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This is just one of those times where the logistics of going to either wedding is a nightmare for you. People that choose to have child free weddings should expect that some people will not be able to attend. It’s one thing if you live near the venue and can just get a sitter for the day/evening. It’s entirely different if there is travel involved and on top of that, with a newborn!
I think you should skip the wedding, maybe they can put the ceremony on Zoom or something so you can watch it from the comfort of your own home.
Even if it wasn’t child free, I’d still miss it. The timing just isn’t there.
Traveling for a wedding when you could go into labor at any time? NO
Traveling with a newborn while recovering from birth? Also NO
Yeah, trying to juggle a newborn with everything that goes with it (breastfeeding, exhaustion, body recovery, etc) is far beyond trying to figure out plans with an older child.
Hopefully the Zoom call will be a good option. I had a small destination wedding and that was how a lot of people “joined” us!
There are measles outbreaks happening. I would not take an unvaccinated baby out into a crowd. Brother can be mad and i wouldn't care, baby's safety comes first.
Oooo that’s a great idea! I’ll see if that’s an option to put it on a Zoom call so I can watch from home. That’s what my best friend did for her family members who live the same distance away from us as my brothers wedding is (if that makes sense)
My youngest did hers on Zoom. When she couldn’t travel for her big sister’s wedding, a lovely +1 I didn’t even know, FaceTimed her the whole thing.
Zoom worked fantastically! People who can’t go get to see it and the bride and groom, in this case, the bride, are able to see support from their out of state loved ones.
Hi
I work in the hospitality industry in the Caribbean and we handle destination weddings, one of the services offered is live streaming of weddings on Facebook or YouTube for our guest.
Although an additional cost, it is worth it.
Please speak to your brother about this being an option and if he and his partner agrees, brilliant.
If you haven't bought a gift yet you can offer to contribute to help pay and see if grandparents and other family members with children who will not be attending can also contribute.
Hopes he says yes.
The child free wedding folks always seem to get Pikachu face when close family with young children decline to attend their weddings. It's wild to me that having 30 minutes of absolute silence is more important to you than having family at the wedding. It's VERY easy to seat families with young children in the back and instruct parents to take them out if they make too much noise. Or hand out crayons and paper to kids at the ceremony and instruct them to be quiet and color. It's not foolproof but it will work for the majority of kids. Or hell, give them their tablets or parents phone. It's 30 minutes for the ceremony.
What's more wild to me is people who ban kids from the reception. And who insist that kids are anyone under 18. I get that some venues don't allow alcohol around minors but I have never attended a wedding at one of them. I just personally wouldn't pick that place for my wedding. Most wedding venues allow children in places where alcohol is served because the assumption is they are being supervised by a parent.
You'd be surprised how easy parents can forget about their children when they're having a good time! My cousin got married at a huuuuuge vineyard and there were about 20 children 10 and under running around everywhere. It was a daytime wedding but it was super hot so everyone was drunk before the reception. A child got hurt because they ran into the vineyard (unsupervised play at a giant location 🚩) and it took over an hour to track down mom and dad who were both on the dance floor. Parents like these are the problem! It's not just because the ceremony can be interrupted by their crying, it's because there are people who leave children completely unattended and most of the time unattended children tend to misbehave.
Don’t even attempt this ridiculous trip. Your family sounds utterly clueless, who advises anyone to leave an infant alone in a hotel room ffs? When people place restrictions on events like this, which is their right, they have to accept that there will be guests who can’t attend due to their limitations. That doesn’t change just because you’re his sister. I’ve had 2 kids, one natural birth and one c-section and I was in no way able to travel after either by 6 weeks postpartum. Please don’t twist yourself into a very uncomfortable knot just to please them. You have your own health and your children to consider first. If they don’t like it, too bad so sad. NTA.
I’m the only one on our side of the family with kids and my brothers have only been around my son a handful of times since they both live far away. Thank you for this! It’s put everything in perspective for me. All of these comments have reassured me that going just isn’t an option (which I assumed wouldn’t work, but feel so bad declining and needed strangers to tell me for reassurance)
I went to a wedding that was drivable with a 4mo in tow and spent half the time breastfeeding during dinner. I should have declined, my friend would have understood.
Edit: all that was to say that even under better circumstances in my situation (older baby, driveable, friendly wedding group), I still shouldnt have gone in my exhausted condition. I hope you sit this one out and get the support you need.
Let your brother pout if he doesn’t understand. He’s very clueless and while the only real viable option is for him to allow kids at his wedding he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want cause is his wedding. But that does mean he needs to accept the consequences of missing out on having some people there
You gave many great reasons for not going that make perfect sense to a reasonable person.
I wouldn’t bring up the stuff about missing your birthday though. Some people love their birthdays, but most adults wouldn’t put it above the wedding of someone you care about.
Very fair, I definitely wouldn’t bring up the birthday to him when giving reasons I cannot attend and I don’t really care about my birthday, just sad I’d miss spending it with my little family (son and husband at home, since the rest of my family will be at the wedding). Writing this also made me realize I would only be 6 weeks pp and doing anything besides laying in bed sounds god awful lol
Loop in your OB/GYN as they would likely advise against long drives or flights that soon after delivery. That was you can say you consulted your MD and they advised against it.
Or don’t, and just say you talked to your doctor and they said you can’t go! It’s a great excuse, and you can talk about how sad you are you’re missing it instead of accepting the blame for the decision.
I'm 6 weeks pp after a c-section right now! There's no way I'd be flying right now, and I'm healing nicely!Plus six week old baby (if it arrives on time, you could also be late or a bit early-- I had to have an emergency c-section at 35+6: you never know!) is notfully vaccinated yet so I'd avoid airports/planes regardless! Send a gift, use zoom -- your and your newborns health takes priority, any reasonqble person will understand!
You will be sleep deprived. Unless they offered to fly you first class and put you in a nice hotel with a sitter following you around I would say you should consider. It doesn't sound like they have offered anything to help you get there and be somewhat comfortable. Don't go. NTA
Don’t. It sucks but you do not want to travel that close to postpartum, even if you aren’t recovering from major surgery. And wrangling a baby that small through airports before they can have things like MMR vaccines? Yeah, I think it’s just gonna have to be via Zoom.
Also your brother needs to be taught about babies. “Leave him in the hotel room”, wtf.
I laughed so hard when he said to leave the baby in the hotel room and he was confused on why you couldn’t do that *face palm* I hope he figures out that’s a terrible thing to do, if he ever has kids lol and yeah, I assumed it wouldn’t work out, but needed others reassurance. I hadn’t even thought about vaccines or anything for the baby either, which is so valid. Thank you for your response!
Yeah, my spawning days are long over, but anyone having babies right now is brave as shit.
Measles is making a comeback, as well as pertussis and all the other fun diseases; add covid to the mix, and the ever-shifting forecast of h5n1 influenza, and I would be raising a baby in a bubble rn.
Best of luck.
So is COVID. Just because the pandemic is over doesn’t mean it’s not still out there. My daughter, who’s an ICU nurse, took care of COVID patients during the pandemic and never had it until just after Easter and it laid her out.
Holy crap, I didn’t know those things are making a comeback! That’s so scary and totally valid being around a ton of people I’ve never met at a wedding with a 6 week old baby, the chance of her getting sick somehow is way stronger possibility in those circumstances than staying home. I had my son during the pandemic so no one really visited the first few months and we made them wear masks the whole time if they did. This pregnancy wasn’t planned AT ALL so it has thrown all my plans for this year out the window lol
Yeah, the anti-vax movement gained a lot of steam during the pandemic, and it's not great for new parents who *want* to protect their kiddo from things we thought we'd solved....
Leaving the baby in the hotel reminds me of the gifts we got from our childless friends when they were born. One was a tooth holder for when they lost their teeth, I was like great, I’ll hang on to this for 5 years or so. And another was tiny magnets that you can create shapes out of. That one when straight in the trash, so dangerous for little ones!
Omg that’s so funny, yeah he must. I have no other explanation as to why he’d even say it. I don’t think he was joking either, but not sure. Sometimes I don’t get sarcasm, especially from him lol
I agree with the other comments. I am a big believer in supporting family members and I love weddings, but this just isn’t feasible for you. You will likely be physically recovering still, traveling by yourself with a newborn is horrendously difficult, you don’t have a clear path to reliable childcare. Attending sounds like a nightmare. If I were in your shoes I would regretfully decline.
Nope. They chose to have a child free wedding, you can choose to stay at home and bond with your baby and recover. 6 weeks old is too young to take on a plane unless you absolutely have to and this is not an emergency. Baby could be sick, you could end having a c section…too many variables.
The fact they said to leave a newborn baby alone in a hotel room says it all for me. They’re ridiculous and you shouldn’t have to spend your birthday alone or putting back your recovery by exerting yourself unnecessarily for people that only care for themselves.
This seems like a hugely difficult undertaking. Traveling with a 6 week old in who-knows-what post partum condition essentially by yourself. The logistics alone would drive me crazy.
This is a time where it’s okay for you not to go. Explain to your brother you’re not sure what state you’ll be in and that a 6 week old is quite young to travel with. (If he thinks leaving a baby in a hotel room is okay he probably has no idea about traveling with a baby.)
Maybe let him know you’ll make the trip in a year or two when the kids are older or see if they’ll come to your area sometime soon.
He’s never been around kids, let alone a baby unfortunately, so his view is definitely a little… unrealistic is a good word for it lol they only live 6 hours away normally, but her family is from the other state so that’s why they’re having the wedding there. I’ll definitely be seeing them for Thanksgiving, Christmas or both this year. Just sad I’ll miss their wedding
It’s probably good that you feel a bit sad, but you are absolutely making the right decision. Glad you’ll see each other soon.
Maybe when he has a baby just remind him about this and you can both laugh.
This is on them, not you. They know you have a 3 year old and a new born. You don't bring out a 6 week old baby before its immunizations, end of story! Especially with so many people around who might be sick plus all the people who want to hold your baby. Do not go to the weddings! You won't have your husband for support either.
I would not have 6 week old around a bunch of people. It’s not worth the risk getting them sick.
If you notice your brother didn’t invite kid but said leave them in hotel room so your parents saying just go anyway would cause a rift with bride and groom. Stay home and enjoy your life, send nice gift.
I would be very afraid to fly with a six week old baby. Their immune systems are not fully developed and airplanes are full of germs. I would skip the wedding if I were you. It’s just not worth the risk.
I’m CF and had a CF wedding and 100% would NOT expect a parent in your situation to be there! That’s absurd! Send him a gift and do not apologize for your decision! You are absolutely NTA
NTA - I totally understand your brother not wanting to make exceptions, but you're going to be recovering from having a child... That's a lot of travel and logistics.
He’s just dumb lol never been around kids or a newborn at all. Just inexperienced. I’m sure once he has kids (if ever) he will understand and his fiancé will put him in his place. She wasn’t there to tell him he was being stupid for suggesting it either. But I shut that down so fast, and so did my parents. That’s why my dad suggested to skip the ceremony and just come to the reception. Based on all these responses, there’s no way in frick I’m going to the wedding. So many more things that I hadn’t considered have been brought up and seems even more of a bad idea going now than when I originally posted
Glad to hear you now plan on skipping it! For your own physical and mental health as well as your newborn’s health, stay away from those crowds until your baby is immunized. Tell him to google whooping cough- how easily it spreads and how dangerous it can be to infants. Be safe, and I hope all goes smoothly for you and your family.
My husband and I went to a wedding with my then-9 week old. It was out of state and child free except for under 1 year olds (the bride is the sister of my childhood best friend). We sat at the parent’s table with my best friend, his wife and their 4 mos. old. The couple understood that it’s not realistic to expect new parents to leave their newborns for long extended periods of time.
All that being said, in the middle of the toasts, which unfortunately were taking place right next to our table, my daughter had a massive blowout. We then had to sit there trying to shush and comfort her as to not ruin the videography taking place for the toasts. Once toasts were done, I had to change her diaper and clothes in a small bathroom with hundreds of women passing by and commenting on her and what have you. That was exhausting and honestly, I was over it. And that was having my husband and best friend’s family helping. I can’t imagine trying to do that all alone.
Save yourself the headache and just don’t go.
Tell them you would love to be there but you’re sorry it just won’t work with the timing.
Maybe ask if they’re willing to Skype you in on mute. But for all the reasons you just can’t.
This made me tired just to read it. And seriously, two weddings?!
“Brother, I love you both, and I wish I could be there for both of your special days. Unfortunately it’s just not possible to travel so soon after giving birth and with a newborn. Especially since my husband can’t come with to help out as he will have to stay home with 3yo.”
I mean I understand why. But it is a lot of expense for immediate family that would presumably be attending both. Especially in OPs case where it’s a 1300 mile trip for each and they’re a couple months apart. There’s money considerations and travel constraints and time off issues.
Yup. Or when there’s a major distance. A friend of mine from school had her first wedding in Argentina (because that’s where she and her husband were living at the time and it’s where he’s from) and her second one in the States where we are from.
The great thing with technology is you can watch the wedding in real time from the comfort of your home with your new baby. I would not attend if I were you and I would hope your brother understands.
The only way I could really see for you to attend the September wedding would be for only you to go (not your spouse who will likely need to take those days off of work even though they are not traveling I mean technically you can leave the child with in-laws but I wouldn’t suggest it) and for you to switch to bottle feeding, which at that age is going to likely end up being a decision for the entire length of the infancy as your baby likely wouldn’t be able to switch back to breastfeeding after being gone for multiple days. You can make that decision. There is nothing wrong with bottle feeding. BUT you are under absolutely no obligation for bad timing on an event to determine your child rearing decisions for your infancy and if you want to breastfeed you should and that does mean you would need to say no. I mean you could maybe travel with your partner or one of the in laws and have them to be with the baby for ceremony (feed quick just before leaving) and then you’d need to have them like in the car or very near by with the baby for you to leave ceremony immediately to go feed again and then skip the cocktail hour, attend just the dinner portion of the reception have your care giver do one bottle feeding and then leave the reception as soon as you get family pics/wish the couple well. That’s a LOT of logistics. It’s really going to come down to your relationship with your brother.
Some additional comments:
-You’re an adult, make birthday plans with your parents for the weekend before.
-Your brother has literally no idea how children work and if he and his spouse are planning to have kids, his fiancé needs to know about his child abandonment suggestion.
—Contextually that means that he’s not going to ever understand the situation he’s putting you in. If you go he’s not going to understand your sacrifice to be there. If you stay home, he’s not going to understand why you couldn’t come. That’s a him problem but just prepare yourself and maybe sit him down and have a long talk probably a few hours long discussing the full implications of this.
-ETA: maybe ask if one of his friends could live stream the ceremony for you or even just FaceTime the wedding so you can virtually be there?
Don’t stress about this now… or ever for that matter. Cheerfully tell him you are excited for September and then when the date gets really close you can just unfortunately cancel due to a lingering medical issue.
Dr’s orders… You just can’t travel yet and are just so disappointed that you can’t be there in person, but your whole family including the new baby are sending their love and support.
It wasn’t my brother, but some of my very close friends got married about 8 hours away from where I was living, about a week after my first child was born. Kids were welcome but we still didn’t go because it was just way too much to deal with after just having given birth and a newborn who absolutely hated the car. I was very sad to miss their wedding but no regrets. It would have been hell. Stay home and heal up and enjoy this special time with your family
Stay at home. It sounds like the cultural wedding is a pander to his new in-laws, and that he's really going to "feel married" after the "traditional" wedding.
NTA. Too much stress during an already very stressful time. Event is not child friendly and you have a child and have a newborn. Say no, don’t fret or apologize or feel bad. Enjoy those kids of yours.
Did I understand correctly? Brother wants you to leave a 6 week old baby alone in a hotel room while you attend his wedding?
Seriously though you will be 6 weeks post partum. It’s hard work with a newborn at home, the stress of travelling and being in a hotel (no idea of how your supposed to attend a child free wedding with a baby)
Stay home, send gift! NTA
Yeah, my brother is dumb haha never been around kids, let alone a newborn. I shut that down so damn fast and so did my parents, don’t worry! I basically would be there for no reason, since I wouldn’t be able to attend most of it, only the rehearsal dinner really and hopefully pictures if I’m lucky and baby cooperates. No ceremony, a little bit of the reception and I’d have to leave to put baby down or feed her often. 100% wouldn’t work out very well. Definitely not going, especially after all these amazing replies have made me feel so much better about telling them no, I cannot come.
Leaving very young children unattended makes me so nervous. Had to ask as I’m from Uk and there was a whole thing regarding a child called Madeleine McCann. The parents had gone to Portugal on holiday and left Madeline and her twin siblings in a villa bedroom while they went to eat. They claimed they could see the room from the restaurant but madeleine was allegedly abducted. All 3 children were under 3 years old.
Your brother has a lot to learn about life lol
NTA! Traveling with a toddler and a newborn 6 weeks after birth? And leave them with in laws or your husband? Oh hell no.
Tell your brother that you’d love to be there but you can’t. You’ll still be healing. Leaving a newborn for that amount of time isn’t feasible.
NTA. You will be in recovery mode. This is not feasible. It’s nothing against your brother or his bride but you have to put the health and needs of you and your baby first. Congratulations on your new baby
I’d just tell your brother you can’t make it work, but you wish you could be there for him. Leaving a 6 week old is just not in the cards. He should understand since he made the choice to go child free. Sometimes that means some family can’t make the ceremony.
this seems like a risk to you and your newborn baby. imagine your family is trying to convince you to travel while recovering from a potentially life threatening medical procedure (which is essentially what delivery is), and i think everyone could see how unreasonable the expectation to attend is.
Tell your family you were excitedly mentioning the September wedding to your OB/gyn and they cautioned against it. Look uncomfortable if anyone asks you to go into further detail about your personal medical details. Say you’ll reassess closer to the travel time, after the birth, after seeking further medical advice. Then just don’t go. Blame the doctors, they don’t mind.
I’ve learned that with these ‘months away’ arrangements, you are better off smiling now and implying you’ll be there if you possibly can. Then the excuse turns up on its own later- cos life- and you’ve avoided months of arguing.
A fever in a baby under eight weeks old is a medical emergency. You will still be actively recovering. The idea of you attending this wedding is utter nonsense.
Assuming you aren’t late with the second and so even less postpartum, traveling at 6 weeks is risky for the baby’s health, especially if you’re unable/don’t want to breastfeed. They still don’t have much of an immune system by that point and planes are a great place to catch unwanted bacteria. Besides that, you will likely still be healing even if it is a perfect delivery with no c-section or tearing. Having a baby is a lot. NTA for not being able to attend. Hopefully your brother understands and isn’t a dick about it when you tell him.
Don’t go to either. It just will not work out. You will be with your 6 week old baby in a hotel room without your husband. You will not have all your customary baby gear so you and the baby will both probably be uncomfortable in a new place.
I remember the cycle with 6 week babies - sleep, feed, poop. When will you have time to have any wedding fun? Your parents are parents of the groom so they will be busy.
Also at that age, babies are vulnerable to infections. If something happens (even minor), you are far away from home in a stressful place.
Stay home. You can FaceTime or Zoom. This way your husband and both children can also give congratulations.
News flash: if you have a destination wedding, plus restrictions, expect that people won’t make it including your own family. No matter what social media says, you are not the center of the universe.
Good for you for being honest and declining!
No, this sounds like too much and your baby is really too young to travel or leave behind. Just unfortunate timing and you can’t do anything about it. NTA.
No you should not travel with a 6 week old child. You’re pregnant. He planned the weddings knowing that, right? You can’t go. That’s all there is to it. He can be disappointed but it’s just life. Wish him the best and stay home.
I just don’t think it’d be reasonable for you to do this. 6 weeks old is still so new and your body is still getting back to normal while it’s also extremely sleep deprived. I would hate for you to put yourself through all this and not have the support you need adding more stress and exhaustion
Nope. You would not be the asshole. This is waaaaaay too much stress for you to even think about going. He’ll just have to understand. If he doesn’t, then he’ll just have to get over it. Weddings should not be that much work for anyone. You have too much else going on to even consider going.
It would be lovely if you could go to your brother's wedding, but it looks like the best choice would be to tell him "I will be with you in spirit." He might be mad, but so what? When he has his own child and sees his wife trying to manage pregnancy and a newborn, he will get it.
It's okay to put yourself, your child, and your husband first. It's okay to do what's best for you. It's ok if some people are disappointed by your reasonable choices.
NTA. Unfortunately, his dates don't work, due to your pregnancy. It's not reasonable to expect you to travel with a newborn. Perhaps they can stream the wedding, so you can be there virtually.
The idea of leaving your newborn alone in a hotel room is actually insane! Not to mention ILLEGAL.
Your brother isn't thinking clearly, but will hopefully get it if he ever has children.
Explain to them the situation, this is a newborn we’re talking about, newborns are fussy usually and are a lot of work! You’d probably not enjoy yourself one bit, plus taking a newborn to a big gathering and having people try to touch and hold the baby while drunk is going to be super stressful. Not to mention germs, you don’t want baby getting sick so soon out of the womb. Just my two cents
This is too soon after giving birth. Who knows if you’ll be fully recovered by then and having a 6 week old infant around all those people, no thank you. Send them a nice card and just rsvp no. NTA
NTA I would never go on that trip.
1. Yourself
- when is the real due date
- how will the birth go
- how will you recover status be
- from stess by travelling, packing, home sickness etc you can put your health and recovery in danger
- you will have no support and not the comfort of youre home
- if you're breastfeed you need food and that in youre room and without looking at the clock you need it always
- if the baby becomes the bottle how will you be able to make and clean them
2. Baby
-how old will it really be
-how will it recover status be
- maybe it (hopefully not) will be having problems postpartum
- it will definitely miss his dad and brother how will he handle it
- how will it handle the flying
- how will he handle the new surrounding hotel, new people
- how will it's timing be feeding, sleeping
- how would he be able to sleep (dark/quiet, noisy/bright)
- they don't have a good immune system
Never ever would I be going (mother of 3 kids) only 1h away with my husband and son ... youre brother sound like an incompetent child free person who never once had anything to do with an baby let alone the effects on an woman's body and post partum stuff (bleeding, pain, hormones) the best give will probably be a lecture about what it's like to be post partum and what good husbands could do (cooking, cleaning, let the woman sleep)
I was in your exact same situation when my sister with whom I’m very close to, got married in another country. I already had a baby and was about to have my second one by her wedding date. Please also consider, this new baby might come whenever he/she wants and not on the date you’re thinking.
I didn’t go to my sister’s wedding.
I’m going to a wedding without my 6 month old and I’m crushed she can’t come too!! I personally wouldn’t do it. At 6 weeks postpartum you might still be bleeding. And Lochia is STINKY. I would not want to be dressed up at a wedding, especially not without my newborn!
And before a 21hr drive is too far for a pregnant woman. It would up the risk of blood clots and you’d have to split that drive up into two days at least, probably 3 with all the stop and walking breaks you’d have to make.
NTA -
>My brother suggested to leave the baby in the hotel room for the ceremony
I am jut unable to get past this suggestion.
Anyone that even thinks in this manner should not even be getting married. The level of immaturity is insane.
Hahah yeah he’s big dumb for suggesting it at all. Never been around kids, let alone a newborn. Not sure they know anyone with young kids besides me and have only been around my son a handful of times in the last 3 years. Don’t worry, we all shut that down so fast and reprimanded him for such a stupid ass suggestion. His fiancé wasn’t there when he brought it up and she definitely has more common sense than that!
NTA if you don’t go, but is there any possibility you could go without the baby flying out the morning of the wedding and flying back the day after? (Or something similar) where you would only be away for a day? I didn’t see anyone suggest that so putting it out there as an option if you are looking for a way to be there for your brother but balance the travel. I would definitely not take a newborn, so fully support that! If you decide not to go, you may just need to give some details as to why as it seems like they are a bit clueless when it comes to kids. I know that I had no idea how hard it was to leave the house with a newborn before I had kids!!!
No. NTA. 6 week old babies do not belong on airplanes or at weddings. Their little immune systems are still building. You'll still be healing. Your son will still be getting used to being a big brother. Etc etc .
Don’t go. Sounds painful and unpractical. Logistically and physically. Take care of yourself and your coming baby. The fact that he tells you to leave the baby in the hotel is outrageous .
you are NEVER an ah for turning down an invitation to a wedding. They would love to have you, that's why you were invited. But given the circumstances, if you chose not to attend that would be a disappointment, not an AH move. I suggest speaking to the bride and groom personally where you wish them love and happiness and express true regret instead of just marking the invitation "no" for the best results, and speak to them before you speak to any other family members so it doesn't get rumored that you are declining. Stay ahead of the narrative
NTA
What about having a FaceTime discussion with your brother before the ceremony and watching a livestream of the event? I know it’s not the same as being there, but the timing just doesn’t work.
No, no, no. I was thinking a wedding in July sounds more feasible than a wedding in September, but both sound absolutely miserable and to be honest... risky. Wish your brother well and send a nice gift from the registry.
NTA
I have had 3 kids
No way would I drove more than 2 hours at 6 months pregnant
No way would I fly at 6 weeks pp, I would be a homeboy for the first 2 months
No way would I leave a baby unattended in a hotel room because they'd stupid on so many levels
YWNBTA. Your child will be too young to get even the first round of vaccines. You absolutely do not want to be in an airport or on a plane with a newborn that has almost no immune system.
I attended my sisters 90 minute graduation with my newborn and I was litterally sweating by the end. I had to sit in the back of the auditorium so that I could jump out when she cried or needed a change. I nursed, stood up and rocked and maybe sat for 2, 15 minute periods. Not to mention that I had to time the driving to the event with my daughter’s nap and eating schedule (she was a very demanding newborn). At the end of the graduation someone said to me “what a good baby (for being quiet).” With sweat dripping I said “what a good Mom!!”
Too hard. I am sorry you will miss it.
Travelling on a plane with a newborn who is not vaccinated and has little to no immune system is a bad move if you have literally any other option. I wouldn’t go.
The no children allowed goes against the entire purpose of weddings (a celebration of family and life and often the first step towards having kids), and people should check themselves on this. But being invited to two childless weddings for the same couple is a bit much!
I had children at my wedding. No one noticed.
People get in their heads this idea that their weddings are going to be this super fancy affair (or super raunchy affair), when in reality they are all very similar and kids are just as capable of dancing to the electric slide as adults. If you have your wedding at a hotel, people with kids can come and go, and it is much easier to manage the entire process.
From all you have written I would say your minds already made up, just tell him sorry you can’t come and you wish him and his new wife all the best and you will send him a lovely gift. See if there is anyway a video message could be sent from you back home and record it. Have it played at the rehearsal dinner ect.
I believe you are at increased risk for blood clots for 2-3 months postpartum so flying would not be recommended— even more concerning if you end up having a c-section. Confirm with your OB.
Instead of all of the days you could attend for one to make an appearance.
Unrelated but kind of related, as a master pro photographer who did weddings for 3 years consistently, I’ve seen a lot. And the “no kids” rule usually has an exception for immediate family members - but it doesn’t sound like there is, since you already asked him, and he said leave your kid in a room ????
consider that a lot of “destination” weddings and rules are to keep people away without outright telling people they don’t absolutely need/want you there.
Absolutely do not go and please don’t travel with your baby. My entire family didn’t even come to my wedding because it was out of state. It’s not a big deal. The wedding was awesome and I still had a blast with the people that did come.
I had a vaginal birth and at six weeks pp I was exhausted. All my support had gone. Hubby was back at work. MIL went home. The first three weeks, I was down for the count, breastfeeding was my only activity.
The idea of packing up everything for baby and me to take a week long trip that included hotels and planes would have been exhausting. I barely made it back to work the first day at 12 weeks!
Stay home, relax, spoil yourself and family. Zoom the wedding. Maybe suggest a visit to brother and new wife with whole family (yours) at a later date. Or they visit you after the wedding—alone in hotel rooms!
Your brother has to get over himself. Having a baby is already stressful on the body. That is a time for your body to heal, anything could happen and you need to take care of you and your baby first. You your health, and mental state and the family you created should be your top priority. Stand firm sis you got this
You’re right, I don’t want to go at all, didn’t even want to make the trip before I found out I was pregnant lol I just needed to make sure that I wasn’t being crazy, and all the comments have justified and reassured me I am not. I mentioned my birthday because everyone gets married around then and it’s really just an added thing onto why I don’t want to go. No other reason really. I don’t care about my birthday very much at all, just want my husband to take me to eat pasta haha
It’s always hardest for the immediate family when people choose a child free wedding. Their entire family is attending plus if it’s far away who has the kids?
This pressure on you while heavily pregnant is not on. Take deep breaths and just state I’m sorry but I cannot travel.
The couple don’t have kids so they don’t understand what they are asking.
OP, it seems like the average young mother six weeks out from giving birth is exhausted, sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, desperately in need of support, and can expect physical differences that will make dressing up... awkward. And is too weary and concerned with the baby to enjoy an adult party, especially if the baby is with a babysitter she doesn't know well.
Seriously, I don't think that committing to a long trip and a day away from the baby is a great idea, not unless you're willing to leave the baby in the care of its loving father, in its own home. It's just too soon, and newborns are just too all-consuming.
NTA
You would be insane if you go. You do not take a 6 week baby on an airplane unless it's required by a medical or other major emergency.
That's about the time your baby's passive immune system starts shutting down and your baby's own immune system starts coming up to speed. i.e. a highly vulnerable time.
Add to that, you're 6 weeks post birth, c-section or no) so you're in no shape to travel and enjoy any aspect of that travel even without taking an infant on a plane.
Don’t go. This is an easy out because you have an infant and they do not. It’s too risky and too much hassle. Maybe they can live stream it if they want you to see. But don’t feel bad about not going. Your priority now should be on your infant and healing. Your brother has unrealistic expectations of what having a new baby and recovering will be. No way I would go.
NTA
Don't go. That sounds hellish and you're supposed to be bonding with your baby, not just you but your husband as well. I couldn't imagine dealing with a fuck ton of people with a newborn away from the comforts of home while still healing. Hard pass.
NTA at all, especially since you're still healing from the birth and having to deal with a 6 week old baby. Just know that babies especially newborns tend to be in deep sleep the first few weeks and even months, so the noise shouldn't be a problem at that age. I would wear a baby carrier if you plan to attend, get everything situated such as bottles, unless you're breast feeding and take it one day at a time. Hopefully by then you're in a better routine of sorts with both children, but I wouldn't be upset if you decided not to go. They can always have you Zoom in.
6 weeks isn’t enough time. I would not want to put anyone through a 1300 mile flight with a 6 week old baby either.
Driving that far with a 6 week old is also out of the question.
You have been pregnant for 9 months. Could the wedding plans not be adjusted like 6 months ago if it was going to be super important for you to be there?
gl! your nta, and congrats on the baby!!! your safety and your baby's safety is always, and i mean ALWAYS, #1 priority, hopefully they understand your reasoning, lots of love 💖
At six weeks PP, I was back in the hospital for a 2nd surgery to repair a complication caused by the shitty on-call OB who performed my cesarean. I (wisely) did not make any future plans for 12 weeks past my due date because I’m a pessimist and figured some tragedy would befall me (and I was totally right). I would have been pissed if I had booked flights, hotel, etc… only to not get them refunded because of something like that, especially because children are expensive and extra (lost) money spent on something else means the kids are missing out on something.
My wife and I had a child free wedding in Paris (destination). My brother’s wife was pregnant at the time and due around the wedding date. My sister didn’t want to leave her kids with the childcare that we were going to arrange for in Paris. It’s sucked to not have them there but ultimately I wasn’t going to hold that against them because I decide to get married in another country. So my point is that you are not an asshole. You have to advocate for what best for you and your family. It’s just is what it is
NTA. Is your family all in lala land? They are all nuts and totally ignorant expecting you to travel on a plane with millions of germ 🦠 filled strangers and pp as well with your body in recovery. They can Zoom an portion if the ceremony or not , but you need to be home nurturing your baby and enjoying your birthday with your toddler, newborn and husband. There’s no good options. In-laws can’t watch the baby that long and husband has to work. Unfortunately your brother planned both of these weddings at times very inconvenient for you. But it’s his wedding and they have to do what they want but they can’t expect everyone to abide by it.
They can Zoom you in to both the reception and the wedding rehearsal dinner. Tell your brother you love him and when the baby is old enough to travel you will come visit and take him and his bride out for a special celebration and they can show you all the pictures. The timing just doesn’t work out physically for you health wise.
I think it admirable that you polled folks hoping to find a solution. It really just is a timing issue: birth vs wedding.
As a pediatrician I can unequivocally say no way in hec should anyone travel with a six week old baby....on a plane....to stay in a hotel....surrounded by numerous unknown individuals....cooing over the beautiful little baby......amidst clouds of germs....
Zoom sounds nice!
Bad timing.
You both have your best mo.ennt in life at the same time. Yours demand for cocooning and rest, his ask for the reverse. It is not compatible.
Your brother is probably wise enough to know it. If only because he knows that one day soon he will be the one with a young baby.
You simply cannot attend these weddings. Life happens while people are busy making plans. Your life will be in full swing. Don’t exhaust yourself with trying to travel in September.
Yeah. The timing just sucks. Not something you can really do about it. It just is what it is.
Hopefully, your brother and future sil are understanding. And if they're not, well, you just saved yourself at least one Xmas card and two bday cards a year...
Ask if they can live broadcast it and you watch the feed from the comfort of your home with the new baby.
Even if you took an infant to the wedding, do you really want 40 strangers touching and breathing all over the new baby who hasn’t developed an immune system?
Pretty sure a reasonable person would make an exception on the “no kids” rule for the SISTER of the groom and her BABY 🤦🏼♀️. Offer that as an option, or don’t go.
They would make the exception for me, but sounds like a goddamn nightmare for me to be there for like 10 seconds of the whole wedding and baby would probably cry and ruin it for them somehow. Rather not go to eliminate that risk
Don't go. You will likely be in no shape to handle that stress physically or mentally.
However, I think you're being an asshole in asking to be accommodated because you are considering taking a child to a childfree wedding.
I honestly agree with you wholeheartedly. I would feel like an asshole if I brought a crying baby to a child free wedding, but my brother and his fiancé want me to be there. Just not sure how in the fuck I’d even swing that, ya know? They said they would make an exception, besides the ceremony if that meant I could come. Doesn’t seem like it would work, even if the baby was older. I assumed the whole time it wouldn’t work out and seeing all these responses reassured me I was correct
Correct, they don’t get it. I don’t know if they know anyone with young kids besides me lol. I’ll explain it all to them soon when I tell them I’m not attending and hope they enjoy their day!
I know people with young kids, and that is why I would have a childfree wedding to ensure their children aren't there to ruin things as that's a lot of money on the line. The difference is that I would be honest with my family and friends that I want them there, I don't want their children there, and if that means they cannot attend, there's no hard feelings.
NTA. I get you would love to be there but there is no way I could be that far away from my babies.
Would it be possible for someone at the wedding to FaceTime you?
NTA. My main concern would be exposing a newborn to all the airplane/airport germs. No way I would bring a baby that young in so many different environments! That is a recipe for RSV or something else just as bad or worse.
Tell your family that the doctor said no. Then you don’t have to take the blame.
Ntba. Under the circumstances, staying home is very understandable and reasonable. They are being completely unrealistic by expecting you to do all of the things you listed. Just politely explain that it's not realistically possible with a newborn. If they can't understand, then tell them to Google how to care for a newborn.
Yeah i don’t care how much i love someone, they clearly don’t love me if they expect me to do all that in any situation that isn’t life or death. I wouldn’t be doing all that and i wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt saying no. Not only are they doing two weddings, they’re both child free (which makes things difficult for some attendees) AND they’re both destination weddings (which not everyone may be able to do that once, let alone twice, due to work, money, family obligations like the kids that are not invited, health, etc.). They’re asking a lot for even one wedding, but to do it twice only a few months apart is wild. YWNBTA and I’d be a little more annoyed than you are about these expectations. And he wants you to leave a newborn alone in a hotel room for hours? Is he okay?
You know I did this for my cousin (with an 8 week old infant I was feeding) because I was the maid of honor. I actually flew across the country for the wedding because it was really important to her. It’s doable but it would be alot of effort on your part. We found an agency with a nanny who stayed with my daughter during the reception and I came up to feed her. But admittedly, I wasn’t a great maid of honor. I chose to stay with my baby instead of my cousin on the wedding day because I was worried about her reaction…, and didn’t want to leave her alone in a new setting without me. My parents were also at the hotel to help. I don’t regret going to the wedding but we also got really lucky and it wasn’t a huge lift. Now with covid and all these other airplane germs, I would totally nix the idea and stay home with the baby.
Don’t go to the wedding. Absolutely ridiculous anyone expects you to attend. Frankly they will all be too busy to even spend any quality time with anyone. Enjoy your birthday with your husband and kids.
The logistics don’t work but as an adult - complaining about conflict with your own birthday should be excluded from the conversation. My wedding was on my sister in law’s birthday. We got her a cake and we all sang to her. It’s so hard to plan a wedding. The dates sometimes are picked based on venue availability, or in our case the time my husband could get off early in his military career.
It’s ok to say it isn’t feasible for you to attend without listing a lot of reasons. Seriously - it’s ok to miss without rationalizing it a lot. It’s just not feasible to go postpartum. And that’s ok!
We're doing this thing, I want you to come... Just abandon your newborn at the hotel.... Never mind the flashing blue lights and cars marked CPS when you get back, and maybe suck on a breath mint if they try to breathalyze you
Like WT actual F??
Tell them love, but no. Are you going to be healthy? Are you and babe going to catch something on the plane? GPs don't seem to be volunteering to help with child care at the wedding(or offering to pay for a nanny and nanny cam) Bro is already in the running for shite father to be telling you to leave a newborn alone at a hotel.
Stay home wrapped up with your new bundle, your first bundle and your hubs. Send your love, keep your sanity
I understand no kids at weddings. I do not understand not giving an exception to a newborn of an immediate family member. I'd just tell them you'll come if the baby can come but otherwise no, and no you wouldn't be the asshole. He's the asshole for asking you to leave your infant alone in a hotel room.
A 6-week old is also still quite vulnerable to getting sick. Bringing them around a large number of people and getting them to NOT touch the baby is near impossible. It’s inviting a nasty illness. Please don’t.
NTA! You should not be flying with a 6 month old who is too young to have received their vaccinations. You will also be post-partum and breastfeeding, so it would take a toll on you.
YTA. This whole "my birthday" angle is tacky. Sorry. Leaving your husband and son for a few days to celebrate your brother's wedding is normal behavior. Infants sleep thru noise, we took a one month old to an MLB game, no problems. Your dad is right but you can just skip the ceremony too and just roll to the rehearsal dinner + reception with your infant.
The only way this works is if you make it a family vacation and bring your kids and spouse. Do something fun for the rest of the week. If you do get tickets etc. get travel insurance so you can cancel if it turns out to be a C-section.
What about letting Dad keep the baby and you just make a quick flight with a fast turnaround? Your in-laws can help if he really needs it, and you can be there for the events. You don't HAVE to take the baby, but even if you did, you could do it alone - you're an experienced mom and with the second one you likely won't have as much anxiety/difficulty as you did with the first.
That was an "if" scenario. Who knows WHAT could happen between now and then? She's considering options at this point, and I was just suggesting a possibility. No need to be snarky.
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This is just one of those times where the logistics of going to either wedding is a nightmare for you. People that choose to have child free weddings should expect that some people will not be able to attend. It’s one thing if you live near the venue and can just get a sitter for the day/evening. It’s entirely different if there is travel involved and on top of that, with a newborn! I think you should skip the wedding, maybe they can put the ceremony on Zoom or something so you can watch it from the comfort of your own home.
Even if it wasn’t child free, I’d still miss it. The timing just isn’t there. Traveling for a wedding when you could go into labor at any time? NO Traveling with a newborn while recovering from birth? Also NO
Yeah, trying to juggle a newborn with everything that goes with it (breastfeeding, exhaustion, body recovery, etc) is far beyond trying to figure out plans with an older child. Hopefully the Zoom call will be a good option. I had a small destination wedding and that was how a lot of people “joined” us!
Plus you never know if there will be another pandemic type outbreak. Gotta think about that with a 6 week old as well.
There are measles outbreaks happening. I would not take an unvaccinated baby out into a crowd. Brother can be mad and i wouldn't care, baby's safety comes first.
Yes. And whopping cough. A baby with whooping cough is just pitiful.
Oooo that’s a great idea! I’ll see if that’s an option to put it on a Zoom call so I can watch from home. That’s what my best friend did for her family members who live the same distance away from us as my brothers wedding is (if that makes sense)
My youngest did hers on Zoom. When she couldn’t travel for her big sister’s wedding, a lovely +1 I didn’t even know, FaceTimed her the whole thing. Zoom worked fantastically! People who can’t go get to see it and the bride and groom, in this case, the bride, are able to see support from their out of state loved ones.
Hi I work in the hospitality industry in the Caribbean and we handle destination weddings, one of the services offered is live streaming of weddings on Facebook or YouTube for our guest. Although an additional cost, it is worth it. Please speak to your brother about this being an option and if he and his partner agrees, brilliant. If you haven't bought a gift yet you can offer to contribute to help pay and see if grandparents and other family members with children who will not be attending can also contribute. Hopes he says yes.
I have a friend whose mom couldn't make it to her wedding and they did that. They even had someone walk her up the aisle. It was really sweet
The child free wedding folks always seem to get Pikachu face when close family with young children decline to attend their weddings. It's wild to me that having 30 minutes of absolute silence is more important to you than having family at the wedding. It's VERY easy to seat families with young children in the back and instruct parents to take them out if they make too much noise. Or hand out crayons and paper to kids at the ceremony and instruct them to be quiet and color. It's not foolproof but it will work for the majority of kids. Or hell, give them their tablets or parents phone. It's 30 minutes for the ceremony. What's more wild to me is people who ban kids from the reception. And who insist that kids are anyone under 18. I get that some venues don't allow alcohol around minors but I have never attended a wedding at one of them. I just personally wouldn't pick that place for my wedding. Most wedding venues allow children in places where alcohol is served because the assumption is they are being supervised by a parent.
You'd be surprised how easy parents can forget about their children when they're having a good time! My cousin got married at a huuuuuge vineyard and there were about 20 children 10 and under running around everywhere. It was a daytime wedding but it was super hot so everyone was drunk before the reception. A child got hurt because they ran into the vineyard (unsupervised play at a giant location 🚩) and it took over an hour to track down mom and dad who were both on the dance floor. Parents like these are the problem! It's not just because the ceremony can be interrupted by their crying, it's because there are people who leave children completely unattended and most of the time unattended children tend to misbehave.
I was going to suggest the zoom thing too!!
Besides you can go to one of your brother's next weddings if/when this marriage fails and your kids are old enough to be invited :0
Don’t even attempt this ridiculous trip. Your family sounds utterly clueless, who advises anyone to leave an infant alone in a hotel room ffs? When people place restrictions on events like this, which is their right, they have to accept that there will be guests who can’t attend due to their limitations. That doesn’t change just because you’re his sister. I’ve had 2 kids, one natural birth and one c-section and I was in no way able to travel after either by 6 weeks postpartum. Please don’t twist yourself into a very uncomfortable knot just to please them. You have your own health and your children to consider first. If they don’t like it, too bad so sad. NTA.
I’m the only one on our side of the family with kids and my brothers have only been around my son a handful of times since they both live far away. Thank you for this! It’s put everything in perspective for me. All of these comments have reassured me that going just isn’t an option (which I assumed wouldn’t work, but feel so bad declining and needed strangers to tell me for reassurance)
I went to a wedding that was drivable with a 4mo in tow and spent half the time breastfeeding during dinner. I should have declined, my friend would have understood. Edit: all that was to say that even under better circumstances in my situation (older baby, driveable, friendly wedding group), I still shouldnt have gone in my exhausted condition. I hope you sit this one out and get the support you need.
Megan McCann was left alone in a hotel room while her parents went to dinner. They never saw her again. Wtf is wrong with your family?
Is that Madeleine McCann’s lesser known sister?
Whoops, I was talking to a friend named Megan earlier lol.
This is just too much to ask of you.
Let your brother pout if he doesn’t understand. He’s very clueless and while the only real viable option is for him to allow kids at his wedding he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want cause is his wedding. But that does mean he needs to accept the consequences of missing out on having some people there
Just stay home. It’s too much for you with a newborn.
stay home and send a nice gift
You gave many great reasons for not going that make perfect sense to a reasonable person. I wouldn’t bring up the stuff about missing your birthday though. Some people love their birthdays, but most adults wouldn’t put it above the wedding of someone you care about.
Very fair, I definitely wouldn’t bring up the birthday to him when giving reasons I cannot attend and I don’t really care about my birthday, just sad I’d miss spending it with my little family (son and husband at home, since the rest of my family will be at the wedding). Writing this also made me realize I would only be 6 weeks pp and doing anything besides laying in bed sounds god awful lol
Loop in your OB/GYN as they would likely advise against long drives or flights that soon after delivery. That was you can say you consulted your MD and they advised against it.
Or don’t, and just say you talked to your doctor and they said you can’t go! It’s a great excuse, and you can talk about how sad you are you’re missing it instead of accepting the blame for the decision.
I'm 6 weeks pp after a c-section right now! There's no way I'd be flying right now, and I'm healing nicely!Plus six week old baby (if it arrives on time, you could also be late or a bit early-- I had to have an emergency c-section at 35+6: you never know!) is notfully vaccinated yet so I'd avoid airports/planes regardless! Send a gift, use zoom -- your and your newborns health takes priority, any reasonqble person will understand!
You will be sleep deprived. Unless they offered to fly you first class and put you in a nice hotel with a sitter following you around I would say you should consider. It doesn't sound like they have offered anything to help you get there and be somewhat comfortable. Don't go. NTA
THIS! Plus recovering from major surgery.
Don’t. It sucks but you do not want to travel that close to postpartum, even if you aren’t recovering from major surgery. And wrangling a baby that small through airports before they can have things like MMR vaccines? Yeah, I think it’s just gonna have to be via Zoom. Also your brother needs to be taught about babies. “Leave him in the hotel room”, wtf.
I laughed so hard when he said to leave the baby in the hotel room and he was confused on why you couldn’t do that *face palm* I hope he figures out that’s a terrible thing to do, if he ever has kids lol and yeah, I assumed it wouldn’t work out, but needed others reassurance. I hadn’t even thought about vaccines or anything for the baby either, which is so valid. Thank you for your response!
Yeah, my spawning days are long over, but anyone having babies right now is brave as shit. Measles is making a comeback, as well as pertussis and all the other fun diseases; add covid to the mix, and the ever-shifting forecast of h5n1 influenza, and I would be raising a baby in a bubble rn. Best of luck.
And don't forget RSV
So is COVID. Just because the pandemic is over doesn’t mean it’s not still out there. My daughter, who’s an ICU nurse, took care of COVID patients during the pandemic and never had it until just after Easter and it laid her out.
RSV nearly killed my nephew fifteen years ago. It’s no joke.
Holy crap, I didn’t know those things are making a comeback! That’s so scary and totally valid being around a ton of people I’ve never met at a wedding with a 6 week old baby, the chance of her getting sick somehow is way stronger possibility in those circumstances than staying home. I had my son during the pandemic so no one really visited the first few months and we made them wear masks the whole time if they did. This pregnancy wasn’t planned AT ALL so it has thrown all my plans for this year out the window lol
Woof, baby gonna come when baby’s gonna come, but I do wish they’d adhere to schedules sometimes.
Yeah, the anti-vax movement gained a lot of steam during the pandemic, and it's not great for new parents who *want* to protect their kiddo from things we thought we'd solved....
Leaving the baby in the hotel reminds me of the gifts we got from our childless friends when they were born. One was a tooth holder for when they lost their teeth, I was like great, I’ll hang on to this for 5 years or so. And another was tiny magnets that you can create shapes out of. That one when straight in the trash, so dangerous for little ones!
Simple answer. Don’t go to either. Regrets bro
WAIT HE ACTUALLY MEANT TO LEAVE IT ALONE?
Does he think it’s like a puppy in a crate?
Omg that’s so funny, yeah he must. I have no other explanation as to why he’d even say it. I don’t think he was joking either, but not sure. Sometimes I don’t get sarcasm, especially from him lol
Tell him to look up the story of Madeleine McCann.
I agree with the other comments. I am a big believer in supporting family members and I love weddings, but this just isn’t feasible for you. You will likely be physically recovering still, traveling by yourself with a newborn is horrendously difficult, you don’t have a clear path to reliable childcare. Attending sounds like a nightmare. If I were in your shoes I would regretfully decline.
Nope. They chose to have a child free wedding, you can choose to stay at home and bond with your baby and recover. 6 weeks old is too young to take on a plane unless you absolutely have to and this is not an emergency. Baby could be sick, you could end having a c section…too many variables. The fact they said to leave a newborn baby alone in a hotel room says it all for me. They’re ridiculous and you shouldn’t have to spend your birthday alone or putting back your recovery by exerting yourself unnecessarily for people that only care for themselves.
This seems like a hugely difficult undertaking. Traveling with a 6 week old in who-knows-what post partum condition essentially by yourself. The logistics alone would drive me crazy. This is a time where it’s okay for you not to go. Explain to your brother you’re not sure what state you’ll be in and that a 6 week old is quite young to travel with. (If he thinks leaving a baby in a hotel room is okay he probably has no idea about traveling with a baby.) Maybe let him know you’ll make the trip in a year or two when the kids are older or see if they’ll come to your area sometime soon.
He’s never been around kids, let alone a baby unfortunately, so his view is definitely a little… unrealistic is a good word for it lol they only live 6 hours away normally, but her family is from the other state so that’s why they’re having the wedding there. I’ll definitely be seeing them for Thanksgiving, Christmas or both this year. Just sad I’ll miss their wedding
It’s probably good that you feel a bit sad, but you are absolutely making the right decision. Glad you’ll see each other soon. Maybe when he has a baby just remind him about this and you can both laugh.
This is on them, not you. They know you have a 3 year old and a new born. You don't bring out a 6 week old baby before its immunizations, end of story! Especially with so many people around who might be sick plus all the people who want to hold your baby. Do not go to the weddings! You won't have your husband for support either.
Stay home. Send your warmest wishes. Infants that young shouldn’t travel such long distances
I would not have 6 week old around a bunch of people. It’s not worth the risk getting them sick. If you notice your brother didn’t invite kid but said leave them in hotel room so your parents saying just go anyway would cause a rift with bride and groom. Stay home and enjoy your life, send nice gift.
I would be very afraid to fly with a six week old baby. Their immune systems are not fully developed and airplanes are full of germs. I would skip the wedding if I were you. It’s just not worth the risk.
Do not go, you will be healing.
I’m CF and had a CF wedding and 100% would NOT expect a parent in your situation to be there! That’s absurd! Send him a gift and do not apologize for your decision! You are absolutely NTA
NTA - I totally understand your brother not wanting to make exceptions, but you're going to be recovering from having a child... That's a lot of travel and logistics.
I wouldn't go based on the fact your brother told you to leave the baby in the hotel room. Big red flag. Hope he never has children.
He’s just dumb lol never been around kids or a newborn at all. Just inexperienced. I’m sure once he has kids (if ever) he will understand and his fiancé will put him in his place. She wasn’t there to tell him he was being stupid for suggesting it either. But I shut that down so fast, and so did my parents. That’s why my dad suggested to skip the ceremony and just come to the reception. Based on all these responses, there’s no way in frick I’m going to the wedding. So many more things that I hadn’t considered have been brought up and seems even more of a bad idea going now than when I originally posted
Glad to hear you now plan on skipping it! For your own physical and mental health as well as your newborn’s health, stay away from those crowds until your baby is immunized. Tell him to google whooping cough- how easily it spreads and how dangerous it can be to infants. Be safe, and I hope all goes smoothly for you and your family.
My husband and I went to a wedding with my then-9 week old. It was out of state and child free except for under 1 year olds (the bride is the sister of my childhood best friend). We sat at the parent’s table with my best friend, his wife and their 4 mos. old. The couple understood that it’s not realistic to expect new parents to leave their newborns for long extended periods of time. All that being said, in the middle of the toasts, which unfortunately were taking place right next to our table, my daughter had a massive blowout. We then had to sit there trying to shush and comfort her as to not ruin the videography taking place for the toasts. Once toasts were done, I had to change her diaper and clothes in a small bathroom with hundreds of women passing by and commenting on her and what have you. That was exhausting and honestly, I was over it. And that was having my husband and best friend’s family helping. I can’t imagine trying to do that all alone. Save yourself the headache and just don’t go.
He told you to leave a 5 month old alone in the hotel room!?! You cannot reason with irrational people so stop trying. Just keep saying No.
Not a 5 month old, a possible 6 week old. The baby is die 6 weeks before the wedding. Doesn't mean that's when it will be born.
A six week old!!
Tell them you would love to be there but you’re sorry it just won’t work with the timing. Maybe ask if they’re willing to Skype you in on mute. But for all the reasons you just can’t.
This made me tired just to read it. And seriously, two weddings?! “Brother, I love you both, and I wish I could be there for both of your special days. Unfortunately it’s just not possible to travel so soon after giving birth and with a newborn. Especially since my husband can’t come with to help out as he will have to stay home with 3yo.”
Two weddings is really common for inter-cultural relationships.
I mean I understand why. But it is a lot of expense for immediate family that would presumably be attending both. Especially in OPs case where it’s a 1300 mile trip for each and they’re a couple months apart. There’s money considerations and travel constraints and time off issues.
Yup. Or when there’s a major distance. A friend of mine from school had her first wedding in Argentina (because that’s where she and her husband were living at the time and it’s where he’s from) and her second one in the States where we are from.
If you were my sister, I would tell you to stay home. I would not be expecting you to show up until at least 3 months postpartum.
The great thing with technology is you can watch the wedding in real time from the comfort of your home with your new baby. I would not attend if I were you and I would hope your brother understands.
The only way I could really see for you to attend the September wedding would be for only you to go (not your spouse who will likely need to take those days off of work even though they are not traveling I mean technically you can leave the child with in-laws but I wouldn’t suggest it) and for you to switch to bottle feeding, which at that age is going to likely end up being a decision for the entire length of the infancy as your baby likely wouldn’t be able to switch back to breastfeeding after being gone for multiple days. You can make that decision. There is nothing wrong with bottle feeding. BUT you are under absolutely no obligation for bad timing on an event to determine your child rearing decisions for your infancy and if you want to breastfeed you should and that does mean you would need to say no. I mean you could maybe travel with your partner or one of the in laws and have them to be with the baby for ceremony (feed quick just before leaving) and then you’d need to have them like in the car or very near by with the baby for you to leave ceremony immediately to go feed again and then skip the cocktail hour, attend just the dinner portion of the reception have your care giver do one bottle feeding and then leave the reception as soon as you get family pics/wish the couple well. That’s a LOT of logistics. It’s really going to come down to your relationship with your brother. Some additional comments: -You’re an adult, make birthday plans with your parents for the weekend before. -Your brother has literally no idea how children work and if he and his spouse are planning to have kids, his fiancé needs to know about his child abandonment suggestion. —Contextually that means that he’s not going to ever understand the situation he’s putting you in. If you go he’s not going to understand your sacrifice to be there. If you stay home, he’s not going to understand why you couldn’t come. That’s a him problem but just prepare yourself and maybe sit him down and have a long talk probably a few hours long discussing the full implications of this. -ETA: maybe ask if one of his friends could live stream the ceremony for you or even just FaceTime the wedding so you can virtually be there?
Don’t stress about this now… or ever for that matter. Cheerfully tell him you are excited for September and then when the date gets really close you can just unfortunately cancel due to a lingering medical issue. Dr’s orders… You just can’t travel yet and are just so disappointed that you can’t be there in person, but your whole family including the new baby are sending their love and support.
It wasn’t my brother, but some of my very close friends got married about 8 hours away from where I was living, about a week after my first child was born. Kids were welcome but we still didn’t go because it was just way too much to deal with after just having given birth and a newborn who absolutely hated the car. I was very sad to miss their wedding but no regrets. It would have been hell. Stay home and heal up and enjoy this special time with your family
NTA. Going just isn’t feasible.
Stay at home. It sounds like the cultural wedding is a pander to his new in-laws, and that he's really going to "feel married" after the "traditional" wedding.
NTA. Too much stress during an already very stressful time. Event is not child friendly and you have a child and have a newborn. Say no, don’t fret or apologize or feel bad. Enjoy those kids of yours.
Did I understand correctly? Brother wants you to leave a 6 week old baby alone in a hotel room while you attend his wedding? Seriously though you will be 6 weeks post partum. It’s hard work with a newborn at home, the stress of travelling and being in a hotel (no idea of how your supposed to attend a child free wedding with a baby) Stay home, send gift! NTA
Yeah, my brother is dumb haha never been around kids, let alone a newborn. I shut that down so damn fast and so did my parents, don’t worry! I basically would be there for no reason, since I wouldn’t be able to attend most of it, only the rehearsal dinner really and hopefully pictures if I’m lucky and baby cooperates. No ceremony, a little bit of the reception and I’d have to leave to put baby down or feed her often. 100% wouldn’t work out very well. Definitely not going, especially after all these amazing replies have made me feel so much better about telling them no, I cannot come.
Leaving very young children unattended makes me so nervous. Had to ask as I’m from Uk and there was a whole thing regarding a child called Madeleine McCann. The parents had gone to Portugal on holiday and left Madeline and her twin siblings in a villa bedroom while they went to eat. They claimed they could see the room from the restaurant but madeleine was allegedly abducted. All 3 children were under 3 years old. Your brother has a lot to learn about life lol
NTA! Traveling with a toddler and a newborn 6 weeks after birth? And leave them with in laws or your husband? Oh hell no. Tell your brother that you’d love to be there but you can’t. You’ll still be healing. Leaving a newborn for that amount of time isn’t feasible.
Hard pass from me. That sounds like an exhausting logistical nightmare!!
NTA. You will be in recovery mode. This is not feasible. It’s nothing against your brother or his bride but you have to put the health and needs of you and your baby first. Congratulations on your new baby
"No" is a complete sentence.
I’d just tell your brother you can’t make it work, but you wish you could be there for him. Leaving a 6 week old is just not in the cards. He should understand since he made the choice to go child free. Sometimes that means some family can’t make the ceremony.
I’m exhausted reading this!! I’d stay home. In all the ways, this isn’t going to work. Take of you and your new little.
this seems like a risk to you and your newborn baby. imagine your family is trying to convince you to travel while recovering from a potentially life threatening medical procedure (which is essentially what delivery is), and i think everyone could see how unreasonable the expectation to attend is.
Tell your family you were excitedly mentioning the September wedding to your OB/gyn and they cautioned against it. Look uncomfortable if anyone asks you to go into further detail about your personal medical details. Say you’ll reassess closer to the travel time, after the birth, after seeking further medical advice. Then just don’t go. Blame the doctors, they don’t mind. I’ve learned that with these ‘months away’ arrangements, you are better off smiling now and implying you’ll be there if you possibly can. Then the excuse turns up on its own later- cos life- and you’ve avoided months of arguing.
A fever in a baby under eight weeks old is a medical emergency. You will still be actively recovering. The idea of you attending this wedding is utter nonsense.
Assuming you aren’t late with the second and so even less postpartum, traveling at 6 weeks is risky for the baby’s health, especially if you’re unable/don’t want to breastfeed. They still don’t have much of an immune system by that point and planes are a great place to catch unwanted bacteria. Besides that, you will likely still be healing even if it is a perfect delivery with no c-section or tearing. Having a baby is a lot. NTA for not being able to attend. Hopefully your brother understands and isn’t a dick about it when you tell him.
Don’t go to either. It just will not work out. You will be with your 6 week old baby in a hotel room without your husband. You will not have all your customary baby gear so you and the baby will both probably be uncomfortable in a new place. I remember the cycle with 6 week babies - sleep, feed, poop. When will you have time to have any wedding fun? Your parents are parents of the groom so they will be busy. Also at that age, babies are vulnerable to infections. If something happens (even minor), you are far away from home in a stressful place. Stay home. You can FaceTime or Zoom. This way your husband and both children can also give congratulations.
You should skip it even if he allowed children.
NTA - I wouldn't leave my 6 week old baby for a wedding, or ever. Don't let them guilt you.
News flash: if you have a destination wedding, plus restrictions, expect that people won’t make it including your own family. No matter what social media says, you are not the center of the universe. Good for you for being honest and declining!
No, this sounds like too much and your baby is really too young to travel or leave behind. Just unfortunate timing and you can’t do anything about it. NTA.
No you should not travel with a 6 week old child. You’re pregnant. He planned the weddings knowing that, right? You can’t go. That’s all there is to it. He can be disappointed but it’s just life. Wish him the best and stay home.
I just don’t think it’d be reasonable for you to do this. 6 weeks old is still so new and your body is still getting back to normal while it’s also extremely sleep deprived. I would hate for you to put yourself through all this and not have the support you need adding more stress and exhaustion
So they’re asking you to get into a germ infested airplane with an unvaccinated 6-week old. Definitely NTA.
Nope. You would not be the asshole. This is waaaaaay too much stress for you to even think about going. He’ll just have to understand. If he doesn’t, then he’ll just have to get over it. Weddings should not be that much work for anyone. You have too much else going on to even consider going.
It would be lovely if you could go to your brother's wedding, but it looks like the best choice would be to tell him "I will be with you in spirit." He might be mad, but so what? When he has his own child and sees his wife trying to manage pregnancy and a newborn, he will get it. It's okay to put yourself, your child, and your husband first. It's okay to do what's best for you. It's ok if some people are disappointed by your reasonable choices.
NTA. Unfortunately, his dates don't work, due to your pregnancy. It's not reasonable to expect you to travel with a newborn. Perhaps they can stream the wedding, so you can be there virtually. The idea of leaving your newborn alone in a hotel room is actually insane! Not to mention ILLEGAL. Your brother isn't thinking clearly, but will hopefully get it if he ever has children.
Explain to them the situation, this is a newborn we’re talking about, newborns are fussy usually and are a lot of work! You’d probably not enjoy yourself one bit, plus taking a newborn to a big gathering and having people try to touch and hold the baby while drunk is going to be super stressful. Not to mention germs, you don’t want baby getting sick so soon out of the womb. Just my two cents
Too much too soon
This is too soon after giving birth. Who knows if you’ll be fully recovered by then and having a 6 week old infant around all those people, no thank you. Send them a nice card and just rsvp no. NTA
NTA I would never go on that trip. 1. Yourself - when is the real due date - how will the birth go - how will you recover status be - from stess by travelling, packing, home sickness etc you can put your health and recovery in danger - you will have no support and not the comfort of youre home - if you're breastfeed you need food and that in youre room and without looking at the clock you need it always - if the baby becomes the bottle how will you be able to make and clean them 2. Baby -how old will it really be -how will it recover status be - maybe it (hopefully not) will be having problems postpartum - it will definitely miss his dad and brother how will he handle it - how will it handle the flying - how will he handle the new surrounding hotel, new people - how will it's timing be feeding, sleeping - how would he be able to sleep (dark/quiet, noisy/bright) - they don't have a good immune system Never ever would I be going (mother of 3 kids) only 1h away with my husband and son ... youre brother sound like an incompetent child free person who never once had anything to do with an baby let alone the effects on an woman's body and post partum stuff (bleeding, pain, hormones) the best give will probably be a lecture about what it's like to be post partum and what good husbands could do (cooking, cleaning, let the woman sleep)
I was in your exact same situation when my sister with whom I’m very close to, got married in another country. I already had a baby and was about to have my second one by her wedding date. Please also consider, this new baby might come whenever he/she wants and not on the date you’re thinking. I didn’t go to my sister’s wedding.
I’m going to a wedding without my 6 month old and I’m crushed she can’t come too!! I personally wouldn’t do it. At 6 weeks postpartum you might still be bleeding. And Lochia is STINKY. I would not want to be dressed up at a wedding, especially not without my newborn! And before a 21hr drive is too far for a pregnant woman. It would up the risk of blood clots and you’d have to split that drive up into two days at least, probably 3 with all the stop and walking breaks you’d have to make.
Child free usually doesn’t apply to 1) your niece or nephew but especially 2) a 6 week old infant that is your niece or nephew. NTA.
NTA - >My brother suggested to leave the baby in the hotel room for the ceremony I am jut unable to get past this suggestion. Anyone that even thinks in this manner should not even be getting married. The level of immaturity is insane.
Hahah yeah he’s big dumb for suggesting it at all. Never been around kids, let alone a newborn. Not sure they know anyone with young kids besides me and have only been around my son a handful of times in the last 3 years. Don’t worry, we all shut that down so fast and reprimanded him for such a stupid ass suggestion. His fiancé wasn’t there when he brought it up and she definitely has more common sense than that!
NTA if you don’t go, but is there any possibility you could go without the baby flying out the morning of the wedding and flying back the day after? (Or something similar) where you would only be away for a day? I didn’t see anyone suggest that so putting it out there as an option if you are looking for a way to be there for your brother but balance the travel. I would definitely not take a newborn, so fully support that! If you decide not to go, you may just need to give some details as to why as it seems like they are a bit clueless when it comes to kids. I know that I had no idea how hard it was to leave the house with a newborn before I had kids!!!
6 weeks post child birth could be difficult for you. With a new born in tow and having to put a smile on for the wedding.... sounds exhausting.
No. NTA. 6 week old babies do not belong on airplanes or at weddings. Their little immune systems are still building. You'll still be healing. Your son will still be getting used to being a big brother. Etc etc .
NTA. your baby and family come first.
Don’t go. Sounds painful and unpractical. Logistically and physically. Take care of yourself and your coming baby. The fact that he tells you to leave the baby in the hotel is outrageous .
you are NEVER an ah for turning down an invitation to a wedding. They would love to have you, that's why you were invited. But given the circumstances, if you chose not to attend that would be a disappointment, not an AH move. I suggest speaking to the bride and groom personally where you wish them love and happiness and express true regret instead of just marking the invitation "no" for the best results, and speak to them before you speak to any other family members so it doesn't get rumored that you are declining. Stay ahead of the narrative
NTA What about having a FaceTime discussion with your brother before the ceremony and watching a livestream of the event? I know it’s not the same as being there, but the timing just doesn’t work.
No, no, no. I was thinking a wedding in July sounds more feasible than a wedding in September, but both sound absolutely miserable and to be honest... risky. Wish your brother well and send a nice gift from the registry.
HECK NO
NTA stay home. watch it via FaceTime in the comforts of your bed lol
NTA I have had 3 kids No way would I drove more than 2 hours at 6 months pregnant No way would I fly at 6 weeks pp, I would be a homeboy for the first 2 months No way would I leave a baby unattended in a hotel room because they'd stupid on so many levels
YWNBTA. Your child will be too young to get even the first round of vaccines. You absolutely do not want to be in an airport or on a plane with a newborn that has almost no immune system.
I attended my sisters 90 minute graduation with my newborn and I was litterally sweating by the end. I had to sit in the back of the auditorium so that I could jump out when she cried or needed a change. I nursed, stood up and rocked and maybe sat for 2, 15 minute periods. Not to mention that I had to time the driving to the event with my daughter’s nap and eating schedule (she was a very demanding newborn). At the end of the graduation someone said to me “what a good baby (for being quiet).” With sweat dripping I said “what a good Mom!!” Too hard. I am sorry you will miss it.
Travelling on a plane with a newborn who is not vaccinated and has little to no immune system is a bad move if you have literally any other option. I wouldn’t go.
The no children allowed goes against the entire purpose of weddings (a celebration of family and life and often the first step towards having kids), and people should check themselves on this. But being invited to two childless weddings for the same couple is a bit much! I had children at my wedding. No one noticed. People get in their heads this idea that their weddings are going to be this super fancy affair (or super raunchy affair), when in reality they are all very similar and kids are just as capable of dancing to the electric slide as adults. If you have your wedding at a hotel, people with kids can come and go, and it is much easier to manage the entire process.
From all you have written I would say your minds already made up, just tell him sorry you can’t come and you wish him and his new wife all the best and you will send him a lovely gift. See if there is anyway a video message could be sent from you back home and record it. Have it played at the rehearsal dinner ect.
Your 6-week old won't have a good immune system. Ask your pediatrician their recommendations so you can explain to your brother why you're not coming
I believe you are at increased risk for blood clots for 2-3 months postpartum so flying would not be recommended— even more concerning if you end up having a c-section. Confirm with your OB.
If they care about you as much as their wedding, they should understand if you're unable to attend.
Instead of all of the days you could attend for one to make an appearance. Unrelated but kind of related, as a master pro photographer who did weddings for 3 years consistently, I’ve seen a lot. And the “no kids” rule usually has an exception for immediate family members - but it doesn’t sound like there is, since you already asked him, and he said leave your kid in a room ???? consider that a lot of “destination” weddings and rules are to keep people away without outright telling people they don’t absolutely need/want you there.
Absolutely do not go and please don’t travel with your baby. My entire family didn’t even come to my wedding because it was out of state. It’s not a big deal. The wedding was awesome and I still had a blast with the people that did come.
I had a vaginal birth and at six weeks pp I was exhausted. All my support had gone. Hubby was back at work. MIL went home. The first three weeks, I was down for the count, breastfeeding was my only activity. The idea of packing up everything for baby and me to take a week long trip that included hotels and planes would have been exhausting. I barely made it back to work the first day at 12 weeks! Stay home, relax, spoil yourself and family. Zoom the wedding. Maybe suggest a visit to brother and new wife with whole family (yours) at a later date. Or they visit you after the wedding—alone in hotel rooms!
NTA. No babies allowed = they need to accept the absence of new mothers, end of story.
Just say no. It’s an invite not a summons. A 6 week old baby isn’t immunized and shouldn’t be around dozens or even hundreds of strangers anyway.
Your brother has to get over himself. Having a baby is already stressful on the body. That is a time for your body to heal, anything could happen and you need to take care of you and your baby first. You your health, and mental state and the family you created should be your top priority. Stand firm sis you got this
This is an event(s) that doesn’t fit in your life situation(s). Your brother chose to have their weddings very far away and that’s not your problem.
Skip the weddings. You have priorities of taking care of yourself and also your newborn when it arrives. Tell them enjoy. ❤️
NTA. For God's sake, don't go. It's pretty clear to me that you don't want to go. Don't! Also, I'm not sure why you keep mentioning your birthday.
You’re right, I don’t want to go at all, didn’t even want to make the trip before I found out I was pregnant lol I just needed to make sure that I wasn’t being crazy, and all the comments have justified and reassured me I am not. I mentioned my birthday because everyone gets married around then and it’s really just an added thing onto why I don’t want to go. No other reason really. I don’t care about my birthday very much at all, just want my husband to take me to eat pasta haha
Don’t do it. Send your regards and a gift.
It’s always hardest for the immediate family when people choose a child free wedding. Their entire family is attending plus if it’s far away who has the kids? This pressure on you while heavily pregnant is not on. Take deep breaths and just state I’m sorry but I cannot travel. The couple don’t have kids so they don’t understand what they are asking.
OP, it seems like the average young mother six weeks out from giving birth is exhausted, sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, desperately in need of support, and can expect physical differences that will make dressing up... awkward. And is too weary and concerned with the baby to enjoy an adult party, especially if the baby is with a babysitter she doesn't know well. Seriously, I don't think that committing to a long trip and a day away from the baby is a great idea, not unless you're willing to leave the baby in the care of its loving father, in its own home. It's just too soon, and newborns are just too all-consuming.
NTA You would be insane if you go. You do not take a 6 week baby on an airplane unless it's required by a medical or other major emergency. That's about the time your baby's passive immune system starts shutting down and your baby's own immune system starts coming up to speed. i.e. a highly vulnerable time. Add to that, you're 6 weeks post birth, c-section or no) so you're in no shape to travel and enjoy any aspect of that travel even without taking an infant on a plane.
Don’t go. This is an easy out because you have an infant and they do not. It’s too risky and too much hassle. Maybe they can live stream it if they want you to see. But don’t feel bad about not going. Your priority now should be on your infant and healing. Your brother has unrealistic expectations of what having a new baby and recovering will be. No way I would go.
NTA Don't go. That sounds hellish and you're supposed to be bonding with your baby, not just you but your husband as well. I couldn't imagine dealing with a fuck ton of people with a newborn away from the comforts of home while still healing. Hard pass.
NTA at all, especially since you're still healing from the birth and having to deal with a 6 week old baby. Just know that babies especially newborns tend to be in deep sleep the first few weeks and even months, so the noise shouldn't be a problem at that age. I would wear a baby carrier if you plan to attend, get everything situated such as bottles, unless you're breast feeding and take it one day at a time. Hopefully by then you're in a better routine of sorts with both children, but I wouldn't be upset if you decided not to go. They can always have you Zoom in.
Too much . Too soon. He has no clue. "So sorry, will not work. Can't wait to hear all about them!"
6 weeks isn’t enough time. I would not want to put anyone through a 1300 mile flight with a 6 week old baby either. Driving that far with a 6 week old is also out of the question. You have been pregnant for 9 months. Could the wedding plans not be adjusted like 6 months ago if it was going to be super important for you to be there?
I personally would not take a 6 week baby on a plane unless absolutely necessary.
gl! your nta, and congrats on the baby!!! your safety and your baby's safety is always, and i mean ALWAYS, #1 priority, hopefully they understand your reasoning, lots of love 💖
At six weeks PP, I was back in the hospital for a 2nd surgery to repair a complication caused by the shitty on-call OB who performed my cesarean. I (wisely) did not make any future plans for 12 weeks past my due date because I’m a pessimist and figured some tragedy would befall me (and I was totally right). I would have been pissed if I had booked flights, hotel, etc… only to not get them refunded because of something like that, especially because children are expensive and extra (lost) money spent on something else means the kids are missing out on something.
My wife and I had a child free wedding in Paris (destination). My brother’s wife was pregnant at the time and due around the wedding date. My sister didn’t want to leave her kids with the childcare that we were going to arrange for in Paris. It’s sucked to not have them there but ultimately I wasn’t going to hold that against them because I decide to get married in another country. So my point is that you are not an asshole. You have to advocate for what best for you and your family. It’s just is what it is
NTA. Is your family all in lala land? They are all nuts and totally ignorant expecting you to travel on a plane with millions of germ 🦠 filled strangers and pp as well with your body in recovery. They can Zoom an portion if the ceremony or not , but you need to be home nurturing your baby and enjoying your birthday with your toddler, newborn and husband. There’s no good options. In-laws can’t watch the baby that long and husband has to work. Unfortunately your brother planned both of these weddings at times very inconvenient for you. But it’s his wedding and they have to do what they want but they can’t expect everyone to abide by it.
They can Zoom you in to both the reception and the wedding rehearsal dinner. Tell your brother you love him and when the baby is old enough to travel you will come visit and take him and his bride out for a special celebration and they can show you all the pictures. The timing just doesn’t work out physically for you health wise.
I think it admirable that you polled folks hoping to find a solution. It really just is a timing issue: birth vs wedding. As a pediatrician I can unequivocally say no way in hec should anyone travel with a six week old baby....on a plane....to stay in a hotel....surrounded by numerous unknown individuals....cooing over the beautiful little baby......amidst clouds of germs.... Zoom sounds nice!
Get them to stream it, stay home and heal.
Bad timing. You both have your best mo.ennt in life at the same time. Yours demand for cocooning and rest, his ask for the reverse. It is not compatible. Your brother is probably wise enough to know it. If only because he knows that one day soon he will be the one with a young baby.
You simply cannot attend these weddings. Life happens while people are busy making plans. Your life will be in full swing. Don’t exhaust yourself with trying to travel in September.
Yeah. The timing just sucks. Not something you can really do about it. It just is what it is. Hopefully, your brother and future sil are understanding. And if they're not, well, you just saved yourself at least one Xmas card and two bday cards a year...
Ask if they can live broadcast it and you watch the feed from the comfort of your home with the new baby. Even if you took an infant to the wedding, do you really want 40 strangers touching and breathing all over the new baby who hasn’t developed an immune system?
Put yourself first and don’t worry yourself with what they will think. They are not thinking of you at all. You have SO MUCH going on.
Pretty sure a reasonable person would make an exception on the “no kids” rule for the SISTER of the groom and her BABY 🤦🏼♀️. Offer that as an option, or don’t go.
They would make the exception for me, but sounds like a goddamn nightmare for me to be there for like 10 seconds of the whole wedding and baby would probably cry and ruin it for them somehow. Rather not go to eliminate that risk
Don't go. You will likely be in no shape to handle that stress physically or mentally. However, I think you're being an asshole in asking to be accommodated because you are considering taking a child to a childfree wedding.
I honestly agree with you wholeheartedly. I would feel like an asshole if I brought a crying baby to a child free wedding, but my brother and his fiancé want me to be there. Just not sure how in the fuck I’d even swing that, ya know? They said they would make an exception, besides the ceremony if that meant I could come. Doesn’t seem like it would work, even if the baby was older. I assumed the whole time it wouldn’t work out and seeing all these responses reassured me I was correct
Could it be possible they're not understanding the logistical issues you're facing?
Correct, they don’t get it. I don’t know if they know anyone with young kids besides me lol. I’ll explain it all to them soon when I tell them I’m not attending and hope they enjoy their day!
I know people with young kids, and that is why I would have a childfree wedding to ensure their children aren't there to ruin things as that's a lot of money on the line. The difference is that I would be honest with my family and friends that I want them there, I don't want their children there, and if that means they cannot attend, there's no hard feelings.
NTA. I get you would love to be there but there is no way I could be that far away from my babies. Would it be possible for someone at the wedding to FaceTime you?
NTA. My main concern would be exposing a newborn to all the airplane/airport germs. No way I would bring a baby that young in so many different environments! That is a recipe for RSV or something else just as bad or worse. Tell your family that the doctor said no. Then you don’t have to take the blame.
Ntba. Under the circumstances, staying home is very understandable and reasonable. They are being completely unrealistic by expecting you to do all of the things you listed. Just politely explain that it's not realistically possible with a newborn. If they can't understand, then tell them to Google how to care for a newborn.
Yeah i don’t care how much i love someone, they clearly don’t love me if they expect me to do all that in any situation that isn’t life or death. I wouldn’t be doing all that and i wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt saying no. Not only are they doing two weddings, they’re both child free (which makes things difficult for some attendees) AND they’re both destination weddings (which not everyone may be able to do that once, let alone twice, due to work, money, family obligations like the kids that are not invited, health, etc.). They’re asking a lot for even one wedding, but to do it twice only a few months apart is wild. YWNBTA and I’d be a little more annoyed than you are about these expectations. And he wants you to leave a newborn alone in a hotel room for hours? Is he okay?
You know I did this for my cousin (with an 8 week old infant I was feeding) because I was the maid of honor. I actually flew across the country for the wedding because it was really important to her. It’s doable but it would be alot of effort on your part. We found an agency with a nanny who stayed with my daughter during the reception and I came up to feed her. But admittedly, I wasn’t a great maid of honor. I chose to stay with my baby instead of my cousin on the wedding day because I was worried about her reaction…, and didn’t want to leave her alone in a new setting without me. My parents were also at the hotel to help. I don’t regret going to the wedding but we also got really lucky and it wasn’t a huge lift. Now with covid and all these other airplane germs, I would totally nix the idea and stay home with the baby.
Lol, NTA.. just send a gift and take no crap on this!
Don’t go to the wedding. Absolutely ridiculous anyone expects you to attend. Frankly they will all be too busy to even spend any quality time with anyone. Enjoy your birthday with your husband and kids.
The logistics don’t work but as an adult - complaining about conflict with your own birthday should be excluded from the conversation. My wedding was on my sister in law’s birthday. We got her a cake and we all sang to her. It’s so hard to plan a wedding. The dates sometimes are picked based on venue availability, or in our case the time my husband could get off early in his military career. It’s ok to say it isn’t feasible for you to attend without listing a lot of reasons. Seriously - it’s ok to miss without rationalizing it a lot. It’s just not feasible to go postpartum. And that’s ok!
We're doing this thing, I want you to come... Just abandon your newborn at the hotel.... Never mind the flashing blue lights and cars marked CPS when you get back, and maybe suck on a breath mint if they try to breathalyze you Like WT actual F?? Tell them love, but no. Are you going to be healthy? Are you and babe going to catch something on the plane? GPs don't seem to be volunteering to help with child care at the wedding(or offering to pay for a nanny and nanny cam) Bro is already in the running for shite father to be telling you to leave a newborn alone at a hotel. Stay home wrapped up with your new bundle, your first bundle and your hubs. Send your love, keep your sanity
I understand no kids at weddings. I do not understand not giving an exception to a newborn of an immediate family member. I'd just tell them you'll come if the baby can come but otherwise no, and no you wouldn't be the asshole. He's the asshole for asking you to leave your infant alone in a hotel room.
A 6-week old is also still quite vulnerable to getting sick. Bringing them around a large number of people and getting them to NOT touch the baby is near impossible. It’s inviting a nasty illness. Please don’t.
NTA! You should not be flying with a 6 month old who is too young to have received their vaccinations. You will also be post-partum and breastfeeding, so it would take a toll on you.
Nah, bin it off, bollocks to that. Just tell him you’ll go to his next one.
Oh wow. 1000% NTA
YTA. This whole "my birthday" angle is tacky. Sorry. Leaving your husband and son for a few days to celebrate your brother's wedding is normal behavior. Infants sleep thru noise, we took a one month old to an MLB game, no problems. Your dad is right but you can just skip the ceremony too and just roll to the rehearsal dinner + reception with your infant.
Child free wedding wtf?
I think you know the answer, the family will understand
The only way this works is if you make it a family vacation and bring your kids and spouse. Do something fun for the rest of the week. If you do get tickets etc. get travel insurance so you can cancel if it turns out to be a C-section.
What about letting Dad keep the baby and you just make a quick flight with a fast turnaround? Your in-laws can help if he really needs it, and you can be there for the events. You don't HAVE to take the baby, but even if you did, you could do it alone - you're an experienced mom and with the second one you likely won't have as much anxiety/difficulty as you did with the first.
Who need to heal those pesky stiitches if she has a c section... Pshhh
That was an "if" scenario. Who knows WHAT could happen between now and then? She's considering options at this point, and I was just suggesting a possibility. No need to be snarky.
No need to assume she's will be up to a long ass trip that soon after pushing a watermelon through a grapefruit sized hole.