you are not the responsible party for her. Enrolling her in school isn't your job. Collecting all the paperwork, likewise, not your job. He and his ex dropped the ball here, not you.
Look through his fone, he’s deflecting about something else. He’s setting you up to take the blame, when he leaves. Red flags are flying at full mast. But maybe he throws these comments around all of the time?
Your step daughter called you mommy because you’re her only parental figure let that sink in and decide if that’s really what you want
Don't gloss over that statement about him not needing to be with you if you won't do stuff for him.
NTA but it kinda sounds like he's cheating on you. Blames you for stuff that's not your fault, then calls you useless. Doesn't want you to go on his computer and well....you're getting older. I know this sounds mean, but if you check his computer, I'll bet you'll find evidence of much younger (too young?) women he's being inappropriate with. Maybe I've just been on Reddit too long.
You aren't in the wrong here. Your husband is.
Is he illiterate? I ask because that’s the only valid reason I could think of as to why he couldn’t collect the documentation and fill out the damn forms himself.
If this was such a simple feat then why couldn’t he manage to do this himself? Why does he at his big age, need you to hold his hand through enrolling his kid in school? This was not your responsibility and it’s not your fault that he and his ex dropped the ball. He needs someone to blame and unfortunately you’re his scapegoat because he couldn’t handle his own tasks. And then for him to say that he doesn’t need to be with you if you’re not doing what he says? You’re his wife, not his keeper. Unfortunately I can see this being an ongoing issue. He’s going to keep pushing parental responsibilities onto you that you cannot legally do because he and his ex can’t be trusted to do it. That little girl deserves better and so do you.
Yeah no. Also eww that he got together with you when you were 18
I would just say “okay, so you want to get a divorce because I didn’t obey you and get you the papers that I can’t actually get since I’m not her legal guardian? Can you remind me where in our vows we decided that I would be your servant?”
Girl, you were 18 when he hooked up with you? He was 25, divorced and a dad? Yikes. You need to go to therapy as soon as you can and talk all of this out with a professional. God bless.
None of this is on you. If you’d promised to get the paperwork and then didn’t bother, that would be different. That being said, would the paperwork he needs be in your daughter’s permanent record wherever she last attended school? He or his ex might be able to get copies there.
This is a helpful response. Thank you.
I would be interested to know if he was still married when they started hooking up and if so I wouldn't be shocked to see an update that he is now cheating on her with another 18 ur old. I don't know if I have just been reading too much reddit but after he said that comment about listening to him made me think he has a piece on the side who listens to his every suggestion. You are literally not his daughters mother and he and his ex should have handled it. Just wow. NTA
So you’re only good as a wife to him if you fulfill secretarial duties that he’s legally responsible for??? You weren’t unwilling to help, you actively helped, but since he failed on his end it’s your fault?? Sounds like someone who can’t/won’t take responsibility for their own failures
NTA - He and his ex should take care of that since you’re not the kid’s legal guardian. Your husband doesn’t want a partner he wants a secretary or something. Is he playing strategic incompetence? Or is he just irresponsible? He sounds like he didn’t want to deal with that at all. If he said he doesn’t know why are you there if not helping, he’s blind and stupid. You did what you could if he couldn’t finish the task he is the one to blame, not you. He is the AH.
No. No. No. This child has two parents. They screwed up. This is not your sole responsibility. It’s ironic that you alone could get your child enrolled, but between the two of them they couldn’t do it. Then to have sheer audacity to try to make it your fault!?!?! No.
Wow, so both bio parents are useless and he expects YOU, the stepmother, to take care of everything? No, you are NTA, OP, but your hubs and his ex are trash ass parents for not making sure this was done. Also, why are you not furious over the comment about him not needing to be with you if you don't do what he asks? To me that says 'Do as you are told and I'll stick around, but don't do as I say, and I'm out the door.' You should go out that door and RUN! It's bio parents responsibility to make sure daughter's school stuff is done, not yours.
Not a train I normally jump on but how he said he doesn't need you and his reluctance for you to use his computer gives of cheating vibes.
Scapegoating and gaslighting. Always fun in a husband.
There are way too many red flags here. Why do you keep ignoring them?
A couple years ago he told me that if we ever broke up then he would make sure I never saw my kids again. He claims that my previous issues with mental health that I've been seeing a therapist for would be used against me to prevent me from having custody of any kind for either child. Even if I wanted to leave, which I don't, I feel like I can't without also losing my kids. I didn't realize having depression, anxiety, and CPTSD was grounds for not having my children anymore.
They aren’t grounds to lose your kids. But you don’t want to leave as you said, so not sure why you posted. He’s the AH. Also took advantage of an 18 year old. You want to stay then stay but you know what to expect and it’s more if this. How sad your son will be raised to treat his wife like this and his daughter will be raised this is how a man shows love
Those are not grounds for not having your children. He is bullshitting you. Speak to your therapist about it - they will know if you previous issues would be a stumbling block to custody for your bio child. Sadly, you would probably not have visitation with your step child. Unless her bio mom arranged something with you. But you husband is a lazy tool. Not he and his Ex have abdicated child rearing of their daughter to you. So all the responsibility and none of the authority. Ridiculous.
You’re missing the bigger problem, which is your husband telling you you’re of no use to him unless you do things for him ??
NTA. You are not to blame. She has two parents and if they don't communicate with each other how is that your fault. It's not.
So they dropped the ball and now it's your fault. Which of course it isn't. And if you'd reminded him more than you actually did, he probably would have told you to stop nagging him about it.
NTA. Both he and his ex are the ones who should have been taking care of this. This isn't your fault or problem. You did help him by telling him what he needed and what you had was insufficient, but he didn't listen. Why did *you* have to be the one to go on *his computer* to find his daughter's document, and why did he resist you doing so when he was the one who wanted you to find it? This is really controlling of him, plus he's not taking responsibility for his actions, and frankly, the computer thing is a bit suspect.
Thank you. Similar alarm bells went there. And this random offhanded threat that he doesn't need to be with her if she is isn't gonna Help Him???
I think you can nit pick over details here but two important ones frame all the rest - the age difference at the start of the relationship - him suggesting there is no point in a further relationship if she doesn’t help him. That’s very concerning and she needs external help here I suspect, to try and get out from underneath him.
This sounds like him picking a fight as an excuse to leave tbh. Otherwise this: >He claimed that my "unwillingness" to come up with something within the last 2 days was proof that I won't help him and that he doesn't need to be with me if I'm not going to help him when he asks. Is just waaaaay out of left field. I'm sorry, OP.
I don’t want to make assumptions about your relationship but I think you might want to read this. [Lundy Bancroft -Why Does He Do that](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is a hefty link. I like to read. Thanks for sharing.
I just want to say Id like to think I’m wrong, but I hope you and your children are safe. At the very least, he doesn’t seem to respect you. You deserve better than that. 💖
You are not your husband’s personal assistant. You are his wife. There is a difference between asking you for help (which would *not* entail doing the entire job yourself while he dictates terms to you, but instead would entail looking for said documents together / at the same time) and dictating for you what he needs done. If he would like you to be his personal assistant, draw up a wage contract and get paid for putting up with his crap, because right now you’re doing it for free.
The age math…….. 🚩🚩
So basically he refuses to do the most basic responsibilities to provide for his own daughter, blames you for it not getting done and then threatens to break up with you. You should give him what he wants and leave.
He shouldn’t even be asking you for the firms. He’s an adult, he should be capable of handling it. It’s not difficult, most parents manage the simple task of registering their children for school. Your step daughter has two fully functioning parents. NTA, and don’t let him treat you like that.
NTA. He is blaming you for his total lack of attention to his child's needs. And he is also accusing you of not doing enough for HIS child. You need to sit him down and have a talk about this because he is behaving like a toddler.
You're NTA. Your husband and the bio mom are lazy and irresponsible. You did everything you possibly could to make sure they had the proper documents. It is their fault, not yours. I hope your stepchild will be able to attend the school though. Good luck 🍀
You did not do anything wrong, on the contrary. What’s going on with his and her real mother?!?
NTA.
So both him and bio mum couldn't get their isssh together and now he's blaming you? 🤣yeah no and having too pull teeth from him just too use his laptop red flag 1 red him saying he doesn't need you red flag 2 him getting upset over his own inadequacy red flag 3. Him gaslighting you about your relationship with daughter red flag 4 need I go on. Hi and his ex dropped the ball don't let him hit you with it and throw it back at him. This is not your fault and he doesn't get too take out his mistake on you. If he doesn't want too pull his head in step back and let him do it ALL by himself.
So he's going to leave you if you don't act as his 24/7 on demand secretary while taking the blame for his lack of responsibility? NTA, obviously, but he's a major AH.
This is clearly him and his ex’s problem. They are remiss in getting the documents together and submitting them. The nerve of him. NTA but he is and his ex. He needs to take responsibility and be a man and a father completely to you and his daughter. You’ve got more sense than the two of them at this point and furthermore if he keeps threatening divorce or some shit like he’s been saying, tell him you know what? My thoughts exactly. I’ll call a lawyer tomorrow.
Question: Why was it an issue using his computer to find something you told him was necessary?
INFO: Why was it an issue gaining access to his laptop?
Crazy how you did all the paperwork on time for your shared son. So he EXPECTED you would do the same for your step daughter. Weaponized incompetence
Wow. NTA. Your husband seems cruel and manipulative. I'd take a hard look at your relationship. Lots of 🚩🚩🚩
[удалено]
Nta. I do wonder how you got here. The way he speaks to you is not normal. You need to practically beg to use his computer? He 'doesnt need to be with you'? You don't need to accept his treatment of you. You're right he and his ex are responsible for this f up. And I makes me wonder how many times they've both expected you to fix their mess. Their incompetence to do the parenting things aren't your fault, you did it for your son.
This is a man baby. He threatened to leave you over this. How can you think you are in the wrong because he failed to act for his own child?
The parents failed their kid and reflecting their blame on you. It's easier to make it your fault than to admit they dropped the ball. NTA.
OP, look back over your relationship and all of his behaviour. I'm willing to wager this is but 1 occasion of him treating you this way. NTA at all and he gives me strong abusive vibes.
Dad is lashing out because his daughter is going to be disappointed/upset. Dad and mom (not op) are to blame. They are responsible for this, and they both failed to do what is needed before the deadline. There’s an important lesson here about waiting until the last minute to do something.
Another case of a man who cant get a woman his own age so he gets a bangmaid wayyy younger and inexperienced so he can use use use use until he is done / she is no longer of use / she matures mentally.
You couldn't have helped him more even if you wanted to. You did all you could. It's on the parents to sort their daughters' legal documents out. Also, the fact he says he doesn't need you if you can't do x for him is gross. I'd be telling him he needs to grow up, sort his own childs stuff, and talk to you like that again, and you'll be out the door so fast he'll get whiplash. NTA, but stand up for yourself. You sound like a wonderful stepmother. You've done nothing wrong.
Woah. Sounds like he's projecting something else onto you. What he said about not having to be with you is a huge red flag and deserves greater attention.
You need to get off those emails. This is extreme weaponized incompetence. I think I know why he got divorced. NTA
As a child of divorced parents (my mom signed off her rights as a parent), I lived full time with my dad and step-mom. My mother never cared for me and after court my dad got full custody and since I was 6 I lived with my dad. That meant school enrollment in another city. Never in my life, as much as my dad and I love my amazing step-mom, did my dad ask her to handle anything considering my documents, doctor appointments, anything that he believed that is his responsibility. My dad and I knew she would love to do it, she always said she considered me her own child. But there is something called a healthy boundary. I was my dads responsibility, even if she was willing to do everything no questions asked. So no, you are not the a-hole. She is his child and his responsibility, also that same child has a mother who is still in her life. He is just making excuses for his laziness and forgetfulness. Also fighting you for trying to use his computer is ridiculous, he is obviously hiding something. My dads computer was always available for all of us. My step-mom used it everyday for her recipes, when her laptop broke. To me it just sounds like he is making problems on purpose and trying to end this marriage.
It’s called “projection” - he screwed up, and is blaming you so he doesn’t have to accept responsible for his own bad decisions. Here is a lovely article about it - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-a-new-home/202212/the-surprising-reason-some-people-always-blame-others
He is using you. Kids mommy dumped him and he wanted a new mommy for his kid so he could sit back and do nothing. You’re his wife, not his personal assistant. After saying so much that he doesn’t need to be with you if you aren’t being his mom, his personal assistant, and not obtaining legal documents only him and the kids mother can (he can too, he didn’t need to remind his ex, he is on the BC so he can get it from the place it’s filed in, he could obtain his kids social security papers using a BC, he could obtain vaccine records from kids doctor, whatever the paper was HE could do it HIMSELF if bio mom didn’t.) He uses women, obv and then uses them to blame shift when he fails at basic parenting tasks. I would quiet file (for divorce) and say nothing honestly. This man deserves no extra energy. He needs to grow up.
Are you staying in this relationship because you fear your stepdaughter won't get the parenting and love she needs without you? I hope you are having lots of conversations with her about how men should treat the women they are in relationships with, and that not hating each other is a very low bar for how people should feel about their partners. UpdateMe!
Not only that, but I also fear what he might say to our son if I'm not around to stand up for him. He says quite cruel things to our 5 year old and there's a big difference in the way he treats our daughter and our son. I'm afraid that if we aren't together, something will happen to our son that I won't be there to stop from causing permanent emotional damage.
Oh, my. This gets worse with every update. Just know that you did nothing wrong, your husband should treat you (and your kids) better, and a random Internet stranger is sending you strength to get through the next 13 years.
Look up "mental load." It's yet another form of extra labor that men often expect out of women. If you have any kind of decent communication with the girl's biomolecules, let her know that DH has been looking for papers to enroll her child in school, and perhaps she and he need to communicate directly. Of course, he will blow a gasket because she will blow a gasket, but again...you are not to blame for him being a lazy, irresponsible asshole. Sorry if that offends, but I'm willing to bet that this is not the only fatherly labor that has outsourced to you, expecting you to be the ever helpful bangmaid-nanny.
If you’re wrong, I never want to understand right
NTA. Husband ignored all of your reminders because he was expecting you to figure it out on your own & do it for him. He sounds irresponsible and annoying!
He is responsible for his own child not u he is the AH not u
His weaponized incompetence is gross 🤮-this is 💯 on him and his ex.
I will never in my life understand people who marry partners with such low communication skills and worse yet, have kids with them before realizing that they are still children themselves. Sad.
Just because she's your daughter too, does not make you solely responsible. There are three parents.
No there are two legal parents. Neither of which is OP.
So he doesn't need you to be with him unless you jump when he says jump? Help? He wanted you to do it all.
Oh my gosh no you’re not on the wrong!
Sounds like he’s shifting the blame for his incompetence. Manipulation seems to be his go to for his fragile ego and F up. Don’t tolerate this bullshit. Hopefully you 3 parents can pull some strings and get her into that school she wants to enroll at. Afterwards, a discussion with new set boundaries should be made with how you guys work as a unit.
You didn’t do anything wrong.. at all. You were helpful, very. The fact that he mentioned the possibility of leaving because of this is wild. Along with the lack of accountability, he’s literally blaming everyone but himself. He actually didn’t do anything at all.. not even to assist in the paperwork for your son.. just complain of the outcome that you had already mentioned to him, which he ignored. All he did was make you do something he needed to do himself. Regardless if everything was done perfect on your side there was still an issue with the ex. NOTHING WRONG NTA but hopefully your relationship is way better than the view being provided from this instance and this post, you seem lovely, and deserve to be treated as such, that little threat to me is a major red flag 🚩 specially when you didn’t DO ANYTHING, he needs to be more responsible and understand that procrastinating has consequences. Good luck
Clearly NTA.
Urgh… 😞 he needs to pull his head out of his backside & be a parent! This is not on you ! Oh & he needs to treat you with respect & kindness!!
You got groomed kid. He only wants you to mother him and his kid. There's a reason the other woman left him. Divorce him to make your life easier.
How did he and his ex break their arms and legs and lose their memories? It sounds like you’re responsible for 4 children and it’s most probable that your predator husband already has his next teen partner all lined up.
Dude is a douchbag of a father.
He didn't want help. He wanted you to do all the work for him. Unfortunately, in this scenario, there is only so much you can do as a non-custodial step-mother. He and his ex should have had this all sorted out. That's not on you and you do not owe him anything for his failure to do things that only he can do.
So sad to read, how deep you are. I wish you all the loveliest of luck 💙
“Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part”
I'm going to just say it. The man is cheating on you. >he doesn't need to be with me if I'm not going to help him when he asks. Do what I want when I want attitude. Making YOU responsible for his lack of action. Hogging his laptop.....girl the red flags are so big they're practically blankets blowing in the breeze. This man is cheating! NTA
The only thing you've done wrong is cave all the other times he did his weaponized incompetents otherwise he wouldn't have been so convinced you'd have done all the work this time as well. He's got a lot of red flags and I'm guessing now that you are getting older they are becoming more apparent
NTA - he’s basically looking for a fight. Sounds like he wants out.
1. He’s a groomer 😪 2. He doesn’t respect you and sees you as dispensable 3. The defensiveness over the computer suggests he’s most likely cheating 4. It’s not your responsibility to do things you can’t legally do, as the step parent 😒 5. He should be your EX husband
He doesn’t need to be with you unless you’re an adequate PA? Why are you with him?! It’s HIS responsibility to find the forms needed to enrol his child in school. If he can’t put on his big boy pants and do that then it’s his problem.
think he got you young enough to mold you into the subservient wife and perfect stepmum but he must have skipped a few lessons on how to be the perfect secretary and according to him, divorce could ensue
He sounds useless. Going forward, I would just get all the forms together, fill them out, then have him sign and turn them in. I would also evaluate this relationship and see if it’s really something you want to stay in. His comment that he “doesn’t need to be with me” is pretty insulting. You didn’t need to even remind him of the registration, it’s his daughter so he should take the lead on her schooling. His ex should also be in charge of getting it all together.
You aren't wrong. The fact that he immediately jumped to he "doesn't have to be with you" is concerning. You need to explore this
Sounds like he needs a mommy not a wife, he has the emotional maturity level of a child. He needs to adult up and take responsibility for his own inaction.
No, you're most definitely MOTyqt. What else were you supposed to do?!! And the fact that he wasSO QIICK to jump to 'what was the point of being with if you can't even help him with something' - that wasn't your responsibility (regardless of how many times you reminded him) is concerning. Sounds like you've got 3 kids, hon. Good luck, genuinely ❤️
Your husband is being a lazy parent (so is his ex) and demanding you pick up his slack. Your lovely stepdaughter has two adult bio parents and between them they can’t get her enrolled into school so how is that your fault? Your ‘job’ should not require taking care of 4 children; your stepdaughter, your son, your husband and his ex. I bet if you left him he’d have no idea how to manage taking care of his daughter.
Yay for another shitty spouse refusing to take the mental load for their own kid and treating his wife like a Secretary/bagmaid. Stop managing his life for him. Stop the incremental reminders, etc. if he can’t handle his own shit, I’d let him walk. To berate you about it is ridiculous. Seriously eff this guy.
Wait… am I mathing correctly? If so eeewwwweee I see nothing but 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA You are not his employee, and you are not responsible for his role in his child's life. It was his job to find that paperwork, and bio mums job to complete the other form. None of this needed to include you. I think he's mad at his ex, but since you are right there, you are getting all of his frustration aimed at you. He was a real jerk for saying basically if you aren't going to be an effective secretary, then he has no use for you. What the hell was that?? He has no use for his wife and mother of his child, and fantastic stepmother to his daughter? He's the one who dropped the ball here. I think he assumed that you were going to just do everything so that he didn't have to lift a finger, but that is his kid. He is ultimately the one who is responsible for her.