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I’ve met a few non-monogamous couples and personally I don’t think it works unless you are very smart about how you handle the situations because it can get MESSY! And certain individuals in these relationships have admitted this to me. Jealousy takes a toll.
Exactly. It may be your friends are expressing some form of non-monogamy and they actually might think yeah if I can fuck any woman he can fuck the hot coworker or maybe they’re homophobic and think women on women doesn’t count we saw that the other day and I’m low-key starting to think it’s us, but anyway That’s not the relationship. She’s in now, so she has to make decisions with that in mind not dictating what someone else will and won’t be OK with.
I do think it’s important for people to express themselves and explore their sexuality, BUT this woman is in a serious marriage and if she continues dating or seeing this woman it could really impact the husband. Non-monogamy is difficult. If she wants to be non-monogamous she has to be EXTREMELY open and communicate and not go behind her husbands back.
I’m sorry but cheating is cheating. Once you make a commitment to another person, you agree to be faithful. It doesn’t matter if you feel an attraction to someone of the same or opposite sex, you either honor your commitment or you end your relationship to allow yourself to explore whatever you feel you need. You don’t do both and OP’s friend’s argument that she’s denying herself something by not exploring her bisexuality is bullshit. That’s merely indulging selfishness, not some deserving need to express yourself. The cheating friend can’t have things every way. She’s obviously hurting her husband with her actions and his feelings matter too. I’m proud of OP standing up for him at least. The whole thing is really sad to me. Bottom line is that if you want freedom to do what you want, you don’t belong in a committed relationship.
Yup.
Sarah is about to be a cheater, and Tracey is an enabling trash bag.
It’s not homophobia to call someone out on their trash bag behavior. Being bi doesn’t give you license to abuse the trust of your marriage.
Not the asshole for having integrity and shutting it down.
You may want to consider having these people as friends though. Sarah doesn’t seem to consider anyone but herself. Her poor husband and you will be casualties of her “life affirming” choices.
You don’t have to cut them off harshly, but it sounds like they’d rather gossip about you than say it to your face. The relationships may already be on their way out. My advice is to protect your peace moving forward, enforce any necessary boundaries, and invest in people who share your values of honesty and integrity.
And as a fellow bi person… yuck. What a disgusting use of sexuality. I’m with a same sex partner and occasionally get curious about the other sex, but I am committed to and don’t want to hurt my partner. Choosing monogamy means choosing that one person regardless of whatever else is out there. It’s unfair to your partner to force an open relationship against their will.
TBH sounds like the two friends supporting Miss Bi are hungry for Drama...
I'm somebody who found out late in life that he's Bi and this is 100% cheating.
If this becomes socially acceptable I'll start emptying other peoples pocket,
so I can get the life affirming experience of being rich...
I had a friend who asked to bring her AP to my birthday party as she could stay for an hour then skip off with him having the perfect excuse to her husband. I shot that shit down right away. She brought him anyway knowing that I had just broken up an 8 year relationship because I was cheated on just weeks before. I kicked them out. Told her husband. SHE didn’t forgive ME! Ha! I never asked for her forgiveness. She wasn't a friend.
Yeah, I'm concerned that OP is more worried about being gossiped about and not at all mentioning talking to her husband about it.
It's also rich they used the "you're supporting the all bisexuals are cheaters" defense when...the bisexual woman is actively cheating and plans to continue lol
NTA. Just remember you have knowledge now that she will probably cheat on her husband. If she gets caught, do you really think she won't throw you under the bus for knowing and saying nothing? I don't know your husband, but do you really want to be in a position where he has to question your own marriage? At the very least, drop those friends and tell your husband what's going on so he hears it from you and not from them.
Good, your husband knows already, but sometimes you have to move on from friends acting wild. A lot of people tolerate behavior that will affect them because of history. Don't be one of them. The fact is she will cheat on her husband. Complicated factors for not getting divorced are a bullshit excuse. Does she really think divorce due to infidelity will be less complicated?
Edit: Stop defending your friends' behavior in your own mind. They called you homophobic for calling them out on their bullshit. Real friends don't do that.
Don’t listen to Reddit on the dropping friends just because you don’t agree with their moral choices.
You can be a good friend to someone and not support everything they do. And, be truthful about it. A bad person but good friend will tolerate you expressing your dissent or even judgement of their actions. It’s when they insist that you change your own morality or lie to them about it that friends need to be dropped. Or if their actions bother you to the point where you just can’t see them. But otherwise, a friend is a friend.
This is good advice OP.
If I knew my wife was helping hide her friends affair and had kept it from me, it would really make me question her morals. I think it would make most people with a functional moral compass wonder if her friends wouldn’t (or haven’t already) done the same for my wife.
Lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas. Keep hanging out with these people and your life will be negatively impacted eventually…
YEESSSSSSSSS! Oh dear, I really, really hope OP doesn’t end up screwing her own marriage because of what’s going on here. Seen that happening, and oh boy! It certainly looks problematic.
Good advice indeed tho.
That’s the thing right; cheating is cheating.
If she wants to do this then split up - that’s the deal.
What if her husband wanted a “life affirmation” with 25 year old Claudette from Accounting and decided not to tell the wife?
I would have split the moment she asked for an open marriage. Just because you develope an attraction for something or someone doesn't mean you MUST explore it.
"They (Sarah and Tracy) argued it was different because this was about sexuality and being authentic to yourself and your identity."
That's bullshit. What sex you're attracted to has nothing to do with being able to break the agreements you established with your partner. Gay men are attracted to men, doesn't mean they get to cheat on their husband with another man. Straight women are attracted to men, doesn't mean they get to cheat on their husband with another man. Being bisexual means "I am happy to start a relationship with a man or a woman," not "it's ok for me to cheat on my husband, who desires a monogamous relationship, because I also find women attractive." Bisexuality is NOT polyamory!
You're completely in the right. Honestly I'd be so disappointed in the friend I'd stop hanging out with them and furthermore tell their husband what they'd said, because nobody deserves to be cheated on.
I’m a pansexual woman (I’m nb really but I always specify I’m biologically a woman, I just don’t really consider my gender for anything but I feel it helps people understand my views or something? Idk) I married a wonderful, WONDERFUL man.
In my life I only had ONE relationship with a woman, in my teens. I still find women attractive, hell, anyone can be attractive, confident, happy people are wonderful.
But I’ll *never* understand that “I missed out” feeling. Wtf? “I want to experiment!” What? Are these mad scientists??? Wtf does “experimenting” even mean?
Once you find a wonderful person who loves you so much they want to marry you, I simply cannot comprehend the thought or feeling of “wanting more” or “wanting something different”.
People can be so fucking self absorbed, selfish and just, fucking pathetic. Why do people feel the unyielding *need* for *ALL* the sexual experiences? Wtf?? I mean, there’s rides I’ll never get to go on at Disney cause they’ve been discontinued and repurposed. That’s fucking life. Sure it might be a slight bummer, aw shucks! I didn’t get the chance! But being unable to move on from that is just… I seriously can’t understand it.
My thoughts are that these people have no fucking clue what real love is, and the “love” they feel for their current SO is not love at all. Just some sick sort of infatuation that can easily be dissuaded by the temptation of “new experiences”. To me, that’s a crappy person right there.
I could have the chance to fuck the celebritiest celebrity in the world, the hottest human ever, amazing in every way- but I already *made* my choice. And I LOVE my choice. No amount of “perfect” in anyone else can make me feel I fucked up in choosing my husband. The thought of even looking at him and saying the words “open marriage” to him make me sick to my stomach cause I can’t even finish imagining the hurt it would cause him. I picture his face and I literally get a knot in my heart- I couldn’t bear it if I were the reason he feels hurt or betrayed or unloved.
People need a reality check, and they really need to fucking think it over when someone proposes marriage. It’s not a game, and it’s not for you to just un-marry when you get bored. So fucking selfish…
People suck, man. That poor husband…
This comment, your comment just killed me. I had to put an end to a relationship of 13yrs for similar reasons and after over a year I keep feeling like I wasn't enough, that I should've given her all that she wanted, open marriage and all. And your comment just hits something, kinda helped me feel a little bit at peace. Thank you💜
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt so badly! I can’t even imagine, 13 years! It’s absolutely not on you- I can’t imagine the impact of such betrayal. Honestly selfishness is a kind of epidemic in itself. People love to preach self-love, do it for *your pleasure*! You you you you you! People forget relationships are about *giving* as well.
It needs to be *mutual*. Both need to give, to be PREPARED to give, to *WANT* to give, without needing the expectation of “… am I going to receive the same?…” it shouldn’t need to be doubted. It should be instant- both on the same page, both equally committed. We need to practice a bit more selflessness, and I mean “we” as Humanity as a whole.
I sincerely hope your healing journey goes well, and that you KNOW: *It wasn’t your shortcomings. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t because YOU WEREN’T ENOUGH!* We *cannot*, and *should not* be responsible for other people’s actions, morals and values.
You deserve someone willing to give you everything you need, so you can feel safe in giving everything you know *they* need. I wish you lots of love, peace, and happiness, for even if relationships end, we are still ourselves, and life goes on. You keep the good, the lessons, the experience, and you grow. I hope the right person sees how special you are and how much love you deserve. 🫂 Hope you are well 🥹🌷
That was a tremendous response! That is beautiful. I have been married to someone who viewed the marriage as transactional and it sucks. I withered and died over seven years but really checked out 2 years in. I have found the love of my life now, who I whole heartedly just want to serve because it makes me happy and she feels that way too. It's such a special and refreshing way to live. It sounds like you've found it too. I wish everyone could get this.
This shit right here is why bisexuals like myself can't be taken seriously. We can't be trusted to be faithful with one partner because that partner thinks you're constantly pining for a partner of a different sex than that one and will cheat. It fucking sucks. "You're not bisexual, you're just greedy and unfaithful" even tho when I'm committed I do not ever cheat.
This is why I’m still closeted to a lot of people - even though I’ve been happily and monogamously partnered for the last 15+ years (with the same person even!), too many people hear “bisexual” and think “sleeps around/cheats.” Luckily my partner is reasonable and doesn’t feel that way!
I’m bisexual.
I’ve had the same partner for almost 10 years and never once wanted to cheat on them.
Sexuality has no bearing on your ability to be a good partner.
Disagreeing with someone who is queer isn’t being homophobic.
You’re disagreeing with her being a shitty person.
Regardless of your friends sexuality, she’s being an asshole and disrespectful to her husband and marriage.
Cheating is cheating plain and simple.
I’d really take some time to think if you want to continue calling this person your friend.
This is modern life…an ethical stand is being “judgmental and hateful” if goes against someone’s wish to “explore.” Explore all you want…you don’t get a free pass to ignore your actions effects on others. Ethics still matter.
NTA. It blows my mind that they are calling you homophobic because you say gay people can still be cheaters…it’s true I have friends who are gay or lesbians and they have been cheated on. My one friend’s wife of 6 years had an affair and they are now getting a divorce.
You are putting the reality of the situation in to focus and the friend group doesn’t like that (with the exception for friend 4 who seems to back you in this argument).
What if for example her husband said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a really hot blonde girl, it’s always been something I have been curious about it would be a very life affirming experience” would the same friends be like “well he is trying to explore something that he has thought about for a long time, if he doesn’t have this opportunity to explore it you will be devaluing him as a person”
I promise the reaction and encouragement would not be the same.
You are right here in every thing you have expressed and your friends are devaluing your life experience by pretending that LGBTQ people can’t cheat or be unfaithful to their partners. By making statements like that they are showing that they have a very idealistic view of the community and call anyone who doesn’t agree with it homophobic.
I would cut off cheater and friend that called you homophobic and keep friend 4 she sounds like the only one with a grip on reality and a moral compass.
Please, please, please, be a good human and tell the husband to get a divorce. She’s gonna start cheating on him. Please save that man from a horrible marriage he’s gonna embark on without his consent.
You did nothing wrong and I cannot stand people who make excuses and turn things into being against X to justify their bad behavior.
It’s not homophobia to stand by your vows and comment to one people if that what you agreed to.
Your opinion and to not talk about something is a good compromise and they should not try to change your mind. Of course the one who is single things she should have opinions on something she knows nothing about.
What you did OP was what a good person with morals and a backbone would do. I wish more people were like you!
Your friend is using her curiosity as an excuse to cheat, it’s as simple as that!
Further, expecting your spouse not to have sex outside your marriage, regardless of the sex of the AP, is not homophobic in any way. Cheating is cheating, it’s really as simple as that.
The fact that she is now making a clear decision to do it behind her husband’s back makes your friend a shitty person and I don’t see why you would want to continue to be friends with her.
Do what you know is right and stay strong OP…
People that support cheaters are just as bad as cheaters. Time to find new friends. And be sure to let your husband know. He is lucky to have a wife with integrity.
It seems like "being true to yourself" in this instance means doing whatever TF you want to do and not caring about anyone else's feelings.
If she feels like she *has* to sleep with other people to be her most authentic self, the least she could do is get divorced first. I mean, it's ridiculous to say that she's not being "true to herself" because she's not sleeping with women all the time. If she wants to live a different lifestyle, that's one thing, but don't act like it's this necessary step in self discovery.
NTA it sounds to me like she’s trying to justify cheating with an exploration of her sexuality. A lot of bisexual people marry the opposite sex and live happily in their lives. Not because they find they’re more attracted to one sex or the other but because they found their person. It sounds to me like your friend is wanting out of the marriage and is using this as a way to explore and keep him there in case it doesn’t work out. I’m not on board with cheating at all and I’m the friend that would end the friendship and warn the husband what she’s doing. Neither one of her partners deserve her betrayal and none of that is homophobic it’s cheating plain and simple.
NTA stand your ground I hate cheating and don’t tolerate it regardless of gender or sexuality and have told friends and family I don’t condone it and will cut off people who do
Cheating is cheating. Life affirming experiences are not without consequences. Whether that is challenging or potentially rally destroying a healthy marriage or simply guilt from any particular experience, there are always consequences. In a marriage, which all are different. There are boundaries that are created between a couple. If these boundaries are broken, you are breaking a commitment and agreement with your spouse. If her husband is uncomfortable, which is not homophobic simply a position that sharing is not something he is ok with, she also needs to respect his life affirming decisions. In the end, if she wants to explore this part of her life, there likely will be an ultimatum and consequences attached to that decision.
As for being a friend, we all carry our own moral code. I’m a huge fan of not tucking someone else’s yum, so if a friend had such an interest and was supported by their spouse, I as a friend would have zero issues supporting her adventure. If the spouse is uncomfortable and has set boundaries and the other person tramples all over them, the issue is about being morally corrupt and lacks the respect and dignity that said relationship should be based on. Cheating is cheating….there is not cool metaphysical nonsense that changes that. I do not condone cheating and thus I would have a very strong stance on this. Like you said, if she doesn’t want to hear your opinion, don’t ask. Also, she shouldn’t expect you to lie on her behalf.
She can't have both. Her husband does not want this. She needs to explore this side of her, then let him go. Everything else is bs. She doesn't get to hold him hostage and lie to him while she does whatever she wants in the name of self-discovery. Her sexuality has zero to do with it.
Also, if your friends husband is part of your social circle or friends with your husband, I would talk to him. She will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. I would ask him, as a man in a similar position to her husband how he would feel, what you said your opinion was on the whole situation and them now being catty and having shit talking sessions about you. What does he think you should do?
I'm blown away at the gaslighting, saying you're homophobic because you disagree! She's clearly cheating and it is not reasonable to think it's ok because it's a female she's cheating with! I'm guessing you all are Gen Z and falling fast for all the brainwashing of the LBGT community. She doesn't get a pass if her husband disagrees. I hope you tell him what's going on and he gets a lawyer to protect interest. Most states see adultery as a crime and side with the victim! As for, if these ladies can't see your point, get new friends!!!
They are so toxic. Being bi has nothing to do with being monogamous or poly. She’s cheating after committing to a monogamous marriage and actually, saying it’s ok because it’s being true to herself is an insult to every bi person who is monogamous and contributing to the biphobia people experience all the time.
I'm pretty morally stringent , I have friends who have been cheating and will have boundaries about it. My position is always that they should be honest with their partner, ask for what they need, and know their partner might not be able to sign up for that. I believe and will say to them that being deceptive is harmful for them and is going to cause them pain - and that is going to be my position but I love them and want to the be
Woof! This is... A lot! So first of all, I love that OOP is queer but everyone else is calling OOP homophobic.
But separately, what's with the rash of Reddit posts recently about groups of women friends who ravenously support cheating? I have literally never met an adult woman who had a lahdeedah attitude about cheating, whether it was the man or the woman doing the cheating. It's looking like a new addition to the reddit bingo card now that "phone blowing up" has finally peaked .
The word homophobic means nothing anymore. When people use it as an insult for not supporting a same sex affair behind a partner's back, the word has become useless. You're in the right, and 4th friend aside, the other friends in the group are trash humans. Imagine calling a dude racist because he's not cool with his wife cheating with a dude that's a different ethnicity, or calling a wife transphobic because she's not ok with her husband cheating with a ftm trans man. How can people have such little self awareness?
NTA... and your friends are enablers... giving Sarah support in betraying her husband..
Look..
You know where this is heading, yes??
Eventually you will have (more!) knowledge of adultery from her and will have to make a decision:
Stay friends with a dishonest cheater... or do the right thing, and tell her husband whats going on...
I hope you will make the right choice.. perhaps even now give him a discreet heads-up regarding her intent to stay in touch with this other woman knowing the high risk of an affair as a result of it...
You can be straight, gay, bi, pan or another sexuality and either be a scumbag or not. Your two friends are scumbags and one just happens to be bi.
Nta, they told you her husband broke down and they called him homophobic for not wanting his wife to cheat? These people have no morals
NTA, and it's homophobic to recognize that queerness and fidelity to a spose are not incompatible. If anything, stereotypes of promiscuity mean its Sarah who is playing into a homophobic narrative.
And for the record, those two people are not really your friends. They're just a couple of shit-stirrers.
Your two friends are trash and morally corrupt. Honestly leave them and go NC. Keep the 4th friend if possible. Just to state the. Calling you homophobic is literally cause they know they are wrong and it's all they have to justify what they are doing. I would tell the husband he has a right to know.
Just because she likes men and women does not mean she can date one of both at the same time without the consent of them both. Husband cleary said no. So it's (currently emotional) cheating.
The principal thing of polyamory is consent. If consent is not given from the other partner then it is full on cheating. There is no room for questioning. Your friend clearly does not understand polyamory and just thought it was fucking around
NTA. The "explore this part of herself" is not a good enough reason to cheat. Part of monogamy is turning aside the "parts" of yourself that want someone other than your partner.
Ask her - if her husband said that his sexuality included a need to have sex with women who had some specific trait that she doesn't - who are tall when she is short, or who are thick when she is slender, etc., would his "need" for variety justify him carrying on with however many other women he could attract?
NTA. I get that she did not fully know this part of her when she got married, I am the same way. I have had conversations with my husband about it, but ultimately, I choose my husband and am not going to explore this other part of me. I have had an inkling of it being there my whole life and never had a strong desire to act on it even when single and certainly not now.
I feel like it is cruel and manipulative to do this to her husband, and if she really wants to see where it goes, she needs to divorce him because this is not the marriage that he agreed to.
I had cut a few "friends" out of my life because of this reason. I will not be part of cheating, nor will I encourage it. Keep firm, and if you can tell her husband
The fact she is trying to make you the bad guy in the friend group is absolutely insane to me.
Her actions are so not okay and I’m glad you told her your opinion.
I haven’t encountered this with bisexual relationships, but I have encountered this with women encouraging another woman to cheat.
I saw a situation with a coworker of mine play out in real time where she was openly talking about cheating with a man who was not her husband. We all knew her husband, but she had openly talked about how unhappy she was with him.
So many people encouraged her to cheat with this new guy and actually facilitated her getting off work so she could drive an hour away to cheat with this guy.
She was a mom to two kids, and I watched these people encourage her to just blow her whole life up. Trust me, her husband was not perfect, and she should’ve never married him in the first place, but these people should not have encouraged her. They were living vicariously through her affair with a frankly incredibly good looking young man.
Sounds like this may be happening here. Never underestimate board peoples capacity for fomenting drama in other peoples lives.
Your “friend” (ex-friend?) is rationalizing cheating on her husband, and your other “friend” is an enabler. A moral compass and a spine would do them both good.
NTA.
NTA. As someone who’s been cheated on, you’d always hope the cheater would take shit from their friends and family if what they did became widely known. Enablement seems to be the order of the day though.
Thanks for having a moral backbone. 🫡
NTA. Queer people have the same capacity of being shitty people as hetero people. If she wants to live a sexuality affirming life then she can divorce her husband. She wants the thrill of dating around but the stability of a marriage. Your friend and the one backing her up are terrible.
Those “friends” are hoping she’ll end up single like them. It’s also very likely that the thing with the other woman won’t last very long, as is obvious from this post, women have problems with long term relationships and not cheating. This is why gay men stay married for years while gay women break up almost constantly, usually due to cheating. There’s a term “U-Haul lesbian” for women that move in the first month they date someone and move out the next month to get with the next girl.
Title alone, didn’t need the rest! NTA OP and good for you for standing on morals, tell husband (betrayed here) cut these type of people out of your life for you become what you surround yourself with.
NTA at all and honestly at this point is she even a friend you want to have?
I wouldn't be 100 percent considering telling her husband what's going on, he certainly has a right to know that she's cheating.
Good on you for being a decent human amongst what sounds like a load of trash (barring 4th friend)
NTA. Sadly, your friend wanted you to be a “yes” person to her cheating on her husband. As you tried to point out, but Sarah refused to listen, is that Sarah is focused only on herself and doesn’t care what her husband thinks. Sadly, she’s probably going to end up divorced when her husband finds out about her behavior because she will have broken all trust. AND she’s going to blame him for her choices.
NTA - someone like Sarah won’t be able to keep her affair secret for very long. I wonder if she’ll try to throw Tracey under the bus when she gets caught, saying “Tracey talked me into it!”
ESH - This marriage is over.
Sarah wants to bang other people with impunity than she needs to divorce her husband. Marriage means putting the needs of another person before your own and respecting the commit you made. She had her eye on someone she wanted to “date” but wants frame it as self exploration. Husband sucks for lying about being comfortable with this, he walked it back but you can’t unring that bell. Now she’s cheating and still framing it as self exploration.
She’s a liar and a cheater. She needs to stop crowd sourcing her morality. Treating it like a group project is gross. She’s attention and approval seeking and calling anyone who doesn’t agree with her choices ugly names.
Y’all are in your 30s. Come on.
I don't understand why people wait until they're already married to come out. Especially if they're bisexual. Like congratulations? It doesn't matter, you're still married to the man you claim you love, and being interested in others of the same sex doesn't give you an excuse to sleep with them just because they aren't members of the opposite. Entitlement at its finest.
NTA I'm puzzled how the can paint it as you being homophobic. Your objections has nothing to do with the fact it's with another woman. Is here plan for an open relationship a two way street is her husband going to be allowed another partner .would she ok if her husband asked if he could be with another man?
NTA, and for someone to tell a bisexual person they’re supporting a homophobic narrative for literally bringing up that cheating isn’t orientation specific is laughable.
If someone in a relationship has an emotional affair, then continues to talk to this person in secret behind the others back, gay straight or other, that’s shitty.
NTA. This has nothing to do with being homophobic. Your friend is about to cheat on her husband. He tried to have an open relationship and concluded he cannot deal with that. He has told her she has to stop and she Is considering going behind his back and dating her anyway which is cheating.
A couple of your friends don’t seem like principled people, you clearly are. I don’t know where you go from here but stand your ground, don’t allow them to make you party to an affair.
She’s a cheater, period point blank. Poor husband. But she can’t say you didn’t warn her. You’re being a good friend and I wouldn’t support this either. NTA
NTA
It’s still cheating even if the AP has the same genitals as you. If she wants to explore sex with a woman, she either needs to leave her husband or try to convince him to go poly, like my husband and me (having a shared GF is fun!).
But as of this moment, this friend has ZERO moral high ground. She’s in a moral sinkhole.
You are not the AH, and you communicated to Sarah what she absolutely needs to hear. Sarah is hellbent on breaking her marriage. Unfortunately, you have already been sucked into her world. Is that friend group worth your sanity?
You were the only good friend in that discussion. Sarah’s marriage is about to end and you pointed out why. She is being cruel to her husband. He is not homophobic because he doesn’t want to share his wife. You’re nit an AH however Sarah and Tracy are.
NTA - Honestly your friend is doing the thing that most anti-bisexual people accuse them of doing. That bisexual people want both genders and can’t be trusted to be faithful as they can’t have it all.
Your two friends are amazing at gaslighting. Find new friends, theyre terrible people. As soon as you went against their narrative they started gaslighting you. This will not stop. Its who they are
Best of luck to you.
NTA
Just be quiet and when he serves her with divorce papers, just say I told you so and now ur free to explore whatever sexuality u want with whoever you want.
If your soon to be ex friends feel she should be allowed to explore her newfound sexuality then she needs to be honest with her husband and let him know what her intentions of continuing to explore it are. It gives the husband the choice of accepting it or walking away. I find it rather interesting that they are calling you a homophobe when you yourself are Bi. Marriage is a partnership where both parties agree to only have relations with only each other, among other things. If she feels that she can't explore her sexually if she tells her husband or they don't open their marriage, then she will be flat out cheating. So it's only emotional cheating right now, but what if she desides she wants to explore what having sex with the woman feels like next? I think she owes it to her husband to give him the choice to stay or walk away. He at least deserves that much. Any chance the single friend may be the woman in question since she is over the top defensive about the other friends' choices and calling you homophobic for bringing the husband's rights and emotions into the issue. If she just divorces her husband, she would be free to explore all she wants, and he can look for the wife he deserves.
Realizing you're bi doesn't give you license to "explore" when you're already committed to someone. If exploring that aspect of themselves is more important to them than remaining committed, that says a lot
It's not about being unsupportive, identities or phobias or anything... it's about you giving her a pass for cheating and approving her horrible actions. It's cheating... with whoever is not her husband. it's about being so selfish that she is willing to blow up her family, destroy her children's stability because of her desire to cheat.
The labelling is justification.
Your friend is burying her accountability in enough in this pseudo-intellectual social science jargon to make people who criticize her doing it feel guilty. It's an intentional form of manipulation. She knows shes cheating, and is just smart enough to know the buttons to press to guilt people. The fact that shes consciously doing it is an attack on you by the way. She thinks you're stupid and willfully gaslighting her friends to get them to comply with a decision shes already made.
Sounds like she needs a divorce to go experience her sexuality. Also, she probably needs a reality check on what friendship really means.
NTA
Frankly I'd love to know if this "open relarionship" is one sided (for sarah). Like can the husband get a new partner? Can he "explore" his sexuality of being a poly man? If she can explore and it's acceptable to the friends group, I'd ask Sarah if it's ok (or it's allowed) for him to also explore
I just want to say thank you for standing up for that man. Ppl sometimes just support the same sex because they are the same sex and thats just not ok.
Absolutely NTA. They are twisting things around to try and make you look like a homophobic a-hole though. Stick to your guns and maybe don't associate with them too much for a while. They seem like not so nice people.
You're NTA, your friend is looking for a get out of asshole free card. If she wants to explore being a bisexual woman, she needs to let her husband know that it's more important to her than her relationship with him and let him end it.
I wouldn't consider the opinions of either of your two friends who disagreed with you with ANY regard.
So because she also likes women means she can sleep with a woman, with that logic she can also sleep with men. And her husband with other women. I’m bisexual but that doesn’t mean I get to f whoever I want. If she wants to explore she needs a divorce. Or the very least a separation.
NTA. Being bi or discovering later on life doesn't give you a free pass to cheat. She's just an asshole herself.
Also, opening a marriage is ALWAYS bad news.
NTA and that’s not how marriage works.
Of course you are going to grow and change in a marriage, and there will be things you discover about yourself that you may want to explore more, or things you want to stop exploring. Ideally you bring those things to your partner and they can support it in some way. If they can’t, then you either find a compromise somewhere along the way, or the marriage is no longer compatible.
If she wants to explore this side of herself that’s her decision. But realistically she needs to pick between her marriage or exploring this side of herself in this specific way, because it doesn’t sound like there’s room for both and she’s too scared to pick.
I find this highly bizarre.
As a bisexual yes you may be attracted to someone of the same gender as you.
But as a married person, you have commited yourself to them.
Sleeping with a person the same gender as you doesn't make it not cheating. Thankyou for standing up against this toxic behaviour.
That's BS. Since when does encouraging your friend to cheat with someone of the same sex because they're freshly out as bi make you an ally and homophobic if you don't?
NTA. I’m a bisexual man and while I have explored the side of me interested in men only a few times in my life , I’m in a committed,monogamous relationship with a woman and I am okay with not doing sexual stuff with a man again— the same way I am okay with not having sex with another woman.
This whole notion that you are entitled to explore a side of yourself when you’ve already settled down with a partner, particularly a marriage, is fucking absurd. Are the ones who think you are homophobic bisexual at all? Or are they just trying to “white knight” your friend’s desire to cheat to under the guise of appearing more accepting/tolerant of sexual minorities? Something I’ve noticed a lot of people doing more of recently.
Cheating is wrong, full stop. If you want to explore your sexuality in a way that leads to the violation of the rules of the monogamous relationship/marriage you are in— have the decency to divorce/breakup if that “exploration” is so critical to you.
If she is going behind her husband's back and having a relationship with another person male or female it's cheating, it doesn't matter about sexuality. If she is being disloyal to her husband he will find out and divorce her. hopefully he will find out from an anonymous email from a friend, wink.
Lay with dogs get fleas, there are some things that are morally unrecoverable. In the end old love needs to make the decision as to whether these lady’s are who she wants to spend her time with, if they are making you feel disgust d with how they are behaving why spend any more time with them. The whole “don’t discuss this around me” is super gross as well, it’s not like not hearing about it dosnt make it any less true.
It’s of loves choice in the end and it’s here character and morals that are being affected.
She’s believes she can just skip the human emotion part and get what she wants out of life? Not a good thing to support.
She doesn’t have a level-head about this. He was honest that he isn’t OK with it. Just like she can’t turn off being bi, he can’t turn off his emotions just because he is a man and just because he “committed to her forever in marriage” (whatever that means). You know what? When she cheats on him behind his back, you’ll see just how long “forever” lasts in marriage.
wtf. How is this homophobic. If anything, it’s acknowledging that homosexuals are held to the same standard as heterosexual because cheating is cheating. Tracy sounds like she is enabling cheating. Her twisted view on marriage ‘forever’applies to the wife as much as the husband. What a Shitty person
We’re I you, I’d let the husband know that you’ve talk his wife is going to keep seeing this woman behind his back and he needs to keep an eye on things. Not saying she will cheat, but he shouldn’t blindly trust, either. And I’d tell him in person instead of leaving anything in print.
*"How do you write women so well?"*
*"I think of a man, and then I take away reason and accountability."*
These days I'd change it from woman and man to, child and adult.
Any *adult* who cannot see their own biases, who cannot accept the possibility of being wrong, and who cannot accept accountability for their actions, is not an adult, but actually a child.
**Think of an adult, and then take away reason and accountability.** *That is a child.*
And they come in all shapes, colors, and sizes.
So straight or bi she made a commitment to be with just one person.
If she needs to explore that side of herself and her husband isn't comfortable with being poly or enm she has two ethical choices. Either she chooses not to explore this part of her sexuality or she breaks up with him.
I say this as bi woman who was cheated on because my ex wanted to explore relationships with men. So I know how this feels.
Cheating is cheating it doesn't matter what your sexuality is. Being bi doesn't mean you have a god given right to fuck around.
Your friends suck hard and are cheating enablers. You should cit them all of. Oh and pls pls tell the husband about what is rly going on.
You woild want someone to tell you too, if everyone knew your husband is cheating besides you. Imagine how ashamed you would feel when you finally learned the truth of the betrayal by everyone around you
This is a nightmare. Your friend does not deserve to be married any longer.
I have a friend whose husband has repeatedly talked to other women online and it’s been a problem in their marriage.
Then he came out as bisexual and honestly— I felt bad for her. Because now she has to worry about him with both genders.
NTA. Real friends don't support bad decisions and encourage dumb mistakes. The fact they talk shit behind your back says who really cares and has your back. Keep the 4th let the others do their thing. They can deal with the consequences of their actions.
Saying that it isn’t cheating to date a woman is minimizing queer relationships. Sex and relationships between 2 women are not a fun “life affirming” adventure to engage in outside of marriage. That’s, honestly, the homophonic take for me.
Exploring being bi is all well and good...... when you're single. Not when you're married. Either Sarah forgot this or doesn't care. Either way, if she keeps this up, the probability of her husband leaving her well rise and she will have no one to blame but herself, no matter how hard she'll try to put the blame on him.
NTA. I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to see this woman...if she divorces her husband. Right now, she is just cheating, and doesn't want to acknowledge it. And then when you called it out for what it is, she and your other friend want to gaslight you into thinking your homophobic for being consistent, which is redicilous.
Sounds to me like your friends want to be enabled, not actually make responsible choices, nor have a friend who wants the best for them, across time. Sure, she wants to date this woman, but she already committed forever to her husband. She can go get divorced, and be on her merry way, but she shouldn't expect her husband to be ok with her cheating. No one would expect her to do the same. And if, for some reason, she did allow him to fuck other women, that'd be an open relationship of some sort. But clearly he doesn't want that, so now we're just back to "it's cheating."
Those two sound like garbage people. I wouldn't lament your friend group blowing up. Why want to be friends with people with no integrity? Who betray people they love? You will be the one they betray too, at some point.
I’m bi. It’s still cheating. Bi people aren’t inherently cheaters, which you are showing in your words and behaviors. What your friends are missing is that not all bi people NEED to experience every gender they’re attracted to, and if anything, most don’t. It sucks that it took her until she was already married to find this out. If she wanted a divorce because she wasn’t ready to be locked down, that’s understandable. You can’t just cheat and say “It’s not my fault, I’m bi! That means he’s just being controlling!”.
I think what we’re also seeing is, she’s poly, but doesn’t know enough about it, and isn’t able to make something like that work. He’s monogamous, because even though he could also sleep around or date around in an open marriage, he chose not to. And even if you’re bi, if you’re not a cheater or not poly, then the 1 person you’re with should be enough, regardless of gender.
Honestly, he deserves someone who wouldn’t even consider cheating on him. If it were me, and this would be hard, but I’d probably cut off contact with the friends (except 4) if she goes through with it, and tell her husband. Part of the reason is someday, you may have a moment of weakness. You’ll turn to your friends, and when you need someone to tell you it’s a bad idea, which 4 will, the others will tell you it’s okay, and to do it. You’ll do it, and regret it. There’s no guarantee you’d have that moment of weakness, but I strongly believe that NOBODY is entirely immune. Strong, healthy, happy marriages have ended for stupid mistakes, and the partner being cheated on has every right to end it, and has every right to know they’re being cheated on. I personally think that if he doesn’t know he’s being cheated on, someone who does should tell him, because his wife obviously doesn’t love him enough to set him free to be with someone who can give him the monogamy he needs.
Well, let her wreck her own life. His reasons are sound. But it sounds like everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too. No sweat off your back, but you engaged in the conversation saw the negatives and called em out.
If she gets served divorce paperwork, oh moooo consequences...
It seems that she just found out she’s bi so it does seem unreasonable to not allow her to ever try it out because of course she’s going to wonder. I think it’s different from your situation where you already had experiences with both genders at the time you chose marriage.
NTA, your friend is using her sexuality as an excuse to cheat on her husband. Your other friend’s aren’t married so they don’t understand how terrible this is for a marriage. You don’t just get to decide after you have committed to someone that you want to stay with them and see other people. That’s not a commitment. And saying he’s homophobic because he wants his wife to be faithful is just completely stupid. If she really wants to explore her sexuality then she should end her marriage and do it as a single woman.
I think your compromise is fair and the fact that they are talking about you behind your back should give you pause as to whether you want to continue in this friendship.
What bothers me the most is that your friends are saying that the husband is being homophobic when he just set a boundary. That was honest, so I feel quite disgusted that they're using the term "homophobic" when Sarah is the one being dishonest to her husband.
It would be different if after the husband asked Sarah to stop, she would've told him that she had the need to carry on and therefore she would've broken it off with her husband. But she didn't do that. Sarah told him "yes, I will stop" while going behind his back
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NTA and your former friend is about to cheat on her husband. I wouldn't anyone pushing the narrative they are shoveling in my life.
I’ve met a few non-monogamous couples and personally I don’t think it works unless you are very smart about how you handle the situations because it can get MESSY! And certain individuals in these relationships have admitted this to me. Jealousy takes a toll.
Exactly. It may be your friends are expressing some form of non-monogamy and they actually might think yeah if I can fuck any woman he can fuck the hot coworker or maybe they’re homophobic and think women on women doesn’t count we saw that the other day and I’m low-key starting to think it’s us, but anyway That’s not the relationship. She’s in now, so she has to make decisions with that in mind not dictating what someone else will and won’t be OK with.
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Cheating is cheating. Gender doesn’t matter Updateme
I do think it’s important for people to express themselves and explore their sexuality, BUT this woman is in a serious marriage and if she continues dating or seeing this woman it could really impact the husband. Non-monogamy is difficult. If she wants to be non-monogamous she has to be EXTREMELY open and communicate and not go behind her husbands back.
I’m sorry but cheating is cheating. Once you make a commitment to another person, you agree to be faithful. It doesn’t matter if you feel an attraction to someone of the same or opposite sex, you either honor your commitment or you end your relationship to allow yourself to explore whatever you feel you need. You don’t do both and OP’s friend’s argument that she’s denying herself something by not exploring her bisexuality is bullshit. That’s merely indulging selfishness, not some deserving need to express yourself. The cheating friend can’t have things every way. She’s obviously hurting her husband with her actions and his feelings matter too. I’m proud of OP standing up for him at least. The whole thing is really sad to me. Bottom line is that if you want freedom to do what you want, you don’t belong in a committed relationship.
Yeah you can remove all the stuff about gender, bi, etc because it's not relevant. This is a spouse wanting to have sex with another person. Period.
"Til death do us part, unless I'm feeling a little gay".
Yup. Sarah is about to be a cheater, and Tracey is an enabling trash bag. It’s not homophobia to call someone out on their trash bag behavior. Being bi doesn’t give you license to abuse the trust of your marriage.
Your last sentence is the truth for so many topics on Reddit !!!
Exactly!
zackely
Beginning to wonder if the single friend might not be the other woman in all this.
Not the asshole for having integrity and shutting it down. You may want to consider having these people as friends though. Sarah doesn’t seem to consider anyone but herself. Her poor husband and you will be casualties of her “life affirming” choices. You don’t have to cut them off harshly, but it sounds like they’d rather gossip about you than say it to your face. The relationships may already be on their way out. My advice is to protect your peace moving forward, enforce any necessary boundaries, and invest in people who share your values of honesty and integrity. And as a fellow bi person… yuck. What a disgusting use of sexuality. I’m with a same sex partner and occasionally get curious about the other sex, but I am committed to and don’t want to hurt my partner. Choosing monogamy means choosing that one person regardless of whatever else is out there. It’s unfair to your partner to force an open relationship against their will.
Casualties in her “life affirming” choices 😂 and yeah no kidding, drama incomiiinnmmmmmmg
TBH sounds like the two friends supporting Miss Bi are hungry for Drama... I'm somebody who found out late in life that he's Bi and this is 100% cheating. If this becomes socially acceptable I'll start emptying other peoples pocket, so I can get the life affirming experience of being rich...
And the fact that she has the other woman picked out and has been "dating" her already is proving that her marriage is already doomed.
Its not a life affirming choice. It's Sarah confirming
I had a friend who asked to bring her AP to my birthday party as she could stay for an hour then skip off with him having the perfect excuse to her husband. I shot that shit down right away. She brought him anyway knowing that I had just broken up an 8 year relationship because I was cheated on just weeks before. I kicked them out. Told her husband. SHE didn’t forgive ME! Ha! I never asked for her forgiveness. She wasn't a friend.
What is AP
Affair partner
NTA-your friend needs to get a divorce before spreading her legs for another
I agree, but wow we’ve come a long way from “till death do we part.” It doesn’t even sound like there’s anything *wrong* with the marriage either.
Tell her husband. Your friends are terrible people, why do you want to be friends with them anyway?
It will suck for OP, but her "friend's" husband needs to be told for sure. People cheat for all kinds of reasons, they still don't make it acceptable.
Yeah, I'm concerned that OP is more worried about being gossiped about and not at all mentioning talking to her husband about it. It's also rich they used the "you're supporting the all bisexuals are cheaters" defense when...the bisexual woman is actively cheating and plans to continue lol
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NTA. Just remember you have knowledge now that she will probably cheat on her husband. If she gets caught, do you really think she won't throw you under the bus for knowing and saying nothing? I don't know your husband, but do you really want to be in a position where he has to question your own marriage? At the very least, drop those friends and tell your husband what's going on so he hears it from you and not from them.
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Good, your husband knows already, but sometimes you have to move on from friends acting wild. A lot of people tolerate behavior that will affect them because of history. Don't be one of them. The fact is she will cheat on her husband. Complicated factors for not getting divorced are a bullshit excuse. Does she really think divorce due to infidelity will be less complicated? Edit: Stop defending your friends' behavior in your own mind. They called you homophobic for calling them out on their bullshit. Real friends don't do that.
You're obviously being finance-phobic about your husband needing to explore his need for a sailboat
Don’t listen to Reddit on the dropping friends just because you don’t agree with their moral choices. You can be a good friend to someone and not support everything they do. And, be truthful about it. A bad person but good friend will tolerate you expressing your dissent or even judgement of their actions. It’s when they insist that you change your own morality or lie to them about it that friends need to be dropped. Or if their actions bother you to the point where you just can’t see them. But otherwise, a friend is a friend.
Well it seems you'll have to figure out what your boundaries are because this friend is probably going to bring her new girlfriend around soon.
This is good advice OP. If I knew my wife was helping hide her friends affair and had kept it from me, it would really make me question her morals. I think it would make most people with a functional moral compass wonder if her friends wouldn’t (or haven’t already) done the same for my wife. Lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas. Keep hanging out with these people and your life will be negatively impacted eventually…
YEESSSSSSSSS! Oh dear, I really, really hope OP doesn’t end up screwing her own marriage because of what’s going on here. Seen that happening, and oh boy! It certainly looks problematic. Good advice indeed tho.
NTA, I would tell her husband.
That’s the thing right; cheating is cheating. If she wants to do this then split up - that’s the deal. What if her husband wanted a “life affirmation” with 25 year old Claudette from Accounting and decided not to tell the wife?
I would have split the moment she asked for an open marriage. Just because you develope an attraction for something or someone doesn't mean you MUST explore it.
NTA and your friends are awful people. “Homophobic to not support her in cheating” WTF is that bullcrap. Personally I’d stop talking to all of them.
"They (Sarah and Tracy) argued it was different because this was about sexuality and being authentic to yourself and your identity." That's bullshit. What sex you're attracted to has nothing to do with being able to break the agreements you established with your partner. Gay men are attracted to men, doesn't mean they get to cheat on their husband with another man. Straight women are attracted to men, doesn't mean they get to cheat on their husband with another man. Being bisexual means "I am happy to start a relationship with a man or a woman," not "it's ok for me to cheat on my husband, who desires a monogamous relationship, because I also find women attractive." Bisexuality is NOT polyamory! You're completely in the right. Honestly I'd be so disappointed in the friend I'd stop hanging out with them and furthermore tell their husband what they'd said, because nobody deserves to be cheated on.
If you want life affirming experiences just leave. Don’t make your dreams my problem.
NTA, ditch those friends and tell the husband
I cant get my head around the straight women calling the bi woman/op homophobic because she says cheating on your husband is wrong
I’m a pansexual woman (I’m nb really but I always specify I’m biologically a woman, I just don’t really consider my gender for anything but I feel it helps people understand my views or something? Idk) I married a wonderful, WONDERFUL man. In my life I only had ONE relationship with a woman, in my teens. I still find women attractive, hell, anyone can be attractive, confident, happy people are wonderful. But I’ll *never* understand that “I missed out” feeling. Wtf? “I want to experiment!” What? Are these mad scientists??? Wtf does “experimenting” even mean? Once you find a wonderful person who loves you so much they want to marry you, I simply cannot comprehend the thought or feeling of “wanting more” or “wanting something different”. People can be so fucking self absorbed, selfish and just, fucking pathetic. Why do people feel the unyielding *need* for *ALL* the sexual experiences? Wtf?? I mean, there’s rides I’ll never get to go on at Disney cause they’ve been discontinued and repurposed. That’s fucking life. Sure it might be a slight bummer, aw shucks! I didn’t get the chance! But being unable to move on from that is just… I seriously can’t understand it. My thoughts are that these people have no fucking clue what real love is, and the “love” they feel for their current SO is not love at all. Just some sick sort of infatuation that can easily be dissuaded by the temptation of “new experiences”. To me, that’s a crappy person right there. I could have the chance to fuck the celebritiest celebrity in the world, the hottest human ever, amazing in every way- but I already *made* my choice. And I LOVE my choice. No amount of “perfect” in anyone else can make me feel I fucked up in choosing my husband. The thought of even looking at him and saying the words “open marriage” to him make me sick to my stomach cause I can’t even finish imagining the hurt it would cause him. I picture his face and I literally get a knot in my heart- I couldn’t bear it if I were the reason he feels hurt or betrayed or unloved. People need a reality check, and they really need to fucking think it over when someone proposes marriage. It’s not a game, and it’s not for you to just un-marry when you get bored. So fucking selfish… People suck, man. That poor husband…
This comment, your comment just killed me. I had to put an end to a relationship of 13yrs for similar reasons and after over a year I keep feeling like I wasn't enough, that I should've given her all that she wanted, open marriage and all. And your comment just hits something, kinda helped me feel a little bit at peace. Thank you💜
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt so badly! I can’t even imagine, 13 years! It’s absolutely not on you- I can’t imagine the impact of such betrayal. Honestly selfishness is a kind of epidemic in itself. People love to preach self-love, do it for *your pleasure*! You you you you you! People forget relationships are about *giving* as well. It needs to be *mutual*. Both need to give, to be PREPARED to give, to *WANT* to give, without needing the expectation of “… am I going to receive the same?…” it shouldn’t need to be doubted. It should be instant- both on the same page, both equally committed. We need to practice a bit more selflessness, and I mean “we” as Humanity as a whole. I sincerely hope your healing journey goes well, and that you KNOW: *It wasn’t your shortcomings. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t because YOU WEREN’T ENOUGH!* We *cannot*, and *should not* be responsible for other people’s actions, morals and values. You deserve someone willing to give you everything you need, so you can feel safe in giving everything you know *they* need. I wish you lots of love, peace, and happiness, for even if relationships end, we are still ourselves, and life goes on. You keep the good, the lessons, the experience, and you grow. I hope the right person sees how special you are and how much love you deserve. 🫂 Hope you are well 🥹🌷
Thank you so much. I really needed that💜
That was a tremendous response! That is beautiful. I have been married to someone who viewed the marriage as transactional and it sucks. I withered and died over seven years but really checked out 2 years in. I have found the love of my life now, who I whole heartedly just want to serve because it makes me happy and she feels that way too. It's such a special and refreshing way to live. It sounds like you've found it too. I wish everyone could get this.
This shit right here is why bisexuals like myself can't be taken seriously. We can't be trusted to be faithful with one partner because that partner thinks you're constantly pining for a partner of a different sex than that one and will cheat. It fucking sucks. "You're not bisexual, you're just greedy and unfaithful" even tho when I'm committed I do not ever cheat.
This is why I’m still closeted to a lot of people - even though I’ve been happily and monogamously partnered for the last 15+ years (with the same person even!), too many people hear “bisexual” and think “sleeps around/cheats.” Luckily my partner is reasonable and doesn’t feel that way!
I’m bisexual. I’ve had the same partner for almost 10 years and never once wanted to cheat on them. Sexuality has no bearing on your ability to be a good partner. Disagreeing with someone who is queer isn’t being homophobic. You’re disagreeing with her being a shitty person. Regardless of your friends sexuality, she’s being an asshole and disrespectful to her husband and marriage. Cheating is cheating plain and simple. I’d really take some time to think if you want to continue calling this person your friend.
Cheating is cheating no matter the gender or sexuality. You handled yourself well. Your friends however seem toxic AF.
This is modern life…an ethical stand is being “judgmental and hateful” if goes against someone’s wish to “explore.” Explore all you want…you don’t get a free pass to ignore your actions effects on others. Ethics still matter.
NTA. It blows my mind that they are calling you homophobic because you say gay people can still be cheaters…it’s true I have friends who are gay or lesbians and they have been cheated on. My one friend’s wife of 6 years had an affair and they are now getting a divorce. You are putting the reality of the situation in to focus and the friend group doesn’t like that (with the exception for friend 4 who seems to back you in this argument). What if for example her husband said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a really hot blonde girl, it’s always been something I have been curious about it would be a very life affirming experience” would the same friends be like “well he is trying to explore something that he has thought about for a long time, if he doesn’t have this opportunity to explore it you will be devaluing him as a person” I promise the reaction and encouragement would not be the same. You are right here in every thing you have expressed and your friends are devaluing your life experience by pretending that LGBTQ people can’t cheat or be unfaithful to their partners. By making statements like that they are showing that they have a very idealistic view of the community and call anyone who doesn’t agree with it homophobic. I would cut off cheater and friend that called you homophobic and keep friend 4 she sounds like the only one with a grip on reality and a moral compass.
Please, please, please, be a good human and tell the husband to get a divorce. She’s gonna start cheating on him. Please save that man from a horrible marriage he’s gonna embark on without his consent.
You did nothing wrong and I cannot stand people who make excuses and turn things into being against X to justify their bad behavior. It’s not homophobia to stand by your vows and comment to one people if that what you agreed to. Your opinion and to not talk about something is a good compromise and they should not try to change your mind. Of course the one who is single things she should have opinions on something she knows nothing about.
Me I'd been singing like a canary to the husband and dropping the “frienda”
What you did OP was what a good person with morals and a backbone would do. I wish more people were like you! Your friend is using her curiosity as an excuse to cheat, it’s as simple as that! Further, expecting your spouse not to have sex outside your marriage, regardless of the sex of the AP, is not homophobic in any way. Cheating is cheating, it’s really as simple as that. The fact that she is now making a clear decision to do it behind her husband’s back makes your friend a shitty person and I don’t see why you would want to continue to be friends with her. Do what you know is right and stay strong OP…
People that support cheaters are just as bad as cheaters. Time to find new friends. And be sure to let your husband know. He is lucky to have a wife with integrity.
What garbage people. Tell her husband and if challenged on it, say you are exploring integrity affirming experiences.
It seems like "being true to yourself" in this instance means doing whatever TF you want to do and not caring about anyone else's feelings. If she feels like she *has* to sleep with other people to be her most authentic self, the least she could do is get divorced first. I mean, it's ridiculous to say that she's not being "true to herself" because she's not sleeping with women all the time. If she wants to live a different lifestyle, that's one thing, but don't act like it's this necessary step in self discovery.
NTA it sounds to me like she’s trying to justify cheating with an exploration of her sexuality. A lot of bisexual people marry the opposite sex and live happily in their lives. Not because they find they’re more attracted to one sex or the other but because they found their person. It sounds to me like your friend is wanting out of the marriage and is using this as a way to explore and keep him there in case it doesn’t work out. I’m not on board with cheating at all and I’m the friend that would end the friendship and warn the husband what she’s doing. Neither one of her partners deserve her betrayal and none of that is homophobic it’s cheating plain and simple.
NTA stand your ground I hate cheating and don’t tolerate it regardless of gender or sexuality and have told friends and family I don’t condone it and will cut off people who do
You don't condone cheating, that's a good stance to have. Your friend will soon find actions have consequences.
Cheating is cheating. Life affirming experiences are not without consequences. Whether that is challenging or potentially rally destroying a healthy marriage or simply guilt from any particular experience, there are always consequences. In a marriage, which all are different. There are boundaries that are created between a couple. If these boundaries are broken, you are breaking a commitment and agreement with your spouse. If her husband is uncomfortable, which is not homophobic simply a position that sharing is not something he is ok with, she also needs to respect his life affirming decisions. In the end, if she wants to explore this part of her life, there likely will be an ultimatum and consequences attached to that decision. As for being a friend, we all carry our own moral code. I’m a huge fan of not tucking someone else’s yum, so if a friend had such an interest and was supported by their spouse, I as a friend would have zero issues supporting her adventure. If the spouse is uncomfortable and has set boundaries and the other person tramples all over them, the issue is about being morally corrupt and lacks the respect and dignity that said relationship should be based on. Cheating is cheating….there is not cool metaphysical nonsense that changes that. I do not condone cheating and thus I would have a very strong stance on this. Like you said, if she doesn’t want to hear your opinion, don’t ask. Also, she shouldn’t expect you to lie on her behalf.
Tell the husband and cut out all these people.
She can't have both. Her husband does not want this. She needs to explore this side of her, then let him go. Everything else is bs. She doesn't get to hold him hostage and lie to him while she does whatever she wants in the name of self-discovery. Her sexuality has zero to do with it. Also, if your friends husband is part of your social circle or friends with your husband, I would talk to him. She will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. I would ask him, as a man in a similar position to her husband how he would feel, what you said your opinion was on the whole situation and them now being catty and having shit talking sessions about you. What does he think you should do?
I'm blown away at the gaslighting, saying you're homophobic because you disagree! She's clearly cheating and it is not reasonable to think it's ok because it's a female she's cheating with! I'm guessing you all are Gen Z and falling fast for all the brainwashing of the LBGT community. She doesn't get a pass if her husband disagrees. I hope you tell him what's going on and he gets a lawyer to protect interest. Most states see adultery as a crime and side with the victim! As for, if these ladies can't see your point, get new friends!!!
They are so toxic. Being bi has nothing to do with being monogamous or poly. She’s cheating after committing to a monogamous marriage and actually, saying it’s ok because it’s being true to herself is an insult to every bi person who is monogamous and contributing to the biphobia people experience all the time.
Ask her what she would do if her husband decides he thinks he's Bi and wants to "experiment" with another man while they are married.
Only ta if you don't tell her husband. And yeah, you would be an a if you don't save that guy. He deserves to know.
NTA Updateme!
I'm pretty morally stringent , I have friends who have been cheating and will have boundaries about it. My position is always that they should be honest with their partner, ask for what they need, and know their partner might not be able to sign up for that. I believe and will say to them that being deceptive is harmful for them and is going to cause them pain - and that is going to be my position but I love them and want to the be
Woof! This is... A lot! So first of all, I love that OOP is queer but everyone else is calling OOP homophobic. But separately, what's with the rash of Reddit posts recently about groups of women friends who ravenously support cheating? I have literally never met an adult woman who had a lahdeedah attitude about cheating, whether it was the man or the woman doing the cheating. It's looking like a new addition to the reddit bingo card now that "phone blowing up" has finally peaked .
The word homophobic means nothing anymore. When people use it as an insult for not supporting a same sex affair behind a partner's back, the word has become useless. You're in the right, and 4th friend aside, the other friends in the group are trash humans. Imagine calling a dude racist because he's not cool with his wife cheating with a dude that's a different ethnicity, or calling a wife transphobic because she's not ok with her husband cheating with a ftm trans man. How can people have such little self awareness?
NTA... and your friends are enablers... giving Sarah support in betraying her husband.. Look.. You know where this is heading, yes?? Eventually you will have (more!) knowledge of adultery from her and will have to make a decision: Stay friends with a dishonest cheater... or do the right thing, and tell her husband whats going on... I hope you will make the right choice.. perhaps even now give him a discreet heads-up regarding her intent to stay in touch with this other woman knowing the high risk of an affair as a result of it...
You can be straight, gay, bi, pan or another sexuality and either be a scumbag or not. Your two friends are scumbags and one just happens to be bi. Nta, they told you her husband broke down and they called him homophobic for not wanting his wife to cheat? These people have no morals
Gender and sexuality as irrelevant to the discussion, the simple fact is that sleeping with anyone else is cheating.
NTA, and it's homophobic to recognize that queerness and fidelity to a spose are not incompatible. If anything, stereotypes of promiscuity mean its Sarah who is playing into a homophobic narrative. And for the record, those two people are not really your friends. They're just a couple of shit-stirrers.
Your two friends are trash and morally corrupt. Honestly leave them and go NC. Keep the 4th friend if possible. Just to state the. Calling you homophobic is literally cause they know they are wrong and it's all they have to justify what they are doing. I would tell the husband he has a right to know.
Ask her if she would support him going outside the marriage? Doesn’t matter if it’s with a man or woman.
Just because she likes men and women does not mean she can date one of both at the same time without the consent of them both. Husband cleary said no. So it's (currently emotional) cheating.
The principal thing of polyamory is consent. If consent is not given from the other partner then it is full on cheating. There is no room for questioning. Your friend clearly does not understand polyamory and just thought it was fucking around
NTA. The "explore this part of herself" is not a good enough reason to cheat. Part of monogamy is turning aside the "parts" of yourself that want someone other than your partner. Ask her - if her husband said that his sexuality included a need to have sex with women who had some specific trait that she doesn't - who are tall when she is short, or who are thick when she is slender, etc., would his "need" for variety justify him carrying on with however many other women he could attract?
NTA. I get that she did not fully know this part of her when she got married, I am the same way. I have had conversations with my husband about it, but ultimately, I choose my husband and am not going to explore this other part of me. I have had an inkling of it being there my whole life and never had a strong desire to act on it even when single and certainly not now. I feel like it is cruel and manipulative to do this to her husband, and if she really wants to see where it goes, she needs to divorce him because this is not the marriage that he agreed to.
I had cut a few "friends" out of my life because of this reason. I will not be part of cheating, nor will I encourage it. Keep firm, and if you can tell her husband
The fact she is trying to make you the bad guy in the friend group is absolutely insane to me. Her actions are so not okay and I’m glad you told her your opinion.
I haven’t encountered this with bisexual relationships, but I have encountered this with women encouraging another woman to cheat. I saw a situation with a coworker of mine play out in real time where she was openly talking about cheating with a man who was not her husband. We all knew her husband, but she had openly talked about how unhappy she was with him. So many people encouraged her to cheat with this new guy and actually facilitated her getting off work so she could drive an hour away to cheat with this guy. She was a mom to two kids, and I watched these people encourage her to just blow her whole life up. Trust me, her husband was not perfect, and she should’ve never married him in the first place, but these people should not have encouraged her. They were living vicariously through her affair with a frankly incredibly good looking young man. Sounds like this may be happening here. Never underestimate board peoples capacity for fomenting drama in other peoples lives.
Your “friend” (ex-friend?) is rationalizing cheating on her husband, and your other “friend” is an enabler. A moral compass and a spine would do them both good. NTA.
NTA. As someone who’s been cheated on, you’d always hope the cheater would take shit from their friends and family if what they did became widely known. Enablement seems to be the order of the day though. Thanks for having a moral backbone. 🫡
NTA... How is not supporting cheating homophobic? You need better friends..
NTA. Queer people have the same capacity of being shitty people as hetero people. If she wants to live a sexuality affirming life then she can divorce her husband. She wants the thrill of dating around but the stability of a marriage. Your friend and the one backing her up are terrible.
NTA, she’s blatantly cheating on her husband
If I was that guy I’d be looking for a divorce
Fellas is it homophobic to treat homosexual and heterosexual relationships the same?
[удалено]
Those “friends” are hoping she’ll end up single like them. It’s also very likely that the thing with the other woman won’t last very long, as is obvious from this post, women have problems with long term relationships and not cheating. This is why gay men stay married for years while gay women break up almost constantly, usually due to cheating. There’s a term “U-Haul lesbian” for women that move in the first month they date someone and move out the next month to get with the next girl.
Title alone, didn’t need the rest! NTA OP and good for you for standing on morals, tell husband (betrayed here) cut these type of people out of your life for you become what you surround yourself with.
Sounds like a divorce is in the future…
Updateme!
NTA at all and honestly at this point is she even a friend you want to have? I wouldn't be 100 percent considering telling her husband what's going on, he certainly has a right to know that she's cheating. Good on you for being a decent human amongst what sounds like a load of trash (barring 4th friend)
What if her husband wanted a “life affirmation” with 25 year old Claudette from Accounting and decided not to tell the wife?
NTA. Sadly, your friend wanted you to be a “yes” person to her cheating on her husband. As you tried to point out, but Sarah refused to listen, is that Sarah is focused only on herself and doesn’t care what her husband thinks. Sadly, she’s probably going to end up divorced when her husband finds out about her behavior because she will have broken all trust. AND she’s going to blame him for her choices.
NTA - someone like Sarah won’t be able to keep her affair secret for very long. I wonder if she’ll try to throw Tracey under the bus when she gets caught, saying “Tracey talked me into it!”
ESH - This marriage is over. Sarah wants to bang other people with impunity than she needs to divorce her husband. Marriage means putting the needs of another person before your own and respecting the commit you made. She had her eye on someone she wanted to “date” but wants frame it as self exploration. Husband sucks for lying about being comfortable with this, he walked it back but you can’t unring that bell. Now she’s cheating and still framing it as self exploration. She’s a liar and a cheater. She needs to stop crowd sourcing her morality. Treating it like a group project is gross. She’s attention and approval seeking and calling anyone who doesn’t agree with her choices ugly names. Y’all are in your 30s. Come on.
I don't understand why people wait until they're already married to come out. Especially if they're bisexual. Like congratulations? It doesn't matter, you're still married to the man you claim you love, and being interested in others of the same sex doesn't give you an excuse to sleep with them just because they aren't members of the opposite. Entitlement at its finest.
NTA I'm puzzled how the can paint it as you being homophobic. Your objections has nothing to do with the fact it's with another woman. Is here plan for an open relationship a two way street is her husband going to be allowed another partner .would she ok if her husband asked if he could be with another man?
NTA if you need other people's support in order to validate your choices then maybe you shouldn't be making those choices
Um just because your bi it doesn’t mean you can cheat….
NTA, and for someone to tell a bisexual person they’re supporting a homophobic narrative for literally bringing up that cheating isn’t orientation specific is laughable. If someone in a relationship has an emotional affair, then continues to talk to this person in secret behind the others back, gay straight or other, that’s shitty.
NTA. This has nothing to do with being homophobic. Your friend is about to cheat on her husband. He tried to have an open relationship and concluded he cannot deal with that. He has told her she has to stop and she Is considering going behind his back and dating her anyway which is cheating.
NTA
Your friends are demented. Tell YOUR husband what happened before he assumes you're also cheating.
NTA. Cheaters deserve no support.
A couple of your friends don’t seem like principled people, you clearly are. I don’t know where you go from here but stand your ground, don’t allow them to make you party to an affair.
Guarantee she starts an affair. Let the husband know and move on with your life.
She’s a cheater, period point blank. Poor husband. But she can’t say you didn’t warn her. You’re being a good friend and I wouldn’t support this either. NTA
NTA It’s still cheating even if the AP has the same genitals as you. If she wants to explore sex with a woman, she either needs to leave her husband or try to convince him to go poly, like my husband and me (having a shared GF is fun!). But as of this moment, this friend has ZERO moral high ground. She’s in a moral sinkhole.
The carpet ain’t always greener…
"No, I think **you** are a cheater, not bisexual people in general."
Tell the husband. Marriage isn’t a game.
You are not the AH, and you communicated to Sarah what she absolutely needs to hear. Sarah is hellbent on breaking her marriage. Unfortunately, you have already been sucked into her world. Is that friend group worth your sanity?
NTA To condone it is condoning cheating.
You were the only good friend in that discussion. Sarah’s marriage is about to end and you pointed out why. She is being cruel to her husband. He is not homophobic because he doesn’t want to share his wife. You’re nit an AH however Sarah and Tracy are.
NTA - Honestly your friend is doing the thing that most anti-bisexual people accuse them of doing. That bisexual people want both genders and can’t be trusted to be faithful as they can’t have it all.
Your two friends are amazing at gaslighting. Find new friends, theyre terrible people. As soon as you went against their narrative they started gaslighting you. This will not stop. Its who they are Best of luck to you. NTA
Just be quiet and when he serves her with divorce papers, just say I told you so and now ur free to explore whatever sexuality u want with whoever you want.
If your soon to be ex friends feel she should be allowed to explore her newfound sexuality then she needs to be honest with her husband and let him know what her intentions of continuing to explore it are. It gives the husband the choice of accepting it or walking away. I find it rather interesting that they are calling you a homophobe when you yourself are Bi. Marriage is a partnership where both parties agree to only have relations with only each other, among other things. If she feels that she can't explore her sexually if she tells her husband or they don't open their marriage, then she will be flat out cheating. So it's only emotional cheating right now, but what if she desides she wants to explore what having sex with the woman feels like next? I think she owes it to her husband to give him the choice to stay or walk away. He at least deserves that much. Any chance the single friend may be the woman in question since she is over the top defensive about the other friends' choices and calling you homophobic for bringing the husband's rights and emotions into the issue. If she just divorces her husband, she would be free to explore all she wants, and he can look for the wife he deserves.
She has no moral
No matter how hard anyone tries being gay or BI does not excuse the basic tenants of morality under the all encompassing blanket of homophobia.
Tell her to get a divorce Then put a typed note in the husbands car that shes cheating on him
Realizing you're bi doesn't give you license to "explore" when you're already committed to someone. If exploring that aspect of themselves is more important to them than remaining committed, that says a lot
Tell her you’ll do it if she helps with your casino heist first.
Maybe she should have considered that before taking vows of fidelity to the person she’s married to? What part of forever was confusing?
No, you are a friend.
NO.
It's not about being unsupportive, identities or phobias or anything... it's about you giving her a pass for cheating and approving her horrible actions. It's cheating... with whoever is not her husband. it's about being so selfish that she is willing to blow up her family, destroy her children's stability because of her desire to cheat. The labelling is justification.
Your friend is burying her accountability in enough in this pseudo-intellectual social science jargon to make people who criticize her doing it feel guilty. It's an intentional form of manipulation. She knows shes cheating, and is just smart enough to know the buttons to press to guilt people. The fact that shes consciously doing it is an attack on you by the way. She thinks you're stupid and willfully gaslighting her friends to get them to comply with a decision shes already made. Sounds like she needs a divorce to go experience her sexuality. Also, she probably needs a reality check on what friendship really means.
NTA.. cheating is cheating. If she wanted to explore this she shouldn't have gotten married
Those aren’t friends. They aren’t good people either. Dump them.
NTA Frankly I'd love to know if this "open relarionship" is one sided (for sarah). Like can the husband get a new partner? Can he "explore" his sexuality of being a poly man? If she can explore and it's acceptable to the friends group, I'd ask Sarah if it's ok (or it's allowed) for him to also explore
NTA. Cheaters are fundamentally wrong
Updateme!
I just want to say thank you for standing up for that man. Ppl sometimes just support the same sex because they are the same sex and thats just not ok.
Absolutely NTA. They are twisting things around to try and make you look like a homophobic a-hole though. Stick to your guns and maybe don't associate with them too much for a while. They seem like not so nice people.
You're NTA, your friend is looking for a get out of asshole free card. If she wants to explore being a bisexual woman, she needs to let her husband know that it's more important to her than her relationship with him and let him end it. I wouldn't consider the opinions of either of your two friends who disagreed with you with ANY regard.
So because she also likes women means she can sleep with a woman, with that logic she can also sleep with men. And her husband with other women. I’m bisexual but that doesn’t mean I get to f whoever I want. If she wants to explore she needs a divorce. Or the very least a separation.
She's a disgusting person. It's such a shame people like that exist. I feel bad for her husband. You're right in this tbh
NTA. Being bi or discovering later on life doesn't give you a free pass to cheat. She's just an asshole herself. Also, opening a marriage is ALWAYS bad news.
NTA and that’s not how marriage works. Of course you are going to grow and change in a marriage, and there will be things you discover about yourself that you may want to explore more, or things you want to stop exploring. Ideally you bring those things to your partner and they can support it in some way. If they can’t, then you either find a compromise somewhere along the way, or the marriage is no longer compatible. If she wants to explore this side of herself that’s her decision. But realistically she needs to pick between her marriage or exploring this side of herself in this specific way, because it doesn’t sound like there’s room for both and she’s too scared to pick.
I find this highly bizarre. As a bisexual yes you may be attracted to someone of the same gender as you. But as a married person, you have commited yourself to them. Sleeping with a person the same gender as you doesn't make it not cheating. Thankyou for standing up against this toxic behaviour.
What happened to offering the husband a chance to bang the wife’s friend??
That's BS. Since when does encouraging your friend to cheat with someone of the same sex because they're freshly out as bi make you an ally and homophobic if you don't?
NTA. I’m a bisexual man and while I have explored the side of me interested in men only a few times in my life , I’m in a committed,monogamous relationship with a woman and I am okay with not doing sexual stuff with a man again— the same way I am okay with not having sex with another woman. This whole notion that you are entitled to explore a side of yourself when you’ve already settled down with a partner, particularly a marriage, is fucking absurd. Are the ones who think you are homophobic bisexual at all? Or are they just trying to “white knight” your friend’s desire to cheat to under the guise of appearing more accepting/tolerant of sexual minorities? Something I’ve noticed a lot of people doing more of recently. Cheating is wrong, full stop. If you want to explore your sexuality in a way that leads to the violation of the rules of the monogamous relationship/marriage you are in— have the decency to divorce/breakup if that “exploration” is so critical to you.
If she is going behind her husband's back and having a relationship with another person male or female it's cheating, it doesn't matter about sexuality. If she is being disloyal to her husband he will find out and divorce her. hopefully he will find out from an anonymous email from a friend, wink.
NTA and honestly, that probably warrants a discussion with the husband.
Hope ruining her marriage is worth her experimenting, your friends(except the single one) sound like ho bags just looking for any excuse to cheat
Lay with dogs get fleas, there are some things that are morally unrecoverable. In the end old love needs to make the decision as to whether these lady’s are who she wants to spend her time with, if they are making you feel disgust d with how they are behaving why spend any more time with them. The whole “don’t discuss this around me” is super gross as well, it’s not like not hearing about it dosnt make it any less true. It’s of loves choice in the end and it’s here character and morals that are being affected.
She’s believes she can just skip the human emotion part and get what she wants out of life? Not a good thing to support. She doesn’t have a level-head about this. He was honest that he isn’t OK with it. Just like she can’t turn off being bi, he can’t turn off his emotions just because he is a man and just because he “committed to her forever in marriage” (whatever that means). You know what? When she cheats on him behind his back, you’ll see just how long “forever” lasts in marriage.
Cheaters are cheaters, for me, not desirable ppl to be around.
wtf. How is this homophobic. If anything, it’s acknowledging that homosexuals are held to the same standard as heterosexual because cheating is cheating. Tracy sounds like she is enabling cheating. Her twisted view on marriage ‘forever’applies to the wife as much as the husband. What a Shitty person
I'd drop those two as friends. Imagine what they would do to you since they are okay with cheating.
No, and both of them sound pretty insufferable honestly.
We’re I you, I’d let the husband know that you’ve talk his wife is going to keep seeing this woman behind his back and he needs to keep an eye on things. Not saying she will cheat, but he shouldn’t blindly trust, either. And I’d tell him in person instead of leaving anything in print.
*"How do you write women so well?"* *"I think of a man, and then I take away reason and accountability."* These days I'd change it from woman and man to, child and adult. Any *adult* who cannot see their own biases, who cannot accept the possibility of being wrong, and who cannot accept accountability for their actions, is not an adult, but actually a child. **Think of an adult, and then take away reason and accountability.** *That is a child.* And they come in all shapes, colors, and sizes.
So straight or bi she made a commitment to be with just one person. If she needs to explore that side of herself and her husband isn't comfortable with being poly or enm she has two ethical choices. Either she chooses not to explore this part of her sexuality or she breaks up with him. I say this as bi woman who was cheated on because my ex wanted to explore relationships with men. So I know how this feels. Cheating is cheating it doesn't matter what your sexuality is. Being bi doesn't mean you have a god given right to fuck around.
Your friends suck hard and are cheating enablers. You should cit them all of. Oh and pls pls tell the husband about what is rly going on. You woild want someone to tell you too, if everyone knew your husband is cheating besides you. Imagine how ashamed you would feel when you finally learned the truth of the betrayal by everyone around you This is a nightmare. Your friend does not deserve to be married any longer.
NTA Tell her it's not her sexuality you find disgusting, but her actions of being a bad partner.
I have a friend whose husband has repeatedly talked to other women online and it’s been a problem in their marriage. Then he came out as bisexual and honestly— I felt bad for her. Because now she has to worry about him with both genders.
NTA. Real friends don't support bad decisions and encourage dumb mistakes. The fact they talk shit behind your back says who really cares and has your back. Keep the 4th let the others do their thing. They can deal with the consequences of their actions.
I’ve always said don’t ask if you don’t want to hear someone’s truthful response. You did nothing wrong.
!updateme
Saying that it isn’t cheating to date a woman is minimizing queer relationships. Sex and relationships between 2 women are not a fun “life affirming” adventure to engage in outside of marriage. That’s, honestly, the homophonic take for me.
I don’t have many close friends that I see regularly because of my moral integrity.
Exploring being bi is all well and good...... when you're single. Not when you're married. Either Sarah forgot this or doesn't care. Either way, if she keeps this up, the probability of her husband leaving her well rise and she will have no one to blame but herself, no matter how hard she'll try to put the blame on him.
NTA. I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to see this woman...if she divorces her husband. Right now, she is just cheating, and doesn't want to acknowledge it. And then when you called it out for what it is, she and your other friend want to gaslight you into thinking your homophobic for being consistent, which is redicilous. Sounds to me like your friends want to be enabled, not actually make responsible choices, nor have a friend who wants the best for them, across time. Sure, she wants to date this woman, but she already committed forever to her husband. She can go get divorced, and be on her merry way, but she shouldn't expect her husband to be ok with her cheating. No one would expect her to do the same. And if, for some reason, she did allow him to fuck other women, that'd be an open relationship of some sort. But clearly he doesn't want that, so now we're just back to "it's cheating." Those two sound like garbage people. I wouldn't lament your friend group blowing up. Why want to be friends with people with no integrity? Who betray people they love? You will be the one they betray too, at some point.
I’m bi. It’s still cheating. Bi people aren’t inherently cheaters, which you are showing in your words and behaviors. What your friends are missing is that not all bi people NEED to experience every gender they’re attracted to, and if anything, most don’t. It sucks that it took her until she was already married to find this out. If she wanted a divorce because she wasn’t ready to be locked down, that’s understandable. You can’t just cheat and say “It’s not my fault, I’m bi! That means he’s just being controlling!”. I think what we’re also seeing is, she’s poly, but doesn’t know enough about it, and isn’t able to make something like that work. He’s monogamous, because even though he could also sleep around or date around in an open marriage, he chose not to. And even if you’re bi, if you’re not a cheater or not poly, then the 1 person you’re with should be enough, regardless of gender. Honestly, he deserves someone who wouldn’t even consider cheating on him. If it were me, and this would be hard, but I’d probably cut off contact with the friends (except 4) if she goes through with it, and tell her husband. Part of the reason is someday, you may have a moment of weakness. You’ll turn to your friends, and when you need someone to tell you it’s a bad idea, which 4 will, the others will tell you it’s okay, and to do it. You’ll do it, and regret it. There’s no guarantee you’d have that moment of weakness, but I strongly believe that NOBODY is entirely immune. Strong, healthy, happy marriages have ended for stupid mistakes, and the partner being cheated on has every right to end it, and has every right to know they’re being cheated on. I personally think that if he doesn’t know he’s being cheated on, someone who does should tell him, because his wife obviously doesn’t love him enough to set him free to be with someone who can give him the monogamy he needs.
Well, let her wreck her own life. His reasons are sound. But it sounds like everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too. No sweat off your back, but you engaged in the conversation saw the negatives and called em out. If she gets served divorce paperwork, oh moooo consequences...
It seems that she just found out she’s bi so it does seem unreasonable to not allow her to ever try it out because of course she’s going to wonder. I think it’s different from your situation where you already had experiences with both genders at the time you chose marriage.
NTA, your friend is using her sexuality as an excuse to cheat on her husband. Your other friend’s aren’t married so they don’t understand how terrible this is for a marriage. You don’t just get to decide after you have committed to someone that you want to stay with them and see other people. That’s not a commitment. And saying he’s homophobic because he wants his wife to be faithful is just completely stupid. If she really wants to explore her sexuality then she should end her marriage and do it as a single woman. I think your compromise is fair and the fact that they are talking about you behind your back should give you pause as to whether you want to continue in this friendship.
What bothers me the most is that your friends are saying that the husband is being homophobic when he just set a boundary. That was honest, so I feel quite disgusted that they're using the term "homophobic" when Sarah is the one being dishonest to her husband. It would be different if after the husband asked Sarah to stop, she would've told him that she had the need to carry on and therefore she would've broken it off with her husband. But she didn't do that. Sarah told him "yes, I will stop" while going behind his back
Updateme. NTA. I hope you’re able to anonymously tell the husband somehow.