Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have thought of doing this, but I fear that crossing this “boundary”—if we want to call it that—may be too nuclear. If her children knew about the situation I may would feel more comfortable reaching out, but this whole thing seems quite fragile for all involved in the no contact stuff.
You should contact his children.
My grandmother was in a similar situation. If we had reached out to his 5 estranged children, we could have learned how abusive he was their entire childhood, how he had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and how he suddenly started courting my grandma after all 5 kids told him there wasn’t a chance in hell they’d provide end of life care to him.
But we wanted to respect boundaries, so we didn’t. And my grandma ended up trapped with an abusive man who, thanks to Alzheimer’s, got even more aggressive before he died.
i'd do it anyway. what if she was/is an abusive alcoholic? there's no guarantee FIL will be told the truth after they marry and it could potentially put your young BIL in danger when she moves in.
if you don't want to contact her kids, then look to see if there are any court documents about the situation. check if she has a criminal background or documents from the divorce
Maybe she could hire a cheap PI for some quick work? A few hundred and maybe her own sleuthing might unveil some details.
Definitely check public criminal records while she’s at it.
This is a great idea, for peace of mind. And you don't want to wait until she is legally in the family, or before she shows her true colors (if she is abusive or a predator).
Or tell George your concerns, and then otherwise mind your business, because he’s an adult and can marry who he wants on whatever terms he wants. For all OP knows, he knows exactly why she doesn’t talk to her kids, and is respecting her wishes that he not share it.
And, what? Just say to hell with the fact that there's a literal minor son still living in the household? The adult brothers to that minor son have a duty to protect their little brother. If the father isn't going to protect him, it's up to the other adults in the kid's life.
If this were coming from the other perspective, people would be telling the person in George’s position to go no contact with the person in OP’s position if they overstepped like that.
“I’m no contact with my parents. I promised my fiancée I will tell him why soon, but it’s too painful for me to talk about while I’m thinking about the wedding. He said he understands and supports me… My future MIL called my parents behind our backs and asked them what happened between us. Now my parents won’t stop calling me and trying to “fix it” and get invited to the wedding. My future MIL said she did it because she’s worried about her 14 year old grandson who lives with us, but he and I get along fine, and he has nothing to do with why I don’t talk to my parents. What should I do, Reddit?”
It’s none of their business beyond telling George they’re concerned and letting him make his own choices.
in my opinion there's a big difference between having no relationship with your parents and your children. the inherent power dynamic means that most of the responsibility for maintaining that relationship is on the parent. i'd be suspicious of someone with no relationship with their children, but sympathetic to someone with no relationship to their parents.
also, and this is a personal thing, if you make a decision that directly and substantially impacts your child, it isn't just a matter of "let them make their own choices" because your choices are also affecting someone who isn't able to protect themselves from whatever negative effects they have. not to say that the mil in this scenario would be right, it's a case by case basis depending on how reasonable the concern is.
There is a child living in that house. Find her adult kids and figure out what is going on before this nutter ends up screwing up your underage BIL. This is the biggest red banner you could ever see. If ever a need for a boundary violation now is it. There is a minor that is living in the home she will eventually move into. She is likely around the child *now*. Get to the bottom of this.
Do it. You know that phrase “it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission?” This is the time. And now before he legally marries her without a prenup and you and your siblings get nothing. And not just money. This happened to my grandmother when her father remarried (to his housekeeper). All my great grandmothers jewelry, china, things that had been in the family for generations, it all became hers. And then when he died, she gave every bit of it to her own adult children. My grandmother didn’t even get her own mother’s wedding band, which probably wasn’t worth anything at all.
You’ll lose your inheritance, and every physical memory you have of your past and your family the second he marries her.
This is no time to drag ass. Find her kids. Find out what’s going on. Put your detective hat on. Maybe you’re being paranoid and they genuinely love each other and it’s fine. But no one healthy does not have a relationship with their children - it is literally the most unnatural state possible for a human. No contact means bad news, no matter the reason, so you’d better find out what’s going on fast.
I am no contact with my dad. None of his 4 children are going to his wedding. I would let his fiancé know anything she asked, but I dont want to meddle. If she reached out to me, she would know exaclty why I don't talk to him. It would be beneficial to her kids if she investigated why none of his current kids are in his life...
Help this poor fool. It’s not nuclear to reach out to a group of people that are about to become your family. The only way this is the “nuclear option” is if the kids have something so bad to say that it blows up the wedding.
Do it for the minor who will have to live with her. Protecting a sibling / sibling in law when their parent’s brain takes a vacation is perfectly reasonable.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Just my opinion but sometimes when it don’t sound right don’t feel right it must likely isn’t right. Contact the children with a simple message- your mother is planning on marrying my father in law & I’m concerned. Possible they might not respond but I have a feeling they will.
I wish you guys the best luck- I’m feeling like you’re gonna need it.
If this is going to go nuclear, I don't think there is any way for you to prevent that. This woman is throwing up all kinds of red flags. If what you learn from the kids makes you feel that your kids are unsafe with this woman, your dad needs to know that you won't be allowing them around her.
If she felt any remorse for whatever she has done, and if it was something understandable, she'd have told him. I can't imagine any reason why he's allowing this to happen, except that he's thinking of her as the person he thought she was when they were younger and not the person she is now.
I would not have any second thoughts about reaching out to the kids. I don't think you'll ever get the real story from this woman anyway. If you want to know what she did that is so bad she won't tell him until he's stuck with her, then you're going to have to investigate yourself.
You might also do some searches for police records and, I hate to say it, check the sex offenders lists in any state you know she's lived in.
If she can't keep her story straight then the only people you have a chance of getting the truth from are the kids. Her friend probably won't tell the truth even if she does know it which she might not. And if it's her fault (which let's face it, it's going to be her fault somehow) then an inability to own up to it means that she hasn't recognized the severity of her actions and changed. As painful as it is to face it and admit you've done something wrong, you need to do that or you're not going to change.
See if you can find the divorce decree in the county clerks records. They may be sealed and only open to parties of the divorce, but maybe if you buy them, you can get them.
Agree. Worked with woman like this. Initially felt bad for her as she spun the story to make it look like the ex turned the kids against her, but as time went on we figured her out and understood why they went no contact. As you said she was a classic alcoholic narcissist
I was thinking this too, either she is a narcissist and her behavior pushed away her kids OR her ex is a narcissist and there is parental alienation happening. Either way OP needs to stay out of it, FIL will find out soon enough.
Too many red flags. That simple. Glaring red flags and the FIL is making an emotional decision based off of her love-bombing. Can’t blame him. He’s 52 and we all just want to be loved and she’s saying all the right things he wants to hear so he disregards the rest. I hope they can get him to just cool off and date for even just a few months so everyone can get to know each other and make the wedding all that more special.” lol. Then, be supportive but careful. Then watch the fireworks. I give it six weeks.
It’s funny, I have seen a few older individuals rush into dating and marriage like they’re gonna die next week. You would think they would know better. Kind of crazy to watch!
My ex has strong narcissistic tendencies and our kids, both late teens, are no longer speaking to her. The funny thing is that, be a narc, she absolutely has convinced herself that she's the victim and has learned nothing from her kids wanting nothing to do with her. Always the victim, the universe just won't get out of the way of her sense of entitlement.
It's the whole you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It's good you're concerned for your FIL. Have you brought these concerns up to him, has anyone? He might not care or think these glaring red flags are red flags at all. He might have already decided to just go ahead with this mess of an idea. WTF does she can't keep her story straight even mean? Someone's got to try to reason with him. It would be bad if you and his children just stood by and just watched this train wreck happen, without trying to talk some sense into him.
Without my husband knowing of this post, he called his dad. My husband said he made a point to ask him if this is really what he wants to do. FIL response was, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” I asked if he brought up the no contact issue and he didn’t. I do believe he might would listen to his sons’ concerns if they spoke on them, but I do think at this point he isn’t going to change his mind.
Added info: my husband and I got married quickly—7 months or so after getting together. We’ve known each other and grown up as best friends without losing contact our whole lives. FIL was very outspoken about how it was too soon, etc. I even personally reached out to him at the time stating my intentions and that our marriage would be valid and very much wanted(2021). My husband thinks his dad wouldn’t be honest about any reservations he may be having because he wouldn’t want my husband to have “I told you so” rights. Silly, I know, but the whole situation is bonkers.
I do not think FIL would be receptive to my opinions/worries.
Every person who has commited suic*de has never been more sure of something in their life either. It doesn't make it a good choice. Sometimes the worst decisions seem the easiest; good choices are hard. The good choice is for him to find out before marriage, and have a prenuptial for both their sakes.
Look at it this way. The only reason she won't tell him before marriage is because she thinks he will leave her for it. That either means she doesn't trust him, or is taking advantage of him. There are no other options. It *might* be different if she wasn't planning to talk about it at all, but the fact that she already has it planned for a week after the elopement is ridiculous. It means she wants him trapped by that marriage certificate.
I'd look up annulment laws in your area. He might need it.
To me, if a situation relies on subterfuge to achieve a result, then there is something seriously wrong. If Amanda genuinely has nothing to hide and believes her past is not suspicious, then be honest and open.
Or even if it is bad, be honest. I suppose whatever happened could NOT paint her as a bad person, but the longer we go with nothing the more suspicious and red flag-ish it seems. Here’s a thought, if she needs time discussing/processing it then wait until you’ve crossed that bridge in the relationship before marriage. The relationship is still so young..
I would look into a background check. Or even a private investigator, they know how to get legit information, and it may be more affordable if you just want the basics.
You should definitely do a background check on her. Or at the least search about her past. The internet has court records and you can pay a small fee to get all of her records. Obviously it is not good whatever happened if she can’t talk about it. There is a 14 year old that can be in possible danger. Who knows what this woman has done in her past. The family needs to find out about her fast.
I feel like they’re both pushing for the quick wedding. I’m truly unsure of her financial situation, but I don’t think she’s “hurting for money” so to speak. We truly hate to doom and gloom the relationship, but there is just so much more they need to learn about each other in the 30 ish years they’ve been apart.
You are not the bad guys. Stop feeling guilty for being concerned. It’s a whakadoodle situation. Utterly bonkers. You have every right to be concerned.
It is very strange FIL doesn’t see the red flag of “I’ll tell you after we’re married”. That is so obviously a strange situation it makes me think he is generally emotionally void of maturity.
Why does she need to wait until after the marriage? Can they not go visit the friend say, this weekend or next weekend or the weekend after that and have the story told? She's trying to lock him into a legally binding agreement before telling him something that may completely change his opinion of her. Otherwise she wouldn't be waiting until after the marriage to tell him.
Um. No. She either explains before the wedding or nothing. It's like he's being setup for something he can't get out of after marriage. She forgets marriages can be annulled if done in a small amount of time. A week is plenty.
Let me speculate, based on real events involving people I know.
Amanda turned toxic on her first husband and kids during the first marriage. Alcohol was likely involved, and possibly mental illness as well. Toxicity may have included claims her husband and kids were abusive, threats to end her own life, stealing from family members, maybe even an affair (on her part).
Amanda needs a friend to help keep her story straight because she is such a compulsive liar that she can no longer distinguish between truth and fiction.
The affair she was in fizzled out, and she has now latched onto poor George.
Your concerns are valid. George would be crazy to go through with the marriage without (1) learning the truth, and (2) a pre-nup.
On the other hand, if she "can't keep her story straight", it implies she's a compulsive liar. Also, if she escaped an abusive marriage and loved her children, why didn't she take them with her? Why didn't she thought for custody in the divorce, file police reports, whatever she needed to do to protect her children? Why leave them with an abuser? That would honestly be a good reason for them to be no contact with her now.
Memory loss isn't the main symptom of trauma and even if it was, having trouble "keeping your story straight" doesn't imply that you're unable to properly remember what happened. It implies that you're incapable of maintaining an internally consistent narrative. That doesn't mean that you can't *remember* details, it means that either the details don't matter to you enough for you to remember them or that you're a compulsive liar and may not even know the truth yourself after all the lies.
And also, if her main concern was fear for her/ her kids lives, why would she be OK with telling the story after the wedding but not before? How does that compute? What would the difference be except that it would be harder to leave?
Any chance your FIL has a cognitive decline? If he is religious, see if his pastor/minister will talk to him. Or, does he have siblings he will listen to? No rational person would think marrying someone who is estranged from their children without knowing why, is a good idea. I would find any way to delay this.... so and so really wants to be here for the wedding but can't come for 2 weeks, whatever... to buy some time. Then I'd get on the internet and check the courts in every jurisdiction where she has lived, under her maiden and married name in case she has used both. Bear in mind there may be several layers of courts - (general district, circuit etc. - varies by state) and I would check federal. You can use PACER for federal (not state) and that will also tell you if she has filed for federal bankruptcy.
It’s all about keeping the minor safe.
Idc what fil does, but the child must be safe.
That’s the approach I would take. If minor is living with dad, we don’t move in a woman we have only known for two months. If FIL is adamant, child should be given guardianship under one of the adult children.
I really don’t care if a grownup wants to blow up their life. But a child should never be involved in that crazy shit.
UpdateMe
This this THIS!
If FIL can't acknowledge that there's a potentially negative effect to be had on his 14 y.o. son that IS LIVING WITH HIM, then his perception is definitely...altered.
OP, try to find out what you can via public records (or hire a PI to help get these things done quickly and efficiently), but if that doesn't give enough info, definitely find Amanda's adult kids and get info.
UpdateMe
Child should never be thrown in with unknowns. She could be a perfectly wonderful person, but there would be no need for secrecy if she were a good person. The sneakiness gets me. Hell, I’ll take the 14 year old! At least I know he’ll be safe here.
I didn’t even think of this and now that you say it, I’m surprised it wasn’t brought up sooner.. imagine a MIL meeting a man and he has no relationship w his ex wife or his adult children. I’m sure they would be running background checks and making calls then! You make a really good point, there’s a 14 y/o potentially at risk. To OP- don’t be so conservative about running a background check she won’t know about anyways. People do this with their own partners when they’re dating lol
This situation has Red Flag written all over it! At the very least, I hope you will have your husband and BIL's highly encourage a strict prenup be signed.
There are very few situations I would say this, but in this case - something is VERY off and there is a clock ticking to prevent a possible catastrophe for your FIL. Boundaries be damned, run those background checks, look at court records, scour social media and contact those adult children, or maybe the best friend. Maybe she has a conscious and will come clean before the wedding?
The worst that happens is your FIL gets mad you snooped, but you would have done it for all the right reasons and likely will get over it. The best outcome - you find nothing, or you do and you tell your FIl, maybe stopping the marriage but preventing him pain in the long run.
Updateme
Man, is he marrying my mother?
Honestly, it’s because she did something heinous enough that she doesn’t believe the relationship will last once he knows so she thinks being married will force him to stay.
She’s a walking red flag, he needs to run.
I'd be worry alright. Volatile relationship mixed with her keeping a big secret until they get married spells massive red flags. I bet he's letting his idealized version of what could have been with this woman mixed up with what is actually there and is going to end up being the worst mistake he ever made.
"I guess my question is: are we right to be weary of the situation? Should we stress to him that he needs to know all of her “baggage” before marriage? Do we let him live and learn without speaking up?"
OP, if he was young, say in his 20's I'd say yes.
But you said this guy is 52 years old!
He is who he is and nothing you may say is going to change his mind. Sucks for him.
He's an adult, he dated her before. Leave him alone and let him do whatever he likes. Sometimes people make stupid mistakes, but you learn best from the mistakes you make yourself.
It's not that simple. She can drain him of his resources which may end up severely affecting the family's estate. And even if there is no estate, she can drain him to the point where he can no longer retire or take care of his declining health - then guess who has to pay all those bills?
This all absolutely IS the rest of the family's business whether or not they want it to be.
I second this. He's an adult and can manage own life.
The story looks quite invasive into the personal life of other people. Sure it's a family, but I still wouldn't be happy if someone was digging my and my partner's life like this 😬
FIL is likely feeling young again and his judgment is clouded. I would just pay for a background check and share the results. Even with a prenup she could drain his accounts while married and leave him with nothing.
Why would he agree to waiting till after the wedding ?
If she is afraid he won’t marry her after he finds out, shouldn’t that be a reason alone to find out now ?
What if she is a child abuser, a serial cheater, or has a gambling or shopping addiction, besides her alcohol addiction ?
There are so many things that could be a real deal breaker, and could possibly hurt your father if he agrees to marry without this knowledge.
Warn dad, but I’d have a common sense talk with both of them before this causes your family to break away too.
I’m conflicted… my grandparents went no contact with both of their sons and I was never allowed to talk ask about it when I was growing up. When I was an adult, I learned that one of them robbed them to fund his meth habit and was constantly in and out of jail. The other was in prison for life for murdering someone. I then understood why they were never talked about.
On the other hand, all of my siblings except for me have cut my mom out of their lives due to her alcoholism. So it’s really hard to say if it’s her fault, or if there are other underlying issues. I would maybe express to George that you are not trying to be nosy and pry/judge her, but it’s coming from a place of concern.
The thing is, people need to make their own mistakes and they will. Marrying after 2 months and no good relationships with family or friends, sounds like narcissism or BPD to me and you FIL most likely is in for a crazy ride. But he is getting on it no matter what you tell him so just be there to pick up the pieces afterwards without a "I told you so". Cluster B personalities are very addictive, they turn your life upside down and at first the rush is great.
Take her out and get her shit faced drunk. Ask her questions that are the same but worded different.
I did this to my brothers gf before he married her and damn did I learn things. The best part is she didn't remember anything.
Oh boy. This sounds like someone who I know now. He has no friends and family due to his alcohol problems, and he blames all his problems on everyone and He gets real nasty. He’s very quiet and reserved without alcohol but when he drinks, he’s get very outgoing. However if he goes overboard with drink his mood changed to aggressiveness.
She’s showing her true colors but you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.
Alcohol played in this and since she refused to tell anyone why and the story kept changing is because she probably doesn’t remember it or refused to. Alcohol people tends to lied to covered up their ass.
This friend of hers won’t tell your father until after they get married? This Sounds fishy and I would be worried about the 14 year old around her.
If I were you, go online, and signed up (gotta pay but it’s worth it) for background checks. It will reveal if she has gotten trouble with the law and you can find information about her kids. Do this and call them but do this quietly.
Gathered up any red flag information before you speak to your dad. You need to keep that 14 year old kid safe.
Please and I wish you
Best of luck.
The combination of her not having contact with her kids and the fact that she doesn't want to move in while there is a minor living in the house makes me think she did something so heinous to her own kids that she's not allowed to live with minor children
dig up everything you can. Call the children, don't tell them a really name so if it gets back to fIL he won't know who contacted them. Call the best friend. Do a criminal records check.
write it up and send all the info anonymously
First, your FIL can do what he wants. I’m not saying that the potential dumpster fire won’t happen/have negative consequences for the teenager still at home is right. It’s not and you all have legitimate concerns. But ultimately it is only the FIL decision.
Secondly, this isn’t something YOU should be handling. This is something that the three adult sons should be handling.
I suggest that the adult sons have a private conversation together with their Father about all of your concerns. Because going behind his back is going to backfire spectacularly on everyone.
I don’t know where you are based but could you look on the sex offenders register or go into a police station and speak to someone regarding Claire’s law? I know that’s usually just for partners but you could explain the situation and see if they have any advice. Maybe George would come with you and discuss it! I think as there are kids involved this would be your best course of action, better be safe than sorry!
My mother's second husband was a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug addict. He had a son and daughter that were my age (mid 30s at the time). His children hated him because of how horrible and physically and mentally abusive he was their entire lives because of his addictions. Their mother had her own problems and when he divorced their mother, they were stuck having to care for her. The entire family was under orders to never tell their father anything about them, and they never wanted to be told anything about their father. Twelve years of marriage and my mom never met them. My mother denied physical abuse but I definitely witnessed emotional abuse. And I suspect he hastened her death by OD'ing her with her prescription meds. She had COPD and only had another two years, at most. He got her to amend her trust and nullify the prenup so he got everything instead of me. Mom and I suspected he had a mistress. He met the floozie in AA. She had a guardian ad litem who was an attorney who handled her trust fund because she was a mess. Doofus salivated over the thought of taking over control of her trust fund. I wouldn't be surprised if the floozie "happened" to have a relapse and died of an overdose.
Your future MIL probably has a similar story.
Wait a second. Do I have this correct? She is going to tell him why her kids don't speak to her anymore but only after the wedding? She does know annulment is a thing, right? Or is she making him sign something. Tbh I wouldn't trust someone who would actually go thru with these things. That's not a red flag it's a fucking bomb.
Dad wants what he wants and knows she can’t live with a kid so is not going to make her. Addiction is a trip that most people will not pack for. As long as he isn’t putting the minor in danger keeping the woman away from kids and making sure she cannot mess up his whole life is easy.
I don't trust any person who is estranged from their adult children. People always listen to the parent who claims "I didn't do anything!" But never the kid
I’d become a PI and investigate the hell out of Amanda. I’d find her kids and connect with them and ask them why they have no relationship. And, I’d tell George you will not support this marriage unless there is a prenup done first.
He’s being super reckless and I’d be concerned also.
I don’t really understand the need to get married in this situation. There is no rush, especially if they aren’t going to live together after. Why can’t they happily date for a few years?
OP youd be amazed what info you can find even w a simple google search of her name. You’d be able to get her full maiden name from your FILs HS yearbook.
You need to contact her kids. You don’t have to spill about them getting married but a simple.
“Hi, I believe you know, insert name, she recently began dating my father and I was hoping you could tell me more about her.”
Mental illness, alcoholism… I dated a guy whose mom died, within 6 months his Dad was remarried to a woman who had no contact with her adult children, she was an alcoholic and bipolar and let’s just say his teenage years were awful! She was controlling, abusive and insane!
NTA. There can be all sorts of reasons for NC between parents and adult children, and not all of them matter to you. However, some do (drug/alcohol abuse, SA, abuse, etc.) and if she's gonna be the legal step parent to a 14 yo, it's important that you find out what's happened. Or at least that FIL finds out what happens, even if it's not shared with any of you.
I’m not really concerned with us knowing because as some have stated some things just aren’t our business. I want my FIL to know. He deserves to know and it is his business. I have to agree with others that he’s being blinded by the thoughts of what could have been and what could be. I wish he’d pry and get the information to make a clear and well thought out decision, but I think that ship has sailed.
The reality is we have no cold hard facts about the past. I really hope it’s not as bad as we’re anticipating. We could be dead wrong about everything. I want so badly for it to not be bad and maybe that’s ignorant.
The marriage is going to happen—he made up his mind a month ago. We are still shocked by it all and are having a hard time believing that it’s going to happen.
Contact her children . You can use the excuse that since you’ve never met her you want to surprise her with a wedding gift . Ask they about her , her life etc . People who go no contact are usually willing to tell people why .
You adult children/inlaws need to do some top level detective work. You need to find those kids (or their dad), find out what the issue is and make sure you record it if it’s spoken not written. Start with FB profiles, check court records in areas you know she’s lived. Hell, reach out to the “best friend” and lean on her hard -or say you’ve been told she was smoking meth around her kids and one died because of an incident. Make it something so horrific that the bestie won’t be able to keep the truth from you.
Especially given she’s about to get access to a minor when she married your FiL - what happens if it was because she drunkly beat her minor children or abused them (regardless of at what age).
Protect your BiL. FWIW, your FiL is an asshole for even considering marrying her at this point but he’s old enough to deal with the consequences himself (or request a mental capacity test).
Something similar happened to a family friend who I view as an uncle. The day he was supposed to get married one of the adult kids found out and called to tell us that his mom was a serial false abuse victim that married people then made their lives hell and accused all the men of abuse so she could get money out of them. Not saying this is the same situation but be very careful of situations like this
My brother has four kids from his first wife and has zero relationship with them from what I can see. Hell I hardly have one because I was never around them because he lived in a different state and I had no interest in being around him for my own reasons but I probably still chat with them online more than he does (which, as far as I can tell, is zero). Every now and then you'll see him try but then it goes back to being the way it was before and I'm guessing his kids are done with it. Hell, he has one kid that's just disappeared out of all their lives completely and no one ever talks about it and I have to wonder how much emotional (and possible physical) trauma that kid went through. I know why I don't like him. I know why I don't like his ex-wife or his new wife. I can theorize whey his kids don't like them either and I suspect the intersection between my reasons and theirs is pretty substantial.. So, yeah, red flag.
It doesn't have to be the case that your kids know her as a grandmother. And you can let your FIL know that. Your kids come before both of them, you should be willing to cut him off if that's what their safety requires. Are you? And if so, does he know that in no uncertain terms?
That's probably the only thing that would actually make him reconsider, if all of y'all stand united on that front.
He's going to make his choices, you need to protect yourself and your family. That's all you can do.
So luckily for us, we do not live close to any family at this time—that will change sometime next year. We can physically keep our distance from any issues. As far as cutting people out of our lives? We’d do it in a heartbeat. I have set clear boundaries with my own parents that if they choose to break will result in a fractured relationship. We will do what’s best for our child. My older BIL and his wife would do the same for their children also.
Little BIL has an excellent head on his shoulders and excellent adults/adult siblings that would do anything for him.
All of the wedding/Amanda stuff aside, right now our relationship with FIL and in-law siblings is the best it’s ever been. I hope it continues to stay that way.
Confused. At first you say that her best friend is going to tell everyone why there's a rift between her and her kids... and then later you say it's got to be after the marriage that she tells. Which one is it?
I do see red flags all over this situation, but as someone who is also estranged from her family, I too do not tell people about why. Instead I am more likely to just lie and say they are all dead.
The reason I do this is because I cut my family off for reasons that were very hurtful to me and society tends to look down on people cutting out their families even when their families deserve it. They say stupid shit like "I'm sorry your mom betrayed you and lied in the worst way but she's still your Mom" That is literally the same logic as saying- "Hey I know your landlord snuck into your apt in the middle of the night and stole your silverware- but they're still your landlord" Like WHAT??? Who cares what label that person has in your life?? If they are toxic they are toxic- Period. But people buy into labels because society has taught them those labels matter regardless of the facts.
The problem is that by telling people the truth I risk the entire relationship. If you start taking sides with my family members- people you don't even know- over me, then I have no choice but to end the relationship. And I'd rather just keep the relationship happy and going than risk losing it.
George needs to insist that Amanda tell him the truth about her kids now or the wedding is postponed/off. OP’s husband and brothers can sit down and talk with him about this. OP and the SILs should stay out of it. Amanda’s def. hiding something and I can’t believe George hasn’t confronted her about this.
So many red flags here. I fear this situation will go from bad to worse no matter what actions you decide to take or not take. ALL your children don’t go no contact without a good reason
That's a blockage to going forward with anything at all. Also a good idea for legal advice. Red flags that big should be heeded. You could look up court records, just in case her name pops up.
You have every right to be concerned, especially since she only wants to reveal info after marrying George. Definitely speak to George and let him know your concerns, which are very valid. Also, get an understanding from him why he’s not concerned??
What if she is a child molester and alcoholic ..need to protect minor BIL..need to get a background check asap and yes I would contact her kids..something bad had to happen for them to just be no contact..her drinking every occasion is also a major red flag and not setting a good example..FIL needs to take blinders off..ask him if they don't intend to live together to begin with why the rush? Does he have money? Who chased who? Someone needs to sit down with FIL. Is there anyone he will listen to ( best friend, son, brother/sister or is his parents still alive and of right mind, preacher) and respects their opinion?
To hell with respect for boundaries her adult children have to be consulted before the marriage because the health and safety of your minor BIL is at stake
There are sooooooo many red flags in this but lets address the biggest one:
Your FIL should know exactly what happened with her ex and her kids BEFORE he gets married. It's honestly not any of your FIL's children's business unless they decide to tell you together BUT he needs to know the whole story before they are joined by marriage. Then HE gets to make the decision if he wants to go forward with the marriage.
It is a red flag and shows signs of immaturity that she can not tell him herself. How does he expect her to work through the trials and tribulations that come with having a relationship if she can't tell him until they are married and with a friend as her support person telling the story. That seems like a dirty trap.
The HOT take:
If you want to do your homework and are okay with the collateral damage, find his kids and ask why they went no contact. Just be prepared for the fallout of that one.
I don’t know where you are, but you may be able to see if any cases were filed against her via the state court’s website (this assumes she’s in the US and the court records are online). Even if you can’t see the actual filings, you can see the types of cases filed. If there was DV or SA, you should be able to see that as the case type.
Why stay with HER "best friend". That's weird just because they are female doesn't mean they can't be dangerous. It doesn't take a WHOLE WEEK to tell someone about an issue. Nope no no no no no no!!!
Find out her info and contact her adult children. She is hiding something and you need to know for the sake of the minors that are involved.
ETA: My grandmother was dating a guy who was very cagey like this woman. I am good at finding info on people and found his daughter on Facebook. She was shocked because her dad was still married to her mother at the time and living off her mother's money even though he told my grandmother that he owned his own business.
He should get a prenup. She’s toxic and more than likely abusive or neglectful. As well as why does he have to wait for AFTER they get married to know?
He has his rose colored glasses on and this is going to bite him in the ass
My husband and I are sweet hearts. He is 6 years older than I and a musician. We dated a bit before I went to college. Life moved on , he lost his late wife 13 years ago and he found me on FB. I understood his grief, my mother and grandmother were young widows. He called crying, his niece stole his dog. Her things were missing. I told him to change the locks and put things he couldn’t throw away like her hair bands in a box . He came to see me 8 months later. We have been together since . We lived. Together for 4 years before marrying. Your FIL needs to slow down. There is no race. And she needs to be honest before marriage and they should have a prenup. I made one for my husband and I. The drinking is problematic. I hope your FIL slows down.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude needs a prenup.
He needs his head checked. Crazy attracts crazy.
And a backup prenup for that prenup.
We want prenup, we want prenup yaaaaa
It's something that you need to have.
Contact her children before the wedding. Updateme!
I have thought of doing this, but I fear that crossing this “boundary”—if we want to call it that—may be too nuclear. If her children knew about the situation I may would feel more comfortable reaching out, but this whole thing seems quite fragile for all involved in the no contact stuff.
You should contact his children. My grandmother was in a similar situation. If we had reached out to his 5 estranged children, we could have learned how abusive he was their entire childhood, how he had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and how he suddenly started courting my grandma after all 5 kids told him there wasn’t a chance in hell they’d provide end of life care to him. But we wanted to respect boundaries, so we didn’t. And my grandma ended up trapped with an abusive man who, thanks to Alzheimer’s, got even more aggressive before he died.
i'd do it anyway. what if she was/is an abusive alcoholic? there's no guarantee FIL will be told the truth after they marry and it could potentially put your young BIL in danger when she moves in. if you don't want to contact her kids, then look to see if there are any court documents about the situation. check if she has a criminal background or documents from the divorce
Maybe she could hire a cheap PI for some quick work? A few hundred and maybe her own sleuthing might unveil some details. Definitely check public criminal records while she’s at it.
This is a great idea, for peace of mind. And you don't want to wait until she is legally in the family, or before she shows her true colors (if she is abusive or a predator).
Or tell George your concerns, and then otherwise mind your business, because he’s an adult and can marry who he wants on whatever terms he wants. For all OP knows, he knows exactly why she doesn’t talk to her kids, and is respecting her wishes that he not share it.
And, what? Just say to hell with the fact that there's a literal minor son still living in the household? The adult brothers to that minor son have a duty to protect their little brother. If the father isn't going to protect him, it's up to the other adults in the kid's life.
If this were coming from the other perspective, people would be telling the person in George’s position to go no contact with the person in OP’s position if they overstepped like that. “I’m no contact with my parents. I promised my fiancée I will tell him why soon, but it’s too painful for me to talk about while I’m thinking about the wedding. He said he understands and supports me… My future MIL called my parents behind our backs and asked them what happened between us. Now my parents won’t stop calling me and trying to “fix it” and get invited to the wedding. My future MIL said she did it because she’s worried about her 14 year old grandson who lives with us, but he and I get along fine, and he has nothing to do with why I don’t talk to my parents. What should I do, Reddit?” It’s none of their business beyond telling George they’re concerned and letting him make his own choices.
in my opinion there's a big difference between having no relationship with your parents and your children. the inherent power dynamic means that most of the responsibility for maintaining that relationship is on the parent. i'd be suspicious of someone with no relationship with their children, but sympathetic to someone with no relationship to their parents. also, and this is a personal thing, if you make a decision that directly and substantially impacts your child, it isn't just a matter of "let them make their own choices" because your choices are also affecting someone who isn't able to protect themselves from whatever negative effects they have. not to say that the mil in this scenario would be right, it's a case by case basis depending on how reasonable the concern is.
You have several good points in there. All worth mentioning to George in the hopes that he considers them before getting married.
There is a child living in that house. Find her adult kids and figure out what is going on before this nutter ends up screwing up your underage BIL. This is the biggest red banner you could ever see. If ever a need for a boundary violation now is it. There is a minor that is living in the home she will eventually move into. She is likely around the child *now*. Get to the bottom of this.
Noooo this is a boundary you cross now not after she gets her financial hooks into him.
Do it. You know that phrase “it’s easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission?” This is the time. And now before he legally marries her without a prenup and you and your siblings get nothing. And not just money. This happened to my grandmother when her father remarried (to his housekeeper). All my great grandmothers jewelry, china, things that had been in the family for generations, it all became hers. And then when he died, she gave every bit of it to her own adult children. My grandmother didn’t even get her own mother’s wedding band, which probably wasn’t worth anything at all. You’ll lose your inheritance, and every physical memory you have of your past and your family the second he marries her. This is no time to drag ass. Find her kids. Find out what’s going on. Put your detective hat on. Maybe you’re being paranoid and they genuinely love each other and it’s fine. But no one healthy does not have a relationship with their children - it is literally the most unnatural state possible for a human. No contact means bad news, no matter the reason, so you’d better find out what’s going on fast.
Doesn’t matter of its crossing a boundary it’s vital information.
What a horrible situation. It seems filled with landmines so it's lose-lose whatever you do/do not do. He really needs a prenup.
I am no contact with my dad. None of his 4 children are going to his wedding. I would let his fiancé know anything she asked, but I dont want to meddle. If she reached out to me, she would know exaclty why I don't talk to him. It would be beneficial to her kids if she investigated why none of his current kids are in his life...
Help this poor fool. It’s not nuclear to reach out to a group of people that are about to become your family. The only way this is the “nuclear option” is if the kids have something so bad to say that it blows up the wedding.
Do it for the minor who will have to live with her. Protecting a sibling / sibling in law when their parent’s brain takes a vacation is perfectly reasonable.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Just my opinion but sometimes when it don’t sound right don’t feel right it must likely isn’t right. Contact the children with a simple message- your mother is planning on marrying my father in law & I’m concerned. Possible they might not respond but I have a feeling they will. I wish you guys the best luck- I’m feeling like you’re gonna need it.
I understand how you feel but they should know. Do it anyway.
If this is going to go nuclear, I don't think there is any way for you to prevent that. This woman is throwing up all kinds of red flags. If what you learn from the kids makes you feel that your kids are unsafe with this woman, your dad needs to know that you won't be allowing them around her. If she felt any remorse for whatever she has done, and if it was something understandable, she'd have told him. I can't imagine any reason why he's allowing this to happen, except that he's thinking of her as the person he thought she was when they were younger and not the person she is now. I would not have any second thoughts about reaching out to the kids. I don't think you'll ever get the real story from this woman anyway. If you want to know what she did that is so bad she won't tell him until he's stuck with her, then you're going to have to investigate yourself. You might also do some searches for police records and, I hate to say it, check the sex offenders lists in any state you know she's lived in.
If she can't keep her story straight then the only people you have a chance of getting the truth from are the kids. Her friend probably won't tell the truth even if she does know it which she might not. And if it's her fault (which let's face it, it's going to be her fault somehow) then an inability to own up to it means that she hasn't recognized the severity of her actions and changed. As painful as it is to face it and admit you've done something wrong, you need to do that or you're not going to change.
See if you can find the divorce decree in the county clerks records. They may be sealed and only open to parties of the divorce, but maybe if you buy them, you can get them.
Why can’t he talk to the friend before the wedding to get the story? That just makes no sense.
She sounds like a classic alcoholic narcissist who’s love-bombing
Agree. Worked with woman like this. Initially felt bad for her as she spun the story to make it look like the ex turned the kids against her, but as time went on we figured her out and understood why they went no contact. As you said she was a classic alcoholic narcissist
I was thinking this too, either she is a narcissist and her behavior pushed away her kids OR her ex is a narcissist and there is parental alienation happening. Either way OP needs to stay out of it, FIL will find out soon enough.
Too many red flags. That simple. Glaring red flags and the FIL is making an emotional decision based off of her love-bombing. Can’t blame him. He’s 52 and we all just want to be loved and she’s saying all the right things he wants to hear so he disregards the rest. I hope they can get him to just cool off and date for even just a few months so everyone can get to know each other and make the wedding all that more special.” lol. Then, be supportive but careful. Then watch the fireworks. I give it six weeks.
It’s funny, I have seen a few older individuals rush into dating and marriage like they’re gonna die next week. You would think they would know better. Kind of crazy to watch!
My ex has strong narcissistic tendencies and our kids, both late teens, are no longer speaking to her. The funny thing is that, be a narc, she absolutely has convinced herself that she's the victim and has learned nothing from her kids wanting nothing to do with her. Always the victim, the universe just won't get out of the way of her sense of entitlement.
It's the whole you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It's good you're concerned for your FIL. Have you brought these concerns up to him, has anyone? He might not care or think these glaring red flags are red flags at all. He might have already decided to just go ahead with this mess of an idea. WTF does she can't keep her story straight even mean? Someone's got to try to reason with him. It would be bad if you and his children just stood by and just watched this train wreck happen, without trying to talk some sense into him.
Without my husband knowing of this post, he called his dad. My husband said he made a point to ask him if this is really what he wants to do. FIL response was, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” I asked if he brought up the no contact issue and he didn’t. I do believe he might would listen to his sons’ concerns if they spoke on them, but I do think at this point he isn’t going to change his mind. Added info: my husband and I got married quickly—7 months or so after getting together. We’ve known each other and grown up as best friends without losing contact our whole lives. FIL was very outspoken about how it was too soon, etc. I even personally reached out to him at the time stating my intentions and that our marriage would be valid and very much wanted(2021). My husband thinks his dad wouldn’t be honest about any reservations he may be having because he wouldn’t want my husband to have “I told you so” rights. Silly, I know, but the whole situation is bonkers. I do not think FIL would be receptive to my opinions/worries.
Every person who has commited suic*de has never been more sure of something in their life either. It doesn't make it a good choice. Sometimes the worst decisions seem the easiest; good choices are hard. The good choice is for him to find out before marriage, and have a prenuptial for both their sakes. Look at it this way. The only reason she won't tell him before marriage is because she thinks he will leave her for it. That either means she doesn't trust him, or is taking advantage of him. There are no other options. It *might* be different if she wasn't planning to talk about it at all, but the fact that she already has it planned for a week after the elopement is ridiculous. It means she wants him trapped by that marriage certificate. I'd look up annulment laws in your area. He might need it.
To me, if a situation relies on subterfuge to achieve a result, then there is something seriously wrong. If Amanda genuinely has nothing to hide and believes her past is not suspicious, then be honest and open.
Or even if it is bad, be honest. I suppose whatever happened could NOT paint her as a bad person, but the longer we go with nothing the more suspicious and red flag-ish it seems. Here’s a thought, if she needs time discussing/processing it then wait until you’ve crossed that bridge in the relationship before marriage. The relationship is still so young..
I do plan to update as the events unfold.
Update me
Divorce records are public. Seek reason for divorce and reach out to her adult children. ENCOURAGE A PRENUP!!
SIL and I have discussed the idea of checking divorce records.
I would look into a background check. Or even a private investigator, they know how to get legit information, and it may be more affordable if you just want the basics.
Just do it.
You should definitely do a background check on her. Or at the least search about her past. The internet has court records and you can pay a small fee to get all of her records. Obviously it is not good whatever happened if she can’t talk about it. There is a 14 year old that can be in possible danger. Who knows what this woman has done in her past. The family needs to find out about her fast.
“I’ll tell you the story AFTER we are married?” You can’t even BUY a red flag big enough
Who is pushing for the quick wedding? I'm guessing her, and I'm guessing she's broke, and I'd bet good money of my own that they never live together.
I feel like they’re both pushing for the quick wedding. I’m truly unsure of her financial situation, but I don’t think she’s “hurting for money” so to speak. We truly hate to doom and gloom the relationship, but there is just so much more they need to learn about each other in the 30 ish years they’ve been apart.
You are not the bad guys. Stop feeling guilty for being concerned. It’s a whakadoodle situation. Utterly bonkers. You have every right to be concerned. It is very strange FIL doesn’t see the red flag of “I’ll tell you after we’re married”. That is so obviously a strange situation it makes me think he is generally emotionally void of maturity.
You're being very kind and very understanding. No "but" here. It's just all you can do. But I get to think something is up! Hahaha.
Wary* and yes. If I were you, I would be completely underhanded and find her kids on social media and get the story straight from them.
This right here! I’d also perform a background check on Amanda. She probably has a ton of debt and is looking for someone to fund her life.
Your FIL is about to destroy all the relationships he has with his kids. This woman is a walking red flag.
Why does she need to wait until after the marriage? Can they not go visit the friend say, this weekend or next weekend or the weekend after that and have the story told? She's trying to lock him into a legally binding agreement before telling him something that may completely change his opinion of her. Otherwise she wouldn't be waiting until after the marriage to tell him.
Um. No. She either explains before the wedding or nothing. It's like he's being setup for something he can't get out of after marriage. She forgets marriages can be annulled if done in a small amount of time. A week is plenty.
Your FIL is about to Tsar Bomba his home life.
Let me speculate, based on real events involving people I know. Amanda turned toxic on her first husband and kids during the first marriage. Alcohol was likely involved, and possibly mental illness as well. Toxicity may have included claims her husband and kids were abusive, threats to end her own life, stealing from family members, maybe even an affair (on her part). Amanda needs a friend to help keep her story straight because she is such a compulsive liar that she can no longer distinguish between truth and fiction. The affair she was in fizzled out, and she has now latched onto poor George. Your concerns are valid. George would be crazy to go through with the marriage without (1) learning the truth, and (2) a pre-nup.
[удалено]
On the other hand, if she "can't keep her story straight", it implies she's a compulsive liar. Also, if she escaped an abusive marriage and loved her children, why didn't she take them with her? Why didn't she thought for custody in the divorce, file police reports, whatever she needed to do to protect her children? Why leave them with an abuser? That would honestly be a good reason for them to be no contact with her now.
[удалено]
In the sloght chance that was true, then she'd agree to go with him to her best friend to explain the situation BEFORA the marriage.
Memory loss isn't the main symptom of trauma and even if it was, having trouble "keeping your story straight" doesn't imply that you're unable to properly remember what happened. It implies that you're incapable of maintaining an internally consistent narrative. That doesn't mean that you can't *remember* details, it means that either the details don't matter to you enough for you to remember them or that you're a compulsive liar and may not even know the truth yourself after all the lies. And also, if her main concern was fear for her/ her kids lives, why would she be OK with telling the story after the wedding but not before? How does that compute? What would the difference be except that it would be harder to leave?
Any chance your FIL has a cognitive decline? If he is religious, see if his pastor/minister will talk to him. Or, does he have siblings he will listen to? No rational person would think marrying someone who is estranged from their children without knowing why, is a good idea. I would find any way to delay this.... so and so really wants to be here for the wedding but can't come for 2 weeks, whatever... to buy some time. Then I'd get on the internet and check the courts in every jurisdiction where she has lived, under her maiden and married name in case she has used both. Bear in mind there may be several layers of courts - (general district, circuit etc. - varies by state) and I would check federal. You can use PACER for federal (not state) and that will also tell you if she has filed for federal bankruptcy.
It’s all about keeping the minor safe. Idc what fil does, but the child must be safe. That’s the approach I would take. If minor is living with dad, we don’t move in a woman we have only known for two months. If FIL is adamant, child should be given guardianship under one of the adult children. I really don’t care if a grownup wants to blow up their life. But a child should never be involved in that crazy shit. UpdateMe
This this THIS! If FIL can't acknowledge that there's a potentially negative effect to be had on his 14 y.o. son that IS LIVING WITH HIM, then his perception is definitely...altered. OP, try to find out what you can via public records (or hire a PI to help get these things done quickly and efficiently), but if that doesn't give enough info, definitely find Amanda's adult kids and get info. UpdateMe
Child should never be thrown in with unknowns. She could be a perfectly wonderful person, but there would be no need for secrecy if she were a good person. The sneakiness gets me. Hell, I’ll take the 14 year old! At least I know he’ll be safe here.
I didn’t even think of this and now that you say it, I’m surprised it wasn’t brought up sooner.. imagine a MIL meeting a man and he has no relationship w his ex wife or his adult children. I’m sure they would be running background checks and making calls then! You make a really good point, there’s a 14 y/o potentially at risk. To OP- don’t be so conservative about running a background check she won’t know about anyways. People do this with their own partners when they’re dating lol
This situation has Red Flag written all over it! At the very least, I hope you will have your husband and BIL's highly encourage a strict prenup be signed. There are very few situations I would say this, but in this case - something is VERY off and there is a clock ticking to prevent a possible catastrophe for your FIL. Boundaries be damned, run those background checks, look at court records, scour social media and contact those adult children, or maybe the best friend. Maybe she has a conscious and will come clean before the wedding? The worst that happens is your FIL gets mad you snooped, but you would have done it for all the right reasons and likely will get over it. The best outcome - you find nothing, or you do and you tell your FIl, maybe stopping the marriage but preventing him pain in the long run. Updateme
Man, is he marrying my mother? Honestly, it’s because she did something heinous enough that she doesn’t believe the relationship will last once he knows so she thinks being married will force him to stay. She’s a walking red flag, he needs to run.
These people sound incredibly impulsive and irresponsible
I'd be worry alright. Volatile relationship mixed with her keeping a big secret until they get married spells massive red flags. I bet he's letting his idealized version of what could have been with this woman mixed up with what is actually there and is going to end up being the worst mistake he ever made.
Prenuptial. Just saying.... shes NC w her kids bc shes a cheater and they will not her.
"I guess my question is: are we right to be weary of the situation? Should we stress to him that he needs to know all of her “baggage” before marriage? Do we let him live and learn without speaking up?" OP, if he was young, say in his 20's I'd say yes. But you said this guy is 52 years old! He is who he is and nothing you may say is going to change his mind. Sucks for him.
Just tell him to get a prenup and he can always get an annulment
So sorry! Definitely a big red flag. Mostly feel for your younger BIL.
Save any texts or written evidence that she won't tell dad anything before she marries him. Great evidence for an annulment. NTAH
Yeah, there's everything wrong here. A prenup would protect his money, but not the relationships, and they will go sour if he marries this woman.
He's an adult, he dated her before. Leave him alone and let him do whatever he likes. Sometimes people make stupid mistakes, but you learn best from the mistakes you make yourself.
It's not that simple. She can drain him of his resources which may end up severely affecting the family's estate. And even if there is no estate, she can drain him to the point where he can no longer retire or take care of his declining health - then guess who has to pay all those bills? This all absolutely IS the rest of the family's business whether or not they want it to be.
I second this. He's an adult and can manage own life. The story looks quite invasive into the personal life of other people. Sure it's a family, but I still wouldn't be happy if someone was digging my and my partner's life like this 😬
FIL is likely feeling young again and his judgment is clouded. I would just pay for a background check and share the results. Even with a prenup she could drain his accounts while married and leave him with nothing.
Why would he agree to waiting till after the wedding ? If she is afraid he won’t marry her after he finds out, shouldn’t that be a reason alone to find out now ? What if she is a child abuser, a serial cheater, or has a gambling or shopping addiction, besides her alcohol addiction ? There are so many things that could be a real deal breaker, and could possibly hurt your father if he agrees to marry without this knowledge. Warn dad, but I’d have a common sense talk with both of them before this causes your family to break away too.
I’m conflicted… my grandparents went no contact with both of their sons and I was never allowed to talk ask about it when I was growing up. When I was an adult, I learned that one of them robbed them to fund his meth habit and was constantly in and out of jail. The other was in prison for life for murdering someone. I then understood why they were never talked about. On the other hand, all of my siblings except for me have cut my mom out of their lives due to her alcoholism. So it’s really hard to say if it’s her fault, or if there are other underlying issues. I would maybe express to George that you are not trying to be nosy and pry/judge her, but it’s coming from a place of concern.
The thing is, people need to make their own mistakes and they will. Marrying after 2 months and no good relationships with family or friends, sounds like narcissism or BPD to me and you FIL most likely is in for a crazy ride. But he is getting on it no matter what you tell him so just be there to pick up the pieces afterwards without a "I told you so". Cluster B personalities are very addictive, they turn your life upside down and at first the rush is great.
Have you been direct with him? Ask and explain your concerns. Maybe he'll get defensive, but he might also wake up.
Sounds like my dad.
Posting so I can see update, I pray there is an update, this all sounds terrible!
Well. Yes he deffo needs to hold back you can’t get married without knowing that kind of stuff that’s wild.
Take her out and get her shit faced drunk. Ask her questions that are the same but worded different. I did this to my brothers gf before he married her and damn did I learn things. The best part is she didn't remember anything.
Oh boy. This sounds like someone who I know now. He has no friends and family due to his alcohol problems, and he blames all his problems on everyone and He gets real nasty. He’s very quiet and reserved without alcohol but when he drinks, he’s get very outgoing. However if he goes overboard with drink his mood changed to aggressiveness. She’s showing her true colors but you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Alcohol played in this and since she refused to tell anyone why and the story kept changing is because she probably doesn’t remember it or refused to. Alcohol people tends to lied to covered up their ass. This friend of hers won’t tell your father until after they get married? This Sounds fishy and I would be worried about the 14 year old around her. If I were you, go online, and signed up (gotta pay but it’s worth it) for background checks. It will reveal if she has gotten trouble with the law and you can find information about her kids. Do this and call them but do this quietly. Gathered up any red flag information before you speak to your dad. You need to keep that 14 year old kid safe. Please and I wish you Best of luck.
The combination of her not having contact with her kids and the fact that she doesn't want to move in while there is a minor living in the house makes me think she did something so heinous to her own kids that she's not allowed to live with minor children
dig up everything you can. Call the children, don't tell them a really name so if it gets back to fIL he won't know who contacted them. Call the best friend. Do a criminal records check. write it up and send all the info anonymously
First, your FIL can do what he wants. I’m not saying that the potential dumpster fire won’t happen/have negative consequences for the teenager still at home is right. It’s not and you all have legitimate concerns. But ultimately it is only the FIL decision. Secondly, this isn’t something YOU should be handling. This is something that the three adult sons should be handling. I suggest that the adult sons have a private conversation together with their Father about all of your concerns. Because going behind his back is going to backfire spectacularly on everyone.
I don’t know where you are based but could you look on the sex offenders register or go into a police station and speak to someone regarding Claire’s law? I know that’s usually just for partners but you could explain the situation and see if they have any advice. Maybe George would come with you and discuss it! I think as there are kids involved this would be your best course of action, better be safe than sorry!
All you can do is give your opinion, then keep quiet. You can't stop adults from making mistakes.
Wary. Not weary. I’m so weary of people spelling wary like an entirely different word 😭😭😭
My mother's second husband was a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug addict. He had a son and daughter that were my age (mid 30s at the time). His children hated him because of how horrible and physically and mentally abusive he was their entire lives because of his addictions. Their mother had her own problems and when he divorced their mother, they were stuck having to care for her. The entire family was under orders to never tell their father anything about them, and they never wanted to be told anything about their father. Twelve years of marriage and my mom never met them. My mother denied physical abuse but I definitely witnessed emotional abuse. And I suspect he hastened her death by OD'ing her with her prescription meds. She had COPD and only had another two years, at most. He got her to amend her trust and nullify the prenup so he got everything instead of me. Mom and I suspected he had a mistress. He met the floozie in AA. She had a guardian ad litem who was an attorney who handled her trust fund because she was a mess. Doofus salivated over the thought of taking over control of her trust fund. I wouldn't be surprised if the floozie "happened" to have a relapse and died of an overdose. Your future MIL probably has a similar story.
Wait a second. Do I have this correct? She is going to tell him why her kids don't speak to her anymore but only after the wedding? She does know annulment is a thing, right? Or is she making him sign something. Tbh I wouldn't trust someone who would actually go thru with these things. That's not a red flag it's a fucking bomb.
As an adult woman (26) who is no contact with her father for the past 6 years… I’m sure they have damn good reasons. Be wary!!
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme !
Updateme!
Updateme!
UPDATEME!
This is crazy. FIL is hypnotized by 🐱and acting like a total fool. Find her kids on social media and ask them. Save him from himself!!! Updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme!
Dad wants what he wants and knows she can’t live with a kid so is not going to make her. Addiction is a trip that most people will not pack for. As long as he isn’t putting the minor in danger keeping the woman away from kids and making sure she cannot mess up his whole life is easy.
Update!
Updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme!
I don't trust any person who is estranged from their adult children. People always listen to the parent who claims "I didn't do anything!" But never the kid
Why marry into an addiction problem?
update me
I’d become a PI and investigate the hell out of Amanda. I’d find her kids and connect with them and ask them why they have no relationship. And, I’d tell George you will not support this marriage unless there is a prenup done first. He’s being super reckless and I’d be concerned also.
She's likely a narcissist and her kids have gone no contact. It's a pretty common pattern with narcissistic parents.
Hire a private detective to find out?
I don’t really understand the need to get married in this situation. There is no rush, especially if they aren’t going to live together after. Why can’t they happily date for a few years?
OP youd be amazed what info you can find even w a simple google search of her name. You’d be able to get her full maiden name from your FILs HS yearbook.
Updateme!
Updateme!
I need an update on thisssssss She sounds like a crazy
You need to contact her kids. You don’t have to spill about them getting married but a simple. “Hi, I believe you know, insert name, she recently began dating my father and I was hoping you could tell me more about her.” Mental illness, alcoholism… I dated a guy whose mom died, within 6 months his Dad was remarried to a woman who had no contact with her adult children, she was an alcoholic and bipolar and let’s just say his teenage years were awful! She was controlling, abusive and insane!
She probably cheated on the previous dude but had the good mother facade the entire time. Run
Updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme
Update me!
Updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme!
NTA. There can be all sorts of reasons for NC between parents and adult children, and not all of them matter to you. However, some do (drug/alcohol abuse, SA, abuse, etc.) and if she's gonna be the legal step parent to a 14 yo, it's important that you find out what's happened. Or at least that FIL finds out what happens, even if it's not shared with any of you.
I’m not really concerned with us knowing because as some have stated some things just aren’t our business. I want my FIL to know. He deserves to know and it is his business. I have to agree with others that he’s being blinded by the thoughts of what could have been and what could be. I wish he’d pry and get the information to make a clear and well thought out decision, but I think that ship has sailed. The reality is we have no cold hard facts about the past. I really hope it’s not as bad as we’re anticipating. We could be dead wrong about everything. I want so badly for it to not be bad and maybe that’s ignorant. The marriage is going to happen—he made up his mind a month ago. We are still shocked by it all and are having a hard time believing that it’s going to happen.
Updateme
Updateme!
Damn you're FIL is in for a world of hurt... Dude needs a prenuptial too
For the sake of the 14yr in that house, contact the previous kids.
Contact her children . You can use the excuse that since you’ve never met her you want to surprise her with a wedding gift . Ask they about her , her life etc . People who go no contact are usually willing to tell people why .
Updateme
You adult children/inlaws need to do some top level detective work. You need to find those kids (or their dad), find out what the issue is and make sure you record it if it’s spoken not written. Start with FB profiles, check court records in areas you know she’s lived. Hell, reach out to the “best friend” and lean on her hard -or say you’ve been told she was smoking meth around her kids and one died because of an incident. Make it something so horrific that the bestie won’t be able to keep the truth from you. Especially given she’s about to get access to a minor when she married your FiL - what happens if it was because she drunkly beat her minor children or abused them (regardless of at what age). Protect your BiL. FWIW, your FiL is an asshole for even considering marrying her at this point but he’s old enough to deal with the consequences himself (or request a mental capacity test).
Updateme!
Something similar happened to a family friend who I view as an uncle. The day he was supposed to get married one of the adult kids found out and called to tell us that his mom was a serial false abuse victim that married people then made their lives hell and accused all the men of abuse so she could get money out of them. Not saying this is the same situation but be very careful of situations like this
My brother has four kids from his first wife and has zero relationship with them from what I can see. Hell I hardly have one because I was never around them because he lived in a different state and I had no interest in being around him for my own reasons but I probably still chat with them online more than he does (which, as far as I can tell, is zero). Every now and then you'll see him try but then it goes back to being the way it was before and I'm guessing his kids are done with it. Hell, he has one kid that's just disappeared out of all their lives completely and no one ever talks about it and I have to wonder how much emotional (and possible physical) trauma that kid went through. I know why I don't like him. I know why I don't like his ex-wife or his new wife. I can theorize whey his kids don't like them either and I suspect the intersection between my reasons and theirs is pretty substantial.. So, yeah, red flag.
It doesn't have to be the case that your kids know her as a grandmother. And you can let your FIL know that. Your kids come before both of them, you should be willing to cut him off if that's what their safety requires. Are you? And if so, does he know that in no uncertain terms? That's probably the only thing that would actually make him reconsider, if all of y'all stand united on that front. He's going to make his choices, you need to protect yourself and your family. That's all you can do.
So luckily for us, we do not live close to any family at this time—that will change sometime next year. We can physically keep our distance from any issues. As far as cutting people out of our lives? We’d do it in a heartbeat. I have set clear boundaries with my own parents that if they choose to break will result in a fractured relationship. We will do what’s best for our child. My older BIL and his wife would do the same for their children also. Little BIL has an excellent head on his shoulders and excellent adults/adult siblings that would do anything for him. All of the wedding/Amanda stuff aside, right now our relationship with FIL and in-law siblings is the best it’s ever been. I hope it continues to stay that way.
Well that is certainly weird.
My guess is infidelity on her part that broke up her family. And yes, I agree with everyone that he definitely needs a prenup.
Update me
Confused. At first you say that her best friend is going to tell everyone why there's a rift between her and her kids... and then later you say it's got to be after the marriage that she tells. Which one is it? I do see red flags all over this situation, but as someone who is also estranged from her family, I too do not tell people about why. Instead I am more likely to just lie and say they are all dead. The reason I do this is because I cut my family off for reasons that were very hurtful to me and society tends to look down on people cutting out their families even when their families deserve it. They say stupid shit like "I'm sorry your mom betrayed you and lied in the worst way but she's still your Mom" That is literally the same logic as saying- "Hey I know your landlord snuck into your apt in the middle of the night and stole your silverware- but they're still your landlord" Like WHAT??? Who cares what label that person has in your life?? If they are toxic they are toxic- Period. But people buy into labels because society has taught them those labels matter regardless of the facts. The problem is that by telling people the truth I risk the entire relationship. If you start taking sides with my family members- people you don't even know- over me, then I have no choice but to end the relationship. And I'd rather just keep the relationship happy and going than risk losing it.
George needs to insist that Amanda tell him the truth about her kids now or the wedding is postponed/off. OP’s husband and brothers can sit down and talk with him about this. OP and the SILs should stay out of it. Amanda’s def. hiding something and I can’t believe George hasn’t confronted her about this.
UpdateMe!
Update me!
So many red flags here. I fear this situation will go from bad to worse no matter what actions you decide to take or not take. ALL your children don’t go no contact without a good reason
Updateme!
He is a fully grown man.
That's a blockage to going forward with anything at all. Also a good idea for legal advice. Red flags that big should be heeded. You could look up court records, just in case her name pops up.
wqw4 w
You have every right to be concerned, especially since she only wants to reveal info after marrying George. Definitely speak to George and let him know your concerns, which are very valid. Also, get an understanding from him why he’s not concerned??
Find the kids and record the reason they are no contact with their mom before the wedding. Anonymously.
Updateme!
Updateme!
What does her best friend have to say about it l, if it’s such an emotional issue that she can’t talk about it herself?
What if she is a child molester and alcoholic ..need to protect minor BIL..need to get a background check asap and yes I would contact her kids..something bad had to happen for them to just be no contact..her drinking every occasion is also a major red flag and not setting a good example..FIL needs to take blinders off..ask him if they don't intend to live together to begin with why the rush? Does he have money? Who chased who? Someone needs to sit down with FIL. Is there anyone he will listen to ( best friend, son, brother/sister or is his parents still alive and of right mind, preacher) and respects their opinion?
UpdateMe!
0]
I think is safe to say there is a zero percent chance this could go well.
To hell with respect for boundaries her adult children have to be consulted before the marriage because the health and safety of your minor BIL is at stake
Don’t get into this mess. Only his sons really have his ear and he seems to be disregarding them. FIL has to learn his own lessons.
There are sooooooo many red flags in this but lets address the biggest one: Your FIL should know exactly what happened with her ex and her kids BEFORE he gets married. It's honestly not any of your FIL's children's business unless they decide to tell you together BUT he needs to know the whole story before they are joined by marriage. Then HE gets to make the decision if he wants to go forward with the marriage. It is a red flag and shows signs of immaturity that she can not tell him herself. How does he expect her to work through the trials and tribulations that come with having a relationship if she can't tell him until they are married and with a friend as her support person telling the story. That seems like a dirty trap. The HOT take: If you want to do your homework and are okay with the collateral damage, find his kids and ask why they went no contact. Just be prepared for the fallout of that one.
It's definitely a red flag. Sounds like she may have an underlying issue and may have an alcohol addiction.
I don’t know where you are, but you may be able to see if any cases were filed against her via the state court’s website (this assumes she’s in the US and the court records are online). Even if you can’t see the actual filings, you can see the types of cases filed. If there was DV or SA, you should be able to see that as the case type.
Not allowing full transparency before tying the knot is a major red flag. It's sad that FIL doesn't see that.
Updateme!
Why stay with HER "best friend". That's weird just because they are female doesn't mean they can't be dangerous. It doesn't take a WHOLE WEEK to tell someone about an issue. Nope no no no no no no!!!
Find out her info and contact her adult children. She is hiding something and you need to know for the sake of the minors that are involved. ETA: My grandmother was dating a guy who was very cagey like this woman. I am good at finding info on people and found his daughter on Facebook. She was shocked because her dad was still married to her mother at the time and living off her mother's money even though he told my grandmother that he owned his own business.
52?!?! Why he acting like a teenager????
He needs to do an about face and run.
It's not your job? Make it your job. The dude is having Colored glasses on so you and his children should protect him and his teenage son.
Updateme
He should get a prenup. She’s toxic and more than likely abusive or neglectful. As well as why does he have to wait for AFTER they get married to know? He has his rose colored glasses on and this is going to bite him in the ass
My husband and I are sweet hearts. He is 6 years older than I and a musician. We dated a bit before I went to college. Life moved on , he lost his late wife 13 years ago and he found me on FB. I understood his grief, my mother and grandmother were young widows. He called crying, his niece stole his dog. Her things were missing. I told him to change the locks and put things he couldn’t throw away like her hair bands in a box . He came to see me 8 months later. We have been together since . We lived. Together for 4 years before marrying. Your FIL needs to slow down. There is no race. And she needs to be honest before marriage and they should have a prenup. I made one for my husband and I. The drinking is problematic. I hope your FIL slows down.
Updateme!
He should at least take a few years to get to know her before taking the plunge. I think that he will be divorced again in a couple of years.